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четвъртък, 27 август 2009 г. Приключено по Давност 19 години след палежа на Партийния Дом, точно на датата на палежа - 26 август пред Дома на Киното се беше проточила огромна опашка от хора, готови да изгледат три часа и половина документалистика наведнъж. Лично аз въобще не усетих дължината на филма абсолютно захласната в хлъзгавите изказвания на главните герои в събитията от първите месеци на демокрацията. Филмът ме хвърли в много спомени - когато всичко това се е случвало аз съм била твърде малка за да ми е ясно какво точно се случва. Помня само колко ми беше интересно на живата верига, в университета по време на студентската стачка, в Града на Истината, помня как се караха хората за това кой бил подпалил Партийния Дом, как за пръв път чух думите "провокация" и "лумпени". Хареса ми, че хората бяха оставени да говорят, че в никакъв момент не излезе някой да каже "Това е вярната версия". Не защото в документалистиката трябвало да се пуснат страните да говорят по равно и да не се застава на нито една от тях, с което никога няма да се съглася, а защото какво наистина се е случило в онази августовска вечер преди 19 години не е толкова важно, колкото това кой какво си мисли, че се е случило. Именно различните версии движат историята. Не знам какво носи "Приключено по Давност" на по-възрастните зрители - салонът беше препълнен до пръсване, и то почти само с пенсионери, които често се смееха на места, напълно неочаквани за мен. За хората от моето поколение обаче тези три часа и половина наместват смътните спомени в някаква историческа рамка, обясняват ярките образи от детството ни, изясняват една твърде ярка за да е разбираема картина. Колкото до онези кадри от протестите за Странджа, напръскани почти безразборно из филма, на мен поне ми стояха като чуждо тяло, не се връзваха, нямаха смисъл там (освен, може би, края с хорото). Имах чувството, че това са просто едни готини кадри, които не са си намерили филма и е трябвало някъде да влезнат за да не отидат фира. Не служеха за нищо. сряда, 26 август 2009 г. уранов туризъм из бг Ето го и сайта с по подробното изследване. Дали наистина е безопасно, както казва Васил Чанев в интервюто си, и къде може да е отишъл чакълът от мина "Пробойница" можем само да гадаем.... петък, 21 август 2009 г. Газ Кобейн търси просветлениея и набира последователи Газ Кобейн, половината от легендарните Фючър Саунд ъф Лондън (понякога явяващи се и като Amorphous Androgynous), покръсти Парк Лайв в София със собствен сет и собствено учение. Яна Пункина и Кремена Йорданова неусетно станаха негови последователки в късния следобед след напеченият му, аморфно-андрогинен сет на Колодрума. Макар често да не отговаряше на зададените му въпроси, пророкът определено имаше какво да каже. Кремена : Докато те слушах се почувствах като във някакъв времеви вакуум, все едно ме бяха върнали в 60те... Яна : Да, откъде е този шейсетарски вайб? Газ Кобейн : След трийстата си година преставаш да си така фокусиран във бъдещето. При мен стана на 28-29 открих, че имам нужда от отговори. Повече се загрижих за настоящето започнах да ги търся също и назад в миналото, опитах се да открия какво ми липсва. Колкото по-назад се връщах в своя живот, толкова по-назад извън него отивах, стотици и хиляди години назад. Започнах да гледам на света съвсем различно и от тогава не съм същия. Не съм толкова привлечен от 60те по-скоро от нещо универсално и вечно, нещо което всеки, който търси отговори отвъд настоящето открива чрез своя уникален опит. Не копирам 60те, просто съм достигнал един момент, когато имам нужда от повече свобода, цвят и любов отколкото имам в живота си. Днешната епоха е паралелна на 60те, хората търсят и искат същите неща, правят същите неща. Неща, които вече са правени. Знам, че е объркващо, защото в 1997г. Фючър Саунд ъф Лондън бяха така фокусирани върху бъдещето. Яна : За това ли сменихте имената? Газ Кобейн : Да. Около 2000г. решихме че за тези парчета трябва да си сменим името, защото те са страшно различни от FSOL. FSOL е още жив проект, но сега спи. Оставихме го да спи. Името означава безформено и безполово, това е най-неопределеното нещо за което успях да се сетя, иначе трябваше да кръстя групата си „Нищо”. Мисля че през 90те хората бяха подведени от технологиите да се опитат да постигнат някакви много определени перспективи за света. Това са просто едни изфабрикувани идеи, зад които нищо не стои. Честно вярвам, че всички живеем в един сън и ако искаме да се освободим от него, можем веднага да го направим. Но трябва да искаме, а повечето хора не искат. Този сън е основан върху материализма, любовните отношения, нещата, с които сме били отгледани, които родителите ни са ни разказали. Това са едни полу-лъжи, идващи от хора, които ги е грижа за теб, но които повтарят едно към едно това, което са чули от своите родители, от училището си, и просто не вярвам грам в тия работи вече. Вярвам в това, което аз откривам, когато пътувам, в това което аз чувствам. Тук днес съм като диджей реинтерпретиращ думата психаделия, а тя не е някакво понятие типично само за 60те. Всеки има потенциала за психаделични изживявания. Психаделичното изживяване е просто трансформация в гледната ни точка към света, това е неограничено пространство, в което можем да обичаме и да се свързваме по между си. Знам, че звучи хипарско и шейсетарско, но всъщност такъв стремеж винаги е имало. В момента има хиляди хора, които търсят отговори и без да знаят се натъкват на неща започнали през 60те, познавам хора, които сега започват да живеят в комуни, занимават се с еко земеделие. Хората от моето поколение са най-големите фенове на този начин на живот. Минали сме през инди и денс вълните и какво идва сега? Според мен трябва да захвърлим всички течения и да правим каквото си искаме. Вече не се интересувам от жанрове, те умряха за мен преди 10 години. Вече става дума за търсене на свободата изобщо, не за Сан Франциско и хипи ерата, свободата си е свобода, тя си е свобода и толкоз. Мисля че правителствата, обществото, родителите, учителите, те всички са част от това което ни е прецакало. Яна : Кое е последното просветление, до което достигна? Газ Кобейн : Колко е силна природата и колко ние сме се изместили от нея (думата е същата, която използват на английски за разместените кости) и чувството ми беше, че магията на нашата връзка с природата и всичко отвъд нея, което живее в тази вселена, е отрязана. Не от някой определен човек, а от цялото общество, в едно по мрачно ниво политиците, царските особи, дори банкерите, за тези хора е от полза да ни отрежат от нашата истинска връзка по между ни и със вселената, защото щом загубим тази връзка обедняваме и ставаме зависими, слаби, лесни за манипулиране, но толкова по тази тема, защото тя е доста мрачна. Мисля, че ако всеки намери този вайб идващ от любовта и всеки се събуди за случващото се, знанието за красотата, креативността и любовта ще победят всеки лош план за този свят. Кремена : Това малко прилича на "Селестинското пророчество" Газ Кобейн : Да, всички ми го казват, от години, накрая взех че прочетох книгата, но не мисля че е същото. Моето вдъхновение идва от Индия, от мистиката, от хора, които са живели преди векове, от неща като Тантра и Дао, които са на 5000 години, а не от някаква книга, която да ми казва какво да мисля. Всички тези учения са донякъде бунтарски. Не че има нещо невярно в "Селестинското пророчество", просто това е ехо на неща които са се знаели преди хиляди години. Най-голямото изследване на човешката духовност свързано с живота, сексуалността, връзката с планетата и със звездите се е провело преди хиляди години в Китай и Индия. "Селестинското пророчество" е страхотна модерна „библия” чрез която хората да се свържат с духовността, но има много по-дълбоко ехо от миналото, "и Селестинското Пророчество" резонира с него. За просветлението се говори от памтивека. Кремена : Мислиш ли, че някой се опитва да ни препречи пътя към просветлението? Газ Кобейн : Да. Смятам, че едно просветлено същество е по-опасно от цяла армия. Няма много просветлени на този свят. Моето определение за някой просветлен е някой който живее напълно за момента, осъзнавайки своята връзка със вселената, без да носи миналото без страх, и без да копнее за нещо във бъдещето. Не казвам, че аз съм просветлен, не съм, но поне разбирам какво би направило един човек просветлен.Имаше едни години от 1997 до 2002, когато се отървах от почти всичко в живота си, което ме тровеше. Храната - ядях само неща, които сам бях отгледал, не пиех вода, която е нечиста, спрях да дишам мръсен въздух, преместих се на село, правех йога и медитирах всеки ден, ходех всеки ден на сауна и на плуване, станах като йогин, който живее в Лондон. В тези пет години станах истински медиум и осъзнах, че всеки има способността да е медиум. Всеки е медиум, но не можем да го усетим, защото сме блъскани с наркотици, хората казват трябва да се друсаш за да правиш такава музика, а е точно наопаки. 28 години съм дишал наркотици, ял съм наркотици в храната си, бил съм инжектиран с тях от доктори, които твърдят че знаят нещо за здравето, но нищо не знаят, ваксини, с които са ме тровили, целия ни свят е токсичен, нищо не е чисто. Всички сме дрогирани, дори ако не взимаме нищо, което се смята за дрога. Ако ядеш храна от магазина значи се друсаш, ако дишаш въздуха значи се дрогираш. Този свят е токсичен и напълно замърсен. Забавно е, че през 60те хората толкова са се интересували от това да се глезят с алкохол и наркотици, особено рок музикантите. Единствената революция, която още не сме изпробвали е всички ние да се опитаме да се изчистим, с други думи да започнем да приемаме само чисти продукти. Да, гледай ми бирата, вече не съм толкова стриктен. Сега съм в нова фаза. Сега се отдавам на удоволствията но осъзнато, буден съм и знам какво правя. Усещам ефектите върху тялото си и мога да го контролирам. Мога да науча повече за себе си когато изпия една бира, но осъзнато. Налудно ли звуча? Яна : Не, звучиш като Франк Запа, той също е казвал че най-психаделна музика се прави на трезва глава. Газ Кобейн : Да, най-психаделна музика пиша когато не ям, а спортувам и правя йога. Ако бях изпил тази бира преди да се кача на сцената сетът ми щеше да е съвсем друг. Аз : Как избираш музиката, която да пускаш като диджей? Говоря за свободата и съм свободен. Имам няколко различни проекта. В Аморфъс сме десет души. С FSOL започнахме наново тази година, проектът спа десет години, защото бях зает с тази революция. Зад нас няма голяма корпорация, всичко се прави по революционен do it yourself начин, но накрая става доста впечатляващо. FSOL и Amorphous Androgynous са експерименти много различни един от друг в които търсим свободата и същността си. FSOL е много по безплътен, няма докосване до инструменти, има излъчване от разстояние. Общият мотив, обаче, е да се свързваме с хората и то така че те са подтикнати в своите лични търсения и в опитите им сами да си дадат сили. Кремена : Музиката ви като че ли е построена върху някакви много стабилни идеи? Газ Кобейн : В този смисъл животът ми е много прост. Браян, другият и в двата проекта, понякога ми повтаря, че съм твърде силен. Но това не е вярно. Не идвам тук с идеята че имам всички отговори. Единственият отговор е да се опитваш да намериш отговора. Ако съм просто бунтовник спуснат на земята за да подтикне хората да си задават въпроси, ще умра щастлив. Брайън, обаче много повече обича да си седи в студиото, той никога не се качва на сцената. Сцената не го интересува. Чувства се много щастлив в студиото, а на мен не ми е достатъчно. Но пък всеки пък когато пускам на живо стигам до заключението че това което правя не стига достатъчно добре до хората. И сега като се прибера пак ще работя върху това как аз се свързвам със себе си, за да се свържа по-добре с вас. Имам моменти когато наистина се получава, свиренето на живо е напълно различно и тепърва го уча. Десет години не съм заставал пред публика. Никога не съм правил лайфове, освен като тийнейджър когато свирех в инди групи. Кремена : Повечето хора в България познават FSOL от пиратски записи, надявам се, че това не те обижда... О ние трябва да се радваме на пиратството, това е начинът хората да отнемат контрола от музикалната индустрия. Аз си падам бунтар и съм малко опасен, идвам в повече на хората които правят бизнес с мен. Те искат да правят пари от музиката ми и да я контролират, а аз от 1997ма повтарям, че пиратството е добро! Не искам магазините за музика и звукозаписната индустрия, радията и лейбълите да имат пълен контрол върху музикалната индустрия. Искам слушателите да я контролират. В краткосрочен план това ни удря в доходите, сега се случва, властта вече не е в тези хора а в интернет потребителите, които откриват точно какво искат да слушат. Трудни времена са, но аз все още се радвам на това, твърде голям бунтар съм за да не се радвам. Яна : FSOL са толкова по мрачни от Amorphous Androgynous – защо? Газ Кобейн : Аморфъс е реакция на плашещият саунд в FSOL, разочарование от него. Сигурно съм шизофреник, еднакво добре се справям с това да съм сам, съзерцателен, изолиран, но има и една голяма ексхибиционистска част в мен която обича да се свързва с хората. С FSOL построих кариера върху депресивната си половина. Харесва ми идеята за благословената еуфорична тъга. Стараехме се да се отървем от съзнанията си и да правим музика която ни кара да чувстваме и да се изненадваме, създадохме това пространство, но то не ме правеше щастлив защото е само малка част от мен. След десет години в FSOL осъзнах, че мога да бъда и много щастлив на сцената, сред хората. Все още имам съзерцателна и тъжна половина така че работя и с FSOL. Най лесния отговор е че аз съм шизофреник и се опитвам да си създам една нормалност от щастие, тъга общуване и изолация чрез тези два проекта за да разбера кой съм. Това май е отговора на всичко. четвъртък, 20 август 2009 г. Tricky Raw - Almost Uneddited My first question is how did you feel tonight? Tonight? Oh, you mean on the concert? On the concert, at the party? I thought… uhm… It’s kind'a sad… beautiful and sad at the same time. You understand, performing here ain't like performing in London, uh... sorta... like...we're spoiled, you know we're kind of spoiled and people here - if they like you, they really like you, there's no bullshit, there's no uhm... so I felt kinda sad... Sad for what? For the people. There's a lot'a real people here, you know, you can do any major city, right, so like London, Paris, L.A. New York, it's a different vibe, people are really feeling it, and i feel a lot of pain, even when people are cool and are happy, there's pain here... so : sad. And how did you feel in the club? Oh, you have to turn that off for me to tell you. (from this moment of my mini disc recorder is being switched off an on many times - sometimes because secret things are being said) There were always women in your music, there were always women singing your lyrics, why do you feel the need to put a woman there? Because my lyrics ain't just male you know, it's like my lyrics are more female than male, so it's like ... uhm I'm speaking, i think, it's from my mother's point of view, and a man can do that. I have a woman's point of view. I was brought up by my grandmother and my great grandmother, and then my aunties, they were the biggest influence on me... So I have a point of view as a woman, and there's no way i can do that with my voice, I need a woman. There are many musical and textual quotes in your music, is there a concept behind them, or do they come with flow? No, it's like... I live every day it's just living, i just live... so people might say you're not normal, you're strange, you're hideous. I say what i wanna say. Like for instance I told you what maybe I shouldn't tell you, right? But I don't care. I say what i feel and i do what i mean. So I don't care. I know I'm only here for a short period of time, life is very short, so I try to be as passionate as I can in my life. because it's very short. So I'm giving myself to life, cause I don't know how long I'm gonna be here. So I'm just... life is very short. You said there was something in Sofia that made you feel as if you have been here before... The struggle... Can you tell the whole story again, because we were in the car, and I couldn't record it... Well, basically when I got off the plane... even when you're flying in you can see the struggle here, there's a struggle here, and you haven't been spoiled, and I come from the same thing. You know about struggling, my music is struggling. And I got some people, who like my music, who have no clue about struggling. I say, OK, but my music is about struggling, it's about the difficulties of life, whether you're rich or poor, it's about trying to keep your head above the water, trying to survive... and Sofia feels like that. It feels like struggling and it's truing to survive. It feels like a council estate? Yeah. One big council estate. And it's more criminal then... Like, I've read books about Bulgaria, right, and there's some criminal shit going on, right, it's some organized crime state, right.That's how bad things have gotten. the people who run Bulgaria are not the government, it's organized crime, that's how bad it is. Governmentcan't control this. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but it's the situation of feeling and it's crazy, it's insane, the whole law structure and everything, but you people still breathe, you're still alive, and you still get on with it. I know you've been involved in some social projects in places like that, tell me more about you social work. I've tried things in ghettos and I've done things in certain places, but it's hard to carry on, because you need government funding to carry on. And what I see in Bulgaria or England - the government don't give a fuck. They don't care about people living in these flats. So I've tried things, but it's hard to keep it going on with my own money. I'm not a millionaire, I'm not a pop star, so I try but it's hard and it gets to the point where it's depressing because you wanna try something and you go to local government and local council and they don't wanna help you, so it's frustrating. But I'm trying all the time. What else do you struggle for? Real honesty. I struggle to be honest and real. Like i told you. I know life is short, and anybody who thinks differently is stupid, whether you're 12 or you're 50 life is very short. So I try to live, I try to say things I won't say, or I don't wanna say, and I make myself say it, because I don't wanna say it and I don't wanna do it. So I'm trying to express that. Anything I'm scared off - I try and run towards. Your lyrics often uncover things that are somehow painful... Oh, no I have no problems with that. I have no problems with pain. I think forward. I have no problem with pain. Just thank you to Sofia, and thank you... All the people there tonight. They give me so much on stage, they give me so much... It's like... uhm... I don't deserve them, and I'm just thankful. That's it. You said you're not a good person. Why do you think so? Well, I'm corrupted. I'm not pure anymore. I'm corrupted. I'm not naive. I'm a little bit of a devil. When did you feel this way for the first time? Oh, I've been like this since I was young.A bit of a devil, ya know, I'm corrupted since i was young. And I got into music but there's a always been a little bit of corruption in me, which I can't get out. There's always the desire to be on the dark side? No, no, I don't wanna be on any side. It's just me. It just is how I grew up.I just grew up slightly corrupt. I know it's a strange leap of thought, but today on the concert I thought that in your lives there are these moments that somehow resemble a ritual... It resembles my madness. It's how live is in my head. It's slightly crazy. None of this is really not normal, do ya know what I mean, so it's slightly crazy. Do you often think of death? No, I don't think of death often, but I think of life all the time. I realize you can live now. This is all we got - it's now, no past, no future, we got this right now. So anything you think or feel you should express it right now. I'm asking because there's a lot of fear in your music... That's not from death. That's from me wanting to say things I might be scared of. I'm not scared of death, I'm scared of life. I'm just trying to get used to living for now. Right, now this is it, this is all we got, I've just realized it a few years ago, this is all we got. There's nothing else. There's no past, there's no present, all we got is now. So I'm just learning to live, and learning to live every day that I gotta live. If I wake up tomorrow I have to live. I'm learning about every day, I mean every day is like a moment, every day is like a monument - it's a big thing. Ain't just like I wake up and i go shopping and i get food... You wake up - it's a big deal. You wake up - it's a big, big situation, that's like really big. So I'm just learning about if I wake up. It means something important is going on. To be alive is very fucking big. I look at thing and I wake in the morning and I'm like : "Wow... Fuck! I'm still here!" Does it make you want to celebrate? I celebrate every day. No, it just makes me wanna be me. Makes me wanna be alive, it makes me wanna say things people don't wanna hear, act the way people don't want me to act. To be honest with them even when they don't want honesty. Just makes me wanna be here. You said that there was a moment when you realized that. Is there a special story? No special story. All of a sudden I just realized, fuck, you worry about this, and you worry about that, you know the minor things you wary about, and all of the sudden you realize that, fuck, I'm here. Don't matter about my bills, or this or that, I'm here, I'm right here. And now is important. There's no tomorrow. There's no yesterday. History... we all love history, but the only thing we have is right fucking now. Whether that's someone with millions of dollars or someone who's got no money. Right now this is all we got. This second in time. This is our life right now. I can't decide anything, as this is all I got right now. This is us right now, this is our lives. You're doing an interview now, right? And now this is our lives, there's nothing else. We don't know if we're gonna get to the next day, this is it. We live now. People forget to live now. We are alive now, not yesterday, not tomorrow. So you might think about your pension plan, or your talalalala, we ain't got that, we got now. I'm alive now and I wanna live now. Doesn't that change when you have a child? No, I know what you're talking, mate, it's true, because it's now, my kid is now. My kid is into... she listens to now music, it's all about now, it's all about living right fucking now. There's no tomorrow. I got no worry of my kid. She lives now. Everything she listens to, everything she does is now. She knows how to live. It's about now. You are never seduced to have plans or... I think you worry about that. This is you asking me. It's the fears you have. Maybe, sometimes... Listen, you can't fear tomorrow or yesterday, you're not promised tomorrow. It's right now you're alive and you're breathing. Tomorrow you might not wake up, but now you are alive. This is it. It doesn't get no better, and it doesn't get no worse. You haven't been living have you? Oh, planning is good. You got a plan. Obviously it's a part of life, but then again, what can you plan for? And I agree with you planning is good. It's good to have a plan don't get me wrong. But at the end of the day, if you look at it, what are you planning for? You don't know if you're gonna make it through tomorrow. I could go out of here tomorrow and die in a plane crash, or a car crash, or whatever. You know you plan and you hope for the best, but what are we really planning for? Tomorrow doesn't owe you anything. So tomorrow doesn't have to be there for you. Tomorrow isn't a friend you've been there for all through these years, and they say I'm gonna be there for you tomorrow. Time doesn't owe you anything. Space, God, whatever you call it, doesn't owe you anything. You might now wake up tomorrow. Or even if you do wake up tomorrow you might die in the process of waking up, or you might die later. That's life. No one's promised anything, you have to live a hundred percent now. Mistakes an all. What are you're mistakes, you're good, you're bad, you're nice, you have to live... But where do you find hope from? Hope is living. From living. I get hope from knowing I'm alive. I woke up this morning. I'm traveling to so-and-so. Hope breathing, it's being alive, that's what hope is. You see, this is the thing, we got confused with... about hope is tomorrow... about heaven is when you die... No, hope is now. I hope for something today, and if tomorrow I wake up I might get it. And then again I might not get it. Hope is right here right now.
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My first question is how did you feel tonight? Tonight? Oh, you mean on the concert? On the concert, at the party? I thought… uhm… It’s kind'a sad… beautiful and sad at the same time. You understand, performing here ain't like performing in London, uh... sorta... like...we're spoiled, you know we're kind of spoiled and people here - if they like you, they really like you, there's no bullshit, there's no uhm... so I felt kinda sad... Sad for what? For the people. There's a lot'a real people here, you know, you can do any major city, right, so like London, Paris, L.A. New York, it's a different vibe, people are really feeling it, and i feel a lot of pain, even when people are cool and are happy, there's pain here... so : sad. And how did you feel in the club? Oh, you have to turn that off for me to tell you. (from this moment of my mini disc recorder is being switched off an on many times - sometimes because secret things are being said) There were always women in your music, there were always women singing your lyrics, why do you feel the need to put a woman there? Because my lyrics ain't just male you know, it's like my lyrics are more female than male, so it's like ... uhm I'm speaking, i think, it's from my mother's point of view, and a man can do that. I have a woman's point of view. I was brought up by my grandmother and my great grandmother, and then my aunties, they were the biggest influence on me... So I have a point of view as a woman, and there's no way i can do that with my voice, I need a woman. There are many musical and textual quotes in your music, is there a concept behind them, or do they come with flow? No, it's like... I live every day it's just living, i just live... so people might say you're not normal, you're strange, you're hideous. I say what i wanna say. Like for instance I told you what maybe I shouldn't tell you, right? But I don't care. I say what i feel and i do what i mean. So I don't care. I know I'm only here for a short period of time, life is very short, so I try to be as passionate as I can in my life. because it's very short. So I'm giving myself to life, cause I don't know how long I'm gonna be here. So I'm just... life is very short. You said there was something in Sofia that made you feel as if you have been here before... The struggle... Can you tell the whole story again, because we were in the car, and I couldn't record it... Well, basically when I got off the plane... even when you're flying in you can see the struggle here, there's a struggle here, and you haven't been spoiled, and I come from the same thing. You know about struggling, my music is struggling. And I got some people, who like my music, who have no clue about struggling. I say, OK, but my music is about struggling, it's about the difficulties of life, whether you're rich or poor, it's about trying to keep your head above the water, trying to survive... and Sofia feels like that. It feels like struggling and it's truing to survive. It feels like a council estate? Yeah. One big council estate. And it's more criminal then... Like, I've read books about Bulgaria, right, and there's some criminal shit going on, right, it's some organized crime state, right. That's how bad things have gotten. the people who run Bulgaria are not the government, it's organized crime, that's how bad it is. Governmentcan't control this. I'm not saying that's good or bad, but it's the situation of feeling and it's crazy, it's insane, the whole law structure and everything, but you people still breathe, you're still alive, and you still get on with it. I know you've been involved in some social projects in places like that, tell me more about you social work. I've tried things in ghettos and I've done things in certain places, but it's hard to carry on, because you need government funding to carry on. And what I see in Bulgaria or England - the government don't give a fuck. They don't care about people living in these flats. So I've tried things, but it's hard to keep it going on with my own money. I'm not a millionaire, I'm not a pop star, so I try but it's hard and it gets to the point where it's depressing because you wanna try something and you go to local government and local council and they don't wanna help you, so it's frustrating. But I'm trying all the time. What else do you struggle for? Real honesty. I struggle to be honest and real. Like i told you. I know life is short, and anybody who thinks differently is stupid, whether you're 12 or you're 50 life is very short. So I try to live, I try to say things I won't say, or I don't wanna say, and I make myself say it, because I don't wanna say it and I don't wanna do it. So I'm trying to express that. Anything I'm scared off - I try and run towards. Your lyrics often uncover things that are somehow painful... Oh, no I have no problems with that. I have no problems with pain. I think forward. I have no problem with pain. Just thank you to Sofia, and thank you... All the people there tonight. They give me so much on stage, they give me so much... It's like... uhm... I don't deserve them, and I'm just thankful. That's it. You said you're not a good person. Why do you think so? Well, I'm corrupted. I'm not pure anymore. I'm corrupted. I'm not naive. I'm a little bit of a devil. When did you feel this way for the first time? Oh, I've been like this since I was young. A bit of a devil, ya know, I'm corrupted since i was young. And I got into music but there's a always been a little bit of corruption in me, which I can't get out. There's always the desire to be on the dark side? No, no, I don't wanna be on any side. It's just me. It just is how I grew up. I just grew up slightly corrupt. I know it's a strange leap of thought, but today on the concert I thought that in your lives there are these moments that somehow resemble a ritual... It resembles my madness. It's how live is in my head. It's slightly crazy. None of this is really not normal, do ya know what I mean, so it's slightly crazy. Do you often think of death? No, I don't think of death often, but I think of life all the time. I realize you can live now. This is all we got - it's now, no past, no future, we got this right now. So anything you think or feel you should express it right now. I'm asking because there's a lot of fear in your music... That's not from death. That's from me wanting to say things I might be scared of. I'm not scared of death, I'm scared of life. I'm just trying to get used to living for now. Right, now this is it, this is all we got, I've just realized it a few years ago, this is all we got. There's nothing else. There's no past, there's no present, all we got is now. So I'm just learning to live, and learning to live every day that I gotta live. If I wake up tomorrow I have to live. I'm learning about every day, I mean every day is like a moment, every day is like a monument - it's a big thing. Ain't just like I wake up and i go shopping and i get food... You wake up - it's a big deal. You wake up - it's a big, big situation, that's like really big. So I'm just learning about if I wake up. It means something important is going on. To be alive is very fucking big. I look at thing and I wake in the morning and I'm like : "Wow... Fuck! I'm still here!" Does it make you want to celebrate? I celebrate every day. No, it just makes me wanna be me. Makes me wanna be alive, it makes me wanna say things people don't wanna hear, act the way people don't want me to act. To be honest with them even when they don't want honesty. Just makes me wanna be here. You said that there was a moment when you realized that. Is there a special story? No special story. All of a sudden I just realized, fuck, you worry about this, and you worry about that, you know the minor things you wary about, and all of the sudden you realize that, fuck, I'm here. Don't matter about my bills, or this or that, I'm here, I'm right here. And now is important. There's no tomorrow. There's no yesterday. History... we all love history, but the only thing we have is right fucking now. Whether that's someone with millions of dollars or someone who's got no money. Right now this is all we got. This second in time. This is our life right now. I can't decide anything, as this is all I got right now. This is us right now, this is our lives. You're doing an interview now, right? And now this is our lives, there's nothing else. We don't know if we're gonna get to the next day, this is it. We live now. People forget to live now. We are alive now, not yesterday, not tomorrow. So you might think about your pension plan, or your talalalala, we ain't got that, we got now. I'm alive now and I wanna live now. Doesn't that change when you have a child? No, I know what you're talking, mate, it's true, because it's now, my kid is now. My kid is into... she listens to now music, it's all about now, it's all about living right fucking now. There's no tomorrow. I got no worry of my kid. She lives now. Everything she listens to, everything she does is now. She knows how to live. It's about now. You are never seduced to have plans or... I think you worry about that. This is you asking me. It's the fears you have. Maybe, sometimes... Listen, you can't fear tomorrow or yesterday, you're not promised tomorrow. It's right now you're alive and you're breathing. Tomorrow you might not wake up, but now you are alive. This is it. It doesn't get no better, and it doesn't get no worse. You haven't been living have you? Oh, planning is good. You got a plan. Obviously it's a part of life, but then again, what can you plan for? And I agree with you planning is good. It's good to have a plan don't get me wrong. But at the end of the day, if you look at it, what are you planning for? You don't know if you're gonna make it through tomorrow. I could go out of here tomorrow and die in a plane crash, or a car crash, or whatever. You know you plan and you hope for the best, but what are we really planning for? Tomorrow doesn't owe you anything. So tomorrow doesn't have to be there for you. Tomorrow isn't a friend you've been there for all through these years, and they say I'm gonna be there for you tomorrow. Time doesn't owe you anything. Space, God, whatever you call it, doesn't owe you anything. You might now wake up tomorrow. Or even if you do wake up tomorrow you might die in the process of waking up, or you might die later. That's life. No one's promised anything, you have to live a hundred percent now. Mistakes an all. What are you're mistakes, you're good, you're bad, you're nice, you have to live... But where do you find hope from? Hope is living. From living. I get hope from knowing I'm alive. I woke up this morning. I'm traveling to so-and-so. Hope breathing, it's being alive, that's what hope is. You see, this is the thing, we got confused with... about hope is tomorrow... about heaven is when you die... No, hope is now. I hope for something today, and if tomorrow I wake up I might get it. And then again I might not get it. Hope is right here right now.