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Today was very spring-like. It was near 80 degrees, which is very odd for the U.P. in the middle of March. Heck, just a couple weeks ago we got over 2 feet of snow overnight! It’s wonderful to see the sun and breathe in the sweet, earthy air. I am seriously getting some Spring cleaning fever, which is difficult to satisfy with a needy 4 month-old hangin’ around. In a way, okay, a big way, I am hoping that this change of weather is symbolic that we are entering into a new season in our lives. Things have calmed in a way that I couldn’t have imagined a year ago, but with that comes some sadness of the realities of why things are so calm. Wednesday was Gabe’s 19th birthday. Yup. I am the mom of a 19 year-old. That wouldn’t be so weird if I weren’t still 2.25 years away from 30 myself. I mention this not just to say “Happy Birthday” to my sweet son, who is reaching back out to us, and trying to make some very hard choices right now, but also because his birthday marks the beginning of a huge season of trauma-versaries for us. Huge, life changing, never-thought-our-life-would-be-like-this, trauma-versaries. It’s been a year. And instead of sitting here on a Friday night with two adolescent boys watching a movie, or playing a board game as a family, or dealing with the latest tantrum fallout, I am sitting here with my sister, my husband, and a sweet 4 month-old who has never even heard me raise my voice, watching the DVR recordings of our favorite shows. It’s only been a year. And one of my sons is living on his own in the next town over, doing his best to deal with the consequences of the adult choices he was so eager to make. Our relationship is being restored, finally, but I’m having a hard time figuring out how to be the parent to an adult child. The other of my sons is also dealing with the consequences of his choices, and on a scale he can not possibly comprehend right now. He won’t be coming home. He’s in a place that I pray will usher in the healing that he so desperately needs. He will be 13 at the end of this month. I’m missing that. I’m missing him. The real him. I’m not missing the trauma. I’m not missing the way my heart still races when memories of that time come invading my mind. In a few weeks Hubby and I will be heading to the Parenting in SPACE conference. It will be a big reunion for me, and a big opportunity for Hubby to connect with other dads who “get it.” As excited as I am, the conference also marks the first domino leading to what we thought was death, but was just the intense heat of the refiner’s fire. So maybe you can see why this is rather surreal for me to be sitting in a quiet house next to a sweet baby girl who looks into my eyes with peace and adoration. The alarms are gone. The padlocks are gone. There are still holes in the walls, and we even found a random poop smear (how did he get it up there?), but with my Spring cleaning fever, I’m sure those will all be resolved soon. And then what? Maybe eventually we will get used to this newness. This season of expectation. Expecting good things. Anticipation. What is He up to? What will this Spring bring? Blessings! Hannah PS, Be looking for a new Springy theme next week! I didn’t expect winter to actually disappear before Spring officially got here. I decided that I will just have to blog about other things. So that will be my new pursuit. There is a lot I can’t blog about, but that will just force me to be more creative and get out of my gripey rut. My first visit with Baby E went really well. I got there just as they were finishing feeding her, and I rocked her for an hour and 1/2 until she fell asleep. As I rocked her I sang to her, introduced myself and our family (including describing all of our critters) and sang some more. She made excellent eye contact and even smiled a few times. She really likes to be swaddled. The nurse says that when she is sleeping and having tremors that’s one of the only things that calms her. I had to re-swaddle her a few times during our visit, as her right arm kept finding it’s way out, and was hanging in space. Then she would start whimpering. She is SO CUTE! Chubby cheeks, blue eyes (for now) and reddish blond hair. The nurses are hopeful that she will thrive in a family environment. So excited! Oh, and she is just 4 weeks old, and is already in 0-3 clothing…mostly. They are expecting her to be ready to come home by next weekend. She will still probably be on her withdrawal meds, but hopefully minimal. They are looking for her “scores” to be at a certain point, as well as making sure her breathing/heart rate are stable. For those of you who are wondering, I have dear friends who are planning a baby shower for our family. I will let you know more details soon. We are registered at Target under my name ( http://www.target.com/registry/baby/FX5AX396WMDY ) if you are wondering what we still need. Please keep things as gender neutral as possible, as well as avoiding anything that has “mommy” or “daddy” on it. I love you all! Thank you for loving our family through this new adventure. Anywho, It’s been a rough couple of weeks. Jeremiah has a lot of trauma-versaries in March, and he is coming up on his two-year anniversary of being with us. He has never been with a family for two years before, so this is such a huge deal to him. He’s been taking every opportunity to show us that he is totally freaked out and that he KNOWS that he is going to have to leave any day, so he might as well do it on his terms. Yeah. That’s been fun. But, hey, he’s still here. Anywho, because of above circumstances, there has not been a whole lot of academics being done so far this month. Some days he can’t even handle being down stairs at all, he just wants to hide in his room, and I do mean hide, and I have to be okay with that. Actually, on those days, I AM okay with that. I get some house work done, take a lot of deep breaths, and use that time to recharge ME! Then the next day we try again. We’ve been reading through The Chronicles of Narnia, which he is absolutely addicted to. It’s become a huge motivator and a great bonding/snuggle time. Something I sometimes have to convince myself to do. But this week he has been really trying. Still lots of ups and downs, but he’s working through the feelings instead of letting them take complete control. Today, as a reward for all his hard work, we are going to have lunch with Daddy at a new gourmet hot dog joint called Johnny Dogs. I am super excited! First, because I am psyched that Jeremiah actually accomplished his goal of finishing his work all week, second because Hubby has been talking this place up since this past summer when the owner was selling the dogs off a cart in the park. I WANT IT! Anywho, Jeremiah is excelling. He struggles integrating new material, but once he gets it, he doesn’t lose it. And he has a new Psych. doctor appointment next month to help with his meds. YAY! This has been a big issue since he has only had a family care doctor up to this point, who admittedly does not have the expertise to handle my growing child’s medication needs. And by growing, I mean growing! He has grown another 1/2 inch in the past 4 weeks. A total of 3 1/2 since last October. Holy wha! So we are truckin’. Surviving. Hoping to start thriving any day now. And now, off to Johnny Dogs! Blessings! Hannah Update: Johnny dogs was great. So yummy. Then we came home and J. had a complete and total melt down. Of coarse. I knew it was coming, but I still wish he could just let himself have good things. It’s a major bummer. Oh, I think I forgot to mention that Gabe’s 18th birthday is coming up on Monday. Yeah. What a weekend this will be. With all the new year’s ads telling me I need 6-pack abs, and sculpted thighs and biceps, and big boobs… okay, got those… I LIKE MY BODY! Really! I realized that today. I like my body. I mean, yes, there are things I would like to change, but for the most part, I really like me. Here are the few things I would change: My arms. I would like to get them more toned. I am very strong, but I struggle with the typical woman-wings. When I looked at my friend’s wedding pictures from this summer, there were only two things that made me cringe. #1 No one told me how see-thru-ish my dress was. (Thanks, Hubby!) #2 My arms looked HUGE! The first thing I notice if I am swollen is my double chin. I’m about ready¬† to get one of those as-seen-on-TV neck exerciser thingers. THAT’S IT! And now the things I love about my body: My butt! I love my butt! I have an ars and am grateful for it. Hubby loves it, Juji loves to perch on it, and I can sit on hard benches much longer than my boney-butted counterparts. The only disadvantage to having a butt has to do with the next thing I love about my body. My small waist! I am a true hourglass figure. I love how curvy I am. The disadvantage to this is that when combined with feature #1, it makes it nearly impossible to find pants that fit properly. SOME women’s clothing companies are finally getting wise and making pants for different body types, but they are EXPENSIVE! So, I wear skirts and dresses A. LOT. My hair. I have very thick, healthy hair. Although it occasionally frizzes, because of its natural waviness, it behaves itself most of the time. It grows like CRAZY, so I get to try different things with the cut often. I have no idea what to do with it most of the time, so it usually ends up in a pony tail when it is long, or a headband when it is short. I love it when my little sister, Amelia, is around, because she braids it for me. I can’t braid my hair myself. My eyelashes. I’ve got lots of ‘em. My smile. I’ve got good teeth, my nose dimples, and it makes other people smile. My height. I am 6’1″ barefoot, and I can reach stuff! There’s actually more, but those are the most significant. So although it would be nice to be able to find clothes more easily, and I wouldn’t mind if my tummy were a little flatter, or my legs a little thinner, I really like the sexy woman I’ve become. I really have no interest in becoming my anorexic teenage self again. I feel like a real woman, and I like it that way. SO THERE! (And I will read this post to myself often.) I hope you can find YOUR beauty today, and throughout the year.
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A séasúr nua ... ceart? Sa lá atá inniu a bhí an-earrach-mhaith. Bhí sé in aice le 80 céim, a bhfuil an-corr do na UP i lár mhí an Mhárta. Heck, ach cúpla seachtain ó shin fuair muid níos mó ná 2 throigh sneachta thar oíche! Tá sé iontach a fheiceáil ar an ghrian agus breathe in aer, milis earthy. Tá mé ag dul go mór roinnt fiabhras Earraigh a ghlanadh, rud atá deacair a shásamh le 4 ngéarghátar mhí d'aois hangin 'ar fud. Sa tslí sin, maith go leor, ar bhealach mór, tá mé ag súil go bhfuil an t-athrú aimsire siombalach go bhfuil muid ag dul isteach i séasúr nua inár saol. Things tar éis calmed ar bhealach nach raibh mé in ann a shamhlú bliain ó shin, ach leis sin tagann an brón roinnt de na réaltachtaí cén fáth a bhfuil rudaí sin go socair. Ba é Dé Céadaoin an 19ú lá breithe Gabe ar. Yup. Tá mé an mam de 19 bliain d'aois. Ní bheadh sin mar sin aisteach más rud é nach raibh mé fós 2.25 bliain ar shiúl ó 30 mé féin. Lua mé an ní hamháin le "Happy Birthday" a rá le mo mhac milis, atá ag teacht ar ais amach le linn, agus ag iarraidh a dhéanamh ar roinnt roghanna an-deacair ceart anois, ach freisin toisc marcanna a lá breithe tús le séasúr ollmhór tráma- versaries dúinn. Ollmhór, saol atá ag athrú, riamh-cheap-ár-saoil a bheadh-le-bheith-mhaith-seo, tráma-versaries. Tá sé curtha s in aghaidh na bliana. Agus in ionad suí anseo ar oíche Dé hAoine le beirt bhuachaillí ógánaigh breathnú ar scannán, nó ag imirt cluiche boird mar theaghlach, nó déileáil leis an fallout tantrum is déanaí, tá mé ag suí anseo le mo dheirfiúr, mo fear céile, agus milis 4 mhí d'aois riamh a chuala fiú dom a ardú mo ghlór, breathnú ar na taifeadtaí DVR ar ár seónna is fearr leat. Baineann sé le bheith ach in aghaidh na bliana. Agus is é ceann de mo mhac ina gcónaí ar a chuid féin sa bhaile seo chugainn níos mó, ag déanamh a chuid is fearr chun déileáil leis na hiarmhairtí ar na roghanna do dhaoine fásta a bhí sé fonn sin a dhéanamh. Is é ár gcaidreamh a bheith athchóirithe, ar deireadh, ach tá mé ag am deacair figuring amach conas a bheith ar an tuismitheoir le leanbh fásta. An eile de mo mhac ag déileáil chomh maith leis na hiarmhairtí a roghanna, agus ar scála nach féidir leis a thuiscint, b'fhéidir, ceart anois. Ní bheidh sé ag teacht abhaile. Tá sé in áit go pray agam go mbeidh usher i an leighis gur gá desperately sé amhlaidh. Beidh sé 13 ag deireadh na míosa seo. Tá mé ag iarraidh go. Tá mé ag iarraidh dó. An fíor é. Níl mé ag iarraidh ar an tráma. Níl mé ag iarraidh ar an mbealach mo chroí rásaí fós nuair a thagann cuimhní an am sin invading mo intinn. I Hubby cúpla seachtain agus beidh mé ag dul chuig an Tuismitheoireachta i gcomhdháil SPÁS. Beidh sé teacht le chéile mór dom, agus is deis mór do Hubby chun nascadh le dads eile a "a fháil." Mar excited mar tá mé, marcanna an chomhdháil freisin ar an domino chéad rud a cad a cheap muid go raibh bás, ach bhí díreach an teas dian ar an refiner tine. Mar sin, b'fhéidir gur féidir leat a fheiceáil cén fáth go bhfuil sé seo in áit surreal dom a bheith ina suí i dteach ciúin in aice le cailín leanbh milis a bhreathnaíonn i mo shúile le síocháin agus adoration. Na haláraim atá imithe. An padlocks atá imithe. Tá fós poill sna ballaí, agus fuair muid fiú smearaidh lem randamach (conas a rinne sé í a fháil suas ann?), Ach le mo fiabhras Earraigh a ghlanadh, tá mé cinnte go mbeidh iad siúd a réiteach go léir go luath. Agus ansin cad é? B'fhéidir anseo, beidh muid a fháil a úsáidtear chun an newness. An séasúr ag súil. Ag súil le rudaí maith. Réamh-mheas. Cad Tá sé suas go dtí? Cad an Earraigh a thabhairt? Beannachtaí! Hannah PS, Bí ag lorg téama nua springy an tseachtain seo chugainn! Ní raibh mé ag súil gheimhridh a imíonn iarbhír sula bhfuair an Earraigh go hoifigiúil anseo.