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Red Flags in Relationships written by: Kosjenka Muk Incompatibility is fairly common in relationships, which means there are plenty of potential signals of incompatibility depending of one's values and personal traits. However, sometimes you might not simply be incompatible with a love interest, but you might have stumbled upon a realistically toxic and possibly violent person. While red flags in such cases can be subtle and various, some of them are more common and often reported by people who got "burned". I'll list many of them below and roughly divide them into categories. Remember: many of those signals don't necessarily mean a person is "bad", but you don't have to see them as "bad" to understand that a relationship with them can be toxic for you. It would be easier if people were all good or all bad, of course, but it's never so. Unhealthy people too have parts of them that are warm and worthy of respect... but if they hide them, ignore them or avoid expressing them, the end result is the same as if they never had them. Also, these warning signals don't mean you shouldn't even give a chance to someone - they mean you need to be cautious, stand up for yourself if needed, and avoid becoming too attached too quickly to such a person. While you are in love and have high hopes for a relationship, it's easy to tell yourself that a problematic behavior is "accidental", "won't happen again" or "with me, he/she'll be different". Keep in mind that, as a rule, where there is smoke, there is fire, and every action reflects at least a part of someone's personality, values and beliefs. And, usually, love is not enough to change that. First serious argument and how it's resolved are often good indicators of what you can expect in the future. Does your partner listen to you, consider your words and communicate with honesty and appreciation? Or do they ignore you, belittle you, and try to control or manipulate you? In the latter case, do not hope that such a person would be different in the future and willing to see your perspective; people whose behavior shows lack of empathy won't suddenly become empathetic, especially if they feel it would mean a loss of power and privilege. Don't criticize yourself if you've ignored relationship red flags in the past. Trust is not a sin. Sometimes we need experience to learn to pay attention to such warning signs. However, it's also a good idea to learn something from other people's experiences, not just your own. Categories of relationship red flags: Hurrying a relationship (indicates: possessiveness / insecurity / transference / lack of healthy boundaries / wanting to use you sexually) - In the beginning, it seems "too good to be true": they agree with whatever you want, they try hard to please you, they are full of promises and compliments, they put you "on a pedestal". In other words: they are not authentic. When such a person shows their true face, it will probably be very different. - proclaims love a few days after meeting you; talks about marriage within a month or less. A healthy person will take time to get to know you better and check if you are compatible. Rushing a relationship probably means that, whatever it's about, it's not about real you. - floods you with text messages or phone calls soon after meeting you (and might blame you and become full of accusations if you don't answer quickly enough or often enough) Control freak - keeps demanding "good enough" explanantions for innocuous behaviors - often checks you out and questions you about where you are, who are you with, and what you're doing - criticizes your friends and family for no big reason, doesn't like you to spend time with them, with time might try to isolate you from them - directly or indirectly criticizes your looks and clothes (you might feel they are trying to either make you fit a model in their head, or force you to be less attractive). This doesn't include occassional neutral comment about what suits you well and such. - emotional blackmail, inducing guilt ("if you really loved me, you would ..." and such) - has hard time accepting you doing things without them - has hard time with you expressing a different opinion, including reasonable desires, expectations, and balanced criticism - demeaning or jealousy of your intelligence, talents, education or hobbies - makes decisions for both of you, without asking for your opinion - whatever you do, they interpret it in worst possible ways - tries to control your finances (might include insisting that you don't work) (Possible) emotional abuse Part 2: red flags for cheating, physical violence and other - they exploit your mistakes, discomfort and other moments of vulnerability to increase their sense of power over you by unnecessary or exaggerated criticism, demeaning and similar - they ignore your verbal or nonverbal expressions of disagreement, discomfort or displeasure - no matter how hard you try, they find something to criticise - expresses racism, nationalism, sexism or other -isms (pay special attention to sexism - sooner or later this will influence your relationship directly) - sexual selfishness - mean, "venomous" humor. Humor is a great quality if well-meaning and creative, but expressing malice through humor is something quite different - it's passive aggression that shows one's desire to feel powerful at the expense of others (and is often not particularly funny anyway). Be aware of the difference. - "blowing hot and cold" is a form of emotional control. Warmth gives you hope; coldness confuses you; both are emotionally bonding. - scorns or withholds expressions of love, support and warmth - generally shows lack of empathy (whether for you or other people) - tries to make you jealous - tries to convince you that you are lucky to be with them and that nobody else would want you - your self-esteem suffers in their company (while it usually doesn't happen around other people) - you feel uncomfortable expressing your feelings and opinions around this person; you learn to plan in advance or censor your communication and behavior more than you normally would. You keep analyzing yourself trying to figure out what you're doing wrong.
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Znakovi opasnosti u vezi autor: Kosjenka Muk Nekompatibilnost u odnosima je relativno česta, pa su i signali potencijalne nekompatibilnosti brojni i ovise o pojedincima i njihovim vrijednostima. Međutim, ponekad se ne radi samo o nekompatibilnosti, nego ste možda naletili na osobu koja je realistično toksična, pa i potencijalno nasilna. Mada i u takvom slučaju znakovi opasnosti mogu biti raznoliki i suptilni, brojni ljudi navode niz sličnih signala upozorenja u ponašanju takve osobe. U ovom članku navesti ću najčešće i okvirno ih grupirati u kategorije. Zapamtite: ništa od ovoga ne znači da je druga osoba "loša", ali ne morate je okarakterizirati kao "lošu" da bi znali da taj odnos može biti toksičan za vas. I nezdrave osobe mogu imati nešto toplo iznutra, neke dijelove sebe koji su vrijedni poštovanja... ali ako ih skrivaju, ignoriraju ili izbjegavaju izraziti, na kraju je rezultat isti kao da ih i nemaju. Isto tako, ovi signali upozorenja ne znače nužno da nema smisla čak ni pokušati... ali znače da trebate biti na oprezu, voditi računa o svojim granicama i suprotstaviti se pritisku na vrijeme. Znakovi upozorenja u odnosima su kao znak "radovi na cesti" u Hrvatskoj: možda ćete naići na radove na cesti, ali ne nužno. No ako ih postoji veći broj, ili se ponavljaju - bilo bi dobro usporiti. Dok ste zaljubljeni i želite da odnos funkcionira, lako je misliti da je neko toksično ponašanje privremeno, "slučajno" ili "prema meni će se ponašati drugačije". Imajte na umu da, u pravilu, "gdje ima dima ima i vatre" i da svako ponašanje odražava barem jedan dio nečije osobnosti i uvjerenja. I najčešće, ljubav nije dovoljna da bi se to promijenilo. Prva ozbiljnija prepirka i kako će se ona odviti često su dobar pokazatelj što možete očekivati u budućnosti. Da li vas druga osoba sluša, uzima u obzir i komunicira iskreno i uravnoteženo? Ili vas ignorira, omalovažava i pokušava kontrolirati ili izmanipulirati? Nemojte se nadati da će takva osoba u budućnosti uvidjeti vašu perspektivu; ljudi koji svojim ponašanjem pokazuju da im nedostaje empatije neće odjednom iz čista mira postati empatični, pogotovo ako bi to značilo gubitak moći i privilegija. Nemojte se kritizirati ako ste u prošlosti ignorirali znakove opasnosti u odnosu. Povjerenje nije mana. Ponekad je potrebno iskustvo da bi naučili obraćati pažnju na takve signale. No, možda ne bi bilo loše učiti i iz tuđeg iskustva, a ne samo vlastitog. Kategorije znakova upozorenja u vezi: Požurivanje odnosa (ukazuje na: posesivnost/ nesigurnost/ transfer/ nedostatak zdravih granica/ iskorištavanje radi seksa) - u početku sve djeluje "predobro da bi bilo istinito": slaže se sa svim što kažete, pretjerano se trudi da vam udovolji, dijeli vam nerealne komplimente i obećanja, drži vas "na pijedestalu". Drugim riječima, nema autentičnosti. Kad "pravo lice" te osobe izađe na površinu, vjerojatno će biti vrlo različito. - izjavljuje ljubav vrlo brzo nakon upoznavanja; nudi brak unutar manje od mjesec dana. Zdrava osoba će uzeti vrijeme da vas upozna i procijeni kompatibilnost. Suprotno ponašanje vjerojatno znači da, o čemu god se radilo, ne radi se o vama. - poplava sms-poruka, mailova ili telefonskih poziva brzo nakon upoznavanja (a ni inače nisu baš dobar znak, pogotovo ako slijedi optuživanje što ne odgovarate dovoljno brzo ili dovoljno često) Potreba za kontrolom - zahtijeva "dovoljno dobra" opravdanja za detalje u vašem ponašanju - često ispitivanje i provjeravanje gdje ste, kamo idete i što radite - kritizira vaše prijatelje i obitelj zbog sitnica, ne voli kad provodite vrijeme s njima, s vremenom vas može pokušati odvojiti od njih - direktno ili indirektno kritizira vaš izgled i odijevanje (imate osjećaj da vas pokušava ukalupiti ili prisiliti da budete manje atraktivni). To se ne odnosi na povremeni neutralni komentar što vam bolje stoji i slično. - emocionalne ucjene, izazivanje krivnje (da me stvarno voliš, onda bi ... ) - teško podnosi dijelove vašeg života u kojima ne sudjeluje - teško podnosi vaše izražavanje drugačijeg mišljenja, uključujući razumne i uravnotežene želje, očekivanja i konstruktivnu kritiku - omalovažavanje i ljubomora na vašu inteligenciju, obrazovanje ili hobije - donosi odluke koje vas se oboje tiču, bez da vas pita za mišljenje - sve što radite interpretira na najgori mogući način - nastoji vas financijski kontrolirati (uključujući inzistiranje da napustite svoj posao) (Potencijalno) emocionalno zlostavljanje - osoba iskorištava situaciju vaše pogreške, nelagode ili druge vrste ranjivosti da bi pojačala svoj osjećaj moći nad vama (nepotrebnim ili pretjeranim kritiziranjem, omalovažavanjem i slično) - ignorira vaše verbalne ili neverbalne izraze neslaganja, nelagode ili negodovanja - bez obzira koliko se trudite, nalazi nešto za kritizirati - izražavanje rasizma, nacionalizma, seksizma i sličnih -izama (posebno obratite pažnju na seksizam - to će se uskoro ticati direktno vas) - sebičnost u seksu - zloban, "otrovan" humor. Humor je vrlo poželjna osobina ako je kreativan i originalan, ali pakostan humor je nešto sasvim drugo - to je pasivna agresija i izraz potrebe za nadmoći, a u pravilu i nije nešto duhovit. Prepoznajte razliku. - "toplo-hladno" ponašanje. Toplina vam daje nadu, hladnoća vas zbunjuje; oboje vas vezuje. - omalovažava ili uskraćuje izraze ljubavi, topline i podrške - općenito pokazuje nedostatak empatije (prema vama ili drugima) - pokušava vam izazvati ljubomoru - vaš osjećaj samopoštovanja se smanjuje u društvu te osobe (a to vam se u pravilu ne događa s drugim ljudima) - nelagodno vam je izraziti svoje mišljenje i osjećaje pred tom osobom; počinjete cenzurirati i planirati unaprijed svoju komunikaciju i ponašanje. Sve više analizirate sebe i pokušavate shvatiti gdje griješite. 2. dio: mogući signali prevare, fizičkog nasilja i drugo