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After several years of relationship, most couples start taking each other for granted and stop doing little things which helped them win their partner's appreciation and approval in the early stages of relationship. How to prevent loss of passion in relationship or marriage? In the first place, take care to think about your partner in the way you did in the beginning, as much as possible: notice qualities you like and be compassionate to their faults which do not burden or threaten you. If you feel some parts of the partner's behavior upsetting, consider if those are irrelevant details that just remind you of your earlier unpleasant experiences, or is it true irresponsibility and neglect. Besides out of respect and delight with a partner's qualities, the passion in a relationship stems from sexual attraction. This kind of attraction is often lost after the birth of children: the woman will then usually focus on children, and even if she tries to be attentive to her partner too, she will often be too tired and lack focus to succeed. In the first few years of a child's life, you might need to accept the fact that you don't have too much time for each other anymore. But as soon as the child becomes more independent, it's important for parents to start putting effort in their relationship again. Keeping the sexual attraction alive, often means encouraging the man to feel masculine, and the woman to feel feminine, in the same time avoiding rigid and burdensome prejudice. Most men feel particularly masculine when they can actively support their partner and make her happy, receive her gratitude and feel wanted and needed. Most women feel feminine when they feel understood, supported and safe to relax and let go. Through millions of years of evolution, a woman was mostly focused on children and vulnerable in a dangerous environment, while the role of a man was to physically protect and help her. Many women in modern society feel that too much responsibility is on them: professional job, children, housework... - they can't relax and don't feel supported, so they stop feeling feminine. This creates a sense of unfulfillment and resentment which some women cannot easily explain to themselves. This kind of resentment usually motivates traditional "nagging". A woman who feels that she can't relax and that the man's support is lacking, might not be able to find words to explain it to him, so her tension and frustration might come out in criticising small details in the man's behavior. On the other side, men, in the civilization which enables them to be lazier than before and reduces the traditional ways of male support to women, can lose their sense of masculinity and become passive, or confused in front of women's demands. I'm certainly not trying to say that we should return to traditional life-style and reduce the possibilities for women (and men) to explore the other aspects of their personalities besides motherhood (or traditional "manly" activities). We are not just biological reproduction machines, but much more complex than that. To focus on only one aspect of existence while neglecting the others, is never healthy. In the same way, we should use our biology wisely, rather than being its slaves. One of the big advantages of the modern society is the physical and material independence of women, which gives them more choice and opportunity than ever before. Giving that independence up, avoiding responsibility, is not only unhealthy for a woman, but reflects on her partner too. Instead, we need to create new models of behavior, through which a man can feel that he has an important role in his woman's life and can help her relax. As the modern way of life is more diverse and complex than ever before, it makes no sense to give detailed advice. The best thing is to... talk to your partner. Ask your partner what helps him or her to feel more masculine/feminine and explain what kind of behavior encourages complementary feelings in you and triggers romance. What is important is to avoid rigid demands and focus on playful exploration instead. Again - don't get me wrong: I do not advocate rigid gender roles, which created so much suffering and humiliation in the past and often still do in the present. Even with all the negative aspects of modern society, we do have much more physical security, freedom of choice and opportunity to explore more subtle aspects of our lives and personalities. Still, the instincts developed through evolution are still within us, and while - luckily - they can't control our behavior, we can use them wisely to increase romance and passion. Apply playful attitude instead of rigid demands. Flexibility is the foundation of good relationships - at least when it comes to details, rather than important life values. We meet so many people who fight bitterly about details like how to cut butter, or the famous toilet seat... sometimes you need to think about if those details are really important enough to endanger the quality of your partnership. Perhaps your partner, against all your reasons and pleas, will never make it a habit to put food back into the fridge or dirty dishes into the sink... but it doesn't mean that he is not a good partner. Many relationships fail because people attribute bad intentions to each other, on the basis of petty details in behavior. Can you show understanding and compassion to your partner, give them space when they are in a bad mood, irritable, and all together not at their best? Then you can earn their trust, respect and motivation to put effort in the relationship with you... if they are emotionally healthy. Differences in the way we give love can often create misunderstandings. Some people express their feelings through words and conversation, while others want physical touch or doing things together. Some regard gifts to be an important expression of love, while for others gifts are quite secondary. If you don't notice the way your partner expresses love to you, because this is just not the way in which you want to receive it... explain it to your partner. Try to notice good intentions, even if the behavior is not quite what you would prefer. In this way, you can prevent unnecessary conflicts. On the other hand, there are people who don't trust their own instincts enough, so they allow themselves to be manipulated into accepting neglect, humiliation and control. Some women believe that being independent and giving space to their partners means accepting their lack of responsibility and respect, or their promiscuity. Some men are manipulated into thinking that they are selfish, uncaring and irresponsible if they don't fulfill every wish of their partners. Some couples just don't recognize that they are not compatible, so they waste time accusing and trying to change each other. If you are a man and want to make your partner happy, but are not sure how to distinguish between healthy support and acting like a father, consider the questions that follow. The same questions can help women who are not sure if they demand too much, or their partner is really just acting like a fragile plant in a sensitive process of bonding to a couch: Is your partner generally independent and responsible, or does she expect others (that is, you) to take responsibility for her needs, feelings and desires? If you're used to rational analysis only, instead of hearing what your intuition has to say, it might be very difficult for you to find an answer. Listen to your feelings - not those superficial and often defensive ones, but deeper feelings, which are usually calmer and more comprehensive. It's important to recognize that partnership is not symbiosis; you are still two individuals. You are still adults and responsible for your lives and your needs. Partnership means cooperation - but preserving a sense of personal space and boundaries. Only then can we feel a healthy passion. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Nakon nekoliko godina odnosa, mnogi parovi se počinju uzimati zdravo za gotovo i prestaju činiti jedno za drugo male stvari kojima su u početku osvajali poštovanje i odobravanje partnera. Kako spriječiti gubitak strasti u vezi? U prvom redu, trudite se da razmišljate o svom partneru što je više moguće kao i na počecima veze: primjećujte kvalitete koje vam se sviđaju, a budite blagi prema manama koje vas emocionalno ne ugrožavaju i ne opterećuju. Osjećate li da vas neka ponašanja partnera emocionalno uznemiruju, istražite da li se radi o sitnicama koje vas podsjećaju na ranije neugodnosti u životu, ili o stvarnoj neodgovornosti i nemaru. Osim iz poštovanja i oduševljenja partnerovim osobinama, strast velikim dijelom proizlazi i iz spolne privlačnosti. Ta privlačnost često nestaje nakon rođenja djece: žena će se tada često fokusirati na djecu, a čak i ako se trudi posvećivati pažnju partneru, često će biti preumorna i nedovoljno usredotočena da bi u tome uspijevala. U prve dvije – tri godine djetetova života možda se treba pomiriti s činjenicom da više ne možete biti tako bliski kao prije, no čim dijete počne biti samostalnije, važno je da roditelji ponovno počnu više raditi na međusobnom odnosu. Održavati spolnu privlačnost često znači truditi se da se muškarac može osjećati što muževnije, a žena što ženstvenije, istovremeno izbjegavajući krute i opterećujuće predrasude. Za većinu muškaraca vrijedi da se osjećaju muževno kad mogu aktivno davati ženi i podržati je, te primiti njezinu zahvalnost i osjećati se potrebni i cijenjeni. Za većinu žena vrijedi da se osjećaju ženstveno kad ih se razumije i podržava, te kad osjećaju da se mogu opustiti i prepustiti. Kroz milijune godina evolucije, žena je uglavnom bila posvećena djeci te zbog toga fizički ranjivija u opasnom svijetu, dok je muškarčeva uloga bila da je zaštiti i podrži. Mnoge žene u našoj civilizaciji osjećaju da je previše odgovornosti na njima (posao, djeca, kućni poslovi), ne osjećaju se podržane i time gube osjećaj ženstvenosti. To stvara osjećaje neispunjenosti i nezadovoljstva koje mnoge žene teško mogu prepoznati i objasniti sebi. Iz tih osjećaja kreće i ono tradicionalno "kvocanje". Žena koja osjeća da se ne može opustiti i da nema podršku muškarca, često mu to neće znati objasniti nego će napetost i frustracija tražiti ispoljenje u kriticizmu pojedinih detalja muškarčevog ponašanja. Muškarci, s druge strane, u društvu koje im s jedne strane dozvoljava više lijenosti, a s druge strane oduzima tradicionalne oblike pružanja podrške ženi, mogu izgubiti osjećaj muževnosti i postati pasivni, ili zbunjeni pred ženskim zahtjevima. To ne znači da bi se trebali vratiti u tradicionalni način života i oduzeti ženama mogućnost da istražuju i druge aspekte svoje osobnosti i sposobnosti osim majčinstva. Ipak nismo samo biološka bića, nego smo mnogo kompleksniji od toga. Usmjeriti se samo na jedan aspekt naše egzistencije nikad nije zdravo, bez obzira koji od njih naglašavali. U ovom kontektstu, želim naglasiti nezdravost krutog usmjeravanja na biološke uloge. Jedno od velikih ostvarenja modernog društva je fizička i materijalna neovisnost žene, što joj donosi više mogućnosti i izbora nego ikad prije. Odricanje od te neovisnosti, izbjegavanje odgovornosti, nije zdravo ne samo za ženu nego niti za njezinog partnera. Umjesto toga, potrebno je oblikovati nove načine ponašanja putem kojih muškarac može osjećati da ima svoju ulogu u ženinom životu i da je može podržati i pomoći joj da se opusti. Kako je današnji način života daleko raznolikiji i složeniji nego ranije, možda nema smisla bilo što davati kao apsolutan savjet. Najbolje je... razgovarati sa svojim partnerom. Pitajte partnera što mu pomaže da se osjeća muževnije/ženstvenije, te mu recite koje ponašanje u vama potiče vašu muževnost/ženstvenost i romantične osjećaje. Važno je izbjegavati krute zahtjeve, i umjesto toga usmjeriti se na zaigrano istraživanje. Da me se ne bi krivo shvatilo: ne zagovaram kruto naglašavanje spolnih razlika – to je u prošlosti donijelo mnogo poniženja i patnje. Uza sve mane društva u kojem sada živimo, ipak imamo mnogo više osnovne fizičke sigurnosti, slobode izbora i istraživanja suptilnijih strana svojih osobnosti. No, evolucijski instinkti još su uvijek prisutni u nama, i premda to – na sreću - ne znači da nas potpuno kontroliraju i upravljaju nama, možemo ih mudro koristiti za održavanje romantike i strasti. Umjesto krutih zahtjeva, potreban je zaigran pristup. Fleksibilnost je osnova odnosa – barem kad se radi o detaljima, a ne važnim životnim vrijednostima. Tolike ljude srećemo koji se žestoko svađaju oko sitnica kao što su kako rezati maslac ili slavni poklopac WC školjke... nekad jednostavno treba razmisliti da li su vam zaista ti sitni detalji dovoljno bitni da radi njih ugrozite vaš najvažniji odnos. Možda vaš partner, unatoč svim vašim razlozima i molbama, nikad neće razviti naviku vraćanja hrane u frižider ili čišćenja mrvica sa stola... ali to ne znači da je on loša osoba. Rekla bih da većina odnosa propada zato što ljudi jedno drugom počnu pripisivati loše namjere i loše osobine na temelju manje bitnih detalja u ponašanju. Možete li pokazati razumijevanje i suosjećanje svom partneru, dati mu prostora kad je on/ona u lošem raspoloženju, iritabilan i sve u svemu ne baš blistav? Tako ćete zaslužiti njegovo povjerenje, poštovanje i motivaciju da se trudi oko vas - ako se radi o emocionalno zdravoj osobi. Razlike u načinu davanja ljubavi mogu često dovesti do nesporazuma. Poneki ljudi izražavat će osjećaje kroz razgovor, dok će drugi željeti fizički dodir ili zajedničke aktivnosti. Nekima su pokloni ili usluge važan izraz pažnje, dok su drugima sasvim sporedni. Ne primjećujete li načine na koje vam partner izražava ljubav jer to jednostavno nije način na koji je želite primiti... razjasnite to sa svojim partnerom. Nastojte primjećivati dobru namjeru, čak i kada ponašanje ne odgovara u potpunosti vašim očekivanjima. Tako možete spriječiti potpuno nepotrebne konflikte. S druge strane, postoje ljudi koji ne vjeruju vlastitim osjećajima i dopuštaju da ih se izmanipulira da pristaju na zanemarivanje, omalovažavanje i kontrolu. Poneke žene vjeruju da biti samostalna i dati slobodu svom partneru znači pristajati na njegov nedostatak odgovornosti i poštovanja. Poneki muškarci izmanipulirani su kritikama da su sebični, neodgovorni i nedovoljno brinu o odnosu ako ne ispunjavaju svaku želju partnerice. Poneki parovi jednostavno ne uspiju prepoznati da nisu kompatibilni, nego provedu vrijeme optužujući i nastojeći promijeniti jedno drugo. Ako ste muškarac i želite usrećiti svoju partnericu, ali niste sigurni kako odrediti granicu između zdrave podrške i preuzimanja očinske uloge, razmislite o sljedećim pitanjima. Ista pitanja dobro će doći i ženama koje nisu sigurne traže li previše od svog partnera ili on zaista samo glumi krhku biljčicu u osjetljivom procesu vezivanja za kauč: Ako ste navikli oslanjati se samo na racionalnu analizu umjesto da i intuiciji date pravo glasa, može vam biti vrlo teško doći do odgovora. Slušajte svoje osjećaje – ali ne one površne, često obrambene, nego one dublje, obično smirenije i obuhvatnije. Važno je prepoznati da partnerstvo nije simbioza, nego ste i dalje dvije različite osobe. I dalje ste odrasli i svako od vas je odgovorno za svoje potrebe i svoj život. Partnerstvo znači suradnju – ali uz očuvanje osobnog prostora i osobnih granica. Tek tada možemo osjećati zdravu strast. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.