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In the beginning, I will quote a text of an author I won't name (because I'm about to criticize them a bit): "People who love themselves, don't try to hurt others" says Oprah Winfrey, the talk-show queen. She must have never heard of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse Tung... mass murderers with very high self-esteem and self-confidence. She probably hasn't heard of children who bully their peers. Those wild kids surely lack many things, but not self-esteem. "Violent people are violent because their self-esteem and self-confidence are unrealistically high. Many violent criminals describe themselves as powerful, special and elite people who deserve special treatment" says Ulla Lovenkrands, Danish psychologist who spent 20 years studying criminal psychology." "Street gang members have high opinions of themselves and demand respect from others. Bullies from school playgrounds consider themselves more special than others. Low self-esteem and self-confidence are found amongst victims of violence, not amongst violent people." This kind of attitude is typical for people who lack psychological education and the insight in their own emotional processes. It's surprisingly superficial and hasty from an educated psychologist. First, in the above quotes only the external behavior is recognized, only those feelings which the violent people are able to admit to themselves and others. External confidence is equaled to self-esteem and defense mechanisms to true, deep feelings. Self-esteem is also indirectly equaled with lessened sensitivity to others' needs. If you are ready to truly look within yourself, further than the surface, you will notice that often some feelings mask and hide others. The feelings that make us feel safer and stronger seem to be protection from deeper and more unpleasant feelings. A simple and common example is that some people weren't allowed to express anger as children, but they were allowed to cry. They started to feel uncomfortable with anger, maybe even scared of it, but sadness was safe enough, so it could be used instead of anger to express discomfort. Do you sometimes cry out of anger? It might be a sign of such a pattern. Violence and arrogance are the result of an opposite process, in which guilt, shame, scorn for oneself and one's feelings are suppressed and masked with anger and need for power. Perhaps sadness, embarrassment, shame were too frightening, or the environment responded in humiliating ways to them. Such children learn to mask those feelings with false power and confidence, if they notice that it's a way to avoid being hurt by others. Usually they have models of adult people who act in such ways. Why do such people scorn gentle feelings and can't express them? Because they feel them as frightening vulnerability and weakness. Is this self-love? How can such a scornful attitude to the most gentle parts of oneself be called self-esteem? True self-esteem means appreciating those kind feelings the most. A superficial observer might say that violent and arrogant people have no compassion and kind feelings. That would imply that they were somehow born without them, or neglected them out of their own will. I claim that such people suppress their gentle feelings in a very early age and were never able to develop them. Why did they suppress such feelings? Obviously not because they would have felt comfortable and safe with expressing such feelings, accepted and respected by people around them. The author of the quote I started with also mentions that some parents teach their children to feel special, better than others, and so give them unrealistic self-esteem. The desire to be "better than others", "special and elite" implies that we don't feel good enough if we are equal to others, "one amongst many". It means we can't appreciate ourselves just for being here and being who we are. If we examine such families more closely, we'll most commonly find an atmosphere in which encouragement is given verbally, but instead of true compassion, warmth and acceptance, children experience hypocrisy, pretense and conditional love. Parents who act like that are usually not aware of it, they just repeat what they experienced in they own childhood. What we experience as children, becomes normal to us. Later, if such children see others expressing gentle and kind feelings, they might not be able to feel correspondent feelings and motivation to develop them. They might be afraid of such emotions, or guilty for not expressing them, but then the fear and guilt are suppressed and masked by defensive "strength". In a family which verbally expresses encouragement and big expectations, but in reality lacks warmth, compassion and healthy boundaries, children are confused. What they hear from important people contradicts their instict and feelings. Without enough awareness of their emotions and out of need to trust their parents, such children will usually forget their own feelings and accept what parents present as the truth. Subconsciously, they will still feel the lack of healthy love, but will not be able to feel it consciously and explain it to themselves. In search for a substitute for love, they will use behaviors others approve, or anything that gives them temporary good feelings. Such substitutes might be power, respect or material gifts. The claim that violent children have too much self-esteem, is not logical if we consider the fact that such children normally attack the weakest and most frightened amongst other kids, and they usually attack as a group against an isolated child. They won't attack children who appear strong and ready to fight back, because they play it safe, they won't risk defeat, hurt and vulnerability. Some of them will later say that they felt what they did was wrong, but they complied because they felt dependent of the approval and support of the rest of the group. Is that self-esteem? Hitler commited suicide because he wasn't able to face defeat. It is typical for ruthless dictators that they are not capable to tolerate vulnerability, self-doubt or criticism from others. Why not? Because they deeply love and accept themselves?... No, but because such feelings are too painful, they endanger their defense mechanisms and threaten to uncover intolerably painful fear and shame from their childhood. If you want your children to like themselves, warn them about their faults and unacceptable behavior, but lovingly - so that they can feel that it's allowed to make mistakes sometimes, and that they will still be loved. Don't tell them they are better than others, expect huge achievements from them, while in the same time subtly or less subtly putting them (or other people) down for their weaknesses and vulnerability. Show that you respect them, but also yourself, that everybody has personal boundaries and the right to express them. Some people give everything to children, while neglecting themselves. This is also confusing to a child. This only shows inconsistency, not real love - parents who don't appreciate themselves and can't set boundaries, can't give true love and respect to their child. Then children turn to what they are able to get as substitute - usually material things and favors. The child might feel that this is not right, but doesn't know how else to feel good. They develop psychological defense mechanisms, protecting themselves from confusion by convincing themselves that they are "special" and "better than others", so that they could continue to use parents and other people around them. True respect for others and compassion can only come from the ability to feel good about ourselves in the same time. Also, we won't be able to understand and be compassionate to others if we don't understand and accept our own emotions and mistakes. Some people show respect to others, but not to themselves. This is, however, not motivated by pleasant emotions, but by fear or guilt, which inevitably produces negative consequences: indirect or unconscious manipulation, passive aggression or self-destructive attitude, which shows in self-hatred or even physical disease. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Na početku citirat ću tekst jednog našeg autora: "Ljudi koji sebe vole, ne pokušavaju povrijediti druge ljude", kaže kraljica talk-showa Oprah Winfrey. Mora da nije čula za Hitlera, Staljina, Mao Ce Tunga - masovne ubojice s izrazito visokim samopouzdanjem i samopoštovanjem. Nije čula ni za djecu koja provode nasilje nad vršnjacima. Tim podivljalim klincima sigurno nedostaje štošta, ali ne i samopouzdanja. "Nasilnici se ponašaju nasilno baš zato što posjeduju nerealno visoko samopouzdanje i samopoštovanje. Mnogi nasilni zločinci opisuju se nadmoćnima, posebnim i elitnim osobama koje zaslužuju povoljniji tretman", poručuje Ulla Lovenkrands, danska psihologinja koja 20 godina istražuje psihologiju kriminala. "Članovi uličnih bandi imaju visoko mišljenje o sebi i traže od drugih da ih poštuju. Nasilnici sa školskih igrališta smatraju se nadmoćnima okolini. Nisko samopoštovanje i samopouzdanje nalazimo među žrtvama nasilnika, a ne među samim nasilnicima." Ovakvo razmišljanje tipično je za laike kojima nedostaje obrazovanje u psihologiji i uvid u vlastite dublje emocionalne procese. Ali začuđujuće je površno i brzopleto za obrazovane psihologe. U prvom redu, ovi navodi prepoznaju samo vanjsku manifestaciju ponašanja, samo one osjećaje koje su i takvi kriminalci sposobni dopustiti sebi i priznati drugim ljudima. Vanjsko samopouzdanje izjednačuje se sa samopoštovanjem, a obrambeni mehanizmi s istinskim, dubokim osjećajima. Samopoštovanje se također indirektno izjednačuje s manjim senzibilitetom za tuđe potrebe. Ako ste spremni pogledati u sebe, dublje od onih najpovršnijih osjećaja, primijetit ćete da se često događa da su neki osjećaji i ponašanja, s kojima se osjećamo sigurnije i moćnije, maska i obrambeni mehanizam od dubljih neugodnih emocija. U jednostavnijem primjeru, mnogoj djeci nije bilo dozvoljavano izražavati ljutnju, pa su se ona počela osjećati nesigurno s tom emocijom. Tada se takva emocija može početi prikrivati s nekom s kojom se osjećamo sigurnije, na primjer tugom. Događa li vam se da se „rasplačete od bijesa“? To može biti znak takvog procesa. Nasilje i arogancija suprotni su primjer tome. Prezir prema sebi i svojim osjećajima, duboki osjećaj manje vrijednosti, sram i krivnja emocije su koje su takve osobe doživjele i potisnule kao djeca, jer su im bile previše bolne i zastrašujuće. Naučile su ih maskirati maskom moći i samopouzdanja, jer su naučile da će ih okolina manje pokušavati povređivati ako su takvi. Zašto takve osobe preziru emocije i ne mogu izraziti nježne osjećaje? Zato jer takve osjećaje doživljavaju kao zastrašujuću slabost i ranjivost. Je li to ljubav prema sebi? Kako se samopoštovanjem može nazivati prezir prema najnježnijim dijelovima sebe? Istinsko samopoštovanje znači upravo te emocije najviše cijeniti. Površni promatrač reći će da nasilne i arogantne osobe nemaju nježnih osjećaja i suosjećanja. To bi podrazumijevalo tvrdnju da su oni nekako „sami od sebe“ postali bezosjećajni ili se čak takvi rodili. Ja tvrdim da su oni nježne emocije potisnuli u vrlo ranoj dobi te da im je sposobnost takvih osjećaja u međuvremenu zakržljala. Zašto su ih potisnuli? Očito ne zato jer bi se u tim emocijama osjećali ugodno i sigurno, prihvaćeni i cijenjeni od okoline. Autor početnih navoda također spominje američku tendenciju da se djecu uči da su bolja od drugih i da im se usađuje nerealno samopouzdanje. Želja „biti bolji od drugih“, „posebni i elitni“ podrazumijeva da se ne osjećamo dovoljno dobri i vrijedni ako smo ravnopravni drugima, dakle ne možemo cijeniti sebe samim time što smo ovdje i takve kakvi jesmo. Dubljom analizom takvih obitelji, u pravilu će se doći do atmosfere u kojoj je odobravanje prisutno na riječima, no u ponašanju umjesto istinske topline, suosjećanja i prihvaćanja dolazi do suzdržanosti, licemjerja, glume i uvjetovane ljubavi. Osobe koje se tako ponašaju ne moraju to činiti svjesno i namjerno, dovoljno je da je to jedino što su imale prilike naučiti i vidjeti u primarnoj okolini u djetinjstvu. Atmosferu u kojoj odrastamo počinjemo doživljavati kao normalnu. Ako se kasnije takve osobe i suoče s postojanjem ljepših, nježnijih emocija ili ponašanja, ili ih nisu sposobne dublje doživjeti da bi bile motivirane razviti ih, ili osjećaju strah od takvih emocija odnosno osjećaj krivnje što ih nemaju, od kojeg se brane potiskivanjem. U takvoj atmosferi, u kojoj su na riječima velika očekivanja i ohrabrivanja, no u stvarnosti nedostaje topline, suosjećanja i zdravih granica, dijete je zbunjeno jer mu riječi najvažnijih ljudi govore suprotno od njegovih instinktivnih dubokih osjećaja. U nedostatku dublje svijesti o svojim procesima i potrebi da vjeruje roditeljima, dijete zaboravlja svoje osjećaje i prihvaća roditeljsku istinu. Kako podsvjesno i dalje osjeća da istinske ljubavi nedostaje, ali ne može to sebi osvjestiti i verbalizirati, pokušava sve više inzistirati na ponašanju koje mu se prezentira kao moćno i svemu od čega dobiva privremenu zamjenu za istinsku ljubav prema sebi – a te zamjene mogu biti moć, odobravanje ili materijalni darovi. Tvrdnja da su nasilna djeca ona sa „previše samopoštovanja“ nelogična je između ostalog i u svjetlu činjenice da takva djeca u pravilu napadaju one najslabije i najplašljivije, te često uz to napadaju u grupi. Ona neće napasti one koji im se čine podjednako jakima ili spremnima uzvratiti, jer idu na sigurno, neće riskirati poraz, povredu i ranjivost. Neki od njih i osjećaju da ne rade ispravno, ali se pokoravaju mišljenju grupe jer se osjećaju ovisni o odobravanju i podršci ostalih. Je li to samopoštovanje? Hitler je počinio samoubojstvo jer se nije mogao suočiti s porazom. Za bezobzirne „moćnike“ tipično je da su nesposobni podnijeti kritiku, ranjivost i sumnju u sebe. Zašto su ih nesposobni podnijeti? Zato jer duboko vole i prihvaćaju sebe? Ne, nego jer su im ti osjećaji previše bolni, ugrožavaju njihove obrambene mehanizme i suočavajuju ih s nepodnošljivo bolnim sramom i strahovima iz djetinjstva. Želite li da vam djeca vole sebe, ukažite im na njihove mane i neprihvatljivo ponašanje, ali s ljubavlju - tako da mogu steći osjećaj da je pogreška u redu i da će i dalje biti voljena iako imaju mane. Nemojte im govoriti da su bolja od drugih, istovremeno postavljajući pred njih pretjerana očekivanja i omalovažavajući suptilno ili manje suptilno njihove ili tuđe slabosti i ranjivosti. Pokažite da poštujete njih, ali i sebe, da svatko ima svoje granice i pravo na njih. Poneki roditelji daju sve djeci, ali zanemaruju sebe. To je također kontradikcija koja zbunjuje dijete. U takvoj obitelji prisutno je mnogo nedoslijednosti, a malo istinske ljubavi, jer roditelj koji ne voli i ne cijeni sebe, ne zna postaviti granice i ne osjeća da na to ima pravo, ne može pružiti stvarnu ljubav i poštovanje djetetu niti mu dati primjer toga. Tada se dijete okreće onome što mu je jedina zamjena – iskorištavanju roditelja i obrambenim mehanizmima kojima se uvjerava da ima pravo na to jer je „bolji od drugih“. S druge strane, istinsko poštovanje i suosjećanje prema drugim ljudima može potjecati jedino iz sposobnosti da se pritom osjećamo dobro sami sa sobom i vrednujemo sebe, te iz sposobnosti da i sami razumijemo i suosjećamo s vlastitim manama i neugodnim emocijama. Postoje ljudi koji se mogu ponašati s poštovanjem prema drugim ljudima, a da pritom nemaju osjećaj vlastite vrijednosti. No, oni nisu na to motivirani ugodnim osjećajima već krivnjom ili strahom, koji neizostavno imaju druge negativne posljedice: neizravnu i neonesviještenu manipulaciju ili pasivnu agresiju u nekim drugim trenucima, ili samodestrukciju koja se odražava na fizičko tijelo. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.