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If you look around a bit, it seems that in most "stable" relationships partners communicate more through grumbling and sarcasm, than with warmth and respect. These same partners, if somebody years ago suggested that they sit down and make a serious agreement about how their life together should look like, would probably say something like "but this is so unromantic!" or "What is there to talk about, we'll solve problems as they come!". Some years later, more serious challenges appear - maybe financial problems, intrusive relatives, demanding or sick children. Each partner responds to stress as they have learned in their families. The desire to please the partner has in the meantime faded away, and every disagreement causes more tension and frustration. Without pre-determined strategies to respond to problems and disagreements, both have a vast array of immature and inappropriate reactions to choose from. Reacting in a healthy and mature way to continuous irritations is often not easy, because it requires responsibility and thoughtfulness just in the moments when we are at our most subjective and most impulsive. In such moments, it is good to have a firm agreement, preferably on a sheet of paper, which you can remind yourself of. It's easier to make a fair, balanced agreement while both parties still feel mutual trust and desire to invest in the relationship. Therefore I suggest, if you plan to marry or move in with your potential partner, that you sit down together and discuss your expectations, attitudes about specific potential problems and personal quirks. Even if it may seem too formal, I recommend that you write down the essential parts of your agreement. Later, you will probably be glad you did. If your partner refuses such a conversation, tries to ridicule or belittle your suggestions, this is a good indication of how (s)he is likely to act later in the relationship. Notice if you start finding excuses for such behavior and ignore the warning signals in your body. To start with, let both of you think separately of (and ideally write down) your views on the following topics, and then discuss them together: I recommend that you talk to other couples about their experiences, what problems do they face and how (and if) they solve them. A good approach is to make a deal that you will follow for about a year, and after one year to make a "revision" - discuss what do you do well, what does not work and what attitudes might have changed in the meantime. One of the biggest mistakes in such a discussion is believing that your view is the only correct one. Perhaps it is right for you, but someone else might have totally different feelings, beliefs, constitution and so on. What is important to note is the way you communicate. Do both of you show compassion, understanding and respect even if you disagree? Are you able to at least partially adapt to the needs of the other? If your partner doesn't show much interest in your feelings, if (s)he communicates like an irresponsible adolescent, you can expect this problem to continue and increase in the later stages of the relationship. You need to decide whether you can accept such shortcomings and live with them, even if they eventually get worse, or not. If your partner's behavior doesn't feel acceptable to you, it's a good idea to check why do you stay in such relationship. Are you bonded by fear of being alone, by the hope that your partner will "magically" change (or that you will be able to save him/her), or do you feel that you have to be with this person, but don't know why? Check also our article Patterns in Love Relationships. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Ako malo pogledate oko sebe, čini se da u većini "stabilnih" veza partneri međusobno komuniciraju više kroz gunđanje i poluuvrede nego s toplinom i poštovanjem. Isti ti partneri, da im je netko prije nekoliko godina predložio da sjednu i naprave ozbiljan dogovor o tome kako bi trebao izgledati njihov zajednički život, vjerojatno bi rekli nešto kao "ali to je tako neromantično!" ili "što se tu ima puno pričati, probleme ćemo rješavati onako kako dođu!". Par godina kasnije, pojavili su se ozbiljniji izazovi – možda financijski problemi, nametljiva rodbina, zahtjevna ili bolesna djeca. Svatko od partnera počinje reagirati na stres onako kako je naučio u svojoj obitelji. Želja da se udovolji partneru u međuvremenu je prilično splasnula i svako neslaganje izaziva sve više napetosti i frustracije. Bez unaprijed dogovorenih strategija kako reagirati na probleme i neslaganje, svatko ima široko polje nezrelih i neprikladnih reakcija na izbor. Reagirati na zdravi i odrastao način obično je malo teže, jer zahtijeva odgovornost i promišljenost upravo u trenucima kad smo najsubjektivniji i najimpulzivniji. U takvim trenucima, dobro je imati čvrst dogovor, po mogućnosti na listu papira, na koji se možete podsjetiti. Najlakše je napraviti korektan, uravnotežen dogovor dok obje strane još osjećaju povjerenje i želju da ulažu u odnos. Zbog toga predlažem da, ako se spremate za brak ili zajednički život, sa svojim potencijalnim partnerom sjednete i raspravite svoja očekivanja, stavove u vezi pojedinih mogućih problema i osobne mušice. Koliko god vam se to možda činilo preformalnim, preporučujem da bitne dijelove zajedničkog dogovora zapišete. Kasnije će vam vjerojatno biti drago da ste to učinili. Odbija li vaš partner takav razgovor, pokušava li ga ismijati ili omalovažiti, to je dobar nagovještaj kako će se vjerojatno ponašati kasnije u braku. Primijetite nalazite li izgovore za takvo ponašanje i ignorirate li znakove upozorenja u svojem tijelu. Za početak, neka svatko za sebe razmisli (i idealno zapiše) svoje stavove o sljedećim temama, a kasnije ih raspravite zajednički: Preporučujem da razgovarate s drugim parovima o njihovim iskustvima; s kojim problemima se suočavaju i kako (i da li) ih rješavaju. Dobar je pristup napraviti dogovor koji će trajati oko godinu dana, pa nakon isteka godine napraviti "reviziju"- raspraviti što vam dobro ide, što ne funkcionira i koji su se stavovi možda u međuvremenu promijenili. Jedna od najvećih pogrešaka kod takvih dogovora je smatrati da je vaše gledište jedino ispravno. Možda je ispravno za vas, ali netko drugi može imati potpuno različite osjećaje. Ono što je bitno primijetiti je način na koji komunicirate. Da li oboje pokazujete suosjećanje, razumijevanje i poštovanje čak i ako se ne slažete? Da li ste sposobni barem se djelomično prilagoditi potrebama druge osobe? Ako partner nema sluha za vaše osjećaje, ako komunicira poput neodgovornog adolescenta, onda je za očekivati da će se takav stav nastaviti i postati sve izraženiji u kasnijim fazama odnosa. Vi sami za sebe trebate odlučiti da li su vam njegove mane prihvatljive čak i ako se s vremenom pogoršaju, ili nisu. Ako nisu, dobro je provjeriti zašto uopće ostajete u takvom odnosu. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.