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Here's an interesting quote: "Marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married." (Seth Adam Smith) This sounds beautiful, almost holy. And yet. This is a beautiful idea pushed into an extreme, and extremes are NEVER healthy, no matter how beautiful they sound. This quote still presumes that in some way you'd be able to experience meaning, fulfillment and some sort of pleasure, even if only in fulfilling your own ideals. But what if the other person is not really a good partner for you? What if, in spite of your efforts and sacrifice, things are getting worse and worse? What if, with time, you and your partner have simply developed in different directions? There are plenty of people who perceive others' efforts and idealism as a weakness to be exploited, as in business, so in relationships. There are even more people who are simply not a good match to you, whether emotionally, intellectually, or at the level of life values. How long can you tolerate it? What's the point of life without joy? How long can you suppress your emotions, without them bursting out in other ways: through manipulation, passive aggression, depression or disease? Also, what kind of example do you want to give to your children? Would you want them to live in a similar way? Preserving marriage at all costs was a way to ensure survival in the history by making a society more stable, but now our survival is not threatened anymore (or at least not in traditional ways). When survival traditions become oversimplified dogma, they cause hypocrisy, subtle and not-so-subtle violence and unhappy children. It seems weird that I have to defend human desire for happiness; can we even be human and neglect such a basic part of our nature? Still, throughout the history, happiness was frowned upon in favor of community survival, and still many people prefer extreme, oversimplified beliefs and ideals, rather than complexity and balance. So, in a case where happiness in a relationship is not achievable, is the purpose of marriage happiness (love) or duty? I guess everybody chooses for themselves; what I don't like is judging other people according to rigid beliefs, if we didn't experience how it feels to be them. Life is already hard enough; to be a good parent, employer/employee and similar we already need to sacrifice a lot; do we have to judge people who don't want to give up every chance for happiness? Perhaps the key mistake of our society in this context is raising children and young people on the ideals of love and happiness in marriage, only to push them later to stay married because of the ideal of duty. If people stay married even if unhappy, because of ideals of sacrifice and persistence, can we truly call it love? Duty would be a much more appropriate word. If, then, the purpose of marriage is duty (which is true for some communities and individuals), then children should be taught from the beginning that marriage is a social contract established for the purpose of duty, not love. Then young people could be aware of what choice are they making and decide if that's what they want, and if yes, when. But if this was common, much less people would decide to get married, which would endanger tradition and tribal instincts which still guide many if not most people. That's why mass-manipulation is socially accepted, even cherished. Healthy and responsible parents can raise happy and secure children even if they don't live together. We could discuss what has worse consequences for children: divorce or living with parents who are unhappy, perhaps fighting, ignoring or humiliating each other all the time? In both cases, children face pain, that's inevitable (and perhaps even better for them than being overly protected from challenges). If parents can be supportive and guide children through the short-term pain, they will do them a much bigger favor than through pretense and sacrificing their own happiness. Many relationships become unhealthy because people expect to receive happiness and fulfillment from the other person, rather than taking responsibility for creating it themselves. That leads to mutual dependence - symbiosis - and often to manipulation, too. A sense of duty in a marriage often stems from the impression that the other person is emotionally or financially dependent of us. While this is correct when it comes to children, it's not healthy for adult people. Still, often children and young people are still subtly indoctrinated that women should be financially dependent of men. This is additionally enforced by society valuing female work and female intelligence less compared to male, and by lack of social support to parents of small children, especially single mothers. Additionally, people of both genders can feel emotionally dependent of the stability of marriage. This can lead to situations in which marriage is preserved out of duty, not happiness. The next step, which some people and communities do, is to put duty in the first place, while personal feelings are ignored (which is an example of idealism leading to imbalance). These people might truly want to live the ideal of supporting others, sacrificing themselves for their families and valuing stable families over temporary emotions. Sometimes this is the more mature and reasonable choice. But is it always? I'd say an ideal relationship is the one in which both people take responsibility for their own happiness and respect their partner as an independent individual who doesn't owe them anything (because they both invest into the relationship equally), rather than perceiving the partner as some kind of personal property. Such a person would not feel good about trying to keep around somebody who would be happier somewhere else. "But you promised!..." is an attitude of a victim, not a strong adult. As for children, healthy and responsible adults are willing to take responsibility for their balanced upbringing, regardless whether they live together or not. Generally, it's important for every relationship that individuals preserve their emotional and material independence, that they communicate clearly, have firm boundaries and have their own interests outside the relationship. Few things kill passion more than the feeling of obligation, i.e., the feeling that the partner depends of you. Few things can increase passion more than an independent partner who changes and grows, and who stays with you because they so choose, rather than because they feel bonded. Can you be such a partner? Do you have enthusiasm and liveliness you create yourself, rather than seeking it in somebody else? Some people enjoy strong stimulation, get bored easily and have a need for adrenaline. This can show in their close relationships, too. Sometimes this can be learned in childhood, but it's quite easily possible that such traits are the consequence of human biological diversity. From evolutionary perspective, humanity needs some part of its population to like risk, excitement and change, which is often a contribution to society. For a different kind of contribution, humanity also needs people who enjoy peace, stability, and even routine. If you are a person who enjoys risk and change, but you believe in the ideal of long-term relationship, you can feel a particularly strong ethical and emotional conflict, especially if you are in a relationship with a person who is emotionally healthy and a quality partner. Your values say one thing, but your whole body pulls in another direction. Can you resist this for years, or even your whole life? Ideally, you'd recognize your nature on time, while you are not yet committed to a stable relationship. Then you can be more honest to yourself and other people, too. Perhaps you'll come to the conclusion that traditional forms of relationships are not for you. This is all right, if you can clearly, honestly and timely explain this to potential partners. The worth of a relationship is not necessarily in its length. Some people can learn and create most through the depth of long-term relationships, and others through exploring and new experiences. We don't all have to be similar. It's important to come to terms with what you want and to be honest to others from the very beginning. (Also, do not lead them on if they are not into the same kind of relationship as you are. A client told me a few weeks back, "Some men think that if they say, "I don't want commitment", it gives them license to act however they want". If you don't want commitment with someone who does, it's only ethical to back off. End of story.) Consider also if you can bring change into your life in other ways instead of changing partners. Perhaps through entrepreneurship, traveling, active hobbies and other forms of new activities? If you find a partner who is also open to change and exploration, the relationship doesn't have to become routine. It's particularly important that a partner is emotionally independent - a needy partner who wants you to make them feel safe is not likely to remain stimulating and challenging. When you look for a partner, keep this in mind, as well as the need for honesty. I don't believe in forcing people and relationships into rigid boxes. I believe in diversity, as long as it's honest, well-meaning and considerate. When you have to make a difficult decision, it's primarily important to be honest to both yourself and others, and to learn to distinguish healthy emotional urges from unhealthy and immature ones. Recognize also that few decisions are entirely without some unwanted consequences, so you need to be ready to deal with them. Just because we might be in committed relationships, our hormones and childish emotional patterns won't go to sleep. Worse, once a relationship feels safe and reliable, our hormones can make us seek new forms of excitement, while childish parts of our subconscious minds can easily wake up if a new person comes around who reminds us of our unfulfilled needs from childhood. Then intense emotions can easily bring us to idealize the new person and believe them a better match than the current partner, even if the partner is emotionally more mature and invests more effort into the relationship. Consider carefully to what extent your emotions seem to be the result of hormones and childish hopes, and how well do you realistically know your new crush. Do you take your current partner for granted and did you neglect your own efforts? It's likely that you will repeat that in your next relationship, and next, which might end up in a string of disappointments. On the other hand, it is possible that you have matured, and the new person might realistically be a better match to your essential values and healthy criteria. But be honest to yourself and listen to any warning signal you might feel. If your committed partnership is in crisis, first consider if you put enough effort in it, or do you expect to be comfortable without work? Do you give love to your partner in the ways they want to receive it, or do you insist on doing it only in the ways you like? Is your communication honest and does it reach deeper than surface, or do you avoid opening up so that you'd appear stronger and in the right? If frustration and disappointments in a relationship are superficial and short-term, while mutual respect and efforts are there, then it's definitely a good idea to stay in the relationship and focus on improving it further. But if your whole body keeps telling you that you betray your values by staying in a relationship, then pay attention. There is time to invest into a relationship, and there is time to acknowledge your boundaries. Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Evo još jednog citata: "U braku se ne radi o vama. U brak ne ulazite zbog sebe, nego da usrećite nekoga drugoga. Također, u brak ulazite zbog obitelji. Ne zbog postojeće rodbine, nego buduće djece. Koju osobu želite uza sebe da vam ih pomogne odgojiti (...) i da utječe na njih? Brak nije za vas. U braku se radi o osobi s kojom ulazite u brak." (Seth Adam Smith) Ovo zvuči lijepo, gotovo sveto. No ipak. Ovaj citat uzima lijepu ideju i tjera je do ekstrema, a ekstremi NIKAD nisu zdravi, bez obzira kako lijepo zvučali. Gornje riječi pretpostavljaju da ćete ipak na neki način doživjeti smisao i neku vrstu zadovoljstva, čak i ako je to samo zbog ispunjavanja vlastitih ideala. Ali što ako druga osoba nije kvalitetan partner? Što ako unatoč vašem trudu, predanosti i žrtvovanju stvari postaju sve gore i gore? Ima puno ljudi koji tuđi trud i idealizam doživljavaju kao slabost koju treba iskoristiti, kako u poslu, tako i u vezama. Ima još više ljudi koji vam jednostavno ne odgovaraju, emocionalno, intelektualno ili što se tiče životnih vrijednosti. Koliko to možete i želite podnositi? Čemu život u kojem nema radosti? Koliko dugo možete potiskivati svoje osjećaje, a da to ne izađe na površinu na druge načine, kroz manipulaciju, pasivnu agresiju, depresiju ili bolest? I kakav primjer želite dati svojoj djeci; da li biste željeli da i ona žive na sličan način? Ovakve tradicije dotjerane do ekstrema donijele su već puno licemjerja, prikrivenog nasilja i nesretne djece. Čini se čudno da uopće moram braniti ljudsku želju za srećom; možemo li uopće biti ljudi, a zanemariti tako temeljni dio naše prirode? Ipak, primjećujem da nemali broj ljudi voli pojednostavljene i ekstremne stavove i ideale, nasuprot uravnoteženosti i složenosti, pa je to izgleda ipak potrebno. Dakle, u slučajevima gdje uzajamnu sreću nije moguće ostvariti, je li svrha braka dužnost ili sreća? Pretpostavljam da svatko bira za sebe; ono što ne volim je prosuđivanje drugih ljudi prema krutim kriterijima, ako nismo iskusili kako je biti u njihovoj koži. Život je već dovoljno težak; biti dobar roditelj, kvalitetan radnik i slično, sve to već zahtijeva goleme žrtve; moramo li osuđivati ljude zato što se ne žele odreći baš svega? Možda je ključna pogreška društva u tome da odgaja djecu i mlade u ideji da se brak sklapa zbog ideala ljubavi, da bi im zatim nametalo ostanak u braku na temelju ideala dužnosti. Ako ostajemo u braku u kojem smo nezadovoljni i neispunjeni, zbog vlastitih ideala o požrtvovnosti i ustrajnosti, možemo li to i dalje zvati ljubavlju? Dužnost bi bila prikladnija riječ. Ako je svrha braka dužnost, što za neke ljude i zajednice i jest, onda bi djecu trebalo od početka učiti da je brak socijalni ugovor u kojeg se ulazi radi dužnosti, a ne ljubavi, kako bi ona mogla svjesnije odlučiti žele li to ili ne, i ako žele, kada. No ako bi se tako činilo, mnogo manje ljudi bi se odlučivalo za brak, što bi značilo ugrožavanje tradicije i plemenskih instinkata po kojima se većina ljudi još uvijek ravna. Zato je masovna manipulacija društveno prihvatljivija. Predani i odgovorni roditelji mogu odgojiti sretnu i sigurnu djecu čak i ako ne žive zajedno. Mogli bi raspravljati o tome što ima gori učinak na djecu: razvod ili život s roditeljima koji su nesretni zajedno? U oba slučaja, djeca će iskusiti bol, to je već neizbježno (a vjerojatno i bolje za njih nego da ih se previše zaštićuje od izazova). Ako roditelji znaju podržati i voditi dijete kroz takvu bol, učinit će im mnogo veću uslugu nego da se pretvaraju i žrtvuju kako bi ih zaštitili. Mnogi odnosi postaju nezdravi jer ljudi očekuju sreću i ispunjenje od onog drugog, umjesto da za to sami preuzmu odgovornost. To vodi uzajamnoj ovisnosti, te često manipulaciji. Velik dio osjećaja dužnosti potječe iz dojma da je druga osoba financijski i/ili emocionalno ovisna o nama. Dok je to točno kad se radi o maloj djeci, nije zdravo kad se radi o odraslim osobama. No, još uvijek se često djecu i mlade ljude suptilno (ili ne tako suptilno) podučava da bi obično žena trebala biti materijalno ovisna o muškarcu, a društvo to dodatno podupire manjim vrednovanjem ženskog rada i inteligencije, te lošom socijalnom podrškom roditeljima male djece, pogotovo majkama. Dodatno, osobe oba spola mogu se osjećati emocionalno ovisne o stabilnosti braka. To može voditi situacijama u kojima se brak održava iz dužnosti, a ne iz ljubavi. Sljedeći korak, koji čine neki ljudi i zajednice, je da se dužnost postavi na prvo mjesto, a osjećaji ignoriraju (što je primjer kako idealizam može voditi neravnoteži). Takvi ljudi mogu zaista željeti živjeti ideal podrške drugim ljudima, žrtvovanje sebe u odnosu na obitelj i davanje prednosti dugoročnoj stabilnosti obitelji u odnosu na prolazne emocije. Ponekad to i jest zreliji i kvalitetniji izbor. No je li uvijek? Po meni, idealan odnos je onaj u kojem oboje ljudi preuzima odgovornost za vlastitu sreću i cijeni partnera kao neovisnu osobu koja im ništa ne duguje (zato jer oboje podjednako ulažu u odnos), umjesto da ga doživljava kao neku vrstu vlasništva. Takva osoba neće čak ni teoretski podnositi ideju da zadržava uza sebe nekoga tko bi realno bio sretniji negdje drugdje. "Ali obećao/la si mi!" je stav žrtve, a ne izgrađene osobe. Što se tiče djece, zdrave i neovisne osobe su spremne preuzeti odgovornost koja im pripada, bez obzira žive li zajedno ili ne. Općenito, mislim da je za svaku vezu važno da pojedinac zadrži emocionalnu i materijalnu neovisnost, da se jasno izražava, postavlja čvrste granice, te da ima vlastite interese i izvan veze. Malo što ubija strast toliko koliko osjećaj dužnosti, odnosno osjećaj da partner ovisi o vama, a malo što može potaći strast toliko koliko neovisan partner koji se mijenja i razvija, te koji je s vama zato što tako odabire, a ne zato što se osjeća vezan. Znate li biti takav partner? Imate li živost i avanturu koje sami stvarate, umjesto da to tražite od nekoga drugoga? Neki ljudi su skloni uzbuđenjima, lako im postane dosadno i imaju potrebu za adrenalinom. To se može pokazati i u bliskim odnosima. Nekad je to rezultat odgoja, ali lako je moguće i da je to posljedica ljudske biološke raznolikosti i da nam je, evolucijski gledano, potreban jedan postotak populacije koji će biti sklon riziku, uzbuđenju i promjenama, kako bi cijelo društvo napredovalo. Ako ste takva osoba, a istovremeno vjerujete u ideal stabilne veze, možete se naći u posebno snažnom emotivnom i etičkom konfliktu, posebno ako ste u vezi s osobom koja je emocionalno zdrava i ulaže trud u vaš odnos. Vaše vrijednosti vam govore jedno, ali cijelo vaše tijelo vuče na drugu stranu. Možete li se tome odupirati godinama, pa i cijeli život? Idealno bi bilo ako svoju prirodu uspijete prepoznati na vrijeme, dok se još niste "obavezali" na stabilnu zajednicu. Tada možete biti iskreniji prema sebi, ali i prema drugima. Možda ćete zaključiti da vam tradicionalni oblici odnosa ne odgovaraju, što je sasvim u redu ako to možete otvoreno, iskreno i na vrijeme objasniti potencijalnim partnerima. Vrijednost odnosa nije nužno u njegovoj dužini. Neki ljudi mogu naučiti i stvoriti najviše kroz trajno produbljivanje stabilnih odnosa, a neki kroz istraživanje i nova iskustva. Ne moramo biti svi isti. Bitno je prepoznati što želite i biti potpuno iskreni od samog početka. Razmislite također možete li uzbuđenje i promjenu u svoj život unijeti i na druge načine osim kroz promjenu partnera. Možda kroz poduzetništvo, putovanja, aktivne hobije i druge oblike novih aktivnosti? Ako nađete partnera koji je također otvoren promjeni i istraživanju, možda odnos nikad ne mora stvarno ući u rutinu. Ono što je posebno bitno je da je partner emocionalno neovisan i ne oslanja se na vas - potrebit partner koji u vama traži sigurnost teško da će vam ostati poticaj i izazov. Pri izboru partnera, vodite o tome računa, kao i o iskrenosti prema sebi i drugima. Ne vjerujem u kruto ukalupljivanje ljudi i odnosa. Vjerujem u raznolikost, dok god je ta raznolikost iskrena, dobronamjerna i obzirna. Kod donošenja teških odluka, važno je u prvom redu biti iskreni prema sebi i drugima, te naučiti razlikovati zdrave porive od nezdravih i nezrelih. Prepoznajte također da niti jedna odluka neće biti lišena nekih negativnih posljedica, te se s tima trebate naučiti nositi. Samim time što smo u stabilnoj vezi, naši hormoni i dječji obrasci neće otići na spavanje. Štoviše, jednom kad ta veza postane rutina, hormoni nas mogu navoditi da tražimo novi izvor uzbuđenja, a dječji dijelovi podsvijesti mogu se lako probuditi ako naiđe neka nova osoba koja nas podsjeća na neispunjene dječje potrebe. Tada nas intenzitet emocija lako može navesti da ideliziramo tu novu osobu i da vjerujemo da ona mora biti bolja za nas od sadašnjeg partnera, čak i ako je partner, realno gledano, emocionalno zreliji i više ulaže u odnos. Pažljivo razmislite o tome koliko su vaše emocije rezultat hormona i dječjih očekivanja, a koliko ste stvarno dobro procijenili tu novu osobu. Uzimate li zdravo za gotovo kvalitete sadašnjeg partnera i jeste li zapostavili vlastiti trud? Vrlo je vjerojatno da ćete to ponoviti i u sljedećem odnosu, pa u sljedećem, što se može pretvoriti u niz razočaranja. S druge strane, moguće je da ste s vremenom sazrijeli i da nova osoba uistinu više odgovara vašim dubljim vrijednostima i zdravijim kriterijima. U svakom slučaju, ako vaš brak dođe u krizu, prvo provjerite jeste li dovoljno uložili, trudite li se zaista ili očekujete da će vam biti ugodno bez truda? Dajete li partneru ljubav na način na koji je on/a želi primiti, ili inzistirate da to bude onako kako vama odgovara? Je li komunikacija iskrena i zahvaća dublje od površine, ili izbjegavate otvaranje kako bi se prezentirali kao ispravni i neranjivi? Ako su frustracije i razočaranja unutar odnosa samo površna i kratkotrajna, a poštovanje i uzajamni trud su prisutni, onda je definitivno dobro ostati u vezi i potruditi se oko nje. Ali ako vam cijelo vaše tijelo uporno govori da izdajete sami sebe održavajući neki odnos, poslušajte ga. Postoji vrijeme da se trudite oko odnosa, i postoji vrijeme da prepoznate svoje granice. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.