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Compare your behavior with the behavior of an emotionally healthy child (although with the average upbringing most children lose their emotional health very soon): how much of that curiosity do you still have? … that playfulness… mobility… openness… energy… trust… joy of life…? Can you imagine bringing those qualities back into your life? These are our true qualities, which cannot be destroyed; we can cut them off and bury them under limiting beliefs, during unpleasant experiences, but we can access and live them again. Emotions are “voices of our subconscious minds“, parts of us that are closest to our inner core, to our primordial, spontaneous and intuitive being. Whenever there is a conflict between rational thinking and emotions – if the emotions are healthy – my experience leads me to believe that emotions will usually contain information that is more relevant. Emotions offer information of how the deepest, truest parts of ourselves experience what is going on around us. Emotions are messengers from the huge reservoir of the unconscious rather than limited rational knowledge. Whenever somebody violates our personal boundaries and integrity, even in a subtle way, our emotions will warn us much faster than our logic. They can warn us about the danger of manipulation, exploitation or other kinds of hurt. Unfortunately, we are trained to censor them much more than we are even aware of. Often we will notice this in others, but not so much in ourselves. Subliminal, emotional parts of us will register much more information about other people’s personalities and intentions, than our conscious minds can interpret. They can register every detail in others' nonverbal signals and offer the inner knowledge that we call intuition. Since emotions are parts of our core being, we cannot ignore them without consequences. In my opinion, too many religious and New Age approaches suggest that people reject, ignore, conquer or ”rise above” emotions, resulting in deep inner conflicts that can lead to even more suppression, control and fear of self-awareness, less tolerance and less consideration for other people’s point of view. Even people who are truly committed to personal development, sometimes have difficulty facing unpleasant emotions. Most unhealthy emotions are deeply connected to a toxic self-image. Becoming aware of them can be unpleasant – but less unpleasant than people often fear. Fear of our own emotions is usually acquired in childhood, too, if we felt overwhelmed by them or were punished for them. When we block unpleasant emotions, we also block pleasant ones, since they are all intertwined. To small, dependent children, immature behavior of people around them can be so frightening that they try to absorb the shock by creating limiting beliefs and suppressing their feelings. The reason it is so hard to resolve those feelings and become aware of them is that infantile parts of us, once dissociated and suppressed from consciousness, never had the chance to mature. They stay on a childish level of perception even when we grow up. Even now, they are still just as afraid of difficult emotions, as when they were originally created. How can we distinguish healthy from unhealthy emotions? Here are some guidelines: Healthy (adult) emotions: - The intensity of emotions is appropriate to the situation (in everyday situations, it's usually mild discomfort, like a warning) - Healthy emotions motivate us, give us energy for appropriate action, for example defending our boundaries and integrity - We usually have no problem expressing them, as those parts of us were able to mature because they could be recognized and expressed within our families. (We might feel problems and tension, though, if our adult emotions are mixed with unhealthy feelings and guilt. This is most common, since many people learn at an early age to feel guilty if they express their feelings sincerely.) - There is no tension and discomfort left once the situation is resolved - There is no black or white attitude, we perceive both sides of the story - We do not feel humiliated or bad about ourselves, nor do we feel a need to humiliate or hurt others. Unhealthy (childish) emotions: - are either overly intense or suppressed - They are followed by an inner conflict, usually between guilt (maybe it is my fault) and shame (I acted stupidly) on one side, and anger (they have no right to treat me like that, I should tell them what they deserve!) on the other, accompanied by unpleasant bodily sensations. This conflict can persist long after the unpleasant situation is over. Even if you are objectively right, such emotions can show you that there is a part of you that either is frightened or feels guilty. Some childish emotions can feel good temporarily (arrogance, spite...) but the inner conflict remains. - These inner conflicts sap your energy and, if prolonged, result in stress and tiredness - You feel that you are (primarily) right, and the other person (primarily) wrong (sometimes the other way around, although that is more common with children or extremely abused people) - You feel uncomfortable and doubtful about yourself, which may motivate you to criticize and find even more faults in other people. Sometimes, details in other people's behavior can trigger very strong emotions, so strong that we are easily convinced that they are justified, even if everyone, including our common sense, tells us that our reactions are too intense. This can often happen in intimate relationships, since they arouse our deepest emotions. In those moments, it is difficult to stop thinking about the other person’s behavior and take responsibility for our emotions – but at those very moments, this is most important and brings most benefits. Physical discomfort is a common signal that something is suppressed – a feeling of pressure, a soft cramp, pain or burning sensation in the body. For example, if we feel hurt or threatened, usually some immature part of us will surface, for example a part that believes that we somehow deserved the hurt, even if we are rationally aware of reality. To suppress those uneasy feelings and defend themselves, most people use counter-attack or start blaming others. The more intense your fear and guilt are, the bigger is the need to criticize not only the behavior, but also personalities of others. As we can experience every day, this process happens almost unconsciously and is rarely questioned. During such moments, physical discomfort continues and intensifies, sending warnings that we are missing something. If we fear confronting those unpleasant emotions, it seems much easier to continue the same behaviors (although they do not bring results), rather than to focus inside and face our pain. I would define emotional maturity as accepting responsibility for our feelings, our experiences, our behavior and circumstances in our lives. One of the easiest ways to avoid unpleasant emotions, and one of the hardest to unlearn, is passing responsibility to others by pointing out mistakes in their behavior. Even if you are right, when you notice that you keep thinking about the actions and faults of others, imagining what you would like to say to that person, while at the same time feeling uncomfortable sensations in your body, you can be sure that you are avoiding something (for example, fear, guilt or a feeling of inadequacy). It is very easy to get caught up in this process, especially if you realize that the other person is passing responsibility to you too. Then both of you can be caught in a direct or indirect “ping pong” game – a game called ”Who started it first” - with both players feeling more and more attacked and therefore attacking back. In the long term, you can create more and more similar feelings, until you finally decide to take full responsibility to resolve them. You can be certain that you have resolved the cause of a problem when a challenging situation no longer triggers unhealthy emotional reactions. For example, healthy anger will come up if there is a necessity to react, but in healthy anger, there is no need to hurt others or humiliate them, more an urge to set boundaries. Afterwards, if your reaction was constructive and appropriate, there are no lingering unpleasant feelings. In my opinion, a foundation of successful self-development is an ongoing awareness of our feelings. In this way, we can recognize issues that we have to confront, build true intimacy with ourselves, honesty to ourselves, which leads to self-esteem. Sometimes unpleasant situations can be so frightening that we would rather do anything else rather than confront them. Yet this very fear of confrontation is a major cause of discomfort. If we can overcome it and allow ourselves to fully accept our feelings, we will usually experience that they are much less unpleasant and frightening than we thought. When we are afraid or embarrassed to express our emotions, we send ourselves a message that our needs are not important. On the other hand, it is wise not to send others the same messages by acting as if only our feelings matter. Be aware that there are many ways to express the same emotion. The words that first come to your mind might not be the most mature of all. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Usporedite svoje ponašanje s ponašanjem emocionalno zdravog djeteta (premda uz uobičajeni način odgoja i djeca vrlo brzo gube emocionalno zdravlje): koliko vam je ostalo od te znatiželje... razigranosti... pokretljivosti... otvorenosti... energije... povjerenja.... nježnosti... životne radosti...? Do koje mjere vjerujete da to možete vratiti? To su naše izvorne kvalitete koje se ne može uništiti; otcjepljujemo ih i potiskujemo kao rezultat neugodnih iskustava i ograničavajućih uvjerenja, ali svako ljudsko biće posjeduje sposobnost da ih ponovno vrati. Emocije su 'glas naše podsvijesti', dio nas koji je najbliži našem izvornom biću. Ako postoji konflikt između racionalnog razmišljanja i emocija - pod uvjetom da se radi o zdravim emocijama - moje je iskustvo da su praktički uvijek emocije u pravu. Emocije nam šalju poruke o tome kako onaj najdublji, istinski dio nas doživljava sve što se događa. Kad god netko na suptilan način dovodi u pitanje vaše osobne granice i integritet, vaši osjećaji će to registrirati mnogo prije nego razum. Tako vas oni mogu upozoriti na opasnost manipulacije, iskorištavanja ili nekog oblika povrede. Nažalost, navikli smo ih potiskivati u pravilu mnogo više nego što smo toga svjesni. Često to primjećujemo kod drugih, ali mnogo rjeđe kod sebe. Emocije će registrirati daleko više karakteristika druge osobe nego što vaš um primijeti, definira ili čuje. One će na vrlo obuhvatan način percipirati neverbalni govor druge osobe i stvoriti cjelovitu sliku. Budući da su emocije dio našeg izvornog bića, one se ne mogu uništiti ili odbaciti. Po mojem mišljenju, previše duhovnih i New Age smjerova nastoji odbaciti, ignorirati, pokoriti ili 'izdići se iznad' emocija, s posljedicama dubokog unutarnjeg konflikta koji zahtijeva još više potiskivanja, kontrole i još više straha od iskrenosti prema sebi, razmatranju tuđeg mišljenja i tolerancije. Prema Martynu Carruthersu, duhovnost je dugo, kao i ostala područja života, bila pod dominacijom muškog principa, a ženski princip bio je potisnut. Duhovni učitelji propovijedali su intelektualističku ideju duhovnosti, koja je podrazumijevala odvajanje od iskustva i emocija, prazninu uma te odvojenost ili indiferentnost prema vanjskom svijetu. Vjerujem da to može biti jedna, možda i nužna faza u duhovnom razvoju, ali da je istinska duhovnost daleko više od toga: ona bi trebala uključivati radost, užitak, kreativnost i ispunjavajuće odnose s okolinom - iskustvo punine prije nego praznine. 'Negativne' emocije koje su toliko anatemizirane u New Age svijetu, jednako su tako važne kao i pozitivne. Svaka emocija nosi nam važnu poruku: ljutnja, na primjer, pokušaj je da obranimo sebe, druge osobe ili vrijednosti koje su nam važne; strah je prirodna emocija koja upozorava na neku vrstu osjećaja ugroženosti, tuga nam šalje poruku o tome što nam je istinski važno, a nedostaje u našem životu; ljubomora govori o osjećaju sumnje u svoju vrijednost, što znači da je samo površinska emocija i da je treba istražiti... Svaka "kronična" negativna emocija na neki način ukazuje na neko ograničavajuće uvjerenje koje podrazumijeva odbacivanje dijela našeg istinskog bića i izvornih kvaliteta. Da bismo vratili naše izvorne kvalitete, najbrži i najosnovniji način je suočiti se s emocijom i istražiti Shvatite svaku emociju kao važnu oznaku na mapi s blagom. Čak i osobama koje su iznimno iskrene i predane radu na sebi, često je prilično teško suočiti se s neugodnom emocijom u njezinoj punoj dubini. Razlog je u tome što svaka nezdrava negativna emocija sadrži i dio negativnog odnosa prema sebi, čije osvještavanje je neugodno - ali mnogo manje neugodno nego što se dječji dijelovi nas (koji bi u new age terminologiji bili nazvani 'kontrolirajući ego') plaše. Blokirajući 'negativne' emocije blokiramo i pozitivne, odnosno one dijelove nas koji su morali biti odbačeni kako bismo prihvatili negativna uvjerenja. Vrlo malom djetetu koje je u potpunosti ovisno o drugima, suočiti se s nezrelošću i nedostatkom ljubavi okoline iznimno je zastrašujuće iskustvo koje se prihvaćanjem negativnih stavova i potiskivanjem iskrenih osjećaja nastoji ublažiti. Razlog zbog kojeg je te osjećaje često teško ne samo riješiti, nego ponekad čak i osvijestiti, jest što ti dječji djelovi nas ostaju dječji i kad smo odrasli, te se jednako kao i prije boje osvještavanja, ali i otpuštanja emocije. Kako razlikovati zdrave od nezdravih emocija? Zdrave su: Nezdrave emocije su: Čak i ako ste objektivno u pravu, takav oblik emocije označava da postoji neki dio vas koji je u strahu ili krivnji. Poseban problem je što su najčešće zdrave emocije kombinirane s onima nezdravima i krivnjom (što se često događa jer u ranoj dobi naučimo osjećati se krivi za izražavanje emocija). Dakle, često ćemo istovremeno osjećati zrelu i nezrelu ljutnju, strah, sram... odnosno istovremeno su aktivno zdravi i nezdravi dijelovi nas. No, uz nešto prakse promatranja osjećaja, možemo ih naučiti razlikovati čak i u takvim trenucima. Svima nam se ponekad događa da neki detalji u ponašanju drugih izazovu iznimno snažne emocije, toliko snažne da ćemo se lako uvjeriti da su i realne, čak i ako nam svi drugi, uključujući vlastiti razum, govore da je naša reakcija daleko pretjerana. To se najčešće događa u ljubavnim odnosima, budući da su oni ti koji bude najdublje emocije. Upravo u tim trenucima najteže je prestati razmišljati o ponašanju druge osobe, premjestiti fokus na svoje osjećaje i preuzeti za njih odgovornost - no upravo u tim trenucima to je najvažnije i donosi najviše dobrobiti. Fizička nelagoda je osnovni znak da nešto potiskujemo - svima poznati osjećaji stezanja, blagog grča, pa čak i boli ili pečenja. Primjerice, ako nas netko povrijedi ili napadne, u pravilu će se aktivirati nezreli dijelovi nas koji vjeruju da smo to zaslužili, čak i ako je najveći dio naše svijesti savršeno svjestan realnosti. Kako bi potisnuli te nelagodne osjećaje, gotovo uvijek se okrećemo uzvratnom napadu ili okrivljavanju druge osobe. Za to vrijeme, tjelesna nelagoda se nastavlja i pojačava, upozoravajući nas da nešto propuštamo. Zbog nekog razloga, kao što svi imamo prilike svakodnevno promatrati kod sebe i drugih, čini se da smo daleko spremniji nastaviti s ponašanjem koje ne donosi rezultate, nego odustati od toga i usmjeriti pažnju na vlastitu bol. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.