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Protecting one's own personal boundaries and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others' boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and is still very much present among adults, too. Some people feel their disrespect of others' needs and decisions as so normal they won't even notice when they do it - while others might not notice when it's done to them. Most people learn to disrespect their own or other people's needs in a very early age, depending of how their parents set their own boundaries, how they react to the child expressing his/her will, but also of how they treat each other. In adulthood, the most important boundaries are those one sets with a partner and children. Since a partner is usually acquired before children, if you set boundaries with him/her first, later it's easier to do it with children, too. A problem is that, usually, an adult person has much stronger and better solidified ideas about what is normal and acceptable - ideas which are not necessarily overly healthy. A bigger problem is that many people - especially those who are naturally (or were raised to be) more considerate, insecure and/or responsible - feel a need to please their partners, which often turns into ignoring one's own boundaries to accommodate the partner. Some people in time get used to denying more and more of their own desires, needs and values, which can end up in an abusive relationship, or at least in a relationship full of frustration and disappointment. Let's say Mike and Tiffany agreed on a date, but Tiffany is late. She's 15 minutes late, 20 minutes, half hour... and she doesn't call or respond to calls. Mike feels frustrated, but doesn't want to risk a potential romance before it even started, and decides to say nothing "this time". He hopes this is an isolated case and not a habit of Tiffany's. Perhaps Tiffany finally shows up with some weak excuse, or she only sends an apologetic message the following day. Mike is not happy with her behavior, but only grits his teeth and asks when they could meet again, because he likes Tiffany too much to "rock the boat" so soon. Or, say, Anthony introduces Danielle to his friends, and proceeds to share private details from Danielle's life with the group, or makes disparaging comments in her direction, probably presented as jokes. Danielle later complains about his behavior. Anthony will almost certainly say, "You are too sensitive, I was just joking!" Danielle thinks, "Maybe I'm truly overreacting? Maybe it's my problem if such things hurt me? When we are alone, he's not at all bad! Best not to risk the relationship over such a small thing!", and allows her needs to be silenced under the treat of being labeled as too sensitive. Regardless of whether Tiffany and Anthony were acting out of disrespect or they were simply raised to accept inconsiderate behavior as normal, once they experience there will be no consequences, next time it's even easier to repeat such behavior. They might even be more and more convinced that such behavior is acceptable, and might be surprised or offended if their partners object to it. On the other hand, Danielle and Mike might find it easier to ignore their own needs after they've already done it before. Thus an unpleasant surprise becomes a habit. Humans are adaptable creatures, so we can unconsciously, even against our own will, get used to unpleasant circumstances if we stay around long enough. After a while, we could be surprised when we look back and realize how many things we've learned to tolerate which we thought "we never would". If you think about all the variety of inconsiderate and irresponsible behavior you've gotten used in your own environment, perhaps you'd be surprised to realize how much of it is considered "normal", not only in personal, but also business relationships: manipulation, dishonesty, various power struggles, exploitation... People who do these things usually find mental justifications and excuses for them, usually because they've seen it justified or at least tolerated within their families and cultures. To set boundaries, you don't need some measurable, external confirmation you are "right". It's not so important, or sometimes even possible, to know who is wrong and who is right. What is important are compatibility and mutual consideration. To be able to set good boundaries, you need: 1) not to be afraid to risk a relationship /job/ whatever else 2) develop a sense of balance. Developing a sense of balance is not so difficult in theory, especially as this is partly an innate human instinct. It might be trickier if your family trained you to believe you don't have the right to express your needs and you'd be punished if you are angry or have demands. (Also you might have a problem with balance if your family taught you to believe that you are "special" and your needs are more important than others'.) Still, even then most people retain some instinct for balancing their own needs with those of other people. Take some time to consider a situation from more than one perspective and decide what makes the most sense. If you are generally responsible and lean toward self-questioning, it's more likely that you'd disturb the balance at your own expense than at somebody else's. Keeping that in mind, it's important to pay attention and give weight to your own needs as well as other people's. This might require facing and resolving your old childhood guilt, or fear of punishment or abandonment. We can help you with this. If you are used to emphasizing your own needs and dismissing others', and you want to change this (congratulations, you are a rarebreed!), you might need to confront your fear of losing power, losing control, and perhaps losing a sense of specialness compared to other people. Don't give up; such power, control and importance are only an illusion anyway, or at least are very fragile. Self-esteem, happiness and relaxation you can achieve in healthy, balanced relationships are much more real and lasting. You will also need to exercise seeing other people's perspectives and a conscious attitude of appreciation for other people's needs. Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Borba za osobne granice i ravnotežu s drugim ljudima svakodnevni je dio ljudskih života, često na mnoge suptilne načine, kako s nepoznatim ljudima, tako i s onima bliskima. Guranje i preispitivanje tuđih granica sastavni je dio odnosa djece prema roditeljima, ali itekako i odraslih osoba međusobno. Nekima je nepoštovanje tuđih potreba i odluka toliko normalno da neće niti primijetiti kad to rade - dok neka druga osoba možda neće primijetiti kad se to njoj radi. Većina ljudi uči o nepoštivanju svojih i/ili tuđih potreba u vrlo ranoj dobi, ovisno kako se roditelji postavljaju prema vlastitim granicama, prema djetetovom izražavanju svoje volje, ali i o međusobnom odnosu roditelja. U odrasloj dobi, najvažnije je naučiti postaviti granice s partnerima i djecom. Budući da partner u pravilu prethodi djeci, ako prvo to učinite s njim, onda je kasnije i s djecom lakše. Problem je što, za razliku od djece, odrasla osoba ima puno čvršće i dublje urezane ideje o tome što je normalno i prihvatljivo, a te ideje često baš i nisu najzdravije. Još veći problem je što mnogi ljudi - pogotovo oni koji su po prirodi (odgoju) uviđavniji, nesigurniji i/ili odgovorniji - u početku imaju potrebu ugađati partneru, što nerijetko prelazi u prilagođavanje partneru na račun vlastitih granica. Jednom kad se takav odnos uspostavi, kasnije ga je sve teže izmijeniti. Ne samo to, nego mnogi ljudi, da bi održali odnos, malo po malo prelaze preko sve više svojih granica, očekivanja i želja, što može završiti u odnosu zlostavljač-žrtva, ili, u blažoj varijanti, u odnosu punom razočaranja i frustracije. Recimo da Marin ima spoj s Tihanom, a Tihana kasni. Kasni petnaest minuta, dvadeset minuta, pola sata i ne javlja se. Marin je frustriran, ali ne želi riskirati potencijalnu romansu i odlučuje "ovaj put" prijeći preko svojih potreba i tolerirati Tihaninu neuviđavnost. Nada se da je to izolirana situacija i da se više neće ponoviti. Tihana se možda na kraju ipak pojavi s nekim slabašnim izgovorom, a možda tek drugi dan pošalje poruku i ispričava se. Marin možda misli da izgovor baš i nije nešto, ali stisne zube i pita kad bi se mogli opet naći, jer mu se Tihana previše sviđa da bi tako brzo odustao. Ili, recimo da Ante upozna Danijelu sa svojim prijateljima i tokom vremena provedenog u društvu dijeli sa svojim prijateljima detalje iz Danijelinog privatnog života, ili dobacuje Danijeli potcjenjivačke komentare umotane u prividni humor. Danijela se kasnije požali na njegovo ponašanje; Ante će u pravilu reći: "Preosjetljiva si, nije to tako strašno, samo sam se šalio!" Danijela misli: "Možda sam stvarno preosjetljiva? Možda je moj problem što me takve stvari pogađaju? Nema smisla riskirati odnos zbog sitnice. Barem kad smo sami nije tako loš!" i dozvoljava da se njezine potrebe ušutkaju pod prijetnjom etikete preosjetljivosti. Bez obzira je li Tihanino i Antino ponašanje svjesno nepoštovanje ili nesvjesno normaliziranje neuviđavnosti, jednom kad oni dožive da neće biti posljedica, svaki put im je sve lakše isto ponašanje ponoviti. Čak im svaki put može biti i sve čudnije da druga osoba ima potrebu prigovoriti i mogu biti sve uvjereniji da je njihovo ponašanje sasvim normalno. S druge strane, Danijeli odnosno Marinu svaki put je sve lakše prijeći preko vlastitih potreba kad su to jednom već napravili, jer to više nije iznenađenje i pomalo prelazi u naviku. Čovjek je prilagodljivo biće i često se nesvjesno, čak i protiv vlastite volje, možemo navići na neugodne uvjete ako dovoljno dugo ostanemo u njima. Nakon dužeg perioda vremena, možemo se iznenaditi kad pogledamo unatrag i shvatimo preko koliko smo stvari naučili prelaziti preko kojih smo mislili da "nikad ne bi". Ako razmislite o tome na kakve ste sve varijante neobzirnosti i neodgovornosti navikli u svojoj okolini, možda se i iznenadite koliko toga se doživljava kao normalno, ne samo u osobnim, nego i u poslovnim odnosima: manipulacija, neiskrenost, različiti oblici borbe za nadmoć, iskorištavanje... Ljudi koji to čine obično to na neki način sebi opravdaju, u pravilu zato što su to unutar vlastite obitelji i kulturnog okruženja vidjeli da se opravdava ili bar tolerira. Da biste znali postaviti granice, nije potrebno da imate neku izvanjsku, mjerljivu potvrdu da ste "u pravu". Nije bitno, a ponekad nije niti moguće, znati tko je u pravu, a tko je u krivu. Bitna je kompatibilnost i međusobno uvažavanje. Da bi naučili kvalitetno postaviti granice potrebno je: 1) ne bojati se riskirati odnos /posao/ što god drugo 2) razviti osjećaj za ravnotežu. Razviti osjećaj za ravnotežu u teoriji nije toliko teško, pogotovo zato jer nam je to više-manje svima djelomično i urođeni instinkt. Može vam biti nešto teže ako vam je obitelj utuvljivala u glavu da nemate pravo na svoje potrebe i da ćete biti kažnjeni ako izrazite ljutnju ili zahtjeve (ili možda ako vas je obitelj učila da su vaše potrebe važnije od tuđih). No čak i tada većina ljudi ipak ima neki osjećaj instinkta za usklađivanje svojih i tuđih potreba. Odvojite vrijeme da sagledate situaciju iz više perspektiva i zaključite što vam ima najviše smisla. Ako ste po prirodi odgovorni i skloni preispitivanju sebe, puno je vjerojatnije da ćete narušiti ravnotežu na svoju štetu nego na tuđu. S tim u vidu, dok uzimate u obzir tuđe potrebe, važno je obratiti pažnju i na vlastite, i dati im na značaju. Možda ćete trebati raditi na svojim dječjim osjećajima (krivnji, strahu od kazne ili napuštanja) da bi vam to bilo lakše. Ako ste navikli svoje potrebe naglasiti, a tuđe zanemariti, te želite to promijeniti (čestitamo, rijetka ste zvjerka!), trebat ćete se možda suočiti sa strahom od gubitka moći, gubitka kontrole, pa možda i gubitka osjećaja važnosti u odnosu na druge. Ne odustajte: ta moć, kontrola i važnost su ionako samo privid ili barem na krhkim nožicama. Samopoštovanje, sreća i opuštenost koje možete postići u kvalitetnom, uravnoteženom odnosu su puno stvarniji i trajniji. U svakom slučaju, trebat ćete vježbati uživljavanje u percepciju druge osobe i svjestan stav poštovanja prema potrebama druge osobe. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.