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There are three basic ways in which we create emotional patterns and beliefs that shape our relationships: personal experience with parents: whether parents treat us with love and healthy appreciation, or in a controlling, humiliating and aggressive way, it will be the behavior that will become natural and expected to us, and we'll probably start to associate it with love. As small children, we'll also create an impression that it is what we deserve. If a parent acts like a victim, needy or dependent (e.g. addictions), we might develop a deep urge to help him and thus deserve love. In that case, even as adults, we'll still be attracted to people who seem to need help and sympathy. A big part of our intimate relationships might be described as subliminal attempts to earn love in circumstances similar as when we needed it most – in early childhood. modelling and identifying with parents' behavior and way of life. Children learn through identifying with parents, taking over their gender roles, behavior, beliefs and prejudice. It all becomes particularly obvious in our intimate relationships. Relationship between parents. The way parents treat each other and communicate to each other, words and idioms they use, the way they share (or don't share) work and responsibilities... the younger we are, the more likely it is that we'll accept it as normal. In our own misunderstandings and conflicts with our partners, it's easy to automatically repeat our parents' behavior and so create an atmosphere similar as in our early family. We might be so convinced such behavior is normal, that we might not even try to question or analyze our behavior. A common example of complementary patterns is an emotionally closed, cold man and emotionally hungry, demanding woman. This is partly based on gender differences, but unhealthy family patterns are of crucial importance. Most commonly, such a closed man grew up with a pushy or needy mother, whether she was controlling him or playing victim. He developed coldness and withdrawal as a defense, often following a role model of an emotionally distant father. Sometimes both parents might be pushy, or the roles might be reversed. The female partner most commonly experienced growing up with a cold parent(s) who ignored her, often but not always father. Trying to get close to him and win his attention, she learned to use different approaches: trying to please him, crying, anger or complaints, sometimes manipulation and playing victim - whatever worked best or whatever she observed from her mother, for example. A withdrawn, distant partner will trigger father-related memories and emotions in such a woman: abandonment, neglect, feeling unworthy. She will then automatically try to use her childish reactions, first in a mild, then more intense way. Her partner's own memories are then instantly triggered: a feeling that his boundaries are threatened, that he's being used and manipulated and has nowhere to hide... except within. Add to that low quality communication by both partners, also learned in their families... and a vicious circle is started, that creates more and more stress, disappointment, anger and resentment. In the same time, such partners hope that the other will change, and feel childish feelings of being trapped, as well as fear of abandoning all hope for love if the relationship is ended. Unfortunately, most couples start looking for help only after their mutual trust is deeply damaged and motivation almost exhausted. Then even tiny details in the partner's behavior remind the other partner of all the past frustration and resentment. To start again, to practice noticing and correcting unhealthy emotions and communication together, might be extremely difficult if partners don't have patience left to allow each other to occasionally repeat old mistakes, while learning to communicate in new, unfamiliar ways. Some other examples of bonding based on childish emotions: Everybody who ever fell in love, had a chance to experience to what extent the emotions from childhood are deep and overwhelming, to what extent they evade all rational arguments and decisions. If you are in such a relationship now, you have a perfect chance to recognize how you felt as a child and what do you still carry within. A chance, also, to change those feelings, primarily through healing your inner child, exercising self-love and learning quality communication. Under condition that you're not abused, it might be better not to force yourself to end the relationship by rational decision only. If you end the relationship without resolving your emotional patterns first, it's highly likely that you will repeat similar patterns in your future relationships. Instead, focus on working with your emotions and inner child, until you feel the attraction to the unhealthy partnership diminishing, so that you can end the relationship without strong emotions and inner conflict. Or perhaps you will notice that, the more healthy and mature your behavior becomes, the more your partner will change in a similar way. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Tri su osnovna načina na koja se stvaraju emocionalni obrasci i uvjerenja na temelju kojih oblikujemo svoje kasnije odnose: Čest primjer komplementarnih obrazaca je zatvoren, hladan muškarac i emocionalno zahtjevna žena. Tu do izražaja dolaze i spolne razlike, no nezdravi obrasci igraju odlučujuću ulogu. Najčešće, zatvoren muškarac odrastao je s nametljivom majkom, bilo da je ona igrala ulogu žrtve ili kontrolirajuće osobe, te se naučio braniti zatvaranjem. Često je pritom slijedio model emocionalno udaljenog oca, mada ponekad oba roditelja mogu vršiti emocionalni pritisak, ili uloge mogu biti zamijenjene. Kod njegove partnerice u pravilu ćemo otkriti iskustvo s hladnim roditeljem koji ju je ignorirao, najčešće ocem, no moguće su različite varijante. Kao pokušaj da mu se približi i dobije njegovu pažnju, ona je naučila aktivno pokušavati na različite načine: ugađanjem, plačem, ljutnjom ili prigovorima, a ponekad i manipulativnim pristupima kao što je igra žrtve. Zatvoreno, povučeno ponašanje partnera kod takve će žene automatski pokrenuti sjećanja i emocije vezane za oca: odbačenost, zanemarenost, prezrenost. Ona će tada pribjeći svojim dječjim emocionalnim reakcijama, prvo na blaži, zatim sve intenzivniji način. Za muškarca, to istog trenutka pokreće sjećanje na njegova iskustva: osjećaj da se njegove granice ne poštuju, da ga se emocionalno iskorištava i da se nema gdje sakriti. Tome se pridružuje nekvalitetna komunikacija oba partnera, naučena u obitelji i ranoj okolini... i pokreće se začarani krug koji stvara sve više stresa, sve više razočaranja, ljutnje i nezadovoljstva, a istovremeno i dječje nade da će se druga osoba promijeniti i dječjeg osjećaja zarobljenosti i vezanosti, straha da ćemo se lišiti nade u sreću ako napustimo odnos. Nažalost, većina parova kreće na savjetovanje tek kad je povjerenje duboko narušeno i motivacija za daljnjim trudom više ili manje iscrpljena. Tada najsitniji detalji ponašanja partnera osobu podsjećaju na sve što se prije toga dogodilo i pokreću zamjeranje iz prošlosti. Krenuti od početka, zajednički vježbati primjećivanje i ispravljanje nekvalitetne komunikacije i dječjih osjećaja, iznimno je teško jer najčešće partneri nisu spremni prihvatiti da će druga osoba i dalje bar neko vrijeme ponavljati stare pogreške dok se ne navikne na nove načine komunikacije. Još neki primjeri vezivanja na osnovi dječjih emocija: Svatko tko je iskusio zaljubljenost, imao je prilike iskusiti do koje su mjere emocije iz djetinjstva duboke, preplavljujuće, i do koje mjere izmiču svim racionalnim argumentima i voljnim odlukama. Ako ste u takvim odnosima, imate savršenu priliku prepoznati što nosite u sebi od djetinjstva i raditi na promjeni toga, u prvom redu kroz ljubav prema sebi i rad s unutarnjim djetetom, te na razvoju kvalitetne komunikacije. Pod uvjetom da se ne radi u odnosu u kojem ste zlostavljani, možda je i bolje da ne prekidate odnos na silu i racionalno, jer je vrlo velika vjerojatnost da ćete slične okolnosti ponavljati i u budućim odnosima. Radije se usmjerite na rad na svojim emocijama i iscjeljivanju unutarnjeg djeteta sve dok se privlačnost spontano ne smanji kao rezultat vašeg napretka, te možete završiti odnos bez snažnih emocija. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.