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“Intuition is always right in at least two important ways: It is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart. Our interpretation of intuition is not always right.” Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear This time I want to present a book that I liked very much because it fits so well with my experience and my values. It's called "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. The author is a specialist in security issues and in his experience, many people could prevent becoming victims of a crime if they listened to their inner warning signals – to their fear – on time. Many people, however, do not, because they don't want to appear socially awkward – they are worried of being seen as impolite, unreasonable or overly emotional in case their fear proved to be unfounded. There is an inner struggle between our social and our individualistic instincts all the time. Some of the time, our instincts are not appropriate or constructive within our complex society. Some of the time, however, they can make a real difference in your life. The wisdom is in recognizing which ones to follow. That is a skill that comes with experience. An example that de Becker gives is of a man who entered a shop only to immediately feel uncomfortable and threatened without any visible reason. He chose to listen to his fear and leave – and later found out that the sole customer he saw when entering was just about to commit armed robbery in which one person was killed. When asked what could have made him feel that way, the man initially couldn't give an answer. After some pondering, however, he remembered some details that he didn't notice consciously, but his unconscious mind apparently did. He said that the "customer" had a heavy jacket on that was inappropriate for the warm weather. Also, the clerk appeared tense – he barely glanced at the incoming man and quickly returned his attention to the man in the jacket. There was a van with a running motor and two men inside in front of the store. There were probably other details, too subtle for a conscious mind to notice – but not the subconscious. De Becker writes: "Predicting the routine behavior of adults in the same culture is so simple that we rarely even bother to do it consciously. We react only to the unusual, which is a signal that there might be something worth predicting. We intuitively evaluate people all the time, quite attentively, but they only get our conscious intention when there is a reason. We see it all, but we edit out most of it. Thus, when something does call out to us, we ought to pay attention." I can testify with my own experience how important it is to recognize the value of fear. I generally trust my intuition and it had served me well countless times, but in context of fear there is one memory that stands out in my mind. Around my 27th birthday, I was on Big Island, Hawaii, where I agreed with a local guesthouse owner to be her "helping guest" for two months (to do some manual work for her in exchange for a room and food). I left after two weeks because I was treated as an unpaid servant rather than a "helping guest", and ended up spending a month and a half in a tent on a beach – but that's another story. What I want to talk about happened around day 11-12 of my visit to Hawaii, when I went to a beach on a late afternoon. I didn't have a vehicle, so I had to walk 40-45 mins from the guesthouse to the nearest beach on a fairly empty road. By that time, I was quite relaxed as I experienced most people in Hawaii as generally friendly so walking there by myself wasn't a problem. That evening, I stayed on the beach longer than usual to take some photos of a quite spectacular sunset. I expected that I had just about 40-45 mins after sunset to return to the guesthouse before dark – but my calculation didn't include the fact that Hawaii are much closer to the equator than my home and it gets dark much faster after sunset than I was used to. So after 20 or so minutes of walking back I found myself in darkness. I had just arrived to a long, very straight and lonely 3 km stretch of the road. this very sunset I wasn't overly worried, but there was a little nagging voice in my stomach urging me to at least cross to the left side of the road, so that a potential attacker coming from behind me on the right lane would have less chance to surprise me. That was the first fear-based decision that might have saved my life that evening. Healthy fear will not paralyze you (except when being paralyzed is beneficial for your survival); healthy fear is action-oriented and motivating. "What many dismiss as a coincidence or a gut feeling is in fact a cognitive process, faster than we recognize and far different from the familiar step by step thinking we rely on so willingly. Nature's greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk. Then, intuition is catapulted to another level entirely, a height that can accurately be called graceful, even miraculous. " (from "The Gift of Fear") I crossed the road, continued to walk for some more time and I was already getting close to the first curve after 3 km of straight road, when I heard a lone car behind me. When it came close, it slowed down, crossed to my side of the road (if I had stayed on the right side, the guy's job would have been much easier) and expertly stopped only centimeters away from me, almost knocking me down. The words "Who are you?" were hissed through somebody's teeth. I saw a huge man who radiated something I never felt before from a human being – absolute, cold hatred and aggression with no space for anything else. In hindsight, I guess it was my first (and hopefully last) encounter with a gang member, who perhaps came to Hawaii for a vacation and decided to use an easy chance. He reached through his window and grabbed my sleeve together with my backpack strap and some flesh. He pulled strongly towards himself. I put my palms against his car – there was nothing else to hold on to - and resisted. Surprisingly, I managed to hold on. We struggled like that for 10 or so incredibly long seconds. Finally, he apparently decided that it was not a good idea to stay on the wrong side of the road so close to a curve. He suddenly let go of me – I fell painfully backwards – quickly drove on and disappeared behind the curve. I picked myself up and continued as fast as I could. There was not much else I could have done – all the land on the sides of the road was heavily fenced with barbed wire and every path was blocked with big gates. A few more cars came from behind me. I felt jumpy and considered hiding, but there was nowhere to hide. Nothing happened, though, so I started to relax a little. Then I heard a car coming from the front – soon to appear from the curve. My fear suddenly peaked. It urged me to at least lay in a shallow ditch on the side of the road if nothing else. Exactly as "The Gift of Fear" warns against, my conscious mind jumped in and started to argue and downplay the situation. "I'm just exaggerating... Not everybody around here is a criminal... Probably nothing would happen... It would be ridiculous if I jumped in the ditch whenever a car came by..." "No animal in the wild, suddenly overcome with fear, would spend any of its mental energy thinking, "It's probably nothing." We, in contrast to every other creature in nature, choose not to explore – and even to ignore – conscious signals. Every day people engaged in clever defiance of their own intuition become, in mid-thought, victims of violence and accidents. So when we wonder why we are victims so often, the answer is clear: It is because we are so good at it." (from "The Gift of Fear") Luckily, my subconscious then apparently came to the decision that my rational mind was hopelessly stupid and shouldn't be allowed to vote. The second before the car appeared out of the curve, my body simply took over and I found myself in the ditch, half-hidden behind a small (and thorny, and full of spiders) bush. The car came close, slowed down and came to stop sideways from me – only a couple of meters away. It was the same car. I expected the worst. Several heartbeats sounded loudly in my ears – and then, blissfully, the car moved, turned around and soon disappeared behind the curve again. A few days later, I realized that there was a small layby at that spot – a convenient place for the gangster to stop and look down the road. His front lights allowed him to see down the road, including most of the ditch in front of him – but made him unable to see through the darkness on his side. I'm deeply grateful for that moment of commanding fear. That single second might have made a difference between my life and death, or at least severe trauma. Was it a lucky guess? Did my subconscious mind register something in his non-verbal behavior that indicated his intentions? Or calculated the time he would need to find a place to turn around and come back? Whichever, it had proven itself reliable. I still shiver sometimes to think how close I came to ignoring it. I'm not suggesting ignoring conscious logic – that would be unbalanced and I don't believe in extremes and oversimplifying of any kind. Yet too many people consider emotions to be a weakness or a hindrance, rather than an important font of information. Of course, the problem with emotions is that many people don't distinguish between healthy and immature emotions, but that can be changed with a bit of effort. (Check this article for more info.) There is nothing weak with emotions, the only weakness can be in how we use them and deal with them. De Becker emphasizes the difference between anxiety/worry and healthy fear. Anxiety and worry are not related to specific present circumstances, but a "protection against future disappointment”. In fact, anxiety and worry can distract us from noticing healthy, realistic fear when it occurs. Therefore, there is no need to be constantly alert and searching for possible danger. Your unconscious mind can do it much better than your conscious self – if you give it space. You only need to pay attention to spontaneous, unexpected moments of fear – and act upon them. If you trust your instincts, paying attention to your fear can actually make you feel safer and more confident. On the next page, I'll summarize some of the warning signals from "The Gift of Fear", which indicate that a suspicious person is probably trying to manipulate you. (Click here for part 2.) "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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"Intuicija je uvijek u pravu na barem dva bitna načina: Uvijek je reakcija na nešto, Uvijek ima vaše najbolje interese na srcu. (...) Naša interpretacija intuicije neće uvijek biti ispravna." Gavin de Becker, "The Gift of Fear" Ovaj put želim predstaviti jednu knjigu koja mi se jako svidjela jer se odlično slaže s mojim iskustvom i mojim vrijednostima. Zove se "Dar straha" ("The Gift of Fear") autora Gavina de Beckera i netko bi je definitivno trebao prevesti na hrvatski. Autor je specijalist za sigurnosne probleme i, prema njegovom iskustvu, mnogi ljudi mogli bi izbjeći da postanu žrtvama kriminala ako bi slušali svoje unutarnje signale za opasnost - svoj strah - na vrijeme. Međutim, mnogi ljudi to ne čine jer ne žele ispasti čudni pred drugima - boje se da bi ih se doživjelo kao nekulturne, neljubazne ili previše emocionalne u slučaju da se njihov strah pokaže kao neosnovan. Među našim socijalnim i individualističkim instinktima vodi se stalna borba. Neki od naših instinkata često nisu prikladni i konstruktivni u kontekstu našeg složenog društva. Ponekad, međutim, oni mogu biti od presudne važnosti. Mudrost je u prepoznavanju onih koje je vrijedno poslušati. To je vještina koja dolazi s iskustvom. De Becker navodi primjer čovjeka koji je ušao u trgovinu da bi istog trenutka osjetio nelagodu i strah bez očitog razloga. On je odlučio poslušati svoj strah i otići - da bi kasnije saznao da je usamljeni kupac kojeg je pri ulasku vidio u trgovini ubrzo zatim počinio oružanu pljačku u kojoj je jedna osoba ubijena. Kad ga je autor knjige upitao što ga je moglo navesti da se tako osjeća, taj čovjek u početku nije mogao dati odgovor. Nakon nešto razmišljanja, ipak se sjetio nekih detalja koje tada nije svjesno primijetio, ali njegova podsvijest očito jest. Rekao je da je "kupac" imao na sebi tešku jaknu koja je bila neprikladna za vruće vrijeme (ali dobra za skrivanje oružja). Također, prodavač je djelovao napeto - jedva je zirnuo prema ulaznim vratima i odmah vratio pogled na čovjeka u jakni. Ispred trgovine čekao je kombi s dva čovjeka i upaljenim motorom. Bilo je vjerojatno i drugih detalja, previše sitnih da bi ih svjesni um primijetio - ali ne i za nesvjesni. De Becker piše: "Predviđanje rutinskog ponašanja odraslih ljudi iz iste kulture toliko je jednostavno da se rijetko i trudimo da to svjesno radimo. Reagiramo samo na ono neuobičajeno, koje je signal da se možda radi o nečem vrijednom predviđanja. Mi intuitivno procjenjujemo ljude cijelo vrijeme, vrlo pažljivo, ali oni našu svjesnu pažnju privuku samo onda kad za to postoji razlog. Vidimo sve, ali većinu podataka zanemarimo. Zbog toga, ako nam nešto privuče pažnju, trebali bi to uzeti u obzir." Doživjela sam i na vlastitom iskustvu koliko je važno obratiti pažnju na (zdravi) strah. Općenito, vjerujem svojoj intuiciji jer me dobro poslužila bezbroj puta, ali u kontekstu straha jedno se sjećanje izdvaja u mom umu. Oko mog 27. rođendana, bila sam na Havajskom Velikom otoku, gdje sam se prethodno dogovorila sa vlasnicom jednog mini-hotela da budem njezin "gost-pomagač" na dva mjeseca, odnosno da radim nešto fizičkih poslova za nju u zamjenu za sobu i hranu. Otišla sam odande nakon dva tjedna jer me ona uskoro počela tretirati više kao besplatnu radnu snagu nego kao "gosta pomagača", te sam sljedećih mjesec i pol provela u šatoru na plaži - ali to je druga priča. Ono što želim ispričati dogodilo se 11-12 dana nakon što sam stigla na Havaje, kad sam jedno kasno popodne otišla na plažu. Nisam imala prijevoz, pa sam do plaže morala hodati nekih 40-45 minuta po prilično praznoj cesti. Do tada, već sam bila zaključila da je većina ljudi na Havajima vrlo prijateljski raspoložena, pa to nije bio naročiti problem. Te večeri ostala sam na plaži duže nego obično da bih uslikala spektakularni zalazak sunca. Očekivala sam da, nakon što sunce zađe, imam taman 40-45 minuta da se vratim u mini-hotel, ali nisam računala s činjenicom da, toliko blizu ekvatoru, mrak pada puno brže nakon zalaska sunca nego kod nas. Tako sam se na povratku, nakon oko 20 minuta hoda, našla u mraku. Upravo sam bila stigla na jednu dugačku (oko 3 km) i vrlo ravnu dionicu ceste. ovaj zalazak sunca Nisam bila pretjerano zabrinuta, ali se ipak javio neki uporni glas "u trbuhu" koji mi je savjetovao da barem prijeđem na lijevu stranu ceste, tako da ako bi potencijalni napadač došao odostraga, trebao bi prijeći na krivu stranu ceste da dođe do mene, pa bi me teže mogao iznenaditi. To je bila prva odluka temeljena na strahu koja mi je vjerojatno spasila život te večeri. Zdravi strah vas neće paralizirati (osim u onim slučajevima kad je to poželjno za vaše preživljavanje). Zdravi strah motivira i usmjeren je na akciju. "Ono što mnogi zanemaruju kao slučajnost ili "osjećaj u trbuhu", zapravo je kognitivni proces, brži nego što možemo pratiti i znatno različit od uobičajenog "korak po korak" procesa razmišljanja na koji se tako rado oslanjamo. Ljudski mozak, najveće postignuće prirode, nikad nije toliko učinkovit i fokusiran kao u trenucima kad je njegov domaćin u opasnosti. Tada intuicija skoči na sasvim novu razinu, na razinu koja se s pravom može nazvati elegantnom, čak i čudesnom." (iz knjige "The Gift of Fear") Prešla sam na lijevu stranu ceste i nastavila hodati te sam nakon nekog vremena već bila prilično blizu prvom zavoju nakon 3 km ravne ceste. Tada sam začula auto iza sebe. Kad se približio, usporio je, prešao na moju stranu (da sam ostala na desnoj strani, napadač bi imao puno lakši posao) i vješto zakočio tek par centimetara od mene, gotovo me srušivši. Riječi "Tko si ti?" prosiktane su kroz nečije zube. Ugledala sam golemog čovjeka koji je zračio nečim što nikad prije nisam doživjela od ljudskog bića - apsolutnom, hladnom agresijom i mržnjom bez prostora za išta drugo. Pretpostavljam da je to bio moj prvi (i, nadajmo se, zadnji) susret sa članom kriminalne bande, koji je možda došao na Havaje na odmor i odlučio iskoristiti laku priliku. On je pružio ruku kroz prozor i dograbio naramenicu mog ruksaka zajedno s rukavom i nešto kože. Povukao je snažno prema sebi. Oslonila sam dlanove o njegov auto - nisam se imala za što drugo uhvatiti - i oduprla se. Začudo, uspjela sam. Borili smo se tako desetak nevjerojatno dugih sekundi. Napokon, on je izgleda zaključio da nije dobra ideja stajati na krivoj strani ceste u blizini zavoja. Iznenada me ispustio - pala sam na cestu - odjurio dalje i uskoro nestao iza zavoja. Podigla sam se i nastavila dalje što sam brže mogla. Nije bilo nekog drugog izbora - sva zemlja sa strane ceste bila je ograđena gustom bodljikavom žicom, a svaka staza bila je zapriječena visokim vratima. Još nekoliko auta došlo je iza mene. Razmišljala sam da li da se sakrijem, ali nisam imala kamo. Ipak, ništa se nije dogodilo, pa sam se počela pomalo opuštati. Tada sam začula auto sa prednje strane - uskoro se trebao pojaviti iza zavoja. Moj strah je iznenada dosegao vrhunac. Govorio mi je da barem legnem u plitki jarak sa strane ceste, ako ništa drugo. Upravo kako knjiga "The Gift of Fear" upozorava, moj svjesni um je uskočio i počeo ublažavati situaciju. "Pretjerujem... Nije baš svatko na ovoj cesti kriminalac... Sigurno se ništa neće dogoditi... Kad bih stigla do hotela ako bih skakala u jarak kad god čujem auto..." "Nema životinje u divljini koja, kad je odjednom obuzme strah, troši imalo svoje mentalne energije da misli "Vjerojatno to nije ništa." Mi, suprotno svakom drugom stvorenju u prirodi, odabiremo ne istražiti - čak i ignorirati - takve signale. Svakoga dana, ljudi koji su zaposleni vještim prkošenjem vlastitoj intuiciji, u pola misli postaju žrtve nasilja ili nesretnog slučaja. Pa kad se pitamo zašto smo tako često žrtve, odgovor je jasan: zato jer smo tako dobri u tome." (iz knjige "The Gift of Fear") Na sreću, moja je podsvijest tada zaključila da je moj racionalni um beznadno glup i ne zaslužuje pravo glasa. Trenutak prije nego što će se auto pojaviti iza zavoja, moje tijelo je jednostavno preuzelo kontrolu i našla sam se u jarku, napola skrivena iza malog grma (punog trnja i paučine). Auto se približio, usporio i stao meni sa strane - samo par metara dalje. Bio je to isti auto. Očekivala sam najgore. Nekoliko otkucaja srca odzvonilo mi je u ušima - a zatim, olakšanje: auto se ponovno pokrenuo, napravio polukrug i uskoro opet nestao iza zavoja. Nekoliko dana kasnije, primijetila sam da je na tom mjestu bilo malo ugibalište - prikladno mjesto za gangstera da stane i pogleda niz cestu. Njegova prednja svjetla omogućila su mu da vidi niz cestu pred sobom, uključujući i jarak uz cestu - ali su ga zaslijepila za mračni prostor sa strane. Još uvijek sam duboko zahvalna za taj trenutak zapovjedničkog straha. Ta jedna sekunda vjerojatno je značila razliku između moga života i smrti, ili barem teške traume. Je li to bila sretna slučajnost? Je li moj podsvjesni um registrirao nešto u neverbalnom govoru napadača što je ukazivalo na njegove namjere (čak i ako sam u tom trenutku bila previše zaposlena odgurivanjem o njegov auto da bih ga direktno gledala)? Ili je izračunao vrijeme koje bi mu otprilike bilo potrebno da nađe mjesto da se okrene i vrati natrag? Što god bilo, moja intuicija se (još jednom) pokazala pouzdanom. Još uvijek se ponekad stresem kad pomislim koliko je malo nedostajalo da je zanemarim. Ne savjetujem ovime da ignorirate svjesnu logiku - to bi bilo neuravnoteženo, a ja ne vjerujem u bilo kakve ekstreme i pojednostavljivanje. S druge strane, previše ljudi doživljava emocije kao slabost ili zapreku, radije nego kao bitan izvor informacija. Naravno, problem je što mnogi ljudi ne znaju razlikovati između zdravih i nezrelih emocija, ali to se može promijeniti uz nešto truda. (Provjerite ovaj članak za više o tome.) Nema ničeg slabog u emocijama, jedina slabost može biti u tome kako ih koristimo i kako se nosimo s njima. De Becker naglašava razliku između brige / tjeskobe i zdravog straha. Briga i tjeskoba ne odnose se na konkretne sadašnje okolnosti nego su, prema njemu, "zaštita od mogućeg budućeg razočaranja". Štoviše, briga i tjeskoba mogu nam odvratiti pažnju od zdravog, realističnog straha onda kad se on javi. Prema tome, nije potrebno da budete stalno na oprezu i tragate za mogućom opasnošću. Vaš podsvjesni um može to činiti puno bolje nego svjesni - ako mu date prostora. Jedino trebate voditi računa o spontanim, neočekivanim trenucima straha - i slijediti ih. Ako vjerujete svojim instinktima, obraćanjem pažnje na strah možete zapravo postići da se osjećate sigurnije i imate više samopouzdanja, jer imate povjerenja da možete prepoznati opasnost na vrijeme. Na slijedećoj stranici, ukratko ću navesti neke od znakova upozorenja iz knjige "The Gift of Fear", koji mogu značiti da vas sumnjiva osoba vjerojatno pokušava izmanipulirati. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.