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Did you ever keep quiet out of fear rather than stand up for yourself? Do you avoid trying something new in front of others out of fear to look foolish? Do you even avoid expressing love to your family because you fear emotional "weakness"? Avoiding potential emotional pain can make people shallow in the sense of avoiding experience, especially if new or somewhat risky. Every time we avoid new experience, we miss the possibility of learning and acquiring wisdom, as well as a sense of fulfillment in life. If we are not willing to deal with pain, we'll seek instant solutions for our problems, whether emotional or problems in relationships. We can trust manipulative promises which offer results without effort, and so spend a lot of money in vain. We may refuse to learn, face challenges and grow step by step. Such magical "solutions" are not like taking aspirin to control short term headache. They are much more like taking pain killers to avoid toothache; the more we postpone the pain, the worse the problem becomes. On a more subtle level, some people might even avoid feeling compassion for others, as compassion is sometimes painful. This can lead to hypocrisy, victim blaming and selfishness. Unwillingness to face potential pain can lead us to try to control our lives way too much, or even to try to control other people and the world. We might be intolerant to other people's and our own mistakes. We might try to manipulate others so that we don't have to express ourselves clearly. Trying to avoid pain can, ironically, cause much more pain for both ourselves and others (for example when people abandon or hurt others out of fear of being hurt or abandoned themselves. Avoidance of pain has no single cause. Perhaps as a child you experienced so much emotional pain you couldn't deal with, that you learned to block and suppress your emotions. Some parts of you might not be aware that you are not a child anymore, and such emotions cannot overwhelm you not nearly so easily as they could when you were small. Perhaps your family taught you by example to try to avoid pain, either through pretending that everything was OK when it wasn't, or through overprotectiveness and preventing you from facing challenges. If children feel that their parents are afraid of facing emotional pain, such pain gains much more power in their minds than it has in reality. In patriarchal countries, families and characters, emotions are generally considered a weakness, especially painful emotions. Perhaps in your family out of unpleasant emotions only anger was allowed, while anything else might have caused others to humiliate you - even some pleasant emotions. Ironic that what is essentially fearful behavior is presumed to be strength. Perhaps you are afraid of making mistakes and of punishment you expect would follow. An imaginary punishment might seem worse than the pain you are familiar with. Some people avoid even a change to the better, even if the price of staying the same is high (such as unhealthy relationships, arguments, anger...). Subconsciously, such a person might associate change with making mistakes - and might perceive mistakes as unforgivable and irreparable. The deep belief is: "I am a bad person if I make mistakes!" Such beliefs are learned in childhood and carried in a deep subconscious level of our brains. They can be obviously unrealistic; they can cause obvious suffering to us and people around us. Yet if we were strongly conditioned to avoid mistakes, it can feel like a posthypnotic suggestion; we don't really know why, but we can feel powerless to change our behavior. In some way, this is a posthypnotic suggestion; childhood is a stage of receptiveness and emotional openness, without rational filters which would prevent such ideas to sink into one's subconscious. Sometimes, pain can be more motivating than anything else in life. It can help us understand other people much better. It can help us recognize what is truly important in life. Sadness can motivate us to seek what is missing in our lives. Even shame and guilt, unpleasant as they are, mean that we have learned something and can do better next time. Growth is almost impossible without some pain. Once you allow yourself to feel that pain, you'll probably discover it's much more tolerable than you thought it was. If you can be supportive of yourself while facing pain, you will build a relationship with yourself which can carry you through all kinds of challenges and should give you courage to face (reasonable) risks. If you are willing to deal with emotionally risky situations, you can open yourself up to experiences that make life worth living. You can end up feeling "on the top of the world" rather than hiding in a cave. Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Jeste li skloni šutnji onda kada bi se trebali zauzeti za sebe? Izbjegavate li iskušati nešto novo iz straha da ćete izgledati glupo pred drugima? Možda čak izbjegavate izraziti ljubav svojoj obitelji iz straha od emocionalne "slabosti"? Izbjegavanje suočavanja s boli može ljude učiniti plitkima. Tada možemo izbjegavati iskustva, pogotovo ako su nam nova ili pomalo riskantna. Sa svakim iskustvom koje izbjegnemo, smanjujemo mogućnost učenja i stjecanja mudrosti, kao i osjećaj punine života. Ako se ne želimo suočiti s boli, tražit ćemo instant rješenja za naše emocionalne probleme i probleme u odnosima. Možemo vjerovati manipulativnim obećanjima koja nude magične rezultate bez truda, i tako uzalud trošiti goleme količine novca, vremena i energije. Nećemo biti voljni učiti, suočavati se s izazovima i rasti korak po korak. Takva "magična" rješenja nisu poput uzimanja aspirina zbog kratkotrajne glavobolje. Ona su mnogo više nalik na uzimanje analgetika da bi se izbjegla zubobolja: što više ignoriramo bol, to problem postaje gori. Neki ljudi mogu čak izbjegavati i suosjećanje s drugima, jer suosjećanje je ponekad bolno. To može voditi licemjerju, okrivljavanju žrtve i sebičnosti. Nespremnost da se suočimo s boli može nas navesti da pokušavamo pretjerano kontrolirati svoje živote, pa i vanjske okolnosti ili druge ljude. Možda ćemo biti netolerantni prema vlastitim i tuđim "greškama". Možda ćemo pokušavati manipulirati drugim ljudima kako bi izbjegli jasno izražavanje. Ironično, nastojanje da se izbjegne bol može izazvati puno više boli i za druge i za nas same (kao na primjer ljudi koji napuštaju ili povređuju druge kako bi izbjegli sami biti napušteni ili povrijeđeni). Izbjegavanje boli može imati različite uzroke. Možda ste u djetinjstvu iskusili toliko boli da ste blokirali vlastite emocije jer se u to vrijeme niste mogli nositi s njima. Dijelovi vas mogu biti nesvjesni činjenice da niste više dijete i da vas takve emocije teško mogu preplaviti kao što bi mogle da ste malo dijete. Možda vam je vaša obitelj davala primjer izbjegavanja boli, bilo kroz pretvaranje da je sve u redu kad nije bilo, ili kroz prezaštićivanje i odgovaranje od suočavanja s izazovima. Ako djeca primijete da se roditelji boje suočavanja s emocionalnom boli, ta bol postaje mnogo moćnija u njihovoj mašti nego što je u stvarnosti. U patrijarhalnim zemljama, obiteljima i karakterima, emocije se općenito smatraju slabošću, a pogotovo one bolne. Možda imate osjećaj da je samo ljutnja dozvoljena od neugodnih emocija, a sve ostale bi mogle značiti poniženje - čak i neke od ugodnih emocija. Ironično da se na taj način u biti strah smatra snagom. Možda se bojite pogrešaka i kazne. Zamišljena kazna može se činiti gora nego bol koju već poznajete. Neki ljudi mogu izbjegavati čak i promjenu na bolje, čak i ako plaćaju visoku cijenu za takvo ponašanje (npr. kroz toksične odnose, svađe, ljutnju...). Podsvjesno, takva osoba može osjećati da, ako pokuša nešto novo, može se dogoditi da pogriješi - a greške su u njezinom umu neoprostive i stvaraju osjećaj "Ja sam loša osoba!" Takva uvjerenja se uče u djetinjstvu i nose na dubokoj, instinktivnoj razini. Mogu biti očito nerealistična; mogu uzrokovati očitu patnju nama i ljudima oko nas. No ako smo uvjetovani da izbjegavamo greške, to se može doimati kao posthipnotička sugestija: ne znamo zašto to činimo, ali možemo se osjećati nemoćni da se opremo takvim porivima. Na neki način, to i jesu posthipnotičke sugestije; dječja dob je stanje prijemljivosti i emocionalne otvorenosti, u kojoj još nema racionalnih filtera koji bi spriječili da se naučene ideje pohrane u podsvijest. S druge strane, bol nas ponekad može motivirati više nego išta drugo. Može nam pomoći da bolje razumijemo druge ljude. Može nam pomoći da shvatimo što nam je uistinu važno. Tuga nas može motivirati da potražimo ono što nam nedostaje u životu. Čak i krivnja ili sram znače da ste naučili lekciju i da ćete drugi put znati bolje. Napredak je gotovo nemoguć bez nešto boli. Kad si dozvolite da osjetite bol, vjerojatno ćete otkriti da je ona mnogo podnošljivija nego što ste mislili da jest. Ako možete podržati sami sebe dok prolazite kroz bol, gradite odnos sa sobom koji vas može pronijeti kroz mnoge izazove i može vam dati hrabrost da se suočite s rizicima. Ako ste voljni preuzeti emocionalne rizike, možete se otvoriti iskustvima koja mogu vaš život učiniti vrijednim življenja. Možete završiti "na vrhu svijeta" umjesto skrivajući se u spilji. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.