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I have written before of psychological background of disease, and sexual issues are often obvious examples of psychosomatic symptoms. If you have done your medical tests and the results didn't show any physical issues that would cause a problem, it is time to focus on the less visible potential causes. Of course, our psychology is complex, so the possible causes of sexual dysfunction are usually not simple and cannot be easily categorized. Yet we can recognize the following important aspects: Stress often has a more obvious influence on sexual desire of women rather than men. It is not uncommon for men to use sex as a stress relief strategy, so sometimes stress can even increase their libido. This is not so common amongst women. Women more often need to be emotionally motivated for sex, which includes a relaxed state of mind, lack of immediate concerns and a pleasant environment. If stress is acute and temporary, perhaps the lack of libido is situational only. The real problem is long-term, "background" tension that continuously saps one's energy. This can be a symptom of external worries, such as problems at work, upbringing of children or lack of cooperation and trust within an intimate partnership. However, often such chronic stress can be a consequence of childhood experiences that still have unconscious influence: anxiety, guilt, self-criticism and similar. Some people can be so used to this kind of stress that most of the time they are barely even aware of it. If background stress is a normal part of your life, you might be confused about your lack of libido and perhaps feel guilty about it. A superficial, selfish partner can add to your stress by criticizing, blaming and debasing you for your lack of sexual interest. In this case, your libido might be wiser than you. Do you really want to risk having children with such a person? If you are a man, and your female partner's libido is chronically low, consider if your relationship is balanced in terms of sharing work and responsibilities. "Dish washing is the best foreplay" is true anywhere and anytime, but especially if a woman is overburdened with all kinds of obligations. Do you really invest effort into your daily life together, or do you expect her to take care of details and find excuses to be lazy? Best to ask her. (This is all, of course, appliable to women if the situation is less traditional.) Noisy brain and continuous analyzing can be a pure habit, especially if your job demands that you spend hours every day in such a state of mind. At the end of the day, it can be difficult to "turn your brain off" and relax. Your brain can continue to work in overdrive, getting lost in planning, concerns and obligations while you try to make love. If there are no other causes of the problem, you can relatively easily learn to relax and reconnect to your body after coming back from work, or at least before going to bed. However, it might easily be that there is more than a simple habit beyond surface. Perhaps you have controlling issues, learned from your parents or during chaotic experiences. Are you generally prone to perfectionism and criticism? In such cases, continuous mental activity can be your way of trying to control your life and avoiding suppressed fears. Practice bringing your attention back to your body and feelings, instead of getting lost in thoughts. It might feel weird in the beginning, but soon you will probably be able to stay focused on making love much more easily. If this wouldn't be enough, you might need to check if there are other unconscious patterns that prevent you from being in your own body. Perhaps, as a child, you have learned that emotions are painful, shameful or unacceptable for your environment? Perhaps you have learned to debase emotional expressions or water them down with forced humor. If you are particularly rational and avoid emotions, you might have particular difficulties tuning into your feelings during a sexual intercourse. This might be especially true for women. Many men learn that sexual moments are some of the rare ones when emotions are allowed and expected; if a woman learns to dissociate from her own emotions, she might be phychologically and socially conditioned to avoid them even more during sex. This is another kind of pressure that is particularly experienced by women. Sexual behavior that is dominantly shown on internet and in mass-media is mostly a result of male fantasies, represented in ways stimulating to many men. Inexperienced people, young people in particular, build their sexual expectations on such fantasies and expect their sexual partners to act in such ways. These scenarios are often not comfortable for women, yet young girls who don't know themselves well and don't respect themselves enough might believe such media more than their own feelings. Thus they may ignore their own instincts and emotions in order to adapt to male expectations. In such a way, social pressure on women might not only come from men, but women and girls can too make pressure on each other, if they accept other people's ideas of what is "normal". Women are much more likely to suffer consequences in cases of unwanted pregnancy, which can sometimes limit them for the rest of their lives. Therefore, it is realistic for women to be more careful and have higher criteria for sexual partners. If a woman learns to ignore such instincts, she has to deny and debase many other of her own emotions. This is a burden that she might carry into her future relationships, even if she doesn't experience obvious traumas such as sexual abuse, unwanted pregnancy or abortion. Intimate relationships often start with transference (we fall in love with people who unconsciously remind us of important people from our past). In the beginning, this is normally a key ingredient of enthusiasm and passion. Yet when the "honeymoon" is over, the unpleasant consequences of transference, such as accumulating resentment, become visible. (Check this article for more information.) One of them can be a subtle incestuous feeling. If your partner is an unconscious replacement for your father or mother, sister or a brother, or even a grandfather... how likely are you to go to bed with those members of your family? If even just a tiny part of your brain is aware of similarities of your partner to these people, your body can automatically object. Consider this possibility if your libido is otherwise normal, but you feel inexplicable resistance to making love to your partner. Beliefs that prevent you from relaxing into sexual pleasure do not have to be conscious and verbalized. Sometimes they may only manifest as subtle, unspecific discomfort or resistance. Perhaps you are so used to this that it feels normal. Remember how did your parents talk to you about sexuality and related topics? Were they calm and relaxed, or did they show irritation, discomfort, shame or avoidance? Such behavior doesn't have to be traumatic to leave a lasting impression on a child. Patriarchal societies present sex as humiliating, not only for women who are shown as objects to be exploited, but indirectly also for men who are shown as selfish, superficial and aggressive. The amount of such content in public media and behavior helps us assess emotional maturity of societies and individuals. Healthy societies and individuals perceive sex as a mutual relationship of two people who appreciate each other as complete human beings. Such a relationship doesn't humiliate or exploit anyone and is therefore innocent. I recommend you to choose partners whose behavior shows that they see and respect you as a complete person, instead of a projection of their past (transference), their imagination or hormons. With such a partner, your toxic beliefs cannot be continuously reinforced. There are few of such people and you might need time to learn to know them well - but it is well worth the effort. Our coaching can also help you resolve your toxic beliefs from past and integrate lost parts of yourself. Your previous experience and habits influence what becomes sexually stimulating to you. As with smells, tastes and many other stimuli, once we get used to a certain stimulus, we can stop noticing it until it becomes stronger. Perhaps certain spices and tastes felt weird and intense when you first tried them, yet after a while you got so used to them that a small amount wasn't enough anymore. Some people, for example, feel a need for adrenaline. They might use more and more extreme sports (or other risky activities, such as gambling or even crime) to achieve the level of stimulation they want. After a while, the risks they have gotten used to are simply not enough. Something similar can happen with sexual stimuli. In early stages of human evolution, people were used to seeing exposed bodies so they weren't sexually aroused by bodies alone. Obvious sexual signals were needed to arouse interest, similarly as amongst animals. Later, people started covering their intimate parts to protect them during dangerous activities and to achieve more freedom of movement. As humanity spread to colder climates (or harsh climates such as deserts), people needed more and more protection, so they started making clothes of animal skins, and later other materials. Once people got used to see bodies covered by clothing, it became more and more unusual to see a naked body. What was normal before, started to cause more and more intense reactions, of either arousal or discomfort. People started to feel a need to control both of those reactions. Thus all kinds of social and religious rules and taboos were created. Only a few centuries ago, it was unusual to see a bare female ankle or shoulder throughout Europe. In Arabic countries, where people needed to cover their faces to protect them from sun or sand, it became unusual to even see a woman's face. Considering that a male body is usually not by itself stimulating to women, there was less perceived need to wrap it in rules too. On the other hand, in some countries women can be judged as immoral if even their necks or ankles can be glimpsed through their clothing. In Western countries, quite the opposite process is going on. First people got used to bare shoulders and low necklines, then mini-skirts and bare bellies, then to bare breasts and thongs on beaches. Lately, with internet, pornography became so widely available for free (if you exclude all the spyware and malware that usually comes with such web-sites) that many people, especially young men, already take it for granted. "Regular" sex is not so exciting anymore, so other kinds of unusual stimulation are sought after. Many people now expect anal sex, which many women find painful and hurtful. (If your partner insists on anal sex which you don't want, buy a dildo and demand: "You first!") Some people use such stimulation as a replacement for love, attention and intimacy. Sexual activities stimulate production of endorphines within our bodies, which can temporarily create an impression that emotional void has been filled. Thus sex can become a kind of addiction, such as with all activities and substances which replace emotional health and balance. If you are addicted to sex, at least you do not ingest such harmful substances as many other addictions would make you do - but an emotional relationship with a real person might become secondary. If you are used to explicit pornographic content, a naked body and being touched by another person might not be enough to you. To keep your arousal at high levels, you might try to use more and more uncommon positions and scenarios, until this demands so much energy and focus that you stop paying attention to your partner as an individual. We can expect more and more sexual issues amongst younger people too, as differences between individual sexual habits and expectations increase. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Pisala sam nedavno o psihološkoj podlozi bolesti, a seksualnost je najočitiji primjer brze manifestacije veze između psihičkog i fizičkog. Nakon što ste obavili medicinske preglede i uvjerili se da ne postoji neka bolest u korijenu problema, vrijeme je da se usredotočimo na ono manje opipljivo i uočljivo. Naša psiha je, naravno, komplicirana, pa tako niti uzroci seksualnih problema nisu jednostavni i ne mogu se svesti na jednostavne kategorije. Ali navedimo ključne, općenite smjernice: Očitije djeluje kod žena nego kod muškaraca. Dok za mnoge muškarce seks može biti i način oslobađanja stresa, te oni tada mogu biti čak i pojačano motivirani, kod žena se to puno rjeđe događa. Ženi je najčešće potrebno da bude emocionalno motivirana za seks, što uključuje opuštenost, neopterećenost i ugodnu atmosferu. Ako je stres akutan i nedostatak energije za seksualnost privremen, najčešće neće biti većih problema. Pravi problem je kronični, "pozadinski" stres i napetost, koji kontinuirano crpe energiju. To može biti posljedica realnih pritisaka kao što su problemi na poslu, preopterećenost brigom o djeci, nedovoljno bliskosti i povjerenja unutar odnosa. Ali, može se raditi i o napetosti koja potječe iz ranije nastalih, podsvjesnih pritisaka: tjeskobe, krivnje, samokritike; razvijenih u djetinjstvu i još uvijek prisutnih. Na takvu vrstu stresa možemo biti dovoljno navikli da ga u pravilu i ne primjećujemo. Tada ćemo biti zbunjeni i možda sami sebe kritizirati zbog nedostatka libida. Površan, nesuosjećajan partner može pribjeći zamjeranju, okrivljavanju i omalovažavanju, te time pojačati stres. U tom slučaju, vaš libido je vjerojatno mudriji od vas. Želite li stvarno riskirati da imate dijete s takvom osobom? Ako ste muškarac i vaša partnerica ima kronično nizak libido, razmislite osjeća li ona dovoljno vaše podrške i ravnoteže unutar odnosa. "Pranje suđa je najbolja predigra" vrijedi uvijek i svugdje, ali posebno ako je žena preopterećena. Da li se stvarno trudite oko zajedničkog suživota ili nalazite izgovore za lijenost? Najbolje da pitate nju. (Sve to, naravno, vrijedi i za žene ako je situacija manje tradicionalna.) Mentalna buka ili analitičnost mogu biti obična navika, pogotovo ako vaš posao zahtijeva da više sati dnevno provedete u takvom stanju. Na kraju dana, može biti teško isključiti misli i prepustiti se. Tada će se često događati da mozak nastavi raditi u praznom hodu, bježati u vanjske planove, brige i obaveze dok pokušavate voditi ljubav. Ako ne postoji drugih uzroka problema, rješenje je u relativno lakoj izgradnji navike opuštanja i povezivanja sa svojim tijelom nakon vraćanja s posla ili barem prije odlaska u krevet. Međutim, lako je moguće da se ispod površine krije više od obične navike. Primjerice, možda nosite u sebi potrebu za kontrolom, naučenu od roditelja ili prilikom kaotičnih iskustava. Jeste li inače skloni perfekcionizmu i kriticizmu? Vjerojatno su kontrola i neprestana mentalna aktivnost vaša obrana od raznih strahova. Vježbajte usmjeravati pažnju na svoje tijelo i osjete, umjesto na misli. Može biti malo neobično, ali vjerojatno će vam se uskoro biti puno lakše uživiti u vođenje ljubavi. Ako to ne pomogne, vrijeme je da poradite na nesvjesnim problematičnim obrascima. Možda ste kao dijete naučili da su emocije opasne, bolne, sramotne ili neprihvatljive za okolinu? Možda općenito imate potrebu omalovažavati izraze emocija ili ih ublažavati usiljenim humorom. Ako ste izrazito racionalni i izbjegavate emocije, može vam biti posebno teško uključiti osjećaje unutar intimnog odnosa. To posebice vrijedi za žene. Muškarci mogu seksualni odnos doživljavati kao jedan od rijetkih trenutaka kad su emocije dozvoljene; ako žena nauči odbacivati svoje emocije, ona može biti psihički i društveno uvjetovana da ih još teže uključi za vrijeme seksa. Također češće ženski problem je pritisak društva. Seksualno ponašanje koje prevladava na internetu i u medijima u pravilu osmišljavaju muškarci i prikazuju ga na način koji stimulira muškarce. Neupućeni ljudi, pogotovo mladi, tako počinju očekivati da se većina žena ponaša slično tim prikazima nastalim iz mašte. Mlade djevojke, koje još ne poznaju i ne cijene sebe dovoljno, možda će više vjerovati drugim ljudima nego samima sebi, te mogu zanemariti vlastite osjećaje i instinkte kako bi se prilagodile društvu. Na taj način, ne samo da pritisak dolazi od muške okoline, nego žene i djevojke mogu i međusobno činiti pritisak jedna na drugu, sve zbog toksičnih ideja o tome što je "normalno". Budući da žena u pravilu trpi daleko teže posljedice i ograničenja u slučaju neželjene trudnoće nego muškarac, realno je da ona bude opreznija i ima više kriterije (mada, isto je tako realno i normalno da različite žene - i muškarci - imaju različite nagone). Ako žena prestane slušati svoje instinkte, to vodi potiskivanju i omalovažavanju mnogih drugih pratećih emocija. To je teret koji će ona nositi u svoje kasnije veze, čak i ako ne bude opipljivijih posljedica. Intimne veze u pravilu se temelje na transferima (u osobi koja je s nama nesvjesno vidimo neku važnu osobu iz prošlosti). U početku, to je najčešće ključan element entuzijazma i strasti. No kad se početna euforija stiša, počinju neugodne posljedice transfera. Jedna od njih može biti prikriveni osjećaj incestuoznosti. Ako je vaš partner nesvjesna zamjena za oca ili majku, brata ili sestru, ili čak djeda... koliko je vjerojatno da bi otišli u krevet s tim članovima vaše obitelji? Ako čak i samo manji dio vašeg mozga primjećuje sličnosti, tijelo se može automatski pobuniti. Razmislite o ovoj mogućnosti ako je vaš libido inače normalan, ali vaš partner vas jednostavno više ne privlači. Još neke posljedice transfera mogu biti ljutnja, zamjeranje ili nepoštovanje. Uvjerenja koja vas sabotiraju u seksualnom opuštanju ne moraju biti svjesna i verbalizirana. Ponekad će se samo raditi o neodređenoj nelagodi ili otporu. Možda ćete na to biti dovoljno navikli da vam se čini normalnim. Sjetite se kako su vaši roditelji komunicirali s vama o seksualnoj tematici. Jesu li bili smireni i opušteni, ili su pokazivali ljutnju, nelagodu, sram ili izbjegavanje? To nije moralo biti naročito traumatično, da bi ostavilo traga. Patrijarhalno društvo prikazuje seks kao ponižavajući, prvenstveno za ženu koju se prikazuje kao iskorišteno meso, ali indirektno i za muškarca, kojeg se prikazuje kao plitkog, sebičnog i/ili nasilnog. Prema količini takvih sadržaja u javnosti može se procijeniti patrijarhat i nezrelost društva (i pojedinca). Zdravo društvo i pojedinci vide seks kao uzajaman odnos dvoje ljudi koji se vide i cijene kao potpune osobe. Takav odnos nikoga ne ponižava ili iskorištava i prema tome je nevin. Na osobnoj razini, preporučujem da odabirete partnere za koje ste sigurni da vas vide i cijene kao ono što jeste, a ne kao projekciju svoje prošlosti, svoje mašte ili hormona. Jednom kad ste s takvim partnerom, vaša toksična uvjerenja više neće imati podlogu kojom bi se hranila. Takvih ljudi neće biti puno, i vjerojatno će vam trebati vremena da ih dobro procijenite - ali se isplati. Što će nas i koliko seksualno stimulirati, jednim dijelom ovisi i o našim navikama i dosadašnjim iskustvima. Kao i s mirisima, okusima i mnogim drugim podražajima, jednom kad se na određen podražaj naviknemo, možemo ga prestati primjećivati osim ako on ne postane još intenzivniji. Možda su vam neki okusi, određeni začini bili u početku čudni i sumnjivi, da bi nakon nekog vremena ustanovili da vam malo više nije dovoljno. Neki ljudi imaju potrebu za adrenalinom. Oni mogu pribjegavati sve ekstremnijim i ekstremnijim sportovima (ili drugim vrstama rizika, kao kod kockanja i kriminala) da bi se osjećali stimulirani. Stupanj rizika na koji su navikli, jednostavno više nije dovoljan. Slično se može dogoditi i sa seksualnim podražajima. Dok smo još bili tek nešto inteligentniji primati, pokrivali smo spolne organe radi zaštite pri opasnim aktivnostima ili jednostavno da ne bi smetali pri pokretu. Kao i kod životinja, bili su potrebni intenzivni i očiti znakovi seksualne spremnosti da bi stimulirali potencijalne partnere. Kako smo se počeli širiti u hladnije krajeve, trebalo nam je sve više zaštite. Tako smo počeli koristiti životinjska krzna, a zatim izrađivati odjeću od drugih materijala. Jednom kad su se ljudi navikli na odjeću, postalo je neobično vidjeti golo tijelo. Ono što je prije bilo normalno, počelo je izazivati sve intenzivnije reakcije, ponekad u obliku uzbuđenja, ponekad nelagode. Počeli smo osjećati potrebu da kontroliramo kako uzbuđenje, tako i nelagodu, pa su se rodili različiti vjerski i društveni zakoni i zabrane. Još prije tek par stoljeća, u Europi je bio nesvakidašnji događaj vidjeti ženski gležanj ili rame. U arapskom svijetu, gdje ljudi često pokrivaju i lica radi zaštite od pijeska i sunca, postalo je neobično vidjeti čak i žensko lice. S obzirom da sam pogled na muško tijelo ženama u pravilu nije sam po sebi stimulativan, nije postojalo toliko potrebe da se i ono omota pravilima. S druge strane, ženu se u nekim državama može optužiti za nemoral ako joj se vrat ili gležanj čak i samo nazire kroz odjeću. Na Zapadu, u zamahu je upravo obrnut proces. Prvo smo se navikli na vratne izreze i ramena, zatim mini-suknje i gole trbuhe, zatim na toples i tange na plažama. U posljednje vrijeme, Internet je omogućio da besplatna pornografija postane toliko lako dostupna (ako zanemarite sve viruse i špijunske programe koji obično dolaze u paketu s takvim web-stranicama i sadržajima) da je mnogi ljudi, pogotovo mladi muškarci, već uzimaju zdravo za gotovo. "Običan" seks više nije uzbudljiv, pa se traže nove vrste zabranjenog voća. Tako je sve prisutniji pritisak za analnim seksom, koji je za mnoge žene bolan i može rezultirati ozljedama. (Ako vaš partner inzistira na analnom seksu kojeg ne želite, pripremite dildo i postavite uvjet: "Ti prvi!") Događa se da ljudi u takvoj stimulaciji traže zamjenu za ljubav, pažnju i intimnost. Seksualna stimulacija rezultira proizvodnjom endorfina, što može stvoriti dojam da je emocionalna praznina popunjena. To može postati neka vrsta ovisnosti, kao i kod svih aktivnosti i tvari koje su zamjena za zdravlje i unutarnju ravnotežu. Odnos s pravim ljudskim bićem time pada u drugi plan. Ako ste navikli na eksplicitne pornografske predstave, golo tijelo i dodir druge osobe možda više jednostavno neće biti dovoljni. Da bi održali visoku razinu uzbuđenja, vjerojatno ćete pokušati sa sve neobičnijim položajima i scenarijima, sve dok to ne počne zahtijevati toliko pažnje i energije da potpuno izgubite iz vida osobu koja je s vama. Za očekivati je da seksualni problemi postanu sve izraženiji i u mlađim generacijama, a tako i jaz između seksualnih očekivanja, ovisno o spolu i navikama pojedinaca. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.