http___margaretcho.com_hr_2011_12_05_birthday-pie__2.xml
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My wonderful friends made me a pie on my birthday, and not just any old pie, but my favorite pie, a humble pie no less, made from a box of chocolate pudding mix and Cool Whip, layered together in almost equal proportions and chilled into a store bought graham cracker shell. It is the most beloved sweet of my childhood, having lived in close proximity to a Kentucky Fried Chicken. My favorite part of this oddly homespun hometown ‘n’ homegrown fast food chain’s offering wasn’t the chicken, as i didn’t love the peppery thick wet crust, made with floury mud and clay, packed around an overly large antibiotic plumped chicken breast like a grenade, too salty savory and breadlike, an american cold war chicken kiev. No, i didn’t care much for the dripping pickle and pimento mayonnaise coating desperately short ends of macaroni, although i wouldn’t kick it out of bed for eating crackers if you know what i mean. Not even the peristalsis stopping southern style biscuits, that would coat your teeth with the unpleasantly squeaky chemical effect of buttermilk as it filled your mouth with salt and dryness inspired my ardor. I loved the desserts. The dessert I loved most there in the 70s was the plastic cup o’ chocolate parfait – rich inches of cold chocolate pudding, toothpaste white whipped cream (de facto Cool Whip) and crushed graham crackers lining the bottom like sandy gravel in an aquarium. as a child, i actually thought that someone over at kfc had a janitor friend at Nabisco, and that this friend would routinely sweep up the kill room at the main nabisco bakery and then turn around and cheaply sell the contents of his dustpan to make the base of this lowbrow garbagey treat. Chocolate pudding, the most processed kind, not the artisanal kind that often circumnavigates a refrigerated case in better diners the world over, the kind that grows a skin, proteins in the milk coagulating and creating a protective border between you and the pudding, a sweet, self-excreted condom, that sticks to the roof of your mouth and can be pulled from your lips like a caul, the lacy fat which sometimes surrounds infants to cushion them from the blows of birth, but the kind that comes to you as a powder, like a dark, sugary cocaine, mixed with liquid and treated with temperature like crack. It looks fake and tastes fake and is fake – all preservatives and milk solids and extracts and something that controls your mind – and is delicious beyond compare. Foamy whipped cream which is essentially Cool Whip tops off this genius creation, its texture plumped up with air bubbles setting off the glossy egg glamour of the pudding and dulling the decadence. For some reason the graham cracker crust chastens the sinful dessert even further, the crunch like pop rocks but without the fruit flavor. as you can tell I have thought much about this concoction. It is truly one of my favorite dishes, trashy as it is. I can’t help it. In the unlikely event of my execution, please get me this. If this is in my mouth, at least I’d go into the abyss with the taste of glory, which is just as fine as a blaze any day. I even made my own version at home after school, almost unable to bear the hour it took to chill that motherfucker. I wanted it so bad and i wanted it fast and the longer i had to wait for it the more i would end up eating because it was like i was trying to sate not only my hunger but my desire. And so began my long love affair with chocolate, to whom I am monogamous, but the chocolate in this recipe is not quite the lure, as I can’t even really taste the cocoa in the dense bland background. It tastes more like eggs and it also tastes shiny, if light reflected could be perceived as a flavor. The texture is what I am after. It fills me, and I feel so empty all the time and this stuff, It just fills me and that is why I am writing this love letter to it right now. I brought the birthday pie home, but not before texting my husband that it was coming home with me, as if I had found a stray animal to rescue. He was excited about the pie, but he must not have been that excited because he was asleep by the time I got home and so I ate that pie because yes, you snooze you lose, especially when it comes to this pie and hell – it’s my goddamned birthday and I can cry and eat a whole pie if I want to. Thanks to Ian and Sarah and Selene for making my birthday treat and making my birthday great and my wonderful husband for letting me have the whole thing to myself.
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Moji divni prijatelji me pita na moj rođendan, a ne bilo koja pita, ali moja omiljena pita, ponizno pita ni manje, izrađeni od kutije čokoladni puding mix i Cool bič, slojevita zajedno u gotovo jednakom omjeru i ohladiti u dućan kupili Graham kreker ljuske. To je najomiljenijih slatka iz mog djetinjstva, nakon što su živjeli u neposrednoj blizini na Kentucky Fried Chicken. Moj omiljeni dio ovog čudno domaćeg rodnom 'n' Homegrown lanca brze hrane a ponuda nije bilo piletine, jer nisam ljubav papreni gustu mokru kore, sklopio s floury blata i gline, pakiran oko pretjerano velikim antibiotik plumped pileća prsa poput granata, previše slana ukusan i breadlike, američki hladnog rata piletina Kijevu. Ne, nije me bilo briga koliko za kapanje ajvarom i piment majoneze premazivanje očajnički kratkim krajevima makarona, iako ja ne bih ga izbaciti iz kreveta za jesti kekse, ako znate što mislim. Ni peristalsis zaustavljanja dalmatinskom stilu kekse, da bi kaput zube s neugodno kreštav kemijskom djelovanju mlaćenica jer napuni usta solju i suhoća inspirirala moj žar. Voljela sam deserte. Desert sam voljela najviše ima u 70 je plastičnu šalicu o 'čokoladni parfait - bogate inča hladne čokoladni puding, pasta bijeli šlag (de facto Cool Whip) i slomiti graham krekeri obloge dna poput pješčane šljunka u akvarij. kao dijete, zapravo sam mislio da je netko više u KFC imao domar prijatelja na Nabisco, te da je to prijatelj bi rutinski pomesti ubiti sobu u glavnoj Nabisco pekare, a zatim se okrene i jeftino prodati sadržaj njegovog lopatica za smeće kako bi Baza ove prost garbagey poslastica. Čokoladni puding, najčešće obrađuju vrste, a ne zanatski vrsta koja se često circumnavigates rashlađeni slučaj u boljim Diners diljem svijeta, od vrste koja raste u kožu, proteine u koagulaciju mlijeka i stvara zaštitnu granicu između vas i puding, slatko , self-izlučuje kondom, koji se lijepi na krovu usta i može se izvući iz vaših usana poput CAUL, čipka masnoće koje se ponekad okružuje dojenčad da ih se ublaži od udaraca rođenja, ali vrsta koja dolazi k vama kao prahu, poput tamne, šećerni kokaina, pomiješana s tekućinom i tretirana s temperaturom poput pukotine. Izgleda varanje i okusa lažni i lažni - svi konzervansa i mliječnih tvari i ekstrakti i nešto što kontrolira vaš um - i ukusna izvan usporediti. Pjenasta šlag koji je u suštini Cool Whip vrhovima s ovog genijalnog stvaranje, tekstura plumped sa zračnih mjehurića postavljanje off sjajni jaje glamur puding i otupljivanje na dekadenciju. Iz nekog razloga Graham kreker kora chastens grešno desert i dalje, škripanje kao pop stijenama, ali bez okusa voća. kao što se može reći da su razmišljali o ovom izmišljotina. To je uistinu jedan od mojih omiljenih jela, trashy kao što je to. Ne mogu si pomoći. U malo vjerojatnom slučaju mog izvršenja, molimo Vas da mi ovo. Ako je to u mojim ustima, barem ja bih otići u ponor s okusom slave, baš kao što je u redu, kao plamen bilo koji dan. Čak sam napravio moj vlastiti verziju kod kuće poslije škole, gotovo ne može podnijeti sat vremena trebalo je da se hladi da motherfucker. Htjela sam to tako loše i ja sam htjela da brzo i više sam morao čekati za to više ja bih završiti jedući, jer to je kao da pokušava zasititi nije samo moja glad ali moja želja. I tako je počeo moj dugu ljubavnu aferu s čokoladom, kome sam ja monogamni, ali čokolada u ovom receptu nije baš mamac, kao što sam ja ne mogu ni stvarno okus kakaa u gustoj blag pozadini. Ima okus više kao jaja i to je također sjajan okus, ako je svjetlost reflektira može shvatiti kao okus. Tekstura je ono što sam poslije. Ona me ispunjava, a ja se osjećam tako prazan cijelo vrijeme i te stvari, to samo mi ispunjava i to je razlog zašto pišem ovo ljubavno pismo na njega upravo sada. Donio sam rođendansku pita dom, ali ne prije nego što texting moj muž da dolazi kući sa mnom, kao da sam pronašao izgubljenu životinju za spašavanje. Bio je uzbuđen zbog kolača, ali on ne smije biti da je uzbuđen zbog toga što je spavao u trenutku kada sam dobio doma pa sam pojeo tu pitu, jer da, što odgodu gubite, posebno kada je riječ o ovom pite i pakao - to je moja prokleta rođendan, a ja mogu plakati i jesti cijelu pitu, ako želim. Zahvaljujući Ian i Sarah i Selene za izradu rođendan poslasticu i što moj rođendan veliko i moj prekrasan muž dopustio mi da cijelu stvar za sebe.