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Manipulation by definition presumes covert attempt to control others, usually involving twisting facts and using words in ways that might be difficult to distinguish from honest communication. That's why people are often confused whether they might be manipulated or not. In fact, it's not uncommon for manipulators to accuse their victims of manipulation - which, of course, is just another form of manipulation. Among other things, people are often confused about what is normal in relationships. When is a demand or even an ultimatum appropriate and "legitimate", and when is it manipulative? It's not always easy to distinguish, but it's easy to superficially label any ultimatum as blackmail. I wrote some suggestions how you might distinguish between the two below. Indications of emotional blackmail: by inducing unpleasant emotions (guilt, pity, fear...), a manipulator tries to avoid responsibility for their own feelings and decisions, but also the responsibility to communicate clearly and honestly. (Any kind of victim attitude and loud self-pity are good examples.) Shifting responsibility is in the very core of emotional blackmail and a way to upset the balance in negotiations. Sometimes blackmail is used to cover laziness or selfishness. threats of disproportionate consequences, usually in terms of emotional pain, for minor faults, disagreements or decisions. Example: "Granny will be so sad if you don't do this!" (threatening guilt). the manipulator tries to make the other person feel bad, usually through shame, blame or threat of rejection, i.e.: "How can you do this to your mother who sacrificed so much for you?" Or, I had a grandfather who, when I'd call him and tell him who I was, used to answer the phone and keep silent for quite a while, after which he's usually say "Who is that? I don't know your name", until I explained to him that the more he played such games, the less I'd be motivated to even phone him, let alone see him. a (covertly) dismissive attitude toward the target's personal boundaries and integrity, and lack of consideration and empathy for the target's emotions and needs (and sometimes for collateral victims, too - such as a divorced parent using the love for children to blackmail the other parent) the attitude of demeaning the target's whole personality rather than criticizing specific behavior ("it's so selfish of you to..." rather than "I'm frustrated with your lack of consideration for..."). This is often expressed more through non-verbal communication than actual words. trying to evade or take away the target's right to choose; offering one's own perspective as the only possible option. The goal is to make it difficult for the targeted person to make a free and informed choice aligned with their own personality and integrity. ("If you move away, I'm sure I'll get sick and die!") exploiting the target's ideals and qualities such as empathy, responsibility and sense of obligation in dishonest ways. Besides victim games, a common example is to do the target a favor (sometimes unsolicited), only to later hold them responsible to return the favor in a way that harms their needs and boundaries. For example, some young men believe that a girl owes them sex if they do her any kind of favor. As manipulators usually know their demands are disproportionate, they will never announce them up front, while the target still has a chance to refuse the favor. Quite a few parents use their own decision to have children to later blackmail their children into sacrificing for them. Another example is a person making a big story about how somebody else helped them (usually while playing a victim in the same time), with the goal of shaming the target into doing the same. Marks of honest and appropriate demand or ultimatum: you express your requests, emotions and needs without blame (such as "I know you might not be aware of it, but here is why this is important to me...") you focus on specific behavior that bothers you, rather than attacking someone's personality (i.e. "when you keep making that noise, it creates more and more discomfort in me each time") you clearly express that you are asking for something because it's important to you personally, rather than it being an universal truth or right you determine realistic (moderate) and appropriate consequences if your demands are not fulfilled, and you are consistent in putting them into practice (if you don't want to help me with the housework, then I won't have time/energy/desire to spend the evening with you) you are open to negotiations, if it makes sense you are willing to accept the choice of the other person without blame, and face the consequences with integrity (including ending a relationship if you have determined you and are not compatible with them) Of course, it can be difficult to determine which consequences are appropriate for which behavior, especially if the criteria for acceptable or unacceptable behavior are unclear. That's why you need to first be clear with yourself about your priorities and needs, and make them clear to the other person, too. Another good criteria is non-verbal communication; is it victimy and blaming, or adult and calm? We all have instincts that tell us when someone's non-verbal communication feels honest; use them. Some people might be so used to emotional blackmail (it's almost a part of the culture in some places) that they are not able to recognize such behavior is not healthy or normal. They might act with strong conviction and non-verbal congruence even when they are avoiding responsibility. Insecure and pliable people might be swayed by such an attitude, so if you are among such people, you need to learn to trust your guts and common sense over somebody else's confidence. If your upbringing was full of induced guilt, you might have difficulties appreciating your own feelings and recognizing unhealthy demands and unhealthy guilt - after all, they were quite normal in your childhood. Still, most people have at least some instinct that warns them about unhealthy people and manipulation, often in form of anger and emotional resistance. To learn to distinguish between your own healthy and unhealthy emotions, and to learn to deal with unpleasant emotions (which is the primary condition to be able to resist emotional blackmail) practice observing your feelings and check out the article "Emotional Maturity". "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Manipulacija po definiciji podrazumijeva pokušaj prikrivene kontrole nad drugima, dakle izvrtanje činjenica i korištenje riječi na način koji je teško na prvi pogled razlikovati od iskrenosti. Zato često dolazi do zbunjenosti oko toga što je manipulacija, a što ne, a nerijetko se manipulatori mogu koristiti optužbama da drugi pokušavaju manipulirati njima. Između ostalog, često se ljudi nađu zbunjeni u vezi zahtjeva u odnosima. Kad je neki zahtjev ili čak ultimatum korektan i "legitiman", a kada se radi o emocionalnoj ucjeni? To nije uvijek lako prepoznati, a lako je površno nazvati zahtjev ucjenom (ili obratno). Zbog toga ovdje donosim niz smjernica za razlikovanje emocionalne ucjene od "običnog" zahtjeva. Karakteristike emocionalne ucjene: Bit emocionalne ucjene je prebacivanje vlastite odgovornosti na drugu osobu. Izazivanjem neugodnih emocija manipulator nastoji izbjeći odgovornost za svoje osjećaje i odluke, kao i odgovornost za jasnu komunikaciju i pregovore (bilo kakva uloga žrtve i glasno samosažalijevanje su dobar primjer). Ponekad se ucjenom nastoji prikriti lijenost ili sebičnost. prijetnja neproporcionalnim posljedicama, obično u obliku emocionalne boli, za ne tako važna ponašanja i odluke (ne uvijek, ali često). Npr. "baka će biti tako žalosna ako to ne napraviš!" (prijetnja osjećajem krivnje). drugu osobu se kažnjava izazivanjem neugodnih emocija, najčešće sramom, krivnjom ili odbacivanjem. Npr: "Kako tako nešto možeš reći svojoj majci, koja se toliko žrtvovala za tebe!" Ili, imala sam djeda koji bi uvijek kad bih ga nazvala dugo šutio u telefon, a zatim bi rekao (nakon što bih već rekla tko sam): "A tko je to? Ja te ne poznajem!", sve dok mu nisam objasnila da, što više igra takve igre, to manje želje imam da ga uopće kontaktiram. stav odbacivanja ili nepoštivanja granica, osjećaja i odluka druge osobe, a ponekad i nemar za kolateralne žrtve (npr. razvedeni roditelj koji koristi ljubav prema djeci kako bi ucjenjivao drugog roditelja) stav odbacivanja osobnosti druge osobe, umjesto kritike pojedinačnog ponašanja ("sebično je od tebe da..." umjesto "ne sviđa mi se što ne vodiš računa o...".) Ovo se često pokazuje više putem neverbalnog govora nego izravno riječima. oduzimanje drugoj osobi prava na izbor, postavljanje svog stanovišta kao jedine mogućnosti. Bit emocionalne ucjene je u nastojanju da se drugoj osobi onemogući ili oteža da slobodno odabere što je u skladu s njezinim osjećajima i integritetom, ako bi osobi koja ucjenjuje to bilo neugodno (npr. "Ako se odseliš, sigurno ću se razboljeti i umrijeti!"). iskorištavanje nečijih ideala i kvaliteta kao što su empatija, odgovornost i želja za suradnjom na nepoštene načine. Osim različitih igara žrtve, tipičan pristup je da se osobi učini usluga (ponekad netražena), da bi se kasnije od nje tražilo da tu uslugu mora uzvratiti na način koji oštećuje njezine potrebe i osobne granice. (npr. poneki mladi muškarci imaju ideju da im djevojka duguje seks ako joj učine uslugu). S obzirom da je manipulator svjestan da je ono što traži zauzvrat pretjerano, nikad to neće obznaniti unaprijed, nego će nastojati dovesti drugu osobu "pred gotov čin". Popriličan broj roditelja iskorištava vlastitu odluku da rode dijete kako bi kasnije natjerali to dijete da se žrtvuje za njih. Ili, manipulator se može raspričati o tome kako mu je neka divna osoba pomogla (uz istovremeno igranje žrtve) kako bi naveo "metu" da se pokuša dokazati učinivši nešto slično. Karakteristike zahtjeva ili korektnog ultimatuma: izražavate svoje zahtjeve, osjećaje i potrebe bez okrivljavanja usmjeravate se na ponašanje, a ne na omalovažavanje osobnosti jasno izražavate da nešto tražite zato što je to vama važno, a ne zato što bi to bilo apsolutna istina jasno dajete do znanja drugoj osobi koje su (realne i primjerene) posljedice njezinih izbora i držite se svojih odluka otvoreni ste pregovorima spremni ste prihvatiti odabir druge osobe i njegove posljedice za sebe i vaš odnos, te se ponašati u skladu sa svojim integritetom (uključujući prekid odnosa ako su iscrpljene druge mogućnosti) Naravno, često je teško definirati koje su posljedice primjerene za koje ponašanje, pogotovo ako su kriteriji za prihvatljivo ili neprihvatljivo ponašanje nejasni. Zato je važno biti sami sa sobom jasni u vezi svojih prioriteta i osjećaja. Isto tako, neprimjerenost posljedica ili kazne nije jedini kriterij prema kojemu ćete prepoznati emocionalnu ucjenu. Nekim ljudima strategija emocionalne ucjene može biti toliko čvrsto usađena da oni mogu biti uvjereni da je njihovo ponašanje zdravo i normalno. Tada će i njihov neverbalni govor biti usklađen i samopouzdan, pa oni mogu djelovati vrlo uvjerljivo. Ako spadate među nesigurnije i sugestibilnije osobe, potrebno je da naučite pouzdati se u svoje vrijednosti prije nego u tuđe samopouzdanje. Osobama koje su odgojene uz puno nametnute krivnje, može biti teško slušati svoje osjećaje i prepoznati nezdrave zahtjeve i nezdravu krivnju, jer im je to "normalno" stanje iz djetinjstva. No ipak, uvijek postoji neki unutarnji glas koji nas upozorava što je nezdravo, nerijetko u obliku ljutnje ili otpora. Svi imamo instinkte koji nam govore je li nečija neverbalna komunikacija iskrena ili ne; poslušajte ih. Kako bi naučili razlikovati vlastite zdrave osjećaje od nezdravih, a i kako bi se naučili nositi s neugodnim emocijama što je preduvjet za sposobnost odupiranja emocionalnoj ucjeni, vježbajte promatranje osjećaja i provjerite članak "Emocionalna zrelost". Preporučujemo knjigu: "Verbalna samoobrana" "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.