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Recently I had an interesting philosophical discussion about what "mature behavior" and "mature emotions" actually are, and according to which (and whose) criteria are they defined. Some of the criteria I already wrote about in the article "Emotional Maturity": intensity of your emotions is appropriate to the external situation, you do not feel a need to humiliate or hurt others (which means you don't have toxic beliefs about yourself), you take responsibility for your emotions, you express yourself in constructive ways and you find mature emotions motivating instead of painful or debilitating. In this article I will add some more details: In an adult, healthy frame of mind, your perception is complex rather than black and white. You are able to recognize many different aspects of a certain situation - not just your own perspective, but also other people's points of view, possible causes of their behavior, possible consequences of your choices etc. Therefore, you can adapt your behavior to each individual situation, rather than using rigid ideas or black and white perception of whose "fault" it is. You take responsibility for your own behavior, but not for other people's reactions. Therefore, you express your emotions, beliefs and needs in constructive ways, with honesty and respect, and you do not feel guilty if other people react in unpleasant ways. Immature behavior means perceiving other people as the cause of your emotions, blaming and criticizing them (whether in active or passive ways). It also means that you "shoot out" any words that come to your mind, without considering if they are reasonable and responsible. You don't feel the need to control people and situations. You value your own integrity above control over others. You know you can cope with others' behaviors. You feel that your happiness and self-esteem do not depend on other people. You choose those words that express your feelings honestly, instead of the words you hope would trigger certain reactions from other people. In an immature frame of mind, you might feel that you depend of other people, whether physically or emotionally. This might cause you to feel helpless, angry or resentful - and blame others around you for such feelings. You will try to find an external solution - by controlling other people - instead of working with your emotions, building self-esteem and independence. Your need to control other people is stronger than respect, tolerance or compassion you might feel for them. You can set boundaries. If you feel you can protect yourself from unpleasant behavior, you can be more tolerant and relaxed around other people. Immaturity may include inability to set clear boundaries. In that case, you are likely to expect other people to guess your desires and feelings and adapt to them, so that you can avoid expressing yourself clearly. You might blame people if they don't try to read your mind (or if they do, but don't succeed). You are compassionate; you can understand other people's points of view even if you disagree with them. If you perceive certain people as suffering, you still see them as strong and able to take responsibility for their lives, instead of seeing them as weak and taking the responsibility onto yourself. Does this all mean that I have to constantly adapt to others and do what they want? Absolutely not. Understanding other people doesn't automatically mean following their desires. It just helps you avoid prejudice and black & white thinking. You have the right to decide what fits your values, and what is not acceptable to you. The difference is, even if you decide that you do not want certain people around you, you can make this decision in a peaceful way, instead of "feeding it" with criticism, demeaning others or playing a victim. Does this mean that I can't express my feelings clearly and spontaneously? Read again all the above criteria carefully, especially the second entry. The difference between mature and immature communication is that mature people won't immediately express everything that comes to their minds, because they are aware that such (usually) harsh and hurtful words are what they learned in an unhealthy environment. Instead, they will focus inside to check what do they truly feel beyond the superficial layer of defensive anger. If you can be aware of your deeper, calmer and more complex emotions, if you can take time to find words that best express them, then you can be truly spontaneous in an adult way. If you can do this, you can then be as clear and direct as you want. Does it mean that I lose the ability to feel intense happiness and intense emotions in general? Unpleasant emotions are likely to become much milder if you resolve toxic beliefs you adopted as a child. This is what most people want anyway. Extreme, black and white happiness can also be childish, but if it doesn't have unpleasant consequences, why work on changing it? It is quite all right if some parts of you remain childish, if they are constructive and creative, if they are not related to toxic beliefs about yourself and others. On the other hand, as you learn to perceive more and more aspects of the world around you, your experience of happiness might become less intense and simple, but richer and more complex. This is like a difference between a cake that contains so much sugar that not much other flavor can be detected, and one that is less sweet, but much more flavorful. The choice is yours - it depends of your taste. Still, I feel that what you say means that I'm expected to be overly calm and calculated, instead of passionate and full of life! This is an exaggerated interpretation. If you are extroverted by nature, emotional maturity doesn't mean suddenly becoming an introvert. Extroverted people often believe that introverts lack passion, which is not true - the passion is simply experienced and expressed differently. Introversion / extroversion has nothing to do with emotional maturity. If you are an extrovert, you can still enjoy intense stimulation and communication, as long as you can take responsibility for your emotions and choose your own words instead of repeating worn-out accusations and criticisms. Following the above comparison of happiness with cakes, we can compare extroversion with enjoying very spicy food. Introversion in this case would be represented by people who enjoy mild flavors and find them rich and complex. Neither is better than the other - as long as you can respect other people's choices instead of forcefully pushing chili peppers in their mouths, ears and nostrils and expecting them to like it. So who decides if an emotion is "appropriate for its context"? Does it mean that the majority is right and I have to conform to it? Or does it mean that a few individuals pose as authorities over others? Neither. Although the distinction is not always clear, just as there is no clear boundary between "spicy" and "mild", you can find some indications in the other criteria of mature behavior I mentioned above: recognizing many aspects of a complex situation, understanding others, respect for yourself and others and taking responsibility. There is no mathematical formula, but if you pay attention to all of those aspects, you can get a clear enough idea of what it means to be mature. Another important indication can be the consequences of your behavior. Does your behavior result in inner harmony, balanced communication with other people and more or less pleasant relationships, especially with people who are close to you and know you well? Or does it result in mutual frustration, conflict and control games? Of course, some people will react unpleasantly no matter how mature your behavior is, but those are a minority. The next indication is your ability to empathize with other people. Are you focused on yourself and put your feelings and desires above those of other people, or do you perceive their feelings and needs as equally important as yours? Do you appreciate other people's efforts and what you receive from them, or do you only notice your own contribution to their lives? Can you find balance and compromise when possible, and peacefully end a relationship if it is not possible? A further important aspect is how honest you are with yourself. Most people (except sociopaths, but genetically induced sociopathy is rather rare) feel an instinctive internal warning if their behavior is selfish and hurtful to others. (This we feel because, as a species, we have evolved to be empathic, so that we can live in groups and societies.) Do you listen to this voice? Do you pay attention to those feelings whispering that perhaps you weren't just or honest in a certain situation? Can you listen to all of your inner voices and then peacefully decide which of them appear exaggerate and simplified, and which seem to perceive a wider point of view? Can you resist the need to feel better than other people? Finally, maturity and responsibility are not something that anybody could impose on us. They are our own choices for our own benefit. We choose to exercise maturity not in order to fulfill some external criteria, but because we want to improve the quality of our internal and external lives. We choose maturity out of self-love and appreciation for other people. We choose long-term happiness over short-term relief. This all still sounds boring to me! In this case, perhaps you have learned to associate suffering and unpleasant emotions with love, and to find some sort of pleasure within suffering. This is a reason why some people might feel bored in relationships that are not full of abuse and drama. Perhaps you have very little experience of fulfillment and happiness within healthy relationships, so you don't want to give up the dubious pleasure you find within drama, suffering and victim games. If you cannot even imagine a different kind of happiness, you might strongly resist the idea of giving up the little pleasure you are familiar with. There is no need to go into extremes and strive for perfection. Perfectionism is white & black perspective and therefore childish. Some parts of us will always stay immature. Nobody expects you to be always perfectly reasonable, moderate and controlled; it all depends of when you decide is enough and what consequences do you want. Sometimes a bit of immaturity and exaggeration is fine, if you are aware of it, if you don't hurt other people with such behavior, and if you can keep it in line instead of being controlled by it. The decision is always yours, and so are the consequences (even if some of the consequences might influence other people first). If you really enjoy drama and fighting, by all means continue. Be aware, however, that this is your choice and do not blame people who will rather choose not to be around you - or those who strike back. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Nedavno sam imala zanimljivu filozofsku raspravu o tome što uopće znači zrelo ponašanje i zrele emocije te po kojim (i čijim) se to kriterijima određuje. Osim kriterija koje sam već navela u članku "Emocionalna zrelost" – dakle: intenzitet emocija primjeren situaciji, nepostojanje potrebe da se ponizi druge (što znači i nepostojanje toksičnih uvjerenja o samima sebi), preuzimanje odgovornosti za vlastite emocije, konstruktivno izražavanje te osjećaj da nas emocije motiviraju umjesto blokiraju, ovdje bih to nadopunila još i sljedećim aspektima: U zdravom, odraslom stanju nema crno-bijele percepcije. Sposobni ste primijetiti puno različitih aspekata određene situacije – ne samo vlastitu nego i tuđu perspektivu, moguće uzroke situacije, moguće posljedice svog ponašanja – te svoje ponašanje prilagođavate svakoj pojedinoj situaciji umjesto krutih stavova i crno-bijelih ideja o tome tko je "kriv" i što bi "trebalo". Preuzimate odgovornost za svoje ponašanje, ali ne i za reakciju druge osobe. Dakle, izražavate svoje osjećaje, uvjerenja i potrebe na konstruktivan način, iskreno ali s poštovanjem, te nemate potrebu osjećati se krivi ili odgovorni ako druga osoba na to reagira neugodno. Nezrelo ponašanje znači tražiti u drugima uzroke svojih emocija te ih okrivljavati i kritizirati (bilo aktivno, pasivno ili u sebi). Isto tako, nezrelo ponašanje znači automatsko ispucavanje bilo kakvih riječi koje nam padnu na um, bez da prethodno razmislimo je li to razumno i odgovorno. Nemate potrebu za kontrolom nad situacijom i drugim ljudima. Važniji vam je vlastiti integritet od kontrole, te znate da se možete nositi s tuđim reakcijama i da vaše samopoštovanje i sreća ne ovisi o drugim ljudima. Birate one riječi kojima se možete najiskrenije izraziti, umjesto onih za koje se nadate da će postići željenu reakciju od drugih ljudi. U nezrelom stanju, osjećaj da ovisite o drugim ljudima (materijalno ili emocionalno) izaziva osjećaj nemoći, ljutnje ili gorčine, čiji uzrok pripisujete drugim ljudima. Pokušavate naći rješenje izvana – kontroliranjem drugih ljudi – umjesto iznutra (radom na svojim emocijama i samopoštovanju, na razvoju kreativnosti i inicijative ako je potrebno materijalno se osamostaliti). Potreba za kontrolom nadvladava poštovanje, toleranciju ili suosjećanje prema drugima. Znate postaviti svoje granice na smiren način. Činjenica da vjerujete sebi da se možete zaštititi čini da ste tolerantniji prema drugim ljudima i opušteniji u njihovom društvu. U nezrelom stanju, ne osjećate se sposobni da jasno postavite granice, te očekujete od drugih ljudi da se prilagođavaju vašim osjećajima i potrebama bez da ih uopće izrazite. Suosjećate s drugim ljudima, razumijete njihovu perspektivu čak i ako se ne slažete s njom. Pritom doživljavate druge ljude kao snažne i sposobne da preuzmu odgovornost za svoj život, umjesto da ih vidite kao slabe i pokušavate preuzeti odgovornost na sebe. Da li to znači da se moram stalno prilagođavati drugima? Nikako. Imate potpuno pravo odlučiti o tome što vam odgovara, a što vam nije prihvatljivo. Razlika je u tome da, ako i odlučite da neke osobe ne želite u svojoj blizini, preuzimate odgovornost za tu odluku umjesto da je "podgrijavate" kriticizmom, omalovažavanjem drugih ljudi ili igrama žrtve. Znači li to da ne smijem izraziti svoje osjećaje spontano, jasno i glasno? Pročitajte još jednom pažljivo gornje kriterije, posebno drugu stavku. Razlika između zrelog i nezrelog izražavanja je da iz zrelog stava nećete odmah ispucati prvo što vam padne na pamet, jer ste svjesni da su te, obično grube i povređujuće riječi, ono što ste kao djeca učili od nezdrave okoline. Radije, pogledat ćete u sebe da provjerite što stvarno osjećate i želite izraziti ispod onog površinskog, obrambenog sloja ljutnje i okrivljavanja. Kad možete osvijestiti one smirenije, dublje i složenije emocije te uzeti vremena da nađete odgovarajuće riječi, onda možete biti uistinu spontani na odrastao način . Tada možete biti direktni i jasni koliko god hoćete. Znači li to da gubim sposobnost intenzivne sreće i općenito intenzivnih emocija? Neugodne emocije će vjerojatno postati manje intenzivne, što je za većinu ljudi upravo ono što žele. Intenzivna, crno-bijela sreća često može biti dječji stav, ali budući da ona u pravilu ne nosi neželjene posljedice, nema potrebe da to mijenjate. Sasvim je u redu da neki dijelovi vas ostanu dječji , ako su konstruktivni i kreativni, ako nisu povezani s toksičnim uvjerenjima o sebi i drugim ljudima. S druge strane, kako učite vidjeti sve više aspekata svijeta oko sebe, moguće je i da vaša sreća postane manje ekstremna, ali složenija i bogatija . To je poput razlike između kolača koji sadrži toliko šećera da slatkoća nadvladava sve ostale okuse, te kolača koji sadrži manje šećera, ali to nadoknađuje bogatstvom drugih začina. Na kraju, to sve ovisi o ukusu. Imate mogućnost izbora. Ali meni se čini da sve to gore znači da se od mene očekuje previše smirenosti i odmjerenosti, a premalo strasti i životnog intenziteta! Ne mora biti tako. Ako ste po prirodi ekstrovertirana osoba, emocionalna zrelost ne znači da ćete odjednom postati introvertirani. Ekstrovertirani ljudi često imaju dojam da introvertima nedostaje strasti, što nije tako – jednostavno se ta strast drugačije doživljava i izražava. Introverzija / ekstroverzija nema veze sa emocionalnom zrelosti. Ako ste ekstravertirani, možete i dalje uživati u intenzivnoj stimulaciji i komunikaciji, dok god svoje emocije i stavove ne namećete drugim ljudima , dok god ste tolerantni za različitosti i dok god možete odabrati vlastite riječi umjesto ponavljati izlizane fraze optuživanja i kriticizma. Kao što smo ranije usporedili različite vrste sreće s kolačem, tako ekstroverziju možemo usporediti s uživanjem u vrlo začinjenoj hrani, dok bi introvertiranost u tom slučaju predstavljala ljude koji uživaju u blagim okusima. Niti jedno od toga nije dobro ili loše – sve dok uvažavate tuđe ukuse umjesto da im silom gurate feferone u usta, nos i uši, očekujući da im se to svidi. Tko uopće određuje koje su emocije "primjerene situaciji"? Da li to znači da je većina u pravu i da se moram prilagoditi većini? Ili to znači da se pojedine osobe postavljaju kao autoriteti iznad svih ostalih? Niti jedno niti drugo. Premda često nema jasne granice, kao što nema jasne granice između začinjenog i nezačinjenog, neke indikacije mogu vam dati ostali kriteriji zrelog ponašanja: prepoznavanje mnogih aspekata složene situacije, razumijevanje drugih ljudi, poštovanje prema sebi i drugima te preuzimanje odgovornosti . Nema matematičke formule za zrelost, ali ako obraćate pažnju na sve ove aspekte, možete dobiti prilično jasnu sliku što to znači. Još neke bitne indikacije možete naći u posljedicama svog ponašanja. Da li vaše ponašanje rezultira unutarnjim mirom, ravnotežom, skladnom komunikacijom s drugim ljudima i koliko-toliko skladnim odnosima, posebno s bliskim ljudima i onima koji vas dobro poznaju? Ili rezultira uzajamnim nezadovoljstvom, svađama i manipulacijama? Naravno, uvijek postoje ljudi koji će i na zrelo ponašanje reagirati neugodno, ali oni su u manjini. Sljedeća indikacija je koliko suosjećate s drugim ljudima. Da li ste fokusirani na sebe te svoje osjećaje postavljate ispred osjećaja drugih ljudi, ili vidite druge ljude i njihove osjećaje kao ravnopravne svojima? Cijenite li trud i ono što dobivate od drugih ljudi, ili primjećujete samo ono što vi dajete? Znate li naći sredinu i ravnotežu onda kad je to moguće, te mirno prekinuti odnos ako to nije moguće? Još jedna bitna odrednica je iskrenost prema sebi. Većina ljudi (osim psihopata, ali urođena psihopatija je prilično rijetka) osjeća instinktivno unutarnje upozorenje ako je naše ponašanje sebično ili povređujuće za druge. To osjećamo zato što kao vrsta posjedujemo urođenu empatiju . Da li slušate taj glas? Da li obraćate pažnju na osjećaje koji vam šapću da možda niste bili pravedni ili iskreni u određenoj komunikaciji? Možete li poslušati sve svoje unutarnje glasove i onda smireno odlučiti koji od njih vam se čine pretjerani i pojednostavljeni, a koji uzimaju u obzir širu perspektivu? Naposlijetku, zrelost i odgovornost nije nešto što nam bilo tko ima pravo nametnuti, nego naš vlastiti odabir radi vlastite dobrobiti . Odabiremo ponašati se zrelo ne zato da bi ispunjavali tuđe kriterije, nego zato što želimo biti kvalitetna osoba, imati ispunjen život i zdrave odnose s drugim ljudima. Odabiremo zrelost iz ljubavi prema sebi i poštovanja prema drugim ljudima. Odabiremo zrelost zato jer prednost dajemo dugotrajnoj sreći nad kratkoročnom ugodom. Ipak, meni se sve to čini dosadno! U tom slučaju, možda je problem u tome što ste naučili patnju i neugodne emocije povezivati s ljubavlju i nalaziti neku vrstu ugode u njima. Zbog istog razloga, nekim ljudima mogu biti dosadni odnosi koji ne uključuju zlostavljanje i drame. Možda nemate dovoljno iskustva ispunjenja i sreće kakve vam mogu donijeti zdravi odnosi, te se vežete za ono malo ugode koje uspijevate naći u drami i patnji. Ako ne možete čak niti zamisliti drugačiju vrstu sreće, možete osjećati snažan otpor pri pomisli da se odreknete ono malo zadovoljstva koje vam jest poznato. Detaljnije o tome možete pročitati u članku "Vezanost za patnju". Nije potrebno da idete u ekstreme i pokušavate biti savršeni. Perfekcionizam je crno-bijela perspektiva i samim time nezrela. Neki dijelovi nas će uvijek biti djetinjasti. Nitko ne očekuje da uvijek budete savršeno razumni, odmjereni i kontrolirani; sve ovisi o tome koliko vi odlučite da je dovoljno i kakve posljedice želite . Ponekad je malo nezrelosti i neumjerenosti sasvim u redu, ako ste svjesni toga, ako time ne povređujete druge te ako imate nadzor nad svojim ponašanjem umjesto da ono upravlja vama. Odluka je na kraju uvijek i samo vaša. Ako zaista uživate u svađama i drami, slobodno tako nastavite. Samo budite svjesni da je to vaš izbor i nemojte okrivljavati ljude koji će radije odabrati nečije tuđe društvo. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.