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Now let's talk about the more difficult part: not to be afraid of losing a relationship (or something else you hope for). Such an attitude is usually most difficult to achieve in early stages of a relationship, when hopes are still high, while first red flags appear small or accidental. Yet the beginning of a relationship is the most important time to assert our boundaries and express our needs. Keep in mind that, if expressing yourself and your needs means the other person might punish or leave you, then that person is obviously not used to either seek balance, or cooperate, or to be considerate or respectful. Therefore, obviously, you can expect the same attitude in the future. It's not likely you want or need such a person in your life. In such a case, it's better to recognize this on time, than when it's too late, right? Plant this thought firmly in your head: as long as your communication is peaceful and constructive, any kind of temper tantrum, blaming, or attempt to frighten you or humiliate you by the other person mean that this person is disrespecting you and trying to manipulate you. Even if you are used to this kind of behavior, it doesn't mean you should accept it. If such behavior is present in the beginning of a relationship, there can only be more of it in the future. The only acceptable answer to setting boundaries in a calm way, are peaceful, responsible and considerate arguments or negotiations. Only such a response means you can have a healthy relationship in the future. If a relationship is healthy, you cannot damage it by seeking balance. This is true not only in love relationships, but also in friendships, business or any other relationships. Sometimes, fear of losing a relationship is not the result of a realistic perception of one's partner, but experiences in early family. Perhaps your partner is responsible and willing to cooperate, but in your imagination, the obvious reaction if you express your needs will be rage, punishment or abandonment. This means your expectations come from your past, not present times. You need to find where they come from, work with the child part of yourself to help it feel safe, and develop new habits of thinking, feeling and behaving. These are all things we can help with. Sometimes the biggest challenge is to recognize that too strong a bond to an incompatible partner is a result of unconsciously seeking a parent substitute. Such bonds can be worked with and transformed. Such emotional entanglement makes people feel that they might not get another chance at happiness and that they could never find someone better than their current love interest. In reality, there are plenty of people who are healthier and better for you than a person who would punish or abandon you just because you express your boundaries clearly. An emotional bond that is a result of seeking replacement for a parent, needs to be healed from within, working with your "inner child", rather than trying to keep a partner at all costs. What if you are in a long term relationship or married, perhaps with children, and you recently realized that you spent years getting your partner (and yourself) used to not pay attention to your needs? Or, what if you are still in an early stage of a relationship, you recognize that your partner doesn't have a well developed sense of balance and consideration, but you believe it can be changed? The worst thing you can do is to make threats that you never put into action, whether because you don't dare to, or you take pity on your partner. The second most ineffective approach is to keep trying to convince your partner to change with demands and pleas, while not changing anything in your behavior. Every time you do it, and every time your partner successfully ignores your words, you weaken yourself and your boundaries. (All of this is true in relationships with children, too.) In such circumstances, the best and possibly the only effective approach is to determine practical consequences of ignoring your boundaries - in advance, and hold on to them for dear life. Call it punishment if you wish, but such consequences should be no more (or less) than how a healthy, self-confident person would react. To be able to put them into practice, the consequences must be moderate and realistic, while still unpleasant enough to motivate your partner. Rather than threaten to end the relationship, try this: your partner doesn't want to do their share of household chores? Let them wash their own clothes and cook their own food for a while at least. Your partner keeps being late when you need to go somewhere? Leave without them (if possible start using this approach in less important situations, rather than when you are in a rush to get on a plane). Your partner is embarrassing you in public? Leave them there and go home by yourself (preferably let them use public transport rather than leaving them the car). Your partner wants you to cancel your other tasks and agreements because they suddenly want you to do something else? Let them go where they want by themselves, while you stick with your plans. A temporary separation is a possible consequence for worse misbehavior, but best to determine in advance when this is appropriate, and who should stay where. Ideally, warn your partner in advance about consequences of their behavior, so they know what to expect and cannot accuse you of a temper tantrum or manipulation. Explain your partner why the need for such approach (because, obviously, words didn't help). Does it sound a bit like raising a child? Yes, and it would be great if that wasn't needed, but the reality is also that many adult people don't want to take adult responsibilities. Your partner might try to accuse you of controlling or manipulating them. Then it's time to talk about what does balance in a relationship mean to them, and whether you are compatible at all. Expectations and needs do not mean controlling the other person, if there is no pressure to stay in the relationship - and also if you focus on what is really important to you, rather than insisting on things being your way every time. As usual, the key is in finding balance. If it's obvious that your partner doesn't want to change something that for you is a requirement to continue the relationship, then it's more fair to end the relationship peacefully, then to try to force somebody to change in the way they don't want to (even if such a change would be healthier for them). Everybody has a right to decide how they want or don't want to change, and whether they want to stay in a certain relationship or not. The only obstacles to this - and the causes of various manipulative and controlling behaviors - are various childish fears, financial concerns, and the oversimplified tradition that says, "'Til death do us part". None of this is necessary in a modern society (ok, financial concerns can be realistic, but rarely unsolvable), and it's certainly better to make your decision sooner rather than when it's too late. Do you feel fear or guilt when you consider determining consequences for somebody's unpleasant behavior? Perhaps you were abused as a child, or in a previous relationship, or you might be abused in a current relationship, so you learned to fear punishment and violence if you stand up for yourself like a healthy adult. If your current partner makes you afraid, recognize that it's likely a result of abuse rather than a normal state, and it's time to seriously consider leaving that person. And if your fear comes from your past, this is not so difficult to work through and change. Back to part 1 Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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A sad na teži dio: ne bojati se riskirati odnos ili nešto drugo čemu se nadate. Takav stav je često najteže uspostaviti na početku, kad su nade još velike, a prvi prijestupi nam se čine privremeni i maleni. No upravo u početku odnosa je i najvažnije uspotaviti vlastite granice i izraziti svoje potrebe. Imajte na umu da ako izraziti sebe i svoje potrebe znači da bi vas druga osoba mogla osuditi i napustiti, onda ta osoba očito nije navikla niti na ravnotežu, niti na obzirnost, niti na poštovanje, te očito isto možete očekivati i u budućnosti. Teško da vam takva osoba stvarno treba u životu. U tom slučaju, bolje je to otkriti na vrijeme nego prekasno, zar ne? Utuvite si u glavu da, dok god sami komunicirate mirno i uviđavno, bilo kakvi ispadi bijesa, omalovažavanje, zastrašivanje ili okrivljavanje sa strane druge osobe znači nepoštovanje i pokušaj da se vama manipulira, čak i ako ste na to navikli kao na normalno. Ako je to prisutno u početku odnosa, bit će prisutno i kasnije, i to još i više. Jedini prihvatljiv odgovor na zauzimanje za sebe je smirena, odgovorna i uviđavna argumentacija. Tek to znači da je moguće imati zdravi odnos u budućnosti. Zdravi odnos sigurno nećete riskirati nastojanjem da nađete ravnotežu. To vrijedi kako za ljubavne veze, tako i za poslovne, prijateljske i bilo koje druge odnose. Ponekad strah da riskirate odnos nije rezultat realistične procjene druge osobe, nego iskustava u ranoj obitelji. Možda je druga osoba uviđavna i spremna surađivati, ali sve što vi možete zamisliti ako iznesete svoje potrebe je bijes, kazna i napuštanje. To znači da vaša očekivanja dolaze iz prošlosti, a ne sadašnjosti. Trebate pronaći odakle dolaze, raditi s dječjim dijelom sebe da se osjeti sigurno i razviti nove navike. U tome vam svemu možemo pomoći. Često je najveći izazov prepoznati da je pretjerana vezanost za sadašnjeg (potencijalnog) partnera zapravo traženje zamjene za roditelja, te da se to može promijeniti. U tom osjećaju vezanosti, ljudi često imaju osjećaj da neće dobiti drugu priliku, da je partner jedinstvena i nezamjenjiva osoba, te da ako ode, to se nikad neće moći nadoknaditi. U realnosti, nije tako. Postoji puno boljih (i kompatibilnijih s vama) ljudi na svijetu od osobe koja bi vas napustila samo zato što ste se smireno i odraslo zauzeli za svoje potrebe. Takvu vrstu vezanosti potrebno je riješiti iznutra, radom na unutarnjem djetetu, umjesto izvana nastojanjem da se partner zadrži pod svaku cijenu. Što ako ste već u stabilnoj vezi ili braku, možda imate i djecu, i upravo ste shvatili da ste godinama navikavali partnera i sebe da se vaše potrebe ne uvažavaju? Ili, što ako ste još u ranijoj fazi veze, prepoznajete da druga osoba baš i nema razvijen osjećaj za ravnotežu, ali vjerujete da se to može promijeniti? Najgore što možete napraviti su prijetnje koje na kraju "nemate srca" provesti u djelo. Sljedeći neučinkovit pristup je stalno iznova nastojati argumentima i pozivima na suosjećanje nagovarati partnera da se promijeni, a na kraju ipak tolerirati isto ponašanje. Svaki put kad to činite, i svaki put kad to druga osoba uspješno ignorira, još više slabite svoje mjesto u tom odnosu. (To sve vrijedi i za odnos s djecom.) Tada je najbolji, a možda i jedini učinkovit, pristup unaprijed odrediti posljedice za narušavanje ravnoteže i držati ih se kao pijani plota. Da biste ih se mogli držati, posljedice trebaju biti dovoljno umjerene i realistične (a ipak dovoljno neugodne da drugu osobu motiviraju). Umjesto da odmah prijetite raskidom, pokušajte ovako: partner ne želi sudjelovati u kućanskim poslovima? Neka si sam pere odjeću i kuha ručak, barem neko vrijeme. Partner uporno kasni kad trebate nekamo ići? Krenite bez njega (po mogućnosti počnite s ovim kod manje važnih događaja, umjesto recimo kad se spremate na avion). Partner vam stvara nelagodu u društvu? Ostavite ga tamo i vratite se doma sami. Partner očekuje da otkažete druge obaveze i dogovore jer on odjednom ima neku drugu želju? Pustite ga da ode sam gdje želi, a vi se držite prethodnih dogovora. Privremeno razdvajanje je jedna od opcija za teže prijestupe, no treba unaprijed razmisliti kakve, te tko će otići kamo. Idealno, unaprijed upoznajte partnera s posljedicama o kojima ste odlučili, kako bi ga pripremili i izbjegli burnu reakciju. Tako će partner također doživjeti vašu odluku kao promišljeno ponašanje, a ne afektiranu manipulaciju. Objasnite partneru i zašto to radite (tj. zato jer razgovori i argumenti očito nisu pomogli). Možda će vas partner optužiti za kontrolu i manipulaciju. Tada je vrijeme da razgovarate o tome što za tu osobu znači ravnoteža u odnosu i jeste li uopće kompatibilni. Očekivanja i potrebe nisu kontrola druge osobe ako ne postoji pritisak da se ostane u odnosu i ako se u određivanju posljedica fokusirate na situacije koje su vam stvarno bitne, a ne na svaku sitnicu. Ako vidite da se osoba ne želi promijeniti u vezi nečega što je za vas uvjet za nastavak odnosa, onda je poštenije prekinuti odnos nego forsirati drugu osobu da se promijeni na način na koji ne želi, čak i ako bi promjena bila zdravija. Svatko ima pravo odlučiti kako se želi ili ne želi promijeniti, te da li ostati ili ne ostati u određenom odnosu. Jedine prepreke tome, i uzroci raznih pritisaka i manipulacija, su obično razni dječji strahovi, materijalne brige, te tradicija "dok nas smrt ne rastavi". Ništa od toga u modernom društvu nije nužno (dobro, materijalne brige mogu biti realne, ali rijetko nepremostive), ali bolje je donijeti odluku ranije nego kasno. Osjećate li strah ili krivnju pri ideji da odredite posljedice za tuđe neugodno ponašanje? Moguće je da ste zlostavljani u sadašnjoj vezi (bilo aktivno ili putem manipulacije), ili ste bili zlostavljani kao dijete ili u prethodnoj vezi te ste navikli očekivati nasilje i kaznu ako se zauzmete za sebe. Ako vas je strahu naučila sadašnja veza, prepoznajte da je to zlostavljanje, a ne nešto normalno, i da je vrijeme da ozbiljno razmislite o odlasku. Ako vas je strahu naučila prošlost, to nije tako teško proraditi i promijeniti. povratak na 1. dio Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.