http___mentor-coach.eu_HR_articles_strah_od_bliskosti.html_1.xml
1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 2.1 2.2 2.3 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 4.5 5.1 5.2 5.3 5.4 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 6.5 6.6 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 7.6 7.7 7.8 7.9 7.10 8.1 8.2 8.3 8.4 8.5 9.1 9.2 9.3 9.4 9.5 9.6 9.7 10.1 10.2 11.1 12.1 12.2
All children (well, all healthy children) crave their parents' attention. "Mom, look at me!", "Dad, let's play!" If such and other expressions of desire for connection are refused in a cold or even aggressive manner, or if emotional connection is abused through manipulation and emotional blackmail, a child can develop a belief such behavior is normal and nothing much better can be expected in other relationships, either. Aggressive-manipulative relationship between parents, as well as possible emotional incest, can strengthen such an impression. Even when such children see examples of happy families and warm individuals elsewhere, they might be convinced such people are just good in pretending. Such people can not only learn to be afraid of close relationships, but might become convinced that their most beautiful emotions - love, tenderness, longing... - are weaknesses to be smothered and rejected. I've met smart and able men and women who were convinced they should fight such feelings and avoid being influenced by them. Some of those people can be unpredictable and volatile - constantly in inner conflict between their innate warmth and learned coldness. Being in control is an important idea when you are afraid of intimacy. The fear of pain can motivate you to avoid emotional risks, suppress emotions, and make you unable to relax. You might expect ridicule, criticism or manipulation as soon as you show any emotion. You might try to control other people to avoid being hurt by them, using similar strategies as your parents used to control you, including aggression and humiliation. You might feel that if you allowed yourself to be close to someone, you'd soon end up suffocated and controlled. Every objection or complaint, or need for compromise, or even disagreement, can seem threatening and manipulative, no matter how mildly expressed. You might be unable to set healthy boundaries, so you can give up on relationship rather than your boundaries. You might apply the same approach even to your children, as children spend quite a lot of time testing others' boundaries. You might even be unable to truly laugh and have fun - even that can feel like losing control. These people can be quite financially successful - the need for independence and control might push them to invest most of their energy into securing financial status and security, perhaps also power over others. Work can also be used as a way to avoid emotions, and as a substitute for fulfilling relationships. Substitutes can also be sought in other ways: through status symbols, addictions, promiscuous sex, or any other activity which distracts from emotions. Healthy relationship can seem boring to such people, so they can keep provoking drama (often unconsciously) so that they could feel "at home". A relationship with a person afraid of intimacy can be very frustrating and hurtful. Understanding is not enough, expressing love can be rejected out of fear or even scorn (sometimes boredom, too), and forgiveness only enables continuation of the same. Even people who are rationally aware they have a problem, might be resistant or not motivated enough to invest the effort needed into learning relationship skills. They might perceive emotional risks as too frightening. They can feel that whatever they do, would be in vain - like they experienced in their early families. The inner child is not aware that they are not in their early family anymore. A while ago, I was working online with a couple in Australia. The man was very charming, friendly and popular, but he had a habit of insulting his girlfriend and treating her condescendingly, especially in public places. When she mentioned it, I expected him to deny it, at least in part, but surprisingly, he confirmed her story. When I asked him what motivated him to act like that, he said that for him, such behavior was a way of being intimate. Apparently, his father treated his mother in a similar way, and mother tolerated it with some sort of humorous attitude (although it's hard to know how she really felt inside). Meanwhile, neither of the parents gave healthy attention to the son, but used criticism or manipulation to control him. No matter how much this man wanted fulfilling relationships, as long as he imitated his parents, he was unlikely to achieve more than frustration and disappointment. He wasn't motivated enough to give up his manipulative behavior, so his girlfriend eventually decided to leave him in spite of sorrow and love she still felt. Some months after, she told me she felt much more relaxed and confident, without someone around to constantly prod her and humiliate her. Eventually, she found a very healthy, kind and supportive partner. So no matter how many other interesting qualities somebody might have, if they keep sabotaging intimacy you might eventually have to let them go, except perhaps if you enjoy emotional masochism. Compassion doesn't equal self-sacrifice. You might want to check if you have some form of "savior complex" or a need to earn approval, originating from your early family. Perhaps you hope your partner would change in the way your parent(s) didn't change. It's not likely to happen, if your partner is not expressing strong, genuine motivation. If you are afraid of intimacy, can you imagine, even for a moment, how would it be if all parts of you - both parts you perceive as "strong" and parts you perceive as "weak" - could cooperate in a friendly way inside you, rather than fighting? Imagine how would it be if "stronger" parts of you were supportive of the more gentle ones, so that you can encourage yourself through emotional risk and vulnerability. How would it be to have the best of both worlds, a feeling of inner harmony? Perhaps you'd get in touch with inner resources and qualities you were lacking throughout most of your life. Perhaps not so much beauty of life would be missed. Yes, I'm a bit of an idealist. It's a good way to be. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 2.1 2.2 2.3 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 4.5 5.1 5.2 5.3 5.4 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 6.5 6.6 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 7.6 7.7 7.8 7.9 7.10 8.1 8.2 8.3 8.4 8.5 9.1 9.2 9.3 9.4 9.5 9.6 9.7 10.1 10.2 11.1 12.1 13.1 13.2
Svako dijete (osim možda onih sa specifičnim urođenim poremećajima) nastoji privući pažnju i odobravanje roditelja. "Mama, vidi me!", "Tata, idemo se igrati!" Ako su ti izrazi želje za povezanosti odbijeni hladno ili čak agresivno, ili ako se prividna bliskost koristi za manipulaciju i emocionalne ucjene, dijete može razviti osjećaj da je to normalno te da niti u drugim odnosima ne može očekivati nešto bolje. Agresivno-manipulativan odnos između roditelja, kao i obrazac emocionalnog incesta, može pojačati takve utiske. Ako dijete i ima primjer sretnih obitelji i toplih pojedinaca izvan vlastitog doma, može biti uvjereno da se ti ljudi samo dobro pretvaraju i da bi njihovo pravo lice izašlo na vidjelo unutar vlastita četiri zida. Takva osoba može ne samo naučiti zatvoriti se i bojati bliskih odnosa, nego može postati uvjerena da su njezini najljepši osjećaji - čežnja, ljubav, nježnost... - slabost koju treba ugušiti i odbaciti. Srela sam pametne, sposobne muškarce i žene koji su bili duboko uvjereni da se s takvim dijelovima sebe moraju boriti i izbjeći njihov utjecaj. Neki od takvih ljudi mogu biti nepredvidivi i nepostojani - konstantno u unutarnjem konfliktu, u kojem čas prevladava jedna strana, čas druga. Kontrola je važna riječ kod ovog obrasca. Strah od boli koju čovjek nosi u sjećanju može ga motivirati na izbjegavanje rizika, izbjegavanje osjećaja, nesposobnost da se opusti. Možda ćete očekivati podsmijeh, kritiku ili manipulaciju istog časa kad si dopustite emocije. Možda ćete pokušati kontrolirati druge ljude da vas ne bi povrijedili, koristeći pritom slične strategije koje su koristili vaši roditelji da bi kontrolirali vas, uključujući agresivnost i ponižavanje. Možete imati osjećaj da ako bi dopustili bliskost s nekom osobom, ubrzo bi se našli zarobljeni i u podređenom položaju. Svaki prigovor, potreba za kompromisom, pa čak i neslaganje može vam se činiti ugrožavajuće i manipulativno, bez obzira koliko konstruktivno izraženo. Možda nećete znati kako postaviti zdrave granice, pa ćete radije odustati od odnosa nego od svojih granica. Možda ćete biti takvi čak i sa vlastitom djecom, s obzirom da djeca provode dobar dio vremena testirajući tuđe granice. Možda se nećete moći čak niti iskreno smijati i zabavljati - čak i to može biti prejaki osjećaj odustajanja od kontrole. Takve osobe mogu biti vrlo uspješne s materijalne strane - potreba za neovisnošću i kontrolom tjera ih da ulože svu svoju energiju u osiguravanje statusa i financijske sigurnosti, a možda i nadmoći nad drugima. Rad može biti način izbjegavanja osjećaja i zamjena za bliske, ispunjavajuće odnose. Zamjene se mogu tražiti i na druge načine: u statusnim simbolima, ovisnostima, promiskuitetnom seksu i bilo kojim drugim aktivnostima koje odvraćaju pažnju sa emocija. Zdravi odnosi mogu takvoj osobi biti dosadni, te ona može stalno provocirati dramu da bi se osjećala "kao kod kuće". Odnos sa takvom osobom može biti vrlo bolan i frustrirajuć. Razumijevanje nije dovoljno, izražavanje ljubavi može biti odbijeno sa strahom i prezirom (ponekad i dosadom), a opraštanje će samo potaći nastavak istog ponašanja. Čak i ljudi koji su racionalno svjesni problema i njegovih posljedica, mogu imati otpore ili manjak motivacije da ulože vrijeme i trud u učenje drugačijeg ponašanja. Emocionalni rizici mogu ih previše plašiti. Mogu imati osjećaj da će sav njihov trud biti uzalud - kao što je i bilo u njihovoj obitelji. Unutarnje dijete ne razumije da se više ne radi o njihovoj obitelji. Pred neko vrijeme radila sam putem Skypea s parom u Australiji. Muškarac je bio vrlo topao, šarmantan, omiljen među prijateljima, ovisan o pažnji mnogobrojnih ljudi, ali prema svojoj djevojci se ponašao omalovažavajuće i uvredljivo, i to pogotovo na javnim mjestima. Kad je ona to rekla, očekivala sam da će on to negirati, ali začudo, on se složio. Pitala sam što ga navodi na to. Rekao je da je to za njega neka vrsta intimnosti. Ispostavilo se da se njegov otac na isti način odnosio prema njegovoj majci, a majka je to prihvaćala s nekom vrstom humora (mada ne znam koliko usiljenog). Istovremeno, niti otac niti majka nisu poklanjali zdravu pažnju sinu, nego su to činili kroz kritiku ili manipulaciju. Koliko god taj čovjek čeznuo za ispunjavajućim bliskim odnosima, dok god je imitirao svoje roditelje njegovi pokušaji da ih ostvari završavali su frustracijom i razočaranjem. On nije bio spreman odustati od kontrole, te ga je partnerica na kraju napustila unatoč boli i ljubavi koju je osjećala. Čula sam se s njom nekoliko mjeseci nakon prekida, kad mi je rekla da je puno opuštenija i samopouzdanija otkad ne mora stalno biti spremna na slušanje podbadanja i omalovažavanja. Lako moguće da ćete na kraju morati odustati od takvog odnosa, bez obzira koliko vaš partner imao drugih zanimljivih kvaliteta. Suosjećanje ne znači da morate žrtvovati sebe. Provjerite imate li neku vrstu spasiteljskog mentaliteta ili potrebe da zaslužite odobravanje, što nosite iz vlastite obitelji. Možda se nadate da će se vaš partner promijeniti kao što se vaši roditelji nisu promijenili. To je jednako malo vjerojatno, ako vaš partner sam ne izražava snažnu motivaciju. Ako ste osoba koja se boji bliskosti, možete li zamisliti, barem na trenutak, da svi dijelovi vas - i oni koje smatrate jakima, i oni koje smatrate slabima - mogu prijateljski surađivati umjesto neprestano se boriti? Zamislite kako bi bilo da "jači" dijelovi vas mogu podržavati one nježnije, tako da možete ohrabriti sebe kroz rizik i ranjivost. Kako bi bilo imati najbolje od oba svijeta, osjećaj unutarnje harmonije? Možda biste došli u kontakt sa kvalitetama i resursima koje trenutno nemate u većini svog života. Možda biste puno manje ljepote života propustili. Da, ja sam pomalo idealist. To je dobro stanje. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.