http___mentor-coach.eu_HR_articles_zlostavljanje2.html_1.xml
1.1 1.2 1.3 2.1 2.2 3.1 3.2 4.1 4.2 4.3 5.1 5.2 5.3 5.4 5.5 5.6 6.1 6.2 6.3 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 8.1 8.2 8.3 9.1 9.2 10.1 10.2 10.3 10.4 10.5 10.6 11.1 11.2 12.1 12.2 12.3 12.4 13.1 14.1 14.2
Victims of various forms of abuse might be aware they are abused, but not know what should they do - or sometimes they might believe it's all their fault. I had a few clients who were convinced they were abusers, and later it turned out they were guilt-tripped by their partners to believe that asking for healthy balance and expressing their needs was abuse. Words have power, and playing with words to twist one's perception of reality is one of the favorite weapons of abusers. One way or another, both abusers and their victims are conditioned (or self-taught) to justify and minimize abuse, and find excuses for the abuser (even if the victim often feels too much empathy and responsibility to be abusive in turn). Again, first focus on finding as many specific details as possible. Many victims were "trained" (or self-trained) as small children within unhealthy families to be particularly responsible, considerate, tolerant, and put their own needs last while taking care of others. Abusers can often "smell" such personality traits, and they usually start with mildly testing potential victims with off-hand criticism, manipulation and pushing boundaries, to see if the other person will conform and give ground. Victims usually need help with valuing their feelings and needs more (abusers primarily focus on their own needs). They need to understand they have the right to follow their own goals and values, and that being incompatible with another person is perfectly acceptable. You'll probably have to help them learn to avoid justifying themselves or trying to prove their point of view to their partners, and simply stick to their own values instead. An abuse victim will probably need help with resolving some kind of emotional bond with the abuser. A part os such a bond is often something called the Stockholm syndrome, which means that a victim often develops gratitude for small reliefs and rewards occasionally given by the abuser, as well as compassion for the abuser. However, there is another emotional pattern often originating in the victim's relationship with parents, which is reflected in the victim's hope of finally proving their own value and receiving approval from the abuser. A victim lives in hope that the abuser would soon recognize how easily and joyfully they could live in mutual understanding and cooperation (which doesn't happen because the abuser simply doesn't value such kind of happiness enough, compared with power and privilege). This is often the same kind of hope that keeps children bonded to immature parents, hoping for their love and approval, and it can be very difficult to give up. This is usually the most important emotional pattern to resolve. People who are prone to abuse, manipulation and control, often spontaneously choose empathetic and overly responsible people as partners (victims), because they feel on some level such a person could be more easily convinced to neglect their own needs and boundaries. A very empathetic person can feel an urge to stay with an abuser even when the abuse becomes obvious, hoping to help the abuser resolve their emotional trauma and feel loved. It's important to help such a victim understand that it almost certainly won't help, for the following reasons: Another source of confusion for an abuse victim can be being aware of some good personal traits of the abuser. It's easier for the victim to see the human being with virtues and faults in the abuser, than for somebody who only reads or hears about abuse. It's important to help the victim understand that one doesn't have to be a monster to be unhealthy, egotistic and violent. Help them understand that they don't have to hate someone or label them as a monster to leave them. Also, help them recognize the difference between personal traits and life values. Help the victim become aware that, whatever the abuser might (claim to) feel for them, it is NOT love. An abuser can desire their victim, be possessive about them, or even need them, but they still don't respect them or see them as a real human being. Healthy adult love is absolutely incompatible with control and violence. Help the victim recognize what kind of relationship they really want, and compare it to what they've got. Help them recover their self-esteem and trust in themselves - or to build them if they didn't have the chance to develop those qualities before. Abuse within families and intimate relationships is just one aspect of a culture that glorifies power, domination and control over others. How many people do you know who admire ruthless "strongmen" in world politics, and justify their crimes? I know some otherwise fairly intelligent people who do. How many times did you read online comments in which people admire manipulators or even thieves, and barely spare a thought for their victims? Or articles in which violent berserk soldiers are lauded as heroes? Or, just consider the traditional ideas of what does it mean to be "a real man". When you read about various events of violence, injustice and discrimination in the world, even if you are not tempted to blame the victims, do you notice yourself thinking something like, "Well, that's just how things are in this world" or, "This is not even so unusual", or, "That's how it's always been"? It's a sign that you are influenced by a culture that at least tolerates, if not justifies and approves of, injustice and violence. I hope and believe that things will be much better within 100 or 300 years, just like nowadays things are much better compared to early 20th century, not to mention all the earlier centuries. The progress wasn't stopped by the two world wars or any other crisis since. In the meantime, it's the responsibility of each of us who are now alive, to add a brick or two into the foundation of a better world, if possible by being a living example of it. We might not live to see this house being finished, but we can be among its creators. Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
1.1 1.2 1.3 2.1 2.2 2.3 2.4 3.1 3.2 4.1 4.2 4.3 5.1 5.2 5.3 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 8.1 8.2 8.3 9.1 10.1 11.1 12.1 12.2
Žrtve nasilja (bilo koje vrste) mogu biti svjesne da se radi o zlostavljanju, ali mogu biti zbunjene što da čine ili čak biti uvjerene da su same zlostavljači, ili barem da imaju znatnu ulogu u problemu. U svakom slučaju, i za žrtvu i za zlostavljača karakteristično je da opravdavaju i minimiziraju nasilje i nalaze izgovore za zlostavljača. Također tražite što više konkretnih detalja. Mnoge žrtve su u svojoj obitelji odmalena "trenirane", ili su same sebe istrenirale pod utjecajem okolnosti, da moraju biti pretjerano odgovorne, uviđavne, tolerantne i umanjiti važnost svojih potreba, a dati na značaju tuđima. Zlostavljači često "nanjuše" takve osobe i obično ih u početku lagano "testiraju" sitnim kritikama i manipulacijama, da bi vidjeli hoće li se žrtva prilagoditi. Žrtvama je u prvom redu potrebno pomoći da više vrednuju vlastite potrebe (zlostavljač će uglavnom govoriti o vlastitim potrebama), da shvate da u životu imaju pravo slijediti vlastite želje i vrijednosti, te da je nekompatibilnost s drugom osobom prihvatljiva. Vjerojatno ćete im trebati pomoći da u komunikaciji izbjegnu igre dokazivanja, opravdavanja i uvjeravanja, nego da se jednostavno drže svojih vrijednosti. Žrtvi ćete često trebati pomoći da razriješi neku vrstu emocionalne vezanosti za zlostavljača koja nastaje iz "stokholmskog sindroma" (zahvalnost zlostavljaču na sitnim pažnjama i nagradama), a često je prisutna i nada u dokazivanje vlastite vrijednosti i dobivanje potvrde da je ipak dobra osoba, odnosno nada da će se zlostavljač jednog dana osvijestiti i uvidjeti kako bi lijepo i lako bilo živjeti u međusobnom poštovanju i suradnji (što se ne događa zato jer zlostavljač jednostavno nije zainteresiran za takvu vrstu sreće i više vrednuje moć i privilegije). To je u pravilu vezano s nekim obrascem iz djetinjstva - nekom vrstom potrebe da se dokažemo roditelju ili dobijemo odobravanje od roditelja, te je to jedna od najvažnijih stvari na kojima treba raditi. Ljudi skloni zlostavljanju, manipulaciji i kontroli često spontano odabiru partnere koji su empatični i skloni pojačanoj odgovornosti, jer na nekoj razini znaju da će takvu osobu lakše pridobiti da stavi sebe u drugi plan. Posebno empatična i odgovorna osoba može osjećati pritisak da ostane sa zlostavljačem čak i kad je svjesna zlostavljanja, u nadi da će mu pomoći da prebrodi njegove emocionalne traume. Važno je osvijestiti žrtvi da se to gotovo sigurno neće dogoditi, zbog sljedećih razloga: Žrtve mogu biti posebno zbunjene zato što poznaju i dobre osobine zlostavljača i lakše će ga nego netko izvana vidjeti kao ljudsko biće s manama i vrlinama umjesto kao čudovište, pogotovo ako se radi o lakšim oblicima zlostavljanja i kontrole. Važno je žrtvi pomoći da razumije da netko ne mora biti čudovište da bi bio nezdrav, egocentričan i nasilan, te da može napustiti zlostavljača i bez da ga smatra čudovištem, pa i bez da ga etiketira nazivom zlostavljača. Također, pomozite žrtvi da prepozna razliku između osobina i životnih vrijednosti. Pomozite žrtvi da prepozna da je zlostavljač u biti NE VOLI, bez obzira koliko ponekad tvrdi suprotno. Možda je želi posjedovati ili čak osjeća potrebu za njom, ali je ne poštuje i ne doživljava kao potpunu osobu, a zdrava odrasla ljubav je apsolutno nespojiva s nepoštovanjem i kontrolom. Pomozite žrtvi da prepozna što stvarno želi u odnosu, a zatim da to usporedi s onim što dobiva. Pomozite joj da vrati narušeno samopoštovanje i povjerenje u sebe, ili da ga izgradi ako ga nije imala prilike izgraditi tokom odrastanja. Zlostavljanje unutar veza i obitelji je samo jedan od aspekata kulture glorificiranja moći, dominacije i kontrole. Koliko ljudi znate koji se dive "moćnicima" u svijetu i opravdavaju njihove zločine? Ja znam neke inače izuzetno inteligentne ljude koji to čine. Primijetite li, kad čitate o nasilju, nepravdi i diskriminaciji na raznim razinama društva - političkoj, ekonomskoj, pravnoj i slično - da pomislite nešto kao "pa, takav je očito život" ili "to i nije nešto neuobičajeno", "tako je oduvijek bilo" ili čak "sami su si krivi", pogotovo ako se radi o skupinama kojima ne pripadate? To je znak da ste pod utjecajem kulture koja opravdava, ako ne i promiče nasilje i nepravdu. Vjerujem da će stvari biti znatno bolje kroz kojih 100-300 godina, slično kao što možemo vidjeti znatne promjene u sadašnjosti u odnosu na početak 20. i pogotovo 19. stoljeća i ranije. U međuvremenu, na svakom od nas je da doda poneku ciglu u temelje promjene, koliko može i kad god može, u prvom redu kroz vlastiti primjer. Možda nećemo uživati u već izgrađenoj kući, ali možemo biti jedna od osoba koje je grade. Preporučujem i članak "Znakovi opasnosti u vezi". Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.