http___mentor-coach.eu_HR_articles_postavljanje-granica2.html_1.xml
1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 2.1 2.2 3.1 3.2 3.3 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 5.1 5.2 6.1 6.2 6.3 6.4 7.1 7.2 7.3 8.1 8.2 8.3 9.1 9.2 10.1 10.2 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4 12.1 12.2 12.3 13.1 14.1 14.2 14.3 14.4 14.5 15.1 15.2 15.3 15.4 15.5 15.6 15.7 16.1 16.2 16.3 17.1 17.2 17.3 17.4 18.1 18.2 19.1 20.1 20.2
Setting boundaries is equally important in an intimate partnership as in other relationships. Many people burden their partners with high expectations and needs, and therefore do not respect their boundaries. On the other hand, some people may give their partners too much space and avoid expressing their requirements. They may call this love, while acting out of fear and neediness. Then suppressed frustration builds up until it either explodes or slowly erodes trust and intimacy. So why not to stop this process at the beginning? Such lack of honesty is often due to a fear of abandonment. Many people learned early in their lives that, if they want to be loved, they cannot be who they are, or that love means that the needs of others are more important than their own. How can we recognize healthy boundaries and when do we disregard them? Pay attention to your subtle emotions and translate them into words as best you can. If you do not listen to your emotions, sooner or later you might get psychosomatic warning signals. Be aware that your boundaries might not be compatible with other people's. This is normal and there is no need to blame anyone. Through honest negotiations, you can explore what sort of relationship you want in such a case. If some people avoid honest negotiations by criticizing, blaming or giving you silent treatment, reconsider how much time you want to spend with them. If someone threatens our personal boundaries, it is not a good enough reason to react angrily, with either active or passive aggression. Anger and blame often signal suppressed fear and unresolved guilt, which we must accept and understand in order to deal with them efficiently. It is important to differentiate between decisiveness and aggression, as well as between permissiveness and compassion. This may be difficult for people who were taught to suppress their needs and feelings. They may react out of guilt mixed with fear and anger, if forced to set boundaries. This often occurs after a period of hiding emotions, repressing anger and accumulating resentment. Some people defend their personal boundaries decisively, yet also aggressively through blaming or criticizing others, even for the smallest of problems. The more aggression, the more suppressed fear and guilt you can expect. Such people are likely to have been badly insulted or hurt in childhood and decided to fight for themselves, but from a stance of “Do unto others before they do unto you”. This attitude often comes from fear that they could not protect themselves without attacking or degrading others. Often they had strong role models for such behavior. This is neither self-love nor self-esteem, rather a different way of expressing the same problem. Assume that people do not act with a conscious intention to insult or hurt you, except when openly aggressive or manipulative. If you understand that most people have not developed their consciousness of values and feelings of others, you need not react with anger (only irritation). It is usually inappropriate to express desires or requests with anger and accusations. Otherwise, we risk pushing people into defensiveness, damaging potential quality relationships. It is crucial to recognize, define and explain your boundaries, needs and desires to others early in relationships. If you avoid this, you may end up accumulating resentment. Most people did not learn to be sufficiently aware of others' nonverbal signals and cannot recognize indirect warnings. In such a case, you might delay expressing your needs until an emotional or even physical crisis occurs. Notice what stops you from calmly explaining to other people what you want and what is not acceptable to you, without fear, blame and anger. If you avoid making your boundaries clear, you will probably feel uncomfortable and limited in your communications. This may even lead you to push people away - blaming them for your discomfort rather than acknowledging your own emotions. The more you disrespect yourself and your needs, the more you are likely to disrespect other people and their needs, even if only inside your mind. It is good to remember this when questioning your own behavior and demands. It is easier to notice when our own boundaries are threatened; it might be challenging to recognize when we intrude on other people's boundaries. If we do not love ourselves, we may feel inferior when we recognize our faults and inappropriate behavior. Thus, we can be motivated to avoid questioning our motives. The more we accept ourselves, the more we can accept -and correct- our mistakes. We no longer live in medieval conditions in terms of physical security, but our society is still both verbally and emotionally violent. Even if we do not express hostility, we may desire to. Fear keeps (some) people from being openly rude, rather than appreciating or understanding others. Violence may remain in our thoughts or we may express it behind people's backs. We may accept this as normal, or justify it in similar ways like people in the Middle Ages accepted and justified physical violence. To some extent, we are still in the Middle Ages, even if only mentally. To change something outside of ourselves, we must first recognize it within. Self-criticism will not help us change how we relate to others. It can worsen the problem, causing inner conflict and suppression. Suppressed parts of ourselves then become stronger and more violent, seeking attention and recognition. To recognize other people's pain, we must first recognize our own. To understand how we hurt others, we must first become aware of how we hurt ourselves. We hurt ourselves every day, living lives we do not enjoy, remaining in surroundings we do not like, poisoning and neglecting our bodies, searching for something or somebody to save us from ourselves. This cannot change until we stop believing that people or circumstances dictate the choices we make and are hence responsible for us. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
1.1 2.1 2.2 3.1 4.1 5.1 6.1 6.2 7.1 8.1 9.1 10.1 11.1 11.2 11.3 12.1 12.2 12.3 12.4 13.1 13.2 13.3 13.4 13.5 14.1 14.2 14.3 15.1 16.1 17.1 18.1 18.2 19.1 20.1 20.2 20.3 21.1 21.2 21.3 21.4 22.1 23.1 24.1 24.2 25.1 26.1 26.2 27.1 27.2 28.1 29.1 30.1 30.2 31.1 32.1 32.2 32.3 33.1 33.2 33.3 34.1 34.2 35.1 36.1 37.1 37.2
Postavljanje granica jednako je važno i u ljubavnom odnosu kao i u bilo kojem drugom. U ovom području posebno, mnogi ljudi ili imaju pretjerana očekivanja i potrebe od druge osobe pa ne poštuju njezin osobni prostor, ili iz ljubavi (ili straha i potrebe?) previše popuštaju. Tada se nezadovoljstvo gomila dok ne dođe do eksplozije ili postupnog smanjivanja privlačnosti. Zašto to ne spriječiti odmah u početku? Obično zbog straha od napuštanja, koji većina od nas nosi jer su nas naučili da, ako želimo biti voljeni, ne smijemo biti ono što jesmo, ili da ljubav znači da su potrebe druge osobe važnije od naših. Kako prepoznati koje su zapravo naše granice i kad ih ne poštujemo? I tu ponavljam uobičajeni savjet: promatrajte suptilne emocije i nastojte ih što je bolje moguće prevesti u riječi. Ako vas emocije ne upozore dovoljno snažno, prije ili kasnije može vas početi upozoravati vaše fizičko tijelo. Ako primijetimo da netko ugrožava naše osobne granice, to nije razlog da se prema njemu postavimo iz pravedničke ljutnje, napadačkog ili obrambenog stava. Ljutnja i okrivljavanje samo su znak potisnutog straha i nerazriješene krivnje unutar nas samih, koje treba priznati i istražiti. Potrebno je naučiti razliku između odlučnosti i napada radi obrane, kao i između popuštanja i suosjećanja. To je u početku možda teško, jer smo svi toliko u pravilu naučili potiskivati svoje potrebe i granice da obično reagiramo krivnjom i mješavinom straha i ljutnje onda kad smo natjerani da ih postavimo - što je često tek nakon što prođe određeni period gutanja, popuštanja, i nakupljanja osjećaja nelagode. Neki ljudi brane svoje granice jako čvrsto, ali vrlo agresivno i uz okrivljavanje drugih i za sitnice. Oni također u biti reagiraju iz straha i krivnje, ali su ti osjećaji mnogo manje dostupni svijesti. Te osobe su vjerojatno u djetinjstvu bile dovoljno puta direktno povređivane da su odlučile boriti se za sebe, no to čine iz stava 'povrijedit ću te prije nego što ti povrijediš mene'. Taj stav u biti odražava strah, osjećaj nesigurnosti da mogu zaštititi sebe i voditi računa o sebi i bez direktnog napada i omalovažavanja drugih. To nije istinsko samopouzdanje i samopoštovanje, nego samo drugi oblik istog problema. Ako pretpostavimo da, osim u situacijama direktne agresivnosti ili manipulacije, ljudi ne djeluju sa svjesnom namjerom da nas povrijede ili iskoriste, nego jednostavno iz nedovoljno razvijene svijesti o vrijednosti i osjećajima drugih ljudi, nema razloga da reagiramo s ljutnjom. Gotovo je isto tako neprimjereno izraziti bilo koju drugu želju od druge osobe putem ljutnje i okrivljavanja. Na taj način ćemo odbiti drugu osobu od sebe i pokvariti odnos koji vjerojatno ima potencijala da bude kvalitetan. Ključno je prepoznati, definirati i objasniti svoje granice, potrebe i želje u što ranijoj fazi, prije nego što se počne nakupljati nezadovoljstvo. No većina nas nije naučila obraćati dovoljno pažnje na poruke naših tijela i emocija da bi ih mogli prepoznati odmah u početku. Tako često čekamo emotivnu, nekad čak i fizičku krizu, da bi reagirali. Primijetite takve situacije, i što vas sprečava, da smireno, bez straha, krivnje ili ljutnje objasnite drugoj osobi što želite, ili na što ne pristajete. Do mjere do koje to niste u stanju, vjerojatno se osjećate neugodno i tjeskobno u kontaktima s drugim ljudima, za što uzrok obično pripisujemo njima, a ne sebi. No isto tako, onoliko koliko ne poštujemo sebe i svoje potrebe, toliko vjerojatno u nekim drugim područjima ili situacijama ne poštujemo ni druge - čak i ako je to samo u mislima. Sve ovo dobro je imati na umu i dok preispitujemo vlastito ponašanje i zahtjeve od drugih. Lakše je primijetiti kad su naše granice ugrožene, nego kad mi to činimo nekome drugome. Ako ne volimo dovoljno sebe, primjećivanje vlastitih mana i neprikladnog ponašanja možemo osjećati kao poniženje. Što više cijenimo sebe, to si lakše možemo priznati, a time i ispraviti, pogreške. Uglavnom ne živimo više u srednjem vijeku što se tiče fizičke sigurnosti i fizičkog prostora, ali još uvijek smo kao društvo nasilni verbalno i emocionalno - ili čak samo u mislima. U pravilu će nas prije strah od reakcije drugih nego istinsko poštovanje prema njima zadržati da ne budemo još grublji. Tako grubost često ostaje samo u mislima ili razgovorima iza leđa. Prihvaćamo to jednako normalno i opravdavajući sebe, kao što su ljudi u srednjem vijeku prihvaćali fizičko nasilje. Donekle smo još uvijek u srednjem vijeku, samo što, kao ni tadašnji ljudi, toga nismo svjesni. Da bi se neko stanje promijenilo, potrebno ga je prvo prepoznati - unutar nas samih. Promjena odnosa prema drugima ne može se postići grubim i moralističkim zahtijevanjem promjene od sebe. Takav pristup je upravo ono što je problem i stvorilo. Oni dijelovi nas koje potiskujemo, prisiljeni su ojačati i postati grubi kako bi nas natjerali da ih poslušamo. Da bi prepoznali tuđu bol, moramo prvo prepoznati vlastitu - a da bi shvatili kako povređujemo druge, trebamo priznati povređivanje samih sebe. Svakodnevno omalovažavamo sebe, živeći život kakav ne želimo, ostajući u okolnostima koje nam se ne sviđaju, trujući svoje tijelo i tražeći nešto ili nekog drugog da nas spasi. To će se promijeniti tek kad prestanemo pripisivati odgovornost i moć ljudima i okolnostima izvan nas. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.