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The more we work on noticing details of our communications with others, the more we start to notice how much we usually miss. There are so many messages the person we talk to will send through very small nonverbal signals, the tone of their voice or their choice of words. Especially when other people may not choose to express themselves directly, or they are not aware of what they communicate, a great improvement in the relationship can be achieved if such messages are recognised. Often these are not details that would significantly decrease the quality of communication, which is one of the reasons we do not recognise them - the other reason is that we do not have the experience of how great improvement in relationships can be achieved through increased awareness. In many situations we do not pay enough attention to the meaning of what is communicated, and hence we end up not answering the right question at the right time. Everyone has experienced different resolved and unresolved arguments, or being told the thoughts of other people belatedly or indirectly. Sometimes important things can be explained and arguments avoided if we could recognise the problem, or correctly translate what the other person is saying, or find true words in which we could explain our position; but as in the case of many other truly important aspects of life we rarely take time to really pay attention to detail. Many people, when they are not sure what to say, attempt to answer too quickly. They respond with half-considered thoughts, clichés, empty witticisms, provocations, or simply withdraw to avoid conflict. It is completely different when in such situations we listen to our bodies and feel their messages. By listening to the feelings of your body and translating it to words you can recognise problems and seek healthy reactions more easily. This skill of inner awareness requires practice, given that in the midst of communication our focus is mostly external, which makes it more difficult to recognize subtle psychosomatic signals. People often say there is no point in controlling themselves, instead they want to relax and be spontaneous. The conflict between spontaneity and the effort to increase the quality of the communication becomes more common as soon as we invest time and energy in that direction. My experience shows, and this is easy to recognise amongst most people, that 'spontaneous' and automatic reactions, those answers and behaviours that emerge from us before we think things over, almost before we even notice, are most often acquired defense mechanisms, or idioms we learned from our childhood environment - not true and honest reactions that really express who and what we are. In such cases it is important to learn not to react automatically. We need to give ourselves time to feel what is the true answer that comes from our feelings ... providing that we have learned to be truthful to ourselves. That can be called the true spontaneity. Many people are, however, afraid to take the time and not answer immediately, as if they have learned to expect that the other person will utilise this time to 'outplay' and 'defeat' them in communication. The reality is quite the opposite: not only, in many situations, does the other person not have the need for this, but by giving ourselves time we are sending them a message at several levels - first that we care about the outcome of our communication and that we want to carefully think about everything that was said and what we will say, and secondly that we are aware, present and reacting with honest feelings (which automatically means an attitude of self respect). Also, in many situations when other people are communicating inappropriately, the time we spend to think about the answer often makes them also think about their own behaviour. Nonverbal communication carries the most important messages: not just conscious thoughts and feelings, but also the unconscious and unexpressed ones. However, we need to avoid the trap of black-and-white judgement and believing that a specific movement or gesture means exactly what we think it means. Many overly eager observers of nonverbal communication might annoy you trying to convince you that you are thinking what they think you are thinking... try not to become one of them. Every gesture and change in people's faces needs to be observed together with all other parts of verbal and nonverbal communication, instead of being "translated" separately. Different details in environment might influence the feelings of the person you talk to, as well as random thoughts, associations and memories. If the person is aware that you're observing his non-verbals, he might feel and show uneasiness about it, if worried to be incorrectly judged. As in many other areas of life, I suggest you to allow your feelings and intuition to create an impression of what is going on, rather than using only rational analysis. If we try to control our non-verbal communication to send a message different than what we really feel, we will usually fail, except if we are particularly good actors. The nature of non-verbal language is unconscious and thus honest, so even if we manage to control some parts of our bodies, the others will signal how we really feel. A better approach is to truly create the feelings we want to communicate - not just for external results, but for our own improvement. Every communication with other people, everything we tell them and the way we say it, influences their attitude toward us along with all further communication, i.e., how much will they trust us at another time and be open toward us. It's easy to escape in the 'spiritual realms' - yet every day communication is where true spirituality is: awareness, honesty and self-improvement. Often we say something like 'I did everything I could... I don't how to talk to that person anymore!' Is this really true? Was there something more we could have said or done... maybe even many things... but perhaps we did not have the willingness, patience or courage to do so? Often 'all I could do' really means 'all I could do without risking to be hurt or threatening my ego'. Similarly as with relating to our own selves, when we relate to others we need time and perseverance in order to exercise being present in the moment, deep awareness and sensitivity to all that occurs within us and in the communication. It is not always easy to learn to communicate our thoughts in honest and compassionate ways. However, once we learn this, our relationships- the most important thing for the quality of our lives - have a chance to flourish. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Što više vježbamo obraćati pažnju na detalje svoje komunikacije s drugima, sve više počinjemo primjećivati koliko zapravo propuštamo - toliko je sitnih poruka koje se prenose suptilnom neverbalnom komunikacijom, tonom glasa ili izborom određenih riječi, jer se druga osoba ne usuđuje izraziti ih direktno ili ih niti sama nije svjesna, a koje bi itekako poboljšale međusobni odnos kad bi bile primijećene i razjašnjene. Obično to nisu elementi koji će vidljivo smanjiti kvalitetu komunikacije, što je jedan od razloga zbog kojih ih ne prepoznajemo - no drugi razlog je što često niti nemamo iskustvo o tome koliki bi se skok i poboljšanje odnosa moglo napraviti kad bi naučili obraćati pažnju. Mnoge su situacije u kojima ne pratimo dovoljno što je rečeno ili se ne snađemo odgovoriti pravu stvar u pravom trenutku. Svatko ima iskustva različitih riješenih i nerazriješenih nesporazuma, ili mišljenja drugih ljudi koje saznaje naknadno i posredno... Ponekad bi važne stvari mogle biti razjašnjene i nesporazumi izbjegnuti da se prepoznalo problem, ili pravilno protumačile riječi druge osobe, ili našle prave riječi kojima bismo objasnili svoj stav, ali, kao i kod mnogih drugih istinski važnih aspekata života, rijetko si priuštimo uzeti vremena za to. Imam dojam da mnogi ljudi u situacijama kad nisu sigurni što bi rekli pokušavaju na brzinu smisliti odgovor pomoću racionalno naučenih ideja, nategnute duhovitosti ili provokacija, ili jednostavno izbjegnu ili odustanu od konfrontacije. Sasvim je druga stvar kad u takvim situacijama slušate svoje tijelo i osjećaje koje vam ono šalje. Slušajući osjećaj u trbuhu često ćete, prevevši ga u riječi, prepoznati problem i naći pravu reakciju. To treba uvježbati, jer u toku komunikacije u pravilu nam je pažnja usmjerena prema vani i mnogo je teže primjećivati suptilne psihosomatske reakcije. Često ljudi znaju reći da nema smisla kontrolirati se, nego da je važno prepustiti se i biti spontan. Konflikt između spontanosti i truda da učinimo komunikaciju kvalitetnijom uobičajen je čim počnemo ulagati vrijeme i energiju u tom smjeru. Moje je iskustvo, a to je lako primijetiti kod većine ljudi, da su 'spontane' i automatske reakcije, oni odgovori i ponašanje koji izađu iz nas prije nego što razmislimo, gotovo prije nego što i primijetimo, često naučeni obrambeni mehanizmi, ili načini izražavanja naučeni od okoline, a ne istinski i iskreni impulsi koji stvarno izražavaju ono što jesmo. Važno je naučiti ne reagirati automatski. Potrebno je dati si vremena da osjetimo koji je pravi odgovor naših osjećaja... podrazumijevajući da smo prije toga naučili biti iskreni prema sebi. Na neki način, kao da se većinom plašimo uzeti si vremena i ne odgovoriti istog trenutka, kao da smo naučili očekivati da će druga osoba iskoristiti to vrijeme da nas 'nadigra' i 'pobijedi' u komunikaciji. Stvarnost je u pravilu obratna: ne samo što u mnogim situacijama druga osoba nema uopće potrebe za tim, nego uzimajući sebi vremena, šaljemo joj poruku na više razina: jedna od njih je da nam je stalo do ishoda komunikacije i da pažljivo razmišljamo o svemu što je rečeno i što ćemo reći, a druga je da smo svjesni, prisutni i reagiramo iz iskrenih osjećaja (što automatski znači i stav samopoštovanja). Uz to, u mnogim situacijama kad se druga osoba postavila nepoželjno i neprikladno, vrijeme koje protekne do našeg odgovora često je potakne da razmisli o vlastitom ponašanju. Neverbalni govor je taj kroz koji se prenose one najvažnije poruke: ne samo svjesni, a neizraženi osjećaji i misli, nego jednako tako i oni nesvjesni. No, treba izbjeći zamku da se postavljamo kao vrhunski tumač i uvjeravamo sebe i druge da određeni pomak usta ili očiju znači upravo ono što mu mi pripisujemo. Mnogi nadobudni promatrači neverbalnog govora mogu vas iritirati uvjeravajući vas da vi mislite ono što oni misle da vi mislite, pa nastojte ne postati jedan od njih. Svaku gestu i promjenu mimike potrebno je usporediti sa svim ostalim elementima neverbalnog, kao i verbalnog govora, umjesto da se tumači odvojeno. Također, elementi situacije mogu utjecati na osjećaje osobe, kao i slučajne misli, asocijacije i sjećanja, te također i nelagoda ako je osoba svjesna da sve to promatrate (nelagoda koju ćete mnogostruko povećati brzopletim tumačenjem!), slično kao što na detektoru laži nevini osumnjičenici mogu pokazivati veću uzrujanost od krivih ako su u strahu da ne budu pogrešno shvaćeni i krivo optuženi. Preporučujem, kao i kod mnogih drugih aspekata života, da tumačenje neverbalne komunikacije druge osobe radije prepustite svojim osjećajima i ukupnom dojmu, umjesto svjesnoj i racionalnoj analizi. Ako svjesno pokušavamo kontrolirati svoj neverbalni govor da bi poslali poruku koju ne osjećamo istinski, to je u pravilu neuspješno, osim kod iznimno vještih glumaca. Priroda neverbalnog govora je iskreno izražavanje, te ako i uspijemo kontrolirati neke dijelove tijela, drugi će poslati pravu poruku. Ono na čemu trebamo raditi - radi samih sebe još i više nego radi rezultata - je da kod sebe razvijemo iskrene osjećaje koje želimo prenijeti neverbalnim govorom. Svaka komunikacija s drugom osobom, sve što joj kažemo i način na koji to kažemo, utječu na njezin odnos prema nama i daljnju komunikaciju - tj. koliko će u nekoj drugoj prilici ona imati povjerenja da se otvori prema nama. Lako je bježati u 'duhovne sfere' - svakodnevna komunikacija je mjesto gdje počinje prava duhovnost. Često kažemo nešto kao 'Učinila sam sve što sam mogla... ne znam više kako razgovarati s tom osobom!' No, je li to stvarno istina? Postoji li možda još nešto što smo mogli reći ili učiniti... ali nemamo volje, skromnosti ili hrabrosti? Možda čak i mnogo toga? Često 'sve što smo mogli učiniti' u realnosti znači 'sve što smo mogli učiniti bez da riskiramo previše ili ugrozimo svoj ego'. Slično kao i u odnosu sa samima sobom, i u odnosima s drugima potrebno je vrijeme i ustrajnost da se uvježba puna prisutnost u trenutku, duboka svjesnost i senzitivnost za sve što se događa u nama i unutar nas. Još je teže naučiti iskomunicirati svoje dojmove na iskren i suosjećajan način. No jednom kad to naučimo, naši odnosi - ono najvažnije za kvalitetu života - imaju priliku procvjetati. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.