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from Salon.com Excerpted from “No Kidding: Women Writers on Bypassing Parenthood” edited by Henriette Mantel. Available from Seal Press, a member of the Perseus Books Group. Copyright 2013. I don’t have children, and I am not sure if I have wanted them or never wanted them. It’s weird not to be able to decide. Kids are great, and many of my friends now have almost-grown-up kids, like in their late teens and early 20s, and I see these tall beings I once held in my arms, and I am alarmed, amused, and I want to cry, just for the passage of time and how it grows us like plants. I think about how, during all these years they’ve grown up, I must have grown down. That’s awful to realize. Korean children get a lot of fuss made over them, I guess because life was tough in the old country, and it was a big deal if you survived. There’s a big party thrown when you are 100 days old, followed by another when you make it to one whole year. My parents took a lot of pictures of me at these parties, although I don’t remember a thing as I was really drunk at both. From the pictures I see the cake, though — all these big multicolored rice cakes, each pastel stripe a steamed layer of pounded and steamed rice flour, not sweet like birthday cake but a delicious treat all the same. It looks like a chewy Neapolitan ice cream, or a gay pride flag made of carbs. It’s the best and I want it, but I think wanting that cake isn’t enough reason to have a baby. My mother goes crazy over babies. Some people just do. They love ’em! I never have. Babies scare me more than anything. They’re tiny and fragile and impressionable — and someone else’s! As much as I hate borrowing stuff, that is how much I hate holding other people’s babies. It’s too much responsibility. Of course they are lovely and warm and adorable, and it’s so funny when they decide they like you and hold you in return, but I am frightened of doing something wrong that will alter them forever. Give them a weird look and they might be talking to their therapist about me 50 years later. My mom has none of this fear. She loves kids to the degree that she will talk to other moms about their kids — she’s always done this — even white moms! This was so embarrassing when I was growing up. I was like, “Mom! Shut up! They’re WHITE!” When it comes to children, my mom doesn’t believe in borders. She loves all children, and that’s a good example of mothering the world. I need to do that, but before I can, I need to get over my fear of kids in the first place. It might not be a fear of kids themselves, as in truth I usually get along with them pretty well. They like my tattoos and my uncomplicated child/adult face. They identify with my orange shoes. I look like I would let them get away with stuff, and I do. My fear of having children is that, frankly, I just don’t want to love anyone that much. I have my own problems with love, and I have processed and played the same games for a lifetime, but what if I had to do that with someone I actually MADE?! (Or went all the way to China and adopted. This is not a joke — I have long thought I would adopt one of those baby girls from China, because really, who’s going to know the difference?) I don’t know if I could stand that kind of commitment, or, if I am really honest, I don’t think I could handle being that vulnerable to someone else. My child would have my heart completely — having never truly given that over, in all my relationships in my life, starting with myself, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
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iz Salon.com Izvadak iz knjige "Ne šalite: spisateljice na Zaobilaženje Parenthood" uredio Henriette Mantel. Dostupno od Seal Press, član Perzej Knjige Grupe. Autorska prava 2013. Nemam djecu, a ja sam ne siguran ako sam ih htio ili nije ih željela. Čudno je da ne bude u mogućnosti da se odlučite. Djeca su velika, a mnogi moji prijatelji sada imaju gotovo-odrasla djeca, kao u svojim kasnim tinejdžerskim godinama i ranim 20-tim, i vidim te visoka bića Jednom sam se održavale u mojim rukama, a ja sam uznemirena, zabavlja, i ja želim plakati, samo za vremenom i kako nam raste kao i biljke. Ja razmišljam o tome kako je tijekom svih ovih godina što ste odrasli, valjda sam odrastao dolje. To je strašno shvatiti. Korejski djeca dobiti puno muke napravio nad njima, valjda zato što je život bio tvrd u staroj zemlji, a to je velika stvar, ako ste preživjeli. Postoji veliki party bačena kada su oko 100 dana, nakon čega slijedi još jedna kad bi ga na jednu cijelu godinu. Moji roditelji su puno slika od mene u tim strankama, iako se ja ne sjećam kad sam bio jako pijan na oboje. Iz slika vidim tortu, iako - sve te velike raznobojnim riža kolača, svaki pastelno pruga na pari sloj pounded i pari rižinog brašna, ne slatko poput rođendanske torte, ali ukusna poslastica svi isti. Izgleda chewy napuljske sladoleda, ili gay pride zastavu izrađen od ugljikohidrata. To je najbolji i ja to želim, ali mislim da žele da kolač nije dovoljno razloga da imaju dijete. Moja majka poludi preko bebe. Neki ljudi jednostavno napraviti. Vole 'em! Nikada nisam. Bebe me uplašiti više nego išta. Oni su mali i krhak i osjetljiv - i tuđe! Koliko god mrzim posuđivanje stvari, to je koliko mrzim drži tuđe djece. To je previše odgovornost. Naravno, oni su lijep i topao i sladak, i to je tako smiješno kada se odluče da ti se sviđa i vas držati u povratku, ali ja sam uplašen da radi nešto krivo da će ih mijenjati zauvijek. Dajte im čudan izgled i da bi mogli biti u razgovoru s njihovog terapeuta o meni 50 godina kasnije. Moja mama je nitko od tog straha. Ona voli djecu do te mjere da će razgovarati s ostalim mamama o svojoj djeci - ona uvijek radi toga - čak i bijele mame! To je bilo tako neugodno kad sam odrastao. Bio sam poput: "Mama! Šuti! Oni su bijeli! Kad je riječ o djeci, moja mama ne vjeruje u granicama. Ona voli svu djecu, i to je dobar primjer majčinstva svijet. Moram to učiniti, ali prije nego što mogu, moram preboljeti moj strah od djece na prvom mjestu. To ne može biti strah od djece same, kao u istinu i obično se zajedno s njima prilično dobro. Oni vole svoje tetovaže i moj nekompliciran dijete / odrasle lice. Oni identificiraju sa svojim narančastim cipelama. Ja izgledam kao da bi neka ih izvući stvari, a ja ne. Moj strah od rađanja djece je da se, iskreno, ja jednostavno ne želim voljeti nekoga toliko. Ja imam svoje probleme s ljubavi, a ja sam obraditi i igrao iste igre za cijeli život, ali što ako sam morao to učiniti s nekim tko sam zapravo napravio ?! (Ili je otišao sve do Kine i usvojen Ovo nije šala -.? Imam dugu Mislio sam da će usvojiti jedan od onih beba djevojčica iz Kine, jer stvarno, tko će znati razliku) Ja ne znam da li bih mogao podnijeti takvu predanost, ili, ako sam stvarno iskren, ja ne mislim da sam mogao nositi u tome da osjetljivi na nekoga drugoga. Moje dijete će imati moje srce u potpunosti - što nikada nije istinski obzirom na to da više, u svim mojim odnosima u mom životu, počevši od sebe, ne bih ni znao gdje početi.