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Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted - welcomed - just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you'd agree that it's a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few people even recognize it's what they need most. Some of us might have had such an experience in the first year of two of our lives, but too early to recall. Some might've not even felt it at that age, which probably means they developed some kind of attachment problem, which makes it more difficult to create such a relationship in the future, too. Even when we are in a good love relationship, it often turns out that it was based more on projections, transference or just sexual attraction, rather than on true recognition of the other person. We might feel it subconsciously in such a case, which makes it more difficult to fully relax even when in love. Can you imagine feeling welcome? For me, a good word to describe such a feeling is refuge; At least a temporary shelter and release of all the stress, conflict and ugly news we face day by day. Sadly, few people feel like this even within their families - and even fewer people know how to give it to others. Once you recognize it's a feeling you want, you might increase your expectations of others and be even more dissapointed. Be aware that nobody owes you such a thing. This kind of acceptance can only be offered, not demanded. Seek people who already have this attitude and ability, rather than people you'd have to prod and beg to accept you. If you want other people to see your true face, you need to show it. Some people wear a mask of toughness, and later are surprised and complain if others don't see the warmth inside them. Many people wear a mask they believe is socially expected - and if the mask receives approval and praise, they feel lonely and unseen as who they truly are. People cannot and don't have to read your mind (even if our instincts are quite fine-tuned to reading non-verbal signals). If you are used to wearing a mask, it might be time to unlearn this habit, at least starting with chosen friends and family members. You might feel uncomfortable at first, but it's likely that your real self will be more interesting and lively than any mask you are used to, and therefore more attractive. No matter what you do and what kind of person you are, there will always be people who will approve of you and people who'll criticize you. Why not let go of your mask then, so at least you can connect to people who like the true you? (Just make sure that you express the best version of yourself and do not hurt other people in process.) Similarly, you are unlikely to receive something you are not willing to give. Do you try to see people beyond their looks and their masks? Even beyond their mistakes and faults? (Don't exaggerate with the latter, though, and confuse seeing people's potential with neglecting your boundaries.) There are people who are truly mean and selfish, but the majority is just confused and damaged by unhealthy environment. Exaggerated expectations are counter-productive, both of yourself and others. Stress, lack of time, accumulated unpleasant experience and disappointment, instincts that might be overly alert to potential danger... to be accepting of other people might make you feel vulnerable, especially if you are emotionaly sensitive. Most other people have similar obstacles, too. Yet we could at least start with trying to see people around us fully, not just externally but their inner selves; not just the behavior and emotions they express, but also the causes of such emotions and behavior. Once there is recognition, acceptance becomes easier. Be alert to staying in balance, though. Be aware that acceptance of others doesn't mean neglecting yourself and ignoring possible problems. It's perfectly possible to be primarily focused on recognizing the good in people, while still having firm boundaries and being able to say, "No.". It's only important that you can do it in a friendly and respectful way. You might feel that it's difficult to find people who would see and accept who you are (especially if you are an introvert or shy). In that case, start with accepting yourself. After all, you can only ever fully count on yourself forever. Even if the relief and pleasure are deeper if acceptance is received from somebody else, external experience rarely result in lasting internal change. True change happens when you can welcome your own self, recognize your own core rather than believing demeaning comments you heard or still hear from others. Then you can find the refuge within - and such a refuge is forever. Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Jeste li se ikad osjećali potpuno viđeni i prihvaćeni, takvi kakvi jeste, ovdje i sada? Možda bi se složili da je taj osjećaj bolji od seksa, značajniji od gubitka nevinosti, dublji čak i od zaljubljenosti. A opet, ne samo da malo ljudi u svijetu to stvarno uspije doživjeti, nego malo ljudi čak i prepoznaje da je to ono što im je najviše potrebno. Neki taj osjećaj možda doživimo u prvih godinu-dvije života, ali prerano da bi se sjećali. Neki nemaju niti to rano iskustvo, što znači da su vjerojatno razvili poremećaj vezivanja koji otežava da i u budućnosti ostvare takav odnos. Čak i kad smo u sretnoj ljubavnoj vezi, nerijetko se ispostavi da se ona nije temeljila na stvarnom prepoznavanju osobe, nego na projekcijama, transferima, ili uglavnom čisto seksualnoj privlačnosti. Tada u pravilu podsvjesno i osjećamo nedostatak stvarnog prihvaćanja, pa se nećemo potpuno opustiti u takvoj vezi. Možete li zamisliti taj osjećaj? Jedna od najboljih riječi koja ga opisuje je utočište: barem privremeni zaklon i otpuštanje svih stresova, sukoba i ružnih vijesti s kojima se suočavamo iz dana u dan. Nažalost, teško je to doživjeti od drugih ljudi - a može biti još i teže dati takvo prihvaćanje drugima. Jednom kad znate da takav odnos želite, možete to početi tražiti od drugih i imati veća očekivanja, a time i više razočaranja. Budite svjesni da vam nitko ništa ne duguje. Takva vrsta prihvaćanja može se samo ponuditi, ne zahtijevati. Potražite ljude koji to daju slobodno jer već takav stav i sposobnost imaju u sebi; ne one koje bi morali nagovarati. Kako bi drugi ljudi mogli prepoznati vaše stvarno lice, trebate ga pokazati. Neki ljudi nose masku grubosti, pa se zatim čude i žale što drugi ne prepoznaju unutarnju toplinu. Mnogi ljudi nose društveno prihvatljivu masku - ili barem onu za koju vjeruju da je društveno prihvatljiva - pa se osjećaju usamljeno i napušteno kad ta maska dobije odobravanje i pohvale, dok pravo ja ostaje neprimijećeno. Ljudi vam ne mogu i ne moraju čitati misli. Ako ste navikli nositi maske, možda je vrijeme da ih naučite skinuti, barem počevši s odabranim pojedincima. Možda ćete se osjećati nelagodno u početku, ali vjerojatno je da će vaše stvarno ja biti zanimljivije i življe, pa time i privlačnije od vaše maske. Uostalom, bez obzira kakvi ste i što radite, uvijek će biti ljudi koji će to odobravati i ljudi koji će vas kritizirati. Zašto onda ne skinuti masku, pa se onda barem možete povezati s ljudima koji vas stvarno cijene takve kakvi jeste? Isto tako, teško ćete dobiti nešto što sami ne dajete. Trudite li se vidjeti ljude ispod njihovih fasada i površine? Čak i površinskih pogrešaka i mana? Mada ima ljudi koji jesu zlonamjerni, daleko veći broj ljudi je samo zbunjeno i oštećeno nezdravim odgojnim metodama. (Nemojte ipak izaći iz ravnoteže; prepoznavanje potencijala ljudi ne znači i zanemarivanje vlastitih granica.) Pretjerana očekivanja su kontraproduktivna, i od sebe i od drugih. Poznato vam je, vjerujem: žurba, stres, nagomilana neugodna iskustva i razočaranja, instinkti koji nas upozoravaju - potpuno prihvatiti drugu osobu lako se može činiti opasno, ponekad pogotovo emocionalno ranjivijim ljudima. To vrijedi kako za nas, tako i za svakoga drugoga. No, možemo početi time da nastojimo ljude oko sebe potpuno vidjeti, prepoznati: ne samo izvana nego iznutra, ne samo ponašanje i emocije, nego i uzroke tih ponašanja i emocija. Jednom kad postoji prepoznavanje, i prihvaćanje postaje puno lakše. Budite također svjesni da prihvaćanje drugih ne znači zanemarivanje sebe i ignoriranje mogućih problema. Savršeno je moguće biti usmjereni na prepoznavanje dobroga u ljudima, a opet imati čvrste granice i znati reći "ne". Bitno je da to možete učiniti prijateljski i s poštovanjem. Možda je teško naći osobu koja bi vas potpuno prepoznala i prihvatila. U tom slučaju, krenite od prihvaćanja samih sebe. Uostalom, jedino na sebe možete potpuno i zauvijek računati. Mada je osjećaj olakšanja i opuštanja intenzivniji ako dođe od nekoga drugoga, to često ne traje i ne rezultira stvarnim promjenama. Do prave promjene dolazi kad možete sami sebe prihvatiti, prepoznati u svojoj suštini umjesto da vjerujete toksične stvari koje su vam drugi rekli ili vam još uvijek govore. Tada možete naći utočište unutar samih sebe - a takvo utočište je trajno. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.