http___mentor-coach.eu_HR_articles_poremecaji_vezivanja.html_1.xml
1.1 1.2 2.1 3.1 4.1 4.2 5.1 5.2 5.3 6.1 6.2 7.1 7.2 8.1 8.2 8.3 8.4 9.1 9.2 9.3 10.1 10.2 10.3 10.4 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4 11.5 12.1 12.2 13.1 13.2 13.3 13.4 14.1 14.2 14.3 14.4 15.1 15.2 15.3 16.1 16.2 16.3 16.4 16.5 17.1 17.2 17.3 17.4 18.1 18.2 18.3 19.1 19.2 19.3 19.4 20.1 20.2 20.3 21.1 21.2 21.3 22.1 22.2 23.1 23.2 24.1 24.2 25.1 26.1 26.2 27.1 28.1 28.2
Adult attachment theory includes patterns of emotional attraction, as well as immature emotions or age regression, joining them into a systematic overview of several most common approaches to love relationships. The basic idea is that the way parents treat a small child greatly influences the way the child (and later the adult) perceives emotional intimacy, and what they learn to expect from close relationships. The theory itself is not something new - I've already written a lot on the topic of immature parents and how they influence their children's adult relationships - but this kind of systemic approach brings another level of insight. There are 4 basic attachment styles, and 3 of them can turn into attachment disorders if emotions are strong enough (especially if combined with low-quality life values): Most sources I found dedicated only a few sentences to the secure attachment style, probably presuming that it's self-explanatory (an interesting idea, said one of my clients). So here is my perspective of the secure style: In short, people with secure attachment style have a positive attitude toward emotional intimacy, they are relaxed in giving and receiving love, but they also retain their own identity. If they feel their boundaries are threatened, they try to find balance and discuss the problem respectfully. They don't feel a need to control their partners, but they seek cooperation. Such people usually had fairly healthy relationships with parents, at least in the first few years of their lives - meaning, parents were able to recognize and respond to the baby's needs. Even if later in their childhoods the relationship with parents worsened, or parents used some unhealthy child-rearing strategies, the early experience of safe closeness stays imprinted in their subconscious minds. Of course, these categories are never simple and "clean", there is no clear boundary between them, so people with primary secure attachment style can express aspects of other attachment styles, too, depending of specific influences in their early environments, and of the behavior of their current partners. For example, in a relationship with a person with an anxious attachment style, who infringes on their boundaries too much, they might start showing some behaviors more typical for the dismissive-avoidant style. All other attachment styles include some (conscious or unconscious) unpleasant expectations of emotional intimacy, as well as more or less need for control over one's partner. Such people often develop certain compensatory roles and games (or learn them from their parents), which reduces their authenticity in communication. This often creates circumstances in which the negative attitude becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, which can create a vicious circle of disappointment. In worse cases, such attitudes become attachment disorders, not just mildly problematic habits. The core cause of insecure attachment styles, and especially attachment disorders, are inadequate responses of parents to a child's needs. This includes not only neglect and violence, but also intrusiveness and unhealthy bonding, such as emotional incest or too much control over a child. People with avoidant attachment styles in particular are not only not likely to have received adequate support and care, but they often had to support their own parents in some ways, sacrificing themselves in the process. If you hear of somebody referred to as a "doormat", they probably have the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. These people tend to value a love relationship over most other life values, sometimes even over their own identity, even when a relationship is toxic. To keep a relationship, they can often disregard their own boundaries doing what is expected of them - or what they think is expected of them. They need continuous reassurance that they are accepted and worthy of love. People with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style are very sensitive to even small changes in a partner's mood and behavior. They can easily overreact to such signals, finding in them proofs that their partners don't love them enough or are not pleased with them. Trying to avoid insecurity and to assuage their fears of losing a relationship, they can make continuous, sometimes excessive requests that their partners reaffirm their love for them. This, combined with their need to please, might make their partners feel that their boundaries are under attack. Or, such people can allow their partners to control and manipulate them. In a more extreme version, they can play a victim role, using manipulation, passive aggression and emotional blackmail. In an even worse extreme, they can become pathologically jealous. You can easily guess such a person has probably been neglected by their parents, or - perhaps even worse - their parents were unpredictable and inconsistent. Such a child feels that no matter how hard they try, it's never enough. To protect themselves from the feeling they cannot rely on their parents, they take the blame upon themselves (unconsciously, of course) and their self-image becomes very negative. Their innate temperament is usually quite empathetic and cooperative. In a relationship, they have a strong unconscious need to reaffirm their worth, resolve suppressed painful emotions, and gain (earn?) the approval they didn't receive from their parents. Usually, it's one of the avoidant types that provides such a challenge and "helps" them reenact the atmosphere from their childhoods. This can end up in toxic and painful codependency. Even if they are abused, their emotional needs from childhood might keep them in a relationship for a long time. Anxious-avoidant attachment style is defined by an ongoing internal conflict: similar emotional needs, fears and low self-esteem as the anxious-preoccupied style on one hand, and fear of vulnerability and intimacy (often disguised as anger) on the other hand. In short, this is quite a tumultuous hybrid between the anxious-preoccupied style above and the dismissive-avoidant style below. A relationship with such a person can be particularly turbulent (and some people are attracted to such turbulence). Just like with other types of chronic internal conflict, as soon as one side of the conflict is assuaged, the other builds up. In this case, as soon as the need for closeness is somewhat fulfilled, the need to sabotage the relationship to avoid intimacy takes over, and the other way around. Such people often "make mountains out of molehills", create unpleasant scenarios in their heads and then act as if they were true. Their fears of disappointment or being abused prevent them from calming down and seeing other possibilities. They might oscillate between blaming and demeaning themselves, then their partners, and so on in cycles. Their early family relationships were usually full of various types of neglect and/or abuse. The child probably experienced ongoing disappointment, hurt and abandonment (physical or emotional). Similarly like with the previous type, unstable and unpredictable parents can be particularly detrimental, making children feel that they can never relax and feel safe. Again, this type of person has a great need for external approval and proofs of love, but few if any such proofs have a lasting effect because of the deeply ingrained negative self-image. Early family environment was also unhealthy, but in such a way that a child created an unconscious perception of intimacy as dangerous, suffocating and a threat to one's own identity and freedom. Such people have as children unconsciously chosen the other extreme compared to the anxious-preoccupied style: they decided they don't need close relationships, they are emotionally independent, and intimacy should be avoided. The innate temperament of these type of people often leans more toward the instinct for power, especially compared to the anxious-preoccupied attachment style (although this is hardly the most important factor), and often they follow a family role model of similar behavior. As a support (or the cause) of the decision to avoid intimacy, this type of people usually develop a scornful, critical attitude toward people who they perceive as a threat to their emotional detachment and autonomy, i.e. their (potential) partners. They mistrust others and expect bad intentions from others. They feel a need to protect themselves from pain and disappointment by avoiding and dismissing emotions in general, so they can become very logical at the expense of their emotional intelligence and maturity. They keep their guard up, guided by the idea, "I'll abandon you before you abandon me". This doesn't necessarily mean the dismissive-avoidant type avoids romance, especially if their libido is high, but they will find ways to keep their partners at a distance, not only externally, but also within their own minds. In milder cases, there can be a more or less subtle need to (mentally) criticize the partner, avoiding clarifying emotions, unreliability, discomfort with giving and receiving emotional (or other) support; they might be workoholic or use various other activities that decrease the chance for spending intimate time together. In more difficult cases, this can manifest as "blowing hot and cold", promiscuity or verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse. This type of people like to have power and control over their partners (and sometimes other people, too), because otherwise they are afraid of being controlled by others. That's why they often choose partners with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. To control their partners, they can use various forms of manipulations, including trying to decrease their partners' self-esteem. In a milder version, people with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style can be fairly warm and emotional inside, even shy and quiet, but they might encounter unexpected and unwanted emotional blocks when faced with a chance for emotional intimacy with someone. Such blocks can manifest in subtle ways, such as overly high criteria when choosing partners, suspiciousness and questioning the future of a promising relationship, overreacting to a partner's faults, unrealistic fears, falling in love with unavailable people and/or fantasizing about an ideal "soulmate" partner (sometimes that includes idealizing a love interest from their past). To avoid unwanted contact with unpleasant family members, these people often quite early develop a cold, "closed" facial expression and body language. When they grow up, they might not even be aware of this, and might be confused why other people avoid close contact with them, while their partners complain about their emotional unavailability. Just like other attachment styles/disorders, it's important to understand that all these defenses were developed as survival strategies, and do not represent true identity and true emotional needs of these people. A person with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style might suffer just as much as anybody else after losing a relationship - sometimes more, as they might don't have a network of friends for emotional support - but they will often suppress and deny their suffering, and dismiss their own emotional needs. Part 2: attachment disorders in parenthood & how to change an attachment style "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
1.1 1.2 2.1 3.1 4.1 4.2 5.1 5.2 5.3 6.1 6.2 7.1 7.2 8.1 8.2 8.3 9.1 9.2 10.1 10.2 10.3 10.4 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4 11.5 12.1 12.2 12.3 13.1 14.1 14.2 14.3 15.1 15.2 16.1 17.1 17.2 18.1 18.2 19.1 19.2 20.1 20.2 21.1 21.2 21.3 21.4 22.1 22.2 22.3 23.1 23.2 24.1 24.2 25.1 26.1 26.2 27.1 28.1 29.1 29.2
Poremećaji vezivanja kao tema obuhvaćaju obrasce romantične privlačnosti i nezrelih emocija, odnosno dobne regresije, te ih objedinjuju ih u sustavan pregled nekoliko najčešćih načina pristupa intimnim vezama. Temeljna postavka je da način na koji roditelji pristupaju djetetu oblikuje kako će to dijete (i kasnije odrasla osoba) percipirati bliskost i što će očekivati od bliskih odnosa. Sama teorija je daleko od nepoznate - većina mojih članaka već se bavi temom posljedica nezdravih roditelja i njihovog odgoja na djecu i njihove odnose u odrasloj dobi - ali ovakva sistematizacija donosi još jednu dodatnu razinu uvida. Razlikuju se 4 osnovna stila vezivanja: Ovaj stil je rijetko detaljno opisan, vjerojatno zato što autori smatraju da su njegove karakteristike samorazumljive (zanimljiva ideja, reče jedan moj klijent). Evo moje perspektive obilježja sigurnog stila: Ukratko, ovakva osoba ima pozitivan stav prema bliskosti, opuštena je u izražavanju i primanju ljubavi, ali pritom zadržava i vlastiti identitet. Ako osjeti da su joj osobne granice ugrožene, nastoji naći ravnotežu i konstruktivno razgovarati. Nema potrebu kontrolirati partnera, nego teži suradnji. Takva osoba je kao dijete imala relativno zdrav odnos s roditeljima, pogotovo u prvih par godina života, odnosno roditelji su prepoznavali i reagirali na potrebe malog djeteta. Čak i ako je u kasnijem djetinjstvu došlo do pogoršanja odnosa u obitelji i nezdravih odgojnih strategija, primaran osjećaj sigurne bliskosti obično ostaje zapisan u podsvijest. Naravno, ove kategorije nikad nisu "čiste", ne postoji jasna granica među njima, pa tako neke osobe kod kojih prevladava sigurni stil vezivanja mogu povremeno izražavati i elemente ostalih stilova, ovisno o specifičnim utjecajima pri odrastanju kao i ponašanju osobe s kojom su trenutno u vezi. Npr. ako su u vezi s osobama kod kojih dominira tjeskobni stil vezivanja, mogu početi pokazivati elemente jednog od izbjegavajućih stilova, ako im se čini da će na takav način bolje obraniti vlastite granice. Svi ostali stilovi uključuju relativno negativna očekivanja od bliskosti (svjesna ili nesvjesna) te manje ili više potrebe za kontrolom nad partnerom. Često se igraju uloge, odnosno osoba nije autentična u izražavanju. Sve to nerijetko vodi tome da negativan stav postaje samoispunjavajuće proročanstvo, što može stvoriti začarani krug. Uzroci nezdravih stilova vezivanja su neadekvatne reakcije roditelja na potrebe djeteta, ne samo zanemarivanje ili nasilje, nago i pretjerana vezanost, odnosno emocionalni incest i/ili pretjerana kontrola. Posebno za izbjegavajuće stilove je karakteristično da ne samo da nisu dobivali adekvatnu podršku roditelja, nego su sami morali na neki način podržavati roditelje, pritom žrtvujući sebe. Karakterizira ga s jedne strane potreba za odnosom, a s druge nisko samopoštovanje i strah od bliskosti i ranjivosti. Kao rezultat, osoba može ponavljati cikluse približavanja i sabotiranja odnosa. Takva osoba će često "praviti od muhe slona", stvarati neugodne scenarije u svojoj glavi i zatim se ponašati kao da su oni istiniti. Može oscilirati između okrivljavanja i omalovažavanja sebe, pa zatim partnera i opet ispočetka. Obiteljski odnosi u pravilu su karakterizirani zanemarivanjem i/ili različitim oblicima zlostavljanja. Dijete stalno iznova doživljava napuštanje (fizičko ili emotivno), razočaranje i povrede. Osoba obično ima veliku potrebu dokazati se i dobiti potvrdu svoje vrijednosti od drugih, ali zbog temeljno niskog samopoštovanja, nikakva potvrda nema stvarnog učinka. Ponekad je ovaj obrazac posebno snažan ako su roditelji ambivalentni - nestabilni i nepredvidivi, ponekad djetetu pružaju ljubav, a ponekad ga odbijaju bez jasnog razloga. Dijete tako uči da se ne može opustiti u bliskom odnosu, jer je razočaranje nepredvidivo. Obiteljski utjecaji su slični kao i kod prethodnog stila (ovaj stil također spada u izbjegavajući), ali s rezultatom da se bliskost (ponekad nesvjesno) smatra opasnom, zagušujućom i prijetnjom vlastitom identitetu i slobodi. Ovakva osoba, još kao dijete, odabire drugu krajnost: donosi odluku da joj bliski odnosi nisu potrebni i da je sama sebi dostatna. Tome često pogoduje obiteljski model sličnog ponašanja, a ponekad i pojačan urođeni instinkt potrebe za moći. Kao podrška (ili uzrok) takvoj odluci, obično je prisutan prezriv, kritičan stav prema osobama koje predstavljaju "prijetnju" emocionalnoj autonomiji, u prvom redu partneru ili potencijalnom partneru. Također može biti prisutan prezir prema emocijama i izbjegavanje emocija, s obzirom da su u djetinjstvu emocije često rezultirale bolnim iskustvima i razočaranjem. Naglašena je potreba za neovisnošću pod svaku cijenu i nepovjerenje prema drugim ljudima. Osoba često očekuje neku vrstu loše namjere od drugih. To ne znači nužno da će takva osoba izbjegavati romantične veze, pogotovo ako želi seks, ali će nastojati držati partnera na distanci, kako prema vani, tako i u vlastitom umu. U blažim slučajevima, to se može manifestirati kroz kriticizam, nedoslijednost, izbjegavanje komunikacije o emocijama, izbjegavanje pružanja podrške partneru (možda i primanja podrške), radoholičarstvo ili zaokupljenost drugim aktivnostima koje smanjuju mogućnost provođenja intimnog vremena zajedno. U težim slučajevima, može se manifestirati kao igre "toplo-hladno", promiskuitet, verbalno i emocionalno, pa i fizičko zlostavljanje. Također, ovakva osoba često voli osjećaj moći i kontrole nad partnerom (jer se inače boji da će netko drugi kontrolirati nju), zbog čega često izabire partnere s tjeskobnim stilom vezivanja. Da bi kontrolirala partnera, može pribjeći različitim oblicima manipulacije, uključujući potkopavanje samopoštovanja partnera. U blažim slučajevima, osoba s odbacujućim stilom vezivanja može biti emotivna i relativno topla, ili možda povučena i stidljiva, ali kad dođe do prilike za veću bliskost, pojavljuju se emocionalne barijere. Te barijere se mogu manifestirati na suptilan i nesvjestan način, kao na primjer previsoki kriteriji pri biranju partnera, sumnjičavost i preispitivanje budućnosti veze, negativno tumačenje partnerovih pogrešaka, pretpostavljanje loših namjera, zaljubljivanje u nedostupne osobe ili maštanje o idealnom partneru bez mane (što ponekad uključuje idealiziranje neke ljubavi iz prošlosti). Kako bi izbjegla neželjeni kontakt i nametljive osobe u obitelji, osoba s odbijajućim stilom vezivanja često već od rane dobi razvija hladan, zatvoren izraz lica i neverbalni govor. Kad odraste, možda neće biti toga niti svjesna, pa se može čuditi zašto je mnogi ljudi zaobilaze, a partner se žali na njezinu hladnoću i emocionalnu nedostupnost. Kao i kod drugih stilova/poremećaja vezivanja, važno je razumjeti da su se sve te obrane razvile kao strategije preživljavanja te ne predstavljaju pravu prirodu i prave emocionalne potrebe ovih ljudi. Osoba s odbacujućim stilom vezivanja može patiti baš kao i svatko drugi nakon gubitka odnosa - ponekad i više, jer često baš i nemaju dobru mrežu prijateljske podrške - ali vjerojatno će pokušati potisnuti i ignorirati svoje osjećaje i emocionalne potrebe. To su osobe koje bi se u narodu zvale "otiračima". Karakteristično je da vrednuju odnos više nego vlastiti identitet, čak i kad je taj odnos toksičan. Da bi zadržale odnos, činit će što god se očekuje ili misle da se očekuje, pritom nastojeći dobiti konstantnu potvrdu da su vrijedne i prihvaćene. Prema urođenom temperamentu, obično naginju pojačanoj empatiji i potrebi za suradnjom. Ovakve osobe su osjetljive na sitne promjene ponašanja i raspoloženja kod partnera i sklone svemu pridati negativan značaj, odnosno nalaziti u svemu signale da ih partner ne voli dovoljno ili nije zadovoljan njima. U nastojanju da prekinu neizvjesnost i potvrde stabilnost veze, mogu pribjeći neprestanim i pretjeranim zahtjevima da im partner potvrdi svoju ljubav. U svojoj potrebi da ugode, mogu prelaziti osobne granice partnera, ili mogu dozvoliti da ih se kontrolira i manipulira. U ekstremnijoj varijanti, ulaze u ulogu žrtve, čemu slijedi korištenje manipulacije, pasivne agresije i emocionalne ucjene. U još većem ekstremu, mogu postati patološki ljubomorni. Osobe s tjeskobnim stilom vezivanja često se zaljube u izbjegavajuće tipove, u prvom redu zato što se nadaju s njima dovršiti nerazriješene emocije i nadaju se potvrdi i prihvaćanju koje nisu dobili od roditelja. Unatoč partnerovom odbijanju, takve potrebe će ih obično dugo zadržavati u odnosu. 2. dio: poremećaji vezivanja u roditeljstvu, kako promijeniti problematičan stil vezivanja "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.