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Jealousy is usually the most childish emotion of all. While experiences of fear, anger, sadness, shame and similar can be appropriate to external reality (although in most cases it's a mixture of realistic and childish, exaggerated perception), jealousy is mostly based on an infantile feeling that we can't receive enough love and attention, and that our sense of worth and self-esteem depends of others' choices. Although posessiveness towards one's intimate partner has some roots in biology and evolution, the essence of jealousy is in fear that we are not good enough, that something is wrong with us, that somebody else (perhaps without merit, perhaps with more merit, we're afraid) receives something we dearly want. We might also feel that love and attention is limited, that is, if one person is receiving it, another has to lose. As a defense from bad self-image, we create anger towards the person who "steals" love from us, and often even towards the person whose love we want. Some people whose partner fell in love with another person, judge and blame that person ruthlessly, especially if he/she dared to accept this love. (By "falling in love" I don't mean irresponsible sex and selfish behavior towards current partner.) Often we can hear pathetic claims such as: "he stole what was most important to me", "she ruined my life", victim talk and similar words more appropriate to teenage music than to adult people. In many societies in history (and in some still today) adultery was punished by death, often slow and painful. Imagine the strength and depth of childish fear and feeling of unworthiness, that it makes whole civilizations ready to kill another human being for loving somebody else! Still, even in more sophisticated societies, individuals can still react to such an experience in a dramatic way. Some people are so afraid of it, they would do anything to prevent it, mostly through possessive behavior: controlling their partners and isolating them from other people, usually people of opposite sex, but sometimes of all the other social contacts. They might be jealous not only of people who might be potential love interests to their partners, but also partners' families, same sex friends, even own children. Some such people want to get rid of jealousy, but don't know how: no rational decision is enough. Others truly believe that their jealousy is normal and justified. This creates extremely abusive behavior, like forbidding many social activities to a partner, suspicious questioning, arguments, criticism, humiliating the partner in public, blackmail, even physical violence and murder. A healthy intimate partnership is a relationship of two people who are aware that they chose each other because of specific qualities and shared values, and also aware that those qualities can change with time, and that their partner can feel friendly towards other people. Instead, exaggerated jealousy turns the relationship into imprisonment, ownership and abuse. People who as children had a chance to build self-esteem, a deep sense that they deserve love, will be aware that their worthiness doesn't depend of specific other people's choices. Thus they'll be able to feel good about themselves and other people, even when the person they love gives attention to other people. They won't feel the need to be "special" to that person (which is what a child wants from a parent). They will accept the partner's friendly interest in other people as a normal behavior which is not necessarily threatening. They will be aware that we can like different people in different ways. On the other hand, the less self-esteem one has, the more emptiness, shame and fear of loss, the more they will be inclined to jealousy and possessiveness. I'm not trying to promote open marriages and irresponsible sex here - even if "free love" might be a rational ideal, we are not only rational creatures. We are shaped by the world we live in and our emotional and biological needs. It's not wise to deny it. Most ideals can be abused and pushed into unhealthy extremes. I've met people - usually women - whose partners used such logical ideals to talk them into allowing them to sleep with other people. Not only such a person will suppress and deny her own feelings, but she will lose the feeling of stability and confidence in her partner, which kills intimacy. This becomes a background for future resentment and mistrust. From a biological point of view, a woman needs a stable partner she can lean on while raising children. These urges are still in us and there is no use denying them, although different social and biological aspects can make some individuals have different urges than the majority. Besides, complex creatures as we are, it's difficult enough to achieve true intimacy with one person; spreading intimate attention to several people is almost impossible without reducing the quality of relationships. Still, biologically conditioned jealousy is usually far milder than childhood imprints, and leaves space for healthy decisions and healthy self-image. Jealousy is most of the time proportional and directly related to a negative self-image. Yet this is often not conscious. Most people suppress their negative feelings about themselves, maybe they hide them under a mask of arrogance and power. Confident behavior is not the same as self-esteem. A better indication of self-esteem is how much we respect other people as well as ourselves. Negative opinion of ourselves usually won't allow us to truly appreciate others; usually we'll try to avoid our feelings of inferiority by trying to belittle other people, whether within our minds or directly. If we truly like and appreciate ourselves, if we feel deserving of love, we'll expect it to be natural and easy to find people to love and who will love us back. We won't experience the end of an important relationship as the "end of the world", even if we'll likely need to go through an initial period of sadness and emotional separation. We can also feel more respect, understanding and compassion for our partners and give them the same kind of freedom we want for ourselves. The most common trigger of jealousy is the birth of a new child in a family. Children who feel the lack of love and attention will find it easiest to blame the other child. For the first child, the birth of the second is usually a shock; not only most of mother's and other people's attention is suddenly transferred to the new child, but the older child is in the same time usually given new responsibilities and expectations which might further increase the feelings of insecurity ("you need to help with the baby..."). The younger child, on the other hand, might perceive the older as the one who is given more respect, trust and privileges, and thus develop a sense of inferiority. Jealousy appears to be particularly strong amongst children of the same sex. Perhaps this is because children of different sex need different kinds of attention, so they don't feel so threatened by the type of attention given to the sibling. The other reason might be that, in the period of developing sexual roles, which is characterized by feeling attracted to the opposite sex parent, each child bonds to a different parent, so the feeling of competition is not so strong. Jealousy amogst children is stronger if the age difference is small. Sometimes parents truly favor one child over the other. In the past, this was usually the son over the daughter, which is still common in some cultures, but an increasing number of parents nowadays prefer the daughter over the son. Ideally, of course, parents love both children equally, but as there are no perfect people, exceptions rule. Every family is different and no common pattern is applicable to everybody. A lot depends of age difference between children, as well as of the ability of parents to give healthy love and warmth. The older a child is and the more love parents can give, the less likely it is that feelings of inadequacy and consequential jealousy will develop. Some children feel jealous of one of the parents, often the same sex parent. This kind of jealousy is normally not so intense, children are often more ashamed of it and inhibited in expressing it. A child will feel much more confused and guilty about such jealousy, then when it's about a sibling. Children are aware that in some way they are "intruders" in an adult relationship, so they'll usually hide such feelings, even from themselves. Such feelings usually appear from the age of three to six, when children develops awareness of their own sexuality. The parent of the opposite sex becomes more and more attractive, because through such attraction children explore their own sexual feelings. The same sex parent can be experienced as competition. Then children might fantasize of this parent somehow disappearing, or allowing children to take their place. Children sometimes say things like "When I grow up, I'll marry Dad!" or "Mom, you're my wife!" If the parents react calmly and lovingly, but without encouraging such ideas, the child will be able to go through this phase without creating permanent patterns of inadequacy and jealousy. If a family is chaotic and unhealthy, a child might develop an unhealthy bond to a parent. Such children might obsessively search for love and attention, and might hope that they'd be able to "save" a parent and make him happy. If one of the parents is perceived like a victim, children might hope to prove that they can make them happier than the other parent. If the parent encourages it through the pattern of emotional incest, jealousy might become a long-term and truly toxic issue. As adults, such child might feel strongly attracted to "love triangles" and situations of competing with others for the love of their partners. They might want to get rid of jealousy... but as long as those subconscious images of parents are still in them, the jealousy will persist. If you want to overcome jealousy, the key is in developing sense of worthiness and a feeling that you deserve love. Of course, that will create positive consequences in many other areas of life. We offer help with consequences of family entanglements and unconscious patterns. "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." - C.G. Jung Subscription: through contact form below © Kosjenka Muk. All rights reserved.
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Ljubomora je vjerojatno najnezrelija, najviše djetinjasta emocija od svih koje osjećamo. Dok iskustva straha, ljutnje, tuge, srama i slično mogu biti uzrokovana realnim vanjskim okolnostima i njima primjerena – mada se češće radi o mješavini realističnih i dječjih, pretjeranih osjećaja – ljubomora je utemeljena na dječjim dojmovima o tome da nismo dovoljno dobri, da nema dovoljno ljubavi i pažnje te da naša vrijednost i samopoštovanje ovise o ponašanju drugih osoba. Bit ljubomore je u strahu da smo manje vrijedni, da nešto s nama nije u redu, da netko drugi (možda potpuno nezasluženo, možda se bojimo da je zasluženo) dobiva ono što mi toliko želimo. Jedan od ključnih elemenata također je osjećaj da je ljubav i pažnja ograničena i da je nema dovoljno, odnosno ako je jedna osoba dobiva, netko drugi je mora izgubiti. Kao obrana od osjećaja manje vrijednosti, stvara se i ljutnja na osobu koja nam „oduzima“ ljubav, a često i na osobu čiju pažnju želimo. Mnogi će ljudi čiji se partner zaljubio u drugu osobu, tu osobu nemilice okrivljavati i omalovažavati, pogotovo ako se usudila prihvatiti tu ljubav. (Pod zaljubljivanjem ne mislim na neodgovorni seks radi seksa i bezobzirnost prema stalnom partneru.) Česte su patetične izjave poput „uništio mi je život“, „ukrala mi je ono što mi je bilo najvažnije“ , doživljavanje sebe kao žrtve i slične riječi primjerene našoj glazbenoj sceni. U mnogim društvima u povijesti, dok je emocionalna inteligencija bila na niskom stupnju, preljub se kažnjavao smrću, često bolnom i polaganom kao što je kamenovanje. U nekim društvima to je još uvijek praksa. Pomislite koliko snažni, duboki moraju biti dječji osjećaji manje vrijednosti i straha da su cijele civilizacije zbog njih spremne ubiti drugo ljudsko biće jer voli drugu osobu! No i u razvijenijim društvima, još uvijek pojedinci u većem ili manjem stupnju mogu dramatično reagirati na takvo iskustvo. Neki ga ne žele niti čekati, nego će ga nastojati spriječiti kontroliranjem partnera i njegovom izolacijom od drugih ljudi, obično onih suprotnog spola, ali ponekad i od svih društvenih kontakata. Mogu biti ljubomorni ne samo na osobe u koje bi se partner mogao zaljubiti, nego i njegovu obitelj, prijatelje istog spola, pa čak i vlastitu djecu. To vodi iznimno neugodnom i povređujućem ponašanju kao što su zabrane, sumnjičenje, ispitivanje partnera, svađe, kritike, omalovažavanje, ucjene, pa čak i fizičko nasilje sve do ubojstva. Umjesto da partnerstvo bude odnos dvoje ljudi svjesnih da su izabrali jedno drugo zbog određenih kvaliteta i zajedničkih vrijednosti, ali da se to s vremenom može mijenjati, kao i da druge osobe mogu biti zanimljive za prijateljske odnose, ono se pretvara u zarobljavanje, posjedničko ponašanje i zlostavljanje. Osobe koje su imale prilike od ranih nogu izgraditi osjećaj vlastite vrijednosti, dubok podsvjesni dojam da zaslužuju ljubav, bit će utoliko svjesnije da ne ovise o drugima da im to potvrde. Shodno tome, moći će se dobro osjećati u vezi sebe samih i zadržati pozitivna očekivanja od života i drugih ljudi, i u situacijama u kojima njima draga osoba pokazuje pažnju i interes i za druge. Neće imati potrebu da budu „jedini“ i „posebni“ toj osobi (dječje želje od roditelja) i prihvaćat će njezino prijateljsko zanimanje za druge ljude kao normalno ponašanje koje im ne mora nužno nešto oduzeti. Bit će svjesni da različite osobe možemo voljeti različitom ljubavlju. S druge strane, što manji osjećaj vlastite vrijednosti netko osjeća, što više straha od gubitka, praznine i stida, to će biti skloniji posesivnosti i ljubomori. Ovime ne pokušavam promovirati otvorene brakove i neodgovorni seks - premda je slobodna ljubav racionalno gledano možda najidealnija, mi nismo samo racionalna bića. Uvjetovani smo i svojom biologijom i emocionalnim potrebama. To nije mudro zanemarivati. Upoznala sam osobe (najčešće žene) koje su njihovi partneri nagovorili da im u ime ideala dozvole spavati s drugima... ne samo što takva osoba obično negira samu sebe pristavši na to, nego gubi i osjećaj povjerenja u partnera, čime se gubi osjećaj bliskosti. To postaje podloga za buduće zamjeranje i nepovjerenje. Biološki gledano, ženi je potreban siguran partner na kojeg se može osloniti radi odgoja potomstva. Ti porivi su još uvijek u nama i nema ih koristi negirati. Osim toga, kompleksne osobe kakve već jesmo, često je teško uistinu ostvariti duboku intimnost čak i s jednom osobom; rasipanje pažnje na više njih je gotovo nemoguće bez da odnosi trpe. No, nije nam potrebna ljubomora da bi prepoznali i cijenili svoje vrijednosti i želje. Ljubomora je proporcionalna i izravno povezana s negativnim dojmom o sebi i svojoj vrijednosti. No, to ne mora biti osviješteno i vidljivo prema vani. Mnogi ljudi nisu svjesni da ne vrednuju dovoljno sebe jer su te osjećaje potisnuli, pa možda i prekrili obrambenom arogancijom i željom za moći. Samopouzdano ponašanje ne znači nužno i samopoštovanje; bolji pokazatelj samopoštovanja je koliko istovremeno poštujemo i druge ljude. Loše mišljenje o sebi ne dopušta nam da imamo dobro mišljenje o drugima; štoviše, od tog osjećaja obično nastojimo pobjeći tako što ćemo omalovažavati druge. Volimo li i cijenimo sebe, osjećamo li da zaslužujemo ljubav, očekivat ćemo da je prirodno i lako naći ljude koje ćemo voljeti i koji će voljeti nas. Možemo biti sretni i ako smo sami, pa i iskustvo napuštanja nećemo vidjeti kao „smak svijeta“. Također možemo imati više poštovanja, suosjećanja i razumijevanja za drugu osobu te joj biti spremni dati jednaku slobodu kakvu želimo za sebe. Najčešći okidač obrasca ljubomore je drugo dijete u obitelji. Djeca koja osjećaju da ne dobivaju dovoljno ljubavi i pažnje, najčešće će za to kriviti drugo dijete smatrajući da im ono „oduzima“ pažnju, obično na nepravedan način. Za starije dijete, rođenje mlađega je često snažan šok: ne samo što se odjednom većina pažnje majke i ostalih članova obitelji premješta na prinovu, nego se pred starije dijete istovremeno nerijetko stavljaju dodatne odgovornosti i očekivanja (ti si već velik, moraš se sam brinuti za to / čuvati bracu i sl.). Mlađe dijete može percipirati starije kao ono koje uživa više poštovanja, povjerenja i povlastica, te razviti osjećaj manje vrijednosti pred prednošću u iskustvu i vještinama starijeg djeteta. Ljubomora je, čini se, posebno izražena među djecom istog spola. Možda je to zato što djeca različitog spola imaju potrebu za različitim oblicima pažnje, te se ne osjećaju toliko ugrožena različitom vrstom pažnje koja se daje drugom djetetu. Drugi razlog može biti što, u periodu razvijanja svijesti o spolnosti, za koji je karakteristična privlačnost i vezanost za roditelja suprotnog spola, ona se vezuju za različitog roditelja što umanjuje osjećaj konkurencije. Ljubomora koja se javlja kod djece suprotnog spola češće nastaje ako je dobna razlika među djecom mala, a ponekad može biti uzrokovana stvarnom usmjerenošću roditelja na samo jedno od djece. U prošlosti to su u pravilu bila muška djeca, a i danas je to u nekim krajevima uobičajeno, no sve češće se događa i da žensko dijete uživa više ljubavi nego muško. U idealnom slučaju, naravno, roditelji će podjednako voljeti oboje djece, no rijetko koja osoba je idealna i odstupanja su česta. Naravno, svaka je obitelj različita i mnoga su odstupanja od najbrojnijih obrazaca. Mnogo ovisi o dobnoj razlici djece, kao i o općenitoj sposobnosti roditelja da pružaju pažnju i ljubav. Što je dijete starije i što su roditelji sposobniji da pružaju zdravu toplinu i ljubav, to je osjećaj nedostatka i manje vrijednosti, te posljedična ljubomora, manji. Moguća je i ljubomora djeteta na jednog od roditelja, obično roditelja istog spola. Ona je obično manje intenzivna, a i manje prepoznata jer su djeca češće inhibirana u njezinom izražavanju. Takva ljubomora češće će izazvati krivnju i sram nego ljutnju, za razliku od ljubomore prema bratu ili sestri. Kod ovog tipa ljubomore dijete je svjesnije da je „uljez“ te će je obično više skrivati. Ovakvi osjećaji obično se javljaju u dobi od treće do šeste godine kad se razvija svijest o spolnosti. Roditelj suprotnog spola počinje biti posebno privlačan jer dijete u odnosu s njim istražuje vlastitu spolnost. Tada se roditelj istog spola može početi doživljavati kao suparnik. Dijete može maštati o tome da taj roditelj nekako nestane ili mu ustupi mjesto. Djeca znaju izjavljivati nešto kao „Kad budem velika, udat ću se za tatu“ ili „Mama, ti si moja žena!“ Reagiraju li roditelji smireno i s ljubavlju, dijete će lakše proći kroz taj period bez da stvori trajne obrasce osjećaja nedostatnosti i ljubomore. Ako su odnosi u obitelji nezdravi i nesređeni, veća je vjerojatnost pojavljivanja ovog obrasca. Dijete grčevitije traži ljubav i pažnju, te može razviti nadu da će svojim ponašanjem oraspoložiti ili „spasiti“ roditelja te osvojiti njegovu ljubav. Ako se jedan roditelj doživljava kao žrtva, dijete se može nadati da će mu uspjeti dokazati da je bolje i da će ga više usrećiti od drugog roditelja. To može biti pojačano obrascem emocionalnog incesta. Bit rada na rješavanju ljubomore je, dakle, rad na izgradnji osjećaja da smo vrijedni i zaslužujemo ljubav. Naravno, to donosi pozitivne pomake i na brojnim drugim područjima života. "Dok god ne učinite podsvjesno svjesnim, ono će upravljati vašim životom i zvat ćete to sudbinom." - C.G. Jung Individualni rad i rad s parovima predbilježba: preko kontakt obrasca u dnu stranice © Kosjenka Muk. Sva prava pridržana.