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Keys to Family Happiness Maintaining Commitment in Your Marriage She says: “I noticed for some time that Michael, my husband, had been emotionally distant from me and was treating our children coldly. * His behavior changed soon after we were connected to the Internet, and I suspected that he was viewing pornography on the computer. One night after the children had gone to bed, I cornered him, and he confessed that he had been viewing pornographic Web sites. I was devastated. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. I completely lost trust in him. To make matters worse, a workmate had recently started to express a romantic interest in me.” He says: “Some time ago my wife, Maria, discovered a picture stored on our computer and confronted me about it. When I admitted that I regularly visited pornographic Web sites, she was livid. I felt horribly embarrassed and very guilty. I thought it was the end of our marriage.” WHAT do you think happened to Michael and Maria’s relationship? You may think that viewing pornography was Michael’s main problem. But as Michael came to realize, this vice was really a symptom of a deeper issue Do you feel that the bond between you and your mate has weakened as the years have passed? Would you like to reverse that trend? If so, you need to know the answers to three questions: What does it mean to be committed to your marriage? What challenges can undermine such commitment? And what can you do to strengthen your commitment to your mate? What Is Commitment? How would you define commitment in marriage? Many would say that it springs from a sense of duty. For example, a couple may remain committed to their marriage because of their children or because of a duty they feel toward God, the Originator of marriage. (Genesis 2:22-24) Certainly, such motives are admirable and will help a marriage survive difficult times. But to be happy, marriage mates need to feel more than just a sense of obligation to each other. Jehovah God designed marriage to bring a couple deep-seated joy and contentment. He intended for a man to “rejoice with [his] wife” and for a woman to love her husband and to feel that her husband loves her as he does his own body. (Proverbs 5:18; Ephesians 5:28) To create that sort of bond, a couple must learn to trust each other. Equally important, they need to develop a lifelong friendship. When a man and woman earn each other’s trust and work at becoming the best of friends, their commitment to the marriage will grow. They will form a bond the Bible describes as being so close that it is as if the two people were “one flesh.” Commitment, therefore, could be likened to the mortar that binds the bricks of a sturdy house. Mortar is made from a combination of ingredients, including sand, cement, and water. Similarly, commitment is formed from a combination of such factors as duty, trust, and friendship. What may weaken that bond? What Are the Challenges? Commitment requires hard work and self-sacrifice. It demands that you be willing to forgo your own preferences in order to please your mate. However, the concept of yielding to someone else’s wishes The Bible realistically acknowledges that marriage is hard work. It states that “the married man is anxious for the things of the world, how he may gain the approval of his wife,” and that “the married woman is anxious for the things of the world, how she may gain the approval of her husband.” (1 Corinthians 7:33, 34) Unfortunately, even marriage mates who normally are unselfish do not always acknowledge each other’s anxieties or value their mate’s sacrifices. When a couple fail to show appreciation for each other, their marriage is bound to cause them more “tribulation in their flesh” than it would otherwise. If your marriage is to survive difficult times and to thrive during good times, you need to develop a long-term view of your relationship. How can you develop such an attitude, and how can you encourage your mate to remain committed to you? How to Strengthen Commitment A key factor is humbly to apply the advice of God’s Word, the Bible. By doing so you will “benefit yourself” and your mate. (Isaiah 48:17) Consider just two practical steps you can take. Make your marriage a priority. “Make sure of the more important things,” wrote the apostle Paul. (Philippians 1:10) In God’s eyes, the way a husband and wife treat each other is very important. A man who honors his wife will be honored by God. And a woman who respects her husband has “great value in the eyes of God.” How important is your marriage to you? Usually, the more important an endeavor, the more time you spend on it. Ask yourself: ‘Over the past month, how much time did I set aside just to spend with my mate? What specific things have I done to reassure my mate that we are still good friends?’ If you invested little or no time in maintaining your marriage, your mate may find it difficult to believe that you are committed to the union. Does your mate think that you are committed to your marriage? How can you find out? TRY THIS: Write on a piece of paper the following five categories: money, work, marriage, entertainment, and friends. Now number the list according to what you believe to be your spouse’s priorities. Ask your mate to do the same about you. When completed, exchange lists with your mate. If your mate feels that you are not investing enough time and energy in the marriage, discuss what changes you may need to make to strengthen your commitment to each other. Also, ask yourself, ‘What can I do to take more of an interest in the things that are important to my mate?’ Avoid all forms of infidelity. Jesus Christ said: “Everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28) When a person engages in sexual intercourse outside of marriage, he or she delivers a devastating blow to the union, one that the Bible says is grounds for divorce. (Matthew 5:32) However, Jesus’ words quoted above show that a wrong desire can exist in the heart long before a person actually engages in the physical act of adultery. Entertaining that wrong desire is in itself a form of betrayal. To maintain your commitment to your marriage, make a solemn pledge not to view pornography. Despite what many may say, pornography is poison to a marriage. Note the way one wife expresses her feelings about her husband’s viewing habits: “My husband says that watching pornography spices up our love life. But it just makes me feel that I’m worthless, that I’m not enough for him. I cry myself to sleep when he watches it.” Would you say that this man is strengthening his commitment to his marriage, or is he undermining it? Do you think that he is making it easier for his wife to remain committed to the marriage? Is he treating her as his closest friend? The faithful man Job expressed his commitment to his marriage and to his God by making ‘a covenant with his eyes.’ He was determined not to ‘show himself attentive to a virgin.’ (Job 31:1) How can you imitate Job? In addition to avoiding pornography, you need to guard your heart from forming an inappropriate attachment to a member of the opposite sex. True, many feel that flirting with members of the opposite sex does no harm to a marriage. But God’s Word warns us: “The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?” (Jeremiah 17:9) Has your heart fooled you? Ask yourself: ‘To whom am I most attentive TRY THIS: If you find yourself attracted to someone other than your mate, limit your contact with that one to only what is necessary and keep all encounters on a purely professional level. Do not focus on ways in which you think this person is superior to your mate. Instead, focus on your mate’s positive qualities. (Proverbs 31:29) Recall the reasons why you fell in love with your mate. Ask yourself, ‘Has my mate really lost these qualities, or have I become blind to them?’ Take the Initiative Michael and Maria, quoted at the outset, decided to ask for advice on how to resolve their issues. Of course, seeking advice is just the first step. But by being willing to face their problems and seek help, both Michael and Maria sent a clear message that they are committed to their marriage, that they are willing to work hard to make it succeed. Whether your marriage is stable or strained, your mate needs to know that you are committed to making the marriage a success. Take whatever appropriate steps are necessary to convince your mate of that fact. Are you willing to do that? ^ par. 3 Names have been changed. ^ par. 5 While the example here is of a man who viewed pornography, a woman who did the same would also be displaying a lack of commitment to the marriage. ASK YOURSELF . - What activities could I cut back on to allow more time for my mate? - What could I do to assure my mate that I am committed to our marriage?
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Savjeti za sretan obiteljski život Kako sačuvati privrženost u braku Ona: “Primijetila sam da je moj muž Ivan već neko vrijeme prilično hladan i suzdržan prema meni i djeci. * Počeo se čudno ponašati ubrzo nakon što smo dobili priključak za internet, pa sam počela sumnjati da gleda pornografiju. Jedne večeri, nakon što su djeca otišla na spavanje, otvoreno sam s njim razgovarala i priznao je da posjećuje pornografske stranice. Bila sam očajna. Nisam mogla vjerovati da mi se to događa. Potpuno sam izgubila povjerenje u njega. Da stvar bude još gora, nekako u to vrijeme jedan kolega na poslu počeo mi se udvarati.” On: “Prije nekog vremena moja žena Mirjana pronašla je jednu sliku koju sam pohranio na našem kompjuteru i tražila je objašnjenje. Kad sam joj priznao da na internetu redovito gledam pornografiju, strašno se naljutila. Bilo mi je jako neugodno i osjećao sam veliku krivnju. Mislio sam da je to kraj našeg braka.” ŠTO je po vašem mišljenju pošlo po zlu u Ivanovom i Mirjaninom braku? Možda mislite da je gledanje pornografije bio Ivanov glavni problem. No kao što je i Ivan kasnije shvatio, taj je porok zapravo samo ukazivao na daleko ozbiljniji problem — u njihovom braku više nije bilo bliskosti. * Kad su se Ivan i Mirjana vjenčali, očekivali su da će u njihovom zajedničkom životu vladati ljubav i da će uživati provoditi vrijeme zajedno. No kao i u mnogim brakovima, i među njima je s vremenom nestalo bliskosti i polako su se udaljili jedno od drugog. Imate li osjećaj da vi i vaš bračni partner više niste tako bliski kao nekada? Da li biste voljeli ponovno ojačati svoju bračnu vezu? Tada trebate saznati odgovore na tri pitanja: Što znači biti privržen svom bračnom partneru? Koji problemi mogu oslabiti tu privrženost? Što možete učiniti kako biste ojačali svoju bračnu vezu? Što je privrženost? Što je za vas privrženost u braku? Mnogi smatraju da ona proizlazi iz osjećaja dužnosti. Naprimjer, neki parovi ostaju u braku zbog djece ili zbog osjećaja dužnosti prema Bogu, koji je Osnivač braka (1. Naravno, to su jako dobri razlozi da bračni partneri ostanu zajedno i mogu im pomoći da prebrode teška razdoblja. No da bi muž i žena bili sretni, nije dovoljan samo osjećaj dužnosti. Jehova Bog želio je da bračno uređenje pruža muškarcu i ženi veliku radost i zadovoljstvo. Htio je da se muškarac ‘raduje sa svojom ženom’ i voli je kao vlastito tijelo te da žena voli svog muža i da se osjeća voljenom (Mudre izreke 5:18; Efežanima 5:28). Da bi bračna veza postala tako čvrsta, muž i žena moraju naučiti vjerovati jedno drugome. Jednako je važno i da razviju doživotno prijateljstvo. Ako muškarac i žena nastoje steći međusobno povjerenje i postati najbolji prijatelji, njihova bračna veza postaje sve jača. Oni će postati toliko bliski da će, kako kaže Biblija, biti “jedno tijelo” (Matej 19:5). Dakle, privrženost se može usporediti sa žbukom koja povezuje cigle od kojih je građena neka čvrsta kuća. Žbuka je mješavina više sastojaka, među ostalim pijeska, cementa i vode. Slično tome, privrženost je kombinacija osjećaja dužnosti, povjerenja i prijateljstva. Što bi moglo oslabiti privrženost? Problemi koji mogu oslabiti bračnu vezu Da bi brak bio uspješan, partneri trebaju ulagati puno truda i biti samopožrtvovni. To znači da trebaju biti spremni odreći se nečega što vole kako bi ugodili svom partneru. No odricati se nečega kako bi se ugodilo drugome i pritom ne razmišljati o vlastitoj koristi, danas nije popularno, a nekima je čak potpuno neprihvatljivo. No upitajte se: ‘Koliko sebičnih ljudi koje poznajem ima sretan brak?’ Vjerojatno nitko. Zašto? Zato što sebične osobe najčešće nisu spremne udovoljiti željama svog bračnog partnera kad to od njih zahtijeva neku osobnu žrtvu, posebno ako odmah ne vide kakvu će korist imati ako naprave neke male ustupke. No ako bračni partneri nisu spremni žrtvovati neke svoje želje u korist onoga drugog, njihov će se odnos narušiti bez obzira na to koliko su bili zaljubljeni u početku. Biblija otvoreno kaže da u brak treba ulagati mnogo truda. Ona kaže da se “oženjeni brine za svjetovno, kako da ugodi ženi”, a i “udata se brine za svjetovno, kako da ugodi mužu” (1. Korinćanima 7:33, 34). Nažalost, čak i nesebične osobe ponekad ne uviđaju što brine njihovog muža ili ženu i ne cijene njihove žrtve. Ako muž ili žena ne pokazuju cijenjenje jedno prema drugome, njihov će im brak vjerojatno donijeti veću “tjelesnu nevolju” nego što bi to inače bio slučaj (1. Korinćanima 7:28). Ako želite da vaš brak opstane u teškim vremenima i da u njemu uživate u dobrim vremenima, na njega trebate gledati kao na trajnu vezu. Kako možete steći takvo gledište o braku? Kako možete potaknuti svog bračnog partnera da vam ostane privržen? Kako ojačati bračnu vezu Da biste u tome uspjeli, vrlo je važno ponizno primijeniti savjete iz Božje Riječi, Biblije. To će biti dobro i za vas i za vašeg bračnog partnera (Izaija 48:17). Razmotrimo sada samo dva praktična savjeta koji vam mogu pomoći. Dajte svom braku prednost pred drugim stvarima. “Prosudite što je najvažnije”, napisao je apostol Pavao (Filipljanima 1:10). Bogu je jako važno kako se muž i žena odnose jedno prema drugome. Muškarac koji cijeni svoju ženu steći će Božje priznanje. Žena koja poštuje svog muža “dragocjena je u Božjim očima” (1. Koliko važnim smatrate svoj brak? Kad nam je do nečega stalo, obično tome posvećujemo više vremena. Upitajte se: ‘Koliko sam vremena odvojio za svog bračnog partnera u proteklih mjesec dana? Kako sam mu pokazao da smo još uvijek bliski prijatelji?’ Ako ste svom mužu ili ženi posvetili malo vremena ili ako uopće niste provodili vrijeme zajedno, teško će povjerovati da vam je vaš odnos važan. Misli li vaš bračni partner da vam je brak važan? Kako to možete saznati? PRIJEDLOG: Ispišite na papir sljedećih pet stvari: novac, posao, brak, zabava i prijatelji. Zatim navedeno poredajte po važnosti, prema onome što je po vašem mišljenju najvažnije vašem bračnom partneru. Zamolite ga da i on učini isto. Potom zamijenite papire. Ako vaš bračni partner misli da ne ulažete dovoljno vremena i energije u vaš brak, razgovarajte što biste trebali promijeniti kako biste ojačali bračnu vezu. Osim toga, upitajte se: ‘Kako mogu pokazati više zanimanja za ono što je važno mom bračnom partneru?’ Klonite se svakog oblika nevjere. Isus Krist je rekao: “Svatko tko požudno gleda neku ženu već je u srcu svojemu počinio preljub s njom” (Matej 5:28). Osoba koja se upušta u izvanbračne spolne odnose razara svoj brak. Biblija čak kaže da je preljub opravdani razlog za rastavu (Matej 5:32). Međutim, Isusove riječi pokazuju da se neispravne želje mogu pojaviti u nečijem srcu puno prije samog preljuba. Pothranjivanje takvih neispravnih želja samo je po sebi jedna vrsta nevjere. Da bi vaša bračna veza ostala jaka, budite odlučni u tome da ne gledate pornografiju. Bez obzira na to što mnogi govore, pornografija djeluje na brak poput otrova. Zapazite kako se osjeća jedna žena zbog toga što njen muž gleda pornografiju: “Moj muž kaže da pornografija dobro djeluje na naš ljubavni život. No to u meni izaziva osjećaj bezvrijednosti jer stalno mislim da mu nisam dovoljna. Kad on gleda pornografiju, ja zaspim u suzama.” Što mislite, da li taj čovjek jača svoj brak ili ga uništava? Olakšava li svojoj ženi da mu bude privržena? Ponaša li se prema njoj kao prema bliskom prijatelju? Vjerni Božji sluga Job naglasio je koliko mu je važan njegov brak i odnos s Bogom, rekavši: “Savez sam sklopio s očima svojim.” On je čvrsto odlučio da ‘neće pogledati neku djevicu’ (Job 31:1). Kako možete oponašati Joba? Pornografija nije jedina opasnost za brak. Trebate se čuvati i neprikladnih veza s osobama suprotnog spola. Istina, mnogi smatraju da koketiranje ne šteti braku. No Božja Riječ nas upozorava: “Srce je varljivije od svega i na sve je spremno. Tko može proniknuti u njega?” (Jeremija 17:9). Je li i vas srce prevarilo? Upitajte se: ‘Prema kome sam posebno pažljiv — prema svom bračnom partneru ili nekoj drugoj osobi suprotnog spola? Kome prvome javljam neku dobru vijest — svom bračnom partneru ili nekoj drugoj osobi? Ako bi bračni partner zatražio od mene da ograničim svoje kontakte s nekom osobom suprotnog spola, kako bih reagirao? Da li bih se naljutio ili bih bio spreman učiniti ono što traži?’ PRIJEDLOG: Ako vas počne privlačiti osoba s kojom niste u braku, kontakte s njom svedite samo na najnužnije i držite se na distanci. Nemojte tu osobu uspoređivati sa svojim bračnim partnerom i razmišljati u čemu je po vašem mišljenju bolja od njega. Umjesto toga, razmišljate o dobrim stranama svog muža ili žene (Mudre izreke 31:29). Prisjetite se zašto ste se zaljubili u svog bračnog partnera. Upitajte se: ‘Je li on doista izgubio te vrline ili ih ja više ne primjećujem?’ Rješavajte probleme Ivan i Mirjana, koje smo spomenuli na početku, odlučili su zatražiti pomoć kako bi riješili svoje bračne probleme. Naravno, to je samo prvi korak. No time što su priznali da imaju probleme i što su zatražili pomoć, jasno su pokazali da žele sačuvati svoj brak i da su spremni uložiti puno truda kako bi njihov brak uspio. Bez obzira na to je li vaš brak sretan ili imate probleme, trebate pokazati svom bračnom partneru da želite da vaš brak uspije. Stoga učinite sve što je potrebno kako biste ga u to uvjerili. Jeste li spremni učiniti to? ^ odl. 3 Imena su promijenjena. ^ odl. 5 Premda se ovdje govori o muškarcu koji gleda pornografiju, i žena koja to čini pokazuje da nije privržena svom bračnom partneru. RAZMISLITE... - Čega bih se mogao odreći kako bih imao više vremena za svog bračnog partnera? - Kako svog bračnog partnera mogu uvjeriti da želim da naš brak uspije?