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Keys to Family Happiness Cultivate Spirituality as a Couple Frederick *: “When we were first married, I insisted that my wife and I study the Bible together. I was determined that she concentrate during our study sessions. But Leanne just could not seem to sit still. And when I asked questions, she gave only yes or no answers. Her responses did not fit with how I felt a Bible study should be conducted.” Leanne: “I was 18 when I married Frederick. We studied the Bible together regularly, but Frederick used each session as an opportunity to point out all my faults and the ways I needed to improve as a wife. I became so discouraged and hurt!” WHAT, do you think, was the problem with Frederick and Leanne’s relationship? Their intentions were good. They both loved God. And they both saw the need to study the Bible together. But the very thing that could have helped to unite them seemed to have an opposite effect. They may have been studying together, but they were not cultivating spirituality as a couple. What is spirituality? Why should married couples strive to cultivate it? What challenges might they face, and how can they overcome them? What Is Spirituality? The word “spirituality” as used in the Bible refers to an attitude or an approach to life. (Jude 18, 19) The Bible writer Paul, for example, highlights the difference in attitude between a spiritual person and one who is fleshly. Those with fleshly tendencies, Paul indicates, focus more on themselves than on others. They do what is right in their own eyes, rather than trying to live up to God’s standards. By contrast, those with a spiritual attitude value God’s standards. They view Jehovah God as their Friend and endeavor to imitate his personality. (Ephesians 5:1) Thus, they are loving, kind, and mild when dealing with others. (Exodus 34:6) And they obey God even when it is inconvenient for them to do so. (Psalm 15:1, 4) “The way I understand it,” says Darren, who lives in Canada and has been married for 35 years, “a spiritual person always thinks about how his speech and actions will affect his friendship with God.” His wife, Jane, adds: “I think that a spiritual woman is one who works hard each day to make the fruitage of God’s spirit part of her personality.” Of course, a person does not have to be married to develop a spiritual attitude. In fact, the Bible teaches that each individual has the responsibility to learn about God and imitate him. Why Cultivate Spirituality as a Couple? Why, then, should marriage mates strive to cultivate spirituality as a couple? Consider this illustration: Two gardeners jointly own a garden plot and want to grow vegetables. One decides to plant seeds at a certain time of year, whereas the other thinks that the seeds should be planted later. One wants to use a particular type of fertilizer, but the other disagrees strongly and feels that the plants do not need any help. One wants to toil in the garden each day. The other is happy to sit back and watch, rather than work. In such a scenario, the garden may yield some results, but it will not produce as much as it would have if both gardeners had agreed on what to do and then worked together to achieve those goals. A husband and wife are like those gardeners. If just one partner cultivates spirituality, the relationship might improve. (1 Peter 3:1, 2) Yet, how much better it is when both partners agree to live by God’s standards and work hard to support each other as they serve God! “Two are better than one,” wrote wise King Solomon. Why? “Because they have a good reward for their hard work. For if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.” You likely yearn to cultivate spirituality with your marriage mate. But just as with gardening, desire alone will not yield results. Consider two challenges you may face and how you might overcome them. CHALLENGE 1: We can’t find the time. “My husband picks me up from work at 7:00 p.m.,” says Sue, who has been married a short time. “When we get home, all the chores are waiting for us. It’s a struggle between mind and body; our minds tell us that we need to spend time learning about God together, but our bodies crave some rest.” A possible solution: Be adaptable and cooperative. Sue says: “My husband and I decided to get up early and read and discuss a portion of the Bible together before going to work. He also helps me with some of the chores so that I have time to spend with him.” What benefits come from making this extra effort? Sue’s husband, Ed, says: “I’ve found that when Sue and I regularly discuss spiritual matters together, we cope more effectively with the problems we face and we manage our anxieties better.” In addition to talking to each other, it is vital that you spend a few minutes each day praying together. How may that help? “A little while ago,” says Ryan, who has been married for 16 years, “my wife and I went through a very difficult time in our relationship. But we made time to pray together each night, expressing our concerns to God. I feel that praying together helped us to resolve our problems and to regain joy in our marriage.” TRY THIS: Set aside just a few minutes at the end of each day to discuss any good things that happened to you as a couple, things you can thank God for. Also talk about challenges you face, ones that you especially need God’s help to cope with. Caution: Do not use this as an opportunity to list your mate’s faults. Instead, when you pray together, mention only those issues that you need to work on together. The next day, act in harmony with the requests you made in the prayer. CHALLENGE 2: We have different abilities. “I have never been one to sit down and read a book,” says Tony. His wife, Natalie, says: “I love to read, and I love to talk about what I’ve learned. Sometimes I think Tony is a bit intimidated by me when we discuss Bible-based material.” A possible solution: Be supportive, not competitive or judgmental. Complement and encourage your mate’s strengths. “My wife’s enthusiasm for discussing Bible topics can be a little overwhelming at times,” says Tony, “and in the past I was reluctant to discuss spiritual subjects with her. However, Natalie is very supportive. Now we regularly discuss spiritual matters together, and I’ve discovered that there is nothing to be afraid of. I enjoy talking about these topics with her. It has helped us become more relaxed and at peace as a couple.” Many couples have found that their marriage improves when they set aside a regular time each week to read and study the Bible together. A word of caution, though: Apply any points of counsel to yourself, not to your mate. (Galatians 6:4) Discuss contentious marital issues at another time, not during your study sessions. Why not? Consider this: If you were eating a meal with your family, would you choose that time to dress a festering wound? Not likely. You would ruin everyone’s appetite. Jesus compared learning about and doing God’s will to eating food. (Matthew 4:4; John 4:34) If you talk about emotional wounds each time you open the Bible, you could cause your mate to lose his or her spiritual appetite. Certainly, you need to discuss problems. But deal with those matters at a time set aside for that purpose. TRY THIS: Write down two or three qualities of your mate that you appreciate most. When you next discuss spiritual matters related to those qualities, tell your mate how much you appreciate the way he or she displays them. You Reap What You Sow If you sow, or cultivate, spirituality as a couple, you will eventually reap a more peaceful and rewarding marriage. In fact, God’s Word guarantees that “whatever a man is sowing, this he will also reap.” Frederick and Leanne, quoted at the beginning of this article, learned the truth of that Bible principle. They have now been married for 45 years and know that perseverance pays off. “I used to blame my wife for the lack of communication,” says Frederick. “However, in time, I realized that I had to make an effort too.” Leanne says: “What really helped us through the difficult times was our mutual love of Jehovah God. Throughout the years, we have regularly studied and prayed together. As I see Frederick making an effort to improve in showing Christian qualities, it makes it easier for me to love him.” ^ par. 3 Names have been changed. ASK YOURSELF . - When was the last time we prayed together as a couple? - What could I do that would encourage my mate to be more open about discussing spiritual matters with me?
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Savjeti za sretan obiteljski život Kako gledište o duhovnim vrijednostima utječe na brak? Fran * kaže: “Kad smo se vjenčali, bilo mi je vrlo važno da Larisa i ja zajedno proučavamo Bibliju. Želio sam da se oboje koncentriramo na ono što proučavamo, no njoj to jednostavno nije polazilo za rukom. Na svako moje pitanje odgovarala je samo s ‘da’ ili ‘ne’. Moram priznati da sam naše proučavanje zamišljao potpuno drugačije.” Larisa kaže: “Fran i ja vjenčali smo se kad sam imala 18 godina. Redovito smo proučavali Bibliju, ali on je svaki put isticao moje mane i govorio mi u čemu se trebam popraviti. To bi me jako obeshrabrilo i povrijedilo.” ZBOG čega je dolazilo do nesuglasica između Frana i Larise? Valja reći da ih nisu namjerno izazivali jer su oboje voljeli Boga i smatrali da trebaju zajedno proučavati Bibliju. Znali su da ih to može zbližiti. Zašto se onda dogodilo upravo suprotno? Zato što su proučavanju Biblije pristupali različito. Zašto bi muž i žena trebali razvijati slično gledište o duhovnim vrijednostima? S kojim se problemima mogu suočiti i kako ih mogu nadvladati? Gledište o Bogu i njegovim mjerilima Zašto je važno imati ispravno gledište o duhovnim vrijednostima? Zato što ono oblikuje naš način života (Juda 18, 19). Apostol Pavao istaknuo je razliku između osobe koja razmišlja na duhovan način i osobe koja na život gleda tjelesno. Onaj tko razmišlja na tjelesan način usredotočen je prvenstveno na svoje želje i potrebe. On postupa po vlastitom nahođenju i nije mu stalo do Božjih mjerila (1. Korinćanima 2:14; Galaćanima 5:19, 20). Za razliku od toga osoba koja razmišlja na duhovan način cijeni Božje zakone. Ona Jehovu Boga smatra prijateljem i nastoji razvijati osobine koje krase njegovu osobnost (Efežanima 5:1). U ophođenju s drugima pokazuje ljubav, obzirnost i blagost (2. Mojsijeva 34:6). Isto tako poslušna je Bogu, čak i kad to od nje zahtijeva neka odricanja (Psalam 15:1, 4). Darren iz Kanade, koji je u braku 35 godina, ovako je opisao osobu koja razmišlja na duhovan način: “Takva osoba uvijek ima na umu kako će njene riječi i postupci utjecati na njeno prijateljstvo s Bogom.” Njegova žena, Jane, rekla je: “Žena kojoj je stalo do Božjeg mišljenja svaki se dan trudi pokazivati osobine koje su Bogu po volji” (Galaćanima 5:22, 23). Naravno, i osobe koje nisu u braku trebaju izgraditi prisan odnos s Bogom. Iz Biblije učimo da svatko od nas treba dobro upoznati Boga i truditi se postupati po uzoru na njega (Djela apostolska 17:26, 27). Zašto je važno da muž i žena dijele gledište o duhovnim vrijednostima Da bismo bolje razumjeli zašto je važno da muž i žena imaju slično gledište o duhovnim vrijednostima, razmotrimo jednu usporedbu: Dvije osobe odluče zajedno zasaditi vrt pun svakovrsnog povrća. Jedna od njih smatra da sjeme treba posijati početkom godine, a druga da sijanje treba obaviti kasnije. Ne slažu se ni oko toga kako obrađivati zemlju — jedna smatra da zemlju treba dohranjivati, a druga se tome jako protivi jer joj se to čini nepotrebnim. Dok jedna misli da u vrtu treba raditi svaki dan, druga vjeruje da nije potrebno ulagati toliki trud. U njihovom bi vrtu na koncu nešto i niknulo, ali urod bi bio puno veći da su usuglasili svoje želje i zamisli te potom zajedničkim snagama radili na njihovom ostvarenju. Isto vrijedi i kad je riječ o odnosu između muža i žene. Ako se samo jedno od njih trudi usvajati Božji način razmišljanja, njihov bi se brak mogao donekle poboljšati (1. Petrova 3:1, 2). No bio bi puno bolji kad bi oboje živjeli po Božjim načelima i jedno drugom svesrdno pomagali vjerno služiti Bogu. Mudri kralj Salamun napisao je: “Bolje je dvojici nego jednome, jer imaju dobru plaću za svoj trud. Jer ako jedan padne, drugi će podignuti druga svojega” (Propovjednik 4:9, 10). Sigurno želite da vi i vaš bračni drug izgradite prisan odnos s Bogom. Da biste u tome uspjeli, potrebno je uložiti trud. Spomenut ćemo dva problema s kojima biste se mogli suočiti i prijedloge kako ih riješiti. PRVI PROBLEM: Nemamo dovoljno vremena. “Moj muž dođe po mene na posao u sedam navečer”, kaže Dijana, koja se tek nedavno udala. “Kad stignemo kući, čekaju nas svi kućanski poslovi. Znamo da bismo trebali odvojiti vrijeme za razgovor o Bogu ili proučavanje Biblije, ali za to naprosto nemamo dovoljno snage.” Što bi moglo biti rješenje: Budite prilagodljivi i spremni na suradnju. Dijana kaže: “Darko i ja dogovorili smo se da svaki dan ranije ustanemo te da prije odlaska na posao zajedno čitamo Bibliju i razgovaramo o njoj. On mi pomaže oko kućanskih poslova kako bismo imali više vremena jedno za drugo.” Da li se njihov trud isplatio? Darko kaže: “Otkad redovito razgovaramo o Bibliji, lakše se nosimo sa životnim brigama i problemima.” Osim razgovora važno je i da se svaki dan potrudite naći vremena za zajedničku molitvu Bogu. Zašto je to korisno? Renato, koji je u braku 16 godina, rekao je: “Prije nekog vremena moja žena i ja imali smo ozbiljnih problema. Unatoč tome svake smo se večeri molili Bogu, iskreno mu govoreći što nam je na srcu. Zajednička molitva pomogla nam je riješiti probleme i sada opet imamo sretan brak.” PRIJEDLOG: Svaku večer odvojite nekoliko minuta za razgovor o nečemu lijepom što vam se taj dan dogodilo, na čemu možete biti zahvalni Bogu. Razgovarajte i o problemima, posebno o onima koji vas jako pogađaju i koje ne možete riješiti bez Božje pomoći. Ipak, pazite da se taj razgovor ne pretvori u isticanje mana vašeg bračnog druga. Kad se molite, spomenite samo ono na čemu oboje trebate raditi. Pored toga dajte sve od sebe kako biste postupali u skladu sa svojim molitvama. DRUGI PROBLEM: Imamo različite sposobnosti i interese. “Nikad nisam volio čitati”, priznaje Toni. A njegova žena, Natalija, kaže: “Volim čitati i razgovarati o onome što mi se svidjelo. Ponekad mi se čini da se, kad razgovaramo o Bibliji, Toni ustručava preda mnom reći svoje mišljenje.” Što bi moglo biti rješenje: Nemojte se nadmetati niti osuđivati svog bračnog druga, već mu pružite podršku. Ohrabrite ga i pomažite mu da razvija svoje dobre strane. “Katkad mislim da se ne mogu mjeriti s Natalijom jer ona toliko oduševljeno priča o Bibliji”, kaže Toni. “Zato sam nekad izbjegavao razgovarati s njom o biblijskim temama. No ona me ohrabrila time što je pokazala razumijevanje za moje osjećaje. Uvidio sam da nemam razloga bojati se reći svoje mišljenje. Sada redovito razgovaramo o Bibliji i to me jako veseli. Ti razgovori pozitivno utječu na naš brak i puno se bolje slažemo.” Mnogi bračni parovi primijetili su da se njihov brak poboljšao otkad svaki tjedan zajedno čitaju i proučavaju Bibliju. Međutim dobro je imati na umu da biblijske savjete trebate primijeniti na sebe, a ne na svog bračnog druga (Galaćanima 6:4). Ne bi bilo mudro da vrijeme koje odvojite za proučavanje Božje Riječi koristite za razgovor o osjetljivim temama koje se tiču vašeg braka. Zašto? Razmislite, biste li tijekom obiteljskog ručka čistili i previjali ranu? Naravno da ne biste. Obiteljski ručak nije ni vrijeme ni mjesto za takvo što. Samo biste drugima pokvarili apetit. Isus je učenje o Bogu i vršenje njegove volje usporedio s hranom (Matej 4:4; Ivan 4:34). Ako biste svaki put kad zajedno čitate Bibliju razgovarali o svojim nesuglasicama, vaš bračni drug mogao bi izgubiti želju za proučavanjem. To ne znači da trebate zatvarati oči pred problemima, ali o njima je dobro razgovarati u neko drugo vrijeme, koje odredite upravo za to (Mudre izreke 10:19; 15:23). PRIJEDLOG: Zapišite dvije ili tri osobine svog bračnog druga koje posebno cijenite. Kad sljedeći put budete razgovarali o tome što Biblija govori o tim osobinama, kažite svom bračnom drugu koliko vam je drago što su one dio njegove osobnosti. Što čovjek sije, to će i požeti Budete li vi i vaš bračni drug ulagali vrijeme i trud kako biste se zbližili s Bogom, imat ćete sretniji brak. Božja Riječ jamči: “Što čovjek sije, to će i požeti” (Galaćanima 6:7). Fran i Larisa znaju to iz vlastitog iskustva. U braku su 45 godina i uvidjeli su da im se trud koji su uložili u svoj odnos s Bogom itekako isplatio. “Nekad sam krivio svoju ženu za lošu komunikaciju u našem braku”, rekao je Fran. “No s vremenom sam shvatio da i ja moram učiniti svoj dio.” Larisa je pak kazala: “U teškim trenucima najviše nam je pomoglo to što oboje ljubimo Jehovu Boga. Već godinama redovito zajedno proučavamo Bibliju i molimo se. Kad vidim da Fran daje sve od sebe kako bi pokazivao kršćanske osobine, još ga više volim.” ^ odl. 3 Imena su promijenjena. RAZMISLITE... - Kad sam se posljednji put molio Bogu zajedno sa svojim bračnim drugom? - Kako mogu potaknuti svog bračnog druga da sa mnom otvorenije razgovara o Bogu?