http___www.jw.org_hr_izdanja_casopisi_wp20091101_briga-za-bracnog-parnera__1.xml
1.1 2.1 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 4.5 5.1 5.2 5.3 6.1 6.2 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 7.6 7.7 8.1 8.2 8.3 8.4 8.5 9.1 9.2 9.3 10.1 11.1 11.2 11.3 11.4 12.1 12.2 12.3 12.4 12.5 13.1 13.2 14.1 14.2 14.3 15.1 15.2 15.3 16.1 17.1 17.2 17.3 18.1 18.2 18.3 18.4 18.5 19.1 19.2 19.3 19.4 19.5 20.1 20.2 20.3 20.4 20.5 20.6 21.1 21.2 21.3 22.1 23.1 23.2 23.3 23.4 24.1 24.2 24.3 24.4 25.1 25.2 25.3 25.4 25.5 25.6 25.7 25.8 25.9 26.1 26.2 27.1 27.2 27.3 28.1 28.2 29.1 30.1 31.1 32.1 33.1 34.1 35.1 36.1 37.1
Keys to Family Happiness When a Spouse Has Special Needs Since I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, my husband has had to do all the secular work. But he never talks to me about our bills. Why does he leave me completely in the dark like this? Our finances must be in such bad shape that he knows I’ll panic if I find out. MARRIAGE can be a challenge, but when one mate becomes chronically ill while the other remains healthy, complications can multiply. * Are you caring for an infirm mate? If so, do any of the following questions worry you: ‘How will I cope if my mate’s health declines even further? How long can I continue to take care of my mate and also do all the cooking, cleaning, and secular work? Why do I feel guilty for being the healthy one?’ On the other hand, if you are the ailing spouse, you might wonder: ‘How can I respect myself when I’m unable to carry my load of responsibility? Does my mate resent me for being sick? Is our happiness as a couple over?’ Sadly, some marriages have not survived the strain caused by a chronic illness. Yet, this does not mean that your marriage is doomed to failure. Many couples survive and even thrive despite the presence of a chronic ailment. Consider, for example, Yoshiaki and Kazuko. A spinal injury rendered Yoshiaki unable to make even the slightest movement without assistance. Kazuko explains: “My husband needs assistance with everything. As a result of caring for him, my neck, shoulders, and arms ache, and I am an outpatient at an orthopedic hospital. I often feel that caregiving is overwhelming.” Despite the difficulties, however, Kazuko says: “Our bond as a couple has become stronger.” What, then, is the key to happiness under such circumstances? For one thing, those who retain a healthy measure of satisfaction and contentment in their marriage view the illness as an assault not only on the ailing spouse but on the two of them as a couple. After all, if one mate is sick, both are deeply affected, even if in different ways. This interdependent relationship between a husband and wife is described at Genesis 2:24: “A man will leave his father and his mother and he must stick to his wife and they must become one flesh.” Thus, when a spouse has an ongoing physical ailment, it is critical that both husband and wife work together to meet the challenge. Additionally, research shows that couples who maintain a good relationship in the face of chronic illness accept their situation and learn effective ways to adapt to it. Many of the coping skills that they have learned echo the timeless advice found in the Bible. Consider the following three suggestions. Show Consideration for One Another “Two are better than one,” states Ecclesiastes 4:9. Why? Because, explains verse 10, “if one of them should fall, the other one can raise his partner up.” Do you ‘raise your partner up’ with expressions of appreciation? Are you able to look for ways to be of practical assistance to each other? Yong, whose wife is partially paralyzed, says: “I try to be considerate of my wife on every occasion. Whenever I feel thirsty, I consider that she too might be thirsty. If I want to go outside and view the beautiful scenery, I ask her if she would like to join me. We are sharing the pain and enduring the situation together.” On the other hand, if you are receiving care from your mate, are there certain things that you can do for yourself without threatening your health? If so, this can boost your feelings of self-worth and may contribute to your mate’s ability to continue providing care. Rather than assume that you know the best way to show consideration for your spouse, why not ask him or her what would be most appreciated? Nancy, mentioned at the outset, eventually told her husband how she was affected by not knowing the family’s financial status. Now her husband endeavors to be more communicative in this regard. TRY THIS: List ways that you feel your mate can make your present situation a little easier, and have your spouse do the same. Then switch lists. Each of you should select one or two suggestions that can realistically be implemented. Have a Balanced Schedule “For everything there is an appointed time,” wrote wise King Solomon. (Ecclesiastes 3:1) However, it may seem impossible to maintain a balanced schedule, given the disrupting effect that a chronic sickness can have on a family’s routine. What can you do to achieve at least a measure of balance? Together you might take regular breaks from serious medical concerns. Can you still enjoy some of the things you shared before illness struck? If not, what new activities can you try? It could be something as simple as reading to each other or as challenging as learning a new language. Having a life together outside the illness will strengthen your “one flesh” bond Another aid to maintaining balance is being in the company of others. The Bible states at Proverbs 18:1: “One isolating himself will seek his own selfish longing; against all practical wisdom he will break forth.” Did you note in that verse that isolation can have an undesirable effect on the mind? By contrast, periodic association with others can lift your spirits and help restore mental perspective. Why not take the initiative to invite someone to visit you? At times, balance becomes a problem for caregiving spouses. Some take on too much work, slowly wear down, and endanger their own health. Eventually, they may even render themselves unable to continue providing care for their beloved mate. So if you are taking care of a chronically ill spouse, do not ignore your personal needs. Set aside regular quiet time to refresh yourself. * Some have found it therapeutic to talk out their anxieties from time to time with a trusted friend of the same sex. TRY THIS: List on paper the obstacles you face in taking care of your mate. Then make a list of steps you might take to overcome these or to cope with them more effectively. Instead of overanalyzing them, ask yourself, ‘What is the simplest, most obvious way to improve the situation?’ Try to Maintain a Positive Outlook The Bible warns: “Do not say: ‘Why has it happened that the former days proved to be better than these?’” (Ecclesiastes 7:10) So avoid dwelling on what might have been. Remember that in this world, all happiness is limited in some way. The key here is to accept your situation and make the best of it. What can help you and your mate in this regard? Discuss your blessings together. Take delight in even the smallest improvements in your health. Find things to look forward to, and set reachable goals together. A couple named Shoji and Akiko have applied the above advice with good results. At one point after Akiko was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, they had to leave a special assignment in the full-time Christian ministry. Were they disappointed? Naturally. Yet, Shoji advises any in similar circumstances: “Do not discourage yourself by thinking about things that you can no longer do. Keep a positive outlook. Even if you both have the hope of returning to a normal routine someday, concentrate for now on your life as it is. For me, that means focusing my attention on my wife and helping her.” Such practical advice can help you too if your spouse has special needs. ^ par. 3 Some names have been changed. ^ par. 4 This article discusses situations wherein a spouse has an ongoing physical illness. However, couples who are coping with physical problems because of an accident or with emotional difficulties such as depression can also be helped by applying the following material. ^ par. 20 Depending on your circumstances, it may be advisable to look into getting at least some part-time help from health-care professionals or community agencies if available. ASK YOURSELF . What do my mate and I most need to do right now? Talk more about the illness Talk less about the illness Worry less Show more consideration for each other Have a mutual interest outside the illness Have more social contact Have mutual goals
1.1 2.1 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 4.1 4.2 4.3 4.4 4.5 5.1 5.2 5.3 6.1 6.2 7.1 7.2 7.3 7.4 7.5 7.6 7.7 8.1 8.2 8.3 8.4 8.5 8.6 8.7 9.1 9.2 9.3 10.1 11.1 11.2 11.3 12.1 12.2 12.3 12.4 12.5 13.1 13.2 14.1 14.2 14.3 15.1 15.2 15.3 15.4 16.1 17.1 17.2 17.3 18.1 18.2 18.3 18.4 18.5 19.1 19.2 19.3 19.4 20.1 20.2 20.3 20.4 20.5 21.1 21.2 21.3 22.1 23.1 23.2 23.3 23.4 24.1 24.2 24.3 24.4 25.1 25.2 25.3 25.4 25.5 25.6 25.7 25.8 25.9 26.1 27.1 27.2 28.1 29.1 30.1 31.1 32.1 33.1 34.1 35.1 36.1 37.1
Savjeti za sretan obiteljski život Kad je bračnom partneru potrebna posebna njega Otkad mi je dijagnosticiran sindrom kroničnog umora, samo je moj muž u radnom odnosu. On nikad ne razgovara sa mnom o našim troškovima. Pitam se zašto mi ništa ne govori o tome. Sigurno smo u jako lošoj financijskoj situaciji, pa se vjerojatno boji da će me uhvatiti panika ako mi nešto kaže (Nina). BRAK ima svojih izazova, ali kad jedan partner oboli od neke kronične bolesti, život se može jako zakomplicirati. * Je li vaš bračni partner tako bolestan da treba posebnu njegu? Muči li vas neko od sljedećih pitanja: “Kako ću izdržati ako se bolest moga bračnog partnera još više pogorša? Koliko ću se još moći brinuti za njega uza sve ostale obaveze — kuhanje, čišćenje i posao? Zašto imam osjećaj krivnje zbog toga što sam zdrav?” S druge strane ako ste vi bolesni, možda se pitate: “Kako mogu imati samopoštovanje kad nisam u stanju izvršavati svoje obaveze? Zamjera li mi moj bračni partner zbog moje bolesti? Hoćemo li ikad više biti sretni?” Nažalost, neki su se brakovi raspali zbog problema izazvanih kroničnom bolešću. No to ne znači da je vaš brak osuđen na propast. Mnogi bračni parovi ne samo da su se othrvali problemima koje sa sobom donosi kronična bolest nego su i jako sretni. Neka nam kao primjer posluže Yoshiaki i Kazuko. Zbog ozljede kralježnice Yoshiaki ne može sam učiniti ni najmanji pokret. Kazuko kaže: “Mom mužu stalno treba pomoć. Briga za njega utječe i na moje zdravlje. Imam bolove u vratu, leđima i rukama, pa redovito idem na fizikalnu terapiju. Često imam osjećaj da ne mogu više izdržati.” No unatoč svim tim poteškoćama ona kaže: “Naš je brak sada još čvršći.” Što je u takvim okolnostima presudno za sretan brak? Važno je da osoba u dovoljnoj mjeri ostane zadovoljna svojim brakom unatoč bolesti svog partnera. Onda će njegovu bolest doživljavati kao svoju. Na koncu, ako je jedan bračni partner bolestan, njegova bolest snažno utječe i na drugoga, iako na drugačiji način. Riječi iz 1. Mojsijeve 2:24 ukazuju na to da su muž i žena ovisni jedno o drugome. Ondje stoji: “Čovjek će ostaviti oca svojega i majku svoju i prionut će uza ženu svoju i njih dvoje postat će jedno tijelo.” Dakle kad jedan bračni partner ima neku kroničnu bolest, izuzetno je važno da se oboje bore s problemima koji uslijed toga nastaju. Osim toga istraživanja pokazuju da bračni partneri koji ostaju bliski unatoč bolesti lakše prihvate svoju situaciju i brže joj se prilagode. Mnogo toga što im pomaže nositi se sa svojim okolnostima odražava neprolaznu biblijsku mudrost. U nastavku ćemo razmotriti tri biblijska savjeta koja im mogu pomoći da budu sretni. Budite obzirni jedno prema drugome “Bolje je dvojici nego jednome”, stoji u Propovjedniku 4:9. Zašto im je bolje? U 10. retku stoji: “Ako jedan padne, drugi će podignuti druga svojega.” ‘Podižete li’ vi svoga bračnog partnera tako što mu dajete do znanja da ga cijenite? Razmišljate li o konkretnim načinima na koje možete pomoći jedno drugome? Yong, čija je žena djelomično paralizirana, kaže: “Nastojim uvijek biti obziran prema svojoj ženi. Kad god sam žedan, pomislim da bi i ona mogla biti žedna. Kad poželim otići van i uživati u prirodi, upitam je želi li poći sa mnom. Zajedno podnosimo bol i zajedno se borimo s bolešću.” S druge strane ako ste bolesni i vaš se bračni partner brine za vas, razmišljajte o tome možete li sami nešto učiniti za sebe, ali pazite da ne pogoršate svoju situaciju. Tako možete povećati svoje samopoštovanje i pomoći bračnom partneru da se i dalje brine za vas. Umjesto da pretpostavljate što vaš bračni partner želi, bilo bi dobro upitati ga što bi on najviše volio. Nina, koju smo spomenuli u uvodu, na koncu je rekla mužu kako se osjeća zato što ništa ne zna o njihovoj financijskoj situaciji. Njezin muž sada se trudi više razgovarati s njom o tome. PRIJEDLOG: Napišite kako bi vam po vašem mišljenju bračni partner mogao barem donekle olakšati situaciju. Neka i on učini isto. Potom jedno drugom dajte te napisane prijedloge. Neka svatko od vas izabere jedan ili dva prijedloga koja biste mogli primijeniti. Pazite da se ne preopteretite “Sve ima svoje vrijeme”, napisao je mudri kralj Salamun (Propovjednik 3:1). No budući da je kroničnoj bolesti obično sve drugo podređeno, možda izgleda nemoguće pronaći vrijeme za sve što je potrebno. Što možete učiniti da se ne biste preopteretili obavezama? Zajedno možete odrediti vrijeme kada ćete se baviti nečim što će vam misli odvratiti od bolesti. Možete li još uvijek raditi nešto u čemu ste nekada uživali? Ako vam bolest to onemogućava, možete li se početi baviti nečim novim? Mogli biste raditi nešto vrlo jednostavno, naprimjer čitati jedno drugom, ali i zahtjevno, naprimjer učiti neki strani jezik. Potrudite se da bolest ne bude jedino što vam je zajedničko jer ćete tako ojačati svoj brak i biti sretniji. Druženje s drugim ljudima može vam pomoći da se ne opteretite negativnim mislima. U Mudrim izrekama 18:1 stoji: “Tko se osamljuje, ide za sebičnim željama svojim, suprotstavlja se svakoj mudrosti.” Jeste li zapazili da taj redak kaže kako osamljivanje može negativno utjecati na naše razmišljanje? Za razliku od toga povremeno druženje s drugima može vas oraspoložiti i pomoći vam da uravnoteženo gledate na sebe i svoju situaciju. Zašto ne biste nekoga pozvali u goste? Ponekad je onome koji njeguje bolesnoga bračnog partnera teško uravnotežiti sve obaveze i možda se nakon nekog vremena više ne može brinuti za njega. To se događa zato što na sebe uzima prevelik teret, iscrpljuje se do krajnjih granica i ugrožava svoje zdravlje. Ako njegujete kronično bolesnoga bračnog partnera, nemojte zanemarivati svoje potrebe. Redovito odvojite nešto vremena za sebe da biste se mogli opustiti i ponovno skupiti snagu. * Neki su uvidjeli da im jako pomaže ako s vremena na vrijeme o svojim brigama razgovaraju s povjerljivim prijateljem istog spola. PRIJEDLOG: Napišite na koje probleme nailazite dok se brinete za bračnog partnera. Zatim napišite kako biste ih mogli riješiti ili se lakše nositi s njima. Nemojte ih previše detaljno analizirati, nego razmislite koji je najjednostavniji i najpraktičniji način da poboljšate situaciju. Zadržite pozitivan stav Biblija savjetuje: “Ne govori: ‘Zašto su prijašnja vremena bila bolja od ovih?’” (Propovjednik 7:10). Prema tome nemojte razmišljati kako bi vaš život izgledao da vam bračni partner nije bolestan. Ne zaboravite da u ovom svijetu nitko nije potpuno sretan. Najvažnije je prihvatiti svoju situaciju i nositi se s njom najbolje što možemo. Što vam može pomoći da u tome uspijete? Razgovarajte o lijepim trenucima koje ste doživjeli. Radujte se čak i malim znacima oporavka. Pronađite nešto čemu se možete veseliti i postavljajte realne zajedničke ciljeve. Robert i Anita primijenili su savjete o kojima smo govorili. To je pozitivno utjecalo na njihov brak. Nakon što je Aniti dijagnosticirana fibromijalgija, morali su prekinuti posebnu službu koju su obavljali u zajednici Jehovinih svjedoka. Jesu li zbog toga bili razočarani? Naravno da jesu. No svima koji se nalaze u sličnoj situaciji Robert poručuje: “Nemojte se obeshrabrivati razmišljajući o onome što više ne možete raditi. Budite pozitivni. Čak i ako se oboje nadate da će se jednom sve vratiti u normalu, prihvatite sadašnju situaciju. Za mene to znači poklanjati pažnju svojoj ženi i pomagati joj.” Ti praktični savjeti mogu pomoći i vama ako je vašem bračnom partneru potrebna posebna njega. ^ odl. 3 Neka su imena promijenjena. ^ odl. 4 U ovom članku govori se o situacijama kad je jedan bračni partner kronično bolestan. No primjena savjeta iz ovog članka može pomoći i bračnim parovima koji se bore s problemima nastalima uslijed neke nesreće ili s emocionalnim poremećajima, naprimjer depresijom. ^ odl. 20 Ovisno o svojim okolnostima, mogli biste razmisliti trebate li barem povremeno stručnu pomoć. RAZMISLITE... Što nam je sada najpotrebnije? Trebamo više razgovarati o bolesti Trebamo manje razgovarati o bolesti Trebamo se manje brinuti Trebamo biti obzirniji jedno prema drugome Trebamo paziti da bolest ne postane jedino što nam je zajedničko Trebamo se više družiti s drugima Trebamo imati zajedničke ciljeve