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NDE stories from the NDERF website Experience Research Foundation, NDERF, Jody Long and Jeffrey Long, MD. Copyright© © 2014 Experience Research Foundation, NDERF, Jody Long and Jeffrey Long, MD. All Rights Reserved world wide. No part of this publication may be replicated, redistributed, or given away in any form without the prior written consent of the author/publisher or the terms relayed to you herein. NDE'S COLLECTED BY NDERF.ORG This e-Book is the compilation of stories that were submitted to the NDERF.org website by people from all over the world. They are stories from every day people who for some reason or other have died or came close to death and have had an experience that they couldn't explain. The people who have written these stories are from all walks of life, from various ages in their life , ( from very young ) to ( very old ), from all different religions and even from people who never practiced or believed in any religion at all….. Before the age of the internet they had nowhere to write out their experience where other people could read about it, and if they tried to talk to anybody about their experience, quite often they found that People didn't believe them People thought they were crazy They were told that they imagined it all or were hallucinating They were told to not talk about their experience for various reasons Or many other things that made it so they were afraid to share their experience, or just didn't have anywhere to share the experience . Then came the age of the Internet and web sites like Dr Long's NDERF.org where someone was taking them seriously and they were given a place to express their story in their own words , anonymously, so that nobody could personally ridicule them. Over 13 years of collecting the stories, there have been about 3600 collected so far but they are all on the internet and for someone to read them, they need to have an internet connection. The purpose of us creating an e-Book of all the stories is so that they can be read offline in the various e-Book readers when you the reader so desires even if you don't have an internet connection . We would also like to make them available for people who are dying and worried about what will happen when they die , to give them some hope and comfort that this is not the end of Life , but more so the beginning of a new chapter in their never ending life. We as the compilers of these stories do not claim that they are true or claim that they are false….. We only claim that these are the stories written by everyday people like yourself who believe themselves that they experienced what they have written. We only wish to make these stories available to you, the reader so that you may form your own opinion, whatever that may be, as we are non partial and we are open to everybody's opinions and thoughts, whatever they may be Good or Bad Negative or Positive Believe or Not Believe We are presenting the stories , the information, with the hopes that it will help others to make their own choice and help to formulate your own beliefs … NDERF does not endorse, encourage or advocate for suicide in any way, shape or form. NDE's - First part of 2004 It's simple. I'm 14…it's Saturday and I'm riding my bicycle home from across town. I was going pretty fast down the hill toward a stop sign and busy route 31. Bushes and trees obstructed my view of the road to the left and right, and I was going too fast to stop. I decided to take my chances and dash across the highway. The very second I made that decision, I had a feeling of doom…a few seconds later…BAM! I was broadsided dead center by a car doing over 40 miles an hour. I remember the initial impact…my left leg was shattered…at that very instant…everything went slow motion…. I felt no pain…but realized I had just begun getting hit by a car , and was it was not over yet. The next thing I remember was hitting the windshield…at which point everything went black for a moment….then…. I was looking down at the accident scene. I had been thrown about 50 feet…the windshield was shattered but held together…my body leaving a large depression in the semi-penetrated glass. I saw myself on the ground in a fetal position on my right side. Somebody came up from behind and kneeled …leaned forward and touched my shoulder. It was the driver of another car that had stopped. At that moment , I realized that it really was me down there… in my blue shirt and jeans, laying in the middle of route 31. My beautiful metallic blue Schwinn 5 speed was mangled. A few seconds later… judging by the activity I was seeing)….. I wondered how I could be up here and down there at the same time. Then a few seconds later… I was “sucked” for lack of a better word, back into my body. The next image I saw was a close up of route 31 pavement. I mentioned it in the ER… but they were concentrating on my injuries. I have mentioned to people over the years… but you have to experience it to believe it, and it does change the way one thinks about death. I only fear the deaths people I love… and will miss them. But I know there IS something on the other side… I have been there. That's about the size of it. I was in a car accident, where my ribs were broken just before I died. As I slipped from my body I was standing all of a sudden in an area filled with red and green flowers. and off a little ways was a building and a man standing there, he told me to go to the window, I was amazed and confused about where I was and wondering how I got there from just being in a car wreck a min ago. I went to the window and they told me its not my time and to go back, so I went back to where I was standing when I first got there, and next thing I knew I was in the car accident again, back in pain once again. I was unable to swim when I was pushed into a pool at the deep end. I sank like a rock when I touched the bottom of the pool my self as I call it came out of my body. I was instantly up and to the right of my body behind the right shoulder. I was very aware of the body I saw drowning was mine. Yet I had no sympathy for it as I watched it drown and struggle for life, I was completely unattached to it. I questioned immediately how can I be there and here at the same time? I put my hands out in front of me and touched them together and felt the touch and recognized that they were my hands. I could not understand how this could be I took a deep breath and said, “wow I can breathe under water!” I was distracted by the voices of those poolside discussing the fate of my body as it drown. I could clearly here there words and was aware of their emotions concerning my drowning body but I still did not care about it and returned my attention to the fact that it did not hurt at all to die. I was amazed at how much more real and vibrant the colors and light around me were. This is real and that body there was just a coat I had been wearing. It felt good to be out of it. I felt free from pain, confusion and all the heaviness of the weight of life on ones shoulders. My entire perspective on life was changing as fast as I could think. As I was basking in the wonder of it all the same one who pushed me in jumped in to get me. I watched as she pulled the body to the top of the water. As fast as my self came out of the body, it went back in and I was instantly very angry about it . I could now feel the experience the body had while I was separate from it. It had been terrified and angry, scared and afraid. I had not experienced any of that yet now I was being forced to feel the state the flesh felt even though I wasn't there with it when it happened. I never saw through the body's eyes I could only feel what it was feeling about what had happened to it. I was also aware that nobody there had seen my self come out of me and I could not say anything to them about it. It seemed that while in the body it had priority and control of all my actions while in it. It had a strong survival instinct and was not aware of the fact that it is really ok to die. I then was aware that it doesn't hurt the self to separate but it hurts the body very badly . The self can experience the body while in it but the body cannot experience the self it is completely unaware of it's existence. I died for about 3 or 4 minutes 11 years ago and entered this other dimension that I took as being Heaven, certainly an afterlife. It was really beautiful, with gardens and fountains and small, countryside hills. The people appeared in Greek or Roman dress, very comfortable with white robes and sandal type shoes. A pocket of females were conversing near a majestic water fountain that also displayed Greek decor, with Seraphim, ivy and fruit. I didn't know what to do or say, so I just stood there and looked at them. A gorgeous blonde haired one lifted her head my way and the others turned to greet me with very warm smiles. Then a man walking down a brick path to my left suddenly appeared waving his arms to the group of women calling to them, “No! Do not speak to him, it is not his time.” The man was bearded and looked human, unlike the other Romanesque “Angels' of beauty. Inf act he was wearing blue jeans and a checkered flannel shirt. He approached me to give me instruction, but when I slammed back into my body and later awakened in intensive care at the hospital, I do not remember at all what this man said to me. I recall entering the afterlife paradise instantly as if surfacing from a pool of water, the images became clearer until I was literally at this garden spot about 15 yards from the group of women talking. I did not recall any feeling of wind, a sun or any other upper atmosphere or planets. It was daylight, pleasant, colorful, but no weather, sunlight or water other than the fountain at which the women gathered. It was a very pretty place. I experienced it all as if looking through my eyes and did not have a body or spiritual form that I could detect. Dan T., Richmond Virginia. This occurred on October 27th, 1993 At approx. 1:30 PM on Sunday, Sept. 16th, 1979, I was traveling South on Arkansas Highway 7. This is generally located South of Russellville and the Arkansas River and more specifically South of the smaller town of Dardanelle. I had just reached the small community of Centerton and was enjoying a ride on my Kawasaki 400cc motorcycle. The destination was to a girl's house just a few more miles away for a Sunday dinner on this perfect weather day; nearly a total blue sky. A darker kind of blue sky that seems to be rarely witnessed in this day & age. I began to take an easy curve to the left, and was moving at 60 mph while rounding the curve back into a South direction. I then noticed a large car stopped in the road, with the front end angled somewhat to the left as it was starting to turn into a driveway. The right side to back of the car still took up a lot of space on the right side of the road. I assumed it would turn on in, but then realized the driver seemed panicked & nervous. A large lady behind the wheel began waving her hands in a way that let me know she didn't know what to do. I knew then that hitting my brakes would only allow me to hit the back end more slowly, and I typically moved to my left better than my right, so I followed my instinct to try maneuvering the bike around the left side. I was wearing boots, and they helped give me enough stability to press my left foot into the gravel off the side of the road. I gained leverage and worked the bike back to a south direction while avoiding a ditch and going out of control. It might also have been a good thing that I was into power-lifting at that time; the good shape I was in and the added strength had to help. My goal was to skim along the left shoulder of the road and just get by the left side of the car. But, as the front end was angled in towards the driveway, it cut me off and I bumped the side a couple of times. I noticed my speed at 45 mph, and then my elbow knocked the mirror off of the driver side of the car door. I maintained enough control to think I might make it through and then noticed the inevitable when I looked ahead. A row of 3 mail boxes, and each on very thick mounted posts. I just knew this could be the end for me, and I quickly and sincerely uttered “Dear God please let me stay, I don't want to go now.” And then a moment of duality. Physically, I knew I was going through the mail boxes. But before I heard anything hit, I immediately began to feel “myself” being pulled up. As I then looked up, I noticed my right arm extended up, and wondered to my self why it was so silky white. Forearm and hand, with texture, yet transparent. That deep blue sky all around. I was still marveling at my arm, and when realizing that I was higher in the air, these sparks began to form. Not exactly like a typical spark of electricity, but similar along with a thicker dimension to each spark. As a type of plasma with just enough of a thickness to notice black on one edge or side and silver on another side. A spark, then three, then they began to “stream” together into a vertical line and travel down, then to my left, then upwards and then back to the right. Clockwise from my perspective at that time and place. Sparks flew as the “window” formed and the black/silver tones were still there. An orderly, crisp popping noise was present the entire time until an almost square rectangle had formed. As I was looking at this and really focusing on it, w/o losing a wince of consciousness, a presence of “others” began to show. There was a larger presence with at least three others around him. Seemed like a “him”. I looked at the 3 others, and noticed distinct faces. Very concerned looks, and there may have been more of them, but the larger presence became even larger and I changed my focus back to him. I only saw him from the waist on up. As if a type of table or device with borders was in front of him, blocking view to any other part. All of this was occurring inside of the borders of the “window” that opened up. I felt small compared to what I was looking at. Flames of what seemed like fire shot up in his eyes. Moving hot flames rising over what appeared to be like burning embers of hot coal. He seemed to be over 15 ft. tall, though I have no real idea of what size would have been like in the place that I was being drawn into. It's not like I was totally pulled inside, but I was right at the opening and lost all sight of that blue sky. There appeared to be a type of white robe type of clothing covering him from his neck on down. His hair was very wavy and somewhat long. It appeared to be full of a type of static electricity. Silvery hair, very white body and face, with grayish to dark outlines and features. Grand and masterful looking, not scary at all, but with the presence to be reverent of. For a moment, I looked at the others, and they still had a deep concerned look about them. There may have been more than three, but I didn't take time to totally notice. They were of more normal size and were really fixed on watching me. Their hair was somewhat wavy and long, and they had distinct eyebrows. I began to realize that time seemed different, and there was a “rushing wind” sound that was going on while time was slower. I could also hear what was happening on the motorcycle, but this hearing seemed to be in slow motion. The thought I had at the time seemed like listening to a semi-solid wrap of sausage being beaten against a metal wall. I then looked back up, and this large lead presence had it all under control. How? My eyes became stuck to viewing his, because I could have never imagined it. They had begun to turn into a whirlpool of plasma like energy. Both eyes were spinning w/ layers that gave it that whirlpool look. Seemed clockwise from my perspective. The deepest look of concentration you could experience. I then began to feel myself to pull back, and the lead presence and others began to shrink away, the window became smaller, blue sky was noticed, the popping sounds came back, that boundary of plasma energy began to move counter-clockwise with sparks of energy sparking away as the line went back to where it had come from, followed by a few sparks and then disappearing. I felt my self come back down and I was steering the motorcycle through the last mail box, when I knew the bike was about to fall over. I took it on faith that I should just leap forwards off of it, and though I hadn't had time to mull it all over, I knew that because of what I had been experiencing, I would be fine by jumping away from the crash. I sprung up into the air at about a 30 degree angle and sprawled my body with hands spread out in front and legs fully extended away from my waist. While shooting through the air, my instinct was to look up and to my right, and I saw three of the others that I had seen earlier. One face at a time with each in its own “cloud” like enclosure. They seemed to be concentrating on me, and apparently helped finish the process of keeping me alive and not hurt nearly as badly as I could have been. I landed and skidded on the shoulder of the highway and finished by turning over a few times in the grass. My blue jeans had some black marks on the right leg and grass stains on the left, with some scratches on the knees of the pants. They weren't ripped, and I suffered no bleeding on either leg. Very faint scratches on my knees and a strange mark on the medial side of my left leg just below the knee. I had never had any veins show through my skin on my legs, but since then & to this day, a small section of veins can be seen. It never did feel different. I was wearing a red jersey style tee shirt with white trim, including a white football in the chest area and “Arkansas Razorbacks” printed on it. After skidding, the right half was black with a few small holes, and the left side was green from the grass. The football was no longer white. To this day, I wish I hadn't washed it so much, or had worn it. I still have it, but most stains have been washed out. I had no scratches anywhere on my upper body, left arm or face. Shoulders, chest, backside were not affected whatsoever. My right arm was another story. I had a good rip on the elbow from the mirror it knocked off of that car, and I had two large gashes on the medial side just down from the main area of my forearms. Some skin had been eroded away from the top part of the forearm, and scrapes and small gashes on the back and front of my right hand occurred. There was a lot of bleeding and gravel had been swept into the wounds. I could move my arm, and there were no broken bones, no joint injuries. I surprised the group of people who had gathered that I was up walking around, and picked up and accessed the damage to the bike. They told me I should take a look at myself, and be checked out. At the time they were talking to me, I was fully cognizant of the experience I had just had, and was sorting it out. I knew I didn't need to be worried about anything. My first thought while setting in the grass before getting up? It wasn't that I told myself it was a miracle, but I thought to myself that it was “scientific”. I wasn't upset about the motorcycle or about the car that wouldn't move. I found out from the highway patrolman that the lady suffered from high anxiety and heart problems, and she just froze when she saw my motorcycle coming up in her rearview mirror. I knew something grand had happened, and thanked God for the angels he sent to help, though they didn't look like “textbook” angels. The motorcycle was in bad shape & too damaged to drive or start. It was nearly totaled and I later sold it as junk. I surveyed the mail boxes. All three were knocked off the posts, and it seemed that my right arm knocked the first one off, if not also the second. The first 8” diameter post was broke in half w/ both pieces laying to the side. The middle post was a railroad tie and it was knocked over at a 45 degree angle. The third post was 8“ like the first, and was knocked out of the ground on its side. All of these posts were to the left of the path I took. The helmet that I was wearing did not have a single scratch. I was face level w/ the mailboxes before striking them. I think that as my spirit was rising up, that my physical body came up some as well. By keeping my hands on the front handles, the arm took the brunt of the accident while my head missed it. I also noticed, after walking back towards the bike, that my Casio watch was missing. I never felt it pull on my left arm, scrape it or fly off. I was encouraged to go into the house where this happened and wash off in the bath tub. While I was doing this, the patrolman found my watch. It was about 15 feet in front of where I picked myself up at. The band wasn't broken, but we couldn't figure out how it came off. It may have popped open when I jumped off & extended my arms. I did think inside about how time seemed to slow down during the experience, and then speed back up when I came back down. So I kept wandering if that's why the watch was removed. Who knows? Before leaving the scene, eight bystanders seemed stunned. I just tried to be matter of fact about it all. I was full of energy, and beaming on the inside. I couldn't really tell anyone exactly what had just happened, as I didn't know them well enough. They convinced me to ride with the patrolman into Dardanelle to the hospital, and he also thought I should stay overnight just to make sure there were no internal injuries. The worst part was the large pan of hydrogen peroxide that my right arm was dipped into. They didn't know where to start on my arm, so they dipped it all at once. I hadn't had any pain from the accident until that happened. I called my roommate from Arkansas Tech University, and he brought some items up for me. While waiting for him, I was laying in the hospital bed (felt foolish, because I knew nothing else was wrong) and another person in the room was hooked to some machine. It happened to quit working and a nurse came in. She became quite perplexed as it had never quit, shouldn't have quit and should have been on a back up plan to restart. Frustrated, she left to find a doctor. My mind had been going through a lot, as this experience was “burned” into my consciousness. No doubt, all experience. I felt a surge of confidence in my faith, and meditated that the machine would start back up w/in 30 seconds. It did, and when the nurse came back in, she couldn't understand it and felt embarrassed by an upset doctor she brought in. My friend brought some items in for me, and I finally had to tell someone what had happened with me. He was from a much different background than me spiritually, but we were both becoming more non-denominational at the time, and he listened w/ great interest. And he knew I was honest, that I wouldn't have a reason to fantasize about it. My arm was totally bandaged from the fingers to the shoulder, and I wasn't able to bend it enough to even drink a glass of water. So I wrote left handed the next two weeks, lifted my weights w/ just my left arm and did as much normally as I could. At two weeks, the bandages were taken off and the doc was very impressed with how well it looked. Just minor bandages after that and I could resume any activity that wouldn't knock them off. I was in the hospital and the nurses and doctors were checking what meds I could- or could not have because of a medic alert bracelet. suddenly I was standing over my body and watching what was going on. Someone called for the crash cart. Everyone was racing around. I thought, well, I must be dead, so what am I supposed to do? Then I looked to the right. I floated in the direction of a tunnel and light. Grandmother was there. Then, grandfather and my dad, all long dead. Grandmother told me not to go there. The time was not yet. Then I saw a man in flowing white robes with a book. the book was opened and on it was writing in gold. The book was white. He turned the pages and there were blank places on some of the pages. He told me that this was to show me that there were times when things were blanked out and remembered no more because I had done things to overcome wrong doing. Then a man spoke to me from behind. He asked me three times why I wanted to die. My three youngest children were aged eleven, thirteen and fourteen. So my first response was, my children. He replied that it was not a good enough reason. Then he showed me what would happen to the children if I did not go back. He said that I had provided wisely for my children in case something should ever happen to me. they would be adopted and raised by a family from the Blood Indian reserve. They would adjust, be well educated and do very well. Then he said, “Now, why do you want to live?” I replied, my vow. It was like the gentle voice that was penetrating my being through mental telepathy had suddenly turned to thunder. He replied, “Finally you have remembered your vow. You have been so busy getting an education, getting a good job and getting ahead in the world, you have put your vow last. If you are allowed to return you must put your vow first above all else. Do this and all that you need and even desire will be added to you. Just one thing. You will be left with a reminder to put your vow first for the remainder of your life. A reminder to go slow and not run.” Then I floated over to my body and entered it through the head and shoulders. The vow was made ten years previous when I was given 3 to 6 months to live. I promised that if I could live to raise my children, I would serve my people for the rest of my life. Since that experience I have put the vow first and my life has been richer for it. I am a type 1 diabetic. I lived on my own but when I felt ill I would stay at my parents. Well, on Saturday, November 20,1999, I had the flu and of course was with my parents. Nothing special. My parents wanted me to go to the ER, but I of course, refused and said the next day I would go if not better. Well, I stayed on the couch that night due in part to the fact I could walk straight and all the pain and trouble breathing. As the night went on I started to do some crazy things. I thought the alarm clock my mom brought down was a glass of water and picked it up to drink a few times. I also started to breath heavily and go in and out of deep sleep. Then, I woke up at 8:10 and started talking to my mom. (she was in a recliner behind me) I told her it was my time to go and that I loved her and all I ever wanted out of life was to be a happy girl. I kept telling her this over and over. In between though, I kept telling the person who was waiting for me to “shut up, and quit being an asshole.” This person I did not know or ever seen before, but he was there to take me with him. All the while this was going on my sister upstairs could hear and kept thinking to herself “shut up already” then she said she heard a voice say “she's dying” over and over. During this time my mom came over to the couch and laid down on the other end and rubbed my extremely cold legs (as she put it) and got me to go back to sleep. By 8:25, I was gone. My mom woke up to use the restroom around 10 and get me ready for the ER visit. When a voice said to her, “she's dead and you'd better do something.” That's when my mom ran to me (mind you I am right be side her watching and listening to her). Then she ran for my dad. My sister came down at the time and told my mom to look at me and said she's dead. (I was the “death grey” as they call it.) My dad came down and shook me and yelled for me to wake up. Then he thought coffee table out of the way and my mom did compressions and my dad did breaths. My sister called 911 and I hung with her on the porch for awhile until I heard a siren in the distance. Then suddenly I was grabbed up and felt myself go into what was like a waiting room. It was peaceful and I loved it. I wanted to stay. I had an overview of my life, who I should be with and who I shouldn't, what life was and a taste of it I guess is a way to put it. I only remember a feeling of it now but at the time I know it was beautiful. I also remember hearing prayers from my family. I remember some of their thoughts and fears too. I remember them being told that I was down way too long and I was, as I put it now, MUSH. They need to let me go. Then I remember prayers. I wanted to stay and I guess you could say fought to stay and was angry I got pushed back out and told to live. That's when to the amazement of everyone, I opened my eyes and held out my hand to my shocked parents sitting beside me. I couldn't say anything because of the tube down my throat but I do remember looking a the little board across from my bed and it said, Monday, November 22,1999 and your nurses today are, Terri and Teresa. And I went back to sleep. Only to find many visitors who couldn't believe I was alive staring at me. I went through, pardon my pun, hell to get were I am today. I remember the peace and goodness I felt but also a slight anger towards being back. I've tried to talk about all this and more to my mom but it's too much for her and she herself has been through hell and back due to this. My sister has been great and my husband (I was dating him at the time) has been wonderful too. It's so hard to put in words the feelings and words that were spoken during my out time”. It's hard to find the right words to write to you to even have you begin to understand an ounce of what it was like. No meanness meant. I was lying in bed, as I do right before I go to sleep. I reached over and turned off my light. the next thing I knew, there was a sharp pain in my chest, and then a blanket of darkness fell over me. Suddenly, there was a popping feeling from my body, and the next thing I knew I was floating above my bed. I was floating above my body. I could see myself as another person would. it was not like a mirror, it was as if I was looking through someone else's eyes. I discovered that I could move, and at an expediential speed too. I examined my body, from top to bottom, front to back. I had a feeling of weightlessness, no more feeling. my body was just lying there, its eyes closed, its hand clutching its chest where the incident had occurred. all of the sudden, I noticed two figures, figures like me. I sensed that I knew them, but not in this life. in fact, not in any life. They greeted me, and asked me how I had taken all of this. I felt peaceful, no feelings of anguish or any sort of pain. we did not speak. there was no need. it was like telepathy, but even more evolved than that. I had remembered by this time that they were angels. my guardians. they were also my best friends before life, when I was not a physical being, but when I was like them. before all of this. one soon left, and the other told me to follow the path that I had chosen for myself. he told me that I could stay, and that often times many do, to comfort the loved ones, or I could leave then, and God could comfort them in my stead. He then left quickly. The next thing I knew, I was being sucked into a wake of some sort. a tunnel of blackness, or darkness. but it was not frightening. it was peaceful, and very warm. I could feel only good in that. I do not how long that had lasted, or even if there was such a concept as time at that moment. I was then released from the tunnel into pure light. I saw a figure approach. not really a figure as it was just a being made of light, with no form. it is difficult to explain. I knew at the moment I saw him it was Jesus, the Christ. he took me into his arms, and told me that I was not suppose to have entered this existence yet. he asked me if I had any questions about the world, and I did. thousands of them. and I asked, and he answered them just as quickly as I had asked them. I was gaining huge knowledge. about the world, and everything in it. about the existence of man, and its purpose. he then told me that he was to take me to the Father. He did so. As I exited the room of light, I entered a world, a new universe, filled with an uncountable number of colors. I noticed now I was pure light. I noticed others too. other deceased. all were made of light. I was taken to another place. it was as if it were billions of miles away, but we were there instantly. We entered a huge chamber, another chamber of light. There was a throne, sort of. God was sitting upon it, and Jesus at his right hand. The virgin mother was present as well, and also John the Baptist. God rose from his chair, and then greeted me. All the while, since I had first seen Jesus, there was an irrepressible feeling of love. love for one another, and love for the world and all of its people. a feeling of overwhelming peace. there were no bad feelings in this entire experience. God asked me: How did you serve your fellow man? I told him that I did not know. Just then my soul filled with my entire past, and almost instantly it was over. my whole life was looked at and through, and my whole life was judged in an instant. God then told me that I had been judged justly and that I was welcomed into his kingdom of heaven, but that it was not my time to leave the human existence. he stated also since I was here already, he would not force me to leave. He told me that if I should leave, after experiencing such a thing, I would only go back to a world here the pain would now magnify. I was ornery at first to make this decision, but God told me exactly what my purpose should be. He told me my purpose, but then told me that most of the knowledge, including the knowledge of my purpose would be taken from me if I chose to go back. I do not remember the knowledge that was given to me, nor the purpose that God had in mind anymore. But I do still trust him. Apparently, I made the choice to come back. The world now is more painful than I remember it. But I have complete knowledge of where I am going now, and no fear. There is no need for me to have faith in the Lord now, as I have in my mind factual information. But anyway, I remember that all the way up to the point of choosing, and then I felt a rush, and some sort of breeze, as if i were traveling super speeds, and then a popping sensation. I then woke up on a hospital bed, where there was a sheet over me. I opened my eyes, and there was more darkness, but not pure darkness. just night darkness. I felt heavy. I felt cold and clammy. sweaty. I had a nasty taste in my mouth, and my chest hurt. I tried to lift my arm, but it hurt too much. I lay there, regaining my strength. then I push the sheet off, and walked out of the room. I went out a door, and recognized the hospital as the one I normally attend for my regular appointments and such. i went to the waiting room where my parents were. my mother was crying and my father looked dazed. I said something and they whipped their heads around. a doctor and nurse came running down the hall, and then more from another hall. my mom screamed and then fainted, and my father bolted up, as if terrified. The doctor just started asking questions, and I answered them as quickly as I could. I was dead for nearly 4 hours. It felt as if I was in heaven for days and days. They made me go back to my room, and my father followed. my mother was put up on her own bed. she woke up shortly after, and came running in, hugging and kissing me. they asked questions too. they told me that they saw me dead. my father had come in the night, shortly after I had expired. he heard a yell from me that I did not remember. he checked my pulse, and everything too and could find nothing. The doctors were 100 % sure I was dead. I had no activity in any part of my body. It is both a mystery why I had died in the way that I did, and then arose. I am living my life now as I had before, but with a new knowledge. a knowledge that strengthens not only me, but all whom I talk to. I was at the hospital, but I did not know where, and I was in great pain, so great I felt I could not bear it anymore. I looked around me and it seemed like I was in a space ship of some kind everything was stainless steel and white. I thought I'd been taken. (by Aliens, perhaps? But I realized this was only wishful on my part.) (I've always wanted to be taken by a Space Ship to visit another planet.) My feelings were about not wanting to die yet - I have so much I want to do yet. I did not want to die, but I knew I could not bear the pain anymore. Then it seemed I was transported somewhere else - I don't remember any white lights or tunnels, nothing like that. But there was a great meadow of green grass and flowers, flowers in pink and purple and yellow. My mother was to the right near a bench, something like a park bench where one might sit to rest, and she was planting large plants beside the bench at the end of it. I think the flowers were orange tiger lilies. I tried to get her to look at me, but she would not. I called her and called her, and she paid no attention to me whatsoever. It was as if she could not see me or hear me. That made me feel so peaceful for some reason. So I moved on. Over to my left, on a hill was my best friend Buddy, who killed himself a few years ago. He was looking west, in the opposite direction of my mother. He appeared to be smoking a pipe, but he never smoked, so I know he wasn't smoking. Then I realized it was not my friend Buddy there, but Alfred Hitchcock. He gave me a chiding look and walked away, away from where I was. I was so tired after this experience I fell asleep where I was, in a very soft, plushy bed of pillows. I thought I was still going to die and had to wait. I don't know what I was waiting for, but I had to wait. So I slept as I waited. I felt no pain and I felt a relief from my heart, as if I did not have to worry about everything after all. When I woke up, it felt like I was being pulled from where I was in a whoosh - I was alive still, in enormous pain, and 3 of my friends were there looking at me smiling! They were Guy, Sandy, and Emily. My son went into insulin shock while sleeping and woke up trying to speak but he couldn't. He said afterward, he was invisible and could see himself and me and my wife as we tried to help him. This has happened twice while he was sleeping and he always says the same thing. That he could see himself. Well the first time he said he saw a monster barking at him but that was exactly the sound he was making during his fit. My son is very closed mouth about what happened to him and will not describe it any further than to say he goes invisible. When I asked him if he could see himself he said “yes.” I had this procedure done several times before and what I experienced was totally different than the last time. When I was given the medicine previously I remember feeling a strong jolt and instantly at that time my heart slowed down and was beating normally. I am on medication now that keeps my heart beating with a normal rhythm and it works beautifully. The condition that I have what is called Aortic Valve Regurgitation (means it doesn't close properly). I believe it is the cause of the rapid heartbeat also. My father had his Aortic Valve replaced. My grandmother had what they called a leaky valve. There wasn't much they could do for her at that time. My father said she would say “my heart is just running away with me”. I feel so bad that she wasn't able to get any relief from it. I got off the track, but this last time that I was in ER, it was handled in the exact same way and the results were the same. However, what I felt happening to me was not the same at all. I saw them put the medicine into my IV and immediately after I saw that something very odd happened to me. I have no idea what happened but I will try to explain it the best that I can. All of a sudden…… I was somewhere else. I didn't know where, but I was alone. The room that I was in was gone or maybe I was gone. But I wasn't in it. The doctor and nurse were gone, but they never left. I guess I left, but I don't know where I was. I can remember “ I wonder what I am doing.” I was not afraid or especially curious. I just kind of went along with what was happening like it didn't matter. I felt like I had left, or at least I had left the emergency room and everybody else. I believe I left my body too, because I couldn't see any of it. I also could not feel it. I just felt very light and peaceful ……. and curious. I felt as if I was in a recliner heading forward as if the grade was similar to a plane taking off. I wasn't going straight up but I was going up and forward. It was kind of dark, but not totally black. It was more like a gray misty color, rather like a fog. At the same time I felt as if I wasn't in the room anymore and was traveling along to somewhere and alone, a noise was part of the sensation. I couldn't hear the doctor or nurse talk or see them. It was just me. As I was going to say, at the exact same time I left and started to move through what was like space, a very strange noise was there. It was like a ZHOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM. It seemed to last a long time in a way, but I know it really didn't. I suddenly saw something I recognized……a circle of white clouds with a circle of blue sky in the middle. Then it was over and I knew I was back. I was in the room I had been a few seconds before and I remembered the faces of the doctor and nurse and they were just talking normally as though nothing had happened. I really wasn't sure but something very unnormal had just happened and I knew that if I lived to be 150 I would never forget it. In 1962 I was giving birth for the first time. Nurses had determined I needed pain medication, even though I was having none, only strong contractions. Immediately, I experienced extreme pain. It was as if my mind had separated, and the reasoning part was unable to coach the other part to relax and let the birth process proceed naturally. Soon labor stopped, and a shot was administered to begin the contractions again; then more Demerol, etc., etc. It felt as if someone was stomping on my spine each time I roused with contractions. In the delivery room, I was told to inhale of ether with each contraction, but when there was no relief from the pain I begged the anesthesiologist to please turn on the gas, and “Nothing is coming through.” I was crushing the hand of the student nurse, and finally, I could bear no more. I took a deep breath and just let go. Suddenly, I was overlooking the delivery table, which was surrounded by a staff of deeply worried nurses and doctors. I realized I was in no pain and rejoiced. But feeling sorry because of the anxiety below, I said, “It's okay… I don't hurt anymore.” I felt such incredible love for them, and when it was apparent that they hadn't heard me I said, “No really, I'm fine. I don't hurt.” I frowned, feeling slightly frustrated, wanting so much to help them understand that there was no need to be concerned about me. Then a male voice said, “Your baby needs you.” I looked around, noticing for the first time the gray, swirling mist, that I've come to call love. Such incredible love exists, more than we can imagine. I wanted to see the person behind the voice, who said again, with more emphasis now, “Your baby needs you.” I was confused, but looked at the table again, and this time saw my distraught husband handing our daughter to his mother, a stern woman whose penchant for time schedules was often in conflict with my lack of punctuality (even the baby was three weeks over-due). Many women came to comfort my husband, and he married, had more children with her, but our daughter was not allowed to be part of his new family. My beautiful child held out her hands to her father, who found reason after reason why he couldn't love her, and she was sad and sickly. But my mother-in -law absolutely beamed. I didn't want to go back into the pain, but enough was enough. “No way in hell will she have my baby,” I yelled at What's-his-name, and fled the mist. I think I must have scared them, for the mask was held over my nose and the ether turned on full enough to put me out for the forceps delivery. (Naturally, I didn't share this story with anyone for years). In 1969, after a troubled pregnancy during which I took DES throughout, I elected to try a spinal block for the delivery. Blue lights were pinging about, but until a second dose of “stuff” was added to the drip I was able to shake the lights away. I said, “Something's wrong,” but was told I was fine. I said it again, and suddenly three nurses are trying to locate the baby's heart-beat. Numbness is spreading from my feet upward. I'm watching this with interest, thinking, “They say that the brain is the last to die,” as the staff is yelling “Breathe, breathe,” at me. But I can't respond. The “Voice” enters here. “I'll help you breathe,” he says, and begins to inhale and exhale, compelling me to follow his directive. Immediately, i'm rushed into delivery, and the baby is literally pushed out of me. I was told that the problem was that I had refused the “relaxation shot” before the spinal was administered. (This is the shot that made me go lose control during labors one and two). A friend told me that the spinal had paralyzed my diaphragm. I was sailing with my wife and son. It was his first time out and my wife was showing him what to do. I was going to tack but she forgot to release the line. The sailboat capsized. There was a sailboat race going on so the safety boat came over to help right us. I hooked on a line and he pulled the boat upright but the line my wife had forgotten to release was still hooked and it went over again. There was 25 knot winds out that day. I went over to release the line so they could right it again, but I got caught in some lines and the boat kept going over. I couldn't get loose and I couldn't hold my breath any longer so I just gave up. All of a sudden a peace came over me and I was outside the boat looking towards my son. The safety asked if he could see me and he said no. I was next at the front of the boat looking at the safety boat with my wife in it, and I watched as they pulled the boat upright again. As the boat came upright I was suddenly back in it on top of the lines. I raised my head up and looked at them and unlocked the sail that was locked. They towed the boat in and told me to go sit down as I looked extremely pale. I was very weak. My wife had terminal cancer so I never told her what had happened. She was very upset that I might have gone first. I was directly in my son's line of vision when he looked at the boat searching for me, and I was in plain sight for all three people in the safety boat when they asked my son. It wasn't until later that I realized that the peace was that I wasn't getting any stimulus from my body and I wasn't breathing until I raised my head when they righted the boat. I saw no tunnel or light or past family members. I have always been sensitive with visions in dreams and awake. My friend told me she could make me pass out. I, being a naive 8 or 9 yr old didn't believe her. She dared me to let her try and I went ahead with it not believing any thing would happen. She had me lean over and breath really fast, she stood behind me and squeezed my stomach really tight. The next thing I remember is being in a void. Then all around me almost as if I were one with them, were colors. More than are here on earth and a feeling of peace. I felt like I was surrounded by love, comfort and peace. I also heard music but not like we hear it here. It seemed as one with the colors. I felt like I understood this all and wanted to stay. Then a sad feeling and I opened my eyes to my friends staring with very worried looks on their faces. They said it had taken a long time for me to wake up. It felt like only a few minutes to me. After this experience I felt I could understand a lot of adult emotional situations even though I hadn't had the life experience to yet account for this. As an adult, I usually instantly know peoples true personalities even when I don't care to know. This has been ever since I have had this experience as a child. I don't know what to call this but I'll never forget it. I retired to bed with my partner (now husband). I can't recall how long I had been asleep. But my husband reads in bed, usually for about an hour, and I remember vividly that he was still reading. I was lying on my back when all of a sudden I had such excruciating chest pain. I remember thinking that it was so bad that I thought that I was having a heart attack. I tried to hit my husband with my left arm to get his attention but I was totally paralyzed. Next thing I knew I was floating above my bed looking down at myself and my husband. I could still see him reading and I appeared to be asleep. The pain remained excruciating but suddenly I didn't feel afraid. My surroundings were pink and all of a sudden I heard my mother's voice behind me (i never saw her-she passed away in march 1992). She told me that it wasn't my time yet and that I was to go back for my sons. All of a sudden I was back in my body and I could still feel the lasting effects of the pain that I had experienced in my chest. My heart rate was 230 bpm and it was pounding. I told my husband about what had happened and he told me that I never moved or made a sound the whole time I had this “experience”. I cant put a time frame on the episode but once again my husband was still reading so to me it must have been very quick. It all begun by driving up Mt Charleston one day with school friends! We decided to pick up two girls from another school nearby ours and play hooky! We left to drive home again at about 3 pm in the afternoon from the top of Mt Charleston to Vegas….we realized that we did not have enough petrol in the tank to make it all the way home to Las Vegas. So we decided to coast down this enormous hilly highway leading up to this mountain. The car we drove was a 1962 Chevrolet corvair monza. It belonged to the fellow who was my very best friend. He was driving the vehicle!! As we got further down the hilly road - we collected a very fast pace of speed and the driver did not realize that the brakes did not work on the car with the engine shut off!! He lost control of the vehicle and we tumbled down the side of the mountain in the car with the car! (One girl was killed, another received slight injuries, and the fellow had hardly any injuries on him as he was thrown out of the car, incredible as it was a convertible!!) I went for the entire ride till the car finally stopped!! I floated above the vehicle. I noticed a crew from a helicopter carrying a gurney on which they loaded my body!! I saw me..bloody…beaten…they had me as dead. They mentioned it. I heard it said, but I felt wonderful where I was. I floated very very peacefully through the air as I watched happily as I was being removed. It was me that they removed!!!! I saw the helicopter with me in the gurney by the side of the cabin take off into direction Vegas and I lost consciousness immediately afterwards. During this time, I feel me riding as a little boy on a beautiful merry go round, lovely organ music, beautiful white clothes. I was happy, smiling and laughing with all the other kids. We experienced total bliss. My other little friends were also decked out in white clothing…going around and around. A man got up, walked across to the handles of the machine which powered the merry go round and stopped it. He called out my name and asked me to get off the merry go round. I was so very sad. I cried, but I got off. He told me it was time to leave this. I woke up. I looked up and saw my face in the mirror on my hospital bed. My face was a mess. I couldn't move. I shouted obscenities. I wanted to die for taking me back to this shitty life and so I started what I called my new horrible life. I was angry because they ordered me back to this. (I don't have much time right now for detail but will give a brief description) I was at the dentist having a root canal done. The dentist had a cocaine problem (I knew him somewhat socially) and was high while working on me. He cranked the nitrous (sp?) oxide up really high and was cutting off my air supply with the mask. I am very drug sensitive and felt myself going right out of my body. I struggled back, took off the mask and told him what was going on and he said that I just needed to “relax and go with it”. So I did. I went out of my body and was floating up over us. I had an urge to pass right through the second story wall to the outside and did. I hovered over the Pacific Coast Highway and watched cars passing by below. I felt extremely peaceful. After a little while I had a pleasurable urge to just shoot through space and sort of streamlined my form (although I never looked at my spirit body) and rocketed out into the cool, dark space. Yes, I could feel that it was cool out there and the darkness was calm and peaceful. I started noticing little points of light whizzing past me (or I past them). I don't know what they were but they looked like stars in the night sky. It seemed that I was traveling at the speed of light, although I can't say what I base that on. Very suddenly I stopped traveling. I had been looking downward the whole time and so I can't say if I was traveling toward a light or not, but when I looked up I was on the beginning fringes of the most beautiful GOLDEN LIGHT. I know others talk of a white light, but the light I experienced was very golden. The light had little sparkles in it like glitter and when the light passed through me it had intelligence and emotion. It filled me with unconditional pure, pure love and intense peacefulness. I looked ahead and saw an old friend of mine who had killed himself sometime before. We communicated with a sort of telepathy in that we talked by exchanging thoughts. I “said” “Scott!! Are you alright??” and he said “I'm SO alright! Just look at where I am!” We hugged and I could feel his body. (to this day I can feel the place on my arm where his arm wrapped around mine!) At about this point I realized that if I was where Scott was, I must also be dead. I started to feel a panic about whether or not I would go to hell for having had an abortion. The light communicated to me that I was completely loved and that the difficulty of the human condition was totally understood. I was told “EVERYTHING IS COMPLETELY ALRIGHT” I can't communicate the intense and all encompassing nature of that statement, but it completely washed away every single fear I ever had. I was told by Scott at that time that I had gone too far and that I had to turn around and go back right away. As I turned around to face back toward the direction of earth I could hear the dentist saying “come back, please come back!” I also heard him hit my body as if to attempt to bring me around. I was also told that there was a lot more that I had to do before I was going to come back. This was told to me with sort of a fatherly chuckle as if I had been like a rambunctious kid in going there so soon and had a long and interesting life ahead to take care of before returning. I felt sorry for the dentist who sounded like he was “freaking out” and immediately shot back into my body. When my spirit re-entered my body I didn't fill it out any more. I was a little ball ehind my chest wall and I had to try to push my chest up in order to take my first breath. It was the hardest thing I have ever done!! The moment that I gasped my first breath my spirit suddenly filled out my whole body from top to bottom. I lay there with my eyes closed trying to think of what to say to the dentist because this had been the most holy experience of my life and I was listening to the dentist talk to the nurses completely frantic and I knew he was afraid of being sued. I felt that if I were to tell him what happened he might say it was all a dream or something so I decided to protect the experience. I just opened my eyes and said “That was weird!” You could have heard a pin drop in there. They were all terrified looking and never said a word to me about what happened at all. I had listened to them talk before they thought I was awake and knew what happened and felt nothing but grateful for the experience so I decided to just leave it alone. I had pre-eclampsia before a C-section and 24 hours after delivery I had an eclamptic convulsion that was so severe my heart stopped. All I remember of the seizure was feeling cold. It was as though a blanket of snow had been unrolled over me beginning at my toes. When it hit my chest, my spirit floated up and out of my body. I could see the ceiling tiles coming closer, and I heard someone shouting out into the hallway of my room. I looked down and saw my body lying on the bed and knew it was dead. I experienced a moment of regret, because it was a good body and I had been fond of it, but it was no more than the regret a person would feel at seeing a beautiful purebred dog lying dead beside the highway. Two nurses and a doctor rushed in and began CPR and I remember thinking why waste all that time and effort? I was done and I was ready to move on. I turned my attention upward again and I floated through the ceiling and the plenum and into the attic. I saw the roof trusses, air ducts, conduits, insulation, etc. in extreme detail. But when I passed through the roof and should have been outside, I was instead in a darkness so deep and dense it was almost physically palpable. This darkness was pierced by a straight beam of light that originated way above me and slightly to the left (this would have been to the westsouthwest and about 80 degrees elevation). It was blue-white and extremely bright but very beautiful and not at all unpleasant to look at. Then I accelerated suddenly and it felt like I was “falling up” toward the light. In perhaps a count of three I was at the light and I was stopped at a barrier. I looked at the light and I experienced an overwhelming flood of peace, joy, and unconditional love. I knew that God was behind that light, and there with Him was everything we could imagine to be beautiful, good, just, merciful, and righteous, in a far greater measure than the human mind can conceive. Even after so many years I do not have words to describe this adequately. I wanted nothing more than to step over that barrier and go through the light to where God was. I said oh, yes, please…. But it was not to be. A man's voice came from nowhere and said, “Go back. It isn't time.” The words were burned into my memory and so was the voice itself, its pace, pitch, timbre, and pronunciation. It is the voice my then day-old son now has as a grown man. But in retrospect this does not surprise me. God has to communicate with us in ways we, with our limited understanding, can comprehend. Before I had a chance to be disappointed, my consciousness winked out. I woke up that evening back in my body, sick, hurting, and feeling powerless before the mountain of difficulties I faced if I were ever to get my life back in order. My friend, John, and myself decided to go visit a cave a few miles from where we lived. As we were walking, John describe the cave and said there would still be ice in the cave. We walk about a mile into the woods and started our climb up the back of the mountain. The climb up to the entrance of the cave was made difficult because of the rain the night before. The trail was steep and covered with mud and pine needles, we slipped several times on our way up. To make a long story short. My friend suggested we leave the cave and finish climbing to the top of the mountain. He told me the view was great and we could take an easier trail down the mountain once we were on top. I didn't want to go back down the way we came up because of the mud and pine needles. I agreed to go to the top of the mountain, even though the climb was difficult. I thought going up was easier than going down at that point. Besides, my friend told me the other trail was much easier to go down. We stayed on top of the mountain for a little while looking out over the surrounding landscape. We decided it was getting late and had better get back home. I asked my friend were the trail was and he said there wasn't a trail. The only way down was the way we came up or over the face of the mountain. I didn't want to go the way I came up, we decided to go over the face of the mountain. John started down first and I followed his route as we began our descent without any equipment. When we were about 80 ft. from the ground we could see black clouds moving in from a distance. We knew we had to get down before the rain started or we'd be in big trouble. We hurried as quickly as possible and in doing so I lost the route my friend was taking. I was in trouble, I had no place to put my hand to continue down. My friend was to the right and about 6 ft. below me, he said he would tell me were to place my hand. He told me to extend my arm further to the right, a little further, a little bit more! I reached and my other hand lost it's grip and I began falling to the ground. I remember sliding down the face of the mountain and thinking this is it. I remember everything as if in slow motion, me pushing away from the cliff and tucking into a ball. My life flashing before my eye's, only the good thing's in my life not the bad. I remember the instant I hit the ground, then a warmth came over me. I was in a light so brilliant and warm, I was surrounded with a sense of well being. I have no words in my vocabulary to describe the feeling encompassing me. I went into the light and then my grandfather was with me holding my hand. My grandfather died a few years earlier and now I was with him holding hands. We talked and our mouth's didn't move, I felt his energy his love. I remember walking with him and going before God. I could not see a face only a light so brilliant you had to look down. I heard him tell me it was not my time and that I had other things to do for humanity. I didn't want to leave, I begged to stay with my grandfather! I then heard the voice of my friend who said, “He's dead, what am I going to tell his mom!” I told my friend to shut up and get me some help. He ran to the nearest house at the entry of the woods and called for help. He called his brother Dave and he came with his car and picked us up. I had to crawl out of the woods to get to the road. The only injuries I suffered from my accident was a broken knee cap and some cuts and bruises. I didn't stay in the hospital and was sent home the same day. It was 3 o’clock in the morning, just before the merchants are starting to install the marketplace. I was in bed beside the young man I was with at the time. Hiccoughs woke me up. I was feeling bad with nausea. I woke up my boyfriend explaining to him that I wasn’t feeling good. He looked at me horrified and stood up to shake me up. It is at that moment that I had the conviction that I was going to die and I asked him to leave me alone. I rolled on one side, bent my knees with my arms close to my body; the cold penetrated my body and I waited serenely for the death to come. I saw some past events of my life, in black and white and red slides flashing rapidly, which central theme was my little sister whom I had taken care of after my parents’ divorce, and especially love. I was wrapped in a feeling of completeness, of love. (Later, it changed my perception of man [mankind].) I felt very cold but it did not bother me. Then everything toppled over the edge, into nothingness. I was a dot or the infinite, I still don’t know. There were no time, no markers, I had the feeling that I was incredibly intelligent, that I was going to understand everything, that I was going to catch the secret and the meaning of Life. Then, there was a light in my right eye: a doctor was performing an auscultation. He said: “She’s had an aneurismal rupture and she’s in coma.” Black hole. For one moment I was aware of the noise coming from the marketplace. People usually start arranging the stalls at around 4 o’clock in the morning. Then, black hole. Two nurses came in, they lifted me up. I felt like vomiting but I could not, I was cold, I had a headache, I was totally dazed. Black hole. I was in the ambulance, I had nausea and the motion of the vehicle was uncomfortable. I asked them to slow down. Black hole. In a white hospital room, two nurses. One nurse was explaining to the other how to do a puncture – it was her first time. Her hands were cold, she put gloves. The needle really hurt and I bit the other nurse’s shoulder who was keeping me sit. Black hole. Into a scanner, I was looking for my left leg which had disappeared. I was scrubbing it with my right leg. The right leg was feeling the left one but the latter did not exist anymore. A voice asked me to stop moving. But I was still looking for my leg. Black hole. In a bed, daylight. People were dressed in white blouses and kept visiting, touching, talking to me, but I didn’t understand. I finally understood that I could not walk or move my left arm. Later, I started some limited activity and came out of the hospital in a very bad shape. I did my retraining by myself, I became anorexic, addicted to medical drugs and others in trying to relive the state of wholeness I had experienced during the coma, in vain; I attempted suicide through toxic plant poisoning. Well, I still have after-effects, but life has taken back its course. I think I already said everything. I passed out & EMT's carried me down from the second floor of my house. during that time, I saw a glorious golden light with a group of people standing there of all shapes & heights. I cannot remember faces but I felt happy & content. The EMT's were telling me to not tighten my arms so tight but I was unaware at the time. I can remember none of that. The EMT's put me on the gurney & shook me to wake up. At first I didn't know where I was, but I felt sadness at waking up. Whenever I try to tell anyone, its like disbelief to them, but inside, I know what I saw. That is why I'm trying to tell you. maybe you will believe me. I even drew a picture to remind me. I can't forget what I saw. Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? just antibiotics Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes i can't explain because it was a golden light so bright, with a group of people all sizes. I couldn't see faces or can't remember them. but I felt welcome At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Yes anaphylactic shock, I passed out while EMTs carried me down the stairs What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? unconscious Was the experience dream like in any way? yes, like floating & looking. hard to explain Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? don't think so Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Did you see a light? No Yes, golden light all around Did you meet or see any other beings? Yes they were just a group of people, different sizes & heights, standing in a group. some of the sizes would be my relatives but no faces. nothing communicated Did you experience a review of past events in your life? No Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? No Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions? No response Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Uncertain i totally didn't know where I was when the EMTs woke me up Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? no Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No Did you become aware of future events? No Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? No Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Uncertain my husband is laid off from his job (construction) waiting to be called back. I don't know if this is anything, but I told him that morning, God has a reason for everything. Had he not been home, I would have suffocated & died from the allergic reaction Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Yes, closer to God How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices? i am a non-practicing catholic, but still believe in everything. Want to reconnect with more prayer. Have you shared this experience with others? Yes i tried to tell everyone close to me. Some just say nothing, & let you talk. Others believe What emotions did you experience following your experience? I was disturbed that I was taken away from the golden light & people. but I still needed to be rescued from the allergic reaction What was the best and worst part of your experience? & don't be scared of it. i think I know something is “out there” Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? felt like I was unconscious for a long time, but my husband said I wasn't. think I've said it all. Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire. no I began the day applying a new lash-curling mascara. At the end of the work day, I had a raging headache and my eyes were bloodshot due to what I believe was an allergic reaction to the mascara. I didn't think to take a headache pill before leaving work, so when I was at the light, I decided to pop into the parking lot across the way and go through the drive-thru to get a small drink to wash it down with. When I entered the parking lot, having been there many times before, I remember being sure to clear a cement light pole before starting my turn into the drive through lane. I clearly recall seeing the light go past my windshield. However the next thing I knew it felt like I had run over a newly installed median strip. I whipped my head back to look and no, there was nothing new there and when I again faced forward I was looking at the pole. The next thing I remember is lying on a set of beautiful white marble steps that were incredibly comfortable. I know I was lying there in supplication. my hands raised above me on the next few steps and my hands were clasped as in prayer. I also remember clearly thinking that my body was back down there behind me somewhere. When I looked up I saw grayish ness. I then realized there was a line of beings standing in front of me. Behind them was the famous “White Light”. It reflecting from behind them gave me a grayish view and so I could not discern who the beings were. I do know they felt very familiar but I won't go so far as to say they were actually family members. I remember a lot of whispering. The tallest in the middle has “his” head bent toward a person whispering in his ear who I view on his left. I remember at that point thinking oh, boy this is it. I then proceeded to “recall” all the supposedly bad things I had done in my life. Then all at once, they all looked in my direction as if realizing that I knew they were there and I was now conscious. Then all of a sudden I got a rush of warmth and love. I cannot describe to you, when you fall in love there is this feeling, it's nothing compared to really honestly physically feeling love the way I felt it from them. I was like awed. Then I remember the one on his left was really bending his ear and I really began to hear them and realized they were talking about me. specifically whether they should allow me to stay or take me with them. I HAVE TO INSIST, THIS WAS NOT A DREAM. I vividly recall having been awake and aware of my body in the car the whole time. I panicked at this point, and thought with desperation that I could not leave my husband, not now. He needs me. Then that quick it was over. I was totally awake and aware of where I'd just been and reached up to ask them to let me reconsider. Then I realized that was not an option. Then I looked up into my rear-view mirror and saw a dark thick blood coming down my forehead. My first thought was back to a scalp wound I had as a kid. It was bright red, not a big deal. I knew right away this wasn't good. The next thought was to turn my headlights off as the car had stalled so as not to kill my battery. Next thought I needed to get help. I tried to open my door but it was shoved back & so I had to remove my seatbelt and physically turn in my seat and shove it open a bit. (I had electric windows, but the thought never entered my head to open it until one of the people helping suggested it). Fortunately there was an ambulance in the parking lot already, picking up a fall victim and they came right over after the people who responded to me got their attention. Unfortunately, the official report reads that I was unbelted, with no headlights and starred the windshield, non of which was true. Anyway, I have since tried to relate this to people. They act like, okay sooth the sick headed woman and agree. Or oh no I believe YOU believe it happened. I am sure it wasn't that great of an event for anyone, least of all your establishment, but for me whether anyone else in the world believes or not, I am one person who cannot wait until the end, because of my few seconds at the steps of heaven. I believe from my experience that God loves us. That most of the written bad things we may have done can and are forgiven. I used to believe in a “judgment day”. But when I started fretting over my problems in the past and was treated so wonderfully by them, I now believe you are judged when you get there. No waiting. I believe in my heart I am a good person and God and Jesus exist. And I believe that for those reasons, I was immediately about to enter heaven if I didn't panic. I won't panic next time. I have also helped people I know who are dying to let go a little easier too. I believe that having my experience and relating it to others makes them less tense about going home. I was being choked to death by an acquaintance. I tried to ask him to let go but I was being choked so hard that I couldn't even get words out of my mouth. The last thing that I remembered was looking at him in pain. I didn't go through any tunnels or anything like that but all of a sudden I was in the most beautiful place that I had ever seen, and I felt like I was really there. The grass was so very green and the trees were more beautiful then I had ever seen. I was happier and more free then I have ever felt( to this day I have never felt like that again) It was wonderful and peaceful. The smell of the air was a freshness that I cannot explain. I could move from one place to another in a blink of an eye, and everywhere I went was different but just as beautiful. I could actually fly, It just took a thought and off I would go. I felt as though I was in a very familiar place and was afraid of nothing. I was around a lot of children even I felt younger then I actually was. It's hard to explain the sensations I felt. I was playing and flying and looking down on the earth from far above. I had no fear, anxiety, confused feelings or anything like that. I felt whole, like that peaceful life that everybody longs for. I'll never forget it because it was absolutely wonderful. Then all of a sudden my body started to tingle (and throughout the time that I was there I had no feeling of pain or anything) everything went black and I woke up in the same spot that he left me in. My body I could feel again and I felt pain throughout it. I felt like a million knives stabbing me, then I opened my eyes and felt the comfort of the Lord by my side and I felt a peace knowing where I'm going when I do die. It was a wonderful place but I'm not in a hurry to get back there. GOD be with you All!! The 1st thing I remember is that I was floating above the deep end of the swimming pool (not in the pool) we had at our home. It was morning, about ten or eleven. I was almost 5 years old. I was just floating, thinking how placid and quiet and beautiful the pool area was. I was not aware of what just happened. Moments later two angels came and led me away, one on each arm. I was startled at first, but they felt very safe and secure and I felt no fear. They led me up into a bright cloud (it was just like driving or flying through a cloud, if you ever done that) and there was no sound or wind. The whole trip seemed like ten seconds. When we emerged from the cloud I could see five people standing in the distance. As we moved closer I could see more clearly who it was, it was my family that lived in heaven, they were all very happy to see me again and there was one man I did not know, so I greeted them from left to right. It was like a family reunion at Christmas time, but much better. We communicated by thinking what we wanted to say. The love they had for me was tremendous, and then I greeted the man on the right. I did not recognize he was very awe inspiring, with great, great powers, when I stood before him. I thought to myself, wow, what an incredible energy he emits. When I stood before him he just loved me as the others. He asked me if I wanted to stay with them and I said yes, realizing that nothing on earth was worth going back for. It was the greatest feeling to be with them, pure love. I believed this was God, our creator of the universe, highest power (whatever word you feel comfortable with.) As I took a look around I saw a bright light, it was the moon, the sun was reflecting light off the moon surface, we were in space, equal distance to the moon on the right side (looking from earth). I do not think this was heavens final destination, I think it was a greeting area to receive us when we cross over. Next he showed me my life review, every second from birth until death you will see and feel and experience your emotions and others that you hurt, and feel their pain and emotions. What this is for is so you can see what kind of person you were and how you treated others from another vantage point, and you will be harder on yourself than any one to judge you. Next he (God) gave me knowledge of “anything” I wanted to know. You just think the question to get the answer, and you can view it as it happened - anything you want! I learned tens of thousands of things, the information came like a flood, yet I could process every second of information in detail. Then he told me that it was not my time and I must go back. So two angels took me back, and as I´m going I'm loosing the information I learned. I'm desperately trying to remember it / hang on to it. The next thing I know I'm back over the pool. It is still very peaceful and calm, and then I see my father, very frantic, run straight to the pool and dive in the deep end and pull someone out. People started to gather (siblings). I heard my sister Sylvia say: Ron's dead. I was next to her and said: No, I'm not, I'm right here. I reached out to touch her on the back and my hand went right through her. Just then my father turned me over on my stomach and pressed on my back very hard. The next thing I saw was I opened my eyes and lots of water was coming out of my mouth, and I was in a lot of pain that quickly went away. I knew if God sent me back that I would have no long term amage. About five minutes later ambulance drivers came and asked me if I was ok, I said yes and they left without doing anything. I always thought that was the funny part, little did they know what I went through. Yes, I did recall some knowledge, here are some for you to think about. God himself acknowledges that yes, UFO do co-exist with us and are not to be feared - HIS words. Man has space traveled before the 1960´ies, approximately 10.000 years ago. We did not build spaceships like we do today, we were picked up by UFO´s willingly - we would go to a pick up point, a large hill overlooking a vast plain, there were images marked on the ground to be read from the sky. There “is” other life, beings, not microbes. They reside outside our solar system and into the next. Being in their spacecraft you are not subject to G forces, gravity or other limitations that ours are subject to. They can travel great distances in seconds, they can make their spaceships invisible at will. 2nd… Time travel is possible. I was shown a blueprint and I asked what it is and he (God) said: It is for time travel. 3rd… In the past man has been wiped out from the earth and forced to learn everything again and repopulate the earth. Man has achieved very high knowledge about space travel, science and mathematics, much more than we know today. Was bleeding tubfulls of water & constantly needing to change the water & I felt dreamy & knew I was going to drown while passing out so I lifted myself out of the tub & crawled to the Linen closet & reached for a blue towel & fainted; when I fainted I felt the initial hit of the floor & my face & then saw 3 - 4 rings of light one inside the other with my father & brother & someone else who was so far away I couldn't see but saw a face; my father smiled at me as if to say “ Silly Girl… it's not time for you yet” and I saw my brother in the lower left circle outside my fathers circle & I felt at peace & wanted to go with him ; I believe I slept or remained passed out for a while & when I woke up I realized that I had defecated upon myself & my husband at the time was waking me up. I don't really remember a light, I do remember someone coming towards me, a human but I couldn't or don't remember seeing a face. I do remember hearing children playing close by. it was a lovely feeling of everything being good and right there, there was no animosity, there was no hatred, I had a total understanding of why I was on earth and who I was. I wasn't there long and someone told me I had to go back, It wasn't my time yet. I argued that I didn't want to leave but before I could get my argument out I was already on my way back. When I was there it was so beautiful I didn't want to leave. There was nothing mean or bad there at all. It was wonderful. This was the bad place to me. But when I was back here I couldn't remember what it was that I so understood when I was there. I still wonder. It seems as if it was something so simple , so obvious that I just couldn't believe that I didn't realize it before. I still wonder what it is. I do know that I am not afraid of death any more. death is not the end of the world. I believe that we are hear for a purpose. maybe to learn something we needed to learn before we can go there. My husband and I were on a camping vacation in the woods in Maine. I woke up that morning early and felt great…. I walked down to the public showers in the state park campground, took a shower and got dressed. At that point I felt like I was going to pass out. I knew I had to make it back to our tent because if I collapsed anywhere along the trail back, no one would find me and I had no ID on me. When I returned I collapse at the site. My husband dragged me into the car and we drove to the nearest town about 45 miles away. He said when he found the hospital and went in to get help, by the time they came out I was unconscious in the car. But I remember hearing voices and comprehending what was going on….i heard nurses calling my name but I could not respond physically (in my head I wanted to tell them all the pain I had)… I heard the ER doctors discussing possible causes for my unconsiousness and hearing them ask my husband if there was any chance I could be pregnant -( which I was emphatically trying to answer them and say no but nothing came out). I remember my body convulsing and shaking uncontrollably and I remember being so very cold. I heard the nurses saying how dangerously low my blood pressure was rapidly dropping. I remember them taking me in for an ultrasound and hearing them talking about the large amount of blood filling up my abdominal cavity. And all of this time they said I was “unconscious” to them but to me, I was very much there with them. Time didn't seem to matter…it could have been one minute or it could have been one hour but it all blended. I was in pain and very cold…then I remember “waking up” just as they were putting on a mask for anesthesia and swatting them away. Just as suddenly I felt no more discomfort. The pain was gone, and I was no longer cold but the perfect temperature - pain free as I had never felt it before. All I heard was a sound that sounded like blood rushing through my ears while I was in a perfectly quiet dark place (womblike). Then I felt as though I was floating (as if on one of those moving walkways in airports) but much quicker and smoother. I was surrounded by darkness but suddenly I was headed towards a bright light….(just like the light at the dentist's office but bigger and brighter and more all-encompassing) I felt no fear - I had no opinions about it one way or another but as I got closer to it I realized that I didn't want to go there yet and I turned away from it and just as swiftly was surrounded by the darkness again. Then it was as if the television was switched off…no more transmissions coming thru. Could not hear voices from the staff. I remember waking up in ICU and the surgeon & my husband were by my bed. What can be said about a near death experience? It is not death it is life. I experienced one about 6 years ago and am still riding upon the golden soft colors of heaven’s love. I saw legions of angels bannering the sky and miles of clouds escorting me to the hospital, When I arrived the door became a golden cave of crystal waters pouring upon it’s walls. When I collapsed into the wheel chair, the door no longer opened into the cave, but swung back into earth. I saw the doctor’s and nurses and knew to reach and touch the one with the most Light. I took his hand and watched the healing light blazing through his body into mine. I continued to have visions of God, angels and octaves beyond earth for months. I could not verbalize speaking with angels, saints nor seeing all I saw. The auras of all around me was blazing. Even the store’s were crowded with colors, every can, product showing it’s true color of content of vibrations. I visited temples of Light within the great mountains of earth. I saw Mother Theresa within a church as a young girl, beautiful with dark long hair in a wedding gown. The church was lit with beautiful golden candles and she was being wed to the Holy Spirit. Becoming more as a great Mother of heaven. I was then taken by her fire and was blinded by the Light for an entire night. There is much more to share in time. But, my greatest joy is for all to understand they are never alone, the great saints, Masters, and angels are present. Rejoice in the day, the sky, the stars, the rivers running to meet the great and vast oceans of the Divine Mother. To return to this octave has been a challenge. I had to seek angels to close my third eye, the spiritual one that sees so much, for it was very distracting, and I asked for to see only what was necessary for safety. Daily I ask to be an instrument of that great love of heaven., to offer that cold glass of water in Jesus’ name. I did also experience the “dark night of the soul” of which St. John of the Cross speaks. All of heaven is withdrawn, and you go to the deepest pits of hell. And you are only held by a strand of Light. It is lonely, despairing, but one must be constant in the hope and faith you will be victorious. It is a most curious initiation. Being stripped of all identity and desire. But, after you begin to pass the initiation you feel great compassion for all of life. Not sympathy, that you can save the world, but you are a divine electron in the atom of God and very loved. And all you say and do is to extend and adore that loving God Presence. All around you becomes like a movie in which you are only a player and observer. My greatest delight are children and the Light they hold, unconditional in their love. And I am also honored that God trusted me to experience death and hell and gave me the tools, so often forgotten to pass these tests. To anyone who has had a NDA. Petition God within and without for balance, guidance and simplify your life with beauty, quiet walks, majestic music. Fine tune the heart in writing poetry, drawing, creating. And know life is for rejoicing. Find an open friend to trust your thoughts, and be that pillar of love. I too remain a student of the all. Jo I woke up sweating. I know I heard my mom call me, but I couldn’t move. It’s not that I had stayed up late the night before and I didn’t do anything the night before to make me this tired, I just couldn’t move. I closed my eyes again hoping that the sleep would go away, I had to get up for school. I heard my mom call me again, and I opened my eyes. I could see that she had left the light on for me. I wanted to get up and get ready for school, but I couldn’t move. I knew that something was very wrong. I wanted to call out for someone to help me move, but my voice wouldn’t work either. I thought to myself that I should be afraid, but I also knew that I had to get someone to come to me. I heard a knock on the door and heard my mom let someone in. I wondered if it was someone coming to help me. I closed my eyes again. When I opened them again I knew that I had to do something fast, because I kept going back to sleep, I had to get my mom’s attention. I could hear her talking with a neighbor, I knew that she couldn’t help me from there. I used all my strength and all the concentration that I could to move my arms. They fell across my chest and I could feel my eyes close again. I tried to fight it but I couldn’t and my eyes closed again. When I opened my eyes again I knew that I only had a few minutes to get some help. I could hear my mom call me again. I tried to answer, but my sister in the other room down the hallway drowned out my feeble attempt at saying anything. I could feel myself burning up from the inside. I needed help, I tried to lift my arms again, except this time I used every ounce of strength I had and threw them away from me. I fell out of bed and rolled a little distance. I closed my eyes again, then opened them and now could muster enough strength to crawl about a foot dragging the rest of my body behind me. I lost all strength and saw darkness. I was beginning to feel fright, but knew that if I let panic take a hold of me, I knew that I would die right there on the floor of my bedroom. I struggled some more in the darkness, and pulled myself a few more feet, then had to rest. My neck felt like it was on fire and my arms were turning into jelly, I knew that I didn’t have much more strength. I knew that I was beginning to die. I let the panic flow through me, and then pulled myself out to the hallway. I tried to call for help, but I didn’t have any more strength. I was wondering what I was going to do when, with one last pull of energy that came from nowhere, I hit the wall and yelled one time MOM! I heard people running through the house and could hear someone; all the people sounded alike now, ask me what was wrong. I closed my eyes. When I regained consciousness I was in an ambulance, I remember the loud siren and people in there with me, that made me feel a little better. I didn’t die after all. I opened my eyes and saw someone holding on to me with a very sad look on their face. I knew that I wasn’t doing very well. I could feel my arms now and my legs and wish that I couldn’t. My whole body was on fire. I could feel the heat coming off of myself as if in a heat wave. I could feel the heat escaping, but the pain in my arms, legs, and neck and back was excruciating. I wanted to tell the people that were there that I was in deep pain, but the blissful sleep washed over me. I couldn’t open my eyes, but I was awake again, the pain returned, but I knew that I was no longer in the ambulance. I wished the pain would end. A hand opened my eye and shined a light in it, I could feel pain go through my eye into my brain, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I fell into sleep again, until I felt several hands on me. I was being moved from the gurney to a bed. I saw a lot of people in with me when I was able to open my eyes. They all looked very intense. I was wondering what was wrong with me, and why I was being placed into a coital position, then closed my eyes again as needle went into my spine. The next time I woke up, I was being put back into an ambulance. I could see the look on my dad’s face. He was there. I felt really bad for him, he looked like he was in pain. I heard someone tell my dad to follow the ambulance; I hoped that he was all right. I also wondered why I was being taken to another place, and then I closed my eyes again. I was being prodded and pushed when I woke up in another hospital, this time I was in a bed. My head was tilted on its side as if sleeping when I opened my eyes. I saw my mom looking at me. I was able to whisper and I asked her ‘am I going to die mommy?’ She looked at me and said that I would be all right. I remember being put into that coital position again and could feel the needle going into my spine again, this time there was no pain. I saw the doctor look at the tube of fluid he pulled out of me. It was a brownish color with little specks in it, which turned out to be blood. He said something in a hurry and I passed out again. I was still unconscious when I was taken to a room with a large bathtub in it and put in the tub, then ice was being put all around me. The ice would just melt into warm water as soon as it touched me. I had a fever of 114 degrees. I don’t know how long I was in there, the next thing I remember was the doctor telling my mom and dad that I had to be placed in quarantine. I couldn’t move again and my eyes wouldn’t open. I could hear everything going on around me but it was as if I was listening to a radio show. Then that ever-peaceful sleep came over me. The next thing I heard was that I was in a Coma. I could hear people talking, but couldn’t make out too many words, they all seemed as if they were talking in a foreign language to me. I thought that that was weird. I could hear my mom telling me about baseball. She was telling me that what was happening to me was like a baseball game. I was one of the players and I had to hit the ball out of the park to win the game. I tried to hear everything that she was telling me but I couldn’t hold on very long. I could still hear my mom and dad talking to the doctor sometime later. I had a blood clot, of all things, the size of a baseball forming behind my heart and it had to be drained or I would die. He told my parents that there was a slim chance that I would or could survive the operation, but that it was the only option available. They were going to use a tube through my leg and somehow get it to the clot behind my heart, I didn’t hear the rest of what he was going to have to do, I passed out again, although I was still in the Coma, I could periodically hear what was going on around me, I just couldn’t move or say anything. I knew when the operation was happening, I was starting to wake up when the tube was in me, and they were in the middle of the operation. They couldn’t give me any kind of anesthesia, as I was already comatose. I heard someone yell he’s flat line, then I went into the darkness. I wasn’t in darkness for too long a time. I could feel myself moving, but I knew it wasn’t on the table any longer. There were thousands of colors in front of me. It looked like I was watching the Aurora Borealis. Then as if one of the rainbows of colors saw me, it came right at me and lifted e. I could feel myself moving along the rainbow as if it was solid, kind of like on an escalator, except I was sitting down. I was watching the colors as I rode along the rainbow, and then as if it was a wave one of the colors hit me. I was immediately awash with an emotion, the emotion was the only emotion that I could feel, then it was quickly replaced by another as I kept getting hit by the colors that were pure emotion. I felt pure anger, absolute love, jealousy, fear, happiness, and others that I cannot name. I was totally immersed within that emotion until another one ran into and through me. I was becoming part of the rainbow. I knew that I was dead, but I didn’t know what to do. I looked beyond the rainbow that I was on and saw other rainbows. I wondered if other people were on the other ones. I could tell that the colors were starting to fade, as did the feelings that they were throwing into me. Finally I stopped as if at a dock. I stood up and stepped off of the rainbow. I was in what looked like a foggy, gray area. It looked almost as if it was a cave. I saw a figure approach me and started to feel better. The figure was my deceased uncle. I stood before him and he told me that I was not where I was supposed to be. I looked around and could see a very bright light off in the distance and to my right. He nodded to me and said yes, that its heaven. I looked back at him and he held out his massive hand to me. When I took it, I could see things in my mind, my mind was filling up with knowledge. In that split second that he touched my hand, I knew everything there was to know, or will be known, except one thing. He looked at me and told me that I had a choice. I could go into the light and into heaven, he told me that he would guide me there, or I could go back as it wasn’t my time. In an instant, I was throwing the covers off my head. I was back in the hospital, surrounded by other dead people that were waiting to go to the hospital morgue. I opened my eyes and felt fine. I heard a blood-curdling scream and saw a nurse run out of the room. Minutes later a group of people came back into the room. I found out later that I had been declared dead and had been in that state for 32 minutes. I also found out that there were 14 of us from my school that had contracted Spinal Meningitis. I was the only one that survived the disease. I was number 14. I was tested for the disease, but it was not to be found in my body. I was asked to stay in the hospital for an additional two weeks for tests to find out what had happened and why I was alive. During the testing, they took vials of blood and X-rays, tested my range of motion, asked me a lot of questions. No one asked me about the period when I was dead. I didn’t tell anyone, as they didn’t seem interested in anything other than why I was alive. The doctor told me on the day that I was leaving, that I was going to be placed in the annals of medicine. I left feeling fine. When I returned, I could feel all of the knowledge that my uncle gave me slowly disappear. I knew it would only be a matter of time before all the new knowledge would eventually be gone. A short time after I got out of the hospital, I started noticing weird things happening, When I would go near a TV or radio it would change stations, if I got too close to a light it would burn out. Not just house lights, but street lights as well. Other electrical devices would ‘freak’ out whenever I would get near them. Then it too went away. I was given a gift from the experience. I realized later after taking another IQ test, that I had gained a few points. My IQ tested out at 175. But it was not like I had learned the knowledge, but rather, for a lack of another explanation, been programmed with it. There was none of the xperience associated with having it all your life, so I didn’t, and to an extent even today, do not know how to use it to it’s fullest potential. I feel as if there is a key piece missing. I have been told over and over again, that I am a miracle and that I have some purpose or something that I am going to do since I never made the choice that my uncle gave me. I have no doubt that a miracle did occur, but as far as the purpose….. I am still waiting There were no tunnels or sense of being transported…just there, above me was an indescribably WHITE wing. It had no beginning and no end. I could see the feathers in great detail. There were two voices, but were not speaking directly to me, but to each other, it went as follows “ We are going to give her, her new name. ” The other voice replied “ But it hasn't been three days yet ” and the first voice said back “ But we are going to give her, her new name anyway. During all this I could see tiny beings without shape, almost like little spots and they were literally painting, art work of some sort. The colors were so brilliant and the wing described above was more white than we see here, almost luminescent. I was not afraid, no thoughts except being in awe of the beauty of the many different colors and the whiteness of the huge wing. There was no snapping back into the body or anything like that at all. I was just there, like magic I guess. I have an incredible appreciation of color and flowers much more now, than I did before. I was amazed by the voices, for I could not see anyone, no people, just them speaking to each other about my “new ” name. I suppose life has left it up to me to figure out my new name some day, because they did not tell me what it is. When I was 14 or maybe 16 years old I live in omaha ne. On the week ends I would go to work with my uncle. He worked at a 24 hr. Gas station. On a friday night I went to sleep about 3:am and it was cold. In my uncle car. Most of the time I could stay up and work with him ,but that night it was to cold. He asked me if I wanted the car on until I went to sleep I told him no i'll be all right. After I went to sleep he came and turn the car on just for thoughtfulness. The thing is that car had a exhaust leak so when we was in it the windows had to be half way down. Well as he was starting the car a customer pulled up so his mind got interrupted and forgot to crack the front windows. He told me that the car was running about 45 mins. I travel through like darkness and sadness until the light and comfort was there. A being was sitting on a throne and asked me to sit next him. Yes, it was a man. Before I sat down, I saw others in the back of him. I asked, “who are they, my angels? Oh am I an angel too?” I was told, “not a this time, soon you will be.” I could hear the voices saying we'll miss you, remember you, and also wait for you. Somehow I knew that. Leaving was not what I wanted to do. I liked it there with the feeling of great compassion and I can't explain the wonderful feeling. The light told me that I had to go back. I said, why? The reply, “your life was not intended to be taken by another.” so I sat down. Sitting there. Knowing that I can't stay. He showed me a little of my life in the past. Also told me that I still had to learn one of life's lessons. Told me of the future that I will love the father of my children so deeply that I could touch the face of god with it. I remember felling that I will return there. All of a sudden the light started to go away but the voice was still with me telling me that no one was there to revive me. My death was still unknown. So I must urinate. I don't want go you must or your soul will live in mysteries for ever. Wake up and urinate my uncle told me that when he saw me crawling out of the car in what he called a deep sleep walk. He knew what had happen I was saying must urinate now over and over. He help me to a chair. My body was like limp as if I was dead he said than without fore thought. I wet my pants. Because the voice told me to urinate now glenda. As my life as gone on more of that experience come to me as if a whole life time was spent there. My older sister and I, she was 5 at the time. Were playing in the barn with our pet goat, when we spotted the old fridge, that my uncle had asked my dad if he could store it there. So being kids, we climbed in, and the little goat, kept shutting the door on us, my sister said we can keep opening the door if we kick it hard with our feet, but the last time we tried the door would not come open. So we started to cry, and it seemed so long that we had been there. My sister and I got real quiet. It seemed like I was going to sleep. I couldn't hear my sister any more. Then as I felt like I was going to go to sleep I saw a light, like a light from a candle. Then there was a lady there, she put her finger to her lips and said, “shhh child it will be alright.” She had long brown hair and soft eyes. When I started to cry she said “no, you must be still, your mommy is coming.” Just about that time the door opened, I knew it was opened because I could feel a cool wind on my face. Then that is all I could remember until the next day, when I woke to my dad setting on the side of the bed, he was crying. Years later my mom told be she had been at the sink giving my younger sister a bath, when she realized she couldn't hear Joyce and me. So she laid the baby down to go find us, she thought we had went to the old tree house to play, but as she passed the barn she said her heart jumped and she heard a women say, “Hurry,” Mom said, “OH GOD No!” She ran back to the barn and jerked open the old fridge door, there we were. then she put both of us in cold water. When she seen that we were breathing ok, she put us to bed, and watched over us till my dad came home. He made sure the fridge was gone that night. She said we were both wet from sweat and that we were hardly breathing, and we were so dark in color. I still think of that lady. I was in agony. As I was trying very hard to sleep to get away from the pain, I simply noticed a weird silence. It seemed to take me a while to realize that I could no longer hear my heart beating. It was SO quiet. Then I was suddenly near the roof of my room gazing down on my body with total disregard. There was no fear, pain, or feelings to speak of at all, except a sort of surprise or wonder. Then I recognized me. But I remember not really caring one way or the other. In the next instant I was somewhere entirely different. I seemed to be suspended in space if you can imagine… with my back against a wall… or actually a perfectly parallel plane that went everywhere. (I couldn't discern an ending to it in its own planar dimension in either of the four directions I could easily observe.) I couldn't seem to move. The wall was not exactly “white” but it was more the color of ice. It seemed to be very smooth and impenetrable. I sensed that there were “things to be seen” if I were to turn and look into this wall. I tried three times. Each time a hand on my right shoulder from my back stopped me firmly but not painfully. In fact it was then and only then, that I realized that for the first time in years, I had zero pain. There was no anxiety, or depression. There was this almost “disconnected” sense of peace. I actually liked being there. Then suddenly I saw my two young daughters, and I remember thinking “they still need me”. It was so odd. Then suddenly all that pain came back with vengeance. At first I felt anger to be back. But I couldn't do anything at all about it. So I just had to accept the situation. After getting a lot of electrolytes back into my system I felt a bit stronger though the pain never let up. It took several weeks to get to a point where I knew I was going to live past that illness. Every since then I seem to write a ton of poetry… about anything I want to etc. I never seem to experience any “blocks” etc. But I used to write a little as a kid… nothing like now though. I did have to tell my pain management doctor to change his question used to evaluate pain. “On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is death…. where is your pain ?” he used to say. Now he just asks me where I would put the number, and I imagine a horrible pain. Apparently it actually doesn't hurt us when we die. Perhaps the brain blocks immediately. But I would like to know whose hand was upon my shoulder… of course I could theorize… but as a scientist…. I cannot truly say. My faith tells me it was a loving hand. That's all I seem to need to know at this point. No person could ever convince me that God is not real. Not now. I've seen too many things before and since etc. Still, the experience was very weird… and impossible to prove. I suffered no apparent physical damage of a permanent nature. Since then I have had to put some early experiences with what I always thought were nightmares… into a wider path of speculation… but that's a whole different area of research. I only told a few people. ndes - second part of 2004 I was given a mild anesthetic for minor oral surgery and apparently passed out (this was NOT supposed to happen and the nurse was very worried and alarmed when I finally regained consciousness). While I was unconsciousness, I had what seemed like a strange dream. I experienced a feeling of traveling quickly down a long tunnel. … this was somewhat disorienting/dizzying … the only thing I can think of to describe the feeling of this is the effect of watching a spinning red and white pinwheel and feeling as if I was spiraling along a tunnel (this may sound silly, but it was like the effect employed by old television programs to indicate traveling back in time). After traveling through the tunnel I arrived in a small white luminescent room. This room evoked a feeling of being in a small reception room . .a place to receive visitors. I felt joy, happiness and overwhelming love. My grandfather greeted me (he had passed away two years earlier). My grandfather was a wonderful person - very loving, down-to-earth, a fabulous sense of humor – everything anyone could ever want a grandpa to be (yes, I loved him a lot). There was only one thing that he couldn't do – during his lifetime he never had an opportunity to learn how to read. I mention this because after my grandfather met me in the “receiving room”, we began walking (and talking of course) and we eventually arrived in a large room that looked like a library. This room was huge – coliseum scale – with bookcases and books everywhere - floor to ceiling. I had a sense that this library “room” essentially went on forever, with unending nooks and crannies. As my grandfather talked to me we were able to “float” up to higher levels in the great library. As we “floated” along, my grandfather was pulling volumes off of shelves and skimming text. I was astounded by this because I *knew* my grandpa could not read. I began asking him questions and he told me that all things would be revealed to me in time, but this was not my time. I was not supposed to be there yet. He comforted me and told me not to be afraid (I had been somewhat scared when I traveled down the tunnel). I then woke up. A nurse was leaning over me with a very worried look on her face. She said, “that was not supposed to happen.” I felt very confused and asked the nurse “is it over now?” I did not tell anyone of this experience for many months - it all seemed so strange and also very personal. I did eventually share this with my grandmother and we both cried. We both felt that this was exactly the kind of thing my grandfather would do - he was so kind, loving and caring during his lifetime, and it made perfect sense to us that he would be my “guide” or guardian angel. Even though this experience happened over ten years ago, it is still very profound. It still makes me cry. I was having an ectopic pregnancy and had to undergo major surgery, I was told that I had 2 minutes to 1/2 an hour to survive. As I was met in the surgery by two doctors I remember at the time thinking this is it, I am not going to recover from this, as the pain was unbearable. I remember floating towards a bright light, I was calm and I wanted to go towards it, I was aware that I had my grandparents waiting for me on the other side, and I was very very calm. I heard a voice, it was female. She told me that it wasn't my time and that I had to go back. I was disappointed. The next thing I remember was a another female voice that of the nurse telling me it was time to wake up, there was also another nurse that came up to her and asked if I was alright, the nurse informed her colleague that I was. I found out later that it was more serious than they had thought at the time and that I had to have one tube removed and that I had to be revived as my blood pressure was very low. On October 2,2002 I went to the emergency room because I had sharp pain under my right shoulder blade. When I breathed it was beyond excruciating pain. My x-rays and other tests came back normal. They admitted me anyhow because my blood pressure was 187/127 and they couldn't get it to drop. The next day all I did was sleep. But on the third day fluid filled around my heart and in and around my lungs. I stopped breathing. They moved me to I.C.U. and put me on full life support. On October 7, 2002 I awoke and ripped out all of the wires and tubes and went into cardiac arrest. That's when it happened. I went to a place that was the most comfortable, peaceful place I had ever been to. I was at the lighted side of a tunnel. I saw dead relatives, all glad to see me. When I looked down the tunnel I saw my body being frantically worked on. At 2:12pm I was pronounced dead. At the same time, out of the blinding white light, a voice I assumed to be God asked me,“ Are you ready to come home?” I said “no!” I was later told there was a blip on the heart monitor. They shocked my heart and I woke up with the paddles inches off my chest. Within two days I was off life support and back in a regular room. I fully recovered without any damage from being dead for ten minutes. My doctors called me their miracle patient. They never had anyone survive Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome as severe as mine and make a full recovery. I was with my Aunt in the Pacific Ocean. I was on an inner tube and she was pushing me out until the water came to her neck. When she went to turn around and head back to shore, a wave picked up the tube and dumped me to the bottom. She kept reaching for me but couldn't find me. I just sat on the bottom and my short life started going before my eyes. Birthday parties, Christmas…mostly good memories, I don't remember any bad memories at that time. My Aunt finally found me and when she touched me the memories stopped. She pulled me up by my hair and she was crying. I was an ordained minister and gave mass for Marines and sailors on Sundays while over seas. I made a point to go to all religions temples churches while I was over seas. I was raised a roman catholic. I disagree with people who say your faith has a bearing on your OBE. I knew nothing about healing before my OBE but after I came back I knew I had to heal myself and refused pain medications. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of mass knowledge that I could not remember, it was right on the tip of my tongue but I could not remember what I had learned. This was very disturbing for me. I could feel energy coming off people and could tell if they were injured and could pin point the pain on their body but was afraid to say anything about it to anyone because I thought they would think I was crazy. I started having nightmares and began to think I was nuts. I later about twenty years after I was stabbed had a breakdown and was told I had PTSD. I have been on a quest searching for the truth for twenty years but as I look back at my life I feel I have been on that quest my whole life. I have this close feeling with people who have had a NDE or OBE it is this trusting feeling, like I can trust them to have my back. We seem to have this energy that touches. I found this feeling when I met veterans in a PTSD group, we were like clone’s. I started to see this in women who had been in wrecks and raped, I could relate to them, see right into them. It was Halloween night 1981 I was walking down a busy street in Honolulu with a group of people. A fellow Marine was about to be murdered by four Samoan’s. I stepped in the middle and tried to stop it. The Marine I was helping left the circle and I was jumped from behind, I fought these four guys in a fight to the death. I was trying to kill them and they were trying to kill me. I remember being exhausted, completely wiped out during this act to survive. I had crushed and caved in one man's face with my forehead. I was covered in his blood. I knocked out another guy with a kick to his throat and temple. I was thinking why won't anyone help me? I am so tired. So many people were watching me fight that the traffic had been stopped because of the people flooding from the sidewalk to the street, hundreds of people, no one would help? Three months before this fight I was overseas and in an operation were I was faced with death and thought I was going to die because I was going to run out of ammunition or get hit in the head with shrapnel. About a week after this I was kidnapped with five other Marines and we were lined up twice to be executed and dry fired on twice. During the fight, kidnapping and operation I can't ever remember being afraid, real fear. I know I must of had to been afraid but I can't remember it. I had knocked out two guys and two were left, I went back and forth fighting the two guys and one guy ran off into the crowd, I remember thinking that it was almost over, I just had the one guy left. I was holding him by his hair and hitting him in the face waiting for him to drop when the guy who left came back through the crowd with a knife. A sailor named Brad who I had never met was in a cab that had been stopped by the crowd and seen the guy with the knife coming at me from behind. Brad was born the same day, same year as me, we were the same age and had never met. Brad fought his way through the crowd to try and stop the guy with the knife but was unable to get to him because of the people blocking his way. This guy jumped on my back and plunged the knife into my pulmonary artery and lung. When the knife went in, my body flipped completely over and I landed on the guy who stabbed me. The guy I was beating n, fell to the ground. I started choking the guy who stabbed me with my forearm, trying to kill him. I had no idea I had been stabbed, I never felt the knife even though it was sticking straight out of my chest now. The guy who fell to the ground was up and on his feet now and kicking me in the head. I boxed in the Marine corps and had never been knocked out but when this guy was kicking me I thought he was knocking me out, “I was dying from the stab wound”. I remember thinking to myself “hey, this is what it feels like to be knocked out”. I moved my head and tucked it behind the guy's head I was choking to death and started pushing with my head trying to break his neck. The guy started kicking me in the stomach now and that is when Brad got through the crowd and started helping me, he took the guy who was kicking me and hammered him. The crowd then decided to help and grabbed me and started dragging me off the guy I was killing. These guys were trying to kill me and now I have a knife sticking out of my chest and people are now getting involved, Brad is the only one there who had courage, honor or integrity. They pulled me off this guy while Brad was taking care of the other would be murderer. They held my arms and head back as I struggled to free myself. I seen the knife sticking out of my chest. I yelled at these people who held me defenseless to be killed, I have been stabbed, LET ME GO, I have been stabbed, let me go. They held me and the guy who stabbed me was on his knees and hands foaming from his mouth looking at me. I was unable to move, I could feel the knife inside me now when I tried to move. The guy who stabbed me was looking straight into my eyes as I was staring at him, he had blood red eyes, they were red, he jumped up and grabbed me by my neck, the people still held me for this guy. I thought he was going to bite my throat out because I would have bitten his out. He had me, I couldn't move because I was held by cowards. I remember having this complete acceptance of death I relaxed as his hands pulled on my neck but he grabbed the knife out of my chest instead of biting me. The blood shot straight out of my chest and with every heart beat I sprayed blood all over this guy trying to stab me again. The people who were holding me pushed me into this guy with the knife. I don't remember how I got out of the way of the knife that is a complete blank. After he missed me he came up with the knife and stabbed Brad in the stomach and ran into the crowd. I chased him for four steps and I heard an explosion and felt like I had ran straight into a brick wall. I fell onto my back and unknowing to me I was unable to move a muscle, I was paralyzed with my head turned to the left. I was looking at people looking at me, again no one did a thing, just looked at me like cowards. I remember a man holding this women as she balled. I started yelling to these people that I can't breath but they just stared at me, doing nothing. I did this for a while before I realized they could not hear me because my lips were not moving, I was paralyzed. I started fighting to stay alive, I refused to die. I told myself I was not going to die. I was so tired, I was just wiped out from fighting to breath. I was suffocating to death, it was horrible, the worst way to die. The background was now black, dark. I seen a face in my face I felt someone grab my neck and lift my head. It was Brad. He began CPR and breathed into me I only felt one breath but it was like I had just taken the biggest most beautiful breath of my life. I remember saying to myself “OK buddy its in your hands now” I was just wiped out. After that breath I went black, everything was dark. I don't know how much time had lapsed when I was out of my body. I didn't feel or remember leaving my body but it was like I was just there, I was standing over my body with my spirit/soul feet and ankles in my dead bodies head, I as looking down at myself but didn't remember being hurt, I had no idea I was dead or injured. I was now a translucent shadow with hands, feet, a whole body but it was made of energy, power, and strength. I looked at my right arm and made a fist. I looked at my left arm and made a fist. I felt so strong and powerful I was energy. I looked out at a 45 degree angle and shot off like a rocket into this infinity of darkness I could see into. It was not like being in a dark room or closet it was a darkness I could see into an infinity. I felt like I was in space. I was looking for something but didn't know what I was looking for. I knew I was looking for something but I had no urgency to find it. I was calm, no pain or worry I was just looking for something. I was zooming through this darkness like a rocket but I could not feel wind it was motion going forward at a 45 degree angle. I could not hear voices during this motion through space. All at once I came to an abrupt stop I was in this void with four entities to my left just above me and a voice of a man to my right and above the four entities say “he's not going to make it” at that moment I remember saying to my self “hey they are talking about me. I came back into myself through my eyes, it felt like a cartoon thing as if you pulled a window shade down and let it roll up and spin around and around that is what it felt like coming back through my eyes. I opened my eyes and my head was turned to the left I seen Brad sitting on the bench seat of the ambulance looking at me covered in blood he said nothing just looked at me he had his hands on his knees just covered in blood. I seen a paramedic holding an IV bottle in the air he was sitting on my left side at my knees just looking at me saying nothing. I looked at both of them and held both my arms up and flipped them off with both hands and said F–k you I am not going to die, then it went black I can't remember anything until I woke up again. I was being rolled down a long hallway on a gurney doctors and nurses all around me, I asked the nurse that was at my head if I could cry, she said “sure honey you can cry” it went black I don't remember anything until I woke up again. I was laying on my back and I opened my eyes looking up into the ceiling it was like the ceiling at my barracks so I thought I was in my room in my bed then I heard this breathing machine sound and tried to say what the f–k and started gagging a nurse put her face in mine and told me I had been injured and I was all right. They pulled the breathing tube out of my throat and I remembered my experience but never said anything. I felt like I had mass knowledge but just could not remember what I had learned. I knew I had to heel myself. I would lay in bed and slow my heart beat so the heart and lung could heal. I spent five days in the hospital and spoke to Brad on the fifth day. I told him of my experience and when I had seen him sitting there looking at me. Brad told me that that never happened. Brad said that they were working on him and he never sat up and I was taken away, he said “you were gone man” you never flipped anyone off. I soon felt like I could heal people because I can feel energy coming off people, I feel pain. I never told anyone until 1999 about this. I learned about Reiki so that makes it normal to me. But I have been on a quest searching my self and belief about people and the world I have been changed and feel I have met who I really am I met my soul/spirit and have many ideas of what we are and that we have existed for all time. I was in bad pain, a 10 on their scales. I asked God to take the pain away. Then, I was suddenly above looking down on my monitor and IV pole and my body. I then saw a white being that floated up. I was asked if I was ready and I said yes. Then the being told me to follow. I followed and went to see my kids. I kept arguing that I could go and it would be ok for them. I went to the waiting room and saw my family. They were talking and I watched them. I saw my son on the playground at school. I then went to the light to see my mother who had passed. I could not go in. I would have to make a decision. I wanted to go, but the being showed me what would happen to my children if I did. It was bad. So, basically I gave in and said ok, Then I went back to my body and watched myself go back in. Then the nurse grabbed my hand and said I was ok. there were things in between, but too painful to discuss at this time. Weird part was that I watched this nurse take a coke break at the beginning of the experience and the nurse across the room chewed her out on her return because I had gone into respiratory arrest. The monitor flat lined, but the hospital has little record of this, except that my records show that while the nurse was gone, my rates were exactly the same while she was gone. She made them up. Several nursed later verified this, against the hospital's wishes. I was standing in military formation at parade rest for a chain of command of ships; this means one ship was taking command of the area from the other ship. While standing at parade rest, I all of a sudden felt extreme heat at the bottom of me feet gradually increasing upward along my legs. Somehow I knew that I was going to pass out and tried to summon the person next to me by touching him with my elbow but I fainted before I could. Some say that I fell straight down and bounced three times on the canvas of the gym where the ceremony was held. I did not feel the impact. I all of a sudden was looking down at what at first appeared to be dots on the ground but eventually came into focus as people looking down on the floor at someone; I immediately realize that the person on the floor was myself. I then immediately looked to my left and saw, as though looking out of a window, the medical crew aboard ship, which was 200 yards away, scrambling to get a stretcher off the “bulkhead” (wall) in response to the call. Just as I saw the corpsmen running down the ship brow, suddenly I saw an extremely bright light flowing over my right shoulder and obstructing my view from everything within my sight. Turning toward this light to investigate its origin, I suddenly see three figures slowly approaching me; the figures began to come clearer and I then recognized them to be of my past uncle (my mother's sister's husband…“Uncle Buddy” (1972), my past aunt…my mother's baby sister (1976), and another uncle (Uncle Dee Dee)…my father's brother who I often visited during a great portion of my training after “Boot camp” on Orlando, Fl in 1979. Uncle Dee Dee seemed to have stepped forward and approached me as though to shake my hand. While I gestured to shake his hand I heard his voice as to say words to the effect of “Well done.” As I reached to grab his hand and to say “thank you” I was awakened by smelling salt from a corpsman's hand and found myself on the floor looking at all those around me. I was taken aboard ship and given medical attention with bed rest for three days. When I phone my parents the next day to convey my experience, my mother informed me that me uncle Dee Dee had passed the same day of my experience. And from that movement on my life has not been the same. Through that experience there is not a doubt in my mind that the physical existence is only temporary. There is more to tell, but it will probably be many pages written as a result. Thanks for allowing me to share. Continue to stay blessed… I am, Joshua E Hi, My name is Maria I was on vacation with my ex husband in my native country Bulgaria. Didn´t know that I was pregnant (2-3 months approx.) and had to carry the large suitcase the whole day in the summer sun of Bulgaria, 35-40 degrees celsius. Had some alcohol in the evening, since we were visiting a colleague from Bulgaria and spent the night there. At night I started having a horrible diarrhoea and haemorrhage. The whole toilet was full of blood. Eventually I had to lie down on the couch since the blood was spurting like a flood between my legs and I couldn´t get up. My colleague´s husband drove me to the nearest hospital. There the doctors dicided that I had a miscarriage and that I had to have a cleaning of the uterus done by an expert, as is usual in cases like this. I was comitted and didn´t have permission either to eat or drink until the operation. The next day I was going to have the operation, but the room was filled with women who got priority because they were acquainted with the doctors, and I was left there for another day and another day… Had to waith for 3 days in all, but still didn´t have permission to eat or drink… In any case, it was soon my turn. I wasn´t weighed either, and walked into the operating room, where women were operated on conveyor belt style, they had hardly cleaned out the room before me, since there was the smell of blood everywhere. And still I thought - at last, this is going to be quickly over with, and I didn´t have a clue what was awaiting me. I was put on a bed and the anesthetist gave me a substantial injection with the anaesthetic. I could only watch helplessly that the dosage seemed to be twice the usual amount (what I thought was reasonable). The procedure was quick. Nobody asked me about my weight or anything else. I was given the injection and it was exactly as if I´d had some acid put into me - it was like a fire, that killed everything in its way. My body seemed to get gassed to death… I felt myself starting to choke… “I´m dying… I´m dying… I´m on fire”. - I remember I clenched at my throat… Then I got so angry and dissapointed with myself, but I could still think and feel myself thinking, and I could even hear my thoughts all the time, sometimes reverberate very strongly in my head “Why did I come here to give my body to those idiots! I´m absolutely crazy! How could I come to this horrible place and give my body over to them!?” - I was apparently too hard on myself and too dissapointed with my irresponsibility. I had given my confidence to the wrong kind of doctors and was very, very angry with myself for being so gullible. Then it seemed like I was inside a cubist painting/work of art. I became “a triangle” and struggled with the sharp corners of the other triangles. (Later I learned that the doctors hit me at the end of the procedure to make me wake up - I was slapped in the face many times. But this was in the beginning of the experience). I didn´t understand anything, but I was helpless. It was like during pregnancy (later in my life). All I could do was “tag along.” You had no choice. My dissapointment over that I´d left my body to the idiots at the hospital passed, and I started to explore my new condition. I realized that I wasn´t “dead”. I had only changed my state of onsciousness. I still “EXISTED”! And didn´t understand anything! How is this possible?!? I have no body, but I´m “alive”… What is it that´s left of me, then??? By now I was pretty shocked over how fast all this came over me in the operating room, so I didn´t think of looking at myself to examine the remains of my being further. I just started to acquaint myself with my new condition in the sense that I understood that I was “only a voice” this was obvious to me! And how “HIGH” that voice was! It kind of “ECHOED” - such a “FORCE”… It sure was strange not to have a body anymore and just have your little voice left. To be transformed into “a voice” in the whole of your being. (The women from my room later told me that I´d scared all the pregnant ladies in the ward because I´d been screaming at the top of my voice straight through the whole procedure. But in the beginnig I kind of heard little “glimpses” of this, but later during this stage, I kind of sank into myself and all the memories from the room “faded away”.) It was strange not to be alive, but still existing as a voice… It was shocking, upheaving. I have strong bonds to my dear, self-sacrificing warm Bulgarian mother, who´s the best mother in the whole world. But, strangely enough, I didn´t have a thought about leaving her behind, or my father, or my husband, or my earthly life. Not a trace of regret. It was just upheaving to change conditions so dramatically and find myself in my new role as a bodiless being, as a pure “voice”. And nothing more… At this half stage, I had surely grieved for my body. But no glimpses, no films, no memories from my earthly life, nothing I missed or even thought about… Then the light came. I was thrown straight into the middle of the Sun. Straight into the middle of the warmest, most beautiful, most welcoming light, where I instantly felt that “here I feel good”… I was drawn to the ocean of light as a gigantic magnet, and drowned in light. I´m not sure, but I might have heard psalm singing. It was like the light was “singing” in some way… But not really. It wasn´t sound. Might have been telepathic. My soul might have come into contact with the soul music of the light. It was light and it was Love at the same time. There was hidden and encoded Heavenly music in the whole thing. It wasn´t important… The main thing was that here I felt Welcomed and Loved. I came “Home”… The intensity is so indescribable in words, so I can´t convey the experience in any way to anybody who haven´t experienced this themselves. Nothing on earth is comparable. Everything on earth fades compared with the strenght of this experience. Then I thought like this, “It´s not so bad here. I don´t want to go back to earth… Never again back there! Never again back to earth! And why should I go back down to Earth (note that I was thinking in terms of “down”). There… on earth… everything is so materialistic… everything has to be dragged back and forth, shoved to the right and left… you have to fight hard for results… A lot of work for nothing. Here I could move as I wanted - WHERE I wanted. It´s not so bad here. I absolutely don´t want to go back down to earth…” And while I was enjoying my new condition of total Freedom and total Love, I was pulled down, as by a line, an elevator, a force of gravity or “a force” - something that pulled me back to my body. My physical eyes opened in a strange way. My field of vision started to uncover the room from the upper parts of it and down. So the first thing I saw was the machinery above my roommates beds and then their heads and themselves lying there, and last the legs of the beds. It was as if somebody put me back with a line in my physical body, without me being able to influence it in the least. I was put back into the “doll” again, without anyone asking me if I wanted it or not. The women gathered around my bed: “Girl, you scared us all with your screaming. The whole hospital is scared. What happened to you?” Everybody looked pale. “Nothing! I was exploring” - I hear myself say. I answered automatically. “What kind of exploring did you do?” - I hear them asking ironically, they thought I was insane. “Explorations about God” - I answer curtly and see them being taken aback. They understand that I´m not insane but still have my intellect left intact. (In the room, the women used to practice questioning all the women who were still anaesthetized and asked them intimate questions about their boyfriends and sex… and I might have said the word “stupid geese” to them, because I don´t like this kind of “jokes”). They couldn´t fool me, I was wide awake and not worth the trouble! Then I was left alone. I couldn´t wait for the nurse to come to our room. “Nurse! What did you give me that was so awful?” - I asked about the anaesthetic. Heard her rattle off all the 6 or 7 latin names for the anaesthetic with their complex words. Then she left the room. It took me 4 months to come back to life. I longed to get back “home”. I didn´t want to live on. That´s how wonderful the experience was. My relatives looked suspiciously at me - maybe she was insane! - But I was more alert than them. I still appreciated the continuance of life and was very shocked and scared by the whole thing. At the first possible moment I went and lighted a candle for God in the temple Hram-pammetnik “Alexandör Nevski” - in the center of Sofia. It was then that I realized for the first time that the churches are the only institutions on earth that are Right. The experience changed my outlook on God. From being atheist and non-believer, I pounced hungrily upon spiritual litterature, started visiting the Krsna-temple, was vegetarian for 3 years and going to be so again… read so much, that my muscles atrophied… (today I´m sick in fibromyalgia and rheumatism). The will to gain knowledge was and is enormously strong… Today I´m convinced that God exists. I dream prophetic dreams. My grandfather comes to visit me often and radiates light and energy, he turns up in difficult moments and sometimes warnes me. We hug in every dream. Everybody should go through an NDE to grow spiritually and personally. Material and bodily things become unimportant. You see through peoples souls. I got an unlimited outlook on life which sometimes can be scary - you think on a very large scale and globally and see connections more clearly. Money, career, intrigues, sex-appeal - all this is not important at all in my life, as it was before the experience. All I strive for is vegetarianism and the animals liberation from the Concentration camps. In my case, I´m grateful that I had good karma and was sent to the Light, despite the fact that I wasn´t any kind of angel back then. And yet, God was merciful enough to let me explore him. As for the rest, I´m grateful that I didn´t meet any Being at all! Beings would have scared me. I´m grateful that Grandfather turns up in dreams now and then, and that we keep in touch and that God answers some of my prayers before I go to sleep when I doubt. I´m sure that I can expand my relationship to God if I physically have the chance and time to do what I´d like to do. I´m not at all stupid or naive, but just a person who´s eager to learn and who´s pretty well read now, after all the seeking and after this staggering experience, that isn´t comparable to anything in this life. Thank you for letting me pour my heart out to you! I was at my boy friend’s parent’s house, we just had lunch. We wanted to have a sauna session, that’s something I had never tested before but I thought that could relax me, because I felt tired. Half an hour later, the temperature inside the sauna reached more than 60 degrees, almost 70, and I decided to go out of the room because I felt oppressed by the heat. The sauna’s room led to a garage without heating, and it was fresh since we were in December. My friend advised me to go out gradually to avoid any thermal shock but as soon as I set foot outside, I felt myself being invaded by a giddiness, a huge pain in all my body. I held on to my friend, feeling that I was going to faint, then I began to howl, without really being aware of my screams : I was already loosing consciousness. I saw the black wrapping me, I had an awful noise in my ears and in my head, a deafening noise, but may be it was my screams because my friend maintained that I howled and that he was very afraid. I remember this intense pain and and I remember having, at the same time, a life review with short pieces, experiences that I even didn’t recall, coming back in my mind. That’s difficult to explain, but all that gave me the feeling to be in a fast deafening carroussel which scene was my own life. I saw my father, my brother and my sister and more particulary my grandfather who was smiling to me, but also one of my uncles deceased a few year before. I felt myself floating and rotating. Then I didn’t feel my body anymore, I had the impression to be nothing anymore, to not exist physically anymore. Then I saw what was really happening, my recumbent body, my friend shaking me, trying to make me awoke, and his father who joined him and who hitted my cheek. I had the impression to observe what was happening from above as if I had an external view on what was occurring. I heard them shouting, speaking. First I didn't understand what they told me, then I found myself back in my own body, as if I had been send in my body, in a sudden come back to life and reality. It has been difficult for me to open eyes and while waking up, I was told that I was very blade, livid, and that during this accident I had eyes with the whites showing, the body arched, tight and finally completely relaxed, as if lifeless. After this episode, during several days, I felt an intense tiredness, a need to sleep. Back to home, while telling my parents what happened, they told me : “That’s unbelievable, your grandfather called a few minuts ago to tell us that he had the feeling you were very bad, that you had a problem, that you were in danger”. I was swimming at a friends house. I dove in to the pool and immediately felt a sharp pain in the left side of my neck. I became very nauseated and dizzy. I felt myself struggling in the water. I could not breath or swim. I then saw myself in a long narrow room which had walls made of mahogany with a long mahogany bar on the left side of the room. The end of the room had a swinging door with a light around the edges of the door on the other side of the door. I saw myself walking up to the bartender and asked him for a glass of air. He gave me a martini glass filled with water and I drank that and asked for another glass of air. Again, he gave me another glass of water which I drank. Then I said I really wanted a glass of air and he gave me a glass of air which I drank. At that moment I was pulled up to the surface of the pool by two people I was swimming with. They said I was under the water for about a minute. I remember struggling to stay afloat and I could not make any sound from my mouth. After pulling me from the pool I was rushed to the hospital where they said I had a total heart block…..no electrical current from the top part of my heart to the bottom. I then had a double bypass and had a pacemaker put in. I remember the bar scene as if it happened 5 minutes ago. On april 25, 2003 I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance. Because I was not able to breathe. I had lost about 47% of my oxygen which was not good. I don't remember the ride to the hospital. But from the time I left my body during that time I was floating to what I thought was heaven, I saw a bright light like I had never seen before. And I felt a peace and serene feeling, this was peace that was indescribable, then I look up and there was my grandfather with open arms. He said he would take care off me. I looked to my left and I seen my 2 children telling me to come back. And I came back I am writing this from two views, 1st from my experience and second from Alicia's view. On the 16th of July 2001, I had been sent out of town with the Army, my roommate, more like a daughter, was ill from intestinal blockage brought on from a C-section. The night of the 16th she went into heart failure and went approximately 9 minutes with no heart beat, she was resuscitated and transported to the ER of the local hospital. I was informed of this via the red cross and was flying home on the morning of the 18th, on the plane ride back, at 8 am I felt something like someone had pulled something out of my head, at that moment I saw what I can best describe as an oblong fuzzy star, come from next to my head, fly up to the seat in front of me and then disappear through the roof of the airplane. Because it was such an intense experience, I took note of the time. Upon arriving back in town I went to the hospital where my friend was in ICU in a coma, with a prognosis of no chance of surviving. Talking with the doctor that Friday, he encouraged me to sign a do not resuscitate order, stating her heart had stopped again Wednesday, I stated, 8AM, and he looked at me and said yes, he never asked but had this look about him of how did I know. Some time later Alicia came out of her coma, almost from the very first she told an amazing story of having gone to Heaven. She would look at you and point up to the sky and say “I went to heaven, it was beautiful” she would hold her arms out as wide as she could an say “There were lots of people, lots of people” she would cross her arms over her chest and say “Everybody loved each other, there was no cussing, no fighting, no shooting” with each statement she would use her hands to emphasize what she said, and lastly she would say “I didn't want to come back.” She passed away Easter Sunday 2003. I need it known that she had suffered massive brain damage and was unable to remember virtually anything, yet her memory of having gone to heaven was one that was never forgotten and one that never changed. I did not experience anything the day she passed forever, I believe the first time she was scared and came to me out of fear, but the second time, she had no fear, she knew she was going to a beautiful and peaceful place. Without transition, and without pain, I was suddenly standing in a beautiful green woods. It was like jumping right into the middle of a vivid, colorful dream. There was lots of light and sunshine all around, light breezes rustling the leaves. Profound feelings of joy and well being and happiness and comfort and love. Before me, a sort of glade in the the woods beckoned me towards lighter woods further on. It seemed there was more sunshine down there. The light was not blinding, nor was it white. It was more yellow, like sunshine really is, and the color of the leaves was spring green. There was nobody there, just me. I was curious about going further down the path, but suddenly had a feeling the I had better get out of there. With that feeling, I was back in the Emergency Room. They had coded me, and I had been clinically dead for just a couple minutes. On last 21st of July, I gave birth, having a Caesarean under epidural. About two hours later, back in my room, I had a rather significant bleeding.… I called the hospital staff to ask them to change my sheet, spotted. The nurse asked me if I felt well, I answered yes. She let the beep alarm ring and two auxiliary nurses arrived for help… Same question… But this time I answered “I feel myself fainting, my head is spinning”. Two others auxiliary nurses arrived, 5 people looking after me … And in spite of that, I felt myself fainting more and more soundly… Still half conscious, I heard my baby crying, I raised the head to see him, and a nursery nurse entered and took him with her.… I thought, everything is OK, they look well after him… And I let go, I let myself fainting, in spite of the orders coming from the auxiliary nursing staff who gave taps on my cheek “stay with us!!! Madam!!!!” Then I went out of my body, I knew what it was because my spouse had already an out of body experience. I saw myself lying on the bed with 5 busy people around me as if I were stuck on the room’s ceiling. All was dark, the silhouettes of the people seemed to be black on dark brown background. I did not distinguish their faces… nor mine… I thought I was dead. “Don’t be frightened”, then I heard… I was not frightened… I was dead, at least that’s what I thought, I had no painful feeling… And I had already this feeling of being full of an infinite love as I had never felt before … Why being afraid of Love? Love does not want to do harm… The memories I have from this are vague: I remember to be advised on my way of living and my health: for example no more smoking and no more drinking. I was also advised on my behaviour with my close relations and particularly on my relations with my Mother, which until there were rather tended. I have no memory about place and time… I was surrounded by very loving souls… And that’s not all: no room, no landscape… just the souls. It’s one of the auxiliary nursing telling my son’s first name and adding “he needs you” that made me come back to life and its earthly reality. During the next 3 days, 3 out of the 5 auxiliary nursing staff, who were there when all this happened, told me they have been frightened to lose me. When I had this experience, I knew nothing about NDEs totally ignorant. It was a few years before I learned about such things and read anything about them. I was extremely ill 106 fever for a week, My experience was vivid, every dead loved one and good friend was there to greet me and guide me I saw angels a field full of them, the music my gracious can't begin to compare it to anything on earth, with all this even showing me future events if I stayed upstairs (in heaven). I was told to marry a certain woman and that we were to have two children a boy then a girl we did and we have, thinking about this brings tears to my eyes joy chills goose bumps and a sense of reverence beyond explanation, I was given a choice, there was a long discussion, they showed me videos of what was going to happen at home if I stayed with them and just went to the approaching light. I fought to come back and whooshed backwards thru the tunnel from whence I had arrived and hit the bed with a thud it must have been audible as 3 nurses came running in and yelled thank God his fever is broken he is still with us Thank God!!! So it is important that I do something a little better with my life than what it was I had not been accomplishing before this life giving episode in my short and transitory visit in this dimension. Love was all around, the feelings cannot be articulated so that there can be a duplication of the feelings that this event fathered. After my return, I doubted where I had been because there were two live people friends up there. Mike a client in London was there in a green cashmere sport coat holding a wooden handled putter, and a childhood fried, Betsy who was smiling and hugged me. The rest were dead some great grandparents that I had only seen a picture of and never met where there. This all happened the first week in October 1988 and I was being treated for Legionnaires Disease. At thanks giving my mother told me, “i have some sad news your friend Betsy died last summer. The first of the chills came down my am. At Christmas time, I called Mike and was told he couldn't come to the phone because he was dead. I asked, “how, where, when?” They replied, “Last July at the annual LLOYDS GOLF tournament, they had finished the game and had just gotten dressed up for dinner and he had a heart attack.” I was speechless and validation of where I had been hit like a tone of bricks. HOW DID MIKE AND BETSY COME AND MEET ME? HOW DID THIS COMMUNICATION TRANSPIRE? HOW DID THEY KNOW I HAD CROSSED THE LINE IN A HOSPITAL IN MIAMI? How I have asked myself a hundred times. Regards, Arthur I was approximately 14-15 years old, in a summer camp and we were playing a game, which I thought innocuous at that time (a monitor even took part) but which, in fact, is really fatal (a variant of the “scarf’s game” which takes a tragic turn in playgrounds). The game consisted in breathing out, in a repetitive and forced way (like a breathless dog) during 1 to 2 minutes, to raise at one go and a “partner” pressed on my carotid. I lost consciousness during 2-3 minutes and made me awoke by being given slaps on the face. It’s at that time that I had a life review. I don’t remember any more about how I reached this state (out of body experience, tunnel, …) but I remember me seeing like a summary of my stay in this summer camp with the full possibility of choosing to let the events pass or to dwell on them, with an external point of view, as if I could fly around those last events. The whole, in a feeling of wellbeing. It seemed to me that time was different from reality because I could go again in much of situations in a short time. Then I awoke, a little bit groggy by this experience, but feeling good about myself. For sure, I forget some details because it’s not new and at that time, this event intrigued me; but up to now, I never took time to ask me more questions. Today, I realize that this experience could have had a tragic turn. Of course, I don’t encourage anybody to do it because there is a real danger of death! I'd have never experienced all that before. It made me aware of how alive every thing is. God is in every fiber of the universe. He's all over and knows all. He's not a person as some may think. God is an energy. I can't type all this , though I know what I'm talking about, but I'm unsure how to word it so people would understand. I only understand because I experienced it. At first every thing was dark, and I thought this is it. I'm dying. I remember thinking, because it was dark I was going to hell. Then I thought, where's the lake of fire? At the same time I'm picturing all the things I'd ever done in my life. It seemed I saw every thing like in a split second. I opened my eyes and left me body but no one noticed. I was floating over my self watching At the same time the paramedics were frantically working on me. They kept slamming my chest with this shock thing. One was saying ,”I can't get a pulse, “then” no vital signs” “she's flat line ”“ keep trying, we're almost there”“ But there's no use , she's not breathing” look at her she's all grey,“ They kept shocking me . I saw my body jerk up like every time it hit me and it hut real bad. At the same time I saw my arms flaying trying . It seemed when I tried to push them away, my arms went right through them . I guess we reached the hospital, as they were running through the doors, someone shouted,” get the big gun's out.“ On a loud speaker some one was saying code blue, code blue in emergency. A couple more hits with the zapper put me in a comma for about a week. At the same time all this was going on, I'm speeding through what seemed to be a tunnel though I began to realize, it seemed it was a tunnel because it was so dark all around me and I was in this tunnel of light The further I went, the lighter it got. As the light got brighter , I could see it was beautiful there. I could see my self on this table with someone sticking a tube up my nose and down my throat. That's the last time I saw my body until I came out of the coma. But in the mean time I felt I had reached my destination. I began to focus on what was around me. I saw these beings, they must have been people on either side of me. I didn't hear anyone speaking, they communicated with their thoughts. They were all consoling me telling my not to worry, I was in good hands. There were no buildings, but some how the areas were marked off, like rooms. One thing I forgot to mention, before I got that far into the light, I passed an area that was very nosy. It seemed people were screaming and moaning as though they were in pain or some sort of mental anguish. It was too dark on the sides of my tunnel of light to see what was going on. I only remember those horrible sounds. Anyway I was no longer on a bed or any thing but seemed to be gliding up right further to the light . The light while bright didn't glare, but it was sort of a golden glow. People seemed to be floating all around. All happy and smiling. I could feel the love and calmness there. They all seemed to have a glow around them. Some one told me I could have a seat for a few minutes, that some one was coming to talk to me. No pain, nothing, just peace. Then two men came to me which reminded me of monks, from the way they looked and dressed. They somehow conveyed a message to me that it would be awhile before a decision was made. They would let me know the outcome . Then these women came to sort of show me around. They showed me a huge area that sort of reminded me of a library. They told me that it was one of the learning areas, where people were waiting to see where they would be sent. I nderstood they were preparing to come back here to earth. I have no way of knowing how long I was there as I had no perception of time. At some point the monks (i call them) returned. They gave me a message that it wasn't my time to be there but if nothing changed I'd be back there at some future date, and a lot of other things, which I can't remember at this time. It comes back to me in bits and pieces, then I forget again , but that's about all of it. The next thing I knew was I was slammed back into my body and hit the tunnel again but going the opposite way. For a couple of days prior I was so ill and now looking back realize too ill to even comprehend what was happening. Thought I had diarrhea, I had no comprehension I was bleeding to death it was from an ulcer. I was told later by the doctors probably wouldn't have made it if it had been 2 hours later, anyway the experience was phenomenal. I remember my grandparents and a few others being around me and then it seemed as I w as headed for the light which seemed so peaceful and I really wanted to go, but it was at this time that God intervened and told me that it wasn't my time yet, there was still some unfinished business - that is about it. Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? No Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes Can't express in words, will try - it seemed as if I was fighting something until I started toward the light, it appeared to be that some of my relatives were present whom have now passed remember God telling me something that my mission on earth was not finished. In other words wasn't my time. At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Yes Yes I bled to death, brought back only by the Grace of God. What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? Not much, sort of remember vaguely when arriving at the hospital of trying to tell something, no knowledge. Was the experience dream like in any way? No it wasn't dreamlike, it appeared very very real, especially when I focused on the light and my grandparents and listening to God, I am eternally grateful for this superb experience it definitely changed my life and my attitude. Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Yes Yes for awhile, really can't describe it too much, except that it was a great feeling of peace and love. Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? The only noises or words as I described them was God speaking to me. Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Uncertain Did you see a light? Yes, It was totally euphoric, there seemed to be so much peace and love and understanding, the knowledge that I was truly in the right place. Did you meet or see any other beings? Yes My grandparents and others of whom were not too clear, or at least I do not remember, but were some there. Did you experience a review of past events in your life? Uncertain Not too many past events, but I thought of my puppy I had just gotten and was wondering what was going to happen to her. Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? Uncertain, I think it was just that my mission was incomplete. Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions? Yes Just going into the light was so awe inspiring and restful, peaceful and full of love. Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Uncertain Since I was in ICU for a number of days, told after I came around, couldn't believe it had been 10 days. Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Yes Yes when God told me in no uncertainty that it was not my time, that I had some unfinished business. Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? yes I believe the light was as far as I went, from there I know not. Did you become aware of future events? Yes Sort of that everything would be okay, at least that was the feeling that permeated my body after it was all over. Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? Yes God telling me that it wasn't my time yet. Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Yes The special gift that I became more serene and willing to let go of a lot of things that had been holding me. Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Yes As in above. The ability to listen better and hold no resentments or grudges, mainly it was filled with so much peace and love throughout my body. How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices? Not sure today, but for awhile it was fantastic, was able to listen unconditionally forming no opinions of others, but just letting them go with love. Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes More calm and peaceful around others, especially my family and willing to allow them their life with no interference. Have you shared this experience with others? Yes, A few people What emotions did you experience following your experience? A lot of love, peace, at oneness, What was the best and worst part of your experience? Upon awakening days later and realizing how ill I really was. Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? For me it was totally going into the light, experiencing God and hearing his voice, knowing that my mission was incomplete, more lessons of learning - just becoming aware of everything. Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes, it did. Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire. This questionnaire was pretty complete I thought, thanks. I had had a difficult night and at 6:30 am I was sitting in a chair watching my granddaughter blow soap bubbles at the cat's face. I remember leaning forward to tell her to stop. The next thing I new I found myself in a thick grey fog. I was struggling to get through it. Suddenly I broke free and I was outside of my body looking down at myself laying on the floor next to my open closet door. I was laying on my left side. I was standing or floating above my body but I still had a body separate from the one on the floor. I remember stretching out my hands in shock and saying “What happened? Did I have a stroke?” I remember feeling very shocked. I remember then turning my spirit body and leaving. Next I was in a very black place. It was not frightened because I knew that there was nothing out there in the darkness. I was just black velvet. I don't really remember much after that until it was time to leave. I found myself being sucked backward through a tunnel. I could see the light that I was being pulled away from and there was someone who seemed to be standing on a platform on the left side of the tunnel. It was as if they were seeing me off from a train station and I could hear their words “Remember three, remember three” The nest thing I knew I was waking up in an ICU unit at the local hospital. I am still working on remembering three but among the things that I have remembered is that time does not really exist. It is just a measurement used by we so called living people. The first time I was in a boarding school in PA. Developed pneumonia and was placed in an unheated room. Had a fever raise to 107. Was moved to a hospital. My mother was a nurse there. I had no pulse, or breathing and felt my body rise out of my body and could see everyone doing what they could to bring me back. I was up near the ceiling and could see a long tunnel of light and approached the end of it but something made me come back to my body. My mother made them pack my body in ice and I was in a metal tub for 3 days when my fever broke and I came back from wherever I was. I have had …unsure of how to describe it…3 episodes where I saw windows into the past since then. The 2nd time, I had been beaten by my alcoholic father and knocked into a bathtub of boiling water. I was found at the bottom of the stairs of our house and had lost 80% of the blood in my body. I was taken to Walter Reed Army Hospital and pronounced dead with no respiration or pulse. I again saw the light and felt my body leave my body. I came back but it took a year to recover from my injuries. I have seen the ghosts of relatives since then at the time of their death and had panic attacks for 30 years after this incident. As an aside, my mother is somewhat intuitive and has known when family members are ill or have died even when they are 1000s of miles away. I have some of that ability, but it is more of a sense of something is wrong and I have to call and ask if anyone is ill… I did not have this before my experiences. I have also had 1 episode of missing time and cannot account for the half an hour loss.. I was chasing a frog and fell into stock tank. I remember everything turning green and then I felt great peace. I was going down a black tunnel toward a very bright light at the end. When I got there I remember feeling a great peace and then head a voice saying “David you need to go back. Your mom and dad need you.” Since then I have been told that dad found me and pulled me out and Mom did CPR on me. Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? No Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Yes, drowning What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? awake and alert I felt fully Was the experience dream like in any way? No Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Describe: No Yes Dark tunnel toward a light Did you see a light? Yes, Bright light at end of tunnel then light so bright I could not see Did you experience a review of past events in your life? No I learned that there is an after life and that it was very pleasant Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? No Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Yes Very pleasant place unlike anything I have experienced before or since Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Yes That I was needed by my parents and had a purpose back with them Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No Did you become aware of future events? No Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? Yes Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? No Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? No response How has the experience affected your relationships? daily life? religious practices? Career choices? Have always had feeling that there was a better place when I am gone and have had a close relationship to family What was the best and worst part of your experience? was needed The great peace and knowing that I Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes In August 1985, the day I arrived on vacation at the seaside, in the south of France, I arrived having only one idea in mind, to have a bathe, to have a swim, to enjoy the pleasures of the sea. My 4 years old niece comes into the sea with me and at the time I put the head under water, I lose consciousness. Seeing that I stayed too long floating with the head in water, my niece took my head out of water, pulling on my hair. At this moment, I see my body as if I was dead; it is like if I was on a kind of pedestal, watching the scene, without any fear; I attend the scene without worrying about anything, I don’t understand why my family cries, bothers, go into a panic whereas I feel so well. “Staying at the top of this pedestal, I watch several scenes at the same time, in several different places, I hear every thing and I am even able “to hear ” each one’s interior dialog, without being astonished. I see the firemen who try to resuscitate me and the ambulance service staff which resuscitate with electric discharges to make my heart beat again (I want them to stop what they are doing, I feel well there “where I am”…) I attend the complete reanimation scene and my transport by helicopter to the hospital of Montpellier). I feel attracted as if magnetized by a light which attracts me, more I come closer to this light, more I feel well, a feeling of peace, love, wellbeing, fullness. This light attracts me and I lose sight of my terrestrial body, I go towards this light which absorbs me more and more. I never felt such a total wellbeing before in my life. All at once, the light disappears, I see my terrestrial body lying on a bed, this body is connected with a multitude of machines, that doesn’t surprise me. Without moving out of the room, I can see what occurs in the corridor where my sister and her husband are, in a state of shock. I attend their conversation and all seems natural to me. All at once, black hole, nothing anymore, something keeps me from breathing, I cough, I recover consciousness, I awake disappointed, frustrated, I suffer physically, I realize that I was there without being there, was it a dream? My family tells me what happened, it is exactly as if I had been with them, but I prefer to say nothing, I can’t find the right words. I’ll keep this event forever much to myself. I won’t disclose it to my family members, they would not understand… “If the lack of sunshine at night time makes you cry, you won’t be able to see the stars. If you sit down on the road, always face what you will walk and give your back to what you already walked” Chinese old saying In here we will handle a portion of that experience during those nine days, when I was not conscious. STORY It happened early in the morning of that 6th of January 1995, right after waking up for my routine tasks; after having mi morning bath and having breakfast, I lost consciousness for nine days, when I awoke from my trip to the after-death. I have been told that I was hospitalized in the nearest clinic to my house at the time, this is San Blas Clinic, not far from the area of Loma del Este, Valencia, Venezuela. It was a public holiday – Day of the Adoration -. I was admitted to emergency clinically dead/ with no vital signs. At this time there were no specialists in neurology on duty; however, they brought a neurosurgeon from Caracas, just arrived to Valencia, Dr. Araujo, who proceeded with the craniotomy, due to bad sinuses that infected my brain of pus. They extracted 250 cl , all due to blocking of my nasal cavity since childhood, that I was not aware of. I was unaware of what had happened to me until the ninth day, when I woke up and two surgeons, one of them was Dr. Araujo, told me: “Calm down, you’ve just had brain surgery”. One of my daughters living abroad was contacted, to say goodbye, since my life was at stake. Nine out of ten, in these cases, die. My situation was so bad that even doctors got my family ready for my funeral arrangements. This idea spread easily with some visiting professors/teachers, friends/acquaintances of mine, who were told that it would be difficult for me to survive, like Prof. Requena and wife, who arrived from Maracay and bid farewell twice, as they corroborated. However, what was going on me? What was I experiencing? What happened to me? This is what I can recall: I always had the idea of being in a dream, sleep. I not only remember passing through a dark tunnel, but through a tunnel with lights of a wide range of colors. During the whole way, numerous voices could be heard, telling me: “None that is on earth belongs to you any longer, everything is temporary. These are not your children-just roles to play-everything is temporary-your success is linked to the way you played your role-it depends on how did you behave”. And all of a sudden a screen-like thing was opened and they told me: “This is all you have done until now”. I remember scenes of my past life since I was two; they were telling me: “You failed this, you were wrong in this, here you can see mistakes made, here they are the good deeds…” It was incredible, since it reminded bad moments of my life to me, of grieving, moments of impureness…and all due to the simple fact that I was not paying attention to what I was supposed to do, due to being unable to handle my weakness, emotions,…. I felt bad when I realized all the suffering I had caused upon others and myself, I learnt how to interpret the karmic law (cause / effect) and its consequences. It was pointed out again and again to me that everything in this physical/earthy plane is temporary and that we must free ourselves from any dependence, conditioning or attachment whatsoever, since they prevent us from growing and developing ourselves and they generate grief. I was reminded about the importance of not becoming too attached to illusory shapes/features, to roles to be played… I was insisted on the importance of doing it well without generating dependence or demands….it was highlighted to me that the existence in this plane has to be accordingly, that one must take advantage of opportunities given without causing harm to anybody…on the contrary, letting love to manifest itself, respecting everybody’s feelings, not lying to anybody, learning how to be authentic…not letting be trapped by the illusory or vane. I was told :” You will carry nothing over, just what you did for your own development….all mundane remains there, do not get attached to it…make use of it, without causing any harm, without creating dependency for yourself” I clearly remember how I arrived to a place with a beautiful light, shining in splendor, where many people who were entering a reception hall gathered; a vast hall well decorated. I did not know any of them. I was hearing many voices, proper music of the spheres, a beautiful music not well known, very harmonious, vibrating… Many beings dressed on white tunic, some others wearing a yellow one. Somebody approached initially to me and said: “Your stay in here will be short. Somebody has been waiting for you and wants to say goodbye. This is your last chance. He’ll come out soon. You just have to go into that room, which he will enter”. Right then I heard how somebody was calling and how they said: “There is one who wants to greet you and say goodbye. This is the last time you’ll see him. This is your grandfather Abraham.” The door opened and my grandfather came up, shining. He gave me a hug and talked to me. I remember him saying: “I came to bid farewell. You won’t see me again. There are some other tasks waiting for me. Take care and follow your path”. He told me some other things, but I do not remember them properly. He gave me another hug. I saw how the door opened and how he left, leaving me very sad. However, somebody took my hand and told me that I had to go back, that there were too many things to do for me. As in my way here, my way back was through shining colour lights, in particular green, yellow and blue…as if I was having shower of lights…and they gave me great peace. I did not understand why, but when I was back, somebody said that vibrations of colours emanated from those lights are caused by prayers and meditation of groups praying for you, accordingly to their guide. I admit that I never got scared, on the contrary, this trip and proximity to death caused big changes on me; I experienced a transformation, more exalted/sublime than being in this dimension… I knew how to accomplish my mission, how to be more alert in my relationships, with manners, and how to work harder on de-attachment and dependence. All this on next script. About 6 other girls were taking turns breathing and exhaling 10 times and then someone would come from behind you and squeeze very hard around your chest. The next thing I remember is floating in the corner of the ceiling at least 15 - 20 feet high. Below me was the circle of students around my body. I fully realized where I was yet, I felt no anxiety or fear. It was just floating. I can't remember the specific conversation but I do know it was going on. I don't know how long I was up there but it was more than a minute or two. It seemed to last quite a while. I never moved past the ceiling, it seemed that it was holding me at that level. But I was floating. The next thing I remember is waking up on the floor and then nothing. I suppose no one thought it was fun anymore, and we all went about our business with never a word or conversation about what had happened. I guess as a child, I just was so overwhelmed that I pushed it back, yet never, ever forgetting the experience. This remained my biggest secret until recently. And that is the honest to God truth. When others comment on what happens to us after death, I feel secure in knowing, “It's not over!!” Now to what happened during Easter of this year (2004). This story is really in three parts - the first one is the physical circumstances leading up to the NDE. I have got to let you know that I am in perfect health with regular checkups, a good exercise program, healthy eating, etc. So when this took place it surprised us. Penne and my children were in the car with me. We came back from seeing the Dentist (for Stephanie, my daughter) and traveled along the motorway to our exit. Coming up the exit and approaching the set-oflights I was suddenly hit in the middle of the chest with a massive pain (like a lance hitting me). It was 4:00pm and the news had just come on - Maundy Thursday. Because we only had about 2kms to travel, and lots of cars all around me, I proceeded towards home and had another two massive hits along the way. Needless to say, Penne and the Children were very worried. I parked the car in our drive way and was unable to move with only shallow breathing managing the pain in my chest. After a few minutes I moved inside the house and straight away had the fourth hit. Penne tried to ring our doctors (we know quite a number connected to our congregation) but they were all out of the office by now - on vocation. I had settled down and convinced Penne that things will get back to normal, all I needed was rest. We had everything prepared for a special Maundy Thursday service to re-enact the Lord's Supper event at the church - a big event, but I had everything prepared. Penne went to this function and upon entering the function room met with one of our doctors. Friends looked after the children from that point on. They came back to see me at home. After an examination the doctor rang for the ambulance and admitted me to the cardiac ward at our Sunshine Coast Private Hospital. The specialist doctors proceeded with every possible test at the disposal and kept me monitored throughout. In the morning the heart specialist came to see me. He response was 'well, you're a mystery to us.' They found absolutely nothing wrong with me and were at a loss to explain the pain - no heart attack or anything related to it. It was now Good Friday morning. He proceeded to sign my release papers at the nurses' station which was only a few feet away from the end of my bed. I had just finished eating my breakfast and watch the number of doctors and nurses increase - shift change. A strange dizzy feeling cam over me, but just briefly enough for me to thing 'this is weird.' It was followed by a tingling sensation from my feet moving up along my legs towards my head, and then … I flat-lined for two minutes. I was dead and the nursing staff worked for that entire time to get me back - they were right there! I have all this documented, because I asked for a printout after I recovered. Phase two then started … my NDE. At first I found myself in absolute darkness but was totally aware of everything and knew that I was dead. There was no fear or anxiety attached to this awareness. In actual fact I knew that I was 'in death' (the darkness had a presence to it). I remember turning to my left and right and thinking 'now what?' There was no point to move anywhere, no reference point, nothing: nihilism - the ultimate individualism, just myself in a void of emptiness. God had left me there just long enough to become familiar with this reality. I then found myself being lead along, but I wasn't moving by my own ability - more like being carried along. I felt as if there was a hand on my back directing me, or more like being placed in God's and and transported along without my effort (I had the awareness of movement, but no reference of moving - because I was in complete darkness). Then suddenly the darkness gave way and I found myself standing in front of this huge mansion. Golden, honey colored, light was streaming out to the windows and surrounded me - pushing back the darkness. I remember looking to my side and seeing the darkness fade like a fog, but trying to still hold on to me in a vain attempt to keep me. The golden light saturated my every cell, my very being. It also had a presence to it, but different from the darkness. It was filled with so much joy that the feeling was more real and intense than any emotion I have ever had in my best moments on earth. In the front part of the mansion, the exterior of which extended further than my peripheral vision allowed, I saw a massive oak door and it swung open. At first my eyes were overpowered by the brilliance inside, but after a brief moment I was able to see this large hall filled with people, all dressed in white. The place sparkled, there was a golden staircase at the rear of this hall leading to other sections, and it had a very festive mood. Everything had an extra dimension to things. Everything looked more real. I remember taking note of how people looked - and the only explanation that I have is that I was able to see round. When we see people normally, we only get to see what they want to reveal. This was like seeing people for who they are - as God sees them: all at once. Also the white gowns were part of people; it wasn't like they had put clothing on as a separate fabric, but that it was an extension of who they were - like the robe of salvation, or the gown of righteousness, from scripture. They all looked young, but were not young in age - just freed from the decay and curse of death; fully alive. After looking around and seeing all this, I then noticed the man at the door. He welcomed me with such enthusiasm and delight to see me. He had a crystal goblet in his hand, with a golden ring around it, filled with red wine to overflowing. He offered it to me and said that it was my cup. Before I reached out to take hold of it, just at that moment, another man approached him and whispered into his ear as he passed by. The man with the goblet then turned back to me and said: “Oh, it looks like you'll just be a moment, so I'll put this cup of wine to the side here, and it will be waiting for you when you return.” I then started to come back. But even coming back was an interesting experience. It was like being at the bottom of a swimming pool and looking up. If you blow bubbles you can then see everything in a 360 degree view. I could hear them say, 'come back now, open your eyes, stay with us!' I then regained full consciousness. During the coma, one evening, a “thought” (not a voice) forces itself upon me “you will recite “our father” and you will forgive your mother”. Christ appears to me as a stamp posts on the retina. Two weeks later, the same “apparition”, another thought “you will honour your father and your mother, as you have now forgave her” (always in the coma) Last Tuesday, (got out of coma and went out of the hospital), no “apparition” but an injunction in the street “this evening, you’ll go to mass to pray for the dead”. In the evening of my 18th birthday (I am born the 05/09/70), I had a motorcycle accident. I was back-seat passenger. The rider and I were drunk and at midnight, we collided with a parked vehicle in front of the hospital. According to the reports, I struck the asphalt twice. The second time, I had no more my crash helmet because the first hit made me loose it. I probably fainted because when I opened the eyes again, I was on a stretcher, with doctors from the ambulance service around me. They were asking me to count theirs fingers to avoid fainting again …….. without any result. I fell in a light coma. I will go out of it 5 days later. Meanwhile I have been operated for the many fractures and the beginning of bleeding due to the cranial and facial trauma. It is at that time that I has this experiment, which I remember every detail since 15 years and which I’ll probably remember until my end of life. I remember me floating (the word is not very suitable, it was like being only a pair of eyes… no more bodily sensations, of no sort). The surroundings were black, no tunnel, no light, no “ghost”, nothing else than the consciousness which got rid of its superfluous thoughts. And in the middle, the operating table and the surgeons and the nurses, very busy. On waking, some few days later, I answered the policemen questions (always with full of tact… irony) and also to the doctors’ questions. I told about what I saw, describing, to the surgeon, the place where the operation took place, the number of people who were present during the operation, men and women, their own place and some another few details. He seemed to be astonished and told to me “if the accident didn’t occurred just in front of the hospital, probably, you would not be anymore with us”, then he went out of the room. It is at that time that the nurse told to me that I had a NDE. It is much later than I learned what it meant. Everything began when I was at some friends’ house and suddenly I felt a severe headache and I felt sick. I put my hands on my head, but pain was unbearable. I started falling to the floor saying “My head”, “My head”. From there on, darkness. I was in coma and they brought me to Emergency in the hospital and from there to Bergen, in helicopter. Vital signs were very weak and they did not know what to do or they were not sure about performing surgery on me. I don’t know. At last, they decided surgery. I stayed there for five days, totally unconscious, according to my husband and surgeons at the hospital. During those five days I did not wake up, said anything or even move. I was almost dead. I have asked whether during these five days in coma, anybody saw me opening my eyes or moving. Everybody agrees that I did not. The medical prognosis was that I wouldn’t survive. There were more chances for me to die then to survive, to such an extent that my husband – advised by the doctor / surgeon- called my daughter in Spain so that she could see me before dying, my situation was critical. My experience says that I did wake up and I did it four times; the first three right in the middle of a shining/blinding light. I did not see anybody, just the light. My body did not exist any longer. The light, my eyes and my mind… Nothing else. The light was hardly bearable, too intense. At the same time, I did not feel any pain nor worries at all. I felt happy of being there, but light was damaging my eyes, it was too intense. I thought I was having a nightmare, but I was not really sleeping; this is, I was in coma, but I was thinking. So, I was telling to myself: “ You are having a nightmare, Silvia, close your eyes and you will go back to sleep. When you wake up, you’ll be home”. So I closed my eyes – eyes of the mind, since the real ones were fully closed- and slept. This happened three –consecutive- times. During the fourth time, the same happened. I woke up in the light and there I notice like I was floating on the air, but I was only eyes and mind… My body did not longer exist or I was not able to see it. This time there was people at the back of the light, lots of people, coming and going, as if they were having a walk…. A deep feeling of peace came upon me, happiness, comfort….you feel in a full stadium of grace, it is a marvelous feeling. I don’t know how long did I spend in there, watching people. All of a sudden, somebody I knew, it was my husband, walking along with people, such a coincidence. He turns around and notices me, raises his hand , greets and walks towards me….and then I fall again in complete darkness ( as if I just had winkled) and AT LAST I OPEN MY EYES TO LIFE….. When I woke up, I was not aware of where I was or what happened to me. There were machines everywhere and lots of tubes/pipes connected to my body. A nurse began talking to me, but it was difficult to me to understand. And she was calling somebody to translate. She was requesting my husband, sleeping in the adjacent room of Intensive Care. I asked everybody and, according to them, I never woke up, I was in coma the whole time, I do not know to what extent.. My husband scarcely saw me, he was in the adjacent room to Therapy / Intensive Care and he says that when I came back to consciousness, he was immediately called. During my coma, I was always accompanied by nurses and doctors And according to the Neurosurgeon, the fact that I am still alive IS A MIRACLE; they though that according to the tests, I would not survive; and if I did, I would suffer terribly. After being in coma, I had weird experiences; I could see shadows passing ( I cannot say they were ghosts, I only could see shadows moving), moving. Initially, I was scared of them, but after a while I realized that I had to be faster then them and reach them with my seeing and confront them. That way they would disappear. They disappeared in fact after a while. When I explained this to my husband, he said that I had a vivid imagination. This is quite possible; quite likely when we are in coma we can dream… But I think that there is more then coincidental that most people can see the light or are in the light; I do not think that all of us have the same dream programmed in our brain. I know that there is no logical explanation to this. Now I can say this with no fear to be considered mad; he who thinks so is nothing but an ignorant of the secrets of the world and the humankind. I went through a tunnel and arrived in a garden. I walked with a very beautiful man who gave me counsel. I looked at him in his essence and did not understand how such a beautiful, good, intelligent person could be interested in me. He spoke to me, but I do not remember what he said. Perhaps his words are engraved in my soul. The curious thing is that he didn't make me feel guilty. I had attempted suicide and he spoke to me as if I had made an unimportant mistake and he counseled me to do better. As I spoke to him we walked along and soon he told me go and join with a group of people. Even though I didn't want to leave him I obeyed. I then went with these people. They were a group of young people dressed in white. I only remember that they were women, I don't remember if there were any men. Everything was in a park. There was a gentle breeze and the grass moved with the breeze. The sun was shining brightly and lit up the plants and birds that were flying around. I was seated on the grass with the women but beside me was a hole, a well, a hollow place… I don't know how to describe it. I felt very happy being with the women. We communicated without words through our spirits. It was like being joined in great peace and happiness. But my words are inadequate to describe all this because in this earth life I never experienced such a feeling. After being together in this way a force pushed me toward the hole or well. I grabbed onto the rim of the well with all my strength because something was pulling me downward. As I ran out of strength to hold myself back, I held out my hands so the women could catch me and bring me back up and not let me fall down or go into the hole. But they just waved goodbye to me. I yelled to them not to let me go (“If you are good why don't you give me your hands? I want to be with you.”) But something kept pulling me down and I kept going down the tunnel until I opened my eyes and found myself in this world. I felt cold. I did not like this reality and began screaming that I wanted to return to where I had been. NDERF does not endorse, encourage or advocate for suicide in any way, shape or form. I don't remember the accident, it was on the afternoon of a rainy day. I just a very clear memory of being unconscious. There was wide blackness above me and I was going away from it, below it, as if I was falling. I wasn't sure where I was or what was happening. I remember the physical sensation of shrinking, and talking to myself. I thought it was like being in a funnel and I was going down, by the time I was in the very tip of the funnel I was quite small. I even said, ” I am the size of a pea now. Wow, I must be dying. This is really easy, it's so easy to die. You die in the blink of an eye, you can die with out even knowing it…” Then I realized that I couldn't die but why was I dying? Then sounds and words from above the void came to me, such as “internal injuries.” When I heard that I remembered my daughter (5 years old) and niece (6 years old) were in the car with me and I couldn't die without knowing if they were ok. As I thought to force myself back up a blinding white light was below me. I had to struggle to get away from it and fight to get through the blackness. Then I got to the top, my eyes flew open and a man's face was above me. I demanded to know, “What is happening?” He said, “You have been in an auto accident and have internal injuries, we are taking you to the trauma center”. Then I started giving out cell phone numbers of my husband, brother, sister-inlaw to him. I reached over and held my daughters hand, then I passed out several more times but I never went back to the void. I got over all my injuries just fine and have only an enormous scar to show for it. At around 1:30 or 2:00 AM I left my body and floated up to the hospital ceiling. I looked back down at myself and saw how pale I looked. I hadn't realized how ill I was. Then I remember seeing a very bright light. I did not exactly walk toward the light but I was moving toward it somehow. Then I could see the nurse rush into the room and scream for the doctor's yet this was all in French and even though I didn't speak French I knew what she was saying. I began to hysterically cry begging not to be sent “back” but to go to the light. Crying and crying then all of a sudden a calmness as a voice spoke gently to me like warm honey being poured over me very warm and comforting like I had never felt since then came over me. This seemingly familiar voice held a long list of reasons of why I had to return, yet I don't remember specifically any of these reasons (they all seemed trivial to me at the time thought). I could see a male figure with a very bright light behind him so I couldn't make out exactly what he looked like. He spoke to me very lovingly and gently as if not to scare me but to reassure me that all would be alright. Yet I only wanted to stay with him. Then I remember seeing the hospital staff: several nurses and the Doctor ( I remember seeing them as if from above because I remember seeing that the Doctor had a bald spot on the top back of his head :) ). The Doctor said to me Barbara it isn't your time to go you have to come back to us. He kept calling my name and I remember turning away from the “shadowed man” in the light and looked toward the Doctor. Then, as if all in a sudden, I was again in my body and felt the pain of being “bagged” (there was pain in my chest from the resuscitation). I only wanted to go back “there” where it was so peaceful and was quite angry at being brought “back”. My throat closed up totally due to Bacterial infection of my larynx. I wish I could say I had angels and lights going on around me, but that didn't happen to me. I couldn't speak or breathe and I was thinking - God, I am ready if it is my time, but I didn't get to say goodbye to anyone or tell my husband and boys how much I love them. I was in total darkness, but it was not a scary darkness. It was comforting and like a soft glove holding me. A voice I had never heard before spoke. The voice was reassuring and sounded like velvet- no rasp in it at all- it was male. He said slowly- “they already know” - I then felt totally calm and at peace. We were on a four day vacation in cabins in a forest area in central Mexico, we went on several motorcycles to ride around a lake. I got separated from the main group and tried to catch them going around the lake in the opposite direction. I remember to be enjoying the moment at its fullest when a couple of small bumps in the grass took me by surprise and obviously I most have done something very wrong. Next thing I remember was an incredible feeling of peace that I have never felt before or since that day. And being in such complete peace It felt like it could go on forever when somehow I was questioned by an incredibly authoritative, yet gentle voice that said: If you are willing to accept pain, you will save your son a lot of trouble. I replied: How are these two facts connected? And the voice repeated very calmly but firmly the same question. If you are willing to accept pain, you will save your son a lot of trouble. I repeated: I do not see the connection. He asked once more and I said: OK, lets have the pain. In that very instant, violently I felt so much pain that I could not say what was hurting, it took me a few moments to realize where I was, I saw the broken bike a few meters away, I saw some blood on the mask of my helmet and tried to stand up. The pain began to decrease and I was able to ask for help and a peasant came by and called the rest of my group. He told me he saw me fall from the distance and that I laid for 20 minutes. I saved my story to myself and a few days later I told my wife about my “dream”. She did not give it any importance and life went on. But the fact that it stays so clear in my mind, that it was at a moment when nobody can tell me if I actually was in the boundary or not, and the similarity of feelings with other NDE'rs, and the lack of attention that I get from my close ones is a little distressing. Writing this down is both exhilarating and difficult. Only my dearest friends know of the incident because it was months before I could even speak of it. It was my doctor who actually categorized what I experienced as a near-death experience. I corrected him by saying it was a “death experience”. I know I was dead. I know that I'm only here because “my children were not yet prepared” and I was to assist them in “raising their children”. You must understand that I now “KNOW” my disabled, wheelchair bound son will have a girlfriend after he moves out of my home and the two of them will have children. The tears fall easily as I write this. It was never in my wildest dreams that my son would even have a girlfriend let alone have children. My son is disabled. He has been in a chair since the age of 8. He was born with a congenital defect on the top of his head. Actually, he was born without his “soft spot” enclosed with skin. His brain was exposed. It sounds severe and it was… But he has grown into a wonderful young man. So you can understand why I never, ever, ever thought he would become a father….. I always assumed it would be my daughter who would give me grandchildren. I went to the doctor initially because I could no longer tolerate the pain in my left arm… It was searing… My arm was numb… It was useless and I put it into a sling for months. I knew it had been hurt during the “attack” but I could not tell anyone what happened. I just told people, family/friends/coworkers etc that I must have wrenched it lifting my son. They knew that I was “no longer engaged” and that it “didn't work out”. So my moping around, my inability to focus, my constant crying was easily explained. In reality, he……..tried to kill me…. I never saw it coming… It had been a difficult year for us in that he was so distant, emotionally. He had confessed to having “had” my best friend and then two weeks later, she was pregnant. I was angry, hurt, humiliated (publicly). But I managed to wait and watch him act like an idiot as he tried to keep the peace. I decided to break it off. The baby came. It was her husband's. He decided “we” needed to focus on “us”. I did not want him anymore. My father died. Thanksgiving came and went. I spent Christmas with me and my children… He came over on the 26th.. Just came, unannounced. I didn't want to go out with him. I had made plans to go to my friends' (Marion's and Chuck's) home to play poker. He said he'd go with me. He stayed an hour or so and then left, telling me he would be back to pick me up. He called several times that evening asking when I'd be ready to leave. I didn't call him back. I didn't feel like it.. I stayed with my friends. It was nearly 1 in the morning…. The phone rang again… This time he was outside, waiting for me, waiting to take me home…. I picked up my purse and my quilting and went outside…. It was so weird…….. He was sitting in the passenger side of his car. The driver's side door was open… He said for me to drive…that he'd had too much to drink… I had never, ever driven his new cherry red, Chrysler, Concorde. No one was allowed to drive it. I didn't know where anything was… The lights, the turn signals, the defroster, nothing…but I drove it… I was almost home when he reached across me and grabbing my left hand pulling at my diamond ring… I pulled my arm back. Told him “STOP IT”. He completely twisted around and ame across me… It took everything I had to bring the car onto my street and stop it. As I put it in park he lounged completely on top of me. He right arm around my bound my body, twisting my left arm backwards behind me. He right forearm on my neck cutting of my air. I couldn't breath….. I couldn't move… His whole body was on top of me. My right shoulder was bent between the front seat and the back seat. My right elbow jammed into the space between the console and the seat. My right wrist twisted and my fingers jammed between the console and steering column. I was trying the untwist out of my position.. But my left shoulder was caught and stuck against the left door jam. I was sunken into the seat. The weight of his body was completely over me as my head was dangling past the console and tilted to the back floor. He continued to push his forearm onto my neck… My body started to shake…and shake…and shake…. I could not stop it…then I could not move… Not anything… No part of my body…. I was aware that I had urinated and that I had a bowel movement. I was drenched in my own fluids… I wasn't breathing anymore…. I didn't need to breath… I didn't need to see. I watched him…. I was no longer in my body……. I (my “self”) was watching him… He climbed off of me…. He was poking at me… He kicked me… He was trying to make my body move.. But it wouldn't.. He got out of the car. He reached back in and started to pull at my body.. He pushed it this way and then another way.. He was ordering me to “Get out of my car”, “Look what you did”…. I was watching him… I was completely engulfed…in warmth…in light….in love…in knowledge… I knew I was… I knew about things and subjects that were universal.. I “saw” my children… As infants, as adults, as parents, as grandparents… I knew I was not staying where I was… I knew I was only there to be “protected” against further injury. Separated from this evil that was being waged… I knew I was going to be back in “this” life…. I gasped for air.. My lungs filled up fast… It hurt.. My chest had been thrown into the steering wheel… He untwisted my body… Grabbed at my head.. Pulled my hair towards the driver's side door. It was open and he was reaching into the car to carry me out. My right hand was caught by the gear shift on the console. My legs were crossed and hung up under the seat… He grabbed at them.. Pulled at them.. He pushed me back against the seat.. He pulled my left arm from behind my back/turning my shoulder and pulling at my elbow. My body was freed from the constraints of the seat. He folded my in half.. And pulled me head first out of the car, like a rag doll, but so very heavy…. He couldn't figure out why my body was soooooo heavy…. He pulled me forward but as I came out the door I started to slump down… He pushed against me… Righting me and balancing me against the back door of the car.. He let me go. I tumbled to the ground… He bent over.. I was filled with ANGER… I welled up and screamed “YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AND THEN YOU EXPECT ME TO LOVE YOU???” He bolted upright and then kicked me… He turned…fumbled into the car..searching for something… He found the ring… Tucked in the crevis of the seat.. He pulled it out.. Wiped down the seat with a rag or something… He climbed into the car and drove off…. I pulled myself up/crawled up my steps onto my back deck and then into my house… I knew he wouldn't be back…. Admitted to the ER with chest pain. Treated with clot busting medicine for blockage in vessel feeding the bottom of my heart determined by EKG. After 90 minutes I said to MD “boy, do I feel dizzy!” I immediately blacked out, and I felt like I sank through the bottom of the stretcher into water. I had the feeling I was flailing my arms to swim back to the surface. I was panicking, fighting for my life( while arguing with myself to let go). Suddenly I am standing 20 feet away from the stretcher watching the MD perform CPR on my body. During his time I was very calm, and noticed I was only a consciousness, no body, no pain, no problems, no worries. It was great! As I watched the MD perform compressions on my chest I thought I don't feel anything, this guy can't control whether I live or die. I thought only I can control whether live or die. As soon as I had this thought I was back in my body, and awake. I am a large man. The doctor was kneeling on the edge of the stretcher in order to perform chest compressions. When I related my experience to my wife she said I couldn't know that as I was unconscious the whole time. She was present the whole time in the ER. I mentioned the MD looked very scared, and was staring at something above my head while giving me CPR. My wife (a nurse RN) said he watching the monitor. When I first left my body, the first time is vivid, I see myself leaving and did not care. There was a void for just a little bit then I could see myself going toward heaven. It surprised that I could see myself going there. I was as if walking but my legs were not moving, I was floating. I was wearing a white gown but when reached where I was going, I come upon at least 8 people sitting in chairs in half horseshoe shape. The person in the middle had a chair that was taller than the others. They told me it was not my time and had to go back. I did not want to go back. Mother stated that they sent me back to help others who were unsure if they wanted to be a Christian or not. I was a miracle child. I remember coming back, not the journey, but hovering over the bed, saw mother crying, went and laid down on my body. Those present started screaming, “She's alive.” It all happened in what seemed minutes. I told momma, “You owe me a nickel, I closed the door.” Before I got back in my body I was trying to speak to them, “Why are you crying, can't you hear me, I'm not gone. The second time was when the family was called and told I had passed. When they were taking me to the morgue and the sheet was pulled over me, I could see the nurse on one side and father on the other side. When I reached my hand up dad said “She's still alive” and the nurse, Ms. Brooms, got help. The family had already been called that I had died then were called back that I was alive. There was prayer going on by all the church family. They said it happened 3 times that I died, however, I have vivid memory of going to heaven only one time. There's more I'd like to say, but right now I feel brain tired. If anyone feels they identify what I've been through, let me know. I have the need to share with others who have been there also. It was about 8:30 pm I had just put all my children to sleep and got of the internet with my husband who was in iraq at the time, he was getting ready to come home on emergency leave due to my illness. I had said my good byes and told him that I wasn't feeling good. He then told me to get some rest. About five minutes after I left my computer, I felt dizzy and started getting light headed so I went to the restroom and started a hot bath. That is what I usually did when I felt that way, I had had several surgeries that year and had many infections. So the feeling wasn't new to me. I got into the bath tub and started splashing my face with water. When I took my hand away from my face, all I saw were people I pushed my way through the people and grabbed the phone, that was in my room, I must have only pushed redial) I couldn't see the floor or my room only many people, I remember thinking that I didn't want to die yet. I kept on saying no no I cant go now. I haven't seen my mom yet. When my mom and step dad showed up I don't remember going down the stairs or how my mom seen me when she got here. I came to, I guess, when I saw my step dad and I remember them both carrying me to the car. On the way to the hospital I remember going in and out and my mom saying, “tiya tiya.” I also remember the two ladies that were in my house, whom I didn't know. But, when the people showed up (in my house), I felt like I knew some of them but, most of them I didn't know. Two of the ladies were in my moms car, they didn't say a word just looked at me when I looked at them, I was scared when I saw them in the house but, I remember that in the car I wasn't scared I felt comfort. When we got to the er, and the nurse took my blood pressure, she rushed me back to the er room and called the dr, there were nurses and doctors everywhere. They started to ask me questions, I remember answering but, not being heard no one could hear me and I was screaming the answers!! I remember getting every mad because no one could hear me. I remember hearing the doctor saying I don't think she is here and I remember saying im here im here!! As they cut my cloths of and I really remember one nurse, saying, “doctor she's going into cardiac arrest!” right when she said that I seen my lifeless body laying on the er bed and my mom in a chair crying in shock. Behind me became bright and I saw a hand. I turned around and looked at my self and didn't turn back around, that hand touched my shoulder, when I saw, what was going on in the er and saw myself, I panicked and started pleading to god, to whom ever that touched me, to let me go back please let me come back, I have children and a husband that need me! No, not now god please not now, my husband is on his way home, he knows im sick and he's coming home from iraq, please not now. Even though I felt peace, comfort, and complete love behind me and around me, I didn't want to go, and then, the next thing I saw was the room become bright and the light behind me was even brighter, I remember turning around crying and I asked, one more time, please, lord not now, and the next thing I knew, i was inside my body again, and I looked up and saw the defibrillator above, I opened my mouth and said are you the plummer, that's going to fix the pipes in my basement?? Im glad you showed up let me show you the problem!! The doctors and nurses looked at me, like I was crazy, like when you look at someone in disbelief? The doctor put down the defibrillators and shined the light into my eyes and checked me out for about five min. I turned to my mom and said I love you. And started to cry. The doctor walked out and after about 15-20 mins of sitting there, the nurse came back in and said that the doctor would not be returning because he was shaken up about what just happened and she handed me my discharge papers and said the lord must have been with you because we all thought you were a gonner! I looked at the discharge paper and the doctor had put down severe unexplained weakness. Leaving the er room I was still dizzy and unbalanced my mother and I drove home, I remember my mom asking me why was I looking towards the back seat so much and I said nothing but, I was looking for those two ladies. I got back home and looked in, on each of my children and kissed each one. My husband got back from iraq three days later and I had another surgery two days after that to take out the damaged infected tissue in my stomach and spine. Another two weeks after my surgery my husband had to return to iraq. My children and I waited another five months for my husband to come home. Since my nde, my life has changed so much I take nothing for granted. It took me right until my husband was going to leave for iraq, to finally tell him about what happened to me. I don't speak about this to many only the ones im close to because, of the fear of them looking at me as a crazy person. But, the people that I have told never have looked at me in that manner and always want to know more, like my story will get longer?? Or change?? Every time I use to hear stories like this, I use to say okay?? Yah, right?? But, now I consider myself lucky, to know what it feels like, and I know when it is finally my time to go, I wont be scared. I had been coughing a lot and been sick… my mother took me to the doctor who sent me to the hospital. My doctor was Hans Lehman and I was in Ballard Hospital. I had pneumonia and trouble breathing. After I had been in the hospital for at least a week and was not getting better, I had surgery to have mucus removed… my mother says it was a blockage between my bronchial tubes and my lungs. I was taken into surgery and a mask was put over my face and ether was dropped on the mask. I was told to breathe it in. The next thing I knew, the nurse was saying frantically “Breathe out, Honey” over and over. I could see the doctors and nurses because I was looking down on them and myself. At this point things started to happen very fast and I was drawn through a tunnel toward a bright light. There were other lights along the tunnel that were people. I was very excited because when I got to the end of the tunnel I would know everything!! I was moving very fast!! I never did make it to the end of the tunnel. I think I saw some things about my family's move to Anacortes that would take place in a year and I also saw a woman who might be me grown up. I woke up in the hospital bed the doctor had pulled one of my teeth because it had been loose and I had money from the tooth fairy. I started to get better and eventually went home. No one ever mentioned that I had stopped breathing during the surgery. I had a routine outpatient surgery on my kidney which accidentally ruptured my spleen. Fifteen hours later I was taken to the emergency room by my husband. An inept staff left me waiting in the lobby for more than half an hour during which time I lost consciousness. I have no memory of being taken from the lobby to the ER, of being undressed, or of being placed on a gurney. I do remember looking down at myself on the gurney, wearing a hospital gown, surrounded by a doctor in green scrubs, a dark-haired nurse in blue on my left and two other people, one partially bald, on my right side. My husband was not present. Everyone was busily working to hook me to oxygen and fluids. My vantage point seems to have been the ceiling as I was looking at the tops of everyone's heads. Suddenly, I was in my body again, talking to the doctor. I was not frightened at all, but I do remember thinking that God was watching over me, sending this wonderful team of doctors and nurses to save my life. I received four pints of blood and was in critical condition for four days. Today, three weeks afterward, I am at home, recovering slowly. I am sure I was near death that day and have been intensely aware of God's presence ever since. Saw a light and experienced a warm blanketing feeling around me. Felt really at peace but was looking behind me for my husband and baby. I was really concerned for them. There were the presence of people saying to me that my time wasn't up. The presence of God was there reassuring me. He/she/it had commanded for my attention and it was like they had pulled my attention towards them. Once I had become focused on this higher being a voice had said to me:- “Muriel don't worry, Buck and Roy will be fine, I just need you to listen to me and understand what I am saying to you.” I replied Okay. The being (God) said to me “don't worry, no matter what happens you will be alright.” I thought that this was a strange thing to say to me but intuitively knew that everything was okay and became focused back onto Buck and my baby. Before I knew it I was coming out of the anesthetic. I did not have the “tunnel experience” many others have had. I was hovering over my family. I knew I was dead and felt guilty that my wife and children were crying over me while I was feeling so good. I wanted them to be dead with me and tried to let them know I was fine. As far as my body was concerned, it was like an old shoe to be discarded. I did see a light in the distance. I was like in the movie Pat Boone was in “Journey to the center of the Earth” where at the end they got into a huge stone dish and the lava shot them out of the volcano. When I started to come back to consciousness it was as if I were way back in my eyeball and I was being drawn up to the light which as it got bigger was the ceiling of the emergency room. After a few questions by whoever was working on me I started to sink back into the “hole” in my eyeball. The next thing you know I am back out of my body watching them work on me. Then I do not remember anything until I come to in the Intensive Care Unit. I am like a new born baby on my stomach and can hardly hold my head up. A good looking black nurse is spreading something that looks like Vaseline all over my burns. When she sees me, she says “Well, Hello Ben Franklin!” Since my birthday is January 1940, I can determine my age by subtracting 40 from the year. She thought I was putting her on when I asked her what year it was. When she told me 1966 I knew I had told the people in the Emergency room the wrong age since I said I was 24. I also had to ask her for the date because I had no idea what season it was. I was also given up for dead at birth. My aunt was in the delivery room. Because my mother have so much trouble having my brother, she was not supposed to have anymore children. So by accident, I came alone 4 years later. The doctors tried there best to talk my mother into having an abortion. Her faith said it was God's will and that she would have me. She had a condition where her skin did not stretch properly. She had to lay on her back in a motel by the hospital the last six weeks of her pregnancy. Knowing there may be delivery problems three doctors and an Intern were there for the delivery. They did not know it was impossible for my mother to give birth naturally since her pelvic bones were solid like a mans. When the doctors finally decided to go caesarian, while making the first incision, my mothers stomach completely ripped open. She was hemorrhaging blood and my aunt said I was like a greased pig. The doctors had trouble getting me out. When I was finally out, I would not respond. I was laid aside. The doctors decided to concentrate on saving my mother. Fortunately for me six hands was all that could work on my mother, So the Intern came around the table and picked me up and started to give me mouth to mouth. I owe my life to Dr. Hershfeld. Seven days after my electrical accident, another man in Tyler, Texas was electrocuted and killed by the same high voltage power lines. His wife's feet had to be amputated due to the burns she received trying to pull him loose of the wires In 1958 while 18 I had a serious farm accident to this day I do not know how I came out of it with only a slight cut on my knee and some bruises. I fell off a tractor and was pinned by the tractor's tire while pulling a one-way. Seven days later a neighbor was killed the same way. I believe god has missions for people. I also believe we who have had near death experiences are messengers from God to let people know not to fear death and to conduct their life as if they were to die the next day. i.e. live a good life so that you know you will go the right way. My first one was in 1965, diagnosed with terminal cervical cancer. I was in a coma for 10 days, and I was out of body seeing how all the nurses and doctors were saying “we have lost her now.” I did not recognize the body, as I only weighed 65 pounds at the time, and it was ugly to me. Next, I was wandering the hospital and next thing I knew, I was in a long tunnel and all my relations who had passed before were standing, smiling as I passed them. I could only discern one motivation and that was to reach the awesome LIGHT at the end of the tunnel, meantime I was shown all my life experiences, and I WAS the person whom I had hurt or helped so that I felt what they felt when I had erroneously against or helped them. A voice told me 'you have been judged in that being the other person I judged myself… Hard to explain, seems easiest for me to call it karma. When I reached the LIGHT, it was so bright, like nothing on Earth, pure white LIGHT, and such a feeling of unconditional love and warmth. Any questions I had ever had were answered by the LIGHT. It seems like I was there for a long time, just absorbing all the answers. Next thing I knew a voice came from the LIGHT and told me it was not my time to stay there. I BEGGED as hard as I could, but I was slammed back into my body in reverse, and I cursed all the doctors and nurses. Did not speak of this to anyone as my family was/is fundie Pentecostal. I had a heart attack in 1993, and the situation was the same but for ONE big difference. I was married at this time and I was shown my husband crying for me not to die, thus I was offered a decision to stay or to return to him. I chose life this time. In 2000, I lived alone and became very ill with what I know now was e-coli and was not taken to the hospital. I was so ill, I was vomiting, could not stand. I screamed to the Universe to let me die or make me well. I was taken out of body through the tunnel, but this time, I was able to visit other planes of existence. There were 7 I was allowed to view, including one very strange plane where I could look inside a giant morass where souls were being tortured sexually, etc in all types of vile forms. They “thought” they were trapped when all they had to do was to look up and there was a path to the LIGHT. Not seeking seemed to be their doom? I screamed at them, but it seems they could not hear. I was taken to special entities who looked like the usual grays, but they had lots of wrinkles on their faces. They called themselves the Counsel, and said they were part of a group called “soul recyclers” helping souls to re-incarnate. This was by far my most profound nde, as I see the silver cord that attached me to my body. This experience lasted for over 20 minutes as best I could remember. I was dead, this was NOT an obe, as I know how those feel. There is such a profound structure to the Universe that cannot be described. I look upon it as Cayce did the Akashic records, but in my view, it is a giant gigabyte mainframe that can do trillions of bytes per second. It is like a well run machine that is totally fair and well ordered. The Universe is the opposite of Chaos. There is much more I saw on the different planes, but some of it I will not speak of just yet. At that time, I had never heard of a near-death experience and had no idea what it was that had happened to me. During the experience itself, I felt as if I was being propelled feet first down a long tunnel at warp speed. There was a distinct sensation of the extreme speed of it all. I was hurtling toward the light, but simultaneously feeling as if a strong evil force was also pulling me back the other way, pulling, pulling, pulling me back. I was conflicted. I wanted to go forward, but I also felt the strong pull to come back. As you see, I did come back. During the experience, there was also an intense whooshing and vibrating sensation. The best analogy I can use to describe it is this: If you've ever ridden on a ferry boat, when sitting in your vehicle, while the ferry boat is idling or traveling across the water, there is a vibration from the engines and a whooshing sort of sound, a pulsating that emanates from the engines and reverberates in the structure of the ferry boat, and the experience I had included an intense vibrating/whooshing/pulsating sound simultaneously somewhat similar to that. However, following that experience I never felt the same again. I had a strong sense that I was a totally different person on the inside, that only my outside appearance was the same, but it was as if I was a different person inhabiting the same body. No one on the outside knew. Only me. Subsequent to the experience, I became a dare-devil. I would do anything – virtually anything -fearlessly. I certainly had no fear of death after that experience. Now that I am much older, I am no longer engaging in all of those risk-taking activities, but I still feel that I was forever changed on the inside by having had that experience. Even though I had not discussed it with anyone, never mentioned so much as a word about it to anyone, about three years after it had happened, my sister happened to mention the topic of “near-death experiences” to me, as she had just read a book about it. That was the first I knew that anyone else had ever had a similar experience, much less a name for it. It was only after that, that I then read about it myself and came to the point where I was eventually able to tell others – only certain people – about the experience I had gone through. During the afternoon of 5-17-01 while working from atop of a 8ft. ladder I lost my balance when the ladder I was working on moved. Unfortunately I fell backward thru a t-bar ceiling head first landing on concrete. As I tried to embrace for the impact that I had surmised was sure to come in that short space of time I could hear the bones in my neck popping upon impact. At almost the same time my mind and body seemed to separate momentarily. The “journey” though short lived can only be describes as beautiful. There is a show called Sliders on the Sci_Fi channel where the characters step into a tunnel of light and travel from world to world. The visual effects used too create that tunnel closely resemble what I experienced except in my case the tunnel was black and white and seemed to travel at high speed with me and around me all at once. I got the impression that we are all part of a much bigger picture that God (Allah) has in store for us all. One of the opening verses in the Qu'ran first chapter states that God (Allah) is Lord of all the worlds. During my journey I did not feel as though I was alone nor was I scared and believe it or not I did not care about my body or how it was doing. I was conscious during this ride and remember looking both left to right and foreword, up and down all while moving thru this conduit back to the source of my life. I did not feel as though I had come to the end of my journey but had been given a chance to see what else is in store from God (Allah) the ALL IN ALL. A co-worker had apparently grabbed me after I had fallen and hit my head a few times. Others describe my body hitting the concrete as a bouncing basketball. I can vividly remember this coworker shaking me on my return because the first senses to reconnect after my conscious was my sight and hearing in that order. I was really upset with the guy who grabbed me. And I'm sure it was because I had been disconnected only to be reconnected to this body, space, and time. I knew my accident was bad because my co-worker was pulling on me as I regained consciousness in this reality I could see what he was doing and how my body was twisted like a pretzel. Then my hearing returned in increments. I listened to the show Dr. Long had recently on Near Death Experiences on Art Bells show. I never thought about it much but after listening to your show I wanted to share something with you that just seemed to suddenly click and make sense now that it might have been an NDE. I was a mercenary in my youth and had been shot in the lower left Jaw during a “Situation.” I was not immobilized as it was a small caliber and after about three days when the swelling in my face went down enough my asked my fellow soldier to try to take the bullet out, as I was worried about lead poisoning as well as other infection. You have to understand that we were not in the situation where medical help was close or even an option. Well, in order to take this thing out I had him choke me out from behind with his bicep and forearm. He wanted to put me out long enough to get the task done so he held me down until I passed out and then held on for about another half a minute. This cut the supply to and from my brain off as he used his arm to constrict the flow via the corroded arteries. We had practiced this in training and we used it as a last resort for such field surgeries and amputations. I guess technically my brain had stopped as your guess mentioned after 10 seconds of no blood to the brain it stopped making waves. Well when I was out I had a real strange experience. I had for the lack of a better term a slide show. maybe it was a movie but slide show seems to better describe it as it was just one image after another in a very very rapid succession. I can not remember exactly what the images were but it both interesting and in viewing these flashes I knew I had seen these before. I would say my life was flashing before me but it seemed almost to much to take in at the time. I felt comfortable though… well, until the blood began to flow back in my brain. I woke to the echo of a scraping sound which was my partner Rusty scraping the cartilage or what ever it was that had formed around the bullet. I woke up and he had still not even gotten the bullet out. He said I was out for nearly a minute. I asked him to stop as the pain was rather acute and then took some deep breaths and asked him to put me out again and this time get the dammed bullet out. The same thing happened to me again. This time when I awoke he had some forceps on the round and was tugging at it. It had cracked my jaw a little but had become lodged just forward of the part of the jaw that is rearmost and begins to curve upward toward the ear. Rusty asked if I wanted to be put out again and I said no I think I was getting brain damaged from the lack of Oxygen. He continued to tug and cut a little and then finally yanked out the round. Afterward I found that he could not go through the entrance of the round but had to make a new incision under the jaw. Well afterward I rested a bit and the next day we were back at it hot and heavy as we had not completed the mission. Once I got back I got checked and the wound had not gotten infected and there was little to do but I never mentioned the “Slide Show” I saw. It was not until I heard the show that I thought of what it might be. Now realize I was not physically dead but I was brain dead for the most part as no oxygen was going to the brain for a bit. I wonder if that would be an NDE under a somewhat controlled condition as the brain was oxygen deprived. Well when it was all said and done I never thought of it much as an kind of religious experience as I continued to wage war on my fellowman for another five years or so before I figured out I might want to step back and try something else in life. Just a twist on the NDE experience. But I do know that after this. Whenever I encountered any thing dying I would make a point of getting right down next to the body, man or beast and wait for the last breath and then stare hard to see if I could see the soul leaving the body. I never did but I often wondered if that had something to do with that one time or if maybe I was just having PTSD over all the situations I had been in. I saw my self lying on the bed face down but yet I was viewing it from above as if I were floating above my body then I was taken through the roof and up into a dark space where there were many tiny colored lights and I was traveling past them. I had the feeling that these lights were very familiar to me but there was a single very bright light in the far distance that I was being pulled toward at great speed. I wanted to go toward that very intense light and then as if there was a rope tied around my waist I was reeled backwards again passing all the same little familiar lights and found myself in the body bag experiencing great pain as I was stiff from being dead for such a long time and it was extremely difficult to move any part of my body as the pain was extreme. I did however regain my life and functions and managed to roll myself off of some kind of table and when I hit the floor many came to see what had happened and then they opened the bag and I was very much alive and well after being there for 29 minutes! My life had not been the same since! There is a blank spot, after I hit my chin on the marble counter. Everything was black, but I could hear every word of the 3-5 people in the area. I wondered why I couldn't see, then realized my eyes were shut. I opened my eyes and looked down from the ceiling at a scene of mayhem. Someone was lying on the floor-I couldn't see whom-and 3 people, 2 females, 1 male, were on their knees around the person. A nurse ran up with a push cart. Some one was calling out blood pressure numbers; the last set I heard was “35 over 15”. I got bored; it looked like a TV show. I turned around (on a horizontal axis, and that was when I realized I was “floating”, because I wanted to go forward and turn left down a hallway, where they had told me my room was. I tried “swimming”. That didn't work, but just thinking I wanted be someplace got me there. Not instantaneously. I just moved through the air without effort. The hallway was short. There were only 3 doorways; 2 on the right side, 1 on the left. Straight ahead was lead paned, partial stain glass window that looked down on a courtyard with a fountain and pond. After looking in my room, I looked out the window on the fountain and pond in the bright sun light, thinking my daughter would like to sit by it with me and talk; I didn't have a daughter at that time. I had no children. I also though it should be better taken care of and cleaned up, and that I would donate some money to do that. That was when it went black again, and I felt like someone jerking me backward. I got angry. I was very angry when I opened my eyes and discovered I was on the floor. It felt very cold and hard. The attendant who took me to my room, asked me where I went. This was out of the blue, because I hadn't said anything. I was too angry. I told him, and told him about the window and courtyard. He said, “So, you've been in this hospital before.” I said “No. I haven't been in a hospital since I was born.” He said, “They bricked over that window in the 40's, during the war; it let too much light out at night.” I didn't know if my experience qualified, but I read a testimony on this site that had similar parameters, so here goes! I was 7 years old and had contracted Scarlet Fever. It was late at night and I was in bed. I do not remember waking. I just remember lying in bed looking through my open bedroom door into the hallway. I was not aware of my body and as I look back on the experience, it felt as if I was lying right on top of my body sort of hovering there right above it. Standing in the doorway at the foot of my bed was someone wearing a long, shiny, metallic looking robe. The robe went all the way to the floor covering her feet. I could not see the face because it was so bright. It radiated a very bright light but did not hurt my eyes. The light itself was love. (that's the best way I can describe it) I could not see any facial features because of the brightness of the light, but I felt it was a woman and I knew she was smiling. I could see her long, flowing hair that seemed to merge with her gown and go to the floor with it. Her body was translucent and I could see through her. I felt no fear. I didn't seem to feel anything unusual at all. It all seemed very normal to me at the time. I felt very calm. She was communicating to me through what I can best describe as mental telepathy. I just lay there as she radiated warmth and love to me. It wasn't so much of a two way communication as it was me calmly receiving what she was sending to me. The best way to describe it nowadays would be to liken it to downloading data on a computer from the internet. I didn't seem to fully understand what she was telling me. But, I enjoyed the loving feeling she was giving me. I seem to be decoding and understanding what she told me more as time goes by. I will try to put into words what she told me. She told me that I was very special. She told me that I had a very important task to fulfill in this life. She said I would go through some hard and difficult lessons but that I would come out OK. She said I would touch a lot of people's lives. It didn't come in words like that or in separate feelings. It seems difficult even now for my brain to comprehend it. Then, I heard my mother coming up the stairs. I then heard her walking down the hall to my room. She came into view and walked THROUGH the woman in my doorway as if she weren't there. She bent down to touch me. I then became painfully aware of my body. I was in horrific pain. I realized that I was back in my body and was very ill. My mother took my temperature and immediately put me in a cold bath to bring down my temperature. The next morning, when I asked my mother about it, she said that she bolted awake with the strong feeling to check on me. When she came in the room, she said my eyes were closed. My fever was extremely high and rushed me into a cold bath to bring the fever down. Saw the car coming, put my hand out and screamed NO. Then there was nothing. Nothing… a void of .. nothing. Then… There was light, and a white being that said, “You were in an accident.” I remember thinking, 'Is this an angel?' And I felt knew that Angel wasn't the word for this being. The being was kind and loving. I felt no fear, and I understood that my life was over. At first I felt such overwhelming sadness and compassion. But then, there was such love and understanding, my life being over was ok, and felt detached from life. Then, there were others there, although I didn't recognize them as people I'd known in life, they were more like family who were waiting for me, I knew who they were and there was such joy, happiness, compassion. There was such beauty, beautiful beyond expression. There was also a bright city or something like a city in the distance. The colors and structures of everything was beautiful.. awesome. I asked questions about life, and there were answers.. but there wasn't really any speaking, it was more of an understanding between us. Such understanding of life, God.. all that is. I remember It was like I was being re-introduced .. or awakening after a hard sleep. I thought questions and the understanding would come. This is hard to explain, I guess the best way to even express this is to make an analogy… It's like when you travel, you are staying in a motel, a strange bed, strange room and then you wake up in the middle of the night and don't know where you are.. it takes you a few minutes to realize and remember where you are. That is the feeling I felt on the other side. I was remembering and it felt so good to be there and to understand, to know .. it was home, where I really lived. And then, I saw/felt my whole life. And I felt pleasant, at peace, good about my life. Felt compassion, love, understanding, for myself and for all the people and things in my life experience- I saw all of it and felt all of the emotions everything and everyone everything around me. I felt an understanding about life, what it was, is. As if it was a dream in itself. It's so very hard to explain this part. I'll try, but my words limit the fullness of it. I don't have the words here, but I understood that it really didn't matter what happened in the life experience, I knew/understood that it was intense, brief, but when we were in it, it seemed like forever. I understood that whatever happened in life, I was really ok, and so were the others here. I remember understanding the others here.. as if the others here were a part of me too. As if all of it was just a vast expression of me. But it wasn't just me, it was .. gosh this is so hard to explain.. it was as if we were all the same. As if consciousness were like a huge being. The easiest way to explain it would be like all things are all different parts of the same body.. so to speak. There was profound love, profound overwhelming love and compassion. Then I remembered my children. It is as if I turned one last time to look at my life. I thought of my three children. I have twin sons, and I saw their life, saw their future. I felt all was good and pleasant, they were going to enjoy their lives. They were going to have a good life. I Felt such love and compassion. I have a daughter and I saw her life. I saw that she would need someone in her life. Awful hings were going to happen to her. And I felt fear for her and guilt for not being there for her. She would need me. I understood, knew.. that regardless what happened in the life experience, we were all ok.. it was all temporary. I also understood that I was still attached to the life experience. With this attachment to the life experience, I understood I was not finished with the life experience. Then there were two beautiful Men and we were traveling, I saw the beauty of the Earth, stunning beauty, saw the universe.. the universe infinite.. I felt at total peace. Then I remember feeling horrible pain and everything was thick…thick… don't know how to explain this, except I was back in this life in the emergency room. I couldn't remember my name, didn't know where I was. I had an abortion from someone who was supposed to be a “nurse”. In fact, 2 other women had died as a result of her supposed abortions. I felt terribly terribly ill. I was in a tremendous amount of pain. Pain everywhere in my body. My partner carried me to the car, and I lay down in the back seat. He started for the hospital. There was a thunderstorm, we stopped at a RR crossing and it was then: I felt myself lifting out of my body. I did not see my body below me or anything. The pain subsided and at the same time, I KNEW I was dying. I felt my being, my SELF, being absorbed into what I was later to describe as the arms of God. I experienced the most powerful, profound love and peace. Every hurt, pain, regret, all the negative things of my life were erased, wiped away. They no longer mattered. The only thing I felt was this unbelievable peace and love. The love was so vast, so much greater than anything I had ever experienced here on earth. I have never feared death since. I felt I had been given the greatest gift I could ever receive. The doctors said later that I was so far out there, they didn't think they had a prayer of bringing me back. During my last NDE, I was suffocating to death after surgery to my thyroid. My husband was informed that I was dying and nothing else could be done. I knew I was dying because I had an out of body experience and a deep feeling of peace while the Dr.s were working on me. I felt like “no, this can't be happening , I have young children”. After, I was put into surgery and an airway was opened. This was different from my actual clinical death experience which happened so fast that I was in one world and instantly in another. Like dreaming. I experienced love and ecstasy which I have never had the intensity of in this lifetime. Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes, Cannot describe the depth of emotion I experienced in the one experience I had at age 33. Too wonderful for words. The peace I felt in the last one I had was extraordinary. At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Yes At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? During the last time, it was when I was looking down at the Drs working on me while I was drifting off into a wonderful field of flowers. How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness? Normal consciousness and alertness Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)? Yes more intense Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)? No Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? What emotions did you feel during the experience? Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Did you see a light? Yes intense love and peace. Ecstasy. No No Did you meet or see any other beings? Yes In my clinical death experience, I was with another being which gave me a feeling of love which reached ecstasy. I did not recognize the being. Did you experience a review of past events in your life? No Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? No Did you see or visit any beautiful or otherwise distinctive locations, levels or dimensions? Yes can't really describe, but it was beautiful Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience? Yes I am often psychic Have you shared this experience with others? seem interested, but that is all Yes Uncertain about the time, most people Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No I was 3 yrs. old at the first. I had never thought much about it before the second. After, I knew I had had one. It was clear. Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you? Yes, I felt totally loved. How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was definitely real There was no doubt that it was real How do you currently view the reality of your experience: Experience was definitely real It was too real and intense to be explained away. No one could convince me otherwise Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience? more loving Yes I am Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes I can't tolerate punitive controlling religious practices Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? Yes Under hypnosis, I was with the same being I was with during the 2nd NDE I had, it feels like he is a “he” and I felt the same wonder love and ecstasy with him again. It was not planned to have this type of experience with this hypnosis, it just happened. Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes partially so On January 22, 1998 I suffered a major heart attack while sawing limbs off a large oak tree. I called my wife and said, “I'm ill.” I did not call 911, because I was in a remote location and they might not have arrived in time. My wife came to get me 15 minutes after my call and drove me to Kaiser Hospital in Santa Rosa, CA. In the following hours I was declared, “Code Blue” three times. I was a volunteer at Kaiser at the time, and knew most of the staff who cared for me. They were very fearful that I would not recover. The medical staff waited several days until I was stable enough to undergo surgery for a quadruple bypass several days later. I do not know when the NDE occurred on January 22, because I was in and out of consciousness, and heavily medicated, but it was some time during the afternoon. I experienced total blackness, total peace and total calm. The experience was quite beyond description, I can merely relate what happened. It absolutely removed my fear of death, and that absence of fear lasts to this day. Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes, The experience was quite beyond description. I experienced total blackness that was not at all frightening, total peace and total calm, but those words do not even begin to describe what happened. They are merely the best words I can find to relate what happened. At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? Yes I was in the middle of a heart attack, but did not know what was the matter, I just knew I was desperately ill. At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? I don't know the times because I was in the Emergency Room and in CICU for several days. Late in the afternoon I was transported by ambulance to The Memorial Hospital in Santa Rosa. By that time I was conscious, and remember that the NDE had already occurred, so it was sometime during the afternoon as I drifted in and out of consciousness. How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal every day consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal If your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience was different from your normal every day consciousness and alertness, please explain: The experience was indelible and I remember it vividly. I remember that I was very alert some of the time that afternoon. I remember some of the staff talking to me as I answered their questions, eg, “What is your pain level on a scale of 1 - 10.” My response was, “Fifteen!” I remember the doctor saying, “Give him more morphine,” but I cannot relate the time of the NDE more specifically than that. I also remember waking one time and counting the number of needles and catheter type devices in my arm. I think that was before the NDE, but I cannot be certain. Did your vision differ in any way from your normal, everyday vision (in any aspect, such as clarity, field of vision, colors, brightness, depth perception degree of solidness/transparency of objects, etc.)? Yes But, how can I describe “blackness”? I couldn't “see it”, but I was intensely aware of what was happening to me. Did your hearing differ in any way from your normal, everyday hearing (in any aspect, such as clarity, ability to recognize source of sound, pitch, loudness, etc.)? No Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? What emotions did you feel during the experience? the least bit afraid or anxious. Uncertain Total peace, total calm. I was not in Did you pass into or through a tunnel or enclosure? Yes I could not describe the details, but I was aware that where I was did not seem to be a vast expanse. Did you have any sense of altered space or time? Uncertain Yes, in the sense that it was not my normal state of being, but I do not recall any location of space or time. Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Uncertain Yes, in the sense that I have never experienced anything remotely like it before. However, I came to know that I should, from then on, be totally unafraid of death. That feeling continues with me to this day, and I am confident it will remain with me forever. Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Uncertain I do not recall crossing a boundary, but I was very aware that this was a spiritual experience as opposed to some psychological or physical phenomenon. Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience you did not have prior to the experience? Uncertain The whole experience was a gift! However, I did not and do not recall any specific psychic gifts as a result. Have you shared this experience with others? Yes I told my wife and my three adult children what had happened when they first visited me. I think they were interested, but I do not recall their response other than to be aware that I would not fabricate such an experience. I am sure they believed me. I well remember telling them I could not explain what had happened, but only tell them it had occurred. Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? Yes As a Baptist Pastor I have talked to people who have experienced NDEs. My specialty in the pastorate was working with people who were dying. I studied death and dying for a year at the University Medical Center in San Francisco, CA. in 1972. At the time I read everything in print in connection with the subject. Following 1972 there was an explosion of literature on the subject such that I could not keep up. I have written several papers on death and dying, but have never written anything about my NDE. I have never doubted that such an event was, and is possible. My experience was not affected in any way other than to say I have always been open to NDEs. Were there one or several parts of the experience especially meaningful or significant to you? Yes, I experienced a conversion when I was nineteen, but the experience of total blackness, calm and peace of the NDE were unlike anything I have ever had before or since. How did you view the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened: Experience was definitely real It was a certainty of life after death, and the realization that I need never fear death again. I decided that the NDE was a revelation that there was life beyond the grave. I immediately recognized the validity of what had happened to me and that this was no freak event, but MY Truth. How do you currently view the reality of your experience: Experience was definitely real I live in a forest. I am a very early riser. I often go out well before dawn in the morning, and as I look up at the non light polluted sky I say to, Whomsoever, “This is a great day to live, and a great day to die.” Many times I have stood still looking up at the sky and said, “I am perfectly willing and ready to die now, or at any time in the future. There is a sense in which I cannot wait to die, because I am utterly convinced that my search for meaning, my belief and worship of the Divine, will be enhanced greatly when I die. Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes I have worked with many, many people who were dying. I have been able to convey a sense of assurance to them that they do not need to fear what they are going through, because they will be safe after they pass away. In addition to counseling the dying I have also worked as a volunteer for Hospice, and in working with dying patients in hospitals I have been very willing to discuss their fears, and do my best to reassure them of their safety. Though not sharing my particular spiritual beliefs, I know that my wife recognizes the validity of my experience, and I believe it has convinced her of her immortality. Perhaps this is also true with my children, but I have not discussed it with them lately. Have your religious beliefs/practices changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes I have been on a spiritual quest most of my adult life. I left the ministry, since I felt that my experience as a Pastor did not answer my deepest questions and I needed to continue my search outside of Christianity. I am not “religious,” but I am a deeply spiritual person, and have been throughout my adult life. I believe that my understanding is deeper than ever it was as a practicing “Christian” in the understood sense of that word. Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? It was totally real, life changing, and wonderful. It was, as I view it, a gift of The Divine, to me. Life is good, and so is death. Did the questions asked and information you provided so far accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes I have never participated in a survey such as this. I found this as a result of going to the website after reading the article in the Spokane Review ewspaper this morning, October, 26, 2004. After reading the article I decided to try and contact Dr. Jeffrey Long, quoted in the article, to try and relate my experience. I would like to meet and/or correspond with others who have had similar experiences. I have been well aware for years that some people experience a light, tunnel, seeing other spiritual persons, etc. I have never talked to anyone who experienced total blackness, that I can recall. Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire: I wish there had been a box for answers, 7, 10, 13 and 25 in order for me to expand concerning my particular experience, however, I think that the other responses reflect my case very well. Thank you very much for this opportunity. As I began the questionnaire I thought that the “yes, no, maybe” answers would be too restrictive. The opportunity of narrative throughout has given me the opportunity to explain, which to me is highly important. This is not math with a single solution, it is, perhaps the most complex subject a human being can encounter. And even then words cannot describe what happened. Preventing a possible double murder by a drug addict and his friends of the drug addicts ex girlfriend and her mother, I ended up being kicked in the head approximately 20 times (as I found out later). After the first kick to the head, I was unconscious (apparently for a period of about 10 minutes). During this period of unconsciousness I saw three men, dressed in white short-sleeved shirts and long white trousers, who warned me of events to come. At that stage, their described scenario seemed to be absolutely unlikely. However, as things unfolded every one of their predictions came true to the last detail. The thing hardest to believe in the beginning was the “membership” of the three entities. It was stated that these beings are members of the “Universal Justice Command” or UJC. If the rest of their predictions are as accurate as the events concerning me personally, we are going to be in for a rough time yet - and this is going to be worldwide. If you can, please let me know of other people who had contact with the UJC. Please allow such people to contact me via eMail for further discussions and experience exchanges. If you need further details, please don't hesitate to contact me. Yours sincerely, Gunter P While riding my bicycle…i stopped at the top of a wooden slatted bridge…then decided to ride on down to the concrete walk…the slats grabbed my front tire and I thought uh oh…so I tried to grab the railings and kick the bike away from me…i opened my eyes to the most beautiful brightly lit place…green grass, a pond/lake trees but all were eclipsed by this light…i looked around and realized I was sitting on a man's lap, who was dressed in white robes. he had dark hair at first I thought it was my deceased father in his younger years, then I thought it was my 1st husband who had passed on in 1981..then I knew it was Jesus…he held me and comforted me…no words were spoken…but the love and peace…then I heard yelling from far away…it was my then boyfriend calling for help…i woke up to little or no pain…i had broken my right hip…but didn't know it till later at the hospital…the white light stayed with me around me thru the next few days maybe a total of 5-7days…..also while in Jesus' care…he just kept patting my shoulder/back as if I were a child who needed comfort I was in a dimly lit room. across from me was a shaft of light from the ceiling going down at an angle to the right and through the floor. on my left was my deceased seven year old grandson and my deceased 18 month old granddaughter to my right passing by me with the Lord Jesus. A voice in my head said the light was the light of truth and love going from heaven to earth. Then in my head I heard my grandchildren say you must go back and take care of our sister. I walked toward them and looked down and saw a bed by it was my living granddaughter and my wife. next thing I knew I was opening my eyes and saw my granddaughter my first words were to her I came back for you. I saw my granddaughter and wife by the bed from above and they verified it was them in the room when I woke up. At the time my granddaughter was ok and living with her parents but later they broke up and she came to live with us, which explained the take care of our sister statement I found myself outside of Creation, in a gray immensity with no end. Not as in a dream, but crystal clear with no interference. And all was perfectly silent. Not the quiet in the middle of the night, where you can hear your own heart beating, but the total absence of sound of any kind. And yet, I could hear with such clarity as I could never before. Before my eyes, I saw all of Creation as in a Crystal Ball, floating in this grayness. Wrapped around Creation was a Being of stunning majesty, as if it grew from his body. Off in the distance, I saw innumerable other Creations, each with a similar Being. I lifted up the skin of Creation, and saw that every living thing in Creation was an expression of this being, connected to this being, indivisible and of One. Every person, plant, animal, insect, microbe, drew its’ very existence from this Being. Without this Being, if creation existed at all it would be filled with lifeless, empty rocks. Within this realization I was shown how everything is interconnected. From the Beginning to the End. From the largest galactic cluster spinning around the hub of Creation, to the smallest quantum fluctuation; how everyone and everything has a place and a reason. This was revealed. Then it was made clear my own place, my own reason for existence. How I fit in the Glory of Creation. Through all of this as I was part of the One, three qualities filled me: Intelligence, Awareness and Joy. For the next several days, I found myself very sensitive to any sights and sounds. I started having visions of other people, places and times. I had but to close my eyes and images would coalesce and condense before me. I have seen my wife in a world were we never met, I have seen the death of our cat and of one of my daughters (though I know it is only one possible outcome). I have seen images of places I have never been, of other worlds and of creatures other than human. This passed with time, and I can no longer sense them. But even with the passing of time, I still include within myself the journey and what was revealed to me. I woke up in the early morning unable to breathe unless I sat up. My husband took me to the hospital after a quick trip to our family physician. I was put through a battery of X-Rays and blood tests, etc. Then I was wheeled into a room, an oxygen mask was put on my face, and I was left there to wait until all the tests came back. As I lay there, my husband sat at the foot of my bed. Every time I laid down, it was harder to breathe, but I was so weak, all I could do was hope they figured out what was wrong with me, so I prayed silently to myself. I was inwardly afraid of what would happen to me. At the time this occurred, I had been given absolutely NO medication - only the oxygen had been administered. I recall trying to draw a breath and it seemed like the hardest thing to do, like a weight was on my chest. I closed my eyes and then I felt 'free' suddenly. Not just free, but weightless and 'assured'. I wasn't afraid anymore. I was without a single care. I was like a child again and I marveled at the complete lack of burden. Then, I felt two hands on either shoulder touch me. Even though I didn't look behind me, I seemed to know these two people standing behind me were my friends. I didn't have to look. It was like I was not allowed to look, but it didn't matter, since I 'sensed' they were good and safe. I asked them if I was dead and it was time to go. They said no. They told me I was to go with them. They wanted to show me something. They did not ask me for my answer (which would have been 'yes') Then, they pulled me out of my body by the shoulders and took me up through the ceiling, and through all the floors, and out of the building and into the 'sky'. I was flying and it felt exhilarating. But when we got high enough, things went black and there was this nothing place. Everything was quiet and there was no temperature sensation - just deep nothing and silence. I asked where I was and they positioned me with a touch of their hands (which is hard to relate again because there was nothing relative to 'position' me, but I knew they were facing me because of their touch). They said to watch, so I did. In the vast distance, I saw something begin to grow. I am not sure if I got closer, or if it was getting bigger. There was nothing else around to compare it to. When 'it' got close enough I could start to see these little 'beings'? wrapping ribbons of light around a central 'thing'. As the thing got closer, I could see all kinds of things that are part of creation. I saw cats, mountains, trees, rivers, people, stars… there were so many things just 'bubbling' up and together. Like a soup of everything, but each thing thought out clearly in their bubbles only to 'pop' and join everything else. I cannot begin to tell you the joy - jubilation - that I felt watching this happen. It was the most happiness I had ever felt in my life. They asked me “What do you see?” I said…(as if I had no doubt at all)…“Creation” Then they asked me, “What have you learned?”… and I said (as if I always knew even though I'd never considered this philosophy)…“Everything IS everything else.” Then they asked again with a simple, ”…AND?” I was full of knowledge I had never known. I answered, “What anyone does, matters to everything.” It was interesting hearing answers come from my lips(?) that I didn't know I knew. They said, “Good.” The next thing I know they are pulling me away from the 'joy' and taking me someplace else. In an instant, we were standing in an all white place. they were still behind me (i knew) but again, I had no need or desire to look back at them. No walls, no floor, no ceiling - this place was just all white. The only thing that stood out was a door. It was a plain red door, like a stage door… but nothing held it up. It just stood there, the only color in the place. I presumed it was death's door and asked them again if I was going to die now. I did not ask in fear, just child-like curiosity. They told me no. They said I had one more thing to learn before I returned. They said to walk through the door. I politely countered (knowing it was death's door) that they had just said I wasn't going to die just yet. With a gentle shove, I went to the door, trusting in them totally, just slightly confused but content. I walked through it - and felt absolutely nothing different. I told them nothing happened. They said do it again, only this time with shoes. I looked down for the first time and saw that I had legs and feet and was wearing bright red sneakers. Strangely, I had never considered my 'body' till that moment except in the context of what I was seeing outside of it. The second time I walked through the door, I again felt nothing and told them so. They said to look at my feet, so I did. The shoes were still on the other side of the threshold. They had never entered with me. Then they asked me again what I had learned. I answered swiftly that we could not take material things with us when we die. I was pleased with my answer, though I felt there was more because what I said seemed so obvious. They persisted again with the same secondary question, “…AND?” Then, the words rolled from my lips like it had always been there just out of my knowing and instantly recalled. I had felt nothing different when I walked through the door because I DIDN'T change. My LOCATION did. My sneakers were never a part of me. I said, “We do not change when we die. We are always butterflies. We simply move to a different sky.” If I had tears I could not feel them, and yet what I had just said reverberated into my heart and soul and very being. I knew I had 'learned'. They said it was time to go back. I succumbed willingly to their navigation through and out of the 'wherever' place we were. We fell out of the blackness again, through the roof, ceilings and floor till I was in my room again. I lowered horizontally as if I was going to settle into my body, but I hovered a few feet above. I felt their hands leave my shoulders and I didn't want them to go. I told them I was not in my body yet. They said I had the power to do that and I didn't need them. They did not say goodbye. They simply left. I could see my husband still at the foot of my bed. He had fallen asleep sitting in the chair. I sort of 'relaxed' my way down and it worked! I got a few inches from being all the way in… and like a child with a new toy, I went up again just to see if I could do it - and I did! I was about to try again, but I saw him stirring and my heart suddenly worried he would be afraid. I didn't want to scare him, so I went the whole way down. When I went back into my body, it all came back… the heaviness, the pain in my chest, the struggle to breathe. The one thing that was different was my attitude. I was SO unafraid… I was SO ASSURED. For the first time in my life, death was nothing to fear ever again. I had new answers and a new outlook and philosophy. What I did here mattered, and where I was headed was a good place. My husband reached out to touch my hand. his face was full of concern. I told him not to worry… that I wasn't going to die yet. Not from this anyway. Ever since then, I have told only certain people. I try not to tell anyone unless I feel they need to know it and won't think I'm making it up. The only reason I am telling you is because my daughter showed me this site and I was inspired to share it with others who ARE looking for assurance of life after death. It was an ordinary day in the life of a young carefree man and suddenly, without any warning, I felt extremely ill and was close to collapsing. I went to see my local doctor and after examining me I was told it was a simple case of the 'flu. I was prescribed antibiotics and returned home. As the days passed my condition grew worse and developed a very high fever. I was unable to eat or drink anything, rapidly loosing weight. By the 8th day I was lapsing in and out of consciousness, and my mother decided to take me back to the doctor. I was too weak to stand, my uncle had to carry me. The doctor said I had double pneumonia and had to be taken to the hospital immediately. Because I was lapsing in and out of consciousness I'm unable to recall much of what happened. I vaguely remember being wheeled on a stretcher to the back of an ambulance, and then being wheeled into the hospital casualty ward. Then I briefly came around when a nurse was inserting an intravenous drip needle into my right arm. Suddenly I had a strange sense of complete weightlessness and began floating upward, I wasn't at all alarmed by the experience. I continued upward until I reached the ceiling about 9 feet from the floor then stopped. For the first time in several days I actually got to see myself, not in a mirror but my body laying motionless on the hospital bed below me. What a sad and pathetic sight it was, a grey deathly gaunt color with deeply sunken eye sockets and cheek bones, and yet in spite of that ghastly sight there was a beautiful feeling of a tranquil peace and wellbeing. I was almost immediately aware of a high sense of alertness and it seemed that I could see and hear everything and everyone within the large ward. Then I gradually became aware that I wasn't alone, and I'm not talking about the other people in the ward. There was an unseen 'someone' approaching me. An indescribable overwhelming love began to completely envelope me and with it came a sense of joy that defies words. I noticed there was a soft blue aura all round me (I later realized the blue aura was me). Then a gentle yet all powerful voice spoke softly to me “Malcolm… Malcolm, it's not your time. Go back now.” The best way I know how to describe the voice is - think of a million electric power stations all working together at the same time and this wouldn't even come close to the energy that his voice produced (I say 'his' because it was definitely a mans voice). The next thing I recall was waking up two days later in a different bed, in a different ward, being attended to by a young nurse. I had been bleeding for 3 days and that night when I went to bed I was quite weak (but I'm also stubborn) My sis was in the kitchen. My boyfriend and I at the time were fighting, so the last person I wanted to see was him but I laid down beside him anyway. I can't really remember how long before I was looking down at myself and shacking my head looking at him saying what an ass, and then the next thing I remembered was I said to myself, still looking down, “Ina if you don't get up NOW! you won't wake up in the morning,” GET UP! and the next thing I knew is I was sitting up and I looked at him and I didn't even bother telling him that I was going. I walk out to the kitchen and my sister said, “do you want to go?” and I said, “yes.” It took 20 min to get there and by the time we did I had a large cup of blood, when we got to the hospital the emergency nurse was a little nasty she thought I was drunk, until my sister showed her the cup. The next thing I new was I was laying on a bed and I heard Code Blue Emergency repeatedly and that's when I knew. The next thing I remembered was I was looking down at 4or 5 people on either side of me trying desperately trying to get a vein, as I watched in horror (I did find it offensive) I started to look for my sister who I found pacing up and down the hall with her boyfriend holding her, she looked so scared. They took me to a medical floor and in that time I could feel something wasn't right, I tried to tell the nurse that the needle wasn't in (blood transfusion). But she said, “oh no, dear your fine.” Well I knew if I didn't get her to check it that I was going to die. So I got her attention again and low and behold I was right. I ended up in intensive care I heard them say they couldn't deal with such a complicated patient, so they sent me by ambulance to Toronto. On the way in the ambulance, the attendant at the back with me was very caring and I was very weak, But when we got to a certain part of the highway (I hated this ramp) I seemed to know exactly where we were, I asked him to ask the driver to slow down on this ramp because I didn't want to get into an accident. First he asked how I knew and then he repeated what I said to the driver and the driver said that's the last way you're gonna die lady.( I think the guy in the back with me was a little spooked) I started at Wellesley Hospital Intensive Care, I'm not really sure to this day what floor I was on but I had a couple of out of body experiences there. My doctors office was on the 4th floor and I was floating above him as he sat at the edge of his desk and he was talking to my mother telling her that the next 72 hours were crucial, and she might just want to get the closest family members there. (My 4 and 5 year olds) The next time I was looking down and there was my mother taking my pulse and looking so sad, I then ended up in the waiting room where I found my sister her boyfriend and my two children, the kids had know idea what was going on, they were playing and bouncing on the couch, my sister looked so sad, I felt for all of them, But It was my children that really got me. I said to myself who's gonna look after them if I go? I still had feelings but no pain. I really think that I had a choice and I made the choice to stay this time around. it's amazing how much Love can do, It wasn't my time. But I will tell you one thing I look at life in a whole new way. I believe we are all energy and that this is a shell we live in. When the shell dies our energy lives on….. Angel of transformation“ ©Copyright Ira Binder, Luxembourg, Europe, All Rights reserved ndes - first part of 2005 My first OB was when I was 16. I had just got off work and picked up a couple friends to go visiting at another friends house. My boyfriend at the time was also with me. We got to the friends house and I could not have been inside my friends house for more than 2 minutes when I started to feel really flush and lightheaded and felt a need for fresh air. I told my boyfriend I was going to step outside because I was warm and just had this feeling to get fresh air (hard to explain this feeling). Concerned, he said he would step outside with me. I was almost to the door when I got the overwhelming feeling of spinning vibrations running up my body. It felt like my insides were spinning. As the spinning was going on, I could see all around the room though my body was stationary. The vibrations got stronger and stronger and I felt as though I was lifting (all the while spinning as I was lifting) out of my body, exiting through the top of my head. Then all of a sudden everything was black. As I was coming back into “sight” and out of the black darkness, to my surprise, I was floating on the ceiling looking down at my body watching my three friends and boyfriend over my body trying to shake me and slapping me lightly on the face trying to revive me. My body was limp and they could get no response from me. I watched the whole thing. As I watched, I was scared. I didn’t understand any of this and thought I was dead. I was so scared because I thought, “Omg, I’m dead and they are going to bury me, but I’m not dead. I can see them and myself!” My next thought was, “I’m too young to die!” At that point I felt the spinning vibrations again, everything went black and I was back in my body. I told my boyfriend and friends what I saw them do, who confirmed it. About 15 minutes later I started to get the vibrations again and felt I was “slipping out” again. I held on to my boyfriend and told him, “I don’t want to slip back out”. I fought the vibrations, which was not easy, but that night didn’t have another OB. I'm not sure what brought this OB on, from a fully awake 'walking outside' to a complete 'pass out onto a OB'. Most, since, are in bed. That was years ago and there was not much talk on the topic then. When that happened I had never heard of OB’s, and it scared me tremendously, but have educated myself since (after “many more” occurrences, mostly in bed). For some reason, they seem to come on very easy with me. I have countless other experiences, too, but the first experience is always the most interesting. This event I am about to describe is my oldest memory that I can recall. I'm unsure if it was associated by it's probable, that it was attributed to my being hospitalized as a newborn with pneumonia. The first part of my experience wasn't quite dream-like, it was different.. I wasn't what I am now.. I don't think I can define what I was. But I was lead by other entities to a this strange machine. I remember it making a low hum, but I couldn't hear it, I could still sense the vibration it made though. The tone of this was something that had to be done- very solemn.. Then I seemed to enter or become one, or passed through this machine thing and entered into a tunnel.. and as I had described elsewhere, I had none of my earthly senses. I felt I was infinitely small, conducted through this tunnel, yet squeezed through it, or perhaps fitting through it perfectly, as if the tunnel and I were of the same.. The length of time I was in the tunnel seemed instantaneous and infinite, simultaneously. It's a feeling that I just cannot describe in words.. The next thing I recalled after that is that I was, for lack of any other words- alive. I can't remember anything else past or before that point. The other experience I had was not necessarily out of body, but of the same subject. I was driving truck for my employer and I was thinking about God, the universe and how it all works, you know- this kind of thing fascinates me. I found myself speaking with God, as I do time and time again. At the time I was concerned if I'd make it into Heaven, because I didn't know if I was really good enough, a common and understandable concern. I promised that I was his, and to do with me as he will. I'm sure some sort of deal was forged that day, but instantaneously I was overcome with a euphoric feeling of what I can only describe as complete contentment, and exactly after that brief period of time I have had no fear of death, and welcome it when it is my time. It is my understanding that I have a destiny that must be achieved before it is my time to die, and with that understanding I have learned that I am almost completely free. I can now be fearless in the face of danger, use logic in place of natural defensive reaction in multiple cases, stand up to those who command it, I don't even flinch anymore. I believe my life is still being forged by these events, progressing, honing myself for the day of days, whatever and whenever it may be. I had been hemorrhaging for approx. 12 hours by this time. As I previously noted, the nurse started to give me a shot. For some reason, she had to do this shot very slowly. When she was about halfway done, I started to feel 'light'. Then I heard her say, from far away, “What's your name? Tell me your name”. I began to say it, and then suddenly, I felt myself leave my body. It was as if I was being sucked by a vacuum from the top of my head. Then, I was in a dark tunnel, and SPEEDING upwards towards a light. When I got very close to the light, I became conscious of a 'being' in the light, welcoming me as if I had been waited for, for a long, long time. Gladly, and with love. On my right were three 'beings'. We communicated, without speaking. I cannot remember much of this, except I was asked (apparently rhetorically) if I wanted to stay. I answered yes, because I really felt I had come home, finally. But they communicated that my time here was not yet over, that I had more to do. I was sent back, backwards, through the tunnel, and I got heavier as I went, and the bells became bongs instead of tinkling. When I returned, I was surrounded by 8 nurses and doctors, I had been put on 'shock blocks', and they were trying to get a blood line in-my veins had all but collapsed due to lack of blood pressure. I tried to talk about it to my family, but they really didn't want to hear about it. My children are interested, but not my parents or my siblings. I would get quite emotional if I talked about it. It wasn't until about ten years later that I started reading about it, and found out that others, MANY others, had experienced the same thing. I was amazed, delighted, and comforted. I had felt like a 'freak' for a long time. I knew my experience was real, have always known it, and yet, it felt so good to not be alone. I know something else. There ARE reasons and patterns to life. We're all here for special reasons, even if just to raise our or someone else's consciousness. Even just to perform that one special act, or say that one special thing. Thank you for giving me this forum. I was 7 years old and was on a bike hike with my two older sisters and a couple of their friends. It was a Sunday. We had ridden what I thought was a long ways away from home. I had to borrow a bike from one of my sisters friends. We were going down a steep hill. I remember seeing a sign that said 7% downgrade next 2 miles. After starting on this hill I realized that this bike was one where the peddles kept going as long as the bike was moving and I couldn't catch my brakes. I yelled out to my sister Kelly who was in front of me and told her that I couldn't catch my brakes and I was going too fast. She yelled back to me “Just put your feet out, hold your breath and go!” I was so winded trying to keep up with my peddles that when I did just that… I held my breath.. I passed out. I remember seeing my bike swerving back and forth. (I learned later that I crashed into a rock wall.) Next thing I remember was a total feeling of happiness and peace. I remember floating above a field of blue and yellow lupins. There aren't really words to describe the amount of joy I felt. I remember looking to the right and seeing green rolling hills. The colors were so brilliant, the air seemed perfect. Then I looked to my left and I saw me in the back of a red Jeep laid out behind the back seat. I saw my sister Kelly sitting in the back seat sobbing and shaking me asking me to please wake up. I distinctly remember the smell of vomit while I was looking down on myself. Then I remember pain. I was back in my body. I had vomited on myself. I remember looking at my sister thinking why did you make me come back?!? I guess I passed out again. The next thing I remember was looking down on myself again. This time we are in front of my house. My mom and dad were talking and there was a small crowd of people standing behind them. My mom ripped my shirt off and I remember seeing the boy I had a crush on standing in the crowd. I was telling my mom, “Don't let Jay see my boobies”. My next memory was while they were wheeling me down the hallway at the hospital towards the emergency room. My mom was crying because she was worried that I had not regained consciousness yet. She was wearing a white crochet shawl with pink roses on it. My next memory was waking up in a hospital room with the most massive headache of my life. Every time I tried to sit up I passed out. I remember asking mom where her shawl was. She looked at me funny and told me that it was in the closet because I had thrown up on it. “How did you know I had it on?” she asked. I simply told her “I saw it”. It was years later that I learned that my memories were either Near Death experience or out of body experience. I don't share the story very often. I remember the details like it happened yesterday. I had overdosed on Heroin. My friends couldn't revive me and had rushed me to the hospital and basically dumped me on the receptionist's desk and disappeared. I don't remember any of this. I was clinically dead (DOA) with no heart beat or respiration. I was taken in and worked on. Where my sense of “being” was rushing throughout the hospital halls at great speed. Someone was with me (hair rises while I type about it) and this person or thing had a great urgent “hurry up” type attitude and was trying to get me to hurry. I couldn't figure it out. We got into the room where I was at (through a wall) and the person was holding my hand. I remember them (but can't see them, can only feel the hand) urging me to see what was going on (i was in no hurry or had no inkling or need to look), I finally did. I was absolutely horrified! In a flash I realized I was dead, that was me on the table, I seen the 3 people around me working rapidly on me with some serious urgency. I was so scared that I literally “jumped” back into my skin. Since then I have never understood the term “jumping out of your skin” since I had the reverse thing happen to me. I was scared back into my skin. At this point I hear the doctors telling me he needed me to to wake up, I heard yelling, and I sat up and the doctor told me how lucky I was that I finally responded. I had car accident, when the car is turned upside down, during this I remembered everything with all the details and very accurately, since my birth till the time of accident and I remembered all the people I knew, even the ones whom I met once or twice, I remembered all the events, the important and non-important ones when my age is less than a year, I remembered it with all its details, it past was in front of me and I saw it as a cinema show in just 15 minutes, and when I got out of the car I was in full consciousness, I felt that I wasn’t in the car or in other means I was exist and not exist, a feeling that is difficult to describe, I felt that there is a something to protect people. I had a terrible tooth ache and I decided to go to the doctor (Dentist) to have my molar extracted. I received local anesthesia and I died. I left this world, I knew nothing, I felt nothing and I saw myself floating without feeling my body or mass, in the air. I looked up and I saw that very brilliant LIGHT, I saw downwards and I saw myself in the same dentist seat with the dentist trying to revive me, and trying to find out if my heart was beating. The feeling of abandonment relaxation and happiness was difficult to describe and I wanted to remain in that condition. I suddenly saw that I was rapidly descending and entering my body awaking from that marvelous sensation. The dentist was scared and she kept saying that I should have told her that I was cardiac and that I was not to receive any anesthetic. I had this experience when nothing was known about this theme, especially in Cuba where we do not have any information on this regard. After the surgery for traumatic brain injury, the doctors put me into a coma for a couple weeks to help give my body time to heal. During this time, I thought I woke up to see the person in the bed to my right die. After I recovered, and started to ask questions about his death, the doctors and nurses insisted that I could not possibly have remembered this. It seems as though I was standing beside my bed looking over top of myself towards the person in the next bed down from me. The nurses all of a sudden came to his bed in a hurry. The first one there tried frantically to recover him, but it didn't work. A lot of other nurses surrounded his bed and did a lot of stuff to him as well, but he died. When this happened, I can remember seeing some sort of fog, or cloud come directly up from his body and leave the room. I knew right at that time he had died, because of what it felt like. I could not hear any sounds during this event, but I can still remember all of the feelings. The nurses had a distraught anxious feeling during this time. The older nurse seemed to be consoling the other nurses, by that I mean she seemed to give the other nurses the idea that this happens in the I.C. U, but we are here to save the ones we can. This event has changed my life. I think it taught me how to FEEL more than I ever had before. It started as a typical beautiful sunny day in april, not a cloud in the sky, I was at home with my mom and my newborn son (11 days old) my older son was at the sitters house and I was getting ready to go to the grocery store. With this being my second child I seemed to be ready to go back to my normal routine of life and wanted to do normal things like driving my car to the store, only this time my mother and I discussed she wanting to drive because it was too soon after giving birth to drive so she drove and insisted that we put our seat belts on which I do anyway and we put my baby in the back seat behind the driver side because of seat belt malfunction on opposite side of backseat. We start driving towards the store and listening to the radio, with an annoying heavy metal guitar solo playing and at the same time we reached up to turn the volume down and laughed that we both reach the knob of the radio at the same time, as we were pulling up to a traffic light that was red, while we were waiting for the light to turn green I decided to put on my glasses and the light turned green and my mom pulled out into the street we were turning onto. At that split half a second moment my entire life was turned upside down, i went to another place another time and was not wearing what I call street clothes, a series of event occurred in this place that I speak of but I will get to that in a minute, I lost time and when I became conscious I was in my car my glasses in my lap, my seat belt still on, and (my right hand down by my side palm up), a big significance for the rest of the story, those were the first things I saw when I opened my eyes, next my mom convulsing next to me not answering my calling to her, and my newborn son in the floorboard of the backseat screaming crying as loud as he could. Not being in my right mind, I took my seat belt off got out of the car and started walking around in this zombie-like state, people were running up to me and asking if I was alright and me not responding to them, like the lights are on, but nobody's home. Oh yeah let me tell you the day was wednesday around 11:00 a.M. And by the time the ambulance arrived my mom was airlifted to the hospital along with my newborn son, and I was taken to the hospital in the ambulance and the paramedic was asking me the usual questions what your name do you know what day it is , my response was salena, and it's saturday, and where's my mom and my newborn (stephen) and my other son (xander). Well they wouldn't answer and when I started asking for my other son they started thinking that they had missed another child at the site of the wreck. So I truly didn't know what day it was anymore and was obviously out of it. So that's the back ground of it all, now to the really Interesting parts…. after living at the hospital for 2 months with my mom In icu and my son I children's icu my mom eventually passed away and my son thank our lord is now 7 and can walk and talk and has a wonderful mind. I started remembering this dream that I had had, but couldn't remember when I had this dream, I am one of those people that can remember dreams, dream in color, dream of events that haven't even taken place yet, so for me to remember a dream and all of it's details, but not remember when I dreamt it was very very strange, so let me tell you about this “dream” i open my eyes and the first thing that I see I my right hand next to my side palm up, but in some sand and noticing that I was not in regular street clothes I was in a natural colored burlap or sackcloth material robe, as I wake in this “dream” I notice that I am somewhere that i've never been before ( a desert-like area), and not believing where I am I decide to test myself my taking the sand on the ground next to me and running it through my fingers and actually feeling the grains of sand fall through them still in shock of not knowing where I am I decide to explore my surroundings so I get up off of the ground. I had my back against a stone building and my head was hanging down. So looking around I notice that there were people in the distance all wearing the same thing that I was wearing curious as to what everyone was doing and just the whole experience, I started to make my way over to where they were. As I got closer to them I noticed a crowd of people surrounding one person, and they were crying and moaning and as I started to take a better look at these people everything around me started to move slower, but not me. These people were worshipping this person that they were crowding around so I wanted to get to the front to see who this was, as I made my way through the crowd. The crowd, took notice of me and I noticed the look on their faces. They looked at me as if to be saying who is she and where did she come from, so I get to the front and realize they are worshipping the lord and it wasn't like I could see his face I could just feel his presence and he's speaking over the crowd to everyone, looking through the crowd. He points me out and asks me to come forth to him and I do. As I am doing that he starts to ask me to do something and I notice these people are shocked that I came from out of nowhere and I am standing next to “him” just as I hear what it is that he wants me to do I wake, and I don't know what it was that he wanted me to do. Now to back up a little bit I gathered what I have told you so far over a period of one year little by little. Once I had gathered this much of my experience I started going to many different churches and different backgrounds of churches sought many different elders guidance as to what all of this meant and no one could tell me I was starving for the answers that would have been remotely close to seeming right, but still nothing, in desperation I put all of this on a back burner in my mind, just trying to live the rest of my life and pick up what little pieces I had left of it. About one year later I was going to bed and as my head hit the pillow, in my mind, was this bright white light, like a lightning bolt in my mind and I remembered the rest of the dream, I had been asked by the lord to speak to others about the lord, yes yes, even today when I tell this it seems crazy to me now just as it did when he asked me when I was there wherever there is or was, and I remember my reaction to what was being asked of me “who am I to do this what makes me special and how could I possibly talk to anyone about the lord or these events when I myself don't know the whole bible in it's entirety. But as I remembered this, as I was going to go to sleep I shot out of my bed and was alert, but unfortunately at the time I had no one to share what had just happened to me with. So I started studying harder than ever to learn as much as I could about things that I didn't have much knowledge of other that my whole life feeling close to the lord. I got saved, and started remembering the small details even drawing my surroundings in this experience to help deal with or make sense of it all. As I was drawing one day, I started remembering that in the wreck. I distinctly remembered how my hand was laying when I opened my eyes after the impact of the wreck and that's what made everything crystal clear to me and it finally made sense to me that that's why I couldn't remember when I had the dream and that it wasn't a dream at all. It was real and that I had felt the sand and everything in this experience was as real as sitting in front of someone being able to touch them and smell them and feel them. I had gone somewhere else. How I woke up in this dream state was exactly how I was positioned in my car at the time of the wreck… Talk about scary. Sorry if this is long but I felt I had to give detail because that's how I was able to put this all together. I was stabbed by a paranoid Schizophrenic while on duty. I was stabbed in the first and second intercostal spaces. It is a miracle I survived. I was rushed to the OR within 20 minutes. On the way ..the surgeon was holding pressure on the wound to slow the blood. I asked what the chances were of fixing it. He said he would not know until he got in there. I knew most of the OR staff. They asked what they could do… I asked for all present to pause and to pray for the DRs and for me. I told them however it turned out it was ok. I told the Dr not to ever blame himself it I did not survive. I would be ok. I was not afraid to die. On the operating table as my chest filled with blood I felt my heart shift to the right. I softly said Uh-Ohhh.. I knew it was a mediastinal shift. My anesthesiologist rushed from my feet where he had inserted an IV instructing the nurse to tape it down. He placed one hand on each side of my head and said Maria..why did you say that? I told him..he verified that my heart was shifted with his stethoscope and immediately put me under so they could get into my chest. When they got in they removed over 3 units of blood from my chest cavity. The ER floor and the cart was a mess too ! I saw a bright light..then I was in a room..it was basically L shaped… I saw two doors..one had a flip down bar, like a fire door. It was in the bottom of the L. The lighting was dim and there was a male being in a long robe..light in color..long white beard. He said you are to wait here until it is over. He left. I was a bit intimidated..unsure of what to do, but not fearful. Then I saw a soft golden light coming out of an arch shaped doorway on the long shaft of the L. The doorway was formed of blocks of stone..like a castle might have. It was the door to a tunnel. The walls rotated clockwise. I walked closer to the door.. I felt enveloped by Love and nurturing and concern and reassurance, then I realized the golden light was alive. it was swirling and moving. I stepped to the doorway and looked in .. There was a long tunnel. It curved gently to the left about 150 feet down and I could only see to the curve. I could feel the love and caring and concern and steadfastness of the light. I knew it was God with me. I knew that this door led to Heaven and that if I had to go through it that I was safe and secure and that everything would be fine. There was no worry about others behind. There was no regret. Just the knowledge that I was in the presence of the purist Love in the universe. I was safe and I would be cared for. I seemed to know that I could go into the tunnel if I wished but I did not since I was asked to wait. After a time, the being reappeared and I was shown to the “firedoor”.. I pushed the bar and entered..my body. I was in pain.. I felt a horrible pain in my right medial diaphragm… I was in agony. Later I was told my first response post op was to grab that area. Later I was told that the chest tube had migrated to the diaphragm and the diaphragm was injured by it. I was quite ill..in intensive care but I knew that everything was going to be fine. And eventually it was. On a Thursday afternoon late in the month of January 1993. At a time when the affirmation of Christ was at a peak level in my life. I died. I died a complete death. The only thing that I can find that nearly resembles what I experienced is the “Near Death Experience”. However my experience lacked a major component of the NDE. Specifically, the part when I was supposed to be pulled, or drawn, or just awaken back in my body at approx. the same time as when I had left it. It's not as though I didn't try that. I certainly made several attempt's. That didn't work. It was a day like any other day. And then it happened. I got hit! The 1st van clipped the rear wheel of the motorcycle I was riding as I passed in front of it, sending the rear end of the bike around in a circular direction into the opposing flow of traffic and another van, which also hit the bike in the same way increased the velocity of the spin immensely. I was thrown to the ground with an amount of force sufficient to break my neck. The chin guard on the full face helmet I was wearing took the 1st point of impact. My neck twisted and snapped so clean and so quick, I didn't even know I was dead…..! So, I got up. I began brushing myself off. I still had my helmet on and the grey leather military issue German fighter pilots jacket I was wearing was not torn but I could feel the tiny pieces of asphalt through my gloves as brushed away at the abrasion across the front of the jacket. My ears were ringing so loudly that I couldn't hear anything at all above the high-pitched, persistently resonant tone. My entire body had a buffered, swollen feeling. A powerful vibrating buzz permeated my entire being. Much like I would expect to feel after being slammed into the ground with the force which I had just endured. You may be familiar with the feeling. I was, I recall feeling this way at other times in my life when I began to enter a state of shock. As I looked around to my right side, my motorcycle was there across the center of the road 6 or 7 feet in front of me. A station wagon had stopped beyond there blocking the traffic from the scene. A car came around the right side of the station wagon hurriedly and accelerated as it passed right through me and sped on down the road away from the accident. People had begun to gather around my body as I lie there motionless on the ground between the bike and the car that stopped to block the traffic from the scene. People were moving about frantically covering there faces and looking away as they could see by the unnatural turn of my neck revealing a lifeless gaze on my face, eyes still open and staring into nothing. Obviously dead. I could see that no one had touched me or tried to move me. So I got down on my hands and knees and attempted to reenter my body. Placing all of my limbs into the same position as I lay there. 1st my legs, then my torso, and now my head. I recall seeing the rim of the face opening of the helmet as I looked at my left hand, carefully aligning my fingers with my fingers. A man had gotten down on his hands and knees trying to get a closer look into my eyes to see if there was any sign of consciousness or breathing. I guess it was possible to him that I may still be alive only paralyzed from the neck down. At that point I would have been okay with that. I expected to feel some sort of click when I became fully aligned with myself. I didn't. As I began to push against the ground with the palms of my hands my shoulders and head came up about a foot before I realized I could still see myself laying on the ground below me. It wasn't working. I made two more attempts at getting up with my body. Before I stood up without it. I was now fully aware of what was happening. I had just died in a motorcycle accident in front of my home, on the way to work one afternoon. And what was worse was that my neck was completely broken and I couldn't get back into my body. I didn't know what to do. I was no longer concerned about my body or the people who were trying to help me or the entire scene all together. I was more interested in what began to happen next. I was once again oriented to the scene as I was when I began to brush myself off. This time I had no physical sense of being, my movement was more drawn or pulled than it had previously been I could no longer see myself. My senses seemed to all become one sense of presence. Rather than sight or smell or touch or sound. I was simply present and aware. The visual realm began to swirl. I could sense the tree in my front yard and wall to my house as a tunnel formed right through them in which I was drawn into. On the walls of the tunnel there seemed to be spaces that were occupied by events in my life none that particularly stood out or that I recognized as significant relevant to any other. I was more fascinated by the way that they were revealed, than I was in the content of each space. After passing through whatever it was, reality began to again take on form just the same as it had lost form only moments before. I regained the physical senses I had once before as I stood at the side of my bed in my bedroom which all became to be, as I became to be simultaneously. I saw myself lying there before me in my bed sleeping. I was wearing only my boxer shorts. The same as I was wearing there in my bed. I lay down into my body so easily and so comfortably and so tired. I fall asleep. 2 years ago I was having oral surgery and had a reaction the medication to put me asleep. I was flat lined for over 3 minutes until the medical people showed up. I remember the whole event, I was with my deceased father in-law in a area that was so peaceful I didn't want to leave. When he died he could not speak English, when I was with him I could understand him perfectly. As they tried to revive me and get my heart started again I could feel them using the paddles to get my heart started. I could feel my body moving up and down, but knew I was not moving. I was laying there in darkness with my arms crossed and could feel my body moving. Ever since that event I have this strange thing happen to me when I'm about to fall asleep. I can almost control my soul and have OBE when I want to. Sometimes it feels like there is a tether hold my soul to my body and it snaps me back in. I still remember it very well, I start to leave my body and I flew through the white tunnel and the ring moving slowly around me and I still remember that feeling that, the ring are moving me away from my body and into the tunnel, in a way I was trying to resist that. I was not sleeping. I was awake. I was in semi-sitting position I was looking to the tunnel resisting the rings to push me to the tunnel. I was conscious because I remember my mom sitting beside me trying cold compresses to reduce my fever. My parents told me after years when I ask them about that disease that I was in a very critical condition and took me to the hospital, I am sure and still have that feeling as if I was leaving this world. It’s difficult to describe, it was difficult for me to find the right words. First thing, an unfathomable black and the feeling of an out of body experience. Then the light, everywhere, not dazzling, neither heat nor cold, impression to bathe in love. I saw my all life story, but when they send me back to earth (or may be I decided on my own to come back), they erased all what I saw, probably to not modify my destiny in any way? Anyway, after my come back (additionally very difficult), I kept some memories in mind about my trip in the other side. There is also the concept of time, time doesn’t exist ether, the absence of fear (all the time, I was fearless : from the time I knew I would die and up to now. And there was also the “music”… I made a suicide attempt by taking antidepressants. In intensive care unit, I found myself drawn in one of the room corners, being spectator of all what was occurring. Then, I entered a kind of tunnel enlightened by a terribly dazzling light. I hesitated a lot to go back, but someone, with a very soft voice, told me to do so. It was at the same time, a marvellous and terrifying experiment because nobody tried to explain me anything. After ten days being in a coma, I awoke with a chaplain sitting besides me. In fact, … people expected me to die. However, this changed all my life. My vision of dead (without fear), and always… go to the main points! NDERF does not endorse encourage or advocate for suicide in any way, shape or form. I laid down for a nap, with a request to my wife to wake me at 3pm if she didn't hear me up before then - I vividly remember noticing the digital clock in our bedroom showing 1:50pm. I had to be at work at 4pm. My next recollection was being near the ceiling in our home's entry-way. I saw a uniformed policeman just inside the door directing traffic coming into the house - towards the kitchen for other than medical personnel; towards our bedroom for medical personnel. I was experiencing no pain, nor was I hearing anything - everything was eerily silent. In an instant, I was in a corner of our bedroom observing paramedics tending to someone at the foot of our bed. Again, total silence. I remember not being able to force myself to look down to see who was being treated. In another instant, I regained consciousness, lying on the floor at the foot of our bed, with paramedics trying to revive me. I remember hearing the paramedics describe me as an “agitated” patient - my vivid recollection was of coming-to with a large paramedic sitting on my chest to hold me down, while the other two were holding my legs and arms still. I couldn't breathe. I remember gathering what strength I could, then breaking loose from the paramedics and standing up. The paramedics immediately put me on a gurney, and they strapped me down. I was airlifted from my home to Osborn Hospital, which is one of two head-injury facilities in the area. I had tripped getting out of bed, hit my head on the ceramictiled floor, and I had suffered severe bruising to my brain. I was hospitalized for nine days, six of which were in the ICU. During my NDE/OBE, I felt no pain, nor did I hear anything - total silence. I saw no lighted tunnel, or bright lights of any sort. I was not given a choice of returning to my life or going forth with the death process. I was having on and off high fever for the past 2 weeks. I went to see the doctor a week before but nothing happens. I was getting weaker day by day. on that particular day, I decided to go to another doctor. He gave me an injection and medication. Later that evening, I was feeling a bit better. After being staying in my room for the past 2 weeks, I decided to go out to the night market near my campus. I was still weak but I need a fresh air. My friend accompanied me and we walk to the night market. while my friend was busy choosing a shoe, my fingers started to trembles and I started to feel dizzy. That's when I fainted and fell to the road. Suddenly I was floating and saw my friend screaming for help. That's when I saw my own body lying on the road. I couldn't believe my eyes and I started to scream “am I dead” but nobody seems to hear it. I saw crowds start gathering around my body. That's when I felt some sort of energy is pulling me away from the crowd, sort of like sucking me out, then I turn myself and saw a bright light, too bright…but beautiful… I didn't know how to describe the light. I turned back to look at my body and at the same time I was floating away…towards the light…leaving the crowds at the roadside. I was floating towards the light so fast. it was like a pathway with bright white light and along the pathway on both side there was colors. Some sort of colorful flowers. It was very beautiful. it feels like heaven. Then I started to cry. I told myself that I am too young to die. I don't want to die, not now. This is not the time yet for me. That's when I suddenly felt like I was being push away from the light. I was floating fast the opposite way and from above I could see my friend was holding my body and crying. It is like an energy had pushed me back into my body and I woke up, sweating like hell. My friend told me that I fainted but I couldn't explained even to myself what actually happens that day. I was working for a manufacturing company in Waterloo, Iowa. I just had just left the Marine Corps after almost 10 years of service. I left trying to save a marriage and to make sure I would be in the life of my twin's. They were only four at that time. I started job as a journeyman electrician. One Saturday in March, while working overtime, we had a power outage. The other electrician on duty and I were responsible for getting the power back on. After following safety procedures we locked the power off and proceeded to fix the problem. When we were finishing up at the main bank. I was told by the senior electrician to attach a ground wire to the chain link fence and ground all the static electricity. He looked inside. He told me to go ahead and ground everything was fine. I touched the first two phases with no problems. Not knowing the switch was broken touching the last phase caused an explosion. The power grabbed me and held me for a few seconds. Then I was thrown against the chain link fence surrounding the switches. I was conscious through the whole ordeal. Landing on the ground I realized I was on fire. I started to run for the building and a nearby shower. The senior electrician who had not been hurt tripped me. I started to roll on the ground. My foreman who had walking to check on our progress. Began to put out the flames out with his hands. When he stopped I looked down and saw the skin covering my chest was almost completely gone. I could see my feet. However, the bottoms of my shoes were gone. He proceeded to tell me everything was going to be fine. As he was talking a close friend of mine appeared over his left shoulder. He had been a military jet navigator who died three years earlier and a plane crash. Mike was in his flight suit. He told me he was there to help me make the transformation. I told him I wasn't ready to go yet. He encourage me by telling me how wonderful it was. I was steadfast. I didn't want to go. The reason was my father had died when I was four. At that time my twins were four. Then as suddenly as Mike appeared, my good friend was gone. Suddenly appearing to my right came this wonderful ball of white light. From the light three figured appeared. Dressed completely in white robes there were ropes of gold around their waists. Instantly, my life passed before me. All the good and also the bad. I could not see the faces of the three figures. Again, I said I wanted to stay with my children. I wanted to have the opportunity to watch my kids grow. That was something I was denied. I was raised by a very abusive stepfather, I didn't want that to happen again. Then mentally I was told I must do three things. If I agreed I would be able to watch them grow. 1ST- I was to walk through the valley of death. That was the 11 weeks in the intensive care burn Center. 2nd- I was to bare the scars and pain of the injury for the rest of my life. I have done that. Finally, I was to profess to the world my story and to the fact there is truly life after death. The figures asked me if I was willing to accept these terms, I agreed and the light was gone. I was looking in my foreman's face as he was telling me I was going to be alright. I looked directly into his eyes and told him I knew I would be. it was summer time and I was at a church swimming party and cook out. we where all in the pool playing I was on a raft hanging on the side of the pool. one of the ladies called out food is ready everybody was getting out of the pool when one kid thought it would be funny to toss me off the raft as he got out of the pool. as I was tossed off the raft, I tried to stay to the side of the pool and to stay above the water but panic soon set in. as the panicking gets worse I start to go under. as I go under I cant get back to the surface of the water. I soon start to scream for help not even realizing that i'm under water. I soon start to breath in water then darkness comes. when i'm wake from the darkness I look around as if nothing happened until I see that i'm floating. I look down and see a boy face down floating in the water with no movement, no life, not even realizing at the time that i'm looking at my self. then everything goes black but i'm aware somehow. then this light slowly engulfs everything. as this is happening, I feel a warmth, love ,and peace that words are hard to describe. I then here a voice that tells me that its not my time yet and I must go back. I then wake up leaning over a rocking chair throwing up water wanting to go back to where I had just come from. I then passed out and woke up in the hospital connected to pumps and life support. as I lie in bed my dad was there the whole time and never left my side. I asked him who is the man at the foot of my bed but they told me nobody was there - but the man stayed there until the day I left the hospital. it's like he disappeared. the person who gave me mouth to mouth and chest compressions was a boy scout around 10 to 12 years of age. the whole drowning was published in the daily Oklahoman and my family and the boy scouts family was invited to the state capitol from the governor. the governor gave the boy scout an award and me free swimming lessons but I never learned to until 28 years of age by the U.S. NAVY SEALS instructors. the boy scout now works for the Oklahoma city fire department. since the accident I feel like I see life and everything different from everybody else. i also feel like I'm searching for something but don't know what. I have felt this way since the accident. but still searching don't know if I will ever find it here in this world. god bless everyone I was 10 years old and at our family cabin up north in Michigan. It was a sunny summer day and I was wading in the river at chest level when suddenly there was no bottom and I went under the water still standing straight up with my eyes open. I can still remember the water moving me at 3-4 miles an hour to the right. The last thing I remember in the water was thinking how clear the water was. At this time I did not know how to swim. I thought this was it. The next thing I remember is coming into this clear white light. It was all around me. I could see it in front, and sides but I knew it was behind me too. Then I realized that I was this white light too. I was a separate entity but the same as the light. Then I felt a presence from the light and all my fear was taken from me and I knew that I was going to be alright. I felt this total love and acceptance of me from this light and I felt I knew this light very well and trusted it completely. There was no judgment of any of my actions or life review maybe because I was only 10. I was told that you are here to learn how to love and to gain knowledge. When this was said, not by words but by thoughts, every connotation of the words love and knowledge were shown to me. I knew it was not just talking about book knowledge or physical love. It meant that I was here on earth to learn how to accept every race and have no prejudice, that I was to keep expanding and learning about the earth, nature, animals and people. I felt that this was the mission of all mankind not just me. As an adult I ran a business where 80% of my clients were foreign. I didn't realize that I was living the exact life I was told I would lead, working with all different cultures and constantly gaining knowledge. I guess the experience I had was a gentle reminder of what I had signed up for in this life. There was also no time over there. I couldn't tell you how long I was out of my body, seconds, minutes, hours, everything was now. I knew I was going back to my body. There was no discussion about that. I knew I had a lot to learn in this life. I don't know how I got back in my body or how I got out of the water. All I can figure is that I must have hit a shallow area and was able to stand up and get out. I think there is a big mental block there once I came back to my body and my mind even today won't remember it. When you are 10 years old and fighting for your life in a river I can see why that would happen. As I stated in a previous answer I was under going surgery to correct a series of SVTs I was having (Super Ventricular Tachycardia a form of severe abnormal heart rhythms). During the procedure they routine shock, stop, and restart your heart. They don't give you normal anesthesia as it interferes with the heart rhythms. So during the 6 hours that I was in the procedure I was on some sort of mild sedative that would put me out at times, unfortunately the drugs never complete knock you out, and you drift in out of consciousness many many times during the operation. At one point I remember coming to and begging for water with the nurse, trying to suppress panic. I don’t think my throat could ever have been that dry, I literally didn’t think I could breath. They test your heart, trying to stress it by putting you under 12 inch blankets heated blankets. Then when you are under these blankets they give you a shot of heart stimulant, some type of adrenaline I think. I remember the doctor telling me afterwards that they had gotten my heart beat up 250 beats per minute! That is such a high number when look back and recall that the best I could do on a full cardiac stress test on a treadmill at high incline was 190 beats a minute. They would also shock my heart viciously at times via these catheters they hand put in the arteries in my neck and groin area. They burned my heart in a small area about the size of a quarter 32 times then they would shock and crank up my heart to test me, the idea is that they try to burn out the abnormal muscle pathways on the surface of your heart that lead to the abnormal rhythms. I think it was towards the end of the operation that is all happened. I remember coming to and hearing some sort of conversation in the background, but I’ll never be certain what they were saying, I was under the blankets again burning up, parched beyond words, with a my heart just jumping out of my chest because they had given it drugs to speed up. I heard someone in the control room yell to the nurse and tell them to give me a shot to slow it back down to normal. Then it just stopped beating, I don’t remember much in this world after that. I heard someone shout, and then blackness total darkness. I wasn’t even aware of it at first, but then I could feel the loneliness the isolation and the cold of the darkness. I don’t know how long that lasted because time just didn’t seem to matter, but then I felt warm and felt a light, not saw one, it just grew brighter and more intense filling every bit of my being. It was very bright, crisp white, and it spoke to me, but not with words. The light ran through me, it was me, and when it spoke it was as if you understood the light not the words. You could feel it to, not like you feel bright hot sun, but you could just feel the light. I don’t know how long it all lasted, but then it parted. I remember being pushed back to the darkness and then being the cold for a while. Then all of sudden I was aware of huge shocks that were going threw my body as they shocked me on the table with these huge pads they had attached to my back in the surgery prep to restart my heart if it failed. I think I tried to look over and say something to the nurse and that is all I remember. They pumped me full of some more drugs. I remember waking in the hospital with a sense of purpose knowing what I was going to do. The light has infused me with a vision of what it wanted me to communicate with others; I spent the next year writing a book called The Ithon. Sometimes I can’t believe what I wrote, other times it scares me. The longer I stay in he world and the farther the light seems the more scared I am of what the light has given me to do in the world. I remember that day as if it were today that I reached the Light. It is so clear in my memory as if it happened this very morning. I recollect hearing my mother and my aunt crying, and Pepe, the training doctor saying that if I did not improve that there was nothing else they could do. And suddenly ¿do you know what happened? It was frightening. I saw the ceiling of the room falling on top of me and I remember putting my hands before me in order to avoid impact but I suddenly realized that it was not the roof falling on me, but that I was leaving my body. I saw myself lying on bed, with my eyes closed and my mother and my aunt crying saying that I could not be dead. Pepe said that he was sorry, but that there was nothing else he could do for me and I remember I was saying: Mother, aunt, do not cry, I am well, can’t you see it? I am well, please look at me, I am here, I am fine, don’t cry, don’t cry I am well, but please listen to me, don’t you hear me? Realizing that none of them heard me, I saw a beautiful white light similar to a beautiful sunshine, but that light did not glare. On the contrary I perceived a peace I cannot express with words. I will not be able to define the sensation in feeling like this. You feel nothing, no cold, no warm, no weight, no pain, no happiness no sadness, it cannot be explained, this is something you have to live to know how it feels. I felt so good that I decided to walk in and find someone to tell my mother and my aunt to stop suffering, that I was very well, that they were not to cry for me as it hurt me to see them cry and that I did not want them to cry. I wanted them to see that I was very well. When getting to the light I saw a man who radiated peace and tranquility, but when I was next to him, he stopped me and said, “no, you cannot come in, your time is not now yet, get back you still have to fulfill your mission in earth.” I don’t know how, but I went back. I remember I woke up in bed and Pepe said it was a miracle since it was more than one hour since the cardiac arrest; I don’t know how I came back but I won't forget the sensation even if I live to a hundred years, I will never forget it. I woke in the night of 12 28 04 with what I thought was a routine asthma attack. I reached for my inhaler and took a puff. I could feel that the meds didn't work, so I prepped and used my nebulizer again with no relief. I could “feel” that this was different and that it was bad. I told my wife to call 911 and as she did I stopped breathing. I could not get air into my body and believe me I tried. I went into a death throw. I could feel myself thrashing but it was this other feeling that I was most concerned about. There was this overwhelming feeling of energy coming over my entire body. I tried to fight it off with will power, but it kept coming stronger and stronger and stronger and finally I couldn't keep it at bay any longer. I remember thinking to myself “I just can't do it anymore” Then as soon as I thought it POP! This stillness came over me and my thoughts, I wasn't scared anymore. It was insanely quiet and I realized that I was still there and standing no less (which was impossible due to the fact that I just collapsed backwards a few minutes earlier) and then it dawned on me that I had just passed on. WOW! I am still thinking and seeing and I am really here I am really dead and I am really awake. Everything was bright with this gold reflection from a light that I couldn't identify. I had the distinct feeling of being a sound wave and rippling outward, but only so far. I remember thinking that I was tilted as though I was on an axis. I woke 2 days later with a vivid memory. I accidentally took some drugs that I thought were sleeping pills but they were a hard narcotics. As I was laying down I fell into a very deep sleep type trance I felt my spirit leave my body. I rose to the top of the room and looked back at my body lying on my bed. Then my spirit went through the roof. I could see the top of my house. I went into space I could see the earth turning and the galaxies in the heavens. A presence engulfed my spirit. I felt at the time that it was God. He let me know that I could stay there or I could return to my body. I was young and in love so I returned but I can say it was the most wonderful feeling. Hopefully, someday I will return to the spirit in the Heavens. While cleaning house, a leaded glass window encased in an oak frame (24×18” and about 20 lbs) fell off the mantel an whacked me on the head. I remember catching a glimpse of it coming toward me and the impact as it drove me to my knees. The first moment was of incredible pain and then no pain as I separated from my body. Now, I was a Ph.D. research biophysics and electron microscopy; fully immersed in science and research on the ultra-structure of cell pathology in organisms exposed to environmental pollutants. I had no spiritual beliefs, no belief in an afterlife, God or any religion. I had never heard of near death experiences nor had any interest in what I would have called fantasy. I was not thinking about any of this as I whizzed down a long dark tunnel toward a light that was drawing me to itself. I was not thinking about anything at all, nor was I afraid. I was just there with all this happening so fast. I remember slowing down, without my choice, at the entrance to the lighted place and amazed to discover my mother and grandmother standing to the right and greeting me with so much love. They communicated to me in some way, certainly without words or hearing, but clearly inside my mind. I was astonished to see them healthy and middle aged, happy and so full of love and recognition for me. I would take any blow on the head to have had the assurance of their consciousness. What a gift. I then passed into the place of light: rolling hills, grass, flowers, blue skies and vibrant with color. What amazed me was the intensity, brilliance, and clarity of the color and that it seemed to be emitted from within each aspect of the landscape. The grass glowed green. It was so beautiful. It was so very beautiful. Suddenly I was in the presence of a Being of Light. I could not see the face, could communicate, but not in words or pictures even; in some connection of oneness. I experience that connection in meditation frequently, but I cannot explain it very precisely. It is beyond words and other kinds of experiences. The emotions are always enhanced. I feel joy so deep that my whole self leaps with gratitude; I feel peace; I feel awe and belonging. I did not have a specific life review, but felt everything about me and my life was known, understood and not judged. I was profoundly loved. It seemed that I was there forever in the Presence. Without discussion or warning, I was suddenly back in my body with a very sore head. A mat of dried blood was all over my hair and I was really woozy. My physician's service asked if I had lost consciousness and I said no. How dumb! So I went to bed propped up on pillows because it hurt too much to lay prone. This was Friday night. My Monday when I returned to the lab and work, a colleague took one look at me and hustled me off to his doctor. I had not been in Seattle all that long, as only had an ob/gyn, not a family physician. After a CT scan, neurological testing (I had no toe curl response on one side, was very wobbly) I was sent to bed and asked to not work for several weeks. The hematoma on my brain was small enough to not require surgery, the gash on my skull was sealed by now. As the doc said: “We would have stitched that for you, had you come in earlier.” So I had the first time in my life of being by myself without some external busy-ness. the images and feelings of the NDE kept coming back to me. As I recovered and was up and about, I wandered into Elliott Bay Book Store. Ray Moody's first book about near death experiences “Life After Life” seemed to hop off the shelf into my hands. I read much of the book, maybe even all of it, standing there, astonished. He described case after case of similar experiences. I could not discount what happened to me, the visions I saw. Then I was launched on an exploration of consciousness and expanded reality that continues to this day. After years of meditation, learning, meeting teachers and people who had similar experiences, I had a vision that called me to healing. In 1984 I turned the lab over to one of my assistants and left to pursue a life of counseling, studying spiritual traditions in shamanic cultures, and facilitating spiritual aspects of healing. Now I continue private sessions, teach, present seminars, and have published my first book to make the information I gained available to anyone. I was in a motorcycle accident and flew from the back of a motorcycle head first into a bumper of a car. I left my body and went through a cloud and came to a wall with electrical currents going back and forth on the top. I was beginning to wonder where I was at when my Grandpap appeared in front of me. I recognized him immediately and he informed me that I could either stay there or go back and be with my family, it was up to me. He told me this several times and said that he was the only one I knew there but I was welcomed to stay or go back and be with my family. I chose to go back and be with my family and he said that was my choice and that he loved me. I remember coming back down through the clouds and coming upon an accident where there were a bunch of people surrounding someone all bloodied up on the ground and thinking Bummer. I awoke in the hospital three weeks later and was informed I had been in a motorcycle accident and that a neighbor had performed CPR and Mouth to Mouth Resuscitation on me the day of the accident. Apparently he checked my pulse and breathing and saw I had neither and performed them on me to bring me back. I remained conscious during the dog attack, and the dog's owner carrying me across the street to my father, who was getting ready to go to work on the night shift as an engineer. My father blanched when he saw me and ran with me next door to the neighbors who were my sitters, and they packed towels over my face which was gushing blood and drove us to the hospital. I was concerned about the drive to the hospital, telling my father that we should not be driving through red lights. My father carried me into the emergency dept calling for help. My mother was a nurse in the same hospital, and she was at work upstairs on another floor. I was lying on the gurney on my back, my feet pointed towards the sliding glass doors. The emergency room was painted in a “French mint” color, and the floors were a beige and speckled linoleum. The doctors were all around me, and a nurse was cutting my brown corduroy pants and orange turtleneck off my body. I was embarrassed. The next thing I knew, I was hearing their voices muffled, like I was underwater, or the way your hearing is distorted when you hold your hands cupped over your ears, and I started to rise up out of my body. I moved up about 8 feet overhead, and was looking down at the scene below me. Everyone was running around frantically, and my father was seated at my left, crying. I turned to look over my right shoulder, and moved effortlessly to the far corner of the room, hovering near the ceiling. I could feel that I had all of my limbs, but I had no body. I looked down to my hand, and could sense it, but it was not solid. I felt a being beside me and slightly behind me. This being seemed female and like an older woman, but I had not lost any family members that I knew, so I do not know who she was. I could feel her holding me, supporting me cuplike.. arms around me and under my knees, like being in a baby swing, so that I didn't feel any sense of being unstable. (I am afraid of heights, especially of falling). I was aware that there was a lot of commotion over by the gurney, but I wasn't recognizing the body on the gurney as myself. I felt peaceful and completely comfortable. The temperature was perfect, I felt bathed in warmth and love. There was no fear, no pain, just great joy. There was whiteness all around me. There were no features of any kind, just bright, clear whiteness that sparkled and didn't hurt my eyes at all. It was beautiful. I became aware of a second being moving towards me. This being was very bright and sparkled, but I could not see facial features, and that didn't bother me at all, it seemed perfectly acceptable. There was waves of love swirling all around me. I sensed the being speaking to me in my head. He asked if I wanted to go with “him” into the light. I asked if Mommy and Daddy and Teri (my little sister) could come with me. He said no, I had to go alone. I felt distressed and said I was just a little girl, and I could not leave my Daddy. So he told me that I had to go back. I heard a whooshing, and felt shot back towards my body, through a tunnel extremely quickly. I was back in my body, looking up at the ceiling again, and feeling the hard gurney crinkling underneath me. And I had to pee. My mother burst through the doors in her nurses whites and ran to my side. I told her I was sorry that my clothes were ruined, that the nurses had cut them off. According to my parents, I told everyone around me for a couple of weeks what had happened. Nurses, doctors, orderlies, everyone who came near me, until my father told me that it wasn't polite, and I should stop telling people. I remember feeling confused and embarrassed that I was not allowed to tell anyone that I had been to Heaven. I was living in Egypt at that time, working with a film crew. We often went riding in the desert. On this day, I was given a horse that I had never ridden. (I had a bad feeling not to ride this one, but ignored my feelings.) We were out in the desert in unfamiliar territory when she became spooked and ran way with me. I could not bring her to a stop and she continued racing over the desert. The last thing I remember seeing was a huge ditch that I knew she would not be able to jump across. The next thing I remember was saying “I cannot breathe…” And then darkness. I was high above my body looking down when I next became aware. There were people around me. I did not care to return and turned around. At this time, I seemed so light and happy and could actually look down at the Sphinx below! I then saw another level of existence opening up, sort of like the scene from the movie “Ghost”. There were many beings who had come to meet me.( I was astounded when I saw “Ghost” after I returned to the States…it was really like that!) I was told that I could either come or go back, but that I would suffer great pain if I did. I remember making a choice, as I thought there was something else I needed to accomplish in this life. I became aware of being in a van, and the film crew crying and calling out my name. The producer was gently slapping my face and trying to communicate with me. I was trying to open my eyes or move my hand but found that I could not do either, but I could hear them crying. (I have a sense of humor and remember thinking “the brain is just like a computer…it is down…”) I then went into a comfort zone of soft darkness and remained there. I wondered if this was the state of death, it was so peaceful and womblike. Then I heard the doctor say: “She has suffered a severe concussion. We do not know if she will live through the night.” More crying…was heard. I wanted to laugh and tell them I had already made up my mind not to die and wanted to tease them, but could not get the body to respond. I 'came to' sometime during the early morning with the worst headache I have ever had. They would not give me anything for the pain, as they were afraid it would send me into another coma. I had extremely hightened awarness and seemed to sense the higher being in every person who came into the room. Sort of like seeing an angel in everyone, or their higher being. It was beautiful. I was filled with so much love for humanity. I no longer have a fear of death. I had my daughter at 12:07 pm. At 2:00pm I looked at the clock knowing it was time to bring my daughter in for me to see. The nurse came in and as I looked at the clock, I told her, I am sick. The nurse just took off running. Thats all I remember until, I heard the nurses say her blood pressure is 60/40 then 40/20. I saw them crying. I saw the doctor come in , he had regular shoes on and clothes, he had on brown shoes with snow on his shoes. It was not snowing when I got to the hospital, and I had no idea it was snowing. I started going thru what looked like a tunnel, with a bright light at the end. I heard a voice say teri, open your eyes. I kept saying I can't. I could hear water dripping. I heard a voice said open your eyes or you will die. The doctors and nurses called me theresa, my nickname is teri and I had never told them that. When I finally opened my eyes, the doctor was standing over me taking his fist and hitting me in the stomach. I looked at the doctor and told him, “i know where it's at.” I pushed out what looked like a big blood clot. The doctor, stood in shock. The water dripping sound I heard was blood hitting the floor. I lost about 3pints of blood. I was in the hospital for 5 days. The doctor told me he was going to send the clot off, he thought it was a twin that never developed, never found out what it was. I had just turned 17 yrs old and I had never heard of near death experience. The doctor came in the next day and wrote down everything I had to say. He was amazed that I knew everything they were saying. I told him about his boots having snow on them…ECT. I was having difficulty breathing. There was a doctor to my left and two nurses with him. He was injecting my IV and asking me why I couldn't breath. I was now lying flat on my back looking at the ceiling. I had oxygen on my face and it was becoming more and more difficult to breath. Other nurses have now entered my room and one is to my left and she takes off my oxygen and holds that thing on me with the big blue ball type thing and she is yelling at me to breath saying “don't do this” as she says my name. I look up at the ceiling and suddenly I knew I was going and it was ok. For a moment in time, everything seem to freeze. My entire body just froze maybe it was for a second. And then the most amazing, most incredible feeling, if you can call it that had come over me. I want to try and explain this feeling. There was no negativity at all. None. No longing. No missing anyone. It was pure. If there is pure love, I had touched it. I was still totally alive although my body was not. My spirit was as vibrant as it is right now, maybe more so. I could see that one nurse trying so hard to get me to breath. Then I heard the heart alarm go off.. I knew I wasn't alone. It had to have been only seconds and I felt something pull me back. What made this experience so life altering is I felt so guilty afterwards because once I came back, I didn't want to be here. I didn't miss my children. I wanted to stay where I was. So I find myself to this day searching for this “love” which I fear I will never find. I was eight years old and growing up in the suburbs of Los Angeles, in the San Gabriel Valley in a town called El Monte. I was riding my bike one day with my best friend, Felix, along a busy street. I was on the right side of the road, going with the flow of traffic. My friend was on the opposite side, riding in the same direction. I needed to cross the street to join him, so I looked over my shoulder to watch for oncoming cars. Because of the curve in the road, I couldn't see much more than 100 feet. The speed limit on this road was 40mph, but people often drove much faster than that, so I knew that I didn't have enough sight distance to safely cross. I realized that Felix would be able to see further than I could, so I called out to him, “Hey! See any cars coming?” He looked back, shook his head and said, “All clear!”. I veered sharply to the left to cross. The last thing I remember was the sound of screeching tires, looking over my shoulder and seeing the front end of a 1962 Chevy Impala not more than ten feet away. Bluegrey smoke was coming up from the sides as the brakes locked up the tires. The next thing I remember was the sensation of floating about 20 feet up in the air. I looked down and saw some kid laying in the middle of the road. He looked familiar. He was laying there spread-eagled, left leg was at a funny angle, his clothes were ripped and bloody, he wasn't breathing. I felt a strange sense of calm and detachment, as if the horrible scene below me really wasn't important. I watched as several people ran up to the boy. One of them started breathing into his mouth. I could hear him speaking with two voices. “That's odd”, I thought to myself. I heard him say, “call an ambulance, he's not breathing!”. I could also hear him say, “Oh my god, oh my god, don't die on me!” at the same time. I realized that he was thinking this, not saying it. I could hear others thinking as well, yet I could make out everything they all were saying/thinking at the same time and still being able to understand all of it. I watched this scene for what seemed like about a minute, than I noticed a bright light shining above me. I looked up and saw light streaming out of what looked like a pinhole in the sky. The hole was slowly getting bigger. I could see that it kind of distorted things around it, like a lens bending light. The light was like Mother-Of-Pearl in color, with streaks of blue, pink, green, and yellow/gold. It was very beautiful and very bright, yet I could see it clearly. Not like looking at the light from the sun, which can be uncomfortable. I started to hear a buzzing sound that quickly became very loud. As the sound increased, the hole above me got bigger, the light got brighter, and I felt myself being pulled up towards it. I felt as if I was being squeezed through an opening that was too small for me. The buzzing sound became a whooshing roar as I entered the hole, with a doppler-like effect as I passed through it. The sensation was like speeding down a tunnel at light speed, not unlike the “warp” effect you see in movies. I wasn't alone in there, either. I felt the presence of others, but I couldn't see them. I passed through some kind of dividing line, a barrier of sorts, hard to describe. I was surrounded by light. misty shapes began to form as looked around. at first they were just moving swirls of light, but they soon took the shape of human forms. There were a lot of them around me. I heard soft whispering coming from them, like a crowd murmuring and talking among themselves. From this crowd, three shapes came forward and approached me. As they drew near, I could make out them out better, like they were slightly out of focus and my eyes were adjusting. They were tall and slender, wearing what looked like flowing robes. One of them was wearing a beard. They all had long, shoulder-length hair. One of them spoke to me. “You're not supposed to be here, yet. You have to go back. You know what you agreed to.”, he said. I told him that I didn't want to go back. I liked it here, it felt like home. I felt like they were amused by my response. “You must go back, you have work to do. We'll send you back, soon.” I looked around me at the crowd. I saw familiar faces. These were friends, family, enemies, people I had known before, but I couldn't remember from where or when. Some of them I knew I had known for a very long time. Many lives, many places, many times. I flashed on visions from those lives and events. There was a kind of continuity and connectiveness about all of it, a sense of purpose and order that spanned the centuries. I looked back at the three people in front of me. These people were ancient. I don't know how I knew that, but I knew that they were “old souls” who watched over my group. We all had “sprung” from them, like children, each going their way yet connected to the source. I felt nothing like judgment of our actions from them. If anything, I felt a kind of amused benevolence from them, like parents watching their children playing. Even at the really bad things we did in our lives, there was no judgment. The one with the beard spoke to me. “You can ask questions. We will answer them and you will remember. It is important that you do this.” My first question was “Is this heaven?”. “It can be, if that's what you want. It can be Hell, as well, if that's what you believe. This reality is an extension of you, instantly realized and formed. You always create your own reality, no matter where you find yourself, for we are all co-creators.” “Where is God? I don't see him.” I asked. They became visibly amused, like they were snickering at my question under their breath. “How can you see that which you are yourself a part of? We are all expressions of God. When you see with your eyes, you see through the eyes of God and he experiences reality through yours. When you speak to God, you speak to yourself. We are one and the same, there is no division or separation. You can no more 'see' God than your hand can see you, for it is a part of you and functions because of you and for your purposes, as well as it's own. There is no separation. Any that seems to exist is an illusion. The light that surrounds us here is God. It is our source of being and is given freely to all.” Next question. “Why do I feel like this is home?”. Because it is home. All begin here and return here. It is the starting point for all journeys and lessons.” A strange question. I still don't know why I asked it, but at the time it seemed relevent. “When I come back again, can I stay?”. I got an even stranger answer. “We don't think you'll want to stay long, you never do. You love your lessons, especially the hard ones. You can do as you please, it's your choice.” This went on for what seemed like an hour. I asked a total of 15 questions that covered a wide variety of topics and ideas. I'll discuss some of these ideas upon request. Some of them I would rather not discuss. They're either of a very personal nature, things most of us aren't ready to hear, or things I'm not supposed to talk about yet. One day, I'll maybe write a book about it. After the last question, I was told it was time to go back. I still didn't want to go back, but because of what I knew, I didn't argue the point. I don't remember any kind of specific event that got me there, but I suddenly found myself in an ambulance. I felt a terrible rush of pain throughout my whole body. I felt like I was choking. There was a tube in my throat. I smelled and tasted blood. I looked over at the attendant sitting next to me and I got hit with a very strong sense of deja vu. It was a memory of a dream I had a couple of days before. This very scene was in it. I remember one thing that really stood out. Two words… “I remember” I lived in La Mirada, California when I was 11. One day I decided to go out to ride my pink bike as I always did on sunny days. I rode up the sidewalk for a bit and then decided to cross the street. There were a lot of cars parked along the side of the road so I just picked one of the driveways to zip across the street. I looked out to see if there were any cars coming even though there were parked cars that obstructed my vision. I edged a bit to the end of the driveway then started to dart across the street. As I got into the street I saw out of my left eye, an approaching car. I tried to peddle faster, but everything seemed only to go in slow motion. The harder I tried to peddle the slower it seemed. All of a sudden I was struck by this large car. The male driver was going 75 miles an hour in a pedestrian area. He also had been drinking. I got hit by the front left side of the car, thrown over the car then landed on my back. I don't seem to remember the impact at all - even today. The next thing I can tell you is that I remember feeling warmth and serenity throughout my body after feeling these two large hands enclose my entire body. I could feel the length of these large fingers moving under and over my body as I was being scooped up. As I was raised up into the sky I felt the warmth and love from these hands. I was then put on this cloud and was kneeling and looking around. It was white all around me (yet it didn't hurt my eyes). the light certainly was not man made. That’s what the surroundings looked like to me. The clouds were so incredibly white, and this incredible comfortable aroma I smelled. I remember looking around the light and thinking – I like it here, I felt for the first time what unconditional love was. Although I had not known it, I felt it. I then looked down at my dad saying “I was alright”. It did not really phase me to much that I was looking at the doctor pumping on my chest either, it was as if I was an observer with no judgment. I then saw a more incredible bright light all around me, feeling this incredible warmth and security. I was amazed by the light and how it did not hurt my eyes, it’s as if I could not get enough of it. I thought the smells were of something like being out in the country after a spring rain, mixed with homemade bread, and sweet flowers. I could see everyone crowding around as the doctor pumped my chest. I felt as if I was up above for some time. A spirit came up behind me as I was looking down at the confusion. I was very glad that I was not down there. I was in a safe place and I wanted to stay. The spirit put his hand on my left shoulder and said to me in a males voice “you half to go back”. I did not turn around I just thought “I do not want to I like it here“. He then repeated “you half to go back”. Then he pressed his hand a bit firmer on my shoulder and said “you will feel no pain”. there was no question in my mind, I knew I could not stay. All of a sudden I then felt the ground on my legs, opened my eyes, looked up, and knew I was at peace, and all would be ok. I did not know for how long – I just knew I was protected. The accident created a broken pelvis, leg fracture, and scrapes on my toes. After I got to the hospital I was put in a contraction. I would be in this for a while, then into a body cast for about a year or so. The doctor said there was a possibility I would not walk again, although I did many months later. I had to struggle through my recovery by myself quite a bit, and I knew water therapy was part of my future towards healing and getting the complete feeling into my legs again. I can tell you absolutely I never felt any pain after that accident and into the day I recovered and was walking again. I never had an itchy body cast. I do remember this certain feeling that I will try to describe as well as possible. After I had been walking for a while I had been noticing these moments of feeling ompletely loved as I had never felt in my life. The exact feeling I had when I was in the clouds. This feeling that ran through my body was as if someone zapped me with this incredible energy and I felt this unconditionally loved. As if nothing was wrong with me at all – absolutely nothing. These moments came and went now and then for several years after my healing. Eventually they drifted away, but I can still remember the memory of the lovely feeling, but not the actual feeling anymore. Then I noticed I started to see accidents before they happened. Right after I saw an accident, seconds later it would happen – with me on the road around it all. After a few times it happened I just started pulling over after I would get the flash of an accident. I would get these experiences 2-3 times a month. Now at the age of 55 I don’t see car accidents anymore, but now I sometimes see people’s auras as they walk into a room (colored light around them). I can feel people’s presence, especially a person meaning harm. I also have left my body when I am asleep, which I did not believe in, until I ended up going to these places that I dreamt about. I knew I was spiritually there recently. Although the recovery process was lengthy I believe God gave me that extra sight and the prediction’s to further my belief in God and spirituality. I have seen spirits in my home though, just a few, kind of creepy, and a bit scary. I believe that there are spirits out there, but I don't want to see them. I do ask myself sometimes if all these odd things happening to me all these years are from that accident when I died. While I am still alive I will always have questions. It was a clear sunny day on a late spring if I'm not mistaken and I went with my father in the backyard of a school where he used to teach sports. He had a group of 8th grade students running around him in a circle, probably for warm-up and was focused at their activity and didn't worry about me as I was about 20 meters away from the circle playing. All of a sudden I decided to go to my daddy as I got bored of being by myself and started towards the group searching for him (everybody seemed so tall at that time as I was only five) but the kids obstructed my sight of him for several seconds with their “giant” bodies so that it was a little harder than I'd have expected. Nevertheless a few moments later I managed to spot him which made me so happy that I simply decided to run to him as fast as I could. It was a terrible mistake because in doing so because a boy accidentally collided with me while attempting to enter the circle. I fell on the right hand side as the students rushed from the left and hit my head severely. There was no pain whatsoever except for a very short moment when had the unpleasant feeling of being forced to the ground in a somewhat brutal way. Immediately after the impact I saw an extremely thick fog all around me that there was nothing I could distinguish in spite of the daylight. It only lasted for about 10 seconds but I can't be sure of it and then everything changed. This is where the unexplainable begins: suddenly my vision was perfect, my hearing also, but to me everything seemed to be normal. I saw my dad picking me up and carrying me on his arms to hospital which was pretty close to the school. He met a man on his way who asked what had happened, there were two school girls who came with us to the hospital, and then I don't remember anything else from that moment till I woke up as it's been over 20 years since. After actually being awake I could see my mother along with the two girls from school staring at me and talking worryingly about my accident. It was no big deal to me at that time but as time went on I asked myself a lot of questions as I remember clear things that occurred while I was in a coma. Hello. My name is Anthony M. and I have just had the single most horrific incident of my life. I was killed in a motorcycle accident, went over to the other side, met with my other family members who had already passed, met with Jesus, seen Heaven and, then was lucky enough to be allowed the opportunity to return home. This is the story of how things happened and how I was eventually “pushed “ to come back to this life instead of staying over there. The best way for me to describe my “crossing over” is to ask if you’ve ever been hit in the head hard enough to see a bright blue light. That bright blue light you see, if you’ve ever been hit in the nose or between the eyes – that light you see - that is the path to heaven. After the car hit me, which I didn’t even see coming, I felt an intense heat and that blue light was all around me – no matter where I looked. Then I felt an intense pain and heat all around by body. I didn’t know what was going on, or what to expect, so I just went along with it – after all – it was calling out to me. “Anthony you’re hurt really bad come this way…” So I did. I followed the blue light as it spiraled upward. The more I felt at ease following the light, the more the pain and intense heat went away. I followed the light upwards until I could no longer see anything below me. Then the path of light changed to steps. That is, I was no longer floating, but stationary on a single step the same color as the blue light. As I would walk up one, another would appear, then another, then another. I walked up the stairs until I could go no further. When I was about ten or fifteen feet from reaching the top, the steps of light were no longer generating new steps. That’s when I stopped and looked up. I saw a little white footbridge made up of stone with a wrought iron and darkly stained oak handrail. I looked up to the left of the bridge. That’s where my family was standing. My father, two sisters, grandmother and uncle. The center of the bridge was missing and the right side was completely empty. At this point, I tried talking to my family but it was if they could not hear me or did not want to hear me. They were all looking right through me at something they loved and admired behind and above me because they were all smiling and looking so peaceful and lovingly. It was so beautiful up there. No clouds, no trees, no dirt, no grass – just white. The brightest, purest white I have ever seen. It almost glowed. Beyond the bridge was a huge building. Made up of white stones with little square windows. At the time I didn’t know what to think, but now that I am back here and have had time to reflect – I think that maybe it was heaven itself. The first person to talk to me was my father. He said “Anthony! What are you doing up here?” I told him “I don’t know”. Then he said “Anthony, you know that jacket of mine?” I said yes. “Well, that wasn’t meant for you. It belongs to your brother. What would have happened if you were wearing that jacket when you had your accident?” I said “accident?” I really didn’t know what he was talking about because I didn’t know that anything had happened. Then my father showed me the leather jacket I was wearing when the car hit me. It was all cut up. Now I knew what he meant. If I was wearing his jacket at the time of the accident, then it too, would have been ruined. It was like my father could hear my thinking because he then said, “then where would your brother have been?” Again, I thought “without my father's jacket which meant so much to both of them.” My father said “you make sure you get that jacket back to your brother as soon as possible, it wasn’t meant for you…it was meant for him.” I said, “sure Dad, I’ll get it back to him as soon as possible.” Then just as I was about to speak to my sisters, this white, opalescent, glow surrounded them all. It looked so bright, so pure, like the kindest energy to be found. Then between the white shadow glow and their actual selves appeared another shadow, but this time made up of the purest, goldest, gold. I was in complete and udder awe. Words could not describe the terrific feeling I was wrapped up in. Like they were so lucky. I envied them.” Then I reached up to where my grandmother was standing and I tried to push back her hair. I wanted to see what was between the gold and bright, pure light. But as I reached for her hair, I felt her hand pushing mine away. I looked at her curiously as to say, “Gram? What are you doing? I miss you so much?” Then I tried again, and again, she pushed my hand away each time and said “Anthony…. you don’t want to look at that light…it’s not for you.” I was sort of dumbfounded. That’s when Norma, Audrey, Grammy and Uncle Carl started talking to me. They all said in unison “Anthony. It’s not your time. You have to go back. You have so much to live for. It’s just not your time – go back. I replied “but it hurts so much… I don’t think I can go back. Plus, I don’t know how to go back.” At that precise moment a sharp beam of light came down to my right – like a powerful halogen flashlight on a dark night. I looked up to find the source of the light and that’s when I seen Jesus floating down on top of the beam. He floated right down to me. Then he looked me right in the eye and said “So Anthony. What are you going to do?” I looked Jesus right in the eye and said, ”you mean I have a choice?” Jesus replied “of course you do. You were hurt pretty badly in an accident. Nobody would blame you if you stayed up here.” Then I thought “what will happen to those people down there I care so much about?” Then Jesus put his hand on my shoulder and turned me around and without saying anything told me to look down. I looked down and everybody I loved and cared about was standing all together looking so sad and lost. Then Jesus told me “this is what your death will do to the people you love.” And then he opened them up so I could also see their hearts. I could see my wife Ann, my mother Grace, my brothers Daren and Buvy, my sisters Christie and Diana. Their hearts were torn and pieces were dripping down. Jesus told me that their hearts were breaking. I also saw my stepchildren Nicholas and Danielle. Then Jesus said “this is what the future will be like without you in their lives.” I saw my mother with a sadness in heart that just wouldn’t leave. She was saying things like “why my special little baby?” Then I looked at Ann –she never left the house, she stopped eating, started smoking more and most importantly, she never dated or went out again. Then I saw Danielle. She was about twenty years old and was getting ready to walk down the aisle – with no one to give her away. She was so sad. She wanted a conventional wedding and she would have given anything for me to be there. To see her so pretty and so proud. She knew I would have liked her choice for a husband. A real man’s man just like I was. At that point, the choice was no longer hard – I knew I had to go back. Then, I started to hear the prayers of all the people that cared about me. My wife, Pauline Morin, My older neighbors, my mother, my in-laws, and my brothers and sisters. I could hear their thoughts and prayers as if they were right there with me. After I would hear a prayer, I would look around to see who was saying it. Once I recognized who it was, one of the steps would disappear and I would go down one step. Then I told Jesus “I would like to go back.” I really think Jesus approved of my decision because he said, “It’s not your time. I have bigger, better things planned for you.” Then I thought to myself “what about the pain? The recovery? Will I be myself?” Again, Jesus must have read my mind because he said, “No one is going to go through what you went through and go back mpty handed. I’m going to send you back with something.” So with his right hand, he grabbed my right hand. Then with his left hand, he placed it and cuddled the back of my head. All of my pain disappeared at that point and the second he placed his left hand behind my head, my feet rose up until I was almost at a 45-degree angle. We then began a downward descent that was as smooth as an escalator until we were directly over Maine Medical Center. Then, just like we were ghosts, we went down through the roof into the operating room where my doctor was performing surgery on my severely fractured skull and brain and then Jesus ever so gently glided and placed my spirit back into my body in one smooth movement. That is all I can remember. As the mask was placed on my face I could see medication being injected into the line on my arm. The next thing I knew t was dark and I was afraid. Suddenly I was shooting down a tunnel. There were golden lights shining so bright , like squares or a mesh all around, I was going so fast, yet knew I wouldn't crash into anything. I remember thinking to myself. “I'm in the matrix” (Why that word I don't know) “I'm dying” At the end I saw a bright light with a slightly darker circle in it. and my body began to slow down. Suddenly I was standing in front of a massive being an Angel I think. The beautiful white wings were stretched out.. It was so big I couldn't see the face or head. Suddenly the wings began to close around me and I heard a voice saying ” don't be afraid, we will hold you until it is all over. You are going to be alright. we will stay with you and hold you.“ As the wings closed around me I was filled with white light that made my heart soar. I wasn't afraid it seemed to envelope me completely . I felt so peaceful and unafraid so full of joy that I didn't want to leave. I don't remember anything else until I came to in ICU on the ventilator. I was at home with my daughter (she was 2and a half then) when I began to feel very weak and ill. I managed to gather enough strength to call my neighbor across to watch my daughter. As soon as she took my daughter from my arms she said I fell onto the bed and my eyes rolled up in my head. At first I felt like I was being drawn out of my body. Even though I was feeling like I was rising out of my body through my head, I was aware that my body was in the horizontal position. All pain and worry and every bad feeling was suddenly gone and I was content. I saw a large ship with a tall luminescent female-looking creature standing on it and drawing me towards the ship. I was going, when I thought to myself No! I must see my daughter grow up! and immediately was in my body again. I think I passed back into a dream afterwards with the same characters and settings but I new it was a dream as It did not feel the same and I was yearning for that feeling of contentedness again. Needless to say it has never happened again. I was in a car accident and I suffered a fractured skull in three places, when the police arrived I had lost all of my blood through my eyes, ears, nose and mouth, while lying in the road for over 45 minutes. This is when I experienced a feeling of comfort beyond any feeling that one could feel in the physical life. At that point it was black with small specs of light as stars appear. I noticed that I was not a physical being . I was instead a pin cushion of electric energy . I noticed to my right a similar being that felt so comforting to be with taking me on a determined path up and away from earth. Then is when this other being telepathically conveyed a feeling that is very difficult to put in words with the exception of one word witch was the word FACTORY. More or less it was, (don't feel incomplete or you will go back to the FACTORY) I looked down to the left and saw factory buildings with smoke stacks and conveyor belts. That is actually what the town consisted of that I was taken to where the hospital was. I did have a feeling that I was not complete in some way or another. That's when I was returned to my physical self. I was told that when I came back to life I then remained in a comma for three days. When I woke from the comma I was in intensive care for six weeks prior to being released from the hospital. I was pronounced dead at the scene of the accident by the police which I failed to mention at the beginning. I heard and saw the doctor giving me too much anesthesia and the surgeon saying “damn it, you gave her too much, you killed her”. immediately I was in a black velvet tunnel. It was pitch black, but soft like velvet. the noise was like 1000 trains going by at one time, I was in the middle of the noise, it was horrible, seemed to go on forever Then I was like pushed out into more black velvet, they on the right side of the tunnel I saw answers to equations in Algebra that I had trouble with in high school, written in bright neon lights. And a few other things written, I don't know if it meant anything. I have always loved neon signs. As the writing went on, this loving most kind all encompassing voice said “Judi, none of those things really mattered. You have all you need. He just assured me that I was not stupid, was not “slow” as I was called by my family. He said what I was doing was more important. He explained that because my sister and ex-husband were educated better than I, did not mean I was not even more educated on things of the Lord. I was in such peace, the Lord laughed, not at me, but somehow with me. I just knew he was conveying to me that I had a purpose for HIM…………………………it seemed I was in that place for hours and hours. I have never before or since felt such peace and freedom, not ever. They, I saw a brilliant light. Brighter than looking directly into the sun. There was a soft blue color here and there. they I felt as through two giant hands cradled me and was giving me a choice of staying or going back. I remember being heartbroken even thinking about leaving that place. Then he said “I need you to raise your two sons”. (I only had one son at the time)… I remember the sadness of wanting to be obedient to the Lord and come back. His love allowed me to make the choice of coming back. Next all I know was that I was in the recovery room, with nurses and doctors checking me. At that time I was a single mother of a daughter who was eight eight years old, trying to make a living anyway I could. I was working one full time job and two part-time jobs. While working one of the part-time jobs as a clerk in a convenience store, one of my duties was to sweep the sidewalk and parking lot and that was what I was doing on this night around 9:00 p.m. The store I worked in sat to the side of Hwy 231 which was a four lane highway with lots of traffic, outside the city limits. Out of the night, a car came fast and furious from Hwy. 231, swerving around the gas pumps and headed right at me. I felt like I had time to get out of the way and thinking surely they would stop soon as they were bearing down on me. But they didn't stop and no matter which way I ran the car kept coming. The impact happened so fast, only the concrete wall of the store stopped the car with me pinned between. In my position, bent over the hood of the car, I could see the female driver and listened in disbelief as she screamed over and over, “Why me?” The male passenger was trying to push her from behind the wheel and ended up dumping her bottom first onto the parking lot after I kept repeating to get the car off me. I couldn't move and very surprised to not be feeling anything, until the car was slowly reversed away. Then the most awful pain flooded all throughout my broken body. I could not stand and just kept following the car as I laid across the hood. Then I threw up my left arm, kind of like in an arc, so that it laid beside me. There was not much left to my left hand and from seeing that and the overwhelming pain, I passed out. I came to when the two idiots had drug me inside and dumped me on the counter. The pain was unbearable, but I fought to not loose consciousness again. Even though I pleaded with them to get me help, they refused. I could see that they were not in their right minds and later learned that they confessed to “drinking and doing drugs for two day.” In essence they told me I was going to die but they would not let me die alone. They held me hostage for roughly forty-five minutes before a passer-by called the law and they could get there to get help for me. I kept telling myself that I was going to live long enough to tell the authorities what they had done and kept fighting to hold onto life. True to my thoughts, I gave the lawmen my story, while the EMT's were working on broken bones and tried to stop the bleeding. Once inside the ambulance, I begged for pain killers, only to be told “no” since I had lost consciousness. I hurt so bad and I was so tired, I quit answering their questions and closed my eyes. I was ready to give up. It seemed as though time was standing still but at the same time going by real fast. I don't know how, but slowly, I felt myself floating in total darkness. The darkness brought me relief from pain and I could no longer feel my earthly body. I floated in darkness that oddly felt comforting. No sound, no light, but most of all no pain. Thoughts of “this is death” came to me and yet it didn't matter. I did not care about anyone or anything anymore. I was welcoming the feeling. Feelings that I had know as a human was replaced with an extreme nothing and still I was not concerned. Suddenly, flashes as if I was seeing my entire life caught in Kodak moments, zipped past my conscious being, inside me. Faster and faster, they flew by, moments of my life. I felt neither happiness or sadness as I watched. Then they slowed down, until I felt like I was inside a casket looking up, at my own funeral. I could see as if from that position and I saw in color, the image of my crying mother being held up by my father who looked so old and broken hearted. Each ad a hand on my daughter's shoulders. Of my daughter, all I could see was from her nose up and eight little fingers holding onto the side of the casket. She was crying uncontrollably and shouting, “Don't leave me Momma, Momma come back.” Over and over I heard her screaming through her tears. I did not talk with anyone, I don't recall feeling anyone's presence with me, but someone or something had showed me all this in a matter of a few earthly minutes. In an instance, I felt like I was being given a choice. I knew I was to go back and do whatever I had to do, because of my daughter and parents. They needed me more than I needed to stay there without the pain. It felt like I was hit with a tremendous force, the feeling of being slammed back into my body, back onto the gurney, and back into this world. Sounds of the female working on me saying, “Jim…what's the ETA?” and Jim's reply of “about five minutes” came from the front of the ambulance. I heard her say, “We don't have five minutes.” There was something said about, blood pressure has bottomed out, before I opened my eyes and tried to smile at her. She drew a deep breath and told me she thought they were loosing me and how I needed to keep talking and not sleep. I can not remember much more after that, except the pain and many people working on me at the hospital. Some where about mid May 2004 life as I knew it had begun a spiral downhill fast. I found my self, frustrated, as I had began about a month before, unable to think properly, and getting lost going places I knew well. The family doctor sent me to tests and, a number of specialists. They all saw something, but nothing definitive. A Vascular surgeon recommended I see, a Cardiologist the cardiologist said we need to take a look inside, but your symptoms suggest a little heart problem, you should see a neurologist. Take this Nitro though, when you experience pain, until we can schedule a look inside that heart. Good enough! Saw the neurologist that week, had the pains in the chest a couple of times, took the little nitro things. Neurologist said looks ok! Go see your endocrinologist get that thyroid under control and in six months you'll fell perfect. But' I'll order an EEG, and Scan just to be safe. Well' before safe could be ruled out, and they could get a good look inside that heart. May 27th around noon. My world crashed! The feeling in my head was indescribable. As if someone slit my throat, and all the blood ran out, only there was no blood! When my ability to see, and think returned. So did the pain in my back and chest. Up to my shoulder blade, Ok' I'm dying here! Enough sense to go out side, sit down and call 911. “Help please help I think I'm having a heart attack. They arrived five minutes later, hooked me up to the monitors and such. Nope we'll take you to the hospital. Doesn't look like a heart attack though! At the hospital I was placed in a chair in the waiting room, “Here fill out these forms, and we'll call you. A nurse came in the room and said H, Mark! Let me see the forms! Well' I would if I could! I am having a hard time moving! The nurse, my wife and me with their assistance led me to the triage room. They were looking at me funny. ” Smile for me said the nurse” I complied. “Raise your eyebrows for me, Squeeze my hands with yours” They were looking at me so funny. I asked my wife what's wrong with me? They both answered! No, I don’t want to hear this! You've had a stroke on your left side! My heart pain was nothing to the feeling I had! Tears began to run from my eyes, My god! What is happening to me? They admitted me to the CCU and monitored me, gave me blood thinners, and heart meds, something for the chest pain. OK' Well it's nighttime and they have stopped the pain, I'm not dead and just weak on the left side. A neurologist had been called in, confirmed the diagnosis, and ordered tests. Said He called the cardiologist because they didn't like the heartbeat. Cardiologist showed up next morning, well' You've had a stroke your going to be all right! We are going do an angiogram on the 1st, just to check it out. After the holiday. On the first of june, I was feeling better and eating ok, I didn't fear the angiogram. In the morning they came and got me ready for the procedure. Took me down stairs to the lab. Started the procedure my wife would see me after, in the recovery area. Just smashing! Little pain during the procedure and after in recovery. My wife was there and everything was fine. The doctor who did the angiogram came and told me.” There is a problem with the right coronary artery! We will fix it tomorrow; we will transfer you to the main hospital, just for safety. In the morning. You will be just fine! Now I'm a little scared but ok, I had the documents done when I knew before the stroke that the procedures had some risk. So' I had a, power of attorney done for my wife just in case. I said my prayers that night, for Jesus to be there and guide them, consult for them. I had seen the pastor of the church I was going to, and asked him to pray for me also. I was ready! Everything was going to be just fine! On the morning of the 2nd of June I was anxious to be transferred to the main hospital. The transportation team was running a little behind. I was supposed to be in the procedure at 10:30 am. Long and, short I got there at 10: 30. My wife was there and saw me. We talked, “If something should happen you have the paper work? ” Every thing will be ok I'll be in recovery when you get there! The nurses came to get me at about 11:00am The told my wife where to wait and they would inform her when I was finished. They took me into the suite, and started to set it up for the cardiologist. They draped me, set up the local anesthesia, and turned on the DR's favorite music. Classical! Enter the Dr: Starting procedure. Administer the local, insertion of the catheter “I listened intently to the conversations between the others in the room and the Doctor. They told my wife about an hour to an hour and a half. An hour, an hour and a half, going on two the camera is moving and I feel the pressure in my chest. I hear them talking about the stint, and the pressures required for the catheter. Suddenly I hear from the doctor's mouth, something that was a very un-doctorly thing to say. “Oh' Shit!” I think “Oh shit what!?” All of a sudden the sound of people talking stopped. And the voices were now coming from the back of the lab, where the computers are located. I hear furious talking from a distance! Is that a clot? Not sure? Is it? Don't know! Than the feeling of heavy pressure in my chest, I moaned. A voice from the other side of the table. ” Are you in pain? “No just a lot of pressure! ” The pressure should go away! As I felt something cold enter my arm. Another voice in the room, “Did you give him the morphine?” Ahu! Replied the other voice. The equipment, the monitors and shields were pulled back and the lights came on. I thought this is big trouble, when I heard the cardiologist ask someone in the room,” Should I remove the catheter or leave it inflated? A voice answered, “Leave it in, I'll take it out when I'm finished.” Than there was this man whom I had never seen before, looking down at me. He looked pleasant and reassuring! He introduced himself and said, “I don't have time to explain what happened but something went wrong, I'm going to take you to open heart surgery. We'll take care of you. We'll get the authorization from your wife. If frightened was the word, than I was o frightened that the only thing I could think of was pray for them to have the lord in there with them whoever them is! My wife came in and I saw the Doctor this time he was in scrubs! My wife held my hand and the doctor said, “We'll do our best, see you after you recover. My wife and, I said what I thought would be my last goodbye, to someone I loved so much! As they wheeled me down the hall toward the elevator the Anesthesiologist looked down at me and said, “You'll be asleep before we get there! That was the last thing I heard, until I woke on a ventilator, with a myriad of tubes and wires. My wife was there; she held my hand and spoke softly. You're going to be all right! Honey it's all right. There we all kinds of people nurses doctors, technicians checking, wiping injecting! I knew something serious had happened! I had Blood hanging and my chest felt as though I had jumped from the tenth floor of a building. Landing on my breastbone. “In the past seven days, I had a stroke, angiogram, failed angioplasty, open heart surgery. Lot's of blood loss, I learned later. I learned that the artery had blown out! The only thing that stopped me from bleeding to death was the wise decision to leave the catheter blown up in place. I learned that the mild to moderate COPD that I knew I had, was more than moderate, and that being on the heart lung machine for a long time, had done more damage. Terrific! All that and now I am in pain, I can hardly breathe, IM dizzy and my blood pressure is dropping like a rock. What else could go wrong? Remember be careful what you pray for! As I was recovering from the last assault on my body, things were looking up. I was able to walk a little, set in a chair next to the bed. For an hour or so. I was starting to taste food again, and I prayed constantly. Thank you lord for your allowing me to stay to do whatever it was you wanted me to do for you. Even though I still don't know exactly what it is you want of me? But' thank you for the lesson learned. It's now the 5th of June and the surgeon and the other doctors are talking of going home in a day or so! Wow! Doing well! Still hard to get around, I am so weak! It took me over two hours to wash myself from a chair next to the sink. But it was looking up! They pulled the chest tubes, as I was no longer bleeding internally, and possibly a shower today! The doctor came in mid morning and said, we are thinking of cutting you loose this afternoon, but' we may hang onto you for another day or so because your blood pressure keeps dropping. We're going to check your meds and adjust that! Just a day or so. I was still in thankful prayer mode, and so happy when family came to visit. It was like being reborn. The 6th of June and I was ready for resting at home, and getting down to what god wanted me to do. I was sure I would find it! And, do what he wanted. I woke early on the 7th I was a little restless about 6:00am the nursing staff would change over at 7:00. Won't see a nurse or anything till after 7:30. I was actually waiting for hospital food to come! I was hungry! What would breakfast be? I couldn't remember what I had ordered, didn't matter just wanted to eat! A little after 7:00 I was sitting on the side of the bed, watching television I had just gone to the bathroom, Still sitting waiting for food. Started to feel heavy in y jaws, kept removing my glasses rubbing my jaw. Thought' man this may become a headache or something. Nothing some food won't help. I heard the food trays come off the elevator, and went wild with anticipation. It was 7:30 or so and thinking of food, and going home that day. I had even planned on calling my wife to pick me up this afternoon. In less than one minute, I would embark on the most amazing journey I had ever been on. I felt a sudden sense of doom, I felt as though no blood was flowing! No pain! Within seconds all I could get out was. “Help me, Please help me, God Help. Now, I was no longer in a hospital room but on a road! Not a golden road, just a beautiful road. It was me! I saw. A young me, about 10years old or so with a long willow branch over my shoulder, and a red bandana at the end of the branch, like a hobo! There were people that I had known in my life, and many others that I did not on that road. We exchanged smiles as we passed and my mind was in awe of what I was seeing. The most beautiful road I had ever seen! Details, that were indescribable. Suddenly I thought of a mountain, I had seen as a child. When I looked up from the road there it was; The Mountain! Not just the mountain! But the most breathtaking mountain I had ever seen! Details the likes of which no one could imagine. Colors shades of color, shadows for which there are no words in the human language to describe it. All that I saw and felt was as if something was filling my mind with answers, before I could even ask the question. The presence of god was in all things. It was as though the promise of being filled, and overflowing. What your soul desired to see, was filled at that very moment. Everything that your soul needed was met before it could be asked. There is no distance here. So time does not exist. What your soul desires it is! All you desire to know is done! You are filled with the spirit! And you know it! I had never experienced such a feeling of satisfaction in my life. I had come to my lord. In the most perfect place, and I had been accepted by my God in his house! How wonderful is that! I felt as though I had come home. From perfection to be born into sin, live in imperfection, never fully understanding the wonder of God, and than finding yourself at his door as he welcomes you in. Than a voice seemingly from nowhere, yet everywhere said. “Mark! You must go back!” Go back! I can't go back! Again the voice said, ” You must return; I have given you task, you have not finished.” “No no please God no! Let me stay. With lightning speed, I was naked moving backwards through the darkest of darkness. There were lightning bolts all about me. From my feet to the top of my head. Enormous lightning bolts! Going in all directions into the darkness. Despite the brightness of the lightning. The light from it did not penetrate the awful darkness. Suddenly my eyes popped open my right arm flailing wildly. I was mouthing! No please stop doing this! Stop let me go! I looked forward, and saw what appeared to be, a stadium full of people all looking at me and cheering those around me, to save me! The noise was incredible, everyone talking, shouting out numbers, and directing others. Than to my left someone took my hand and held it. I looked up and saw a young woman. She was looking into my eyes, past them to my very soul. the noise subsided so that all I could hear was the sound of her voice. Her eyes never left the depth of my soul; her voice was like that of an angel. As she spoke,” It is not your choice now! It is his now!” I stopped fighting, no more flailing my arms, no more declarations from my mouth. I heard in the distance a nurse say clear, the sound of a machine beeping, and a loud hum. The last thing I remember until 15 hours later. Why had my God returned me? Did he send this young woman to assist me in doing, his will? Was she there to help me back to this world? I believe so! He kept his promise, now I must keep mine. When I awoke after this incredible journey, respirator removed. I could sense the spiritual nature of my body, had changed. As I opened my eyes for the first time, since this journey began over 15 hours ago. It became obvious these eyes where no longer seeing with the mind, but' as if my soul were peering out onto the world. Everything had meaning! Deeper than I had ever cared to look before. All things had importance, the words I spoke, the way I gestured, my facial reactions. When I smiled, it was from the heart. When I cried they were tears from my heart, tears of gratefulness. As weak as I was, it was hard to breathe. Every breath was an effort, and the pain all over by body was intractable. Yet' my heart was so grateful for the experience. Just to live for Gods purpose, gave meaning to every pain, every breath. It was as though God filled my lungs with his own breath, each time I needed air. Every word I spoke felt as though, it was written by God, and I was reading the text. My thoughts were no longer my own, nor about myself, but' rather everyone I came in contact with became the center of my being. Everyone else became important, and what I said to them. I spoke with the two male nurses that cared for me that night, and what I had experienced. I explained to them about a woman, I believed was a nurse. I did not know her name, but' I could describe her. I told them that she appeared on my left side that day, and I would like to thank her personally for helping me. One of them said” the way you described her, it sounds like Debbie! And she worked that morning. When I see her I'll ask. Two days later, mid morning in ICCU a knock on the door to my room. “Come in ” I said. The door opened slowly, a young woman entered my room. I said, “You are Debbie aren’t you. “Yes” she said as she once again came to my left side. She said as she held my hand, in hers. “I'm so happy to see you doing so well after what you went through! I once again looked into her eyes; again she was looking deep into my soul. I said ” Thank You! Thank you! You made it possible for me to return to this life. I continued ” I did not want to come back you know? You made it possible! God placed you there, at just that time: even the words you said to me! God sent an angel, you to help me. To return to this world! The tears of my heart and, the gratefulness showed in my eyes. I could see the spirit of the Lord within her. It brought to mind immediately a bible verse. Repeating, over and over in my mind. “I will never leave you alone, I will send an angel ahead to prepare a place for you. And my own father's favorite verse: I go now to prepare a place for you, for in my father's mansion there are many rooms. All of this now made perfect sense to me. I was in Gods house! But' my room was not yet ready for me. So my father sent me on an errand while he finished my room. Do angels exist? I wasn't quite sure! now I not only know they exist. they are constantly in our presence. Every time I see that look. The soul looking out, displayed in their eyes for all to see. All I can do is to kneel before them, and give thanks. Thank you so much for your presence Lord, in this being's soul. The 10th of June now, I am getting around and must be monitored all the time. The Doctors are discussing placing a Defibrillator in my chest to prevent sudden cardiac death from occurring again. The 14th the night before they install the device. The doctor explained to me the risk involved. To test the device they would have to stop my heart twice and let the device shock me to make sure it would work. I washed up at the sink and shaved. While I was doing so I was praying for all those who would be involved in the surgery the next day. Suddenly I looked into the mirror in front of me I looked close again. Who is in there? Who is now inside me? The eyes looking back at me was no longer the Mark that I knew! I asked out loud to the eyes looking back at me “Who are you? A gentle voice replied; it is the new Mark! The old one no longer exists”. I said: 'Good Lord, What do you want of me? Again a quiet voice replied: “You need to love more! You need to accept love more, be forgiving more, keep in mind what you were privileged to see, a world, that few would remember. Most important: love is the answer! I was in disbelief, tears were flowing from my eyes, and I kept praising over and over; Thank you, for the new me! Oh thank you. My eyes are now opened, the meaning of the line in the church song, “Open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you” now that understanding has torn through me like a piece of shrapnel. I now see through the eyes of my heart not just the ones in my head. I have seen The Lord, I realized that I had seen him so many times in my youth. He had shown me so many things, on the earth that are as it is in heaven. Yet I only saw what the eyes in my head could see. I now understand that the bible said that in the beginning. The Heaven and the Earth were created, with perfection; man was placed in the perfect place on earth to have all that was perfect. Our ancestors disobeyed and the Earth was made imperfect. When we pass from this life of imperfection, to the next. God is always asking the question of us, all of our lives ” Are you ready? Your ancestors had Perfection! But they were not ready for it than, so I ask you now; are you ready? I had to die! In order to understand that concept! God was asking me! And trying to show me the way. But' I chose the human way, My way was the better way. The death of my body was so peaceful, so wonderful. Let me assure, you the trip back was, anything but easy. I was so frightened, that the darkness, that I was being drawn through, and the accompanying pain was my rejection from the perfect life everlasting, straight to my place in hell. Please learn now! Understand the grace of God before you pass on. Some only learn the hard way, some can only understand when that relationship is threatened with being withdrawn. Open the eyes of your heart let those eyes see the grace, and the power of I am. Believe that he is! Believe that he has prepared a place for you that is without pain, suffering, the constraints of the human condition. No distance, no time, as your soul desires so it is. That, which the soul desires to see, is seen. Seen in ways that we can not imagine, understanding all that is present instantly. feeling that your god is in everything! Forever! He lives with you in his perfection for all time. As I said earlier, I had to die to understand what a friend I had, how important his friendship and love were. His advice is right! We only need to ask, and than be willing to listen. Sometime God Shout's. Most of the time he whispers, why do we only listen when he shouts? It has been five months since I left the Hospital on the 17th of June. Much has happened to me since that time. I have been in contact with my daughter, and my grandchildren, other members of my family that I had not seen for a long while. I was able to meet with all of them and see them, spend joyful times with them. My family and I weathered three hurricanes and the damage they caused. We lived for a few weeks without Convenience's. We had our moments, but the important thing is we had each other. As of this time I do not know if this writing will be continued. I have much more to say! But' I leave it now, and allow God's will to be done. I have endured pain, pleasure, insult and, injury. Yet that is just the point! God has given me all of this for his reasons, not mine. Should he grant me more time on this earth, I will endeavor to continue, his work. And will ever praise him. November, 17 Th. 2004 His loving servant. Mark. Well' the test went well. I am still alive! I am still having problems with my life. Hospitalized during the Christmas holidays with a dangerous infection. My thoughts raced on a daily basis. Even after being released from the hospital, do I want to live? My belief system tells me you cant take your own life! My body keeps telling me end it! this life worrying all the time. How will I pay these people that I owe all this money to? I feel like dog snot most of the time. I can't breath, I'm in pain most of the time, why is God punishing me more? Good question! Is he punishing me or is he allowing me to see, that I am punishing my self as I have done most of my life? It is still hard for me to learn the lessons that he has tried so to teach me all these years! I am a hard case though! I have come to understand that the pain is the human pain that afflicts us in the body of man to appreciate the future that awaits us in his perfection! My depression is my fear of life! My anxiety is my anticipation of the unknown. Thoughts have come to me in a situational way over the last nine months, that have caused me great surprise. These gems are coming from my lips! I knew them because god taught me them years ago. I just wasn't listening is all. Like' We are not placed here to be the paper upon which others poop on, we are here for each other but not to be used by one another. We truly need each other at times but' need the wisdom to know when to leave one alone when they want to be with their other friend, God! We have no right to take away their relationship with their God. We must recognize that bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people. But' we are not the judge, if we want something we must go after it. Give it all we have and let life be a surprise to us instead of us trying to surprise it! When I look back on my childhood, I do so with great pleasure. It was the grandest time of my life! Looking back on it, It was a constant surprise! Every day some great adventure occurred. My friends, surprised and delighted me every day! my memories of them shine like searchlights in the darkness of my adulthood. My eyes fill with tears of joy every time I remember one of those truly marvelous days. It was today's equivalent of hitting the lottery big every day! I can feel the exhaustion of the full day, see the dirty faces of my friends after our marvelous adventures. See the exquisite beauty, of the everyday things that I saw, and shared my innermost thoughts with these wonderful friends. Why have I allowed these world surprises that gave me such joy to evaporate in today's life? I had a special friend when I was a child, no one could see him but me. Often my family would make fun of me because of my so called make-believe friend. I called him Matty! He was always there when I was alone, felt frightened or needed advice. When I was sick, Matty was there! When I was alone Matty was there! When things would happen and I was In trouble, Matty was there! Matty I have found, was another name for God. I had a relationship with him that was so personal, so real, I could tell him my most intimate secrets. He knew me completely. Matty told me what I would one day go through in later years. I had forgotten much of what he told me and it became lost in the darkness of my age. During my experience in 2004 glimpses of these conversations have come to light. My friend Matty had prepared me for what was to come. Thank you Matty It has been my pleasure to get to know you again! All God wants Matty, Vishnu, Jehova, Yahway, Whatever the name, is to have an intimate honest relationship with YOU! Let the child in you grow to be the adult with the same wonder, surprise, generous life, that you had as a child. ” You need not be walked on to be loved, nor walk on others to love them” “Because you do not accept bad behavior in those you love, does not exclude your loving them” “God loves us in spite of our faults, He does not agree with them” All that one can say at this point is: Are you ready? We don't know the date nor the hour, but all I can say is you have nothing to fear. The end of this life is the beginning of another. Prepare in this one as if every day could be your last! I now understand the pain, Does not mean I have to like it! The bad that happens to me or my loved ones, I understand in a general sense, doesn't mean I like it! I loved my Mother and Father, so much. They were the best God could have given to me. We had very little growing up, I watched both of them suffer all sorts of things. Some of these I caused, most were just life. When they past on I was so hurt, I had lost two wonderful parents, the best of friends. yet God received, two of the most wonderful souls in heaven or earth. We are not our brothers keeper, but' we are his teacher! SO' go out and teach, dom' hide what you know in life. It is the only thing you truly have to pass on to others. If you save it thinking that you are going to be needed by everyone, because you are the only one to know! Guess what? Your value stops the moment you leave the door. And' no one remembers what you know after you leave this earth. But' if you teach it reverently look for those who hunger for knowledge, when you leave the building our knowledge stays. And when they pass it along it continues long after you have left his earth. The only thing you have to give the world is what you know! when you hide it within it goes with you never to be found. Everything I learned about what I did well in life. I learned from someone else. I also learned the joy of sharing it with those who were willing to learn! I learned so much from life, I can't believe that one mind can hold that much! God what ever you decide to call him, has given us the capacity to be all of these things and more. You can be a pirate, or adventurer as a child. a great mechanic, or builder as a man, a wise man as an older man, teacher or mentor. A holey man at the end of your life. A great father or mother. A wonderful son or daughter. So many things! yet if you share them not they become lost the dust of our body. There's another thing! we are so taken by the body, wow look what great shape we are in! Once you have moved from this life to the nest that body is forgotten, in the renewal of the spirit. What lives on of you is the memory of those things that you imparted , not what you were. When my mother passed away. I was lost. I felt as though I needed it write something that would express my loss. So I wrote this and had the preacher say the words. Something like this: When you were born I waited from the time I knew you were conceived. I waited so patiently, for you to enter my world. Months weeks days than came the day I had waited for. you were born. You were perfect in every way, all the fingers and toes I waited so long for you to come to me. I waited so long for you to say your first word, I waited for you to walk! I waited for you to do your first thing for yourself. All this anticipation. It was well worth the wait. I waited for you to grow slowly at first than faster. I waited for the first time you injured yourself, as I waited again to find out the outcome. I waited for you to become a man. And You did. I was so proud of you. You had come so far. All this waiting, and now I have gone to be in my eternal home. I have not gone from you my son, for this I would never do. I am here, Waiting for you once again waiting for you to return home As I had so many times before. Not gone, just waiting again. I know that this woman that I loved so much in life will be there waiting for me I know that her wait will be short. I anticipate seeing her face her grace and, her wonderful love. How wonderful is that? We live in this life with pain, cruelty from others, wrongful words from others. Joy from those that we love, incidents that we have no control over, good and bad. But' ya know what! life would not be life without any of them! Think about it! if we knew what was coming every minuet how would we handle it? If we new we were going to fall into a pile of luck, how would we react? Drop dead from shock? Say well it's about time? Who am I going to help out? Not me! nothing could be happening like that to me! Never has, never will! What would we do if a voice said to us, your life will be over in two hours, at exactly8:30 am you will die! There's not enough time for me to get everything done, I won't make it. But' you have no choice the minuets are ticking away, you now only have an hour and 45 min. who ya oing to call? What are you going to say? What memories are you going to have? What are you waiting for? Enjoy all that you have! Whatever it is how little or how much, enjoy it. What good is gold in the next life? there is no need for it, your spirit cannot carry it is too heavy. The memory of good friends, giving what little you had to give to life will follow you there. Kind words, and deeds will become part of your spirit your good memories will follow you there, God has plenty of room for those things in the room he has prepared for you. Don't think this stuff is real? we are all going to get a chance to find out! If I were a betting man and I gave the odds 50/50 I'd be willing to bet 50% on the latter as it has a history on it's side; ya know that a horse that runs in the mud all of the time has a better chance of winning on a wet track than a horse that has never run on any tack at all! And a chance of a horse with one good eye has a 50% chance of beating a blind horse that's deaf. You choose your own way to deal with your mortality. mortality is a sure bet immortality depends on the point of view. life on earth is a sure bet for the living, life everlasting has no odds where there is no belief. I have come to believe that the sun rises in the east, every day that I wake there it is! The sun sets in the west! everyday people are born and people die I don't personally know each person who is born nor do I know each person that dies. But' it is so! I don't know personally every person on the face of the earth, but exist, they do! When you see another person, do you ever wonder about their life? If you do why does it matter? Love does not stop at the family door, it is ingrained in us! we all want to be loved, and we all have the innate desire to love. The situation that I find myself in at this time, is not all that great. Quite often I cant breath, or I am in a great deal of pain. I can't go too far, as I run out of steam. I will never return to a job that I loved! It was the one thing in my life that I was good at. I enjoyed what I did for a living, I made a good living at it and, I was respected for the decisions that I made on the job. I respected the management team I worked under, didn't always agree with them but respected them just the same. Before all this happened to me I could type over 90 words a min, without looking at the keyboard. now I can't remember where any of the keys are. These are not complaints! these are grateful moments! You see I'm still able to communicate what I feel, I can still wake in the morning and be grateful that my life still has meaning. I miss the people I worked with so much! but' the memories of each of them shall remain forever. When I do pass on, I will be waiting for them. I am able to write these words in the hope that some may find power to go on, the peace that they had not found, or be at peace with their life. I believe that I have found the reason that I was made to return to this earth! Even though I did not want to do so. HE told me I had something left to do, I believe this writing is part of it. The other is the way I now approach others. I am brutally honest with others when I disagree with them. But' I am totally honest in my love for them! I no longer allow others to believe that I will agree with them to make them feel better, or to avoid a sensitive subject. I will however be the first to tell them I love them even that I don't agree with them. I have found myself saying things, to strangers that I meet. It surprises me! I will commend others for the way they speak to their children, the way they speak of their loved ones. I will offer blessings to them because their eyes reveal they need them. The pain, the feeling poorly, is so much better when I can help others. My desire to work and do what I do best is so strong at times it makes me feel helpless. Yet though I can no longer do it in the physical sense. My spiritual sense has become so strong. It is like the more the pain the stronger the spirit. Yep! it makes me want to shout! “ Hey, It gets better what is to come is better than all that is right now! Each day regardless of the situation, you learn a lesson, you may not like the lesson, but' it is one you need to learn. In writing this I used several descriptions to explain what I felt and saw. Well' there was no bright light, sort of! the light is a feeling, a sense that all is illuminated. I mentioned when returning to this earthly existence about the terrible darkness. This was scary! I have been in the dark before, but this was dark. No light at all no shadows, the light from the lightning bolts could escape this darkness. This is definitely not a place you want to be! Alive, dead, in-between, hell, purgatory whatever no place to be! It, is like all the fear in the world in one place at one time and you are in it! But, the place that you find yourself in at the end is something dreams are made of, but not a dream. Far from it, it is all that you could want and more. I have had so many moments, things have gone wrong, it has been at times as though nothing is going right. Dead would have been better! by a country mile. For some reason at those times, you found yourself looking at all that was right. You can almost hear God saying “Don't give up yet the lessons get harder but' the reward becomes greater” Rings true! He who is greater than he who is in the world! Why do we think we are the only ones in the world? We can be such asses. We are not alone! never were! never will be! When the twilight of my life comes on this earth the dawn of eternity begins. My eyes close on life and open on the sunrise of life everlasting. My greatest hope for all that see this work, is that their hearts lighten, their hope grows, their load becomes lighter. As for myself I hope that by doing this, I am doing the work he sent me back to complete. Let my words, be his thoughts, coming to the earth in sound. “Lord make me strong, to do what you will with me. For my pain I praise you, not curse you. For the times when I feel weak, let it be your strength. Let my days be full of you, and less of myself. I know you will give me rest, and peace when your will has been done with me. For those that may have lost someone dear to them; A Father, mother brother husband whomever that person was or what role the may have played in your life. It is ok to have your time of grief. But’ once you have gotten over missing that person on this earth, you no longer grieve for them but for yourself. Grieve not for them for they are experiencing life the way it was meant to be experienced. Love them honor their memory. remember them for the good within them and know that they wait for you to return home. They will once again be a part of your life. Only they will introduce you to a life you will find hard to believe. The beauty of earth is magnified there a thousand fold. Pain and misery is unknown. Should my days end, let my words remain as a map to his home. On both occasions a being of white light appeared to me and took my hand and took me to a door that opened on its own. As a child I remember I had to climb three steps to arrive at the door and in the last experience I didn't see any door. I went directly to the place of light where you don't step or walk…you float… In the second more recent experience I remember first seeing a dim tunnel where I saw various deceased people I knew, one of whom touched my feet. I left those people behind in order to ascend accompanied by the being of light and go to the place where one floats. I did not see anyone there but I felt caresses on my head. I also remember that my family members were in the hospital room crying and I, despairing at seeing them suffer, wanted to return rapidly. I remember on both occasions that the voices of the doctors and nurses resounded in my head, and while I was ascending, the voices faded back but I continued hearing them. (I don't know how to explain this. It's as if you were a million kilometers away but you took a carried a microphone in order to hear). In the second experience I remember seeing my husband all upset and praying that I would not die. I also remember a place where there were objects, people who looked like angels, animals and plants… The strange thing about all this was that EVERYTHING had life and eyes. I also saw beings dressed in black capes who, when they saw the being who was holding my hand, bowed their heads…as though they could not look at his face…or perhaps out of respect… It was just right and one of the few memories of a perfect time that I keep. I was struck by a car in 1983. The experience caused a great shift in me I see the whole of it as an awakening, a blessing and something that was a gift that remains yet unmatched by anything other than being born as an infant the first time (in this incarnation). I was 11 at the time and had what's called a near death experience. I didn't realize that until a friend of my Mother one day asked me to describe my experience through the accident. I told her what I'd seen and the telling of it was enough to help me to realize that it was extraordinary, and that it was something that ought not be forgotten. What I saw for a while in whatever weakened state has stayed with me and was beautiful though not anything like what I've yet heard others describe. That's in part why I do prescribe to the belief that we enter an after, beyond the breath of the body, that is to some degree of our own choosing and also what we both need and can handle. We are after all born into an incarnation as infants who need tending to just as we are born into the afterlife again and again. In that first few moments some do require the hand-holding of those they love or have loved and so on. It wasn't quite that way for me nor did I see a light at a tunnel's length that was alluring but rather found myself in a vastness that was dark. It wasn't blackness to my present recollection but very close to jet blue. The light was not before me at a distance. It was directly behind me and comfortably so. The light didn't close round me as I hovered there. I didn't feel a body to hover in but instead just consciousness. Perhaps I did have some form like those that shot across the vision of that unending space. Those were bodies that I recognized easily but did not concentrate upon. They were spirits in travel off to destinations unknown by me. I knew though or feel I did. These appeared to me as what I called at age twelve while speaking with this adoring friend of the family, “Tears in flame” and I gave that description because of their shapes that were so tear like, or by now I'd call comet like and because of their color. They were mostly blue to my vision with other bits of color to them. It was wondrous. The light did stay at my back but was effective in comforting me and giving me a sense of warm familiarity that was embracing me. It was a question that came into me not in any language that I know per se but in clarity of being that asked if I would like to stay or go. It was exactly that question and exactly that simple and I recall being glad about the notion of returning to that home that I knew well in that state. I didn't consider that for long though as the understanding at a deeper level, maybe the level of human reason crept in. I decided to honor the knowing that I had more to do, to accomplish and give. I didn't respond in words at all and didn't think to give the answer but as soon as it was in my awareness the experience ended, or else the memory of it failed. I was in a coma for 12 days critically and whether or not the experience happened then or immediately somewhere after the initial impact is beyond me. I carried the energy of it back with me and during the recovery after waking I shared it freely greeting all passers-by with loving words and joy. I was still very much connected. While it had been said that I wouldn't walk or talk again necessarily due to the injuries I am now a very able bodied person with a firm grasp of language and more interestingly the ability to still acquire new languages. I am blessed ith the gift of remembrance that to love is to heal of which I must remind myself quite often considering the struggle that it is to get by in this life. I don't regret the accident though yes, it has been a hardship on various levels and has seen to it that strife and I are well acquainted. That I could elaborate on at a later time if its of any interest but really I imagine the more ethereal being what's sought here. I have been opened psychically in ways and have been called on for medium ship often. I've been called a pathfinder by one who knew the label that Native Americans call one of my abilities, and many of my close acquaintances call on me directly when they've had a dream that is profound for the deeper meaning of it and what direction to take it in. That last example of what is I believe, an affect of the experience may be only a stronger link that I now enjoy with intuition but still verges on the rest. Only that I tend to be too open psychically without any means to put stops on is what I find troublesome about the deal. It'd be nice to not attract so many lost souls who seem to need to draw positive vibrations from the light in people. That's a small thing though and won't have me shutting off to what is truly a gift. On that note I'll leave this and hope it serves whatever purpose is meant to be met. Oh, actually the last thing I'd like to mention is that its also resulted in a serious melting of time stuff around me. I realize that severe head injuries can be causative of time perception strains but that's not what I mean. Its brought me to a point where even now I can see it in different ways, as in it having opened a type of portal or even many is a better way of putting it. Not the sort of thing I've tried to describe before, sorry, so its going to have to be left at that before I ramble on senselessly and bore the reader to tears… Thanks for your attention. I'd like to know if this mirrors anybody else's like experience at all, or what if any, thoughts there are about it all. Again, thanks. I was in the hospital after the car accident and all of a sudden I felt that I was unable to breath. I saw my body and had the sense of me floating over it. There was a dark room that I entered and then a bright light. The room was almost like a tunnel. Suddenly all my life flashed before my eyes. I felt so uneasy and scared. But then I was at peace. There was a voice calling my name softly then louder and louder. The voice finally was next to me and it tried to speak a message but the message was blurred. Then I saw a blurry image of a being that was not human. Suddenly I felt a pulling sensation. I was back. I had been “dead” for an entire hour. I was gone then back it was amazing to me. My whole life has changed since this event. I even became a doctor to look into the possibility of this actually happening. I was blessed to have this experience. When I was 2 years old my Grandpa died. He had a heart attack and died in the living room. I was there and my Grandma said I tried to make him get up. We lived on a farm and animals die too. I had always been told that when things die they go to Heaven. I knew from Sunday school what Heaven and angels and Jesus looked like. Grandpa was gone and life here was never the same for me. He was the fun one. He was the only one who cared more about me then he cared about what I did. I always remembered him and missed him all the time. One day my mother went shopping and brought home a whole bunch of baby aspirins. They used to come in long strips of cellophane squares with 2 in each square. While everyone was busy putting away groceries I took the aspirins outside and hid behind the garbage can. I was shorter then the garbage can so I could do this. As far as I can remember my reasoning went something like this- Grandpa died, everything that dies goes to Heaven (no one had told me about Hell yet) and if you take too many pills you die so I took the pills so I could go see Grandpa. In my mind I wasn't killing myself I was just going for a visit or something. But I knew I wasn't supposed to so I did hid. When Mom found me and the empty plastic squares she didn't take me to the doctor she just put me to bed. She laid me on my back and pulled the covers up to my chin and that was strangling me. I struggled to get out from under the covers, it was like being wrapped in a giant spider web, I couldn't breath and I was really scared. I don't think I really knew where I was then all I remember was not being able to move very good and struggling to get untangled so I could breath. Then I saw a little girl at the ceiling. I don't know who and it must not of mattered cause I didn't think about it. She was dressed like they used to in the 1800's in a long dark dress with a white ruffled apron-like thing over it. She had long wavy black hair. She looked a little older then me and she was watching me. Then I was at the ceiling and I saw myself wedged between the bed and the wall. I remember thinking (or saying to that girl) “look at her- why is she doing that? If she wants out why doesn't she just go around the bed?” I felt amused by this. I did not think it was strange that I was at the ceiling, nor did I realize that she was me. I don't remember how long we stayed there. But I still remember how it felt. This is where it gets hard to tell. It was like being totally focused. What ever I was feeling was all there was. In this life there is always some worry in my mind- hope I don't say the wrong thing, my foot itches, hope I don't get in trouble. There is always something. But there was nothing like that there. There was no worry, just the present moment. It was clear and it turned this life into the dream. It was wonderful but at that time I didn't analyze my situation as I was too busy doing it, if that makes sense. So then we were at the living room ceiling looking at my Mom, sister and Grandma. A comedy was on t.v. and my Mom and Grandma were laughing. Mom and my sister were on the couch and my Grandma was in the chair. I saw them but I don't remember feeling any strong emotions attached to them. It was the same as when I had seen my body. They were just people laughing and watching t.v. I guess at that moment it was like I was watching t.v. too. Kinda like when you change channels and turn into the middle of a movie. No matter what is happening you can watch it in a detached sort of ay for a minute then you move to the next channel. I was very happy the entire time and nothing fazed that. Then we were with a man. I don't remember seeing anything else. Me, the girl and the man. We thought (talked? this is hard to describe too.) It was like when words scroll down a computer screen faster then you can read them. But I could keep up with all the things that were flowing into me. It was a lot of good stuff about how to treat other people and how to act here. I don't remember any of it word by word but we are supposed to be nice to each other. And I am sure it's all still inside me even though sometimes I forget to do it or accidentally don't. Anyhow none of this seemed strange to me and through it all I felt real blissful. I guess there just aren't earth words to say but I can still remember it. Then the man (maybe he was Jesus, he was real nice and I liked him a lot) said I had to go back. I didn't want to go and I was disappointed because I wanted to see Grandpa. I remember telling him this but nope I had to go back. Then I was back in my body stuck between the wall and the bed. I was in the USAF at Castle AFB in Merced CA. I worked day shift there, then I worked swing shift at Gallo Wineries in Modesto CA. I worked as a GWW; that means a general wine worker. Part of my duties were to clean out the large tanks after the wine had been drained out. This procedure was to stop the fermentation process by purging the wine tank with nitrogen gas. This takes out the oxygen in the wine and stops the wine from fermenting. Then the tanks are supposed to be vented for many hours. The tank is checked for oxygen levels and if safe, an “OK TO ENTER” sign is posted at the entrance as it would be safe to enter. This sign was posted at the tank, so the cleaning crew that I was part of set up to work on the tank. However, a mistake had been made and the tank next to this one was safe and this tank was not yet vented. In fact, it was full of nitrogen gas and was in a deadly situation for anyone to go inside. What this gas does to people who inhale it, is that it removes the air out of their system. It displaces the oxygen out of your lungs. I went into the tank and complained to the other two workers that the smell seemed really strong; I could tell it was an apple type of wine. We had a fire hose set up to a high volume pump. This is what we used to spray down the internal walls of the wine tanks. I picked up the hose and went to the far side of the tank, about 30 to 40 feet away from the small opening that was also the only way out. I gave the thumbs up signal to start the water and chlorine mix, and the pressure hit the brass nozzle hard. This was normal and the force pushed me against the wall of the tank. I held on with all of my strength. I only remember seeing the water start to come out of the hose and start across the tank to the other side. I never saw it actually make it to the other side because at that point I had been inside the tank for about three minutes. This time period was long enough for the nitrogen gas to fully remove the air from my lungs. They told me later that I just fell to the floor of the tank and let go of the hose. The hose started to fling about violently and hit my head and face hard enough to break my safety glasses in half and knocked my hardhat off of my head. The spotter at the entrance signaled to the guy operating the pump to shut it off. About five minutes had gone by since I first went into the tank. The spotter then came into the tank to get me and he pulled me across to the opening and pushed me halfway out of the opening. He then passed out from the gas. He had only been in the tank about forty-five seconds. The other guy operating the pump saw me hanging out of the hatch and ran over to pull me out. Then he looked inside and pulled the spotter out also. The spotter started to come to and was able to get on his feet within a few minutes. I was still lying on the ground, not moving, not breathing, turning blue. They began to offer CPR, pushing on my chest, applying mouth to mouth a few times and since I was not responding, they stopped and began to cry because they thought I had died. I was having a completely different experience. The water coming out of the hose took on a strobe like effect and it never reached the inside wall of the tank. I was then traveling through a tunnel at a very high speed. This tunnel seemed o be very long, like miles, yet it didn't seem to take any time to go through. There was a bright light. It was drawing me to it. I felt like I popped out of the tunnel and fell into this white light, yet I wasn't really falling, I was more like floating around inside of the light. It seemed like a container of light but without any end or boarders. I felt very much at peace and I liked being there in the light. I felt a presence toward the center and was drawn closer to someone there. I saw what I believe to be Jesus. He was in a white robe that was dripping in pure gold. It was so real to me then and even now I see all of the details of how he looked to me. I felt so safe, so warm and I did not want to ever leave His presence. I felt like I was home. Then He spoke to me and told me about my life and what was yet to come. He told me that I had to go back. I argued with Him about staying but He said that it was not my time to be with Him yet and that I had many more things to do in my life. He rose up his hand and pointed back to the tunnel and I was immediately traveling back through the tunnel that I had arrived in, only a few moments before. The tunnel seemed to be the same one, same length and took the same time to travel through it back to life. I woke up lying on my back and looking up into the eyes of the two guys that saved me, and they were indeed crying. They were shocked to see me getting up on my feet again. They took me over to medical and sat me in a chair to be seen by the nurse. Then they left and I never saw them again. The medical department tried to say it was my fault and that I must have just passed out. They ask if I had been drinking, I replied, “No I had not”. They called my wife and she drove out to pick me up. I was mad at all of the questions and their implying that it was all my fault. So I quit, and I never have been back. The next few weeks I was in a daze, trying to figure out what had happened to me. I never shared this until many years later to my third wife; now of 19 years. At first I was experiencing the most excruciating pain I had ever felt in my life, It was like being stabbed with a white hot sword over and over again! after roughly twenty minutes of this pain I began to feel serene and the pain was fading, I was apparently slipping in and out of consciousness, I vaguely remember people calling my name and touching me for a response but I was too busy concentrating on this “golden vortex” which seemed to be reeling me in! The pain was going and I remember a strong sensation of warmth, comfort and pure love. I was vaguely aware too when the ambulance crew arrived and were calling my name and trying to get a response out of me, but I could not respond as I was apparently unconscious! I also remember getting into the emergency room in the hospital and the staff there calling my name but getting no response, at this time I knew I was probably going to die as I could see the urgency in the faces of the doctors and my partner, but I didn't care, the pain had gone. I eventually left the people here on earth and went into the brightest white light, there was nothing but light and love, warmth comfort and a feeling of forgiveness and understanding. I couldn't see anything or anyone just the light but I feel I was communicating with my “father” which is strange as my father is still alive he didn't feel like my biological father but an “ultimate Father of all”(???)hope you can understand that!! I experienced a time of rest and love and healing and then (I cant say when as time was meaningless) I had like a life review which was quite funny even though it was emotionally upsetting. I was asked what I thought and we agreed, much like the comments on all my school reports, “could have done better”. I was then asked what I would like to do next, whether I would like to go back to my life and try to improve or stay in the light, I guess I must have been undecided as I was then shown a vision of all my family around my hospital bed crying and looking really worried, this tugged on my heartstrings and I decided I wanted to go back as I couldn't bear to upset my family by leaving them behind! so then I remember sick feelings and pain and my eyes opened and I awoke to see my family around my hospital bed all worried and upset!!!!! I had been unconscious for two days and it was touch and go whether I would survive. I'm a registered nurse with asthma. I went to the emergency room the day after Christmas with an asthma attack. I was given numerous breathing treatments with no relief. My doctor arrived and told the staff to intubate me. As soon as they started to put the tube down my throat I heard one of them saying “she's coding”. All of a sudden I was laying down in what felt like a hammock filled with cotton. I don't know how else to describe it. I felt like someone or something had their arms around me. It was the most comfortable, warm and loving feeling I have ever felt.. Above me was the “white light” it was bright like the sun, but it didn't hurt my eyes and it was warm. It was a peaceful, and I didn't hurt anymore. I wasn't afraid it was the safest I have ever felt in my life. They coded me for 12 minutes before they could get me back. My family went to a lake for the day when I was 7 which was a common thing that we did during the summer in N.J. I had an older brother and sisters who knew how to swim but my twin brother and I did not. We were swimming in the kids section, when my older brother and sisters decided they wanted to swim to one the square docks the sat in the middle of the lake and told my twin brother and me that we couldn't go. I went back to the beach to ask my mother to take me out to the dock, of course she said no. There was another small boat dock that came out from the beach and separated the swimming area from the non-swimming area. When I returned to the water I decided to jump in from the boat dock but for some reason I jumped into the water on the non-swimming side witch I didn’t realize was deeper. I tried to swim back to the dock but I was panicking and couldn't, I struggled for a while but no one on the beach seemed to notice, I think everyone just assumed I was playing around. After a few minutes of struggle I went under, I don't know how long I was under but I remember giving up. Then I was outside my body looking at my self under water and then I rose above the water and I could see all around me 360 degrees. Above me, I sensed a very bright light above me but it was not the sun, it was omnipresent and brighter but not painfully bright. Even though I was outside I felt like there was no top, no sky no limit. Also, I was very calm, my panic and fear were gone. I was looking down on the water were I had gone under, I felt a little like a balloon floating up. By this time some people on the beach noticed I had gone under the water and hadn't come up and there was a commotion on the beach. A tall man with a beard and red shorts was the first to act and ran out onto the dock, jumped into the water and pulled me up. He was followed by another man and my father. I could see him holding me in his arms and then WHAM! I was back in my body and I started crying. Once I had gotten back to the beach and calmed down I tried to tell my mom that I was able to see them and that I watched the man jump in and save me and she said that was impossible because I was underwater. I remember wanting to tell her what I saw but I couldn't describe it. I was too young and I just didn't have the words. I never talked about it again until I was in college and I remembered it during a show on near death experiences on TV. I was like hay that happened to me! I told my girl friend at the time and read a book about it but I was still confused. My experience was much shorter and I made no contact with other beings, I still wonder what it means. I think I kept it suppressed all that time because I felt like it could not have really happened it didn’t fit reality also my mom told me it was impossible. But, it was always in the back of my mind especially when I would talk to friends that didn't believe in anything after death, I always felt like I knew something they didn't. This out of body experience is the clearest memory I have from that age. It probably lasted no more than 30 seconds but it was so sharp and real. By comparison, my other memories from that age are shadowy and foggy. I still will only talk about it to friends I trust, I think I just don’t want to deal with people who would question the experience. Plus I am still working out what it means to me. Age 4, summer morning, Glasgow, Scotland, not long after a garbage strike which saw an infestation of dock rats in my neighborhood, requiring the army to come out and kill them. I was excited, as it was the first time in a while that we were allowed to go outside. I was in the company of three other friends at the time. an older boy had climbed atop a “dike”, ( a wall between tenement buildings), and threw a large live rat at us. the rat bit into my face, and my heart stopped. my mother, on the 11th floor of the building, ran down the stairs to get me. I was dead for about 3 or 4 minutes, I guess, but I don't really recall the time, it's an assumption about how long it took her to get down the stairs, and get my heart started again (she's a registered nurse). I felt weightless, and calm. All around me was a green meadow, and it was still and quiet. it was bright sunshine. I felt no threat at all, and , in fact, have never to this day felt so at ease as I did at that moment. There were figures, human, one was a woman, and I have the impression that she was a dead person related to me, although I have no idea who she was. I was told that it simply was not time for me to go, and that I had to go back. I didn't want to, but I didn't have a choice, I started to breathe again, and the panic, and pain set in. I know that I feel perfectly calm about death to this day, and have spoken to many who are in fear of it. thank you I floated up to the ceiling and could see my body lying on the table. The doctors were alarmed and saying that they were losing me. I was not scared, I was with a couple of very kind people that I believed at the time were angels. They told me not to worry they would take care of me. I heard a whooshing sound and was being propelled up through a dark tunnel towards a light. As I looked around there were other people who I believed were angels who surrounded me in the tunnel, they were singing. I wasn't worried I felt very calm and happy. When I reached the end of the tunnel I was bathed in a bright warm light that felt very serene. I felt safe and happy. A woman held out her hand to me , she was lovely and I felt that she loved me and knew who I was. I felt safe in her company. I didn't know who she was. She held my hand while I heard a conversation between the angels who accompanied me and the voice that came from the light. The voice said that it was not my time. The voice said I had not had my children yet so I had to go back. I didn't want to go back! I wanted to stay where I felt loved and safe from harm. The beautiful lady said not to worry someday I would be back and she would see me then. I found myself back in my body. I woke up from the surgery and didn't tell anyone for many years what had happened. One day a few years after the surgery my mother showed me a picture of my paternal grandmother, who had died giving birth to my father. It was the lovely woman who held my hand at the other side of the tunnel. I had never seen a picture of her before. I was working as a deckhand on a tug boat and as we tied up to the barge I jumped off to connect the batteries to the running lights and while I was doing so I heard a yell from the tug from the chief Bill I ran back and Bill was looking down I looked and Rick was coming up . As soon as I could I probably grab him and with the snow that was falling I was close to slipping in as I was reaching down at least four feet. The tug was a couple feet off and by that time the first mate was kneeling on my legs so I wouldn't slip in. The tug was getting closer and as the rubbing streaks were the only things that were going to connect on Rick's head I couldn't let Him go so I squared my shoulders held his hand and let the tug start to squeeze me. All I can remember is I was scared because I couldn't get out and then I thought my ribs were going to mesh in with each other and I kept thinking the tug would have to stop soon only I didn't know why it wasn't stopping . I thought my head was going pop off and then BRUCE said hello Donnie just like the way he did in high school. I said hello and trusted him completely and as I was drifting by him he guided my to a beautiful white light and a swirling tunnel . Things seem to speed up and like a flash my whole life seemed to go by and I saw a body on the beech that I knew was mine and I asked whoever what was happing and a voice came back and you are drowning and then I saw my mother and my sisters Lorna and Mary- Lou crying at the kitchen table and I screamed out no. I didn't know which way to flail but when I hit the surface I took an awful big breath of air. It was probably close to ten at night and snowing heavy the visibility wasn't to good so I guess I looked south first and all I could see was a black east same thing north and then west and I could just make out a bit of light. I don't remember much from that point only as I got closer to the light I read the name on the back of a boat Flo and as I swam up the side of it I heard the engines and with a shock said you work there . As I swam around the bow I heard voices and Bill the chief engineer held out McRae My name came back and as I got closer Rick was hanging on a steel ladder but couldn't get his feet up so I reached up first time I felt any pain and with my arms on the ladder I put my head under Ricks butt and we both made it onto the barge. There were big snow flakes and I was on my knees looking up and all I could see was snow and then I was embarrass in front of all my coworkers I don't remember any thing after that except when I was on shift after we got left with the tow my shoulders could barely turn the wheel. I was talking to my friend at the bar. All of a sudden, I felt sweaty, light headed and faint. I got up to go outside to get some fresh air but apparently never made it. According to what I was told, I had collapsed on the floor. I remember being in a dark grey void. A voice said to me: “Richard, why are you here?” I said: “I want to come home.” The voice replied: “It's not time yet. You have more work to do. You have a family that loves you and that you need to take care of.” That's when the manager brought me around the first time. I guess I went out a second time and returned to the grey void. I said: “I want to stay.” The voice said: “What is your problem?” I said: “I don't know.” The voice replied: “You have to go back. You have to take care of your family.” That's the point I came to the second time. I really didn't want to go back. It was so relaxing, restful and peaceful in the void, but I reluctantly obeyed the voice and returned. After that, 4 EMT's kept monitoring my vitals which were all over the place and gave me oxygen until the ambulance came to take me to the hospital. They did the standard testing but really found nothing. In the days that followed, including today, I had developed a full blown case of the flu. I don't know if that's what knocked me out but I had always basically scoffed at NDE's up until this point. I suddenly found myself in a field full of wild flowers. There were also rolling hills. There was bright light everywhere, but I didn't see a source of the light. I ran through the field in extreme happiness. Up ahead I saw a fence. The fence was made of wood logs. They were thick poles that held up two rows of wood. The bottom row was about 18” off the ground, but it was hard to tell because the grass and flowers came up from the ground almost a foot. The second row of wood was about 18” above the bottom row. It expanded as far as I could see. I recall thinking, “I have to get over that fence.” However, I thoroughly enjoyed the time it to get there. I was filled with joy, peace, and contentment. When I arrived at the fence I started climbing over it. I was halfway across when I felt a touch on my shoulder. I looked to see who touched me (I wasn't frightened at all) and I saw who I thought was Jesus Christ. My family didn't attend church, but somehow I knew I was looking at Jesus. He didn't have an human body and he didn't look like an angel. It was more like a spiritual being. He told me, “You can't come yet.” I asked him why. Everything about me wanted to be over that fence. I was actually sitting on the top row with one leg on either side. I needed to experience what was across the fence. It looked the same, but it felt different. It was even better than the wonderful feelings I experienced running through the field to get there. I said, “Please let me come to the other side.” Jesus was kind but quite firm when he said, “No, Brandy, you must go back. There is much for you to do.” Suddenly, I was back in my body in the emergency room. I remained in a coma for about three weeks. When I woke up, I asked for a Bible. This experience began with hospital admission to have the gall – bladder removed and an umbilical hernia repaired. The gall – bladder job was expected to be regular keyhole surgery, but it was pointed out that it was sometimes necessary to ‘revert to the old method’ but that this could not be pre - determined . I was not apprehensive of the pending elective surgery - I usually quite enjoy a short break of this kind. I mention this only to eliminate any possible connection between fear and the event itself. At some stage during surgery, I suddenly found myself looking down on proceedings from ceiling height or a wee bit higher- (the ceiling wasn’t there). I was watching what I quickly realized was myself lying motionless on the table with green clad figures around it – but it wasn’t really me – I was here. I was instantly aware of my last memory of going off for the op. and was trying to make some sense of this new development. It soon dawned on me that I had an unusual clarity of mind and was completely fascinated by what was happening. I was ‘ here’ not ‘there’. What I was looking upon was like an old shell that somehow was familiar – like an earlier edition. Then, to get a better view, moving to the right a little was necessary….it immediately happened! It is possible to move just by thinking. I wasn’t aware of any sound or voices. I then remembered that I had read something of this kind of thing. (‘Life after Life’ Raymond Moody) I realized that it IS true! It would be around this point that what I was looking at just changed. Suddenly I was in a muted light pea green sort of environment. This was the main light color and I had never seen anything like this before. The light had a quality rather than intensity. Although very bright, the revitalizing was not in the slightest overpowering or unpleasant. It was natural light. The really strange thing about it was that this light provided sustenance. Whatever nourishment was required simply came from within this light. The feeling of indescribable well – being and comfort was completely overwhelming. This is central to it all. I was standing now, rather than sort of floating, as before. This was a place of healing and restoration and at some level it seemed I already knew this. I was not aware of anyone else in this place. Next, was the awareness that many folk were gathering just behind, out of view, all of them having been connected to me in some capacity at some time. I didn’t see or hear anyone. Just ‘knew’ it. A very strong sense of not to turn round was present. Also, realizing I could absorb a vast amount of simultaneous information through points located all over my body (I had a body) - the ankles in particular. It was possible to know what the folk behind were collectively thinking! The realization came that I had a choice of sorts to consider return or remain, but at the same time, it wasn’t really an option. Return, it was. This seemed to be connected to the sense of not to turn round! The next recollection was the recovery unit and the indescribably overpowering sense of loss and disappointment that accompanied this return to the everyday mind. The greatest loss was the absence of this miraculous light, which illumined not just the place, but the very soul, it seemed. The subdued lighting in that ward was, in contrast, like the despairing darkness of deepest winter. This is a very sketchy account of the whole thing and I cannot capture the essence of it at all. There was the feeling of exhilaration, of freedom and a complete absence of fear (of anything). I have no idea of how long this lasted, although it seemed for ever, but the effects of it are timeless. This was a completely natural experience and one I wish I could repeat. If this is ‘death’, then I’m for it! Some conclusions: I was ‘conscious’ throughout, although deeply anesthetized. I knew what was happening, knew I was having surgery. I knew who I was, with full memory of all immediate matters. There was no physical sensation at all, but mental awareness of everything - but with a different - a greater, enlarged consciousness now operating – with no effort on my part. I was simultaneously aware on 3 different 'life' levels. A major conclusion must be that consciousness is not seated in the brain, but much deeper. In the soul, perhaps? The term used to describe this is unimportant. This part of us is present throughout our earthly life and is our self created body which automatically becomes our vehicle for consciousness in the next chapter of the eternal life which we all have. Post surgery, I asked and was told that the gall bladder was detached using keyhole methods, but was unable to be removed this way. As the umbilical repair was to be done anyway, it was decided to remove the now separated gall bladder through this opening. Somehow, it slipped into the abdomen and had to be retrieved manually. I have no awareness of any of this at this juncture, but things may have begun about this point. The surgeon was fairly open, though guarded, about events – the ward staff all tight lipped. Hospital policy, perhaps, but I wondered if this was to prevent or minimize possible litigation. The whole experience has been of immense benefit to me and I would be happy to return there any day of the week. I know I have ‘seen’ what lies ahead of this chapter of life. I have no wish to convince anyone of anything, nothing to prove. I have deepened as a person as a result, with some sense of the eternal aspects of our continuing consciousness, unbroken, even for a split second. There was no sense of ‘time’ – it just didn’t exist – nor were any ‘doorways’ or walls of any kind to pass through. You just ‘were’ where you had to be. The folk behind were ‘real’ people, although I didn’t look round. Relatives, family, colleagues, like minded folk, etc. A great feeling of elation, of well being, an overwhelming feeling of a ‘Love’, a place I didn’t want to leave, and a residual feeling of a certainty of being, are the main features, but I’m trying – and failing - to describe something that is beyond words. What of religion? Forget it, I’d say. Those who trade in it, who advocate it, have no idea! It is man - made, but if it should produce well rounded more tolerant people, willing to help each other (all life really, there is no difference in essence between life forms, all have a common source and are therefore related), then it will serve a very useful purpose. We just don’t need the doctrinal approach at all. A hindrance to understanding – an abomination! I've spent years trying to condense the experiences. The first experience was brief, and I didn't remember much. Some dreams of light, but faded. 2nd experience was traumatic. The early stages strangely familiar. gray void, sensation of movement, no human form, very alone. Then the light, the drawing to it faster and faster. Not prepared for entry. The terrible rejection and falling away. Total loss of spirit. Scared myself out of the drug during the surgery. Dentists noted my reaction. Started an intense curiosity of religion, philosophy, metaphysics, e.s.p., etc. 3rd experience, was familiar now with the gray void, the alone feeling, no human form. Knew the light and the tunnel where next. Still could not enter. As I was drawn closer and closer, could not control my thoughts on just what the light was. There was doubt, fear, the terrible falling away again. Again, scared myself out of the drug during the surgery. Apparently scared the dentists as they refused to accept me as a patient after that. My mother took me to a different dentist. He was unaware of my reaction. I myself was unsure what was happening as at that time, was no knowledge of NDE's felt somewhat prepared this last time. Everything was expected, and happened exactly the same. The grey void, the light, the tunnel. I failed again. This time the light reappeared. With much humility, and a great feeling of being honored just to be in its presence, I recognized it as god. Was taken immediately in. This is where the words are hard to come by in the description of being one with the light. It's as though I can describe in human terms that which happens before, but words fail in the description of oneness. I can remember the feeling of hysterical laughter, not physical, but the pure energy that would make one feel that good, and repeating over and over,“ is this what it's all about”. It was wonderful. Then, this sonar sound. Distracting. just a bleep, but slowing. Now to a warble, then as clear as can be. It was the dentist screaming at me to open my eyes. He was frantic. Very scared. Nurse was frantically pulling the needle out of my arm. He was violently shaking me by the shoulders. Pleading. My mother was in the waiting room with others. They could hear this man yelling. I haven't been under anesthesia since. I've spent many hours in the fields sorting out these events. It took many years. I now feel that I understand how it works. I've come to the conclusion that its so simple as not to be understood by most. We simply 'judge ourselves' in the ability to trust totally in that light. That it is good. Without that trust, or faith, the negative NDE I've had a few. With this knowledge I am convinced that we are given many chances. Not just one as it seems with the falling away. That is my knowledge of the negative NDE. God is all loving, and forgiving. My knowledge of the positive NDE is as simple. I now feel I can see that light in everyone that I meet. The golden rule. Treat others as you wish to be treated. I will add that there were no religious icons or beings. Just me and the light. My goal in life is to return there. I was sitting with my 8 year old daughter by my mom's bed when she had a second stroke. This is a remarkable story and I hope you can use it. Mother was raised to believe if you were not perfect, you didn't go to heaven. She was born 11/11/11 and her mom died when she was 7. She and her siblings were raised by an abusive father. He beat them and gave some of them to other people. She married my dad at age 14 to get away and they were married 54 years when he died. We are all very close. Mother had an obvious problem and they came in and worked on her and after an hour or so we were allowed back in her room. She had been very sick. She was now GLOWING. The first thing she said was I have been to heaven and I saw my mother and now I know what she looked like. She was amazed because her dad and a brother who had been in jail were there too. They were all healthy and happy and loved her. Jesus told her she had to come back as she had things to do…this is the remarkable part. She had always been very depressed. The next 4 months were the most difficult of her life physically and yet everyone she met was told of the Lord's love for them. She sang hymns all the time and witnesses constantly. If she peed she thanked God for it. It was an unbelievable change. She told my daughter that she saw her smoking and doing something she shouldn't and that she was to be very careful with her activities in the future. My daughter listened and thought it was sweet but didn't believe her. (Later she became a heroin addict but has now been clean for 6 years.) The emphasis was on her family of origin but the last thing she saw was my 81 year old dad walking down the street in a young, healthy body, about 30 years old. What a blessing for us to have this experience. She literally could hardly contain herself until she could get back to heaven. ndes - second part of 2005 I experienced an NDE due complications during surgery. An artery burst when the surgeon tried to remove an organ, causing a hemorrhage that filled the stomach and I went into cardiac arrest. I was clinically dead for 8 minutes. They put me on an artificial respirator, drained my lungs and stomach. Then I was saved and returned to life. I had the impression of I had died. But I became aware of my inert body on a table covered with cloth. I had difficulty recognizing myself. Here is my account, I strived to put all I remember in it. Sorry for the spelling, I’m of Spanish origin, I learned French quite late. Congratulation for your site, I love what you do, bravo! I’ve been hit by a car traveling at over 30 Mph, I did not feel any shock but some sort of electrocution, then darkness. 2 seconds later I was shot for a few seconds in the center of some kind of tunnel, then, all of a sudden, I instantly stopped, I was a few hundred yards away from the shock, the accident, over the Seine river, I floated; the feeling was very strange as if I had some difficulty breathing, I tried to breathe again, I did not need it anymore though, It took me a moment to stabilize myself. I felt a very strange energy, as if the air would vibrate and would be denser, and I understood that this energy was life, it was as if there were heat streams circulating in all directions, no more gravity, no heat, no cold. Some kind of well-being pervaded me. “What am I doing here! I was going to work, but what am I doing here?” I then reviewed the events: I went out of the café, I waited at the crosswalk and… a car headlight about one feet from me, then blackness, like a mix of panic, sadness, intense fear, “But he killed me! Oh my God, I’m dead!”. I immediately thought I should go back in, find my body. I then tried to find out where I was and I immediately recognized the Seine wharfs, but everybody was slowed down, as it were, cars and pedestrians circulated very slowly and sometime stopped, all these walkers and cars were surrounded by some sort of a halo or radiating golden yellow bright orange light, I could not believe what my eyes saw, but I had no eyes anymore and there was some kind of ambient hiss, very steady, rather like a permanent quite high pitched hum, fear and panic ceaselessly grew. Then, as I wanted to watch more closely, I bent forward… Well, I did not really know what “I” was, but I had a center of gravity somewhere, leaning forward, I’ve been propelled in the tunnel again. Surprised by this new shock, I straighten up and suddenly I immediately stopped, let say a 100 yards away from where I previously stood. “Amazing!” did I say to myself, I summoned up all the courage I had left and had a try again, I bent forward and again this flash acceleration. I realized that the tunnel effect was due to my own super rapid movement, I made 4 other attempts until I could control this acceleration each time. More and more I liked this state, all the more so that all bodily restrictions did not exist anymore. But I was to discover later that space and time physical restrictions did not apply either. I could not believe what my “eyes” saw, all my life had been so tied to these restrictions, and to my total lack of faith in soul existence, let alone in a superior Being… I was to get a big shock!!! Once the euphoria of this finding was gone, I ceaselessly repeated to myself, “S…, I’m really dead, s…, I’m really dead, s…, I’m really dead…”,while looking around, trying to detect some sign that would reveal it was just a dream, maybe I would wake up in my bed, “S…, I’m really dead. Well! It’s over!”, did I say to myself. While I was so astounded to still be myself, I was even more astounded, though, that we are not just biology, as I was convinced that the energy we produce ame from our very existence in this universe and that, unfortunately, despite my natural curiosity for all religions, this energy would vanish at death. I started to think to my relatives; all of them, “one by one”, I thought about what they did, their temper and what I felt, this feeling of closeness was much more intense than before. But I felt that I was unwillingly going away. Then, Mum , she’ll think “What a misfortune, he goes to work on the morning, and at 2 pm he dies.”, The sorrow she was going to feel immersed me into a pain and despair I have never know before, such a feeling of powerlessness. I wanted to go and advise her that I did not suffer, and that I indeed felt super well. Even if I was terrified. But not knowing the possibilities I had in this state, the distance to be covered in acceleration seemed huge to me, all the more so that with this acceleration I did not control anything, I just had the effects, as if I were sucked. it was located just 25 miles away down south, though. Then with some kind of cowardice I said to myself that I was not the first one to die, that she would understand that life is that way, but first of all, with an egotism that was typical of me, I had another project. Now that I could accelerate, I wanted to know which speed I could reach, and it seemed easier upwards than toward all these glows below, And I wanted to see the earth from space so much. I said to myself that I had no more need to eat or sleep, I felt no cold, no heat, and with the acceleration I thought I could travel in the galaxy without any time or distance limitation. I made my decision, like the Silver Surfer, I go, I deeply think to myself, “Farewell Mum, farewell Mankind that so much disappointed me, and farewell to myself who has not been courageous enough to resist these chronic disparities between humans in pain and suffering.”. I was ashamed about it then, but with some disgust, I turned upwards, I bent forward and the acceleration started. But this time I tried to control it, and I managed to accelerate more progressively. That was incredible, I ceaselessly said to myself, “I’m dreaming”, “I’m dreaming”, “I’m dreaming”. I already fancied traveling through cosmos, then, an infinitely powerful and firm power grabbed me from below, it did not hurt me though, it pulled me downwards, I just stand “face to face” with a very vague face, in mid air, I just saw the face. Whereas I felt so sad and relinquished, with incredible kindness and humor, that made me feel indescribable hilarity and joy, he said to me, - What are you lugging behind? He referred to a small outgrowth I had behind my head, at the place where would have been a bag that one would bear on one’s shoulders. As I did not feel this outgrowth before, turning around, I felt that I got connected, it was some kind of backups of my memories over my whole life, like icons, you just had to look at one to view the memory under the form of a small movie, however, by touching it I could also enter it, and I felt the emotion of the memory. Hiding my surprise, I don’t know why, I said to myself, “Gee!”. I told him, “Some memories” “You don’t need it anymore!” “But these memories are just what I want to keep!” “Why?” “To remind me where I come from. I want to explore the universe! Hey!” Then he looked at my whole bag, all memories I had brought with me, or we rather looked both at it, I felt somewhat ashamed, but he steadily reassured me, I felt that he did not really gave any importance to what he saw, he just looked at what was there, he did not judge anything. I still do not understand why I should not bring anything with me, otherwise I guess I would not relate it anymore now. However, the more I spoke with this face, the more my memories seemed childish and of no actual interest to me. I had no idea of the size. “How can one travel to other worlds?” “You just need to really want it, that’s very easy.” “Are there other inhabited planets?” “Yes, many. I felt in him a knowledge that exceeded by far what I could grasp, I also felt that he was ready to deliver at once everything to me, as if I had some kind of incredible clarity in my thoughts, at that moment I had the feeling I “UNDERSTOOD”, I did not know what, though. But I just had to ask, because without the right questions there was no answer, just some kind of feeling that I had the answers available (myself), only incomplete answers though. However I have nothing tangible left today, just some vague feelings, that he pointed out to me some stars in a galaxy and also space images. But he did not want to tell me how one could go there… well, not explicitly, in addition I was blissfully surprised. Just when I was about to tell him that I was about to leave and a long trip that awaited me, and I was very happy I had met with him. Out of respect for his kindness, I didn’t dare asking him who he was, But I felt he had sensed what I was about to say before I uttered it. Then, all of a sudden a cat iris shaped light, white and glowing with quite thin edges like red orange fused magma, opened in mid sky and I was violently projected inside it. After some time, when I had the feeling that I had lost the course of the events, like a black out; I raised “my head” and I was instantly made bow low, down to the ground, as if I were strongly maintained in this bow low position, I was unable to straighten up despite several attempts (I have always been quite a rebel). It was similar to a very powerful gravity force or a huge intangible weight that would crush me onto the ground. Then, suddenly this pressure instantly stopped. I felt totally confused; I was coming back from lunch, just living my everyday life, in addition I felt I was becoming crazy and, honest, I began to freak out. I wanted all this “insanity” to stop, I was about to cry but couldn’t. This time I discreetly gave a look, everything around had a very bright glow, it was pleasantly warm, there was some sort of big white cubes of different sizes, I could make out their ridges, but I couldn’t see much as I was at ground level and in a crisis state. I felt that I could go totally confused any moment. And I saw, just in front of me a very tall BEING, wholly made of light, with a dazzling whiteness, and all over much longer light rays that radiated from him, the sweetness of that place was intense, all of a sudden I’ve been overwhelmed by a feeling I can only describe as the strongest, purest love, a feeling similar to what we feel on Earth when we are much in love, that kind of vibration that makes us vibrate with all our being, when at last you meet or you know you are going to meet with your “soulmate”, I wish that everybody would feel that love at least once in their life. Anyway, this feeling-emotion was multiplied by 100, it was an indescribable emotional orgasm, I really thought then that I was dying, but of pleasure. It was quite unbearable, it totally overwhelmed me, I felt, though, it was only a tiny part of what he was able, and that he was ery cautious, but for me it exceeded all I could conceive. I understood that it was what “he” felt that I felt, not an emotion of mine, and this love so intense was the love he had for all mankind, not for me. That a so powerful being could love us to such an extent, us, so primitive beings, that astounded me, let alone an atheist like me who believed what he saw, and thought that religions were just ancestral remnant of Man’s quest for explaining his incomprehensible existence. He made explanations to me without words, but with a voice. That was very odd and his voice had immense sweetness, but strangely, an incommensurable power emanated from it, I sensed in him a limitless power but first of all his will, I felt it was very powerful in me, the weight of each word he said sounded like implacable, he radiated an incredible power. He said that it was totally minor, that our intentions most import to them. This is the question they systematically ask: What was your intention? Believe my words, whatever your religion, they see everything. But more important, they are much more forgiving about our worldly flesh state than Companies and Denominations which are here on Earth though. One thing I deeply felt too is that he doesn’t like suicide at all, unless you have very serious reasons for that. Their sense of empathy has no limit. All of a sudden, I was not this luminescent vapor anymore, but myself, in my body, 20 years younger though. With me was a man wearing a white tunic, about 5’ 7” tall, black eyed, a metis, I sensed he was uneasy. He went ahead, I followed him, I knew where he was going, I knew the place well. I wondered why he had such a humble look, and why he seemed so awkward. Again I felt he had sensed my thoughts, without turning back and myself still following him, I suddenly saw that he had tiny radiant white light flashes on the back of his neck, on his shoulders, it was splendid. I had the feeling to be in a Hollywood movie, and we were in a place where, when I was younger, I had been scared one night while was going home and walking through a park. He said: - “What are we here for?” He asked that to me, whereas I did nothing, but I understood that he indeed meant: why this scene was so present in me. I didn’t even know myself. There in darkness, there was something, I was scared and I felt the same fear as I did then, I rather felt I had been scared though, because now and for long I am not scared by darkness anymore. But this friend went and had a look in darkness, he came back, dashing, lifting his feet high in tall grass, which was not easy with a tunic, I refrained laughing with difficulty. -“There’s nothing there!” he said with a disappointed look on his face, Right then, I felt so stupid, not daring to tell him I knew it, but he was so kind. He took me onboard for a complete tour of my life, at such a speed that I hardly had enough time to see and feel the most striking moments. It was incredible, as if he was connected in a network with me. Still at a surprising speed, nothing to do with a dream in which image speed is so slow compared to it, it’s like upgrading from 20 Mhz to 20 Ghz (for PC experts), I could not keep up with movement speed, after I was tossed in all directions, everything stopped at once. Theen again, this feeling to show up somewhere else, I raised my head, I felt much more relaxed than when I had arrived, I made out that I was in the center, on some kind of flat oval surface with white rounded edges, everything was white. I sensed that there was many things around, very joyful, laughing and kindly mocking presences, I felt that my heart wanted to touch them, it was as if a small voice told me that I knew all this, but I was not allowed to see them. Again, I am facing this glowing Being whom I today call My Lord, as He is My Lord. At that moment I felt that he separated from me, as if he was talking to someone else, but he stood still in front of me, He was like a sun with a steady and even colored radiance, I could hardly make out a very vague “humanoid” form. But as soon as I tried to see more, to discern his forms behind this radiation, he appeared so full of love to me, that I had to give up because this love dazzled me so much, not my eyes, but my spirit, such a knowledge, such a speed in his thoughts, I was outdistanced, it was as if you needed to have a love equal to his in order to stand it and see further, I was far from that level, it was as if I was forced to surrender and give up my desire to understand, because all his Being made me so helpless and immerged me in a wonderment state. I had no other choice than looking at him and not seeking further. Everything was so white, we stayed facing each other for 2 or 3 minutes, I did not sense anything from him. It seemed a long time to me because I did not know what he expected from me, or may be he was sparing me at that time. I felt cold pervade me, as if I did not bathe in his blissful light anymore, an awful loneliness feeling too, and I understood then that I was going back to my “normal” state, and the further back I could remember of, I had always been cold and I had always been lonely without knowing it. But, as he did not “hold” me anymore, I progressively recovered my mind, I recalled everything, the accident, the trips, my first encounter with him, how he grabbed me when I wanted to go and see space; and as it seemed that his conversation was still going on, I was then “well awake”… well, despite all these images that still swirled in my mind. I felt lonely, I tried to say something, but I did not know how to speak, anyway I had the feeling that no sounds were uttered. Then I remembered the acceleration, indeed, you just have to wish it. So thanks to an intense effort to express a sound, the only thing I thought of saying was: “Who are you? How do you do that?” Suddenly, without any movement, I felt his warmth again, the well being he gave me was huge, I was already an addict at it. I felt well again, I did not want him to let me go again, but I felt then quite a strong annoyance in him, I was unable to read in him though, I’ll never know why, however I had the feeling that it was not because of the questions I had asked, but something else. Anyway, the way I spoke in this world of sweetness must have sounded like a booming scream, because I made really a big effort to utter these few words. But now I have understood that their communication mode is different, I cant grasp how they did though. Saying nothing, with a gesture of what would be his glowing hand, I was again in an acceleration tunnel, and 1 second afterward I entered my body with the same violence as when I had left it. I immediately regained consciousness, I was laying down in the middle of the road, unable to move. The car was on the pavement, it had rammed a post. The most puzzling thing is that the driver is supposed to have immediately gotten out of his car to see whether I was still alive, but when I opened my eyes, he was not out of his car then. Indeed, this adventure, this dream, I still don’t know, lasted less than 5 seconds, that’s the time the driver needed to get out of his car. Three months of recovery later, my inner life has drastically changed and so did my faith in mankind. But since then I still feel a bit cold and often feel somewhat lonely even in a group, because I never told this story to anybody. I had never heard about these experiences, or maybe once in the “Cosby Show”, an episode in which Bill Cosby, sitting on his couch, said he was in a tunnel, and the little girl answered not to go to the light (laughter). It had seemed nonsensical to me. I thought I was the only one who had what I considered as a delirium or a hyper ultra realistic dream or a very privileged experience. I believe this is the reason why I kept all that to myself. When I started searching on the internet, I burst into tears as I understood there are lots of similar accounts, however, I believe you need a strong psychological stamina to live with it in our society. But no psychic or medium powers, just some shadows, I got an appointment at the ophthalmologist. Maybe a message of hope about the need for intense prayer when we need help. When I think again to My Lord I feel like a sweet warmth pervades my body from inside, something I never felt before. Love each other, sure, even if it is impossible, for me too, that we could love each other the way They love us. I was wakeboarding and I crossed the wake. I spun my board around to switch directions and I pushed the nose of the board down and face planted into the water. Instead of letting go of the rope automatically, I let go too late and the handle caught my forearm. The boat dragged me about two feet through the water with my board pulling the other way. What I thought was a vision passed through me. I saw myself under water being dragged by the rope and my arm being pulled. It was only a brief episode and the rope finally came off my arm. It was like I was next to my body sitting in the water watching myself be dragged. Then I came up from the water. For a moment I didn't know what had happened until I realized my arm was in great pain. I pulled myself together and realized where I was. I started screaming and my Dad came and dove into the water and pulled me onto the boat. I felt sick and weak. I felt like I was going to pass out. As a teenager I had a serious accident that nearly killed me - this is my personal account of a near death experience and how it radically impacted my life. The pushbike rapidly gathered momentum as I pedaled hard down the steep hill. I could feel the December sun warm on my back and hear the wind whistling through my hair - it was good to be alive. My enthusiasm for risk and speed gave me an adrenalin kick - but was about to be my fatal tango with death. My pushbike was a fixed wheel racer, just one gear with no free spin, and the pedals just kept coming around as the bike moved forward. As I leaned further into the corner to navigate the left hand turn at the bottom of the hill I could feel the wheels start to slide out on the loose gravel and then the pedals came around to lift the back wheel clean off the road! I had totally lost control of the bike!! The bike leapt from the road, crashing out of control, and buckled into a mangled heap of twisted metal. At the same time, I as a helpless passenger was launched from the seat and hurtled through the air, smashing face first into the concrete curb. I was knocked out cold and lay on the road in a pool of blood totally unconscious. The lady in the nearby house seeing the accident happen ran screaming from her verandah to try and help. She lifted my limp hand but could not feel any pulse. The ambulance was called and I was rushed off to the hospital. I lay in a coma in the hospital bed for the next 5 days! I don't remember hitting the curb. Instead I was standing in a place out of this world on the side of a gently sloping hill. After a trip through space at incredible speed, I found myself in this amazing place? Was this heaven? The grass lay flat on the undulating hill as if it had been wind swept over many years. I realized that I was not alone. Beside me stood someone dressed in brilliant white. The sky was totally dark behind me and to either side - but there was a light in front - over the top of the hill - a brilliant white light like the rising of the early morning sun that made me fell like I was glowing inside. The person beside me, perhaps an angel, took me by the hand and we slowly walked up the hill together. And as we did the light shining beyond the top of the hill became brighter and brighter. The next moment I was looking over various scenes of my life - past, present and future. I saw my life replayed before me like I was watching a three dimensional movie - a live drama. Each scene I saw in detail exactly how it happened as I seemed to flick right through my life story right up to my present age of fifteen. Each scene was real with plenty of time to reflect, yet it all seemed to take no time at all. I felt very exposed watching all this, yet the one in white standing next to me did not appear to judge me - rather I seemed to judge myself. Then I had a glimpse into the future. I saw myself standing on a stage in front of many people. Beyond the spotlight that shone out of the darkness I could make out a sea of faces eagerly looking up towards the stage. The host motioned for me to step towards the microphone and as I moved forward I began to speak the gospel message of Jesus Christ. Jesus loves you with an everlasting love. He loves you so much that he died in your place to free you from sin so you can experience new life in him. And then there were hands, many hands, being raised in response to the Gospel - to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. As these scenes flashed before me I realized that we had reached the top of the hill, poised on the edge of a chasm. Standing on the edge and looking out over the panoramic scene before me I could see a magnificent city in the distance. It was sparkling in the sun as though it was made of diamonds like something you would read about in a fairytale story. I was being asked by the person in white if I wanted to enter into heaven - the holy city. If I saw it I could never return to the earth or my family. Or did I want to go back into my physical body on earth. I would love to stay here in this wonderful place. I knew that I was made for this. But now I could see glimpses of my family crying and praying for me. My heart was divided. I so wanted to stay here and enter into heaven, but I also sensed that God had an awesome plan for me to be a part of. Maybe I should return to earth. Yes. I will go back. I had made the decision. I know I was shown more than this, yet the words kept ringing in my ears “you will not remember the things you have seen, you will not remember the things you have seen….” It was like coming out of a fog, a deep sleep, and all the time I was trying to hold onto the many scenes as I could, but felt them slipping, slipping, slipping…. Mum was sitting behind the motionless body on the hospital bed. Suddenly the room was filled with the presence of the glory of God….still in the coma I had began humming the tune of a hymn. A day later there was a peace in the hospital room as I came out of the coma and opened my eyes. After about a week they let me look in the mirror. I didn't recognize myself - I stared back at the monster in the mirror with bloodshot eyes, two teeth snapped in half, and a layer of crusty flesh peeling off my face and all over my body from sliding in the gravel. What a sight! What an encounter! An experience I thought no-one would believe, but God had impacted my life - for eternity. Fourteen years later I was in Madras in India on a missionary trip. As I stood on the back of an oxen cart in one of the small villages and stepped up to the microphone to share the gospel message, I suddenly realized I had been here before. The light shone out of the darkness, the pastor gave an invitation to the audience and thirty to forty Indians raised their hands in response and asked Jesus into their hearts. God is outside time. He created time and space, the world and the universe, and has a plan for each one of us. Are you ready for the journey? The choice is yours!! I was very depressed over many issues and felt very alone . I had been given sleeping pills from a doctor and planned throughout that day that I would take them all ,there were 29 in the packet . I went to bed that night at 10.00pm . I lived with my parents at that time .it was the following morning my mother came to wake me around 7.30am . she couldn't and called my father . I was totally unconscious my mum told me my body had gone into a fitting state before I stopped breathing. however I remember watching myself above my body looking down I saw my father come into the room and he was performing CPR the next thing I remember is waking up in the ambulance hooked up to heart monitors and oxygen , I had never believed in out of body experiences until that moment but now I do feel yes there is something out there ,I'm not sure what or why ,thankfully I didn't make it ,I hurt the people I love the most, my family don't talk about that day , I'm not sure if they believe what I saw but I know my father brought me back . NDERF does not endorse encourage or advocate for suicide in any way, shape or form. I entered a turn on my motorcycle too fast. I have no memory of this part. it is always a bone chill of fear when you come close and something you can always recall in detail. Instead, this time, I was viewing me riding my cycle, even noting the dust from my rear wheel, as I was riding off the shoulder of the road parallel trying to dissipate speed. I seemed to be viewing from 20 ft altitude and 75 ft away from the bike. In the next instant, all of me was on the bike trying to regain control. the bike slid from the shoulder into a ditch to a sudden stop from 50 mph [police estimate]. I sustained 3 broken badly ribs which gave no end to pain and misery ,still. I used to think it was just physics and the lay of the land that dictated outcome in a accident. it was that sudden stop with no sliding, just like flying a plane into the side of a mountain, that almost killed me…… 5 years ago I crashed a ultra light airplane. I was approaching the runway at 250 ft above the ground when a sudden gust of wind got under my wing and forced me into graveyard spiral spin. I was unable to quickly regain control and soon became disoriented from the spin itself. The wing of the plane was perpendicular to the earth and I was corkscrewing down. More disconcerting ,was the strobe effect of full exposure to the sun followed by the full shade of my wing in rotation. It took no more than 30 seconds to impact from time of loss or control . My eyes could not possibly adjust to this light change. It seemed longer, of course. I knew I was going to die and that was that.“ there was nothing else to do but wait and hope it will be quick .”i mulled this over and over. Suddenly, crash-boom followed by several more crash booms… I opened my eyes in a brown cloud alive, maybe? I crawled out cutting my left thumb, slightly. That was my worst injury. The plane was totally destroyed and did not resemble a plane at all. The wing tip hit first the plane cart wheeled to a stop. I have pictures i took immediately after the crash. Even have some of the emergency vehicles approaching…………… Why out of body this time in a compressed time frame and not in a classic scenario like 5 years ago? I was installing an art show at a well known non-profit gallery where I worked as lead preparator at the time and the artists show opening was that day and they asked for my help to remove paint from the floor of the gallery that they spilled the previous night while frantically trying to finish the art installation. so while scrubbing in a pool of water on my hands and knees one of the artists placed a few clamp lights on the floor in an attempt to dry the floor because they were worried about the opening that night, I noticed the lights and said to the artist we had a floor dryer and mentioned that it was dangerous to place lights in a pool of water where someone was working (me). I grabbed one of the lights while still on my hands and knees in an attempt to turn it off and the next thing I know a lightning bolt of electricity is running from the clamp light through my arms, chest and head and then all of the sudden I am surrounded by this white glowing beautiful light, it is a peaceful amazingly comforting feeling, I feel so safe and whole, part of the universe, it as if I am somehow part of a fog or mist of the universe, I am not scared and actually feel the most peace I have ever felt. …and then suddenly, I am jerked back to my body, I am holding the light and the three people in the room are standing over me. my whole body quivers and aches, I feel extremely hungry and sick all at the same time, I remember being in shock and standing up, walking out the building to the cafe down the street (I was a regular there) an relaying my experience as I slammed a sandwich like I hadn't eaten in a week, The guy who worked there said I looked very pale and I suddenly realized what really happened so I staggered back to the gallery where I almost passed out twice. Everyone was there waiting for me, I guess I had made quite the scene one all fours holding a light with my eyes rolled back in my head being electrocuted, one of the artists thankfully noticed me after who knows how long, to me it seems like a year, well she unplugged the lamp cord and that is when I came out of it. So my initial shock was followed by nausea, vomiting and general sickness for 4 days. The gallery was a nonprofit and had no workers comp for me so the gallery director called the hospital instead of bringing me in and they said that nothing can be done to alleviate severe electric shock aftereffects so I was sent home to recover and my astounding recovery includes healing of old health conditions and clearer vision. Mental clarity and awareness of my personal powers and strengths, I truly felt great and felt I had a calling in life. Anyhow, I had suffered from complicated migraines and petite mal epilepsy since an early teen prior to the incident, well I haven't had a full blown seizure since then. (I still suffer occasional light flashes and headaches). I also pursued my career as an artist in earnest (with no money or support) I also discovered a newfound fascination with light, electricity and shadow. I guess it was the electric shock that really drew me to my true calling making beautiful lights. It was really an awful feeling after I awoke from that experience to realize just how scary that was and that I was not ready to die, not at all ready to die….. I can’t remember everything in detail since it was so long ago. I was around 10 years old or so. My family was at a State Park and I was swimming in the lake. At that time I didn’t know how to swim–so you can say I was just “playing”. Since I tended to be somewhat mischievous I kept going out into deeper water. I intended to stop once it was up to my chin area. What I didn’t realize was that there was an immediate 5 foot drop-off just after the area enclosed by a line with buoys on it. I went immediately under and was fighting to get to the top. After thrashing around for a short period I distinctly remember a tremendous jerk within my mind—-almost like something automatically was occurring that was a natural part of the dying process. And then suddenly I was outside of my body floating in this semi-conscious state. I was completely content and was not struggling anymore—in fact, I was unbelievable happy and felt like I was enveloped by a loving presence. The next thing I remember was my father dragging me out of the deep end into the shallow area. Quite honestly I was disappointed because I did not want to leave this state–I was so happy there. My father got me to shore and I recovered. He came into the lake with his clothes on and then when he was out of the water he started taking his money out of his wallet and drying it on the sand. I remember him saying “you were just about a goner.” Here is one of my accounts… This one is subsequent to a suicide attempt … I am staggering, however, I manage to progress in this January storm, snow pushed by icy squalls scourge my face, I cannot make it anymore, my strength is leaving me, I feel like I’m going to black out. I collapse! I can spot landmarks, though, showing that there is only a hundred meters to cover to reach the house. Countless thoughts momentarily flash by my mind, am I going to die frozen in a snow bank, get naively and stupidly hit by the snow plough, just saying nothing, “You’re worth more than this, man! You’re going to rise and walk the …meters left. No way you are staying and wearing out in this … storm!” did I shout with all my might. Don’t ask me how I found the energy to get to that door, but never such a short distance did seem so long to me, in calculable time. Over a dozen times, I see myself falling and rising up again. My blurred sight made me see mirages, oasis like in the novels I read as a youngster, relating fantastic tales which occurred in the most arid and deep deserts. Somehow, I eventually reached the portal of this mountain house, no one ever had such difficulty opening a door, I felt it should weight at least one ton. Eventually it opened, I fell like lead, feeling the heat of this unpretentious house enveloping me, as if knowing that I needed its help. I certainly remained half an hour on the floor, maybe more, knocked down by Mother Nature, slowly recovering after my stormy journey. This was but the start of this long night, which would mark my life for ever. I approximately recover my sense, at least, my body does not freeze to death anymore. But I suddenly remember what led me to go out that night of January 1989. I could not take it anymore, the pain of not knowing who I was, what I really wanted in life, having to leave everything and find myself alone in this universe, having to rebuild a reality, not living from human understanding and loosing all my family, my friends, that was too much. I open the loop so as to mention the background for you… A few hours earlier, I had swallowed a hundred aspirins, about twenty Empracet and other small pills stocked in the family home medicine chest. Then I decided to confront myself to God in the village church, never mind the temperature, he was going and had to answer me. I was coming back from that village when I started to lose my strength on my way back. I had cursed God for all my misfortunes. Why had I to go through this agony? Why had he abandoned me, leaving me in the deepest spiritual darkness and loneliness? Why did all my existential questions remained unanswered, even by eldest, supposedly wise, in my congregation? But a soothing internal voice told me then to turn back, I was to get all the answers in due time. So did I, empty-handed and speechless, tears were running down my face wounded by my anger, my suffering. I turned back from the church and headed for my parents house. Its on that path that this account gathers us. I reenter the loop! My mind remembers all that the cold had managed to erase from my memory. I had struggled not to die frozen by a simple winter night, to better die in warmth. I don’t try anymore to understand the often blatant contradictions of the human mind, I could loose my life in endless questioning, sic! I quietly get up, stagger to the bathroom, having to climb a dozen steps which, at that moment, looked like edges to be overcome in an obstacle race, but with no training. Around me, everything is distorted, my face in the bathroom mirror looks like pictures of the movie “The Ring”. I decide to have a shower, for the last time I want to feel water pearl on my body, soothing me. I believe that my choice to end here cannot be questioned anymore, death is welcome, I cannot go backward anymore, and I accept that. My mind becomes more and more confused, I even lose my balance. my body slowly falls, as if everything were idling, then the shock on the floor, brutal and painful, this shock unexpectedly brings me back to present reality, I am dying! Tough reality, but I find the strength to get up and head for my room, my personal shelter, my cave, my secret garden. I have to apologize to you, very dear readers, as from the shower to the bed I have no recollection but for the bedside table, on which the letter pinned by means of a scalpel, and addressed to my parents isn’t there anymore! So they are aware and did nothing, so, nothing holds me back to this world anymore. I see myself bedridden, suffering in agony, the cocktail I swallowed takes full effect now. Intensified torments, jolts, convulsions, tears, vomit and suddenly, unexpectedly, calm, fullness. I don’t feel anything, a total but soothing void, everything is black there. But where am I? Is this the death corridor welcoming me that way, just so peacefully. I never felt so well, is this the nirvana looked for by so many yogi masters, soul pacification, liberation, encounter with another reality? I can’t tell, let alone analyze it, I can just relate it to you. So, this one of my epics as a “thanatonaute” (see Bernard Werber “Les Thanatonautes” the death travelers). Real story or imagination of a dying conscience or sub conscience, jolts of a mind which sense its end, I can’t tell, nothing is for sure! Just words, words to tell this life episode, this story out of the common. Being rational, objective, open minded, always keen on learning all facts, I cannot myself grasp the whole scope of it. I just share it, with a main concern: humility. So, I was saying: a feeling of absolute blessing, encounter with the divine, I am flying through the stars, with a velocity that I did not know, which even best adventure novels could not describe. I am among the stars, I am a star, I sense glowing trickles which all head for one direction, toward a point at the end of the universe. Towards what, and why, I don’t want to question that, I just thoughtlessly follow. What could be worse? Hell? Don’t make me laugh… I’m rocketing through the stars and behold the beauty of this known universe, but maybe not that known. I am following the shooting stars surrounding me, are they all dead souls heading for the unknown, never mind. I don’t want to go backward, leave this for a life of questions and loneliness, pooh! It’s not worth. I am dashing, when all of a sudden I feel something, someone who holds me back. I hear a voice telling me not to proceed, it pulls me by this light string trailing behind me since I entered this new world. I look back and see that entity, calm, faceless, with womanly ways, who tells me: “Wait, what are you doing? You can’t decide yourself the time when you leave, you have a mission to fulfill, no way they will let you leave that world this way. You have to go back and do what you have to do.” “Never,” did I answer, “never shall I go back. And you won’t change my mind, who are you to tell me what I have to do? What is this mission or purpose you are talking about?” “Just follow me.” did she say insistently but with a softness to which the most precious silk in this world does not compare. There, oddly, in the middle of nowhere, I found myself in the center of a starred room. The walls were covered in star light, just stars. The entity guided me to the center of the room and headed for what seemed to be a council. She got to her place, I sensed a peace in her, as she would have just prevented the irredeemable; all of a sudden, I felt surrounded, as if by teleportation, the others showed up. Those I now nickname, when the topic is broached, the council of the seven or the nine (I am not quite sure anymore as sometime in dreams the number appears different to me, I should get hypnotized to get a more accurate knowledge of facts, ha ha ha). At that moment, I have the feeling to be in a court of justice, but instead of our dull judges, nameless, faceless, genderless, light beings are just there around me. This feeling was only short lasted as a wise and mature voice then told in my hear, “Why do you want to end this way, didn’t you offer to fulfill this mission yourself on this planet? Did you forget the purpose of your coming to earth? Did taking shape and living among them made you sink that much into oblivion?” Oddly, that voice was familiar to me, but not from my living experience. Far in my dreams maybe? In my furthest recollection, I could not find memory of a man talking to me this way. “You must go back to where you come from. Your time has not come.” said to me another, somewhat sharper voice. “Who do you think you are, that you want to decide your fate?” did utter a voice on my left, more hostile than the previous ones. “Take it easy, don’t forget that his mind left our world for a long time and he may be altered by all those centuries spent in the other world.” claimed the entity who took me out from my celestial ascension. “But you cannot remain among us, you chose it, you must complete it of your own will.” did she say. “But what mission are you talking about? I don’t understand anything to what you are saying, I don’t want to go back there. This loneliness is too deep and agonizing! You are going to answer, tell me what this mission is, who you are, who am I?” A voice outmatching the meeting group instantly settled the matter, no one would have even wanted or thought of whispering or sighing, “You’ll understand in due time, no answer would content you. Let time act, be strong, don’t doubt and you will know. Answers will be given in due time, it is up to you to capture them. Nothing is given for free to the knowledge keys keeper.” The one who removed me from my sidereal trip, told me in her calm and serene voice, “Come on, many trials await you, don’t doubt, don’t look for the answers, you will get them when the time has come. Be self confident, listen to your inner voice, your feeling, and you shall know. You don’t need anything, just by living you will find your way. Along your path you will find those who, like yourself, don’t know but slowly progress on the road. Believe in yourself, listen to your inner voice.” After those words, I don’t remember anything, void, nothingness. Since over 15 years I’ve been wondering, why me, I ‘ve been regressing, doubting. A quantity of different events occurred to me, in due time I will be able to relate them to you in order for you to make your mind. I visited psychiatrists, wise men, psychics and specialists to whom I asked my questions. Am I normal? What does this mean? Why me? It must be my imagination playing tricks on me. All answered the same way, why are you doubting, why are you looking for an affirmation whereas you do know what you have to do. Presently, after having analyzed all possible ways, I do not allege anything, I have no answer to give, I don’t want to be anybody’s master, but I just have to share. May be will you be the one who will clarify for me! I have many ideas, many thoughts, but oddly no question, maybe because I wondered too much and I got short of questions. I read the great masters, I opened to the knowledge of this world and I have one certainty in life, I have to share this with you, i.e. the importance to grow aware of the abilities of our self, the importance of the links we build with our neighbors and nature, earth. The key is to have a sound body in a sound spirit, what are the steps, the avenues, the approaches… I do hope that by humbly sharing this account, you will clarify for me… Unpretentiousness, respect, open mind, impartiality, personal improvement but first of all sharing and deep, sound friendship… Alone, we are but a sand grain, together we form a beach, a planet. I shall be delighted to relate further adventures of a death traveler who just remembers. NDERF does not endorse encourage or advocate for suicide in any way, shape or form. The Day That Lives Forever! “A Journey From Faith To Knowing!” The Life After Death experience of Louis Famoso in the year of Our Lord 1963 ——————————————————————————-It was 1963. I was to be discharged from the Navy in October. After two tours “In Country” it was great getting back to “The World”. I had cash in my pockets, friends on the Beach, places to go and women to meet. California, what a place to wait out the time to discharge. I wanted a car to drive across the states on my way back home and being a Ford owner all of my short life, I decided to get the brand new, never before shown model of the up and coming 64 Mustang. ——————————————————————————-They normally come out in the Sept-Oct. months, but for some unforeseen reason, this year they came out early and were sold as 63&1/2 because it came out in May. I saw it ,I loved it, I bought it! It was a 289HPCI Fastback, competition Yellow 5spd. Wood trim interior, leather seats with galloping mustangs across the bucket seats and a full floor console. What a beauty and Really Fassssst. We [the “Stang” and I] were the hit of N.A.S. LeMoore. ——————————————————————————-There was a huge “going away party” for a friend of mine, off base, and I was running late. Several of the girls called the base to see what was keeping me and I told them I'd be headed out shortly. I jumped in the “Stang” and bolted out the gates headed to town on a clear, warm California night. The road was a two lane Highway almost “straight arrow” most of the way into town and I started to pour it on to make up time. There was no one on the road, no lights coming or going and I was doing 100+mph,just humming along. Had the Radio blasting, looking in my rear view mirror at the “Cutsie” stuffed Tiger resting in the back window, no cops, no worries and nothing but a good night on my mind. The road was flying by, the white dashes were almost a solid line and the world was mine. I was young, popular, educated and soon to be discharged like my friend tonight. What a great feeling. ——————————————————————————-I looked at the road ahead and for no reason at all I saw the front end of my car nose down and there were thousands of sparks flying past the fenders, they were beautiful sparkles of light flowing past the windshield with particles of blue, reds, and greens. It was a magnificent sight against the darkening skyline. At first I thought I had blown the engine but all the smoke and flames seemed to be coming up from the sides, where the wheels should have been and the increasing torrent of shimmering streams of rhinestone, crossing both fenders, appeared as a welder frantically sharpening the edge of a fine sword. Through all the smoke and sparks bellowing in front of me, some coming through the windows, I looked further down the road I was now tearing up at a frantic pace, and saw, in the far distance, a set of headlights coming in my direction. Just a pin prick of light mind you, but getting brighter and stronger as I careened toward them and them toward me. I thought to myself, “Wow, are these people gonna really ee something strange when I finally come to a stop. I must look like a Roman Candle right about now to them”. ——————————————————————————-Just then the front-end dug into the asphalt like a sharpened spade through hard, dried and crusted earth in the desert landscape, and in what was less then a second, the “Stang” flipped a head-over-heals, becoming completely airborne, and I felt myself coming out of the seat and hanging in mid-air, as the entire car rotated around me. In what I thought took minutes, I found myself upside down in the interior of the car, with my head where my feet used to be and my right shoulder was pinned against the center console, my head imprinting the chrome stick shift. I thought to myself: WOW, this is gonna hurt when we [the Stang&I] finally touch down, but for now both of us were as weightless as astronauts rocketing through the blackness of deep space: Then we did [land] and it did [hurt]] but now the car went from the head-over-heal flip, to long and furious barrel rolls, end over end, again and again, and with every one I would crash my head and shoulder into the center console and shifter. I could feel the broken glass from all the windows exploding with every landing. So as not to slip into unconsciousness, I managed to count everyone of those flips, thinking the last one I counted would be the Last One I'd have to count, but it took NINE of those babies to finally lose all the momentum necessary to bring us to a screeching halt. ——————————————————————————-Wow, I thought, what a ride, and am I glad it was finally over. I almost expected a few more bumps and grinds, but after a few seconds I managed to collect my thoughts. I couldn't see anything but blacks and grays and tried to reach my face to focus my glasses but they were no longer on my face. I thought I might have lost them on the first or second somersault I encountered, but what did it matter if it was the first or last, they were gone, and as I reached around to feel for them, I noticed it was not only Extremely cramped where I was stuffed, it was now getting much hotter. The odors and creaking noises caught my attention and I could feel the heat and the smoke was starting to choke me. As would a blind man, I inched my way around in the opposite direction I felt that the heat was coming from, and after crawling over what was left of the front seat, the broken glass, the twisted metal and broken wooden parts strewn beneath my body, I felt what I thought was that cutsie little stuffed Tiger and I figured I had made it to the back window. I'm sure the flames were licking at my feet because the soles of my boots were getting pretty hot, and I knew I should get out of there as fast as Tigger[ the girls named the cutsie little Tiger, Tigger] and I could before the flames toward what was the front of my car would reach the now cracked and spilling gas tank. I had no desire to go out in a Blaze of Glory, and I do mean Blaze. The Glory held an enchanting thought but just fleeting. I managed to crawl out of what was left of my back window and fell to the ground. ——————————————————————————-Knowing I had just filled the Stang at the base, and I only drove for about 10 miles down that Highway, It was pretty evident that I had to gather myself together and make space between the burning car and myself. I could barely see the flickering flames through the now billowing smoke but it was too close for comfort and I could still feel the heat on my face and hands. I no sooner got to my feet when I heard an explosion and the shock blew me for what I figured was another 20-30 feet through the air. I started to get up again while wiping my face so that I could ee where I was in relation to the car and the flames but no matter how hard or how fast I wiped I just couldn't get what I now knew was blood covering my eyes. I decided to reach around for where the blood was gushing from and found a hole in the right side of my head, above the hairline over my ear and decided to plug it up with Tigger since I felt my fingers were too small to stop the bleeding and I could kinda wiggle them in the side of my head. Thank GOD for Tigger, I thought, at least now I wouldn't bleed to death. I managed to clear most of the blood away from my eyes and tried focusing on the burning wreck to get my bearings. I had to make my way out of there, I wasn't sure where, but I figure as long as I'm walking I'm in better shape then the “Stang” was cause she wasn't going anywhere. ——————————————————————————-Just when I figure I've got things assessed pretty well; The what happened, The where was I, and conscience enough to initiated what damage control available to me to stop most all the bleeding, I hear these Angelic Voices way off in the distance, they're calling out my name and seem to be getting louder and louder.“ Lou”, “Lou baby, come over here”, 'Come to us“……and I'm thinking…. No Thank you, I've gone through enough tonight and I didn't need any more surprises. Besides, I was way too young to die and coming from a rough&tumble background I was born and raised in, I pretty well knew which direction those beautiful voices were calling me to. Hell NO, I won't go! I started thinking of the gang fights and the bar fights and all the fist fights I'd had from Brooklyn on out to Long Island and all those bars across these United States I'd been in and out of, and now I was getting ready to fight my hardest fight with the baddest dude in the Universe and I knew I wasn't ready. I needed a little more time and training for that Devil round. ——————————————————————————-I guess the funk I was in was worse then I thought because I felt these hands reaching me and pulling me in a direction I didn't think I wanted to go, but after a few of the shock waves had passed, I realized that those that were pulling me were actually holding me up, and, they were five of the girls from the party I was going to. When they noticed I hadn't shown up yet, they decided to come to the base to hurry me up so that I wouldn't miss out on that going away party, although, I almost had a more dynamic going away party just a few minutes ago, and I was sure mine was more memorable then just falling down drunk and stinking of puke. It was their Headlights I saw headed my way just prior to the crash, and they were hysterical watching this car flipping and careening down the road right before their eyes, bursting into flames. But the real Horror was when they found out it was my car. What a bummer, they went from ladies of the Night to Angels of Mercy in just a few eye opening, ear splitting, jaw dropping, breath holding minutes. All I remember them saying was “you better not die on us”, and I wanted to do them that little favor so I flipped them a “thumbs up” sign. It was about all the strength I could muster by then. ——————————————————————————-They had a suped up 4dr Fairlane that they had skidded in a hasty “Huey” and had crossed the Median to reach me and the Stangs location when they saw it finally come to a rest. Now they were trying to whisk me into the backseat of it, and rush me back to the base hospital so I could keep my promise. Three of the girls got into the back seat and the remaining two girls laid me across their laps. Then the two jumped into the front seat and gunned that Ford toward the ase as fast as they dared and believe me, they Dared. As I lay across their laps I heard one of them say through her tears,” Look, Lou saved Tigger“ and when she reached for the stuffed animal she was horrified to see the blood start gushing from my head again and immediately replaced Tigger to it's lifesaving duties. Another one noticed my hand bleeding from all the glass and tore up her skirt to make a bandage. I was thinking how great these girls were for not worrying about the mess I was making on them and their car. I suddenly found myself, sort of sitting up right, looking out the Back window of the speeding car, amazed at watching the burning and smoking blob that once was my “Stang” as it faded in the distance. ——————————————————————————-I felt a little cramped with my head presses against the roof of the Fairlane and then I looked down to see the three girls crying and shouting hysterically to the driver to hurry up, when it hit me: WOW. that's me on their laps and there's nobody home! I'm looking at what was left of my poor, crumpled Mustang from out the window, and the other me is just laying there without a care. I tried to tell the girls I was alright and they could stop the crying and slow down a bit. I reached for the driver to get her attention and she turned her head slightly toward me but she seemed to be talking to the girl holding my other head and not to me because she was saying that she was going as fast as this 8 banger would go and I looked at the 110 on the speedometer and thought well hell, I could go through another crash again, that last one was now a piece of cake but I don't know about that other me laying on the girls laps, he looks in pretty bad shape even to me. I felt no pain, no fear and I was with 5 girls speeding down the Highway, Me and Me, What a night so far! ——————————————————————————-It's a good thing the girls had a base sticker on their car because the Guard at the Gate barely had time to wave them through , they were way ahead of him and through the Gate in a flash, shouting to him that they were going to the Hospital. I kinda chuckled and waved to him out the back window as we flew bye but he never waved back. When we pulled up to the Hospital, both girls in the front ran out like it was a relay race and they hit the doors running. I started to get out and headed for the swinging doors when they were back already with two corpsman and a gurney. I stepped aside to watch them load that other me on it and as they whisked him away, I watched the other three girls compose themselves, and all five headed toward the Emergency Room. I decided to follow since no one seemed to notice me and I wanted to see what all the commotion was about. There were nurses and corpsmen and a Doctor all fussing about and a couple of the girls were at the front desk giving information about me to the desk clerk while the rest of them were pressing their noses against the Operating Room windows. I walked down the corridor and looked at some of the people sitting on the benches and chairs, apparently waiting their turn to be attended to, but there was the other me at the Head of the Line, so I excused myself and headed there also. ——————————————————————————-I walked straight through the doors and walked around the doctor and nurses that were tearing off my clothes and swabbing me down. The doctor noticed the large hole in the side of my head and was cleaning it up when the corpsman that was standing toward my side asked if he could stitch up the gash on my hand. The doctor said it would be OK since He [the doctor] didn't think I would make it anyway. He said something about having to put a “Plate” in my head but that I ad lost a tremendous amount of blood and didn't know if I would survive much longer. The Nurse asked if she should have the base Chaplin standby, so the Doctor lifted my dog tags. When he read “Agnostic” and Blood type “O neg.” He said ” I don't think this Kid would care but you can call him if you want“! I thought that was a bit insensitive, and I wasn't happy about a corpsman practicing on my hand either, and thought to myself, I should lodge a complaint, but just as those thoughts flickered past, I started to float up toward the ceiling. It finally hit me that I could see myself on the table being operated on desperately and I could now see the me that was mostly translucent floating above it all. I looked around as I floated higher and higher and noticed the dirt and dust on the florescent lights in the OR and thought, Somebody's gonna hear about this too, when I heard the doc say “Tag`N`Bag Him, we're not going to need that plate nurse. Corpsman, are you done on that hand?”. “Yes Sir, he replied and the Doctor said :“Fine, sheet him for now son.” I knew what was going on just then to the me I knew, but I wasn't ready for what was about to happen to the Me I now was. ——————————————————————————-I was about to attempt to reach the girls that were now crying and hugging each other but instead of going forward, I was being pulled backward and upward. I had no sense of fear, none of loss, actually all I felt was wonderment and curiosity and an anticipation of what was to come. ——————————————————————————-I entered what I thought looked like the Holland tunnel, without the cars and traffic, and the ability to see what looked like light at it's end. It was dark but not black, the path was slightly illuminated from what I thought to be the Sunlight shining from the other end. As I was being drawn toward the lighted end of the Tunnel, I carefully looked around, even squinting to see into the darker recesses. I passed what I thought to be very religious men doing what they would do when praying to their GODS. They were all dressed in their finest garbs, robes, togas, head dresses, loin cloths and the like. Most of them were off to the sides of the tunnel, but one of them, that I seemed to float right over, looked oriental with a long grayish Fu Man Chu, sitting there in the middle of the tunnel, with his hands clasped and his feet crossed. Since I had just completed two tours “In Country” I figured he must represent the last of the religions I sought to make my own. I was raised Catholic but withdrew from that faith at an early age and delved into many others from the Mian to Koran to Hopi as well as all North and South American Native beliefs. It looked like they were all represented here. When I floated past the monk just below me, I thought he could actually see me because it appeared like he began to smile a smile of passage. All the other Religious men were mumbling sounds of prayer and were moving their arms about as if making gestures of a Blessing. I wasn't sure if they were Blessing me or the Tunnel. I noticed none of them were actually standing or sitting in the Tunnel but appeared to be levitated. I wanted to stop and speak with some of them, maybe ask a few questions like who they were and how long have they been here, but I was being whisked away toward the Light. I saw wisps of smoke I believed to be incense, it came from all portions of the Great Tunnel from one end to the other. I could see and smell but I had yet had the sensation of touch since my feet were never touching the tunnels floor and I seemed to be traveling squarely in the center as I drifted toward the end. The closer I got to the end of the Tunnel, the brighter things got, and as I neared the end, it was like coming face to face with a huge canvas that was just recently blazed in the brightest white of whites. An empty canvas, ready to be painted upon and I awaited that painting. Then in an instant, my entire life, starting from birth through the present was flashing before my eyes like a strobe light at half speed. Frame after frame, some parts in freeze frame, if nly for a second, then on to the next. I felt as if I was being subjected to a test to see if this was in fact the me that was supposed to be here and then it ended as fast as it had begun. The last scene was that of a rolling mass of metal finally bursting into flames, and I was looking at the canvas again. ——————————————————————————-While staring into the vast whiteness I glanced down to look at my body and use it for a reference, only to find the translucent outline I once had was no longer there. I thought, How could this be? Am I now part of this empty white canvas, but if I were, then where are my thoughts coming from to be asking these questions. Instantly I recognized a brilliant glowing ball of gold headed my way. It grew larger as it grew nearer and when it reached about the size of a beach ball, just above and in front of me it radiated brilliantly and transformed into an indescribable Being of pure LIGHT, now levitated right in front of me. It was larger then the tallest person I had ever seen, wider then two of me but so evenly proportioned as to be of Magnificent Stature. It's features were outlined as if made with a fine ink quill. Hair, face, robe all Golden and flowing as would an electric charge perhaps even a nuclear charge. This was energy personified and as it's form took on a more solid shape, all that was behind It did as well. It was as if the Entire canvas of white I had come to at the end of the Tunnel was now alive and I was part of it. Other figures appeared in front and behind the Being and myself. Soon there was activity all about, above and below, on every side, more beings, each of different brightness, sizes, and hues. Structures and landscapes sprung from everywhere all in a crystalline state, all inhabited by these lesser light beings, some winged, most not, Some fully formed, others not, yet even others that appeared only as glowing Orbs of light and color, bouncing as would bubbles in a glass of carbonated water. ——————————————————————————-I could stand it no longer, every emotion I had ever known was welling up in me 10 fold. Just when I thought to speak, to question, the Being spoke to me. It's voice was as a chorus of voices, not male not female, not loud not soft, not deep but perfect and all encompassing. As I looked at the two gigantic, magnificent beings dressed in Brilliant capes just off to It's side, IT said,” that is Michael and Gabriel. Michael has chosen you as his and Gabriel shall teach you the ways.” I looked past them to another Large Being, so beautiful but darker in contrast, as was the sprawling robe it wore. This being had eyes that pleased but pierced with it's gaze, and the Light Being said “that is He who has been cast out. You who I have given choice may go with any of these of your choosing.” I thought as I had a choice, and Michael had already chosen me then I would chose Him. He appeared so strong and mighty, as did the others, but in his eyes seemed a fire that was drawing and captivating to me. Gabriel's eyes were softer and gave more in an understanding manner and I thought “Oh how absolutely Beautiful are these Beings”. I then looked to The Being before me and It's eyes were full of Love and warmth, authorities and compelling. He seemed to have approved of my choice, Then said to me “You will be my soldier and you will go with Michael for a while. Gabriel will come to you at times. I will send others to you and your fruit shall not fall far from the tree in the time of the Gathering.” ——————————————————————————-Just then I saw 5 Orbs of Light. They seemed to be playing, swirling round and about the Being and myself. They had appeared from the outlying landscape and I noticed they were all the ame size and shape but of different hues as subtle as shades of rose petals, save one which had a bluish hue. Two of the pinkish ones seemed exactly alike, the other two were yet deeper in shades of red and orange, and before I could ask, IT spoke and said “They, like all here are of you, who are of me, but these will come to you and you will care for them more. They will fly apart but come together at the time of the Gathering.” I thought The Being might be telling me these were my children but I was only 21 and not only had never been married but had no plans to. I didn't understand how all this was of me and me of HE when a magnificent crystal serving platter appeared and it shimmered the colors of many rainbows. In an instant it shattered into thousands of pieces, each piece brilliant in its own right. Ever so slowly now all the pieces began to rejoin themselves to once again form the original serving platter once again and I now knew what this Being of Light was showing me, we pieces are the platter. I was just one of those thousands of pieces, as were all those I was seeing here and those back in the “World”. Now my mind was still trying to ponder The Gathering. As I thought what could this mean, The Being answered, “Here you will see the signs that bring forth the Gathering”, and with that I saw frames appear like screens on a TV set. When I looked into the screens, the visions would gather up, pop off in an image, and enter my mind. I felt as if I was being pushed back with it's impact. They were only glimpses but they were so realistic, as if happening right there in front of me in the now. I could not turn away and then it seemed that I had become a part of each of these visions. There were scenes of men in uniform killing other men in uniforms, I recognized some of the insignias and some were from the USA. There were also thousands of them not in uniforms killing even more thousands not in uniform. It was like looking at toy figures moving on their own, mowing down other figures, different countries, different Nations, different Religions, different weapons, different Decades, but always resulting in hundreds of thousands dead and dying. I wanted out of there, I could feel the pain these people were suffering. I asked the Being why was this, and how long was this to go on, and The Being said “Man will prey on man, Until Man will pray for man”. ——————————————————————————-The next vision was of floods, many of them spilling across the Earth on different continents in different seasons and I am again walking among it, feeling the force and taking in the smell of Death. Hundreds of Lives and acres upon acres of crops were lost as well as hundreds of stock and wild animals floating away into the abyss. Then I was watching Volcanoes from around the world erupting, first one then another. The molten Lava burying whole towns and villages and the people and animals within them. I gazed among the ruins and saw little left of what once stood there. The last vision I saw in the screen were of Earthquakes destroying sections of almost every continent. One was a massive one in America, most others were in Europe and the Orient. Again thousands are killed, structures are crumpled, the landscape leveled and I turned again to the Being and He said “There will not only be more of what you have seen but there will come a time when it will all happen at the same time and it will come the same time of mans greatest sins”. I didn't have time to ask, when HE said “They will turn from ME and claim themselves like Gods.” With that Michael beckons me to go with him and I am now part of the Universe. Novas, Suns, Planets, all that I looked at from the Earth, not so long ago, or was it? ——————————————————————————-We traveled toward the beginning of it all, the inner portions of the Universe. Kazillions of planets around Kazillions of Suns and the closer to the center we approached the more concentrated the number of Galaxies. It is like the Plate you saw, the largest part, after it hattered was at the center and those parts that shattered first were sent the farthest from the center, So is everything in the Universe. All is but a circle within a circle wrapped in a circle. Each level, each dimension is but a layer of the original which is without end. I watched as millions of Orbs systematically entered the many Planets before me. They appeared as Bees flitting from flower to flower, pollinating each, one after another. Michael took me closer and I could now see that so many of these Planets had life on them and the Orbs were joining with the creatures of these Planets. Not every Creature was the same on every Planet but they all had some commonalities, a head, a body, extremities and the Light Beings would animate them for a time. We headed away from the center now and Michael said that Gabriel would have more to explain to me and that He, Michael, wanted me to know that He was pleased with the many times He had called on me to do His bidding and that I performed my duties well. His parting words were “You will never again be made to forget”! ——————————————————————————-I was journeying back to where I knew Earth would be and watched as Comets and Asteroids casually passed by me or I passed them. The colors of the gaseous cloud formations were striking. I started looking at these infant galaxies as one would cloud formations back on Earth, imagining what shape they were taking on, This one a boat, this a bird with wings, this a scarf floating in the breeze, till I recognized what was the Constellation ORION and I knew I was getting close to my destination. While drifting through ORION, I noticed two Blazing Celestial Bodies racing parallel to it's center, looking as Twin Arrows exiting from an Archers Bow and headed straight for the “Blue Marble” of home. Immediately a vision of Millions of people crying because of the devastation of portions of New York City came to me. I became aware of a strange feeling I had not known previously, and I thought that might be because this was the city I had grown up in. I saw a huge Earthquake, a magnitude of 8.6 in someplace named EUREKA. A ham operator or radio announcer was directing thousands of people migrating from areas of frequent disasters to places of safety. A space station appeared to be falling from the heavens because of an internal explosion. Missiles were being simultaneously fired into space from several Nations. I thought the Light Being had shown me all there was to see but these were different, stronger and there was no pre-screening as before. Gabriel appeared beside me, I thought because I had felt shaky, but it was to explain the now sprawling Galactic View of my Galaxy. ——————————————————————————-The Sun was expanding and spewing off Huge ecto-plasma balls, more then it has ever done in it's past, and in the very direction the Planets would orbit through. I could not take my eyes from the Earth and as I watched what effect these eruptions would have on the Earth, A large Mass passed me, larger then any of the Planets known to me, and as it passes, I see the Earth wobble wildly as would a top toward the end of its spin. The rotation stopped and slowly started again but it was tilted now and I was drawn in closer like the zoom of a lens. The ash clouds that had engulfed the Earth thinned, and like a tack welded piece of metal being dismantled, I could see the Ocean bodies starting to rise, first the Pacific, along the “Ring of Fire”, then the others, synchronistical. As the waters shifted upon the landmasses, the landmasses started to sink under the waters added pressure upon it. When the pressures equaled out to the spin of the changing axis, the Earth no longer looked as it did moments before. It was newer, cleaner, more beautiful with darker Greens and lighter Blues. Some of the new landmasses looked similar to a few of the other Planets I had recently visited with Michael. People were upon this Earth and ppeared happier and more content although seemingly living like the Native populations of old. Cities, built by the Ancient Ones, that were buried beneath the Oceans were now being populated by the surviving people in this new world. I saw Tribes joining tribes and small Nations forming, but it was what I didn't see that made my heart burst, there were no more wars, true peace and happiness had finally befallen on mankind. Gabriel now tells me that this is His message that I must take back, to let others know that there is little to fear, for the Earth will go on forever, as did all the Planets I had visited. I am to tell the world to look to ORION, and they will know when the new world will come upon them. I ask Him “What of the others there on Earth, during the change?” Gabriel tells me that all will be lifted, some will be lifted higher then others and no longer enjoy the physical plane, while some will be left on the Earth to replenish and rebuild the physical, they too will be of a higher elevation then any that are living there now! ——————————————————————————-I was now before the Light Being of Gold again, those 5 orbs were still darting about. I wanted to stay and explore this realm with all the other light beings but I was told I could not. I was brought here to go back to tell the others who would be coming after me, that if they would spread the Love they brought with them to the physical world they would know their Creator eagerly awaits them. The Being told me that should I ever have questions of the heart or mind, that He will answer them, if I only look within myself, for that is where He will dwell. From this time forward I need only think it to be so and it will be so for I would forever know the truth. I was told there was much work left undone and that He had set a road of rocks before me that I must sweep away for passage. Many will be set before me that I may help in my presence, and more I will not, but that I must not set aside wrongly, for a soul should not be lost within my heart. I asked how I would know and before I received an answer I was being whisked away through that darkened tunnel like a dust bunny in a vacuum, with about as much control as a runaway freight train. ——————————————————————————-I awoke to a nurse scrubbing the encrusted blood off of the right side of my head. My body was racked with pain. I screamed at the nurse for what I felt was her lack of compassion and she had a shocked look on her face. “Oh my God, Welcome back sailor. We thought you were a goner for sure.” I asked her where was I and how long had I been here and she answered: “ You've been in a coma for seven days now. They thought you died on the operating table and was going to ship you to the Morgue when the assisting corpsman noticed some movement under your sheet and rushed you back to the OR. The doctor checked you out and he was amazed to find your vitals were returning to normal but what really floored him was the hardened crust that had formed over the hole in your head seemed to have sealed most of the damage. He decided he didn't even have to put a steel plate in your head any more as it had healed sufficiently on it's own in the time you were gone.” I said “ you mean that practicing corpsman that was sewing my hand in the operating room saved my life?” She said “Yes, but how did you know he was sewing your hand? You were unconscious the entire time you were in OR and never came to until just now.” If she had only known all the things I knew from that time she would have surely gone in to shock. I took the brush and towel from her hands and said I would finish the job for her and she thanked me and said she was going to notify the doctors that I was alive and conscious! I looked across the dorm and saw several sailors and a marine lying in their perspective beds. The Marine looked familiar and was situated closest to me. He smiled and said “Hey, Mr. Chuck [a handle I picked up overseas] You missed a hellava party last week”. I replied “So I am told”, but you should have seen the one I went to, it was a real mindblower.“ He told me I made the local papers and a picture of what was left of my car was photographed and on the 2nd page of the news. Then he said ” I bet you're glad they are going to sign your discharge papers and not your Death Certificate like they almost did. “ I joked and said “yeah, you know those Navy doctors, in and out, they'd sign anything to get their Liberty passes”. The doctor finally arrived and started to check me out. He seemed genuinely interested yet amazed at my seemingly miraculous recovery. He checked the side of my head first, then ran his hands over my arms and legs. He asked if I could stand after giving me the “follow my fingers and how many are there” doctor thing. I jumped out of bed and he stood aghast. He asked if I could raise my arms over my head [thinking I could not] and when I did he asked if I could slowly reach my toes [which I did] and then he sat me on the bed and started to talk to me. He told me I was a medical miracle. Not only was I not supposed to still be alive after the massive blood lose but the mental trauma of my head injury would at the least make me a vegetable. He also said that the injuries to my legs and arms alone should have kept me in the infirmary for another two to three weeks. Yet there I was, everything working fine, actually as good as new, not even any black and blue marks to show what my body had been through. He said he had to admit it was truly a marvel and when I asked if I could be returned to Active Duty, he said he really couldn't see why not. He signed my hospital discharge papers and I was returned to my Squad the next day. ——————————————————————————-It was good to be among the living but I knew it was a far, far, better place I had been, then any place here on Earth will ever be again. I remembered everything that happened to me in that other place but spoke non of it to anyone because just the mention of having been dead was enough to make people twirl their fingers near their brain when they thought I wasn't looking, and some times I wasn't looking, but I knew. Lou Famoso`s account of his L.A.D. in a poem written in 1963 just after his discharge from the U.S. Navy ——————————————————————————-The Day That Lives Forever by L. Famoso ——————————————————————————-There I was, behind the wheel. The road came up, it was unreal. Head over heel, the car did fly. Nine barrel rolls pass by the bye. Broken glass in a twisted mess. A bloody toy, the fire took the rest. Somehow out, I found myself. Red stained eyes watched the flames engulf what was left of my beautiful car, and then a call. It seemed so far. Friends had found me wandering there. They drove me away with blood stained hair. ——————————————————————————-I see them take my head to breast, and thank the Lord for time to rest. Through cries and moans they prayed for me. How they sped so recklessly. On a table they laid me down. The doctors then huddled all around. Let's stop this hole beside his head. He's lost much blood, he should be ead. “Sir, can I practice on his hand?” said the navy student corpsman. “Surely Lad, go right ahead, I doubt he'd know, this man's near dead.” ——————————————————————————-I watched it all from high above. Somewhat annoyed in their lack of Love. At one point I heard them say, “He won't make it through this day.” ” I've patched his head as best I can, Corpsman! Ain`t you fixed his hand?“ So involved I was to see. Then it finally dawned on me. Since that's me laying way down there, what on Earth am I doing up here? Fear came to be but quickly disappeared. I'm alive but not, my body was not clear. Higher and higher I sped along. The world I knew is going, going, gone. Racing thoughts flashed through my mind but I always knew I must go on. ——————————————————————————-I liked it where I found myself and wanted just to stay. A Loving voice was telling me I must go back today. I left a lot of things undone that I must finish soon. The last thing that I wanted was to wake up that hot noon. The nurse was wiping off my head :Welcome back Sailor, from the Dead. I was above my body and watching everything going on in the room, I could see my father at my bedside crying. I was confused as why I was laying in the bed and suddenly, was in a long tunnel with a small light at the end. I started to race through the tunnel at a amazing speed and the light became stronger and stronger. The feeling as I approached the light was of complete peace and love I cannot describe. I could feel a presence at my side on both sides of me. I knew they were heavenly beings. As I came into the light, I was filled with an indescribable love and peace. I did not speak with my mouth but telepathically. I was shown my life on earth, the beginning to now, and I was shown the impact I had on others I connected to, I could feel their feelings and experiences in how I treated them. I was filled with total knowledge and understood everything. I entered a beautiful garden, the colors and scenery I could never explain. The colors were surreal. I never wanted to leave this place. The peace was complete, I understood my purpose on this earth. God spoke to me, but I could not see him, I was stopped, if I went any further I could not go back to earth. I had a choice to return or stay but I wanted to stay, god wanted me to go back and told me my purpose was not finished on this earth, I would have children. I wanted to do god's will. I told god I wanted to stay but in my heart to do his will was stronger. I knew I would be back, I entered my body quickly like bang. I was in the hospital, I was told I was tied to the bed as the convulsions were so bad, they had to tie me down. The doctors were amazed I made it. This experience changed me forever. I always had faith. Today I can say absolutely god is real, jesus is real, and love is all that matters!!!!!! Between ages 5 & 6 my Uncle would baby sit me from time to time for my parents. He was in his last several of high school. In the late spring of 1958 he and several of his friends went swimming and took me along. I could not swim, at the time, and played by the edge while the older boys played in the water. I noticed a rock ledge on t! he other side of the creek that I wanted to play on. About 15 feet above the pool area the stream was narrow and looked as if I might be able to cross over to the rock ledge. I preceded to inch my way across the stream and with every step my confidence increased until I took a giant step and went under. As soon as I went under the water I was separated from my body by about 15 feet. I saw no lights, tunnels or beings. I was watching myself under and through the muddy creek water struggling with no fear whatsoever. I could see the outline of the creek where I went under and even below that, although it was black. I could clearly hear one of the boys tell my uncle that his nephew was drowning. As soon as my uncle picked me up I was back again in my body coughing, screaming and scared to death at what had just happened. I was never unconscious at any time during this event and did not know what had happened at that early age. Ten years later I picked up a book on Out of Body Experience's by Susan Smith and recalled the above event as a child. I have since asked my uncle about the incident several time to verify that it did happen. I went back to that spot in August 2004 for the first time in 46 years and it hasn't changed at all the only difference is that it's a lot smaller than I remembered it being. During the separation I had no feeling or sensation of my body at all. Everything was peaceful and calm. I could see and hear through the muddy creek water that I normally couldn't with my own eye's and ear's. It was if I were watching someone else drown on a big screen TV. It is still as clear and vivid as it was all those years ago. I remember looking down seeing the nurse and doctor working on me then I am walking down what I believe was the hall of the hospital everything was very bright white it was like I was floating. I remember going past a door and I look thru the glass to see my mother whom was alive I put my hands out but never touching the door it opens my mother was waiting for me to get out of surgery. She had turned her chair around for all the other chairs also I remember them being very bright blue. My mother was reading a book I go to put my hand on her but then I notice there was a lady in the corner with long brown hair she had on a orange and brown wrap around her. Then I look to my mother again an as I go to call her name I feel as though I see hands touch my feet they were black hands. There was no one black in the surgery room that I knew of. Then I felt as though was falling down a tunnel and then I wake up. I go home an hour after surgery and I thought it was a dream. I did not sleep that night at all driving my girl friend and husband crazy because I felt as thought I was full of life and could not sit down. The next morning I called my mother to tell her of the dream that I could not get out of my mind it was as if it just kept repeating itself in my mind. My mother was speechless because the woman I saw there with her came in after I was out and left with her son while I was in surgery still also she had moved her chair around from all the rest of them so she could watch for my father and husband. Also the anesthesiologist was called away and another one was called in he was a black man whom I never saw after I woke up the nurse at hospital told me about him after I ask her if I almost died she said yes twice. I was to be there 3 hours but it took six an half hours. I believe god gave me this experience for one reason. That is because my 19 year old son was killed on april 9 2005 I could not sleep that night and at 1:35 am I was on my computer and all the sudden I saw the brightest light come up from between my arms and yell mom!!! Very loud. I shook me up so bad I knew someone had died but my mind would not accept that it said mom!! I remember looking up and I smiled at what I new was there. Not knowing it was my son until 4 am when the phone rang I jumped out of bed and I did not answer the phone by me I ran to the other side of the house to answer it that is were I was when it happened the person on the phone said tina how is chase. I dropped the phone because at that moment I realized it said mom!!! I ran to my husband and yelled chase is dead oh god he is dead and they are on phone. He ran to phone as I ran to the front door to see the chaplin putting on his coat and collar at his car with the police. I then remember hearing those words I am sorry mrs. J and hearing my husband scream. After that it is like we went in to shut down mode. But I do believe I had this so that god would let my son come home to say good bye. And I would know it was him. We, my son chase and I had been seeing someone follow behind him for about six months. I saw it first and never told anyone but my husband and girl friend gina. Then he was on vacation with his cousin and he called to let me know he made it there and all the sudden he screamed he saw a man in there room a large man wearing a plaid like shirt that is what I had been seeing but there would be no one there when I looked again. I was so scared after he saw it two it was two month later he died. The only one to die out of three people in the truck he was in. He knew he was going to heaven and he left me a lot of notes about it in his room all kind of music about going to heaven I never knew he had gotten in the two weeks before he was gone. Thank you god for letting him come home. See he was only eight blocks from home and on his way home. And I know he comes to visit all the time. Again thank you lord all might. I love you chase I was looking down at my body lying in a fetal position on the ground , but what was happening, because I was in the most beautiful light you could ever imagine . I came to , I realized I was in hospital . A nurse walked past , she looked in , and said “It's good to see you back with us” . I asked her where I was . She said “You had an accident and you are in hospital, I will get your Dr. He arrived and told me I had a steel bar in my cheek . It smashed my cheekbone and smashed my sinus. For the next 2and a half years I kept trying to convince Doctors and Hospitals (including Psychiatric Hospitals) that something was wrong with me , describing everything that was happening . I had a seizure ,saw my Doctor , she got to have a CT scan . The full damage was revealed . The bar had gone through my brain , nearly coming out the top of my skull. 2nd ) I was loading some 4×4 on a car transporter . I was reversing one on . When I apparently accelerated , I had the door slightly ajar , as I went through the rams that lift the top deck , it ripped the door off, pulling and trapping my arm that I had resting on it and smashing my head between the ram and the car. I smelt petrol ! I had to get out. I motioned to man who had saw what happened, he just looked at me with his head tilted, in the same position I had mine. I pushed the vehicle sideways and got out. I was taken to hospital. As the Dr started to stitch me up, the most BEAUTIFUL feeling came over me, The Dr said, what's happening. I thought, get lost idiot , he asked again ! Patrick You have to tell us what is happening (more urgent) ,just leave me alone . I KNEW if I stopped to tell him This most wonderful feeling would stop. I came to . The Dr asked What happened . I told him I just had an out of body experience. He asked what is one of them . I told him what happened. “I went to the light , as I was going in the light I went back to the accident saw myself , bleeding from the head and my arm was limp , as if it was about to fall off . I came to. The Dr asked me , for the next 10minutes I tried to tell him what an OBE was . Even though I told him what he told each of the nurses what to do , and what each nurse did HE WAS SO CONFUSED about my statement , and then he nearly floored me . When he said ” But YOU HAVE BEEN DEAD for the last 5minutes . I was in a rubber dingy… my mother was pulling me. I was with a friend. The friend had a life jacket on. I did not. The dingy tipped in the middle of the lake. I remember looking down at myself going in the water. I was surrounded by a bright light. I was watching myself drown from somewhere high above. I could see my arms flailing, air bubbles come out of my mouth, I saw the vivid color of my swimsuit, and I was watching all of this, feeling quite dispassionate. I was not afraid, curious, sad, or anything. Dispassionate described it best. The next thing I knew my Mother had grabbed me around the waist and she managed to get me to the surface. As far as I can recall there were wasn't any ill after effects. Motorcar accident. Head injuries. The back of my head was ripped open when I was flowed out of the car. It was about 16.15 the afternoon. I can't remember anything for 3 months. That night at about 22.00 my heart stopped and I stopped breathing. The doctor was at my side at the time and was able to get my heartbeat and breathing back. I was in a coma for about 10 days and in intensive care for about 16 days. I had no control over any of my body functions. I was of work for 5 months but it took me almost 2 years to recover (rehabilitate). I had to read, write and walk again. I was standing in a room with a coffin in front of me. A man was standing next to me. I didn't look at him, but was aware of his presence. I asked him why I was there. He said to me it is my coffin and I should get into it. I said that I am not ready to die, because of all the things I did in the past that was sinful and wrong (my divorce included). He (I then realize it was Jesus) spoke to me and said that He paid for my sins 2000 years ago, that I must not be afraid. I will not die, but I must focus on Him and He will bring me in contact with people and opportunities where He will use me. Remember, I had head injuries and could not remember things for a few months, so I believe that God spoke directly to my spirit. while playing superman I thought I could fly. I was sickly as a child and had Asthma and migraine headaches. after I landed I was out for awhile. don't know if it was a minute or a half hour. during that period of being out I felt as I was being drawn upward. there was a blackness around me but I was being drawn to a light. I felt no presence of body, only of mind. what seemed like a long time I had a mental communication with someone that said it wasn't my time. I kept wondering if I was going to see my family and would I come back to this place again. no answer was given me. I was given a message by someone who I could not see that said, “your son will save you”. THAT HAPPENED IN JAN 2004. I was also given a message that my son would be a great leader. that hasn't happened yet. what I remember most was the wonderful feeling of peace and love. I was undergoing the first of many angioplasty procedures to open a clogged artery. The doctors were having a hard time because my arteries were so small and the wire they were using was a bit too big for the vessel. Just as they got the wire through the blockage the wire caused total restriction of blood flow through that artery, throwing me into a heart attack. I immediately felt flushed, nauseous and broke out in sweat all over. I indicated my distress and heard the nurse saying something about my blood pressure. The doctor ordered a liquid dilate that was poured into my mouth. My distress continued and I felt myself losing consciousness. I heard a nurse saying “he's going” or something to that effect. Suddenly, all pain stopped and I became as comfortable as I've ever been before in my life. I was still conscious and was aware of a warm, gentle feeling about my body and the room was bathed in a warm, orangey glow. I felt myself rising off the slender table and looking down at the surgeons sitting beside my body, near my hip area, with both arms folded under their arms. They were intently watching the displays in front of them where my vital signs were being posted electronically. The nurses were frozen in place also watching the monitors. I felt myself rise to a corner of the room and then I stopped moving and I watched the scene below me. I felt more loved than anything I can describe and this incredible feeling of well being and at peace and warm. I recall vividly this moment where I examined the feelings I was experiencing and consciously thinking how wonderful I felt and how I felt wrapped in this blanket of love. The room remained bathed in this warm orange glow and after a short moment or two I reluctantly thought to myself, “well, I had better get back down there.” The next thing I knew I was on the slab again and the feeling of being loved was gone and I could feel the uncomfortable table under me. The room was now dark again with only the green glow of the monitors lighting things. My cardiologist said to me, “ok, John, we've taken the wire out and we're done here.” Later, in the recovery room I told him of my experience and all he said was, “yes, we gave you a pretty powerful drug there.” But, when I told him what I saw while up near the ceiling in the corner of the room, he was astounded. I had described things that I could never see from my position on the table. Still, he would not accept that I had anything other than a reaction to the drugs he gave me. While I did not view this as a religious event and it did not reinforce my religious beliefs, it did make me totally unafraid of dying and if what I felt is how it feels to die then it's a wonderful experience. I am a journalist and I wish I had the words to describe to you the feeling of love that I felt during that time. And, how comfortable, warm, worry free and secure I felt. More than anything else, however, it was the feeling of being loved - not by some one, but by everything in the universe. Totally loved, and that feeling gave me comfort and peace. The warm orange light also seemed to give me comfort, warmth and peace. I was feeling ill. I could not even swallow a typical tonsillitis infection. I had a fever of 100+ I have always been plagued with tonsil problems. Anyway I thought I would just get some penicillin or a shot and be sent my way; but after the blood tests the doctor on duty said that she would rather have me stay over for observation; I was in pain all night; so the next day after being on rocephin an antibiotic. and it was not clearing the swelling up she decided that I needed to have a tracheotomy and that I would have to have surgery; I was worried; I had a funny feeling that I was going to die. I was nervous. They told me everything would be fine; I remember that the following 4 weeks, I kept seeing the 14:14 on my clock which was weird it happened various times I would be at work and I would look up and what would you know!?!? It was 1414 or 2:14pm anyway. back to the story. Now all I remember was being anesthetized. The next thing I know, I am still on my back at first it seemed like there was nothingness like I was on my back a float and it was pitch dark; a very scary darkness I remember I kept putting my hands in front of my face; I could not see them or my body but I knew that they were there; then I start hearing this lo hummmm and it was like being under water like when you are under and you can hear noise and its muffled. That kind of thing; anyway I was wondering why it was so dark. Nothing else mattered I could not remember anything prior to this. not the surgery anything it was like this was the only thing I could think of. I then noticed that while it was pitch dark. it felt as if I was in a tunnel and all along the tunnel were doorways but the whole tunnel I could sense was like being in a cave sort of rocky not too rocky but kind of smooth at least that's my impression of it; so then I am feeling a little more afraid, like what's going on here? It felt like I was like that for an hour. just there then. I could see a pin point of white light in front of me in the distance the size of a pencil eraser head that size. I sense that I start moving in that direction; but id felt like something was pulling me there I don't feel as if I was doing it. At this point I was like floating to and upright position. Then going slowly towards that pinpoint of light; and then I knew that there was little doorways all along this tunnel and I felt that I had if I wanted to go into any of those doorways. and I felt at the time that if I did I would not come back but my attention was on the light. In an instant, I thought “grandma”. And I was instantly in the light. I kept saying “your not dead. I am not dead, you're not dead”. She said, “No I am not and you are not either.” My grandmother had died 3 yrs prior but at that moment I could not remember that just that she was not dead and that she was so alive and well she had died of dementia complications. She invited me to sit and have coffee like we used to all the time at her house. Her table was there the chairs she looked like she did when she was in her 30s. She had on a purple dress like a nice one she had with flowers on it. except that the flowers seemed to glow a florescent yellow. Then I noticed that there was a florescent light that emanated from the top of the room and I started feeling so good like. I can't describe it. love. or like the first time you kiss. electricity. butterflies in your stomach, like the best drug. I don't know how to describe it felt so good. I then kind of got a little panicky cause I noticed that there was no light source; it was just there. That's when she touched my hand that I noticed that I looked down and could see my hand also. It was there but it looked white almost florescent and she told me that it was all right (all this conversation was in Spanish by the way) and said lets drink the coffee. I did. but I notice that it was not hot and had no taste. it was lukewarm; but yet there was steam coming from it like it was hot, but was not. It's like when you are sick and there's no taste; anyway. I tell her that we  think of her every day. She stated that she knew. She knew that we loved her very much and she loved us; and then I noticed that the room was dome like. that in one section the left side of that domed room was like a curtain and I saw my grandfather on my moms side peek though. and I seen another lady heavy-set short with a long black ponytail. I wanted to say something and that is when my grandmother told me “you have to go you can't stay here; its not your time; ” I then felt terrible I started to cry. I told her, “But grandma, I want to stay here.” It felt so wonderful I did not want to leave. I remember begging in Spanish, “Please I want to stay with you, I never want to leave here.” She said, “you will be back here when it's your time don't worry.” Then she said “tell everyone I love them and think of them all the time.” At this point I was still saying “but but I wanna stay” and then I heard this loud pop”. It felt like I was hit in the chest with a sledge hammer made of fire; I remember coming to and gagging. I was on life support; all the tubes etc; I felt terrible; I noticed my dad was there and the rest of the family;. I don't remember what happened next but I do remember telling him that I needed a paper I had to write something, “I seen grandma.” I passed out again but wrote in Spanish this account that I just wrote about here. My dad has the note somewhere. I was getting worse. They had to life-flight me to Modesto. I was in the I.C.U. for two weeks. It was all a blur for me. I was in and out for the most part of the two weeks till the last couple of days. I also remember when I came to when they life-flighted me to Modesto and I was in the ICU. I could hear a choir but it sounded so angelic is the only way to describe it. I could not talk I had to write everything down. I asked the nurse, if someone had choir music on? She replied, “No! it's not allowed in ICU i.e. radios etc. I also told her that there was other people here. I felt as if family was there. She said no one had come in yet, but that they were on their way from Los Banos. It was very strange indeed. All in all I was lucky to be alive, let alone functioning. They said that I might not ever speak again or have brain damage cause I was out for almost 5 min while they struggled to bring me back on the table. Anyway that's the gist of my story but I have paperwork medical records to prove what was so strange I coded at 2:14 pm! The same time I was seeing weeks before, how weird is that? I asked the nurses about this I told them what I saw and they said that it was probably due to the drugs an trauma that occurred. I don't know. I believe it was real. Usually when people have surgery, they just wake up in the recovery room and don't see dead relatives. Anyway that's my story. I had another experience there in the Modesto ICU when they took me to extract some teeth that were causing some of the problems. They put me under again for surgery and to put a smaller tube in. I remember saying “hey. I'm not out yet!!! the doctor could not hear I was yelling!! I could see him come to do the extracting. Then I noticed that I was in the corner of ceiling looking down on it; and I was like wow! I can go through these walls. I wanted to go to the waiting room, then at that moment I awoke in the recovery room. I think this was more of an OBE. But later I saw some shadows - black ones, but the nurse said that it was due to the medication. It was my birthday and my parents let me have a small party. One of my girlfriends was staying the night. My parents went out to dinner and I decided that I was a teenager and wanted to try drinking alcohol like my father did. I filled up a tall glass with Gin held my nose and consumed all of it. The equivalent of at least 15 shots of straight alcohol. I quickly became disoriented and then fell unconscious. My sister and my friend put me in my bed and when my parents came home and went in to check on me my mother noticed I wouldn't wake up. At this point they told me they tried to carry me to the car. My father was so mad, he wouldn't help and I was at this point dead weight. This is the point when I remember lifting out of my body and floating mid-air over my body which was laying in the dining room floor. I left my body. I was no longer intoxicated, I was completely clear and could see everything at once. I realized that I was almost dead and became very upset and began to cry for Jesus to help me. At this moment I was aware of a light enveloping me. I was the light and it was me There was another Being with me. The Being let me know that I was going to die and I must leave this body for good. I remember arguing with the Being explaining that I didn't want to because it was so hard going through the childhood years and I didn't want to have to go through this again. The Being indicated that my body was severely damaged and I couldn't go back. I became very adamant at this point that God was all powerful and could fix the body. At some point the decision was made to let me re-enter my body on my faith or will, what ever one may call it. The next phase was like an evaluation. I was taken back through my past, beginning with my birth and we went over what had already happened. Then I was shown an overview of key points in my life that was to come. One of these key experiences was that I would have a child at a very early age and it would be a boy. It was explained to me that from this point forward I would do everything earlier than most, including my older sister. I would marry first, bear children first and generally have more responsibility than my sisters and other friends and family members. I was told that I would soon leave my church and have a short period of rebellion and drug experimentation but this would end fairly soon and I would begin to climb out of it. I was told that I was going to be a writer and that my words would touch many people. I was instructed to write a book on or around the age of forty and that after I had fulfilled my life plans I would eventually die before my two sisters. All of a sudden… I opened my eyes and I was in a hospital bed in the intensive care unit. The preacher from my church was there praying for me. I actually thought at this point I had died when I saw him there with my mother who was crying. I gradually woke up and asked what had happened? My mother said I had been in a coma for three days and I had almost died. Swimming in a pool and suddenly panicked when I could not reach the side of the pool. Started sinking and every time I was able to surface, saw the life guard with his back turned to me, talking to the lady that had brought me. Kept gasping for breath until I finally could not hold my breath any longer and took a big inhale of water. After that the exact sequence is uncertain, but I was being lifted above the pool and then when higher and higher. I was in a tunnel and it reminded me of Alice in Wonderland and I was very scared. At one point I was in a dark, dark place. Things were crawling on me and I could hear moaning and terrible things. At this point I said help me God. Then I was in another place where people seemed to know my name. There was a man I did not recognize and was shown him holding me as an infant (my grandfather) I was scared and did not want to be there. Then, whom I believe may have been Jesus showed me my life and how I had misbehaved and talked back to my mother. Every time I tried to defend myself, I saw how it looked through His eyes and was very ashamed and asked for forgiveness. He explained to me how some people didn't believe in Him and he was very sad. There were little beams of light shooting from earth into the heavens and I asked Him what they were. He told me they were prayers and then I felt better, because it seemed a lot of people must believe in Jesus. He explained the whole universe to me and everything made complete sense to me. I then decided I would like to stay there and that is when He showed me my mother crying her eyes out. I asked Him why my mother was crying and He said, if I do not return it will break my mother's heart. He then showed me two little boys and told me they were to be my sons. I was so shocked and excited being only 8 going on 9,knowing I was going to have children and someone would actually want to marry me. He showed me some heart breaking things, as my son would not be a believer in God and hurt Him. So then I was so sorry for this and thinking, I am not going to go back if it is going to hurt Jesus. Then He showed me an auditorium and the speaker on the stage was so wonderful. The people in the audience were hanging on his every word. I thought this is a very special person. And then God told me, this is your son. I could not believe it. The same son that shamed God was somehow going to redeem himself. He also showed me my other son would be fine and upstanding. He told me I had to go back and I was in some kind of euphoria over the things that were revealed to me. So I agreed and the next thing I knew I was catching the side of the pool and trying to pull myself up. When I was finally seen there was a big commotion as the lifeguard rushed over and pushed on my back so I could cough up all the water. He was very embarrassed as he had been neglecting his duties. I must have been blue, because everyone was very shook up. There was no CPR in 1959. In the car on the way home, my eyes and throat burned and I had trouble speaking. The lady that took me there told me, I should not tell my mother what happened, or I will never be allowed to go swimming again. So I never told another soul, and then forgot about the whole thing until I heard a radio program in 1973 discuss near death experiences and then it all came flooding back to me. That is why I am confused as to the exact sequence of events. I can say after this experience I suddenly noticed how blue the sky was and how beautiful the flowers were. I suddenly found favor with the neighbor kids, whom never really noticed me before. When I attended summer Bible school, I suddenly hung on every word and would raise my hand to answer questions, when before I would be shy and hide and daydream through the class. I had only attended because my best friend was going. The teacher suddenly treated me differently instead of ignoring me. When I would walk to the church in the morning, I get the feeling I was not alone and I was being taught an appreciation for flowers, and animals and nature. This feeling lingered for a few weeks. Looking back I think I was conversing with someone at this time that accompanied me, I was not alone. It was a hot summer day in South Texas. I, along with two other friends, had gone to where my father worked. My father worked at the Donna Lakes, a large water reservoir with several lakes and deep canals that lead to the main diesel pumps that take the water from the lower levels of the canal across the road where the water is discharged to a higher level canal that takes the water to the area farmers, ranchers, and small communities. We had all jumped into the water in the canal section approximately 200 yards away from the main water pumps. In that particular area two other smaller canals drained into the canal we were swimming in. Suddenly, I was pulled down by a strong water current. I depth of where I was at must of been at least 40 feet deep. I remember that I could not control my body – my swimming didn't help - my lungs quickly filled with water and began to sink further down to the bottom of the canal. I recall hitting my body on a huge log that was stuck at the bottom. It was at this point that I noticed that I had left my physical body and was in my spirit form, as I could see myself there in the bottom of the canal just swaying back and forth. I slowly began rising upward in the water and finally show the light of day and I was above the water mark. At that time, I saw my father and his worker running down the bank yelling to the others to go down and look for me “where was Ramie”. He didn't see me, but I saw them and the two other boys taking dives into the water looking for me. I continued my slow rise into the sky, the clear light slowly turned darker, I heard music (nothing that I had heard before) it was nice, it calmed me. Then, I began a tumbling action like if a power was pulling upwards, then there were small lights (soft blues and pinks) and I continued to float and tumble upwards. After some time, I began to see a brighter light in the distance and I knew that I was floating towards that light – that would be my destination. I recall thinking about my father and his face, he was full of anxiety and fear. He displayed a deep sense of love or loss for his son. I feel extremely sorry for my father and I also felt a deep sense of love towards him. As I got close to the light – I heard within me that it was not my time and that I was being sent back. There was an inner feeling as if “it was a question to me” that is, did I want to stay or return. I felt a need to return to be with my father. The next thing I remember, someone was pumping my chest and breathing in my mouth. I could hear them say that I was blue and there was no heart pulse so that they should not expect anything. I recalled that I heard them so clear. I sat up and spit out continuous gushes of water I was bloated. I looked around and I saw my Father. He came and gave me a strong hug. Enjoyment come over me and we went home, they then took me to the local doctor, then we went home. I was swimming at a local lake with my grandma, aunt and cousins. I was about 4 or 5 years old and I couldn't swim that well yet. After about 6 feet into the water there was an abrupt drop off to about 10 feet deep. I went to go swim toward my aunt who went out further in the lake to wash her hair. I went off the drop-off in the water. I was way over my head, and I went under the water. My aunt didn't see me and no one else saw me go under. What I remember was not being scared at all or even trying to kick or scream. I just went under the water and I was calm. I don't even remember inhaling any water. I felt totally at peace. I looked at the rocks on the bottom of the lake and I saw the light of the sun shining through the water. After awhile I became fixed on the sunlight and the light of the sun became bigger and bigger, until it looked like the suns rays had turned into the flowing gowns and wings of an angel with long golden hair (a woman). I just stayed under water and looked at the angel and tried to touch her because her arms were beckoning me towards her, and finally I touched her and was in the light too. Then my aunt grabbed me out of the water. (I was actually aggravated that I was grabbed away from the angel) I had been under for about 5 minutes. I was so calm and relaxed when I came up, my family didn't bother to take me to the doctor. One of my older cousins, jokingly asked me if I saw a “white light at the end of a tunnel.” I said there wasn't really a tunnel, but there was a bright golden light and an beautiful angel. (I hadn't heard before of “the white light at the end of the tunnel thing before”, so my family was shocked when I told them of the angel and the light.) If I had died that day, it wouldn't have been painful, but a very pleasant experience. I rather like being with the angel, and I felt safe and at peace. Thinking back, I don't think I was meant to die. But perhaps the angel was sent to keep me calm until I could be saved by my aunt. I ignored the symptoms of heart problems for over a day but finally decided to drive myself to the hospital. About a half hour later they barely had me hooked up when I told them “something was happening”. I started to go numb and the next thing I knew, I was in this warm, golden light and was very peaceful. I then saw several people in white robes who I recognized (but later forgot) welcoming me. I then felt this Love that was beyond measure which I later concluded could only have been God's Love. I then came to and saw a hospital employee who was very pale and who said “I've never had to do that before”, meaning using paddles to bring me back. I had a nice burn mark on my chest for proof along with a lot of IV's. Even though I had a wife and children, I remember being a little angry at them for bringing me back. A few days later I had a triple by-pass but was not nervous at all. During recovery at home I had a unique experience involving Michael W. Smiths song: “Breathe”. I also became like a human juke box for a while and could hear all kinds of contemporary Christian music which before my NDE didn't even like. I was reluctant to tell many people about my NDE but when I told a fellow employee he told me what I experience was a NDE and there were web sites related to it. Since then I have visited some sites and read a few books which seems to help. The “juke box” effect has gone but I still have one more that has not gone away which I'm not sure is related to the NDE. Quite by accident I have discovered that I can do arm curls with a 25# dumbbell for pretty much a long as Michael W. Smiths “Agnus Dei” is playing. I have done as much as 140 curls in each arm. Without the music I can only do about 30. No one else who I've tried this on is effected. I'm not sure what to do with this. Currently I try to read the bible every day and discern God's will for me. it was time to go into the delivery room. I was distraught with pain as they wheeled me in the room. I noticed the light shining on me from above my gurney. it was the doctors light. I started hearing a buzzing sound, like loud locust in the summer months. then I looked at the ceiling and saw the little black dots there. (typical in a hospital) the little black dots (the size of a pencil eraser) started to join together. the buzzing sound got louder and louder, as the dots started to form a black void. I felt a whoosh like water and air rushing over my face and body. that's when the dots just pretty much turned into a tunnel. I was in it, heading at an angle that was to my right and slightly upward. it was dark but it had substance not like just a void anymore but more like a tunnel. it was not snug around my body. I could see gray and dark matter around me. I was heading through the tunnel feet first. since I was giving birth to my son at that time. I thought to myself “oh this must be what the baby sees.” then I saw a light, a perfectly round bright light, it was white. I just saw it and thought how perfectly round it was. then as if time did not exist at all, I was back on the gurney with doctors rushing around and I didn't know what had happened or what was up ? I didn't know if I had had the baby. but I didn't care. I lay there breathing heavy and laughing at everyone rushing around. I knew it DIDN'T MATTER. I knew EVERYTHING WAS FINE. I knew even if my baby was deformed or dead or dying that it was all FINE AND WONDERFUL. I just laid there with this ALL KNOWING. I knew at that time that everything was alright. everything was for a reason and I knew this place is just a dream. earth is just a dream and nothing bad can really happen. I knew we were here to learn from our bad times and our good times. I knew it was LOVE. Love and Caring and to learn and to PASS IT ON TO OTHERS. YET I remember talking to no one. it was just a feeling. a KNOWING feeling. it was probably only a minute or two that I felt so KNOWING. THEN I turned “normal” again and I turned over to see my baby boy. I didn't care yet about him. I didn't know yet if the baby was a boy or girl because I still knew everything was wonderful no matter what. I could have at that moment loved a horrible human being. I could of have at that moment understood and forgave a person that murdered my child. I could of actually embraced them. very strange, because I'm not like that now but I do remember that feeling because I knew things. but “normal” kept taking over me. soon I asked, “is the baby alive”? “is the baby ok”? then, “is it a boy or a girl” years went by and I never thought about that much. that feeling I had until I was such a worried mom that I wouldn't let my sons run off and play like all kids should get to. I was too protective. my husband told me to let them be boys, so I knew I had to face my fear of death. I was so afraid they would get hurt or killed that I wouldn't let them be kids. so to face my fears I read about death. I read about NDEs. that's when I found there was a pattern. I had the pattern going on and then I knew that THAT was what had happened to me. I knew I was bleeding too much afterward because I was treated as such. I was in the water with a cousin and a current dragged us inside the sea. My cousin, in her desperation, stepped on my head trying to reach the surface; I lost orientation and didn’t know where the bottom or the surface was. I tried to swim but sank further down; I felt pain for a very brief moment, I heard the noise produced by the entering of water into my lungs. I went over details of my life since I was 3 years old until the moment of my drowning. Next, I saw my body slowly sinking in the water; I felt peace and a feeling of indescribable love and I saw a shining Light and as I was approaching it (the Light) the sensations were stronger. Then, suddenly everything changed; I felt as if I was being strongly vacuumed (sucked) and moving away from the light, the pain came back stronger than before, it was the surface air that was coming into my lungs when a lifeguard was trying to pull me out of the water. Because of the pain I scratched him and he let me go again in the water. I felt peace and started to see the light again. Another sudden movement got me out to the water surface. I lost consciousness and came back to my senses at the shore after vomiting all the salty water I had drank. I was no longer in my body, but I initially thought that I was dreaming! I was totally bewildered as to what was happening to me; because I was actually above the earth surrounded by huge, clouds moving about me—and I heard the most gloriously beautiful heavenly chorus, I say “Heavenly”, because Nothing I'd ever heard, nor have ever heard since, sounded as wonderful!!! The voices, which I readily assumed to be angelic, sang tremendously beautiful hymns, which were replete with –“Halleluyahs”, and “Glorias”; I cannot remember any of the other words, but all of a sudden, I found myself singing along with them, as if I'd known these songs and had sung them before!!! I must say that all during this time I could not fathom what was happening to me- until I suddenly realized that I was dead! Then I became very frightened, I did not want to die! I did not want to leave my babies, nor this life. Despite all the beauty of all I was experiencing I was sorely fearful of death! I cried to God, (I KNEW that he was there), and begged him not to let me die; that I didn't want to leave my children!! (With all this occurring, I strangely did not take much notice that I could breathe again, that ALL my pain was gone, along with that deadly weakness that enveloped me for weeks!) After my hysterical plea to God–He ANSWERED me! He said (telepathically, for I did not hear Him with my ears): “Don't be afraid, you will not die, you will live, and you will live to be with your children” These were His exact words! Immediately after He uttered those words, I was back in my body, though it felt as if I had awakened from a very deep sleep; and as all those horrible, horrible, symptoms were not with me in the clouds, they were now, no longer with me in my bedroom!!! I was 5 years old. I had measles and very very high fever. I was at home because they could not shift me to a hospital. The doctor was not too sure if I'd make it though the night. What I was most aware and awestruck by was seeing myself in my bed. But it wasn't scary it was peaceful. I saw my grandma asleep in a chair next to me. saw my parents in the next room asleep and my other grandma in the 3rd bedroom asleep. The walls of the house were just not there. I was moving towards a beautiful bright light just like the moon but sending out long rays of light that I was going towards…… I kept going higher and higher towards the light saw myself and my family get smaller and then suddenly my grandma woke up, opened her prayer book and started praying. Next thing I knew I was getting sucked down towards my body and landed in with a thump. My parents say I was in a coma for about 3 weeks and couldn't even open my eyes. In the recovery room of an outpatient surgery facility is where my NDE took place. My husband was in the room next door when he heard the alarms go off. Alarmed, he got up and opened the recovery room door. He said my color was bluish white and my blood pressure was 175/138. The medical staff were working on me. When my vital signs became stable, the nurse asked my husband to stay with me. He said that I repeatedly called for Jesus. While this was occurring, I was unconscious. I remember feeling a crushing pain in my chest and difficulty breathing. All of a sudden the chest pain stopped. In fact, all pain stopped. I remember thinking, “this doctor has cured me!!” I could still feel my legs from the knees below, but nothing else. I felt wonderful. I opened by eyes to a blinding white light. Everything was bright white. I then saw Jesus standing about 3 feet from me. When I saw him I felt the most love I have ever felt in my life. I called him by name and he answered me - his lips did not move but I heard him in my head. He was beautiful. He had beautiful eyes and was smiling. His hair seemed to move in a slight wind. I saw what I thought was a gorgeous Christmas ornament pinned to the front of his white robe. I thought that was strange but did not ask Him about it. I started to kick my legs to get the rest of the way out of my body. I remember trying to reach for Him but I couldn't see my hands. All I could think of was that I wanted to be with Him. I later felt so guilty that I could so willingly want to leave my husband and children who I love dearly. It was then I heard my deceased father-in-law's voice behind Jesus' left shoulder. He said, “You need to go back to take care of Tiger (his pet name for my husband)”. I could hear many people's voices saying my name but could not see anything but the bright white light and Jesus' beautiful face. It was then that Jesus told me that I had to go back, it was not my time yet. I asked why. He lifted His right hand. Beyond His sleeve, I saw a beautiful tropical island and many tanned children rising happily to Heaven. I did not understand. When I went to ask Him what that meant, He was gone and I felt like I was slammed back into my body and resumed feeling all the pain. I have told several people about my experience. Some have said it was probably a hallucination. Why would I have only one hallucination? Why would I hallucinate about Jesus? How could I hallucinate the feelings of overwhelming love and well being? - these words don't even come close to how wonderful I felt when I saw Jesus. I went to bed after a few beers about 1am-ish my girlfriend was asleep in the bed, I felt a bit asthmatic but soon fell asleep. The next thing I remember I could see myself sitting cross-legged in the air above me as if on a cloud, I was smiling down at myself even laughing, then very quickly I was floating up a tunnel with very brilliant white light at it end, this light contained overwhelming love, more love and beauty than I can express, and a presence of Jesus Christ. There was a presence of a life form with me, in the tunnel guiding me, but this seemed not important at the time. I was then spoken to by a voice which asked me whether I wanted to finish my task on earth or not? I was told that my task was to find out about all aspects of love, and as attractive as the light and energy was, I said I would come back to earth, I had a choice, and chose to be here. I then rapidly found myself waking up to a full blown asthma attack covered in sweat and breathing not very well, in minutes I came out of this asthmatic state and felt very happy that there was life with Christ after death, I have not had an asthma attack that bad ever since. I was accidentally poisoned. Almost instantly I could not breathe. Then I just knew I was dying. I ran to my brothers bed room it was the first room I came to. I laid on the bed in serious chest pain and pop! I was on the other side of the room, but my body, my shell was on the bed. I saw and felt the light, am I dead? Then gentle laughter, no nick you can't die you were never born. Is your shell going to die? Not yet. Are you jesus? I am the great I am. I come to you the way you want to see me there is a golden thread in all religions and practices. I am the blanket and you are a thread of it. This is my imagination. Is it nick! No, I was never so sure of anything as I am of this. You have chosen an experience you wish to live it is far from over. The light told me many things which I choose not to talk of. But I was told there is no hell . Hell is a lack of harmony heaven is harmony. You can have these in or out of the shell. Several things were told to me one of which was you will a child late in life you will call him quentin it will be with the third woman. I had quentin with my third wife when I was 55yrs. Old my first child. There is so much more all I can say is I still have daily contact with the light every day . I was asleep, I awoke to find the rest of the world still sleeping! It comes from within…. Peace nicholas p. I was playing with my grandmother in the pool by jumping off the edge and letting her catch me. while jumping during this game, I came short of her arms and fell into the water, as I couldn't swim at that time and the pool was too deep for me, I went under water. I remember my mouth and lungs filling with water and then I remember seeing my lifeless body settling on the floor of the pool, I didn't feel anything when I watched it. I knew that I was out of my body and that I was very happy that it happened, I felt that this was right and I felt such lightness and wonder and peace that I never wanted to go back. I think I remember myself flying over the city and seeing the building where the pool was situated from a great height. I wanted to leave my body permanently, but then I saw my grandma grab my body and I felt as if someone shoved me with a forceful push into my body, or it was as if I was attached my strings to my body and they pulled me back in as my grandmother pulled to the surface. I then remember spluttering and coughing up lots of water and grandma holding me. I was a bit annoyed that she didn't let me go, I felt a great sense of freedom when I was out of my body and I didn't want to lose it. I was experiencing much abdominal pain…perhaps because of cholera or food poising or something. Nobody really knows. I had symptoms of being severely sick with vomiting and diarrhea with cramping in my stomach and extremities. I remember getting into the ambulance from a gurney but then I do not remember much after that. Then I remember seeing an intense light and having no fear, but relaxed. Then a figure emerged who I identified as Jesus…a figure consistent with a painting of Jesus my grandmother had. I really only remember seeing the bottom part of his robe, ankles and feet, but I knew the whole being was also somehow present. I remember arguing with this figure, very forcefully, telling him that I could not join with him yet because I had a child to raise. I needed to be there for my child. Then I woke up. At first I was incredulous that what had happened to me was real. The longer I reflected on this experience, the more I was convinced it was real and that it was a gift, a responsibility of some kind. Very special. Eventually I because peaceful with it and accepted it as part of me. I met my late father (he died 20 yrs previously from the date of my NDE). He was standing with my late uncle (he died about 15 yrs previously). I didn't talk to my uncle, but my father was very surprised to see me. I was just so happy to see him. He asked me, “why are you here?” I said, “I don't know.” Then, he said, “You must go back.” Well, the place was so peaceful and wonderful, my whole feeling of pain and sadness were gone. I just wanted to be with him in that place. I said, “No, I don't want to go back.” He yelled at me and said, “You must go, this is not a place for you.” I cried. I didn't want to leave there at all. I called him, “Daddy!” then, I woke up from a comma. When I saw my family by my side, the first thing I said was, “I met a daddy.” Everyone thought I was still in a dream. I went out of my body, saw the doctors around working on me during surgery. I went through a tunnel really fast. I was in a wonderful light. I saw a bridge. across the bridge were people I knew who had died like my father whom had died less than a year before this, he was so happy to see me and said hi mija. There was light around them, other family members were all smiling at me , he was so proud for them to see me. I was happy to be there. Then after a while a voice said I had to go back it wasn't my time. I had things to do, my dads face dropped, he looked sad. I said I didn't want to go back. I was crying. then like an instant. I went back through the tunnel and I was back in my body. I am filled with joy and excitement. In a few days I will finally graduate from high school and move forward with my life. Our class decides to have a picnic at a nearby lake as our final class outing before graduation, and I’m excited about going. I arrive at the lake and it is a great day for a picnic. The sun is shinning, the sky is painted a beautiful shade of blue dotted with perfect cotton ball clouds. A warm breeze blows the fresh smell of the trees, sand and lake everywhere. I change into my swimsuit and begin the party with some beach games before lunch. After I eat, some of my friends swim out to a floating platform, about one hundred yards off shore. Once they get to the platform, they wave and yell for me to join them. The water is much too cold for me to ease in slowly, so from 20 feet back, I take a running leap and hit the water in a gigantic belly flop. My body warms a bit as I get into my swimming rhythm. Then about half way to the floating platform, I feel the first cramping pains in my stomach and groin. “But the cramps aren’t that bad,” I tell myself, “and besides, I’m almost half way there. I can make it.” With every stroke the cramps and pain increase, and my knees buckle into my stomach. I can no longer kick my legs or straighten my body. I’m scared. My arms move, but I don’t go anywhere but down. As I struggle beneath the surface of the water I start gagging on the water. It’s in my nose, down my windpipe, and in my lungs … I’m submerged, and then sink. As I struggle, I finally get my head up out of the water. Frantically, I search the water’s surface for the platform and my friends. No one recognizes my dilemma. Down I go again, deeper than before. My arms feel frozen in place, and every muscle in my body screams with pain. I never imagined that I could be in such unbearable pain. I sink deeper as the beautiful June sunlight fades to blackness. “Oh my God, it’s all black, I can’t see anything.” A loud, painful, ringing sound is in my ears. It feels as if someone stuck an ice pick in my ears. I’m convinced my brain will explode any second. I‘m falling endlessly down this freezing black hole. My body trembles uncontrollably in freezing water. I continue to sink into this ice-cold, black hole; it seems to last forever. Wait, I feel something. It’s the slimy, cold weeds at the bottom of the lake. Struggling in this tangle of weeds feels horribly like falling into a frigid snake pit. Finally I hit the bottom. I try to push myself up with trembling, numb hands, but the goo at the lake bottom holds me down an sucks me deeper into the mud. Then, I hear a strange voice inside my head say, “Andy, rest, for just a moment, you need to let go.” I reply, “No, I can’t, I have to get to the surface for some air.” Then the voice says again, “If you let go for just a moment, then I promise that you can return to the struggle. And I respond, “Do you promise?” And the voice answers back, “Yes, I promise.” In my frozen panic I say to myself, “All right then, OK then, I’ll stop for just a moment of rest.” I stop struggling. I let go … The very instant I let go, I am hurled into a dark, black tunnel. I look back and see my body stuck in the weeds at the bottom of the lake. I look forward and see a brilliant Light shining at the end of the tunnel. Instantly, the freezing cold is gone, I feel warm. The horrible pain in my body is gone, and I feel peaceful, calm, and very, very happy. The ringing in my ears and head is gone, replaced by a gentle silence, as if I was in the middle of a redwood forest with a gentle breeze blowing through the tops of the trees. The radiant Light that looks like a thousand exploding suns overtakes the blackness. My retinas should have been burned out by its brightness, but I can stare into the Light and it doesn’t hurt. Again, I realize that all of the pain that consumed me an instant ago is completely gone. Warmth, joy, and an indescribable feeling of love replace the cold, terror, panic, and fear that enveloped me. For some unknown reason, this dramatic rush toward the Light causes me no concern. I have no fear of the Light. I’m pulled closer and closer, as if I’m drawn into the Light by a gentle, giant magnet. Then, in the next instant, I’m suspended inside the center an immense sphere, bigger than our high school gymnasium. The inside of the sphere looks like an enormous, unending movie screen, with hundreds of movies playing in every direction at the same time. I am completely surrounded by images of my experiences. Wherever I look in the sphere, I see all the events of my lives; and I can hear, feel, touch, and smell the exact experience of living those lives. In this place there is no beginning; there is no end. I observe all of the moments of my lives all at the same time, all around me. All my lifetimes are somehow mystically connected to each other. Strange, I sense no fear or judgments, no guilt or accountability, and absolutely no blame or shame. I re-experience every thought, word, and action of each life experience whenever I focus on them. I am suspended in a world of unlimited dimensions. Then after what seems like hours in the sphere, I am instantly back in the tunnel again, drawn toward the Light. I can actually feel its brightness, warmth, and love. As I get closer to the Light, I am absorbed by its brilliance and perfect love. I am in the Light! Oh my God, I am actually in the Light. I am the Light! I look directly into the source of the Light and it appears to me in a human-like form. It looks like a massive, human silhouette that is radiating with the brightness of thousands of suns. Although I can’t remember seeing its form before, somehow I recognize it. The Light speaks to me, “Andy, do not be afraid. Andy, I love you. Andy, we love you.” The Light—It actually knows me. The Light knows my name. The Light called me Andy. Surrounding the central Light form are millions and millions of other Lights welcoming me back home. I know them all and they know me, we are all pieces of the same Light. I hear myself say, “It’s good to be back home.” We are All home together again. Although I am in the Light, and the Light is in me, I am still Andy. I’m everywhere and I am here at the same time. I see me as a person and I see me in the infinite, warm, and loving Light. I become the Light. The Light has a voice that I have never heard, but it is not strange to me. The Light has a smile that is indescribably beautiful, and I recognize that too. The Light has an incredible sense of humor and an infectious laugh, and we talk and laugh together. The Light as the answers to all of the questions in the universe—and I don’t have any questions, because I know everything that the Light knows, and that is everything! The Light also knows everything that I have ever done or will do, and the Light loves me without conditions. The Light loves me because of who I am—Andy, a piece of the Light. There is no fear. No judgment. No punishment. No blame. No shame. No ledger of good and bad deeds. Only warmth, peace, joy, happiness, forgiveness, and love in the Light. I am one with the unconditionally loving Light. I’m home. I am home forever. And then I am startled! The Light says, “Andy, you must go back.” And I say, “No, I’m not going back, I’m not leaving … I’m never ever going back.” The Light says for a second time, “Andy, you must go back.” I repeat my first response, “No, I’m not going back … ever.” Just the thought of returning to my body back on earth is repulsive to me. It felt like I would be trying to force the universe in a tiny, brittle bottle. Then the Light says the third time, “Andy, you must go back.” The next instant, without pause or delay of the smallest increment of time, I am back on Earth. Stuffed back into a cold, shivering, aching body lying on the beach. I open my eyes and tears roll down my cheeks. The Light is gone. Oh my God, the Light is gone. I am so sad, so mournful. I am back in this tired, achy, and nearly frozen body. How sad … how very, very sad I am. I am lying on my stomach on the sand. One of my friends pushes the rest of water out of my lungs. I cough out the water, but the intense pain remains. This time the pain is different and permanent. It’s the pain of being separated from the Light. I don’t know why I’m so sad? I don’t even know what I have just experienced? But I do know that all of the warmth, beauty, and love that was infused in my soul, I can no longer feel. The Light has played a devious trick on me. The Light allowed me to expand and become one with the universe, and then rammed me back into my frail, earthly body. At the time, it seemed like a very cruel experience to put me through. I was very angry at the Light. All my classmates stand around me, glad that I’ve been revived. Someone says, “Andy, you don’t seem very happy about being dragged from the bottom of the lake, are you still in a daze, or what? How was it? Were you afraid?” I answer with a lie. I say that I can’t remember anything. I tell them that the entire episode is a complete blank. I have to lie to my friends, I have to lie to my family, and I have to lie to myself. I can’t tell anyone about the Light. How can expect them to understand what I just experienced if I don’t understand any of it myself? I tell myself that maybe it was just a hallucination or some bizarre connection of synapses inside my brain from the lack of oxygen, or something else like that. I don’t know, maybe I’m just plain crazy. Oh well, I’ll probably forget all about it in a little while. The accident was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, and it is also the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will share this experience because it is the basis for what I learned and how I learned it. The accident (my hug from God): It was a gorgeous summer day, July 1994, in Cleveland, OH and traffic was heavy on the freeway. I was driving our mini-van. I was pretty stressed. My husband and I had just returned from SC the night before with his mom, dad and their 3 dogs. His dad had a stroke the week before and they were going to stay with us while he recovered. (It ended up being a whole year.) I should probably tell you we had 6 children living at home (between the ages of 17 thru 5) and a dog of our own at the time. Life had thrown us all a curve but we were handling things as they came along. We have always taught our children that family is important. I had to pick up my paycheck so I could go food shopping before going to work at 3p.m. I was on a tight but doable schedule. God had a different plan and a wonderful sense of humor… A car was in the median strip (on the left) with a flat tire and a group of Boy Scouts was sitting on the grass. I had been going with the flow of traffic in the high-speed lane when the car in front of me slowed to go into the grassy median to help them. As I put my foot on the brake to slow down I looked in my rearview mirror and saw the grille of a semi. Not the semi …the grille of the semi. It was literally, my worst nightmare. I was horrified and panicked. I remember saying out loud “I cannot believe I’m going to die today!” It was about 3 seconds from the time I saw him until I was hit but those 3 seconds changed my life and me completely. Immediately time stopped …it became eternal. I was alert, oriented and still driving throughout the entire process. I was in my body but was taken out of Earths time frame. There was no sound …all was quiet and calm. I spoke out loud throughout the entire conversation while His replies were in the form of thoughts placed in my head. With time stopping came a huge feeling of enormous love that just kept growing stronger and stronger. The panic was replaced with love that gave me such a calm feeling and I was no longer afraid. I was being hugged, big time! I had never felt love like this before. Instinctively, I knew this was God. Think of someone who loves you dearly… now multiply that feeling by about a million and maybe you will come close to how loved I felt. I could feel that there were also 2 others with me. I can’t explain how I know this but one was my grandmother. It took 7 years to figure out whom the other was. I really wanted to cry but there was no time. Most of us go through our lives being taught to believe in God. I was brought up in a very strict Roman Catholic household by parents who taught us what they learned from their parents. OK… I did believe, but I was very angry with him because of things that had happened to me in my childhood and life in general. Now I had been given proof (enough for me) that there really is a God. A loving God… not a hell, fire and damnation God. The next words out of my mouth were “Oh, shit! I screwed this up! There really is a God!” I was mortified at my language and this knowledge. I quickly said “Oh …sorry!” His reply to me was even greater love and a feeling of “My child, calm down, everything is just fine.” I actually felt like His child and it was a very safe and warm place. He has very loving and gentle hands. With that, placed in front of me to see and feel was a review of my life … in color. I had t see and feel all the good I had done (and the good I didn’t even know I did). I actually could feel the joy each person felt when I touched their life in a loving way. I was getting “caught” doing something right for once in my life. During the good He was telling me “I am so proud of you!” I felt such joy for making Him so proud because I never realized what that felt like because I always felt like I couldn’t do anything right. Reviewing my random acts of kindness gave me the most joy because I was able to feel the difference I made in someone’s life that I hadn’t realized at the time …and I didn’t even know them. I was shown it is not the big things we do in life that make the difference. It’s all the little things we do each day that make the difference. Little acts of kindness mean so much to God. Also, I had to see and feel all the hurtful things I had done (even the hurtful things I didn’t know I did). I had to feel the persons’ hurt I caused. But… you know how we are taught that we will stand before God and be judged one day? God was not judging me. I was looking at my actions…with God at my side loving me while I was judging myself …and believe me, no one can judge me any harsher than I already judge myself. It was like getting “caught” by my parents when doing something wrong, only worse. During the hurtful review I was so ashamed and there was no hiding. My immediate thought, and I said it out loud, was “I’m ready … I belong in Hell … I don’t deserve to go to Heaven!” But it felt like He took hold of my arm as I was making my way to Hell and said “Wait a minute young lady you get back here! You don’t understand and I’m going to explain this to you.” He was asking me “What different choices could you have made? What are you learning from this?” Not yelling at me and saying “How could you do that!?” or, “You’re going to Hell!” This was clearly not the punishing God I had been taught to believe in. The hardest part of this was realizing He had already forgiven me … I was having a very hard time forgiving myself. He showed me how I couldn’t let His love in without, first, forgiving myself. Punishing myself didn’t make me better in His eyes, accepting His love was what He wanted from me. Once I was able to accept that God only loved, it was easier for me to openly and honestly look at my life. I wanted to learn as much as I could… I had so many questions. God loves me the way I love my children. Even when they do something wrong I still love them. I’m not happy with their actions but that doesn’t change my love for them. I hurt for them and … I make them take responsibility for their actions. There are no strings attached to God’s love. I had taken parenting classes and read all I could find so I wouldn’t make the same mistakes my parents did raising kids. He showed me that even though I wasn’t physically abusing my kids, I was killing them with my words. That is just as bad. I could feel their pain. I felt like such a failure. I just kept repeating, “I’m so sorry” over and over again. He just kept on loving me. He let me ask him questions. My only question was how could He give me the parents I had? How could he forget all about me and leave me so alone to work my way through those years? What was He thinking!? I have to admit I was pretty angry. He showed me why I had the parents, childhood and life I had experienced. I asked Him for it!!! I chose this life because I wanted to learn those lessons. Everything was so clear to me … I had to go through it all to learn what I needed to learn and be able to continue my work here. He never left me alone and I could see in hindsight that he was always with me. I was making a lot of wrong choices because I wasn’t listening to or trusting myself. I was spending too much time comparing myself to others. I was doing what I thought I was supposed to be doing. I felt like a little mouse in a maze trying to find my way but I wasn’t getting anywhere. By what I was shown I understood that Earth is school and when we are done we have a “Life Review” and then we get to graduate nd go back home. The whole experience was amazing because I felt like my brain had been opened up to the whole universe. Everything made so much sense. The lesson was so simple …it’s all about love. How much God loves us, and how well we learn to love others and ourselves during this life on Earth, despite what we have to go through in our lives. When my Life Review was over He placed in front of me why we come to Earth. I was so amazed. I was floored at how important we all are to God …especially how important I was to God. I didn’t think He knew I even existed. All the years I was beating myself up and His question to me was “Why would I go through all the trouble to make you just the way you are if I wanted you to try and be like someone else?” No one else could do the job I came here to do the way He wanted me to do it! That is why it is so important that we not be so judgmental of each other. Some of us are here to teach, some to learn and some to do both. I had to learn to listen to my heart. Then He asked me if wanted to stay on Earth or go with Him. Wow, I get a choice? It would have been much easier on me if He had not given me the choice but had made the choice for me. I didn’t want to make the choice. Making this decision was an amazing process. I understood that my children had known coming into this life that there was a possibility they could lose me at an early age. I knew that my family would learn to overcome this lesson and God would take good care of them. I knew He would take good care of me! That was easy … I was going! But He didn’t like my answer so He showed me what I still had left to do …the whole reason I came to Earth …the job I asked Him for!!!! His question to me was “Can you do this?” I remember saying so matter of fact “I can do that!” His next question was “Do you want to do this?” My answer was “That is so cool, I would really love to do that!” I believe I was shown this to help me make a different decision because the next thing in front of me was, again: “Do you want to stay or go?” Even though my good far outweighed my bad (and I wanted to stay in His loving embrace) I desperately needed to fix the hurtful things if I had a chance to. I didn’t want to leave so many things undone before I had to go. My main reason for staying was because I didn’t want to let God down. I wanted to finish the job I had come here to do. I wanted to show Him that I’m not a quitter. I also wanted to live on this Earth knowing God loved me. I felt like I had no other choice than to stay. I replied, almost in a whisper and very, very reluctantly, “I really want to go with you …but I have to stay.” My only regret is that even though I really took my time to make this decision, it seemed like I said that statement so fast. The moment I said I have to stay, the whole “movie” in front of me closed up and my conversation with God was over. One second I was having a wonderful visit with God, my grandmother and a friend from the other side. I could even picture me brewing a pot of coffee and all of us having a cup of coffee together during this conversation. Only …my hands were gripped tightly on the steering wheel of the van, I was still driving and I was thinking, “I cannot believe this is happening to me!!!!” I couldn’t believe how much I had learned in 3 seconds. I had so many unanswered questions. I wanted more time. I wanted more love. I didn’t want this to end. I couldn’t believe all the things my brain could do at one time. I was disappointed that I didn’t get to “go into the light” because I could feel the edges all around me …but I had made my choice. Suddenly it was over. I was literally forced (pushed) back into reality …earths’ time. everything but his love, m grandmother and friend was gone. “Gee whiz!” In my head, the thought was placed, “Take your foot off the brake and floor the gas.” I didn’t ask any questions and just did as I was told. As I hit the car in front of me the semi hit me. I clipped the car and sent it safely into the median. The truck did not jackknife. I drove about 100 feet more and went into the median and stopped because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and didn’t want to be in the middle of it. The thing I want to stress here is that if I had said I wanted to go, I would have been gone before the accident even happened. My family would have thought I died a horrible death by being run over by a semi. The reality was that my body would have died a horrible death, not me. At the point of impact I was still being hugged safely in my cocoon of God’s love. I did not feel the accident at all. There was no pain. It was a different story a few hours later … I refused to go to the hospital because I felt fine. NEVER make that stupid decision. It is always a good idea to be checked out after an accident. I sat in my van with the back blown out of it and kept hugging myself because I didn’t want to lose the feeling of tremendous love I had been given by God because it was still with me. I was also afraid to look back and see what had happened. Being a nurse, I felt it was my duty to help with the injured but I just couldn’t handle one more thing. I have no idea how long it took for the police to get there but when the policeman opened the door of my van (I was still trying to breathe) I burst into tears. The cocoon of love evaporated when he opened the door. It took him awhile to figure out I was physically unhurt. The feeling of God’s love was just a memory now and emotionally I fell apart. His comment was “I don’t know how you did it, but you saved a lot of lives today because no one is hurt.” I couldn’t tell him what happened. It was hard for me to believe it myself. For once in my life I was speechless and that doesn’t happen very often to me. Just ask anyone who knows me. Hours after the accident I started to hurt all over my body and I couldn’t move my neck. My husband took me to the emergency room that night. The doctor was surprised that I “only had whiplash”. The staff was marveling at why I was still here. I knew exactly why I was still here. I chose it. I didn’t say one word to anybody (not even my husband) because I knew if I told them what had happened to me they would admit me to the psychiatric floor! I didn’t think anyone would believe me. Also, I said earlier that I was clearly shown my purpose here on Earth and the work I had left to do, during my Life Review. When the accident was over I couldn’t remember why I chose to come here or what I had left to do. It’s still, right on the tip of my tongue. The knowledge was taken away as soon as I said I have to stay. So I am back to a little mouse in a maze with everybody else trying to find my way. When things get really tough I remember what I said that day so matter of fact “I can do that.” It keeps me grounded and moving forward. I know for a fact that God is really with me and I love to make him proud. I keep a first grade picture of myself at my bedside to remind me every morning that I am a child of God. When I am faced with a difficult situation or someone makes me mad I stop a second to decide what I am going to do. I know I’m going to have to do another Life Review and I do not want to review it in a hurtful way again. i’m not perfect but I really try hard to do th right thing. Besides that, I know He is watching me. As a postscript you need to know that my husband totaled my car 7 days before this accident with me in the car. We both walked away from that accident unhurt. There was no Near Death Experience for either one of us that day. I was still pretty upset with him about losing the car. It was my first car, the one I picked out and the registration had my name on it. I loved that car. Talk about screwed up priorities. If he had not totaled my car… instead of driving an Astro Van I would have been driving a Mazda 323. This is just more proof to me of why I believe everything happens for a reason. There would have been no choices that day. That semi would have gone right over the top of me. Before the accident, I had a hard time praying. Now I talk to Him the same way I carry on a conversation with anybody else (anytime and anywhere). In fact, after the first accident a week before the truck accident, I walked out to the middle of my front yard. I screamed at the sky “I know they say that God doesn’t give us anything more than we can handle. But you are blowing it, big time, right now. So just come down here and tell me what you want me to do and I will do it so you can leave me the hell alone!” My poor husband took me by the arm saying, “Come inside, the neighbors are watching.” I really had no idea He was listening to me so be careful what you ask for because I found out, very unexpectedly, just how much He cared about me. I don’t need to scream at Him anymore. I understand what he was trying to tell me now. I received his answer loud and clear. The whole year after my accident was probably one of the hardest years of my life and I often wondered why I was stupid enough to stay here and not leave when I had the chance. I kept yelling at myself “What the heck were you thinking!?” Now, looking back at what I learned and how blessed I am today, I am so glad I stayed. When I see the rays of sun stream through the clouds (The Holy Spirit) sometimes I get really homesick. To me, God is The Light. That is Him reminding me to remember how much He loves me and I am never alone. And one day I’ll get to go back to Him. Until then I plan on having a good time. I look at every obstacle as an adventure now and I’m always looking for the lesson. It’s a wonderful game. Life is so much easier this way. Every time I doubt myself about what happened or question whether I am overstepping my bounds when I share this, or any, experience with a family or patient at work, something always happens to remind me that I am on the right track. This all happened before I even knew about near death experiences. My father never took us to church. The only prayer I knew was the one we did in school at the starting of class in the morning. At that time we had to pray in school. I knew about Jesus because in Hungary he was the one that brought gifts on Christmas Eve and I learned in school that he was crucified on the cross on Good Friday. My parents said we were catholic. I never studied any religion until I left home at 17. Let's start with my experience from the dark tunnel. I was in this tunnel with a bright light at the end with these dark inhuman creatures trying to grab me while I was speeding towards the light. I don't know whether I was running or floating. All I know was that I was going real fast and this voice from the light was telling me to hurry to get away from these creatures and I was terrified. When I got through into the light this voice from another light was trying to comfort me by saying everything was all right now. I followed the voice up farther and went through a brighter light and I felt I was closer to the voice. Ahead of me I saw an even brighter light. As I tried to go through it I was told I wasn't ready to go though there yet. I was told that I had the freedom to stay there or go back to my body. I remember my future being showed to me. My two brothers who weren't born yet were shown to me. One was born when I was fifteen and another was born at when I was seventeen. My son was also shown to me. He was born when I was twenty two. After this I was sent back to a room where the doctor was working on me. I was looking down on me while it looked like he was hitting my chest. He kept going and going and I never thought he would stop. He finally stopped and told the nurse that he was going to tell my parents that I was gone. When he said that I thought to myself oh no I'm not and I went into my body and I must have taken a deep enough breath that the nurse heard it and called the doctor back. After that I did not see anything. The doctor told me I was in a coma for 3 days after that. He told me that they thought they lost me and he was glad I was alive. When I told him that they did lose me he turned as white as a sheet. When my son was about a year old my mother-in-law took him and got him a red outfit and dressed him up in it to surprise me. As soon as I saw him this deja vu hit me and I remember that that was the outfit he had on when I was shown my future while I was out of my body. When I first met my husband I knew he was the one right away. This was before I even met him. He was introduced to me three weeks after I saw him by some friends. I can't remember any of my future till it happens. I had severe head trauma after being hit with a shot-put at a track and field tournament. I remember feeling like I was drowning in my own blood, then rising above the scene. There was no pain associated with this. My account was brief. I remember feeling like I was part of the air, warm and weightless, as I drifted upward. I was wearing a shirt from my childhood that my mother had made me when I was a small child. I watched the activity on the field and saw an ambulance van pull on to the field, and a body being placed inside it. I felt I had no connection to it, I was just an observer. I then remember going back into my body, and the paramedics cutting my shirt off. That was my last memory until waking up in the hospital. I found out later that someone had wrapped my head in ice and towels immediately after the accident, so there was no way I could have seen all that was happening. During my NDE I felt only love and peace. I had a tonsil infection with a fever of 42º Celsius and I was in a coma. I remember that I witnessed the whole process from some place on the ceiling of the room and I saw my uncle, who was a pediatrician, kneeling at the head of the bed crying while he stroked my forehead with his hand. I knew that the body in the bed was mine but I felt completely indifferent towards it as if it did not belong to me. My maternal grandparents were at the foot of the bed crying, their bodies reflected in the mirror over the chest of drawers behind them. My grandmother was dressed in a black dress embroidered with jet black stones and lace on the front. I liked that dress very much. My father came in, also a physician, dressed in one of those light gray suites of the 1940s, with big lapels that were crossed and belted with the same material. He was saying he was going to Tui on the border with Portugal because some of his colleagues from Oporto were going to give him some medicine that could cure me. My grandfather strongly insisted that he go in the car driven by the chauffeur because he couldn't go alone in his own car because of all the worry he had. I heard my mother crying in the distance and the voice of my aunt who I now think was undoubtedly consoling her. Afterwards I remember that I found myself in a state of total freedom and happiness, surrounded by an infinite Love that I don't know how to describe. There are no words. I only know that my body was not at all important to me. I didn't even look at it. But all of a sudden someone was wetting my lips trying to give me water and I choked. Then they sat me up in bed and I screamed at them to leave me in peace. I knew that they wanted to make me return. I shouted “No, I don't want to! My body hurts! If you don't love me why do I have to return? I don't want to. My body hurts!” But they didn't hear me and someone gave me a hard slap on my back between my shoulder blades destroying my wings. I opened my eyes and they gave me penicillin that cured the infection but they had deprived me of my wings.. I recently underwent regression therapy during which I was able to remember the circumstances that had caused me to get sick and I understood that my mother loved me even though she would have preferred that I had been the “longed for” son after having two daughters. I also learned that I was hyperactive and was constantly worrying my mother because of my physical strength which made her lose patience sometimes. I found out that when my brother was born my grandparents offered to take care of me at their house where I got sick so that my mother could take care of the baby without having me around to play pranks everywhere. But I have always lived with the memory of having wings and of this infinite fullness of Love and freedom. After all I have read about these experiences, I realize that children who have them experience them in a much more simple way, as I did, because they are still without prejudices and cultural points of reference like adults have. One of the problems children may have who have had this experience and remember it is that no one believes them. And this is compounded by the feeling that “my body hurts” but that it also hurts internally, mentally, since after having this experience one remains enormously lucid and aware and it takes a lot of energy to live surrounded by contradictions or by lies and deceptions. One feels like a fish out of water, like living as a Martian during your whole life. Involved in explosion received chest and lung injuries from metal pieces of the explosive device. The NDE occurred two days after the accident while in hospital. I felt that I was falling horizontally “Down” a tunnel or long hallway towards a bright light. I seemed to want what was at or in that light. I told my parents that the light was something “sweet”, something good and wonderful. I felt no fear, in fact I felt strong love, a wanting that was so incredible I find it hard describe the intensity of that feeling. Suddenly I felt I was going back, not back up the tunnel, somehow out of it. My next memory was slowly being aware of my surroundings, nurses etc. It was another week before I able to talk of my experience as until then I was on a respirator with tubes down my throat etc. The moment I could talk all I wanted talk about my wonderful light. I was in a dark moist place that was warm. I felt totally peaceful there. Then a man in a blue shirt showed up and picked me up, and we went walking. The further we walked the brighter the light became, and he did, too. He carried me over a void place, and I was given to understand that it was hell, because there was no God there at all. It was a featureless plain that the person carried me through, all the while glowing brighter and brighter and the road we were on glowed brighter and brighter as well. Finally we were out of the void spot and the person was so bright I couldn't look at him anymore. He carried me until we reached an area that looked to me like three windows onto heaven. There I was given to understand my place wasn't there yet, and I had to go back to my body. When I did, the pain was immense and immediate. I am no longer afraid to die. Life has been difficult emotionally for some time….several years in fact. Events led up to me just wanting to die. I just didn't want to hurt any longer. I saw no way out of the pain. I had not planned suicide but the night, the moment, recent events….some alcohol and pills available….within moments my mind was made up. I had hit the wall. I had no intention of living. I wanted to die. As a matter of fact, when I was in ER and they were bringing me around…after the NDE, I fought them begging them to please let me go…that I did not want to come back to this side. Those were my exact words….” I don't want to come back to this side, I want to stay on the other side”. Those were my first words. So… I drank a few beers…ate a few pills…drank a couple more beers and then I remembered that I had not called my sister. I wanted to say goodbye to her without letting her know what I was doing. I had already written a suicide note explaining everything but I wanted to hear my sister's voice. During our conversation, she knew something was wrong. I told her that I was not feeling well. During our conversation, the pills kicked in quicker than I had thought…and I passed out while talking to her. She called 911 from Mississippi (I live just outside Chicago) and she could not get connected. She eventually called the Police in the town that I live in and convinced them to call an ambulance. It took 40 minutes for them to find my correct address and they came in through my bedroom window via a ladder. I am in an apartment on the second floor and they could not get in the main door so they broke through the window and found me unconscious. The next thing that I knew was waking up in ER. They were working on me. I remember all the people around me and fighting them to leave me alone so that I could stay in the place where I had recently been. I physically started fighting them because so desperately wanted to stay in that happy, loving, peaceful place that I had been. Now for the experience: The first conscious thing that I remember is that there was a swooshing sound…very light…sort of like when a parachute opens and the calm that follows while you are floating to the ground. There was a light….not blinding but like a soft light shining through a fog. The feeling was so peaceful…no pain, calm, happy and there were “people” or spirits of people that I knew. There was a feeling of happiness and laughter and camaraderie of all that were there. I saw no bodies but I knew some of the people and felt friends all around me. I can't say who they were but I know that I knew all of them and that they knew me. They were happy to see me. I was so very happy to be there. I was rejoicing and ready to stay. It is at almost the moment that I knew that I wanted to stay that “someone” said to me…“no, you can't stay…it is not your time”. I argued that I didn't want to go back but the voice said in a commanding yet loving tone….”no…it is not your time“. I remember being upset and starting to resist and the spirit repeated “no…you can't stay” and the light swooshing sound and light took me right back to the ER and almost as if in unison the voice on the spirit side said “no, it is not your time” the person working on me in ER, when I woke up after leaving the spirit world, was saying the same words at the same time, “No, it is not your time”. I heard the same words in two worlds at the same time. Leaving the spirit world and entering the physical world, the voices were saying that to me. That is the last thing that I remember before waking up a few hours later and looking over the side of the bed in ER and looking into he face of my best friend Carroll. (she is the emergency contact in my phone and had been called). When I woke up and looked at Carroll, I said “what are you doing here?” and she smiled and said that they had called her. My next sentence was…“Carroll, there is life after death. There is another side, I was there.” Then I slipped back into sleep. Later when I woke up again, I told her that again and I told her that I didn't want to come back. Weeks later, we have talked about that incident several times. Us talking about that has led us looking on the internet about NDE. This is how I found this web site. My feelings about this experience have been positive. I believe that I was not supposed to die. The spirits indicated that I had more things to do and they were counting on me to do them. What… I don't know. I keep asking for direction. If I am supposed to live, then what is the mission that I am supposed to accomplish. In difficult times after the attempt, I keep asking for signs, for direction. I have run a large social network for singles to meet for friendships, dating and charity. Many people are friends today because of the people that attend my events. Some are couples, some are friends and some are marriages. While having all these people in my life and around my life, I have been so lonely and apart from everyone. Everything that I do is scrutinized and if I blow my nose, everyone in the community knows it. I almost have a celebrity like status. I meet a lot of people and make a lot of social friends and help others make friends but I am probably one of the loneliest people there are in the group. I can't truly befriend many of the people that come to my events for many reasons. Business, personal and just not physically possible. My dear closest friends are friends that I made through my events some time ago when it was small. Carroll is one of those friends. I feel that the message that it was not my time, is that I am supposed to do something special…truly special for people. I just don't know what that is. Is it through the social group? What?? I wish that I knew. I know that a lot of people look to me for direction. Many people follow me and watch me. I have always been a leader. I feel that the message was that I am supposed to do something great. First I have to get through the pain that I am in and then figure out what I am supposed to do. Over the last month, since the suicide attempt, I have spent a lot of time thinking about after life and how I am supposed to live the rest of my life and accomplish what I am supposed to do. I know that this message was very strong and I “FEEL” that something great is going to happen. I just don't know what. I know that the feelings that I had when I was on the other side is where I want to be when I leave this world. I have to do the work here before I can go back to where I want to call home. I have probably another 25 years to figure that out. I know that this experience is going to make a huge difference in how I live the remainder of my life. NOW I know that there is no death after this life. I want desperately to go back to the other world. I just know that I can't go until it is my time. I was training a horse and took a fall while jumping a creek and only remember falling but not landing. I woke in darkness and saw about 15 feet away from me a circle of beautiful light with 7 figures that I could not make out. They seemed to know me and did not talk to me but only to each other and without words. The one in the middle made the final decision that I was to go back and not come into there or enter the light. I consciously wanted to go there and begged with my mind to please take me. The light was glorious! I fought coming back and as I did so it was with lightening bolt crashes of painful light and I fought it and then it would go all black and then the lightening bolt of a little reality bit by bit over and over. It was PAINFUL coming back and I fought it the whole time to no avail. I saw the trees down the lane from birds-eye view and then quickly back into the spot where I laid. The people were pounding on my chest and breathing in my mouth and a lady was screaming to call an ambulance. NO ON wanted to hear about my experience and still today people don't. They think I'm crazy to tell such a story!!! Oh well! At the time of my experience I was a 4th year student at Picardo Palma University. One morning my mother came up to my room to see me because I hadn't come down for breakfast and I had to go to the university. She found me with a fever. I told her I felt ill. She gave me a pill to lower the fever, but it didn't go down. I had the fever for 2 days and nothing helped me feel better. They decided to call the doctor. He came and examined me and said I possibly had pneumonia. He gave me an injection but the fever stayed with me all night and got up to 102.2 degrees. That night my parents heard the dishes crash in the kitchen of our house and heard something walking around in my bedroom but I didn't make a sound or hear anything. Well, they took me to the emergency room of the police hospital where they gave me blood tests. The doctors came but could find nothing. They didn't know what was wrong with me. The fever went up to 104 degrees and I began to lose weight very rapidly. I lost my appetite and they moved me to the neurology department where a wonderful doctor took care of me. He told me jokes. But I continued to lose weight. When the illness began I weighed 171 pounds but I was now down to about 77 pounds. I began losing strength and my family and friends couldn't understand anything I said. They said I just made unintelligible sounds. I became bitter because they couldn't understand me and they gave me a pencil and paper to communicate with them. I lost so much strength that I couldn't hold the pencil. I couldn't eat by myself, either, or get myself to the bathroom. I was practically an invalid. I could only move my eyes. My father worked a great distance from the capital, in the district of Moquegua, the port of Ilo, to be precise. He worked at the hospital of the American company that mined copper in Toquepala. They called him and told him I was getting worse by the day and the fever wouldn't go down from over 104 degrees. They put me in a room to die and that day I had a very strange experience. The medical supply room was about 65 feet from my room so I don't know how I heard my father's voice as he talked with a doctor. It seemed as if they were conversing in my ear very clearly. My father began crying and asked the doctor, “Why is this happening to my son since he is at the start of his life and has his whole life before him? I would prefer to die rather than my son. I have lived a long time.” Tears came to my eyes. I wanted to be by his side and tell him I loved him. I felt very sick but at the same time I felt great love for my father. A little while later my father came into the room with a big smile. He hugged and kissed me and asked how I was doing. He said, “I know you are going to get better.” He didn't know I had heard the whole conversation with the doctor. I didn't want to cry and cause him pain but the tears got the better of me. The next day they called a priest to come give me the last rites. I groaned and wanted him to go away. It seems they understood my feelings and told him to leave. I didn't want to go to sleep because I knew if I closed my eyes I would die. In the afternoon I tried to close my eyes and I seemed to fall into an infinite abyss. I opened my eyes and the nurse was at my side. I had urinated on myself without realizing it. This day, as a last resort, they took a spinal tap. The doctor didn't know how to insert the needle well and caused me a lot of pain and my face and hands twisted up. They called the neurologist but my father came in and smoothed out my face and hands and I was OK. They tested me by sticking needles in the soles of my feet. I reacted well. They called another neurologist to tap and I became tense ecause of the trauma of the first attempt. I withstood the pain. There wasn't much that time. It was about 9 o'clock at night. I'm not really sure. There was a crucifix on the wall in front of my bed. I prepared to meet God and told him I couldn't take any more. My family members told me that during the last week my eyes went blank as I looked upward. I couldn't take any more and closed my eyes. I suddenly felt absorbed into a dark tunnel that carried me upward. Below me there was what appeared to be a flaming cloth but I was traveling at high velocity. The strange thing is I didn't collide with the walls. Suddenly I saw a light that grew brighter and brighter as I slowed down and I got nearer. I closed my eyes but could see the light as well as when they were open. At first I resisted the light out of fear and dread but gave myself over to its power. It was as if a thousand atomic bombs exploded in front of you. Suddenly I sensed I entered into the brightest part of a sun, then into the least bright where I gave myself over and became part of an infinite whole. I then felt transported to a world of light and I felt I was being carried in God's arms. The great light asked me how I felt and I said I felt fine. All this dialog was communicated in thoughts. My surroundings were warm and inviting like being in my mother's womb. He told me to stay but I said “no.” He then carried me to a paradise, a beautiful forest full of phosphorescent colors, yellow-blue waves. The colors were alive. I was a few feet in the air. I no longer had a body. I was pure vision. Suddenly, something like a butterfly came toward me. It wasn't a butterfly, it was a large angel. I don't know what gender it was. It was beautiful. It had large wings. It carried me into paradise for recreation. It also took me to a clear, transparent river. The truth is I didn't believe in angels at the time. Now I do. Then I appeared once again with the great light and I could barely see some old men with beards observing me from on high. I told God I wanted to go back to take care of some things. He then took me to a kind of giant screen and my life started regressing back to my childhood and I was aware of some faults I had. I felt like an embarrassed child full of remorse. I believe those who have serious faults must feel like they are burning. That must be hell. I don't believe in a hell that burns people because God is love and He can't burn anybody. It is the conscience of each person that makes one feel whatever they deserve. Suddenly I opened my eyes and I was in my hospital bed. I had the urge to pee. I pulled out the needles in my arms, the tube in my nose, and felt that my strength had returned. I tried to stand up little by little. I felt electricity in my legs. I grabbed onto the wall and left the room. Everybody in the adjoining beds were shocked and called the doctors and nurses. I wouldn't let anybody grab me. I got to the bathroom and peed, all on my own. On the way back I let them help support me. The next day I ate gelatin without help. The doctors were amazed at my recovery. Three days later I was almost normal except I had many dizzy spells. The diagnosis was that I had meningitis. I was unable to stand on one foot, and I was unable to pass some tests like grabbing the tip of my nose and others. After 7 days they discharged me. I told some people about my experience and they said I was crazy. My own doctor had me get psychiatric help because I said that I spoke with God. After the experience I would leave my body at night when I would go to sleep. I couldn't get back and it was terrible. It was a nightmare for me. But over time and by researching what had appened to me, I began meditating and started having many experiences outside the norm. It would take a long time to relate everything. Please forgive me for all the typos. I'm writing as rapidly as I can because others are waiting for the computer. Thank you very much. If this helps anyone I will be happy and satisfied. Daniel 12/27/04, approx. 12:15 AM, was brought to hospital by ambulance having severe chest pain, vomiting, numbness of right arm, etc. Wheeled into emergency room and Dr. knew right away what was going on, hooked up to all the monitors and Dr. was speaking to Wife in hallway when, from my point of view, room began to spin and collapse into funnel shape. I mentioned this to Dr. and wife and then the lights went out in my head that is. From here this is my Missus account as to what went on as I was gone. I began to fall off gurney as I was sitting up at the time. Dr. ran in and caught me before hitting the ground, threw me back on bed, laying me flat and began CPR, all the while yelling “Code Red”. My Wife was looking at the monitors and she tells me everything was flat line for quite some time as it took a bit for the hospital staff to even respond to the Code as we were in a room kind of out of the way and around a few corners so the Dr. voice didn't carry out to the nurse station very well. I'll also say we were in the middle of a good sized snowstorm at the time so wind noise was a factor as well. Once emergency room staff got into the room, they zapped me a couple times before I came back and got things going as they should. From my point of view, once the room started to spin, it was collapsing in a funnel shape and spinning faster and faster as it collasped, kind of like sucking everything into itself. Then I was in a field of dandelions in full bloom with the Grand Tetons in the background. I remember walking through the field looking up at the Teton range thinking to myself, “What a strange view this is” as I've been to the Tetons a number of times and there isn't any field that even looks close to that for many a mile… I had also noticed all the pain in my body had gone and my vision and become very sharp and clear, but also I couldn't see much out of the sides of my eyes, some type of tunnel vision going on…. Then I guess they were zapping me and I remember my wonderful vision in front of me being destroyed and the vision was being stretched out of shape and focus, like stretching a rubber band around your finger to shoot. that kept getting more out of focus and then I remember opening my eyes with a whole crew of people hovering over me and a nurse calling my name. I went to try and sit up but they all pushed me back down and told me to be cool, lay still. I then saw my Wife and asked what had happened, they let her come over and she told me and I said no way, to which she had the Dr. come over and he told me the exact same, to which a few of the nurses said the same. At that point, I had to believe them and one thing I'll remember forever is the Dr. asking me if I saw the white light, to which I said no but conveyed to him this story and he tells my wife and I that I was there, meaning the other side. I was admitted on August 10th 2001 for surgery. (Hysterectomy) The next day, I experienced severe abdominal pains. The Gynecologist called the help in of a Surgeon on Sunday 12August. I was sent for various scans/x-rays. By 13th of August I was extremely weak, could hardly even breath. My stomach was so swollen, I felt like it could burst. (I wished for it to happen, as I could not stand the pain any longer) The Tuesday around lunch time, my mom was visiting me in the hospital room. I saw my uncle's face, as if in a dream, but yet awake. Told her he had an orange glow around his face, and looked so good. The next moment, I saw myself drifting out the hospital, over valleys, (could clearly see the Aloes beneath) then over the beach, the sea and the next moment I was on top of the clouds. The sky was beautiful clear. The clouds formed a white floor, (same as what you sometimes, on a clear day experience, when you are flying 20 - 30 000 feet high) Then I saw a sun ray, which looked similar to a spotlight moving from far over the clouds in a circular motion closer to me. I tried to touch it as it got closer to me, but it pulled away. In the right-hand corner of my scope of view, I was aware of two shadows. (Similar to when you are in a movie house, and you see the black silhouettes of the heads of the people sitting in front) I was not scared of them, but they did make me feel uncomfortable. I asked God to please protect me from them. I saw the sunray, and wanted to dive into it. I heard something similar to a choir of female voices, telling me/ singing to me, that it is not my time yet. I did not want to listen to them. The sunray came passed me again, and I dove underneath it…. There are absolutely no words in ANY language that can describe the utter sense of peace/joy/contentment/happiness which I had experienced. I remember thinking, how could I not have realized how heavy my body was on earth? ..remember comparing my body's weight to a 5ton elephant! ..how light I felt! How fast I could move! I could think of myself/see myself as a ball of energy & moving so fast! The feeling of peace, could be at best, described as follows: Try and think of THE MOST relaxed & calm state in which you have EVER been! I compare it to being totally alone, with my ears submerged under the water in a bath. There is no sound….you're completely relaxed…. well this comparison to that of the peaceful experience I encountered could be compared to still sticking your head in a bee hive! I asked God, that if it was truly not my time yet, to please tell me what my purpose on earth was.. then I woke up in my hospital bed… for something that felt like hours, my mom told me I was just “gone” for about two minutes! I woke up smiling telling her, I know what my purpose on earth was! To find joy and spread joy! Sound so simple…. A short while later they pushed me back to theater.. (my intestine got perforated, during the initial hysterectomy and the leak caused my body to slowly being poisoned) Psalm 23 repeated in my mind over and over… Approx. 2 months later…. Although I knew my purpose on earth now, I could not imagine that it was so simple.. In any how, I was a kind of happy/joyful person, so what? Then my husband, who have NEVER in his life, attended any Christian courses etc. decided one Monday night, to join a friend of ours, (whom we have not seen in close to over a year) on a disciples course. He attended this on the Thursday and came home telling me about the part in the new testament, where the rich man, who had everything, asked Jesus what he could do to inherit eternal life.. Jesus told him give up everything you had, and the man could not do that. somewhere in between all of this, my husband uttered the following words. And God said, find Joy in me, and spread it! I was stunned! This was God speaking to me so directly! I knew the joy I thought I had to spread, was not the same I had in mind! I was shocked.. scared as I knew this meant, I had to basically stop my life I was currently leading.. move back in to my “Father's house” and have HIM in the centre of my life.. Today, 4 years later, I am FAR from where I would like to be/should be.. still living a “normal” life, still getting drawn into the everyday life issues.. but every now and again, I realize, that I have to pull out.. not to become to part of the daily life issues.. and remember … God is out there! At first, it seemed like I had risen upward from myself lying on the floor of my bathroom and moving across this beautiful valley filled with green grass and flowers all over. It was like I was flying, like I don't know. Maybe like superman did. I felt like something was behind me. I was not sure if what was behind me was good or bad. I know I was very much at ease. Towards the end of it all I felt like there was something following me and it made me feel like I was being led to some other place or direction. Then, I was all of a sudden being pulled backwards at an amazingly fast pace. The field I was flying over was just a green blur. Then there was a really bright flash of light and then I was being shook. I was back in my house on the floor of my dining room with paramedics everywhere and my wife on the couch with her head on her knees crying. She looked up and then ran over to me. For precautionary measures and to ensure no internal injuries, I admitted myself into the ER after a car accident I was able to walk away from. Did not want to take ambulance because I felt fine immediately after the accident. However, 30 min or so later, I developed a headache and other minor aches and pains post accident. A Double city bus hit my car at fast speed. At the hospital, I was given a neck brace and told to wait until an available nurse was able to help me. The doctors and nurses wanted to take x-rays to insure no neck or spinal injuries and brought me to radiology. A series of x-rays were being performed when all of the sudden I didn't feel well. I told the radiologist I felt faint. He told me to hang on, and that there was only 1 more xray he needed to complete. At that moment, I was in a space or entity filled with Golden light. It was peaceful. It surrounded me. I was in it. Although I did not have a body form, I was floating and moving forward and backwards and all around. Everything and Nothing was in this space which seemed magnified. I felt like I had been there before so I was not afraid at first. As I floated, I looked around and said to myself “WHERE AM I?” and “WHY AM I HERE?”( even though I had felt I had been there before) ” SO THIS IS IT?“ (Referring to knowing that I had died and entered this place)…. Since I did not hear or see anyone, I felt alone and then became a bit afraid. I then said “I GUESS THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE.” (Referring to accepting the fact I was alone in this light and had just died.) At that moment, I felt a presence behind my right shoulder. Frightened and yet ecstatic, I had a great desire to see who or what it was. I said “Jesus?” and as I was turning to my right to see WHO or WHAT was behind me, it was then that I was instantly back in the ER hospital. Hooked up to IV's and monitors. Not knowing exactly what happened to me. The doctors later told me my heart stopped. They could not get a pulse for close to a minute. (from the time the radiologist tried awake me to the time the doctors were called in to do resuscitation.) I am not afraid to die. I had a caesarean section with my second child. Something went wrong three months after the surgery and I had a massive uterine hemorrhage which in the end required that I receive more than 100 units of blood and fluid. I know now that essentially my uterus ruptured and fell apart. The incident was so serious that for days after my survival nurses and doctors were stopping by regularly and frequently just to see the “miracle lady”, as they called me. I was not aware of the seriousness of the nature of my illness until several days after surviving it when I learned that I had not been expected to survive the hemorrhage much less the surgery to treat it and I learned that I had gone into respiratory failure during the surgery. To this day I do not know whether I also went into cardiac arrest though I now suspect that I did because when I awoke from surgery there was a direct line into my heart for feeding medication directly to the heart muscle and having gained medical knowledge since then, realize that the most common reason for direct lines to the heart muscle is cardiac failure. I actually did not understand what had happened to me during what I now know as a near death experience (NDE) until years later when I saw a similar incident described on unsolved mysteries. At some point during my surgery, and before the actual cutting began, something happened to me physically on the operating table and I felt a strong pull upward and the next thing I knew I was in a tunnel and it was somewhat dark in the tunnel, but there was a brilliant light at the end of the tunnel, which provided light all the way down to where I was in the tunnel. The tunnel slanted upward toward where the light was coming from. The tunnel was made of brown bricks, about the size of regular house bricks. I got the impression of wetness or shininess on the bricks in the tunnel but when I touched the bricks, which I did as I was advancing upwards in the tunnel, they were not wet. I remember as I was moving through the tunnel I looked up toward the light and I saw the outlines of several people, probably six or seven people, standing in the light. I recognized one of them as my grandfather, who had died the year before. There was one person who was a child of about seven and female. Looking back on the NDE I began to believe that she was my deceased sister who died before I was born, but during the NDE I did not know who she was beyond that I knew she was related to who I was here on earth just as I knew that the others there in the light were related to me somehow. After that, I looked back toward the end of the tunnel I had come up from and I saw the operating suite. I saw myself on the table and two physicians working on me. I do not recall whether I saw that there were other medical personnel in the room. Until the time that I looked back and saw myself on the table I felt complete peace and relief while I was in the tunnel. When I looked back, I remembered my two children who were 4 years and 3 months old and I remember thinking that if I died they would be raised by their father and that they would never hear about God and that being raised by their father would be a bad thing for them. I knew that they would be abused by their father if he raised them alone. At that point, I remember hearing a voice telling me that I could choose to go back or to go into the light. I remember feeling anguish at having to make that choice. When all of this happened I was about half way up the tunnel. I backed up against the tunnel wall and slid down the wall to a crouching position and I remember deciding the kids needed me. I felt the same sucking or pulling sensation as I had felt before but in reverse. The next thing I knew, I was in my body and I could hear the doctors talking, though I don't know what they said. I remember feeling them cut me across my lower abdomen from right to left and then I do not remember anything else until waking up on the respirator. I had a tubule pregnancy that ruptured. I remember in the e.r. the nurse not wanting to “take a crashing patient” up to surgery by her self. I remember seeing my blood pressure drop on the monitor. I came to up in the surgery room right before surgery. I was scared and crying. I told the doctor that I was afraid I wouldn't wake up. He said “you are very very sick and need to go to sleep so I can help you. I went to sleep but lost a lost of blood. I remember feeling like I was laying down but I felt nothing under me. It was dark around me but I wasn't scared. I felt peace. no memories of worldly pains emotionally or physically. There was like a door to the right side of my legs. Just beyond it there was a male being. I didn't see him but I felt him and heard him. Not The way we hear though. I still heard him and I knew it was male because the voice was deep. He told me I had a choice to stay or go. All of a sudden I felt this urgency. I said no! Robert needs me! I then felt like I jerked back into my body. When I came to one of the nurses came to me and asked me who Robert was. I told her he was my boyfriend. I asked her why. She got a funny look on her face and told me she and the doters were very concerned about me because I was very very sick, and suddenly out of the blue I yelled at the top of my lungs “No Robert needs me!” She said it startled them. I recovered from this surgery very quickly. My doctor was amazed at how fast I healed. It was about 10 years old I had the first NDE. I was sleeping and felt go into another world, I like to call it as “Second Origin Space”. It was a very black darkness (It contrast strongly with the castle in my another NDE). I think the appropriate words to describe it as the “windmill” and “black hole” visual effect atmosphere in the software “windows Media Player”. There were extreme disordered noise, images and feeling. I only say it was chaos. Then I shouted loudly: “Let me go! Let me go!!” (After the event my mother told me.) It was fearfully terror. My parents were impressed by my emotion and were scared. I am sure it was a neardeath experience. At that moment I had a dyspnea and nearly was asphyxiated to death. I had similar situation in subsequent years. When I was 20 years old I had a dyspnea again. I saw a very bright light and reviewed my life from beginning to end all at once. Time as I had known it came to a halt. Everything was uttermost beautiful, profound. They were beyond description. Sometimes I could not move when I was in the ecstasy and found some strange things, for example, I found the things that were not in my room or still things were alive, I had acousma and heteroptics in daytime, I fly very fast to sky from the earth by an aircraft and I felt really the wind. The still things communicated with me and we didn't use any language. I found that we had common ground. The inner of us are chemical material. We all have souls and white light— very bright light, very beautiful. I felt very lost when I woke up. It seemed as if somebody had a lot of money in his dream and he found he had two empty hands when he woke up. Here I emphasize that the different between these feelings with dreams is the sense of reality. Unlike the dim sense in a dream I had a strong sense of reality. I saw a big, brilliant, golden and colorful castle as if it was in a fable. How beautiful is it. Everybody should to felt this experience so that there is few fight in this world. These experiences are really beyond description. It seems like that somebody fall in love and don't know how to express the sweet sense. Before that time I didn't know that people could experience the great sense. After that time I know many things easily as if I have a doctor degree and study in primary school. I am sorry I can't express the meanings well. Give Thanks to the LORD who richly blessed me. After that time I often repent and think God's favor. Death isn't fearful. The anxieties about future uncertainties are fearful in fact. People should prepare for the death. A famous proverb says,” The meanings of life are what we have done and experienced.” Love and knowing the truth are the most important. God is light. God is love. PART 1 THE DEATH EXPERIENCE A HIGHER GOOD (Also Book Review by Dave Woods) Part 1, Chapter 1 DEATH COMES EASY Dying sometimes is hard, but death comes easy. My buddy, Ron, and I hitch-hiked to another small berg about eight miles from our hometown so that we could posture like adults at a bar known to serve minors. I was 15-years old. At about 1 a.m. we arranged a ride home with a young man from our town named Richard. Drinking recently had become legal for Richard, and he was exercising his rights to the fullest extent. I sat in the front passenger seat. Ron was in the back with Richard’s friend, whose name eludes me. Instead of taking the highway, where police might notice weaving, Richard traveled the back roads, speeding down a straight and flat blacktop. Fence posts became a blur as the car reached 90 miles per hour. Richard’s car was fairly fast for the late ‘50's, but it was old and loose, and at that speed the road noise drowned out our conversation and most of the radio. We all fell silent, and my head began nodding. I’m not sure if Richard fell asleep, too, but he didn’t see the T-road and never touched the brakes. I blinked and noticed it just as we hit the ditch embankment. This jolt took out a barbedwire fence as we hurtled through the air. The impact of the ditch slammed my head against the windshield. This knocked me silly, but not out. My head was buzzing as the car rambled and bucked across 50 yards of pasture. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. We probably crossed that distance in a couple of seconds, but it seemed like many. I glanced at Richard, who was slumped over the steering wheel just as we crashed. The car probably still was going 50- or 60-miles per hour as we slammed into an old and immovable hedge apple tree. In relatively slow motion, my whole body jerked forward, steadily gaining momentum as I approached the windshield. I remember my head tilting as my face met and smashed against the glass. There was no pain–just pressure. Then I blacked out. Upon impact, my head slid up the windshield and behind the metal brace that held the rear-view mirror. Ron later told me that when he and Richard came too, they saw me hanging there, soaked in blood. Richard wanted to pull me loose, but Ron stopped him for fear they would sever my head in the process. They looked at me and thought I was dead already. Both their injuries turned out to be quite serious, but they trudged off on foot to find the nearest farmhouse, leaving me hanging in the front and Richard’s friend unconscious in the back seat. When they returned with help, Richard’s friend and I were gone. In the interim, this young man, probably confused and scarred, woke up and pulled me from the wreckage. I don’t remember being pulled free, but I do recall pieces of our journey. Like a fuzzy dream, I heard the car’s horn blowing steadily as we walked away. I remember stumbling down railroad tracks and wanting to lie down and go to sleep, but this man kept insisting that I keep going. I think I did lie down, or pass out, and he must have carried me. Still like a fuzzy dream, the next thing I recall was laying prone on the ground. Lights were flashing and people were standing over me in a circle. One of them said: “This one looks pretty bad. We better get him to the hospital quick.” I thought it was raining, but was told it did not rain that night, so I must have been totally soaked in blood. I sank back into unconsciousness. Suddenly I was totally alert–more alert than I had been in my life–more alert than life. I was totally free of worry and doubts and bothersome physical sensations and limitations. I was floating near the high ceiling of a room in the Breeze Community Hospital. At the time, this seemed perfectly natural and normal. There are those who think of death as a long sleep or rest. Sleep is only necessary for the living. The dead are so energized by the overwhelming, self-perpetuating, and unlimited Force that sleep is not never needed. I recognized Dr. Ketter in the room. He and two nurses worked feverishly on someone. Blood and fluid were flowing into one of his arms, and another jar of blood was flowing into the other. One nurse was doing chest compressions. The other firmly held his chin in one hand and pressed her other hand against the side of his neck to slow the bleeding. Dr. Ketter was stitching wounds with a dexterity and speed that was admirable. It was then I realized they were working on my body. I had to look closely to be sure. A lifeless body without a soul has little distinctiveness. In fact, most of the distinctions we notice in the faces and body shapes of our fellow men are largely exaggerations of our minds. They are the ego’s habit of isolating us from our fellows and of judging others based upon appearances. When we die and realize a universal connection to all mankind through the same life force, these distinctive features blend and blur into a general shape and look of man. I realized then that I was dead, and that actually pleased me. I also gratefully knew that what the doctor and nurses were doing wasn’t working. The last thing I wanted to do was go back. The body lying there meant nothing. It was just a lump of meat. The physical body is just a tool, and I could discard it with the same passion I would have for a broken hammer. “Let the dead bury the dead,” He had said. And I remember thinking that a lot of prime ground and tons of money are wasted on funerals. Better to donate your organs to the living or your whole body to science. Throughout my 15 years I had been in superb physical condition, but never had I felt this wonderful. There is no experience, or chemically induced state, on Earth with which to draw a parallel. The best I can come up with is this: On the best day of your life, you are in excruciating pain in comparison to this “out-of-body” state. I felt a supreme sense of peace and an absolute lack of fear. I was basking in the glow of complete and absolute security. Simplicity and purity ran through me like osmosis. Everything evil, fearful, or confusing remained behind in that lump of meat. My true identity was intact, and I felt wonderfully humble and pure and loving. Being dead blesses us with the absence of all sensory information. We are left with our true thoughts and emotions–our true conscience–without the overwhelming influence of the ego’s beguiling survival instincts. All human sensory stimuli, on the other hand, is confusing clutter. Ironically, the very things that make living real (our sensory perceptions) are the very things that make living hell. The Buddha was right: life is about suffering. While alive we are captors, chained by the pains and pleasures of our neurons. As long as we pursue sensory pleasure, we must endure pain. Spiritual peace, on the other hand, is the ultimate bliss that floats in the absence of sensory perceptions, ignoring the confusion of “good” and “evil.” The way I just described it may sound like non-existence to some, but it is the only true existence of grand and unspeakable peace, security, and understanding. The ego’s perception of the world is a collectively reinforced illusion. To be without want or desire is not non-existence. It’s a state in which all our wants and desires are fulfilled. As I hovered, I felt a wonderful force beckoning from above. I was going home. All I had to do was will it and follow the force, or, rather, let it draw me up. I thought about my brothers, my sister, my mother, and my father. I knew there pain, their problems, their confusion. I knew the simple solutions for each. But I also knew they would have to find their own way. Happiness is empty if someone simply hands it to you or leads you to it blindly. So, I turned my attention and my will toward the force and started to rise. The ceiling dissolved, and there was a quick sound, like a large vacuum release, and instantly I was in another dimension. Though I traveled into a brilliant light, I did not journey through any tunnel. The trip was like a blink. I met no one along the way. I knew the way well. HIGHER GOOD Part 1, Chapter 2 THE HEAVENLY PLAINS What I’ll call the “Heavenly Plains” was full of loving peace. An infinite expanse of glorious light enveloped and permeated everything. This light was evenly distributed and seemed to undulate gently with a force field. Directly in front of me, but slightly below, stood a group of spirits: less than 100, but more than 50. Each spirit had an identity of sorts, but they were part of each other–a single entity, a single awareness, all part of a single force. In the center of the front row were three oriental women. I realized that all of the spirits comprising the entity were my past lives, and that the oriental women were my most recent lives. Their faces were clearly humanoid, but from their shoulders down, their forms blurred gradually. Their arms and legs dissolved near their ends. Hovering on the same level, in rows, they seemed loosely joined at the shoulders. Their identities were of both sexes and all nationalities. None were deceased relatives, and I recognized none of them from my recent life. Each of the spirits had lived once, but the truth and experience and wisdom of each lifetime was integral to the entire group. When each soul returned, their lives were absorbed by all, so there where no distinctions between thoughts and attitudes within the group. Each of them shared completely every experience and every knowledge of every lifetime into a single conscience. Like spices and other ingredients added to a Mulligan Stew, each added to the mix, but the resulting flavor was one. I was them, and they were me. There were all of my past, and they were my present. They communicated with me as one, not with words, but by a kind of telepathy. Every thought, whether it was one simple emotion or volumes of information, came packaged with instant and complete understanding. No message could suffer misinterpretation, the problems of syntax, or the variance of intelligence. Words are primitive, unreliable, used more to deceive others and ourselves than to communicate truth. Language may be evidence of our superior intelligence on Earth, but on the Plains they are equivalent to grunts and squeals. We created words to label, distinguish, and separate everything. That’s why we think of everything and everyone as separate. Words form the thoughts and communications of the world, but they are totally inadequate to describe or explain the emotional communication of the spirit world. On the Plains only truth exists, but they are expressed not so much as concepts, but as emotions. Even the eternal truths are not known in a literal sense–they are felt in an emotional sense. This, I believe, is what is meant by “the unspeakable Tao” in ancient Eastern texts. On Earth, we not only communicate in words–we think in words–and although we may be able to give lip service to the concepts of “oneness,” “wholeness,” and “the unity of all that is,” we do so with incompatible words designed for separatism. It’s like trying to see the bottom of a lake through turbid water. The solid reality of these hypothetical concepts can not be fully appreciated by a mind trained in the way of word. The languages we have developed to create our separated, finite reality is the reason for our inherent loneliness, for in it we are emotionally and intellectually separated for a short time from other spiritual entity and the universal connection of Supreme Love. This separatism makes us fearful and judgmental. It leavens the entire culture and morality of the world. Because we place ultimate faith in our sensory reality, the capabilities of our own intelligence, and the sciences we create with it, we are doomed to live the reality of the life we create while on Earth. Because we believe it so strongly–it is our reality. We have, indeed, tasted of the proverbial Tree of Knowledge and have been cast from the emotional Garden of Eden. On the plains, everything is infinite. knowledge of this and your place in the eternal moment provides infallible security. It is a place of infinite being and infinite joy. On the particular Plain I visited, there was no need for rest. Nor was food or water or anything solid of Earth needed. Every need, want, and desire was supplied by the all powerful force of Love. This Love was so powerful, so extremely fulfilling–everything else was immaterial. This all-mighty power of Love goes well beyond our egotistical interpretations of the emotion. It is the very force of life and all creation. It is not neutral, but equal to all–the good and the bad– because everyone who still must endure Earth is a blend of the good and the bad. Only we make the distinctions of degrees. The ultimate spirit is an impartial force of universal and unconditional Love–A Higher Good. This supreme Love flooded me from the entity as a whole, and I felt the same for them. This giving and receiving of truly unconditional love was indescribable. Nothing on Earth can compare. It is truth wrapped in total dependability. Not only did I feel this tremendous force of Love from my entity, but from all entities throughout the Plains. There are many entities and many levels, but they are all connected by the same force field of Supreme Love–which also is the basic substance of the universe. The ultimate achievement of science is not to insure immortality by discovering and mastering the basic laws of universal nature–its destination is to prove the existence of God and to insure the knowledge that immortality is ours in another realm of existence. Instead of restricting the mysteries of love to psychological or philosophical studies, science will someday discover the all-powerful force of love and measure it as they now do electricity, gravity and geo-thermal forces. When science discovers the forces of love and learns how to release it from the bars of the ego, they will have the answer to every question and ill that has plagued mankind. The love we feel on Earth is limited. We delve it out piecemeal to a few, with conditions. But on the Heavenly Plains, love is boundless. Male and female identities are equal because the human sex drive does not exist to complicate emotions. On the Plains we love our neighbor as ourselves, because our neighbor is ourselves. Every spirit everywhere, Heaven and Earth, is equally deserving of our love. I was made to understand all of this in one flash of communication, in one emotion, from this entity, and I realized that my mother and father and siblings were no more important than the most distant spirit on the Plains, but neither were they less important. True universal love can’t have favorites. I remained just outside and slightly above the entity for a while, exchanging love. They had me to understand that they were waiting for me, and that I was returning to mentor them. They beckoned me to join them and share my experiences for the benefit and advancement of the entire entity. The sole purpose of life is spiritual growth, and that, put simply, is the process of learning the wisdom and power of universal, unconditional love. All of the dogma of various religions just get in the way by infusing a judgmental and egotistical brand of separatism that satisfies man’s archaic and barbaric disposition. In the end, the only things that matter is the people we help nd the people we hurt. This revelation is not fully understood until we return to the Plains and examine it under the light of absolute truth. My entity stretched their handless arms out to me, and I started toward them, again floating through space simply by willing it. I would have entered them through the oriental women, but, just as I started, I felt the force of God beckon me. The entity felt it, too, and dropped their arms. Instead of being disappointed, they were extremely excited and pleased that I was going to Council. I turned to the left, willed it, and I was there instantly. A HIGHER GOOD Part 1, Chapter 3 THE COUNCIL OF LOVE It is the center of everything seen and unseen. An unimaginable force radiates as a brilliant light in all directions from a trinity of spirits. This light is infinitely more brilliant than the sun, yet it did not hurt to look at it. The color defies a specific description, but a combination of white and silver comes close. The three spirits were like my entity: separate, but somehow connected. They were one and communicated as one. They were of the same general forms as my entity, too, but they were without distinguishing facial features. The center spirit hovered slightly above those on each side. Their first telepathic communication (I now realize) was the most important. I came to understand that this trinity is not God, exactly. They are more like the Godhead. They are the omnipresent embodiment of the Impartial Force. The Force they mastered is not a composite, but a self-sustaining whole. It is the “first cause.” It knows no good or evil. It is neutral. Though tangible and pervasive, the Ultimate Force is not a being, but a principle. This is the spirit or principle that Sufi Muslims refer to as “Beyond the Beyond” or “Beyond Allah.” It is perfect love– unconditional and universal. To describe it is difficult, because to describe it is to give it structure and anything structured can not be unbounded or infinite. So we err every time we try to define God within the parameters of our structured minds, using structured words and structured thoughts to imagine structured beings. Only the Trinity fully understand the Force. We only can feel it. The Trinity came to understand the paradoxical powers of the Force and thereby became the intellectual manifestation of the Force. Call this trinity what you wish, but no name is appropriate, because by mastering the secrets of the Force, they lost individual identity. Only the three know who they are, or where. They are total spirit, total light, total love. This Ultimate Force remains indefinable as long as we try to describe it within the framework of our experience. But I will try. Imagine, if you will, that this formless force was vastly infinite and evenly dispersed throughout infinity. Though it is perfect, singular, and whole, for the sake of clear rhetoric, I must describe it has having three properties. It is universal, unconditional, and benevolent. Being benevolent beyond our understanding caused the force to desire other things to love, so it drew into itself with tremendous power and velocity, causing an extreme concentration of pure energy that caused an implosion whichy fused energy into molecules that we know as “matter”. In this respect, everything that exists is like a shattered piece of this Ultimate Force. The rest, as they say, is history. So, the simple answer to the grandest mystery of all is the common cliche “God is love.” This Ultimate Force of Pure Love can not belong to any spirit or entity of spirits, nor even to the Force itself. It is felt, accepted, and understood (to varying degrees) by every spirit, but the full knowledge of its exact nature is known only to the Trinity. The Trinity is the conduit of the impartial and partial application of Love. In this respect, the Trinity is God. To describe God as a Trinity or entity, however, misses the mark. “God is a spirit, and should be worshiped like a spirit.” It is the benevolent force of love in our souls and has little to do with our physical appearance. On the contrary, we have shaped God in our image and assigned Him a pronoun. This humanizing of God is the reverse of how we ascribe human characteristics to a lowly mouse and call him Mickey. We anthropomorphize God. God is neither he, she, nor it. God is That which is. But, due to the restrictions of our languages and the frame of our reference, some pronoun must be used, so I use the common “He.” The image of God in human form sitting on a throne is a false idol, of the same ilk as a golden calf. A long, white beard, and all the other physical images we create to describe God are simply reference points. Why would a being who can shape the universe with His thoughts need such simple tools as hands? The only way we can create is with our hands, so we imagine God with hands. What man is doing in all these idols is creating an image to which man can personally relate. (The more I study religions the more I suspect that the only thing man has ever really worshiped is himself.) Could it be that the confusion and strife over the nature of God is caused by syntax, translations, and interpretations? Could the phrase “His image” originally have been “His imagination?” I hovered in front of this Trinity, slightly below their level. In the presence of their supremely benevolent love, I felt no fear and was certain no harm could come to me. I was, however, overwhelmed with awe, like a child under the gaze of a perfect parent. I was given a life review. This review is the climax of our present lives. It is where we glean the maximum benefits from our earthly experiences. During the review we revisit scenes from our lives and feel the actual pain or anguish, pleasure or love that we have inflicted upon others. We become the object of our actions. Understand, however, that these experiences last only a short time, just long enough for us to get the point. The purpose of the review is not for punishment, but for spiritual growth through understanding the ramifications of our actions, thereby gaining increased compassion for others. The ultimate irony, however, is that every time we hurt someone else, we eventually hurt ourselves. We still have free will in the spirit realm, but, because total honesty prevails, our wills more closely resemble God’s will. The darkness of doubt can not invade the light of truth. We know, or sense, the simple truths, and faith becomes fact. There’s no need to intellectualize, nalyze, compare, rationalize, justify, or practice any of the fearful survival thought processes that make up our earthly existence. In the light of absolute truth, we review our own lives for enlightenment. This “final judgment” that we all have been taught to fear has nothing to do with a decision between Heaven or Hell, though it is easy to understand how this misconception has been promoted by ego-driven people who lack full knowledge of God’s love. The Trinity also gave me a viewing, like a newsreel movie, of past events and of possible and likely future events that I’ll go into later. It should be noted at this point, however, that the events of the world are not predestined by God. There is a fail-safe law of eventual good (evil is a destroyer, eventually destroys itself, and only good remains), but what happens along the way is a direct result of the choices we make as individuals and as societies. Nevertheless, just as we have a limited knowledge of cause and effect, God has supreme knowledge of cause and effect on a universal scale. Toward the end of the session, I was made to understand that I could affect the impact, maybe even the outcome, of these future events–if I returned to Earth. That was the only time during my death experience that I felt apprehension. Flatly and firmly, I refused. After seeing the Heavenly Plane, Earth was the last place I wanted to be. Besides, I knew that what they were suggesting involved great pain–much greater than what I already had experienced. Couldn’t they send someone else? They had me to understand that each spirit is important in its unique contribution to the scheme of things. They exerted no command, and I was made to understand that the choice to return belonged to me. But they counseled me further with truths I could not dispute, appealing to the enhanced compassion and love I had gained from the life review. When I felt my will beginning to comply, I resorted to the most drastic measure I could muster. I was struggling with myself, not with them, and I sank to my knees and begged them to relieve me of this task. I wanted to stay. They met this action with an overwhelming burst of love that permeated my being like a strong, warm wind, and they made me to understand that whatever I chose would not diminish their love for me. Then, I am embarrassed to report, like a little child, I threw myself down, kicking and screaming in a emotional tantrum. The Trinity only smiled upon me and filled me with another burst of love. I was calmed. My choice was made. I spent more time in their presence, exchanging the Force. They were patient with me to no end, because the whole history of the universe is but a blink of an eye in the face of eternity, and a council with God is like a time out, where no time exists. After a while, I felt renewed and strengthened and brave. So I turned to the right, willed it, and left. Instantly I was back on the plain, back in front of my entity, hovering slightly higher above them than before. I began to share with them what had happened in Council, but I realized that some of it already had been blocked. Maybe They had shared with me knowledge that either can not be retained or can not be understood, by anyone returning to Earth. Or, maybe they shared insights that I had yet to discover on my own. Such is the responsibility of free will. My entity was disappointed by my departure, but they accepted my decision without reservation. Though I was aware that much of what the Council had revealed already had been blocked, I did not realize at the time that much of the knowledge I had retained from my death experience would make little sense once I returned to Earth. I was going back with knowledge that I would not be able to decipher for many years. Worst of all, I was going back without knowledge of exactly what I was supposed to do. This caused me to hesitate, but only briefly. I had made some kind of pact with myself and with God–there was very little difference–because when we are true to the deepest urging of our soul, we are true to God. I turned my will below, and, with another large vacuum sound, I was back in the hospital room. Before I had the experience, I broke down at my desk and I remember the arrival of the emergency physician and the ambulance. Then I remember a black tube which turned into a brick tunnel, and on the walls of the tunnel there were old oil paintings which depicted scenes of my life. While I was crawling through the tunnel “on all fours”, I felt like I was being crushed by an unbearable burden. I could see a faint, but very bright light at the end of the tunnel. I was being pushed forwards by the thought that that was exactly where I had to be. The nearer I came to this light, the lighter the burden that was on me seemed to become. When I got to the light I reached into it with my right hand first, and it was pleasantly warm - in contrast to the tunnel which was cold as ice (I was sweating anyway). As I stepped through the light everything became very bright , airy and wonderfully beautiful around me, and I lost the burden that was previously threatening to crush me. I felt happy and free, as if I was lying in a fragrant meadow with a slight breeze on a warm summers day. In the next moment I was lying in my grave, I could clearly see the walls next to me. My husband and my daughter were standing above the grave and were completely devastated. I called to them that they shouldn't worry, I was fine and I would wait for them. After that my husband tossed in the rose he held in his hands, but my (at the time) 13 year old daughter refused to cast hers in, even though I repeatedly asked her to. Suddenly I was back in the tunnel and another black tunnel appeared to my right. My consciousness slowly returned, and I could hear the doctor and the nurse saying excitedly, she's coming around again. Later they explained to me where I was and what had happened and that I should write down my experiences. A skier came off a ski jump at a fast speed, screamed “watch out”, & crashed on top of me. I remember feeling incredible pain everywhere, and then, 'it stopped' just like that. My last thought was “So THIS is what it's like to die….” and I became this 'head'. Not a weighted down body, more like a light, free, thinking, silent-talking (no words spoken, but message understood), head. I went 'up' until I reached this white world. All white with a brighter white 'hole-like' opening off in the distance. From that hole, while I was 'stuck' as this 'head' just able to watch, two figures slowly came towards me. They were dressed in long white robes, including hoods that covered their identities as they held their heads downward while they walked. When they were within 10 feet of me, they both looked up to reveal themselves as my deceased uncle John (whom I LOVED!) and my grandmother behind him. I was SO EXCITED to see my Uncle John. I wanted to run to him and hug him, but I was stuck where I was, just this head peering above this cloud of white. As I was screaming silently “Uncle John! Uncle John!” (because I admit I was confused and scared and quite relieved to see a familiar face to help/explain where I was), he stopped short of me, shook his head as if to say 'no, it's not your time“. Slowly he turned with his head back down, while my grandmother followed. (I should note that they were the only deceased relatives that I personally knew at that time). Next thing I knew I felt like someone was slicing my chest open with a knife. Extremely painful taking that first breath! I was “MAD”! I remember being ANGRY that I was SO CLOSE to hugging my uncle and they people must be the reason for ruining it. The first words I heard was my husband saying “Don't make Danny feel bad saying anything because he's been crying-he thinks he killed you!:” So of course, I didn't get to share my experience or get any medical attention! They bought me a beer for my headache and left me in the lodge to sleep while they went back to skiing. Nice friends huh? Overall, yes it changed my life. I talk to people I don't know now. I love meeting people, helping people. You only live once. I enjoy my life more now and I'm NOT afraid to die and having love one's pass on is not so painful knowing they are all up there together. I was told by doctors that I was clinically dead for approximately three minutes based on brain cells that were destroyed. I have been left with seizures, narcolepsy and no short term memory. I like to say I am eternally 28 since I haven't made a new memory since. But that day, being my last real memory, will be with me forever! It was August 1968 in Viet Nam on the DaNang River; I was traveling down river returning from a mission out in the bush. The am track I was riding on hit a large unexploded 500 pound round which booby was trapped by the Viet Cong. I regained consciousness about a week later. The story here is of the week that I was unconscious. From the time that I was blown up till the time I regained conscious, the Doctors explained to me that on two different occasions that I had clinically died. The first time I died for 21 minutes, and the second time for 24 minutes. Here is what I remember of this account. I was sitting on top of the Am track and the next thing I remember is my soul is separating from my body. During the process of dying, I can hear as the doctors pronounce me dead. Then I see my double, a lifeless body, lying below me surrounded by doctors and nurses trying to revive me. This scene was quite a shock, for the first time I am looking upon myself from outside my body. It is at this point that I began to realize that all of my abilities, to see, to hear, to think, etc. continue to function, but now completely independent of my body and flesh. Finding myself floating above the people in the room, I instinctively tried to make them aware of my presence by touching or speaking, no one hears or notices me. At the same time, I am puzzled by his feelings of relief, peace and even happiness. There is no longer that part of “me,” which suffers, which needs and is always complaining about something. Having experienced such ease, the soul did not want to return to my broken and shattered body. This lasted a short time till I saw a bright light and soon after I was in a place that was extremely bright. I felt that I was joined by those who loved me, and a penetrating voice told me, I needed to change the way I was dealing with my life. The exact words do not come because I don’t remember if language was used. But the feeling of knowledge was generated into my soul. The time of this experience was not of any consequence, because it felt like time no longer existed. The second trip to the light was more instructive than the first. It had more purpose to it. This trip changed the very core of my being. From being hell bent on destruction to being creative, peaceful, and helping those who are unable. During that second NDE I reached that plane that many reach. Many people call it The Plane of All Knowing where you just suddenly know all things and all the puzzles of life unravel themselves and you understand everything and the why of things. Path into the light” ©Copyright Ira Binder, Luxembourg, Europe All Rights reserved. ndes - first part of 2006 When I was 19 years old I gave birth to my daughter Khrysta after 7 hours of excruciating labor. The doctor kept telling me not to push but I could not help it as the urge to push was too intense. After I pushed her out I heard the nurse tell the doctor that “she is bottoming out”. I didn't know then but I now know that my blood pressure was dropping quickly. I then heard the Doc say “she tore her cervix and she is hemorrhaging”. Then I heard the nurse say “she is going into shock and she is unconscious”. This is where it gets weird. I felt a complete calm come over me and I felt no pain whatsoever. I never felt myself leave my body, I was just standing at the head of my bed looking at myself and the nurse and Doc. I heard them talking about stopping the bleeding by stitching up my cervix. I felt no discomfort from being out of my body. It was very peaceful. I heard the Doc tell the nurse “try to wake her up”. I then watched her walk over and pick up a little packet off of a standing silver tray. I tried to say “I am awake, I am awake”. But my lips weren't moving. So the nurse walked up and tore the packet open and put this horrible smelling stuff under my nose. what's weird is that I smelt it before my body smelt it. All of a sudden I was back in my body slapping her hand away and telling her 'I Am Awake, I've been awake the whole time, leave me alone“ Apparently they stitched me up and the hemorrhaging had stopped and I was stable. It wasn't until the next day when the doc came into my room to see my on his rounds did I have the chance to tell him what had happened. All he said was “Sometimes that happens” Not to me it doesn't I thought. This was a remarkable thing and it has never happened tome since. I wish it would because then I would know that I am not Crazy!!!! My best friend had discussed suicide with me on several occasions. We had many arguments over this. I believed that someday he would take his life. We also discussed communicating with one another afterwards. We both knew if it was possible to do so, we could. He knew I believed in progressive reincarnation, power of prayer and my faith in “Oneness”. We made it simple. I was to ask if he was “OK” and if we communicated to never call on him again because he did not want reminders of “Living”. After his funeral, and all guests were gone, I sat on my sofa ( about 3 or 4 pm) and shut my eyes. It was very bright in my living room so I covered my eyes with the palms of my hands. I went in search of any traces, visions or anything to let me know I was on the path. At first, I saw some illusions of dark gray beings (???) and had the feeling they were trying to stop me or get in my way. Finally I said aloud to get out of my way. Instantly they would vanish only to come back. I went through that about 3 times. Then, I was seeing my hedges and yard as if I was floating and looking down at them. It seemed I was about 5 feet above ground. I seemed to hover over my yard and then my house. I was fully awake. I even laughed out loud because I knew I was on my way. The earth seemed to be a rust color. I saw large city freeway system with overpasses and all the exits and roads. I saw cars and tractor trailers. They looked like matchbox size. Traffic was moving and very busy like after work. Then I looked up and was being propelled. It was first gray then very dark. I was in a tunnel with motion. It seemed the tunnel had grooves and moving very fast around me as I was going higher. After awhile, I saw bluish white light in the very far off distance. It seemed to be one light. The closer I got to the light, I realized it was lots of lights. I was not scared and wanted to keep moving towards them. I felt very comforted. I also had the feeling of being guided. In the darkness with all the lights, I saw another single light form in the far off distance and instantly I had the feeling this was the light I was searching for. I got closer and then I stopped. I said ” Wayne “ and watched the light move slowly towards me. I said ” is that you Wayne?“ The Light seemed to open up a little (like a star) and ray of Light came out of both sides. Again, I asked if it was Wayne and told him who I was. The Light opened so bright and out the sides I knew without a doubt I was in the presence of my friend. I asked the question we had decided on. Are you ok and the Light flooded all around me. Light was all I saw and felt. I was so excited to be there I was selfish and asked again. Are you Ok? The same thing happened. LIGHT. After a couple of seconds, the Light seemed to start moving away from me. I yelled, ” Wayne, I love you! Teasingly I said “show me again” and laughed a like we did so many times with one another. All of a sudden (as his Light moved away) there were millions of lights opening up and out the sides that the universe looked like a fireworks show. I knew I had to leave him. I was so blessed to have been there. I was in THE LIGHT. My return was quick. I felt very special. I was different in some ways because of it. I felt relief for my friend because he was finally at peace. I felt lighter and happier. I was awake and never had been to sleep. It felt quick but the clock showed 40 minutes had passed. I never called on him again. One night, right after laying down, I saw those shadow looking things again. I laughed out loud and told them to go away. Just like before, they scattered. When they did, I was bathed in a million twinkling lights. It was brief. I knew Wayne had come to say goodbye to me. Martha C's NDE I was having fainting spells Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? Yes was in tachycardia the ER doctor gave me adenocard to stop my heart for 30 sec. so that it Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? arrhythmia What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? Yes Very alert. Was the experience dream like in any way? No, it seemed very real Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Yes I, my spirit, was golden light. I was still attached from my the center of my chest. My spirit appeared purple at the junction with my body. What emotions did you feel during the experience? Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? me back. I felt awe at God's love for me. The doctors in the background trying to bring LOCATION DESCRIPTION: Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures? No Did you see a light? Yes A beautiful, golden light Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? Yes I went back to the hospital later and asked the nurse that was trying to bring me back Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? was very aware of my senses before, during and after the experience Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? Yes No Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Yes My voice was 1000x improved. I sometimes have esp. Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? Yes beliefs Stronger How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices? They are more meaningful. Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes Have you shared this experience with others? Yes Some believe me, some do not. What emotions did you experience following your experience? Call me about this, my key board is giving me some trouble. Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes First Experience: My friends and I were typical teenagers looking for an 'alternative experience'. We'd heard about hyperventilating while crouching, standing up quickly while someone held your tightly around the stomach. The end result is oxygen deprivation to the brain causing light headedness or in my case, blackout. A few moments after I blacked out 'I' was in the same room but hovering around the ceiling looking down on my body lying on the floor with my friends standing next to me. The room was the same, but entirely illuminated. I felt calm with a sense of 'knowing'. I was not in a physical form but was part of the light. I was the light. I was watching my friends panic as they realized I wasn't breathing after our experiment. I was watching them gently kick me as they tried to wake me up and I felt annoyed that they were doing this to my body. I felt like yelling to them, “hey, I'm up here and I can see what you're doing”. Instead, I returned to my body to tell them 'in person' that they could stop kicking me, I was ok! The second experience was during sleep. I thought I was dreaming, but I was watching myself, watch myself sleeping. Again, the 'I' that was doing the final observation of myself, was not in human form but formed part of the atmosphere of the room. I will try to make this short and to the point. I was having a heart attack the pain was excruciating. There was a number of people working on me and the last thing I remember a doctor ripped his mask off climbed on top of me put his knees on my shoulders drew back with a syringe two inches across with a needle about six inches long and stabbed me in the chest. Then I heard that ringing noise that I've heard ever time I've been put asleep. The pain and fear went away. A bright light was before me not a tunnel or beam, just light. I was floating, moving with the light, with time to realize everything that was going on. I was completely coherent. Not drunk not drugged totally aware of my surroundings and how nice it was to be weightless. Next I realized I wasn't gasping for breath it was wonderful. No pain no fear no worries. I started felling better and better as a overwhelming felling of love consumed me. Up a head I saw a large group of People no faces no bodies as such just gray silhouettes. There was one standing alone just below me to my right with outreached hands; I was about ten feet above them. Some say I had a choice to go or not, if that's so, God cheats. It was irresistible so as I am descending to take the hand of who I think was Jesus I heard a voice from beyond. It was my Wife, saying you better think about those boys. (I have two Young sons.) All of a sudden I was snatched away from there like a mail bag being grab by a hook on a locomotive. Slammed back in my body full of pain, fear, and hate. It was roughly 12 hours since I was admitted in a hospital for injuries resulting from a auto accident. I was battered and bruised and had several deep lacerations that had been repaired. I was able to get out of bed, with the use of crutches, for a bathroom visit. My pelvis was cracked in several places so the crutches were needed to compensate. The crutches were too long and rather than adjusting them, I simply stretched my arms up to reach them. Within roughly 2 hours after returning to bed, I woke up sweating profusely. I paged the nurse, it was about 2:00am. She checked my blood pressure several times and ran from the room. I later found out my BP was roughly 40/5 and falling and the nurse (only nurse on duty at this small hospital) went to call for help. Sometime shortly after this event, I passed out/went to sleep. I have no chronology of events at this point in time, but I slowly began to very clearly see my hospital room from above. It's like I was high enough in the air to see all four corners of this small room clearly, along with it's contents, of course. This picture didn't just pop into view, it slowly became bright and clear, much like a movie will sometime do, very slowly fade from black to a bright and clear picture. Along with all contents of the room I also saw myself laying in bed. I had no concept of time, it just wasn't a factor. I watched myself a while, then took note of how funny the nurse looked from above. She was wearing one of those little hats nurses seem to all wear in the 1970's. She was again taking my blood pressure and seemed to be very concerned since she was doing it over and over. This nurse happened to be the mother of one of my uncles and had lost a nephew only a week before in a motorcycle accident. After a while I saw a male burst into my room. He slammed the door back, he appeared to be running. I recognized his face as a local doctor and friend of mine, although not my personal doctor. My personal doctor was a few paces behind him. I saw my friend the doctor pull the sheets from me exposing my bare feet. About this time I saw a nurse run in with a bag of some kind of liquid. I later found out it was a bag of whole blood. I had never seen a bag of blood before, only the glass containers of that era. My friend the doctor wiped one of my ankles with a liquid and made a cut with a scalpel. He inserted what I thought was a small tube, several inches in length. As he fumbled with the bag of blood, my doctor put a couple of stitches in the cut my friend just made. Shortly, my doctor attached the bag to a tube that extended down to my ankle, I could clearly see this, I could almost read the time on the doctors watch but not quite. My friend the doctor then picked up the bag and squeezed it between his hands forcing the contents into my ankle rapidly. It was at that moment, my clear view of the event began to sparkle. The sparkling became more intense and finally the entire picture was blank white. A few seconds later, the white began to darken and I was looking up at the ceiling and light fixture in my room from my bed. I could see both doctors standing at the foot of my bed still working with that bag. Within moments, they began wheeling me down the hall in my bed, a nurse was shaving my chest on the fly. I was on a operating table within a few minutes, the gas passer put the mask on my face and I was out. Later I found out that I had hit the steering wheel with my chest. My ribs had been torn loose from the sternum in the process. The ends of the ribs had hit together beneath my sternum when they broke loose and the ends of several were splintered, leaving sharp jagged pieces sticking out. It was one of these jagged edges that put an inch long gash in my aorta and ripped one lung. I had basically pumped myself dry and filled the chest cavity with blood. It took about 10 pints to replace all lost. This damage simply didn't show up in the x-rays taken. The ribs had jumped back into their normal position and the lung damage was at a weird angle and didn't show up either. I was having gallbladder removed. I remembered, I was leaving my body and there were “BIG WHITE ANGEL” taking me away and when I turn around, I saw my body lying on the operating table as Doctor's were working on me. Angel asked me if I wanted to stay or go with her. I told her, I was not ready to go yet. Next thing I knew, I was waking up from the surgery and I asked my Dr. if I had stopped breathing on the table for little while and he said, yes. He asked me how did I know? I told him, I saw the whole thing when Angel came to me, and was ready to take me with her. I told Dr., I can see, exactly where everyone was, the instruments was used and the locations everything was set. Anyway, my Dr., told me, Penicillin was a fatal for me and to never let someone give it to me again. Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? Yes I was told to NEVER take Penicillin when I awake from surgery! Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? No Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? Yes It felt wonderful as I was floating away. Experience was like nothing I had every experienced in my entire life. What emotions did you feel during the experience? Very calm and peaceful. Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? No Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? No Did you have any sense of altered space or time? No Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? Uncertain Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? No Did you become aware of future events? No Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? No Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Yes After this, I have had more experience with Angels and have more power connection. Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? No How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices? More aware of my surroundings Have you shared this experience with others? Yes Everyone I had told to, they all believed in my story as I have so many experience I share about other real life events. What emotions did you experience following your experience? Peaceful. What was the best and worst part of your experience? Best part of the experience was, it was so peaceful and I had a choice. Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes I was playing pool with my wife in a tavern [she was NOT drinking, she was pregnant with our first child] There was an incident between the people we were with and another group. Somebody from the other group got stabbed. We Ran. As I was running down the street, I got hit by a car that was owned by someone from the other group. I flew over the car and landed in the street hitting my head and arm. Instantly I was 'floating above the scene' looking down. I noticed that there was darkness around me, the only thing I could see was the scene below. But I did FEEL a Supreme presence. I watched below as the car turned around and came back to run me over again. It was heading toward us way to fast to go around me. My wife was in front of my body, arms extended. Just before impact I cried, 'Please God, not now.' And I watched the car pass through us… Yes pass through. Then I was back inside my body in the Worst kind of pain. My head was Gashed and bleeding, and I had a broken arm. There were, as I said, Witnesses to this event. The only one available is my Ex-wife Teresa. The Ambulance arrived and I denied medical attention. I went to the hospital myself the next day. Since this I have had an Unshakable belief in God. Though I am not in any way Religious. I feel my belief is more of a personal Relationship with God than any religious dogma. I had been rushed to the hospital early one morning hemorrhaging very badly. My mom did not know what to do to stop it, so phoned an ambulance to take me to the hospital. When I arrived there, I was taken in almost immediately and some doctors worked on me to get the bleeding to stop. Some where I was floating out of my body because I could see both my parents in a waiting room, and my mom was crying. The next thing that I saw was a tunnel with a bright light which I was being pulled into. I was not afraid because it was all so very peaceful. After a while I was stopped by a grand-mother that had passed on just about the time that I had this experience. She was a grand-mother that I did not like as she was always very mean to me. She was waiting for my and said that I must go back as I had a lot of things yet not done by me. The next thing I remember was seeing the doctors still working on me and then I was back into my body. One of the doctors some time later had asked if I had seen anything, and when I said that I had, he came to my bed after and asked a lot of questions. I was in the washroom getting ready for bed when I felt dizzy so I sat on the stool, got my face towel, ran cold water on it and put it to my face and my neck. I thought I would feel better but sweat started running off me as if I had poured a glass of water over my head. I knew I was in trouble so I knew I had to get help. I made it to the bathroom door, got it opened and tried to call my husband. He was sound asleep on the sofa in the living room. I tried calling his name but it sounded like a whisper to me so I said, oh God he'll never hear me, but all of a sudden he jumped up off the sofa and ran to me. I tried to tell him t just help me to the bed and the only thing I remember is saying the word JUST, that's it that one word. My husband said as I was going to the floor I told him I loved him, and I was gone. My eyes were opened I wasn't breathing and he couldn't find a pulse. The next thing I remember is still being in the doorway of the bathroom watching my husband running back and forth from the bedroom to the living room. I heard everything he said, and saw everything he did. My husband tried giving me CPR until the ambulance came my b/p was 60/40 and they said I was coming back. I never saw my body but I felt the sensation of falling when I re-entered my body and that wonder peace, which I felt was gone. It took me about 2 weeks before I told my husband what happened. As above I had a outer body experience where I noticed doctors and nurses issuing orders all around me trying to revive me I remember floating above the table and watching what was going on and noticing the lights. I went through a dark tunnel and felt that I was carrying a weight on my back like a haversack. I felt there were people beside me but I could not recognize any body even though I seen the shape of people. I felt that the tunnel was fairly long walk and there was a pin point of light at the end of the tunnel and when I got to the end I came outside and noticed somebody standing beside me with a covering over the head of the head and I was looking at fields of bright colorful flowers and felt that a massive weight had gone from my shoulders. It was extremely peaceful and I felt that I did not want to go back. The colors were extremely bright and beautiful. I was told by this other person that I had a son and it was not my turn yet. I tried to argue as I felt I did not want to leave but I had no choice every time he said I had to go back I felt that I was drifting back through the tunnel. I woke up about a week later in intensive care My family lived in Fresno, CA at the time and I was sent to Lancaster CA to live with my Aunt & Uncle. During my stay there, I became ill. My parents drove to Lancaster to see about me and immediately rushed me to the hospital. While on our way to the hospital, the coughing was so severe that I continually lost and regained consciousness from not being able to take in a breath. When we arrived in the hospital parking lot, I remember the hospital staff there waiting for me with a gurney. When they placed me on the gurney & rushed me inside of the hospital I lost consciousness and that is when I had the near death experience. What was strange is that I saw myself in a dark tunnel. It was as if I was a spectator or on looker, because I saw the back of my entire self/body standing in the tunnel facing the light. Then, I was no longer watching myself, but being myself and walking toward the light. Once I got very close to the end of the tunnel, I was a little hesitant to go further because I didn't know what was happening or what to expect, but I was not afraid. When I got to the very edge of the tunnel, I bent over sticking my head just outside of it to see what was there. I looked up and I saw the bluest sky. I looked to the right and saw the most beautiful green grass on rolling hills. Then I looked down at the grass just outside of the tunnel and stuck one foot on top of it and it was soft and cool to the touch. Then I looked to the left and there was someone sitting on a throne and he called me out. I came out of the tunnel and walked toward the being and I was not afraid. When I looked toward him this is what I saw. He sat upon a throne that was made of something that I've never saw before. It was solid and translucent at the same time. He wore a white garment that covered him from his neck down to his feet. His face was bright and radiating like the sun with rays extending outward. There was no face, but pure light. I could look straight into the bright light of his face and it didn't hurt my eyes. To the left and to the right of Him stood several beings like men standing at attention. The one on the throne said to me, to my conscious/mind, that I had to go back that it was not time for me to come. Then he showed me an image or vision of myself as an adult which at that time I understood it to mean that I will have a full life. Once I understood, in an instant I was back in my body. I never spoke to anyone about this and I only thought of it as a teenager and adult on occasion. As a child I constantly thought about my and the world's existence. It sometimes frightened me that I was a living, breathing creature. I longed to know how we got here so I constantly asked questions to any adult who would answer. Also, most of my life I was able to see spirits. To dream about people's death. Also, I've had strange encounters with people while walking down the street that gave me messages about something that would take place in my life that came true, advice and just watching over me. Not until about 5 years ago when I saw a Dr. Moody's documentary on television did I understand what happened, the NDE. I ran out and got his book, then others. I also called my older sister and asked her about my illness during that time and she said that they almost lost me and I had to be resuscitated. I was in the hospital at the time for a serious illness. I passed out and had a sense that all of the circulation in my body was stopping; as I faded out it was as if every part of my body were “going to sleep” and losing circulation. Everything went unbearably dark and I thought I was losing myself. I felt as if I was being annihilated and while agonized then was just resigned. When I “came to”, I was lying in a light gray, softly lit room, on what seemed to be a velvety soft floor. It was muted gray but not the dull, lifeless unhealthy gray we often think of when we hear the color mentioned. The whole room was unearthly soft, peaceful and softly lit. It was like waking consciousness but in an environment I could not clearly define–my sense of time and place was ineffably different than natural, although it all seemed quite serene. The “room” I was in seemed decently large, and rounded–with a high rounded ceiling that seemed tall but not desperately far away. I was on the floor, looking up at the ceiling, into what appeared to be a round “stained glass” “skylight.” It was a large rosette, letting in the light which filled the room. I call it stained glass because of the round rosette mandala pattern the light exuded from, but there was no sense of light diffraction through glass. The light was very white–not the blaring lights of a hospital or the dazzling light of the sun, but palpable and calming, almost cloud like radiance. Just a calm, and accepting, soft but bright, radiant glow unlike any light I've seen in normal life. I felt very peaceful looking up into it as it came down to where I lay. I remember a sense of calm and safety, and the place seemed very familiar to me, as if I had been there before and could remember all about it if I wanted to (but I was pretty much in the moment at that time and unconcerned with the past, so I didn't concentrate on that feeling much aside from the comfort it provided me). My memory is muffled after this point; I sensed several presences–coach-like voices that they talked to me and urged me while I was there, but my memory is inexact; I only know that that they reassured me everything would be OK and that I would be going home. Things went dark again for a time but I could still hear them talking to me and guiding me, stating over and over again that I would be OK and that I would be going home (which was what I was most worried about at the time). After the pitch black I found myself back in my hospital room. It took a great deal of effort on my part to wake up again and bring the world back into focus. I woke up to a very concerned nurse who was trying to get me to wake up. It took several long hours before I could see or hear correctly. My parents and a nurse discovered that I had been negligently overdosed on a medication. After this occurred I began to pray, earnestly, more earnestly than I ever had in my whole life. I wanted badly to be well, and to be able to go home, but I didn't pray *for* anything, I merely prayed over and over again: “I love you God, Amen”–feeling a palpable presence of God being real, and “on my team” that I had never felt before. I put a lot of willpower into getting well. I was well soon and went home three days ahead of schedule. When I was playing with my young sister “to hide” I was running towards our home’s roof to hide from my sister , while I was trying to go upstairs by the stair I thought to try to go down to the under stairs through the gutter pipes, and when I climbed the gutter pipes, it broke down and I fell from 8 meters high on my head and back, my breath was stopped and I felt I want to scream or to talk, but I couldn’t, the world was in “cycles –rounding”, I had a strange feeling as if in other different world, a world than can not be reached except by the dead ones. I lost my feeling of my my body, the darkness was overwhelming. I was unconscious for 2 minutes. I started screaming because of intense pain. There was a break in my back and hand, and now I am well, thanks to God. It all started Tuesday May 10th; I had been with a persistent flue and a bad-treated asthma… I went to the doctor because I caught a bronchitis and he prescribed a syrup, antibiotics, inhalator and a corticoid injection. On Wednesday 11th, I woke up as usual; I had my medicine and a lady came to give me the injection. After she left, 5 minutes went by and started to have breathing problems…. I called my mother as I could…she was getting out of the shower and I told her I could not breathe. I managed to dress up…and my best friend called me to have breakfast with me…she was near my house and I start work at 13:00… as I could not respond to her my mother does and tells her I need help. We went down in the elevator and the last thing I remember was the face of my friend. Upon leaving my house I fainted due to lack of oxygen in my brain. And here comes my experience, after my breathing stopped. The hospital nearest to my house is about a 15-20-minute drive, so I arrived the Santa María Clinic with a respiratory collapse and no pulse. I opened my eyes and saw myself en a tunnel of lights… diffuse and beautiful lights.. I was in something kind of a train… I did not see myself but knew that I was riding leaning back in a train at high speed.. I was very frightened of the speed, the lights passing by very fast by my side… I saw thousands of light spirals and thought…” I am dying” … I felt my body glued to that seat and saw a very strong light with a golden frame at the end of the tunnel, I saw some roman columns with the infinite symbol. As I approached it the light became stronger. I was frightened because I knew that if I passed through the entry I would not be coming back… thousands of voices were talking to me at the same time…and I repeated to myself… ”not yet…. I am dying…not yet… Not Yet” and I was anguished because I did not want to go to the light….in the meanwhile I tried to hush the voices that talked and talked to me… I could not recognize any of them but they said let go, abandon yourself and I did not want to do it…. When they gave me adrenaline and revived me with electroshock the train stopped…and went backwards at the same speed until a voice told me (a voice coming from behind me) “Not yet…it is not your moment yet”.. and the train started to slow down until it stopped completely. My whole body arched and fell back on the hospital bed. I opened my eyes and said to the nurse…” I died”…she took my hand and said “yes, but you are now here”… Afterwards I learned that some “carabineros” (it is like police in Chile [Translator note]) escorted me to the clinic. If I had arrived 5 minutes later I would have passed through the portal…the light… My mother did not see them as carabineros but as angels. In fact, everything happened in order for me to be here telling this experience. The experience took place during the summer of 2002 while I was in Afghanistan as a reporter covering stories for media outlets that I worked for. After the invasion of Afghanistan by the Americans, I was sent to Kabul as a correspondent from my country. I stayed for 3 months. One afternoon toward the end of August, while I traveled with a journalist friend from New Zealand to one of the encampments of the international peacekeeping forces (ISAF) to buy some beer and celebrate the birthday of my companion, we had a very serious accident that involved several vehicles. Our vehicle, an all-terrain vehicle, turned over several times (I remember 2). My companion was killed in the accident. Miraculously, the driver and I survived. Among other things I fractured my skull and was placed in observation for several days because of internal bleeding. Regarding the experience, I must say that my memory of it has returned little by little and I am not sure whether my recollections are real or the result of my imagination. Beforehand I was very well-read in NDE studies and was aware of doctor Raymond Moody's work. What I remember for sure is that I was not in any tunnel. More than any memories, I have vague feelings that I would like to relive in order to clear up in my mind. I do remember feeling good, accompanied by someone who looked to me like Jesus although I didn't see his face at any time. He was a calming being who accompanied me flying above the accident scene while explaining things to me. I remember flying above the accident scene and seeing myself lying on the ground. During that time, feelings of total incomprehension come over me although I was guided through the experience wrapped in a secure, warm feeling. The first thing I thought about was what will happen to my family when they find out about the accident without having the opportunity of seeing me and prove to themselves that I am really OK. These thoughts seem to be read by my “imaginary” companion who tells me, “Look, there you are down there, but don't worry. You will return and will be OK.” Or something of the sort. These are calming assurances with an archetypal power. I am immediately overcome by feelings of guilt because I see my reporter friend and fear that he will not return. My “imaginary” companion responds by saying, “Don't worry about him. He has decided to remain here. You will return but he will stay.” By his words I understand the message that there is no conflict with death. There is no reason to grieve. Afterwards, my memories become mixed up because I regain consciousness and I see myself in an ambulance surrounded by doctors and cables. One of them notices I have become conscious and tells the others. He bends over me and while shining a light in my eye asks absurd questions, like if I know where I am, do I know what happened to me. What's curious is that I reply in perfect English (the doctor and medics were German soldiers from the peacekeeping forces ISAF) despite the blow to my head, the confusion, the sedative and the fact that my native language is Spanish and I am not perfectly bilingual. I remember that my first obsession was to see if I could move my fingers and toes. Once I proved that I could move them, I gave myself over to the situation with complete calm. At no time during my return to consciousness did I loose control. I had the absolute assurance that nothing bad was going to happen to me. Not because of something that was said, but as a feeling that wasn't even conscious. It was like living in a state of tranquility. With the passage of time, I have understood that this was surely because of the effects of the morphine. I also understood why soldiers always make sure to carry morphine with them into combat; it is a perfect artificial paradise in the midst of war. Many things don't make sense to me about what happened. I think the experience can be seen as a modification of the effects of the tranquilizers. I also want to express that when someone spends two months in a war situation, this changes ones mental workings and perceptions very much. It's a form of temporary insanity. Life isn't the same in hindsight or at a distance. Even if you don't experience combat on the front lines (something also difficult to do in the computerized wars of this new century) your consciousness of necessity changes to assimilate certain things. What I would like after relating this is for someone to who has had a similar experience to answer all the unanswered questions I have…so many I don't know where to begin. What's certain is that I am no longer the same since having this experience, nor do I believe I would exchange my present life for my past although my life now is much more difficult and challenging…but also much more real. Certainly I am grateful for having survived, but since that time I am more lost than ever, and no longer have the illusions of life that I had before. It's as if I have had to completely change the direction of my whole life and I resist doing so. In November of 1991, I was struck by a car which left me in a deep coma and was instantly unconscious. When the driver started up his car he ran over me (the tires left marks even on my underwear) and caused internal head injury, ruptured eardrum, broken pelvis, ribs, shoulder, my kidneys ceased to function. I tell this to put the experience into proper context. I was transferred to a hospital, revived, connected to several machines such as respirator, etc. and was in a complete coma. I suppose during this time was when I had my experience. I felt a very strong pull , like a powerful shove that makes me think that was the moment when I saw myself in that place. This “impulse” as I call it was what knocked me into a large park. When I found myself there I was surprised but at the same time not worried. At that time I felt completely enveloped in great peace, a marvelous sensation of fulfillment. There was no sense of time or space. Everything WAS and nothing more existed. The temperature was embracing, enfolding… I looked around, curious, but without a feeling of curiosity (I can't explain it better). It was like accepting what was without any other reference. Everything was very green, with nature everywhere. Behind me was a great closed door (impossible to jump over it was so tall) with large bands the color of brilliant gold. In front of me was lots of grass with a straight, but not long, road in the middle that disappeared at the near-by horizon. There were a few people whose faces I never saw, but each one was in his own world. There was a fountain of water. All the people were dressed in white. The only sounds where those of nature and they were not loud. No one spoke, except when I grandmother appeared and met me (until this moment I remained in the same place I had been in since being impelled into the park). She said to me, without uttering a word: “Hi! It's been a long time since I saw you. What a joy to see you!” I don't remember if I responded, but my joy and happiness at that moment were without measure, since I was seeing my grandmother whom I had loved so much in life (without relating to the fact that she was now dead). As soon as we met up we began to walk on the straight road that I mentioned before, but it was like suddenly changing position, I mean, from where I was standing we moved to where the road began but without moving. Then we began walking but it was like floating and slowly moving forward. She was at road level but did not touch it… I don't know. My grandmother never touched me. She was younger than when she died (89 years old), perhaps 30 years younger with loose long hair, white blouse, black skirt, barefoot, really, really happy to see me. Suddenly, as we were walking along, she became very agitated and seemed in despair. She told me again without speaking words, “I have to go, I can't continue here” and at the same time she picked up her pace. I stayed behind not understanding anything while my grandmother very energetically and decisively, without ever looking back to where I was and without saying goodbye, continued on down the road. I don't know if the great pain I later felt was because of what I experienced during my NDE and then brought back with me when I came out of my coma…a sense of great anguish and loneliness. I don't know for sure, but what I can say for sure is that returning from my “experience” has been, shall we say, a traumatic one, the feeling of abandonment is very unpleasant. At that time my kidneys began to function and I peed (something I wasn't doing up until then) and, well, other things of a medical nature transpired that indicated my immediate and total ecovery from the coma. The doctors couldn't explain my recovery, but one of them approached my mother and told her that her faith was stronger than his own diagnosis. I don't know how long the experience could have lasted, but when I was pulled into that place I was dressed the same as when I was involved in the accident which was about 7 in the morning on a Sunday (this coincides with the feeling that it was very early when I found myself in the park). I was in the coma for 4 days….and I DON'T HAVE ANY RESIDUAL EFFECTS. fisherman/Cuba-Canada longliner, I jumped ship2/18/2000,in key west, my roommate's pet boas died , I'm from Alaska, so I skinned them out, the virus got in me when I skinned the snakes,5/23/2000 I left on the bus for Alaska -via Seattle, I got to Seattle and was so sick, I took a room at the youth hostel 5/27/2000,-5/28/2000 I was so sick I called 911–7 pm,, 10pm I died, on the glass table,—-shocked me back to life , died again——-, shocked back to life, came out of a coma 6/2/2000—-while I was dead I sat next to a guy who looked exactly like —Anthony Quinn in Zorba the Greek- in the closing shot where he's sitting on the fantail of his yacht——we were in a 12-15 crater a pickup truck bombed out burnt up across the entire top , 9'' of light could be seen all around I was on his left side looking right, he didn't turn to me he just said ——–“you going to be ok” ———-I didn't now I was not ok——–I was just there and he just said it to me— that was all he said—-I knew it was important but had no clue what was ok meant just that I new it was going to be ok ————god—or Jesus—or an angel—-?????—said so— I was shocked back– I could see the room 7-9 doctors doing all kinds of things to me— I could not feel– like a funny haze– I died the second time—- and was back in the hole- next to the guy- and we sit there outside its dark people are running to escape or find hiding or something— he turns to me and just says —— “look I told you your going to be ok” I had no clue I was not ok, they shocked me back to life—and I came out of a comma on 6/3/2000–dob is 6/3/60– I always call my dad on my birthday, and came out of a comma to call– I know I did it was me I was there, a nurse was there who tried to get me to sign a paper for release, so they could give me a new liver and kidney, I said “no I'm going to be o.k.” she told me I was in a comma and was now dieing, my kidneys and liver have died and no one knows what's wrong , my time is up, I said no I'm going to be ok , se said I was crazy—who's my next of kin — I said“ don't cut me or gut me!!! I'm going to be ok!!! if I die that's ok –measure me –box me–bake me–and throw my ashes out to sea , and have a party with the cash in my pocket!!!” they said I was crazy and called my mom in Texas, she's a Baptist Sunday school teacher and will pray for in a drop of a hat!! the nurse told her I was dieing, and I would not sign the papers, mom asked what I said the nurse told her (on the phone next to my bed)– she said “ he's crazy –no one in their right mind would turn down a new liver and kidneys, he's almost dead and will be soon if he doesn't get the transplant, he said–don't cut me or gut me if I'm through I'm through, I'm going to be ok , and if I'm not jut measure me box me bake me and through my ashes to the sea————mom said “He's not crazy !! Don't cut him–or–gut him, if he dies,–measure him —box him-bake him– and throw his ashes to the sea— just like he told you !!! She was serious—mom called sister carrol (hyper spiritual)—(direct line to god) she called to talk–then she says i'll call you tomorrow the nurse said I think you better say everything he's not going to be here tomorrow, I told carrol god said I was going to be ok–talk to you tomorrow————-the doctors found the antivirus meds that worked—no one could believe I said no thanks— doctors said i had no more liver or kidneys—dialysis twice a week for life—-i didn't believe them–i was told I was going to be ok—-wheel chair —and if I was lucky a walker—sure–a lot you know–i said—-xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 6/14/2000 it was obvious I was not dead yet, some nurse lost her paycheck in that pool !! They had a social worker try to sign me up for a hospice (cancer–aids–tuberculosis) place to go die!! I said no !! They asked where I wanted to go, its already cost the state $145,000 to keep me alive this long , and other patient's need max care bed, I said texas to stay with my mom–that day –they got me in a wheelchair rolled me to the double sliding glass door- unplugged my 4 drip bottles-put a taxi ticket in one hand a airplane ticket to texas in the other, I flew home to texas–almost died in san fran airport lobby—made it to texas–now as a fisherman my $2000 bike follows me in a box – it ended up in texas also– each day , I would struggle to walk outside (walker had a horn and rearview mirror–very funny–)put a couple of bolts on –and struggle back in- each day further and further-5 th day I stopped taking my meds (a huge bag that I needed to live) I was suppose to go for dialyses 2 times a week–i never went a single time!!????? I got better and better - soon my bike was together and I went riding , close to the house –very weak–soon so far mom had to come get me in the truck–then all the way and back—–8/1/2000 I took the greyhound bus to key west florida to stay with sister carrol. Recovered in the gardens , 9/1/2000 I flew back to boston , and went back out to sea fishing on the ship –jacqueline l, for another year—-just so you know i've seen a lot of big men bite the dust fishing, its the hardest job in the world— i'm a 15 yr vet of fishing, I can no longer do the job —now I live in maui—-and believe in god——-being a christian is not about how many times a week you go to church —-its how many times the week you act like god would want you to (and that means keeping your mouth shut about it) there's a lot more to the story but that's the basics thanks dacptn I was 7 years old, it was summer and I were as usual spending my summer holiday sailing the seas around Denmark in my parent self build sailing boat. We were laying in the harbor of Nyborg on the Island of Fyn. It was dinnertime. My father had made a sailboat to me of paper and tied some fishing line to it that we had wrapped around a stick.. I was eager to try it out and somehow I managed to leave the dinner table without a life vest on. Stepping up on the bridge (a rectangular long platform that all the boats are tied to) I got the idea, that I should examine how long the line were, before throwing the boat into the water. So I laid the boat on the bridge and walked backwards while I unrolled the line. The line was long and without knowing I directly towards the end of the bridge until there were know bridge under my feet. Splash.. Falling backwards as I did, landing head first I hardly uttered a sound until I was under the water (there were less than 2 meters from the bridge and down to the waterline). Under the water I screamed, surprised and, chocked and horrified. All the air came out of me creating bubbles and my scream was absorbed by the water. After the first chock I gained more control. I oriented myself and tried with the best “dog paddling” that I had learn to work my way up, ferociously fighting.. Then came a shift.. In an instant after fighting a while, I realized that I couldn't make it I was not going up. having this realization I instantly calmed down, resigned, got peaceful. The fear left, peaceful silence arrived. I let myself sink to the bottom, where I sat looking around. I was a bit dark, but I could see the seaweed that sat on the bridge pillars waving and small swarms of little fishes (we call them “hundestejler”) intermingling with the seaweed. I also noted the rippled sand bottom. Then pictures started to be imposed on me, like a slideshow of pictures, showing my family, our house, my cat Felix. It is difficult to say what exactly I felt, I was saying goodbye, knowing that I was now leaving these wonderful beings, but not with a lot of sadness, more a feeling of sympathy, maybe a bit of melancholy? Then I saw a light. like the brightest cloud. I kind of swept along the bottom of the sea towards me, in a rolling kind of motion. It embraced me.. It is very difficult to explain, the texture and the richness of this being. Like small vibrating treads of fire, the purest white. And the sensation…. Love. every molecule in my body melted into this being and I somehow became one with this vibration.. The moment it embraced me it was like it said.. Don't worry my beloved, while smiling to me, cuddling me, embracing me, but not with a face, with a penetrating presence. It simply did me all the best in an instant.. Writing it down now I start crying, just as I did the last time I tried.. In a state of deep reverence. Next thing I remember is opening my eyes, I'm under my fathers arms as we go to as a surface as a projectile. I'm being towed to the bridge where some people has gathered, I'm bewildered and somehow angry. they turn me upside down and I puke out the salty water. they carry me down in the boat and put blankets around me, a doctor comes to check on me, I'm fine. I remember how my family, mother and father and brother were looking at me with love pouring out their eyes, somehow creating a golden glow in the boat and I felt so warm.. Next day I was happy, dancing down the streets of this little city. I was not the slightest bit traumatized, but on the contrary just eager to swim by the beach.. Because of the bite of a coral snake (micrurus lemniscatus), during the fifth day after the bit I suffered a breathing break because of the collapse of the left lung. The next scene I remember, was observing around me a blue color as the sky, very intense; while this happened, I was descending in spiral, slowly, until arriving to the bottom of a total darkness. At the bottom of this darkness, there was a “brightness” of a very brilliant light which was little by little getting more and more brilliant. The sensation of peace I felt is impossible to describe. Suddenly, I saw my grandfather who died in March of 2005 and he asked me with great tranquility (easiness) if I was fine in there and I told him that I wanted to come back and he responded “then, get out of here, this is no place for you”. After that I started to turn around in a foggy environment and returned to my body, then I started to listen the voices of the doctors but unclearly and kind of hesitating voices, but soon they became clearer and I realized they were fighting for making me breath. Only at this moment I realized I had left my body. It was approximately 10:00 at night. For the past week I had been experiencing very strong pain in my head and body. On the day of my experience the pain was so severe I couldn't even speak or hear. The cause was a mystery even to the doctors, and my family thought I was just making it up or that it was something minor. But it became so intense that I called my family together and I resigned myself to the pain. Three hours later a doctor gave me an injection of serum but when he gave it to me my pulse accelerated and my body convulsed and I became immobilized. The next thing I remember was seeing my body lying on the bed with my family around me. I then found myself in a dark place without borders on the sides and I noticed that the pain had disappeared. I felt so light that I couldn't even feel myself walking. I noticed some shadowy figures that came towards me and behind them was the reflection of a light. There were 10 or 12 figures and I noticed a glow around them. My family later confirmed that I was without vital signs during this time. Death caused by hypobulimic shock. The Light attracts me as a magnet. It is so marvelous that I follow it but then retreat from it because I am listening to the crying of the people who were surrounding me. It is like if I turned to the right hand side i.e. I do not go up or down. It is strange. The feelings that surround me are as strong as ever. And that Light is white and catches me. I do not see nor hear anything else. I do not feel my body, or my head, nothing physical, only mental. It is all so beautiful that I do not want to leave the light. You know, even today I think about my experience and wonder why I did not follow the Light. When I followed the Light I suddenly came back and opened my eyes and it was so difficult to breath the same air again which I see is dark; I look at the rest of people who are crying and I think I’ll be fine and at the same time I feel sorrow for staying but then I realize that my baby needs me . I sensed that I could move between earth and a sphere above earth as I wished. Being able to move like this was wonderful. A feeling of total freedom was experienced. I could invite my wife to go with me at stages. (Anny and I are not legally married, but we have been together for ten years. I refer to her as my wife) When I visited earth, the daily life circumstances was experienced. When I visited the upper level, everything was so wonderful and perfect. If you wanted to go somewhere, you get into a car and you moved. Time was no factor. I then moved in a place that seemed to be a kind of factory. In this factory was state of the art electronic equipment beyond your wildest imagination. The main function of this equipment was to produce CDs and DVDs. There was a young fellow working there controlling these machinery. I was standing next to a shelf stacked with DVDs. (It seemed to be uncountable, there were so many). I coincidentally saw a DVD in front of me with the words on the cover, WHY NUMBER 28? I took it from the shelf and on the cover was a photo of myself. I then checked the back, and there was written, “Murray R was born 1962 and lived up to.” There was no date. “He was a talented man who played music in various bands.” And I was actually reading my own life story. All the detail will take a while. I called the young man that was working there and asked him what this was all about. He replied that this was a DVD of my life. “May I see this?”, I asked. Yes, and took the DVD from me and put it into a player, where after the video of myself was flashed onto a big screen. BEAUTIFUL. There I saw myself standing on a stage with my bass guitar playing with a band when I was about 20 years old. I saw some other scenes as well, as I was busy with music all my life. Excited, I called the young man and asked him whether I could have this DVD. “No,” he said. “Why?” I asked. Because your life ain't over yet. When your time on earth is done, the DVD will be released. Disappointed I turned away and left the factory. Then came a new scene. a Voice: Murray! Yes, I answered. Voice: You have been dwelling for long enough now, it is now time to make a choice where you want to go. Surprised I was. A choice, want kind of a choice? Voice: You have three choices. OK I said, what is the first one? I cannot remember the first choice, because I rejected it without giving it even a slight thought. What is the second choice? I asked. Voice: Your friend Len. (Now, Len and I were friends for more than 20 years, But he passed away a month or two before I had my accident. He was the leader of a famous gospel singing group in South-Africa called Jubelatum singers, Almost like Dallas Holm, where he got his inspiration from. Len? I asked doubtful. But how would I know if this choice is OK? Voice: You may have a look. O.K. I replied. How do I do that? Voice: In front of you is a machine. You can go to the future or to the past as you wish, just push the FF or REW button. I then FF the machine and it went at an incredible speed until I stopped it. Suddenly I stood at an open field. What now? I asked. Voice: Start walking. I walked for a while, then a bright light appeared on the horizon. The light was like sunrise. You don't see the sun, but only the rays. It was a light with the most beautiful colors which I have never seen before. As I came closer it became brighter. I then noticed a wall. From the other side of the wall someone was playing the most beautiful music. I stood still and listened. Then I realized it is my friend playing his keyboard. But it is Len, I said. Voice: Yes, it is Len. Very excited I asked whether I may speak to him. Voice: No Why not? I asked. Voice: After you made your choice you will be permitted to pass through the wall, then you may speak to him. Disappointed I said O.K. what is my last choice. Voice: Anny. As I said, Anny is the one love of my life and we have been together for 10 years now. Once again I had to ff the machine. a said to myself I wanna go to 14 november 2005,pushed the button and in a flash I was there. As if on a big screen I saw Anny and myself sitting at a table. We were chatting and laughing and seemed to be happy. With this scene I realized Anny and I were still together, which meant I wasn't dead, I also looked for crutches which I didn't see, and that meant I wasn't paralyzed felt comfortable with the situation. Voice: Well, what is your choice? This was it, I thought. The time has come for me and where must I go. If I go to Len all my suffering will be over and everything will be perfect with no pain? I asked Voice: That is correct. If I choose Anny I have to go back there. (I saw myself lying on the bed with all the wiring and monitors connected to me and a pipe in my mouth). Realizing that I have to cross a couple of bridges and walk a long road to recovery which gonna involve long term pain and suffering and it is not going to be an easy road to walk. Voice: What is your choice. Well, I said. Considering that it I am going to recover as I saw on the video, I am only 43 years of age which is relatively young, I do love Anny, and I feel that I still have a couple of chores to complete on earth, considering all these factors, I choose ANNY. IN A FLASH MOMENT ALL WAS OVER. I then didn't experience anything further from there on. It is now 22 Feb 2006. I am still in the process of recovery, as my nerve system was damaged, because of a neck injury. My neck was broken on 3 places. I am thankful to be alive. God must have a master plan for me. I think. Before giving birth to my son, the nurse informed me that I was dilated at 7 cm and that they were taking me into delivery. My son was 8lbs. 6 oz. and literally tore me to pieces. I was later informed that the doctor had to put 80 something stitches in me to put me back together. Obviously, I lost a great deal of blood, but nothing immediately was done. An hour and a half after giving birth, I was in my room when a nurse entered to take my blood pressure. I remember her calling the station and asking them to bring her another stethoscope because hers must be broken. When she got another stethoscope, she could not find any blood pressure or a heart beat. I was still conscious, because I remember her telling my mother, who was in the room, to please leave. My husband had gone home to shower. It was at this point that I was no longer conscious of the earthly world. I remember a falling movement through a black tunnel, then arriving at the most brilliant, beautiful white light. I have never since seen this color or type of light. Once I reached the light a voice- I never saw anyone, only heard a voice- welcomed me. The voice was very warm, masculine. He said, “Welcome, Leta. Do you know where you are?” At first I was confused - not understanding where I was or what had just happened. I remember starting to say no, but then it hit me, and I told him, “Yes, I am in heaven, but I don't want to be here. I just had a baby and I want to be with him.” I remember telling him frantically almost pleading, “I can't stay here. My husband doesn't know anything about babies and I need to go back to help him. The voice said, “So you don't want to be here?” I responded, “Someday I want to be here, but not now. I want to be with my baby.” He said, “Okay.” I then felt like I was going back up through the tunnel. When I came to, the doctors and nurses had the heart shockers in hand about to hit my chest. One of the nurses looked at me and said, “I've seen that face before. You have been to the other side.” I was in the backseat of my mothers car and we were stopped to make a left turn and a truck (van) hit the back of the car at about 60mph. Myself and my sister, who was also in the car (backseat), were thrown from the car. I was thrown, by police reports, 180 feet. I know when I woke up I was under a snow plow wheel and dragged myself out from under the wheel then was out again until I reached the hospital. During the accident I knew nothing other than a complete loss of time and a floating experience as I physically left the body and watched as a relative (great grandmother) welcomed me. She said to me “you need to go back” I looked at her for what seemed hours then awoke in the hospital. Even though this accident was terrible, the car was beyond recognition, I was never scared. We all walked away. I had 2 stitches and a fairly bad concussion but that is all. I was let out of the hospital in just a few hours. No one could believe I or any of us walked away. My sister was thrown about 200 feet from the car but had no experience like mine. She was found face down in a snow bank and thought dead but quickly recovered with just a few stitches as well. Early evening (dusk) I was traveling in light traffic at about 30mph an oncoming vehicle came round a bend and didn't correct her steering. She crashed into me whilst doing at least 50mph. I wasn't aware that I'd been hit, but I was aware that I wasn't where I was. I didn't feel any pain, I thought I was totally conscious but I knew I wasn't. I tried to move but couldn't, I tried to talk but couldn't, I knew that I couldn't see but didn't care. I was so totally at peace that I expected something to happen so I stood, laid, sat. I wasn't actually doing anything but I was there. It's impossible to say for how long because there was no time associated in this place, I was there and I was enjoying myself. I asked the question to myself or anyone who might be listening “am I dead?” I was told by my Granddad (passed over 4 months previously) “No!” I asked “What happens now?” I regained consciousness and was laying on the ground surrounded by the people that had pulled me from the car, in tremendous pain and in shock. The initial fall was about fifteen feet. Then I tumbled end over end for maybe another fifty feet, finally landing face-down, in the water. My friend, Linda was watching, screaming my name. I said “Linda, I'm O.K. that's just my body.” Somehow this made perfect sense while I was out of my body. I watched as she started to pick her way down through the rocks to get to my body. I started to drift upwards, and suddenly I was surrounded by nothing. I was not cold. I was not hot. I was neither wet nor dry. I was. I was everything; but there was nothing in everything. I was love. I was peace. I had no beginning and no end. I was communicated to. One would say that I knew without being told, I heard nothing, but was given knowledge. I knew I was not supposed to be there. I could stay or go, it was up to me. I thought of my parents and thought they would be disappointed if I was late for dinner. I didn't know what to do. I was worried about what my mother would do if I didn't come home, and then I was back in my body. I was wet, and cold, and floating. I put my feet under me and I stood up. Linda was there, just getting to the place in the lake where I was. She was crying. “I thought you were dead”, she said. We walked along the lake shore until we found a staircase and we walked home on the road. I didn't have a broken bone, or any serious injuries, just a couple of cuts on my face and on my back. Linda and I have only spoke of the incident superficially, she lives in a different city than I, but we still keep in touch. She and I talked about it at my father's funeral, she said she would write an account of it from her perspective because I would like to see if she verifies my memory. My recollection that I was face-down makes me think I may have died (Why didn't I drown while she was trying to get to me? The shoreline was very rocky and hard to traverse, that's why I was going up higher–to see if it would be easier to make our way at a different level. It would have taken her a few minutes to get to my body from where I began.) I will try to make this short and to the point. I was having a heart attack the pain was excruciating. There was a number of people working on me and the last thing I remember a doctor ripped his mask off climbed on top of me put his knees on my shoulders drew back with a syringe two inches across with a needle about six inches long and stabbed me in the chest. Then I heard that ringing noise that I've heard ever time I've been put asleep. The pain and fear went away. A bright light was before me not a tunnel or beam, just light. I was floating, moving with the light, with time to realize everything that was going on. I was completely coherent. Not drunk not drugged totally aware of my surroundings and how nice it was to be weightless. Next I realized I wasn't gasping for breath it was wonderful. No pain no fear no worries. I started felling better and better as a overwhelming felling of love consumed me. Up a head I saw a large group of People no faces no bodies as such just gray silhouettes. There was one standing alone just below me to my right with outreached hands; I was about ten feet above them. Some say I had a choice to go or not, if that's so, God cheats. It was irresistible so as I am descending to take the hand of who I think was Jesus I heard a voice from beyond. It was my Wife, saying you better think about those boys. (I have two Young sons.) All of a sudden I was snatched away from there like a mail bag being grab by a hook on a locomotive. Slammed back in my body full of pain, fear, and hate. I had a feeling of extreme peace and I loved being where I was. I was not afraid at all and I wanted to stay where I was. I then began to see what was going on around my body. It was as if I were looking down from above and behind my body. I watched things go on for only a few moments before I was instructed to go back, because it was not time for me to die. I never saw where the voice came from, but I felt the presence of a being beside me. I don't recall seeing anything, but I knew that where I was was a good place and I wanted to stay. I did not question the voices command. I just did as I was instructed. I went back and fought for my life. I have had numerous, but they almost always start the same. Your back opposite of your solar plexus locks up, and then it runs down your legs where you cannot move, followed by up your shoulders and then down your hands where you cannot bend them. Next, it runs up your head and squeezes your ears to a high-pitched shrill, followed by the squeezing out of light in your eyes. Once your eyesight goes, it is a very quick point to the release from your body. I traveled up an upside down inverted hurricane tunnel that spun counter-clockwise that was filled with the brightest of bright neon colors from the brightest sunsets from clouds that were also wrapped in the bright of fire flames that did not burn. As I traveled up, the white light and aqua/royal blue colors increased. You could see your body prism/shadow, although you really had no body to speak of. You just thought it was there but it was not kind of like an amputee having to scratch their stub for an itch on their “foot.” Once I got to the top of the hurricane, I was in the inside of a globe-like room that also spun counter-clockwise with 12-portals or “windows” that also let in light. Not that I am a Bible person, but I think those were the twelve gates. My life pictures flashed through the holes of the globe and also going up in the inverted hurricane that got smaller in width as I traveled upward. The life pictures were divided into three categories with 18 good life experiences with respect to people and your life, 18 bad deed pictures that you regret, and 18 nature pictures of your favorite beaches, travels, sunsets, etcetera. My good pictures outweighed my bad pictures, probably because I had an NDE at such a young age and kind of knew the rules to that “game.” The globe or “judgment room” had walls that spun fast and seemed to be made out of water from the brightest colors of water from the best coral reefs on earth but far brighter. Up above or the ceiling, there was a golden triangle from which the brightest of lights came from, and there were these star beings that fly or swam in the densest of lights. As they collided, they made this reverberating love feeling like the ripple effect when someone throws a stone into water but this was love not water. It sprinkled down onto you and is the single greatest type of love that I have ever experienced. The remaining portion of the ceiling was created by the bright fire and cloud bank but did not burn and actually went sideways from the triangle to the “water walls.” All the while, your life pictures are flashing brilliantly through the light. It ends very abruptly and brutally with a very deep and painful fall back into your over-charged body. They seem to get more difficult to get over and not easier, and you become more detached from living on earth and not less each one you have. They are a “heavenly blessing” but an “earthly curse.” It's never the same after that visit. I came down with bacterial spinal meningitis when I was seven months old. Fortunately my mother is a nurse so when we (her kids) got sick she paid very close attention to our symptoms and took proper care of us. If it hadn't have been for her I probably wouldn't be here today. At first it was very hard to diagnose me, and everyone told my mother that I had the flu, even some doctors. She visited 3 doctors in a matter of two days before she realized what I had because of the stiff neck and the extreme 105.8 fever that I had. The last doctor she went to recognized what was wrong with me immediately and put me in intensive care ASAP. He also told her I would either die in four hours or have a dramatic turn around. Thankfully my parents are very spiritual and prayerful and I know in my heart to this day that those prayers helped me tremendously. I was in intensive care for eleven days for my first Christmas. Being so young I don't remember the experience when it happened, but I can picture all the colors and everything else about it in my mind. When I was 3 years old I walked up to my mom and just out of the blue said “Mom I died when I was little and you didn't even know it.” she turned around and said “really? what did you see?” and I wouldn't tell her any more. 3 years later we were reading a spiritual book, and a blurted out mom! I remember what I saw! And I proceeded to tell her that there was a beautiful city and there were golden domes, and I was often in a room where little baby angels would race to Jesus' mother Mary on a throne and place flowers at her feet. I told her that her robe was red and trimmed with fur, and it makes sense because it was around Christmas time when I was sick. That's all I remember. I do know I was extremely fortunate because the illness often leaves disabilities, hearing loss, and brain damage and I am a studious student, athletic, and a lover of music. Today I am very spiritually sensitive and continue to have experiences, some of which are very frightening, and some very beautiful experiences. I was a serving soldier in the 3rd Battalion of the parachute regiment, my regiment was on a military exercises for 2 weeks in an area known as Salisbury plain, my job entailed,.. was to drive a landrover. What happened is an exact recollection of events which I experienced and only very close friends know about this. Approx 2.30 a.m. I was driving from Warminster with a landrover full of rations, spare wheels the usual junk a landrover carries, I was very tired only having a couple of hours sleep when I remember the landrover steering wheel begin to vibrate. Due to exhaustion and needing my bed, I guessed I had about 1 hour to get to my location so I continued driving, a few moments later the landrover immediately took a sharp left turn throwing me to the right with my head hitting of the door, my hands came off the steering wheel and when I tried to brake I felt the vehicle roll over to the left sharply, what accounts I have during the roll was total fear screaming for my mum ( yes, my mum strangely ) I remember been thrown about in the drivers compartment, grass coming through the window, darkness, pain all over my chest and shear hell was what I experienced before blacking out. When I awoke, I felt the wind in my face which was nice, once I began to focus I saw bright lights, heard people shouting, the wind on my face was coming off the rotors of a rescue helicopter I presumed, the top of the landrover was gone, cut away by fireman and the lights were torches, I remember a woman speaking to me holding my left hand saying we will get you out, I recall crying but felt no pain then I felt myself began to drift which I thought was off to sleep. I then felt myself slipping out of my body heading to the right hand side when I stopped floating I was about 20 feet away standing up watching everything happen in front of me, I felt no pain but totally confused then shear terror came over me as I knew then that I died, I didn't want to die I was still too young, all these thoughts came over me, also there was no tunnels of light, no bright lights, angels singing which is usually perceived. But what happened then was I felt a warmth come over me, kind of like hot air all over my body and then I felt myself begin fade away, a bit like mist or steam from a kettle and then I awoke in the same place where the accident had happened but this place was totally peaceful, everything was clearer, brighter and I felt total at peace within myself. I knew I was in the same place but not, if you know what I mean. I then began to walk about which felt like 5 mins, there was no buildings, nothing relating to any sort of civilization was evident. I sat down trying to gather my thoughts when I saw my dog Bruce walking over to me. Yes, my old dog who died when I was young. Don't know how I knew it was him but I just felt in my heart that it was him, the way he used to look, he came over to me and we cuddled for about a minute when this figure appeared a few feet in front of me. I didn't recognize him (yes, it was a him), he came over and sat down next to me petting Bruce. He was wearing a suit but from maybe the early 1900's era, about 40 yrs in appearance, black hair but I never felt any fear, or suspicion around him however my intuition said he is related to me in some form. His voice was so soothing, he said to me, “John are you happy?” Just, am I happy. “Yes” was the reply. Then he got up and went for a walk, don't know why. I felt like I needed to follow him. I could feel the grass, smell the air and feel the cool wind again my face. Even here birds sing, the sun was as bright as any a day I could recall, the grass was far greener, just everything was more isible and everything felt alive, like I could feel everything's energy pulsating against my own which felt totally wonderful. I remember walking with him stroking Bruce as we strolled about. He said he is taking me to a special place were someone is waiting for me. He spoke in length about life, stressing the importance of goodwill to all creatures, he also explained that there is more life in the universe than one can hope to understand and were we are going is a meeting place. About maybe a few moments I could see other people walking about, some were kissing, cuddling, people were laughing being happy and I could actually feel their happiness inside my belly, yes my belly. It felt so right, so strong and I know everyone could feel my love, sort of like everybody sharing their experiences with everyone around. We stopped beside a large oak tree. Under the oak tree there was this woman sitting down looking at me. She was dressed like the days of the roman empire, long flowing white robe but of shear beauty. Long red curly hair down to her knees. Bruce ran over to her and I followed. There were no introductions, but I felt like I knew her already. She informed me that I need to go back as my time is not up. I remember sighing and looking at the ground in sadness. Then I remember her waving at me and I also recall myself screaming for Bruce to come with me, I remember crying that I want to stay. When suddenly, like a dream, I woke up inside a helicopter with this huge needle in my chest. I know what you have read might sound unbelievable what I truly believe in what I experienced. I know now in my heart and soul that there is life after death and I believe everyone experiences this differently from everyone else. I did recover from my injuries and later on was informed by the doctors that I was clinically dead for over 1 minute. I now look at life from a different view than what I used to. Life is so precious so try to be the best thing you can ever be. I know now that there was no angels, harps or cities in the skies but something even bigger, better awaiting us, and I know what my experiences were was only scratching the surfaces to what happens to all of when we die. Memoirs of My Death Puerto Madryn, Chubut - Argentina Winter 1976, very cold within the context of a very complicated family life and in my personal life I desperately sought some other way out. Always taking work with more responsibility and professionalism than necessary. As the one in charge of quality control for production of a factory, the foremen, with a directive from the management, wipe out my classification for materials to be discarded, reclassify them as good, and send them on out to market. They put a guard at the door to be on the lookout for me. To catch them in the act, I went to the plant on a Sunday at 2:00 a.m., walking more than a kilometer through fields, in the midst of a snow storm with winds at 180 kilometers per hour with gusts of 220 kph and minus 22 degrees Celsius. Of course, I arrived with my ears and extremities beginning to freeze…there is no clothing that can deal with such extreme conditions. The wind gusts blew me over several times and I returned to a standing position as well as I could my grabbing onto the scant vegetation of the area. I succeeded with my plan: I caught them erasing the red crosses and putting on the green marks…a crass mistake…the manager of the plant was the head of the gang doing this because his job was on the line because of all the defective material. The ultrasound detector did not fail nor did my sight… To keep from freezing I went up to the furnace nearest to my office. The furnace had an internal temperature of 800 degrees Celsius and was probably about 50 degrees at the distance where I was at. I stopped next to it without perceiving the vast difference in temperature. I left with a fever, went to bed, and at around 7 p.m. my companions found me delirious in my bed. They took me to a social service clinic in the city that was famous for its cesarean births that took the life of several young women. A nurse checked me in and, frightened by my condition, called a “doctor.” It seems like everybody who is a failure goes to live in the south… (Translators note: Chubut is in the south of Argentina and has a reputation as a place people are sent who are failures of one kind or another) The doctor said to the nurse, “This one is ready to die, he will not last the night.” Give him a shot of Novalgina, a well-known antibiotic at that time, but whose name I don't remember now, and “give him serum.” The diagnosis was “bronchopneumonia.” Well, the doctor was pretty brutal, but he was on the right track because, truthfully, I didn't last the night. At about 2:00 in the morning I “woke up,” because of an insufferably loud whistling sound, and I saw a luminous silhouette, flawless white, that transmitted to me a beautiful sensation of peace. It was a very special light in that despite being intense, it didn't radiate, it was dense and concentrated… everything else surrounding it looked black in comparison except for some reason I was unable to see myself in the bed, as if I were outside the building, up by the roof. Submerged in confusion, I tried to ask for help… I saw the nurse in a room of a distant building I wasn't familiar with given the fact that I had come to this place in a coma at night. I could see everything perfectly. The nurse prepared an injection and I prayed it was for me…but she passed by my room and went to the next. One of the people in that room was about to die. I knew it and it happened a few hours later that same morning. I visualized whatever I wanted to see with an incredible mental and conscious clarity. I saw through the walls, simply by thinking about it. I saw my life pass by and felt the desire to stay in the midst of this immense peace. Something told me, “if you want you can go. you still have a lot left to do. it's your choice”…and I came back. Immediately, my arms were free of paralysis. I lifted my hands to my ears but the sound had already stopped by then… Starting from that day, my life changed 180 degrees. That was only the beginning of my out of body experiences… Today, among other capabilities I have developed, I pass through the veil at will. I travel throughout the universe. I learn information and give help to whomever asks for. I’ve been to hospital for a serious pancreatitis, it has been diagnosed with little life time left for me, my parents were at my bedside, about 02 am on 06/26/2002, I blacked out (everything has been reported by my father who was there). I entered some kind of pre-coma that was expected by the medical staff because of my pathology, and which I would not easily get away alive. What happened in those moments (according to my father, I’ve been unconscious during 6 hours) is incredible!! I passed through a huge and dark tunnel with my body (but much lighter and almost brittle), but darkness was not scary as I was going towards a light at the end of the tunnel that was becoming closer and closer. I passed it lightly and smiling… lovely and warm air on my face and my hair (I particularly remember soft air waving my hair)! I turned my head forward heading to the light as I traveled towards it, quite lying, not as a position but because I was steadily determined to go to the light… The more I approached, the more I felt total wellbeing… I cannot measure time… There is no clock there and a minute may last several hours.. or hours may elapse within a thousand of a second, there is no humanly rationalized time! I only had a temporary disconnection from earthly life during the trip, I could see, from outside of my body and presumably from a ceiling corner, a doctor or a nurse bent over me… my travel was about to end… I felt incredible well-being envelope me, I was in the center of the light!! So much peace… so much love!! So much incredible sense of well-being!! In the middle of the door I recognized my grand-mother who had been dead for six years, and whom I still treasure!! She put her hand on my forehead just at the light entrance… She told me, “Go back…not yet! I’ll always be there waiting for you…don’t worry!” I passed the tunnel back, I perceived that as a thousands of a second, and I opened my eyes…my grand-mother wasn’t there, but my father was striking my forehead and he said to me, “You survived.” I was happily serene and refreshed, during a few days I could not remind much of my travel…but today I’m able to tell you… I did it. Thanks for your attention. I had asked the nurse who was injection me with the Dye for the kidney x-ray to make sure my kidney was ok to Donate to my brother that was having kidney failure. The nurse said we only inject people with 1/2 first to see if they have an allergic reaction. I could feel the serum like a warm track going right to my heart and I knew I was having a reaction., I felt a pain in my heart. and I no longer could move anything or say anything. I heard the nurse scream and push a button on the wall,. Code red or blue? I felt the nurses and doctors trying to revive me. They had put the paddles on me twice but my heart did not start. then the doctor climbed onto my body and tock a large needle and thrust into my check and pushed the plug down I then felt my heart start up. The Amazing thing I was outside of my body looking at myself. The first thing that Happened when I realized I couldn't speak was the I could not blink my eyes. The color went out of everything and turned to Black and white then I was outside of my body looking at myself. I felt like my life had flashed before me. at peace and no pain. When My heart started up I could feel myself go back into my body. I went into a coma and didn't wake up for days. This was the second time I had this happen to me the first time I had cut my arm and I had lost all my blood and my heart stopped, I was brought back to life when the gave me blood. I was hovering over my body. The only thing I remember is when I came back into my body. When the doctor had the nurse check my eyes and I heard the doctor say is he Dead yet? I, and a friend, had arrived within a couple of blocks to my home, when we had decided to explore what had then been a rough-framed home construction. The foundation was laid complete with basement and plywood flooring across what would become the first-level. A rectangular opening to the basement was the only visible void in this surface. We crossed the floor to further examine this opening. There was no staircase in place to reach the basement. As we bent over to look, I had some vertigo and fell head-first to a concrete floor below. According to my friend, I remained still for about ten-minutes, or so. It was during this time, that an impression of light (I do not know how else to clarify it) came to create a complete sense of certainty and knowing. I still yearn for it today, that I come to greater understanding of its secret. For I know it contains all I seek. Anyway, after my friend had descended by a stick-ladder that had been in place of a stair, and brought me to the surface, we went directly to my home to convey the incident to an anxious mother. I was reported to have made nonsensical remarks to questions asked of me. (Including, of my own identity.) I spent three-nights, and days, in a hospital for observation, subsequently released whole and in good working order. Although, my skull was fractured, as one can imagine, the skin was unbroken, and I had no recollection of pain. I remember the doctor declaring he did not know how I had survived the trauma. It cannot be compared to ordinary consciousness, but only in its contrast does one find an idea of its nature. You are not confined to a localized consciousness we experience as sentient, physical beings. Instead, I was encompassed in a gravity of understanding that superseded the need for anything else. I cannot make a proclamation with any more weight than to state that this we accept as existence in a realm of time and space, is of no consequence to my, or anybody's permanence. This, unquestionably, is the effect of the light I found myself in, and as my self. After I suddenly passed-out without warning, I found myself in a black, silent void. I strained to see any light but there was none. There was no sound, no touch, no smell, nothing. I felt totally alone with just my thoughts. I remember thinking “So this is what its like to be dead!” I felt that I was still me but not who I was in life but rather the core essence of who I really am without any ego identity. After a short time I began to feel so lonely that I began to call out. “Is anybody there? Please help me!” I then began to pray to God, “Hello! God! Jesus! Please help me!” Almost immediately I began to sense that I was now moving thru the black void instead of just hanging in place there. I could see a very small bright light in the distance and I was moving towards it. I felt that I was moving at an incredible speed but there was only slight breeze sensation on my face. I raised my hand up or I felt that I raised my hand up in front of my face to see if I could see it but I couldn't. I noticed two things at this time. One was that there was endless streams of little flickering, fluttering dim, little light things on either side of me that were also headed towards the light and #2: I seemed to be able to see 360 degrees in every direction simultaneously. I needed only to will my attention in one direction to concentrate on one thing. I wondered what the flickering, fluttering little lights were so I began to force my will to concentrate on one of them that was closest to me. As I concentrated on it I could see that it was just a dim little light fluttering around like a moth or like Tinkerbell from Peter Pan except not as bright. Then to my surprise I heard or rather telepathically heard it say in the voice of a little girl- “Mommy what is he looking at?” Then the other little glob of light next to it said in the voice of an adult woman- “He's looking at us dear. “The little girl asked, “Why?” and the mother said, “He's just curious. He wants to see what we look like. “We were getting closer to the light in the distance and as we got nearer it got bigger and brighter. Then I began to notice that I was slowing down. I also noticed that I could hear something. I remember thinking “What is hearing?” and relearning that concept. I then thought “I hear sounds!” and relearned what sounds were. “They're not just sounds they are voices!” and I relearned what voices were. They're not just making sounds they're speaking words!” and I relearned what speaking words meant. They're not just saying words, they're saying a name! and I relearned what a name was. They're not just saying a name, they're saying my name! As soon as I came to that realization-BOOM-I was back in my body and opening my eyes. My body was soaked in a cold sweat. I was surrounded by nurses who were saying my name and rubbing my hands and arms. My reclining chair was reclined so far back that my head was practically on the floor with my feet in the air. My shirt was completely unbuttoned and there was some kind of clear gel on my chest. A doctor was standing next to me holding two shock paddles attached to a crash cart defibrillator. He said, “Whew! We thought we had lost you there. Your heart was stopped for 2 and 1/2 minutes. “As I gathered my composure, I looked around the room at the others who were there pumping out their blood and the looks on their faces were as if they had just seen a ghost! I felt as if I could read their thoughts and the overriding thought being expressed was “Let me out of here! I didn't know you could die from this!” For a period of about one year after the event I felt like I had special psychic abilities. I could sense things before they happened. I felt I ould read and empathize with other people's deepest feelings. And I could sometimes, sense spirits and sometimes communicate with them. I also have the certain knowledge that there is a life after death because I experienced it. I was clinically dead for two and a half minutes. Your core essence continues on. No name, no identity, no ego but you do continue after this life. It's no longer a hope or a belief, it is a knowing. That is immensely comforting! I found myself walking in a valley. I remember words coming into my mind - so this is the valley of the shadow….. There was a white mist surrounding me. I was unable to see through it except that they was a brilliant white light - as if the sun was shining behind the clouds. I floated into the air and looked down (at myself). The words or 'voice in the back of my mind said we can't have this. There's a little girl I have to get back to / or words to that effect. I was that voice, a 'still small voice'. In my mind I somehow 'folded' into myself and was inside my body again. I was never frightened at any time - just intensely curious. When I was 8 years old my parents decided to have some blood tests done on me to see if I was ill. We went to a clinic near our home and after they took my blood, I passed out due to low blood pressure, according to the doctors who attended me. After a certain time went by, I lost consciousness, but the magnificent thing was that during that period of unconsciousness I entered into an arc of light. It was like traveling through thousands of luminous arcs, extremely beautiful, their radiance seemed to increase during the time I traveled through them. The landscape was illusory, it was a true delight to see that world. Everybody there was young. There were all races present, including some that had an orange skin, the color of bronze. But seeing those people wasn't the most surprising thing. Rather it was that their bodies seemed to be made of porcelain, not because of the color but because their skin was so soft and smooth. I remember this because my grandma had some small statues made of a material that was similar. But the people there even seemed to have a subtle shining light around them. One person who looked like a woman of medium height asked me what I was doing there. I answered that I didn't know, that I had suddenly appeared from among some immense bushes as the pathway opened to me while trying to get to where I heard voices. At that point, with great delicacy and tenderness, she told me: “You don't belong to this world. At the time you have chosen you will come here like everyone else. We'll take care of this with the gentlemen you see standing over there.” She pointed with her finger towards some men whose faces I could see. There were three of them. The three had an “M” carved on their belts and there were symbols on their ivory colored clothing I could not understand. From among them emerged a woman with impressive beauty. She shone with a unique resplendence. She was different from the others. She seemed to understand with a glance what had happened and what was going on there. She was indescribable, truly indescribable. Even today I can remember the quantity of lights that were given off by her clothing. Recollecting it well, the difference between the clothing of the others was that they were very light with pastel colors while her clothing gave off sparks. It was as if the sparks were suspended in the air with lights made up of thousands of colors around her. Little by little she approached us. She was about 7 meters from where I was with the other person. She wore a jet-black gown that contrasted with the garments of everyone else. It was a long gown, like the ones worn by royalty during the 14th or 15th century. When she got closer, I could see that her gown shone with a special light. It was like black light. Her gown, seen closer, wasn't made of cloth. It seemed to be made of energy, something very special. When she got right to were we were I could see that her garment or gown was made of thousands of tiny universes or galaxies that got lost in the darkness of the black space of her garment. I think this is going to sound very crazy but that's how it was made. It was as if thousands of universes or galaxies were revolving and revolving around themselves. They revolved around themselves and at the same time a brilliant light emanated from the breast of that person. Her hair was the color of silver, and had extremely large blue-gray eyes and an extremely tender countenance. She didn't give the least sign of being angry. She moved as if floating and when she got to where we were, she raised her hand in greeting. She didn't speak. She seemed to express herself mentally, everything arrived in my mind clearly nd I only remember her saying: “Little mortal, what are you doing in this place. You have commitments to keep in the worlds of time and space.” I didn't know what to say. She was extremely beautiful. She seemed to know everything and this was infused into me. Everyone knew her and seemed to adore her, or rather love her. I was paralyzed, completely paralyzed. I didn't know what to say. She looked at me with much tenderness and taking one of her arms from out of the folds of her clothing which were more like strands of energy, she touched my shoulder and said, “Come. It is the will of the Highest that, for some reason, you have come temporarily to this place. Let's find out why.” I asked her, “Who are you and what will happen to me?” To which she replied, “Don't be afraid my son. Some day you will return to this place and you, as millions of other creatures of this and other dominions, will begin a journey to know the person who has given you the gift of having your own personality.” “Who is it,” I asked? She answered, “you won't understand yet but I can tell you it is he who sustains us with a thought, he who gives light to the suns that they may sustain all created by and in himself.” For my part, I didn't say anything. It is only now, as an adult, that I believe I understand that situation a bit more. I didn't notice that time transpired. We were in what seemed like an enormous meadow with immense green fields. The colors, above all else, seemed infused with light that gave them an even stronger hue. There was no sun. I looked everywhere but the light seemed to emanate from somewhere or more accurately from everywhere. By taking the beings hand we arrived at a type of crystal structure. It was made totally of crystal. When I saw it I thought touching it would break it because it was a very thin crystal. When we entered, I could see that the rooms didn't have brick walls. They seemed constructed of energy or a type of gelatin that shone. They were translucent and I could see through the walls. Inside these walls were other people. They all looked to be adolescents gathered at a round table with one of the beings with the letter M teaching them something. Everybody we ran into in the the passages or corridors were very young people. They seemed to know the person who was leading me by the hand. They all greeted her and I remember that they said to her, “Glory to the Highest who gave and gives your morning stars.” She responded with a bow. As we were about to arrive at an enormous door, we stopped and she said, “By the will of the Lord we desire to know” and the doors automatically opened. These doors were also made of energy that looked like gelatin, but they shone brightly. They were the color of blue sky. I touched one of the doors with my hand and a slight shiver went through my body. When I looked at my hand I wasn't prepared to see through it. I remember that this surprised me so much that I released the hand of the person who was taking me. She immediately touched my head as if caressing me and I felt an enormous peace and comfort. I felt a gentle warmth and peace, much peace. We went through the door and there appeared an enormous mirror. Very large. Just as we when through the entry I could see thousands of lights, millions of stars. It was as if suspended in space. When the door closed after us, the enclosure remained sealed and the lights began to shine more. Everything seemed to move. I could see that the person who had my hand began to shine more with an enormous intensity. That black light I described she had at the beginning began transforming itself into white light, an enormous white light and emanated from her breast and seemed to communicate with all the other lights. I could only hear whispers until a strong, clear voice said with seriousness, “The small mortal belongs to a mixture of the blue race and the bronze race and belongs to the universe of things created by Micael de Salgton. He should return.” At that moment the person who held my hand said to me: “At some point in our future you will see us here again. Nothing is revealed about your strange appearance in this place. We anxiously await the time when you will be embraced with love by your interior light. Return to your birth world.” At the moment these words were uttered I was absorbed by one of the lights and felt that I fell into a kind of void. All the lights shone with such an intensity that everything was white, brilliantly white, until I arrived at the place where I awoke. When I came to, I saw my mother at my side. I didn't know what had happened, I only felt my mouth was dry and was very thirsty. When I recuperated, about 30 minutes later, we left the hospital and I didn't tell anyone what had happened for fear they would think me crazy or that they would make me undergo some painful examination. Now, after years and reflection, I know that what happened was real and I anxiously await the day when my internal light will embrace me and carry me back there once again, but this time, I think, on a journey of no return. I remember I was floating on the ceiling and I could see myself laying on the table at the hospital and the doctor and nurses were working on me. My husband and sister were there and I saw my sister take my hand and say, “she is so cold”. She later said she did say that. I can hardly describe in words the feelings I had. I felt so good and I did not want to go back into that body. I felt light and wonderful, like a great weight had been been lifted from me. I seemed to feel something or someone over my left shoulder but didn't turn to see because I was concentrating so much on not returning into my body. It is just impossible to describe the way I felt. It was not a long time before I was back in my body. I had six children at home that I loved very much and my husband I adored, but even so, there was no thought of them. I just wanted to stay out of my body. I saw beams of light and thought, am I dead? thought of and looked for a tunnel that everyone sees. no tunnel, but I walked to the light. seems like I walked for a long time. then I thought I was dreaming but I kept walking towards the light. saw my deceased father with his arms outstretched. my deceased niece was there also. She had been killed in an auto accident a few years earlier. A coworker was sitting down, smiling at me. She died from breast cancer. There was an older woman with her profile turned so I could not see her face. She was dressed in a long black dress with a full white apron. Period clothing from the 1800's. She wore a white bonnet. I walked towards her, wanting to see her face. When I reached out to turn her around, my experience ended. I woke up in neuro icu and remembered my journey. At the age of fifteen I attempted suicide. I drank a lot of alcohol and took bottles and bottles of pills. This sounds funny but I changed my mind and decided I really did not want to die. I called an ambulance about the time my mother found the empty pill bottles and started screaming. My dad, retired army, drove me to the hospital on the local army base. I must have been going in and out of consciousness because the next thing I know I am on a table in a room. There are people all around me moving around. A nurse is shoving a tube down my throat. I am gagging and the nurse is screaming, “Don't bite me, you'd better not bite me.” A man is is screaming at me asking me what pills I took. Some time later a nurse is screaming at me saying, “What were the red pills. You have to tell me what the red pills are!” I wonder why everyone has to scream. Later I wake up to hear someone talking about kidney damage. A man is sitting beside me. A kind looking black man. I tell him I don't want to die and he says, “Don't worry, you're not going to die.” I ask him to to hold my hand. He does. I ask him not to leave me and he says he won't. At some point, I'm really not sure if it was before or after all this, I realize I am looking down on a scene. I see a nurse standing beside someone on a gurney. I have this surreal feeling. I am very calm…lacking any emotion. Everything is very clear and in slow motion. I see my mom, dad and sister standing beside the person on the gurney. I don't immediately recognize them as my family until I ask myself who these people are. I see the people talking but I can't hear them. I wonder to myself who is on the gurney and why my family is there. I hover there watching but I'm not sure for how long. There seems to be no sense of time. I just remembered this. You know how you can feel the slight movement of air around your body? No matter where you are there is some movement of air or change in temperature. When I was floating above there was no air movement or temperature of any kind. There was a complete absence of those things. Then several things happen simultaneously. I hear something like warning bells going off. A steady ding, ding, ding. I see the people looking alarmed. My dad is wringing his hands. The nurse starts to push the gurney. My first thought is, hmmmmmmm, this is interesting. Like watching a movie. Then I realize that it's me on the gurney and that I am above everyone. I think, I'm not suppose to be up here! The next thing I remember I am waking up in ICU hooked up to a heart monitor and all kinds of equipment. On my way to a camping trip in the Smokey Mountains I had a severe front tire blow out. The car was going around a curve at the top of the mountain and the only barrier was a guard rail. This was the only thing between the vehicle and CERTAIN death. My best friend was in the passenger seat as I was driver. She is a devout catholic, I am not. Not even catholic. The blowout was loud and violent as we rounded the curve. I lost control of the vehicle immediately as we hit loose gravel. I knew this was it. The end. Certain death. I looked at my friend as she was busy w/the Hail Mary's and turned back to the road to see how many seconds I had left to live. I judged 2 maybe 3 at the most. As I looked at the edge of the mountain I was slammed out of my body. It was instant and it was real. The next thing I knew I was standing in what seemed to be a circular room with with MASSIVE movie screens at a complete 360. All time seemed to stop however my life review seemed to take mere seconds. Everything I had ever done, good or bad. Every one I had ever know no matter how important or trivial. All my life experiences played out in a matter of fleeting seconds. In my mind I heard or felt a voice. A Godly voice. A Holy voice. I felt the kindness and was explained to me that judgment of my life was up to me. There would be no retribution. I was responsible for my life as I was for my judgment of my life. I'd been up to that a point a pretty good soul. Never hurt anyone or anything, always trying to help, to be the best person I could be. The review was surprising as it was pleasant. I remember smiling during this review for the most part. It past so quickly but I felt all emotions as I had originally felt them only in light speed. It was almost like watching a movie on fast forward, As quickly as it had begun I was slammed back into my body. Time returned exactly where I stepped out. 3 seconds…2 seconds and then the most amazing thing happened. The car came to a complete stop. I couldn't understand. We were skidding on gravel. FAST. But it just stopped. I poured out of the car barely breathing on my hands & knees. I looked at the edge. The tires were less than 2 inches from the edge. Something stopped that car but it wasn't me. All I remember is that I felt my spirit leaving my body, I saw people around my body working on it and the nurses and doctors were starting CPR. I also saw a bright light and was drawn to it. As I got closer to the path I was on I was met by a woman that I felt that I knew. She talked to me in telling me that it was not my time to join her. I called her by name, and she was amazed that I knew her. She was my fathers sister, Ann who had passed away for many years. I remember telling her that I wanted to stay because it seem so nice and peaceful and that it didn't hurt anymore. She told me that I needed to stay here with my Mother and Father, for God had a plan for me and that I need to fulfill this plan. I asked her what it could be and she said that one day, my daughter would come to me with a problem and that she would need me. Being 4 years of age, I did not understand that but she told me that I had to go back into my body, I had to see my Mother and Father again. She also said that I was to be comforting my Father when he passed on to the Other Side. I then felt someone or something pushing me into my body. I was arguing about the pushing and was trying to run into the light at the end of the path. No matter where I went I got pushed further and further until I gave up and returned to my body. The last thing I remember was that my Aunt Ann telling me that it will be many many years that will pass until I am able to make my journey on the path again. And not to worry, the next time that I will make the journey I will not be successful. As I remember this it is comforting that I am not ready to cross over. And, if and when I do, I know that it is a peaceful place I will go too. I was swimming in cold, ocean water off La Jolla “Bird Rock” beach. My swim buddies were returning to shore as it was way too cold for comfort. Only one friend, Ted, had had the good sense to wear a wetsuit. As I attempted to follow, I was caught in a severe rip-tide. It pulled me both out to sea and north, rapidly. My swim buddies were already climbing up on shore as I tried and tried to swim toward them. Soon, I was completely exhausted, more than two hundred yards from where I had started to struggle and found I was unable to swim, paddle or even stay afloat. My friends were much too far away now to help me. I managed to yell “help” once and then realized I was done. I could not be sure they could even see me from where they were, much less hear my pathetic call. I began to ponder the discomfort of drowning in the cold water. At first it hurt to swallow the water. In short order it became tolerable and then I began to sink, the waves breaking over my head. As I resigned myself to my fate, I found myself suddenly in this brightly lit tunnel. I remained in a watery environment but, the water was no longer freezing and uncomfortable but, warm and natural. I was gently deposited on the edge of a smooth, cement-like, pool-sidelike decking. It was very bright, very warm, tropical but, also very foggy. I could not see beyond a few feet but, I recognized this place as home and knew home was just to the left of me, somewhere beyond the fog. I was aware that being on Earth was a mission, not the end-all reason for being. I was so relieved to be home. I anxiously waited to be contacted and knew my friends/family would soon appear. As I relaxed on the edge of the deck, I was aware of a small voice, behind me, calling my name. I did not want to turn around and acknowledge it for fear that I might not be able to remain. The voice became more and more incessant. I knew somehow if I did not turn around I would not have to go back. I also suspected if I did, I would. For some reason the voice finally compelled me to turn and face it. Wham! I was suddenly back in the cold, ocean water struggling for my life. My friend Ted swam to where I was. For him to have reached me several hundred yards from the shore he had been on would have taken him many minutes under the conditions. That means I was underwater for over ten minutes. I was so angry at him for pulling me back from home. I had no reason to have regenerated the strength to swim again, so it made no sense to me that I was suddenly able to swim back to shore. Still, with Ted encouraging me, I somehow swam back and collapsed on the shore. Since then, I have no fear of death. I have faced many dangerous situations as a police officer both before and after without fear. But, knowing there is really no such thing as death does make a huge difference. Thursday February 27, 2003 My father was driving me the doctor because I couldn't breathe. Impatient with his slow driving I asked him to pull over and use his cell phone to dial 911. The ambulance arrived and they began treating me en route to the hospital, my dad followed the ambulance in his car. I remember the EMT trying to hand me the nebulizer tube, which I had never used or seen I kept pushing his hand away saying it wouldn't help. Just before loosing consciousness, I heard the EMT remark about my sweatshirt (St Louis Rams) I was afraid they would cut it (?) like they do on TV. I was admitted into the hospital, without gaining consciousness, directly from the E.R. My father told me later that when he arrived at the emergency room, the hospital's Chaplain came out to sit with him. Apparently, this was rather unsettling for him. I had an “emergency intubation” and was connected to a ventilator in the ICU. My lungs were constricted and wouldn't function normally. I had only one brief NDE. I was looking at myself, from above, there were no other people around me I saw the blue ventilator tube in my mouth. That's all! I remember briefly waking to see my daughter and boyfriend at my bedside. I couldn't talk because of the tube but I motioned, or so I thought, for a tablet and pen so I could relate my experience. They staff thought I was trying to remove my IV and restrained my arms. I went back to slumber land. When they woke me up, five days later, there were no mirrors where I could have seen the equipment and when the nurse removed the tube she was very quick to get it away because I guess it's not a pleasant sight. During the delivery of my youngest child, I saw myself turn a grayish color, my Doctor instructed the nurses give me an injection, they couldn't seem to find a vein that worked. He asked them to put a page over the intercom requesting any Doctors in the hospital to come to the delivery room. Another Doctor arrived. My deceased Father, who passed away the month before, was on the left side and slightly back of my Doctor. My Father was also very concerned, I felt so at peace I wanted to go with him. I had a life review and knew everything in an instance. Then I was told that my children needed me and I should stay here. Next I remembered the nurses saying hold your baby, hold your baby. My Father was gone. As the nurse wheeled my bed back to a room the asked me what was it like? I felt it was a very private experience and did not answer them. later I told my husband, and then my Doctor. I was rushed to the hospital. Approximately 1 hour later I whispered to my husband to take care of our children. Almost immediately I found myself floating on the ceiling of the room and looking down at my body on the bed. I remember watching my husband run out of the room yelling for help. Then I was floating in what seemed like a tunnel. I could see white light in the distance. As I got closer to the light I experienced a tremendous sense of peace. I don't know whether or not I actually saw friends or family but there was a vague sense that they surrounded me. It was a wonderful feeling and I remember thinking that it would be nice to stay there forever. A voice came to me then, and said it wasn't time for me to stay, and that I needed to “go back”. The next thing I remember was lying back in bed surrounded by medical staff. They gave me oxygen and were pounding on my chest. Once I was fully conscious, they gave me several pints of blood. My doctor told me that he thought they had lost me. I was at work during a power plant overhaul, sandblasting and painting. I was on a fifteen minute break and stood up, when my left side went numb and tingled, I had trouble breathing and talking, the paramedics on site came and thought that I was having a reaction to paint or solvent. I was taken to the local clinic where it couldn't be determined what was happening, at that point I couldn't speak…it was gibberish and I knew it. From there I started to deteriorate, so they transferred me to a hospital 35 miles away. By that time I was showing symptoms, some kind of overdose possibly from amphetamines, they assumed from my actions ( excited, frantic, hostile) one minute and the next comatose. At the Price Hospital they gave me a syringe of valium to no effect. They gave me another and another. I started to crash…they put me in another ambulance to go to another Hospital 180 miles away saying there was nothing they could do. They said I would be DOA. Twenty minutes out in the ambulance I died, I quit breathing and my heart stopped. The paramedic in back with me was my friend and he freaked and yelled to the driver to stop. Together they started CPA and got my heart going again slowly 10 beats per minute. At that time I shot out of my body like a roaring train straight up not stopping to ponder my body down below. I went to the light via a revolving tornado…inside was dark at first and I went through all the negative (bad) things that I had ever done in my life and was stripped of it. forgiven instantly and continued up toward the light. Negative deeds pulled me down and positive pulled me up. There, on a horizon were shadows that turned to shapes of people, my grandmother and aunt Carrie appeared and I realized how young my Aunt looked. I was eight when she died…she was twenty seven. Also my grandmother was young and not crippled. I was so happy to see them. They escorted me over to the crowds of people and I was crying… I was so happy to see them hundreds of them. I was telling them that I hadn't seen them for ages, How could I ever had forgotten them, etc. I later realized that I had never seen any of them before, except my grandmother and aunt. Then I found myself on the dark side of the light, there was a barrier of lace and on the other side it was so warm and bright. I heard in my head, “what is your answer?” I said, “no I can't go because of my kids, ages 9 and 14, they need me!” He acknowledged it…and gave me knowledge, that I would have to go back and suffer greatly but he would let me go back for a while. I next became aware of coming back into my body, my family was around me and I told them what happened. Since then I have had both a good life and an agonizing one. I have had cancer twice and fifteen other operations for various maladies and illnesses, but have managed to be happy. I am not afraid to die, I have always longed for it when it comes. I am psychic and intuitive at times. I know that we are but cells in the body of Christ, we are truly part of God. All we do that is good is positive, no matter how small, and all that we do that is bad is negative. Positive energy never dies and continues to go on and on. That is what I believe. I was traveling towards an almost globe of light (a bubble) that I knew contained all that was known, it was very intense and attractive, there is nothing more powerful in needing to return back to this, in what I have come to believe is our, before and after life's home, a dimension of energy of all that is, and all that is in are universe. We are all as one, yet as singular as we are in this physical journey, though without the knowledge of everything and the ability of all conceivable and unconceivable conceptual knowledge. In other words, man in all of our knowledge we are not even yet infants in what I sensed from seeing into this light. As I was traveling through this very dark void I became aware of three other entities. The closet one was traveling beside me, though his being (upper self) was half way up to my waist an his lower extremities were below my legs. The second entity was just below this one close's to me and further out; the third entity was at least two to three body lengths further below the second entity. In my mind I was communicated to by the first close's entity, who spoke to me (telepathy) that it was not my time and that I had a very long life to live. The way this first entity communicated with me was so unbelievably loving, that the expression of his face that I cannot remember anymore was so kind and sincere that even though I wanted to continue towards this globe of light, the understanding of complete compassion of what I felt from this person overtook my urgency to travel any further. I will always remember this signature feeling of love when I meet him again, where time does not count. Anyways I lived my life kind of reckless, not suicidal (I believe we are here for a purpose) what you expect if your told you would have a long life and boy have I taken those words apart and played with them many of times over the years. But when I had an accident in the early 90’s, as I had many, that when this unbelievable accident was occurring (though I am not at all afraid of death) I called out loud “god don’t let me die” three times, and I didn’t. I learned from this last major accident (what happened, the odds of what I was destroying in this last accident could never be duplicated) that I was not being very smart, in that I was told I had a long life but what does that really mean, being a paraplegic, or without limbs. I guess it took a long time to get smart. After being hit from behind by a drunk driver at 3:55am on hwy I-10 in Southern California, while laying on the side of the hwy and before the ambulance arrived, having been seriously injured…a very real and clear mans voice asked if I was ready to go. I answered no, I needed to say good-by to my 2 children and not put them through this at this time. Before I heard his voice: I was walking down a dark street, I kind recall seeing the area before. I felt lost and it was getting late,” knew I should be home before now”. as I turned the corner, I saw the cutest little house, all lit up and the yard, with a white picked fence was full of people, all welcoming me. They were so glad to see me. I felt my deceased father's presence, but not clear which person he was in the large group…there was so much love and warmth. a wonderful feeling. the best place I'd ever been/seen. and felt so loved. Then when I heard the voice, and answered NO, the scene was gone. Until I said NO, I felt no pain from my 2 broken femurs, broken hip, fractured ribs, arm partially torn off, cuts to face…from being ejected from my pick-up and thrown over 200ft from the impact. Was hit from behind by car traveling over 100mph with no headlights on. As soon as I answered the man's question, I felt no pain, was warm, secure, comfortable…then the pain started, couldn't move any part of my body. blood everywhere and the ambulance had arrived and was trying to move me… I was never scared I was trying to tell the nurse that I couldn't breathe but, I couldn't speak. Everything went black and I could feel myself drifting away, like a sinking feeling almost. I heard a voice say “we're losing her.” then there was a sound almost like static on a TV. with no reception. I found myself looking down at all the commotion. It seemed like I was about ten feet above myself. I could see the doctors and nurses hooking me up to monitors and working on me. All in a frenzy. I began being drawn further up, until everything was black again. I found myself in a standing position, however it was more like floating. I could feel someone next to me. I didn't have to see them, they were there to guide me, and did so. I turned around and saw a light in the distance. I was unsure of were we were going but my guide was there and I was comforted by them. We began going toward the light at first I thought we were going through a tunnel but, I began looking around I saw silhouettes of people. It was pitch black and the silhouettes were of a bright purple. I thought look at all these people to many to give an estimate. I turned forward again my guide and I traveled closer to the light which was bigger and brighter than ever. We soon reached a point were we stopped. My guide stood next to me. This light was brighter than the sun. A wonderful glowing luminous white light. I stood there with a feeling ,and the best way I can describe it is, the gut feeling you have when you are scared but, knowing you are not. I felt scared without being scared or afraid. I was calm. I knew that if I walked through the light I would have the answers to everything I ever wanted to know. This light was love, life, and serenity I could feel all this. I never heard a word spoken. You could feel what you needed to know, and what was being communicated to you. It was with feelings, not words. I had my choice. Without words I decided, I had a six month old baby I couldn't leave. I woke up a couple of days later in I.C.U. As a result of the rapid loss of blood, the amount of time that I remained conscious after the fall was only a few minutes. I have very clear memories of the moments leading up to and after my transition from this plane to the next. Miraculously I suffered very little head trauma as a result of the fall. I distinctly remember going into shock as the blood poured from the severed arteries in my arm. The feeling of my life slipping away became more apparent as I felt the extreme cold come over me as my breathing became more and more shallow. The people at the scene of the accident were all telling me to stay calm and keep my eyes open. Oddly, I don't remember being anything but calm. I did feel an intense fear of the unknown that I was about to face and at the prospect of never seeing my wife and children again, but that feeling passed rather quickly. I remember taking my last breath and then instantly my entire spectrum of existence changed completely. All the coldness I was feeling while I lay there bleeding to death was replaced with the warmest feeling I have ever known. Not the heat that could be associated with Hell, but a warmth from within my being. I no longer felt dread or fear or any other emotion I had experienced in a physical realm. I can only describe it as a sense of peace and well being. It's amazing the pressures we feel everyday just by being alive in our mortal bodies. It's only when these pressures are completely lifted from our existence that our souls are able to experience real peace and tranquility. At the same time I felt all these changes occur I also experienced an existence without the burdens of an Earthly body. The senses that replaced sight sound and smell felt like one sense of all inclusive awareness. There was no need for physical interaction as all levels of experience were not felt or spoken, but simply known. The function of sight did not exist as I had known while in my body. Everything that I perceived as existing could be experienced as the most intense light I could possibly imagine. I remember it as being a hundred times brighter than the sun, but it was not painful to experience. I had the sense that the light was responsible for everything I had been a part of since leaving my Earthly body. I don't know if I can describe this source of light as God or Jesus or any other divine being. It was far deeper than we can describe in Earthly terms or feelings. I had an awareness of this “source” that needed absolutely no means of conveyance or communication. I had become a part of this “source” to the extent of oneness. Maybe I had become part of this “source”. The thing I remember the most is how distant I had become from the physical body. When we express as humans the hope to one day be reunited with departed friends and family there is no way to explain how we will truly be together again. The reunion is not as Father and Son or as our dear friend. It's as if our souls are part of an atom that had been split with all the destructive force of the universe and then suddenly come back to form a single atom again. This atom somehow contained every experience ever thought felt or imagined. Nothing ever beckoned me to the light or tried to persuade me to come or go. Our souls just know where we belong. And as fast and beautiful this transition had occurred it was over. My accident had occurred on Friday April 4th of 2003. I regained consciousness on Monday April 7th. Since that day I have felt an emptiness that I can only guess comes from having been exposed to this plane that truly liberates our souls from the rigors of mortal existence. Upon my return from death, I cried when I hugged my family, my parents, children, wife, and dear friends. I cried not because I had missed them, because everything I had gone through seemed to last nly minutes. I cried because I had absolute knowledge that there is a beautiful awareness that will follow this life and regardless of our experience in an Earthly body our souls will exist in way that human thoughts and words simply can't do justice. When I was 16 years old I was driving home with my dad from the mall. When we got side swiped by a passing speeding car changing lanes to fast. We got pushed into a transport trailer and dragged under for about 200 feet. My dad was almost not injured the car hit on his side but we hit the transport on mine (3 lanes of traffic on the Queensway). I was pretty much in and out of it threw most of the time spent still in the car, emergency crews trying to get me out into the ambulance, my dad was already gone in another. Once I was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital I was more alert and taking to the paramedics. (this is why I now never forget to where medical alert) I was in a lot of pain and I remember one of the paramedics saying to me “you’re a lucky kid you know that” and he then prepped a syringe and gave me a shot of medication, not knowing I have a very serious deadly reaction to penicillin, and the drug he gave me had some in it, (helps fight bacteria in the blood stream after one suffers from large deep wounds) it was only a matter of a few seconds when my vision went dark, and I could not breath, I could still hear the paramedics too. They where freaking out. Suddenly I felt as if I could breathe again, no effort. And I could see a small white light in the center of my vision, kind of at the end of a tunnel with an orange glow. I started to move threw, I thought, I’m dead and that’s it. I had no sensation of the pain I felt before, completely out of body, but 100% concusses. Then I remember seeing an image in my head, something told me and imprinted I guess, the know how of what I was seeing, and it was crazy as it is, the universe. Kind of like a giant bluish see-through egg, with millions and billions of light points, different colors, on the out side and inner. All connected by darker blue links, full of different kinds of life, I only saw this for a second or two but knew the “Scientifics” to it, its very hard to explain. The next thing was that I was back in the “tunnel” all different colors now, colors I haven’t see before, maybe not on “OUR” spectrum. There was also too a genital chiming noise, with a tune to it, it was comforting. The colors seemed to change with the notes. This experience at this point gave me a sense of energy, and happiness, not to fear anything, that all is going as its are suppose to. I also had the sense that I knew the answer to everything, I was aw struck that I knew “everything” but it made me feel more and more content. I remember seeing the silhouette of someone at the end of the tunnel. He was speaking to me in emotions threw thought, again, feeling more comfort and happiness. When I got to the end of the tunnel it was like a big white room with a bright glow to it, and there was the light close in front of me. I looked at the person in this room with me and it was my old friend Brydon, that died 5 years earlier in a boating accident, but he looked my age. I remember him saying me again with thought, “mistakes are made… he made one, and he’ll pay with his job. This is not your time yet Dan, I’ll see you later”. And walked into the light. Almost at the second I was “warped” back down the tunnel, this time I seemed to fall into one of the light points on the giant egg, it became difficult to breath again, and my normal vision came back, I could hear the sirens again and the paramedics. I remember hearing one yell “ he’s back, he’s back” and seeing the other with paddles. I’ve only disused this experience with my parents and my close friend Jesse. People look at you weird when you say these kinds of things. I would say that I have lost about 25% of the knowledge I gained in my experience most of that being the knowledge I seemed to gain surrounding “Time”. My vision is sharper, I can see things more 3d like now as well I have a eighten sense of hearing. On a few occasions I’ve have precognitions. Sensed a phone call, knew I was going to see someone that day, knew when bad things where about to happen, good things as well. The other scary thing about my experience is that following the accident. About 2 weeks later, I found out the paramedic that used the drug on me lost his job. As well clocks don’t keep time around me anymore, it’s a curse, I live alone in an apartment now, 5 clocks have to be corrected weekly. I’m sharing this with you after reading Kelly K's NDE, I'd like to get a chance to discuss more details with her. I remember suddenly being aware that I was 'floating' above a bed and when I looked down it was me laying there. It was not in any way troubling. I did not see a tunnel or light or any other beings with me but I was totally at peace. It was very pleasant and comfortable. I watched as two medical personnel came in and began discussing whether to debribe the wound with a copper brush or water. I remember thinking if I were still in that body I wanted them to use water! As this was going on I was floating slightly above them then I just thought about moving up and there I was, hovering just above the light fixture. I remember reading the little identification sticker on the upper side of the lamp fixture but I don't remember what it said. For some reason I thought it was really neat to be able to just float there and read such a dumb thing. I did not see any boundaries or objects around myself, just a sort of gray fog. But it was a friendly gray fog - not frightening at all. The next thing I knew I was in the recovery room, back in my body and with my whole face bandaged up. I told the doctor that I heard what they were discussing about the brush or the water but he did not believe me. I also told him exactly where the little sticker was on the upper side of the overhead light and he just brushed it off and said I could not know that. He said I had come very near to not being revived and was just dreaming, but I know better. Before that experience I had always feared death more than anything else in the world. I never went to ANY funerals because of that fear. After the experience I have never again feared death. I do not want to die but I am absolutely certain that we DO continue and it is a very pleasant experience. I felt no pain during the experience and did feel great peace. It was also a lot of fun just being able to 'float' anywhere I wanted to. I was being dragged (my spirit) by my two personal angels, light beings, by both arms, between them. I did not go thru a tunnel of light, I was immediately there. They helped me across a long white bridge. To my left about halfway across the bridge was a large city made of light. The colors were silver blue, white, and silver. It looked like crystal light. I was getting better as we approached the end of the bridge, and entered into a large white dome at the end of the bridge. I sat there as my two personal or guardian angels communicated with the others seated on the circumference of the interior of the dome. The communication was telepathic. I heard the voices, but did not speak. I knew that they were talking about me. They were deciding if I should be admitted into the city and then into the heavens, or return to earth. The general consensus among the beings there, including my two guardians, was that I should stay. A leader among them stood and asked me directly “You have free will, and the choice to stay or return to earth is yours.” I said ” I have a daughter that must know who I am , and also earth is in a lot of darkness right now. They need as many people with good heartedness within them alive and on earth right now. For these reasons I would like to return and complete my mission.” Immediately I felt renewed strength. I stood and was guided by four guardian angels from the dome. As I passed the city I could sense all of them there. I sent love from my heart to them. I felt at least 10,000 other hearts return that love to me. This made me even more renewed as I left with my four guardian angels, two on each side of me. I woke up in I.C.U. after that. There were birds on my window sill there. The doctors said that it was unusual for them to be there in the winter snow and cold winds, but that they were there the whole time I was. I was then moved into a regular hospital room for three days of observation. I could feel that I had angel wings on my back, so I sat up in bed for three days so I would not lay down on my invisible wings. They were the same color as the city I had seen. After three days, the feeling of the wings went away, and my wife came and picked me up for the trip home. I still have diabetes, and three other diseases. I completed massage school but have been too ill after working for nine months at that position. I go up and down in my health but I did get to meet my daughter at her older age, and she knows who I am. I told her about my experiences, and her mother and her family think that I am crazy. My daughter is 12 this May, and she thinks I am crazy too . But I guess I am still alive to serve the greater good. I have a good heart and have always worked in service of others as a profession. I hope that this helps others in facing their challenges in life. I am still in a lot of physical pain each day, but I believe it is serving a higher purpose. I don't know what all the answers are but this has been my experience. Thank you for allowing me to share it. I was drunk and in a black out. I drove my car to the drug house to get some crack. I remember getting out of the car and asking a Hispanic man for rock/crack. The next thing that happened I was punched from behind in the nose. I hit the dirt. I always carried a buck knife and he took it from me. That's all I can remember about the assault. The next thing that happened, all of a sudden I was on a beach sitting on a drift log with a little girl that was about 15-16 years old. She was wearing dark blue shorts and a white sleeveless shirt. She was tan, green eyes brown curly hair and a killer smile. I was looking at her, she was looking at me smiling. This was as real as anything you can think of. I could smell the salt air, feel the sun on my skin, wind in my hair. For some reason I knew I was getting the s*&$ kicked out of me so, I got up from the drift log, I was sitting on. I started to walk away form the girl that was sitting next to me thinking that I had to try to find myself because I was getting the s*&$ kicked out of me. As I walked away the girl yelled out to me, BRIAN! IF YOU LEAVE NOW YOUR GOING TO SEE AND FEEL THINGS YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO SEE AND FEEL! I stopped walking but did not turn around. Then she said in a nice voice, “You need to stay here with me and when its time to go I will let you know.” I turned around and walked back to the drift log and sat down next to the girl again. She just looked at me and smiled and held my hand. The next thing that happened it was night time, the girl was standing, I was standing, looking at each other and she said, “Brian it's time for you to go.” The next thing that happened I was in the E.R. laying on a bed with my entire family standing around me. I asked where am I? My sister said that I was in the hospital, I had been stabbed 27 times and my neck slashed three times and that they don't know how or why I'm still alive! Some lady walking her dog at 6:00 am found me laying behind a dumpster In a pool of blood! That means I was stabbed 27 times about 9:00 pm and was not found until 6:00 am the next day! That's 9 hours! When the EMT people found me they said I had hardly had a pulse but that I snapped to and told them my name and my mom's phone number and then passed out. The doc told me that I had no blood In my body and that he doesn't know how I survived all that time and that I should be dead! They don't know how something like this didn't kill me. I feel totally blessed that I'm here. I have no fear to die now cause I know where I'm going. Also I'm left with a feeling that everyone that has ever been is there and that everyone that will ever be gets to go too. I love you all Brian In the late summer of 1994 at the age of 18, I was involved bad car accident where it left me with a head injury and a term of loss memory. It took me a whole year to finally gain most of my memory back. To be truthfully, there are some that I still don’t remember. I was told that some would come back later in time on its own. The most recent that came back and remembering one thing was several months ago. On the top of my head on the left side, there is a “Y” shape where it was stitched in total of 53 stitches. I went through what you can or could call it, a near death experience. It took me a long time before I finally where I felt ready to be open and more comfortable to talk or share about it. What I experienced, near death experience was when I first saw a small white fluffy spot in distance as it grew bigger and closer like some “tunnel”, but yet it was white and bright. The feeling during the near death experience is where remarkable and is hard to describe. I only could tell in words, but it is not how it is to be felt while on earth. The truly feeling was amazing where you don’t feel any pain, anxiety, worry, suffering and any type of worse feelings that you experienced out in your lifetime. It was peacefully, joy, no pain and best feelings of all that you could even imagine…the best feelings ever! As the tunnel grew bigger and closer and I saw a small child in distance as the child was walking toward me. I recognized the child and her name was Teena. Teena is a sister of mine who passed away years ago in the fire at our home at the age of 5 on the day of 21st of December in the year of 1977. Of course, it is impossible to remember her because I was only a year old when she passed away, but I have always seen pictures of her and would never forget how beautiful she was and even she looks a lot like me when I was a very young girl. As Teena was approaching me and started to talk. The funny thing is that she signed to me the whole time. I was in awe because she never knew ASL and she died before I became Deaf at the age of 18 months old due to spinal meningitis. It is amazing that how “they” really do know how to communicate when they never knew any other language while living on the earth. As the conversation went on, she told me it was not my time and that I need to return back to earth to our family. At first, I wasn’t sure why she said it and as I feel that I didn’t want to leave her. She repeated said that it was not my time and that I need to go back. I asked her why is it that I need to go back and why was it that I see her? As her face glow with the most beautiful smile, she had told me I was involved bad car accident and that I was serve hurt. She pointed down as I turned my head back to look down. I saw myself laying on the bed at the hospital in emergency room. Here comes to shocking seeing my face was full of blood as my flesh was asleep struggling to stay alive. I could see several doctors and nurses were working on me keeping me alive. I turned my head back facing Teena and told her no, I do not want to go back and I want to go with you. Teena with her gentle smile said that I will one of these days, to return back and those good things are about to happen in (my) life where I will have a good life. Then she told me to tell our parents that she is ok, is happy and for them to stop blaming themselves for her death and to our mother not to feel bad because she was not able to keep her promise (the promise that our mother made to Teena was that she will always be safe and that our mother would not allow anything bad happen to Teena) and it was not her fault. She told me to tell them that she loves hem dearly and not to be sad anymore. She told me to take care of my parents and that she loves everyone in the family. The time was running out and it was starting to fade away. We told each other that we love each other and told each other bye as she start walking back where she first came then it fades away. Here I come back to where I was at laying on the bed woke up screaming in a horrible pain as there was some confusion not knowing what had happened. At the time, my fiancé was asked to come in the room to where I was at as the doctors and nurses did not understand what I was saying. I was saying where was my sister and I wanted to know where she went. My fiancé thought I was asking for my other sister, Tammy (elder sister) and he said she is on her way. I went sleep as I was drugged. When my sister, Tammy arrived, my fiancé woke me up and told me that my sister is here. I reached out for her then I did not recognize Tammy and said that is not the little sister, the little girl. Tammy saw what I said; she burst into tears and knew who I was talking about. Tammy had told me that everything will be ok and that our Dad is on his way. Few minutes later, here our Dad arrived and the first thing I told him was that she is ok, is happy, not to be sad and that it wasn’t any of his fault. Our Dad stood there and looked at Tammy. Tammy had told him what she had suspected what had happened then our Dad burst into tears, cried for whole half hour and comforting me. I was at a friend’s get together and everyone had been drinking at around 12:30 at night I was extremely hungry, everyone there was eating cookies. I have a sever allergy to nuts and can die within 3 minuets of eating one. I ate the cookie and right away my mouth swelled shut. My friend’s house is out in the country and about 25 minuets away from the hospital as well as ambulance transportation. 30 seconds after my lips swelled shut my eyes and face swelled up completely so much so I couldn’t see anything. MY body broke out in hives and slowly my throat began to swell shut. My friends called an ambulance immediately; I had no epi pen on me I was going to die. I collapsed on the bathroom floor my friends by my side talking to me, trying to keep me awake. I could feel my throat close more and more every second. Every second that passed it became harder and harder to breath. I thought to myself this is it I am going to die here on this bathroom floor, I won’t be able to say good bye to my family. I told my friends to tell my parents and sisters that I loved them. I told my friends I loved them to, that was how sure I was that this would be the end. Eventually my throat closed over completely and I lost consciousness. I saw all black; I remember going through my life, each important event that ever happened to me, I relived it, from my first birthday to the last birthday I had. I remember saying I am only 17 in my head and trying to tell everyone that I was only 17 and I was too young to die. I felt extremely frightened and scared. Eventually I heard a voice in the blackness it belonged to my deceased grandfather whom I was very close to. He told me not to be scared and that I was going to be fine, and that I was getting a second chance. Suddenly I woke up on the ambulance. The paramedics were shocked they thought for sure I would not wake up and that they had been too late to save me. No one could believe that I had survived. My friends were crying. I am so happy that god gave me a second chance at life or else I would not be here to day. This experience has changed my life for the better. I had gone up to Madrid on work-related business and there, in my hotel, I started feeling ill. I had never been sick (expect for the classic flu and colds) but I knew from the first moment that my heart wasn't working right. Pressure in my chest and rapid pulse. I took an aspirin and felt better, but I decided to go to a specialist as soon as possible when I would be home the next day… But when I returned to my office in Granada, at about noon, I started feeling ill again. They took me to the emergency room and hospitalized me right away because they diagnosed me as being on the verge of a heart attack. Because of the apparent seriousness they took me to the ICU at the Riz de Alda hospital and it was around 6 in the evening when neither the Nitro drip nor anything else helped me. It wasn't an intense pain, it was acute distress and my heart was firing in increasingly rapid bursts. I remember having to shift around in the bed to get comfortable…but I immediately realized that the time they had warned me about had arrived and the heart attack was happening. When I realized I was going to die, those first moments were painful thinking about the grief my family would experience at such an untimely end. But I am a man of faith and I began thinking that the serious moment of death had arrived and I centered my thoughts on my inner self. I was afraid of the unknown because although, as I said, I am a man of faith, faith is not certain and there is always a degree of worry about what is going to happen after this life. At a time of intimacy with God, something that helped me at that moment, I noticed that the heart attack had arrived and my heart stopped…and I wasn't even aware when this happened as I fell back on the bed and my back hit the mattress. At that precise moment, at an instant so brief it can't be measured, I disconnected from my body and was overflowed with a sense of fulfillment and weightlessness. I clearly understood that I had died and that I was free from all bother and heaviness, and I found myself alive and feeling wonderful with a sense of peace and incredible well being. I was in a place of calm where I felt happy and euphoric to find that, yes, there is another life where death is no more. When images of my wife and children came to me, I wasn't bothered by them, neither did I feel sorrow nor anything…because if what awaits them is this eternal wonder, of what importance is pain and suffering in this life if afterwards there is only peace and well being? Such earthly problems and joys are seen as very insignificant from that realm. There is nothing to disturb the peace, and one feels love for all beings since there is no possibility of any rancor. It's a perfect state. So there I was, happy and awaiting events knowing that someone would come to get me to enter into this eternal life, when I felt that I was returning to connect with my body and I began feeling the illness I had forgotten about. The first thing I heard was a woman's voice with a Valencian accent saying, “He's coming back, he's coming back!” “I know I'm coming back,” I said to myself, and felt both grief and courage on returning here once again. It was clear that I had returned! If I left with much pain, I returned to my body with much more anguish. I didn't want to return, and I was filled with sorrow for having left that marvelous state where I had been immensely happy! When I regained the ability to see with my eyes, I observed that I was surrounded by doctors and machines, among them the defibrillation paddles used to bring people back to life. But I didn't feel anything. I returned to my body through the paraphernalia of instruments and medical personnel surrounding me. And here I am describing this, “my great experience,” that happened 11 years ago although it seems like I am reliving it anew it is so fresh. I wrote a little book about this experience but it won't fit in the space allotted here, although I have no problem sending it to supplement my story since my only objective is to make known what there is in the next life before leaving this one. The experience that changed my life: In March 1987, I don’t feel well. My condition deteriorates, I’m hospitalized. I sink into coma. Two weeks elapse and the night when I went out of coma, just before, I see myself above my body. I am overcome by a feeling of fullness. It has such an intensity that I don’t manage to describe it. I see myself in the bed, there is a being dressed in white on my right, he is moving air with his robe because my body is hot. As for myself above, I don’t feel anything. I also see around my bed people who came to see me during those two weeks. I hear what they tell me, I can accurately tell what they wore and where they were around my bed. These are facts I could check with them afterwards. I see all this in a state of peace and serenity. All of a sudden, I realize that I don’t see both my daughters. In a split second I feel myself go back to my body. It is much too small for me. I’m 21 and it’s as if I were putting kid nightclothes. It is painful. I wake up from coma and! I realize that I am in a place I don’t know. Paralyzed, I can’t move and barely speak. My sight is blurred. It is hard to come back to this life. I slowly recover and at the end of May I leave the hospital walking. Physically I recovered, but psychologically that’s another story. The experience has been informative for me: Ø If I’m here, that’s because I have a mission to complete, as any of us has. I had to have another child born Work at body level (physiotherapist) for 12 years, so that today, in 2006, I am applying for a job, to work with people grappling with death. I do not fear death anymore. I know I have a soul. I still look for this intensity, I feel it with people at end of life. I feel lonely and I’ll always be. I consulted therapists for years and I still do. It’s as if I had a foot here and the other one there. I am not able to integrate it in daily life. I’m on the way but I do believe that I will never make it totally. I live in Sherbrooke region. Can you suggest somebody for help? Thanks for reading me, Louise I was playing in my high chair and it tipped over causing me to hit my head on the floor my parents said that I stopped breathing, turned blue and was completely lifeless for about 5 minutes (I don't remember that part) I remember seeing from above, my mother holding me and my father slapped me really hard as they were rushing out the door to take me to the hospital. While I was “out” I remember being surrounded by dancing angels who were taking me into the most beautiful glowing light and I really wanted to go with them. I felt very secure and loved and wanted to feel that way always. When my father slapped me and I came “back” I was extremely unhappy about being taken away from the light. The car that was transporting us broke down in front of a small cemetery. My father was seated in front next to the driver, my mother and my grandmother were in back. My grandmother had a baby in her arms I didn't recognize. I felt the pain and grief of everyone. They were suffering because of me. They were broken-hearted and I didn't understand why. I was seated next to my father and the driver of the car and I told him I felt fine, that he didn't need to worry, but he didn't appear to see me or hear me. Just by thinking about it I put myself right in front of my mother and grandmother, and I also shouted at them not to cry over me, that I was just fine. My grandmother said something I found really amusing. (“How funny. The car dies right in front of a cemetery!”) I laughed a lot. My dear grandmother's sense of humor really amused me. I knew and recognized each one of them, I felt their feelings and read their thoughts, but it was impossible for me to communicate with them. When I understood that they didn't see me nor hear me, I decided to “return home.” There was only one thing out of place; that baby my grandmother was carrying in her arms wrapped in a black shawl she had woven herself. I didn't know who it was. It said absolutely nothing to me and its presence there seemed absurd to me. I left the car by the roof, floating–which seemed normal to me–and I paused looking at the countryside. It was dusk, the fields were in bloom, the rosemary and thyme and even the rocks were surrounded by an aura of pastel colored light. It had rained a few days before and the earth was wet and renewed. Everything emanated beauty and light and I was enthralled contemplating the earth. Of a sudden the sun, which was a golden color, began growing bigger and bigger and I “felt” that I could return home that way, to my place of origin, to the place I had come from. At the moment I tried to put myself into that enormous ball of light I heard and perceived a voice that said, “NO!” I couldn't continue forward. That voice kept me back. It had power and authority over what happened. It said to me sweetly, “You have to return.” I told it-rather I yelled at it–that nobody saw me nor heard me, nobody was aware of my presence nor of my existence and, above all else, I didn't know where I had to return to nor how to do it. It was then at this Presence indicated to me that the body of the baby was the place I had to return to. That inert body, unfeeling, that small and asphyxiated place…that baby was me! At that moment I felt enormous pain and an oppression that extended to my whole BEING. I said to the Voice that returning would require forgetting, that I would have a long journey before remembering who I was and that it was possible I would never find out. It's the most difficult thing I have had to do, EVER. The Voice, sweet but powerful, told me to return, that I could not return “home” yet and it made me a promise that it would always be by my side. Now I don't remember anything more. What happened afterward has been told to me by my parents many times. They were able to fix the car, we arrived at the village and the doctor certified my death. But even so, he consented to give me a serum because my father, overcome with grief, threatened to kill him if he didn't. A few hours after dying, they say I let out a moan… I should explain that during my experience I perceived myself as an adult, cognizant, THINKING, SENTIENT AND WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR, just like I am now. I have continued to have experiences “from the other side” the rest of my life and it took me many years to understand that it wasn't something that happened to everyone. I have learned to live with it, although it has been a lonely and misunderstood path. Today I can say that I have remembered, that I remember who I am, and I'm glad they kept me from returning when I wasn't supposed to. And the Voice fulfilled its promise. I felt like having been thrown into space with a perfect vision of moving away from the earth and entering into a very bright light. At the same time I had a clear vision of my life on earth like being in a two dimensional screen; it is very difficult to express this in words. I was conscious of everything and thought about what I was feeling. There was so much happiness and endless peace, which increased while I was about to enter the light. I knew that I was part of the light. I didn’t know why I did so but I knew it and I also knew that we’re all part of it; at the climax of my experience there was something that transcended everything and I knew that entering that light would mean I wouldn’t be able to return. I don’t know why this was the case but I knew it for sure and that’s something I can hardly explain but I’m not looking for an explanation, I accept what I have experienced as such. I considered my self-centredness and had very strong feelings not to return, I thought of my loved ones and of worldly things and I couldn’t care less about them and such thoughts struck me deeply. Suddenly, I don’t know why and how, I was pulled back into my body and my problem was why such a return into the body could be justified (as if it was necessary to justify a thing like that!!!!). I’ve had and continue having flashes of that experience; it’s like putting the puzzles into the right place. From that moment onward I know that definitely something is changing within myself. I know that very well but I don’t know what will happen in the future. Now I carry on with my everyday life and with my relations as if I had a protective layer to shield me from ordinary things, which don’t touch me as they did before. Now I also perceive people differently, I see into them and the sound of their voices is like a sound for me which may be false when they are talking about things they don’t feel. That’s very strange. My life is changing now and I don’t know where it will lead me to. I want to know the reason why I had to return but I’m getting weary of asking myself that question. Maybe I’ll find out about it, maybe I won’t, it doesn’t matter. What is very important to me is to bring my studies to an end and create a place for psychic studies, maybe with the help of the shamans of superior Perù, to whom I owe a lot, understanding the value of life and the value of living in harmony with nature, of which we are a part. They teach us that everything is full of life and it’s that teaching that I consider to be the biggest gift I’ve been given. I don’t know anything about the rest and move on my path. Finally I would like to write a book, I’ve been meditating on that for seven years but it seems to me that every time I embark on it something bigger and more profound has to be added. Thanks for listening to me and I wish you much luck for your initiative. I think that each of us feels the need of sharing that type of experience with people that don’t consider us to be crazy. Thank you. ndes - second part of 2006 After being in labor for about 11 hours, it was time for me to begin the pushing process. I did not attend any child birthing classes and was relying on the nurse to help me with breathing properly. I seemed to be doing fine until all of a sudden I found myself above my body, totally disconnected. I felt no pain, no sense of urgency about my current situation. I seemed to be somewhere high up near the ceiling off to the right near the head of the bed. I was able to see everything that was going on in a rather close-up fashion. I saw the doctor's face who although outwardly seemed calm, eventually did show a small twinge of panic right before I came back to my body. I was able to see my husband's face and his look of concern; and the nurse's face who was gently smacking me and saying “Karyn, come back to us. Come on, you have a baby to deliver here.” I saw my own face, my head rocking off to the right as the seizure took hold of my body. It was as if I was able to see all of these things all at the same time, not really switching from face to face, just seeing it all combined together yet separate as if I had ten sets of eyes. I was very aware (reminds me of the last time I smoked marijuana and how utterly clear everything seemed to be; so clear that I never wanted to be that clear again.) While still in this out of body state, I watched my self seize for a few seconds, not really sure how to digest seeing my body jerking around. It didn't seem to really matter at that point. I felt completely peaceful and at ease in my new state. It also seemed as though during this time when I was out of my body, someone was with me. I cannot connect the feeling of this other being with someone I actually know or knew, but this entity or spirit seemed familiar and comforting to me; the sensation of someone's arm wrapped around my arm, as if to help guide or steady me was definitely a strong sensation. I remember thinking to myself that this was the most wonderful feeling I had ever had; I had no pain, no anxiety, not a care in the world. Sometimes I feel this way for very short periods during dreams while I sleep. I had no sense of time at this point, it could have been a minute or five, could have been a year that I was gone, but at some point the conscious thought came to me that I was in the middle of giving birth and that it was important that I get back to the task at hand. I vaguely recall a voice saying to me that I needed to “go back.” And almost immediately I was back, as if a ripcord had been pulled and I zoomed directly back into my body. I immediately got back to pushing. The doctor went back to his nonchalant manner, and the nurse looked a bit concerned. As it turned out, my epidural wore off and I felt pretty much the entire delivery, although there actually was very little pain. When my daughter's head was out, the doctor announced that the cord was wrapped around her neck twice and that he needed to do some quick work to take care of that. None of this panicked me whatsoever. When she came out and they placed her on my chest, that is when I knew that God existed. I suppose it was the thrill of it all, but I didn't really focus on the out of body experience until the nurse came in again about a half hour after bringing me back to my room. I definitely got the sense that she was a little freaked out. She mentioned that she had never seen someone seize during birthing and that she almost went over the doctor's head to do something about it. She felt that he didn't give much care to my situation. She actually said “I thought you were gone.” I know from experience that trying to relate such things as out of body experiences is not very easy, and this did not seem the time to tell her of my little journey. It really wasn't until about three weeks after my daughter was born that I actually sat down and thought about what happened to me. I mentally challenged myself to relive what had happened and to try to not ose track of how it made me feel. I really liked the peaceful feeling I had. I didn't have one speck of panic during that time when it came to the idea of “leaving” and never coming back. I knew distinctly that what was ahead held peace and apparently a great amount of knowledge. I suppose that and seeing the miracle of my beautiful baby brought me to the conclusion about God's existence. Through the years my daughter has led me down paths that I believe I was meant to walk. She even led me to being baptized a few years back, where I finally felt like I had come to accept that God not only existed, but that He is fully aware of where my life is going. Every now and again I conjure up that day and relive it. There are times when I have mentioned it to friends and I usually am given some sort of odd reaction. I hate feeling as though I'm a nut so I usually laugh and pass it off. Just the other day I mentioned it for the first time to my new husband, I'm not even sure what brought it up. He listened attentively and thought that my experience was exciting and believable. I loved being able to tell the story and feel as if he grasped what I was trying to relay. Occasionally I need another's vindication that I am not crazy in believing what happened to me was true. Last April, I felt a great pain in my abdomen. My husband carried me to the hospital and there I discovered that I was pregnant in my first month. I felt happy. My pain disappeared gradually, so I returned home. The next day in the afternoon, I felt that pain again. It was getting worse and worse like the delivery pain. I then fainted. My husband, who is a doctor too, hit my face quickly. I awoke at once. He hurriedly carried me to the hospital again. There they told me that my baby is out of the womb and the fallopian tube exploded which caused me to hemorrhage. They did an urgent operation. After the operation, I told my husband that I felt a very great feeling in my first faint at home. I felt that I went to another place where there is very good weather with a lovely breeze. I felt there is a calm and peace which I have never experienced in my life. I told him that I was talking with anonymous people for a long time as if months. I don’t remember what we were talking about or who they were, but I remember that I was so happy with them, as if we were sitting there for months! I felt very angry and sorry when my husband made me return to consciousness. Coming back, I felt this life is narrow, dirty, and disgusting. I want to go back there and stay forever. My husband was surprised. He told me that my faint didn't last more than 2 seconds. I can't understand how all of this happened within this short time? Our judo club met in a gymnasium where we simply pulled our judo mat out onto the gym floor under the basketball nets. Our instructor, aka “Coach,” was blind, and he was also a medalist in the Paralympics. On the night in question, Coach started grappling with a brown belt named Marc on the north end of the mat. I grappled with a brown belt named Andy on the other end of the mat, right beneath the basketball net. As we grappled, I quickly established the mount (the top position) and positioned myself to move into an arm bar, forcing Andy to tap out. Andy was not defending against a possible arm bar, nor was trying to escape from his inferior position; he simply reached up with his long arms, grabbed the lapels of my judogi, and used his knuckles to put pressure against my carotid arteries. Foolishly, I didn't try to defend my neck, thinking his attempt to choke me from a mounted position would prove futile. I almost had the arm bar, but then…. I'm looking up at the basketball net. I seem to be in the center of the mat. I hear Andy: “Coach! Coach! Something's wrong here!” “What happened?” I wonder. “Did I break my neck? I can't feel anything. I must be paralyzed–I can't even feel myself breathing… But I can't panic. I can't feel anything. Oh, this is great. This is just great. What are they going to tell my girlfriend? Where's Andy? Why hasn't he run over here?” I woke up, staring down at Andy. I was still on top of him, staring down. Andy was still pinned. “What happened?” I asked. “Your eyes rolled back in your head and you just went out.” “How long?” I asked. “Just a few seconds.” “You need to tap out sooner!” shouts Coach from the other end of the mat. We started grappling again. This time I defended my neck, and I got the arm bar. Andy tapped. After just moving to Bournemouth, me and my partner went to meet some friends on their boat that was parked in the quay. After having a bit to drink, it was quite late. Me and my partner started arguing over something silly. He walked of the boat, so I followed him. Everyone else stayed in the boat, carrying on with the party. As I stepped off the boat onto the wooden walkway, I started to run since I had lost sight of my partner. What happened next was the strangest feeling I've ever felt. One minute I was running; the next minute everything just went really dark. I didn't feel cold or even wet. I just felt like I was floating but sinking at the same time. Everything was pitch black, when all of a sudden I saw myself above me and a bit to the left. I was just staring. I looked so peaceful but I still had no idea what was happening or where I was. The next thing I knew I was laying on the wooden decking with everybody around me - soaking wet and freezing cold. My friends on the boat said that they had heard something and went to see what it was. They found me floating on top of the water, my lips were blue, and I was unconscious. They had to bring me back round. After 5 minutes, I was absolutely fine like nothing had ever happened but watching myself drown has always stayed with me and always will. As a child, I had an accident at the YMCA while running around the locker room. I bumped my head again the edge of a locker and passed out. I came to once as my sisters were dragging me out into the reception area. I remember the clerk starting to yell at me and then everything went black. the next thing I remember was the feeling that I was on the outside of my family car, looking in. I could see the road we were traveling and I looked into the car. I could see myself in the car, with my head slumped against the window. I remember that my hair was crushed up against the window and I could see that from the outside. I never told anyone as a child because I didn't think it really happened. Years later, I heard of out of body experiences and realized that this is what had happened. ( I still have the lump on the back of my head!) Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? No Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes Didn't think anyone would believe me. I though that it was a dream and didn't know why I had such a vivid memory and picture in my head At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience? was unconscious but my spirtual side was very alert No physically I Was the experience dream like in any way? Well, I assumed that it was a dream but only because I couldn't explain it Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body? What emotions did you feel during the experience? Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises? Uncertain don't remember no LOCATION DESCRIPTION: Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures? No Did you see a light? Uncertain could make out fine details I don't know- I could see clearly although it was night and I Did you meet or see any other beings? No Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? No Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later? Yes I knew where I was in the car and the route taken home. I knew who was sitting next to me in the car-although I had passed out Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose? No Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure? Did you become aware of future events? No No Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body? No Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience? Uncertain I was too young to know my capabilities Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience? that there is a wider metaphysical world that cannot be ignored. Have you shared this experience with others? Yes I realize Yes I don't' know what they thought What emotions did you experience following your experience? don't remember What was the best and worst part of your experience? very painful- I had a concussion best part- later in life when I realized that it did happen Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience? No Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience? Yes First of all I studied Diploma in Nursing for 2 years so I have quite a good knowledge about medical conditions. I suffered a sudden severe depression and after I finished my 9 month course on Seroxat I was way worse than ever. After a long time thinking about my life before the depression and what my future holds (especially after I had been posted for 3 months to work in a mental hospital during my studies) I decided that if this is how life was going to be then I don't want to live. I knew it was going to be hard on my family but I couldn't cope anymore. The depression had taken over my life. I stole some ecstasy tablets and counted them. I decided that if there's less than 20 I won't bother. There were 42. I took them all in about 10 minutes. I didn't feel anything for about 15 minutes then I knew I was overdosing. As I was mentally ready for what I've done I didn't try to fight the feeling. Eventually my boyfriend that I was living with came home. I didn't want him to call the ambulance I told him its almost over and I'm happy its better this way. Eventually about 3 and a half hours after I took the tablets I was seeing a lot of colors. I knew I was hallucinating. Then suddenly there was this bright white light and I knew it was so close to be over. I was drawn to the peacefulness. I just kept thinking this is it. Its almost over. My boyfriend kept slapping me hard to keep me conscious but I just felt something numb on my face and couldn't feel my arms and legs anymore. I was floating up getting closer to the light. However every time my boyfriend shook me or slapped me I was back on the couch. I remember getting very annoyed cause the light was 'calling' me. Eventually my boyfriend decided to take me to hospital with my car as the ambulance hadn't arrived after almost an hour. I remember my boyfriend driving fast and beeping the horn constantly and the panic and shouting but I was above it going to the light. Eventually I remember my boyfriend carrying me to the A+E then passed me on to a nurse and eventually was on a bed or a stretcher. The doctor was calling my name telling me to speak to him but I remember telling him to leave me alone. I just wanted to go to the light. Then I just felt peacefulness. The panic around me stopped. I was being 'lifted' to the light. 3 days later I woke up from a coma after I was on artificial in ventilation. My parents later told me the doctors told them to start preparing for my funeral on my 2nd day in a coma. When I woke up doctors said it was impossible for me to be alive or have any brain damage. Basically they said it was 'medically impossible' since I was admitted to hospital more than 4 hours after I took the tablets it was too late to pump my stomach and had to go through the full effect of 42 ecstasy tablets. NDERF does not endorse encourage or advocate for suicide in any way, shape or form. I was dizzy all day and I was asked by my teachers if I wanted to go to the clinic and go home but I suggested that I was ok and that I will be fine. After that everything got blurry and Then I remember being at Lunch My friend Jeremy was in line and his Brother Joe Was Right behind him. When they got out of line I was standing and I remember saying “My fourth hour teacher asked me if I wanted to go to the clinic and I said No” Then after that It went black. I can remember being hearing questions and seeing myself lying on the ground but I was just laying there. Then I remember them putting me in an Ambulance but seeing that from another point of view. Then I Was blank for a while and Then I remember hearing an unfamiliar Voice saying my name. I opened my eyes and found myself in an ambulance with oxygen hooked up to me I asked then what happened and they said I had a Seizure. On Saturday April 4, 2004, I had a major heart attack. The main part hit while at the hospital with a full staff at my side. One second I was talking and in mid sentence, I was gone. When the heart attack took me out, they had the bed in the sitting up position. (you know, with the head of the bed raised). A nurse was about to start an I.V. when I went out. The next thing I knew was that I was standing at the head of the bed, looking at myself and the staff. The Doc told a nurse to give him something, they turned around to a cabinet and when they turned back around they was handing him a really big needle. (I remember thinking to myself, (“I know what that is for and it's going to hurt like hell.”)) as the Doc reached for it, everything went black. The next thing I knew, I was standing in what I call a black room. But it was not a room as we know it - more like an abyss, if you will. I had the feeling that there was something behind me, and there was something in front of me like a black veil, keeping me from seeing what was on the other side of it. I was transfixed on the blackness. It was not frightening at all. I felt the greatest sense of peace I have ever felt in my life. I stood staring at the black abyss. As I said earlier, I felt that there was something behind me, and was tempted to turn around to look. But it was like I had been told not to so, I didn't. After what seemed to be a couple of minutes, I was returned to my body. When I was returned, It felt like I was coming from the back of my head forward. As I reached where I was suppose to be, I could see, and hear everything clearly. The Doc, just had told the person standing behind him to “give him 400.” I see the two paddled in his hands and knew what they were and what he was going to do with them. And once again I thought to myself, “This is going to hurt.” Using everything I had, I raised my hand to stop him. The Doc looked at me, the looked at the monitor then back at me and back to the monitor again, and said “Look at that! I don't believe it.” I was still flat-lined and was stopping him. That is when he told me that they had lost me. They got me stable the best they could and transferred me to another hospital, where they put two stints in my left right ventricle. When I was five my family was visiting my aunt's cabin at a local lake. While running up and down a long boat pier in front of the cabin, I fell off the pier and into the lake. I recall at first floundering in the water (as I did not know how to swim) and then swallowing a large amount of water as I started yelling for my mom. I recall noticing that I was starting to float under the pier and I remember thinking that no one would be able to get me in time if I went too far under there. I don't recall being afraid but rather very calm, not resigned but simply not caring. I then went totally face down into the water and suddenly I was outside of myself and BELOW my body. I could see myself perfectly floating face down in the water above me. I watched as I tried to shout again and saw the bubbles race out of my mouth. I knew that water was now pouring into me, but I couldn't physically feel anything and there was no sensation of fear. In fact, I felt quite dispassionate about what I was seeing. Suddenly I felt myself being yanked out of the water, and at that instant I was back in my body and gagging and choking from the water in my throat and lungs. My brother, who was swimming near by, had raced over and pulled me upright and got my head out the of water. After a considerable amount of coughing and back pounding, I was subsequently hauled up to the beach by my brother while my mom and aunt raced down to see if I was ok. The total amount of time that I spent in the water was likely no more than 2 or 3 minutes. I have never told anyone about my experience, and who knows if it has had any profound impact on my views of death and dying (I'm still scared of the prospect). However, the experience has stayed with me my whole life when almost all of my other early memories have faded. The event is as vivid in my memory today as it was 45 years ago on that hot July afternoon. After arriving at the DIPRECA hospital for a lumbar hernia, the doctor decided to operate on me for a gastric bypass to help lower my weight. The first operation went badly so they operated a second time where I went into a coma from complete septicemia. My breathing, my heart, my kidneys, liver, pancreas, lungs, all stopped functioning. All my vital signs were bad and fell below acceptable levels. My family was notified that I was on death's door just in time for Holy Week. A few days went by and I was given the last rites by the hospital chaplain and my family came to say their goodbyes. During all of this I had been in the ICU and the ITU for 45 days. I then began a miraculous recovery, first by breathing without a respirator and then returning to consciousness. My family members told me things had gone badly and that I was very sick. I was so out of it I thought I had only slept for one day. Then my slow recuperation began because I was left with neurological problems that incapacitated somewhat the movement in my left arm and right leg. This is what motivated my retirement from the police force after 22 years. I should tell you that I belong to the Masonic Order. They gave me the ability to look for truth by way of reason, but I proved empirically that it isn't really like that because the trip I took was truly marvelous and escapes all logical rationality. I remember that suddenly I was floating outside my body and was absorbed by a dark vortex that allowed a few rays of light to come through. I moved rapidly towards the end of the vortex or tunnel. I glanced at my side and saw I was being accompanied by my father who had died in 1991. This unsettled me and I felt fear and began to analyze the things I was seeing and I realized I was dying. Finally, I arrived at the end of the tunnel where I found a large door of magnificent proportions that slowly began to open from the other side. I could only see light shining so powerfully that I had to cover my face. At that moment my thoughts were very clear. I was dying and I thought about my little children and my wife, the suffering I caused them and that I wouldn't see them again. At the same time I also felt a profound peace that was broken when I heard voices saying to me, “Oscar, don't die. Come back.” And almost without realizing it I began returning by the same tunnel I had arrived through. When I realized I was back in my hospital bed, I had a vision I was surrounded by several men (6 or 7) who wore white tunics and were of advanced years. They were around my bed and spoke to me. Afterwards, I went back to sleep but when I woke up, I only remembered those two episodes to tell my family and the brothers of my Mason's lodge. Months later my wife told me she had made a spiritual connection with astral physicians to bring about my healing since I was healed so miraculously and known throughout the hospital. I asked about the men in white who visited me and I was told I was never visited by anyone in white, much less with the characteristics I remembered. Well, this is the account of what happened to me that year during Holy Week. Events full of symbols and messages that I am still trying to discover. But I am absolutely sure of something and that is there is life on the other side, with beings who are higher and better than we are. I had cancer (Hodgkin's Lymphoma), and on this morning, I could not move. My husband rushed me to hospital, where, after doing scans, they diagnosed me with grade 4B lymphoma (the highest grade). The senior oncologist looked at my report and told my husband that it was too late, and that my organs were now shutting down. I only had 36 hours to live. However, the oncologist said he would do whatever he could but prepared my husband that I would most likely not make it, as my organs were no longer functioning. They started me on a chemotherapy drip as well as oxygen, and then they started to take tests, particularly on my organ functions, so that they could determine what drugs to use. I was drifting in and out of consciousness during this time, and I could feel my spirit actually leaving my body. I saw and heard the conversations between my husband and the doctors taking place outside my room, about 40 feet away down a hallway. I was later able to verify this conversation to my shocked husband. Then I actually “crossed over” to another dimension, where I was engulfed in a total feeling of love. I also experienced extreme clarity of why I had the cancer, why I had come into this life in the first place, what role everyone in my family played in my life in the grand scheme of things, and generally how life works. The clarity and understanding I obtained in this state is almost indescribable. Words seem to limit the experience – I was at a place where I understood how much more there is than what we are able to conceive in our 3-dimensional world. I realized what a gift life was, and that I was surrounded by loving spiritual beings, who were always around me even when I did not know it. The amount of love I felt was overwhelming, and from this perspective, I knew how powerful I am, and saw the amazing possibilities we as humans are capable of achieving during a physical life. I found out that my purpose now would be to live “heaven on earth” using this new understanding, and also to share this knowledge with other people. However I had the choice of whether to come back into life, or go towards death. I was made to understand that it was not my time, but I always had the choice, and if I chose death, I would not be experiencing a lot of the gifts that the rest of my life still held in store. One of the things I wanted to know was that if I chose life, would I have to come back to this sick body, because my body was very, very sick and the organs had stopped functioning. I was then made to understand that if I chose life, my body would heal very quickly. I would see a difference in not months or weeks, but days! I was shown how illnesses start on an energetic level before they become physical. If I chose to go into life, the cancer would be gone from my energy, and my physical body would catch up very quickly. I then understood that when people have medical treatments for illnesses, it rids the illness only from their body but not from their energy so the illness returns. I realized if I went back, it would be with a very healthy energy. Then the physical body would catch up to the energetic conditions very quickly and permanently. I was given the understanding that this applies to anything, not only illnesses – physical conditions, psychological conditions, etc. I was “shown” that everything going on in our lives was dependant on this energy around us, created by us. Nothing was solid - we created our surroundings, our conditions, etc. depending where this “energy” was at. The clarity I received around how we get what we do was phenomenal! It’s all about where we are energetically. I was made to feel that I was going to see “proof” of this first hand if I returned back to my body. I know I was drifting in and out between the two worlds, but every time I drifted into the “other side”, I was shown more and more scenes. There was one which showed how my life had touched all the people in it - it was sort of like a tapestry and showed how I affected everyone's lives around me. There was another which showed my brother on a plane, having heard the news I was dying, coming to see me (this was verified to me as when I started to come round, my brother was there, having just got off a plane). I then saw a glimpse of my brother and me and somehow seemed to understand it was a previous life, where I was much older than him and was like a mother to him (in this life, he is older than me). I saw in that life I was very protective towards him. I suddenly became aware he was on the plane to come and see me, and felt “I can't do this to him - can't let him come and see me dead”. Then I also saw how my husband's purpose was linked to mine, and how we had decided to come and experience this life together. If I went, he would probably follow soon after. I was made to understand that, as tests had been taken for my organ functions (and the results were not out yet), that if I chose life, the results would show that my organs were functioning normally. If I chose death, the results would show organ failure as the cause of death, due to cancer. I was able to change the outcome of the tests by my choice! I made my choice, and as I started to wake up (in a very confused state, as I could not at that time tell which side of the veil I was on), the doctors came rushing into the room with big smiles on their faces saying to my family “Good news – we got the results and her organs are functioning – we can’t believe it!! Her body really did seem like it had shut down!” After that, I began to recover rapidly. The doctors had been waiting for me to become stable before doing a lymph node biopsy to track the type of cancer cells, and they could not even find a lymph node big enough to suggest cancer (upon entering the hospital my body was filled with swollen lymph nodes). They did a bone marrow biopsy, again to find the cancer activity so they could adjust the chemotherapy according to the disease, and there wasn’t any in the bone marrow. The doctors were very confused, but put it down to me suddenly responding to the chemo. Because they themselves were unable to understand what was going on, they made me undergo test after test, all of which I passed with flying colors, and clearing every test empowered me even more! I had a full body scan, and because they could not find anything, they made the radiologist repeat it again!!!! Because of my experience, I am now sharing with everyone I know that miracles are possible in your life every day. After what I have seen, I realize that absolutely anything is possible, and that we did not come here to suffer. Life is supposed to be great, and we are very, very loved. The way I look at life has changed dramatically, and I am so glad to have been given a second chance to experience “heaven on earth”. I was in an extreme emotional state. I had periodically suffered bouts of depression but this time I was unable to work myself out of it. I was not on any medication, nor had it ever occurred to me to seeks professional help for it. I understand now that possibly heredity and a traumatic childhood contributed to my illness. Anyway, I had secluded myself in my apartment, stopped going to work, couldn't eat or sleep. I just paced and paced with my thoughts racing. At some point I thought, I want to die and I said aloud,” Please, God, don't let me die like this!” In that instant I was somewhere else. There was darkness, I think somewhere to my right but before me was this incredible Light. So very bright, inviting, loving. At the same moment I felt an all pervasive sense of acceptance, love and warmth, I experienced a life review. Every moment of my life and everything I had forgotten or was not particularly aware of at the time. The voice from the Light was speaking to me, not in words, rather like transferred knowledge and assurance. At the time I thought of myself as a damaged person and did not like myself. The Voice told me I was perfectly fine and that all the things I thought were flaws were illusions and ” negative stuff” simply laid over my true being like a dirty coat. The Light loved me unconditionally. I felt I was “Home.” I was estranged from my father at the time. I remember seeing my father in my life review and understanding that he had behaved the way he did because of a continuum of actions in his life and before his life. I understood where other people were coming from, right, wrong or indifferent. At the same time I also understood that everything happens as they are meant to. I knew the “Why”. That is one of the things I can't remember. But it made perfect sense and I thought, “Yes, of course, how could I have forgotten?” It was so SIMPLE! I was shown what was important and what was not. Love above all was the purpose of the Universe and that we are all interconnected. In the next instant(?) I was back sitting on the edge of my bed. I felt light, happy, blissful. I also felt like God had picked me up by the scruff of my neck and shook the nonsense out of me. I was AWAKE! In the experience everything seemed to have happened all at once. The Light, the voice, the life review, the imparting of immense knowledge. I had not left my apartment in days but I immediately went outside and marveled at everything I saw. I just walked up and down the streets feeling so happy and relieved. This feeling lasted several days. I eventually went back to my “normal” consciousness“ but I have never forgotten the experience or the lessons I learned. I've had many more lessons to learn but I believe if I had not had the gift of this experience I would not have survived. I do not know of any specific purpose for any of us other than the injunction that we help each other and that self-absorbed selfishness is a waste of opportunity or worse. I feel the Voice, “God” is with me and all of us, always, and I have no fear of dying. I firmly believe we will all go Home. I was around 3 - 4 years old. My older sister and I were jumping on the bed in our parent's bedroom. I remember almost in slow motion being in mid air and her pushing me. I flew off of the bed hitting the floor. The next thing I knew I could see everyone around me crying and shaking me. They were saying “she's blue, Jill wake up, somebody do something!” I remember thinking, “what are they talking about?” I could see everything they were doing. I heard everything they said but I couldn't do anything about it. I tried to make my body move but it wouldn't do what I wanted it to do. Then in an instant I remember being in the corner of the bedroom underneath the ceiling. I seemed to be floating there watching everyone run around frantically trying to get me to regain consciousness. I remember feeling a very comforting female presence even though she never spoke to me. Then next thing I knew I was back in my body. I remember my aunt going to the bathroom to get cold washcloths to apply to my face. I remember her putting them to my face and then suddenly being able to move my body as I wished. When I awoke, everyone was very upset and crying. I remember telling them then that I heard them but I couldn't move. I never knew what to even call it until years later when I heard of a similar experience on TV. It was then comforting to know that I was not crazy and that these things really happened to me. My whole family remembers these events. My aunt remembers me being blue and not breathing. She remembers going to get the cold washcloths and my return to consciousness. I knew I was dying, seconds before I actually died. My husband was there. I hit the floor and he grabbed me. I looked at him from way above his head, he was holding me and screaming at me. He looked at my body and yelled my name, and then yelled get back here right now. I watched him from way above him and laughed. I thought, “Does he think that's doing any good? Yelling at me and I'm not in there, I'm in…..” and then I realized where I was. I was in a tunnel, going in backwards. I thought to myself, please, don't let me die like this. Not like this. It was then I tried to turn around to face the tunnel, but a woman in a yellow dress grabbed my shoulder and my waist and pushed me back into my body. I opened my eyes, and I was looking at my husband. It wasn't until almost a year later, that my Uncle showed me some old photos that he had in a shoe box. One of the photo's was of the woman in the yellow dress. She was my grandmother's sister, Maggie. My great-Aunt. I was in a dark void or space like in the universe without the stars in the distance was a light no definite shape similar to a puddle of spilled water. The light was pulsating as if alive, I began to move toward the light, was being drawn, all of a sudden it was like I was moving at the speed of light. The light was like a boundary but it was transparent, I passed through into the light: it is hard for me to find the words to describe the feelings one encounters. I was blinded by the light unable to see anything but the light did not hurt your eyes. It was like looking into the sun a million times over a pure white light. I felt warm, safe, peaceful, and in the presence of pure unconditional love. It was like the light was absorbing me, my life was being shown before me, I got emotional, maybe I cried, I was ashamed, but I felt the love and knew everything was alright. I know I was in the presence of God. I had been married one year. My husband Bruce, 3 friends Kimmy, Glenn, Danny and myself went to ski in St. Anton, Austria. Our last day, Kim and I were following Bruce, but decided to find a friendlier slope. While traversing across, we heard Danny scream “Watch Out!” We looked up to see Danny, mid air above us, flying off a ski jump. We tried to get out of his way. I had my back turned when he came crashing into me. The pain was everywhere. As suddenly as the pain hit, it stopped. One of the most memorable parts of the experience was the KNOWING that I had just died. I went from pain everywhere, unbearable, only lasting a few seconds, to “Ahhhhhhhhhh, so THIS is what it's like to die!”, a peaceful, calm, release as soon as the pain just stopped. I went through every possible emotion. The first being fear, seeing Danny and knowing what might happen if he hit me. Pain, when he hit. Calm, peace, release when the pain stopped and I had the realization that I was now dead and how I “KNEW” that 'this is what it's like to die”. Then, I entered a void of nothing, not really being anywhere, but I was still aware of me. I became scared, not knowing what was going on, or where I was or was going. Not a real sense of movement, just a void and an upward sense. The next feeling was of not knowing where I was. I felt like just a head, or that only my head was above this layer of white. I was in an all white world, just my head peering above this cloudy layer separating me from below. Frightened. Quiet. Nothing anywhere. I couldn't talk, find my body to move anything. It seemed like several minutes went by while I waited, just scared, alone, unable to do anything but 'think' with my brain. There was a 'condensed' white area of brightness, far off in the corner of this flat level. To understand, picture your head chopped off, sitting on top of a layer of white cloud. You can't turn it, but you can look around. From that condensed area, two figures emerged. It appeared as if they were the length of a football field from me. They were dressed in long white robes with hoods covering their faces. They moved as if they were on a moving sidewalk. The side walk came out straight, then turned at a corner and head toward me. I was scared, frightened, had no one around to comfort me, just felt really scared and alone. When they were within 20', they stopped. The first figure lifted his hood and revealed himself to be my deceased Uncle John. Behind him, my grandmother. They were the only two close relatives at the time who were deceased. My uncle and I were very close. My grandmother and I, not so much. Truthfully, my grandmother and I never got along, she scared me. Seeing my uncle, however, I was soooooooo excited. I wanted to run to him, to hug him, to tell him I loved and missed him. I couldn't do anything. It was extremely frustrating trying to get any part of me to 'listen'. Instead, you 'think' your thoughts. It's like your body is below this layer, frozen in concrete, but your thoughts are happening. After what seemed like a minute of trying to get to him without success, he looked at me with this calmness, shook his head slowly side to side, pulled his hood back down and did a 180degree turn. My grandmother pulled her hood down and followed. I note the turns, always at right angles. The way the sidewalk came out and turned at a 45degree, the way they turned and left. Precise. My next emotion was total hurt, frustration, angst at not being able to hug him, watching him leave me, being left alone again. The next feeling was intense sharp pain, like someone had taken a knife and slit my chest open side to side. I looked up to see my husband leaning over me, one of the friends standing above, the others, just standing around. I was MAD!!! I was mad, angry, wanted to take out my frustration on these people who had, in the way I felt, been the reason I wasn't allowed to go with my uncle. The first words I heard were from my husband, who whispered in my ear so no one else could hear. “Shhhh, don't say ANYTHING to make Danny feel bad. He's been crying because he thinks he killed you.” Here I just left this all white surreal world, and now my brain is trying to process what he's saying to me. Confusion. My head, my body, it all hurt, but my main feeling was “What just happened? Where was I?” Being a new wife and not wanting to upset my husband, I said nothing to anyone. Everyone was acting really strange. Quiet. No one was talking. Just a really awkward feeling. I felt like an outsider. They kept trying to get me to stand up, but I kept falling over. My husband decided we should go to the bar at the top and have a beer till I felt good enough to ski. The five of us sat at this large table, sipping beer. No one mentioned what had just happened. I wasn't allowed to mention what just happened. Instead I was being made to feel like I was keeping the gang from skiing their last day in Austria. My husband kept leaning over whispering “Do you think you can ski yet?” My head hurt SO BAD, but I felt guilty so I said I'd try. I stood, I fell. Repeat. My husband offered me his ski poles to help me stand and ski since mine had snapped in the accident. They didn't help. Meanwhile my brain is still running through this video in my head of my NDE, unable to tell anyone because 'I would upset Danny.' After several failed attempts, my husband decided to send me down to the ski lodge to take a nap while they finished skiing for the day. So, curled in a ball on a chair, I tried to sleep. Don't remember much about that, just bad head pain. The next day we were awoken by our tour guide banging on our door at 6am telling us we had 10min to get on the bus or we'd miss our flight home. So everything you can do wrong with a head injury, I did. No medical, drank alcohol, slept, drank more that night, then got on a plane and flew from Austria to NY. Interesting to note, when we arrived at JFK, on the news was the Shell gas station across the street from our hotel in St. Anton, buried from an avalanche. If we hadn't been woken up, we would've been buried. I feel like death was chasing me or something. In 1994 I had 7 seizures in one day. The doctor did an MRI. I will never forget this. He asked me if I had ever had any near death experience or major head trauma. I turned, looked at my husband who never believed me, and said “YES! St. Anton!” He said I had an area of dead brain cells in my left temporal lobe, about the size of a marble, indicative of clinical death for 3 to 5 minutes. I turned to my husband and said “I TOLD YOU I WAS DEAD!!!” To this day, I think he lives with guilt. No one will talk to me about it. Not even my girlfriend Kim. Part of me thinks they all feel guilty. Knowing my husband better now, I think his main concern at the time of the accident was with the laws in Austria. 'If I was really dead, what was going to happen to Danny?' I think that's what they were all standing around trying to figure out when I came to. No one was doing CPR, etc. No one even spoke about medical attention. Danny knew I was dead. He had me laying on his lap, rocking me back and forth screaming “I killed her! I killed her!” (This is about all I could et out of my husband, who said he had to take his skis off and climb up this steep slope when he heard Danny screaming.) Since the accident, my memory doesn't store. I am eternally 28. I can remember things that I repeat, talk about over and over, write down (like this). I remember things or people that happened prior to 94ish. It's an ongoing, constantly trying to figure out what I do remember, can, why, etc. It was toward the end of the second year of college in 1972. I was a single parent who was going through a messy divorce and putting myself through school to be a counselor. I had three children, ages three, four and five, was carrying a full course load, running a boarding house and had a job as a group home parent on the weekend. By the time March came I had run myself into the ground and became sick. I had pneumonia, mononucleosis, and pleurisy all at the same time. I was in bed with my illness while one of the boarders looked after the children for me. I don't know if my experience happened during the day or night. I just remember being so very sick that I couldn't think of anything and didn't care what happened to me. I just lay there almost like a zombie. All of a sudden, I was out of my body and in a tunnel. The tunnel was smoky grey and there was a man I had never seen before standing beside me. He was holding my hand and dressed in a priest's outfit. I was fully aware that I was dead and that the man was there to take me to wherever I was to go. But, I couldn't understand why a Catholic priest had come for me as I knew no priests, and was not Catholic. Anyway, we started to move up the tunnel and we were up far enough to see a dot of light at the end of the tunnel. Just then, a voice came down to us and the words were directed to the man beside me. The voice said, “Take her back, it is not her time.” The 'priest' responded by saying, “But, she died.” Then the voice came back down and said, “Take her back, she has much left to do.” The next thing I knew, I was back in my body on the bed. Throughout the whole experience, I didn't feel any fear or confusion. I was quite content to follow this man even though I had no idea who he was. Sadly, it isn't much of an NDE, but that's all that happened. One year later, I had an STE experience that I told about in #64. I sometimes wonder if I had that experience to make up for the fact that I didn't get to go to the light and learn from It. This experience happened when I was 18. It was the weekend before I started college. I was a “raver” at this time and took “X”. At this time some bad pills were circulating in the area (I later found out) and I took 3 “bad pills”. An hour or 2 after I took the pills I realized that something was wrong. I hated the way I felt. I do not remember what happened before the experience, just after, but all of a sudden I was at the “gates” of Heaven. At this time in my life I was becoming less of a believer. Science made lots more sense than religion. However, during the experience I knew what was going on, there was no confusion about it at all. I no longer felt the effects of the drugs even, but soon remembered that I had taken them and that that was why I was where I was. I could not see much, just white- not light but more like clouds or fog- and there was a grayish “blockage” which was to be the “gates” of Heaven. There were no dead relatives to meet me (I had none at this time that I had been close to in life) but there was an Angel. His image was clearer than the surrounding area but not totally clear. He was in white. God was also there but not an Image of God, just a presence. It was like he was beyond this blockage. I could hear him, but it was not sound I heard, the communication was all in my head. There was no reason to use words here and I understood that. I also understood that I was dead. I accepted it, but then felt guilt. I didn't even think I should ask if I could get into Heaven because I was facing judgment while on drugs. But I didn't have to ask to be let in, God already knew what I was thinking. And I knew he knew. It was almost like the questions and answers happened at the same time- there was no time there. I felt shamed but also calm, there was no fear, just the shame and guilt of my circumstances. Then I was asked the question, “Why should I let you in Heaven if you are on drugs?” And I knew I did not deserve to be allowed in. Then my whole life flashed before me in what seemed seconds. But then I even saw the future. I saw how sad my family and friends were. They were all crying. I was upset for a moment but then felt that I had to accept it. Then all of a sudden I was back in my body- my boyfriend, who was also on these bad drugs, was holding me up and I was trying to walk but couldn't. All of a sudden I realized I was alive, but felt so bad that I almost wished I wasn't. But I realize I must have been given a second chance and knew the drugs would eventually wear off (10 or so hours later) I then became too messed up from the drugs to think about what had happened until I was sober. For years I believed this was all just from the drugs and what I experienced was something my brain conjured up from things I had heard from other people who had NDE's, but lately I can not stop thinking about it. I recently read some info about NDEs in a book and it listed things that happened to me that I had never heard from others before. Now I do not know what think about my experience. I try to tell myself it was not real, but when I do I feel pressure on my chest and feel like I am almost forced to believe it was true. Like something wants me to believe it is true. It took place in my flat in London, UK on late February of 2001.after an exhausting day at work I decided it was time for some release, went home with my friend and his girlfriend and a lot of drugs. I went to the bathroom where I shot a lethal injection of cocaine and morphine. It was an instant death. Although I didn't realized at first. I thought I was kind of sleeping. So I tried to stand up and I literally came out of my physical body! The sound of that music I can not possibly describe with words cause it simply can not be heard with that clarity in this world! It was breath taking! It was so beautiful. I was ready to explode from joy! I could see both worlds at first. Although the physical one resembled a black and white movie in comparison with the world in front of me! The colors were out of this world; so deep, so luminous, so beautiful! There was a door in front of me and I could hear joyous laughter coming from inside the door coming from too many people! I had this uncontrollable desire to step inside the door and meet all those souls! My perception increased on levels I didn't thought existed on a conscious level, although always knew them on a deeper level, locked inside of me! HOME! That was HOME! That's the word rung in my ears so loud and so clear! I'm outside time I thought. Time doesn't exist! I was ready to cross the threshold when I heard footsteps coming from the inside the door. My hearing was so acute, I could sense every little detail. This man comes from the door. I don't think I can find the right words to describe him here. His eyes was like an endless sea of love; too bright to look at his eyes I thought. However I started to get used of it! I know him, I thought! I KNOW HIM! I've been knowing him for 1,000 years! a thousand years is nothing here, too short! No, I've been knowing him for 10,000 years!hmm,10,000 means nothing here, time doesn't exist! He smiled at me while having those thoughts, nothing is hidden here, everything is revealed. He knew exactly what I was thinking with immense clarity and I love him, I love him so much, so much love. I couldn't take it any more, I thought I would explode like a balloon. He was gazing at me with this infinite love, infinite compassion and infinite peace. I clearly sensed that everything I've ever done in this life was recorded and he knew every little detail. He knows me and he loves me beyond description and he knows I am trying to remember who he is, because I forgot, as if I am waking up from a deep dream trying to adjust to reality. That's what it felt like, waking up from a dream, waking up to who I truly am and this life was nothing but a dream! in that glorious moment, I had one desire and one desire alone, to come back to this life and have this experience of rebirth while on a physical body. So he touched me on the forehead, smiling that compassionate smile, a smile of unlimited love deeper than any ocean you can think, knowing we'll meet again and probably…again, sending me back to my physical body I just left for about five minutes of our earthly time. I found my friend resuscitating me. I was back! I am back, knowing we all live forever, joined together by this great LIFE that orchestrates all physical life to the tune of LOVE! The tune of spiritual evolution that everybody takes a part; everything that we meant to experience we do…eventually! God bless! I tell this story to you with some reticence; because I've had some Christian
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Kawasaki KLE Croatia forum Off,Off, i samo Off ... topic !! => Trkeljanje o svemu i svačemu => Đonijev literalni kutak !! => Autor teme: Đoni - 23. Prvi dio "Jahači u magli" Prolog Ponekad vam se čini kao "deja vu" ili već viđeno, već viđeno u bezbroj glupih romana i filmova ali je tematika druga. Tematika je ovdje djelovala toliko stvarno i neočekivano za terasu restorana u Opatiji. Pravac Hamburg Referent mi je djelovao slinavo. Kao onaj tip državnog službenika koji se trudi da ugodi svome nadređenom ali ujedno i da mu zabije nož u leđa prvom prigodom, samo kako bi sjeo na njegovu izlizanu stolicu i dojučerašnje kolege gledao sa malo više pozicije. Pogledao me je kroz one socijalne naočale sa plastično metalnim okvirima i klimnuo glavom. "Da rezimiramo diplomirao si prije četiri mjeseca i nisi to prijavio u vojni odsjek dok te nismo pozvali na razgovor?" Jebi ga mogao me puknuti kamo je htio, što mi uostalom nije niti bilo važno za tih godinu dana ali ugodnije je ne izazivati vraga. Malo sam slegao ramenima i nasmiješio se samo krajevima usana tek toliko da djelujem ljubazno, a da debil preko puta mene ne misli da ga ismijavam. Sa tim nižim facama "u službi" bio sam uvijek oprezan, znali su se dići na zadnje noge za najmanju sitnicu. Još mi je samo falilo da prije JNA dobijem epitet "sumnjivi element u samoupravnom socijalizmu", a debilčić u stolici mi ga je mogao uvaliti u dosje, tek toliko da ga zapamtim. "Žao mi je nisam znao da moram čim diplomiram to prijaviti, mislio sam da će fakultet uraditi isto." Lik me pogleda kroz ona svoja stakla vrlo ozbiljno, što nije bio baš dobar znak. "To je tvoja dužnost kao omladinca, ako si uopće omladinac sa dvadeset i šest godina, meni si prije vječni student kojem je naše društvo to omogućilo." Jebi ga sad sam puko, lik ima kompleks više stručne spreme i mrzi sve iznad toga, shebat će me sto posto. Malo sam ponovno pokunjeno slegao ramenima i odmahnuo glavom. "Baka i djed su mi bolesni nemamo baš novca pa se ja moram brinuti o njima, normalno ne mogu na predavanja i fakultet pati." Idiote, zasvijetlio mi reklamni natpis u glavi, smisli nešto originalnije, cijelo susjedstvo zna da ti djed drži pčele i svako jutro vozi bicikl 8 kilometara do tih desetak košnica, a baka kuha sve, od zimnice do slatkog, na štednjaku na drva u dvorištu i uz to sa pet metara mazne krumpirom svaku mačku koja pokuša ukrasti nešto mesa sa stola dok ona cijepa drva. Na stolu uvijek uz put priprema nešto za u pećnicu, tek toliko da drva ne gore samo za peći papriku za ajvar ili kuhati šljive za slatko. Lik me ozbiljno pogleda i klimne glavom. "Je malo je to neugodno kada te muke u obitelji spopadnu. I meni bolesna mama i baka smetale da završim pravo do kraja, pa sam se morao prebaciti na višu upravnu." Pogled upućen nakon te izjave već je djelovao malo mekši. Odmahnuo je glavom. "Ništa pogledat ću gdje da te smjestim ipak si školovan ne mogu te tek tako među ove klince sa zanatom." Kamen mi pade sa srca i razvali koljeno pri padu. "Hvala druže pogotovu na razumijevanju". Lik odmahnu rukom. "Ništa samo radim svoj posao, dobićeš poštom, kada da se javiš i gdje ali ne baš tako brzo, ovi ljetnja klasa su svi pješadija i brdska pješadija za Tolmin u Sloveniji." Ljubazno se nasmiješio. "Ajd sad pa zdravo". "Zdravo i hvala još jedan put". Malo sam se mrzio radi uvlačenja ali ona stara narodna "sila boga ne moli". Vani me je čekao Strela. Sjedio je u hladu, na zidiću pored motora, i motao cigaretu. Dok sam mu prilazio namignuo je. "Gdje su te pukli?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Još ne znam ali se nadam nešto normalno." Liznuo je cigaret papir, omotan oko štapića duhana, zaljepio ga u savršenu cigaretu bez filtera i pružio mi, potom se bacio na motanje nove za sebe. Izvadih stari austrijski benzinski upaljač i zapalih. Zatvorio sam poklopac upaljača uz tipično klik i pružio ga Streli. Upravo je završio cigaretu pa smo skupa dimili bez riječi. Nakon par minuta tišine Strela baci cigaretu na zemlju i ugasi je petom tenisice. "Čuj idemo na piće bolje će biti nakon toga." Klimnuh glavom. "Kod Benny Hilla može?" Nasmiješio se. Zakopčao sam traper jaknu i zajahao svoj MZ 250, Strela je već navukao kacigu i startao svoj ČZ 175. Navukoh svoju istočno Njemačku kacigu i bacih start motora. Pet minuta kasnije provlačili smo se kroz promet glavne ulice u Zemunu pazeći da nas pri prelasku pune crte ne vidi koji "milkan", kako smo u lokalnom žargonu zvali tadašnju miliciju. Ne znam zašto ali dok smo sporo vozili kroz gradsku gužvu na pamet mi je stalno padala Goga. Dok smo stigli do kafića "Benny" stvar je legla na svoje mjesto, bilo mi je jasno. Kafić "Benny" je bio obična rupa u podrumu zgrade, par ulica dalje od dijela u kojem smo stanovali ali je imao specifično uređenje. Stari ručno rađeni drveni stolovi i klupe, kameni pod od sitnih kocki kamena, koji se inače nekada koristio za popločavanje cesti. Uz drveni šank na ručno izrađenoj polici stajala je JVC - HiFi linija i video rekorder koji je bio spojen na veliki Grunding TV. Na zidovima su bili posteri popularnog Benny Hill-a u plastičnim folijama. Četiri velika ručno rađena zvučnika su bila smještena u kutovima prostorije, a dva flipper-a u centru i to je bilo sve. Vlasnik Benny-ja je bio Marko Dileja. Marko je završio primijenjenu matematiku na Elektrotehničkom Fakultetu potom odradio četiri godine u nekom raju od društvene firme kao programer u COBOL-u i pukao. Godinu dana nije radio ništa potom je iznajmio od nekog "kućnog savjeta" podrum sa "higijenskim čvorom" i otvorio kafić. U to doba u Zemunu nije bilo lako držati kafić, uvijek si bio stisnut između onih "malo van zakona" sa jedne strane i milkana koji su ganjali iste sa druge. Marko je imao rješenje. Boca original Johnny Walker-a ispod šanka za druge i čelična cijev i bokser ispod šanka za prve. Znam da je negdje oko 90 te nakon smrti majke otišao u Australiju. Strela je upao prvi smjestio se za stol u kutu, a uz put dobacio Marku: "Daj nam dvije pive i dva normalna konjaka." Mahnuo je glavom prema meni. "Djoni je bio u vojnom odsjeku". Mjehur me mučio još od razgovora u vojnom i odmah sam se uputio u wc. Kada sam se vratio na stolu su bile dvije "Nikšićke" i dva konjaka 0,5. Kod Benny-ja se služila samo Nikšićka piva, po nekim pričama zato jer je Markov otac bio Crnogorac ali bliže istini je bilo zato što mu je bratić radio u Nikšićkoj pivovari. Pogledao sam Strelu u oči i nazdravio konjakom. Ispili smo "na eks". Sada je na redu bilo polako pijuckanje pive i razgovor. Prešao sam direktno na ono što me mučilo. "Slušaj Strela mene pokupe u JNA do prosinca, a ni ti nisi daleko od toga, čim završiš tu tvoju višu zidarsku ideš na dug svojoj domovini". Strela je klimnuo glavom. "Pa što misliš da opalimo put do Hamburga i malo se provedemo. Goga me ionako zvala više puta da navratim kod nje u posjet i eto .. smještaj i hranu imamo samo put? Iskoristimo ovo ljeto." Strela je bio hladnokrvan dečko. Sve što mu kažeš na kratko bi obradio u svojoj glavi i tek potom progovorio. Čekao sam jedan dugi gutljaj prije nego je odgovorio. "Misliš ti ja i Škot?" Spustio sam bocu na stol. "A tko drugi?" Okrenu je svoju bocu sa dva prsta malo u krug. "Bilo bi dobro, nikada nisam bio u Njemačkoj, a ima se tamo što vidjeti i doživjeti." Goga Goga je bila cura iz ulice četiri godine starija od mene. Gordana ili Ćaknuta Goca, kako su je zvale frustrirane "sretno udate" žene iz kvarta. Nije bila neka ljepota ali je bila visoka i zgođušna. Točnije imala je duge noge, pljosnatu zadnjicu i malo veće grudi. Facu joj je krasio specifičan izgled, punije usne na užoj faci i malo veći nos ili ti "kljuka" u žargonu. Imala je specifičan osmjeh i neku čudnu osobnost. Kada je krenula u srednju kemijsku školu, na drugom kraju grada, stari joj je dozvolio da vozi njegov tada već stariji Tomos T12 Kolibri. Moped 49 ccm sa tri brzine i ručnim mjenjačem i to je bilo to. Od početka srednje je nosila vojnu platnenu torbu preko ramena, izlizane traperice i traper jaknu. U školi je nizala samo petake. Kada je bila na trećoj godini spetljala se sa nekim likom sa dugom valovitom kosom. Potomak doseljenika "vlakom bez voznog reda" koji je završio zanat u Novom Sadu i potom prešao raditi u Zemunski Teleoptik. Lik se zvao Dejan i živio je u iznajmljenoj garsonjeri u potkrovlju. Vozio je ČZ Enduro 250, a po kiši starog fiću sa vratima koja su se otvarala sprijeda. Maštao je, u razgovorima, o nečem boljem izuzev rada od osam sati, u tvornici optičkih pomagala, za sitnu lovu. Svirao je gitaru i to uglavnom vesele rock stvari koje je povremeno prekidao sa nešto bluza. Bio je Ok po našim shvaćanjima ali po malograđanskom okruženju, živi promašaj od čovjeka. Goga je bila ludo zaljubljena u istog od prvog dana. Kako mi je kasnije pričala pasalo joj je kako tiho priča tim dubokim glasom oko toga što bi sve mogli uraditi zajedno. Planirana putovanja, koja nikada nisu ostvarili, zajednički život i pažnja koju ona zaslužuje. Goga je u totalu pukla i prebacila se u garsonjeru u potkrovlju, sa zajedničkim WC-om i kupaonom u hodniku. Loše je bilo što Goga još nije imala 18 godina pa je njen stari napravio strašnu frku kada se prebacila živjeti sa Dejanom. Završilo se na način da je milicija obavila svoj posao, a Gogin stari je odvukao istu doma i remenom joj objasnio koga će slušati. Naravno nakon toga je cijela bliža i daljnja okolica, u predgrađu gdje smo živjeli, imala o čemu pričati barem tri mjeseca. Goga nije izlazila iz kuće dva tjedna. Toliko je trebalo da plavice po licu i ramenima nestanu. Drugog tjedna je prije podne, dok joj je stari bio na poslu, stajala i gledala kroz prozor. U starom predgrađu Zemuna sve kuće su građene tako da dva prozora gledaju direktno na pločnik potom slijedi drvored pa cesta. Tako je počelo naše druženje. Prolazio sam na povratku iz "omladinskog Benny-ja" kamo sam tek počeo zalaziti. Djelovala je izgubljeno pa sam joj dobacio jedno toplo: "Heij Goga". Pogledala me i odvratila: "Hei Bambi." To je bilo sve za prvi put. Slijedeći dan sam vozio Pony bicikl do trgovine sa nardžbom za kućne potrebe. Ponovno je gledala kroz prozor vani. Djelovala mi je jadno. Uz sve naručeno za kuću kupio sam i jednu kokos čokoladicu. Kada sam prolazio pored Gogine kuće ista je još bila na prozoru. Zaustavio sam bicikl i ne silazeći upitao. "Kako je?" Nasmiješila mi se malim osmjehom jedva krajevima usana. "Bolje, dok tata ne dođe koristim malo za udahnuti zraka." Gogin tata je bio vrlo strog, kako prema sebi tako i prema drugima. Bio je šef odjela precizne mehanike u "Insi" – tvornici satova. Uvijek na vrijeme na poslu, nikad kasnio, uvijek uredan i ugledan član radničkog savjeta. Kritizirao je dosta okolicu i "novi moral mladih i te betlise". Skraćeno bio je uzoran član društva po mjerilima malograđanskog predgrađa, a i uživao je veliki ugled. Moja obitelj ga je cijenila jedino djed bi ponekada samo odmahnuo glavom. Nešto mu se nije sviđalo kod njega kao ni meni. Pružih Gogi čokoladicu. "Da lakše provedeš ostatak dana." Pogledala je zbunjeno u šarenu foliju, a potom je uzela sa dva prsta i stavila na rub prozora. "Bambi srce si veliko." Zvučala je iskreno toliko iskreno da sam se osjećao ugodno. Na kraju to mi je i bio cilj, oraspoložiti tužnu curu. Klimnuh joj glavom i produljih dalje doma. Još par sati sam se osjećao ugodno kada bi se sjetio Goge, a potom sam zaboravio, jednostavno na crno bijelom tv prijemniku je bio film "Plavi vojnik", jedan od onih koji su pomakli shvaćanje indijanaca u western filmovima, a za dečka od 14 godina "stvarno genijalno". Četiri godine kasnije sam pomogao Gogi da pobjegne od roditelja u Njemačku. Noć i jutro kojih ću se zauvijek sjećati. Poslije smo se dopisivali. Večeras više od trideset godina kasnije dok sjedim na terasi restorana u Opatiji žena koja je upravo ušla izgleda kao Goga. Izgleda kao Goga sa pedeset i šest godina, onakva kakvom bi je mogao uraditi onaj kompjuterski program, u koji uneseš sliku i neke karakteristike kao i broj godina koje prolaze i izbaciti ti kako ćeš izgledati. Boja kose je ista ona koje se sjećam od prije dvadeset i više godina iz Njemačke, kada sam je zadnji put vidio. Vadim cigaretu iz kutije moje nevjenčane žene, odnosno one sa kojom živim već godinama. Začuđeno me gleda već tri mjeseca sam samo na elektroničkoj cigareti. Prati moj pogled i gleda u tu riđokosu ženu koja je upravo stupila nogom, u čipkanoj čarapi i visokoj potpetici, na terasu restorana. Ako je Goga malo se ugojila ali još "drži crtu" i izgleda zgođušno za svoje godine u toj crnoj haljini sa dubokim izrezom sa strane. Isti malo veći nos na uzanom licu, iste punije usne i zelene oči. Mirjana vlasnica restorana je dočekuje kao i sve goste koji mirišu na lovu. Nešto pričaju i odvodi je do stola u kutu gdje sjeda sama. Odvratio sam pogled i zapalio cigaretu. Lidija je očigledno dobro snimila potencijalnu Gogu i utvrdila da je znatno starija i manje zgodna od nje pa ne komentira ništa. Pogledam moju Lidiju i osmjehnem se. "Došlo mi da osjetim i malo katrana u plućima". Klima glavom i ne komentira već uzima čašu plavca i polako ispija gutljaj. Ne znam što raditi. Vuče me da priđem tom stolu i raščistim tko je ta gospođa jednostavnim pitanjem "Oprostite da li ste vi Gordana ...". Sa druge strane što bih rekao Lidiji zašto to radim, a bez veze zvuči ako potencijalna Goga kaže hladno "Žao mi je nisam, pogriješili ste". Još gore djeluje ako kaže "Jesam, a vi ste?". Djeluje najbolje kosture iz ormara ostaviti u ormaru. Osmjehujem se Mirajni dok prolazi i za dvije minute račun je na stolu. Lidija ne pita ništa. Dok idemo zagrljeni prema mojoj staroj škodi pita više polu radoznalo ali ne zainteresirano. "Onu stariju gospođu u crnoj haljini što je upravo došla poznaješ?" Slegnuh ramenima. "Mislim da je znam poslom ali nisam siguran". Lidija odmahnu slobodnom rukom. "Daj malo olabavi, pusti posao i likove koje srećeš tamo. Mislim sada smo nas dvoje i zaboravi te gluposti koje radiš na poslu." Poljubih je i više to nismo spominjali. Dok sam četkao zube u kupaoni ponovno mi je u glavi bila slika žene koja bi mogla biti Goga. Pravac Hamburg Strela se već vratio od šanka gdje je razmijenio par riječi sa Markom dok sam ja pokušavao smotati cigaretu ručno. Ono sa cigaretom što je njemu polazilo glatko za rukom za mene je bila "viša matematika". Ipak je na kraju to sličilo na cigaretu. Prilazeći Strela kritički odmjeri cigaretu. "Treba ti još vježbe da to bude cigareta". Iskreno se smiješio. Ubacio se na stolicu preko puta mene i dohvatio bocu sa ostatkom pive. Kada sam uz "klik" zatvorio upaljač prešao je na stvar. "Ima do Hamburga više od dvije tisuće kilometara. Znači najmanje od najmanjeg tri dana puta, računaj četiri." Polako je smotao sebi cigaretu dok je pričao. "Marko kaže da nema spavanja uz cestu policija ne dopušta ali ima umjetnih jezera sa plažom pa od ujutro od negdje 8 sati do navečer nitko te ne pita da li spavaš na plaži ili ne. Problem drugi lova. Koliko nam treba za to?" Ekipa smo bili Strela, Škot i ja. Sve probleme kako doći do love su uglavnom prepuštali meni. Nitko od nas nije želio "sa one strane zakona" izuzev na nivou prekršaja u stilu "ako te uhvate plati prekršaj i nestani". Duboko sam udahnuo dim cigarete i polako ga ispuhao van. "Najmanje tisuću i pol maraka, svatko od nas ima nešto sačuvano, za dalje imamo samo dva izbora. Tile, ako treba slike za "Borisa" i Fleka kao zadnja šansa". Strela je klimnuo glavom. "Idem nazvati Škota imaš dva dinara da pustim u staklenku?" Prekopah po džepovima i nađoh dvije kovanice od dinar. Položih sitniš na ispruženi dlan. Strela stisnu šaku i zaputi se prema šanku, gdje je bio stari telefon za javnu uporabu, samo si morao ubaciti nešto sitno u staklenku pored istog. Pokupih cigarete i upaljač sa stola i otpih zadnji gutljaj pive. Polako sam došao do šanka i namignuo Marku. Isti opali ko iz topa. "Tri tisuće i šesto", prbacujući u "stare dinare" račun. Pažljivo položih na šank tri puta po deset dinara u papiru i tri kovanice po dva. "Zadrži ostatak". Strela je već završio rzagovor i čekao na kraju šanka. Priđoh mu. "Škot je doma čeka nas." Pet sekundi kasnije bili smo na motorima i prašili tih par ulica do Škota. Dvorišna vrata su već bila otvorena, što je bio pouzdan znak da nas Škot čeka. Polako smo parkirali motore pod trešnjom odmah do Škotove Jawe 350, a na kojoj smo mu zavidjeli. Dok sam ja još petljao sa istočnonjemačkom kacigom Strela je zatvorio vrata i javio se gospođa Marici, Škotovj mami koja je čistila neku ribu na malom stolu u hladu. Iz podrumske prostorije iza nje je dopirala glasna glazba Bronski Beats. Škot je sjedio za starim stolom na svom Comodore 64. Ispred njega je umjesto ekrana bio stari crno bijeli TV. Na zidovima prostorije su bili razni posteri najviše motori, nekoliko postera iz filma Conan 2 dio, prirodno našla se uz iste i Grace Jones, centralni prostor je zauzimao Đoni Štulić. Još prije deset godina roditelji su mu dodijelili jednu od dvije postojeće podrumske prostorije "da tamo vrišti sa svojom ekipom". Lijevo od ulaza u podrum je bila mala prostorija sa wc-om i umivaonikom. Tako je naša ekipa umjesto svojih dječijih soba dobila svoj odvojen prostor. Prostorija je bila uređena na način da je preko pločica na podu bilo bačeno par starih tepiha, na ručno izrađenoj polici je bio smješten stari Receiver "HSR 48" gramofon "Tosca HiFi" i gomila LP ploča. Polica je isto kao i postojeća dva ormara bila ručno obojena u crno. Ormari su bili potpuno različitog izgleda i predstavljali dvije generacije Škotove obitelji. Za sjedenje i izležavanja su korištena dva kauča smještena uza zid naspram ormara i nakrcana sa par jastučića. Škot je samo klimnu i dalje nešto tipkajući, pored njega je bila krcata pepeljara i velika šalica kave, dok smo se nas dvojica polako smjestila što znači da smo skinuli jakne i bacili ih na kauč otvorili jedan od ormara i nasuli si, u staklene čaše od eurokrema, malo Gromovače Škotovog djeda. Strela je smotao cigaretu i ispraznio veliku pepeljaru potom se vratio i smjestio do mene na kauč pepeljaru je položio između nas. Sa jedinog prozora iznad naših glava je dopirala slaba svjetlost ali to nam nije smetalo. Škot je snimio na kazetar onaj program koji je pisao i izvadio drinu bez filtera iz kutije. Polako je otišao do ormara i nasu i sebi malo domaće rakije potom prišao gramofonu i stavio novu LP. Iz zvučnika su krenuli specifični tonovi početka Štulićeve Balkan. Svi smo se pucali na Azru, a ja sam na gitari i znao odsvirati dosta njihovih stvari, tako sam polako umjesto nadimka Bambi zaradio nadimak Đoni. Škot je složio par jastučića na pod uz vrata ormara naspram nas i sa pepeljarom u jednoj ruci, a cigaretom u drugoj, smjestio na njih. Leđa je udobno naslonio na ormar i udahnuo duboko dim cigarete. "Ljilja nema ništa protiv da me nema koji tjedan, tako da sam slobodan." Ljilja je bila Škotova cura. Završila je višu ekonomsku zaposlila se u nekoj banci kao knjigovođa i dobro uklopila u naše društvo. Točnije rečeno radila je pa nije imala puno vremena da nam smeta, a ono malo što bi bila u ekipi je bila OK. "Vas dva ste slobodnjaci znači svi smo za." Otpio je iz čaše. "Blago vama dok sam ja bio u JNA vi ste bili ekipa, pitam se što ću ja kada pokupe vas dvojicu do kraja godine." Strela je bacio jastučić u njegovom pravcu. "Ne seri bit će tebi dobro i sa Ljiljom, sada će te moći maziti i paziti više sati na dan." Nasmijali smo se sva trojica na već poznato ugađanje Škotu od strane Ljilje. Meni to uopće nije bilo čudno budući da su cure padale na Škota tek tako. Strela i ja smo bili visoki mršavi i više žilavi. Škot je bio srednje visine za muškarca ali vrlo skladno građen imao je i puni šarm "zavodnika iz filomova" i u ekipi je bio osoba za kontakt sa curama. Drugim rječima uvijek bi on prvi prišao nekoj curi iz ženske ekipe u diskoteci ili na nekom plesnjaku. Nas dvojica bi se ubacili kada on ostvari prvi kontakt, a za to je bio majstor. Načitan i po prirodi duhovit bio je lik kojem je malo koja cura mogla odoljeti. Nam je to išlo teže ali je ipak išlo solidno. Dovoljno solidno da budemo samouvjereni, a mislim da je to olakšavalo daljnji pristup curama. Škot je završio strojarstvo u roku, a već iste godine otišao na odsluženje JNA. Ja sam prve dvije godine Ekonomskog dao u roku, a na trećoj sam otkrio "spectrum 48 " kućni kompjutor i programiranje u basic-u. Treću godinu sam odradio "skoro pa odlično", kako je moja mama znala reći, odnosno dao sam sve ispite izuzev dva najlakša. Uvjet za četvrtu godinu je bio da se samo jedan ispit može prenijeti tako sam morao "ponoviti" treću dok ne dam taj ispit razlike. Normalno prešutio sam mojima da zadnji mogući ispitni rok nisam niti koristio, a da Engleski prvi stupanj ne moram niti učiti. Problem je bio što sam otkrio laku zaradu na prodaji gotovih strojnih programa, za tada rašireni "spectrum 48", studentima raznih prirodnih faksova za stvari gdje je trebalo dosta preračuna. Ispite sam dao već u prvom ponavljačkom roku i imao pred sobom deset mjeseci slobode. Život je bio lijep motor i laka lova od programa bez ikakvih obaveza. Moji nisu radili probleme bitno im je bilo da "to sa fakultetom ide naprijed". Takav život vam se osladi pa sam isti trik primijenio i na četvrtoj godini, čvrsto ukopan u odluci da se ne ukopam "čim prije" u JNA posao u raju društvene firme i brak. U razdoblju četvrte godine sam otkrio i dodatne izvore zarade, jeftine slike iz Rumunjske i povremeni rad preko studentske zadruge na tada prvim PC računalim u "BSG International". Tri odlične godine života, čak sam si i kupio rabljenu stariju škodu 110. Na kraju svemu što je dobro dođe kraj nitko više nije imao razumijevanja za moj samo još jedan ispit i diplomski, a najviše su prednjačili moji koji su napokon izgubili strpljenje sa mojim produljenim fakultetskim stažom . Nakon dva sata i nekoliko čašica gromovače plan je bio gotov. Na podu između nas je ležala auto karta Evrope sa svježom mrljom od kave tri šalice za kavu i pepeljara već dobro napunjena. Sve je bilo dogovoreno ostao je još samo problem love. Za malo produljenog putovanja od tri tjedna trebalo nam je najmanje oko 1000 maraka po glavi. Svi smo imali već nešto na strani ali je i svaki od nas bio kratak za oko 300 - 400 DEM. Škot je već pripremio teren, nazvao je Tileta i pitao ga "kako ide sa slikama". Odgovor je na naše zadovoljstvo bio "da bi trebalo pet do sedam komada ali pogođenih". Tile Tile se prezivao Tišma pa je tako i dobio nadimak. U društvu samo ga uvijek zvali Tile ali ponekada u javnosti pogotovu ako bi neka od onih baba iz AFŽ-a, sa sumnjičavom partiznaskom logikom, bila u blizini zvali smo ga Tišma. Nije nam se dalo objašnjavati nikome da se recimo izjava "Tile je ispao glup u zadnjem poslu" odnosila na Tišmu, a ne na tada već pokojnog maršala Tita. Iz potpuno praktičnih razloga skoro do kraja osamdesetih je jednako bilo u upotrebi i njegovo prezime i nadimak. Tiletov stari je diplomirao na ekonomiji i radio u vanjskoj trgovini. Love je uvijek bilo u većim količinama mislim najviše zahvaljujući deviznim dnevnicama. Do sredine osamdesetih prosječna plaća je bila oko 400 DEM, a samo pet dana deviznih dnevnica je "puštalo na stranu" preko tisuću DEM. Tile je imao odličan slikarski talent međutim njegov stari je želio da mu sin bude "inžinjer ili lječnik" i to je sebi duboko utuvio u glavu. Kao i svi po prirodi skloni umjetnosti Tile nije imao puno interesa za prirodne znanosti ali je pod presijom oca završio u prirodno matematičkoj gimnaziji. Završio je dvije godine gimnazije naslikao i nacrtao brdo stvari za koje je na amaterskim natječajima pokupio dosta nagrada i pukao. Napustio je srednju školu "tek tako". Višemjesečne svađe u kući je razriješila Tiletova majka jednostavnim ultimatumom. "Ili ga ti stari idiote pusti na miru ili sin i ja idemo kod mojih u Suboticu." Pobijedila je ljubav prema obitelji pa je Tiletov stari prihvatio novonastalu situaciju i svoju krivicu za to. Mir se vrati u kuću, a godinu dana kasnije Tile se upisao na likovnu akademiju bez srednje škole samo po uvjetima natječaja za one koji bez neke mature žele na akademiju. Bio je među prvima po talentu pokazanom na prijemnom i rekordno je završio. Pred kraj studija je "servisirao" jednu asistenticu, koja je opet dobro "servisirala" svog profesora, a koji je bio i neka faca među kritičarima. Tako su Tiletove slike još pred kraj studija dobile najbolje moguće krtike. Polako je postajao poznat. Asistentica mu je sredila i društveni prostor za atelje. Točnije dobio je tridesetak metara neuređenog tavanskog prostora. Tile se nije uzbuđivao. Proveo je jedno ljeto "na slikarskoj tezgi" po Jadranu. Sa iskaznicom akademije imao je pravo dok ne završi tezgariti, kao i masa drugih sa stolicom na sklapanje i par zakupljenih metara pločnika uz neku rivu. Išlo mu je više nego dobro, a troškovi su bili minimalni budući da je dobar dio vremena spavao i jeo po "omladinskim centrima" kao "ilegalac". Vratio se sa dovoljno love da sa prijateljima uredi atelje i doda kupaonu i wc. Preselio se u atelje i postao "samo svoj". Tada i dolazi u dvojbu. Njegove slike imaju dobru kritiku i prodaju se po većim cijenama ali samo one koje radi na svoj način uz inspiraciju i sporije. Za lovu mu trebaju jeftinije slike u većim količinama ali tada bi uništio svoju reputaciju u začetku. Takvih brzopoteznih slikara sa jeftinim slikama je bila gomila. Tile je želio zadržati rejting ali i zaraditi, a u to doba umjetničke slike sa većom cijenom su se teže prodavale. Radnička klasa nije imala dovoljno love izdržavati umjetnika na tržištu. Uvijek je postojalo nešto važnije za kupiti, lova za rabljenog Yuga ili novi kolor TV i slično. Tile je razmotrio problem sa više strana i izmislio Boriss-a. Nepostojeći Boriss je bio navodno slikar naivac kojeg je Tile otkrio i radio mu usluge na način da je u svom ateljeu jeftinije prodavao i slike sa potpisom Boriss. Slike su išle najviše radi cijene koja je bila umjerena i društvenih stanova čiji betonski zidovi vape za bilo kakvim pokrivalom. Tile je imao opravdanje za kičaste slike koje "imaju ono nešto" u Borisu ali nije imao uvijek dovoljno vremena da uradi veću količinu istih ipak je držao i do rejtinga koji Boriss ima. Naša ekipa je imala vremena i potrebu za jeftinim servisom motora u Rumunjskoj ili Mađarskoj (tada još uvijek željnih traperica, vegete i najlon hulahopki). Tako je nastao dogovor o poslu. Pravac Hamburg Ovaj put smo se odlučili za Rumunjsku većim dijelom zato što nam je prije puta trebao i dobar ali jeftin servis motora sa zamjenom svih ploča i pločica na kočnicama, a iz iz razloga trenutnog među tečajnog odnosa vegeta, traperice, najlonke i na crno kupljena rumunjska valuta prema tome što namjeravamo kupiti i uraditi. Ujedno imali smo i svoja dva čovjeka za sve potrebne transakcije u Rumunjskoj. Nabava materijala za prodaju i kratka priprema motora oduzela je jedan dan. Spremali smo se krenuti oko 4 sata slijedećeg jutra. Pijesak Zajahali smo prije svitanja računajući na čekanje na granici. Pravac kretanja Pančevo, Vršac Timisoara (Temišvar). U malom selu prije granice kod "Ace Ciganina" kupili smo nešto Rumunjskih leia (leu) po direkt tečaju marke – leji, koji je uvijek bio povoljniji. Na graničnom prijelazu je bila gužva i provlačili smo se pomalo između auta praćeni kišom psovki nezadovoljnih vozača. Naši nisu radili puno problema kod ulaska u Rumunjsku. Rumunjski carinik nas je normalno odmah izdvojio na stranu i tražio da otvorimo torbe na prtljažnicima. Prišao je Škotu dok je otvara torbu, ovaj mu je odmah po otvaranju sa vrha "robe za prodaju" pokupio i pružio dvije kutije Marlbora. Cigarete je strpao u džep brzinom svjetlosti, a torbu samo pretražio rukama koliko je dohvatio. Kada je prišao mojoj već otvorenoj torbi na vrhu robe ga je čekao veliki paket žvakaćih i crveni Ronhill isti su nestali jednakom brzinom i u istom pravcu kao Marlboro. Ubacio je obe ruke u torbu i prepipao sadržaj. Kada se uvjerio da je u pitanju samo standardna šverc roba klimnuo je glavom i bez riječi produžio ka Streli koji je opušteno čekao kod motora računajući na to "kako je krenulo dobro ide". Strelu nije pregledao samo je pitao: "Ima nesto?". Strela odmahnu glavom pružajući kutiju Marlbora. Mahnuo nam je da prođemo i desetak kilograma u srcu lakši, za težinu onog kamena koji je pao, produljismo dalje. Sa tadašnjim Rumunjskim carinicima nikada nisi znao. Većina ih je bila razumna i ako nisi pretjerao sa količinom robe za prodaju pokupili bi što im se nudi (po pravilu roba koje u Rumunjskoj nikako nije bilo ili je bila preskupa) i pustili te dalje. Ponekada bi ti oduzeli kilo dvije vegete ili paket najlonki. Normalno ako si pametan nisi pitao potvrdu već uz kiseli smiješak klimnuo glavom. Sa druge dvije kategorije carinika je bilo gore. Prvi su bili oni koji su kako tako provodili Rumunjski carinski zakon, a što je značilo oduzimanje viška robe ili u najboljem slučaju vraćanje natrag preko granice u jugu. Takvi su bili rijetki. Gori su bili ufurani u posao na svoju ruku. Takvi bi redovito oduzimali 10 – 30% robe po vlastitoj procijeni i potrebi. Ovima neku potvrdu o oduzimanju nisi smio niti pomisliti, a ne tražiti, u protivnom bi palo skidanje do gola i svi mogući pregledi. Kamo je oduzeta roba završavala znali smo samo po pričama "pravih švercera". Roba se jednim djelom podijelila kolegama da šute, a ostatak je raznim kanalima završavao u Rumunjskim zabitima gdje je postizao po 4 – 5 puta veću cijenu nego u velikim gradovima, kamo bi u pravilu rijeka jugo sitnih švercera završila. Socijalistički realizam u Rumunjskoj nije nudio veliki izbor robe. Isto je nadoknadila gomila sitnih jugo švercera. Motore smo parkirali pred velikom robnom kućom i torbe uzeli sa sobom. Robna kuća je imala vlastitu galeriju sa slikama Rumunjskih poznatih i onih manje poznatih umjetnika. Strela je bio u odličnim odnosima sa šefom galerije budući da je pomalo govorio francuski, a šef nije baš pucao od znanja nekog od jugo jezika. Livu nas je dočekao sa osmjehom, vjerojatno mu je zaliha robe malo presušila. Bio je niži i debeo ali mu je sako odijela dobro prikrivao poveći trbuh. Strela se rukovao i nakon par riječi na francuskom mahnuo glavom da prijeđemo u zadnju prostoriju. Po tradiciji prvo smo pokazali robu odnosno vegetu, "Filter 160", najlonke i dva para jeftinih "Beko Lee Cuper" traperica. Klimnuo je glavom, a potom poslagao uza zid desetak slika bez okvira. Strela je jedini imao slikarskog talenta, a i mama mu je predavala likovnu umjetnost u srednjoj strojarskoj. Tako smo nas dva samo stajali u mirisu terpentina i razgledali slikarsku opremu i slike, dok Strela nije završio odabir. Odabrao je pet pejzaža i dvije mrtve prirode. Upitno je pogledao prema meni. Zaključio sam da pejzaži uvijek dobro dođu za dnevni boravak, a one vaze sa cvijećem se budu dobro uklopile u neku blagavaonu. Klimnuh glavom. Sada je slijedio uobičajeni cirkus na kraju kupovine zvani "doplati razliku u markama". Livu je nešto brzo šaputao sa Strelom, a ovaj je odmahivao glavom. Na kraju nakon par minuta prepirke na francuskom Strela dođe polako do mene. "Daj mu dvadeset marona i ništa više". U Rumunjskoj je bilo strogo zabranjeno trgovati ili plaćati stranom devizom pogotovu onom kapitalističkom. Dok sam prilazio Livu Strela i Škot su krenuli malo prema vratima. Plan je bio jednostavan ako bi, ne daj bože, Livu ipak namjestio nešto sa policijom njih dvojica bi napravila gužvu na vratima kod upada drotova, a u međurazdoblju bih ja gurnuo sve marke iza neke slike. Poslije neka dokazuju tko ih je tamo stavio. Nije da nismo vjerovali Livu ali je po našim saznanjima previše šverao i ljubio kapitalističku valutu pa je uvijek mogao pasti i biti prisiljen na suradnju. Normalno one prave se ne bi usudio cinkati ali nas sitne bi rado prodao da izvuče kožu, a u tadašnjoj Rumunjskoj bilo je dovoljno da te nađu sa devizama i neki svjedok da potvrdi da je primio tu i tu količinu. Ako bi devize bile iza slike uvijek smo se mogli vaditi da ih je sam izvadio od tamo i ponudio nama za plaćanje. Sve je prošlo u najboljem redu novac nije niti vidio svijetlo dana kojom brzinom je nestao iz moje ruke kada sam ga samo pokušao pružiti. Roba je isto tako brzo nestala sa stola. Na crno tih dvadeset maraka je vrijedilo deset do dvanaest puta više od službenog tečaja. Klimnuo je glavom i brzo izvadio tri tanke kartonske tube. U svakoj je bilo standardno pakiranje po tri komada jeftinog slikarskog platna umotanog u rolu, a koje je trebalo naknadno rasteći po okviru. Pažljivo je skinuo odabrana platna sa slikama sa ramova. Slijedeća faza je bila da je razdvojio svaku kartonsku tubu, bez otvaranja, na način da je odvojio vanjski sloj izvukao rebrasti izolacijski karton i umjesto njega namotao platna sa slikama. Potom je pažljivo vratio i zaljepio po rubovima vanjski tamnozeleni karton. Pred nama su bile tri tube jeftinog slikarskog platna u original pakiranju. Takvo se često znalo donositi iz Rumunjske. Uvijek sam se divio vještini i brzini kojom je to obavljao, očigledno je isto često radio. Devize i roba na crno budu mu donijele zaradu u višestrukoj vrijednosti slika. Pola sata kasnije smo sjedeli u jedinom kafiću u blizini koji je imao neku glazbu. Rumunjska zabavna glazba sa klasičnog magnetofona, "cassette tape deck" im je bio nedostupan. Pili smo Bacardi i gusti sok, torbe nismo ispuštali ispod sigurnog pritiska potkoljenicama. Ovdje su krađe jugo švercera od strane domaćih spretnih prstiju bile česte. Daljnji plan je bio jasan trebalo nam je malo servisa ali i još po nešto da nas carina pri povratku ne pita za slikarska platna. Doru Bugarin je šefovao u nekoj auto mehaničarskoj radionici u predgrađu. Ovo je već bila pomalo neugodna zona kretanja, što zbog lopova koji su se muvali tražeći jugo švercere da ih preveslaju pri kupovini robe na crno ili organizirano pokradu, što po policiji koja je ganjala prethodne pa je bila prisutna u većem broju. Uobičajeni trik je bio da bi netko od starijih prišao i pitao za vegetu ili cigarete "Ibar". Ako bi žrtva otvorila torbu sa više robe ponudio bi se da otkupi svu robu ali malo manje od uobičajene cijene. Ako bi naivac nasjeo da brzo završi prvi dio posla pa više vremena ima za kupovinu rumunjske robe scenario bi bio jednostavan. Roba bi se pregledala i prebacila u jeftinu torbu koju bi žrtva držala u svojoj ruci. Uslijedilo bi brojanje novca u ruci kupca do dogovorenog iznosa. Isti je prvo slagao u drugu ruku krupne novčanice do blizu iznosa potom bi bio malo suh pa počeo dodavati više sitnih na vrh novca. Sve je izgledalo OK. U trenutku dodavanja sitnih novčanica obično bi prišlo nekoliko klinaca dosadno tražeći da kupi žvakaće. Nastala bi mala gužva. Žrtva bi pažljivo pratila novac i kada bi iznos bio točno nabrojan netko bi iznenada viknu "Policija policija". Klinci bi se razbježali, a kupac drugom rukom dohvatio mac novca i gurnuo ga žrtvi u ruke potom brzo preuzeo torbu i otrčao. Sretni prodavac bi gurnuo novac u džep i brzo se udaljio. Nakon par stotina metara kada se osjećao sigurno izvukao bi novac iz džepa. Umjesto dogovorenog iznosa našao bi samo one sitne novčanice sa vrha kupa novca, spretni kupac je kod guranja novca ka žrtvi u ruci u kojoj je počivao kup zadržao sve krupne novčanice i došao do robe za 5 -10% od ugovorene cijene. Bilo je još trikova ali je ovaj bio najčešći za naivce koje su nepogrešivo znali nanjušiti. Pričalo se i da policajci ponekada znaju biti u dogovoru ali nikada nisam čuo potvrdu tih priči. Doru je bio Rumunjskog porijekla sto posto ali kada nas je prvi put vidio u svojoj auto mehaničarskoj radionici pitao nas je da li smo bugari, tako je ostao Doru Bugarin. Bio je oko pedeset godina srednje visine i žilav. Bratić mu je radio kao šef u obližnjoj trgovini prehrambenim proizvodima pa je za cijeli posao bio premija na lotu. Doru je želio sina ali je samo dogurao do četvrte kćeri kada je žena rekla dosta. Tako je živio u zajednici pet žena i veselio se svakom mlađem muškom društvu vjerojatno sanjajući da bi neostvareni sin dobro izgledao na motoru, a doma bio odlično društvo za muške razgovore. Srdačno se rukovao sa nama i svakog potapšao po ramenu. Sjeli smo u njegov mali ured i stavio je neku mađarsku rakiju od marelice i četiri čaše na stol. Kada smo ispili i zapalili Škot je izvadio iz torbe paket od deset pari najlonki "Pegi", tri jeftina ženska seta make up-a i kilo vegete kao poklon. Doru se široko nasmješio i brzo prebacio robu u ladice stola. Potom smo ponudili ostatak robe na prodaju. Sve je išlo brzo cijena je bila unaprijed poznata. Razgovor je bio specifičan budući da je Doru znao oko stotinjak riječi svih naroda i narodnosti ondašnje Jugoslavije, a uz to i oko stotinjak riječi njemačkog, što je u Rumunjskoj bila rijetkost. Tako sam ja igrao ulogu glavnog prevodioca. Objasnio nam je da bratić ima u trgovini dovoljno salama i sira ali da je malo tanak sa orasima. Tko pita bitno je da ima neke robe za trošak puta. Pitao je za motore. "Standardno odgovorih ali i šminkanje guma". OK možemo na ručak za dva sata sve je spremno. Pustili smo torbe u radionici sa sobom smo ponijeli samo tube sa slikama u malom ruksaku. Dva kilometra dalje bila nam je već poznata gostiona "Cismigui". Šetnja je pojačala glad pa su miješano meso i salata dobili sjajan ukus koji nije kvarilo čak ni loše rumunjsko pivo. Dva sata kasnije sve je bilo spremno. Doru nam je objasnio što je urađeno na servisu sva tri motora dok se pet šest mladih učenika još motalo oko njega. Pustih dvije kutije Ronhilla na stol za dečke. Samo su to čekali. Korektno nam je naplatio servis a potom pokazao na gume. Izgledale su ko nove na sjajnim felgama. "Može prljanje" upitah. Klimnuo je glavom i nešto povikao na rumunjskom. Dva mulca su brzo donijela sandučić sa pijeskom i malo blata. Na gume koje su izgledale kao nove nabacali su malo blata pomješanog sa pijeskom. Sada su gume izgledale kao nove ali malo namjerno uprljane. Ušli smo u ured i ponovno natočili onu rakiju. Doru iz ormara izvadi naše tri torbe i svaku posebno otvori i pokaza sadržaj. OK salama sir i nešto oraha sve ravnomjerno raspoređeno. Razgovor je tekao do kraja druge cigarete. Dovoljno da se ono blato i pijesak dobro osuše. Krenuli smo, svatko je dodao po jednu tubu sa slikama u svoju torbu, čekao nas je prelazak granice i naša carina. Sa slikama podijeljenim u tri paketa mogli smo dobiti dobru novčanu kaznu uz oduzimanje robe ali je pojedinačno bila premala vrijednost za bilo kakvu "krivičnu" to smo znali. Carinik nas je izdvojio kako smo i očekivali. "Pasoš i prometnu molim." Pružih mu zatraženo. Bio je visok suh sa nezainteresiranim izrazom lica, a to nije mirisalo na dobro. Pažljivo je pregledao mašinu motora koja se nakon glancanja sjajila. Obišao je oko motora i zagledao gume. Dok je obilazio skinuh gumene natezače sa prtljažnika i otvorih torbu. Ovlaš je pogledao unutra. Dohvatio je tubu sa platnom i slikama i izvadio je vani. Srce mi poče davati jazz bubnjarski finiš. "Izvadite te gornje salame." Polako izvadih dvije velike salame ispod se ukaza nekoliko manjih i gomila sireva. Ubacio je tubu natrag u torbu i klimnu glavom. "Čekajte". Slična stvar se ponovila i kod Škota. "Kome trebaju ova platna?" Upita. "Cura mi je na akademiji, a kod nas su skupa." Škot je odgovorio nemarno i uvjerljivo. Potrgao je original omot sa kartonskog poklopca i pažljivo malo izvukao prazna platna. Slegao je ramenima i vratio Škotu tubu. Kod Strele je samo pažljivo pregledao motor. "Nove gume i servis motora". Nasmiješio se. "Ne samo servis ali su prali motore pa djeluje kao da..." započeo je Strela. Zaustavio ga je pokretom ruke i uručio mu sva tri pasoša i prometne potom je polako krenuo ka koloni vozila koja je čekala. Dok je odlazio dobacio je. "Slijedeći put neka vam malo bolje zaprljaju gume, a ne ovako pacerski". Mahnuo je rukom ne okrećući se. Prišli smo Streli i uzeli svoju dokumentaciju. Polako smo krenuli. Par kilometara od granice smo se počeli utrkivati. Raspoloženje je bilo očito. Život je bio lijep. Usporili smo nakon desetak minuta i produljili normalnim ritmom vožnje. Pala mi je na pamet priča o pijesku koju sam pročitao u nekom "Start-u". Negdje sredinom pedesetih godina jedan pogranični stanovnik je prelazio iz Italije u Švicarsku na rad svaki dan tamo i nazad. Prelazio je vlakom ali često je išao i prljavim biciklom. Običan tvornički radnik uljudan i fin na granici. Problem za carinike je nastao kada se prvi put pojavio iz Švicarske sa torbom pijeska na prtljažniku bicikla. Pregledali su dobro pijesak ali nisu ništa našli. Priča se produljila kada bi lik na svom prljavom biciklu išao u Švicarsku nije nosio ništa ali kada bi se vraćao nosio je torbu pijeska. Pijesak su pregledali, slali na analizu i na kraju popizdili pregledali su detaljno radnika rastavili bicikl i nisu našli ništa. Isti je dao objašnjenje da nešto zida doma i da uz put nabavi malo pijeska. Nisu ništa pitali dalje, a priča sa pijeskom je išla još neko vrijeme. Svaki treći ili četvrti povratak je bila torba pijeska na biciklu. Ponekada je i u vlaku imao torbu pijeska na povratku. Digli su ruke nakon još par pokušaja da ga uhvate. Prošlo je par godina, a radnik je sada već prelazio granicu u malenom Fiatu ali bez pijeska. Standard je u poslijeratnoj Evropi porastao. Jedan stari carinik ga je dobro pamtio. Jednog dana je ovlaš pregledao njegov Fiat 500 vratio mu pasoš i upitao ga: "Daj mi molim te, sada reci što ti je značio onaj pijesak prije par godina, samo mi reci što si švercao i nikada te više neću gnjaviti?" Radnik ga je pogledao i odgovorio: "Pa bicikl." Dodao sam gas i zaobišao Škota čekao sam da Strela obiđe obojicu. Idemo li na slijedeći nastavak? Kaj se čeka ????? Da al bar za 1/4 kraci jer kad vidim ovako dugo neda mi se citati ,bolje vise nastavak a krace :bang: da da da :D :D :D ne triba krače, čak i ovo malo bude kad se uživiš :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: Dodao sam gas i zaobišao Škota čekao sam da Strela obiđe obojicu. Pravac Hamburg Dodao sam gas i zaobišao Škota čekao sam da Strela obiđe obojicu. Pravac Hamburg Prelazili smo most i prilazili Zemunu. Od "Brankovog mosta" do zemuna je vodila široka brza cesta sa dvije trake u svakom smjeru. Sa strane je bio drvored i pločnik. Uvijek sam se osjećao posebno kada sam se vraćao u Zemun. Nije to bila stara priča o sukobu "Zemunaca" i "Beograđana" ili još češće onih sa "Novog beograda" kao produljenja Beograda, a koji je nakon drugog rata prešao Savu te primio u svoje okrilje masu novokomponiranih radnika iz raznih krajeva. Jednostavno bio je to povratak doma. Povratak u široke ravno ustrojene ulice i drvorede još od doba Austrije, u starom dijelu grada i uredno posložene kuće i zgrade u novom. Povratak u svoje okruženje. Povratak u pravila igre koja sam poznavao. Trebalo je otići do Tileta i uvaliti slike. Prije toga se trebalo riješiti onih salama i sireva uz solidnu zaradu koja bi pokrila sve troškove puta i dio troška slika. Cilj je bio poznat, još iz dogovora sa zadnje pauze na "Jugo Petrolovoj" benzinskoj. Vozili smo prvo ka Staroj Pazovi. Trebala nam je prodaja robe odmah ako smo mislili krenuti "čim prije". Izbor je pao na pouzdanog kupca vlasnika gostione "Stara Polja". Od zadnje pauze sam vodio grupu. Prošli smo kroz centar Zemuna pa pravac starom cestom prema staroj Pazovi. Pazova je također nakon rata doživjela podjelu na staru i novu, hebiga. Trebalo je još trideset kilometara noćne vožnje ali vrijeme je bilo pogodno za posao, vlasnik je bio uvijek nazočan nakon deset navečer. Sudionik iz 71 Gostiona "Stara Polja" se nalazila između stare i nove Pazove uz cestu prema Novom Sadu i drugim krajem ceste povezana sa auto cestom Beograd - Zagreb. Raj za kamiondžije. Svake večeri se služio roštilj i obavezni grah uz zvuke novokomponirane narodne glazbe i tuljenje pjevaljki sa "velikim balkonima" u izazovnim minicama. Vlasnik gostione Domagoj je imao neku frku tijekom "Hrvatskog proljeća" 1971 godine. Ja sam bio još "klinac" pa nisam znao koliko i kako je to išlo. Kasnije sam doznao iz priča da je "puno pričao što ne treba" pa je završio par godina "na hlađenju". Normalno izgubio je posao u "Insa proizvodnja satova i precizne mehanike", gdje je radio kao pogonski inžinjer. Kasnije nije mogao naći posao u "društvenom sektoru" pa se prebacio u privatne poduzetnike. Otvorio je gostionu i prilagodio je kamiondžijama i sitnim kriminalcima iz okolice Pazove i Zemuna. Poznavao je klijentelu "u dušu" pa je uvijek nastojao imati "zgodnu pjevaljku narodnjaka" i dobar orkestar. Posao je išao, pa je unatoč "presiji komunjara" imao dobru kuću i dobar auto. Pravi dokaz uspjeha jakog duha. Jedan dio zarade je potjecao od robe "na crno". Kamiondžije su često iz inozemstva donosile tada dosta skupe HiFi uređaje renomiranih marki i raznu drugu robu. Kada bi popili koju više, a sisata pjevaljka počela plesati na stolu nije se puno gledalo na trošak. Obično nakon koje pive više, bili su raspoloženi i za "skratiti posao sa robom na crno". Domagoj je sve kupovao po najpovoljnijoj cijeni. Pjevaljka bi u pauzi sjela za stol kamiondžije ili švercera koji bi napomenuo da ima nešto prodati i povela neobvezan razgovor. Domagoj bi prišao nakon desetak minuta i naručio piće "na račun kuće" za prodavača i pjevaljku. Potom bi krenuli neki razgovori oko toga što se nudi i koja je cijena. Naravno u nazočnosti velikih sisa i očaravajućeg osmjeha prodavatelj je bio daleko mekši. U kritičnom trenutku pjevaljka bi rekla da je pauza gotova i vratila se na binu. Prvu pjesmu bi posvetila svom novom poznaniku. Lik je bio već mekan i na već spuštenu cijenu "kako se ne bi sramotio pred damom" bi dopustio novo sniženje. Domagoj je tako dolazio do robe povoljno. Ista bi kasnije drugim kanalima kamiondžija i sumnjivih likova završila u unutrašnjosti Vojvodine i Srbije gdje je imala veću cijenu. Ubacili smo motore na veliki parking blizu ulaza, uz glazbu poznatih novokomponiranih hitova poput "Otišo si sarmu probo nisi". Škot i Strela su ostali sa motorima dok sam se ja zaputio u "Stara Polja". Odmah po ulasku mi je bilo jasno da se "polako podiže tenzija". Pjevačica je pomalo plesala i pjevala neko zapomaganje o ljubavi dok je harmonikaš klečao ispred njenih zanosnih oblina i rastezao kao lud. U zadimljenoj unutrašnjosti nije bilo jasno da li pjevaljka orkestar i razglas rade veću buku ili likovi koji udaraju bocama o stol, vrište "Too cuuuro!" i psihološki "režu žile". Prišao sam ravno šanku naslonio se i počekao da me Rade, šef sale, snimi. Prišao je nakon par pogleda. "Večer Djoni što piješ?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Ništa sorry, reci je Doms tu? Trebam ga." Okrenuo se ka konobarici koja je upravo istovarila brdo praznih boca pive na šank. "Mileva odi do gazde i reci da ga Djoni Zemunac treba." Ista je umorno slegla ramenima i uputila se uz stube iza šanka. Rade je uzeo čašu i ubacio jedan hit točene pive. Popunilo je oko četvrtinu ostalo do vrha je bila pjena. Stavio je na šank ispred mene i uz istu dodao pepeljaru. "Dok čekaš." Osmijehnuo se, a potom ponovno počeo nadgledati situaciju u cijeloj gostioni. Gazdino "oko sokolovo" u svom gnjezdu iza šanka. Organizator večernje ludnice i sudac za sva radna mjesta u gostionici, izuzev normalno onih na kojima su gazdine ljubavnice. Uvijek je bio ljubazan prema meni više nego prema drugima ali nikada mi nije "ležao". Stigao sam do pola cigarete kada je došao Domagoj. Udario me po ramenu i nasmješio se. "Večer Djoni kojim dobrom?" Pokušao je nadglasati buku. Bio je za glavu niži od mojih 195 ali skladno građen i "panterskih pokreta". Crna kosa mu je bila kratko podšišana i uredno začešljana unazad. Nikada nije odavao dojam lika koji je ljigav, a još manje onoga sa kojim bi se zajebavao a i ta cigareta u kutu usana mu je dobro stajala. Mahnuo je "oku sokolovom" ali sam ga prekinuo rukom. Nije mi se pilo "na račun kuće", žurilo mi se. "Vidi salame i sir iz Rumunjske, trebaš?" Otpuhnuo je dim. "Koliko?" Slegoh ramenima. "Što ja znam 25-30 kg ne manje kada izdvojimo malo za doma." Klimnuo je glavom. "Donesite na zadnji ulaz". Pet minuta kasnije smo stajali ispred stola u zadnjoj prostoriji. Na stolu je ležao sadržaj tri torbe. Izdvojili smo po salamu i sir "za mamu" te nešto za "kod Tileta" i pustili u torbama. Domagoj je odmjerio stol. Njemu nije trebala vaga. Znali smo da u glavi skoro u gram zna koja je količina u pitanju. "OK 250 maraka zadnja." Odmahnuh glavom. "U redu ali bez oraha." Pogledao me upitno. Znao je da sam ja u ekipi "poslovni pregovarač". "Reci." Počekao sam malo i izbacio. "Tristo i dvadeset sve skupa". Odmjerio je orahe. "Tristo." Klimnuh glavom. Izvadio je novčanik i pružio prema meni dvije novčanice po sto i dvije po pedeset malo raširene da se vidi boja i iznos. Pokupih lovu i spremih je u gornji džep jakne. Domagoj me udari po ramenu. "Dečki može piće i koji ćevap na račun kuće." Odmahnuh glavom. "Hvalka Doms žurimo." Prislonio mi je ruku na rame i povukao me malo na stranu. "Daj Djoni nikada ne ostaneš na cugi." Škot je po ocu bio Mađar sa primjesama njemačke krvi, a po majci Hrvat. Nije mnogo držao do neke nacionalnosti izuzev što je bio katolik. Strela je bio još veći miks budući da je uz sve krvne primjese Škota posjedovao i Češke krvi po jednoj baki. Ja sam bio skoro pa čisti Hrvat, ako se izuzme četvrtina Mađarske krvi po baki sa očeve strane. Nije mi bilo čudno što sam ga interesirao više od Strele i Škota. Pljesnuo me je po ramenu i produljio tiho "Vidiš koje je sranje u politici i ekonomiji, opusti se malo, uživaj, tko zna što će biti." Namignuo je. Nasmiješih se. "Ne znam Doms mene izuzev ..." Prekinuo me je klimanjem glave i podrugljivim tonom. "Gitare i motora ništa drugo ne zanima. To ponavljaš od kada te znam. Vjerojatno i tebi smeta moja prošlost." Zavrtio je glavom i odmahnuo rukom. "Sretno dečki." To je bio znak da je svaki daljnji razgovor završen. Krenuli smo polako vani. Dok smo hodali prema motorima Strela nije izdržao. "Daj Djoni uvijek si tvrd prema njemu, a nije neki loš lik." Strela nije dobro podnosio glad, a ono miješano meso u Rumunjskoj je bilo prije dosta vremena. Vjerojatno su mu ćevapi i pivo dobro zvučali. "Ne znam Strela samo mi je čudno da on i dalje sere protiv sustava i vani je, dok poneki koji počnu pomalo srati sa njim znaju završiti pokoji mjesec "na hlađenju"." Vjerojatno sam zvučao pomalo grubo. "Poneki kažeš, ti poneki seru i na drugim mjestima gdje stignu pa nije ni čudo što ih pokupe." Strelin glas je zvučao pomalo uvređeno. Zatezao sam skoro praznu torbu na prtljažnik. Nisam želio biti grub. Škot je mudro ostao tih. Skoro nikada se nije miješao u rasprave ovog tipa između mene i Strele. Pokupio sam kacigu sa upravljača i zajahao motor. Bilo mi je krivo. Nisam želio nikoga uvrijediti. Okrenuh se prema Streli koji je još petljao oko kacige. "Slušaj, bratić tvoga starog je želio otvoriti kafić prije četiri godine i još nije dobio dozvolu, nije ti čudno?" Nastojao sam to reći pomirljivim tonom. Upalilo je. Strela je konačno raspetljao kacigu od upravljača i pogledao me. "Nije vjerojatno podamazao vijak koji je trebao." Odmahnuh glavom. "Podmazao je i to više i sam znaš. Samo je ne baš podoban jer kada se napije ponekad viče "Živio Maček", pa je popušio i koji dan pržuna." Strela je zajahao. "Ok imaš pravo može i to biti." Klimnuh glavom i pogledah ga. "Domagoj je imao još goru situaciju i godinu nakon povratka iz zatvora dobio dozvolu da otvori gostionu. Razmisli." Navukao sam kacigu i startao. Polako smo krenuli sa parkinga. Tileta sam nazvao iz prve javne govornice. Javio se raspoložen. Ma može samo je Ervin kod njega i upravo gledaju Monty Python-ov "Život Brajanov". Ervin ili Ekica je bio Tiletov najbolji frend i lumen iz matematike. Parkirali smo ispod stare zgrade i zaputili se stubama ka potkrovlju. Škot je pokucao na vrata. Otključao je Ervin. Ravni prozor prema krovu je bio otvoren. "Upadajte." Tileta nije bilo. Atelje je bio u pravom stilu. Pod je bio prekriven toplim podom od zida do zida. Jastučići su bili razbacani na sve strane. Više od pola prostorije su pokrivale dovršene i nedovršene slike i slikarska oprema. U jednom kutu je bio prastari električni štednjak, hladnjak i sudoper. Dva ormara su vjerojatno pripadala nekoj društvenoj firmi u bolje dane. Ipak zidovi su bili dobro oličeni u bijelo i uvijek je izgledalo čisto na prvi pogled. Na improviziranoj polici u drugom kutu je ležalo staro Toshiba pojačalo i gramofon. Na podu je počivao stari crno bijeli TV, a sada je pored njega počivao i video rekorder "Orion". Scene na TV-u su bile iz nekog serijala "Leteći cirkus Monty Pythona". Samo crno bijele. Na dva metra od TV-a su bili postavljeni improvizirani ležajevi od spužvi presvučenih nekim materijalom. Prostor okolo ispunjen sa par jastučića. Ervin je pokazao na jstučiće i dodao još tri čaše uz postojeće dvije, prepunu pepeljaru i polupraznu bocu vinjaka. Spustismo se na pod, boca krenu od ruke do ruke. Nakon 400 km na motorima bilo je udobno napola ležati na podu i oslanjati se na jastučiće sa čašom u ruci. Otpih gutljaj Rubinovog vinjaka i zapalih cigaretu. Tiletova glava se iznenada pojavi u okviru onog prozora. Ubacio se u sobu jednim spretnim zahvatom za rubove prozora i protresao glavom. "Luđaci u ovoj sobi se razmnožavaju. Pustio sam jednog, a zatekao četvoricu. Vjerojatno jednostanična razdioba." Škot mu nazdravi čašom. Ja sam se pravio kao da me uznemirava komarac pa sam mahnuo rukom oko glave. Tile se spusti na drugi ležaj u neki sjedeći Joga položaj. Iz gornjeg džepa košulje je izvadio najlonsku vrećicu i počeo motati joint. Skužih da zlihu trave krije negdje na krovu, a u ateljeu drži samo količinu za "tekuću uporabu". Tko je bio siguran od bilo kakvog pretresa prostorija. Mala količina korisnik, a ne diler. Spavalo mi se ali sam čekao da prvi počne. Nakon što je duboko uvukao dva dima dodao je joint Škotu koji mu je bio najbliži. "Imate nešto ili ste samo navratili?" Počekao sam da joint napravi krug i dođe do mene povukao dubok udah i ispuštajući dim digao se na lakat i dodao joint Tiletu. "Sedam komada, dva puta mrtva priroda i pet pejzaža." Povukao je ponovno dva dima i ugasio ostatak u pepeljari. "Idemo vidjeti što to vrijedi." Strela pruži ruku i dohvati torbu. Polako je otvorio i izvukao tri kartonske tube. Svaku je položio na pod iza svoje glave udobno smještene na dva jastučića i produljio gledati Monty Pythone. Sekundu kasnije Tile je stručno otvorio omote tuba i izvukao slike. Pažljivo ih je položio u drugi dio prostorije na pod i polako razgledao jednu po jednu. Znao sam da ocjenjuje koliko stil odgovara potpisu Boriss, izmišljenjom liku za njegovu laku lovu. Vratio se i sjeo na ležaj ponovno motajući joint. "Uzimam sve izuzev one koju sam pustio po strani. Pejzaž je usrano kičast. Koliko?" Otpih gutljaj vinjaka više da se pripremim nego radi efekta. "Devetsto pedeset sve skupa." Odmahnuo je glavom. "Osamsto bez onog pejzaža nije loš za tvoju mamu kao poklon ali meni ne sliči na Borisa." Dodao mi je joint. Poako povukoh dim i proslijedih isti Škotu. "Osamsto i sedamdeset svih sedam zadnja cijena." Znao je iz iskustva da se ne zajebavam. Davno na početku je "išao do kraja", pa smo lošije slike prodali na buvljaku, kako smo zvali tržnicu rabljene robe, a bolje kod Jove pjesnika i Đoke biznismena. Malo smo zaradili ali nismo bili u gubitku, gubitnik je bio on. Klimnuo je glavom. "OK Djoni, samo pazi, kada se vaše društvo rasturi nećeš imati puno prijatelja, previše voliš lovu." Pogledah ga. "Mislio sam da si mi i ti prijatelj." Gledao me malo dulje. "Jesam ali u pravu si prijateljstvo za prijateljstvo, a sir prodajem za lovu." Ustao je bez riječi i smotao platna, potom je ponovno nesato na krovu. Kada se vratio pružio mi je smotuljak sa osamsto sedamdeset maraka i zamotao novi joint. Pitao sam se da li i lovu krije na krovu ili je samo trebao dodatnog opuštanja nakon pregovora. Upitno me pogledao. "Ostajete noćas? Imamo pet kazeta Monty Python-a i Benny Hill-a te još dvije boce vina?" Klimnuh glavom i mahnuh Streli. Jedva je dočekao, digao se sa poda izvukao jedan sir i salamu iz torbe i zaputio ka improviziranoj kuhinji. "Imaš kruha i čiste tanjure?" Tile je podigao palac prema meni, a potom dobacio. "Strela tanjuri i kruh su ispod sudopera, a u hladnjaku ima paradajza." Strela klimnu glavom otvori svoj preklopni nož i baci se na posao. Pet minuta kasnije uz onu bocu vinjaka su ležala dva tanjura rezane slame i sira tanjur rezanog kruha i tanjur rezane rajčice. Strela je već žvakao pozamašan sendvič koji si je napravio dok je rezao hranu. Ervin je otišao do ormara te donio bocu vina "Navipovo crno" i tri deke sivo maslinaste boje. Svakome od nas je dobacio po jednu deku, a potom otvorio vino. Nakon par minuta žvakanja Tile upita. "Kome ste uvalili ostatak robe?" Volio je Rumunjske salame i sir, a zamjetio je da je Strela više od polovice sira i salame spremio u njegov hladnjak, "da mu se nađe". Škot dobaci preko zalogaja. "Stara Polja, Domagoj. Sada vjerojatno kamiondžije za "hladni narezak" plaćaju deset puta više od nabavne cijene." Tile klimnu glavom proguta zalogaj i odgovori. "Oduvijek je mirisao na udbaša ali je zato siguran za posao njega milkani neće ganjati." Ovo je bilo čudno. Tile je bio porijeklom Srpsko Hrvatsko Slovačka mješavina i tako se i držao. Nikada nije pilio ništa o politici i izbjegavao je svaku nacionalnu temu. "Kako to misliš?" Upitah prekidajući žvakanje. Umjesto Tileta odgovori Ervin. "Tata moje bivše cure je jedno vrijeme bio upravnik jednog odjela u jednom od onih zatvora." Zastao je da proguta zalogaj. Naše tri glave se okrenuše prema njemu. Otpio je gutljaj crnog iz čaše i produljio. "E pa Domagoj je već nakon godinu i pol dana u zatvoru, postao šef u zatvorskom pogonu za proizvodnju keramičkih pločica i imao posebnu ćeliju za sebe. To su mogli samo pokajnici koji su pristali na suradnju, kaže. Zato ga vjerojatno danas milkani ne stišću mnogo oko šverc robe, ima leđa u onima iz sigurnosti." Pogledao sam Strelu. Slegao mi je ramenima u stilu "što sam ja znao". To je ujedno bio i kraj razgovora o politici kod ove dvojice. Uvijek su se držali dalje od tih tema i igrali po pravilima predgrađa naročito poštivajući ono osnovno "gledaj samo svoja posla". Obavijest su nam dostavili po prijateljskoj osnovi, a i zato što su znali da smo uvijek gledali svoja posla. Domagoj je tuđi problem. Umotao sam se u deku i dodao još jedan jastučić ispod glave, nije mi se ustajalo i vozilo doma, pomalo sam drijemao. Tile započe priču o svom zadnjem posjetu izložbi slika u Osijeku, znali smo da je u pitanju neki smiješan događaj. Netko je donio bocu vode iz hladnjaka i stavio je nadohvat svima. Na ekranu, Beny Hill je upravo tapšao svog malog kompanjona po glavi i gledao za jednom sisatom plavušom u halterima. Počinjala je ugodna noć. Dvadeset godina kasnije sam sjedio sa jednim poznanikom u Gradskoj Kavani u Zagrebu. Ovaj je radio u Hrvatskim sigurnosnim službama na početku rata i kasnije. Tada je već bio u mirovini ali je vodio neki sitan privatni biznis, tako smo se i upoznali. Dobro smo se uklopili na prvi pogled. Bio je također "dečko iz kvarta", a moja žena je uvijek govorila da se sa takvima dobro skužim. Ne znam kako smo došli na temu "onih koji su radili za udbaše" ali nabacih mu bez spominjanja imena i puno detalja situaciju sa Domagojem, samo kao primjer "da smo i mi imali slične provokatore". Dugo me promatrao i upitao. "Slušaj je možda taj vaš bio iz Stare Pazove?" Kimnuh glavom zbunjen, premalo sam rekao za to da donese takav zaključak. "Zvao se Domagoj?". Oklijevao sam malo, ostalo je još u meni onoga "gledaj svoja posla". Nasmiješio se. Pročitao me što obzirom na posao koji je radio i nije bilo čudno. "Budi bez brige sada ima drugi identitet i vani je među našima iz dijaspore, mi smo mu pomogli." Šutio sam, pitati za detalje takvih stvari uopće nije bilo pametno. Ostalo je u meni ono "što se manje petljaš gdje ti nije mjesto time imaš manje glavobolje." Otpio je gutljaj kave uz smješak i produljio. "Ne bih ti rekao niti riječi ali ona druga strana sve zna o njemu, a on je siguran, pa ne bih volio da živiš u zabludi." Zapalio je cigaretu i puhnuo dim. "Pred početak rata već je radio za nas, jednostavno nije mogao protiv sebe. Oni drugi su mu samo djelomično vjerovali pa je ubrzo pokupio ženu i djecu i prešao u Hrvatsku. Radi sigurnosti smo ga poslije prebacili vani. Čovijek je u jednom razdoblju jednostavno prihvatio igru onih iz udbe. Dao bi im povremeno ponekoga koji je nešto sitno lajao ali koliko mi znamo taj bi dobio do tri četiri mjeseca zatvora, ne više, znaš onaj sustav, tek da ga zastraše da šuti. Sa druge strane uvijek bi im javio za krupnije kriminalce koji su do jučer bili bez love, a danas kod njega u gostioni častili ekipu pićem. Taj miks ga je držao da bude koristan i djelomično su mu vjerovali. Za nas je ipak odigrao par dobrih rola na početku. Povezao se sa našima u DB-u još krajem osamdesetih. Kada je postalo opasno organizirali smo mu da se prebaci kod nas potom negdje u inozemstvo pod novim identitetom. Nikoga nije uništio koliko znamo, samo je tu i tamo netko od onih koji ionako nisu pazili gdje što pričaju dobio malo po prstima. Prijavio bi ih za priču uz mišljenje da ne organiziraju ništa. Kada zbrojiš puno više nam je koristio na kraju, izlažući riziku sebe i obitelj, nego što je štete napravio." Ostao sam zbunjen. Ne zbog onoga što sam čuo već iz saznanja da je i Domagoj u većem dijelu "gledao svoja posla" koliko je mogao, odnosno biznis u gostioni i laku lovu. Da li je prekoračio granicu "cinkajući" obične ljude koji bi popili koju više nisam znao. Na kraju je riskirao sve što je imao za nešto u što je na početku života vjerovao. Nisam mu želio suditi u sebi, isto tako nisam ga ni opravdavao. Zaključio sam da ipak nije do kraja igrao po pravilima. Pitanje morala oko svega prepustio sam drugima. Pravac Hamburg Ušao sam kod Benny-ja i odmjerio klijentelu. Samo trojica, nije ni čudo u 11 sati ujutro. Za šankom su bila dva lika iz Novog Beograda i gnjavili Marka. Jova pjesnik je sjedio sam za stolom i pisao nešto na žutom papiru iz mesnice. Polako sam prilazio šanku. Jova me snimio. "Ej Djoni!" Mahnuh mu rukom dok sam odmjeravao one likove za šankom. Jedan mi je bio poznat "Aca psina", strojni tokar i službeno ne baš uspješan bokser, a neslužbeno "šampion". Normalno šampion je bio samo za svoje članove iz ekipe, gdje je i bio "zamjenik" glavnog. Sitna banda sa Novog Beograda narajcana da su "pravi dečki". Sa njima nikada nismo bili u sukobu ali djelovali su kao da su popili malo više. Aca je upravo pričao Marku. "Znaš onaj. Žali se Zemunac: Kad god jebem peku me oči. Prokleti suzavac za samoobranu." Lik do njega je uvlakački prasnuo u smijeh. Nije mi bio poznat ali po uvlakačkom stilu je očigledno bio tek pripravnik u bandi. Naslonio sam se na drugi kraj šanka i pogledao Marka. Dok je brzo prilazio davao mi je znak rukom koja onim kretenima nije bila vidljiva. Nedvojbeno je pokret na dolje značio "budi miran nije bitno". Osmijehnuo sam se, trenutno i nije bilo bitno, došao sam drugim poslom. Ee al zbilja vrh pises... To ti imas cili roman?? :aplauz: :aplauz: :occasion: :aplauz: :occasion: Slažem se vrh pisanje, samo sporo hehe Salu na stranu, odlično procitao sam u jednom dahu i cekam, cekam, cekam.... :-) Hvala Trisha i Gastro, prvi dio je napisan i ima oko 110 stranica, drugi dio se piše. Bilo bi mi drago da se javi još poneko sa kojom kritikom, izuzev one o proredu. ovdje na forumu mi malo posloži tekst "po svome" ali mislim da sam skužio kako kopirati na pravi način. Ako se nekome sviđa pisanje to doživljavam da mislimo na sličan način :D uglavnom svaki komentar dobro došao (kritike isto tako) :smoke: Ja se ozbiljno preplacujem za cili roman :) masu gluposti procitam pa bi bilo super za promjenu novo kvalitetno proitat :) Djoni, odusevljen sam pricom jer je prica iz tvog, kao i mog vremena i prepoznajem sebe u mnogo čemu. Nijesam mlad i lijep kao Trisha ali očigledno da je stivo za sve generacije :uupss: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: Jel potrebno uopće što reči? Najbolje da bubneš odmah u neki od ebook formata kako bi imali što raditi na godišnjem odmoru. Dobar si.. tematika odlična.. samo rokaj... Sent from my Mobikita! :natak2: me (http://www.cosgan.de/images/midi/tiere/g060.gif) (http://www.cosgan.de/smilie.php) ak ste vi svi skupa normalni :smoke: Pravac Hamburg Osmijehnuo sam se, trenutno i nije bilo bitno, došao sam drugim poslom. Naslonio se na šank. "Djoni ti si uvijek bio hladne glave, ostani miran, molim te. Pusti ona dva kretena, imao sam tuču u objektu prošlog mjeseca, zatvoriće me ako ponovno bude frke." Klimnuh glavom uz kiseli osmjeh. "Nemaš frku Mark, samo sam te došao pitati da li bi nam posudio neku od tvojih auto karti, znaš da putujemo do Hmburga?" Klimnuo je glavom. "Nema problema, samo moram naći, dođi večeras." "Poslaću Škota ja imam još posla. Oko sedmice, može?" Nasmiješio se u olakšanju, izgleda da je i on znao za onu tuču od prije pet godina između Ace psine i mene. "Ma čim odu idem potražiti. Onaj kreten Psina je ponovo kupio rabljenog fiću pa sad kao slavi." Šaputao je brzo. Klimnuh glavom. "Trebaš pomoć sa njima?" "Ne, dolaze mi Čerkez i Pacov za desetak minuta najkasnije." Čerkez je bio Markov najbolji prijatelj samo za razliku od Psine on doista i je osvojio tri puta za redom prvo mjestu u natjecanju u amaterskom boksu u Novom Sadu. Uz sve to je znao i nekoliko džudo zahvata pa je bio jebeno neugodan ako bi ga netko nagazio. U ostalom je bio "pravi dečko i ljudina". Pacov je vodio amatersku ekipu u hrvanju slobodnim stilom i često sparingovao sa Čerkezom. Klimnuh glavom. "Je Psina i ovog fikusa ofarbao u crno?" "Naravno." Namignuo mi i pljesnuo me po ramenu. Pišalo mi se ali nisam htio odlaskom do wc-a izazivati vraga. Frka mi nije trebala, sutra smo mislili krenuti. Kraj je proljeća i dovoljno toplo. Krenuo sam prema izlazu, za sada je sve izgledalo u redu, Psina me bacio na Ignore. Sve mi je i bilo logično. Ovaj dio Zemuna je bio teritorij Doka i Smrde. Međutim Dok je završio "na godišnjem" dobro pažen, a još bolje čuvan u nekom od zatvora. Smrda je prije tjedan dana doživio prometnu i ležao u bolnici na Bežanijskoj Kosi. Po pričama ostat će još dosta u bolnici. "Kajmani" kako je sebe nazivao Acin čopor su nanjušili situaciju da se malo "kurče" dok velike morske psine nisu u igri. Ostatak Dokove grupe su činila tri lika sa gomilom mišića "koje je lakše bilo preskočiti nego zaobići". Ovi se nisu usudili ništa poduzimati dok šef ili zamjenik nisu u igri. Prošao sam pored Jove i namignuo mu. Nasmješio se. Naša ekipa je bila jedna od rijetkih koja nije tjerala sprdnju sa njim, a on je to cijenio. Po definiciji je bio teška kukavica, a po lječničkim nalazima lud. Sve je djelovalo ok kada sam začuo Psinu iza sebe. "Djoni nećeš popiti u čast mog novog auta?" Počelo je, ipak nije moglo proći "tek tako". Polako se okrenuh. Aca je bio za glavu niži od mene ali "nabijen" mišićima. Imao je pomalo krive noge i lice koje je podsjećalo na buldoga, zato su ga i zvali Aca Buldog ili još češće Aca Psina. Okrenuo se i leđima naslonio na šank, podupirući se laktovima o rubove. Gledao je u mene. Slegnuh ramenima. "Čestitam ali danas dosta vozim pa ne pijem ništa." Sada se i onaj mali debeli pobočnik oslonio leđima uz šank promatrajući me sa zajedljivim osmjehom. Njemu je izledalo kao da počinje psihopatska zabava. Aca se uputio iza šanka i dohvatio bocu šljivovice i čašu. Promatrao sam ga kako se vraća i stavlja čašu od dva deci na šank potom je do pola puni rakijom. Naklonio se i ponovno leđima oslonio na šank. "Popij jednu u čast moga novog auta toliko mi duguješ kao prijatelju." Pomislih da bi rađe bio prijatelj nekoj morskoj psini nego njemu, od ovog prvog sam znao što mogu očekivati ali ovaj drugi je imao problem nedostatka osobnosti. Iza njihovih leđa Marko me molećivo gledao no stajao je odmah do kase. Iz prethodnih sličnih situacija sam znao da iza kase ima olovni bokser i da je "zajeban igrač" ako dođe do frke. Polako sam prišao šanku pazeći da između mene i Psine ostane veći razmak kako me ne bi mogao iznenada udariti. Još je stajao naslonjen na šanka uživajući u trenutku slave pred onim malim debilom. Popio sam gutljaj i vratio čašu na šank. "Sretno sa autom." Nastojao sam ovo reći normalnim tonom. Polako sam se okrenuo i pošao prema vratima. hebiga valjda će ga to zadovoljiti. Nisam želio Marku raditi frku, a i meni samom nije trebala. Bio sam na pola puta do vrata kada se proderao. "Vraćaj se i poloči to do kraja jebem te šuntava." Ovaj put sam se brzo okrenuo. Još kod okreta sam se prebacio u manji raskorak kako bih brzo mogao povuči jednu nogu i prijeći u gard. "Natjeraj me!" Psina nije stigao reagirati Jova je iznenada skočio. "Deečki da čujete moju novu pjesmu." Podigao je onaj komad papira iz mesnice i započeo uz smješnu gestikulaciju. "Dunave Dunave ja tebe molim Dunave Dunave ti mene ne moliš Dunave Dunave JA TEBE MOLIM opadni ..." "Umukni luđače ludi pi..%..a ti materina." Proderao se Psina. Dograbio je čašu ispred sebe i bacio je u Jovinom pravcu. Razbila se do njegovih nogu. Uplašeno je poskočio. Pišalo mi se. Jova je stajao zbunjen. Želio je malo izigravati budalu i na taj način smiriti situaciju i pomoći mi. Nisam od njega očekivao toliku privrženost. Jova nije loše postupio. Psihopati su voljeli ponižavati ga raznim komentarima pogotovu kada malo više popiju. Samo Psina nije dovoljno popio. "Jovo gubi se odavde. A ti Djoni dođi i poliži ovo sa šanka, poslije ću ti dosuti još." Psina je bio u navali bijesa. Jova je pogledao u mene pa u pivsku bocu na stolu za kojim je sjedio. Nije me želio napustiti i vjerojatno mu se muvalo po zbunjenom mozgu da bi možda mogao uporabiti bocu kada je već tako mršav i sitan. Kratko sam skrenuo pogled i namignuo Jovi. Nastojao sam da mi glas bude mekan i ugodan kako bih ga smirio. "Idi Jovo molim te ovo nije tvoj problem." Jova me pogledao i polako se uputio ka izlazu. Kada je zatvorio vrata za sobom čuli smo ga kako trči. Sada nas je bilo dva na dva. Nije bilo sumnje da su znali da je Marko "moj igrač" budući da se onaj mali debeli okrenuo prema Marku. Ovaj je stajao prekriženih ruku desna šaka mu je bila prekrivena nadlakticom lijeve. Znao sam da već ima bokser u šaci. Psina je polako posegao rukom iza leđa i ispod jakne izvukao olovnu cijev. Onaj mali debeli je ispod jakne izvukao komad lanca i zavrtio ga. Bili su u prednosti, ja nisam imao ništa, Marko nije mogao do svoje cijevi, bila je na drugom kraju šanka. Psina se zločesto cerio. "Sada se vraćaj nazad i poliži ovo, kasnije ti dospem još." Pogledao je malog debelog. "Ti drži Marksa na oku i ako pokuša izvući nešto od onih svojih stvarčica daj mu malo Engelsa po glavi." Grohotom se nasmijao svome vicu. Polako sam se povukao u gard. Čak i da popijem sve što natoči ovaj luđak će me iscipelariti. Bilo je jasno. Željeli su malo proširiti nadzor nad teritorijem i lupiti reket Marku, a na žalost ja sam mu dobro došao za to i još bolje da poravna staru sramotu. Pišalo mi se. Brzo sam pogledao u pravcu Jovine boce od pive i odustao. Nisam znao sa tim. Godinama sam bio u "Wing Tchun-u" i bio sam dobar sa šakama. Računao sam i na par zahvata iz Aikido-a koje me Škot naučio. Bilo mi je pomalo hladno i pišalo mi se. Pogledah Marka. On je gledao između mene i onog malog sa lancem. Čekali smo odmjeravajući se tko će prvi započeti. Vrata su se iznenada otvorila. Psina je otvorio usta. Bacio sam brzi pogled na vrata i opustio se. Na vratima su stajali Čerkez i Pacov. Čerkez je polako krenuo prema šanku. Psina je je sklonio onu cijev i mahnuo malom debelom, ovaj je zbunjeno počeo motati lanac. Čerkez je zastao na metar i pol od Psine. Marko je mahnuo prema meni. "Djoni ti žuriš, vidimo se na cugi kasnije." Polako sam se okrenuo i pošao ka vratima. Polako sam zatvorio vrata za sobom, pazeći da budem što tiši, nisam im želio smetati. Pišalo mi se. Okrenuo sam se i pogledao po parkingu. Lako sam locirao crnog fiću sa sportskim crno bijelim trakama na donjem rubu i podignutim poklopcem motora "radi boljeg hlađenja". Na prednjem staklu u kutu je bila naljepnica sa natpisom "Kaimans". Polako sam mu prišao i pogledao gore i dolje niz ulicu. Bila je pusta. Otkopčao sam hlače i krenuo od motora. Kada sam zapišavao vozačka vrata i kvaku začuo sam zvuk motorcikla na visokim okretajima i škripanje guma u zavoju. Pogledao sam u pravcu zvuka i prepoznao Škotovu žutu javu. Parkirao je uz škripu kočnica i izvukao čeličnu tanku šipku iz ruksaka na leđima. Krenuo je prema vratima kafića ne osvrćući se. Okrenuh se zakopčavajući hlače i viknuh. "Škot, Škoot!" Prepoznao je glas i okrenuo se. Brzo me locirao i prišao. "Stari je sve ok?" "Sve ok samo nemam dovoljno da zapišam druga vrata. Otkud ti ovdje?" Pogledao me uz osmijeh. "Nazvao me Jova pjesnik sav zadihan, prašio je ko lud do prve govornice." Klimnuh glavom prema vratima kafića. "Čerkez i Pacov su stigli na vrijeme, pa ih ne bi trebali smetati. Hvala ti što si došao." Pogledao me zbunjeno. "Djoni mi smo ekipa i uvijek ćemo to i biti. Zahvali Jovi što je javio." Pogledao je prema fići. "Čiji auto zapišavaš?" "Od Ace Psine normalno, samo nemam dovoljno za druga vrata." Nsmijao se. "Imam ja. Ionako nas čeka kasniji obračun sa njima, neće ovo zaboraviti." Polako je prišao drugoj strani auta i otkopčao hlače. Fino građenje likova, čvrsta fabula,životni dijalozi... Svakako zanimljivo štivo i nestrpljivo čekam nastavak ili izdavanje knjige. Nisam ekspert, niti mi je to struka, ali, pročitao sam podosta toga. Čak se malo okušao i u pisanju. Proza na tragu Šalkovića, Ferića... Bravo!!! Polako je prišao drugoj strani auta i otkopčao hlače. Pravac Hamburg Polako je prišao drugoj strani auta i otkopčao hlače. Škot je obavio posao temeljito i pedantno posebnu pažnju posvećujući kvaki na vratima i staklu. Bit će zanimljivo kada Čerkez, Pacov i Marko završe "razgovor" sa njima, a oni jedva dočekaju ući u auto. Proći će još dosta vremena dok miris iz auta nestane. Uvijek malo klizne pored stakla u vrata. Znao sam da je Marku vrlo bitno da se Psina "ohladi do daske" od ideje ponovnog dolaska u ovaj kraj. Jednostavno bio je alergičan na siledžije koje mu pokušavaju "lupiti" bilo koji reket. A i mogao si je to priuštiti. Čerkez je bio predsjednik "Zadruge Redara", dečki su pružali uslugu održavanja reda u diskotekama, kavanama, na Rock koncertima i slično. Bili su malo skuplji od ostalih, neki su radili samo vikendom ali su ih svi tražili. Bili su pouzdani i korektni, a uz to držali su se skupa i imali "dežurnu ekipu za ispomoć". Bilo je više od trideset članova zadruge i nisi lako mogao dobiti status člana. Milkani su ih poštivali do one granice koju im je ponos odredio. Jednostavno Čerkez je bio osinjak. Psina je napravio samo jednu pogrešku, nije se detaljno raspitao o Marku, da je netko bi mu već rekao za Čerkeza. Polako smo zajahali motore. Pogledao sam Škota. Onako sa onim malim ruksakom iz kojeg je virio vrh čelične šipke sličio mi je pomalo na samuraja sa katanom na leđima. Jednog od onih "specifikusa" iz Kobajašijevih filmova. Oni od Kurosave bili su mi previše klasični. Iz kafića se nije čulo ništa. Osjetio sam zadovoljstvo što je Škot došao. Ipak smo prava ekipa još od moje osme godine. Nije oklijevao niti sekunde, to je bilo jasno. Startali smo motore i zaputili se u "naš privatni prostor" kod Škota u podrumu. Petnaest minuta kasnije pili smo "Gromovaču" uz zvuke "Dire Straits-a" album "Brothers in Arms". Čekali smo Strelu i opuštali se. Strela je došao "nabrijan". Škot mu je preko telefona u par riječi objasnio situaciju, a objasnio mu je i da je pokušao javiti ali da nije imao vremena čekati dok Strelini roditelji otkriju u kom dijelu kuće ili dvorišta im je sin. Zajebano je bilo što je Strela iskoristio malo trave koju je to jutro na rastanku dobio od Tileta pa je bio na krovu sjedeći na rubu tavanskog prozora i promatrajući zbunjene roditelje kako nešto traže po garaži i podrumu. Sada je bio živčan i što se tako ponio, pa je prebacivao Škotu što nije "sačekao još par minuta" obrazlažući da bi "nas trojica lijepo rasturili ta dva govanca i bez Čerkeza". Grickala ga je savjest. Škot je pokušao biti razložan uz put mu gurajući čašu u ruku. Nije baš pomoglo. Ustao sam polako sa starog kauča i prišao Streli. Prebacio sam mu ruku preko ramena. "Strela cijenim jako da si htio pomoći ali prihvati da je Škot postupio ispravno. Pokušao te je dobiti nije išlo, a znao je da je svaka minuta bitna pa je reagirao brzo." Strela je konačno uzeo onu čašu od Škota sjeo na kauč i istrusio je "na eks". Zapalio je cigaretu i odmahnuo je glavom. "U pravu ste obojica i žao mi je što sam pizdio. Jednostavno mi je žao što sam iznevjerio." Škot ga lagano šutnu nogom u potkoljenicu. "Strela ti nikada nisi iznevjerio. Nikada. Kada smo već na tome i na ovom planu za Hamburg sjeti se onoga jutra kada smo otpratili Gogu. Ti si ostao na ulazu sam. Čuvao si odtstupnicu za nas." Škot je klimnuo glavom i podigao čašu. Strela je isto iz sijedećeg položaja podigao čašu. Sve tri čaše su se spojile, potom smo ispili. Nitko nije rekao ništa, nije niti trebalo. Ja sam se osjećao mali dijelić usrano budući da im nikada do kraja nisam objasnio to jutro sa Gogom. Jednostavno to je bila stvar koju im nisam mogao reći, a oni nikada nisu niti inzistirali na nekom detaljnom obrazloženju. Jednostavno sam ih pozvao te noći prije osam godina i oni su bili tu. Puno puta prije i nakon toga su bili sa mnom kada je trebalo. Danas su ponovno bili sa mnom, do kraja. Škot je spustio čašu na policu pored gramofona i dohvatio cigarete. Kada je ugasio šibicu pogledao je Strelu. "Dogovor je sutra ujutro, pet sati. Marko nam bude dao večeras kartu Austrije i Njemačke, ostalo već znaš dogovorili smo jutros. Jedno spavanje kod tvoje prijateljice u studentskom domu u Zagrebu, a slijedeća gdje stignemo. Krenemo iz Zagreba oko pet ujutro i kamo stignemo, nadam se negdje iza Minhena." Strela je klimnu glavom. "Pustio sam Olgi poruku jutros. Zvala me nakon toga. Nema frke mjesta za spavanje u domu ima. Kraj je ispitnog roka i svi bježe doma, a na ulazu ništa posebno ne kontroliraju dok je mir." Nasuo sam si još jednu i sjeo na kauč. Zapalio sam cigaretu držeći čašu među koljenima i povukao dubok dim. Potom sam uzeo čašu u ruku i otpio. "Dečki ja idem po špiritno kuhalo, a i sada mi palo na pamet da bih trebao obići i Jovu pjesnika, ako ga nađem. Ipak je imao muda i postupio na kraju pametno." Škot odmahnu rukom. "Lud ne znači i glup, neki nazovi normalni su gori od njega." Klimnuh glavom. Sat kasnije sam bio u dvorištu stare ruševne kuće. Iza kuće su bila dva poljska wc-a, a u samoj kući nekoliko vlažnih soba je bilo preuređeno u nužni terenski smještaj za radnike "Građevine Zemun". Jova je od socijalnog i lokalne mjesne zajednice dobio stambeni prostor u vidu "posebnog zidanog objekta " u dvorištu. U biti to je bio niski zidani drvarnik sa zemljanim podom. Kada je po nalazima liječnika bilo jasno da Jova "nije čist" društvena zajednica ga nije mogla pustiti tek tako. Kako je bio neuračunljiv samo po pitanju "odgovornog obavljanja radnih dužnosti", a jedini napadi koje je imao su bili oni da glasno recitira svoje pjesme nije trebao ići u "ludaru". Dodijelili su mu minimalnu invalidsku mirovinu kao sredstva za život i drvarnik u dvorištu kao smještaj. Kasnije je ekipa privremenih stanara kuće iz "Građevine Zemun" malo uredila taj drvarnik. Postavili su pod od slomljenih kamenih ploča za pločnike i uredili zidove materijalom ukradenim iz firme. Prije žbukanja Mile Zubar mu je besplatno uveo struju spajajući se preko one kuće, a uz blagoslov mjesne zajednice koja je i odredila neki minimum potrošnje koji mu plaća. Mile Zubar je bio električar ali je u mladim danima u obračunu klanova u predgrađu "jednim udarcem izbijao par zuba iz vilice". Tako je ostao "Mile Zubar". Polako sam krenuo iza kuće gdje je bio Jovin preuređeni drvarnik. Sunce je više nego ugodno grijalo. Jaknu sam prebacio preko ramena držeći je jednom rukom, u drugoj sam nosio plastičnu vrećicu. Zaobišao sam slavinu u dvorištu, a koja je bila jedina tekuća voda za kuću i drvarnik. Ignorirao sam blagi miris vanjskih wc-a i prišao iza kuće. Drvarnik je bio niska građevina ali Jovi to nije smetalo budući da je i sam bio nizak. Ispred drvarnika je stara murva pružala svoje grane. Ispod murve na stolici u hladu Jova je sjedio i nešto pisao na onom papiru iz mesnice naslonjenom na komad daske. Stolica je svojim izgledom jasno davala do znanja da je najbolje dane provela u nekoj firmi, a završila u smeću, odakle je Jova sigurno i pokupio i popravio. Ispred Jove na suncu je počivalo korito puno vode. Imao je stari električni štednjak na kome su samo dvije ploče radile to mu je sredio Zubar. Nije ga koristio za grijanje vode za kupanje. Sjetih se da mu mjesna zajednica plaća samo minimalnu potrošnju struje, a ona mirovina je bila jedva dostatna za kruh i nešto povrća. Jova je pazio na potrošnju struje i koristio "solarnu energiju" za vodu za kupanje. Zamjetih na kamenu uz korito sapun i ručnik. Dok sam prilazio viknuh. "Hei Jovo." Trgnuo se i poskočio sa stolice. Kada me prepoznao široko se nasmješio. "Heeeij Djoni. Bio sam kod Marka kasnije. Častio me pivom i rekao da si u redu, a Čerkez je rekao da se više ne plašim da one budale više nikada neće doći." Popravio je socijalne naočale na nosu. "Dao mi je i pivo za kasnije." Prišao mi je radosnog pogleda. "Drago mi da si tu i da te one budale nisu razbile." Potapšah ga po ramenu. "Hvala ti što si javio Škotu." Slegao je ramenima. "Pa Đoni ti i tvoja ekipa ste mi prijatelji, rekao si da idem ali sam skužio što si mislio trebala ti je ekipa čim prije da riješiš one pedere." Klimnuo je glavom. "Ma ja mislim da bi ih ti i sam razbio, gledao sam ja tebe već ranije u slično. Ali imao broj samo Škota" Jova je ponekad imao problema sa izražavanjem pogotovu kada se uzbudi. Bilo mi je drago što je javio Škotu ali mi je isto bilo drago i što je imao samo njegov broj u protivnom bi vjerojatno svi moji poznanici bili "pod alarmom". Pružih mu onu vrećicu. "Jovo sutra vozimo za Hamburg, a ovo mi je ostalo u hladnjaku pa da ne propadne dok se vratim." Zbunjeno je uzeo vrećicu i pogledao unutrašnjost. Osmijehnuo se široko. "I ti voliš Tirolsku i Zdenka sir kao i ja." Potom je malo odmahnuo glavom. "Ali zašto ne uzmeš ove mesne nareske trebat će ti uz put, a i "Navipovo crno" možeš popiti." Znao sam da Jova voli vino ali svi bi ga obično častili pivom niti ne pitajući ga što pije. Odmahnuh glavom. "Nosimo samo nekoliko limenki gotovih jela da imamo "nešto toplo" na cesti. Salamu i razne mesne nareske želimo probati uz put tamo gdje se nađemo. A od jutros ne pijem, narednih dana puno vozimo" Nasmijao se. "Joj Đoni to je super, putovati i kušati iz svakog dijela svijeta ponešto." Nadao sam se da neće dobiti pjesnički napadaj i krenuti sa svojom pjesmom u čast toga. Pljesnuh ga po ramenu i nasmješih se. "Jovo žurim samo sam ti želio zahvaliti. Ostaj mi sretno." Uhvatio me za rukav. Imao je nešto pseće u pogledu. Onaj pogled psa lutalice kojega svi šutaju, a onda naleti na nekoga tko ga samo malo pomazi i potapše po glavi. "Stani Đoni, moramo popiti malo pive za tvoj sretan put. Imam onu od Marka u hladnjaku. Sjećaš se da mi je Škot poklonio hladnjak. Hvala mu." Sjetih se da smo prastari hladnjak, veličine pola današnjeg, pokupili sa Škotovog tavana i po nalogu njegovog starog utovarili u Ladu Karavan. Dobili smo dvijesto dinara da platimo trošak odlagališta i popijemo po sok uz put. Dok je vozio Škot je snimio Jovu kako sjedi na rubu pločnika. Zaustavio je auto i kroz spušteni prozor viknuo. "Jovo tebe tražimo, da li ti treba hladnjak?" Jovo je poskočio iz svog sanjarenja i prišao autu. "Joj Škot to bi bilo super, imao bih gdje spremiti ribu sa Dunava." Jovo je nedostatak mesa u prehrani nadoknađivao loveći sitne ribice na Dunavu. Zvali smo ih "Bjelice" i "Kederi". Bilo ih je jednostavno loviti trebalo je samo umijesiti vrlo malo kruha u čvrstu kuglu istu nataći na vrh štapa, a ovaj zabosti u vodu tako da kugla od kruha bude oko 20 cm ispod površine. Kederi bi se brzo okupili oko kruha privučeni mirisom ali bi im kugla bila pretvrda da je jedu. Zato su svaku udicu sa ješkom koju bi bacio pored kugle kruha napadali u jatima. Jovo bi ih znao naloviti po kilo dvije. Reš pečene su bile ukusne i jele se sa kostima. Jovo je pogledao hladnjak u prtljažniku i upitao." "Radi li?" Škot je klimnuo glavom. "Radi ali prije uporabe pozovi Zubara da ti ga pregleda, dugo je ležao ma tavanu." Potom je otvorio zadnja vrata i mahnuo mu. "Upadaj." Jovo je kasnije oduševljeno pričao kako mu je Mile Zubar rekao da je hladnjak u odličnom stanju i da se takve stvari više ne rade. Mi smo onih dvjesto dinara popili kod Benny-ja i nismo više mislili na to. Nisam želio oduzeti Jovi nešto od jedinog piva koje je imao ali nešto u njegovom pogledu mi je govorilo da bih ga jako povrijedio ako bih odbio. Klimnuh glavom i sjedoh na onaj kamen pored ručnika i sapuna. Jova je nestao u drvarniku sa dva vrlo mala prozora i zidovima obraslim mahovinom. Minutu kasnije se vratio sa hladnom "Nikšićkom" jednom normalnom čašom i staklenkom od senfa. Meni je natočio u čašu sebi u onu staklenku od senfa. "Znaš Đoni, to sam ti mislio uvijek reći. Vi ste super dečki. Uvijek me saslušate i ne dopuštate da se drugi iživljavaju na meni tako se malo tko ponaša. Samo je Zubar isti, sjećaš se kako je nalupao one što su mi skinuli gaće?" Nasmijao se iskreno. Sjetih se neka dva kretena koje smo zvali "Dupe i Šupak". Fora im je bila da uhvate sitnog Jovu i skinu mu hlače i gaće te ih umotaju u kuglu. Potom bi se dobacivali sa istim dok je jadni Jovo samo u košulji trčao od jednog do drugog i vrištao "Vrati mi, vrati mi". Jednom je naišao Zubar sa posla kad su izvodili isti šou. Zastao je i pogledao predstavu potom im vrlo ozbiljnim glasom rekao. "Žurim doma na ručak ali imam vremena za par zahvata." Nazočni pričaju da je trajalo tridesetak sekundi i tri zuba. Stari Zubar je još uvijek bio u dobroj formi. Potom je pomogao Jovi da se obuče uzeo svoju električarsku torbu i otišao doma kao da se ništa nije dogodilo. Jova ustade sa stolice i držeći onu staklenku u ruci blago me udari po ramenu. "Djoni, a ti i Strela ste razbili Kuglu kada mi je oteo novac." To sam već zaboravio. Kugla je bio sitni džepar ali je trenirao boks u "pero lakoj". Povremeno bi sjedio na gajbi od pive ispred trgovine i pio "bombice", odnosno male boce od jedan deci konjaka. Snimio je Jovu da izlazi iz trgovine i uz ono malo stvari u vrećici ima i bocu crnog vina. Svi su znali da se Jova časti crnim vinom samo kada podigne onu crkavicu od mirovine na socijalnom. Kugli je to bio znak. Pogledao je uz i niz ulicu, bila je pusta, ustao je prišao Jovi i zavukao mu udarac šakom u trbuh. Dok je Jova još ležao na zemlji izvukao mu je ofucani novčanik iz hlača i bocu vina iz vrećice, okrenuo se i lagano potrčao. Znao je da Jovi nitko neće lako vjerovati. Jova je tvrdio da su mu slamnati šešir dok je pecao na Dunavu oteli vanzemaljci, a da je ispod Savskog mosta vidio morskog psa. Bez svjedoka nema šanse da ga optuži. Dok je vadio Jovi novčanik iza ugla ulice smo naišli Strela i ja. Nije nas vidio. Stali smo iza velike murve, a on je trčao u našem pravcu sa bocom Jovinog vina u ruci. Trebalo nam je par udaraca. Potom mu je Strela "uručio" još dva udarca nogom i poruku da ne dolazi više u naš kraj. Polako smo prišli Jovi, koji se jedva digao na noge. Strela mu je dobacio novčanik, a ja sam mu pružio bocu sa vinom. Zamjetio sam da su mu ionako stare hlače bile poderane na koljenu od pada nakon udarca. Samo je rekao "Hvala" još nije imao daha. Mi smo produljili kao da se ništa nije dogodilo. Djelovali smo sebi jako veliki kao iz filmova. Jova me gledao otvorenih očiju i vesela pogleda. "Znaš Đoni i vi uvijek popijete piće sa mnom. Kada me neki zajebavaju ja kažem da pijem sa vama, a poznato je da "Piksiji" ne piju sa svakim. I skoro uvijek mi donesete neki poklon kada idete po robu u Mađarsku ili Rumunjsku." Strela se prezivao Pijuk. Prije nego je dobio nadimak Strela svi su ga zvali Piksi. Mi smo bili "Piksijeva ekipa". Kasnije je netko to skratio na Piksiji. Istina je da nismo pili sa svakim. Što se tiče poklona za Jovu malo sam se osjećao jadno. Uvijek bi kupili nekoliko najjeftinijih salama u Mađarskoj ili Rumunjskoj, "da pokrijemo robu" kako bi djelovalo da "nosimo iz nužde". Carinici bi obično pogledali samo ono na vrhu, a ostalo "prepipali" rukama, da se uvjere da je samo hrana. Ispod su bile kvalitetne salame i sirevi za prodaju. Jednu od tih salama koja se nije mogla prodati bi obično dali Jovi. Preostalih par komada su nam bile "za Škotovog psa i naše mačke". Bile su jeftinije od hrane za pse u našim trgovinama. Grickala me savjest. Nama je to bila fora. Imamo salamu i za Jovu. Jebi ga, zabilježih si da slijedeći put rezerviram kvalitetnu salamu za Jovu. Razmišljao sam kako je oklijevao da ode dok mu se nisam obratio i kako je gledao onu bocu od pive sa namjerom da je upotrebi u tuči na mojoj strani. Čaša mi je bila prazna. Mahnuh Jovi da mi ne dosipa ostatak pive. Polako sam ustao i pružio mu ruku. "Sretno Đoni, gdje spavate u Hamburgu, imate nekoga?" "Bez brige idemo kod Goge iz ulice znaš je." Zadržao je moju ruku u svojoj potom je poklopio drugom. "Znaš Đoni ja ne mislim da je ona kurva kako svi pričaju. Meni je uvijek djelovala pristojno iako ne baš sretna." Pustio je moju ruku. "Čuvaj se Jovo i ne plivaj daleko na Dunavu." Nasmiješih mu se. Polako sam došao do motora. Jovin komentar je bio točan i iskren ali je bio i okidač. Zajahao sam i zbunjeno navukao kacigu. Petljao sam po prekidaču. U glavi mi je polako raslo sjećanje na tu noć i to jutro. Goga Nakon dva tjedna ili nešto više, kada više nije imala niti jednu plavicu Goga je ponovno krenula u školu. Ovaj put nije nosila traperice i majice ili minicu i najlonke, nosila je dulju tamno plavu haljinu i pamučne duge čarape. Umjesto tenisica nosila je cipele sa skoro ravnom petom one koje bi prije pristajale nekoj babi iz "Mjesne zajednice" tijekom obavljanja "društveno korisnog posla". Putovala je autobusom. Onaj T-12 "Kolibri" obojen u crno je nestao iz njenog života. Meni su godine prolazile brzo. To su bile te godine oko petnaest. Gogu sam samo zamjećivao povremeno. Ponekad bih razmijenio pokoju riječ sa njom dok je stajala na prozoru i promatrala ulicu ali pazili smo i ona i ja da nas slučajno ne vidi netko tko bi to mogao prenijeti njenom starom. Gogin tata je bio "ugledan u svakom pogledu" i "čovjek sa reputacijom u samoupravnom socijalizmu". Sve u svemu ona je djelovala uplašeno što kontaktira i sa "mulcem" od 15 godina, a ja nisam želio probleme sa svojima ako se Gogin Stanko slučajno "požali" na mene "da mu "uznemiravam kćerku". Uvijek je bila onako "pristojno" odjevena u dugu ravnu haljinu, pamučne duge čarape i bapske cipele sa skoro ravnim petama. Imala je dva takva seta, crni i plavi. Znam da sam se gledajući je samo pitao da li nosi pamučne hulahopke ili ima mamin steznik sa žabicama i obične duge pamučne čarape. Djelovala je skroz skromno i bapski. Završila je srednju kemijsku na relaciji kuća – škola – kuća. Bez izlazaka, a čak i bez prijateljica. Malograđanska sredina je brzo osudila. "To je ona kurva koja je još maloljetna pobjegla sa onom barabom." Gogin tata "uzorni građanin" je samo pogoršavao sve komentarima tipa "Kćerka mi skoro pa kurva kao što joj i mater naginjala prije. Dovest ću ja nju u red kao i staru što sam doveo." Gogina majka mi je prije sličila na sve samo ne na kurvu. Uvijek je bila tiha i kada bi otišla kod neke od svoje tri prijateljice na kavu više je slušala nego što je pričala. Dalje se o njoj nije znalo ništa. Skoro ni sa kim nije imala kontakte. U crkvi sam je vidio samo par puta. Išla je krišom od muža. Gogu je čim je maturirala tata zaposlio u Galenici. Život joj se nije puno promijenio. Razlika je bilo što je sada relacija bila kuća – posao – kuća. Galenika nije bila daleko. Pola sata hoda. Išla je pješice. I dalje je pratila reputacija kurve. Šef na poslu joj je bio dugogodišnji prijatelj njenog oca. Idemo dalje? Đoni , samo daj ! Ima na ovom forumu i ljudi koji vole čitat.....nemoj slušat one koji nisu nikad pročitali ništa dulje od telegrama.... :prsti: Đoni , samo daj ! Ima na ovom forumu i ljudi koji vole čitat.....nemoj slušat one koji nisu nikad pročitali ništa dulje od telegrama.... :prsti: Hvala Boris. samo me zanima ima li 5 zainteresiranih za nastavak za 2-3 mogu postati i na pvt :D :angel: Ma sigurno ima više od petice.....je da nismo večina (na žalost) ali i to nije ništa čudno ..... piši piši... vikend je bia :D pa smo malo zaružili al tu smo :occasion: Goga Šef na poslu joj je bio dugogodišnji prijatelj njenog oca. Dobio sam svoj "Pony Expres". Škot je kupio neki rabljeni tomos T-12 "Kolibri" i skinuo mu štitnike protiv kiše te zavario nožice. Volan je je preuredio Željko Fleka. Sličio je na karikaturu od čopera. Nama je izgledao super. Strela je imao problema. Njegova mama se užasavala da joj sin vozi motor. Bilo je to preopasno za njenog jedinca. Nije dopuštala kupovinu. Strela je radio cijelo ljeto u skladištu na slaganju sanduka i pakiranju robe preko omladinske zadruge. Pred kraj ljeta dovezao je stari tomos automatic sa velikim rezervoarom i ponosno ga parkirao ispred omladinskog doma. Motor je bio u lošem stanju. Tako smo imali praktičnu zabavu narednih par mjeseci pod nazivom "srediti Strelin krš". Savjetima, a ponekad i praktično pomagao nam je Željko Fleka, tada već stručni automehaničar. Omladinski dom je već tada u dijelu zabave vodio Marko Dileja. Odnosno još je bio Dileja, kasnije kada je otvorio kafić polako se taj nastavak izgubio, ostao je samo Marko. Marko je već tada pored stolova za stolni tenis zaljepio par postera Benny Hilla. Tako smo omladinski počeli zvati "Kod Benija". Kasna jesen je bila topla, a mi smo to koristili za điranje skuterima. Tada sam prvi put zamjetio da još netko priča sa Gogom. Prolazili smo ulicom i Goga je bila na prozoru, to su joj izgleda bili jedini izlasci. Ispod prozora je stajala Bosa i nešto pričala uz osmjeh. Kratko sam joj svirnuo. Na zvuk sirene sa skutera je podigla glavu i mahnula mi. Bosa je pogledala za nama. Kada smo se smjestili za stol u omladinskom Beniju i dohvatili ona tri "Jupi" gazirana soka Strela nije izdržao. "Koji ku..$..c sada onaj lezbos priča sa Gogom? Ako joj stari čuje da priča sa tom lezbačom tek onda će nahebati." Škot ga je prijekorno pogledao. On je jednostavno po prirodi bio džentlmen i nije mu ležao Strelin komentar. "Jebi ga Strela Bosa nije loša osoba samo nije imala sreće, a nema neke potvrde da je lezba." Strela je otpio malo Jupija i pogledao pažljivije cijeli prostor. Kada se uvjerio da Insekt i Vojislav nisu tu izvukao je cigaretu i zapalio je. Insekt je bio "mamin sin" miran i poslušan i sa sedamnaest godina. Da je vidio Strelu da puši odmah bi to prijavio mami, a ova Strelinim roditeljima. Od Strele je već jedan put dobio batine radi cinkanja ali je to samo napravilo veću frku. Problem smo riješili tako da smo ga stavili "na led" za druženje. Strela nije dalje komentirao, uživao je u cigareti. Nisam se slagao sa njegovim mišljenjem ali nije mi se niti raspravljalo sa njim. Slijedeća tema su bile cure iz kvarta, sve drugo je palo u zaborav. Slijedećeg dana sam vozio polako prema kući. Put me je vodio kroz Goginu ulicu. Bilo je kasno poslije podne i očekivao sam je možda na prozoru. Kada sam skrenuo u ulicu zamjetio sam da je prozor prazan. Bio sam u sporoj vožnji budući da sam želio živcirati svoju bivšu curu koja je stanovala ulicu prije. Dok sam prolazio pored nje mahnuo sam joj. Kao odgovor pokazala mi je srednji prst i nasmiješena se naslonila na ulazna vrata. Znao sam da će slušati zvuk motora nadajući se da ću popizditi i dodati gas. Iznenada se pojavila Goga na prozoru. Kada se uvjerila da je ulica pusta mahnula mi je više puta. Spustio sam gas na minimum i kada sam prišao kući isključio motor. Parkirao sam skuter i prišao prozoru. "Bambi molim te odnesi danas ovu poruku Bosi." Gurala je presavijeni komad papira prema meni. Primih ga u ruku. "Izvini ne smijem više tata je doma." Nestala je sa prozora. Ostao sam zbunjen ali sam se brzo pokupio. Nisam joj želio raditi probleme. Dok sam vozio prema Bosi mozgao sam o ovome. Bosa je boravila par ulica dalje kod bake kao i uvijek kada na kratko dođe iz Njemačke u Jugu. Poruka je bila samo dvostruko presavijeni komadić papira zaljepljen sa malo selotejpa. Mogao sam lako pažljivo ukloniti selotejp pročitati je pa vratiti selotejp na mjesto. Nije mi se dalo raditi tako nešto. Pozvonio sam na ulaznim vratima. Otvorila mi je Bosa. Bila je iznenađena. Pružih papir prema njoj. "Ovo ti šalje Goga. Zamolila me da ti dostavim." Bosa uhvati papir sa dva prsta i gurnu ga u džep kućne haljine. Nasmiješila mi se. "Bambi ti si izrastao u pravog dečka. Ajde uđi molim te samo kratko na piće." Malo sam dvojio ali mi nije dala izbor. Odmakla se od vrata i zapovjedno pokazala palcem ka unutrašnjosti. Ušao sam i sačekao da zatvori vrata. Polako je krenula ispred mene niz dugi hodnik. I kuća njene bake je bila u starinskom stilu. Dugi hodnik sa prozorima prema dvorištu na jednoj strani i ulaznim vratima u sobe na drugoj. Polako sam išao iza nje slušao zvuk drvenih potpetica i promatrao tu zamamnu zadnjicu kako se njiše u ritmu koraka ispred mene. Pomislih da stvarno ima dobro dupe, šteta što je hroma. Ušli smo u sobu na kraju hodnika. Po relativnom neredu i gomili razbacanih ženskih sitnica bilo je jasno da je to njena soba. Pokazala mi je na jednu od starinskih fotelja i počekala da sjednem. "Bambi što piješ? Hoćeš kolu ili hladno pivo? Ako već voliš nešto žešće imam odličan Čivas iz Njemačke?" Dvojio sam, želio sam popiti kolu ali nisam želio ispasti pičkica pred njom. "Može malo Čivasa." Izašla je kroz vrata i odkloparala prema kuhinji. Dok je izlazila primjetio sam da su drvena platforma i potpetica na njenoj lijevoj papuči više od onih na desnoj. Tako je pokušavala kompezirati kraću nogu. Vratila se i položila poslužavnik sa dvije čaše viskija i jednom čašom kole na stol ispred mene. Uzela je čašu viskija i sjela na krevet preko puta mene. Skužila je moju neodlučnost. Prekrižila je noge, kućna haljina se rastvorila malo više. Zamjetih da nosi najlonke, neke sa točkicama i romboidima. Imala je i dobre noge. Zazveckala je ledom u čaši. "Živjeli Bambi." "Živjeli." Otpio sam kratak gutljaj. Nije mi pasao okus viskija. Polako spustih čašu na stol. Nisam želio odmah posegnuti za kolom. Bosa je izvadila iz džepa cigarete i zapalila. Potom me pogledala i ponudila mi kutiju. Znao sam zapaliti tu i tamo poneku cigaretu. Ove su bile neke mentol, skužio sam po kutiji. Polako uzeh cigaretu i počekah da mi zapali elektroničkim upaljačem. "Bambi hvala ti što si mi donio poruku. Još više što je nisi čitao. Pravi si dečko." Otpila je gutljaj. "Goga je u zajebanoj situaciji i ja ću joj malo pomoći možda. Ali neka sve to ostane između nas." Pričali smo još oko pola sata. Uglavnom me ispitivala o događajima u kraju i o mom životu. Potom sam se pokupio. Ispratila me do vrata. Na rastanku me brzo poljubila u obraz. To joj je bilo teže izvesti, već sam bio dosta viši od nje. Nasmijala se i zatvorila vrata. Te sam večeri drkao na Bosu, samo u mojoj mašti je imala jednake noge, lijepi ten i agresivniji seksualni nastup prema meni. Bosa je skoro desetak godina starija od mene. Jedno vrijeme je radila kao tekstilni tehničar u tvornici ženskog rublja. Imala je veće grudi "oblik kruške" uzani struk i dobru zadnjicu. Imala je lijepo lice i punije usne ali su isto kvarili ožiljci od prištića. Ožiljke je pokušavala pokriti puderom i šminkom. Jedna noga joj je bila kraća i to je bio definitivni minus. Nakon više neuspješnih veza prije sedam godina se pokupila i otišla za Njemačku. Tada se to još moglo bez posebnih jamstava. Našla je posao u nekoj tvornici rublja i dolazila jedanput godišnje u "stari kraj". Ostajala je samo par dana. Jedino što je od odlaska u Njemačku više nitko nije vidio sa nekim dečkom. Često je dolazila sa nekim njemicama, navodno prijateljicama. Znale su se šetati "pod ruku" ali ništa više. Krenula je priča da je Bosa "promijenila obalu" odnosno sa dečki se prebacila na cure. Takve priče kada jednom krenu uvijek ostanu u igri. Narednih dva tjedna sam prenio još par poruka i vidio više razgovora na prozoru. Meni se činilo da povezujem stvari. Gogin bivši dečko Dejan je prije više od godinu dana otišao za Njemačku. Sigurno joj se nije mogao javljati telefonom sa njenom situacijom u kući. Znao sam da joj nije mogao ni pisati. Bosa je vjerojatno kurir. Nije mi bilo bitno, pomalo mi je bilo zanimljivo ono piće sa Bosom nakon što bih joj uručio poruku. Pričala je o mnogim stvarima u Njemačkoj, a uz to i o prijateljicama. Ja sam pijuckao čivas i kolu pušio njene mentolke i gledao u njene noge, uvijek u nekim seksi najlonkama i grudi u velikom dekolteu. Bilo mi je ugodno. Par puta sam je nazvao telefonom i navratio bez poruke. Bila je jako ljubazna, razgovor je trajao duže uz piće su bile i grickalice. Ja nisam poduzimao ništa. Ona se samo smiješila svjesna da je seksualni objekt za mene. Mislim da joj je to pasalo. Jednom prigodom me je upitala: "Bambi jesi već bio sa ženom? Mislim znam da si imao cure ali jesi ikada išao do kraja?" Imao sam sedamnaest godina. Još prije godinu dana sam "skinu mrak" kako smo to nazivali. I zadnja veza mi je bila više seksualna. Otpio sam gutljaj i klimnuo glavom. Prebacila se na drugu temu. Više to nije pominjala. Nakon dva tjedna zazvonio je telefon u mojoj kući. Mama se javila i pozvala me iz sobe. "Hajde opet neka od onih tvojih." Nisam imao predstavu koja. Bio sam trenutno sam i ništa izgledno nije bilo na vidiku. Preuzeo sam slušalicu. "Halo Bambi ne smetam ti?" Prepoznao sam Bosin glas. "Ne čitam neku knjigu." "Koju knjigu?" "Lovac u žitu od Salingera." "To je dobra knjiga. Slušaj sutra idem za Njemačku ako imaš malo vremena navrati kasnije, molim te." "Doći ću." Spustio sam slušalicu. Oko šest sati navečer bio sam kod Bose. Krenulo je sa uobičajenim pićem i odmah je prešla na stvar. "Bambi ja se ne mogu dopisivati sa Gogom. Ona meni može slati pisma ali njen stari otvara sve što ona dobije, a pogotovu bi ako je iz Njemačke. Mogu li pisma za nju slati na tvoju adresu, a ti joj proslijedi?" Nije mi bila frka dobivao sam pisma tu i tamo. U mojoj kući nitko nije otvarao tuđa pisma. Pogledao sam je upitno. "Može ali mi samo reci jesu to tvoja pisma ili joj Dejan piše?" Djelovala je malo zbunjeno. Potom se nasmiješila. "Da li bi ti smetalo da joj piše Dejan?" "Ne ni najmanje." "Onda čemu pitanje?" Prebacila je nogu preko noge. Nosila je neke crne čipkane čarape. Dobro su joj ocrtavale listove i koljena. "Te čarape su ti jako seksi." Nasmiješila se potom ustala. Otišla je do ormara i donijela dvije kutije. Na slikama na kutijama su bile scene seksa. "Ovo sam donijela za nekog prijatelja. Porno filmovi. Do danas nije došao po to, pa mislim da bi tebi i tvojoj ekipi možda dobro došlo." Zbunjeno sam uzeo kutije sa filmovima. To je to ja sam za nju samo klinac drkadžija. "Slobodno neka ide na moju adresu, dostaviću Gogi svako pismo ne otvoreno." Digao sam se i krenuo prema vratima sobe. "Čekaj." Okrenuo sam se. Prilazila mi je polako. "Za sada samo ovo." Uhvatila me sa obije ruke oko vrata i privukla nadolje. Ljubila me dosta dugo. Više je ona meni gurala jezik u usta nego ja njoj. Potom me polako odgurnula malo od sebe. Bio sam još ošamućen od poljupca. Okrenula se i zbacila one papuče sa nogu. Potom je posegnula ispod kućne haljine i skinula hulahopke. Polako ih je složila u paketić i prišla mi. Pružila je paketić prema meni. "Ako ih iduće godine doneseš kada se vidimo, biće i mnogo više od ovoga. Sutra putujem, sada idi molim te." Klimnuo sam glavom i krenuo prema vratima. Otpratila me je do izlaznih vrata onako bosa i poljubila još jedan put. Ovaj put je bilo kratko. Potom je izvadila maramicu i uz osmjeh obrisala ruž sa moga lica. "Bambi ako je na pismu tvoje ime malo podvučeno tada pišem tebi i to pismo slobodno otvaraj." Vrata su se zatvorila. Zbunjeno sam otišao do skutera sa čarapama u jednoj ruci i filmovima u drugoj. Izvadio sam gumeni natezač iz torbice na skuteru i pažljivo pričvrstio kutije sa filmovima na prtljažnik. Škotov stari ima kino projektor, a onaj prostor u podrumu smo upravo uređivali. Čarape sam stavio u džep od jakne. Zajahao sam skuter počeo sa pedalama i startao ga. Dodao sam gas, slušao je dobro. Te noći nisam spavao. Ujutro sam sjeo na skuter i krenuo u školu. Put me nije vodio tim pravcem ali sam prošao pored kuće Bosine bake. Bosin bijeli VW Buba više nije bio na parkingu. Vjerojatno je krenula sa svitanjem, put do Hamburga je dugačak. Goga Bosin bijeli VW Buba više nije bio na parkingu. Vjerojatno je krenula sa svitanjem, put do Hamburga je dugačak. Pravac Hamburg Navrato sam do Anđela i pokupio špiritno kuhalo. Isto sam mu posudio prije mjesec dana radi nekog kampiranja i ribičije. Vratio mi ga je i dodao plastičnu bocu od pola litra špirita. "Ovo nam je ostalo. Kuhalo je super." Pogledao me. Djelovao sam malo nervozno to je bilo jasno. "Putna groznica a? Hoćeš moje dvije posude od aluminja super lake su?" Okrenuo se i zagnjurio u stari ormar u kojem je držao svoje ribičko blago. Izvukao je jednu posudu sa poklopcem i gumenom trakom preko nje. Skinuo je traku i odigao pklopac. "Poklopac je tava, a montažna ručka za obije posude je unutra. Kuhalo stane u posudu." Odmjerih posude u ruci, stvarno su bile izrazito lake. "Uzimam, vratim ti čim dođemo." Klimnuo je glavom i pružio ruku. "Sretno Đoni." "Hvala." Pola sata kasnije sam ušao u poštu. Čekao me je telefonski poziv koji sam morao obaviti. Zato sam bio nervozan. Prvu pokušaj poziva je bio neuspješan. Poslao sam telegram prije polaska za Rumunjsku. Mama je poslije izvjestila da je bio poziv od neke cure iz Njemačke. Poruka je bila "sve u redu samo se javi prije polaska". Sada sam trebao direktno razgovarati. Želudac mi je radio. Prišao sam kabinama "Međunarodni" i stao u red. U Zemunskoj pošti je bilo samo dvije kabine za međunarodne razgovore. Na jednoj je pisalo "POKVARENO", a u drugoj je bila neka žena od pedeset godina. Čuo sam vani kako vrišti. "Rajko da doneseš djeci traperice "laviske", traže, a znaš koliko to ovdje košta." Uslijedila je pauza u kojoj je vjerojatno slušala drugu stranu. "Ne zanima me kada dolaziš pošalji po prijatelju! Da, smotana budalo, trebao bi imati ponekog prijatelja, a ti samo radiš i slažeš te marke, poslije za nas nemaš ni vremena ni maraka! Šalji sutra kako znaš!" Zalupila je slušalicu i uputila se prema blagajni. Niska i nabijena, gegala je kao patka. Još jedan koji se usrećio pomislih. Blagajnica mi mahnu da je razgovor naplaćen pa mogu unutra. Okrenuo sam broj. Prva tri signala je djelovalo da se nitko neće javiti. Želudac mi se malo stisnuo. Nismo pričali godinama. "Ja bitte." Gogin glas. "Halo goga Đoni je." Trenutak pauze potom oduševljeno. "Bambi to si stvarno ti? Kada dolaziš?" "Krećemo sutra, a dolazimo sva trojica kako sam ti napisao u telegramu. Ujedno sada me zovu samo Đoni pa teško reagiram kada me netko zove Bambi." Smijeh sa druge strane. "Znam Đoni ali Bosa i ja te još uvijek zovemo Bambi. Sorry to je malo jače u nama. Drago mi je da ću ponovno vidjeti moja tri viteza. Kada ste u Hamburgu?" "Za tri do pet dana ovisi koliko budemo lutali okolo." "Samo javi dan prije dolaska, to ti je par maraka u Njemačkoj, čekam vas na nekom od parkinga prije ulaska u Hamburg. Bosi je isto dragao da dolaziš, rekla je da joj obavezno javim kada budeš tu. Hajde sada da ne trošiš, kod vas je ovo skupo." "Ciao Goga." "Ciao Bam.. Đoni." Nasmijala se i pustila slušalicu. Još sam malo stajao sa slušalicom u ruci potom se uputih prema blagajni. Stvari sam spakirao za nešto više od pola sata. Onih par majica i gaća kao i rezervene traperice i tenisice su stale u okruglu putnu torbu. Istu sam imao namjeru staviti na prtljažnik. Vunenu dolčevitu sam položio preko jakne od umjetne kože. Kožne rukavice i duge gaće sam bacio preko dolčevite. Namjeravali smo krenuti sa svitanjem, a znao sam da je jutro dosta hladno na motoru. Tri luft madraca i šatorsko krilo sam stavio u okruglu JNA torbu sivo maslinaste boje. U istu sam ubacio i Streline tenisice. Strela je imao najslabiji motor pa smo ga radi dinamike vožnje nastojali maksimalno rasteretiti. Bacio sam gumene natezače preko torbi. Iz ormara sam izvukao "Serpico" kožne čizme u meksičkom stilu i položio ih pored jakne i gaća. Bio sam gotov, a nije mi se spavalo. Možda je Strela za koju putnu u Benny-ju. Okrenuh telefon. Javila se Strelina mama. Da, bio je doma ali je otišao kod Škota u podrum. Zar ne spavamo svi tamo da bi sutra ujutro krenuli skupa čim prije? Smirih je objašnjenjem da je to točno ali da je dogovor bio da se oko deset nađemo kod Škota. Vjerojatno je Strela otišao ranije pa sada pričaju. "E tko će vas znati djeco? Sretno i pamet u glavu." "Hvala i vama želim dobro zdravlje dok se ne vratimo." "Đoni pazi mi na sina. Doviđenja." Spustila je slušalicu. Njoj je uvijek trebao netko da "pazi na sina". Strela nije bio doma i neće vjerojatno doći noćas. Čudno. Nadao sam se barem razgovoru preko telefona. Škot je provodio zadnju noć sa Ljiljom u motelu "Vojvodina" kod Stare Pazove. Ljilja je vjerojatno rekla svojima da ide na službeni put. Škot je rekao svojima da spava kod mene. Na kraju još samo jedan telefonski bi izazvao težak lom. Sa Strelom sam dogovorio da se nađemo sutra ujutro oko četiri na dežurnoj benzinskoj u Zemunu. Tankamo i idemo do motela po Škota. Odatle ravno na auto cestu Beograd Zagreb. Valjda će doći ujutro na benzinsku. Teško sam zaspao. Jutro je bilo dosta svježe. Strela je došao na vrijeme. Nisam ga ništa pitao, sam će reći kada osjeti za shodno. Kako smo i očekivali na benzinskoj nije bilo mješavine. Nasuli smo regular iz prtljažnika izvadili ulje "Dvotaktol" i dosuli količinu od oka. Prvo smo dohvatili moj motor i dobro ga protresli lijevo desno. Bilo je još mračno. Strela je već platio benzu onom visokom mršavom radniku na benzinskoj. Onaj drugi niži nam je upravo prilazio. "Jutro Đoni, jutro Strela." Prepoznah Makedonca, bio je ok čovjek. "Jutro Maki, kojim dobrom?" Malo je slegao ramenima kao da želi reći "ni sam ne znam". "Jučer navečer je ovdje navratio Aca Psina. Tankao je benzu, kada sam prišao da naplatim rekao je da ti poručim, ako tankaš ovdje, da će poravnati račune sa tobom. Ti si najviše kriv za ono kod Marka. Žao mi Đoni, samo te želim upozoriti da se čuvaš." "Poruči mu, ako nije ljut kada te vidi, da mi može malo više nego popušiti. Ako je ljut šuti, u protivnom će udariti tebe da se isprazni." Strela je istupio malo naprijed. "Poruči mu i to kada se napuši Đonijevog da prelazi na moj, a Škot će ga u među razdoblju guziti da mu ne bude dosadno." Udario je Makedonca po ramenu. Ovaj odmahnu glavom. "Čini mi se da se Psina i ovaj put zajebao, kao i sa Markom i Čerkezom." Mahnuo nam je rukom i polako se udaljio. Stvari se brzo pročuju u predgrađu. Psina je morao naći nekog krivca za svoj debakl. Izgledalo mu je lakše da se javno kurči i obračunava sa mnom. Čerkeza nije smio niti pomisliti, a ne spomenuti. Vjerojatno je i ono zapišavanje imalo ulogu. Mislit ću o tome kada se vratim. Polako smo krenuli sa benzinske. Minutu kasnije smo udarili po plinu. Škot je čekao na parkingu. Već je svanulo. Dok smo ulazili na parking motela "Vojvodina" bacio je cigaretu i ugasio je petom. Nismo skidali kacige. Samo je navukao kacigu i provjerio šator pričvršćen na sjedalo. Krenuli smo odmah nakon toga. Petnaest minuta kasnije smo na auto cesti postigli maksimalnu brzinu grupe. Tempom od 90 – 100 km na sat ne bi nam puno trebalo do Zagreba. Onaj dio ceste u dobrom stanju smo brzo prošli, poslije je došao onaj lošiji. Pazili smo na rupe i aute koji su nas pretjecali. Već je uveliko bio dan i sunce je ugrijalo. Stali smo na benzinskoj da dotankamo i popijemo kavu. Sjeli smo na terasu nekog restorana odmah uz benzinsku. Pred nama su bile tri šalice kave i boca mineralne. Strela je iznenada počeo gledajući Škota. "Škot moram ti nešto reći u svezi Ljilje i ... pa recimo indirektne povezanosti sa mnom." Škot ga je pogledao glumio je zbrinutost. "Što što što? Da je nisi možda noćas nategao pa ti nezgodno kako mi to reći?" Počešao se po glavi. "Nešto se dugo zadržavala u kupaoni, već tada mi je bilo sve sumnjivo." Nasmijasmo se sva trojica. Škot je bio dobre volje. Dan je bio lijep i bili smo na cesti. Škot je uvijek bio dobre volje u tim uvjetima. Strela odmahnu rukom. "Znaš Ljiljinu prijateljicu, onu Miru?" "Onu oko koje se ti motaš već šest mjeseci? Nisam je jebao ako to pitaš, doduše imam to u planu ako ti ne požuriš i ako mi Ljilja dozvoli. Mislim da je zato i pokušala pomoći tebi da je skontaš, plaši se za mene." Škot je bio stvarno u elementu. Strela je bio malo zbunjen. Izbacio je u jednom dahu. "Noćas smo bili zajedno. Zakasnio si ti." Potražio je kutiju sa duhanom i počeo motati cigaretu. Škot je izvadio jednu svoju Drinu bez filtera i zapalio je šibicom. Okrenuo se prema konobarici koja je upravo prolazila. "Gospodična jednu pivu i tri čaše." Debeljuškasta cura u minici je samo klimnula glavom i produžila ka šanku. "Strela ovo moramo zaliti. Ali smo na cesti pa jedna piva na tri dijela. Obično "tko čeka gubi vrijeme" ali kod tebe je bilo "tko čeka dočeka", stvarno si sretni luđak." Tapšao ga je po ramenu. Piva je stigla. Natočili smo i nazdravili. "U Zagrebu slijedi nastavak." Dodao sam. Više se nismo bavili tom temom svima nam je bila poznata Strelina zaljubljenost u Miru. Ljilja je malo posredovala kod prijateljice, pazeći oprezno da ne ispadne da "gura na silu". Čim smo ispraznili mineralnu krenuli smo dalje. Kasno popodne bili smo pred studentskim domom u Zagrebu. Put je prošao bez problema izuzev razmjene psovki sa vozačima i pokojeg pokazivanja srednjeg prsta. Milicija nas je samo jedan put zaustavila čisto provjere radi. Strelina prijateljica Olga nas je čekala na parkingu ispred doma. Pokazala nam je gdje je najsigurnije da pustimo motore. Pokupili smo stvari i motore vezali skupa tankim lancem, što je bila kakva takva zaštita da ne odlutaju malo na svoju ruku. Pet minuta kasnije sjedeli smo u društvenim prostorijama i trusili neku domaću Ličku rakiju koju su držali u nekoj torbi, a samo bocu od kole na stolu. Alkohol je u društvenim prostorijama službeno bio zabranjen. Olga nas je predstavila svojoj ekipi. Malo su zazirali od nas. Čuli su za priče o Ljubi Zemuncu i dečkima iz Zemuna, a mi smo bili u jaknama od umjetne kože i mirisali na benzin i cestu. Sa druge strane i mi smo slušali slične priče o dečkima iz Novog Zagreba i obračunima negdje oko Srednjaka i Knežije. Svaka strana je bila malo oprezna prema drugoj naročito u prvih petnaest minuta. Trebalo je pola sata da se led malo otopi. Poslije je išlo lako. Priča o glazbenim trendovima najnovijim filmovima, mogućnosti za posao nakon faksa. Kada su čuli da idemo za Hamburg krenula je lavina razgovora. Ubrzo smo dobili par ponuda da možemo prespavati kod roditelja koji su u Njemačkoj. Izgleda da je pola ekipe imalo roditelje na radu u Njemačkoj. Stvarno su bili super ekipa. Olga nas je odvela na večeru u domu. Imala je dosta neiskorištenih bonova. Nije bilo ni čudo obzirom da je imala stvarno uzan struk. Bila je uredna i diskretno našminkana. Crna kosa i zelene oči. Vrlo zgodna sa simpatičnim licem u tim uskim trapericama. Više mi nije bilo čudno što je Strela dopustio sebi da glumi instituciju "Paloma Frajera za jednokratnu uporabu". Mala bi bacila svakog tko voli žene na koljena. Strela je imao hladnokrvan pristup s curama. Ako je cura rekla "Znaš bilo je lijepo ovih tjedan dana ali najbolje da ostanemo prijatelji", Strela bi to prihvatio bez sujete. Gledajući Olgu nisam se ni čudio zašto. Stvari smo pustili kod ekipe. Nakon večere Olga se ispričala "da još mora učiti ali da će nam pokazati sobu, pa ako želimo možemo se vratiti do ekipe ionako kartaju do kasno u noć". Strela je bio u nekom svom filmu i nije čuo pola objašnjenja. Škot je kao i uvijek bio hladne glave. "Hvala ali idemo sutra raaano ujutro čim izvučem ova dva međeda iz kreveta." Olga se nasmiješila i povela nas do sobe. U prolazu smo pokupili stvari. Atmosfera je bila dobra. Čulo se puno smijeha. Jedna cura i dva dečka su nam pružili papiriće sa imenima i brojevima telefona u Njemačkoj. Kome da se obratimo za "ne daj bože". Pozdravili smo se na rastanku. Čim smo se smjestili u sobi bacili smo se na umivanje i pranje iznad umivaonika. Nije nam se išlo do zajedničkih tuševa. Soba je bila dvokrevetna. Napuhali smo jedan luft madrac i izvadili vreće za spavanje. Legli smo i pet minuta kasnije ona dvojica su bili u svojim snovima. Ja nisam mogao spavati. Previše toga se vraćalo. Goga Godina je prošla brzo. Pokušali smo sa skijanjem te zime ali nije nam išlo nešto. Ja sam otkrio gitaru i prvi hit Djoni Štulića "Balkan". Polako sam umjesto Bambi dobivao nadimak Đoni. Strela je imao svoje prvo seksualno iskustvo odnosno "skinuo mrak". Škot se uz Aikido počeo baviti i ronjenjem. Skupljali smo lovu za bolje motore, "kada položimo". Ja sam uz to imao i prvu dužu vezu od šest mjeseci. Bosa je poslala sedam pisama. Pet je bilo normalno adresirano na mene. Proslijedio sam ih Gogi bez otvaranja. Dva su imala podvučeno ime. Otvarao sam ih sa radoznalošću. U prvom mi je pisala kako je putovala i da sam stvarno sladak i pravi. Napisala je nešto o tome da ide na neku višu školu i pitala me da li smo "iskoristili filmove" koje mi je poklonila. Ispod pitanja je bio nacrtan širok osmjeh. Filmove smo kod Škota u podrumu apsolvirali. Gledali smo ih više puta. U prvom su tri dečka zadovoljavali jednu curu na sve moguće načine. U drugom su dvije cure zadovoljavale jednog dečka i pomalo se zadovoljavale između sebe. To su bili klasični "super 8" filmovi bez tona. Pustili bi glazbu i gledali ih uz monoton šum kino projektora. Trajali su oko deset minuta svaki. Položili smo za A kategoriju. Još je samo falilo "nešto jače među nogama". U drugom pismu Bosa je opisivala kako je sa cimericom kupila stari stan na kredit te kako ga uređuju. Osjetila se ushićenost uređenjem stana i cimericom "koja je bila izuzetno spretna". Počeo sam pomalo razmišljati o onim pričama da je lezba. To mi trenutno nije bilo bitno u trenutnoj vezi seks je išao odlično. Moja veza se uskoro okončala, a započela je druga sa starim MZ – 150. Došlo je ljeto. Goga je i dalje gurala istu relaciju kuća – posao – kuća i izlasci "na prozor". Razgovarali smo na prozoru. Pitala me je koliko koštaju slike za osobnu i ono pasoš. Rekoh joj iznos. Preturala je po novčaniku i brojala sitno potom odmahnula glavom. "Nama dovoljno." Bilo mi je čudno. "Zar ne primaš plaću u Galenici?" Pogledala me, učinilo mi se da su joj kutevi očiju vlažni. "Đoni tata mi uzima sve, navodno štedi za mene, pušta mi samo minimum koliko mi treba." Ostao sam šokiran. Po meni to je otišlo predaleko, dalje od toga nije moglo. Kasnije sam se uvjerio da može. Posegnuo sam u džep i izvadio dvije novčanice. Pružio sam joj kroz prozor. "Vrati kada budeš mogla u životu." Pokupila je novac i zagrcnula se. Mahnula mi je rukom i nestala sa prozora. Ljeto je bilo toplo škola se završila i svi smo upisali neke faksove u "prvom roku". Škot je otišao na strojarstvo, Strela pod pritiskom roditelja na višu ekonomsku, sa planom da nakon toga završi višu građevinsku i ode u Australiju. Ja sam završio na ekonomskom. Upravo sam radio na motru kada se začuo telefon. Ušao sam u hodnik bez žurbe, veza mi se raspala prije dva tjedna, sa dva prsta sam podigao slušalicu pazeći da je ne zaprljam. Dublji malo promukao Bosin glas. "Halo Bambi." Bio sam iznenađen. "Hei Bosa." "Što radiš?" "Popravljam motor." Kao da prethodno pitanje nije bilo bitno. "Želiš doći do mene večeras?" "Mogu slobodan sam nemam ništa u planu." Nisam to rekao onako hladno kako sam želio. "Imaš još one čarape?" "Ponesi ih." "Možda da ih i obučem?" Nasmijala se. "To bi bilo fora ali pusti to sad na stranu." "Ok, oko sedam sam kod tebe, isključi baku da mi ona ne otvori vrata." Spustila je slušalicu. Vratih se da dotegnem malo vijke na auspuhu, a koje sam upravo otpuštao sa namjerom da ih zamjenim novima. Izdržaće i ovako dan dva. Istuširao sam se i navukao traperice i staru vojničku košulju. Iz ormara sam izvukao jeftinu imitaciju "Serpico" čizama. U džep košulje sam ubacio metalne "pilotske" naočale za sunce. Otvorio sam radni stol i sa dna ladice izvukao pažljivo složene Bosine čarape. Ubacio sam ih u drugi džep na košulji i navukao čizme. Krenuo sam ka motoru. Mama je dobacila vješajući rublje na špagu. "Kada se vraćaš?" Slegao sam ramenima. "Pojma ne znam." Za mnom je doletjela jedna štipaljka za rublje. Zajahao sam i navukao ručno obojenu kacigu bez vizira. Dobro je pokrivala uši ali dalje ne. Stavio sam naočale za sunce i startao motor. Izgledao sam samome sebi cool. Bosina buba je bila parkirana na ulazu u dvorište. Iza nje je bilo dovoljno mjesta da parkiram MZ. Skinuo sam kacigu i polako skidao naočale. Te godine sam gledao film "Easy Rider" koji je neki genijalac preveo kao "Goli u sedlu". Mislio sam da izgledam kao Peter Fonda kada je nonšalantno bacio ručni sat. Nadao sam se da me gleda kroz prozor. Prišao sam vratima i pozvonio. Sve ideje o cool izgledu su se raspale i vratio sam se u stvarnost. Niz hodnik se čulo kloparanje papuča sa drvenim potplatama. Otvorila je vrata. Inače je kosu bojila u plavo i nosila na lokne. Sada je bila više plava, a ispod kose su me promatrala dva plava oka. Nikada prije nisam obratio pažnju na boju njenih očiju. Uvijek sam gledao u njenu zadnjicu, noge ili grudi. Osmjeh je bio iskren i topao. Na sebi je imala istu kućnu haljinu od prošle godine samo malo više izbledjelu. "Upadaj, baka je legla pa smo skoro pa sami." Ušao sam za njom u onu sobu koju sam poznavao još od prošle godine. Nered je bio veći. Nešto rublja je bilo razbacano po ležaju, a torbica sa šminkom nemarno bačena na stol za kojim sam ranije pio. Na istom stolu je bila i otvorena boca čivasa te pepeljara sa upaljenom cigaretom. Na podu su bila dva poluotvorena kufera. Pitao sam se što je sve unutra. Pogledao sam je i čekao da počne. Prišla mi polako i položila dlanove na moje obraze. Polako i bez ikakvog pritiska savijala je moju glavu prema sebi, a potom me nježno poljubila u usta. "Sjedi." Polako sam se okrenuo i sjeo u onu staru fotelju. Odkloparala je niz hodnik i vratila se sa kolom i čašom punom leda. Ubacila je led u čaše i nasula čivas. Gurnula je kutiju sa mentolkama ispred mene. Odmahnuo sam glavom i izvadio kutiju LD-a i stari benzinski austrijski upaljač. Zapalih cigaretu. Nasmješila se. "Brzo dograđuješ osobnost, neki se rode sa tim, a neki je nikada neće imati." Nije mi bilo jasno što želi reći. "Kako misliš?" Pokazala je glavom na upaljač. "Zašto ga koristiš?" "Našao sam ga u djedovim starim stvarima, svidio mi se jako, popravio sam ga i ...." "To je razlika, uzeo si ono što ti se svidjelo, a nisi težio za nečim čime ćeš impresionirati okolicu, recimo ZIPPO ili plinski Ronson. Neki te stvari uzmu jer im se sviđaju, a neki samo zato što su poznate marke." Posramljeno sam razmišljao o onih par minuta kod dolaska, kada sam želio biti Peter Fonda. Sada mi je bilo drago što me nije promatrala, to bi bila parodija. Slegoh ramenima. "Čovjek uvijek treba uzeti ono što mu se sviđa. Ako uzima nešto što drugi smatraju da treba uzeti, a to mu se ne sviđa već isto uzima radi okolice, nije svoj." Smiješila se. "Imaš čarape?" Posegoh rukom u džep košulje i pružih joj smotuljak čipke oblikovan u hulahopke. Uzela ih je i zavukla jednu ruku u nogavicu. Lagano je pomirisala. "Nisi ih prao?" "Ne tako su dulje imale miris pa mi je ..." Ponovno se smiješila. "Tako nekako." Gledala me nježno. "Možeš ostati cijelu noć?" "Mogu nitko me ne kontrolira više, ne radim pizdarije i nemam frke sa milkanima." "Skini čizme, a ja idem po još neke stvari." Ponovno je odkloparala niz hodnik. Polako sam skinuo čizme i položio ih pored fotelje. Dok se vraćala zamjetih da nosi neke crne obične čarape. U ruci je nosila pladanj sa zdjelama. Zatvorila je vrata i počela slagati zdjele na stol. "Račići, okruglice od riže, crni kruh i slane srdele. Vino imam u ormaru." Polako je odložila poslužavnik na stolić pored kreveta i okrenula se. Gledala me. Potom je skinula kućnu haljinu. Ispod je imala samo mini čipkani grudnjak i samostojeće čarape. Nije imala gaćice. Međunožje je bilo izbrijano. Sve moje cure prije toga nisu brijale skoro ništa. Tri od četiri koje sam vidio gole se nisu brijale niti ispod pazuha. Samostojeće čarape su u to doba bile rijetkost. Cure su nosile jeftine najlon hulahopke koje bi se zarolale ispod traperica u gornjem dijelu. Polako je prilazila i ubacila ponovno led u čaše te dosula čivas. "Ne žurimo, počni se skidati kada osjetiš da si opušten." Pružila mi je čašu potom sjedajući na krevet zazvijeckala ledom u svojoj čaši. "Živjeli." "Živjeli." Tek sada sam zamjetio da ima tetovažu na lijevoj dojki onaj dio iznad bradavice koji grudnjak nije pokrivao. Mala slatka mačkica koja sjedi. Oko vrata je imala zlatni lančić sa pentagramom. "Bambi ti si dobar i čvrst." Pogledah je upitno. "Jedino tebi nije bitno što ova okolica priča o Gogi i imaš dovoljno hrabrosti da pričaš sa njom." Nisam želio pričati o Gogi. Ipak upitah. "Kako ide to sa Dejanom?" Malo čudno se nasmiješila. "Valjda dobro." Otpio sam gutljaj, iz nekoga razloga odjedanput se ni meni nije žurilo. Bilo je nečega u ovom trenutku, želio sam ga produljiti. Polako sam otkopčao par dugmadi na košulji. Bosa se smiješila potom prišla i uzela par račića na kruh. "Moramo baciti nešto u kljun inače će nas ovaj čivas brzo nokautirati." Vratila se na ležaj, očigledno je zaboravila na vino. Nasuh si malo kole u čašu. Sjedela je na ležaju i grickala račiće. Kruh je pustila na stoliću pored ležaja. Priđoh joj polako i položih ruke na ramena. Potom sam se spustio na koljena i otkopčao joj grudnjak. Grudi su se spustile prema potkoljenicama. Stvarno su bile velike i imale oblik kruške. Počela mi je dalje otkopčavati košulju. Polako. Probudio me miris kave. Sunce je probijalo kroz zavjese. Bosa je u kućnoj haljini sjedela na rubu kreveta. Nježno me promatrala. Na pladnju pored mene je bila šalica kave pepeljara i čaša soka. Polako sam posegnuo za kavom. Potom sam vratio šalicu na pladanj. Otpio sam malo soka potom se okrenuo i dohvatio cigarete sa stolića pored kreveta. Zapalio sam i ponovno uzeo šalicu sa kavom. Želio sam je izvesti do Benny-ja koji se tek otvorio ili u pizzeriju, potom se prošetati sa njom. "Što radiš poslije podne?" Upitao sam tiho. Dugo me gledala. "Bambi nećemo se vidjeti poslije podne. Nemoj me krivo shvatiti nemam nikoga ovdje ali ja nisam za tebe. Starija sam dosta i već sam u svome filmu. Kakav je takav je. Ti tek otkrivaš svoj film. Ne želim ti smetati. Dobro ti ide i nastoj dalje biti svoj. Mi ćemo se viđati ali ti ja neću biti vodič. Put ćeš pronaći sam." Otpila je gutljaj kave i počekala. Kada nisam ništa rekao nastavila je. "Sutra navečer se vidimo. Prekosutra ujutro idem. Došla sam samo obaviti nešto i idem dalje." Položila mi je ruku na podlakticu. "Stvarno si osoba." Polako sam ispijao kavu. Nisam znao što reći. Polako ugasih cigaretu u pepeljari. Počeo sam se oblačiti. Gledala me kako navlačim čizme i stavljam naočale u džep. "Vidimo se sutra navečer. Poslaću ti prave Serpico čizme i naočale kada ti se toliko sviđaju." Posegnula je rukama iza vrata i otkopčala lančić sa pentagramom. Potom je prišla i zakopčala ga oko mog vrata. Spustih joj ruku na natkoljenicu. Još je nosila one samostojeće čarape. Ljubila me polako i nježno. Nisam vjerovao da je noćas pokazala toliko tehnike i strasti. Polako je skinula jednu samostojeću čarapu i umotala je u kuglicu. Kuglicu je meni utisnula u dlan. "To ćeš mi vratiti kada dođeš u Njemačku, a doći ćeš. Do tada neka te štiti moja amajlija koju sam ti dala." Dodirnula je lančić oko mog vrata. Uzeo sam kacigu sa stola i krenuo prema izlazu. Na izlaznim vratima sam zastao. "Doći ću sutra navečer oko sedam." Klimnula je glavom potom me brzo poljubila. Izašao sam vani i zajahao motor. Trebalo mi je piće i još malo vremena da razmislim. Startao sam i zaputio se prema Škotu. Možda je i Strela tamo. Strela je bio tamo. Imao je i on "prinovu", stari MZ 125. Bilo je korozije na njemu ali motor je dobro radio. Bili smo doista zadovoljni. Škot je čekao svoj novi Tomos – Elektronik 90. Sada su to već bili motori. Popili smo koju rakiju od kruške. Škotov djed je radio te rakije. Jako je pekla. Nazvali smo je "Gromovača" skraćeno od "prži ko grom". Slijedeći dan sam proveo u polu snu. Malo sam i raspravljao sa samim sobom u glavi. Nitko nije obraćao pažnju. Navikli su da imam napade "ćutologije". Navečer sam navratio do Bose. Otključala je vrata i bez riječi smo krenuli ka sobi. Počeo sam je ljubiti i skinuo joj odmah onu kućnu haljinu. Bila je gola. Podigao sam je i odnio do kreveta. Ujutro me probudila oko četiri. Kava je čekala na stolu pored fotelja. Sjeli smo u fotelje i zapalili cigarete. Dok smo pili kavu prelazila je noktom lijeve ruke po mojoj nadlanici. "Moram se spakirati i krenuti, obavila sam jučer sve što je trebalo." Pogledah je. "Vidimo se još?" "Naravno." Položila je ruku na moju. "A ti budi svoj, pisaću ti i ponekada te nazvati." Poljubila me. "Poslaću ti ponekada ponešto po nekome. Ne želim te kupovati, samo ako mislim da bi ti se nešto svidjelo, to ću ti i poslati." Poljubila me i počela ubacivati stvari u kufere. Obukao sam se i zagrlio je. "Puno si mi pružila." Nježno je prešla prstom po mojim usnama. "Idi Bambi. Molim te." Okrenuo sam se i izašao bez riječi. Znao sam da me neće pratiti. Otključao sam vrata i skoro otrčao do motora. Startao sam i navukao kacigu. Počekao sam da se motor razbudi potom dodao gas i krenuo. Trebalo mi je neko opuštanje da razmislim. Dan sam proveo kod Škota. Pili smo pive koje je ukrao u skladištu gdje je radio preko omladinske, slušali ploče i pričali o knjigi "Galeb Jonatan Livingston". Pred kraj dana sam se zapitao koliko je Bosa imala sličnosti sa Jonatanom Livingstonom i ona je nešto nosila u sebi ali nisam znao što. Nazvao sam svoje i javio da spavam kod Škota. Mama je samo prokomentirala "Navrati ponekada doma". Dva dana kasnije smo otišli po Škotov Elektronik 90. Dok smo polako vozili natrag osjećali smo se posebno. Ovo su već bili pravi motori. Naredna dva tjedna su brzo proletjela. Bacali smo đireve znatno dalje. Izlazili na obilaznicu sa više traka i isprobavali pomalo mogućnosti novih motora. Sređivali koroziju na Strelinom motoru i auspuh na mom. Kod Benny-ja smo bili inventar navečer. Povremeno bi bacili vožnju do Slankamena u ribičiju i na malo kupanja. U pjesku na obali smo sparingovali i provjeravali što smo naučili ove godine iz tehnike "borbe prazne šake". Smirio sam se i postigao neku ravnotežu. Onaj princip Jin i Jang mi je nekako postao bliži. Jahači u magli Dugo sam čitao neku knjigu. Već je bila večer ali još za vidjela. Izašao sam da protegnem noge i razbistrim glavu. Noge su me same odnijele do Gogine ulice. Nadao sam se da je na prozoru. Polako sam prilazio Goginoj kući. Goge nije bilo na prozoru. Prozor je bio otvoren ali je u sobi bio mrak. Odlučih se ipak proći pored prozora. Iznenada Goga se pojavila. Pogledala je uz ulicu, a potom niz. Ugledala me je i mahnula. Prišao sam prozoru. "Baambi super, molila sam boga da mi netko pomogne, a sada si ti tu." "Baambi super, molila sam boga da mi netko pomogne, a sada si ti tu." Pogledah je zbunjeno. "Bosa je rekla da si ti jedini čovjek kome mogu vjerovati." Više je šaputala nego što je tiho pričala. Bio sam zbunjen ali me spominjanje Bose vezalo za problem. "Što ti treba?" "Bambi moraš mi pomoći moraš me skloniti samo do jutra i pomoći mi da stignem na željeznički kolodvor." Pogledao sam zbunjeno. "Zašto?" "Bježim od tate u Njemačku." Djelovala je živčano i prestrašeno. Zaključih da je konačni dogovor sa Dejanom pao i da se Goga ponovno seli kod njega. "Gdje je problem? Zašto ne odeš normalno pa punoljetna si?" "Jooj Bambi ne mogu sada ako ćeš mi pomoći kasnije ću ti objasniti većinu stvari. Ovo je jedinstvena prilika. Tata je otišao na neku svadbu i nema ga do jutra, a mama se nakljukala apaurinima i kao gleda "Dinastiju", bolje rečeno na sedmom nebu je. Ovo se skoro neće ponoviti. Samo mi pomozi moolim te." Već je bila na granici suza. "OK smislit ćemo nešto." "Hvataj." Kroz prozor je doljetela manja putna torba i refleksno sam je uhvatio. "Makni se." Odstupio sam par koraka od prozora. Goga se jednim spretnim pokretom prebacila preko prozora i skočila vani. Bila je jako spretna, čak joj se ni ona haljina nije zadigla. Stajala je ispred mene. "Bambi skloni me negdje i sve ću ti objasniti. Skloni me makar i u kanalizaciju." Ovo je već sličilo na histeriju. Samo su me pominjanje Bosinog imena i oči preplašene srne spriječile da pobjegnem. Uzeo sam je za ruku i povukao za sobom. Padalo mi je samo jedno mjesto na pamet. Podrum kod Škota. Zvao sam ga prije pola stata i bio je doma. Gledao je nogomet, još nije bilo kasno i nadao sam se da je ostao uz TV, problem je bio što ga nogomet nije zanimao baš puno. Dok smo stigli do Škotove kuće već je bio mrak smjestih Gogu u sjeni lipe ispred kuće i pozvonih na vrata. Otvorila je Škotova mama i pozvala me da uđem. "Ne hvala samo bih malo popričao sa njim i idem doma pa ga pozovite vani." Žena je klimnula glavom i za jednu minutu Škot je bio vani. Objasnih mu u par riječi situaciju. Kao što sam se i nadao nije puno pitao. Bio je kratak. "Idem otključati podrum, a vi uđite za dvije minute. Držite se zida i nitko vas neće vidjeti." Pet minuta kasnije smo već bili u "našem privatnom prostoru". Škot je izvana zatvorio metalne škure potom se vratio u prostoriju. Upalio je malu lampu kako bi eventualno spriječio da malo svjetla probije ispod škura. Bila je neka slaba svjetlost ili polu tama. Škot nas je pogledao. "Idem gore i za jedan sat ću reći da spavam dolje, da imam nešto raditi. Tada već mama ide u krevet i nema teorije da dođe ovdje da me pita hoću nešto jesti. Nitko drugi me neće ništa gnjaviti pa smo sigurni. Do tada ako idete u wc gore ne potežite vodu to se čuje u kući, kada ja dođem više nije važno." Uhvatih ga za ruku kada je krenuo. "Škot da pozoveš Strelu pa da ko fol on spava kod tebe, tada i neki drugi zvukovi ne bi bili čudni." Klimnuo je glavom. "Ali za sat sat i pol kada mama zagrli krevet inače znaš kako dosadna i radoznala zna biti." Nestao je u vidu lastinog repa, a ja sam ostao sam u polutami sa Gogom. Priču sam započeo skoro šaptom. "Goga daj mi sada objasni sve ovo, sada si sigurna i objasni čemu cijeli cirkus?" Šutala je igrajući se jednim pramenom svoje smeđe srednje duge kose. Sjedela je na onom starom kauču skupljenih nogu savijenih ispod ruba kauča. Djelovala je jadno i uplašeno. Šutala je par sekundi, a potom me pogledala nekim čudnim pogledom. I dalje je djelovala na rubu plača. "Bambi moram se presvući doista moram. Ovo nisam ja. Poslije ti sve objasnim." Ustala je bez riječi otvorila onu putnu torbu i izvadila jeftine traperice sa "buvljaka" i jeftinu majicu. Bez oklijevanja je uhvatila onu haljinu na sebi za donji rub i svukla je preko glave. Ostala je u donjem rublju. Zamjetih da doista nosi neki krem steznik, vjerojatno iz doba mladosti njene mame. Duge pamučne čarape su se držale na žabicama. Grudnjak je isto bio uzor morala pedesetih godina. Jednim potezom je svukla i steznik i čarape. Polako je dohvatila traperice i navukla ih, potom je navukla majicu i cipele. Haljinu i steznik je brzim pokretom ubacila u torbu. Sjela je na kauč. Oči su joj se polako punile suzama. "Sada sam to ja i ako umrem umirem kao ja." Nisam znao što reći. "Goga gdje je problem? Zašto se toliko plašiš? Objasni mi da ti mogu pomoći. Zašto pominješ smrt?" Pogledala me. Sada su joj već suze tekle niz lice. "Zato što moj tata nije normalan i zato što ako nas uhvati sigurno će me ubiti. Išao je na svadbu i ponio pištolj da tamo puca do mile volje." Bio sam ošamućen. Sve mi manje bilo jasno ali Gogin pogled je kroz suze djelovao prisebno znala je što govori. "Zašto bi te ubio. Kao odrasla osoba si pobjegla od kuće. Tko ti to brani. Smiri se." Unatoč tihom glasu djelovao sam oštro. Sada su joj suze već tekle niz lice u potocima. "Bambi zato što je ljubomoran." E već mi bilo pomalo dosta, više od toga što sam se i sam polako gubio. "Ok ideš kod Dejana, a svi očevi su ljubomorni na ćerke, pizdit će i proći će ga. Predpostavljam da ti je Dejan poslao lovu za kartu do Njemačke, što te ima ubijati radi toga?" Lice joj je bilo izobličeno suze su se sljevale u dvije rijeke, mene je hvatala panika. Kada je progovorila uvjerio sam se da ljudi mogu šapatom vrištati. "On nije ljubomoran na mene kao na ćerku. Bambi on me siluje od devete godine i lud je od ljubomore na svakoga u mom životu." Pred kraj je šapat vrisak skoro nestajao, kao zadnji izdah čovjeka na samrti. Sklupčala se i tresla u jecajima na kauču. Ruke su mi se počele tresti, a u nogama sam osjetio slabost. Goga je jecala bezglasno na kauču sklupčana u poziciji fetusa. Otišao sam do boce sa vodom na stolu i popio gutljaj. Malo me vratilo pod kontrolu. Goga je čudno i bezglasno jecala na kauču. Uputih se do ormara i tiho otvorih vrata. Bocu sa rakijom sam našao odmah. Popio sam dobar gutljaj potom još jedan. Potom zapalio cigaretu. Goga je još ležala na kauču i tresla se u bezglasnim jecajima. Uzeo sam pepeljaru i položio je na kauč. Uvukao sam duboko dim iz cigarete i sjeo do Goge. Skoro nesvjesno sam položio slobodnu ruku na njena leđa i počeo je blago trljati. I sam sam se još tresao. Nakon par minuta se počela smirivati. Ja sam zapalio drugu cigaretu i ponovio ritual sa rakijom potom sam sjeo do Goge i položio joj ruku na leđa. Još se pomalo tresla ali u sve manjim grčevima. Prošlo je još par minuta dok grčevi nisu prestali. Potom se disanje smirilo. Ugasio sam cigaretu i blago je podigao i zagrlio. Više nisam bio izgubljen. Srce mi je još radilo ubrzano ali sam postajao hladan, polako, prvi put otkrivajući tu svoju karakteristiku. Kasnije su znali reći "Dobro je dok se Đoni ljuti ali loše je kada se kiselo smiješi". Smirila se. Pustih je. Sjela je normalno na kauč. Prebacih ruku preko njenog ramena. "Možemo sve prijaviti miliciji ako hoćeš ili možemo ostati tihi i samo organizirati da odeš. Kako želiš ali ipak i u ovoj državi postoji zakon koji brani tako nešto." Kada je progovorila glas joj je bio prazan, poput odjeka u potpuno praznoj sali za sastanke. "Bambi ti si uvijek bio idealist. Čvrst si u onome što naumiš. Šutiš i slušaš druge pa im je drago da pričaju sa tobom ali sve idealiziraš." Nakašljala se suho. Ustao sam i otišao do one boce sa vodom. Pored boce je bila prljava čaša. Kome bitno. Napunio sam čašu vodom i stavio je Gogi u ruku. Polako je otpila. Ruke su joj se još po malo tresle. Pogledala me. "Bambi bratić moga tate je jedan od šefova milicijske u Zemunu. Moj tata stalno priča kako sam napola luda i da me treba staviti pod skrbništvo. Bratić mu vjeruje i sažaljeva ga. Ako nešto prijavimo bit će moja riječ protiv njegove, a kraj je jasan ostajem doma pod skrbništvom, znači njegova robinja za cijeli život." Poludio sam. Onaj osjećaj pravde je proradio u meni. "Odluke o skrbništvu donose liječnici, a ne milkani. Na kraju nemoguće da i tvoja mama ništa nije zamjetila? Ako je reći će to!" Ruke su joj se ponovno počele tresti. Nisam to želio. Prišao sam ormaru izvukao jednu malu čašu sa gornje police i dohvati onu rakiju. Natočio sam i potom pružio čašu Gogi. Uzela je sa dvije ruke i prolila pola, ostalo je uspjela popiti. Počekao sam. Gogine ruke su se smirile. Ponudih joj cigaretu. Uzela je. Zapalih joj i zatvorih upaljač. "Pućkala" je ne uvlačeći u pluća. Vjerojatno joj je to bila prva cigareta. Ipak je pomoglo. Imala je nešto među prstima i radila je nešto sa tim. Pomislih da bi i komad špaga dao isti efekt. Polako je podigla pogled prema meni. "Bambi ti si idealist, a tvoja ekipa poštenjačine. Specifični ste samo zato što se držite skupa i imate neki svoj film i svoja pravila." Živčano je ugasila cigaretu u pepeljari. "Kada je moja mama prvi put skužila odnosno kada sam joj se požalila napravila je frku. Htjela je otići sa mnom kod bratića u Šid. Tata je pretukao, potom joj stavio cijev pištolja u usta i prisilio je da gleda dok me siluje. Rekao je da će me ubiti prije nego dopusti da odemo. Moja mama je slab karakter, ne zna naći izlaz iz teških situacija, inače nikada ne bi bila sa takvim luđakom. Nakon toga šuti i kljuka se apaurinima, moli se, valjda se nada da će nam bog pomoći i ja ću ostati živa." Pružila mi je čašicu. Otišao sam do ormara i natočio joj potom sam povukao gutljaj. Polako joj pružih čašicu. Otpila je i ponovno mi zabola pogled u oči. "Cijela sredina nakon godina priče zna da sam ja Ćaknuta Goga, kurva koja je otrčala za prvim kurcem na koji je nalijetela. Tata godinama priča svima da nisam normalna, više ni sama ne znam da li jesam. Jučer me šef na poslu uhvatio za dupe. Kada sam reagirala samo me pitao da li sam ponovno vidjela vukodlake." Ispila je onu čašicu "na eks" potom produljila. "Tatina školska prijateljica je šef bolnice na Bežanijskoj Kosi. Tata već ima potvrdu da sam djelomično neuračunljiva. Vjerojatno je toj debeloj kravi godinama plakao na ramenu "kako nema sreće ali će se do kraja života brinuti za svoju jadnu kćerku koja ne razaznaje stvarnost". Što misliš kako bi sve završilo? Moram preći granicu prije nego njemu uopće bude jasno da sam se zaputila preko granice. Bosa je isto zaključila." Ovaj put je sama posegnula za cigaretama na kauču. Pokušala je uvući dim i nakašljala se. "Otišao je na svadbu i vraća se pijan. Tada je vrijeme za "seansu". Skužiće da me nema. Vjerojatno će misliti da sam zapalila za Šid kod maminih. Dok sazna da nisam, moram prijeći granicu, pasoš imam." Sjetih se onih razgovora o slikama za pasoš. Sve je polako dolazilo na svoje mjesto. Pružila je čašicu prema meni. Pogledah je upitno. Klimnula je glavom. Natočih joj još jednu. Otpila je samo malo. "Ako skuži da idem preko granice zvaće bratića i reći da mu je luda kćerka pobjegla "budući da je ponovno neki kreten samo pogledao i ispričao priču". Priložit će i onu potvrdu. Nadalje zna se. Javiće svim graničnim prijelazima da vrate "neuračunljivu osobu pod skrbništvo", a ja bih se tada ubila. Bambi on je lud. On misli da smo mama i ja njegove robinje. Ako me uhvati ubiće me iz bijesa, a ubiće i tebe i svakoga tko mi pomaže. Zato ako ne želiš reci i ja ću otići." Bio sam već hladan. U meni je bio neki čudni led koji sam prvi put upoznao. Nije mi bilo bitno. Dok je Goga pričala više puta sam se zapitao "da li je to istina". Sada mi nije bilo bitno koliko je istine u tome. Osjećao sam se isto kao kada su Šoba i Guta vezali mačku i htjeli je baciti sa krova višekatnice. Samo da vide "koliko života ima". Mačka nije bila ništa kriva, gledala je svoja mačja posla. Ako je i deset posto od ispričanog bila istina ni Goga nije bila ništa kriva. "Ja ostajem sa tobom. Pozvaćemo taksi ujutro i idem sa tobom do vlaka." Trznula se. "Ne zovi taksi, moj tata zna pola taksista. Izdaje im certifikate za taksimetre. Znaš da ih moraju imati, a Insa to radi. Ako ih počne zvati kada nestanem, a neki od njih kaže da sam na kolodvoru može nešto posumnjati kao da "idem Dejanu" i tražiti da se javi na granice. Treba nešto drugo, da misli da sam još tu negdje u susjedstvu ili da sam uzela autobus za Šid." Nisam razmišljao. Odgovor je bio već jasan. "Nije frka. Odvešću te motorom do glavnog kolodvora. Torba ti stane na prtljažnik, dovoljno je mala." Nešto mi je bilo čudno u onom naglašenom "idem Dejanu". "Goga reci mi nešto iskreno kao sve do sada." Pogledala me. "Što, samo reci." "Da li ideš kod Dejana. Mislim da li ti je on poslao neku lovu za put. Rekla si da ti tata uzima sve od plaće, sada mi je jasno zašto ali nekako si čudno naglasila ono "idem Dejanu". Gledala me u oči, djelovala je jadno ali više začuđeno. "Bambi Bosa mi je dala novac prije dva tjedna. Idem kod Bose. Ona će mi pomoći." Vjerojatno je moj izraz lica bio nešto što bi se nosilo za "Noć vještica" inače ne bi tako brzo reagirala. "Bambi ti i Bosa, bili ste skupa, mislim u krevetu?" Klimnuh glavom. "Nije ti rekla ništa?" Odmahnuh glavom. Šutala je par minuta. Ja sam nasuo još jednu za sebe i jednu za nju. Zapalio sam cigaretu i povukao dubok dim. "Bambi slušaj. Bosa je slučajno pričala sa mnom dva puta. Nekako je brzo raspoznala to o meni, mislim što mi se događa. Poslije smo pričale o tome i o sredini u kojoj živim. Ona sve zna prošla je u ovoj sredini slično na drugi način. Ona je super. Dejan on je govno." Sada je već bilo "malo više od pretjeranog". Glas mi je bio hladan, toliko hladan da sam to i sam osjetio. "Koji ku..$..c si onda pobjegla sa Dejanom kod njega u potkrovlje? Koje protu usluge od tebe Bosa traži, priča se da je lezba. Da li sam ja samo "sredstvo prve pomoći"." Poskočila je. Počela je brzo ovaj put tvrdim šaptom. "Pobjegla sam sa Dejanom da se riješim tate. Pričao mi je bajke, kako je faca i ne plaši se nikoga. Kako budemo zajedno putovali njegovim motorom "odavde do vječnosti". U stvari bilo mu je bitno samo da mu pušim tih petnaest slobodnih minuta, navečer nakon škole, u parku. Kada sam prešla kod njega prvi put me je jebao. Kada je skužio da nisam nevina poludio je od ljubomore. Tukao me i pitao me "tko je bio prvi". Nisam mu mogla reći istinu. Nešto sam izmislila oko ginekoloških problema. Nije pomagalo. Poslije je ispao obična pizda. Kada je tata podivljao nije imao hrabrosti niti da se odupre njegovim napadima bijesa. Kada je milicija došla rekao je "da nije znao da sam maloljetna ali da djelujem luda". Disala je ubrzano. Ponovno je posegnula za cigaretom zapalila je i povukla dubok dim. Kašljala je dvadesetak sekundi. Kada je produljila bilo je to hladnim glasom. "Bosa mi je dala novac za sve što treba oko pasoša "po skraćenom postupku". Dala mi je i više "da se nađe". Rekla je da bude došla po mene kada javim. Međutim postalo je znatno gore u kući. Tata je sve luđi. Sada bi i mene i mamu zajedno. Ne mogu više čekati niti minute. Ostalo mi je dovoljno za kartu do Hamburga. Idem sutra, ne mogu čekati da Bosa dođe. Javit ću joj se kada stignem u Njemačku." Ugasila je cigaretu nekim odsiječnim pokretom. Kada je produljila gledala je u daljinu. "Bambi Bosa nije tražila ništa od mene, samo mi je željela pomoći. Da li je lezbijka ne znam i nije mi bitno. Kako mi je nabacila ti bi to trebao bolje znati." Začuli smo korake niz stube. Goga se trznula. "Bambi molim te reci im što hoćeš samo im nemoj reći što sam ti ispričala. Neka to ostane između nas troje." Znao sam da pod trećom osobom misli na Bosu. Začulo se lagano kucanje, potom su Škot i Strela upali na vrata. Škot je nosio tanjur sa sendvičima u jednoj ruci, a bokal domaćeg soka u drugoj. Strela mu je otvorio vrata. "Hei ekipa." Strela je bio kratak. Škot je pustio tanjur na kauč između nas. "Navali narode, sigurno ste ogladnjeli čekajući me, a mama spremila za mene i Strelu "da ne legnemo gladni". Morao sam im nešto reći i pojasniti sve ali mi je trebalo vremena da smislim dobro obrazloženje, a da ne kažem ništa od onoga što mi Goga rekla. "Škot sada mogu u WC i pustiti vodu?" Gledao me sa osmjehom. "Naravno, možeš i prditi do mile volje, mislit će da smo to nas dvojica. Strela ionako jede što stigne." Nasmijali su se, a ja sam se zaputio uza stube do onog WC- a na ulazu u podrum. Prije izlaska iz sobe sam dobacio. "Čim se vratim sve vam objasnim Goga je iscrpena pa ne pitajte previše." Dobio sam pet minuta da nešto smislim. Vratio sam se sa prihvatljivom pričom. Još dosta rano u životu mi je postalo jasno "ne laži ako nisi prisiljen krajnjom nuždom, ako moraš, reci što više istine a slaži samo onoliko koliko treba". Možda sam samo bio previše "komformist" da bih lagao, nakon laži je trebalo pamtiti što si slagao, ako te netko ponovno pita o toj temi, meni se to nikada nije dalo. Možda je djed koji mi je čitao Bibliju utjerao u mene nešto od božje riječi. Uglavnom važio sam kao netko tko priča uvijek istinu. Ove noći sam to zlorabio pred najboljim prijateljima. Laž je bila polu laž, polu istina ali takve obično prođu. U što kraćem obliku objasnio sam Škotu i Streli da Goga mora za Njemačku budući da je Gogin tata luđak na svoju ruku. Ovo je držalo vodu, svi su znali za Goginu situaciju, kuća – posao – kuća. Dodao sam da smatra da je Goga neuračunljiva i da je želi imati pod skrbništvom odnosno upravljati njenim životom. Nadalje sam im pojasnio da dolazi vjerojatno malo pijan sa neke svadbe i da je vrlo spreman "pucati nekome u glavu ako mu se pokvari plan", a plan je bio neka glupost sa dogovorenim brakom za Gogu ali ne mogu reći sve. Žao mi je ali ih ne želim lagati. Ja moram odraditi posao sa Goginim odlaskom do kraja. Goga je šutala i gledala u svoje cipele dok sam ja tiho pričao, na kraju je samo dodala "da možda i onaj vječno pijani rođak Vasa" bude sa tatom kada je krenu tražiti. Navodno je on "čovjek od povjerenja". Gledali su me malo sumnjičavo. Škot je po običaju hladnokrvno donio odluku. "Đoni ne vjerujem baš puno u ovakvu priču ali ako si ti u njoj ja sam također sa tobom. Nije bitno što je istina, reci što možeš reći. Ti trebaš Gogi, a mi trebamo tebi." Strela je žvakao sendvič i klimnuo glavom polu zatvorenih očiju, uživajući u okusu hrane. Ponovno sam ih pogledao udahnuo i rekao: "Ne želim vas lagati ali situacija je vrlo opasna. Goga mora sutra ujutro biti na vlaku za Njemačku. Gogin tata dolazi sa svadbe pred jutro, što ja znam četiri ili pet sati. Ako skuži da Goga ide "preko grane" blokirat će je preko bratića u miliciji kao neuračunljivu, dok se utvrdi da je normalna može je lako ubiti. Ako, uz sve skuži nekim čudom da idemo na kolodvor i pomažemo joj, toliko je lud da nas onako pijan može pobiti. Vjerojatno i on i onaj rođak imaju pištolje, zna se koji običaji su na nekim svadbama. Drugim riječima tko uđe u ovo reskira dosta." Škot me je pogledao ponovno u oči. "Đoni ja sam u igri radi tebe, jasno mi je da je opasna igra i da pomalo lažeš ali ti si u tome i ja sam u tome." Strela je progutao zalogaj. "Ne seri Đoni. Reci skraćeno "trebam pomoć za nešto zajebano". Mi smo tu." Ponovio sam priču u konstrukciji: Luđak plus pištolj plus svadba plus alkohol plus metak za onoga tko pomogne Gogi. Nisu posebno reagirali. Škot je samo slegao ramenima. "Ako vas dvoje kažete da je lud i da puca, vjerujem ali boli me ku..$..c. Tebi treba pomoć i ja sam tu." Strela je bio kraći. "Oprosti Goga, nikada mi se nije sviđao tvoj stari i ako ga razbijem radi Đonija bude mi gušt." Goga se nasmiješila tužno ali iskreno. To je bilo to. Bili smo u igri. Polako sam ustao i protegao se. "Idem doma po motor i da kažem mojima da sam u diskoteci." Strela je obrisao ruke o traperice. "Idem i ja po svoga bendžolu i da uzmem kokija." Škot je mahnuo. "Samo tiho u povratku, da ne bi izmišljali ponovno laži. Ja ću biti spreman." Okrenuo se prema Gogi. "Kada polazi vlak? Imaš li kartu?" Goga je djelovala zatečeno. "Pet i trideset ujutro. Nisam kupila kartu ali imam lovu. Nisam mogla po kartu." Zvučala je kao da se pravda. Škot je slegao ramenima. "Kartu riješimo prije polaska, zato moramo biti najkasnije u pet na kolodvoru." Klimnuo sam glavom potom mahnuo rukom i zaputio se uz stube. Strela je išao iza mene. Začuo sam Škotov glas iza leđa. "Motore dogurajte da moji nešto ne posumnjaju." Strela je poslao jedno tiho "ok" i bili smo na ulici. Nismo se pozdravljali. Strela me pljesnuo po ramenu i krenuli smo svatko u svom pravcu. Stigao sam doma brzo i pogledao na sat u hodniku. Bilo je oko deset. Sve super još je sve logično. Mojima sam objasnio u dvije riječi da idemo u disko "Kod lude Mađarice" u Inđiji i vraćamo se ujutro. Nisu reagirali. Mama je samo dobacila: "Luđi ste vi što trošite vrijeme kod te kurve umjesto da učite nešto korisno." Marika nije bila kurva, odnosno nije se seksala za novac ali je bila opako zgodna i dobro unovčila svoju bivšu kavanu kada je pretvorila u diskoteku. Meni je ono "kurva" u svezi Marike djelovalo seksi ali mi nije bilo do razmatranja svih aspekata te teme. Imao sam druga posla. Otvorio sam ladicu radnog stola i izvukao kuvertu sa ušteđevinom u markama. U uvjetima inflacije mogao si štedjeti samo na način da dinare čim prije konvertiraš u neku čvrstu devizu. Izvukoh dvije novčanice po 100 DEM i strpah ih u džep. Navukao sam svoju jaknu od trapera i našao jednu staru košulju od trapera te je spremio u ruksak. Otišao sam u garažu i izvukao svoj MZ. Vratio sam se do svoje kutije za alat. Na dnu kutije je ležala olovna cijev koju sam još prošle godine izrezao i prilagodio da "dobro leži u ruci". Od tada je nisam uzimao. Izvukao sam je i polako zatakao na leđa ispod jakne. Može mi jako trebati. Navukao sam kacigu i startao motor. Zadnjih dvijesto metara sam motor gurao. Ušao sam u "naš podrumski privatni prostor". Škot je sjedio na stolici do stola. Receiver je bio uključen i sa neke od radio postaja je dopirao tihi džez. Goga je ležala sklupčana na kauču. Podigla je malo glavu i nasmješila se kada sam ušao. Pored Škota na stolu je bila njegova kaciga, a pored kacige olovna cijev sa improviziranom drškom. I on je došao na istu ideju kao i ja. Čitao je neku knjigu i samo me pogledao i namignuo mi. Otišao sam do ormara i natočio si jednu "Gromovaču". Želio sam razbiti tišinu. "Vani djeluje kao da će kiša." Škot nije skidao pogled sa knjige. "Neće biti prva vožnja po kiši". Goga se pridigla i sjela. "Đoni sjedi do mene molim te." Prišao sam i sjeo na drugi kraj kauča. Malo se približila i stavila mi ruku na rame. Sjedili smo tako bez riječi. Gogi je izgleda samo trebao netko u blizini. Nije ni bilo čudo nakon sve te samoće u kojoj je prolazila pakao. Zapalio sam cigaretu. Pogledao sam na sat bilo je 23 sata. Nismo pričali. Strela je ušao tiho i zatvorio vrata. "Stavio sam motor iza tvog, jaki su oblaci možda malo opiči." Vani se iznenada čula udaljena grmljavina. Strela je nasuo gromovaču u čašu i sjeo na onaj drugi kauč. Nije gledao ni u koga. Kacigu i jaknu od umjetne kože je položio pored sebe. Iznenada je ustao i izvadio metalni bokser iz džepa traperica. Prebacio ga je u džep jakne. Vjerojatno ga je žuljao u hlačama. Uz grmljavinu se čuo samo onaj jazz na radiju. Nakon pola sata je počeo pljusak. Strela se opružio na kauču. Ja sam se naslonio i drijemao, Goga je naslonila glavu na moje rame i drijemala. Škot je polako čitao knjigu. Pogledao sam korice kada je odložio da si naspe piće. Richard Bach "Iluzije". Druga knjiga nakon "Galeb Jonathan Livingston" koju sam otkrio. Pročitao sam je u jednom dahu i prije dva dana proslijedio Škotu. Poželjeh da sam i ja pilot koji starim dvokrilcem luta po američkom srednjem zapadu i "prodaje vožnje od 15 minuta". Ništa nismo pričali. Nakon jazz bloka na radiju su prešli na soul gdje su ubacili i blok Roberte Fleck. Pljusak je prestao i padala je sitna kiša koliko smo čuli kroz prozor. Pred svitanje Strela je ustao i otišao do WC-a. Kada se vratio izvjestio nas je. "Spustila se magla, dosta gusta." Škot se nije dao smesti. Spustio je knjigu i zijevnuo. "Samo moramo krenuti ranije." Pogledao sam na sat bilo je tri ujutro. "Za pola sata." Strela je klimnuo glavom. To je bilo to. Pola sata kasnije kada sam ustao nitko nije pitao ništa. Uzeo sam kacigu i onu olovnu cijev zadjenuo u hlače iza leđa potom sam navukao jaknu. Škot i strijela su slijedili moj primjer. Goga je uzela torbu. Izvadio sam onu staru košulju od trapera iz ruksaka i dobacio je Gogi. "Navuci vani će biti hladno na motoru." Dok je oblačila košulju i savijala rukave zamjetih da joj se ruke tresu. Izašli smo u maglu. Pričvrstili smo Goginu torbu na prtljažnik Strelinog motora. Škot je izgurao svoj elektronik kroz vrata pazeći da bude jako tih. Odgurali smo motore oko dvijesto metara i zajahali. Goga je sijela iza mene i uhvatila me oko struka. Magla je bila gusta. Startali smo i polako krenuli. Dok smo kretali prepoznali smo Fiat 125 Goginog tate kako skreće u ulicu i prolazi pored nas. Goga je zabila glavu u moja leđa. Strela je vodio. Raspalio je po plinu koliko je mogao sa minimalnom vidljivošću. Sa jedne strane mi je bilo jasno da u magli i izmaglici alkohola Gogin tata uopće nije mogao raspoznati Gogu na motoru. Sa druge nikada se ne zna. Taj je zabadao nos gdje god je stigao kada su u pitanju bili mladi. Odahnuo sam kada kroz maglu nisam ugledao svijetla nijednog auta u retrovizoru. Bio sam svjestan da će Gogin nestanak ubrzo biti otkriven. Neka potraga se mogla očekivati, sve ovisi koliko bi mu mogao pasti na pamet Dejan. Napredovali smo sporo kroz maglu. Motore smo parkirali blizu ulaza na kolodvor. Bilo je oko pet sati. Dogovor je bio kratak. Jedan mora ostati na ulazu. Ako bi se kojim slučajem pojavio Gogin tata mora ga zadržati po svaku cijenu. Jedan ide kupiti kartu, a jedan odmah prati Gogu prema vlaku. Na prodaji karata će vidjeti samo dečka koji kupuje kartu, eventualni Gogin opis se ne može povezati sa bilo kojom prodanom kartom do Njemačke. Strela nam je mahnuo rukom. "Ja ostajem na ulazu, ako luđak dođe pravim se pijan i započeću tuču." Mahnuo je glavom prema dvojici milicajaca koji su polako šetali kolodvorom. "Kada ovi dođu i razdvoje nas počeće ono, dajte osobne iskaznice, "tko je drugovi prvi počeo tuču" i tako dalje. To je dosta zadržavanja da vlak krene i sve bude OK." Odmahnuo sam glavom. "Strela to je odličan plan ali i opasan, ako je u "ludom stanju" pucat će čim počneš sa frkom. Idi ja ostajem i napraviću kako si rekao ako kreten dođe." Strela me odgurnuo rukom prema Gogi. "Mislim da je ti trebaš ispratiti. Ne brini se udaram prvi i neću mu dati prigodu da izvlači bilo što." Malo je izvukao bokser iz džepa potom ga vratio. Škot klimnu glavom. Goga je izvadila novac i pružila ga Škotu. Plako smo krenuli, Strela malo bočno od ulaza, Škot prema "Međunarodnom šalteru", Goga i ja prema "redu vožnje" da utvrdimo peron sa kojeg kreće vlak za Minhen tu presijeda dalje za Hamburg. Nosio sam Goginu torbu u ruci. Stajao sam pored vrata vagona "druge klase". Goga je stajala na vratima stiščući kartu u rukama, Škot se džentlmenski malo udaljio i zapalio cigaretu pomno pazeći na okolicu, u stilu "nikada se ne zna od kuda vrag iskoči". Znao sam da ne bi oklijevao da uporabi onu olovnu cijev. Škot je bio dosljedan. Pogledao sam Gogu. "Koliko love ti je ostalo?" "Oko četrdeset maraka, dovoljno." Izvadih one dvije novčanice iz džepa odvojih jednu stoticu maraka i pružih joj. "Uzmi da ti se nađe, može ustrebati." Malo je gledala potom spustila torbu i spustila se na zadnju papučicu vagona. Uzela je novac i zajedno sa kartom ga spremila u džep moje stare traper košulje koju je nosila. Malo se nagnula i zagrlila me. Držala me čvrsto potom mi je dala pusu u usta i vratila se na ulaz vagona. Šutali smo još par minuta i izmicali se putnicima koji su ulazili. Vlak je polako krenuo Goga je mahnula. "Pisat ću ti, javi Bosi ako stigneš da dolazim." Malo sam hodao pored vagona dok je to izgovarala potom sam stao i mahnuo joj. Čekao sam da vlak napusti peron, potom sam mahnuo Škotu i zaputismo se prema izlazu. Tada sam zadnji put vidio Gogu. Vani se magla polako razilazila, zajahali smo motore. Strela je obrisao kacigu od vlage i zaključio. "Razilazi se, mislim da ćemo sada lako naći put doma." Klimnuo sam glavom. "Mislim da smo ga već pronašli." Strela me gledao začuđeno, a Škot sa razumijevanjem. Nismo dalje komentirali startali smo i polako krenuli. Sunce se pomalo probijalo kroz oblake i rijetke slojeve magle. Planirao sam stati negdje na kavu, a potom do pošte i javiti Bosi za Gogu. Pravac Hamburg Planirao sam stati negdje na kavu, a potom do pošte i javiti Bosi za Gogu. Pravac Hamburg Škot nas je probudio oko pet sati. Buđenje mi je bilo stresno. Dugo sam se vraćao u stvarnost. Prošlu noć je puno toga došlo iz prošlosti. Škot je napravio cedevitu u tri čaše i čekao sjedeći na krevetu dok smo mi polako ustajali i umivali se. Bio je već obučen i stvari su mu bile spakirane. Polako smo se spakirali, kavu pijemo na prvoj benzinskoj. Strela je pokucao na vrata susjedne sobe. Otvorila je Olga u pidžami sa oslikanim zečevima. Dobro su joj pristajali zekani, naročito oko grudi. Škot joj je vratio ključ i pozdravio se. Dobacila je samo: "Sretno dečki." Na izlazu smo pozdravili dežurnog na porti. Pogledao nas kako vučemo stvari mahnuo i dobacio: "Sretno do Hamburga." Nema sumnje sinoć su glasine brzo putovale. Pola sata kasnije smo parkirali na benzinskoj na izlazu iz Zagreba. Pored benzinske je bio kafić. Nakon tankanja smo se prebacili u kafić na "prvu kavu". Ušao sam prvi. Za šankom su stajala dva milkana pili kavu i pričali sa sisatom konobaricom. Očigledno se "noćna patrola" odmarala. Škot je uljudno dobacio "tri kave i tri lisnata trokuta". Konobarica nas je pogledala mrzovoljno. Polako je posegnula štipaljkom za za kolače ispod staklenog zvona i na tri tanjurića nabacila tri lisnata tijesta sa sirom. Kave je uradila iz automata. Ipak je bila ok na pladanj je dodala i tri čaše vode bez da smo je pitali za to. Položila je sve na gomilu na stolu ne pazeći da nam podijeli. Oni milkani su nas promatrali. Valjda nismo nešto pokvarili pomislih. Samo nam je potreban šou sa nezadovoljnom milicijom. Nisu reagirali kada se konobarica vratila za šank, tihi razgovor je potekao dalje. Uskoro su se milkani uz smijeh pozdravili od para velikih sisa i krenuli prema izlazu. Onaj jedan je odmjerio naše kacige na stolici potom kroz staklo kafića motore parkirane vani. Vjerojatno ga je malo zbunila naša meka ekavica u šest ujutro. Okrenuo se prema nama. "Dečki, su ono vaši motori?" "Da." Odgovorio sam preko zalogaja. Motori su bili parkirani unazad registracija se lijepo vidjela. Milkan je bio radoznao. "Putujete nekamo?" "Hamburg. " Odgovorio je Škot spuštajuci šalicu od kave. Milkan je djelovao malo čudno. "Sa ovim od Zemuna do Hamburga? Svaka čast. Za to treba imati muda." Nasmiješio nam se odmahnuo glavom i mahnuo pri izlasku. "Sretno, trebat će vam dosta sreće." Pogledali smo se između sebe. Tišina je trajala par sekundi, prekinuo je Škot. "Ništa novo svima je poznato da smo luđaci." Nasmijali smo se od srca. Ona konobarica nas je promatrala radoznalo i rezala kifle i parizer u "radničke jutarnje sendviče", na svaku kiflu bi nabacila sloj margarina. Dok je to radila pazila je da sise "ne umoči" u sendviče. Polako smo ustali. Škot je prišao šanku i pitao za platiti onim svoji uljudnim glasom. Konobarica je izbacila cifru bez razmišljanja. Škot je stavio traženi iznos na šank preturajući po džepovima, da isprazni sitno. Okrenuli smo se ka vratima. "Čekajte malo." Pogledali smo je. Otvorila je tri već gotove kifle- sendviča i pojačala sadržaj sa parizerom. Na gornju stranu peciva je namazala malo senfa. Umotala je to u "masni papir" i pružila preko šanka. "Trebat će vam snage na tako dugom putu." Škot je pogledao onim svojim pogled osmijehom. "Hvala stvarno ste srce." Pocrvenila je malo i zabola glavu u posao sa sendvičima i dalje pazeći na sise. "Sretno dečki." Okrenuli smo se i polako izašli. Dok smo stavljali kacige Strela je zaključio. "Izgleda da se iza tih velikih sisa krije i veliko srce." Klimnuo sam glavom i startao. Bio je ugodan osjećaj da te netko iznenadi sa malo ljudske topline inače nisam podnosio miks margarin parizer. Četrnaest sati kasnije i petsto kilometara dalje smo se posvađali. Hotel Kalifornija Nakon Salzburga smo dobro "prašili" auto cestom. Iznenada nam se učinilo oko pet sati poslije podne da nam "super ide". Odlučili smo malo skrenuti prema Penzberg-u i po Škotovom nagovoru pogledati neki dvorac i mala jezera, a ovo se uklapalo u alternativni pravac. Nije bilo bitno ako malo kasnije dođemo u okolicu Minhena. Plan je ionako bio pred jutro doći na jezero kod Starnberga u okolici Minhena. Do tada biti na cesti i nekoj benzinskoj. Kako je Marko savjetovao mogli smo tada leći na neku od super uređenih plaža u hladu. Umotati se u vreće i odspavati do podne. Policija te nije dirala na plaži negdje od šest ujutro. Sve je ispalo usrano. Sat kasnije smo se izgubili u nekim šumama i na planinskom putu. Vozili smo skoro sat i nije bilo znaka neke civilizacije. Polako se već spuštala noć. Benzin nam je bio skoro na kraju. Škot je gledao kartu i pokušavao se sjetiti zadnjeg putokaza koji smo prošli. Markova karta Njemačke je bila vrlo detaljna. Nije bilo ni čudo, kada je "pukao na poslu" jedno vrijeme je putovao stopom po Evropi. Tu je naučio posao "besplatnog smještaja" i najjeftinije prehrane. Strela je živčano udarao prstima po svojoj kacigi koju je držao u ruci. Par minuta prije je upravo objasnio što misli o ideji "da se skrene u razgledanje", a koju smo Škot i ja inicirali. Mišljene je iskazalo par ozbiljnih seksualnih zahvata nad "kretenima" i uz to primjenu sadističkih seksualnih igrački. Bio je siguran da nas obećani zahvati neće niti malo usrećiti. Meni nije bilo niti malo pravo potenciranje krivice pa sam se istresao na Strelu. Strela mi je vratio istom mjerom i pri tome uključio i Škota u popis osoba koje treba "nabiti na ku..$..c i bičevati dok ne svrše". Škot je smirio situaciju. Meni je objasnio "da sam šizofrenični kreten", a Streli da je "peder kad ima toliku želju da nas nabije" ali je zaključio "da mu je prijatelj pa će mu i popušiti samo da se smiri". Umor je bio jedini razlog zašto svađa nije produljila. Nakon kratke pauze smo pokušavali locirati gdje smo. Navigacija je u to doba bila samo znanstvena fantastika. Škot je na kraju slegao ramenima. "Nemamo što izgubiti idemo ravno ovom cesto pa gdje stignemo." Dnevna svijetlost je skoro nestala. Zajahali smo i krenuli. Prije nego je navukao kacigu Strela mi je uputio jedan smrknuti pogled. Petnaest minuta kasnije je svijetlo Škotovog motora osvijetlilo natpis "Motel Zeppelin 500 m". Ispod natpisa je bila slika čuvenog zračnog broda. Natpis je bio izblijedio i oštećen. Ipak je bio točan. Pet minuta i koji zavoj kasnije smo ugledali mali minimalno osvijetljeni parking i vrlo skromno skoro fluorescentno svijetlo neonske reklame "Motel Zepp" preostala slova nisu davala svijetlost. Na parkingu je bilo samo dva tamnija auta. Jedna VW buba 1200 kojoj po mraku i slabom svijetlu nije bilo moguće točno odrediti boju, nešto između tamno ljubičaste i tamno crvene. Uz bubu je bio parkiran mat crni mercedes. Svijetlost koja je dopirala kroz staklena vrata je bila vrlo slaba. Parkirali smo skoro na samom ulazu. Pogledah na sat. Bilo je već deset sati navečer. Polako se zaputismo u motel. Unutrašnjost je bila minimalno osvijetljena. Iza pulta je sjedio mladi lik plave kose i uskog lica. Plava kosa je bila očigledno namazana nekim uljem, čudno se presijavala u onoj oskudnoj svjetlosti. Ten mu je vapio za nekim suncem, a usne su imale čudnu boju. Nije se uopće uzbuđivao radi našeg ulaska. Promatrao nas je nekim čudnim pogledom dok smo sva trojica prilazili pultu. Budući da sam jedini u grupi govorio Njemački nastup prema noćnom službeniku motela je bio moj. Pročistio sam grlo i upitao za slobodnu sobu i cijenu. Nije ništa pitao, pogledao nas je svu trojicu i rekao mekanim ugodnim glasom. "Apartman za tri osobe ... pedeset maraka." Promatrao nas je i dalje. Nešto mi nije baš pasalo u tom pogledu. Okrenuh se prema dečkima. "Cijena mi se čini više nego ok za Njemačku, toliko dobra da je čudno." "Ne seri Đoni." Strela je bio na rubu sloma. Nije jeo ništa još od nekih kobasica na cesti u Austriji, "negdje oko podne", bio je uz to jako umoran od duge vožnje. Škot je slegao ramenima u stilu "pa što". Zamjetih da je i njemu kazaljka "na minimumu" imao je teških pola sata dok je smirivao mene i Strelu, iz nekog razloga samo ja nisam bio na rubu sloma. Klimnuh glavom recepcionaru ili što već je bio i objasnih da moramo uzeti stvari sa motora. Nasmješio se zainteresirano nas promatrajući. "Nema problema." Dok smo skidali stvari sa motora prenio sam ostalima da mi je čudno kako je odmah ponudio apartman za tri osobe, a da nije niti pitao što želimo kao da mi je čitao misli o trokrevetnoj sobi. Škot je slegao ramenima, a Strela je bio bijesan i konkretan. "Zato što je odmah vidio da smo šupci bez neke love pa nam je ponudio najjeftiniju opciju." Ponovno smo vezali motore onim tankim lancem, počela se spuštati večernja izmaglica i sve je dobilo neki mistični izgled. Zaputili smo se ka recepciji. Recepcionar mi je odmah pružio ključ i nasmiješio mi se. "Kolega će vas odmah odvesti do sobe." Pogledah ga zbunjeno uzimajući ključ. "Trebate naše pasoše možda?" Gledao me onim čudnim pogledom koji nisam mogao definirati. "Planirate otići tijekom noći?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Ne zalutali smo malo, čekamo dan i vašu pomoć da krenemo dalje." On uzvrati osmijehom. "Onda nije potrebno, a prenoćište možete računati kao besplatno, ako nemate za platiti." Lik koji je došao iz hodnika pored pulta recepcije je bio skoro pa kopija prvog samo je imao malo tamniju kosu i veći nos. Kosa mu je isto bila zalizana, a ten čudan kao i boja usana. Hodao je elastičnim laganim koracima i smiješio se zadovoljno dok nas je gledao. Pokazao je rukom uz stube i pošao ispred nas. Popeli smo se na gornji kat. Novi red stuba je vodio u sobe u potkrovlju. Još dok smo uzimali stvari sa motora zamijetio sam da zgrada ima samo jedan kat ali i nekoliko prozora u potkrovlju. Uža i malo dulja gradnja. Bila je to jedna od onih tipičnih njemačkih građevina između dva rata. Lik ispred nas je skrenuo prema kraju hodnika. Na jednoj strani su bila vrata od soba. Onih par prozora na drugom zidu je gledalo na šumu. Svijetlost u hodniku je bila slaba. Lik je otvorio jedna vrata puštajući ključ u bravi, a potom se okrenuo ka vratima na kraju hodnika i mahnuo rukom. "Kupaona i WC su zajednički iza onih vrata." Ljubazno se nasmiješio ali je u pogledu bilo nešto kao da nas odmjerava. "Pitaj ga da li se može dobiti nešto za jelo?" Strela je bio više nego gladan i nije odustajao od namjere da pojede dobru večeru. Preveo sam pitanje. Odmahnuo je glavom. "Žao mi je ne služimo hranu." Zaputio se ka stubama ne okrečući se. Kada smo upalili svjetlo i ušli u sobu dočekalo nas je iznenađenje. Soba je imala starinski bračni ležaj i jedan odvojeni. Ležaji su bili drveni od puunog drveta i očigledno ručno ponovno ofarbani. U kutu je bio umivaonik sa komadom sapuna na rubu. Stolica i stari ormar su također bili ručno obojeni. Jedino je sag na podu bio puniji i djelovao je kvalitetno. Soba je djelovala krajnje čisto. "Tvoj odgovor za čudnu cijenu i na tvoj sumnjičavi pogled kada nam je lik rekao da može i besplatno." Škot je rukom pokazao po sobi. "Zajednička kupaona i WC plus ovo prastaro pokućstvo, to se može iznajmiti samo nekome u nuždi ili teškim romantičarima koji žele osjetiti dah prošlosti." Škot je ubacio torbe u ormar ali je prije zatvaranja vrata iz torbe sa "zalihama za nuždu" izvukao dvije paštete i prepečenac. Jednu paštetu i paketić prepečenca je dobacio Streli, koji je smrknutog pogleda sjedio na onom izdvojenom krevetu promatrajući kut raja u kojem smo se našli. Čim smo ušli odabrao je onaj izdvojeni krevet sa dodatnom željom da naglasi kako je ljut na nas. Drugu paštetu je otvorio i položio pored sebe na rub bračnog ležaja. Otvorio je svoj preklopni nož i polako počeo mazati paštetu na prepečenac. Mahnuo mi je rukom. "Dođi nas dva ćemo podijeliti ovu jednu." Škot je po običaju mislio na sve. Strela je ljut i gladan, dobio je veći dio zalihe, ovo bi mu trbalo popraviti raspoloženje. Ali očigledno nije, ljutito je otvorio paštetu i prstom je namazao na prepečenac, potom ga progutao u dva zalogaja i posegnuo za drugim prepečencem iz paketa. Sjeo sam na rub kreveta i prihvatio prepečenac sa paštetom koji mi je Škot pružao. Nagon dva zalogaja pogledah Škota, on mi je uvijek bio uporište u "razumnom pristupu". "Škot meni je ovdje ipak nešto čudno. Oni likovi ..." Prekinuo me je mahanjem ruke. "Daj Đoni, svima je poznato da pišeš znanstvenu fantastiku, obuzdaj malo tu maštu i pusti me da se odmaram. Ona vaša svađa me u totalu iscrpila uz ono sunce po kojem smo cijeli dan vozili." Strela je već završio sa jelom. Skinuo je čizme i bacio ih ispod kreveta. Potom je skinuo i jaknu i gurnuo je ispod jastuka. Otišao je do lavandina i umio se. Iskoristio je jedini ručnik koji je visio tamo da se obriše. Pogledao je u mene. "Đoni pun mi ku..$..c svega večeras, ne želim čuti više ništa od vas dvojice, a pogotovu ne tvoje fantazije." Otišao je do kreveta legao okrećući se zidu i navukao pokrivač preko sebe. Pogledah Škota. Slegnuo je ramenima u stilu "rekao sam ti da šutiš". Polako i krajnje umorno je žvakao zadnji komadić prepečenca i paštete. Pogledao me upitno. "Hoćeš se ti prvi umiti? Niti meni se ne da ići pod tuš jedva gledam." Odmahnuh glavom. Škot je ljubazno slegao ramenima i otišao do umivaonika skidajući košulju. Nakon brzog pranja je uporabio isti ručnik kao i Strela. Polako je legao i dobacio. "Ne prelazi na moju stranu kreveta, ja jesam peder ali nisi moj tip. Noćka." Uzeo sam svoj ručnik iz torbe i skinuo košulju. Hladna voda me malo smirila. Nije mi se išlo do kupaone. Nije mi se puno niti gasilo svijetlo. Na sreću i Škot je već spavao. Ponovno sam otvorio torbu i uzeo jeftinu plastičnu pljosku. Svatko je spremio po jednu sa "Gromovačom" u prtljagu. Otpio sam gutljaj i zapalio cigaretu. Gledao sam po sobi tražeći pepeljaru. Bila je na stolici. Uzeo sam pepeljaru i sjeo na stolicu. Otpio sam još jedan gutljaj. Nije mi bilo jasno kako su nas oni likovi gledali. Nešto je bilo u tom pogledu što mi je izgledalo poznato ali trenutačno nedokučivo. Ugasio sam cigaretu i otpio još jedan mali gutljaj. Odlučih da pogledam niza stube u pravcu recepcije i još jedan put promotrim onog lika na recepciji, valjda me neće vidjeti. Polako sam otključao vrata gaseći svijetlo. U hodniku je bilo mračno, samo je slaba svijetlost dopirala kroz onih par prozora. Sjetih se da postoji prekidač pored ulaznih vrata u sobu. Odlučih ga ne koristiti. Nisam nikome želio najavljivati da ga idem pogledati. Polako sam krenuo niz hodnik. Parket je vraški cvilio očigledno je bio star. Polako sam prišao stubama i tiho se spustio prvih par. Stube su bile dvodijelne. Prvi red se spuštao do male platforme drugi je od platforme vodio ka recepciji. Cijela konstrukcija je bila u obliku slova L, platforma se nije mogla vidjeti sa recepcije priječio je to zid. Iza ruba zida dopirala je slaba svijetlost. Odlučih se spustiti do ruba zida i proviriti prema recepciji. Išlo je dobro betonske stube je prekrivao topli pod i ništa se nije čulo. Polako malo provirih iza zida. Lik nije bio sam, točnije oba lika su bila na recepciji, a pored njih je stajala žena u crnoj kožnoj minici, sivoj svilenoj košulji dugih rukava i čizmama preko koljena na višu petu. Onaj lik što nas je vodio do sobe je tiho govorio nešto pokazujući rukom krivinu, drugi za recepcijom se smiješio. Žena je bila bezizražajna, samo ih je promatrala, a koliko je slaba svijetlost dopuštala vidio sam da joj je lice prekriveno vrlo jakim slojem šminke. Valjda sam malo više izvirio lik za recepcijom me je i u onoj polutami snimio. "Trebate nešto?" Sada su svo troje gledali u mene. Za trenutak sam želio otrčati u sobu ali mi je mozak proradio da bi tek to bila glupost. Ubacih ruke u džepove traperica da se ne zamijeti da mi pomalo drhte i polako se uputih niz stube. Prsti desne ruke su mi lagano dodirivali nož "skakavac" koji sam kupio na nekoj benzinskoj čim smo prešli granicu Njemačke. Dok sam silazio ona žena me brzo odmjerila potom se okrenula prema ulazu promatrajući nešto nedokučivo vani. Ideja mi legla kada sam sišao sa zadnje stube i zastao. "Oprostite imate li nešto alkoholno za piće, rado bih naručio nešto." Recepcionar slegnu ramenima. "Žao mi je ne služimo niti piće izuzev na zabavama koje organiziramo." Pogledao je upitno onog drugog, koji je klimnuo glavom, i dodao. "Ali možemo vam dati jednu bocu dobrog crvenog vina, besplatno." Lik koji nas je vodio u sobu je nestao niz hodnik, žena je krenula za njim. Dok je prolazila pored mene osjetih jak miris kvalitetnog parfema. Ipak hodala je malo čudno, kao da se trudi djelovati što prirodnije. Lik iza pulta me pogledao onim svojim pogledom. "Kako vam se sviđa soba?" "Ma u redu je za umorne putnike." Trudio sam se da mi glas zvuči mirno. Gledao sam u sliku iznad recepcije. Prikazivala je ulaz u sličnu kuću ali je na drvenoj ploči iznad vrata bilo napisano "Zeppelin". Lik se nasmiješi. "Tako je motel izgledao prije drugog rata, zgrada je srušena kada je jedan američki bombarder, koji je zaostao iza grupe, slučajno istresao tovar bombi ovdje misleći da ih se riješi prije povratka doma. Mislili su vjerojatno da su sve istresli u šumu ali uništili su motel. Ovo sada nije baš originalan izgled bez obzira koliko se mi trudili vratiti mu stari sjaj. Drugi lik se vratio sa manjom bocom nekog crvenog vina u ruci. Pružio mi uz osmjeh. Onaj prvi je dodao uz osmjeh. "Možda se odlučite ostati ovdje, priroda je lijepa." Zahvalih se i polako krenuh uza stube. Gledali su za mnom. "Imate prekidač na vrhu stuba." Dobacio je recepcionar. Popeo sam se uza stube i uključio svijetlo. Dok sam išao prema sobi i meni se upalila žaruljica. Gledali su me kao što Strela gleda toplu pizzu nakon cijelog dana vožnje. Zaključao sam vrata i pustio ključ u bravi. Upalio sam svijetlo ali ona dvojica su spavala snom pravednika. Polako priđoh krevetu i prodrmah Škota. Bunovno je otvorio oči. "Škot moramo pričati ovdje je užas." Brzo se podigao na lakat. "Što je bilo, ukrali nam motore?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Ne Škot ali sišao sam malo dolje i skužio sam za one tipove dolje i cijelu konstrukciju možda. Znaš li gdje smo?" Govorio sam tiho pazeći da ne probudim Strelu koji bi počeo sa svađom i tako uzbunio pola hotela i ona čudna stvorenja. "Nalazimo se u motelu koji je uništen tijekom drugog svijetskog rata, a dolje je još i jedna jako čudna žena, zamjetili su me i zvukao sam se pitajući za piće. Dali su mi bocu vina besplatno, zamisli ne služe niti hranu niti piće i daju ti bocu vina besplatnog. Nadalje imam dojam da me ona dvojica gledaju kao da bi me rado konzumirali." Sve sam izbacio u jednom dahu. Pogledao me sanjivo ali žalosno i cinično. "Ja sam u krevetu, sa luđakom u sobi koji zabada nos gdje mu nije mjesto. Ok, likovi možda i budu malo čudni, možda ovdje dilaju prah ili rade slično. Dok ne misle da smo opasnost neće nam nitko ništa, a ti ćeš svojim zabadanjem nosa prouzročiti opasnost." Više skoro nije niti šaputao, ustao je otišao do prozora i pogledao vani. Zjevnuo je i vratio se u krevet. Pogledao me je. "Molim te ne lutaj po hotelu da ne vidiš nešto što ne bi trebao, iako je to tri postotka šanse. Idi do wc-a i vraćaj se u sobu to je jedina relacija koja ti je dopuštena. Ako ne možeš spavati drkaj ali ne tresi krevet. Sada ugasi svijetlo." Okrenuo se i pokrio po glavi. Ostao sam ljut i našpanan. Ugasio sam svijetlo i legao na krevet. Prije toga sam uzeo pepeljaru i pljosku sa Gromovačom, bocu vina sam pustio na stolici. Legao sam i zapalio. Otpio sam gutljaj potom izvadio onaj skakavac i stavio ga nadohvat ruke. Očigledno me je čekala duga noć kada sam imao dva razmažena luđaka kao društvo. Učinilo mi se da na hodniku čujem neke tihe šumove i uzdah ili jecaj, možda je to dopiralo i iz neke od soba prigušeno zidovima. Trudio sam se da ne mislim na sve što sam pročitao o sličnim situacijama. Ipak izvadih onaj lančić što mi je Bosa davno poklonila kao amajliju. Protrljao sam prstima malo pentagram. Iz hotela se nije čulo ništa. Izvana sam začuo zvuk sove. Popio sam još jedan gutljaj. U misli su mi dolazile riječi pjesme Eaglesa "Hotel Kalifornija". Umor na cesti, hotel u sumraku, čudni likovi u hotelu........ "Diži se fantazijo osam sati je ujutro." Škot me je protresao bez milosti. Zaspao sam tek sa prvim svitanjem i djelovalo mi je da nisam odspavao niti minute. Po dnevnom svijetlu soba je djelovala još jadnije. Umio sam se. Polako smo silazili stubama. Dnevna svijetlost je djelovala lijepo. Recepcija je još bila u polutami. Za pultom je bila ona čudna žena od sinoć. Djelovalo mi je da je onaj sloj šminke još jači, sada je bila u uzanoj majici dugih rukava koja je isticala njene grudi i dugoj suknji. Dalje nisam vidio. Gledala nas je pomalo sanjivo nekim praznim pogledom. Spustio sam stvari i izvadio novčanik. Mahnula je rukom spuštajući pogled na neku knjigu. "Ne treba, sretan put." Glas joj je bio malo čudan kao da se trudi da govori normalno. Pokupili smo stvari i izašli u svijetlo dana. Stavljali smo stvari na motore. Motel je izvana izgledao dosta zapušteno, ona unutrašnjost je bila premija prema vanjštini. Dok sam zatezao torbu zastao sam i pogledao Škota. "Nije ti ništa čudno, ne naplate nam prenoćište, a ona cura je skroz u kurcu." Škot je slegnuo ramenima. "Možda si je pukla jednu dozu praha previše ili se jebavala cijelu noć pa sada jedva sjedi na pički, što ja znam, ima migrenu od dnevnog svijetla." Zajahao sam motor i pogledao Strelu. Strela nije izdržao. "Sada će doći ona dva lika sa strojnicama i pobiti nas poslije će prodati naše organe da dobro zarade od našeg prenoćišta. Samo nisu željeli prljati motel iznutra zato su čekali jutro. Na žalost za tvoj ku..$..c neće dobiti niti pare, tako mali se ne prodaju nego dijele kao privjesak za uspomenu. Ipak ta cura ima dobre sise i malo bih je prasnuo da se probudi." Nabio je kacigu na glavu i startao motor. Iz nekog razloga čekali su da ja krenem prvi. Izašli smo na uzanu planinsku cestu, petnaest minuta kasnije ušli smo u malo uredno Njemačko selo. Na izlazu iz sela je bila benzinska dotankali smo do vrha . Nije postojao kafić pored benzinske ali su prodavali sendviče i kavu iz automata. Strela je uzeo sendviče za sve nas, a škot je pažljivo iznosio tri plastične čaše pojačane kave. Platio sam račun. Cura za blagajnom je bila tipična Njemica za Berlin Oktoberfest. Krupna sa velikim grudima i dugom plavom kosom. Dok sam uzimao sitniš komentirala je "da ne valja tako jake kave piti u tako velikim količinama ujutro, ono pojačana je za nakon ručka da se može dalje normalno raditi". Već nas je bila odmjeravala kada smo ušli pa iskoristih priliku. "U motelu gore ne služe ništa, pa su nam ovo prve jutarnje kave, za mene je to ljepota, kao i vaša kosa." Istina više sam gledao u njene grudi dok sam govorio o kosi. Možda mi da malo svoga mlijeka za kavu, a sudeći po obujmu bilo ga je dosta. Trgla se malo. "Kojem motelu?" "Zeppelin par kilometara prije sela." Samo me je pogledala i pognula glavu prema blagajni koju je zatvarala. Bilo kakve zainteresiranosti je nestalo. "Doviđenja." Zbunjen izašao sam na mali parking pored benziske i sjeo na zidić pored motora. Sendvič i kava su me čekali na zidiću. Otpih prvo gutljaj kave, a potom sam otvorio sendvič i zagrizao. Nisam želio davati povoda Streli da počne ponovno pa sam šutao i žvakao. Iznenada se na parkingu zaustavio stari mercedes. Iz zvučnika mečke su treštali jugo narodnjaci. Mali debeli lik je otvorio vrata i zaputio se prema benzinskoj, a potom zastao. Nosio je traperice i traper košulju zavrnutih rukava. Crna kosa je bila počešljana "na sve strane", ocjenih da ima oko četrdeset godina. Pogledao je ponovno naše registracije i nasmiješio se dok nam je prilazio. "Hej zemljaci otkud vi u ovim planinčinama. Ja ti bolan od jutros mislim kako bi bilo lijepo da popijem kafu sa nekim svojim." Prišao je široko se smiješeći. "Ja sam Ibrahim iz Doboja, ovdje vodim neku građevinsku grupu sve neki grci, turci i pokoji talijan niđe nikoga našeg da se ljudski ispričamo. Jeste za jednu kafu tu dolje niz ulicu ima jedan kafić ja častim. Sjetih se kafića – pizzerije pored koje smo prošli. Možda lik naruči i pizze, neki naši ovdje vani su se trudili da se "pokažu" kako im dobro ide. Pozdravili smo ga i predstavili se. Gledao nas je sa osmjehom i svakome srdačno stisnuo ruku. "Ja krenuo samo kupiti neki strip na benzinskoj, danas imam slobodan dan. Otkud vi tako rano u ovoj vukojebini sigurno ste na tim motorićima krenuli još u pet jutros?" Bio je radoznao i želio je biti ljubazan. Pogledah ga uz smiješak. Škot i Strela su još žvakali. "Krenuli smo prije pola sata, spavali smo gore u motelu." Namrštio se. "Kojem motelu Zeppelin?" Klimnuh glavom. "Ljubazni dečki tamo, nisu nam niti naplatili." Namrštio se zbunjeno pogledao nas brzo i počeo se okrertati od nas. "Žao mi raja žurim, sada sam se sjetio da nisam odnio šefu neki račun, aj pa zdravo." Krenuo je prema benzinskoj. Meni su živci pukli. Spustio sam sendvič na zid i pošao za njim. "Stani Ibrahime." Polako se okrenuo gledajući me zbunjeno. Prišao sam mu. "Meni su motel i likovi u motelu djelovali čudno ali su bili neprirodno ljubazni. Ti znaš nešto o tom motelu, sada mi reci što je sa tim motelom." Škot i Strela su prišli radoznalo gledajući u Ibrahima. Ibrahim je vrtio privjesak sa ključem mercedesa oko prsta. "Šta vi kao ne znate što je čudno, ovo je Njemačka ništa nije čudno." Bio sam na rubu živaca. "Ne znamo i sada nam reci zašto odjednom bježiš od nas kao da smo šugavi, a samo smo putnici u prolazu." Pogledao me sumnjičavo. "Dobro, kad već hoćeš da ti kažem, to ti je pederaških motel samo ti pederi koji se kriju i oni trnasvestiti sa svojim plaćenim ženskim kurvama idu tamo. Niste obučeni u žene pa niste transvestiti e pa možete biti samo ... nemam ja ništa protiv ali ...." Pogledali smo se između sebe. Škot se počešao po glavi. Strela je imao totalno zbunjen izraz lica, pogledao je u mene pa u Ibrahima. "Đoni je rekao da nas ona dva čudno gledaju, ali nisu nam htjeli niti naplatiti iako nismo pederi." Djelovao je krajnje zbunjeno i iskreno. Ibrahim se počeo opuštati i malo se nasmiješio. "Nisam vas želio vrijeđati ali to bolan svi u krugu od tristo kilometara znaju. Oni pederi što se prave da to nisu pobjegnu sa ljubavnikom od žena na dan dva ovdije i malo se provedu. Oni transvestiti što se vole oblačiti ko pičoke, a vole i žene isto kriju to pred ženama uzmu neku kurvu i plate joj na dan dva da iđe sa njima pa dođu u Zeppelin. Motel ti vode dva pedera i jedan transvestit. Ništa ne ulažu posebno u uređenje samo jamče diskreciju i kod doručka ručka večere je svatko kako hoće obučen. Iđe im dobro. Čudo da niste vidjeli da ona dvojica nose onu diskretnu "mušku" pedersku šminku." Pogledah u Strelu ogorčeno. "Ti bi prasnuo "onu" na recepciji ha.." Strela je pokunjeno slegao ramenima u stilu "što ja znam". Škot je mudro šutio. Ibrahim se očigledno zabavljao uz smiješak. Pogledao je Strelu. "Ne bi ti ništa sa "njoom" taj ti voli samo žene i to po dvije ali što ja znam, tako, voli se oblačiti ko žena. Jedan put smo im uređivali vodu pa mi kuharica sve ispričala. Ona dvojica bi vas rado "potrošila" čim su vam dali besplatno prenoćište. Nadaju se ako ste i ovo i ono možda navratite ponovno pa vam onda "naplate". Pljesnuo me po ramenu. "Oprosti ako sam lajao bez mozga, ajde idemo svi na kavu, počekajte da uzmem stripove pa idemo." Zaputio se ka benzinskoj. Petnaest minuta kasnije smo sjedili u kafiću sa Ibrahimom. Položio je dva stripa "Zagor" na stol, objasnio je da ih naruče sa centralnog kolodvora u Minhenu za njega. Kao što sam i očekivao naručio je i dvije velike pizze narezane u trokute iz "prostora do". Ispričao je kako je po pričama doznao da je motel Zeppelin bio čuveni "pedrski motel" nakon prvog svijetskog rata pa sve do uspona Hitlera. Bio je na osami i idealan za diskreciju. Hitler je u svom progonu homoseksualaca i motel zatvorio. Kasnije se tu smjestila neka sirotinja. Tijekom rata ga je pogodila jedna bomba i malo oštetila. Kasnije tijekom "Njemačkog gospodarskog čuda" neki su se dosijetili da je standard toliko porastao da će se naći dosta željnih "diskrecije". Tu ti dolaze pederi, transvestiti sa plaćenim ljubavnicama uglavnom svi oni koji to kriju od žena i na poslu. Tako neki uspješni menadžeri imaju ženu i dijete, a po Zeppelinu slave sa pravim ljubavnikom. Sat i pol kasnije Ibrahim nas je otpratio do prečaca za Minhen. Vozio je svojim Mercedesom ispred nas do male ceste potom parkirao sa strane, stisnuo je ruku svakome i klimnuo glavom pružajući mi komadić papira i nasmješio se. "Ako se vraćate ovuda ovo je broj kod gazdarice samo recite Ibro. Daj bolan javite se slobodno možete i kod mene u garsonjeri odspavati ne morate sa onim pederašima." Chopper za četiri osobe Dok smo kretali niz uzanu ali dobro uređenu cestu mahao nam je rukom. Cesta je bila tipični primjer njemačke pedanterije, dobro održavana i sa blagim dugim zavojima, pravi užitak za vožnju. Dan je bio lijep, a stara borova i hrastova stabla su se izmjenjivala uz cestu. Počelo mi je sve sličiti na legendu o Nibelunzima, pogotovu nakon prolaska kroz dva besprijekorno uređena sela. Ubrzo smo prošli Bad Tolz potom Penzberg i izbili na cestu za Minhen. Grad smo obišli nastojeći naknaditi vrijeme i preći čim više. Hvatali smo pravac Stuttgart – Karslsruhe -Frankfurt. Hvatali smo pravac Stuttgart – Karslsruhe -Frankfurt. Škot je hladnokrvno pio svoju pivu slušajući bubnjanje kiše po nadstrešnici na parkingu benzinske. Strela je motao cigaretu bez suvišnih poteza. Meni nije bilo do priče. Čekali smo već pola sata na prestanak ove dosadne kiše ali "onaj gore" je imao drugi plan. Paleći cigaretu sjetih se što mi je djed znao reći "Ako želiš nasmijati boga reci svoj plan za danas". Bilo je nečega u tome, prvo nas je zadržala prometna nesreća na cesti, a potom mini oluja. Na sreću već smo tankali benzu na ovoj super uređenoj i čistoj benzinskoj. Motore smo pustili na parkingu, a mi otrčali tih par koraka do kamenih stolova i klupa ispod nadstrešnice. Izgledalo je kao jedan od onih lakih brzih pljuskova tipičnih za ljeto ali ovdje na sjeveru to je izgleda funkcioniralo malo drugačije. Nakon mini oluje sa vjetrom i pljuskom uslijedila je dosadna jaka kiša jednoličnog zvuka. Strela je skoknuo do benzinske i vratio se sa vrećicom. Izvadio je i polako posložio na stol tri velike limenke piva, kruh u najlon pakiranju, neki sir u foliji i jedan od onih njemačkih wurst – eva, a koji bi mi okarakterizirali kao "parizer". Škot je samo konstatirao: "Ovdje i kruh nosi najlonke". Potom se bacio na rezanje hrane nožem koji je upravo kupio na benzinskoj. Bio je to tip noža koji smo zvali "žabica". Oštrica bi na pritisak tipke iskočila iz drške, a na drugi pritisak se uredno vratila na mjesto. Škot je par puta isprobao mehanizam prije nego se bacio na rezanje. Minutu kasnije svi smo žvakali bez namjere da puno pričamo, od one pizze sa Ibrahimom nismo ništa jeli. Sada kada su od hrane samo ostale mrvice od "kruha u najlonkama" na stolu, utonuli smo u svoje misli. Strela je zapalio cigaretu imitacijom Zippa koju je kupio na prethodnoj benzinskoj. Polako je ispustio dim. "Nalazimo se negdje oko Heidelberg-a ako se ne varam?" Klimnuh glavom bez puno volje za raspravu. Moja loša volja nije zbunila Strelu. "Već ide noćka, možda potražimo negdje mjesto za šator, neki kamp mislim. Postavimo šator i odmorimo do jutra ionako nije važno kada idemo dalje." Škot je klimnuo glavom, ja sam slegao ramenima uzimajući onu limenku sa ostatkom pive. Bilo kakvu diskusiju prekinuo je specifični zvuk motora. Kawasaki "Vulcan 400" se zaustavio na najbližoj mogućoj točki parkinga od našeg stola. Vozač je polako izbacio nožicu i parkirao, kao da ne pada kiša, potom je polako krenuo do zaklona i stola za kojim smo sjedeli. Skinuo je kacigu i ignorirajući vodu koja se cijedila sa kože u koju je bio obučen uz smiješak sjeo na kraj duge klupe. Mahnuli smo mu uz osmijeh. Klimnuo je glavom, odložio kacigu i počeo čistiti vodu sa kožne jakne. Bio je gremanski plavokos sa onom tipičnom Njemačkom uređenom bradom. Kada je završio sa uklanjanjem viška vode polako je izvadio paketić papirnih maramica i obrisao ruke, potom posegnuo u džep jakne i izvukao paketić nekih njemačkih cigareta. Zapalio je sa Zippom i ispustio dugi dim. Par minuta smo proveli u tišini čekajući tko će prvi početi. Polako je postajalo tamnije, a kiša ipak popuštala. Njemac je prvi popustio. Obratio se na engleskom pokazujući glavom ka našim motorima. "Vaši motori?" Klimnuh glavom. "Naši i dobro pokisli." Nasmijao se. "Ovdje se često spusti kiša, a nas na dva kotača to uvijek dobro opere. Kamo putujete?" "Hamburg ali večeras nema dalje, kasno je." Klimnuo je glavom i polako povukao dim iz cigarete potom pokazao rukom prema našim motorima. "Koliko kubika i koliko konja?" "Sto i sedamdeset pet, dvjesto i pedeset i tristo pedeset kubika." Izbacio sam brzo i u jednom dahu čekajući komentar. Nasmiješio se. "Svaka čast iz Jugslavia na tome do Hamburga. To treba odvoziti. Ove godine sam bio na Jadran kod Split, prekrasno." Razgovor je nakon toga potekao prirodno i opušteno. Njemac se zvao Jirgen i bio je "bajker po uvjerenju". Proputovao je dosta Evrope na dva kotača, a i jedan dio "Juge". Kiša je stala. Jirgen je otišao do motora i vratio se sa pljoskom koju je izvukao iz bisaga. Potegao je gutljaj potom pružio pljosku Streli. Strela se nije dvojio potegao je dobar "gut" pa dodao Škotu. Kada je pljoska stigla do mene već je bila pri kraju. Ispraznih ostatak i vratih je njemcu. Jirgen se nasmiješio i spremio je u džep jakne, potom nam pažljivo objasnio da na umjetnom jezeru, par kilometara dalje postoji kavana "Chopper". Vlasnica ima oko pedeset godina ali bajkeri su dobrodošli. Iza kavane je privatni vrt i mala kućica. Pripadaju vlasnici i često dopušta bajkerima da postave šator na noć dvije u vrtu. Treba samo popiti pivu i malo popričati sa istom potom je zamoliti za pomoć oko prenoćišta. U vrtu postoji tekuća voda i vanjski WC tako da je isto kao i kamp, a sve besplatno. Uz sve navedeno i ekipa koja se okuplja u kavani je OK, a kobasice dobro pečene. Mahnuo je rukom i uzeo kacigu. Gledali smo ga dok je startao motor i polako krenuo sa parkinga obilazeći poveliku baru masne vode. Pogledali smo se i Škot mahnu glavom u pravcu nestajućeg Jirgena. "Idemo na to jezero, kaže da je maksimalno pet do šest kilometara odavde?" Klimnuh glavom. "Vodi ti imaš najbolju orijentaciju i najbolje si vjerojatno zapamtio što je rekao." Strela ga pljesnu rukom po ramenu. Polako smo navukli kacige i nevoljko prišli vlažnim sjedalima motora. Noć se već polako spuštala. Nastojao sam ne zaboraviti "da je najvažnije prvi odvojak od ceste lijevo". Motori su startali bez problema. Kavana "Chopper" je izvana sličila na neki Saloon iz western filmova. Čak je imala i prečku za vezivanje konja cijelom duljinom ispred ulaza. Uz prečku nisu bili vezani konji nego parkirano par dobrih motora. Iznad staklenog ulaza je bio svijetleći natpis "Chopper". Pažljivo smo parkirali, već je bilo pomalo hladno nakon kiše. Polako smo ušao u polutamu. Sve je bilo jednostavno uređeno i bez ukrasa. Drveni stolovi i klupe, diskretna polutama i neka poluglasna rok glazba sa dobro raspoređenih zvučnika. Na drugom kraju je bio dugi šank sa barskim stolicama. Jedino su zidovi bili ukrašeni posterima iz filmova i posterima raznih tipova motora. Ugodna rupa sve u svemu. Dva stola su bila zauzeta. Za jednim su sjedila dva lika sa duljim bradama u kožnim jaknama i prslucima od trapera. Prsluke su krasile razne oznake, a lica likova brade. Noge u kaubojskim čizmama su nemarno opružili pored stola. Kratko su nas pogledali potom se vratili svome pivu u kriglama. Za drugim stolom je sjedio par. Cura je očigledno imala problema sa težinom i povelikom zadnjicom utegnutom u kožne hlače. Lik je bio mršav i oštrog pogleda sa štakorskim izrazom lica. Bio je najmanje za glavu viši od cure. Dok smo prilazili šanku rekao je nešto curi. Ova se okrenula i dobro nas odmjerila. Pripisah to radoznalosti. Iza šanka su pričali jedan debeli nijemac i zgodna žena. Sudeći po opisu bila je to vlasnica. Samo je djelovala najmanje desetak godina mlađa od pedeset. Plava kosa joj je bila vezana u konjski rep. Grudi su bile stvarno veće od normalno velikih, a struk uzan. Okrenula se i nasmiješila kada smo sjeli za šank. Zamjetih da je solidnu zadnjicu ubacila u uzane traperice koje su uz to isticale i par duljih nogu. Sve u svemu bila je seksipil. Lice je bilo pravilnih crta i okruglo, ten više nordijski crvenkast, oči plave i pogled oštriji. Progovorila je nekim dubokim ženskim glasom. "Izvolite mladići." Odmjerila nas je polako. Naručih tri piva od 0,3 na svome lošem njemačkom. Nasmješila se i klimnula glavom onom debelom plavokosom debilu koji nas je odmjeravao sa neskrivenim prezirom. Preko volje je otišao do pipe i počeo točiti pivo. "Dolazite iz daleka?" Bila je radoznala. "Iz Jugoslavije." "Daleeko, bila sam tamo na moru lijepo je." One oči su stvarno imale nešto u plavetnilu dubine. Debeli je donio tri pive i stavio ih pred nas. Ona ga pogleda prijekorno i rasporedi ih svakome po jednu, potom je izvadila cigaretu i zapalila je. Debeli se odmakao kao da ga smeta dim cigarete. Nasmiješila se i mahnula prema debelom. "Njemu smetaju cigarete misli da ima astmu. Stalno kuka o tome da radi posao bez veze i sve mu smeta. Pitam se zašto ga držim još uvijek. Ovdje ste u okolici ili u prolazu?" Trudio sam se biti odmjeren i šarmantan. "U prolazu i tražimo neko mjesto ili kamp za prenoćiti." Nije ništa rekla odmjerila me je ispod oka i udaljila se prema polici sa pićima. Promatrao sam je dok je polako ubacivala led u čašu, a potom isti obilato zalila iz neke boce. Polako se vratila, a ja sam razmišljao kako se kreće lako i elegantno sa tim prevelikim grudima. Polako je položila čašu na šank ispred sebe i otresla pepeo cigarete. Povukla je dobar gutljaj. "Vjerojatno očekujete prenoćište u mom vrtu. Imate šator?" Brzo klimnuh glavom. "Imamo sve što nam treba, a vas su preporučili kao osobu koja ima razumijevanje za moto putnike." Pokušao sam biti ljubazno šarmirajući uvlakač. Odmjerila je Škota sa zanimanjem potom se ponovno obratila meni. "OK možete postaviti šator u vrtu na noć dvije. Carsten će vam pokazati gdje." Pokazala je glavom na debelog na drugom kraju šanka. "Budite pristojni ili zovem prijatelje da vas umire. Motore možete pustiti ispred ulaza, tu su sigurni." Polako je prelazila prstom po rubu čaše, potom povukla još jedan dim iz cigarete. "Ova pića su vam na račun kuće ostalo plaćate, od hrane služimo samo ono na jelovniku iznad šanka." Uzela je čašu u ruku i namignula mi. "Idem reći debelom da vas odvede do mjesta za šatore, kada postavite šator navratite malo ovdje." Dvadesetak minuta kasnije smo završili sa postavljanjem šatora. Vrt je bio ograđen željeznom ogradom i živicom. Kućica je bila na drugom kraju i doslovce izgledala kao "kućica u cvijeću". Šator smo postavili na malom travnjaku na kome se nalazio i zidani prostor za alat sa WC-om u produžetku. Na vanjskoj strani zida bila je pipa sa vodom i umivaonik. Sve u svemu koliko smo vidjeli kroz svijetlo koje je dopiralo sa parkinga vrlo ugodno okruženje. Ubacili smo ono vojno šatorsko krilo na pod šatora kao dodatnu izolaciju i bacili vreće za spavanje preko toga. Mahnuo sam rukom i zaputio se prema ulazu u "Chopper", Škot i Strela su me pratili bez riječi. Na parkingu je bilo par motora više. Uglavnom za nas nedostižni "Suzuki" i "Kawasaki". Istina bio je i jedan Harley, nedefiniran ali sa jasnim oznakama proizvođača. Malo smo guštali "svo to kapitalističko blago" i pogledali se. Škot je slegao ramenima u stilu "što možeš njima je to lako dostupno". Dva mjesta na parkingu su zauzeli prerađeni "Ford Capri" sa širokim gumama i "VW Buba" ručno obojena u crno sa kromiranim branicima. Sve u svemu sudeći po ergeli prijevoznih sredstava vani u "Chopper-u" je bila zanimljiva ekipa. Unutrašnjost bara je bila malo više zadimljena nego prije. Očigledno se nije štedjelo na cigaretama. Glazba je bila u stilu "između rock i country", a više stolova zauzeto uglavnom parovima dečko cura. Prije nego smo sjeli za stol Strela je otišao do šanka i pogledao "Taglich Menu". Vratio se zadovoljan. "Znači "Suzuki za dvije osobe" je dva hamburgera, dupli pomfri i dvije pive, cijena četrnaest maraka. To je za tri osobe OK, samo naručimo još jednu pivu i sve štima?" Škot ga pogledao malo začuđeno. "Suzuki za dvije osobe?" Strela je klimnuo glavom. "Tako sam skužio ima tri menija "Suzuki za dvije osobe", "Wurst parti Kawasaki" i "Chopper menu". Slegoh ramenima. "A što ti je "Chopper menu"?" "Meni ništa ni rod ni prijatelj ali tamo piše koliko se kužim da su to dvije kobasice, dva jaja, dupli pomfri dvije pive i salata valjda od luka nisam siguran sa tim Zwiebel. Ali to ti je 20 marona." Škot i ja smo se pogledali, jeli smo nešto prije par sati još nije bilo problema sa hranom izuzev normal Streline "vječne gladi". Škot mi namignu. "Jebi ga dečko je u razvoju i treba jesti što češće ali da za početak uzmemo samo tri male pive?" Pogledao sam Strelu i klimnuo glavom. "Možemo taj suzuki ili chopper naručiti kasnije kada malo probavimo ono sa benzinske, OK?" Strela nije skrivao razočaranje ali je klimnuo glavom. Pitao sam se kako je ostao vitak. Čekali smo i promatrali okolne stolove. Onaj debeli konobar nas je ignorirao, a gazdarica je imala posla na šanku, intezivno je razgovarala sa dva visoka bradata lika u koži i točila čaše pive. Zamjetih da je ekipa ojačana za još jednu konobaricu tipično germanskog izgleda, plava kosa, bijela put, bujno poprsje utegnuto u košulju od trapera i uz to u minici i kaubojskim čizmama. Mahnuh konobarici ali je samo klimnula glavom i produljila ka slijedećem stolu. Par minuta kasnije gazdarica se odvojila od šanka i prišla našem stolu. Ljubazno mi se nasmješila. "Što pijemo ili jedemo?" "Može tri piva 0,3? Kasnije možda uzmemo jedan suzuki ili slično ojačan za jedno pivo." Klimnula je glavom i pogledala me ispod oka, prije nego je otišla namignula mi. Škot je malo podigao obrve. "Đoni matorki se digao klića na tebe izgleda? Ili mi se samo tako čini?" Strela je samo blago klimnuo glavom. Slegoh ramenima. "Ništa se još ne zna. Možda je samo ljubazna sa nama budući da joj djelujemo kao jadnici iz socijalističkog realizma." Škot odmahnu glavom. "Takve nemaju baš mnogo emocija niti osjećaja za politiku. Meni sliči na onu - uzmi sve što ti život pruža", klimnuo je i nasmješio se. Pivo je donio debeli Carsten, bez riječi ga je posložio ispred nas i okrenuo se na peti. Očigledno nije baš pucao od želje niti za najmanjim kontaktom sa nama. Valjda nas je svrstao u "nižu životnu klasu". Škot ga je ispratio pogledom i podigao čašu. "Živjeli luzeri i debeli nas ignorira kao i dobar komad konobarice i sve cure u lokalu." Podigli smo čaše i otpili pivo. Strela je pokazao glavom u pravcu udaljenog stola za kojim su sjedile dvije cure. Pogledah pažljivije naznačeni pravac i sadržaj stola. Nisu bile loše, dapače bile su zgodne sa tipičnim germanskim facama i plavom kosom. Bolje je bilo što su bile u nekim majicama bez rukava, kratkim vrućim hlačicama i kaubojskim čizmama, uz to noge su im bile utegnute u neke crne najlonke. Sve u svemu bile su seksi obučene za ovo mjesto. Pitao sam se da li su došle nekim od ona dva auta ili motorom. Pričale su nešto između sebe i nisu mnogo obraćale pažnju na okolicu. Pogledah Strelu upitno. Klimnuo je glavom. "Par puta su nas odmjerile. To nikada nije bez razloga." Škot je podigao obrve. "Njih dvije za nas, a Đoniju gazdarica pa nam bude sve besplatno." Obojica su se nasmijala. Ponovno bacih pogled ka šanku. Gazdarica je ispirala čaše i slagala ih u perilicu iza sebe. Radila je to vješto i profesionalno. Bio sam umoran ali pomisao na velike grudi gazdarice u mojim rukama i vjerojatno njeno veliko iskustvo u službi mog seksualnog zadovoljstva me je uzbudila. Pitao sam se što bi sve bila voljna učiniti u seksu. Zaključio sam dosta toga. Iz kuhinje je počeo dopirati miris hrane. Prevagnuo je miris roštilja i pomfrija. Pitao sam se tko radi u kuhinji. Možda neka zgodna cura ili još jedan debeli Carsten? Ma nije važno dobro je bilo i ovo izvan kuhinje, a gazdarica je još jedan put pogledala u pravcu našeg stola. Za sada ide dobro. Škot je namignuo pokazujući ka šanku i polako se digao od stola. "Dečki idem do one dvije sa mojim "tarzan english" pa što bude bude." Pogledao je Strelu mene potpuno ignorirajući. "Ako sjednem za stol uskači na zadnje sjedalo." Strela je klimnuo glavom i nasmiješio se. Počeh razmišljati zašto sam ja isključen iz igre. Po pravilu igra je uvijek bila za trojicu ovaj put Škot, vječni pokretač "idemo startati komade", me je isključio iz plana. Ipak prije polaska mi je namignuo i pokazao glavom ka šanku gdje je gazdarica lokala njihala svoje bujno poprsje pred onim likovima u koži. Polako je krenuo prema stolu one dvije predstavnice germanske rase, uz put je iznenada zastao za stolom neka dva lika sa oznakama na leđima i počeo neku priču. Ovaj trik mi je bio poznat uvijek blizu stola potencijalnih predmeta želja je bio stol koji je možda pogodan za kontakt. Kasnije se lako prebacivao na stol "predmeta želja" i sve je djelovalo izrazito prirodno i opušteno. Sjetih se ona tri mjeseca provedenih uz vožnju i opuštanje po Jadranskoj obali i Bosni, Škot je tamo bio "zakon" za cure. Pomislih da nema razloga da i ovdje ne bude isto. Strela je promatrao napredovanje Škota i namignuo mi. "Koristi stari trik, brinem se za njega, uvijek izmisli nešto novo a sada je na starom. Možda je umoran." Slegoh ramenima i posvetih se svojoj pivi. Par minuta kasnije Škot je zvršio razgovor sa ona dva lika i elegantno se prebacio za stol one dvije njemice. Pomislih da je stvarno majstor i zakon. Pogledao sam za šank. Ovaj put gazdarica je bila sama. Polako je glancala čaše iz sušilice i povremeno ispaljivala seriju prema debelom Carstenu i onoj konobarici. Namignuh Streli. "Možda odem naručim jedan menu ako si za?" Pažljivo je pratio situaciju sa Škotom i one dvije njemice čekajući znak da uskače ali je klimnuo glavom prema meni. "Može želudac mi pomalo radi." Uzeo sam čašu i polako se digao i krenuo prema šanku. Kada sam prilazio gazdarica me samo kratko pogledala. Ugodno se smjestih na visoku stolicu sa uzanim sjedalom. Sjedajući pomislih da onaj vic "Kada je prostitutka zrela za mirovinu?" - Odgovor: "Kada sjedne na barsku stolicu i propadne.", nije bio bez vraga. Samo je prostitutka bila iz neke znanstvene fantastike. Gazdarica me ponovno pogledala sa osmjehom. "Mladiću što bih mogla učiniti za vas?" Ton je bio između ciničnog i šaljivog ali to da me je zamijetila "na prvo sjedanje za šank" je bilo znakovito. Igra mi je dalje bila jasna ili je zainteresirana ili se igra mačke i miša i pali me kako bi kasnije imala temu za svoje seksualne maštarije. Već sam imao dovoljno iskustva da skužim sve spomenuto. Jedini pravac koji mi je iskustvo nalagalo bio je "direktan udarac u glavu" odnosno ili budi direktna u najkraćem roku ili odstupi odmah. Sve druge kombinacije davale su rezultat da ispadneš samo budala u "ženskim rukama", a dosta žena je rado igralo tu igru "napravi budalu od lika koji je zapaljen". Psihološki mi bilo lakše, i ovdje su važila ista muško ženska pravila, samo su možda žene bile direktne u iskazivanju svojih želja. Polako sam otpio pivu i pogledao je. Već je bila blizu mene gledajući me sa nedefiniranim osmjehom, odnosno dijelio nas je samo uski šank. Jebi ga ništa bolje mi nije padalo na pamet ali odvalih odgovor bez razmišljanja. "Lijepe stvari ako bi isto vama bilo u glavi ali za sada ako možemo naručiti dva "suzuki menu" i jedan pomfrit više." Računao sam na Strelinu vječnu glad i moj potencijalni promašaj kod gazdarice, tako da imam sa čime zaposliti zube i smiriti živce. Na moje čuđenje samo je sa osmjehom klimnula glavom i pogledala me ispod oka. Ovo je bilo više nego dovoljno za zaključak "o situaciji". Polako sam otpio pivo razmišljajući da li je bolji efekt da se vratim za stol ili da ostanem za šankom. Gazdarica se izgubila na minutu ali je ponovno bila nazad razmjenujući "uz put" par riječi sa likom na drugom kraju šanka. Kada je prišla položila je dvije uske visoke čašice ispred nas, potom je polako dodala po krišku limuna na svaku čašu i stavila slanik između. Nasmiješila se. "Tekila, nazdravimo na eks." Uzela je slanik lznula svoju nadlanicu i istresla malo soli na istu. Pogledala me prodorno pa sam ponovio njen postupak. Potom je podigla čašicu gledajući me u oči. "Skol kako bi rekli vikinzi." "Skol." Odgovorih ne baš svjestan što to znači. Liznula je svu sol sa nadlanice i ispila tekilu "na eks". Učinih isto. Dok je sisala onu krišku limuna činila mi se izrazito seksi. Imala je neke pune usne. Ubacih svoj limun među zube i povukoh par "usisavanja". Legao mi je limun nakon tekile "na eks". Gazdarica je pokazala glavom iza mene. "Ostao si sam za stolom ali mislim da ti se prijatelji brzo vrate. Sjedi nazad za stol donesem ti hranu i popričamo." Ton i način kako je sve bilo izgovoreno nisu dopuštali bilo kakvu raspravu. Sve je bilo "uzmi ili ostavi". Polako sam se digao i krenuo ka "našem stolu". Uz put bacih pogled prema stolu onih njemica, Škot i Strela su nešto raspravljali sa istima. Sudeći po pokretima bilo je dosta "tarzana english – a" dopunjenog pantomimom. Polako se spustih na svoju stolicu stavljajući onaj ostatak pive u čaši ispred sebe. Bacio sam pogled na "onaj stol" ali moji prijatelji nisu obraćali pažnju na mene. Bili su zauzeti sa nekim intezivnim objašnjenjem sa puno pokreta. Ako ne dođe gazdarica bit ću "na suhom" i sa svojim mislima. To nisam volio. Atmosfera u lokalu je postajala "žešća" u zadnjih deset minuta. Prvo je puštena glazba "Born to be wild" pa "Road to heal", a sada je išlo "Yo, Ho, Ho, and a Bottle of Rum!" (fifteen man on the deadmans chest). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89BlFxuyqYQ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89BlFxuyqYQ) Za susjednim stolovima su počeli udarati kriglama pive o stol u skladu sa ritmom glazbe. Dim cigareta i ponekog "jointa" je unatoč ventilaciji zamaglio pogled na okolicu. Sve je sličilo da ide ka nekoj kulminaciji samo sam se pitao čega. Kroz dimnu zavjesu zamjetih gazdaricu kako se sa poslužavnikom u ruci približava stolu. Njihala je kukovima vrlo prirodno. One grudi su sada bile u traper košulji sa raskopčanih par prvih gumbića odnosno vidio se manji dio majice ispod kušulje i veći dio grudi. Polako je spustila poslužavnik na stol i sjela. Zamjetih da su na poslužavniku kobasice luk i pomfrit u većoj količini. Uz sve su bile i dvije visoke čaše do dvije trećine ispunjene nekom bijelom tekućinom te dvije čaše pive. To nikako nije sličilo na "Suzuki menu" ali je obećavalo potencijalni dobar provod ove noći. Zaboravih na stol gdje su Škot i Strela dokazivali sposobnost komuniciranja na "tarzan english" i znanje pantomime. Ovo za mojim stolom je bilo realno i dobro oblikovano. Gazdarica se smjestila na stolicu preko puta mene i podigla jednu od onih čaša sa bijelom tekućinom. "Rum Havana Club hladan najbolje ide. Skol." Pogledah dekolte košulje majicu vidljivi dio grudi i osmjeh punih usana i više nesvjesno nego svjesno podigoh čašu. "Skal madam." Nasmijala se i ispila "na eks". Ponovih isto. Pjesma "Yo, Ho, Ho, and a Bottle of Rum!" se zvaršila, a sada je iz strateški raspoređenih zvučnika treštala "Drunken Sailer". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGyPuey-1Jw (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGyPuey-1Jw) Dim u zraku, atmosfera u lokalu, popijeni alkohol i cigareta u ruci su mi dodali hrabrost. Uhvatio sam je za ruku u kojoj je držala cigaretu i polako se naginjao prema njoj. Nije se odmakla ili izvukla ruku iz moje. Samo se blago nagnula naprijed i primila moj poljubac i jezik u usta. Lagano se odmaknula nasmiješila i povukla dim iz cigarete. Sjedila je naslonjena na stolicu promatrajući lokal. Polako je ugasila cigaretu i izvukla nešto što je sličilo na smotani Joint iz džepa košulje. Zapalila je sa Zippo upaljačem koji je odložila na sredinu stola polako povukla dim i duboko ga udahnula. Iz zvučnika je treštao Nazareth "This flight tonight". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylW6sC6NNhY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylW6sC6NNhY) Polako se nagnula naprijed udišući dim iz jointa i pokazala prstom da se približim. Izdahnula je dim u moja usta dok su nam usne bile čvrsto spojene. Ovo je doista bila dobra trava sudeći po okusu ili je to bila opijenost "uspjeha u lovu". Odmaknula se i povukla dim uz osmijeh. Potom mi dodala joint. Povukao sam dim i vratio ga preko stola. Polako sam otpio ostatak iz čaše. Pogledah prema onom stolu gdje su mi prijatelji izvodili pantomimu ali puno likova je ustalo od stola plešući uz glazbu i ispijajući pivu. Ništa se nije vidjelo izuzev izmaglice duhanskog i dima indijske konoplje. Pogledah prema gazdarici. Smiješila se potom nagnula prema meni pružajući mi joint. "Ja sam Hilda, a ti?" Trudila se nadglasati glazbu. Uzeo sam joint i povukao dim. Stvarno je ovo bila dobra trava. "Zoran ali zovu me Djoni." Vratih ostatak joint-a preko stola. Povukla je dim duboko udahnula i mahnula konobarici koja je upravo prolazila. Nešto je odbrusila na njemačkom moja opijenost cijelom situacijom nije dopustila da skužim što. Minutu kasnije ispred nas su bile dvije nove čaše hladnog "Havana Club". Ispili smo na eks. Razmišljao sam da li će izvaditi još jedan joint ali na svu sreću nije, samo je otkopčala košulju do kraja sada su navalu grudi priječili samo tanka majica i činilo mi se još tanji grudnjak. Poljubili smo se preko stola. Uzeh njenu ruku u moju i pomiješamo prste u klupko. Na zvučnicima je počela glazba iz filma "The good the bad and the ugly". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFa1-kciCb4 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFa1-kciCb4) Ljubili smo se dugo. Odvojila se od mene i duboko udahnula. "Sladak si Džoni." Ponovno je mahnula konobarici. Minutu kasnije ispred nas su bile dvije nove čaše. Klimnula je glavom i nasmiješila se. "Skal Džoni!" (ponovno u stilu skool). Podigoh čašu. "Skal." Više me nije bilo briga za Škota i Strelu, put ili bilo što drugo jedino sam želio uvaliti se u tu mekoću i iskustvo zrele žene. Polako me privukla i poljubila. Poljubac je bio jedan od onih koji "obaraju sa nogu". Druge dvije čaše su bile na našem stolu. Glazba je prešla u mirniji ritam ali dim je bio gušći. Iz zvučnika se čulo "ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vn23e9GnhI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6vn23e9GnhI) Prebacio sam se na drugu stranu stola i poljupci su bili dugi. Osjetih nokte na svojim leđima. Zavukla je ruke ispod jakne i noktići mačke su derali kroz majicu. Polako odvojih usne od njenih. Odmaknula se od mene. Pogledah prema onom stolu gdje se ubacili Škot i Strela. Škot je kroz pukotinu dima i ljudskih tijela gledao prema našem stolu. Pogledi su nam se susreli nasmiješio se u stilu "uživaj". Osjećao sam se moćno. Zagrlio sam Hildu i privukao je na rame. Nije se protivila, a nove dvije čaše su se našle ispred nas. Konobarica mi se nasmiješila. Sve je djelovalo dobro i previše dobro. Pogladih je drugom rukom blago po kosi. "Do kada moraš raditi ovdje?" Malo se odmakla od mene i pogledala me u oči, bio je to duboki čudni pogled. "Do kada želim, debeli je tu on je ako ništa drugo pošten do kraja i sve će obaviti kako treba, ali ..." Grlo mi se malo stisnulo ono "ali" nije obećavalo dobro. Pogledah je u oči prodornim pogledom. "Ali što?" Malo samo malo je iskrivila glavu. Potom je polako ali dovoljno glasno počela." "Džoni ok si zgodan visok i to ali ja bih vas svu trojicu." Malo se odmakoh od Hilde. Nisam bio siguran da sam dobro skužio što je rekla na kraju moj njemački je bio loš. "Što misliš sa tim." Pažljivo se okrenula i uhvatila me za obije ruke. Gledala me u oči. "Ti tvoja dva prijatelja i ja to je kombinacija." Osjećao sam se izgubljeno ili nisam dobro skužio ili je moj uspjeh sa Hildom "drek na žbici". "Časno odstupanje" nije bilo moguće jedino "agresivan pristup" je preostao. "Kako misliš nas tri i ti. Što bi radili?" Pogledala me sa osmijehom. "Imam par video kazeta ako ti nije jasno što bi radili. Ali nije bitno ugodna noć. Ako se dogovorite dođi do šanka, poslije idemo kod mene." Izvukla je ruke iz mojih i polako se počela provlačiti pored mene. Uhvatih je za ruku. U meni je ključalo želja, bijes, iznenađenje tuga. "Možda bih ja volio dvije žene u krevetu, a moji prijatelji su se kako mi se čini udomili za noćas?" Pogledala me nekim čudnim pogledom, potom je pogledala prema stolu sa Škotom i Strelom i one dvije njemice. "Nisu one dvije su lezbijke ali vole očijukati sa dečkima tek toliko da si dokažu nešto, ne znam što. Što se tiče dvije cure u tvom krevetu i to je moguće ali sada sam u drugoj fazi." Pogladila me rukom po obrazu i polako je spustila na moje grudi. U tom polu ustajućem položaju sa grudima ispod moga nosa i rukom na mojim grudima bila je taaako seksi. "Džoni sladak si mladi komad, javi se kada se budeš vraćao doma možda budem u fazi koju ti voliš." Polako se izvukla između stola i mene i otišla do šanka. Nastavila je točiti piće i glancati čaše. Djelovala je hladno i pričala sa svakim tko bi prišao šanku. Bacih pogled na gomilu hrane na pladnju, nije mi se jelo. Konobarica se stvorila pored mene i pustila mi na stol čašu sa hladnim "Havana Club". Iz zvučnika je deralo "Live is Life". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGikhmjTSZI (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGikhmjTSZI) Pogledah za drugi stol. Škot se polako dizao uz osmjeh Strela je ustajao sa one stolice na koju se uvalio zbunjena izraza lica. Kroz izmaglicu dima nisam bio siguran da li su djelovali razočarano. Polako su prišli i sjeli za stol. Strela je zamijetio hranu i bacio se na kobasice i pomfrit. Škot me polako pogledao. "One dvije su ...." "Lezbijke." Dopunih ga. Pogledao me umorno i klimnuo glavom. Polako je uzeo jedan pomfrit sa tanjura i ubacio ga u usta. Žvakao je temeljito da smiri hormone. "Koliko dođe ovo zadovoljstvo hrane?" Djelovalo je da pita više reda radi, Strela je žvakao drugu kobasicu ne uzbuđujući se. Slegoh ramenima. "Ništa Hilda časti odnosno gazdarica časti." Pogledao me i ubacio drugi pomfrit u usta. "Barem se tebi posrećilo. Spavaš kod nje noćas?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Prima ili svu trojicu ili ni jednog." Strela je prestao žvakati kobasu i gledao u mene u stilu "sunčanica je kriva". Škot se nasmijao. "Zna žena što hoće, život je jedan i što si joj rekao?" Ponovno slegoh ramenima imitirajući Dudeka iz popularne serije "Gruntovčani". "Kaj ti ja znam ne pačam se u politiku." Škot se nasmijao, a Strela nastavio žvakati. Iz zvučnika je treštalo "Comandante Che Guevara ". https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSRVtlTwFs8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSRVtlTwFs8) Polako smo napuštali stol, Hilda je još bila u svom filmu na šanku, glancanje čaša i povremeni razgovori sa likovima za šankom. Škot i Strela su krenuli prema vratima, ja nisam mogao to učiniti, još mi je u glavi sviralo "Comandante Che Guevara ". Tada je to značilo puno toga. Da nisi "peder nego lik" da si pomalo anarhist (za razliku od "tvrdog socijalizima") da si "faca". Polako sam prišao šanku i čekao da mi se obrati. Nakon par minuta se isplatilo nije izdržala. "Džoni što mogu učiniti za tebe?" Pogledah je jednim od svojih "sada i nikada više" pogleda razvijenih u par godina komuniciranja sa ženama. "Ako ne puštaš glazbu po planu daj mi još jedan put "Live is Life"." Dugo me gledala potom klimnula glavom bez daljnjih komentara. "OK Džoni za tebe." Okrenuo sam se i polako krenuo prema izlazu. Par koraka kasnije pratila me glazba "Live is Life". Nije to bilo što sam želio ali je ipak bilo nešto. Polako zatvorih vrata za sobom. Vani je bilo svježe i hladno. Polako sam krenuo prema šatoru koji smo postavili. U glavi mi još bila slika iz jednog pra starog filma "Sa Zapada", a remake istog je bio urađen par godina prije pod nazivom "Vatrene ulice". Ono "Live is Life" je bila scena kada lika koji je propalitet pitaju za pomoć da se riješe drugih siledžija. Isti im kaže "Želite bitangu koja će riješiti vaš problem? E pa nema kvalitetne bitange za malu lovu." Tada počinje glazba "Live is Life". Ubacih se u šator i umotah u vreću za spavanje. U mislima sam bio sa Hildom. Ona dvojica su već spavali "snom pravednika". Očigledno nisu ni poljubili niti jednu od one dvije "lezbe" pa ih nije imalo što mučiti. Mene je. Sat vremena kasnije sam bio budan. Spavao sam možda petnaest minuta. Polako da ne probudim dva "pravednika" se izvukoh iz šatora. To je bio jedini šator koji smo posjedovali, ništa posebno makedonski "Lisca" za tri osobe. Polako sam navukao čizme i jaknu. Izvukao sam cigaretu iz džepa traper košulje i zapalio. Duhan me malo smirio sjetih se reklame za "Marlboro" - "Sa cigaretom nisi sam" i uz to slika kauboja na konju koji kuri upravo marlboro. Suzdržah smijeh. Polako sam krenuo svijesno ili ne svijesno prema "Chopper-u". Vani u kutu mi se činilo da vidim žar cigarete. Polako sam prišao. Carsten je sjedio na gajbi od pive i pušio. Čudna situacija za nekoga tko" ima astmu i ne podnosi dim cigarete". Pogledao me ne baš iznenađen. Bilo je to tipično suho njemački "Čus" bez osjećaja. Stao sam pored njegove "fotelje" i povukao dim iz cigarete. "Hilda zna da pušiš?" Pogledao me mrzovoljno. "Ne baš, misli da mi smeta dim duhana." Klimnuh mu glavom. "I voli tri dečka u krevetu pa smo ti i ja jednaki." Nije reagirao na izjavu. Povukli smo još par puta svatko iz svoje cigarete. Slegoh ramenima i izbacih svoj loši njemački. "OK ne želim te gnjaviti idem natrag u vrt." Bacio sam cigaretu i ugasio je petom čizme. Krenuo sam polako ka šatoru, iza sebe sam čuo tipično "Hei". Okrenuh se na peti, Carsten mi je mahao slobodnom rukom. Polako sam mu prišao. Ustao je i bacio čik na beton potom ga pažljivo ugasio petom cipele. Stao je pred mene kao da me izaziva. Bio je skoro za glavu niži ali me gledao direktno u oči. Nisam se osjećao ugodno, bilo je nešto u tom debelom liku što je govorilo "ne zajebavaj ga bez razloga". Polako me odmjerio. "Ja je volim i znam jedno, nikada nikome ne nudi ništa ako nije zainteresirana za njega. Zato vrati se nazad i zagrli je, ako ti je nešto ponudila znači da si ti prvi u igri, a ostalo pusti na stranu. Možeš ući na zadnji ulaz slijedećih petnaest minuta ti pustim otvoreno." Polako se okrenuo i ušao na zadnji ulaz. Ostao sam sam sa sobom. Polako sam sjeo na gajbu na kojoj je minutu prije sjedio debeli Carsten. Lik mi je djelovao OK, sada nakon par razmijenjenih riječi. Zapalih novu cigaretu. Imao sam "cajta" popušiti cigaretu i ući na zadnji ulaz ako to odlučim. Na kraju krajeva mogao sam i na glavni ulaz bez frke. Bitno je ostati hladan. Nebo je bilo prekriveno zvijezdama. Par minuta kasnije ugasih pola cigarete petom i krenuh prema zadnjem ulazu. Bio je otključan. Polako otvorih vrata i provukoh se u svijetlo kuhinje. Carsten je upravo pričao sa debelom plavokosom njemicom, crvenom u licu od toplote električnog roštilja na kojem je okretala kobasice i hamburgere. Pogledali su me i produljili svoj razgovor kao da se ništa nije dogodilo. Polako prođoh prema slijedećim vratim i provukoh se kroz njih. Hilda je upravo izvlačila i slagala novu pivu u bocama u hladnjak. Zadnjica je bila znatno iznad hladnjaka i bila je jedna od rijetkih ženskih zadnjica na koju mi se dizao. Polako sam zatvorio vrata i čekao. Kada je završila slaganje okrenula se i iznenađeno ustuknula korak. Pogledala me i polako se nasmiješila. "Ne spavaš Džoni?" Već točno spominjanje mog nadimka je govorilo dosta. Odmahnuh glavom. "Ne mogu, mislim na tebe i onih par poljubaca koji su bili tek tako." Nadao sam se da je moj njemački dosta precizan nisam želio da sve dobije drugi tonalitet. Mahnula mi je rukom da priđem. Dok sam prilazio izvadila je bocu "Havana Club" iz hladnjaka i dvije čaše. Polako je nasula piće i pružila mi čašu. Nadao sam se da to nije ono "popij i nestani". Podigla je čašu. "Skal." Ponovno je to zvučalo kao skool. "Živjeli ." Odgovorih. Pogledala me iznenađeno i nasmiješila se. Ispili smo na eks. Gledao sam je, bila je za glavu niža od mene. Gledala me bez izraza lica potom me polako uhvatila za rub jakne i povukla ka sebi. Poljubac je bio dug. "Noćas uzimam samo tebe ali sutra nestani." Sve je bilo izgovoreno uz smiješak i nije zvučalo grubo. Uhvatih je za ruku i ponovno poljubih. Poljubac je bio jedan od onih "praskavaca" – ravno u glavu. Stisnula mi je jače prste i pustila ruku potom otišla do konobarice nešto joj objašnjavajući tihim glasom. Pogledah po lokalu. Bilo je skoro pusto. Za stolovima je ostalo još par ljudi. Dva para koji su se nemilice ljubili i nekoliko polupijanih samaca. Prišla mi je i uhvatila me za ruku, potom nježno poljubila. Polako smo krenuli ka kuhinjskom izlazu. Dok smo prolazili kroz kuhinju pogledah Carsten-a, samo mi mahnuo rukom i produljio pričati sa onom debelom kuharicom. Kuharica je gledala za nama dok sam pažljivo puštao ulazna vrata, nadao sam se da će provesti noć sa Crastenom mislim da si pašu. Polako smo prešli kamenu stazu od restorana do kuće. "Kućica u cvijeću" je i iznutra izgledala isto. Prizemlje sa velikim dnevnim boravkom prepunim cvijeća u posudama i kat sa spavaćim sobama. Nismo stigli do kata. Pravac Hamburg Pravac Hamburg "Popušio bih ti da dođeš sebi ali nemam povećalo da ti ga nađem!" Strela je bio u svom elementu, gurajući vrhom kaubojske čizme komadić sendviča prema košari za smeće. Ja svoj sendvič nisam pojeo. Ležao je na klupi pored mene na komadu najlona. Ponovno je na meniju bilo sendviči od "kruha sa najlonkama" i neke suhe salame, uz to po limenka kole svakome. Ovo je bila neka jeftina kola u bijelim limenkama. Nije bilo bitno imala je skoro isti okus kao originalna Coca Cola. Otpio sam gutljaj iz limenke i zapalio novu cigaretu. Škot me upitno pogledao. "Koji ti ku..$..c Djoni, nisi progovorio niti riječ zadnjih par sati? Nije ni čudo da se Strela brine za tebe." Odmahnuh glavom izbjegavajući pogledati ih u oči. "Dečki "no sikiriki", samo sam umoran." Strela je laganim udarcem noge smjestio ostatak sendviča pored košarice za smeće i okrenuo se. "Pa daa ti si "radiijo" cijelu noć i sada bi te trebali žaliti. Mada moram priznati ona kava i kajgana ujutro su bili prava stvar. Jedina korist od tvog seksanja sa ekstremnim parom sisa." Ipak je pokupio rukom komadić kruha i salame od sendviča i ubacio ih u košaru. Pripisah njegov ispad tome što mu je zadnji komadić sendviča ispao iz ruke dok je posezao za limenkom cole. Kada je hrana bila u pitanju lako je pucao po živcima. Škot ga je pogledao sa zanimanjem. Odmahnuo je rukom i slegao ramenima. "Pusti Djonija na miru, ako je ok i možemo dalje, svaki dalji razgovor i podjebavanje bi bili bespredmetni." Strela je morao "imati zadnju". "Pustio bih ga ali mu se očigledno nije digao noćas pa je sve morao odraditi jezikom. E sad vidiš razhebo je istegao ili potrošio jezik pa od jutros šuti." Hilda je to jutro napravila jaja na kajganu u četiri tanjura i punu posudu filter kave. Dodala je i bokal svježeg soka od naranče. Sve je smjestila na malu terasu prema vrtu. Nakon toga me probudila i obavijestila da pozovem prijatelje. Doručkovali smo uz malo razgovora. Meni se spavalo i nisam želio otići od te žene ali dogovor od sinoć i jutarnji doručak sa kavom jasno su govorili da "nema daljnje rasprave". Uz sve navedeno bila je ljubazna ali distancirana, kao da se ništa nije dogodilo već samo služi goste u svom lokalu. Škot je ubacio par ljubaznih riječi na engleskom, a Strela je samo par puta rekao "Thank you madam". Šator smo spakirali za petnaest minuta. Bilo je oko 9 sati kada smo prišli motorima. Hilda me ipratila do motora. Pogledao sam je, a ona se nasmiješila i dala mi pusu u usta. To je bilo sve. Pogladio sam je po obrazu vrhovima prstiju potom se okrenuo prema motoru. Škot i Strela su već sjedili na svojima gledajući u drugom pravcu. Dok sam se okretao osjetih da me uhvatila za lakat sa leđa. Zastao sam i kada me povukla okrenuo sam se ka njoj. Gledala me u oči uz osmijeh. Potom me polako privukla i poljubila nježno. Bio sam zbunjen. Ona je samo posegnula rukom u džep jakne od trapera koju je nosila u tom hladnom jutru i izvukla metalnu tabakeru i zippo koji je palcem držala priljubljenog za tabakeru. Polako mi je pružila tabakeru sa zipp-om. "Uzmi da me se sjetiš ponekad. Imaš tri travke unutra pa pazi. Ako prolaziš ovuda u povratku javi se ali ne očekuj puno. Moglo bi postati ozbiljno, a ja bih ti bila majka .." Uzeo sam poklon gledajući zbunjeno. Okrenula se i otišla bez riječi. Gurnuo sam tabakeru i Zippo u unutarnji džep jakne i zajahao motor. Nije mi se išlo ali bio sam svjestan da nema razloga ni logike ostati. Jednostavno to je bilo to. Petljao sam sa tri drukera na mojoj istočno njemačkoj kacigi pokušavajući pričvrstiti plastični vizir za cijelo lice. Kada mi je to pošlo za rukom navukao sam kacigu i startao MZ-a te bez puno "zagrijavanja" krenuo. Škot i Strela su me pratili. Petnaest minuta kasnije izbili smo na auto cestu za Frankfurt. Dodao sam gas pazeći pri tome da ne prelazim 90 km/s što je bila Strelina maksimalna putna brzina. Nisam želio razmišljati niti analizirati, a najmanje pričati sa bilo kim. Zato sam držao tempo i usredotočio se na cestu. Farnkfurt smo obišli auto cestom i produljili prema Dortmundu. Nakon toga je plan bio auto cestom preko Munstera i Bremena prema Hamburgu. Uglavnom pravac bez puno "oštrih" uspona koji su za naše konjske snage bili poražavajući. Vozili smo skoro dva sata kada je potreba za benzinom naložila skretanje na prvu crpku. Natankali smo benzu i prebacili se na parking. Strela je bez riječi otišao da automata za kavu na benzinskoj i donio tri papirne šalice sa tipičnom njemačkom filter kavom. Cigaretu sam zapalio Hildinim Zippo-om. Nastojao sam ne misliti puno, još mi je prošla noć bila svježa u glavi i ma koliko se trudio nisam je mogao zaboraviti. Jedini zaključak je bio da je "to žena za mene". Škot je izvadio kartu i zbrajao kilometre koji su nam preostali. Nejasno sam čuo njegov razgovor sa Strelom "da se radi oko još 450 km, pa nije siguran da li je to moguće danas, već je podne". Zaključio je da ako produljimo ovim tempom možemo računati u najboljem slučaju negdje oko 22 sata da smo u Hamburgu, a budući da nas čeka par prijelaza po lokalnim cestama i pauze za odmor. Pogledali su u mom pravcu. Slegao sam ramenima i polako otišao do košare za smeće i ubacio praznu šalicu od kave. Prišao sam motoru i bacio čik cigarete na zemlju te ga pažljivo zagasio vrhom čizme. Namignuo sam Škotu i skinuo plastični vizir sa kacige te ga ubacio u vojničku torbu na prtljažniku. Stavio sam naočale za sunce i navukao kacigu. Škot je slijedio moj primjer. Polako smo krenuli sa parkinga. Ritual sa kavom i benzinom smo ponovili još dva puta. Sada oko sedam sati poslije podne, mrtvi umorni smo sjedili nadomak Bremena u parku nekog malog mjesta čiji naziv nismo mogli ni skužiti niti izgovoriti. Jednostavno od devet ujutro do sada smo napravili samo par pauza i umor i kilometraža su uzimali svoje. Od oko devet sati puta više od sedam smo proveli u vožnji. Zbroj je bio preko 400 km. Čekalo nas je još nešto oko 150 ali nakon pauze nije nam se vozilo dalje. Sve to je bio dodatni razlog da se podigne prag razdražljivosti i počne "bockanje". Polako sam ustao sa klupe i podigao sendvič. Dva komada sterilnog kruha sa nešto nedefinirane salame. Pružih sendvič Streli. "Uzmi ja ne mogu jesti." Pogledao me oštro, a potom opalio rukom po ramenu. "Jedi Djoni čeka nas još koji kilometar. Treba ti snaga, a Hildu nabij na ku..$..c u mislima pa sve bude ok." Zvučalo je prijateljski i umirujuće. Nisam imao volje komentirati bilo što. Najlakše je bilo zagrizi sendvič i šuti. Žvakao sam polako. Škot me odmjerio i počeo oprezno. "Kupio sam karticu za telefon, a preko puta parka ti je govornica. Da nazoveš Gogu i javiš joj da stižemo kasno. Nije frka petak je pa vikend sigurno ne radi." Klimnuo sam glavom gutajući bezvoljno onaj sterilni sendvič. "Možeš je i ti nazvati. Imaš broj." Prije polaska sam im dao Gogin broj telefona, kao kontakt za slučaj da se netko odvoji ili izgubi odnosno "za rezervu". Minutu kasnije Škot se zaputio prema govornici. Ja sam ostatak sendviča pružio Streli i zapalio novu cigaretu. Strela me odmjerio prijateljskim pogledom potom odložio sendvič na klupu i pljesnuo rukama. "Daj Djoni matorih pičića ima po izboru bilo gdje. Sredi se malo u glavi, idemo do Goge, a tamo su mlade cure po mjeri za nas. Ne misliš valjda da se druži sa fosilima. Samo ništa ne pričaj Miri kada se vratimo." Blago me udario po ramenu. Klimnuh glavom i otpih ostatak cole. Imao je pravo, samo mi je trebalo vremena da posložim stvari. Bilo je ugodno imati prijatelje pored sebe u ovakvoj situaciji. Strela mi vratio ostatak sendviča nakon što je zagrizao komadić. "Pojedi to trebat će ti, od jutros smo samo na kavi." Škot se vratio zbunjena izraza lica. "Nitko se ne javlja, valjda je izašla nekamo ili nije vrag da ima problema." Ubacio sam ostatak sendviča u usta i posegao za Škotovom limenkom cole. Trebao mi je jedan gut da isperem onaj sterilni kruh. Pogledah Škota i odmahnuh glavom. "Jebi ga koji bi nam bio daljnji plan u tom slučaju?" Škot pogleda Strelu pa mene. "Vozimo dalje, a zovemo sa prve benzinske ponovo. Na kraju krajeva ima kampova oko Hamburga." Polako smo krenuli ka motorima. Strela je prije polaska pokupio naše limenke i bacio ih u košaricu sa smećem. Mali uredni park je djelovao umirujuće pri svijetlu zalazećeg sunca. Neka djeca su zagledala naše motore parkirane na ulazu u park. Nije mi se dalo ponovno stavljati plastični vizir, za cijelo lice, na ona tri drukera istočno njemačke kacige, očigledno predviđena da nešto pričvrste na tenk, pa samo nabacih naočale za sunce i polako navukoh kacigu. Kaciga mi je djelovala teško, nadao sam se da ću ovdje u centru "trulog kapitalizma" naći nešto lakše. Neku integralnu kacigu sa vizirom koji se podiže i spušta na nekoj rasprodaji. U jugi su takve kacige bile "pravo malo bogatstvo" kao roba iz uvoza. Ovdje je to trebalo biti jeftinije ako mi "uleti" prava rasprodaja. Prije polaska mahnuh Škotu. Polako je ubacio u prvu i prišao mom motoru. "Ako je frka sa Gogom zovemo Bosu i njen broj imate tako da je ona slijedeći kontakt. Prenesi Streli." Klimnuo je glavom dok sam ja drugi put startao MZ-a koji je u zadnjih 100 km pokazivao sujetu i svoju volju. Sve je izgledalo malo "bez veze" odnosno "krenulo je loše". Sat kasnije Škot je nezadovoljno pustio slušalicu i izvukao karticu iz slota telefonske govornice. Nas dvoje smo promatrali iz daljine njegov pokušaj da dobije Gogu. Strela me pogleda i slegnu ramenima. "Očigledno nije doma "pa da ga jebeš"." Klimnuh glavom promatrajući malu benzinsku na kojoj smo stali. Parking pored je bio ograničen na par mjesta, a kafić uz benzinsku je bio minijatura sa šankom. Noć je već zamijenila zalazeće sunce. Škot je prišao odmahujući glavom. "Ne javlja se. Da nazoveš Bosu?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Ona je nekih 70 – 100 km dalje od Hamburga nema pomoći, a i u zadnje godine smo razmijenili samo dva pisma, pustimo to za krajnju nuždu." Škot klimnu glavom potom je pokazao ka kafiću. "Idemo na pivu i pitati za kamp." Krenuli smo kao jedan. Izgledalo je kao grupa iscrpenih rudara. Sličilo je tome, prljavi neobrijani sa licima zaprljanim prašinom sa ceste i mirisom benzina dvotaktnih motora koji se širio oko nas. Konobarica za šankom je bila oličenje skladnog tijela i ljepote. Ništa na njoj nije bilo ni preveliko ni premalo. Odmjerila nas je jednim brzim pogledom bez interesa. Naručih tri male pive i u minuti su tri limenke 0,33 i tri čaše bile ispred nas. Bili smo jedini gosti. Natočili smo i nazdarvili jedan drugom tek toliko da razbijemo "loše vibracije". Otpih samo gutljaj. Pogledao sam konobaricu koja je glancala čašu i promatrala nas. Imala je lijepo lice, pravi pojam germanske ljepote svijetlog tena i plave kose. Sve su krasila dva krupna plava oka i prezrivi pogled. "Na putu smo i trebamo kamp za prenoćiti u pravcu Hamburg. Možete nam nešto preporučiti?" Pogledala me cinično. "Iz Bugarske ste?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Jugoslavija." Pogled se promijenio. Sada je djelovao više prijateljski. "Bila sam u Jugoslavija tamo oko Dubrovnika. Prekrasan grad i puno povijesnih spomenika." Odložila je čašu na šank i naslonila se rukama na isti. "Prvi kamp vam je još 70 km niz auto cestu. Skupo je i nema ništa posebno od ponude. Ima druga mogućnost." Namignula je. "Zatvaramo za sat vremena, iza kafea je nadstrešnica preko pregradnog zida. Vanjski WC vam pustim otvoren, tako da ako imate vreće možete prenoćiti na paletama za "kištre" pive. To vam je besplatno." Pogledah Škota i Strelu. Klimnuli su glavom. "OK hvala." Nasmijala se i okrenula prema fritezi za pomfrit. Ovdje je to bio neizostavni dio inventara skoro svakog kafića. Istresla je polupraznu vrećicu pomfrita u fritezu. Minutu kasnije se miris pečenog pomfrita raširio kafićem. Još smo pili pivu. Konobarica je izručila sadržaj friteze na veliki plitki tanjur dodala kechup i majonezu te stavila tanjur pred nas. "Na račun kuće. Moj dečko isto vozi motor." Sve je bilo začinjeno osmijehom. Pitao sam se što vozi njen dečko. Suzuki ili Kawasaki možda i Hondu. Za nas je to bilo nedostižno. Dok smo praznili tanjur konobarica se polako presvukla u prostoriji iza šanka. Sada je bila u uzanim trapericama majici i tenisicama. Zamjetih da je popravila make up i dodala ruža na usne. Stvarno je bila komad. Kada se začuo motor VW bube ispred kafića i dva kratka znaka sirenom, mahnula nam je rukom. Slijedili smo je i čekali dok je zaključala kafić i uključila alarm. Mahnula je prema mat crnom VW bubi, sa tamnim staklima i dosta kroma, koja je čekala na parkingu, potom nas pozvala rukom da je slijedimo. Bili smo iza kafića. Otključala je metalna vrata - rešetku koja su ograđivala prostor sa praznim bocama i vanjski WC. Pogledala nas je. "WC je desno kada krenete zatvorite vrata. Ugodna noć." Lagano je otrčala prema parkiranom autu. Pogledali smo se. Bilo je dovoljno. Iako nismo progovorili niti riječi svi smo mislili isto. "Još jedna ok osoba, nisu ljudi loši samo ih mi ponekada loše doživljavamo." Motore smo preparkirali da nam budu "na dohvat ruke". Izvadio sam posude od aluminija sa špiritnim kuhalom. Strela je složio par drvenih paleta u dio prostora koji je zidom bio odijeljen prema vani, potom izrezao nožem dvije veće kartonske kutije od pića i posložio ih na palete. Sve u svemu bila je dobra podloga za vreće, a zid i nadstrešnica su nas štitili od svake moguće kiše. Torbe smo naslagali do paleta, potpuno zaštićene od kiše. U toaletu sam nasuo vodu u alumijski zdjelu i stavio je na špiritno kuhalo. Sjedio sam na jednoj od tri plastične kištre za pivu koje smo izvukli "za sjedalice". Polako sam miješao juhu iz vrećice dok je Škot posložio vreće na palete i karton. Ovu noć smo riješili na "ugodan način". Polako sam presuo juhu od rajčice u aluminijske šalice i ugasio špiritno kuhalo poklopcem. Pili smo juhu ne pričajući ništa. Par minuta kasnije je počela sitna kiša. Trajala je kratko potom se razvedrilo. Izvadio sam metalnu tabakeru, poklon od Hilde, i izvadio jedan od tri joint-a koji su počivali unutra. Zapalio sam ZIPPO-om i povukao dubok dim. Potom sam joint dodao Streli. Joint je kružio do kraja bez riječi. Kada sam ugasio petom ostatak Strela je pokazao palcem preko leđa i otišao do paleta. Bez riječi se umotao u vreću. Već minutu kasnije smo ga čuli kako diše duboko i ravnomjerno. Škot je izvadio cigaretu iz kutije i zapalio. Bila je to njegova omiljena Drina bez filtera. Polako je povukao dim i pogledao me. "Znaš uvijek sam se pitao ti i Bosa, je tu bilo nešto. Mislim, slala ti je neke stvari iz njemačke a i poneko pismo koliko se sjećam, pa ne mislim da je to bilo samo radi Goge." Slegao sam ramenima bez volje za detaljnim objašnjenjem. "Bilo je ali samo jednu noć." Škot je klimnuo glavom. Potom je ugasio nedovršenu cigaretu petom i digao se sa kištre. "Idem u krpe, a ti si sretnik jure te i mlađe i znatno starije." Dok je odlazio prema paletama i kartonu za spavanje imao sam želju da ga "nabijem nogom u guzicu". Škot je bio "zakon" za sve žene. Sa tim plavim očima crnom kosom i višim rastom, vitak širokih ramena, uz to sve začinjeno ugodnim razgovorom dobro načitanog lika, bio je neodoljiv. Strela je jednostavno slijedio Škota i uzimao "što ostane". Ja sam bio u "drugom filmu" ali ni približno uspješan kao Škot. Škot je uvijek imao "stalnu curu" i ponešto "za skratiti noć". Ja sam ili imao vezu ili neke neobvezne sex pustolovine ali nikada tako sređen i opskrbljen curama kao Škot. Posegao sam u džep jakne i izvadio metalnu tabakeru. Izvukao sam još jedan Joint. Polako sam povukao dim promatrajući nebo preko ruba pregradnog zida. Rzvedrilo se i zvijezde su ponovno prekrile svod. Škotovo pitanje o Bosi je bilo okidač. Goga i Bosa Goga je bila u Njemačkoj. Primio sam dva pisma u kratkom razmaku. Prvo je bilo naslovljeno na moje ime ali uz to u zagradi "Vitezovi jedne dame". Već to u zagradi me smetalo. Nisam se osjećao vitezom, a još manje sam Gogu doživljavao kao damu. Doživljavao sam je kao običnu curu iz predgrađa isto kao što smo i mi bili samo likovi iz predgrađa. Sadržaj je bio pun zahvalnosti sa puno patetike i zahvale svakom ponaosob. Pisala je da je Bosa za početak smjestila kod sebe ali da joj je našla posao u kemijskoj tvornici, što je u Njemačkoj na cijeni, pa će uskoro imati "svoju gajbu" i čeka nas u posjet. Ono "vitezovi" je ponovila više puta. Pismo sam pročitao glasno pred Škotom i Strelom, dok smo sjedili u omladinskom "Kod Benija", bez komentara. Strela je samo slegao ramenima, a Škot odmahnuo rukom. "Stvarno je bila puknuta i sjebana. Nije ni čudo. Mi "vitezovi" smiješno. Samo smo uradili ono što smo smatrali da je ispravno." Strela je klimnuo glavom i započeo priču o Slađani i njezinim prijateljicama Irmi i Dadi. Normalno pismo i Goga su pali u zadnji plan. Ove cure su bile tu na dohvat, a mi napaljeni mulci uz to Strela je već provozao Slađanu na svom motoru i dogovorio druženje za tri para. Ostalo je još samo kupiti cugu i napraviti roštilj kada Škotovi "matorci" odu do vikendice pa naše zajedničke prostorije kod Škota u podrumu ostanu potpuno slobodne. Planiran je dobar provod sa roštiljem cugom glazbom i dosta seksa. Kasnije se sve realiziralo ali bez seksa. Drugo pismo je bilo naslovljeno na mene sa podvučenim imenom. Mislio sam da mi piše Bosa ali bilo je od Goge. Isto je bilo bez patetike i "vitezova". Pisala je da je kod Bose u stanu u Hamburgu, da Bosa ima "prijateljicu" koja je i više od toga. Prijateljica je par godina mlađa od Bose ali zgodna i visoka. Njih dvije imaju u planu zajednički kupiti neki stan, a to je u Njemačkoj dosta skupo. Goga ima u planu iznajmiti svoj stan i "biti svoja". Ostao sam zbunjen. Ono Bosa i prijateljica nije bilo pojašnjeno do kraja, a po mom iskustvu Bosa je bila sve prije nego lezbijka. Od Bose nisam dobio niti jedno pismo. Sve je ležalo u nekoj čudnoj izmaglici. Odlučih se na neodređeni odgovor bez pitanja ili objašnjenja. Jednostavno sam napisao Gogi da joj želim sreću u poslu i nalaženju stana te da pozdravi Bosu. Cijelu zimu i rano proljeće nije bilo nikakvog odgovora. Gogina mama je dva mjeseca nakon Goginog "nestanka" napustila Goginog oca. Ne znam što je znala i kako ali jedne nedjelje nakon mise u crkvi prišla mi je i uhvatila me za ruke. Rekla je samo "neka vas bog čuva" potom se okrenula i otišla bez riječi. Kada je napustila muža otišla je kod svog bratića u Suboticu. Taj je po pričama bio neki gadan lik u godinama i sa puno trauma još "iz partizana" gdje je sudjelovao kao dečko od 17 godina, a i bio je neki lik u CK Vojvodine. Kasnije je kružila ne potvrđena verzija "kada je Gogin Stanko navodno došao sa pištoljem po svoju ženu, da je dobio cijev od prastare "M48" u usta i više se nije usudio vratiti". Mnogi su to osporavali ali je meni sličilo na istinu. Uskoro je Gogin tata Stanko postao redoviti inventar kavane "Čakal" gdje je sa cugerima i sam zaljevao svoju tugu raspada obitelji "prouzročenog ženskim lažima i ćerkom kurvom". Dobar dio susjedstva ga je žalio. Oni oprezniji su ipak pazili što pričaju sa njim dok piju. Par naivnih je završilo na "šest mjeseci hlađenja". Mi smo čekali. Po nepisanom zakonu predgrađa "sve se imalo završiti do kraja". Mi smo poštivali zakon. Na starom HSR 48 receiveru je treštala glazba Cockney Rebel "Sebastian ". Sklopljena knjiga Richard Bach "Iluzije" mi je počivala na grudima, a znalačkim pogledom sam proučavao prljave noge u japankama. Izležavao sam se na kauču svoje sobe. Početak ljeta je bio dosadan. Jedina dobra stvar je bila što sam zaradio za novi cassette deck JVC. Razmišljao sam o boljem načinu izuzev "omladinske zadruge" za zarađivanje love. Ponovno nisam bio u vezi, odnosno zadnja veza mi je trajala par mjeseci i nekoliko desetina seksualnih kontakta. Jebalo me ono "slobodna veza". Stvar je palila ako ti nije stalo do cure ništa, odnosno "nula bodova". Ako ti je stalo nisi bio spreman na slobodnu vezu. Problem je bio što se meni i nije dizao na curu do koje mi nimalo nije stalo. Znači trebao sam curu koja ne želi slobodnu vezu i koja mi paše. To je išlo malo teže. Međutim mnoge cure u kraju su prešele 18 godina i smatrale se slobodnim i emancipiranim ženama. To je sve olakšavalo samo je trebalo imati volju za "stalnu akciju". Meni je i to počinjalo ići na živce. Škot i Strela nisu imali dvojbi. Strela je džentlmenski prihvaćao svaku vezu "koja je obećavala zabavu", a Škot je već postao majstor "uradi sam" odnosno imao je stalnu vezu i sve što uhvati sa strane. Ja sam bio u nekom drugom filmu i bio sam svjestan toga. Ostalo mi je solo vožnja i ribičija sa povremenim odlascima u popularna okupljališta. Ništa strašno. Pojačao sam malo basove na receiveru. Cockney Rebel mi je legao za ovo raspoloženje. Na kazeti su nakon istog slijedili grace jones i bronski beats. Sve u svemu jebalo mi se za ljeto i "ljetnje sheme". Mama je otvorila vrata sobe i dreknula iznervirano." "Telefon za tebe gospođa Haz te treba i smanji tu glazbu nisam ti ja tajnica." Vrata su se zalupila, a ja sam slijedeću sekundu bio na bravi. Nije mi bilo jasno tko je "gospođa Haz". Dok sam podizao slušalicu žarulja je proradila. Haz je bilo Bosino obiteljsko prezime. Gospođa Haz je ili Bosa ili ... "Da molim?" "Gospodin Zoran odnosno Bambi?" Sada sam bio totalno zbunjen ženskim staračkim glasom sa druge strane. "Da to sam osobno i po nadimku koji je van optjecaja." "Eee Ema ovdje, Bosina baka. Bosa je po prijateljici poslala nešto iz njemačke pa dođite danas ako možete da to uzmete. Bog vam pomogao doviđenja." Veza se prekinula. Žaruljice u glavi su počele plesati. Bosa je poslala nešto i to je u kući kod njene bake. Odlično možda je pismo u sadržaju tog nečega. Bilo bi krajnje vrijeme da se stvari počnu postavljati na svoje mjesto. Navratio sam u sobu po kacigu potom se bacio na motor. Dok sam startao čuo sam mamu kako vrišti. "Barem isključi tu glazbu, ja ne znam kako se to radi." Dodao sam gas i krenuo prema kući Bosine bake. Mama će po običaju izvući utičnicu od produžnog kabela iz zida i tako prekinuti sve hifi uređaje. Na ulaznim vratima je bio parkiran crveni opel kadett coupe njemačkih registracija. Ubacio sam motor iza auta i pozvonio na vrata. Potrajalo je malo dok je starački glas iza upitao:" "Tko jee?" Odverglah brzo ime nadimak i skoro sve osobne podatke. Na sreću suzdržao sam se nakon nadimka. Bosina baka je otvorila vrata. "Ooo pa to je Bambi. Uđi sine uđi." Ušao sam bez oklijevanja i pridružio se gospođi Haz i njemici nedefiniranih srednjih godina u dnevnom boravku. Šalica sa kavom se našla ispred mene, a ona njemica me samo stručno odmjerila. Nakon pola šalice kave i par rečenica je bilo jasno da njemica, po imenu Silvia, ide negdje u Bugarsku na ljetovanje, da dolazi iz Hamburga i da Jadransku obalu poznaje odlično. Mahnula je rukom da čekamo i nestala u sobi iza dnevnog boravka. Sobi u kojoj sam proveo noć tijekom zadnjeg posjeta ovoj kući. Bosina baka me pogledala nekim toplim pogledom. "Bambi Bosa kaže da si dobar dečko i da si spreman svima pomoći. Vjerojatno zato ti je poslala neku sitnicu. Ostali ovdje u predgrađu Zemuna su po nekim "svojim zakonima". Bože prije rata su u Franstalu bili uglavnom gospoda, a danas je tu svega." Pomislih da je dobro što je napola gluha inače ne znam kako bi provarila moj zadnji boravak u ovoj kući. Možda je bolje što ne čuje dobro i živi u nekim prošlim vremenima. Silvia se vratila sa manjom kartonskom kutijom i uručila mi je. Kutija je bila teža. Zapalio sam još jednu cigaretu i razmjenio par riječi "tarzan deutche" sa gospođama potom se ispričao i napustio društvo. Dok me gospođa Haz pratila ona njemica je gledala za nama ispitivački. Vani sam se jedva suzdržao da ne otvorim i raskopam kutiju tražeći neko pismo. Polako sam prišao MZ-u i stavio kutiju na prtljažnik potom izvadio gumene natezače iz torbice ispod prtljažnika i učvrstio je. Čekao sam da doma budem na samo. Petnaest minuta kasnije sam otvorio kutiju. Sadržavala je kožnu jaknu "Serpico", kaubojske kožne čizme "Serpico" i naočale za sunce iste marke. U jugi je to vrijedilo čitavo malo bogatstvo. Bio sam razočaran. Niti kutija niti džepovi jakne nisu sadržavali nikakvo pismo. Ponovno sam uštekao produžni kabel u utičnicu i počekao da krene glazba "Cockney Rebel ". Otišao sam do ormara sa LP pločama i iza ploča izvadio bocu rakije i čašu. Natočio sam čašu do pola pa vratio bocu na mjesto. Zapalio sam cigaretu i pojačao glazbu. Znao sam da će moji popizditi na prejaku glazbu ali mi je to trebalo. Polako sam otpio gutljaj pa povukao dubok dim cigarete. Jaknu sam isprobao i bacio na kauč. Pristajala mi je odlično. Nakon desetak minuta i dvije pjesme kada su počeli Bronski Beats svojim "Tell mi why?" odlučih probati čizme. Po broju su djelovale ok. Navukoh lijevu i pasala je sto posto. Posegnuh za desnom počeh je navlačiti. Neki papir je bio u čizmi, vjerojatno od originalnog pakiranja. Polako prstima pretražih čizmu i izvukoh pismo. Bilo je na moje ime, podvučeno. Par minuta sam okretao pismo među prstima dok nisam dovršio čašu sa rakijom. Polako sam otvorio kuvertu i izvukao papir. Legao sam na krevet i počeo čitati. Pismo je bilo kratko. Pročitao sam ga dva puta potom ustao i otišao po novu čašu rakije. Otpio sam gutljaj pokušavajući izvući neki zaključak iz tih par rečenica. Bosa je pisala da je ok i da me se uvijek rado sjeti kao i da će me se uvijek i sjećati. Nadalje je naznačila da mi šalje mali poklon samo zato što misli da će mi dobro pristajati. Kraj pisma je naznačio da je čula cijelu priču o Goginom odlasku od Goge i da je malo takvih ljudi koji su spremni pomoći kao što je naša ekipa to uradila. Kraj je završavala rečenica "Rado bih te uvijek vidjela kada je to moguće." Otpio sam još gutljaj "žestice" i zapalio novu cigaretu. Pismo je bilo "ni za glavu ni za rep" kao da mi piše prijateljica iz školskih dana o zajedničkoj ekskurziji, a sve je sličilo na onu bocu pića koja se po nekome pošalje poznaniku iz kurtoazije. Ostao sam doma i preskočio ručak. To što sam preskočio ručak moje nije začudilo ni malo, više ih je zabrinulo što te večeri nisam najavio da "idem vani". Mama me čudno odmjerila i pitala da li mi je dobro. Otpilio sam je bezvoljno nekim obrazloženjem "da želim pročitati do kraja knjigu". Pola sata kasnije me ponovno pozvala na telefon. Strela se javio dobre volje i pun energije. Pitao je da li može doći do mene. Odgovorih samo: "Normalno dođi." Petnaest minuta kasnije začuo sam zvuk motora u dvorištu. Otvorio sam ulazna vrata i propustio Strelu u hodnik. Mahnuo sam glavom ka mojoj sobi što je bio znak da se ne mora javljati mojima u dnevnoj sobi. Ušli smo u sobu i zatvorih vrata. Strela je bacio jaknu na jedan kraj kauča i položio kacigu na nju. Otvorio je ruksak i izvukao dvije boce piva i knjigu. Pivo je položio na moj radni stol a knjigu bacio na kauč. "Ovo moraš pročitati." Polako sam prišao i pogledao korice sa nacrtanom cestom potom pročitah autora i naslov. Jack Kerouac, "Na cesti". Podigao sam knjigu i polako je odložio na ormarić pored ležaja potom pokupio svoja dva jastuka i bacio ih jedan do drugoga prema zidu. Strela je već otvorio pivo i prišao mi pružajući bocu. Legli smo poprijeko na ležaj i naslonili se na jastuke. Iz zvučnika je dopirala glazba Azra "Fafala si mi ti". Kucnuli smo se bocama i otpili. Strela je bio nabrifan. "Knjiga je zakon, moraš to pročitati. E a znaš onu malu Svetlanu iz Galenike sinoć sam ..." Podigao se u sjedeći položaj i pogledao ispod radnog stola gdje sam odložio one čizme iz paketa. Polako je ustao i slobodnom rukom podigao jednu. Pažljivo je zagledao i otpio gutljaj pive. "Koga si to upucao na cesti i pokupio mu serpikose?" "Proveo sam noć u ćeliji zajedno sa jednim koga su trebali ujutro objesiti pa mi pustio svoje čizme i ključeve od motora. Samo su ga objesili prije nego sam ga stigao pitati koji je motor i koja registracija tako da sada pokušavam sve motore redom startati sa ovim ključem koji sam dobio." Izvadio sam iz džepa starinski željezni ključ od dvorišnih metalnih vrata i podigao ga u zrak. Nasmijao se odmahujući glavom. "Ako ne želiš reći nema frke što se mene tiče mogao si ih skinuti i sa mrtvih stopala." Bacio je čizmu nazad pod stol. "Bosa mi poslala po prijateljici iz njemačke." "Kojim povodom? Čula od drugih lažne priče da imaš 25 cm ali jezika pa da ti se uvuče prije slijedećeg posjeta rodnom kraju?" Bacio se nazad na ležaj i naslonio na jastuk. Nije mi se dalo ništa posebno objašnjavati, a nisam ga želio povrijediti. Ispalih prvu laž koja mi je zvučala logično. "Kada je Goga bježala za njemačku dao sam joj sto maraka da joj se nađe za po putu, sama je bila suha. Sada izgleda to Bosa vraća dug pa mi poslala čizme, jaknu i naočale serpikose." "Uvijek sam tvrdio da ti u ekipi imaš najveći smisao za posao i lovu. Vadi jaknu i stakla da vidim, a poslije ti kažem nešto poslovno što sam čuo." Dok je isprobavao jaknu ispričao mi je da po firmi gdje je radio preko omladinske neki lik dila salame i sireve te ukrase iz Rumunjske i Mađarske. Tete iz firme kupuju to ko lude, jeftinije nego kod nas, a kvaliteta dobra. Skinuo je jaknu i vrati je u ormar. "Posudiš mi je ponekad da zblesavim komade koje kontam?" "Narafski." Bio sam zadovoljan što me nije dalje ništa pitao. Petnaest minuta kasnije sam ušao u dnevni boravak i obavijestio moje da "idem malo van pa kad dođem". Mama me pogledala sa olakšanjem u stilu "ipak nije bolestan". Po običaju večer smo završili u obilasku dva lokalna kafića. Ja sam nosio nove čizme, a Strela moju jaknu samo je malo zavrnuo rukave. Život je krenuo dalje. Par dana kasnije sam pakirao opremu za ribolov u ruksak. Planirao sam krenuti slijedećeg jutra sa svitanjem do Starog Slankamena u ribolov i malo kupanja, a potom na povratku obići jedan kafić u kome se znala iskupiti zanimljiva ekipa. Škot se sa novom curom odvezao u neki motel prema jugu, a Strela se patio sa prijateljicom Škotove cure koja "malo bi, malo ne bi". Tako sam ostao na kratko sam. Zazvonio je telefon u hodniku i nevoljko sam podigao slušalicu nadajući se da nije neka mamina rođakinja sa detaljnim ispitivanjem kako sam i imam li curu. "Da molim." "Halo Bambi." Stresao sam se na Bosin mekani malo dublji glas. "Hei Bosa, kako si?" "Dobro, baka mi javila da ti je Silvija uručila paket. Nisam željela u pismu pisati ništa posebno kako ga možda neki radoznali carinik ne bi otvarao i čitao. Zato te sada zovem." Udahnuo sam dublje. "Već sam mislio da si me u totalu otpilila i da je poklon "za ugodno sjećanje"." "Ne budali Bambi. Ti si za mene nešto posebno, samo moraš ostati svoj i naći svoj život i svoj put. Ja svoj imam, a plašim se, ako te puno zivkam vezujem te za sebe i napustit ćeš svoju cestu kako bi pokušao voziti mojom. To nije ni moguće niti bi bilo dobro za tebe. Razvijaj se dalje kako si počeo slijedeći samo svoje ideje i misli." "Bosa imaš nekog lika u Njemačkoj? I "by the way" ne zovu me više Bambi nego Djoni." "Bambi ili Đoni ne budali. Uvijek si dobro došao kod mene u njemačkoj, a tada možemo detaljnije razgovarati. Uskoro mijenjam stan i imat ću novi broj telefona, pošaljem ti ga pa se čujemo pnekad ovako je nezgodno radi tvojih da te često zovem. Sada idi vani i nađi neku curu svojih godina i pokaži joj da si ono što si prema meni pokazao." Veza se prekinula. Stajao sam još minutu sa slušalicom u ruci. Polako sam spustio slušalicu i odlučio da je više nikada ne pitam ništa ako se ponovo javi. Hamburg Promatrao sam vlažne traperice do pola uprljane masnim blatom. Počivale su na vlažnoj klupi neke benzinske na domaku Hamburga. Sve je krenulo loše od jutra. Bilo je oblačno pa smo torbe na prtljagi zaštitili zelenkastim plastičnim vrećama od umjetnog gnojiva. One tanke kišne hlače za vrt nismo navlačili. Nadali smo se da se sklonimo prije početka kiše. Uskoro smo stali radi mog motora koji je radio čudno, preskačući ritam. Kada sam skinuo svjećicu bila je zaprljana uljem. Škot me samo pogledao. "Mogao bi malo paziti kako dodaješ dvotaktol u benzin. Očigledno ga sipaš kao da sebi točiš alkohol u čašu." Nisam odgovorio ništa, a Strela je namignuo iza njegovih leđa povlačeći prstom preko vrata sa upitnim pogledom. Odmahnuo sam glavom dok sam čistio svjećicu. "Pusti ga neka još malo živi, tako će nasrati veću gomilu." Nakon slijedećih petnaest minuta počeo je pljusak. Bili samo na auto cesti i nismo stajali. Pljusak je bio kratak i nije probio jakne od umjetne kože ali su nam traperice bile vlažne i čizme pune vode. Pri skretanju na prvu slijedeću benzinsku meni je pošlo za rukom pronaći vjerojatno jedinu lokvu masne vode i blata na 200 kilometara okolnih uređenih njemačkih parkinga. U WC-u smo se presvukli u rezervne traperice i suhe čarape, a Škot i Strela su svoje vlažne traperice umotali u najlon vrećice i spremili u prtljagu. Ja sam još razmišljao što uraditi sa svojima. Na kraju sam slegao ramenima i polako ih sa dva prsta ubacio u kantu za smeće. Kupiću nove na nekoj rasprodaji ove su ionako bile stare. Škot mi je pružio telefonsku karticu koja je za nas u to vrijeme bila "čudo tehnike", i u njemačkoj je još više od pola govornica bilo na kovanice. Namignuo mi je pokazujući ka zidu benzinske sa dvije telefonske govornice. "Zovi ti, možda budeš imao više sreće. Po zadnjem putokazu imamo malo više od dvadeset kilometara." Polako sam prišao telefonskoj govornici i opsovao. Ova je bila na kovanice. Preturao sam po džepu i izvukao dvije kovanice po jednu marku. Otipkao sam broj i čekao. Na prva tri signala se nije javio nitko potom sam čuo Gogin glas. "Halo goga Đoni je." "Baaambiiiiiiiiii je ste stigli?" Djelovala je uzbuđeno. "Na dvadeset kilometara do Hamburga dolazimo auto cestom od Bremena." "Suupeeer. Slušaj na samom početku grada na auto cesti imate veliku benzinsku sa "Faaaast Fooood" i tamo sam za pola sata na kraju parkinga bijeli BMW 315." Veza se prekinula. Sve je bilo u najboljem redu. Vratio sam se do Škota i Strele sa podignutim palcem. "Za pola sata ili tako nešto je na benzinskoj na ulazu u grad. Tražimo bijeli BMW 315 na kraju parkinga." Škot se nasmiješio i klimnuo glavom, Strela je pokazao glavom ka kafiću na benzinskoj. "Imamo vremena za jednu kavu tamo smo za petnaest minuta." Klimnuo sam glavom i krenuo ka kafiću. Konobar je bio ljubazan i napravio je dobre kave. Kupio sam kutiju cigareta iz automata. Ovdje su cigarete bile pakleno skupe i računali smo na zalihu duhana i Jugo cigareta u prtljagi. Ipak sam odahnuo i poželio to proslaviti kutijom francuskih "Gitanes". Ponudio sam cigarete. Strela je samo povukao dim i zakolutao očima. Škot se nakašljao i komentirao. "Od ovoga bi i krava pobacila." Dok smo kretali ka motorima zamijetio sam nešto čudno. Nismo ništa jeli od sinoć ali Strela nije tražio "jutarnju dozu" hrane. Očigledno je i njega pucalo što smo ipak na kraju puta. Pola sata kasnije smo pronašli benzinsku. Dok smo ulazili na parking zamijetio sam na kraju parkinga bijeli BMW 315. Parking je bio poluprazan, a BMW okrenut zadnjim dijelom prema nama. Pomislih da pri prvom susretu prilazimo "s guza". Dok sam vozio ka autu zamijetio sam otvorena vozačka vrata i nogu u čipkastoj čarapi i crnoj sandali visoke potpetice. Prišli smo na par metara do auta i zaustavili motore. Polako sam skidao kacigu sjedeći na motoru. Iz auta se pojavila druga noga pored prve i dojam čipke i sandala visoke potpetice je bio veličanstven. Potom se pojavila cura u kožnoj minici uzanoj čipkastoj bluzi i kožnom prsluku. Pomislih da smo pogriješili ova je bila sa dobrim make up-om dobrim ružem neobično plave kose i luđački zgodna dok se njihala na onim potpeticama prema nama. Nisam vjerovao da je to Goga. Ciknula je i potrčala prema meni. "Baambiiii!" Zagrlila me sa obije ruke dok sam još držao kacigu u rukama povukla prema sebi i počela ljubiti u obraz. Osjetio sam miris parfema ali neki posebni seksi miris. Pustila me i odmaknula se jedan korak skupila noge i malo savila koljena. Pljesnula je rukama. "Ne mogu vjerovati da ste stigli. Bambi vi ste ovdje!" Zamijetih da na lijevoj ruci na nadlaktici ima tetovažu. Kineski zmaj ili tako nešto. Dobro joj je pristajala. U to doba u Jugi se, u većini okruženja, cura sa tetovažom smatrala propalitetom odnosno skoro pa prostitutkom. Ovdje je to bilo drukčije. Još pri dolasku sam zamijetio više tetovaža na zgodnim ili manje zgodnim curama. Polako sam spustio nožicu i sišao sa motora. Od kada sam dodao dorađenu bočnu parkirnu nožicu na MZ-a vježbao sam taj silazak. Da djeluje nešto hladno u stilu "faca sam i na način kako silazim". Ovaj put sam djelovao sam sebi nespretan. Kacigu sam objesio na upravljač i polako se okrenuo prema Gogi. Ponovno mi se bacila u zagrljaj i udjelila mi par "pusa" svugdje po licu. Potom je otrčala do Strele i Škota i dala im po pusu u usta. Vratila se prema meni i uhvatila me za ruke potežući ih prema sebi. "Idemo ili prvo popijete kavu u Mc?" Odmahnuh glavom. Na sebi sam osjećao miris znoja, ceste i benzina. "Kavu smo popili na prošloj benzinskoj. Idemo i ako je moguće tuširamo se u tvom stanu." Poskočila je na mjestu. Potom okrećući se mahnula rukom. "Možemo i rasturiti moj stan ako vam paše. Vozim polako slijedite me." Zajahao sam i uzeo kacigu u ruke, pogledah prema Škotu i Streli. Strela mi je samo uputio topli pogled u stilu "to majstore" i navukao kacigu. Škot je uputio neki čudni osmijeh. "Casanova obriši ruž sa sebe. Imaš ga po cijelom licu." Slegao sam ramenima i navukao kacigu. Sve nedaće i Hilda su nestali iz moje glave. Tada još nisam znao da povratni pravac vozim sam. MZ je startao besprijekorno. Polako smo krenuli. Gogin BMW naprijed, ja sam je polako slijedio, a Škot i Strela su vozili paralelno iza mene. *********** Kraj prvog dijela "Jahači u magli" *************** OK OV JE KRAJ PRVOG DIJELA OD UKUPNO 3 SVI KOMENTARI ČITATELJA SU DOBRO DOŠLI :thumbleft: :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: Damir Boris hvala na komentarima, sudeći po broju pregleda prati još oko 20 - 30 osoba, a mrzovoljnih da napišu koju riječ :udrri: super štivo za na more Daj Đoni ne kakinjaj! Ili hoćeš da ti damo pismenu pohvalu?! Ljudi čitaju i niko nije jednu lošu riječ uputio. To samo znači da je pun pogodak. Ja kad vidim da je novi nastavak ne stajem sa čitanjem bez obzira što se oko mene događa. Šibaj dalje i dobil buš Coctu.. piće naše mladosti! Sent from my Mobikita! Daj Đoni ne kakinjaj! Ili hoćeš da ti damo pismenu pohvalu?! Ljudi čitaju i niko nije jednu lošu riječ uputio. To samo znači da je pun pogodak. Ja kad vidim da je novi nastavak ne stajem sa čitanjem bez obzira što se oko mene događa. Šibaj dalje i dobil buš Coctu.. piće naše mladosti! Sent from my Mobikita! Dado kritika bi dobro došla :smoke: bez kritike nema kvalitete (normalne kritike), a Coctu još uvijek rado pijem. Valjda to ide sa godinama što je dulje piješ to ti više paše :D e jbga Đoni, toliko je dobro da sam požurio na hr motori da pročitam sve, ali.... i tamo si kratak :D kod nas ovi klinci za dobru :uupss: kažu da je prepicka :evil:, tako je i ovo predobro :aplauz: sorry na vulgarnosti ali original je samo jedan :ruke: e jbga Đoni, toliko je dobro da sam požurio na hr motori da pročitam sve, ali.... i tamo si kratak :D kod nas ovi klinci za dobru :uupss: kažu da je prepicka :evil:, tako je i ovo predobro :aplauz: sorry na vulgarnosti ali original je samo jedan :ruke: Gastro hvala ali nemoguće je da post ima cca 600 pregleda, a samo 4 odgovora budući da 600 dijelim sa 10 pa dobijem 60 koji možda prate ovo. Ne trebaju pohvale ali bilo koji komentar je dobro došao - pišem budući da želim nešto ispričati, a kratak sam budući da je bilo nekih pregovora za papir ali meni neprihvatljivih uvjeta pa uskoro ide dalje :smoke: :kokice: :kokice: :kokice: Svaka cast majstore od toliko sunda sam skoro prestao citati, ovo je kurbla za dalje citanje svih tvojih i drugih romana ovog pravca. Bravo i samo nastavi :ruke: :occasion: Kad ide drugi dio :D ovo sve bolje i bolje postaje :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: :occasion: Kad ide drugi dio :D ovo sve bolje i bolje postaje :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: :occasion: Računam da tu pivu i platiš - odnosno dvije za mene i ženu moju ( :smoke: :glasses: ) ide čim budem na GO. ko to pije samo jednu pivu :D :angel: samo vi doletite, lako ćemo rješit sve ostalo :ruke: a onda želim autogram haha :belj: ko to pije samo jednu pivu :D :angel: samo vi doletite, lako ćemo rješit sve ostalo :ruke: a onda želim autogram haha :belj: Pazi se kroz Šibenik sigure prolazimo na putu za Albaniju negdje oko 15.08. pa našli još koga za vožnju ili vozim sam ... (ne bi bilo prvi put) :smoke: Moram priznat da sam 5 x skrolao i nikad karaja pa sam samo stisnuo odgovori :) neide meni to citanje ja volim opipljivo brate mili ... Slegao sam ramenima i navukao kacigu. Sve nedaće i Hilda su nestali iz moje glave. Tada još nisam znao da povratni pravac vozim sam. MZ je startao besprijekorno. Polako smo krenuli. Gogin BMW naprijed, ja sam je polako slijedio, a Škot i Strela su vozili paralelno iza mene. *********** Kraj prvog dijela "Jahači u magli" *************** "Cestom privida i stvarnosti" **************** Buđenje je bilo sa glavoboljom. Prethodnu večer smo žena i ja proveli kod zajedničkih prijatelja na roštilju. Ivan je bio moj kolega sa posla. Ivanova žena je radila sjajne delicije od povrća, a Ivan odličan roštilj. Samo sam malo više popio "domaćeg crnog". Polako sam se odvukao do kupaone i istuširao skoro hladnom vodom. Potom sam se obrijao i navukao kućni ogrtač. Dok sam stavljao kavu u "kogumicu" bilo mi je jasno. Ne mogu tek tako pustiti ovu šansu. Moram znati da li je ono u Opatiji bila Goga. Na kraju svih krajeva neki od tih događaja su odredili moj kasniji život na cesti. Šalicu kave sam popio skoro "na eks" potom sam natočio kavu u visoku šalicu dodao malo mlijeka i stavio je na pladanj. Dodao sam i čašu soka od naranče i dva prepečenca iz tostera. Mirisalo je dobro. Ubacih par žlica marmelade od marelica na tanjurić potom ga položih na pladanj. Zaputio sam se u spavaću sobu. Lidija je još bila u polu snu. Poljubih je nježno i položih pladanj do nje na ležaj. "Kava za dobro jutro." Nasmiješila se sanjivo me gledajući. "Kojim povodom sinoć si bez razloga bio loše volje?" "Da se iskupim." Pridigla se malo i poljubila me. "Donesi mi pepeljaru, molim te." Minutu kasnije sam spustio pepeljaru na noćni ormarić. Pogladio sam je po kosi i nasmiješio se. "Idem do Opatije na kavu." Mrzovoljno me pogledala. "Ponovo oni tvoji Janjevci." "Nisu moji, ja sam "Lala" to si zaboravila ali su OK dečki i paše mi popiti kavu sa njima." Mahnula je rukom u stilu "nestani". Dok sam kretao prema vratima spavaće sobe Cmoky, naš bijeli mačak i nepopravljivi "uvlakač", se pažljivo prebacio sa fotelje na krevet umiljato predući prema Lidiji. Pogledao sam ga, a on mi je vratio neki umilni pogled sa proračunatom mačjom lukavštinom u pozadini. Dok sam izlazio iz sobe dobacih preko ramena. "Koliko je ovaj tvoj mačak "čmaronja" sigurno će osvojiti "zlatni čmar godine"." Jedan prepečenac je doletio i razbio se o dovratak. Cmoky je već bio iznad ostataka radi provjere "za svaki slučaj možda je to nešto što ja volim". Petnaest minuta kasnije startao sam svoj prastari Kawasaki EN 500. Bio je malo prenizak za mene ali za izlete i vožnje do plaže je služio dobro. Krećući ka obilaznici prema Opatiji mislio sam samo jedno: "Mirjana najvjerojatnije zna tko je ona žena na terasi. Mirjana je "stari mačak" u ugostiteljskim vodama i svoje mušterije vrlo dobro poznaje, a onu ženu je pozdravila dosta prisno." Hamburg Preturao sam po čistim čarapama i odabrao par sivih sportskih. Osjetio sam da je nešto skriveno u dvostruko presavijenim čarapama. Sjetih se da je to vrećica duhana. Polako sam izvadio vrećicu sa duhanom i odnio je do zajedničke veće najlon vrećice u kutu sobe. U velikoj najlon vrećici su počivale kutije cigareta i vrećice duhana. Prije polaska na put smo se raspitali i doznali da je kutija cigareta u njemačkoj oko četiri marke pa smo nakupovali cigarete i švercani hercegovački duhan te to "strateški rasporedili" po onih par majica i donjeg roblja koje smo nosili "kako bi zahebali carinu". Odmjerio sam sadržaj vrećice i zaključio da "će izdržati najveći dio boravka". Polako sam navukao čarape i vratio se u dnevni boravak Goginog stana. Na kožnom trosjedu je ležao Strela. Škot je upravo tražio neku radio postaju na "Sony" HiFi uređajima u staklenom ormariću. Strela je podigao pogled prema meni i nasmiješio se, očigledno je obilan doručak podigao njegovo raspoloženje na "viši nivo". "Kamo gibamo danas? Može onaj sastanak sa prijateljima mojih matoraca kako bih to odradio i bio miran." Dan prije smo se svi javili telefonom doma u stilu "da smo živi i zdravi i čujemo se za par dana". Strelina mama je Streli objasnila da je "tata nazvao poslovnog poznanika iz njemačke, koji živi u Hamburgu, pa da navrati i javi se, ovaj će mu sve pomoći što treba, a naročito "da se jadno dijete u tuđini snađe". Nismo to komentirali ali bilo nam je jasno ako ne želimo "uzbunu uspaničene mamice" da se moramo javiti na taj broj telefona i popričati sa nekim nijemcem na nekom piću kavi ili što već. Škot se polako podigao od onog HiFi i pogledao nas. Meni je uputio neki čudan pogled potom se nasmiješio u svom starom stilu i posegnuo rukom u džep. "Danas idemo autom. Goga nam je pustila svoj BMW prije nego je otišla sa frendicom na posao. Voze naizmjenično svaki tjedan druga. Sada je red na frendici pa je auto nama na raspolaganju." Pogledao sam u ponosno podignute ključeve i suzdržao se od komentara. Žalac ljubomore je proradio i pokušavao sam ga sakriti što dublje u sebi, zakopati negdje i zaboraviti. Škot je bio moj prijatelj i na kraju on je jutros ustao rano skuhao kavu i spremio doručak za sve, nije ni čudo što je Goga pustila njemu ključeve još prije nego smo mi "izvukli zadnjice iz krpa". Sa druge strane sličilo je na nastavak mog "lošeg početka". Dok smo vozili prema Hamburgu nisam pomišljao na Gogu kao seksualni objekt. Jednostavno bila mi je prijateljica koju će mi biti drago vidjeti. Nakon susreta na parkingu gledao sam je drugim očima. Prvi dojam je bio "obara sa nogu". Duge noge u čipkastim čarapama, platforma sandale na visoku potpeticu, kožna minica i prsluk uz tetovažu na goloj nadlaktici i čipkastu bluzu bez rukava, fantazija. Dok smo vozili ka Goginom stanu pojavila mi se jaka želja da osjeća "nešto više" prema meni od običnog prijateljstva. Stan je bio specifično uređen sa kožnom garniturom, hifi uređajima, tv-om i videorekorderom u dnevnom boravku. Na zidovima su se smjenjivali posteri i uljane slike, pejzaži i aktovi. Smjestila nas je svu trojicu u jednu od dvije spavaće sobe, Škot i Strela su odabrali bračni ležaj a ja madrac na podu. Nakon tuširanja i presvlačenja dočekao nas je stol prepun raznih delicija te bokal filter kave i boca viskija, na stolu u blagavaoni. Ostatak dana smo proveli u razgovoru smijehu potezanju iz boce koja je ubrzo ostala prazna pa smo otvorili novu. Zajednički smo spremali paštu i tri različite vrste umaka uz istu. Sve je bilo razdragano i ispunjeno smijehom i zabavom. Goga je skinula sandale i kožni prsluk pa je ostala samo u kožnoj minici i crnim čipkastim čarapama i bluzi ispod koje se nazirao crni grudnjak. Bila je stvarno oličenje seksualnosti, a onaj potišteni izgled i praznina u očima su nestali. Izgledala je kao da udiše život "punim plućima i bez ikakvih opterećenja". Nije niti bilo razloga da bude drugačije. Goga je živjela u iznajmljenom "gradskom stanu" sa garažom. Najamnina gradskih stanova je bila niska, a plaća voditelja grupe u tvornici poliakrila visoka, pa je računica bila jasna. Bilo mi je drago što joj je život krenuo dobro. Mi smo već osjećali tugu pada standarda u Jugoslaviji i pitao sam se da li nisam pogriješio oko "odlaska u inozemstvo". Goga se sjajno zabavljala. Smijala se non stop na svaku i najgluplju foru. Smjestio sam se u fotelji naspram velikog tv- a, a Goga je ubacila video kazetu sa koncerta "Guns and roses" te zvuk prebacila na hifi. Bili smo u "svom elementu". Goga mi je u jednom trenutku sjela u krilo i uhvatila me sa obije ruke za kosu okrečući mi glavu lijevo i desno. "Hei tako mi je drago da ste kod mene luđaci jedni." Glas joj je zvučao iskreno. Polako sam joj spustio ruku sa vanjske strane na nad koljenice na tu prekrasnu čipku i pustio je da me poteže za uši i čupa za kosu. Bio sam u transu. Minutu kasnije je ustala i dala puse u obraz Škotu i Streli potom odskakutala do kuhinje da donese još leda i "vatrene vode". Kako je večer odmicala histerija se smirila. Razgovor je postao tiši i više usmjeren ka tome "kako je u jugi i jesu konačno ukinuli bonove za benzin" (ukinuti znatno prije ali očigledno nije znala) i "koji dio jadrana treba obvezno vidjeti". Bio sam ponosan iz priče je bilo jasno da je znala za naše dvo mjesečno putovanje od Zemuna preko Bosne do Pule pa preko cijele Jadranske magistrale do Ulcinja te preko Crne Gore natrag za Zemun. "Od kuda znaš za to?" Pitao sam stvarno iz radoznalosti. Pogledala me nekim vragolastim pogledom. "Bosa mi ispričala." Klimnuo sam glavom bez komentara. Već sam zamijetio nešto što nisam htio sebi priznati. Goga je Strelu gledala pogledom "starije sestre" što ovome nije smetalo već je nastojao biti samo ljubazan i ugodan. Prema meni je iskazivala nešto čudno i nedefinirano između poštivanja i divljenja. Škota je više puta pogledala ispod oka onim pogledom "zainteresirane žene". Prije polaska na spavanje joj položih ruku na rame ali mi je samo uvalila brzu pusu u usta i nestala u svojoj spavaćoj sobi. Dok sam slagao one njemačke deke na madrac na podu pogledao sam Škota i Strelu na bračnom ležaju. Strela se već stručno umotao u deke i ležao zatvorenih očiju ali Škot mi je uzvratio pogled čudan i turoban. Do jutra sam sve zaboravio. Nedjelju prije podne smo obilazili i razgledali Hamburg odnosno samo "par osnovnih točki" kako se Goga izrazila. Prije polaska smo sa Goginog telefona obavili minimalne razgovore sa "onima doma". Tako je Strela dobio "domaću zadaću". Strela je pitao Gogu "da li može obaviti još jedan razgovor" na što je ova začuđeno klimnula glavom i prokomentirala. "Bez ograničenja zovite koga hoćete i koliko hoćete." Potom je odnijela kavu i poslužavnik sa kolačima u dnevni boravak, gdje smo se nakon doručka smjestili. Bila je puna energije i dok smo pili kavu ispitivala je Škota o našem "dugom putu" po jadranu. Škot je nastojao biti maksimalno šarmantan ali ništa više. Pričao je dogodovštine dodajući humor i cinične komentare. Goga je gledala ispod oka u njegovom pravcu i smijala se povremeno samo ubacujući "ma daj". Prvi put sam ugušio žalac ljubomore pojašnjavajući samome sebi "da moj ego nije iznad realne situacije". Strela je upao u sobu i pogledao Škota. "Pričao sam sa Mirom ona je super i želi nam ugodan provod ali kaže da bi se ti trebao javiti Ljilji navodno nisi od kada smo pošli." Škot ga je oštro pogledao i produljio razgovor sa Gogom. Goga je na sebi imala kratke hlaće majicu bez rukava i natikače. Na listu lijeve noge je imala drugu tetovažu u kineskom stilu. Sjedila je na trosjedu do mene u nekoj joga pozi oslanjajući se podlakticama na koljena i fiksirala Škota. Strela je zbunjeno uzeo kolač sa tanjura i sjeo na drugu fotelju. Žvakao je više mehanički nego "sa svojim poznatim guštom". Pogledao je zbunjeno u mom pravcu, a ja sam mu namignuo. Nakon kave i kolača smo krenuli u obilazak Goginim autom. Goga je vozila oštro ali sigurno dosta poštivajući prometne propise. Objasnila je da su "ovdje" kazne za prometne prekršaje dosta visoke i da se nitko ne igra puno sa tim. Sviđalo mi se kako "mota" teški BMW između auta i bez problema parkira na svakom dostupnom mjestu. Upitah je kada je položila. Nasmiješila se i objasnila da nema niti pune dvije godine. Pokazala nam je centar grada, "San Paoli" sa "crvenim svijetlima kupleraja" i par povijesnih spomenika. Nakon kave na nekom poznatom mjestu gdje su se prije drugog rata okupljali umjetnici svih kalibara Goga je predložila "da odemo na neko od umjetnih jezera van grada na kasniji ručak/večeru" što ona časti. Prihvatili smo bez razmišljanja, na kraju i došli smo da bi vidjeli "što se više može". Dok smo prilazili autu Škot je pitao "da li može malo u životu isprobati i BMW-a". Goga mu je dobacila ključeve uz smješak. "Naravno voljela bih te vidjeti kako voziš". Ubacili smo se u auto. Prednje sjedalo do vozača je prešutno "po pravilu" bilo rezervirano za mene budući da sam imao "najduže krake". Ovaj put je Goga podigla naslon i smjestila me na zadnje sjedalo do Strele, sama se ubacujući na prednje suvozačko. Ljubazno me pogledala i pomakla sjedalo naprijed oslobađajući mi prostor za koljena. Nisam komentirao. Dok je Škot vozio Goga mu je davala upute i smijala se na sve njegove izjave. Strela je djelovao zbunjeno, a ja sam ostao hladan i nastojao ubaciti po koju veselu dosjetku. Nisam želio izgubiti niti jednoga od njih dvojice kao prijatelje "ni po koju cijenu". Večera na jezeru je protekla veselo i sa dvije boce Španjolskog vina. Škot je vozio nazad, a svi smo vikali "brže" i "zgazi ga" te slične gluposti dok je na dijelu auto ceste BMW dostizao na brzinomjeru brojku 170. Prije svih sam legao na svoj madrac. Dok je Strela ulazio u krevet namještajući deke samo je dobacio: "Noćka Đoni." Škot je polako sjeo na rub kreveta i namignuo mi potom samo legao ne pokrivajući se. Bio mi je čudan. Prije nego sam zaspao zapisah u pod memoriji da se sutra javim Bosi. Suzana Zamazana Strela se vratio sa telefona. Pogledao je Škota. "Javio sam se i svojoj Miri pozdravila nas i pita zašto se ti uopće ne javljaš Ljilji, od one noći u motelu nije te čula." Škot ga razdraženo pogleda. "Strela to je moja stvar ako si popizdio za Mirom ne uplići mene u to." Strela pogleda prema meni. Pogledah ga i namignuh. Skužio je. Prišao je Škotu i položio mu ruku na rame. "Sorry samo prenosim što mi je Mira rekla. Nadalje onaj tatin prijatelj nijemac nas zove na večeru sve zajedno na nekom jezeru u okolici, zapisao sam, mislim da je to onaj isti restoran gdje smo bili sinoć. Odradimo to i miran sam od mojih "roditelja davitelja". Škot ga pogleda ozbiljno ali meko. "Može ali pokupimo Gogu pa da ide sa nama na večeru nakon posla." Klimnuh glavom, a Strela se samo nasmiješio. Pet minuta kasnije smo provjerili motore parkirane uza zid garaže i potrpali se u auto. Pravac smo dogovorili po planu grada i okolice, debljoj knjižici koju nam je Goga pripremila. Pri polasku iz garaže Škot je otvorio prozor auta i zatulio imitirajući "Otkačenog" (Oddball), tenkistu iz filma "Keely's Heroes". Film je posljednjih par godina bio vrlo popularan u ekipi. Vozili smo se polako ulicama razgledajući zgrade i zagledajući cure u prolazu, ako bi nam se mjesto svidjelo jednostavno bi potražili neki parking u blizini i stali "u detaljan pregled". Popili smo po pivo u nekoj kavani u starom njemačkom stilu. Nije nam se svidjela, unutra su uglavnom visili neki njemački "fosili". Škot je bio u elementu i dobre volje. "Zaboravili smo da svi mladi ovdje rade, a sada je radno vrijeme. Idemo pogledati neku rasprodaju možda nađemo nešto što nam paše." Nakon pola sata traženja pronašli smo veliki tržni centar sa parkingom na tri nivoa. Upali smo u "potrošački raj trulog kapitalizma" razgledavajući sve ono čega u "naprednom socijalizmu" nije bilo ili bilo u vrlo malim količinama. U odjelu informatike zagledali smo za nas tada novo čudo tehnike i po cijeni nedostižno PC računalo. Bacili smo se na nabavku malih disketa za comodore i spectrum računala, sa kojima smo Škot i ja raspolagali. Police sa video igricama smo obišli i detaljno proučili. Na jednom od katova je počivao odjel moto opreme. Sa tugom smo ga nakon sat razgledavanja i prebrojavanja napustili kako bi pogledali nove LP ploče i kazete. Pri pauzi smo u nekom fast food pojeli Hot dog i popili jednu pivu na tri čaše. Škot je bio izrazito dobre volje kako je dan odmicao ali Strela je postajao pomalo šutljiviji. Dok smo brisali prste o papirni stoljnjak u fast food-u Škot ga bocnu prstom. "Strela koji ti je vrag ušutao si se ko Djoni kada smo dolazili što te muči?" Strela je malo pošutao gledajući u stol potom nas pogledao redom u oči. "Dečki sa vama mi je super i ovaj put je super i sve ide više nego dobro ali mislim na Miru. Proveli smo samo jednu noć zajedno i krenuli smo na ovaj put sada mi nedostaje. Jutros smo se čuli i to me muči malo je i živčana. Dva puta me pitala gdje smo i što radimo kada se ti Škot ne javljaš Ljilji uopće." Škot je polako spljoštio plastičnu čašu za pivu prstima i duboko udahnuo. "Strela tebi za ljubav nazvaću Ljilju i pokušati sve smiriti čim se vratimo u stan. Već neko vrijeme mi se čini da nije za mene. Krenuo sam na put i zaključio da mi uopće ne fali niti mislim na nju. Moraću joj to objasniti kada se vratimo ali ću je sada radi tebe nazvati i smiriti." Osjetio sam olakšanje, one napetosti je nestalo i sve je između nas bilo po starom. Ludovali smo još neko vrijeme po ulicama Hamburga potom se zaputili u stan da dočekamo Gogu sa posla. Čim smo ušli Škot je otišao do telefona. Nas dvojica smo diskretno zatvorili vrata hodnika i nasuli si po čašu vodke koja je uvijek stajala u hladnjaku. Polako smo pijuckali i slušali neku country glazbu. Opušteno smo promatrali sunce kroz prozor. Strela je gledao nekamo kroz prozor potom mi se iznenada obratio. "Znaš Đoni meni je stvarno stalo do Mire. Ne mislim to kao prije ono "plešem ratni ples oko nje dok mi ne da pičke". Mira mi paše kao kompletna osoba. Ne vjerujem da bih ovdje odolio da "uhvatim nešto sa strane" ali sve jedno mi je. Ne želim izgubiti Miru." Otišao sam po bocu i bez riječi nam natočio još votke. Bocu sam pustio na stoliću. Kucnuli smo se. "Strela svi mi tražimo "tu neku osobu" i bilo bi mi drago da si je ti našao." Nasmiješio mi se i ispili smo. Pogledah ka vratima. Iz hodnika smo još čuli Škotov tihi glas. Nismo čuli što govori, nije nas ni zanimalo. On je znao sa ženama, znao ih je uvjeriti u što god hoće. Klimnuo sam glavom. "Goga će ovaj mjesec imati malo veći račun za telefon i alkohol." Nasmijali smo se. Strela je odmahnuo rukom. "Kako sam skužio ima plaću preko tri tisuće maraka. Neće to nju puno uzdrmati vidio si kako je ovdje hrana jeftina kao kod nas, a njena plaća deset prosječnih jugo radničkih plaća." Škot je ušao u sobu. Zamjetio je bocu i potegao direktno iz iste. Kada je vratio na stolić pljesnuo je Strelu po ramenu. "Sve ok, smirio sam Ljilju dok se ne vratimo. Javit ću joj se još koji put pa budi miran." Zapalio je cigaretu. Meni se upalila žarulja. Planirao sam danas nazvati Bosu. Pogledao sam na sat. Bilo je oko 18 sati. Vreme je ok, vjerojatno se vratila sa posla. Izašao sam u hodnik prišao telefonu i okrenuo broj. Prvi put sam pogriješio. Trebalo je dodati nulu ispred prvog broja tako se dobivao puni pozivni broj za grad. Okrenuo sam ponovno. Prvi signal. Ok pogodio sam. Nakon petog signala kada sam već pomišljao spustiti slušalicu javio se njemački tvrdi veseli ženski glas. "Daa, dobili ste stan slobodnih mislilaca i neradnika, kako ne želimo biti doma nakon zvučnog signala pustite poruku i ne obraćajte pažnju što se zvučni signal stalno ponavlja kao tuu, tuu, tut, nismo spustili slušalicu." Slijedio je veseli smijeh. Pokušah na svom lošem njemačkom. "Ispričavam se ali samo bih želio razgovarati sa Bosom ako sam dobio pravi broj telefona." Kratka pauza potom zbunjeni glas. "Oprostite mislila sam da je kolegica sa posla, počekajte malo pozvaću je." Začuli su se koraci i netko je podigao slušalicu. "Halo Bosa Đoni je." "Bambii, nemoj reći da si u Njemačkoj." "Već treći dan kod Goge smo." "Treći dan i nisi se do sada javio. Stvarno si prase. Znači onaj Škotlanđanin i Strelac su sa tobom. Super. Nadam se da nađeš vremena da se vidimo." "Obavezno mislio sam i danas ali Strela ima neke obveze prema poslovnim partnerima njegovih staraca pa ako može sutra." "Može. Doći će mo po tebe nakon posla. Ono ludo prase Petru si već upoznao tako da je neću morati posebno predstavljati." "Onu što nešto glumi? "Ma pusti je, postavili su prve telefonske sekretarice na poslu pa sada kod svakog javljanja na telefon glumi telefonsku sekretaricu, otkačen stvor ali mislim da će te se kao dva luđaka ipak dobro uklopiti." "Vjerujem da hoćemo. Imam tvoju adresu ali mislim da je to dosta dalje od Hamburga. Pa reci gdje da dođem?" "Ahernsburg je Samo 50 km od centra Hamburga. Kako misliš doći?" "Motorom." "OK vrati se od Goge prema auto cesti, ubaci se na obilaznicu oko Hamburga i skreni na cestu 75 potom samo ravno. Treba ti oko 40 minuta od Goge do ulaska u Ahernsburg. Čekamo te na ulasku u 18 sati. Može?" "Sada moram do kuhinje da vidim što mi je Petra zabrljala sa ručkom dok sam pričala. Veselim ti se. Ciao." Veza se prekinula. Krenuo sam prema sobi i začuo ključ u bravi. Goga je veselo upala na vrata stana. "Đonii." Okačila je jaknu i dala mi pusu u usta. Brzo je ušla u dnevni boravak i dala pusu Streli u obraz, a Škotu u usta. Samo ova pusa kod Škota kao da je malo dulje potrajala. Slegao sam ramenima, već sam zakopao svaku nadu i ljubomoru. Škot je bio majstor za skontati žensku. Bacio sam se na fotelju i natočio si novu votku. Škot je objasnio Gogi da trebamo biti oko osam sati na ulazu u restoranu "Pirate" na jezeru. Veselo je klimnula glavom. "To je restoran malo dalje od onoga gdje smo bili sinoć. Krenimo oko sedam." Potom je dohvatila bocu sa votkom i otpila dobar gutljaj. Malo se zagrcnula i nasmiješila Škotu. Škot je dohvatio bocu i nazdravio joj. Strela je gledao kroz prozor. Ja sam otišao da HiFI i pojačao onu country glazbu. Dobro im ide pomislio sam. Stigli smo petnaest minuta ranije pa smo "bacili mali đir" po obali. Goga nam je objasnila da se na ovom dijelu može raditi roštilj u za to predviđenim zidanim roštiljima i svirati gitara navečer ako nisi previše bučan. Znala je tu sa ekipom navratiti. Potom je pljesnula rukama. "Upoznaćete ih ovaj vikend i napravit ćemo roštilj ovdje. Vidi tamo za roštiljom su neki naši sudeći harmonici." Zadnje je dodala tiho. Pogledah u pravcu gdje je pokazivala. Pet metara od nas ekipa od dvije žene i četiri muškarca se muvala oko roštilja. Na travi je ležala harmonika sa malom Jugoslavenskom zastavom nalijepljenom na kutiju. Sa roštilja je dopirao miris mesa, a gajba pive je ležala pored deke očigledno namijenjene za sjedenje. Boca je kružila po ekipi. Razaznah riječi "domaća", "dobra" i "sretan rođendan". Polako smo se zaputili ka ulazu u restoran. Dok smo kretali začuo se zvuk harmonike i lagani pljesak. Na moje zadovoljstvo nije bila neka od novokomponiranih narodnih već "Ribara starog kći". Herman i Sofija su nas čekali na ulazu u restoran. Herman je bio ugodni stari gospodin od oko sedamdeset godina. Sofija je bila desetak godina mlađa visoka plava dobro obučena i zgodna dama. Strela nas je sve predstavio na svom tarzan english. Ljubazno su nas pozdravili i objasnili da je stol rezerviran u dijelu bez glazbe, tako da možemo pričati, ako želimo prebacit će se u dio sa glazbom. Odbili smo, nije nam se slušala glazba sa zvučnika po tuđem izboru. Dok smo kretali Herman je odmjerio Gogu u laganoj majici, traper minici, mrežastim čarapama i cipelama visoke pete. Očigledno je skretala pažnju na sebe. Gospođa Sofija se samo nasmiješila odmahujući glavom. Dio bez glazbe je bila terasa okrenuta prema onom dijelu plaže gdje su tridesetak metara dalje naši "zemljaci" slavili nešto. Dok smo sjedali za stol dopirali su do nas zvuci harmonike i lagana pjesma "Osam tamburaša". Lik je stvarno svirao dobro. Goga se ubacila između Škota i Hermana, Strelu je zapalo između Hermana i Sofije, ja sam sjedio do Sofije naspram Škota i Goge. Herman je ponudio jelovnike i rekao da kao njegovi gosti biramo. Savijetovao je ribu ili "Argentinski Biftek". Krenulo je sa aperitivom. Na početku je bilo malo nategnuto no nakon dva aperitiva je sve postalo opuštenije. Kada je predjelo stiglo na stol već je pala prva boca vina, Goga je preuzela ulogu općeg prevoditelja, a ekipa vani je postala malo glasnija uz harmoniku. Goga je vješto podigla atmosferu. Kod druge boce vina gospođa Sofia je odbila uz obrazloženje da ona vozi doma "kako bi Hermi mogao popiti koju". Goga je pogledala Škota i nasmijala mu se. "OK ti popij, ja vozim doma." Škot joj je nazdravio čašom. Kada su se kucnuli zamijetih da mu je jedna ruka nestala sa stola. Poznajući taj pokret bilo mi je jasno da ta ruka počiva na Goginom koljenu u crnim čarapama. Herman je postao opušteniji pričajući svoje doživljaje iz trgovine sa SSSR-om. Ona ekipa je već bila na Makedonskim pjesmama i jasno smo čuli "Makedonsko devojče". Kada je stiglo glavno jelo i nova boca crnog vina oni na plaži su postali malo glasniji i svirali su "Ako umram il zaginam". Škotova ruka nje se pojavljivala ispod stola sve dok nije morao uzeti vilicu uz glavno jelo. Sofia je slušala glazbu i riječi koji su dopirali sa plaže. Pitala je da li je to jugo glazba, Goga joj je odgovorila da je. Gospođa se nije zbunila poslušala je ono "Ako umram il zaginem nemojte me žalate" i pitala Gogu o čemu pjeva pjesma. Goga je objasnila u par riječi, u među razdoblju Škotova ruka je ponovno nestala pod stolom. Ovaj put je i nešto tiho rekao Gogi. Ona mu se nasmiješila. Ekipa na plaži je malo utihnula vjerojatno radi one boce rakije koja je kružila uz pivo. Sudeći po Škotovom izrazu lica ruka mu nije počivala na Goginom koljenu već malo više. Zapalio sam cigaretu i potegao gutljaj vina iz čaše. Strela se pravio da ništa ne vidi i natucao neki engleski sa Hermanom. Goga je polako naslonila glavu na Škotovo rame. Oni na plaži ponovno su počeli samo glasnije lijepo se čula prva strofa koju su uz harmoniku zajedno pjevali. "Oj Suzana zana zana zamazana zana zana, al je krasan pogled oka tvog!" Sofia se nagnula slušajući i klimnula glavom. "Lijepo zvuči isto vaša pjesma?" Goga i Škot su se isključili od ostatka svijeta sjedeli su bez riječi ona naslonjena na njegovo rame, a on sa pogledom na plažu bez naznaka da je čuo bilo što. Pitao sam se do kuda je dospio sa rukom. Sofija je ostala bez odgovora pa se okrenula prema meni budući da je skužila da nešto govorim njemački. Klimnuh glavom. "Da gospođo." Sa plaže je sada harmonika postala glasnija, a dva ženska glasa su pjevala. "Oj Suzana moraš mi reći što ti je trbuh sve veći i veći?" Dečki su preuzeli refren. "Oj Suzana zana zana zamazana zana zana al je krasan pogled oka tvog." Sofija je njihala glavom u ritmu glazbe. Cure na plaži su krenule dalje. "Mila majko jedne je noći Ive želio da ga umoči." Cijela ekipa sa plaže je krenula sa slijedećom strofom. "O teško meni, o teško meni, Ivek mora sad da se ženi." Sofia me pogledala. "Gospon Đoni kakva je to pjesma?" I dalje je njihala glavom u ritmu glazbe. Reagirao sam refleksno. "Ljubavna gospođo." "Ooo, tako lijepo zvuči." Ekipa sa plaže je izbacila još jednom refren "Suzanu zamazanu" i jedan muški glas je preuzeo slijedeću strofu. "Punica draga nek niš ne pita za njenu ćerku boli me kita." Nakon toga su svi zapjevali. "Punice draga imaj na umu da Ivek uvijek koristi gumu. I to je curo o braku tvome ja sa sobom nosim kondome." Krenulo je još jednom "Suzana zamazana" praćeno salvom smijeha. Sofija me začuđeno pogledala. "O čemu pjevaju u toj pjesmi?" Našao sam se na trenutak u zabuni nakon toga ispalih gledajući u Gogu i Škota. "Oni bi trebali dobiti dijete i realizirati brak ali to nije moguće iz tehničkih razloga, mislim okolice." Goga se iznenada uključila u ovaj svijet. Slušala je moj loš njemački i začuđeno me pogledala. Sofija me gledala još čudnije. "Gospon Džoni zašto se oni pjevači na kraju smiju kada je to sa ljubavi tužno?" Pogledao sam je uz smiješak. "Ipak se sve dobro završi samo mi je teško na lošem njemačkom to objasniti." Polako je klimnula glavom dok je Goga gledala u mene sa iznenađenjem. "Recite mi samo još jednom kako se zove ta pjesma?" Gledajući u Gogu točio sam si vino u čašu, polako izgovorih. "Suzana zamazana." Goga me pogledala onim svojim pogledom i brzo dobacila smiješeći se. "Ti si stvarno lud." Škot me mrko odmjerio, a Sofija mi se nasmiješila. "Zapamtit ću to je lijepa melodija." Herman je popio koju više i udavio Strelu svojim pričama na engleskom skužio sam samo u jednom dijelu da hvali Strelinog tatu kao vrlo sposobnog. Ja sam popio koju više i ispričao se sa Sofijom koja je ispala ugodna gospođa sa burnim doživljajima iz mladosti. Bio sam hladan što se tiče Goge. Nije me više to pogađalo ali me je Škot par puta čudno pogledao. Na kraju večeri je policija upozorila ekipu na plaži da budu tihi. Herman je zlatnom vizom platio račun i dugo su se pozdravljali sa nama. Sofija mu je pomogla do auta. Mahali smo im dok su kretali, a svatko je u ruci držao Hermanovu vizitku. Zaputili smo se ka autu. Škot i Goga zagrljeni. Na pola puta do auta su stali i počeli se ljubiti kao da ne zamjećuju ništa oko sebe. Strela i ja smo se pravili da ništa ne vidimo. Kada smo krenuli Goga je vozila, a Škot je držao za koljeno kada je to bilo moguće. Prije nego je ubacila kazetu u radio okrenula se prema meni. "Suzana Zamazana i još k tome to prodaješ kao ljubavnu pjesmu." Škot se počeo smijati. Goga je raspalila po plinu dok je iz radija glasno svirao Dire Straits - "Sultans Of Swing". Popili smo još jednu za laku noć. Škot i Goga su nestali u Goginoj spavaćoj sobi. Strela me pogledao. Podigao sam čašu. "Živjeli, ispijemo ovu pa idemo u krpe." Strela je klimnuo glavom. Dok sam se pakirao u vreću za spavanje na svom madracu Strela je dobacio. "Sada možeš i na ležaj ima dovoljno mjesta." "Hvala stari ali znaš ono "ja jesam peder ali nisi moj tip"." Nasmijao se. Pet minuta kasnije čuo sam kako duboko diše. Njega situacija sa Gogom i Škotom nije uzbuđivala. Meni je bilo žao radi onog "Suzana zamazana". Na svu sreću nije se ljutila. Oboje su mi prijatelji neka im je sa srećom. Nasmijao se. Pet minuta kasnije čuo sam kako duboko diše. Njega situacija sa Gogom i Škotom nije uzbuđivala. Meni je bilo žao radi onog "Suzana zamazana". Na svu sreću nije se ljutila. Oboje su mi prijatelji neka im je sa srećom. Kako je kome suđeno Ušli smo u stan i sjeli za stol. Boljelo me je cijelo tijelo i vapio sam za krevetom. Škot je otišao do hladnjaka i izvadio bocu votke. Goga je pazila da uvijek bude jedna boca u hladnjaku. Pogotovu zadnja tri dana. Škot je natočio svima i ispili smo. Polako je izvukao lovu i položio je na stol. Mala gomilica njemačkih maraka. Bile su sve stotice. "Zaslužili smo." Bio je jedini komentar. Polako je uzeo novac i počeo ga dijeliti na tri kupa. Radio je to u šali i sa zadovoljstvom. Slagao je po sustavu "jedna tebi jedna meni jedna njemu". Izbrojio sam svoj dio dok je dijelio. Šesto maraka. Malo bogatstvo. Za ovo se moglo kupiti nešto ili produljiti put za tjedan dva. Tko zna gdje bi smo mogli stići. Pogledah Škota. "Bilo je dogovoreno tisuću i petsto na nas tri. Otkuda sada tristo maraka više." Nasmiješio se i polako šibicom zapalio cigaretu. "Horst je bio zadovoljan obavljenim poslom i častio je svakoga sa po sto maraka. Nema vremena da nas izvede u restoran pa je dao lovu. Očigledno je dobro zaradio na nama." Strela je duboko uzdahnuo. "Zaslužili smo. Bilo je to jebenih tri dana." Dan nakon one večere smo sjedili i igrali poker. Škot je odbijao poći nekamo bez Goge pa smo je čekali da se vrati sa posla. Ja sam ionako imao namjeru otići na onaj sastanak sa Bosom. Goga je došla ranije. Upala je u stan i dugo Ljubila Škota. Potom je kritički odmjerila karte, gomilu čikova u pepeljari i prazne limenke piva. Okrenula se prema meni. "Đoni pisao si mi, jedan put, da ste radili kod vulkanizera?" "Radili smo više puta. Zašto?" Držeći Škota za ruku objasnila je da je prijatelj njene poznanice u problemima. Imao je svađalačku narav i napustila su ga dva radnika upravo kada je dobio veliki posao za jednu od glavnih taksi firmi u Hamburgu. Nije se nadao tom poslu, a upravo ga je dobio. Sada mora zamijeniti gume na više auta u roku od tri dana. Traži bilo koga za pomoć, na crno još bolje. Njemački radnici ne vole prekovremene, a ovdje će se raditi "dan i noć". Počinje se večeras i do petka u podne sve mora biti gotovo. Spreman je platiti po petsto maraka svakome za tri dana. Pogledali smo se. To je za nas bila lova. Škot je poljubio Gogu. "U igri smo." Otkazao sam sastanak sa Bosom. Javila se Petra, Bosa je na poslu, a ona je došla malo ranije da spremi nešto za jelo. Djelovala je zbunjeno kada sam objasnio da "imam neki posao i ne mogu doći ali da se javim i sve objasnim". Ok nazvat će Bosu i objasniti da je otkazano. Pola sata kasnije bili smo u vulkanizerskoj radionici. Vlasnik je bio niski debeli njemac po imenu Horst. Visoki mršavi mladić koji nije prekidao posao je bio njegov sin. Vani je bilo parkirano pet mercedesa 190, krem boje, sa natpisom TAXI na bočnim stranicama. Objasnio je da je neka inspekcija pregledala gume na vozilima i masno kaznila firmu radi par "sumnjivih" guma. Uprava je poludjela i odlučila na pola vozila staviti nove gume. Bilo je to jeftinije od nove kazne. Vozila će nam dovoziti na kraju smjene i u najkraćem roku moramo zamjeniti gume. Pokazao je glavom ka planinskom vijencu novih guma, uredno poslaganih svugdje po radionici. Posao može ali prvo da vidi kako radimo. Odmjerio nas je otišao do malog ureda sa staklenim zidovima i donio tri čista radna kombinezona. Meni je kombinezon bio malo kraći, a preširok. Slijedeći dani su se pretvorili u auto gume. Radili smo do kasno. Nas trojica smo skidali kotače, skidali gume i montirali nove. Horst i sin bi pregledali svaki kotač sa novom gumom i izvršili balansiranje. Osobno su postavljali kotače na aute. Auti su stizali u grupama od tri do pet i činilo se da nikada neće prestati. Radilo se do kasno u noć. Ovo jutro mi se činilo da neću ustati, sve me boljelo. Oko podneva nije više bilo auta, a gomile novih guma su bile zamijenjene starim gumama. Horst je rekao da je posao gotov. Skinuli smo prljave poderane radne kombinezone i oprali se. Škot je otišao po lovu. Nama se nije dalo, sjedeli smo na motorima i čekali ga. Sada sam gledao u novčanice na stolu, oni bolovi su počeli popuštati, a i umor je bio nekako manji. Pokupih novac i ubacih ga u džep traperica. "Sada možemo i malo produljiti put?" Strela je slegnuo ramenima. "Ja bih nazad kako je planirano ali ako ste vas dvojica ..." Strela je obavio još jedan telefonski razgovor sa "ljubavnom središnjicom" i bio je smireniji. Izgleda da je "situacija bila pod kontrolom". Škot me oštro pogleda. "Đoni da to pustimo par dana, poslije odlučimo." Klimnuo sam glavom i otišao pod tuš. Presvukao sam majicu i promatrao traperice na sebi. Bile su pomalo prljave stvarno je vrijeme da nabavim nove i ubacim ove u perilicu. Nazvao sam Bosu na posao. Pri prošlom telefonskom dala mi je broj na poslu. "Halo, ovaj put dolazim samo reci kada?" "Super šest sati isto mjesto kao i prošli put. Petri će biti drago radoznala je da te vidi." Sve je štimalo. Bacili smo se na karte i coca colu. Goga je upala ranije puna energije i vesela. Bacila je veliku plastičnu vrećicu na Škota. "Poklon iznenađenje!" Dugo su se ljubili. Škot je nakon toga iz vrećice izvukao kožnu jaknu i isprobao je. Bila je nešto između motociklističke i sportske. Crna kratka jakna završavala je kožnim remenom. Stvarno je izgledala super. Dok je Kuhala paštu Goga je veselo objasnila da je zakazala večeras sa nekom ekipom izlazak u disko bar "Western Gold". Bit će dvije prijateljice i jedan poznanik. Namignula je ka Streli i meni. Tada je zazvonio telefon. Goga je postavila paštu na stol u blagavonici i otrčala do telefona. Veselo se javila ali je glas ubrzo postao tih pa ljutit. Uspio sam razaznati malo njemačkog. Zvučalo je u stilu "to je riješeno tako mora biti" i "ne prijeti mi". Iznenada je zalupila slušalicu i otrčala u spavaću sobu. Zalupila je vrata. Škot je otišao za njom. Pogledali smo se. Strela me upitno promatrao. "Nisam ništa skužio, neka rasprava." Sjedeli smo i čekali. U jednom trenutku je iz spavaće sobe dopirao Gogin malo histeričan povišeni glas. Potom je sve utihnulo. Pašta je stajala na stolu već hladna. Strela je otišao do hladnjaka po pivo, a ja sam pustio glazbu. Sjedeli smo i čekali povremeno potežući pivo. Konačno je Škot izašao iz sobe. Sjeo je za stol i odmjerio nas. Ovo je izbacio ljutito. Čekali smo da produlji. Otišao je do hladnjaka i donio bocu sa votkom. Otpio je iz boce i zapalio cigaretu. "Goga je imala vezu sa nekim likom. Raskinula je ali sada je gnjavi i prijeti joj. Uplašena je." Čekali smo bez riječi. Konačno Strela nije izdržao. "Neki opasan lik kada se uplašila ili samo drkadžija koji sere?" Škot je otpio još jedan gutljaj iz boce. "Ne znam sve detalje ali nijemac je i ima gadnu ekipu. Nešto kao kod nas, faca sa ekipom koja misli da je iznad svega." Pogledah ga upitno. "Koliko je opasno?" "Za sada ništa samo prijeti ali možda bude." Klimnuh glavom. "Idem do Bose. Nadam se da nije frka pa možete bez mene." Strela je klimnuo glavom. "Bez brige, ako bude trebalo vrištat ćemo "u pomoć" pa ti dođi." Smiješio se. Nije ga uzbuđivala situacija. Škot me pljesnu po ramenu. "Ma idemo na neko mjesto gdje oni ne zalaze tako da je ok." "Sa mnom samo imate frke, žao mi je ali nešto mi je suđeno da samo stvaram probleme prijateljima." Podigao sam glavu. Goga je stajala iza nas. Imala je neki čudan ili tužan pogled. Nasmiješih joj se. "Bez brige imamo dosta iskustva sa luđacima." Dok je prilazila stolu polako se nagnula i poljubila me u obraz. "Đoni uvijek spreman pomoći." Škot mi je namignuo, a Strela je počeo ubacivati hladnu paštu u tanjur. "Možemo podgrijati preljev." Zaključio je ubacujući prvu vilicu pašte u usta. Čekao sam na parkingu benzinske prije ulaza u Ahernsburg. Ona zgodna njemica se ponovno nagnula da opere prednje staklo na nekom autu i zadovoljno sam promatrao njenu zadnjicu utegnutu u crvene radničke hlače. Malo mi je popravilo raspoloženje. Prije mog polaska telefon u Goginom stanu je još dva puta zvonio. Prvi put se javila Goga i nakon kratkog vremena zalupila slušalicu. Pet minuta kasnije je telefon ponovno zvonio. Goga je bila blijeda. Škot joj je dao glavom znak da se javi. Ustao je i stajao pored nje dok je podizala slušalicu. Kada ga je pogledala i klimnula glavom preuzeo je slušalicu i dreknuo na engleskom nešto u stilu "Idiote nazovi još jedan put i hebat ću te do smrti". Vratili su se za stol. Goga je bila blijeda, a za Škota mi se činilo da mu para izlazi na uši. Strela je samo smotao cigaretu i komentirao: "Ako se ponovno javi nakon tvoje prijetnje sigurno je peder." Dok sam izlazio iz stana Goga me otpratila do vrata. Izašla je sa mnom vani i tiho zatvorila vrata. "Đoni si im išta ispričao o mojoj situaciji prije odlaska?" Pogledah je upitno. "Mislim ono za tatu i ..." Odmahnuh glavom. "Oni su mi prijatelji i nisu me ništa pitali. Uradili smo što smo uradili i to je to." "Kvrcnuo" sam je kacigom po glavi. "Čuvaj mi Škota. Pusa." Dok sam startao motor osjećao sam se bolje. Bijeli Ford Escort je skrenuo na parking i polako se zaustavio na desetak metara od mog motora. Sa su vozačkih vrata je izašla visoka njemica malo grubljih crta lica u kožnim hlačama i traper jakni. Bila je visoka i na neki čudan način zgodna. Plava kosa je bila kratko podšišana, ali frizura je bila tipično ženska. Duguljasto lice grubljih crta je ipak izgledalo ženstveno. Iznenada mi je mahnula. Odmahnuh joj. Prošla je vječnost prije nego su se vozačka vrata otvorila. Bosa je polako izašla i krenula prema meni. Nosila je svijetlu traper haljinu i crne malo punije čarape. Sandale su bile na visoku potpeticu. Zamijetio sam da više ne vuče nogu odnosno ne šepa. Široko se smiješila. Prišla je i uhvatila me za podlaktice potom mi udijelila pusu u usta. Zagrlio sam je. Ona njemica se iznenada stvorila pored nas. "Hei, a ja, mene ne želiš upoznati. Nisam bio siguran da sam dobro "skužio" njemački. Pustio sam Bosu i polako se okrenuo prema njemici. Pružih joj ruku. Pljusnula me po ruci u stilu "daj pet" i nasmijala se. "Petra." Gledala me u oči. Imala je prodoran pogled i neki nedokučivi šarm u tom pogledu. Osjetio sam se malim i nevažnim u njenom životu. Spontano sam se nasmiješio. Odgovorila je smiješkom i "pljusnula" me po glavi. "Da znaš tko je šef." Potom je otrčala ka autu i otvorila vrata. "Heii vas dva idemoooo." Bosa me pogledala. "Sve u redu sviđaš joj se. Vozi iza nas." Polako se zaputila prema autu. Dok sam prilazio motoru i navlačio kacigu osjećao sam vrtoglavicu. Ništa mi nije bilo jasno i sve je bilo OK ali ništa nije bilo "po standardu". Gdje je "zajeb"? Escort je polako krenuo sa parkirališta. Slijedio sam ga. Dok smo skretali kroz ulice starog dijela grada prema periferiji Petra se malo "provukla" kroz su vozački prozor i mahnula mi pokazujući rukama nešto što sam rastumačio kao "još malo". Očigledno nije mogla "mirovati". Mahnuh joj rukom i poslah pusu. Kroz prozor je ispružila ruku sa savijenom šakom u stilu "poljubi mi ruku". Ne znam zašto ali počela mi se sviđati. Jedino me mučilo da se nakon prvih dojmova ne pokaže kao "mali demon ženske zločestoće". Obično su, u mom životu, cure sa sličnim stilom bile robinje svoga ega, u stilu "svijet se okreće oko mene". Možda je, možda nije, vidjet ćemo. Skrenuli smo u malu sporednu ulicu potom u dvorište jedne od onih kuća "na četiri dijela". Kuće tog tipa su bile česte u Njemačkoj. Kocka od kuće sa jednom stranom u jednoj ulici, a drugom stranom u drugoj ulici je bila podijeljena sa dva ravna pregradna zida, tako su se dobivala četiri dvoetažna stana sa svojim komadom dvorišta i garažom. Dva u jednoj, a dva u drugoj ulici. Bosa mi je pokazala da ubacim motor u garažu iza auta. Par minuta kasnije ušli smo u stan. Petra mi je uzela kacigu iz ruke malo je zagledala i stavila u policu ormara u predsoblju. Sve je uradila prirodno pa je to imalo nekog šarma. Dnevni boravak je sadržavao stolić kožni trosjed fotelju i gomilu kožnih jastučića razbacanih po podu. Na jednom zidu je bila polica sa HiFi uređajima i tv sa video recorder - om. U kutu drugoga je počivala gitara na stalku. Petra me gurnula u fotelju dok se Bosa smiješila. "Skini jaknu i opusti se, sada će pokorne žene da donesu piće. Whisk-ey ili vodka?" "Votka." Opustio sam se dok su se njih dvije uputile u kuhinju. Par minuta kasnije smo sjedili uz bocu votke, narezak i grickalice na stoliću. Počela je ugodna večer. Pogledah u gitaru pa u Bosu. "Počela si svirati gitaru?" "Ni govora. Petra svira i to odlično." Pogledah Petru. "Odsviraš mi nešto?" Namignula mi je. "Tek nakon treće čaše vodke." Nasmijali smo se. Led se počeo topiti. Nakon petnaest minuta neobveznog razgovora Petra je pokupila čašu i otišla u kuhinju sa obrazloženjem "treba isprazniti hladnjak od smeća i uvaliti to u večeru". Ništa što je rekla ili radila nije zvučalo zločesto. Jednostavno je izgledalo kao prirodno iskazano "to je to". Bilo je jasno da nas je pustila "na samo". Bosa me pogledala i nasula nova pića potom malo pojačala glazbu sa hifi. Promatrao sam je sa leđa dok je hodala ka HiFi ormariću. Nogu više uopće nije vukla. Kada je sjela ispalih. "Što kod tebe ima novo u zadnjih godinu dana. Čini mi se samo da bolje hodaš od kada smo se zadnji put vidjeli." Prije to sa nogom nikada nisam izrekao. Sada jednostavno nisam izdržao. Pogledala me na neki čudan način i malo se nagnula prema meni. "Prvi put uopće pitaš o tome. I lijepo je da pitaš tek kada je sve u redu, za razliku od drugih. Imala sam operaciju i tri mjeseca ležanja u bolnici. Produljenje kosti. Kost razrežu malo je odvoje učvrste šinama i čekaju da sam organizam popuni prazninu, sama sraste. Potom se isto ponavlja dok se ne dobije željeno produljenje. Sada je ok." Podigoh čašu. "U to ime. Je bilo bolno?" Kucnuli smo se čašama. "Ponekada je vraški boljelo, da zažališ što si se upuštao u to. Ali sada je sve sjajno, isplatila se bol. Jedino je ostao ožiljak ali to riješim malo punijim tamnim čarapama ili nosim hlače." Sada se već smiješila. Zapalio sam cigaretu. Promotrila me pažljivo. "Ti se mijenjaš. Izraz ti je oštriji, a pogled čvršći. Djeluješ umorno." "Puno smo radili ova tri dana i jesam umoran." Nestala je u kuhinji i vratila se sa zdjelicom zelenih maslina. Natočila mi je novu čašicu. "Imamo grčko vino uz večeru, nešto što je Petra iskopala u nekom tržnom centru. Ona uvijek eksperimentira sa pićima." "Polako sa alkoholom, moram voziti nazad tako da ..." "Nadala sam se da ostaješ." Pogledao sam je promatrala me mirno. "Želiš to?" "Želim." "OK ostajem." Nije se nasmiješila samo je klimnula glavom. "Pripremit ću ti drugu spavaću sobu. Imaš sve što ti treba, ako ne imamo par novih četkica za zube." Postajalo je napeto. Nisam očekivao ovakav razvoj događaja. Stan je imao samo dvije spavaće sobe na katu i veliki dnevni boravak i blagavaonu u prizemlju, jasno ko dan koji je raspored po spavaćim sobama. Polako spustih čašicu na stol. "Ti nećeš sa mnom?" Nije gledala u mene. Klimnula je glavom gledajući nekamo u led diode HiFi pojačala. "Hoću ali ne odmah. Malo ćemo još razjasniti stvari. Treba malo vremena, samo malo." Ovo je bilo jasno ali neodređeno. To, malo vremena, koliko? Sat, dva ili tri dana. Odlučih ne "silovati" vratit ćemo se na tu temu kasnije čak i pred Petrom ako treba. Odlučih se prebaciti na drugo područje. "Nema problema. Goga mi nije ništa rekla za tvoju operaciju ili kako je sa tobom. Rekla je samo da si dobro i da ti život teče ok. Dalje nije odgovarala na moja pitanja. Točnije izbjegavala je odgovore i pitanja. Nešto ne štima između vas?" Malo me gledala direktno u oči. "Štima u normalnim odnosima, samo smo se davno razdvojile i slabo kontaktiramo. Živjela je sa nama deset mjeseci, kada je došla u Njemačku, nakon toga je otišla svojim putem i mislim da joj dobro ide samo ..." Naglo je prekinula i posegnula za bocom. Dolila nam je votke u čaše. Čekao sam da nastavi ali nije. "Ide joj dobro samo ... " "Ništa, samo malo znam o njoj u zadnje vrijeme." Ovo nije zvučalo baš iskreno ali bila je još jedna tema za kasnije. Iz kuhinje je dotutnjila Petra i pogledala nas. "Pijete bez mene ali ja ću umrijeti od tuge pa će vam poslije biti krivo." Dograbila je bocu i nasula si u čašu smještajući se na ležaj pored Bose. Pogledala me je uz osmijeh i podigla čašu, stvarno mi se sviđala, bilo je nešto posebno u njoj. Neki slični komentari od nekih cura prije su me živcirali, uvijek su sličili na prenemaganje. Kod Petre je to bilo izrečeno u nekom stilu "tek da nešto kažem", nije čak ni zvučalo kao loša šala. Sa zvučnika je dopirao Dylan - "Knocking on heavens door". Udahnuo sam i osjetio da sam pretjerao sa cigaretama posljednja tri dana. Počeo me i hvatati umor. Petra je uhvatila Bosu za ruku, držala je nježno. Gledala me je sa zanimanjem. "Imamo lasagne voliš to? Bosa mi je pričala dosta o tebi, bila sam radoznala da te upoznam." Nije čekala odgovor. "Koliko ste vozili do Hamburga? Vjerojatno je to suuper pustolovina. Cesta, sloboda i glazba u glavi ili tako nekako. Uvijek to pomislim kada vidim motore na cesti, morati ću to jedan put isprobati, položiti nabaviti motor i malo ..." Prekinula je da odpije iz čaše. Odlučih ne prekidati je odgovorima na pitanja. Očigledno je bila hiper aktivno stvorenje. Promatrao sam je kako drži Bosinu ruku, nježno kao ljubavnica. Otpila je dva puta po gutljaj. Gledao sam Bosu ona je skrenula pogled. Petra me pogledala. "Heei, nećeš mi odgovoriti?" Ovo nisam očekivao. Pogledah je uz osmijeh i namignuh joj. "Kojim redom da odgovorim?" "Voliš lasagne?" "Koliko ste vozili do hamburga?" "Pet dana." "Pet dana suuper. Gdje ste spavali, upoznali neke zanimljive ljude?" "Spavali smo u studentskom smještaju ilegalno, u vrtu jedne vlasnice Biker-Bara, na benzinskoj i u pederskom motelu na cesti." Petra se počela smijati. Prosula je malo votke koju je točila. Bosa se ukočila. "Pederskom motelu? Jeste vi pederi?" Odmahnuh glavom. Zaključio sam da bi ona i deklariranog homoseksualca pitala na isti način. "Ne samo smo pogriješili cestu, zalutali i našli motel, bilo je kasno pa smo odlučili prenoćiti u istom." Petra je već tulila od smijeha. "I onda su vam dečki pokazali gdje ste dospjeli! Ujutro ste samo malo čudno hodali. Tako je to nakon analnog seksa prvi put." Protiv volje se nasmijah, bila je zarazna u svom veselju. Pustila je Bosinu ruku i udarala se po nad koljenici glasno se smijući. Bosa me ukočeno i zbunjeno gledala. Pogledah Petru. "Pretpostavljam da to znaš iz vlastitog iskustva ali ja to ne bih mogao potvrditi, nisam probao. Da smo spavali u pederskom motelu doznali smo tek slijedeće jutro na benzinskoj kada su nas svi čudno gledali dok smo "ponosno" objašnjavali gdje smo prespavali." Nastavila se smijati i presavila se u struku naginjući glavu ka podu. "Mogu zamisliti situaciju. Ti pričaš, a dečki te gledaju i polako se odmiču od tebe nakon minute si sam, ostao je samo jedan koji te zaljubljeno gleda. Ne brini ovdje je to prihvaćeno." Bosa je sjedela ukočeno na ležaju i gledala u mene. Namignuh joj i uputih smiješak. Prvi put u našim odnosima bila je u poziciji da čeka moju reakciju. Do sada je ona vodila sve, čvrsto i samouvjereno. Odlučih iskoristiti prednost i preuzeti kontrolu. Čekao sam da se Petra malo smiri potom je pogledao i podigao čašu. "Jesi ti lezbijka?" Nije se zbunila, otpila je iz čaše i klimnula glavom. "Uglavnom da ali ponekada i ne." Iznenada je skočila sa trosjeda. "Lasagnee u pećnici su, a ja ovdje vrištim od smijeha." Nestala je u kuhinji. Pogledao sam Bosu. Šutjela je i gledala mimo mene. Prvi put u odnosu sa njom sam osjetio da ja kontroliram situaciju. Ispio sam ostatak iz čaše i spustio je na stolić. Alkohol me polako hvatao ali bilo mi je svejedno. Šutio sam i čekao. Na kraju Bosa nije izdržala. "Mislila sam da znaš, sve one priče o meni. Silvia je obećala da će ti kada uruči paket ponešto objasniti. Sada vidim da sam sama trebala ranije to riješiti. Oprosti." Odmahnuh glavom i protiv svoje volje zapalih cigaretu. Sjetih se prvog Bosinog paketa i žene koja ga je donijela. Gledala me ispitivački ili kao da mi željela nešto reći. Ja sam se brzo pokupio tražeći pismo. Sada nije bitno. "Nije bitno, Silvija nije imala šansu. Moja krivica. Onu jednu noć, kada smo se drugi put vidjeli, potrošili smo na druge stvari." Sjedili smo i šutali. Sa zvučnika je dopirala glazba Eagles - "Hotel California ". Zapitah se u kojoj kući vlastitih duhova sam ja sada zarobljen. Na riječi pjesme "to može biti nebo, to može biti pakao" lagano zatvorih oči. Petra je došla iz kuhinje. Pogledala nas je i prišla HiFi polici. U dva oštra pokreta prekinula je i izbacila kazetu. Ne okrećući se prema nama tvrdim glasom je dobacila. "Koja pogrebna atmosfera je zavladala. Sigurno je glazba kriva za to." Ubacila je drugu kazetu. Iz zvučnika je krenulo Patrick Hernandez - "Born to Be Alive ". Petra se polako okrenula i došla do moje fotelje. Čučnula je i uhvatila me sa obije ruke za glavu. Brzo i kratko mi dala pusu u usta. "Pozajmim ti Bosu za noćas pa vi riješite sve kasnije u sobi. Može?" Digla se i krenula prema kuhinji. "Idem po vino dok se lasagne malo ohlade, ne bi bilo dobro da dalje pijemo votku, a vas dva se oraspoložite dok se vratim." Nestala je u kuhinji. Ustao sam i polako prišao Bosi. Kleknuo sam na jedno koljeno i ljubio je polako i dugo. Zagrlila me. Kada je poljubac završio pogledao sam je u oči. "Nije važno neka život ide dalje. Kako je kome suđeno." Klimnula je glavom. Polako sam se vratio na fotelju. Pogledali smo se i nasmijali. Iz zvučnika je tulio Boney M - "Ma Baker ". Osjetih da se vratila dobra atmosfera. Petra je dotutnjila iz kuhinje sa otvorenom bocom crnog vina u jednoj ruci i tri vinske visoke čaše sa stalkom između prstiju druge ruke. Poredala je čaše na stol i natočila ih do pola. "Kratko piće i zajedno postavljamo stol, da se lasagne ne ohlade previše." Ubacila se do Bose zagrlila je jednom rukom i podigla svoju čašu sa vinom. "Pičkice rasplakane živjeli." Smijala se na vlastitu zdravicu. Stvarno je bila zarazna. Nasmijao sam se iskreno i nazdravio. Bosa se nasmijala i podigla čašu. Petra mi se stvarno sviđala imala je ono nešto i u odnosima sa prijateljima, neku prirodnu ljudsku toplinu. Dok smo pili Petra je spustila ruku sa Bose i uperila prst u mene. "Morati ćeš za večerom ispričati sve o tom pederskom motelu i što ste mislili kada ste došli tamo, hoću se dobro zabaviti." Slegoh ramenima. "Nismo mislili ništa, ja sam mislio da smo dospjeli u kuću duhova znaš ono kao "Hotel California "." Petra se valjala od smijeha. "Pederska kuća duhova, to bi bio pravi horror." Stvarno je bila zarazna. Svi smo se smijali. Iz kuhinje je dopirao miris lasagn-a, osjećao sam se ugodno. Probudio sam se prvi. Mučila me lagana glavobolja što nije bilo ni čudno nakon onog miksa vino -votka. Bio sam žedan. Ustao sam polako iz kreveta tražeći gaće. Bacio sam pogled na Bosu koja je još spavala i Petru koja je ležala sa rukom preko Bosinih ramena. Bila je polu budna. Samo mi je dala znak rukom u stilu "tiho" i zatvorila oči. Pitao sam se kakva je Petra u seksu. Možda doznam. Na kraju sam odustao od gaća, tiho otišao do kuhinje, zatvorio vrata i natočio si veliku čašu hladne vode. Ispio sam je "na eks". "Tko večera dosta vina, doručkuje vodu." Pomislio sam da ima dosta istine u tome. Polako sam tražio kavu i filtere skakućući po hladnim pločicama. Kada se ugodni miris filter kave razlio po kuhinji natočio sam si šalicu i dodao kondezirano mlijeko iz hladnjaka. Nije mi se sjedalo golom zadnjicom na stolicu ali još manje mi se stajalo na hladnim pločicama. Našao sam pepeljaru i cigarete. Nakon prvog gutljaja kave sam zapalio i osjetih se bolje. Vrata kuhinje su se polako otvorila. Petra je stajala na vratima u laganom crnom kućnom ogrtaču i ugodnim ružičastim papučama koje su imitirale patkice. Pogledala je moju golotinju kritički potom nestala. Začuo sam vrata druge spavaće sobe i minutu kasnije je bila u kuhinji. Bacila mi je u glavu kućni ogrtač i položila pred mene neke natikače. "Kava miriše dobro upravo sam razmišljala kako bi bilo dobro da netko skuha kavu kada si ti otpuzao vani." Nasula je šalicu i par žlica šećera. Ja sam pregledao onaj kućni ogrtač. Bio je plavi, ženski sintetički, sa imitacijom čipke po rubovima. Držeći ga sa dvije ruke pogledah Petru koja je sjela za stol preko puta mene. Odmjerila me kritički. "Imaš svoj ogrtač?" Odmahnuh glavom. Znala je da sam došao "sa onim na sebi". Namignula je. "Pa što čekaš? Ugodnije ti je sjediti golom zadnjicom na stolici?" Ustao sam i navukao ogrtač polako vezujući remen. Bio mi je samo "malo manji". Sjetih se da je Petra samo nepunih desetak centimetra niža od mene. Natikače su mi bile najmanje za tri broja male ali su nekako stale na moje noge. Sjeo sam i slegao ramenima. "Istina bolje je." Nasmijala se nagnula preko stola i kvrcnula me prstom po nosu. One plave oči su djelovale toplo. "Skuhao si dobru kavu." Pili smo kavu i šutali. Prošla noć je bila čudna. Večerali smo zajedno uz puno smijeha. Ispričao sam sve detalje naše pripreme i putovanja, preskačući ono o Hildi. Vino je išlo brzo tako da smo otvorili drugu bocu. Uskoro smo počeli i plesati. Par bi plesao, a "treći" je sjedio u fotelji. Nakon svake pjesme bi treći preuzimao ples, a netko bi sjeo na fotelju. Sve je bilo spontano. Otišla je još jedna boca vina. Na kraju je Petra dugo ljubila Bosu i potom rekla da ide u svoju sobu. Nestala je u zajedničkoj spavaćoj sobi, a mi smo se smjestili u onoj namijenjenoj za mene. Skinuli smo se bez riječi i zavukli u krevet. Nije trajalo dugo ali je bilo strastveno. Zaspao sam na leđima sa jednom rukom ispod pokrivača na Bosinom koljenu. Usred noći sam se naglo probudio tražeći razlog. Soba je bila osvijetljena samo žaruljom sa hodnika kroz otvorena vrata. U vratima je stajala Petra. "Ne mogu spavati sama, budim se. Mogu do Bose ako ste se vi "ispričali"?" Bio sam umoran i željan sna. Mahnuh rukom. "Upadaj samo ne hrči." Nadao sam se da sam na njemačkom točno rekao "hrči". Vrata je pustila otvorena i brzo se ubacila na krevet sa Bosine strane, tiho se smijući. Ispod pokrivača Bosa mi je nježno stisnula ruku. Prije nego se uvukla pod pokrivač i sklupčala pored Bose ,Petra se prebacila na mene preko pokrivača. Uhvatila me sa obije ruke za glavu i polako poljubila gurajući mi jezik u usta. Udijelila mi je još jednu pusu i nestala na drugoj strani kreveta, zavlačeći se pod pokrivač pored Bose. Shvatio sam poljubac kao njezin način da mi kaže "oprosti što smetam" i ništa više. Sada sam je gledao preko stola kako pije kavu. Zaključih da ta žena stvarno ima neku duboku ljudsku crtu u sebi i ne srami se pokazati je. Podigla je obrve prema meni. "Tko će odnijeti kavu Bosi?" Slegoh ramenima. "Ti si ovdje domaća, bio bi red da se ja ne "ubacujem u sklad u kući"." Ustala je i uzela čistu šalicu. Minutu kasnije je stajala na vratima kuhinje sa dvije šalice kave u ruci, smiješila se. "Dođi i ti, samo me prije pusti da ispitam Bosu kako je bilo sinoć." "Mogu ti i ja ispričati." Pokazala mi je jezik i zatvorila vrata kuhinje. Minutu kasnije sam jedva čuo žensko hihotanje kroz vrata. Zaključih da vrata spavaće sobe nisu zatvorena. Ok, završit ću cigaretu pa sa novom šalicom kave idem nazad u krevet. Možda bude smijeha. Znao sam da od "jutarnjeg seksa" nema ništa. Čudno, to mi nije smetalo. Povukao sam dim iz cigarete, a u glavi mi se motala misao "kada ne kužiš točno što se događa, pusti neka sve ide svojim tijekom, neka bude kako je suđeno". Povukao sam dim iz cigarete, a u glavi mi se motala misao "kada ne kužiš točno što se događa, pusti neka sve ide svojim tijekom, neka bude kako je suđeno". Kada Vrag sere, to radi na veliki kup Živci su me pucali i povisio sam ton preko telefona iako nisam to imao namjeru. "OK Strela, ako sam dobro razumio Aca Psina je pretukao Jovu pjesnika? Jedini razlog što je Jova na "krivom mjestu" ispričao da mi pomogao?" "Tako mi rekla Mira. Jadnik je u bolnici na Bežanijskoj Kosi, sa par šavova na svakoj strani glave." Kuhalo je u meni. "Jebem ti život, trebali smo to govno srediti prije polaska. Razbiti ga i kao svako govno razmazati po cesti!" "Ne jebi Đoni, tko je mislio na takvo što. Sredimo ga "do jaja" kada se vratimo. To neće pomoći Jovi ali će naučiti sve da ne diraju prijatelje Piksija." "U redu daj mi Škota." "Ne mogu nisam kod Goge u stanu, već kod Brune." "U ku..$..c, tko je Bruna?" "Gogina prijateljica." "Od kuda ti kod nje?" "Ispričam ti kada se vidimo i za to i za probleme sa Škotom. Zato sam i zvao." "Kakvi problemi?" "Kada se vidimo." "Nađemo se kod Goge?" "Ne bolje vani." "Znaš naći onaj restoran gdje nas Herman vodio na večeru?" "Za dva sata na ulazu tamo?" Veza se prekinula. Krenuo sam ka sobi skidajući Petrin kućni ogrtač. Sve izmiče kontroli čini se, a sve je krenulo tako dobro, pogotovu od prošle noći. Po običaju Petra je došla znatno kasnije u krevet, nakon što smo se Bosa i ja po njenoj definiciji "dovoljno ispričali". Međutim ovaj put mi nije dala samo kratki poljubac u stilu "oprosti na smetnji", kao prethodne dvije večeri. Provela je dosta vremena na meni i dopustila da je milujem. Prije nego se prebacila da Bosi da "poljubac za laku noć" nježno je nosom protrljala moj nos i rekla jedno kratko "sviđaš mi se". Dok je ljubila Bosu osjetih Bosinu ruku na svojoj. Stisnula mi je jako ruku. Nakon poljupca sa Petrom dala je i meni poljubac za laku noć. Zaspao sam sa nekim čudnim mirom i osjećajem da se ponekad isplati "pustiti stvari koje ne razumiješ da idu svojim tijekom". Nema me dva dana i nešto pukne. Neka ide k vragu, Škot nikada nije "pucao po šavovima" i bio je na neki način duh ekipe, što sada Strela priča. Nisam navikao da bilo što izuzev "poslovne strane" u ekipi ovisi o meni. Navukao sam traperice i čizme i pošao u kupaonu tražiti majicu koja se sušila. Još je bila malo vlažna od pranja ali navukoh je. Osušiti će se do kraja na meni. Ionako sam mislio otići po stvari do Goge i objasniti situaciju ali bez ikakvih detalja. Sada moram prvo vidjeti Strelu, glas mu nije zvučao dobro. Izgledalo je kao da i mene optužuje za nešto. Vratio sam se u kuhinju i provjerio lonac sa grahom koji sam kuhao. Činilo se da je završen. Isključih ploču štednjaka. OK cure imaju ručak na stolu kada se vrate sa posla. Sa žaljenjem vratih poklopac na mjesto, mirisao je dobro ali sada nisam imao vremena da provjerim kakav je. Jebeni problemi. Nisam tražio ništa ni od koga, nisam očekivao ništa na pladnju, samo sam želio da me "gnjavatori" zaobiđu i da živim ono što mogu. Na kraju se ipak uvijek pojavi nešto, a to nešto obično dolazi u obliku sranja jakog smrada koje ti pljusnu u lice. Slegoh ramenima dok sam navlačio jaknu. "Live is Life" ide ona pjesma. MZ je startao bez problema. Iz nekog razloga sam želio vidjeti Strelin ČZ. Dok sam se spuštao niz stube i išao prema garaži bilo mi je jasno da se Škot čudno ponašao od one večeri kada je počeo sa Gogom. Škot je bio sve prije nego "kujin sin", sve godine, gdje je problem? Strela je motao cigaretu, čekao sam da počne ispijajući gutljaj piva iz limenke. Bilo je to neko čudno pivo ali pasalo je. Strela je očigledno, uz put, u trgovini kupio dvije limenke naj jeftinijeg piva. Sjedeli smo na nekoj klupi promatrajući jezero i ponekog kupača. Uglavnom starije gospođe u prolazu su zagledale naše motore. Jebi ga kod njih je to bilo "malo neobično komunističko vozilo". Konačno sam čuo "klik" imitacije ZIPP-a kojom je Strela zapalio cigaretu. Pogledah ga upitno. Slegao je ramenima u stilu "kako početi". "Đoni ti si one večeri otišao i nisi se više javio niti subotu niti nedjelju. Molio sam Gogu da mi da broj telefona i nazvao te." Osjetih se sramotno. Subotu sam proveo sa curama u kupovini i obilasku okolice. Mislio sam nazvati Gogu i pitati za situaciju ali zaboravih sve. Upao sam u neki čudni novi svijet. Djelovalo je da "nas troje" savršeno funkcioniramo. Sve je bilo opušteno, ugodno i veselo. Toliko dobro da sam i nedjelju zaboravio na telefon. Plan da se javim i pokupim stvari od Goge te se dogovorim sa Strelom i Škotom za daljnji kontakt odložio sam za ponedjeljak. Cure su otišle na posao, a ja sam mislio nazvati kasnije. Nisam stigao, javio se Strela. "Jebi ga Strela. Svatko ponekada bude "kujin sin". Ovaj put sam to bio ja. Mislio sam da ste OK, a za petak večer ste imali dogovor sa Goginom ekipom računao sam da je i subota .... " Zastao sam i slegao ramenima. "Serem, oprosti dogodilo se ponešto i sjebao sam sve. Ispričam ti kasnije detalje. Zanima me što je sa Škotom? Kakav problem?" Pogledao me onim svojim smeđim očima i polako popio gutljaj piva. Povukao je dim iz cigarete. "Đoni Škot puca. Moram krenuti redom." Gledao je ili u mene ili na jezero dok je pričao. U kratkim crtama ispričao je da je petak večer prošao super. Goga je pozvala dvije prijateljice i kolegu sa posla. Nijemac, Karlo, je bio uglađeni ugodni četrdeseto godišnjak, a cure prosječna izgleda i vesele Goginih godina, zvale su se Bruna i Isold. Ostali su skoro do jutra. Strela je tijekom večeri počeo diskretno udvaranje Bruni. Sve je prošlo dobro. Nije imao neke namjere ali je to odradio "sporta radi". Na kraju su se ljubili. Škot je tijekom cijele večeri gledao u Gogu. Goga se prije izlaska presvukla u crnu varijantu. Čipkaste samostojeće čarape, cipele visoke pete, svilenu bluzu i suknju sa izrezom koji je pri svakom koraku pokazivao završetak čarapa na nozi i bijelu kožu natkoljenice. Škot je od početka djelovao opsjednut. Problemi su krenuli slijedećeg jutra. Strela je već zakazao Bruni drugo viđenje za subotu popodne. Jutro se malo izležavao potom navukao traperice i majicu te krenuo u dnevni boravak i kuhinju, na kavu. Otvorio je vrata dnevnog boravka normalno kao i svako jutro. Goga je gola služila kavu Škotu. Na nogama je imala crne sandale visoke potpetice sa kožnim trakama, koje su dosezale do koljena. Škot je gol sjedio u fotelji. Pogledala ga je bez uzbuđenja i samo rekla "Dobro jutro." Škot je reagirao živčano. Spustio je šalicu sa kavom i skoro se izderao. "K vragu znaš li kucati prije ulaska?" Strela se ispričao i krenuo natrag u spavaću sobu. Škot ga je pozvao da se vrati. Dok je ulazio Goga se polako njišući kukovima uputila pored njega u spavaću sobu. Mimo volje morao je pogledati, iako se trudio gledati u pod. Škot ga je samo mrko pogledao i ispričao se "za reakciju". Ostao je skroz gol sjedeti na fotelji. Znali smo i prije između sebe biti neformalni. Presvlačiti se, skidati kupaće kako bi navukli druge suhe ili slično. Međutim nikada nismo imali običaj skroz goli sjedeti skupa u sobi, čak ni nakon burnih noći i jutarnje glavobolje koja je pitala tuš hladnom vodom. Strela se našao u glupoj poziciji. Sve mu je postalo još gore kada se Goga vratila u nekom Čipkastom ogrtaču koji je u biti više pokazivao nego skrivao još uvijek je nosila one sandale. Gledala je u Škota ne obraćajući pažnju na Strelu. Škot je i dalje gledao u Gogu kao u "čudo erotike". Počeli su se ljubiti i Škotu se "digao". Strela je uzeo šalicu sa kavom i vratio se u spavaću sobu. Popio je kavu i počekao još pola sata. Nakon toga je pokucao na vrata dnevnog boravka. Škot mu je rekao da uđe. Ušao je polako i oprezno. Škot i Goga su sjedili u fotelji goli, izuzev onih sandala na Gogi. Goga je sjedila Škotu u krilu. Strela nije gledao u njihovom pravcu, samo je rekao da bi išao vani i da se dogovore oko večerašnjeg izlaska. Škot ga je pogledao, dok mu Goga palila cigaretu, potom odbrusio. "Stornirali smo sve izlaske danas i sutra, ostajemo u krevetu." Potom je pogledao Gogu. "Imaš još jedan ključ od stana?" Klimnula je glavom. "Imam ali je to treći i zadnji. Jedan sam dala Đoniju kada smo došli." Škot je pljesnuo po zadnjici. "Donesi mi." Goga je ponovno otišla do spavaće sobe. Strela je gledao u zemlju. Goga se vratila i dala ključ Škotu. Škot je zazviždao kroz usne i dobacio ključ Streli. "Sada si opremljen. Prouči grad i ne upadaj bez kucanja kada se vratiš." Strela je klimnuo glavom i pitao Gogu za Brunin broj telefona, nespretno je objasnio "da su se dogovorili". Goga je klimnula glavom ponovno gola odnjihala do torbe izvadila kemijsku i rokovnik. Prišla mu je i pružila papirić uz smiješak. "Vjerojatno ćeš već večeras biti u njenom potkrovlju." Namignula mu je i vratila se kod Škota u krilo. "Kada sam sjeo na motor osjetio sam olakšanje. Skužio sam da sam izašao samo u majici ali mi se nije vraćalo. Osjećao sam da ne bi bilo poželjno da se vratim u stan, ako je to moguće. Nisam znao ni gdje si ni što radiš, niti što bih ja radio, jednostavno sam startao i krenuo nekamo, da popijem još jednu kavu i razmislim." Strela me pogledao i ugasio cigaretu. Shvaćao sam ga savršeno. Ja sam nestao, a smještaj i preostali prijatelj su postali neugodni. Izvadio sam kutiju Luckey Strike i ponudio ga. Zapalili smo i popili još malo piva. Na jezeru u plitkoj vodi neka starija žena je učila curicu da pliva. Držala je ispod trbuha stojeći u vodi do pasa dok je curica mahala nogama i rukama i smijala se. "Produlji Strela, gdje si spavao i što je bilo dalje." Dobar dio dana proveo je u dva tržna centra potom pojeo Hot Dog i nazvao Brunu. Može jedva čeka, rekla je, ali može tek na večer. Dogovorili su mjesto sastanka. Ulaz u isti disko bar od sinoć. Strela je imao vremena. Put do tog bara je znao. Bio je samo u majici, a sjetio se da su večeri ovdje svježe. Odlučio je otići do stana po jaknu. Polako je otključao i uvukao se u "našu" spavaću sobu. Pokupio je jaknu i krenuo vani. Naletio je na Škota. Škot je bio samo u trapericama bos. Udario ga rukom po ramenu i povukao ka dnevnom boravku. "Izvini malo sam pretjerao, dođi da popijemo piće." Strela je krenuo za Škotom i smjestio se na fotelju. Goga je došla iz kuhinje u nekoj plavoj kućnoj haljini od frotira. Još je nosila one sandale. Stavila je dva piva na stolić, kao da je već sve bilo dogovoreno. Pogledala ga je i pitala da li bi nešto jeo. Strela je odmahnuo glavom. Za trenutak sve je bilo po starom. Ono od jutros je smatrao "neugodnom situacijom". Polako su popili pivo i pričali, rekao je da se ide naći sa Brunom i pitao da li sam zvao. Škot je odmahnuo glavom potom prokomentirao. "I ja sam se malo brinuo u jednom trenutku, ali da je u frci već bi nam se javio, budi bez brige." Tada je zazvonio telefon. Goga se javila i zalupila slušalicu. Vratila se blijeda. Škot je pogledao. "Onaj kreten?" Klimnula je glavom stisnutih usana. Škot je postao živčan. Prijetio je da će "razbiti pedera" i nasaditi ga na prvu ogradu. Skužio je da je Gogin bivši ponovno zvao. Škot se uskoro smirio. Strela je napustio stan i osjećao se bolje. Bruna je na mjesto sastanka došla na nekom skuteru. Popili su piće i zajedno vozili po Hamburgu dok mu je ona pokazivala što bi trebao vidjeti. Večerali su u nekoj Pizzeri i završili u Bruninom malenom stanu u potkrovlju. Za kratko je pustio sve probleme, izgledalo je ok. Pogledao sam ga i ubacio praznu limenku pive u košaricu malo dalje od klupe. Strela je samo prokomentirao. "Dobar pogodak." Uzdahnuo sam. "Drago mi je zbog tebe ali nastavi. Gdje je zapelo sa Škotom?" Posegao je za kutijom Luckey Strike, koju sam pustio između nas, i zapalio novu cigaretu. "Bruna mi predložila da mogu ostati par dana kod nje. Nazvao sam Gogu i rekao da bih ostao malo kod Brune ali ako ne smetam dolazim popodne po stvari. Komentirala je samo "Super"." Udahnuo je duboko dim i popio pivo do kraja. Nije uspio pogoditi košaricu, limenka se otkotrljala par metara. Slegao je ramenima. "Pokupiću je poslije. Znači došao sam u stan i otključao. Škot i Goga su sjedeli u foteljama u dnevnom boravku. Vrata su bila otvorena, nisam gledao i samo sam im mahnuo. Škot mi mahnuo da uđem. On je sjedio u nekom novom kućnom ogrtaču, a Goga samo u nečem, što ja znam, čarapa tijelo ili hulahopke za cijelo tijelo. Bile su prozirne i nisam gledao u njenom pravcu. Škot je bio blago pijan, boca votke i čaše su stajali na stoliću. Pokazao mi da sjednem na trosjed i gurnuo bocu prema meni. Rekao je da potegnem. Otpio sam iz boce pogledao ga, nazdravio mi je sa čašicom." Strela je povukao duboko dim cigarete i pogledao me u oči. "Znaš Đoni to više nije bio Škot. Bio je neobrijan i raščupan sa podočnjacima. Vjerojatno su dosta pili, prazna boca viskija je bila pored stolića. Pogledao me i rekao: "Lud sam." Zašto? Upitah ga, samo me pogledao. "Onaj Gogin luđak ponovno zove raspravljali smo se telefonom, a i neke odluke me muče." Koje? A za luđaka možete nazvati policiju, ili ga mi do polaska nazad možemo "urazumiti", ne bi nam bilo prvi put da imamo posla sa luđacima. Mislio sam da se malo smiri i opusti. Samo me čudno pogledao. Kada je počeo govorio je vrlo polako gledajući mimo mene, Đoni rekao je slijedeće: "Nije tako jednostavno, Goga bi mogla imati problema na poslu ako zovemo policiju taj lik poznaje pola uprave u Goginoj firmi, a i ne znam da li se vraćam nazad. Najvjerojatnije ostajem sa Gogom." Strela je završio i gledao me u oči. Polako sam posegao za novom cigaretom i zapalio je. Ustao sam i otišao do one limenke od piva koju je Strela bacio. Dugo sam je prstima gnječio, potom je ubacio u košaricu. Sredio sam se. Pogledao sam Strelu. "OK to je bilo jučer. Navratimo danas zajedno do stana i popričamo sa Škotom. Imaš mi još nešto reći u svezi istog?" Polako se digao sa klupe i petom ugasio čik. Slegao je ramenima. "Ništa pitao sam za tebe i Goga je nevoljko ustala i otišla nazvati Bosu, čekala je pored telefona potom spustila slušalicu i nešto napisala na papiriću. Kada se vratila pružila mi papirić i rekla da se nitko ne javlja ali da mogu nazvati sam kasnije. Što sam mogao, pokupio sam stvari i otišao do Brune. Dok sam izlazio rekao sam da ću se javiti, Škot nije ništa odgovorio. Dok sam se vraćao do Brune navratio sam do jedne telefonske i javio se Miri. Da je malo čujem i smirim, rekla mi je to za Jovu. Ostalo znaš." Sjetih se da smo jučer bili na malom izletu u planine i nekom lokalnom bazenu, ovdje je skoro svako selo imalo neki svoj bazen. Bilo mi je neugodno. Pljesnuh ga po ramenu. "Već je pet. Idemo do Goge. Razmislim uz put pa popričamo sa Škotom. Ti uvijek možeš sa mnom do Bose dok ne krenemo nazad." Krenuli smo ka motorima. Škot želi obračun sa Goginim bivšim uz to ima namjeru ostati u Hamburgu, Aca je pretukao Jovu. Tri zajebana problema, ima li ih još? Sjetih se što je moj djed znao govoriti kada se pojavi više problema, običavao je reći "Kada vrag sere, to radi na veliki kup". Dok smo sjedali na motore Strela je mahnuo rukom. Polako je nogama dogurao motor do moga, ja sam čekao sa kacigom na rezervoaru. Slegao je ramenima. "Ne bih volio da misliš da se izvlačim od nečega ali mislim da je bolje da odeš sam. Tebe uvijek nekako sasluša, a pitanje ako budem i ja tamo koliko je spreman za razgovor, jednostavno čudan je." Malo sam razmišljao gledajući u kacigu. Potom klimnuh glavom. "Imaš pravo, možda bolje da to sa Škotom obavim sam, tebi je svoje rekao." Gledao sam ga trenutak i osjetio grickanje savjesti što se nisam javio ta dva dana. "Odluči ako želiš možeš poslije sa mnom do Bose. Bosa i Petra su super cure neće biti problema. Kada si zvao mislio sam da neka od njih zove sa posla. Bosa je rekla da se slobodno koristim telefonom i javljam na telefon. Vidjet ćeš da su OK." Strela je odmahnuo glavom i nasmiješio se. "Hvala Đoni, znam da me ti ne bi pustio samog ali rekao sam jučer u jutro, uz kavu, Bruni sve. I da se vraćam i da imam curu doma, a da ovo ne shvaća ozbiljno. Samo me pogledala i rekla da nije važno, dok traje traje ili tako nešto, znaš moj engleski. Rekla je i da mogu ostati po želji ako ostanem tako pažljiv. Nije lijepa niti posebno zgodna ali je vrlo ugodna osoba. Ako bude trebalo javim ti i dođem. Sada idem nazad do Brune" Klimnuo sam glavom. Pljesnuli smo "daj mi pet" i Strela je navukao kacigu i startao. Mahnuh mu rukom da me ne čeka. Kada je otišao sjedio sam još malo na motoru. Polako sam navukao kacigu. Škot je bio neka vrsta duhovnog i djelom pravog vođe ekipe. Bit će to težak razgovor. Polako sam navukao kacigu. Škot je bio neka vrsta duhovnog i djelom pravog vođe ekipe. Bit će to težak razgovor. Polako sam odložio čašicu sa votkom na stolić i pogledao Škota. "Žao mi je što se nisam javio ali ukratko sam ti objasnio zašto je bilo tako. Možeš mi sada malo pojasniti neke stvari?" Goga me nervozno odmjerila i digla se sa fotelje. Odnjihala je kukovima u pravcu kuhinje. Pogledao sam umorno za njom. Nosila je samo kratke kožne hlače čipkaste hulahopke sandale visoke potpetice i kožni grudnjak. Škot je podigao čašu sa viskijem i slegao ramenima. "Pitaj?" Pogledao sam ga u oči. Bio je blijed sa tamnim alkoholnim podočnjacima. "Kada možemo planirati povratak? Ili možda idemo još nekamo prije toga?" Odmahnuo je glavom. "Mislio sam vam to objasniti ali ne vraćam se." Gledao me nekim tvrdim pogledom. "Ostajem ovdje Đoni. Ne želim natrag u ono naše sivilo soc realizma, poluprazne trgovine i društvene firme u kojima je jedino bitno od kada imaš partijsku knjižicu, a ne što znaš i koliko dobro radiš." Odmahnuo je glavom. "Ne interesiraju me više ni one naše krave od cura kojima je jedini cilj da se zaposle i čim prije udaju kako bi ostvarile cilj života. Ostajem sa Gogom." Ispio je čašu jednim potezom do kraja i odmahnuo glavom. Polako sam izvadio cigaretu iz kutije i zapalio je. "OK tvoja odluka ali ipak se vratimo doma pa sve objasniš svojima i završiš nezavršene poslove?" Pogledao me pomalo divlje i oštro. "Ne vraćam se Đoni. Bilo bi previše frke, moji bi me pokušali zadržati, a ne bi mogli. Obasnit ću im ovih dana preko telefona kao i Ljilji." Povukoh dim iz cigarete. Trebalo mi je malo da se sredim. Pogledah ga u oči. "Ne misliš li da bi trebao sve to obaviti oči u oči pa bez obzira na gnjavažu i cijenu koju moraš platiti?" Odmahnuo je glavom. "Ne seri Đoni. Ti i tvoje poimanje časti. Koga briga kako mu priopćiš da više nije dio tvog života? Ako ti je tako žao Ljilje možeš je i tješiti što se mene tiče. Može i Strela uz Miru malo utješiti istu samo ne znam kako bi oženio obje po našim zakonima." Odmahnuo je glavom i kiselo se nasmiješio. "Znaš Đoni Ljilji je jedino bitno da dođe do pristojnog muškarca za brak i za to će učiniti sve. Dalje od toga i djece je ne zanima, nema mašte ništa ne poduzima sama, moram joj sve reći i objasniti zašto je to erotika." Zastao je i dopunio čašu sa viskijem potom otpio gutljaj. "Goga je drugo. Ujedno ovdje u svojoj struci mogu i pristojno zaraditi voziti pristojan auto i pristojan motor uz to i pristojno živjeti. Sve to mojima ne bih mogao normalno objasniti i njih samo zanima kada ću se zaposliti i kada ću se oženiti. Ljilji ne bih imao što reći izuzev da je krava. Mislim da je bolje sve to ne raditi." Goga je donjihala kukovima iz kuhinje i stavila tanjur sa šunkom i sirom pred nas. Potom je polako sjela na fotelju preko puta mene i prekrižila noge. Gledala me ljubazno ali sam osjetio jezu na potiljku. U tom pogledu je bilo nešto zmijsko. Polako je nasula čašicu votke i otpila. Kada je progovorila bilo je to tihim ugodnim glasom. "Đoni ostaješ spavati ovdje ili se vraćaš u ono lezbijsko gnijezdo kod Bose?" Pogledao sam je u oči. Vidio sam samo prazninu i ništa više. Takav pogled sam susretao kod osoba koje su imale jasan cilj u glavi i nisu prezale ni pred čim da ga ostvare. Pitanje je bilo previše otrovno, nije mi bilo jasno zašto i kako joj se Bosa zamjerila. Duboko sam udahnuo. "Mislim da ostajem kod Bose, a cure su OK i ne bih volio komentirati njihov način života. To je njihova stvar meni to ne smeta." Onaj zmijski pogled ponovno je bljesnuo prema meni. "Možda su OK samo zato što im treba dobra zamjena za vibrator pa ..." Škot je živčano mahnuo rukom prema Gogi. "Dosta pusti Đonija na miru. Neke smo stvari ti i ja raspravili i drži se dogovora." Okrenuo je glavu prema meni. "Đoni ti i Škot uvijek ste nam dobrodošli samo ne zamjeri Goga i ja smo malo napeti radi njenog bivšeg pa stvari nekada djeluju čudno. Uostalom idemo jesti dovoljno smo popili." Posegnuo je za jednom od tri vilice pored tanjura i istom dohvatio komad tvrdog sira. Dok je ubacivao sir u usta odmahnuo je glavom. Posegnuo sam za drugom vilicom iz jednostavnog razloga da dobijem na vremenu i smirim se. Polako sam žvakao komad švarcvald šunke i šutao. Čekao sam da stvari same krenu dalje. Nakon par minuta šutnje i žvakanja Goga je odmahnula glavom. "Đoni žao mi je nisam te željela povrijediti. Mislim da bi nam malo hladne cole svima pasalo." Odnjihala je kukovima prema kuhinji. Pogledah Škota. Nevoljko je žvakao. "Škot uzet ću par svojih stvari i čujemo se za dan dva. Budemo svi pametniji tada." Pogledao me i klimnuo glavom. "Može Đoni u pravu si, budemo malo pametniji." Goga se vratila iz kuhinje sa bocom coca cole i tri čaše. Pažljivo je natočila. Otpio sam gutljaj dva cole i digao se sa trosjeda. "Idem do sobe uzeti par svojih stvari i čujemo se sutra ili najkasnije prekosutra. Može?" Škot je klimnuo glavom, a Goga mi se nasmiješila. Polako sam krenuo do "naše muške" sobe. Kada sam pokupio stvari i vratio ključ Škot me otpratio do motora. Goga mi je uputila samo hladno "Ciao" i brzi pogled, kao da joj je na neki način laknulo što odlazim. Škot mi je stavio ruku na rame kada smo izašli iz zgrade i polako hodao pored mene do motora. "Đoni ne zamjeri mi ništa molim te. Ako sam i bio neugodan ponekada ovih dana nije mi bilo lako donijeti odluku. Znaš Goga je ipak nešto posebno i sve mi se posložilo ovih dana." Kada sam se nasmiješio i klimnuo glavom spustio je ruku. "Sve u redu Škot nazvat ću te za dan dva pa se svi okupimo na kavi negdje i dogovorimo detalje." Odmahnuo je glavom. "Vrata su vam uvijek otvorena, raširio je ruke, dođite kad god želite, samo se malo najavite da ne budemo u nezgodnoj situaciji." Završio je sa osmjehom. Polako sam završio sa pričvršćivanjem torbe na prtljažnik i uspravio se. Pogledao sam ga u oči. "Škot sretno ma što želio učiniti. Vidimo se." Kada sam počeo skidati kacigu sa upravljača pljesnuo me po ramenu okrenu se i otišao. Gledao sam za njim dok nije nestao iza ulaznih vrata zgrade. Hodao je nekako usiljeno opušteno. Navukao sam kacigu zajahao i startao motor. Slijedila je vožnja do Bose i Petre, a dan je već bio pri kraju. Pogledao sam nebo. Prvi znaci večeri su se već pojavljivali. Nisam volio provlačenje kroz ovu gradsku gužvu u njemačkoj, a pogotovu u uvjetima mog slabog poznavanja grada i ceste. Udahnuo sam i ubacio u prvu. Više od sat i pol kasnije uspio sam pronaći pravo skretanje ka Bosinom stanu. Polako sam parkirao ispred ulaza. Auto je bio parkiran kao znak da su se cure vratile. Oslobodio sam torbu sa prtljažnika potom našao ključ u džepu. Bacio sam torbu na rame i prišao vratima. Nije se ništa čulo. Otključao sam i ušao. Prvo što sam uočio bile su dvije velike prazne kartonske kutije u hodniku. Zaputih se ka otvorenim vratima dnevnog boravka. Bosa je sjedila u fotelji, između dvije gomile vrećica razbacanih po podu, pijuckajući nešto iz čašice, a Petra je sjedila na stolici u kutu. Na glavi je imala integralnu moto kacigu srebrne boje vidljivo par brojeva veću. Na računalnom stoliću ispred nje je stajao PC kompjuter i tipkovnica. Na ekranu monitora prepoznah popularnu računalnu igru pucačine "space dragons". Upucavala je nadolazeće vanzemaljce i imitirala glas iz radio uređaja. "Misija zove zemlju, za sada ih držimo na odstojanju ali oni nadiru molim upute kako da ih popiiiiiškimo." Pogledah Bosu i nasmiješih se pokazujući glavom na Petru. Odgovorila mi je širokim osmijehom i slijeganjem ramenima odmahujući glavom u stilu "ludo stvorenje što ćeš". Spustih torbu i pazeći na razbacane vrećice različitih trgovina po podu priđoh Bosi. Nagnuo sam se i udijelio pusu. Malo me zagrlila i pljesnula po glavi. "Kuda si se smucao danas?" Slegoh ramenima. "Pričat ću ti imao sam razgovor sa Strelom pa sa Škotom i trenutno mi treba samo pi….." "BLAM BLAAAM!" Glas iza mojih leđa je bio Petrin, polako se okrenuh. Stajala je sa kacigom na glavi i imitirala rukom ispruženom prema meni pištolj, po svoj prilici svemirski sudeći po zvuku koji je proizvodila. Polako je imitirala vraćanje pištolja za pojas. "Halo misija zove bazu upravo smo zrakom niske energije ošamutili čudnu nesređenu izluđenu nezemaljsku formu života, sada je idem detaljnije proučiti." Skinula je kacigu i preskočila dvije vrećice prema meni. Gledala me sa smiješkom. "Kupile smo PC na rasprodaji za mene, a ovo za tebe." Pružila mi je kacigu. Čim sam je prihvatio osjetih da je dosta lakša od moje istočno njemačke koju sam pustio u hodniku. Vizir se podizao elegantnim pokretom umjesto ona tri drukera na koje se zakopčavao vizir na mojoj. Nasmiješih se prema Petri. "Hvala upravo takvo nešto sam imao namjeru nabaviti." Nasmiješila se malo podigla glavu i napućila usne pokazujući prstom prema istim. Nagnuh se i udijelih joj pusu. Nasmijali smo se. Polako sam sjeo na trosjed. Petra je nestala u pravcu kuhinje. Odložio sam kacigu pored sebe i pogledao Bosu. Odmahnula je glavom. "Ma što ti se dogodilo nije ugodno, izgledaš jako iscrpljeno." Nastojao sam odgovoriti smiješkom. "Škot je prolupao od kada se spetljao sa Gogom. Odlučio je ostati u Njemačkoj sa njom. Nije to problem već se ne želi ni vratiti i raščistiti sa svojima i sada već bivšom curom. Kao da Goga ima neku magiju nad njim." Bosa me pažljivo fiksirala u oči. "Nije to tako strašno, više nego dovoljno je odrastao, a njegovi odnosi sa okolicom roditeljima i curom su samo njegova stvar. Što se tiče Goge vjeruj mi ima neku moć i to ne samo nad njim." Ispila je ostatak visoke čašice do kraja. Petra se pojavila i spustila na stol pladanj sa bocom Tequile slanikom, zdjelicom sa kriškama limuna i dvije čašice. Sklonila je kacigu i sjela do mene. "Moramo nazdraviti za moj prvi PC, Bosa je već počela čim smo se vratile ali ja još nisam. Eeeee onaj grah ti odlično miriše pa sam uključila da se podgrije. Sada idemo na zdravicu. Znaš piti tequilu?" Dok je pričala nasula je do vrha sve tri čašice i stavila po krišku limuna na svaku. Klimnuh glavom liznuh malo nadlanicu i pružih prema njoj. Podigla je slanik i istresla malo soli na moju potom Bosinu nadlanicu, sebi je istresla direktno u usta. Liznuli smo sol i podigli čašice u znak zdravice potom ih istresosmo "na eks". Polako sam sisao krišku limuna i stavio praznu čašicu pred Petru. Bosa je učinila isto. Nakon druge čašice izvadih cigaretu gledajući u Bosu. "Goga je živjela sa vama kada je došla u njemačku?" Pogledala me začuđeno. "Nikada to nisi pitao do sada. Da živjela je sa nama skoro godinu i pol dok se nije sredila i materijalno i psihološki." "U kakvoj ste vezi bili?" Sada me već pogledala oštrije. "Ni u kakvoj." Posegnula je za mojom kutijom cigareta i izvukla jednu. "Bambi to je duga priča Goga nije ono za što vam se predstavlja ali nećemo sada nema potrebe." Odmahnula je glavom. "Pusti sve to i opusti se malo ne ideš sutra ima dana rzjasnit ćemo sve polako." Djelovala je uznemireno pa sam ušutao. "Govorite njemački inače se osjećam izolirano. I pominjete Goga Goga pa što sa njom?" Petrin glas me vratio u ravnotežu. Bosa je pogleda i nasmiješi se. "Upravo otkriva neke detalje o Gogi ali pustit ćemo to večeras nakon kupnje sam previše dobre volje da se bavim glupostima." Bosa je prebacila na Njemački. Petra se samo nasmiješila potom me bocnula kažiprstom u rame uopće ne gledajući u mene. "Kupile smo ti još nešto samo da znaš." Nastojao sam napraviti radoznao izraz lica. "Što reci mi, reci mi moolim te?" Polako je ustala i trijumfalno me pogledala. "Gaćice i grudnjak sve u čipki stajat će ti suuuper." Počela je tražiti po vrećicama i vratila se sa pružajući mi jednu crnu manju. Pitao sam se da li su stvarno unutra gaćice i grudnjak Petra je djelovala dovoljno "otkačeno" da mi i kupi tako nešto. Pažljivo je otvorih. Polako sam izvadio crnu majicu sa slikom lubanje i chopper motora potom široki kožni kaubojski remen koji je imao metalnu kopču u obliku lubanje bika. Crna koža i sjajna kopča su izgledale odlično. Polako podigoh ruku i poslah jednu zračnu pusu Petri potom Bosi. Bosa se smijala. "Kaciga je bila moja ideja bile su na rasprodaji, a remen i majicu je našla Petra." Petra je krenula prema kuhinji. "Idemo jesti poslije filozofirajte o toj kuji Gogi." Odlučio sam ništa ne pitati polako sam se podigao prekoračio torbu koju sam pustio i krenuo ka kuhinji i blagavaoni. Bosa se polako provlačila između vrećica potom me potapšala po leđima. "Ne idemo nikuda pa skini te traperice jako su prljave bacit ću ih u perilicu. Imaš druge?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Rezervne sam potrošio na putu do ovdje, a nikako da kupim jedne. Budem narednih dana." "Nema veze nakon večere skidaj trapke i pod tuš poslije možeš i bez njih idu u perilicu. Ujutro će biti već skoro suhe." Petra je postavljala tanjure na stol. "Možeš i sada skinuti traperice pa navučeš samo čizme i večeraš, nama bude zanimljivo." Počela se smijati. Pogledah Bosu, pokazujući glavom ka Petri, potom uzvratih pazeći da ne zaboravim govoriti njemački. "Ona bi i u prometnoj nesreći, koja joj se dogodi, našla vedru stranu." Petra se smijala vadeći pivo iz hladnjaka. Polako sam se zavukao pod pokrivač u spavaćoj sobi. Čekao sam uobičajeni ritual da cure obave neki razgovor dok peru zube potom da Bosa dođe prva u krevet. Osjećao sam se umorno i nije mi se dalo preći na drugu stranu kreveta i isključiti noćnu lampu. Pasalo mi je samo ležati. Vrata su se polako otvorila, nisam otvarao oči čekao sam Bosu da legne pored mene i da se počnemo ljubiti. Legla je na mene. Otvorio sam oči i ugledao Petrine oči i nosić. Poljubila me. "Večeras igramo drugačije." Smiješila se. "Želim te nešto pitati. Zašto te Bosa zove Bambi?" Polako je zagrlih sa obije ruke. "To mi je bio nadimak dobar dio mladosti. Kada smo bili u školi vodili su nas da gledamo crtić Bambi. Kada je bila scena u kojoj lovci ubiju Bambijevu mamu ja sam počeo plakati, tako su me prozvali Bambi." Poljubila me dugo i nježno. "Izgledaš grubo ponašaš se grubo ali imaš dušu i osjećaje. Ne skrivaj ih." Đoni, samo hrabro. Zabavi nas u ove hladnije dane. Nisam nikad vjerovao da postoji bajker-pisac, ali evo. :aplauz: Đoni, samo hrabro. Zabavi nas u ove hladnije dane. Nisam nikad vjerovao da postoji bajker-pisac, ali evo. :aplauz: Hvala Dr. ovaj put neće biti duljih pauza nadam se "Izgledaš grubo ponašaš se grubo ali imaš dušu i osjećaje. Ne skrivaj ih." Polako sam skrenuo na parking benzinske crpke. Prebaci sam u prvu i malo dodao gas držeći motor više na kvačilu. Uočio sam Strelu na kraju parkinga. Stajao je pored svog motora. Cura do njega je djelovala simpatično. Niža punašna plavuša. Preko ramena je jednom rukom držala ruksak. Pretpostavlajo sam da je to Bruna. Dok sam im polako prilazio uočio sam crveni skuter do Strelinog ČZ-a. Na upravljaču skutera je visjela šarena kaciga. Ubacih se do skutera i ugasih motor. Dok sam silazio Strela je nešto govorio curi. Polako sam skinuo kacigu i prišao im. Strela se nasmiješio. "Imaš novu kacigu i to dobru kako vidim?" Okrenuo se prema curi i nasmiješio. Započeo je na svom tarzan engleskom. "Ovo je Đoni, Đoni ovo je Bruna." Nasmješih se i rukovah sa curom. Ispod plave kose su me promatrala dva plava oka vražićka. Nasmijala se i klimnula glavom. "Drago mi je." Klimnuh glavom prema skuteru. Klimnula je. "Moj i samo moj najdraži skuter." Iako je to izgovorila uz osmjeh i mirno imala je nešto od one Petrine otkačenosti u sebi. "Koja je marka? Koliko ima kubika?" Pazio sam da govorim engleski radi Strele čiji njemački je bio na minimalnom nivou. "Kupila sam ga rabljenog, kada sam ga kupovala imao je 80 ccm, nasmiješila se, sada možda ima jedan do dva ccm više. Inače Yamaha city cv 80, a zovu ga još i Beluga." Slegla je ramenima i pljesnula me po podlaktici. "Ako si završio sa inspekcijom najvažnije stvari u vašim životima idemo na kavu i kolače, na ovoj benzinskoj su najbolji kolači, a nisu skupi." Pogledah Strelu i nasmiješih se, namignuo mi je u stilu "sve ok stari sviđaš joj se". Polako smo krenuli ka kafiću. Odabrali smo stol u kutu. Bruna je odmah naručila tri velike kave sa mlijekom i tri komada torte sa sirom i orasima. Način na koji je komunicirala sa konobaricom je ukazivao da se znaju od prije. Polako sam smotao cigaretu od Samson kupovnog duhana. Zamjetih da je i Strela motao isti duhan. Dok sam mu palio cigaretu upitah. "Nestalo ti rezervi duhana?" Klimnuo je glavom. "Mislim da sam pustio dvije trećine u onoj vrećici u sobi uzeo sam samo jedan dio zalihe koliko sam mislio da mi pripada. Ti nisi uzimao ništa?" Pljucnuo sam listić duhana i odmahnuo glavom. "Bilo je previše neugodno sa Gogom tako da sam samo pokupio svoje stvari u torbu i zgibao van. Ostala je i kamp oprema i sve rezerve." Konobarica je donijela kolače i kavu te tri čaše vode. Dok je odlazila namignula je Bruni. Posegoh za čašom i otpih gutljaj. Bruna se odmah bacila na kolač. Polazeći od načina na koji je jela vidjelo se da uživa u slatkišima. To je vjerojatno i objašnjavalo onih par kilograma viška. Strela je otpio gutljaj kave i povukao dim iz cigarete. "Kako je prošao razgovor sa Škotom?" Odmahnuh glavom i posegoh za šalicom kave. "Nikako, definitivno kako je rekao ostaje i to od sada pa nadalje, ne želi se čak ni vratiti i popričati sa svojima i Ljiljom. Sranje, objašnjenja će pasti na nas kada se vratimo. Ponaša se kao da je na nekoj drogi." Škot je već jeo onaj kolač sa sirom preko zalogaja je dobacio. "Na drogi zvanoj Goga. Što misliš da je pametno za nas od sada dalje?" Čekao sam dok nije progutao zalogaj i otpio malo kave. Dok je posezao za upaljenom cigaretom u pepeljari slegoh ramenima. "Mislim da je naj pametnije da ostanemo još sedam do deset dana maksimalno. U tom razdoblju pustimo Škota na samo sa Gogom. Nećemo ga niti zivkati niti posjećivati. Pozvat ćemo ga na razgovor dan dva prije polaska nazad. Možda se ohladi i u međurazdoblju promjeni mišljenje. Mislim možda mu dođe iz dupeta u glavu da bi trebao ipak otići doma i sam rasčistiti sve sa kim treba." Strela je povukao dim iz cigarete i klimnu glavom dok je ispuštao polako dim između usana klimnuo je još jedan put. "Pametno i mislim da je to jedino što možemo učiniti. Ne vjerujem da će promijeniti odluku ali možda će u tom razdoblju kako tako rasčistiti telefonom pa nama ostane manje pitanja kada se vratimo. Zvao sam Miru i znam da Ljilja ništa ne zna." Odmahnuo je glavom i povukao novi dim iz cigarete potom ugasio čik u pepeljari. Polako sam ugasio svoj ostatak cigarete i posegao za vilicom. Bruna je iz ruksaka izvukla neki časopis i počela čitati. "Strela ako imaš problema sa smještajem slobodno javi i dođi kod Bose. Pitao sam i cure su suglasne da dobiješ sobu ako treba." Nasmiješio se. "Nema frke ali hvala. Bruna zna sve kako sam ti objasnio i čak je uzela godišnji da bi više bili zajedno dok sam tu. Isto važi i za tebe ona se složila ako bude potrebe da spavaš u dnevnom boravku. Stančić je mali ali simpa uređen budeš vidio." Polako sam sažvakao komad kolača pustio vilicu i posegao za kavom. "Što imaš u planu za danas. Preko telefona si nabacio da si nam isplanirao dan sa Brunom?" Prebacio sam se na engleski i Bruna je podigla pogled sa onog časopisa prema meni. Škot je malo udahnuo potom ispalio. "Picnic hm piknik in mountaines." Pogledao je u Brunu. Ona je shvatila i brzo preuzela. "Idemo obići jednu staru tvrđavu u brdima po legendi podigli su je teutonski vitezovi. Biće ti zanimljivo. Poslije možemo u jedno selo na kupanje imaju veliki bazen na izvorima termalne vode. Imam sendviče colu iiiii …, namignula je, dva joint-a. Ja vozim prva." Polako sam dovršio kolač i kavu dok sam motao cigaretu Strela je platio račun. Dok smo prilazili motorima Strela je pokazao glavom prema Bruni." "Onaj njen skuter je živahan gad, a ona dobro mota tako da ćeš se malo iznenaditi vožnjom." Nasmješih se. "Isprobat ćemo je kada dođu zavoji na usponu." Sjedio sam za stolom u restoranu i čekao da me Mirjana zapazi. Uvijek mi se javljala kada bih navratio u restoran, u neku ruku bili smo prijatelji. Polako sam pijuckao kavu i guštao e-cigaretu. Nije trebalo puno da Mirjana dođe do mog stola. "Bog kako si?" Izbacila je sjedajući na stolicu preko puta mene. "Bok Mirjana, guštam kavu, kako tebi ide?" Izvukla je kutiju sa cigaretama iz džepa pregače i nasmiješila se paleći jednu. "Kao uvijek u ovo doba godine, turista ima, ima i posla vidio si prošli put kada si došao na večeru. Ne žalim se." Gledala me je upitno. Nasmiješih se. "Treba mi obavijest ako to znaš, a moguće je da znaš. Kada sam prošli put bio na večeri došla je jedna riđokosa žena, visoke potpetice čipka čarape i ...." "Veliki izrez na haljini da se sve to bolje vidi." Prekinula me je. "Znam je dolazila je prošle godine ovdje par puta na večeru malo smo popričali i svidjelo joj se i jelo i mjesto. Čekala sam da me možda pitaš za nju." Podigoh obrve upitno uz osmijeh. Otpuhnula je dim iz cigarete. "Prošli put me pitala za tebe, kako se zoveš i znam li od kuda si." Polako sam posegao za njenom kutijom i izvadio cigaretu, zapalila mi je bez riječi. "Da se ne zove možda Gordana?" Klimnula je glavom. "Je sama ovdje?" Slegla je ramenima. "Mislim da ovaj put je, prošli put je bila sa nekim mulcem od 25 godina ili slično kojeg je očigledno financirala za izlaske i zabavu ali ne pitaj me više. Koliko kužim iz tvojih je krajeva i nije se puno iznenadila kada sam joj rekla tvoje ime i da si koliko znam iz Zemuna." Povukao sam dim i udahnuo duboko. "Znaš li u kojem hotelu je?" "Znam Kristal, soba je 214 i to je sve što bih ti rekla." Otresao sam pepeo sa cigarete i namigno joj. "Može jedna dupla loza." Nije ništa pitala polako se podigla i krenula ka šanku. Minutu kasnije konobarica mi je donijela čašicu na stol. "Kuća časti, tako je gazdarica rekla." Nasmiješih joj se. "Imaš cigaretu viška." "Ne ne pušim ali pitaću Mirjanu." Klimnuo sam glavom. Gledao sam prazno okolo dok se udaljavala. Par minuta kasnije donijela je kutiju cigareta i upaljač te ih pustila na stolu ništa ne pitajući. Posegnuo sam i zapalio jednu. Trebalo je odlučiti. Posegnuo sam i zapalio jednu. Trebalo je odlučiti. Prijatelji se ne napuštaju Pogledao sam kroz prozor, pljusak je polako popuštao. Ljetnja oluja se se najavljivala već par sati, nakupinama oblaka i povremenim snažnim udarima vjetra. Konačno je počela uz grmljavinu i pljusak negdje oko osam navečer. Polako se okrenuh od prozora. Bosa je stajala za štednjakom i spremala meso i gljive, Petra je sjedila za stolom u blagavaonici i lakirala nokte. Bile su uvijek u različitim izdanjima kućne garderobe. Bosa je nosila mekanu kućnu haljinu i malo punije tamno plave samostojeće čarape te natikače sa malo višim potpeticama. Uvijek je nastojala prekriti onaj ožiljak od operacije na nozi čarapama. Petra je sjedila u šarenoj majici dugih rukava i smeđim hulahopkama, njene natikače - patkice se nisu uklapale ni u što. Sjetih se da je Petra par minuta prije cičala dok joj Bosa nije dopustila da mali nokat na njenoj ruci namaže svojim tamno crvenim lakom. Polako i oprezno se približih stolu i posegoh za kutijom sa cigaretama pazeći da ne izazovem Petrinu pažnju. Nije upalilo, dok sam palio cigaretu podigla je pogled sa posla mazanja noktiju i četkice. "Hei sjedi tu i pruži palac." Znao sam što slijedi. Pogledah Bosu. Namignula mi je i nasmiješila se. "Imamo dosta acetona poslije to lako skinemo ili želiš iskušati njenu upornost." Uzdahnuh duboko i polako sjedoh za stol. Prebacih cigaretu u lijevu ruku. Nevoljko sam pružio desnu ruku uzdignutog palca prema Petri. U ovih par dana sam naučio da je najbolje dopustiti joj da svaku svoju sitnu ludost dovede do kraja u protivnom je bila dosadno uporna, a sve propraćeno cičanjem nagovaranjem i smijehom. Skužio sam da joj na neki način ne mogu odbiti ispunjenje želje. Zgrabila je moj palac i postavila ga relativno ravno prema sebi. Posao je završila u par poteza i promotrila svoj rad. "Taako sada smo svi isti. Možeš biti od koristi i nasuti nam aperitiv, nismo ništa popili već tri dana." Petak večer smo odlučili iskoristiti za zajedničku kućnu večeru. Petra je već pripremila francuski krumpir, a Bosa je upravo dovršavala meso i gljive. Pazeći na onaj namazani nokat polako sam ustao od stola. "Pazi da ne zamažeš sve tim noktom." Dobacila je Petra dok sam se udaljavao. Otvorih hladnjak i izvadih onu bocu tequile i limun. Postavio sam je na pladanj i izrezao šnite limuna te ih postavio na tanjurić. Osjećao sam se malo umorno dok sam tražio slanik. Zadnje tri noći je bilo naporno ali i sjajno. Prije nikada nisam pomišljao na tako nešto u seksu. Sada mi se sve činilo normalnim. Polako sam dodao tri visoke čašice na poslužavnik i odnio sve do stola. Petra je pazeći na nokte dohvatila bocu i napunila ih dok sam sjedao nazad na svoje mjesto. Položila je šnitu limuna na svaku čašicu i pozvala Bosu rukom. Zamjetih da mi je lak na onm noktu već suh. Bosa je promiješala gljive u tavi i polako krenula ka stolu. Telefon je zazvonio. Pogledah u Bosu. Slegla je ramenima i prišla telefonu. Pogledah na sat bilo je devet i pet minuta. Bosa se javila na njemačkom poslušala nešto i odgovorila na hrvatskom. "Tu je samo malo." Spustila je slušalicu pored telefona i polako krenula ka kuhinji gledajući u našem pravcu. "Bambi Strela te treba." Ovo nije mirisalo na nešto dobro. Nismo se čuli još od onog zajedničkog izleta. Sutra smo se trebali čuti dogovoriti gdje ćemo se naći obići rasprodaje u centru, ujedno smo trebali dogovoriti detalje oko povratka. Iznenadni poziv nakon devet sati navečer nije obećavao ništa dobro. Podižući slušalicu ponadah se da je samo želio večeras dogovoriti detalje za sutra. "Halo Đoni frka je sa Škotom i Gogom." Ponadah se da je samo neka svađa i razlaz. "Kakva frka." Strela je počekao par sekundi sa odgovorom. Znao sam da se pokušava skoncetrirati na kratak i jezgrovit odgovor. "Nalaze se u onom disko baru "Western Gold", imali su nekakvu raspravu sa Goginim bivšim dečkom, sada ih isti sa ekipom čeka vani na parkingu. Ako izađu i krenu ka autu vjerojatno će biti nasilja. Škot mi se javio, rekao je da ne žele zvati policiju objasnit će sve kada dođemo." Počekao sam par sekundi da mi sve izrečeno legne na mjesto. Osjetih trnce po vrhovima prstiju. "Gdje se nalazi taj Western Gold, je to onaj bar gdje nas Goga htjela voditi? Ti si bio tamo ako se ne varam, a ja sam došao do Bose?" "Točno i meni i tebi je na pola puta između nas, na cesti Hamburg - Ahernsburg. Veliki tržni centar izvan grada jedini na cesti sa benzinskom i gomilom trgovina, velikim parkingom, a na drugom kraju parkinga je disko bar Western Gold." "Počekaj malo." Okrenuo sam se prema Bosi spuštajući slušalicu sa uha. Zabrinuto me je gledala. "Znaš li gdje je disko bar Western Gold?" Klimnula je glavom. Podigoh slušalicu na uho. "Sve riješeno Bosa će mi objasniti gdje je to mjesto. Gdje se nađemo?" "Uđi u bar Škot i Goga su za šankom u kutu stižem čim prije. Bruna ima neku staru bubu pa budući da je kiša dolazimo autom." "OK vidimo se za šankom." Spustio sam slušalicu. Priđoh Bosi, gledala me zabrinuto u oči. "Neka frka Bambi?" Klimnuh glavom. "Škot i Goga su u disko baru Western Gold imaju neku frku sa Goginim bivšim pa Strela i ja idemo vidjeti kakva pomoć treba. Objasni mi gdje je taj disko bar." Bosa je duboko udahnula i sklonila tavu sa štednjaka. Isključila je ploču i pogledala u Petru odmahujući glavom, potom se okrenula prema meni. "Još pada kiša idemo zajedno autom do tamo. Samo mi reci koji bivši i koja frka? Ima par bivših sa kojima je u kontaktu, koliko ja znam, a nijedan od njih nije nasilan." Slegoh ramenima kratko i brzo. "Što ja znam, Škot je zvao Strelu i rekao da nas treba. Imali su neku raspravu sa Goginim bivšim i sada ih ekipa čeka na parkingu. To je dovoljno." Okrenuo sam se i krenuo ka ulaznom hodniku po čizme i jaknu. Bosa je krenula za mnom. "Bambi možda to nije tvoja stvar. Izlazile smo dosta u taj disko bar znamo vlasnika. Ima dobre redare i ne bi dopustio nikakvu tuču uostalom postoji i poziv policiji ovo je njemačka i svi imaju pravo na brzu zaštitu. Moraš li gurati nos u Gogine frke?" Posegao sam za čizmom i podigao je. Okrenuh se polako držeći čizmu u ruci. "Škot i Strela su mi cijeli život prijatelji. Ne želim napustiti niti jednoga od njih u nevolji. Nije mi bitno koji je razlog frke. Frka je trebaju me i idem tamo. Ako me iz nekoga razloga ne možeš voziti objasni gdje je točno to mjesto i idem sam motorom, dalje nemam vremena za rasprave." Polako je odmahnula glavom. "Ja sam kriva trebala sam ti ranije neke stvari objasniti. Ne ideš sam idemo sa tobom samo nam daj minutu da navučemo nešto na sebe." Okrenula se i krenula ka Petri koja je sjedila i zbunjeno nas gledala. Nije ni bilo čudno razgovor se nije vodio na njemačkom, a zvučao je malo oštro. Bosa je prišla Petri i zagrlila je jednom rukom. Progovorila je na njemačkom. "Idemo navući traperice sve ti objasnim uz put." Petra je klimnula glavom i ustala od stola, dok su se penjale prema spavaćoj sobi uputila mi je neki čudan pogled. Živčan sjedoh na pod i navukoh čizme. Digao sam se jednim potezom i posegnuo za jaknom. Nadao sam se da će cure biti brze. Pet minuta kasnije, koji su meni bili vrlo dugi, spustile su se dolje u trapericama i tenisicama. Bosa je nosila jaknu od trapera preko majice, Petra staru kožnu jaknu. Krenuh prema vratima. Petra je spretno skrenula na veliki poluprazni parking i usmjerila auto ka ulazu u Western Gold. Dok smo se vozili nismo razgovarali, pitao sam se što je Bosa rekla Petri u sobi dok su se presvlačile, a budući da ista nije ništa pitala. Disko bar je bio urađen u stilu western saluna sa nadastrešnicom i pomičnim ulazanim vrtima iza kojih su se vidjela prava ulazna vrata. Lijevo od ulaznih vrata su bile postavljene prečke za vezivanje konja, a ispred istih parkirano nekoliko motora. Desno od ulaza je bio normalan parking sa nekoliko auta. Petra se spretno ubacila na jedno slobodno mjesto. Lik ispred ulaza je imao kratku kosu oko dva metra i 120 kilograma, uglavnom mišića. Nosio je traperice, kaubojske čizme, majicu i kožni prsluk u western stilu. Pažljivo me je pogledao dok sam prolazio. Bosa i Petra su me slijedile. Pogled mu je skliznuo prema njima i samo je klimnuo glavom. "Dobro veče." Klimnuh mu glavom i polako otvorih ona pomična salunska vrata. Nakon dva metra hodnika su bila prava vrata. Polako ih otvorih i počekah da cure uđu. Prostorija je bila poluprazna. Veliki drveni stolovi i klupe su bili poredani u obliku slova L oko šanka koji je zauzimao polovicu stražnjeg zida. Dva velika prozora su gledala prema parkingu. Sve je bilo uređeno u stilu western saluna, a na zidovima obljepljenim pločicama sa imitacijom kamena na drvenim pločama su bile plakate poznatih western filmova. To je bilo sve od ukrasa, ako se izuzme prigušeno svijetlo. Društvo je bilo šaroliko i sudeći po odjeći u vrlo slobodnom stilu. Zamjetih Strelu i Škota kako stoje na samom kraju šanka odmah do zida. Goga je sjedila na visokoj barskoj stolici uza zid, a metar dalje od nje sa pivom u ruci je stajala Bruna. Mahnuh glavom curama i krenuh ka Streli i Škotu. Dok sam prilazio zamjetih još dvojicu mišićavih dvometraša kako sjede za prvim stolom nedaleko od kraja šanka za kojim su Strela i Škot stajali. Jedan je izgledao slično i bio obučen jednako kao onaj na ulazu. Drugi je nosio kvalitetno odijelo košulju bez kravate smeđu bradu i konjski rep. Pažljivo su me pratili pogledom. Glazba je bila prigušena. Pljesnuh Strelu po ramenu potom Škota po ispruženom dlanu. Nasmiješili su mi se. Ispred nih na šanku su stajale tri pune čašice, Goga je držala čašu sa nekom zelenom tekućinom u ruci, sudeći po boji i komadićima voća neki koktel. Nije gledala u Brunu. Klimnula mi je glavom. Mahnuh Bruni, uputila mi je zabrinut pogled. Okrenuh se pokazujući rukom prema curama. "Ovo su Bosa i Petra, Bosu znate, a Petra je Bosina prijateljica." Petra je nevoljko klimnula glavom dok se Bosa kiselo nasmiješila. Goga je šutjela i samo nam mahnula rukom. Ove dvije su se pravile da je ne primjećuju Pogledah u Škota. "Gdje je problem?" Nije odgovorio. Okrenuo se i dohvatio dvije čašice sa šanka. Jednu je pružio meni. Strela je dohvatio treću. "Znali smo da ćeš doći, zato smo ti naručili piće." Okrenuo se ka Bosi i Petri. "Što želite popiti." Bosa je odmahnula glavom, djelovala je izrazito loše raspoložena. Slegao je ramenima i ponovno se okrenuo ka meni. "Već sam objasnio Streli. Ukratko došli smo ovdje na koje piće i da se dogovorimo idemo li dalje u život. Nije bilo mjesta na parkingu ispred vrata pa je Goga parkirala u redu lijevo od ulaza. Sjeli smo ovdje za šank, nakon pola sata naletio je Gogin bivši onaj što je telefonski progonio zadnjih dana. Bio je u društvu neka tri lika. Zajeban nabildan lik, a ni ona trojica se nisu puno razlikovala od njega. Uglavnom snimio nas je i prišao. Tražio je od Goge da popričaju par minuta. Nisam želio stvarati frku u startu, klimnuo sam joj glavom i prihvatila je. Udaljili su se prema onom stolu, za kojim sada sjede ona dva snagatora, stali i započeli priču. Odavde nisam čuo ništa ali sam ih pratio pogledom. Kako mi je poslije objasnila pokušala je na finjaka odbiti bilo koju raspravu o obnavljanju veze, vidio sam samo da je Goga par puta odmahnula glavom i nešto mu rekla. Tada je podivljao uhvatio je za ruku i počeo vući vičući nešto u stilu kujo ili slično. Normalno umiješao sam se i uvalio liku jedan dobar udarac. Dohvatili smo se, oni njegovi su krenuli ka nama i vjerojatno bih najebao ali su se umješala sva tri redara. Onaj što sada stoji na ulazu i ona dvojica što sjede za stolom preko puta." Mahnuo je glavom ka snagatorima koje sam uočio dok sam prilazio. Potom je podigao čašicu i otpio. Uradio sam isto pokušavajući da sredim dojmove o dosadašnjem objašnjenju. Nakon gutljaja klimnuh glavom. Škot me shvatio i produljio. "Dvojica redara su nas razdvojila, a treći se postavio prema onim njegovim majmunima i nešto im oštro rekao na njemačkom pa su stali. Nakon minutu ja sam sjedio na svom starom mjestu za šankom, a onu četvoricu su izbacili van. Naručili smo novo piće i vodu da se sredimo. Piće nam je donio onaj gorila u odijelu sa konjskim repom. Objasnio mi je da je Horst prvi počeo sa nasiljem prema Gogi pa su ih zato sve zajedno bez razmišljanja izbacili ali da moli i nas kada se sredimo da napustimo lokal. Gazda ne želi nikakve frke ovdje, na prvi znak frke reagirat će i predati stvar policiji na dalje. Klimnuo sam glavom i rekao mu da je u redu. Ionako mi se išlo van nakon svega." Zastao je i ispraznio čašicu do kraja. Podigao sam svoju čašicu otpio i upitao. "Kažeš Horst, pretpostavljam da je to ime Goginog bivšeg?" Krajem oka zamjetih da se Bosa trgnula. Klimnuo je glavom i odložio čašicu na šank. "Da na to ime se kreten odaziva kada mu gazda napuni zdjelicu sa hranom i pozove ga. Ukratko kada smo izašli vidjeli smo da nas čekaju ispred auta. Parkirali su pored našeg auta i čekali da krenemo ka autu. Obratih se onom redaru u odijelu koji im je očigledno šef ali mi lik objasnio da je samo ovaj mali prostor ispred ulaza službeno parking od lokala, ostatak parkinga pripada tržnom centru i njih se to ne tiče, u protivnom bi često imali posla kada se lokalne ekipe navečer napiju pored auta. Rekao je da može pozvati policiju ako želimo. Goga ne želi miješati policiju, treba postati viši rukovoditelj odjela u firmi i saslušanja od strane policije ili nekog suda, ako dođu do ušiju viših managera mogu biti težak problem, a ujedno to i nije naš način." Ispraznih čašicu do kraja i pogledah oko sebe. Strela je stajao i gledao u mene, Goga je sjedila pogleda uprtog u pod, Bruna je bila naslonjena na zid i gledala prazno ispred sebe, Petra se naslonila leđima na šank gledajući negdje između nas ali Bosa je nestala. Pogledah po lokalu. Brzo sam uočio da Bosa priča sa nekim visokim žilavim likom u kožnoj jakni sa resama na drugom kraju šanka. Nije mi bila jasna ali nije bilo vrijeme za raspravljanje ponašanja. Okrenuh se ka Škotu. "Drugim riječima želiš da odemo van i sredimo tu ekipu?" Klimnuo je glavom. "Goga kaže da Horst samo to kuži. Lokalni siledžija sa ekipom lokalnih siledžija. Kada ga je upoznala glumio je finoću, nakon par mjeseci skužila je sa kim ima posla i raskinula ali već šest mjeseci je progoni. Može skužiti samo ako dobije dobre batine uz mogućnost da ih dobije još ako ponovno pogriješi." Strela je klimnuo glavom. "Ako je to tvoj stav ja sam u tome." Obojica su pogledala prema meni. Polako klimnuh glavom. "Nema frke sa vama sam. Reci koliko su tvrdi ovi koji nas čekaju." Škot je slegao ramenima. "Zajebana ekipa, Horst je jak i opasan kako mi se čini, druga dvojica djeluju manje opasno ali onaj četvrti je pravi tenk. Lik ima najviše 175 cm ali djeluje kao da ima 175 kilograma mišića. Lakše ga preskočiti nego obići. Bit će zajebano ali mislim da to možemo." Strela je klimnuo glavom. "Imali smo slične situacije doma polazeći od one prve Acine bande bilo ih je tada šest ako se ne varam." Slegnuh ramenima sa osjećajem mržnje. "Šest psihopatskih govanaca." Osjećao sam trnce u prstima. Pogledah Škota. "Koji bi bio plan?" Nasmiješio se široko. "Idemo prema njima ako ne prihvati razgovor ili ako napadnu, ja bih preuzeo Horsta ti Đoni bi mogao srediti onaj tenk od čovjeka već sam te vidio sa takvim snagatorima imaš mozak za tuču oni ne. Strela bi mogao preuzeti i srediti onu dvojicu ili ih samo zadržati dok mi ne završimo sa problematičnim." Pogledao je u Strelu. Strela je u tučama bio uvjerljivo najbrži od nas. Kretao se brzo i fluidno i jako brzo zadavao udarce rukama i nogama. Realno on je jedini imao šansu preuzeti dvojicu uz neugodnog Horsta i opisani tenk od čovjeka. Polako je klimnuo glavom. "Bez brige mogu ja tu dvojicu srediti ma koliko trajalo." Klimnuh glavom. "Dogovoreno, cure ostaju unutra do kraja frke." Pogledao sam ih u oči. "Idemo ili se molimo i čekamo čudo da se dogodi?" Nasmijali su se i klimnuli. Polako skinuh jaknu i okrenuh se ka Petri. Bosa je sada stajala pored nje. Bile su oko metar udaljene ali po Bosinom izrazu lica bilo je jasno da je čula dobar dio razgovora. Priđoh i pružih jaknu Bosi umjesto Petri kako sam prvobitno namjeravao. Bila je blijeda i uplašena. Nasmješih se dok je prihvaćala jaknu. Ja sam već osjećao trnce niz kralježnicu i u prstima ruku. "Samo mi pričuvaj dok obavimo jedan razgovor." Uhvatila me je za ruku. "Đoni stani. Razgovarala sam sa gazdom lokala znaš da ga poznajem. Mislim da znam tko je taj Gogin bivši, dopusti da ja pokušam možda izgladim to, gazda će mi dati dva redara, a vi samo počekajte, molim te." Nasmiješih se i skinuh njenu ruku sa svoje. "Daj Bosa. Sa lokalnim siledžijama i bandama imamo iskustva, sigurno više nego ti, a i to je naš problem ne tvoj." Okrenuh se ka Škotu. Zamjetio sam da su on i Strela već odložili jakne na šank pored Goge. Goga je djelovala smireno, Bruna je imala pogled uplašenog zeca. Osjetih adrenalin u zraku. Mahnuo sam im rukom i krenuo. Niotkuda ispred mene se stvorio onaj redar u sivom odjelu sa konjskim repom. Pogledao me u oči. "Što će te raditi dalje na parkingu ne tiče me se ali u lokalu i na parkingu ispred lokala ne želimo frku. Nadam se da je dogovoreno?" Rekao je to uz ljubazni osmjeh ali je zvučalo dovoljno uvjerljivo da bi i kamen razmislio ako bi imao namjere drugačije od predloženih. Klimnuh glavom. "Dogovoreno, a vi ne dopustite da cure imaju neke probleme ma što bilo vani. Dogovoreno?" Klimnu je glavom uz ozbiljan izraz lica. "Dogovoreno računaj na to." Polako sam otvorio vrata i izašao. Škot i Strela su me slijedili. Onom redaru na ulazu uputih ljubazan osmijeh. Ništa nije komentirao budući da se onaj sa konjskim repom pojavio odmah iza nas i dao mu znak rukom. Kiša je prestala, a parking je bio solidno osvijetljen uličnim svjetiljkama. Škot skrenu lijevo od ulaza ka drugom kraju parkinga. Slijedili smo ga. Čim smo prošli parkirane aute zamjetih na drugom kraju, oko trideset metara udaljenom od nas, Gogin bijeli BMW 316. Pored njega je bio parkiran crni BMW ali serije 5. Stali smo. Na zadnju haubu crnog auta je bio naslonjen niži lik. Shvatio sam zašto ga je Škot nazvao tenk od čovjeka. Bio je u crnim trapericama sa širokim remenom i crnoj majici. Mogao je imati 175 cm ali ne više. Okrugla glava mu je bila podšišana na skroz kratku jež frizuru, a tijelo je više sličilo na valjak. Problem je bio što se već po mišićima ruku vidjelo da je žestoko nabildan. Udario je brzo dlanom dva puta po haubi. Prednja vozačka i dvoje zadnjih vrata su se otvorila i izbacila tri lika van. Dok su prilazili prijatelju na haubi zamjetih da su bili kratko podšišani i sportski obučeni u traperice majice i tenisice. Jedino je onaj tenk na nogama imao neku vrstu vojničkih čizmi. Najviši od njih je imao oko 190 cm, kratku plavu kosu i nabildani torzo. Škot klimnu glavom ka njemu. "To je Horst on je moj. Onaj tenk je Đonijev, Strela možeš onu dvojicu?" Govorio je tiho. Strela je klimnuo glavom. Ona trojica su stala pored prijatelja ispred auta. Djelovali su opasno. Pogledali smo se između sebe potom raširili približno na odstojanje ispružene ruke. Škot je stao lijevo od mene Strela desno. Udahnuo sam duboko zrak osjećajući lagani grč u želucu i navalu adrenalina, klimnuo sam glavom. Polako smo krenuli prema njima. Oni su malo raširili svoju crtu. Znači imali su iskustva. Nastojao sam da me ne obuzmu osjećaji. Trebao mi je čist i brz mozak protiv onog tenka. Nakon par metara smo uskladili korak. Počeo sam osjećati udare srca. Bilo mi je jasno da ako dođe do tuče lika moram izbjegavati, paziti da mu ne omogućim čist i jak udarac ili da me dohvati rukama. Ako se to dogodi jednostavno bih završio u mašini za mljevenje mesa ili bi bila bolja usporedba pod parnim čekićem koji bi me sredio jednim do dva udarca. Mogu mi pomoći samo Bog i Win Chun tehnike koje sam naučio. Postao sam hladan, mozak mi je počeo raditi kako treba. Sve mi je djelovalo malo usporeno ali jasno. Prišli smo na oko pet metara kada je Horst istupio naprijed i malo podigao ruke. Mislim da je rekao nešto u stilu "vi sigurno ne znate" ali nije stigao dalje od toga. Škot je uletio u njega neočekivanom brzinom. Očigledno je kuhao od bijesa čim nije dopustio niti jedno drugo rješenje. Nisam stigao analizirati bilo što onaj tenk se odvojio od haube na kojoj je sjedio. Bio je brz, brži nego što sam očekivao. Krenuo sam naprijed ali mi je bilo jasno da sam zakasnio. Onih prvih par udaraca koje sam mu zadao uspio je dijelom blokirati ramenom tako da je efekt serije bio slab. Očigledno ga nisam niti uzdrmao. Odskočio sam i zauzeo gard sa jednom podignutom rukom naprijed i blagim raskorakom. Nešto veći dio težine je bio prebačen na zadnju nogu kako bi prednja ostala slobodna za udarac. Krenuo je na mene. Zamjetio sam da ima široki zamah kod udarca. Malo sam se okrenuo i blokirao podlakticom. Udarac me uzdrmao i osjetih bol u ruci. Ovaj je stvarno bio prejak. Uspio sam ga izbjeći tijekom blokade i sada mi je bio napola okrenut leđima. Uputih mu seriju udaraca u nezaštićeni dio lica i vrata. Imao sam dulje ruke i to bi bila prednost da nije bio tako jak. Imao sam dojam da šakama štemam zid. Unatoč udarcima se okrenu prema meni i uspio me pri tom odgurnuti rukom. Odteturao sam par koraka u nazad, a njemu je to dalo dovoljno vremena da se u potpunosti okrene prema meni i krene u napad. Uspio sam ga izbjeći i odgurnuti. Dok se okretao prema meni krenuo sam u napad pri tome nastojeći iskorakom prednje noge nagaziti njegovu potkoljenicu stopalo ili nožne prste. Učili su nas da je to izrazito bolno ako pogodiš nešto od nabrojanog. Povukao se i zadao jedan široki udarac sa strane ali nije imao uporište na nogama pa je to bio slab udarac. Blokirao sam ga rukom i zadao mu još jednu seriju od tri wing chun direkta ciljajući korijen nosa ili što dohvatim. Osjetio sam da su sva tri udarca pogodila dobro. Pokušao sam se izvući u stranu uz okret ali tada me dohvatio jednim od onih svojih nezgrapnih udaraca sa strane koji mi je probio blok nadlakticom i završio u rebrima. Osjetio sam jaku bol i odstupio dva koraka nazad. Dok sam čekao da tenk krene krajem oka sam zapazio da su Škot i Horst završili na zemlji u nekom zahvatu, a da je Strela uspio srušiti jednog od one dvojice. Tenk je zagrebao gusjenicima i uletio svom snagom. Uspio sam ga samo izbjeći izmicanjem u stranu ali nisam imao šanse za udarac. Zaustavio se više od metar i pol dalje od mene i počeo okretati. To je bila prigoda uletio sam sa novom serijom direkta i nagaznim udarcem nogom nakon iskoraka. Osjetih da sam mu nogom pogodio stopalo ali ne petom kako je bilo poželjno. Udarci rukama su mu zasuli nebranjeni dio glave ali ponovno sam imao dojam da šakama udaram u zid. Okretao se pokušavajući me uhvatiti rukom. Nisam to smio dopustiti i povukoh se brzo dva koraka unazad. Bio je brz previše brz za svoju konstituciju. Dok sam završio treći korak unazad već je krenuo na mene. Ovaj put je to izveo na način da je zastao izvan dometa moje šake, kojom sam ga pokušavao držati na distanci, izveo jedan lažni kroše i pokušao uletjeti u mene sa nekom vrstom kratkih direkt udaraca, očigledno više da me zbuni u uhvati nego što je polagao nade u pogodak. Uspio sam se povući malo unazad i blokirati one njegove direkte ali je već bio na meni i ponovno udario svom snagom sa strane. Ovaj put me pogodio. Osjetio sam bol u rebrima i odletio sam u stranu gubeći tlo pod nogama. Osjetio sam vlažan asfalt i u trenutku zahvalio bogu što nisam odletio prema nekom autu gdje bi mi šanse da se brzo dignem bile minimalne. Završio sam na leđima, vidio sam ga kako prilazi. Nisam se pokušavao dići na klasičan način već sam se odbacio jednom nogom za "kolut unazad" dok sam drugu nogu ispružio kao zaštitu i klatno za inerciju. Zbunjeno je ustuknuo korak, vjerojatno ne shavćajući da je ona ispružena noga u nepovoljnom položaju za udarac. To mi je dalo dovoljno vremena da završim aikido pad unazad savijajući nogu u koljenu tako da sam sada već bio u poziciji ustajanja i gardu kada je pritrčao u novi napad. Krenuo je širokim udarcem nogom nastojeći me rasturiti dok sam bio još u polu uspravljanju. Spustih se skoro na koljena i odbacih rukama tu nogu u zrak. Pao je nezgodno na leđa i očigledno ostao bez daha. Trijumfalno sam već bio na nogama. Sada ga je samo trebalo dovršiti dok se nezgrapno diže brzim kratkim udarcima nogom. Krajem pogleda zamjetih da je Strela na zemlji na boku, a jedan od onih likova mu zadaje udarac nogom. Uspio je uvući glavu i ramenom odbiti udarac ali pozicija mu nije obećavala ništa dobro. Lik se spremao za novi udarac dok se Strela pokušavao otkotrljati nešto dalje kako bi dobio prostora za ustajanje. Pustih tenk da se diže i uletih liku sa leđa. Uspio sam ga nagaziti na početak pod koljenice sa zadnje strane što ga je natjeralo da klekne potom mu zadah jedan brz udarac odozgo u vilicu. To je bilo sve, uspio sam vidjeti kako se Strela uspravlja, a tenk je uletio u mene. Zadao mi je jedan široki udarac pogađajući mi rebra sa strane kada sam se uspravio od udarca gurnuo me rukom svom snagom. Odletio sam par metara unazad i tresnuo na asfalt. Kroz mozak mi je proletjelo da je gotovo sada me ima. Povratio sam dah i pokušao ponovno izvesti ustajanje u stilu aikido pada unazad ali sam bio spor. Pustio me da se okrenem i nakon toga pritrčao. Tada je napravio pogrešku. Nije me pokušao ponovno udariti nogom valjda polazeći iz prvog iskustva. Pustio me da se dignem negdje do polovice iskoračio i uhvatio me desnom rukom čvrsto za lijevo rame, u stisak poput škripa, paralelno je zamahnuo široko lijevom u namjeri da mi zada razarajući udarac. Desnom rukom sam čvrsto uhvatio njegovu šaku na mome ramenu lakat mi je bio visoko podignut i štitio glavu za slučaj da završi udarac. Lijevom rukom sam ga uhvatio odozdo za lakat malo se podigao i pustio da mi ruka sklizne na njegovu podlakticu. Imao sam ga u poluzi ručnog zgloba. Svom snagom sam se pomakao unaprijed riskirajući ako otrgne šaku iz poluge da padnem licem na asfalt. Nije je izvukao kriknuo je i slijedeći bol u savijenoj šaci i podlaktici poletio na lice na asfalt. Ne puštajući polugu pomakao sam se korak naprijed, čvrsto sam mu blokirao podlakticu između mog koljena i pod koljenice ne puštajući mu šaku u poluzi. Ležao je na trbuhu potpuno otvoren i ranjiv. Počeo sam mu zadavati udarce lijevom šakom po glavi gdje sam stigao. Imao sam dojam da je prošlo stoljeće ruka me već boljela od udaraca kada je ispustio neki grleni zvuk. Zastao sam. Shavtih da govori "Ne" na njemačkom, nerazumljivo "Nein". Pustih mu šaku i uspravih se. Ležao je stenjajući. Polako se pokušao uspraviti tresući glavom i oslanjajući se na ruke i koljena. Blago ga pritisnuh nogom u leđa. Shvatio je i vratio se u ležeći položaj. Okrenuh se. Škot i Strela su stajali jedan do drugog i promatrali me. Strela mi mahnu i polako krenu prema meni. "Bilo je to surovo Đoni stvarno si ga dobro razbio." Kretao se teško duboko dišući. Škot je prišao polako vukući nogu. Pogledah iz njih po parkingu. Jedan od onih likova je sjedio na asfaltu držeći se za glavu, Horst je još ležao i stenjao u fetalnom položaju. Drugi od Strelinih protivnika je stajao duboko dišući naslonjen na prtljažnik Goginog auta. Drugom rukom se držao za trbuh. Očigledno mu nije padalo na pamet da poduzima bilo što više. Nismo ništa govorili. Polako smo krenuli natrag ka ulazu u Western Gold. Počela je padati sitna hladna kiša, već nakon par koraka bili smo mokri. Dok smo prilazili zamijetih da su redari vani i da nas promatraju. Stajali su par metara ispred "svog teritorija". Onaj sa konjskim repom je stajao naprijed, a preostala dvojica iza njega. Iza te dvojice su stajale Bosa i Petra. Dok smo prilazili konjski rep klimnu glavom. "Vidim dosta tuča na ovom parkingu ali ovo je vrijedilo gledati." Klimnuh mu umorno glavom dok sam prolazio pored njega. Oslanjao sam se na Strelu jednom rukom. Rebra sa lijeve strane su me boljela a i šaku lijeve ruke nisam baš osjećao dobro. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Csv1wXOr5tY (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Csv1wXOr5tY) zainteresiranih za dalje? Pa neznam kaj se čeka ????? :aplauz: :aplauz: :aplauz: Boris tebi samom mogu poslati nastavke i na email ako mi ga pošalješ na pp Nemoj zezati, a mi drugi? :occasion: Klimnuh mu umorno glavom dok sam prolazio pored njega. Oslanjao sam se na Strelu jednom rukom. Rebra sa lijeve strane su me boljela a i šaku lijeve ruke nisam baš osjećao dobro. Konjski rep me blago potapša po ramenu. Zastao sam i okrenuo se. Pogledao me u oči nekim čudnim pogledom. "Žao mi je ali takvi ne bi smjeli u lokal." Pokazao je rukom na mene od glave do pete. Pogledah se na svijetlu uličnih svjetiljki. Traperice su mi bile razderane duž nogavice jednako kao i majica na okovratniku. Pogledah Škota i Strelu koji su zastali gledajući u mene. Nisu izgledali bolje. Škot je imao skroz razderanu majicu od okovratnika negdje skoro do pojasa traperica. Uz sve to bio je krvav ispod nosa i oko usta. Strela je izgledao nijansu bolje odnosno bio je krvav samo oko usta ali nije imao jedan rukav na majici. Klimnuh glavom. Konjski rep me blago potapša po ramenu. "Poslat ću po one dvije cure, a onaj ostatak na drugoj strani parkinga također budemo riješili." Pogledah na drugu stranu parkinga prema Horstu i njegovoj ekipi. Sva četvorica su sada stajala pored onog crnog BMW-a i nešto raspravljali. Jedan od one dvojice Strelinih je pridržavao Horsta. Tenk je stajao naslonjen leđima na prtljažnik auta. Konjski rep klimnu glavom prema jednom od onih dvojice snagatora, a drugom mahnu rukom. Polako je krenuo preko parkinga praćen gorilom u kožnom prsluku. Onaj drugi je nestao u lokalu. Shvatih da nisu čekali vani zato što ih je zanimala tuča već su pazili da se problemi ne presele na njihov teren, bilo da gubitnik potraži utočište u lokalu ili da pobjednik poželi proslaviti pobjedu. Škot i Strela su me gledali. Klimnuh im glavom. "Jasno je da ne možemo unutra. Počekat će mo cure ovdje." Škot je klimnuo glavom. Pogledah prema drugoj strani parkinga. Konjski rep je nešto govorio Horstovoj skupini. Na kraju je mahnuo rukom i krenuo nazad. Likovi su se počeli pakirati u auto. Počekao sam dok crni BMW nije počeo izlaziti u rikverc sa parkirnog mjesta potom okrenuo prema Bosi i Petri. Bosa je stajala ruku prekriženih na grudima i gledala oštro u mene, Petra me promatrala zabrinuto ruku spuštenih pored tijela. Priđoh im polako. Bosa je držala moju jaknu preko ruke. Odmahnula je glavom. "Ludost Bambi, ludost." Petra je mahnula rukom prema Bosi i prišla mi. Podigla je prste i dodirnula moje usne. "Jesi dobro?" Klimnuh glavom i spustih joj ruke na ramena. Nasmiješila se i zagrlila me. Iza njenih leđa Goga i Bruna su se pojavile iz lokala. Goga je pritrčala Škotu i zgrlila ga. Bruna je polako prilazila Streli. Konjski rep u pratnji gorile se zaustavio pored mene. Pogledao je Bosu. "Rekao sam im da imaju dvadeset minuta prije nego pozovem prijatelje iz policije, sada je parking slobodan." Bosa je upitno podigla obrve i otvorila usta. Prekinuo je u neizgovorenom brzim pokretom ruke. "Kao što sam obećao neću zvati nikoga ali nestanite čim prije. Ne želim nikakve probleme ipak je u pitanju naša reputacija." Ljubazno joj se nasmiješio i potapšao je po ramenu. "Vas dvije navratite ponekada na piće, samo držite ovog dobermana na ogrlici." Klimnuo je glavom prema meni. Polako je krenuo prema ulazu u lokal praćen gorilom u kožnom prsluku. Očigledno mu nije smetala hladna sitna kiša niti se brinuo za svoje kvalitetno odijelo. Nije gledao ni u koga. Pratio sam pogledom dok nije nestao iza vrata. Minutu kasnije se onaj drugi snagator u kožnom prsluku pojavio i stao pored vrata. Očigledno su nam željeli pokazati da misle ozbiljno. Pogledah prema ostalima. Bruna je držala Strelu za ruku, uplašenog pogleda. Škot je zagrlio Gogu i gledao u nas. Bosa je sa mržnjom promatrala Gogu. Oslonih se rukom na Petrino rame. Pomislih da je dobro što je samo desetak centimetara niža od mene. Škot mahnu rukom. "Mogli bi se raspršiti da zavaramo neprijatelje." Smiješio se. Klimnuh glavom, Strela također. "Čujemo se sutra dečki." Nastojao sam da mi glas bude čvrst iako me od hladne kišice hvatao napad osjećaja hladnoće. Škot podiže ruku u pozdrav. "Đoni Strela naša vrata su vam otvorena u svako doba dana i noći." Spustio je ruku. Goga nam je samo mahnula. Strela me pljesnu po ramenu i zaputi se ka suprotnom kraju parkinga vukući Brunu za ruku. Bosa je prišla i uhvatila me pod ruku. Bez riječi me povukla ka autu. Dok sam hodao oslanjao sam se zdravom rukom na Petru. Tijekom spuštanja na sjedalo osjetio sam bol u rebrima i napad drhtavice. Očigledno me adrenalin popuštao. Pogledah u lijevu šaku. Počela je otIcati. Pitao sam se koliko dugu neću biti u stanju povući ručicu kvačila. Vozili smo se u tišini. Pri ulasku u stan osjetih slabost i drhtavicu. Bio sam skroz mokar. Petra mi je pomogla do stola u blagavaoni. Naslonio sam se na stol pazeći na lijevu šaku. Pogledah Petru. "Mogu dobiti duplo piće?" Klimnula je glavom i krenula ka hladnjaku. Bosa je tresnula moju jaknu na stolicu i okrenula se prema meni. "Svi smo mokri, a ti pogotovu. Uz sve si i prljav kao da si se valjao u blatu sa svinjama. Skini majicu i te ostatke traperica da ih bacim u perilicu." Umorno klimnuh glavom prema njenom ljutitom pogledu. "Samo jedno piće molim te." Petra mi je stavila veliku čašu do pola punu na stol. Bosa me promatrala ali ovaj put zabrinuto. Otpio sam jedan dobar gutljaj tequile. Počekao sam da me alkohol počne paliti po želucu. Nisam se osjećao bolje. Otpih još jedan mali gutljaj i spustih čašu na stol. Polako sam pokušao skinuti majicu. Nije išlo lijeva strana me boljela kad bih podigao ruke. Petra je prišla i pomogla mi sa majicom, Bosa mi izula čizme. Traperice sam spustio do ispod koljena i sjeo. Petra je čučnula i svukla ostatke traperica sa mene. Osjetih da su mi i gaće mokre. Tada me uhvatila drhtavica. Bosa je donijela ručnik i počela me pažljivo brisati. Uz pomoć uspio sam doći do spavaće sobe. Netko mi je skinuo gaće i sjeo sam na krevet. Tresao sam se od slabosti i hladnoće. Netko je nešto govorio. Netko me pokrio dekom. Nisam bio siguran da li je netko rekao na njemačkom ili nekom drugom jeziku nešto u stilu "moramo mu nešto obući da se bolje ugrije". Plutao sam između nigdje i ničega. Polako sam tonuo ne osjećajući ništa izuzev jake hladnoće koja me tresla. Tama se polako razilazila. Netko me blago tresao za rame. Otvorih oči. Žena kratke crvene kose i srcolikog izgleda lica je gledala u mene smeđim očima. Sjedila je na rubu kreveta i blago me tresla za rame. "Čuješ me? Shvaćaš što te pitam?" Klimnuh glavom potom polako prevalih preko usana: Pridgoh se malo oslanjajući se na lakat. Bilo je to naporno. Jako svjetlo stropne svjetiljke mi je smetalo. Polako sam razaznao spavaću sobu i Bosu i Petru koje stoje na ulazu. Ona crvenokosa što me tresla polako je ustala sa kreveta. Nosila je traperice i bijelu košulju koja je izgledala kao muška košulja. Nešto je bilo čudno na njoj. Pogledala me u oči. "Ja sam Suzi, liječnik. Pokušaj polako sam ustati molim te." Polako odgurnuh pokrivače sa sebe. Nešto mi je bilo čudno. Majica koju sam nosio bila je sivo isprane boje, a po rubovima dugih rukava je imala ukrasne šare od pamučne čipke. Dok sam spuštao noge na pod zamjetih da nosim crne punije najlon hulahopke. Zbunjeno spustih noge na pod. Vjerojatno sanjam. Polako pređoh prstom po nad koljenici. Definitivno su bile najlonke. Ona crvenokosa mi nije dopustila daljnje analize. Prišla je nagnula se i podigla mi poako jedan pa drugi očni kapak. Pažljivo je promatrala svako moje oko. Potom me uhvatila za ruku i mjerila puls. Pokazala je rukom ka gore. "Pokušaj ustati i stajati." Polako i bolno sam se uspravio. Povukla me jedan korak od ležaja. Par minuta me pregledala. Zadigla mi je majicu i pipkala rebra potom ozljeđenu šaku. Iz lječničke torbice na noćnom ormariću je izvadila stetoskop i pažljivo mi slušala po prsnom košu. Spustila mi je majicu okačila stetoskop za vrat i uhvatila me za obije ruke. "Polako jedan korak unazad i sjedi na krevet." Naglasak joj je bio čudan. Učinio sam kako mi je rekla. Dok se naginjala pomažući mi u spustu na krevet zamjetih što je čudno na njoj. Imala je doista velike grudi. Skoro kao dvije košarkaške lopte. To je prikrivala tom širokom bijelom košuljom očigledno muškom. Pažljivo mi je prepipala glavu. Uspravila se i posegnula za torbom. "Pod stresom si od napora i udaraca koje si primio. Izgleda da ništa nije slomljeno. Imaš sreće, a i glava je čitava. Nemaš nikakav podljev ili kvrgu na toj tintari što je dobro, znači da nisi dobio niti jedan udarac u glavu. Sada ću ti dati nešto protiv bolova i za stres, nakon toga ležiš i odmaraš." Klimnula je glavom i izvukla neku ampulu tekućine za injekciju. Minutu kasnije je napipala venu na mojoj nadlanici i osjetih bol od igle koja je prodirala. Čvrsto me držala za ruku dok je spretno ubrizgala sadržaj injekcije u venu. Klimnula je glavom i nasmiješila se. "Dat ću ti i nešto da popiješ ujutro." Odložila je praznu špricu na noćni ormarić i podigla torbu sa kreveta. Pljusnula me malo po obrazu i namignula. Polako se okrenula ka Bosi i Petri koje su zbunjeno gledale. "Bit će on ok, dogovorit ćemo se sutra za još malo kontrolnog pregleda." Ovo je izgovorila na njemačkom. Petra se nasmiješila i poljubila je u obraz. Dok su zajedno izlazile iz sobe Suzi je zagrlila Bosu oko pasa a potom spustila ruku i nježno je pogladila po zadnjici. Pogledah u Petru koja je uzimala špricu sa ormarića. "Žedan sam može čaša vode." Nježno me slobodnom rukom pogladila po obrazu i klimnula glavom. Nestala je iz sobe. Ponovno se pogledah. Stvarno sam nosio tu sivu žensku majicu dugih rukava i hulahopke. Sjetih se da je to Petrin omiljeni stil oblačenja po kući, uopće je po kući nosila majicu par brojeva veću i gaćice te natikače na nogama. Majica je djelovala na njoj kao kratka haljina. Kada bi bilo svježije umjesto majice kratkih rukava navukla bi neku dugih rukava također par brojeva veću i hulahopke. To je bilo sve. Bosa i Petra su se vratile zajedno. Bosa je u rukama nosila bocu sa sokom. Petra mi pruži čašu sa vodom. Pio sam dugim gutljajima. Odložih čašu na ormarić. "Koliko je sati?" Bosa je spustila bocu na ormarić. "Tri ujutro." Pažljivo me pogledala. "Hvala bogu u redu si. Bile smo prestrašene pa sam pozvala Suzi. Prihvatila je da dođe u sred noći i pogleda te." Klimnuh glavom koja mi je i dalje bila teška. "Suzi je vaš obiteljski liječnik?" Bosa odmahnu glavom. "Naš ginekolog ali je prije specijalizacije dugo radila na hitnoj tako da sa ovim stvarima ima iskustva. Jedino mi ona pala na pamet, nismo smjele zvati hitnu, oni sa tučama imaju iskustva i vjerojatno bi tvoje ozljede prijavili policiji. Kod njih ne pali da si pao niz stube, to im je obveza da prijave." Klimnuh glavom i pokazah rukom po sebi. "Vi ste mi ovo navukle? Nije moglo nešto prikladnije?" Bosa me ljutito pogleda zatim se obrati Petri na njemačkom. "Budala se buni zbog oblačenja." Izgovorila je to odmahujući glavom. Okrenula se prema meni. "Bambi ti si sa sobom donio samo par gaća i majica kratkih rukava. Uz to onu smrdljivu vunenu vestu koja je valjda pokupila sve mirise benzina i prašine, e oprale smo je jučer i suši se na balkonu. Traperice više nemaš izuzev u komadima. To je sve što si imao, tanke majice kratkih rukava i gaće. Tresao si se kao prut od hladnoće ispod dvije deke i jedino što smo mogle je navući ti nešto Petrino približno je tvoj broj. Petra ne nosi pidžame ni trenirke znaš i sam kako spava, mogao si umjesto toga jedino dobiti moju spavaćicu i samostojeće ali ti je to premalo na tvoju sreću." Izgovorila je to oštro na njemačkom i sjela na rub kreveta pored mene. Petra se nasmijala i sjela pored nje. Bosa mi je stavila ruku na rame. "Dosta si nas prestrašio tresao si se od hladnoće, a kada si se malo smirio napola si buncao nešto o nekom mačiću i mački. Sada je u redu dobila sam tablete da popiješ sutra kasnije vidimo. Hajdemo polako leći i nama je dosta ove večeri i noći." Osjetih se posramljeno. Zadao sam im dosta problema da bi se još imao pravo na bilo što buniti. Klimnuh glavom. Bosa i petra su ustale i krenule ka drugom kraju kreveta. Polako i oprezno, pazeći da ne radim nagle pokrete, vratih se u ležeći položaj i navukoh deke preko sebe. Cure su se smjestile i ugasile svijetlo. Dok sam padao u san proletjelo mi je kroz glavu. "Živim u stanu sa dvije lezbe, obučen sam kao žensko i upravo me pregledao ginekolog. Bit će dobro ako se ujutro ne probudim sa sisama D+ veličine." Probudilo me dnevno svijetlo. Polako sam otvorio oči. Petra je sjedila do mene. Sjedila je leđima naslonjena na uzglavlje kreveta, a nogu ispruženih ispred sebe po zgužvanim dekama. Čitala je neku knjigu. Na sebi je imala majicu dugih rukava i hulahopke. Polako i bolno se uspravih u sjedeći položaj. Petra se okrenula prema meni. "Jesi ok?" Klimnuh glavom uz osmjeh. U ustima sam imao metalni okus. Pogledah je. "Može kava?" Upitah. Dok sam spuštao noge na pod ustala je i postavila pred mene one njene natikače koje sam nosio od prvog jutra ovdje. Već su se malo raširile od nošenja na mojim nogama. Polako ih navukoh. Petra je navukla one svoje patkica natikače. Pogledala me. "Možeš sam do blagavaone ili kavu piješ ovdje?" Sjetih se da u spavaćoj sobi nema pušenja. Klimnuh glavom prema vratima. "Idemo u blagavaonu ionako moram na wc." Dok sam mokrio osjećao sam se nestabilno na nogama. Rebra su me boljela pri svakom jačem uzdahu, lijeva šaka mi je bila otečena i teško sam pomicao prste. Polako se odvukoh od wc-a do blagavaone. Petra je upravo sipala kavu u šalicu. Dok sam prilazio pokazala je prstom na onaj njen ogrtač, koji sam također koristio od prvog jutra ovdje, a koji je bio položen preko naslona stolice. "Najbolje da ga navučeš vani još pada i hladno je." Polako sam navukao ogrtač i sjeo. Petra je položila pred mene šalicu sa kavom, čašu soka, upaljač i cigarete potom sjela preko puta mene sa šalicom u ruci. Otpih gutljaj kave i zapalih cigaretu. Pogledah polako nadolje promatrajući svoju garderobu. "Bez brige dobro ti stoji." Petra se smiješila na onaj svoj otkačeni simpatični način. Slegoh ramenima, trenutno mi nije bilo bitno. Bilo mi je toplo i ugodno. "Gdje je Bosa?" Petra otpi gutljaj kave. "Otišla je obaviti neke razgovore i kupiti ti nešto za obući. Hlače više nemaš, treba ti i neka punija muška majica, izuzev ako ne misliš ovakav izaći vani." Nasmijala se. "To bi ti se sviđalo?" Slegla je ramenima. "Svejedno, sviđa mi se kada ne nosiš ništa." Pogledah u sivilo kiše kroz prozor. "Koliko je sati?" "Oko dva poslije podne." Začuh otključavanje ulaznih vrata. Minutu kasnije Bosa je ušla u blagavaonu. Spustila je svoju žensku torbu i veću vrećicu na rub stola. Polako je sjela i dohvatila kutiju sa cigaretama. Još je bila komplet obučena, samo je otkopčala jaknu. Zapalila je cigaretu i nasmiješila se Petri. "Može i meni kava?" Dok je Petra išla prema kuhinji pogledala me i gurnula vrećicu prema meni. "Ovo ti dobro stoji ali ne za van. Tu imaš trenirku i toplu majicu. Trebat će ti. Večeras te vodimo kod Suzinog prijatelja na hitnu. Bit će gužva i nitko ne obraća pažnju na bolesnike, tako da će uraditi par snimaka mimo registracije, mislim rebra i šaka da budemo sigurni da je sve u redu." Petra je donijela kavu i sjela na svoje mjesto. Polako otvorih vrećicu na stolu zdravom rukom potom klimnuh glavom. "Super sada imam nešto normalno za obući. Na hitnu ne idem dobro sam, samo mi treba par dana da se vratim u normalu." Bosa me oštro pogledala. "Bambi slušaj, ne ponašaj se kao pijetao u pubertetu. Primimo te u naš dom i našu vezu, vodimo ljubav sa tobom, pokupimo te nakon tvojih gluposti i nastojimo da se izvučeš bez problema, a najmanje što tražimo je da se pregledaš i snimiš kako bi smo mirno spavale ne plašeći se da ćeš tijekom noći pasti u komu od neke unutarnje ozljede. Je to tako puno za tvoj ponos?" Osjetih se posramljeno. Gledao sam ispred sebe u kavu, potom podigoh pogled ka Bosi. "Oprosti nisam to mislio. U pravu si. Idem na snimanje večeras." Uputih joj smiješak. Klimula je glavom i duboko uzdahnula. "Konačno malo pameti." Pokušah se izvući. "Ne zamjeri od kako smo sinoć razbili one siledžije malo sam..." Prekinula me oštro. "Koje siledžije ste razbili sinoć?" Pogledah je zbunjeno. "Onu četvoricu nabildanih. Mislim onog nasilnika Horsta i njegove frendove. Klasična ulična banda, sa takvima smo već imali iskustva doma, oni kuže samo jedno, a to je zakon jačeg." Uzdahnula je duboko potom otpila gutljaj kave, povukla je dim iz cigarete i pogledala me sa strane. "Bambi, Bambi ... niste razbili nikakvu četvoricu nasilnika već četvoricu visoko obrazovanih ljudi kojima je hobi alpinizam pa su zato dobro "nabildani" kako ti kažeš. Dalje Horst nije nasilnik već psihijatar, ako kužiš uopće razliku između nasilnika i psihijatra." Polako sam posegao zdravom rukom za novom cigaretom, znao sam kada upitam za pojašnjenje svega ovoga odgovor mi se neće svidjeti, dapače uopće mi se neće svidjeti. KRAJ DRUGOG DIJELA ŽELI NETKO NASTAVAK? ja :ruke: i ja. hoće li psihijatar ipak izaći kao nasilnik, pitam se sad. :) :thumbleft: Polako sam posegao zdravom rukom za novom cigaretom, znao sam kada upitam za pojašnjenje svega ovoga odgovor mi se neće svidjeti, dapače uopće mi se neće svidjeti. KRAJ DRUGOG DIJELA III Cestom stvarnosti ili slagalica psihologije manipulacije Službenica na recepciji je bila profesionalno ljubazna. "Da koliko vidim gospođa je u sobi, kartica za vrata je u slotu. Što da kažem tko je treba." Trenutak sam razmišljao. "Recite Đoni iz Zemuna bit će dovoljno, ako se nisam zabunio." Upitno me pogledala i podigla slušalicau telefona. Otipkala je broj i nakon pola minute započela formalni razgovor. "Ispričavam se treba vas gospodin Đoni iz Zemuna, čeka na recepciji." Grickala je kratko vrh kemijske olovke slušajući odgovor. Spustila je slušalicu i klimnula mi glavom. "Gospođa kaže da dođete u sobu, to vam je drugi kat desno." Spustila je olovku na pult, zamijetih da je na vrhu olovke ostalo malo ruža. Nije komentirala ništa više. "Hvala vam." Klimnuh glavom i zaputih se ka stubama. Dok sam se uspinjao laganim korakom razmišljao sam što bih joj rekao. Zaključih da nije bitno što bih joj rekao, bitno je bilo par pitanja koje sam joj želio postaviti. Vrata sobe su već bila malo otvorena, znači očekivala me je. Pokucah lagano dva puta. Začuo sam poznati glas. "Uđi Đoni, slobodno uđi." Polako sam otvorio vrata i zakoračio u sobu. Stajala je na sredini sobe u svilenoj crnoj kućnoj haljini i platforma sandalama visoke potpetice. Stavljala je ruž na usne gledajući se u veliko zrcalo na zidu. Prekinula je sa ružem i pogledala me. "Očekivala sam da ćeš doći, zato sam i rekla Mirjani broj sobe." Klimnula je glavom uz osmjeh. "Samo za jedan trenutak nisam bila sigurna da si to ti." "Dobro je da me uopće pamtiš." "Kako bih mogla zaboraviti nekoga tko je ipak obilježio neke stvari u mom životu. Onih koji glume idealiste srećem dosta često, pravi idealisti su rijetki." Pokazala je rukom ka otvorenim vratima balkona. "Sjedi vani molim te, tamo možemo zapaliti cigaretu. Za minutu ti donesem piće, poslije možemo razgovarati zašto si uopće došao. Mislila sam da me mrziš." Polako prođoh ka balkonu iza njenih leđa dok se ona posvetila ružu i usnama. Balkon je bio tipičan hotelski balkon sa nižim drvenim stolom i dvije drvene stolice. Na stolu je ležala pepeljara, kutija cigareta Lucky Strike i srebrni ženski upaljač. Polako sjedoh na stolicu i izvadih jednu cigaretu iz kutije. Dok sam palio cigaretu Goga se pojavila na vratima balkona. Sa tamno crvenim ružem za usne izgledala je dobro. Nasmiješila se. "U mini baru imam mali izbor pića, reci vodka, whiskey, pelinkovac ili loza." "Loza bit će dovoljno." Nestala je iza vrata. Promatrao sam odsjaj sunca na morskoj površini. Goga se vratila minutu kasnije sa dvije hotelske čaše u jednoj i dvije male bočice u drugoj ruci. Položila je čaše na stol otvorila bočice i istresla ih u čaše jednim potezom. Polako je sjela na stolicu preko puta mene, popravila kosu i zapalila cigaretu. Pogledala me i podigli čašu. "Loza po tvom izboru, živjeli Đoni." Podigoh čašu i nazdravih joj bez riječi. Nasmiješila se nekim čudnim osmjehom. "Drago mi je da si živ, nisi se puno promijenio koji kilogram više i koja sjeda vlas više, pogled i te tvoje oči koje mijenjaju boju od svijetlo smeđih do zelenkasto plavih su isti." "Nisi se ni ti puno promijenila, još se držiš." Nasmijala se. "Isti stari Đoni bez puno smisla za komunikaciju sa damama, još se držiš umjesto ostala si zgodna i lijepa." Odmahnula je glavom. "Imam dojam kao da nije prošlo toliko vremena. Dragan je znao često pričati o tebi, kao da mu nikada nisi izašao iz glave." Sjetih se da se Škot zove Dragan, nikada o njemu nisam mislio drukčije izuzev kao o Škotu. Pogledah je dugim pogledom. "Kako je Škot, jeste još zajedno?" Dugo me gledala i otpila još jedan gutljaj iz čaše. Povukla je dim iz cigarete i spustila pogled. "Umro je prije sedam godina od karcinoma štitnjače. Njegov motor je još u garaži i čeka." Polako sam ispraznio čašu do kraja. Ugasio sam čik cigarete u pepeljari i pogledao je. "Žao mi je. Nisam to očekivao." Klimnula je glavom. "I treba ti biti žao, ti si sa njim završio on sa tobom nikada." Slegoh ramenima. "Može još jedno piće?" "Loze više nema u mini baru su samo po dva ista pića vodka ili whiskey." "Vodka." Polako se podigla i nestala u sobi, posegoh za još jednom cigaretom iz kutije, trebalo mi je vremena da se sredim. Dok sam palio cigaretu vratila se i položila četiri bočice 0.1 na stol dvije vodke i dva Whiskey-ja. Sjela je. "Mislim da će nam trebati kako je razgovor krenuo. Predpostavljam da imaš još pitanja, a imam po koje i ja." Posegoh za bočicom i napunih čašu. Ovo nije sličilo na razgovor koji ljudi vode kada se slučajno sretnu nakon par desetaka godina. Sličilo je na razgovor koji je nedavno prekinut. Otpih iz čaše i pogledah je. Dovršavala je piće iz svoje čaše. "Imate djece?" Odmahnula je glavom. "Ne to nam nije išlo. Sve ostalo da ali to ne." Spustila je čašu na stol. "Đoni, Dragan se nadao da ćeš se ipak jedan put javiti ipak ste mladost proveli zajedno." Klimnuh glavom. "Žao mi je." Gledala me je nekim čudnim pogledom. "Ne nije ti žao, uvijek si išao samo ravno naprijed po svojim shvaćanjima časti i svojim pričama u glavi. Ostavio si dosta stvari iza sebe, a da to nisi ni zamijetio, odnosno ostavio si lom u par života tako lagano i jednostavno kao što ispijaš ovo piće." "Kakav lom?" Gledala me nekim dugim i čudnim pogledom imao sam dojam da mi se odgovor neće svidjeti, dapače da mi se uopće neće svidjeti. Kišno popodne Zapalio sam cigaretu i pogledao u Petru. "Mogu dobiti jedno piće mislim da će mi trebati?" Gledala me zbunjeno. "Moraš popiti one lijekove koje ti Suzi pustila pa ne mislim ..." "Daj mu, neće mu biti ništa od toga, daj i meni jedno trebat će nam da završimo razgovor." Bosin glas je bio oštar i razdražljiv, a na njemačkom je zvučao grubo. Petra je pogledala u Bosu potom se digla i krenula prema hladnjaku u kuhinji. Bosa je posegnula za svojom torbom i počela preturati po unutrašnjosti. Zamijetih da na lijevoj ruci kojom je sa strane držala torbu nosi set od pet srebrnih prstena, na svakom prstu po jedan. Prsteni su bili različiti ali po dizajnu na neki način isti i uklapali su se u cjelinu. To je trenutno bila moda u njemačkoj i sviđalo mi se to vidjeti na ženama pogotovu onaj prsten na palcu. Petra se vratila i stavila bocu i dvije čašice na stol potom sjela i posegnula za svojom šalicom kave. "Ja ne pijem, večeras netko treba i voziti." Nasmiješih joj se i napunih čašice. Bosa je konačno iz torbe izvukla neku kutijicu i stavila je pred Petru. "Kupila sam ti to na rasprodaji mislim da je po tvom ukusu." Petra je polako otvorila kutijicu, ispustila jedno sretno "hiiii" i počela vaditi prstene. Polako je položila set prstena sličan Bosinim na stol, jedan do drugoga. Podigla se i poljubila kratko Bosu. Podigao sam čašicu i otpio gutljaj. Bosa je otpila iz svoje i udahnula. "Bambi nisi ti kriv. Kriva sam ja što sam odlagala razgovor i objašnjenja." Otpila je još jedan mali gutljaj, ja ispraznih svoju čašicu do kraja. Petra je navlačila prstene. Kako bi koji podesila na prstu udaljila bi ruku od sebe i pogledala ga. Radila je to kao ozbiljan posao. Bosa mi je klimnula glavom prema njoj i nasmiješila se. Potom se uozbiljila. "Goga je manipulator, svjesni i nesvjesni manipulator uz to je i kuja koja gleda samo svoj interes. Horst je psihijatar kod koga je Goga išla radi liječenja trauma iz djetinjstva i mladosti." "Želiš reći da Horst nije Gogin bivši dečko?" Bosa je uzdahnula i pogledala u čašicu pa meni u oči. "Da Horst je Gogin psihijatar i njen bivši dečko, a Goga ga je ucjenjivala, zato je i došlo do cijele frke. Psihijatar se ne smije seksati sa pacijenticom, ako se to dozna vrlo lako gubi sve dozvole za rad. Samo to nije sve tako jednostavno budući da je Horst više žrtva Gogine manipulacije nego što je Goga žrtva Horsta. Ne znam kako sve ukratko objasniti." Odmahnula je glavom i posegnula za bocom. Napunila nam je čašice i otpila mali gutljaj iz svoje. Ja sam svoju ispio do pola, već sam osjećao da mi je ova "jedna previše", odnosno nije mi se pilo više. Bosa je pogledala Petru, koja je promatrala svoju ruku ispruženih prstiju, pa mene. "Krenuću redom. Kada sam bila u Zemunu i popričala sa Gogom prvi put vidjela sam da nešto nije u redu, odnosno po nekim naznakama zaključila sam da je izložena nasilju u obitelji. Imala sam i sama slična iskustva u obitelji, nasilje u obitelji nije često ali nije ni tako rijetko kako se misli." "Želiš reći da je i tebe netko silovao u obitelji?" Prekinuo sam je zbunjenim glasom. Bosa me pogleda potom se nasmiješi na neki čudni način. "Mene su kolektivno silovali u obitelji. Silovali su me psihički u glavu. Bambi postoje različiti oblici silovanja u obitelji. Ja sam rođena kao žensko i kao bogalj, znaš i sam jedna noga mi je bila kraća. Moji su to doživjeli kao težak hendikep ali ne za mene nego za njih. Nisu bili nasilni ali se nisu niti puno brinuli što ja osjećam, a djeca iz okolice još manje. Djeca znaju biti jako surova." Odmahnula je lagano glavom. "Sa druge strane moji su me stalno pilali kako, ako imam urođenu manu moram završiti sve škole i tako sebi popraviti status u malograđanskom društvu predgrađa. Navodno tada će me svi gledati kao pametnu i nitko neće zamjećivati moju manu. Meni škola nije išla, voljela sam krpice i šivati za lutke. Zato sam i završila srednju tekstilnu. Kada su moji vidjeli da ni školom neću ispraviti nedostatak i razbijene nade obitelji, počeo je pakao prebacivanja. Jedino je baka bila na mojoj strani. Niti ostalo u životu nije bilo bolje." Polako je ispila čašicu do kraja. Petra se uozbiljila i spustila ruku na Bosinu. Nježno joj je stisnula prste. Otpio sam do kraja i spustio desnu ruku na na njenu drugu nadlakticu. Nježno sam je pogladio. Bosa je odmahnula glavom. "Bambi svaki šupak za kojeg sam mislila da mi je dečko je očekivao od mene veliku zahvalnost pokornost i obožavanje zato što me je prihvatio iako sam imala nedostatak u vidu kraće noge. Bez malo kao da su mi učinili beskrajnu uslugu." Polako je izvukla ruku ispod moje i uhvatila me za šaku. "Ti si prvi muškarac i do sada jedini koji me je od početka gledao samo kao ženu, a ne robu sa greškom. I da, razlikovala sam one cure koje su ubijene u pojam od onih koje imaju sretno normalno djetinjstvo, a i znala sam ponešto o silovanjima u obitelji, mislim seksualnim silovanjima. Kod nas se o tome nije pričalo ali ovdje je to otvorena tema. Vratimo se na Gogu. Željela sam joj pomoći, dala sam joj lovu za put i predložila da dođe i boravi kod nas dok se ne snađe. Ja sam ovdje prvi put počela normalno živjeti, ona je završila srednju kemijsku, a to se ovdje tražilo. Bila je kod nas deset mjeseci, usavršila svoj njemački i otišla. Točnije rečeno našle smo joj posao u kemijskoj proizvodnji u jednoj firmi koja radi materijal za najlonke, a naša firma je to kupovala od njih. Našle smo joj i mali stan sa niskim najmom. Oprosti sada idem po malo soka usta su mi se osušila." Polako se podigla i otišla do kuhinje. Pogledah Petru. Bila je ozbiljna i gledala me onim krupnim očima. Vidjelo se da je cijeli razgovor emotivno pogodio. Polako sam je uhvatio za ruku. Nasmiješila mi se potom klimnula glavom lijevo desno. Bosa se vratila sa sokom i skinula jaknu, ostala je samo u crnoj košulji koja joj je dobro stajala. Natočila je i moju čašu. Kvrcnuo sam Petru po nosu i otpio gutljaj soka. Nasmijala se i posegnula za mojom rukom. Polako je skinula prsten sa svoga kažiprsta i prebacila ga na moj do mali prst. Potom je pogledala Bosu. "Ti mu nećeš dati, pa on jedini nema lijepe prstenčiće." Bilo je to u njenom stilu, kada je napeto počne sa glupostima. Bosa se nasmijala i posegnula za svojim prstenom na kažiprstu. Njen prsten mi je stao samo na mali prst druge ruke. Petra me uhvatila za ruke i pogledala ih. "Tako sada smo te označile, sada si naš." Nasmijah se, Bosa se smiješila. Raspoloženje se popravilo. Bosa je otpila još jedan gutljaj soka. Ja sam je slijedio. Potom zapalih cigaretu. Bosa je klimnula glavom. "Znaš meni je za njemačku pomogla Suzi, ja sam željela pomoći Gogi i tako zatvoriti krug odnosno poslati dobru volju i vibracije dalje. Činilo se da se za tih deset mjeseci dobro sredila, da je zadovoljna sa poslom i novim stanom. Međutim vratila se nakon mjesec dana sa pričom da ne može noću sam spavati, da je frka i da sanja da joj je otac pred vratima sobe. Zadržala je stan ali je bila najviše kod nas. Pazile smo je i bile vrlo pažljive prema njoj. Nakon mjesec dana njenog straha i kukanja ubacivanja u naš krevet noću, kako bi navodno mogla sigurno spavati malo je dopizdila. Nismo više bile svoje, a ona nije bila naš đir. Mi smo to poštivale ali ona nije našu privatnost, ponekad je izgledalo da misli da joj trebamo biti zahvalne jer iako smo lezbe ona se druži sa nama. Dopizdilo je pa joj predložih da ode do psihijatra na malu pomoć i opuštanje. Ja sam isto išla kod psihijatra nakon nekoga vremena ovdje i to mi je pomoglo da skroz povratim samopouzdanje. Jednostavno mi je u par mjeseci objasnio da nisam ja greška nego sredina koja me osuđivala." Prekinuh je. "Je taj psihijatar bio Horst?" Odmahnula je glavom. "Ne, Horst je bio drugi psihijatar kod kojeg je išla. Prvi je bio Herman, stari i iskusni psihić ali dobra duša. Volio je pomagati ljudima. Bila je kod njega na seansama oko tri mjeseca, a tada joj je rekao da prekidaju, da rade pauzu od par mjeseci i da je za početak to dosta. Vratila se ljuta. Ta tri mjeseca smo je nosile na rukama tetošile i pazile. Nije ništa radila u kući i postupno se počela ponašati kao razmaženo derle. Bila je ljuta pa sam nazvala Hermana i pitala ga zašto je prekinuo tretman. Odgovorio mi je da je pred kraj pokušala manipulirati svojim pričama sa njim, odnosno da je mijenjala priče o tome što joj se događalo od strane oca i majke u onom pravcu za koji bi pretpostavila da bi njega seksualno ili na neki drugi način zainteresiralo. Na taj način je željela zadržati pažnju na sebi. Isto tako mi je rekao da djeca koja su bila seksualno ili na drugi način zlostavljana u obitelji često razvijaju sustav manipulacije na način da ugađaju izjavama ili nekim svojim postupcima onim koji ih zlostavljaju, kako bi na taj način postigli malo sklonosti i izbjegli neke dodatne nasilne stvari. Na taj način se osjećaju manje bespomoćnima. Recimo silovana curica kaže ocu koji je silovao kako je lijep i da joj se to svidjelo kako bi ga odobrovoljila i izbjegla neke druge grubosti. Pod svjesno neki razviju perfidnu manipulaciju koju prenesu na sve ostale postupke u životu. Upozorio me i da ne dopustimo manipulaciju." Bosa je zastala i otpila malo soka. Potom je polako otkopčala par gornjih gumba na košulji izgledalo je da se počinje opuštati. Nastavila je smirenije. "Gnjavia nas je još nešto više od mjesec dana. Nakon toga smo joj na lijep način pokazale vrata. Što je dosta, dosta je, a bilo je dosta. Jedina pogreška je bila možda što smo je na početku upoznale sa Suzi." Mahnuh rukom u stilu "samo malo". "Sa liječnicom Suzi? Je ona vaš đir?" Bosa klimnu glavom. "Da sa liječnicom. Je naš đir i nije. Ona je u drugom filmu što se tiče seksualnih sklonosti." Nisam izdržao. "Neka od vas je bila njena ljubavnica?" Bosa odmahnu glavom i otpi gutljaj soka. "Ne mi ne ali u jednom periodu Goga je. Tako je i došla do Horsta, Suzi je preporučila. U stvari mislim da je Goga otkrila Suzine sklonosti i opsesije i to dobro iskoristila. Kao što je uradila i sa Horstom samo je njega skoro dovela na rub, a vi ste joj u tome sada pomogli." Trebalo mi je nešto da razbistrim glavu. Posegnuh ponovo za sokom i dopunih čašu ispio sam je u nekoliko gutljaja. Potom posegnuh za cigaretom. Bosa je čekala dok sam zapalio cigaretu. "Rekla sam ti da je složeno. Goga je bila pod svjesni, a potom svjesni manipulator ili svjesni od početka. Samo joj je trebao pogodan teren da se razvije, a ovdje ga je na žalost našla." "Kada je počela to sa Suzi?" "Ne znam, kod nje je uvijek išlo još po nešto paralelno. Igrala je igru i sa šefom na poslu, što i kakvu ne znam, samo znam da je i tamo bilo frkica ali nakon devet mjeseci je postala voditelj grupe. To bi joj sa srednjom školom bio strop u kemijskoj struci. Međutim postala je i voditelj odjela." "Kojim to postupcima, kako je izmanipulirala Suzi? Dalje nije mi jasno kako jedan psihijatar može postati žrtva manipulatora? Ja ti ili netko od neupućenih da ali smuljati psihijatra manipulacijom skoro pa znanstvena fantastika." Bosa me pogledala i odmahnula glavom. "Znaš i psihijatar je čovjek, a ne stroj. Iako kuže sve stvari i imaju neku obuku i pražnjenje kod drugih psihića i oni imaju svojih seksualnih sklonosti fantazija i slično. Goga igra na tu kartu." Pogledah kroz prozor u sivilo kiše, stvarno nije bio dan za teške razgovore. Odlučih ipak rasčistiti do kraja. "Krenimo redom kako je i zašto smuljala Suzi da je poslije preporuči Horstu?" Bosa slegnu ramenima. "Ne znam sve detalje ali prvo zašto je smuljala. Suzi je ugledna liječnica polu njemica i majka joj je iz ugledne obitelji ovdje. Njena poznanstva i veze su jake, a Gogu to izgleda pali u smislu da i sama stekne poznanstva od utjecaja. Suzi priređuje zabave za cure i ponekog pristojong dečka. Bira dečke koji nisu nasilni i koji ne pametuju o moralu ili zabadaju nos u tuđe sklonosti. Odemo ponekad kod nje na zabavu i uvijek bude ugodno. Na početku smo vodile i Gogu da se malo opusti i upozna ljude. Tako je upoznala Suzi. Kako je smuljala, jednostavno je znala što i mi ostale, da Suzi ima najviše sklonosti ka ženama ali da najviše voli ženski grupni seks, mislim ono još koja cura u svemu, a sklona je pomalo i egzibicionizmu. Vjerojatno je izmanipulirala da je i ona u tome do kraja odnosno sudjelovala je dovoljno da je malo zaludi. Suzi joj je dosta pomogla oko drugog stana i slično čak joj je i poklonila komplet pokućstvo." Bio sam već pomalo van živaca. "Što je Suzi unatoč tome što je dovoljno pametna da postane liječnik toliko glupa da je nasjela Goginim pričama i glumi ili Goga ne glumi baš sve?" Petra se do sad nije miješala u razgovor. Iznenada je ljutito podigla pogled. "Daj Bambi ne budali. Goga to radi spretno. Instiktivno osjeti mekše ljude koji su skloni pomoći drugima, nakon toga ide red slabosti tek toliko da se žrtva zainteresira za nju, potom red povlađivanja i ugađanja pa red dominacije. Ovo ponavlja u krug uz put otkrije slabost u seksualnim sklonostima i to iskoristi kao završni udarac. Suzi je dobar čovjek, tko bi drugi prihvatio doći u dva po noći i zajebavati se sa tvojim ozljedama uz to znajući da ste joj upravo razbili dobrog poznanika. Suzi ima dušu i to veću dušu nego cice." Nasmijala se. Klimnuh glavom zaključujući u sebi da stvarno ima dušu. Pazio sam da ništa od toga ne kažem glasno. Sekundu kasnije se posramih što sam to cinično pomislio. Petra je bila u pravu, tko bi prihvatio pružiti pomoć u tim uvjetima. "Znači smuljala je Suzi ali kako Horst dolazi u tu priču?" Bosa je počela nekim glasom kao da objašnjava djetetu. "Pretpostavi ... odglumila je kod Suzi da je pod psihičkim stresom i slično iz razloga da je dodatno zainteresira iz tko zna kojih pobuda, a ova je nasjela i uz pažnju joj ponudila pomoć psihijatra poznanika. Tako Horst ulazi u igru." "Kako je smuljala psihijatra?" Bosa se nasmija. "Tatin i mamin sin. Otac mu je u pravosuđu ovdje neka viša faca nešto kao glavni istražni sudac ili slično, uglavnom pomogao nam je par puta oko prometnih prekršaja. Mama mu je profesor na fakultetu sociologija ili slično. Samo izgleda da nije baš sve kako treba u obitelji pa je jedino dijete pokupilo koješta u glavi. Mislim na komplekse i slično, sigurno nisu bili nasilni niti uvrnuti. Vjerojatno je požurio na psihijatriju kako bi prvo sebi pomogao oko nekih stvari. Goga je to na tretmanima skužila i na neki način otkrila koje i kakve priče treba pričati da ga zainteresira profesionalno i seksualno. Priče su se pretvorile u to da su je svi u obitelji silovali, a to smo čak radile i nas dvije kada je došla ovdje, sve sa detaljnim opisima. Tu je valjda negdje povučen neki otponac ili znak jednakosti između njih. Nakon tretmana i završenog liječenja su sreli kod Suzi na nekoj zabavi, najvjerojatnije ne slučajno, pa su uleteli u vezu. Skraćeno Goga uz priču da je zaveo i seksualno koristio psihijatar koji joj je trebao pružiti pomoć ima i šest polaroid slika njih dvoje u dosta bizarnom izdanju. To bi bilo dovoljno da Horsta košta budućnosti, a njegova obitelj bi bila dodatno u govnima do grla, radi sramote." Sve mi je bilo pomalo previše za pratiti i prihvatiti. Prekinuh je pomalo živčano. "Kako to sve tako detaljno znaš?" Pogledala me prijekorno kao da sam rekao da ne govori istinu. "Ponešto od Suzi, a ostalo od Horsta, danas sam razgovarala sa njim. Goga ga je dan prije pozvala da dođe u Western Gold navečer u određenom razdoblju, kako bi dogovorili zadnje detalje i uvijete da mu vrati one slike. Samo nije računala da će povesti i frendove sa alpinizma." Dok sam prstima vrtio čašu od soka gledao sam prazno u čašicu ispred sebe. Petra je dohvatila bocu i nasula još po jednu čašicu meni i Bosi. Znao sam da mi alkohol neće pasati ali dohvatih čašicu i ispraznih je u dva gutljaja. Bosa je polako pijuckala svoju. Djelovala je iscrpljeno. Trebalo mi je vremena da stvari malo posložim. Zapalio sam još jednu cigaretu, ni to mi nije pasalo. Rebra su me boljela pri svakom naglom pokretu. Pogledah Bosu. "Na kraju jesi sigurna za Suzi i Gogu, mislim ono za ženske grupnjake? Možda se Suzi samo malo hvali." Petra se namrštila pridigla sa stolice i preko stola me kvrcnula prstom po glavi. Bosa me gledala sa izrazom nekoga tko pokušava tvrdoglavom djetetu objasniti da je zemlja okrugla, a ne ravna ploča. "Znam da Suzi govori istinu budući da nije muškarac, pa se nema razloga uz šank i pivu hvaliti lovačkim pričama. Kod nas to malo drukčije ide. Nadalje rekla sam ti da je Suzi po malo egzibicionist pa ima i neke dodatne sitnice za pokazati. Uostalom ako ne vjeruješ pitaj je sam. Vidjet ćeš je večeras, vodi nas kod tog prijatelja na hitnu. Pozajmila je auto prijateljici pa idemo po nju. Nakon hitne idemo do nje na piće. Rekla je budući da joj kvarimo večernje planove radi jednog buzdovana, koji nije u stanju razmisliti prije tuče, da joj dugujemo malo društva, tek toliko da ne provede večer sama u stanu. Strpljenja skužit ćeš sve." "Čudno mi je da si razgovarala sa Horstom, on te zvao?" Bosa umorno odmahnu glavom. "Ja sam zvala Suzi i zamolila je da ga nagovori na razgovor ako može pričati nakon onog kolektivnog štemanja. Jednostavno sam željela biti sigurna da nitko neće miješati policiju odnosno da ti nećeš nahebati radi svoje gluposti. Suzi kaže da je teško prihvatio budući da je vozio prijatelje kod poznatih lječnika na pregled, nakon onog sinoć. Ipak smo se našli na kraju u kafiću blizu njegovog stana. Ima podljev na lijevoj strani lica, vlasniku za šankom je objasnio da su jučer popodne malo trenirali, pa je "popustilo uže za vezivanje". Mislim da mu nije vjerovao ali je uljudno klimnuo glavom. Objasnila sam mu da ste izmanipulirani, na sranje od priče o nasilnom bivšem dečku. Složio se da je najbolje ne miješati policiju niti njemu to ne odgovara mogla bi cijela priča isplivati na vidjelo. Ukratko popili smo kavu i razjasnili situaciju, jedina novost je da mu je Goga tražila pomoć oko promaknuća na višu poziciju u firmi uz ostalo što su dogovorili, kada je popizdio prijetila mu je "opasnim prijateljima" iz starog kraja." Živčano ugasih cigaretu u pepeljari. "Stvari sjedaju na mjesto. Ako je tako vjerojatno je zato išla smuljati i izmanipulirati Škota." Odmahnuo sam glavom. Bosa spusti ruku na moju. "Bambi ne mora biti tako, Škot je lijep i zgodan dečko uz to je obrazovan i šarmantan. Možda joj se svidio ili je sve to na njemu privlači. Možda joj samo paše imati lijepog, zgodnog i šarmantnog dečka par godina mlađeg od sebe, to joj diže ugled u očima ostalih." Telefon je zazvonio. Petra se digla i krenula prema telefonu, prvo normalnim korakom, a potom odskakutala na jednoj nozi držeći drugu koso podignutu ispred sebe i imitirajući neki zvuk u stilu "boink oink boink". Podigla je slušalicu potom izgovorila kratko da se pričeka sekundica i pogledala prema nama. Mahnula mi je držeći slušalicu u ruci. "Strela." Podigoh se polako pazeći da ne radim nagle pokrete. Dok sam preuzimao slušalicu zamijetih onaj ženski prsten na ruci i pomislih da je sreća što ne postoji video veza, ne bih volio da me vidi u ovom izdanju. "Halo Đoni kako si?" "Halo razbijaču, još se nekako držim na okupu. Malo su mi stradala rebra i lijeva šaka, večeras idemo to snimiti i provjeriti. U kojem si ti stanju? "Donja usna mi je malo otečena i lijeva šaka. Sve u svemu ništa strašno jedino još par dana neću moći povući kvačilo. Nema veze. Da nisi uletio kada je bilo loše prošao bih gore." "Strela nisam mislio da tebe mogu srušiti dvojica amatera." "I nisu, upravo su pasli asfalt kada sam vidio da je Škot u problemima sa onim Horstom, bio ga je dobro uhvatio. Uletio sam pomoći Škotu, dok sam uvaljivao onom Horstu koji direkt sa leđa pridigao se jedan od one dvojice i srušio me, tada si ti uletio. Bila je to dobra tuča." Šutio sam kratko. "Valjda." Zvučao sam kiselo ne znajući što misliti nakon svega. Zašutio je kratko, zbunjen mojom reakcijom. Kada je produljio djelovao je malo nesigurno. "Čuo sam se sa Škotom, on je uglavnom OK, ti si najgore prošao čini mi se. Možeš se normalno kretati?" "Svakako samo malo ubija ova depresija od kiše. Kako je kod tebe?" "Pijemo kolu, grickamo čips i gledamo tv. Bruna se smirila nakon sinoć, nije joj baš sve jasno i imam dojam da baš i ne voli Gogu, malo je kisela vjerojatno ovaj prokleto kišni dan." "Je uz sve što me boli još i depresija od kiše, hvala što si se javio ja sam mislio malo kasnije zvrcnuti tebe." Šutio je par sekundi. "Škot je rekao da se najvjerojatnije za tri tjedna ženi sa Gogom, pa da se dogovorimo da ostanemo do tada. Ništa mi nije jasno, čemu žuri toliko. Pitao sam. Navodno jedino tako može dobiti boravak i radnu dozvolu, preko braka. Zvao je nekog poznanika da mu u općini izvadi svu dokumentaciju, da je da na prijevod na njemački i ekspres pošalje. Goga može dobiti iz ambasade sve za par dana, nakon toga treba do tjedan dana da zakažu vjenčanje." Napravio je pauzu. "Đoni meni je sve čudno, kao neki čudesan san. Od jutros držim malo leda na usni i razmišljam. Ništa mi se ne uklapa i kog vraga je skočila na njega, kao mačka koja je ulovila miša i frkće na nas od straha da joj tog miša ne otmemo, što li ....." Odlučih da je bolje za sada ne govoriti mu ništa. Bio je dovoljno uznemiren. "Strela mislim da ti mogu ponešto objasniti kada se vidimo. Bit će sve u redu. Najbolje da prespavamo noć budemo pametniji sutra. A vas dvoje pređite na pivu ili nešto konkretno pa bude manje kiselo i manje razmišljanja." Nasmijao se. "Možda si u pravu, možda me samo ova depresija od kiše malo ubija. Kada se vidimo? "Nastojat ću sutra ali ne vozim pa ovisim od cura. Najbolje da se čujemo ujutro i dogovorimo." "OK čujemo se ujutro, ako nešto treba javi. Bog Đoni." "Bog Strela." Spustio sam slušalicu i prišao stolu. Posegao sam za vrećicom sa odjećom, vjerojatno ću se osjećati bolje kada se presvučem. Bosa je spustila ruku na vrećicu. "Ostavi to za sada, kupila sam to na brzaka na rasprodaji. Moram barem dobro poglačati sve, da se malo sterilizira. Tko zna gdje je sve ležalo." Umorno je slegla ramenima. "Čim se odmorim poglačam ti. Do tada moraš ostati ovako." Nasmiješila se. "Uostalom dobro ti stoji." Petra je prasnula u smijeh. Potom se uozbiljila. "Imaš dobre noge za minicu, duuuge." Nasmijale su se i poljubile. Pogledah kroz prozor u sitnu kišicu i poslije podnevnu svijetlost dana. Prokleto kišno popodne pomislih. Pornografija Suzi se vratila pričajući sa likom u bijelom mantilu. Bila je u trapericama i traper jakni vjerojatno dva do tri broja većoj od odgovarajućeg. Na taj način je večeras prikrivala prevelike grudi. Lik mi je bio simpatičan na prvi pogled. Niži prosijed, ugodnog pogleda i ponašanja. Dok su se pozdravljali nasmijali su se nekom komentaru, očigledno su bili u dobrim odnosima. Suzi polako priđe i namignu nam. "Snimci su ok. Sve je ok, ovaj buzdovan nije polomio ništa." Od početka sam za nju bio "ovaj buzdovan". Sa curama se smijala i pričala, meni izuzev profesionalne nije ukazivala neku drugu pažnju. Digli smo se sa stolica čekaonice i krenuli ka izlazu hitne. Bosa je išla pored Suzi i nešto pričala, Petra je išla pored mene. Malo je usporila i cimnula me za ruku. Polako mi je prilazila gledajući u pravcu Suzi i Bose koje su se udaljavale. Kada je očigledno ocijenila da su dovoljno daleko namignula mi je. "Idemo kod Suzi na neku hladnu večericu i igrati jamb. Suzi je dobar domaćin ali ako bude malo čudna u ponašanju prihvat to kao normalu, OK?" Klimnuo sam glavom. "Sve ok samo reci u kom smislu čudna?" Petra se nasmijala. "Ništa strašno, nema opasnosti da te siluje bez brige." Namignula je i povukla me za ruku. Bosa i Suzi su nas čekale pored auta. Sjeo sam naprijed pored Petre koja je vozila. Njih dvije su se smjestile na zadnje sjedalo. Petra je oštro krenula sa parkinga i ubacila se na cestu. Spretno je vozila slalom sa jedne na drugu voznu traku, probijajući se kroz gužvu. Iza mene Bosa je upitala Suzi. "Kako je Holz? Je on isto čitav ili?" Nešto u tome me natjeralo da se okrenem čekajući Suzin odgovor. Suzi je blago odmahnula glavom potom klimnula. "Čitav je samo par dana će jesti tekućinu na slamku, ima otečene usne i toliko plavica po licu da ga niti rođena majka neće prepoznati, na sreću sve će proći bez posljedica." Nisam izdržao. "Tko je Holz?" Suzi se polako nagnula malo bliže meni. "Lik kojeg si sinoć dobro rasturio dušo. To mu je nadimak izgleda ko komad hrasta." Bez obzira na sadržaj nije zvučalo zlobno. Pogledah je u oči. "Žao mi je, mislio sam da je jedan iz neke siledžijske bande." Suzi se još malo nagnula prema meni, pri tome su se grudi u traper jakni naslonile na moje sjedalo. Gledala me u oči sa strane koliko joj je to položaj dopuštao. "Prvo ga razbiješ, a poslije kažeš da ti je žao. Stvarno si ili dijete ili malouman, prije bi se reklo ovo prvo. Holz mu je nadimak radi izgleda, inače čovjek je diplomirani sociolog i vjerojatno je dosta pročitao o takvima kao ti. Trebam ti vjerovati da ti je žao?" Ni ovaj put nije bila zlobna, prije je sve zvučalo pomalo tužno. Petra se umiješala. "Objasnile smo Bambiju situaciju danas, kada se uspio izvući iz kreveta. Shvatio je da je pogriješio. Suzi se malo odmakla od mene. Koliko sam uspio vidjeti u tami auta pogled joj je bio ozbiljan. Kada je progovorila glas joj je bio znatno topliji od one ledare minutu prije. "Znaš buzdo ljudi su rođeni da se maze i uživaju, a ne da jedni drugima nanose bol. Zato slijedeći put u toj praznoj kutiji koju nazivaš glavom potraži mrvu mozga prije nego uletiš i ištemaš prvog koji ti se ne sviđa. Ja sam postala liječnik ne radi bijelog mantila i titule već zato što doista želim pomagati ljudima u nevolji." Odmahnuh glavom. "Stvarno mi je žao." Spustila je ruku na moje rame. "Vjerujem. Što je učinjeno učinjeno je i nema nazad. Na sreću svi ste ostali više manje čitavi i bez posljedica." Malo je pojačala stisak i povukla ruku. Ostatak vožnje sam šutio. Njih tri su intenzivno pričale kao da ja nisam prisutan. Imena mi nisu bila poznata ali sam doznao da su neke cure, iz njihovog kruga, našle novu vezu. Da se u ekipi pojavio slatki nježni uljudni dečko sa jednom Suzinom bivšom, jedna cura je promijenila make up na nešto što uopće ne pristaje njenom licu, a na tri mjesta su bile super rasprodaje. Ovaj razgovor mi nije smetao, dapače nakon sjebanog dana mi je pasalo ne slušati ništa o čemu bih morao razmišljati. Zamijetih da je Suzin običaj bio da se curama obraća sa "šećeru" ako ih ne bi zvala imenom. Na neki način je to dobro zvučalo ma kako ofucano bilo. Dnevni boravak Suzinog stana je bio klasično uređen, nikakav luksuz izuzev što je bio prostran. Ne znam iz kojeg razloga sam očekivao nešto luksuzno i uvrnuto. Garnituru od trosjeda, dvije fotelje, stola i ormara za pića upotpunjavala je samo jedna kožna fotelja očigledno anatomski prilagođena. HiFi uređaji, televizor i videorekorder su bili u specijalno izrađenoj polici naspram te kožne fotelje. Jedino su slike i tepih odavali dojam skupoće i kvalitete. "Šećeru, za tebe je najbolje da se smjestiš u ovu anatomsku fotelju. Tako nećeš imati položaj koji opterećuje rebra." Ovo je bilo upućeno meni. Ostao sam iznenađen. Od Suzi bih u najboljem slučaju očekivao da mi se obrati sa "buzdovančiću", "buzdo" ili nešto slično." Oklijevao sam pa je uz smiješak klimnula zapovjednički glavom prema fotelji. Krenuh polako sa namjerom da radim što manje oštrih pokreta pri sjedanju. Suzi se okrenula ka curama. "Vi ste ovdje domaće pa se smjestite gdje vam padne na pamet. Idem po aperitiv za početak, dobila sam sjajan grčki uzo, to morate probati." Nestala je prema kuhinji i blagavaoni koja je bila u nastavku dnevnog boravka. Bosa se smjestila u fotelju puštajući svoju torbu na pod. Petra je svoju torbicu bacila pored trosjeda izula tenisice i pružila se na trosjed gledajući u strop. Suzi se vratila sa vlažnom bocom neobično izduženog izgleda, očigledno je do sada bila u hladnjaku. Stavila je bocu na podmetač na stoliću i izvadila čašice iz ormarića za pića. Dok je to radila dva puta je prstima počešala Petru po trbuhu uz smiješak. Petra je samo reagirala sa jednim "mmmmm" blago njišući kukovima lijevo desno. Nazdravili smo. Petra je nazdravila ležeći. Suzi je svoju čašicu istresla "na eks". Ja sam pažljivo otpio. Piće je bilo ok, pa sam si priuštio još jedan gutljaj. Suzi je nasula još jednu čašicu i ispraznila je. "Cijeli tjedan frka na poslu, nisam popila ni kapi. Večeras ću malo nadoknaditi. Vi se opustite i prepustite." Nestala je u pravcu blagavaone i kuhinje. U narednih pet minuta je donijela zdjele sa čipsom, kanape sendviče, zdjelu maslina, blok i kockice za jamb. Ubacila je kazetu u HiFi kazet deck i prostoriju je ispunio ugodni ritam Jazz glazbe šezdesetih. Dok je sve završila ispraznila je još jednu čašicu, a uz četvrtu je napunila i naše prazne čaše. Zapalih cigaretu. Večer je krenula uz zvuk kockica na stolu i daljnji ženski razgovor. Ja sam više šutio. Nakon jednog sata ili nešto više i dvije čašice dalje Suzi je odložila kockice i nasmiješila se. "Idem se presvući u nešto ugodnije, kasnije idemo zajedno postaviti stol i gricnuti tu hladnu večeru. Naručila sam, ketering finih papica." Nestala je iz dnevnog boravka, a Petra mi je namignula iz ležećeg položaja u koji se ponovno bacila. Bosa je sa smiješkom polako otpila još jedan mali gutljaj iz čašice. Ja sam zapalio novu cigaretu. Iz zvučnika je Eric Clapton pjevao svoj "Ocean bulevard". Suzi se vratila u prozirnoj plavoj haljini i sandalama na visoke potpetice. Ipak je ispod zadržala grudnjak gaćice i hulahopke. Izgledala je čudno i zadovoljno da paradira na taj način. Zamjetih da je stvarno bila skladno građena izuzev prevelikih grudi koje su počivale u jednom od onih specijalnih grudnjaka. Mahnula je glavom prema nama. "Idemo na večeru, poslije imamo film "Vatrene ulice" za pogledati." Mene su smjestile za okrugli stol u blagavaoni, a one su postavile tanjure i pribor. Na stolu se našla boca nekog crnog vina i čaše. Iz hladnjaka su donesena dva pladnja, na jednom je bila klasika hladnog nareska i sira, a na drugom hladni losos usoljene haringe i gomila kavijara na sredini. Toster i paket kruha za prepečenac su bili postavljeni na stol, "pa neka svatko sebi napravi po volji". Večera je počela zdravicom sa vinom. Suzi je bila u elementu, pogladila je Bosu par puta po zadnjici dok su postavljale stol i dala Petri dvije puse u usta dok je točila vino. Mene je blago ignorirala. Ipak je u jednom trenutku dok je išla po coca colu za Petru spustila ruku na moje rame i nježno me stisnula. To je bilo sve, očigledno samo znak pažnje. Šutio sam i polako žvakao u kakofoniji ženskih glasova i tema. Nakon skoro sat vremena Bosa me upitno pogledala. "Đoni je ti dobro? Dosta si se ušutio i povukao, što je? Osjećaš se ugroženo?" Suzi se nasmijala. Nakon vina je već bila crvena u licu i vesela. Odmahnuh glavom. "Bilo je ovo pasje kišno popodne za mene. Još se pokušavam složiti nakon svega što sam čuo." Suzi me pogleda upitno. Petra je nabola komad lososa na vilicu i ubacila ga u usta. Bosa je slegnula ramenima i pogledala Suzi. "Suzi njemu je teško prihvatiti sve to o Gogi, čak mislim da ne vjeruje da je bila sa tobom i zabavljala se sa curama." Suzi me pogledala i odmahnula glavom polako lijevo desno, potom se nasmijala. "Goga je kuja, teška kuja nakon svega ovog što je učinila. Počekaj malo nevjerni šećeru pokazat ću ti nešto pa zaključi sam." Suzi se spretno podigla od stola unatoč piću i nestala iz blagavaone. Bosa me fiksirala u oči, Petra je gomilicu kavijara naganjala po tanjuru pri tome imitirajući zvuk buldožera, nju očigledno nije ništa zanimalo. Suzi se vratila sa plavom kuvertom u ruci. Bacila je kuvertu pred mene i sjela na svoje mjesto. "Pogledaj i vrati na mjesto, bit će dovoljno da ti do kraja otvori te poluotvorene okice mačiću slijepi." Polako sam podigao kuvertu i pogledao natpis. Pisalo je Goga 9 kom. U gornjem lijevom kutu kuverte je bila napisana brojka 42. Očigledno je kuverta bila dio veće kolekcije. Izvadih devet polaroid slika iz kuverte, polako sam ih pogledao. Sve su prikazivale Gogu u eksplicitnim seksualnim situacijama sa još dvije ili tri žene. Pornografija kakva se mogla poželjeti. Vratih fotografije u kuvertu i položih je pred Suzi. Klimnuo sam glavom. "OK to je to. Goga je manipulatorska kuja." Suzi mi namignula. "Ipak joj želim svako dobro ako ne nanosi štetu drugima, bila je komad koji se pamti." Pokupila je kuvertu i nestala. Znao sam da će je vratiti na točno mjesto u tko zna koliko velikoj kolekciji. Pitao sam se što sve te slike sadrže. Suzi se vratila i otpila iz svoje čaše potom se okrenula i sa ozbiljnim izrazom lica upitala. "Znate li da sam otkrila medicinski razlog zašto žene imaju kovrčave stidne dlake. I znate li zašto?" Pogledala nas je i nasmijala se. "Da ne bodu u oči." Ostatak večeri proveo sam u polu snu jedva držeći oči otvorene. Šok alkohol i napor su uzeli svoje. Nisam uspijevao pratiti film, a teme razgovora uz film me nisu zanimale. Suzi je sjedila u fotelji preko puta mene više pričajući sa curama manje prateći film. U jednom trenutku je prekinula razgovor i mahnula rukom pred mojim očima. Trgoh se. Pogledala me u oči. "Što je, tako te zanima kako izgledaju?" Shvatih da sam umoran spustio pogled i nesvjesno ga fiksirao na Suzinim grudima, bio sam toliko umoran da sam ga mogao fiksirati i na nogu od stola, bilo mi svejedno. Suzi je to rastumačila na drugi način. Nasmijala se. "Dobro da ne mučimo dečkića i njegovu radoznalost." Polako se digla skinula onu prozirnu haljinu i otkopčala grudnjak, potom je sjela i skinula grudnjak. Dok je to radila nagnula se malo naprijed. Dvije velike cice su se spustile na Suzine natkoljenice, sa velikim bradavicama i tamnim krugom oko njih. Izgledalo je kao groteska ali je bilo i nekog jakog erotskog naboja u tome. Suzi se nasmijala podižući čašu. "Ako želiš možeš ih i opipati ali to je sve što ću ti dopustiti." Nesvjesno sam odmahnuo glavom gledajući je u grudi, pri tome nisam mislio na Suzinu ponudu. Nastao je terenutak neugodne tišine. Petra se stvori pored mene, očigledno se mačjom spretnošću podigla sa trosjeda. Klimnula je glavom prema meni. "Hej ako on neće mogu ja, ja ću, ja ću." Suzi i Bosa su se počele smijati. Ja sam motao misao po glavi. Na kraju se pojavila potpuno i kristalno jasna. Pitao sam se ima li itko normalan, izuzev mene, u ovoj priči koju živim. Istodobno shvatih da je pitanje krivo postavljeno, ispravno bi bilo "ima li itko normalan u ovoj priči". Definitivno ni ja nisam po svim važećim standardima bio normalan. Bilo mi je normalno da živim sa dvije cure koje su u vezi, da na njihovu vezu gledam kao nešto normalno, postanem dio te veze nosim njihovu odjeću i ne razmišljam o tome. Što je uopće i značilo biti normalan izuzev ako nije značilo da drugima ne nanosiš zlo. Unatoč svemu Goga bi mogla proći kao normalna da nije manipulacijom izazvala toliko problema. Počeo sam tonuti. Netko je sjeo do mene na naslon fotelje i protresao me za rame. Podigoh pogled prema Petri koja me sa smijehom gledala odozgo. Namignula je. "Hei jesi vidio kako sam ih ćooopila?" Klimnuh glavom i zaključih da definitivno nitko nije normalan. Pomislih na Škota. Sjetio sam se one priče o zidaru gast arbeiter – u koji je upoznao lijepu ženu u njemačkoj, zaljubio se i oženio na brzaka. Nakon par godina braka bio je na terenu i zidao nešto. Bilo mu dosadno za vikend pa otišao do sex shop-a da kupi neku pornografiju za zabavu i "ručni rad" navečer. Kupio na rasprodaji neku deblju knjižicu kompilacije sličica i navečer krenuo u razgledavanje. U porno priči sa sličicama, pod nazivom "Ispunjeni svi mogući pravci", na slikama, po liku madežima na specifičnim mjestima te još nekim detaljima, prepozna svoju ženu. Na svu sreću Suzi ne dila pornografiju. Sam na cesti Probudilo me jutarnje sunce. Ležao sam na krevetu ne razmišljajući ništa, pitao sam se koliko je sati. Polako sam zbacio pokrivač sa sebe, spustio noge na pod i potražio one Petrine natikače. Sjetih se da su Petra i Bosa doma. Petra je završavala neki tečaj programiranja u Dbase 3 pa je uzela godišnji, a Bosa je izjavila da nas ne pušta same i također uzela godišnji. Petra je ispit trebala polagati za par dana, nakon toga su bile slobodne za pravi godišnji. Polako sam krenuo prema blagavaoni. Pokušao sam stisnuti lijevu šaku ali nije išlo. Bol u rebrima je već osjetno popustila ali šaka još nije bila u redu, pitao sam se kako povući ručicu kvačila. Krajem tjedna sigurno ne mogu nazad doma. U razgovoru sa Strelom odlučili smo ne čekati Škotovo vjenčanje. Nakon što sam mu objasnio veći dio od onoga što sam čuo, preskačući samo one pornografske fotke koje je Suzi napravila, odlučili smo da je najbolje da se više ne miješamo. Dok smo mi pričali u dnevnom boravku Bruna je vodila razgovor sa curama u blagavaoni. Činilo se da se dobro uklapaju. Osjećao sam se frustrirano. Danas je utorak, kako ide najmanje još tjedan dana neću biti u stanju voziti. Valjda Strela nema ništa protiv polaska slijedećeg tjedna. Bosa je sjedila za stolom u blagavaoni čitajući novine, Petra je bila za kompjuterom i nešto tipkala. Bosa se nasmiješila. "Može kava?" Klimnuo sam glavom. Petra je samo podigla pogled sa kompjutera i mahnula mi rukom. Sjeo sam za stol i zapalio cigaretu čekajući kavu. Bosa mi je donijela čašu soka. Sjetih se da odavno nisam ništa skuhao, bio bi red da danas pokažem još neko svoje kulinarsko umijeće i oslobodim cure brige o ručku. Zadnjih par dana bile su jako pažljive prema meni, osjećao sam se kao parazit. Kava u šalici je dobro mirisala, nasmiješih se Bosi, telefon je zazvonio. Bosa je krenula prema telefonu, ja sam otpio gutljaj kave. "Bambi!" Okrenuh se prema Bosi koja je držala slušalicu u ruci. "Za tebe je." Polako krenuh prema telefonu. Mogao je biti samo Strela ili možda nadao sam se Škot. Nakon našeg zadnjeg telefonskog u kojem sam mu objasnio da ne ostajemo i da bi bio red da sam objasni sve svojima i Ljilji bio je jako kiseo. Podigoh slušalicu. "Halo Đoni , Strela je. Kako si?" "Ne baš dobro, rebra su bolje ali šaku još ne mog skupiti, mislio sam te zvati da odgodimo polazak za idući tjedan, neću moći pritisnuti kvačilo." Slijedilo je razdoblje tišine. "Đoni ja danas krećem doma. Jednostavno moram. Škot je javio svojima i Ljilji da ostaje i ženi se. Kada je Škotova mama čula sa kim se ženi poludila je. Ona ima jako loše mišljenje o Gogi još od davnih dana dok je bila u Zemunu. Ljilja je popizdila kada je čula priču, nazvala je Ljilju i u suzama joj sve ispričala." "Stani." Prekinuh ga. Složio sam sve u par sekundi tišine potom produljih. "Kako stvari stoje čak nam je i bolje da odložimo povratak. Svi će se ispuhati za tjedan dana i nama ostaje manje pitanja za odgovoriti, kao i manje prebacivanja. Uostalom kako znaš sve te detalje, zvao si nekoga?" "To sam ti upravo želio reći kada si me prekinuo. Škot je pustio Gogin broj telefona svojima, za slučaj da nešto trebaju. Škotova Ljilja je nazvala njegovu mamu i isplakala se na ramenu. Izvukla je broj telefona uz obećanje da će pokušati urazumiti Škota. Međutim dala je telefon mojoj Miri sa zadaćom da prije toga od mene izvuče sve što može o cijeloj situaciji." Napravio je par sekundi pauze. Kada je produljio glas mu je bio ljutit. " E sada dolazi ono najbolje. Ljilja je nazvala kod Goge kako bi razgovarala sa mnom. Goga se javila i znaš što je uradila." Šutio je par sekundi i potom nastavio naglašavajući svaku riječ. "Dala joj je broj telefona kod Brune sa objašnjenjem da je najbolje da me potraži i popriča tamo i da je više ne uznemirava. Mira je nazvala i dobila Brunu. Normalno šokirala se. Na svu sreću nije pitala za mene po nadimku već imenom. Razgovor je bio na engleskom i Bruna je mislila da traži tebe. Odgovorila je da ti nisi trenutno tu ali da je "Strela u sobi i gleda tv", pa ako hoće da priča. Javio sam se i izvukao na to da je Bruna tvoja trenutna cura itd.. Normalno bila je sumnjičava ali nekako je progutala budući da sam otišao do Brune i zamolio je da joj potvrdi na telefon kako si slatki njezin dečko." Ponovno ga prekinuh. "OK daj mi par sekundi da to svarim. Znači službeno za doma ja sam bio sa Brunom. Nema problema napišem ti ispričnicu za Miru, zamolimo Brunu da ja i ona napravimo par fotki kako se grlimo i sve na svom mjestu. Znači nema ..." Prekinuo me. "Đoni nije to tako jednostavno. Slušaj dalje. Pizdarije su bile kako se i moglo očekivati. Ljilja ili Mira nisam više siguran tko je nazavala moje. Objašnjenje koje im je servirano bilo je da smo sva trojica upali u loše društvo, a uz Škota ti i ja završili kod nekih sumnjivih cura koje vjerojatno mislim ženiti radi ostanka u Njemačkoj. Babe ko babe. Ne bi to bio problem ali dala i broj telefona kod Brune. Moja mama nazove i javi se Bruna normalno ne skuži niti riječi francuskog i pozove mene. Kada sam se javio stara na rubu suza i panike, nije pomagalo ništa, zalupi slušalicu kada sam pokušao biti razložan. Pet minuta kasnije ponovo zvoni telefon. Zove tata. Objasni mi da on nema ništa protiv, dapače da mu je drago što mu sin nije "smotana budala" ali da se mami naglo pogoršala situacija sa srcem. Nađem se u govnima...." Zašutio je. Sjetih se da je Strelina mama imala nekih manjih srčanih problema ali da liječnici nisu to smatrali opasnim. Opasno je bilo samo za Strelinog starog kojeg je uvijek, kada njoj nije nešto bilo po volji, maltretirala "da je dobila srčani napad nakon toga što joj je rekao". Par puta je Strela ispričao te scene uz smijeh na temu "kako je mama stisnula starog". Pokušah oprezno. "Strela misliš da joj je stvarno loše nakon toga što je čula?" Nakon par sekundi tišine počeo je polako i razložno. "Ne znam Đoni nisam siguran da je loše. U biti boli me ku..$..c ako ona pizdi zašto sam sa nekom ženom i što radim sa ženama u životu ali probleme sa srcem sigurno ima. Postoji i nekih dvadeset posto šansi, nakon što su svi napravili frku, da je stvarno i dobila neki napad. Ne bih želio da mi majka doživi srčani napad i otpluta na onaj svijet samo zato što ja mislim da je osamdeset posto šansi da folira. Nadalje znaš da mi je stalo do Mire. Jednostavno danas idem nazad i računam stići čim prije. Želim te samo vidjeti prije polaska." Šutio sam, kada sam progovorio jedva sam prevaljivao riječi preko usana. "Strela možeš doći do Bosinog stana ili da zamolim nekoga da me vozi?" "Nema potrebe da moliš mogu se snaći do tamo, samo izađi vani za sat vremena molim te, ne želim ništa pričati pred Bosom." Prekinuo je bez pozdrava. Polako sam sjeo za stol i posegao za kavom, pogledah na sat bilo je jedanaest, znači za sat vremena "točno u podne". Bosa me promatrala zabrinuto. "Problemi?" Klimnuh glavom. "Objasnit ću sve kasnije kada čujem još neke detalje." Zapalio sam novu cigaretu. Ovo će biti dugo čekanje. Strela je spretno smotao ka garaži. Čekao sam dok je silazio sa motora podizao ga na nogare i skinuo kacigu. Dali smo si pet bez riječi. Pokazah prema zidiću oko susjedne kuće. "Možemo sjesti tamo." Klimnuo je glavom i krenuo. Počekao sam dok smo se smjestili i dok nije zapalio cigaretu. "Da li si nazvao Škota i pokušao objasniti situaciju, mislim da bi trebao znati što se događa." Povukao je jedan dugi dim cigarete i klimnuo glavom. "Jesam, javila se Goga i zalupila mi slušalicu." Polako sam slagao stvari u glavi. Stvarno je bilo sve van pameti. "Zašto se tako ponaša. Nismo joj uradili ništa na žao. Tretira nas kao uljeze u životu. Vjerojatno radi Škota ali i onako ga je smotala." Strela je šutio. Kada je progovorio bilo je to umornim glasom. "Znaš Đoni Škot je lijep i zgodan uz to u našem kraju važi kao dečko iz ugledne obitelji. Razmišljao sam nakon svega što si mi ispričao. Tko zna što se mota u Goginoj glavi i koje komplekse liječi. Uostalom više nije niti bitno. Bruna mi ispričala još par detalja o Gogi, u biti je one večeri kada smo se upoznali jedva i prihvatila naći se sa njom. Mislim da je Goga i ovdje u njemačkoj sama. Izjebala je pola okolice iz nekog materijalnog interesa i nema baš prijatelje. Ima par bivših ljubavnika kao "prijatelje" i skoro ništa više. Škot je popizdio za njom i vjerojatno joj ukazuje dosta pažnje. Znači više nije sama i ima pažnju. Mislim da smo mi za nju samo likovi koji joj žele uzeti Škota." Gledao sam u ruke analizirajući sve što je Strela rekao. Imalo je logike. Klimnuh glavom. "Nije mogla znati da odlazimo. Muči me samo što ništa ne mogu učiniti za Škota. Nije bitno sa kojom je ali od djetinjstva smo frendovi i volio bih da je barem svjestan sa kojom se upušta. Ako je, nije me više briga ali mislim da sam mu trebao reći. Uostalom uvijek je bio na neki način naš duhovni vođa nije li tako?" "Ne Đoni, nije to to. Razmišljao sam nakon svega. Škot je u biti samo razrađivao tvoje ideje i poneku moju i davao im smisao, u sve ove godine nije pokazao neku osobnost. Kada bolje razmislim više si ti bio duhovni vođa nego on. Samo smo ga mi doživljavali tako. I ovdje smo dospijeli na tvoju inicijativu, on je kao uvijek samo usklađivao ekipu. Dobar je dečko ali bez neke osobnosti. Naletio je na jaču osobnost i poklopila ga je. Tko zna koje seksualne sklonosti se motaju u njegovoj glavi, a ova je to nanjušila. Želio sam te vidjeti samo da ti kažem da te ne napuštam. Ne mislim ni da je mami tako loše. Jednostavno ne želim da se slučajno nešto sa mamom dogodi, a da ja sebi poslije prebacujem cijeli život da se to moglo izbjeći da sam se pokupio i došao doma na dan dva. Ako želiš ili budeš trebao vratit ću se po tebe nakon par dana doma kada sredim situaciju." Pljesnuh ga zdravom rukom po ramenu. "Ne budali. Lakše meni jedan put voziti sam nego tebi dva puta sam i jedan put u mojem društvu. Kako ti je šaka? Imaš sve što ti treba za put?" Podigao je ruku, šaka mu je još imala onu plavkastu boju međutim dosta lako je skupio prste. "Još malo boli ali ne moram baš često mijenjati brzine." Nasmijao se i odmahnuo glavom. "Bruna mi je dala jednu staru deku i neki stari šator za jednu osobu od neke njene frendice kojoj to više ne treba, bit će dovoljno. Sva kamp oprema je ostala kod Goge, a ja ne želim više tamo." Sjedili smo još par minuta u tišini. Strela je polako ustao. "Đoni vrijeme je da krenem." Podigao sam se i stavio mu ruku na rame. Gledao sam ga u oči. On je svoju ruku položio na moje rame. "Sretno Strela." "Sretno Đoni." Krenuo je ka motoru. Nije se osvrtao, jedino je pri polasku mahnuo rukom. Promatrao sam dok nije nestao u daljini. Čekalo ga je puno kilometara samog na motoru od 175 ccm. Polako sam ušao u blagavaonu. Bosa me pogledala dok sam sjedao na stolicu. "Bambi izgleda da su stvarno problemi?" Klimnuh glavom. Dok sam se vraćao u meni je kuhalo. Dosta pizdarija smo izgleda otrpjeli radi Goge, a slabo što se dalo ispraviti i uopće imalo svrhe ispravljati. Ipak mi je isplivala jedna stvar u smušenom moru misli. Bila je jedna stvar koju bih mogao ispraviti. Pogledao sam Bosu. "Bosa možemo li se naći sa Suzi. Zamolio bih je za jednu uslugu. Molim te." Bosa je polako složila novine i krenula ka telefonu. Minutu kasnije sam čuo njezin glas. "Bok Suzi, kako si?" Pauza. "Znam da si na poslu." Pauza. "To znači da imaš dobar pogled." Smijala se. "Molim te ako se možemo vidjeti, Bambi bi te zamolio za neku uslugu?" Nasmijala se vrlo glasno potom spustila slušalicu. Polako je prišla stolu i sjela dok je vadila cigaretu iz kutije namignula mi. "Može, sutra navečer možemo navratiti do nje pa pitaj. Rekla je samo da ti ovaj put ne pokazuje ništa, prošli put kada je to uradila pao si u nesvijest." Sjetih se da sam, prošli put, nakon što je Suzi pokazala cice zaspao par minuta kasnije, izmučen iscrpljenošću i onim što sam doznao. Probudile su me nakon dva sata i odvukle do auta. "Takve cice se ne viđaju svaki dan. Reći ću samo da su vaše ljepše." Začuh nakašljavanje iz dnevnog boravka. Petra me gledala i plazila jezik, sjetih se da ona ima male grudi. Bosa se samo nasmiješila i odmahnula glavom. Ja sam mislio na Strelu čekalo ga je puno kilometara. Sva duga putovanja vozili smo zajedno. Prvi put je sam na cesti. Sloboda Čekao sam pod suncem pored motora na parkingu. Dobro je grijalo za kasno poslije podne. Crni BMW serije 5 je skrenuo sa ceste. Polako se parkirao na par metara od mene. Čekao sam dok je Horst izašao i zatvorio vrata. Gledali smo se. Nakon skoro minutu vremena je napravio tih par koraka do mene i klimnuo glavom. "Suzi me zamolila da se nađem sa tobom. Ne vidim svrhu, nemamo jedan drugom što reći izuzev da smo žrtve manipulacije ipak njoj za ljubav tu sam." Pružih mu ruku. "Kao prvo želim ti se ispričati." Gledao je u moju ruku kratko vrijeme potom je prihvatio. Dok smo se rukovali gledao sam ga u oči. Klimnuo je glavom. "OK, a kao drugo?" Polako sam posegao u gornji džep jakne i izvukao kuvertu. Izvadio sam šest polaroid fotografija Goge i Horsta i raširio ih kao karte u ruci. Pokazao sam ih polako da mu bude jasno što pokazujem. Zbunjeno je gledao potom klimnuo glavom. "OK što tražiš za slike?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Ništa, samo te želim osloboditi, toliko ti dugujem nakon svega." Polako sam složio fotografije i vratio ih u kuvertu. Bez ikakve žurbe izvadio sam Zippo koji sam, po meni prije sto godina, dobio na poklon i zapalio kuvertu sa slikama. Gledao sam kako gori uz specifičan miris plastike sa polaroid fotografija. Pred kraj bacih je na zemlju i razmazah čizmom ostatke. Gledao me prvo začuđeno, a nakon toga nekim čudnim izgubljenim pogledom. "Kako si došao do toga?" "Suzi i jedan prijatelj su mi pomogli. Tebi to nije važno Goga te nema više ni sa čim ucjenjivati, nakon svega ostala je samo njena izjava protiv tvoje, to ne pali i slobodan si." Dugo je gledao u mene. "Da popijemo piće tu u kafiću?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Nema potrebe, nas dva smo završili svoju priču. Ti si slobodan da ideš svojim putem bez prijetnji nad glavom, a ja se oslobađam i vraćam svojim putem, sretno." Klimnuo je glavom i krenuo prema autu. Okrenuh se i skinuh kacigu sa motora. Polako se okrenuh prema njemu. Držao je otvorena vrata BMW-a jednom rukom, drugom mi je mahnuo. "Bila je ono dobra tuča Đoni, a nadam se da se Goga dovoljno tresla dok ti je dala ove slike." Mahnuo je još jedan put rukom i sjeo u auto. Čekao sam dok crni BMW nije nestao sa parkinga. Nije bilo lako pomislih prisjećajući se detalja. Polako sam zajahao motor i startao. Šaka me još boljela dok sam pritiskao ručicu kvačila. Bosa me samo pogledala kada sam ušao u dnevni boravak. Imao sam dojam kao da sam Petru i nju prekinuo u nekom razgovoru koji ja nisam trebao čuti. Polako sam sjeo u fotelju. Petra je ustala sa trosjeda i dala mi pusu Bosa je samo mahnula rukom. Imao sam dojam kao da je Petra posebno nježna prema meni zadnjih par dana. Pogladio sam je po zadnjici. "Mogu dobiti piće? Trebalo bi mi." Petra je klimnula glavom i nestala u pravcu kuhinje. Minutu kasnije postavila je čašicu i bocu tequile na stol. Nasula je i sjela. Jednim potezom iskapio sam čašicu i zapalio cigaretu. Bosa me promatrala. "Nema te od jutros, brinule smo se ruka ti je u lošem stanju, a ni rebra ti nisu još posve dobro, gdje si bio?" Pogledah je i napunih drugu čašicu. "Vratio sam Horstu one slike kojim ga je Goga ucjenjivala." Bosa je raširila oči. "Kako si došao do toga?" "Goga mi ih je dala." "Kako? Zašto bi ih tebi dala?" "Sjećaš se posjete Suzi?" Klimnula je glavom. "Zamolio sam je da mi da tri slike na koiima je Goga iz onog seta njene kolekcije. Što misliš zašto?" Slegnula je ramenima. "Kada si zamolio Suzi za slike postavila ti je uvjet da joj kažeš zašto ti trebaju. Rekao si da želiš shebati Goginu manipulaciju, pa ti je dala tri kako si tražio ali uz uvjet da ih ne zlorabiš, a na moju riječ. Jamčila sam joj za tebe, a nisam niti pitala zašto si uzeo njen broj telefona." Klimnuh glavom. "Točno odabrao sam tri najeksplicitnije, one gdje se Goga jasno vidi i nema zabune da je to ona. Jutros sam prvo otišao do Gogine firme i zamolio službenicu na ulazu da je nazove. Malo je oklijevala ali kada sam joj rekao da imam nešto što bih mogao pokazati Škotu ako ne dođe na razgovor prihvatila je. Našli smo se u kafiću u blizini. Pokazao sam joj slike i rekao da ću ih pokazati Škotu i ispričati mu sve ali da odustajem od toga ako mi da one slike sa Horstom. Prvo je izjavila da mi Škot neće vjerovati, a možda se neće ni vidjeti sa mnom ako mu ona to kaže. Potom je razmislila i prihvatila. Rekla je da to sa Horstom ionako više nije bitno. Rekao sam joj da mi dostavi slike do tri sata poslije podne. Kada sam dobio svih šest slikica sa Horstom dao sam joj one tri. Potom sam nazvao Suzi i zamolio je da organizira susret sa Horstom oko pet." Bosa me začuđeno gledala, a Petra je sjela na naslon fotelje i poljubila me. Kada je progovorila Bosa je i dalje djelovala zbunjeno. "Kako si znao da će prihvatiti razmjenu?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Nisam znao ali sam igrao na kartu da joj je stalo do Škota, odnosno da joj je jako stalo." Bosa je zbunjeno gledala potom je posegnula za cigaretama. Zapalila je cigaretu slegla ramenima i otpuhnula dugi dim. "Znači umjesto da pokažeš slikice prijatelju i kažeš mu sa kim ima posla iskoristio si ih da pomogneš nekome koga uopće ne poznaješ. Čudno izgleda kao da si prodao prijatelja u zamjenu za pomoć strancu." "Ne Bosa. Prijatelj nas je napustio. Za svo vrijeme, od kada je sa Gogom, Škot nije nazvao nit mene niti Strelu izuzev kada smo mu trebali. Nakon toga se isto nije javio. Možda ni to ne bi bilo bitno ali mislim da bi mi definitivno teško povjerovao sve ono za Gogu, čak i sa slikama. On je Gogu vidio na svoj način i ja sam mu teško mogao pomoći. Uradio sam jedino što sam mogao zaigrao na kartu da je Gogi stalo do njega. Da je Goga odbila razmjenu pokušao bih razgovarati sa Škotom i pokazati mu slike. Kako je prihvatila znači da joj je stalo do njega i najbolje da se ipak ne miješam. Jednostavno." Petra me zgrlila i dala mi jedan dugi poljubac. Bosa je klimala glavom. Potom me upitala. "A što sada?" Nasmiješih se. "Sada je sloboda, nitko više nije vezan ni sa čim, samo naša slobodna volja i izbor." Bosa se nasmiješila. Inicijacija Nisam mogao uhvatiti dah, gušio sam se. Mačić je osjećao jaku bol i hladnoću, bol je bila sve jača i ma koliko glasno plakao nije nestala. U trenutku kada je osjetio da je bol neizdrživa, osjetio je da ga mama liže i gura njuškom. Bol je nestala i osjetio je toplinu. Nije bio ni svjestan da je prešao granicu postojanja. Naglo sam se probudio. Pogledao sam na sat, bilo je tri ujutro. Kroz polu spuštene rolete spavaće sobe dopirala je slaba svjetlost ulične svjetiljke. Petra je spavala do mene sa jednom rukom na mom ramenu. Bosa je spavala do Petre sa rukom oko njezinog struka. Polako sam sklonio Petrinu ruku i ustao pazeći da ih ne probudim. Spustio sam se do dnevnog boravka i sjeo za stol. Natikače sam donio u ruci i sada ih navukoh. U gaćama i majici mi je bilo dovoljno toplo. Pokupih cigarete sa stola i zapalih jednu. San me je uznemirio. Nisam skoro nikada imao teške snove. Polako sam posložio dijelove sna i povezao ih sa stvarnošću. Bilo je to "doba sazrijevanja". Negdje oko 15 ili 16 godina. Još smo vozili naše sklepane skutere od 49 ccm. Parkirali smo ispred trgovine sa namjerom da kupimo Cocktu i tirolsku salamu za odlazak na pecanje. Na skuterima su bili pričvršćeni rasklopljeni štapovi za pecanje i male torbe. Trebao je to biti ugodan dan. Tada smo začuli glasno histerično mijaukanje mačke i prodorno glasanje mačića. Dopiralo je iza trgovine pa začuđen mahnuh glavom ka Škotu i Streli u pravcu mijaukanja. Iza trgovine je bilo par garaža u malom slijepom prolazu. Na kraju prolaza, pregrađenog zidom, upravo ispred zida bila je skupina naših vršnjaka. Prepoznao sam Acu Psinu, tada još Acu Glavonju, kao i članove njegove neslužbene bande. Već tada je sa četiri lokalna nasilnika pokušavao zavesti neki svoj red i pravila, među nama sličnih godina, u predgrađu. Uvidio sam da ih je sada šest na okupu, znači bio je netko novi u igri. Par koraka bliže bilo mi je sve jasno. Aca je držao neki jeftini lovački nož u ruci i bocnuo vezanog mačića ispred sebe, ne dovoljno da ga ubije ali dovoljno da mu nanese jaku bol. Mački su špagom bile svezane zadnje noge, a drugi kraj špage je bio vezan za vrata garaže. Na boku je već imala duboku posjekotinu nožem. Unatoč svemu je prednjim capama grebala po asfaltu pokušavajući doći do mačića koji je bio predmet mučenja. Pri svemu je histerično mjaukala. Bijes me je polako i hladno obuzimao. Krenuh polako naprijed sa namjerom da prekinem cijeli sadistički ritual. Aca se obraćao liku ispred sebe. "Nemaš muda proći inicjaciju, a želiš biti naš član. E ne ide to tako. Ovako se to radi, a ti kasnije imaš dovršiti mačku mlakonjo." Naglo se okrenuo spušatajući se u čučanj zabio nož do kraja u vezanog mačića i uspravio se. Mačić je samo ispustio neki čudan zvuk. Eksplodirao sam. Dok sam trčao odgurnuo sam jednoga od onih kretena na putu sa leđa. Odletio je i pao svom duljinom na lice. Uletio sam u Acu. Bilo mi je svejedno da li me Škot i Strela prate samo sam želio Acinu krv, na meni, na asfaltu, na njegovoj glupoj faci. Bio je iznenađen i za čudo pružio je slab otpor. Dok sam ga štemao samo je dva puta uspio izbaciti "Bambi". Sklupčao se na asfaltu dok sam ga udarao nogom. Osjetih da me netko vuče za rame. "Bambi dosta, ubićeš ga i odgovarati kao za čovjeka." Strela me čvrsto uhvatio za ramena sa leđa i odgurnuo od Ace. Polako sam dolazio sebi. Još četvorica su bila na zemlji. Očigledno Škot i Strela nisu puno oklijevali. Škot je prišao mačiću i izvukao nož. Odmahnuo je glavom potom prišao vratima garaže i oslobodio mačku u dva poteza noža. Nije se mogla osoviti na noge. Strela je prišao i pokupio je u naručje pazeći na ozljedu sa strane. Dvojica od Acine bande su se polako uspravljala zbunjeno gledajući. Škot je pritrčao i jednom uputio udarac nogom u zadnjicu tijekom ustajanja. Pao je ponovno. Drugi je otrčao ne okrečući se. Prišao sam Aci koji se polako uspravio i uhvatio ga za revere traper košulje. Podigao sam ga koliko mi je to snaga dopuštala. "Slijedeći put kada te uhvatimo u našem kraju mrtav si. Nadam se da je to jasno." Odgurnuo sam ga od sebe. Zateturao je i okrenuo se nespretno. Ona preostala trojica su već bila na nogama. Aca se polako zaputio dalje od nas ne osvrčući se kao da je imao strah ako pogleda unazad da će nas to razljutiti. Ostatak bande je bez riječi krenuo za njim. Strela je prišao polako meni i Škotu, držeći mačku u naručju. Pokazao je glavom ka mački. "Imamo li dovoljno love da je odpeljamo u poljoprivrednu stanicu veterinaru?" Slegoh ramenima. "Iskeširat ćemo koliko imamo ostalo neka napišu meni na dug, jedan poznanik mi pohađa srednju veterinarsku i trenutno ima tamo praksu." Mačku smo kasnije udomili kod Streline tetke. Kasnije se ista hvalila da je ta maca dobar lovac i super frend sa kojim može uvijek pričati, bolje nego sa mužem. Posložio sam sve u glavi, Strela je javio da je doma i da je sve izgladio. Nazvao sam moje i otrpio deset minuta prebacivanja i ispitivanja. Slagao sam da imam nekakav poslić pa ostajem još malo. Međutim nisam imao mira. Mislio sam na Strelu koji je sada sam, a Aca Psina je čekao obračun. Mislio sam o Jovi pjesniku kojeg je Aca pretukao. Ovdje jednostavno nisam imao više što raditi. Sa druge strane nije mi se napuštalo Petru i Bosu. Nije mi se niti vraćalo doma. Moji su mi ispričali da je bila Škotova mama u posjetu i za sve što se dogodilo njenom sinu jedincu optužila mene. Da ja nisam odveo njezino dobro dijete kod te kurve u njemačku sve bi bilo u redu. Pogledah na sat. Bilo je prošlo četiri sata. Mozgao sam dulje od sata. Priđoh hladnjaku i natočih sok u čašu. Pokupio sam čašu i cigarete i smjestio se u dnevnom boravku. Dohvatih daljinski i uključih TV. Na programu je bio neki kaubojac. Bilo je smiješno gledati Clint Eastwooda kako govori njemački. Ipak je to bio dovoljno dobar film da mi skrene pažnju. Nakon dva sata i još dvije čaše soka počela je neka komedija u jutarnjem programu. Sat na televizoru prije početka filma je prikazao 6 i 45. Polako se digoh i odšetah do kuhinje. Ubacio sam filter i kavu u automat i uključio ga. Dok sam točio kavu u šalicu dodao sam šećer. Prvi gutljaj je bio dobar. Telefon je iznenada zazvonio. Nisam imao običaj podizati slušalicu kada su cure doma ali bilo je rano i nisam ih želio buditi. Na moje halo začuo sam Škotov glas. "Halo Đoni vidim da si budan. Moramo se naći i razgovarati." Zvučao je živčano i čudno. "Koji je problem Škot?" "Kada se vidimo." "Gdje želiš da se vidimo?" "Onaj parking na jezeru gdje smo bili na večeri sa onim njemcima, za jedan sat, može?" "Za sat i pol to je meni malo dalje. Veza se prekinula. Nije mi zvučao kao Škot bilo je to neko drugo izdanje. Pogledah po dnevnom boravku razmišljajući gdje su one jeftine traperice koje sam nakon tuče kupio. Zapazih na naslonu fotelje prebačene crne kožne traperice koje mi je jućer sa neke rasprodaje moto opreme donijela Petra. Onaj remen koji mi je kupila prvi put već je bio u njima. Sjetih se da sam trapke morao odmah isprobati kako bi cure vidjele da mi dobro stoje. Dohvatih ih i navukoh. Potom sam potražio čizme. Dok sam se oblačio popio sam ostatak kave iz šalice. Dohvatio sam kacigu i krenuo prema vratima. Cure se bude oko devet malo neizvjesnosti gdje sam im neće škoditi, a bolje da ih ne budim. Škota sam lako uočio na parkingu. Stao sam par metara od njega i ugasio motor. Stajao je u crnoj kožnoj jakni i kožnim hlačama. Crni Kawasaki "Vulcan 400" je bio parkiran iza njega. Drugi motor na parkingu nisam uočio. Polako sam okačio kacigu na upravljač svog MZ-a i okrenuo se ka Škotu. "Tvoj motor?" Mahnuo sam glavom prema kawasaki-ju. Klimuo je glavom. "Moj, vjenčani dar od Goge." "Lijepa makina. Nadam se da si sretan?" Odmahnuo je glavom. "Đoni zašto ti je sve to trebalo?" Iznenađeno ga pogledah. "Što Škot?" "To sa Gogom i Strelom?" "Što Škot? Budi jasan." "Želiš reći da ti nisi rekao Streli da je najbolje da se vratite i mene odjebete? Da mu nisi rekao da je Goga kurva i da je najbolje ne mješati se?" "Od kuda ti te ideje?" "Nazvao sam Strelu i kada nije htio pričati sa mnom Goga mi je rekla da joj se javio prije polaska i ispričao sve." "Strela je rekao Gogi, da sam ja rekao da je kurva i da tebe treba zato odhebati? Da, valjda mu je bolji prijatelj od tebe i mene pa joj se povjerava. Ne budi naivan. Goga igra opet neku svoju igru." "Ne seri Đoni ti si igrao svoju igru." U meni je počeo ključati bijes. "Koju igru Škot? Možda samo to što ti nisam rekao sve što sam doznao o Gogi?" "Možda samo to što si je pokušao ucijeniti bijednim metodama kako bi dobio pičke?" Ovo je izbacio ljut i nabrijan. Prišao je jedan korak bliže i izvadio nešto iz džepa. Gurnuo je neke slike prema meni. "Đoni što ti je ovo trebalo, bijedna fotomontaža vidi se i time si je pokušao ucijeniti da ti da pičke, kada već nije bila voljna sama to učiniti?" Posegoh za slikama koje mi je pružio. Bile su tri. Pažljivo ih pogledah. Bile su iste tri slike koje sam dao Gogi ali na ovima je bio jasno vidljiv trag rezanja i spajanja i nisu bile polaroid već obične slike. Bilo je jasno da su originalne slike izrezane položene na podlogu i slikane širokokutnim aparatom. Tako su dobivene tri slike koje su izgledale kao fotomontaža likova i djela. Tko li je ovo odradio za kuju. Sama nije bila dovoljno sposobna za tako nešto. Bio sam bijesan. "Škot ovo je montaža ali ja nemam ništa sa tim. Uostalom što ti je rekla Goga da razjasnimo detalje pa možemo dalje." "Rekla mi je da si došao sa ovim slikama i pokušao me ucijeniti za seks i da me napusti, kako bih se vratio doma." Odmahnuh glavom. "Slušaj prijatelji smo od djetinjstva ja ne bih tebi, naglašavam tebi, uradio ništa slično tome što ti je rekla. Da dao sam joj slike ali ne ove koje mi podmećeš. Originalne slike su bile polaroid slike, a ne obične. Ujedno kada smo već na tome želim ti reći ponešto o Gogi, ono što su mi Bosa i ....." Bijesno je podigao ruku. "Ono što su ti lezbače ljute što im nije dala pi..%..u ispričale, ista pašta mozga kao i tvoj, gdje vam je ponos što mislite ako su je maltretirali u djetinjstvu da je svi imate pravo iskoristiti?" Pred kraj je skoro vikao. Pobjesnio sam. Bilo mi je dosta Goge i njenih igrica. "Škot kao prvo ne zovi Bosu i Petru lezbačama. To je njihova i moja stvar ti se nemaš što miješati. Kao drugo Goga je manipulator teški manipulator i slušajući tebe sada mislim pokvarena kurvetina koja pi..%..u daje sami iz int...." Udario me je u pleksus, kratkim snažnim udarcem odozdo. Presavio sam se na dolje. Uputio mi je još jedan udarac odozdo ravno u vilicu. Pao sam. Ležao sam na asfaltu pokušavajući doći do daha i razbistriti glavu. Kada sam se napokon digao stajao je par koraka od mene u raskoraku i gardu. Očigledno je čekao da ga napadnem. Stresoh malo glavom da dođem sebi. Osjetio sam krv u ustima. Progutao sam i pogledao ga. Djelovao je nabrijan. Gledao sam ga u oči. To više nije bio Škot. Upitah se što je njega mučilo u životu. Koju slabost je Goga otkrila u njemu, čime ga je uhvatila u mrežu u seksualnom dijelu. Shvatih da mi nije bitno. Dok sam ga gledao u oči polako progovorih. "Škot žao mi je." Okrenuo sam se i prišao motoru. Dok sam stavljao kacigu ponovo sam progutao krv. Zajahao sam motor. Pogledao sam u njegovom pravcu. Spustio je ruke i gledao me. "Đoni stani možemo ..." Pogledao sam ga i startao motor. Tada sam ga vidio posljednji put. Dok sam vozio često bih progutao krv. Skužih da nešto nije u redu. Vjerojatno sam dobro razrezao unutarnjost usne o zube kada me udario. Bosa i Petra su pile kavu kada sam ušao. Frka je nastala kada su zamjetile krvavu maramicu koju sam naslanjao na usne. Sat vremena kasnije Suzi se pojavila u stanu. Spustila je torbu na stolić u dnevnom boravku. Pogledala me. "Šećeru do kada ću ja ovdje dolaziti u svako doba dana i noći radi tvojih tuča?" Slegoh ramenima. "Nisam se tukao tukli su mene." Usna mi je već bila natečena pa je to sve smiješno zvučalo. Pljesnula me po ramenu. "Znam Petra mi sve ispričala, nokautirao te onaj tvoj blesavi prijatelj radi one ludače Goge. Sada zini da pogledam." Par minuta kasnije je odrezala kraj kirurškog konca i spakirala iglu. "Šećeru dobro te mlatnuo. Budi miran ovo ti zaraste za pet šest dana tada izvadimo konce. Pustit ću ti nešto protiv bolova." Izvadila je neku kutijicu iz torbe i pustila je na stolu. Okrenula se prema meni. "Horst mi je sve ispričao, dobar potez si napravio i kako sam skužila sada si platio za to. E pa na žalost u životu je često tako ovo ti je inicijacija, na dobro djelo koje učiniš moraš biti spreman i na jedno loše prema sebi, valjda je to ravnoteža." Pogladila me po obrazu. "Budi dobar i miruj malo, ako ne budeš dobar ponovo ću ti pokazati cice." Sve tri su se počele smijati. Sve tri su se počele smijati. Polako sam podigao čašu i liznuo malo pića. Odlučih ne ići do kraja i slušati njena mišljenja o svemu što se dogodilo. Želio sam postaviti još neka pitanja i to mi je jedino bilo važno, što Goga misli o svemu, njen problem. "Goga zašto si napravila sve ono, mislim Škota si imala nije ti trebala manipulacija sa nama?" Šutila je par sekundi okrečući čašu u ruci. Potom me pogledala. "Škot je bio čovjek kakvog sam željela imati. Lijep, zgodan, pažljiv, obrazovan i iz ugledne obitelji u starom kraju. Mislim da sam uvijek bila sama. On je tu samoću ispunio. Više nije bilo praznog stana u koji se vraćam ili likova koji su sa mnom samo radi seksa pa trče ženi ili za svojim poslom, likova koji me posjete vikendom i uz put. I najvažnije u meni je gledao osobu, bez osude ili onoga da uživa u onome što mu pružam u seksu ali me uz to i prezire radi toga, odnosno smatra manje vrijednom. Puno vas muškaraca želi ženu koja je spremna na sve u seksu ali kada dobiju takvu smatrate je kurvom radi toga. Najrađe bi ste jednu čednu ženicu za doma i jednu kurvu za ljubavnicu da vam pruži ugodne trenutke i odjebe nakon toga. Vi odnosno ti, to je bila prijetnja. Uvijek je dosta pričao o zajedničkim stvarima koje ste napravili i dosta o tebi. Puno toga je završavao sa "taj moj Đoni je doista lud, samo njemu takvo nešto može pasti na pamet". Pazi "taj moj Đoni" ili "moj flegmatični Strela". Đoni nisam željela riskirati, željela sam ga za sebe i nikoga više. U starom kraju Škotova mama je frkala nos i okretala glavu kada bih prošla pored nje. Iz očiju joj se vidjelo da prezire Gogu kurvu, čaknutu Gogu. Bilo me strah da je dovoljno samo jedno vaše mišljenje neki trač iz starog kraja i da potrči za vama, nazad doma ili nekuda dalje kamo ga tvoje lude ideje odvedu. Ništa osobno Đoni, dapače uvijek si mi bio u lijepom sjećanju ali nikada nisi bio muškarac kojeg bi poželjela imati. Ti si samo svoj, ne mislim egoist već luđak sa svojim idejama koje slijediš." Otpila je gutljaj iz čaše. Pogledao sam je zbunjeno. "Goga da li si voljela Škota?" Gledala je u čašu, nakon nekog vremena je progovorila. "Ako misliš da li sam osjećala leptiriće u trbuhu kada bi pomislila na njega ili da li sam vlažila ulazeći u stan radi pomisli da će me zagrliti poljubiti i baciti na krevet, odgovor je ne. Bilo mi je ugodno znati da me čeka doma. On je čovjek kakvog sam željela i bila sam mu dobra žena. Bio je to dobar život sa njim, bile su to dobre godine provedene zajedno. Jedino me mučilo njegovo mučenje samog sebe radi vas dvojice. Mislim nije stalno to spominjao ali ponekada u društvu bi neku od svojih priča završavao sa "ona moja dva luđaka i ja smo tu glupost napravili". Jednostavno nikada nije mogao prihvatiti da ste vas dvojica odbacili njega, a ja sam osjećala grickanje u trbuhu radi toga." Spustila je čašu na stol i pogledala me. Razmišljao sam da otvorim onu bočicu sa whiskey-jem, na neki način sam želio popiti ali mi se više nije ni pilo. "Goga da li si ti ikoga u svom životu voljela?" Nasmijala se. "O da Dejana. Njega sam stvarno voljela. Bila sam spremna biti njegova robinja i slijediti ga do kraja kamo god želi ali me taj gad izdao. Nije imao hrabrosti niti prdnuti, a kamo li se usprotiviti kada su došli po mene. Barem da je rekao "volim je pustite je". Čak niti to. Samo se složio sa svim gadostima koje je izrekao moj tata i dopustio da me odvedu. Škot, kako ga ti još uvijek zoveš, to nikada ne bi učinio. Zakucao bi vrata, uzeo bilo koje oružije u ruku borio se šakama ali ne bi dopustio da me tek tako odvedu." Osjetih neki umor. Polako sam se počeo mučiti ovim razgovorom ipak sam nakon svega što sam čuo želio znati odgovore do kraja. "Goga puno puta sam i sumnjao da te otac uopće silovao. Sa druge strane puno puta u razmišljanjima o svemu što se dogodilo našao sam razlog za tvoje ponašanje u tome što te otac silovao. Mislim osuđivao sam ga što te sjebao." Odmahnula je glavom. "Ne nije me on sjebao. Silovao me ali me nije sjebao. Na početku se navikneš na to što ti radi. Prihvatiš to. Kada su žešće proradili hormoni bilo je čak i dobro. Pogotovu kada skužiš kako iskoristiti njegove želje i preuzeti kontrolu u svoju korist. Samo je bio bolesno ljubomoran. Mlatio je i mamu i mene iz izmišljenih razloga ljubomore, da nije bilo toga možda bih čak i ostala. Puno puta sam spakirala stvari i mislila otići ali nisam imala hrabrosti. Gledala bih kroz prozor i ostala u sobi. Tada se pojavila Bosa. Bila je ljudski topla i ugodna. Ponudila je pomoć. Unatoč tome što sam sve pripremila par puta još nisam imala hrabrosti iskočiti kroz prozor. Gledala bih vani i molila boga za pomoć ili da budem dovoljno hrabra da iskočim. Tada si naišao ti. Bambi koji plače zato što su Bambiju u crtiću ubili mamu ili Đoni koji je sa dva prijatelja razbio šest psihopata koji su mučili mačku i mačića, o tome je pričao cijeli kraj. To za mačku sam čula više puta i kada sam te vidjela znala sam da mi je pružena šansa. Niste napustili mačku u nevolji, nećete ni mene. Nisam se prevarila." Iznenada se digla i otišla u sobu, vratila se sa velikim ženskim novčanikom u ruci. Sjela je i izvadila neki ključ od auta ili motora iz novčanika. Podigla ga je prema meni. "Ovo je ključ od Škotovog zadnjeg motora, onog koji je još uvijek u garaži Kawasaki VN 800. Redovito sam plaćala održavanje, da ga startaju, provozaju, registriraju. Uvijek sam mislila da ću ga prodati pred početak slijedeće sezone kada cijene budu više. Samo do sada nikada ga nisam mogla prodati. Sada mi je jasno zašto. Ne mogu ga prodati mogu ga samo pokloniti nekome za koga bi i Škotu bilo drago da ga poklonim." Polako je spustila ključ na stol između nas i gurnula ga prema meni. Dok sam gledao u ključ na stolu preturala je po novčaniku i izvadila dvije kartice. "Motor je u garaži, jedna vizitka je moja, a druga od mog odvjetnika. Jednostavno ga nazovi kada stigneš i on će odraditi sve sa papirima za motor." Promatrao sam ključ i vizitke na stolu. Polako odmahnuh glavom. "Goga ne navlači me. Znam da si manipulator i ne navlači me na led, neću se uhvatiti." Pogledala me hladno. "Đoni ne navlačim te, niti pokušavam manipulirati sa tobom. Učini mi uslugu i uzmi to, ne manipuliram sa tobom. Manipulator ne može lako manipulirati drugim manipulatorom, čak i kada je u pitanju nesvjesni manipulator." Pogledao sam je začuđeno. ZATVORITI KRUG Polako sam otvorio vrata i ušao. Pogledao sam po lokalu. "Kod Benny Hilla" je bio skoro prazan, nije bilo ni čudo za pet sati poslije podne. Za stolom u kutu su sjedile tri mlađe cure i pričale uz coca colu, povremeno bacajući pogled na tv gdje se vrtio novi video album Bronski Beat-sa. Marko je stajao za šankom i pisao nešto u neku knjigu. Polako sam prišao šanku i ubacio se na barsku stolicu. Pogledao me iznenađeno. "Đoni, kada si se vratio." Nasmiješih se. "Upravo sada sam sa ceste. Nije mi se išlo odmah doma pa sam navratio na jednu." Nasmiješio se. "Izgledaš tako, prljav sa mirisom benze na sebi." Položio je veliku čašicu za konjak ispred mene i natočio je. "Ovo je na račun kuće. Djeluješ umorno, koliko si bio na cesti?" "Tri dana. Noćas sam na nekoj benzinskoj prije Zagreba bacio par kartona pored motora i zavukao se u vreću. Oko tri sata dođu dva milkana, pregledaju me i potjeraju dalje. Navodno nema neprijavljenog spavanja. To što je brdo gast arbeiter-a spavalo po autima na parkingu bolio ih ku..$..c. Poslije mi se nije spavalo pa sam vozio do kraja." Odmahnuo je glavom. "Znam to. Dođu i uzmu isprave od prvog stopera ili motoriste koji spavaju, potjeraju nas, zapišu to u izvješće i odu negdje piti na račun kuće. Bitno je da su nekoga upozorili poslije mogu i spavati." Ispraznio sam čašu u dva gutljaja. Odmjerio me i natočio novu. Potom dohvatio još jednu čašu i napunio je sa lozom. Podigao je čašu prema meni. Nazdravih ali otpih samo mali gutljaj, Marko je svoju ispraznio do pola. Izvadio sam cigaretu i bacio kutiju prema njemu. Uhvatio je i pogledao. ""Gitanes" te sam kurio dok smo stopirali po francuskoj." Izvadio je cigaretu i zapalio je mojim ZIPPO-m. Povukao je dugi dim i nije se nakašljao. Dok je polako ispuštao dim cigarete pogledao me. "Kako je bilo? Djeluješ malo drukčiji." Klimnuh glavom. "Mislim da i jesam drukčiji, mislim da sam se malo promijenio." Nasmiješio se malo. "Putovanja mijenjaju ljude i ja sam dosta toga naučio na cesti." Otpio je iz čašice. Ja isto otpih mali gutljaj. "Marko što ima novog? Je se što zanimljivo dogodilo dok sam bio odsutan." Klimnuo je glavom. "Jedino što bi tebi bilo zanimljivo je da se Dok vratio iz zatvora, a Smrda iz bolnice." Odmahnuh glavom. "Od kuda ti to da mene to zanima, ne pačam se u priče Zemunskog podzemlja, znaš imam namjeru proživjeti malo dulje i bez problema." Nasmiješio se. "Polako doći ćemo do toga. Znači dvojica glavnih se vrate iznenada i mafija ponovno ima šefa i savjetnika. Normalno prvo što su uradili je da su išli zavesti reda na svom teritoriju. To je značilo tko god se od sitnijih ribica usudio zaći na teritorij morskih pasa sa namjerom preuzeti posao, najebao je. Tako su uhvatili šefa i još četvoricu od Acinih "Kajmana" na svom teritoriju i ubili boga u njima. Normalno da se cijela Acina ekipa raspala nakon toga. Nitko nije želio imati posla sa pravim mafijašima samo zato što se igrao "opasnih mafijaša". Tako je Aca Psina ostao sam samo sa onim malim debelim kojeg si ovdje upoznao." Ovo je zvučalo dobro. Pogledah ga povlačeći dim iz cigarete. "Što je sada sa Acom i kako znaš da me to zanima?" "Aca se negdje skriva. Računa na ono, kako je bio samo zamjenik glavnog u Kajmanima, da se Dok i Smrda neće baš puno baviti sa njim. Ako prođe neko vrijeme nevidljiv zaboravit će na njega kao problematičnog. Poslije može slobodno u javnost. Što se tiče kako znam da te zanima, Strela je bio ovdje dva puta od kada se vratio. Saznao sam cijelu priču kao i to da Strela prati gdje se Aca kreće i čeka tebe da se vratiš. Đoni mislim da vam to više nije bitno. Pustite budalu da nađe svoju sudbinu." Slegoh ramenima. "Vidjet ćemo što dalje, tko ti je dostavio ovu priču o tome da su najebali skoro svi iz Kajmana?" "Nakon one situacije ovdje Čerkez je držao jedno oko na Aci. Znaš ujedno da on prati i situaciju u podzemlju radi svog redarskog posla. Tako mi ispričao sve novosti." Klimnuh glavom gaseći cigaretu. Ovo je znači sigurno bila istina. Čerkez nikada nije bio neozbiljan i uvijek je bio dobro upućen što se događa na rubu i izvan zakona. Acini Kajmani više ne postoje, to je dobro zvučalo. Polako ugasih čik do kraja u pepeljari i ispih onu čašicu. Polako sam ustao sa stolice. "Marko što sam skrivio za ovo drugo piće?" Odmahnuo je rukom. "Ništa Đoni sve na račun kuće, možeš još jedno?" Odmahnuh glavom. "Hvala ti ali pao bih pod šank od trećeg, idem doma odmoriti se i malo složiti sve dojmove. Nasmiješio se i mahnuo rukom potom ponovo dohvatio onu knjigu. Sjetih se da se uvijek žalio na one iz "Uprave prihoda" koji su ga "derali porezima". U biti mislim da je samo mrzio voditi knjige. Parkirao sam u dvorištu pokupio torbe i ušao u kuću. Moji su pali u euforiju zadovoljstva. Vratio sam se u jednom komadu bez policijske pratnje. Odgovorio sam samo na par osnovnih pitanja ali sam saznao da je Škotova mama bila ovdje i optužila ih "da je njihov sin odvukao njezinog jedinca u njemačku te ga bacio u ruke kurvama koje su ga iskvarile i zadržale i to toliko da je raskinuo sa onom finom curom Ljiljom". Mama je donekle držala "žensku stranu" ali stari je samo šutio. Njemu je izgleda bilo bitno da smo svi živi i zdravi. Izvukoh se da sam umoran i zavukoh u svoju sobu. Malo kasnije kada je teritorij kuhinje postao slobodan skuhao sam si čaj od mente i vratio se u sobu. Uključio sam stari receiver i našao neku radio postaju sa rock i pop glazbom. Opuštajući se otpio sam gutljaj čaja i počeo prazniti džepove jakne. Dosta je vonjala po znoju od ova zadnja tri dana i imao sam namjeru da je prevrnem i pustim na propuhu. Posložio sam sadržaj bočnih džepova na stol. Cigarete, upaljač, nož skakavac i suzavac u spreju. Iz gornjeg lijevog džepa sam izvadio 120 njemačkih maraka i bacio ih na stol. To je bilo sve što mi je ostalo. Poslužit će privremeno dok se ne snađem za neku lovu. Posegoh u gornji desni džep i napipah kuvertu. Tu kuvertu vjerojatno sa pismom mi je dala Bosa u onoj hladnoći jutra, kada sam kretao na put. Položih kuvertu na stol promatrajući je. Bosa je rekla da je ne otvaram prije večeri ali sam bio u nekom čudnom raspoloženju. Vozio sam slijedeći bijelu crtu na auto cesti i trudeći se samo održati putnu brzinu negdje oko brojke 100. Nisam baš bio puno svjestan okolice koju sam prolazio. Vozio sam satima sa malim pauzama za cigaretu i tankanje benzina. Tek kada me umor počeo rušiti sa nogu našao sam skrovito mjesto iza skladišta neke benzinske. Umotao sam se u vreću za spavanje ali je bilo previše mračno da se čita. Odložio sam to do jutra i zaboravio na pismo. Prevrnuo sam jaknu naopako i objesio je pored otvorenog prozora. Sjeo sam za stol i zapalio cigaretu. Otpio sam još jedan gutljaj čaja. Iz zvučnika je dopirala glazba Dire Straits - Brothers in arms. Prisjetio sam se tog jutra. Stajali smo pored motora. Bosa mi je dala jedan dugi poljubac i pogladila me po kosi. Petra me samo dugo grlila potom odgurnula i nestala iza ulaznih vrata. Prethodne večeri su ponudile da ostanem. Nastojao sam pažljivo objasniti da me čeka obveza prema domovini u vidu odsluženja roka u JNA, tek nakon toga sam slobodan. Bosa je klimnula glavom ali Petra na neki čudni način to nije prihvaćala. Zakopčao sam jaknu do kraja,dohvatio kacigu i pogledao Bosu. "Ciao, vidimo se još." Dugo me gledala potom mahnula rukom spustila glavu i krenula prema ulaznim vratima. Navukao sam kacigu i zajahao motor. Okrenuh se prema ulaznim vratima. Bosa je jednom rukom držala vrata, a drugom mi mahala. "Sretno Đoni." Mahnuh joj. Sekundu kasnije je nestala iza vrata. Bilo mi je čudno da me oslovila sa Đoni, za nju sam uvijek bio Bambi. Startao sam i krenuo. Nisam niti pomišljao da je tada vidim zadnji put u životu. Sada sam polako gledao u kuvertu. Posegao sam za skakavcem i otvorio ga pritiskom na gumb uz ono klasično klik. Polako sam nožem otvorio kuvertu. Probudilo me sunce. Nevoljno sam otvorio oči i pogledao po sobi. Stvari i torbe su ležale po podu onako kako sam ih pustio sinoć. Jedva sam smogao snage da se istuširam i zavučem u krevet. Polako sam se izvukao ispod pokrivača i potražio japanke ispod kreveta. Spavao sam samo u gaćama. Dohvatih sa stolice kožne traperice i zaputih se u kupaonu. Uz put sam pogledao sat. Bilo je prošlo deset, znači spavao sam više od dvanaest sati. Osjećao sam se odmorno. Dok sam kuhao kavu uživao sam u samoći. Moji su bili na poslu, a to je značilo da me nitko neće gnjaviti sa dodatnim pitanjima i komentarima. Polako sam dosuo mlijeko u šalicu i zaputio se prema sobi pazeći da ne prospem sadržaj. Spustio sam šalicu na radni stol udobno se smjestio i zapalio cigaretu. Prvi gutljaj kave mi je pasao. Zamijetih kuvertu sa Bosinim pismom na stolu. Sinoć sam ga pročitao i pustio za jutro kada budem u boljem izdanju. Polako otvorih kovertu i izvadih papir. Valjda će mi sada biti jasnije. Željele smo da budeš daleko kada počneš čitati kako ne bi djelovalo da te molimo ili nagovaramo da ostaneš. Nisam spretna sa riječima već sa šivanjem ali pokušat ću da ti objasnim. Najjednostavnije rečeno za ovo vrijeme koje smo proveli zajedno postao si dio naše cjeline. Naš odnos se nije promijenio naša zajednica se nije promijenila samo si ti ušao u nju i stvorili smo svo troje neki drugi odnos. Bilo bi lijepo da tako ostane, samo ti sam moraš pronaći put, ako se nakon vojske odlučiš bilo bi dobro za sve da dođeš, da provedemo još neko vrijeme zajedno i odlučiš ostaješ li ili ne. Pročitao sam pismo dva puta. Polako sam ga zgužvao i bacio u košaru za smeće ispod stola. Nisam očekivao da će predlagati bilo što. Nitko nije ništa obećao ili indirektno dao do znanja. Barem ja nisam. Povukao sam dim iz cigarete i otpio još gutljaj kave. Zaključih da ipak dugujem curama. Nakon svih gluposti i pizdarija koje sam napravio brinule su se o meni i rješavale posljedice koliko se dalo riješiti. Stvarno su me primile u svoj život. Bilo što mogu odlučiti nakon vojske do tada je bilo puno vremena, tko živ tko mrtav. Ipak moram im se javiti tek toliko da sam stigao doma u komadu i razmijenim par ljubaznih riječi. Toliko im dugujem. Ugasio sam cigaretu i dohvatio telefon pored kreveta pazeći na žicu improvizirano spojenu na kraj telefonskog kabela. Okrenuo sam broj. Nitko se nije javljao. Vjerojatno cure nisu doma. Javit ću se kasnije poslije podne, sada imam druge poslove za obaviti. Polako počeh okretati Strelin broj telefona. Jovu sam zamijetio čim sam ušao u dvorište. Stajao je ispred svoje kućice odnosno bivšeg drvarnika i prao ruke u nekom starom lavoru na prastaroj žičanoj konstrukciji kakve su se koristile za lavore prije drugog svjetskog rata kada je tekuća voda bila luksuz koji nije dostupan svakome. Na sebi je imao rasparene plastične natikače, štofane hlače i potkošulju. Samo nešto nije bilo uobičajeno. Prostor ispred kuće je bio popločan različitim ostacima cigle, vjerojatno pokupljenim sa različitih gradilišta. Na tome je stajao neki stari popravljeni stol i dvije stolice. Po rubovima popločanog prostora bilo je postavljeno par većih limenki sa posađenim cvijećem. Drva pored kućice, koja je Jova skupljao po Dunavu tijekom ljeta za zimsko grijanje, bila su ispiljena i uredno posložena. Dohvatio je ručnik sa žičane konstrukcije i počeo brisati ruke, tada me zamijetio. Raširio je usne u osmjeh. "Đoni, Đoni znao sam ja da ćeš ti doći kada budeš tu." Nasmiješih se pružajući mu najlon vrećicu sa vinom i narančama. "Jovo čuo sam da si bolestan pa sam te došao obići." Dohvatio je vrećicu i zavirio u nju, usta su mu se razvukla u radostan dječji osmjeh. Okrenuo se od mene i prišao otvorenim vratima. "Cvjetiću, Cvjetiću dođi došao je Đoni da me obiđe i donio nam naranče i vino. Rekao sam ti da imam super prijatelje i da će doći." Mislio sam da se raduje narančama, radi cijene sigurno mu nisu bile često dostupne, međutim bio sam u krivu. Očigledno se radovao što nekome može pokazati da ima prijatelja koji ga obilazi. Cvjetić se pojavio na vratima. Bila je sigurno za glavu viša od Jove i desetak godina starija. Punija sa tankim nogama. Nosila je plastične natikače cicanu suknju do koljena i mušku potkošulju. Ispod potkošulje su se vidjele naramenice grudnjaka. Lice joj je bilo više muško sa rijetkim dlačicama brčića ispod nosa. Kritički me odmjeravala. Potom malo klimnula glavom. "Vi ste taj Đoni?" "Da gospođo, drago mi je." Usne su joj se razvukle u škrti smiješak. Vjerojatno joj je pasalo što sam je oslovio sa gospođo. "Ja sam Mileva. Sjedite može jedna rakija?" Klimnuo sam glavom i sjeo za stol. Uzela je vrećicu od Jove i nestala iza vrata. Jova se sretno smjestio na stolicu preko puta mene. Izgledao je neobično sretan što sam ga posjetio pred Cvjetićem. Pogledao sam ga upitno. Zbunjeno se nasmiješio. "Znaš Đoni sreo sam je u bolnici dok sam ležao, ona čisti tamo. Pomogao sam joj oko smeća i tako smo se upoznali. Njoj se moje pjesme sviđaju." Cvjetić se vratio sa bocom od piva i dvije čašice. Čašice su bile različite ali su bile čašice za rakiju. Natočila je i vratila bocu na stol. Pogledala me ozbiljno. "Jova smije popiti samo dvije čašice, nakon toga ga uhvati." Klimnuh joj glavom da sam shvatio poruku "ti popij ali on ne smije". Pogledala me ljubazno. "Ja spremam ribu. Jova je bio na Dunavu i donio dosta onih sitnih ribica. Ako hoćete mogu skuhati kavu." Odmahnuh glavom. "Hvala ali već sam popio." Cvjetić je nestao iza vrata. Nazdravio sam Jovi i otpio malo iz čašice. Bila je to neka šećeruša za progorijeti trbuh. Jova je zadovoljno otpio pola svoje. Nasmijao se. "Znaš ona se brine o meni. I voli kada joj čitam pjesme." Pogledao sam ga. "Jovo čujem da si imao problema sa Acom dok me nije bilo. Žao mi je što si radi mene upao u frku." Zbunjeno se nasmiješio i pipnuo po glavi. "Znaš Đoni nisi ti kriv. Ja sam kriv. Nisam vidio da je Aca ušao u "Ciganski raj". Znaš onda kada ste se htjeli tući ja sam javio tvojima za tebe, malo sam se strašio i stajao kod govornice ali odlučio sam da se vratim i vidim što još mogu. Kada sam došao, vi ste već bili otišli ali je Čerkez izbacio onog Acinog malog debelog nogom u guzicu sa vrata, Aca je izašao sav rasčupan i plav oko oka. To je bilo smiješno jako smiješno." Otpio je još gutljaj rakije. "Pričao sam taj smiješni događaj u "Ciganskom raju" i ušao je Aca, ja ga nisam vidio. Prišao je i udario me. Ma nije puno samo dva puta Đoni. Ništa strašno." Prekinuh ga. "Ništa strašno samo si završio u bolnici sa par šavova na glavi." Pipnuo se po glavi. "Samo tri Đoni i već su ih izvadili ali tamo sam je upoznao. Isplatilo se." Ispio sam ostatak iz čašice do kraja i nasuo Jovi novu čašicu. Dok je pio sitnim gutljajima ustao sam i potapšao ga po ramenu. "Jovo ne brini Aca je naš problem, više te neće smjeti dirati. Sada idem Jovo čeka me posao." Polako sam ustao i viknu "do viđenja" prema vratima. Cvjetić se nakratko pojavio i mahnuo mi rukom u drugoj je držala kuhaču, iz prostorije je dopirao ugodni miris pržene ribe. Jova je krenuo za mnom, da me isprati do vrata. Kada sam mu pružio ruku, zbunjeno je upitao. "Đoni priča se da vas je Škot napustio, da je ostao tamo sa nekom narkomankom i da si ti kriv za sve?" Zbunjeno sam ga pogledao. Stvarno je pokupio ulične tračeve. Ipak klimnuh glavom. "Je Jovo, Škot nas je napustio samo nije ostao sa narkomankom. Mislim da je to fina gospođa i da će mu biti dobro, znaš je Goga." Gledao me zbunjeno otvorenih usta. Kada je progovorio samo je treptao. "Ako nađeš nekoga koga ti voliš onda ti je dobro." Potapšah ga po ramenu i okrenuh se. Dok sam startao motor razmišljao sam o tome što je Strela pokupio od vijesti. Rekao je da me čeka kod Benny-ja. Kuća je bila niska stara i obrasla puzavicama. Pored kuće su bili garaža i dio visokog polu srušenog zida. Ulaz u garažu i zid su bili u obliku slova L. U produžetku kuće je počinjala ograda neke društvene firme koja se bavila otpadom, sudeći po mirisima, svih vrsta. Iza ograde dosta udaljena od nje, je bila zgrada skladišta. Svijetlo od kućice noćnog čuvara se samo naziralo. Od ulaza u kuću pa do kamionskog ulaza u dvorište skladišta, a koji je prekidao ogradu, nalazile su se naslagane gomile starih paleta. Okolica je bila pusta, predgrađe je ovdje počinjalo. Parkirali smo motore između dvije gomile najbliže ulazu u garažu pazeći da se ne vide sa ceste. Skinuli smo jednu paletu i sjeli na nju. Strela je olovnu šipku položio na paletu pored sebe. Tama noći nas je dobro prikrivala. Zapalio sam cigaretu i povukao dim prikrivajući žar cigarete u ruci. Strela je uspio smotati cigaretu i u tami. Pružih mu moj upaljač. Povukao je dim. Klimnuh glavom prema kući. "Znači to je to." Izgovorio sam ovo tiho. "Je Đoni, vlasnica ima negdje oko šezdeset godina i dobru boračku mirovinu. Aca je u nekoj vezi sa njom. Vjerojatno je "opslužuje" i za uzvrat dobije po nešto. Sada se on i onaj mali debeli skrivaju kod nje. Ona drži staru ladu u garaži, a on parkira pored zida u kutu, tako da nitko sa ceste ne vidi njegovog fiću. Uostalom tko i dolazi u ovu vukojebinu." "Siguran si da dolazi svaku večer?" "Ma daj ne da mi se ponavljati, razmisli, u frci je nema kamo ako ide doma svi znaju gdje stanuje i ako ga Dokovi ljudi traže, čekat će ga ispred kuće. Za ovo nitko ne zna, meni je rekao Ceca Ciganin, slučajno je skužio kada je vlasnici kuće prodavao neku robu." "Mislio sam da nas Ceca ne voli, čudno da ti rekao." Polako je ugasio cigaretu petom čizme. "Nas ne voli ali Acu mrzi. Mi smo mu samo povremeno konkurencija za šverc robu sa istoka. On ionako u većini slučajeva prodaje ukradenu tehničku robu i krpice, koje njegovi šaneri pokupe iz auta gast arbaeiter-a na cesti. E Aca je to znao i pokušao da mu lupi "porez" za rad na ovom teritoriju. Mislim da je bilo frke sa Kajmanima, stvarno ih mrzi…." "Rekao ti to tek tako?" "Ne baš tek tako malo sam ga pritisnuo da priča ali kada je skužio da mi to treba radi nekog poravnanja dugova sa Acom, pričao je i da ga ništa ne pitaš. Čak mi je rekao i da je Aca sav usran pokušao kupiti pištolj od par dilera "na crno". Samo nitko mu ništa nije želio prodati, zna se da je u frci sa Dokom pa se nitko ne želi zamjerati Doku, taj ne oprašta." Vrijeme je sporo prolazilo. Polako sam zapalio drugu cigaretu. Pogledao sam ka Streli. "Strela reci mi da li te Škot zvao i da li ste pričali?" Završio je motanje cigarete na slijepo i zapalio je. Žar je skrivao držeći cigaretu okrenutu prema dlanu ruke. "Zvao je Đoni, samo nisam želio pričati sa njim." "Zašto?" Kada je povukao dim žar cigarete mu je osvijetlio lice, djelovao je zamišljen. "Jednostavno kada je nazvao Ljilju da joj kaže da je sve gotovo bio je grozan. Prvo joj je rekao da je sve gotovo i to je to, kada je ona zaplakala i pitala zašto i već znaš pozivala se na njene osjećaje i vjeru u njega, popizdio je. Doslovce je izvređao najgorim rječima. Rekao joj je da je samo krava bez mašte, koja se zna samo naguziti i čekati da ga primi, pri tome samo misleći da se uda i oteli djecu. Rekao joj je i razne druge bljuvotine. Ljilja je danima plakala kod Mire. Mira mi je sve ispričala. Kada je nazvao jednostavno nisam znao što bih mu rekao i da li bih ga uopće pitao za to sa Ljiljom ili ne, a koji ku..$..c mu na sve što se izdogađalo i imam i reći. Odbio sam razgovor." Šutio sam par sekundi povlačeći dim cigarete. "Strela to nije Škot ….. ili je to možda Škot, a mi znamo drugog Škota." "Je Đoni to je Škot samo nikada do sada nije imao priliku da se pokaže. Uvijek je imao sve bez puno truda i muke, njegovi su dobro stojeći sa dobrim plaćama, uvijek je imao najbolji motor i najbolji kompjuter sada su mu mislili nabaviti i PC. Ali mislim da je to bio Škot kakvog su njegovi roditelji željeli, a sada će se otkriti pravi Škot. Možda je to isti Škot samo treba fazu transformacije ka slobodi, ne znam." Pogledao sam nebo. Zvijezde su hladno žmirkale na nas. Vrijeme je sporo prolazilo. Strela je rekao da se Aca uvijek pojavi između osam i jedanaest. Pogledah Strelu sa strane. "Nadam se da je obavijest da Aca nije mogao nabaviti pištolj točna. U protivnom ... " "Đoni do jučer prije podne nije sigurno. Bio sam kod Domagoja u gostioni oko podneva da provjerim Cecine priče, znaš da on također prati sve. Rekao mi je da je sat vremena prije mene bio Aca i pitao za "neku utoku na crno" ako koji od kamiondžija nudi. Normalno Domagoj mu je pokazao vrata. On se ne pača u to sa oružijem, a i ono za Doka se dosta pročulo." Crni fića je polako skrenuo sa ceste i zaustavio se pored zida kod garaže. Digao sam se jednim pokretom. Strela me slijedio, uz put je dohvatio olovnu cijev. Čekali smo da izađu i zaključaju auto. Kada su napravili par koraka dalje od auta krenuli smo prema njima. Kretali smo se brzo. Zastali su iznenađeni, već smo bili par metara od njih. Usporili smo. Strela je napola podigao onu olovnu cijev krećući se prema "malom debelom". Ja sam izvadio skakavac i pritisnuo gumb. Osjetih lagani trzaj kada je oštrica "sjela" na svoje mjesto. Aca se povukao jedan korak. Mali debeli je uočio slobodan prostor između Strele i zida i potrčao. Bio je brz za svoje kilograme. Strela ga nije niti pokušao zadržati, samo se okrenuo i pratio ga pogledom par sekundi kako bi se uvjerio da doista bježi. Strela se polako okrenuo prema Aci. Aca je odstupio par koraka kako bi vratima garaže zaštitio leđa. Čuli smo trčeće korake "malog debelog" kako nestaju u daljini. Pomislih da će sigurno potući rekord na 500 metara, a možda i više. Nije ni čudo, vjerojatno je danima živio u strahu od Dokovih ljudi, a sada nije niti shvatio tko mu se približava. Aca je izvukao ručno rađeni bodež i podigao ga ispred sebe. Takve bodeže su imali svi Kajmani. Aca ih je sam tokario i oštrio. Kod prijema u bandu novi član bi dobio Kajman Bodež. Pomislih kako je to bila jadna imitacija filmova. Stupio sam korak naprijed i drugom rukom iz džepa izvadio suzavac. "Aco nešto te napuštaju dečki, čim dođe do frke?" Držao je nož ispred sebe živčano gledajući čas u Strelu čas u mene. "Samo ste mi još vi luđaci falili. Odjebite od mene pametnije je." Strela je napravio jedan korak naprijed polako podižući cijev skoro do nivoa ramena. Napravio sam jedan korak i podigao ruku sa suzavcem da se jasno vidi, nož sam držao drugom, napola podignut ispred sebe. Stajali smo i gledali se. Oni trčeći koraci nisu se više čuli. Acina glava je malo brže radila pokrete lijevo desno od mene prema Streli bilo je očigledno da puca po živcima, a to se nije smjelo dogoditi. Pokušah da mi glas zvuči normalno. "Aco nismo ovdje da bi završili Dokov posao, imaš dovoljno problema i bez nas. Spusti nož, nemaš šansi." Stajali smo u tišini. Pri slaboj svjetlosti činilo mi se da Aca gornjim zubima grize donju usnu. Napokon je polako spustio ruku sa bodežom držeći je pored sebe. "Jebem te luda Đoni, što hoćeš ti sada, bilo pa prošlo." Glas mu je zvučao slabašno. Klimnuo sam glavom. "Aco želim ti se ispričati za sve loše što sam uradio prema tebi. Žao mi je. Stvarno mi je žao što se neke stvari nisu mogle riješiti drukčije". Zastao sam. "Samo Aco ako nam još jedan put pređeš cestu na neki loš način ili pipneš Jovu pjesnika, naći ćemo te i ubiti ću te." Čekao sam da mu riječi dođu do mozga. Skoro sam mogao čuti škripu dok je pokušavao shvatiti što je čuo. Ocijenih da je shvatio dovoljno od onoga što sam rekao. "Sada Aco baci nož, kako bi se mi mogli okrenuti i otići." Činilo se jako dugo, a onda se začuo zveket metala na asfaltu. Bodež je ležao pored Acinih nogu. Polako smo se okrenuli i krenuli ka gomilama paleta. Nakon što smo se malo udaljili viknuo je. Zastao sam ne okrećući se. "Đoni, prihvatit ću tvoju ponudu samo zato što si lud, a ja sa luđacima ne želim imati posla." Začuđeno sam se počeo okretati prema njemu. O kakvoj ponudi budala priča. Ništa što je rečeno nije zvučalo kao ponuda, onda shvatih. Jednostavno je morao nešto reći tek da njegova bude zadnja. To je radio iz tko zna kojih pobuda kompleksa ili trauma iz djetinjstva. Polako mu klimnuh glavom. "Dobro Aco, drago mi je da smo sve izgladili." Ljutito se nagnuo podigao bodež i krenuo prema vratima kuće, na pola puta je zastao i pogledao nas. "Stvarno ste ludi, ludi obojica, bolje ne pričati sa vama." Okrenuo se i u par sitnih brzih koraka nestao iza vrata. Pogledah Strelu i nasmiješih se. "Shvati to kao njegov način da nam kaže "ugodnu večer želim", samo to." Strela slegnu ramenima. "Nadam se da si u pravu i da je ovo najbolji način da to riješimo sa njim. Iako sumnjam da nam neće pokušati nešto vratiti." Krenuli smo ka motorima iza paleta. "Strela možda nam i hoće pokušati vratiti ali vjerojatnije je da neće više obraćati pažnju na nas, kao da ne postojimo. Da smo ga prebili žestoko, to bi ga privremeno smirilo ali bi podiglo stupanj mržnje prema nama u njemu, a on je nabijen mržnjom. Tada bi čekao da nas kad tad stigne, kao na ravnoj cesti bez kraja, mi smo prestigli večeras njega, a on bi dodao gas i pokušao stići nas. Tako bi moglo ići u beskrajno. Mislim da smo ga ovako jednostavno pustili da se vrti u svom krugu kao hrčak ali bez nas." Slegao je ramenima navlačeći kacigu. Onda se okrenu prema meni. "Đoni, često znaš puno srati ali uvijek imaš tu neku spretnost riječima da me uvjeriš da si u pravu, a sada idemo kod Benny-ja na cugu pa doma." Startali smo motore. Strela je motao drugu cigaretu za mene. Sjedili smo kod Benny-ja dok se prije podnevno sunce probijalo kroz prozorčić i bacalo reflektorski snop na dvije kave i jedan sok sa dvije čaše ispred nas. Lokal je bio popunjen samo sa pet curica iz obližnje škole, koje su najvjerojatnije "markirale" sat nastave pa uz colu gledale video. Počekao sam da mi Strela pruži cigaretu. Polako sam zapalio i otpio gutljaj kave. "Strela što si mi želio reći?" Zapalio je svoju cigaretu i povukao jedan dugi dim. Polako ga je ispuštao kroz nos i usta. "Đoni uvijek možeš računati na mene u bilo koje doba dana i noći ali sranje je sa Mirom." Odmahnuh glavom. "Kakvo sranje? Pa nisam je niti vidio da bih joj se zamjerio? Počeo si sa njom prije polaska, od kada sam se vratio nismo niti izašli zajedno sa njom da bih joj se mogao zamjeriti." Gledao me u tišini. Potom počeo polako. "Ženska sranja i solidarnost. Ljilja je još u šoku nakon svega. Mira je normalno kao prijateljica na njenoj strani. Kako je Škotova mama tebe optužila za sve, tako je to preuzela i Ljilja, a Mira od nje. Mislim da njih dvije više mrze tebe nego Škota. Teorija je da si ti nas dvojicu odvukao u njemačku, da to nisi uradio Škot bi još bio sa Ljiljom. hebiga, ženska pamet." Udario je dlanom po stolu. Šutio sam. Vrata kafića su se otvorila i ušao je Žiža poštar. Nosio je onu poštarsku torbu preko leđa i nekoliko pisama u ruci. Zaputio se prema šanku za kojim je stajao Marko. Nadao sam se da mu ne nosi dopise od Uprave prihoda, Marko je nakon toga bio loše volje. Očigledno nisu bili dopisi od uprave prihoda. Marko je uzeo kuverte i pokazao Žiži da sjedne, a to je značilo "jednu na račun kuće". Žiža se smjestio na stolicu i prihvatio pivu nešto pričajući Marku. Okrenuh se ka Streli. "Ne kužim tu njihovu logiku i slagalicu ali ok, ne moramo se viđati u kombinaciji sa Mirom." Strela je ugasio cigaretu. "Đoni daj mi samo desetak dana ili malo više, da je malo urazumim i sve je isto kao prije. Do tada navečer izlazimo svatko za sebe. Ostalo ostaje po starom ako nešto trebaš, tu sam." Klimnuh glavom. Žiža poštar je već popio pivu i krenuo prema vratima, od jednom je stao i pogledao me. "Đoni, odlično. Ne moram sada do tvoje kuće. Imam ovdje nešto preporučeno za tebe pa potpiši." Pružio mi je kuvertu, kemijsku i povratnicu da potpišem. Potom odvojio povratnicu i pružio kuvertu, pozdravio i izašao. Već bez otvaranja sam znao što je u njoj. Polako otvorih kuvertu i izvadih dopis. Polako sam položio dopis na stol ispred sebe i Strele. Pogledah ga. "Trebam se javiti u neku vojnu poštu u Tuzli za tjedan dana, a prije toga u vojni odsjek da podignem upute i naknadu za troškove puta. Mislim da nam ovo daje dovoljno vremena ne samo da Mira već i cijeli kraj zaboravi sve moje grijehe." Strela je polako pročitao dopis, potom mahnuo prema Marku. "Mark donesi nam dva dupla konjaka i pivo, Đoni ide u vojsku." Gledao sam Marka dok je donosio piće. Pomislih kako je sve i počelo ovdje uz konjak i pivo, tako se i završilo, za mene krug je zatvoren. STVARNOST PRIVIDA Gledao sam Gogu pomalo ciničnim pogledom koji je dopuzao negdje iz odbrambenih mehanizama moje podsvijesti. "Goga želiš reći da sam ja manipulator?" Nasmiješila se sa nekim tužnim izrazom. "Jesi Đoni, samo vjerojatno dobar dio života nisi toga svjestan." Zavrtio sam čašu na stolu. "Goga ako ti je lakše možeš i tako misliti." Gledala me šutke. Nakon nekog vremena je udahnula. "Đoni manipulator ne nameće svoju volju da drugi urade ono što on želi. Manipulator nametne da drugi žele uraditi ono što on želi. To si ti radio. Đoni ja nisam Škota dovukla u Hamburg. To si ti uradio. Jednostavno si svojom pričom i ponašanjem nametnuo i njemu i Streli da požele taj put proći sa tobom. Na kraju ste došli, tri dečka iz starog kraja u kojem sam odrasla, tri dečka iz predgrađa sa idejama i pojmovima časti predgrađa. Sa tim se niste mogli snaći tamo gdje ste dospjeli. Mene je to i strašilo. Mogli ste ga uvijek odvući na vaš pojam časti, života i onoga što je ispravno. Kasnije slušajući njegove priče zaključila sam da si glavni manipulator ekipe ti. Jednostavno bi im predstavio stvari koje si ti želio uraditi tako da su oni poželjeli to uraditi." Polako sam klimnuo glavom. "Može se to i tako gledati. Znači svi u ovoj priči smo bili manipulatori i žrtve izuzev možda Bose i Petre ali one i onako nisu bitan dio ove priče." Polako sam ustao sa stolice. "Goga ja nemam više pitanja. Čudno mi je samo da ti nemaš pitanja za mene, o mom životu." Sjedila je i polako i hladnokrvno otvarala bočice sa whiskey-jem. "Sjedi Đoni, nismo još završili i Bosa i Petra su bile manipulatori samo nisu računale da se igra sa manipulatorom nekada može negativno završiti. Tebe nisam ništa pitala zato što sam sve što me zanimalo o tebi doznala od Mirjane vlasnice restorana. Đoni sjedi i reći ću ti nešto što bi trebao znati, sigurno si to trebao znati." Pokazala je rukom na stolicu. U izrazu lica i pokretima je imala nešto što mi je govorilo da je iskrena. Polako sam se vrati na stolicu. Uzela je onaj ključ od motora i jednu karticu i gurnula to prema meni. "Uzmi Đoni poslije ti kažem nešto što si prije trebao doznati. Javit ću mom odvjetniku da preuzme motor i da ga da na pripremu za put, tu ti je ključ i njegova vizitka, učini mi to i uzmi taj motor. Mislim da se mi više nećemo vidjeti." Klimnuh glavom. "Sigurno se više svojom voljom nećemo vidjeti. Reci mi zašto je bitno da ja uzmem taj motor?" Udahnula je. "Đoni ovaj ključ nosim umjesto Škotove slike. Znaš ljudi nose slike osoba sa kojima su proveli ugodna razdoblja života ne iz ljubavi ili poštovanja prema tim ljudima, već zato što kada pogledaju tu sliku sjete se lijepih ugodnih trenutaka koje su proveli sa tom osobom. Za mene je ovaj ključ bio dio toga. Motor je bio bitan dio njegovog života kao i vas dvojica. Ja sam ga odvojila od jednog dijela onoga čemu je pripadao. Sada osjećam ako ovaj motor prepustim tebi da vraćam djelić njega na staro mjesto. Uzmi i doznati ćeš još nešto." Polako sam podigao ključ i vizitku. Ubacio sam sve u gornji džep jakne i uzeo čašu sa pićem. Otpio sam gutljaj i dohvatio još jednu njenu cigaretu, pružila mi je upaljač. Kada sam povukao dim pogledah je upitno. "Što sam još davno trebao znati?" Gledala me je hladnim pogledom. "Đoni i Petra i Bosa su imale svoje ideje. Nisi ti tako neodoljiv da bi se jedan lezbijski par zaljubio u tebe. Da, Bosa je imala sklonosti ka tebi još iz starog kraja ali priča je malo drugačija od onoga što ti misliš." Prekinuh je. "Misliš reći da je ona moja veza sa njima bila privid?" Nasmiješila se. "Na početku da ali poslije su se same uhvatile na svoje ljepilo. Ujedno Đoni, zlatni dobri Đoni, otišao si nakon što si živio sa njima i nisi se niti javio telefonom da ih čuješ ili pitaš kako su." Osjetih grč u želucu. "Zvao sam, mislim jedan dva puta nisam ih dobio i pokupili su me u JNA. Pa, pisao sam im i razmijenili smo pisma dok sam bio u JNA. Ne znam par pisama." Lagano je otpila iz čaše. "I kako je išlo dalje?" "Ne sjećam se točno, bilo je negdje pred kraj vojske primio sam pismo od Petre da je Bosa poginula u prometnoj. Nisam imao nikakve šanse dobiti odsustvo za sahranu nekoga tko mi nije čak niti rod, a u inozemstvu je. Pa i pasoš su mi oduzeli prije JNA, to je tada bila standardna procedura. Uglavnom napisao sam joj da ne mogu doći ali čim budem mogao doći ću da joj zajedno odemo na grob." Klimnula je glavom. "Da, kada joj se pokvario auto na cesti krenula je postaviti trokut iza auta, sve po zakonu, tada je pokupio i nju i auto pijani Bugarski vozač hladnjače. Tragedija. Bilo mi je jako teško radi Bose. Bila je dobra prema meni. A ti Đoni kada si joj konačno otišao na grob?" Grč u želucu se polako pojačavao. "Pet godina kasnije sam bio poslovno u Hamburgu. Nazvao sam Petru. Ispričala mi je da se, nakon Bosine smrti, udala za nekog Jurgena i da ima dijete ali da će me odvesti na groblje. Vidjeli smo se, došla je sa curicom i otišli smo zajedno na Bosin grob. Zapalio sam svijeću i pomolio se. Otišli smo nakon toga svi zajedno u restoran u blizini i popili piće. Činilo se da je Petra sretna, a mala je bila lijepo napredno dijete oko tri godine." Smiješak na Goginom licu se malo pojačao. "Đoni ti nemaš djece kao ni ja, kako sam saznala." Klimnuh glavom. "Ni meni to nije išlo." Gledala me i vrtila čašu u rukama. "Đoni curica nije bila napredna za "oko tri godine" već normalno dijete za malo više od četiri godine." Osjetio sam slabost u rukama. Gledao sam je oštro. Smiješeći se vrtila je čašu među prstima. Osjećao sam da mi je glas hladan. "Goga što misliš reći. Ne zajebavaj se sa tim. Reci što si mislila reći!" Smiješila se gledajući me u oči. "Znaš, jesi li koristio kontracepciju sa Bosom i Petrom?" Zbunjeno sam odmahnuo glavom. "Ne mislio sam da one vode računa." Smijala se. "O pametni bez grješni Đoni je pretpostavio da lezbijke koriste kontracepciju. Čim ugledaju jedna drugu vrisnu "neću bez kontracepcije napravit ćeš mi bebača". Budalo." Smijala se iskreno. Meni nije bilo do smijeha. Polako je otpila još jedan gutljaj iz čaše. "Đoni, Petra je rodila devet mjeseci od tvog posjeta. Bile su presretne. Možda im je samo malo smetalo što se ne javljaš. Željele su to dijete, samo su se malo zaljepile pa su željele i da se vratiš. U biti dobro si im poslužio, bile su u vezi i dobile su dijete. Nesreća sa Bosom se dogodila mjesec i pol nakon rođenja. Petra je naljetela na tog Jurgena u novoj kompaniji gdje se zaposlila kao programer. Jurgen (Jirgen) je bio peder, peško, pederčina od četrdeset i pet godina ali je želio promaknuće na mjesto menadžera, a to nije išlo ako je pederčina. Brzo su sklopili dogovor. Vjenčali su se, Jurgen je priznao dijete i bio je čovjek po standardima. Dobio je promaknuće. Kada si bio u posjetu Bosinom grobu devedesete, bili su već deset mjeseci razvedeni." Smijala se iskreno se smijala. Osjećao sam slabost. "I gdje je sada Petra?" "U istom stanu gdje si je i ostavio, samo je "napredna mala" već malo odrasla i otišla svojim putem." Mutilo mi se u glavi. "Goga ne lupetaj, kako to sve znaš? Što si, vidovita? Nisu te voljele i niste bile u kontaktu, pa ne možeš to znati." Pogledala me nadmoćno. "Preko Suzi šećeru, od kada je Škot otišao bila sam više puta sa Suzi. Nikada me ona niti njene frendice nisu zanimale za vezu ili zajednički život ali za zabavu su dobre, doista dobre. Đoni Mirjana kaže da nemaš djece, šećeru imaš već dvadeset i kusur godina, samo ne znaš." Smijala se dok je zatvarala vrata iza mene. Smijala se iskreno. Polako sam hodao ka parkingu. Zaustavio sam se pored kioska i kupio cigarete. Dovukao sam se do crkve. Sjeo sam na jedan kamen u uređenom crkvenom dvorištu i zapalio cigaretu. Trebalo mi je par minuta da registriram glazbu i pjevanje koji su dopirali iza crkvenih vrata. Sjetih se da su u tijeku "Dani katoličke mladeži". Poslušao sam pažljivije. Iza vrata se sada jasno čuo "Glori aleluja" refren "za život nam snage daj" nakon toga glori aleluja. Polako sam počeo njihati glavom u ritmu pjesme. Ugasio sam cigaretu petom čizme. Posegnuo sam u gornji džep jakne i izvadio ključ i vizitku, malo sam ih gledao i vratio u džep. Posegnuo sam za mobitelom. Lidija je ionako bila na godišnjem od idućeg tjedna, a ja ću ostatak svog bez problema problema dobiti telefonski. Pjesma iza crkvenih vrata je utihnula. Lidija se javila nakon trećeg signala. "Halo dolaziš konačno na ručak?" Počekao sam par sekundi. "Ne, uzmi kacigu i jaknu dolazim po tebe i idemo na put." "Đoni ponovo si se napasao ludih gljiva. Kada, gdje i zašto?" "Sada, u Hamburg, da pokupimo jedan motor i da porazgovaram sa jednom ženom, a uz put ću ti ispričati priču, možda ti se priča svidi, možda ne ali to je drugo zašto." "Nismo spakirali opremu za put." "Kupit ćemo uz put što nam treba, samo isključi sve i čekaj me na cesti." Prekinuo sam vezu. Dok sam kretao prema motoru iza crkvenih vrata je počela nova pjesma "Braćo moja radujmo se Bog je tu". KRAJ KAKO SAM OBEĆAO BORISU NA DRUŽENJU U GOSPIĆU PRIČA POSTANA DO KRAJA :D ‚e vala svaka čast tebi a posebno Borisu, jer da ne bi njega čekao bi se ovaj kraj još dugo, dugo, dug du d... :h :h :h :h :h odlično Đoni baš mi je leglo :aplauz: čim se pojavi u štampanom izdanju poručujem primjerak za sebe da pročitam sve odjednom sa uživanjem. nastavi maestro u ovom pravcu, stil ne mijenjaj, a motor bi mogao.... npr versys :evil: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: ‚e vala svaka čast tebi a posebno Borisu, jer da ne bi njega čekao bi se ovaj kraj još dugo, dugo, dug du d... :h :h :h :h :h odlično Đoni baš mi je leglo :aplauz: čim se pojavi u štampanom izdanju poručujem primjerak za sebe da pročitam sve odjednom sa uživanjem. nastavi maestro u ovom pravcu, stil ne mijenjaj, a motor bi mogao.... npr versys :evil: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: :occasion: Hvala Gastro. Znaš volio bih čuti i koju kritiku od srca, to pomaže da se čovjek poboljša u onome što radi. Prije cca 1,5 god. je već postana cijela priča na motori.hr, a Boris je rekao da ne ide tamo iz nekih principijelnih razloga ali da bi volio pročitati cijelu priču, pa nakon dobrog druženja cuge i janjocida (umalo pa ratni zloćin protiv janjaca) eto. Boris mi je kao i vi ostali ostavio super dojam pa .. želim zahvaliti i Panti na dobrom dočeku i gostoprimstvu. Tiskanog izdanja neće biti, već prije više od cca 2 godine javio se jedan agent za tisak (kada je prvi dio bio na motori.hr) i ponudio tisak ali uz uvijete "pišeš po rokovima, imamo pravo zahtijevati izmjenu sadržaja/kraja priče i slično" odhebal sam to. Pišem iz zabave (zato ide sporo) i pišem što želim, bez što naruče. Slobodan sam od parazita. Boris mislim još nije skužio da je po njegovoj želji :D Sto reci... sigurno da nijesam validan za ozbiljnu literarnu kritiku, jednostavno sam kao prosjecni citalac odusevljen i to ne krijem, volio bih jos puno stiva na ovu temu :thumbleft: Ocigledno da ni ja nijesam redovan na hr motori kao ovdje :D Zao mi je da nece biti na papiru, ali razumijem razloge i podrzavam. ps da si upoznao Borisa, mene i Tifijevo vino u petak, ostavili bi jos bolji utisak :angel: :D ps da si upoznao Borisa, mene i Tifijevo vino u petak, ostavili bi jos bolji utisak :angel: :D Pa zakasnio sam na prave događaje :D ali i u subotu je bilo super i opušteno, idealne teme za smiriti živce nakon sj .. ebanog radnog tjedna, motori druženje putovanja. Upozorio sam Borisa da ću malo više pričati na te teme ako da povoda budući da mi cijeli tjedan bio sj..eban na poslu paa se našli :D. Žao mi što nisam kušao Tifijevo vino ali ima godina :D Evo , konačno uspio pročitat priču.....(radi boljeg doživljaja od početka ) što reči ????? lijepo ! nije to neki vrhunski literarni uradak , ali je jedna lijepo i tečno ispričana priča o mladosti mnogih od nas.....mene osobno podsjetila na neke slične događaje iz mojih mladih dana ....i dala mi povoda da malo razmislim o tim vremenima....a to i je bit svake dobre priče , da ostavi traga na čitatelja ! nastavi dalje pisati ,čitatelja buš sigurno imal ! A što se tiče petka .....bilo je tekuči zajebano....kaj misliš zašto sam u subotu pil mineralnu ????? drugi put buš nam pomogel , nadam se ....a do tada želim svima puno ugodnih kilometri !