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Keys to Family Happiness Managing Conflicts He says: “After we were married, Sarah * and I lived with my family at my parents’ house. One day, my brother’s girlfriend asked me for a ride home in our car. I obliged and took my young son along. But when I returned home, Sarah was furious. We started arguing, and right in front of my family, she called me a womanizer. I lost my temper and started saying things that irritated her even more.” She says: “Our son has a serious health problem, and at the time, we had financial trouble. So when Fernando left in the car with his brother’s girlfriend and our son, I was upset for several reasons. When he came home, I let him know how I felt. We had a huge argument and called each other names. I felt terrible afterward.” IF A couple argue, does this mean that they no longer love each other? Fernando and Sarah, quoted above, love each other dearly. Yet, even in the best of marriages, there will occasionally be some conflict. Why do conflicts arise, and what can you do to prevent them from ruining your marriage? Since marriage is an arrangement designed by God, it makes sense to examine what his Word, the Bible, has to say on this subject. Understanding the Challenges Most married couples want to treat each other in a loving and kind manner. However, the Bible realistically notes that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23) So when disagreements arise, emotions may be difficult to control. And if an argument starts, some may find it a real struggle to resist bad habits, such as screaming and abusive speech. (Romans 7:21; Ephesians 4:31) What other factors might cause tension? A husband and a wife often have different communication styles. “When we were first married,” says Michiko, “I discovered that we had very different attitudes about discussing matters. I like to talk about not only what happened but also why and how it happened. My husband seems to be interested in just the end result.” Michiko’s dilemma is not unique. In many marriages, one partner may want to discuss a disagreement at length, while the other dislikes confrontation and wants to avoid the subject. Sometimes, the more one partner pursues the matter, the more the other tries to avoid it. Have you noticed this pattern emerging in your marriage? Does one of you always seem to play the part of the discusser, and the other, the part of the avoider? Another factor to consider is that an individual’s family background may influence his or her perception of how married couples should communicate. Justin, who has been married for five years, says: “I come from a quiet family and find it difficult to talk openly about my feelings. This frustrates my wife. Her family is very expressive, and she has no problem letting me know how she feels.” Why Work to Resolve Problems? Researchers have found that the most reliable indicator of how happy a marriage will be is not how often the couple say that they love each other. Sexual compatibility and financial security are not the most important factors either. Instead, the most dependable indicator of marital success is how well husband and wife manage any conflicts that arise. In addition, Jesus said that when a couple marry, it is not man but God who yokes them together. (Matthew 19:4-6) Therefore, a good marriage honors God. On the other hand, if a husband fails to show love and consideration for his wife, Jehovah God may ignore the man’s prayers. (1 Peter 3:7) If a wife does not respect her husband, she is really disrespecting Jehovah, who appointed the husband as head of the family. Keys to Success —Avoid Damaging Patterns of Speech No matter what your communication style or family background, there are some damaging patterns of speech that must be avoided if you are to apply Bible principles and manage conflicts effectively. Ask yourself the following questions: ‘Do I resist the urge to retaliate?’ “The squeezing of the nose is what brings forth blood, and the squeezing out of anger is what brings forth quarreling,” states a wise proverb. (Proverbs 30:33) What does that mean? Consider this example. What starts out as a difference over how to balance the family budget (“we need to control credit-card spending”) may quickly mutate into an attack on each other’s character (“you are so irresponsible”). True, if your mate ‘squeezes your nose’ by launching into an attack on your character, you may feel the urge to ‘squeeze’ right back. However, retaliation only leads to anger and an escalation of the disagreement. The Bible writer James warned: “Look! How little a fire it takes to set so great a woodland on fire! Well, the tongue is a fire.” (James 3:5, 6) When marriage mates fail to control their tongue, small disagreements can quickly flare into raging conflicts. And marriages that are repeatedly ravaged by such emotional firestorms do not provide an environment in which love can grow. Instead of retaliating, can you imitate Jesus, who when being reviled “did not go reviling in return”? (1 Peter 2:23) The quickest way to take the heat out of a quarrel is to acknowledge your mate’s viewpoint and to apologize for your part in the conflict. TRY THIS: The next time a dispute arises, ask yourself: ‘What would it cost me to acknowledge my mate’s concerns? What have I done that contributed to this problem? What prevents me from apologizing for my mistakes?’ ‘Do I minimize or belittle my spouse’s feelings?’ “All of you be like-minded, showing fellow feeling,” commands God’s Word. (1 Peter 3:8) Consider two of the reasons why you might fail to apply this advice. One is that you may lack insight into the mind, or the feelings, of your mate. For example, if your spouse is more distraught over some issue than you are, you might tend to say, “You’re just overreacting.” Your intention may be to help your mate see the problem in perspective. However, few people are comforted by such comments. Both wives and husbands need to know that the people whom they love understand and empathize with them. Having undue pride might also prompt a person to belittle a mate’s feelings. A proud individual attempts to elevate himself by constantly putting others down. He might do so by means of name-calling or negative comparisons. Consider the example of the Pharisees and scribes of Jesus’ day. When anyone Think about how you react when your mate expresses his or her concerns. Do your words, tone of voice, and facial expressions convey empathy? Or do you tend quickly to dismiss your mate’s feelings? TRY THIS: Over the coming weeks, notice how you speak to your spouse. If you are dismissive or say something demeaning, apologize immediately. ‘Do I often assume that my partner’s motives are selfish?’ “Is it for nothing that Job has feared God? Have not you yourself put up a hedge about him and about his house and about everything that he has all around?” (Job 1:9, 10) With those words, Satan called into question the motives of the faithful man Job. If marriage mates are not careful, they may fall into a similar pattern. For example, if your mate does something nice for you, do you wonder what he or she wants or is covering up? If your mate makes a mistake, do you view this failing as confirmation that he or she is selfish and uncaring? Do you immediately recall similar mistakes from the past and add this one to the list? TRY THIS: Make a list of the positive things that your mate has done for you and the good motives that could have prompted these actions. The apostle Paul wrote: “Love . does not keep account of the injury.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5) Real love is not blind. But neither does it keep score. Paul also stated that love “believes all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:7) Not that this kind of love is gullible, but it is open to trust. It is not cynical, suspicious. The type of love that the Bible encourages is ready to forgive and is willing to give others the benefit of the doubt. (Psalm 86:5; Ephesians 4:32) When mates display this kind of love for each other, they will enjoy a happy marriage. ASK YOURSELF . - What mistakes did the couple quoted at the beginning of the article make? - How can I avoid making similar mistakes in my marriage? - Which of the points mentioned in the article do I need to work on most? ^ par. 3 Names have been changed.
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Savjeti za sretan obiteljski život Kako rješavati nesuglasice On kaže: “Nakon što smo se Sara * i ja vjenčali, živjeli smo u kući mojih roditelja zajedno s ostalim članovima moje obitelji. Jednog dana djevojka moga brata zamolila me da je prebacim kući. Rado sam joj učinio tu uslugu, a s nama sam poveo svog malog sina. No kad sam se vratio kući, Sara je bila bijesna. Počeli smo se svađati i ona mi je pred mojima rekla da sam ženskar. Više se nisam mogao suzdržati, pa sam joj svašta izgovorio, što ju je još više razljutilo.” Ona kaže: “U to je vrijeme naš sin bio jako bolestan i imali smo financijskih problema. Kad je Filip odvezao djevojku svog brata i poveo našeg sina, povrijedilo me više stvari. Kad se vratio kući, rekla sam mu što mislim o tome. Strašno smo se posvađali i počeli smo se vrijeđati. Poslije sam se grozno osjećala.” JESU li svađe između muža i žene znak da se više ne vole? Nisu! Filip i Sara, koji su spomenuti u uvodu, jako se vole. Pa ipak, čak i u najboljim brakovima ponekad dođe do konflikta. Zašto se to događa i što možete poduzeti da takvi problemi ne bi razorili vaš brak? Budući da je brak utemeljio Bog, sasvim je logično ispitati što njegova Riječ, Biblija, govori o tome (1. Mojsijeva 2:21, 22; 2. Prepoznati korijen problema Većina bračnih parova želi u braku pokazivati ljubav i obzirnost. Međutim, Biblija realno kaže da su “svi sagriješili i ne odražavaju slavu Božju” (Rimljanima 3:23). Zato je nekima teško obuzdati se kad dođe do nesuglasica. A kad počne svađa, nekima je teško oduprijeti se lošim navikama kao što su vikanje i vrijeđanje (Rimljanima 7:21; Efežanima 4:31). Što još može uzrokovati napetost? Muževi i žene često imaju drugačiji način komunikacije. Maja kaže: “Kad smo se vjenčali, shvatila sam da posve drugačije iznosimo svoja zapažanja. Ja ne kažem samo što se dogodilo nego također navedem zašto i kako se to dogodilo, a mog muža izgleda zanima samo konačni ishod neke situacije.” Maja nije jedina koja se suočava s tim problemom. U mnogim brakovima jedan bračni partner o nekoj nesuglasici želi naširoko razglabati, dok drugi ne voli rasprave i najradije ne bi uopće pričao o tome. Ponekad se događa da što više jedan bračni partner pokušava započeti razgovor, to ga drugi sve više izbjegava. Zna li se to dogoditi i u vašem braku? Da li jedan od vas uvijek želi raspravljati o problemu, dok drugi to izbjegava? U obzir treba uzeti i porijeklo muža i žene jer ono može utjecati na to kako oni gledaju na komunikaciju u braku. Davor, koji je u braku pet godina, kaže: “U mojoj se obitelji nije puno razgovaralo, pa mi je teško govoriti o svojim osjećajima. To smeta mojoj ženi. U njenoj obitelji svi su jako pričljivi, pa mi bez problema kaže kako se osjeća.” Zašto se potruditi riješiti problem? Bračni savjetnici utvrdili su da najbolji pokazatelj je li neki brak sretan nije to koliko često muž i žena jedno drugom kažu: “Volim te”, niti je najvažnije da li si odgovaraju u spolnom pogledu i stoje li dobro financijski. Umjesto toga, najpouzdaniji pokazatelj uspješnosti braka jest to koliko dobro muž i žena rješavaju nesuglasice koje se pojave. Osim toga, Isus je rekao da muškarca i ženu u brak ne združuje čovjek, nego Bog (Matej 19:4-6). Zato dobar brak služi na čast Bogu. S druge strane, ako muž ne pokazuje ljubav i razumijevanje prema svojoj ženi, Jehova Bog možda prestane slušati njegove molitve (1. Petrova 3:7). Ako žena ne poštuje svog muža, ona zapravo ne poštuje Jehovu, koji je postavio muža da bude glava obitelji (1. Korinćanima 11:3). Ključ uspjeha — nemojte govoriti ono čime ćete povrijediti svog bračnog druga Bez obzira na to volite li puno pričati ili ne te kako vaše porijeklo utječe na vaš način komuniciranja, ako želite primjenjivati biblijska načela i uspješno rješavati nesuglasice, svom bračnom drugu ne biste smjeli govoriti stvari kojima ga možete povrijediti. Postavite si sljedeća pitanja: ‘Odupirem li se želji da uzvratim milo za drago?’ “Kad se udari nos, poteče krv, a kad se dade oduška gnjevu, dođe do svađe”, piše u jednoj izreci (Mudre izreke 30:33). Što to znači? Osvrnimo se na jedan primjer. Razilaženje u mišljenju oko toga kako raspolagati kućnim budžetom (“moramo paziti koliko koristimo kreditne kartice”) brzo može prerasti u međusobno kritiziranje karaktera (“tako si neodgovoran/neodgovorna”). Istina, ako ti bračni drug “udari nos” tako da počne osuđivati tvoju narav, možda i ti poželiš “udariti” njega. Međutim, osveta samo vodi do gnjeva i još veće svađe. Biblijski pisac Jakov upozorio je: “Gle, mala je vatra potrebna da veliku šumu zapali! Jezik je vatra” (Jakov 3:5, 6). Kad muž i žena ne paze što govore, male razmirice mogu se brzo rasplamsati u žestoke sukobe. A brakovi u kojima su česte svađe popraćene burnim emocijama nisu plodno tlo za rast ljubavi. Umjesto da se osvećujete, možete li oponašati Isusa, koji “nije uzvraćao vrijeđanjem” kad su ga vrijeđali? Petrova 2:23). Svađu ćete najbrže izgladiti ako priznate da je vaš bračni drug možda u pravu i ako se ispričate što ste na neki način doprinijeli svađi. PRIJEDLOG: Kad sljedeći put izbije svađa, upitajte se: ‘Zašto ne bih razmislio o gledištima i osjećajima svog bračnog druga? Jesam li nečim doprinio ovom problemu? Zašto se ne bih ispričao zbog pogrešaka koje sam učinio?’ ‘Da li osjećaje svog bračnog druga smatram nevažnima i gledam li na njih s porugom?’ “Svi budite jednakih misli, suosjećajni”, zapovijeda Božja Riječ (1. Petrova 3:8). Razmotrite dva razloga zašto možda ne primjenjujete ovaj savjet. Kao prvo, možda nemate uvid u gledišta svog bračnog druga, a ni u osjećaje koji se kriju iza njih. Naprimjer, ako ga neka stvar muči više nego vas, možda ste skloni reći: “Uzimaš to previše k srcu.” Možda time želite pomoći svom bračnom drugu da taj problem sagleda objektivno. Međutim, takvi će komentari malo koga utješiti. Muževi i žene trebaju osjetiti da ih voljene osobe razumiju i suosjećaju s njima. Ponos također može biti razlog zašto netko osjećaje svog bračnog druga smatra nevažnima. Ponosna osoba pokušava se uzdizati iznad drugih tako da ih stalno omalovažava, a pritom se možda služi pogrdnim izrazima ili ih uspoređuje s drugima ističući da nisu dovoljno dobri. Obratite pažnju na primjer farizeja i pismoznanaca iz Isusovog vremena. Kad bi netko — čak i neki drugi farizej — iznio gledište koje se razlikovalo od gledišta tih ponosnih osoba, oni bi ga vrijeđali i govorili mu ponižavajuće stvari (Ivan 7:45-52). Isus je bio drugačiji. On je suosjećao s ljudima kad bi mu rekli svoje brige (Matej 20:29-34; Marko 5:25-34). Razmislite kako reagirate kad vam bračni drug iznese svoja gledišta ili osjećaje. Pokazuju li vaše riječi, ton glasa i izraz lica da ga razumijete ili nastojite što prije zaobići tu temu? PRIJEDLOG: U predstojećim tjednima pratite kako razgovarate sa svojim bračnim drugom. Ako primijetite da se ne obazirete na ono što vam govori ili da ste mu rekli nešto ponižavajuće, odmah se ispričajte. ‘Da li često pomislim da moj bračni drug ima sebične motive?’ “Zar se Job uzalud boji Boga? Nisi li ti ogradio njega i kuću njegovu i sve što ima svuda unaokolo?” (Job 1:9, 10). Tim je riječima Sotona doveo u pitanje motive vjernog Joba. Ako muževi i žene ne paze, i oni bi mogli upasti u tu zamku. Naprimjer, ako vaš bračni drug učini nešto lijepo za vas, da li odmah pomislite da mu sigurno nešto treba ili da nešto skriva od vas? Ako učini neku grešku, smatrate li kako je to očiti dokaz da je sebičan i bezosjećajan? Sjetite li se odmah sličnih grešaka iz prošlosti i pridodajete li tom popisu i ovu posljednju? PRIJEDLOG: Napravite popis svega lijepog što je vaš bračni drug učinio za vas i zapišite koji su ga ispravni poticaji mogli navesti na to. Apostol Pavao je napisao: ‘Ljubav ne pamti zlo’ (1. Korinćanima 13:4, 5). Prava ljubav nije slijepa. S druge strane, ona ne vodi evidenciju o zlu koje joj je naneseno. Pavao je također rekao da ljubav “sve vjeruje” (1. Korinćanima 13:7). Takva vrsta ljubavi nije lakovjerna, već spremno vjeruje drugima. Ona nije sumnjičava, nepovjerljiva. Ljubav na koju nas potiče Biblija spremno oprašta i ne pripisuje drugima krive poticaje (Psalam 86:5; Efežanima 4:32). Kad muževi i žene međusobno pokazuju takvu vrstu ljubavi, imaju sretan brak. RAZMISLITE... - Koje je greške učinio bračni par spomenut na početku članka? - Što mogu učiniti da ne bih i ja učinio slične greške u svom braku? - Koje misli iznesene u ovom članku moram najviše primjenjivati? ^ odl. 3 Imena su promijenjena.