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How Should You Discipline Your Children? “I listened impatiently to the sound of every passing car. This was the third time that Jordan had broken his curfew. ‘Where is he?’ I wondered. ‘Is he in trouble? Does he even care that we are worried?’ By the time he arrived, I was about to explode.” —GEORGE. “My daughter let out a scream, which sent a wave of panic through me. I turned and saw her clutching her head and crying. Her four-year-old brother had just hit her.” —NICOLE. “‘I didn’t steal the ring. I found it!’ said Natalie, our six-year-old daughter, her big blue eyes pleading her innocence. Her persistent denials cut us so deeply that we wept. We knew she was lying.” —STEPHEN. IF YOU are a parent, can you relate to the emotions expressed in the opening statements? When confronted with similar situations, do you wonder how WHAT IS DISCIPLINE? In the Bible, the word for “discipline” is not merely another word for punishment. Discipline primarily relates to instruction, education, and correction. It is never connected with abuse or cruelty. Parental discipline may be likened to gardening. A gardener prepares the soil, waters and feeds the plant, and provides protection from pests and weeds. As the plant grows, the gardener may need to prune the plant in order to help it keep growing in the right direction. The gardener recognizes that a careful combination of various techniques will help him to produce a healthy plant. Similarly, parents care for their children in many ways. But at times they need to give discipline The God of the Bible, Jehovah, sets a beautiful example for parents in this regard. The discipline that he gives his obedient earthly worshippers is so effective and desirable that they actually come to ‘love discipline.’ (Proverbs 12:1) They “hold on to discipline” and “do not let it go.” (Proverbs 4:13) You can help your child to respond positively by imitating closely three key elements of God’s discipline: It is (1) loving, (2) reasonable, and (3) consistent. LOVING DISCIPLINE Love is both the foundation of and the motivation for God’s discipline. The Bible says: “Those whom Jehovah loves he reproves, just as a father does a son in whom he delights.” (Proverbs 3:12) Furthermore, Jehovah, is “merciful and compassionate, slow to anger.” (Exodus 34:6) For this reason, Jehovah is never abusive or cruel. Neither does he resort to harsh words, constant criticism, or hurtful sarcasm, all of which can injure “like the stabs of a sword.” Granted, it is not possible for parents to imitate fully God’s perfect example of self-control. Sometimes your patience will be stretched to the limit, but during the particularly difficult times, always remember that anger-based punishment is usually oppressive, excessive, and counterproductive. Furthermore, punishment motivated by anger or frustration is not discipline at all. It is simply a loss of self-control. On the other hand, when you discipline with love and self-control, you are likely to get better results. Consider how George and Nicole, two of the parents quoted at the outset, handled matters. “When Jordan finally arrived, my wife and I were burning inside, but we maintained control while we listened to his explanation. Since it was so late, we decided to discuss the matter in the morning. We all prayed together and went to bed. The next day, we were in a much better position to discuss the situation calmly and reach our son’s heart. He willingly complied with our restrictions and accepted responsibility for his behavior. Thankfully, we realized that a quick response when people are upset is counterproductive. When our first step was to listen, things usually worked out for the best.” —George. “I was outraged when I saw the senseless hurt my son had inflicted on his sister. Instead of reacting immediately, I sent him to his room because I was just too angry to make a rational decision. Later, when I was composed, I sternly explained that violence is not acceptable and showed him how he had hurt his sister. This approach worked well with him. He apologized to his sister and hugged her.” —Nicole. Yes, proper discipline, even when it includes punishment, is always motivated by love. REASONABLE DISCIPLINE Jehovah’s discipline is always administered “to the proper degree.” (Jeremiah 30:11; 46:28) He takes all the circumstances into account, including what is not obvious. How can parents do likewise? Stephen, quoted in the introduction, explains: “Although we felt so hurt and could not understand Natalie’s insistent denials about the ring, we tried to take into account her age and degree of maturity.” Nicole’s husband, Robert, also tries to consider all the circumstances. When the children misbehave, he repeatedly asks himself: ‘Is this a onetime incident or an ongoing negative trait? Is the child tired or not feeling well? Is this conduct a symptom of another problem?’ Reasonable parents are also mindful that children are not miniature adults. The Christian apostle Paul acknowledged that fact when he wrote: “When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, to think as a child.” (1 Corinthians 13:11) Says Robert: “One thing that helps me keep things in perspective and avoid overreacting is to remind myself of what I used to do when I was a boy.” It is vital that you be realistic in your expectations and, at the same time, not justify or condone wrong conduct or attitudes. By taking into account your child’s abilities, limitations, and other circumstances, you will ensure that your discipline is balanced and reasonable. CONSISTENT DISCIPLINE “I am Jehovah; I do not change,” says Malachi 3:6. Servants of God rely on this truth and feel secure in this knowledge. Children also need the security of consistent discipline. If your standards change depending on your mood, your child may become confused and frustrated. Recall that Jesus said: “Let your word ‘Yes’ mean yes, your ‘No,’ no.” Those words well apply to parenting. (Matthew 5:37) Think carefully before giving ultimatums you have no intention of carrying out. If you warn your child that a certain form of discipline will result if he misbehaves, be sure to follow through. Good parental communication is essential to consistent discipline. Robert explains: “If our children manage to get me to agree to something that my wife told them they could not do, when I become aware of it, I reverse my decision to back up my wife.” If parents disagree about how to handle a situation, it is best that they discuss those differences privately and reach a united decision. DISCIPLINE IS ESSENTIAL If you imitate Jehovah’s loving, reasonable, and consistent discipline, you can be certain that your efforts will benefit your children. Your loving direction may help your children to develop into mature, responsible, and balanced adults. As the Bible says: “Train a boy in the way he should go; even when he grows old he will not depart from it.”
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Kako ukoravati svoje dijete? “Nestrpljivo sam osluškivao zvuk svakog automobila koji je prošao ulicom. To je bilo već treći put da Jordan nije došao kući na vrijeme. Stalno sam se pitao: ‘Pa dobro, gdje je? Da li mu se nešto dogodilo? Je li mu uopće palo na pamet da se brinemo zbog njega?’ Kad je napokon došao kući, mislio sam da ću puknuti od bijesa” (GEORGE) “Kad sam čula vrisak svoje kćeri, strašno sam se uspaničila. Okrenula sam se i ugledala je kako se drži za glavu i plače. Shvatila sam da ju je njen četverogodišnji brat udario” (NICOLE) “‘Nisam ukrala prsten, našla sam ga!’ rekla je naša šestogodišnja kći Natalie gledajući nas nedužno svojim velikim plavim očima. Toliko nas je zaboljelo što je tako uporno poricala da je ukrala prsten da smo na koncu zaplakali. Znali smo da laže” (STEPHEN) RAZUMIJETE li kako su se osjećali roditelji koje smo spomenuli u uvodu? Možda ste se i vi nekad našli u sličnoj situaciji. Jeste li se tada pitali kako ukoriti svoje dijete i je li to uopće potrebno? Je li neispravno ukoravati djecu? ŠTO JE UKORAVANJE? U Bibliji se ukoravanje ne povezuje isključivo s kažnjavanjem. Ukoravanje u prvom redu obuhvaća poučavanje, opominjanje i ispravljanje. Ono nipošto ne uključuje zlostavljanje ili okrutno kažnjavanje (Mudre izreke 4:1, 2). Roditeljsko ukoravanje mogli bismo usporediti s uzgojem biljke. Vrtlar priprema tlo, zalijeva i hrani biljku te je štiti od štetočina i korova. Da bi ona rasla i dobro se razvijala, vrtlar je ponekad treba obrezati, ali pritom treba biti oprezan kako je ne bi trajno oštetio. On zna da će pažljivim korištenjem različitih metoda uzgoja na kraju dobiti zdravu biljku. Slično tome roditelji koriste različite odgojne metode. Kao što vrtlar treba obrezivati biljku da bi se dobro razvijala, tako i roditelji ponekad trebaju ukoravati djecu kako bi već u ranoj dobi ispravili neke njihove loše sklonosti i pomogli im da postanu zrele osobe. Međutim, to trebaju činiti pažljivo i s puno ljubavi. Jehova, Bog o kojem govori Biblija, dao je roditeljima divan primjer u tom pogledu. Njegovi su ukori i opomene toliko korisni i mudri da ih njegovi sluge čak i vole (Mudre izreke 12:1). Oni ih prihvaćaju svim srcem (Mudre izreke 4:13). Budete li ukoravali svoje dijete po uzoru na Boga, ono će lakše prihvatiti vaš ukor. A kako Bog ukorava? On to čini s ljubavlju, razumno i dosljedno. UKORAVAJTE S LJUBAVLJU Bog nas ukorava iz čiste ljubavi. Ona je temelj svih njegovih opomena. Biblija kaže: “Koga Jehova ljubi, njega ukorava, kao otac sina kojeg voli” (Mudre izreke 3:12). Osim toga, Jehova je “milosrdan i dobrostiv, spor na gnjev” (2. Mojsijeva 34:6). Zbog toga nikada ne nanosi zlo ljudima niti je okrutan prema njima. On ne koristi grube riječi, nema običaj stalno kritizirati druge niti ih vrijeđati sarkastičnim primjedbama jer zna da bi se zbog toga mogli osjećati kao da ih netko “mačem probada” (Mudre izreke 12:18). Naravno, roditelji ne mogu u potpunosti oponašati Boga, koji se savršeno svladava. Oni ponekad imaju osjećaj da se više ne mogu kontrolirati jer djeca iskušavaju njihovo strpljenje do krajnjih granica. U tim se trenucima trebaju prisjetiti da nije dobro kažnjavati dijete u nastupu gnjeva jer bi se moglo dogoditi da ga pretjerano kazne, budu grubi prema njemu i izazovu sasvim suprotnu reakciju od one koju su željeli. Osim toga, ako roditelj kažnjava dijete kad je ljut ili ogorčen, on ga zapravo ne ukorava, nego naprosto pokazuje da je izgubio vlast nad sobom. S druge strane, ako ukoravate svoje dijete s ljubavlju i pritom kontrolirate svoje emocije, to će vjerojatno imati bolji učinak. Pogledajmo kako su George i Nicole, dvoje roditelja koje smo spomenuli na početku članka, riješili probleme s kojima su se suočili. “Kad je Jordan napokon došao kući, žena i ja kipjeli smo od bijesa, ali uspjeli smo se svladati i saslušati ga dok nam je objašnjavao zašto je zakasnio. Budući da je bilo jako kasno, odlučili smo razgovarati o tome ujutro. Zajedno smo se pomolili i otišli na spavanje. Sutradan smo bili u stanju smireno razgovarati i pomoći svom sinu da uvidi gdje je pogriješio. Spremno je prihvatio kaznu koju smo mu odredili i preuzeo odgovornost za svoje postupke. Sretni smo što smo shvatili da nije dobro odmah reagirati ako je čovjek uzrujan jer se tako situacija može samo pogoršati. Kad bismo najprije saslušali svog sina, obično bi sve dobro ispalo” (George). “Bila sam bijesna kad sam vidjela da je moj sin iz čistog mira udario svoju sestru. No nisam odmah reagirala, nego sam ga poslala u njegovu sobu jer sam se bojala da bih u ljutnji mogla napraviti nešto nerazumno. Kad sam se sabrala, strogo sam mu objasnila da ne smije biti nasilan i da je jako povrijedio svoju sestru. To je dobro djelovalo na njega. Ispričao se sestri i zagrlio je” (Nicole). Dakle, ispravno je ukoriti dijete, čak ga i kazniti, no to uvijek treba činiti s ljubavlju. BUDITE RAZUMNI Jehova uvijek ukorava “koliko treba” (Jeremija 30:11; 46:28). On uzima u obzir sve činjenice, pa i one koje nisu očite. Kako se roditelji mogu ugledati na njega? Stephen, kojeg smo citirali na početku članka, kaže: “Ponašanje naše Natalie prilično nas je povrijedilo i nismo mogli razumjeti zašto uporno tvrdi da nije ukrala prsten, ali pokušali smo uzeti u obzir njenu dob i stupanj zrelosti.” I Nicolin muž Robert nastoji uzeti u obzir sve činjenice. Kad njihova djeca naprave nešto loše, on se uvijek upita: Je li to što se dogodilo iznimka ili se stalno ponavlja? Je li dijete umorno ili bolesno? Ukazuje li djetetovo ponašanje na neki drugi problem? Razumni roditelji svjesni su toga da djeca nisu “mali” odrasli ljudi. Apostol Pavao potvrdio je tu činjenicu kad je napisao: “Kad sam bio dijete, govorio sam kao dijete, razmišljao kao dijete” (1. Korinćanima 13:11). U vezi s tim Robert kaže: “Ponekad se prisjetim što sam ja radio kad sam bio mali i to mi pomaže da realno sagledam neku situaciju te da ne reagiram burno.” Jako je važno da imate realna očekivanja, ali istovremeno ne smijete opravdavati neispravno ponašanje i stavove ili zatvarati oči pred njima. Budete li uzimali u obzir zrelost svog djeteta, njegova ograničenja i druge okolnosti, bit ćete uravnoteženi i razumni dok ga ukoravate. BUDITE DOSLJEDNI “Ja sam Jehova, ja se ne mijenjam”, piše u Malahiji 3:6. Spoznaja da se Bog ne mijenja i da je dosljedan ulijeva Božjim slugama osjećaj sigurnosti. I djeci je potreban osjećaj sigurnosti koji proizlazi iz dosljednog ukoravanja. Ako se vaša mjerila mijenjaju ovisno o vašem raspoloženju, dijete bi moglo postati zbunjeno i ogorčeno. Isus je rekao: “Kad kažete: ‘Da’, neka to znači ‘da’, a kad kažete: ‘Ne’, neka to znači ‘ne’.” Te se riječi mogu dobro primijeniti na odgoj djece (Matej 5:37). Nemojte djetetu prijetiti kaznom koju ne namjeravate provesti u djelo. Ako ste ga upozorili da ćete ga na određeni način kazniti za neposlušnost, onda budite dosljedni i to učinite. Da bi roditelji dosljedno ukoravali svoje dijete, moraju o tome razgovarati. Robert kaže: “Kad me djeca uspiju nagovoriti da im dopustim nešto za što nisam znao da im je mama već zabranila, promijenim svoju odluku kako bih dao podršku svojoj ženi.” Ako se roditelji ne slažu oko toga kako riješiti neki problem, bilo bi najbolje da o tome nasamo razgovaraju i zajedno donesu odluku. UKORAVANJE JE NEOPHODNO Budete li po uzoru na Jehovu ukoravali svoju djecu s ljubavlju, razumno i dosljedno, to će im sigurno koristiti. Smjernice koje im s ljubavlju dajete mogu im pomoći da postanu zrele, odgovorne i uravnotežene osobe. Biblija kaže: “Odgajaj dijete prema putu kojim treba ići, pa neće odstupiti od njega ni kad ostari” (Mudre izreke 22:6).