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Keys to Family Happiness Raising Responsible Children George: * “Every evening followed the same routine. Michael, my four-year-old son, left his toys scattered all around the house. I tried to make him clean up before putting him to bed. But Michael would become hysterical, screaming and carrying on. Sometimes I got so frustrated that I yelled at him, but that only made us both feel terrible. I wanted bedtime to be a happy time. So I gave up trying and just cleaned up the mess myself.” Emily: “The trouble began when my 13-year-old daughter, Jenny, had difficulty understanding her teacher’s requirements for a school assignment. Jenny cried for an hour when she came home from school. I encouraged her to ask for help at school, but Jenny insisted that her teacher was mean, so she didn’t dare speak to her. I was tempted to march right down to the school and tell the teacher exactly what I thought of her. I felt that no one had the right to make my baby so unhappy!” CAN you relate to George and Emily? Like those parents, many find it difficult to watch a child struggle with a problem or be unhappy. It is only natural that parents try to protect their children. However, the situations described above actually presented an opportunity for those parents to teach their child a valuable lesson in responsibility. Of course, the lessons a 4-year-old and a 13-year-old can learn will be different. The truth is, though, you will not always be there to shield your child from life’s challenges. Eventually, a child will leave his father and mother and “carry his own load” of responsibility. (Galatians 6:5; Genesis 2:24) To enable children to fend for themselves, parents must stay focused on the goal of teaching them to become unselfish, caring, responsible adults. That is no easy task! Fortunately, parents have a wonderful role model in Jesus and the way he dealt with his disciples. Jesus was not a literal parent. But his goal in choosing and training his disciples was to empower them to carry on the work, even after he was gone. (Matthew 28:19, 20) What Jesus accomplished is similar to the goal each parent hopes to reach in raising responsible children. Consider just three aspects of the example Jesus set for parents. “Set the Pattern” for Your Child Close to the end of his life, Jesus said to his disciples: “I set the pattern for you, that, just as I did to you, you should do also.” (John 13:15) Likewise, parents need to explain and show by example exactly what it means to be responsible. Ask yourself: ‘Do I frequently speak about taking care of my own responsibilities in a positive way? Do I talk about the satisfaction that I receive from working hard for others? Or do I often complain and compare myself to those who seem to have an easier life?’ Granted, nobody is perfect. All of us feel overburdened at times. But your example is probably the most powerful way to help your children to see the importance and value of responsible behavior. TRY THIS: If possible, occasionally take your child with you to work and show him or her what you do to support the family financially. Engage in volunteer work where your child can accompany you. Afterward, discuss the pleasure you received from caring for that responsibility. Have Reasonable Expectations Jesus recognized that it would take time before his disciples would be ready to assume the roles and responsibilities he was expecting of them. He once said to them: “I have many things yet to say to you, but you are not able to bear them at present.” (John 16:12) Jesus did not immediately ask his disciples to do anything independent of him. Rather, he spent much time teaching them many things. Only when he thought they were ready did Jesus send his disciples out on their own. Similarly, it is unreasonable for parents to ask children to assume adult responsibilities before they are ready. Even so, as children grow, parents should determine what assignments and tasks are appropriate for them. For example, parents need to teach their children to be responsible for their own personal cleanliness, to clean their room, to be punctual, and to manage money wisely. When a child begins school, parents should expect the child to view his or her schoolwork as an important responsibility that the child must care for. Parents need to do more than just assign responsibilities to their child. They must also support the child’s efforts to succeed. George, the father mentioned earlier, realized that part of the reason Michael became so upset about putting away his toys was that the task seemed overwhelming. “Instead of just yelling at Michael to pick up his toys,” says George, “I tried teaching him a system for getting the work done.” What specifically did he do? “First,” says George, “I established a set time to pick up the toys each night. Then, I worked along with Michael, doing one section of the room at a time. I made a game of the task, even turning it into a contest to see who could work the fastest. Soon, the process became part of the bedtime routine. I promised Michael that if he did the job quickly, I would read an extra bedtime story to him. But if he dawdled, then story-time would be cut short.” TRY THIS: Analyze what each of your children could reasonably be expected to do that would contribute to the smooth running of your household. Ask yourself, ‘Are there things that I am still doing for my children that they could do for themselves?’ If so, work with your children until you are sure that they can handle the assignment on their own. Make it clear that there will be consequences, either good or bad, depending on how well the children care for their assigned task. Then, either enforce the consequences or grant the rewards. Provide Specific Instruction Jesus, like every good teacher, knew that the best way to learn is by doing. For example, when Jesus felt that the time was right, he sent his disciples out “by twos in advance of him into every city and place to which he himself was going to come.” (Luke 10:1) However, he did not simply leave them to their own devices. Before sending them out, he gave them very specific instructions. (Luke 10:2-12) When the disciples returned and reported on their success, Jesus commended and encouraged them. (Luke 10:17-24) He expressed both his confidence in their abilities and his approval. When your children face challenging responsibilities, how do you react? Do you seek to shield your children from the things they fear, to protect them from disappointment and failure? Your first instinct may be to “rescue” your child or to take the burden upon yourself. But consider: Every time you rush in and “save” your children in some manner, what kind of message are you sending? Are you indicating that you have confidence in them and believe in their abilities? Or are you telling them that you still think of them as helpless infants who must rely upon you for everything? For example, how did Emily, mentioned earlier, deal with her daughter’s dilemma? Instead of interfering, she decided to let Jenny deal directly with the teacher. Together, Emily and Jenny wrote out a list of questions for Jenny to take to school. Then they discussed when to approach the teacher. They even rehearsed the way the conversation might go. “Jenny mustered up courage to approach her teacher,” says Emily, “and her teacher commended her for her initiative. Jenny was so proud of herself TRY THIS: Write down a current challenge your child faces. Next to the challenge, write down what you could do to help your child meet the challenge without “rescuing” him or her. Rehearse with your child the steps necessary to overcome the challenge. Express your confidence in the child’s ability. If you forever shield your children from difficulty, you may, in fact, stunt their ability to take on life’s challenges. Instead, strengthen your children by raising them to accept responsibility. Doing so will be one of the most valuable gifts you can give them. ^ par. 3 Names have been changed. ASK YOURSELF . Do I have realistic expectations of my children? Do I both tell them and show them what they need to do to succeed? When was the last time that I encouraged or commended my child?
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Savjeti za sretan obiteljski život Kako pomoći djeci da se odgovorno ponašaju? Marin: * “Svake se večeri ponavljala ista priča. Moj četverogodišnji sin Matija ostavio bi igračke po cijeloj kući. Pokušavao sam ga naučiti da ih pospremi prije odlaska na spavanje, ali on bi počeo histerično vikati i postao nemoguć. Znao sam se toliko naljutiti da bih se izvikao na njega, ali time nisam ništa postigao. Samo smo se i on i ja grozno osjećali. Želio sam da se raduje odlasku na spavanje. Zato sam jednostavno digao ruke i poslije bih sam počistio nered.” Ema: “Problem je nastao kad moja 13-godišnja kći Dijana nije razumjela kako treba napraviti jedan školski zadatak. Kad se vratila iz škole, plakala je sat vremena. Predložila sam joj da zamoli nastavnicu za pomoć, ali rekla je da je ona grozna i da se boji razgovarati s njom. Došlo mi je da taj čas odem u školu i nastavnici kažem što mislim o njoj. Smatrala sam da nitko nema pravo tako rastužiti moju curicu.” OSJEĆATE li se i vi ponekad poput Marina i Eme? Mnogim je roditeljima teško kad njihova djeca imaju neki problem ili kad su žalosna. Posve je prirodno da ih nastoje zaštititi. No spomenute situacije roditeljima su zapravo pružile mogućnost da djecu pouče nečemu važnom — da se trebaju odgovorno ponašati. Naravno, odgovorno ponašanje za četverogodišnjeg dječaka znači jedno, a za 13-godišnju djevojčicu drugo. Roditelji se moraju pomiriti s činjenicom da neće uvijek moći štititi djecu od problema. S vremenom će dijete “ostaviti oca svojega i majku svoju” te će morati “nositi svoj teret” odgovornosti (1. Mojsijeva 2:24; Galaćanima 6:5). Da bi djecu naučili brinuti se za sebe, roditelji im moraju pomoći da odrastu u nesebične, obzirne i odgovorne osobe. To nije nimalo lak zadatak! Ipak, dobro je znati da roditeljima može pomoći Isusov izvrstan primjer. Oni mogu puno naučiti iz načina na koji je on poučavao svoje učenike. Istina, Isus nije imao djecu. No dok je birao i poučavao svoje učenike, cilj mu je bio osposobiti ih da čak i nakon njegovog odlaska izvršavaju djelo koje je on započeo (Matej 28:19, 20). Isus je u tome uspio i zbog toga je dobar primjer roditeljima. Naime svaki se roditelj nada da će postići nešto slično — pomoći djeci da postanu odgovorne osobe. Razmotrit ćemo tri područja u kojima se roditelji mogu ugledati na Isusa. Budite dobar primjer. Pretkraj svog života Isus je učenicima rekao: “Dao sam vam primjer da i vi činite onako kako sam ja učinio vama” (Ivan 13:15). Slično tome roditelji trebaju djeci objasniti i primjerom pokazati što znači biti odgovorna osoba. Upitajte se: “Imam li običaj pozitivno govoriti o svojim obavezama? Dajem li do znanja da mi pomaganje drugima pruža zadovoljstvo? Da li se često žalim i uspoređujem s onima koji naizgled žive lagodnije?” Istina, nitko nije savršen. Svi se ponekad osjećamo preopterećenima. No svojim ćete primjerom djeci vjerojatno najbolje pokazati koliko je važno odgovorno se ponašati. PRIJEDLOG: Ako je moguće, ponekad povedite dijete na posao i pokažite mu što sve radite kako biste uzdržavali obitelj. Kad pomažete nekome ili sudjelujete u volonterskim aktivnostima, sa sobom povedite i dijete. Nakon toga razgovarajte o zadovoljstvu koje osjećate kad pomažete drugima i izvršavate svoje obaveze (Djela apostolska 20:35). Imajte realna očekivanja. Isus je znao da će proći neko vrijeme prije nego njegovi učenici budu spremni preuzeti odgovornost koju im je namjeravao povjeriti. Jednom im je rekao: “Još vam imam mnogo toga reći, ali sada ne možete nositi” (Ivan 16:12). Isus nije od svojih učenika odmah tražio da nešto učine sami, bez njegove pomoći. Naprotiv, dugo ih je vremena poučavao. Tek kad se uvjerio da su spremni, dao im je zadatak koji su trebali sami izvršiti. Slično tome ne bi bilo razumno da roditelji od djece očekuju da preuzmu odgovornosti odraslih prije nego što budu spremna za to. No kako djeca rastu, tako im roditelji trebaju povjeravati obaveze i dužnosti koje smatraju prikladnima za njihovu dob. Naprimjer trebaju ih poučiti da paze na osobnu higijenu, pospremaju svoju sobu, budu točna i razborito troše novac. Kad dijete krene u školu, roditelji mu trebaju objasniti da od njega očekuju da bude savjestan i odgovoran učenik. Nije dovoljno da roditelji samo kažu djeci što trebaju napraviti nego im trebaju i pružiti pomoć. Marin, kojeg smo spomenuli na početku, uvidio je da je njegov sin bio uznemiren djelomično zato što mu se pospremanje igračaka činilo preteškim zadatkom. On kaže: “Umjesto da vičem na Matiju, naučio sam ga kako pospremati igračke.” Što je Marin konkretno učinio? “Najprije sam odredio vrijeme za pospremanje igračaka”, kaže on. “Zatim smo Matija i ja svake večeri zajedno pospremali dio po dio sobe. Pokušao sam taj zadatak učiniti zabavnim, pa smo se natjecali tko će biti brži. Uskoro nam je to postala navika. Obećao sam Matiji da ću mu pročitati jednu priču više ako brzo pospremi igračke. No znao je da ćemo kraće čitati ako bude odugovlačio.” PRIJEDLOG: Razmislite koje bi kućanske poslove svako vaše dijete moglo preuzeti i tako vam pomoći. Pitajte se: “Da li još uvijek za svoje dijete obavljam poslove koje bi ono već moglo samo napraviti?” Ako to činite, počnite takve poslove raditi zajedno s djetetom dok ih ne nauči samo obavljati. Dajte mu do znanja da o načinu na koji obavlja neki posao ovisi hoćete li ga nagraditi ili kazniti. Zatim se držite onoga što ste rekli. Dajte djetetu konkretne upute. Kao svaki dobar učitelj, Isus je znao da je praksa puno djelotvornija od teorije. Zato je svoje učenike poslao u propovijedanje kad je smatrao da su spremni za to. Poslao ih je “dva po dva pred sobom u svaki grad i mjesto u koje je sam mislio doći” (Luka 10:1). No nije očekivao da se sami snalaze. Prije nego ih je poslao, dao im je konkretne upute (Luka 10:2-12). Kad su se učenici vratili i pričali o lijepim rezultatima koje su postigli, Isus ih je pohvalio i ohrabrio (Luka 10:17-24). Pokazao je da cijeni njihov trud i da ima povjerenja u njih. Kako reagirate kad se vaše dijete nađe pred zahtjevnim zadatkom? Nastojite li ga zaštititi od onoga čega se boji kako biste ga poštedjeli mogućeg razočaranja ili neuspjeha? Možda ga istog trena poželite “spasiti” ili pokušate preuzeti teret na sebe. Razmislite o sljedećem: Ako uvijek na neki način “spašavate” svoje dijete, što mu time govorite? Pokazujete li da imate povjerenja u njega i njegove sposobnosti? Ne govorite li mu time da ga zapravo još uvijek smatrate bespomoćnim djetetom koje se u svemu mora oslanjati na vas? Kako je Ema, koju smo spomenuli ranije, reagirala na problem svoje kćeri? Nije se miješala, nego je potaknula Dijanu da sama razgovara s nastavnicom. Njih dvije zajedno su sastavile popis pitanja koji je Dijana potom odnijela u školu. Razgovarale su o tome kada bi bilo dobro obratiti se nastavnici. Čak su isprobavale kako bi razgovor mogao teći. Ema kaže: “Dijana je skupila hrabrost da se obrati nastavnici, a ona ju je za to pohvalila. Dijana je bila ponosna na sebe, a i ja sam bila ponosna na nju.” PRIJEDLOG: Zapišite problem s kojim se vaše dijete trenutno suočava. Pored toga napišite što biste mogli napraviti da mu pomognete, a da ne krenete u “akciju spašavanja”. S djetetom vježbajte svaki korak koji bi ono trebalo napraviti kako bi se problem riješio. Dajte mu do znanja da imate povjerenja u njega. Ako dijete uvijek štitite od problema, moglo bi se dogoditi da ono nikad ne nauči uhvatiti se u koštac s njima. Umjesto toga odgajajte ga tako da bude spremno preuzeti svoje odgovornosti i tako jačajte njegov karakter. Bit će to jedan od najvrednijih darova koje možete dati svom djetetu. ^ odl. 3 Imena su promijenjena. RAZMISLITE... Jesam li realan u onome što očekujem od svog djeteta? Da li mu objasnim i primjerom pokažem što bi bilo dobro napraviti? Kad sam posljednji put ohrabrio ili pohvalio svoje dijete?