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140.15 140.16 140.17 140.18 140.19 140.20 140.21 140.22 140.23 140.24 140.25 140.26 140.27 140.28 140.29 140.30 140.31 140.32 140.33 141.1 141.2 141.3 141.4 141.5 141.6 141.7 141.8 141.9 141.10 141.11 141.12 141.13 141.14 141.15 141.16 141.17 141.18 141.19 141.20 141.21 141.22 141.23 141.24 141.25 141.26 141.27 141.28 142.1 142.2 142.3 142.4 142.5 142.6 142.7 142.8 142.9 142.10 142.11 142.12 142.13 142.14 143.1 144.1 145.1 145.2 145.3 145.4 145.5 145.6 145.7 145.8 145.9 145.10 145.11 145.12 145.13 145.14 145.15 145.16 145.17 145.18 145.19 145.20 145.21 146.1 146.2 146.3 146.4 146.5 146.6 146.7 146.8 146.9 146.10 146.11 146.12 146.13 146.14 146.15 146.16 146.17 146.18 146.19 146.20 146.21 146.22 146.23 146.24 146.25 146.26 146.27 147.1 147.2 147.3 147.4 147.5 147.6 147.7 147.8 147.9 147.10 147.11 147.12 147.13 147.14 147.15 147.16 147.17 147.18 147.19 147.20 147.21 147.22 147.23 147.24 147.25 147.26 147.27 147.28 147.29 147.30 147.31 147.32 147.33 147.34 147.35 148.1 148.2 148.3 148.4 148.5 148.6 148.7 148.8 148.9 148.10 148.11 148.12 148.13 148.14 148.15 148.16 148.17 148.18 148.19 148.20 148.21 148.22 148.23 148.24 148.25 148.26 148.27 148.28 149.1 149.2 149.3 149.4 149.5 149.6 149.7 149.8 149.9 149.10 149.11 149.12 149.13 149.14 149.15 149.16 149.17 149.18 149.19 149.20 149.21 149.22 149.23 149.24 149.25 149.26 149.27 149.28 150.1 150.2 150.3 150.4 150.5 150.6 150.7 150.8 150.9 150.10 150.11 150.12 150.13 150.14 150.15 150.16 150.17 150.18 150.19 150.20 150.21 150.22 150.23 150.24 150.25 150.26 150.27 151.1 151.2 151.3 151.4 151.5 151.6 151.7 151.8 151.9 151.10 151.11 151.12 151.13 151.14 151.15 151.16 151.17 151.18 151.19 151.20 151.21 151.22 151.23 152.1 152.2 152.3 152.4 152.5 152.6 152.7 152.8 152.9 152.10 152.11 152.12 152.13 152.14 152.15 152.16 152.17 152.18 152.19 152.20 152.21 152.22 152.23 152.24 152.25 152.26 152.27 152.28 152.29 152.30 152.31 152.32 152.33 152.34 153.1 153.2 153.3 153.4 153.5 153.6 153.7 153.8 153.9 153.10 153.11 153.12 153.13 153.14 153.15 153.16 153.17 153.18 153.19 153.20 153.21 153.22 153.23 153.24 153.25 153.26 153.27 153.28 153.29 154.1 154.2 154.3 154.4 154.5 154.6 154.7 154.8 154.9 154.10 154.11 154.12 154.13 154.14 154.15 154.16 154.17 154.18 154.19 154.20 154.21 154.22 154.23 154.24 154.25 154.26 154.27 154.28 154.29 154.30 154.31 154.32 154.33 154.34 154.35 154.36 154.37 155.1 155.2 155.3 155.4 155.5 155.6 155.7 155.8 155.9 155.10 155.11 155.12 155.13 155.14 155.15 155.16 155.17 155.18 155.19 155.20 155.21 155.22 155.23 155.24 155.25 155.26 155.27 155.28 155.29 155.30 155.31 155.32 155.33 155.34 155.35 156.1 156.2 156.3 156.4 156.5 156.6 156.7 156.8 156.9 156.10 156.11 156.12 156.13 156.14 156.15 156.16 156.17 156.18 156.19 156.20 156.21 156.22 156.23 156.24 157.1 157.2 157.3 157.4 157.5 157.6 157.7 157.8 157.9 157.10 157.11 157.12 157.13 158.1 158.2 158.3 159.1 159.2 159.3 159.4 159.5 159.6 159.7 159.8 160.1 160.2 161.1 162.1 162.2 162.3 162.4 162.5 162.6 162.7 163.1 163.2 163.3 163.4 163.5 163.6 163.7 163.8 163.9 163.10 163.11 163.12 163.13 163.14 163.15 163.16 163.17 163.18 163.19 163.20 163.21 163.22 163.23 163.24 163.25 163.26 163.27 163.28 163.29 163.30 163.31 164.1 164.2 164.3 164.4 164.5 164.6 164.7 164.8 164.9 164.10 164.11 164.12 164.13 164.14 164.15 164.16 164.17 164.18 164.19 164.20 164.21 164.22 164.23 164.24 164.25 164.26 164.27 164.28 165.1 165.2 165.3 165.4 165.5 165.6 165.7 165.8 165.9 165.10 165.11 165.12 165.13 165.14 165.15 165.16 165.17 165.18 165.19 165.20 165.21 165.22 165.23 165.24 165.25 165.26 165.27 165.28 165.29 165.30 165.31 165.32 166.1 166.2 166.3 166.4 166.5 166.6 166.7 166.8 166.9 166.10 166.11 166.12 166.13 166.14 166.15 167.1 167.2 168.1 168.2 168.3 168.4 169.1 169.2 169.3 170.1 170.2 170.3 170.4 170.5 170.6 170.7 170.8 170.9 170.10 170.11 170.12 170.13 170.14 170.15 170.16 170.17 170.18 170.19 170.20 170.21 170.22 171.1 171.2 171.3 171.4 171.5 171.6 171.7 171.8 171.9 171.10 171.11 171.12 171.13 171.14 171.15 171.16 171.17 171.18 171.19 171.20 171.21 171.22 171.23 171.24 171.25 171.26 171.27 171.28 171.29 171.30 171.31 171.32 172.1 172.2 172.3 172.4 172.5 172.6 172.7 172.8 172.9 172.10 172.11 172.12 172.13 172.14 172.15 172.16 172.17 172.18 172.19 172.20 172.21 172.22 172.23 172.24 172.25 172.26 172.27 172.28 172.29 172.30 172.31 172.32 172.33 173.1 173.2 174.1 174.2 174.3 174.4 174.5 175.1 175.2 175.3 175.4 175.5 175.6 175.7 175.8 175.9 175.10 175.11 175.12 175.13 175.14 175.15 175.16 175.17 175.18 175.19 175.20 175.21 175.22 175.23 175.24 175.25 175.26 175.27 175.28 175.29 175.30 175.31 175.32 175.33 175.34 175.35 176.1 176.2 176.3 176.4 176.5 176.6 176.7 176.8 176.9 176.10 176.11 176.12 176.13 176.14 176.15 176.16 176.17 176.18 176.19 176.20 176.21 176.22 176.23 176.24 176.25 176.26 176.27 176.28 176.29 176.30 176.31 176.32 176.33 176.34 176.35 176.36 176.37 176.38 177.1 177.2 177.3 177.4 177.5 177.6 177.7 177.8 177.9 177.10 177.11 177.12 177.13 177.14 177.15 177.16 177.17 177.18 177.19 177.20 177.21 177.22 177.23 177.24 177.25 177.26 177.27 177.28 177.29 177.30 177.31 177.32 178.1 178.2 178.3 178.4 178.5 178.6 178.7 178.8 178.9 178.10 179.1 180.1 181.1 181.2 181.3 181.4 181.5 181.6 181.7 181.8 181.9 181.10 181.11 181.12 181.13 181.14 181.15 181.16 181.17 181.18 181.19 181.20 181.21 181.22 181.23 181.24 181.25 182.1 182.2 182.3 182.4 182.5 182.6 182.7 182.8 182.9 182.10 182.11 182.12 182.13 182.14 182.15 182.16 182.17 182.18 182.19 182.20 182.21 182.22 182.23 182.24 182.25 182.26 182.27 183.1 183.2 183.3 183.4 184.1 184.2 184.3 185.1 185.2 185.3 185.4 185.5 185.6 185.7 185.8 185.9 185.10 185.11 185.12 185.13 185.14 185.15 185.16 185.17 185.18 185.19 185.20 185.21 185.22 185.23 186.1 186.2 186.3 186.4 186.5 186.6 186.7 186.8 186.9 186.10 186.11 186.12 186.13 186.14 186.15 186.16 186.17 186.18 186.19 186.20 186.21 186.22 186.23 186.24 186.25 186.26 186.27 186.28 186.29 186.30 187.1 187.2 187.3 187.4 187.5 187.6 187.7 187.8 187.9 187.10 187.11 187.12 187.13 187.14 187.15 187.16 187.17 187.18 187.19 187.20 187.21 187.22 187.23 187.24 187.25 187.26 188.1 188.2 188.3 188.4 188.5 188.6 188.7 188.8 188.9 188.10 188.11 188.12 188.13 188.14 188.15 188.16 188.17 188.18 188.19 188.20 188.21 188.22 188.23 188.24 188.25 188.26 188.27 188.28 188.29 188.30 188.31 188.32 188.33 188.34 188.35 188.36 188.37 188.38 188.39 188.40 188.41 188.42 189.1 189.2 189.3 189.4 189.5 189.6 189.7 189.8 189.9 189.10 189.11 189.12 189.13 189.14 189.15 189.16 189.17 189.18 189.19 189.20 189.21 189.22 189.23 189.24 189.25 189.26 189.27 189.28 189.29 189.30 189.31 189.32 189.33 189.34 189.35 189.36 190.1 190.2 190.3 190.4 190.5 190.6 190.7 190.8 190.9 190.10 190.11 190.12 190.13 190.14 190.15 190.16 190.17 190.18 190.19 191.1 191.2 191.3 191.4 192.1 192.2 192.3 192.4 192.5 192.6 192.7 192.8 192.9 192.10 192.11 192.12 193.1 193.2 193.3 193.4 193.5 193.6 193.7 193.8 193.9 193.10 193.11 193.12 193.13 193.14 193.15 193.16 193.17 193.18 193.19 193.20 193.21 193.22 194.1 195.1 195.2 195.3 195.4 195.5 195.6 196.1 196.2 196.3 196.4 196.5 196.6 197.1 197.2 197.3 197.4 197.5 197.6 197.7 197.8 197.9 197.10 197.11 197.12 197.13 197.14 197.15 197.16 197.17 197.18 197.19 197.20 197.21 197.22 197.23 197.24 197.25 197.26 197.27 197.28 197.29 197.30 197.31 197.32 197.33 197.34 197.35 197.36 197.37 197.38 197.39 198.1 198.2 198.3 198.4 198.5 198.6 198.7 198.8 198.9 198.10 198.11 198.12 198.13 198.14 198.15 198.16 198.17 198.18 198.19 199.1 199.2 199.3 199.4 199.5 199.6 199.7 200.1 200.2 200.3 200.4 200.5 200.6 200.7 200.8 200.9 200.10 200.11 200.12 200.13 200.14 200.15 200.16 200.17 200.18 200.19 200.20 200.21 200.22 200.23 200.24 200.25 200.26 200.27 200.28 200.29 200.30 200.31 200.32 200.33 200.34 200.35 200.36 200.37 200.38 201.1 201.2 201.3 201.4 201.5 201.6 201.7 201.8 201.9 201.10 201.11 201.12 201.13 201.14 201.15 201.16 201.17 201.18 201.19 201.20 201.21 201.22 201.23 201.24 201.25 201.26 201.27 201.28 201.29 201.30 201.31 201.32 201.33 201.34 201.35 201.36 201.37 201.38 201.39 201.40 201.41 201.42 201.43 202.1 202.2 202.3 202.4 202.5 202.6 202.7 202.8 202.9 202.10 202.11 202.12 202.13 202.14 202.15 202.16 202.17 202.18 202.19 202.20 202.21 202.22 202.23 202.24 202.25 202.26 202.27 202.28 203.1 203.2 203.3 203.4 203.5 203.6 203.7 203.8 203.9 203.10 203.11 203.12 203.13 203.14 203.15 203.16 204.1 204.2 205.1 206.1 207.1 207.2 207.3 207.4 207.5 207.6 207.7 207.8 207.9 207.10 207.11 207.12 207.13 207.14 207.15 207.16 207.17 207.18 207.19 207.20 207.21 207.22 207.23 207.24 207.25 208.1 208.2 208.3 208.4 208.5 208.6 208.7 208.8 208.9 208.10 208.11 208.12 208.13 208.14 208.15 208.16 208.17 208.18 208.19 208.20 208.21 208.22 208.23 208.24 208.25 208.26 208.27 208.28 208.29 208.30 209.1 209.2 209.3 209.4 209.5 209.6 209.7 209.8 209.9 209.10 209.11 209.12 209.13 209.14 209.15 209.16 209.17 209.18 209.19 209.20 209.21 209.22 209.23 209.24 209.25 209.26 209.27 209.28 209.29 209.30 209.31 210.1 210.2 210.3 210.4 210.5 210.6 210.7 210.8 210.9 210.10 210.11 210.12 210.13 210.14 210.15 210.16 210.17 210.18 210.19 210.20 210.21 210.22 210.23 210.24 210.25 210.26 210.27 210.28 210.29 210.30 210.31 210.32 210.33 210.34 210.35 210.36 211.1 211.2 211.3 211.4 211.5 211.6 211.7 211.8 211.9 211.10 211.11 211.12 211.13 211.14 211.15 211.16 211.17 211.18 211.19 211.20 211.21 211.22 211.23 211.24 211.25 211.26 211.27 211.28 211.29 211.30 212.1 212.2 212.3 212.4 212.5 212.6 212.7 212.8 212.9 212.10 212.11 212.12 212.13 212.14 212.15 212.16 212.17 212.18 212.19 212.20 212.21 212.22 212.23 212.24 212.25 212.26 212.27 212.28 212.29 212.30 212.31 212.32 213.1 213.2 213.3 213.4 213.5 213.6 213.7 213.8 213.9 213.10 213.11 213.12 213.13 213.14 213.15 213.16 213.17 213.18 213.19 213.20 213.21 213.22 213.23 213.24 213.25 213.26 213.27 213.28 213.29 213.30 213.31 213.32 213.33 213.34 214.1 214.2 214.3 214.4 214.5 214.6 214.7 214.8 214.9 214.10 214.11 214.12 214.13 214.14 214.15 214.16 214.17 214.18 214.19 214.20 214.21 214.22 214.23 214.24 214.25 214.26 214.27 214.28 214.29 214.30 214.31 214.32 214.33 214.34 214.35 215.1 215.2 215.3 215.4 215.5 215.6 215.7 215.8 215.9 215.10 215.11 215.12 215.13 215.14 215.15 215.16 215.17 215.18 215.19 215.20 215.21 215.22 215.23 215.24 215.25 216.1 217.1 218.1 219.1 220.1 220.2 221.1 221.2 221.3 222.1 222.2 222.3 222.4 222.5 222.6 222.7 222.8 222.9 222.10 222.11 222.12 222.13 222.14 222.15 222.16 222.17 222.18 222.19 222.20 223.1 223.2 223.3 223.4 223.5 223.6 223.7 223.8 223.9 223.10 223.11 223.12 223.13 223.14 223.15 223.16 223.17 223.18 223.19 223.20 223.21 223.22 223.23 223.24 223.25 223.26 223.27 223.28 223.29 223.30 224.1 225.1 225.2 226.1 226.2 227.1 227.2 228.1 228.2 228.3 228.4 228.5 228.6 228.7 228.8 228.9 228.10 228.11 229.1 229.2 229.3 229.4 229.5 229.6 229.7 229.8 229.9 229.10 229.11 229.12 229.13 229.14 229.15 229.16 229.17 229.18 229.19 229.20 230.1 230.2 230.3 230.4 230.5 230.6 230.7 230.8 230.9 230.10 230.11 230.12 230.13 230.14 230.15 230.16 230.17 230.18 230.19 230.20 230.21 230.22 230.23 230.24 230.25 230.26 230.27 230.28 230.29 230.30 230.31 231.1 231.2 231.3 231.4 231.5 231.6 231.7 231.8 231.9 231.10 231.11 231.12 231.13 231.14 231.15 231.16 231.17 231.18 231.19 231.20 231.21 231.22 231.23 231.24 231.25 231.26 231.27 231.28 231.29 231.30 231.31 231.32 231.33 231.34 232.1 232.2 232.3 232.4 232.5 232.6 232.7 232.8 232.9 232.10 232.11 232.12 232.13 232.14 232.15 232.16 232.17 232.18 232.19 232.20 232.21 232.22 232.23 232.24 232.25 232.26 232.27 232.28 232.29 232.30 232.31 232.32 232.33 232.34 233.1 233.2 233.3 233.4 233.5 233.6 233.7 233.8 233.9 233.10 233.11 233.12 233.13 233.14 233.15 233.16 233.17 233.18 233.19 233.20 233.21 233.22 233.23 233.24 233.25 233.26 233.27 233.28 233.29 233.30 233.31 233.32 233.33 233.34 234.1 234.2 234.3 234.4 234.5 234.6 234.7 234.8 234.9 234.10 234.11 234.12 234.13 234.14 234.15 234.16 234.17 234.18 234.19 234.20 234.21 234.22 234.23 234.24 234.25 234.26 234.27 234.28 234.29 234.30 234.31 234.32 234.33 234.34 234.35 234.36 234.37 234.38 234.39 234.40 234.41 234.42 234.43 234.44 234.45 234.46 235.1 235.2 235.3 235.4 235.5 235.6 235.7 235.8 235.9 235.10 235.11 235.12 235.13 235.14 235.15 235.16 235.17 235.18 235.19 235.20 235.21 235.22 235.23 235.24 235.25 235.26 235.27 235.28 235.29 235.30 235.31 235.32 235.33 235.34 235.35 235.36 235.37 235.38 235.39 235.40 235.41 235.42 236.1 236.2 236.3 236.4 236.5 236.6 236.7 236.8 236.9 236.10 236.11 236.12 236.13 236.14 236.15 236.16 236.17 236.18 236.19 236.20 236.21 236.22 236.23 236.24 236.25 236.26 236.27 236.28 236.29 236.30 236.31 236.32 236.33 236.34 236.35 236.36 236.37 236.38 236.39 236.40 236.41 237.1 237.2 237.3 237.4 237.5 237.6 237.7 237.8 237.9 237.10 237.11 237.12 237.13 237.14 237.15 237.16 237.17 237.18 237.19 237.20 237.21 237.22 237.23 237.24 237.25 237.26 237.27 237.28 237.29 237.30 237.31 237.32 237.33 238.1 239.1 240.1 240.2 240.3 240.4 240.5 240.6 240.7 240.8 240.9 240.10 240.11 240.12 240.13 240.14 240.15 240.16 240.17 240.18 240.19 240.20 240.21 240.22 240.23 241.1 241.2 242.1 242.2 243.1 244.1 244.2 244.3 244.4 244.5 245.1 245.2 246.1 246.2 246.3 246.4 246.5 246.6 246.7 246.8 246.9 246.10 246.11 246.12 246.13 246.14 246.15 246.16 246.17 246.18 246.19 246.20 247.1 247.2 247.3 247.4 247.5 247.6 247.7 247.8 247.9 247.10 247.11 247.12 247.13 247.14 247.15 247.16 247.17 247.18 247.19 247.20 247.21 247.22 247.23 247.24 247.25 248.1 248.2 248.3 248.4 248.5 248.6 248.7 248.8 248.9 248.10 248.11 248.12 248.13 248.14 248.15 248.16 248.17 248.18 248.19 248.20 248.21 248.22 248.23 248.24 248.25 248.26 248.27 248.28 248.29 249.1 249.2 249.3 249.4 249.5 249.6 249.7 249.8 249.9 249.10 249.11 249.12 249.13 249.14 249.15 249.16 249.17 249.18 249.19 249.20 249.21 249.22 249.23 249.24 249.25 249.26 249.27 249.28 250.1 250.2 251.1 251.2 252.1 252.2 253.1 253.2 253.3 253.4 253.5 253.6 253.7 253.8 253.9 253.10 253.11 253.12 253.13 253.14 253.15 253.16 253.17 253.18 253.19 254.1 254.2 254.3 254.4 254.5 254.6 254.7 254.8 254.9 254.10 254.11 254.12 254.13 254.14 254.15 254.16 254.17 254.18 254.19 254.20 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172 Pages • 96,315 Words • PDF • 1 MB This document was submitted by our user and they confirm that they have the consent to share it. Assuming that you are writer or own the copyright of this document, report to us by using this DMCA report button. Copyright © 2013 by M. E. Thomas All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Crown Publishers, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York. www.crownpublishing.com CROWN and the Crown colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Thomas, M. E. Confessions of a sociopath : a life spent hiding in plain sight / M. E. Thomas. p. cm. Antisocial personality disorders. Psychopaths. Title. eISBN: 978-0-307-95666-8 Jacket design by Keenan Jacket photograph: David H. Lewis v3.1 To Ann, who was my Virgil CONTENTS Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication AUTHOR’S NOTE PSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION EXCERPT I’m a Sociopath and So Are You 2. Diagnosis: Sociopath 3. We’re Creepy and We’re Kooky 4. Little Sociopath in the Big World 5. I’m a Child of God 6. Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers 7. Emotions and the Fine Art of Ruining People 8. Love Me Not 9. Raising Cain Epilogue ACKNOWLEDGMENTS AUTHOR’S NOTE This book is a work of memoir. It is a true story according to my best recollections; however, in addition to the inevitable aws of memory, this story is told through the lens of how I see the world, including my megalomania, single-minded focus, and a lack of understanding about the inner worlds of others. I have chosen to publish this book under a pseudonym, and I have changed the names and identifying characteristics of my family and friends and certain other people mentioned in the book to protect their privacy. In some instances, I disguised settings and rearranged and/or compressed events and time periods in service of the narrative. Otherwise, this is a true and honest account and I have not knowingly misrepresented any material facts. Psychological Evaluation Excerpt Ms. Thomas is a 30-year-old Caucasian female seeking an assessment of her personality, particularly in regards to the presence or absence of psychopathic traits. Across multiple self-report inventories tapping both normal-range and pathological personality characteristics, Ms. Thomas scored beyond the 99th percentile of the community normative data. Her presentation in many regards could be considered that of a prototypical psychopathic personality. Additionally, the results of the PCL:SV assessment largely converge with this description, particularly in regards to the affective and interpersonal features displayed by Ms. Thomas, such as a pronounced lack of empathy, a ruthless and calculating attitude towards social and interpersonal relationships, and a relative immunity to experiencing negative emotions. Most notable in Ms. Thomas’s clinical presentation … were pronounced elevations on scales tapping antisocial and psychopathic traits (particularly egocentricism and sensation-seeking characteristics), interpersonal dominance, verbal aggression, and excessive self-esteem, as well as very low scores on measures tapping negative affective experiences (e.g., phobias, traumatic stressors, depressive symptoms), interpersonal nurturance and stressful life events. Here again, her overall profile reflected a constellation of personality characteristics and interpersonal style highly consistent with current conceptualizations of psychopathy. Although cognizant that she is “different” from most people she knows in terms of her personality structure, Ms. Thomas does not view herself as “disordered” in the sense of suffering from a form of mental illness per se. Quite the contrary, she seems content with her lifestyle and its current trajectory and rather blasé about many issues and concerns that might cause others some degree of uncertainty or distress. Of course, such attitudes are emblematic of individuals who are highly psychopathic. By all accounts Ms. Thomas has thus far experienced relatively few objective (or subjective) negative consequences associated with being highly psychopathic—and in many regards appears to have excelled across various life domains (e.g., academic, occupational). This suggests that one might describe her as a “socialized” or “successful” psychopath, or at least a relatively non-maladaptive variant of this personality pattern. —JOHN F. EDENS, PhD, Professor, Department of Psychology, Texas A&M University Chapter 1 I’M A SOCIOPATH AND SO ARE YOU If my life were a television show it would start like this: It’s a pleasantly warm summer day in a beautiful southern clime. Sunlight glints o ripples in the pool. The sliding door opens with a gentle rumble. A young woman steps out in her ip- ops and a black Speedo swimming suit. Her dark hair hits just below muscular swimmer’s shoulders. Her skin is darkly tan from lifeguarding at the local municipal pool. She is neither pretty nor ugly, of medium build and with no prominent features. She looks like an athlete; there’s a clumsy tomboyishness about the way she moves, an emotional disconnect with her body. She does not appear to have any feelings about her body, good or bad. She is used to being near-naked, the way athletes are. Today she is giving a private swim lesson. She flings a towel on a deck chair and kicks o her sandals. There’s a casual recklessness about the way she does these things, as if letting loose wayward objects into the world with abandon. That’s when she notices the ripples on the surface of the water. She sees that there is something moving in the pool. It is so small that she doesn’t recognize it until she’s close—a baby opossum, probably only a week old, its tiny pink paws frantically paddling, its even tinier pink nose struggling above the surface of the water. The poor thing must have fallen into the pool in the night. It is too little to thrust its tiny body up and over the nearest ledge. The baby’s muscles quake with exhaustion. Even its tiny sparkling eyes look tired; it is on the brink of succumbing to fatigue. The young woman moves quickly, sliding her sandals back on, and pauses for a moment at the top of the deck. She grabs a net and heads toward the opossum. The camera cuts in as the net lowers, dipping into the surface of the water, catching the baby opossum under the belly just in front of its hind legs. With a quick, almost e ortless movement, the net drags the opossum under the surface until its head is fully submerged. The animal thrashes, its tired body now alert to a new threat. It struggles loudly, whimpering and squealing, until it nally manages to free its hindquarters from the lip of the net. But it’s barely able to gasp a breath before the net comes down again. The angle of the net is awkward though, and the animal is able to writhe out of its trap. The young woman sighs, and the net is lifted. The baby opossum feels relief wash over it for a fraction of a second, only to resume its desperate paddling against the water. The young woman drops the net on the ground, grabs her towel, and heads back inside. Moments later she is on the phone with her private student—today’s lesson is canceled; there is something wrong with the pool. She grabs her keys, ings her front door open, and skips down the stairs to the muscle car that she’s been driving since her sixteenth birthday. The V-8 engine stutters for just a moment, then roars to life. She slams the transmission into reverse, just barely dodging the other cars in the driveway, then takes off, ready to make the most of a newly free summer afternoon. When she returns home at dusk she sees a dark shadow at the bottom of the pool. She grabs the same net, manages to scoop up the small bundle on the rst try, and pitches it over the fence into her neighbor’s yard. She drops an extra chlorine tablet into the pool and heads inside. The camera lingers on the placid pool, no longer interrupted by frantic waves. Fade to black. I am a sociopath. Through dual quirks of genetics and environment, I su er from what psychologists now refer to as antisocial personality disorder, characterized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) as “a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others.” Key among the characteristics of the diagnosis are a lack of remorse, a penchant for deceit, and a failure to conform to social norms. I prefer to de ne my sociopathy as a set of traits that inform my personality but don’t de ne me: I am generally free of entangling and irrational emotions, I am strategic and canny, I am intelligent and con dent and charming, but I also struggle to react appropriately to other people’s confusing and emotion-driven social cues. Psychopathy and sociopathy are terms with an intertwined clinical history, and they are largely now used interchangeably, though some academics distinguish between the two based on genetics, aggression, or other factors. I have chosen to call myself a sociopath because of the negative connotations of psycho in the popular culture. I may have a disorder, but I am not crazy. I can trace the likely genetic link through my father to his birth father, who was known for being an exceptionally cold man. My grandfather’s heavily scarred face attested to his impulsiveness and penchant for risk taking and violence. He was literally a rocket scientist but fancied himself a cowboy. He spent all of his inherited wealth on a ranch that he ran into the ground, then lost to back taxes. He knocked up my grandmother and was forced into an unwanted marriage that ended quite suddenly just months after my father was born. He gave up parental rights and never saw my father again. I don’t know anything about my paternal great-grandparents, although my guess is that the apple did not fall far from the tree. My upbringing promoted my genetic propensities, but not in the ways that you would expect from watching television or movie depictions of a sociopath. I was not a victim of child abuse, and I am not a murderer or a criminal. I have never skulked behind prison walls; I prefer mine to be covered in ivy. I am an accomplished attorney and law professor. I am a typical well-respected, young academic, regularly writing for law journals and advancing various legal theories. I donate 10 percent of my income to charity and teach Sunday school every week. I have a close circle of family and friends whom I love and who very much love me. Does any of this sound like you? Maybe you are a sociopath too. Recent estimates say that 1 percent to 4 percent of the population, or one in every twenty- ve people, is a sociopath—that’s higher than the percentage of people who have anorexia or autism. You’re not a serial killer? Never imprisoned? Most of us aren’t. Some of you may be surprised to nd that it is no defense that you’re not a criminal. Only 20 percent of male and female prison inmates are sociopaths, although we are probably responsible for about half of serious crimes committed. Nor are most sociopaths incarcerated. In fact, the silent majority of sociopaths lives freely and anonymously in society, holding down jobs, getting married, having children— tting in with varying degrees of success in a culture that easily considers sociopaths as monsters. Who then are sociopaths? We are legion and diverse. At least one of them looks like me. Does one of them look like you? Do you have plenty of friends, paramours, or admirers? That doesn’t disqualify you; in fact quite the opposite. Despite our bad reputation, sociopaths are categorically known for our exceptional, albeit super cial, charm. In a world lled with gloomy, mediocre nothings populating a go-nowhere rat race, people are attracted to the sociopath’s exceptionalism like moths to a flame. You would like me if you met me. I am quite con dent about that because I have met a statistically signi cant sample size of the population and they were all susceptible to my charms. I have the kind of smile that is common among television show characters and rare in real life, perfect in its sparkly-teeth dimensions and ability to express pleasant invitation. I’m the sort of date you would love to bring to your ex’s wedding. Fun, exciting, the perfect o ce escort—your boss’s wife has never met anyone quite so charming. And I’m just the right amount of smart and successful so that your parents would be thrilled if you brought me home. Do you have an in ated view of yourself? I certainly seem to, don’t I? Sociopaths are known for having egos so full-bodied they could be considered Rubenesque. I exude con dence, much more than my looks or social stature would warrant. I am not very tall but present solidly with broad, strong shoulders and an angular jaw. My friends often remark on my toughness and swagger. But I am just as comfortable in summer dresses as I am in cowboy boots. Perhaps the most noticeable aspect of my con dence is the way I sustain eye contact. Some people have called it a “predator stare,” and it appears that most sociopaths have it. Sustained eye contact can seem hostile, and so zoo visitors are frequently advised not to stare at gorillas, lest it be taken as a sign of aggression. Most humans seem to think so, too; otherwise, staring contests wouldn’t present much of a challenge. Sociopaths are di erent. We are unfazed by uninterrupted eye contact. Our failure to look away politely is often perceived as being con dent, aggressive, seductive, or predatory. It can throw people o balance, but often in an exciting way that imitates the unsettling feeling of infatuation. Ever nd yourself using that charm and con dence to get people to do things for you that they otherwise wouldn’t? Some might call it manipulation, but I like to consider it simply using what God gave me. And the word manipulation is so ugly. It’s what people say to disavow their own choices. If they end up never regretting their decision, does that mean that no one has manipulated them? Manipulation is where the traits of a sociopath take a distinct turn for the nefarious in a lot of people’s minds, but I don’t see why. It is just ful lling an exchange. People want a particular thing—to please you, to feel wanted or needed, to be seen as a good person —and manipulation is just a quick and dirty way to get both people something they want. You might call it seduction. One of my sociopathic friends gave this example. One guy wants to sell a car for $5,000, the second wants to buy it for $10,000. I am aware of the two but neither is aware of the other. I buy the car for $5,000, sell it to the second guy for $10,000, and I make $5,000. It’s called arbitrage and happens on Wall Street (and a lot of other places) every day. We all get what we want, and we’re all happy, as long as the two never connect the dots and never learn more than they need to. I facilitate their ignorance for the benefit of all, especially myself. Indeed, I believe that most people who interact with sociopaths are better o than they otherwise would be. Sociopaths are part of the grease making the world go round. We ful ll fantasies, or at least the appearance of fantasies. In fact, we are sometimes the only ones attentive to providing for your deepest wants and needs, the only ones so deeply attuned to them for no ulterior motive immediately discernible by you. We observe our target and strive to become a facsimile of whatever or whoever that person wants—a good employee or boss or lover. It’s not always the case that the facsimile is malicious or ill intentioned. And it makes the target feel good for the course of the transaction and usually ends without harm. Of course everything comes at a price—we wouldn’t be doing it if we weren’t getting something from you, often money or power or simply even the enjoyment of your admiration and desire, but this certainly does not mean that you get nothing out of it. Maybe some might think the price is too high. But the truth is that if you’ve made a deal with the devil, it’s probably because no one else has offered you more favorable terms. What about morality? Do you approach questions of morality with ambivalence, nding it easy to justify your own or others’ behavior with a reference to “survival of the ttest”? People sometimes say that we lack remorse or guilt like it’s a bad thing. They are sure that remorse and guilt are necessary to being a “good” person. But there is probably no universal, and certainly no objective, morality. Despite millennia of arguments among theologians and philosophers, no one can really agree on the contours and parameters of morality. From where I stand, it’s hard to put such faith in something so wildly elastic and changeable, something associated with horrors as diverse as honor killings, “just” wars, and capital punishment. Like many people, I adhere to a religion that gives me moral guidance. The practice of it is just good sense— it keeps you out of prison and safely hidden in the crowd. But the heart of morality is something I have never understood. My view of morality is instrumental. I abide by conventional dictates when it suits me, and otherwise, I follow my own course with little need for justi cation. Once I helped two elderly Holocaust survivors ll out forms for restitution funds from the German government. They were a couple: a lovely blond woman in her late seventies or early eighties who obviously spent money on her clothes and her face, and an even older man with a shock of white hair on top of his head and the sense of entitlement that you often see in Los Angeles among aging Hollywood stars. His papers seemed to be more or less in order. At one point he even belligerently rolled up his sleeve to reveal a numeric tattoo that matched his paperwork. The woman’s papers were more confusing. She had dates from a previous restitution claim, but they didn’t really make sense when compared with the story she told me. According to her paperwork she was in and out of camps, which seemed unusually ine cient for the Germans. I didn’t really know what to put down on the form, so I stood and told her I would ask for help from the organizers sponsoring the event. She panicked, grabbed my arm, and sat me back down. What followed was a bit di cult to understand, given her old age, likely senility, and bad English. Pointing to one of the forms, she said, “This isn’t me.” A story of fraud and survival rolled out before me, if not from her actual words then from my own tendency to infer deceit. With her blond hair and blue eyes, no one had suspected her of being Jewish. She was able to “pass” for the duration of the war as a seamstress and then stole the documents that corroborated her story of time spent in camps from another young woman, who had died shortly after liberation. I think that was the gist, anyway; I made it a point not to ask any questions. I wonder if her husband even knew who she really was. I wonder if it was all a gment of her imagination, or mine. In any case, I felt no moral compunction about helping her ll out the forms. It was not my job to question her story, only to help her tell it. I was glad to do it, actually. I admired her. In the course of my travels, I had visited several Holocaust sites and been through the Anne Frank Achterhuis more times than I would have preferred. Visiting these places, I was always struck by the enormous passivity of most of the people involved: the neighbors, the townspeople, the camp guards, the fellow prisoners. Looking at the old woman, I could not help but recognize myself. A kindred spirit. She knew what it meant to be a survivor at all costs. An elaborate identity theft to rise from oppression. I could only hope to do so well in my own life. She was probably lucky to have been assigned to me rather than some other volunteer. It’s hard to know if someone else with a rmer moral compass might have asked more questions and availed themselves of more, and thus potentially incriminating, information. A compassionate person might think that she must have su ered during the war, if not in the same ways then for the same reasons as those the restitution was meant to help. She probably lived in constant fear of being discovered. Who knows whom she had to bribe, befriend, or seduce to maintain her freedom? But yet another might not want to help someone who helped herself by breaking the rules. Shouldn’t we be disgusted with those who game the system, accept government money when they’re not entitled to it, and are opportunistic about social safety nets? There might even be some judgment about her choice to capitalize on her Aryan looks to avoid su ering alongside her kin. But luckily for her there was no moral conundrum for me, and I sent them both on their way in time to catch a nice lunch. Are you good at making decisions on the y, sometimes to the consternation of your friends and family? Sociopaths are known for being spontaneous. I get restless; I nd it hard to focus on one project for a particular length of time or to keep a job for more than a few years. Sociopaths tend to crave stimulation and are easily bored, so we tend to make snap decisions. The darker side of impulsivity is that we can become xated on an impulse to the exclusion of all else, unable to listen to reason. Whereas most people experience impulsivity as hot-headedness, I become coldhearted. I have never killed anyone, but I have certainly wanted to, as I am sure most people have. I have rarely wanted to kill those close to me; more often it has been a chance encounter with someone who caused me consternation. Once while visiting Washington, DC, for a law conference, a metro worker tried to shame me about using an escalator that was closed. He asked in thickly accented English, “Didn’t you see the yellow gate?” ME: Yellow gate? HIM : The gate! I just put the gate up and you had to walk around it! Silence. My face is blank. HIM : That’s trespassing! Don’t you know it is wrong to trespass! The escalator was closed, you broke the law! I stare at him silently. HIM : [visibly rattled at my lack of reaction] Well, next time, you don’t trespass, okay? It was not okay. People often say, in explaining their horrible actions, that they “just snapped.” I know that feeling well. I stood there for a moment, letting my rage reach that decision-making part of my brain, and I suddenly became lled with a sense of calm purpose. I blinked my eyes and set my jaw. I started following him. Adrenaline started owing. My mouth tasted metallic. I fought to keep my peripheral vision in focus, hyperaware of everything around me, trying to predict the movement and behavior of the crowd. I was unfamiliar with the city, a new user of the metro, and it was just before rush hour. I was hoping that he would walk into some deserted hallway or sneak away through a hidden, unlocked door where I would nd him alone, waiting. I felt so sure of myself, so focused on this one thing I felt I had to do. An image sprang to my mind of my hands wrapped around his neck, my thumbs digging deeply into his throat, his life slipping away from him under my unrelenting grasp. How right that would feel. It seems odd thinking about this now. I weigh less than 130 pounds; he probably weighed 160. I have strong hands from being a musician, but I wonder if they would be strong enough to squeeze the breath out of him in his last moments of life. Is it truly so easy to extinguish a life? When it came down to it, I couldn’t even manage to drown a baby opossum. I had been caught in a t of megalomaniacal fantasy, but in the end it didn’t matter anyway. I lost him in the crowd, and just as quickly as it had arisen in me, my murderous rage dissipated. I have wondered since, what would have happened to me had I not lost sight of him? I’m sure I wouldn’t have been able to actually kill him, but I am also relatively certain I would have assaulted him. Would he have struggled? Would I have been hurt? Would police have been involved? What could I possibly have said or done to get myself o the hook? I often wonder about this and dozens of similar incidents. I realize that one day I may do something very bad. How would I react in such a situation? Would I be able to put on a sufficient show of remorse? Or would I be revealed to be a faker? From my own observations, I have found that a sociopath’s need for stimulation plays out in very person-speci c ways. I’m not surprised that some sociopaths would ll this need via criminal or violent acts, particularly if these were the opportunities that regularly presented themselves. It also seems perfectly plausible that others would feed their need for stimulation via other more legitimate routes, pursuing careers in re ghting or espionage or duking it out in the boardrooms of corporate America. My thought is that sociopaths who grow up poor among drug dealers are likely to become sociopathic drug dealers; sociopaths who grow up in the middle and upper classes are likely to become sociopathic surgeons and executives. Have you succeeded in rapidly climbing the corporate ladder in a competitive eld like business, nance, or law? If charm, arrogance, cunning, callousness, and hyperrationality are considered sociopathic traits, it’s probably no surprise that many sociopaths end up as successful corporate types. In fact, as one CNN reporter opined: “Squint at the symptoms of psychopathy, and in a di erent light they can appear as simple o ce politics or entrepreneurial prowess.” Dr. Robert Hare, one of the foremost researchers on sociopathy, believes that a sociopath is four times more likely to be at the top of the corporate ladder than in the janitor’s closet, due to the close match between the personality traits of sociopaths and the unusual demands of high-powered jobs. Al Dunlap, former CEO of Sunbeam and Scott Paper, was famous as a turnaround artist and downsizer until he was investigated for accounting fraud by the SEC. In the book The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson, Dunlap admits to having many of the traits of a psychopath, but he rede nes those traits as crucial to being a business leader. For instance, in his mind, “manipulation” can be translated to the ability to inspire and lead others. Overblown con dence is necessary to survive the hard knocks of business: “You’ve got to like yourself if you’re going to be a success.” Not to mention, due to our inability to empathize, sociopaths are perfect for all the dirty work that no one else has the stomach for, such as ring and downsizing. In fact, that ruthlessness in personnel decisions is how Dunlap earned his nickname—“Chainsaw Al.” Easily distracted? That’s situational awareness. Constantly in need of stimulation and love playing games? These characteristics promote risk taking, which in business often equals reward. If you combine a propensity for manipulation, dishonesty, callousness, arrogance, poor impulse control, and the rest of the sociopathic traits, you could end up with a socially dangerous individual or the next big-thinking entrepreneur. Robert Hare says that the biggest tip-o to identifying a “successful sociopath” is a “predatory spirit,” just the kind that businesses seem to love. It seems that where we do not crash and burn, we have the potential to achieve dizzying amounts of success. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of you recognize yourselves in these descriptions. It is statistically very probable that some people reading this book are sociopaths and have never realized it. If this is you, welcome home. ••• Being a sociopath doesn’t de ne me. In a lot of ways I am ordinary. These days I lead a quiet, middle-class life in a medium-size city that looks like any number of cities across America. I accomplish errands at various strip malls on the weekends. I work more than I should, and I have trouble sleeping. When not acting impulsively, almost everything I do is done with purpose. Things like physical appearance are most easy to manipulate. My nails are immaculately manicured and my eyebrows perfectly groomed. These days I allow my dark hair to grow just past my shoulders. It is soft and unfussy in subtle compliance with the strictures of fashion. The pleasant ordinariness of my hair brushing lightly against my eyelashes functions to neutralize the intensity of my eyes, which are shiny and ecked by jagged-edged shards of amber, as if something shattered when they rst opened to the world. They are probing and merciless. I should say something about my intelligence, which I believe to be one of the most di cult topics to navigate. While people may be forced to acknowledge their inferior physical appearances, they rarely do so in regards to their intellect, the hidden and variable nature of which allows for rampant self-deception. Even your regular junior high dropout likes to think that he could have been Steve Jobs had he chosen computer programming over meth addiction. I think I am pretty realistic about my intelligence. I am probably smarter than you, dear reader, but I know that in the rare instance this will not be true. I accept that there are many more kinds of intelligence than just raw brainpower (which of course I have in spades), but I do not necessarily respect them all. Rather, I believe that true, worthwhile intelligence is characterized by an innate and superior awareness of surroundings and an ability and desire to learn. This type is rare in the general populace. I was very young when I realized I was smarter than most everyone else, and I felt at once victorious and isolated. It is not always clear what sets people like me apart from other members of society. Sociopathy cannot be diagnosed based solely on a person’s behavior but must focus on their internal motivations. Take for instance my story about drowning an opossum. It is not, in itself, a sociopathic act. Killing a small, cute animal might be cruel or sadistic, which is not necessarily sociopathic. In my case, it was merely expedient. It was an act of dispassion. In letting the baby opossum die a slow and horrible death, I didn’t feel morally justi ed. I didn’t think about having to justify myself at all. I didn’t feel sad or happy about it. I took no pleasure in its su ering; I did not give it a thought. I didn’t feel anything other than a desire to solve my problem in the simplest way possible. I was concerned only for myself. There wasn’t much chance that the baby would cause much harm if I saved it, but there was no upside for me if I did. And at some point, there was no point in nishing the job of killing it; the pool was probably already contaminated by the opossum releasing its bodily wastes in the throes of death. It was just easier to cancel my plans and wait for the inevitable approach of death. Instead of acts, I believe that what really distinguish a sociopath conceptually from everyone else are our compulsions, our motivations, and the narratives we tell ourselves about our inner lives. Sociopaths don’t include elements of guilt or moral responsibility in their mental stories, only self-interest and self-preservation. I don’t assign moral values to my choices, just cost-bene t. And indeed, sociopaths are without exception obsessed with power, playing and winning games, appeasing their boredom, and seeking pleasure. My story lines focus on how smart I am or how well I play a situation. Similarly, I like to imagine that I have “ruined people” or seduced someone to the point of being irreparably mine. The stories I tell myself to explain my actions are selfaggrandizing. I spend a lot of time spinning reality in my head to make me seem more clever and powerful than reality would suggest. (Sociopaths are highly immune to depression, and this ability to tell ourselves wonderful stories about how attractive, smart, and wily we are, and to believe them, surely helps.) The only situation in which I may feel shame or embarrassment is when I have been outplayed. I am never embarrassed that someone may be thinking something bad about me, as long as I have conceived of some gambit in which I have fooled or outmaneuvered them. Normal people feel emotions that I simply don’t. For them, emotions like guilt serve as convenient shortcuts, telling people when they’re crossing societal or moral boundaries that they’re better o observing. But guilt is not absolutely necessary to live within social acceptability. And it certainly isn’t the only thing that prevents people from murdering, stealing, and lying. Indeed, guilt is often unsuccessful at preventing these actions. It follows, then, that the lack of guilt does not make sociopaths criminals. We have alternative means of keeping ourselves in line. In fact, because guilt does not drive our decision-making, we experience fewer emotional prejudices and more freedom of thought and action. For instance, I felt no need to insert myself and exercise my own mora l judgment regarding the old lady who may or may not have survived the internment camps. I would like to think I was better able to help her in her unique situation because of my emotional distance. Recent research suggests that emotions and gut reactions play a dominant role in forming moral judgments and that rationalization of those emotions only follows. The human brain is a belief factory, and part of its job is to rationally justify moral feelings. Rational decision-making is not fail-proof, but neither is guilt and remorse. Neither sociopaths nor the empathic—“empaths”—have a monopoly on bad behavior. There seems to me to be something wrong with requiring people to pretend to feel remorse. Is it any wonder then that sociopaths are known as being liars? There is really no other option for them, when to show their true feelings (or lack thereof) or to express their true thoughts would get them extra jail time, cause them to be branded as an antisocial, or any number of other negative consequences, simply because they do not share the same worldview as the majority. Living in a world of empaths makes me vividly aware of how I am di erent. In John Steinbeck’s novel East of Eden, he describes a sociopathic character, Cathy: Even as a child she had some quality that made people look at her, then look away, then look back at her, troubled at something foreign. Something looked out of her eyes, and was never there when one looked again. She moved quietly and talked little, but she could enter no room without causing everyone to turn toward her. Like Cathy, there has always been something foreign seeming about me. As a sociopath friend of mine put it: “People, no matter how stupid, can’t put their nger on it, but somehow know I’m not quite right.” Sometimes it feels like I am in the movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers and any slipup or indication that I am di erent will draw suspicion. I mimic the way other people interact with others, not to trick them, but so I can hide among them. I hide because I fear that if I am discovered there will be unpredictable negative consequences as part of being a liated with a disorder plagued by pejorative connotations. I don’t want to end up red from my job or kept away from children or institutionalized just because other people can’t understand me. I hide because society has made it almost impossible to do otherwise. Have I earned your hostility? I’m not necessarily a sadist. I intentionally hurt people sometimes, but don’t we all? It seems like the greatest harm is often in icted through passion—the angry ex-husband who won’t let anyone have his wife if he can’t, the armed zealot willing to die and kill for his cause, the father who loves his daughter just a little too much. There’s no danger of this kind of explosive excess of ardor from me. Even so, I often try to soften my edges around people with whom I share the closest relationships. I actively shield them from realizing that I am meticulously calibrating their value to me at all times, because I know that they are hurt by such things. The consequences of their hurt often result in discomfort to me in the form of withheld privileges or retracted social favors—friends and even family are only so forgiving of bad behavior before they start to withdraw—so I have trained myself to behave with “sensitivity” to their feelings like most of you do, by holding my tongue or indulging their harebrained ideas about themselves and the world. Of course I am ruthless with my enemies, but that is also a very common human quality. A few years ago, I su ered a series of setbacks. It was a time of loss and introspection, and it was then that I realized that the “sociopath” label explained the pattern of thought that was at the root of many of my problems. A friend had casually diagnosed me years earlier but I hadn’t thought about it since. This time I took it seriously. I started looking for answers and browsing the basic information that was available on the Internet and in popular science magazines. I was appalled that all of it reeked of a particular bias. There were some amusing blogs written by victims of con artists, but there weren’t any sociopaths writing about their perspectives online. I saw an opportunity for o ering a di erent perspective that coincided with my own interests at the time. I gured that if I existed, there must be others like me—other sociopaths who didn’t make their impact in a world of crime but out in the business and professional world. I wanted to shape the dialogue to re ect my point of view. I wanted to expand the discussion of sociopaths beyond the traditional study of incarcerated criminals. The entrepreneur in me also thought there could be some bene t from being the rst to do it and doing it well, so in 2008 I started writing a blog called SociopathWorld.com, which I intended as an online community for people who identify as sociopaths, as well as people who love and hate them. At the time of this writing, thousands visit the site a day; since the blog’s inception, there have been more than a million discrete visitors from all over the world. An active online community of aggressive narcissists, violent sociopaths, and morbid empaths comments daily—some are sensitive and thoughtful, while others are crude and sophomoric. To my occasional amusement, their discussions often divert wildly o topic —they engage in bullying and peer pressure, express territoriality, shame and tease— setting up a complicated social dynamic I had not imagined. Some lay out the facts of their lives, as if confession would o er absolution, or at least a modicum of selfacceptance, which I can understand. Still others quietly skulk on the site—perhaps trying to glean what they can from it to gain some mastery of their own lives, or simply to feel closer to a largely anonymous group of deviants of which they feel they are a part. My favorite part about running the blog has been encountering scores of other sociopaths. I managed to tap into a hidden community, populated by complex characters and rich with histories. Despite these di erences, I recognize myself in them and they in me. I am di erent than a killer or rapist or serial-embezzler sociopath who has no check on her behavior, but we all cross Hare’s threshold line into the category of sociopath. We share a kind of capital that we have each been cultivating largely in isolation, learning in our own private ways how to be. Maybe the world hates us, and maybe we do not know or even like each other, but at least we can understand one another, in our way, and know that there is a precedent for people like ourselves. Via my exposure to the myriad variety of sociopaths and other personality types that I’ve run into on the blog and in real life, I have also been able to eliminate many misconceptions I myself had about sociopathy—for instance, that all criminal sociopaths are overly impulsive and low-functioning. I’ve also rea rmed to myself that sociopaths really are di erent from the average person, often in very dangerous or scary ways. Once they’ve targeted someone, I’ve seen sociopaths on my blog xate on that individual like the proverbial pit bull, slowly eliciting information from them until they’ve acquired enough leverage to out them to their friends and family, and marriages are disrupted and homes are broken, all for the sport of it. Sociopaths have both the power and inclination to ruin lives, and this is just what they do to strangers on the Internet. I don’t ever mean to give the impression that no one should worry about sociopaths because I am not so bad. Just because I’m smart, high-functioning, and nonviolent doesn’t mean there aren’t a lot of stupid, uninhibited, or dangerous sociopaths out there who genuinely should be avoided. I try to avoid people like that; after all, it’s not like sociopaths all give each other hall passes to avoid harassment. And the really extreme ones probably aren’t commenting on my blog from their isolation cells, so who knows in what ways they would be similar to or di erent from the sociopath next door. We share many things in common, but we di er in how those traits manifest themselves in our behavior. In my experience, sociopathy exists on a spectrum of severity, from the death row inmate to the ruthless venture capitalist to the calculating cheerleader mom. Consider, as an example, someone with Down syndrome. I have two relatives that have Down’s— one blood and the other adopted. The blood relative does sort of look like the rest of his family, his siblings, and his parents, but he also looks unmistakably like his adoptive sister who also has Down syndrome. In fact, most people would probably say he looks more like his adoptive sister than his blood siblings—unless the observer was intentionally trying to look past some of the more obvious Down’s markers, such as the distinctive broad, flat face, creased eyelid, short stature, and so on. Down’s is an interesting condition. Throw an extra chromosome in there, and it a ects the way seemingly every other gene is expressed. It’s almost as if you take the individual’s raw genetic material and put a very distinctive mask over it. I think that sociopathy is something like this. My personality resembles my siblings’ quite a bit. And it resembles the personalities of many people around me, my colleagues and friends, people whom I have chosen to surround myself with due to our mutual or complementary views of the world. But my personality also resembles those of other sociopaths a great deal, sometimes in ways more conspicuous because of our relative rarity in the general populace. It’s amazing to me how much of my habits of mind and proclivities of action I can share in common with strangers—with people who are of di erent genders, ethnicities, races, nationalities, backgrounds, ages. But I am not just like every other sociopath. From what I have seen of us we are all very di erent. But there is no mistaking a certain family resemblance. When I rst started my blog, I struggled in writing my posts with this issue of what it means, day to day, to be a sociopath. On the one hand, if I talked openly about the limited role sociopathy played in my life, I ran the risk of not seeming sociopathic enough. But I also wanted to present myself as a real person, not a caricature you’d expect to see on television. I’ve decided to lean more on the side of authenticity and less on the side of titillation. I have a similar goal for this book. I know I will live for a long time. I have managed to remain undetected so far, but there’s no telling how long that will last. Will I end up being shipped o to a sociopaths-only gulag? Perhaps if I’m lucky. Many visitors to my blog have called for much worse, including our total extermination. I’m hoping that once you get to know one sociopath, you’ll show even this cold heart some compassion when the cattle cars come to ship me off somewhere. And hopefully you’ll gain something too—awareness and understanding of a type of person that you probably see and interact with daily. I don’t think that I’m the prototypical sociopath. Not everything I do in my life is straight out of a sociopath handbook. A lot of readers question whether I am a sociopath at all. Certainly not everything I do falls in line with all the diagnostic criteria psychologists have developed for sociopathic behavior. I think this surprises people, particularly those whose only idea of a sociopath comes from the psycho killers they see in movies. But to the extent that we share these things in common, particularly a common mind-set, I understand other sociopaths in a way that is often eerie. I want to reveal my internal dialogue and motivations, because I believe that to learn to understand the mind-set of one sociopath is to get an uncommon insight into the minds of all other sociopaths. You might even find that the way I think is not that different from your own. Archaeologist Klaus Schmidt has opined that the presence of monsters and hybrid creatures in modern human culture, unknown to Neolithic man, indicates a high degree of development. The idea is that the further a society is from nature and, inevitably, a healthy fear of it, the more it finds itself inventing things of which to be afraid. There is a romantic poem believed to have been written by Chrétien de Troyes in the twelfth century called Yvain, le Chevalier au Lion. In search of chivalric adventure, Yvain comes across a monster in a clearing—“so passing ugly was the creature that no word of mouth could do him justice.” I imagine the creature as a young girl. She is lying in the bedroom she shares with her sister in her parents’ large house, dark tendrils of hair touching her eyelashes ever so slightly. She daydreams of throats split open in e usions of brilliant red. In order to ascertain whether a ght is in store for him, Yvain engages the monster in conversation: “Come, let me know whether thou art a creature of good or not.” And the creature replied: “I am a man.” “What kind of a man art thou?” “Such as thou seest me to be: I am by no means otherwise.” People are interested in the mind of a sociopath, and understandably so, but I suspect for the wrong reasons. This book is sure to disappoint if you are looking for graphic tales of violence. They don’t exist, and in any case absolutely anyone could be a gruesome killer if put in the right situation. I don’t think there’s anything very interesting about that, or at least I don’t have anything to add to that particular fact about humanity. I think it’s more interesting why I chose to buy a house for my closest friend, or gave my brother $10,000 the other day, just because. I recently got an e-mail from a friend with terminal cancer, saying I give the most thoughtful and useful gifts and how she is so grateful to know me. I am considered a very helpful and considerate professor and am consistently rated one of the best in the school. I am devoutly religious. I am functionally a good person and yet I am not motivated or constrained by the same things that most good people are. Am I a monster? I prefer to believe that you and I simply occupy different points on the spectrum of humanity. Chapter 2 DIAGNOSIS: SOCIOPATH How did I eventually come to think I was a sociopath? With all of the bene ts of hindsight I can see that there were plenty of signs. But it took a professional and personal collapse in my late twenties to make me care enough to investigate. My family likes to joke about my inability to stick to one thing for longer than a few years. High school was a little bit of a farce but I tested well enough to become a National Merit Scholar. In college I majored in music on a whim. I chose percussion because the core requirements were split to cover four instruments, and I didn’t have the attention span to focus on just one. I chose to go to law school because it was one of the few graduate programs without prerequisites and I needed something to do. I tested well on the LSAT and got into a top law school, despite having the GPA of someone who, though clearly intelligent, is easily bored. After law school I was hired as an attorney at a self-described “elite” law rm. All of my colleagues were recruited from the top of their classes at their top ten schools. I ba rely made the rm’s grade cuto s, and I had graduated with honors. We were supposed to be the best of the best, and the rm charged a premium. Just two years out of law school, my base salary was $170,000 with a double bonus totaling $90,000 and I was in a lockstep pattern of signi cant raises every year I stayed. But I was a terrible employee. I have never been able to work well unless it directly bene ted my mind or my résumé, no matter how lucrative the work was. I spent most of my e ort in dodging projects and scheduling my day around lunch appointments and co ee breaks. Still, when I got my rst bad review I was surprised. I was even more surprised when I eventually got called into my supervising partner’s o ce and told to shape up or ship out. I didn’t shape up. I interviewed with other rms and got an o er from a similarly prestigious rm that paid more, but I wasn’t interested in continuing to be a well-paid paper pusher. I was meant for greater things than being a junior legal associate; I was sure of it. A couple months later I was out on the street with a banker’s box of personal belongings, waiting for a friend to pick me up. Around this same time, a close friend’s father was diagnosed with cancer. Whereas she had once been a pleasure to be around—intelligent, wise, independent, and insightful— she was suddenly emotionally fragile and beset by family obligations. I was exhausted by trying to accommodate her, and I felt that I was suddenly putting more e ort into the relationship than I was getting out of it. I decided to cut o all contact with her. At rst all I felt was relief. Eventually I missed her, but I had expected that, and I tried not to let it bother me too much. I spent the next couple of years receiving unemployment insurance checks. My family was worried for me. They wondered what I was planning on doing with my life. But I never had those sorts of existential crises. I always live in two-year increments. I gure anything beyond that is just so uncertain that it can basically be disregarded as a possibility. This compounding of losses was unusual for me, though—even my two-year plan seemed bleak. I found myself at loose ends, directionless and, I had to admit, fairly mindless. I had squandered a prestigious and lucrative job in my chosen eld. I considered going to business school, but for what? To repeat a cycle of success and devastation for the duration of my life? I had heartlessly put aside a friend in her time of need. How many more relationships did I have to destroy? I knew these were not the actions of a normal person, and I began to admit that my life was not sustainable. If I wasn’t normal, what was I? With a ruthlessness I usually reserved for other people, I stripped away my own arti ces to discover who I really was. I realized that all my life I had been trying to be like the chameleons I had learned about as a child in my big book of small reptiles. The social part of me had evaporated, making it apparent that all of my e orts to entertain were designed to sit on the very outer surfaces of me, separate and apart from what existed inside. And those insides—they were impenetrable. I had never liked people to look at me; I wanted to be the only one doing the looking. But now I realized that I never bothered to look closely at myself. I had grown accustomed to believing my own lies. I would xate on moments that made me feel normal. A monster would not cry at a sad movie. Her heart would not break from a lover’s departure. So my tears were proof that I was normal, as was the pain in my chest, about which so many songs have been written. How could my heart be broken if there was no heart to break? It had been easy to convince myself that I was not the one with the problem. It is one thing to lie to others, but I had been lying to myself for years. I had become reliant on self-deception and forgotten who I was. And now I didn’t really understand myself at all. I wanted to stop being a stranger to myself; for the rst time in my life, that bothered me enough to want to do something about it. Though it would prove to be a turning point, this was not my rst period of deep introspection. During college, I got myself into an awkward social mess (I’ll relate the details in chapter 5), and my life went completely to hell. I didn’t have any label to identify with, but after a long period of un inching honesty and self-analysis I recognized that I was a very manipulative, cunning person who was unable to connect to anyone on more than a super cial level, obsessed with power, and willing to do anything to get ahead, among other things. To the extent that those things were negatively impacting my life, I tried to tame and control them—or to at least divert them to situations where the stakes were lowest. I didn’t know then what a “sociopath” was nor did I have any inkling that I might be one until a few years later during law school, when a coworker raised the possibility. We were working together as summer interns, largely busywork that didn’t matter. I was bored, so when I learned that she was an openly gay woman who had been adopted as a child, I started to pry into her personal life, hunting for insecurities. Slightly overweight, cheerful, and gregarious, she appeared to be a treasure trove of plush emotional vulnerabilities. It turned out that she was much more than that—she was intellectually curious and wide open to the possibilities of how to live in the world. We shared o ces and spent hours talking about politics, religion, philosophy, fashion, or anything else that would distract us from the drudge work. From the very beginning, she felt compelled to mother me, giving me advice on how to dress appropriately at work and feeding me quinoa salads she had prepared for me to keep me from dining on cheeseburgers every day. I noticed and began to analyze how she made everyone feel comfortable around her. I hoped to replicate little nuggets of her charm, and I told her so. Whereas I viewed the world through the lens of bloodless rationality, she could not have been more touchy-feely; though she was an intelligent woman who valued rationality, she made a deliberate choice to abandon it occasionally in favor of soft intangibles like “compassion” and “mercy.” Even though I don’t naturally value those things, I respect that they are legitimate interests that people have, the same way that I acknowledge that not everyone will have my exact taste in, say, music or automobiles. She had a master’s degree in theology, and I loved to probe her beliefs, rst about whether God made her gay, but later about anything that seemed important to her. I remember speci cally questioning her about altruism, with which I had little personal experience. I explained to her that, to my mind, to have the ability to measure with such stark precision the utility of a person—just as any other thing—made it senseless to regard that person in any other way. At that time, I had yet to abandon my friend whose dad had cancer, but there were plenty of other ruined relationships that I could have been referencing—I routinely disposed of people once their burden to me exceeded their utility. I told my coworker that one of these disposed-of people had accused me of lacking altruism. Perhaps, I had conceded. But perhaps this thing that I allegedly lacked —altruism—was nothing more than garbled thinking that did no more than freeze people in a moment of indecision, whereas I was free to cut o entanglements at will. My coworker nodded sympathetically. One day, not long after our altruism conversation, we were discussing how to behave appropriately in situations in which I was expected to comfort anguished loved ones. Perhaps she could see that I seemed clueless, because she asked me then if I thought I might be a sociopath. I remember not knowing how to answer and having to look the word up, not sure exactly what a sociopath was or why she would think I was one. Socio-for social or society, -pathy for a morbid a iction or disease: a disorder of social conscience. That did sound familiar. I was not o ended. I was already well accustomed to the idea that there was something pointedly di erent about me that could not be altered. I realized early on that other people did not treat their lives as if it were a complicated game in which all events, things, and people could be measured with mathematical precision toward achieving their own personal satisfaction and pleasure. Somewhat more recently, I also noticed that other people felt guilt, a special kind of regret that did not arise from negative consequences but from some amorphous moral dictate that had taken root in them from consciousness. They felt bad in a way that I never felt when they hurt others, as if the hurt they had caused was so cosmically connected to the goodness of the universe as to reverberate back to them. These things I had pretended to feel for many years, had attempted assiduously to mimic the manifestations of, but had never actually felt in my life. I was more curious than anything. If there was a label for who I was, then maybe I could learn something more about myself. In fact, I had no trouble recognizing myself in the descriptions I found in my research. It turned out that my o cemate had been acquainted with a man she discovered was a sociopath. Rather than live out the sob story of the con artist’s innocent victim, she had maintained a deep and enduring friendship with him. In retrospect, her willingness to regard me as a human being despite her rm belief that I was a sociopath o ered me the possibility that I could be understood and accepted as I was. She was proof that not all people with consciences and empathy were appalled by the existence of people like me. I was actually glad that there was a word for it, that I wasn’t the only one like this. It must be a similar feeling to that of people who discover for themselves that they are gay or transgendered: in their bones, they’d known it all along. Years had passed from that tentative self-diagnosis to my period of introspection after being red. Once the word sociopath had entered my consciousness and my initial satisfaction with nding a label had faded, I had treated it as an unimportant oddity, like an interesting but irrelevant quirk, until eventually I forgot it. But as my life crumbled around me, I knew that I couldn’t keep living like I had been before, acknowledging that I was di erent but ignoring the di erences. I was so desperate for answers that I had begun seeing a therapist, but she was nothing more than a thing for me to toy with, and even then, she was too expensive for the limited satisfaction our sessions gave me. But through those therapy sessions, I had remembered that summer internship and that casual diagnosis of “sociopath.” I sensed there were answers about myself there, so I started reading a book that just happened to be available in its entirety online, written by the father of the modern concept of psychopathy, Dr. Hervey Cleckley. Cleckley, in his groundbreaking book The Mask of Sanity, rst published in 1941, presented the pro le of the personality he called the psychopath, but which we now commonly refer to as the sociopath. Cleckley explained that a psychopath was extremely di cult to diagnose, because his mental faculties were fully intact, as was his ability to function in society as a seemingly normal human being, even a particularly successful one. Cleckley wrote: Not only is the psychopath rational and his thinking free of delusions, but he also appears to react with normal emotions. His ambitions are discussed with what appears to be healthy enthusiasm. His convictions impress even the skeptical observer as rm and binding. He seems to respond with adequate feelings to another’s interest in him and, as he discusses his wife, his children, or his parents, he is likely to be judged a man of warm human responses, capable of full devotion and loyalty. According to Cleckley, psychopaths are antisocials who excel at seeming social— seeming to feel, desire, hope, and love like everyone else. They exist virtually indistinguishable among society. In fact, the psychopath excels in many ways that others do not. Cleckley’s psychopath is uncommonly charming and witty. He is un appable and eloquent, keeping his cool under pressure. Under this “mask of sanity,” however, is a liar, a manipulator, a person who disregards his obligations with little to no sense of responsibility. He is exciting because he is impulsive, whimsical, and prone to making the same mistake multiple times. His narcissism keeps him from forming any real emotional bonds, and he tends to be promiscuous. His own emotional world is mostly a poor imitation of natural emotions. Cleckley acknowledged that this unique suite of personality traits could suit the psychopath equally well to a career in business as to one in crime. Nowhere else have I recognized the sociopath inside me more than in Cleckley’s clinical pro les, more than half a century old. From his observations of hundreds of patients, Cleckley distilled what he believed to be sixteen key behavioral characteristics that de ned psychopathy. Most of these factors are still used today to diagnose sociopaths/psychopaths and others with antisocial disorders. They include the following: • Superficial charm and good intelligence • Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking • Absence of nervousness or psychoneurotic manifestations • Unreliability • Untruthfulness and insincerity • Lack of remorse and shame • Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior • Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience • Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love • General poverty in major affective reactions • Specific loss of insight • Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations • Fantastic and uninviting behavior with drink and sometimes without • Suicide threats rarely carried out • Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated • Failure to follow any life plan If you’ve ever recognized yourself in a horoscope and thought, “Hey, maybe there is something to this astrology business,” then you understand my encounter with Cleckley’s book. Not everything is quite right, but many things are spot-on, and in general, it’s frighteningly accurate. My lack of life direction, my cold treatment of friends, my inability to focus on my job—the psychological pattern underpinning many of my problems was laid bare. I was particularly amazed by his descriptions of his patients, some of whom I shared so much in common with that I felt he could have been writing about me. There was one woman in particular, Anna, whose description seemed like a fictionalized version of myself: There was nothing spectacular about her, but when she came into the o ce you felt that she merited the attention she at once obtained. She was, you could say without straining a point, rather good-looking, but she was not nearly so good-looking as most women would have to be to make a comparable impression. She spoke in the crisp, uttery cadence of the British, consistently sounding her “r’s” and “ing’s” and regularly saying “been” as they do in London. For a girl born and raised in Georgia, such speaking could suggest a ectation. Yet it was the very opposite of this quality that contributed a great deal to the pleasing e ect she invariably produced on those who met her. Naive has so many inapplicable connotations it is hardly the word to use in reference to this urbane and gracious presence, yet it is di cult to think of our rst meeting without that very word coming to mind, with its overtones of freshness, artlessness, and candor. It’s clear that Cleckley was taken by her. I love the way he describes her idiosyncrasies: the accent, her artlessness, her eternal youthfulness, her attractiveness that seems to be something more than mere beauty, her intelligence, and her charm. These describe me as well. She loves The Brothers Karamazov, but Cleckley later discusses how Anna does not have the highbrow tastes and prejudices that accompany the typical “intellectual” of her education and breeding, treating gossip magazines with the same interest as the music of Russian composers. Again, he could have been writing about me. Cleckley goes on to tell about how Anna quite sincerely taught Sunday school, volunteered for the Red Cross, and engaged in haphazard same-sex liaisons, one time with a nurse after being universally adored during a hospital stay. There were incredible parallels to my own life, from such seemingly insigni cant ones like teaching Sunday school or being a model hospital patient to relatively more prominent ones like uid sexuality. I was floored. Cleckley does clearly lay out why he believes that Anna ts his criteria, primarily because of her lack of remorse about her lascivious lifestyle, but it’s clear that she is not just a sum of points on a checklist to him. She is a person. And it wasn’t the checklist that I identi ed so strongly with upon reading Cleckley’s book; it was the people. Even Cleckley acknowledged that the checklist was just a gross generalization of why these people seemed so similar to each other—despite their vast di erences in education, background, socioeconomic status, criminal history, etc.—and yet so di erent from the rest of the world. I could quibble with whether or not I met a criterion like “unreliability,” but I could not deny the remarkable similarities that I shared with Cleckley’s patients. Cleckley’s book was widely popular, circulating beyond a purely academic or medical audience. He edited the volume several times, making e orts to create as exhaustive a pro le as possible of the modern-day psychopath. Cleckley understood that psychopaths and sociopaths, while sometimes or even often engaged in extremely antisocial acts, could also live lives completely undetected, adapting to their surroundings well enough to pass as normal, even to become contributing members of society. Because Cleckley realized that there were sociopaths in the world who either do not engage in criminal behavior or are too clever to ever get caught, what began as a study of solely male patients in mental institutions became a much larger volume that included women, adolescents, and people who had never been institutionalized. Many of his later subjects, like Anna, had learned to live relatively normal lives within the general populace. From my own experience, I was sure that, had Cleckley peered into the classrooms of today’s law schools and o ces of mega law rms, he would have found plenty of viable test subjects. Now that I knew that I was not alone, that there were people out there much like me, I wanted to find out more about us. He gazed upon the mirth around him, as if he could not participate therein. Apparently, the light laughter of the fair only attracted his attention, that he might by a look quell it, and throw fear into those breasts where thoughtlessness reigned. Those who felt this sensation of awe, could not explain whence it arose: some attributed it to the dead grey eye, which, xing upon the object’s face, did not seem to penetrate, and at one glance to pierce through to the inward workings of the heart; but fell upon the cheek with a leaden ray that weighed upon the skin it could not pass. His peculiarities caused him to be invited to every house; all wished to see him, and those who had been accustomed to violent excitement, and now felt the weight of ennui, were pleased at having something in their presence capable of engaging their attention. —JOHN WILLIAM POLIDORI, The Vampyre In 1819, John William Polidori wrote a novella called The Vampyre, inspired by a fragment by Lord Byron, which would spark a vampire craze across nineteenth-century Europe and in uence Bram Stoker and the modern vampire genre. The title character of Polidori’s novella was based on the wayward Byron himself. The vampire enters London high society and beguiles all who cross his path with his mysterious and contrary manners. Accompanying a young gentleman companion southward through Rome and Greece, he seduces and murders young women, unbeknownst to his companion, only to die himself from an apparent murder. A year later, however, the vampire reappears in London, where he seduces and marries his companion’s sister, leaving her drained of blood on her wedding bed. At once beautiful and treacherous, the vampire occupies the unique position of the appealing monster. He is far from deranged or wild and, in fact, his manners are superior to those of the people he meets. His demeanor is uncanny and yet beguiling, his eyes hollow but intoxicating. His apparent de cits attract his victims and his peculiarities engage them, while he views them as nothing more than objects. The vampire does not seek his lonely existence; he merely lives it out to its fullest measure, unable to function any other way. He drinks blood because it ful lls him; he toys with people because it amuses him. His soul cannot rest. The gothic vampire is the sociopath writ large, charismatic and sophisticated, a predator walking among us undetected. His myth dates back to the medieval period and is rooted in Slavic spirituality, based on a clear distinction between the body and the soul. An unclean soul gave rise to the vampire, whose continuing existence was both unnatural and interminable. Sociopaths have been around for a long time, always at the margins. We exist in every culture. According to a 1976 anthropological study by Jane Murphy, members of the Yoruba tribe in Africa called cold souls arankan, “which means a person who always goes his own way regardless of others, who is uncooperative, full of malice, and bullheaded.” The Yupik-speaking Inuit knew antisocial members of their tribe as kunlangeta, of whom it was said “his mind knows what to do but he does not do it”; he is someone who “repeatedly lies and cheats and steals things and … takes sexual advantage of many women—someone who does not pay attention to reprimands and who is always being brought to the elders for punishment.” This concept of an individual who has the mental capacity to understand social norms but refuses to follow them is the key to the clinical diagnosis for modern-day sociopathy. So, while it’s clear that people like me have existed throughout the many cultures of the world, our modern society likes to apply clear labels to people: Are you a sociopath, or something else? In the science ction lm Blade Runner, the sociopath analogues are the replicants, organic androids who have escaped to Earth and are hunted by Harrison Ford in his nuclear-dusty postapocalyptic world. So human-seeming are the replicants that they can be detected only through a set of emotionally provocative questions. In the movie, Harrison Ford can’t resist the charms of Sean Young’s porcelain skin and perfectly heart-shaped lips, even knowing she is a manufactured thing—that she can feel no empathy despite what he can see in her big, soulful eyes. I remember watching the movie as a young girl, captivated by Sean Young’s quivering poise and futuristic o ce attire. Even then I felt sure I could survive pretty well in their harsh world, that all the scattered neon and miscellaneous steam would make it a hard enough place to live that all the weaklings would be relegated to subsistence living, and the strong ones like me would thrive. I imagined wheeling and dealing in pidgin Chinese, darting through alleyways in my dinged-up hovercraft. The irony, of course, is that in my adulthood I would willingly subject myself to very similar diagnostic questions—that I too would be clinically outed by tests designed to measure my lack of humanity. The Blade Runner example is an interesting comparator because the emphasis is on identi cation, not diagnosis. The replicants are truly “other” and presumed to be subhuman; therefore there are no ethical constraints on what becomes of them, despite evidence that their internal worlds may have been just as rich as those of the humans. Similarly, even health professionals like Martha Stout, Harvard Medical School faculty member and author of The Sociopath Next Door, speak in terms of “identifying” sociopaths, as opposed to diagnosing. The message seems clear: These people are sociopaths, they aren’t people who have sociopathy. Diagnosis is for people for whom there is a treatment. Because there is no known e ective treatment for sociopaths, there is just the question of what to do with the sociopath problem. In Blade Runner, society had come to a definitive decision of what fate would befall its empathy-free creations. The sociopath problem for our society is, how do we keep sociopaths from acting in antisocial ways? Before society can even begin to discuss solutions to that problem, they need a reliable way to identify sociopaths. Before psychologists can identify them, however, they must be able to understand them. And to be able to understand them, they must be able to identify them. One psychologist has illustrated the tautology in the following way: “Why has this man done these terrible things? Because he is a psychopath. And how do you know that he is a psychopath? Because he has done these terrible things.” It’s a classic chicken-and-egg dilemma that has prompted countless criticisms of the most popular diagnostic criteria. All diagnostic tools are based on the observable traits of people who have been diagnosed as sociopaths, which, apart from being rather circular, introduces the risk of biases that might skew which traits get included or not included. Of course there must be some starting place. Cleckley and others observed that some traits occurred more commonly in his patients than in the general populace. Once that recurring group of traits had a name, researchers could try to gure out if they all had a common cause, if they were related to other identi able groups of traits, how many people had that group of traits, and what kinds of things those people got up to compared to the larger population. But Cleckley was well aware that his checklist was just his own poor approximation of the essence of sociopathy, and consequently was not infallible or even all-inclusive—a humility that I sometimes feel is lacking with researchers of sociopathy. The current primary tool for identifying psychopaths (and, by association, sociopaths) is the PCL-R (Psychopathy Checklist–Revised), developed by Dr. Robert D. Hare, professor emeritus of forensic psychology at the University of British Columbia and generally considered the primary authority on criminal psychopathy. “Science cannot progress without reliable and accurate measurement of what it is you are trying to study,” Hare explains. With a research assistant he compiled a list of twenty traits that he noticed recurring among the prison population he was studying: lack of empathy and remorse, megalomania, manipulation, charm, self-interestedness, impulsivity, pro ciency at lying, along with criminal-speci c traits such as juvenile delinquency, revocation of conditional release, and criminal versatility. He instructed other psychologists giving the assessment to award two points if a trait was present, one if they were unsure or it applied somewhat, and zero if it wasn’t. The test was reliable, in that repeat assessments resulted in approximately the same score, but its validity has been heavily criticized. Validity is a measure of how well a diagnostic tests what it is meant to test—in this situation, how accurately the PCL-R identi es psychopaths. The PCL-R has been criticized for being exclusively based on the prison population. Hare himself has admitted that it was done solely for convenience: “Prisoners are easy. They like meeting researchers. It breaks up the monotony of their day. But CEOs, politicians …” In a widely publicized scandal, Hare threatened to sue two psychologists who warned in a paper that the checklist was increasingly being mistaken for a complete de nition of psychopathy, which is a broader personality construct that includes deceitfulness, impulsivity, and recklessness, but not necessarily physical aggression or illegal acts. The authors contended that Dr. Hare’s checklist warps that concept by overemphasizing criminal behavior. Their article re ects the growing consensus that sociopathy does not equate to criminality. Nor has Hare defended why each trait on the checklist is scored exactly the same. It’s not immediately obvious why a trait like lack of empathy should earn exactly as many points as something seemingly less signi cant like super cial charm. There is also the question of what de nes this (or any) personality disorder, a person’s actions or her interior motivations. While a case history of bad decision-making is easy to evaluate, it’s harder to truly understand another person’s modes of thought. There are signi cant di erences of opinion among academics and clinicians about whether psychopathy and sociopathy are diagnosable conditions at all. The good folks at the American Psychiatric Association who put together the DSM have decided to exclude both terms, despite movements by researchers for revisions in favor of antisocial personality disorder, or ASPD, a diagnosis based on observed behavioral patterns. The World Health Organization’s International Statistical Classi cation of Diseases and Related Health Problems describes a similar diagnosis it calls dissocial personality disorder but also does not include sociopathy. ASPD and sociopathy do not share all of the same characteristics; ASPD focuses primarily on the criminality of behavior, rather than the internal thought processes of a sociopath, since thought processes are di cult to ascertain, particularly with unwilling, institutionalized subjects. For instance, although I consider myself a high-functioning sociopath because of my weak sense of empathy, my failure to conform to social norms, and my predilection to manipulate others, I could not be legitimately diagnosed with ASPD. Further confusing the diagnostic problem of sociopathy is the overlap in behavioral characteristics between sociopathy and other personality disorders such as narcissism, like enhanced self-regard and diminished empathy, as well as some social developmental disorders like Asperger’s that are also seen on the autism spectrum. In his book Forensic Psychology: A Very Short Introduction, David Canter, a psychology professor at the University of Hudders eld, warns that “we should not be seduced into thinking that these diagnoses are anything other than summary descriptions of the people in question” and echoes the concern that they are “actually moral judgments masquerading as medical explanations.” The rst line in the preface of Robert Hare’s book reads: “Psychopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate, and ruthlessly plow their way through life, leaving a road trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations, and empty wallets.” So you can imagine what side of the fence he’s on. Still, these diagnoses are being used, and important decisions like whether or not to deny someone parole are made primarily on the basis of them. Unlike the problematic de nitions of psychological diagnoses, neuroscience may o er some more clarity. Recent brain scan research and other studies suggest a link between these characteristics and something more “de nitive” and unique about a sociopath’s brain. But it would be a mistake to con ate the list of characteristics of a sociopath with the de nition of sociopath, just as it would be a mistake to assume that all Catholics would share the exact same traits—or that having a certain list of traits is what makes people Catholic. The diagnosis of sociopathy is useful, but only to the extent that people understand its limitations. The main limitation is that we cannot identify it by its root source; we know it only by its symptoms and characteristics. This is somewhat disappointing to people. It would be easy to think that I am bad because I was treated badly or raised badly, that I grew up in an environment devoid of love and lled with enmity. But I didn’t su er the kind of outrageous abuses that so many people do. Mine were of the ordinary variety, maybe some benign neglect. When people ask me whether I had a bad childhood, I tell them that it was relatively unremarkable. We know from twin studies that there is a strong genetic component to sociopathic traits, and we also know that sociopaths have di erent brains from most people. But just because they have di erent brains does not mean that their unusual brains are what makes them act di erently. The fact that they act di erently could actually be a ecting their brain circuitry. Similarly, just because a sociopath’s brain is di erent does not mean that is what is causing the sociopathy—that could be, according to Hare, a “by-product of some other environmental or genetic factor commonly found among psychopaths.” We don’t know the root cause, but we also know there isn’t a cure for this disorder, not that we would necessarily want one, for reasons that I hope will be clear upon nishing this book. Dr. Cleckley observed and counseled sociopaths as a psychologist and professor at the Medical College of Georgia. He wrestled with how to treat sociopathic patients and criminals, whom he believed to be deeply disturbed but essentially intractable. In the preface to his final revision of The Mask of Sanity, which he wrote at the very end of his life, Cleckley explained that he had been unable to discover an e ective treatment but was heartened by the belief that he had contributed to the understanding of sociopathy—and especially that the relatives and loved ones of sociopaths could have some explanation for the unusual behavior of their beloveds. Indeed, he cited at length instances of incurable patients—individuals who had all the resources and support in the world to get better but ended up maiming significant others and committing other manner of misdeeds. To him we were a lost cause. Cleckley was not alone in this belief. Recent estimates of the criminal recidivism rate for sociopaths is approximately double that of nonsociopathic criminals, and it is triple for violent crimes. Even the Yoruba and the Inuit tribes believed that these antisocial individuals could not be changed. The only solution was to neutralize or marginalize them, or as one Inuit purportedly told Murphy, the anthropologist, “Somebody would have pushed him off the ice when nobody else was looking.” Today psychologists and criminologists are occupied with the same conundrum with which the Inuit and Yoruba dealt through discreet homicide—what to do with sociopaths who simply cannot be trusted and who do not belong. In Great Britain, authorities have given sociopathic criminals life sentences solely on the basis of their sociopathy. In America, diagnosed sociopaths have been committed inde nitely in psychiatric facilities with no hope of release, since their doctors assume they cannot be cured. Take the story of Robert Dixon, who received a fteen-years-to-life sentence for accessory to murder as the getaway driver to an armed robbery gone wrong. Twenty-six years into his sentence, he was up for parole. As part of the assessment of whether he was likely to reo end, he was given a test that indicated that he was a sociopath. “I remember reading the report and feeling heartbroken,” Dixon’s lawyer recalls, “because I knew no matter how hard I worked from that day forward, that when I brought him back to the board, we were going to get denied.” While in his rst edition Cleckley asserted that sociopaths should be considered psychotics due to their deep inability to function in society, he revised his position in later editions when he realized that this characterization stood in the way of making them responsible for their criminal acts. He faced a crisis; he never believed that sociopaths were crazy, or “manic,” in the sense that others of his patients were. But he felt that they were just as troubled, just as de cient or wrongly equipped to live, and so should be kept apart from everyone else. He was concerned that dangerous sociopaths were not committed in mental institutions often enough, because an overemphasis on verbal intelligence and rationality in determining whether a person was mentally competent for the purposes of confinement weighed in favor of sociopaths. But depriving the sociopath of freedom purely on the basis of her psychiatric diagnosis is fraught with questions of moral signi cance. Social scientists worry about control and maintenance—how do we deal with these strange creatures, they ask themselves, in a manner that does not make monsters of the rest of us? Can a person’s lack of conscience justify a deprivation of his freedom? Society commits the insane to con nement by reasoning that they present harm to themselves and others. I’ve heard the argument that sociopaths cannot function in the outside world, so there is nothing that society can do but take the drastic step of separating the sociopaths from the rest of the world. But sociopaths can function; we just function di erently. It’s not like we’re biting o our own hands or jumping o of buildings in the belief that we can y. We’re not crazy. And the truth is that we are sometimes quite successful. It is just that we live, think, and make decisions in a way that some people nd loathsome and most nd disturbingly amoral. What do you do to people you simply don’t like? The role that a diagnosis of sociopathy should play in criminal sentencing is an admittedly thorny issue. The legal standard for an insanity plea is that the perpetrator must not be able to distinguish between right and wrong. Sociopaths actually know what society considers right and wrong most of the time, they just don’t feel an emotional compulsion to conform their behavior to societal standards. The debate is whether this faulty wiring makes them more culpable, less culpable, or equally culpable compared to a similarly o ending nonsociopath. Kent Kiehl, a prominent researcher who specializes in scanning the brains of sociopaths in prisons, suggested treating them the same as people with low IQs, who may know that their actions are wrong but lack sufficient “brakes” on their violent impulses. Furthermore, there is the question of e ectiveness of punishment. Cleckley asserted that treating sociopaths as ordinary criminals—and simply imprisoning them when they had committed a wrong—did not work, since punishment does little to deter them. Of course, the deterring e ect of imprisonment on anyone is questionable. I doubt that empathetic people who commit crimes of passion are deterred by the thought of imprisonment, and I wonder how much it works on lifelong drug dealers born into gangs and poverty who thus have few alternatives. However, scienti c research has been conducted to show that sociopaths are particularly nonresponsive to negative consequences, and I have found this to be true in my own life. The threat of punishment at home or school only served as a challenge to gure out how to circumvent the consequences when I did what I wanted to do anyway. I didn’t fear the punishment, I just saw it as an inconvenience to work around. Cleckley’s intuition that sociopaths do not respond normally to negative consequences was validated by a famous study by Hare in which he administered mild electrical shocks to both psychopaths and a normal control group. A timer ticking down preceded the shock. Normal people would show signs of anxiety as the timer got closer to the shock, anticipating the slight pain. Psychopaths were remarkably unfazed by the shock and did not express a comparable increase in anxiety as the timer ticked down. This blithe reaction to negative events may be due to the excessive dopamine that characterizes the sociopathic brain. Vanderbilt University researchers have linked the excess dopamine in sociopaths to a hypersensitive reward system in the brain that releases as much as four times the normal amount of dopamine in response to either a perceived gain of money upon the successful completion of a task, or chemical stimulants. These researchers suggested that the overactive reward system is to blame for a sociopath’s impulsive, risk-seeking behavior because “these individuals appear to have such a strong draw to reward—to the carrot—that it overwhelms the sense of risk or concern about the stick.” I have my own doubts about this hypothesis, though. A hypersensitive reward system could explain why sociopaths are allegedly sex ends, at least compared to the rest of the population. It could also explain why you’ll see them at the top of their eld, professionally speaking. Sociopaths are probably contributing to society in all sorts of random ways in order to trigger an enormous amount of dopamine ooding through their brains. Risk takers, though? Maybe we are, but I don’t think it’s because of excess dopamine, particularly because an earlier study at Vanderbilt showed that low amounts of dopamine were highly correlated with risk taking and drug abuse. From personal experience, I feel like my risk-seeking behavior stems from a low fear response or a lack of natural anxiety in potentially dangerous, traumatic, or stressful situations. I do all sorts of risky and often stupid activities, particularly when you consider that I am a nancially secure white-collar professional with a brilliant IQ who was raised devoutly religious in a stable middle-class home. When I was young, I did the usual reckless teenage stu : mosh pits, hitchhiking in developing countries, being towed in a shopping cart from the back of a truck, st ghts, etc. I might have grown out of some of the more childish thrill-seeking activities, but I never quite grew out of the inability to learn from experiences. One summer I lost all of my savings trading high-risk options. Not only were the options risky, I took an incredibly risky approach to them—holding when I should have sold and putting all of my eggs in one basket. Even after many failed trades, I still took unnecessary gambles. I knew objectively that I was losing a lot of money, but I couldn’t make myself feel the pain of it in a way that seemed to matter. Though it doesn’t seem related, I don’t use knives. The risk of injury never sinks in, even with such a mundane tool. I’ve cut myself many times, lopping o chunks of skin or cutting down to the bone and requiring stitches, but I can never force myself to be more careful, so now I just don’t use them. I’ve always loved to bike in cities, partly because it’s so dangerous. If a car starts creeping into my lane, I will punch at it or use my portable tire pump to swing at it. If a car cuts me off, I will follow it until I catch up, then dart in front and come to a skidding halt, forcing them to slam on their brakes. I’m sure it’s incredibly dangerous for me to do this, and really only for me, but it also freaks the hell out of them. And I don’t really care for my safety enough to change my behavior. It’s not that I’m being irrational. It’s that su ering the consequences of something rarely involves actual “su ering.” Maybe there is a small thrill in taunting drivers or risking my life savings, but mainly it’s that I just don’t feel sufficient anxiety in these situations warning me to be more careful. I can’t tell you how many times I have gotten food poisoning from eating rotten and questionable food, but I never seem to learn my lesson. A few years ago I woke up naked on the oor of a YMCA shower. I couldn’t remember how I had gotten there, but I am sure it was something stupid. People who know their limits don’t end up passed out naked in a YMCA. I don’t have the o switch in my brain telling me when to stop—no natural sense of boundaries alerting me to when I am on the verge of taking something too far. When I do these things, it doesn’t feel as if I’m so overwhelmed by the carrot; it’s more like I am so unimpressed by the stick. I have always lived in the worst neighborhoods. Rent is cheap and I gure there’s no need for me to pay a safety premium if I have health insurance. It drives my friends and family crazy, but it makes me easy to shop for when it comes to birthdays and Christmas: pepper spray, dead bolts, automobile theft deterrents, etc. Just after college I lived next door to a drug-infested Chicago housing project, taking night jogs through the neighborhood with headphones blaring loud enough to cover the sounds of gunshots, which were pretty loud. Recently I walked in on my apartment getting burglarized for the second time—the rst time was just a few days after I had moved in. When it’s not getting burglarized, I get visitors banging on my door at all hours of the night. (I think one of my neighbors might be a drug dealer and these people are mistaking my apartment for his. Just idle conjecture.) Perhaps my risk taking can be best seen in terms of my affection for and mishaps with motor vehicles. I love cars. I feel invincible behind the wheel, and I often put myself and others at risk because I didn’t think through the consequences of my decisions. Once when my brakes started going out, I opted to drive the car into the mechanic’s rather than pay for a tow, even though I had driven much too long on the brakes, until they were all but useless. It was rainy that day and I had to drive several miles on a steady decline. Making matters worse, when I got close to the shop, I saw that I would have to cross a bridge over train tracks, which rose and fell dramatically over the distance of about a block on a busy four-lane main thoroughfare. By the time I was at the bottom of the bridge without brakes, I was going at least forty- ve miles an hour, much too fast for tra c that was slowing at a red stoplight up ahead. Making a split-section decision, I jerked the wheel to the left and power-slid across two lanes of opposing tra c, across both lanes of a parallel frontage road, and nally jolted to a stop when the right rear and then front wheel made contact with the curb on the far side of the street. I looked up at the addresses on the buildings and noticed that I was just south of the driveway to the mechanic’s, so I crawled into the parking lot and used the parking brake to come to a full stop, all to the gaping stares of onlookers. Of course I was pretty pleased with myself at the time. It’s nice to have proof of your seeming invincibility. But if it had gone horribly wrong—had my car slid o the bridge and exploded on impact—I would have felt much the same about it. As long as I keep surviving, I seem okay. It’s not that bad things don’t happen to me; they do. But I just don’t feel that bad about them. Maybe in the moment I feel some regret or anxiety, but it’s quickly forgotten and the world seems ripe with promise again. I’m not superhuman, not entirely immune to sorrow or pain. I just have an extremely robust sense of optimism and self-worth that keeps me looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. Although I am largely immune to misery, my siblings and friends aren’t. They sometimes hate me for my recklessness and the third-party externalities it causes. I vividly remember trying to coax my frozen hands to operate a tire jack in a snowdrift on the side of the road, replacing the tire that I had “ xed” myself a couple days earlier while my oldest brother spat epithets in my direction. After one burglary too many, my friend begged me to move to a di erent neighborhood—for peace of mind. When I assured her I was not bothered by the experience, she pressed on, saying, “Peace of mind for your loved ones, then.” It’s hard to nd any incentive to change, though. I have always managed to get out of scrapes, whether that meant begging for money from strangers, pleading for mercy from police, or spinning webs of lies to cover my tracks. Because I was always willing to go double or nothing and because my unlucky streaks never lasted for long, I always managed to come out okay. And precautions are expensive, either in terms of actual costs for safety or opportunity costs for risks that you could have taken but didn’t. I understand that for a lot of people precautions are worth the money for, as my friend put it, “peace of mind.” But my mind is almost always at peace no matter what I do. Which is why I never bothered to be more careful. After a number of years of living as a self-diagnosed sociopath, even running a blog for sociopaths, I decided to get formally assessed. At rst I wasn’t inclined to seek a professional diagnosis. I had read all of the criticisms of the diagnostic criteria. I trusted my own self-assessment as much as I would anybody who happened to have a degree in psychology. However, eventually I decided that the lack of formal diagnosis might lead some readers to discount my point of view. Without a formal diagnosis, how could they know that I was an actual sociopath? I gured that if I was going to risk outing myself as a member of one of the most hated subclasses of humans, I might as well ensure that people believed me. My diagnostician was Dr. John Edens, PhD, a professor at Texas A & M and a leading researcher in the eld of sociopathy, whose opinions have recently been solicited for articles in the New York Times and on NPR, among other media outlets. Dr. Edens worried that the test he intended to give me was strongly wedded to Hare’s criminaloriented model of sociopathy. Given that I had no documented criminal record, Dr. Edens felt that the test score in my case might be somewhat questionable and might in fact understate my true level of sociopathic traits. I underwent a form of the PCL-R, the PCL:SV (Psychopathy Checklist: Screening Version), among other tests. The PCL:SV, as the name implies, is a checklist of criteria historically associated with Hare’s conceptualization of psychopathy. It was developed to assess for psychopathic features while relying less on the extensive le and criminalhistory data required to complete the PCL-R. The PCL:SV is comprised of twelve individual criteria scored from 0 to 2 points, which are summed to form a total score from 0 to 24. The test is divided equally into two parts. Part 1 includes the personality traits typically associated with sociopathy, including lack of remorse and empathy for others, and interpersonal behaviors, including deceitfulness and grandiosity. Part 2 taps more socially deviant behaviors and activities, including irresponsibility, impulsivity, and adult antisocial behavior. During the interview, I was asked about my signi cant history of impulsive, aggressive, and generally irresponsible conduct—things like st ghts and theft—that, while perhaps not having resulted in criminal charges, easily could have led to various encounters with the criminal justice system under di erent life circumstances. Dr. Edens noted in my report that these actions appear to have been almost entirely for thrillseeking purposes rather than for any type of economic gain or other instrumental purpose. He noted: “Whether Ms. Thomas’s lack of police contact has been due to her successfully manipulating her way out of ‘jams,’ various protective factors evident in her life (e.g., high intelligence and educational success, generally supportive family structure, and other socioeconomic advantages), random luck, or some combination of all of the above is unclear at this time.” I talked about my family, my reckless teenage years, my inability to stick with my jobs after law school, and my subsequent selfanalysis that had led me to his o ce, telling Dr. Edens stories that I had all but forgotten. I scored a total of 19 out of 24 on the PCL:SV. There are no sharp diagnostic cuto s, but according to the manual, scores of 18 and higher “o er a strong indication of psychopathy.” I got a 12 for part 1 (personality) and a 7 for part 2 (antisocial behavior). Dr. Edens remarked: “Notably, 12 is the maximum score one can obtain on Part 1 of this rating scale and indicates the presence of pronounced a ective and interpersonal characteristics typically evidenced by highly psychopathic individuals.” This linear grading system is in line with recent evidence that, in Robert Hare’s words, “psychopathy is dimensional (i.e., more or less), not categorical (i.e., either or).” Those with higher scores are more outwardly antisocial, but even those with lower scores “may present signi cant problems for those around them, just as those with blood pressure readings below an accepted threshold for hypertension may be at medical risk.” So Dr. Edens also had me take several other personality tests designed to look for sociopathic personalities. The most specific to sociopathy was probably the Psychopathic Personality Inventory–Revised (PPI-R), a self-report questionnaire developed to tap various personality characteristics historically thought to be indicative of psychopathic personality. This scale provides both a total score indicative of a global index of psychopathic traits as well as eight subscales that assess more speci c traits. Dr. Edens reported: “Perhaps more notably, Ms. Thomas’s results were beyond the 99th percentile for any sub-sample within the PPI-R’s normative database, regardless of age or gender. Needless to say, these ndings are highly consistent with a psychopathic personality structure.” Other tests included the revised NEO Personality Inventory, also a self-report questionnaire, for which Dr. Edens noted that my pro le mirrored that of “the prototypical psychopathic personality among females.” Finally, I took the Personality Assessment Inventory, for which I scored very high for traits like egocentrism and sensation-seeking characteristics, interpersonal dominance, verbal aggression, and excessive self-esteem, as well as very low scores on measures tapping negative a ective experiences (e.g., phobias, traumatic stressors, depressive symptoms), interpersonal nurturance, and stressful life events. I liked Dr. Edens. He seemed like a reasonable person—a genuinely caring person. At one point during our interview I thought that he might cry, he seemed so distressed on my behalf. I don’t remember what we were discussing, perhaps some story about my father beating me. I think if anything he was worried for me—worried about what a diagnosis like “sociopath” would mean for me in my life. Of course it’s hard for me to worry about things like that. If I can’t manage to care about my own health and safety, I’m not likely to care about the potential fallout in my professional and personal life from being o cially diagnosed a sociopath. He must have realized that too. Maybe that’s why he seemed troubled. We talked about how none of the tests are designed for someone like me, who seeks the diagnosis of her own free will and choice. Criminals have an incentive in an institutional setting to lie and distort their self-assessments, particularly in situations like a parole hearing. The diagnostic tests were designed to be administered with a healthy dose of skepticism. But what to do with an individual who seems to have an incentive to be diagnosed a sociopath? Several times he noted how I could possibly be tricking him by lying to him to make myself seem more sociopathic than I was, but he had to admit that lying for the purpose of self-aggrandizement was also consistent with sociopathy. Still, I wasn’t really tempted to lie. It would have seemed silly to lie. I was genuinely looking for answers and insight—as much as you can get from a three-hour appointment with a stranger. Whenever suspected sociopaths write to me and ask whether they should get tested, I almost always tell them no. It’s just too risky. Because there is no real treatment, the only upside to a formal diagnosis is peace of mind, that you know who you are. The downside is having a major blemish on your record that could a ect every aspect of your life, should it fall into the wrong hands. Even Dr. Edens showed an overabundance of caution in sanitizing the e-mailed version of the report, lest the “Internet gremlins” intercept it. At the end of our several hourlong sessions Dr. Edens asked me, “What would you think if I told you that you are not a sociopath?” It was a question I had asked myself many times before. What if I just stopped the blog? What if I stopped trying to nd answers in new psychological research? “I don’t know, I guess I would be annoyed that I spent all day traveling and talking to you for nothing?” I replied. He laughed. When it was time to leave he told me how much I owed him for his time. I had forgotten my checkbook. We both joked at how that was a likely story from a sociopath. I left his o ce having no clue what he would put in the report. But I knew we shared a perception that sociopathy was understudied, overvillainized, and an important issue to get right. When I got the report back a couple weeks later it con rmed what I had suspected for a while—both in terms of my own diagnosis and also understanding better the inconclusiveness and subjectivity of the modern psychiatric diagnostic process. A nal question regarding detection is, why do we need to detect sociopaths? When I was growing up, my grandfather raised chickens and other animals on his ranch. Each chicken laid approximately one egg a day, so if he had seven chickens at the time, we would expect to see seven eggs. My grandfather was always very careful to feed the chickens and collect the eggs every day and taught me to be equally diligent when I stayed with him. If not, he said, the chickens might turn to eating their own eggs, and once a chicken has a taste for egg, it will continue eating eggs and have to be killed. I don’t know if it is really true that there is no cure for a cannibalistic chicken, but that is what he told me to scare me into feeding the chickens and collecting their eggs regularly. One time while I was gone, he got sick and couldn’t visit the chicken coop every day to feed them and collect their eggs. When he nally did get out there, he saw broken eggshells everywhere, the evidence of egg eating. Ever after, there were always one or two eggs missing from or pecked over in the daily collections. At least one chicken had gotten a taste for egg and wasn’t willing to give it up, even with the renewed ample food source. “How are we going to find out which one of them it is?” I asked. “What do you mean?” “We need to kill the chicken that is eating the other eggs.” He just laughed. “No, seriously, Grandpa. One of these chickens is eating our food, taking up room in our coop, and ruining our eggs. We have to find out which one it is and kill it, right?” “I don’t have time to sit watching chickens. Plus that chicken actually helps. It helps to remind me to stay vigilant about caring for the other chickens and collecting the eggs. It also reminds me that nature is cutthroat, and that human nature is just that.” I wasn’t satis ed with my grandfather’s reasoning. The next day I woke up early and kept watch over the chicken coop. I saw the chickens go into the nesting area and lay their eggs, one by one. I also saw one of the chickens begin toying with an egg with its claws and pecking at it with its beak. I thought about killing the chicken. I had learned how to slaughter a chicken by hanging it up by its feet, securing its head in my weak hand, and with my strong hand locating the jugular vein with a knife and slitting it open, spilling the blood on the ground while the chicken apped itself to death. The whole process took no longer than ve minutes. Instead I yelled at the chicken, causing it to scurry away. I gathered the remaining viable eggs and walked back into the house. I wondered if the chickens knew which one was the egg eater, and if they didn’t, what they would do if they found out. Chapter 3 WE’RE CREEPY AND WE’RE KOOKY I grew up in a home with many siblings, but my favorite has always been my older brother Jim. When he was eighteen he snapped and became what he later called “the Lone Wolf.” On a trip with some of his friends he got sick and soiled himself in the parking lot of Walmart. The embarrassment and anxiety from this incident seems to have triggered a fugue state; he didn’t tell his friends or even have the common decency to go inside the store to clean up. Instead he stripped his underwear o and left it on the asphalt of the parking lot, and segregated himself from the rest of the group. After searching they found him wandering around a di erent section of the lot and with skill convinced him to return to the car. For the rest of the now-awkward trip he wore a single set of dirty clothes and refused to wash himself. For the most part, he couldn’t speak in coherent sentences, or really do anything to function like a human being. After a few days, he became Jim again, but he couldn’t answer questions about the Lone Wolf and still can’t. For lack of better words, I would describe the adult Jim as fragile. He is very sensitive to stress, easily overwhelmed by the most insigni cant things, and almost consistently nervous. He acts like an abused dog that has been kicked one too many times in the stomach to feel at ease around strangers. Despite intensive therapy, he still can’t seem to keep it together and will lash out in passive-aggressive ways or retreat completely, leaving a shell of himself behind. When I look at him I sometimes wonder, is this what empath M.E. would have looked like? I could never imagine myself turning out like Jim, which makes me wonder—how did the same stimulation produce two opposite characters? I often think about Jim—my empathetic counterpart—when questions arise about whether I was born as a sociopath or made into this by the circumstances of my childhood. There is compelling scienti c evidence to suggest that sociopathy has a strong genetic component. Studies also show that sociopathic traits are stable and consistent through an individual’s lifetime. Identical twins who share 100 percent of their genes have been found far more likely to both exhibit sociopathic traits than fraternal twins, who share only 50 percent of their genes. The closest thing I have to a twin is my brother Jim. At a little more than a year apart in age, we were often mistaken for fraternal twins. Jim and I did everything together. It’s safe to say that we had nearly identical upbringings and experiences, but we turned into starkly opposite adults. In a large park in the city where I grew up there was a giant concrete dinosaur, a brontosaurus. Most of him lay beneath the surface of the sandlot, his massive body never to be excavated. Only his long neck and purple tail stuck out into the world— perfect for us kids to climb and swing on. My brother Jim and I spent a lot of time with the brontosaurus in late afternoons and early evenings—sometimes many hours—when my mother was meant to pick us up after school. It was near to the school but remote enough that it was out of sight of the school monitors. No one would suspect we had been forgotten by our parent, and we had prepared stories for ourselves in case anyone approached us: “Our mom is at the principal’s o ce discussing our progress,” or “Our mom was just called away for an emergency. She is having a neighbor come get us right now.” The truth is we had no idea why our mother never seemed to be able to pick us up on time, but we didn’t want to deal with the hassle of concerned strangers, so we lied. The story always involved a responsible adult just footsteps away, even as the sunlight waned. One sunny afternoon when I was around ten years old and my brother eleven, my parents took us down to the park. It must have been a primary school holiday, because I remember that our older brother still had high school, but there were no other kids around. They deposited us by the brontosaurus and went o to do their own thing while we played our warrior and submarine games with each other and our old, slightly decrepit dinosaur friend, ipping ourselves onto his neck, reaching our arms into the dark crevasse of his lazily half-open mouth. When we tired of him, we hiked into the bamboo-infested creek and pretended we were Vietcong soldiers padding soundlessly through the jungle. After an hour or so of this, we headed back to the parked car just in time to see our parents get in. I remember seeing my father open the door for my mother and her taking her seat in the leisurely, elegant way that she often did. Since my parents appeared to be getting ready to leave, my brother and I picked up our speed and walked a little faster toward them. We were looking forward to going home and getting something to eat, as our soldiering play had worked up our appetites. We were about 150 yards away from them when we heard the car start, but we didn’t begin sprinting until we saw the car’s reverse lights ash on, indicating that they had shifted out of park. I am not sure when I realized that our parents were leaving us. Even as the car drove through the narrow park roads, and we ran as fast as we could and screamed at the top of our lungs, I didn’t think that they would leave. I wonder if they saw their kids trailing them in their rearview mirror like a scene from a horror show, monsters from whom they were trying desperately to escape in a low-speed chase—the low rumbling of their car in contrast to our wild gasping and hoarse yelling, our animal footfalls haphazard against the pavement. We followed my parents’ car for a half mile or more, but we weren’t quite able to keep up with them through the park roads. When they hit the main road, we couldn’t keep up at all, and they were soon gone. The moment when you stop running after your parents’ car is the moment that you lose hope. The gods are fallen and all safety is gone. It is a physical realization, in which hope drains out of you in direct proportion to the dwindling adrenaline that propels your body forward. Hundreds of pounding heartbeats later, doubled over and gasping for breath in the middle of the road, we might have listened for the sound of brakes and a car turning around. If we did, we didn’t share it with each other. Instead, we made suggestions as to why they would leave us. Maybe they forgot that we had come with them, or there really had been some kind of emergency, perhaps involving dismemberment or maiming. Maybe they had gotten into an argument. We attempted to nd patterns in their behavior, any sort of predictability that we could rely on, but their actions were often unexplainable. We sensed, though, that they would not come back for us. Actually, we knew they wouldn’t, and they didn’t. We could have taken our chances on the winding road up to our house, but we decided instead to strike out on our own. For my brother, it may have been an attempt to shame my parents out of their bad behavior, the way that small children frequently run away, hoping to prompt their parents to cry heavy tears of remorse. For me, I wanted to see if we really did need my mom and dad, or if having to be a part of their family was all a ction we were taught by church and television to keep us doing Saturday chores. We didn’t really sit down to make a plan for our survival, but we knew we needed supplies, so we walked over to the nearby high school, where our older brother’s car was parked. Jim forced open a window while I reached my skinny arm in to unlock it. Inside was a treasure trove of ski equipment from a not-too-recent ski trip. We collected all of the knitwear for warmth and protection for the days ahead, and since we didn’t have anything to carry the stu in, we wore all of the clothes in layers upon layers. Each of us put on several hats, pairs of gloves, and jackets, many of which were grossly oversized. We looked ridiculously overdressed for a Southern California late afternoon, piled up with knit caps and gloves, but our minds were on surviving through the coming months. We were very hungry. The obvious solution was to beg, and we were conveniently dressed for the occasion. We tried to nd a piece of cardboard and a marker to make a sign but we only found some college-ruled lined paper and ballpoint pens. (Now when I see a beggar on the street, I often wonder at his resourcefulness in nding a thick permanent marker, a piece of cardboard, and scissors or a knife to cut it into an adequately sized rectangle.) But the street was in a forested, residential area and there was no tra c to which we could appeal. We just hung out, sweating in our homelessstyle knitwear and kicking dirt. I’m not sure how long we stood there before we got bored and hungry and decided to give in. I never resented my parents for leaving us that day. I don’t know why they left. Maybe they just willed us to disappear from their minds for a little while. If they thought about it at all, I think they believed that the only realistic consequence was that we might have su ered a bit having to make that precarious walk home. If I resented them for anything it was for making us believe that they wouldn’t leave. They bought into the “ ction” that we were a conventional family, the kind that looked out for each other, and that they were conventional parents. It wasn’t that they didn’t love us—I know they did in their own way—but at the same time it’s not like it mattered; their love served no purpose to me. Their good intentions did not make my life any better, rather they seemed only to insulate them from the truth, allowing them to live in a dark world of collusion through which reason and objective facts could not penetrate. Anything that didn’t leave permanent physical scars requiring explanation to their friends and neighbors went unnoticed. I was raised as the middle child in a Royal Tenenbaums–ish family with a violent and shaming father and an indi erent, sometimes hysterical mother. I had a group of four siblings that banded together as if we were a small but well-trained militia. Growing up we had the distinct impression we were better than everyone else, and that the only people who could understand and appreciate us were the other members of our family. My parents married young, my mom at twenty and my dad twenty-three. My mother had been coerced by her own dysfunctional family into dropping out of college. Once back home, she dated aggressively, trying out men who could save her. I am not sure why she chose my dad, but she did it quickly, pinning him down and asking if he was going to propose only a few months after meeting him. She gave birth to my oldest brother in the rst year of their marriage and continued steadily to have babies after that. My father was a lawyer. When he and my mother were dating, he worked for a big law rm, but after that job fell apart he began his own small-time legal practice. He liked to think of himself as a modern-day Atticus Finch, sometimes accepting baked goods as payment from his clients. He was phenomenally unreliable as a breadwinner, and we often came home from a day at the amusement park to nd that the power had been shut o , because we were months behind in paying for our electricity. He spent thousands of dollars on expensive hobbies, while we were bringing a handful of oranges from our backyard to school for lunch. The year I was twelve he didn’t le a tax return. He owned his business, hadn’t paid or withheld any taxes all year, and then just didn’t feel like paying them when April 15 rolled around. Of course he got audited and whatever remained of our financial security evaporated. Much more serious than any nancial hardships I experienced, however, my father’s emotional and moral hypocrisy taught me not to trust emotions or anything else that couldn’t be backed up with hard, indisputable fact. If my heart turned hard, I believe it was in response to his maudlin displays of feelings and insincere appeals to virtue. I am not sure how other people perceived my father, but I know that he tried very hard to present himself as a good man and a good parent—to the world, to himself, and to us. He liked to think of himself as an admirable person, and almost everything he did was in service to this desire. He had a habit of listing his achievements, as if he carried his own mental dossier in his head for the purpose of recitation: his bar association, his service to clients, his standing in the church, and most important, his philanthropic ventures. He needed the world to know that he was a giving, generous person. My parents were involved in some of our school activities, particularly the musical ones. Sometimes my dad ran lights for my high school band performances while my mother accompanied the choir members. I think they must have been pillars of our provincial little society. Once we were running late when, in the car on the way to a concert, I realized I had forgotten to bring my instrument. We did not risk their missing their engagements by turning back; instead, I stood in the wings while my mother sang and my father ran the house lights, nding nothing unusual about my parents participating in my school event while I was excluded. Whenever my father behaved badly, I think he felt more disappointment in betraying that image of himself than for damaging us. It didn’t matter whether he really was this ideal person; it only mattered that he looked that way, even to himself. I could not respect how easily he could deceive himself. We would watch sad movies together as a family, and he would turn to my mother with tears in his eyes, holding out his forearm and exclaiming: “Look! Goose bumps!” He wanted desperately for us to witness evidence of his ability to feel, to be human, and he needed our a rmation of this fact more than anything else. One day when I was around eight years old I was watching a news special with my father when I made a callous remark about a disabled child. He asked in horror, “Have you no empathy?” I had to ask him what he meant. I just didn’t know the word, but he acted like I was a monster. The message was clear: His feelings and sense of selfrighteousness made him a paradigm of humanity; my lack of feelings made me a blemish on his good name. It’s hard to overstate how much I loathed him for these very simple things. The very rst recurring dream that I can remember was about killing him with my bare hands. There was something thrilling about the violence of it, smashing a door into his head repeatedly, smirking as he fell motionless to the oor, no longer able to parade around the globe in his imagined greatness. It was reassuring to know that I could do it if I needed to, and my dreams were a place where I could practice and plan for it—working out and relishing every detail of quieting him from our lives. My mother is beautiful. Throughout my childhood, people regularly stopped her in the street and told her so. When she was young, she was very musically talented, or at least we thought so. She taught piano lessons to neighborhood kids, and sometimes it seemed like our family was living o the forty dollars a month she made o each student. For three hours every day after school, kids would rotate through the house, banging on the keys of the family piano, while we would watch television or do our homework. I remember waiting on the staircase for whatever kid to nish, judging his performance and resenting him for making me wait for my mother’s attention. At the end-of-year recitals, I suspected her obvious pleasure had less to do with each child’s individual accomplishments and more to do with her own achievement of coaxing beautiful or semicoherent music out of such unformed things. My mother loved the spotlight, and it suited her. After my youngest sister was born, my mother got serious about her actress/singer ambitions. She auditioned for and got a supporting role in a professional dinner theater production, and she’d come home glowing from each performance, on a high from the applause and adulation. She appeared in several musicals and concerts after that and became a staple in community productions. My father especially enjoyed the concerts that involved our church choir, which our friends and neighbors would be guaranteed to attend. However, when my mother’s career took her too far away and therefore had no directly positive impact on his reputation, he would berate her for needing attention and admiration from outside of the family, meaning anyone other than him. It is true that she did need the attention and admiration from outside of our house. I think it filled in the empty spaces in her, built up a temporary infrastructure to maintain her as a going concern, a functional adult and parent. By the time she pursued her acting dreams, she had already put away her hopes of my father’s becoming a wealthy, successful attorney. Her kids kept multiplying and gaining more volume and mobility, lling her house with chores and responsibilities that further constricted any space available for her own breathing and dreaming. Fictional characters allowed her to take refuge from us and her life, to escape into dialogues and story lines that did not involve scraped knees and stu y noses. She needed to enjoy the freedom of being a di erent person for a few nights a week, of being appreciated for aesthetics rather than domestic utility. Whenever one of us would get sick or hurt, my mother would throw up her arms and cry, “Oh great! Well now what am I supposed to do?” And you could see all the ruined plans and missed opportunities for the day ash across her face like ripples in a pond. Every cup of tea she would prepare for you would be accompanied with sighs. Every “Are you feeling better?” was loaded with accusatory urgency, as if your failure to get better was a direct assault on her ability to live freely and well. When the seasons or plays inevitably ended, she would become deeply depressed—to the point of becoming physically ill. She totaled several cars. I imagine her mind involuntarily searching out happier memories of being onstage or laughing with friends, undeterred by red lights or road signs. Perhaps they were not memories at all that had distracted her, but fantasies of another life she could have had if she had made only slightly different choices. Her car accidents were like little earthquakes in our lives, reminders of our mortality, and consequently that we (and she) were alive. I respected her little rebellions, even if they meant that I would go hungry for a few evenings or my brother’s head would get split from the impact of the car windshield. I don’t remember ever being angry with her for these things; she was just trying to live, and it is true that our existences, over which she had little control, had interfered with her happiness in countless ways. My dad, of course, would point with recrimination to my brother’s wounded forehead after the accidents. But no one really cared about my brother’s forehead—least of all my dad— and life went on as it always did. But she did get us soup when we were sick. She fed us and clothed us, as did my father. She put her hand on our foreheads with looks of concern that made wrinkles in her own forehead. She kissed us at bedtime; he did too. And even though I did not, my mother would cry when my father beat me with his belt, for what I can’t remember. And when I graduated from law school, my father genuinely rejoiced—never had I seen him so happy as that day. I never doubted their love for me, but their love was inconstant. It was sometimes very ugly. It didn’t prevent me from harm; rather, it often caused me harm. The more they felt secure in their love for me, the less they seemed prompted actually to look after my well-being. I learned a lot from my parents. I learned to limit the emotional e ect that other people could have on me. I learned to be self-su cient. They taught me that love is exceedingly unreliable, and so I have never relied on it. The question of nature versus nurture for sociopaths is controversial. Arguing “nature” seems to give sociopaths a free pass—being “born with it” somehow makes them more pitiable and acceptable by society. Whereas arguing “nurture” suggests that sociopaths can one day reverse their condition through hard work and therapy, or alternatively recruit more of their kind by abusing children. The answer is more complicated than that, however. Psychologists and scientists believe sociopathy, like almost everything about us, is some combination of genes and environment. While there is a clear heritable link, environment also plays a huge role in triggering those genes and how a particular sociopath develops. According to psychologist and author of Social Intelligence Daniel Goleman, if a gene never gets expressed, “we may as well not possess that gene at all,” which raises an interesting question—are you a sociopath if it is coded in your genes but it’s not expressed in your behavior? Sometimes there is no clear answer to how or why a person’s sociopath genes get triggered. As for myself, I have always felt like I am precariously balanced, neither on the right side nor the wrong side of life but ready at every moment to tip completely to one side or another. I often wonder how di erent my life would have been if my upbringing were any better or worse than it was. Some of the most formative environmental factors for sociopaths may have happened before the sociopath’s earliest memory. Although the brain doesn’t reach maturity until twenty, according to Dr. Goleman, the rst twenty-four months of a human being’s life are most central to her development, as it is the period of greatest growth. For mice, the corollary period is the rst twelve hours after birth. Baby mice who are licked and thus nurtured more by their mothers during these hours thrive better and are more clever and self-assured; those babies that are less licked become slower learners, easily overwhelmed, and anxious. Scientists have hypothesized that for humans the equivalent might be empathy, attunement, and touch. Dr. Goleman’s research accords with the infant attachment theory rst developed by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, who conducted research on orphans after World War II. He and other scientists found that children who had not been regularly touched in their infancy failed to thrive, did not grow, and even sometimes died. According to attachment theory, infants who receive insu cient or no responses from their parents during distress grow to be rebellious, independent, and detached children, failing to prefer their parents over strangers. As adults they have trouble making lasting, meaningful relationships. When I was an infant I had a particularly bad case of colic, a poorly understood condition a ecting infants whose main symptom is frequent, inconsolable crying. My parents complain about it even now, what a di cult child I was, especially because I came so soon after my brother Jim, who was needy in his way. My parents have very vivid memories of taking me to functions with my extended family during which I would wail the entire time. Each aunt, uncle, or grandparent would think they had the solution, and each would eventually give up in desperation. When my parents recount the stories now, they express a hint of vindication that no one else could console me. It seems to re ect a happy truth for them—that there was nothing wrong with them as parents, only something wrong with me. My father openly acknowledges that he would frequently just leave me in a room to cry myself to exhaustion. At the age of six weeks I was nally taken to my pediatrician—I had ruptured my navel due to excessive crying. I’m sure my parents did as well as they could, but it no doubt must have been di cult to tolerate such a child, much less nurture it. Long after my colic days were done, my mother says that I was a remarkably independent child. When I was left in the church’s nursery for the rst time, I was the only baby who didn’t cry or ask for my parents, playing quietly and happily with the unfamiliar toys of the schoolroom until I was picked up. It was as if it made no di erence to me where I was or who was looking after me. Maybe I missed a window of opportunity, like those less-licked baby mice. The brain learns di erent skills at di erent stages that are tied to neural development and growth. If a child misses the correct developmental window to learn a particular skill or concept, for example empathy, that child’s brain may never be able to catch up or become normal. The most extreme examples are of children who grow up in isolation or in the wild, sometimes known as feral children. The Tampa Bay Times reported the story of Danielle Crockett, who was rescued by police from her mother’s trash- and vermin- lled home in July 2005. Upon discovering Danielle locked in a closet and living in her own lth, one of the o cers, a rookie, staggered out the front door to vomit. A veteran investigator of the Florida Department of Children and Families was spotted hunched over the steering wheel of her parked car, sobbing. “Unbelievable,” she described it. “The worst I’ve ever seen.” Danielle was six years old at the time but looked more like a four-year-old. She wore diapers, was nonverbal, and was unable to walk or feed herself. As the police o cer ung her over his shoulder, her diaper leaking down his uniform, her mother shrieked at him, “Don’t take my baby!” Danielle had a “normal” brain, with no sign of genetic mental retardation, but she behaved as if she were severely mentally handicapped. One doctor called it “environmental autism,” although as she put it, “even a child with the most severe autism responds to [hugs and a ection].” Danielle did not react to people in any way. “In the rst ve years of life, 85 percent of the brain is developed,” she said. “Those early relationships, more than anything else, help wire the brain and provide children with the experience to trust, to develop language, to communicate. They need that system to relate to the world.” Danielle will never be normal. After several years she was able to be potty trained and taught how to feed herself, though she still does not speak. When she was taken in by an adoptive family, the Miami Herald asked, “Will their love be enough?” The short answer is no. Her brain had missed too many windows of opportunity—too many neural connections were never made. Sometimes I hear people say that they were “born this way,” whatever way that happens to be. To say you are born a sociopath is like saying you were born smart or born tall. Yes, you may have the genetic predisposition for intelligence or height, or indeed to speak or walk upright, but the existence of feral children is an important reminder that no one is destined for any outcome at birth, that we rely on the most basic daily interactions, nutrition, culture, education, experiences, and myriad other influences in our development to become who we become. Was I born to charm? Born to harm? If we can’t say for sure, then how did I get here? Given that a propensity for emotional problems runs in my family, I think my genetic predisposition to sociopathy was triggered largely because I never learned how to trust. In particular, my parents’ erratic emotional lives taught me that I couldn’t depend on anyone to protect me. Rather than looking to other people for stability, I learned to depend on myself. Because interaction with other people is inevitable, I inevitability learned manipulation, particularly how to direct and misdirect people’s attention to achieve my desired outcomes. For instance, my experiences taught me that it was useless to appeal to people’s love or sense of duty, so I appealed to other, more salient emotions like fear or people’s own desperate desire to be loved. I viewed everyone as objects, pieces in my chess game. I had no awareness of their own internal worlds and no understanding of their emotional palette because their bright hues were so di erent from my own drab shades of gray. Perhaps because I never thought of people as being distinct individuals with their own senses of self and manifest destiny, I never learned to think of myself that way either. I had no de nite sense of self to adhere to or otherwise be invested in. Largely without structure, my life became an endless series of reactions to contingencies, impulsive decision-making driving me from one day to the next. Unlike people without my genetic predispositions who might have come out of these experiences desperately searching for love to fill the void, I felt largely indifferent. After my brother Jim and I walked home from the park that day, our parents’ car was parked outside in the driveway, just like it always was. Inside, they didn’t ask us any questions. In general, they didn’t worry about our su ering. I think our su ering did not register with them because they could feel no consequences resulting from it. And because we were the kind of children that accepted silence as explanation, they never experienced recrimination. It was as if it had never happened. They went to bed that night satisfied that their children were safe and warm like anyone else’s. Now that I am grown and can see my family dynamics with better perspective, I am more convinced than ever that the environment in which I was raised had a signi cant role to play in my development into a sociopath. Lots of children live in families with unreliable parents, physical discipline, and nancial instability—these things aren’t uncommon. But I can see how the antisocial behaviors and mental posturing that now de ne me were incentivized when I was growing up—how my own emotional world was sti ed and how understanding and respect for the emotional world of others died away. But there’s a chicken-and-egg problem here: it’s hard to know whether my distrust of my dad’s overt displays of compassion caused me to downplay my own sense of morality, or whether I never really had much of a conscience to begin with, and that is why my dad always seemed so ridiculous to me. I don’t ever remember thinking di erently than I do now, but I do have a sensation or memory of an early cognitive fork where I chose to think more proactively. I must have been somewhere between ages four and six. Here’s an example to illustrate what I mean: Have you ever been a pedestrian at a tra c light? There’s always a moment of hesitation when you arrive at your corner and see the red hand telling you it’s not safe to walk. You could follow what it says and just wait your turn. Or you could make your own assessment of whether it is safe to cross by looking at the cars and studying the tra c light patterns. There are advantages to both approaches. The one is safe and doesn’t require mental e ort. The other one is risky and possibly will only shave a few seconds o your commute at best and land you in the hospital at worst. But if you get good at it, those few seconds could multiply by the thousands over years of commuting. And there’s something demoralizing about standing on a corner while a host of braver souls plows into the intersection, eager to get on with their lives. I could sense this was true about life, even at the age of four or so. I could choose to take charge of my life, to leverage my time, talents, and health, and to potentially pro t or die trying. Or I could contentedly get in line and wait my turn. It was not a di cult choice to make, but rather a decision made in direct response to my environment and how I could best survive and even thrive in that environment. My way seemed to o er a competitive advantage. I chose to eschew relying on instinct and instead to rely on rigid mental analysis and hyper-awareness of all of my thoughts, actions, and decisions. Years later I questioned whether I had made a mistake—and whether it was possible for me somehow to still be normal. Maybe there were legitimate reasons why everyone else thought the way they did about life. Maybe crying really is the best response to being hurt instead of vengeance. Maybe love is more valuable than power in relationships. But by then it was too late. The windows had closed. Growing up, everyone in the family was inclined to interpret things that I did as normal. There were other words for what I was, words other than “sociopath.” “Tomboy” explained why I was reckless all of the time. Did you know that drowning deaths for boys are four times what they are for girls? No one really has a good explanation other than that boys tend to be more reckless, less judicious, and more impulsive. So when I was a child jumping o ocean jetties into heavy surf, no one thought I was a sociopath—they thought I was a tomboy. “Precocious” explained my xation on the power structures of the adult world. Most children are content to live in their own child worlds. I found my peers, particularly my non-siblings, to be unbearably simpleminded. Unlike them, I was obsessed with learning everything there was to learn about how the world worked, on both micro and macro levels. I would hear something in school or in casual adult conversation like Vietnam or atomic bomb and then spend a week or two obsessed with learning everything I could about this new thing, this thing that seemed to matter so much to other people. I remember the rst time I heard about AIDS. I must have been seven or eight years old. My aunt was babysitting me. She was a childlike woman and I could tell from her interactions with my parents that she had no power or in uence in the outside world (there were plenty of those people, I had already noticed). She doted on us because she had no children of her own (there were many of those people as well, easy marks for a child’s manipulation). We heard AIDS on the news. My aunt got upset and started crying. I didn’t know at the time but found out soon that her uncle, my great-uncle, was sick, and gay, and that was one of the reasons why AIDS seemed so fraught for her and others. I asked her what AIDS was. She gave me a child’s understanding of the disease that should have satis ed me, but it didn’t. My need to know the whys and hows of the world was not easily sated. I continued to ask other adults (the only people who seemed interested in the things I was interested in were adults) and they laughed at my interest, calling me precocious. They didn’t call me a sociopath. They never wondered why I wanted to know. They assumed that I wanted to know for the same reason that they wanted to know—fear. And that was partly true, but I was not afraid of AIDS. I only wanted to understand completely why AIDS made everyone else afraid. So it never mattered much what I did because they would readily excuse my behavior in whatever way was convenient or simply ignore it. As a child, my outsize inner life seeped out onto the surface in all sorts of messy ways that my family pretended not to see. I talked to myself all the time, repeating everything I said sotto voce as if I were acting in a dress rehearsal. My parents ignored my blatant and awkward attempts to manipulate, deceive, and inveigle adults. They neglected to notice the odd way that I associated with my childhood acquaintances without really forming connections, never seeing them as anything more than moving objects—instruments in my games. I lied all the time. I stole things, but more often than not, I would just trick kids into giving them to me. I snuck into people’s homes and rearranged their belongings. I broke things, burned things, and bruised people. And I played my part beautifully. I never failed to up the ante in our neighborhood games. If we were jumping o the diving board into the pool, I asked how much more fun it would be to jump o the roof into the pool. If we were dressing up in paramilitary garb, I suggested that we might as well kidnap our neighbor’s lawn ornaments and make elaborate ransom notes for them. We cut out letters from magazines and made a “proof of life” video. Because the neighbors were so goodspirited and we had taken such pains in accomplishing our absurd adventures, we got away with smiles all around. That was the thing with me. I made people smile so much that it was easy to laugh o anything I did as harmless and silly rather than dangerous or reckless. I was a natural clown, an entertainer. I danced with gusto. I yelled and told stories. If there had been YouTube back then, I would have gone viral. My family could often ignore my other quirks because I was so charming and kooky. They could imagine they were just living inside a Saturday-morning television show involving a high-spirited kid and her colorful high jinks. At the end of each episode, they would smile, shrug their shoulders, and shake their heads. But my lack of inhibition also meant that it all came out un ltered, the charm interspersed with the awkward and disturbing. When I was on, I could delight everyone. But sometimes I could be too much. I would demand too much attention, pushing past cuteness to an uncomfortable grotesque. Other times, I would turn off, withdrawing completely into myself as if no one else was around me. I felt like I could turn invisible. I was a perceptive child, but I couldn’t relate to people beyond amusing them, which was just another way for me to make them do or behave how I wanted them to. I didn’t like to be touched and rejected a ection. The only physical contact I wanted entailed violence, and that I craved. The father of one of my best friends in grade school had to pull me aside and sternly ask me to stop beating his daughter. She was this skinny, stringy thing, all bony and with no muscle, with this goofy laugh; it was like she was asking to be slapped. I didn’t know that what I was doing was bad. It didn’t even occur to me that it would hurt her or that she might not like it. I was not a typical child. That was obvious to everyone. I knew I was di erent, but there were no real indications to me of how or why I was di erent. Children are all sel sh things, but maybe I was a little more self-interested than most. Or maybe I was simply more adept at accomplishing my self-serving ends than others, unfettered by conscience or guilt as I was. It was not clear. Young and powerless, I developed my own forms of power by convincing people that pleasing me was in their own best interest. Like many children, I objecti ed everyone around me. I envisioned the people in my life as two-dimensional robots that turned off when I wasn’t directly interacting with them. I loved getting high marks in my classes; it meant I could get away with things other students couldn’t because I was one of the smart kids. I made sure to stay within the realm of socially acceptable childish behavior—or at least to have a sympathetic narrative prepared in case I was caught. Other than being adept at childish manipulation, I never seemed di erent from my peers, at least not in a way that could not be explained by my exceptional intelligence. Everything I learned about power—how great it feels to have it and how terrible it feels to be without it—I learned from my dad. Our relationship for the most part constituted a quiet wrestle for power—he demanded dominion over me as part of his home and family, while I enjoyed undermining what I believed to be his undeserved authority. When I misbehaved I would sometimes get beaten black and blue by my father, but I never reacted. If anything, what bothered me about the beatings was that he thought he was winning our power struggle, but I knew it wouldn’t last. If someone who loves you is hitting you that hard, you have more power than he does. You’ve provoked a reaction in him that he cannot control, and if you are like me, you will use this incident however it suits you for as long as you are associated with him. For my image-obsessed father, the threat of my disclosing these beatings was enough to torture him. Perhaps at a church social gathering I might wince as I lowered myself gingerly into a chair, making meaningful eye contact with my father when well-meaning third parties asked if I was okay, a look of terror ashing over his features as he anticipated my response. Strategically speaking, the beatings were the best thing to happen to me. His guilt and self-hatred were more potent than any other weapon in my little child arsenal and more enduring than any bruises that I may have suffered. My father often made ridiculous demands of his children. He would tape lists of demands like “build a fence” and “ x the sink” to the doors of our bedrooms so we would see them when we woke up. I had gotten used to attempting the impossible when my father requested it. The way he asked me always made it seem like a dare, questioning whether I had the smarts or the courage to make things happen. Because that’s what I prided myself on, getting stu done. Unlike my father, whom I considered to be largely ine cient, I was great at taking care of business. That was my role in the family. His narcissism made him love me for my accomplishments because they re ected well on him, but it also made him hate me because I never bought into his self-image, which was all he ever really cared about. His dossier of civic duty and success meant nothing to me, because I knew better, and mine was and would be far greater than his. I think I did a lot of the same things he did—played baseball, joined a band, attended law school —so that he would know that I was better. I lived my life so that I had no reason to respect him. One night in my early teens, driving home from the movies with my parents, I got into an argument with my father about the movie’s ending, which he thought was about overcoming obstacles and, of course, I thought was about meaninglessness, as I did about most everything those days. I was full of a teenager’s petulance and contrariness mixed with a little more intelligence and cruelty than the average kid. I didn’t mind arguing with him. I in fact made it a point not to back down from any of our arguments, particularly if they presented an opportunity to challenge some part of his provincial worldview, which I had already concluded was distorted in self-serving ways. We were still arguing by the time we pulled into the driveway of our house, and I could tell that he wasn’t going to let it go. I told him, “You believe what you want,” and went into the house. My impassivity often provoked his worst behavior. I should have known that he wasn’t going to let me get away that easily, or maybe I knew but didn’t care. He followed me up the stairs, because it bothered him that his daughter—who was just a child—refused to agree with him, didn’t care if he disagreed with her, and thought nothing of casually dismissing him. At the time, my parents were going through one of their rough patches. My father would bully my mother and she would have momentary breakdowns in which she would lie on the bathroom floor and respond to us by rhyming whatever it was we said to her: “Mom, are you okay?” “What did you say?” “Do you need help? Are you well?” “No, I’m feeling swell.” Sometimes when my parents fought, she would try to assert herself using whatever she had learned from the self-help books that lined the headboard of their bed. One of her favorite lines was “I’m rolling up my window on you.” It meant that she was refusing to let him affect how she felt, which drove him mad. In retrospect I wonder who it was that wrote that self-help book and how many of its readers ended up with swollen lips and bruised eyes. The idea that my father couldn’t make an impact on a person was enraging to him. Had my mother actually rolled up a car window on him he would have smashed the glass. That night as my father became increasingly hostile about our argument over the movie, I told him, “I’m rolling up my window on you,” and then I slipped into the bathroom at the top of the stairs, shutting and locking the door. I knew there would be consequences. I knew he hated that phrase, and that my repetition of it presented the specter of another generation of women in his house who refused to respect or appreciate him, and instead despised him. I also knew that he hated locked doors. I knew these things would damage him, which is what I wanted. And in any case, I needed to pee. It was only a moment before he was pounding on the door. I imagined his face on the other side, getting redder and redder, contorted in an ugly display of anger. I remember wondering detachedly how long I would have to wait for him to go away. He began to shout. “Open up!” “Open up!” “Open up!” Each time he said it was louder than the last, swelling with impending violence. There was a pregnant pause, then the rst big punch into the door, and then a crack. I wondered, curiously, about the door’s sturdiness, about whether its designer contemplated this kind of domestic disturbance to its integrity. I thought about how many blows it would take for my father to get through the door, and I wondered, curiously, how much danger I was really in. What did he imagine he would do when he got through the door? Would he drag me out of the bathroom by my hair, kicking me in the soft of my stomach, screaming at me to agree with him about the ending of the movie? It seemed absurd. I sat down on the tub to wait it out. The loud noises triggered a rush of adrenaline in the form of increased heart rate, heightened sensitivity to sounds, decreased peripheral vision; I observed these facts to myself calmly. I passively ignored their invitation to feel a sense of urgency as being counterproductive. Despite my body’s involuntary physical reactions, there was no emotional panic. I don’t know what it feels like to panic in a situation like this. What would a panicked person even do? There are so few options in such tight quarters. If anything, I was intrigued, curious to see how events would unravel. By now the punches had knocked a hole in the door, and I could see through the hole that his hand was bloody and swollen. I wasn’t concerned about his hand, although it occurs to me that another daughter might have been. I wasn’t glad that he was hurt either, because I knew that it gave him satisfaction to be stricken by such passion that he could disregard his own pain and suffering. The bathroom door was not the only door that would be damaged by my father’s sts. The bedroom door at the end of the hall accumulated several indentations throughout my childhood (it opened to my oldest brother’s bedroom), as did the door to the master bedroom (resulting from ghts with Mom). Walls were occasionally dented from having been punched near the heads of his family members. He kept working at the jagged, splintered hole until it was big enough for him to stick his face through it, which meant that it was of considerable size. I remember achieving confirmation of his ugliness, seeing his face glisten with sweat under the harsh bathroom light. But he wasn’t grimacing in anger as I had imagined; instead, he was smiling widely so that his teeth showed. He asked me with a wild gleefulness, “You are going to roll up your window on me?” By then I must have seemed startled enough to satisfy him. He withdrew his face, and through the hole in the door, I could see that he had lost his propelling anger. Any power I had gained by walking away from him and locking that door was stolen back from me the moment he saw the distress in my eyes, even if it was only slight. He walked over to the closet to take out some gauze and other medical supplies to tend to his hand. In his youth he had worked as an EMT and was very proud of his rst aid skills, so I knew that he would be meticulous with his self-ministering, as a point of pride. When I was certain that he was fully engrossed in his task, I slipped out of the bathroom, down the stairs, and outside, where I hid in the dark. I stayed out there for a while, breathing deeply and contemplating my next move. I was not scared per se, but more aware of the way my world had changed in the past fteen minutes. I was suddenly less concerned about my math homework and more concerned about preparing for a physical assault. Before hiding in the trees, I grabbed a hammer from the shed and held it up with the claw end out. For a few seconds, I would have killed anyone who came near me. A little while later I heard my oldest brother yelling my name. I didn’t answer, waiting. I heard him go back inside. A few more minutes, and then he came back out. “It’s okay. People are here.” “Good,” I thought. “Witnesses.” But I knew that my dad was over it already. He had gotten the satisfaction of in icting injury on himself, fear on me, and physical destruction where his loved ones could see it. He had everything he wanted, and was therefore done for the night. My mother had called a church o cial to help calm my father, in front of whom we all knew he wouldn’t lay a hand on me. For the remainder of the night, he wouldn’t do anything but express contrition. Even this would be delicious for him, a crucial element of the dramatic narrative that he and I had set into motion. I dropped the hammer and snuck back inside. That bathroom door didn’t get xed for months. When he nally got around to replacing it, my dad threw the old one out around the side of the house, as the yard was our family’s repository for broken things. My brother Jim found it there and told me to come down to see it, but when I got out there he was gone. I stood and stared at it a little before he showed up with a pickax and a sledgehammer in his hands. Jim let me take the rst swing, and after that we took turns smashing it to splinters. I felt the breathless exhilaration of destruction, obliterating from existence this object that had contributed to invoking anxiety in me, that had dispelled any false sense of safety I may have felt within my own home. The impact of metal on wood, the aching in my arms—it all felt wonderful, powerful. I don’t know where Jim was when my dad was punching through that door. If he was around, he certainly didn’t do anything to stop it. I couldn’t count on him to do things like that for me. He just wasn’t strong enough, and I could never really fault him for that. In truth I could take better care of myself that way than he ever could. I could, however, count on Jim to maintain a deep and abiding hatred of my father on my behalf, which was actually the worst revenge I could get on my dad. Children can be so cruel that way—loving each other so much more than they could love a parent despite the affection that is heaped upon them. ••• Family folklore holds that I was not the most brilliant of my siblings, but I was decidedly the most accomplished, unhindered as I was by emotional and moral constraints. And with my obsession with power structures and the way things work, I was naturally the heart of the operation, the central command in which all resources were inventoried and tactically dispatched. More than being the typical “peacemaker” middle child, I was a powerbroker, negotiating deals and functioning as a clearinghouse between warring factions. Because I was relatively passionless, I was neutral (and rich) Switzerland. My siblings and I were extremely insular and tight-knit—not because we are particularly a ectionate, but rather from a common desire to optimize our group success. Wordlessly, we all seemed to acknowledge that our collective survival was paramount at the cost of all else, except that to me the whole point of the exercise was to ensure my own survival. Switzerland is a neutral banking powerhouse not to bene t all of Europe, but to bene t itself. I would have sacri ced any of my family members for myself in a heartbeat, if not for the fact that their presence in my life was—to varying degrees—essential to my happiness. This was made clear to me by the time Jim and I took sledgehammers to that bathroom door, if not sooner. We were like sticks: apart we were easily broken, but together we were strong. To say that I love them is insu cient or beside the point. I liked to have them around. In some ways, my family might have appeared to be an ideal American family, an army of fresh- (but blank-) faced children with very few concerns outside the narrow world in which we lived. We regarded each other and our parents as immutable facts of life. We played games and read books, ran around in the backyard building things and breaking things, made expeditions into the woods and always got out alive. We trauma bonded. And even though my siblings reacted to those traumas each in his or her own individual way, there is a strand of stupid toughness that runs through all of them, not unlike my great-grandparents who survived the Depression. The toughest of us—besides me—is my sister Kathleen. Her husband thinks that she is more of a sociopath than I am, and I can see what he means. She can be very callous and calculating. Her children have a healthy fear of her, and failure is not really an option for them. Her rst child was born a little over a year after she got married. After previously not wanting children at any point in her life, she could think of nothing else but creating the perfect genetic amalgamation of her and her husband in as short a time as possible. When her baby was born, she took to the task of rearing her child with a military e ciency in accordance with the baby guides she had read in advance of his arrival. It was as if she wanted a do-over, replacing the family with which she had grown up with a new one that she could create and shape into something much better. Kathleen resented our parents, I realized, for all the things that she felt she deserved from them and never got. They never attended her dance recitals, for instance, never volunteered for the school play she was in. It took me a long time to understand that these things constituted a measure of her perceived value in the world, and my parents’ failures were directly correlated in her mind to her diminished worth as a human being. For this measure, and almost everything else in life, she had a xed standard—an immovable notion of what was good or bad, su cient or insu cient, moral or immoral. Indeed, Kathleen put the imperative in moral imperative. And that is where she and I departed. She put all her manipulative energies into what she believed was good and right, as opposed to me, who simply invested in whatever bene ted me most at the moment. While I targeted people based solely on who caught my interest, she would target only bad apples in order to see them ruined and the good (embodied by her) prevail. While my self-image was that of a pagan god, hers was of an avenging angel. With her sword unsheathed (a little too eagerly, if you ask me), she was constantly alert to ght for the righteous cause, defying authority whenever it was exercised unjustly. I enjoyed this about her. Sometimes it felt like we were an invincible sibling team, alternately invoking fear and inspiring admiration in the hearts of our peers. She was easy to get riled up and enlisted in any of my “causes,” simply by making them sound like causes, like the time she was scheduled to give the valedictory speech and I convinced her to turn it into an elaborate prank as an act of de ance to a school administration that “mistreated” students. By the time my youngest sister, Susie, got to high school, there were few teachers left unscathed from the devastation left by Kathleen and me—Kathleen because she was compelled to right the wrongs of public school, and I because I had to win at all costs, sometimes allowing the costs to ow unchecked just to see the volume of my power. But Jim was always my partner in crime. He was older, but growing up it often felt like I was his big sister. He was easy to manipulate, so sweet. I never had to try hard with him. His default was to give me what I wanted, and so we were best friends. Being attached to Jim was a problem, though. I was used to things not lasting. My parents were unpredictable, so I had gotten used to relying on myself. When things got rough at home, I found great comfort in thinking that there was nothing really keeping me there —except Jim. I used to wonder what life would be like without him. It bothered me to think that what we had would end, and so I used my analytical mind to plan the prevention of this possibility. He and I would spend hours talking about what our lives would look like together into adulthood. We planned where we would live, how we would support ourselves, what activities would ll our days. At some point our dream was to own a model train store together. Together we would build miniature cities around which our engines would run, their chains of red and yellow and blue cars trailing in loops without end. Later it was to play music together. It didn’t matter what kind. He was the one assurance in my child life. I could always count on him to provide for all my needs as best he could, and so I was extraordinarily sel sh with him. I made him pay me money to play the games he wanted to play, which he would sometimes resist, but he always relented in the end. And I knew he would, because he wanted so much to play with me, and he didn’t mind being exploited enough to make a fuss. He never disagreed with me with any conviction. He never defended himself. I demanded things of him all the time with the knowledge that he would inevitably cave. He was so concerned about upsetting me, and I never thought once about whether what I did would hurt his feelings. I was just happy that I could do what I wanted, and I had this tagalong older brother with me to bail me out when stu got bad. He wasn’t always particularly useful. He was softhearted, sensitive, mostly passive, but my enemies were his enemies and he would oppose them with whatever tools he had. Although my oldest brother, Scott, bullied everyone, including his siblings, Jim bore the brunt of it. Scott was a thug. We called him the stupid brother, because all he had was brute strength, which he used to achieve his will. It was instinctual for him to target Jim, whose weakness seeped out from his bones. Scott was the muscle, the soldier— emotionally blind. He brutalized people without noticing the impact on them, and for a long time, he did things to Jim without it ever occurring to him that they might have some negative effect on Jim. In this way Scott and I were very similar. Even though I didn’t like Scott, he had his value to me. He taught me how physical strength could be used for psychological intimidation and how to channel my love of beating people into games and sports. We would box each other with ski gloves or pretend that we were wrestlers in the WWF. I held my own against him by being shorter and faster, and it was fun for me. I liked that he treated me as his equal and not a weaker, younger thing, that he didn’t even think to do so. We would egg each other on and dream up more violent games to play. But Jim had no natural inclination to ght either of us, and he ended up absorbing all of the blows. He would just lie on the oor with his arms in front of his face. I couldn’t tell if he just didn’t think he had any other choice, or if he thought he did have a choice and that this was what he was choosing. I knew I didn’t want to live like him, that I couldn’t. To me, Jim’s choices were emotional ones, and they were bad. His actions seemed irrational and therefore beyond my understanding. Watching him, my respect for his emotional world diminished, as did any regard for my own emotions or those of others. I am not sure when it happened, but eventually my oldest brother and I realized that we shouldn’t hit Jim anymore—that he was too delicate for it. We realized that we had to protect him or he wouldn’t survive life’s blows. We were the strong ones, the ones who could take care of business. At rst we started pulling punches against him, and then we stopped throwing them at all. Soon we started blocking other people’s punches. We say now that we have spent our lives coddling him, which means that from his early teens to now we have been putting ourselves out for him, buying him cars and houses, cosigning loans with him on which he will inevitably default. We are worried that if we do not, he’ll snap. Jim was so di erent from me. Being so close, it often felt like we were confronted with the same challenges and chose opposite ways of dealing with them. But the antisocial behaviors that now characterize me constituted the best choices for me when I was growing up, and I made them consciously. I followed so closely behind Jim in age that it was easy to see what worked or didn’t work for him and then avoid his same mistakes. I equated his emotional sensitivity with his frailty. Where I forged ahead, he bent. Where I demanded things, he gave. Where I fought with all my might, he elected passive resistance or simply succumbed to whatever fate someone else had chosen for him. Who would want to live that way? I would think to myself. Because he was so concerned about my feelings, or my dad’s, he had to deprioritize his own emotional well-being in favor of ours. I often think it would be interesting to do a controlled experiment on identical twins with sociopathic genes, putting one of them in a “bad” environment and another in a “good” environment. Then we might get some real answers about what role genetics plays. I once read about a doctor who had a mad-scientist dream of determining what role genetics plays in the development of gender. One day he got his chance. A botched circumcision had left one boy in a pair of identical twins with a horribly mutilated penis. The doctor convinced the parents that it was much better for them to remove the entire penis and raise the boy as a girl. They agreed. S/he struggled with feelings of ambiguous gender until nally s/he confronted the parents, who confessed. After he started living life as a man, how did he feel when he looked at his identical twin? Did he see in his twin “what could have been”? Sometimes I wonder if my brother looks at me and asks himself the same. But because he is an empath, I think it is much more likely that he pities me. My siblings are brutally honest with each other, because it is our nature to be brutal, but also because we assume that if we don’t tell each other the ugly truths about ourselves, no one else will. We are competitive. If asked for a complete ranking of the family members based on any given trait—attractiveness, intelligence, agility, or depravity, for instance—we could give you a list without having to take a second to think about it. Not everyone in the family is a sociopath; I am the only one who has been diagnosed as one. But we grew up sharing a perspective of blunt practicality and disdain for moral sentiment, having tacitly agreed to a collective rejection of the outside world. Sometimes there weren’t a lot of incentives to make friends outside of the family. When strangers came to the house—friends or future spouses—we ignored them. Once when my father had invited over a young man for dinner, we ate silently and neglected to address him. After dinner we all went into another room and played computer games. When we failed to invite the young man to join us, my father complained, to which I responded matter-of-factly that we simply wanted him to leave. My father describes us as “vicious,” which to me inaccurately implies that we go out of our way to hurt people. We don’t go to that kind of trouble; it is that we rarely give anyone a second thought. For whatever reason, we do care about each other, however. Perhaps it is an evolutionary imperative to preserve our genes that makes us want to keep each other alive and relatively well. Or perhaps it is an alliance that we long ago worked out among ourselves to ensure each person’s individual survival. I can’t say. Whatever our differences, we stuck together, and for the most part benefited from doing so. We have grown into adults who are all likely to survive an apocalypse, which, being Mormon, we were taught to take seriously. It doesn’t matter if it comes in a gradually encroaching ice age or a sudden storm of nuclear fire; we’ll band together to survive and we won’t su er any survivor guilt. We each have our roles in the family based on our perceived usefulness and are expected to dispatch these duties pro ciently and e ciently. Collectively, we can remodel houses, build traps, make butter, shoot guns, put out res, destroy reputations, sew clothes, and navigate bureaucracies. Most of us can defend ourselves relatively pro ciently with guns, bows, knives, sticks, spears, or our sts. When one of us fails, we demand that he su er the consequences. But we’re not savages, either. We love art. There was always music in our house—my brother on the piano or my sister dancing on the stairs. It seemed that whatever ugliness was upon us, some species of happiness was only a few notes away. And there wasn’t a lack of love in my family. It was an unspoken deal we made to care about each other, if necessary to the exclusion of all others. Though they accept me and never questioned my behavior as a child, I know they’ve been tempted to blame themselves for the way I turned out, wondering about little things that they did or didn’t do that could have pushed me here. For my parents, their denial that anything might be wrong with me came from a deep insecurity that they had irrevocably damaged me. They had viewed me as troubled from birth, and everything they did after that seemed to make me worse. My tomboyishness made them worried that I would become a lesbian. My proclivity for violence, stealing, and arson made them anxious that I would become a criminal. I imagine that my colic as a baby must have set the tone for my parents in their relationship with me. There was nothing that could be done for me; my high-pitched complaints indicated to my parents that I had already decided they were inadequate. Even as a baby, I didn’t tire; I was relentless, unreasonable, and immoderate. They must have approached me with such consternation, as there were mysteries in me that simply could not be solved. If I had grown up today, some elementary school teacher would probably have had a serious conversation with my parents and asked them to get me psychological testing. As it was, I wasn’t sent to a therapist until I was sixteen. By that time my mother had emotionally emancipated herself from my father’s dictatorial rule. She was keen to also get us the “emotional help” we needed, but I was the only one she deemed so damaged as to warrant professional help. By then she had noticed that I was not just ercely independent and reckless, but also emotionally apathetic. And it didn’t seem like I was going to grow out of it. It was too late, though; I was already too smart for the therapist. Or maybe I was never amenable to therapy. Either way, I wasn’t going to change. I had already chosen to view the world as a set of opportunities at winning or losing in a zero-sum game, and I used every encounter to gain information to my advantage. Everything I learned about people’s motivations, their expectations, desires, and emotional responses, was cataloged in my mind for later use. Therapy was a treasure trove in this respect. It taught me about what was expected of me as a normal person and therefore made me better able to disguise myself, to scheme my manipulations with greater precision. In particular, it crystallized a valuable piece of data that I had already internalized—that frailty could excuse anything. I learned to capitalize on my vulnerabilities, real or imagined. Therapists helped me nd them, as their job was to look for them, coming up with reasons for my de cits and digging for trauma wherever they could nd it. So many valuable tactics for seduction and exploitation were uncovered in my teenage therapy sessions. And school was the society in which I could exercise those tactics. Chapter 4 LITTLE SOCIOPATH IN THE BIG WORLD When people on the blog and elsewhere ask me how they can know if they are sociopaths, I often ask them about their childhoods: If you were always on the outside looking in, separated from the other kids and maybe even from your family by a wall of emotions that they seemed to feel e ortlessly while you did not; if you could instinctively get a sense of how power owed between various cliques, between the students and the sta , and within your family; if belonging never meant anything to you yet you found you could easily enter and then manipulate any group at will; then maybe, just maybe, you were a tiny wolf in lamb’s wool, a young sociopath without knowing it. My childhood was unusual only in that it never had a start and never had an end. From a very young age, I lled my life with minutiae and little conquests. While others were learning to play kickball, I learned to play people. I was not subtle. I used friends as pawns purely for access to their toys or whatever else they could o er me. I generally didn’t need to play out elaborate ruses of the kind I’d spin a few years later; I simply did the minimum necessary to insinuate myself into their good graces so I could get what I needed: food at lunch when my family’s pantry was empty, rides home or to activities when my parents were MIA, invitations to birthday parties at fun venues that I was otherwise priced out of, and the thing that I craved more than anything else—the fear of others that let me know that I was the one in power, I was the one in control. I think it unnerved people how little I cared about things that other people cared about, like the well-being of others or my own physical safety. When one of my classmates cried about having a split lip from my punching him, I just stood there, watching, and left when I got bored with the blood and drama of it. I liked toys and candy like every other kid, but I couldn’t be blackmailed or manipulated with them, refusing to be tricked into sharing or playing nice like the other kids were. Other children weren’t my only targets. Adults tend to believe children, especially when they make their faces seem so expressively open with emotion, especially when the child seems to be the victim of adult overreaching or abuse. I knew what that looked like in other children, the face of the victimized. They would widen their eyes quizzically, pause, then slowly re ect on the reality of their situation (was that man with the van and free candy really being nice, or was there something more insidious going on?) with the wheels turning in their tiny little heads and their mouths half-open. Looks of consternation would manifest on their chubby, soft faces, and then a sad realization would slowly spread across them, their faces falling—they have been victimized and you, adult, are the only one who can help them. Sometimes I would watch myself in the mirror, seeing if my face could also make those faces. I was better at manipulating adults than I was at manipulating other children, which is why I often wonder about child sociopaths who can’t manage to remain undetected. Adults do not inspect children’s behavior closely. It’s been so long since they saw the world through child eyes that they don’t really remember what is normal behavior for children. There are times when they do not understand children, but they also have vague memories of being misunderstood as a child. Careful not to make that same mistake, adults tend to have a much greater tolerance or margin of error when it comes to unusual childish behavior. They’re much more willing to write o a child obsessed with collecting worms during recess as being a simple variation of the eccentricities of childhood, whereas the child’s peers would more readily classify that child as an anomalous freak. Children sociopaths are not obvious to adults, which is perhaps why people debate their very existence. It’s rare to hear stories of child sociopaths that seem ripped from the pages of The Bad Seed. In a New York Times Magazine article titled “Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath?” the author told the story of Michael, a boy who had been terrorizing his parents since soon after his baby brother was born. Michael would y into a rage at the slightest interruption to his life, like being asked to put on his shoes, punching and kicking walls while screaming at his parents. When his mother tried to reason with him with reminders about how they had talked about his behavior and that she had hoped they had gotten past it, he stopped cold in his tantrum and replied, “Well you didn’t think that through very clearly, did you?” Other horror stories included another nine-year-old boy who pushed a toddler into the swimming pool of a motel, then pulled up a chair to watch it drown. When asked why he did those things he replied, curiosity. Unfazed by the threat of punishment, he seemed to welcome being the focus of attention. This sort of behavior is by far the exception. At least to adult eyes, the behavior of a typical child sociopath is much more subtle. Paul Frick, a child psychologist with the University of New Orleans, explains that more common behavior might be the lack of remorse shown when caught. For instance, normal children tend to feel con icted about getting caught with their hand in the cookie jar. On the one hand, they wanted that cookie. On the other hand, they feel like there is something morally wrong about stealing. A child sociopath would not show this same type of remorse. The only thing the child sociopath would regret is getting caught. Even the New York Times journalist who interviewed Michael was surprised at how normal he seemed: “When I entered the house, of course, I was thinking of adult psychopaths who have led criminal lives for decades, which is normally how they come to our attention. I was maybe expecting a child version of that, but of course that’s kind of ridiculous. Even among adult psychopaths, that would be a small minority.” No, fooling adults was never my problem; it was always my peers who were more sensitive and exacting in the homogeneity of “normal” behavior that they required. I’m good, but I’m not flawless, and they required near perfection. Let me give an example of what I mean. If a person were to go to a Mormon church for the rst time, there would be many things that might give them away as a non-Mormon—perhaps the newcomer would be wearing jeans, or would be a woman wearing slacks instead of a dress or a skirt, or even a woman wearing a skirt cut above her knees. There is an extremely high degree of homogeneity in Mormon culture, and in ways that may not be immediately obvious to the uninitiated. It is not just a pressure to conform that makes everyone so uniform; it actually re ects a shared underlying belief system and similar experiences. You can try to imitate the physical trappings of Mormonism all you want, but unless you’ve studied and practiced Mormon culture extensively, you will never be confused for a cultural Mormon. Similarly, since I did not share the same worldview and underlying beliefs and experiences as my childhood peers, I could pretend and imitate all I wanted, but there would still be small discrepancies that would give me away, or at the very least make me seem quirky to my peers. I usually had friends despite my perceived oddness, but I experienced periods in which I was avoided or even ostracized by everyone. I could overwhelm people, put them o . I was too aggressive for them, or they could see how deceptive, untrustworthy, and scheming I was. Sometimes my considerable charisma could outweigh the o -putting aspects of my personality, but sometimes it went the other way. My ability to understand my occasional status as a social pariah was spotty; I was good at observing the way other kids reacted to me, but I didn’t always care enough to do anything about it. I was too impulsive, too willing to sacri ce several months of social capital in exchange for a moment’s indiscretion. Of course I was never bullied or picked on. If anything, my peers were afraid of me. And I usually had enough sense to be selective about whom I targeted—no one too likable. Kids love vigilantism, so I frequently went after bullies. I remember this one set of white trash twins. One of the kids had something wrong with his legs, so he would show up to school with braces or special shoes. He far exceeded children’s tolerance for diversity. Perhaps because they were identical and to distance himself from the less fortunate twin, the other one became a big bully. He was little but scrappy, and since he couldn’t really pick on the true alphas, he would pick on everyone else, hoping merely to establish his dominance as a beta. Everyone hated him, but no one wanted to provoke his wrath. I didn’t care either way about him. I think maybe I scared him. But one time he was basically forced to confront me during an undersupervised game of capture the ag. I had cheated somehow and his team goaded him into calling me on it. Words turned into shoves and pretty soon I had him pinned to the ground and I beat the crap out of him. Not too long, lest we draw attention. Just enough that he didn’t get up for several minutes. The other kids loved me for that for at least several months. I was happy to do it. To me, stopping a bully was like helping put out a re. It may not have reached my house yet, but res are unpredictable and they spook the surrounding wildlife into behaving unpredictably. The probability that it will somehow a ect me is high enough that any preventative measures on my part are often warranted. And beating on a bully makes you a hero in people’s eyes. I guess that’s why Batman does it. I often wonder how my life would be di erent if I had been educated outside the public school system (or even outside the U.S.). Maybe I would pretend less or be less good at it? As it was, trying to blend in with the other children required me to learn the skills of an anthropologist. As an outsider trying to t in, I had to learn about people through observation and the recognition of patterns. I became very perceptive. I also became good at acting. I could see that other kids thought and behaved di erently from me, often reacting emotionally whereas I stayed calm, and so I began to mimic them. I think my rst attempts at imitating normal behavior were honest attempts to actually be normal, in the same way that an infant imitates the speech patterns of its parents not to try to trick, but in an honest attempt to communicate. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I would never be normal. Maybe it was the cognitive fork in the road when I was four years old. Maybe it was the code written in my DNA. Either way, it was too late by that time to turn back—if I ever indeed could have. I was irrevocably di erent from other people, in ways that I had yet to fully understand. I wasn’t able to articulate that then of course, but I knew it in my bones. In the years when I played observer, I’d watch with contempt as the kids who weren’t popular fawned all over the kids who were. I’d see them for the weaklings they were and wonder why they thought belonging mattered so much that they were willing to debase themselves. I couldn’t even conceive of the idea that anyone or any group was important enough for me to humiliate myself. After I had observed long enough and learned what I needed to know, I easily became one of the popular kids. But even when I was schmoozing with the jocks and the cheerleaders and the class clowns whom everybody loved, even when kids from lower grades wanted my attention, I knew I was not one of them. I’d known that I would never really belong no matter how many people claimed to love hanging out with me, because the person they thought they knew was not the real me. I did however enjoy playing my games with them. With my friends, I’d usually nd little ways to prey on their insecurities. Have you ever picked a scab? Or poked at a tender tooth? Probed a sore muscle? There’s something exploratory about it, and I was this way with my friends’ insecurities. They fascinated me. I have never had an insecurity. I know it sounds absurd. It’s not like I think that I am the best at everything. I am well aware of my many failings. I guess it’s just that they don’t bother me, and I certainly don’t identify with them in this bizarre, fixated way that I often see people do. Often my lack of insecurities would trigger them in my own friends. For instance, a girl I was friends with in high school was shy around boys. She worried that she was undesirable. I happened to be surrounded by boys all of the time: I was a drummer, a surfer, and an extreme-sports enthusiast, all male-dominated elds. Almost all of my friends were male and I never once lost any sleep over whether they found me attractive or not, which I think was actually what made me attractive to them. I knew that she wished she could be more like me in this way. I knew that part of her hated me for it. I knew that more than anything, she wanted to prove one day that she was more desirable than I was. So I set up a little game for us to play. There was a boy who had a crush on me. We’ll call him Dave. I knew he had a crush on me because he was very open about it but was torn because he was very Christian and I was Mormon. This made him the perfect companion for absolutely everything. I loved teasing him with his attraction to me, particularly knowing that he would never act on it because he equated it with rebellion against God (or something). Frequently I would hang out with Dave with my insecure friend—we’ll call her Sarah—because I knew she had a bit of a crush on him and was oblivious enough not to notice that he was interested in me. Or was she? I wasn’t really sure, but I loved the awkward dynamic that it set up in all our interactions. One Saturday we were out and about and decided to go together to a party later that evening. We stopped by Dave’s house so he could pick up a change of clothes. While we were waiting for him, Sarah and I got to talking, or more accurately, I got her talking. I could tell that she was thinking that tonight was her chance to prove that somebody liked her better than me. Maybe because Dave had been irting with her all day in an attempt to give me some of my own medicine? In any case, she wore on her face confidence and a premature sense of victory. “Why are you smiling?” I asked. “No reason.” She giggled. “No, seriously, you can tell me. What is it?” “It’s nothing. It’s stupid.” “You want to make a bet to see who can kiss Dave first?” “How’d you know?!” “Ha, I didn’t until just now. But we can, you know. Do you want to?” Of course she wanted to. She thought she was going to win. She wanted to see me humiliated for once. We invented elaborate rules and came up with some reward (I knew the more complicated the “rules” seemed, the more it would seem like a legitimate and fair endeavor when really it was just me setting her up for embarrassment and feeding her insecurities). Of course I won, but only after dragging it out as long as possible, and only after she had thrown herself at him and had been soundly rejected. It was doubly delicious knowing that not only had I crushed Sarah’s newfound con dence, but Dave had given up his religious beliefs for me only to be spurned the next day. Despite my bad intentions, for the most part everything I did was relatively tame, at least when you consider that there are children shooting up schools. I never thought of myself as a predator because I never raped or killed anyone. But looking back, I wonder if my essential understanding of my outsider status, combined with the instinctive sense that I had to carefully observe other people in order to both survive and thrive, is how the human predator thinks. If I’m a predator, do I prey for sport or to survive? I learned how to be this way to survive, but it’s also true that I do it when it’s not necessary. Many predators engage in similar behavior, so-called “surplus killing,” or attacking prey without an immediate need or use for the animal. Have you seen videos of killer whales batting around their prey only to kill and abandon them? Scientists assure us that they aren’t actually killing for the fun of it (how would they know?), but rather that surplus killing is a survival mechanism—those who engage in surplus killing are the most aggressive, and the most aggressive predators are the ones who survive and procreate. Predators who engage in surplus killing are constantly at the ready, always willing to make the kill. Similarly, I am always ready to play to win, no matter whom I am playing against or how innocent or nonthreatening they are to me in that moment. It makes sense. If I were only ruthless when I needed to be or only toward particular types of people who “deserved” it, I don’t think I could be as e ective. I would be constantly questioning myself—is this person worth it? Do I really need to be going after them in this particular way? Instead, my natural inclination is to be aggressive to everyone. Nowadays I put a lot of e ort into suppressing this urge. I’ve allowed myself to be tamed by people in order to have longer-lasting relationships, but the animalistic urge to destroy is always bubbling underneath the surface. For many I’m a beautiful and exotic pet but inherently dangerous—like a white tiger to my family and friends’ Siegfried and Roy. This natural aggression was always the biggest obstacle preventing me from having a normal social life. All through growing up, I could try everything to hide my true nature, but it would always nd ways to seep onto the surface in the form of unveiled aggression. When someone invoked my wrath—a tattling schoolmate or an insipid teacher—my eyes turned into dark simmering pools, the roiling of revenge plots apparent just below the surface. I tilted my head forward, my hands curled into sts and my eyes narrowed, as if to focus all my malignant energy on my antagonist for optimum destruction. I glowered like villains do in the movies, shattering the illusion of normalcy I tried so hard to project. Often it felt as if, at least socially, it was always one step forward, two steps back. It was in my preteen years that I realized how crucial it was to actively cultivate attractive personality traits. I would study my peers to discover what made them seem likable to each other, and I became all of those things. That’s when I picked up sur ng, played in rock bands, and became a social climber. In addition to getting good grades, I started watching indie lms and listening to underground music, did alternative sports like BMX biking and street luging and wore thrift-store clothes. I became so uniquely accomplished, talented, and charming that I was naturally included on everyone’s list of people to know and like (or fear). Not only could I wear any number of masks to suit any situation, I had learned how to wear them with consistency. I didn’t stop behaving outrageously, but I made it a point to perform well in school so that any slipups would be overlooked as quirks. My mother’s love of music—her view of it as her salvation—was passed on to me. I played the drums in the school band and in rock bands with other kids. When I was in junior high and high school, music masked a lot of my antisocial behaviors. Musicians are expected to be narcissistic and outrageous; it would be disappointing if they behaved normally. So the things I did seemed appropriate in the context of my rock star ambitions. When you’re holding a guitar or banging on drums, you’re supposed to scream and dance wildly, to be aggressive, to bully crowds into going crazy in mosh pits, to elicit the love and attention that they are all too willing to give. I was fortunate that Jim continued to include me in his social life, even though I was his kid sister. In high school, all of his friends were older—not exactly edgy, but energetic and committed to ska music. They dressed in vintage suits and skinny ties. Every weekend they went to clubs and house parties to hear their favorite bands play, and my brother and I would go with them. It was my introduction to mosh pits and crowd sur ng, knives, broken bottles, and crowd ghts where people got dragged o in stretchers and cop cars. It was thrilling. In high school I would get into elaborate feuds with people. Once I fought with one of my teachers over who should be in charge of the class—I thought I should be; for some reason he thought he should be. I bought yards of black fabric and cut out armbands, eventually getting half of the school involved in the “protest” against him. (Teenagers are eager to rebel against any sort of authority, which I was only too willing to exploit.) Another time I wanted to start a competitive drum line that would compete in shows around Southern California. We needed instruments, so, guring it was better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission, I forged the entrance forms and took the school’s gear on the weekends, when I was sure no one would notice. I picked ghts with people much bigger and stronger than I was, but mostly they were at rock concerts as part of a mosh pit, where the violence was tolerated. Cunning and calculating even then, I managed to stay out of serious trouble to preserve my freedom. In order to avoid complaints and simply because I liked to, I mostly played with the boys as a child. They rarely tattled about injuries. I liked running around and jostling with them, coming in with a thin coat of sweat and grime from my time in the yard. When I was very young, I refused to wear a shirt so that I could be just like the boys. I didn’t understand why anyone would choose to hold baby dolls rather than make war with army soldiers. I loved contact sports, everything about them. Touch football was classic that way. Especially after it rained and the elds were muddy, it was natural for tackling and black eyes to happen. Or playing tag on the playground equipment, we would ing ourselves o platforms and whip around corners, our bodies colliding in clumsy ballets. It was such a rush to smash my body into someone else’s, such satisfaction when one of my playmates got sent o to the nurse’s o ce with a bloody nose! In high school softball, I wasn’t the best player, but I’m sure I collided with other players more than anyone else. I stole bases with relish. Even if the ball had been thrown to the baseman by the time I got there, my unmitigated determination in running straight for her often freaked her out enough that she would leap to one side. One time as I was stealing home, I spooked the catcher so much that she clotheslined me though she didn’t even have the ball yet. It’s true that sometimes people are alarmed by my enthusiasm, but usually, I consider it their problem. Risk taking, aggression, and a lack of concern for your own health or that of others are all symptoms of sociopathy, and my childhood is rife with evidence of them. I think that narrow escapes from death are probably better experienced young than old. They imprint in your mind a healthy sense of your mortality for later use. When I was eight, I almost drowned while swimming in the ocean. I can’t recall the experience in great detail but I do remember the force of the ocean overcoming me, water as invisible as air swallowing me alive. My mother tells me that when the lifeguard shed me out of the water and breathed life into me, my rst signs of life were gasps of laughter. It was perfect timing. I learned that death could come at any moment but was not so bad, really. I never developed a fear of it. At times I have irted with it, even longed for it, but never actively sought it. One Sunday I got very sick. It was a couple months before my sixteenth birthday. I usually kept these things to myself. Even then, I didn’t like involving other people in my personal issues, because it presented an invitation to interfere with the activities of my life. But that day, I relented and told my mother about the sharp pain directly below my sternum. After she expressed her usual exasperation, she gave me some kind of quack herbal medicine and told me to rest. Now I felt pain plus nausea. The next day I stayed home from school, which did nothing but make me feel behind in all of my activities. It took all my challenging classes, music and sports groups, and other extracurriculars, plus toying with the interior lives of my friends, acquaintances, and authority gures, to keep my mind and body occupied. Boredom was my enemy, and thus, so too was illness. The next day, despite still being sick, I went back to school; that week I played softball and hit a double. Every day my parents would suggest another new remedy. I carried a little bag of medicine with me wherever I went: Tums, Advil, ibuprofen, and various homeopathic cure-alls. I knew that there was pain, but I could not gauge its severity or analyze its meaning. It was an obstacle, like missing a player on the eld or being farsighted. I had to play harder, strain my eyes—to contend with this thing growing in my insides, pulsing for attention, and blanketing my body with a reluctance to function. All the energy that I usually used in social situations to blend in and charm others was redirected into controlling and ignoring the pain. A few days into it, I began to snarl at people, to glower. I ceased engaging in attery or even polite pleasantries. I stopped reacting to people with nods or concerned facial expressions; instead, I stared at them with the dead eyes I had previously reserved for when I was alone and unseen. I couldn’t be bothered to smile. There was no lter between my secret thoughts and my mouth, so I ended up telling my friends how ugly they were or why they deserved the bad things that came to them. I didn’t have the intellectual ability to properly regulate my emotions or to turn on the charm. Without the mental stamina to constantly calibrate my e ect on people, I embraced the raw avor of my meanness, the mélange of dull sadism and sharp disregard. I didn’t even know I was doing it, as I hadn’t realized how much brainpower it had taken me simply to maintain my personal relationships, how much was required of me to restrain my natural impulses. Only later when none of my friends stuck around did I realize what had happened. They can only make exceptions for you for so long. I behaved with su cient meanness that my vile behavior justi ed many of my friends’ abandonment of me. It was like I had spent my adolescence wearing medieval chain mail under my clothes only to suddenly lose it unawares. Unrestricted by its weight, my movements were outsize and bizarre. Mornings, afternoons, and evenings passed this way, in silent, growling submission to pain. My abdominal pains migrated to my back at the level of my kidneys. I grew sweatier, clammier, and greener. My dad suggested I had muscle strain. I went back to school and had to go to a band festival about forty miles away. On the bus I was feverish and lay down on the oor on the ride home. All weekend I stayed in bed. Tuesday, I went back to school but was too sick to stay in class, so I spent the afternoon sleeping in my brother’s car. I don’t remember the season, but the afternoons were sunny, and the warm, undi erentiated sunlight streamed in from the windows, turning the car into a greenhouse, an incubator. Curled up in the backseat, I felt the delicious warmth blocking out the mixture of throbbing, sharp, and dull pains now populating every wide expanse and narrow corner of my body. At home I disappeared into bed. When my mother came to wake me for dinner, she unraveled a shivering, hot, wet child from the covers. When my dad got home he stared at me for a while and contemplated his next move. He looked at my torso, saw that something was very wrong, and relented: “We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow.” The next day, everyone at the doctor’s o ce was very solicitous, calm, and soothing. They did some tests, and after the results came back, everything changed into rushing and accusations. The doctor said something in outraged tones about my white cell count. I could sense my mother receding into quiet, semicatatonic disavowal, the state she retreated to when my father punched things or screamed at her. The doctor was all questions—if I had felt pain, what I had been doing for the last ten days, and why I hadn’t spoken up sooner—the kind that suggested I had done something wrong, and I stopped answering them. I was bored and restless. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I wanted to be free to do my own thing instead of being a passive victim at the mercy of the well-intentioned. Someone asked me if I wanted to lie down; I politely declined and then passed out. When I came to, I heard shouting and my father convincing the medical staff not to order an ambulance. Even in my delirium I could sense their mistrust of him. My dad would have done anything to get away from the reproachful stares. Behind my own uttering, half-closed eyelids, I could see the wild panic in his eyes. It wasn’t panic about his daughter dying. Or rather, it was. But it was the moral judgment of his friends and neighbors upon my dying rather than the loss of me that terri ed him. That he would allow his daughter to die from neglect. That he and my mother had let me su er in excruciating pain for more than a week without seeking any medical attention, because—as I discovered later—he had allowed our family’s medical insurance to lapse. To think of it now, I am surprised that he didn’t leave my mother and me there to sort it out ourselves. In a way, my mother was luckier than my father. Her oppression allowed her to escape responsibility; her powerlessness absolved her guilt. When I woke up following surgery, I saw my dad standing over me with tired anger. He gave me the rundown: The appendix had perforated, spewing toxins into my guts. My insides had become septic with infection, and the muscles in my back had become gangrenous. The surgeons had to cut out chunks of rotted esh, and a plastic tube was inserted in the wound to drain the pus out. There should be no lasting damage. “You could have died. The doctors are very angry.” At me, his tone implied. It was as if I should have apologized to everyone. Hospitals are, of course, dehumanizing places. The worst time of day is predawn, when the oors are especially cold and the daylight peeking through the blinds feels like a reckoning. The night nurses get replaced by the day nurses, fresh in their cheerful cartoon scrubs and eager to in ict their cruel practicalities. The gaggles of interns and doctors make their rounds, pulling curtains to examine and catalog accid, damaged flesh connected to tubes and machines—cyborgs in clinical phantasmagoria. Stripped of your armor, you can embrace the savage that the hospital makes of you, or you can grasp desperately for the human. For me, it was an easy choice. I was well acquainted with the savage in me—the animal that knew no other thing than its will to survive and thrive. I had no trouble turning o my sense of dignity or my need for connection, because I knew that to do so was the most e cient means of getting through the days ahead. There was also a sense of relief that I didn’t have to put on a mask for anyone. It saved me a lot of mental energy. Life was whittled down to the essentials—sleeping, eating, and defecating—interrupted by frequent physical violations that could be predicted and planned for. In this, I was a model patient. I did as I was told, dutifully doing my breathing exercises and taking my laps around the oor, hospital gown apping open behind me. One nurse thought I was “brave.” I think she was talking about my steely-eyed, grin-and-bear-it kind of attitude. There were no tears, no complaints from me—a total lack of a ect. In a victim, it is courage and thus admirable; in a predator, it is a lack of humanity and instills fear. After about a week, I was scheduled to leave, as long as I maintained my upward wellness trajectory. The nurse told me that my nal barrier to departure was the morning breakfast. Too nauseated to eat, I tried nibbling the foods with the highest volume-to-density ratio so it would look like I had downed more than I had, but it still appeared as if I hadn’t touched anything. In this instance, my dad saved me. He showed up an hour before he was due at a meeting, cramming pancakes into his mouth with one hand and flushing scrambled eggs down the toilet with the other. On the way home, and with minutes to spare before my dad’s meeting, we swung by the music store to pick up a compact disc I had wanted. It was closed, but he pounded on the door until he got the attention of an employee, gestured toward me with hurried explanations, and came back to the car with what I had asked for. People can surprise you. I do not know how the family survived my hospital bills, but I am sure the same skills my dad used to get me my CD helped in getting out from under our enormous debt. When we got home, he walked me up the stairs and helped me into my bed, assuring me that someone would do something about my soaked bandages. He often said things like that, which were incredibly unlikely to actually happen. My parents generally weren’t much more attentive to personal safety than I was. My family got into a surprising number of car accidents. When we were kids, we had a very serious accident on a dangerous mountain highway while on our way to visit my cousins. We got rear-ended (by someone who later appeared to be intoxicated), and the force propelled our car across several lanes of tra c until we collided with a concrete wall. Partly because us kids were all crammed into the back of the car, we all got pretty banged up, but for some reason, we didn’t turn back home and instead drove the rest of the ten hours that it took for us to get to our relatives’ house. I suspect we lived on the insurance proceeds from that accident for several years. Even now my first instinct upon being involved in an auto accident (usually not my fault; I’m a great driver) is to take a copious number of photos and solicit incriminating statements from the other driver. I had been climbing on moving vehicles since I was little. I would climb onto moving vehicles, climb around already moving vehicles, and even once tried climbing under a moving vehicle. I loved to ride in the backs of trucks, dangling off. When I was ten years old, a family friend asked my older brother Jim and me to operate an eight-passenger, gas-powered golf cart to shuttle guests to and from a Halloween party hosted about a half mile away from the parking area. We were polite and safe when taking passengers up to the house but performed increasingly risky acts on the way back down. On one trip, I was attempting to climb along the roof from the back of the golf cart to the front. My brother wasn’t paying attention and when he didn’t see me, he assumed that he had left me back at the house. He made a sharp Uturn and I went ying o the roof, barrel-rolling for several seconds along the pavement. I lost consciousness and woke up on my back, red tail-lights rapidly coming my direction. My brother (still unaware of what had happened) was backing up as part of a three-point turn and I just missed being run over by rolling out of the way. “Where’d you go?” my brother asked, surprised, when I climbed back into the cart. “I don’t know. Nowhere,” I replied. Driving my own motor vehicle wasn’t any less hazardous. One afternoon my mother introduced me to what would become, $1,200 later, my rst car. The car was a beautiful disaster—a 1972 Pontiac “Luxury” LeMans, V-8 engine with dual mu ers coming out the back. The car was viscerally appealing, a sister of the GTO with a nearly identical body. It was the last year that the Pontiac maintained its curvy form, mimicking the musculature of the animals that cars of that era were frequently named after (Mustang, Charger, Cougar). The Pontiac’s dual round headlights stared back at you; its grill and bumper sneered. Its fenders were rusted out by the wheel wells and the only thing saving the roof from rust was the white vinyl top. The best feature in my mother’s eyes, though, was the Detroit steel. She believed that in an accident the other person would feel the hurt, not me. I proved this intuition to be accurate many times in my rst few years with it. The engine to my car was so simple that I did my own small repairs and tweaks. I wanted to understand how it worked. I wanted to control it, not the other way around. When the starter went out one year while I was at college, I enlisted my boyfriend to help me replace it where it was stalled in a friend’s apartment complex parking lot. I had no idea how to do it and neither did he, but I was always willing to try new things no matter how ill advised. Everything was going well until we began to disconnect the starter from the car before detaching the battery. Sparks started ying, catching the undercarriage on re. We both quickly got out from under the car and I had to throw snow on the flames to put them out. I got a lot of attention in that car, some of it lewd, but I never felt vulnerable in it—I always felt invincible. I learned how to handle its power, how to accelerate into turns, how to launch it o the line while drag-racing it with friends, and how to shtail it in California rainstorms, which, due to their rarity, made roads especially slick from accumulated gas and oil. I loved the con dence and power I felt with that car, because it was such a contrast to the dissonance of being female, teenage, and powerless. My brothers were closer to my daredevil personality than my sisters, with their mild games of dolls and house. They would go o to their church Boy Scout groups and shoot arrows and skulk around the woods with knives, and my equivalent Mormon female activities were cross-stitching homilies for pillowcases, baking snickerdoodles, and anything that involved the use of a glue gun. In general, the women in my life seemed like they were never acting, always being acted upon. When I was in my tween years, men started telling me how much I looked like my mother. I correctly interpreted that to mean that I had started to become an object of sexual desire. By the time I was ten, I had already developed full plump breasts and my hips had the contours of a Greek vase. Men openly leered, their aggression palpable. The adult women in the world treated me like I was a slut, even though I had no idea why. And so my new body was primarily a liability at rst. If I wasn’t careful, it functioned like a suicide bomb, with collateral damage in the form of judgment from women and harassment from men. I understand that all teenage girls experience some variation of this awkward transition between child and sex object. Even so, I think in a lot of ways it’s much worse for someone like me—a budding sociopath. All I wanted was power and control. If I were a boy, I thought, I would be big and muscled. I would cut an imposing presence. I was always athletic, always aggressive for a girl. Even in male-dominated physical activities like mosh pits, I held my own through sheer antagonism. But I was also ve foot three and 125 pounds. I wanted fear and respect but what I typically ended up with were unwanted advances from inebriated guys twice my size. I did not look like a predator, I looked like an attractive target for unsolicited and aggressive forms of attention. I was a strong, tough girl, but men were generally stronger and tougher. I was extraordinarily smart and conniving, but it was oftentimes not enough to vanquish the authority of adults half as smart and not nearly as conniving as me. It’s not that I did not feel female so much as I did not feel as weak as I looked. I have never identi ed very much with my gender, or at least, I have been extraordinarily ambivalent. But a lot of girls go through similar phases of rejection of and rebellion from gender stereotypes. When you grow up as a girl, it is like there are faint chalk lines traced approximately three inches around your entire body at all times, drawn by society and often religion and family and particularly other women, who somehow feel invested in how you behave, as if your actions re ect directly on all womanhood. These chalk lines circumscribe the manner in which you interact with the world, are the source of the implicit “for a girl” that seems to trail every compliment (“tough, for a girl”). You want to wave your arms around as hard as you can to wipe them away and scatter them to dust, but the chalk lines just follow you around, always keeping you inside that constant three inches of space. I felt that the label of girl was too limiting to contain my own grandiose conception of myself, and so I mostly ignored it. There were obviously good things about my gender. My mother was largely passive with my father, but if she ever wanted something, all it took was a simple touch, a half promise of physical pleasure, to get him to do almost anything she wanted. In those hundreds of times when men told me my mother was beautiful, I eventually saw not just objecti cation but the power of dearly hoped-for pleasures. I have sometimes heard men lament that women have all of the power because they are the ones who say yes or no to sex. But I wasn’t yet ready to deploy that kind of power. In my high school years, while other girls were learning about and experimenting with their sexuality, I was largely asexual. I didn’t understand then that sex could be something that could give me pleasure. And I didn’t understand it as a way of connecting to people, and therefore gaining a form of power over them. I didn’t know that sex was a means to love, and that people will do anything for love. I did, however, use my gender to great e ect with many of my disgusting, perverted teachers. One of them I hated in particular. My high school English teacher had given me a failing grade on one of my assignments because my mother had turned it in for me on a day I’d been away at a softball tournament or drum competition. He ridiculed me in front of the class for having my “mommy bring it,” trying to make an example of me. This teacher was old and vindictively petty. I never liked him. I had seen him ruthlessly attack other students in my class, so I never gave him any reason to target me. Still, there was something about my silent de ance that must have gotten under his skin, because he finally made up something plausible to attack me on. “Thomas! You may have noticed that you received an F. I didn’t even look at your paper, so next time you can save your mommy some time and either come in and turn in your work yourself or don’t bother turning it in at all.” I was instantly angry, but it quickly chilled. “Screw you, fat man,” I calmly retorted, and minutes later was waiting my turn in the principal’s office. From that time on we’d engaged in a low-grade power struggle. I wanted to take him down, and since he had such a bad reputation, the easiest way was just to create a paper trail of his inappropriate behavior. I started taking detailed notes of things he said and did in class that were even remotely questionable. I made friends with girls in my class, planting in their heads the total inappropriateness of even some of his more innocuous behavior. He wasn’t that bad a guy, really. He was just old and a bit of a natural chauvinist in the way that men born before 1950 typically are. When we would take quizzes, he would project them up on the board and have everyone move forward, ostensibly so people in the back could see better. He always had the rst row move their seats all the way up to touch his desk, and in that row just happened to be a girl who frequently wore the revealing spandex of a dancer. I started a rumor that he had us move like this to get a better view of her ample cleavage. It was a very plausible story, particularly with the way his face frequently contorted into what looked like a leer. It may have actually been true. In any case, it made good gossip and was accepted as truth shortly after it got started. That rumor itself was not enough. Nor was it enough when I nally goaded him into making a lewd and demeaning comment about my breasts. The class was talking about a recent music department production. “How did you like my solo?” I sneered after listening to him go on about everyone else in the class. “Thomas! You have no class! Up there onstage, opping all around, letting it all hang out. Not like these other girls,” he said, gesturing to the dancer in front of him. I think he was trying to turn the class against me, but unfortunately for him I had gotten to them rst. He didn’t hurt my feelings; he had nally, unequivocally, overstepped the student-teacher boundary in front of witnesses. After class I asked the dancer if she felt uncomfortable about his thinly veiled harassment. I was the picture of worried concern. She was touched by my sincerity. Yes, she had heard the rumor I started about her and this teacher (unaware that I was the one who started it). Yes, it did bother her. I was the sympathetic ear. She confessed all of her discomfort and I not only listened, I validated and fed the flame of her distress. I used his behavior that day to paint him as out of control. I needed her to be afraid of him. I needed her to be one of the other voices raised in condemnation against him. I told her that we had to stop him before it got any worse. I told her that I was thinking of ling an o cial complaint against him for sexual harassment and asked if she would be willing to verify my story if necessary. I made it seem as if her participation would probably not be necessary, based on numerous contingencies, so she agreed. She would soon find out that she would be my star witness. When I got home I told my mother about what had happened in class—strictly the facts, nothing about our power struggle or my preparations to get him red. I told her about how “violated” I felt and about how I was not the only girl toward whom he had behaved in this way. I knew my mother felt bad about all of the times growing up that she had failed me, so she’d be inclined to help here. I told her I had found out that you make sexual harassment claims against teachers directly with the school district. Would she like to come with me to the district o ce the next morning to start the paperwork? My father was completely opposed to the idea, which I think made it all the more appealing to my mother. I gave my statement and enlisted a small cadre of loyalists to paint him in as bad a light as they could. He was supervised for several weeks. There was always someone else with him whenever he was on campus, I noticed with delight. O cially he received a “strike,” an o cial censure; uno cially I believe he was forced into early retirement and had to give up his position as head of the English department, which to me was success. I was never one to be greedy or get caught up in the “principle of the thing.” I wasn’t trying to get him red to protect future generations of vulnerable young girls. I was trying to get him red to show him that he was vulnerable, and to me, a helpless little girl. Still, it was a good lesson in the limits of the formal justice system, one that I would face again shortly in law school. This was not the only time I tangled with a teacher, but no matter what I did and to whom I reported them, none were ever red or even removed from their positions. And while I gained the satisfaction of causing them pain, I garnered a reputation for making trouble. Maybe I lied, cheated, and bullied in order to achieve their destruction, but it was nonetheless true that they were bad teachers who should not have been allowed around kids. One teacher was an idiot who favored the popular kids over the unpopular ones, ignoring their talent in order to bask in the social acceptance that he never received when he was a student in high school himself. Another was sexually obsessed with his students and paid special lascivious attention to the ones with large breasts (including me) and low self-esteem (not including me). I wasn’t doing a public service in trying to ruin them. I just couldn’t stand that such un t people could have authority over me. And that was the double injustice of being a young sociopath and a girl, too. Chapter 5 I’M A CHILD OF GOD I was raised in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I attended church from infancy with my family, and I continue to be a practicing Mormon. Some people will nd this hypocritical or will assume that my religious community will shun me if I am discovered to be a sociopath. They cannot fathom how I can negotiate my faith being who I am. But these people misunderstand the essential nature of Mormon beliefs, which is that we are all sons and daughters of a loving God who only wants our eternal progression and happiness. Mormons believe that everyone has the potential to be godlike, to be a creator of worlds. (This makes the LDS church a sociopath’s dream; it’s a belief that’s well suited to my own megalomaniacal sense of divine destiny.) I believe that “everyone” includes me. And because every being is capable of salvation, I can only conclude that my actions are what matter—not my emotional de cits, not my ruthless thoughts, and not my nefarious motivations. My own adherence to the standards of the church, despite their frequent con ict with my nature, is proof that the teachings of the gospel are for everyone—every nation, kindred, tongue, and people. I like the idea that there is a creator of all things, including sociopaths. I like having a check on my behavior, a reason for being a good sociopath. And I like the reward for good behavior —the feeling of elation and otherworldliness inherent in prayer, song, and religious devotion. The church is especially well suited to me, because its rules and standards are very explicit. Throughout my childhood, I was able to make up for my inability to intuit social norms by following the church’s clear set of expectations and guidelines—from detailed lessons on chastity to small pamphlets with handy bullet-pointed rules about what to wear, whom and how to date, what not to watch or listen to, and how much money to give to the church. I liked that these things were written down. I don’t mean to imply that the Mormon church was actually okay with whatever I did as long as I didn’t drink Coke, was abstinent, and tithed. I’m sure the church meant these things merely as guidelines and not as safe-harbor provisions, but having them stated so explicitly helped me to blend in with everyone else. I was watching television recently, one of these mystery dramas in which the main story arc over the entire season involves people trying to gure out who killed the main character. After many episodes of intrigue and bad behavior, one of the characters remarks in exasperation, “I’m having a hard time guring out who’s evil and who’s just naughty.” Is there a distinction between being naughty and being evil? Who deserves mercy, and who is beyond hope? I never felt like I was evil. I was taught in church that I am a child of God. I also read the Old Testament. There is a story in Kings where God has forty-two children dismembered by she-bears for insulting the prophet Elisha. It was not much of a stretch to believe that that God was my father. And who doesn’t have aws? When it counts, most of us think we are basically good people. In Dan Ariely’s book The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty, he describes how the gift shop at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts was the victim of rampant embezzlement, mainly by elderly volunteers manning an unsecured cash drawer. Interestingly, there wasn’t one person who was stealing tons, but many people stole just a little. Everybody cheats, and if you stay within the realm of what everybody does then you can (apparently) maintain the good image you have of yourself. In our discussions on religion, my summer intern o ce mate who diagnosed me would argue that the Christian concept of sin is a state of being, not certain actions. We are all “sinners” and, simultaneously, we are all “saved.” She thinks that evil, “if it has any meaning at all, means more than just ‘I did this right today and I did that wrong today.’ ” According to her, evil doesn’t lie in whether you drink ca eine or whether you do the right number of rosaries. It’s di erent in quality from the notion of “transgressions.” Perhaps that is true, and perhaps that is why in the age of “reformed” religion, where the emphasis is more on “saved” than “sinners,” none of those volunteering seniors saw their minor pilfering as evidence of their own inherently evil nature. Where those boundaries lie between being good, being good enough, and being bad is not clear. If modern Lady Justice is blind, it appears it is a selective blindness that is willing to overlook “normal” transgressions that normal people participate in and to readily condemn “abnormal” transgressions that people like me may be predisposed to commit. I remember one of my rst, formative experiences with justice. I have always loved to read. I could spend the entire day reading. When I was young, my parents were always giving us chores to keep us busy and away from the television, but if they saw that I was reading, they would just leave me alone. One summer—I must have been around seven or eight—I would go in the morning with my father to his o ce, then walk the few blocks to the local library and spend the day there tucked between the stacks. It was amazing to me that you could check out books for free. It seemed like a scam, and even at that young age I was helplessly attracted to scams. I had gotten to know the librarians, and I tried to convince them that I was such an avid reader, they really should lift the ten-book restriction from my library card. When they told me they couldn’t, I just stole my siblings’ and parents’ cards and loaded up on dozens of books, ostensibly for them. I was so pleased with how well my scheme was going, I lost focus on the reading and xated on acquiring more and more books. I didn’t want to return them. That would be completely counterproductive. Instead I hoarded them in my room. They were the spoils of my successful intrigue against the unsuspecting librarians, and now there was nothing they could do to stop me. Maybe a month later, we got several envelopes in the mail from the library addressed to me, my siblings, and my parents. Everyone had overdue library books and the nes were quickly racking up. It didn’t take long for my parents to identify me as the culprit. I hadn’t understood that the library actually had an enforcement provision to get people to comply with their rules. My parents weren’t mad. I think they just chalked it up to my being so overeager about reading that I had bitten o more than I could chew. They made vague references to how I would have to do chores to earn the money. Doing the dishes one hundred times at fty cents apiece didn’t appeal to me, and it didn’t seem really right that I should have to do that for what I felt was essentially an honest mistake (honest in the sense that I thought the rules of the game I was playing were one thing and they turned out to be another). I was sure this couldn’t be the end of my scheme, so I tried one more thing. “Can’t you just write them a check?” I asked my father. I had seen him write checks for things before. I knew what money was, and checks seemed to be something that substituted for money when necessary—like this magical reprieve from having to use cash. My dad had to explain that it’s still your money, but the bank simply keeps it for you. I was stuck. My seven-year-old brain couldn’t think of any other ways to spin this, except maybe to ask for a dollar for every round of dishes. This was just how justice worked: there are rules and consequences, and if you break the rules you su er the consequences. When I say this was one of my rst experiences with justice, I should explain. I had been punished before, but there was always an element of moral condemnation in punishments that didn’t make sense to me, so I largely just ignored them as being an unpredictable cost of living life as a child. The library book situation was something new. My parents were not mad at me. There was no moral condemnation. And paying a ne seemed a reasonable consequence of not returning the library books on time. If I had to pay nes, everyone had to pay nes, which meant that books would circulate faster and I would have a better shot of checking out some of the more popular and desirable books. This sort of justice made sense to me in a way that moral judgments never did. I was also ne with justice because I understood the ip side: if you do particular good things, you get particular good rewards. Mormon doctrine has a scripture: “There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.” Skeptics may question the objective truthfulness of this statement, but when your parents and everyone else around you believe it is true, it is easy to play the justice card to get justly rewarded for your good exploits. The e ect of this belief on my home life cannot be overstated. For the most part positive justice in my family operated as consistently as a gumball machine. If I put money in, I got a gumball. I would just nd the highest reward-to-work ratio (to the point where it seemed like a scam) and engage in those activities over and over again, undeterred by boredom. Unlike my siblings, who seemed to have natural preferences for doing one thing over another, I just went where the money was, in a cold cost-bene t determination. For instance, my brother Jim hated to practice the piano, even though he was the most musically talented. To incentivize him, my mother o ered to pay us ve cents for every time we played through a particular song that we were learning. I had no natural love of music, but would sit at the piano for hours, my ngers mechanically pounding away at the keys while my mind imagined how I would spend the money. Mormons are equally big on mercy. Every spring and fall we would gather around our television and watch a satellite broadcast of the semiannual General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, with speakers chosen from the general o cers of the church. One of my favorite speakers was (now president of the church) Thomas Monson. He would always tell these entertaining stories about widows and orphans and the tender mercies of God. The message was clear—God loves widows and orphans, and he loves me just as much. What about the sinners? In the Mormon world that isn’t much of a problem. Everyone is a sinner. In fact people talk about it all of the time, in veiled references to “whatever trials and temptations we might have in this life.” I remember looking side to side during church at those references, imagining double lives lled with sordid a airs and violence. I never felt that I was outside the norm for sinning. I still don’t. Everybody slips up because we’re not perfect; that’s what mercy is for. The problem is when you keep making the same mistakes, which I largely do not. One could say that by repeatedly manipulating, “ruining,” and crushing people, I’m consistently violating the idea of doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. The thing is that I have no problem with others trying to ruin me back. In my mind, it’s just business, not personal. We’re all competing for power. Would I be upset if I had a sandwich shop and someone opened up a sandwich shop across the street? I might be annoyed, but I wouldn’t take it personally. I don’t have hate in my heart for these people. I may wish them ill, but it’s not because I harbor ill will against them. They just happen to be players in my game and controlling others is how I validate my own sense of self-worth. Perhaps, one might argue, by trying to control other people I’m depriving them of their own power, dignity, and independence. I do not see this as a moral issue. People can still choose: either to submit to my control or to face whatever consequences there may be. Maybe God thinks this way too. Maybe this is why he sometimes kills children to make a point. The biggest stumbling block I have faced with my Mormon faith is the idea of “godly sorrow.” The Bible makes a distinction between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. As a child I was taught that while worldly sorrow meant being sad you got caught, godly sorrow meant you were sorry you had strayed. Godly sorrow would change your future behavior: “that ye sorrowed after a godly sort, what carefulness it wrought in you.” Godly sorrow is supposed to be a precursor to repentance, which of course is the key to invoking God’s mercy. My problem is I don’t think I have ever felt godly sorrow. When I do bad things, I can worry about the spiritual consequences and the possibility of a karmic backlash, the same way that I might worry when I am double-parked and concerned that I am about to get my car ticketed or towed. Is that enough, I wonder? In many ways, my religion has been a handy tool in explaining my eccentricities, a good cover under which my sociopathic traits could be submerged. I’ve become accustomed to hiding in plain sight. I could say amoral things because my goodness was presumed. I could act in antisocial ways because my religious upbringing could be blamed for making me awkward around people outside of my community. Among Mormons, I took advantage of their innocence and mandated tolerance of the we’re-allGod’s-children variety: We contemplate the human race, past, present and yet to come, as immortal beings, for whose salvation it is our mission to labor; and to this work, broad as eternity and deep as the love of God, we devote ourselves, now, and forever. There is a reason that Salt Lake City is the fraud capital of the world: Mormons are unusually willing to see the best in everyone despite evidence to the contrary. After high school, I attended Brigham Young University. Those students were even more trusting than the average Mormon and there were myriad opportunities for scamming. I started stealing from the lost and found. I would say I lost a common book like the freshman biology textbook, then take it upstairs to the bookstore to sell. Or I would see an unlocked bike that had been in the same place for a few days, figure it was unlikely to be missed, and take it. Finders keepers, right? I didn’t do these things to be antisocial—I don’t even consider them to be antisocial. I did them because they helped me feel like the world still made sense. It bothered me how careful people were with one another in Utah. It was ine cient. Drivers would pull up to a four-way stop and become paralyzed with indecision. On the one hand, the rules of the road said that the rst to pull up to the stop sign should go rst. But people would not always follow this rule, instead treating it like it was some moral question that had to be contemplated anew every time. Sitting there frustrated while people kept waving their hands for other people to go rst, I tried to imagine what must have been going through their heads. Perhaps something like: I may be rst in time, but how do I know that they aren’t rst in need? And just because I have the right of way in this situation does not mean I should exercise it unrighteously. The result was snarled intersections, as predictability was sacri ced for godliness. People were trying to out-“good” each other to the point of absurdity. It was unnatural. And it’s not godlike, I thought. A god would not give up an advantage for no reason. A god would cultivate his power, just like I do. The whole thing made me feel o -kilter. On the one hand, they were some of the sweetest, most loving people I had ever encountered. One semester I took a New Testament class (every BYU student is required to take fourteen credits of religion to graduate). Out of the blue the professor asked, “What would you do if I came up and did this to you?” and then very violently nearly struck a student in the face. Unprompted and without thought, the student turned his face to the side, o ering up his other cheek as well. I was shocked. I knew this was a literal interpretation of scripture, but was this taking things too far? It struck me suddenly that my targets might be the same people, that when I stole their books they turned the other cheek and let me steal their bikes too. Were they brainwashed victims? Was I evil? Or were we simply two opposing sides, each necessary to achieve a certain balance? Mormon scripture teaches that there must be opposition in all things; if not there could be neither righteousness nor wickedness, holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad, and without it “there is no God.” The biggest “opposition” in the Mormon faith is Lucifer, who became Satan, and who has a rather interesting and detailed backstory. Born a spirit child of God in the premortal world, he is our spiritual brother and was considered one of the brightest stars in heaven until he rebelled and became our necessary opposition. This was great for God, because his plan needed a villain: “man could not act for himself save it should be that he was enticed by the one or the other.” And what about Lucifer? When I rst heard this story in Sunday school I thought that Lucifer was almost a too-convenient patsy in God’s plan. Did God trick Lucifer into rebelling? Maybe make some deal with him under the table? Or maybe God created Lucifer speci cally for this purpose? Mormon scripture says “there is a God, and he hath created all things, both things to act and things to be acted upon.” Was Lucifer created to act instead of be acted upon? Was I? I started an elaborate shoplifting scheme from the BYU convenience stores. One of my friends told me about a sack lunch program that was woefully unsupervised. Over the course of a semester or two I took over a thousand dollars in merchandise. At rst I consumed or hoarded the goods, like I did with the library books when I was young. Eventually I started giving the stu away in ts of well-calculated generosity. I didn’t do it for money (I was on a full scholarship) or even for the thrill of doing something sinful, because I didn’t really see it as being sinful. It wasn’t the thrill of being caught either, because I never considered that I might get caught. I didn’t think at all about it at the time, but now, wondering why I did it, it was like all of the goodness of my fellow BYU students created this vacuum and I was sucked in. We were all part of a food chain and because they had already chosen their own roles at the bottom of the food chain—to be acted upon—the only spaces that were left were at the top, to act. I never questioned the rightness or wrongness of it, the same way a shark would never question the morality of hunting for its prey. I didn’t create the food-chain power dynamic; God did. And I didn’t ask to be at the top; it was as if I was made that way. The reality is that I have nothing of what people refer to as a conscience or remorse. The concept of morality, when de ned as an emotional understanding of right and wrong, goes right over my head like an inside joke of which I am not a part. Consequently, I have only the slightest interest in it and no special insight into evil, or no more than a certain level of self-awareness would reveal to any of us. Still, I often wonder what life would be like to feel that things were right or wrong, to have an internal compass to direct me to my moral north. I wonder what life would be like to always be “feeling” certain ways about things, to have conviction, which is apparently how many people experience the world. Jean Decety, a neurobiologist at the University of Chicago who specializes in social cognition and empathy, has established that moral awareness is initially emotional. Young children in particular have a very strong negative emotional response to social situations that are unfair or hurtful, but the emotional moral judgment of the child evolves as an adult to be tempered by the “dorsolateral and ventromedial prefrontal cortex—areas of the brain that allow people to re ect on the values linked to outcomes and actions.” So while children assume that every bad act is malicious, adults are able to apply moral reasoning, recognize and discount accidents, and nd nuance in levels of maliciousness. Decety is studying neurological mechanisms to determine why the brains of sociopaths and other people with antisocial personality disorders don’t generate those negative feelings of discomfort or disgust when faced with immoral acts. It makes sense to me that sociopaths would have a comparatively blunted sense of morality if they either do not feel this emotional impetus or feel it less than empaths do, which is certainly the case with me—while I feel worry when I act badly, I have never felt anything as extreme as moral outrage. Evolution has shaped our emotional responses to reinforce activities that are to our advantage, like loving and caring for our children or fearing and eeing from the sounds of a predator sneaking up on us. Having a gut instinct that told me how to be a moral person might be evolutionarily handy. On the other hand, emotional moral judgment also enables people to do really horrible things to each other, like lynching or “honor” killings, and justify them by calling them “moral.” Because sociopaths don’t experience morality emotionally, I would argue that we are freed to be more rational and more tolerant. There is something to be said for the impartiality of pure reason—religion-created mass hysteria among the supposedly mentally healthy populace has resulted in much worse damage and carnage in the world than anything sociopaths have caused. (Although I imagine that there may sometimes be sociopaths at the head of it all, whipping up the masses to do their bidding.) This idea is explored in Hannah Arendt’s book Eichmann in Jerusalem: A Report on the Banality of Evil, a book suggesting that the bulk of the horrors of the early half of the twentieth century were done not by sociopaths like me, but by empaths who had allowed themselves to be manipulated by appeals to their emotion. Similarly, the suggestion that we need to experience guilt in order to behave in a moral way is patently false and o ensive in the same way that equating atheism with moral indi erence is. Although hardwired emotional moral compasses typically help people to do what is good and avoid what is bad, there should be other reasons that people would do good things besides a sense of morality. It is rational for me to obey the law, because I do not want to go to jail; it is rational for me not to harm or injure other people, because a society in which everyone acted harmfully would inevitably cause me harm too. If there are legitimate, rational reasons for the moral choices we should make, we should be capable of choosing the right without relying purely on gut instinct. If there are not rational reasons for our moral choices, why should we continue to make them? While I don’t think sociopaths have any sort of moral urge to do good things, I think they can and do act morally in the context of pursuing their own advantage. A good analogy would be a corporation. There are a lot of corporations that do things that you like, maybe even good things, like produce vaccines or electric cars, although the primary motivation is to make a pro t. But just because you are trying to make a pro t doesn’t mean you can’t do it by doing things you like, or that you are good at, or that comport with the way you see the world, or want the world to see in you. In fact, behaving morally and well might smooth the path for you to pursue your own interest. Society functions better when we treat each other well, and you will personally do better if society is in good working order. In criminal law, there are two concepts for wrongs that can be criminalized—malum in se and malum prohibitum. The former are wrongful acts that are wrong in and of themselves, and common examples are murder, theft, and rape. The latter are crimes that are not inherently wrongful, but are prohibited by societies in order to advance a social purpose, usually the optimal ordering or management of the public welfare; examples are driving on the wrong side of the road, breaking a curfew, or selling alcohol without a license. While laws governing malum in se are generally static, those regulating malum prohibitum are necessarily mutable, because they must be calibrated to the changing conditions. Of course, the two categories are often di cult to distinguish. There is much debate about the illegal duplication of copyrighted digital media, for instance. Recording companies tend to characterize it as theft, a crime that is inherently bad, while teenagers and legal scholars suggest that it is criminal merely because it is prohibited by the state as an economic regulation. In my personal universe, there is almost nothing that constitutes malum in se. I don’t feel that anything is inherently wrongful. But, more important, I am never compelled to refrain from doing something merely because it is wrong—only because doing so would result in undesirable consequences. Thus, evil has no special meaning for me. There is no mystery in it. It is a word to describe a sense of wrongness that I do not feel. I don’t have any expectations of egalitarianism or righteousness, so I do not feel a similar sense of disappointment at the existence of evil or despair. I am not moved by signs of want, of beggars or poor starving orphans or slums or anything (although I often donate on little more than a whim). I am not outraged by inequity; in fact I embrace it as I do death. I don’t feel the same sense of entitlement to bene cence that most people do. I do not expect things to go right in the world. I don’t even believe in right. I believe that everything just is. And what is can be quite beautiful. I suppose it’s an odd distinction to make between being moved by perceived injustice but not inequity. I guess what I mean is that there is quite a deal of luck and context involved in every aspect of life, and that people cannot therefore expect the same outcomes from the same actions. In contrast, I perceive injustice as someone putting a thumb on the scale, arti cially enabling one outcome over another—an intentional interference thwarting the natural course of things. I guess it’s because I don’t mind risk, it actually gives me a thrill, but I have no desire to play a rigged game. If I thought my life was rigged, I don’t know what I’d do, maybe kill myself or others. It’s only because I think I can (and most often do) play the game better than others that it keeps my interest enough to persist in playing it. Sociopathy was rst identi ed as an independent mental disorder more than two hundred years ago by the French humanitarian and father of modern psychiatry Philippe Pinel, in his 1806 work A Treatise on Insanity: In Which Are Contained the Principles of a New and More Practical Nosology of Maniacal Disorders Than Has Yet Been O ered to the Public. Pinel developed an interest in psychology after a friend became a icted with mental illness that resulted in suicide. He was largely responsible for popularizing the “moral” treatment of patients with mental disorders based on prolonged observation and conversation. In his treatise, Pinel set out three categories of mental derangement: (1) melancholia or delirium, (2) mania with delirium, and (3) mania without delirium, the last of which described individuals who were impulsive, amoral, violent, and destructive—while remaining competent and rational. Pinel theorized that the patients who su ered mania without delirium had only a certain part of their mental faculties distorted while the rest of their mind—principally, their intellect—remained intact. He wrote of this category of condition: “It may be either continued or intermittent. No sensible change in the functions of the understanding; but perversion of the active faculties, marked by abstract and sanguinary fury, with a blind propensity to acts of violence.” Pinel noted his surprise that maniacs could have entirely una ected intellects. This was contrary to the generally accepted notion at the time that madness was caused by a de cit or derangement of mental reasoning faculties, as proposed by John Locke in his 1690 work An Essay Concerning Human Understanding. Because one could not think, Locke believed, one could not function in society—the key to sanity was rationality, and without it, a person was lost to insanity or mania. But Pinel found that there was a different kind of madness or mental deficit—a moral one. In 1863, British psychologist James Cowles Prichard used the term “moral insanity” to describe people like me, a phrase that lls me with delight. In his work A Treatise on Insanity and Other Disorders A ecting the Mind, Prichard acknowledged Pinel’s case studies and noted the existence of “many individuals living at large, and not entirely separated from society, who are a ected in a certain degree with this modi cation of insanity. They are reputed persons of a singular, wayward, and eccentric character.” Prichard was a very religious man, and he struggled with the possibility that mental illness could be an a iction of not only the mind but also of the soul—that moral corruption was a sickness that could be medically categorized and clinically treated. While not the rst, he was perhaps one of the most vehement critics of sociopaths. It o ended him that a person in total control of his mental faculties could not or did not live rightly. Before, his assumption was that to be rational is to be moral. Like Pinel, Prichard was unsettled by the idea that delusion was not necessarily the root of bad behavior, and that doing evil could be—in some ways—perfectly rational. Pinel was convinced that the emotional morality experienced by most people is inherently superior to the rational moral decision-making that sociopaths and others have to engage in. I disagree. Everyone uses shortcuts to make decisions; it would be impossible for us to make a fully informed, reasoned decision every time such a decision was necessary. For example, when you’re in the middle of a bar ght, how do you decide whether or not to stab the guy who just punched you in the face? Empaths may use emotional shortcuts (in this case, either “This jerk deserves a shiv in the belly” or “I’d feel too awful if I actually killed the guy”) to make quick decisions about how to act. Sociopaths don’t or can’t, so we come up with other shortcuts. Many sociopaths use the shortcut of “anything goes,” or “I am only in it for me.” These sociopaths have decided that the rational way to increase their own bene ts in life is to look out only for themselves and ignore the needs or demands of others. While some act entirely on sel sh impulse, they are not always free to be out on the streets where you might meet them but are instead in prison. Apart from the most impulsive and violent sociopaths, there is a wide range of self-re ection and deliberation in decision-making. Some sociopaths are capable of reining in their impulses enough to decide that jail time is not to their advantage, so they choose to avoid major violations of the law (e.g., “The satisfaction of killing this jerk isn’t worth the inconvenience of being locked up”). One sociopath from my blog, while realizing that most of what he does is dangerous, wrong, or both, still stated, “I have a line or two I won’t cross for any reason.” But that doesn’t prevent him from committing with clear conscience many smaller infractions or injustices that empaths would nd objectionable, for example accounting fraud or emotional abuse. Other sociopaths, and I am one of these, have settled on a more “principled” approach to life and act according to religious or ethical beliefs, or, at the minimum, for their self-interest or preservation. We decide on standards of behavior or a code that we can refer to when faced with decisions (“I’ve decided not to kill people, so I won’t stab this jerk”). As one sociopath reader of my blog put it, “To have morals is not important. Having ethics is what is important.” My prosthetic moral compass generally functions well for me, and most of the time my method happens to track what the majority thinks is the moral thing to do. The one thing that sociopath “codes” tend to have in common, though, is that they don’t fully map with prevailing social norms, those unspoken rules and customs that govern behavior in a group. For instance I know a sociopath who is a drug dealer but has his own standards of conduct when it comes to dealing with his wife (nicely) or his employees (not nicely). Similarly, I am typically not engaged in criminal behavior, but that doesn’t mean I won’t take whatever I need, from things as questionable and disgusting as your underwear to things as useful and valuable as a bike. I almost expect others to do the same. From my experiences and communications with other sociopaths, this rough blend of pure opportunism mixed with a more practical utilitarianism is not uncommon. One blog commenter put it this way: I’m an “intelligent” sociopath. I don’t have problems with drugs, I don’t commit crimes, I don’t take pleasure in hurting people, and I don’t typically have relationship problems. I do have a complete lack of empathy. But I consider that an advantage, most of the time. Do I know the di erence between right and wrong, and do I want to be good? Sure. One catches more ies with honey than with vinegar. A peaceful and orderly world is a more comfortable world for me to live in. So do I avoid breaking the law because it’s “right”? No, I avoid breaking the law because it makes sense. suppose if I weren’t gifted with the ability to make a lot of money in a profession doing what I like, I might try and pro t by crime. But with my profession, I’d have to really hit the criminal jackpot to make it worth a life of crime. When you’re bad to people, they’re bad back to you. I’m no Christian, but “do unto others as you would want them to do unto you” works. But sometimes e ciency does not perfectly align with what most people would consider morally right. One afternoon shortly after I got red from my law rm job, I took my neighbor’s bicycle so that I could bike to the beach with a friend who was visiting from out of town. The bike was sitting unlocked in the shared underground garage. There was a layer of dust on it and it needed a little air in the tires, but it was there and eminently convenient. I gured that it was unlikely that my neighbor, a stranger to me, would discover it missing. My e ciency-minded self imagined what the transaction would look like if I were to ask her for permission to use the bike: I would explain to her the situation and she would consent, provided I agreed to pay for any damage or loss. I would posit that the bike would be better for the ride because it would work grease through the moving parts. And bikes are meant to be ridden; it was socially wasteful to keep the bike in the garage, unused like that, when people needed bikes to ride. I would have been happy to pay her a rental fee if she wanted me to. This was the story I told myself. I did not actually engage in this hypothetical transaction with my neighbor. I thought there was too great a risk that she would not see things my way. People can be very irrational, I reasoned to myself, and sometimes they cannot be trusted to make e cient decisions. She might say no because she has an irrational fear of strangers. There is an information asymmetry in our situation that could distort the way she sees this decision: In her mind, I am an unknown. But, truthfully, I had no intention of stealing the bike. I’d bring it back in just a few hours, better than I found it. But how could I credibly assure her of this? People are too distrusting nowadays. Finally, she probably overestimates the value of the bicycle just because it happens to be hers. Maybe she bought it for $100, hoping to bike to the beach every week. In her mind the value of the bike would be emotionally rooted to that $100 sunk cost and her fantasies about a life of ease, even though the bike wouldn’t sell for more than $10 at a garage sale. She and her husband were living a life beyond their means, I had often thought. They both drove Civics from the late 1980s but lived in a nice apartment building with young professionals. She might be upset about the thought of losing something as small as her beat-up old bike because she didn’t have much to start with. It was easy to convince myself that I knew better than her what was best for the bike. Besides, what she didn’t know would not hurt her, and I really didn’t want to bother having the conversation with her. In the evening, after I had returned the bike no worse for wear, I heard an angry knock on my door and was subjected to even angrier accusations. Apparently she had come home, shocked to nd her bike gone. After looking for it for hours (looking for it? Where? And for hours?) she gave up, only to nd it returned to its space in the garage. She had not failed to notice that her husband’s bike remained there, and that my bike was also gone for the exact same period of time. It was clear that the jig was up, so I confessed that I had taken her bike. She was taken aback by my untroubled admission. My money o ers did nothing but o end her, and she even threatened to call the police, but I told her I thought it was unlikely they’d do much for her. I tried to explain that what I had done was technically not theft because I did not have the requisite mental state of intending to permanently deprive her of her property. At best what I had done was trespass to chattels, and good luck trying to prove actual damages. She stared at me in horror for a moment before threatening to tell the management. I gured that was an empty threat, though, and in any case had been planning on moving somewhere cheaper to live out my unemployment. I didn’t mind being caught. It was just a cost of doing business. Of course I wouldn’t have remembered this incident if I had not been caught. Many other similar episodes have lled my life, too routine to recall. But I think it bothers people to see me this way —expressing no sign of remorse upon being caught. When I was a child and would get up to mischief with my siblings, my father used to beat us with a belt, lining us all up to take our turns, in equal parts emotional humiliation and physical intimidation. I never reacted—never cried and never apologized. I never felt the urge and, more important, I never saw the point. Part of it was because I knew he wanted to break me and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. Part of it was that my tears were usually tools of manipulation and punisher-dad was not susceptible to manipulation. All I got was a cold sort of angry where most of my attention was focused on plotting payback. Although I had two older brothers who were much bigger than I was, I frequently got hit the hardest, leaving angry welts across my little buttocks and upper thighs. As an adult, I asked him why he did it. He said that he didn’t remember details, but I must have been risking the lives of my siblings or something su ciently horrible to warrant that kind of beating. Maybe. But maybe I just didn’t seem a ected by the punishments the way he had hoped I would be. My lack of reaction must have seemed like intransigence, which he hoped to break by beating me just a little bit harder. My neighbor was similarly put out by my blank-faced recitations of the legal elements of trespass to chattels in response to her obvious distress. It took everything I had learned about people to understand that she wanted apologies rather than remuneration, some compensation for the sense of personal violation that she experienced. It’s di cult for me to comprehend these soft intangibles. It’s not that I do not feel them; it’s just hard for me to predict them in others. But even when I backpedaled and started apologizing, the neighbor was dissatis ed. Like my father, she seemed to sense that I wasn’t sorry for what I did. I didn’t feel any of that godly sorrow that precedes repentance, because I had not strayed, at least not according to my own reasoning. Taking the bike had been worth it. This sort of behavior may seem uncouth, but is it really immoral? Prichard’s disgust with sociopaths for being immoral seems largely unwarranted unless you ascribe to his particular brand of morality. Was I really in the wrong by temporarily taking my neighbor’s bike? Only if you think that violation of the personal property of others is immoral. Even the law recognizes that this is not always the case: If you’re stranded in a snowstorm, it would be permissible to break in to someone’s ski cabin and spend the night, as long as you pay for any damage done to the cabin. The justi cation for this socalled necessity defense is that if you were able to nd the owner of the cabin and ask them for permission, they would grant it to you. However, you can still use this defense even if you know for a fact that the owner would not grant you permission, for instance because you two are mortal enemies and the cabin owner has made it clear he would not piss on you if you were on re. The cabin owner can take this position, but the law will not support it because it is unreasonable—and perhaps even immoral! When seen through this lens of reasoning (rather than Prichard’s religious one), perhaps my neighbor was acting improperly by being unreasonable in not allowing me to borrow her unused bike. If I behaved improperly according to societal standards, it was arguably only because I didn’t show the least bit of remorse. In contract law, there is a concept called “e cient breach.” Most people assume that it is always “bad” to break a contract, because it essentially constitutes breaking a promise. However, there are some ways in which doing so can be good, or in the language of law and economics, e cient. This occurs when complying with the terms of the contract would result in greater economic loss than simply paying the other party’s damages that have resulted from your nonperformance. For example, I commit to date someone exclusively. Maybe I even marry him. If one of us later nds someone we prefer, it may actually be better for both parties if one or both of us breaks the agreement. If you believe in the value of e cient breaches like I do, then you would never get upset if your partner cheated on you. In e cient breaches, it is often the immoral choice that leaves everyone better o . I’ve lived my entire life this way, since long before I ever learned the term in law school. My child self understood the world in terms of choices and consequences, causes and e ects. If I wanted to break a rule and was willing to su er the consequences, I should be allowed to make that choice unhindered. I engage in this kind of self-promoting calculus in almost everything I do, often when the stakes are much higher. When my good friend’s father was diagnosed with cancer, I cut o all contact with her. It sounds like a ruthless thing to do, and it was. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her; in fact, I loved her very much—perhaps too much. But I found I could no longer enjoy any of the bene ts she had provided to me—superior advice, interesting conversation—because she was horrible to be around most of the time. I had overinvested and was running many months into the red with no improvement. I found that I could not wear the mask of compassion or sel essness inde nitely without acting out in ways that were hurtful to us both. And so I cut o all ties and walked away. There were damages on all sides, but I had no other means of mitigating them, so it was an e cient breach. I think she would agree with me, even when I include her hurt and su ering into the equation. That alone would typically make the end of a friendship in this way a net negative. In this situation, though, my abandonment of her was to her bene t, particularly considering that my behavior was only going to get worse—that I was already tapped out in terms of being able to be supportive. I didn’t leave her because I stopped caring for her. I left her because I did care for her very much. It was e cient. Still, the rst couple of months apart I was just so relieved. If I was reminded of my friend, it was with gratitude that I was no longer in that unsustainable situation. As the months went by, however, I began to feel the empty space in my life that she used occupy. It was unfortunate. But this too is part of the cost-bene t analysis, when I realize that situations can often turn regrettable even though I do not regret any particular decision. Of course, there are negative real-world e ects of making e cient breaches. In the marketplace, breaking promises decreases con dence and thereby discourages actors from engaging in future contracts. For instance, if you have been divorced too many times, people don’t trust you, and so they don’t want to play the game with you anymore. It’s a problem. No matter how rational I may be in choosing when to follow rules and when to break obligations, it is often insu cient for the people I am dealing with. They want more: more feeling, more attachment, more commitment, more of what they’re used to. At some point, I have to wonder if all of my rational decision-making can make up for my inability to empathize, and I conclude that it doesn’t. People take for granted the empathy with which they were born, and the morality that they somehow internalize. Crying when someone you love cries—I was not born with this shortcut into the hearts of other people. Feeling guilt when you hurt someone you love is an internal safeguard to prevent you from losing them, but I have never been able to learn it. The work-arounds that I have devised for these things often fail me. Fortunately, however, it is another of my sociopathic traits to persist with optimism and un inching self-regard, and I’ve learned that few broken things cannot be mended. The angry neighbor never bothered me again. After my friend’s father died, we reconnected and have become friends again. Friends and family have moved on from past hurts and forgiven me. The narrative of the sociopath has been told in the language of pathology, but sometimes I feel like Achilles. In exchange for superhuman might he had a single vulnerability. It was a fair exchange, I think—his demise was extremely improbable. But I am not completely immune to feeling blue. Of the negative emotions I feel, regret is the saddest and strongest. I acknowledge that much of life is chance and all sorts of bad things might happen to me during life. I’m ne with that. The thing that haunts me more than anything else is the thought that I could unwittingly be the author of my own unhappiness—unhappiness so surprising that it never entered my mind that things could play out that way. It is the ultimate in powerlessness—not just the thought that nothing I do really matters, but that things I do could matter and actually make things worse. Midway through college I met a girl in the music program who brought my true nature to the surface. We met at an audition for the same part, and even though she was the better musician, I won. She was one of those good-natured people whose infectious laugh rallied friends to her side. She was people-pleasing, serious, and friendly, uncomfortable enough in her own skin that people never envied her, but not so much that they were repulsed. They couldn’t help but like her. I had always stayed casually close to her so that my reputation would be aligned with hers; I capitalized on her easy likability, making certain that it would rub o on me rather than contrast with my a ectations. But maybe this was where I failed. I tried too hard to understand her, as if her delicate balance of coquettishness and earthy charm was something that she had purposefully fabricated and that I could therefore dissect and re-create, but what she had was an accident, an empty convergence of quirks and unforeseen circumstances that she herself could barely describe or detect. She was who she was—it wasn’t an act. I know this because I secretly pored through her personal letters and journals, trying to understand—to eat up all the insecurities she seeped onto the pages. One day she caught me doing it. She avoided me completely after that, as did everyone else in the program. No one really talked about it. But my ostracism was especially jarring because ignoring personal boundaries like this was the kind of thing I did all the time. Now they acted as if I was a monster. It was such a trivial, stupid transgression, something I imagine that most everyone has done or wanted to do but was somehow apparently so terrible that shaming me made everyone else a better person. I had violated a moral rule that I didn’t fully understand, and no one wanted to be associated with me. Without the bene t of social goodwill, I was forced to do everything the hard way, since the trust required for all my secret schemes had been destroyed. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. My actions had nally caught up with me in a way that I could not ignore. Faced with total social isolation, I had no choice but to try to be completely honest with myself. I started to realize how little I knew about myself or why I did the things I did (and still do). I didn’t like not knowing who I was, so I decided to develop a friendly curiosity about myself. I watched myself for about nine months without judgment or selfmanipulation. I wasn’t an ascetic, but I was intent on discovering my true self. My guiding principles during that time were un inching honesty and acceptance. I thought that if I could garner enough self-knowledge, I could inch myself to happiness or whatever else it was I wanted in life, like a prisoner carving his way out of a concrete wall with a makeshift pick. At the end of the nine months I had come to a few conclusions. First, I didn’t really have a self at all. I was like an Etch A Sketch, constantly shaking myself up and starting over. And somewhere, somehow, in the last few years, I had come to believe certain things about myself that weren’t really true. For instance, because I often am very charming and outwardly good-natured, I thought that I must be a warmhearted person. Pretending to conform to societal expectations had become so easy that I forgot I was pretending. I read all of these coming-of-age books about people growing up and growing out of childhood quirks and I felt like that is what had happened to me. In reality, I had just lost the self-awareness that I had as a child and even as a teenager. Several things that I had come to believe were mirages, and when I inspected them closer they disappeared, leaving absolutely nothing. I quickly realized that, almost without exception, this was true about everything in my life. All of the stories I had recently been spinning about my life were illusions—gaps occupied by part of my brain to ll in a hole, the same way our brain will sometimes ll in gaps in an optical illusion. I had told myself that I was normal, perhaps just a little too smart, but that my feelings were genuine and typical of a young woman my age. Now I felt like I had woken up from a dream. Without actively spinning stories, I had no self. If I had been Buddhist on my path to seeking Nirvana, this lack of self would have been a huge breakthrough, but I didn’t feel a sense of accomplishment at having achieved that state. Instead I felt the only way anyone can ever feel without a sense of self—free. Of course I knew that there were things that I did when I was “engaged.” I laughed and plotted. I manipulated a lot, I realized. Manipulation was my default mode of relating with people. Every relationship felt like a dance of giving and taking that I was constantly trying to choreograph, gauging which dance partners would serve my interests best. I liked things like power and excitement. I had no real interest in the content of my activities, just the skill with which I did them. I loved to seduce, not just sexually, but to inhabit someone’s mind so completely, and it was easy—easy to charm. I was a proli c liar, often for no real reason. I was a pleasure seeker, and although I had no real sense of what my self was, I still thought very well of myself. I didn’t need a self to exist. I had a unique role in the world: I was like an enzyme among molecules, catalyzing reactions without being a ected myself. Or a virus, looking for a host. I was di erent from normal people, but I knew that I existed. I acted and interacted. I was largely an illusion, but even an illusion is real in its own way—people experience it, and more important, people respond to it. I believe that a lot of the sociopath’s traits such as charm, manipulation, lying, promiscuity, chameleonism, mask wearing, and lack of empathy are largely attributable to a very weak sense of self. I believe that all personality disorders share a distorted or abnormal sense of self. The concept of a sociopath having an extremely exible sense of self is not entirely original to me, but it is not often clearly stated in the scienti c literature. I compiled my information from piecing together seemingly disparate elements of the literature on sociopaths in a way that conformed with my own personal experience. Psychologists look at the list of sociopathic traits and think they understand the “what,” but they don’t understand the “how.” I believe the “how,” the origin of many of our observed behaviors, is that we don’t have a rigid sense of self. I believe that this is the predominant defining characteristic of a sociopath. The person who has gotten closest to identifying this attribute of sociopaths is a professor at California State University–Northridge, Howard Kamler. He argues that “it is not just that [the sociopath] is lacking a strongly identi ed moral identity, he is likely lacking a strongly identi ed self identity almost altogether.” When the sociopath feels no sense of remorse, it’s due less to a lack of conscience and more to the fact that the sociopath does not feel that he has betrayed himself: “If a person has no strong sense of self in general, then of course he will probably have no strong sense of lost integrity when he violates life projects which for the rest of us would be central parts of our self identities.” For example, I never get upset when I break up with someone, primarily because I never had any emotional attachment to my status as a “girlfriend.” Similarly, I do not de ne myself as a successful professional of a certain intellectual or socioeconomic class, so it does not really bother me to be summarily discharged from prestigious positions and remain unemployed for long periods of time living on government payouts and the generosity of friends and family members. I know what I am capable of and that is enough. My particular status in any given moment is insigni cant to me except to the degree that I am aware of its signi cance to others in the way they view me and treat me. What is it like being self-aware without a self-construct? Much of my self-awareness is the result of indirect observation of the e ects I have on people. I know I exist because I see people acknowledging my existence, just as we know that dark matter exists in the universe not because we can see or measure it directly, but because we can see its effects as its invisible gravity distorts the motion of objects around it. Sociopaths are like dark matter in that we typically keep our in uence hidden, albeit in plain sight, but you can certainly see our effects. I watch for people’s reactions to me so I am able to understand, “I make people feel scared when I stare at them this way.” My awareness of self is made up of a million of these little observations to paint a picture of myself, like a pointillist portrait. As a child, my self was easier to de ne and therefore to ignore: I was a part of my family, a student at my school, a member at my church. I didn’t have to worry about betraying myself with bad behavior, only others; I was used to people looking over my shoulder all the time, so keeping my behavior in check was a constant concern. As an adult I don’t have that same external structure. I make more of my own decisions as an adult, but my actions also have much more permanent and serious consequences. That is why my prosthetic moral compass has been so useful to me, in helping to de ne me and restrict my behavior; my personal code of e ciency and religion have, for the most part, kept me on the straight and narrow. While I rarely break the rules, I tend to bend them. Mormons are well known for having dietary restrictions, most famously a prohibition on tobacco, alcohol, and ca eine. I drink green tea and Diet Coke, which seemingly puts me on the wrong side of the law, but I take an originalist interpretation of this provision. The actual language relating to ca eine prohibits “hot drinks,” which presumably does not include ice-cold cola. At the time of the provision’s inception, there was no green tea readily available, so it was unlikely to have been included in the prohibition. Consequently, I have a raging caffeine addiction. The prohibition on sex before marriage has a much more considerable e ect on church members, but it too contains some ambiguity. I’m told that in my grandparents’ generation, the line was drawn at “sexual intercourse,” and apparently people walked right up to that line. My dad once told me a story about how a church leader advised young men to “stay moral, go oral,” although he now denies he ever said it. That loophole has since been tightened up, if not closed, with the prohibition on the potentially broader category of “sexual relations.” With such vague terms, the church appears to be asking its members to interpret the complexity of sexual experience on their own terms. Don’t mind if I do. I nd richness in my sex life within the church’s parameters, like a poet who chooses to write in sonnets over free verse. Mormons are expected to pay a specific percentage of their “increase” to the church as a tithe, but that rule, like most everything, is subject to interpretation. I treat it like paying my taxes: I comply, but I maximize every possible deduction within the letter of the law. Indeed, I have never paid a tremendous amount of attention to the church’s reasons for doing what it does or asserting what it asserts. Rather than feeling a moral certainty about the rightness of the church and its articles of faith, my a liation with the church makes sense to me in the language of e ciency. In fact, I have to acknowledge that there is no empirical certainty for the existence or nonexistence of a Creator in the cosmos. I simply proceed as if I could know, and believe. If the church’s tenets by which I have lived are true, then I have invested wisely in my everlasting future. If they are untrue, then I have at least invested wisely in my present life by adhering to a reasonable moral code, with no measurable e ect on my uncertain future. I understand my faith as a foundation for living—the infrastructure on which I create a life that provides me with immense pleasures and essential joy. Even without a religious or ethical code, high-functioning sociopaths eventually learn that they can use their powers for good. Sociopaths cannot willfully blind themselves to exploitable weaknesses in others, but they can choose to use that special vision to be productive rather than destructive. Sometimes in choosing to manipulate or exploit weaknesses in others, you create vulnerabilities in yourself, for example by harming your reputation or feeding an addiction to increasingly outrageous antisocial behavior. Controlling our impulses also allows sociopaths to overcome our isolation by forming long-term, meaningful relationships. Sociopaths who truly seek to cultivate power realize that the greatest power they can acquire is power over themselves. Chapter 6 SAINTS, SPIES, AND SERIAL KILLERS I recently visited New Zealand and learned that it has a very diverse ecosystem. Until the arrival of humans, it was populated almost entirely by birds. They occupied every niche in the food chain, from tiny ightless things to predators so enormous they could snatch a hundred-pound prey for dinner. For millions of years, birds dominated their man-less, mammal-less world, a universe of feathers, beaks, and talons, knowing of no other form of higher life. The birds acquired a host of abilities and natural defenses optimal for their environment. But then in the thirteenth century, while the Europeans were still busy with their crusades, Polynesian explorers came, and with them came rats—with fur instead of feathers, teeth instead of beaks, and tiny paws instead of fearsome talons. The defense mechanisms that worked well against other birds failed against the rats. Small ightless birds who, when sensing danger, would remain perfectly still to avoid being spotted by predators ying overhead, would do the same when encountering a rat. Fighting for its life, in its passive way, the little bird focused its every e ort on not moving a single muscle—only to be gobbled up where it stood. The scienti c term for animals like the little bird who had not encountered rats or humans is naïve. I nd this charming, as if the little bird existed in a moral universe of which his New Zealand was a kind of Eden, its inhabitants living a peaceful existence disrupted only by the victimization of a cunning intruder, preying on their relative innocence. I often think the people I encounter are naïve, but only because they may never have encountered someone quite like me. Sociopaths see things that no one else does because they have di erent expectations about the world and the people in it. While you and everyone else are doing emotional sleight of hand meant to distract the average observer from certain harsh truths, the sociopath remains undistracted. We are like rats on an island of birds. I have never identi ed with the little bird, trapped by fear and an instinct for passivity, the wide-eyed victim of circumstance. I have never pined for an Eden of peace on earth and goodwill toward men. I am the rat, and I will take every advantage I can without apology or excuse. And there are others like me. Some of the most amoral and manipulative people I met in my life I knew in law school —rats who gamed the system with little regard for others at a level of meticulousness ba ing even to me. They calculated every event or encounter to optimize their advantage, even when the advantages were so trivial as to mean having a slightly better breakfast. Many of them seemed capable of committing massacre, grand theft, or real destruction, had a su cient motivating desire struck them to do so. I don’t know how many of them were diagnosable sociopaths, but clinical research and my own experience lead me to believe the rate was much higher than in the general population. Many, however, were the most interesting people I have known, and not so dangerous, really. Sociopaths are unlikely to be zealots; we can’t be bothered to take up causes outside of ourselves. The law school environment made everyone a little more sociopathic, since we were encouraged to view our successes in a zero-sum game measured by precise numbers. At the end of every semester in law schools across the nation, grades are collated and detailed rankings published. Rankings among my classmates had a direct relationship to our career prospects—it was as if everyone was walking around with a number above his head, and you could see it ittering there like a train station signboard, knowing that each adjustment around you re ected a change in the number above your own head. Of course, I gamed the system perfectly. I had three years, two semesters a year, for a total of six semesters, each of which had a di erent impact on my résumé: possible rstyear summer internships, whether I got on law review, the paid internship during our second summer, the last hope to improve my GPA before federal court judicial clerkship applications were due. I made Excel spreadsheets. I determined the odds. I chose classes and teachers on the basis of whether I knew I’d get an A. I used the school’s generous policy of allowing law students to take undergraduate courses pass/fail to pad my class schedule with such u as Jazz Improvisation, Music Ethnology, and Introduction to Film. While some of my classmates were learning about the intricacies of federal jurisdiction, I was relaxing in a classroom while two try-hards were locked in a heated debate over whether Tuvan throat singers were misogynistic. And the best part about it was that there was nothing wrong with what I did. That’s the beauty of numbers—there are no points awarded or taken away for being seen as either nice or ruthless, at least when grading is anonymous like ours was. I look better on paper than I do in real life. On paper I have all the hallmarks of success. But in my real life, things have often come to me the hard way. I don’t mean in the usual character-building way; I mean the untidy and indirect way that sometimes requires me to be extra resourceful and handily unabashed. I am absolutely shameless when it comes to asking for, pushing for, and ultimately inducing people to give me what I want, whatever it takes. At BYU, I played in all of the top music ensembles and performed in the closing ceremonies for the winter Olympics. These bullet points on my résumé look impressive as long as you don’t know that they were substantially the result of coercion. How? Through well-placed allegations of gender discrimination in my department with the university administration, an easy claim to make when all the music administrators were men. In law school I used the back door to get onto the prestigious editorial board of the studentedited law review, via a program designed to solicit more participation from women and minorities. From that subsidiary program, I campaigned vigorously and successfully to get elected to the editorial board, based again on the gender divide. To graduate with honors, I argued one of my professors into raising my grade. To get my rst internship, I practically begged the interviewer during my sendo handshake. I looked deeply into her eyes, beseechingly, earnestly, and said, “I really want this job.” I loved being perceived as smart and successful. And I didn’t care if I had to do ugly things in front of a few people to get there. A few scattered looks of disgust and heads shaking in disappointment hardly mattered to me. It mattered much more that I had the right little asterisks and icons in graduation ceremony programs indicating my various honors. I am not ashamed to admit that seeing them still gives me pleasure. When I graduated from law school, I landed a prestige-whore’s job (and we lawyers are all prestige whores) with a fancy rm in Los Angeles, making ridiculous amounts of money. I pre-spent my rst months’ salary on a wardrobe that would make me look like a high- ying, style-conscious Los Angeleno, but once I was actually sitting behind my desk I just wasn’t that interested in doing any of the work. I realize now that I was all about the form and disregarded the substance. The thing that allowed me to survive this way as long as I did was that I didn’t feel insecure about my backdoor methods. If anything, I was proud of them. I felt entitled to what I got. And why not? I had won every indicator of success in life through whatever means necessary—my test scores were consistently at the top of the charts, and my résumé was perfect. My career trajectory was astonishing, especially because it felt like a scam, and I loved to play that kind of game. When I was young, it was not enough for me to get A’s on all my tests. That part was easy. What thrilled me was the risk of guring out just how little I could study and still pull o the A. It was like this with being an attorney. I had no real desire to be one, only to playact as one. And really, to the extent that everything in the industry was a scam, I was just one pretender among many. I loved the subtle and not-so-subtle power games that played out in my o ce. I became a connoisseur of insecurities and used that knowledge to manipulate junior associates and senior partners alike, in big and small ways. The insecurities of highpowered attorneys are especially delicious, acute, and ever-so- nely grained. They have the usual things, like penis size, body image, and age, but the other, more obscure things are far more interesting. For instance, there was a partner in the o ce next to mine who was strangely insecure about the fact that he had six children. He wasn’t motivated by a religious commandment to multiply, so he felt like he had to explain himself. He cornered me during the o ce Christmas party, drunk on appletinis, and all I had to do was grin and be gracious while he confessed his sin of having too many children among urban professionals. Then he suggested that I coauthor his latest treatise. I didn’t take him up on the o er back in the o ce on Monday, but the feeling that he had revealed too much lingered. Everyone has defenses to protect themselves from hurt, stratagems to disguise their weaknesses and to avoid potential exploitation. The girl who grew up in the trailer park wears only Christian Louboutin shoes and Hermès scarves. The Nazi’s grandson works at the multicultural soup kitchen. The kid who grew up with learning disabilities spends his adulthood earning PhDs from the very best universities. The thing about these defenses, however, is that they work only if they are invisible. If they are somehow exposed, if another person can see them, then you might as well be naked, or standing stock-still waiting to be eaten. There is something so excruciating about being seen—really, truly seen—because people not only see the trailer trash in you, but they also see the striving heart that wishes it wasn’t. As in poker, many people have unconscious tells or little changes in behavior or demeanor that let me know the strength or weakness of the hand they’ve been dealt in life. Tells having to do with class usually work well. I don’t believe I have ever encountered a person without some kind of readable insecurities about their class or socioeconomic status. And these self-doubts pervade every aspect of a person’s life, from how to hold chopsticks in a sushi restaurant to whether to say hello to your mailman. In such circumstances, I can establish a favorable power dynamic by showing just the slightest disapproval couched in an easy, generous tolerance. It’s a kind of gently condescending noblesse oblige. I had been assigned to work for a senior associate named Jane in one of the rm’s satellite o ces, so I only saw her once every few weeks. In law rms, you are supposed to treat a person who is a couple years senior to you as if she is the ultimate authority in everything you do in your life, and Jane took this hierarchy pretty seriously. You could tell that she had never enjoyed such power in any other social sphere. Her pale white skin, mottled with age, poor diet, and middling hygiene, was evidence of a lifetime spent outside the social elite. But you could also tell she had tried to cultivate her own brand of brittle class privilege, albeit poorly. Jane had obtained—in answer to all of her dreams and as a result of her unimpeachable assiduousness—a modicum of power in her o ce, having satisfactorily worked for one of the more powerful attorneys at the rm. She wanted so much to wear her power well but she was clumsy with it—heavy-handed in certain circumstances and a pushover in others. You could tell that she was selfconsciously aware of it, which made her a particularly entertaining blend of ostensible power and self-doubt. I was not, perhaps, her best associate. As much as anyone I have ever encountered, Jane believed that I was undeserving of all that I had accomplished. Whereas she had taken so much e ort to dress appropriately (ill- tting beige suits with shoulder pads), I wore ip- ops and T-shirts at every semi-reasonable opportunity. While she regularly billed as many hours as humanly possible, I exploited our rm’s nonexistent vacation policy by taking three-day weekends and weeks-long vacations abroad. People were implicitly expected not to take vacations, but I had my own lifelong policy of following only explicit rules, and then only because they’re easiest to prove against me. She could sense that I outed this and other unspoken rules with little consequence by a quick look at my time sheets and my less-than-formal o ce attire. It wasn’t that she hated me; she just didn’t know what to do with me. To her, I was walking injustice. It disgusted her, but if I had sold my soul to the devil, she wanted to get his business card and contact information. I had driven to her o ce for a meeting, and we met in the lobby by coincidence as she was coming back from lunch. We walked together to the elevator, and when it opened, there were two tall, handsome men already inside. One was French, and both apparently worked at a venture capital rm that shared the building with our rm. You could tell by looking at them that they received multimillion-dollar bonuses and likely arrived via one of the Lotuses or Maseratis regularly parked in the underground garage. Lawyers might be wealthy, but they are almost without exception surrounded by far greater wealth. The two were in the midst of a discussion about the symphony that they had attended the night before, which I had also happened to attend. I didn’t go to the symphony all the time; a friend had happened to have some extra tickets. I casually asked them about it, and their eyes lit up. “So lucky to have met you! Perhaps you can settle a disagreement between my friend and me,” the Frenchman said. “My friend thinks that it was Rachmanino ’s second piano concerto that was performed last night, but I think it was his third. Do you recall?” I didn’t miss a beat. “It was his second. It was incredible, wasn’t it?” I actually could not recall, and it turned out to have been his third. Of course, it hardly mattered what the right answer was. The two men thanked me profusely as they left the elevator, leaving Jane and me to travel up to her o ce in enough silence for her to contemplate the dimensions of my intellectual and social superiority. It was the kind of elite encounter she hoped she would one day have when she was just a nerdy teenager clasping on to her dog-eared copy of Mans eld Park—that she would attend symphonies and be able to speak intelligently about them to handsome strangers. She had envisioned that matriculation at a highly ranked university and employment at a prestigious law rm would make such a moment possible for her, but it wasn’t hers. It was mine. Jane was a little jittery by the time we got back to her o ce, a combination of ca eine at lunch and worry that she had wasted her life. We were supposed to talk about the project I was working on for her, but instead we talked about her life choices from about the age of eighteen, her worries and insecurities about her job and her body, her attraction to women despite being engaged to a man for several years, and other things that I can’t bother to remember. After the elevator, I knew I had her—which is to say that I knew that whenever she saw me, her heart would utter; she would worry about all of the secret vulnerabilities she had exposed to me and wonder what it would be like to undress me, or to slap me across the face. I know that for a long time I haunted her dreams, and that even now, years later, I could make her hands tremble just by ashing her a smile. Of course power is its own reward, but with this particular dynamic between us established, I was able to leverage a brief cancer scare and outpatient procedure into a three-week paid vacation. Which is also a form of reward. I think that sociopathy gives me a natural competitive advantage, a unique way of thinking that is hardwired into my brain. I have an almost invincible con dence in my own abilities. I am hyper-observant of the flow of influence and power in a group. And I never panic in the face of crisis. I bet there are a lot of things about which people would want to be a little sociopathic. It frees me from the fear of public speaking or the possibility of becoming an emotional eater. Sometimes it is not clear to me whether I have fear or emotions, but I know they don’t affect me the way they do others. In the book The Wisdom of Psychopaths: What Saints, Spies, and Serial Killers Can Teach Us About Success, Kevin Dutton argues that there is a thin line between a Hannibal Lecter–type killer and the brilliant surgeon who lacks empathy. Sociopaths are primed for success because they are fearless, con dent, charismatic, ruthless, and focused— qualities that de ne them as sociopaths but are also “tailor-made for success in the twenty- rst century.” I used those traits to climb the social ladder from mis t kid to talented musician to high- ying legal student to well-compensated attorney—and who knows where else they will take me in the future? Sociopaths also think fast on their feet. Recent research suggests that sociopath brains learn in a chaotic way, similar to brains with attention de cit disorder, namely by breaking up the information into small fragments and storing it randomly in both hemispheres of the brain. Perhaps due to this odd storage system, the sociopath’s corpus callosum, that bundle of nerve bers that connects the two hemispheres of the brain, is longer and skinnier than in an average brain. Consequently, the rate at which information is transmitted between hemispheres in a sociopath’s brain is abnormally high. Of course, researchers almost never credit the sociopath brain as having any advantage over an empath brain, despite the demonstrated greater e ciency in transmitting information between brain hemispheres. Instead this e ciency is vaguely insinuated as the cause for the sociopath’s “less remorse, fewer emotions and less social connectedness—the classic hallmarks of a psychopath.” Normal people, even scientists, won’t ever admit that a sociopath’s brain might actually be better in any way. Every single article I have seen that even comes close to discussing some of the advantages of the sociopathic brain eventually backs o and makes some pat conclusion about how broken we are. In fact, the title of an article about the sociopath’s corpus callosum is “Out of Order.” But there are two meanings to that phrase, and I think one of them applies to this sort of bias thinly masked as science. While I have to admit that I am not exceptional at multitasking (and, really, most people aren’t), I have a genius for clear-minded focus. With me, my attention is always on one thing at a time, and I toggle rapidly through thoughts in a way that makes it sometimes seem that I have ADD. Despite this appearance, I am excellent at directing all my attention onto a single focus, particularly when driven to it by adrenaline. This can be very bad, like the time I became entirely fixated on killing that DC metro worker who hassled me for walking on a broken escalator. It can also be great in clutch situations, because I am able to tune out all of the white noise that might distract other people, the daily petty worries or insecurities that might plague other competitors. I can achieve a relaxed calmness in even the most frenetic situations. I believe that my lack of nerves is the reason why I performed so well on standardized tests in school. I don’t remember a time when I scored outside the ninety-ninth percentile. During a mock trial competition, the judge remarked, “At one point I wanted to go back there and check to make sure you still had a pulse. You seemed as cool as a cucumber.” During the California bar exam, people were literally crying from the stress. The convention center where the exam was given looked like a disaster relief center, with people sprawled out on any available oor space, in a desperate attempt to recall everything they had memorized over the past eight or more weeks, the contents of their backpacks and briefcases spewed out around them. I had spent those weeks vacationing in Mexico, making a cross-country road trip, and teaching my nieces and nephews how to swim. Despite being woefully underprepared by many standards, I was able to maintain calm and to focus enough to maximize the legal knowledge I did have. I passed while many of my equally intelligent and better-prepared friends failed. Psychologists have described this single-mindedness as “ ow” and have opined that champion athletes, master musicians, and other performers function at their best when focused in this way. Through this hyperfocus, I was able, with minimal work, to achieve a level of performance in school and my career that others would have to spend many times the number of hours preparing for, simply because I was able to marshal the exact mental resources I needed in the moment. But other activities require a broader focus, including things as simple as walking e ciently through an airport, engaging in a conversation with more than one person, playing poker, or navigating o ce politics during a sta meeting. For these things, I have gradually learned to expand my hyperfocus to include multiple, varied targets via what free divers call “attention deconcentration.” I’ve heard another practitioner refer to something similar as “situational awareness.” Unlike meditation, which seeks to eliminate all thought, attention deconcentration focuses the user on everything all at once, feeling everything simultaneously. According to free diver Natalia Molchanova, “What you do to start learning is you focus on the edges, not the center of things, as if you were looking at a screen.” She mentions that people who are subject to persistent stress factors where quick decision-making is necessary can nd it useful to di use their attention and blunt their “emotional reaction in critical situations [where it] can lead to the wrong decisions and panic.” When I get closest to achieving deconcentration, I am so hyperaware of all sensory inputs that I reach a total-body experience that one might call ecstasy. It’s very pleasurable. And useful, particularly in combating unwanted impulses by forcing myself to see the bigger picture, which makes a single impulse seem so inconsequential in comparison. Hyperfocus achieved a similar e ect by keeping me so engaged in one activity that I was blind to other temptations. Attention games became one of the best ways for me to nally liberate myself from the tyranny of my impulses and finally acquire some measure of social and professional stability. I lived for a long time as an undiagnosed sociopath, trying as best I could to gure out ways to cope with my di erences to succeed and to pass as normal in the wider world. But I wasn’t doing a great job pulling it o . I was stretching the patience of the partners at my law rm. Ultimately, I was red for shirking my work assignments. My relationships with friends and lovers were dissolving before my eyes. As I began my period of self-analysis and began investigating what it means to be a sociopath, I realized that though I had brought a lot of su ering on myself and people close to me, there was nothing objectively damning about having these traits. If I could gure out how to direct them in useful and productive directions, I could be true to myself and still live a satisfying life that minimized the harm I did to myself and others. It was time to take control of my life. The obvious starting place was my career. Despite my laziness and general disinterest, I actually was a great lawyer when I was trying. After I lost my corporate job, I worked for a short while as a prosecutor in the misdemeanor department of the district attorney’s o ce. My sociopathic traits make me a particularly excellent trial attorney, as compared to, for instance, an attorney who must learn and adhere to typeface requirements for court documents or carefully cull through millions of documents redacting minutiae. I’m cool under pressure. I charm and manipulate. I feel no guilt or compunction, which is a handy thing to have in such a dirty business. In law there are a million and one mistakes you can make, particularly when approaching a trial, particularly as a prosecutor. Prosecutors bear the highest legal burden of proof and ethics and face disbarment or other disciplinary action for errors. Despite this, misdemeanor prosecutors almost always have to walk into trial with cases they’ve never worked on before. It’s like buying a foreclosed home at auction sight unseen—it could be a steal or a nightmare. All you can do is blu and hope that if there is an issue, you’ll be able to scramble through it. No problem. At least for someone like me. The thing with sociopaths is that we are largely una ected by fear. It’s not because I am certain I’ll do a terri c job, although historically that has been true. With my intelligence, quick-wittedness, and level head I’m pretty sure that even if I don’t impress the judge I’ll at least put on a good show. The stereotypes about the bloodlessness of lawyers are true, at least about the good ones. Sympathy makes for bad lawyering, bad advocacy, and bad rule-making. The prosecution and the defense would both bene t from a little hard-hearted sociopathic lawyering. Whether you’re a down-on-your-luck welfare recipient or a billionaire corporate executive, you’d be best served by a sociopathic counselor like me. I won’t judge you or your supposed moral failings; I’ll just stick to the letter of the law and ruthlessly try to win by working every angle I can—and I like to win as much for me as for you. Lawyers deal with issues that most people would rather turn away from. Neuroscientist and sociopath researcher James Fallon has lauded sociopaths for performing “dirty work”—work that most people have no interest in doing themselves but that needs to get done, like providing legal representation for people whose behavior is (allegedly) abhorrent or disgusting. Somebody has to defend the Bernard Mado s and O. J. Simpsons of the world. Not only are the sociopaths willing to do the dirty work, they are often better at doing it than others. Working the slippery spot between right and wrong to my advantage is not only personally satisfying but has the additional bene t of being good lawyering. Lawyers know that a fact can only be made fact if wrestled from a sea of strenuously argued maybes. And like all sociopaths, lawyers recognize the self-interest that hides in every heart, ferreting out the hidden motivations and dirty secrets that underlie criminal acts. In law we have a word that is rarely used in other contexts: dispositive. Dispositive means “relating to or bringing about the settlement of an issue,” so a dispositive point of law or a particular fact is one that will allow a party to either sink or swim on a disputed issue. For instance, let’s say that I walk past someone hurt and bleeding on the sidewalk a mere twenty feet away from a hospital and I do not stop to help. The fact that I have no previous relationship to the victim is dispositive; the law would say that as a stranger I had no duty to help and I am absolved of any legal liability. Case closed. All other facts are worthless: that the victim screamed for help, that I had a phone and could have called 911, that I even had a rst aid kit and surgical gloves with me at the time. Dispositive is a word that is rarely used outside of law because almost nothing in regular life is so nal. Most of life is made up of vague moral and social norms that are annoying in their complexity and their ine ectiveness. Law is straightforward: a ush always beats a straight, and the speci cs of each hand are irrelevant. Because of this, law is also powerful. If the law says you did not murder someone, for all intents and purposes you did not, as the O. J. Simpson case famously illustrated. Although the law is fallible, we pretend it isn’t. This makes the law a trump card, as long as you can manage to manipulate a situation to where the law is on your side. Perhaps because it is so high-stakes, the courtroom is the scene of the greatest human drama. But I believe it is to my advantage that I am relatively unfazed by the emotion that seems to sweep up many of the players. In particular, I seem to be immune, if not blind, to the extremes of righteous anger. As a child, my siblings and I would occasionally be shamed and chastised for what, I’m sure, were infuriating infractions. My mother could justify her acts of violence and indignity as discipline and punishment, the prerogative of a parent. It was as if the prickly edges of cruelty could be bundled up in moral righteousness, and in this insulated state, they could be trotted out for their day in the sun when petty child thieves were caught in the act. It wasn’t until law school that I was able to identify this thing and know that I had no real part in it. In every course we took, our casebooks were lled with outrageous stories of fraud, deceit, and oppression, demonstrations of how deeply and creatively human beings can wrong each other. Once in a while some story would prove too much for my classmates, and they would collectively become incensed, getting visibly upset over things that had happened decades or centuries ago to dead strangers. Watching them, I was fascinated but nervous. These people apparently felt something that I did not. From such outrage, I heard the most ridiculous suggestions for my classmates’ illogical, knee-jerk calls for vigilantism, in complete disregard for the carefully balanced scales of justice. When my classmates could no longer identify with the child molesters and the rapists in the pages of our casebooks, they allowed righteous anger to determine their decision-making, applying a di erent set of rules to those people they considered morally reprehensible than they did to people they considered good, like them. Sitting in class, I saw how the rules changed when people reached the limits of empathy. This impulse plays out not just in the rare ed space of the law school classroom but much more palpably in the public square. Almost every action movie constitutes the enactment of darkly violent wish ful llment. A son avenges his mother. A father avenges his daughter. A husband avenges his wife. Each act of vengeance is more gruesome than the last. It isn’t enough that the bad guy is prevented from doing his bad deeds; he must su er as much as possible. It is as if the existence of evil—or something that can be designated as such—provides a safe haven for the good to engage in evil. It’s a safe space to indulge in inflicting harm, to experience the sublime of suffering. I do not understand or participate in the rush to judgment and punishment that seems to sweep up empaths, even in their roles as attorneys, judges, and jurors. If you have been falsely accused of a horri c crime, wouldn’t you prefer to have a sociopath defend you, or sit in judgment of you? The nature of your presumed crime is of no moral concern to me. I am only interested in winning the legal game we play in sorting out the truth from the jumble of facts, partial facts, and misunderstandings. Practicing law in front of a jury and judge is much more satisfying than slaving away in an o ce as one of many anonymous, highly educated drones. Trial is the culmination of everything that came before it, and after it little else matters. It is the quintessence of “dispositive.” Trial is do or die—successfully persuade twelve jurors to vote how I want or lose. At trial, I get to perform. I am a lion tamer, the center of attraction in the threering circus that is the modern courtroom. It requires me to understand what people want to hear, not one-on-one, but on a grand scale. Trial forces my people-reading skills to go into overdrive, which in turn requires me to use attention deconcentration—focusing on everything at once. To get what I need, I must spin together a convincing narrative. I play o people’s hopes and expectations, their preconceptions and biases. I use everything I’ve learned from a lifetime of lying about what makes a story plausible, even believable, to make my story seem like “the truth” and the opposing attorney’s story seem like a pack of lies. And nally, because I don’t trust people’s rationality (particularly in issues where morality is implicated), I play o the one thing that you can always trust people to respond to—their fear. And I am like a cancer-sni ng dog when it comes to nding exactly which buttons to press to tap in to someone’s ready supply of fear. During jury selection, and depending on the laws of the state, the lawyers are allowed to question jurors about any prejudices before they are empaneled. Jury selection is a juror’s rst chance to form an impression of me. It is seduction in suits, and like any good seducer I start out casually. I rst ask about their occupation, nodding simple approval for those jobs of which the juror is neither proud nor ashamed. For the jobs of which I can sense the juror is ashamed, I make a remark like “That job must be in high demand” to indicate my approval before the rest of the jurors. With this comment, I become his ally and champion. I’ve done him a favor for which he owes me a certain amount of allegiance. If I can tell that the juror is especially proud of his job, I express surprise and amazement at his accomplishments. The best predictor of whether someone will like you is whether they feel you like them. I like to optimize my chances. Being a juror is a hard job. Evidence is not presented linearly and is limited in all sorts of ways before trial for unknown evidentiary and procedural reasons. Witnesses show up according to their availability, each telling a story that makes up only a small piece of the puzzle. Often, the purpose of their testimony might not even be apparent. For this reason, jurors often direct the bulk of their attention to the drama occurring between the attorneys. It’s only natural. Lawyers are present the entire time and seem to be running the show. Jurors spend the whole trial watching from the jury box as we move, speak, and act, knowing that there are invisible rules governing our behaviors. They understand that important things often happen in the courtroom while they are sequestered in the deliberation room. And even more maddening are the sidebars in which lawyers and judges conduct whispered conferences out of their earshot. Even in the halls, jurors are not allowed to speak to the lawyers. All of this makes us walking mysteries to them—celebrities starring in the only show in town. I am always polite to opposing counsel, but never so much so that it would appear I like them. In the halls, I smile lightly and with ever-so-slight coquettishness, signaling that I share with the jurors embarrassment at the awkward situation in which we nd ourselves. I am never ingratiating to the judge. Inside the courtroom, I am likable, too, but armed with power, authority, and knowledge to which the jurors are not privy. People can be afraid of having power. Asked to choose between having power and giving up power to a “trusted” entity, people often prefer to give it up rather than have the responsibility that comes with that power. This is particularly true if they don’t feel like they have a speci c expertise and are worried about making a mistake, like deciding if a defendant is guilty or innocent. I know that they are unsure of themselves and are looking for someone to trust, to take away the burden of power. I make myself that trusted repository of power by exuding con dence and authority. I make meaningful eye contact with them when I discuss certain disputed issues in the case. I want to convey to them that they aren’t hearing all of the story, and that if they knew what I knew they would come to the same conclusions I have about the case. I always make a more compelling character than the other attorney. I imply that, outside of the courtroom, I am a lot like them—the type of person you could turn to when you have a thorny problem you need help solving. This alliance with the jurors is key when jurors reach the deliberation process. Jurors are instructed that they must reach consensus based on their rational understanding of the evidence presented. If one di ers from the rest, he must make his case to the other jurors. The worst thing that can happen to a juror is to appear a fool for believing something that is clearly not credible to everyone else. Good attorneys use this peer pressure in two ways. First, I make myself into the most reliable and powerful ally a juror could have, making him believe he is not the outcast, because his alignment with me, the most popular girl in school, makes such a prospect impossible. I become the invisible juror in the deliberation room, controlling my puppet jurors by ensuring that they respond to any challenge by saying: “But remember when the prosecutor said this?” If I have done my job presenting my story in a way that it seems like “the truth,” this should be sufficient to ensure a verdict in my favor. But because people cannot be counted on to act rationally, I also engage their fear centers by subtly shaming them into believing my version of the story. The message I want to be broadcasting at all times is “You would be an idiot to believe the defendant’s version of events.” People do not like to feel like they were duped, so a juror’s fear of looking stupid overcomes any anxiety about sending a fellow citizen to jail. I’m not a bully about the shaming; rather, I suggest to each and every juror that I believe he or she sees it my way because I can see that he or she is an intelligent, reasonable person. The juror and I are on the same team, and it’s the winning one. I enjoyed being a trial attorney, and I was successful at it. I loved the sensation of risk, for instance the risk of making a misstep that could result in a mistrial or the possibility of being waylaid by a witness changing his story on the stand. There was the seductive aspect of winning over the jurors and judge, not to mention the feeling of power I got from being the center of attention. Instead of seeing trial as a big moral issue, I played it like a game of poker—both sides dealt a speci c hand and determined to play their hand better. Law is great that way—there really are winners and losers in clear, de ned ways. Doing justice is ne I guess, but beating someone is its own reward. Luckily the justice system was designed exactly for this type of partisanship—an adversarial system in which our closest approximation of truth can only be reached if both parties are putting forth their best efforts at winning. Indeed, there are a lot of careers for which the skill set of a sociopath is particularly well tailored. Jim Fallon mentions surgeon and investment banker. Sociopath researcher Jennifer Skeem has suggested that the protagonist in the lm The Hurt Locker, a bombdisposal specialist in Iraq, is a classic example of a sociopath due to his lack of regard for the rules, his boldness and fearlessness in defusing IEDs, and his trouble relating to the emotions of his team members. By looking at the list of characteristics, I could also add professions like military o cer, spy, hedge fund manager, politician, jet pilot, underwater welder, re ghter, or many others. A high risk tolerance allows people like me to take opportunities that others could not, providing us an edge in competitive environments. And as Al Dunlap, the former CEO and possible sociopath, describes it, those sociopathic traits can be a real boon in the corporate workplace: unemotional, ruthless, charming, con dent. Lots of sociopaths are ambitious or are hungry for power or fame —all traits that are lauded in the business world. Joel Bakan, author of The Corporation: The Pathological Pursuit of Pro t and Power, argues that if corporations have “personhood” under the law, then it makes sense to question what kind of people they are. He posits that corporations behave with all the classic signs of sociopathy: They are inherently amoral, they elevate their own interests above all others’, and they disregard moral and sometimes legal limits on their behavior in pursuit of their own advancement. Organizations of this type would thrive under the leadership of people who have the same traits: sociopaths. And, indeed, a study for a management development program discovered that managers at the highest levels of their companies were seen as “better communicators, better strategic thinkers, and more creative”—and they also scored higher on measures of sociopathic traits. Though they weren’t popular with their sta s and were rarely seen as “team players,” they were generally believed to have leadership potential. The authors concluded that “the very skills that make the psychopath so unpleasant (and sometimes abusive) in society can facilitate a career in business even in the face of negative performance ratings.” Perhaps it can be argued that there is something wrong with corporate capitalism, but that is the system society has settled on, and it’s one in which sociopaths can excel. In my own work life, I’ve found that my need for constant stimulation means I am excited rather than stressed when deadlines approach. My desire to win whatever game I play makes me ruthlessly e cient, and my un inching con dence that I will win inspires others to follow me. I am logical and decisive, a natural leader, particularly in crises where others panic or fall apart. I can get angry in a ash, but it is also over in a ash, which allows failing members of my team to realize that while failure will not be tolerated, no one is holding grudges. Now that I have learned to steer my inclinations along useful paths, I am a natural leader and a success in my professional exploits, not in spite of my sociopathic tendencies, but because of them. Commenters on the blog have attested to similar experiences: I am the Service and Production Manager for the largest producer of bottled water in the U.S. Before that I started as a laborer for one of the largest concrete companies in the U.S. Within 12 years I had 2 bosses (the owners of the company), and had over 350 people below me. Needless to say the transition from construction has been di cult, but we (Sociopaths) can adjust or rather force adjustments. As a teen, I was told I had a severe adjustment disorder. I don’t adjust to my surroundings, I make my surroundings adjust to me. I do, by manipulation or intimidation. We are wolves amongst sheep. Another commenter suggested that sociopathic managers “want to out-do each other. They don’t care about their colleagues or praising someone else at their level. They are self centered. But they get the job done and that’s all that really matters and if they are high up the ladder it’s unlikely they will be confronted with the way they run their ship.” Sociopathic traits can and do manifest themselves in malignant ways. But particularly in the eld of business, one reader suggests, sociopaths might actually create less discord than empaths do: I think it’s the empaths who are the bigger problem. They engage in bad politics and base most decisions on the whims of their emotions, the main one being the fear (probably not unfounded) that others are out to screw them over and take away their power. Having worked for incompetent, frightened and greedy individuals (not a pretty mix), and a couple of pathological narcissistic ones, I don’t see how a sociopath could do worse. Logic, even cutthroat logic, would be a nice change. In fact, when corporations or managers mix business with their personal feelings or sense of morality, it can often lead to decidedly negative results, like the backlash against corporations such as Chick- l-A for their anti-gay-marriage stances and the lawsuits from shareholders against corporate o cers for having the corporation support political causes that are unrelated to the company’s business. As another reader put it: The only reason business might be a good t for people with little conscience is because corporations are themselves purposefully designed to be without a pro-social agenda. Corporations are created to make money. Period. Ergo, … corporations self select those who are likely to help ful ll its pro-pro t agenda, sociopath and normiopath alike. That’s the beauty of it. The company does not care if you have a conscience or not, only that you can put your morality aside to make a profit, if that is called for. No, at least when it comes to business, cash is king. This doesn’t mean that corporations can’t do good things. As one reader pointed out, “corporations, like sociopaths, can choose to act in a benevolent manner out of their own best interest— and often do.” I love money. It’s so impersonal. In a world where everyone likes to win, money is frequently how the score is kept. I don’t like spending it, necessarily; I don’t get much pleasure from buying or owning things. Money doesn’t matter to me in itself. But the acquisition of money is a game I like very much. It seems that other people care about money more than almost anything else in the world, and because they care about it so much, they will ght hard for it—against me or anybody else. They’re just as committed to winning as I am, which makes the game very fun. Sometimes all you need is a di erent perspective to win, particularly in something like the stock market. As Sir Isaac Newton famously confessed after losing a small fortune in the stock market in the early 1700s, “I can calculate the motions of heavenly bodies, but not the madness of people.” I have an incredibly green thumb for money, particularly in the stock market. I fully funded my retirement by the time I was thirty years old. Since I started investing seriously in 2004, I have averaged a 9.5 percent return in the stock market—257 percent better than the 3.7 percent average returns of the S & P 500 over the same period. Beating the market this soundly and consistently is unheard of and many argue it is impossible (or due solely to luck). In 2011, only one out of ve mutual fund managers beat the S & P 500, and only a handful of individuals have managed to do so with any regularity. I do it every year. I am not trading on better knowledge. In fact, I am a relatively unsophisticated investor. Instead, I am trading on a special vision. When I look at the world, the aws or vulnerabilities in people and the social institutions that they’ve made jump out to me, as if they were highlighted for me and only me to see. Sharks see in black-and-white. Scientists have suggested that contrast against background may be more helpful than color for predators in detecting potential prey, helping them to focus on crucial spatial relationships rather than extraneous details. I’m color-blind in a way that makes mass hysteria seem particularly striking in contrast to normal, expected behavior. My lack of empathy means I don’t get caught up in other people’s panic. It gives me a unique perspective. And in the nancial world, being able to think opposite the pack is all you need. Traders laud the “contrarian” mentality. Warren Bu ett said: “Be greedy when others are fearful and fearful when others are greedy.” Easier said than done for the vast majority of stock traders. And when I’m trading stocks, those are the people I am up against. On every stock trade there is someone who wants to sell and someone who wants to buy, at least at a particular price. Each tends to think the other is an idiot. In simple terms, the person who is selling thinks that she is getting out just in time while the person buying thinks that he is about to make good money. Because the actual transaction is faceless, I can’t practice my usual people-reading skills or manipulation, but I don’t need to. The truth is that the market doesn’t really re ect some magical perfect valuation of a stock under the e cient market hypothesis. It re ects the mass consensus of how actual individual investors value the stock. It is the sum total of everyone’s hopes and fears about what a company is capable of doing. Preying on people’s hopes and fears is my métier, even en masse. It’s how I played my jurors. There’s a desperation to both hope and fear that becomes obvious once you’ve learned to spot it. With my color-blind eyes, I see these features more starkly than anything else. And you only need to see this desperation in a few people to know that it has reached a critical mass of people. Joseph Kennedy said that he knew it was time to pull out of the market before the stock market crash of 1929 when even his shoe-shine boy was giving him stock tips. Joseph Kennedy may not have been a sociopath, but he certainly acted like one. In a 1963 Life magazine feature on him, Kennedy was described as having the sociopathic traits of being able to mix well “in all kinds of company, against every background,” from the very highest of the social elite to the “theatrical unknowns” inhabiting Greenwich Village. “Only the keenest observer” would realize that Kennedy was actually allied with none of these groups—“he belonged to no world but his own.” Kennedy was no doubt aided in his stock market exploits by this ability to be both one of the crowd and completely independent. In fact, Kennedy was described by a broker whom he shared an o ce with as a man who “had the ideal temperament for speculation” because he “possessed a passion for facts, a complete lack of sentiment and a marvelous sense of timing.” I may not be as talented as Joseph Kennedy, but I also am blessed with a complete lack of sentiment. Kennedy and I are not the only cool heads that have been drawn to the stock market. An estimate that 10 percent of Wall Street employees are psychopaths was being casually thrown around the media in 2012, but the research so far doesn’t con rm that number. A 2010 study by Dr. Robert Hare of psychopathy among corporate professionals found that about 4 percent met the threshold for clinical psychopathy, versus about 1 percent for the general population, though as Hare has said, “we do not know the prevalence of psychopathy among those who work on Wall Street. It may be even higher than 10%, on the assumption that psychopathic entrepreneurs and risktakers tend to gravitate toward nancial watering-holes, particularly those that are enormously lucrative and poorly regulated.” While the fall of Enron and the banking collapse of 2008 are sometimes blamed on sociopathic behavior, it’s not clear whether the ringleaders were actually sociopaths or not. On the one hand there are some pretty sociopathic-sounding quotes from Enroners talking about cutting o power to Grandma so they could squeeze more money out of the state of California. On the other hand: (1) most Enroners didn’t necessarily break the law but were careful to stay within the letter of the law, and (2) they did what they were supposed to do—make lots of money for the company, even if it involves manipulating markets in unethical ways. Some have suggested that the only reason that most Enroners may not have technically engaged in unlawful behavior was because they used their money to eliminate or change the regulations that they didn’t like. The rise and fall of Enron was shocking to people because it exposed the face of corporate hubris and amorality. A sociopath would be well at home at a corporation like Enron. A sociopath might also do something as reckless and risky as being a whistle-blower. In a lot of ways sociopaths and corporations are like the weather: Sometimes rain is a blessing and sometimes it is a curse. The most people can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I might have been a good lawyer but I gave up practice a few years ago, because it got boring, and I realized I am not very interested in helping people or corporations. I would much rather indoctrinate them, which is why I became a law professor. I was lucky to stumble upon law teaching as an option—one of my friends was a professor and encouraged me to send letters to schools in case they had any emergency teaching needs. And it turns out that I love teaching: the lifestyle, the pay, the power, and most of all the autonomy. Every year a new crop of students arrives to be charmed. I have a small cadre of legal “nemeses” that I play one-sided games with—other academics in my eld whom I disagree with or don’t like. My scholarship often focuses on ruining theirs. People are often surprised to learn that I teach less than six hours a week, less than eight months out of the year. In many ways it’s a dream job for someone inherently lazy and unable to do grunt work like me, but eventually I’m sure I’ll get bored of it too. After I do, I don’t know what, but I’m sure things will work out. They always do. As an academic, I work in an institutional setting organized within idiosyncratic parameters. For instance, law professors are the most formal of academics in that they are expected to wear business attire, given the formality of dress that their students will be expected to adopt upon entering their profession; however, they are also less often expected to abide by community norms, since their role is to challenge existing legal regimes. In other words, you should wear a suit, not be one. Some of the biggest legal academic superstars bring their dogs with them to work and some of the biggest losers wear power ties. This is the kind of environment in which I thrive because I am used to both trying to conform and never managing to conform completely. My students love this charming quirkiness I exude. I am unusually attentive to their needs. My rst few years I performed extensive market research, subtly surveying my students on hundreds of topics until my teaching had as much mass appeal as a Big Mac. I always get exceptional teaching evaluations that cite my thoughtfulness and my apparent lack of ego. I am described as witty and never condescending. Even better, I am entertaining—making jokes and livening up dry material with videos or group work. By my second year at my rst teaching job, my class enrollment doubled as students raved about my ability to make even the most esoteric subject relatable. It helps that I am, according to one of my teaching evaluations, a “stone cold fox.” Not true, but I am well aware of the research that attractive people get treated far better and are perceived as being far more competent than ugly people. Consequently, I dress carefully for class. I shop for clothes that are both conservative and sexy, like a threepiece skirt suit with a vest that ts more like a bustier and a knee-length cigarette skirt cut to t a pinup model. If I wear a pantsuit, I’ll sometimes push the gender lines by wearing suspenders and a tie. To the men, I am an object of desire—a ready-made “hot teacher” fantasy. For the women I am a whip-smart, successful role model, who also has an eye for fashion and is not afraid to say the word tampon in class. All of this is a carefully calculated persona meant to appeal to the greatest percentage of the student population possible. Of course this could all go horribly wrong, and sometimes does. Sometimes I overplay the sex appeal. I had one student accuse me of pandering to the male students. The truth is that many new students are suspicious of my easy charm and what is starting to seem like a cult of personality built around me. This can be a serious danger with sociopaths in the workplace. One blog reader told a similar story: I recently had a malignant narcissist as an immediate superior, my little boss as I liked to call him. He hated the fact that those that I was in charge of liked me so much and would do whatever I wanted them to do. They would not listen to him for anything unless it came from me. Even though technically he was their Big boss, it was me their loyalty was to. Because I am such a “nice guy” they loved doing things for me; I gave them all the credit of course, which only made me look better in the eyes of MY Big boss (who is my little boss’s boss; make sense?) and further infuriated the “little boss.” My little boss proclaimed me a cult of personality, a cancer to the business, and feverishly tried to defame me with the Big boss. Finally he got personal on a day that my patience was wearing thin and I snapped. I now have to go find employment elsewhere or face assault charges … oh, the life. I don’t mind some students’ skepticism in the face of my magnetism. They’re law students; we train them to be cynics. As with jurors in a trial, it takes a while to build up a rapport with them. I am aware of their distrust so at rst I am very straightforward, e cient, and professional. I don’t want to seem presumptuous. Nor do I want to seem overly available, as if they are on my same level. I am con dent and aloof. If someone is acting out of line, I will put them back into their place with a quick, dispassionate put-down. I will correct some slight misunderstanding of theirs or call on them for a particularly thorny question so the class can see them squirm. The class likes this. They don’t like gunners or the teachers who cater to them. Apart from that, there are no power struggles. I have nothing to prove. Their tuition dollars are paying me, and handsomely. They can try to ght me, but in that classroom I am God. I write the test. I give them the grade. If I say something is the law, it is the law. Even so, I show o just enough so that they feel lucky to have me and not someone far less engaging. My students become interested in me as a person. They develop little crushes on me, which I feed with the selective disclosure of more and more personal information—that I am a musician, that I have an interesting background in the law lled with high-pro le clients whose names modesty prevents me from dropping. I am rarely explicit about anything. I make people work for these personal details about my life, drawing their own conclusions, which makes the information seem all the more authentic and valuable to them. Now, if I had shown up on the rst day of class touting my credentials, talking about my personal life, nurturing people’s crushes, it would have been disastrous. Every once in a while I forget and make a joke too early, show familiarity too soon, and have to immediately back o again with a renewed period of neutrality, but I’ve gotten better. Now it’s like cooking an old familiar recipe, which makes me worry I’ll get bored of it soon. It seems to me that many people could bene t in their work from this kind of analysis of how to manage people by managing their expectations, how to endear people to you by being respectfully aloof. I don’t get wrapped up in the emotional con agrations that can undermine a serene workplace, and it seems to me that a lot of leaders fail to deal wisely with problems. Once in church I attended an “air your grievances” meeting. Within minutes people were erupting in angry accusations. Although each person’s grievance wasn’t much on its own, the sheer number of them surprised everyone there. People became incensed that the church leaders remained heedless of all these pressing concerns. Everyone left riled up with grievances that they never knew they had before. I thought this was absolute idiocy. I couldn’t imagine a meeting being run more poorly. When I have little insurrections in class or any other professional environment, I target the biggest complainers individually. I schedule a meeting or write them a quick e-mail saying things like, “I noticed that you seemed really frustrated by X.” I let them talk for as long as they need, commiserating with them without necessarily committing to any particular position. I neither justify nor entrench myself in any particular position nor agree with their own position. As part of the commiserating, though, I focus on their feelings: “That must be so exhausting,” or, “I understand, the reading assignments are very demanding.” I try to use words that sound sympathetic but also make the problem sound either surmountable or like something that should be expected from a lawyer in training, or whatever their position or skill set is. I gure that most people just need to vent, but I am also trying to subtly shame them. I say things like, “Law is hard, that’s why you’ll get paid the big bucks,” implying that the student is being a crybaby and should toughen up. By isolating the potential instigators and stealing their thunder, I never give them the chance to speak publicly and gain support. Everyone else is left knowing only about their own particular struggles, assuming that any issue with me or the class may have more to do with their own personal failures than a larger institutional failure. I rely on people’s need to appear smart in other ways. For instance, it’s traditional in law school for lecturers to cold-call on students during class. I don’t like to do this because frequently they’re ill prepared and it wastes time. If I never cold-call, however, the students will pick up on this and stop preparing as thoroughly for class. What I have started doing is e-mailing a student ahead of time that I will call on them for a particular case. To the rest of the class it appears as if I have cold-called on them. The student performs marvelously. The other students can’t help but wonder, Am I the only one who isn’t completely getting this material? So they work harder. The student whom I e-mailed has every incentive to keep the e-mail secret because it makes his performance more impressive. This divide-and-conquer approach to classroom and workplace management has been e ective for me on many occasions, and I’m surprised more people don’t adopt it. I once worked with a bully. She had no position of real authority but had managed to make herself indispensable in the o ce where I had just started. At rst I was lulled by the bully’s seeming good nature and charms; she just seemed nice, asking me about what projects I was involved with, how things were working out. But one of my new coworkers warned me that the only thing she wanted to help me do was fail. As the bully was saying good night to everyone, I pulled her aside, put my hand on her shoulder, and said, “You know, I have to apologize to you. I made a joke this morning that was in poor taste. You asked how everything was going with my new project and I said, ‘So far so good.’ I didn’t mean to imply that I wasn’t giving the project my full attention and skill. On the contrary, I am one hundred percent dedicated to the success of this project. I think I was just trying to be self-deprecating, but I realize now that the joke fell flat.” My apology caught her off guard. She started to spill, “Well, it’s true that the last few people in charge of that project got red, and I was just thinking, maybe … but maybe you’ll be di erent …” And just like that she showed her hand. She acknowledged that she was aware of what my project was (even though she pretended to have no clue the day before), its history, its importance, and her obvious interest in my failure. The next day I was all de ection. She asked me a question, and I gave her a nonanswer and asked her questions back, even for the most meaningless of things. “What did you get for lunch?” “Oh you know, same old. What did you get for lunch?” “What are you working on now?” “Little this, little that. What are you working on?” The terser the answer, the more o -putting it was to her. The bully, now desperate and sensing the shift in power, quickly progressed from “chummy” sideways questions to direct inquiries. “So how did that project turn out yesterday? Did it get approved?” Wouldn’t you like to know. As one blog commenter said regarding bullying: [Some] seem to think that sociopaths are the biggest bullies. Any intelligent sociopath should understand that violence and threats are easy, and can back re horribly if they rely on them. Sociopaths are crowd-pleasers rather than crowdrepressors, bullies make enemies when they gain power, sociopaths make friends. These tactics may be inspired by a sociopath’s sel sh desire to avoid emotional drama and upheaval, but they can benefit any organization. In addition to the pleasure I take in teaching, one of my favorite activities is attending academic conferences. All of the professional action happens there, so everything about the way I present myself is extremely calculated. First, I am careful to wear something that will draw attention, like jeans and cowboy boots while everyone else is wearing business attire. The cowboy boots both emphasize and explain my strut, and I want to indicate that I’m not interested in being judged by the usual standards. This is important because people look at my name tag to see where I teach. Because I don’t teach at a top-tier school they don’t immediately expect that I will be brilliant, but the truth is that I am. I’ve also found that, in a predominantly male profession, it’s helpful to remember that women are seen as objects. I don’t ght their expectations, I just play with them. They like to be played with and I like to force them to see things my way. I know they underestimate me but I don’t ght it. My shtick is that I am just the messenger giving straight facts. “But also do you see how X only looks like Y from this angle? If we looked at it from this other angle, doesn’t it look more like X?” I let them see it for themselves. I think it is more convincing. I learned this from my experiences with juries. I’m trying to transplant an idea into their heads. I need to be careful how I present it so they don’t reject it as foreign before it even gets settled. But I also want it to seem a little like magic, the same way an answer to a riddle seems a little like magic. Of course riddles are not by their nature puzzling, they’re puzzling due to the way they are presented—leaving out vital pieces of information. Riddles have the appearance of being solvable; that’s why people get engaged in guessing and trying to show o . When I present at conferences, I also try to get people engaged in guessing. In fact I speci cally ask for shows of hands guessing about the results. When you nally reveal the end of a riddle, it makes you look like a genius, when really it’s because you purposefully presented the issue that way. One riddle I frequently use in law discussions is the riddle of why the Salt Lake City airport has some of the best smoking facilities of any airport in the United States. The majority of the state population is Mormon. Mormons do not smoke; they believe the body is a temple and that smoking desecrates that temple. I ask people to guess why a state full of nonsmokers would build such convenient smoking facilities in an airport. Everyone thinks this is an answerable question and they are intelligent people so everyone hazards a guess, but no one has yet guessed correctly—just me, after I asked myself the riddle one day pacing the halls of the airport during a weather delay. That makes me the magical keeper of the riddle. The nice thing about this riddle is that it has a very simple answer: the airport has always been nonsmoking since its construction in the 1960s. LAX, LaGuardia, and many of the other major airports in the United States have smoking accommodations that seem like an afterthought. And they were, because those airports originally allowed smoking throughout the terminals. While the main terminals of those airports were a haze of cigarette smoke in the 1960s, the Salt Lake City airport was originally built to be nonsmoking. To appease smokers in a larger society where indoor public smoking was the norm, the airport was built with easily accessible “smoking rooms” spread throughout the terminals. In this way, a good accommodation for smokers actually arose out of a special awareness on the part of nonsmokers. People like this little twist. It seems to be a parable about the di culty of predicting unintended consequences or a cautionary tale about how quickly the dominant majority can become an oppressed minority (maybe making special allowances for sociopaths is not so ridiculous an idea?). I like the riddle for its moral ambiguity and for the way it reveals the simplistic complexity of the world. My legal work is not fake, any more than my answer about the Salt Lake airport is fake. What is manipulative is how I present it. I lead them down a particular path that predestines them to reach only one conclusion—my conclusion. They don’t know where it’s going to end up at the end, and that’s part of the thrill. It almost seems like intellectual magic. Really it’s just effective rhetoric. As a law professor, my original ideas represent almost the sum total of my worth to my school. I like to say outrageous things and have people challenge me. I like the controversy. The more controversy, the more people will remember my talk. I have an answer for everything. Their initial underestimation draws them out for my attack. They’re used to a world of hiding behind credentials. My point: I am not what you think I am. I want them to hesitate before challenging me again. I want them to be afraid to call my blu . Law is appearances, and it is rare to have a sure thing, so I make the most of it when I have it. I know I can’t compete with the oxford-shirt types, or even the types who can rattle o the facts of the last dozen decided Supreme Court opinions. Like everywhere else, there is an old boys’ club of lawyers and judges who want to hire someone who looks and acts just like them—or at least the younger, more virile version of them. They whip out their knowledge of substantive law in a way that makes it seem like they are comparing penis size. I don’t care to engage in legal debates. Most of substantive law is boring, particularly to someone who needs constant stimulation as much as I do. I don’t have that type of brain, nor do I care enough to acquire an encyclopedic knowledge of the law. And I don’t have any interest in keeping up on any current legal issues. This is why I was not well suited to being a practicing lawyer. I can’t make myself do things the way most people can, even very important things that matter a lot to the client. Luckily, as an academic, I have the freedom to learn and teach whatever I want. Still, I must keep up at least the appearance of competency, which is why, when I am engaged with the old guard of the legal community with my reputation at stake, I am very aware that I must choose my battles. Like the revolutionary army ghting the redcoats, I lure my enemy from their comfort zones and ambush them with my own strengths: reading people, seeing flaws or areas of possible exploitation in a system, and thinking outside of the box. I nod pleasantly at my colleagues until they make a mistake and then engage them on that. It is a little more guerilla warfare than they are used to. Some might say that it is not ghting fair, but I am keenly aware that there will never be a fair ght. Not for people who teach at the school I teach at and can’t manage to remember the names of all nine current Supreme Court justices. Conferences are also mine elds of emotional complexities for me. I dread the cocktail parties and sometimes invent a persona for the evening, allowing me to inhabit yet another role. One of my paramours remarked that this paradox was what drew him to me initially—he wanted to know which one of these personas was the real me. He claims that he could tell there was much more going on in my head than met the eye because although I seemed perfectly pleasant when engaged in conversation with acquaintances, I disengaged much too smoothly for it to have not been thoroughly premeditated—as if I spent the entire conversation with a smile on my face and the thought of escape plots in my head. Unless I am actively trying to convey a particular message or to seduce, I would rather not talk to people. There’s too much risk of my saying something incriminating and no corresponding benefit, so I will just stay silent. I actually do prepare anecdotes for the purpose of engaging in small talk at social events that I am frequently required to attend, like my riddles. This has proven to be essential in seducing my colleagues and friends, getting through otherwise painfully awkward evenings, and even scoring career points. I have learned that it is important always to have a catalog of at least ve personal stories of varying length in order to avoid the impulse to shoehorn unrelated tidbits into existing conversations. Social-event management feels very much like classroom or jury management to me; it’s all about allowing me to present myself to my own best advantage. As I’ve learned to satisfy my sociopathic tendencies with more productive professional behavior, I’ve also reined in some of my youthful impulsiveness. I was reckless as a young attorney, but always with the sense that the downside would be outbalanced by the bene t. I would do stupid stu like submit easily veri able fake reimbursements for pittance sums. I got the law rm to pay for my tennis lessons one summer. I tried to seduce one of the lead partners who was in a very happy relationship with her longtime partner. I successfully seduced one of the more obscure partners, but he didn’t stay spellbound by my charms after I did subpar work for him. I got away with most of it, and no one ever called me out—until I was fired. But now I have more to lose if things go wrong—more money, a more stable life, a career, a relatively constant set of close associates. All these gures get crunched in my head and make me aware of a million di erent risks, which added together are not negligible. And that awareness gives me the symptoms of what is probably best described as “anxiety,” even though I used to be completely oblivious to all of it (or didn’t care). Every time I have gotten this far in the past I have quit and started over. The older I get, though, the fewer do-overs I have left. I may still seem reckless, particularly in circumstances in which people are irrationally afraid and I am relatively unfazed. I still like excitement in my life; I tend to seek out new and potentially dangerous experiences, like a recent bungee-jumping trip I went on with friends. But as I have aged, I have admittedly retreated into more of a life of the mind in which my excitement and thrills come more from mind games or intellectual pursuits where the reward-risk ratio is high. I play fewer games with my colleagues’ emotions, though I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop completely, or if it will even be necessary to. In truth, a lot of lawyering was smoke and mirrors. I play the part that people expect. It’s not like there weren’t bad parts. There were really bad parts. I’m a little bit of a legal idiot, at least when it comes to certain topics. I have terrible fashion sense. My rst impulse in a conversation is frequently a bad one. I’ve just learned to fake my way through errors, or outsource my fashion (and moral) decisions, or spin misstatements into clever, sarcastic jokes. Like an actress who is aware that she has a good side and a bad side, I was always careful to put on the right sort of show for the right sort of audience, for lovers and employers and friends. And for a while, I pulled o my performance to general acclaim. Now, many years later, after this period of self-analysis, I have learned to be basically honest with myself, my family, and a few intimates. But for the sake of getting by— holding a job, having a life—I present a mask of normalcy to the world. It can be lonely. I become restless from pretending to be normal for too long and too hard. But going through the motions of being normal and stable does make them true, to some degree. What’s the di erence between acting the part of a good lawyer and being one? What’s the di erence between pretending to be a valuable colleague and being one? I’ve come to realize that the scam I was playing as a new lawyer has acquired the weight of reality—it is my life. Chapter 7 EMOTIONS AND THE FINE ART OF RUINING PEOPLE When we were children, my sister Kathleen and I read The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. I didn’t identify with Dorothy and her wish to return to her Kansas home. I wasn’t the heroine who saved her motley band of companions from the forces of evil. Instead, I saw myself in the Tin Woodman, who began life as Nick Chopper, an Ozian logger. His troubles began when he fell deeply in love with one of the Munchkin girls. The girl’s guardian refused to part with her and made a pact with the Wicked Witch of the East, who bewitched Nick’s ax to harm him. When Nick wielded the ax against a tree, it slipped from his ngers and cut o his leg instead. The next day it cut o the other leg, then both arms, then his head, and then nally split his torso in two. Each time his ax betrayed him, Nick would go to the tinsmith to replace his lost esh with a tin prosthetic. However, when Nick came for the last replacement, his split torso, the tinsmith forgot to include a prosthetic heart. Tin Woodman was unperturbed. Without a heart, he no longer cared about whether he could marry his former love; without a heart, he no longer cared about much at all. It was as if the Wicked Witch had given him a gift with her cruel and painful curse. Tin Woodman’s new tin skin was more durable than his old soft esh, and he shone with brilliance in the daylight. He delighted in the beauty and strength of his newly improved, albeit heartless, self. In chopping up his esh, she rid him of another and possibly more painful curse of wanting what he could not have, of holding on to the Munchkin girl as the answer to his happiness. I often wonder if, like the Tin Woodman, I was also given a kind of gift—a release from the things that seem to torture others. It is di cult to feel dissatisfaction when you rarely look to others for satisfaction. In some ways my de cits have freed me from wanting and not having that which seemed so essential to them—some purpose or identity in the world, some a rmation of the goodness and rightness of my existence. The only disadvantage that Tin Woodman could see was that he was susceptible to rust, but he was always careful to bring an oil can with him should the weather happen to turn. But one day, the Tin Woodman was careless and got caught in a rainstorm without his oil can. His joints rusted shut and he could no longer move. He remained frozen for a year before Dorothy discovered him. It was only during that motionless year that he began to realize what he was missing: “It was a terrible thing to undergo, but during the year I stood there I had time to think that the greatest loss I had known was the loss of my heart.” It took a long time for me to nally rust over—to reach that period of aimlessness, unemployment, and self-searching that slowed me down and gave me time to think about who I am and what I want. The rusting happened in ts and starts. I had long stretches of bewildering emotional arthritis, through which I trudged onward in my unyielding determination to ignore pain. These were punctuated with periods of success and happiness, of superior performance and pleasurable mastery of the world around me. But as heartless as I am, I have wanted to feel love, to feel connection, to feel like I belong to the world like anyone else. No one, it seems, can escape loneliness. I know enough, however, to understand that getting a heart isn’t a quick x either. Even after Tin Woodman gets his version of one, he has to be very careful not to cry lest his tears cause him to rust. A heart can be paralyzing in its way. It is not at all clear that the Tin Woodman is happier or better after he receives one. When I think of myself, I feel that I exist rst as a will—I am the product of my desires and my e orts to ful ll those desires. I identify more as a sociopath than by my gender or profession or race. In my soul, it feels like I was cast rst as this iron-hearted thing, this Nietzschean machine, and then the rest of me came later—perhaps my consciousness next, and then my body, and then the phenomenological awareness that comes with being inside a body and negotiating the world through it. You feel the universe as mediated through the particles of your esh, viewed from the height of your eyes and touched through the nerves in your ngers. People perceive you in a certain way and treat you accordingly, and so you become a mélange of certain qualities and impulses and desires, all entangled at atomic speeds in the molecular space of your body. But at my heart I feel I am just want, need, action, and my sociopathic traits profoundly impact all of those things. I have trouble navigating my own emotions. It’s not that I don’t feel them. I feel a lot of di erent emotions, but some of them I don’t recognize or understand. Often it feels like my emotions are without context. It is like I am reading a book one page at a time, but starting with the last page and moving backward. There are clues to help me understand, but there is no linear logic that allows me to infer simple cause-and-e ect relationships between the vague discomfort I feel and the recognition that “I am sad because of X.” And if I can’t contextualize my own emotions, I have even greater difficulty understanding the emotions of others. Recent research from King’s College London’s Institute of Psychiatry revealed that the brains of sociopathic criminals show distinctly less gray matter in the areas of the brain that are important for understanding the emotions of others. Studies indicate that sociopathic brains do not respond emotionally to words such as death, rape, and cancer the same way that normal brains do. We respond with about as much emotion as we do to a word like chair. More research has shown that sociopathic brains have a lower number of connections between the prefrontal cortex (which helps regulate emotions, processes threats, and facilitates decision-making) and the amygdala (which processes emotions), which could explain why sociopaths do not feel su cient negative emotions when doing something antisocial. This neurological disconnect between emotion and decision-making can be a decided competitive advantage in most professional settings, where risk taking is often richly rewarded, but it can cause real problems in personal settings, in which sociopaths are expected to make emotional connections. One blog reader said: I’ve always worked in sales and my [moral] exibility has paid o time and again. But I think I’ve often been promoted to levels where my personal style becomes a liability. When I do well the next logical step always involves managing other people or corporate partnerships … stu that require[s] a great deal of sensitivity to the interests of others over a longer term. This is the level where I seem to make mistakes. Then I have to go somewhere else and start all over again. I am much like this reader. Because I am largely just mimicking emotional connection or understanding, almost all of my exploits have an expiration date at the moment when pretending to care ceases to be sustainable. One of my favorite theories regarding a sociopath’s emotional world comes from psychopath researcher and University of Wisconsin professor Joseph Newman. Newman has advocated that sociopathy is largely an attentional disorder, where the sociopath is getting all the right input but is just not paying attention to it in the same way that everyone else is, so it is meaningless to him. In the emotional realm, Newman argues that sociopaths feel the same breadth of emotions that normal people do, but that they do not attend to the emotions as others do and therefore experience them di erently. Newman has noticed that if a sociopath’s attention is directed at a particular emotion, she can generally feel it the way that normal people can. The di erence is that it is not automatic; the sociopath has to make the conscious e ort to focus her attention that way. Therefore, sociopathy results in an “attention bottleneck” that allows sociopaths to focus on only one activity or train of thought to the exclusion of other social cues and “perhaps even signals sent over the prefrontal-to-amygdala pathway” that would tell them to stop doing what they’re doing. This theory resonates with me. If I focus on an emotion, I can greatly amplify its force far beyond what it should be. For feelings that I don’t care to feel, I just tune them out. It’s easy to ignore anything that would be inconvenient or unpleasant to consider. In this way, my sociopathy feels like an extreme form of compartmentalization. I can shut myself o or open myself up to emotions like fear or anger or anxiety or dread or joy just by ipping an internal switch. It’s not like I can’t ever experience these emotions in the right circumstances; I just have to know how to tap in to them. It’s sort of like looking for a signal by turning a dial, like a radio. All those things are out there, all the time, being broadcast through our airwaves. All I have to do is tune in to the right station. If I want to feel something—despair, anxiety, bliss, horror, disgust—I just have to think about it. It’s like seeing a glass half empty and then ipping the switch or turning the dial to look at it as half full. I believe empaths sometimes have a similar sensation and label it an epiphany—a sudden shift in perspective—that changes the way they think about the world. Because the scope of my perspective is so focused, and so limited, I experience this feeling of epiphany many times a day. It can be disorienting, but it keeps things interesting. Most people have to listen to whatever signal is being broadcast the strongest, both within themselves and in their social environments. By virtue of my sociopathy, I get to choose which signals to listen to. Sometimes it’s nice to be able to choose who to mirror or how to feel, but it can also be a burden. If I’m in a social situation, I have to constantly and actively monitor the airwaves. Most people pick up on social and moral cues because they automatically tune in to other people’s emotional stations, reading body language unconsciously and displaying appropriate emotional responses in a natural, instinctive way. Empaths are like cell phones in this way—they automatically seek out the strongest signal from the cell towers. Sociopaths, on the other hand, are like traditional radios. I can only hear the strongest signal if I happen to be on that station, or if I’m being extra vigilant about scanning. It’s a lot of work; there’s a lot of trial and error involved. Often the best I can do is realize I’ve missed an important cue, then shift and shuffle through my stations to recover. This happened the other day with one of my students. I had called on her about the meaning of the Latin phrase duces tecum because she had previously indicated some knowledge of Latin, but she shrugged the question o . After class she came up to me to say that she would be missing the next class, that her grandmother had died that morning and that she was ying out for the funeral the next day. My stomach sank and I became anxious. I spat out the usual, “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that,” accompanied by a very concerned-looking face (hopefully it was concerned looking—luckily the grieving are not close observers of the authenticity of faces). She lingered. I didn’t know what else to say so I kept yammering: “Well, presumably you have asked one of your classmates for a copy of their notes. Also Mr. Smith usually audio-records the lectures; you might want to ask him for a copy of the recording …” She wasn’t making eye contact, looked down and away. I didn’t know what to say and I wanted to get away from her so I finished with, “But I’m very sorry for your loss.” At that she understood that our conversation was over. I didn’t understand what the purpose of the conversation had been or whether I had properly met her expectations, but I got more nervous as she walked only ve feet away to be comforted by her classmate, now visibly upset, triggered by the slightest provocation of her classmate’s small expression of concern. I suddenly had the irresistible impulse to leave the room as quickly as possible, but she was blocking the aisle to the door. Luckily, I remembered that there was an emergency exit at the back of the lecture hall that dumped into a little alleyway and I made my escape, instantly hidden by the night. I threw my stu in my car and made a hasty exit from the parking lot, determined not to run into the deadgrandmother student again. So, I can be awkward around strong emotions. But over the years, I’ve gotten better at masking my errors. I can cycle through possible emotional choices very quickly and come up with acceptable responses like a computer playing chess. But like chess, there is a practically in nite number of pathways and variations in human social and emotional interactions, and I’ll never be as fast as an empath in intuiting emotions or applying the appropriate (natural) responses. Being relatively unemotional can be very useful in professional situations, but it’s caused some unfortunate tensions with friends and lovers when things do not upset me that they desperately think I should be upset by, like being worried at the possibility of a breakup. Not long ago when I told my friends that my father had just had a heart attack that day, they were very confused about whether I was being serious and whether it was an appropriate thing to joke about. This confusion occurred only because I did not accompany my statement with the appropriate show of negative emotion. In fact, when I was formally diagnosed, I believe that one attribute—having conversations about very emotionally fraught subjects without appropriate displays of emotion—was one of the most striking indicators of sociopathy that I displayed to my psychologist. It is the one that is often the hardest for me to accurately fake. A lot of times my lack of emotionality just reads as an increased masculinity. The men I date sometimes lament that they feel like the girl in the relationship. I wonder what my sociopathy would look like if I actually were male—it often seems that male sociopathy exhibits itself as blatantly antisocial in a way that is not always the case in women. Indeed, very little research data exists regarding sociopathy in women, but what has been done reveals that female sociopaths exhibit only two or three main features that are similar to those found in men—usually, a lack of empathy and a pleasure in the manipulation and exploitation of others—but do not often exhibit violently impulsive behavior. I am rarely tempted to commit violence, but my impulsiveness got me into plenty of trouble in my teens and early twenties, when I would nd myself being groped and harassed in seedy concert venues alone and scantily clad, traveling down a heavily trafficked dark hilly road on my back on a skateboard, or caught in a lie (and possession of stolen goods) in a retail store’s security o ce. On occasion I experience bloodlust, in particular when I think someone is trying to force me to experience guilt or shame. One commenter on my blog remarked about impulse: “Once impulse takes control there is no grasp of reality or balance until it’s over and you’re looking down at what you’ve done wondering what the next move is to get away with it.” Impulsiveness and fearlessness are de ning characteristics of sociopathy. Scientists have explored variations in psychophysiological traits in sociopaths, nding that sociopaths have an abnormally low startle response when confronted with aversive stimuli. It appears that we have a de cit in our ability to feel negative emotion—or fear —in response to threats. I literally do not blink in the face of danger. One time I walked in on two men robbing my apartment. At rst I didn’t realize what was happening. They of course did and scurried out the back window where they had come in. I ran after them but then realized that most of my things had not been taken, only piled in the center of the room in preparation. There was no point in chasing after these men, and so I stopped. The police came at my neighbor’s insistence, but I felt acutely aware that I had no idea how to behave before them. I was not naturally afraid or particularly concerned, though I knew this was what was expected of me. I ended up just being friendly, but it came o as irtatious. Maybe that’s okay. It’s these unusual circumstances that are certain to trip me up in my continuing project to appear mostly normal. My rst year of teaching, I said many borderline-o ensive things and then I just started intentionally saying them, as if I was being sickeningly sarcastic or deliberately o beat, like suggesting that I might dress as Condoleezza Rice for Halloween. It’s not that the mask slips o and reveals my true thoughts. I don’t really have “true thoughts,” just good and bad performances as I attempt to say and do things that normal people say and do. And really, I can’t help myself. I am continually shaping my self-presentation so that I can control what people think of me. I have been doing it for so long that I cannot even imagine what I would be if I were not performing all the time, blunting my edges and cultivating tricks of invitation. Even the way I speak is manufactured. I have an ever-so-slight accent, something of a low drawl colored with unusual in ections, that is nothing like my siblings’ or parents’ accents. It has no identi able origins but developed, I think, from my propensity to indulge in the sound of my own voice. If you listened closely to my speech, you would hear the pleasure I take in the textures of consonants and the phrasing of vowels. I have done everything to maintain and cultivate my accent, as I’ve discovered that it promotes a kind of accessible mystery and captivating vulnerability, an otherness that is attractive and nonthreatening. People often mistake me as foreign, most frequently Eastern European and Mediterranean. One of my paramours actually said that, if anything, I seem like an alien—“decidedly not human.” I meet a lot of people at work and at conferences, and I work hard at putting on the right act to optimize my standing in the profession. Unfortunately, like many, I’m bad at remembering people’s faces, typically because I did a quick valuation of someone as a person upon meeting him and gured he was not worth the e ort. If he remembers me and I don’t remember him, I act like an idiot for the rst few sentences. Then I irt like mad. I touch shoulders. I laugh heartily and repeat his name as often as I can. “Oh, Peter! I like the way you think!” If he compliments me back I accept the compliment with con dence, then quickly turn the conversation to him and keep it on him. I am gracious and generous with compliments and expressions of interest. My accent is more pronounced. I create a rush of attention and attery, with no apparent origin or goal. I excuse myself abruptly. I always make sure that I leave the conversation. I am careful not to be left. If I’m stuck where I am, I veer the conversation to an area of personal expertise. I know what you are thinking. This is what douchebags do. But you would be surprised at how delicate I am about the shifting of conversations. You would not notice it unless I told you. I ask at least a few more questions before I confess my own experience, interest, or knowledge of the subject matter. I am razor sharp. I tell witty stories or interesting factoids. “You lived in Los Angeles for a year? Isn’t it beautiful?” “After about three months there I got sick of the sun. I felt that every day I had to be out bicycling or hiking or otherwise making the most of such good weather.” “Ah, see, that’s the special pleasure of living in that climate, being able to waste a beautiful day by drawing the drapes and watching ten episodes of The Sopranos. It’s decadent. Like eating gold flakes.” People like to hear words like pleasure and decadent. They think of Roman orgies or chocolate. I emphasize my point by tilting my chin down ever so slightly while maintaining eye contact. My hand reaches out to touch theirs just for an instant, a half grab or tug that never really materializes. It’s unmistakably sensual but too eeting to be forward. They laugh nervously, wondering for just a moment whether I can read their thoughts. Of course I can. Sociopaths typically don’t make small talk about themselves as much as normal people do. They will direct the conversation back to the new acquaintance as much as they can. When I talk to people, the only thing I really care about is getting what I want. This is true of everybody, but I never am trying to get someone’s approval or admiration, unless it is a means to the end. I have no desire to talk. Instead, what I nd most useful is collecting a mental dossier about everyone I know. Knowledge is power and if I know even something like where your grandmother is buried, I might be able to use that in the future. Consequently, it typically only makes sense for me to listen. If I’m not listening, I’m probably telling a joke or shamelessly attering you. I probably would rather not be talking to you at all, but since I am, I might as well be polishing my charm. A sociopath will reveal “personal” details about himself strategically, i.e., for the purposes of misdirection or a false sense of intimacy or trust. Revelations of actual truths are very rare and may be perceived as a small slip of the mask. I don’t like people knowing things about me because it just means more things for me to remember that I can’t lie about (or more lies to keep track of if I decide to evade the truth). And if knowledge is power, I want to keep my cards very close to my chest. Sociopaths are supposed to excel at deceit, and new research might reveal why. The brain is made up of gray matter, which is the groups of brain cells that process information, and white matter, which carries electrical signals from one group of neurons to another, connecting the di erent parts of the brain. Habitual liars, in a study by Yaling Yang of the University of Southern California, had on average 22 percent to 26 percent more white matter in their prefrontal cortex than both the normal and antisocial controls. The white matter may be a result of liars making connections between things that nonliars would not make, for instance “me” and “ ghter pilot.” According to Yang, these connections allow you to “jump from one idea to another,” fabricating stories from otherwise unrelated stories and ideas. What is not clear from the study is whether these connections facilitate lying in the otherwise truthful, or repeated lying creates these extra connections by “exercising” them. On the blog, I am careful to disguise my identity. The deepest and most invisible lies are the ones that you never have to say out loud—that others tell about you to themselves. I selectively disclose information about myself for strategic reasons. For instance, I never talk about my gender or even strictly about my ethnicity or other demarcating personal characteristics. I hope that by doing so I will be a blank slate and people will be able to project their own ideas onto me. I want to be a gurehead, a receptacle for people’s hopes, dreams, fears. I want people to relate directly to the blog —to think of the sociopaths they love in their lives or the sociopaths they hate. If I got too speci c about anything, the illusion would be broken. Instead I stick to generalities and let people ll in the blanks in whatever manner they feel inclined. When people write to me and say that I seem to describe perfectly their own experiences, either as a sociopath or as someone who has known a sociopath, I know I have been successful. The self-con dence that has helped me become something of a gurehead with the blog also helps in my seduction life. I always do much better than my looks alone would warrant. I don’t just walk, I strut. I make solid eye contact. I act as if one of my main purposes for existence is to be admired, and I give people ample opportunity for it. I always assume that people have crushes on me, a belief that has been validated many times by embarrassed confessions years later when the issue has become less sensitive for the sufferer. Sometimes, though, I’m very wrong, particularly about this. Sometimes I can’t see people’s disgust for me because I’m so single-mindedly inclined to see adoration. I have natural advantages, but I have my own blind spots, too. While I can often observe a social situation and gauge each person’s place in the power hierarchy or her potential vulnerability to exploitation, I have a very hard time gauging the emotional subtleties of a conversation, in ways that can be harmful to me. Sometimes it is impossible for me to tell when someone is mad at me. Some researchers, like Simon Baron-Cohen, believe that people with antisocial personality disorders su er from a degree of mind-blindness, the inability to attribute mental states to themselves or other people, which is intimately tied up with the ability to feel empathy. One reader of my website described being confronted (particularly by strangers) this way: When people yell at me, I am confused rst and foremost. Bursts of strong emotion take me completely by surprise, and it takes a second or two for me to regain my wits. After that brief moment, my brain immediately kicks into high gear to analyze the situation: Why are they yelling? What are they saying? Have I done something deliberately to harm them recently or ever? Have I done something they could indirectly assume as harming them? If sociopaths have mind-blindness, how are we able to manipulate so well? Practice. We have to deal with people daily, so we get a lot of opportunities to practice. We’re forced to compensate for our mind-blindness in whatever way works for us. Sink or swim. I can seem amazingly prescient and insightful, to the point that people proclaim that no one else has ever understood them as well as I do. But the truth is far more complex and hinges on the meaning of understanding. In a way, I don’t understand them at all. I can only make predictions based on the past behavior that they’ve exhibited to me, the same way computers determine whether you’re a bad credit risk based on millions of data points. I am the ultimate empiricist, and not by choice. There seems to be some connection between empathy and the ability to understand sarcasm—apparently one’s ability to feel for another aids in correctly interpreting hidden meanings behind words. Many sociopaths have a tendency to take things too literally or otherwise not to respond appropriately to nonverbal emotional cues. I am often completely oblivious to sarcasm, to the disbelief of everyone around me. Although I am often acutely aware of the power dynamics of social situations, I sometimes miss out on social cues that can be glaringly obvious to others. Often they involve customs related to authority, the little tokens of respect that are so bewildering to me as to be invisible. One time, at an interview for a very prestigious clerkship, I met with the judge brie y. We talked for a while and he suggested that he was going to go o to lunch, but if I wanted to talk some more I should come back after. I never came back after lunch. I gured that we had already said everything we had to say to each other, and so that was that. It wasn’t until many years later that I realized that if I was interested in the clerkship, I should have at least come and rea rmed my interest after lunch. I wish he had just told me that, but I guess the whole point of the test was that I was supposed to know what to do without being told. Indeed I often am entirely literal, using words in their ordinary dictionary meaning. It’s actually odd to me how frequently empaths will say one thing and mean an entirely di erent thing, expecting their listeners to pick up on the true meaning. Fortunately though, widespread sarcasm and insincerity make it easier for sociopaths to “pass” in society. It allows me to speak my mind quite sincerely and have people laugh it o , apparently because no one wants to believe that someone would admit to thinking such bloodless things. I regularly comment on my desire to exploit my admirers or to kill cute animals, and I don’t even need to laugh or smile for people to think I am joking. Perhaps the best example of this is the rst time (and every time since) that I casually admitted to being a sociopath in public. I wrote a humorous article for my law school newspaper in which I not only admitted my own status but conjectured that much of the student body was sociopathic as well. Because I was poking fun at law school in general and mine in particular, no one thought a thing of it. Another blog reader admitted: Try and tell the truth for once and no one wants to hear it. So I’ve given up, and I tell the truth quite a lot now. In circumstances such as: “What are you thinking?” “How your ear would feel in my mouth if I ripped it o with my teeth.” “Haha!” Or the good old: “Do you like me?” “I don’t give a shit about you.” “Haha!” I tell the truth, and no one believes me. Learning to communicate with empaths is like trying to understand and speak a foreign language. When I had taken four years of high school Spanish I gured I could understand the basics of what people were saying and reply back to them, but the truth is that I frequently don’t. Sometimes I don’t know enough to even realize that I have misunderstood. When people assume that I am their ethnicity and start speaking to me in their own language (typically Hebrew or Spanish, but not exclusively), I just reply back to them in m y American English, which indicates to them immediately that I am not who they thought I was. Of course I don’t dare do that when people speak to me in an emotional foreign language. I don’t dare tip them o that I don’t speak the language natively, that I am not who they think I am. So I say my one or two rote phrases that I’ve learned for the most common situations and try to quickly leave or change the subject. It’s not ideal, of course, but nothing about my life is. But despite these handicaps, sociopaths have a unique talent for getting under other people’s skin. I am often asked how sociopaths seem to be able to “see” someone’s soul and view them as they truly are. It’s a good question and a common complaint (compliment?) regarding sociopaths. I don’t think that sociopaths are any more perceptive than other people, they’re just looking for di erent things—weaknesses, aws, and other areas to exploit—and concentrating a good deal of e ort on it. Sociopaths are dangerous because they are such keen students of human interactions, closely studying others with the goal of picking up on the right social cues to blend in, imitate normal behavior, and exploit where they can. The more you pay attention to something, the more aware you will be. I am a musician, and I can listen to a recording and tell exactly what is going on, who is playing what, even the way the music was mixed in the studio. You could learn that too, if you practiced as much as a musician does. Ruining people. I love the way the phrase rolls around on my tongue and inside my mouth. Ruining people is delicious. We’re all hungry, empaths and sociopaths. We want to consume. Sociopaths are uniformly hungry for power. Power is all I have ever really cared about in my life: physical power, the power of being desired or admired, destructive power, knowledge, invisible in uence. I like people. I like people so much that I want to touch them, mold them, or ruin them however I’d like. Not because I want to witness the results, necessarily, but simply because I want to exercise my power. The acquisition, retention, and exploitation of power are what most motivate sociopaths. This much I know. What do I mean by ruining someone? Everyone has their di erent tastes in regards to power, just like everyone has their di erent tastes for food or sex. My bread and butter is feeling like my mind and my ideas are shaping the world around me, which is of course why I bother writing the blog. It’s my daily porridge; it keeps me from starvation. But when I indulge—when I am hungry for the richest, most decadent piece of foie gras—I indulge in inserting myself into a person’s psyche and quietly wreaking as much havoc as I can. To indulge in malignity. To terrorize a person’s soul without having any real design on the person. It’s a pleasure to build something, to see the physical embodiment of your work. It can be equally pleasurable to destroy, to see the devastation that your hands have wrought, like swinging a pickax at a discarded wooden door with careless abandon. Both make you feel powerful and capable. But there is a special pleasure in destruction because of its rarity—like dissolving a pearl in champagne. Every day we are expected to be productive, pro-social. But if you’ve ever had an impulse to tell your best friend that yes, those pants do make her look fat, you understand how liberating it is to unrestrainedly lash out at another’s softest parts. How many times have I done this? It is hard to say. Often when I was young, I did it without being aware of what I was doing. I remember I always liked being in friendship groups of three because they were so unstable. I used to invent drama so I could pair up with one or the other against the third. There’s nothing too sociopathic about that. Every little girl likes to indulge in that sort of drama and many never grow out of it. People sometimes express shock to learn that there is someone out there who is not only actively working against them, but is doing so for no other reason than the enjoyment of exing their power. In fact, I think that toying with people is something that comes naturally to all of us. I am sure you have done it or had it done to you—the way many people we admire can callously disregard our feelings, thriving on the self-importance they feel from the interactions without being self-aware enough to realize what they are doing to people around them and why. We can all tell when people have crushes on us, sexual or platonic, and we enjoy wielding that small amount of power over them. If anything, sociopaths are just a little better at it and enjoy it in a particular way. When I have such thoughts of ruining people, I typically have a small tell—my tongue caresses one of the sharp points of my teeth. I grind my teeth like a champion and I’ve ground one of my upper canines down at except for one jagged, needle-like point. (One time when I was a teenager, my dad accused me of being in a gang and ling my teeth down on purpose as some sort of sign of a liation.) I love tonguing that tooth; it gives me shivers of pleasure. The physical sensations of sharpness on the soft flesh of my tongue would be enough, but what I really like to think about is how secret it is from the outside world, safely hidden inside my mouth. My teeth present as a whole, their dominant characteristic being an eerie but natural perfection. The sharp little point gets lost in my sea of gleaming white teeth. It reminds me of Bertolt Brecht’s lyrics about the charming serial killer Mack the Knife: And the shark, it has teeth And it wears them in its face. And Macheath, he has a knife, But the knife you do not see I wish I could tell stories of ruining people, but they’re the stories most likely to get me sued—situations that involved the police and restraining orders and professional lives derailed. Or they are failed attempts in which the person only suspects me of not having their best interest at heart and stops associating with me, and so are too boring to relate. Still, I think even my attempts to ruin people perhaps best re ect my sociopathy, and are the most consistent deviation from my current, relatively pro-social lifestyle. I do have a moral code that I try to adhere to, but ruining people is my practical reality, the same way that picking up men in airport bathrooms might be the practical reality for a closeted gay, married Christian evangelical. I think that my adherence to my prosthetic moral compass is similar to the way most people adhere to their religions. I was recently at a conference with a woman who is Jewish. We went to a burger joint and she ended up ordering a grilled cheese sandwich. Why? She says that she keeps kosher, but when she travels she just tries to approximate. To her, kosher eating is an important moral goal, perhaps a good rule of thumb, but she accepts that no one can be perfect in everything. She understands that she is just human, that we are all just human, and that people will fail no matter what sort of code they set for themselves. If you didn’t ght constantly to maintain the code despite slipping up here and there (sometimes just to give yourself a break), you wouldn’t need a code in the rst place. If you just naturally behaved in a certain way, you wouldn’t need to consciously try to ght your natural inclinations with some rigid framework. You’d just live however you were inclined to live. For me, I don’t feel a compulsion to break with my code in typical ways: I am not a compulsive gambler, I am not an alcoholic, I am not a sexaholic, I am not a drug addict. Most of my cravings are usually sporadic or harmless. To the extent that I crave something consistently, it is to cease my tireless e orts at impulse control. In other words, what I really crave is to be able to act in whatever way I want without having to worry about the consequences. I typically ght that craving. The worry is that if I let myself go just a little bit, I will revert completely back to the way I was before, which I know isn’t a sustainable way to live. But even so, I have to have a way to blow o steam. So I ruin people. It’s not illegal, it’s di cult to prove, and I get to ex my power. It feels good to know that I can and that I am good at it. The fact that it is wrong or can hurt people is not necessarily the point. No one has ever died from my ruining. I think some people have barely even noticed, or if they have noticed it is because I have had all the e ect of a y buzzing in their ear. This was probably true of one of my favorite experiences, a love triangle I constructed between me, Cass, and Lucy. I dated Cass for a while, and though we considered the possibility of a long-term arrangement, I ultimately lost interest. Cass did not. He was sure to keep in touch and in passive-aggressive ways always seemed to be part of my life. Cass wasn’t going to tire easily, I could tell, so I tried to nd other uses for him. One such use appeared on a night when Cass and I attended a party together where people were playing kissing games. As soon as we entered and got separated in the crowd, Cass was accosted by someone as part of one of these games, a person who was later introduced to me as Lucy. She was striking, particularly in her similarity to me, which made me want to ruin her. In my mind I quickly did the calculations—Lucy was smitten with Cass, Cass was smitten with me, which meant I had an unexpected power over Lucy. At my direction, Cass began pursuing Lucy. In the meantime, I found out everything I could about her from her well-meaning friends. These little forays with the friends were not only a means to an end but their own independent sources of pleasure. It turned out Lucy and I were born hours apart on the exact same day. This information fed my obsession in the most delicious way. I began thinking of her as not just a doppelgänger, but as an actual extension of me, like a walking mirror image. We had the same predilections, the same pet peeves, the same style of distracted, quasiformal, slightly awkward communication. In my mind she was my alter ego, which, of course, made her exceedingly interesting to For as long as Lucy dated Cass, I kept him as my side piece. I would induce him to make and then break dates with her in favor of being with me. He was complicit through most of it—he knew that I was using him to mess with her. When he started feeling pangs of conscience, I broke it o with him. I waited until he focused all his attention on Lucy again, waited until she got her hopes up that he had turned over a new leaf, then called him up again. I told him we were meant for each other and I was just testing his resolve. I had no respect for him. Lucy was just as bad in her own way. She had no sense of keeping personal things private, particularly with people like me who would use that information against her. I felt like she must have been emotionally damaged. It was almost farce, like a campy vampire movie where the love interest/victim is always traipsing along giving herself paper cuts, or tripping and scraping a knee, or cutting her nger while chopping onions, that sort of a thing. And if it wasn’t Lucy telling me things herself, it was her well-intentioned friends. It was such a head trip. Sometimes I wondered if I was being punked, because things could not have gone more perfectly for me. The thing that kept it all interesting was that I was genuinely fond of Lucy, smitten even. Her Pollyanna attitude was captivating. I almost wanted to be sincere back to her, almost wanted to be a true friend. There were so many interesting psychological angles going on, at least in my own mind, such that even the most mundane of conversations was absolutely thrilling to me. Just thinking about it makes me salivate. In fact, after a while, I began to avoid Lucy. She became a dessert too rich, too painfully pleasurable. Lucy gave me a stomachache, so I made Cass break it off with her for good. And this is what I mean about ruining people being relatively harmless. What did I actually do to Lucy? Nothing. From Lucy’s perspective, here is what happened: She grabbed a boy and kissed him at a party. She liked this boy and they saw each other a couple times a week after that, sometimes with his creepy friend (me). After a while, it didn’t work out. The end. I didn’t ruin anything about her, really. She’s married now, has a good job. The worst thing I did was propagate a romance that she believed was sincere but was actually staged (as best as I could manage) to break her heart. And that’s the thing. I don’t just manipulate others; I manipulate myself. I mess with my own emotions as much as I try to mess with other people’s. In fact, in enacting the ruination of others, I concoct elaborate psychological fantasies that may or may not be happening. And the thought of the possibilities is often enough to satisfy me. Someone once suggested that I expand my emotional horizons by taking MDMA, the pure ingredient in the drug ecstasy. I told him that it was an interesting idea, but that I sort of already manipulate myself into feeling other emotions via lm, music, and art, and I wasn’t sure if it would be all that different. I love music. There’s no doubt that music is manipulative, as is lm (possibly because of the music in it). The whole purpose of music seems to be to evoke some feeling or sensation in the audience, if you let yourself get caught up in the experience. I have found that it can be a good way to learn about other people, allowing me to experience emotions the way other people experience them or the way the composer or lyricist experienced them. Music is like a drug in some ways because it forces me to feel something di erent from what I usually feel; it’s an arti cial entrée into an alternative sensuality. When I studied music in school, I even liked being critiqued, to get detailed judges’ sheets back after a competition. I liked that these people were compelled to pay meticulous and thoughtful attention to me and my performance; it hardly mattered whether they liked it or not. As I have grown older, music has played a di erent role in my life, o ering an avenue of human interaction with other musicians that is devoid of guile or arti ce. The connection between performing musicians is mediated by sounds and instruments— musical acts in time—rather than words or facial cues. Playing music provides me with a level of pleasure and enrichment that I rarely feel when interacting with people in any other way. It also o ers a means of avoiding casual social interaction with nonmusicians, since I can set up shop at a piano at almost any social function that has one. It is such a relief to see them in the corners of hotel lobbies or old-timey bars. The truth is that I hate small talk. I care even less than most people about your eightmonth-old baby making all of his developmental milestones or your trip last month to Colorado. And it is even worse for me because when I am forced to engage in small talk, I feel compelled to excel at it—smiling, nodding, and coming up with clever and complimentary anecdotes. But with music, I know that the impression I make on others while playing the piano is much more e ective than what I could manage on my most impressive day of banter. Receding to the edges of parties becomes introspective rather than antisocial, artistic rather than awkward. It is sometimes easier to beguile without speaking. There is something about music that is so mystifying and alluring, and performing it is one of the very few acts of self-involvement that is universally perceived as generosity. I often wish I could just passively watch people without being expected to participate myself, like television. I actually do spend a lot of time in front of the television for this reason, and I am pretty undiscriminating in what I will watch. I like the closed universes and conventional plot devices of television series, knowing that there is nothing for me to do but to passively watch what happens, having no stake in the outcome. I nd it easier to identify with characters in movies and books than with people in real life. In movies, you can watch and analyze people freely and without detection. In books, you can listen in on their inner thoughts, take the time to contemplate them, and listen in again if you are so compelled. I have learned more about people from books, television, and movies than I ever have in real life. I have enjoyed people more that way, too. People mistakenly assume that because sociopaths don’t empathize, they don’t have emotions. I’ve never heard of a sociopath not having emotions. I do think that sociopath emotions are frequently shallow and stunted, childlike even, but how many people do you know who are emotionally stunted and are not sociopaths? If I didn’t have emotions, how would I be so good at playing the emotions of others? And what are emotions anyway? They’re at least partially contextual. They at least partially originate from the stories we tell ourselves. If you have “butter ies in your stomach,” you could be nervous or excited depending on your interpretation of your situation. And there are certain emotions that exist in some cultures that don’t necessarily exist in others, for instance the nostalgic saudades in Brazil or the intense aspects of shame in Japan. Are emotions just an interpretation of the body’s evolutionary ght-or- ight reactions? Are emotions only releases of adrenaline that we interpret as anxiety? Or endorphins that we interpret as satisfaction or pleasure? One theory of why we dream suggests that dreams are the result of the brain trying to interpret external stimuli during sleep. For instance, if we are cold, we imagine that we are walking through snow. Our subconscious concocts a story to explain things we are sensing during our sleep—trying desperately to make random and incomplete sensory inputs t into whatever ctional scenario we have literally dreamed up. Are our emotions the same? Are we just interpreting sensory inputs, making up explanations that support the stories we tell ourselves? But as much as I want to believe that everyone else lives in a collective delusion, I know that love exists. In his tragic narrative poem “Lara,” Lord Byron wrote a semiautobiographical narrative of a wayward count, describing him thus: Tis true, with other men their path he walk’d, And like the rest in seeming did and talk’d, Nor outraged Reason’s rules by flaw nor start, His madness was not of the head, but heart. I’ve always known that my heart is a little blacker and colder than most people’s. Maybe that’s why it’s so tempting to try to break other people’s. Chapter 8 LOVE ME NOT When I was eighteen years old, I was an exchange student in Brazil. There I was enthralled by a new way of thinking of love. Naturally, I saw love as something to be achieved, because achievement was the lens through which I viewed everything. This meant that my study of love would be a study in seduction. Watching the endless string of B-movies on Brazilian TV gave me a rough blueprint of what love was, and of course, I was a quick study. You really can learn almost all you need to know on television. Love is not a hard kind of con; it doesn’t require all that much subtlety. People are so starved for love that the usual manipulations really do work—the eeting touches, the vague statements of feeling and devotion, the powerful embraces as passionate in parting as in their initial entanglement. Any soap opera could show you that love is most tantalizing in its evanescence. Its nature is to shift constantly through states of being—condensing into dense beads of sweat on hot skin only to disappear into the air, thick with promises of something more, of something better simply because it has yet to come. Brazil was the perfect place to learn about love and touching. By the time I arrived there, I had forgotten—or never really knew—what it felt like to be touched tenderly. The sense memories of the kisses my mother must have given me in my childhood were eclipsed by the sensations of playground sticu s I regularly experienced as I grew older. But those knocks were replaced in my adolescence by the constancy of hardly ever being touched at all. And I didn’t like any extreme shows of emotion—not the stumbling, ogre arms of my grandparents reaching out to wrap me up in their oldperson auras, nor the ugly contortions of anger or sadness or incipient tears that would regularly crumple the faces of my family members through our various sagas of dysfunction. It felt like people were manipulating or even bullying me to react in some way of which I was uncertain, as if they were pushing me to the edge of an emotional precipice. I rarely jumped. That was the life I had left behind. But thousands of miles away from home, touching and physical displays of emotion were a part of the intrigue of love. And love was such a thrill—a page turner—that I knew I wanted to play. Brazilians kissed and embraced upon every meeting and departure. They played with each other’s feelings like it was nothing or everything at once, at turns feigning sympathetic outrage or passionate emotional bruising. Their hips were sexually possessed: At the time, a popular dance was hitting the clubs of Rio called the bottle dance, in which a woman or man would gyrate over an open beer bottle placed on the oor. Sensuality was everywhere. I was not prepared for the three-year-olds I would see dancing the samba in the middle of the street on workday afternoons. Brazilians were beautiful or very ugly in interesting ways. The young people were shiny, slender, and exible, like willow switches in shades of pale amber and dark co ee. The old and the in rm were wretchedly dehydrated, hardened in the heels of their feet and in their lower backs like petri ed wood. There was a smile, or a hint of a smile, or a memory of a smile on every face I encountered. Set against such apparent despair and abject squalor, you could not help but notice a strong corporeality in the way people lived that you simply do not see in the States. Bodies—and the stu of bodies—so saturated every molecule around you that oftentimes you felt like you were living in a baroque fantasy, except that instead of Italian marble you got tons of haphazardly poured cement, and instead of St. Theresa in ecstasy you had seminaked strangers copulating in the street. It was a wonder that people did not cry or laugh or scream or sing all day and all at once. Part of the freedom of Brazil, besides knowing or being accountable to hardly anyone, was being immersed in a culture of ambiguities. There were not white or black people, but people of varying shades from so many generations of mixed race and ethnicity that you could not de ne them if you tried. I came across many transgendered people, who de ed the gender norms and conventions by which I had so long felt entrapped. Some people had penises and breasts; some had neither. Having either/or was not a condition of being human. As a person who felt ambivalent about her gender, I felt kinship with these people. They offered me possibilities that I had hitherto not considered. I had never seen such an array of human life, and it made me interested in people in a new way. Brazilians were much more than just mirrors for me to try on di erent personas in front of, as everyone else had been back at home. They were so di erent from me, viewed the world through such a foreign lens and daily engaged in such strange behaviors, that I was forced to put away the lazy, naïve thought that I had already learned all there was to know about people. They were their own species and I was a scientist embarking on a mission to discover their secrets. The most beautiful people were always the ones who seemed happiest and most satis ed with their lives. And the most attractive ones were the ones who carried around with them a cushion of humor and goodwill, so that the particles in the air around them oated a little lighter and danced with a little more joy than anywhere else. I wanted to be like this. I understood so much, and I practiced a lot. I was in a place lled with people I would never have to see again, so I could do whatever I wanted without any real consequences. It’s why American students abroad are often so well liked (girls) and so despised (boys). I could hardly be blamed. In the cultura de car, I was young and unattached and therefore expected to share my body with other young people as part of a communion of bodies, a celebration of sexuality and sensuality and intimacy. At the end of the night, individuals would become couples locked in deep, exploring kisses, and I was one of them. I learned all kinds of things in these experiments—how to suck on a person’s tongue, how to let your own tongue be licked and sucked, how to tickle the roof of a person’s mouth so that it is almost irresistible for them not to lap up more of you. I came to understand kissing as a conversation. Sometimes, it can be small talk or playful banter between goodwilled strangers. Other times, it feels like you are forging an intimate connection with another human being, reaching as far as you can inside them. I treated love like it was something to be mastered, like becoming uent in Portuguese. Just as I developed my language skills, I devised milestones and challenges for seduction. I would go to clubs with goals in mind, testing how close I could get to a person without saying a single word, or how frustrated I could make them without touching. I practiced on sweet high school boys and jaded exchange students, old men and transvestites. The rst person I kissed was a man in drag. He was magni cent, his body bronze from glitter and paint. He wore a golden, ornate breastplate and thong, and there were vibrantly colored feathers and gemstones in his long, black hair. It was natural for me to want to touch his red-stained lips with mine, to be attracted by his peacock con dence because it made me want to take possession of him. It was like winning a prize or a trophy, and an uncommon one, like me. In my short life I had not met a man so magni cently adorned. I imagined him in a tiny, run-down apartment, carefully orchestrating his appearance by placing each rhinestone just so, applying each shade of eye shadow to complement the others. My attraction had nothing to do with his masculinity or femininity—it was his attention to beauty that screamed for appreciation. There was a kind of seamless courage in him that I admired and a trembling vulnerability that I wanted to exploit. Perhaps in some way, I envied his ability to embrace his strangeness and to display it to the world, or even to know what and who he was in order to do so. I did not have this ownership of myself, not yet. Outwardly I was all con dence and openness; inwardly I was spiteful and lonely and unaware of how to relate to the world. I wanted so much to be good but only knew how to appear that way by being bad. I knew no other way to live but to dissemble and to violate. So in kissing him, I momentarily captured his earnest e ort, his honest beauty, the phantasmagoria made human by his mere existence in the world. All that good intention and energy cast out into the world —I wanted to taste it in my mouth and swallow as much as I could. It wasn’t the kind of possession that needed to be enduring. I only wanted a moment with him, to gain the feeling that I could understand or comprehend him in a certain physical way. It would not have mattered to me in the slightest if he had dropped dead the moment we stopped kissing. If a gang of teenagers had appeared that night to kick in his organs and slash his throat, I would have stood by to watch in order to enjoy the enthralling violence of it. If I had not been a young girl with a future to lose, I might have joined them so that I too could feel the satisfaction of his bones cracking and muscles bruising from my blows, these human parts I had caressed only moments ago. After that rst drag queen, I moved on to others, practicing physical a ection with strangers so that I could use what I learned to cultivate emotional love with my few acquaintances. I could not even experience a kiss without making it contribute to some kind of agenda I formulated having to do with gaining power over other people. I was a calculating, ruthless animal, after all. I now realized that love and sex had everything to do with the kinetic energy that I had admired and tried to understand in my drag queen. All I had ever read or heard or saw (not least of which were the soap operas and movies I watched day in and day out) told me that love could not be bad, that it made everything worthwhile, that it was the greatest thing in the world. And sex, though it had so long been stained in my mind with the bad, I now understood was a vital part of love. It wasn’t just the stu of perverts and male oppression, but a means of singular connection. And all of this, wonderfully, was a means to awesome, delicious, euphoric power—for which I had a knack. Formulated in this way, the pleasure I had in the manipulation and exploitation of others—the principal stu that made my life worthwhile—could be described in a narrative of love. What could be more redemptive and human than this? It was such an amazing discovery. I found that I had spent almost two decades overlooking a vital entry point into the inner worlds of other people—the universal Achilles’ heel. I nally understood what it meant to kill people with kindness. People are so hungry for love; they die a little every day for want of it—for want of touch and acceptance. And to become someone’s narcotic I found immensely satisfying. Love was an addiction for me too. I loved being adored; I loved to admire. I did not understand why people didn’t rip their hearts out and shout declarations of love in the streets, why they did not write pages and pages of love letters every day. It was so easy. It cost me nothing and gave me such thrilling satisfaction. The deeper I went with my love interests, the more they relied on me for their daily happiness, and the drunker I became with power. I generated their smiles and sighs, as if fashioning their moods from clay—I did this to them! The ecstasy of that thought was incredible. I discovered that you could love almost anyone, really, and make them your reason for living at least for a time—whether it is an evening or a week or a few weeks. It wasn’t just that you could have more power over someone through love than through any other means, but you could have access to more parts of them. There were more levers to pull and buttons to push, endless modalities. I could bring relief to pain of which I was the direct and sole cause. I thought nothing of deceiving or manipulating them. My love interests disappeared from my thoughts immediately upon my return to the United States. Back home, I had to do a few things. I didn’t want to have what I learned in Brazil corrupted by contrary American sensibilities. I wanted to expand and deepen my Brazilian operations, including trying to form relationships with real people in my life. I realized I had thus far been blind. I had unknowingly denied myself the pleasures of really leaping into and consuming the emotional inner worlds of others. Why did I ever think that it was su cient simply to make people do things for me when I could make them want to do things for me? Now that my eyes and mind were opened, I wanted to keep them open forever. Love was the newest thing to add to the long list of things I wanted to be so good at that people would cry. I did become pretty good at it. But when you are back in your home country, you can’t start shoving your tongue into the mouth of every person you come across, especially when you attend a religious university with strict rules about that kind of stu . On the flip side, however, because everyone around me was starved for sex, people were almost too easy to snare, especially the boys. I remember a date with one especially innocent boy. He had all-American quarterback good looks—a dimpled wide smile showing straight rows of white teeth and u y blond hair bleached by the sun. After a movie, we sat in my car for a long time, because he wanted an invitation into my apartment and for access to my body (in particular, my breasts). It was long past the university-imposed curfew and against several moral code rules, and I had no real interest in him. About fteen minutes into the date, I’d known that I had him, so I was really only going along for the ride, taking the opportunity to observe him and therefore collect information for later use. I was in it more for the chase, and he was too sick a gazelle to provide any real challenge. As he sat there across from me, I wondered what he fantasized about in the shower and what kinds of girls he’d kissed. He was almost too generic, like he was acting out youthful boyish nervousness for a television show. With people like that, you’ve got to wonder if they have inner lives at all, or if the extent of their consciousness ends when the television writers shut off the office lights and go home. I unsettled him. He couldn’t understand why I was so con dent or why he was so attracted to me. On the surface of things, I was nothing special. I wasn’t particularly striking, nor did I have any real popularity to speak of; I in fact was odd enough that I could see its of doubt utter across the surface of his skin as he tried to decide if he even regarded me as a worthwhile person. With his traditional good looks, he could have attracted the attention and a ections of many a blond coed, his female counterparts, so the fact that he felt so disarmed by me bred a lot of insecurity in him. Just like the junior associate version of me had Jane, the nineteen-year-old me could have had the all-American quarterback if I’d wanted him. I could have made him do my homework, buy me things, and marry me. But I didn’t want him. That night outside my apartment, after a long while of patiently humoring him, I began to wish he would get out of my car so that I could go home to sleep. He tried to contact me many times after that date, but it was too late for him. He had already vanished from my thoughts halfway through the night. That’s the trouble with seduction as a game played for the thrill of it. You can innocently go about seducing people, even enjoy the attention and a ection for a time, and then suddenly, when you’re ready to move on, you’re left with this dependent besotted person who can hardly stand to live without you. Typically when I set out to seduce someone, I cut the target loose as soon as I know I have won. My rationale is to treat it like sport fishing: the fun is in catching the fish, not in gutting, cleaning, and cooking the sh afterward, so why not throw the sh back to be caught another day? I try to cultivate a persona that makes seduction easy. People are attracted to my con dence, but the thing that really hooks people is how I don’t seem like anyone else they’ve ever met, and in deliciously exotic ways. My accent is unplaceable. I am darker than most white people, but not in a way that would clearly indicate “other.” My natural style is androgynous, but I don’t care to have my clothing re ect my personality too closely so I rarely choose it myself. Consequently I frequently wear the soft, owing dresses and structured heels that are more my friend’s taste, a fashion-forward woman who is happy to select most of my clothing. Underneath the lush material, it’s clear that I am rm, even muscular. I have remarkably beautiful breasts. But I have always been acutely sensitive to the beauty of things—in bodies and faces, and in numbers and landscapes and logic, too. Pleasure to me is paramount and I am always looking for new sources of it. The pleasure of a seduction conquest lies in both the physical satisfaction and the mental challenge of completely occupying a space in a person’s mind until it’s yours, like a squatter. The one caveat is, you may nd that the space you’re occupying is more trouble than it’s worth. When I met Morgan, I didn’t know she would be so much trouble. She had the same name as me, which constituted 90 percent of my interest in her at the beginning. It amused me to think that I could be making love with myself. She was a senior trial attorney in an o ce in which I was very junior, and her apparent abilities, as viewed from a casual distance, were pretty sexy. The rst time we actually had a conversation was when we ran into each other leaving the o ce early on a Friday afternoon, like being caught red-handed by someone you know could never tell on you without revealing her own misdeed. I knew we would take the elevator together, then walk through our building’s maze of halls for at least ve minutes more, and then walk in the same direction toward the parking garage. Because I had already begun to admire her, I was a little nervous making so much small talk. I had nothing to worry about, because she instantly shared her life story with me in the time it took to get to our cars. I just listened. It’s amazing how much more e ective listening is in seduction than anything else. It helped that her life had been tantalizing in a way that fed into my desire to know people’s vulnerabilities—abusive relationships, crimes, gender identity disorder, and so on. The infatuation between us quickly became mutual. Mine was rmly rooted in my own narcissism and a desire to exploit the weaknesses in someone I had initially admired, hers in an apparent attraction to people who enjoyed hurting her. I’ve never had someone react so strongly to me as Morgan. Her growing attachment to me even warped her appearance. Her once- rm jaw began to appear weakly skeletal, and her steady brown eyes now itted about in avoidance of mine, hesitant to rest on any one thing. I think her hair even began to fall out. It was puzzling because she had seemed such a strong and con dent person in doing her job, facing judges, juries, and some pretty tough lawyers with self-possession. Morgan had a social power at work of which I wanted to have a piece, and in particular, an outsider’s hard-won respect that I in many ways wanted to emulate. At rst, I really relished the power I had over her. I got sick from enjoyment every time I noticed a crack in her voice or a nonsensical sentence escape from her lips. In those moments my breath would catch, my eyes half-lidded. My pleasure in her discomfort was very visceral, my tongue instinctively running over the jagged edges of my teeth the same way one might salivate and even become overwhelmed a little at the smell of a succulent slab of meat. I think I ran away with it a little. Morgan couldn’t recover. I was winning by too great a margin for her to remain interested in playing the game. I tried to alleviate her nervousness in the same way you’d try to calm an overexcited animal or child—making slow movements, explaining what you are doing, assuring her that there’s nothing to worry about and no harm will come. There was a certain amount of condescension in it, an active e ort to shame her into seeing how ridiculous it was to be scared of little ole me. The whole thing was a lot of work. I made things worse by getting increasingly disgusted by how weak and afraid she was. One afternoon, she canceled her dinner plans with me, and I could see that it was for no other reason than that I made her nervous. I sat in her o ce, staring at her with motionless judgment, unable to let myself let her o the hook. It was too satisfying for me to feed her masochism. I pushed the shame tactic too hard, and she stopped speaking to me. I can’t remember what in particular I did that ended it. Maybe I implied that she was worthless and teased her about the poor quality of her skin. I was genuinely surprised that she wanted to end things, but I shouldn’t have been—I had inadvertently made it more appealing to forfeit than to surrender. I knew I had only one chance to get her back, so I let things cool o for a couple of months before I sent her a seemingly heartfelt but factually insincere e-mail confessing my love and apologies. The apologies were profuse but vague, so that she could apply them to whatever thing she perceived I had done to wrong her. The love was dripping with honey-hued a rmation. I named all the things that I admired about her, or rather, the things that she hoped to have admired. I was sure to include confessions of my own “vulnerabilities,” that I thought about her every day—though I thought about her almost every day as a lost object I needed to reclaim. In the e-mail, I said that I loved her several times and made sure to use the past tense, because I wanted her to feel regret for something she didn’t even know she had. There isn’t anything more crushing than lost love, and there are few more compelling motives than to recapture it. Because she never knew I loved her, and because I didn’t, she never even got to savor it. At the end, I threw in a few mild recriminations disguised as insecurities (she made me feel abandoned and bereft) and suggestions that things would be di erent were we to reunite (though I claimed I had no reason to believe or hope that we would). It was an effective e-mail. A few weeks later, I heard back from her. She had received my e-mail while on an island vacation with a new girlfriend, the arrival and discussion of which precipitated a minor spat and then a breakup. It gave me satisfaction to know that thoughts of me plagued her while she lay on the beach with her lover. When she came back, we took up again. Her self-devouring weakness hadn’t gone away but seemed to have grown exponentially. She wanted more and more hurt from me, and because I was su ciently disgusted with her and wanted to oblige her wishes, I was happy to deliver. After a few months we drifted apart. Morgan quit or was red from her job and fell into an abyss of eating disorders and substance abuse. I was shocked by how quickly she fell from excelling in her career as a successful trial attorney to jobless dysfunction—it was really only a matter of months. It’s a wonder that she’s still alive. I cannot take all of the credit for this extreme decline. It was inevitable in her life, due to her desire to be abused. She has almost managed to kill herself so many times you would think she would have succeeded by now if she really set her mind to it. But I guess if she died she would lose any further opportunities to su er, and the prospect of experiencing more vast and varying shades of pain is what keeps her alive. I guess that made our relationship mutually positive: She wanted to be hurt and I liked to hurt and watch her sink further into depravity. I was only sated when she hit absolute bottom. I still see her sometimes, but the thrill of the chase disappeared a long time ago. I never loved her of course, but she loves me in her twisted way. I made her believe that I understood needs and desires that she had kept hidden from most everyone else out of fear and shame, that I looked at everything about her and wasn’t scared of what I found. It’s true that I did. People always say to be careful not to confuse sex and love, but I think they should be more wary of confusing love and understanding. I can read every word of your soul, become deeply engrossed in the study of it until I’ve comprehended every nuance and detail. But then when I’m done, I’ll discard it as easily as if it were a newspaper, shaking my head at how the ink has stained my ngers gray. My desire to know every layer of you isn’t feigned, but interest isn’t love, and I make no promises of forever. Perhaps I do every so often, but you have no business believing me. One of the manifestations of sociopathy in me is an ambivalence in regards to sex and sexual orientation. Sociopaths are unusually impressionable, very exible with their own sense of self. Because we don’t have a rigid self-image or worldview, we don’t observe social norms, we don’t have a moral compass, and we have a uid de nition of right and wrong. We can also be shape-shifters, smooth-talking and charming. We do not have an established default position on anything. We do not have anything that we would call conviction. This extends, at least in some degree, to our sexuality. Indeed, the characteristic of asexuality or sexual ambiguity is noted as one of the symptoms of sociopathy under many of the diagnostic criteria. For example, Cleckley’s criteria for psychopathy include sex lives that are “impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated.” I would say that this accurately describes mine. But I feel pretty okay about it. A friend tells me that what she dislikes the most about my religious values is the ban on premarital sex. Of course I still manage to do a lot of things, but she worries that because sex is so much fun, it’s a shame for me to be missing out on any of it. She’s a deeply emotional person, though, and I am not at all. I can’t help but think the emotional component of sex for her is what makes it so great, whereas the emotional connection I have from physical intimacy is roughly the same as I have while eating junk food (cheeseburgers are great, too!). This is true even when I am in a serious relationship. And because it’s that way with me, being physical with someone is pretty fun, but it doesn’t mean anything to me in the way it means things to other people, and it never leads to tears (for me). This is also why seduction for me is more about the chase and less about the final act. My lovers, if you can call them that, can sometimes be put o by this nonchalant attitude. I am shockingly comfortable with my body, which I think is a turn-on for a lot of people. I try not to be too reckless, but my indiscretion with things like nude photos must seem unusual since I’m neither a stupid teenager nor a drug-addled stripper. But then again, I have always related better to people who feel they have nothing to lose. Once it becomes clear that I just have no sense of shame or emotional attachment to physical intimacy, though, I suspect I just seem damaged, in the way of teenagers and strippers, or women with sexual hang-ups or abuse in their background. If anything, you would think that my religious beliefs would have encouraged me to think of sex as a special communion of souls, rather than the emotional equivalent of a massage. My cavalier attitude toward sex extends to my choice of gender in partners. I was not always sexually attracted to women. I was always open to it, always was attracted to certain people for their strength or for their unique worldview, but I didn’t feel much of a sexual pull to members of my own sex—not at rst. As an adult I realized that there was such pleasure to be had in expanding my horizons, so to speak, and certainly no point in making ne distinctions based on the equipment people were born with. So I trained myself. I started incorporating members of the same sex into my fantasies, substituting women for men gradually more and more until I could have a completely same-sex fantasy. Now same-sex attraction is second nature to me, and I am very satisfied with the expansion of my opportunities. As a sociopath, I feel I have no particular sexual identity. Even the term bisexual is misleading as it implies some sort of preference. I think equal opportunity is a more apt label in that I see no reason to discriminate. In fact, I like to think of the sociopath as the bonobo of the human world—engaging in frequent, casual, utilitarian sex. I believe that ambiguous sexuality is one of the best identifying traits of a sociopath. In fact, early in its history as a psychological disorder, sociopathy was thought to be connected to homosexuality or other “abnormal” sexual behaviors. The original Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), released by the American Psychiatric Association in 1952, listed homosexuality as a sociopathic personality disturbance. By the second DSM, the link between sociopathy and homosexuality was abandoned, and homosexuality was removed completely as a mental disorder from the third DSM. In later editions of his book, Cleckley criticized this early association of psychopathy with homosexuality, arguing that homosexual tendencies, “though of course occurring in psychopaths, are not su ciently common to be regarded as characteristic.” However, he also acknowledged that “[t]he real homosexual seeking an outlet for his own impulses often nds it possible to engage the psychopath in deviated activities, sometimes for petty rewards, sometimes for what might best be called just the hell of it.” Cleckley related several stories of sociopaths engaged in homosexual acts, like Anna, and the story of this wealthy young scion, for whom “any idea that he might be a homosexual seemed absurd”: In the absence of any persistent or powerful urge in this speci c direction, the patient, apparently without much previous thought, hit upon the notion of picking up four Negro men who worked in the fields not far from his residence. In a locality where the Ku Klux Klan (and its well-known attitudes) at the time enjoyed a good deal of popularity, this intelligent and in some respects distinguished young man showed no compunction about taking from the eld these unwashed laborers, whom he concealed in the back of a pickup truck, with him into a well-known place of amorous rendezvous. At the place he chose, “tourists’ cabins” were discreetly set up in such a way that women brought by men to them for familiar purposes could enter without the possible embarrassment of being identi ed by the management. Despite these facilities suspicion arose, and the patient was surprised by the man in charge of the resort while in the process of carrying out fellatio on his four companions. He had chosen to take the oral role. Upon being confronted with his crime, the young man laughed it o , remarking, “boys will be boys.” Even though ambiguous sexuality doesn’t appear in any of the diagnostic criteria, I nd it is much more useful as a litmus test for sociopathy than some of the more publicized traits. I have met many sociopaths, in person and from my blog, who all seem to swing both (or any number of) ways: anarchist ex-cons acquitted on a technicality; big macho, married black guys; ruthless Asian American entrepreneurs; fellow academics; impoverished soldiers. In fact, I can’t think of a single sociopath I have met in person or online who has denied having same-sex experiences. This leads me to believe that this is one of sociopathy’s most consistently present traits. In fact, I rely on it more than any other one trait in making my own opinion about who is and is not a sociopath. Surprisingly, there are a good number of sociopath wannabes who frequent my blog. I guess it is because sociopaths are often portrayed as ruthless, e cient, and powerful— all desirable attributes to a great number of people both ordinary and deviant. Visitors to my blog sometimes write to me asking whether I think they are sociopathic. I often probe the sexuality issue. I make fun of them a bit. Maybe I ask them how many samesex partners they have had, as if I was just waiting to insult them. If they turn squeamish or defensive, I usually discount all of the other evidence indicating that they are sociopathic. Usually a sociopath wouldn’t be o ended about a challenge to his masculinity or her femininity, since he or she isn’t particularly invested in the cultural norms that draw bright lines around gender roles. Sexual ambidexterity, although not indicated often in clinical literature, is frequently a feature of ctional sociopaths. The very talented Tom Ripley is bisexual, as is the Joker from Batman (depending on who writes him). Real-life examples of murderous bisexuals are Leopold and Loeb, lovers famous for attempting to adopt the Nietzschean concept of Übermensch morality in committing the senseless murder of a young boy, immortalized in the Hitchcock thriller Rope. Fictional depictions of vampires, those allegorical sociopaths, often contain prominent allusions to a exible sexuality, with lesbian vampires being so common that it is almost canonical for mythic vampirism. An interesting example of a celebrity whose sex life seems to t the sociopathic mold is Sir Laurence Olivier, who, although married three times, also had many male interests. One of his male lovers explained: “He’s like a blank page and he’ll be whatever you want him to be. He’ll wait for you to give him a cue, and then he’ll try to be that sort of person.” Olivier may not have been a sociopath, but he illustrates well how a person with a weak sense of self, fully occupied with the stunningly accurate enactment of many other selves, could himself have an amorphous sexual identity. So it was easy to want to seduce Morgan, who resembled me enough that she could have been a role I had played in another life. But although I love myself, I would never have considered the possibility of loving Morgan. She was always a target for me. Seduction is about reminding myself of my own desirability, not about increasing my acquisitions. It is the fuel I feed my own self-love. I see relationships with people in terms of possessions or exploits. Like the Greeks and their many words for love, I have my own brand of feelings and behaviors for both groups. The former is typically reserved for my family or people whom I call friends. For these people—possessions—I have a sensation of ownership. Also gratitude. The latter—exploits—is for my seduction or other romantic interests. Seduction has traditionally been an all-or-nothing endeavor; at least I can’t really control it. Seductions are like wildfires: I only get to choose the beginnings and then they take on a life of their own or ame out. So I don’t typically do them with people I hope to keep around for longer than a few months. For the exploits, the pleasure is in gaining and exercising in uence over them. I am never infatuated with my possessions, but I am with my exploits. And I can feel possessive of my exploits. I pursue them because they give me a thrill. Will I win them over? What might that look like? Success is valuable only to the extent that it is evidence of my power. As one blog reader said, “There really is nothing more amusing or exciting or fun than turning a smart, beautiful, resourceful person into a personal plaything.” It is a game, but I am not necessarily interested in the spoils so much as the maneuvering. The distinction is well illustrated by the literary character Estella, from Charles Dickens’s Great Expectations. Miss Havisham raises Estella to break men’s hearts in a form of vengeance for being jilted at the altar, and Estella willingly does so with everyone but the protagonist, Pip, who is in love with Estella. Pip notices that Estella does not actively attempt to seduce him like she does with other men. He complains, and she reprimands him: “Do you want me then,” said Estella, turning suddenly with a entrap you?” xed and serious, if not angry, look, “to deceive and “Do you deceive and entrap him, Estella?” “Yes, and many others—all of them but you.” Like Estella, I do not seduce my possessions because I don’t want to lose respect for them and because that would be unsustainable long-term. As one blog reader wrote: You nd it hard to not objectify people, however it’s important so you just try with a few people that understand who you are. All the rest of the people who don’t understand you are fools to you. I have had a few relationships that have begun as seductions and morphed into something more serious. My last boyfriend was like that, but due to the way the relationship started, he never could be satisfied that he knew the “real” me. Both possessions and exploits get to see a special side of me that I do not bother to show others. Sociopaths often have a genius for adoring. Not all sociopaths care to use their talents so generously, and even when they do they can be possessive and ckle— devoting themselves to a relationship as long as they feel in control or bene ted, but once they get bored or annoyed they’re gone. Still, when we’re trying, our understanding of your wants and needs matched with our charm and exible personality means that we can and will literally become the man or woman of your dreams. In fact, when I love, my rst step is to gather as much information as possible about every aspect of the person’s life in order to more closely resemble their ideal mate. As one blog reader noted, it can become an addiction: You know all their insecurities and you ful ll them. They become dependent upon you, because of it. They start feeling empty without you. They get captured in the moment. The closest analogue to a sociopath’s love is probably the love of a child: intense, accepting, sel sh. And nally, like a child, the sociopath will be extremely loyal. A sociopath will never put you above himself, but if you’re worth it to him he will readily put you above all others. I con rmed this with my friend, that with regard to being friends with a sociopath, “the pros outweigh the cons.” This is not to say that my loved ones do not know who I am; most of them know me intimately and are well aware of the particular attributes that set me apart from them and most of humanity. In fact, many of the people dearest to me are extreme empaths, individuals who—with full knowledge of the tiny blackness of my heart—cannot help but place their soft, fragile hearts in my care. I reciprocate with my own brand of acceptance and devotion. I’ve learned how to do the things that constitute being generous and kind. It’s the ones I love most who are able to see how hard I try. There’s nothing wrong with the way I approach romantic relationships, but there’s something not quite right about it either. But I guess it also depends on whom you ask. One night, I strangled my “date” in my car. We were returning from dinner, parked on the street outside of my apartment. It was late, and I remember the quiet darkness, punctuated by the brilliant headlights of passing cars. We had talked before about sexual domination, and so by then I felt I had implicit permission to bruise and strike, which is to say that I was reasonably certain that there would be no retaliation for my violence. But I had waited to act. Waited until the time was right, until that moment when I turned o the engine and hesitated. She had reached immediately for her door handle but stopped at my hesitation. I turned toward her and could see the question in her eyes; were we about to kiss? I slapped rst—hard across her face so that I could feel the memory of high, sharp cheekbone on the palm of my hand for several seconds afterward. I could see the shock ash across her face, then turn into fear, nally settling into a soft understanding, and then an open and hungry desire. She later told me that she did not feel out of control until I wrapped my hands around her neck and began to squeeze, because she knew that I was strong enough to really hurt or kill her. She said though that she trusted I wouldn’t hurt her and therefore felt adored. I wonder if this is the kind of thing that all masochistic empaths feel. If it is, a great number of people would live in silent dissatisfaction if there were no sociopaths to smack them around once in a while. She seemed to enjoy the experience even more than I did. Her neck is beautifully long, narrow, and muscular, and especially with her short hair, I could get my hands around it with amazing ease. I might have killed her if I thought there would have been no consequences, but there were a myriad of reasons for not hurting her that had nothing to do with my feelings of adoration, not least of which was her prohibiting me from doing it again. I wanted to do it again, and I would several times after that night. I have strong arms, but more important, strong fingers from years of musical training. They are adept at applying equal amounts of steadily increasing pressure, so that the sensation one has under their grasp is of an unstoppable mechanism without regard for the thing inside it. Erotic asphyxiation is such a sitcom punch line, but people shouldn’t knock it until they’ve tried it. The man I am currently seeing chokes me from time to time. It causes a sensation of even, measured pressure—a kind of touch that is full, solid, and constant. A gradual lightheadedness descends, uttering sensations emerge from your depths to float up to your surfaces, and there is something like euphoria. Dating him helps me to appear normal and socially well adjusted. He is of average height and has a respectable middle-class profession. He is handsome and well built, because I would never stand to have someone with whom I am so intimately associated be otherwise. Also, I enjoy his beauty immensely. His smile appears almost as sincere as mine, and he carries himself with a physical strength and self-competence similar to that which I have always admired in myself. We see each other several days a week, and whenever we go out, he opens doors and pays for meals and does all of the things that a gentleman would do for his lady. In a lot of ways he looks and speaks and behaves like many of the men I have dated in the past, because I chose them to serve the same function in my life. I do not love him the way that he loves me, but that is not to say that I do not or cannot love him in my way, or that I did not love some of the men who came before him. For the most part, I treat him with kindness and generosity. I occasionally have liaisons with men or women outside of my principal relationship. Not all of the time or as a matter of course but just when a person happens into my life whom I feel a desire to possess. I do not view these relationships as cheating, but I keep them a secret anyway to avoid drama. In my mind, any extracurricular activities would be classi ed as exploits, not possessions, so there’s no concern that I’ll become emotionally attached. Because they’re by their nature temporary, I don’t feel like my paramours need concern themselves with them. I understand that not everyone feels this way about relationships, so I just keep quiet. And in return for their devotion, I provide my romantic partners something they can’t seem to get from anyone else; to see a person’s hidden need and to answer it must be some form of public service. In return, they give me whatever I want—attention, adoration, money, good advice, the pleasure of their body, access to more potential targets (their friends and family), or even just someone to carry bulk food items from my car into my apartment. It’s not quite an even quid pro quo, but remarkably, no one has seemed to mind too much. My rst memory of using someone who was romantically interested in me is from kindergarten. I gained the acquaintance of a Mexican-national kid who spoke almost no English. He had a very serious crush on me and expressed his devotion through daily gifts. My favorite gifts were shiny, decorative pencils that could be purchased out of a machine for twenty-five cents. After he presumably ran out of quarters, he would give me little Matchbox race cars that must have come from his own toy stash. I would give them to my brothers in exchange for favors or the more desirable items out of their lunch bags. It had been weeks of this when my brother Jim told me that I should tell the Mexican kid I didn’t like him, but I didn’t see why. What kindness would that have been? I would likely lose the steady supply of toy cars and pencils and whatever else he had in store for me. And he would lose whatever mysterious thing it was that he got from me, the hope of reciprocal love or the opportunity to admire me—it was not at all clear to me. Either way, I liked his love. I liked being loved, just like anyone else. I get something different out of everyone I am involved with, and I have a remarkable tolerance for people’s idiosyncrasies. Many years later, in the twilight of my highpowered job, I met a man whose devotion reminded me of the Mexican-national kid. He was beautiful—chiseled body and features with penetrating blue eyes and short blond curls swept forward like there should have been a laurel wreath framing them. He lived with his brother in a one-bedroom apartment with two twin beds, Ernie-and-Bert style, and had been unemployed for approximately six years. At every meal every day he ate two plain cheeseburgers from the McDonald’s half a block away from his brother’s apartment. As a result, or so he guessed, his hair was falling out, so that when we made out it would regularly end up in my mouth. He spent his days playing rst-person shooter games and listening to action movie soundtracks. He liked that I wasn’t put o by his quirks, although I did once tell him that there were only so many times I could listen to a complete summary of the plot of K-PAX. I sent him a book on confronting life with Asperger’s. He had never been diagnosed, although he readily accepted my armchair diagnosis. To me it was obvious. He would talk about his frustration that relationships were “not logical or patterned” and that it would be impossible to see all of love’s “angles and perimeters.” In some ways he was my damaged twin, and that’s why I had hoped that it would work out. Like the Mexican boy, he wore his heart on his sleeve. Unlike with the Mexican boy, I was willing to consider the possibility of a long-term relationship with him. He satis ed all of my criteria: beautiful, easygoing, nonjudgmental, malleable. But he was needy, demanding. I needed him to accept me and my needs the way I accepted him and his. Even after I was o cially unemployed and didn’t have much going on, I still thought he wanted too much of my time. It was such a small point of contention, but it made all the di erence in terms of keeping me happy. And I really wanted to be happy with him. He was the rst person I dated seriously after fully embracing the sociopathic label. I’d had so many relationships recently fail and I wanted to believe that I could make a relationship work if I really wanted it. But I had no clue how to go about a sincere romantic relationship. I nally decided that maybe the best way for us to understand each other was to speak our common language of rationality. I explained to him that our incentives for spending time together were misaligned. He had nothing going on in his life so he always wanted to spend time together. I didn’t feel the same way. In order for him to see my perspective on the value of my time, I told him that he should spend one hour doing something he wouldn’t otherwise do for every hour he spent with me. I even took the time to devise an eighty-item list of optional activities, which included reading speci c books I had selected for him, taking up photography, or listening to NPR. I didn’t really want him to do those things, I just wanted him to see my point of view, which was that my time was roughly twice as valuable as his. I was surprised that he didn’t take my o er. In retrospect, I gather that his feelings were hurt by my spreadsheet. I guess I had hoped that, as a high-functioning autistic, he would regard it as an e ort at saving the relationship rather than an insult to his personhood. I had hoped that the trade-o to dating an Aspie was that his feelings would not be the veritable mine eld that empaths’ emotions are. I had hoped that I would be able to have the stable relationship with him that I had been unable to nd with empaths. I still wonder whether it is possible to have a normal, long-term relationship with someone. Will I ever be married? For longer than a few years? It seems like all I ever end up with is a string of bad breakups. I am terrible about breaking up with people. Once I lose interest in someone, I usually prefer to string them along until they leave me alone of their own accord. I would rather have the inconvenience of this than the possibility of an emotional scene. I don’t really understand when people get emotional about things, and I can’t stand it when people cry in response to something I have said or done. I feel like it is such a cheap shot, particularly since if they know me at all, they should understand that I am not going to be able to deal with those emotions. It’s like expecting someone con ned to a wheelchair to walk up the stairs, or maybe being mad at your child for not being the gender you wanted him or her to be. As one of my blog readers put it, “All emotionally stunted people get frustrated with overly emotional people. It’s like being yelled at in a language you don’t understand.” In fact, one of the only sure re ways to make me upset/angry is to cry when in a confrontation with me. So, because I want to avoid the loss of control and damage that can be done when I am upset or angry, along with wanting generally to avoid unnecessary unpleasantness, I try to avoid an emotionally charged dissolution to a relationship. Most psychologists think that sociopaths cannot love, but that theory seems silly to me. Just because it is a di erent kind of love, more calculating and self-aware, doesn’t negate its existence. This misconception springs from some illusion that the capacity to love is a form of goodness—that one’s love constitutes an unadulterated gift that arises out of selflessness rather than selfishness. But I do not believe this is true. For example, most people do not have children for the bene t of those children. You cannot give to that which does not exist—that which would never risk torture, illness, or heartache had you not brought it into being. But when I see my sister unable to resist smiling in the company of her shiny-blond, rosy-cheeked toddler, I can imagine no greater love. I, too, am overrun with feelings of love for this tiny, just-formed being, knowing that there are genetic landscapes written into my heart that make it so. She’s endlessly charming to me. Her mere existence in the world pulls chemical levers and pushes enzymatic buttons that produce in me immense joy. Generosity and a ection are simply its symptoms and side e ects. Evolutionary biologists have long puzzled over the adaptation for love and its attendant expressions of generosity and kindness, theorizing that altruism ensures the survival of genes through one’s kin. So-called inclusive tness theory basically holds that you are willing to be altruistic to another person in proportion to the advantage it will give your own genes in survival. In other words, you share half of your genes with your siblings, so you should be more willing to help them than, say, your cousin or even your nephew. This theory, however, has lately been the subject of much controversy, as some scientists have begun to challenge the theory on the basis that the math doesn’t add up. Still, for whatever reason it pleases me to promote my niece’s existence. It behooves me to give to her whatever I can to induce pleasure in her, which infects me with a glittering, light- lled happiness. Mirth, ecstasy, whatever you want to call it. We all want this for ourselves. Sociopaths, too. When I was in my early twenties, I learned to love a girl named Ann who had beautiful eyes and soft overgrown hair that covered her face. She was a musician. She played one of those unpopular nerdy instruments that never garner any glory or fame, but she played it beautifully. For a time in my life, my skin crawled and my body ached when I was away from her for any stretch of time: a few hours of not being able to lazily brush my ngers against her skin, a weekend of not feeling her even breath in my presence—unbearable. I felt like she was the rst person who really saw me, and that allowed me to trust her in a way that I had never managed to trust a person before. We met on a music tour together, but she didn’t pay much attention to me until she noticed me messing with a damaged person in the group—another musician, with red hair, moderate skill, and clear psychological problems. Ann wasn’t mad, only curious. To me that was a sign that she was susceptible to me—reacting with curiosity where most would react with judgment. I asked her why we weren’t friends, knowing she would appreciate directness as a sign of honesty and courage. She was charmed. “There’s no reason why we aren’t friends.” We spent the next three and a half weeks together. This was in the midst of my ostracization, when the other students in my program had decided to have nothing to do with me after I had read that girl’s diary. I hadn’t realized how lonely I had been, how much I missed connecting with other people. I tried to be around her as much as I could, so much so that her friends got concerned, asking her if I was bothering her, wondering why such a good person as herself would allow such a bad person as me to keep her acquaintance. When we rode on buses together for long trips, I would sleep with my head in her lap. It was such peace. It was as if I had found a port in a storm that had been raging for so long I did not know what it felt like to sail in fair weather or to touch my feet on solid, unshaking ground. From the comfort of land, I could see how wet and cold I had been, how bereft of human contact, how sick—and I never wanted to be those things again. I cannot describe those rst days and weeks with Ann without feeling an acute pain. Loneliness is never as awful as its immediate aftermath, because at the time, you are so occupied with enduring it that you can’t bear to comprehend its awfulness. Ann saw me as a broken thing, a thing to be xed. And in a lot of ways, she did x me. She taught me that there were more sustainable ways of meeting my needs and that self-control was a prerequisite to them. Before her, I had been so impulsive. I used to just leave and hope things worked out. I walked in front of cars to make them stop. I traveled with no money. I hit people. Things often didn’t work out. Watching Ann live her life, I realized that it was okay to consider the future—that living without thought of it ensured nothing but discomfort. And I wondered why I had lived in discomfort for so long. Part of it was that Ann sold me on forever. She said we would always love each other and that she would make sure of it. I had never heard anyone speak so certainly about something so inherently uncertain. I didn’t believe her, but she saw my thoughts and replied, “No, I mean it. Even if you killed my mother. I’m not saying that you should kill my mother, of course, because you really shouldn’t. But if you did kill my mother, I would be very angry and very sad, but I would still love you and I wouldn’t leave you.” It was so absurd that it seemed true. I trusted her, and I had never trusted anyone. Unlike anyone I had ever known, she told me she didn’t want to be shielded from my thoughts, listening for hours to my megalomaniacal rants about “ruining people” and other hobbies. It was so refreshing to not have to wear a mask, but I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. Part of me wanted to test her tolerance, maybe even prove her wrong about always loving me. I kept confessing sin after sin, but she never recoiled. I was so used to the opposite reaction from people. I had, in fact, just been severely socially sanctioned for something as small as stealing a diary. Ann didn’t think I was a monster for these things, or perhaps she did but professed her love to me anyway. She taught me how easy it is to give. I gave her as much as I could think to. I bought her boots and made her things to eat and drove her to the airport. I helped her move, rubbed her shoulders, and ran her errands. I nally understood the Mexican kid’s compulsion to give me shiny pencils or why people bother keeping pets. It was a kind of puppy love. I was a kid and she was a kid, and we believed kid things. We reveled in nding each other, because our respective abilities to detect the specialness in each other made each of us feel all the more special. Ann loved seeing the good in someone so very bad. She loved loving someone whom the whole world wrongly thought was undeserving. Her earnest willingness to listen and to try to understand my honest ill will made me think that I wasn’t able to hurt her, but of course I was. Once we were in the car when we fought about something I forget now, and she began to cry. I got so angry at her. She knew that I do not respond to such emotional cues like crying. I felt betrayed, and something in me turned o . I pulled over and told her to get out. I remember reaching over her to unlock and open her door, feeling the precariousness of the city in the draft of outside air. She screamed at me, “What is wrong with you?!” This wounded me. I thought she knew. “You’re going to leave your friend in the middle of a strange city?” she asked accusingly. I didn’t understand what had happened. I didn’t understand what she was saying to me, but I understood that there was judgment in her voice. She was deciding whether I was a good or a bad person, and leaning toward bad. This was something I thought she would never do to me. I realized, after all, that she was not so di erent from everyone else. I could have left her there and hoped that she, too, would leave me forever so that I could throw away all of the feelings she had made me feel. As I looked blankly into her tear-stained face and she gasped for breath through her sobs, her clothes disheveled, as if her wretchedness had seeped into their fibers, it would have been easy to let her go. “No, of course not. Can you close that door?” And she did. I saw that I could hurt her, that she had to be taken care of if she were to continue loving me. But I saw something else. That she was just like everyone else made her crossing the divide to my corner of the world all the more valuable to me. It was not until then that I began to regard Ann as a person, a human being, rather than just a thing that healed me. And if she was just a person, then maybe there were many other people whom I could learn to relate to as well as I did with Ann. After I nished college, I went to live with Ann in the Midwest, a place that seemed so characterless it was as if it had been fashioned out of cardboard. My parents had kicked me out of the house. I don’t know why really, but I suspect that they thought I was a bad in uence on my younger siblings—I had not yet achieved my current level of selfcontrol and at that point in my life most of my interactions were dripping with raw antagonism. I had given up pursuing music seriously, so I spent my days doing odd jobs. During this time I met a very sweet boy. His speaking voice was at least an octave lower than any other voice I had heard in my life, quietly rumbling below the din. Ann and I had an old dingy couch in our apartment, a dull rose color made duller by dust and wear. When I sat with him on it, his voice would vibrate through the cushions onto the skin on my back, touching me in an oddly corporeal way. I would have loved him less, maybe, if not for his voice. It was a sound that made me tremble. In many ways I responded to him the way that I responded to music, asking him only to ful ll me with the nuances and complexities speci c to his medium. He was a working-class boy. His sturdy military build combined with a fair-haired, blue-eyed innocence fed into common American delusions about the honor and purity of soldiers ghting for God and country. He had never gone to college or learned very much in school. He wasn’t smart and couldn’t understand math or law or any of the things that I had spent so much of my life learning. But one night the power went out in our neighborhood, leaving us in the pitch-black. I don’t remember if he kissed me or if I kissed him, but we kissed each other in the dark. I was very happy then. I loved Ann because she understood me. And I loved him because I understood him. I could not have loved him if I had not found her rst, if she had not illuminated for me what it meant to love another person, to have a stake in their existence in the world. I went from him to Ann and back again, with my only goal in life to be happy and to make them happy. I was spoiled, to be exposed to love in this way, having all of my needs met by two people who didn’t believe in labels or boundaries for relationships. Neither of them expected anything that I was incapable of giving. Ann is married now and has several children. We grew up together, and the friendship that began so desperately evolved into one of trusted consistency. The boy left me. I no longer yearn for either of them, having long been accustomed to their absence to the point where it is di cult for me now to remember how it was to feel that way about anybody. But both relationships were immensely rewarding—rewarding enough for me to nally see that long-term relationships could be worth the special e ort I had to pay to cultivate and sustain them. Still, I am not used to long-term relationships. I still have not managed to keep a romantic relationship going for longer than eight months, which is a problem because I am supposed to get married. It’s not just about familial pressure. It’s a religious commandment, as important as getting baptized. I have known this and have kept it on my list of things to do. My parents don’t mention it really anymore. They got married at twenty and twenty-three respectively. They nd it hard to imagine someone well into her early thirties not having a family. My mother was twenty-six when she had me. I thought she was so old when she had my last sibling, a little caboose that came along when she was thirty-seven. There have been instances in which I would have said yes to marriage. The intelligent Mormon sociopath lawyer, the ruthless Mormon investment banker, the intelligent but gentle non-Mormon lawyer who is generously still footing the bill for his ex-girlfriend’s daughter’s private school. The beautiful Aspie. There was the midwestern boy whom I loved, I thought. It’s hard to remember now what that love felt like. I might marry the current man. He has that sort of ambiguous attractiveness that seen from certain angles is Hollywood dreamy and from others re ects the usual sag of aging. His best look is four days of scru , his hair a little longer than the high-and-tight he sports for his one weekend of National Guard service a month. (Military men are disproportionately attracted to me. Is it the perceived challenge? Or the promise of punishment if they aren’t diligent?) We met at church, of course. I wouldn’t preface him with intelligent, as I did my other hopefuls. He does not represent a source of genetic wealth to me, but I have also become less interested in raising a brood of supergeniuses. Even if I started now, I would probably only be able to eke out two or three children anyway, and so it’s not as important. He is clever, though, and handy. He is blue-collar in a middle-class way that seems to have gone extinct sometime in the late 1980s, the start of the diaspora of American manufacturing jobs. His hands are refreshingly rough in mine, in a way that most readers of this book will likely not have ever experienced. I like that we are from different classes, but it might bother him sometimes. Recently I have been thinking about the proper role of manipulation in a relationship. I have always said that everyone wants to be seduced. With this current relationship, I performed the seduction perfectly. To use a baseball analogy, it’s been my no-hitter. It was not easy and it was not always clear that it would turn out so well. (I almost think that, because I felt no expectations about the relationship, I felt no performance pressure, so I performed nearly perfectly.) I’d tell you about it, but like a baseball nohitter, the story of a perfect seduction is actually sort of boring. But now that I have a relationship that seems like it could last, and I am interested in exploring that option, do I keep seducing him? I have already gotten more real, more true to myself, as the relationship has progressed. I wonder if I should step back in and “ x,” seduce, or manipulate when the situation warrants it. But sometimes it back res: Some people would feel betrayed if they ever did nd out that they were being “managed,” and I tend to respect people less in proportion to the amount that I manipulate them. Mutual understanding, however, usually means the other person is getting better at pleasing me. It is not clear to me how this relationship management is di erent from what people mean when they say love takes work. Why are my seductions and manipulations in the service of maintaining our good relationship seen as betrayal, but all the marriage therapists and self-help books teach people how to better communicate or get what they want out of a relationship? And yet there is something di erent to my paramours. Somehow they can just sense it and it bothers them in ways they can’t quite name. And eventually they all decide that there is something a little off about me, and they leave. Love always nds ways to disappoint. Or I nd ways to disappoint love. You can kiss and touch and promise. You can give away all of your Matchbox cars and your metallic pencils, and it’s still not enough. At a point, there is nothing you can do to make someone love you, nothing you can do to make your love better or lasting, but you want it, search for it, and make every e ort to sustain it regardless. There was nothing Morgan could do once I was done with her. And there was nothing I could do with the boy whom I loved in the Midwest, who played with guns, built houses, and barely knew how to use a checkbook. I wanted to marry him and make babies with him. I wanted to sit next to him for as long as I could for the rest of my life. I had little desire to manipulate him, because he gave me everything I wanted without my trying to wrestle it from him. I did not seek power over him, because I had all the power I wanted. I think he loved me. And I had no desire to break his heart. But I think I still might have. Chapter 9 RAISING CAIN Though my dream of birthing a large brood of supergeniuses is no longer feasible, I still take seriously the Mormon doctrine to multiply and replenish the earth. I like children. They’re still guring out the world, so they don’t have many expectations of me, and I’m able to behave more authentically around them; I don’t have to work on keeping my mask up the way I do with adults. As much as anyone else, I like the idea of raising little people whom I could in uence and shape, though I rarely think of it in terms of producing “good” men and women. There will always be another generation of sociopaths. Children are being born every day with a genetic predisposition to feel no guilt, no remorse, no empathy. And is that really so bad? There is nothing keeping a young sociopath from being a great, high-achieving, functional member of society. I excel at many things, I have meaningful relationships with people, and I have a very full life. I also su ered a lot to get where I am, and most sociopaths have similar stories; as I was learning to manage my impulses and redirect my desires, I fought with family, alienated friends, and lost out on opportunities I should have pursued. Luckily for me, my parents managed to do a lot of things right in raising me, and I love them for that. It could have gone very badly, I think, and I appreciate the fact that it didn’t. To early sociopath researcher James Prichard, originator of the term “moral insanity,” no one was born evil; bad people were born good but cultivated in error in an unending cycle of well-intentioned human folly. And for decades, researchers thought that children were blank slates to be written on, for good or ill. But we’re now aware that these traits are likely encoded into people like me from birth. Knowing that I carry my sociopathy in my genes, I often think about the kind of child that I would have. Like pregnant women who have nightmares of birthing half-goat babies, I dream of nucleotide chains replicating into the future with indi erence. My genetic code will ensure that it lives on, sociopathy and all. I once visited Tulane medical school and their collection of fetuses and embryos, fty specimens in jars preserved in a milky yellow liquid, both the bodies and the means of their preservation relics from the nineteenth century. Approximately half of the specimens demonstrated normal gestational progression, but the other half represented abnormalities, the diagnoses for which were scrawled on yellowed, crinkly note cards— for example, encephalitis for one large-headed baby or ectrodactyly for one with lobsterclaw hands. Babies with no speci c diagnosis were labeled, simply, “monster.” Some were double-headed monsters or four-legged monsters, but miscellaneous monsters they were. John Steinbeck wrote of monsters in his novel East of Eden: I believe there are monsters born in the world to human parents. Some you can see, misshapen and horrible, with huge heads or tiny bodies … And just as there are physical monsters, can there not be mental or psychic monsters born? The face and body may be perfect, but if a twisted gene or a malformed egg can produce physical monsters, may not the same process produce a malformed soul? Steinbeck identifies the sociopath Cathy as such a monster. Of her, he writes: Some balance wheel was misweighed, some gear out of ratio. She was not like other people, never was from birth.… She made people uneasy but not so that they wanted to go away from her. Men and women wanted to inspect her, to be close to her, to try and nd what caused the disturbance she distributed so subtly. And since this had always been so, Cathy did not find it strange. I remember such inspections as a child—the reluctant attraction, the fascinated repulsion. It’s easy to question some of the parenting choices my own mother and father made, but I believe they took their newborn monster and did the best they could with her. They must have felt this simultaneous love and horror, even while I lay bundled in their arms. From the cradle to the grave, Cathy’s project was to exploit people, manipulate them and insinuate herself into their lives with the sole purpose of spreading poison, madness, and despair around her. I understand her impulse, and I’ve traveled on her road from time to time. But something in me has made other choices—love most paramount among them—that I imagine must be owed to my parents. My genetic heritage has made me question whether or not I should ever have children. I worry that they too will be monsters, regardless of how many legs or heads they will have when they are born. I worry that they will be like me, and I worry even more that they will not be like me. I don’t know how I could be an appropriate parent to an empathetic child, how I would be able to love and respect it. I have one sister, a tearful, hugging woman, whom I regard with a great deal of disdain. What would I do with a child that needed constant emotional suckling? Maybe I would just be distant—almost certainly, I would be bored. If I had a sociopathic child, though, I think I could do a good job rearing him or her. I believe my parents did a remarkably good job with me, whether they meant to or not. They set up an ongoing competition for love and scarce resources like time and money among their ve children, an active game with relatively straightforward, consistent rules and obvious consequences. They had clear favorites. In fact, on many a weekend afternoon, my siblings would stave o boredom by discussing the relative strengths and weaknesses of each sibling and how they corresponded with the a ections of our parents, e.g., Dad likes Scott because Scott will surf with him, but ultimately likes Jim better because Jim indulges his ights of fantasy. It was clear to all how Scott could move up in the rankings by, for instance, supporting my dad’s magical thinking—he just didn’t care to do so for whatever reason. I understood my parents’ favoritism as a clearly de ned meritocracy—a consistent system under which I could learn to operate. I bought into the game and actively participated because I felt like I could play well against my competitor siblings. I did not know all the rules or triggers, but I could learn them, and it was an ongoing challenge because I was not otherwise naturally inclined to care what my parents thought of me. My mother cleaved to the children who showed emotional and musical sensitivities that would encourage and a rm her own, while my father preferred the ones who exhibited innate intelligence su cient to recognize his intellect but not so great that they questioned his authority. I would always go sur ng and skiing with my dad because he would buy me the proper accoutrements—wetsuits, surfboards, surf racks, skis, boots, gloves, poles, and gas for my car—while my sister Kathleen was having to borrow dance shoes and scrounge rides from her friends. My mother always had dreams of our singing together like the Partridge Family, then later upgraded her dreams to a family jazz combo like the Marsalis family. My father always dreamed that we would be like the guitar-playing cool kids he used to envy in high school. I chose to play drums because it t both of their dreams perfectly, enough that they found the money to buy me a drum set while my sister had to stay home from camp for lack of funds. My parents weren’t consistent in terms of providing emotional or nancial support for me and my siblings, but their unremitting self-interest made them very predictable; this single vector dominated their every behavior toward us. Getting what we wanted was only a matter of how to appeal to their particular brands of selfinterest. The worst thing that my parents could have done (for me) was to behave in inconsistent ways, or to show us too much mercy. As a child, all I understood was cause and e ect. If I felt like I or my siblings could break the rules and still get away with it by crying on cue, then I would have done that instead of following them. I was as amenable to conditioning as laboratory rats, learning to push the levers that gave me treats and to stop pushing levers that yielded nothing. I think that sociopaths (particularly young ones) actually feel happier and thrive better in a world of clearly defined boundaries; when rules are consistently enforced, the child will just start to take them as a given. I certainly did. I think simple cause-ande ect rules with clear, predictable outcomes for compliance or violation encourage the young sociopath to think of life as an interesting puzzle that can be gamed. As long as the young sociopath believes that she can acquire some advantage through skillful planning and execution (and nds some level of success, which I feel is almost a given), she will stay committed to the structure of the game you have set up. It’s why sociopaths can be ruthless businessmen fiercely defending the principles of capitalism. My favorite teacher had an entirely meritocratic system in which we could opt out of class time. She had replaced a very popular teacher in our sixth-grade pre-algebra class midyear. I didn’t like the popular teacher; he had pandered too much to students and often played favorites. My new teacher initially struggled to gain the trust of the class. Pre-algebra was the most advanced math class for our grade and our school was in a particularly nice part of town, so everyone was very smart and entitled. The smartest and most demanding of the children (including me) complained that she was going too slow. In a creative solution, she started giving short quizzes in the rst ve minutes of class. If you received a perfect score on the quiz, you got to go outside on the grass patch just outside the classroom door and work on your homework instead of staying inside for the lecture. Every day I would arrive a few minutes before class, glancing through the material for the day so I could get a perfect score. Out of the eighty school days left in the year, I only had to stay in for a few lectures, typically due to some small arithmetic error. Those were always very di cult days for me, but I also understood that those were the rules and my teacher applied them exactly and without exception. It felt like a game, and it was a game I liked to play because I outplayed my classmates. The fact that sometimes I lost just meant that it was not an easy game. It was challenging enough to keep my attention and consistent enough to keep my trust. But if I were confronted with a system in which one lever might sometimes get a shock and sometimes get a treat, I would probably choose not to engage with the system at all, stealing my treats from the other rats instead. The worst thing that parents can do is to be inconsistent. It makes the child sociopath think that the game is rigged; in that case, it doesn’t matter what he does, except to the extent that he can out-cheat the cheater (typically the parent). Providing me a system de ned by clear incentives, my parents laid out a way for me to gain positive bene ts while exercising my sociopathic traits. I didn’t have to rely on the soft intangibles of empathy or emotion to get what I needed. In raising my child, it would be natural for me to follow in my parents’ incredibly selfinterested footsteps by only fostering those interests in my children that appealed to my own vanity. But there is predictability and honesty to this approach that I believe actually sets up children to thrive in the real world. And I think that children often prefer emotional detachment from adults in response to their tantrums as opposed to emotional coddling. There’s something reasonable and stable seeming about my emotionlessness to children. Especially when children are selfaware enough to acknowledge that there are emotions they can’t control (and I think most children are aware of this as soon as they begin acknowledging the emotional worlds of others). It’s very calming to have someone not reacting emotionally at all. My three-year-old niece had a meltdown in church the other day so I took her outside. I knew it was just because she was tired (all of her cousins had slept in the same room as part of a holiday weekend’s festivities), maybe a little overexcited with all of the activity and relatives, and maybe a little annoyed about the arrival of her new baby sister. So I just walked with her until she stopped crying, then sat on a curb playing with ants. I didn’t talk to her about her feelings or even mention the meltdown. When she got tired of the ants, she insisted we go back into church. I let her boss me around. It was a subtle sign to her that I still took her seriously, even after the tantrum. And then nally after we had settled ourselves into the pew again she asked me to scratch her back, after having acted aloof to me all weekend, and wanted me to go to her Sunday school class with her (I told her I was too tall to fit in the small chairs). I’ve discovered that children are aware that they are slaves to their emotions and are a little embarrassed about it the same way twelve-year-old boys are a little embarrassed about their erections. They can’t really control them and the last thing they want is more attention being drawn to it. Asking about erections is not good. Tears should have the same rule. Or maybe it’s just that the children in my family prefer emotional detachment because that’s more what they’re used to. Either way, the esteem and a ection that my nieces and nephews show me is perhaps proof that I wouldn’t be a horrible parent to an empath child after all. Or maybe I would have little sociopath children. Because of my own success as a sociopath, I know that if I had equally remorseless, unfeeling children they would have just as much a chance to thrive in life as other children, if provided with the right kind of structure and opportunities to learn how to succeed. They’d be ne. In Steinbeck’s description of the sociopath Cathy he explains that “just as a cripple may learn to utilize his lack so that he becomes more e ective in a limited eld than the uncrippled, so did Cathy, using her di erence, make a painful and bewildering stir in her world.” I know that any sociopath children of mine would be able to turn their weaknesses into strengths. I would hope that with the proper guidance they could use those strengths not to make a painful and bewildering stir, but for the bene t of their family and the greater world. My most salient worry would not be how they would treat the world, but how the world would treat them. Would they be outsiders or outcasts? I would hate for them to feel compelled to go underground, never to nd acceptance for who they are, to be regarded as hollow, unfinished people—or even the embodiment of evil. It’s hard to parse out the root causes of this disorder. What it would be to know what genes ip which chemical levers that set these subtlest of mental tendencies in early childhood into motion. How do these incipient chemical yearnings mature into fulledged sociopathy? Geneticists, neurologists, psychiatrists, psychologists, and criminologists are beginning to knit together, from bits and pieces of studies and observation, a complex portrait of a complex human experience. Budding sociopaths are often categorized as “callous-unemotional” by psychologists who are reluctant to diagnose children as sociopaths or psychopaths too early, feeling that applying that diagnostic label can unfairly a ect how the kids and their families are treated. The traits in children are very similar to those in adults: a distinct lack of a ect, empathy, and remorse. Callous-unemotional children don’t respond to the usual negative cues that teach most people how to behave well. Paul Frick, a psychologist at the University of New Orleans, says, “They don’t care if someone is mad at them. They don’t care if they hurt someone’s feelings. If they can get what they want without being cruel, that’s often easier, but at the end of the day, they’ll do whatever works best.” That was certainly my experience growing up. I had revelation after revelation that I could get more of what I wanted more easily if I learned how to accommodate the desires of other people. On the playground, you can keep a toy longer if another kid willingly gives it to you than if you take if from him; in high school, you win more popularity by tting in than by lording your superior intelligence over everyone; in the workplace, you advance more by making your supervisor look good to the boss than you do by undermining your supervisor. As one blog commenter put it: Having worked in major corporations for about 3 decades, I know that no matter how you choose to rise through the ranks, there have still got to be people higher who promote you, and they aren’t going to do it unless you bring value— to either themselves or the company. If all socios left nothing but a path of carnage and destruction along their career paths, do you think that’s hidden from those with the power to move them upward? Even I know that bene ting others in the short term is often what will benefit me most in the long term—just like any normal person. Despite sociopaths’ being largely ruled by impulses (or perhaps because they are), they are incredibly sensitive to incentive structures and actively consider both actual costs and opportunity costs in their decision-making. But there are certain consequences that I do not care as much about, particularly the moral judgment of others. I presumably feel this way because of the wiring of my brain. Magnetic resonance imaging on the brains of psychopathic adults has shown signi cant di erences in the size and density of regions of the brain associated with empathy and social values and active in moral decision-making. These areas are also critical for reinforcing positive outcomes and discouraging negative ones. In callous-unemotional children, negative feedback like a parent’s frown, a teacher’s chiding, or a friend’s yelp of pain may not register the way it would in a normal brain. The lack of interest in other people’s negative emotions could, interestingly, be a matter of attention. Researchers gave a group of callous-unemotional boys a visual test that measures unconscious emotional processing. They ashed a rapid sequence of pictures of faces—fearful, happy, disgusted, and neutral—and measured the boys’ preattentive, or unconscious, recognition of the meaning of the emotion behind the faces. When compared with normal kids, the boys were less able to quickly detect fear or disgust, indicating that these callous-unemotional kids are not automatically assimilating threatening or negative cues in their world. They are lacking a fundamental social skill that most other people are born with, and it a ects the way their whole emotional palette develops. A recent study came to the surprising conclusion that children with a certain variation of a gene that a ects brain serotonin are more likely to have these callous-unemotional traits if they are also raised poor. In contrast, kids with the same gene who had high socioeconomic status scored very low on sociopathic traits. The lead researcher on the study pointed out that although sociopathy is considered abnormal, these traits may be useful in certain circumstances. “For example, these folks tend to have less anxiety and are less prone to depression,” she said, qualities that might be useful in dangerous or unstable environments. It seems possible that kids in bad neighborhoods develop their inborn sociopathic traits as a defense mechanism against a chaotic and unpredictable world. But these kids aren’t doomed to a life of prison or misanthropy. Psychiatrist Lee Robins investigated the roots of sociopathy by conducting a series of cohort studies tracking children with behavioral problems into adulthood. She discovered two important facts. First, nearly every adult who t the criteria for sociopathy had been deeply antisocial as a child. And second, about 50 percent of the antisocial children who started in her study grew to be fairly normal adults. In other words, all sociopaths were antisocial children, but not all antisocial children become sociopaths. One has to wonder: Did some of those antisocial children simply grow up to be high-functioning, successful sociopaths who were then counted among the “fairly normal adults”? And if so, what in their childhoods made some children take one path, and the others another? The general consensus has held that sociopathy is an untreatable disorder, but as evidence mounts that the brain is more plastic, or changeable, than we thought, researchers are beginning to propose that young sociopaths might be susceptible to early intervention. Perhaps children can be trained to develop their vestigial sense of empathy or learn to react appropriately to the emotions of people around them. As any sociopath knows, people are hardwired to be aggressive and sel sh, but it turns out that most of us are also biologically programmed for basic human compassion. Even children from abusive, chaotic homes, the kind who are the most troublesome in school, can learn to listen to that whisper of empathy that seems to be hidden somewhere in them. A Canadian organization is sending mothers and young babies into classrooms to help schoolkids learn the basics of parenting skills. The students try to imagine what the baby is experiencing, so they practice “perspective-taking.” The children observe the baby on his stomach barely able to lift his own head and then attempt to understand the baby’s perspective by themselves lying on the oor on their stomachs trying to look up. Perspective-taking is the cognitive dimension of empathy, and one that is not familiar or automatic to many of these schoolchildren. A developmental psychologist who has studied the program attests to the larger successes of the program: “Do kids become more empathic and understanding? Do they become less aggressive and kinder to each other? The answer is yes and yes.” Or, as Paul Frick says regarding child sociopaths, “you can teach a child to recognize the e ects of their behavior.” Despite the genetic code written indelibly in our cells, the human mind is amazingly malleable and easily influenced by our experiences. I am very impressionable. I know that my genes might predispose me to the way I think and interact with the world, but I also take full responsibility for the amount of control I have over the rest. Every day I am in motion, sensitizing myself or desensitizing myself, constantly reshaping my brain, making and breaking habits, making myself more or less inclined to act or think a certain way. Everything I have done has changed me, for better or for worse. I didn’t realize this when I was a child. I’m lucky that I was raised in a very sheltered, devout religious home. We were not allowed to swear, not even damn or hell. We could not watch PG-13 movies until we were actually thirteen and we could never watch movies that were rated R. My father had a temper, but my parents never drank, did recreational drugs, or were otherwise out of their heads. My community was so conservative and predominantly born-again Christian that I suspect few of my friends in high school were sexually active—or if they were, I certainly wasn’t aware of it. It’s through experiences that normal-gened people can be desensitized to things like killing, and sociopathic-gened people can be sensitized to things like being aware of the needs of others. I was not desensitized to violence. If anything, I was sensitized to music. I learned to be quiet and to listen beyond the surface of things. I was sensitized to spirituality—I was taught to be self-re ective in prayer and other forms of worship. As a middle child and power broker, I cultivated an awareness of the needs of others. Like the children lying facedown on the oor attempting to see the world through a baby’s eyes, I was often forced to engage in perspective-taking focused on service and care for others. Even though my mind was not naturally directed to recognizing and responding to the needs of others, my parents, church leaders, and teachers actually did make a difference in making me acknowledge and address these issues. Not long ago, I read about a Mormon teenage girl who murdered a small child, luring her outside to play, strangling her to unconsciousness, and then slitting her throat to watch the blood drain away. After giving her victim a shallow burial, the girl went home to write in her journal of her breathless excitement and noted that she had to hurry o to church. At her trial, defense counsel demanded that the jury consider the di cult circumstances of the teenager’s childhood, characterized by parental abandonment and abuse. I am not violent. Despite having imagined it many times, I’ve never slit anyone’s throat. I wonder, though, if had I been raised in a less loving home, or a more abusive one, whether I would have also had blood on my hands. It often seems to me that these people who commit such heinous crimes—sociopath or empath—are not so much more damaged than everyone else, but that they seem to have less to lose. It’s easy to imagine an alternate universe in which a sixteen-year-old version of me would be handcu ed in an orange jumpsuit, on my way toward scheming for dominion over the juvenile prison population. If I had had no one to love or nothing to achieve, perhaps. It’s hard to say. A well-known recent example of nurture trumping nature is neuroscientist and University of California–Irvine professor James Fallon. Fallon specializes in studying the biological roots of behavior, and he is famous for his work with the distinctive brain scans of killers. While discussing his work at a family function, his mother told him that Lizzie Borden was a cousin of his. Startled by the revelation, he investigated and discovered that on one line of his family there were at least sixteen murderers—“a whole lineage of very violent people,” as he described it. He decided to check the brain scans and DNA of his family members for indications of sociopathy. He discovered that everyone was relatively normal, except for him—Fallon himself had the brain-scan signature of a killer as well as all of the genetic markers predisposing him to impulsivity, violence, and risky behavior. When he disclosed this information to his family, they were not surprised. “I knew there was always something o . It makes more sense now,” his son said. “Everything that you would want in a serial killer he has in a fundamental way.” His wife added, “It was surprising but it wasn’t surprising … he’s always had a stando sh part to him.” And Fallon, being honest with himself, admitted, “I have characteristics or traits, some of which are … psychopathic.” He gave the example of blowing o an aunt’s funeral. “I know something’s wrong, but I still don’t care.” Why didn’t he end up a killer? “It turns out that I had an unbelievably wonderful childhood”—he was doted on by his parents and surrounded by a loving family. For all these children like me, born with the monster genes of sociopathy, there are many paths to travel. The brain grows and changes in response to many in uences. “Brain research is showing us that neurogenesis can occur even into adulthood,” says psychologist Patricia Brennan of Emory University. “Biology isn’t destiny. There are many, many places you can intervene along that developmental pathway to change what’s happening in these children.” Rather than waiting for sociopaths to turn violent or criminal and become a burden on the justice system, it seems conceivable that if we notice unusually antisocial traits in a child at a young age, we could prevent them from turning into criminals by redirecting them to a more positive route, through warm and affectionate parenting, as one early study has hinted, or through targeted therapy. I would not, like James Fallon, describe my parents as doting. I rmly believe that they taught me the skills to manage my sociopathic traits in a productive way, but I also believe that the way I was raised brought those traits to the surface. My father’s facile sentimentality made me distrust excessive displays of emotion, and my mother’s inconsistent care led me to believe that love could not be depended on. Though I never suffered from trauma or abuse, my parents’ own quirks of personality shaped who I am. Over the last couple of decades, psychiatric researchers have identi ed a dozen or so gene variants that can increase a person’s vulnerability to mood or personality disorders like depression, anxiety, risk taking, and sociopathy, but only if the person su ered a traumatic or highly stressful childhood or life experience. Through complex “geneenvironment interactions,” it was believed that your “bad” genes could set you up for problems, and life events could then knock you down. Recently, however, a new hypothesis has emerged: These “bad” genes are not simple liabilities. In an unfavorable context, these genes can cause a person problems, but in a positive context, the same genes can enhance a person’s life. An article by David Dobbs in the Atlantic describes this theory as “a completely new way to think about genetics and human behavior. Risk becomes possibility; vulnerability becomes plasticity and responsiveness. It’s one of those simple ideas with big, spreading implications. Gene variants generally considered misfortunes … can instead now be understood as highly leveraged evolutionary bets, with both high risks and high potential rewards.… With a bad environment and poor parenting … children [with these genes] can end up depressed, drug-addicted, or in jail —but with the right environment and good parenting, they can grow up to be society’s most creative, successful, and happy people.” This theory matches up with what I’ve observed in my own upbringing, and that of other successful sociopaths I know and hear from on my blog. Our genes and childhoods may have made us sociopaths, but we’re not destined for lives of unfettered evil. Instead, with the right kind of care, children like us can learn to do great things—even if they never learn to fully empathize with others: I’m no world leader, but I do have a well-paying professional job in a Fortune 500 company rather than languishing in prison, so I guess you could say I am a successful sociopath. I’m as capable as anyone else of learning from mistakes. certainly never learned empathy, but I’m intelligent enough to learn rules and learn that breaking them often has consequences that are unpleasant. As to wanting to follow the rules, if following them bene ts me su ciently, then I’m fully capable of following them. If breaking them will bring consequences I don’t like, then I don’t break them. No empathy is involved, simply a logical examination of cause and effect. It is becoming increasingly clear that it is possible to be a sociopath and still be successful in normal society. Dr. Stephanie Mullins-Sweatt’s research into successful sociopaths con rms this, suggesting that a trait as simple as “conscientiousness” can make all of the difference between a successful and a criminal sociopath. I believe that sociopathic traits can be managed and even changed, particularly via early childhood intervention. This belief, although still not popular within the psychological community, is nally getting some traction. I believe that the existence of successful sociopaths suggests that this is true, that sociopaths are incredibly malleable and impressionable. Sociopaths are not in uenced in the same ways as empaths, but sociopaths are just as susceptible to their own range of outside in uence, perhaps even more susceptible. In research involving the propensity of toddlers to share, psychologist Ariel Knafo of the Hebrew University of Jerusalem has researchers spend an hour of quality time with the toddlers. During a snack break, the researcher brings out two bags of a popular peanut-butter- avored Israeli snack—Bambas. The youngster opens his pack to see the proper number of Bambas, twenty-four, but the researcher opens his to discover only three, to which he exclaims, “Mine has only three!” Some of the toddlers volunteer some of their own Bambas. Interestingly, the toddlers most likely to share are the toddlers who have a gene variant highly correlated with antisocial behavior in children. Leading researcher in child development Jay Belsky explains: “These genes aren’t about risk, it’s about a greater sensitivity to experience. If things go well for you when you’re young, the same genes that could have helped make a mess of you help to make you stronger and happier instead. It’s not vulnerability but responsiveness—for better or worse.” It’s this “for better or worse” aspect that is concerning when considering the possibility of raising a child genetically disposed to sociopathy. When I consider the possibility of having sociopath children and how I would raise them, I think the ideal situation would be for child sociopaths to be exposed to both a sociopathic parent or adult gure and an empathic person. An empathy role model is important for a sociopath in order to learn to respect how most of the world thinks. Steinbeck describes the origins of the sociopath Cathy’s mind-blindness to others: Nearly everyone in the world has appetites and impulses, trigger emotions, islands of sel shness, lusts just beneath the surface. And most people either hold such things in check or indulge them secretly. Cathy knew not only these impulses in others but how to use them for her own gain. It is quite possible that she did not believe in any other tendencies in humans, for while she was preternaturally alert in some directions she was completely blind in others. This description is particularly poignant for me because it provides a readily understood explanation for why Cathy cannot respect the inner worlds of others in a way that would allow her to check her antisocial behavior. All she sees are people’s frailties, which, when hidden from the outside world and only acknowledged and indulged in private, drive Cathy to conclude that people are gross hypocrites. She does not respect them, does not even consider their needs and wants worthy of her own consideration, largely because she cannot see the many ways in which empaths are worthy of her admiration and respect: “to a monster the norm is monstrous.” This is why I think it is so important for sociopathic children to be consistently exposed to a loving and admirable empathy gure, in order to realize that empaths are much more than the sum of their basest desires. A sociopathic child would need someone like my friend Ann, who, after I spent decades objectifying all other humans, nally got me to see that empaths were just like me, but different. And after I understood that basic fact, I was nally able to trust that things like “love” and “goodwill” were actual concepts that empaths felt and not just window dressing on lives lived in a collective delusion. I think that sociopathic children, like the schoolchildren who are learning empathy from babies, should be sensitized to the fact that there are others out there who are di erent from them, and in fact that most people are di erent from each other. I think most child sociopaths grow up thinking, rst, that everyone is like them, but just not as good or smart or skilled; later they think they’re entirely alone and no one else is like them. If children sociopaths grew up realizing that they were di erent, and more important, that other people are also di erent from each other, I think they could be taught to respect those di erences in a way that would make them uniquely sensitive to the needs of normal people. I also think a sociopath child should have a sociopath role model in his life. A fellow sociopath would help the child to know that he is not alone, that he is not a monster, “only a variation.” A sociopathic role model could help him guide some of his impulses into positive, pro-social activities. Children have legitimate needs and wants, and a sociopath role model might be able to address the special needs and wants of a sociopath child without alienating him with hints of moral repulsion. According to psychiatrist Liane Leedom, the author of Just Like His Father, the sociopath child’s needs must be acknowledged as legitimate but limited in socially acceptable ways through the use of redirecting the child’s attention to acceptable substitutes until the child can learn to meet his own needs “in a way that is productive rather than destructive.” It’s not a complete cure, but it is probably the best that can be hoped for. Who knows how children should be raised, really? In a New York Times Magazine article titled “How Do You Raise a Prodigy?” Andrew Solomon speaks of a prodigy as “a monster that violates the natural order,” who presents his parents with unique di culties as “bewildering and hazardous as a disability.” Parents fear that they might either fail to cultivate their child’s unique gifts or push too hard and break their child’s spirit. These parental anxieties are even greater when it comes to children who are labeled special or different. With the bene t of adult hindsight, I believe that my parents remarkably managed to strike a proper balance for me. I’ve hated them sometimes, but for the most part, I’ve loved them the way one loves the sky or the ocean or home. I recently read an interview with the virtuoso and former prodigy Lang Lang in which he described what it was like to grow up with a tyrannical father: “If my father had pressured me like this and I had not done well, it would have been child abuse, and I would be traumatized, maybe destroyed. He could have been less extreme, and we probably would have made it to the same place; you don’t have to sacri ce everything to be a musician. But we had the same goal. So since all the pressure helped me become a world-famous star musician, which I love being, I would say that, for me, it was in the end a wonderful way to grow up.” My hope for a sociopathic child would be that she might learn to leverage her gifts in order to achieve her own version of success—to nd a sustainable and joyful way to appreciate a world of in nite possibilities and realities. Sociopathy does not necessarily equal misanthropy. It hasn’t been that way for me, and I think my parents have had much to do with that, even if their methods seem draconian or aspects of their personalities seem harmful. They made me feel like there was a place for me in the world, and to me that made all the difference. Perhaps if we treat sociopathic children more like prodigies and less like monsters, they might direct their unique talents toward pro-social activities that reward and sustain society rather than to antisocial or parasitic behaviors. Perhaps if they feel like there is a place for them in the world, they would say, as one child prodigy did, “At rst, it felt lonely. Then you accept that, yes, you’re di erent from everyone else, but people will be your friends anyway.” Perhaps we could make the measured judgment that, even if we could, we wouldn’t want to train or love the sociopath out of them, because sociopaths are interesting people who make our world a more diverse, colorful place in ways that we can’t predict. EPILOGUE A reader of the blog wrote to me: Hello. I think I might be a sociopath, but I’m not sure. I don’t have a conscience per se, it’s more like a logical guide for what is right and wrong. Nothing turns my stomach, no type of immoral behavior enrages me unless I’m on the receiving end. All of my responses, even my “emotional” responses, are calculated and performed. I know I’m not the smartest person on the planet—VERY WELL, but I feel it. As far as my heart and soul are concerned, there is nobody smarter on this planet, even though the very mind in question knows that’s not the case. I use people when I can, so long as it doesn’t hurt them in the process. I’m not sure if that’s because I don’t want to hurt people or because I’d like to believe I’m not manipulative. Generally speaking, I don’t lie about anything except for my feelings. But I don’t go out of my way to hurt people. I actually go out of my way NOT to hurt people. Pretty much my entire life IS an act, and I don’t really know who I am … but I’m de nitely not normal, nor do I t all of the negative aspects of the sociopath stereotype. What does this sound like to you? I’m asking because as much as I’m able to make sense of the world around me, I cannot for the life of me make sense of myself. That is the one thing that my mind can’t penetrate. I can state facts about what I do, what I don’t do, my habits and tendencies, etc, but trying to form an opinion about myself is like walking through a minefield of self-deception and convenient stray thoughts. This kind of question is common. Many of the people who identify as sociopaths who read and post on the blog are self-diagnosed. There is little advantage to being formally labeled sociopathic by the psychological community, but I believe that a lot of selfunderstanding can come from deciding for yourself that the label ts you. Here is how I answer these people: You sound like a sociopath to me, but don’t be disheartened. I think you will nd that as you continue to learn more about your condition and yourself, the world will begin to seem very right. Self-deception is a classic denial symptom. Denying the sociopathic aspect of yourself distorts how you see others and impairs your judgment. It is important that you realize that you are di erent from others—this will help you to avoid hurting them. For instance, most people assume that everyone else is like them and project their own feelings and emotions on others, e.g., “I wouldn’t be o ended by that comment, so they shouldn’t be, either.” This is faulty thinking. What you think or feel has nothing to do with what most people think or feel. In fact, it is best to avoid all normative judgments in favor of descriptive ones. Normative judgments hide a million di erent biases and self-deceptions that will lead you astray. You are special. You are very smart, I am sure, but better than that, you think in a way that very few other people think. Your success at utilizing the intellect that you have likely lies in your ability to think outside of the box all the time. This is easy for you because you have never been inside the box—you don’t even know what it looks like. You can see things that no one else can because you have entirely di erent experiences coloring your clarity of vision—their blind spots are where you excel and vice versa. You seek answers. You seek logic and structure. You probably see behavior around you from empaths that you cannot explain. The explanation for their behavior is the most complicated and di cult thing for a sociopath to understand, but in seeking those answers you will learn much about yourself as well. You will also learn that just because we can manipulate others does not mean we choose to do so. Just because we can exploit does not mean we choose to do so. Sometimes you nd weaknesses that you do exploit, and sometimes you nd aws in society that you patch. Sociopathy includes both variants. Personal preference, upbringing, and life objectives can all in uence why we choose to do what we do. What makes you a sociopath is not that you choose to do certain things, but that you are presented with an entirely different set of choices than a neurotypical person. I would add that sociopaths are important to society because we are original thinkers. I like ingenuity; it’s probably the thing I admire most about humanity. Theo Jansen, the Dutch artist/sculptor/engineer responsible for Strandbeests (“beach animals”), gigantic moving sculptures made out of plastic piping that crawl along the Netherlands’ coasts, had this to say about the benefit to society of original thinkers: Mine is not a straight path like an engineer’s, it’s not A to B. I make a very curly road just by the restrictions of goals and materials. A real engineer would probably solve the problem di erently, maybe make an aluminum robot with motor and electric sensors and all that. But the solutions of engineers are often much alike. Everything we think can in principle be thought by someone else. The real ideas, as evolution shows, come about by chance. Sociopaths’ minds are very di erent from most people’s. Our brain structure is di erent: smaller amygdala (emotional center), poorer connections between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex (decision-making, inter alia), what has been described as “potholes” in our brains, and a longer and thinner corpus callosum separating the hemispheres of our brains. What that means is our thought is not as dominated by emotions, nor do emotions drive our decision-making, and we can transfer information between the hemispheres of our brains abnormally fast. In other words, give us a problem to think about and we will naturally process it in a di erent way than people with typical brains. How that plays out in the individual sociopath depends on a lot of di erent factors, but I have met sociopaths who have both the innocence of children gleefully hurling their bodies into ocean waves and the ruthlessness of single-minded predators under threat. There’s something sort of refreshing about our brutal approach to the world. And when we live in a world where “everything we think can in principle be thought by someone else,” it might be nice to be around someone who is an entirely different “someone else” than you are. I like who I am. I like that I am methodical, relentless, e cient, able to capitalize on any situation. I have friends, I value my family, I am a good colleague. Still, I often wonder what other things I may be missing out on in life. Love? Human understanding? Emotional intimacy? Do I experience those things in their fullness? Is my experience of these things a mere shadowy approximation of what is normal or a legitimate human experience in its own right? And if I have in any way chosen this life, have I chosen the better part? But what are the alternatives? I have sloppily used the term empath throughout this book to refer to nonsociopaths, but it is simply not true that every nonsociopath is empathetic. Some have suggested I use the term normal, but that is even less correct. The percentage of “normal” people in the population may be an actual minority (i.e., less than 50 percent). Sometimes I think people talk about sociopaths being 1 to 4 percent of the population as if the other 96 to 99 percent are normal, maybe even the opposite of the sociopath. Maybe we believe that if sociopaths have low empathy, then everyone else has robust empathy? Maybe we believe that if sociopaths do not feel guilt, everyone else must? Maybe we believe that if sociopaths frequently engage in crime, then no one else does? The truth is many people are just assholes. You don’t have to be a sociopath to be an asshole, nor is a sociopath an asshole to all people all of the time. When I rst started writing about sociopathy on the blog, I hoped to help people realize that sociopaths are natural human variants. I thought at the time that the big challenge would be to try to showcase some of our strengths in a more positive light, to demonstrate that we are not as bad as people might think. Recently I have been thinking that the real problem is not in getting “normal” people to believe that we’re better than they think, but in getting them to see that the “normal” ones are actually worse than they believe themselves to be. Sometimes it seems that most people assume that they are that minority of “normal” people instead of thinking that they might also be a little bit “off.” Some people balk at saying that “normal” people might actually be in the minority: “How could the psychological world label half or more of us with a diagnosis?!” But so what if the majority of people qualify for a psychological label? Doesn’t that seem equally if not more probable than assuming that half of the people in the world are pretty much interchangeable in terms of brain and emotional functioning? It is convenient to de ne normal as whatever you happen to be. No need to confront the possibility that maybe you aren’t as empathetic as you seem. Maybe your conscience doesn’t have quite the sway that you thought it did. Maybe you are both capable and incapable of much more than you had hoped. Maybe you have a lot more in common with sociopaths than you’d like to think. Maybe it is just one big long spectrum with only a few people at the extremes and the rest huddled closer to the middle. Some have derided self-diagnosed sociopaths as poseurs, clinging to the label as sanctuary from the disappointments of an average existence. Could it be that self-diagnosed sociopaths are just much more honest with themselves than the rest of you who claim, “That’s not sociopathic, everyone does that”? Could both be true, that acting a particular way could be both sociopathic and something that everyone does? Or that most people do? Speci cally, you—that you sometimes do those things? Does that make you normal, or me? I don’t mean to rede ne sociopathy as the new normal, and certainly not “better than normal.” Sociopaths are not a race of Übermenschen. We’re not out doing good among the populace—standing up for the disenfranchised when everyone else is too afraid— not often, at least, and never as a general rule. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always loved vigilante-justice movies, but I often root for the bad guy. Society labels the subversive a criminal or revolutionary, not him. He rarely needs to tell himself stories of moral justi cation in order to engage in his ourishes of elaborate violence. I know I’m not alone in my love of the villain. In him, we see freedom. Perhaps that is why the sociopath has loomed so large in our ctive spaces—Hannibal Lecter pulling Clarice’s strings from behind bars; the talented con artist Tom Ripley in ltrating and destroying the life of his wealthy beloved, Dickie; the perfectly coifed Patrick Bateman traipsing through yuppie New York soaked in blood, real or imagined. They constitute walking manifestations of overblown desire and destructive forces, characterized by the absence of limitations, whether it be empathy, guilt, or fear. Indeed, the most enduring of coldblooded villains, Dracula, is so limitless that he dissolves into mist. Historically, the diagnosis for sociopathy has in many ways served as an amalgam of miscellaneous reprobate traits, a depository for wayward, antisocial behavior from which its members can be identi ed and separated from everyone else. In the gothic vampire myth, the existence of the nocturnal creature can be explained, and thus contained, in the realm of the supernatural. In everyday life, however, explanations for the existence of the sociopath are much more elusive. I wonder if my story is disappointing to you for that reason—that I am not so much myth as man. I do not have secret stories about killing animals (opossum aside), or not that I remember. To the extent that this book is fatally awed because I do not have a criminal record or shocking or cruel enough examples of my sociopathy, it’s a aw that cannot be mended. Through my website, I’ve encountered all manner of individuals who exhibit symptoms of or identify as sociopaths or psychopaths—from Bonnie-and-Clydetype criminals to sensitive teenagers struggling with the di cult notions of empathy and human connection. Despite this heterogeneity, I think there are obvious and substantive differences between the sociopath and the average person. I have no problem exploring why I do the things I do, but there are no stories about how I am irredeemably depraved. I can only o er my thoughts about how any moral system that could lead to an adjudication of depravity is likely to be awed, and in ways that won’t be immediately obvious to those who have never dared question the foundations for their moral “feelings” about the world. As researcher in the ethics of forensic psychology Karen Franklin told NPR, criticizing the dominant conception of psychopathy: By foregrounding intrinsic evil, [the diagnosis of] psychopathy marginalizes social problems and excuses institutional failures at rehabilitation. We need not understand a criminal’s troubled past or environmental in uences. We need not reach out a hand to help him along a pathway to redemption. The psychopath is irredeemable, a dangerous outsider who must be contained or banished. Circular in its reasoning, psychopathy is nonetheless alluring in its simplicity. But sociopathy is not as simple as you have been led to believe. It is not a synonym for evil. Hearing people saying that we are irredeemable should give you great pause. I hope that you hesitate upon hearing the suggestion that sociopaths should have microchips implanted in their brains, or be institutionalized inde nitely, or be shipped o to an island somewhere, and remember that the history of man is marked by similar acts of hubris and cruelty. I remember once in law school doing research for a paper and reading an old statute criminalizing homosexuality. They’re easy enough to nd; some of them are still on the books in democratic countries. The state of Pennsylvania still has a prostitution law that nds it necessary to speci cally include “homosexual and other deviate sexual relations” (emphasis mine). What makes a sexual relation deviate? The dictionary de nes it as “departing signi cantly from usual or accepted standards.” Interestingly, I once read an old statute in law school that had two notable exceptions to criminal homosexuality: same-sex relations in prison and in the military. Presumably those same-sex relations are not “deviate” because “normal” people have historically done them—in the absence of females, what is a little dalliance between men? There is a similar double standard currently applied to sociopaths versus sociopathic behavior. Sociopaths are prone to violence, but empaths also commit gruesome acts of violence. Those acts are more excusable to juries as long as the empath shows “remorse.” Jurors can self-identify with those who show remorse because they too may have also committed varying degrees of heinous acts while caught up in the moment that they later anguished over, swearing that they wish it had never happened. It’s harder for most people to understand someone who, while recognizing that it was a “bad” thing, went ahead and did it anyway. It’s hard for me to not see this as a unique form of hypocrisy to which “normal” people are particularly susceptible when attempting to condemn the behavior of others. Interestingly, once you get people alone, you get a di erent result. A recent experiment suggests that when single judges sentence sociopaths for whom there is evidence of genetic predisposition to violence and crime, they give lighter sentences than they otherwise would for the reasons that you would expect—sociopaths are less culpable because of their genetic predisposition to committing crimes. As a group, though, people are only a few mental steps away from a sociopath witch-hunt. While only a minority thinks that homosexuality should be criminalized, people have few qualms about unequal treatment of those diagnosed as “sociopaths.” And so the majority goes on deciding what is “normal” and not, who is irredeemable or not, until one day you also get de ned as abnormal. But if I look a lot like you, maybe it is because I am. We really should be friends, because if I can be marginalized in a democratic society, so can you. And once you also become a victim of the state, who do you think will be spearheading the revolution? Probably people like me. One of my favorite parts about writing the blog is meeting strangers who are just like me, down to the most odd and intimate details. I want to accurately represent myself so that when they read the book, they will recognize themselves in my stories. I want to foster a sense of solidarity, a community of like-minded individuals who have a lot to learn from one another. In that way, writing this book has been calculated to achieve a particular e ect. It’s di cult, though, without having the reader in front of me, to predict whether I have created that desired e ect. Perhaps it’s like the di erence between performing a piece of music to make an audio recording versus performing in front of a live audience. I am unable to gauge the reactions of book readers; I’m blind in a way that I am not accustomed to being. Even on the blog people will comment that they love things I thought were borderline pedantic and hate things that I thought were insightful. That’s the true weakness with my manipulations, that I don’t understand and never will truly understand the way normal people think—not my closest friends and family members and certainly not strangers, sociopaths or not. I can’t test-run a particular passage on myself to gauge how others will feel. I only can extrapolate from what I’ve learned in past experiences with normal people to try to make general predictions about what will and will not be e ective. Writing the book is probably one of the most risky things I’ve done. On my blog I actively obscure my identity. Google hosts my Web page. My domain name registration is anonymous. I use gender-neutral pronouns to describe myself. I use Britishisms when I can remember to do so. I have noticed that other sociopaths do this as well—there are several whom I know to be Americans who internationalize their language and their cultural references, the result perhaps of their natural instincts to obscure and befuddle. It’s not enough to try to keep your personal information out of reach. One must also actively poison the well with disinformation. Only one person has come close to identifying me without my at least tacit permission. I learned a lot from that experience, and I cleaned up my act. I became more careful about who knew what about me and particularly paranoid about what personal information made it online, either under my persona as M.E. or my birth name. When I decided to write this book, I thought a lot about what that would mean for my public life, the life where I’m not known as M.E. In that life, particularly up until starting the blog, almost no one knew that I identi ed as a sociopath. At that time, even I didn’t care about attaching a label to myself. When I nally decided to accept it and started the blog, I told my immediate family and a couple friends. Since then I’ve averaged telling about one or two people per year—typically when I have needed their experienced advice in a particular area, about writing, search engine optimization, legal, etc. Or I’ve just been dying to let them know of some horribly great thing I just managed to pull o , like crushing a bully at work or seducing someone just to ruin them. It can be lonely not having anyone to share your exploits with. About a year ago my mom decided to be open about me with her own siblings. I think she was sort of proud of me and what I have managed to accomplish with my blog and the positive e ects on my life from all that self-introspection. There is a di erence between being out to people who love you and have various incentives to want to keep you safe, though, and being out to the world. I decided that if I were to write the book, I would want to be in a glass closet. I knew that I had to be more forthcoming than being totally anonymous; otherwise the book would have little legitimacy. Unless people believe my story, it will lose its e ectiveness in terms of educating people and advocating on behalf of myself and others like me. But I also have a separate life and career. I wonder, would I be red if my employers found this out about me? Not because I’m a bad employee or abusive to students, but just because of my diagnosis? If ever I were sent to jail, I could be denied parole solely based on a psychological pro le. Depending on what I was in prison for and what jurisdiction I was in, I could be imprisoned inde nitely. It’s a big deal. Although I’m not really planning on becoming a felon any time in the next two years, my level of impulsivity makes that always a very real possibility. Will my friends, employers, or future love interests be able to see past these propensities and judge me solely based on what I have actually done, not just what I am capable of doing? Or will they always be scared that I’m not as under control as I claim to be? And I have young children in my family. Maybe someday I will even have kids of my own. They share my name. This stigma could reach far past me to those innocents who never asked for it. I don’t mind being an advocate, but I have no desire to be famous. To the extent that the cause needs a face, I don’t mind being that face. I don’t even mind showing my face. I know that it helps people and personalizes my message. I am a real person. I have a name. I don’t even mind your knowing my name. I know that secrets are too enticing, so I don’t want there to be any secret. If you’re dying to know my real name, please write to me and I’ll tell you. My contact information is on my website. The only thing I ask in exchange is that you not disclose my name. Keep it to yourself. Let others nd out the same way you had to—directly from me, for themselves. I’m hoping that this way we can all get what we want. You can nd out anything you want to know about me, and my young relatives won’t have to grow up with people looking askance at them, wondering if they’re also genetically disposed to be monsters. Is it possible to remain in a glass closet in the information age? I’m actually curious to see if it works. Of course, it’s risky, but I have a pretty high tolerance for risk. If it does work, maybe I’ll write my next academic article on it. Most sociopaths want to hide their identity, but I don’t want to hide forever. My life’s goal is not to have to “pass.” I want everyone to know who I am. I want to live in the light. Right now it’s not safe, though. People don’t like sociopaths. There are books and Web pages devoted to detecting and avoiding sociopaths: Don’t talk to these people, don’t be around them, don’t let them ensnare you. I want people like me to know that they aren’t alone. And I want everyone else to know that I’m a natural human variant. I want to take o the mask, but not until I change the world to make it a safer place for me. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Many thanks to my agent, Emmanuelle Morgen, who saw a book where I had only a blog. To my genius friend, who did all of the heavy lifting. To my editor, Jenna Ciongoli, who was both in nitely patient and unyieldingly exact and without whom the book would be a fraction of what it is. To Lucinda Bartley, whose unparalleled brilliance managed to make it all happen and all worthwhile for me. To Domenica Alioto for pinch-hitting when I needed her most. To everyone at Crown who helped in countless ways: Penny the alchemist, Julie the slugger, Aja the ink slinger, and Matthew the law. To all of the visitors to my blog for their insight, support, and constant entertainment. To my loving family, without whom I would be nothing, and especially to my little relatives for reminding me to preserve a sense of wonder and openness in the world.
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Svete Brigite Švedske Proročanstva i Otkrivenja Kupite Objavama Svete Brigite Švedske na Lulu (488 Stranice) PRVA KNJIGA Kupite Objavama Svete Brigite Švedske na Lulu (488 Stranice) Riječi našega Gospodina Isusa Krista Njegovoj izabranoj i iskreno ljubljenoj nevjesti, svetoj Brigiti, o objavi svoga najsvetijeg Utjelovljenja, o odbijanju, oskvrnuću i napuštanju naše vjere i krštenja te o tome kako On poziva svoju ljubljenu nevjestu i sve kršćane da Ga vole. 1. poglavlje „Ja sam Stvoritelj neba i zemlje, jedan u Božanstvu s Ocem i Duhom Svetim. Ja sam onaj koji je govorio patrijarsima i prorocima i onaj kojeg su iščekivali. Zbog njihove žudnje i u skladu s Mojim obećanjem preuzeo sam tijelo bez grijeha i putenosti, ušavši u tijelo Djevice poput sunca što sja kroz najčišći dragulj. Kako svjetlost ne oštećuje staklo ulazeći u njega, tako ni Djevica nije izgubila djevičanstvo kad sam uzeo Ljudskost. Postao sam tijelom tako da se nisam morao odreći svojega Božanstva i nisam manje Bog – s Ocem i Duhom Svetim, vladajući i držeći sve stvari – iako sam bio u utrobi Djevice u svojoj ljudskoj naravi. Kao što se svjetlost nikad ne odvaja od vatre, jednako tako se ni Moje Božanstvo nikada nije odvojilo od Moje Ljudskosti, čak ni u smrti. Nakon toga dopustio sam da Moje čisto i bezgrešno tijelo bude izranjavano od glave do pete i bude raspeto za sve grijehe čovječanstva. To isto tijelo sada se nudi svakoga dana na oltaru kako bi Me čovječanstvo moglo više ljubiti i češće se spominjati Mojih velikih djela. Ali sada sam posve zaboravljen, zanemaren, prezren i protjeran poput kralja izbačenog iz vlastitog kraljevstva, na čije je mjesto izabran i čašćen najpokvareniji razbojnik. Svakako sam želio da Moje kraljevstvo bude unutar čovjeka i pravo je da Mu Ja budem kralj i Gospodin, jer Ja sam ga stvorio i otkupio. No on je prekinuo i oskvrnuo vjeru koju mi je obećao na svojem krštenju, prekršio i prezrivo odbio Moje zakone i zapovijedi koje sam mu odredio i otkrio. On voli svoju samovolju i odbija čuti Me. Štoviše, on uzvisuje najpokvarenijeg lopova, đavla, iznad Mene i iskazuje svoju vjeru njemu. Đavao je zaista lopov jer za sebe s pomoću zlih iskušenja, loših savjeta i lažnih obećanja krade ljudsku dušu koju sam Ja otkupio svojom krvlju. Ali on to ne čini jer je jači od Mene; jer Ja sam toliko moćan da mogu učiniti sve stvari jednom riječju i toliko pravedan da ne bih, čak ni kad bi to svi sveti tražili od mene, počinio ni najmanju stvar protiv pravde. No, budući da čovjek, kojem je dana slobodna volja, svojevoljno odbija Moje zapovijedi i pokorava se đavlu, onda je jedino pravo da iskusi njegovu tiraniju i zlobu. Ja sam đavla stvorio dobrim, ali je pao svojom vlastitom pokvarenom voljom, i takoreći, postao Moj sluga za izvršavanje kazne nad radnicima zla. Ipak, iako sam sada toliko prezren, Ja sam još uvijek toliko milosrdan da će se svakome tko moli za Moju milost i ponizi se u popravljanju, oprostiti njegovi grijesi, i Ja ću ga spasiti od zlog lopova – đavla. Ali one koji ustraju u preziranju Mene, posjetit ću sa svojom pravdom tako da će, oni koji ju čuju drhtati, i oni koji ju osjete reći: 'Jao nama što smo uopće začeti ili rođeni! Jao nama što smo izazvali Gospodara veličanstva do gnjeva!' Ali ti, Moja kćeri, koju sam izabrao za sebe i s kojom sada govorim u duhu: voli Me svim srcem svojim – ne onako kako voliš svog sina ili kćer ili roditelje, već više od ičega na svijetu – jer Ja, koji sam te stvorio, ne štedjeh nijedan od Mojih udova u patnji za tvoje dobro. I pored toga, toliko ljubim tvoju dušu da bih, kad bi to bilo moguće, radije dao da Me ponovno razapnu na križ nego da te izgubim. Ugledaj se u Moju poniznost: jer Ja, Kralj slave i anđela, bijah odjeven u ružne, bijedne dronjke i stajah gol uza stup, slušajući vlastitim ušima sve vrste uvreda i poruge. Uvijek podređuj svoju volju Mojoj, jer Moja Majka, tvoja Gospa, od početka do kraja nikada nije željela ništa osim onoga što sam Ja želio. Ako tako učiniš, tvoje će srce biti s Mojim srcem i bit će zapaljeno Mojom ljubavlju na isti način kao što svaka suha stvar brzo plane u dodiru s vatrom. Tvoja duša toliko će plamtjeti i biti ispunjena Mnome, i Ja ću biti u tebi, da će ti sve svjetovne stvari postati gorke, a sve tjelesne požude poput otrova. Počivat ćeš u Mojim božanskim rukama, gdje nema tjelesnih žudnji, već samo duhovno zadovoljstvo i radost koja će ispuniti ushićenu dušu srećom – u svojoj nutrini i izvana – tako da ne žudi ni za čim i ne misli ni o čemu osim o toj radosti koju ima. Zato voli samo Mene i imat ćeš sve što želiš, i to u izobilju. Nije li pisano po prorocima da se udovičino ulje nije potrošilo sve do dana kada je Gospodin poslao kišu na zemlju? Ja sam istinski prorok! Ako budeš vjerovala Mojim riječima, slijedila ih i ispunjavala, to ulje – radost i slavljenje – tebi se nikada neće potrošiti za cijelu vječnost.“ Riječi našega Gospodina Isusa Krista svojoj kćeri – koju je sada uzeo za svoju nevjestu – o pitanjima istinske vjere, o tome koje vrste uresa, oznaka i htijenja nevjesta mora imati kako bi udovoljila zaručniku. 2. poglavlje „Ja sam Stvoritelj neba i zemlje, i mora i svega što je u njima. Jedno sam s Ocem i Duhom Svetim – nisam poput bogova od kamenja niti bogova od zlata, kako je bilo u nekadašnjih ljudi, niti poput više bogova, kako su ljudi nekoć mislili, već jedan Bog: Otac i Sin i Duh Sveti, tri osobe, ali jedno u božanskoj naravi, Stvoritelj svega i ni od koga stvoren, nepromjenjiv i svemoguć, vječan - bez početka i kraja. Ja sam onaj koji je rođen od Djevice, bez gubitka svojega Božanstva, već stapajući Ga u svoju Ljudskost kako bih Ja, u jednoj osobi, mogao biti istinski Sin Božji i Sin Djevice. Ja sam onaj koji je visio na križu, koji je umro i bio pokopan, ali je Moje Božanstvo ostalo netaknuto. Iako sam umro u Ljudskosti i tijelu u kojem sam se Ja, jedini Sin, utjelovio, ipak sam živio u svojoj Božanskoj prirodi, bivajući jedan Bog zajedno s Ocem i Duhom Svetim. Isti sam onaj koji je ustao od mrtvih i uzašao na Nebo, i koji sada govori s tobom u Mojem Duhu. Izabrah tebe i uzeh te sebi kao svoju nevjestu kako bih ti pokazao putove svijeta i svoje božanske tajne, jer je takva Moja volja. Ti si također Moja s pravom, jer kada je tvoj suprug umro, ti si povjerila svu svoju volju u Moje ruke, i nakon njegove smrti razmišljala si i molila o tome kako bi trebala postati siromašna i odreći se svega radi Mene. Zbog toga, si ti po pravu Moja, zbog te tvoje velike ljubavi, i Ja ću se zato pobrinuti za tebe. Stoga te uzimam za svoju nevjestu i za Moje vlastito zadovoljstvo, kakvo dolikuje Bogu da ga ima sa čednom dušom. Dužnost je nevjeste biti spremna za vjenčanje kad zaručnik to odredi kako bi bila prikladno odjevena i čista. Bit ćeš čista ako ti misli uvijek budu na tvojim grijesima, na tome kako sam te pri krštenju očistio od Adamova grijeha i kako sam bio strpljiv i podupirao te kad bi pala u grijeh. Nevjesta bi trebala nositi i oznake svojega zaručnika na svojim grudima, što znači da bi trebala motriti i posvetiti pozornost na usluge i dobročinstva koja sam učinio za tebe: primjerice, kako sam te stvorio plemenitom dajući ti tijelo i dušu, kako sam te obogatio uzvišenošću dajući ti zdravlje i prolazna dobra, kako sam te dobrostivo i s ljubavlju spasio svojom smrću i vratio ti tvoje nebesko nasljedstvo – ako ga želiš imati. No nevjesta također treba i ispunjavati volju zaručnika. A što je Moja volja osim da Me želiš voljeti više od svih drugih stvari i da ne želiš ništa drugo osim Mene? Sve stvari sam stvorio za dobrobit ljudskog roda i sve mu stvari učinio podložnima. Ipak, on voli sve osim Mene i ne mrzi ništa osim Mene. Otkupio sam mu nasljedstvo koje je izgubio zbog svojih grijeha. No ljudski je rod postao toliko lakomislen i nerazuman da više voli prolazni sjaj, koji je poput morske pjene što se u trenutku diže poput planine, a potom brzo pada ni u što, umjesto vječne slave u kojoj je neugasivo dobro. Ali ako ti, Moja nevjesto, ne žudiš ni za čim osim za Mnom, ukoliko prezireš sve stvari radi Mene – ne samo djecu i rodbinu, već i čast i obilje – dat ću ti najdragocjeniju i divnu nagradu. Neću ti dati ni zlato ni srebro, već sebe kao tvog zaručnika i nagradu – Ja, koji sam Kralj Slave. Ako se stidiš biti siromašna i prezrena, razmisli o tome kako Ja, tvoj Bog, prođoh taj put prije tebe, kad Me Moji sluge i prijatelji napustiše na zemlji; jer ne bijah tražio prijatelje na zemlji, već prijatelje u nebu. I ako se brineš ili bojiš tereta i težine rada i bolesti, razmisli koliko je teže gorjeti u paklu! Što bi zaslužila da si uvrijedila bilo kojeg zemaljskog gospodara kao što si Mene? Jer iako te volim svim svojim srcem, ipak ne djelujem protiv pravde čak ni u najmanjoj mjeri. Stoga, kao što si griješila u svakom dijelu tijela, isto tako trebaš dati zadovoljštinu i pokoru u svakom dijelu tijela. No zbog tvoje dobre volje i odluke da nadoknadiš svoje grijehe, promijenit ću Moju pravdu u milost i zamijeniti ti prethodnu bolnu kaznu za manju pokoru. Zato prigrli s radošću i preuzmi na sebe to malo posla kako bi što prije bila očišćena od grijeha i dosegla svoju veliku nagradu. Jer nevjesta bi se trebala umoriti radom uz svojega zaručnika kako bi se s još više pouzdanja mogla odmoriti s njim.“ Riječi mudrosti našega Gospodina Isusa Krista svojoj nevjesti o tome kako Ga treba ljubiti i slaviti, Njega - zaručnika, i o tome kako zli vole svijet i mrze Boga. 3. poglavlje „Ja sam Bog tvoj i Gospodin, onaj kojem se klanjaš i častiš ga. Ja sam onaj koji svojom snagom drži nebo i zemlju; ne podupiru ih niti stupovi, niti išta drugo. Ja sam onaj kojega se u obličju kruha daje i nudi svaki dan na oltaru kao istinskoga Boga i istinskoga čovjeka. Ja sam onaj isti koji je izabrao tebe. Štuj Mog Oca! Voli Me! Slušaj Moj Duh! Štuj Moju Majku kao svoju Gospu! Štuj sve Moje svete! Čuvaj istinsku vjeru koju ćeš naučiti od onoga koji je unutar sebe iskusio sukob dva duha – duha laži i duha istine – i uz Moju pomoć pobijedio. Održavaj istinsku poniznost! A što je istinska poniznost ako ne ponašati se onako kakva uistinu jesi, i hvaliti Boga za dobre stvari koje nam je dao? Ali sada ima mnogih koji mrze Mene i moja djela, koji Moje riječi vide kao jadne i isprazne, a umjesto toga, s uzbuđenjem i ljubavlju prigrljuju bludnika: đavla. Što god činili za Mene, čine to s prigovaranjem i gorčinom. Ne bi čak ni priznali Moje ime niti Mi služili da se ne boje mišljenja drugih ljudi. Toliko vole ovaj svijet da se nikad ne umore radeći za njega noću i danju, izgarajući s ljubavlju prema njemu. Njihova mi je služba draga kao ona onoga koji daje svom neprijatelju novac da mu ubije vlastitog sina! To je ono što oni čine za Mene. Daju Mi nešto milostinje i slave Me svojim usnama kako bi pridobili uspjeh u svijetu i ostali u svojim počastima i grijesima. Dobar Duh stoga je spriječen u njima i oni su onemogućeni postići ikakav napredak u činjenju dobra. No ako Me želiš voljeti svim svojim srcem i žudjeti ni za čim drugim osim za Mnom, privući ću te k sebi kroz ljubav, baš kao što magnet privlači metal. Položit ću te na svoju ruku koja je toliko snažna da je savijenu nitko ne može ispraviti, i toliko čvrsta da je ispruženu nitko ne može saviti, i toliko slatka da nadilazi svaki miomiris i ne može se usporediti ni sa jednom slatkom stvari ili užitkom ovoga svijeta.“ OBJAŠNJENJE Učitelj Kristove nevjeste bio je sveti teolog i kanonik Linköpinga imenom Master Mathias od Švedske. On je napisao izvrstan komentar o čitavoj Bibliji. Patio je od vrlo suptilnih đavlovih iskušenja, uključujući i mnoge hereze protiv katoličke vjere. No ipak je nadvladao sve kušnje uz Kristovu pomoć i đavao ga nije mogao svladati, što je jasno navedeno u biografiji svete Brigite. Upravo je Master Mathias napisao uvodni tekst za ove knjige, koji počinje ovako: 'Stupor et mirabilia'. Bio je sveti čovjek velike duhovne snage u riječi i djelu. Kada je umro u Švedskoj, Kristova nevjesta živjela je u Rimu. Za svoje molitve čula je glas koji joj je govorio u duhu: 'Sretan si, Master Mathias, zbog krune koja ti je pripremljena na nebu. Sada dođi mudrosti kojoj nema kraja!' O Masteru Mathiasu više se može čitati u ovoj, 1. knjizi (u 52. poglavlju), 5. knjizi (u odgovoru na 3. pitanje u zadnjem ispitivanju) i 6. knjizi (75. i 89. poglavlje). Riječi našega Gospodina Isusa Krista svojoj nevjesti o tome kako se ne treba bojati ili misliti da su otkrivenja koja joj je On rekao došla od zlog duha, te o tome kako razlikovati zlog duha od dobroga. 4. poglavlje „Ja sam tvoj Spasitelj i Otkupitelj. Zašto si se bojala Mojih riječi i sumnjala u njih? Zašto si se pitala dolaze li od dobrog ili zlog duha? Reci mi, što si to našla u Mojim riječima a da ti tvoja savjest nije rekla da tako postupiš? Jesam li ti ikad zapovjedio išta suprotno razumu?“ Nevjesta je odgovorila: 'Ne, sve što si mi rekao bilo je potpuno istinito i razumno, i jako sam pogriješila.' Zaručnik, Isus, odgovorio joj je: 'Pokazao sam ti tri stvari po kojima bi mogla prepoznati dobrog duha: pozvao sam te da poštuješ svoga Boga, koji te stvorio i dao ti sve što imaš; i tvoj ti razum također govori da ga poštuješ iznad svih stvari. Nadalje, pozvao sam te da zadržiš istinsku vjeru, dakle da vjeruješ da ništa nije stvoreno i ne može biti stvoreno bez Boga. Također sam te pozvao da voliš razuman rad i umjerenost u svim stvarima, jer je svijet stvoren radi čovjeka, kako bi ga čovjek mogao koristiti za svoje razumne potrebe, a ne za neumjerenost. Na isti način možeš prepoznati i nečisti duh, đavla, po tri stvari suprotne prethodnima: on te iskušava i savjetuje ti da tražiš i želiš svoju vlastitu slavu te da budeš ponosna na stvari koje su ti dane. On te također navodi na nevjeru i neumjerenost u cijelom tijelu i čini da ti srce izgara za njima. Katkad također vara ljude u vanjskom liku dobrog duha. To je razlog zašto sam ti zapovjedio da uvijek provjeravaš svoju savjest i otkrivaš je mudrim duhovnim ljudima! Stoga ne sumnjaj da je dobar Božji duh s tobom kada ne žudiš ni za čim drugim osim za Bogom i kada sva plamtiš Njegovom ljubavlju. Samo Ja mogu to postići i tada je đavlu nemoguće približiti se. Đavao se ne može približiti ni zlim ljudima ako ja to ne dopustim, bilo zbog njihovih grijeha, bilo zbog neke tajne prosudbe koju znam samo Ja. Jer i on je Moje stvorenje, kao i sve druge stvari – stvorio sam ga dobrog, ali je on učinio sebe zlim svojom vlastitom opakošću – i stoga, Ja sam Gospodar nad njim. Zato oni koji Me optužuju, lažu kad kažu da su svi koji Mi služe s velikom i božanskom odanošću ludi i opsjednuti đavlom. Govore da sam poput čovjeka koji svoju kreposnu i vjernu ženu predaje preljubu. Bio bih takav kada bih dopustio da pravednik i bogoljuban čovjek bude predan đavlu! No zato što sam vjeran, đavao nikada neće ovladati dušom nijednoga čovjeka koji Mi revno služi. Iako Moji prijatelji katkad izgledaju ludo ili nerazumno, to nije zato što ih muči đavao, ili zato što Mi služe s gorljivom i pobožnom revnošću. Razlog tome skrivena je mana ili slabost u mozgu ili neki drugi skriveni razlog, koji služi da ih učini poniznima. Katkad se može dogoditi da đavao od Mene dobije moć nad tijelima dobrih ljudi kako bi dobili veću nagradu u budućnosti ili kako bi im zamračio njihove savjesti. No on nikada ne može vladati dušama onih koji imaju vjeru u Mene i koji Me ljube.“ Kristove riječi Njegovoj nevjesti ispunjene najvećom ljubavlju, o prekrasnoj prispodobi divnog dvorca koji predstavlja svetu borbenu Crkvu i o tome kako će Božja crkva biti ponovno izgrađena molitvama uzvišene Djevice i svetih. 5. poglavlje „Ja sam Stvoritelj svih stvari – Ja, Kralj Slave i Gospodin anđela. Za sebe sam sagradio divan dvorac i u njega smjestio svoje izabranike, ali Moji neprijatelji potkopali su mu temelje i toliko nadvladali Moje prijatelje da im srž kostiju izlazi iz stopala dok sjede na drvenim kladama. Usta su im razbijana kamenjem, mučeni su glađu i žeđu. Štoviše, neprijatelji progone i njihova Gospodina. Moji prijatelji sada mole za pomoć u suzama i jecajima; i pravda zove na osvetu, no milost kaže da se oprosti. Tada Bog reče svojoj nebeskoj vojsci koja stajaše oko Njega: 'Što mislite o onima koji zauzeše Moj dvorac?' Svi odgovoriše jednoglasno: 'Gospodine, sva pravednost u Tebi je, i u Tebi mi vidimo sve stvari. Ti jesi bez početka i kraja, Božji Sine, i sav je sud dan Tebi. Ti si njihov sudac.' I On reče: 'Iako znate i vidite sve stvari u Meni, ipak, radi Moje nevjeste koja stoji pokraj Mene, recite Mi koja je pravedna kazna?' Oni rekoše: 'Ovo je pravda: da oni koji potkopaše zid budu kažnjeni kao kradljivci, da oni koji ustrajavaju u zlu budu kažnjeni kao uljezi, zarobljeni da budu pušteni na slobodu, a gladni nahranjeni.' Tada Marija, Majka Božja (koja je do sada šutjela), reče: 'O moj Gospodine i najdraži Sine, Ti si bio u mojoj utrobi kao istinski Bog i čovjek. Po Tvojoj milosti posvetio si Mene, koja bijah ništa doli zemljana posuda. Usrdno Te molim: budi još jednom milostiv prema njima!' Onda Gospodin odgovori svojoj Majci: 'Neka su blagoslovljene riječi iz Tvojih usta, koje se poput slatkog miomirisa uzdižu do Boga. Ti si Kraljica i slava anđela i svih svetih, jer Boga si i sve svete obradovala. Zato što je Tvoja volja bila kao Moja od početka Tvoje mladosti, učinit ću još jednom kako želiš.' Potom On reče vojsci svetaca: 'Zato što ste hrabro se borili, i zbog vaše ljubavi, dozvolit ću si biti smiren zasad. Evo, ponovno ću izgraditi svoj zid zbog vaših molitva. Oslobodit ću i izliječiti one koji su bili silom potlačeni, i udijeliti čast stostruko veću od poniženja koja su pretrpjeli. Ali ako nasilnici i činitelji pogrešnih stvari budu molili za Moju milost – dat ću im mir i milost. Međutim oni koji preziru Moju milost, osjetit će Moju pravednost.' Potom reče svojoj nevjesti: 'Moja nevjesto, tebe odabrah i odjenuh te u svoj Duh. Čuješ Moje riječi i riječi Mojih svetih. Iako sveti vide sve stvari u Meni, usprkos svemu, progovoriše radi tebe, kako bi ti mogla razumjeti, jer ti, koja si još uvijek u tijelu, ne možeš vidjeti sve stvari u Meni kao što mogu oni koji su duh. Sada ću ti također pokazati što te stvari označavaju. Dvorac o kojem sam ti pričao, sveta je Crkva i duša kršćana koju sam sagradio svojom vlastitom krvlju i krvlju svetaca. Zacemtirao sam je i ispunio žbukom svoje ljubavlju te smjestio svoje prijatelje i izabranike u nju. Njen temelj istinska je vjera, a to je vjera da sam Ja pravedan i milosrdan sudac. No sada je njezin temelj potkopan jer svi vjeruju i propovijedaju da sam Ja milosrdan, ali gotovo nitko ne propovijeda niti vjeruje da sam pravedan sudac. Mene vide kao nepravednog suca! Sudac bi uistinu bio nepravedan i pokvaren kad bi iz milosti dopustio pokvarenima da odu nekažnjeni kako bi mogli tlačiti pravednike još više! Ali Ja sam doista pravedan i milosrdan sudac; jer Ja neću dopustiti da niti najmanji grijeh prođe nekažnjen, niti da najmanje dobro prođe nenagrađeno. Potkopavanjem ovog zida u svetu Crkvu ušli su ljudi koji griješe bez straha, koji niječu da sam Ja pravedan sudac i koji muče Moje prijatelje tako teško kao da su ukliješteni u klade. Mojim prijateljima nisu dane ni radost ni utjeha, već im se umjesto toga nanose sve vrste poruga i muka kao da su opsjednuti đavlom. Kada kažu istinu o Meni, odbija ih se i optužuje da lažu. Oni vatreno žele slušati ili govoriti o Meni, ali nema nikoga tko bi ih slušao ili im govorio istinu. Osim toga, Mene – Gospodina i Stvoritelja, huli se i odbija, jer govore: 'Ne znamo postoji li Bog, a ako i postoji, ne marimo za to!' Moju zastavu bacaju na zemlju i gaze ju svojim nogama govoreći: 'Zašto je patio? Što mi imamo od toga? Kad bi ispunjavao našu požudu i volju, to bi nam bilo dovoljno. Može zadržati svoje kraljevstvo i nebo!' Želim im doći, ali oni kažu: 'Radije ćemo umrijeti, nego predati svoju vlastitu volju!' Evo, nevjesto Moja, kakvi su oni ljudi! Ja sam ih stvorio, i mogao bih ih uništiti i prokleti jednom riječju kada bih htio. Kako su bestidni i bahati prema Meni! Ali zbog molitva Moje Majke i svih svetih još sam uvijek toliko milosrdan i strpljiv da ću im uputiti riječi svojih usta i ponuditi im svoju milost. Ako ih žele prihvatiti, bit ću blag. U suprotnom, spoznat će Moju pravdu i poput lopova biti javno osramoćeni pred anđelima i ljudima, i svaki od njih bit će osuđen od svih njih. Poput ljudi koji vise na vješalima i izjedaju ih vrane, i njih će proždirati demoni, ali neće umirati. Baš kao što oni koji su kažnjeni u kladama nemaju mira, i oni će također imati bol i gorčinu svugdje oko sebe. Najužarenija rijeka teći će im u usta, ali njihovi trbusi neće biti napunjeni, i njihova kazna ponavljat će se svakog dana. No Moji prijatelji bit će otkupljeni i utješeni riječima što dolaze iz Mojih usta. Oni će vidjeti Moju pravdu zajedno s Mojom milošću. Zaodjenut ću ih u oružje svoje ljubavi i učiniti ih toliko snažnima da će neprijatelji vjere pasti poput prašine i biti postiđeni u vječnosti kad spoznaju Moju pravdu. Da, zasigurno će biti postiđeni zbog zloporabe Moje strpljivosti.“ Riječi Kristove Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako Duh Sveti ne može ostati s nepravednima, o razdvajanju nepravednih od dobrih i o tome kako su dobri ljudi, naoružani duhovnim oružjima, poslani u rat protiv svijeta. 6. poglavlje „Moji su neprijatelji poput najopasnijih zvijeri koje se nikad ne mogu zasititi ili mirovati. Ljubavi prema Meni nema u njihovim srcima pa su toliko prazna da nikad ne dopuštaju da u njih uđe misao o Mojoj patnji; i niti jednom duboko u njihovu srcu nije se mogla čuti riječ: 'O Gospodine, Ti si nas otkupio, budi slavljen zbog svoje gorke patnje!' Kako da Moj Duh ostane s ljudima koji nemaju pobožne ljubavi prema Meni i koji svojevoljno izdaju druge kako bi zadovoljili svoju volju? Njihova su srca puna odvratnih crva, to jest puna svjetovnih žudnji. Đavao je ostavio svoju prljavštinu u njihovim ustima i zato im Moje riječi ne mogu udovoljiti. Zato ću njih odijeliti od svojih prijatelja svojom pilom i, kao što nema gorčeg načina za umiranje nego biti prepiljen, tako neće biti ni kazne koju oni neće okusiti. Njih će đavao prepiliti nadvoje i odvojiti od Mene! Toliko su Mi mrski da će i svi oni koji prianjaju uz njih, i slože se s njima, također biti odvojeni od Mene. Stoga Ja upućujem svoje prijatelje kako bi mogli odvojiti đavle od Mojih pripadnika, zato što ovi uistinu jesu Moji neprijatelji. Upućujem svoje prijatelje kao vitezove u rat. Svatko tko suzbije i obuzda svoje tijelo i suzdrži se od zabranjenih stvari, Moj je istinski vitez. Umjesto koplja, imat će riječi koje sam Ja rekao svojim ustima, a u svojim rukama mač istinske vjere. Njihova prsa bit će pokrivena oklopom ljubavi i, što god im se dogodilo, neće Me manje voljeti. Oni će imati štit strpljivosti na svojem boku kako bi mogli trpjeti i strpljivo izdržati sve stvari. Zaštitio sam ih poput zlata u posudi; oni će ići preda Mnom i hodati Mojim putovima. Prema putevima pravde, ni Ja ne bih mogao ući u slavu veličanstva bez muke u svojoj ljudskoj prirodi, pa kako će onda oni ući u nju? Ako je njihov Gospodin ustrajao usprkos boli i patnji, nije iznenađenje da i oni pate. Ako je njihov Gospodin izdržao udarce i mučenje, za njih nije previše izdržati riječi i proturječnosti. Oni se ne bi trebali bojati, jer Ja ih nikada neću napustiti. Baš kao što je za đavla nemoguće dotaći i odvojiti srce od Boga, tako mu je nemoguće i odvojiti njih od Mene. I budući da su u mojim očima poput najčišćeg zlata, Ja ih nikada neću napustiti, čak ni kada ih se iskušava s malo vatre, jer im je ta vatra dana radi veće nagrade i sreće.“ Riječi slavne Djevice svetoj Brigiti o tome kako se odijevati te kojom bi se vrstom odjeće i nakita njezina kći trebala urešavati i odijevati. 7. poglavlje „Ja sam Marija koja je rodila Sina Božjeg, istinskog Boga i istinskog čovjeka. Ja sam Kraljica Anđela. Moj te sin voli svim svojim srcem. Stoga bi ti trebala voljeti Njega. Ti bi trebala biti urešena najprikladnijom odjećom, i Ja ću ti pokazati kako i koja bi to vrsta odjeće trebala biti. Kao što si prije imala potkošulju, košulju, cipele, ogrtač i broš na svojim prsima, tako ćeš sada imati duhovnu odjeću. Potkošulja koju ćeš imati, skrušenost je zbog tvojih grijeha; jer kako je potkošulja najbliža tijelu, tako su skrušenost i ispovijed prvi način za obraćenje Bogu. Kroz njih se um, koji je jednom uživao u grijehu, pročišćava, a nečedno tijelo suzdržava od zlih požuda. Dvije cipele dvije su namjere: imenom, volja da se popraviš u odnosu na svoje prošle grijehe i volja da činiš dobro i suzdržiš se od zla. Tvoja košulja ufanje je u Boga; i kao što košulja ima dva rukava, tako neka pravednost i milosrđe idu uz tvoje ufanje, tako da ćeš se ufati u milosrđe Boga, ali ne zaboraviti Njegovu pravednost. Spominji se njegove pravednost i oštrog suda na takav način da ne zaboraviš Njegovo milosrđe, jer On ne čini pravdu bez milosrđa, niti milosrđe bez pravednosti. Ogrtač je vjera, jer kao što ogrtač pokriva sve i sve je zatvoreno njime, tako i čovjek može razumjeti i dostići sve stvari preko vjere. Taj bi ogrtač trebao biti urešen znakovima ljubavi tvoga zaručnika – redom, kako te stvorio, kako te otkupio, kako te podigao i vodio u svojem duhu te otvorio tvoje duhovne oči. Broš, koji bi uvijek trebao biti na tvojim prsima, često je razmatranje Njegovih patnji: kako je bio izrugivan i bičevan, kako je živ visio na križu, krvav i izranjavan po cijelom tijelu, kako se u smrti cijelo Njegovo tijelo treslo u najtežoj boli i patnji te kako je preporučio svoj duh u ruke svojega Oca. Neka taj broš bude uvijek na tvojim prsima! Na tvojoj bi glavi trebala biti i kruna, koja znači da bi trebala biti čedna u svojim žudnjama toliko da bi radije trpjela udarce i bol nego bila dodatno okaljana. Stoga budi skromna i ljubazna i ne misli ni o čemu, i ne žudi ni za čim osim za svojim Bogom i Stvoriteljem – jer kad imaš Njega, imaš sve! Tako urešena, trebaš čekati svojega Zaručnika.“ Riječi Kraljice neba njezinoj ljubljenoj kćeri, svetoj Brigiti, kojima je uči kako bi trebala ljubiti i slaviti Sina Božjeg zajedno s njegovom blagoslovljenom Majkom. 8. poglavlje „Ja sam Kraljica neba. Ti si zabrinuta kako bi Me trebala slaviti i častiti. Znaj i budi sigurna da je svako slavljenje Mojega Sina također slavljenje Mene, i da oni koji obeščašćuju Njega, obeščašćuju i Mene. To je tako jer Ja sam Ga voljela i On je volio Mene toliko silno da smo oboje bili poput jednog srca. On je toliko veličanstveno častio Mene, koja sam samo zemljana posuda, da Me podigao iznad svih anđela. Stoga bi Me trebala častiti ovako: 'Blagoslovljen budi, Bože, Stvoritelju svih stvari, koji si se udostojio spustiti u utrobu Djevice Marije! Blagoslovljen budi, Bože, koji si htio biti u Djevici Mariji ne bivajući joj teret, i koji si se udostojio uzeti bezgrešno začeto tijelo od Nje bez grijeha! Blagoslovljen budi, Bože, koji si došao Djevici, donio radost u Njezinu dušu i Njezino cijelo tijelo, i koji si izašao iz Nje bez grijeha, a na radost čitavoga Njezina tijela! Blagoslovljen budi, Bože, koji si nakon svojega uzašašća na nebo obradovao Djevicu Mariju, svoju Majku, neprekidnim stanjem blaženstva i posjetio je sa svojom utjehom! Blagoslovljen budi, Bože, koji si uzeo tijelo i dušu Djevice Marije, svoje Majke, na nebo i počasno ju smjestio iznad svih anđela, zdesna svojem Božanstvu! Imaj milosti za mene zbog svih Njezinih molitvi!“ Riječi Kraljice Neba njezinoj voljenoj kćeri o predivnoj ljubavi Sina prema svojoj djevičanskoj Majci i o tome kako je Majka Kristova bila začeta u najkreposnijem braku i posvećena u utrobi. Ona govori o tome kako je bila uzeta na Nebesa, tijelom i dušom, o snazi svojeg imena te dobrim i zlim anđelima koji su dani ljudima za njihovu zaštitu ili sud. 9. poglavlje „Ja sam Kraljica Neba. Voli Mojega Sina jer On je najdostojniji; kad imaš Njega, imaš sve što je vrijedno. On je i najžuđeniji; kad imaš Njega, imaš sve za čime se žudi. Voli Ga i zato što je najkreposniji; kad imaš Njega, imaš svaku krepost. Želim ti reći kako je Njegova ljubav bila divna za Moje tijelo i dušu te koliko je častio Moje ime. Moj Me Sin volio prije nego što sam Ja voljela Njega jer On je Moj Stvoritelj. On je sjedinio mojeg oca i majku u braku toliko kreposnom da se u ono vrijeme nije moglo pronaći kreposnijeg braka. Oni se nikada nisu htjeli sjediniti osim po Zakonu i samo s namjerom da dobiju potomstvo. Kada im je anđeo otkrio da će roditi Djevicu od koje će doći spasenje svijeta, radije bi bili umrli nego se sjedinili u putenoj ljubavi; požuda u njima bila je ugašena. Uvjeravam te da je to kad su se sjedinili, bilo u božanskoj ljubavi i zbog anđelove poruke, a ne zbog putene požude, nego protiv njihove volje i iz ljubavi prema Bogu. Na taj način stvoreno je Moje tijelo iz njihova sjemena i kroz božansku ljubav. Potom, kad je Moje tijelo stvoreno i oblikovano, Bog je u nj ulio stvorenu dušu iz svojega božanstva i duša je odmah bila posvećena zajedno s tijelom, a anđeli su je čuvali i služili joj danju i noću. Kada je Moja duša bila posvećena i združena s tijelom, Moja je majka osjetila tako veliku radost da se to nije moglo opisati! Nakon toga, kada se vrijeme Mojega života ispunilo, Moj Sin prvo je uzdigao Moju dušu – jer ona je bila gospodarica tijela – na mjesto savršenije od drugih na nebesima, zdesna Njegovu Božanstvu. Kasnije je također uzdigao i Moje tijelo na takav način da tijelo niti jednog drugog stvorenja nije tako blizu Bogu kao Moje. Vidi kako je Moj Sin volio Moju dušu i Moje tijelo! Ipak, ima nekih ljudi zlobnog duha koji odriču da sam bila uzdignuta na Nebesa, dušom i tijelom, i onih koji jednostavno ne znaju bolje. Ali ovo je najsigurnija istina: Ja sam, tijelom i dušom, bila uzdignuta na Nebesa! Sada čuj kako je Moj Sin proslavio Moje ime! Moje je ime Marija, kako je rečeno u evanđeljima. Kad anđeli čuju to ime, oni se u svojim mislima raduju i zahvaljuju Bogu na velikom milosrđu koja je činio kroz Mene i sa Mnom, i jer vide Ljudskost Mojeg Sina proslavljenu u Njegovu Božanstvu. Oni u vatri Čistilišta raduju se u najvećoj radosti, poput bolesnog čovjeka prikovanog za krevet ako dobije riječ utjehe koja krijepi njegovu dušu: iznenada je prepun radosti! Kada dobri anđeli čuju Moje ime, odmah se primaknu pravednome, čiji su čuvari, i raduju zbog njegova napredovanja u dobrim djelima i krepostima. Svi su ljudi dobili i dobre anđele za svoju zaštitu i loše anđele kako bi ih iskušavali. Dobri anđeli nisu odvojeni od Boga; oni poslužuju dušu ne napuštajući Boga. Njegov pogled uvijek je na njima. Štoviše oni potpaljuju i potiču dušu da čini dobro. Svi demoni , međutim, drhte od straha na ime Marijino! Kada čuju ime 'Marija', odmah ispuštaju dušu iz kandži kojima su ju držali. Kao što ptica ili jastreb, sa svojim kandžama i kljunom zabodenim u lovinu, smjesta ispušta istu čim čuje neki zvuk, ali se brzo vraća kada vidi da se nakon toga ništa ne događa; tako rade i demoni – uplašeni kada čuju Moje ime – puste dušu. No vraćaju se i dolete natrag brzinom strijele ako nije došlo ni do kakva poboljšanja. Nitko nije tako hladan u svojoj ljubavi prema Bogu (osim ako je proklet) da neće osjetiti kako ga đavao oslobađa od njegovih uobičajenih grijeha ako samo zazove Moje ime s istinskom namjerom da se više nikad ne vraća svojim zlim djelima. Đavao se neće nikada vratiti osim ako taj nastavi svojom voljom činiti smrtne grijehe. No povremeno se đavlu ipak dopušta uznemiravati ga radi njegove veće nagrade. No đavao ga nikada neće posjedovati.“ Riječi Djevice Marije njezinoj kćeri, koje prikazuju korisnu pouku o tome kako bi ona trebala živjeti i koje opisuju mnoge divne stvari o Kristovoj patnji. 10. poglavlje „Ja sam Kraljica Neba, Majka Božja. Rekoh ti da nosiš broš na svojim prsima. Sada ću ti još potpunije pokazati kako sam od početka, kad prvi put čuh i shvatih kako Bog postoji, uvijek, i sa strahom, brinula o svojem spasenju i svojem pridržavanju Njegovih zapovijedi. Ali kad sam više naučila o Bogu – kako je On Moj Stvoritelj i sudac svih Mojih djela – voljela sam Ga još i više, uvijek smjerna i oprezna kako Ga ne bih uvrijedila riječju ili djelom. Kasnije, kad sam čula da je On dao Zakon i zapovijedi narodu i činio tako velika djela kroz njih, čvrsto sam odlučila u svojoj duši da nikada neću voljeti nikoga osim Njega i sve su svjetovne stvari postale za mene najgorče. No kada sam još kasnije čula da će sam Bog otkupiti svijet i biti rođen od Djevice, bila sam preplavljena tako snažnom ljubavlju prema Njemu da nisam mislila ni na što osim na Boga, niti sam željela išta osim Njega. Povukla sam se koliko sam mogla iz razgovora i nazočnosti roditelja i prijatelja te dala svu svoju imovinu siromašnima, ne zadržavši za sebe ništa osim oskudne hrane i odjeće. Ništa me nije ispunjavalo osim Boga! Stalno sam u svojem srcu željela doživjeti vrijeme Njegova rođenja, a možda i zavrijediti da postanem bezvrijedna sluškinja Majke Božje. Također, u svojem srcu obećah da ću zadržati svoje djevičanstvo, ako je to Njemu prihvatljivo, te da neću imati imetka na ovome svijetu. No ako Bog želi drugačije, Moja volja bijaše da se ostvari Njegova volja, a ne Moja; jer vjerovala sam da On može napraviti sve stvari i nisam željela ništa osim onoga što je bilo najkorisnije i najbolje za Mene. Zato svu svoju volju povjerih Njemu. Kada se približilo vrijeme da se djevice prikažu u hramu Gospodinovu, i Ja bijah među njima zbog pobožne pokornosti Mojih roditelja Zakonu. U sebi mišljah da Bogu ništa nije nemoguće, pa kako je On znao da ne želim ništa i ne žudim ni za čim osim za Njim, tako sam i Ja znala da bi On zaštitio Moje djevičanstvo ako to želi. Ako i ne, htjedoh da se ostvari Njegova volja. Nakon što sam čula sve zapovijedi u hramu, vratila sam se kući, izgarajući sada više nego ikad ljubavlju prema Bogu, a svakim danom plamtjeli su novi plamenovi i žudnje ljubavi. Zbog tog razloga povukla sam se još više od svih i bila sama danju i noću, jako se bojeći, više od svega, da Moja usta ne kažu ili Moje uši ne čuju ništa suprotno Božjoj volji, ili da Moje oči ne vide ništa zavodljivo ili štetno. Također sam se u tišini bojala i jako brinula da šutim o stvarima o kojima bih, umjesto toga, trebala govoriti. Dok sam se tako bojala u svojemu srcu, sama sa sobom i dajući sve svoje nade Bogu, na Mene siđe veliko nadahnuće o Božjoj silnoj moći, i sjetih se kako Mu služe anđeli i sve i sve stvoreno, i kako je Njegova slava neopisiva i bezgranična. Dok bijah tako očarana tom mišlju, vidjela sam tri predivne stvari: vidjela sam zvijezdu, ali ne onakvu kakva sja na nebu; vidjela sam svjetlost, ali ne onakvu kakva sja na ovom svijetu; osjetila sam miomiris, ali ne biljaka, niti ičega od ovog svijeta. To je bio najveći ushit i uistinu neopisivo, i toliko me ispunilo da sam klicala s radošću! Odmah potom začuh glas – ali ne glas iz ljudskih usta – i kad ga čuh, zadrhtah s velikim strahom da bi to moglo biti priviđenje ili varka zlog duha. No ubrzo zatim ispred mene pojavi se anđeo Božji; bio je poput najljepšeg od stvorenih ljudi, ali ne u tijelu kao što je tijelo stvorenog čovjeka, i reče mi: 'Zdravo, milosti puna, Gospodin je s Tobom!' Kad to začuh, upitah se što je time mislio i zašto je došao k Meni s takvim pozdravom, jer sam znala i vjerovala da nisam vrijedna nečega takvog – ili bilo kakve dobre stvari! No znah i da Bogu ništa nije nemoguće ako On tako želi. Onda mi se anđeo opet obrati: 'Dijete koje ćeš roditi, bit će sveto i zvat će se Sin Božji. Neka bude kako je volja Njegova.' No čak ni tada nisam se smatrala vrijednom, niti sam pitala anđela zašto i kada će se to dogoditi. Umjesto toga pitala sam ga kako je moguće da ja, bezvrijedna sluškinja, koja nije upoznala nijednog muškarca, mogu postati Majka Božja. Anđeo mi odgovori (kako upravo rekoh): 'Bogu ništa nije nemoguće, jer što god poželi učiniti biti će učinjeno.' Kad začuh te riječi anđela, osjetih najžarkiju želju postati Majkom Božjom i Moja duša progovori od ljubavi i žudnje, rekavši: 'Evo Me: Tvoja će se volja ostvariti u Meni!' S tim je riječima moj Sin začet u Mojoj utrobi, na neopisivu radost Moje duše i cijelog tijela! Dok sam ga imala u svojoj utrobi, nosila sam ga bez ikakve boli, bez težine i neugode. Postadoh ponizna u svim stvarima, znajući da je onaj kojeg nosim Svemogući! Kad Ga rodih, to također bijaše bez ikakve boli ili grijeha, baš kako je i začet, ali s takvim uzvišenjem i radošću duše i tijela da Moja stopala nisu osjećala tlo na kojem su stajala zbog te neopisive radosti! Kao što je ušao u moje tijelo na radost moje duše, tako ga je i napustio, sačuvavši moje djevičanstvo nedirnutim te moju dušu i cijelo tijelo u stanju neopisive radosti i slavljenja. Kada gledah na Njegovu ljepotu i razmišljah o njoj, radost bi mi orosila dušu i znah da nisam vrijedna takvog Sina. Ali kada bih se sjetila mjesta (kako sam naučila iz predviđanja proroka) na kojima će čavli probiti Njegove ruke i noge na raspeću, Moje bi se oči napunile suzama i srce gotovo slomilo od tuge. Kad Moj Sin vidje Moje uplakane oči, postade skoro smrtno žalostan. No, kad bijah razmišljala o Njegovoj božanskoj moći, opet se utješih znajući da je to ono što je On želio i da se sve treba zbiti na taj način, pa stopih svoju volju u Njegovu. Zato je Moja radost uvijek pomiješana s tugom. Kad dođe vrijeme za početak patnji Mojega Sina, Njegovi ga neprijatelji uhvatiše i udaraše po obrazu i vratu, pljuvaše na Njega i rugaše Mu se. Potom On bijaše odveden do stupa mučenja gdje je svojom voljom svukao odjeću i stavio svoje ruke oko stupa, a Njegovi neprijatelji nemilosrdno su ih svezali. Kada je stajao svezan za stup, nije imao ništa na sebi, već je stajao gol, trpeći sramotu svoje golotinje. Potom svi prijatelji Mojega Sina pobjegoše od Njega, a Njegovi neprijatelji dođoše zajedno sa svih strana i stajaše ondje, bičujući Njegovo tijelo, koje je bilo čisto od svake ljage i grijeha. Stajah u blizini i nakon prvog udarca biča padoh kao da sam mrtva. Kada se osvijestih, vidjeh da je Njegovo tijelo izbičevano tako teško da su Mu rebra bila vidljiva! Što je bilo još strašnije – kada bi bič bio povlačen, Njegovo je meso bilo njime rasijecano i trgano, baš kao što je zemlja rasijecana plugom! Dok je Moj Sin stajao tamo, sav krvav i tako izranjavan da na njemu nije bilo dijela koji nije bio ozlijeđen ni mjesta koje nije bičevano, tad netko od nazočnih, potaknut duhom, upita: ' Zar ćete Ga ubiti prije nego što Mu se uopće sudi?' I taj odmah presiječe Njegove spone. Potom Moj Sin ponovno obuče svoju odjeću, a Ja vidjeh kako je mjesto gdje je stajao, bilo natopljeno krvlju! Gledajući stope svoga Sina, mogah vidjeti kuda je hodao jer je i zemlja za Njim bila krvava. Oni čak i ne sačekaše da se obuče, već Ga guraše i vukoše kako bi se požurio. Dok ga vođahu poput razbojnika, On je brisao krv sa svojih očiju. Nakon što Ga osudiše na smrt, staviše na Njega križ kako bi Ga nosio do mjesta patnje. Nakon što ga je nosio jedno vrijeme, pridruži Mu se neki čovjek i nosaše križ umjesto Njega. Kako je moj Sin išao prema mjestu patnje, neki ljudi udarali su Ga u vrat, a drugi u lice. Bio je tako brutalno i nasilno udaran da sam, iako nisam vidjela ljude što Ga udaraše, jasno čula zvuk udaraca. Kad stigoh na mjesto patnje s Njim, vidjeh kako su svi instrumenti Njegove smrti ondje ležali spremno. Moj sin, stigavši tamo, sam skine svoju odjeću. Krvnici i razapinjači rekoše jedni drugima: 'Ovo je naša odjeća! On je neće dobiti natrag jer je osuđen na smrt!'. Kako moj Sin stajaše ondje gol, kakav je i rođen, neki čovjek dotrči i dade mu krpu kojom On s olakšanjem prekrije svoje intimne dijelove. Onda Ga okrutni razapinjači zgrabe i istegnu na križu. Prvo privezaše Njegovu desnu ruku na drvenu gredu (koja je imala pripremljene rupe za čavle), probivši mu šaku na mjestu gdje je kost najtvrđa i najčvršća. Nakon toga istegoše konopcem Njegovu dugu ruku i privezaše je, na sličan način, za gredu. Zatim Mu razapeše desno stopalo – s lijevim stopalom preko njega – dvama čavlima – tako da su Mu sve tetive i žile bile toliko istegnute da su popucale. Nakon što to učiniše, staviše trnovu krunu na Njegovu glavu. Ona se toliko duboko usjekla u glavu Mojega Sina, glavu dostojnu poštovanja, da su Mu se oči napunile krvlju kako je tekla, uši su njome bile zatvorene i brada posve natopljena. Kako je tamo stajao, sav krvav i izboden, osjećao je žaljenje prema Meni jer sam stajala blizu i plakala. Pogledavši svojim očima napunjenim krvlju prema Mojem nećaku Ivanu, preporuči mu da me zbrine. U tom trenutku začuh neke ljude kako govore da je Moj Sin bio razbojnik! Drugi govoraše da je lažac, a neki da nitko nije više zaslužio smrt od Mojega Sina! Kad začuh sve ovo, opet se vrati Moja tuga. I, kao što prije rekoh, kad je prvi čavao bi zabijen u Njega, zvuk prvog udarca toliko Me preplavio da padoh kao da sam mrtva, pred očima Mi se smračilo, ruke su Mi se tresle, a noge zateturale. U svojoj gorkoj boli i velikoj tuzi, nisam bila u stanju podići pogled sve dok nije bio potpuno pribijen za križ. No kad ustadoh, vidjeh svoga Sina kako je nemilosrdno obješen na križ, a Ja, Njegova najžalosnija Majka, bijah toliko ožalošćena i slomljena srca da jedva mogah stajati zbog svoje velike i gorke tuge. Kad vidje Moj Sin Mene i svoje prijatelje u neutješnim suzama, poviče glasnim i žalosnim glasom, rekavši: 'Oče, zašto si me napustio?' To bijaše kao da je htio reći: 'Nema nikoga tko me žali osim Tebe, Oče.' Dotad Njegove oči izgledahu napola mrtve. Njegovi obrazi bijahu upali, Njegovo lice žalosno, usta otvorena, a jezik krvav. Trbuh Mu bijaše upao zbog sve tekućine koju je izgubio. Bijaše kao da nema utrobe. Cijelo Njegovo tijelo bijaše blijedo i slabo zbog gubitka krvi. Njegove šake i stopala bijahu jako prenapregnuti, jer bijahu istegnuti kako bi se prilagodili obliku križa. Njegova brada i kosa bijahu potpuno natopljene krvlju. Kad Moj Sin stajaše ondje tako pretučen i blijedo modar, još je samo Njegovo srce bilo živo, jer bijaše najbolje i najsnažnije naravi. On je od Mojega tijela uzeo najčišće i dobro napravljeno tijelo. Njegova koža bijaše tako tanka i nježna da bi krv odmah potekla kad bi bila čak i blago udarena. Njegova krv bijaše tako svježa da se mogla vidjeti unutar čiste kože. I zato što bijaše najbolje građe, život se borio sa smrću u Njegovu pribijenom tijelu. Katkad bi bol iz Njegovih probodenih udova i tetiva došla do Njegova srca, koje je još uvijek bilo snažno i neozlijeđeno, i protresla Ga najneizdržljivijom boli i patnjom. Katkad bi bol sišla iz Njegova srca u Njegove ranjene udove i, čineći to, odgodila Njegovu gorku smrt. Okružen tim bolima, Moj Sin gledaše svoje prijatelje koji plakahu, i koji bi, uz Njegovu pomoć, radije sami trpjeli Njegove boli ili vječno gorjeli u paklu nego gledali Njega tako mučenog. Njegova žalost zbog njihove žalosti bijaše veća od sve gorčine i tuge koju je trpio u svojem tijelu i srcu, jer ih je tako nježno volio. Onda, od prevelike patnje i muke, poviče iz svoga Čovještva svome Ocu: 'Oče, u Tvoje ruke predajem duh svoj.' Kad sam Ja, Njegova najžalosnija Majka, čula Njegov glas, cijelo se Moje tijelo treslo s gorkom boli u Mojemu srcu. Kad god bih kasnije pomislila na taj krik, još je uvijek bio prisutan u Mojim ušima. Kad se Njegova smrt približila, Njegovo se srce raspuklo od nasilnosti te boli. Cijelo se Njegovo tijelo potreslo, glava mu se malo podigla i opet pala. Njegova su usta bila otvorena i jezik posve krvav. Njegove ruke bijahu se malo povukle od mjesta gdje bijahu rupe od čavala i noge su Mu morale nositi više težine tijela. Prsti i ruke bijahu Mu istegnuti, a leđa čvrsto pritisnuta na križ. Tada mi neki ljudi rekoše: 'Tvoj Sin je mrtav, Marijo!' No drugi rekoše: 'On je mrtav, ali će ponovno ustati.' Kad svi odoše, dođe neki čovjek i zabije svoje koplje u Njegov bok takvom silom da je skoro izašlo na drugu stranu! Budući da koplje bijaše izvučeno, njegov je vrh bio crven od krvi. Tada Mi je izgledalo, kada vidjeh kako je srce Mojega ljubljenog Sina probodeno, da je i Moje srce bilo probodeno! Potom Ga spustiše s križa i uzeh Njegovo tijelo u svoje krilo. Izgledao je poput gubavca, bijaše potpuno prekriven ozljedama i krvlju. Oči Mu bijahu beživotne i pune krvi, usta hladna poput leda, Njegova brada poput žica, lice paralizirano, a ruke toliko ukočene da ih se nije moglo saviti na Njegova prsa, već samo preko Njegova trbuha, blizu pupka. Držala sam Ga na svojim koljenima onakvog kakav je bio na križu: ukočenih svih udova. Nakon toga, polegoše Ga u čisto laneno platno i osuših Njegove udove svojom lanenom tkaninom te zatvorih Njegove oči i usta što bijahu otvorena kad je umro. Potom Ga položiše u grob. Rado bih bila živa položena u grob sa svojim Sinom da je to bila Njegova volja! Kada to bijaše dovršeno, dođe dobri Ivan i odvede Me kući. Eto, kćeri moja, što je Moj Sin pretrpio za tebe, i ljubi Ga cijelim svojim srcem!“ Objašnjenje iz 1. knjige – 15. poglavlje: „Potom trnovu krunu, koju bijahu skinuli s Njegove glave kad je bio razapinjan, vratiše natrag kako bi opet bila na Njegovoj svetoj glavi. Bola je Njegovu divnu glavu takvom silom da su Mu oči bile pune krvi koja je tekla i uši zatvorene.“ Riječi našega Gospodina Isusa Krista Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako se On dragovoljno izručio da bi ga Njegovi neprijatelji razapeli i o načinu kako u svim dijelovima tijela biti suzdržan od nedopuštenih pokreta nakon Njegova najslađeg primjera patnje. 11. poglavlje „Sin Božji reče svojoj nevjesti: 'Ja sam Stvoritelj nebesa i zemlje i svih stvari što su u njima, i to je Moje istinsko tijelo koje se posvećuje na oltaru. Voli Me svim svojim srcem, jer Ja sam tebe volio i svojom voljom izručio sebe svojim neprijateljima, dok su Moji prijatelji i Moja Majka ostali u najgorčoj žalosti i plaču. Kad ondje vidjeh spremno koplje, čavle, bičeve i druge instrumente mučenja, nastavih s patnjom, nimalo manje radostan. I kad je Moja glava krvarila po svim stranama od trnove krune, i krv se slijevala na sve strane, tada, čak i da su se Moji neprijatelji dočepali Moga srca, Ja bih i dalje radije dopustio da ga rane i rastrgaju na više komada nego da te izgubim. Zbog tog razloga, ti si krajnje nezahvalna ako Me ne voliš zbog tako velike ljubavi. Jer ako je Moja glava bila probodena i priklonjena na križ radi tebe, tvoja bi glava trebala biti spuštena u poniznosti. Kako su Moje oči bile oblivene krvlju i suzama, tvoje se oči moraju suzdržavati od ugodnih prizora. Kako su Moje uši bile ispunjene krvlju i morale čuti bogohulne i prezirne riječi, tvoje se uši moraju maknuti od lakomislenog i nerazboritog govora. Kako je Mojim ustima dano najgorče piće i bilo mi uskraćeno dobro, ti bi trebala zatvoriti svoja usta od svakog zla i otvoriti za svako dobro. Kako su Moje ruke bile raširene i probijene čavlima, tvoja djela, koja se simboliziraju rukama, trebaju biti raširene prema siromašnima i prema Mojim zapovijedima. Tvoja stopala, drugim riječima, žudnja kojim želiš ići k Meni, treba biti razapeta i suzdržana od svih zlih požuda. I kako sam Ja patio u svim svojim udovima, tako svi tvoji udovi mogu li biti spremni za služenje Meni. Jer Ja zahtijevam više služenja od tebe nego od drugih ljudi, jer sam tebi dao više milosti.“ O tome kako anđeo moli za Božju nevjestu i kako Krist pita anđela što to on moli za nevjestu te što je dobro za nju. 12. poglavlje Dobri anđeo koji je bio čuvar nevjeste, pojavi se moleći Krista za nju. Naš Gospodin odgovori anđelu i reče: 'Onaj tko želi moliti za drugoga, trebao bi moliti za njegovo zdravlje i spasenje. To je poput vatre koja se nikada ne gasi, stalno goreći Mojom ljubavlju. Ti vidiš i znaš sve stvari kad vidiš Mene. Ne želiš ništa osim onog što Ja želim. Stoga Mi reci što je dobro za ovu Moju novu nevjestu?' Anđeo odgovori: 'Gospodine, Ti znaš sve stvari.' Gospodin mu reče: 'Uistinu, sve što je bilo ili će biti, vječno je u Meni. Znam i razumijem sve stvari na nebesima i na zemlji te u Meni nema mijene. Ali da bi nevjesta mogla razumjeti Moju volju, sada mi reci, dok ona sluša, što je dobro za nju.' Anđeo reče: 'Ona ima ponosno i bahato srce i stoga je potrebna palica kako bi postala krotka.' Tada naš Gospodin kaže: 'Što onda tražiš za nju, Moj prijatelju?' Anđeo reče: 'Moj Gospodine, molim te da palicu koristiš s milošću.' Naš Gospodin reče: 'Radi tebe, tako ću učiniti s njom, jer nikad ne ostvarujem pravdu bez milosti. Stoga bi me Moja nevjesta trebala voljeti svim svojim srcem i svojom dobrom voljom.' O tome kako Božji neprijatelj ima tri đavla u sebi te o užasnoj presudi koju je njemu odredio Krist. 13. poglavlje „Moj neprijatelj ima tri đavla u sebi. Prvi sjedi na njegovu spolnom organu, drugi na njegovu srcu, a treći u njegovim ustima. Prvi je poput zapovjednika broda koji dopušta da voda prodire kroz kobilicu; voda postupno raste i tada ispunjava cijeli brod. Kad voda preplavi brod, potapa ga. Brod je njegovo tijelo koje je uznemiravano đavlovim iskušenjima i svojim vlastitim požudama, poput jakih valova. Prvo zla požuda ulazi u njegovo tijelo kroz kobilicu, odnosno kroz zle žudnje s kojima je uzeo zadovoljstvo u lošim mislima. I kako se on nije odupro kroz kajanje i pokoru te nije popravio trup svojega broda čavlima suzdržljivosti, voda požude svakodnevno je rasla dok je on davao svoj pristanak zlu. Onda se unutrašnjost broda ispunila zlim žudnjama, voda je preplavila i potopila brod požudama pa nije stigao do luke spasenja. Drugi đavao sjedi na njegovu srcu i poput crva je koji leži u jabuci. Crv prvo jede jezgru jabuke, ostavljajući ondje svoju nečist, te puže unutar jabuke dok ne postane potpuno neupotrebljiva. Evo što taj đavao čini: prvo, on uništava čovjekovu volju i dobre žudnje, koje su poput jezgre gdje počivaju jakosti duše i sva dobrota, a kada se srce isprazni od tih dobara, đavao ostavlja umjesto njih svjetovne misli i žudnje koje on više voli. Sada đavao vodi njegovo tijelo prema onome što njemu odgovara i, zbog tog razloga, njegova snaga i razumijevanje oslabljeni su te on počinje mrziti život. Taj je čovjek sada svakako poput jabuke bez jezgre, odnosno čovjeka bez srca, jer on ulazi u moju Crkvu bez srca, budući da nema Božje ljubavi. Treći je đavao poput strijelca koji gleda kroz prozore i gađa neoprezne. Kako ne bi đavao bio u onome tko nikada ne govori bez spominjanja đavla? Onog tko je više voljen, češće se spominje. Njegove gorke riječi kojima ranjava druge, poput strijela su kojima gađa kroz onoliko mnogo prozora koliko puta spominje đavla, a nevini se ljudi vrijeđaju na njegove riječi. Stoga se Ja, koji sam Istina, zaklinjem svojom istinom da ću ga osuditi kao kakvu bludnicu na sumpornu vatru, kao prijetvornog izdajnika na sakaćenje svih njegovih udova i kao onoga koji se ruga Gospodinu na vječnu sramotu! Ipak, dok god su njegova duša i tijelo sjedinjeni, Moja je milost pripravna za njega. Ono što tražim od njega je da češće posjećuje službe Božje i da se češće moli, da se ne boji nikakve poniznosti i da ne žudi za nikakvim počastima te da njegova usta više nikad ne spominju zle ili loše riječi.“ OBJAŠNJENJE Taj je čovjek bio opat cistercitskog reda. On je sahranio izopćenu osobu. Kad je pročitao posljednju pogrebnu molitvu nad tom osobom, sveta Brigita u zanosu duha čula je sljedeće riječi: „Ovaj čovjek je učinio što nije trebao učiniti i sahranio izopćenog muškarca. No sada ti trebaš znati i budi sigurna da je on taj koji će prvi biti pokopan nakon pokojnog. Jer on je zgriješio protiv Oca, koji nam bijaše rekao da nikad ne pokazujemo poštovanje ljudima mimo pravde i da ne ukazujemo nepravedno čast bogatima. Ali on je ukazao čast nedostojnome radi male prolazne stvari i položio ga uz dostojnog, što nije smio učiniti. Također je zgriješio protiv Duha Svetog, koji je zajednica i međusobna povezanost pravednih, kad je pokopao nepravednog čovjeka s dobrim i pravednim. On je također zgriješio i protiv Mene, Sina, jer Ja rekoh: 'Onaj koji Mene odbacuje, bit će odbačen.' No ovaj je čovjek častio i veličao onoga kojega su Moja crkva i vikar odbacili.“ Kad opat začu te riječi, udari ga grižnja savjesti, pokaja se za svoje grijehe i umre četvrtog dana. Riječi Kristove Njegovoj nevjesti o načinu i dubokom štovanju koje bi trebala održavati u molitvi, te o trima vrstama ljudi koji služe Bogu na ovom svijetu. 14. poglavlje „Ja sam tvoj Bog koji bijaše razapet na križu; istinski Bog i istinski čovjek u jednoj osobi, koji je svakog dana nazočan u rukama svećenika. Kad god moliš Meni bilo koju molitvu, uvijek završi molitvu s namjerom da Moja volja bude izvršena, a ne tvoja. Jer kad moliš za nešto što je već osuđeno, Ja te ne čujem. Katkad moliš i za neke stvari koje su protiv tvoje vlastite dobrobiti, i to je zašto je neophodno da povjeriš svoju volju Meni, jer Ja znam sve stvari i ne dajem ti ništa osim onog što je blagotvorno. Mnogi mole bez prave namjere i zato ne zaslužuju da ih se čuje. Tri su vrste ljudi koje Mi služe na ovom svijetu: prva su vrsta oni koji vjeruju da sam Ja Bog, Stvoritelj i darovatelj svih stvari te moćni vladar nad svime. Oni Mi služe s namjerom dobivanja časti i svjetovnih stvari, ali stvari na nebesima smatraju bezvrijednima tako da bi oni rado mogli i bez njih, ako bi umjesto njih mogli dobiti prolazne i svjetovne stvari. Sukladno njihovim žudnjama, svjetovno zadovoljstvo za njih je sve pa tako gube vječne stvari, no Ja ih nagrađujem svjetovnim dobrima za sve dobre stvari koje su napravili radi Mene, sve do zadnjeg novčića i posljednjeg trenutka. Druga su vrsta oni koji vjeruju da sam Ja svemogući Bog i strogi sudac te koji Mi služe zbog straha od kazne, a ne iz ljubavi prema vječnoj slavi. Da se ne boje patnje, oni Mi ne bi služili. Treći su oni koji vjeruju da sam Stvoritelj svih stvari i istinski Bog te vjeruju da sam pravedan i milostiv. Oni Mi ne služe zbog ikakvog straha od kazne već zbog božanske ljubavi i milosrđa. Oni bi prije izabrali i izdržali svaku kaznu, ako bi je mogli izdržati, nego da i samo jednom izazovu Moj gnjev. Oni zaista zavrjeđuju da se njihove molitve čuju, jer njihova je volja u skladu sa Mojom voljom. Ali oni koji pripadaju prvoj vrsti nikad neće pobjeći od mjesta kažnjavanja i muke, niti će vidjeti Moje lice. Oni koji pripadaju drugoj vrsti neće biti toliko kažnjeni i mučeni, ali i dalje neće moći vidjeti Moje lice osim ako ne isprave svoj strah kroz kajanje i popravljanje.“ Riječi Kristove Njegovoj nevjesti u kojima opisuje sebe kao velikog kralja, o dvjema riznicama koje predstavljaju Božju ljubav i ljubav svijeta te pouka kako nastaviti i popraviti se u ovom životu. 15. poglavlje „Ja sam poput velikog i moćnog kralja. Kralju pripadaju četiri stvari: prvo, on mora biti bogat; drugo, velikodušan; treće, mudar te četvrto, milosrdan. Ja sam uistinu Kralj anđela i cijelog čovječanstva. Ja također imam te četiri osobine koje sam spomenuo: prvo, Ja sam najbogatiji od svih, jer svakome dajem po njegovim potrebama, ali nakon tog darivanja ne posjedujem ništa manje nego što sam imao prije. Drugo, Ja sam najvelikodušniji jer sam spreman dati svakome tko moli s ljubavlju za Moju milost. Treće, Ja sam najmudriji od svih, jer Ja znam što je najbolje za sve i za svakoga. I četvrto, ja sam milostiv, jer sam spremniji davati više nego što je itko spreman tražiti. Ja imam, takoreći, dvije riznice. U prvoj riznici spremljene su teške stvari poput olova, a kuća u kojoj su spremljene okružena je oštrim, bolnim šiljcima. No onome tko isprva počne pokretati i premještati te teške stvari i tada nauči nositi ih, te se stvari čine laganima poput pera. I tako stvari koje su prije izgledale teške, postaju vrlo lake, a stvari za koje se prije mislilo da su gorke i oštre, postaju slatke. U drugu riznicu spremaju se stvari koje izgledaju poput sjajnog zlata s dragim kamenjem i izvrsna pića. Ali zlato je zapravo nečist, a pića su otrov. Postoje dva puta u te riznice iako je prije postojao samo jedan put. Na raskrižju, odnosno, na početku tih dvaju putova, stajaše jedan čovjek i vikaše trojici muškaraca koji iđahu različitim putovima, i reče im: 'Poslušajte, poslušajte moje riječi! No ako ne želite slušati svojim ušima, onda barem pogledajte svojim očima i vidite da je to što govorim istina. No ako ne želite ni čuti ni vidjeti, onda barem koristite svoje ruke i dodir kako biste potvrdili da su moje riječi istinite, a ne lažne.' Onda prvi od njih kaza: 'Poslušajmo i pogledajmo jesu li njegove riječi istinite.' Drugi čovjek reče: 'Sve što kaže je lažno.' Treći čovjek reče: 'Znam da je sve što kaže istinito, ali nije me briga što on govori.' Što mogu biti one dvije riznice ako ne Moja ljubav i ljubav svijeta? Dva su puta u ove dvije riznice: uskraćivanje i potpuno odricanje od vlastite volje vodit će u Moju ljubav, dok će tjelesna požuda i čovjekova vlastita volja voditi u ljubav svijeta. Nekim ljudima Moja se ljubav čini teškom poput olova, jer kad bi trebali postiti ili bdjeti služeći mi ili zadržati svoje tijelo od grešnih žudnji, osjećaju se kao da nose teško olovo. I ako trebaju čuti riječi ili uvrede, misle da je teško i pretjerano, ili ako moraju provesti vrijeme u čistoći ili molitvi, to im je kao da sjede između oštrica ili rogova te svakog trenutka brinu. Onaj tko želi ostati u Mojoj ljubavi, prvo treba početi podizati teret i okretati ga, odnosno, treba nastojati činiti dobro kroz svoju dobru volju i stalno nastojanje. Onda on treba postupno podizati teret, odnosno činiti dobro koje može činiti, razmišljajući u sebi: 'Ovo mogu dobro učiniti ako mi Bog dade svoju pomoć i milost.' Tada može ustrajati u poslu koji je započeo i s velikom radošću nositi teret koji mu je prije izgledao težak pa će mu se tako svaka teškoća u postu i bdijenju uoči blagdana, ili bilo koja druga teškoća, činiti lakom poput pera. Moji se prijatelji odmaraju na takvom mjestu koje opakima i lijenima izgleda kao da je okruženo oštricama i rogovima, ali za Moje prijatelje to je mjesto najvećeg mira i meko poput ruža. Ispravan put u tu riznicu jest odricati se i prezirati svoju vlastitu volju, što se događa kad čovjek razmatra Moju patnju i Moju ljubav te mu nije stalo do njegove vlastite volje ili požude, već joj se odupire svom svojom snagom i moći i stalno stremi stvarima koje su više i bolje. I premda je ovaj put u određenoj mjeri težak na početku, kroz ustrajnost donosi toliko zadovoljstva da stvari koje su prije izgledale neizdržive postaju vrlo lake, tako da čovjek s pravom može sebi reći: 'Jaram i rad Božji dobar je i sladak.' Druga je riznica svijet. U njoj ima zlata, dragog kamenja i pića koja izgledaju slasno i ugodnog su mirisa, ali su gorka poput otrova kad ih se kuša. Svatko i svi koji nose i posjeduju zlato moraju – kad im tijelo oslabi i udovi izgube svoju jačinu, kad se srž njihovih kostiju potroši i tijelo padne mrtvo na zemlju – ostaviti iza sebe zlato i drago kamenje, jer od njega nema više koristi nego od nečisti. I pića svijeta, odnosno njegova zadovoljstva izgledaju slasno, no kad su jednom u želucu, učine srce teškim i mozak slabim te unište tijelo, i onda se čovjek osuši i uvene poput biljke, a kada se približi tjeskoba smrti, sva ta zadovoljstva postanu gorka poput otrova. Put koji vodi u tu riznicu jesu samovolja i požuda, kad god se čovjek ne trudi oduprijeti svojim zlim žudnjama i kad ne razmatra o onome što sam Ja zapovjedio ili učinio, već smjesta napravi što god mu dođe na pamet, bez obzira na to je li dopušteno ili ne. Tri čovjeka hodahu tim putem, a time mislim na sve zle i nepravedne ljude koji vole svijet i na svu njihovu samovolju. Vikah prema toj trojici stojeći na raskrižju ili na počecima tih putova, jer kad Ja bijah došao na svijet u ljudskom tijelu, pokazah čovječanstvu dva puta,takoreći, naime, onaj koji treba slijediti i onaj koji treba izbjeći, odnosno onaj koji vodi u život i onaj koji vodi u smrt. Jer prije no što bijah došao u tijelu, postojao je samo jedan put i njime su svi ljudi – dobri i loši – lutali prema paklu. Ja sam onaj koji vikaše, a moj povik bješe: 'Ljudi, čujte Moje riječi koje vode u život, jer one su istinite! Koristite svoj razum da biste razumjeli kako je ono što govorim istina. Ako ne želite čuti Moje riječi ili ih ne možete slušati, onda ih barem vidite, to jest, sa vjerom i razumom vidite da su Moje riječi istinite. Jer kao što nešto vidljivo može biti razabrano tjelesnim očima, tako i nevidljive stvari mogu biti razabrane i vjerovane očima vjere. Postoje mnogi jednostavni ljudi u Crkvi i svijetu kršćanstva koji čine malobrojna dobra djela, ali su ipak spašeni kroz svoju vjeru, u kojoj vjeruju da sam ja Stvoritelj svih stvari i Otkupitelj duša. Nema nikoga tko ne može razumjeti i vjerovati da sam Ja Bog ako razmotri kako zemlja donosi plodove i kako nebo daje kišu, kako drveće cvjeta, kako sve i svaka životinja postoji u svojoj vlastitoj vrsti, kako zvijezde služe čovjeku i kako nevolje i žalosti dolaze i često se događaju protiv čovjekove volje. Iz svih tih stvari čovjek može shvatiti kako je smrtan i kako postoji Bog koji uređuje sve stvari i upravlja njima. Jer da Bog ne postoji, sve bi bilo neorganizirano. Dakle, sve su stvari od Boga i sve je razumno uređeno za upotrebu i znanje čovječanstva. I nema niti najmanje stvari koja je stvorena ili postoji na svijetu bez razumljivog razloga. Stoga, ako čovjek ne može razumjeti ili shvatiti Moje kreposti i moći takve kakve jesu zbog svojih slabosti, on ih ipak može vidjeti svojom vjerom i vjerovati. No ako vi, ljudi na svijetu, ne želite koristiti svoj razum kako biste razmatrali Moju moć, još uvijek možete koristiti svoje ruke kako biste dodirnuli i osjetili djela koja smo Ja i Moji sveci napravili. Ona su, naime, tako očigledna da nitko ne može sumnjati u to da su ta djela Božja. Tko je uskrsnuo mrtve i dao vid slijepima ako ne Bog? Tko je istjerao zle đavle iz ljudi ako ne Bog? Što sam Ja poučavao osim stvari koje su korisne za blagostanje duše i tijela te lake za podnošenje? Ali ono što je rekao prvi čovjek znači da neki ljudi govore: 'Poslušajmo i iskušajmo jesu li Njegove riječi istinite.' Oni budu neko vrijeme u Mojoj službi, ali ne radi ljubavi ili milosrđa, već kao eksperiment i kao oponašanje drugih; oni se ne odriču svoje volje, već koriste svoju uz Moju. Oni su u opasnom položaju jer žele služiti dvojici gospodara iako nijednom ne mogu služiti dobro. Kada oni budu pozvani, nagradit će ih onaj gospodar kojeg su najviše voljeli. Ono što je drugi čovjek rekao znači da neki ljudi govore: 'Sve su njegove riječi lažne i Pismo je lažno.' Ja sam Bog i Stvoritelj svih stvari i bez Mene ništa nije stvoreno. Ja sam postavio Novi i Stari zakon: oni su izašli iz Mojih usta i u njima nema neistinitosti jer Ja sam Istina. Stoga, oni koji kažu da sam govorio lažno i da je Sveto pismo lažno, nikad neće vidjeti Moje lice; jer im njihova savjest govori da sam Ja istinski Bog, budući da se sve stvari događaju po Mojoj volji i naredbama. Nebo im daje svjetlost, oni sebi sami ne mogu dati nikakvu svjetlost. Zemlja rodi plodovima, zrak čini zemlju plodnom, sve životinje imaju vlastite odredbe, đavli Me se boje i priznaju da sam Ja Bog, a pravedni ljudi trpe nevjerojatne patnje zbog svoje ljubavi prema Meni. Oni vide sve te stvari, a ipak još uvijek ne vide Mene. Oni bi također mogli vidjeti Mene i razumjeti moju pravdu kad bi razmotrili i promislili o tome kako je zemlja progutala bezbožnike i kako je vatra proždrla nepravedne. Također bi Me mogli vidjeti u Mojoj milosti kada je voda potekla iz stijene za pravedne ili kada su se morske vode razdvojile za njih, kada je vatra izbjegla ozlijediti ih ili kada im je nebo poput zemlje davalo hranu. Zato što vide sve ove stvari i još uvijek kažu da sam Ja lažac, oni nikada neće vidjeti Moje lice. Ono što je rekao treći čovjek znači da neki ljudi kažu: 'Mi u potpunosti znamo da je On istinski Bog, ali mi za to ne marimo.' Ti će ljudi patiti i biti mučeni vječno, jer oni preziru Mene, koji sam njihov Bog i Gospodin. Zar nije veliko neobaziranje od njih kad koriste Moje dobre darove pa ipak odbijaju služiti Mi? Jer da su oni zaradili te stvari svojom vlastitom marljivošću, a ne ih u cjelini i potpuno dobili od Mene, njihov prezir bio bi malen. No dat ću svoju milost onima koji počnu okretati Moj teret, što znači onima koji dragovoljno i sa strastvenom žudnjom pokušavaju učiniti mala dobra koja mogu. Ja ću raditi s ljudima koji će podizati Moje terete, to jest s onima koji će napredovati u dobrim djelima dan za danom iz ljubavi prema Meni, i Ja ću biti njihova snaga i prosvijetliti ih tako da će željeti činiti više dobra. No oni koji sjede na mjestu koje se čini kao da ih peče i bode, ali je zapravo najmirnije, oni strpljivo rade dan i noć ne umarajući se, sve više raspirujući vatru u Moju čast i misleći da je to što čine za Mene vrlo maleno. Oni su Moji najdraži prijatelji i ima ih vrlo malo, jer su drugima mnogo slađa pića koja su našli u drugoj riznici.“ O tome kako je nevjesta vidjela sveca koji je razgovarao s Bogom o ženi koju đavao bijaše strašno mučio i koja je od njega bila oslobođena kroz molitve slavne Djevice Marije. 16. poglavlje Nevjesta vidje sveca koji govoraše Bogu, rekavši: „Zašto je duša ove žene tako mučena od đavla kad si ju otkupio svojom krvlju?“ Đavao odmah odgovori i reče: „Zato što je moja s pravom.“ Onda naš Gospodin reče: „Po kojem je pravu ona tvoja?“ Đavao odgovori: „Postoje dva puta; jedan vodi u Kraljevstvo nebesa i drugi u pakao. Kad ona vidje ta dva puta, njezina savjest i razum rekoše joj da bi trebala odabrati moj put. I kako je imala slobodnu volju da odabere put koji je željela, njoj je izgledalo korisnije okrenuti svoju volju prema činjenju grijeha pa je tako počela ići mojim putem. Nakon toga, prevario sam je trima grijesima: poimence, proždrljivošću, ljubavi prema novcu i putenošću. Zato sada obitavam u njezinu trbuhu i njezinoj naravi te ju držim s pet ruku. Prvom rukom držim njezine oči, tako da neće vidjeti duhovne stvari. Drugom rukom držim njezine ruke, tako da neće činiti dobra djela. Trećom rukom držim njezina stopala, tako da neće hodati prema onome što je dobro. Četvrtom rukom držim njezin razum i razumijevanje, tako da se neće stidjeti griješiti. I petom rukom držim njezino srce, tako da se neće vratiti na pravi put kroz kajanje i pokoru. Onda Blažena Djevica Marija reče svojemu dragom Sinu: "Moj voljeni Sine, natjeraj ga da kaže istinu o stvarima koje ga želim pitati." Sin reče: "Ti si Moja Majka, Ti si Kraljica Nebesa i Majka milosti, Ti si utjeha duša u čistilištu onima i radost onih koji grade svoj put u svijetu; Ti si gospodarica anđela i Najsvetija pred Bogom, i Ti ujedno imaš vlast nad đavlom. Stoga zapovjedi đavlu što želiš i on će Ti odgovoriti." Potom Sveta Djevica Marija upita đavla, rekavši: "Reci mi, đavle, koju je namjeru imala ova žena prije nego što je ušla u crkvu?" Đavao joj odgovori: "Imala je namjeru suzdržati se od grijeha." Tada Djevica Marija reče đavlu: „Budući da ju je volja koju je prije imala odvela u pakao, reci mi sada kamo je vodi volja koju trenutačno ima – imenom, njezina volja da se suzdrži od grijeha?“ Đavao protiv volje odgovori: „Ta volja o suzdržavanju od grijeha vodi je prema Nebu.“ Onda Djevica Marija reče: „ Zato što si prihvatio da je tvoje opravdano pravo voditi je daleko s puta Svete crkve zbog njezine prijašnje volje da griješi, onda je sada pravo i opravdano da će ju njezina sadašnja volja voditi natrag u Crkvu i milosrđe Božje. Ali ću te sada, đavle, upitati još jedno pitanje. Reci mi, koju namjeru ona ima u svojem sadašnjem stanju savjesti?“ Đavao odgovori: „Ona u svojem umu ima grižnju savjesti zbog stvari koje je napravila, i veliku žalost, i odlučuje da nikad više neće počiniti takve grijehe, već se želi popraviti najviše što može.“ Potom Djevica Marija upita đavla: „Reci mi, mogu li ta tri grijeha, poimence putenost, proždrljivost i pohlepa, postojati u isto vrijeme kad i tri dobra djela grižnje savjesti, tuge i odluke osobe da se popravi?“ Đavao odgovori: „Ne.“ Sveta Djevica Marija zatim reče: „Stoga, reci mi, koja bi od njih trebala uteći i iščeznuti iz njezina srca, tri vrline ili tri poroka i grijeha; jer ti kažeš da oni ne mogu zauzimati isto srce ili mjesto zajedno.“ Đavao kaže: „Kažem da grijesi moraju otići.“ Onda Djevica Marija odgovori: „Stoga je put prema paklu za nju zatvoren i put prema Kraljevstvu nebeskom otvoren.“ Sada Sveta Djevica Marija dalje upita đavla: „Reci mi, ako je kradljivac čekao izvan nevjestine kuće i želio ju opljačkati i ugrabiti, što bi ženik trebao učiniti?“ Đavao odgovori: „Ako je ženik dobra i plemenita duha, on bi je trebao braniti i ugroziti svoj život radi njezina života.“ Onda Djevica Marija reče: „Ti si opaki razbojnik, a duša je nevjesta Mojega Sina, jer ju je On otkupio svojom vlastitom krvlju. Ti si je napao i uhvatio silom. Ali kako je Moj Sin ženik duše i Gospodin nad tobom, onda je za tebe pravo pobjeći pred njim.“ OBJAŠNJENJE Ta je žena bila bludnica. Ona se htjela vratiti svijetu jer ju je đavao mučio danju i noću tako jako da joj je vidljivo pritiskao oči te ju, naočigled mnogih, izvlačio iz kreveta. Sveta Brigita tada je rekla otvoreno, u nazočnosti i na uši mnogih vjerodostojnih ljudi: „Makni se, đavle, jer si dovoljno mučio i opsjedao ovo Božje stvorenje!“ Nakon što je to rekla, žena je ležala pola sata kao mrtva s očima prema zemlji, a potom ustala i rekla: „Uistinu, vidjeh đavla kako odlazi kroz prozor u jednom od najstrašnijih oblika, i čuh neki glas koji mi govori: 'Ti si uistinu oslobođena od đavla, ženo!'“ Od tog trenutka na dalje ta je žena bila slobodna od nemira i patnje te više nije bila mučena nečistim mislima i umrla je dobrom smrću. Riječi Gospodina našega Isusa Krista Njegovoj nevjesti u kojima uspoređuje grešnika s trima stvarima: poimence, s orlom, lovcem na divlje ptice i ratnikom. 17. poglavlje „Ja sam Isus Krist koji govori s tobom. Ja sam bio u utrobi Djevice kao istinski Bog i istinski čovjek, ali sam, ništa manje, bio s Ocem te upravljao i vladao svim stvarima iako sam bio u Djevici. Moj najkukavniji neprijatelj je poput tri stvari: prvo, on je kao orao koji leti zrakom dok ostale ptice lete ispod njega. Drugo, on je poput lovca na ptice koji nježno puše i svira sviralom namazanom ljepilom, čineći ptice očaranima njegovim pjesmama pa lete prema svirali i bivaju uhvaćene ljepilom. Treće, on je poput ratnika koji je prvi u svakoj bitci. On je poput orla, jer zbog svojega ponosa ne može podnijeti nikoga iznad sebe te ozljeđuje svakoga koga može dohvatiti svojim kandžama zlobe. Stoga ću odsjeći krila njegova nasilja i ponosa. Uklonit ću njegovu zlobu sa zemlje i predati ga u neugasivo kipući kotao, koji je patnja pakla, gdje će biti beskrajno mučen ako se ne popravi. On je također poput lovca na ptice jer privlači svakoga k sebi slatkim riječima i obećanjima, tako da svatko tko dođe k njemu bude uhvaćen prokletstvom i pogibijom te ne može pobjeći od toga. Stoga će ptice pakla uništiti njegove oči tako da nikad neće vidjeti Moju slavu, već samo vječnu tamu pakla. One će mu odsjeći uši tako da neće čuti riječi iz Mojih usta. Ispunit će ga s boli i gorčinom od pete do glave tako da će trpjeti mučenja jednako brojna kao i ljudi koje je odveo u prokletstvo. On je također poput ratnika koji je prvi u svemu zlom, nespreman da ikome oslobodi put, već odlučan da svakoga zgazi. Zato će on biti prvi u svakoj muci; njegova patnja stalno će se ponavljati i njegove jadikovke neće imati kraja. Ipak, moja milost spremna je za njega dokle god je njegova duša s njegovim tijelom.“ OBJAŠNJENJE Taj je čovjek bio vrlo moćan kralj koji je uvelike mrzio crkvu i svećenstvo te imao mnogo uvredljivih riječi za njih. Prethodno je otkrivenje o njemu, kao i sljedeće. Sin Božji reče: „O, svjetovni viteže, pitaj mudre što se dogodilo ponosnom Hamanu koji je prezirao Moje ljude. Nije li umro sramotno i beščasno? Tako se i ovaj čovjek ruga Meni i Mojim prijateljima. Kao što ljudi Izraela nisu oplakivali Hamanovu smrt, tako ni Moji prijatelji neće oplakivati njegovu smrt, nego će umrijeti najgorčom smrću ako se ne popravi.“ To mu se i dogodilo. Kristove riječi Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako u kući Božjoj treba biti poniznosti, kako takva kuća označava čistoću života, kako kuće i darovi trebaju biti davani samo iz pravedno stečenih dobara te kako vraćati pogrešno stečena dobra. 18. poglavlje „U Mojoj kući treba biti sva poniznost, koja je sada potpuno odbačena. Između muškaraca i žena morao bi biti čvrsti zid, jer iako Ja mogu braniti svakoga i držati ih bez zida, ipak zbog opreza i zbog đavlove lukavosti želim da zid dijeli te dvije kuće za stanovanje. Treba biti čvrst i ne vrlo visok, već umjereno. Prozori trebaju biti vrlo jednostavni i čisti, a krov umjereno visok, tako da se ne može vidjeti ništa što ne pripada poniznosti. Jer oni koji sada grade kuće, za Mene su poput zidara koji, kada vlasnik ili gospodar kuće uđe u nju, zgrabe ga za kosu i gaze pod svojim nogama; oni podižu prašinu i gaze zlato pod nogama. To je ono što sada mnogi Meni čine. Oni sakupljaju nečist, to jest grade prolazne i svjetovne stvari prema nebu, ali ne mogu mariti manje za duše koje su dragocjenije nego sve zlato. Ako želim doći k njima kroz svoje molitve ili dobre misli, oni Me zgrabe za kosu i gaze pod svojim nogama, odnosno vrijeđaju Me i smatraju Moja djela i Moje riječi vrijednima prezira poput nečisti. Sebe smatraju mnogo mudrijima. No ako žele izgraditi stvari za Mene i u Moju čast, prvo bi trebali izgraditi duše za Kraljevstvo nebesko. Onaj tko želi graditi Moju kuću treba, s najvećom preciznošću, voditi brigu da se niti jedan novčić ne da za tu kuću ako nije ispravno i pravedno zarađen. Doista postoje mnogi koji posve dobro znaju da su pogrešno pribavili dobra pa im ipak nije žao zbog toga, niti imaju volje za naknadu ili vraćanje ljudima koje su prevarili ili opljačkali, iako bi ih mogli vratiti i tako nadoknaditi nepravdu kad bi htjeli. No kako oni znaju i misle u sebi da ne mogu zadržati te stvari zauvijek, tako daju dio svojih pogrešno pribavljenih dobara za crkve i samostane kao da Me žele umiriti svojim poklonom. No ostala dobra koja su pravilno zarađena, oni zadržavaju za svoje potomke. To Me uistinu ne veseli. Onaj tko Mi želi ugoditi svojim darovima, trebao bi prvo imati volju postati bolji i popraviti se, a potom činiti dobra djela koja može. Također bi morao plakati i žaliti zbog svih zlih stvari i djela koja je počinio te potom nadoknaditi ako može; ako ne može, mora imati volju za nadoknađivanjem svih prijetvorno zarađenih dobara. On stoga treba posvetiti veliku pažnju tome da više nikad ne počini takve stvari. No ako nije moguće naći svakoga kome treba vratiti nezakonito zarađena dobra, onda bi ih on mogao dati Meni, jer Ja mogu isplatiti svakome ono što je njegovo. Ako on to ne može vratiti, ali ima namjeru poniziti se i popraviti preda Mnom sa slomljenim srcem, tada sam dovoljno bogat da bih mogao to nadoknaditi svima koji su bili prevareni, bilo u ovom svijetu, bilo u sljedećem koji tek dolazi. Želim ti objasniti značenje ove kuće koju želim sagraditi. To je kuća života u čistoći i Ja, koji sam stvorio sve stvari i kroz kojega su sve stvari stvorene i postoje, Ja sam njezin temelj. Postoje četiri zida ove kuće. Prvi je Moja pravednost, po kojoj ću suditi onima koji djeluju neprijateljski prema toj kući. Drugi je zid mudrost kojom ću prosvijetliti graditelje Moje kuće svojim znanjem i razumijevanjem. Treći je zid Moja snaga, kojom ću ih ojačati protiv đavlovih iskušenja. Četvrti je zid Moja milost, koju prima svatko tko moli za nju. U tom su zidu vrata milosti kroz koja će svatko tko moli za kuću, biti prihvaćen u nju. Krov ove kuće ljubav je kojom Ja prekrivam grijehe onih koji Me vole, tako da im neće biti suđeno za njihove grijehe. Prozor na krovu, s pomoću kojeg ulazi sunce, jest promišljanje i razmatranje Moje milosti, te kroz toplinu Mojega Božanstva ulazi i dolazi do graditelja kuće. No to da zid mora biti čvrst i širok znači da nitko nije sposoban potkopati Moje riječi ili ih zbaciti. To da zid mora biti umjerene visine znači da se Moja mudrost dijelom može shvatiti i uvidjeti, no nikad potpuno. Jednostavni, no čisti prozori znače da su Moje riječi jednostavne, no ipak kroz njih svjetlost božanskog znanja pada na svijet. Umjereno visok krov znači da će Moje riječi biti objavljene, ali na razumljiv način tako da se mogu lako shvatiti i razumjeti.“ Riječi našeg Boga i Stvoritelja Njegovoj nevjesti o veličanstvenosti Njegove snage, mudrosti i kreposti te o tome kako oni, koje se sad naziva moćnima i mudrima, najviše griješe protiv Njega. 19. poglavlje „Ja sam Stvoritelj nebesa i zemlje. Imam tri osobine: Ja sam najmoćniji, najmudriji i najkreposniji. Ja sam, naime, toliko moćan da Me svi anđeli na Nebu slave, demoni u paklu ne usude se podignuti pogled prema Meni, a svi elementi pokoravaju se Mojim zapovijedima. Ja sam također toliko mudar da nitko ne može mjeriti dubinu Moje mudrosti niti ju razumjeti, i imam tako velik uvid da znam sve što je bilo i sve što će biti. Ja sam uz to toliko razuman da niti jedan mali crv, ili bilo koja druga životinja, koliko god ružno mogla izgledati, nije stvorena bez razloga. Također sam toliko krepostan da sve dobro teče iz Mene kao iz dobrog izvora, i sva slatkoća proizlazi iz Mene kao iz dobrog vina. Zato nitko ne može biti tako moćan, mudar niti krepostan bez Mene. I zato moćni ljudi svijeta vrlo mnogo griješe protiv Mene, jer Ja sam im dao snagu i moć kako bi me mogli hvaliti i slaviti: no oni su čašću nagradili sebe, kao da je imaju od sebe. Ti jadni nesretnici ne shvaćaju svoju vlastitu bespomoćnost: jer da sam Ja na njih poslao i najmanju bolest, oni bi smjesta klonuli i sve bi im postalo bezvrijedno. Pa kako bi se onda oni mogli suprotstaviti Mojoj snazi i moći ili vječnim mukama? No čak i više oni, za koje se sada govori da su mudriji od ostalih, griješe protiv Mene. Jer ja sam im dao umne snage, razumijevanja i mudrosti kako bi me mogli voljeti, no oni ne žele razumjeti ništa drugo osim onog što je za njihovo privremeno dobro i pohlepu. Oni imaju oči na stražnjoj strani svojih glava i gledaju samo na svoje vlastite požude i zadovoljstva te su tako slijepi u služenju Meni da ne zahvaljuju Meni, koji sam im sve dao. Jer nitko, ni dobar ni loš, ne bi mogao razumjeti išta bez Mene, iako Ja dopuštam opakima da svoju volju usmjere svojim žudnjama. Štoviše, nitko ne može biti krepostan bez Mene. Zato sada mogu upotrijebiti riječi izreke koju svatko obično navodi: 'Strpljivog čovjeka svatko prezire.' Zbog toga Me čovječanstvo sada vidi kao sasvim ludog zbog Moje strpljivosti, i zato Me sada svatko prezire. Ali jao njima kada Moje vrijeme strpljenja prođe i kada budu upoznali Moj sud! Oni će tada preda Mnom biti poput blata koje pada u najdublje dubine i ne zaustavlja se dok ne dođe do najnižeg dijela pakla.“ Ugodan razgovor između Djevice Majke i Sina te s nevjestom, i o tome kako bi se nevjesta trebala pripremiti za vjenčanje. 20. poglavlje Majka Božja, Djevica Marija, pojavi se govoreći svojemu Sinu: „O, Moj Sine, ti si Kralj slave. Ti si gospodar iznad svih gospodara. Ti si stvorio nebo i zemlju i sve stvari u njima. Stoga, neka se svaka Tvoja želja ispuni, neka bude sva Tvoja volja!“ Sin odgovori: „Jedna drevna izreka kaže da ono što netko mlad nauči u svojoj mladosti, čuva za svoju starost. Tako si i Ti, Moja draga Majko, od svoje mladosti naučila slijediti Moju volju i predati svu svoju volju radi Mene. Zato si napravila dobro kad si rekla: 'Neka mi bude po volji Tvojoj.' Ti si poput dragocjenog zlata koje je stavljeno na tvrdi nakovanj i kovano, jer Ti si bila kovana svakom vrstom nevolje, a kroz Moju patnju ti si podnijela više boli nego itko ikad prije. Jer kad je Moje srce prepuklo od nasilne boli i gorčine na križu, i Tvoje srce bilo je ranjeno kao najoštrijim čelikom, a Ti bi dopustila i da bude rasječeno na komade da je takva bila Moja volja. Ali čak i da si bila u mogućnosti zaustaviti Moju patnju i zahtijevati Moj život, ipak nisi to željela ako to nije bila Moja volja. Zato si dobro napravila kad si rekla: 'Neka bude volja Tvoja.'“ Nakon toga Djevica Marija reče nevjesti Božjoj: „Nevjesto Mojega Sina, ljubi Mojega Sina jer On voli tebe, i časti Njegove svece koji stoje u Njegovoj nazočnosti, jer oni su poput bezbrojnih zvijezda čija se svjetlina i blistavost ne mogu usporediti ni sa kojim svjetovnim svjetlom. Kao što svjetlost svijeta odudara od tame, još i više svjetlo svetaca odudara od svjetla ovog svijeta. Uistinu, kažem ti da, kad bi se sveci mogli vidjeti u njihovoj blistavosti kakvi zaista jesu, nijedno ljudsko oko ne bi moglo počivati na njima ne izgubivši vid i život.“ Nakon toga Sin Božji govoraše svojoj nevjesti i reče: „Moja nevjesto, trebala bi imati četiri osobine: prvo, trebala bi biti spremna za vjenčanje s Mojim Božanstvom u kojem se ne može naći tjelesnih požuda, već samo najslađa duhovna žudnja, ona koja je dolična Bogu da je ima s kreposnom dušom. Ljubav prema tvojoj djeci, tvojim prijateljima ili tvojim privremenim posjedom ne bi te smjela odvlačiti od Moje ljubavi. Neka se ne dogodi tebi ono što se dogodilo onim lakomislenim djevicama koje nisu bile spremne kad ih je gospodar htio pozvati na vjenčanje pa zato više nisu bile pozvane. Drugo, trebaš vjerovati Mojim riječima, jer Ja sam Istina i iz Mojih usta nije nikad izašlo ništa osim istine te nitko u Mojim riječima ne može naći ništa osim istine. Katkad ono što kažem ima neko duhovno značenje, a katkad mislim izričito ono što riječi kažu pa Moje riječi moraju biti shvaćene takve kakve jesu, bez ikakva tumačenja. Stoga Me nitko ne može s pravom optužiti za laganje. Treće, trebaš biti pokorna kako bi napravila pravednu pokoru i popravila se u svim dijelovima tijela kojima si griješila; jer iako sam milosrdan, neću se suzdržati od pravde. Stoga se pokori s poniznošću i zadovoljstvom onima prema kojima si obvezna pokoravati se, tako da ne činiš čak ni stvari koje izgledaju korisne i razumne za tebe ako su protivne pokornosti. Jer bolje je predati svoju volju radi pokornosti, čak i kad je dobra, te slijediti volju svoga nadređenog sve dotle dok to ne ide protiv spasenja duša ili je na bilo koji drugi način nerazumno. Četvrto, trebaš biti ponizna, jer ti si združena u duhovnom braku. Stoga budi ponizna i skromna pri dolasku tvojega ženika. Tvoja sluškinja treba biti trezvena i suzdržana, što znači da se tvoje tijelo mora suzdržavati od svih prekomjernih stvari i biti dobro disciplinirano. Jer ti ćeš postati plodna duhovnim potomstvom za korist i dobro mnogih, baš kao što se izdanak kalemi na suhu stabljiku i učini da stabljika procvjeta; tako ćeš ti kroz Moju milost nositi plodove i cvjetati. Moja će te milost veseliti i opijati, i cijelo će se mnoštvo u Raju radovati zbog slatkog vina koje ću ti Ja dati. Ne smije ti nedostajati povjerenja u moju dobrotu. Uvjeravam te da ćeš se ti, baš kao što su se Zaharija i Elizabeta radovali u svojim dušama neizrecivom radošću zbog obećanja o budućem djetetu, radovati zbog Moje milosti koju ti želim dati, a usto će se i drugi radovati kroz tebe. S njima dvojima, Zaharijom i Elizabetom, razgovarao je anđeo; ali Ja, Bog i Stvoritelj anđela, želim govoriti tebi. Njih dvoje, Zaharija i Elizabeta, rodili su Mojega najdražeg prijatelja Ivana, no želim da Mi se mnogo sinova rodi kroz tebe, ne od tijela, već od duha. Uistinu, kažem ti, Ivan je bio poput trske ili cvijeta punog slatkoće i meda, jer nikad nije ništa nečisto ili prekomjerno ušlo u njegova usta i nikad nije primio životne potrepštine više od onoga koliko je trebao. Ni sjeme nikad nije izašlo iz njegova tijela i zato ga se s pravom može zvati anđelom i djevcem, zbog božanskoga života koji je živio.“ Riječi ženika Njegovoj nevjesti u kojima je najizvrsnija prispodoba o čarobnjaku, kojom je đavao domišljato označen i opisan. 21. poglavlje Ženik Kraljevstva nebeskog, Isus, govoraše svojoj nevjesti u prispodobi prikazavši primjer žabe i reče: 'Bijaše jednom vračar koji je imao najsjajnije zlato. Običan i ugodan čovjek dođe k njemu i poželi kupiti to zlato od njega. Vračar reče tom čovjeku: 'Nećeš dobiti to zlato osim ako mi ne daš bolje zlato i u većoj količini.' Čovjek reče: 'Imam toliku veliku želju za tvojim zlatom da ću ti radije dati što želiš nego da ga izgubim.' Onda dade vračaru bolje zlato i u većoj količini te primi sjajno zlato od njega i stavi ga u sanduk, misleći kako će sebi od njega napraviti prsten za svoj prst. Nakon kratkog vremena vračar priđe tom običnom čovjeku i reče: 'Zlato koje si kupio od mene i stavio u svoju kutiju nije zlato, kako si mislio, nego najružnija žaba. Ona je bila čuvana u mojoj škrinji i hranjena mojom hranom. A kako bi ti to provjerio i znao da je to istina, možeš otvoriti sanduk i vidjet ćeš kako će žaba skočiti u moju škrinju gdje se čuvala.' Kad je čovjek htio otvoriti sanduk i provjeriti je li to bila istina, u sanduku se pojavi žaba. Poklopac sanduka bijaše visio na četiri šarke koje su bile pred to da se uskoro slome i otpadnu. Čim je poklopac sanduka bio otvoren, žaba spazi vračara i skoči u njegov sanduk. Kad sluge i prijatelji tog običnog čovjeka to bijahu vidjeli, rekoše mu: 'Gospodaru, najfinije zlato u toj je žabi, a ako ga želiš, lako možeš doći do njega.' Čovjek im reče: 'Kako ga mogu dobiti?' Oni mu odgovoriše: 'Da netko uzme oštro i usijano koplje te ga ubode u šuplji dio u žabinim leđima, brzo bi izvadio zlato van. No ako on ne može naći nikakvu šupljinu u žabi, onda bi trebao, s najvećom snagom i naprezanjem, zariti svoje koplje u nju pa ćeš tako dobiti natrag zlato koje si kupio.' Tko je taj vračar ako ne đavao, potičući i savjetujući čovječanstvo na tjelesne požude i počasti, što nije ništa drugo nego ispraznost i uništenje? On obećava da je lažno istinito i čini da istinito izgleda kao da je lažno. On posjeduje to najdragocjenije zlato, što je zapravo duša, koju sam Ja, kroz Moju božansku moć, stvorio dragocjenijom od svih zvijezda i planeta. Ja sam je stvorio besmrtnom i neprolaznom i Meni dražom od ičega te sam za nju pripremio mjesto vječnog počinka sa Mnom. Otkupio sam je od nasilja đavla boljim i vrjednijim zlatom kad sam dao svoje vlastito tijelo za nju, čisto od bilo kakvog grijeha, te trpio tako gorku muku da niti jedan od Mojih udova nije bio bez boli. Smjestio sam otkupljenu dušu u tijelo kao u sanduk do vremena kad ću je dovesti u nazočnost svoje božanske časti i slave u Kraljevstvo nebesko. Ali sada otkupljena duša čovjeka postade poput najružnije i bestidne žabe, skačući u svojoj bahatosti i živeći u nečisti kroz svoju putenost. Ona je od Mene uzela Moje zlato, to jest svu Moju pravdu. Zato Mi đavao može s pravom reći: 'Zlato koje si kupio nije zlato nego žaba, hranjena u škrinji moje požude. Stoga odvoji tijelo od duše i vidjet ćeš da će skočiti ravno u škrinju moje požude u kojoj se hranila.' Moj odgovor je ovo: 'Budući da je žabu odvratno gledati, užasno slušati, da je na dodir otrovna te da Mi ne donosi nikakvo dobro, niti zadovoljstvo ili utjehu, već to čini samo tebi, u čijoj je škrinji uzgajana, možeš ju imati jer je po pravu tvoja. I kada se vrata otvore, to jest kad se duša odvoji od tijela, ona će letjeti ravno k tebi da bi ostala s tobom za svu vječnost.' Takva je duša čovjeka o kojoj ti govorim. Ona je zaista poput najbezvrjednije žabe, pune nečistoće i požude, uzgajane u đavlovoj škrinji. Njenom sanduku, to jest njegovu tijelu Ja se približavam kako mu dolazi smrt. Sanduk visi na četiri šarke koje će uskoro otpasti, jer njegovo se tijelo podupire četirima stvarima: poimence, snagom, ljepotom, mudrošću i vidom, koji su svi sada počeli slabjeti i iščezavati za njega. Kad se njegova duša počne odvajati od njegova tijela, ona smjesta leti k đavlu na čijem je mlijeku uzgojena, to jest na njegovoj požudi, jer je zaboravila Moju ljubav iz koje sam preuzeo na sebe patnju i bol koju je ona zaslužila. Ona ne uzvraća ljubavlju na Moju ljubav i uskraćuje Mi Moje vlasništvo na koje imam pravo, jer bi Me trebala voljeti više nego ikoga zato što sam je otkupio. No ona nalazi veće zadovoljstvo u đavlu. Glas njezine molitve je poput glasa žabe, a njezina pojava odbojna je i odvratna u Mojim očima. Njezine uši neće nikad čuti Moju radost, a njezina otrovana osjetila nikad neće osjetiti Moje Božanstvo. No Ja sam još uvijek milosrdan i ako bi itko dotakao svoju dušu, čak iako je nečista, te ju ispitao kako bi vidio ima li u njoj imalo grižnje savjesti ili dobre volje, i zabio oštro i goruće koplje u svoj um, što znači strah od Mojega teškog suda, onda bi još uvijek mogao naći Moju milost ako bi Me samo htio slušati. A ako u njemu i nema grizodušja i ljubavi, još uvijek ima nade ako ga netko probode oštrim i gorkim popravljanjem i strogim prekoravanjem. Jer dok god duša živi s tijelom, Moja je milost otvorena i spremna za svakoga. Stoga razmotri kako sam Ja umro zbog svoje ljubavi, a ipak Mi nitko ne uzvraća ljubavlju, nego Mi čak i oduzimaju ono što po pravu pripada Meni; jer bilo bi uistinu pravedno da ljudi popravljaju svoje živote razmjerno boli i patnji za njihovo otkupljenje. No sada oni žele živjeti još gore, razmjerno gorkoj boli i smrti koje sam trpio kad sam ih otkupljivao; i što im više pokazujem mrskost i ružnoću grijeha, oni još drskije žele griješiti. Gledaj zato i razmatraj kako se Ja ne razljutim bez razloga, jer oni su promijenili Moju milost u gnjev. Ja sam ih otkupio od grijeha, a oni se još više predaju grijehu. Ali ti, moja nevjesto, daj Mi ono što si Mi obvezana dati, odnosno čuvaj svoju dušu čistom za Mene, jer Ja sam umro za tebe kako bi je mogla očuvati čistom za Mene.“ Najljepše pitanje Majke za nevjestu, ponizni odgovor nevjestin Majci i Majčin koristan odgovor nevjesti, te o poboljšavanju dobrih ljudi među zlima. 22. poglavlje Majka Božja govoraše nevjesti svoga Sina, rekavši: „Ti si nevjesta Mojega Sina. Reci Mi što ti je na umu i za što moliš.“ Nevjesta odgovori: „Moja Gospo, ti to vrlo dobro znaš, jer znaš sve stvari.“ Onda Sveta Djevica reče: „Iako ja znam sve stvari, voljela bih čuti kako Mi govoriš dok oni koji stoje ovdje nazočni slušaju.“ Nevjesta kaže: „Moja Gospo, bojim se dviju stvari: Prvo, zbog svojih grijeha, zbog kojih ne plačem niti se popravljam koliko bih htjela. Drugo, žalosna sam jer su neprijatelji Tvojega Sina tako brojni.“ Onda Djevica Marija odgovori: „Za ovo prvo dajem ti tri lijeka: Prvo, promisli o tome kako sve stvari koje imaju duh, kao što su žabe i druge životinje, katkad imaju nevolje, a ipak njihovi duhovi ne žive vječno već umiru s tijekom. No tvoja duša i svaka ljudska duša živi zauvijek. Drugo, misli o milosti Božjoj, jer nema čovjeka koji je toliko grešan da njegov grijeh nije odmah oprošten ako samo moli za Božji oprost s namjerom da se popravi i s istinskim kajanjem za svoje prijašnje grijehe. Treće, misli i predočavaj si kako je velika slava duše kada živi zauvijek s Bogom i u Bogu. I za ovo drugo, naime, to kako su Božji neprijatelji tako brojni, dajem ti tri lijeka: Prvo, razmotri kako je tvoj Bog i tvoj i njihov Stvoritelj i sudac nad njima, te da Mu oni nikada neće ponovno suditi, iako On sada strpljivo i privremeno podnosi njihovu zlobu. Drugo, razmotri kako su oni sinovi prokletstva i kako će za njih biti teško i nepodnošljivo gorjeti u paklu za cijelu vječnost. Oni su poput najopakijih sluga koji će izgubiti nasljedstvo Kraljevstva nebeskog, dok će sinovi uživati nasljedstvo. No sada ćeš možda reći: 'Ne bi li im tko trebao propovijedati?' Da, svakako bi im se trebalo propovijedati! Razmisli kako se često dobri ljudi nađu među zlima, a kako se sinovi zla katkad okrenu od dobra, baš kao rastrošni sin koji je zatražio svoj dio nasljedstva od svojega oca i otišao u udaljeno kraljevstvo te živio zlim životom. No katkad ih kroz propovijedanje obuzme grižnja savjesti i vraćaju se Ocu, a Njemu su još više dobrodošli, kao da nikad nisu griješili. Stoga bi se posebice njima trebalo propovijedati, jer iako propovjednik vidi skoro samo zle ljude, on ipak u sebi misli: 'Možda su među njima neki koji će postati sinovi Mojega Gospodina; zato ću propovijedati njima.' Ova vrsta propovjednika primit će najveću nagradu. Treće, razmotri kako je pokvarenima življenje dopušteno kao jedna proba za dobro, tako da, ako su ožalošćeni zbog ponašanja pokvarenih, mogu biti nagrađeni plodom strpljivosti, kako ćeš to bolje razumjeti kroz sljedeću prispodobu. Ruža slatko miriši, lijepa je za gledanje, meka na dodir, a ipak raste samo među trnjem koje je oštro na dodir, strašno za gledanje te nema ugodan miris. Slično tome, dobri i pravedni ljudi, iako su blagi u svojoj strpljivosti, divni u svojim vrlinama te slatko mirišu svojim dobrim primjerom, ipak ne mogu biti usavršeni ili iskušani osim među zlima. Ponekad trn štiti ružu da ne bi bila ubrana prije nego što procvjeta; slično tome, zli daju dobrima prigodu i razlog da ne posrnu u grijeh, a katkad su dobri ograničeni njihovom zlobom tako da ne padnu u neskromno veselje ili požudu ili bilo koji drugi grijeh. Vino nikada neće postati dobro ako nije spremljeno kako bi se talog slegnuo, niti će dobri i pravedni zadržati i napredovati u vrlinama ako nisu iskušani napastima i progonima od strane nepravednih. Zato drage volje podnosi neprijatelje Mojeg Sina i upamti da je On njihov sudac te ih da On, ako pravda traži da ih se sve uništi, može sve istrijebiti u trenutku. Zato ih podnosi dok god ih On podnosi.“ Riječi Krista Njegovoj nevjesti o prijetvornom čovjeku, koji se zove neprijatelj Boga, te o njegovu licemjerju i svim njegovim osobinama. 23. poglavlje „Taj se čovjek ljudima pokazuje kao dobro odjeven, snažan i privlačan čovjek, koji je hrabar u bitci svojega Gospodina, no kad se s njegove glave skine kaciga, on je ružan i odvratan za gledanje te neupotrebljiv za rad. Njegov mozak izgleda ogoljen. Njegove uši su mu na čelu i oči u njegovu vratu. Njegov je nos rascijepljen, a oba obraza upala kao u mrtvog čovjeka. Na desnoj strani njegova brada i pola njegovih usana otpali su, tako da na desnoj strani nije ostalo ničeg osim grla koje izgleda potpuno nepokriveno. Njegova su prsa puna gmižućih crva, a ruke poput dviju zmija. Najotrovniji škorpion živi u njegovu srcu. Njegova su leđa poput nagorjelog ugljena. Njegova je utroba smrdljiva i trula poput gnojem prepunog nečistog mesa. Njegova su stopala mrtva i beskorisna za hodanje. Reći ću ti što ovo sve označava. Izvana on izgleda ljudima kao da se odlikuje dobrim navikama, mudrošću i hrabrošću u služenju i slavljenju Mene, no on nipošto nije takav. Jer ako se kaciga makne s njegove glave, odnosno kad bi se ljudima pokazalo kakav je zaista duhovno u svojoj duši, on bi bio ružniji od svih ljudi. Njegov je mozak ogoljen jer njegovi glupi običaji i nepristojnosti jasno pokazuju dobrim ljudima da on nije vrijedan takvih počasti. Jer da mu se Moja mudrost svidjela, on bi shvaćao koliko je njegova čast veća nego čast drugih, te bi se pomoću toga odjenuo u najstrože ponašanje i božanske vrline u usporedbi s drugima. Uši su mu na čelu jer, umjesto da ima poniznosti, zbog svojeg velikog dostojanstva, u tome što je svjetlosti za druge kako bi ih učio dobre stvari, on samo želi slušati o svojoj vlastitoj uzvišenosti i slavi, time postajući toliko ponosan da samo želi da ga svi zovu velikim i dobrim. On ima oči u svojem vratu jer su sve njegove misli okrenute prema sadašnjem umjesto prema vječnom. On misli o tome kako da ugodi ljudima i o zahtjevima tjelesnih potreba, ali ne kako može obradovati Mene i koristiti dušama. Njegov je nos rascijepljen jer je izgubio sve razumno rasuđivanje kako bi mogao vidjeti i razlikovati grijeh i krepost, svjetovnu i vječnu čast, svjetovna i vječna bogatstva, kratka zadovoljstva svijeta i vječna zadovoljstva. Njegovi su obrazi upali, što znači da je sve štovanje koje bi morao imati prema Meni, s ljepotom kreposti kojom bi Mene mogao obradovati, potpuno mrtvo za služenje Meni: jer on se srami griješiti pred ljudima, ali ne preda Mnom. Jedan je dio njegove jagodične kosti i usana otpao, tako da ništa nije ostalo osim njegova grla, jer je imitiranje Mojega djelovanja i propovijedanje Mojih riječi, dodano božanskoj i vatrenoj molitvi, potpuno otpalo od njega, tako da ništa nije ostalo osim njegova proždrljivog grla. Ali imitirati pokvarene i biti umiješan u svjetovne poslove njemu sveukupno izgleda zdravo i lijepo. Njegova prsa puna su crva, jer u njegovim prsima, gdje bi trebalo biti prisjećanje na Moju patnju te misli i razmatranja Mojih djela i zapovijedi, postoji samo briga za stvarima svijeta sa željom i pohlepom svijeta, koje su poput crva koji proždiru njegovu savjest, tako da on ne misli o duhovnim ili božanskim stvarima. U njegovu srcu, gdje bih Ja volio obitavati i gdje bi trebala biti Moja ljubav, sada sjedi najgori škorpion s oštrim repom te primamljivim licem i jezikom; jer ugodne i razborite riječi izlaze iz njegovih usta, ali njegovo srce puno je nepravde i prijevare, zato što ne brine ako Crkva koju on nadgleda bude uništena dok god on može ostvarivati svoju volju. Njegove su ruke poput dviju zmija, jer u svojoj zlobi on pruža svoje ruke prema prostodušnima i zove ih k sebi s jednostavnošću, ali čim dobije prikladnu prigodu, on uzrokuje njihov kukavni pad. Poput zmije on se smota u prsten, jer skriva svoju zlobu i nepravednost tako da jedva itko može shvatiti njegove izdajničke planove. U Mojim očima on je poput najopakije zmije, jer kao što je zmija gnjusnija nego ijedna druga životinja, tako je i on ružniji u Mojim očima nego ijedan drugi čovjek, jer on ne računa na Moju pravdu i smatra da sam poput čovjeka koji ne želi pravedno suditi. Njegova su leđa poput ugljena, a trebala bi biti poput slonovače, jer bi njegova djela trebala biti moćnija i čišća od drugih kako bi mogao bolje nositi slabe kroz svoju strpljivost i svoj primjer dobrog života. No on je sada poput ugljena jer je previše nestrpljiv da bi mogao podnijeti jednu riječ u Moju čast osim ako od toga nema koristi. Pa ipak on svijetu izgleda moćno. Stoga, kad on misli da stoji, past će jer je za Mene i Moje svece odvratan i beživotan poput ugljena. Njegova utroba zaudara jer Meni njegove misli i žudnje zaudaraju poput trulog mesa zadahom koji nitko ne može podnijeti. Niti jedan od Mojih svetaca ne podnosi ga, nego svi okreću lice od njega i traže sud za njega. Njegova su stopala mrtva. Njegova su dva stopala dva naloga za njega preda Mnom, a to je njegova volja da se popravi zbog grijeha koje je počinio i njegova volja da čini dobra djela. No ta su stopala potpuno mrtva u njemu jer je srž ljubavi u njemu potrošena i ništa nije ostalo u njemu osim otvrdnulih kostiju. I on tako stoji preda Mnom. Ipak, dok god je duša s tijelom, on može pronaći Moju milost.“ OBJAŠNJENJE Sveti Lovro pojavio se i rekao: „Kad sam ja bio na svijetu, imao sam tri stvari: svoju čistoću, milost za svoga susjeda i Božju ljubav. Stoga sam vatreno propovijedao riječ Božju, mudro raspodjeljivao dobra Crkve i s radošću trpio pokoru, vatru i smrt. Ali ovaj biskup podnosi i pravi se da ne primjećuje neumjerenost svećenstva te darežljivo raspodjeljuje dobra Crkve bogatima i pokazuje ljubav samo prema sebi i svojim vlastitim prijateljima. Zato mu ja proglašavam da se najlakši oblak upravo uzdigao prema nebesima, ali crni ga je dim prekrio tako da ga mnogi ne mogu vidjeti. Taj je oblak molitva Majke Božje za Svetu Crkvu. Plamen pohlepe, bezbožnosti i nepravednosti tako ga je pomračio da milost Majke Božje ne može lako ulaziti u srca nesretnih. Stoga neka se biskup brzo obrati u božansku ljubav ispravivši sebe i sebi podređene, koreći ih svojim dobrim primjerom i riječju te ih vodeći u bolji život. Ako ne bude tako, on će osjetiti ruku suca, koja je njegova osveta i pravda, a njegova će crkva biti očišćena vatrom i mačem te pogođena pljačkom i jadom, tako da će trebati mnogo vremena dok je netko ne utješi.“ Riječi Boga Oca pred vojskom Kraljevstva nebeskog te odgovor Sina i Majke Ocu na pitanje o milosti za kćer, to jest za Crkvu. 24. poglavlje Bog Otac govoraše dok je cijela vojska nebeska slušala, i reče: „Pred svima vama žalim se što je Moja kći predana čovjeku koji ju muči vrlo mnogo i bez mjere, lomeći njezina stopala u kladama tako teško da je sva moždina izašla iz njezinih stopala. “Sin mu odgovori: „Oče, ona je ta koju sam otkupio svojom krvlju i uzeo je sebi za ženu, ali sada je tako okrutno zlostavljana.“ Onda govoraše Majka Božja i reče: „Ti si moj Bog i moj Gospodin, i u Mojemu tijelu nalazili su se udovi Tvojega blagoslovljenog Sina, koji je Tvoj istinski Sin i Moj istinski Sin. Na zemlji Tebi ništa nisam odbila. Imaj milosti prema svojoj kćeri zbog Mojih molitvi.“ Nakon toga govorahu anđeli, rekavši: „Ti si naš Gospodin i Stvoritelj; u Tebi mi posjedujemo svaku dobru stvar i ne trebamo ništa doli Tebe. Mi smo se svi radovali kada si objelodanio svoju nevjestu, ali sada smo s pravom žalosni jer je ona predana u ruke najgorem čovjeku koji ju vrijeđa svim vrstama izrugivanja i zlostavljanja. Imaj milosrđa prema njoj radi svojega velikog milosrđa, jer njezina je nevolja velika, i nema nikoga drugoga tko bi je utješio i spasio osim Tebe Gospodine, Bože Svemogući.“ Potom Bog Otac odgovori Sinu, rekavši: „O moj Sine, Tvoje tugovanje je Moje tugovanje, Tvoja riječ je Moja riječ, Tvoja djela Moja djela. Ti si u Meni i Ja sam u Tebi nerazdvojivo. Budi volja Tvoja!“ Nakon toga On reče Majci Sina: „Budući da Me nisi ni u čemu odbila na zemlji, neću Ti odbiti ništa na nebu i Tvoja će se volja ispuniti.“ Tada On reče anđelima: „Vi ste Moji prijatelji, a vatra vaše ljubavi gori u Mojem srcu. Zato ću zbog vaših molitvi imati milosti prema svojoj kćeri.“ Riječi Stvoritelja Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako Njegova pravda podnosi zle ljude zbog trostrukog razloga i kako Njegova milost štedi zlo zbog trostrukog razloga. 25. poglavlje „Ja sam Stvoritelj nebesa i zemlje. Čudila si se, Moja nevjesto, zašto sam tako strpljiv sa zlima. To je zato što sam milosrdan: jer Moja pravda ih podnosi i pošteđuje zbog trostrukog razloga i Moje ih milosrđe pošteđuje zbog trostrukog razloga. Prvo, Moja ih pravda podnosi zato da njihovo vrijeme može biti u potpunosti dovršeno. Jednako kao što bi se pravednog kralja moglo pitati, ako drži nekoga utamničenog, zašto ga ne usmrti, a on odgovori: 'Zato što još nije vrijeme za istragu suda gdje ju se može čuti, jer bi oni koji čuju tako mogli biti upozoreni.' Tako Ja podnosim zle sve dok ne dođe vrijeme da njihovu zloću svi upoznaju. Nisam li Ja prorokovao Šaulovo odbijanje, da će biti protjeran iz svojeg kraljevstva te zbačen s prijestolja znatno prije nego što je to postalo poznato ljudima? A podnosio sam ga dugo vremena, kako bi se njegova zloba pokazala i dokazala drugima. Drugo, zbog malog broja dobrih djela koja zli naprave, za koja bi trebali biti nagrađeni čak i do zadnjeg novčića, neće biti ni najmanjeg dobra koje su napravili za Mene koje će proći nenagrađeno; ovdje će primiti svoju plaću za dobro koje su napravili. Treće, kako bi se otkrila Božja slava i strpljivost. Zbog tog sam razloga podnosio Pilata, Heroda i Judu iako su bili zli i prokleti. I ako se itko pita zašto podnosim ovu ili onu osobu, neka se osvrne na Judu i Pilata. Moje milosrđe također pošteđuje zle zbog trostrukog razloga: prvo, zbog Moje velike ljubavi, jer će njihova vječna muka biti duga. Iz toga razloga, zbog Moje velike ljubavi, podnosim ih do posljednjeg trenutka, tako da će njihova muka biti odgođena za dugo produljenje vremena ovdje na svijetu. Drugo, tako da bi njihovu narav potrošio grijeh, jer grijeh troši ljudsku narav, a oni bi doživjeli tjelesnu smrt mnogo gorče da je njihova narav zdravija i jača. Jer zdrava narav umire dužom i gorčom smrću. Treće, radi poboljšanja i snage dobrih ljudi te obraćenja nekih od zlih. Jer kad dobre i pravedne ljude muče zli, to koristi dobrima i pravednima jer im pomaže da se suzdrže od grijeha ili da zavrijede veću zaslugu. Slično tome, zli katkad žive za dobro drugih zlih osoba. Jer kada se zli osvrnu na pad, pokvarenost i gnjusna djela nekih ljudi, oni misle u sebi i kažu: 'Što nam dobroga čini slijediti ih ili živjeti poput njih? Dok god je naš Gospodin tako strpljiv, bolje nam je pokajati se.' I na taj način oni Mi se katkad vrate, jer se boje činiti stvari koje su ovi zli ljudi činili, a njihova im savjest govori kako ne bi trebali činiti te stvari. Zato je rečeno da, ako je nekoga ubo škorpion, on može biti izliječen pomazanjem uljem u kojem je uginuo drugi gmizavac. Na isti način katkad je neka zla osoba, koja vidi drugu osobu, također zlu, kako pada i zadržava svoju nepravednost i taštinu, pogođena kajanjem za svoje grijehe i izliječena milosrđem i milošću Boga. Riječi anđeoske vojske o slavi Boga, i o tome kako bi djeca bila rađana da prvi roditelji nisu sagriješili, i o tome kako je Bog pokazao čuda ljudima kroz Mojsija te također kasnije kroz sebe svojim vlastitim dolaskom; i o kvarnosti tjelesnog braka u ovo vrijeme, i uvjetima duhovnog braka. 26. poglavlje Anđeoska vojska viđena je kako stoji ispred Boga, i cijela je vojska govorila: „Hvaljen i slavljen budi Ti, Gospodine Bože, koji si bio i jesi bez kraja! Mi smo Tvoji sluge i mi Te hvalimo i slavimo iz trostrukog razloga: Prvo, zato što si nas Ti stvorio da se radujemo s Tobom i dao nam neopisivu svjetlost da se u njoj radujemo zauvijek. Drugo, zato što su sve stvari stvorene i održavane Tvojom dobrotom i postojanošću, i sve stvari stoje prema Tvojoj volji i opstaju kroz Tvoju riječ. Treće, zato što si stvorio čovječanstvo i utjelovio se u ljudskosti za njihovu dobrobit. Radujemo se u velikoj mjeri zbog te Ljudskosti te također zbog Tvoje najčednije Majke koja je bila dostojna nositi Tebe, kojega nebesa ne mogu pojmiti ni obuhvatiti. Stoga su Tvoja čast i blagoslov iznad svih stvari za dostojanstvo anđela koje si Ti uzvisio uvelike u slavi. Neka Tvoja beskrajna vječnost i postojanost budu nad svim stvarima koje jesu i mogu biti postojane! Neka Tvoja ljubav bude nad čovječanstvom koje si Ti stvorio! O, Gospodine Bože, Tebe se jedinog treba bojati zbog Tvoje silne moći, Tebe jedinog treba željeti zbog Tvoje silne ljubavi, Tebe jedinog treba voljeti zbog Tvoje postojanosti. Neka sva slava i čast budu Tvoje zauvijek bez kraja. Amen!“ Tad naš Gospodin odgovori: „Vi Me slavite dostojno za svako stvoreno stvorenje. Ali, recite Mi, zašto Me hvalite za čovječanstvo koje Me isprovociralo do gnjeva više nego ijedno drugo stvorenje? Stvorio sam ga plemenitijim i dostojanstvenijim od svih donjih stvorenja pod nebom, i jesam li za ikoga drugog trpio takve uvrede kao za čovječanstvo, i nitko nije otkupljen na tako velik trošak. Ili koje se stvorenje ne pridržava svoga stvorenog reda osim čovjeka? On mi nanosi više žalosti nego ijedno drugo stvorenje. Jer kao što sam stvorio vas da me slavite i štujete, tako sam stvorio i čovjeka da me poštuje. Dao sam mu tijelo kao duhovni hram, i stvorio sam i smjestio dušu u nj poput prekrasnog anđela, jer ljudska duša ima moć i snagu kao anđeo. U tom hramu Ja, Bog i Tvorac čovječanstva, želio sam biti poput trećega kako bi Me mogao uživati i nalaziti užitak u Meni. Tada sam mu stvorio drugi hram, sličan njegovu, od njegova rebra. Ali sada, Moja nevjesto, radi koje se sve ove stvari govore i pokazuju, mogla bi upitati kako bi djeca bila rađana od njih da nisu zgriješili? Ja ću ti odgovoriti: U istini, po ljubavi Božjoj i međusobnoj odanosti i uniji tijela, u čemu bi oboje bili zapaljeni iznutra, krv ljubavi posijala bi svoje sjeme u ženino tijelo bez ikakve sramotne požude, i tako bi žena postala plodna. Nakon što je dijete začeto bez grijeha i putene požude, Ja bih poslao dušu u dijete iz Mojega Božanstva i žena bi nosila dijete i rodila ga bez boli. Kada je dijete rođeno, bilo bi savršeno poput Adama kada je stvoren u početku. Ali ova je čast prezrena od čovjeka kada je poslušao đavla i poželio veću čast od one koju sam mu Ja dao. Nakon što je neposluh počinjen, Moj anđeo došao je nad njih i oni su se posramili svoje golotinje, i smjesta su iskusili požude i želje tijela, i otrpješe glad i žeđ. Tada su Me također izgubili, jer kada su Me imali, oni nisu osjećali nikakvu glad niti grešnu tjelesnu požudu ili sram, nego sam Ja sam bio sve njihovo dobro, i zadovoljstvo, i savršen užitak. Ali kada se đavao radovao nad njihovom propasti i padom, bio sam dirnut suosjećanjem prema njima i nisam ih napustio, nego im pokazao trostruku milost: Ja sam ih odjenuo kada su bili goli i dao im kruh iz zemlje. A za senzualnost koju je đavao u njima izazvao nakon njihova neposluha, dao sam i stvorio duše u njihovu sjemenu kroz Moje Božanstvo. I sve zlo kojim ih je đavao dovodio u iskušenje , okrenuo sam u dobro za njih u cijelosti. Nakon toga pokazao sam im kako živjeti i štovati Me, i dao sam im dopuštenje da imaju odnose, jer su prije Moje dozvole i proglasa Moje volje bili pogođeni strahom i bojali se ujediniti i imati odnose. Jednako tako, kada je Abel ubijen i bijahu u žalosti dugo vremena, promatrajući suzdržljivost, bio sam dirnut suosjećanjem i tješio ih. A kada su shvatili Moju volju, počeli su ponovno imati odnose i rađati djecu od koje Ja, njihov Stvoritelj, obećah da će obitelj biti rođena. Kada je obijest djece Adamove rasla, pokazah svoju pravdu grešnima, ali milost Mojim izabranicima; od ovih bijah smiren, tako da sam ih sačuvao od uništenja i podigao jer su se držali Mojih zapovijedi i vjerovali u Moja obećanja. Kada je došlo vrijeme milosti, pokazao sam svoja moćna čuda i djela kroz Mojsija i spasio svoj narod prema svom obećanju. Hranio sam ga anđeoskom manom i išao pred njim u stupu oblaka i vatre. Dao sam mu svoj Zakon i objavio svoje tajne i budućnost kroz svoje proroke. Nakon toga Ja, Stvoritelj svih stvari, izabrah za sebe djevicu rođenu od oca i majke, i jesam li od nje uzeo ljudsku narav i udostojio se biti rođen od nje bez grijeha. Baš kao što bi prva djeca bila rađana u raju kroz Božansku ljubav njihove očinske i majčinske uzajamne ljubavi i privrženosti bez ikakve sramotne žudnje, tako je Moje Božanstvo uzelo ljudskost od djevice bez ikakve sramotne žudnje i bez ometanja ili oštećenja njezine nevinosti. Došao sam u tijelu kao pravi Bog i čovjek i ispunio Stari Zavjet i sve spise baš kao što je to ranije bilo prorokovano o Meni, i uveo Novi Zavjet, jer je Stari Zavjet bio uzak i teško snošljiv i nije bio ništa doli predočenje budućih stvari koje dolaze. Budući da je u Starom Zavjetu bilo dopušteno čovjeku imati više žena kako ljudi ne bi ostali bez ijednog potomka, ili bi morali sklapati mješovite brakove s poganima. No, u Mom Novom Zavjetu dopušteno je jednom čovjeku imati jednu ženu, i zabranjeno mu je da za vrijeme njezina života ima nekoliko žena. Oni koji se ujedine u Božanskoj ljubavi i strahuju zbog rađanja i podizanja djece u čast Božju, Moji su duhovni hramovi gdje Ja želim stanovati kao treći s njima. Ali ljudi u ovom dobu spojeni su u brak zbog sedam razloga: Prvi, zbog ljepote lica. Drugi, zbog bogatstva. Treći, zbog tjelesnih ugoda vrijednih prezira i bestidnih užitaka koje dobivaju iz svojih nečistih odnosa. Četvrto, zbog gozbi sa svojim prijateljima i nekontrolirane proždrljivosti. Peto, zbog taštine u odijevanju i jelu, u šali i zabavi i igrama i drugim ispraznostima. Šesto, radi rađanja potomstva, ali ne kako bi ga podizali u čast Božju ili dobrih djela, nego radi svjetovnog bogatstva i časti. Sedmo, oni dolaze zajedno zbog požude i oni su poput grubih zvijeri u svojim pohotljivim željama. Oni dolaze na vrata Moje crkve s jednom mišlju i pristankom, ali sve su njihove želje i unutarnje misli potpuno protiv Mene. Oni radije provode svoju vlastitu volju, koja smjera na ugađanje svijetu, umjesto Moje volje. Kada bi sve njihove misli i želje bile usmjerene na Mene, i kada bi Mi povjerili svoju volju u Moje ruke i stupili u brak u strahu od Mene, tada bih im dao svoju suglasnost i bio poput trećeg s njima. Ali sada je Moj pristanak, koji bi trebao biti njihova najdragocjenija stvar, otišao od njih, jer oni imaju požudu u svom srcu, a ne Moju ljubav. Nakon toga oni odlaze na Moj oltar gdje čuju da bi trebali biti jedno srce i jedna duša, ali tada Moje srce bježi od njih, jer oni nemaju toplinu Moga srca i ne znaju okus Moga tijela. Oni traže toplinu i seksualne žudnje koje će nestati i vole tijelo koje će pojesti crvi. Stoga se takvi ljudi ujedinjuju u braku bez spone i saveza u Bogu Ocu, i bez Sinovljeve ljubavi i bez utjehe Duha Svetog. Kada par dolazi u krevet, Moj Duh ga smjesta napušta i duh bludnosti pristupa umjesto njega, jer oni samo dolaze zajedno zbog požude i ne raspravljaju ili ne razmišljaju o bilo čemu drugom jedno s drugim. Ali Moja milost još je uvijek s njima ako bi se oni preobratili Meni. Zbog svoje velike ljubavi, Ja polažem živu dušu stvorenu od Moje moći u njihovo sjeme. Katkad dopustim zlim roditeljima roditi dobru djecu, ali češće su zla djeca rođena od zlih roditelja jer ta djeca oponašaju zlo i nepravedna djela svojih roditelja koliko god su u stanju, i oponašala bi ih i više kad bi im Moje strpljenje dopuštalo. Takav bračni par neće nikada vidjeti Moje lice osim ako se ne pokaje. Jer ne postoji grijeh tako težak ili velik da ga pokora i obraćenje neće oprati. Zbog tog razloga želim se okrenuti duhovnom braku, vrsti koja je prikladna za Boga da je ima s čednom dušom i čednim tijelom. Postoji sedam dobrih stvari u njemu, za razliku od zala gore spomenutih: Prvo, ne postoji želja za ljepotom oblika, ili tjelesnom ljepotom ili požudnim prizorima, nego samo za nazočnošću i ljubavlju Božjom. Drugo, ne postoji želja za posjedovanjem ičega drugog osim onoga što je potrebno za preživljavanje, i samo najpotrebnije, ni sa čim u višku. Treće, oni izbjegavaju isprazne i bezvrijedne razgovore. Četvrto, oni ne mare za viđanja s prijateljima ili rođacima, nego sam Ja njihova ljubav i želja. Peto, oni žele zadržati poniznost u sebi, u svojoj savjesti, i izvana u načinu na koji se odijevaju. Šesto, oni nikada nemaju nikakve želje voditi požudan život. Sedmo, oni rađaju sinove i kćeri za njihova Boga kroz njihovo dobro ponašanje i dobar primjer i kroz propovijedanja duhovnih riječi. Oni čuvaju svoju vjeru neokaljanu kada stoje izvan vrata Moje crkve, gdje Mi daju svoj pristanak i Ja im dajem svoj. Oni idu do Moga oltara kada uživaju duhovnu radost Moga Tijela i Krvi, radost u kojoj oni žele biti jedno srce i jedno tijelo i jedna volja sa Mnom, a Ja, istinski Bog i čovjek, moćan na nebu i na zemlji, bit ću poput trećeg s njima i ispuniti njihova srca. Svjetovni supružnici započinju svoj brak u pohotnim željama kao grube zvijeri, pa čak i gore nego grube zvijeri! Ali ovi duhovni supružnici započinju u ljubavi i strahu od Boga i ne brinu se da ugode ikome osim Meni. Zao duh ispunjava i potiče one u svjetovnom braku na bludne žudnje gdje nema ničega do smrada nečista, ali oni u duhovnom braku ispunjeni su Mojim Duhom i zapaljeni vatrom Moje ljubavi koja ih nikada neće iznevjeriti. Ja sam jedan Bog u tri Osobe, i jedan u Božanstvu s Ocem i Svetim Duhom. Jednako kao što je nemoguće Ocu biti odvojen od Sina i Duhu Svetom biti odvojen od njih obojice, i kao što je nemoguće toplini da bude odvojena od vatre, tako je nemoguće ovim duhovnim supružnicima da budu odvojeni od Mene; Ja sam uvijek poput trećeg s njima. Jednom je Moje tijelo rastrgano i umrlo u mukama, ali nikada više neće biti ozlijeđeno ili umrijeti. Jednako tako, oni koji su sjedinjeni u Mene s istinskom vjerom i savršenom voljom nikada neće umrijeti daleko od Mene; jer gdje god oni stajali ili sjedili ili hodali, Ja sam uvijek kao treći s njima. Prirodno planiranje obitelji grešna je kontrola rađanja (PPO) Sveti Cezar iz Arlesa: „ ONOLIKO ČESTO KOLIKO UPOZNA SVOJU ŽENU BEZ ŽELJE ZA DJECOM… BEZ SUMNJE POČINJAVA GRIJEH.“ (W. Jurgens, Vjera Zemaljskih Očeva, Vol. 3: 2233) Papa Pio XI., Casti Connubii (#’s 53-56), Pro. 31, 1930: “Ali ni jedan razlog, koliko god težak, ne može biti stavljen ispred, putem kojeg bi išta suštinski protiv prirode moglo postati pokorno prirodi i moralnim dobrima. Budući da je stoga bračni čin namijenjen ponajprije, po prirodi, rađanju djece, oni koji konzumirajući ga namjerno izigravaju njegove prirodne moći i smjeraju grijehu protiv prirode, počinjavaju djelo koje je sramotno i suštinski pokvareno. “Malo ih se pita, u tu svrhu, ako Sveto Pismo svjedoči kako se Božansko Veličanstvo odnosi s najvećim gnušanjem prema ovom stravičnom zločinu i ima vremena kada ga je kažnjavalo smrću. Kako Sv. Augustin navodi, “Odnos čak i s vlastitom zakonitom ženom nezakonit je i grešan gdje je začeće potomaka spriječeno.” Onan, sin Judin, učinio je tako i Gospodin ga je ubio zato. U stvarnosti, argument protiv Prirodnog Planiranja Obitelji može biti sumiran vrlo lako. Katolička dogma uči nas da je primarna svrha braka (i bračnog čina) rađanje i odgajanje djece. Papa Pio XI., Casti Connubii (# 17), Pro. 31, 1930: “Primarni je cilj braka rađanje i odgajanje djece.” Papa Pio XI., Casti Connubii (# 17), Pro. 31, 1930: “Budući da je stoga bračni čin namijenjen ponajprije, po prirodi, rađanju djece, oni koji konzumirajući ga namjerno izigravaju njegove prirodne moći i smjeraju grijehu protiv prirode, počinjavaju djelo koje je sramotno i suštinski pokvareno.” „Stoga, dakle, otvoreno se odjeljivati od neprekinute kršćanske tradicije neki su nedavno osuđivali, moguće svečano, proglašenje druge doktrine po ovom pitanju, Katolička Crkva, kojoj je Bog povjerio obranu integriteta i čistoće morala, stoji uzdignuta usred moralnih ruševina koje ju okružuju, kako bi mogla očuvati čestitost bračne zajednice od okaljanja ovom prljavom mrljom, podiže svoj glas u znak svojega božanskog ambasadorstva i kroz naša usta naviješta ponovno: ikakvo korištenje, u bilo kojem obliku, braka konzumiranog na takav način da je čin namjerno izigran u svojoj prirodnoj moći stvaranja života je kazneno djelo protiv Božjeg zakona i prirode, i oni koji se upuštaju u njega su označeni krivim za težak grijeh. Stoga, iako se PPO neizravno upliće u sam bračni čin, kako njegovi branitelji vole isticati, to ne predstavlja nikakvu razliku. PPO je osuđen zato što podređuje primarni cilj (ili svrhu) braka i bračnog akta (rađanje i odgoj djece) sekundarnom cilju. PPO podređuje primarni cilj braka drugim stvarima, namjerno pokušava izbjeći djecu (tj. izbjeći primarni cilj) dok ima bračne odnose. PPO stoga preokreće red uspostavljen od Boga samoga. Čini upravo stvar za koju Papa Pio XI. svečano podučava kako ne može biti zakonito učinjena. I ova točka ruši sve argumente od strane onih koji brane PPO; jer su svi argumenti onih koji ih brane, usmjereni na bračni čin sam po sebi, dok slijepo ignoriraju činjenicu da ne predstavlja nikakvu razliku ako par ne dolazi u sukob sa samim činom, ukoliko podređuje i izigra primarnu SVRHU braka. Usprkos dostojanstvenim učenjima koja osuđuju Prirodno Planiranje Obitelji, jednostavna logika reći će katolicima da je to pogrešno. Ako je crkva osudila umjetnu kontracepciju zato što sprječava začeće potomaka, zašto bi bilo dopušteno činiti istu stvar sredstvima druge metode? To je kao da želja i pomisao na ubojstvo nekoga nije grešna prema PPO advokaturi, nego samo čin ubojstva. U publikacijama koje promiču PPO, plodni period žene povremeno se klasificira kao „nesiguran“ i „opasan“, kao da se stvaranje novog života smatra ozbiljnim probojem nacionalne sigurnosti i malo novorođenče opasnim razbojnikom! To je doista odvratno. Može li biti jasnije da oni koji se suglase s ovakvom vrstom ponašanja i ovom metodom isključe Boga i djecu i zamijene ih svojim vlastitim sebičnim planom. Tobija 6:17 – „Sveti mladi Tobija pristupa svojoj zaručnici Sari nakon tri dana molitve, ne zbog tjelesne požude nego samo zbog ljubavi prema potomstvu. Nakon što je upućen od Arkanđela Rafaela da, kako bi se upustio u bračni čin, mora biti radije dirnut ljubavlju prema djeci nego požudom. Jer oni koji na takav način prime brak, kako bi isključili Boga iz sebe, i iz svojih misli, i predali se svojim požudama, kao konj i mula koji nemaju razumijevanja, nad njima đavao ima moć.“ Riječ brak znači „ured majčinstva“. Oni koji koriste PPO, pokušavaju izbjeći brak (ured majčinstva) i isključiti Boga od sebe. Prirodno Planiranje Obitelji također uključuje i nedostatak vjere na strani onih koji ga koriste i promoviraju. Posjeduju li parovi koji koriste PPO, i svećenici koji ga promoviraju, nadnaravnu vjeru u Božju providnost? Vjeruju li da je Bog taj koji šalje život? Ima li itko pravo imati 3 djeteta kada je Bog htio da ima 10? Bog je savršeno svjestan potreba svakog para, i On zna točno što oni mogu podnijeti. Oni s pravom katoličkom vjerom trebali bi biti potpuno nezabrinuti grafovima i kalendarima. Ovo su sve neprirodni instrumenti koji osujećuju Božju volju. Zanemarite ove besmislice i prihvatite činjenicu da vam Bog neće poslati nikakvu djecu s kojom se ne bi mogli nositi. On vas neće opteretiti ni sa čim preteškim, jer Njegov je jaram uvijek lak i Njegov teret uvijek lagan. Kada bi bilo po volji PPO-vaca, ne bi bilo obitelji s više od 10-ero djece, niti mnogih svetaca koji su proizašli iz takvih obitelji (npr. sveta Katarina Sijenska, 23. dijete od 25). Svećenici koji promoviraju „Prirodno“ Ograničenje Obitelji, i parovi koji ga koriste, krivi su za ozbiljan grijeh. To je u suprotnosti s naukom Crkve i u suprotnosti sa zakonom prirode. To je uvreda za Božju providnost, i to je posvemašnji nedostatak vjere. Zašto ne biste prakticirali čestitost umjesto počinjenja smrtnog grijeha PPO-a. Istinsko posvećenje dolazi kroz vrlinu čestitosti! Kao što možete pročitati, nijedan razlog, koliko god težak bio, ne može biti prihvaćen, što podređuje primarni cilj (ili svrhu) braka i bračnog čina (rađanje i odgajanje djece) sekundarnom cilju. Papa Pio XI., Casti Connubii (#’s 53-56), Pro. 31, 1930: “Ali ni jedan razlog, koliko god težak...” Pakao će biti dug za one koji prakticiraju PPO protiv prirodnih zakona. Mi molimo sve svećenike i laike da prihvate nauk Crkve o ovoj temi i povrate vjeru u Božju providnost. Ako ste vi bili uvjereni da vjerujete u ovu odvratnu herezu koja proturječi prirodnom zakonu, pokajte se i priznajte svoje grijehe odmah. Ovdje je detaljniji članak o Prirodnom Planiranju Obitelji (PPO) Kliknite ovdje! Riječi Djevice Marije nevjesti o tome kako postoje tri stvari u plesu i u društvu svijeta te o tome kako je ovaj svijet simboliziran plesom, i o Marijinoj patnji za smrti njena Sina. 27. poglavlje Djevica Marija, Majka Božja, govorila je nevjesti i rekla: „Moja kćeri, želim da znaš da tamo gdje je ples, postoje tri stvari: poimence, isprazne radosti, glasna vika i beskoristan i uzaludan posao. No, kada netko uđe u kuću plesa žalostan ili tužan, tada njegov prijatelj, koji sudjeluje u radosti plesa, vidi svojega prijatelja koji dolazi tamo tužan i žalostan, odmah napušta radost plesa i odvaja sebe od plesa i tuguje sa svojim ožalošćenim prijateljem. Taj ples ovaj je svijet koji je uvijek uhvaćen u nevolji iako se čini kao radost nerazumnom čovjeku. U ovom svijetu postoje tri stvari: isprazna radost, isprazne riječi i beskoristan posao, jer sve što čovjek sakuplja svojim radom mora ostaviti iza sebe. Onaj koji se pridruži ovozemaljskom plesu, treba uzeti u obzir Moj rad i tugu, i zatim tugovati sa Mnom, koja sam bila odvojena od svih svjetovnih radosti, i tada odvojiti sebe od svijeta. Za smrti Moga Sina bila sam poput žene čije je srce probodeno s pet koplja. Prvo koplje bila je Njegova sramotna i prijekora vrijedna golotinja, jer sam vidjela svoga najomiljenijeg i moćnog Sina kako stoji gol uz stup bez ikakve odjeće da Ga pokrije imalo. Drugo koplje bile su optužbe protiv Njega, jer Ga optužiše da je izdajnički izdajnik i lažljivac, Njega, za kojeg sam znala da je pravedan i istinit i da nikada nije nikoga uvrijedio, ili želio uvrijediti ili povrijediti. Treće koplje bila je Njegova trnova kruna koja je probola Njegovu svetu glavu tako nasilno da se krv slijevala u Njegova usta i Njegovu bradu i uši. Četvrto koplje bio je Njegov glas pun žalosti na križu, kojim je zavapio svom Ocu govoreći: „O, Oče, zašto si Me napustio?“ Kao da je htio reći: „O, Oče, nema nikoga da Me sažalijeva osim Tebe.“ Peto koplje koje je probolo Moje srce bila je Njegova najgorča i okrutna smrt. Moje srce bilo je probodeno s toliko mnogo koplja koliko je arterija iz kojih je Njegova predragocjena krv istjecala iz Njega. Uistinu, bol u Njegovim probodenim tetivama, arterijama, stopalima, rukama i tijelu otišla je nemilosrdno u Njegovo srce i iz srca natrag u Njegove tetive; jer Njegovo srce bijaše zdravo i snažno i od najbolje prirode, i život se dugo borio sa smrću; i tako je Njegov život bio produljen usred najgorče boli. Ali kada se Njegova smrt privukla blizu i Njegovo se srce raspuklo od neizdržive boli, tada se cijelo Njegovo tijelo treslo i Njegova glava, koja je bila pognuta unatrag, uzdigla se malo. Njegove su se poluzatvorene oči otvorile, kao što su i Njegova usta bila otvorena, tako da je Njegov okrvavljeni jezik bio vidljiv. Njegovi prsti i ruke, koji su bili kao paralizirani, istegnuše se. Ali kada je predao svoj duh, Njegova glava potonula je prema Njegovim prsima, Njegove ruke spustile su se malo od mjesta rana i Njegova stopala morala su podnijeti većinu težine tijela. Tada Moje ruke postadoše tupe, Moje su oči potamnile, i Moje lice postade bijelo kao mrtvac. Moje uši ništa nisu mogle čuti, Moja usta nisu mogla govoriti, Moje su noge drhtale, i Moje tijelo palo je na zemlju. Kada sam ustala sa zemlje i vidjela svog Sina kako izgleda, strašno izobličen i bjednije nego gubavac, podvrgnula sam svu svoju volju Njegovoj znajući sa sigurnošću da se sve dogodilo prema Njegovoj volji i ne bi se moglo dogoditi da On to nije dopustio. Stoga sam Mu zahvalila na svemu i tako je uvijek bilo neke radosti pomiješane s Mojom tugom, zato što sam vidjela je da On, koji nikada nije zgriješio, u svojoj velikoj ljubavi želio trpjeti ovako mnogo za grijehe čovječanstva. Zbog toga neka svi oni koji su u svijetu, promišljaju kako sam Ja patila kada je Moj Sin umro i uvijek to imaju pred svojim očima i u svojim mislima!“ Riječi Gospodina nevjesti o tome kako je čovjek došao da mu se sudi pred Božji sud , i o zastrašujućoj i groznoj presudi koja mu je izrečena od Boga i svih svetih. 28. poglavlje Nevjesta Kristova vidjela je Boga kako ljutito izgleda, i On reče: „Ja sam bez početka i bez kraja. Nema promjene u Meni, bilo u godini ili danu, nego je sve vrijeme na ovome svijetu kao jedna jedina sekunda ili trenutak za Mene. Svatko tko Me vidi, vidi i zna i razumije sve što je u Meni u trenutku. No, budući da si ti, Moja nevjesto, u materijalnom tijelu, ti ne možeš spoznati ni razumjeti kao duh, i stoga, tebe radi, objasnit ću ti što se dogodilo. Postavljen sam za suca, jer je sav sud dan Meni, i čovjek dođe pred Moj sud postavljen da bi mu se sudilo. Glas je Očev grmio i rekao mu: „Jao tebi što si ikada bio rođen!“ Bog to nije rekao jer se bio pokajao što ga je stvorio, nego je to bilo baš kao što bilo tko žaluje za drugim i osjeća suosjećanje za njega. Nakon toga glas Sina odgovori rekavši: „Ja sam prolio svoju krv za tebe i otrpio najgorču i najoštriju bol za tebe, ali ti si se u cijelosti odvojio od toga i ne želiš imati ništa s tim.“ Glas Duha Svetoga rekao je:“ Ja sam pretražio sve kutove njegova srca da vidim mogu li naći kakve nježnosti ili ljubavi u njegovu srcu, ali on je hladan kao led i težak kao kamen, i Ja nemam što raditi s njim.“ Ova tri glasa nisu se čula glasno kao da su tamo bila tri Boga, nego su se čula za tvoju dobrobit, Moja nevjesto, jer ti ne bi bila u stanju razumjeti ove duhovne tajne drugačije. Nakon toga tri glasa, Oca, Sina i Duha Svetoga, odmah su pretvorena u jedan glas, i ovaj glas zagrmje i reče: „Nipošto Kraljevstvo Nebesko neće biti tebi dano!“ Majka milosti, Djevica Marija, bila je tiha i nije učinila pristupačnim svoje milosrđe, jer onaj kojemu se trebalo suditi nije bio dostojan primati ili uživati Njeno milosrđe; i svi sveti povikaše jednim glasom govoreći: Božja je pravda za njega biti zauvijek protjeran i odijeljen od Tvojeg Kraljevstva i od Tvoje radosti.“ Svi oni koji su bili u vatri čistilišta, rekoše: „Nijedna bol ovdje nije tako gorka ili oštra da je dostojna kazniti tvoje grijehe; ti zaslužuješ otrpjeti mnogo veće muke i ti ćeš stoga biti odijeljen od nas.“ Ali tada jadni čovjek povika prestravljenim glasom, govoreći: „Jao, jao za sjeme koje se našlo zajedno u utrobi moje majke i od kojega primih svoje tijelo!“ On zazva i drugi put, govoreći: „Proklet bio trenutak kada se moja duša združila s mojim tijelom i proklet bio onaj koji mi dade tijelo i dušu!“ On zazva i treći put: „Proklet bio trenutak kada sam došao živ iz utrobe moje majke!“ Tada dođoše tri užasna glasa protiv njega iz pakla govoreći:“ Dođi k nama, prokleta dušo, kao tekući bakar cijedeći se dolje, ka vječnoj smrti i životu vječnom!“ Zazvaše i drugi put:“ Dođi, prokleta dušo, prazna sve dobrote, i primi našu zlobu! Jer tamo neće biti ni jedan od nas koji te neće ispuniti svojom vlastitom pakošću i boli.“ Oni zazvaše treći put:“ Dođi, prokleta dušo, teška kao kamen koji tone neprestano i nikada ne doseže dno gdje se može odmoriti! Ti ćeš potonuti dublje u dubinu nego mi, tako da nećeš stati dok ne dosegneš najniže dijelove pakla.“ Tada je naš Gospodin rekao: „Baš kao čovjek koji je imao više žena i koji vidje jednu od njih kako se otuđuje od njega, i okrene se od nje i prikloni drugima koje ostaju ustrajne u njegovoj volji, i raduje se s njima, jednako tako Ja sam okrenuo svoje lice i svoju milost od njega, i priklonio se svojim slugama i radovao se s njima. Stoga, sad kad si čula o njegovu padu i bijedi, služit ćeš Mi s toliko više iskrenosti i čistoće razmjerno većoj milosti koju sam ti ukazao. Pobjegni svijetu i njegovim željama! Ja nisam prihvatio takve gorke patnje radi svjetovne slave ili zato što sam bio nemoćan ispuniti ju brže ili lakše - jer mogao Sam – ali pravda je zahtijevala tako zato što je čovječanstvo zgriješilo u svakom udu, jednako tako mora i zadovoljština biti učinjena u svakom udu. Zato je Božanstvo osjetilo sućut prema čovječanstvu i u svojoj gorućoj i velikoj ljubavi prema Djevici uzelo ljudskost od Nje kroz koju će On otrpjeti svu kaznu koju je čovječanstvo bilo predodređeno trpjeti. Budući da sam uzeo tvoju kaznu na sebe iz ljubavi, ti trebaš ostati u pravoj poniznosti, baš kao Moji sluge, tako da se nećeš sramiti ni pred kim niti se bojati ičega osim Mene. Čuvaj svoja usta na takav način da, kada bi takva bila Moja volja, ti nikada ne bi govorila. Ne budi rastužena zbog svjetovnih stvari jer one će nestati, a Ja sam u mogućnosti napraviti koga god želim bogatim ili siromašnim. Stoga, Moja nevjesto, smjesti svu svoju nadu u Mene i Ja ću ti pomoći.“ OBJAŠNJENJE Ovaj čovjek čiji je sud ovdje proglašen, bio je plemić, kanonik i podđakon, koji je primio lažni oprost i oženio se bogatom djevicom, ali je zatečen iznenadnom smrću i tako je izgubio što je želio. Riječi Djevice kćeri o dvjema ženama, jednoj zvanoj Ponos i drugoj, Poniznost, (posljednja označava najmiliju Djevicu Mariju), i o tome kako Djevica Marija dolazi ususret onima koji je ljube u trenutku svoje smrti. 29. poglavlje Djevica Marija, Majka Božja, govorila je Sinovoj nevjesti i rekla:“ Postoje dvije žene. Jedna od njih nema nikakvo posebno ime jer je previše nedostojna imati ime. Druga je žena Poniznost i ona se zove Marija. Đavao sam gospodar je nad prvom ženom zato što ima kontrolu nad njom. Vitez ove žene reče joj: „O, moja ženo, ja sam spreman učiniti sve što mogu za vas samo ako bih mogao zadovoljiti svoju seksualnu požudu s vama samo jedanput. Ja samo moćan i jak i hrabrog srca, ne bojim se ničega, a spreman sam otići do svoje smrti za vas.“ Ona mu odgovori: „Moj slugo, tvoja je ljubav prema meni velika. Ali ja sam posjednuta na visokom prijestolju, i imam samo ovo jedno prijestolje, a tu su i troja vrata između nas. Prva vrata toliko su uska da sve što čovjek nosi na svome tijelu biva svučeno i poderano na komadiće ako on stupi ovim vratima. Druga su tako oštra da prosijecaju čak do samih tetiva čovjeka. Treća vrata gore takvom vatrom da ne postoji bijeg ili odmor od njihove topline, nego umjesto toga svatko, ulazeći na ova vrata, biva odmah rastopljen kao bakar. Osim toga, ja sam posjednuta tako visoko na svom tronu da će svatko tko želi sjesti do mene – jer imam samo jedan tron - pasti dolje u najveće dubine poda mnom.“ Vitez joj odgovori: „Ja ću dati svoj život za vas, i pad mi ne smeta.“ Ova je žena Ponos i onaj tko želi doći do nje, mora ići, takoreći, kroz troja vrata. Kroz prva vrata ulazi onaj koji daje sve što ima za ljudske hvale i dobrobit ponosa. I ako ne posjeduje ništa, on koristi svu svoju volju kako bi imao razlog da bude ponosan i osvoji hvalu čovjeka. Kroz druga vrata ulazi onaj koji žrtvuje sav svoj rad i sve što čini, sve svoje vrijeme i sve svoje misli i svu svoju snagu kako bi mogao ispuniti svoj ponos. I čak kada bi mogao predati svoje vlastito tijelo da bude izranjavano za dobrobit ponosa i časti i bogatstva, on bi to dragovoljno učinio. Kroz treća vrata ulazi onaj koji nikada ne počiva ili ima mira, nego vječno gori kao vatra s mišlju kako bi mogao steći nešto časti ili nešto nad čime bi mogao osjećati svjetovni ponos. Ali kada postigne svoju želju, on ne može ostati u istom stanju, nego pada bolno i jadno, međutim, ponos i dalje ostaje u svijetu.“ „Ali Ja“, Marija reče,„ jesam ona koja je najskromnija. Ja sam postavljena na prostrano prijestolje i iznad Mene nema ni sunca ni mjeseca, ni zvijezda, čak ni neba, nego prekrasna i nezamislivo bistra svjetlost koja potječe od ljepote Božjeg veličanstva. Ispod Mene nema ni zemlje ni kamena, nego samo neusporedivo sladak počinak u Božjoj kreposti. Oko Mene nema ni zapreke ni zida nego samo veličanstvena vojska anđela i svetih duša. I, iako sam posjednuta tako visoko, i dalje čujem svoje prijatelje koji su u svijetu, dnevno izlijevajući svoje uzdahe i suze prema Meni. Motrim da njihov rad i njihovo usavršavanje budu veći nego onih koji se bore za svoju ženu Ponos. Ja ću ih stoga posjećivati sa svojim milosrđem i pomoći, i smjestiti ih blizu Mene, na Moje prijestolje, jer ono je vrlo prostrano i može primiti svakoga. Ali oni još ne mogu doći k meni ili sjesti sa mnom, jer još postoje dva zida između nas preko kojih ću ih Ja sigurno prevesti tako da mogu doći do moga prijestolja. Prvi je zid svijet i on je uskogrudan. Stoga će Moji službenici u svijetu biti utješeni po Meni. Drugi je zid smrt. Stoga ću im Ja, njihova najdraža Gospa i Majka, doći ususret i žuriti k njima na njihovoj smrti, tako da se oni čak i u smrti osjete ohrabrenima i utješenima! Smjestit ću ih skupa sa Mnom na prijestolje nebeske radosti tako da oni, u beskrajnoj radosti, mogu počivati zauvijek u užitku Boga i njegovim dobrostivim rukama, i ljubavi vječne slave i nezamislive radosti.“ Riječi našega ljubljenog Gospodina Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako se mnogi lažni Kršćani umnožavaju te o tome kako Ga oni ponovno razapinju, i o tome kako je On još uvijek spreman ponovno otrpjeti smrt radi dobrobiti grešnog naroda, kada bi to bilo moguće. 30. poglavlje „Ja sam Bog koji je stvorio sve stvari u korist čovjeka na način da mu sve stvari trebaju služiti i pomagati. Ali čovječanstvo zlorabi sve stvari koje sam stvorio u njegovu korist prema svom vlastitom prokletstvu, i njemu je manje stalo do Boga i voli Ga manje nego stvoreni svijet. Židovi su pripremili tri vrste alata za mučenje za Moju patnju: Prvo, drvo na kojemu sam, bičevan i okrunjen, bio razapet. Drugo, željezo kojim su probili kroz Moje ruke i noge. Treće, žuč koju su Mi dali piti. Nakon toga, vrijeđali su Me nazivajući Me budalom zbog smrti koju sam rado otrpio, i nazvali su me lašcem zbog Mojih učenja. Takvih je ljudi danas puno u svijetu i ima vrlo malo onih koji Me tješe. Oni Me razapinju na drvo kroz svoju volju da griješe, oni Me bičuju kroz svoje nestrpljenje (nitko, naime, ne može izdržati ni jednu jedinu riječ za Moju dobrobit) i krune Me trnjem njihova ponosa kada žele biti uzdignuti više i imati više časti nego što Ja želim da imaju. Oni probadaju Moje ruke i noge otvrdlim željezom kada hvale svoje grijehe i otvrdnjuju sami sebe tako da Me se ne bi trebali bojati. Kao piće žuči oni mi nude tugu. Nazivaju me lašcem i budalom zbog mučenja kroz koja sam prošao i rado otrpio. Ja sam dovoljno moćan da ubijem i utopim sve svoje neprijatelje i cijeli svijet u jednom trenutku zbog njihovih grijeha kada bih htio. Ali kada bih ih utopio, oni koji bi preostali, služili bi Mi iz straha, a to ne bi bilo pravo jer bi Mi čovječanstvo trebalo služiti iz ljubavi, a ne zbog straha. Ako bih im Ja osobno došao u svom vidljivom obliku, njihove oči ne bi mogle izdržati vidjeti Me ili njihove uši čuti Me. Jer kako bi smrtni čovjek izdržao pogledati na besmrtnika? Uistinu, u svojoj ljubavi, Ja bih rado ponovno umro za dobrobit čovječanstva kada bi to bilo moguće. Tada se Blažena Djevica Marija pojavila i Sin Božji reče joj: „Što želiš, Moja odabrana Majko?“ I ona odgovori: „ O, Moj Sine, imaj milosti prema svom djelu, Moje ljubavi radi.“ On odgovori: „Pokazati ću im Moju milost ponovno, Tebe radi.“ Nakon toga, naš Gospodin govorio je svojoj nevjesti i rekao: „Ja sam tvoj Bog i Gospodar anđela. Ja sam Gospodar života i smrti. Ja osobno želim živjeti u tvom srcu. Vidi kakvu silnu ljubav Ja imam prema tebi! Nebesa i zemlja i sve stvari u njima ne mogu Me obuhvatiti, a ipak Ja želim stanovati u tvome srcu, koje je samo maleni komadić mesa. Koga bi se tada bojala ili što bi mogla trebati kada imaš u sebi Boga Svemogućeg u kojemu su sve dobre stvari? Trebale bi postojati tri stvari u srcu u kojem Ja živim: Prvo, trebao bi postojati krevet u kojem bismo se mogli odmoriti. Drugo, trebalo bi postojati sjedalo na koje bismo mogli sjesti. Treće, trebala bi postojati svjetiljka da nam daje svjetlost. U tvom srcu trebao bi postojati krevet za odmor, tako da se možeš odmoriti od zlih misli i svjetovnih želja i uvijek se podsjećati i razmatrati radost vječnosti. Sjedalo bi trebala biti tvoja volja ostajanja blizu Mene, čak i ako se katkad dogodi da moraš izaći. Jer je protivno prirodi stalno stajati ili sjediti. Ali onaj koji stalno stoji jest onaj koji stalno ima volju biti sa svijetom i nikada ne sjesti sa Mnom. Svjetlost će biti vjera kojom ti vjeruješ da Ja mogu učiniti sve stvari i jesam svemoguć nad svim stvarima. O tome kako je nevjesta vidjela najmiliju Djevicu Mariju urešenu krunom i drugim uresima neopisive ljepote, i o tome kako Sveti Ivan Krstitelj objašnjava nevjesti značenje krune i drugih uresa. 31. poglavlje Nevjesta Božja vidjela je Kraljicu Neba, Majku Božju, kako nosi neprocjenjivu i prekrasnu krunu na svojoj glavi, i njezinu prekrasnu sjajnu i neopisivo lijepu kosu raspuštenu preko njezinih ramena, sa zlatnom tunikom koja je sjala neopisivom svjetlošću, i plavim ogrtačem boje azurne ili čistoga neba. Kada nevjesta Božja, sveta Brigita, bijaše začuđena takvim divnim prizorom, i u svom čuđenju stajaše tamo potpuno oduševljena i zadivljena, tada joj se ukaže blaženi Ivan Krstitelj i reče: „Slušaj pozorno što sve ovo obznanjuje. Kruna obznanjuje da je Ona Kraljica i Gospa i Majka Kralja anđela; raspuštena kosa obznanjuje da je Ona neokaljana i čista djevica; ogrtač boje neba obznanjuje da su sve zemaljske stvari bile kao mrtve u njezinu srcu i njezinoj volji; zlatna tunika obznanjuje da je Ona bila gorljivo i žarko u ljubavi Božjoj, oboje, u svojoj nutrini i izvana. Njen Sin, Isus Krist, smjestio je sedam ljiljana u njezinu krunu, i između ljiljana smjestio je sedam dragulja. Prvi ljiljan njezina je poniznost; drugi ljiljan njezin je strah; treći njezina poslušnost; četvrti njezino strpljenje; peti njezina postojanost; šesti njezina dobrota, jer Ona je ljubazna i daje svima koji mole od Nje s ljubavlju i voljom za popravljanjem; sedmi njezino milosrđe u teškoćama, jer u kakvim god teškoćama čovjek može biti, ako Ju zaziva svim svojim srcem, on će primiti milost i pomoć od Nje zato što je Ona puna sućuti i milosti. Među ovim sjajnim ljiljanima Njezin je Sin smjestio sedam plemenitih dragih kamena. Prvi je dragulj Njezina neusporediva krepost, jer nema vrline ni u jednom drugom duhu, ili ijednom drugom tijelu, koju Ona nema u većoj mjeri. Drugi dragulj Njezina je savršena čistoća, jer je Kraljica Kraljevstva nebeskog bila toliko čista da od Njezina prvog ulaska u svijet do posljednjeg dana Njezine smrti niti jedna jedina mrlja grijeha nikada nije nađena u Njoj; i niti jedan od svih đavala nikada nije mogao pronaći ni onoliko nečistoće u Njoj koliko bi stalo na glavu pribadače. Ona je uistinu najčišća, jer nije bilo prikladno za Kralja slave da liježe u bilo koju posudu osim najčišće, izabranu pred svim anđelima i ljudima, i čišću od njih. Treći dragulj bila je Njezina ljepota, jer Bog je stalno hvaljen od svojih svetaca zbog ljepote Njegove Majke, i svi sveti anđeli i svete duše ispunjeni su radošću preko Njezine ljepote. Četvrti plemeniti dragulj u kruni mudrost je Djevice Majke, s obzirom na to da je Ona ispunjena svom božanskom mudrošću u Bogu i sva mudrost ispunjena je i usavršena kroz Nju. Peti dragulj Njezina je snaga i moć, jer Ona je toliko snažna i jaka s Bogom u sebi da može pokoriti sve što je stvoreno. Šesti dragulj Njezina je bistrina, jer Ona sjaji tako bistro da čak osvjetljava anđele, čije su oči bistrije od svjetla, a đavli se ne usuđuju pogledati prema Njenoj bistrini. Sedmi je dragulj punina svakog zadovoljstva i radosti i sve duhovne naslade, jer Njena je punina takva da ne postoji nikakva radost koju Ona ne uvećava, nikakvo zadovoljstvo koje nije napravljeno punijim i savršenijim po Njoj i po blaženoj viziji Njenoj, jer ona je ispunjena dobronamjernošću i milosrđem više od svih svetih. Ona je najčišća posuda u kojoj je Kruh anđela ležao i u kojoj se sva slast i sva ljepota nalaze. Između sedam ljiljana u Njenoj kruni Njezin Sin smjestio je ovih sedam dragulja. Stoga, možeš li ti, Njezina Sina nevjesto, štovati i slaviti Ju svim svojim srcem, jer Ona je uistinu vrijedna svake hvale i svake časti s Njezinim Sinom!“ O tome kako je, na Božji poticaj, nevjesta Kristova izabrala siromaštvo za sebe i odrekla se bogatstva i bludnog ponašanja, i o istini stvari koje su joj otkrivene, i o tri izvanredne stvari koje joj je Krist pokazao. 32. poglavlje Naš Gospodin reče svojoj nevjesti: “Ti bi trebala biti poput osobe koja ostavlja i poput one koja sakuplja. Jer trebala bi ostaviti bogatstva i sakupljati vrline, ostaviti prolazne stvari i sakupljati vječne stvari, ostaviti vidljive stvari i sakupljati nevidljive. Ja ću ti poimence dati veselje duše umjesto zadovoljstva tijela, radost neba umjesto radosti svijeta, čast anđela umjesto časti svijeta, nazočnost Boga umjesto nazočnosti tvojih prijatelja; Ja, davatelj i Tvorac svih dobrih stvari, dat ću ti Sebe, umjesto posjedovanja zemaljskih dobara. Odgovori Mi na tri stvari koje ću te pitati. Prva, želiš li biti bogata ili siromašna na ovom svijetu?“ Ona odgovori: „O, moj Gospodine, ja bih radije bila siromašna s obzirom na to da mi bogatstvo ne čini ništa dobro; naprotiv, ono mi smeta i ometa me vrlo mnogo, i odvlači od služenja Tebi.“ „Reci Mi, drugo, nalaziš li štogod vrijedno osude ili lažno prema svojoj savjesti i srcu u riječima koje si čula iz Mojih usta?“ Ona odgovori: „Sigurno ne, sve Tvoje riječi razumne su.“ Naš Gospodin reče po treći put: „Što te više ushićuje, senzualna žudnja tijela koju si ranije imala ili duhovna utjeha i ushit koje imaš sada?“ Ona odgovori: „Osjećam se posramljeno i osramoćeno u svom srcu razmišljati o svojim prijašnjim tjelesnim žudnjama, i sada su mi kao otrov, i okusa su utoliko gorčeg u odnosu prema mojoj prijašnjoj žarkoj ljubavi za njima. Radije bih umrla nego se ikada vratila takvoj požudi; ona ne može biti uspoređena s ovim duhovnim zadovoljstvom i srećom.“ „Dakle,“ naš Gospodin reče, „ti priznaješ u svom umu da su sve stvari koje sam ti rekao istinite. Zašto si onda uplašena i zabrinuta da odgađam stvari za koje sam ti rekao da će se zbiti? Vidi proroke i sjeti se apostola i svetih učitelja Crkve. Jesu li našli nešto u Meni osim istine? Zbog toga oni nisu marili o svijetu ili želji za njim. Zbog čega su drugoga proroci prorekli buduće stvari toliko daleko unaprijed osim ako je to zato što je Bog htio da oni prvo navijeste riječi s djelima koja dolaze kasnije kako bi neuki mogli biti poučeni u vjeri? Uistinu, sve tajne Mojega Svetog Utjelovljenja bile su naviještene prorocima prije nego što sam preuzeo ljudskost i postao čovjekom, čak i zvijezda koja je išla pred Tri Kralja. Oni su vjerovali u riječi proroka i zaslužili vidjeti ono u što su vjerovali, i bijahu uvjereni odmah nakon što su vidjeli zvijezdu. Na isti način sada Moje riječi trebaju prvo biti najavljene tako da bi se, kada kasnije dođu djela, u njih vjerovalo s većom sigurnošću. Pokazao sam ti tri stvari. Prvo, svijest čovjeka čiji sam ti grijeh otkrio i dokazao kroz najjasnije i najočitije znakove. Ali zašto sam to učinio? Nisam li ga mogao sam ubiti? Ili, nisam li ga mogao utopiti u trenutku da sam htio? Naravno da sam mogao. No, da bi drugi mogli biti poučeni i Moje riječi otkrivene pokazujući kako sam pravedan i strpljiv i kako je nesretan taj čovjek kojim đavao vlada, Ja ga i dalje podnosim. Zbog njegove zle volje ostajanja u grijehu i kroz njegovu grešnu požudu u njoj, đavolja moć nad njim toliko je porasla da ga ni nježne riječi, ni oštre prijetnje, ni strah od pakla ne mogu odvratiti od njegova grijeha. I ovo je istinska pravda također, jer kako je on stalno imao volju griješenja, čak iako nije ispunio svoj grijeh djelom, on opravdano zaslužuje biti predan đavlu za svu vječnost. Jer i najmanji grijeh za kojim se žudjelo kasnije, dovoljan je da svakoga tko se ne pokaje osudi iz Kraljevstva nebeskog. Pokazao sam ti dva druga. Đavao je mučio tijelo jednoga, ali mu nije bio u duši. Zatamnio je svijest drugoga kroz njegove spletke, a ipak nije dospio u njegovu dušu i nije imao moći nad njim. Ali sada bi mogla pitati: „Nije li duša isto što i svijest? Nije li đavao u duši kada je u svijesti?“ Nipošto! Tijelo ima dva oka kojima vidi, i čak i ako izgube svoj vid, tijelo i dalje može biti zdravo. Tako je i s dušom. Jer iako su razum i svijest katkad ometeni i uznemireni, ipak, duša ne bude uvijek ranjena grijehom. I stoga je đavao imao moć nad njegovom sviješću, ali ne nad njegovom dušom. Pokazat ću ti trećeg čovjeka čijom dušom i tijelom u potpunosti vlada đavao, i osim ako je prisiljen Mojom moći i Mojom posebnom milošću, on nikada neće biti izbačen iz čovjeka ili ga ostaviti. Iz nekih ljudi đavao izlazi rado i brzo, ali iz drugih samo nevoljko i uz silu. Jer u neke ljude đavao ulazi zbog grijeha njihovih roditelja ili zbog neke skrivene prosudbe Božje; ovo se događa, primjera radi, s djecom i nerazumnim čovjekom. On ulazi u druge zbog njihove nevjere ili nekoga drugog grijeha. Iz tih đavao izlazi rado ako je istjeran od ljudi koji znaju zazivanja ili umijeće o tome kako istjerati đavle. Ako oni poduzmu takav egzorcizam zbog hvalisavosti ili radi kakva zemaljskog dobitka, tada đavao ima moć ulaska u onoga koji ga istjeruje, ili ponovno u istu osobu iz koje je istjeran, jer ni jedan od njih nije imao nikakve ljubavi Božje. Iz onih čije duše i tijelo đavao posjeduje u potpunosti, on nikada ne izlazi osim ako je prisiljen kroz Moju moć. Baš kao što ocat, ako je miješan sa slatkim i dobrim vinom, kvari svu slatkoću vina i nikada ne može biti odvojen od njega, jednako tako ni đavao neće izaći iz duše koju posjeduje osim ako je prisiljen kroz Moje božanske moći. Što je to vino ako ne ljudska duša koja je za Mene bila slađa više od svih stvorenih bića i tako Mi draga da sam dopustio da Moje tetive budu sasječene i Moje tijelo rastrgano do rebara radi nje? Otrpio sam smrt radi nje radije nego da ju izgubim. Ovo vino bilo je očuvano u talogu, jer smjestio sam dušu u tijelo gdje je bila čuvana prema Mojoj volji kao u zapečaćenoj posudi. Ali sada je ovo slatko vino pomiješano s najgorim octom, odnosno sa zlobom đavla, čija Mi je zlobnost gorča i odvratnija od ijednog octa. Po Mojoj moći, ovaj ocat bit će odijeljen od ovog čovjeka čije ću ti ime reći kako bih ti mogao pokazati Moje milosrđe i mudrost kroz njega, ali i Moju presudu i pravdu kroz prvobitnog čovjeka. OBJAŠNJENJE Prvi čovjek bio je plemićkog podrijetla i ponosni kantor koji je, bez Papina odobrenja, otišao u Jeruzalem i bio napadnut od đavla. O ovom demonom opsjednutom čovjeku više se može čitati u knjizi III, poglavlju 31, i u knjizi IV, poglavlju 115. Drugi demonom opsjednut čovjek u istom poglavlju postao je cistercijanski redovnik. Đavao ga je mučio toliko da su ga četiri čovjeka jedva držala. Njegov isplaženi jezik izgledao je poput jezika vola. Okovi na njegovim rukama nevidljivo su razbijeni u komade. Nakon mjesec i dva dana ovaj čovjek bio je izliječen od svete Brigite. Treći demonom opsjednut čovjek bio je ovršitelj iz Ostergotlanda. Kada je bio savjetovan da učini pokoru, rekao je onome koji ga je savjetovao: „Ne može li vlasnik kuće sjesti gdje želi? Đavao ima moje srce i moj jezik, kako mogu učiniti pokoru?“ Također je proklinjao svece Božje i umro te iste noći bez sakramenata i ispovijedi. Riječi opomene našeg Gospodina Njegovoj nevjesti o pravoj i lažnoj mudrosti i o tome kako dobri anđeli pomažu mudre koji su dobri, dok đavli pomažu mudre koji su zli. 33. poglavlje „Moji su prijatelji poput učenjaka koji imaju tri stvari: Prvo, razborito razumijevanje iznad onoga što je mozgu prirodno. Drugo, mudrost bez ljudske pomoći, jer ih Ja osobno učim iznutra. Treće, oni su puni slatkoće i božanske ljubavi kojom poražavaju đavla. No, u današnje vrijeme ljudi uče na drugačiji način. Prvo, oni žele biti mudri iz hvalisavosti kako bi mogli biti nazivani dobrim službenicima i majstorskim učenjacima. Drugo, oni žele biti mudri kako bi posjedovali i osvojili bogatstva. Treće, oni žele biti mudri kako bi osvojili časti i privilegije. I zato ih Ja ostavljam kada odu u svoje škole i uđu tamo, jer uče radi ponosa, a Ja ih učim poniznosti. Oni se upisuju u škole zbog pohlepe, a Ja nisam imao gdje glavu nasloniti. Oni odlaze kako bi stekli povlastice, zavideći onima na pozicijama višim od njihove, a Ja sam bio suđen od Pilata i izrugivan od Heroda. Zato ih ostavljam, jer oni ne uče Moju mudrost. No, budući da sam dobar i ljubazan, Ja dajem svakome ono za što moli. Onaj koji moli za kruh, prima kruh. I onome koji moli za slamu, bit će dana slama. Moji prijatelji mole za kruh, jer oni traže i uče mudrost Božju, gdje se Moja ljubav nalazi. No drugi, međutim, mole za slamu, a to je svjetovna mudrost. Jer kao što je slama neupotrebljiva čovjeku za hranu, iako jest hrana nerazumnim životinjama, tako također nema ni koristi od svjetovne mudrosti koju traže, niti hrane za dušu, nego samo malo ime i beskoristan posao. Jer kada čovjek umre, sva njegova mudrost iskorijenjena je ni u što i on više ne može biti viđen od onih koji su ga običavali hvaliti. Ja sam kao moćni gospodar s mnogo slugu koji, na način njihova gospodara, daju ljudima ono što im treba. Na ovaj način dobri anđeli i zli anđeli stoje u Mojoj službi. Dobri anđeli brinu se o potrebama onih koji uče Moju mudrost, odnosno onih koji rade u Mojoj službi, hraneći ih utjehom i ugodnim radom. No, svjetovno mudre pomažu zli anđeli koji ih nadahnjuju onim što oni žele i oblikuju ih po svojoj volji, inspirirajući ih mislima o velikim špekulacijama s mnogo posla. Ali kada bi oni pogledali prema Meni, mogao bih im dati kruha i mudrosti bez ikakva truda ili muke i dovoljnu količinu svijeta da ih zadovoljim. Ali oni nikada ne mogu biti zasićeni svijetom jer okreću ono što je slatko u gorčinu za sebe. Ali ti, Moja nevjesto, trebala bi biti poput sira, i tvoje tijelo kao kalup u kojem se sir oblikuje dok ne poprimi oblik kalupa. Na ovaj način tvoja duša, koja je za Mene divna i slatka poput sira, mora biti iskušana i pročišćena u tijelu sve dok tijelo i duša ujedinjeni ne pristanu održati isti oblik suzdržljivosti kako bi tijelo poštovalo duh i duh vodio tijelo prema svim vrlinama. Podučavanje Kristovo Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako bi ona trebala živjeti te o tome kako đavao priznaje Kristu da nevjesta voli Krista iznad svih stvari, i o tome kako đavao pita Krista zašto ju voli toliko, te o ljubavi koju Krist ima za svoju nevjestu. 34. poglavlje „Ja sam Stvoritelj neba i zemlje. Bio sam istinski Bog i istinski čovjek u utrobi Djevice, i ustao sam od mrtvih i uzašao na nebo. Ti si, Moja nova nevjesto, došla na nepoznato mjesto. Stoga moraš učiniti četiri stvari: Prvo, moraš znati jezik mjesta. Drugo, moraš imati prikladnu odjeću. Treće, moraš znati kako organizirati svoje dane i svoje vrijeme u skladu s običajima mjesta. Četvrto, moraš se prilagoditi na novu hranu. Dakle, s obzirom na to da si došla iz nestabilnosti svijeta u stabilnost, ti moraš naučiti novi jezik, to jest uzdržljivost od beskorisnih i ispraznih riječi, katkad čak i od onih dopuštenih kako bi promotrila važnost i vrlinu tišine. Drugo, tvoja odjeća trebala bi biti skromna, i iznutra i izvana, tako da se ne veličaš iznutra kao svetija od ostalih, niti da se izvana sramiš biti viđena kao ponizna pred ljudima. Treće, tvoje vrijeme treba biti uređeno tako da, kao što si prije običavala imati puno vremena za potrebe tijela, sada imaš samo vremena za dušu, to jest da nikada više ne poželiš griješiti protiv Mene. Četvrto, tvoja nova hrana suzdržljivost je od proždrljivosti i delicija sa svom razboritošću onoliko koliko to tvoja ljudska narav može izdržati. Suzdržavanje koje ide preko granica ljudske prirode ne godi Mi, jer Ja zahtijevam racionalizaciju i kroćenje požuda. Tada se đavao pojavi u istom trenutku. Naš mu Gospodin reče: „Ti si stvoren od Mene i vidio si svu pravdu u Meni. Odgovori Mi sada, je li ova Moja nova nevjesta zakonito Moja po dokazanoj pravdi. Jer ti Ja dopuštam da vidiš i razumiješ njeno srce kako bi mogao znati kako Mi odgovoriti. Voli li išta drugo jednako toliko koliko voli Mene, ili bi li uzela išta u zamjenu za Mene?“ Đavao odgovori: „Ništa ne voli toliko koliko voli Tebe, i radije bi otrpjela svaku muku nego te izgubila, samo ako bi joj dao vrlinu strpljenja. Vidim nešto poput spoja vatre koji se spušta od Tebe do nje i veže njezino srce tako jako da ona, niti misli, niti voli išta osim Tebe. Tada naš Gospodin reče đavlu: „ Reci Mi kako se ona sviđa tvome srcu, ili kako ti se sviđa ova velika ljubav koju imam prema njoj.“ Đavao odgovori: „Ja imam dva oka; jedno je tjelesno, iako ja nisam tjelesan, i ovim okom zapažam zemaljske stvari tako jasno da ne postoji ništa toliko tajno ili mračno da bi se moglo sakriti od mene. Drugo je oko duhovno, i njime vidim tako jasno da ne postoji bol tako mala da ne mogu vidjeti ni razumjeti kojem grijehu ona pripada. I ne postoji grijeh tako malen ili beznačajan da ga ja ne vidim osim ako je očišćen pokajanjem i pokorom. Ali, iako ne postoje dijelovi tijela osjetljiviji i ranjiviji od očiju, ipak bih puno radije želio da mi dvije zapaljene baklje bez kraja prodru u oči nego da ona vidi očima duha. Ja također imam dva uha. Jedno je tjelesno i nitko ne može pričati toliko tajno i tiho da ja neću odmah čuti i saznati kroz ovo uho. Drugo je uho duhovno i nitko ne može imati tako skrovitu misao ili želju za ikakvim grijehom da ja to ne čujem kroz ovo uho, osim ako je oprana pokorom. I ja bih radije odabrao da se patnje pakla sruče naprijed kao potok i, šireći najužasniju vruću vatru bez kraja, teku kroz moje uši, nego da ona išta čuje ušima duha. Ja također imam duhovno srce, i rado bih dopustio da se neprestano reže na komade i konstantno obnavlja u istoj patnji kako bi se njezino srce ohladilo u Tvojoj službi i ljubavi. Ali, s obzirom na to da si Ti pravedan, ja sada imam pitanje za Tebe na koje možeš odgovoriti. Reci mi, zašto ju voliš toliko? Zašto nisi odabrao nekog svetijeg, bogatijeg i ljepšeg za sebe?“ Naš Gospodin odgovori:“ Zato što je pravda zahtijevala tako. Ti si stvoren od Mene i vidio si svu pravdu u Meni. Reci Mi, dok ona sluša, zašto je bilo pravedno da ti trebaš imati takav težak pad i o čemu si razmišljao kada si pao.“ Đavao odgovori: „ Vidio sam tri stvari u Tebi. Vidio sam Tvoju slavu i čast koje bijahu iznad svih stvari, i pomislio o svojoj vlastitoj slavi. Zbog ovog razloga postao sam ponosan i odlučio ne samo postati Tebi jednak, nego biti čak i viši od Tebe. Drugo, vidio sam da si Ti moćniji od svih ostalih, i stoga sam poželio biti moćniji od Tebe. Treće, vidio sam što će se dogoditi u budućnosti, i s obzirom na to da su Tvoja slava i čast bez početka i bit će bez kraja, zavidio sam Ti i pomislio kako bih rado bio mučen zauvijek najgorčim kaznama ako bi time Ti umro. I s takvim sam mislima i željama pao, i odmah je nastao pakao.“ Naš Gospodin odgovori: „ Pitao si Me zašto volim svoju nevjestu toliko. Nesumnjivo, to je zato što Ja mijenjam svu tvoju zlobu u dobro. Jer otkako si ti postao ponosan i nisi Me htio imati, svog Stvoritelja, kao tebi jednaka, zbog toga, ponizivši se u svim stvarima, Ja okupljam grešnike sebi i činim sebe njima jednakim dajući im svoju slavu. Drugo, budući da si imao takvu zlu želju da si želio biti moćniji od Mene, zbog toga Ja činim grešnike moćnijima od tebe i sudionicima u Mojoj moći. Treće, zbog tvoje zavisti Meni, Ja sam toliko pun ljubavi da sam ponudio samog sebe i žrtvovao sebe za dobrobit svih kroz Moju smrt.“ Nakon toga, naš Gospodin reče:“ Sada je, đavle, tvoje tamno srce prosvijetljeno. Reci Mi, dok ona sluša, kakvu ljubav Ja imam prema njoj.“ Đavo odgovori: „ Kada bi bilo moguće, Ti bi rado otrpio istu bol u svakom i svim udovima, baš kao što si jednom otrpio na križu u svim svojim udovima, prije nego ju izgubio. „Tada naš Gospodin odgovori: „Budući da sam tako milostiv da ne odbijam svoju milost ni oprost nikome tko ih zatraži, pitaj Me tada ponizno za milost ti sam, i Ja ću ti je dati.“ Đavao odgovori: „Nikada to neću učiniti. Jer kada sam pao, kazna je uspostavljena za svaki grijeh i za svaku bezvrijednu riječ i misao. I svaki duh ili đavao koji je pao, imat će svoju kaznu. I prije nego što bih savio svoje koljeno pred Tobom, radije bih gutao sve kazne u sebe, dokle god bi se moja usta mogla otvarati i zatvarati u kazni, tako da bi se moja kazna zauvijek obnavljala.“ Tada naš Gospodin reče svojoj nevjesti: „Vidi kako je otvrdnuo gospodar svijeta i kako je moćan protiv Mene zbog Moje skrivene pravde. Ja bih ga uistinu mogao uništiti u trenutku kroz svoju moć, ali Ja ne činim ništa više nepravde prema njemu nego prema dobrom anđelu u Kraljevstvu nebeskom. Ali kada njegovo vrijeme dođe, a sada se približava, Ja ću ga osuditi s njegovim sljedbenicima. Stoga, Moja nevjesto, budi uvijek ustrajna u svojim dobrim djelima. Voli Me svim svojim srcem. Ne boj se ničega osim Mene. Ja sam, naime, Gospodar nad đavlom i nad svim stvorenim stvarima. Riječi Djevice Marije nevjesti o vlastitoj tuzi za muke Kristove, i o tome kako je svijet bio prodan kroz Adama i Evu i otkupljen natrag kao s jednim srcem kroz Krista i Njegovu Djevicu Majku 35. poglavlje Marija, Majka Božja, govorila je nevjesti Kristovoj i reče: „Moja kćeri razmatraj panju Moga Sina, jer su Njegovi udovi bili kao Moji vlastiti udovi i Njegovo srce kao Moje vlastito srce. Jer baš kao što su druga djeca bila nošena u utrobi svojih majki, tako je i On bio u Meni. No, On je bio začet kroz goruću milost ljubavi Božje. Drugi su, međutim, začeti kroz požudu tijela. Prema tome, Ivan apostol, njegov rođak, s pravom kaže:“Riječ je tijelom postala.“ On je došao kroz ljubav i bio u Meni. Riječ i ljubav su Ga stvorili u Meni. On je uistinu za Mene bio poput Mog vlastitog srca. Jer kada sam Ga rodila, osjetila sam kao da se polovica Moga srca rodila i izašla iz Mene. I kada je podnosio patnju, činilo se kao da Moje vlastito srce pati. Baš kao kada je nešto dopola unutra i otpola vani – vanjska strana osjeti bol i patnju, ali unutarnja strana također osjeća sličnu patnju – tako je bilo Meni kada je Moj Sin bičevan i ranjen; bilo je kao da je Moje vlastito srce bičevano i ranjeno. Ja sam također bila ona koja Mu je bila najbliža za Njegove patnje i nisam se nikada odvajala od Njega. Stajala sam vrlo blizu Njegova križa i, baš kao što ono što je najbliže srcu ubode najgore, tako je Njegova bol bila teža i gora Meni nego drugima. Kada Me pogledao s križa i kada sam Ga vidjela, suze su potekle niz Moje oči kao krv iz vena. I kada Me On vidio tako pogođenu bolom i preplavljujućom tugom, On je osjetio takvu tugu nad Mojom boli da je sva bol iz Njegovih vlastitih rana postala kao stišana i mrtva zbog boli koju je vidio u Meni. Ja mogu stoga hrabro reći da je Njegova bol bila Moja bol jer je Njegovo srce bilo Moje srce. Jer kao što su Adam i Eva prodali svijet za jabuku, tako smo Moj Sin i Ja otkupili svijet natrag kao s jednim srcem. Razmatraj stoga, Moja kćeri, kako sam Ja bila na smrti svojega Sina, i neće ti biti teško ostaviti svijet i njegove brige. Odgovor našeg Gospodina anđelu koji se molio da tuga u tijelu i duši bude dana nevjesti, i o tome kako čak i veća tuga treba biti dana savršenijim dušama. 36. poglavlje Anđeo se molio za nevjestu svoga Gospodara i naš mu Gospodin odgovori: „Ti si poput viteza Gospodarova koji nikada nije odložio svoju kacigu zbog umora i koji nikada nije odvratio svoje oči od bitke zbog straha. Ti si postojan kao planina i gorljiv kao plamen. Tako si čist da nema mrlje u tebi. Moliš Me da imam milosti prema svojoj nevjesti. Ti znaš i vidiš sve stvari u Meni. Ipak, dok ona sluša, reci Mi kakvu milost tražiš za nju; jer milost je naime trostruka. Jedna je milost po kojoj se tijelo kažnjava i muči, a duša se pošteđuje, kao što se dogodilo s Mojim slugom Jobom čije je tijelo moralo otrpjeti svakakve boli i mučenja, ali čija je duša bila zaštićena. Druga je milost ona po kojoj su duša i tijelo pošteđeni muke, kao što je bilo u slučaju kralja koji je živio u svim vrstama požuda i zemaljskih užitaka i nije imao boli niti u tijelu niti u duši dok je živio na svijetu. Treća je milost ona po kojoj su i duša i tijelo kažnjeni, tako da oni imaju teškoća u svom tijelu i tugu u svom srcu, kao što se dogodilo s Petrom i Pavlom i drugim svecima. Jer postoje tri stanja za ljude u svijetu: Prvo je stanje onih koji su pali u grijeh i ustali ponovno; ovima katkad dopustim da pate u svojim tijelima kako bi mogli biti spašeni. Drugo je stanje onih koji bi rado živjeli zauvijek kako bi mogli griješiti zauvijek i koji imaju svu svoju volju i misli usmjerene na svijet, i ako oni učine išta za Mene u bilo koje vrijeme, oni to čine s namjerom rasta i umnožavanja svojih zemaljskih posjeda. Niti kazna tijela niti jake boli srca ne daju se ovim ljudima, nego im je umjesto toga dopušteno slijediti svoju vlastitu moć i volju zato što će primiti nagradu ovdje i za najmanje dobro koje su učinili za Mene, i onda biti mučeni za svu vječnost. Zato što je njihova volja za grijehom vječna, njihova će muka također biti vječna. Treće je stanje onih koji se više boje griješiti protiv Mene i vrijeđati Me nego što se boje ikakve muke. Oni bi radije izdržali da budu mučeni nepodnošljivim bolima u vječnosti nego Me svjesno isprovocirali do gnjeva. Patnje tijela i srca dane su ovim ljudima, kao Petru, Pavlu i drugim svecima, kako bi mogli naknaditi za sve svoje grijehe u ovome svijetu, ili kako bi mogli biti oštro kažnjavani jedno vrijeme radi njihove veće slave i postavljeni kao primjer drugima. Pokazao sam ti ovu trostruku milost prema trima osobama u ovom kraljevstvu čija su ti imena dobro poznata. Ali sada, Moj anđele i slugo, reci Mi, kakvu milost ti moliš za Moju nevjestu?“ On odgovori: „Ja molim za milost njezine duše i tijela, kako bi mogla naknaditi za sve svoje grijehe u ovome svijetu i kako niti jedan od njezinih grijeha ne bi došao pred Tvoj sud.“ Naš Gospodin odgovori:“ Neka bude učinjeno prema tvojoj volji.“ Tada reče nevjesti: „Ti si Moja i Ja ću činiti s tobom kako je volja Moja. Ništa ne voli toliko koliko voliš Mene. Pročišćavaj se stalno od grijeha svaki sat prema savjetu onih kojima sam te povjerio. Ne skrivaj ni jedan grijeh! Ne ostavljaj ništa nepreispitano! Ne smatraj ni jedan grijeh lakim ili dostojnim zanemarivanja! Jer na sve što zaboraviš, Ja ću te podsjetiti i suditi. Niti jedan od grijeha koje si počinila neće doći pred Moj sud ako su kažnjeni i okajani kroz tvoju pokoru dok živiš. Ali oni grijesi za koje nisi napravila nikakvu pokoru, bit će očišćeni ili u čistilištu ili kroz neku Moju tajnu prosudbu, osim ako učiniš punu zadovoljštinu i naknadu za njih ovdje na zemlji.“ Riječi Djevice Marije nevjesti o izvrsnosti Njezina Sina, i o tome kako Krist sada biva razapinjan još okrutnije od svojih neprijatelja, zlih kršćana, nego što je nekoć bio od Židova, i o tome kako će takvi ljudi primiti težu i gorču kaznu. 37. poglavlje Kraljica Neba reče: „Moj Sin imao je tri dobre stvari: Prva je bila to što nitko nikada nije imao tako lijepo tijelo kao On, jer je On imao dvije savršene prirode, naime, svoje Božanstvo i Čovječnost. Njegovo tijelo bilo je tako čisto da, jednako kao što se nikakva mrlja ne može naći u najčišćim očima, tako se niti jedan defekt nije mogao naći na Njegovu tijelu. Drugo dobro bilo je to što On nikada nije zgriješio. Ostala djeca, međutim, katkad podnose grijehe svojih roditelja i katkad svoje vlastite; ali On nikada nije zgriješio, a ipak je podnio grijehe svih. Treće je dobro to što neki ljudi umru radi Boga te kako bi primili veću nagradu, ali On je umro jednako toliko za dobrobit svojih neprijatelja koliko za Mene i svoje prijatelje. Kada su Ga Njegovi neprijatelji razapeli, učinili su Mu četiri stvari: Prvo, okrunili su Ga trnovom krunom. Drugo, proboli su Njegove ruke i noge. Treće, dali su Mu žuči da pije. Četvrto, proboli su Njegov bok. Ali, sada se Ja žalim da neprijatelji Moga Sina, koji su sada u svijetu, Njega razapinju još okrutnije u duhovnom smislu nego Židovi koji su razapeli Njegovo tijelo. Jer, iako Božanstvo ne može trpjeti ni umrijeti, ipak, oni Ga razapinju kroz svoje vlastite opačine i grijehe. Jer ako čovjek uvrijedi ili povrijedi sliku svoga neprijatelja, slika ne osjeća da joj je učinjena šteta; unatoč tome, počinitelj treba biti optužen i osuđen zbog svoje zle namjere činjenja zla jednako kao da se radi o djelu. Na isti su način, poroci i grijesi kojima razapinju Mojega Sina duhovno, Njemu odvratniji i teži od poroka onih koji su razapeli Njegovo tijelo. Ali sada bi mogla pitati: „Kako Ga razapinju?“ Prije svega, vežu Ga na križ koji su pripremili za Njega kada se ne obaziru na zapovijedi njihova Stvoritelja i Gospodina, nego Ga obeščašćuju kada ih On upozorava, kroz svoje sluge da Mu služe, te to preziru i umjesto toga rade ono što njima ugađa. Tada razapinju Njegovu desnu ruku kada drže pravdu za nepravdu, govoreći: “Grijeh nije tako težak i mrzak Bogu kako je rečeno. Bog nikoga ne kažnjava za cijelu vječnost; On nam samo prijeti ovim teškim stvarima da nas uplaši. Zašto bi u protivnom iskupio čovjeka ako je htio da propadnemo?“ Oni ne smatraju da je i posljednji najmanji grijeh, u kojem čovjek nalazi zadovoljstvo, dovoljan da ga osudi na vječne muke, i da Bog ne dopušta da i posljednji najmanji grijeh prođe nekažnjeno, jednako kao što ne dopušta da ni najmanje posljednje dobro djelo prođe nenagrađeno. Dakle, oni će biti mučeni za cijelu vječnost zbog svoje stalne namjere griješenja i Moj Sin, koji vidi srce, uračunava to kao djelo. Jer oni bi ispunili svoju volju djelima kada bi Moj Sin to podnosio ili dopuštao. Tada razapinju Njegovu lijevu ruku kada preokreću vrlinu u grijeh i volju da nastave u grijehu do kraja govoreći : “Ako mi samo jedanput kažemo na kraju našeg života „O Bože, imaj milosti prema meni“, Božja milost tako je velika da će nam biti oprošteno.“ Ali ovo nije vrlina – željeti griješiti bez popravljanja samoga sebe, i željeti primiti nagradu bez rada za nju, ne osim ako se nađe pravo kajanje u srcu da se čovjek želi promijeniti, samo kada bi on to mogao učiniti, a da nije zbog bolesti ili neke druge smetnje. Nakon toga, oni razapinju Njegove noge kada se prepuštaju užitku griješenja a da nijednom ne pomisle na gorke patnje Moga Sina, ili da Mu nijednom ne zahvale iz svojega najintimnijeg srca riječima poput ovih: „Moj Gospodine i Bože, kako je gorka Tvoja patnja bila, slava i čast Tebi zbog Tvoje smrti“ – takve se riječi nikada ne čuju iz njihovih usta. Tada Ga krune krunom podsmijeha kada se izruguju Njegovim slugama i smatraju beskorisnim služiti Mu. Daju Mu piti žuči kada se raduju i slave u grijehu. I niti jednom da bi se javila misao u njihovim srcima o tome kako težak, i mnogobrojan, i opasan njihov grijeh jest. Oni probadaju Njegov bok kada imaju volju nastaviti u grijehu. Uistinu, kažem ti – a ti ovo možeš reći Mojim prijateljima – da su takvi ljudi nepravedniji u očima Moga Sina nego oni koji su Ga osudili, neljubazniji od onih koji su Ga razapeli, besramniji od onih koji su Ga prodali, i oni će stoga primiti veću muku nego ostali. Pilat je znao vrlo dobro da Moj Sin nije zgriješio i nije zaslužio umrijeti. Ali on se svejedno osjećao primoranim osuditi Moga Sina na smrt, jer se bojao gubitka svoje svjetovne moći i pobune Židova. Ali čega bi se ovi trebali bojati ako bi služili Mome Sinu, ili kakvu bi čast ili dostojanstvo oni izgubili kad bi Ga štovali? Oni će stoga biti osuđeni težom kaznom od Pilatove, jer su oni gori od njega u očima Moga Sina. Jer Pilat Ga je osudio zbog zahtjeva i volje ostalih i zbog straha, ali ovi Ga osuđuju zbog svoje vlastite koristi i bez ikakvog straha kada Ga obeščašćuju počinjavajući grijeh od kojega bi se mogli suzdržati kada bi htjeli. Ali oni se ne suzdržavaju od grijeha, niti su posramljeni zbog grijeha koje su počinili, jer ne smatraju da su nedostojni dobrih dijela Onoga kojemu ne služe. Oni su također gori od Jude, jer kada je Juda izdao svog Gospodina, on je znao vrlo dobro da On bijaše Bog, i da je zgriješio teško protiv Njega, ali je izgubio nadu i požurio svoje dane prema paklu smatrajući se nedostojnim života. No, ovi znaju svoje grijehe vrlo dobro, a ipak su i dalje u njima bez osjećaja ikakve grižnje savjesti o tome u svojim srcima. Oni žele uzeti Kraljevstvo nebesko nasiljem i moći kada misle da ga mogu dobiti, ne kroz svoja dobra djela, nego kroz uzaludnu nadu, no ono je dano samo onima koji rade i trpe nešto radi Boga. Oni su također gori od onih koji su razapeli Moga Sina. Jer kada su ovi vidjeli dobra djela Moga Sina, naime, podizanje mrtvih i čišćenje gubavih, pomislili su: „Ovaj čovjek čini nečuvena i izvanredna čuda. On svladava svakoga koga hoće riječju, On zna sve naše misli i čini što god On hoće. Ako je On uspješan, svi ćemo se morati pokoriti Njegovoj moći i postati Njegovi podanici.“ Stoga, kako bi izbjegli da budu podvrgnuti Njemu, oni su Ga razapeli zbog svoje zavisti. Ali da su znali da je On Kralj Slave, nikada Ga ne bi razapeli. Ali ovi ljudi vide Njegova dobra djela i čuda svaki dan, i oni iskorištavaju Njegova dobra djela i slušaju kako bi Ga trebali služiti i prići Mu, ali si misle: „Ako moramo napustiti svu svoju zemaljsku svojinu i slijediti Njegovu volju, a ne svoju vlastitu, bilo bi to teško i nepodnošljivo.“ Oni preziru Njegovu volju tako da ne bi trebala biti stavljena iznad njihove vlastite volje, i razapinju Moga Sina kroz svoja otvrdla srca kada dodaju grijeh na grijeh protiv svoje savjesti. Oni su gori od onih koji su razapeli Moga Sina, jer Židovi su to učinili zbog zavisti i zato što nisu znali da je On Bog, ali ovi znaju da je On Bog, a ipak, u svojoj vlastitoj zlobi, i drskosti, i pohlepi, razapinju Ga duhovno okrutnije no što su to Židovu učinili tjelesno. Jer oni sami otkupljeni su, ali Židovi još nisu bili otkupljeni. Stoga, Moja nevjesto, pokori se Mome Sinu i Njega se boj, jer baš kao što je milosrdan, On je ujedno i pravedan.“ Najugodniji razgovor Boga Oca sa Sinom, te o tome kako je Otac dao novu nevjestu Sinu, i kako ju je Sin primio sebi sa zadovoljstvom, te o tome kako Zaručnik uči nevjestu o strpljenju, poslušnosti i jednostavnosti kroz primjer. 38. poglavlje Otac je razgovarao sa Sinom, rekavši: „Došao sam s ljubavlju prema Djevici i uzeo Tvoje pravo tijelo od nje. Ti si stoga u Meni i Ja u Tebi. Kao što vatra i toplina nikada nisu odvojene, tako je nemoguće odvojiti Božanstvo iz Čovječnosti.“ Sin odgovori: „Neka sva slava i čast budu Tebi, Oče; neka Tvoja volja bude vršena u Meni i Moja u Tebi.“ Otac mu odgovori ponovno: “Evo, Sine Moj, povjeravam Ti ovu novu nevjestu da poput ovce bude vođena i poučena. Kao vlasnik ovce Ti ćeš dobiti od nje sir za hranu i mlijeko za piće te vunu da se odjeneš. A ti bi Ga, nevjesto, trebala slušati. Imaš tri stvari koje moraš učiniti: moraš biti strpljiva, pokorna i voljna činiti što je dobro.“ Tada Sin reče Ocu: „Tvoja volja s moću, moć s poniznošću, poniznost s mudrošću, mudrost s milošću; neka bude volja Tvoja, koja jest i uvijek će biti, bez početka i kraja, u Meni. Ja je uzimam sebi u svoju ljubav, u Tvoju moć i u vodstvo Duha Svetoga, koji nisu tri boga nego jedan Bog.“ Tada Sin reče nevjesti:“ Čula si kako te Otac povjerio Meni poput ovce. Ti moraš stoga biti prostodušna i strpljiva kao ovca i plodna u prinosu hrane i odjeće. Tri su čovjeka u svijetu. Prvi je potpuno gol, drugi je žedan i treći je gladan. Prvi označava vjeru Moje Crkve i gol je zato što je svakoga sram i strah pričati o istini vjere i Mojim zapovijedima. A, ako neki ljudi pričaju ili uče o takvim stvarima, oni su prezreni i optuženi da su lažljivci. Stoga Moje riječi, koje proizlaze iz Mojih usta, trebaju zaodjenuti ovu vjeru kao vuna. Jer kao što vuna raste na tijelu ovce od topline, tako i Moje riječi proizlaze iz topline Moga Božanstva i Čovječnosti do tvoga srca. One će zaodjenuti Moju Svetu Vjeru svjedočanstvom istine i mudrosti i dokazati da vjera koja je sada zanemarivana kao uzaludna, jest istinita, tako da će oni koji su dosad bili lijeni u odijevanju svoje vjere u djela ljubavi, nakon saslušanja Mojih riječi o ljubavi biti obraćeni i potaknuti ponovno kako bi govorili sa sigurnošću vjere i djelovali hrabro. Drugi označava Moje prijatelje koji imaju žarku želju učiniti Moju čast savršenom i rastužuju se na Moja obeščašćenja. Oni će biti ispunjeni slatkoćom koju su čuli u Mojim riječima, i potaknuti većom ljubavlju prema Meni, i zajedno s njima drugi, koji su sada mrtvi u grijehu, bit će također potaknuti u Mojoj ljubavi kada čuju o milosrđu koje sam učinio grešnicima. Treći označava one koji misle ovako u svojim srcima: „Kada bismo samo znali Božju volju i kako bismo trebali živjeti, i kada bi nas netko naučio dobrom načinu, mi bismo rado učinili ono što možemo za čast Božju.“ Ti su gladni upoznati Moj način i volju, ali nitko ih ne hrani jer im nitko ne pokazuje u potpunosti što bi trebali učiniti, a ako im se pokaže ili ih se nauči što bi trebali činiti, nitko ne živi prema riječima sa svojim djelima. I zbog tog razloga njima se riječi doimaju poput mrtvih. Stoga ću im Ja osobno pokazati i podučiti ih što bi trebali činiti i ispuniti ih svojom slatkoćom. Jer svjetovne stvari, koje su viđene i željene sada od gotovo svakoga, ne mogu ispuniti čovječanstvo, nego samo pobuđuju njegovu želju i pohlepu svijeta osvojiti sve više i više stvari. Ali Moje riječi i Moja ljubav nahranit će ljude i ispuniti ih obiljem utjehe. Stoga, Moja nevjesto, koja si Moja ovca, ti moraš voditi računa da zadržiš svoje strpljenje i poslušnost. Ti si sva Moja po pravu i trebala bi stoga slijediti Moju volju. Onaj tko želi slijediti volju drugoga, trebao bi imati tri stvari: Prvo, trebao bi imati istu volju i mišljenje kao drugi; drugo, imati slična djela; treće, trebao bi se odmaknuti od svojih neprijatelja. Ali tko su Moji neprijatelji ako ne ponos i svaki grijeh? Ti bi se stoga trebala odmaknuti od njih ako želiš slijediti Moju volju.“ Krist govori o tome kako su vjera, nada i ljubav nađene savršeno u Njemu u trenutku Njegove smrti, i nalaze se nesavršeno u nama bijednicima. 39. poglavlje Sin Božji reče:“ Ja sam imao tri stvari u svojoj smrti: Prvo, vjeru kada sam savio svoja koljena i molio se Ocu, znajući da bi Me On mogao spasiti od patnji. Drugo, nadu kada sam uporno čekao i rekao: „Ne kako Ja želim.“ Treće, ljubav kada sam rekao: „Budi volja Tvoja.“ Također sam imao tjelesnu agoniju od prirodnog straha od patnje kada je krvavi znoj izašao iz Moga tijela. Stoga, kako se Moji prijatelji ne bi trebali bojati da su napušteni kada trenutak nevolje dođe k njima, Ja sam im pokazao na sebi da slabo tijelo uvijek pobjegne od patnje. Ali sada bi mogla pitati kako je krvavi znoj izašao iz Mog tijela. Baš kao što se krv bolesne osobe isušuje i prožima u svim njenim venama, tako je Moja krv bila prožeta prirodnim strahom od smrti. Moj Otac htio je pokazati način kako će Nebo biti otvoreno i kako će prognanom čovjeku biti omogućeno ući u njega, i stoga Me isporučio iz ljubavi Mojoj patnji u svrhu da Moje tijelo bude proslavljeno u časti nakon što patnje budu ispunjene. Jer pravda nije dopuštala Mom Čovještvu da uđe u slavu bez patnji iako sam bio u mogućnosti učiniti tako kroz moć Moga Božanstva. Kako bi onda zaslužili ući u Moju slavu oni koji imaju malo vjere, ispraznu nadu i nimalo ljubavi? Kada bi vjerovali u vječnu radost Neba i strašne muke pakla, ne bi željeli ništa osim Mene. Kada bi vjerovali da Ja vidim i znam sve stvari i imam moć nad svim stvarima i da zahtijevam sud nad svim, oni bi mrzili svijet i više bi se bojali griješiti preda Mnom nego pred čovjekom. Kada bi imali čvrstu i postojanu nadu, tada bi svaka njihova misao i želja bila usmjerena na Mene. Kada bi imali Božansku ljubav za Mene, tada bi bar razmislili u svojoj duši o tome što sam učinio za njihovu dobrobit, koliko sam se trudio propovijedajući, koliko je velika Moja bol bila u Mojoj patnji i koliko je velika Moja ljubav bila u Mojoj smrti kada sam radije umro nego ih izgubio i napustio. Ali njihova je vjera bolesna i kolebljiva, prijeti da će uskoro pasti, jer oni vjeruju samo kada ih patnje i iskušenja ne napadaju, i gube svoju nadu čim se susretnu s nedaćama. Njihova je nada isprazna jer se nadaju da će njihov grijeh biti oprošten bez pravde i prave presude. Oni se nadaju sa samopouzdanjem da će primiti Kraljevstvo nebesko nizašto i žele primiti Moju milost bez uvjerljive pravde. Njihova ljubav prema Meni potpuno je hladna, jer oni nikada nisu ponukani tražiti Me ili zazivati osim ako ih na to ne prisile nevolje. Kako mogu biti zagrijan od takvih ljudi koji nemaju niti pravu vjeru, niti čvrstu nadu, niti goruću ljubav za Mene? I zato, kada Me zazivaju govoreći: “O Bože, smiluj mi se“, oni ne zaslužuju da ih se čuje niti da uđu u Moju slavu, jer nisu htjeli slijediti svoga Gospodina u patnji i stoga Ga ne trebaju slijediti u slavu. Jer ni jedan vitez ne može ugoditi svom Gospodaru i biti uzet natrag u Njegovu milost nakon svog pada osim ako se prvo ne ponizi u pokori za svoj prezir. Naš Stvoritelj postavlja tri pitanja o svojoj nevjesti. Prvo je o ropstvu muža i dominaciji žene; drugo je o radu muža i trošenju žene; i treće je o preziru gospodara i štovanju sluga. 40. poglavlje „Ja sam tvoj Stvoritelj i Gospodin. Odgovori Mi na tri pitanja koja ću ti postaviti. Kakvo je stanje kuće u kojoj je žena odjevena kao dama, a njezin muž kao rob? Je li to u redu? Ona odgovori u svojoj svijesti: „Ne, Gospodine, nije u redu.“ Naš Gospodin reče: “Ja sam Gospodar svih stvari i Kralj anđela. Ja sam odjenuo svog slugu, imenom svoju Čovječnost, samo korisnošću i nužnošću jer nisam želio ništa od ovoga svijeta osim oskudne hrane i odjeće. Ali ti, koja jesi Moja nevjesta, hoćeš živjeti kao dama i želiš imati bogatstva i počasti i biti držana u štovanju. Koja je korist od svih ovih stvari? Sve su stvari uistinu isprazne i sve stvari moraju biti ostavljene. Čovječanstvo nije stvoreno ni za kakve prekomjernosti, nego da ima samo ono što nužnost prirode zahtijeva. Ove prekomjernosti izumio je ponos i sada se drže i ljube kao zakon. Drugo, reci Mi je li pravo za muža da radi od jutra do mraka i da zatim žena potroši sve što je stečeno u jednom satu? Ona odgovori: “Ne, to nije pravo; žena je, naprotiv, obvezana živjeti i vladati se prema volji svojega muža.“Naš Gospodin reče: “Ja sam se ponašao kao čovjek koji radi od jutra do mraka, s obzirom na to da sam od svoje mladosti sve do trenutka svoje patnje radio na pokazivanju puta u Nebo kroz propovijedi i ispunjavanje onoga što sam propovijedao djelima. No žena, to jest duša koja bi Mi trebala biti poput žene, trati sav Moj trud kada živi lakomisleno, tako da ništa od onoga što sam učinio i otrpio za njezinu dobrobit njoj ne može koristiti, niti Ja nalazim ikakvih vrlina u njoj u kojima bih mogao uživati. Treće, reci Mi, nije li krivo i gnjusno da gospodar kuće bude prezren i da rob bude poštovan?“ Ona odgovori: “Da, uistinu jest.“ Naš Gospodin reče: „Ja sam Gospodar svih stvari. Moja je kuća svijet i čovječanstvo bi, po pravu, trebalo biti Moj sluga. Ali Ja, Gospodar, sada sam preziran u svijetu, a čovjek poštovan. Stoga ćeš ti, koju sam Ja izabrao, voditi računa o tome da činiš Moju volju, jer sve je u svijetu ništa doli morska pjena i lažni san. Riječi našega ljubljenog Stvoritelja u nazočnosti Nebeske vojske i nevjeste, u kojima se žali na petoricu muškaraca, označavajući Papu i njegov kler, zle laike, Židove i pogane; također o pomoći koju šalje svojim prijateljima, označavajući sve čovječanstvo, i o oštroj presudi koju izvršava nad svojim neprijateljima. 41. poglavlje „Ja sam Stvoritelj svih stvari. Ja sam rođen od Oca prije Lucifera. Ja sam neodvojivo u Ocu i Otac u Meni i jedan Duh u nama obojici. Prema tome, postoji jedan Bog – Otac, Sin i Duh Sveti – a ne tri boga. Ja sam onaj koji je obećao vječnu baštinu Abrahamu i izveo svoj narod iz Egipta preko Mojsija. Ja sam onaj koji je govorio po prorocima. Otac Me poslao u utrobu Djevice ne odvajajući se od Mene, nego ostajući neodvojivo sa Mnom kako bi se čovječanstvo, koje je napustilo Boga, vratilo Bogu kroz Moju ljubav. Ali sada, u tvojoj nazočnosti, Moja Nebeska vojsko, iako ti vidiš i znaš sve stvari u Meni, ipak, radi dobrobiti znanja i učenja Moje nevjeste koja stoji ovdje, koja ne može razumjeti duhovne stvari osim kroz tjelesne prispodobe, Ja iznosim pritužbu pred tobom na ovu petoricu muškaraca koji stoje ovdje, jer isprovociraše Me do gnjeva na mnoge načine. Kao što sam nekoć, u Zakonu, imenom Izrael označio cijeli izraelski narod, tako sad ovom petoricom označavam svakog čovjeka u svijetu. Prvi čovjek označava vođu Crkve i njegove svećenike; drugi zle laike; treći Židove; četvrti pogane; i peti Moje prijatelje. Ali od tebe, Židove, Ja isključujem sve Židove koji su kršćani u tajnosti i koji Mi služe potajno u čistoj ljubavi, pravoj vjeri i savršenom djelu. A od tebe, pogane, Ja isključujem sve one koji bi rado išli putem Mojih zapovijedi kada bi samo znali i bili poučeni kako bi se trebali vladati i živjeti, i koji svojim djelima čine koliko znaju i umiju. Takvi nipošto neće biti osuđeni s vama. Ja se sada žalim na tebe, o, vođo Moje Crkve, koji sjediš na Mome prijestolju što sam ga dao Petru i njegovim nasljednicima da sjede na njemu s trostrukim dostojanstvom i moći: Prvo, kako bi imali moć vezivanja i odrješenja duša od njihovih grijeha. Drugo, kako bi otvorili Nebo za pokornika. Treće, kako bi zatvorili Nebo za proklete i one koji preziru Moj Zakon. Ali ti, koji bi trebao iscjeljivati duše i predstavljati ih Meni, ti si uistinu ubojica duša. Ja sam postavio Petra za pastira i čuvara Mojih ovaca. Ali ti ih, međutim, rastjeruješ i ranjavaš. Ti si gori od Lucifera. Jer on je bio zavidan Meni i nije želio ubiti nikoga osim Mene kako bi mogao vladati na Mome mjestu. Ali ti si utoliko gori jer ne ubijaš samo Mene tjerajući Me od sebe tvojim lošim djelima, nego ujedno ubijaš duše svojim lošim primjerom. Ja sam otkupio duše svojom krvlju i povjerio ih tebi kao vjernom prijatelju, ali ti ih isporučuješ opet natrag neprijatelju od kojega sam ih izbavio. Ti si nepravedniji od Pilata. On nije osudio nikoga drugog osim Mene na smrt, ali ti ne samo da Meni sudiš kao da sam nemoćan gospodar i nedostojan ikakve dobre stvari, ne, ti također sudiš i osuđuješ duše nevinih i puštaš krivcima da odu slobodni bez ikakva prijekora. Ti si okrutniji od Jude koji je samo Mene prodao, ti ne prodaješ samo Mene, nego i duše Mojih izabranih ljudi za svoju vlastitu sramotnu dobit i uzaludnog imena radi. Ti zaslužuješ više prezira nego Židovi, jer oni su razapeli samo Moje tijelo, ali ti razapinješ i mučiš duše Mojih izabranih ljudi za koje su tvoja zloba i tvoji grijesi gorči od bilo koje rane od mača. I stoga, jer si sličan Luciferu i nepravedniji od Pilata, i okrutniji od Jude i prezreniji od Židova, Ja se žalim na tebe s pravom. Drugom čovjeku, to jest laicima, naš Gospodin reče: „Ja sam stvorio sve stvari za tvoju korist. Ti si dao svoj pristanak Meni i Ja svoj tebi. Dao si Mi svoju vjeru i obećao prisegom da ćeš Mi služiti. Ali sada si Me napustio poput čovjeka koji ne poznaje svog Boga. Držiš Moju riječ za laž i Moja djela za ispraznost, i govoriš da su Moja Volja i Moje zapovijedi preteške. Ti si prekršio vjeru koju si Mi obećao. Ti si prekršio svoju prisegu i napustio Moje ime. Ti si odvojio sebe od brojnih Mojih svetaca i došao pripadati brojnim đavlima i postao si njihov prijatelj. Ti misliš da nitko nije vrijedan hvale i štovanja osim tebe. Sve što pripada Meni i što si obvezan učiniti za Mene čini ti se teškim i gorkim, ali su ti stvari kojima sam sebi ugađaš vrlo lake. Stoga se žalim na tebe s pravom, jer ti si prekinuo vjeru koju si Mi dao na krštenju i kasnije; i zbog ljubavi koju sam ti pokazao riječju i djelom, rugaš Mi se i nazivaš Me lašcem, i zbog Moje patnje nazivaš Me budalom.“ Trećem čovjeku, to jest Židovima, rekao je: „Započeo sam svoje djelo ljubavi s vama i odabrao vas kao svoj narod. Izveo vas iz ropstva, dao vam svoj Zakon, doveo vas u zemlju koju sam obećao vašim očevima i poslao vam proroke da vas utješe. Nakon toga, odabrao sam Djevicu za sebe iz vaše sredine, od koje sam preuzeo Čovještvo. Ali sada se žalim na vas jer ne želite vjerovati u Mene, nego govorite: “Krist još nije došao; Njega se još uvijek očekuje.“ Naš Gospodin reče četvrtom čovjeku, to jest poganima: „Ja sam te stvorio i otkupio kao kršćanskog čovjeka, i stvorio sam sve dobre stvari za tvoju korist. Ali ti si poput bezumnog čovjeka jer ne znaš što činiš. Također si poput slijepog čovjeka jer ne vidiš kamo ideš. Ti častiš i štuješ stvorene stvari umjesto Stvoritelja, i lažno umjesto istinitog, i svijaš svoje koljeno pred stvarima koje imaju manje vrijednosti od tebe samoga. Zato se žalim na tebe. Petom čovjeku reče: “Moj prijatelju, priđi bliže!“ I izravno reče Nebeskoj vojsci: „Moji ljubljeni prijatelji, Ja imam prijatelja kojim označavam i pod kojim podrazumijevam mnoge prijatelje. On je poput čovjeka zarobljenog među zlim ljudima i oštro okovanog u zatočeništvu. Ako govori istinu, izudaraju njegova usta kamenjem. Ako učini nešto dobro, zabadaju koplje u njegova prsa. Jao, Moji prijatelji i sveci, koliko ću dugo trpjeti takve ljude, i koliko ću dugo tolerirati takav prezir?“ Sveti Ivan Krstitelj odgovori: “Ti si poput najčišćeg ogledala, jer mi vidimo i znamo sve stvari u Tebi kao u ogledalu bez ikakve pomoći riječi ili govora. Ti si slatkoća koju nitko ne može opisati, u kojoj mi kušamo sve dobre stvari. Ti si poput najoštrijeg od mačeva, jer Ti sudiš u pravednosti.“ Naš mu Gospodin odgovori: “Doista, Moj prijatelju, rekao si istinu, jer Moji odabrani ljudi vide svu dobrotu i pravednost u Meni, pa čak i zli duhovi vide u svojoj vlastitoj svijesti, ali ne u svjetlu. Baš kao što čovjek smješten u tamni zatvor, koji je ranije naučio slova, zna ono što je naučio prije iako je u tami i trenutačno ne može vidjeti, tako je i s đavlima. Iako ne vide Moju pravednost u svjetlu Moje bistrine, oni i dalje znaju i vide u svojoj svijesti. Ja sam također kao mač koji razdvaja stvari na dva dijela. Na taj način dajem svima i svakoj osobi ono što zaslužuje.“ Tada naš Gospodin reče Svetom Petru: „Ti si utemeljitelj i branitelj vjere i Moje Crkve. Dok Moja Vojska sluša, izreci kaznu ovoj petorici!“ Petar odgovori: “O, Gospodine, sva slava i čast Tebi zbog ljubavi koju si pokazao prema svojoj zemlji. Blagoslovljen bio Ti od cijele svoje Vojske, jer Ti nam dopuštaš da vidimo i znamo sve stvari u Tebi. Istinita je pravda da prvi čovjek koji sjedi na Tvom prijestolju, imajući Luciferova djela, treba sramno izgubiti prijestolje na koje se usudio sjesti i postati sudionikom u mukama Luciferovim. Pravedan sud drugoga čovjeka jest taj da onaj koji je pao daleko od Tvoje vjere, treba pasti u pakao sa svojom glavom prema dolje i nogama prema gore, jer je volio samoga sebe i prezreo Tebe koji si trebao biti njegova glava. Pravedan sud trećeg čovjeka jest taj da on neće vidjeti lica Tvojega i da bi trebao biti mučen zbog svoje zlobe i pohlepe, jer nevjernici ne zaslužuju vidjeti Tvoju slavu i ljepotu. Pravedan sud četvrtog čovjeka jest taj da bi trebao biti zatvoren kao bezuman čovjek i prognan u grad tame. Pravedan sud petoga jest da bi mu pomoć trebala biti poslana. Tada naš Gospodin odgovori: „Prisežem Bogom Ocem, čiji je glas Ivan Krstitelj čuo u Jordanu; Prisežem tijelom koje je Ivan krstio, vidio i dodirnuo u Jordanu; Prisežem Svetim Duhom koji se objavio u obliku golubice na Jordanu, da ću učiniti pravdu s ovom petoricom.“ Tada naš Gospodin reče prvom od ove petorice: „Mač Moje žestine stupit će u tvoje tijelo; ući će na vrhu tvoje glave i prodrijeti u te tako duboko i nasilno da ga se nikada neće moći izvući. Tvoja stolica potonut će kao težak kamen i neće stati dok ne stigne do najnižih dubina. Tvoji prsti, to jest tvoji pomoćnici i savjetnici, gorjet će u neugasivoj sumpornoj vatri. Tvoje ruke, to jest tvoji dužnosnici, koji su trebali posegnuti za pomoću i dobročinstvom dušama, ali su umjesto toga posegnuli za svjetovnom čašću i dobitkom, bit će osuđeni na muke i patnje o kojima David govori: “Njegovi sinovi bit će siročad i njegova žena udovica, i drugi će zauzeti njegovu baštinu.“ Tko je „njegova žena“ ako ne duša koja će biti isključena iz slave Nebeske i postati udovicom i izgubiti Boga? „Njegovi sinovi“, to jest vrline koje se činilo da ima, i Moji jednostavni i ponizni ljudi koji su bili pod njima, bit će odijeljeni od njih. Njihova čast i imetak bit će dani drugima, i oni će naslijediti vječnu sramotu umjesto svog dostojanstva i slave. Njihove mitre potonut će u prljavštinu pakla i nikada se neće moći izdići iz njega. Baš kao što su se uzdigli iznad drugih kroz svoju čast i ponos, tako će u paklu tonuti toliko dublje od drugih da će im biti nemoguće ikada više ponovno ustati. Njihovi udovi, to jest svi svećenici koji su ih slijedili i pomagali im u opačinama, bit će odsječeni od njih i odijeljeni baš kao zid koji je srušen, gdje ni jedan jedini kamen nije ostao na drugom kamenu, i cement više ne prijanja uz kamenje. Nikakva milost neće doći k njima, jer Moja ih ljubav nikada neće ogrijati niti obnoviti, ili ih podići u vječnu kuću na Nebu, nego će umjesto toga biti isključeni iz svakog dobra i beskrajno mučeni sa svojim predvodnicima i vođama. A drugome kažem: Budući da ti ne želiš zadržati vjeru koju si Mi obećao i imati ljubav prema Meni, Ja ću k tebi poslati životinju koja će se uzdići iz rastuće bujice i progutati te. Kako bujica uvijek teče nizvodno, tako će te ova životinja odvući dolje u najniži pakao, i baš kao što ti je nemoguće putovati uzvodno protiv nadiruće bujice, bit će ti jednako teško ikada se uzdići iz pakla. Trećemu govorim: Budući da ti, Židove, ne želiš vjerovati da sam Ja došao, vidjet ćeš Me kada dođem na Sudnji dan, ali ne u Mojoj slavi, nego u svojoj svijesti, i spoznat ćeš da su sve stvari koje sam govorio istinite. Tada ti ništa drugo nije preostalo nego da budeš mučen kako i zaslužuješ. Četvrtom govorim: Budući da ti ne mariš vjerovati i ne želiš Me poznavati, tvoja će tama postati svjetlo za tebe, i tvoje će srce biti prosvijetljeno kako bi mogao znati da su Moji sudovi istiniti, ali ti i dalje nećeš doći u svjetlost. Petom govorim: Učinit ću ti tri stvari. Prvo, ispunit ću te iznutra svojom toplinom. Drugo, učinit ću tvoja usta jačima i čvršćima od ijednoga kamena, tako da se kamenje okrene na one koji ih bacaju na tebe. Treće, naoružat ću te svojim oružjem tako dobro da ti nijedno koplje neće nauditi, nego će se umjesto toga sve topiti pred tobom kao vosak u toplini vatre. Budi stoga učinjen jakim i stoj kao čovjek. Baš kao vitez u borbi, koji se nada pomoći svoga gospodara i nastavlja borbu sve dok još uvijek ima neke životne sile u njemu, tako i ti stoj čvrsto i bori se kao čovjek; jer će ti Gospodin, tvoj Bog, kojemu se nitko ne može oduprijeti, pružiti pomoć. I s obzirom na to da si malobrojan, Ja ću te častiti i uvelike umnožiti. Evo, Moji prijatelji, vi vidite ove stvari i znate ih u Meni, i na ovaj način oni stoje preda Mnom. Riječi koje sam sad izgovorio bit će ispunjene. A oni nikada neće ući u Moje kraljevstvo dok god sam Ja Kralj ako se ne poprave. Jer Nebo će biti dano samo onima koji se ponize i onima koji tuguju zbog svojih grijeha uz pokoru.“ Tada cijela vojska odgovori: „Slava Tebi, Gospodine Bože, koji si bez početka i bez kraja.“ Riječi savjeta Djevice Marije nevjesti o tome kako bi trebala voljeti Njezina Sina iznad svih stvari, i o tome kako su svaka vrlina i dar milosti sadržani u slavnoj Djevici. 42. poglavlje Majka Božja reče: „Ja sam imala tri stvari kojima sam ugodila svome Sinu: Prvo, poniznost na takav način da niti jedno stvoreno stvorenje, bilo anđeo bilo čovjek, nije bilo poniznije od Mene. Drugo, imala sam poslušnost, jer sam nastojala pokoriti se svom Sinu u svim stvarima. Treće, imala sam posebno milosrđe. Zbog toga sam trostruko počašćena od svoga Sina: Prvo, učinjena sam časnijom od anđela i ljudi, tako da ne postoji vrlina u Bogu koja ne sija u Meni, iako je On izvor i početak svih vrlina i Stvoritelj svih stvari; ali Ja sam, međutim, stvorenje kojemu je On dao više milosti nego svim drugima. Drugo, zbog svoje poslušnosti primila sam takvu moć da ne postoji grešnik tako nečist da neće primiti oproštenje ako se okrene Meni s voljom i namjerom popravljanja i srcem skrušenim zbog svojih grijeha. Treće, zbog Moga milosrđa Bog Mi je tako blizu da onaj koji vidi Boga, vidi Mene, i onaj koji vidi Mene, može vidjeti Božanstvo i Čovječnost u Meni i Mene u Bogu kao kroz ogledalo. Jer onaj koji vidi Boga, vidi tri osobe u Njemu, i onaj koji vidi Mene, također vidi tri osobe. Jer me Božanstvo zatvorilo u dušu i tijelo u Njemu samom i ispunilo me svakom vrlinom, tako da ne postoji vrlina u Bogu koja ne sija i ne pojavljuje se u Meni iako je Bog osobno Otac i davatelj svih vrlina. Jer kao što je s dva tijela spojena zajedno, da što god jedno tijelo prima, drugo tijelo također prima, tako je Bog učinio sa Mnom. Ne postoji slatkoća koja se ne nalazi u Meni. To je kao kad netko ima slatku jezgru i dade dio nje drugome. Moja duša i tijelo bistriji su od sunca i čišći od ogledala, i kao što bi tri osobe bile viđene u ogledalu kada bi stajale blizu njega, tako se Otac, Sin i Duh Sveti mogu također vidjeti u Mojoj čistoći, jer sam jednom imala svoga Sina u svojoj utrobi s Njegovim Božanstvom. On je sada vidljiv u Meni sa svojim Božanstvom i Čovječnošću kao u ogledalu, jer ja sam proslavljena čašću i slavom uskrsnuća. Stoga možeš li ti, Moga Sina nevjesto, nastojati slijediti Moju poniznost i ne voljeti ništa osim Moga Sina.“ Riječi Sina Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako se ljudi mogu uzdići od najmanjeg dobrog djela do najvišeg dobra i pasti dolje od najmanjeg zla do najvećih kazni i mučenja. 43. poglavlje Sin Božji reče svojoj nevjesti: „Velika nagrada katkad proizlazi iz malog dobra. Stablo datulje ima prekrasan miris i u njegovu plodu nalazi se kamen. Ako je zasađeno u plodno tlo, osjeća se dobro, cvjeta i stvara dobre plodove, i izrasta u veliko stablo. Ali ako je zasađeno u suho tlo, uvenut će. Vrlo je suho i prazno od svake dobrote tlo koje uživa u grijehu, i ne postaje bolje čak ni kada se sjeme kreposti posije u njega. Ali plodno je tlo uma koji razumije i priznaje svoje grijehe i plače nad svojim grijehom koji je isprovocirao njegova Stvoritelja do ljutnje. Ako se kamen datulje, to jest ako se misao o Mom teškom sudu i moći posije u takav um, ono odmah udari tri korijena u umu. Prvi je to što on misli kako ništa ne može učiniti bez Moje pomoći, i zbog tog razloga on otvara svoja usta u molitvi prema Meni. Drugi je to što Mi počinje davati male milostinje radi dobrobiti Moje časti. Treći je to što on sam sebe odvaja od svjetovnih afera kako bi Mi bolje služio. On se tada počinje suzdržavati od prekomjernosti kroz dnevni post i suzdržava se od i uskraćuje si vlastitu volju i požudu, i to je deblo stabla. Nakon toga grane ljubavi izrastaju kada vodi i privlači svakoga koga može prema dobru. Tada plod raste, kada on ujedno podučava druge u dobroti onoliko koliko može, i svom pobožnošću pokušava naći načine za povećanje Moje časti. Takav Mi je plod najbolji i najugodniji. I stoga, od malog dobra čovjek se uzdiže do savršenstva. Kada prvi put uzima korijen kroz malo pobožnosti, tijelo raste kroz suzdržljivost, grane se množe kroz milosrđe i plod povećava kroz propovijedanje. Na isti način čovjek pada od malog zla do najvećeg prokletstva i muke. Znaš li što je najteži teret za stvari koje rastu? Zasigurno, to je dijete koje je začeto, ali ne može biti rođeno i umire u utrobi majke. I zbog ovoga majka također puca i umire, i otac nosi nju i dijete do groba i sahranjuje ju s trulim plodom. To je ono što đavao radi duši. Nepravedna je duša uistinu kao žena đavla: ona slijedi njegovu volju svuda, i ona začinje dijete s đavlom kada joj grijeh godi, i ona se raduje u njemu. Jednako kao što majka začne dijete i donosi plod putem malenog sjemena koje je ništa doli nečista trulež, tako i duša nosi obilje plodova za đavla kada uživa u grijehu. Nakon toga, snaga i udovi tijela formiraju se kako se grijeh grijehu dodaje i svakodnevno povećava. Kada se grijeh poveća, majka nabuja i želi roditi, ali ne može jer je njezina priroda prožeta grijehom i njoj život postaje mrzak. Ona bi rado željela griješiti čak i više, ali ne može, i nije dopušteno od Boga. Tada strah stiže zato što ne može ispuniti svoju volju, i njena snaga i radost nestanu. Bol i tuga su svuda. Dok ona sada očajava zbog nemogućnosti da učini ijednu dobru stvar ili ijedno dobro djelo, njena utroba puca i ona umire huleći i vrijeđajući Božji sud i kaznu. Tada je povlači njezin otac, đavao, sve do groba pakla, gdje je sahranjena za svu vječnost s truleži svoga grijeha i djetetom svoje zle požude. Eto kako se grijeh povećava od malog zla i raste do prokletstva.“ Riječi Stvoritelja Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako je sada prezren i prekoravan od strane ljudi koji ne obraćaju pozornost na ono što je učinio iz ljubavi prema njima kada ih je upozoravao kroz proroke i trpio za njihovu dobrobit, te o tome kako oni ne brinu zbog ljutnje koju On iskazuje prema tvrdoglavima teško ih kažnjavajući. 44. poglavlje „Ja sam Tvorac i Gospodar svih stvari. Ja sam stvorio svijet i svijet Me prezire. Ja čujem glas iz svijeta kao onaj bumbara koji okuplja med na zemlji. Jer kada bumbar leti i započinje svoje slijetanja na zemlju, ispušta vrlo hrapav glas. Ja sada čujem ovaj hrapavi i neuki glas na svijetu, govoreći: „Ja ne marim za ono što dolazi nakon ovoga.“ Uistinu, sada svatko viče: “Mene nije briga što dolazi nakon ovoga, i mogu li imati svoju vlastitu volju!“ Doista, čovječanstvo ne mari za ono što sam Ja učinio za ljubav propovijedajući i trpeći za njega, i upozoravajući ga kroz proroke, i ne mari za ono što sam učinio u svojoj ljutnji izvršavajući svoju osvetu nad zlima i neposlušnima. Oni uviđaju da su smrtni i da ih smrt može pogoditi iznenada, ali ne brinu. Oni čuju i vide Moju pravednost koju sam proveo nad Faraonom i nad Sodomom radi njihovih grijeha, i kako sam izvršio osvetu nad drugim kraljevima i vladarima, i kako svakodnevno dopuštam da se događa kroz mač i druge nevolje, ali kao da su slijepi na sve te stvari. I zbog toga lete kao bumbari kamo god požele, i katkad lete kao da poskakuju i žure, jer se uzvisuju u svom ponosu, ali se ubrzo spuštaju vraćajući se svojim požudama i proždrljivosti. Oni također sakupljaju slatkoću zemlje za sebe, jer čovjek radi i sakuplja zbog potreba tijela, a ne radi duše, i radi svjetovne časti, ali ne i vječne. Oni preobražavaju zemaljske stvari u patnju za sebe i, što je beskorisno, u vječnu muku. Ali zbog molitva Moje Majke, Ja ću poslati svoj jasan glas ovim bumbarima iz kojih su Moji prijatelji isključeni (jer oni su u svijetu samo tijelom), i on će propovijedati milosrđe. Ako ga budu poslušali, oni će biti spašeni. Odgovor Djevice Majke i anđela, proroka, apostola, i đavala Bogu, u prisutnosti nevjeste, svjedočeći o Njegovim mnogim vrlinama i Njegovom savršenstvu u stvaralaštvu, utjelovljenju i otkupljenju, te o tome kako zli ljudi danas proturječe svim ovim stvarima, i o teškom sudu koji primaju. 45. poglavlje Majka Božja reče: “Nevjesto Sina Mog, odjeni se i stoj čvrsto, jer Moj ti Sin prilazi. Njegovo tijelo bilo je stisnuto kao u vinskoj preši. Jer, s obzirom na to da je čovječanstvo griješilo u svim svojim udovima, Moj sin je dao naknadu u svim svojim udovima. Njegova je kosa čupana, Njegove tetive istegnute, Njegovi zglobovi dislocirani, Njegove kosti oštećene i Njegove ruke i noge probodene. Njegov um bijaše uznemiren, Njegovo srce pogođeno tugom, Njegova probava prisilno uvučena prema leđima, jer čovječanstvo je zgriješilo u svim svojim udovima. Tada Sin progovori, dok je Nebeska vojska bila prisutna, i reče: “Iako znate sve stvari u Meni, ipak, Ja govorim radi Moje nevjeste koja stoji ovdje. Pitam vas, anđeli: “Što je to bez početka i bit će bez kraja? I što je to što je sve stvorilo i nije ni od kog stvoreno? Objavite što i dajte svoj iskaz!“ Svi anđeli odgovoriše kao jednim glasom i rekoše: “Gospode, to si Ti. Mi ti dajemo svjedočanstvo o trima stvarima: Prvo, da si Ti naš Stvoritelj i da si stvorio sve stvari na Nebu i zemlji. Drugo, da si Ti bez početka i da ćeš biti bez kraja, i Tvoje kraljevstvo i moć stajat će za čitavu vječnost. Bez Tebe ništa nije stvoreno i bez Tebe ništa ne može biti stvoreno. Treće, mi svjedočimo da vidimo svu pravednost u Tebi i sve stvari koje su bile i koje će biti, i sve stvari su prisutne u Tebi bez početka i bez kraja. Tada On reče prorocima i patrijarsima: „Pitam vas: tko vas je izveo iz ropstva u slobodu? Tko je odijelio vode za vas? Tko vam je dao Zakon? Tko vam je dao proročki duh da govorite o budućim stvarima?“ Oni Mu odgovoriše rekavši: „Ti, Gospode. Ti si nas izveo iz ropstva. Ti si nam dao Zakon. Ti si potaknuo duh naš da govori i proriče o budućim stvarima.“ Tada On reče svojoj majci: „Daj istinsko svjedočanstvo o tome što znaš o Meni.“ Ona odgovori: „Prije nego što je anđeo, kojega si Ti poslao, došao k Meni, bila sam usamljena u duši i tijelu. Ali nakon anđeoskih riječi Tvoje tijelo bilo je u Meni s Božanstvom i Čovječnošću, i osjetih Tvoje tijelo u Mome tijelu. Nosila sam te bez boli i patnji. Rodila sam Te bez muka i porođajnih trudova. Umotala sam Te u siromašnu odjeću i nahranila Te svojim mlijekom. Bila sam s Tobom od Tvog rođenja do Tvoje smrti. Nakon toga reče apostolima: „Recite koga ste vi to vidjeli, čuli i dotaknuli?“ Oni odgovoriše: „Čuli smo Tvoje riječi i zapisali ih. Čuli smo i vidjeli velika djela koja si učinio kada si nam dao Novi Zavjet. Zapovijedao si demonima jednom riječju da napuste ljude i oni su te slušali i odlazili, i svojom riječju Ti si dizao mrtve i ozdravljao bolesne. Mi smo Te vidjeli u tijelu čovjeka. Vidjeli smo Tvoju veliku moć i Božansku slavu s Tvojom ljudskom prirodom. Vidjeli smo Te predanog Tvojim neprijateljima i vidjeli smo Te raspetog na križu. Vidjeli smo kako podnosiš najgorču bol i vidjeli smo Tebe položenog u grob. Dotaknuli smo Te kada si ustao iz mrtvih. Dotaknuli smo Tvoju kosu i Tvoje lice. Dotaknuli smo mjesta Tvojih rana i Tvoje udove. Ti si jeo s nama i dao nam svoju rječitost. Ti si istinski Sin Božji i Sin Djevice. Također smo promatrali kada si uzašao sa svojom Čovječnošću zdesna Ocu, gdje sada jesi i bit ćeš bez kraja.“ Tada Bog reče nečistim demonskim duhovima: „Iako vi skrivate istinu u svojoj svijesti, ipak, sada vam zapovijedam da govorite istinu o tome tko je taj koji je smanjio vašu moć.“ Oni mu odgovoriše: „Baš kao što lopovi ne govore istinu osim ako su im stopala stiješnjena u tvrdo drvo, tako ni mi ne govorimo istinu osim ako smo primorani Tvojom Božanskom i zastrašujućom moći. Ti si taj koji se, sa svojom moći, spustio u pakao. Ti si smanjio našu moć u svijetu. Ti si uzeo iz pakla što je bilo Tvoje s pravom, to jest svoje prijatelje.“ Tada naš Gospodin reče: „Evo, svi oni koji imaju duh i nisu odjeveni u tijelo, svjedoče istinu za Mene. Ali oni koji imaju duh i tijelo, odnosno ljudi, proturječe Mi. Neki znaju istinu o Meni, ali ne mare za nju. Drugi ju ne znaju i stoga ne mare za nju, nego govore da je sve lažno.“ On ponovno reče anđelima: „Oni kazuju da je vaše svjedočenje lažno, da Ja nisam tvorac svih stvari i da sve stvari nisu poznate u Meni. Dakle, oni vole stvorene stvari više od Mene, kojih sam Ja Tvorac.“ On reče prorocima: “Oni vam proturječe i kazuju da je Zakon beskoristan, da možeš biti spašen kroz svoju vlastitu moć i mudrost, da je duh bio lažan i da ste vi govorili prema svojoj vlastitoj volji.“ Reče svojoj Majci: „Neki govore da nisi Djevica, a drugi da nisam uzeo tijelo od Tebe. Drugi znaju, ali ne mare za to.“ Reče apostolima: „Oni vam proturječe, jer govore da ste lašci i da je Novi Zakon iracionalan i beskoristan. Drugi vjeruju da je istinit, ali ne mare za to. Sada vas pitam: „Tko će biti njihov sudac?“ Svi Mu odgovoriše rekavši: “Ti, Bože, koji si bez početka i bez kraja. Ti, Isuse Kriste, koji si s Ocem, Tebi je sav sud dan od Oca, Ti si njihov sudac.“ Naš Gospodin odgovori: “Ja, koji sam tugovao za njima, sada sam njihov sudac. No, iako znam i mogu učiniti sve stvari, ipak, dajte Mi svoj sud nad njima.“ Oni Mu odgovoriše: “Baš kao što je cijeli svijet propao jednom na početku svijeta u Noinu potopu, tako i sada svijet zaslužuje propasti od vatre, s obzirom na to da su izopačenost i nepravda mnogo veće sada nego što su bile tada.“ Tada naš Gospodin odgovori: “Budući da sam pravedan i milosrdan, neću činiti sud bez milosrđa, niti milosrđe bez pravde, i stoga Ja ću još jedanput poslati svoje milosrđe na svijet radi molitava Moje Majke i Mojih svetaca. Ali ako oni ne žele slušati, najteža i najoštrija pravda uslijedit će i sustići ih.“ Riječi hvale Majke i Sina međusobno u nazočnosti nevjeste, te o tome kako je danas Krist smatran sramotnim, nepoštenim i prezrenim od ljudi, i o užasavajućem i vječnom prokletstvu tih ljudi. 46. poglavlje Kraljica Neba govorila je svom Sinu i rekla: „Blagoslovljen budi Ti, Moj Bože, koji si bez početka i bez kraja. Ti si imao najplemenitije i prekrasno tijelo. Ti si bio najhrabriji i najkreposniji čovjek. Ti najdostojanstvenije stvorenje. Sin odgovori: “Riječi koje izlaze iz tvojih usta slatke su Mi i oduševljavaju najdublje dijelove Moga srca kao najslađe piće. Ti si mi slađa više od svih ostalih stvorenja u postojanju. Jednako kao što osoba može vidjeti različita lica u ogledalu, ali ni jedno joj se ne svidi više od vlastitog, tako također, iako Ja volim svoje svece, Tebe volim posebnom ljubavlju, jer sam rođen od Tvoga blagoslovljenog tijela. Ti si poput smirne čiji je miris uzišao do Božanstva i vodio Božanstvo do Tvoga tijela. Ovaj isti miris privukao je Tvoje tijelo i dušu do Boga, gdje se sada nalaziš s dušom i tijelom. Blagoslovljena budi, jer anđeli uživaju u Tvojoj ljepoti i svi se spašavaju po Tvojoj kreposti i moći kada Te zazovu iskrenim srcem. Svi demoni drhte u Tvom svjetlu i ne usuđuju se ostati u Tvom sjaju, jer oni uvijek žele biti u tami. Ti si Mi dala hvalu iz trostrukog razloga, jer si rekla da sam imao najplemenitije tijelo: drugo, da sam bio najhrabriji čovjek; treće, rekla si da sam bio najdostojanstvenije stvorenje. Ovim trima tvrdnjama proturječe samo oni koji imaju tijelo i dušu, to jest ljudska bića. Oni govore da imam sramotno tijelo i da sam najprezreniji čovjek i najniže od stvorenja. Jer što ima sramotnije od dovođenja drugih u iskušenje grijeha? Jer oni tvrde da Moje tijelo mami na grijeh kada kažu da grijeh nije tako odvratan i neugodan za Boga koliko sam Ja rekao. Oni tvrde da ništa ne postoji osim ako Bog želi da bude tako i da ništa nije stvoreno osim po Njemu. „Zašto ne bismo koristili stvorene stvari u svoju korist? Naše prirodne slabosti to zahtijevaju, i ovako su živjeli svi prije nas i još uvijek žive.“ Tako ljudi sada govore o Meni i Mojoj Čovječnosti, u kojoj sam se Ja, istinski Bog, pojavio među ljudima. Jer Ja sam ih savjetovao da se suzdrže od grijeha i pokazao kako je to ozbiljna i teška stvar, i to je, kažu, bilo sramotno, kao da sam ih savjetovao da učine nešto beskorisno i sramotno. Oni tvrde da ništa osim grijeha, i onoga što ugađa njihovoj volji, nije vrijedno poštovanja. Oni također tvrde da sam Ja najsramotniji čovjek. Jer što je sramotnije od nekoga tko, kada govori istinu, biva izudaran po ustima kamenjem i biva udaran u lice, i osim toga, sluša ljude kako ga vrijeđaju govoreći: „Da je čovjek, osvetio bi sam sebe zbog takve nepravde.“ To je ono što Mi čine. Govorim im kroz učene oce i Sveto Pismo, ali oni kažu da lažem. Oni tuku Moja usta kamenjem i svojim šakama kada čine preljub, ubojstvo, i lažu govoreći: „Da je bio muško, da je bio Svemogući Bog, osvetio bi se za takve grijehe i prijestupe.“ Ali Ja to podnosim sa strpljenjem i svakoga ih dana čujem kako govore da muka nije ni vječna ni teška ni gorka, kako je rečeno, i Moje su riječi osuđene i prokazane kao laž. Treće, osuđuju Me da sam najružnije i najbezvrjednije stvorenje. Jer što je bezvrjednije u kući od psa ili mačke koje bi netko rado zamijenio za konja kada bi mogao? Ali čovjek Me drži manje vrijednim od psa, jer ne bi Me poželio uzeti kada bi to značilo da bi izgubio psa, i on bi Me odbacio i zanijekao prije nego izgubio pseću kućicu. Što je stvar koja ugađa umu tako malo da se čovjek ne zamisli o njoj i ne poželi ju gorljivije nego Mene. Jer kada bi Me smatrali vrjednijim od ijednog drugog stvorenog stvorenja, voljeli bi Me više od drugih stvari. Ali sada nemaju ništa tako malo da to ne vole više od Mene. Oni tuguju za svime osim za Mnom. Oni tuguju za svojim vlastitim i njihova prijatelja gubitkom. Oni tuguju nad uvredljivom riječju. Oni tuguju nad uvredom ili povredom ljudi na višim pozicijama i moćnijih od njih, ali ne tuguju zbog uvrede ili povrede Mene, koji sam Stvoritelj svih stvari. Koji je čovjek toliko prezren da nije saslušan ako moli za nešto i nije mu dan dar zauzvrat ako je darovao nešto. Ali Ja sam potpuno zao i vrijedan prezira u njihovim očima, jer oni Me smatraju nedostojnim ikakva dobra iako sam im Ja dao sve dobre stvari. Ali Ti si, Moja najdraža Majko, okusila više Moje mudrosti od drugih, i nikada ništa osim istine nije napustilo Tvoja usta, kao što ništa osim istine nikada nije napustilo Moja vlastita usta. Ja ću se sada opravdati u očima svih svetih. Prvo, protiv njega, koji tvrdi da sam imao sramotno tijelo. Dokazat ću da Ja uistinu imam najplemenitije tijelo bez ikakve deformacije ili grijeha, i on će pasti u vječni sram i poniženje koje će svi vidjeti. Onome koji tvrdi da su Moje riječi bile laž i da on nije znao jesam li Ja Bog ili ne, dokazat ću da Ja uistinu jesam Bog, i on će oteći kao mulj u pakao. Ali trećeg, koji me smatrao beskorisnim, osudit ću na vječno prokletstvo tako da nikada neće vidjeti Moju slavu i Moju radost.“ Nakon toga reče svojoj nevjesti: “Stoj čvrsto u Mojoj službi. Ti si došla do zida, takoreći, u kojemu si zatvorena, tako da ne možeš pobjeći niti prokopati kroz njegove temelje. Izdrži voljno ovo malo nevolje i iskusit ćeš vječni počinak u Mojim rukama. Ti znaš volju Oca, ti čuješ riječi Sina, ti osjećaš Moj Duh i imaš užitak i utjehu u razgovorima s Mojom Majkom i Mojim svecima. Stoga stoj čvrsto ili ćeš u protivnom osjetiti Moju pravdu kojom ćeš biti prisiljena učiniti ovo što te sada ljubazno pozivam da učiniš.“ Riječi našeg Gospodina Njegovoj nevjesti o preziru Novog Zakona, i o tome kako je taj isti Zakon sada odbačen i prezren u svijetu, i o tome kako loši svećenici nisu Božji svećenici nego Božji izdajnici, i o kazni i prokletstvu koje primaju. 47. poglavlje „Ja sam Bog koji je u drevne dane zvan Bog Abrahamov, Bog Izakov i Bog Jakovljev. Ja sam Bog koji je dao Zakon Mojsiju. Taj zakon bio je poput odjeće. Jednako kao što majka s djetetom u utrobi priprema svog novorođenčeta odjeću, tako sam i Ja, Bog, pripremio Novi Zakon, jer je Stari Zakon bio ništa doli odjeće i sjene, i znaka budućih stvari koje dolaze. Ja sam odjenuo i omotao sebe u odjeću ovog Zakona. I tada, kako dječak odrasta pomalo, njegova se stara odjeća odlaže i uzima nova odjeća. Na ovaj način Ja sam ispunio Stari Zakon kada sam odložio korištenu odjeću Starog Zakona, i preuzeo novu odjeću, to jest Novi Zakon, i dadoh tu odjeću i sebe svima koji su nas htjeli imati. Ova odjeća nije jako uska niti ju je teško nositi, nego naprotiv, dobro pristaje posvuda. Jer Moj Zakon ne naređuje narodu da posti, ili radi previše, niti da se ubije ili učini išta izvan granica mogućnosti, nego je koristan za dušu i pogodan za obuzdavanje, obamiranje i kažnjavanje tijela. Jer kada se tijelo previše veže za grijeh, tada grijeh proždire tijelo. Dvije se stvari nalaze u Novom Zakonu: Prvo, razborita umjerenost u duši i tijelu i prava namjena svih stvari. Drugo, spremnost na obaziranje i održavanje Zakona; s obzirom na to da osoba koja ne može izdržati ustrajati u jednoj stvari, može ustrajati u drugoj. Iz ovoga slijedi da osoba koja ne može izdržati biti djevicom, može živjeti u čestitom braku, i onaj koji padne u grijeh može ustati opet i popraviti se. Ali ovaj Zakon sada je odbačen i prezren od svijeta. Jer oni tvrde da je Zakon strog, težak i ružan. Tvrde da je strog jer Zakon naređuje pojedincu da bude zadovoljan neophodnim i da bježi od prekomjernosti. Ali oni žele imati sve stvari bez razloga, poput nerazumne stoke i iznad potreba tijela, i zato im je Zakon prestrog. Drugo, tvrde da je težak jer Zakon kaže da bi pojedinac trebao uživati s razumnom umjerenošću i u utvrđeno vrijeme. No, oni žele ispuniti svoje požude više od onoga što je dobro i više od onoga što je osnovano. Treće, kažu da je ružan zato što im Zakon nalaže da vole poniznost i pripisuju svako dobro Bogu. Ali oni žele biti ponosni i sebe uzvisivati radi dobrih stvari koje im je Bog dao, i zato im se Zakon čini ružnim i ispraznim. Pogledaj kako je prezrena i zlostavljana Moja odjeća. Ja sam ispunio sve iz Starog Zakona prije nego što sam započeo Novi Zakon. Jer je Stari Zakon bio pretežak i Moja je namjera bila da se Novi Zakon održi dok ne dođem na suđenje. Ali oni sramotno odbacuju odjeću kojom sam pokrio dušu, odnosno pravu vjeru. I povrh toga, oni dodaju grijeh na grijeh jer Me ujedno žele izdati. Ne govori li David u psalmu: “Onaj koji je jeo moga kruha, mislio je o izdaji protiv mene“? U ovim riječima želim da zapaziš dvije stvari. Prvo, on ne kaže „misli“ nego „mislio“, kao da se već dogodilo. Drugo, on označava jednog čovjeka izdajnikom. Ali Ja kažem da Me oni koji su sada prisutni izdaju, ne oni koji su bili ili će doći, nego oni koji su sada živi. Ja također kažem da to nije jedan čovjek, nego mnoštvo. Ali sada bi Me mogla pitati: „Ne postoje li dvije vrste kruha, jedan nevidljivi i duhovni, od kojega anđeli i sveci žive, i drugi zemaljski, kojime se ljudi hrane? No, anđeli i sveci ne žele ništa drugo osim onoga što je u skladu s Tvojom voljom, i ljudi ne mogu učiniti ništa drugo osim onoga što Ti se sviđa. Kako Te onda mogu izdati?“ Odgovorit ću ti u prisutnosti Moje nebeske vojske koja zna i vidi sve stvari u Meni, no Ja ovo govorim radi tvoje dobrobiti, kako bi ti mogla razumjeti: Postoje zaista dvije vrste kruha. Jedan je onaj anđela koji jedu Moj kruh u Mom kraljevstvu kako bi mogli biti ispunjeni Mojom neopisivom radošću. Oni Me ne izdaju jer ne žele ništa drugo osim onoga što Ja želim. Ali oni koji Me izdaju oni su koji jedu Moj kruh na oltaru. Ja uistinu jesam kruh. Taj kruh ima tri karakteristike: oblik, okus i zaobljenost. Ja sam doista Kruh. I, poput kruha, Ja imam tri stvari u sebi: okus, oblik i zaobljenost. Imam okus jer, kao što je sva hrana bezukusna bez kruha i ne daje snagu, tako je i bez Mene sve što postoji bezukusno, nemoćno i isprazno. Također, imam i oblik kruha s obzirom na to da sam od zemlje. Rođen sam od Djevice Majke, a Moja je Majka od Adama, a Adam je od zemlje. Imam također zaobljenost kojoj ne postoji kraj niti početak, s obzirom na to da sam Ja bez početka i bez kraja. I nitko nije u stanju vidjeti ili naći kraj ili početak u Mojoj mudrosti, moći ili milosrđu. Ja sam u svim stvarima, nad svim stvarima i izvan svih stvari. Čak i kada bi netko letio poput najbrže strijele neprestano bez kraja, on i dalje nikada ne bi našao kraj ili ograničenje Moje moći i kreposti na račun ove tri stvari: imenom okus, oblik i zaobljenost. Ja sam taj kruh koje je viđen i dodirivan na oltaru i pretvara se u Moje tijelo koje je razapeto. Jednako kao što je suh i lako zapaljiv komad drveta brzo prožet ako se stavi u vatru, i ništa ne ostaje od drveta, nego je sve vatra; stoga kada su ove riječi rečene, „Ovo je Moje tijelo“, ono što je prethodno bilo kruh odmah postaje Moje tijelo, ali nije zapaljeno vatrom kao drvo, nego Mojim Božanstvom. Zato Me oni koji jedu Moj kruh izdaju. Koje ubojstvo može biti kukavnije i odvratnije nego kada netko ubije sam sebe? I koja je izdaja gora nego kada je dvoje vezano neraskidivom vezom, i jedan izdaje drugoga, kao što je slučaj s ljudima u braku. Ali što čovjek čini kako bi izdao svoju ženu? Doista, on joj neiskreno govori: “Hajdemo na takvo i takvo mjesto kako bih mogao ispuniti svoju volju s tobom.“ Ona odlazi s njim u istinskoj jednostavnosti, spremna na svaku želju svoga muža. Ali kada on nađe prikladno vrijeme i mjesto, on diže protiv nje tri načina izdaje: Ili nešto tako teško da je ubija jednim udarcem, ili nešto tako oštro da reže pravo kroz njenu utrobu, ili nešto da uguši duh života izravno u njoj. Tada, kada je ona mrtva, izdajnik si misli: „Sada sam učinio krivo. Ako moj zločin postane poznat javnosti, bit će mi suđeno na smrt.“ Stoga odlazi i polaže tijelo svoje mrtve žene na neko skrovito mjesto kako njegov grijeh ne bi mogao biti otkriven. To je ono što svećenici koji su Moji izdajnici čine Meni. Jer smo oni i Ja združeni zajedno po jedinstvenoj vezi kada uzimaju kruh i izgovaraju riječi koje ga mijenjaju u Moje pravo tijelo, koje sam je preuzeo od Djevice. Ni jedan anđeo to ne bi mogao učiniti, jer Ja sam dao to dostojanstvo samo svećenicima i izabrao njih za najvišu službu. Ali sada se oni odnose prema Meni kao izdajnici jer Mi pokazuju sretno i ljubazno lice i vode Me do skrovitog mjesta da Me izdaju. Ovi svećenici pokazuju Mi sretno lice kada se prikazuju dobrima i jednostavnima, i izdajnički Me vode do skrovitog mjesta kada prilaze oltaru. Tamo sam Ja spreman kao mladenka ili mladoženja učiniti svu njihovu volju, ali oni Me izdaju. Prvo polože nešto teško preko Mene kada je Božanska služba, kako nazivaju Mene, teška i tegobna za njih. Oni bi radije izgovorili stotinu riječi u čast svijeta nego jednu u Moju čast. Oni bi radije dali stotinu zlatnih novčića za slavu svijeta nego jedan peni za Moje dobro. Oni bi radije radili stotinu puta za svoju vlastitu korist i onu svjetovnu, nego jednom za Moju čast. Oni Me pritišću ovim teškim teretom, pa je kao da sam mrtav u njihovim srcima. Drugo, oni Me probadaju oštrim mačem koji prodire u utrobu kad god svećenik odlazi do oltara sa znanjem da je sagriješio i pokajao se, ali ipak čvrsto odlučio sagriješiti ponovno kada služba završi, misleći tako sam sebi: „Istinski sam se pokajao za svoj grijeh, ali neću se odreći žene s kojom sam zgriješio kako više ne bih mogao griješiti s njom.“ Ovi Me svećenici probadaju najoštrijim mačem. Treće, oni guše duh kada si misle iznutra na ovaj način: „Dobro je i divno biti sa svijetom i dobro je živjeti u požudi i ja se ne mogu obuzdati. Ja ću činiti svoju volju u svojoj mladosti; kada ostarim, ja ću postati suzdržan i popraviti se.“ I ovom bijednom mišlju duh života je ugušen. Ali sada bi mogla pitati kako njihova srca postaju tako hladna i mlaka prema Meni i svemu dobrom da se oni nikada ne mogu zagrijati ili ponovno uzdići do Moje ljubavi. Kao što se led ne može zapaliti čak ni ako je položen na vatru, nego se samo topi u vodi, jednako tako, čak i ako im dam svoju milost i čuju Moje riječi opomene, oni ne mogu ustati do topline života, nego se suše i izblijede od sveg dobrog. Pogledaj kako Me izdaju time što se pokazuju da su jednostavni a da nisu takvi, i što su opterećeni i depresivni zbog Moje časti, u kojoj bi umjesto toga trebali uživati i radovati se, i također u tome što je njihova volja da griješe i nastave u grijehu sve do kraja. Oni Me skrivaju i odlažu na skrovito mjesto kada si misle: „Ja znam da sam zgriješio mnogo, ali ako se suzdržim od svoga Bogoslužja, svi će mi zamjeriti i osuditi me kao zlo.“ I tako oni besramno odlaze do oltara, i polažu Me pred sebe, i dodiruju Mene, koji jesam istinski Bog i istinski čovjek. Ja sam, takoreći, na skrovitom mjestu s njima, s obzirom na to da nitko ne zna niti vidi kako zli i odvratni oni jesu. Ja, istinski Bog i čovjek, ležim tamo kao u skrivenom mjestu, jer čak i ako najgori svećenik izgovori riječi „Ovo je Moje tijelo“, on i dalje posvećuje Moje pravo tijelo i Ja, istinski Bog i istinski čovjek, ležao bi tamo pred njim. Ali kada on stavi Moje tijelo u svoja usta, tada Ja više nisam prisutan za njega kroz milost Mojeg Božanstva i Čovječnosti; samo oblik i okus kruha ostaju za njega, ali ne zato što ja nisam istinski prisutan za zlo kao s dobrim uslijed službe sakramenta, nego zato što zlo i dobro ne dobivaju istu korist ili perfekciju od Mojeg tijela. Vidi kako ovi svećenici nisu Moji svećenici, nego pravi izdajnici, jer Me prodaju i izdaju kao Juda. Ja promatram pogane i Židove, ali ne vidim nikoga goreg od ovih svećenika, jer oni se nalaze u istom grijehu koji je učinio da Lucifer padne s Nebesa. Ali sada ću ti također reći njihovu presudu i kome su oni nalik. Njihova je presuda prokletstvo. David je osudio one koji su bili nepokorni Bogu, i zato što je on bio pravedan prorok i kralj, on nije osuđivao iz gnjeva ili loše volje ili nestrpljenja, nego iz Božanske pravde. Tako i Ja, koji sam bolji od Davida, osuđujem one koji su sada svećenici, ne zbog gnjeva ili loše volje, nego radi pravde. Prokleto bilo stoga sve ono što uzimaju od zemlje za svoju vlastitu korist, jer oni ne hvale svog Boga i Stvoritelja koji im je to dao. Prokleta bila njihova hrana i piće koje ulazi u njihova usta i hrani njihova tijela da postanu hrana za crve, i predodredi njihove duše za pakao. Prokleta bila njihova tijela koja će ponovno ustati u paklu da pate i gore za cijelu vječnost. Proklete bile godine u kojima su oni živjeli beskorisno. Proklet bio trenutak kojim započinje pakao za njih i koji nikada neće završiti. Proklete bile njihove oči kojima su vidjeli svjetlost Neba. Proklete bile njihove uši kojima su čuli Moje riječi i nisu marili. Proklet bio njihov okus kojim su kušali Moje darove. Proklet bio njihov dodir kojim su Me dodirivali. Proklet bio njihov njuh kojim su mirisali radosne stvari svijeta i zaboravili na najradosniju od svih. Ali sada bi mogla pitati: Kako će biti prokleti duhovno? Dakle, njihov će vid biti proklet jer neće vidjeti viziju Boga u njemu samom nego samo tamu i patnje pakla. Njihove će uši biti proklete jer neće ćuti Moje riječi nego samo urlike i strahote pakla. Njihov okus bit će proklet jer neće okusiti Moja vječna dobra i radost, nego samo vječnu gorčinu. Njihov dodir bit će proklet zato što Me neće dodirnuti, nego samo vječne vatre u paklu. Njihov njuh bit će proklet jer neće mirisati slatki miris Moga kraljevstva koji nadilazi sve slatke mirise, nego će imati samo prljavi smrad pakla koji je gorči od žuči i gori od sumpora. Oni će biti prokleti od Neba i zemlje i svih bezumnih stvorenja, jer ovi se pokoravaju Bogu i slave Ga, dok Ga oni odbacuju. Stoga Ja, koji sam Istina, zaklinjem se u Mojoj istini da ih, ako umru ovakvi i u ovakvim određenjima u kojima se sada nalaze, ni Moja ljubav ni Moja krepost nikada ih neće obuhvatiti, nego će umjesto toga biti prokleti za cijelu vječnost, i ne samo svećenici, nego i svi koji odbacuju zapovijedi Božje! O tome kako je, u prisutnosti Nebeske vojske i nevjeste, Božanstvo govorilo Čovječnosti protiv Kršćana, baš kao što je Bog govorio Mojsiju protiv naroda izraelskog, te kako prokleti svećenici ljube svijet i preziru Krista, i o njihovoj osudi i prokletstvu. 48. poglavlje Velika vojska bijaše viđena u Nebu i Bog joj reče: Moji prijatelji, koji znate i razumijete i vidite sve stvari u Meni, Ja govorim u vašoj nazočnosti radi dobrobiti Moje nevjeste koja stoji ovdje, kao netko tko razgovara sam sa sobom, jer na taj način Moje Božanstvo komunicira s Mojom Ljudskošću. Mojsije je bio s Bogom na planini četrdeset dana i noći i, kada narod vidje da ga nema toliko dugo, uze zlato i baci ga u vatru, i oblikovaše tele od njega, nazivajući ga svojim bogom. Tada Bog reče Mojsiju: „Ljudi su zgriješili. Ja ću ih uništiti baš kao što se nešto napisano briše iz knjige.“ Mojsije odgovori: “Ne, Gospodaru moj, nemoj! Sjeti se da si ih Ti izveo iz Crvenog mora i činio čuda za njih. Ako ih izbrišeš i uništiš, gdje je tada Tvoje obećanje? Preklinjem Te, ne čini to, jer tada će Tvoji neprijatelji reći: Bog izraelski, koji je izveo narod iz mora, ali ga ubio u pustinji, zao je.“ I Bog bijaše smiren tim riječima. Ja sam taj Mojsije, simbolično govoreći. Moje Božanstvo govori Mojoj Čovječnosti baš kao Mojsiju, riječima: 'Pogledaj što je Tvoj narod učinio, i vidi kako su Me prezreli. Svi Kršćani bit će ubijeni i njihova vjera iskorijenjena.' Moja Ljudskost odgovara:' Ne, Gospodine. Sjeti se da sam Ja izveo ljude kroz more u svojoj krvi kada sam bio ozlijeđen od vrha Moje glave do tabana Mojih stopala. Ja sam im obećao vječni život; imaj milosti prema njima Moje patnje radi.' Nakon što je saslušalo ove riječi, Božanstvo je bilo umireno i reče:' Budi volja Tvoja, jer sav je sud dan Tebi.' Vidite koja ljubav, Moji prijatelji! Ali sada, u vašoj prisutnosti, Moji duhovni prijatelji, anđeli i sveci, i u prisutnosti Mojih tjelesnih prijatelja koji su u svijetu, a ipak nisu u svijetu, osim sa svojim tijelom, Ja se žalim da Moj narod skuplja drvo za ogrjev i pali vatru, baca zlato u vatru kako bi se tele pojavilo da ga obožava i štuje kao Boga. Ono stoji kao tele na četiri noge imajući glavu, grlo i rep. Kada se Mojsije zadržao na planini dugo vremena bez povratka, narod reče: „Mi ne znamo što se moglo dogoditi s njim nakon ovako dugo vremena.“ I oni bijahu nezadovoljni što ih je izveo iz zatočeništva i ropstva, i rekoše: “Nađimo si drugog boga da ide pred nama.“ To ovi prokleti svećenici sada rade Meni. Jer oni govore: 'Zašto bismo mi imali isposničkiji život od drugih? Što je naša nagrada za to? Bolje nam je živjeti u miru i kako mi želimo. Hajdemo voljeti svijet u koji smo sigurni, budući da nismo sigurni u Njegovo obećanje.' Tada skupljaju drvo za ogrjev kada posvete sva svoja osjetila ljubavi prema svijetu. Pale vatru kada imaju potpunu želju za svijetom. Izgaraju kada njihova požuda sjaji u njihovim umovima i prelazi u djelo. Ubacuju zlato, što znači da svu čast i ljubav koju su Mi trebali pokazati, pokazuju kako bi dobili poštovanje svijeta. Tada se pojavljuje tele, što predstavlja potpunu ljubav svijeta. Ima četiri noge od lijenosti, nestrpljenja, uživanja u prekomjernostima i pohlepe. Jer su ti svećenici, koji bi trebali biti Moje sluge, lijeni u štovanju Mene, nestrpljivi u podnošenju bilo čega radi Mene, neumjereni u užicima i nikada zadovoljni stvarima koje imaju. Ovo tele također ima glavu i grlo, što predstavlja potpunu volju za proždrljivošću koja nikada ne može biti zadovoljena, čak ni kada bi cijelo more uteklo u njega. Rep teleta njihova je zloba jer oni ne dopuštaju nikome da zadrži svoju imovinu ako ju mogu uzeti od njega. Svojim lošim primjerom i prezirom oni ranjavaju i kvare svakoga tko Mi služi. Takva je ljubav prema teletu koja je u njihovim srcima, i u takvoj se oni raduju i žude. Oni misle o Meni kao što su oni drugi o Mojsiju, i govore: 'Njega nema već dugo vremena. Njegove se riječi doimaju isprazne i Njegova djela tegobna. Hajdemo imati svoju vlastitu volju, neka naša moć i volja budu naš bog.' A nisu čak zadovoljni ni tim stvarima, i nisu Me u potpunosti zaboravili, nego Me umjesto toga imaju za svog idola. Pogani su običavali štovati kao božanstvo drvo i kamenje i mrtve ljude i, među ostalim, bio je štovan idol zvan Belzebub, čiji su svećenici običavali nuditi mu tamjan uz pobožno klanjanje i uzvike hvale. I sve što je u njihovim žrtvovanjima bilo beskorisno bacali su na tlo, i ptice i muhe to su jele. Ali sve što je bilo korisno svećenici su skrivali za sebe. Oni su zaključavali vrata do svog idola i držali ključ za sebe kako nitko ne bi mogao ući unutra. To je ono što svećenici čine Meni u ovo vrijeme. Oni Mi nude tamjan, to jest govore i propovijedaju prekrasne riječi kako bi osvojili hvalu za sebe i kakvu zemaljsku korist, ali ne iz ljubavi prema Meni. Baš kao što miris tamjana ne može biti uhvaćen, nego samo osjećan i viđen, tako njihove riječi ne ostvaruju nikakvu korist za duše kako bi mogle pustiti korijen i bile zadržane u njihovim srcima, nego su se samo čule i činile ugodne za kratko vrijeme. Oni Mi nude molitve, ali ne onakve kakve su Meni ugodne. Poput onih koji uzvikuju hvale svojim ustima, ali su tihi u svojim srcima, stoje pokraj Mene vičući svojim ustima, dok u svojim srcima i mislima lutaju uokolo po svijetu. Ali kada bi govorili sa snažnim i moćnim čovjekom, tada bi njihova srca slijedila njihov vlastiti govor i riječi tako da im nitko ne bio mogao naći zamjerku. Ali u Mojoj su prisutnosti svećenici poput ljudi koji su mentalno poremećeni, jer izgovaraju jednu stvar svojim ustima i imaju drugu u svojim srcima. Nitko tko čuje njihove riječi, ne može biti siguran u njihovo značenje. Oni svijaju svoja koljena za Mene, to jest obećavaju Mi poniznost i poslušnost, ali je zapravo njihova poniznost poput Luciferove, i oni su poslušni svojim vlastitim željama, a ne Meni. Također Me stalno drže zaključanog i drže ključ za sebe. Otvaraju za Mene i hvale Me kada kažu:' Budi volja Tvoja, kako na nebu tako i na zemlji.' Ali tada Me ponovno zaključavaju ispunjavanjem svoje vlastite volje, dok je Moja volja poput zatočenog i nemoćnog čovjeka kojega se ne može ni vidjeti ni čuti. Oni drže ključ za sebe kada, svojim lošim primjerom, također zavode na pogrešan put druge koji žele činiti Moju volju. I kada bi mogli, rado bi zabranili da Moja volja bude ispunjena i ostvarena, osim kada to odgovara njihovoj vlastitoj volji. Također skrivaju bilo što u žrtvovanju što je nužno i korisno za njih, to jest zahtijevaju svu svoju čast i povlastice, ali ljudsko tijelo koje padne na zemlju i umre, za što bi trebali ponuditi najbolju žrtvu, oni smatraju tako beskorisnim i ostavljaju ga muhama, to jest crvima na zemlji. Oni ne mare niti se uznemiravaju zbog svoje obveze za spasenje duša. Ali što je rečeno Mojsiju? 'Ubij one koji su načinili ovog idola!' I neki su ubijeni, ali ne svi. Na isti će način Moje riječi sada doći i ubiti ih, neke u tijelu i duši kroz vječno prokletstvo, druge prema životu, tako da bi se trebali preobratiti i živjeti, ostale kroz brzu smrt, jer ovi su Mi svećenici u potpunosti odvratni. Ali s čime da ih usporedim? Oni su uistinu poput ploda trnovitog grma drača, koji je prekrasan i crven izvana, ali iznutra pun nečistoće i bodljikavog trnja. Na isti način ovi dolaze k Meni kao ljudi koji su crveni od ljubavi, i čine se čistima, ali iznutra su puni svakakvih nečistoća. Ako se ovaj plod položi u zemlju, drugi trnoviti grmovi izrastaju iz njega. Na isti način oni skrivaju svoj grijeh i zlobu u svojim srcima kao u zemlji, i postaju tako ukorijenjeni u zlu da se čak i ne postide istupiti u javnosti i hvaliti svojim grijehom. Stoga drugi ljudi ne samo da nalaze razlog da griješe, nego ujedno postaju duboko ranjeni u svojim dušama, misleći ovako sami u sebi: 'Ako to čine svećenici, čak je i više dopušteno da mi to činimo.' I oni nisu samo nalik plodu trnovita grma, nego i trnju jer preziru biti dirnuti prijekorom i opomenom, i smatraju da nitko nije mudar kao oni, i misle da mogu činiti što god žele. Stoga se Ja zaklinjem svojim Božanstvom i Čovječnošću, u prisutnosti svih anđela, da ću srušiti vrata koja su zatvorili Mojoj volji, i Moja volja bit će ispunjena, i njihova volja bit će dokinuta i zaključana u vječne muke i tjeskobe. Jer kao što je nekoć rečeno: „Započet ću svoj sud sa svećenicima na svom oltaru.“ Riječi Kristove Njegovoj nevjesti o tome kako je Krist uspoređen s Mojsijem, na simboličan način, vodeći narod iz Egipta; i o tome kako prokleti svećenici, koje je On odabrao na mjesto proroka kao svoje najdraže prijatelje, sada zapomažu: „Odlazi od nas!“ 49. poglavlje Sin Božji reče: „Ranije sam se uspoređivao s Mojsijem na simboličan način. Kada je izveo narod, voda je stajala poput zida zdesna i slijeva. Ja sam uistinu taj Mojsije, simbolično govoreći, koji je izveo svoj Kršćanski narod van, to jest otvorio nebo za njega i pokazao mu put. Ali sada sam si izabrao druge prijatelje, više voljene i prisnije od proroka, imenom Moje svećenike, koji ne samo da čuju Moje riječi i vide, kada vide Mene samoga, nego Me ujedno dodiruju svojim rukama, što nitko od proroka ili anđela ne može učiniti. Ovi svećenici, koje sam Ja izabrao na mjesto proroka kao svoje prijatelje, zazivaju Me, ali ne s takvom željom i ljubavlju kao što su to proroci činili, ne, svećenici i proroci zazivaju s dva suprotstavljena glasa. Jer svećenici ne zazivaju kao što su proroci zazivali: “Dođi, Gospode, jer Ti si slast!“, nego zazivaju: “Odvoji se od nas, jer Tvoje su riječi gorke i Tvoja djela teška i čine nas posramljenima!“ Poslušaj što ovi prokleti svećenici govore! Ja stojim pred njima poput najkrotkije i najumiljatije ovce od koje dobivaju vunu za svoju odjeću i mlijeko za svoju hranu, a ipak Me preziru zbog toliko velike ljubavi. Stojim pred njima kao gost govoreći: „Prijatelju, podari Mi nužnosti života za Moje tijelo, jer trebaju Mi, i ti ćeš primiti najveću nagradu od Boga zauzvrat!“ No iako sam se pojavio s jednostavnošću ovce, oni Me tjeraju kao vuka koji vreba u zasjedi gospodarove ovce. Ne žele Mi pokazati nikakvo gostoprimstvo i odbijaju Me primiti u svoju kuću, umjesto toga, suočavaju se sa Mnom kao s izdajnikom nedostojnim njihova gostoprimstva. Ali što će učiniti gost nakon što je bio odbijen? Ne bi li trebao potegnuti oružje protiv gospodara kuće koji ga je otjerao? Nipošto, jer to ne bi bilo pravedno s obzirom na to da vlasnik može uskratiti ili dati svoju imovinu kome god želi. Ali što tada gost treba učiniti? On bi doista trebao reći onome tko ga je otjerao: „Moj prijatelju, s obzirom na to da me ti ne želiš primiti u svoju kuću, ja ću otići drugome koji će mi pokazati milost.“ I kada dođe drugome, on ga čuje kako govori: Dobro si došao, Moj Gospode, sve što ja imam Tvoje je. Ti ćeš sada biti gospodar, a ja želim biti Tvoj sluga i gost. Ovo su vrste smještaja u kojima Mi je ugodno boraviti, gdje čujem ovakav glas. Ja sam doista poput gosta tjeranog od ljudi. No iako Ja mogu ući u svako mjesto po svojoj volji, još uvijek na račun pravde, to ne činim, nego dolazim samo onima koji Me primaju s dobrom voljom kao svog istinskog Gospodina, ne kao gosta, i povjeravaju svu svoju volju u Moje ruke. Majčine i Sinove riječi blagoslova i hvale jednog prema drugome, i o milosti koju je Sin odobrio svojoj Majci za duše u čistilištu i one u ovome svijetu. 50. poglavlje Majka Božja govorila je svom Sinu i rekla: Blagoslovljeno ime Tvoje, Moj Sine, bez kraja, i blagoslovljeno bilo Tvoje Božanstvo koje je bez početka i bez kraja! U Tvom Božanstvu nalaze se tri prekrasne stvari: poimence moć, mudrost i krepost. Tvoja je moć poput najnasilnije goruće vatre pred kojom se sve što je čvrsto i snažno sabire kao suha slama u vatri. Tvoja je mudrost poput oceana koji nikada ne može biti ispražnjen zbog svoje veličine i prostranosti i koji, kada nabuja i preplavi, prekriva doline i planine. Niti Tvoja mudrost može biti shvaćena, niti njena dubina izmjerena o tome kako si mudro stvorio čovječanstvo i smjestio ga iznad sveg svog stvaralaštva. Kako si mudro uredio ptice u zraku, životinje na zemlji i ribe u moru, dajući svakome njegovo vlastito vrijeme i red. Kako veličanstveno Ti daješ život svemu i oduzimaš ga. Kako mudro daješ mudrost onima koji nisu mudri i oduzimaš ju od ponosnih. Tvoja je krepost poput svjetlosti sunca koja sja na nebu i ispunjava zemlju svojim svjetlom. Također, Tvoja krepost zadovoljava visoko i nisko i ispunjava sve stvari. Stoga blagoslovljen budi Ti, Moj Sine, jer Ti si Moj Bog i Moj Gospodin!“ Sin odgovori": Moja najdraža Majko,Tvoje su Mi riječi su slatke, jer one dolaze iz Tvoje duše. Ti si poput zore koja izbija bistrinom. Ti nadsijavaš sva nebesa i Tvoja svjetlost i Tvoja bistrina nadilaze sve anđele. Svojom bistrinom Ti si privukla na sebe pravo sunce, to jest Moje Božanstvo, toliko da je sunce Mojeg Božanstva došlo do Tebe i na Tebi se smjestilo. Po njegovoj toplini Ti si grijana u Mojoj ljubavi iznad svih drugih i po njegovu sjaju Ti si prosvijetljena u Mojoj mudrosti više nego svi drugi. Tama zemlje protjerana je i sva nebesa bijahu prosvijetljena kroz Tebe. Ja govorim u svojoj istini da Mi je Tvoja čistoća godila više nego svi anđeli, i privukla Moje Božanstvo k Tebi tako da si bila potaknuta toplinom Moga duha; i po njemu si začela istinskog Boga i čovjeka u svojoj utrobi, čime je čovječanstvo bilo prosvijetljeno i anđeli ispunjeni radošću. Stoga budi blagoslovljena od svoga blagoslovljenog Sina! I zbog ovoga razloga niti jedna molitva Tvoja nikada neće doći k Meni a da je ne uslišim, i kroz Tebe svatko tko moli za milost s namjerom popravljanja svojih grešnih načina, primit će milost Tebe radi. Jer kao što toplina dolazi od sunca, tako je i sve milosrđe kroz Tebe dano. Ti si poput ispunjenog i tekućeg proljeća iz kojega milost teče u pomoć nesretnima. Majka odgovara Sinu: "Sva slava i krepost neka su Tvoji, Sine Moj! Ti si Moj Bog i Moje milosrđe; sve dobro što imam od Tebe potječe. Ti si poput sjemena koje nikada nije požeto, nego još uvijek raste i daje plod stostruk i tisućstruk. Jer sva milost od Tebe dolazi i, s obzirom na to da je neizbrojiva i neizreciva, može doista biti poistovjećena s brojem stotinu koji označava savršenstvo, jer sve savršenstvo dolazi od Tebe i svatko je usavršen u kreposti po Tebi." Sin odgovara Majci: "Doista, Moja Majko, usporedila si Me ispravno sa sjemenom koje nikada nije požeto nego još raste, jer došao sam sa svojim Božanstvom k Tebi i Moja Čovječnost nije zasijana odnosom, ali je i dalje rasla u Tebi, i otud je milost istekla od Tebe prema svima. Stoga si govorila ispravno. S obzirom na to da Ti sada crpiš milost iz Mene najslađim riječima svojih usta, traži Me što želiš i bit će Ti dano." Majka odgovori:" Moj Sine, s obzirom na to da sam Ja dobila milosrđe od Tebe, Ja molim za milosrđe i pomoć nesretnima. Jer postoje, naime, četiri mjesta: Prvo je Nebo, gdje anđeli i duše svetaca ne trebaju ništa osim Tebe, kojeg imaju - jer u Tebi imaju svako dobro. Drugo je mjesto pakao i oni koji ostaju tamo, ispunjeni su zlobom i isključeni iz svakog milosrđa. Stoga ništa dobro ne može više ući u njih. Treće je mjesto onih koji se pročišćavaju u čistilištu i oni koji ostaju tamo, trebaju trostruku milost jer su mučeni trostruko. Oni pate kroz svoj sluh jer ne čuju ništa osim boli, tuge i jada. Oni pate kroz svoj vid jer ne vide ništa osim svoje vlastite bijede. Oni su mučeni kroz svoj dodir jer osjećaju toplinu nepodnošljive vatre i oštre muke. Moj Gospode i Moj Sine, daj im svoju milost Mojih molitava radi!“ Sin odgovori: "Ja ću im rado dati trostruku milost Tebe radi. Prvo, njihov sluh bit će olakšan, njihov vid bit će umiren, njihova muka bit će smanjena i olakšana. I svi oni koji su u najvećim i najtežim mukama u vatrama čistilišta, od ovog će trenutka doći do umjerene muke; oni koji su u umjerenim mukama, doći će do najlakših, i oni koji su u najlakšim mukama, doći će u počinak." Majka odgovori: "Hvala i čast Tebi, Moj Gospode!" I ona odmah reče svom Sinu: Moj ljubljeni Sine, četvrto je mjesto svijet i njegovi stanovnici u potrebi su za trima stvarima: Prvo, pokajanjem za svoje grijehe. Drugo, pokorom i popravljanjem. Treće, snagom da čine dobra djela." Sin odgovori: "Svakome tko zaziva Tvoje ime i ima nadu u Tebi zajedno sa svrhom popravljanja za svoje grijehe, bit će dane ove tri stvari, jednako kao i Kraljevstvo nebesko. Tvoje su Mi riječi tako slatke da Ti ne mogu uskratiti ništa što zamoliš, jer ne želiš ništa drugačije od onoga što Ja želim. Ti si uistinu poput sjajnog i gorućeg plamena po kojemu su ugašena svjetla potaknuta i goruća svjetla osnažena, jer po Tvojoj ljubavi koja se uzdigla u Moje srce i privukla Me k Tebi, oni koji su mrtvi u grijehu, doći će ponovno u život, i oni koji su mlaki i crni poput dima, postat će snažni u Mojoj ljubavi." Majka blagoslivlja Sina u prisutnosti nevjeste, te o tome kako slavni Sin čini prekrasnu usporedbu svoje najslađe Majke s cvijetom koji je rastao u dolini, ali se uzdigao preko planina. 51. poglavlje Majka Božja govorila je svome Sinu i rekla: "Blagoslovljeno neka je Tvoje ime, Moj Sine, Isuse Kriste, i sva čast Tvojoj Čovječnosti iznad svega što je stvoreno! Slava Tvome Božanstvu iznad svih dobrih stvari, koje je jedan Bog s Tvojom Čovječnošću!" Sin odgovori: "Moja Majko, Ti si poput cvijeta koji je rastao u dolini. Oko doline bilo je pet visokih planina i cvijet je rastao iz tri korijena s uspravnom stabljikom bez ikakvih čvorova. Ovaj cvijet imao je pet latica koje bijahu ispunjene svom slatkoćom. Dolina je sa svojim cvijetom rasla iznad ovih pet planina, i latice cvijeta širile su se iznad svake visine neba i iznad svih zborova anđela. Moja ljubljena Majko, Ti si ova dolina zbog velike poniznosti koju si imala u usporedbi sa svima drugima. Tvoja je poniznost rasla više od pet planina. Prva planina bio je Mojsije zbog svoje moći. Jer on je imao moć nad Mojim narodom kroz Zakon, kao da je bio zatvoren u njegovoj ruci. Ali Ti si zatvorila Gospodara svih zakona u svojoj utrobi i stoga si viša od ove planine. Druga planina bio je Ilija, koji je bio toliko svet da je s dušom i tijelom bio preuzet u Moje sveto mjesto. Ali Tvoja duša, Moja najdraža Majko, bila je preuzeta iznad svih zborova anđela do prijestolja Božjeg, zajedno s Tvojim najčišćim tijelom. Ti si stoga viša od Ilije. Treća planina bila je snaga Samsonova koja je nadilazila druge ljude. Ipak, đavao ga je porazio svojom podmuklošću. Ali Ti si porazila đavla svojom snagom i moći. Ti si stoga snažnija od Samsona. Četvrta planina bio je David, koji bijaše čovjek u skladu s Mojim srcem i voljom, ali je ipak pao u grijeh. Ali Ti si, Moja ljubljena Majko, slijedila Moju volju u svemu i nikada nisi sagriješila. Peta planina bio je Salomon, koji bijaše prepun mudrosti, ali je usprkos tome bio prevaren. Ali Ti si, Moja Majko, bila prepuna sve mudrosti i nikada nisi prevarena ili zavedena. Ti si stoga viša od Salomona. Cvijet je rastao iz tri korijena zbog tri stvari koje si imala od svoje mladosti: poslušnosti, milosrđa i Božanskoga razumijevanja. Iz ova tri korijena iznikla je najravnija stabljika bez ikakvih čvorova, što znači da Tvoja volja nikada nije bila svijena ničemu osim Mojoj volji. Taj cvijet također je imao pet latica koje su rasle iznad svih zborova anđela. Moja draga Majko, Ti si doista cvijet s ovih pet latica. Prva latica Tvoja je plemenitost, koja je toliko velika da Moji anđeli, koji su plemeniti preda mnom, kada vide i razmotre Tvoju plemenitost, uvide da je bila iznad njih i istaknutija od njihove svetosti i plemenitosti. Ti si stoga viša od svih anđela. Druga je latica Tvoje milosrđe koje je bilo tako veliko da si, kada si vidjela bijedu svih duša, imala suosjećanja nad njima i pretrpjela najveće muke na Mojoj smrti. Anđeli su puni milosrđa, a ipak nikada ne trpe tugu ili bol, ali Ti si, Moja ljubljena Majko, bila milosrdna prema bijednicima kada si osjetila svu tugu i muku Moje smrti, i željela si trpjeti muku radi milosrđa radije nego da si bila odvojena od nje. Stoga je Tvoje milosrđe nadišlo milosrđe svih anđela. Treća je latica Tvoja dobrota puna ljubavi. Anđeli su puni ljubavi i ljubaznosti i žele dobro za svakoga, ali Ti, Moja najdraža Majko, imala si prije svoje smrti volju poput anđela u svojoj duši i tijelu i činila dobro svakome. I dalje ne odbijaš nikoga tko razumno moli za svoje vlastito dobro. Stoga je Tvoja dobrota viša i veća od anđeoske. Četvrta je latica Tvoja ljepota. Anđeli promatraju svoju međusobnu ljepotu i razmišljaju o ljepoti svih duša i svih tijela, ali vide da je ljepota Tvoje duše iznad svega što je stvoreno i da plemenitost Tvoga tijela nadilazi sva stvorena bića. I tako Tvoja ljepota nadilazi sve anđele i sve stvoreno. Peta je latica Tvoja Božanska radost jer ništa Te nije razveseljavalo osim Boga, jednako kao što ništa osim Boga ne pruža užitak anđelima. Svi i svaki od njih zna i znao je svoju vlastitu radost u sebi, ali kada su vidjeli Tvoju radost prema Bogu, opazili su u svojoj svijesti kako se njihova radost razbuktala u njima poput svjetlosti u ljubavi Božjoj. Vidjeli su da je Tvoja radost bila kao plameni krijes gori najužarenijom vatrom, s plamenom tako visokim da je došao blizu Mojega Božanstva. I zbog ovoga razloga, Moja najslađa Majko, Tvoja božanska radost gorjela je dobro iznad svih zborova anđela. S obzirom na to da je cvijet imao tih pet latica, poimence plemenitost, milosrđe, dobrotu punu ljubavi, ljepotu i najveći užitak u Bogu, bijaše ispunjen svom slatkoćom. Ali onaj tko želi kušati od ove slatkoće, treba pristupiti slatkoći i preuzeti je u sebe. To je ujedno ono što si Ti učinila, Moja najslađa Majko. Ti si bila tako slatka Mome Ocu da Te preuzeo cijelu u svoj Duh i Tvoja Ga je slatkoća oduševila iznad svih ostalih stvari. Cvijet također nosi sjeme po toplini i moći sunca i iz njega izrasta plod. Na ovaj način blagoslovljeno sunce, Moje Božanstvo, preuzelo je Čovječnost iz Tvoje djevičanske utrobe. Jer kao što sjeme daje i uzgaja cvijeće iste vrste gdje god bilo posijano, tako su i Moji udovi bili poput Tvojih oblikom i izgledom iako sam Ja bio muškarac, a Ti žena i djevica. Ta dolina bijaše uzdignuta sa svojim cvijetom iznad svih planina kada je Tvoje tijelo zajedno s Tvojom najsvetijom dušom uzdignuto iznad svih zborova anđela.” Majka blagoslivlja svog Sina i moli Ga da Njegove riječi mogu biti proširene po cijelome svijetu i pustiti korijen u srcima Njegovih prijatelja, te o tome kako je Djevica uspoređena s predivnim cvijetom koji raste u vrtu, i o riječima Kristovim koje su poslane kroz nevjestu papi i drugim prelatima Crkve. 52. poglavlje Sveta Djevica govorila je svome Sinu i rekla: „Blagoslovljen budi Ti, Moj Sine i Moj Bože, Gospodaru anđela i Kralju slave! Molim te za to da riječi koje si Ti izgovorio mogu pustiti korijen u srcima Tvojih prijatelja i da njihovi umovi mogu prijanjati čvrsto uz te riječi poput smole kojom je bila obložena Noina arka, koju ni olujni valovi ni vjetrovi nisu mogli slomiti ni otopiti. Neka budu proširene po cijelome svijetu kao grane i slatki cvjetovi čiji se miris širi daleko i široko, kako bi ujedno mogle uroditi plodom i postati slatke kao datulja čija slast oduševljava dušu neizmjerno mnogo.“ Sin odgovori: “Blagoslovljena budi Ti, Moja najomiljenija Majko! Moj anđeo Gabriel rekao Ti je: “Blagoslovljena Ti, Marijo, među ženama!“ I Ja Ti svjedočim da si blagoslovljena i najsvetija iznad svih zborova anđela. Ti si poput cvijeta u vrtu koji je okružen drugim mirisavim cvijećem, ali ih sve nadilaziš u mirisu, ljepoti i kreposti. To su cvijeće svi izabrani ljudi, od Adama do kraja svijeta, koji su zasađeni u vrtu svijeta, i sijaše i mirisaše na mnogostruke vrline. Ali među svima njima koji su bili i koji će naknadno doći, Ti si bila najveća u mirisu poniznosti i dobrog života, u ljepoti najugodnijeg djevičanstva i vrlini suzdržljivosti. Jer Ja Ti svjedočim da si bila više od bilo kojeg mučenika za Moje patnje, više od bilo kojeg ispovjednika u svojoj suzdržljivosti i više od bilo kojeg anđela u svom milosrđu i dobroj volji. Stoga, radi Tebe, Ja ću ukorijeniti i učvrstiti svoje riječi poput najčvršće smole u srcima Mojih prijatelja. One će se širiti kao mirisno cvijeće i donositi plodove kao najslađe i najljepše drvo datulje.“ Nakon toga Naš Gospodin reče svojoj nevjesti: “Reci Mom prijatelju, svom ocu, čije je srce u skladu s Mojim srcem, da pažljivo predstavi ove pisane riječi svom vlastitom ocu te ih također daj nadbiskupu i kasnije drugom biskupu. I kada ovi budu temeljito upućeni, on ih može poslati trećem biskupu. Reci mu također u Moje ime: “Ja sam Tvoj Stvoritelj i Otkupitelj duša. Ja sam Bog kojega voliš iznad svih stvari. Vidi i razmotri kako su duše koje sam Ja otkupio svojom krvlju, poput duša ljudi koji ne znaju ništa o Bogu, i oni su zatočeni od đavla u takvoj okrutnosti da ih muči u svim njihovim udovima kao u tvrdoj preši. Stoga, ako posvećuješ Moje rane u svojoj duši, i ako cijeniš išta od bičevanja i trpljenja koje sam podnio kao dragocjeno, tada pokaži svojim djelima koliko Me voliš. Riječi koje sam izgovorio svojim vlastitim ustima postat će poznate javno i odnesene do glavara Crkve. Ja ću ti, naime, dati svoju milost i svoj duh kako bi, kada god nastane zavada među dvojicom, ti bio u mogućnosti izmiriti ih kroz moć koja ti je dana ako oni vjeruju u Moje riječi. I kao dodatno pojašnjenje Mojih riječi, ti ćeš ponijeti papi svjedočanstvo onih koji uživaju u Mojim riječima i kušaju ih. Jer Moje su riječi poput masti koja se topi brže kada je toplina veća iznutra, ali ako nikakva toplina nije nađena, mast se povrati i ne dospije u crijeva. Takve su Moje riječi s obzirom na to da, što ih više čovjek jede i žvače s gorućom ljubavi prema Meni, više je nahranjen željom za nebesima i slatkoćom Božanske unutarnje ljubavi, i više izgara u Mojoj ljubavi i milosrđu. Ali oni koji ne uživaju u Mojim riječima, mogu se poistovjetiti s kušanjem svinjske masti u svojim ustima koju smjesta pljuju iz usta i gaze pod svojim nogama nakon što su je kušali. Neki ljudi tako preziru Moje riječi jer nemaju okusa za slatkoću duhovnih stvari. Ali gospodar zemlje, kojega sam ja izabrao za svog pripadnika i učinio istinski Mojim, pomoći će ti smjelo i opskrbiti te stvarima potrebnim za tvoje putovanje iz pravedno stečenih dobara.“ Riječi Blagoslova Majke i Sina jedno drugome, i o tome kako Djevica simbolizira kovčeg u kojemu su palica, mana i ploče Zakona bile, i mnoge su prekrasne stvari otkrivene u ovoj usporedbi. 53. poglavlje Djevica Marija govorila je sa Sinom i rekla: “Blagoslovljen budi Ti, Moj Sine, Moj Bože i Gospodaru anđela! Ti si onaj čiji su glas proroci čuli, čije su tijelo apostoli vidjeli, onaj na kojega su Židovi i Tvoji neprijatelji položili ruke. Ti si jedan Bog sa svojim Božanstvom i Čovječnošću i Svetim Duhom. Jer proroci su čuli Duh, apostoli vidjeli slavu Tvoga Božanstva i Židovi razapeli Tvoju Čovječnost. Stoga, budi blagoslovljen bez početka i kraja.“ Sin odgovori: “Blagoslovljena budi Ti, jer Ti si Djevica i Majka. Ti si kovčeg Staroga Zakona u kojemu su se nalazile tri stvari: palica Aronova koja je cvjetala, mana anđeoska i ploče Zakona. Tri su stvari učinjene s palicom: Prvo, bila je pretvorena u zmiju bez otrova. Drugo, ocean je podijeljen njome. Treće, izvela je vodu iz stijene. Ja, koji sam ležao u Tvojoj utrobi i preuzeo Čovještvo od Tebe, uspoređivao sam se s ovom palicom. Prvo, Ja sam zastrašujuć svojim neprijateljima kao što je zmija bila Mojsiju. Jer oni bježe od Mene kao od prizora zmije, i oni su prestravljeni Mnome i mrze Me kao zmiju otrovnicu; a dapače, Ja sam bez otrova zlobe i umjesto toga pun milosrđa. Ja im dajem sebe da Me posjeduju ako hoće. Ja im se vraćam ako tragaju za Mnom. Trčim k njima kao Majka svom izgubljenom i ponovno nađenom sinu ako Me zazovu. Ja im dajem svoje milosrđe i opraštam njihove grijehe ako zavape Meni. To je ono što Ja činim za njih, a ipak Me mrze poput otrovne zmije. Drugo, ocean je podijeljen ovom palicom kada je put u nebo, koji bijaše zatvoren zbog grijeha, otvoren kroz prolijevanje Moje krvi i Moje boli. Ocean je doista podijeljen i put je načinjen gdje prethodno nije bilo nikakvog puta kada je bol iz svih Mojih udova stigla do Mog srca i Moje se srce raspuklo od nasilja boli. Kasnije, kada je narod vođen kroz ocean, Mojsije ga nije odmah odveo u obećanu zemlju, nego u pustinju kako bi ondje bio iskušan i poučen. To je kako je sada, jer kada ljudi prihvate Moju vjeru i Moje zapovijedi, oni nisu odmah odvedeni u nebo; jer je nužno da ljudi budu iskušani u pustinji - to jest u svijetu – u odnosu na to koliko vole Boga. Međutim, ljudi izazvaše Boga na ljutnju kroz tri stvari u pustinji: Prvo, jer su izradili idola i molili mu se. Drugo, zato što su čeznuli za raskošima koje su imali u zemlji egipatskoj, i treće, kroz svoj ponos, kada su bez volje Božje željeli ići i boriti se protiv svojih neprijatelja. Ljudi griješe protiv Mene čak i sada u svijetu na isti način. Prvo, časte i štuju idola: jer vole svijet i sve stvari u njemu više nego Mene, koji jesam njihov Stvoritelj. Stoga, svijet je njihov bog, a ne Ja. Jer Ja sam rekao u svom evanđelju: „Gdje je čovjekovo blago, ondje će mu biti i srce.“ Dakle, blago čovječanstva jest svijet jer njegovo srce žudi prema njemu, a ne prema Meni. Stoga, baš kao što su Židovi pali u pustinji s mačem u svojim tijelima, tako će također ovi ljudi pasti s mačem vječnog prokletstva u svojim dušama, i živjeti u prokletstvu bez kraja. Drugo, zgriješili su kroz svoju žudnju za raskošima. Ja sam dao čovječanstvu sve što je trebalo koristiti na častan i umjeren način, ali ono želi imati sve stvari bez umjerenosti i razuma. Jer, kada bi njegova tjelesna priroda mogla to podnijeti, ono bi bez prestanka bludničilo, pilo bez ograničenja, žudilo bez mjere i granice i, dok god bi moglo griješiti, nikada ne bi odustalo od grijeha. Stoga će mu se dogoditi ista stvar koja se dogodila Židovima u pustinji, to jest umrijet će naglom smrću u svojim tijelima. Jer što je drugo ovaj zemaljski život doli jedan trenutak u usporedbi s vječnošću? Zbog ovog razloga oni će umrijeti naglom smrću u svojim tijelima, da budu otrgnuti od ovog kratkog života i da žive s mukom u svojim dušama za cijelu vječnost. Treće, oni su zgriješili u pustinji kroz svoj ponos jer su željeli ići u bitku bez Božje volje. Isto tako, ljudi žele doći u Nebo kroz svoj ponos i ne vjeruju u Mene, nego u sebe, čineći svoju vlastitu volju i napuštajući Moju. Stoga će biti ubijeni u svojim dušama od đavala jednako kao što su Židovi ubijeni od njihovih neprijatelja, i njihova muka bit će vječna. Tako Me oni mrze kao zmiju, štuju idola umjesto Mene, žude za svojim vlastitim željama više nego za Mnom i vole svoj vlastiti ponos umjesto Moje poniznosti. Ipak, Ja sam još uvijek toliko milostiv da ću im se prikloniti kao otac pun ljubavi i uzeti ih k sebi ako Mi se okrenu s pokajničkim srcem. Treće, stijena je dala vodu putem ove palice. Ova je stijena tvrdo srce čovječanstva, jer ako je probodeno Mojim strahom i ljubavlju, ondje odmah poteku suze pokajanja i pokore iz njega. Nitko nije toliko nedostojan i nitko nije toliko zao da neće imati suze koje teku iz njegovih očiju, i sve svoje udove probuđene ka pobožnosti ako se okrene Meni u zdušnom razmatranju Moje patnje i podsjeti se kako Moja moć i dobrota čine da zemlja i stabla rađaju plodom. Drugo, mana anđeoska bijaše položena u kovčegu Mojsijevu. Tako također u Tebi, Moja ljubljena Majko i Djevice, bijaše položen kruh anđela i svetih duša i pravednih ljudi na zemlji, kojima ništa nije ugodno osim Moje slatkoće; jer cijeli je svijet mrtav za njih, tako da bi oni rado bili čak i bez tjelesne hrane da je takva Moja volja. Treće, u kovčegu bijahu ploče Zakona. Tako je također u Tebi ležao Gospodar svih zakona. Stoga, budi blagoslovljena iznad svega stvorenog u Nebu i na zemlji.“ Tada se Krist obrati svojoj nevjesti i reče: “Reci Mojim prijateljima tri stvari. Kada sam bio tjelesno u svijetu, prilagodio sam svoje riječi kako bi dobri ljudi bili učinjeni jačima i gorljivijima u činjenju dobrih stvari i zli ljudi postajali su bolji, kao što je viđeno u obraćenju Magdalene, Mateja i mnogih drugih. Također sam podesio svoje riječi tako da Moji neprijatelji nisu bili u mogućnosti pobiti ih. Iz tog razloga neka oni kojima su Moje riječi poslane, rade sa žarom kako bi kroz Moje riječi dobri mogli postati revniji u dobroti, zli se pokajati od zlobe te da oni sami budu na oprezu od Mojih neprijatelja kako Moje riječi ne bi bile osujećene. Uistinu, Ja ne činim veće nepravde prema đavlu nego prema anđelu u Nebu. Jer kada bih htio, mogao bih reći svoje riječi tako da ih cijeli svijet čuje. Mogao bih također otvoriti pakao kako bi svatko mogao vidjeti njegove muke, ali to ne bi bila pravda jer bi Mi tada svi ljudi služili zbog straha, a trebali bi Mi služiti iz ljubavi. Jer nitko drugi osim onoga tko ima ljubavi, neće ući u Kraljevstvo nebesko. Jer Ja bih činio nepravdu prema đavlu kada bih oduzeo od njega onoga koji je s pravom njegov zbog grijeha, i koji je lišen dobrih djela. Također bih činio nepravdu anđelu u Nebu kada bih smjestio duh nečistog čovjeka kao jednakog onome koji je čist i najužareniji u Mojoj ljubavi. Stoga nitko neće ući u Nebo osim onoga koji je pročišćen poput zlata u vatri čistilišta ili onoga koji se dokazao tijekom dugog vremenskog perioda u dobrim djelima na zemlji tako da nema mrlje preostale u njemu da bude očišćena. Ako ne znaš kome Moje riječi trebaju biti poslane, Ja ću ti reći: Onaj tko je dostojan imati Moje riječi, jest onaj koji želi steći zasluge kroz dobra djela kako bi došao do Kraljevstva nebeskog, ili onaj koji ga je već zaslužio svojim dobrim djelima u prošlosti. Takvima kao što su oni Moje će se riječi otvoriti i ući će u njih. Oni koji imaju naklonosti za Moje riječi i koji se ponizno nadaju da su njihova imena zapisana u Knjizi života, čuvaju Moje riječi. Ali oni koji nemaju naklonosti za Moje riječi, isprva ih razmotre, ali tada izbace i odmah ispovraćaju.“ Riječi anđela nevjesti o tome je li duh njezinih misli dobar ili loš te o tome kako postoje dva duha, jedan nestvoren i jedan stvoren, i o njihovim karakteristikama. 54. poglavlje Sveti anđeo govorio je nevjesti i rekao: “Postoje dva duha, jedan nestvoren i jedan stvoren. Nestvoren Duh ima tri karakteristike: Prva, vruć je; druga, sladak; i treća, čist. Prva, daje toplinu i njegova toplina ne dolazi od stvorenih stvari nego od njega samoga jer On, zajedno s Ocem i Sinom, jest Stvoritelj svih stvari i Svemogući. On daje toplinu kada cijela duša gori za ljubav Božju. Druga, sladak je jer ništa nije ugodno duši i ništa ju ne oduševljava osim Boga i prisjećanja na Njegova djela. Treća, tako je čist da niti jedan grijeh ne može biti nađen u njemu, niti bilo kakva deformacija ili oštećenje ili nepostojanost. On ne daje toplinu kao zemaljska vatra i ne čini da se stvari tope poput vidljivog sunca, nego je njegova toplina unutarnja ljubav i želja duše koja ju ispunjava i potpuno je zaokuplja u Bogu. On je sladak duši, ne kao poželjno vino ili tjelesna požuda ili ijedna druga zemaljska stvar, nego je, umjesto toga, slatkoća ovog Duha neusporediva sa svom zemaljskom slatkoćom i nezamisliva onima koji ju nisu okusili. Treća, ovaj Duh čist je kao zrake sunca u kojima se nikakve mrlje ne mogu naći. Drugi duh koji je stvoren, također ima tri karakteristike. On je gorući, gorak, i nečist. Prva, on je gorući i proždirući poput vatre jer u potpunosti razbuktava dušu koju posjeduje vatrom požude i zlom željom, tako da duša koja je njime ispunjena ne može ni misliti ni željeti ništa drugo osim ispunjenja ove želje; i posljedica toga jest da je njezin zemaljski život katkad izgubljen zajedno sa svom čašću i utjehom. Drugo, gorak je poput žuči jer tako raspaljuje dušu svojom zlom požudom da joj se buduće radosti čine poput ničega i vječna su joj dobra ništa doli ludosti. I sve stvari koje su od Boga i koje je ona, duša, obvezana činiti za Boga, postaju toliko gorke i prezrene kao bljuvotina i žuč. Treća, nečist je jer čini dušu tako pokvarenom i sklonom grijehu da se ona ne osjeća posramljenom za bilo koji grijeh i ne bi se suzdržala ni od jednoga grijeha kada se ne bi bojala biti posramljena i osuđena pred ljudima više nego pred Bogom. To je razlog zašto je ovaj duh poput goruće vatre, jer izgara od želje da čini zlo i potpaljuje druge zajedno sa sobom. To je razlog zašto je gorak, jer je sve dobro gorko za njega i on ga želi učiniti gorkim za druge jednako kao za sebe. To je razlog zašto je nečist, jer uživa u nečistoći i želi da drugi postanu poput njega. Ali sada bi mogla pitati i reći mi: “Nisi li ti također stvoreni duh poput njega? Zašto, onda, ti nisi takav?“ Ja ti odgovaram: “Ja sam doista stvoren od istoga Boga kao i on, jer postoji samo jedan Bog, Otac, Sin i Duh Sveti, i to nisu tri boga, nego jedan Bog. Obojica smo dobro sačinjeni i stvoreni za dobro, s obzirom na to da Bog nije stvorio ništa osim dobroga. Ali ja sam poput zvijezde jer sam ostao u dobroti i ljubavi prema Bogu u kojoj sam stvoren. On je, međutim, poput ugljena, s obzirom na to da je napustio ljubav Božju. Jednako kao što zvijezda ima svjetlost i sjaj dok ugljen ima crnilo i prljavštinu, tako dobri anđeo, koji je poput zvijezde, ima svoj sjaj, to jest Duh Sveti – jer sve što ima, ima od Boga Oca, Sina i Duha Svetog, od čije ljubavi postaje zapaljen i od čijega sjaja sija – stalno Mu prianjajući i potvrđujući sebe po Njegovoj volji ,a da nikada ne želi ništa drugo osim onoga što Bog želi. I to je razlog zašto gori; to je razlog zašto je čist. Đavao je, međutim, kao ružni ugljen, i ružniji je i deformiraniji od ijednoga drugog stvorenog stvorenja. Jer baš kao što je jednom bio ljepši od drugih, tako je morao postati ružniji od drugih s obzirom na to da je suprotstavio sebe svom Stvoritelju. Baš kao što anđeo Gospodnji sija svjetlošću Božjom i gori neprestano kroz Njegovu ljubav, tako i đavao uvijek gori i muči se u svojoj zlobi. Njegova je zloba nezasitna jednako kao što su dobrota i milost Duha Svetoga neizrecive. Jer nitko na ovome svijetu nije toliko ukorijenjen u đavlu da ga Duh Sveti katkad ne posjeti i ne dotakne njegovo srce. Jednako tako, nitko nije toliko dobar da ga đavao rado ne pokuša dotaknuti iskušenjima. Mnogi su dobri i pravedni ljudi iskušavani od đavla s Božjim odobrenjem, i to ne zbog njihove zlobe, nego zbog njihove veće slave. Doista, Sin Božji, koji je jedan u Božanstvu s Ocem i Duhom Svetim, bijaše iskušan kada je preuzeo Čovještvo; i koliko više Njegovi izabranici ne bi trebali biti iskušavani, kako bi njihova nagrada i slava mogle postati većima! Ponavljam, mnogi dobri ljudi katkad padnu u grijeh i njihova je svijest zamračena kroz podmuklost đavla, ali tada ponovno ustanu bivajući jačima i postojanijima nego prije kroz svoju krepost i moć Duha Svetoga. Ne postoji nitko tko u svojoj svijesti ne razumije vode li đavlovi prijedlozi ružnoći grijeha ili dobrome kada bi samo razmislio i pomno ispitao svoju savjest. Stoga možeš li ti, nevjesto moga Gospodara, ne sumnjati je li duh tvojih misli dobar ili loš, jer tvoja ti savjest govori koje stvari isključiti i koje činiti. Ali što bi trebao učiniti onaj koji je ispunjen đavlom s obzirom na to da dobar Duh ne može ući u onoga koji je pun zla? On bi trebao učiniti tri stvari: Prvo, trebao bi učiniti čistu i potpunu ispovijed svojih grijeha. Čak i ako ne može izravno osjetiti potpuno kajanje za svoje grijehe zbog svoga otvrdlog srca, ipak će mu ispovijed koristiti toliko mnogo da će đavao prestati sa svojim podmuklostima i pokoriti se dobrom Duhu. Drugo, trebao bi biti ponizan i željeti naknaditi za sve svoje grijehe koje je počinio i činiti dobra djela koja može, i tada će ga đavao početi napuštati. Treće, trebao bi moliti Boga poniznom molitvom kako bi mogao dobiti dobrog Duha natrag i imati skrušenost za grijehe koje je počinio, zajedno s istinskom Božanskom ljubavlju, jer ljubav prema Bogu ubija đavla. Ovaj đavao tako je zavidan i pun zlobe da bi radije umro sto puta nego vidio nekoga kako čini Bogu najmanje dobro djelo iz ljubavi.“ Nakon toga Sveta Djevica govorila je nevjesti, rekavši: “Nova nevjesto Moga Sina, odjeni svoju odjeću i učvrsti svoj broš, to jest Moga Sina patnju!“ Ona joj odgovori: “Moja slatka Gospo, Ti me odjeni.“ I Djevica reče: “Da, učinit ću to. Također ti želim reći kako je Moj Sin bio nagovaran i zašto su sveti oci čeznuli za Njim tako gorljivo. On je stajao, takoreći, na razmeđi dvaju velikih gradova i glas iz prvog grada zavapio Mu je govoreći: “O, čovječe, koji stojiš na razmeđi gradova, Ti si mudar čovjek jer znaš kako se čuvati od nadolazećih opasnosti i ozljeda. Također si jak u podnošenju nadolazećih zala i ujedno hrabar, s obzirom na to da se ničega ne bojiš. Mi smo čeznuli za Tobom i očekivali Te. Stoga, otvori naša vrata jer naši ih neprijatelji opsjedaju tako da se ne mogu otvoriti.“ Glas iz drugog grada čuo se govoreći ovako: “Ti, najljubazniji i najjači od ljudi, čuj naše pritužbe i jadikovke! Mi sjedimo u tami i trpimo nepodnošljivu glad i žeđ. Razmotri našu bijedu i veliku nevolju. Mi smo tučeni kao otkos trave kosom. Sva se dobrota isušila i odumrla u nama; i sva je naša snaga izblijedjela u nama. Mi Te preklinjemo da dođeš k nama i spasiš nas, jer Ti si jedini kojega smo čekali i nadali Mu se kao svom osloboditelju! Dođi i oslobodi nas od naše nevolje, okreni naše tužaljke u radost i budi naša pomoć i spasenje! Dođi, najblagoslovljenije i najdostojanstvenije tijelo, koje je poteklo iz čiste Djevice!“ Moj Sin čuo je ta dva glasa iz dva grada, to jest iz Neba i pakla. Zato je imao milosti nad njima i otvorio vrata pakla kroz svoju najgorču patnju i prolijevanje svoje krvi, i izveo svoje prijatelje otamo. Također je otvorio Nebo, na radost anđela, i doveo u Nebo one koje je spasio iz pakla. Moja kćeri, razmišljaj o ovim stvarima i imaj ih uvijek pred svojim očima!“ O tome kako je Krist uspoređen s moćnim gospodarom koji je izgradio veliki grad i predivan dvorac, označavajući svijet i crkvu, i kako su suci i branitelji i radnici u crkvi Božjoj okrenuti u zao luk 55. poglavlje Naš Gospodin Isus Krist reče: “Ja sam poput moćnoga gospodara koji je izgradio veliki grad i nazvao ga po sebi. Nakon toga izgradio je dvorac u gradu u kojemu bijahu mnoge sobe za ostavljanje svakakvih korisnih potrepština. Tada, kada je izgradio dvorac i uredio sve njegove stvari, podijelio je svoje ljude u tri skupine, govoreći: 'Ja odlazim u daleku zemlju. Stojte čvrsto i radite odvažno za moju slavu! Ja sam uredio sve što je potrebno za vašu hranu i vaše potrepštine, i vi imate suce da vam sude i branitelje da vas brane od neprijatelja. Također sam uredio za radne ljude, koji će vas hraniti i davati Mi desetinu njihove zarade, štednju za Moju korist i Moju čast.' Ali nakon što je proteklo nešto vremena, ime grada zaboravljeno je. Tada suci rekoše: 'Naš je gospodar otputovao u udaljenu zemlju. Hajdemo dosuđivati pravedne presude i činiti pravdu kako ne bismo, kada se naš gospodar vrati, bili kažnjeni i optuženi, nego primili čast i blagoslov.' Tada branitelji rekoše: 'Naš nam gospodar vjeruje vrlo mnogo i prepustio je obranu svoje kuće nama. Hajdemo se stoga suzdržati od prekomjerne hrane i pića kako ne bismo postali nesposobni za bitku. Hajdemo se također suzdržati od prekomjernog sna kako bismo se mogli čuvati i kako se ne bismo našli se u stupici neočekivano. Neka smo dobro naoružani i stalno na oprezu kako se ne bismo zatekli nespremni kada neprijatelji dođu. Čast našega gospodara i spas naših ljudi ovise o nama u velikoj mjeri.' Tada radnici rekoše: 'Slava je našega gospodara velika i njegova je nagrada velika i veličanstvena. Hajdemo stoga raditi snažno i dajmo Mu ne samo desetinu svoga rada, nego ujedno ponudimo sve iznad naših životnih troškova! Naša će nagrada postati utoliko veličanstvenija što je veća ljubav koju vidi u nama.' Nakon toga neko je vrijeme proteklo i ime grada i gospodara dvorca postaše zaboravljeni. Tada suci rekoše među sobom: 'Kašnjenje našega gospodara dugo je i ne znamo hoće li se vratiti ili ne. Hajdemo stoga suditi po svojoj vlastitoj volji i činiti kako nam paše.' Branitelji rekoše: 'Mi smo budale zato što radimo i ne znamo kakvu ćemo nagradu primiti. Hajdemo radije ući u savez sa svojim neprijateljima, i spavati i piti s njima jer ne marimo o tome čiji su neprijatelji bili.' Nakon toga radnici rekoše: 'Zašto čuvamo svoje zlato za druge kada ne znamo tko će ga dobiti nakon nas? Bolje je da ga mi sami koristimo i raspolažemo njime po svojoj vlastitoj volji. Hajdemo stoga dati desetinu sucima i umirimo ih kako bismo mogli činiti što želimo.' Uistinu, Ja sam kao ovaj moćni gospodar jer sam sebi izgradio grad, to jest svijet, i smjestio onamo dvorac, to jest crkvu. Ime svijeta bijaše Božanska mudrost, jer svijet je imao ovo ime od početka s obzirom na to da je stvoren u Božanskoj mudrosti. To je ime čašćeno od svih, i Bog bijaše hvaljen u svojoj mudrosti i prekrasno proglašavan od svojih stvorenja. Ali sada je ime grada obeščašćeno i promijenjeno, i uzeto je novo ime, to jest ljudska mudrost. Jer su se suci, koji su prije donosili presude u pravednosti i strahu od Gospoda, sada okrenuli ponosu i pokušavaju prevariti obične ljude. Oni žele biti rječiti kako bi mogli osvojiti ljudske hvale, i govore i propovijedaju ono što ugađa čovjeku kako bi mogli pridobiti usluge. Oni podnose mirno sve riječi kako bi mogli biti nazivani dobrima i strpljivima, i prihvaćaju mito kako bi dokinuli pravedne presude. Oni su mudri u svrhu svoje vlastite zemaljske koristi i svoje vlastite volje, ali glupi kada se radi o Mojoj hvali. Oni gaze i tlače običnog čovjeka pod svojim nogama i prisiljavaju ga na šutnju. Oni šire svoju pohlepu na sve i od dobroga čine loše. Ovo je vrsta mudrosti koja je sada ljubljena, dok je Moja mudrost zaboravljena. Branitelji crkve, koji su plemići i vitezovi, vide Moje neprijatelje i napadače Moje crkve, ali ne mare za to. Oni čuju njihove riječi bogohuljenja i izrugivanja, ali ne mare za to. Zamjećuju i razumiju djela onih koji napadaju Moje zapovijedi, a i dalje ih strpljivo podnose. Oni ih promatraju svakodnevno kako čine sve vrste smrtnih grijeha kao da su dopušteni i ne osjećaju nikakvu grižnju savjesti zbog toga, nego spavaju i druže se s njima, obvezujući se zakletvama na njihovo društvo. Radnici, to jest cijeli narod, odbacuju Moje zapovijedi i uskraćuju Moje darove i Moju desetinu. Oni nude darove svojim sucima i iskazuju im čast i poštovanje kako bi zadobili njihove usluge i dobru volju. Uistinu, mogu s pouzdanjem reći da je mač straha od Mene i Moje Crkve bačen daleko u svijet, i da je vreća novca stavljena na njegovo mjesto. Riječi u kojima Bog objašnjava najbliže nadolazeće poglavlje, o presudi koju donosi protiv takvih ljudi te o tome kako Bog na neko vrijeme podnosi zle radi dobrobiti dobrih. 56. poglavlje „Rekao sam ti prethodno da je mač Moje Crkve bačen daleko i da je na njegovo mjesto stavljena vreća novca, koja je otvorena na jednome kraju. Drugi kraj tako je dubok da ništa, što god da netko stavi unutra, nikada ne doseže dno i stoga se vreća nikada ne napuni. Ta je vreća pohlepa koja prelazi sve mjere, i sada je postala tako moćna da je Gospod ismijavan i ništa nije poželjno osim novca i sebične volje čovjeka. Ali Ja sam poput gospodara koji je ujedno otac i sudac. Kada se čovjeku kreće suditi, okolni promatrači govore: 'Gospodine, brzo optuži i donesi svoju presudu!' Gospodin im odgovara: 'Pričekajte malo, do sutra, jer možda će se Moj sin još popraviti u međuvremenu.' Kada se vrati sutradan, narod Mu govori: 'Optuži, Gospode, i donesi svoju presudu! Zašto odgađaš sud tako dugo i ne sudiš krivcima? Gospod im odgovara: 'Pričekajte malo dulje da vidim hoće li se Moj sin popraviti, i ako se ne pokaje, pravedno ću presuditi nad njim.' Na taj način Ja strpljivo podnosim čovječanstvo čak i do posljednjeg trenutka, s obzirom na to da sam ujedno i otac i sudac. Ali Moja je pravda nepromjenjiva i, iako je katkada odgođena na dugo vremena, ja ću ipak ili kazniti grešnike koji se ne poprave ili im pokazati milost ako se poprave. Također sam ti prethodno rekao da sam podijelio ljude u tri skupine: imenom suce, branitelje i radnike. Što ovi suci označavaju ako ne svećenike koji su okrenuli Božansku mudrost u zlu i beskorisnu? Poput službenika koji uzimaju mnoge riječi i sabiru ih u nekoliko riječi koje govore istu stvar kao što su i mnoge govorile, tako su također i ovi današnji službenici uzeli Mojih deset zapovijedi i sabrali ih u jednu jedinu. I koja je to jedna riječ ako ne: Ispruži svoju ruku i daj nam novac!' Ovo je njihova mudrost, da pričaju lijepo, da čine loše i pretvaraju se da su Moji sluge dok još i više postupaju zlonamjerno protiv Mene. Radi darova oni rado podnose grešnike u njihovim grijesima i donose propast prostodušnim ljudima kroz svoj loš primjer. Osim toga, mrze one koji idu Mojim putem. Drugi, branitelji Crkve, to jest vitezovi, nevjerni su s obzirom na to da su prekršili svoje obećanje i svoju zakletvu i rado podnose one koje griješe protiv vjere i zakona Moje svete Crkve. Treći, radnici, to jest cijeli narod, su poput neukroćenih bikova koji imaju tri stvari: Prvo, kopaju zemlju svojim nogama; drugo, pune se do prezasićenosti; treće, ispunjavaju svoje vlastite požude prema svojim vlastitim željama. Jednako tako, ne žudi li cijeli narod za zemaljskim dobrima svom svojom željom, puneći se neumjerenom proždrljivošću i svjetovnim ispraznostima i upražnjavajući svoje tjelesne požude i užitke bez razuma. No, iako su Moji neprijatelji brojni, Ja još uvijek imam mnogo prijatelja među njima, doduše skrivenih. Kao što je rečeno Iliji, koji je mislio da nitko od Mojih prijatelja nije preostao na svijetu osim njega: “Vidio sam tisuće ljudi koji nisu savili svoja koljena pred Baalom.“ Pa iako su Moji neprijatelji brojni, Ja i dalje imam nekolicinu prijatelja skrivenih među njima koji plaču svakodnevno zato što su Moji neprijatelji nadmoćniji i zato što je Moje ime prezreno. Stoga, zbog njihovih molitva, Ja ću se ponijeti kao milosrdan i dobrostiv kralj koji poznaje zla djela grada, ali strpljivo podnosi njegove stanovnike i šalje pisma svojim prijateljima da ih unaprijed upozori na njihovu opasnost. Na ovaj način Ja šaljem riječi svojim prijateljima; i one nisu tako nejasne kao riječi u Otkrivenju koje sam otkrio Ivanu na nejasan način kako bi se mogle tumačiti kroz Moj Duh u vrijeme koje Meni odgovara. Nisu ni tako skrovite da ne bi mogle biti objavljene – kao kada je Pavao vidio mnoge od Mojih skrovitih tajni o kojima mu nije bilo dopušteno govoriti – nego su toliko jasne da ih svi, i mali i veliki, mogu razumjeti, i tako lake da ih svi koji žele mogu shvatiti i doznati. Stoga, neka se Moji prijatelji pobrinu za to da Moje riječi dopru do Mojih neprijatelja kako bi se oni možda obratili i osjetili tugu i kajanje za svoje grijehe kada im njihova propast i Moj sud postanu poznati. U protivnom, gradu će se suditi tako teško, baš kao što je zid porušen da ne ostane ni kamen na kamenu, tako da čak ni dva kamena ne prianjaju jedan drugome u temelju, tako će biti i s gradom, to jest sa svijetom. Suci će gorjeti u najvrelijoj vatri. Ne postoji vatra užarenija od one koja je hranjena nekom masnoćom. Ovi suci masni su s obzirom na to da su imali više mogućnosti ispunjavati svoju požudu i volju nego ostali; oni su nadišli ostale u časti i zemaljskom obilju i više vrvjeli zlobom i nepravdom. Stoga će gorjeti u najvrućoj tavi, to jest u mukama pakla! Branitelji će biti obješeni na najviša vješala. Vješala se sastoje od dviju okomitih drvenih greda s trećom smještenom okomito iznad njih. Ta vješala s dvjema drvenim gredama označavaju njihovu okrutnu i tešku muku koja je, takoreći, načinjena od dva komada drveta. Prva greda označava da se nisu nadali Mojoj vječnoj nagradi niti radili za nju svojim dobrim djelima. Druga greda označava da nisu vjerovali u Moju moć i dobrotu kada su mislili da nisam u mogućnosti učiniti sve stvari ili nisam htio priskrbiti za njih dostatno. Poprečna drvena greda označava njihovu zlu savjest, jer oni su razumjeli vrlo dobro što trebaju činiti, ali su umjesto toga činili zlo i nisu osjećali sram zbog činjenja protivno svojoj savjesti. Omča vješala označava vječnu vatru koja ne može biti ugašena vodom, niti prerezana škarama, niti uništena ni slomljena zbog starosti. Na tim vješalima najokrutnije muke i neugasivog ognja oni će visjeti i osjećati sram i tjeskobu kao nesretni izdajnici jer nisu bili odani. Oni će slušati uvrede, s obzirom na to da su im Moje riječi bile neugodne. Jao će biti njihovim ustima jer su ih njihova vlastita čast i hvala oduševljavale. Njih će na ovim vješalima komadati žive vrane, to jest đavli koji nikada ne mogu dostići svoju sitost i, iako će biti ranjeni, nikada neće biti pojedeni, nego će živjeti u muci bez kraja, i njihovi će mučitelji također živjeti bez kraja. Tamo će biti jao koji nikada neće prestati, i nevolja koja nikada neće biti ublažena. Jao njima što su ikada bili rođeni! Jao njima što im je život bio tako dug! I naposljetku, u odnosu prema radnicima, njihova pravedna presuda bit će ista kao i za bikove. Jer bikovi imaju vrlo tvrdo meso i kožu. Stoga će njihova presuda biti najoštriji čelik. Taj najoštriji čelik smrt je pakla koja će mučiti one koji su Me omalovažavali i voljeli svoju volju umjesto Mojih zapovijedi. Pismo, to jest Moje riječi, sada su zapisane. Neka Moji prijatelji rade mudro i razumno tako da to dođe do Mojih neprijatelja, jer možda će ih oni željeti čuti i pokajati se zbog svoje zlobe. Ali ako neki, nakon što su čuli Moje riječi, kažu: “Pričekajmo još koji trenutak, sud još ne dolazi, još nije njegovo vrijeme,“ tada se Ja zaklinjem po svome Božanstvu, koje je protjeralo Adama iz raja i poslalo deset pošasti nad Faraona, da ću im doći brže nego što misle. Zaklinjem se svojim Čovještvom, koje sam preuzeo bez grijeha od Djevice za spas čovječanstva i u kojemu sam podnio tugu u svom srcu i otrpio tjelesne muke i smrt radi vječnoga života ljudi, i u kojemu sam uskrsnuo ponovno iz mrtvih i uzašao na nebo i sjedim uz desnu ruku Ocu, istinski Bog i istinski čovjek u jednoj osobi, da ću ispuniti svoje riječi. Zaklinjem se svojim Duhom, koji se spustio nad apostole na dan Pedesetnice i rasplamsao u njima tako da su govorili jezikom svih ljudi, da ću, osim ako se poprave i vrate Meni kao slaba služinčad, provesti osvetu nad njima u svom gnjevu. Tada će nastati jao u duši i tijelu! Jao njima jer su došli živi u svijet i živjeli u njemu! Jao njima što njihova požuda bijaše mala i isprazna, ali će njihova muka biti vječna! Tada će shvatiti ono što sada ismijavaju vjerovati, da su Moje riječi, naime, bile riječi ljubavi. Tada će shvatiti da sam ih opominjao kao otac iako Me nisu htjeli slušati. Uistinu, ako ne žele vjerovati u Moje riječi dobre volje, morat će vjerovati u djela kada ona dođu. Riječi našega Gospodina nevjesti o tome kako je On prezrena i odvratna hrana za duše kršćana te kako je svijet umjesto Njega ljubljen i nađen očaravajućim od njih, i o zastrašujućem sudu koji se provodi nad takvim ljudima. 57. poglavlje Sin Božji govorio je svojoj nevjesti: „Kršćani se sada ponašaju prema Meni kao što su se Židovi ponašali prema Meni. Židovi su me izvukli iz hrama i imali potpunu volju ubiti Me, ali kako Moj čas još nije bio došao, umakao sam iz njihovih ruku. Kršćani se sada ponašaju prema Meni jednako. Tjeraju Me iz svoga hrama (to jest iz svoje duše, koja bi trebala biti Moj hram) i rado bi Me željeli ubiti kada bi mogli. Ja sam poput trulog i smrdljivog mesa u njihovim ustima. Ja im izgledam kao čovjek koji širi laži i ne mare za Mene uopće. Oni Mi okreću svoja leđa i Ja ću im okrenuti vratom jer ne postoji ništa osim žudnje u njihovim ustima i iracionalne zvjerske požude u njihovima tijelima. Samo je ponos divan u njihovim ušima, samo je požuda svijeta divna u njihovim očima. Moja patnja i Moja ljubav njima su mrske i Moj život težak i tegoban. Stoga ću Ja činiti što i životinja koja ima puno skrovišta: kada je lovci progone i tjeraju iz jednog skrovišta, ona bježi u drugo. To je ono što ću činiti jer Me kršćani progone svojim lošim djelima i tjeraju iz skrovišta svojih srca. Stoga Ja želim otići poganima u čijim sam ustima sada gorak i neugodan, ali ću postati slađi od meda u njihovim ustima. Usprkos tome, Ja sam i dalje toliko milostiv da ću rado primiti sve i svakoga tko moli za Moj oprost govoreći: 'Gospode, ja znam da sam griješio teško i ja se rado želim popraviti kroz Tvoju milost. Imaj milosti nada mnom radi svoje gorke muke.' Ali onima koji se otvrdnu u svom zlu, doći ću poput ratnika koji ima tri osobine: poimence, stravu, snagu i žestinu. Doći ću i biti tako zastrašujuć Kršćanima da se neće usuditi pomaknuti najmanji prst protiv Mene. Doći ću im ujedno s takvom snagom da će biti poput komaraca preda Mnom. Treće, doći ću im s takvom žestinom da će osjećati jao u ovom svijetu i jao bez kraja.“ Riječi Majke nevjesti o tome kako su Majka i Sin slatki jedno drugome. Kako je Krist gorak, gorči i najgorči đavlu i kako je sladak, slađi i najslađi dobrome. 58. poglavlje Majka Božja reče nevjesti: „Razmotri, nova nevjesto Moga Sina, patnje Moga Sina, koje gorčinom nadilaze patnje svih svetaca. Baš kao što bi majka osjetila najgorču tugu i tjeskobu kada bi vidjela svoga sina kako ga režu na komade živog, tako sam jednako Ja tugovala na mukama Moga Sina kada sam vidjela Njegovu gorku patnju.“ Tada se obrati svome Sinu govoreći: “Blagoslovljen budi, Moj Sine, jer Ti si svet, kao što se pjeva: “Svet, svet, svet, Gospodin Bog Sabaot.“ Blagoslovljen budi Ti jer si sladak, slađi i najslađi! Bio si svet prije nego što si preuzeo Čovječnost, svet u Mojoj utrobi i svet nakon što si preuzeo Čovječnost. Bio si sladak prije stvaranja svijeta, slađi anđelima i najslađi Meni kada si preuzeo Čovječnost od Mene.“ Sin odgovori: “Blagoslovljena budi Ti, Moja ljubljena Majko, iznad svih anđela. Baš kao što Ja, na trostruk način, bijah najslađi Tebi, kako si sad govorila, tako sam gorak, gorči i najgorči zlobnima. Ja sam gorak onima koji kažu da sam stvorio mnoge stvari bez razloga, i onima koji omalovažavajući govore da sam stvorio čovječanstvo za smrt, a ne za život. Kakve bijedne i nerazborite misli! Jesam li Ja, koji sam najpravedniji i najkreposniji, stvorio anđele bez razloga? Bih li obogatio čovječanstvo tolikim dobrim stvarima da sam ga stvorio za prokletstvo? Nipošto! Ja sam stvorio sve stvari dobro i dao svako dobro čovječanstvu iz svoje ljubavi. Ali ono je, međutim, okrenulo sve dobre stvari u zle za sebe. To nije zato što sam Ja stvorio išta zlo, nego čovječanstvo pokreće svoju volju u drukčijem pravcu nego što bi trebalo, a ne prema Božjem zakonu, i to je zlo. Ali Ja sam gorči onima koji tvrde da sam im dao slobodnu volju da griješe, a ne da čine dobro, koji govore da sam nepravedan jer neke osuđujem, a druge opravdavam, i koji Mene krive zbog svoje vlastite zlobe zato što im uskraćujem svoju milost. Ja sam najgorči onima koji tvrde da su Moj zakon i zapovijedi pretjerano strogi i teški i da nitko nije u mogućnosti poštovati ih, koji tvrde da im Moja patnja ne vrijedi ništa i stoga ju ne uračunavaju nizašto. Stoga, zaklinjem se svojim životom, kao što sam se nekoć zaklinjao po prorocima, da ću opravdati sebe pred anđelima i svim svojim svecima. Oni kojima sam gorak shvatit će da sam stvorio sve stvari razumno i dobro za korištenje i obrazovanje čovječanstva, i da ni najmanji crv ne postoji bez razloga. Oni kojima sam gorak shvatit će da sam mudro dao ljudima slobodnu volju za njihovo vlastito dobro. Također će znati da sam pravedan, dajući vječno kraljevstvo dobrim ljudima, a vječnu muku zlima. Jer ne bi bilo primjerno za đavla, koji je stvoren dobrim od Mene, ali je posrnuo kroz svoju vlastitu opakost, da živi u zajedništvu s dobrima. Zli će također shvatiti da nije Moja krivnja što su zli, nego njihova vlastita krivnja. Jer kada bi bilo moguće, rado bih za sve i svakog čovjeka preuzeo na sebe istu muku koju sam jednom otrpio na križu kada bi se time oni mogli vratiti svome obećanom nasljedstvu. Ali volja je čovječanstva uvijek suprotstavljena Mojoj. Dao sam mu slobodu da Mi služi ako hoće i da stekne vječnu nagradu; ali ako ono to ne želi, treba biti mučeno zajedno s đavlima i njegovim sljedbenicima zbog čije je zlobe pakao opravdano stvoren. Ali zato što sam pun dobročinstva, ne želim da mi čovječanstvo služi zbog straha ili bude prisiljeno na to poput iracionalne životinje, nego iz ljubavi prema Bogu, jer nitko tko Mi služi nevoljko ili zbog straha od muka ne može vidjeti Moje lice. No, oni kojima sam najgorči, shvatit će u svojoj svijesti da je Moj zakon bio najlakši i Moje breme najslađe. Oni će osjećati neutješnu tugu što su odbacili Moj zakon i umjesto njega voljeli svijet, čije je breme veće i puno teže od Mog bremena.“ Tada Majka Božja odgovori: “Blagoslovljen budi, Sine Moj, Bože Moj i Moj Gospode! Budući da si bio najslađi za Mene, Ja Te molim za to da i drugi mogu biti učinjeni sudionicima Moje slatkoće!“ Sin odgovori: “Blagoslovljena budi, Moja najdraža Majko! Tvoje su riječi slatke i pune ljubavi. Stoga će svi i svatko tko uzima Tvoju slatkoću u svoja usta i održava je, biti savršeno unaprijeđen pomoću toga. Ali onaj koji ju uzima pa potom ispljune, bit će mučen utoliko gorče.“ Tada Djevica odgovori: “Blagoslovljen budi, Sine Moj, zbog sve Tvoje milosti i ljubavi!“ Riječi Kristove, u prisutnosti nevjeste, o tome kako je Krist uspoređen sa seljakom, dobar svećenik s dobrim pastirom, loš svećenik s lošim pastirom i dobri kršćani sa ženom. Mnoge su korisne stvari objašnjene u ovoj prispodobi. 59. poglavlje „Ja sam onaj koji nikada nije rekao ništa lažno. Svijet Me smatra seljakom čije se ime čini vrijednim prezira. Moje se riječi računaju kao ludost i Moja kuća smatra prezrenom šupom. Taj seljak imao je ženu koja nije željela ništa drugo osim onoga što je on želio, koja je posjedovala sve s njim i imala ga za svoga gospodara, slušajući ga u svemu kao svoga gospodara. Seljak je također imao mnogo ovaca, i unajmio je pastira da bdije nad njima za pet zlatnih novčića i za nužnosti svojih tjelesnih potreba. Budući da to bijaše dobar pastir, koristio je zlato za svoju dobrobit i hranu za svoje preživljavanje. Nakon što je neko vrijeme prošlo, taj je pastir otišao i došao je drugi koji je bio gori, koji je kupio sebi ženu zlatom i donio joj svoju hranu, stalno uzimajući počinak s njom bez brige o ovcama koje su se u očaju razbježale pred okrutnim zvijerima. Kada je seljak vidio kako njegove ovce bijahu natjerane u bijeg, povika govoreći: 'Moj mi je pastir nevjeran! Moje su ovce raspršile najokrutnije zvijeri. Neke od njih potpuno su proždrle zvijeri s tijelom i runom, a druge su mrtve, ali su njihova tijela ostala nepojedena.' Tada žena reče svom mužu seljaku: Moj gospodaru, sigurno je da nećemo dobiti tijela koja su proždrta, ali tijela koja su ostala neozlijeđena, iako su bez života, treba donijeti kući i učiniti korisnima. Jer bilo bi nepodnošljivo za nas da smo sve izgubili.' Muž joj odgovori: 'Ali što ćemo učiniti? S obzirom na to da su zvijeri imale otrovne zube, meso ovce također je otrovano smrtonosnim otrovom, krzno je uništeno i vuna sva zamršena.' Žena odgovori: 'Ako je sve zaraženo i upropašteno i sve nam je uzeto, od čega ćemo onda živjeti?' Muž joj odgovori: 'Vidim da ima još živih ovaca na tri mjesta. Neke su poput mrtvih ovaca i ne usuđuju se disati od straha. Druge leže duboko u blatu i ne mogu se podići. No preostale leže u skrovitim mjestima i ne usude se izaći. Dođi stoga, ženo moja, i hajdemo podići ovce koje se pokušavaju ustati, ali ne mogu to učiniti bez pomoći, i učinimo ih korisnima za svoju vlastitu dobrobit.' Vidi, Ja, Gospod, taj sam seljak jer ljudi Me smatraju magarcem odraslim u svojoj štali prema svojim načinima i navikama. Moje ime temelj je Svete crkve, ali ona se sada smatra vrijednom prezira s obzirom na to da se sakramenti Crkve, poimence krštenje, potvrda, pomazanje, pokora i brak, uzimaju, takoreći, s porugom i daju drugima zbog pohlepe. Moje riječi i djela smatraju se ludošću i ispraznošću te osuđuju, jer su riječi koje sam Ja govorio u prispodobama svojim vlastitim ustima, sada pretvorene iz duhovnog razumijevanja u zemaljsku zabavu. Na Moju se kuću gleda kao na kuću vrijednu prezira jer su stvari zemlje voljene umjesto stvari Neba. Ovim prvim svećenikom kojeg sam imao, simboliziram svoje prijatelje svećenike koje sam običavao imati u Svetoj crkvi; jer pod jednom riječju mislim i označavam mnoge. Ja sam im povjerio svoje ovce, to jest da posvećuju Moje časno tijelo i da vladaju dušama Mojih izabranika i brane ih. Također sam im dao pet dobrih stvari vrjednijih od sveg zlata: Prvo, uvid i razumijevanje o svim nejasnim stvarima kako bi mogli uočiti razliku između dobra i zla, i između istine i laži. Drugo, dao sam im razumijevanje i mudrost u duhovim stvarima; to je sada zaboravljeno i ljudska se mudrost voli umjesto toga. Treće, dao sam im čednost; četvrto, umjerenost u svim stvarima i suzdržljivost za obuzdavanje i vodstvo svoga tijela; peto, postojanost u dobrim navikama, riječima i djelima. Nakon ovoga prvog pastira, to jest nakon ovih prijatelja Mojih, koji su običavali biti u Mojoj Crkvi u stara vremena, dođoše drugi nepravedni pastiri koji su kupili ženu za sebe zlatom, to jest uzeli za sebe tijelo žene i nesuzdržljivost umjesto čednosti i ovih pet dobrih stvari, i zato se Moj Duh odvojio od njih. Jer kada oni imaju potpunu volju griješiti i zadovoljiti svoju ženu, to jest zadovoljiti svoju požudu, tada je Moj Duh daleko od njih jer ne mare za propast ovaca dokle god mogu zadovoljiti svoju zlu požudu. Ali ovce koje su potpuno proždrte, one su duše u paklu i njihova tijela pokopana su u grob čekajući uskrsnuće njihova vječnog prokletstva. Ovce čija su tijela ostala, ali čiji je duh oduzet, jesu oni koji Me ne vole, ne boje Me se, niti osjećaju ikakvu privrženost ili obzir prema Meni. Moj Duh daleko je od njih jer je njihovo meso otrovano otrovnim zubima zvijeri, to jest njihova duša i njihove misli, koje su simbolizirane ovčjim mesom i utrobom, u svakom su Mi slučaju jednako odvratne i jednako odbojna okusa kao i otrovano meso. Iz njihova skrovišta, to jest iz njihova tijela sva dobrota i milosrđe presušili su i ono je neprikladno za ijednu službu u Mom kraljevstvu, i bit će isporučeno vječnim vatrama pakla nakon presude. Njihova vuna, to jest njihova djela u ukupnosti su toliko beskorisna da ne postoji ništa u njima što bi ih učinilo dostojnima primiti Moju ljubav i milost. Ali što ćemo učiniti tada, Moja ženo, to jest dobri kršćani, koje žena simbolizira, što trebamo učiniti? Vidim da su ovce žive na tri mjesta. Neke od njih izgledaju kao mrtvo stado i ne usuđuju se disati od straha. To su pogani koji bi rado imali pravu vjeru kada bi samo znali kako, ali se ne usuđuju disati, to jest ne usuđuju se ostaviti vjeru koju imaju i uzeti pravu. Drugo su stado oni koji leže u skrovištima, koji se ne usuđuju izaći, i to su Židovi koji žive, takoreći, pod velom i koji bi rado istupili kada bi znali zasigurno da sam Ja rođen. Oni se, naime, skrivaju pod velom jer se nadaju da je spasenje u brojkama i znakovima koji su korišteni da Me simboliziraju u Starom Zakonu, ali koji je uistinu ispunjen u Meni, i zbog te isprazne nade boje se istupiti u pravu vjeru. Treće stado, koje leži u blatu, Kršćani su u stanju smrtnog grijeha. Oni bi se rado uzdignuli zbog svojega straha od muke, ali ne mogu zbog svojih teških grijeha i zato što nemaju Božanske ljubavi. Stoga, Moja ženo, to jest dobri Kršćani, pomozite Mi! Jer baš kao što žena i muž trebaju biti jedno tijelo i jedan ud, tako je Kršćanin Moj ud i Ja sam njegov, s obzirom na to da sam Ja u njemu i on u Meni. Stoga, o, ženo Moja, to jest dobri Kršćani, žurite sa Mnom do stada koje još ima dah života, i hajdemo ga podići i osvježiti! Imajte milosti prema Meni, jer Ja sam ih otkupio po vrlo visokoj cijeni! Hajdemo ih podići, vi sa Mnom i Ja s vama, vi u pozadini i Ja na čelu! Ja ih rado nosim svojim rukama. Jednom sam ih ponio sve na svojim leđima kada sam bio sav rastrgan i pribijen na križ. O, Moji prijatelji, Ja volim te ovce tako duboko da, kada bi bilo moguće da za svaku ovcu otrpim takvu smrt kakvu sam jednom otrpio za sve njih, radije bih ih otkupio nego želio izgubiti. Zato zazivam svoje prijatelje svim svojim srcem, da ne bi trebali štedjeti dobara ni truda Mene radi; jer ako Ja nisam bio pošteđen od pogrdnih i uvredljivih riječi dok sam bio u svijetu, oni ne bi trebali štedjeti sebe u govorenju istine o Meni. Ja se nisam stidio otrpjeti prezrivu smrt radi njih, nego stajah tamo gol, baš kao što sam se rodio, pred očima svojih neprijatelja. Bio sam udaran po zubima njihovim šakama. Bio sam vučen za kosu njihovim prstima i bičevan njihovim bičevima. Bio sam pribijen na križ njihovim alatima i visio na križu među lopovima i razbojnicima. Stoga, Moji prijatelji, ne štedite sebe u radu za Mene jer Ja sam podnio takve stvari iz ljubavi prema vama. Radite odvažno i donesite pomoć svim Mojim ovcama u nevolji. Kunem se svojom Čovječnošću, koja je u Ocu kao što je Otac u Meni, i po svom Božanstvu koje je u Mom Duhu kao što je Duh u Božanstvu, i isti je Duh u Meni i Ja u Njemu, i ovo je jedan Bog u tri osobe, da ću istrčati ususret na pola puta onima koji rade na nošenju Mojih ovaca sa Mnom i pomoći im, i dati im najdragocjeniju nagradu, naime, sebe u njihovoj vječnoj radosti.“ Riječi Sina nevjesti o tri vrste kršćana simbolizirane Židovima koji žive u Egiptu, i o tome kako stvari koje su otkrivene nevjesti trebaju biti prenesene, objavljene i propovijedane neukim osobama od strane Božjih prijatelja. 60. poglavlje Sin Božji govorio je nevjesti i rekao: “Ja sam Bog izraelski i onaj koji je govorio s Mojsijem. Kada je Mojsije poslan Mom narodu, molio je za znak govoreći: 'Ljudi mi neće drukčije vjerovati.' Ali ako su ljudi kojima je Mojsije poslan bili Božji ljudi, zašto nisu vjerovali? Trebaš znati da se taj narod sastojao od tri vrste ljudi: Neki su vjerovali u Boga i Mojsija. Drugi su vjerovali u Boga, ali nisu vjerovali Mojsiju jer su mislili da je, možda iz svoje vlastite domišljatosti i pretpostavke, pretpostavio reći i činiti te stvari. Treći su bili oni koji nisu vjerovali niti u Boga niti u Mojsija. Na isti način sada postoje tri vrste ljudi među Kršćanima, koje se simboliziraju Židovskim narodom: Postoje neki koji ispravno vjeruju u Boga i Moje riječi. Postoje drugi koji vjeruju u Boga, ali ne vjeruju Mojim riječima zato što ne mogu razaznati dobrog i lošeg duha. Treći su oni koji ne vjeruju ni u Mene ni u tebe, kojoj sam Ja izgovorio svoje riječi. Ali, kao što sam rekao, iako neki Židovi nisu vjerovali Mojsiju, ipak su svi prošli kroz Crveno more s njim i u pustinju, gdje su oni koji nisu vjerovali štovali idole i izazvali gnjev Božji, što je ujedno razlog zašto su umrli najnesretnijim smrtima. Ali to se dogodilo samo onima koji su imali zlu vjeru. Stoga, Moj će prijatelj odnijeti Moje riječi onima koji mu vjeruju, jer ljudska duša sporo vjeruje. I ovi će ih kasnije proširiti drugima koji ne znaju razlikovati dobar i loš duh. Ali ako ih slušatelji budu molili za znak, dopustite pokazati tim ljudima palicu, baš kao što je Mojsije učinio, to jest neka im objasne Moje riječi. Jer kao što je palica Mojsijeva bila izravna i zastrašujuća (jer je pretvorena u zmiju), tako su i Moje riječi izravne da se nikakve laži ne mogu naći u njima. One su zastrašujuće jer navještaju pravedan sud. Neka također objasne i svjedoče da, po jednoj riječi i glasu jednih usta, đavao odstupa od Božjeg stvorenja – on, koji može pomicati planine, da nije ograničen po Mojoj moći. Kakva mu je moć pripadala kada je, s Božjim dopuštenjem, otjeran zvukom jedne riječi? Stoga, baš kao što su oni Židovi, koji nisu vjerovali ni u Boga ni u Mojsija, ipak izašli iz Egipta za obećanom zemljom kada su, takoreći, bili prisiljeni zajedno s drugima, tako i mnogi Kršćani polaze nevoljko, zajedno s Mojim izabranim ljudima, jer ne vjeruju u Moju moć da ih ozdravim. Oni ne vjeruju u Moje riječi i imaju lažnu nadu u Moju moć. Ipak, Moje će se riječi ispuniti bez njihove volje i bit će, takoreći, prisiljeni tijekom ispunjenja dok ne dođu do mjesta koje Me zadovoljava.“ ČETVRTA KNJIGA Kupite Objavama Svete Brigite Švedske na Lulu (488 Stranice) Prvo poglavlje Riječi evanđelista Ivana zaručnici kako nijedno djelo nije bez naplate i kako Biblija nadilazi sva druga pisma. O jednom kralju, razbojniku i rasipniku i tako dalje. O savjetu koji je Ivan dao kralju i kako poradi Boga treba prezirati bogatstvo i čast. Zaručnici se pokazala osoba muškarca kojem je na porugu bila odrezana kosa. Njegovo tijelo je bilo cijelo pomazano uljem i potpuno golo. No on se nije sramio i reče zaručnici: „Pismo koje nazivate svetim govori kako nijedno djelo nije bez naplate. To je pismo koje se kod vas zove Biblija. No kod nas je sjajno kao blistavo sunce, neusporedivije od zlata, plodno kao sjeme iz kojeg proizlazi stostruki plod. Jer kao što zlato nadizali sve metale, tako i pismo koje nazivate svetim nadilazi sva pisma jer se u njemu časti i propovijeda istinski Bog. Pripovijedaju se djela patrijarha, objašnjavaju nadahnuća proroka. Budući da nijedno djelo nije bez naplate, čuj što kažem: kralj za kojeg moliš je pred Bogom razbojnik, izdajnik duša, rasipnički trošitelj bogatstva. Kao što nijedan izdajica nije gori od onog koji izdaje onoga tko ga voli, tako i on na duhovan način izdaje mnoge jer na tjelesni način voli nepravedne, bezbožne uzvisuje na nepravedan način, ugnjetava pravedne i prešutno prelazi preko razvrata koje treba popraviti. S druge strane nijedan razbojnik nije gori od onoga koji izdaje onoga koji polaže svoju glavu na njegove grudi; jer narod njegove zemlje, koji kao da je bilo položen na njegove grudi, opljačkao je na bijedan način, dopustio je da mu budu oduzeti posjed i dobra i nametnuo je što je nepodnošljivo dok je odvraćao pogled od nepravde koju su drugi počinili i cijelo je vrijeme pravdu provodio nemarno. Treće, nijedan kradljivac nije gori od onoga koji potkrada svojeg gospodara koji mu je sve povjerio i predao mu svoje ključeve. Ovaj kralj je primio ključeve za moć i čast koje je koristio na nepravedan i rasipnički način i ne na Božju čast. No budući da se ipak odrekao nečega što voli iz ljubavi prema meni, dajem mu trostruki savjet. Prvo, da treba biti kao čovjek u evanđelju koji je napustio svinjska korita i vratio se svom ocu; tako i on treba prezreti bogatstvo i čast koji u usporedbi s vječnim stvarima nisu ništa drugo doli svinjski jarci i s poniznošću i predanošću se vratiti svome ocu i Bogu. Drugo, treba pustiti mrtve da pokapaju svoje mrtve i slijediti uski put raspetog Boga. Treće, treba ostaviti težak teret svojih grijeha i ići putem koji je u početku uzak, ali na kraju pun radosti. A ti koja me sama vidiš dobro raspoznaješ kako sam ja onaj koji je savršeno spoznao zlatno pismo i spoznajom ga proširio. Bio sam sramotno razgoljen, no budući da sam strpljivo izdržao, Bog je moju dušu odjenuo besmrtnom odjećom. Također sam bio uronjen u ulje i zato se sad radujem u ulju vječne radosti. Pored toga sam nakon Majke Božje svijet napustio najlakšom smrću jer sam bio čuvar Majke Božje i moje tijelo se nalazi na vrlo mirnom i sigurnom mjestu.“ Drugo poglavlje Čudesno i neobično viđenje zaručnice. Bog izlaže to viđenje. Prema tom izlaganju kršteni su označeni životinjom, pogani ribom, a Božji prijatelji trima gomilama ljudi. Potom je zaručnica imala viđenje o dvije posude vage koje su visjele iznad zemlje, a sa svojim su se vrhovima i vezama pružale sve do neba. Njihovi krugovi su prodirali nebo. U prvoj posudi je ležala riba čija je krljušt bila oštra kao britva; njezino lice joj je bilo kao baziliska; njezina usta su bila kao ona jednoroga koji ispljuvava otrov; uši su bile kao dva vrlo oštra koplja i kao željezne oštrice. U drugoj posudi se nalazila životinja čija je koža bila kao kremen. Čudovišna usta su izlijevala usijane plamene. Njezini kapci su bili kao vrlo čvrsti mačevi. I njezine uši su bile vrlo čvrste i od sebe su veoma bacale oštre strijele kao od čvrstog i napetog luka. Nakon toga su se pojavile tri gomile naroda na zemlji; od njih je prva bila mala, druga manja, a treća vrlo mala. O tome je zazvučao glas s neba koji im reče: „O, moji prijatelji, žestoko žeđam za srcem one čudesne životinje. Kad bi barem bilo nekoga tko bi mi ga iz ljubavi pružio. I za krvlju ribe imam vatrenu želju, kad bi se barem mogao naći čovjek koji bi mi je donio.“ Iz jedne gomile odgovori jedna glas i reče kao iz usta svih: „Čuj, o, naš Stvoritelju, kako možemo donijeti srce tako velike životinje čija je koža tvrđa od kremena? Ako se želimo približiti njezinim ustima, bit ćemo zapaljeni plamenom njihove vatre; pogledamo li njezine oči, probušit će nas strijele njihovih iskri. Kad bi i bilo nade da se ima životinju, tko bi mogao uhvatiti ribu? Njezina krljušt i peraje su oštrije od mača, njezine oči nam zasljepljuju pogled, njezina usta nad nas izlijevaju neizlječiv otvor.“ Glas s neba odgovori i reče: „O, moji prijatelji, životinja i riba vam se čine nesavladivi, no kod Svemogućeg je sve lako. Tko dakle uvijek traži način da se bori protiv životinje, njemu ću iz neba uliti mudrost i dodijeliti snagu. A tko je spreman umrijeti za mene, njemu ću se sam dati za plaću.“ Prva gomila odgovori: „O, najviši Oče, Ti si davatelj svega dobrog, a mi, Tvoja stvorenja, rado ćemo Ti na Tvoju čast dati svoje srce. No budući da nam smrt izgleda teškom, slabost tijela tegobnom, a znanje nam je malo, upravljaj nas Ti iznutra i izvana i milostivo primi što Ti nudimo i nagradi kako i koliko Ti se sviđa.“ Druga gomila odgovori: „Uviđamo svoje slabosti i vidimo ispraznosti i promjenjivost svijeta. Zato ćemo Ti rado dati svoje srce i cijelu svoju volju podrediti drugima jer radije stojimo ispod drugih nego što želimo posjedovati najmanje od svijeta.“ Treća gomila reče: „Čuj, gospodaru, koji želiš srce životinje i žeđaš za krvlju ribe, rado ćemo Ti dati svoje srce i pripremiti se umrijeti za Tebe. Ti daj mudrost i mi ćemo tražiti način da nađemo srce životinje.“ Potom odjekne glas s neba i reče: „O, prijatelju, ako želiš naći srce životinje, probuši oštrim svrdlom svoje šake u sredini. Onda uzmi kitove kapke i zalijepi ih jakim ljepilom za svoje kapke. Uzmi čeličnu ploču i zaveži je za svoje srce tako da širina i površina čelika pokriva tvoje srce, zatvori i svoje nosnice, ali zadrži dah u grlu. Tako zatvorenim ustima i uvućenim dahom idi hrabro naprijed protiv divljine životinje. Kad stigneš do same životinje, zahvati objema rukama njezine uši; njezine strijele ti neće naškoditi, već će proći kroz otvore u tvojim šakama. K tome trči nasuprot životinje zatvorenim ustima i kad joj dođeš blizu, puhni cijeli svoj dah na nju. Ako se približi, njezini plamenovi ti neće naškoditi, već će prodrijeti na samu životinju i zapaliti je. Brižno vodi računa o mačevima koji proizlaze iz očiju životinje i nasuprot njima drži svoje oči zaštićene kitovim kapcima; udare li se međusobno, mačevi životinje će se ili saviti, ili otići u srce životinje. Također pažljivo vodi računa o otkucajima srca životinje i zabij vrh čelika tako da probušiš kremenu kožu životinje. Ako je probušena, znaj da će životinja umrijeti i njezino će srce biti moje. Ako je vrijedno jedan talent, radnicima ću dati sto. Ukoliko se koža opre udarcu i životinja ozlijedi čovjeka, izliječit ću ga, a ako je mrtav, opet ću ga oživjeti. Tko mi želi donijeti ribu, neka ide na obalu s mrežom u rukama koja nije sastavljena od konaca, već od najdragocjenijeg metala. Ali neka ne ide u vodu dublje nego od koljena da mu valovi ne bi naškodili i neka nogu postavi na čvrsto mjesto gdje nema mulja. Onda neka zatvori jedno oko i neka ga okrene prema ribi i onda mu njezino baziliško oko neće naškoditi. Također se treba oboružati čeličnim štitom da ga riba oštrim zubima svojeg ugriza ne bi ranila. Tako naoružan neka snažno i pažljivo baci mrežu nad nju i neka pazi da je ova britvom svoje krljušti ne razdere niti da može pobjeći. Nakon što je mrežu raširio gore nad njim i deset sati držao nad vodom, riba će uginuti. Onda je treba donijeti na obalu i pogledati okom koje nije zatvorio, položiti ruku i otvoriti je na leđima gdje je više krvi i tako je pružiti svojem gospodaru. No ako riba uzmakne, i poželi otplivati na drugu obalu i naškoditi čovjeku svojim otrovom, ja imam moć izliječiti otrovanoga. Nagrada za krv ribe neće biti manja od one za srce životinje.“ Dalje reče Bog: „Obje posude vage znače kao da je netko rekao: Pošteđuj i podnosi, čekaj i smiluj se kao kad netko vidi nepravdu drugoga i postojano ga opominje da se odvrati od zla. Tako i ja, Bog i Stvoritelj svih stvari, ponekad na način vage spuštam čovjeku, opominjem ga, pošteđujem ga i kušam ga kroz nevolju. Ponekad se podižem tako što prosvjetljujem srca ljudi, raspaljujem ih i posjećujem neobičnom milošću. Veze vage koje dosežu do oblaka znače da ja, Bog svih stvari, uzdržavam sve, pogane kao i kršćane, prijatelje kao i neprijatelje, svojom milošću prosvjetljujem i posjećujem pod pretpostavkom da će se naći ljudi koji odgovaraju mojoj milosti i žele odvratiti svoju volju od naginjanja zlu. Životinja predstavlja one koji nakon što su primili krštenje i došli do doba razlikovanja ne slušaju riječi svetog evanđelja, čije su se srce i usta okrenuli zemaljskom i uopće se ne obaziru na ono što je duhovno. Riba pak predstavlja pogane koji su uokolo tjerani na ljuljanju požude i čija je krv, to jest vjera, neznatna kao i spoznaja Boga. Zato želim srce životinje i krv ribe i tražim je li nađen netko tko bi poduzeo da mi ih iz ljubavi donese. Tri gomile su moji prijatelji. Prvi su oni koji razumno koriste svijet; drugi su oni koji napuštaju vlastito i ponizno se pokoravaju; treći su oni koji su spremni umrijeti za Boga.“ Treće poglavlje Čudesan razgovor u obliku pitanja i odgovora između Boga i zaručnice o kralju i njegovu nasljednom pravu u kraljevstvu; o njegovim nasljednicima i kako po njima nešto treba biti vraćeno, a nešto ne. „O, Gospodine“, reče zaručnica, „ne budi nevoljan što pitam. Iz pisma sam čula da se ništa ne smije steći nepravdom i ništa zadržati što je stečeno protiv prava. Ovaj kralj ima zemlju, neki kažu da je posjeduje s pravom, drugi tvrde suprotno i čudno je ako kod ovoga trpiš što kod drugih zabranjuješ.“ Bog odgovori: „Nakon potopa nisu preostali nikoji ljudi osim onih koji su se nalazili u Noinoj arki. Iz njih je potekao rod koji je krenuo prema izlasku sunca. Neki od njih su došli u Švedsku. Jedan drugi rod je išao prema zalasku; neki iznikli od njih su došli u Dansku. No oni koji su prvi počeli obrađivati zemlju koja nije bila okružena vodom nisu si prisvojili ništa od zemlje onih koji su živjeli s druge strane vode ili na otocima, već je svaki bio sretan s onim što je našao kao što je pisano o Lotu i Abrahamu. 'Želiš li ići desno', reče on, 'ja ću zadržati lijevo.' Kao da je htio reći: 'Sve što si prisvojiš bit će tvoje i pripadat će tvojim baštinicima.' S vremenom su došli suci i kraljevi koji, zadovoljni svojim granicama, nisu zaposjedali zemlju onih koji su živjeli na otocima i s druge strane voda, već je svaki ostajao u granicama svojih praočeva.“ Ona odgovori: „Ako je dio jednog kraljevstva darivanjem otuđen od kraljevstva, ne bi li nasljednici to trebali moći tražiti natrag?“ Bog joj odgovori: „U jednom određenom kraljevstvu se čuvala kruna koja je pripadala kralju. Narod je mislio da ne može opstati bez kralja. Zato su si izabrali kralja i predali izabranom kralju krunu na čuvanje i predaju budućim kraljevima. Kad je tako izabrani kralj dio krune htio otuđiti ili je smanjiti, budući kralj bi je zaista mogao i morao tražiti natrag jer se ne smije dogoditi smanjenje krune i kralj krunu kraljevstva ne smije umanjiti niti otuđiti osim iz razumnog razloga za vrijeme trajanja svojih dana. Što je drugo kruna jednog kraljevstva doli kraljevska vlast? Što je drugo kraljevstvo doli njemu podređen narod? I što je drugo kralj doli posrednik i uzdržavatelj kraljevstva i naroda, dakle čuvar i branitelj krune? Krunu ne smije niti dijeliti niti smanjivati na štetu budućeg kralja.“ Zaručnica upita dalje: „A kad bi neki kralj zbog vlasti bio prisiljen otuđiti dio krune?“ Bog odgovori: „Kad bi se dvojica svađala, a moćniji ne bi htio biti milosrdan, već bi drugom odsjekao prst, kome bi onda pripadao odsječeni prst doli onome koji je pretrpio štetu? Tako je i s kraljevstvom. Ako je neki kralj u nuždi ili zarobljeništvu umanjio svoje kraljevstvo za jedan dio, onda će ga budući kralj zaista moći zahtijevati natrag; jer kralj nije njegov gospodar, već sluga, a nužda ne čini zakon.“ Ona odgovori: „Kad bi neki kralj nekom gospodaru na dane svoga života dao odstupio dio krune i nakon kraljeve smrti onaj gospodar ili njegov nasljednik ga htio zadržati kao vlastiti, mora li onda biti tražen natrag?“ Na to odgovori Gospodin: „Zemlja se svakako mora vratiti zakonitom gospodaru.“ Ona upita dalje: „Ako bi dio krune bio nekome založen zbog duga i ovaj nakon što je mnoge godine ubirao plodove umre, a zemlja je nakon toga dospjela u ruke drugoga koji nema pravedno pravo na nju jer mu nije ostavljena niti založena, već ju je pri nekoj prilici uzeo u posjed i ne želi je vratiti prije nego što primi novac, što bi se tu trebalo učiniti?“ Gospodin joj reče: „Kad bi netko u ruci držao zlatnu kuglu i rekao nekome tko stoji kraj njega: 'Ova kugla je tvoja, ako je opet želiš imati, samo daj toliko i toliko funti.', zaista bi mu se trebalo dati toliko funti. Gdje je dakle zemlja dovedena pod vlast i mirno zadržana, mora ju se mudro zahtijevati natrag i s uračunavanjem štete opet steći natrag. Kao što je kralj koji je izabran uzdignut na kamen da ga narod vidi i time se označuje da ima vlast i posjed u gornjim dijelovima kraljevstva, tako ta zemlja i u svojim donjim dijelovima pomoću nasljedstva i kupnje i prekupa pripada kraljevstvu. Zato kralj treba čuvati što je primio da ne bi, ako drukčije postupa, izgubio kraljevstvo i kruna se izgubila.“ Zaručnica reče dalje: „O, Gospodine, ne budi nevoljan ako još jednom pitam. Jedan kralj ima dva kraljevstva i dva sina. U jednom kraljevstvu je kralj pomoću nasljedstva, a u drugom je izabran voljom naroda. No sad je uslijedila suprotnost; jer mlađi sin je kralj je postao kralj u naslijeđenom kraljevstvu, a stariji u kraljevstvu u kojem mora biti izabran.“ Bog odgovori: „Kod birača su se nalazila tri nedolična svojstva, a četvrto je postojalo u prebogatoj mjeri: neuredna ljubav, hinjena pamet, laskanje budalastih i nepovjerenje prema Bogu i zajednici. Zato je njihov izbor bio protiv pravednosti, protiv Boga, protiv blagostanja države i potreba zajednice. Da bi se osiguralo očuvanje mira i da bi se odgovaralo općim potrebama, nužno je da stariji sin uzme nasljedno kraljevstvo u posjed, a mlađi izborno kraljevstvo. Osim toga ako se ono što je prije dogodilo ne povuče, kraljevstvo će trpjeti štetu, zajednica će biti ožalošćena, nastat će nesloga, dani sinova će proći u gorčini, njihova kraljevstva ubrzo neće više biti kraljevstva, već kao što stoji pisano: 'Moćni će napustiti svoje stolice, a oni koji su lutali zemljom bit će uzvišeni.' Gledaj, ispričat ću ti primjer o dva kraljevstva, u jednom se bira, u drugom nasljeđuje; prvo, u kojem se bira, pusto je i ožalošćeno jer istinski nasljednik nije izabran i to su učinile stranke među biračima i gramzljivost onih koji su stremili za kraljevstvom. Tako Bog ne rastužuje sina radi grijeha njegova oca i nije gnjevan vječno, već vrši i drži pravednost na zemlji i nebu. Zato ono kraljevstvo neće doći do prijašnje slave i u sretnije stanje sve dok iz očinskog ili majčinskog potomstva ne ustane pravi nasljednik.“ Četvrto poglavlje Božje riječi zaručnici o dva duha, naime o dobrom i zlom, i o čudesnom i korisnom ratu u srcu jedne žene koji je proizašao iz nadahnuća dobrog duha i napasti zlog duha i što je u tome izabrala. Krist reče zaručnici: „Misli i nadahnuća u srcima ljudi prouzrokuju i ulijevaju dva duha, naime jedan zao i jedan dobar duh. Dobar duh savjetuje da misle na buduće nebesko, a vremenito da ne vole. Zao duh savjetuje da se voli ono što se vidi i čini grijeh nečim lakim. Poziva se na slabosti i navodi primjere slabih. Ispričat ću ti primjer kako su oba duha zapalila srce one tebi poznate žene i kraljice o kojoj sam ti već prije govorio. Dobri duh joj govori i daje njezinim mislima slijedeće: 'Bogatstvo je teret, čast svijeta kao zrak, a uživanje tijela kao san. Radosti su prolazne i sve svjetovno je ispraznost. Budući sud je neizbježan, a mučitelj vrlo okrutan. Zato mi se čini vrlo teškim preuzeti odgovornost za uporabu prolaznog bogatstva, podnositi dugotrajne muke za kratkotrajno zadovoljstvo i polagati račun onome kome je sve poznato još prije nego što se dogodi; zato je sigurnije odustati od mnogo toga i voditi račun samo o malo toga nego se uplesti u mnogo toga i polagati dug i težak račun.' Na to nadahnuće nasuprot tome odgovara zli duh: 'Pusti takve misli, Bog je dobrostiv i lako ga je ublažiti. Hrabro posjeduj dobra i bogato troši što posjeduješ; jer rođena si da budeš hvaljena kad udijeliš onome koji moli. Ako napustiš bogatstvo, služit ćeš onima koji su služiti tebi, tvoja će se čast smanjiti, a prijezir umnožiti; osoba koja je siromašna odlazi bez utjehe. Tebi je također teško naći se u novim navikama, krotiti tijelo tebi stranim vladanjem i živjeti bez posluge. Zato ostani u primljenoj časti, kraljevski zadrži svoj položaj, opskrbi svoju kuću hvalevrijedno tako da kad promijeniš svoj položaj ne budeš okrivljena zbog nepostojanosti; nastavi štoviše kao započeto i imat ćeš slavu kod Boga i kod ljudi.' Potom dobar duh opet dijeli srcu ove žene i kraljice savjet govoreći: 'Znam da su dvije stvari vječne, nebo i pakao. Nitko tko Boga voli iznad svega neće doći u pakao, a tko Boga ne voli, neće imati nebo. Sam Bog je putovao na putu za nebo nakon što je postao čovjekom i potvrdio ga je svojim čudima i svojom smrću. Kako li je nebesko divno, kako gorka đavlova zloba i kako isprazno zemaljsko! Samog Boga su slijedili njegova majka i svi njegovi sveti; htjeli su podnijeti svaku patnju i sve radije izgubiti, prezreti se kako ne bi izgubili nebesko i božansko. Zato je sigurnije brzo se odreći časti i bogatstva nego ih htjeti zadržati do kraja kad sa sjećanjem raste i bol zbog grijeha i oni koji ne pitaju za moje spasenje prisvajaju moje stečeno bogatstvo.' Na to zlo đavlovo nadahnuće odgovara: 'Prestani razmišljati tako; mi smo slabi ljudi, a Krist je Bog i čovjek; ne smijemo svoja djela uspoređivati s onima svetih koji su imali veću milost i prijateljstvo s Bogom. Treba nam biti dovoljno nadati se nebu i živjeti u svojim slabostima te popraviti naše grijehe milostinjom i molitvom. Bilo bi naime djetinjasto i budalasto započeti nešto neuobičajeno i ne moći izvesti.' Dobro nadahnuće odgovara: 'Nedostojan sam uspoređivati se sa svetima; no vrlo je sigurno postupno težiti prema savršenstvu. Što sprečava poduzeti neuobičajeno ako Bog ima moć pružiti pomoć? Često se događa da siromah krene putem moćnog i bogatog gospodara i slijedi ga. I ako gospodar dođe u prenoćište prije, uživa ukusnija jela i počiva na mekom krevetu, siromah također, iako kasno, dolazi u isto prenoćište i sudjeluje u hrani koju je gospodar ostavio. Da nije krenuo putem gospodara, morao bi odustati od gospodareva prenoćišta i bi uživao u gospodarevoj hrani. Zato sad kažem da iako sam nedostojan uspoređivati se sa svetima, ipak ću krenuti njihovim putem iza njih da barem mogu sudjelovati u njihovim zaslugama. Dvije su naime stvari koje me u duhu uznemiruju: prva, da će, ostanem li u svojoj domovini, nada mnom vladati oholost. Ljubav prema roditeljima kojima sam zadužen pomoći tlači moju dušu; obilje čeljadi i odjeće su mi tegobni, zato me raduje i pogodnije mi je sići sa sjedišta oholosti i hodočašćem poniziti tijelo nego ostati u stanju časti gomilati grijehe na grijehe. Druga, uznemiruje me siromaštvo i vika naroda koji za svoju pomoć zahtijeva moju prisutnost. Zato mi je potreban dobar savjet.' Zlo nadahnuće i đavlovo došaptavanje odgovaraju: 'Hodočašće je znak nepostojane naravi, milosrđe je nasuprot tome Bogu prijatnije od svake žrtve. Ukoliko odeš iz svoje domovine, pohlepni ljudi će čuti o tebi i opljačkati te i zarobiti. Onda ćeš umjesto slobode imate zarobljeništvo, siromaštvo za bogatstvo, sramotu za čast, nemir umjesto mira.' Dobar duh odgovara pomoću svojeg nadahnuća: 'Čuo sam o jednom zarobljeniku smještenom u kulu koji je našao veći užitak u zarobljeništvu i tami nego ikada prije u obilju i vremenitoj radosti. Ako se Bogu dakle sviđa kušati me nevoljama, služit će mi na veću zaslugu; jer On je nježan da nas tješi i brzo spreman pomoći osobito ako svoju domovinu napustim zbog svojih grijeha i da si zaslužim božansku ljubav.' Zlo nadahnuće i đavlovo došaptavanje odgovara dalje: 'Kako ako bi bio nedostojan božanske utjehe i ne bi mogao podnijeti poniznost i siromaštvo? Onda ćeš požaliti što si se predao strogosti. Onda ćeš umjesto prstena na ruci imati u ruci štap, na glavi krpu umjesto krune, odvratnu vreću umjesto purpurne odjeće.' Dobar duh naprotiv kaže: 'Čuo sam kako je sveta Elizabeta, kćer jednog ugarskog kralja, iako nježno odgojena i plemenito udana podnijela veliko siromaštvo i prijezir. U siromaštvu je od Boga primila veću utjehu i veću krunu nego da je ostala u svoj časti svijeta i njegovih radosti.' Na to zlo nadahnuće odgovara i govori: 'Što ćeš učiniti ako te Bog preda u ruke ljudi i tijelo ti bude ozlijeđeno? Hoćeš li moći podnijeti sram? Ne ćeš li se neutješno žaliti zbog svoje tvrdoglavosti i neće li se cijeli tvoj rod sramotiti i tugovati? Onda će se kod tebe zaista podići nestrpljivost i u srcu ustati nezahvalnost prema Bogu. Onda ćeš htjeti da ti dani dođu kraju. I kad te sva usta budu klevetala, hoćeš li se smjeti pokazati?' Na to opet odgovara dobra misao: 'Iz jednog sam pisma čuo kako je blažena Lucija kad je dovedena u javnu kuću govorila postojano u vjeri i uzdajući se u Božju dobrotu: koliko god mi tijelo bilo obeščašćeno, neću ništa manje ostati djevica i moja će se kruna udvostručiti. Kad je Bog vidio njezinu vjeru, ostavio ju je netaknutom. Zato kažem: Bog, koji nikoga neće kušati iznad njegovih snaga, čuvat će moj duh, moju vjeru i moju volju. Jer potpuno sam mu se predao; neka na meni bude Njegova volja.' Budući da ovu ženu uznemiruju ovakve misli, opominjem je trima stvarima. Prvo neka si u pamćenje dozove na koju je čast izabrana; drugo, kakvu joj je ljubav Bog iskazao u njezinu braku; treće, uz kako je mnogo dobrote očuvana u ovoj smrtnosti. Nasuprot tome trostruko je upozoravam: prvo, da će Bogu morati položiti račun za sva vremenita dobra sve do posljednjeg novčića i kako je on zarađen i potrošen; drugo, da je njezino vrijeme vrlo kratko i da ne zna unaprijed kad će umrijeti; treće, da Bog gospodaricu štedi jednako malo kao i sluškinju. Zato joj savjetujem tri stvari: prvo, da osjeti kajanje zbog počinjenog, plodonosno popravi što je ispovjedila i voli Boga svim srcem; drugo, savjetujem joj da na razuman način izbjegne kaznu čistilišta; jer kao što onaj koji Boga ne voli svim srcem zaslužuje veliku kaznu, tako je onaj koji ne ispravlja svoje grijehe vrijedan čistilišta; treće, preporučujem da napusti tjelesne prijatelje na neko vrijeme radi Boga i da kako bi izbjegla kaznu čistilišta ode na mjesto odakle od smrti do neba vodi kraći put gdje će primiti oprost koji je uzdizanje i otkupljenje duša i koji su dali sveti pape i Božji sveti zaradili svojom krvlju.“ Peto poglavlje Riječi svetog Petra o želji da spasi narode koju je imao. Kako podučava zaručnicu da postigne pamćenje i o velikim čudima koja se još moraju dogoditi i ispuniti u gradu Rimu. Blaženi Petar je govorio Kristovoj zaručnici: „Ti si me, moja kćeri, usporedila s plugom koji povlači brazde i čupa korijenje. To je zaista istina; jer bio sam tako vatren protiv poroka da kad bih bio mogao cijeli svijet obratiti Bogu, svakako ne bih bio štedio života ni posla. Bog mi je bio sladak u mislima, sladak u govoru i sladak u djelima i to tako veoma da su mi sve misli, osim onih na Boga, bile gorke. No i Bog mi je bio gorak, ne zbog Njega, već zbog mene; jer kad god sam mislio o tome kako sam se ogriješio i kako sam ga zatajio, gorko sam plakao jer sam već razumio ljubiti savršeno i moje suze su mi bile ukusne kao slatko jelo. Ako me moliš da ti dadem pamćenje, odgovaram ti: Nisi li čula kako zaboravljiv sam bio? Savršeno podučen o Božjem putu obvezao sam se zakletvom stajati uz Boga i umrijeti; no riječima upitan od jedne žene, zatajio sam istinu, a zašto? Jer me Bog prepustio meni samome, a ja se nisam poznavao. I što sam onda učinio? Onda sam zaista razmotrio kako sam po sebi ništa i uzdigao sam se i pohitao prema istini Boga koji mi je u srce utisnuo takvo sjećanje svoga imena da ga nisam mogao zaboraviti niti pred tiranima, niti pod bičevima, niti u smrti. Zato i ti učini tako. Uzdigni se poniznošću do učitelja pamćenja i od njega traži pamćenje. On je naime jedini koji može sve. Ja ću ti pak pomoći da sudjeluješ u sjemenu koje sam posijao na zemlji. Dalje ti kažem da je ovaj grad Rim bio grad ratnika. Njegove ulice su bile popločene zlatom i srebrom. No sad su se njegovi safiri pretvorili u blato, njegovih je stanovnika vrlo malo; njima je iščupano desno oko i odsječena desna ruka. Kod njih žive krastače i zmije; pred njihovim otrovom se pitome životinje ne usude pokazati, niti moje ribe podići glavu. Zato će sad u njemu biti skupljene ribe te će, iako ne tako mnoge kao nekad, ipak biti jednako slatke i odvažne da će se njihovom suradnjom krastače, zmije i žabe pretvoriti u janjad, a lavovi će biti kao golubovi na njihovim prozorima.“ Dalje je dodao: „Kažem ti dalje kao što će ti još reći u tvojim danima: živio Petrov namjesnik! I ti ćeš ga vidjeti svojim očima; prokopat ću brijeg užitaka i oni koji sjede na njemu će sići. Oni koji nisu voljni sići, bit će prisiljeni protiv očekivanja svih. Jer Bog želi biti uzvišen s milosrđem i istinom.“ Šesto poglavlje Vrlo lijepo pripovijedanje blaženog Pavla kako ga je Bog pozvao po molitvi blaženog Stjepana i kako je od vuka postao janje i kako je dobro moliti za sve. Blaženi Pavao je razgovarao s Kristovom zaručnicom i reče: „Ti si me, kćeri moja, usporedila s lavom koji je odrastao među vukovima i otrgnut im je na čudesan način. Zaista, kćeri, bio sam grabežljivi vuk kojeg je Bog učinio janjetom i to zbog iz dva razloga: prvo, zbog njegove velike ljubavi koja iz nedostojnih čini svoje posude i iz grešnika svoje prijatelje.; drugo, zbog molitava blaženog prvomučenika Stjepana. Želim ti pokazati kojeg sam mišljenja bio onda kad je sveti Stjepan bio kamenovan i zašto sam zaslužio njegovu molitvu. Zaista se nisam radovao niti uživao u muci blaženog Stjepana niti sam bio zavidan zbog njegove slave; pa ipak sam želio da umre jer sam prema svojem mišljenju shvatio da nema istinsku vjeru. Kad sam opazio da je preko mjere gorljiv i strpljiv u podnošenju svojih patnji, bilo mi je žao što je nevjernik dok je on zapravo bio vrlo vjeran , a ja nasuprot tome potpuno slijep i nevjeran; imao sam sažaljenje prema njemu i molio sam iz sveg srca da mu njegova gorka muka priskrbi slavu i krunu. Zato mi je njegova molitva bila na spas tako da sam njome bio oduzet mnogim vukovima i postao sam nježno janje. Zato je dobro moliti za sve; jer molitva pravednika koristi onima koji su bliže i spremniji primiti milost. No sad se žalim što je među učiteljima svoga naroda tako rječit čovjek koji je se među onima koji su ga kamenovali držao tako strpljivo tako jako zaboravljen i zanemaren od srca mnogih, no uglavnom od onih koji su zaduženi za njegovo slavljenje; oni mu donose razbijene, prazne, blatne i odvratne posude; zato će oni, kao što stoji pisano, biti ispunjeni dvostrukim sramom i sramotom i bit će izbačeni iz kuća uživanja.“ Sedmo poglavlje Čudesno i neobično viđenje jedne duše koja treba biti suđena; o đavlovim optužbama i zagovoru slavne Djevice. tumačenju ovog viđenja u kojem palača označava nebo, sunce Krista, žena Djevicu, Etiopljanin đavla, ratnik anđela i u kojem se opisuju dva mjesta mučenja iz kojih nije moguć spas i tri mjesta iz kojih je spas moguć; i o još mnogom drugome čudesnom, naime o pomoći. Jednoj osobi koja je bdjela u molitvi u duhovnom viđenju se pojavila slika jedne palače neizmjerne veličine. U njoj su bili bezbrojni odjeveni u bijele sjajne odore od kojih se činilo da svaki ima vlastitu stolicu. U toj je palači stajalo sudište na kojem je za vidjeli bio oblik kao sunce i sjaj koji je izlazio od sunca bio je neizmjeran u duljini, dubini i širini. Kraj stolice je stajala djevica s dragocjenom krunom na glavi. Svi su služili suncu koje je sjedilo na stolici i slavili su ga u himnama i pjesmama. Potom se pojavio Etiopljanin strašna izgleda i po svojim pokretima kao ispunjen zavišću i velikim gnjevom koji reče i vikne: „O, pravedni suče, dosudi mi ovu dušu i čuj njezina djela budući da ima još malo vremena za živjeti. Dopusti mi također da tijelo kaznim zajedno s dušom sve dok se ne odvoje jedno od drugog.“ Nakon ovih riječi mi se činilo kao da pred stolicom stoji netko kao naoružan ratnik, pristojan i mudar u riječima i skroman u svojim kretnjama; on reče: „O, suče, gledaj, ovdje su njegova dobra djela koja je ostvario sve do ovog sata.“ I odmah je od sunca koje je sjedilo na stolici izašao glas koji reče: „Ovdje je porok veći od vrline, ali pravednost ne podnosi da porok bude povezan s najvišom vrlinom.“ Etiopljanin odgovori: „Zato je pravednost da ova duša bude povezana sa mnom. Ako u njoj ima opakosti, u meni je sva opakost.“ Ratnik odgovori: „Božje milosrđe prati svakog čovjeka sve do smrti i sve do zadnjeg trenutka, a nakon toga slijedi sud, ali kod čovjeka o kojem govorimo su tijelo i duša još povezani i razum je još u njemu.“ Etiopljanin odvrati: „Pismo, koje ne može lagati, govori: ljubi Boga iznad svega, a svoga bližnjega kao sebe samoga. Gledaj sad kako su sva djela ove duše ostvarena iz straha, ne iz ljubavi kao što joj je bila dužnost i svi njezini grijesi koje je ispovjedila su, kao što ćeš naći, ispovjeđeni samo s neznatnim kajanjem; zato je zaslužila pakao jer je prokockala nebo; svi njezini grijesi su ovdje kod božanske pravednosti vidljivi jer još nikad nije iz božanske ljubavi osjetila kajanje za njih.“ Ratnik odgovori: „U njemu je ipak bila vjera i nada da će prije smrti primiti istinsko kajanje.“ Njemu odvrati Etiopljanin: „Sad si iznio sve dobro što je učinio i poznaješ sve riječi i misli za spas njegove duše. No sve to, što god to bilo, ne može se usporediti s kajanjem iz božanske ljubavi, svetom vjerom i jakom nadom i ne može iskorijeniti grijehe; jer od vječnosti je u Bogu pravednost da nijedan grešnik koji nema savršeno pokajanje ne smije pristupiti nebu. I zato je nemoguće da Bog sudi protiv od vječnosti unaprijed znane uredbe i ona duša mora biti osuđena na pakao i sa mnom biti povezana za vječnu kaznu.“ Na te je riječi ratnik šutio i nije odgovorio na njegov govor. Potom su se pojavili bezbrojni zli duhovi slični iskrama koje su iskočile iz svjetleće vatre. Ovi su vikali jednim glasom i govorili onome koji je kao sunce sjedio na stolici: „Znamo da si ti jedan Bog u tri osobe; ti si bio bez početka i bez kraja si i nema Boga osim tebe. Ti sam si zaista ljubav s kojom su povezani milosrđe i pravednost. Ti si od početka bio u sebi i na tebi se ništa nije smanjilo niti promijenilo kao što dolikuje Bogu. Osim tebe nema ničega i bez tebe je ništa što ima radost. Zato tvoja ljubav anđele nije stvorila iz ničega drugog doli iz moći tvoga božanstva kako je tvoje milosrđe nalagalo. Ali nakon što smo iznutra planuli od oholosti i zavisti i pohlepe, onda nas je tvoja ljubav koja voli pravednost bacila iz neba s vatrom naže zlobe u nepojmljiv i mračni ponor koji se sad zove pakao. Tako je tvoja ljubav učinila onda; ni sad se ne može odvojiti od suda tvoje pravednosti bilo da se izvrši prema milosrđu ili pravednosti. Kažemo još više; da je ona osoba koju voliš najviše, naime Djevica koja te rodila i koja nikad nije sagriješila, bila počinila smrtni grijeh i umrla bez božanskog kajanja, ti tako veoma voliš pravednost da njezina duša nikad ne bi postigla nebo, već bi bila kod nas u paklu. Zašto nam onda, suče, ne dosudiš nama da je kaznimo prema njezinim djelima?“ Potom se čuo kao zvuk trublje; koji su je čuli, šutjeli su i odmah progovori jedan glas i reče: „Šutite i poslušajte svi vi anđeli, duše i đavoli što govori Majka Božja!“ I uskoro se pred sudištem pojavi Djevica ogrnuta prostranim naboranim plaštem. Ona reče: „O, vi neprijatelji, progonite milosrđe i nikakvom ljubavlju ne volite pravednost. Ako je ovdje i vidljiv manjak dobrih djela zbog kojeg ova duša ne može postići nebo, pogledajte što imam pod svojim plaštem.“ Nakon što je Djevica otkrila dvije bore svoga plašta, u jednoj se pojavila mala crkva u kojoj su bili vidljivi poneki redovnici; u drugoj bori su se pokazale žene, muškarci, svećenici i Božji prijatelji i drugi koji su svi jednim glasom vikali i govorili: „Smiluj se, milosrdni Gospodine!“ Onda je bila tišina i Djevica je govorila i reče: „Pismo kaže da tko ima savršenu vjeru, može u svijetu premještati brda. Što dakle mogu glasovi onih koji su imali vjeru i služili Bogu vatrenom ljubavlju? I što mogu oni Božji prijatelji koje je ova duša pozivala za njihov zagovor da bude oslobođena pakla i može postići nebo, koja također za svoja dobra djela nije tražila nikakvu drugu plaću osim nebeskog? Ne mogu li njihove suze i molitve učiniti da bude potaknuta i prosvijetljena da prije svoje smrti primi božansko kajanje i žalost zajedno s ljubavlju? Osim toga želim dodati svoju molitvu zajedno s molitvama svetih koji su u nebu i koje je ova duša posebno častila.“ Djevica je dalje dodala i rekla: „O, vi đavoli, sučevom vlasti vam zapovijedam da obratite pažnju na ono što ćete sada vidjeti u pravednosti.“ Potom se iz sunca čuo glas koji reče: „Radi molitava mojih prijatelja će ovaj čovjek prije svoje smrti postići toliko božansko kajanje da neće doći u pakao, već će biti čišćen s onima koji će u čistilištu imati težu muku. Nakon što se duša pročisti, u nebu će primiti plaću s onima koji su na zemlji imali vjeru i nadu s malom ljubavi.“ Nakon ovih riječi su đavoli pobjegli. Potom se zaručnici činilo kao da je otvoreno strašno i mračno mjesto unutar kojeg se pokazala vatrena peć i njezina vatra je bila zapaljena za đavole i žive duše. Nad tom peći se pojavila ona duša čija presuda čija se osuda ranije čula. Njezine noge su bile vezane za peć i stajala je uspravno kao osoba; ali nije stajala ni na najvišem ni na najdubljem mjestu, već kao na strani peći čiji je oblik bio čudesan, ali strašan. Izgledalo je kao da se vatra peći provlači prema gore ispod nogu duše kao kad se voda kroz cijevi penje prema gore; silno se zbijala i uzdizala toliko daleko iznad glave da su pore bile kao žile kojima teče goruća vatra. Uši su se činile kao mjehovi talilaca i njihovo stalno puhanje je pokretalo mozak. Oči su se pokazale okrenute i utonule i činile su se pričvršćene iznutra na zatiljku. I usta su stajala otvorena i jezik je bio izvučen kroz nosnice i visio je na usnice. Zubi su bili kao željezni čavli pričvršćeni kroz nepce. Ruke su bile tako duge da su dosezale do stopala. Obje šake su se činile kao da drže i gnječe mast koja je gorjela kao smola. Činilo se da koža koja se vidjela iznad duše ima oblik krzna iznad tijela i bila je kao lanena haljina zamrljana spermom. Ta je haljina bila tako hladna da svatko tko ju je vidio počeo drhtati i iz nje je teklo kao gnoj iz gnojnog čira s pokvarenom krvlju i tako lošim smradom da se ne može usporediti nijednim tako lošem mirisu na svijetu. Nakon što se vidjela ta muka, čuo se glas iz one duše prije koji je pet puta vikao pod suzama i iz svih snaga. Prvo je vikala: „Jao meni što sam Boga zbog njegove savršenosti i za dane mi milosti tako malo volio!“ Drugo: „Jao meni što se nisam bojao Božje pravednosti kao što sam trebao!“ Treće: „Jao meni što sam volio radost svoga tijela i svoje grešne duše!“ Četvrto: „Jao meni zbog bogatstva svijeta i moje oholosti!“ Peto: „Jao meni što sam vas, Luj i Ivana, ikada vidio!“ i potom mi jedan anđeo reče: „Objasnit ću ti ovo viđenje. Palača koju si vidjela poredba neba. Mnoštvo onih koji su odjeveni bijelim i sjajnim odorama i sjedili su anđeli i duše svetih. Sunce predstavlja Krista u njegovu božanstvu; žena predstavlja Djevicu koja je rodila Boga; Etiopljanin đavla koji optužuje dušu; ratnik anđela koji priopćuje dobra djela duše. Peć predstavlja pakao koji je iznutra tako užaren da kad bi svijet sa svim što je u njemu gorio, ne bi bio sličan velikom žaru u toj peći. U toj se peći čuju različiti glasovi koji svi govore protiv Boga i svi njihovi povici počinju s jao i na sličan način završavaju; a duše se pojavljuju kao osobe čiji se udovi rastežu na neutješan način i koje nikad nemaju mir. Znaj da i vatra koja ti se pojavila u peći gori u vječnoj tami, ali duše koje tamo gore nemaju sve jednaku muku. Tama koja se pokazala oko peći se zove limb i dolazi iz tame koja je u peći, ipak, oboje su jedno mjesto i jedan pakao; svatko tko tamo dođe nikad neće primiti stan kod Boga. Iznad te tame je najveća muka čistilišta koju duše mogu podnositi. S one strane ovog mjesta su druga mjesta gdje je muka manja i sastoji se samo od manjka snage, ljepote i sličnoga kao što ću pojasniti kroz usporedbu. To je kao da je netko bio bolestan i kad bolest i muka prestanu, on nema snage sve dok je opet postupno ne zadobije. Treće mjesto je iznad i tu nema druge muke osim čežnje da se dođe Bogu. I da mogla bolje razumjeti, reći ću ti kroz usporedbu: to je kao da je ruda pomiješana i gori sa zlatom u vrlo vrućoj vatri i mora se tako dugo pročišćavati dok se ruda ne razori i ne ostane čisto zlato. Što je jače i deblje, to jača mora biti vatra sve dok zlato nije kao tekuća voda i potpuno goreće. Nakon toga majstor zlato odnosi na drugo mjesto gdje prima najbolji oblik da se može vidjeti i dohvatiti; zatim ga polaže na treće mjesto gdje se čuva i dostavlja vlasniku. Tako je i na duhovan način. Na prvom mjestu iznad tame je najveća muka čistilišta gdje si vidjela kako se spomenuta duša čisti. Ovdje muče đavoli; tu se pojavljuju obličja otrovnih crva i divljih životinja; tu je vrućina i hladnoća, tama i zbunjenost koje proizlaze iz muke koja je u paklu. Ovdje neke duše imaju manje muke, druge veće, već prema tome je su li grijesi bili popravljani u vremenu kad je duša još bila u tijelu ili nisu. Potom majstor, to jest Božja pravednost, odnosi zlato, to jest duše, na druga mjesta gdje nije ništa drugo doli manjak snage. Ovdje duše prebivaju tako dugo dok po svojim posebnim prijateljima ili po neprekidnim djelima svete Crkve ne postignu okrjepu. Jer što veću pomoć duša ima po prijateljima, to brže ozdravlja i biva oslobođena iz tog mjesta. Potom se duša odvodi na treće mjesto gdje ne vlada nikakva druga muka doli čežnje za dospijećem u Božju prisutnost i njegovo blaženo gledanje. Na ovom mjestu prebivaju mnogi i to vrlo dugo osim onih koji su dok su živjeli u svijetu imali savršenu čežnju doći u prisutnost i gledanje Boga. Znaj i da mnogi u svijetu umru tako pravedni i nedužni da odmah dospiju u prisutnost i gledanju Boga. Neki su svojim dobrim djelima opet tako ispravili svoje grijehe da njihova duša ne osjeća nikakvu muku. No malo je onih koji ne dođu na mjesto gdje vlada čežnja doći k Bogu. Zato sve duše koje prebivaju na ta tri mjesta sudjeluju u molitvi svete Crkve i dobrim djelima koja se događaju na svijetu, posebno onima koja su sami ostvarivale dok su živjele i onima koja nakon njihove smrti čine njihovi prijatelji. Znaj i da kao što su grijesi mnogoliki i raznoliki, tako su i muke mnogostruke i različite. Kao što se dakle gladan raduje hrani koja mu dolazi u usta, žedan piću, žalostan radosti, gol odjeći, bolestan kad ga se dovede u krevet, tako se duše raduju i sudjeluju u dobru koje se za njih čini na svijetu.“ Anđeo je k tome još dodao: „Blažen onaj koji u svijetu dušama pomaže molitvama, dobrim djelima i fizičkim radom jer ne može lagati Božja pravednost koja kaže da duše nakon smrti moraju bilo očišćene kaznom čistilišta ili oslobođene brže dobrim djelima prijatelja.“ Potom su se čule mnoge duše iz čistilišta koje su govorile: „O, Gospodine Isuse Kriste, pravedni suče, pošalji svoju ljubav onima koji imaju duhovnu vlast u svijetu, onda ćemo bolje nego sad sudjelovati u njihovim čitanjima, pjevanju, žrtvama.“ Iznad prostora iz kojeg su se čuli ovi pozivi pokazala se kuća u kojoj su se dali čuti mnogi glasi koji su govorili: „Neka Bog nagradi one koji nam šalju pomoć u našim nemoćima.“ U toj je kući kako se činilo izlazila zora, pod zorom se pojavio oblak koji nije imao ništa od svjetlosti zore; iz njega je izlazio jak glas koji je reče: „O, Gospodine Bože, svojom nepojmljivom moći stostruko nagradi sve one u svijetu koji nas dobrim djelima podižu u svjetlo Tvoga božanstva i gledanje Tvoga lica.“ Osmo poglavlje Anđelove riječi zaručnici o velikoj muci jedne duše. Anđeo je dalje govorio i reče: „Ona duša čije stanje si vidjela i čula sud je u velikoj muci vatre zbog svoje nesigurnosti hoće li nakon čišćenja doći u mir ili biti prokleta. I to je Božja pravednost jer je ova imala znanje i veliku moć razlučivanja, ali ih je koristila za svjetovni dobitak i korist tijela, a ne na duhovan način za dušu budući da je veoma zaboravila i zanemarivala Boga dok je živjela. Zato sad ova duša trpi vrućinu vatre i drhti od hladnoće. Slijepa je od tame i bojažljiva prema pogledima zlih duhova, gluha od đavolove vike, iznutra gladuje i žeđa, a izvana je pokrivena sramotom; no Bog joj je ipak dao milost nakon smrti da ne podnosi mučenje đavola jer je samo radi Božje časti oprostila svojim neprijateljima njihove teške uvrede i sa svojim najgorim neprijateljima je sklopila prijateljstvo. Znaj i da sve dobro što je učinila i što je obećala i dala od valjano stečenog bogatstva, a osobito molitve Božjih prijatelja smanjuju i olakšavaju njezinu muku kao što je i određeno u Božjoj pravednosti. Druga dobra koja su stečena manje valjano i koja je darovala koriste na duhovan ili tjelesan način onima koji su ih prije s pravom posjedovali ako su ih prema Božjoj odluci vrijedni.“ Deveto poglavlje Anđelove riječi zaručnici o sudu Božje pravednosti protiv gore spomenute duše i o zadovoljštini koju se u ovom životu treba učiniti dok je ona u čistilištu. Anđeo reče dalje: „Čula si prije kako je onaj čovjek zbog molitava Božjih prijatelja kratko prije svoje smrti postigao kajanje iz ljubavi prema Bogu za svoje grijehe i kako ga je to kajanje odvojilo od pakla. Zato je nakon smrti Božja pravednost dosudila da u čistilištu mora gorjeti kroz šest životnih dobi koje je imao od časa kad je prvi put svjesno počinio smrtni grijeh sve do onda kad iz ljubavi prema Bogu na plodan način nije izvršio pokoru ukoliko ranije ne primi pomoć od svijeta i Božjih prijatelja. Prva dob je bila što Boga nije volio zbog smrti njegova plemenita tijela i zbog višestrukih odvratnosti koje Krist sam nije izdržao ni zbog kojeg drugog razloga doli zbog spasa duša. Druga je dob bila što nije volio svoju vlastitu dušu kao što bi kršćanin trebao činiti, niti je Bogu zahvalio na svojem krštenju, niti na tome što nije Židov ili poganin. Treća dob je bila što je dobro znao što je Bog zapovjedio da se čini, a imao je malo volje da to ostvari. Četvrta dob je bila što je znao što je Bog zabranio onima koji žele ići u nebo, ali je drsko postupao protiv toga tako što nije slijedio grižnju savjesti, već svoje tjelesne sklonosti i želje svoga tijela. Peta dob je bila što nikad nije koristio milost i ispovijed kao što mu je priličilo budući da je imao tako mnogo vremena za to. Šesta dob je bila što je malo mario za tijelo Kristovo budući da ga nije htio primati često jer se nije htio suzdržati grijeha, niti je imao ljubavi primiti tijelo Kristovo prije kraja svoga života.“ Nakon toga se pojavio čovjek vrlo skromne pojave čija je haljina bila bijela i sjajna kao alba svećenika; bio je opasan lanenim pojasom i imao je crvenu štolom oko vrata i pod rukama i počeo je govoriti: „Ti, koja ovo vidiš, pazi, motri i povjeri u svojem pamćenju što vidiš i što ti se kaže. Vi zaista koji živite u svijetu ne možete razumjeti Božju moć kao mi koji smo uz njega jer što se kod Boga dogodi u trenutku, to se kod vas može shvatiti samo riječima i kroz usporedbe na svjetovan način. Ja sam jedan od onih koje je ovaj na čistilište osuđeni čovjek za vrijeme svoga života častio poklonima. Zato mi je Bog iz svoje milosti objavio da kad bi netko učinio prema mojim riječima, duša ovog čovjeka bi mogla biti prenesena na više mjesto gdje bi primila svoj pravi oblik i ne bi osjećala nikakvu drugu muku doli one koju bi trpio onaj koji leži nakon preboljene teške bolesti bez boli i bez snage, ali se raduje budući da sigurno zna da će dospjeti životu. Zato kao što si čula da je njegova duša pet puta vikala jao, kazujem ti pet tješenja. Prvi jao je bio da je Gospodina malo volio. Da bi ga se oslobodio, za njegovu dušu se mora prinijeti trideset kaleža u kojima se žrtvuje Božja krv i Bog sam treba biti više čašćen. Drugi jao je bio da se Boga nije bojao; zato da bi ga se toga oslobodilo, treba se odabrati trideset prema sudu ljudi pobožnih svećenika od kojih svaki treba čitati trideset misa kad može, devet za mučenike, devet za ispovjednike i devet za sve svete, dvadeset i osmu za anđele, dvadeset i devetu za svetu Mariju i tridesetu za Sveto Trojstvo. I svi trebaju pobožno moliti za njegovu dušu da bi se njegov gnjev ublažio i njegova pravednost izmijenila na milosrđe. Treći jao je bio za njegovu oholost i pohlepu. Da bi se to uklonilo, treba uzeti trideset siromaha, njihove noge ponizno oprati, pružiti im hranu, novac i odjeću tako da se utješe. Svaki od njih koji pere i koji je pran treba ponizno moliti Boga da radi svog poniženja i svoje gorke muke oprosti grijehe njezine pohlepe i oholosti. Četvrti jao je bio za bludnost njegova tijela. Ako dakle netko da jednu djevicu i jednu udovicu u samostan, a jednu djevojku u istinski brak i da im toliko od svojih dobara da od toga imaju hrane i odjeće, Bog će oprostiti tjelesne grijehe ove duše jer to su tri stanja koja je Bog odabrao i zapovjedio da budu zadržana na svijetu. Peti jao je vrijedio za mnoge grijehe koje je počinio drugima na štetu; svim je snagama radio na tome da osigura brak ono dvoje spomenutih ranije koji su bili blisko krvno vezani kao da su iz iste obitelji. Tu je vezu tjerao više radi samoga sebe nego kraljevstva, bez traženja papine dozvole i protiv hvalevrijedna naloga svete Crkve. Mnogi su postali mučenici tako što nisu podnosili da se tako nešto počini protiv Boga i svete Crkve i kršćanskih običaja. Ako netko želi ispraviti takve grijehe, neka ide papi i kaže: 'Netko', bez da imenuje osobu, 'je počinio takav grijeh, ali se na kraju pokajao i primio odrješenje bez da je popravio grijeh. Odredite mi zato pokoru koju želite i koju mogu izdržati; jer spreman sam za njega popraviti ovaj grijeh.' Zaista, ako mu se ne odredi veća pokora od jednog jedinog očenaša, služilo bi smanjenju muke ove duše u čistilištu. Deseto poglavlje Kristove žalbe zaručnici na Rimljane i o okrutnoj presudi koju će im Krist dosuditi ako umru u svojim grijesima. Sin Božji je govorio slijedeće riječi i reče: „O, Rime, vraćaš mi zlom za moja mnoga dobra djela. Ja sam Bog koji je sve stvorio i objavio svoju veliku ljubav vrlo bolnom smrću svoga tijela koju sam vlastitom voljom pretrpio za spasenje duša. Tri su puta kojima sam htio doći do tebe, ali ti si me na zaista na svima htio zatajiti. Na prvom si nad mojom glavom objesio veliki kamen koji me trebao zatući; na drugom si stavio oštro koplje koji me trebalo spriječiti da dođem k tebi; na trećem putu si mi iskopao jamu da bih se nakon što neočekivano padnem ugušio. Ovo što sad kažem ne smije se shvatiti na tjelesan, već na duhovan način i to što kažem se tiče onih stanovnika grada Rima koji tako čine, ali ne mojih prijatelja koji ne slijede njihova djela. Prvi put kojim sam navikao dolaziti k ljudskim srcima je istinski strah Božji nad koji čovjek stavlja veliki kamen da visi, to jest veliku drskost tvrdog srca; ne boji se suca kojem se nitko ne može oduprijeti, već ovako govori u svojem srcu: 'Dođe li k meni strah Božji, drskost moga srca će ga zdrobiti.' Drugi put kojim dolazim je ulijevanje Božjeg savjeta koje također vrlo često dolazi u propovijedima i učenjima. Na tom putu čovjek stavlja koplje protiv mene kad radosno griješi protiv mojih zapovijedi i namjerava čvrsto ustrajati u svojem zlu sve dok ga više ne može činiti. To je zaista ono koplje koje ne dopušta da mu dođe Božja milost. Treći put je prosvjetljenje Duha Svetoga u srcu svakog čovjeka pomoću kojeg čovjek može prepoznati i rasuđivati što i kako veliko sam za njega učinio i kako sam veoma patio. Na tom mi putu kopa duboku jamu tako što u svojem srcu govori: 'Sve što mi se sviđa mi je draže od njegove ljubavi; jer imam već dosta ako mislim na ono što me u ovom životu raduje.' I tako on u dubokoj jami guši Božju ljubav zajedno s mojim djelima. Zaista, stanovnici grada Rima mi čine sve to i pokazuju mi to riječima i djelima. Ni za što se ne obaziru na moje riječi i djela i proklinju mene, moju majku i moje svete kako zaozbiljno tako i u šali, kako u radosti tako i u gnjevu i daju porugu umjesto zahvala. Ne žive prema kršćanskim običajima kao što sveta Crkva propisuje jer prema meni nemaju veću ljubav od đavola koji radije cijelu vječnost nose svoju bijedu i zadržavaju njezinu zlobu nego da me gledaju i budu sa mnom u vječnoj slavi. Oni su zaista ti koji ne žele primiti moje tijelo koje je na oltaru posvećeno iz kruha kao što sam odredio i čije primanje najviše pomaže protiv đavolskih kušnji. O, kako bijedni su oni koji dok su zdravi takvu pomoć ispljuvavaju i gnušaju je se jer se ne žele suzdržati od svojih grijeha. Zato ću im u moći svoga božanstva doći drugim, njima nepoznatim putem i izvršiti osvetu na prezirateljima moga čovještva. I kao što su mi na putovima pripremili tri prepreke da im ne bih mogao pristupiti, tako ću i ja njima pripremiti tri druge čiju će gorčinu osjetiti i kušati živi i mrtvi. Moj kamen je iznenadna i neočekivana smrt koja će ih zdrobiti tako da sve što imaju za svoje radosti ostane ovdje, a njihove duše će biti prisiljene doći pred moj sud. Moje koplje je moja pravednost koja će ih udaljiti od mene tako da nikad neće kušati moju dobrotu, iako sam ih otkupio i nikad neće vidjeti moju ljepotu, iako sam ih stvorio. Moja jama je mračna tmina pakla u koju će upasti da bi tu živjeli u vječnoj bijedi. Svi moji anđeli u nebu i svi moji sveti će ih osuditi, a zli duhovi i sve duše u paklu će ih proklinjati. Mislim na one i govorim o onima koji imaju gore spomenuta svojstva bilo da su svećenici, sekularni kler, laici ili žene ili njihovi sinovi i kćeri koji su dospjeli do starosti kad prepoznaju kako Bog zabranjuje sve grijehe, ali se ipak upuštaju u grijehe, dobrovoljno se isključuju iz Božje ljubavi i malo cijene njegov strah. Ipak, još uvijek imam istu volju koju sam imao kad sam visio na križu jer sam isti koji sam bio onda kad sam razbojniku koji je molio za milosrđe oprostio sve grijehe i otvorio vrata neba. Drugom razbojniku koji me prezreo otvorio sam zasune pakla u kojem će za svoje grijehe vječno biti mučen.“ Jedanaesto poglavlje Riječi svete Agneze slavnoj djevici koje je hvale i blagoslivljaju i kako djevicu moli za kćer. O slatkom i vrlo utješnom odgovoru Gospodina i djevice zaručnici i kako je ovaj svijet predstavljen loncem. Agneza reče: „O, Marijo, majko i djevice svih djevica, ti s pravom možeš biti nazvana zorom koju je Krist, pravo sunce, osvijetlio. Nazivam li te zorom zbog tvoga kraljevskog podrijetla ili zbog tvoga bogatstva ili tvoje časti? Nikako, već si zorom nazvana s pravom zbog svoje poniznosti, svjetla tvoje vjere i posebnog zavjeta čistoće. Ti si navijestila i donijela istinsko sunce, ti si radost pravednih, trepet đavola, utjeha grešnika. Zato te molim poradi vjenčanja koje je Bog u ono vrijeme održao s tobom da tvoja kćer može ustrajati u čašćenju i ljubavi tvoga Sina.“ Majka odgovori: „Kako shvaćaš to vjenčanje? Reci radi one koja ovdje sluša.“ Agneza odgovori: „Ti si zaista oboje, majka i djevica. Najljepše vjenčanje je izvršeno onog časa kad se Bog bez mješavine i smanjenja svoga božanstva sjedinio s čovjekom. Djevičanstvo i majčinstvo su u tebi povezani bez oštećenja djevičanskog stida i istovremeno si postala majka i kćer svoga stvoritelja jer si danas u vremenu rodila onoga koji je vječno rođen od Oca sve stvari učinio s Ocem. Duh Sveti je bio u tebi i izvan tebe i oko tebe i s tobom i oplodio te kad si Božjem glasniku dala pristanak. I sam je Sin Božji, kojeg si danas rodila, bio u tebi prije nego što je navjestitelj došao k tebi; zato imaj milosti na svojoj kćeri. Jer jednaka je onoj siromašnoj ženi koja živeći u dolini nije imala ništa osim malo živinčadi, naime jednu kokoš ili gusku, ali je gospodaru koji je živio na brijegu doline bila tako veoma predana da je sve što je imala od živinčadi iz ljubavi dala gospodaru na brijegu. Gospodar odgovori toj ženi: 'Imam obilje svih stvari i ne trebam tvoje; ali možda daješ malo da bi primila veće.' Na to će žena: 'Ne dajem ti to zato što ti je potrebno, već zato što si meni tako maloj ženi dopustio da stanujem na tvom brijegu i što me tvoje sluge poštuju. Zato ti nudim ovo malo da bi se uvjerio da bih ti donijela veće kad bih mogla i da se ne bih činila nezahvalnom prema tvojoj milosti.' Gospodar odgovori: 'Budući da me voliš takvom ljubavlju, podignut ću te na svoj brijeg i dati godišnje tebi i tvojima odjeću i hranu.' Jednako je i s tvojom kćeri; sve što je imala od živinčadi, to jest ljubav prema svijetu i svojoj djeci je napustila za tebe; zato tvojoj ljubavi pripada da se brine za nju.“ Majka odgovori Sinovoj zaručnici i reče: „Kćeri, budi čvrsta. Molit ću svog Sina koji će ti dati godišnju hranu i dati ti mjesto na brijegu gdje ga poslužuju tisuće tisuća anđela; jer kad bi se izbrojalo sve ljude koji su rođeni od Adama pa sve do zadnjega koji će biti rođen na zemlji, došlo bi više od deset anđela na jednoga. Svijet nije ništa drugo doli lonac. Vatra ispod lonca i pepeo su prijatelji svijeta; no Božji prijatelji su jednaki najboljem jelu u loncu. Kad stol bude spreman, gospodaru će se poslužiti ukusno jelo i ono će ga obradovati, a lonac će se razbiti, ali se vatra neće ugasiti.“ Dvanaesto poglavlje Riječi djevičanske majke kćeri o preokretima Božjih prijatelja u svijetu čas po duhovnim nevoljama, čas po utjehama. Što je duhovna nevolja i kako se Božji prijatelji trebaju vremenito radovati i tješiti. Majka reče: „U ovom svijetu Božji prijatelji se ponekad moraju naći u duhovnoj nevolji, a drugi put u duhovnoj utjesi. Duhovna utjeha dolazi od ulijevanja Duha Svetoga, razmatranja velikih Božjih djela, divljenja njegovoj strpljivosti i iz radosnog ispunjenja Božje volje. Duhovna nevolja se događa kad dušu protiv volje uznemiruju nečiste i mrske misli, kad osjeća strah kod obeščašćivanja Boga i kod propasti duša, kad je duh s razumnim razlogom prisiljen uplesti se u vremenite brige. Tako i Božji prijatelji ponekad mogu vremenitom utjehom primiti tješenje, primjerice okrjepljujućim riječima, pristojnom igrom i drugim djelima u kojima nema ničeg vrijednog prijekora i nečasnog kao što ćeš moći prepoznati u jednom primjeru. Ako se naime šaka pesnica uvijek drži zatvorenom, ili će se živci stegnuti, ili će ruka oslabiti. Tako je i u duhovnom. Kad bi duh stalno bio zahvaćen zanosom, zaboravio bi sam sebe i potonuo u oholosti tako da bi kruna njegove slave morala biti smanjena. Zato su ponekad Božji prijatelji tješeni ulijevanjem Duha Svetoga, ponekad pak uz Božje dopuštenje kušani nevoljama jer se nevoljama uništavaju korijeni grijeha, a plodovi pravednosti tjeraju korijenje. Ali Bog koji vidi srca i razumije sve stvari ograničava kušnje svojih prijatelja tako da im koriste jer sve čini i dopušta u pravednoj mjeri i težini. Budući da si odabrana da imaš duh Božji, ne uznemiruj se zbog Božje strpljivosti; jer pisano je da Bogu ne dolazi nitko koga Otac nije privukao. Ako pastir kitom cvijeća privlači i mami ovce u kuću i nakon toga kuću brižno zatvara, ovce, iako u njezinim prostorima mogu trčati ovamo i onamo, nemaju izlaz jer kuću čuvaju zidovi, a krov je visok i vrata zatvorena. Zato se ovce navikavaju jesti sijeno sve dok ne postanu pitome i jedu sijeno iz ruke pastira. Tako se dogodilo i s tobom; jer što ti se prije činilo teškim i nepodnošljivim, sad ti je postalo toliko lako da te ništa ne razveseljava kao Bog.“ Trinaesto poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici o tome koje su suze Bogu prihvatljive, a koje nisu i od čega treba dati milostinju za duše preminulih i o Kristovom savjetu i uvjeravanju zaručnice. Sin reče: „Čudiš se zašto ne čujem one koje vidiš da prolijevaju mnoge suze i siromasima daju mnogo na moju čast. Odgovaram ti na prvo: ako se spajaju dva izvora od kojih je jedan čist, a drugi mutan i prljav, mutni izvor će zaprljati vodu čistog i tko će moći piti tu vodu? Tako je i sa suzama mnogih ljudi; kod jednih dolaze ponekad iz poniženja prirodnih sklonosti, ponekad od nevolja svijeta i iz straha od pakla; takve suze su prljave i smrdljive jer ne proizlaze iz Božje ljubavi. Za mene su slatke suze koje proizlaze iz razmatranja Božjih dobročinstava, iz razmatranja vlastitih grijeha i iz ljubavi prema Bogu. Takve suze uzdižu dušu od zemaljskog do neba i daju ljudima da se opet rode vječnom životu. Postoji dvostruko rađanje, tjelesno i duhovno. Tjelesno rađa čovjeka iz nečistoće u nečistoću, oplakuje tjelesnu štetu i radosno nosi napor svijeta. Sin takva rođenja nije sin suza jer se takvim suzama ne zaslužuje vječni život, duhovno rođenje stvara sina suza jer oplakuje kvarenje duše i brine se da sin ne vrijeđa Boga. Takva jedna majka je bliže sinu od one koja rađa tjelesno jer se takvim rađanjem duši stječe blaženi život. Što se tiče drugoga da daje siromasima milostinju odgovaram ti: Ako svojem sinu kupiš plašt od novca tvoga sluge, ne pripada li s pravom plašt onome koji posjeduje novac? Naravno da mu pripada! Tako je i na duhovan način; jer tko opterećuje svoje podčinjene ili bližnje da bi pomoću njihova novca pomogao dušama svojim dragih, više me tjera na gnjev nego što me ublažava i što je nepravedno oduzeto će pomoći onima koji to prethodno pravedno posjedovali, a ne onima za koje je dano. Ipak, onome koji ti je učinio dobro moraš opet učiniti dobro, kako na duhovan, tako i na tjelesan način; na duhovan način tako da Bogu upraviš molitve za njega jer nitko ne može vjerovati kako se Bogu veoma sviđaju molitve poniznih kao što ću ti pokazati na primjeru. Kad je netko jednom kralju htio ponuditi mnogo srebra, prisutni bi rekli: to je velik poklon. No kad bi za kralja izmolio jedan očenaš, bio bi ismijan. Kod Boga je upravo suprotno. Jer kad netko za dušu drugoga da jedan očenaš, to je Bogu draže od mnogo zlata. To se moglo vidjeti kod onog dobrog Grgura koji je svojom molitvom sam podigao poganskog cara na višu razinu. Drugo, reci mu slijedeće riječi: 'Budući da si mi iskazao dobro, molim Boga, nagraditelja svih, da Ti naplati po svojoj milosti.' Dalje mu reci ovako: 'Moj dragi, jedno ti savjetujem, za jedno te molim. Savjetujem ti da otvoriš oči svoga srca tako da razmatraš nepostojanost i taštinu svijeta, razmišljaj iznova kako se Božja ljubav veoma ohladila u tvome srcu i kako će teška biti kazna i strašan budući sud; zato probudi Božju ljubav u svome srcu tako da sve svoje vrijeme, djela, sklonosti i misli urediš na Božju čast. Također predaj svoju djecu Božjem udesu i određenju bez da zbog njih smanjiš Božju ljubav. Drugo, molim te da svojim molitvama nastojiš postići da ti Bog, koji može sve, daruje strpljivost i ispuni tvoje srce svojom blaženom ljubavlju.'“ Četrnaesto poglavlje Tješeće Kristove riječi zaručnici dok je bila u strahu da se ne boji onoga što je vidjela i čula jer je od Duha Svetoga. I kako je đavao simboliziran zmijom i lavom, utjeha Duha Svetoga jezikom i kako se treba oduprijeti đavlu. Sin reče: „Zašto se bojiš i brineš o tome da đavao miješa nešto u riječi Duha Svetoga? Je si li čula da je netko sačuvao jezik ako ga je stavio između zubi razjarenog lava? Ili je li netko sisao slatki med iz zmijina repa? Nikako! Tko je drugi lav, tko zmija doli đavao? Lav zbog pakosti, zmija zbog svoje lukavštine. A tko je drugi jezik doli utjeha Duha Svetoga? Što drugo predstavlja staviti jezik između lavljih zubi doli radi ljudske naklonosti i hvale zloporabiti riječi Duha Svetoga koji se pojavio u obliku jezika. Tko govori Božju hvalu radi dopadanja ljudima, zaista je prevaren od đavla jer one riječi, iako su Božje, nisu proizašle iz usta Božje ljubavi, a jezik, to jest utjeha Duha Svetoga će mu se oduzeti. Tko ne želi ništa osim Boga i kojemu je sve svjetovno mučno, čije tijelo ne traži vidjeti niti čuti ništa osim onoga što je Božje i čija duša se raduje u ulijevanju Duha Svetoga, taj ne može biti prevaren jer zao duh uzmiče pred dobrim duhom i ne usuđuje mu se približiti. Što drugo znači sisati med iz zmijina repa doli nadati se utjesi Duha Svetoga iz đavlovih nadahnuća što se ne može dogoditi jer bi se đavao prije dao ubiti tisuću puta nego da duši da riječ utjehe kad joj se život naginje kraju? Zato ne boj se! Jer Bog koji je započeo dobro u tebi će ga dovršiti s dobrim ciljem. Ali znaj da je đavao kao pas pušten s uzice koji kad vidi da ti Duh Sveti nije uliven, trči za tobom svojim kušnjama i savjetima. No staviš li protiv njega nešto čvrsto tako da ga zubi bole ili postanu tupi, brzo će uzmaknuti od tebe i neće ti naštetiti. Što je drugo to čvrsto što treba staviti protiv đavla doli božanska ljubav i poslušnost prema Božjim zapovijedima? Ugleda li ih đavao na tebi savršenima, njegovi zubi, to jest njegovi pothvati i njegova volja postaju neučinkoviti jer uzima u obzir da si radije sklon podnijeti sve neugodnosti nego djelovati protiv Božjih zapovijedi.“ Petnaesto poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici o tome zašto dobri na ovom svijetu podnose muke, a zli imaju sreće i kako Bog kroz primjer tumači kako ponekad obećava vremenito, a misli se na duhovno i zašto Bog nije pretkazao svaki događaj sve do određenog sata, iako su mu poznati svi sati i trenuci. Sin Božji reče: „Čudiš se dok čuješ da Božji prijatelj koji treba biti čašćen podnosi muke, a Božji neprijatelj za kojeg vjeruješ da treba biti bičevan je čašćen. Odgovaram ti: moje se riječi moraju razumjeti na duhovan i tjelesni način. Jer što je drugo muka svijeta doli priprema i podizanje na krunu? A što je drugo sreća svijeta za čovjeka koji zloporabi milosti doli spuštanje u propast? Imati dakle muke u svijetu je istinsko uzdizanje na život; imati sreću u svijetu je za nepravedna čovjeka istinsko spuštanje u pakao. Da bi se tvoju strpljivost podučilo u Božjim riječima, kazat ću ti primjer. Bila jedna majka koja je imala dva sina; jedan je bio rođen u mračnoj tamnici i nije znao o ničemu drugome doli o tami i mlijeku svoje majke; drugi pak je rođen u maloj kućici i ima ljudsku hranu, mir u krevetu i služi mu sluškinja. Onome koji je rođen u tamnici majka reče: 'O, sine moj, kad bi htio izići iz tmine, imao bi ukusniju hranu, ljudsku hranu, mekše prebivalište i sigurno mjesto.' Kad je sin to čuo, izišao je. Da je majka obećava više, na primjer trkaće konje, kuće od bjelokosti ili brojnu poslugu, ne bi to vjerovao jer nije poznavao ništa osim tame i majčina mlijeka. Zato povremeno i Bog obećava neznatno da bi se pod tim razumjelo više da bi čovjek mogao naučiti si pod vremenitim predstaviti nebesko. Drugom pak sinu majka reče: 'O, sine moj, što ti koristi živjeti u ovoj lošoj kućici? Poslušaj zato moj savjet koji će ti biti od koristi. Znam dva grada. Stanovnici jednoga žive u beskrajnoj, neizrecivoj radosti i u častima bez kraja. U drugom se održavaju vježbe ratnika i svi koji se bore, postaju kraljevi, a svi koji su poraženi, pobjeđuju.' Kad je sin to čuo, izišao je na mjesto borbe, vratio se natrag i rekao majci: 'Na borilištu sam vidio čudesnu igru. Neki su bili oboreni i gaženi nogama, drugi su bili razodjeveni i ubijeni, ali svi su šutjeli, svi su se borili i nitko nije dizao glavu ili ruku protiv onih koji su ga obarali.' Majka mu odvrati: 'Grad koji si vidio nije ništa drugo doli predgrađe grada slave. U tom predgrađu Gospodin želi kušati one koji bi mogli ući u grad slave. One koji su se u borbi posebno istakli, u slavi će okruniti više. Kad si vidio da su oboreni bili razodjeveni, bičevani i da su šutjeli, to je bilo zato jer je naša odjeća bila zaprljana tamom naše kućice i jer je potrebna velika borba i rad da bi postala čista.' Sin odgovori: 'Ali teško je dati se gaziti nogama i šutjeti i smatram boljim vratiti se u kućicu.' Majka mu odgovori i reče: 'Ako ostaneš u ovoj kućici, iz naše će tame i našeg smrada nastati crvi i zmije od čijeg slušanja će se tvoje uši zgroziti, čiji ugriz će smrznuti svu tvoju snagu tako da ćeš radije htjeti da se nisi rodio nego da si u društvu s njima.' Prema ovome što je čuo od svoje majke koja je pod tjelesnim dobrom smatrala duhovno, mladić je postao odvažniji i revnije je težio ka kruni. Tako čini i Bog. Jer ponekad obećava i daje vremenito, ponekad obećava tjelesno pri čemu misli na duhovno da bi duh po primljenim milostima bio potaknut na revnost i po duhovnom razumu bio ponižen da ne bi bio ponosan sam na sebe kao što je Bog učinio s Izraelom. Jer prvo im je obećao i dao vremenito i izveo je nad njima čuda da bi po njima mogli biti odgojeni za nevidljivo i duhovno. Kad je potom u njihovu razumu spoznaja Boga postala veća, Bog je s prorocima razgovarao mračnim i teško razumljivim riječima pri čemu je umiješao nešto utješnog i radosnog, naime kad je narodu obećao povratak u svoju domovinu, stalni mir i obnovu svega čemu je prijetilo rušenje. Iako je tjelesni narod sva ta obećanja shvaćao i htio da se ispune tjelesno, Bog je prije znao i uredio da se nešto ispuni na tjelesni, drugo na duhovan način. Sad bi mogla pitati: zašto je Bog kojem su poznati svi sati i trenuci nije sve pojedino prorekao jasno i na pojedine sate ili zašto je rekao jedno, a mislio drugo? Odgovaram ti: Izrael je bio tjelesan i htio je samo tjelesno i nevidljivo je mogao shvatiti samo pomoću vidljivoga. Zato se svidjelo Bogu odgajati svoj narod na više načina da bi oni koji su vjerovali obećanjima zbog svoje vjere mogli biti okrunjeni više, da bi koji napreduju u dobru postali to više gorljiviji, da bi prestupnici mogli prestati griješiti bez straha, da bi oni kušani mukama to strpljivije nosili svoju patnju, da bi oni koji rade mogli radosnije ustrajati i da bi oni koji očekuju mogli pomoću mračnog obećanja biti okrunjeni to više; jer da je Bog tjelesnima obećao samo duhovno, svi bi bili mlačni u ljubavi nebeskih stvari. Da je pak obećao samo tjelesno, koja bi se razlika onda našla između ljudi i stoke? No da bi čovjek kao jedan od onih koji treba umrijeti gospodario svojim tijelom u pravednosti, ljubazni i mudri Bog mu je dao tjelesno; da bi pak želio nebesko, pokazao mu je nebeska dobročinstva i čuda; da bi se bojao griješiti, pokazao mu je strašne sudove, također i napade koje uzrokuju zli anđeli i da bi on, koji rasvjetljuje tamu obećanja i dodjeljuje mudrost, mogao biti očekivan i željen, pomiješalo se mračno i dvojbeno s utješnim. Zato i danas Bog tjelesnim usporedbama pokazuje duhovna značenja i kad govori o tjelesnoj časti, misli na duhovnu tako da bi se samo Bogu pripisalo sve prvenstvo podučavanja; jer što je drugo čast svijeta doli vjetar i teret i smanjenje Božje utjehe? Što je pak drugo nevolja doli priprema vrlina? Nije li dakle ako se pravedniku obeća čast svijeta to pljačka duhovnog dobitka? A što je drugo obećati nevolje svijeta doli lijek i protuotrov protiv velike slabosti? Zato se, kćeri moja, Božje riječi mogu višestruko razumjeti bez da se pritom misli na bilo kakvu promjenjivost u Bogu, već da se divi i boji njegove mudrosti. Jer kao što sam prorocima mnoge stvari rekao na tjelesan način koje su se i ostvarile na tjelesan način, tako sam rekao i mnogo toga na tjelesan način što se ispunilo ili razumjelo na duhovan način. Tako činim i sada i kad se to dogodi, reći ću ti razlog.“ Šesnaesto poglavlje Djevičine riječi kćeri kako đavao često lukavo pod odorom pobožnosti vodi i neke od Božjih slugu da bi ih uznemiravao. Kojima se daju oprosti i kako i kako je uređenje Crkve prikazano guskom, a Bog kokoši. Tko je dostojan biti nazvan Božjim pilićem. Majka je razgovarala s Kristovom zaručnicom: „Zašto ste primili ovog čovjeka čiji jezik govori velike riječi, ali čiji je život nepoznat, čiji su običaji svjetovni?“ Ona odgovori i reče: „Jer ga se smatralo pobožnim i nisam htjela upasti u nevolje što sam prezrela čovjeka poznata po govoru. No da sam prije znala da se ne sviđa Bogu, ne bih ga primila kao ni zmiju.“ Na to će joj Majka: „Ta tvoja dobra volja je čuvala njegov jezik i njegovo srce i držala u ogradi da vas ne bi uznemiravao i stvarao vam brige, ali lukavi đavao vam je doveo vuka u janjećoj koži kako bi našao prigodu da vam priredi nevolju i navede vas na brbljanje.“ Ona odgovori: „Nama se čini kao da je pobožan i pokajnički i kao da posjećuje svete i rekao je da se želi suzdržati od grijeha.“ Majka odgovori: „Tamo gdje je guska s perjem, reci mi jede li se meso ili se jede perje? Nije li perje ogavno želucu dok meso hrani i jača? Tako je na duhovan način uređenje i pravilo svete Crkve. Ona je kao guska gdje je tijelo Kristovo predstavlja svježe meso, sakramenti unutarnje dijelove guske, a krila vrline i djela mučenika i ispovjednika. Paperje predstavlja ljubav i strpljivost svetih, a krilna perja oprost koji su sveti muževi dopustili i zaslužili. Svatko dakle tko dođe k oprostu s namjerom da se oslobodi krivnje za svoje ranije grijehe, ali pritom želi ustrajati u ranijim poročnim navikama, on doduše ima krilno perje guske, ali duša se njima niti ne hrani, niti jača, već dok se oduzmu, služe za odbaciti. Tko pak u stavu prema oprostu odbacuje grijeh, vraća nepravedno stečeno, nepravedno ozlijeđenom daje zadovoljštinu, ne stiče nijedan jedini novčić sa sramotnom dobiti, niti jedan dan ne želi živjeti prema drugome nego Božjoj volji, podvrgava se njegovoj volji u nesreći i sreći, bježi od sreće svijeta i njegova prijateljstva, takav će postići oproštenje grijeha i pred licem Božjim biti sličan Božjem anđelu.“ Ona odgovori: „O, Majko Milosrđa, moli za onoga da može naći milost pred očima tvoga Sina.“ Majka odgovori: „Duh Sveti ga posjećuje, ali nešto kao kamen leži pred njegovim srcem i sprječava ulazak Božje milosti. Jer Bog je kao kokoš koja toplo drži svoja jaja iz kojih trebaju postati živi mladi. Sva jaja koja leže pod kokoši primaju njezinu toplinu, dok drugo što se nalazi u blizini ne. Majka također ni ne razbija ljusku jajeta u kojem je mlado, već se mlado samo trudi probiti je kljunom. Kad majka to vidi, pripremi piliću toplo mjesto gdje može opstati. Tako Bog sve posjećuje svojom milošću. Oni koji misle i govore: 'Želimo se suzdržati od grijeha koliko god možemo, stremiti prema savršenstvu.', Duh Sveti posjećuje češće da bi to mogli savršenije; oni pak koji svu svoju volju podlože Bogu i ne žele učiniti niti najmanje protiv Božje ljubavi, već slijede one koje vide da teže prema savršenijem i pokoravaju se savjetu poniznih ljudi i mudro se odupiru pokretima svoga tijela, njih Bog kao kokoš prima pod sebe tako što im svaki jaram čini lakim i tješi ih u njihovim teškim situacijama. Oni naprotiv koji slijede svoju vlastitu volju i misle da je ono malo dobra što čine vrijedno plaće pred Bogom i koji ne streme za većim savršenstvom, već ustraju na onome što obraduje srce i svoju slabost opravdavaju primjerom drugih i svoju krivnju pokvarenošću drugih pokušavaju učiniti lakšom, takvi neće postati Božji pilići jer nemaju volju razbiti tvrdoću i taštinu svoga srca, već bi, kad bi mogli, radije željeli živjeti dulje kako bi mogli dugo ustrajati u grijehu. Tako nisu činili dobri Zakej niti Magdalena, već su Bogu, jer su ga vrijeđali u svi svojim udovima, dali sve svoje udove da bi zadovoljili uvredu. I budući da su se bili popeli na svjetovnu čast koja im je služila na smrt, u poniznosti su sišli na svoj prezir jer je teško istovremeno voljeti Boga i svijet ako nisi kao ona životinja koja je imala oči sprijeda i straga; ipak će jedan takav koliko god pažljiv bio trpjeti nevolje. Oni pak koji su kao ovaj Zakej i Magdalena su izabrali siguran dio.“ Objašnjenje Ovaj je bio nadstojnik is Östergotlanda i došao je više iz straha nego iz ljubavi na godinu jubileja o kojoj Krist govori u Rimu: „Svatko tko je izbjegao neku opasnost treba paziti da opet ne upadne u nju; jer i pomorac u luci koji ima preveliko pouzdanje dolazi u opasnost. Zato se ovaj treba čuvati da ne stupi u prijašnje stanje svoje službe. Inače, ne bude li se čuvao, izgubit će ono što je ugodno. Skupljeno će završiti kod stranaca. Djeca neće primiti nasljedstvo i on sam neće bez boli umrijeti među strancima.“ Kad se vratio kući, opet je postao ubirač poreza i sve se dogodilo ovako. Sedamnaesto poglavlje Vrlo dobra poduka svete Agneze za kćer da živi dobro i hvalevrijedno i da se čuva zlog i protiv Boga nezahvalnog života. Ovdje su snaga i strpljivost predstavljeni jednim kolima, a četirima kotačima četiri vrline: sve radi Boga savršeno napustiti, poniznost, Boga mudro voljeti i tijelo pametno držati u ogradi. Dodano je i ponešto drugog za redovnike. Agneza je razgovarala s zaručnicom i reče: „Je si li danas vidjela oholu ženu na kolima oholosti?“ Zaručnica joj odgovori: „Vidjela sam je i uznemirila se jer se ondje hvale meso i krv, prašina i prljavština, a trebali bi se s pravom poniziti. Jer što je ta raskoš doli rasipno trošenje Božjih darova, sablazan običnog puka, rastuživanje pravednih, pustošenje siromašnih, prizivanje Božjeg gnjeva, zaboravljanje samog sebe, teška presuda za budući sud i gubitak duša?“ Agneza odvrati: „Raduj se, kćeri moja, da si tako odgojena, zato ću ti opisati kola na kojima možeš sigurno odmarati. Kola na kojima trebaš sigurno sjediti je snaga i strpljivost u nevoljama. Kad čovjek počne obuzdavati tijelo i prepuštati svu svoju volju Bogu, onda se u njegovo srce rado prikrada oholost koja čovjeka izdiže iznad njega kao da je sličan Bogu ili pravednu čovjeku ili ga napada nestrpljivost ili neskromnost tako da se ili vrati natrag svojim starim navikama ili gubi na revnosti pri čemu postaje nespretan za Božji posao. Zato treba skromnu strpljivost tako da ne uzmakne nestrpljivo niti neskromno ustraje, već se ravna prema snagama i vremenima. Prvi kotač na tim kolima je savršena volja sve napustiti radi Boga i ne željeti ništa drugo doli Boga. Jer postoje mnogi koji na kraju napuste vremenito kako bi izbjegli odvratnosti, a bez da im istovremeno nedostaje nešto za korist i uživanje. Kotač tih ljudi se ne da voditi niti okretati. Ako ih opterećuje siromaštvo, žele blagostanje, pritišće li ih nesreća, zahtijevaju sreću; kuša li ih prijezir, mrmljaju o Božjoj providnosti i teže za častima. Zabrani li im se nešto što im je protivno, traže vlastitu slobodu. Zato se Bogu sviđa volja koja niti u sreći niti u nesreći ne želi imati nešto od svojeg. Drugi kotač je poniznost pomoću koje se čovjek smatra nevrijednim svega dobroga tako što svakog sata pred očima drži svoje grijehe i pred licem Božjim se smatra krivim. Treći kotač je Boga mudro voljeti. Boga istinski mudro voli onaj koji kad se ogleda mrzi svoje pogreške, koji je zabrinut radi grijeha svoga bližnjih i rođaka, raduje se nasuprot tome njihovu duhovnu napretku Bogu, koji ne želi da mu prijatelj živi samo za svoju korist i prednost, već da služi Bogu i više se boji svog napredovanja u svijetu da ne bi mogao povrijediti Boga. Takva ljubav je mudra ukoliko se mrze poroci i kad ih se ne hrani radi naklonosti i časti i kad se najviše voli one koje se u ljubavi prema Bogu vidi najrevnijima. Četvrti kotač je mudro mrtvljenje tijela. Tko je u braku i misli ovako: 'Gledaj, tijelo me mami na neuredan način; budem li živio prema tijelu, sigurno znam da ću razgnjeviti stvoritelja tijela koji može udariti i oslabiti, koji će ubiti i suditi; zato ću radi Božje ljubavi voljno svoje tijelo držati u ogradi, živjeti na način koji pripada Bogu i uređen prema njegovoj časti. ' Tko tako misli i moli Boga za pomoć, njegov kotač će Bogu biti prijatan. Ako je netko redovnik i misli ovako: 'Gledaj, moje tijelo me mami na požudu, nude se mjesto, vrijeme i sve za njegovanje radosti, no ipak uz Božju pomoć radi mojih svetih položenih zavjeta neću griješiti zbog prolaznog radovanja jer veliko je dobro to na što sam se zavjetovao Bogu; siromašan sam ušao, želim izići još siromašniji; moram položiti račun o svemu, zato ću biti suzdržljiv kako ne bih rasrdio svoga Boga, kako ne bih dao sablazan svojem bližnjem i kako ne bih sebe činio krivokletnikom.' Takva suzdržljivost je vrijedna velike plaće. Kad je netko u častima i lagodnom životu i misli ovako: 'Gledaj, imam izobilje svih stvari, a siromasima nedostaje, a ipak svi imamo jednog Boga. Što sam ja zaslužio, a što je onaj skrivio? Što je tijelo drugo doli hrana crvima? Što su drugo tolike požude doli bolesti i uzroci oslabljenja, gubitak vremena i navođenje na grijeh? Zato želim svoje tijelo držati u ogradi tako da crvi u njemu ne bi bjesnjeli, da ne bih morao podnijeti težak sud i da ne potratim beskorisno vrijeme kajanja i ukoliko se moje razmaženo meso neće moći lako pokrenuti na otvrdnuće, postupno ću mu oduzimati ponešto od previše slatkog tako da može dobro opstati i ima potrebno, ali ne izobilje.' Tko tako misli i čini što može, on se također može zvati ispovjednikom i mučenikom jer se to može nazvati jednom vrstom mučeništva kad se ima radosti i ne slijedi ih se, kad se stoji u častima, a prezire se čast, biti velik kod ljudi, a sam o sebi smatrati najmanje, takav kotač se Bogu vrlo sviđa. Gledaj, kćeri moja, nacrtala sam ti kola čiji vozač je tvoj anđeo ukoliko ne zbaciš njegovu ogradu i jaram s tvog vrata, to jest ukoliko ne izbiješ spasonosna nadahnuća i ukoliko svoje srce i osjetila ne pustiš s uzde ispraznostima i lakrdijama. Sad ću ti izložiti i ona kola na kojima je sjedila spomenuta žena. Zaista, kola su njezina nestrpljivost, naime prema Bogu, prema bližnjima i prema samoj sebi; protiv Boga tako što njegove tajne odluke podređuje svojem sudu ako joj nisu po želji; protiv bližnjega tako što mu čini zlo jer ne može postići njegova dobra; protiv sebe je puna nestrpljivosti otkriti tajne želje svoga srca. Prvi kotač tih kola je ponos jer si daje prednost pred drugima i sudi druge, prezire ponizne i bori se za časti. Drugi kotač je neposlušnost prema Božjim zapovijedima koja u njezino srce uvodi ispriku za njezinu slabost, prijezir njezine krivnje, tamu srca i obranu zlobe. Treći kotač je požuda za svjetovnim stvarima koja kod nje proizvodi rasipanje u trošenju, zanemarivanje i zaboravljanje same sebe, strah srca pred budućnosti, mlačnost u ljubavi prema Bogu. Četvrti kotač je njezino samoljublje po kojem se isključuje iz iskazivanja časti i straha prema svom Bogu i ne obazire se na svoj kraj i sud. Vozač tih kola je đavao koji je čini radosnom i odvažnom na sve što joj pošalje u srce. Dva konja koja vuku kola su nada u dugi život i volja griješiti sve do kraja. Uzda je sram od ispovijedi. Ta uzda vodi dušu kroz nadu u dugi život i volju da se ustraje u grijehu dalje s pravog puta i tako je opterećuje grijehom da ne može ustati niti po strahu, niti sramu, niti po opomeni, nego kad misli da čvrsto stoji, tone, ukoliko Božja milost ne pomogne, u dubinu.“ Dodatak Krist je dalje govorio o istoj ženi i reče: „Ona je bjelouška koja ima jezik bludnice, u srcu zmajevu žuč, a u mesu gorak otrov. Zato će njezina jaja biti otrovna. Sretni oni koji neće iskusiti njihov teret.“ Osamnaesto poglavlje Pohvalne riječi kćeri slavnoj Djevici i ljubak Djevičin odgovor kćeri u kojem Djevica uručuje kćeri mnoge darove i mnoga druga dobra od sebe, apostola i svetih. „O, slatka Marijo“, reče zaručnica. „Blagoslovljena bila vječnim blagoslovom jer si djevica prije rođenja, djevica nakon rođenja, djevica s muža i nesumnjiva djevica kad je muž sumnjao. Budi zato blagoslovljena jer si majka i djevica, Bogu najdraža, najčišća ispred svih anđela, s apostolima najsavršenija u vjeri, najjače si kušana u boli srca, od ispovjednika najsvjetlija u suzdržljivosti, najizvrsnija u čistoći od svih djevica. Zato neka te blagoslivlja sve što je ispod i iznad jer Bog, Stvoritelj, po tebi je postao čovjekom. Po tebi pravednik nalazi milost, grešnik oproštenje, mrtvac život, prognanik povratak u svoju domovinu.“ Djevica odvrati: „Pisano je da je Petru kad je mom Sinu posvjedočio da je Sin Božji odgovoreno: 'Blažen ti, Šimune; jer ovo ti nisu otkrili tijelo i krv.' Tako i ja sad kažem: ovaj pozdrav ti nije otkrila tvoja tjelesna duša, već onaj koji je bio bez početka i bez kraja je. Zato budi ponizna, bit ću milosrdna prema tebi. Ivan Krstitelj, kao što je obećao, bit će blag; Petar će ti biti nježan, a Pavao jak kao div. Ivan će ti reći: kćeri, sjedni na koljeno; Petar nasuprot tome: o, kćeri, otvori usta i nahranit ću te hranom slatkoće; Pavao će te odjenuti i naoružati oružjem ljubavi. Ja, koja sam Majka, predstavit ću te svojem Sinu. Ipak, kćeri moja, ovo možeš shvatiti i u duhovnom smislu. Ivan, čije ime se tumači kao Božja milost, predstavlja istinsku poslušnost; jer Ivan je bio i jest sladak; sladak roditeljima zbog čudesne milosti, sladak ljudima zbog vrlo posebna propovijedanja, Bogu sladak zbog svetosti njegova života i njegove poslušnosti; jer pokoravao se u svojoj mladosti, bio je poslušan u sreći kao i u odurnostima, pokoravao se i ostao je nizak, iako je mogao biti čašćen; bio je poslušan i u smrti. Poslušnost dakle govori: sjedni na koljeno, to jest pridigni se niskome i imat ćeš visoko; napusti gorko i imat ćeš slatko; pusti vlastitu volju neka ode ako želiš biti malena; prezri zemaljsko i postat ćeš nebeska; prezri izobilje i imat duhovno izobilje. Pod Petrom se misli na vjeru svete Crkve. Kao što je Petar ostao postojan do kraja, tako će i vjera svete Crkve ostati postojana bez kraja. Petar dakle, to jest sveta vjera govori: otvori usta i primit ćeš najbolju hranu, to jest otvori razum svoje duše i u svetoj Crkvi ćeš naći najslađu hranu, to jest Gospodinovo tijelo u sakramentu oltara, stari i novi zakon, izlaganje učitelja, strpljivost mučenika, poniznost ispovjednika, čistoću djevica i temelj svih vrlina. Zato traži svetu vjeru u crkvi svetog Petra, zadrži pronađeno u sjećanju i izvrši je u svojim djelima. Pod Pavlom se nasuprot tome misli na strpljivost. On je bio revan protiv napadača svete vjere, radostan u nevoljama, postojan u nadi, strpljiv u bolestima, milosrdan prema tužnima, gostoljubiv prema siromasima, milosrdan prema grešnicima, majstor i učitelj sviju i sve do kraja ustrajan u ljubavi Božjoj. Pavao će te dakle, to jest strpljivost, opremiti oružjem vrlina jer je istinska strpljivost utemeljena i učvršćena u primjerima i strpljivosti Krista i njegovih svetih. Ona zapaljuje ljubav u srcu, potiče duh na hrabra djela, čini čovjeka poniznim, blagim, milosrdnim, revnim za nebeskim, zabrinutim za samog sebe, ustrajnim u onome što je započeo. Svakog čovjeka dakle kojeg poslušnost odgoji na koljenu poniznosti, vjera hrani hranom slatkoće, strpljivost odijeva oklopom vrlina, svakog takvog ja, Majka Milosrđa, uvodim svojem Sinu koji će ga okruniti krunom svoje slatkoće. Jer u njemu je neshvatljiva snaga, neusporediva mudrost, neizreciva hrabrost, ljubav vrijedna divljenja. Iako sad, kćeri moja, razgovaram samo s tobom, pod tobom ipak podrazumijevam sve koji djelima ljubavi slijede svetu vjeru; jer kao što se pod jednim jedinim čovjekom podrazumijeva Izraelce, tako ti predstavljaš sve istinske vjernike.“ Devetnaesto poglavlje Uzvišena hvala djevičanske ljepote Majke Božje i kako Sin Božji svoju Majku uspoređuje sa zlatarom. “O, slatka Marijo, nova ljepoto, blistava ljepoto, ti mi dođi u pomoć tako da moja ružnoća postane lijepa i da se moja ljubav zapali. Tvoja ljepota daje glavi tri prednosti. Prvo to što čisti pamćenje ulaze ljupko; drugo da se radosno zadrži što se čuje; treće da se ražarenom revnošću širi na bližnjeg. Tvoja ljepota daje tri prednosti srcu. Prvo uzima težak teret mrzovolje dok se razmatraju tvoja ljubav i poniznost; drugo, očima daje suze kad se upravi pogled prema tvojem siromaštvu i strpljivosti; treće, daje srcu unutarnji žar slatkoće ako se iskreno njeguje sjećanje tvoje ljupke dobrote. Zaista, ženo, ti si najdragocjenija ljepota, najpoželjnija ljepota jer si slabima dana kao pomoć, ožalošćenima na utjehu, svima za posrednicu. Zato svi koji su čuli da ćeš se roditi i koji znaju da si se već rodila mogu uskliknuti: 'Ti blistava ljepoto, rasvijetli našu tamu; dođi, ti najdragocjenija ljepoto i uzmi našu sramotu; dođi, najljubaznija ljepoto i ublaži našu gorčinu; dođi, najmoćnija ljepoto i oslobodi nas našeg zarobljeništva; dođi, ti najuvaženija ljepoto i ukloni našu ružnoću. Blagoslovljena i poštovana tako stvorena, tako velika ljepota koju su svi patrijarsi željeti vidjeti, o kojoj su svi patrijarsi pjevali, kojoj su se radovali svi izabrani.'“ Majka odgovori: „Blagoslovljen Bog, koji je moja ljepota i koji ti je dao takve riječi za reći. Zato ti kažem da će te najstarija, vječna i najljepša ljepota koja me napravila i stvorila jačati, najstarija i nova ljepota koja sve obnavlja i koja je bila u meni i koja izlazi iz mene podučavat će te čudesnome, najpoželjnija ljepota koja sve razveseljava i obraduje zapalit će tvoju dušu njezinom ljubavlju. Zato se uzdaj u Boga jer kad se bude pojavila nebeska ljepota, sva će zemaljska ljepota biti posramljena i smatrana gnojem.“ Potom Sin Božji reče Majci: „O, blagoslovljena Majko, ti si slična zlataru koji priprema lijepo djelo. Svi koji ga vide, raduju se i nude zlato i drago kamenje da bi djelo postiglo savršenstvo. Tako ti, ljubljena Majko, svakom koji se trudi uzdići Boga pružaš svoju pomoć i nikoga ne puštaš praznog bez svoje utjehe. Zato te se s pravom može nazvati krvlju moga srca; jer kao što su krvlju svi udovi tijela oživljavaju i jačaju, tako svako po tebi dolazi oživljava iz grijeha i postaje to plodniji za Boga.“ Dvadeseto poglavlje Poduka svete Agneze kćeri da se ne treba vraćati niti koračati naprijed više nego joj dolikuje. O načinu kojeg se treba držati prilikom i nakon početka suzdržljivosti i koja suzdržljivost je Bogu prijatna. Agneza reče: „Budi postojana, kćeri, i ne uzmiči natrag jer otrovni zmijin zub vreba tvoju petu. Ne idi niti naprijed više nego si dužna jer ispred tebe je oštrica oštrog koplja koja će te raniti budeš li išla dalje više nego je ispravno. Što je drugo koračanje unatrag doli pokajati se kod kušnje zbog uzimanja trpkog, ali spasonosnog puta, željeti se vratiti natrag starim navikama i u srcu pasti prljave misli? Kad takve stvari gode duši, zamračuju sve dobro i postupno je vuku od svega dobrog. Ne smiješ niti koračati naprijed više nego si dužna, to jest mučiti se iznad svojih snaga ili druge nasljedovati iznad svoje prirode u dobrim djelima jer je Bog od vječnosti uredio da će za djela ljubavi i poniznosti nebo biti otvoreno ako se u svim stvarima očuvala mjera i jednostavnost. No zavidni đavao nagovara nesavršena čovjeka da posti iznad svoje snage, da obećava neuobičajeno i nepodnošljivo i oponaša savršeno bez da uzme svoje snage i svoju slabost u razmatranje tako da kad se snaga smanji, čovjek ono što je loše započeo bilo nastavlja više iz srama pred ljudima nego pred Bogom, bilo to brže pada zbog svoje nerazumnosti i slabosti. Zato se moraš odmjeriti potpuno prema sebi, to jest prema svojoj slabosti ili svojoj snazi jer su neki po prirodi slabiji, drugi jače, neki po Božjoj milosti revniji, drugi po dobroj navici radosniji za djelovanje. Zato uredi svoj život prema savjetu onih koji se boje Boga da te pri tvojoj nepažnji ne rane zmija ili oštrica zatrovanog mača, to jest da nadasve otrovno đavlovo došaptavanje ne prevari tvoje srce pa da ne bi htjela biti smatrana za nešto što nisi ili željela biti nešto što premašuje tvoje snage i sposobnost. Postoje neki koji misle da po svojim zaslugama mogu postići nebo i Bog ih po svojoj tajnoj odluci pošteđuje đavlovih kušnji. Postoje i drugi koji pretpostavljaju da mogu zadovoljiti Boga za svoje grijehe dobrim djelima. Svi oni su u zabludi; jer kad bi čovjek, tko god on bio, stotinu puta ubio svoje tijelo, ne bi Bogu mogao odgovoriti niti jednim od tisuću. On je taj koji daje mogućnosti i volju; on daje vremena i zdravlje; on ispunja želje dobrih; on daje bogatstvo i slavu; on je taj koji ubija i oživljava, uzvisuje i ponižava i sve je u njegovoj ruci. Zato samo njemu treba iskazati svu čast i nikakve zasluge ljudi kod Boga ne dolaze u obzir. Na to što si se čudila onoj ženi koja je došla po oprost, ali se dala obeščastiti, odgovaram ti: neke žene žive u suzdržanosti bez da je vole, čija želja za ugođajem nije velika, čija kušnja nije žestoka, koje bi, kad bi im se ponudila časna udaja, doduše je htjele prihvatiti, ali budući da im se ne nudi ništa otmjeno, sve niže preziru. I tako povremeno iz suzdržljivosti nastaju oholost i drskost iz čijih poticaja se po Božjoj dozvoli događa da padnu kao što si već čula. No ako se jedna žena postavi tako da se ne bi htjela zamrljati nijednom i da joj se ponudi cijeli svijet, nije moguće da se takva preda sramoti. Kad bi Bog ipak pomoću svoje tajne pravednosti dopustio da jedna takva padne, to bi joj se više dogodilo radi postizanja krune nego zbog grijeha ukoliko je bilo protiv njezine volje. Zato znaj za sigurno da je Bog kao orao koji iz svoje visine gleda na najdublje. Ukoliko vidi nešto kako se diže sa zemlje, baca to kao pomoću praćke. No ugleda li nešto otvorno što mu je mrsko, udara kao strijela, curi li na njega nešto nečisto, snažno to strese i udalji sa sebe. Tako čini i Bog. Kad vidi da se srca ljudi iz slabosti tijela ili po đavlovim kušnjama protiv volje duha uzdižu protiv Boga, odmah to uništava kao praćkom pomoću nadahnuća za kajanje i patnje i čini da se čovjek povrati Bogu i samome sebi. Ako Bog vidi da je u srce ušla požuda tijela ili bogatstva, probija srce strijelom svoje ljubavi tako da se čovjek ne bi ustrajnošću u grijehu odvojio od Boga. Zamrlja li dušu nešto nečisto od oholosti ili gnoja bludnost, odbacuje to postojanošću vjere i nade da duh ne bi otvrdnuo u porocima ili da se s Bogom povezana duša ne bi zamrljala na svoju štetu. Zato, kćeri moja, promišljaj pri svim svojim nadahnućima i djelima Božju pravednost i milosrđe i uvijek se obaziri na kraj.“ Dvadeset i prvo poglavlje Riječi zaručnice Bogu o njegovoj snazi i Djevičin odgovor kćeri koji je jača. Kako dobri i Božji sluge ne trebaju prestati propovijedati i opominjati pogane bilo da se obrate ili ne što se dokazuje kroz primjer. „Blagoslovljen bio Ti, moj Bože, koji si trojedin i jedan, trostruk u osobama, a jedan u biću. Ti si dobrota i mudrost i sama ljepota i moć. Ti si pravednost i sama istina po kojoj sve jest, živi i postoji. Zaista sličiš cvijetu koji divno raste na polju i od kojeg svi koji mu se približe primaju slatkoću u okusu, olakšanje u mozgu, radovanje za oči i jačanje u preostalim udovima. Zato će svi koji Ti se približe postati ljepši po tome što će napustiti grijeh, postat će mudriji tako što slijede Tvoju volju, a ne onu tijela, postat će pravedniji tako što idu za koristi duše i Tvojom časti. Zato, o, najljubazniji Bože, daj mi da volim ono što Te raduje: muževno se oduprijeti kušnjama, prezirati sve svjetovno i postojano Te zadržati u svojem pamćenju.“ Majka odgovori: „Ovaj pozdrav ti je zaslužio onaj dobri Jeronim koji je pustio lažnu mudrost da ode i pronašao je pravu istinsku mudrost, koji je prezirao zemaljsku čast i zadobio je samog Boga. Sretan taj Jeronim, sretni oni koji slijede njegov nauk i njegov život; volio je udovice, bio je ogledalo onih koji su napredovali i učitelj cijele istine i čistoće. Ali govori, kćeri moja, što te brine u tvojem srcu?“ I ona reče: „Dolazi mi misao koja govori: 'Ako si dobra, onda je tvoja dobrota dovoljna za tebe. Što te se tiče druge upravljati i poučavati bolje? To je protiv tvoje službe i staleža.' Od te misli mi je duša tako otvrdnula da zaboravlja samu sebe i ohladnjuje u Božjoj ljubavi.“ Majka Božja odgovori: „Ta pomisao odvlači mnoge od Boga koji su već napredovali u vrlini; jer đavolja je stvar to da dobre sprječava da podukom pokreću zle na pokoru, a već dobre dovode na sve višu i višu razinu savršenstva. Tako bi onaj eneuh koji je čitao Izaiju premda s manjom kaznom stigao u pakao, ali Filip mu je došao u susret, podučio ga je kratkom putu u nebo i uzdigao ga na sretno mjesto. Tako je i Petar bio poslan Korneliju. Da je Kornelije umro prije, zbog svoje bi vjere doduše došao do okrepe, ali Petar je došao i silno ga povukao na vrata života. Na sličan je način Pavao došao Dioniziju i odveo ga je k blaženoj nagradi. Zato Božji prijatelji ne bi trebali biti oneraspoloženi u Božjoj službi, već raditi da se zao čovjek popravi, a dobar čovjek dospje na više savršenstvo. Tko bi imao volju svim prolaznicima propovijedati da je Isus Krist uistinu Sin Božji i potom stremio koliko god dobro bi mogao raditi na obraćenju drugih, ne bi primio ništa manju milost ako se nitko ili bi se samo malobrojni htjeli obratiti nego kad bi se svi obratili. Zato ti kažem kao primjer: kad bi dva najamnika po gospodarevoj naredbi prekopali vrlo tvrdo brdo i kad bi jedan našao probrano zlato, a drugi ništa, obojica bi zbog svog rada i svoje volje bili dostojni jednake plaće. Tako i Pavao koji ih je obratio više nego preostali apostoli koji su ih obratili manje. Svi su bili jedne volje, ali Božje uređenje je skriveno. Zato se ne treba popustiti ako samo malobrojni prime Božju riječ ili ako nitko to ne učini. Jer kao što trn čuva ružu i magarac nosi svog gospodara, tako i đavao po trnu grijeha pomoću nevolja koristi izabranima kao ružama da po oholosti srca propali u beskorisnu razuzdanost i kao magarac i nosi Božjoj utjesi i većoj nagradi. Dvadeset i drugo poglavlje Kako u novija vremena zloba ljudi nadmašuje đavlovu lukavost i kako su ljudi sad spremniji griješiti nego što je đavao spreman kušati. O osudi koja će se dosuditi protiv takvih. Kako Božji prijatelji trebaju muževno i hitro raditi kroz propovijedi i o ulijevanju znanja u njegove prijatelje. Sin reče: „Kad bih mogao biti uznemiren, sad bih s pravom mogao reći: kajem se što sam stvorio ljude. Čovjek je sad kao životinja koja slobodno trči u mreže, koliko god da ga se upozori, on ipak slijedi sklonost svoje volje. Ne može se potpuno pripisati đavlu da silno povlači čovjeka, već čovjek sam preduhitruje njegovu zlobu. Kao lovački psi koje se prvo vodi na uzici nakon što su naviknuti loviti i jesti životinje i u žurbi za plijenom preduhitriti samog vođu, tako je sad i čovjek koji je naviknut na grijeh i začaran od njega spremniji griješiti nego što je đavao spreman kušati. To nije nikakvo čudo jer dugo je otkad je apostolska stolica, glava svijeta, ublažavala Boga svetošću života i svojim uzorom kao što je činila u početku i zato su preostali udovi postali slabi i iscrpljeni. Također se ne razmatra zašto je bogati Bog postao potrebit i siromašan da bi se podučilo da prolazno treba prezirati, a nebesko voljeti jer budući da je po prirodi slabi čovjek postao bogat varljivim bogatstvom, postoje mnogi koji više streme samo za tim i manje onih koji ga omalovažavaju. Zato će doći orač kojeg šalje Svemogući i jača Svemudri i on ne traži zemlju i ljepotu tijela, ne plaši se snage jakih, ne boji se prijetnji knezova niti ne gleda na osobu ljudi; posijat će ljudsko meso i uništiti kuće duhova; tijela će izručiti crvima, a duše predati onima kojima su služile. Zato moji prijatelji kojima ću te poslati trebaju raditi hrabro i hitro jer ono što sam rekao neće biti u posljednjim danima, već kao što sam malo prije rekao u ovim danima. I oči mnogih koji sad žive će to vidjeti da se ispuni što je pisano: 'Njihove žene moraju postati udovice, a njihova djeca siročad' i sve što je ljudima poželjno će se oduzeti. One pak koji mi dođu u poniznosti ću ja, milosrdni Bog, primiti, onima koji su djelima ispunili plod pravednosti dat ću sama sebe jer ispravno je da se kuća u koju se kralj želi useliti očisti, da se opere čaša da bi napitak izgledao jasno, da se zrno snažno smrvi da se odvoji od klasa i da se ono što je u obliku zatvoreno čvrsto stisne sve dok ne primi sličnost oblika. Kao što ipak nakon zime dolazi ljeto, tako ću nakon nevolje dati utjehu onima naime koji žele biti maleni i koji više cijene nebesko od zemaljskog. Kako se čovjek ne rađa i umire u jedno te isto vrijeme, tako će se sad sve ispuniti u svoje vrijeme. Trebaš znati i da s nekima postupam po općoj poslovici: 'Udari mu vrat i bježat će', bol tjera na žurbu. S drugima ću postupiti kao što je pisano: 'Otvori svoja usta, želim ih napuniti.' S trećima ću razgovarati tješenjem i nadahnućem: 'Dođite vi neučeni i jednostavni, želim vam dati usta i mudrost kojima se brbljavci neće moći oduprijeti.' Tako sam već učinio u ovim danim, jednostavne sam ispunio mudrošću i odupiru se učenima; počupao sam brbljavce i moćne i odjednom su preminuli. I to nije čudo; jer mudrima sam zapovjedio da zmijama režu jezike kao što si čula i nisu htjeli. Ni majka koja je bila štap jednostavnih nije htjela ukloniti njihove jezike da bi ugasila vatru pohlepe koja se kao što sam opomenuo zapalila u srcima djece. Zato sam im u vrijeme kad su uživali u sreći odrezao njihove jezike.“ Dvadeset i treće poglavlje Riječi Ivana Evanđelista slavnoj Djevici o jednom vrlo zlobnom licemjeru i Djevičin odgovor koje su njegove karakteristike. đavlovu izrugivanju istoga i kako se po sedam znakova može prepoznati dobar, a kako zao duh. Ivan Evanđelist je razgovarao s Majkom Božjom: „Čuj, Ti, Djevice i Majko Jednog Sina, ali ne više sinova, Ti majko jedinorođenog Sina, stvoritelja i otkupitelja sviju, čuj, kažem kako je đavao veoma prevario ovog čovjeka, kako se jako trudi postići nemoguće, kako se mnoge stvari dao podučiti od duha laži i kako se vrlo daleko udaljio od Boga svojim lavljim srcem u janjećem koži. Podučavao sam da su trojica koji svjedoče na nebu i na zemlji: Otac, Sin i Duh Sveti. Ovom pak zao duh daje svjedočanstvo hinjene svetosti, ali Otac ga ne jača svojom moći, a Sin ga ne posjećuje u svojoj mudrosti; Duh Sveti ga ne zapaljuje svojoj ljubavlju. Nije ni čudo jer stremi za moći protiv moći Oca; također želi biti mudar protiv mudrosti Sina; on je zapaljen, ali potpuno drugačije nego što Duh Sveti zapaljuje. Zato moli svog Sina da ga ubrzo uzme da se ne izgubi još više njih ili da ubrzo bude ponižen zbog svojeg grijeha.“ Marija mu odgovori: „Čuj me, djevice u muškom obličju, ti si taj kojeg se Bogu svidjelo pozvati sa svijeta najlakšom smrti jednako meni koja kao da sam kod odvajanja duše i tijela zaspala i probudila se na vječnu radost. I nije čudo! Jer sam više od ostalih kod smrti moga Sina osjetila vrlo gorku bol i zato se svidjelo Bogu odvojiti me od svijeta. Ti si od apostola najviše bio u mojoj blizini i iskusio si veće znakove ljubavi od drugih i patnja moga Sina ti je postala gorka jer si bio bliži svjedok od ostalih i budući da si živio dulje od preostale braće, kao da si bio mučenik u svim njihovim smrtima; zato se Bogu svidjelo i tebe pozvati sa svijeta najlakšom smrću nakon mene jer je djevica bila povjerena djevici. Zato će se dogoditi što si molio, a nije se dogodilo. Ipak, želim svojoj kćeri pokazati kakve karakteristike ima onaj o kojem razgovaramo. On je zaista sluga kovača kovanica, to jest đavla koji tali i udara svoju kovanicu, naime onoga koju mu služi prema njegovim nadahnućima i kušnjama sve dok ga ne dovrši prema svojoj volji. Nakon što pokvari čovjekovu volju i učini naklonjenu požudi tijela i ljubavi prema svijetu, utiskuje mu odmah oblik i natpis iz kojeg se vanjskim znakovima može prepoznati koga voli svim srcem. Kad čovjek ispuni žudnju svoga srca djelima i više potone u svijet nego što njegov stalež traži, iskazat će se kao istinska đavolja kovanica. No znaj da se Božja kovanica razlikuje od đavolje. Božja kovanica je zlatna, to jest sjajna, gipka, i dragocjena. Takva je svaka duša koja nosi Božji otisak, svjetleća u Božjoj ljubavi, gipka u strpljivosti, dragocjena u nastavljanju dobrih djela. Tako se dobra duša tali Božjom snagom i kuša mnogim kušnjama kojima duša pri razmatranju svog podrijetla, svojih nedostataka i božanske ljubavi i strpljivosti Bogu postaje to dragocjenija što nađena poniznijom, strpljivijom i brižljivijom za svoj spas. Đavolja kovanica pak je kao od bakra ili olova; od bakra jer posjeduje sličnost zlatu. I ona ima čvrstoću i gipkost, no ne kao zlato. Takva je duša nepravednika; jer želi izgledati pravednom, ali sudi druge i stavlja svoje ispred svega. Neupotrebljiva je za djela poniznosti, meka u svojem činjenju, teško odvojiva od svojih pomisli, divna svijetu, ali prezrena pred Bogom. Đavolja kovanica je i olovna; jer nagrđena je, meka, savitljiva i teška. Tako je duša nepravednika nagrđena požudnim sklonostima, puna meke žudnje svijeta, kao cijev savitljiva svemu što joj đavao predaje srcu, ponekad doduše voljnija za rad nego što je đavao za kušanje. Takve su karakteristike spomenutog sluge kovača kovanica kojem je postalo mrzovoljno ustrajati u čuvanju pravila na koja se obvezao zavjetom; smislio je putove kojima bi se ljudima mogao svidjeti hinjenom svetošću da bi svoje tijelo mogao to bolje njegovati. I odmah ga je đavao prevario crnim lažima tako da je postigao vjerovati nemoguće što se neće ispuniti. Njegov će se život skratiti i neće primiti čast koju želi. Gdje se nađe nova kovanica, treba je se odmah poslati mudrom čovjeku koji ima dovoljno znanje o težini i obliku. No gdje ga pronaći? I ako ga se pronađe, malo se brine, zapravo uopće ne je li kovanica prava ili nije. Zato pod takvim uvjetima postoji samo jedan savjet koji ću ti navesti primjerom. Kad bi se psu predoči gulden, ne bi se obazirao niti ga primio; no da je jako obložen mašću, onda bi ga nedvojbeno primio. Tako je i sad. Dođe li se mudrome i kaže: 'Taj i taj je heretik', onda se na to neće obazirati jer se njegova Božja ljubav potpuno ohladila. No kaže li se: 'Ovaj ima mnoge guldene', odmah bi svi dotrčali. Zato će se ubrzo dogoditi što Pavao kaže: 'Želim uništiti i poniziti mudrost mudrih; malene pak želim uzdići.' Ipak, kćeri moja, svetog i nečistog duha možeš prepoznati po sedam znakova. Prvo, Božji duh čini da se čovjeku svijet čini neznatnim i da njegovu čast smatra za zrak; drugo, čini dušu prijatnom i ohladnjuje svu požudu tijela; treće, unosi strpljivost i da se hvali samo Bogom; četvrto, potiče srce na ljubav prema bližnjem i na samo milosrđe prema neprijateljima; peto, oduševljava na čistoću u svim stvarima, također i u dozvoljenima; šesto, izaziva pouzdanje u Boga u svim nevoljama i snagu hvaliti se njima; sedmo, poklanja želju za odlaskom i radije biti s Kristom nego u svijetu imati sreću i zaprljati se. Zli duh naprotiv ima sedam slijedećih stvari. Prvo, čini da svijet izgleda ugodnim i da nastane gađenje prema nebu; drugo, izaziva da se želi čast i zaboravi samog sebe; treće, potiče u srcu mržnju i nestrpljivost; četvrto, čini odvažnim protiv Boga i tvrdoglavim u nakanama svoje duše; peto, čini da se grijeh smatra lakim i lako ga se ispriča; šesto, unosi lakoumnost duha i svu nečistoću tijela; sedmo, upuhuje nadu u dugi život i sramotu strah od ispovijedi. Zato se brini za svoje misli da te ovaj duh ne prevari.“ Objašnjenje Ovaj je bio svećenik ciscercinskog reda koji se nakon osamnaest godina otpadništva osjetio kajanje i vratio se u samostan. Rekao je da je nemoguće da netko bude proklet i da Bog ne razgovara s nikim u ovom svijetu i da nitko ne može vidjeti lice Božje prije Božjeg suda. Kad je gospođa Brigita to čula, Duh Sveti joj reče: „Idi onom bratu i reci mu: O, brate moj, ti ne vidiš kao što ja vidim da đavao u tvojem dobu još iznutra ima tvoje srce i drži tvoj jezik vezan; Bog je vječan i vječna je njegova naplata. Okreni se zato brzo savršenim srcem opet Bogu istinskoj vjeri jer sigurno nećeš ustati iz ovog kreveta nego sigurno umrijeti. Budeš li vjerovao, bit ćeš posuda na Božju čast.“ Briznuvši u suze, zahvalio je gospođi Brigiti i popravio je svoj život tako savršeno da je u času svoje smrti dao sazvati svoju braću i rekao im je: „O, braćo moja, siguran sam da je milosrdni Bog primio moje kajanje i dao mi oproštenje. Molite za mene; jer vjerujem sve što vjeruje sveta Crkva.“ Tako je preminuo nakon što je primio Božje sakramente. Dvadeset i četvrto poglavlje Djevičine riječi kćeri o načinu kako se Božji sluge trebaju ponašati prema nestrpljivima i kako je oholost predstavljena bačvom. Majka reče: „Ako se u bačvi vino zagrije i rastući prelije, dižu se para i pjena, ponekad veći, ponekad manji i onda se odjednom smanje. Svi koji su oko bačve promatraju kako ono isparavanje opet tone i da ta ključanja potječu od snage vina i spominju njegovu vrućinu zbog čega strpljivo očekuju kraj i usavršavanje piva ili vina. Svima koji stoje oko bačve i previše približe nos vrućini bačve, patit će ili od jakog kihanja ili od velike stiske u mozgu. Tako je i na duhovan način. Ponekad se događa da se srca ljudi napuhnu od pokreta oholosti; uzmu li čestiti ljudi tu napuhanost zaozbiljno, razumiju da to potječe ili zbog prevrtljivosti duše ili pokreta tjelesnosti. Zato strpljivo podnose riječi koje dolaze iz takvog srca i čekaju kraj jer znaju da nakon oluje nastupa mir i da je strpljivost jača od onoga koji osvaja gradove jer pobjeđuje ljude u njima samima što je teško. No oni koji su previše nestrpljivi i vraćaju grube riječi i ne obaziru se na slavnu plaću strpljivosti niti kako je svjetovna čast prezirna, oni propadaju sa svojim kušnjama zbog svoje nestrpljivosti u slabost svoga srca jer previše približavaju nos parnoj bačvi, to jest riječi koje nisu ništa drugo doli zrak previše približavaju svojem srcu. Ako dakle vidite da su neki nestrpljivi, uz Božju pomoć čuvajte usta i ne dopustite da zbog riječi nestrpljivoga ode dobro koje ste započeli, već se postavite koliko je ispravno kao da ne znate što je rečeno, kao da niste čuli sve dok oni koji žele naći priliku ne kažu riječima sve što u srcu misle.“ Dvadeset i peto poglavlje Opominjuće Majčine riječi kćeri o tome kako se čovjek ne treba brinuti za požude tijela, već krijepiti tijelo po umjerenoj potrebi i kako čovjek treba stajati pored svojeg tijela, a ne u njemu. Majka reče: „Trebaš biti kao zaručnica koja stoji pred zavjesom i koja je čim zaručnik zazove spremna na zaručnikovu volju. Ta zavjesa je tijelo koje omata dušu i koje uvijek mora biti oprano, testirano i kušano jer tijelo je kao magarac koji treba umjerenu hranu da ne postane proždrljiv, jednostavan posao da ne postane ohol i stalni bič da ne postane lijen. Zato stoj kraj zavjese, to jest kraj tijela, ne u tijelu gdje se u požudama brineš za tijelo, već okrijepi tijelo umjerenim uzdržavanjem. Kraj tijela, a ne u tijelu stoji onaj koji svoje tijelo drži u ogradi protiv žudnje za hranom bez da si uskrati nužno. Stoj i iza zavjese tako da prezireš požudu tijela čineći čast Bogu i potpuno se predaš Bogu. Tako su stajali oni koji su svoju odjeću bacili kao odjeću pred Boga, koji su svakog sata bili spremni obazirati se na Božju volju kad bi se Bogu bilo svidjelo da ih pozove; jer nisu imali veliki put do onoga kojeg su uvijek imali prisutnog; također, njihov vrat nisu pritiskali nikakvi teški tereti jer su sve prezirali i u svijetu bili samo s tijelom. Zato su slobodno bez prepreka umakli u nebo jer ih nije sprječavalo ništa osim suhe, disciplinirane ljuske nakon čijeg su skidanja primili ono što su htjeli. Tako je ovaj opasno pao, ali se mudro opet digao, muževno se branio i postojano izdržao. Zato će sad biti vječno okrunjen i pred Božjim je licem.“ Dvadeset i šesto poglavlje Djevičine opominjuće riječi kćeri o tome koja kreposna djela zaslužuju vječni život, a koja ne i o vrlo velikoj zasluzi poslušnosti. „Na jednom stablu je mnogo cvjetova; ipak, ne dođu svi do ostvarenja. Tako postoje mnoga kreposna djela; ipak, ne zaslužuju sva nebesku nagradu ukoliko se ne ispune skromno. Jer post, molitva, posjet mjesta svetih su kreposna djela; no ako se ne dogode u duhu da čovjek vjeruje da će zadobiti nebo samo poniznošću i da je u svim stvarima beskoristan sluga i da u svemu treba jednostavnost, ona za vječnost koriste malo. Zamisli dva čovjeka; jedan je pod poslušnosti, a drugi ima slobodnu volju. Ako onaj koji je slobodan posti, dobit će jednostavnu plaću. No ako onaj koji je pod poslušnosti na posni dan u skladu s pravilom iz i iz poslušnosti jede meso, a radije bi postio da ga poslušnost u tome ne sprječava, primit će dvostruku plaću, jednu za poslušnost, drugu za odricanje svoje volje i strpljivosti u neispunjenju svoje želje. Zato trebaš biti kao zaručnica koja priprema bračnu sobu prije nego što zaručnik dođe; drugo, kao majka koja priprema odjeću prije nego se dijete rodi; treće, kao stablo koje prvo nosi cvijeće prije nego što dođu plodovi; četvrto, trebaš biti čista posuda koja je podobna primiti napitak prije nego se ulije.“ Dvadeset i sedmo poglavlje Djevičine riječi žalbe kćeri o jednom lažnom pobožniku kojeg uspoređuje s u tjelesnom ratu loše naoružanim ratnikom. Majka reče: „Ima jedan koji govori da sam mu draga, ali mi okreće leđa kad mi treba služiti. Razgovaram li s njim, on govori ovako: 'Što kažeš?' I odvraća svoje oko od mene i gleda ono što ga više raduje. On je naoružan na čudesan način kao muškarac koji polazi u rat, ali čiji su otvori na kacigi na stražnjem dijelu glave, čiji štit koji se treba nositi na ruci visi na ramenu, koji je odbacio svoj mač i zadržao praznu koricu, čiji plašt koji treba štiti tijelo i prsa leži pod njim na sedlu čiji je remen na konju je raskopčan. Tako je ovaj naoružan na duhovan način pred Bogom. I zato ne zna razlikovati između prijatelja i neprijatelja niti neprijatelju nanijeti štetu. Duh koji se s njim bori je kao onaj lukavac koji ovako misli: 'U borbi želim biti s posljednjima tako da mogu potražiti šikaru ako prvi izgube borbu; ukoliko pak pobijede, onda ću brzo ići naprijed da budem uračunat u prve.' Tako je onaj koji je išao u rat postupao prema tjelesnoj mudrosti, a ne iz ljubavi.“ Dvadeset i osmo poglavlje Djevičine riječi zaručnici o tri nevolje koje su označene kroz tri kruha. Majka govori: „Gdje je tijesto, ono se mora snažno mijesiti i prerađivati. Gospodaru se nudi pšenični kruh, običnom čovjeku lošiji, treći, još lošiji kruh, daje se psima. Pod miješenjem se podrazumijeva nevolja kad je duhovni čovjek najviše rastužen time što Bog nije čašćen od svojih stvorenja i da je u njima samo malena ljubav. Svi oni koji su rastuženi na ovaj način su ona pšenica kojoj se Bog i cijela nebeska vojska raduju; svi koje rastužuju svjetovne nesreće su kao lošiji kruh; ipak, mnogima koristi da postignu nebo; oni naposljetku koje rastužuje što ne mogu učiniti sve zlo koje žele su kruh pasa koji su u paklu.“ Dvadeset i deveto poglavlje Riječi Majke Marije kćeri kako izvjesni đavoli strovaljuju ljude u smrtne grijehe, drugi ih odvraćaju od dobra, drugi ih žele iskušati u suzdržljivosti i o načinu kako im se suprotstaviti. Majka reče: „Svi oni koje vidiš da stoje oko mene su vaši duhovni neprijatelji, naime duhovi đavla. Oni koji imaju palice na kojima se primjećuje uže su oni koji vas žele strmoglaviti u smrtne grijehe. One koje vidiš s kukom u rukama su oni koji vas žele zaustavljati u Božjoj službi da bi postali mlitavi za dobro. Oni pak koji imaju nazubljene alate kao vile da bi dovukli što čovjek želi su oni koji vas kušaju da na sebe preuzmete nešto dobrog preko svojih snaga poimence u bdijenju, postu, molitvi i radu ili u nerazumnoj raspodjeli vašeg novca. Budući da ti duhovi tako žude da vam naštete, čvrsto držite volju ne vrijeđati Boga i molite za Božju pomoć protiv njihove okrutnosti i onda vam njihove prijetnje neće ništa naštetiti.“ Trideseto poglavlje Djevičine riječi kćeri kako dragocjene i lijepe stvari svijeta Božjim slugama ne štete ukoliko ih koriste na Božju čast i prema Pavlovu primjeru. Pisano je: „Dobri apostol Pavao je rekao da je bio mudar čovjek pred onim vladarom koji je zarobio Petra i nazvao je Petra istinskim siromahom. I Pavao u toj stvari nije sagriješio; jer njegove riječi su bile na Božju čast. Tako je i s onima koji žele i žude navješćivati riječ Božju i ako uglednim gospodarima ne mogu ući drugačije nego da obuku doličnu odjeću, ne griješe ako je stave, a zlato, odjeću i drago kamenje ne smatraju u srcu i volji dragocjenijima od obične stare odjeće jer sve što izgleda dragocjeno je zemlja.“ Trideset i prvo poglavlje Djevičine riječi kćeri u primjeru koje dokazuju da propovjednici i Božji prijatelji neće biti manje okrunjeni pred Božjim licem ako se nakon njihove propovjedi, ukoliko je uslijedila s ispravnom namjerom, pogani nisu obratili nego da su se obratili. Majka Božja reče: „Kad netko najmi radnika tako što mu kaže: 'Nosi pijesak od obale i kod svake nošnje ispitaj možeš li zrnce zlata', njegova plaća neće biti manja ako ih je našao malo nego da ih je našao mnogo. Tako je i s onim koji iz božanske ljubavi riječju i djelom djeluje na promicanje duša; jer ako nikoga ne obrati, njegova plaća neće biti manja nego kao da je obratio mnoge. K tome je jedan učitelj naveo primjer. 'Ratnik', reče, 'koji bi na zapovijed svoga gospodara s voljom da se hrabro bori pošao u rat, ali bi se vratio ranjen bez da ima zarobljenika zbog svoje dobre volje ne bi nakon izgubljene bitke dobio manju plaću nego kao da je postigao pobjedu.' Tako je i s Božjim prijateljima. Jer za svaku riječi i djelo koje izvrše radi Boga i da bi se duše popravile i za svaki sat muke koju trpe radi Boga bit će okrunjeni bilo da su se obratili mnogi ili nitko.“ Trideset i drugo poglavlje Riječi Majke kćeri o njezinom beskrajnom milosrđu prema grešnicima i onima koji je hvale i časte. Majka reče: „Imate izraz koji kaže: 'Zbog nečeg ovakvog bih napustio domovinu.' Ja sad kažem ovako: Nitko na svijetu nije tako velik grešnik da mu, kad bi u srcu rekao da mu je moj Sin, stvoritelj i otkupitelj svih, najdraži u srcu i blizak, ne bih odmah bila spremna doći kao ljubazna majka svojem sinu koja ga grli i govori: 'Što želiš, sine moj?' Da je ovaj zavrijedio i najdublju kaznu pakla, ali pritom imao volju ne brinuti se niti za časti svijeta niti za požudu tijela koju Crkva prezire i koji ne bi želio ništa osim uzdržavanja tijela, onda bismo međusobno bili složni. I ako mi netko prinese pjesmu hvale i čašćenja ne zbog svoje hvale i nagrade, već radi hvale onoga koji je zbog svih svojih djela vrijedan svake hvale, takvome reci da kao što svjetovni vladari svojim hvaliteljima daju svjetovnu nagradu, ja ću njega nagraditi na duhovan način. Da, kao što jedan slog ima više nota, tako se Bogu sviđa onome u nebu za svaki slog koji je u pjesmi dati krune i o njemu će se govoriti: 'Gledaj, dolazi pjevač koji nije skladao pjesmu radi svjetovnog dobra, već samo radi Boga.'“ Objašnjenje Kušan sumnjom o Svetom Trojstvu, ovaj je pao u ekstazu i imao je viđenje o tri žene. Prva je rekla: „Bila sam na mnogim vjenčanjima, ali nigdje nisam vidjela trostruko i jedno“; druga odvrati: „Ako su trojica i jedan, nužno je da je jedan prije, a drugi poslije ili dvojica u jednome“, a treća doda k tome: „Nisu se mogli sami napraviti, tko ih je onda napravio?“ Potom Duh Sveti jasno reče: „Želimo doći k njemu i nastaniti se kod njega.“ I kad je opet došao k sebi, bio je slobodan od kušnje. Na to Krist reče gospođi Brigiti: „Ja sam trostruk i jedan. Želim ti pokazati što je moć Oca, mudrost Sina, snaga Duha Svetoga i da sam ja, Bog, trostruk i jedan: Otac i Sin i Duh Sveti.“ I ova je objava ostvarena tamo gdje se kaže s propovjedaonice. Dalje Krist reče: „Reci ovome da će kod mene više zavrijediti kroz bolest nego kroz zdravlje. Jer Lazar je postao slavniji po boli, a Job voljeniji po svojoj strpljivosti. Ipak, moji odabrani i nisu neprijatni ako su zdravi jer je njihovo srce uvijek kod mene. I njihovo tijelo se stalno nalazi u mudroj uzdržljivosti i bogobojaznim radnjama.“ Trideset i treće poglavlje Značajne zaručničine riječi o gradu Rimu koje govore o utjesi, pobožnosti i urednosti Rimljana kako svećenika tako i svjetovnih ljudi u ranijim vremenima i kako se sve to okrenulo u očaj, gnušanje i nepravilnost i kako je Rim tjelesno i duhovno nesretan. „Poštovani gospodine! Među ostalim obavijestima bi gospodinu papi trebalo dati na razumijevanje kako je tužno stanje grada koji je nekad duhovno i tjelesno bio sretan. No sad je tjelesno kao i duhovno nesretan; tjelesno zato jer su njegovi svjetovni vladari, koji bi morali biti njegovi branitelji, postali njegovi najokrutniji pljačkaši. Zato su njegove kuće uništene i potpuno su opustošene mnoge crkve u kojima su sadržane blažene kosti svetih koje sjaje divnim čudesnim znakovima i čije duše su u Božjem kraljevstvu okrunjene na uzvišen način. I njihovi hramovi su, nakon što su im krovovi uništeni i vrata oduzeta, pretvoreni u zahode ljudi, pasa i zvijeri. Grad je nesretan na duhovan način jer su zatrta mnoga pravila koja su sveti pape donijeli po nadahnuću Duha Svetoga na hvalu Bogu i na spas duša u Crkvi. No zato su nažalost po nadahnuću zla duha nastale mnoge zloporabe na obeščašćivanje Boga i na propast duša. Jedno pravilo svete Crkve je na primjer bilo da svećenici pođu u svete redove, vode blažen život, Bogu služe neprestano i puni pobožnosti i drugima dobrim djelima pokazuju put u nebesku domovinu. No protiv te Crkvene navike je nastala teška zloporaba tako crkvena dobra poklanjaju laicima koji budući da se nazivaju kanonicima ne uzimaju supruge, ali besramno preko danu u svojim kućama, a preko noći u svojim krevetima imaju priležnice i drsko govore: 'Nije nam dozvoljeno živjeti u braku jer smo kanonici.' I svećenici, đakoni i podđakoni su se nekad veoma gnušali sramote nečista života. No sad se neki od njih tome javno raduju što vide svoje priležnice s debelim trbusima kako hodaju s drugim ženama. Ne srame se ni kad im njihovi prijatelji kažu: 'Gledajte, gospodine, uskoro će vam se roditi sin ili kćer.' Zato bi se s boljim pravom mogli nazvati đavoljim svodnicima umjesto zaređenim svećenicima vrhovnog Boga. Sveti očevi Benedikt i ostali su s dozvolom najviših biskupa postavili pravila i izgradili samostane u kojima su opati njegovali stanovati s braćom koji su pobožno slavili noćne i danje sate i redovnike brižno podučavali u dobru životu. Zaista je bila radost posjetiti samostane kad je Bog danju i noću bio čašćen i slavljen pjesmom redovnika i kad su se po njihovu lijepu životu grešnici obraćali. I dobri su se jačali božanskom podukom duhovnih predstojnika. Da, i same duše u čistilištu su radi njihovih pobožnih molitava postigle blaženi mir. Onda je redovnik koji je najbolje čuvao svoje pravilo držan u najvišoj časti i bio je čašćen pred Bogom i ljudima. Tko se pak nije brinuo za držanje pravila, sigurno je znao da će doći u sramotu i da će dati sablazan. Onda je svatko po odjeći mogao razlikovati i prepoznati tko je redovnik. No protiv tog najvišeg pravila je kod vrlo mnogih nastala odvratna zloporaba. Opati su često u svojim dvorcima i gdje im se sviđa, unutar i izvan grada. I tako je sada posjetiti samostane nešto bolno jer malo redovnika je prisutno u koru u vrijeme sati, a ponekad nitko. Tamo se malo čita, a s vremena na vrijeme se niti ne pjeva i na mnoge se dane ne čitaju mise. Dobri se osjećaju opterećeni lošim pozivom tih redovnika, a loši njihovim lošim načinom života postaju još daleko gori. Za bojati se da samo malobrojne duše u svojim mukama postižu poneko olakšanje iz njihovih molitava. Mnogi redovnici stanuju u gradu; svaki ima kuću za sebe; i poneki od njih kad im dođu prijatelji prigrle svoju djecu i puno radosti govore: 'Gledajte, ovo je moj sin!' Sad se redovnik jedva može prepoznati po svojoj odjeći. Plašt koji je nekad doticao stopala, sad jedva može pokriti koljena. Rukavi su sad uski i ravni, dok su nekad bili pristojni i prostrani. Umjesto pisaljke i pločice za pisanje, sa strane im sad visi mač. I na njima se jedva nalazi dio odjeće po kojem se može prepoznati redovnik osim škapulara koji je često tako skriven da ga nitko ne može vidjeti kao da je sramota nositi neki redovnički dio odjeće. Neki se niti ne srame ispod suknji nositi oklop i drugo oružje da bi nakon zalaska sunca činili što im se sviđa. Prije je bilo svetih koji su se odrekli velikih bogatstava i započeli pravila sa siromaštvom, koji su prezirali svaku pohlepu i zato nisu htjeli imati nešto vlastito; gnušali su se svakog uobražavanja i raskoši svijeta, prekrivali se najbjednijom odjećom i iz svih su snaga nosili odvratnost pred požudom tijela i zato su vodili čist život. Oni i njihova braća se zato nazivaju prosjački redovnici i njihova pravila su potvrdili pape tako što su se radovali što su na čast Bogu i za najbolje dušama preuzeli takav život. No sad je nešto tužno za vidjeti kako se njihova pravila pretvaraju u odvratne zloporabe i uopće ih se ne drži kao što su Augustin, Dominik i Franjo po nadahnuću Duha Svetoga propisali i kako su ih mnogi bogati i ljudi visokih staleža slijedili na najbolji način. I sad se naravno nalaze mnogi ljudi koje se naziva bogatima, ali su usprkos dragocjenostima i novcu siromašniji od onih koji su se zavjetovali na siromaštvo od kojih mnogi posjeduju imovinu, iako im njihovo pravilo zabranjuje i više se raduju opakom vlasništvu nego svetom i slavnom siromaštvu. Hvale se također da je njihova odjeća od sukna koje je jednako skupo i dragocjeno kao ono bogatih biskupa. Dalje su po blaženom Grguru i drugim svetima izgrađeni i neki samostani za ženske osobe u kojima su zadužene na tako strogu klauzuru da se niti po danu ne mogu vidjeti. No sad oni primaju tako veliku zloporabu da su vrata bez razlike za duhovne i svjetovne ljude kojima se sestrama sviđa dati pristup otvorena čak i za vrijeme noći. Zato takva mjesta više sliče bordelima nego svetim samostanima. Bilo je pravilo Crkve i da nitko za ispovijedanje ne prima novac. Ali za pismene izrade ispovjednicima bi trebalo biti dozvoljeno primiti novac koliko je pravedno od osoba koje trebaju izdavanje pismenih potvrda. Nasuprot tome se sad događa takva zloporaba da bogate osobe nakon izvršene ispovijedi nude koliko im se sviđa. Siromašne se sili s ispovjednikom napraviti ugovor prije nego ih čuje i zaista, dok ispovjednici ustima izgovaraju odrješenje, ne srame se rukama gurati novac u kesu. Također je u Crkvi bilo određeno da se svaka osoba mora barem jednom godišnje ispovjediti i primiti tijelo Kristovo i to se tiče laika jer svećenici i redovnici čine to češće u godini. Drugi propis je bio da oni koji se ne mogu suzdržati trebaju živjeti u braku. Treće, svi kršćani trebaju postiti u korizmi, na kvatre i druga predvečerja blagdana što je skoro svima ostalo poznato; toga su slobodni bili samo oni koji su se nalazili u teškoj bolesti ili velikoj poteškoći. Četvrto pravilo je bilo da se na blagdane svatko treba suzdržati svjetovnog posla. Peto pravilo je nalagalo da nijedan kršćanin ne smije zadobiti novac ili nešto slično lihvarenjem. Protiv spomenutih pet odličnih pravila su postavili pet sramotnih i teških zloporaba koje donose štetu. Prva je u tome da na svaku osobu koja se ispovjedila i primila tijelo Kristovo, uz iznimku svećenika, redovnika i nekih žena, u Rimu umire sto osoba koje su došle do godina razuma bez da su se ikad ispovjedile ili primile tijelo Kristovo kao da su pogani. Druga zloporaba je što mnogi uzimaju zakonite supruge i kad se prestanu slagati sa ženama, napuštaju ih tako dugo koliko im se sviđa bez potrebnog dopuštenja crkvene vlasti; umjesto supruga, uzimaju preljubnice i časte ih i vole. Neki čak ni ne zaziru od toga da imaju preljubnicu u istoj kući skupa sa suprugom i raduju se kad u istoj kući istovremeno rađaju djecu. Treća zloporaba je da mnoge zdrave osobe u korizmi jedu meso i u velikoj gomili ih je malo koji se dnevno zadovolje jednim jelom. Također se nalaze neki koji se preko dana suzdržavaju od mesa i uzimaju korizmena jela, ali se noću u tajnim gostionicama site mesom. Zaista, svećenici to ponekad čine skupa s laicima i slični su Saracenima koji preko dana poste, a po noći se site mesom. Četvrta zloporaba je u tome što iako se neki radnici na blagdane suzdržavaju posla, neki bogati nasuprot tome ne čekaju da na blagdane pošalju svoje dnevne najamnike na rad u vinograde, na oranje polja, cijepanje drva u šumi da bi posljednje uskoro nosili kući i tako se siromašni na blagdane ne raduju većem miru nego na radne dane. Peta zloporaba je da kršćani vrše lihvarenje slično Židovima i kršćanski su lihvari još pohlepniji od židovskih. Dalje je jedno crkveno pravilo bilo takve ljude kakvi su dosad nabrojeni ekskomunikacijom držati u ogradi. No mnogi se više ne boje kletve i, iako znaju da su javno ekskomunicirani, ne izbjegavaju niti crkvu, niti poslovanje ni razgovor s ljudima i malo je svećenika koji onima koji se nalaze pod ekskomunikacijom odbijaju ulaz u crkvu. Malo je i onih koji zaziru od poslovanja i razgovora s ekskomuniciranima čim su s njima povezani nekom vrstom prijateljstva. Niti ekskomuniciranima se ako su bogati ne uskraćuje crkveni sprovod. Zato se ne čudite, gospodine, ako zbog tih i mnogih drugih zloporaba koje se teško protive crkvenih pravilima Rim nazivam nesretnim gradom. Zato je za bojati se da će katolička vjera propasti ako ne dođe netko tko iskrenom vjerom Boga ljubi iznad svega, a svojeg bližnjeg kao sebe i ne dokine sve zloporabe. Zato imajte samilost prema Crkvi i njezinim klerom koji Boga ljubi svim srcem i gnuša se svih zlih navika i koji kao da je papinim odsustvom ostao siročem, ali je kao vjerni sinovi branio očevo sjedište, snažno se odupirao izdajicama i ostao nepokolebljiv pod mnogim mukama.“ Trideset i četvrto poglavlje Zaručničino viđenje o različitim kaznama koje su pripremljene jednoj duši koja je još boravila u tijelu i kako bi se sve one vrste kazni trebale pretvoriti u najvišu čast i slavu kad bi se duša prije smrti obratila. Činilo mi se kao da vidim ljude koji stoje i prave užad, drugi su opremali konje, drugi pripremali kliješta, a drugi su podizali vješala. I dok sam to gledala, pojavila se djevica koja se činila žalosnom i pitala je razumijem li ovo. Nakon što sam zanijekala, odgovori: „Sve ovo što ovdje vidiš je duhovna kazna koja je pripremljena za dušu onoga koga poznaješ. Užad je određena da veže konje koji trebaju vući njegovu dušu, kliješta pak trebaju rastrgati njegov nos, uši, oči, usnice, a vješala su da ga se objesi.“ Kad sam se time zapanjila, odgovori djevica: „Ne uznemiruj se; jer još je vrijeme i on će, ako želi, moći rastrgati užad, okrenuti konje, kliješta učiniti mekima poput voska i udaljiti vješala. Uz to će moći imati tako goruću ljubav prema Bogu da će mu oni znakovi kazne služiti na najveću čast i to tako daleko da će se užad kojom je trebao biti vezan na najprezirniji način pretvoriti u zlatni pojas. Umjesto konja kojima je trebao biti povlačen ulicama, poslat će mu se anđeli koji ga trebaju odvesti pred lice Božje. Umjesto kliješta kojima je na sramotan način trebao biti rastrgan, njegovom nosu će se dati bolji miris, njegovim ustima bolji okus, njegovim očima najljepši prizor, njegovim ušima najljepša melodija.“ Objašnjenje Ovaj je bio kraljev maršal koji je došao u Rim i bio je tako ponižen i slomljen da je nepokrivene glave često prolazio postajama i molio Boga i dao moliti da mu ne dopusti da se vrati u domovinu ako bi tako vratio u prijašnje grijehe. Bog je uslišao njegov glas. Jer kad je nakon svog odlaska iz Rima došao u Montefiascone, razbolio se tamo i umro o čemu je uslijedila druga objava. „Gledaj, kćeri, što rade Božje milosrđe i dobra volja. Ona duša je bila u lavljim raljama, no njezina dobra volja ju je istrgla iz lavljih zubi i sad je na putu u svoju domovinu i sudjelovat će u svemu dobrom što se događa u Božjoj Crkvi.“ Trideset i peto poglavlje Zaručničine riječi Kristu o želji za spasenjem duša i odgovor dan u Duhu Svetom da se raspojasanost i izobilje pića i jela kod ljudi opiru posjetima Duha Svetoga koji su im poslani. „O najslađi Isuse, stvoritelju svega što je stvoreno, kad bi barem ove duše vidjele i prepoznale toplinu tvoga Duha Svetoga jer bi onda više stremile prema nebeskom i revnije se gnušale zemaljskoga.“ I uskoro mi je odgovoreno u duhu: „Njihova raspojasanost i izobilje opiru se posjetima Duha Svetoga; jer izobilje u jelu i piću i gozbama s prijateljima sprječava da im Duh Sveti bude sladak i da se zasite svjetovnim radosti. Izobilje zlata i srebra, posuđa i odjeće i prihoda sprječava da duh moje ljubavi zapali i razbukti njihovo srce. I izobilje slugu i konja i životinja su prepreka na putu približavanju Duha Svetoga; udaljuju se od svojih slugu, mojih anđela i prilaze izdajnički đavoli. Zato ne poznaju onu slatkoću i posjet pomoću kojih ja, koji sam Bog, posjećujem svete duše i svoje prijatelje.“ Trideset i šesto poglavlje Božje riječi zaručnici kako su prije pobožni ljudi išli u samostane iz straha i božanske ljubavi, ali sad Božji neprijatelji, to jest lažni vjernici izlaze u svijet zbog oholosti i pohlepe; također o ratnicima u njihovoj službi. „Čuj sad što moji neprijatelji čine protiv onoga što su prije radili moji prijatelji. Moji su prijatelji išli u samostan iz mudre bojazni i božanske ljubavi. Oni pak koji se sad nalaze u samostanima izlaze iz pohlepe i oholosti u svijet, njeguju svoju vlastitu volju i ostvaruju radosti svoga tijela. Sud onih koji umru u takvom određenju volje je da neće primiti niti postići nebesku radost, već beskrajnu kaznu u paklu. Znaj i da redovnici koji su protiv svoje volje primorani iz božanske ljubavi postati predstojnici nisu za uračunati pod taj broj. I ratnici koji su nekad nosili oružje bili su spremni žrtvovati svoj život za pravednost i radi svete vjere proliti svoju krv. Pomagali su potrebitima da dođu do pravedne i činili su da zli budu obuzdani i poniženi. Ali čuj kako su se sad preokrenuli. Sad im se više sviđa po đavlovu nadahnuću u ratu umrijeti za oholost, pohlepu i zavist nego živjeti po mojim zapovijedima da bi postigli vječnu radost. Svima koji umru u takvoj volji će biti dodijeljena plaća prema pravednosti, to jest bit će dani đavolima na vječnu povezanost s njima u plaći. Oni pak koji mi služe će imati plaću s nebeskom vojskom bez kraja.“ Trideset i sedmo poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici u kojima je pita kako svijet stoji. I o zaručničinu odgovoru naime da je kao otvorena vreća u koju svi nerazumno utrčavaju. O okrutnoj, ali pravednoj presudi protiv takvih. Sin reče: „Kako stoji svijet, moja kćeri?“ A ona odgovori: „Kao otvorena vreća je u koju svi utrčavaju i kao čovjek koji trči bez da se brine što tamo slijedi.“ Gospodin reče: „Zato se traži pravednost da svojim plugom idem oko svijeta, oko poganih i kršćana i da ne štedim niti starce, niti mladiće, niti siromašne, niti bogate, već će svaki biti suđen prema svojem pravu i svaki će umrijeti u svojem grijehu i napustit će se kuće zajedno s ukućanima, no ipak još neću učiniti kraj.“ I ona odgovori: „O, Gospodine, ne srdi se ako progovorim. Pošalji neke od svojih prijatelja koji će ih upozoriti na njihovu opasnosti i osigurati ih.“ I Gospodin reče: „Pisano je kako je bogataš u paklu s očajavanjem za svojim vlastitim spasenjem molio neka se netko pošalje da opomene njegovu braću da ne propadnu na sličan način. I odgovoreno mu je: 'To se nikako neće dogoditi; jer imaju Mojsija i proroke od kojih se mogu dati poučiti.' Tako ja sad kažem da imaju evanđelja i izjave proroka, imaju primjere i riječi učitelja, imaju razum i uvid, neka ih dakle koriste i spasit će se. Da sam i poslao Tebe, ne možeš tako glasno vikati da bi te se čulo, a pošaljem li svoje prijatelje, premalo ih je i kad bi vikali, jedva bi ih se čulo. Ipak, poslat ću svoje prijatelje onima kojima mi se svidi i oni će Bogu prokrčiti put.“ Trideset i osmo poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici kako se snovima ne smije vjerovati, već ih se treba štititi koliko god tužni ili sretni bili i kako đavao u takvim stvarima miješa lažno s istinom zbog čega se u svijetu dižu mnoge zablude. I kako se proroci nisu prevarili iz razloga što su Boga istinski voljeli iznad svega. Sin reče: „Zašto te lijepi snovi tako uzdižu? Zbog čega te tužni deprimiraju? Nisam li ti rekao da je đavao zavidan i da bez mojeg dopuštenja ne može učiniti više nego slama tvojim nogama? Rekao sam ti također da je on otac i izumitelj svih laži i da svim svojim lažima pridodaje istinu. Zato kažem i da đavao ne spava, već obilazi da bi našao svoju priliku protiv tebe. Zato se trebaš pobrinuti da te đavao koji svojim pronicljivim znanjem i iz vanjskih pokreta prepoznaje unutarnje ne prevari. Ponekad ti šalje nešto veselo u srce da bi imala ispraznu radost, ponekad nešto tužno da bi pri svojim jadanju propustila nešto dobro što bi bila mogla učiniti i da bi te tvoja nevolja učinila žalosnom i zabrinutom i prije nego što se nevolja dogodi. Ponekad đavao srca koja se žele svidjeti svijetu vara mnogim lažima kao lažni prorok koji vara ljude. To se događa ljudima koji drugo vole više od samog Boga. Zato se događa da se među mnogim lažnim riječima nalaze mnoge istinite jer đavao nikad ne bi mogao prevariti kad lažnome ne bi pridodao istinito kao što se moglo vidjeti na onome opsjednutome kojeg si vidjela koji je, iako je priznavao jednog Boga, ipak kroz nećudoredne pokrete i strana očitovanja dao prepoznati da je u njemu vlasnik i stanovnik đavao. No sad bi mogla pitati zašto dozvoljavam đavlu da laže? Odgovaram: to sam dozvoljavao i dozvoljavam zbog grijeha naroda i zbog svećenika koji su htjeli znati ono što im Bog nije htio dopustiti da znaju i koji su htjeli imati sreću tamo gdje je Bog vidio da im ne koristi za spas. Zato Bog zbog grijeha dopušta mnogo toga što se inače ne bi dogodilo da ljudi nisu zloporabili milost i razum. Proroci pak koji nisu željeli ništa osim Boga i Božje riječi su htjeli govoriti samo radi Boga nisu bili prevareni, već su govorili i voljeli riječi istine. Kao što ne treba prihvatiti sve snove, tako ih ne treba sve ni prezreti; jer Bog ponekad i zlima nadahnjuje dobro i čas njihove smrti da bi se mogli pokajati za svoje grijehe; ponekad i dobrima unosi dobro u snu da bi još jače rasli u Bogu. Kad god i koliko god često ti se tako dogodi, neka ti se srce ne opterećuje, već promisli i raspravi sa svojim duhovnim prijateljima ili pusti i isključi to iz svojeg srca kao da nisi ni vidjela jer tko se raduje takvim stvarima, često je prevaren i uznemiren. Zato budi postojana u vjeri u Sveto Trojstvo i voli Boga iz sveg srca; budi poslušna u protivnostima kao u sreći; nikad se nemoj više cijeniti u mislima, već se i kod dobra koje činiš boj; ne smatraj svoje mišljenje boljim od mišljenja drugih i potpuno povjeri svu svoju volju Bogu; pripremi se na sve što bi Bog mogao htjeti, onda se ne moraš bojati snova; ako su radosni, ne vjeruj im i ne želi ih ukoliko se pritom ne razmatra Božja čast; ako su pak tužni, nemoj se rastužiti, već se potpuno predaj Bogu.“ Na to reče Majka: „Ja sam Majka Milosrđa i svojoj kćeri dok spava pripremam odjeću, dok se odijeva, pripremam joj jelo, dok radi, pripremam joj krunu i sve dobro.“ Trideset i deveto poglavlje Majčine riječi Sinu o zaručnici i Kristov odgovor Majci. Dalje, Majčine riječi o tome što označavaju lav i janje i kako Bog zbog ljudske nezahvalnosti i nestrpljivosti dopušta da im se događa što im se inače ne bi dogodilo. Majka je razgovarala sa svojim Sinom Isusom i reče: „Naša kćer je kao janje koje svoju glavu stavlja u lavlje ralje.“ Sin odgovori: „Bolje je da janje svoju glavu stavlja u lavlje ralje tako da s lavom postane jedno meso i jedna krv nego da janje isiše krv iz lavljeg mesa; jer lav će se zbog toga rasrditi, a janje, čija je hrana sijeno, postat će bolesno. No, najdraža Majko, koja si u svojoj utrobi nosila svu mudrost i puninu ukupne pameti, pomogni joj prepoznati što je lav, a što janje.“ Majka odgovori: „Blagoslovljen Ti, Sine moj, koji si, u vječnosti ostajući kod Oca, sišao, ali se nikad nisi odvojio od Oca. Ti si lav, ali od plemena Judina; Ti si janje bez mrlje na koje je pokazao Ivan. Svoju glavu u lavlje ralje stavlja onaj tko povjeri svu svoju volju Bogu i kad bi mogao, ne bi je izvršio ukoliko ne bi znao da se Tebi sviđa. Lavlju krv pak siše onaj tko nad Tvojom pravednošću i slaganjem gaji nestrpljive želje i trudi se postići drugo od onoga što si mu odredio i želi biti u drugom staležu nego što se Tebi sviđa i nego što bi mu samome bilo korisnije. Tako se Bog ne ublažuje, već srdi. Jer kao što je janjeva hrana sijeno, tako se i čovjek treba zadovoljiti niskim stvarima i malim staležom. Zato Bog zbog ljudske nezahvalnosti i nestrpljivosti dopušta mnogo toga za spas ljudi što se inače ne bi dogodilo. Zato, moja kćeri, prepusti svoju volju Bogu i budeš li koji put manje strpljiva, podigni se kroz pokoru; jer pokora je kao pralja koja dobro ispire mrlje, a kajanje odlična bjelilica.“ Četrdeseto poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici koje objašnjavaju što je kršćanska smrt. Kako čovjek umire loše ili dobro i kako se Božji prijatelji ne trebaju žalostiti kad vide kako Božji sluge umiru strašnom tjelesnom smrću. Sin Božji reče: „Ne boj se, moja kćeri, ova bolesnica neće umrijeti jer mi se sviđaju njezina djela“. Nakon što je ipak umrla, Sin Božji opet reče: „Gledaj, moja kćeri, istina je što sam ti rekao: ona nije mrtva jer njezina slava je velika; odvajanje duše od tijela je kod pravednih samo kao san jer se bude u vječnom životu. Ali smrću treba nazvati kad od tijela odvojena duša živi u vječnoj smrti. Mnogi koji se ne obaziru na budućnost žele umrijeti kršćanskom smrću. No što je kršćanska smrt doli umrijeti kao što sam ja umro, nevino, dobrovoljno i strpljivo? Treba li me se možda prezirati jer je moja smrt bila prijezirna i teška? Ili jesu li moji izabrani budale jer su podnosili prijezirno ili je sudbina ili kretanje zvijezda to donijelo? Nikako! Moji izabrani i ja smo trpjeli teško da bismo riječju i uzorom pokazali da je put u nebo težak i da bi se zlima objavilo koju čistoću trebaju ako već izabrani i nevini moraju podnositi tako teško. Zato znaj kako sramotno i loše umire onaj koji živi razuzdano i u smrti još ima volju griješiti, koji ako u svijetu živi u blagostanju želi živjeti dulje i ne daje Bogu zahvalu. Tko pak Boga voli iz sveg srca i nevin je mučen prijezirnom smrću ili opterećen dugom bolešću, on živi i umire sretan jer oštra smrt umanjuje grijeh kao i kaznu za grijeh, a uvećava krunu. Gledaj, podsjećam te na dva koji su prema ljudskom sudu umrli prijezirnom i gorkom smrću i koji da nisu prema mojoj pravednosti postigli takvu smrt ne bi bili spašeni. No budući da Gospodin ne kažnjava dvaput one koji su slomljena srca, došli su do krune. Zato se Božji sluge ne trebaju žalostiti ako su vremenito bičevani ili ako umru gorkom smrću jer najveća je sreća tugovati jedan sat i imati nevolju u svijetu da se ne bi došlo u teže čistilište iz kojeg neće biti bijega niti vremena za raditi.“ Četrdeset i prvo poglavlje Majčine riječi kćeri da svećenici koji su na ispravan način postigli službu za odrješenje mogu ma koliko god veliki grešnici bili odriješiti od grijeha, a isto vrijedi i za sakrament euharistije. Majka reče: „Idi k onome koji ima službu; jer koliko god gubav vratar bio, ako ima ključ, ne može ništa manje otvoriti vrati nego zdravi. Tako je i s odrješenjem i sakramentom oltara; jer sluga može biti bilo tko i ako je službu odrješenja primio na ispravan način, može odrješiti grijehe. Zato se nijednoga ne smije prezirati. No ipak, upozoravam te u dvije stvari. Jedna je da ono što tjelesno voli i želi neće imati; druga je da će njegov život vrlo brzo biti skraćen. I kao što mrav koji dan i noć nosi zrnce ponekad padne kad dođe blizu otvora i ugine u ulazu, a zrnce ostane vani, tako će i on umrijeti ukoliko počne postizati plod svojeg rada i za svoj uzaludan posao će biti obeščašćen i kažnjen.“ Četrdeset i drugo poglavlje Majčine riječi kćeri kako su dobro vladanje i djela pravednosti kod Božjih prijatelja predstavljeni grede kod vrata. I kako se sluge trebaju čuvati od zla klevetanja. Majka reče: „Kaže se da su Božji prijatelji kao dvije grede kod vrata kroz koja drugi trebaju ući. Zato ih se brižno treba čuvati da onima koji ulaze na putu ne bude ništa surovo ili oštro ili nešto drugo što bi ih zaustavilo. Što drugo znače grede doli ćudoredno vladanje, djela pravednosti i okrepljujuće govore koji na Božjim prijateljima dnevno trebaju doći na vidjelo? Zato se pažljivo treba čuvati da ništa oštro, to jest da se u ustima Božjih prijatelja ne nađe nikakva riječ koja sadrži zlo ogovaranje ili je nepromišljena; u njihovim djelima se također ne smije zamijetiti ništa svjetovno pred čim bi oni koji žele ući uzmaknuli i zbog čega bi se grozili ulaska.“ Četrdeset i treće poglavlje Majčine riječi zaručnici kako su zli pastiri uspoređeni s crvom koji glođe korijenje stabla. Majka reče: „Kao što crv koji kad ugleda dobro sjeme ne pita koliko se ploda gubi ili otpada ako može glodati korijenje ili ono što je najbliže zemlji, tako i ovi duhovni pastiri ne pitaju propadaju li duše ukoliko postižu svoj dobitak i svoje vremenito dobro. Zato će nad njih doći pravednost moga Sina i bit će vrlo brzo uzeti.“ Kćer odgovori: „Sve vrijeme, koliko god nam ono moglo biti dugo, pred Bogom je kao trenutak; no strpljivost Tvoga Sina je velika i sa zlima.“ Majka odgovori: „Zaista, kažem ti njihov sud neće biti odgođen već će strašno doći nad njih i bit će otrgnuti od svojih radosti u sramotu.“ Četrdeset i četvrto poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici kojima tijelo uspoređuje brodom, svijet morem i kako volja ima slobodu voditi duše u nebo ili pakao. Kako je zemaljska ljepota usporediva čaši. Sin Božji reče: „Čuj, ti koja iz oluja svijeta želiš dospjeti u luku mira, da se svaki koji je na moru ne smije bojati ako stoji kraj onoga koji vjetrovima može zabraniti da pušu, koji svemu tjelesnome što želi naštetiti zapovijeda da odstupi i zapovijeda stijenama da se smekšaju i može zapovjediti olujama da vode brod u sigurnu luku. Tako su na tjelesan način u svijetu neki kao brod koji vodi tijelo preko vode svijeta, neke do utjehe, neke do nevolje jer ljudska volja je slobodna i neke duše vodi u nebo, druge u dubinu pakla. Zato se Bogu sviđa ona volja koja ništa ne želi čuti žarkije doli Božju čast biti želi živjeti za nešto drugo doli da može služiti Bogu; jer u takvoj volji Bog rado stanuje, ublažava sve opasnosti duše i smekšava stijene koje dušu mnogo puta ugrožavaju. Što su drugo stijene doli zla žudnja? Jer ljupko je vidjeti što svijet posjeduje i sam to posjedovati, radovati se časti svoga tijela i kušati sve što raduje tijelo. U takvim stvarima duše je često u opasnosti. Ali ako je Bog na brodu, sve gubi svoju tvrdoću i duša prezire sve one stvari jer sva tjelesna i zemaljska ljepota slična čaši koja je izvana oslikana, ali iznutra je puna zemlje. Ako se čaša razbije, nije korisnija crne zemlje koja nije stvorena ni zbog kojeg drugog razloga doli da bi se njome kupilo nebo. Zato svaki čovjek može mirovati i jednom se s radošću probuditi ako od časti svijeta bježi isto kao od otrovna zraka i gnuša se požude tijela jer je Bog svakog sata uz njega.“ Četrdeset i peto poglavlje Riječi jadikovanja pred carskim veličanstvom o tome kako se četiri sestre, kćeri kralja Isusa Krista, naime: Poniznost, Uzdržljivost, Skromnost i Ljubav sad smatraju bezvrijednima, a kćeri kralja đavla: Oholost, Žudnja, Preobilje i Simonija se nazivaju uglednim ženama. Ne žalim se samo radi sebe već u ime mnogih Božjih izabranika pred vašim carskim veličanstvom na to kako su bile četiri sestre, kćeri jednog moćnog kralja od kojih je svaka imala sjedište i vlast u svojem očinskom nasljeđu. Oni koji su htjeli vidjeti ljepotu tih sestara, primili su utjehu kroz njihovu ljepotu i dobre primjere iz njihove pobožnosti. Prva sestra se zvala Poniznost u raspoređivanju svih stvari koje treba izvršiti. Druga sestra se zvala Uzdržljivost od svakoga grešnog ophođenja. Treća sestra je bila zvana Skromnost bez svog preobilja. Četvrta sestra se zvala Ljubav kod nevolja bližnjeg. Ove četiri sestre su sad u svojem očinskom nasljeđu potisnute i prezirane od skoro svih. Njihovo sjedište su zauzele četiri izvanbračne sestre koje su rođene od bludnika i nazivaju se uglednim gospođama. Prva se zove gospođa Oholost koja je tu da se svidi svijetu. Druga se zove gospođa Žudnja za željama svega tjelesnoga. Treća se zove gospođa Preobilje u nužnome. Četvrta se zove gospođa Simonija od čije se prevare skoro nitko ne može čuvati; jer bilo da je ono što uzima stečeno na pravedan ili nepravedan način, sve prima s pohlepom. Ove četiri gospođe govore protiv Božjih zapovjedi, žele ih učiniti bezvrijednima i daju mnogim dušama prigodu za vječno prokletstvo. Zato radi ljubavi koju je Bog imao prema vama djelujte, gospodine, i pomognite onim četirima sestrama koje se nazivaju vrlinama i izišle su iz vrline Isusa Krista, samog najvišeg kralja. One su sad u svetoj Crkvi koja je Kristovo nasljeđe potisnute da bi opet mogle biti uzvišene i da bi se potisnuli poroci koji se u svijetu nazivaju uglednim gospođama jer su izdajnice duša jer su rođene od samog poroka izdajnika đavla. Četrdeset i šesto poglavlje Zaručničine riječi opomene jednom gospodinu radi povrata protupravno stečene imovine i o glasu jednog anđela koji protiv njega izriče okrutnu kaznu. „Gospodine, upozoravam vas na opasnost koja prijeti vašoj duši tako što vam dozivan u sjećanje kako se u Starom zavjetu čita kako je kralj želio vinograd jednog čovjeka i za vinograd je ponudio punu cijenu. No budući da se vlasniku nije svidjelo prodati ga, kralj je postao zlovoljan i prisvojio si je vinograd nepravdom i nasiljem. Njemu je kasnije govorio Duh Sveti po ustima jednog proroka i izrekao je kralju i kraljici osudu da zbog te nepravde moraju umrijeti vrlo sramotnom smrću. To im se i dogodilo i njihova djeca nikad nisu bila sretna zbog posjedovanja tog vinograda. Budući da ste kršćanin i na neokrnjen način imate vjeru i pouzdano znate da je Bog još uvijek isti koji je bio i onda i tako moćan i pravedan kao i onda, nedvojbeno možete prepoznati da će vam isti Bog biti pravedni sudac i moćni osvetnik ako želite posjedovati nešto na nepravedan način ili tako da vlasnika protiv njegove volje prisilite na prodaju ili mu želite dati bilo koju cijenu. S boli se trebate brinuti da će takva osuda doći nad vas kao što se čita da je došla nad onu kraljicu i da vaša djeca neće postati bogata kroz nepravedno stečeno, već će ih mučiti nedostatak. Zato te podsjećam na radi muke Isusa Krista koji je tvoju dušu otkupio svojom dragocjenom krvlju i upozoravam te da ne proigraš svoju dušu zbog neke prolazne stvari, već svima koje si ti ili koji su zbog tebe na nepravedan način oštećeni učiniš zadovoljštinu i sve što si stekao na nepravedan način nadoknadiš na utjehu onima koji sad pate u bolima i drugima za uzor ukoliko još želiš primiti Božje prijateljstvo. Bog mi je svjedok da ovo ne pišem sama od sebe jer te ne poznajem, već me ono što se dogodilo jednoj izvjesnoj osobi prisililo da ti pišem pod božanskim sažaljenjem prema tvojoj duši. Ona je osoba naime čula ne u snu, već budna dok je molila glas jednog anđela koji je govorio: 'Björn, Björn, ti koji si tako odvažan protiv Boga i pravednosti, tvoja volja je u tebi nadvladala tvoju savjest tako da potpuno šuti, a tvoja volja govori i čini Zato ćeš ubrzo doći pred sud, pred Božji sud gdje će tvoja volja šutjeti, a tvoja savjest govoriti i prema ispravnoj osudi same pravednosti prokleti.'“ Četrdeset i sedmo poglavlje Sinove riječi zaručnici kako se moramo čuvati đavlovih kušnji. Kako je đavao predstavljen neprijateljem, Bog kokoši, Njegova moć i mudrost krilom, njegovo milosrđe perjem, a ljudi pilićima. Sin reče: „Ako neprijatelj kuca na vrata, ne smijete biti kao koze koje trče na zid ili ovnovi koji dižu prednje noge i međusobno se udaraju rogovima, već trebate biti kao pilići koji kad vide pticu koja im šteti kako leti u zraku, trče od majčino krilo kako bi se sakrili. Ako i ne mogu uhvatiti više od jednog majčina pera, raduju se ako mogu biti pokriveni i samo njime. Tko je drugi vaš neprijatelj doli đavao koji je zavidan na sva dobra djela, čiji je posao kušnjama kucati na čovjekovu dušu i uznemiriti je. Povremeno kuca gnjevom, zlim ogovaranjem, ponekad nestrpljivošću i prosuđivanjem Božjih odluka ako sve ne ide prema želji; vrlo često kuca i uznemiruje vas bezbrojnim mislima da bi vas mogao odvući od Božje službe i da bi se vaša dobra djela pred Bogom zamračila. Kakve god vrste bile vaše misli, ne smijete napustiti svoje mjesto, niti biti kao koze koje trče na zid, to jest njeguju tvrdoću srca ili u vašim srcima prosuđivati djela drugih jer često je onaj tko je danas bio zao sutra dobar. Naprotiv, trebate prignuti svoje rogove, stajati i slušati, to jest poniziti se i bojati se tako što zadržite strpljivost i molite Boga da se ono što je počelo loše pretvori u dobro. Ne smijete biti ni kao ovnovi koji udaraju rogovima, to jest na riječi uzvraćaju riječima i gomilaju porugu na porugu, već postojano trebate čvrsto stajati na nogama i šutjeti, to jest hrabro suzbijati sklonost tijela tako da kod govorenja i odgovaranja promišljate i strpljivo se prisilite jer je dužnost pravedna čovjeka pobijediti samog sebe i suzdržati se dozvoljena govorenja da bi se izbjeglo brbljanje i uvreda. Jer tko u uzbuđenju prejako otkrije svoje osjećaje, donekle ima dojam da se branio i otkrio nestabilnost svog uma; zato neće primiti krunu jer nije htio jedno vrijeme imati strpljivost kojom bi mogao osvojiti svog brata koji ozljeđuje, a sebe pripremiti za dragocjenu krunu. A što su drugo krila kokoši doli božanska moć i mudrost? Ja sam tako kao kokoš i snažno štitim svoje mlade koji na moj poziv dotrče, to jest žele sjenu mojih krila, od đavolje omče i mudro ih svojim nadahnućima privlačim do spasa. Što je drugo perje doli moje milosrđe? I ne može li onaj koji ga postigne biti siguran kao pilić koji se grije ispod majčina krila? Zato budite kao pilići i dojurite mojoj volji i govorite kod svih kušnji i protivnosti riječima i djelima: 'Neka bude Božja volja!' jer one koji se uzdaju u mene branim svojom moći. Okrjepljujem ih svojim milosrđem, držim ih u svojoj moći, posjećujem ih svojom utjehom i rasvjetljujem svojom mudrošću, svojom ljubavlju ih nagrađujem stostruko.“ Četrdeset i osmo poglavlje Sinove riječi zaručnici o izvjesnom kralju kako treba umnožiti Božju čast i ljubav prema dušama i o osudi protiv njega ukoliko to ne učini. Sin Božji reče: „Ako me ovaj kralj želi častiti, neka prvo umanji moje obeščašćivanje i umnoži moju čast; moje obeščašćivanje se sastoji u tome da moje zapovjedi koje sam donio i riječi koje sam osobno govorio prezrene i gotovo da ih većina smatra za ništa. Želi li me dakle voljeti, neka ubuduće nosi veću ljubav prema dušama onih za koje sam krvlju svoga srca otvorio nebo. Traži li više postići mir u Bogu nego proširiti svoje očevinsko nasljedstvo, sigurno će od Boga imati više radosti i pomoći da opet osvoji Jeruzalem, ono mjesto gdje je ležalo moje umrlo tijelo. Ti koja ovo čuješ, reci mu još ovo: Ja, Bog, dopustio sam da bude okrunjen. Zato mu je dužnost slijedi moju volju i da me iznad svega časti i voli; ukoliko to ne učini, njegovi dani će se dani skratiti. I oni koji ga tjelesno vole će nevoljom biti odvojeni od njega i njegovo će kraljevstvo biti razdijeljeno u više dijelova.“ Četrdeset i deveto poglavlje Zaručničino viđenje pod obličjem Crkve i o njegovu tumačenju koje sadrži način i položaj prema kojima bi papa trebao vladati s obzirom na sebe, na kardinale i druge prelate svete majke Crkve i što je više moguće u poniznosti. Jedna se osobi ukazalo kao da se nalazi u širokom koru. I pojavilo se veliko i sjajno sunce i bila su dvije stolice kao propovjedaonice, jedna desno, druga lijevo koje su se nalazile u širokom razmaku od sunca. Iz sunca su izlazile dvije zrake prema stolicama. Onda se od stolice koja je stajala lijevo čuo glas. On je govorio: „Budi pozdravljen u vječnost kralju, stvoritelju, otkupitelju i pravedni suče! Gledaj! Tvoj namjesnik koji u svijetu sjedi na Tvojem mjestu je svoje sjedište već vratio na njegov stari položaj gdje je sjedio prvi papa Petar koji je bio knez među apostolima.“ Od stolice desno odgovori jedan glas i reče: „Kako će moći ući u svetu Crkvu kod koje su otvori šarki puni hrđe i zemlje? Zato se vratnice i naginju prema zemlji jer na šarkama nema mjesta na koje bi zakvačke prianjale da drže vratnice. Zakvačke su ispružene potpuno ispravno i izgubile su svoju zakrivljenost da drže vratnice. Podna obloga je potpuno razrovana i pretvorena u duboke jame kao nadasve duboki bunari koji nemaju dno. Krov je premazan smolom i u požaru je od vatre i sumpora koji kaplje dolje kao gusta magla, a crni i debeli dim koji se diže iz gorućeg krova je sve zidove ispunio čađom. Dolikuje li dakle Božjem prijatelju imati stan u takvu hramu?“ Glas od lijeve stolice odgovori: „Rastumači duhovno što si rekao tjelesno.“ Na to će glas: „Pod vratnicama se podrazumijeva papa, a pod šarkama poniznost koja isključuje svaku oholost tako da se na njoj ne smije pojaviti ništa osim onoga što pripada poniznoj službi jednog biskupa i otvor mora biti potpuno slobodan od hrđe. No sad su u otvorima koji predstavljaju poniznost napunjene preobiljem, bogatstvom i imovinom i sva je poniznost pretvorena u svjetovni raskoš što treba razumjeti tako papa se koji je uspoređen s vratnicama naginje hrđi i blatu svjetovnih stvari. Zato papa treba početi u istinskoj poniznosti kod samog sebe, najprije u svojem kućnom uređenju, na odjeći, zlatu, srebru i srebrnim priborom, konjima i ostalim uporabnim predmetima tako da razdvoji obilje od nužnog i preda siromasima, naime onima koje je upoznao kao Božje prijatelje. Zatim treba svoju kućnu poslugu umjereno odrediti, zadržati samo nužne sluge koji mu čuvaju tijelo jer iako stoji u Božjoj ruci kad ga želi pozvati na sud, ipak je ispravno da ima sluge da bi jačao pravednost u da bi mogao poniziti one koji se dižu protiv Boga i običaja svete Crkve. Pod zakvačkama koje se pričvršćuju vratnicama se podrazumijevaju kardinali koji su se koliko mogu ispružili svakoj oholosti, pohlepi i tjelesnoj požudi. Zato papa treba u ruke uzeti čekić i kliješta i šarke saviti po svojoj volji tako da im ne dopusti više odjeće, kućne posluge i opreme nego što im je nužno za uzdržavanje. Treba ih saviti kliještima, to jest blagim riječima, božanskim savjetom i očinskom ljubavlju. Ne žele li poslušati, neka uzme čekić, to jest pokaže im strogoću i učini što može bez da djeluje protiv pravednosti sve dok se ne saviju prema njegovoj volji. Pod podnom oblogom se podrazumijevaju biskupi i svjetovni svećenici čija pohlepa nema dno, iz čije se oholosti i raskošna života se diže dim koji svi anđeli na nebu i Božji prijatelji na zemlji proklinju. Papa to može u mnogim dijelovima popraviti ako svakome dopusti imati nužno, ali ne izobilje i svakom biskupu zapovijedi obratiti pozornost na život svojih svećenika i da se svakome koji ne bude htio popravi svoj život i održavati umjerenost potpuno oduzmu prihodi jer je Bogu draže da se na takvom ne čita nijedna misa nego da razvratne ruke dodiruju Božje tijelo.“ Pedeseto poglavlje Djevičine riječi zaručnici kako se Bogu ništa ne sviđa tako jako kao to da ga ljudi vole iznad svega. To pokazuje na primjeru jedne poganske žene koja je zbog velike ljubavi koju je nosila prema stvoritelju postigla milost. „Činilo mi se kao kralj sjedi na sudačkoj stolici i svaka živa osoba se morala postaviti pred njega; kraj svake osobe su stajala dvojica od kojih je jednog predstavljao vanjski izgled naoružana ratnika, a drugi se pokazivao kao crni Etiopljanin. Pred sudom je stajala propovjedaonica na kojoj je ležala knjiga koja je bila uređena kao što sam prije vidjela kad sam vidjela tri kralja kako stoje pred njom. Vidjela sam i kao da cijeli svijet stoji pred propovjedaonicom i čula kako sudac govori naoružanu ratniku: 'Pozovi mi pred sud one kojima su služio s ljubavlju.' I oni koju su bili imenovani, odmah su pali. Neki od njih su ostali ležati dulje, neki kraće prije nego su se odvojile od tijela. Ne mogu shvatiti sve što sam vidjela i čula jer sam čula osude mnogih još živih koji uskoro trebaju biti pozvani. No ipak mi je od suca rečeno slijedeće: 'Ako ljudi svoje ponašanje okrenu na bolje, ublažit ću svoj sud.' Onda sam vidjela i mnoge kako su osuđeni neki na čistilište, drugi na vječni jao.“ Pedeset i prvo poglavlje Zaručničino čudesno i strašno viđenje jedne duše koja je postavljena pred suca. O Božjim prigovorima i sudačkoj knjizi protiv one duše. O dušinim odgovorima protiv nje same i raznolikim čudnovatim mukama koje su kod nje primijenjene za čišćenje. „Dalje sam vidjela kako su ratnik i Etiopljanin koje sam prije vidjela pred suca stavili jednu dušu. I rečeno mi je: 'Ono što sad vidiš se sve dogodilo s ovom dušom u vrijeme kad se odvojila od tijela.' Kad je duša izložena sucu, stajala je sama, nije bila u rukama dvojice koji su je predstavili; stajala je gola i naricala je jer nije znala kamo će doći. Onda mi se učinilo kao da je svaka riječ u knjizi govorila sama za sebe odgovarala na sve što je duša govorila. Pred sučevim uhom i svom njegovom nebeskom vojskom je govorio naoružani ratnik prvo ovako: 'Nije ispravno da se na sramotu ove duše njoj predbacuju grijesi koje je uklonila ispovijeđu.' Ipak, ja koja sam imala ovo viđenje sam onda dobro i potpuno prepoznala da je onaj ratnik koji je govorio znao sve u Bogu, ali je govorio zato da bih ja mogla razumjeti. Onda je iz knjige pravednosti došao odgovor: 'Ova duša je činila pokoru, ali njezino kajanje nije bilo primjereno njezinim grijesima, a i zadovoljština nije bila ispravna. Zato sam mora patiti boli za ono što onda kad je mogla nije popravila.' Nakon ovih riječi je duša počela tako silno plakati kao da se potpuno slomila. No vidjele su se samo suze, ali se nije čuo glas. Potom je kralj govorio duši i reče: 'Neka tvoja savjest izloži one grijehe koje nije slijedila dostojna zadovoljština.' Onda je duša tako visoko podigla svoj glas da je se gotovo moglo čuti na cijelom svijetu i reče: 'Jao meni što nisam radila prema Božjim zapovijedima koje sam čula i poznavala!' i sama sebe okrivljujući je dodala: 'Nisam se bojala Božjeg suda.' Iz knjige joj je odgovoreno: 'Zato se moraš bojati đavla.' i duša je odmah odgovorila puna straha i drhteći kao da će se potpuno rastopiti: 'Nisam imala skoro nikakvu ljubav prema Bogu; zato sam činila malo dobroga.' Iz knjige joj je odmah odgovoreno: 'Zato pravednost zahtjeva da dođeš bliže đavlu nego Bogu jer te đavao svojim kušnjama namamio i privukao sebi.' Duša odgovori i reče: 'Sad prepoznajem kako se sve što sam činila dogodilo prema đavlovu nadahnuću.' Iz knjige se odgovorilo: 'Pravednost nalaže da je đavlovo pravo vratiti ti kaznom i nevoljom prema mjeri onoga što si učinila.' Duša reče: 'Od mojeg tjemena do pete nije bilo ničeg što nisam odijevala u oholost; jer neke isprazne i ohole dijelove odjeće sam sama izmislila, a druge sam nosila prema modi svoje zemlje; prala sam ruke i lice ne samo da bi bili čisti, nego da bi od ljudi mogli biti hvaljeni kao lijepi.' Iz knjige je odgovoreno: 'Pravednost kaže da je đavlovo pravo da ti prema zasluzi vrati što si se ukrašavala i kitila kako te nadahnjivao i nalagao. ' Duša dalje reče: 'Moja usta su se često otvarala nepromišljenim riječima čime sam se htjela svidjeti drugima i moje srce je željelo sve što pred svijetom nije bila sramota i poruga.' Iz knjige je odgovoreno: 'Zato se tvoj jezik mora izvući i rastegnuti, a zubi iskriviti i sve stvari koje najviše mrziš se moraju staviti pred tebe, a nasuprot tome oduzeti sve što ti se sviđa.' Duša reče: 'Velika mi je radost bila da su u mojem primjeru mnogi našli prigodu da oponašaju moje vladanje.' Iz knjige je odgovoreno: 'Zato je pravednost da svaki koji bude preveden u takav grijeh zbog kojeg si ti kažnjena podnosi istu kaznu i da ti bude pridružen tako da se kad dođe k tebi tvoja muka umnoži.' Nakon ovih riječi mi se učinilo kao da je duši oko glave vezan lanac kao kruna i tako jako stegnut da su zatiljak i čelo spojeni zajedno. Oči su ispale ih svojih rupa i visjele su na svojim korijenima preko obraza. Kosa joj je usahla kao da je izgorjela od vatre. Mozak se smrvio i isticao kroz nos i uši, jezik je bio izvučen, a zubi iskrivljeni. Kosti u ruci su bile slomljene i svijene kao uže. Šakama je oderana koža i vezane su za vrat. Prsa i trbuh su tako jako pritisnuti na leđa da su se rebra slomila, a srce je s ostalim iznutricama ispalo i raspuknulo se, bedra su visjela na stranama prema dolje, a slomljene kosti su izvučene na način kao što se tanak konac namata u iglu. Nakon što sam to vidjela, odvrati Etiopljanin: 'O, suče, grijesi ove duše su već kažnjeni kao što je pravedno, spoji nas zato sad oboje, mene i dušu, tako da više nikad ne budemo razdvojeni.' Ali naoružani ratnik reče: 'Čuj, o, suče koji sve znaš, tebi pripada čuti i zadnje misli i zadnju sklonost koje je ova duša imala na kraju svoga života. U zadnjem je trenutku razmišljala ovako: 'Ah, kad bi mi Bog htio produljiti život, rado bih popravila svoje grijehe i služila mu sve vrijeme svoga života i ne bih ga nikad više uvrijedila.' Tako je, o, suče, mislila i htjela. Spomeni se također Gospodine kako ova duša nije živjela tako dugo da bi potpuno prepoznala stanje svoje svijesti; spomeni se zato njezine mladosti i budi joj milosrdan.' Sad je iz knjige pravednosti uslijedio slijedeći odgovor: 'Takve misli na kraju ne zaslužuju pakao.' I sudac reče dalje: 'Radi moje muke će duši biti otvoreno nebo nakon što je prije toga postigla čišćenje primjereno njezinim grijesima, osim ako još prije ne primi pomoć kroz dobra djela živih.'„ Objašnjenje Ova se žena zavjetovala na djevičanstvo u ruku jednog svećenika, ali se nakon toga udala, onda je kod poroda došla u opasnost i umrla. Pedeset i drugo poglavlje Strašno zaručničino viđenje o jednom muškarcu i ženi. anđelovu tumačenju viđenja zaručnici u kojem je sadržano mnogo čudesnoga. „Ukazao mi se muškarac čije su oči bile iskopane i visjele su na dva živca preko obraza. Imao je uši kao pas, nos kao konj, usta kao ralje divljeg vuka. Ruke su bile kao velikog bika, noge kao lešinara. Ukazala mi se i žena koja je stajala kraj njega i čija je kosa bila kao trnje. Oči su joj se nalazile na zatiljku. Uši su joj bile otkinute a nosnice pune trulog gnoja. Usnice su bile kao zmijini zubi. Na jeziku se nalazila otrovna bodlja. Ruke su bile kao dva lisičja repa, noge kao dva škorpiona. Dok sam ja budna, a ne spavajući to gledala to vidjela, rekoh: 'Što je to?' Odmah mi progovori ugodno zvučeći glas koji je bio tako utješan da je svaki strah odstupio od mene. On reče: 'Za što smatraš ovo što vidiš?' Odgovorih: 'Ne znam je su li ovi koje gledam đavoli ili divlje životinje rođene od gadne životinjske vrste ili od Boga tako oblikovani ljudi.' Na to mi glas odgovori: 'Nisu niti đavoli jer oni tijelo kao što vidiš da ovi imaju, niti su životinjska vrsta jer su rođeni od Adamova roda. Također nisu tako stvoreni od Boga, već u svojim dušama pred Bogom izgledaju tako unakaženi od đavola kao što vidiš u tjelesnoj slici. Želim ti pokazati što to znači na duhovan način. Oči onog čovjeka ti izgledaju kao iskopane; vise na dva živca. Pod tim živcima možeš podrazumijevati koju je imao i to prvo da Bog vječno živi, drugo da će njegova duša nakon smrti živjeti vječno živjeti bilo u zlu, bilo u dobru. Pod očima ćeš razumjeti prvo da je trebao razmatrati kako može izbjeći grijeh, drugo kako može izvršavati dobra djela. Oba oka su iskopana zato što nije po mjeri želje za nebeskom slavom izvršavao dobra djela, niti je od straha pred paklom bježao od grijeha. Ima i pseće uši. Jer kao što se pas ne obazire na ime svojeg gospodara ili bilo koje drugo ime kao na svoje vlastito kad čuje da ga se zove, tako i ovaj nije više brinuo za čast Božjeg imena nego za čast vlastita imena. Ima i nosnice kao konj. Jer kao što nezauzdan konj uživa u smradu svog izbačenog izmeta, tako se i ovome sviđa misliti na svoje izvršene grijehe koji su pred Bogom smatrani izmetom. Ima i ralje kao divlji vuk koji nakon što je trbuh i ralje napunio onim što je vidio želi proždrijeti i drugo živo što čuje da se kreće. Tako bi i ovaj kad bi posjedovao sve što očima vidi želio posjedovati još i ono za što čuje da drugi posjeduju. Ima i ruke kao stopala jakog bika koji kad je srdit životinju koju nadvlada u žestini svoga gnjeva raskida svojim stopalima bez da se brine za iznutrice ili meso samo da mu može uzeti život. Sličan je i ovaj; jer kad je u gnjevu, ništa ga ne brine hoće li duša njegova neprijatelja sići u pakao niti hoće li njegovo tijelo biti smrtno mučeno ako mu može uzeti život. Ima i noge kao lešinar; jer kao što lešinar svoje noge snažno postavlja na plijen koji želi proždrijeti sve dok mu se snage ne izmore i mora pustiti plijen, tako i ovaj što je stekao na nepravedan način želi zadržati do smrti, dok će to nakon što ga sve snage napuste morati ostaviti. Ženina kosa izgleda kao trnje. Pod voljom se budući da se nalazi gore na glavi i krasi čovječje lice podrazumijeva volja koja se ispred svih želi svidjeti najvišem Bogu; jer takva volja krasi dušu pred Bogom. Budući da se volja ove žene uglavnom nastoji svidjeti ovom svijetu i to više nego najvišem Bogu, njezina kosa izgleda kao trnje. Oči se pokazuju na zatiljku jer oči svoga srca odvraća od onoga što je Božja dobrota učinila za nju tako što ju je stvorio, otkupio i na različite načine se za nju korisno brinuo. Nasuprot tome svoju pažnju napeto upravlja prema onome što je prolazno iako joj dnevno umiče sve dok potpuno ne nestane iz njezina pogleda. Uši duhovno izgledaju otkinuto jer se vrlo malo brine čuti nauk ili propovijed svetog Evanđelja. Nosnice su pune smrdljivog gnoja; jer kao što se miris kroz nosnice penje sve do mozga da ga kad je sladak jača, tako ova žena svoju snagu traži u grešnim sklonostima trulim radostima svijeta koje joj se penju u mozak. Njezine usnice izgledaju kao zmijski zubi i na jeziku se nalazi otrovna bodlja. Jer iako zmija vrlo snažno stišće zube skupa da bi štitila bodlju da se slučajno ne bi slomila, ipak među zubima gdje ima otvore teče prljavština. Na sličan način ona zatvara svoje usnice pred istinskom ispovijedi da se ne bi slomila radost grijeha koja je za njezinu dušu otrovna bodlja; no ipak prljavština njezinih grijeha se jasno pojavljuje pred Bogom i njegovim svetima.' 'Govorio sam ti prije o sudu i odbijanju braka koji su sklopili protiv propisa Crkve. Sad ću ti detaljnije objasniti. Vidjela si ruke spomenute žene kao lisičje repove i njezine noge kao škorpione. To je zato jer je u svim udovima i pokretima bila tako neuredna da je kroz nepromišljenost svojih ruku i hod svojih nogu izazivala tjelesnu požudu i dušu svojeg muža ubola teže nego škorpion.' I gledaj, istog trenutka se pojavio Etiopljanin; u ruci je držao trozub i na jednom stopalu je imao tri nadasve oštre kandže; on poviče i reče: 'O, suče, moj čas je već došao! Čekao sam i šutio. Sad je vrijeme za djelovanje.' I odmah dok je sudac sa bezbrojnom nebeskom vojskom sjeo su mi se ukazali muškarac i žena koji su bili goli. I sudac im reče: 'Recite, iako sve znam, što ste učinili.' Muškarac odgovori: 'Znali smo veze koje Crkve veže, ali se nismo na njih obazirali, već ih štoviše prezirali. ' Sudac odgovori: 'Budući da niste htjeli slijediti Gospodina, pravedno je da osjetite zlobu krvnika.' I Etiopljanin odmah zabije u srca njih oboje jednu kandžu i tako ih je jako pritisnuo da su izgledali kao da su stavljeni u prešu. I sudac reče: 'Gledaj, kćeri moja, to zaslužuju oni koji se svjesno radi stvora udaljavaju od svojeg stvoritelja.' Sudac potom reče oboma: 'Dao sam vam vreću da skupite plodove onoga što mi se sviđa; što mi sad donosite?' Žena odgovori: 'O, suče, tražili smo radosti trbuha, ali od toga nismo donijeli ništa osim sramote.' Na to sudac reče krvniku: 'Daj što je pravo.' I on odmah pričvrsti drugu kandžu u trbuhe njih oboje i ranio ih je tako moćno da se činilo kao da su sve iznutrice probušene. I sudac reče: 'Gledaj, to zaslužuju oni koji prekoračuju zakon i umjesto za lijekom još žeđaju za otrovom.' Dalje sudac reče oboma: 'Gdje je moje blago koje sam vam dao na korištenje?' Oboje odgovore: 'Stavili smo ga pod svoje noge jer smo tražili zemaljsko, a ne vječno blago.' Na to sudac reče krvniku: 'Daj što znaš i što si dužan dati.' On je odmah zabio svoju treću kandžu u njihova srca, trbuhe i stopala tako da je sve zajedno izgledalo kao klupko. I Etiopljanin reče: 'Gospodine, kamo da idem s njima?' Sudac odgovori: 'Ne stoji ti da se uzdigneš i raduješ.' Nakon što je to rečeno, muškarac i žena uzdišući u trenutku nestanu od Božjeg lica. Sudac dalje reče: 'Raduj se, kćeri, što si odvojena od ovakvih.'“ Pedeset i treće poglavlje Djevičine riječi zaručnici kako je spremna štititi sve majke, udovice i djevice za koje vidi da ustraju u pravoj namjeri i njezina Sina vole iznad svega. „Čuj“, reče Majka Božja, „ti koja cijelim srcem moliš da se tvoja djeca svide Bogu. Zaista, takva je molitva Bogu ugodna. Jer nema majke koja mojeg Sina voli iznad svega i to moli za svoju djecu kojoj ne bih odmah bila spremna pomoći ispuniti joj molitvu. Također nema udovice koja postojano Boga moli za pomoć da do smrti na Božju čast ustraje ostati u udovičkom stanju čiju molitvu ne bih odmah bila spremna ispuniti; jer i ja sam bila kao udovica budući da sam na zemlji imala jednog Sina koji nije imao tjelesnog oca. Isto tako nema djevice koja svoje djevičanstvo želi Bogu čuvati sve do smrti koju ne bih bila spremna štititi i jačati; jer ja sam zaista sama djevica. Također se ne trebaš čuditi zato što tako govorim. Jer pisano je da je David želio Šaulovu kćer dok je još bila djevica. Ali dobio ju je tek nakon što je postala udovica. K tome je još imao i Urijinu suprugu dok je njezin suprug još živio i zato nije bio bez grijeha. No duhovna radost moga Sina koji je Davidov Gospodin jer bez svih grijeha. Kao što su se tri načina života, naime djevičanstvo, udovištvo i brak Davidu sviđali na tjelesan način, tako se mojem Sinu sviđa to imati na duhovan način u njegovoj najčišćoj radosti. Zato nije čudo što pomažem.“ Pedeset i četvrto poglavlje Majčine riječi kćeri o sretnom, duhovnom rođenju izvjesna čovjeka koji je odgojen u najgorim grijesima i kako je to rođenje postigao molitvama i suzama Božjih slugu. Gledaj sina suza koji je nedavno rođen iz svijeta na duhovan način i koji je prije od svoje majke rođen u svijet. Jer kao što primalja koja iznosi dijete iz utrobe njegove majke najprije uzima glavu, onda ruke i naposljetku cijelo tijelo sve dok ne padne za zemlju, tako sam i ja učinila njemu zbog molitava i suza mojih prijatelja. Jer utoliko sam ga izvukla iz svijeta da je na duhovan način sad kao novorođeno dijete. Zato mora biti odgojen kako tjelesno, tako i duhovno. Onaj kojem sam te poslala treba ga odgojiti svojom molitvom i čuvati svojim dobrim djelima i savjetima; žena o kojoj ti je govoreno treba za njega moliti i čuvati ga na duhovan način tako da se obazire na to da dobiva svoju duhovnu hranu jer je bio tako duboko pao u smrtni grijeh da su svi đavoli u paklu o njemu govorili: „Otvorimo usta da ga gnječimo zubima i proždremo ako možda dođe. Držimo i ruke ispružene da ga slomimo i rastrgamo; imajmo i noge u pripravnosti da ga satremo i izgazimo.“ Tebi je zato rečeno da je sad rođen na duhovan način jer je oslobođen od moći đavola kao što možeš dobro razumjeti iz riječi koje si čula kako Boga voli srcem i tijelom iznad svega. Pedeset i peto poglavlje Majčine riječi kćeri o dječaku kojeg zbog molitava Božjih slugu želi voljeti i naoružati duhovnim oružjem. Sjeti se što je pisano o Mojsiju da ga je kraljeva kćer našla na vodi i voljela ga je kao vlastita sina. U skolastičkoj povijesti je također pisano kako je isti Mojsije pobijedio zemlju pticama koje su pojele otrovne zmije. Ja sam kraljeva kći iz roda Davidova i želim voljeti svakog dječaka kojeg sam našla olujnoj plimi suza koje su prolivene za njegov spas njegove duše koja je zatvorena u kovčeg njegova tijela. Oni o kojima sam govorila ga trebaju odgojiti sve dok ne dospije do starosti u kojem ću ga naoružati i poslati da osvoji zemlju nebeskog kralja. Kako će se to dogoditi je tebi doduše nepoznato, ali meni je poznato. Jer tako ću ga naoružati da će se o njemu govoriti: „Živio je kao čovjek, umro kao div i došao na sud kao dobar ratnik.“ Dodatak Sin Božji reče: „Kad je gladna životinja otjerana od svojeg plijena, iz daljine čeka dok ne nađe vremena se vrati natrag plijenu, a ako ne, onda ide u svoju jazbinu. Tako sam učinio i s vladarom ove zemlje. Opomenuo sam ga svojim dobročinstvima; opomenuo sam ga riječima i udarcima, ali što sam ja prema njemu bio blaži, to je postao nezahvalniji i zaboravniji što sam. Zato ću mu sad uzeti krunu i staviti ga do mojeg podnožja jer nije odano stajao svojoj kruni. Također ću nad njega i njegove ulizice poslati nemilosrdnu zmiju koja je rođena od otrovnice i lukave lisice koja će uznemiravati zemlju i stanovnike i očupati jednostavne, koja će se popeti na vrh zemlje i srušiti i pogaziti hvalisave. Dječaka ću pak kojeg su hranili moji prijatelji voditi drugim putom dok ne dospije do slavnijeg mjesta.“ Sin Božji reče dalje: „O tom će se dječaku još govoriti da je živio kao čovjek, borio se kao ratnik; bit će okrunjen kao Božji prijatelj. O, kćeri moja, što misle žene koje se hvale što njihova djeca odlaze u oholost? To nije slava, već sramota jer oponašaju kralja oholosti. Ali prava čast je i ratnik slave je onaj koji se hvali time da koliko može djeluje na Božju čast i stremi za višim i spreman je trpjeti što mu Bog želi da trpi. Takav jedan je Božji ratnik i bit će okrunjen s ratnicima neba.“ Pedeset i šesto poglavlje Djevičine riječi kćeri o jednome koji se ne treba žalostiti zbog prijekora. Majka reče: „Zašto je onaj ožalošćen? Otac ponekad udara sina blagom šibom. Ne treba se zbog toga žalostiti.“ Pedeset i sedmo poglavlje Majčine riječi kćeri kako Rim od korova mora biti očišćen prvo oštrim željezom, drugo vatrom i treće parom volova. Majka reče: „Rim je kao njiva na kojoj je narastao korov. Zato se prvo mora pročistiti oštrim željezom, zatim vatrom, nakon toga preorati parom volova. Zbog toga ću s vama učiniti kao onaj tko biljke presađuje na drugo mjesto. Ovom gradu se priprema takva kazna kao kad bi sudac rekao: 'Oderi cijelu kožu, izdvoji svu krv iz mesa, nasijeci sve meso na komade i slomi mu kosti tako da istekne sva srž.'“ Pedeset i osmo poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici koje pod slikom razlažu kako Krist predstavlja gospodara koji hodočasti, njegovo tijelo blago, Crkva kuću, a svećenici su predstavljeni čuvarima koje je kao pravi gospodar odlikovao sedmerostrukom čašću. Kako se Bog tuži kako ga nepravedni svećenici obeščašćuju sedmerostrukom sramotom i kako sedam odijela, naime sedam vrlina, pretvaraju u sedam poroka. Sin Božji reče: „Ja sam kao gospodar koji se vjerno borio u zemlji svoga hodočašća i radosno se vratio u zemlju svoga rođenja. Taj gospodar je posjedovao vrlo dragocjeno blago pri pogledu na koje su suzne oči postale jasne, tužni utješeni, bolesni zdravi, a mrtvi probuđeni. No da bi se to blago moglo valjano i sigurno čuvati, u slavi i časti je izgrađena i dovršena kuća kraj sedam stepenica preko kojih se penje do kuće i blaga. To je blago gospodar predao svojim slugama da ga nadgledaju, primjenjuju i vjerno čuvaju neokrnjeno tako da bi se mogla iskazati ljubav gospodara prema svojim slugama kao i da bi odanost slugu prema njihovu gospodaru postala vidljiva. Tijekom vremena je blago počelo zapadati u prezir. Kuća se rijetko posjećivala, čuvari su postali nemarni i ljubav prema gospodaru se smanjila. Kad je potom gospodar svoje prijatelje pitao za savjet što da čini kod takve nezahvalnosti, jedan od njih odgovori i reče: 'Pisano je da je naredba bila da nemarne suce i čuvare naroda objese na suncu; ali tvoje je milosrđe i sud; ti pošteđuješ sve jer je sve tvoje ti se milosrdan svima.' Ja sam u slici onaj gospodar; jer ja sam se pojavio u čovještvu kao hodočasnik na zemlji dok sam i u nebu kao i na zemlji bio moćan pomoću svoga božanstva. Na zemlji sam imao tako jaku borbu da su svi živci mojih ruku i mojih nogu zbog moje revnosti za spas duša bili rastrgani. Budući da sam htio napustiti svijet i uzaći na nebo od kojeg prema svojem božanstvu nisam nikad bio udaljen, ostavio sam svijetu dragocjenu uspomenu, naime moje presveto tijelo tako da se kao što se Stari zavjet hvalio arkom, manom, pločama zavjeta i drugim običajima novi čovjek može radovati novom zakonu, ali ne kao prije sjeni, nego istini, naime mojem razapetom tijelu koje ima uzor u Starom zavjetu. Da bi moje tijelo ostalo u slavi i časti, podigao sam kuću svete Crkve da u njoj bude čuvano i dirano. Svećenici su njegovi posebni čuvari koji donekle u službi stoje više od anđela jer su svećenici rukama i ustima diraju onoga koga sami se anđeli iz strahopoštovanja plaše dodirnuti. Svećenike sam odlikovao sedmerostruko kao stepenastim častima. Prvo, trebaju biti moji barjaktari i posebni prijatelji čistoćom duše i tijela; jer čistoća je prva stepenica prema Bogu kojeg ne dotiče niti mu pripada ništa što je nečisto. Iako je svećenicima zakona u vrijeme kad nisu žrtvovali bio dozvoljen odnos s njihovim ženama, to nije bilo čudo jer su nosili samo ljusku, a ne jezgru. Ali sad kad je došla istina, a slika odstupila, treba se truditi do to najviše čistoće i tako to više što je jezgra slađa od ljuske. I na znak takve jedne suzdržljivosti ponajprije se podrezuje kosa da ugođaj ne bi mogao vladati niti duhom niti tijelom. Na drugoj stepenici su svećenici postavljeni da u svoj poniznosti budu anđeoski muškarci jer se pomoću poniznosti duha i tijela doseže nebo i nadvladava oholi đavao. Na znak ove stepenice su svećenici postavljeni izgoniti đavle jer će ponizni čovjek biti uzvišen u nebo iz kojeg je drski đavao pao svojom ohološću. Svećenici su postavljeni na treću stepenicu da bi stalnim čitanjem svetog pisma bili Božji učenici kojima je zato od biskupa kao vojnicima mač u ruku dana knjiga da bi znali što treba činiti i molitvom i razmišljanjem se trudili ublažiti Božji gnjev za Božji narod. Na četvrtu stepenicu su svećenici postavljeni kao čuvari hrama promatrači duša da bi mogli biti zabrinuti za spas braće i jačati ih riječju i primjerom i slabe poticati na veće savršenstvo. Na petu stepenicu su postavljeni kao nadglednici i skrbnici oltara i preziratelja svjetovnih stvari tako da se dok služe oltaru i žive od oltara uopće ne bave svjetovnim stvarima osim ako to njihova služba zahtjeva. Na šestu stepenicu su postavljeni da bi bili apostolski muškarci propovijedanjem evanđeoske istine i da bi se u svojem ponašanju ravnali prema svojoj propovijedi. Na sedmoj se stepenici nalaze postavljeni jer pomoću žrtvovanja moga tijela trebaju biti posrednici između Boga i ljudi. Na ovoj stepenici svećenici donekle stoje iznad anđela. Sad se žalim što su te stepenice razbijene jer se oholost umjesto poniznosti; umjesto čistoće se njeguje nečistoća; na oltarima je vidljivo zanemarivanje; Božja mudrost se smatra budalaštinom; ne vodi se briga o spasu duša. Ali to im još nije dovoljno, već odbacuju i moja odijela i preziru moje oružje. Mojsiju sam na brdu pokazao odijela kojima se svećenici zakona trebaju služiti; ne da bi u Božjem nebeskom stanu trebalo biti nešto tjelesno, već zato jer se duhovno ne može shvatiti drukčije doli tjelesnom usporedbom. Zato sam duhovno pokazao tjelesnim da bi se moglo znati koje iskazivanje poštovanja je nužno kod onih koji posjeduju samu istinu, to jest moje tijelo ako su oni koji su posjedovali samo ljusku i sliku morali imati takvu čistoću i strahopoštovanje. Zašto sam Mojsiju pokazao takvo veliku ljepotu u materijalnim odijelima ako ne da time bude naznačen ukras i ljepota duše? Jer kao što svećenik ima sedam odijela, tako duša koja pristupa tijelu Gospodina imati sedam vrlina bez kojih nema spasa. Prvo odijelo duše je kajanje i ispovijed, ono pokriva glavu; drugo je naginjanje k Bogu i ljubav prema čistoći; treće je trud oko Božje časti i strpljivost u protivnostima; četvrto se sastoji u tome da se ne obraća pažnja na hvalu ili pogrdu ljudi, već samo na Božju čast; peto je suzdržljivost tijela pri pravoj poniznosti; šesto je ponovno razmišljanje o Božjim dobročinstvima i strah pred njegovim sudom; sedmo je Božja ljubav iznad svega i ustrajanje u dobru koje je započeto. No sad su ova odijela pretvorena i prezrena; jer umjesto ispovijedi se voli isprika i umanjivanje krivnje, umjesto čistoće stalna raskalašenost, umjesto truda za spas duše rad za korist tijela, umjesto Božje časti i ljubavi ambicije svijeta i oholost, umjesto hvalevrijedne umjerenosti obilje u svim stvarima, umjesto straha Božjeg drskost i prosuđivanje Božjih odluka, umjesto Božje ljubavi iznad svega hladnoća i nezahvalnost prema svim Njegovim dobročinstvima. Zato ću kao što sam po proroku rekao doći u gnjevu i kazna će ih urazumiti.“ Majka Milosrđa je bila ovdje prisutna i odgovori: „Blagoslovljen Ti, Sine moj, za Tvoju pravednost. Razgovaram s Tobom iako sve znaš radi ove zaručnice koja prema Tvojoj volji treba imati uvid u duhovne stvari, ali koja duhovno može shvatiti samo kroz usporedbe. Zaista, Ti si u svojem božanstvu prije nego si od mene primio čovještvo rekao da bi se Ti kad bi u Sodomi bilo nađeno deset pravednika smilovao cijelom gradu zbog tih deset. No sada je još nebrojeno mnogo svećenika koji Te ublažuju žrtvovanjem Tvoga tijela. Zato se radi njih smiluj onima koji imaju malo dobroga; to Te molim ja koja rodila u čovještvu, to Te sa mnom mole svi Tvoji izabrani.“ Sin odgovori: „Blagoslovljena ti, blagoslovljena riječi tvojih usta! Vidiš da trostruko pošteđujem zbog trostrukog dobra u prinošenju moga Tijela. Kao što su Judinom drskosti na meni otkrivena tri dobra, tako prinošenjem ove žrtve dušama dolazi trostruko dobro. Prvo, hvali se moja strpljivost što iako sam znao da je Juda izdajica nisam odbijao njegovo društvo; drugo, što su kad je izdajica sa svojima stajao svi na moju riječ pali na pod čime se očitovala moja moć; treće, da sam svu njegovu i đavlovu zlobu okrenuo na spas duša čime se otkrila božanska mudrost i ljubav. Tako i iz žrtve svećenika proizlaze tri dobra. Prvo, cijela nebeska vojska slavi moju strpljivost jer sam ja sam rukama dobrog kao i zlog svećenika i kod mene ne vrijedi izgled osobe niti ovaj sakrament postižu zasluge ljudi, već moje riječi; drugo, jer taj prinos koristi svima bez obzira od kojeg god je svećenika prinesen; treće, jer koristi i samom prinositelju koliko god zao bio; jer kao što su se nakon jedne riječi 'Ja sam' moji neprijatelji srušili na pod, tako nakon izricanja moje riječi: 'Ovo je moje tijelo' uzmiču zli duhovi i prestaju kušati dušu prinositelja; također se ne bi takvom odvažnošću usudili vratiti istome kad poslije opet ne bi uslijedila radost griješenja. Zato, iako pravednost zahtjeva osvetu, moje milosrđe pošteđuje sve i podnosi sve. Ali ako dnevno i zovem, rijetko tko odgovara kao što dnevno vidiš. Ipak, još ću jednom poslati riječi svojih usta; oni koji čuju će svoje dane ispuniti u radosti koja od slatkoće ne može biti izrečena niti zamišljena. Onima koji ih ne čuju će kao što je pisano u dušu i tijelo doći sedam zala; naći će ih kad budu razmišljali i čitali što se dogodilo da ne bi zadrhtali kad saznaju.“ Pedeset i devet poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici kako svećenik ima tri dužnosti: prvo, posvetiti tijelo Kristovo; drugo, čistoću tijela i duha; treće, brigu za svoju župu. Također treba imati knjigu i ulje; i o tome kako je svećenik Božji anđeo jer je njegova služba veća od one anđela. Kristove riječi zaručnici kako svećenik ima tri dužnosti: prvo, posvetiti tijelo Kristovo; drugo, čistoću tijela i duha; treće, brigu za svoju župu. Također treba imati knjigu i ulje; i o tome kako je svećenik Božji anđeo jer je njegova služba veća od one anđela. Šezdeseto poglavlje Zaručničine riječi Bogu o prijatnom načinu molitve pred Bogom. „Blagoslovljen Ti, moj stvoritelju i otkupitelju. Ne srdi se ako Ti govorim kao ozlijeđeni liječniku, kao ožalošćeni tješitelju, kao siromah onome tko je bogat i ima u izobilju; jer ozlijeđeni govori: 'O, liječniče, nemaj odvratnost prema meni ozlijeđenome jer si moj brat.' Ožalošćeni govori: 'O, najljubazniji tješitelju, ne preziri me jer sam u strahovima, već daj mom srcu mir i mojim osjećajima utjehu.' Siromah pak kaže: 'O, ti bogati kojemu ništa ne nedostaje, pogledaj me jer me ugrožava glad, gledaj kako sam gol i daj mi odjeću kojom se mogu ugrijati.' Tako i ja kažem: O, Ti svemoćni i najljubazniji Bože, razmatram rane mojih grijeha koje sam primila od svoje mladosti nadalje i uzdišem što je vrijeme prošlo neiskorišteno. Snage nisu dovoljne za rad jer su se iscrpile u ispraznostima. Zbog toga i zato jer si izvor sveg dobra i milosrđa Te molim da mi se smiluješ. Dodirni moje srce rukom svoje ljubavi jer Ti si najbolji liječnik; utješi moju dušu jer si dobar tješitelj.“ Šezdeset i prvo poglavlje Kako se đavao pojavio zaručnici kod podizanja tijela Kristova, razgovarao s njom i argumentima htio pokazati da ono što se podiže nije tijelo Kristovo. Ali odmah joj se pojavio anđeo Gospodnji i tješio ju je. Kako se Krist pojavio i prisilio đavla da pred kćeri kaže istinu. I kako tijelo Kristovo primaju kako dobri, tako i zli; i o prikladnom sredstvu u kušnjama protiv Kristove tjelesne prisutnosti. Za vrijeme podizanja tijela Kristova pojavio se jedan koji je bio potpuno crn i reče: „Zar vjeruješ, luđakinjo, da je ovaj komadić kruha Bog? Već bi se odavno pojeo i da je brijeg brjegova. Nitko od mudrih Židova kojima je mudrost dana od Boga ne vjeruje u to. Nitko ne bi trebao vjerovati ni da bi Bog dopustio da ga dotiče i voli potpuno nečist svećenik koji ima pseće srce. Trebaš priznati to što kažem. Ovaj svećenik je moj; ako želim, mogu ga uzeti.“ Odmah se pojavio dobar anđeo i reče: „Moja kćeri, ne odgovaraj budali prema njegovoj budalaštini; jer on koji ti se pojavio je otac laži; no budi spremna jer naš zaručnik je blizu.“ Taj je zaručnik, Isus, došao i reče đavlu: „Zašto uznemiruješ moju kćer i zaručnicu? Nazivam je kćeri jer sam je stvorio; zaručnicom zato jer sam je otkupio i vezao pomoću svoje ljubavi.“ Đavao odgovori: „Govorim zato jer mi je dopušteno i zato da se ohladi u Tvojoj službi.“ I Gospodin reče: „To je iskusila ove noći kad si joj pritiskao oči i preostale udove. Bio bi učinio još i veće da ti je bilo dopušteno; ipak, kad god se odupre tvojim nadahnućima, njezina se kruna udvostruči. No ti, đavle, budući da si rekao da bih i da sam brijeg bio odavno pojeden, odgovori mi pred ušima moje kćeri koja je tjelesna. Pismo govori da je kad je narod propadao podignuta mjedena zmija i pogledom na nju se izliječio svatko koga su zmije ozlijedile. Je li ta snaga liječenja proizašla od snage mjeda ili od slike zmije ili od Mojsijeve dobrote ili od neke skrivene božanske moći?“ Đavao odgovori: „Ta snaga liječenja nije proizašla od ničeg drugog doli jedino od čudesne Božje snage i vjere poslušnog naroda da je Bog koji čini sve iz ničega mogao učiniti i sve što prije nije bilo.“ Dalje reče Bog: „Reci, đavle, je li štap postao zmijom na Mojsijevu zapovijed ili na Božju zapovijed? Je li zato što je Mojsije bio svet ili jer su Božje riječi tako rekle?“ Đavao mu odvrati: „Što je Mojsije bio drugo doli slab čovjek, ali po Bogu pravedan na čiju je riječ, koju je Bog zapovjedio i dopustio, štap postao zmijom tako što je zaista Bog zapovjedio, a Mosije se kao sluga pokorio? Jer prije Božje zapovijedi je štap bio štap, a dok je Bog zapovjedio, štap je zaista postao zmija tako da se sam Mojsije bojao.“ Sad Gospodin reče zaručnici koja je ovo vidjela: „Tako je sad i na oltaru; jer prije sakramentalnih riječi je na oltar položeni kruh samo kruh, ali nakon što se izgovoreni riječ: 'Ovo je moje tijelo', postaje tijelo Kristovo koje uzimaju i dodiruju dobri i zli i to jedan kao i tisuću njih s istom istinom, ali ne s istim učinkom, dobrima na život, a zlima na sud. A kad je đavao rekao da je Bog okaljan svećenikovom nečistoćom, to je zaista neistinito. Ako gubav sluga pruža svojem gospodaru ključ ili bolesnik pruža jelo od jakih bilja, gospodaru neće škoditi jer tko god da je pružatelj, snaga ostaje ista i isto tako Bog po zlobi lošeg sluge ne postaje loš niti po dobrom bolji jer uvijek ostaje nepromjenjiv i isti. A kad je đavao o ovom svećeniku rekao da će vrlo brzo umrijeti, to zna pomoću lukavosti svoga bića i iz vanjskih uzroka, ali neće ga moći uzeti ako ja to ne dopustim. Ipak, ovaj svećenik je njegov ukoliko se ne popravi to zbog tri razloga. Baš zato je đavao rekao da ima smrdljive udove i pseće srce jer zaista smrdi i ima groznicu, izvana je topao, a iznutra hladan, ima nepodnošljivu žeđ, mlitavost udova, gađenje prema kruhu i odvratnost prema svemu slatkome. Topao je prema svijetu, a hladan prema Bogu, žeđa za radosti tijela, ima gađenje prema ljepoti vrlina; Božje zapovijedi mu nisu ukusne i žari za svim što je tjelesno. Zato se ne treba čuditi ako mu moje tijelo nema drukčiji okus od kruha pečenog u peći; jer on ne misli na duhovno djelo, već samo na tjelesno. Nakon što se izreče Jaganjče Božji i moje tijelo uzme u njegovo, od njega se povlači Očeva moć i Sinova najslađa prisutnost, a sa svetom odjećom od njega odlazi dobrota Duha Svetoga koji je veza sjedinjenja i ostaje mu samo oblik i pamćenje kruha. Ipak, ne smiješ misliti da je on ili bilo koji loš čovjek bez Boga. Iako se Bog od njega povlači i ne poklanja mu veću utjehu, time ipak ne odlazi nego ga podnosi i brani od đavla. A na to kad je đavao rekao da nitko među mudrim Židovima to ne želi vjerovati, odgovaram: Židovima je isto kao i onima koji su izgubili desno oko, zato šepaju na obje duhovne noge; baš zato su budalasti i ostat će sve do njihova kraja. Zato nije čudo što đavao zasljepljuje i stvrdnjava njihova srca i savjetuje ih na ono što je besramno i protiv vjere. Kad god zato neka takva misao u vezi s tijelom Kristovim dođe u tvoje srce, donesi je pred duhovne prijatelje i ostani postojana u vjeri jer sigurno znaš da je to tijelo koje sam primio od Djevice, koje je razapeto i koje upravlja u nebu isto ono na oltaru i primaju ga dobri kao i zli. Kao što sam se svojim učenicima koji su išli u Emaus pokazao u stranom obličju iako sam bio pravi čovjek i Bog i došao učenicima kroz zaključana vrata, tako se i svećenicima pokazujem u stranom obličju da bi vjera imala zaslugu i da bi se otkrila nezahvalnost ljudi. To nije čudo. Jer sad sam još uvijek onaj koji je moć svog božanstva pokazao strašnim znakovima, a ljudi ipak govore: 'Napravimo si bogove koji će ići ispred nas.' I Židovima sam pokazao svoje istinsko čovještvo i oni su ga razapeli. Ja, upravo isti, dnevno sam na oltaru, ali govori se: 'Imamo gađenje i odvratnost prema toj hrani.' Kakve veće nezahvalnosti može biti od toga da se pokuša razumom shvatiti Boga i usudi suditi o njegovim skrivenim odlukama i tajnama koje su u Njegovoj ruci? Zato ću neukima i poniznima pomoću nevidljiva djelovanja i vidljivim obličjem pokazati što je vidljivo obličje kruha bez kruha i bez tvari, što je tvar u svojem obličju i što je podjela u obliku bez tvari i zašto trpim takva poniženja i nakaznosti na svojem tijelu da bi ponizni bili uzvišeni, a oholi dovedeni u sramotu.“ Šezdeset i drugo poglavlje Gospodinove koreće riječi jednom svećeniku koji pokapa jednoga koji je umro u strpljivosti uz prisutnost zaručnice. Kako će Krist nepravednom svećeniku doći sa sedam tjelesnih i sedam muka i kako će onaj zbog svoje strpljivosti postići svu slavu. Kad je jedan svećenik pokapao jednog mrtvog koji je tri i pol godine bio bolestan, zaručnica je čula kako Duh govori: „Prijatelju, što činiš, kako se usuđuješ dodirnuti mrtvog kad su ti ruke krvave? Zašto za njega zoveš svemoćnog kad je tvoj glas kao žablji? Kako se usuđuješ za njega smirivati suca kad su tvoje kretnje i vladanje više izgledaju kao jednog lakrdijaša nego pobožnog svećenika? Zato će mrtvome biti korisna snaga mojih riječi, a ne tvoje djelo i njegova vjera i duga strpljivost će ga odvesti do krune.“ Dalje reče Duh zaručnici: „Ruke ovog svećenika su krvave jer su sva njegova djela tjelesna; njima ne može dotaknuti mrtvog jer mu neće moći pomoći svojim zaslugama, već samo po časti sakramenta. Dobri svećenici koriste dušama na dvostruk način; prvo snagom Gospodinova tijela, zatim vlastitom ljubavlju u kojoj gore. Njegov glas je kao žablji jer potpuno je posvećen zemaljskim djelima i požudi tijela; zato se ne uspinje k Bogu koji želi biti ublažen glasom ponizne ispovijedi i kajanja. I njegovo vladanje je kao jednog lakrdijaša; jer što lakrdijaš drugo čini nego da se ravna prema vladanju svjetovnih ljudi? Što drugo pjeva doli: 'Jedimo i pijmo i uživajmo radost u ovom životu'? Isto tako čini i ovaj; jer u odjeći i ponašanju se ravna prema svima da bi se svima svidio i svojim primjerom sve potiče na rasipnost tako što govori: 'Jedimo i pijmo jer Gospodin se tome raduje; to će nam biti dosta da dospijemo do vrata slave i iako mi uskrati ulaz, bit ć u sretan što sjedim kraj vrata, ne želim biti savršen.' To je opasan govor i kažnjiv život jer do vrata slave neće dospjeti nitko tko nije savršen ili savršeno očišćen i nitko neće postići savršenost ako to savršeno ne želi ili se za to ne trudi savršeno ako može. Ipak, ja, gospodar svih stvari, ulazim tom svećeniku, ali ne ostajem obuhvaćen niti okaljan. Ulazim kao zaručnik i izlazim kao sudac koji će suditi ako ga primatelj prezire. Zato ću kao što sam rekao svećenicima doći sa sedam muka. Otet će im se sve što su voljeli; bit će odbačeni od lica Božjeg i osuđeni u Njegovu gnjevu; bit će predani đavlu i patiti bez mira, biti prezreni od svih, imati nedostatak svih dobara i obilje svih zala. Na sličan način će biti mučeni sa sedam drugih tjelesnih muka kao Izraelova djeca. Zato se ne trebaš čuditi ako podnosim zle ili ako se prema mojem sakramentu pokazuje nešto nedostojno; jer patim sve do kraja da na dan iznesem svoju strpljivost i nezahvalnost ljudi. I nemoj misliti da se mojem tijelu događaju nedostojnost kao kad si čula da je ispljunuto, već se to događa da bi se otkrila i pokazala nezahvalnost ljudi da su nedostojni primiti nešto tako sveto.“ Potom Duh reče duši mrtvoga: „O, dušo, raduj se i kliči; jer tvoja te vjera odvojila od đavla; tvoja jednostavnost će ti skratiti dugi put čistilišta; tvoja strpljivost te dovela do vrata slave; moje milosrđe će te uvesti i okruniti.“ Šezdeset i treće poglavlje Kako se đavao pojavio zaručnici i kako ju je prividnim argumentima htio prevariti u vezi s sakramentom tijela Kristova i kako je Krist zaručnici došao u pomoć i prisilio da pred zaručnicom kaže istinu. O uvjerenju i vrlo korisnoj Kristovoj poduci zaručnici o njegovu slavnom tijelu u sakramentu. Dalje se zaručnici pojavio zli duh s dugim trbuhom i reče: „Što vjeruješ, ženo, i o čemu velikome razmišljaš? I ja znam mnogo i želim ti jasnim riječima dokazati svoje riječi; no savjetujem ti da prestaneš razmišljati o nevjerojatnome, već vjeruj svojim osjetilima. Ne vidiš li očima, ne čuješ li ušima svoga tijela slamanje hostije iz materijalnog kruha? Nisi li vidjela kako se slama, dodiruje, nečasno baca na zemlju i kako se s njom čini mnogo toga što ja na sebi ne bih trpio? No kad bi bilo moguće da se Bog nalazi u ustima pravednih, kako bi sišao nepravednima čija je škrtost beskrajna i neumjerena?“ Neposredno nakon ove kušnje ukazao se Krist u ljudskom obličju i ona mu reče: „O, Gospodine Isuse Kriste, zahvaljujem Ti za sve, posebno za tri milosti. Prvo, što odijevaš moju dušu tako što si joj ulio pokoru i kajanje čime ispiru svi grijesi koliko god teški bili; drugo, hraniš dušu tako što joj ulijevaš svoje tijelo i sjećanje na Tvoje patnje čime se duša osvježuje kao najboljim jelom; treće, tješiš sve koji Te zovu u nevolji. Zato, Gospodine, smiluj mi se i pomogni mojoj vjeri; jer iako zavrjeđujem biti predana izrugivanju đavla, ipak vjerujem da bez Tvojeg dopuštenja ne može ništa, a i Tvoje dopuštenje nije bez utjehe.“ Potom Krist reče đavlu: „Zašto razgovaraš s mojom novom zaručnicom? “ Đavao mu odgovori: „Jer je bila vezana uz mene i još se nadam zaplesti je u svoju mrežu; bila je vezana uz mene jer je više težila svidjeti se meni i mojim savjetima nego Tebi, svojem stvoritelju. Nadgledao sam njezine putove i još ih nisam zaboravio iz svojeg pamćenja.“ Gospodin odgovori: „Ti si dakle urotnik i uhoda svih putova?“ Đavao mu odvrati: „Zaista sam uhoda, ali u mraku jer si me Ti učinio mračnim.“ A Gospodin reče: „Kad si mogao vidjeti i kad si postao mračan?“ „Ja sam“, reče đavao, „moga vidjeti kad si me stvorio u najvišoj ljepoti; no budući da sam drsko navalio u Tvoj sjaj, oslijepljen sam kao bazilisk. Vidio sam te kad sam želio Tvoju ljepotu; vidio sam Te i prepoznao u svojoj savjesti kad si me odbio; prepoznao sam Te i u primljenu tijelu i učinio što si mi dopustio; prepoznao sam Te kad si mi svojim uskrsnućem oteo svoje zarobljene. Svaki dan prepoznajem Tvoju moć kojom se rugaš mojoj i činiš mi sramotu.“ A Gospodin reče: „Ako me poznaješ i znaš istinu o meni, zašto onda lažeš mojim odabranima kad znaš istinu o meni? Nisam li rekao da će onaj tko jede moje meso živjeti vječno? Ali ti kažeš da je to laž i da nitko ne jede moje tijelo. Tako je moj narod veći služitelj idola nego onaj koji se klanja kamenju i idolima. Iako sve znam, ipak mi odgovori tako da ova koja ovdje stoji čuje budući da duhovno može razumjeti samo usporedbom. Kad me Toma nakon moga uskrsnuća dotakao, je li tijelo koje je dodirnuo bilo duhovno ili tjelesno? I ako je bilo tjelesno, kako je onda ušlo kroz zaključana vrata? Ako je bilo duhovno, kako je onda bilo vidljivo tjelesnim očima?“ Đavao odgovori: „Teško je govoriti kad je govornik svima sumnjiv i protiv volje prisiljen govoriti istinu. No ipak ću prisiljen reći da si u uskrsnuću bio kako duhovan tako i tjelesan i zato zbog vječne snage božanstva i duhovne prednosti proslavljenog tijela ideš posvuda i možeš biti posvuda.“ Dalje reče Bog: „Kad se Mojsijev štap pretvorio u zmiju, reci mi je li to bila samo slika zmije ili je potpuno izvana i iznutra bila zmija i reci je su li one posude kruha i komadi kruha bili pravi kruh ili samo slika kruha?“ Đavao odgovori: „Štap je potpuno bio zmija, ono u posudama potpuno kruh i sve se to dogodilo po Tvojom snazi i moći.“ I Gospodin reče: „Zar bi mi možda trebalo biti teže nego onda učiniti slično ili još veće čudo kad mi se svidi? Ili ako je moje odonda proslavljeno tijelo moglo kroz zaključana vrata ući apostolima, zašto sad ne bi moglo biti u rukama svećenika? Ili je li možda za moje božanstvo teško spojiti najniže s najvišim, nebesko sa zemaljskim? Nikako! Ali ti si zaista otac laži; kao što je tvoja zloba nadasve velika, tako je i moja ljubav i bit će nad svima. Ako se nekome i čini da je vidio kako sakrament gori, drugome da se gazi nogama, ja znam vjeru svih i sve uređujem u mjeri i strpljivosti, ja koji iz ničega stvaram nešto i iz nevidljivoga vidljivo, koji oblikom mogu pokazati nešto vidljivo što je zapravo nešto drugo nego što se čini.“ Đavao odgovori: „Da je to istina doživljavam svaki dan kad se ljudi, moji prijatelji, udaljavaju od mene i postaju Tvoji prijatelji. Ali što da dalje kažem? Rob prepušten sam sebi dovoljno pokazuje kroz svoju volju što bi želio provesti u djelo kad bi mu bilo dozvoljeno?“ Nato Sin Božji odvrati. „Vjeruj mi, kćeri moja, da sam ja, Krist, obnovitelj života, a ne izdajica, istinski i sam istina, ali ne lažljivac i vječna moć bez koje ništa nije bilo i ništa neće biti. Jer ako imaš vjeru da sam u svećenikovim rukama čak i ako svećenik sumnja, ipak sam zbog vjere vjernika i prisutnih i zbog riječi koju sam sam postavio i izrekao zaista u njegovim rukama. Svatko tko me prima, prima moje božanstvo i obličje kruha. Što je Bog doli život i slatkoća, svjetlo koje obasjava, dobro koje veseli, pravednost koja ravna i milosrđe koje spašava? I što je moje čovještvo doli najokretnije tijelo, veza između Boga i čovjeka, glava svih kršćana? Tako svatko tko vjeruje u Boga i prima moje tijelo, prima samo božanstvo jer prima život; prima i čovještvo pomoću kojeg se Bog i čovjek povezuju; prima i obličje kruha jer on koji je u svojem obličju skriven, prima se u drugom radi provjere vjere. Na sličan način i zao prima božanstvo, al ine blago, nego koje kažnjava; prima i čovještvo, ali mu je manje milostivo; prima i obličje kruha jer pod vidljivim obličjem prima skrivenu istinu, ali bez da mu je slatkoća slatka. Jer kad me približava svojim ustima i svojim zubima, nakon primanja sakramenta odlazim sa čovještvom i božanstvom i ostaje mu samo obličje kruha. Ne da kod zlih nisam istinski tamo kao kod dobrih zbog ustanovljenja sakramenta, već zato jer dobri i zli ne primaju jednako djelovanje. Na kraju se čovjeku u hostiji pruža život, naime sam Bog, i život ulazi u njega, ali ne ostaje kod zlih jer ne odustaju od zla i zato njihovim osjetilima ostaje samo obličje kruha koje u njima nema djelovanje jer kod primanja ne misle ništa drugo nego kao da vide i opažaju samo obličje kruha i vina kao kad moćni gospodar uđe nekom čovjeku u kuću i njegova prisutnost se vidi, ali njegova dobrota se zanemaruje.“ Šezdeset i četvrto poglavlje Majčine riječi kćeri o tome kako je njezin Sin uspoređen sa siromašnim seljakom i kako dobre i zle pogađaju nevolje i kušnje, dobre kroz strpljenje za čišćenje i krunjenje. Majka reče: „Moj Sin je kao siromašan seljak koji, budući da ne posjeduje bika i magarca, osobno nosi drvo iz šume i druge alate koji su mu potrebni da bi dovršio svoj posao. Između ostalih alata je nosio i male šibe koje su nužne iz dva razloga: da bi kaznio neposlušna sina i ugrijao hladne. Tako je i moj Sin, gospodar i stvoritelj svih stvari, postao potpuno siromašan da bi sve obogatio vječnim, a ne prolaznim bogatstvom; na svojim je leđima nosio težak teret, naime gorki križ i svojom krvlju je čistio i uklonio grijehe svih. Tijekom svog preostalog djelovanja izabrao je alate vrlina, to jest čestite muškarce koji su pod sudjelovanjem Božjeg Duha zapalili mnoga srca za Božju ljubav i otkrili put istine. Izabrao si je i šibe koje su ljubitelji svijeta kojima se kažnjavaju djeca i Božji prijatelji da bi se odgojili i čistili za njihovu veću sigurnost i nagradu. Šibe griju hladnu djecu i kad postanu vatrena za Boga, griju i Božje srce za njih. Ali kako? Bez sumnje, kad svjetovni ljudi pripremaju nevolje Božjim prijateljima i onima koji Boga samo iz straha pred kazne. Ovi se onda to revnije okreću Bogu nakon što su razmotrili ispraznost svijeta i Bog ima milosrđe pri njihovim nevoljama i šalje im utjehu i ljubav. Ali što će biti sa šibama nakon što se djeca istuku? Sigurno će biti bačeni u goruću vatru; jer Bog ne prezire svoj narod kad ga prepušta rukama bezbožnika, već kao što otac odgaja sina, tako se i Bog služi zlobom bezbožnih radi krunjenja svojih.“ Šezdeset i peto poglavlje Riječi opomene zaručnici koje kroz primjer pokazuju kako se Božji prijatelji ne bi trebali prezasititi poslom propovijedanja niti ga pustiti i o velikoj plaći takvih. Majka reče: „Trebaš biti kao prazna posuda koja je prikladna da je se napuni i koja nije preširoka za svoje punjenje, ali niti tako duboka da nema dno. Ta je posuda tvoje tijelo koje je prazno onda kad je slobodno od požudnih želja. Nije preširoko kad je tijelo razborito disciplinirano tako da duša može razumjeti, a tijelo je tako jako da može raditi. Posuda je bez dna dok se tijelo nikakvim odricanjem ne drži zauzdano i kad se tijelu ne odbija što duh želi. Ali čuj sad što kažem. Moj sluga je izrekao nepromišljenu riječ tako što je rekao: 'Što da govorim o onome što se ne dotiče mog staleža?' Takva riječ ne dolikuje Božjem sluzi; jer svaki koji čuje i zna istinu i prešućuje je, ogrješuje se i zaslužuje svaki prezir. Bio jednom jedan gospodar koji je posjedovao čvrsti dvorac u koji je položio četverostruko bogatstvo, naime: neraspadljivu hranu koja smiruje svaku glad; ljekovitu vodu koja gasi svaku žeđ; mirišljavi miris koji odvodi sve otrovno i nužno oružje koje slabi svakog neprijatelja. Dok je gospodar bio drugdje zaposlen, dvorac je bio pod opsadom i kad je to čuo, rekao je svojem sluzi glasniku: 'Idi i glasno zovi moje ratnike i reci im moje riječi: Ja, gospodar, oslobodit ću svoj dvorac; tko god me slijedi s dobrom voljom, bit će sa mnom u slavi i bit će mi sličan u časti; tko padne u borbi, njega ću probuditi na život u kojem nema nikakvog nedostatka ni straha i dat ću im neprestanu čast i nepresušno bogatstvo.' Kad je sluga tako primio zapovijed, zvao je; ali nije bio dovoljno revan u zvanju, tako da poziv nije došao do najhrabrijeg ratnika i on nije mogao sudjelovati u borbi. Što će sad gospodar učiniti s ratnikom koji se htio boriti, ali nije čuo glasnikov glas? Bez sumnje će ga nagraditi prema njegovoj volji, ali lijeni glasnik neće ostati nekažnjen. Ovaj dvorac predstavlja svetu Crkvu ustanovljenu krvlju moga Sina u kojoj se nalaze njegovo tijelo koje smiruje svaku glad, voda evanđeoske mudrosti, miris primjera njegovih svetih i oružja njegove patnje. No sad je pod opsadom neprijatelja jer se u Crkvi nalaze mnogi koji glasom propovijedaju moga Sina, ali mu svojim vladanjem ne odgovaraju. Da, ako riječju i pristaju Gospodinu, protive se voljom i ne brinu se za svoju nebesku domovinu, već samo žele zadovoljiti svoju putenost. Da bi se tako Božji neprijatelji smanjili, Božji prijatelji ne smiju postati ravnodušni jer naplata neće biti vremenita, već takva koja ne zna kraja.“ Šezdeset i šesto poglavlje Majčine riječi zaručnici kako vremenita dobra ako ih se posjeduje u skromnosti ne štete ukoliko želja za njihovim posjedovanjem nije neuredna. Majka reče: „Što šteti ako je netko iglom ili željezom uboden u odjeću ukoliko meso nije ozlijeđeno? Tako i vremenita dobra ne štete ako ih se skromno posjeduje i sklonost za posjedovanjem nije neuredna. Zato obrati pozornost na svoje srce da bi tvoja namjera bila dobra jer po tebi među druge trebaju biti razlivene Božje riječi. Jer kao što vrata na brani vodenog mlina zaustavlja vodu i opet je pušta da ide kad treba, tako i ti kad na tebe nasrnu raznolike misli i kušnje moraš brižno obratiti pozornost da ono što je isprazno i svjetovno odbaciš. Što je božansko, treba se neprestano zadržati u pamćenju kao što je pisano da su niže vode otjecale, a više su stajale kao zid. Niže vode su misli tijela i nekorisne pohlepe koje moraju otječi i ne se osvrtati na njih; više vode su Božja nadahnuća i riječi svetih; one trebaju ostati u srcu kao zid tako da nikakvom kušnjom ne mogu biti otrgnute iz srca.“ Šezdeset i sedmo poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici koje izlažu njegovu slavu i kako sve ostaje prema Njegovu uređenju osim bijednih duša grešnika; o svemu se govori primjerima. Kako u djelima treba čuvati volju. Sin reče zaručnici: „Ja sam s Ocem i Duhom Svetim jedan Bog. U providnosti moga božanstva je sve od početka i prije svih vremena predviđeno i ustanovljeno. Sve, kako tjelesno tako i duhovno, slijedi određeno povezivanje i red i sve stoji ili ide prema onome što je uređeno i zna se unaprijed u mojem znanju. To možeš vidjeti iz tri primjera. Prvo na životu koji dolazi od žene, a ne muškarca; drugo, na stablima jer slatko nosi sladak plod, a gorko svoj plod; treće, na zvijezdama jer sunce, mjesec i sva nebeska tijela vrše svoje kretanje prema onome što je unaprijed određeno u mojem božanstvu; tako su razumne duše u mojem božanstvu unaprijed znane i prepoznate što će postati; moje znanje unaprijed doduše za njih nikako nije bilo i nije prepreka; jer dao sam im slobodno kretanje volje, to jest slobodnu volju i moć birati što im se sviđa. Kao što žena, a ne muškarac, rađa, tako i dobra duša, Božja žena, mora, rađati uz Božju pomoć jer je duša stvorena zato da napreduje u vrlinama i plodno raste po sjemenu vrlina i dođe u ruke božanske ljubavi. Duša pak koja se odmetne od svojeg podrijetla i svojeg stvoritelja i ne donosi mu ploda djeluje protiv Božjeg uređenja i zato je nedostojna Božje slatkoće. Drugo, nepromjenjivo Božje uređenje se pokazuje na stablima; jer slatka stabla donosi što je slatko, a koja su nasuprot tome gorka, donose što je gorko; u datulji je oboje: slatkoća i gorka jezgra. Isto tako je od vječnosti predodređeno da je tamo gdje je Duh Sveti stanovnik sva svjetovna radost mrska, sva svjetovna slava mrska. U takvu srcu je i snaga Božjeg Duha i njezina čvrstoća tako velika da ga nikakva nestrpljivost ne može slomiti, nikakva protivnost srušiti, nikakva sreća uzdići. Tako je i od vječnosti predviđeno da je gdje je đavlov trn izvana crven plod, ali iznutra punina nečistoće i bodlje. I u đavlovoj radosti je trenutna i prividna slatkoća; ali ispunjena je trnjem i nevoljama i što se više netko zapliće u svijet, to se težim teretom odgovornosti tovari. Kao što tako svako stablo donosi onakav plod kakvi su deblo i korijen, tako će svaki čovjek biti suđen prema namjeri svoga djelovanja. Treće, svi elementi ostaju u svojem redu i pokretu kao što je predviđeno od vječnosti i kreću se prema stvoriteljevoj volji. Tako i svako razumno biće treba biti spremno kretati se prema stvoriteljevu uređenju. Čini li suprotno, jasno je da zloporabi svoju slobodnu volju i dok se nerazumna bića drže svojih granica, razuman se čovjek odmeće i navlači si težak sud jer nije koristio razum. Zato se čovječja volja mora čuvati jer đavlu ne činim ništa više nepravde nego svojim anđelima jer kao što Bog od svoje čiste zaručnice traži onu neizrecivu slatkoću, tako đavao kod svoje zaručnice traži trnje i bodlje. Ipak, đavao u nikome neće dobiti premoć ako mu volja nije bila pokvarena.“ Šezdeset i osmo poglavlje Majčine riječi zaručnici o jednoj lisici. Kako lukavi đavao slično lisici na različite i raznolike načine kušnji vara ljude i trudi ih se osobito prevariti one koje vidi da napreduju u dobru. Majka reče: „Postoji mala životinja zvana lisica; ona je brižljiva i puna sve lukavštine da si priskrbi sve svoje potrebe. Ponekad se postavlja kao da spava i kao da je mrtva da bi to slobodnije mogla loviti i proždrijeti ptice koje se spuštaju na nju što se neopreznije spuste. Lisica obraća pozornost i na let ptica i one koje vidi da se od iznemoglosti spustile na zemlju pod stablo otima i pojede; one pak koje svojim dvama krilima odlete je posramljuju i ometaju njezin trud. Ta lisica je đavao koji stalno progoni Božje prijatelje i posebno one koji nemaju žuč njegove zlobe i otrov njegove jalovosti. Postavlja se kao da spava ili je mrtav; jer ponekad pušta čovjeka teških kušnji da bi ga kad se najmanje ne čuva to slobodnije prevario i zapleo. Ponekad daje da porok izgleda kao vrlina i nasuprot tome vrlina kao porok da bi čovjeka doveo u zabunu i ako mu oprezna pamet ne pomogne, propadne. To ćeš shvatiti kroz primjer. Milosrđe je ponekad porok, naime kad vrši da bi se svidjelo ljudima. Snažno izvršavanje pravednosti je nepravednost ako slijedi iz pohlepe i nestrpljivosti. Poniznost je oholost kad se vrši da se svrati pozornost na sebe i da se bude primijećen od ljudi. Vrlina strpljivosti se može pokazati bez da to zaista jest kad se ukoliko se može zbog pretrpljene nepravde želi osvetiti, ali se podnosi jer se ne može naći vrijeme prikladno za osvetu. Ponekad đavao pušta nevolje i brige da se čovjek rastopi u preobilju tuge; ponekad đavao u srce sipa strahove i brige da bi čovjek postao mlačan u Božjoj službi ili da bi čovjek kad je najmanjem neoprezan propao u veće. Tako je ovoga o kojem govorim prevarila lisica. Kad je u starosti sve imao po želji i već je rekao da je sretan i želi živjeti, bio je ščepan bez sakramenata i bez da je položio račun za svoja djela i svoje vlasništvo jer je kao mrav skupljao danju i noću, ali ne u Gospodinovu žitnicu, ali kad je otvorio svoje spremište da uvede svoje zrnje, umro je i drugima prepustio plod svojeg truda. Jer tko u vrijeme žetve ne skuplja na plodan način, neće se radovati sjemenkama. Zato su sretne Gospodinove ptice koje ne spavaju po drvećem svjetovnih radosti već na drveću nebeske želje i kad ih zahvati kušnja lisice, nepravednog đavla, vrlo brzo odlete na oba krila, naime poniznosti u ispovijedi i nadi u nebesku pomoć.“ Objašnjenje Krist, Sin Božji, reče: „Ovaj prior ima ulogu biskupa. Tko se dakle želi popeti na stablo slatkog ploda i skinuti slatki plod, mora biti lak i bez tereta, opasan i jak za skupljanje i mora imati čistu posudu da u nju položi plodove. Tako se i ovaj od sad mora truditi svoje tijelo krasiti vrlinama tako da mu bude dovoljno što je nužno, a ne izobilno, da bježi od prilike neumjerenosti, da se pokazuje kao čisto ogledalo i kao uzor za nesavršene ljude. Inače će ga pogoditi strašan kraj, iznenadni pad i udarac moje ruke.“ Tako se i dogodilo. Šezdeset i deveto poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici kako su dobro ponašanje i dobra djela svećenika predstavljena jasnim vodama, a zlo ponašanje i zla djela odvratnim i mutnim vodama. Sin reče: „Iz tri se stvari može prosuditi da voda nekog izvora nije dobra. Prvo, ako nema doličnu boju; drugo, ako je prljava; treće, ako voda stalno stoji, nije u pokretu i prima dolazeću prljavštinu bez da je izbacuje. Pod tom vodom podrazumijevam ponašanje i srca svećenika koji kao i izvori da bi se s njih pilo moraju biti slatki u milini ponašanja i zatvoreni prema svoj prljavštini poroka. Zato je osobita boja svećenika istinska poniznost tako da se u mislima i djelima to više ponizuje što više na sebi prepoznaje obveze da mora raditi za Boga. Oholost je boja đavla. I kao što ruka gubavca kad iz izvora uzima vodu čini vodu odvratnom onima koji je vide, tako oholost svećenika daje prepoznati da su njegova djela zaprljana. Voda je prljava onda kad je svećenik pohlepan i ne zadovoljava se nužnim; kako je sam sebi nekoristan i nema mir, taj je tako i drugima primjerom pohlepe štetan. Treće, voda je nečista ako prima prljavštinu, ali je ne izbacuje; to se događa kad nema otjecanje i nedostaje joj pokret. Tako je nečist svećenik koji voli požudu tijela u srcu i na tijelu i istinskim kajanjem ne izbacuje sve nečisto što mu se dogodi. Jer kao što je mrlja na tijelu posvuda odvratna, ali najviše na licu, tako nečistoća svima treba biti omražena, a osobito onima koji su pozvani nečem slavnijem. Tako mojem djelu trebaju biti probrani oni svećenici koji nemaju preopširno znanje, već poniznost i čistoću, koji sami žive duhovno i druge odgajaju riječima i primjerom; jer i gubava ruka je korisna za moje djelo ako je namjera dobra i ne nedostaje duhovna ruka.“ Sedamdeseto poglavlje Majčine riječi u kojima pripovijeda muku njezina blagoslovljena Sina po redu i o obličju i ljepoti njezina Sina. Majka reče: „Kad se približavala muka moga Sina, u strahu pred mukom su u njegovim očima bile suze, znoj na njegovu tijelu; ubrzo je bio uzet mojem pogledu i nisam ga vidjela sve dok nije bio doveden na bičevanje. Ovdje su ga vukli po zemlji i udarali i bacili tako okrutno da mu se glava protresla i zubi se razbili, a udarac po vratu i obrazu je bio silan da je zvuk došao sve do mojih ušiju. Potom je na krvnikovu zapovijed sam skinuo odjeću, dobrovoljno zagrlio stup, čvrsto su ga vezali za njega i cijelo tijelo su mu izbrazdali i rastrgali bodljikavim bičevima čije su se bodlje zabijale i povlačile natrag. Kod prvog udarca kao da sa dobila udarac u srce i izgubila sam osjetila i kad sam se nakon nekog vremena probudila, vidjela sam njegovo tijelo razderano; jer kad su ga bičevali, bio je po cijelom tijelu razodjeven. Onda je jedan od njegovih neprijatelja rekao prisutnim krvnicima: 'Želite li ovog čovjeka ubiti bez presude i na sebe preuzeti krivnju njegove smrti?' Kod tih riječi je razrezao veze. Nakon što je moj Sin bio odvezan, okrenuo se prema svojoj odjeći, ali nisu mu dopustili da je stavi, već dok su ga vukli dalje, prvo je stavio ruke u rukave. Odonda kad je stajao kod stupa njegovi otisci stopala su bili puni krvi tako da sam po krvavim tragovima mogla prepoznati sve korake koje je učinio prilikom hodanja; krv koja mu je tekla s lica brisao je haljinom. Nakon svoje presude je noseći križ izveden, ali mu je putem drugi pridodan kao nositelj. Nakon što se došlo na mjesto razapinjanja, gledaj, tamo su, gledaj, bili pripremljeni čekić i četiri oštra čavla; na zapovijed je skinuo sa sebe svoju odjeću, a svoju je golotinju pokrio malom lanenom krpom i kao utješen se otišao dati vezati. Oblik križa je bio takav da su se ruke križa dizale u visinu tako da su ramena moga Sina došla na mjesto gdje su ruke križa spojene s uspravnom gredom i križ glavi nigdje nije nudio oslonac. Ploče s natpisom su bile pričvršćene na obje ruke križa koje su se dizale iznad glave. Nakon što mu je zapovjeđeno, legao je svojim leđima na križ i ispružio je prvo svoju desnu ruku; potom je druga ruka, koja nije sezala do drugog krila, morala bila rastegnuta. Na sličan su način su i noge bile rastegnute do rupa za čavle, prekrižene su i tamo gdje su kosti najčvršće, pričvršćene su s dva čavla na gredu križa kao što se učinilo i s rukama. Kod prvog udarca čekića sam došla izvan sebe i nakon što sam se opet probudila, vidjela sam svog Sina razapetog i čula sam ljude kako su međusobno jedan drugome govorili: 'Što je ovaj učinio, krađu, pljačku, laž?' Neki su odgovarali da je lažljivac. Potom mu je trnova kruna koja se sezala do polovice čela tako jako pritisnuta na glavu da mu je krv potekla po cijelom licu i napunila je oči, kosu i bradu tako da je sve skoro izgledalo kao jedan tok krvi i nije me mogao vidjeti kako stojim kod križa ako stiskanjem očnih kapaka nije istisnuo krv. Nakon što me povjerio svojem učeniku, uzdignute glave usmjerene prema nebu je glasom koji je prodirao iz dubine prsa i očima napunjenima suzama povikao: 'Bože moj, Bože moj, zašto si me ostavio?' Taj povik nisam mogla zaboraviti sve do svojeg uznesenja na nebo, no pustio ga je više iz sažaljenja sa mnom nego iz vlastite patnje. Onda je na dijelove koje je krv još dopuštala vidjeti došla mrtvačka boja i obrazi su potonuli do zubi. Njegova gola rebra su se mogla prebrojati. Njegov se trbuh potisnuo prema leđima nakon što su istekli sokovi, nos je bio šiljast i tanak, i kad je srce bilo pred slomom, cijelo njegovo tijelo je zadrhtalo; njegova brada se položila na prsa. Izvan sebe sam pala na zemlju. Nakon su se čim je preminuo usta otvorila, gledatelji su mogli vidjeti jezik, zube, krv u ustima; napola zatvorene oči su bile okrenute prema dolje i već mrtvo tijelo je visjelo prema dolje. Koljena su se savila na jednu stranu, a noge oko čavala kao oko šarki na drugu stranu. Za to vrijeme su neki ljudi koji su bili prisutni kao na porugu govorili: 'O, Marijo, tvoj Sin je sad mrtav!' Drugi koji su imali dublji osjećaj su govorili: 'O, ženo, muka tvoga sina je završila u vječnoj slavi.' Kratko nakon toga otvoren mu je bok, a nakon što je koplje izvučeno, krv na šiljku je izgledala kao smeđa čime se moglo prepoznati kako je srce probodeno. Taj je ubod probo i moje srce i čudo je da se i ono samo nije slomilo. Kad su se preostali povukli, nisam se mogla otići. Ali bila sam utješena što sam njegovo s križa skinuto tijelo sad mogla dodirnuti i uzeti u svoje krilo, ispitati njegove rane i obrisati krv. Moji su mu prsti zatvorili usta i isto tako sam mu sklopila oči. Ukočene ruke ipak nisam mogla saviti da ih položim na prsa, već sam ih mogla dovesti samo do trbuha. Ni koljena se nisu mogla rastegnuti uspravno, već su stajala uvis kao što su se ukočila na križu.“ Dalje reče Majka: „Mojeg Sina ne možeš vidjeti kakav je u nebu; ali čuj kakav je na svijetu bio u tijelu. U licu je bio tako lijep da ga nitko nije mogao pogledati u lice a da ga njegov pogled ne bi utješno razveselio čak ako je u srcu bio i ožalošćen. Pravedni su bili utješeni duhovnom utjehom. Da, i zli za vrijeme kad su ga vidjeli bili slobodno od žalosti svijeta zbog čega su tugujući njegovali reći: 'Pođimo vidjeti Marijina sina da barem dokle smo tamo budemo bez tuge.' U dvadesetoj godini svoje starosti bio je savršen u muškoj veličini i snazi. Bio je velik kao ljudi srednje veličine u ono vrijeme, nije bio popunjen, ali je io dobro građen u mišićima imao je snažne kosti. Njegova kosa, njegove obrve i brada bili su smeđi; njegova brada je bila duga kao jedna šaka; njegovo čelo nije bilo ni izbočeno ni utisnuto, već se uspravno uzdizalo; njegov nos je bio skladan, ni malen ni velik; njegove su oči bile tako čiste da su se i njegovi neprijatelji radovali vidjeti ga; njegove usnice nisu bile debele i bile su svjetlo crvene; njegova brada se nije isticala i nije bila preduga, već je bila ljupka u skladu; njegovi obrazi su bili umjereno ispunjeni, njihova boja svjetla bijela pomiješana sa svježom crvenom; njegovo držanje je bilo uspravno i na cijelu njegovu tijelu nije bilo mrlje kao što su posvjedočili oni koji su ga vidjeli potpuno razodjevena i koji su ga nakon što je bio vezan za stup bičevali. Na njega nikad nije došao crv, niti je u njegovoj kosi ikad bilo čvora ili prljavštine.“ Sedamdeset i prvo poglavlje Ljupka pitanja koja Krist postavlja zaručnici i zaručničini ponizni odgovori Kristu i kako Krist zaručnici postavlja tri hvalevrijedna stanja na izbor, naime djevičanstvo, bračno i udovičko stanje. Sin Božji reče zaručnici: „Odgovori mi na četiri pitanja. Ako bi netko prijatelju dao plodan trs kojeg bi doduše htio zadržati kod svoje kuće jer ga pogled na njega i njegov miris raduju, što bi morao reći darivanome kad bi ovaj tražio trs da ga posadi na drugo mjesto gdje bi mogao nositi bogatiji plod?“ Zaručnica odgovori: „Ako je dao iz ljubavi i želi dobro svojem prijatelju, sigurno bi dopustio prijatelju da čini s trsom što želi tako što bi mu rekao: 'O, moj prijatelju, iako bih trs rado imao u blizini, radujem se budući da mi ne donosi mnogo ploda što ga ćeš ako možeš premjestiti na plodnije mjesto.'“ Gospodin upita drugo: „Ako roditelji mladiću daju svoju kćer djevicu i djevica da svoj pristanak mladiću, ali mladić, pitan od svojih roditelja želi li imati djevicu ili ne, ne da nikakav odgovor, bi li djevica bila zaručena s njim ili ne?“ Ona odgovori: „Kako mi se čini djevica nije zaručena jer muškarac nije izrazio svoju volju.“ Gospodin reče treće: „Plemeniti mladić je stajao među tri djevice i dao im je prijedlog da će ona od njih koja ga svojim riječima zapali na najveću ljubav primiti ono što on najžarkije voli. Na to reče prva: 'Toliko jako volim ovog mladića da bih prije umrla nego se okaljala drugim.' Druga reče: 'Radije bih trpjela sve muke prije nego bih rekla jednu jedinu riječ protiv njegove volje ili na njegovu uvredu.' Treća reče: 'Radije bih sebi željela sve sramote i da trpim sve muke prije nego bih na njemu htjela vidjeti najmanje preziranje ili njegovu sramotu.' Reci mi sad“, reče Gospodin, „koja od tri djevice je najviše voljela mladića i kojoj pripada prednost njegove ljubavi?“ Ona odgovori: „Kako mi se čini, sve su jednako voljele jer su sve bile jedno srce prema njemu i zato su sve bile jednako dostojne imati njegovu ljubav.“ Gospodin reče četvrto: „Bio jednom jedan prijatelj koji je drugoga pitao za savjet; 'Imam', reče, 'vrlo plodno pšenično zrno; posije li se u zemlju, iz toga će biti veliki usjev. Ali sad sam vrlo gladan, što ti se čini pogodnije, da sad pojedem zrno ili ga posijem u zemlju?' Prijatelj odgovori: 'Ta se glad može utišati na druge načine pa ti bolje koristi da se posije u zemlju.' Ne čini li ti se isto tako, kćeri moja, da onaj koji je gladan mora to podnositi, a nasuprot tome zrno koje će koristiti mnogima mora biti posijano?“ Gospodin dalje reče: „Ove četiri izreke se tiču tebe; jer tvoja kćer je trs koji si mi obećala i poklonila. No sad kad znam prikladnije mjesto za nju, želim je presaditi gdje mi se sviđa. Ne trebaš se brinuti zbog toga jer si se složila s presađivanjem.“ Gospodin reče još dalje: „Ti si mi dala svoju kćer, ali još ti nisam pokazao što mi je prijatnije, njezino ustrajanje u djevičanstvu ili njezina udaja niti je li mi se tvoja svidjela ili nije. Budući da sam sad pokazao ono što je sigurno, ono što se dogodilo u nesigurnosti se može popraviti i promijeniti.“ Dalje reče Gospodin: „Djevičanstvo je dobro i najviše jer čini sličnim anđelima ukoliko se čuva razumno i časno. No ako je jedno bez drugoga, naime djevičanstvo tijela bez djevičanstva srca, to je loše izgrađeno djevičanstvo. Jedna ponizna i pobožna udana mi je prijatnija od ohole i besramne djevice. Udana koja živi povučeno i prema svojem stanju u strahu Gospodnjem može biti iste zasluge kao čista i ponizna djevica. Ako je nešto veliko biti u vatri čuvanja i ne gorjeti, onda je jednako tako veliko biti izvan vatre nekog reda i radije htjeti biti u vatri i gorjeti većom vatrenosti nego onaj u vatri. Gledaj, pokazat ću ti trostruki primjer. Bile su tri žene: Suzana, Judita i Tekla. Prva je bila supruga, druga udovica, treća djevica. One nisu imale jednak život i nisu imale jednaku namjeru; no ipak su prema zasluzi svoga ponašanja međusobno jednake. Suzana je naposljetku kad su je starješine kušale i lažno optužile radije iz božanske ljubavi radije htjela umrijeti nego se dati okaljati protiv svoje dužnosti i budući da me se kao posvuda prisutnog bojala, zaslužila je da bude spašena i nakon spasenja slavljena. Kad je Judita vidjela moje omalovažavanje i sramotu svoga naroda, bila je toliko ožalošćena da se iz božanske ljubavi nije samo izložila sramoti i šteti, već je bila i spremna za mene trpjeti muku. Tekla pak koja je bila djevica je radije htjela podnijeti gorku muku nego reći samo jednu riječ protiv mene. Ove tri se iako nisu vodile isti način života slažu u zasluzi. Supruga, djevica ili udovica, sve će mi se moći jednako svidjeti ako im sva želja stoji prema meni i život im je dobar.“ Osim toga Gospodin još reče: „Bilo da tvoja kćer ostane u djevičanstvu ili se uda, jednako mi je prijatno ako se učini prema mojoj volji. Jer što bi joj koristilo ako bi možga bila zatvorena tijelom, ali vani svojim duhom? Ili što je slavnije, živjeti samome sebi ili koristiti drugima? Ja koji sve znam i predviđam ne činim ništa bez razloga; zato do određenog mjesta neće doći prvim plodom ako djeluje iz straha, niti drugim ako živi u mlitavosti, već će doći u sredinu prema mjeri topline u ljubavi i plodu čestitosti. Onaj pak koji će je dobiti mora imati tri stvari: kuću, odjeću i hranu da bi je primio.“ Objašnjenje Sin reče: „Čudiš se što ova djevica nije dospjela do udaje kako si se nadala. Odgovorit ću ti pomoću usporedbe. Jedan od plemića je odlučio dati svoju kćer siromašnu muškarcu za brak. Kad je ovaj siromah trebao doći na vjenčanje s djevicom, prekoračio je zakone grada i zato su ga građani sramotno prognali i nije primio djevicu koju je želio. Tako sam i ja učinio s gospodarom ove zemlje; obećao sam mu učiniti velike stvari, ali previše je pristajao uz moje neprijatelje i zato nije dospio do onoga što sam mu obećao. Mogla bi pitati nisam li unaprijed pogledao buduće? Naravno da jesam kao što se može čitati o Mojsiju i njegovu narodu; otkrio sam mnogo i otkrivam mnogo da bi se ljudi mogli pripremiti za dobro i znati što treba činiti i strpljivo čekati. No ipak trebaš znati da je jedan jao prošao, ali da će drugi doći nad nezahvalne ove zemlje. Onda će doći moj blagoslov nad ponizne koji će moliti za moje milosrđe. Znaj i da kao što bi ovoj djevici bilo korisnije kad bi slijedila moj i savjet mudrih.“ Vjeruje se da je ova djevica bila Cecilija, kćer svete Brigite. Što se tiče nje, pogledaj životopis svete Brigite. Sedamdeset i drugo poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici o dvije sestre i uskrišenom Lazaru. I kako su zaručnica i njezina kćer predstavljene sestrama, duša bratom Lazarom, Židovi zavidne ljude i kako je njima Bog učinio veću milost nego Lazarovim sestrama. Kako se oni koji znaju mnogo govoriti, ali malo raditi ljute na one koji rade dobro. Sin reče zaručnici: „Bile su dvije sestre, Marta i Marija. One su imale brata Lazara kojeg sam probudio iz smrti; nakon svog uskrišenja mi je služio još revnije nego prije; isto su činile i sestre, iako su i prije bratova uskrišenja bile prijateljske i neumorne služiti mi. No poslije su bile još neumornije i pobožnije. Slično sam učinio s vama na duhovan način; je probudio sam vašeg brata, to jest vašu dušu koja se kroz četiri dana otuđila od mene mrtva i smrdeći kroz prekoračenje mojih zapovijedi i zlu pohlepu i radost u grijehu. Bila su četiri razloga koja su me pokrenula na Lazarovo uskrišenje. Prvo zato jer sve dok je živio mi je bio prijatelj; drugo, ljubav njegovih sestara; treće, jer je Marijina poniznost kad mi je prala noge stekla takvu zaslugu da kao što se pred mojim i licem gostiju ponizila, tako se pred licem mnogih trebala obradovati i biti čašćena; četvrto, da bi se otkrila slava moga čovještva. Ovew četiri stvari međutim nisu bile kod vas jer više volite svijet nego Lazar i njegove sestre. Zato je moje milosrđe prema vama, koje nikakvim zaslugama niste zaslužile moje sažaljenje, veće nego prema onim sestrama i to toliko veće kao što je duhovna smrt opasnija od tjelesne i uskrsnuće duše slavnije od tjelesnog. Budući da je moje milosrđe preteklo vaša djela, primite me kao ona sestra najžarkijom ljubavlju u kuću svoje naravi tako da ništa ne volite kao mene i sve svoje uzdanje položite u mene, ponizite se s Marijom i dnevno oplakujete svoje grijehe. Nikad se ne sramite živjeti ponizno među oholima i umjereno među neumjerenima i pokazujte izvana kako me jako volite iznutra. Trebate biti jedna duša i jedno srce kao one sestre, jake u preziranju svijeta i hrabre u Božjoj hvali. I kad budete tako učinile, onda ću ja, budući da sam uskrisio vašeg brata, to jest dušu, istu braniti da je Židovi ne bi ubili. Jer što bi Lazaru bilo koristilo biti uskrišen od sadašnje smrti kad zbog časnijeg ponašanja u sadašnjem životu ne bi bio slavnije uskrsnuo na drugi i trajni život? Tko su Židovi koji žele ubiti Lazara drugi doli oni koji su nezadovoljni time da živite bolje, koji govore velike stvari, a naučili su malo raditi, koji teže za ljudskom naklonošću i preziru svoje prethodnike to većim prezirom što manje si pripuštaju spoznati istinu i ono što je više? Mnogo je takvih koji govore o vrlinama, ali ih ne znaju čuvati kreposnim ponašanjem. Zato su njihove duše u opasnosti jer ima mnogo riječi, ali djela ne dolaze na vidjelo. Je su li moji propovjednici možda tako postupali? Nikako. Nisu opominjali grešnike uzvišenim, već malobrojnim i ljubaznim riječima tako što su bili spremni predati svoje duše za njihove duše. Jer žar učitelja je bolje podučavala duh slušatelja od riječi. No sad mnogi o meni govore teško shvatljive i visoke stvari, ali ne slijedi plod jer samo puhanje ne zapaljuje drvo ako ne sudjeluje iskrica. Od tih ću vas Židova čuvati i zaštititi da po njihovim riječima i djelima ne bi otpale od mene; ali neću vas braniti tako da ništa ne patite, već tako da ne podlegnete u nestrpljivosti. Zato se držite svoje odlučnosti i ja ću svojom ljubavlju zapaliti vašu volju.“ Sedamdeset i treće poglavlje Djevičine riječi zaručnici neka se ne brine o jednom ratniku za kojeg se reklo da je mrtav i koji joj je pokazan kako moli za pomoć. Za jednog ratnika koji je još živio se reklo da je mrtav. On je zaručnici u jednoj duhovnoj viziji pokazan kao mrtav i kako moli pomoć. Nakon što je zaručnica bila ožalošćena njegovom smrću, Majka Milosrđa joj reče: „Moja kćeri, je li ovaj čovjek mrtav ili nije, saznat ćeš u svoje vrijeme, sad želimo djelovati da bi on bolje živio.“ Sedamdeset i četvrto poglavlje Kristove riječi zaručnici i riječi Ivana Krstitelja Kristu u kojima ga hvali i pred njegovim licem moli za kršćane, posebno za jednog ratnika. Na njegove molitve je ratnik svojim vlastitim i rukama slavne Djevice i Petra i Pavla opremljen i počašćen duhovnim oružjem, to jest vrlinama. Što je predstavljeno svakim tjelesnim oružjem i o dobroj molitve. Sin Božji je razgovarao sa zaručnicom i reče: „Danas si napisala da je bolje sam preduhitriti nego biti preduhitren. Tako sam ja tebe preduhitrio slatkoćom svoje milosti da đavao ne bi ovladao tvojom dušom.“ Odmah se pojavi Ivan Krstitelj i reče: „Blagoslovljen Ti, Bože, koji si prije svih stvari, kraj kojeg nikad nije bio neki drugi bog i umjesto kojeg drugog niti nema niti će biti; jer Ti jesi i bio si vječno Jedan Bog. Ti si od proroka obećana istina kojoj sam dok se još nisam rodio radosno poskakivao i koju upoznao potpunije nakon što sam pokazao na nju. Ti si naša radost i naša slava. Ti si naše veselje i naša naslada. Jer gledate Tebe nas ispunja neizrecivom milinom koju nije prepoznao nitko osim onoga koji ju je kušao. Ti sam si i naša ljubav. I nije čudo da Te volimo jer budući da si sam ljubav, ne samo da voliš one koji Te vole, nego budući da si stvoritelj svih stvari, iskazuješ svoju ljubav i onima koji Te preziru priznati. No sad, moj Gospodine, budući da smo po Tebi i u Tebi bogati, molimo Te da od tog našem duhovnog bogatstva daš onima koji nemaju bogatstvo tako da kao što se mi u Tebi radujemo ne zbog svojim zaslugama i ovi postanu dionici naših dobara.“ Krist odgovori: „Zaista, ti si najviši ud nakon i kraj glave; ipak, vrat je još bliži i izvrsniji. Ako sam ja glava svih, onda je moja Majka vrat, onda dolaze anđeli, a ti i moji apostoli ste kao kralješci kralježnice jer ne samo da me volite, već me častite i tako što pomažete onima koji me vole. Zato čvrsto stoji ono što sam rekao: Djela koja sam ja činio i vi ćete činiti i vaša volja je moja volja. Jer kao što se tjelesna glava ne pomiče bez udova, tako se i u vašoj duhovnoj vezi i sjedinjenju ne događa da se jedno želi, a drugo može, već se može sve što svaki od vas želi, zato će se dogoditi ono što želiš.“ Nakon tih riječi je Ivan doveo jednog ratnika koji kao da je bio polumrtav i reče: „Gledaj, Gospodine! Gledaj, ovaj koji ovdje stoji Ti je posvetio svoju ratničku službu. On se trudi boriti, ali ne može pobijediti jer je nenaoružan i slab. Ja pak sam dvostruko zadužen pomoći mu, dijelom zbog zasluga njegovih roditelja, dijelom zbog ljubavi prema mojoj časti koja ga ispunja. Poradi samoga sebe daj mu odjeću za ratničku službu da ne bi bila otkrivena sramota njegove razgoljenosti.“ Gospodin odgovori: „Daj mu što želiš i odjeni ga kako ti se sviđa.“ Na to Ivan reče: „Dođi, moj sine, i primi od mene prvo odijelo svoje ratničke službe; nakon što ga uzmeš, lako ćeš primiti i moći nositi ostalu ratničku odjeću. Ratniku odgovara da na tijelu prvo ima ono što je meko i blago, naime dvostruki plašt. Njega ću ti staviti jer se Bogu tako sviđa. Jer kao što je tjelesni plašt mekan i blag, tako je i duhovan sladak u djelovanju, naime da drži Boga dragog tvojoj duši i ljupkog tvojim sklonostima. Slatkoća dolazi iz dvije stvari, naime iz razmatranja Božjih dobročinstava i iz sjećanja na počinjene grijehe. To dvoje sam imao dok sam još bio dječak. Jer razmatrao sam kojom me milošću Bog preduhitrio dok se još nisam rodio, kojim me blagoslovom blagoslovio nakon mog rođenja. Pri tom razmatranju sam uzdisao nad tim kako bih svojem mogao dostojno uzvratiti. Razmatrao sam i nepostojanost svijeta i žurno sam pošao u pustinju gdje mi je moj Gospodin Isus bio tako sladak da mi je bilo gnusno i mrsko željeti sve radosti svijeta kad sam na to mislio. Zato dođi ratniče i odjeni se ovim dvostrukim plaštem; preostalo će ti se dati u svoje vrijeme.“ Na to se pojavio blaženi apostol Petar i reče: „Ivan ti je dao dvostruko odijelo, a ja koji sam teško pao, ali muževno ponovno ustao, pribavit ću ti pancir, to jest božansku ljubav. Ova ljubav kao pancir koji se sastoji od mnogo željeznih prstena štiti od neprijateljevih projektila i čini čovjeka ravnodušnijim u podnošenju prodirućih zala. Čini ga okretnijim za Božju čast i revnijim za božanski posao, nepobjedivim u protivnostima, strpljivim u nadi, postojanim u onome što poduzme. Taj pancir mora svijetliti kao zlato i biti snažan kao kremen i željezo; jer svaki čovjek koji ima ljubav mora u strpljivosti protiv protivnosti biti rastezljiv kao zlato; treba svijetliti mudrošću i pameću da ne bi prihvatio herezu umjesto neokrnjene vjere i dvojbeno smatrao sigurnim. Pancir također mora biti jak kao željezo da kao što željezo pokorava sve tako i ovaj čovjek koji se trudi u ljubavi treba nastojati poniziti one koji se opiru vjeri i dobrim običajima. Ne treba odstupati od prigovora; ne smije pokleknuti zbog prijateljstva; ne smije postati mlitav i radi vremenite koristi niti se zaklanjati radi tjelesnog mira. Neka se ne boji smrti jer nitko ne može uzeti tijelo ako Bog ne dozvoli. Ako se pancir i sastoji od mnogo prstena, oklop ljubavi prvenstveno drže dva prstena. Prvi prsten ljubavi je spoznaja Boga i često razmatranje božanskih dobročinstava i zapovijedi da bi čovjek znao što treba dati Bogu, što bližnjem, a što svijetu. Drugi prsten je zauzdavanje vlastite volje radi Boga; jer svaki koji savršeno i iskreno voli Boga ne zadržava ništa od svoje volje što je protiv Boga. Gledaj, sine, ovaj pancir ti daje Bog, a ja sam ti ga zaslužio tako što sam ti priskočio po Božjoj milosti.“ Na to se ukazao sveti Pavao i reče: „O, moj sine, vrhovni pastir ovaca Petar ti je dao pancir, a ja ću ti iz Božje ljubavi dati oklop koji je ljubav prema bližnjemu, to jest spremnost pod sudjelovanjem Božje milosti rado umrijeti za spas bližnjeg. Kao što su na oklopu mnoge ploče zajedno spojene i povezane čavlima, tako se u ljubavi prema bližnjem okupljaju mnoge vrline. Svaki koji voli svojeg bližnjeg je dužan prvo osjećati bol zbog toga što svi koji su otkupljeni krvi Isusa Krista Bogu ne uzvraćaju za ljubav, drugo, što sveta Crkva, Božja zaručnica, ne ustraje u svojem hvalevrijednom redu, treće što je vrlo malo onih koji se u gorkoj žalosti i ljubavi sjećaju Božje muke; četvrto, dužan je paziti se njegovog bližnjeg ne pokvari zlim primjerom, peto, da se svojem bližnjem radosno da svoje dobro i moli Boga za njega, da napreduje u svakom dobru i da postane savršen. Čavli koji povezuju ploče su Božje riječi. Kad čovjek ispunjen prema ovim riječima vidi svojeg bližnjeg u nevolji, treba ga tješiti ljubaznim riječima, treba braniti onoga koji je napadnut protiv prava, posjetiti bolesne, otkupljivati zarobljene, ne se sramiti siromašnih, uvijek voljeti istinu, ništa ne postaviti iznad ljubavi prema Bogu, ne se udaljiti od pravednosti. Ovim sam oklopom bio obučen ja koji sam bio slab sa slabima, nisam se sramio licem kraljeva i vladara reći istinu i bio sam spreman umrijeti za spas bližnjeg.“ Potom se pojavila Majka i reče ratniku: „Moj sine, što ti još nedostaje?“ On reče: „Moja glava nema kacigu.“ Na to Majka Milosrđa reče anđelu čuvaru njegove duše: „Kako je tvoja zaštita koristila njegovoj duši i što imaš za predložiti našem Gospodinu?“ Anđeo odgovori: „Imam nešto iako je malo. Ponekad je udjeljivao milostinju i iz ljubavi prema Bogu čitao poneke molitve, ponekad se odricao i vlastite volje radi Božje volje; iskreno je molio Boga da mu svijet postane preziran i da mu Bog bude vrjedniji od svega.“ Majka odgovori: „Dobro je što to možeš donijeti za njega i učinit ćemo kao što čini dobar zlatar koji kad želi izvesti veliko djelo iz zlata, ali je u nuždi i nedostaje mu zlata pomoć traži kod bogata prijatelja. Svi koji imaju zlatu mu pomažu da bi se njegovo djelo dovršilo. No tko će nekome tko radi djelo od gline dati od svojeg zlata budući da glina nije vrijedna da se pomiješa sa zlatom? Svi sveti koji su bogati zlatom će ti sa mnom zavrijediti kacigu koju ćeš imati. Ta kaciga je volja svidjeti se samo Bogu; jer kao što kaciga štiti glavu od projektila i udaraca, tako i dobra, samo na Boga usmjerena volja štiti dušu. Tu su kacigu imali dobri Juraj i Mauricije i mnogi drugi, čak i razbojnik koji je visio na križu; bez nje nitko neće postaviti dobre temelje niti dospjeti do krune. Na toj kacigi moraju biti dva otvora ispred očiju kroz koje se može paziti onoga što se približava. Oni su pamet u onome što se mora napraviti i oprez u onome što se mora izostaviti jer je bez pameti i promišljaja mnogo toga što se na početku činilo dobrim na kraju loše.“ Dalje majka reče ratniku: „Što ti još nedostaje, moj sine?“ On odgovori: „Moja ruke su još gole i nemaju obranu.“ Majka mu odvrati: „Pomoći ću ti da ti ruke ne ostanu gole. Kao što postoje dvije ruke od mesa, tako postoje i dvije duhovne ruke. Desna ruka kojom se treba držati mač predstavlja djelo pravednosti na kojem treba biti pet vrlina kao pet prstiju. Prva je da svaki pravednik treba biti pravedan sam za sebe tako da se čuva da u govoru, činjenju ili primjeru ne nastupi ništa što bi moglo uvrijediti bližnjega da ne bi neurednim vlastitim ponašanjem uništio ono što iz pravednosti na drugima kori ili ih podučava; druga je ne vršiti pravednost ili djela pravednosti iz naklonosti prema ljudima ili ljubavi prema svijetu, već iz ljubavi prema vlastitu Bogu; treća je nikoga se ne bojati protiv pravednosti niti nešto prešutjeti zbog prijateljstva i ne se dati odvratiti od pravednosti za siromašne i bogate, za prijatelja ili neprijatelja; četvrta je htjeti rado umrijeti za pravednost; peta je ne samo činiti pravednost, već je i mudro voljeti tako da u sudu budu i milosrđe i pravednost i da se drukčije kazni koji griješi manje, a drukčije koji griješi teže, drukčije koji iz neznanja, a drukčije koji namjerno ili iz zlobe. Tko ima ovih pet prstiju, treba se čuvati da ne oštri mač u nestrpljivosti niti da ga svjetovna radost ne otupi ili ga neopreznost slomi ili ga zbog nepromišljenosti ne ispusti iz ruke ili ga nepostojanost duše učini crnim. Lijeva ruka je božanska molitva koja također treba imati pet prstiju. Prvi je čvrsto vjerovati u članke vjere o božanstvu i čovještvu i zaista u sve što priznaje sveta Crkva, Kristova zaručnica; drugi je ne htjeti svjesno griješiti protiv Boga i sve počinjene grijehe htjeti popraviti kajanjem i zadovoljštinom; treći je Boga moliti da se tjelesna ljubav pretvori u duhovnu ljubav; četvrti ničemu drugome u svijetu ne htjeti živjeti nego da se časti Boga i smanjuju grijesi; peti je ne se drsko uzdati u sebe, već se uvijek bojati Boga i očekivati smrt svakog sata. Gledaj, moj sine, to su dvije ruke koje moraš imati: desna kojom treba zamahnuti mačem pravednosti protiv njezinih napadača, a lijeva ruka molitve kojom se od Boga treba moliti pomoć tako da se nikad ne uzdaš u svoju pravednost niti ponosno uzdigneš protiv svoga Boga.“ Opet se pojavila blažena Marija i reče ratniku: „Što ti još nedostaje, moj sine?“On odgovori: „Nožni oklop.“ A ona reče: „Čuj ti, jednom ratnik svijeta, ali sad moj, sve što je na nebu i zemlji, stvorio je Bog. Među svim što je niže je najvrjedniji i najljepši stvor duša čije misli upravlja dobra volja. Jer kao što iz jednog stabla izlaze mnogi izdanci, tako iz duhovne vježbe i djelatnosti duše proizlazi sva savršenost. Da bi se postigao duhovni nožni oklop, uz Božju pomoć dobra volja mora napraviti početak. Ona mora sadržavati dvostruko razmatranje kao dvije noge na zlatnim temeljima. Prva noga savršene duše je razmatranje te vrste da ne želi griješiti protiv Boga čak ako nakon toga i ne bi slijedila kazna; druga noga je vršenje dobrih djela zbog velike strpljivosti i Božje ljubavi čak i kad bi se znalo da će se biti proklet. Koljena duše su radost i snaga dobre volje. Kao što se kod korištenja nogu koljena savijaju, tako se volja duše u skladu s razumom mora savijati i svladavati prema Božjoj volji jer pisano je da su tijelo i duh suprotstavljeni. Zato Pavao govori: 'Ne činim dobro koje bih htio' kao da želi reći: 'Prema duši želim svakakvo dobro, ali ne mogu to zbog slabosti tijela, a ako ponekad i mogu činiti, opet ne mogu radosno.' Kako onda? Je li apostol zato izgubio plaću jer je htio, ali nije mogao ili jer je doduše činio dobro, ali ne radosno? Nikako, već će mu se kruna štoviše dvostruko umnožiti; prvo, od vanjskog čovjeka jer zbog otpora tijela protiv dobra bilo je mučno raditi; drugo, od unutarnjeg čovjeka jer nije uvijek imao duhovnu utjehu. Mnogi se svjetovni ljudi trude na vremenit način, ali zbog toga neće biti okrunjeni jer rade na poticaj tijela; jer kad bi taj rad bio Božja zapovijed, pri poslu ne bi pokazivali tako vruću revnost. Ove dvije noge duše dakle, naime ne htjeti griješiti protiv Boga i htjeti vršiti dobra djela čak i ako slijedi prokletstvo, moraju biti naoružane dvostrukim oklopom, naime pametnim mudrim korištenjem vremenitog i mudrom čežnjom i nastojanjem za nebeskim. Mudro korištenje vremenitih stvari se sastoji u tome da se dobra ima za vlastito umjereno uzdržavanje, a ne u izobilju. Mudra čežnja za nebeskim postoji ona kad se nebesko želi zaslužiti dobrim djelima i radom jer budući da se čovjek nezahvalnošću i nemarnošću odvratio od Boga, mora se vratiti naprezanjem i poniznošću. Budući da ti, moj sine, to nisi imao, molimo onda svete mučenike i ispovjednike koji tog bogatstva imaju u izobilju da ti pomognu.“ Odmah su se pojavili sveti i rekoše: „O, blažena Gospođo, ti si u sebi nosila Gospodina i ti si gospodarica sviju; postoji li nešto što ne možeš? Jer ono što želiš, dogodi se. Tvoja volja je uvijek naša volja. Ti si s pravom majka ljubavi jer svakome dolaziš s ljubavlju.“ Opet se pojavila Majka i reče ratniku: „Moj sine, još nam nedostaje štit. Štitu pripadaju dvije stvari, naime hrabrost i znak gospodara za kojeg se boriš. Duhovni štit predstavlja razmatranja gorke Božje patnje. On mora biti na lijevoj ruci blizu srca tako da kad se god duša osjeća radost u tjelesnom uživanju razmatraju Kristove rane. Sve dok preziranje i protivnosti svijeta uznemiruje i rastužuje dušu, treba se sjetiti Kristova siromaštva i poniženja. A sve dok čast i dug život tijela žele zadovoljiti, treba se sjetiti Kristove gorke smrti i patnje. Takav štit mora imati snagu postojanosti u dobru i širinu ljubavi. Znak štita mora se sastojati od dvije boje jer se ništa ne vidi jasnije i dalje od onoga što je sastavljeno od dvije blistave boje. Dvije boje kojima je ukrašen štit razmatranja božanske patnje su suzdržljivost od neurednih sklonosti i čistoća i svladavanje tjelesnih pokreta. Ovo dvoje osvjetljava nebo i anđeli koji to vide raduju se, kliču i govore: 'Gledajte znak čistoće i naše družine; dužni smo pomoći tom ratniku.' Đavoli pak koji vide ratnika ukrašena tim znakom štita će vikati: 'Što da činimo, drugovi? Ovaj ratnik je strašan u sukobu i divnog oružja. Na svojoj strani ima oružja vrlina, iza sebe vojne logore anđela. S lijeva ima vrlo porezna čuvara, naime Boga, naokolo je pun očiju kojima vidi našu zlobu. Možemo ga doduše napasti, ali na našu sramotu jer ga ne možemo nadvladati.' O, kako li je sretan takav ratnik kojeg anđeli časte i u strahu od kojeg đavoli drhte. No budući da ti, moj sine, još nisi primio taj štit, molimo svete anđele koji sjaje duhovnom čistoćom da ti pomognu.“ Dalje reče Majka: „Sine, još nam nedostaje mač. Jednom maču pripadaju dvije stvari: prvo, treba imat dvije oštrice; drugo, mora biti dobro naoštren. Duhovni mač je uzdanje u Boga u borbi za pravednost. To uzdanje mora imat dvije oštrice, naime ispravnu pravednost u sreći kao na desnoj strani i zahvalu u nesreći kao na lijevoj strani. Takav je mač imao pobožni Job koji je u sreći prinosio žrtve za svoju djecu, koji je bio otac siromašnih i čija su vrata bila otvorena putnicima, koji nije hodao u ispraznosti i nije želio ništa strano, već se bojao Boga kao onaj tko sjedi na valovima mora. I u nesreći je prinosio zahvalu kad je nakon gubitka svoje djece i dobara prezren od svoje žene i mučen najgorim čirevima strpljivo izdržao i rekao: 'Gospodin je dao, Gospodin je uzeo, hvaljen bio.' Taj mač mora biti i dobro naoštren da bi kao i Mojsije i David satro one koji napadaju pravednost i da bi imao revnost zakona kao Pinhas da bi ustrajno govorio kao Ilija i Ivan. O, kako li je mač mnogih danas preko mjere tup, oni kad govore riječima ne miču prst jer traže prijateljstvo ljudi, ali ne osvrću se na Božju slavu! Budući da nisi imao takav mač, molimo patrijarhe i proroke koji su imali takvo uzdanje i sigurno će nam biti dan.“ Opet se pojavila Majka i reče ratniku: „Moj sine, još trebaš pokrivalo za oružje koje ga štiti od hrđe i prljanja kiše. To pokrivalo je ljubav da se umre za Boga i čak, ukoliko je moguće i ne vrijeđa Boga, da se odvoji od Boga radi spasa braće. Ta ljubav pokriva sve grijehe, čuva sve vrline, blaži Božji gnjev, čini sve mogućim, straši zle duhove, radost je anđela. To pokrivalo iznutra mora biti bijelo, a izvana sjajno kao zlato. Jer gdje je revnost božanske ljubavi, tamo se ne zanemaruje ni jedna ni druga čistoća. Apostoli su ove ljubavi imali u izobilju i zato ih se mora dozvati da pomognu.“ Ponovno se pojavila Majka i reče: „Moj sine, trebaš još konja i sedlo. Pod konjem se na duhovan način podrazumijeva krštenje. Jer kao što konj odvodi čovjeka putem koji želi prevaliti i kao što ima četiri noge, tako krštenje koje se podrazumijeva pod konjem vodi čovjeka pred Božje lice i ima četiri duhovna djelovanja. Prvo se sastoji u tome da se kršteni oslobađaju zlih duhova i obvezuju Božjim zapovijedima i službi; drugo je da se čiste od istočnog grijeha; treće je da postaju Božja djeca i subaštinici; četvrto je da im se otvara nebo. Ali jao, mnogi su koji kad dođu u godine razuma konju krštenja, stave uzde i vode ga krivim putem. Put krštenja je ispravan i ispravno ga se slijedi ako se čovjek prije godina razuma podučava i očuva u dobrim običajima i kad nakon što dođe u godine razuma i revno o tome razmišlja što se obećalo na krštenju, također sačuva nedirnutima vjeru i Božju ljubav. S pravog puta se skreće i stavlja se uzda onda kad se tijelu u svijetu daje prednost pred Bogom. Sedlo konja, to jest krštenje je djelovanje gorke muke i smrti Isusa Krista kojima je krštenje dobilo svoju snagu. Voda krštenja je samo jedan element; nakon što je prolivena Božja krv je elementu vode pridodana Božja riječ i snaga prolivene Božje krvi i tako je voda krštenja po Božjoj riječi postala pomirenje Boga s ljudima, vrata milosrđa, istjerivanje zlih duhova, put u nebo, oproštenje grijeha. Tko se dakle želi hvaliti snagom krštenja, neka prvo promisli gorčinu ustanovljenja djelovanja krštenja tako da kad se čovječje srce napuhne protiv Boga, čovjek misli na to kako je gorko otkupljen, kako je često prekršio krsno obećanje i što je zaslužio za tako povratke u grijeh. Da bi čovjek dalje mogao čvrsto sjediti u sedlu djelovanja krštenja, potrebna su dva stremena, to jest dvostruko razmatranje u molitvi. Prvo dakle treba moliti: 'O, svemogući Bože, blagoslovljen Ti jer si me stvorio i otkupio i dok sam bio dostojan prokletstva, podnosio si me u mojim grijesima i priveo na pokoru. Uviđam, Gospodine, pred Tvojim veličanstvom da sam sva dobra koja su mi dana za spasenje rasipao na nekoristan i pokvaren način, naime vrijeme za svoju pokoru u ispraznostima, tijelo u izobilju, milost krštenja u oholosti. I sve sam više volio od Tebe, mog stvoritelja, otkupitelja, hranitelja i zaštitnika i zato te molim za Tvoje milosrđe jer sam sam po sebi bijedan i jer nisam priznao Tvoju blagu strpljivost prema meni. Nisam se bojao Tvoje strašne pravednosti. Nisam se osvrtao kako da Ti uzvratim za Tvoje nebrojeno dobro, već sam Te štoviše dan za danom svojom zlobom izazivao na gnjev; zato nemam ništa drugo osim jedne riječi za Tebe, naime: Smiluj mi se, Bože, po svojem velikom milosrđu!' Druga molitva treba glasiti: 'O, svemogući Bože, znam da sve imam od Tebe, da ništa nije od mene i da ništa ne mogu osim onoga što sam sam učinio po svojem grijehu. Zato ponizno molim Tvoju ljubav da ne postupaš sa mnom prema mojem grijehu, već prema svojem velikom milosrđu. Pošalji mi i svoga Duha Svetoga da rasvijetli moje srce i učvrsti me na putu Tvojih zapovijedi da bih ustrajao u onome što sam prepoznao pomoću Tvojeg nadahnuća i da se nikakvim kušnjama ne odvojim od Tebe.' Moj sine, budući da to još nemaš, molimo one koji su gorkije učvrstili Božju muku u svojem srcu da ti dodijele od svoje ljubavi.“ Nakon ovoga je došla pojava kao konj opremljen zlatnim ukrasima. I Majka reče: „Ovi konjevi ukrasi predstavljaju darove Duha Svetoga koji se daruju kod krštenja. Jer u krštenju se, bilo da ga je obavio dobar ili loš sluga, otpušta istočni grijeh, umnožava se milost, oprašta se svaki grijeh. Daje se Duh Sveti kao jamstvo, anđeli za zaštitnike, nebo za nasljedstvo. Gledaj, moj sine, to su ukrasi duhovnog ratnika! Tko je time odjeven, dobit će onu neizrecivu vojničku plaću kojom se kupuje vječna radost, najčasniji mir, vječno obilje, život bez kraja.“ Ovaj ratnik je bio gospodin Karlo, sin svete Brigite. Sedamdeset i peto poglavlje Zaručničine riječi molitve Kristu i Djevici pri čemu pjeva najbolju hvalu. Utješni odgovor Djevice kćeri u čemu kroz primjer pokazuje Bog pomoću pravedne odluke često dopušta đavlovu laž da bi Božja snaga postala to vidljivija i kako nevolje daju uputu za duhovna dobra. „Blagoslovljen Ti, moj Bože, moj stvoritelju i otkupitelju. Ti si otkupnina kojom smo otkupljeni iz zarobljeništva, po kojoj smo svi vođeni svemu spasu, po kojoj smo postavljeni udružujemo s Jedinstvom i Trojstvom. Zato se, iako se u svojoj ružnoći sramim, ipak radujem da Ti koji si jednom za nas umro nikad više nećeš umrijeti. Jer Ti si zaista jedini koji je bio i prije svijeta. Ti imaš moć nad životom i smrti. Samo Ti si dobar i pravedan, samo Ti svemoguć i strašan. Zato budi blagoslovljen u vječnost. Ali što da kažem o tebi, blagoslovljena Marijo, ti cijeli spase svijeta? Ti si slična onome tko prijatelju koji je bio tužan zbog gubitka neke stvari opet daje vidjeti izgubljeno čime se ublažila bol, narasla je radost i cijelo se srce zapalilo. Tako si ti, najslađa Marijo, svijetu pokazala njegova Boga kojeg su ljudi izgubili i rodila si ga u vrijeme koje je bilo pokazano prije svih vremena i nad čijim rođenjem se radovalo sve što je bilo na nebu i na zemlji. Zato te, najslađa Marijo, molim da mi pomogneš da se moj neprijatelj ne bi radovao nada mnom niti me nadvladao svojom lukavosti.“ Majka odgovori: „Pomoći ću ti. Ali zašto si žalosna što si ono što si čula i što je tjelesno vidjela na duhovan način kad ti je onaj ratnik koji živi u tijelu pokazan kao duhovno mrtav i potreban duhovne pomoći? Čuj sad sigurnost tumačenja. Sva istina je od Boga, a svaka laž od đavla jer je on otac laži. Budući da je istina od Boga, po đavlovoj zlobi i laži koje Bog ponekad dozvoljava prema tajnoj odluci je Božja snaga to vidljivija kao što ću ti pokazati kroz primjer izvjesne djevice. Ona je vrlo nježno voljela svojeg zaručnika i on nju na sličan način. Kroz njihovu ljubav je Bog bio slavno čašćen i roditelji s obje strane su se tome radovali. Kad je to vidio njihov neprijatelj, ovako je mislio: 'Znam da se zaručnik i zaručnica međusobno približavaju na trostruki način: pismima, uzajamnim razgovorima i tjelesnim sjedinjenjem. Da glasnici i poštari ne bi imali pristup, sve ću putove napuniti kolcima, trnjem i kukama; da se više ne bi približavali uzajamnim razgovorima, prouzročit ću buku koja će ih smetati u govoru. Da ne bi sreli za sjedinjenje u tijelu, postavit ću čuvare da promatraju svaki otrov tako da ne nađu nikakvu priliku da dospiju jedno k drugome.' Kad je zaručnik koji je bio pametniji od neprijatelja to prepoznao, ovako je rekao svojim slugama: 'Moj neprijatelj mi smještava u tome i tome. Pazite na tim mjestima i kad tako nađete, pustite da ga radi sve dok ne postavi zamke. Nakon toga se uzdignite, ali nemojte ga ubiti, već mu ga izrugajte i derite se na njega da bi vaši susluge kad prepoznaju neprijateljevo lukavstvo mogli biti pažljiviji u straži i oprezu.' Na sličan je način i u duhovnim stvarima. Pisma kojima se zaručnik i zaručnica, to jest Bog i dobra duša međusobno približavaju nisu ništa drugo doli molitve i uzdasi pobožnih; jer kao što stvarno pismo pokazuje sklonost i volju onoga koji ga pošilja, tako molitve pobožnih Božjem srcu i povezuju dušu s Bogom vezom ljubavi. Ali đavao ponekad sprječava srca ljudi tako da ne mole za ono što služi spasu duše ili je suprotno tjelesnom uživanju. On također sprječava da budu uslišani kad mole za druge grešnike jer ti grešnici za sebe ne mole za ono što služi duši za vječnu korist. Što su uzajamni razgovori kojima zaručnik i zaručnica postaju jedno srce i jedna duša drugo doli pokora i kajanje? No kod njih đavao ponekad podiže tako veliku buku da se međusobno ne čuju. To su zla nadahnuća koja srcu koje na plodan način želi vršiti pokoru šapće i govori mu: 'O, ti nježna dušo, teško je poduzeti ono na što nisi naviknuta i što je neobično. Mogu li svi biti savršeni? Dovoljno ti je biti kao mnogi drugi; što poduzimaš više? Zašto činiš što nitko ne čini? Ne možeš to trajno provoditi, svi će ti se rugati budeš li se previše ponižavao.' Takvim nadahnućima je duša prevarena i misli si: 'Teško je prekinuti ono na što si naviknut; zato ću ono što je prošlo ispovjediti, ali onda mi je dovoljno slijediti put većine; ne mogu biti savršen; Bog je svemoguć i ne bi nas otkupio da je htio da propadnemo.' Takvom bukom đavao sprječavao dušu tako da je Bog ne čuje; ne kao da Bog ne bi mogao čuti sve, već zato jer se Bog kad to čuje ne raduje kad se duša radije slaže sa svojim kušnjama nego s vlastitim razumom. Tjelesno sjedinjenje zaručnika i zaručnice predstavlja unutarnje sjedinjenje duše s Bogom kroz želju za nebeskim i čistu ljubav u kojima duša treba gorjeti svakog sata. Ali ta se ljubav sprečava na četiri načina. Prvo, đavao nadahnjuje dušu da učini nešto protiv Boga čime duša ako u tome uživa i malo se obazire privlači Božje neprijateljstvo. Drugo, đavao dušu nadahnjuje da učini nešto dobro da se ljudima pokaže ljubazna, a ponekad da radi časti i straha od svijeta propusti nešto dobro što bi mogla učiniti. Treće, đavao čini da duša zaboravi na dobro i osjećaju gađenje nad tim čime se narav otkida i postaje mrzovoljna. Četvrto, đavao uzbuđuje dušu brigom za svjetovne stvari ili radošću, preobilnom boli ili štetnim strahom. Time se sprječavaju pisma i molitve pravednih kao i uzajamni razgovori zaručnika i njegove zaručnice. No iako je đavao lukav, Bog je još mudriji i jači raskida neprijateljeve konope da bi poslana pisma mogla dospjeti zaručniku. Zamke se raskidaju nakon što Bog duši nadahne da želi samo dobro i da u srcu ima želju bježati od onoga što je zlo i činiti ono što se Bogu sviđa. Buka koju neprijatelj prouzrokuje se ometa kad duša skromno vrši pokoru i ima volju da ne padne natrag u grijehe koje je ispovjedila. Znaj da đavao ne nasrće samo na Božje neprijatelje vikom i galamom, već i Božje prijatelje kao što ćeš prepoznati na jednom primjeru. Pretpostavi da jedna djevica s jednim muškarcem vodi razgovor. Pred njom je zavjesa koju je muškarac vidio, ali djevica ne. Nakon što je razgovor završio, djevica je otvorila oči, ugledala zavjesu i bojažljivo si je mislila: 'Neka me Bog sačuva da nisam možda prevarena neprijateljevom zamkom.' Kad je muškarac vidio djevicu tužnu, odvukao je zavjesu i pokazao joj je cijelu istinu. Tako i savršeni ljudi primaju Božje nadahnuće; đavao ih onda buni obmanom da se ili uzdignu u iznenadnoj oholosti ili budu oboreni velikim strahom ili neurednom blagošću podnose grijehe drugih ili oslabe preobiljem radosti ili tuge. Na sličan način se dogodilo s tobom. Jer đavao je neke potaknuo da ti pišu da je onaj ratnik mrtav iako je još živio od čega si primila veliku bol. Ali Bog ti je pokazao njegovu duhovnu smrt tako da ti je ono što pisci lažno izvještavaju od Boga za utjehu pokazano istinitim. Istina je dakle kad se kaže da nevolje vode duhovnim dobrima. Jer kad prigodom laži koje si čula ne bi bila ožalošćena, ne bi ti bila pokazana tako velika snaga i ljepota duše. Zato je da bi mogla prepoznati tajnu Božju namjeru između tvoje duše i Boga bila izvjesna zavjesa kad je govorio kako zbog toga što se duša pokazala u obličju nekoga potrebnog pomoći, tako i zbog toga što se Bog u svakom svojem govoru pridržavao reći da ćeš u svoje vrijeme saznati je li mrtav ili živ. Nakon što ti je pokazana ljepota duše i njezin ukras čime duša mora biti opremljena za ulazak u nebo, zavjesa je uklonjena i pokazala se istina, naime da je onaj čovjek tjelesno živio, a duhovno bio mrtav i tko želi ući u svoju nebesku domovinu, mora se naoružati takvim vrlinama. Đavlova namjera je bila kušati te lažima i uznemiriti te da bi te kroz bol zbog oduzimanja tako vrijednog prijatelja odvukao od Božje ljubavi. Ali nakon što si rekla: 'Neka me Bog sačuva da ovo možda nije prevara' rekla i 'Bože, pomogni mi', zavjesa je uklonjena i pokazana ti je kako tjelesna, tako i duhovna istina. Gledaj, kako je i đavlu dozvoljeno ožalostiti pravedne da bi se njihova kruna mogla poveaćati.“ Sedamdeset i šesto poglavlje Djevičine riječi kćeri koje je podučavaju tko su Božji prijatelji i kako ih je malo u novije vrijeme ako se ispita svaki stalež, kako laike, tako i svećenike. Što je razlog zbog kojeg je bogati Bog volio siromaštvo i kako je izabrao siromašne, a ne bogate i s kojim ciljem su bogatstva dana Crkvi. Majka reče Kristovoj zaručnici: „Zašto si zabrinuta, kćeri moja?“ „Jer se“, onda odgovori, „bojim biti poslana otvrdnulima.“ Majka odvrati: „Po čemu prepoznaješ otvrdnule ili Božje prijatelje?“ I ona reče: „Ne znam ih razlikovati i ne usudim se suditi o bilo kome jer su mi prije pokazana dva čovjeka od kojih se jedan po ljudskoj prosudbi predstavljao vrlo poniznim i potpuno svetim, a drugi rasipničkim i častohlepnim. No ipak njihova namjera i volja nisu bili u suglasnosti s njihovim djelima što je silno preplašilo moj razum.“ Majka odgovori: „Dozvoljeno je suditi o zlu koje se javno pokazuje ako se ima namjera zle žaliti i popraviti. Ali o dvojbenome za što nije sigurno s kojom se namjerom događa je sigurno ne suditi. Zato ću ti pokazati koji su ljudi Božji prijatelji. Znaj tako da su Božji prijatelji oni koji se kad od Boga prime darove brinu za to da Bogu zahvale svakog sata, da ne žele ništa preobilno i da su s tim što im je dano zadovoljni. No gdje naći takve ljude? Potražimo najprije u zajednici. Tko bi tamo mogao reći: 'Dovoljno je; ne tražim ništa veće'? Potražimo među ratnicima i ostalom gospodom. Tko među njima misli ovako: 'Dobra koja posjedujem sam stekao nasljedstvom; od toga tražim svoje umjereno uzdržavanje prema mojem staležu kao što odgovara Bogu i ljudima, preostalo ću dodijeliti Bogu i siromasima. No kad bih saznao da su ova naslijeđena dobra zlo stečena, onda bi ih ili nadoknadio ili predao na savjet izabranih duhovnih Božjih slugu.' O, kćeri, takve misli su rijetke na zemlji. Potražimo i među kraljevima i vojskovođama tko od njih ustraje u hvalevrijednom stanju. Gdje je kralj koji je u svojem ponašanju kao Job, u svojoj poniznosti kao David, u revnosti za zakon kao Pinhas i kao Mojsije u blagosti i strpljivosti? Gdje je onaj vojskovođa koji upravlja kraljevom vojskom i podučava je ratu, ima povjerenje u Boga i strah kao Jošua, koji više traži korist svoga gospodara nego svoju kao Joab, koji voli revnost zakona i korist bližnjega kao Juda Makabejac? Takav vojskovođa je sličan jednorogu koji na čelu ima oštar rog i ispod njega dragocjen kamen. A što je drugo rog vojskovođe doli hrabro srce da se odvažno bori i udara neprijatelje vjere? Kamen pod vojskovođinim rogom je božanska ljubav koja ako ostaje neprestano u srcu ga čini okretnim i nepobjedivim u svim stvarima. No sad su vojskovođe sličniji obijesnim jarcima nego jednorozima; jer svugdje se bore za tijelo, ne za dušu niti za Boga. Razgledajmo kraljeve. Tko od njih ne opterećuje svoje podčinjene radi svoje oholosti? Tko odmjerava svoje stanje prema prihodima krune? Tko nadoknađuje ono što kruna nepravedno drži? Tko od njih se bavi drugim aktivnostima da bi vršio pravednost radi Boga? Kad bi u svijetu na vidjelo došli takvi kraljevi da bi Bog bio proslavljan! Tražimo dalje među svećenicima čija je obveza sa sobom nosi voljeti suzdržljivost, siromaštvo i pobožnost; zaista, ovi su isto zastranili s puta. Što drugo su svećenici doli siromasi i Božji primatelji milostinje? Trebaju živjeti od onoga što se prinosi Bogu da bi bilo to ponizniji i revniji za Boga što više bi se morali držati udaljeni od briga svijeta. Zato ih je prvo Crkva podigla iz nevolje i siromaštva da bi Bog bio njihova baština i da se ne bi mogli hvaliti svijetom i tijelom, već Bogom. Ali, moja kćeri, nije li mogao birati kraljeve i vojskovođe za apostole da bi se po njima Crkva obogatila zemaljskom baštinom? Mogao je. Ali bogati Bog je došao siromašan na svijet da bi primjerom dokazao kako je zemaljsko prolazno i da bi čovjek učio od siromaštva svog Gospodina i ne ga se sramio, već da bi se žurno mogao okrenuti istinskom i nebeskom bogatstvu. Zato se poslužio nadasve lijepim postavljanjem Crkve jednog siromašnog ribara i postavio ga je na njezino mjesto da bi živio od Gospodinova udjela, a ne od baštine u ovom svijetu. Crkva je tako svoje podrijetlo uzela iz tri dobre stvari: prvo od revnosti u vjeri; drugo, od siromaštva; treće, iz djelotvornosti vrlina i čuda. Te tri stvari su bile i kod svetog Petra. Posjedovao je revnost vjere kad je slobodnim glasom priznao svojeg Boga i nije oklijevao umrijeti za njega; imao je siromaštvo kad je išao uokolo i molio milostinju i prehranjivao se od rada svojih ruku. Ipak je bio bogat duhovnim dobrima što je veće kao kad je na primjer hromome kojem nije mogao dati ni zlata ni srebra učinio da može hodati što nijedan od vladara nije mogao. Nije li Petar koji je uskrisio jednog mrtvog mogao postići i novac da je htio? Naravno; ali odbacio je teret bogatstva da bi lako ušao u nebo i da bi kao gospodar ovaca ovcama dao primjer poniznosti jer su poniznosti i siromaštvo, duhovni kao i tjelesni, ulaz u nebo. Treće, imao je moć činiti čuda jer, odvojeno od njegovih većih čuda, Petrovom sjenom su bili izliječeni bolesni. Budući da je posjedovao savršenstvo vrlina koje se sastoji u tome da se zadovolji nužnim, tako je i njegov jezik postao ključ za nebo i njegovo je ime blagoslovljeno na nebu i na zemlji. Oni pak koji su svoje ime učinili slavnim i voljeli gnoj, to jest ono što je zemaljsko, na zemlji su prezreni i na strašan način su zapisani u knjizi božanske pravednosti. Bog je ipak htio dati prepoznati da siromaštvo Petra i drugih svetih nije bilo prisilno, već dobrovoljno. Zato je potaknuo srca mnogih da im bogato udjeljuju. Više su se hvalili siromaštvom nego trnjem bogatstva. Zato se što su više imali u izobilju siromaštva to bogatije umnožila i njihova pobožnost. Čemu čudo? Jer kako da Bog bude daleko onima koji su ga postavili za svoj dio svoju radost? Kako pak može onima koji žude za uživanjem svijeta Bog biti sladak? On je bio stranac u njihovim očima. U međuvremenu su s protekom vremena da bi Božji prijatelji mogli biti revniji i spremniji propovijedati Božju riječ i da bi se moglo znati kako nisu zla bogatstva, već njihova zloporaba, za Silvestra i ostalih Crkvi dana vremenita dobra koja su sveti muškarci dugo vremena koristili samo za uzdržavanje Crkve i Božju radost i siromahe. Znaj, Božji prijatelji su takvi koji se raduju Božjem određivanju. Ako ti i nisu poznati, poznati su mojem Sinu. Jer u krutom metalu se često nalazi zlato i iz krutog kremena se često izdvaja vatrena iskra. Zato idi sigurna; jer prvo treba vikati, a tek onda djelovati jer ni moj Sin dok je prebivao u tijelu nije istodobno obratio cijelu Judeju niti apostoli odjednom pogane, već se mora imati više vremena za dovršiti Božja djela.“ Sedamdeset i sedmo poglavlje Zaručničine riječi Kristu koje veličaju milosrđe koje joj je iskazao. Kristove riječi zaručnici koji potvrđuju to slatko milosrđe prema zaručnici i kako ju je odabrao za svoju posudu koju treba ispuniti vinom da bi se Božjim slugama po njezinu vinu dalo piti i o ljupkom i poniznom zaručničinom pitanju Kristu. „Čast bila svemogućem Bogu za sve što je stvorio. Ukras i služba bili mu naplaćeni za svu njegovu ljubav. Ja, nedostojna osoba koja sam od svoje mladosti na mnoge načine griješila protiv Tebe, svoga Boga, zahvaljujem Ti, moj najslađi Bože, najviše na tome što nitko nije tako pokvaren da bi mu Ti odbio svoje milosrđe ako ga od Tebe traži s ljubavlju i istinskom poniznošću i pritom odluči popraviti se. O, najdraži, najslađi Bože, svima koji čuju što si mu učinio je čudesno. Jer ako Ti se svidi, uspavljuješ moje tijelo, ali en tjelesnim snom, već duhovnim mirom. Kao da budiš moju dušu od sna da bi na duhovan način vidjela, čula i osjećala. O, Gospodine Bože, kako su slatke riječi Tvojih usta! Čini mi se da kad god čujem riječi Tvoga Duha, moja ih duša ih guta u sebe određenim osjećajem neizrecive slatkoće kao najdraže jelo koje kao da pada u srce moga tijela na veliku radost i neizrecivu utjehu. Izgleda čudesno da kad čujem Tvoje riječi postajem sita, ali i gladna; sita zato jer mi se onda ništa ne sviđa kao one riječi, a gladna jer se moja želja za Tobom stalno umnaža. Zato budi blagoslovljen moj Bože Isuse Kriste i daj mi, o Gospodine, svoju pomoć da mogu sve dane svoga života ispuniti kako se Tebi sviđa.“ Krist odgovori i reče: „Ja sam bez početka i kraja i sve je stvoreno po mojoj moći i uređeno po mojoj mudrosti; sve se također upravlja prema mojoj odluci, ništa mi nije nemoguće i zaista, sva moja djela uređena su s ljubavlju. Zato je vrlo tvrdo ono srce koje me želi voljeti niti me se bojati budući da sam oboje, naime hranitelj i sudac svih ljudi. Oni vrše volju đavla koji je moj krvnik i izdajica jer je svijetu ponudio tako poguban otrov da duša koja od toga kuša uz uživanje ne može živjeti, već mrtva tone u pakao da bi vječno živjela u jadu. Taj otrov je grijeh; on naravno mnogima dobro prija, ali na kraju na strašan način postaje gorak. Zaista, taj otrov iz đavolje ruke se svakim satom pije uz uživanje. Tko je ikad čuo nešto tako čudno ili još čudnije? Jer ljudima se pruža život, a oni pak biraju i slobodno prihvaćaju smrt. Ja pak, koji sam moćniji od svega, imam samilost prema njima u njihovoj bijedi i velikoj nevolji. Učinio sam kao bogat i ljubazan kralj koji je svojim pouzdanim slugama u posudi poslao dragocjeno vino i rekao: 'Ponudite vino i drugima osim sebi za piti jer je ljekovito; bolesnima opet vraća njihovo zdravlje, tužnima pruža utjehu, a zdravim ljudima hrabro srce.' Tako sam i ja svojim slugama poslao svoje riječi koje se uspoređuju s vrlo dobrim vinom i trebaju ih dati drugima jer su ljekovite. Pod posudom pak mislim na tebe koja čuješ moje riječi jer si učinila oboje, čula si riječi i navijestila ih dalje; ti si moja vlastita posuda koju punim kad mi se svidi i iz koje uzimam dok mi se sviđa. Zato će ti moj Duh pokazati kamo trebaš ići i što trebaš govoriti, kao i da se ne trebaš bojati nikoga osim mene. Moraš radosno ići kamo te budem poslao i odvažno reći što ti budem naložio jer mi se nitko ne može oduprijeti i bit ću kraj tebe.“ Na to reče zaručnica: „Ja“, reče, „koja sam čula ovaj glas sa suzama sam ovako odgovorila: O, moj Gospodine Bože, ja koja sam kao najmanji crv u Tvojoj vlasti Te molim da mi daš dopuštenje da Ti odgovorim.“ Glas odgovori i reče: „Znao sam tvoj odgovor prije nego što si pomislila na njega pa ipak ti dajem dopuštenje da govoriš.“ Na to zaručnica reče: „Pitam Te zašto Ti, o kralju sve slave i koji ulijevaš svu mudrost i izazivaš sve vrline i sam si vrlina, zašto želiš mene primiti za tu službu budući da sam svoje tijelo istrošila u grijehu, koja sam po mudrosti slična magarcu i nedostatna sam u vršenju vrlina? Najslađi Bože Isuse Kriste, ne srdi se što sam Te to pitala; jer Tebi se ne treba čuditi jer možeš sve što želiš; ali čudim se sebi jer sam Te u mnogome uvrijedila, a vrlo sam se malo popravila.“ Glas odgovori i reče: „Odgovorit ću ti kroz usporedbu. Bogatom i moćnom kralju su dali različite novčiće; kralj ih je nakon toga dao rastaliti i iz toga načiniti što mu se svidi, na primjer krune i prstenje iz zlatnih novčića, ključeve i posude za piće iz srebrnih novčića, kotao i tave iz bakrenih novčića i time se služio prema svojoj udobnosti i časti. Kao što se ne čudiš tome, jednako se tako manje trebaš čuditi da rado primam srca svojih prijatelja koja mi sami daju i iz njih činim što mi se sviđa. I ako poneki imaju veći, drugi pak manji razum, jedne koristim tako što mi poklanjanju svoje srce za jedno, a druge za drugo, ali sve na moju slavu i čast jer je srce pravednika novčić koji mi se veoma sviđa; i zato mogu nad onim što je moje raspolagati kako želim i budući da si moja, ne trebaš se čuditi tome što želim poduzeti s tobom. Samo budi postojana i nepokolebljiva u podnošenju i voljna učiniti sve što ću ti zapovjediti. Jer posvuda sam moćan da ti dam ono što trebaš.“ Sedamdeset i osmo poglavlje Sedamdeset i deveto poglavlje Osamdeseto poglavlje Osamdeset i prvo poglavlje Osamdeset i drugo poglavlje Osamdeset i treće poglavlje Osamdeset i četvrto poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i govori o tri muškarca koje je prevarila žena, jedan od njih se može usporediti s okrunjenim magarcem, drugi ima zečje srce, a treći sličnost s baziliskom. Zato žena uvijek treba biti podčinjena muškarcu. Sin reče: „Čita se o trojici koje je prevarila žena. Prvi je bio kralj kojeg je ljubavnica udarila u lice kad joj se nije nasmijao jer je bio toliko budalast da je nije obuzdao, niti se brinuo za svoju čast. Bio je za usporediti okrunjenom magarcu; magarcu zbog svoga budalaštva, okrunjenom zbog njegove časti. Drugi je bio Samson koji je, iako najjači, bio svladan od žene; imao je zečje srce jer nije mogao svladati jednu ženu. Treći je bio Salomon koji je bio sličan bazilisku čiji pogled ubija, ali je sam ubijen zrcalom. Tako je Salomon sve nadmašivao u mudrosti, ali lice žene ga je ubilo. Zato je nužno da žena bude podčinjena mužu.“ Osamdeset i peto poglavlje Krist razgovara s zaručnicom i govori su pred njim dva lista jedne knjige; na jednom je napisano trostruko milosrđe, na drugom pravednost; opominje je da se dok još ima vremena okrene milosrđu da poslije ne bi bila kažnjena pravednošću. Sin reče zaručnici: „Ja sam stvoritelj svih stvari. Pred sobom kao da imam dva lista. Na jednom je napisano milosrđe, na drugom pravednost. Tko se od grijeha okrene kajanju i odluči ih više ne počiniti, za njega milosrđe govori da će ga moj Duh zapaliti da čini dobra djela; tko se rado odvraća od ovih ispraznosti svijeta, njega moj Duh čini još gorljivijim; tko je štoviše spreman za mene umrijeti, njega će moj Duh tako daleko zapamtiti da će biti sav u meni i ja u njemu. Na drugom pak je listu napisana pravednost koja govori: 'Tko se sve dok ima vremena ne popravi i svjesno se odvrati od Boga, njega Otac neće braniti, niti će ga Sin pomilovati, niti Duh Sveti zapaliti.' Zato dok ima vremena marljivo razmotri list pravednosti jer svatko tko se spasi mora se očistiti vodom ili vatrom, to jest ili vodom male pokore u sadašnjem vremenu ili vatrom čistilišta u budućem sve dok se potpuno ne pročisti. Znaj i da ću jednom čovjeku kojeg poznaješ pokazao ova dva lista knjige milosrđa i pravednosti; ali on sad ismijava list mojeg milosrđa i ono što je lijevo, on smatra za desno i kao što se čaplja uzdiže nad ptice, on se želi uzdići nad ostale i zato se, ne bude li pazio, mora bojati da ne umre u podsmijehu i ne bude oduzet iz svijeta zajedno s pijancima i igračima.“ Tako se poslije i dogodilo; jer veselo je ustao od stola, ali su ga u noći ubili njegovi neprijatelji. Osamdeset i šesto poglavlje Majka Božja je govorila i rekla kako sliči cvijetu iz kojeg pčele izvlače slatkoću. Pčele su Božji sluge i izabranici koji iz nje dnevno izvlače slatkoću milosrđa i imaju duhovna krila i noge. Majka reče: „Ja sam Kraljica i Majka Milosrđa. Moj Sin, stvoritelj svih stvari, obuzet je tako slatkim osjećajem prema meni da mi je dao duhovni razum o svemu što je stvoreno. Zato sam vrlo slična cvijetu iz kojeg pčele prije svega izvlače slatkoću. Koliko god mnogo se iz njega skupi, u njemu ne ostaje ništa manje mnogo slatkoće. Tako svima mogu posredovati milosti i zadržavam još dovoljno. No i moji odabrani su slični pčelama kad su svom pobožnošću obuzeti za moju čast. Kao pčele imaju dvije noge, naime postojanu želju umnožiti moju čast; drugo, brižno rade i djelatni su koliko god mogu. Imaju i dva krila tako što se drže nedostojnima hvaliti me i poslušni su mi u svemu što se tiče moje časti. Imaju i žalac i umiru ukoliko ga izgube; to su nevolje svijeta koje im prije kraja života neće biti oduzete radi čuvanja vrlina; ali ja koja imam utjehe u izobilju ću ih tješiti.“ Osamdeset i sedmo poglavlje Osamdeset i osmo poglavlje Osamdeset i deveto poglavlje Devedeseto poglavlje Devedeset i prvo poglavlje Krist opominje zaručnicu da se treba četverostruko poniziti: pred moćnima svijeta, pred grešnicima, pred duhovnim Božjim prijateljima i pred siromasima svijeta. Sin reče zaručnici: „Trebaš se poniziti na četiri načina. Prvo pred moćnima svijeta jer je čovjek, otkad je prezreo pokoravati se Bogu, zavrijedio da se mora pokoravati ljudima. I budući da čovjek ne može biti bez vladara, mora se prigibati pred moćnima. Drugo, pred duhovnim siromasima, to jest pred grešnicima tako da moliš za njih i zahvaljuješ Bogu što možda nisi bila niti si sad kao oni. Treće, pred duhovnim bogatašima, to jest pred Božjim prijateljima tako da se smatraš nedostojnom služiti im i biti s njima u društvu. Četvrto, pred siromasima svijeta tako da im pomažeš, odijevaš ih i pereš im noge.“ Devedeset i drugo poglavlje Krist opominje zaručnicu da napreduje i ustraje u vrlinama tako da slijedi život svetih te tako postane njegova ruka; jer dokazuje da sveti postaju Kristova ruka. Sin reče: „Rekao sam ti prije da su moji prijatelji moja ruka. To je zaista istina jer u njima su Otac, Sin i Duh Sveti i moja majka zajedno s cijelom nebeskom vojskom. Božanstvo je kao srž bez koje nitko ne živi, kosti su moje čovještvo koje bilo jako da bi patilo; Duh Sveti je kao krv koja sve ispunja i obraduje; moja Majka je nasuprot tome kao meso u kojem su bili božanstvo i čovještvo i Duh Sveti; koža je cijela nebeska vojska. Kao što koža pokriva meso, tako moja majka premašuje sve svete u vrlinama. Jer koliko god anđeli bili čisti, ona je još čišća i koliko god ispunjeni Božjim Duhom proroci bili i koliko god mučenici bili mogli podnijeti, u mojoj je Majci Duh bio potpuniji i vatreniji i bila je više od mučenika; ako su se ispovjednici i suzdržavali od svega, moja Majka ipak ima savršenu suzdržljivost jer je u njoj bilo moje božanstvo zajedno s mojim čovještvom. Ako me dakle moji prijatelji imaju, u njima je moje božanstvo od kojeg duša živi; u njima je snaga mojeg čovještva po čemu postaju jaki sve do smrti i krv moga Duha po čemu je njihova volja pokretana prema svemu dobrom. Odmah nakon toga se njihovo meso ispuni mojoj krvlju i mesom ukoliko se ne žele zamrljati i uz pomoć moje milosti žele očuvati čistoću. Moja se koža povezala s njihovom ako oponašaju život i ponašanje mojih svetih. Zato se moji sveti s pravom nazivaju mojom rukom; i ti moraš s voljom koračati u dobru i nakon što ih budeš slijedila koliko možeš, postati njihov ud. Jer kao što ih povežem sa sobom vezom moga tijela, tako i ti moraš biti povezana s njima i sa mnom po tom mojem tijelu.“ Devedeset i treće poglavlje Krist razgovara s zaručnicom i nalaže joj tri stvari, naime: neka ne zahtjeva ništa osim hrane i odjeće; neka čezne za duhovnim samo prema Božjoj volji i neka se ne žalosti zbog ničega osim zbog svojih i tuđih grijeha. Također joj kazuje kako će oni koji u ovom životu svoje grijehe ne žele očistiti i popraviti strogošću pokore pred Božjim sudom biti vrlo oštro kažnjeni. Sin reče: „Nalažem ti tri stvari, naime: ne zahtijevaj ništa osim hrane i odjeće; drugo, čezni za duhovnim samo prema mojoj volji; treće, ne žalosti se zbog ničega osim zbog svojih i tuđih grijeha. Jer kad te dohvati bol, razmatraj strogoću mog suda. Možeš je razmotriti i naučiti je se bojati na onom čovjeku koji je već suđen. Kad je stupio u samostan, imao ne tri stvari na pameti, kako želi biti bez posla i imati svoje uzdržavanje bez brige i treće, mislio je: 'Ukoliko me zahvati tjelesna kušnja, nekom ću je se prilikom riješiti bez da se tjelesno miješam.' Zato je trostruko mučen; jer upravo jer je htio biti bez posla, riječima i udarcima je prisiljen na posao, drugo, podnosio je manjak tjelesne hrane i ogoljenost; treće, od svih je prezren i to tako jako da u požudi nije mogao imati prijatelje. Kad se približilo vrijeme da odabere poziv, mislio je ovako: 'Budući da u svijetu ipak neću moći živjeti bez rada, bolje je za mene biti u samostanu i raditi za Boga.' Zato je uz sudjelovanje takve volje k njemu došlo moje milosrđe zajedno s pravednošću da bi očišćen mogao dospjeti u vječnu slavu; jer nakon što je položio zavjet, odmah ga je pogodila teška bolest i bio je kušan takvom bolju da su mu oči izišle od boli, uši nisu ništa čule i svi su mu udovi zakazali jer je htio biti bez pritužbe i posla. Patio je i od veće ogoljenosti nego u svijetu i kad je imao ukusniju hranu, nije je mogao uživati, a kad je priroda zahtijevala, nije je imao. Tako se njegova priroda istrošila još prije smrti tako da je postao kao neprilična papuča. Nakon što je umro, došao je pred sud kao lopov jer je u redu htio biti po svojoj volji, a ne da bi pobožnije živio; ipak nije trebao biti osuđen kao lopov jer je ipak, iako je bio dijete i luđak u razumu i savjesti, svoju vjeru i nadu položio na mene, svoga Boga i zato je bio suđen prema milosrđu. No budući da njegov grijeh nije mogao potpuno biti očišćen tjelesnom mukom, njegova je duša još teško kažnjena u čistilištu kao kad bi se skinula koža i kosti stavilo pod prešu da i se srž mogla bolje istisnuti. Koliko će morati patiti oni čini se cijeli tok života provlači u grijehu, kojima se ne događa ništa neugodno niti to žele? Jao njima jer mi govore: 'Zašto je Bog umro ili čemu koristi njegova smrt?' Tako mi vraćaju što sam ih otkupio, što ih čuvam, dajem zdravlje i uzdržavanje. I zato ću od njih tražiti sud jer su slomili vjeru kojoj su se kod krštenja obvezali i jer dnevno griješe i preziru moje zapovijedi. Niti najmanje za što su u redu zaduženi neću ostaviti nekažnjeno.“ Objašnjenje Ovaj je brat imao jedan tajni grijeh koji nikad nije htio ispovjediti. Na Kristovu zapovijed mu je došla sveta Brigita i rekla: „Čini pažljivu pokoru; imaš nešto tajno u srcu i nećeš moći umrijeti sve dok to budeš držao zatvorenim.“ Onaj joj odgovori da nema ništa što nije priopćio pri svojoj pokori. A ona reče: „Ispitaj u kojoj si namjeri stupio u samostan i u kojoj si namjeri dosad živio u njemu i pronaći ćeš istinu u svojem srcu.“ Otvoren u suzama reče: „Blagoslovljen Bog koji mi te poslao. Kad si sad govorila o mojoj tajni, želim onima koji slušaju reći istinu. Imam nešto tajno u srcu što se nikad nisam usudio odati niti sam mogao jer kad god sam ispovijedao druge grijehe, moj je jezik bio kao vezan kad je došlo do ovog grijeha i spopao me preveliki strah tako da nisam priznao skrivenu muku moga srca. Kad god sam ispovjedio srce, uvijek sam našao novi završetak za svoje riječi tako što sam rekao: 'O, oče, priznajem vam krivnju za sve što sam rekao i za ono što nisam rekao.' pri čemu sam mislio da će tim završetkom svi moji tajni grijesi biti oprošteni. A sad bih, ženo, ukoliko se Bogu sviđa, cijelom svijetu rado rekao što sam u svome srcu tako dugo tajio.“ Kad je pozvan ispovjednik, pod suzama je potpuni iznio sve one grijehe i umro je još te iste noći. Devedeset i četvrto poglavlje Krist podučava zaručnicu lijepe molitve koje treba reći kad se oblači, kad ide k stolu i spavati. Također je opominje u svoj odjeći treba biti ponizna, a u svojim udovima časna i jednostavna. Sin Božji je razgovarao s zaručnicom i reče: „Vanjska ljepota predstavlja unutarnju koju čovjek treba imati. Zato kad stavljaš kapu ili veo kojim obuhvaćaš kosu, trebaš govoriti: O, Gospodine Bože, hvala Ti što si me nosio u mojem grijehu i budući da Te zbog svoje neumjerenosti nisam dostojna vidjeti, pokrivam svoju kosu.“ I Gospodin k tome doda: „Bludnost mi se tako gnuša da po meni djevica koja ima samo volju zastraniti nije čista djevica osim ako tu volju ne popravi pokorom. –Kad pokrivaš čelo, trebaš govoriti: O, Gospodine Bože, koji si stvorio sve i učinio čovjeka divnijeg od svega na svoju sliku, smiluj mi se! I budući da nisam čuvala ljepotu svoga lica na Tvoju čast, prekrivam svoje čelo. –Kad obuvaš cipele, govori ovako: Blagoslovljen Ti, Bože moj, koji mi zapovijedaš da imam cipele da bih bila jaka i da ne bih bila mlitava u Tvojoj službi; utješi me dakle da bih mogla putovati u Tvojim zapovijedima. Neka i u preostaloj tvojoj odjeći vlada poniznost i u svim tvojim udovima skromna čestitost. –Kad ideš za stol, govori ovako: O, Gospodine Bože, kad bi Ti, kao što možeš, htio da opstajem bez hrane, rado bih molila za to; ali budući da mi zapovijedaš skromno si uzimati hranu, molim Te, daj mi umjerenost u hrani da bih po Tvojoj milosti mogla jesti prema potrebi prirode, a ne kao što zahtijeva požuda mog mesa. –Kad kreneš spavati, trebaš reći: Blagoslovljen Ti, Bože, koji uređuješ izmjenu vremena nama za olakšanje i za utjehu tijela i duše; molim Te, daj mojem tijelu mir u ovoj noći i sačuvaj me neozlijeđenu od neprijateljeve moći i prevare.“ Devedeset i peto poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i objašnjava joj kako nepravedni vode svoje oružje i od čega se sastoji; kad se hvale grijehom s voljom da ustraju u njemu, bit će uklonjeni mačem strogoće božanske pravednosti. Sin Božji reče: „Ja sam kao kralj koji je izazvan na borbu. Đavao sa svojom vojskom stoji protiv mene. No ja sam u svojim namjerama i nakanama tako nepromjenjiv da bi se nebo i zemlja zajedno sa svim što je na njima i ispod njih srušili prije nego bih obrisao samo jednu točku pravednosti, dok je đavao tako jako obuzet ponosom da bi više volio da postoji toliko paklova kao i sunčevih zrnaca nego se poniziti. Neki od neprijatelja se već približavaju sudu i među nama udaljenost nije veća od dvije stope. Njihova zastava je podignuta, štit već na ruci, ruka za mačem iako još nije povučen. Ali moja strpljivost je tako velika da ne udaram ukoliko oni ne udare prvi. Na njihovoj zastavi piše: proždrljivost, pohlepa i požuda. Njihova kaciga je tvrdoća njihova srca jer se ne obaziru na kaznu pakla i ne promišljaju kako mi je grijeh odvratan. Otvori kacige su požuda tijela i volja da se svide svijetu; tako trče uokolo i vide što se ne smije vidjeti. Njihov štit je lažna vjera kojoj opravdavaju grijehe koje pripisuju slabosti tijela; zato preziru zbog grijeha moliti za oproštenje. Njihov mač je volja da ustraju u grijehu; još nije povučen jer njihova zloba još nije ispunjena; no bit će povučen kad budu imali volju griješiti tako dugo koliko žive i udaraju njime kad se hvale grijehom i žele ostati u stanju grijeha. Kad se tako njihova zloba ispuni, jedan glas u mojoj vojsci će povikati i reći: 'Sad udarite!' I onda će ih mač moje strogoće razoriti i svaki koji je tako naoružan će podlijeći kazni. Njihove duše će prigrabiti đavoli koji kao ptice grabljivice traže duše da ih bez prestanka rastrgavaju.“ Devedeset i šesto poglavlje Zaručnik objašnjava zaručnici što znači međuprostor od dvije stope i izvlačenje mača o čemu je govorio prethodnom poglavlju. Sin reče: „Prije sam ti rekao kako je između mene i neprijatelja udaljenost od samo dvije stope. Jedna od dviju stopa je nagrada za ona dobra djela koja su učinili za mene. Zato će se od ovog dana nadalje sramota umnažati, njihovo uživanje će postati gorkije, njihova radost će se oduzeti, a nevolje i boli će rasti. Druga stopa je njihova zloba koja još nije ispunjena, već kako se njeguje kazati da kad se nešto napuni, pukne, tako će i njih, kad im se tijelo i duša odvoje, sudac prokleti. Mač je pak volja griješiti. Zato je napola izvučen; jer kad se čast smanji i slijede odurnosti, jače se uplaši i zapali za grijeh. Sreća i čast im ne daju da mnogo razmišljaju o grijehu. No da bi ostvarili svoju požudu, sad žele živjeti dulje i još lakše griješe. Jao njima jer ako se ne poprave, već im se približava njihova propast.“ Devedeset i sedmo poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom o određenom prelatu i poručuje mu da ako po oholosti, po požudi i po svjetovnom zapletima izgubi toplinu pobožnosti i svetog razmatranja, ali se pred Bogom i bližnjim savršeno ponizi, opet će primiti božansku toplinu i božansko svijetlo tako da osjeti božansku slatkoću. Sin je po zaručnici razgovarao s određenim prelatom i reče mu: „Ti si sličan mlinskom kolu koje je nepokretno; dok čvrsto stoji i ne miče se, zrna u mlinu se ne mrve. Kolo predstavlja tvoju volju koja treba biti pokretna, ali ne prema tvojim željama i zahtjevima, već prema mojim; također se potpuno trebaš prepustiti u moje ruke. No ovo kolo je previše prema mojoj volji jer voda zemaljskog razmišljanja previše obuzima. Razmatranje mojih djela i mojih patnji je kao mrtvo u tvojem srcu, zato ti duševna hrana ne prija i nije po tvojem ukusu. Zato silom otvori začepljeni vodotok da bi voda otjecala i njezinim otjecanjem kolo došlo u pokret i zrna se lako mrvila. Prepreka koja zaustavlja vodu je oholost srca i ambicija čime se milost Duha Svetoga začepljuje i sve dobro čime duša treba donijeti plod se sprječava. Dohvati zato istinsku poniznost u svojem srcu; jer s njome će se slatkoća moga Duha uliti u tvoju dušu, a zemaljsko razmišljanje će isteći. Po njoj će se i tvoja volja pokrenuti i biti savršena prema mojoj volji. I onda ćeš početi svoja djela odvajati kao zrnje i smatrati moja za velika. Istinska poniznost je ne brinuti se za naklonost ljudi i njihove prigovore, doputovati na moj put koji je zaboravljen i zanemaren, ne tražiti izobilje i ravnati se prema jednostavnome. Voliš li taj put, onda ti je duhovno ukusno, onda će moje patnje i put mojih sveti postati sladak tvojem srcu. Onda ćeš spoznati koliko si dužnik duša koje si preuzeo upravljati. Budući da si se popeo na visinu kola dvjema nogama, to jest moći i čašću, tako je iz moći došla pohlepa, a iz časti oholost. Zato se spusti, ponizi se u srcu i moli ponizne da mole za tebe. Jer poslat ću ti svoju pravednost kao vrlo divlju rijeku i od tebe zahtijevati od tebe zadnji novčić , naime: račun o tvojoj sklonosti, o tvojim mislima, o tvojim govorima i djelima kao i dušama koje sam povjerio tvojoj brizi i koje sam sam otkupio svojoj krvlju.“ Devedeset i osmo poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i govori da grešnici i mlitavci moraju biti pogođeni s četiri strijele, to jest četiri kazne da bi ponizno bili privedeni natrag na kajanje i popravljanje života. Sin reče: „Želim svojim prijateljima dati četiri strijele. Njima prvo moraju gađati onoga koji je slijep na jedno oko; drugo, na onoga koji je hrom na jednu nogu; treće, na onoga koji je gluh na jedno uho; četvrto, na onoga koji leži oboren na zemlji. Slijep na jedno oko je onaj koji vidi, ali ne uvažava Božje zapovijedi i djela mojih svetih, a jedno oko ima na radostima svijeta i želi ih. Takav mora biti pogođen na način da mu se kaže: ‘Sličiš Luciferu koji je gledao najvišu Božju ljepotu, ali je budući da je bez prava želio što nije smio, pao u pakao kamo ćeš i ti ići ako se ne urazumiš po tome da spoznaš Božje propise i uvidiš kako je sve u svijetu prolazno. Zato je najbolje da se čvrsto držiš onoga što je sigurno i da pustiš prolazno da ne bi išao u pakao.’ Hrom na jednu nogu je onaj koji osjeća kajanje i žao mu je zbog počinjenih grijeha, ali se ipak trudi postići zemaljsku korist i dobitak koji pripadaju svijetu. Njega se treba gađati tako da mu se kaže: 'Trudiš se za korist tijela koje će uskoro jesti crvi; zato na plodan način radi za svoju dušu koja treba vječno živjeti.' Gluh na jedno uho je onaj koji želi čuti moje i riječi mojih svetih, ali drugo uho ima otvoreno za lakoumno brbljanje i za ono što se tiče svijeta. Zato mu se treba reći: 'Sličan si Judi koji je jednim uhom slušao Božje riječi koje su na drugo opet izašle. Što mu je dakle koristio govor koji je čuo? Zato zatvori svoje uši za nepromišljeno slušanje da bi mogao dospjeti do pjesme anđela.' Onaj koji potpuno leži oboren na zemlji je onaj koji se zapleo u zemaljsko, ali ipak želi misli na to i želi znati put na kojem se može popraviti. Tom čovjeku treba ovako reći: 'Tvoje vrijeme je kratko kao trenutak; no kazna pakla i slava svetih je vječna. Da bi mogao doći k pravom životu, neka ti ne bude mučno na sebe uzeti nešto teško i gorko; jer kao što je Bog ljubazan, tako je i pravedan.' Tko je pogođen tako da strijela krvavo izlazi iz srca, to jest tko osjeća iskreno kajanje i tko uhvati nakanu popravka, njemu ću uliti ulje svoje milosti pomoću koje će svi njegovi udovi ozdraviti.“ Devedeset i deveto poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i žali se zbog Židova koji su ga razapeli kao i zbog kršćana koji su prezreli njega i njegovu pravednost i ljubav tako što namjerno i svjesno griješe protiv njegovih zapovijedi i preziru osude Crkve o ekskomunikaciji pod izlikom da je Bog milosrdan; zato im prijeti gnjevom i bijesom svoje pravednosti. Majka reče: „Kako li je mnogo moj Sin patio one noći kad mu se približio i poljubio ga izdajica Juda kojem se sagnuo, jer Juda je bio malen rastom, i rekao: 'Prijatelju, zašto si došao?' I odmah su ga neki ščepali, drugi su ga vukli za kosu, drugi su ga uprljali pljuvačkom.“ Potom je govorio Sin i reče: „Smatraju me za crva koji kao mrtav leži u zimi, na kojeg prolaznici pljuju po čijim leđima gaze. Taj su me dan Židovi sa mnom postupali kao s crvom jer su me smatrali najpokvarenijim, najnevrjednijim. Tako me preziru i kršćani jer sve što sam iz ljubavi za njih učinio i podnio smatraju ispraznim. Kao da gaze po mojim leđima kad se više boje i časte ljude nego mene, svoga Boga, kad se ne uopće ne obaziru na moju pravednost i u svojoj samovolji propisuju vrijeme i mjeru mojem milosrđu. Također, kao da me udaraju po zubima kad, nakon što su čuli moje zapovijedi i patnje, govore: 'Činimo u sadašnjosti što nam se sviđa; zbog toga nećemo ništa manje imati nebo; jer da nas je Bog upropastiti ili kazniti za vječnost, ne bi nas otkupio na tako gorak način.' No oni će osjetiti moju pravednost; jer kao što ni najmanje dobro ne ostaje neuzvraćeno, tako niti najmanje zlo neće ostati nekažnjeno. Preziru me i gaze po meni kad ne uvažavaju osudu Crkve, naime ekskomunikaciju. Kao što se ekskomunicirane javno izbjegava, tako će oni biti odvojeni od mene jer kazna ekskomunikacije ako je se poznaje i prezire teže škodi od tjelesnog mača. Zato ću ja, koji izgledam kao crv, sad po svojoj strašnoj pravednosti opet postati živ i doći ću tako strašno da će oni koji će vidjeti govoriti brdima: 'Padnite na nas pred Božjim gnjevom.'“ Stoto poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i kaže joj da je ona kao svirala Duha Svetoga kroz koju on stvara ljupku glazbu na svoju čast i na korist narodima. Zato je izvana želi posrebriti dobrim ponašanjem i mudrošću, a iznutra posrebriti istinskom poniznošću i čistoćom srca. Sin reče zaručnici: „Trebaš biti kao svirala na kojoj svirač stvara ljupku glazbu. Vlasnik svirale je posrebruje izvana da bi se činila dragocjenom, a iznutra je pozlaćuje dugotrajnim zlatom. Tako i ti trebaš biti posrebrena dobrim ponašanjem i ljudskom mudrošću da bi mogla uvidjeti što si dužna Bogu i svojem bližnjem i što koristi tvojem tijelu za vječni spas. Iznutra pak trebaš biti pozlaćena poniznošću tako da se ne želiš svidjeti nikome doli meni i da se ne bojiš zbog mene biti neugodna ljudima. Svirač dalje čini tri stvari na svojoj svirali: prvo je ovija u fino platno da se ne uprlja; drugo, radi kutiju u kojoj je može čuvati; treće, na kutiju stavlja bravu tako da je lopov ne može ukrasti. Tako se i ti trebaš uviti u čistoću tako da se ne uprljaš osjetilnom požudom i veseljem. Umjesto toga rado radi i brini se da budeš sama druženje sa zlim ljudima kvari dobre običaje. Brava je marljivi nadzor tvojih osjetila i svega unutrašnjeg tako da kod svih svojih radnji vodiš računa da te đavlova zloba ne opčini. Ključ pak je Duh Sveti; on treba otvoriti tvoje srce prema tome kako mi se sviđa na moju čast i na korist ljudima.“ Sto i prvo poglavlje Majka Božja govori i kaže kako je srce njezina Sina vrlo ljupko, čisto i slatko i tako preplavljeno ljubavlju da kad bi grešnik stajao na vratima, ali bi ga pozvao s voljom da se popravi, odmah bi bio oslobođen. K srcu Boga se dospijeva poniznošću istinskog kajanja i pobožnim i čestim razmatranjem njegovih muka. Majka Božja reče: „Srce mojeg Sina je nadasve ljupko kao med i vrlo čisto kao najčišći izvor iz kojeg proizlazi sve što je kreposno i dobro. On je i najslađi. Jer što je za razumnog čovjeka slađe od toga da razmatra ljubav mojeg Sina pri stvaranju i otkupljenju, pri njegovu radu, podučavanju, u njegovoj ljubaznosti i njegovoj strpljivosti? Njegova ljubav ne otječe kao voda, već je postojano trajna jer njegova ljubav ostaje kod ljudi sve do posljednjeg trenutka tako da kad bi grešnik već stajao na vratima propasti, ali bi mu još od tamo povikao s voljom da se popravi, on bi ga oslobodio. Za dospjeti k Božjem srcu su dalje dva puta. Prvi je poniznost istinskog kajanja i ono uvodi čovjeka u Božje srce i duhovni razgovor; drugi je razmatranje muka mojeg Sina koje iz čovječjeg srca izvlači tvrdoću i čini da radosno ide prema Božjem srcu.“ Sto i drugo poglavlje Sto i treće poglavlje Dok je Kristova zaručnica molila, vidjela je u ukazanju kako se sveti Dionizije molio Djevici Mariji za Francusku. Dok sam molila, vidjela sam kako se sveti Dionizije molio Djevici Mariji i reče: „Kraljice Milosrđa, ti si ta kojoj je dano sve milosrđe i ti si postala Majka Božja na spas siromašnih; smiluj se zato Francuskoj, tvojem i mojem kraljevstvu, i to tvojem jer te njegovi stanovnici časte u svojoj mjeri, a mojem jer sam njihov zaštitnik i imaju povjerenje u mene. Ti vidiš kako mnoge duše svakog sata stoje u opasnosti, kako su ljudska tijela obarana kao životinje i kako, što je gore, duše kao snijeg padaju u pakao. Tješi ih zato i moli za njih jer si njihova gospođa i pomoćnica sviju.“ Majka Božja odgovori: „Idi mojem Sinu i daj da radi ove koja ovdje stoji čujemo što će odgovoriti.“ Sto i četvrto poglavlje Sto i peto poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i kaže joj način na koji treba uspostaviti mir između kraljeva Francuske i Engleske. Ne budu li se kraljevi obazreli, bit će vrlo teško kažnjeni. Sin reče: „Ja sam kralj kojeg se treba bojati i častiti ga. Zato ću im zbog molitava moje Majke postavi svoje riječi. Ja sam pravi mir i gdje je mir, ja sam sigurno tamo. Žele li oba kralja Francuske i Engleske imati mir, dat ću im trajan mir. No ne može se imati pravi mir ukoliko se ne voli istinu i pravednost. Budući da jedan od kraljeva ima pravo, sviđa mi se da se mir sklopi ženidbom i da kraljevstvo tako dospije zakonitim baštinicima. Drugo, želim da budu jedno srce i jedna duša u širenju kršćanske vjere gdje se to u prikladno vrijeme može dogoditi na moju čast. Treće, trebaju dokinuti nepodnošljive poreze i odustati od svojih varljivih ideja i voljeti duše svojih podređenih. Ukoliko kralj koji sad ima pravo ne želi poslušati, neka vrlo sigurno zna da u svojim djelima neće imati sreće, već će svoj život završiti u bolima i svoje kraljevstvo ostaviti u mukama. Njegov sin i generacija nalazit će se u gnjevu, sramoti i zbrci tako da će se svi čuditi. Ali bude li kralj koji je u pravu htio slijediti, pomoći ću mu i boriti se za njega. No ne posluša li, neće postići svoju želju nego još i izgubiti što je već primio. Jer radostan početak će zamračiti bolan svršetak. Žele li ljudi u kraljevstvu Francuske dohvatiti istinsku poniznost, kraljevstvo će dospjeti zakonitim baštinicima i dobru miru.“ Sto i šesto poglavlje Krist kaže zaručnici da se ne treba bojati u poslušnosti prema duhovnom ocu prekinuti post jer to nije grijeh. Također je opominje da bude postojana i kušnjama pruža neprestani otpor i da ima čvrstu volju da ustraje u dobru po uzoru na Djevicu Mariju, Davida i Abrahama. Sin reče: „Zašto se bojiš? Kad bijela i četiri puta dnevno, ne bi ti se uračunalo u grijeh kad bi ti učinila s dozvolom onoga koga si obvezna slušati. Zato budi postojana. Trebaš biti kao ratnik koji u ratu ranjen od mnogih rana neprijatelju vraća još mnogo gore rane i to je revniji za borbu što ga neprijatelji jače napadaju. Također trebaš udariti neprijatelja, biti postojana i imati razumnu volju ustrajati u dobru. Đavla obaraš onda kad ne prihvatiš kušnje, već se hrabro odupireš, to jest kad oholosti suprotstaviš poniznost, a proždrljivosti suzdržljivost. Postojana si kad u nevolji ne mrmljaš protiv Boga, već sve veselo podnosiš, sve pripisuješ svojim grijesima i zahvaljuješ Bogu. Tvoja volja je razumna onda kad ne želiš nagradu osim prema mojoj volji i kad se potpuno prepustiš mojim rukama. Prvo od ove tri stvari, udariti neprijatelja, Lucifer nije imao jer je odmah prihvatio svoju namjeru; zato je nepovratno pao i kako nije imao nikoga tko bi ga potaknuo na njegovo zlo, tako nema ni nikoga da mu vrati izgubljeno. Drugo, postojanost Juda nije imao, već je očajavao i objesio se; treće, dobru volju, Pilat nije imao jer je imao revnu želju svidjeti se Židovima i bio je zabrinut samo za svoju čast umjesto da me oslobodi. Ali prvo, udariti neprijatelja, imala je moja Majka koja koliko god je kušnji imala, toliko je pružala i suprotstavljala otpor; drugo je imao David koji je u protivnostima bio strpljiv i u svojem padu nije stupio u očaj; treće, savršenu volju, imao je Abraham koji nije samo napustio svoju domovinu, već je htio žrtvovati i svojeg jedinorođenog sina. Njih i ti slijedi prema svojim snagama.“ Sto i sedmo poglavlje Sto i osmo poglavlje Sto deveto poglavlje Marija kaže da duhovni čovjek, nakon što se kroz napor i rad pokore, ljubavi i strpljivosti obrati, mora do kraja iskupiti prijašnje izgubljeno vrijeme da Bogu ne bi ponudio prazan orah. Marija reče: „Kad se gospodaru prikazuju orasi, ponekad su neki od njih prazni. Da bi ih se gospodaru učinilo prijatnijima, moraju se ispuniti. Tako je i s duhovnim djelima. Mnogi ostvaruju više dobrih djela da bi radi njih umanjili svoj grijeh da ne bi išli u pakao. Ali prije i za vrijeme tih dobrih djela je bilo mnogih vremena koja su bila prazna dobrim djelima i koja se sva moraju ispuniti dok je vrijeme za raditi, a kad nije, kajanje i ljubav nadoknađuju sve. Tako je Marija Magdalena Gospodinu prikazala svoje orahe, to jest svoja dobra djela. Među tim orasima su poneki bili prazni budući da je mnogo vremena koristila za griješenje, ali ih je s vremenom opet nadoknadila strpljivošću i naporom. I Ivan Krstitelj je Bogu prikazao pune orahe budući da je Bogu služio od mladosti i prikazao mu sve svoje vrijeme. Apostoli kao da su Bogu prikazali napola pune orahe budući da su prije svojeg obraćenja imali mnogo nesavršena vremena. Ali ja koja sam Majka Božja sam prinijela pune orahe koji su bili slađi od meda jer sam od mladosti bila ispunjena milošću i ostala sam očuvana u milosti. Zato kažem da iako će čovjeku grijesi biti otpušteni, prijašnja neplodna vremena se ipak sve dok čovjek ima vremena iskupiti strpljivošću i radom ljubavi.“ Sto deseto poglavlje Krist podučava zaručnicu koja je razlika između dobrog duha i đavlove obmane i kako oboma treba odgovoriti. Sin reče: „Kako treba prepoznati moj duh kad postoje dva duha, jedan dobar i jedan zao? Reći ću ti. Moj duh je topao o čini dvije dobre stvari. Prvo, izaziva da se ne žudi za ničim osim na Bogom; drugo, daje najvišu poniznost i preziranje svijeta. Zao duh je nasuprot tome hladan i vruć. Hladan jer sve što ima veze s Bogom čini gorkim; vruć je zato jer čovjeku ulijeva sklonost prema požudi tijela i oholosti svijeta i potpiruje žudnju za vlastitu hvalu. Zato dolazi blago kao prijatelj, ali je kao zajedljiv pas. Dolazi kao sladak tješitelj, ali je najgori postavljač zamki. Zato dođe li, reci mu ovako: 'Ne želim te jer je tvoj kraj zao.' Dođe li dobar duh, trebaš mu reći: 'Dođi, Gospodine, kao vatra i zapali moje srce jer premda Te nisam vrijedan imati Te, ipak Te trebam radi svojeg dijela, dok Ti zbog mene nećeš biti bolji i ne trebaš moje, već ću po Tebi biti bolji i bez Tebe sam ništa.'“ Sto jedanaesto poglavlje Sto dvanaesto poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i govori da se brižno čuva od poroka oholosti da se ne bi uzvisila ljepotom svojih udova ili dobrima obitelji; oholi se uspoređuje s leptirom koji ima široka krila, ali nema tijelo. Sin reče zaručnici: „Ne daj se uznemiravati oholosti ljudi; jer ubrzo će proći. Postoji vrsta kukaca koji se zovu leptiri. Oni imaju široka krila, ali nemaju tijelo, nadalje raznolike boje, na kraju zbog lakoće svoga tijela lete visoko, ali kad se uzdignu u zrak, brzo padaju na prvi najbolji predmet koji je u blizini bio to kamen ili drvo jer u tijelu imaju samo malu snagu. Ta vrsta kukaca predstavlja ohole koji imaju široka krila i malo tijelo; njihovo se srce po oholosti napuhava kao koža po napuhanom vjetru; također vjeruju da sve imaju zbog svojih zasluga, stavljaju se ispred drugih, smatraju se vrjednijima od ostalih i kad bi mogli, proširili bi svoje ime po cijelom svijetu. No budući da je njihov život kratak kao trenutak, padaju kad na to ne misle. Drugo, oholi imaju različite boje kao leptir; jer ponosni su na ljepotu udova, dobra, obitelj i mijenjaju svoje stanje na svako nadahnuće oholosti, ali kad umru, nisu ništa drugo doli zemlja. Treće, kad se popnu na najviši stupanj ponosa, oholi na opasan način u jednom trenutku padaju u smrt. Zato se čuvaj oholosti jer odvraća lice Božje od ljudi i moja milost ne ulazi onome koga je obuzela oholost.“ Sto trinaesto poglavlje Sto četrnaesto poglavlje Sto petnaesto poglavlje Sto šesnaesto poglavlje Krist se žali zaručnici na podane i Židove, ali posebice na zle kršćane zato jer svete sakramente ne primaju pobožno i čisto kako priliči i jer zanemaruju stvaranje, otkupljenje i božansku utjehu. Sin reče: „Razgovaram s tobom kroz usporedbu o tri čovjeka. Prvi govori: 'Ne vjerujem niti da si čovjek, niti da si Bog.' Jedan takav je poganin. Drugi, to jest Židov, vjeruje da sam Bog, ali ne da sam čovjek. Treći, naime kršćanin, vjeruje da sam čovjek i Bog, ali ne vjeruje mojim riječima. No ja sam onaj o kojem se čuo Očev glas: 'Ovo je Sin moj ljubljeni i tako dalje.' Zato se žalim od strane svojeg božanstva da što me ljudi ne žele slušati. Ja sam povikao i rekao: 'Ja sam početak, vjerujete li u mene, imat ćete život vječni.' Ali prezreli su riječi. Vidjeli su moć moga božanstva kad sam probudio mrtve i mnogo drugog, no ipak nisu na to pazili. Žalim se i od strane svojeg čovještva jer se nitko ne brine za ono što sam odredio u svetoj Crkvi. U Crkvi sam naime postavio sedam posuda po kojima se svi trebaju očistiti. Odredio sam krštenje za čišćenje istočnog grijeha, potvrdu na znak božanske pomirbe, sveto ulje za jačanje protiv smrti, pokoru za oproštenje svih grijeha, svete riječi da bi njima posvetili i uspostavili sakramenti, svećeništvo za štovanje, spoznaju i sjećanje na božansku ljubav, brak za sjedinjenje srdaca. Njih se treba primati s poniznošću, zaštititi čistoćom i dijeliti bez pohlepe. Ali sad ih se prima s ohološću, čuva ih se u nečistim posudama i dijeli s pohlepom. Žalim se i na to da ako me čovjek nakon što sam se radi spasa ljudi rodio i umro ne voli zato što sam ga stvorio, barem ne voli zbog toga što sam ga otkupio. No sad me ljudi odbacuju iz svojeg srca kao gubavca i gnušaju me se kao nečisti dronjak. Žalim se i od strane svojeg božanstva što ljudi odbacuju utjehu tog božanstva i ne obaziru se na njegovu ljubav.“ Sto sedamnaesto poglavlje Zaručnica je čula kako Bog sam žuri ususret onima koji istinski žude za njim i tješi ih kao ljubazni otac i ono što je teško im čini lakim. Dok je netko moli Očenaš, zaručnica kako Duh govori: „Prijatelju, odgovaram od strane božanstva da ćeš sa svojim Ocem imati baštinu; od strane čovještva pak da ćeš biti moj hram; treće, od strane Duha Svetoga da nećeš imati kušnji nego što možeš nositi. Jer Otac će te štititi, čovještvo će ti pomagati, a Duh te zapaliti. Kao što majka kad čuje sinov glas mu radosno žuri u susret i kao što otac kad svojeg sina kako radi mu priskače usred puta priskače i olakšava mu teret, tako i ja trčim svojim prijateljima ususret, činim im sve što je teško lakim i dajem im da mogu veselo nositi. I kao što netko tko vidi nešto prijatno ne nalazi utjehu ako tome ne dođe bliže, tako se ja približavam onima koji žude za mnom.“ Dodatak Ovaj redovnik je u svećenikovim rukama u trenutku podizanja tijela Kristova vidio našeg Gospodina Isusa Krista u obličju djeteta kako mu govori: „Ja sam Sin Božji i Sin Djevice.“ Predvidio je način i vrijeme svoje smrti u godinu o čemu se može čitati u mnogo poglavlja u legendi svete Brigite. Redovnikovo se zvao Gerekinus. Sto osamnaesto poglavlje Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i govori da Otac k sebi vuče one i usavršava njihovu dobru volju na dobro kod kojih vidi da zlu volju radosno i sa željom da se poprave pretvaraju u dobru. Sin reče: „Tko mi se želi pridružiti, mora svoju volju okrenuti prema meni i pokajati se za ono što je počinio. Onda će ga moj Otac povući k savršenstvu. Jer Otac vuče onoga koji svoju zlu volju pretvara u dobru i želi popraviti ono što je počinio. Ali kako Otac vuče? Sigurno tako što dobru volju usavršava u dobro. Jer kad sklonost ne bi bila dobra, Otac ne bi imao ništa za vući. No za neke sam tako hladan da im se moj put nikako ne bi svidio. Za druge pak sam tako vruć da kad moraju učiniti nešto dobro, izgledaju kao da su u vatri. Drugima sam tako sladak da ne žele ništa osim mene. Njima ću dati radost koja nikad neće prestati.“ Sto devetnaesto poglavlje Majka nabraja sedam dobara koja su u Kristu i sedam suprotnosti kojima mu ljudi uzvraćaju. Majka reče: „Moj sin ima sedmerostruku slavu. On je najmoćniji i kao vatra koja razara sve; drugo, najmudriji čiju mudrost nitko ne može obuhvatiti ništa više kao ni iscrpiti more; treće, najjači kao nepomičan brijeg; četvrto, ima najveću vrlinu kao pčelinjak; peto, najljepši je i sjaji kao sunce; šesto, najpravedniji kao kralj koji protiv svoje pravednosti ne štedi nijednog čovjeka; sedmo, najljubazniji kao gospodar koji se sam predaje za život svojih slugu. Nasuprot tome, podnio je sedam teških stvari; jer zbog moći je postao kao crv; zbog mudrosti je smatran najbudalastijeg; zbog snage je povezan kao dijete u pelene; zbog ljepote je smatran gubavcem; zbog vrline je stajao gol i vezan; zbog pravednosti je smatran lažljivcem; zbog svoje dobrote je umro.“ Sto dvadeseto poglavlje Krist govori zaručnici da postoje dvije vrste uživanja, duhovno i tjelesno. Duhovno uživanje postoji kad se duša raduje Božjim dobročinstvima; tjelesna kad se kod željenih potreba uzme okrjepa. Sin govori: „Između mene i njega se nalazi nešto kao membrana koja ga sprječava uživati u mojoj duši jer mu nešto drugo pravi radost.“ A zaručnica koja je to čula reče Gospodinu: „Hoće li ikad imati uživanje?“ Gospodin odgovori: „Postoje dva uživanja, jedno duhovno i jedno tjelesno. Tjelesno ili prirodno uživanje se događa kad se nakon željenih potreba uzme okrjepa pri čemu čovjek treba misliti ovako: 'O, Gospodine, budući da si zapovjedio da se okrijepimo samo za nuždu, bila Ti hvala; daj mi milost da mi se pod užitak ne ušulja grijeh.' Ali kad se uspne radost nad vremenitim dobrima, čovjek treba misliti ovako: 'O, Gospodine, sve zemaljsko je samo zemlja i prolazno, zato mi daj da to tako koristim da ti o svemu mogu znati položiti račun.' Duhovna radost se događa kad se duša raduje Božjim dobročinstvima i vremenito koristi protiv volje i time se bavi samo radi nužde. Membrana se raskida kad je Bog duši sladak i kad je njegov strah stalno u srcu.“ Sto dvadeset i prvo poglavlje Kako što redovnika ne čini odijelo, već vrlina poslušnosti i slijeđenja pravila i kako istinsko kajanje srca s namjerom popravljanja otima dušu iz đavolje ruke. Đavao se pojavio i reče: „Gledaj, redovnik mi je pobjegao i ostala je samo njegova slika.“ A Gospodin mu reče: „Objasni što misliš.“ Đavao reče: „Iako neradno, učinit ću to. Istinski redovnik je sam svoj čuvar; njegova odijelo je poslušnost i promatranje svojih zavjeta jer kao što se tijelo pokriva haljinom, tako duša vrlinama. Vanjsko odijelo tako ne koristi ništa ako se ne čuva unutarnje jer redovnika ne čini odijelo, već vrlina. Ovaj redovnik mi je pobjegao jer je mislio ovako: 'Prepoznajem svoj grijeh i od sad ću se popraviti i s Božjom milošću neću nikad više griješiti.' Po toj volji je razdvojen od mene i sad je Tvoj.“ Njemu odvrati Gospodin: „Kako sad još preostaje slika?“ A đavao reče: „Ako ne dovede u sjećanje počinjene grijehe i ako nad njima ne osjeti kako bi trebalo savršeno kajanje.“ Objašnjenje Ovaj redovnik je u svećenikovim rukama u trenutku podizanja tijela Kristova vidio našeg Gospodina Isusa Krista u obličju djeteta kako mu govori: „Ja sam Sin Božji i Sin Djevice.“ Predvidio je način i vrijeme svoje smrti u godinu o čemu se može čitati u mnogim poglavlja u legendi svete Brigite. Redovnikovo se zvao Gerekinus. Vodio je i vrlo suzdržan život. Kad je trebao umrijeti, ugledao je zlatno pismo koje je sadržavalo tri slova P, O i T od zlata. To je ispričao svojoj braći i reče: „Dođi, Petre, požurite. Olaf i Thordo.“ Nakon što ih je pozvao, preminuo je.Tri pozvana su umrli u jednom tjednu i slijedili su ga. O istom bratu je govor i u pedeset i petom poglavlju dodanim objavama gdje se govori: „Jedan redovnik sveta žitova ovog samostana Alvastre i tako dalje.“ Sto dvadeset i drugo poglavlje Kako život jednog raspuštenog i mlačnog čovjeka sliči uskom i opasnom mostu s kojeg će ga neprijatelj đavao, ukoliko se brzo ne obrati i ne skoči u brod pokore i vrlina, strovaliti u dubinu ponora. „Ono je moj smrtni neprijatelj jer me ismijava i izruguje. Ispunjava svu svoju volju i svu svoju žudnju kako može. On je kao onaj koji se nalazi na uskom mostu na čijoj lijevoj strani vrlo veliki ponor iz kojeg se nitko tko u njega upadne ne vraća. Na njegovoj desnoj strani stoji brod na kojem će, ukoliko uskoči na njega, mučno uteći, ali imati nadu života. Taj most je njegov tužan i kratak život u kojem ne stoji kao muževan čovjek koji se bori, niti kao putnik koji dan za danom kroči i napreduje na putu, već leži lijenčina i želi piti iz vode požude. Predstoje mu dvije sudbine. Ako ustane s mosta, ili će pasti u ponor, to jest u dubinu pakla ukoliko se okrene lijevo, to jest djelima tijela, ili će, ako skoči u brod, mučno uteći ukoliko usvoji strogost svete Crkve i njezinu poduku; iako mu je teško, time će se spasiti. Zato neka se što prije okrene da ga neprijatelj ne bi strovalio s mosta jer će onda zvati, ali neće biti uslišan već će biti kažnjen za vječnost.“ Dodatak Kad je ovaj vidio da se kralj promijenio i da ne može više na uobičajen način kod njega biti saslušan, razvio je zlu volju prema gospođi Brigiti i izlio je na nju visoko s jednog prozora dok je išla jednom uskom ulicom vodu. Ona je rekla onima koji su tamo stajali: „Neka ga Bog poštedi i ne naplati mu na budućem svijetu.“ Na to se Krist pojavio gospođi Brigiti pod misom i reče: „Onaj čovjek koji je iz zlobe s prozora nad tebe izlio vodu žeđa za krvlju. Prolio je krv; on želi zemlju, a ne mene; govori smiono protiv mene; časti svoje tijelo, umjesto tijelo mene njegova Boga i isključio me iz svojeg srca. Neka se čuva da ne umre u svojoj krvi.“ Nakon toga je ovaj čovjek živio još kratko vrijeme i umro je od isteka krvi iz nosa kao što mu je bilo prorečeno. Sto dvadeset i treće poglavlje Krist brani svoju zaručnicu Brigitu to jest dušu obraćenu od svijeta duhovnom životu koju su otac i majka, sestra i brat pokušali odvratiti od ljubavi prema njemu i od djevičanskog braka. Sin reče zaručnici: „Ja sam kao zaručnik koji se zaručio sa zaručnicom koju otac i majka, sestra i brat traže natrag. Otac govori: 'Vrati natrag mi moju kćer; rođena je od moje krvi.' Majka govori: 'Vrati mi natrag moju kćer; ona je hranjena mojim mlijekom.' Sestra govori: 'Vrati mi natrag moju sestru jer je odgojena sa mnom.' Brat govori: 'Vrati mi opet moju sestru jer je moram voditi.' Zaručnik im odgovara: 'O, oče, ako je rođena od tvoje krvi, sad mora biti ispunjena mojoj krvlju. O, majko, ako si je hranila svojim mlijekom, sad je želim hraniti svojom nasladom. O, sestro, ako je othranjena na tvoj način, sad će slijediti moj način. O, brate, ako je do sad upravljao, sad je moja dužnost da je upravljam.' Tako je bilo s tobom; jer kad te otac, to jest požuda tijela zahtijeva natrag, moja je dužnost ispuniti te svojom ljubavlju; ako te majka, to jest briga za svijet želi zadržati, pripada mi te nahraniti mlijekom svoje utjehe; ako te sestra, to jest navika svjetovnog ophođenja zahtjeva natrag, dužna si naprotiv njegovati moje ophođenje; ako te brat opet zahtjeva, to jest vlastita volja, obvezana si činiti moju.“ Sto dvadeset i četvrto poglavlje Kako blažena Agneza Kristovoj zaručnici stavlja krunu sa sedam dragulja, naime strpljivost u muci i tako dalje. Agneza je razgovarala s zaručnicom i reče: „Dođi ovamo, kćeri moja i stavi si krunu koja je izrađena od sedam dragocjenih kamena. Što je drugo ta kruna doli dokaz strpljivosti koja je taljena u muci i koju je Bog ukrasio? Prvi kamen te krune je jaspis; njega ti je stavio onaj koji ti je podrugljivo govorio i rekao da ne zna po kojem duhu govoriš i da bi ti bolje koristilo da predeš kao i ostale žene umjesto da raspravljaš o pismima. Kao što jaspis oštri lice i zapaljuje radost srca, tako i Bog iz muke zapaljuje radost u srcu, rasvjetljuje razum za duhovno i ubija u duši neuredne pokrete. Drugi kamen je safir. Njega ti je stavio onaj koji ti je u lice govorio prijateljski, a iza leđa ti je sjekao čast. Kao što je safir nebeske boje i udove drži u zdravlju, tako zloba ljudi kuša pravednika tako da postaje nebeski i čuva udove duše da se ne bi uzdigla u oholosti. Treći kamen je smaragd. Toga ti je unio onaj koji je rekao: 'Pričala si stvari koje nisi niti mislila, niti zaista rekla.' Kao što je smaragd po sebi slomljiv, ali ipak lijep i po boji zelen, tako će i laž ubrzo postati ništavnom, ali čini dušu pomoću nagrade lijepom. Četvrti kamen je biser. Njega ti je stavio onaj koji je u tvojoj prisutnosti ogovarao Božjeg prijatelja ogovaranjem zbog kojeg ti je bilo više žao nego da je bilo o tebi. Kao što je biser bijel i lijep i blaži patnje srca, tako bol ljubavi uvodi Boga u srce i smiruje strasti gnjeva i nestrpljivosti. Peti kamen je topaz. Njega je unio onaj koji ti je rekao gorke stvari zbog čega si ga blagoslovila. Kao što je topaz žute boje i čuva čistoću i ljepotu, tako Bogu ništa nije ljepše i prijatnije kad ljubimo onoga koji nas je ozlijedio i kad molimo za svoje progonitelje. Šesti kamen je dijamant. Njega ti je unio onaj koji te tjelesno oštetio što si strpljivo podnijela i zbog čega ga nisi htjela obeščastiti. Kao što se dijamant ne da slomiti udarcima, već samo jarčevom krvi, tako se Bogu sviđa kad čovjek zaboravi tjelesnu štetu i radi Boga uvijek razmišlja o tome što je Bog učinio za čovjeka. Sedmi kamen je prozirac (krizolit? carbuncle). Njega ti je unio onaj koji ti je donio lažne vijesti da ti je sin Karlo umro što si strpljivo prihvatila tako što si svoju volju povjerila Bogu. Kao što prozirac svijetli u kući i vrlo je lijep na prstenu, tako i čovjek koji pri gubitku vrlo dragocjene stvari ostane strpljiv privlači Boga da ga voli; svijetli pred licem svetih i lijep je kao vrlo dragocjen kamen. Zato ostani postojana, kćeri moja, jer su za proširenje tvoje krune potrebni još poneki kameni. I Abraham i Job su postali bolje i više poznati ili slavniji po kušnjama, a Ivan svetiji po svjedočenju istine.“ Sto dvadeset i peto poglavlje Sto dvadeset i šesto poglavlje Sto dvadeest i sedmo poglavlje Sto dvadeset i osmo poglavlje Odgovor djevičanske Majke Sinovoj zaručnici koja je molila za jednog starog pustinjaka koji je bio u dvojbi je li Bogu prijatnije da uživa slatkoću duhovne utjehe tako da nikad ne izađe iz pustinje ili treba li povremeno izlaziti da bi izgrađivao duše bližnjih. Majka reče: „Razgovaraj s onim svećenikom, starim pustinjakom, mojim prijateljem koji kao protiv svoje volje i mira svoje duše prisiljen vjerom i pobožnošću svojih bližnjih ponekad napušta ćeliju samoće i mir razmatranja i pokrenut ljubavlju izlazi iz svoje samoće ljudima da bi im pružio duhovnu utjehu i po njegovu su se uzoru i spasonosnu savjetu mnoge duše obratile Bogu, a već obraćeni su napredovali k višim stupnjevima u vrlinama. Pri đavlovu lukavstvu i obmani te u poniznoj dvojbi u poniznosti pitao za savjet i molio da moliš za njega, naime: sviđa li se Bogu više da sam uživa u slatkoći razmatranja ili je Bogu prijatnija spomenuta ljubav prema svojem bližnjem. Reci mu od moje strane kako se Bogu svakako više sviđa kad kao što je spomenuto povremeno odlazi vršiti bližnjima takva djela ljubavi, kad s njima dijeli snage i milosti koje od Boga ima za sebe da bi se po tome sami obratili da revnije pristaju uz Boga i imaju udjela u njegovoj slavi nego da samo uživa u svojoj unutarnjoj utjesi i ćeliji svoje samoće. Reci mu i da će iz takve ljubavi imati veću nagradu na nebu ukoliko samo da bi vršio takvu ljubav, uvijek ide u skladu sa savjetom i voljom svog starijeg duhovnog oca. Reci mu dalje kako želim da svojoj duhovnoj djeci primi sve pustinjake i sve redovnice i osamljenike koji su bili sinovi mojeg prijatelja, onog već preminulog pustinjaka, da ih upravlja pod svojim savjetom. Treba ih sve voditi na duhovan i krepostan način svojim ljubaznim savjetom kao što ih je onaj u svojem dugom životu vodio i upravljao; jer tako se sviđa Bogu. I ako ga prihvate za duhovnog oca i budu li u poslušni u duhovnom i pustinjačkom životu, on će im biti otac, a ja majka. No ako ga netko ne bi primio za duhovna oca niti mu htio biti poslušan, onda će za takvog jednog neposlušnog biti bolje da odmah napusti njihovo društvo nego da dulje prebiva među njima. Ipak, moj spomenuti prijatelj treba ići k njima i vratiti se u svoju ćeliju onoliko često koliko mu se čini da je dobro, ali ipak uvijek po savjetu i volji svojeg starijeg oca.“ Sto dvadeset i deveto poglavlje Sto trideseto poglavlje Sedam godina nakon što je zaručnica imala viđenje o sedam životinja o kojima je riječ u sto dvadeset i petom poglavlju ove knjige, pojavio joj se Krist i objasnio joj kako slijedi nešto što je još nedostajalo objasniti u spomenutom viđenju. Sin reče: „Prije sam ti rekao za sedam životinja od kojih je jedna bila kao slon koji je još stoji prislonjen na stablo i ne vidi niti trulež stabla, niti se obazire na kratkoću vremena zbog čega će se srušiti sa stablom ako vjeruje da čvrsto stoji. Zidovi njegove crkve će uništiti vatra i voda tako da neće biti nikoga da ih ponovno sagradi jer su ih izgradili bezbožnici; zemlja će biti opustošena; stanovnici će si željeti smrt; ali ona će bježati od njih i zli će vladati nad pravednima. To se sve tako i ispunilo. Znaj i kako je druga životinja koja je bila ohola zbog kamena čistoće sad primila rogove jednog janjeta; zato je želim podučiti kako treba skakati preko zidova i kako stajati u časti. Jer sviđa mi se poniznost te životinje i zato mu reci da se njegova crkva već popela na najvišu stepenicu i dugo je stajala u oholosti. Zato sam treba raditi na tome da svećenstvo živi u većoj suzdržljivosti, smanji neumjerenost u piću, odloži pohlepu i primi strah, inače će nevoljama biti poniženo i njegov pad će biti tako težak i velik će se za njega čuti i u drugim zemljama.“ Nakon smrti spomenutog biskupa i izbora njegova nasljednika, Gospodin je razgovarao sa mnom i reče: „Znaj da je ovaj biskup, nasljednik prvog spomenutog biskupa, koji se sad uzdigao na biskupsku čast bio jedan od pet slugu koje kralj nije htio slušati ako ne bi primili jasnije oči. Taj se biskup sad uzdigao, ali treba dobro pripaziti i pri mojem će sudu vidjeti kako se uzdigao. Upozoravam ga o Joabovu padu. Taj je bio pun mržnje prema onima koji su bili bolji od njega; oslanjao se na svoje vlastite savjete; njegova odvažnost je bila velika i zato se uobrazio iznad svojih snaga i davao je prednost svojem odabraniku umjesto onome kojeg je odabrao Bog. Jedan savjet je koristan za tog biskupa, naime da svojoj pameti postavi mjeru i uvijek pazi ne na ono što može, već što priliči.“ Kad je bio u dvojbi je li korisno u svrhu oprosta svojih grijeha ići u Rim, pitao me i dok sam molila, odgovori mi Majka Božja i reče: „Ako ovaj biskup u svojem srcu misli da mu je potrebna pomoć svetih, onda može doći u Rim na oprost; jer doći će vrijeme kad će mu to biti korisno. Također treba paziti da se pticama grabljivicama koje su već prodrle odrežu kandže da ne bi mogle nastanjivati najviše vrhove stijena jer će onda više štetiti zajednici naroda, a ni on sam neće ostati slobodan od nevolja. Zato trebaš znati da životinja o kojoj sam ti govorila da se boji kad vidi svoju sjenu i svoju korist vidi u bijegu označava onoga koji ima revnost za spas duša, koji ne gubi hrabrost zbog govorenja suparnika, niti se govorima ulizica daju zavesti na oholost, koji je također spreman umirući izaći iz svijeta, ali i spreman ako mi se svidi živjeti radi moje časti. Zato ću mu požuriti ususret usred puta kao otac svojem sinu i izvući ću ga iz njegova zatvora kao milosrdni sudac da ne bi vidio buduće zlo. Onaj pak koji ustraje u svojoj gubi, umrijet će s onima koji su si napunili trbuh i bit će pokopan suđen s gubavima i neće sjediti kod onih koji sude svijet.“ Sto trideset i prvo poglavlje Još jedna objava o slavi anđela koja se dogodila na brdu Gargano. Gospođa Brigita je na brdu Gargano vidjela mnoštvo anđela koji su pjevali i govorili: „Blagoslovljen Ti, naš Bože, koji jesi, bit ćeš i bio si bez početka i bez kraja. Ti si nas duhove stvorio na Tvoju službu kao i na utjehu i zaštitu ljudi. Ali tako smo poslani koristiti ljudima da nam nikad ne nedostaje Tvoja slatkoća, Tvoja utjeha i Tvoj pogled. No budući da ljudima činimo kao nepoznati, na ovom si mjestu htio pokazati svoj blagoslov i naše dostojanstvo koje si nam dao i da bi čovjek mogao naučiti voljeti Te i željeti našu pomoć. Ali sad ovo mjesto koje je dugo bilo držano u častima mnogi preziru i stanovnici zemlje se više približavaju nečistim dusima nego nama jer s većom revnosti slijede njihova nadahnuća.“ Gospođa odgovori: „O, Gospodine, moj stvoritelju i otkupitelju, pomogni im da odustanu od grijeha i cijelim srcem zahtijevaju Tebe.“ Na to joj Gospodin reče: „Naviknuti su na prljavštinu i daju se odgojiti samo udarcima. Kad bi se bar prepoznali u stezi i došli k prisebnosti!“ Ovdje počinju objave svete Brigite svećenicima i papama. Sto trideset i drugo poglavlje Krist govori o pet dobrih darova koje je dao svećenicima i o pet suprotstavljenih stvari koje čine zli svećenici. „Ja sam kao čovjek koji želi napustiti svijet i najbolje što ima predati svojem najdražem prijatelju. Tako sam ja svećenicima koje sam izabrao ispred svih anđela i ljudi povjerio ono što mi je najdragocjenije kad sam otišao sa svijeta i dao sam im pet darova. Prvo, svoju vjeru; drugi, oba ključa za nebo i pakao; treće, iz neprijatelja učiniti anđela; četvrto, da mogu posvetiti moje tijelo što ne može nijedan od anđela; peto, da svojim rukama doticati moje najčišće tijelo. Ali sad sa mnom postupaju kao Židovi koji su poricali da sam uskrisio Lazara, već su proširili glasinu da namjeravam biti kralj, odbijam porez i želim opet podići hram u tri dana. Tako i svećenici ne govore o mojem čudesnu životu niti podučavaju moj nauk, već ljubav svijeta, propovijedaju svoju požudu i ono što sam učinio za njih smatraju ničim. Drugo, izgubili su ključ kojim bi bijednima trebali otvoriti nebo; ali onaj kojim se otvara pakao vole i drže ga spremljenog u finom platnu. Treće, čine nepravednika iz pravednika, đavla iz jednostavnoga, ranjena iz zdrava jer svatko tko im pristupi s tri rane, od njih će primiti četvrtu; dođe li k njima s četiri, napušta ih s petom; jer nakon što grešnik vidi loš primjer svećenika, ohrabruje se griješiti i počinje hvaliti grijehom koji je prije smatrao sramotnim. Zato će biti prokleti više nego ostali jer svojim životom jer se svojim životom upropaštavaju i svojim primjerom ozljeđuju druge. Četvrto, svojim me ustima prodaju umjesto da me svetkuju. Gori su od Jude. Juda je prepoznao svoj grijeh i pokajao se zbog njega iako na neplodan način; nazivaju se pravednima i prave se kao da jesu. Juda je grešnički novac donio natrag kupcima; ovi pak ga koriste za svoje potrebe. Juda me prodao prije nego što sam otkupio svijet; ovi nakon što sam otkupio svijet ne suosjećaju s mojom krvi koje više vrišti za osvetom nego Abelova. Juda me prodao samo zbog novca; ovi to čine za svaku nagradu jer k meni dolaze samo onda kad se nadaju nekoj koristi. Peto, postupaju sa mnom kao Židovi. Što su ovi učinili? Položili su me na drvo; ovi me pak polažu na prešu i pritišću me svom silom. Možeš pitati kako kad moje božanstvo ne može patiti i kad na Boga ne može pasti nikakva protivnost i nikakva bol. Svećenici mi zbog volje koju imaju da ustraju u grijehu ne čine ništa manje tako jako gorku muku i protivnost nego kao kad bi me kad bi bilo moguće položili pod prešu; jer imaju dva grijeha: razvratnost i pohlepu i polažu me između njih; jer izvrše li pokoru zbog toga, jedva da su izvršili svoju službu opet imaju volju griješiti čime me pritišću kao preša. Uzdržavaju proklete žene i dovode ih na sigurna mjesta da zadovolje svoju požudu i odbiju me. Dodvoravaju im se i uživaju u tome; mene pak, od kojeg jesu, ne žele vidjeti. Gledajte, moji prijatelji, kakvi su svećenici; gledajte, moji anđeli, kakvi su oni kojima vi služite. Da ležim pred vama kao što na oltaru ležim pred njima, nitko od vas me se ne bi usudio dotaknuti, već biste se prestrašili. No oni me izdaju kao kradljivci i izdajice, dotiču me kao bludnice, prljaviji su od pakline, ne srame se približiti se meni koji sam Bog i Gospodar slave. Zato će se dogoditi ono što se reklo Izraelu: sedmerostruko ću umnožit vašu kaznu i isto tako će zaista tih sedam muka doći nad svećenike.“ Sto trideset i treće poglavlje Sto trideset i četvrto poglavlje Krist kaže kako je svećenike poštovao ispred svih ljudi i anđela, a oni ga srde prije ostalih; njihovo prokletstvo je otkriveno na vječno prokletoj duši jednog svećenika. Marija govori: „Sjeti se muke moga Sina; on upravo dolazi ovamo.“ I gledaj, pojavio se sveti Ivan Krstitelj i reče blaženoj Djevici Mariji: „U tisuću godina Božji gnjev nad svijetom nije bio tako velik.“ I dok je Sin bio došao, reče zaručnici: „Kod mene je jedan sad od početka i koliko god vremena bilo kod vas, ona su meni samo kao jedan sat. Prije sam ti govorio o svećenicima kako sam ih odabrao između svih anđela i ljudi; ali sad su mi prije drugih prvenstveno nepodnošljivi.“ I gledaj, pojavili su se đavoli; imao su dušu u rukama i međusobno su govorili: „Gledajte, tamo je borac!“ Sudac odgovori: „Iako oni koji su tjelesni ne čuju ono što je duhovno i tjelesne oči ne mogu vidjeti ono što duhovno, ipak radi ove koja je ovdje prisutna i kojoj otvaram oči razuma trebate reći s kojim pravom imate ovu dušu.“ Ono odgovore: „Naše pravo i njezin prekršaj su deveterostruki. Trostruko je bila pod nama, trostruko jednaka nama i trostruko iznad nas. Prvo pravo je što je izvana bila dobra, a iznutra zla, drugo što je ponekad bila napunjena pohlepom i proždrljivošću, ali se ponekad suzdržavala radi koristi tijela ili njegove slabosti i treće što je ponekad bila stroga u riječima i djelima dok je njezina zloba u toj strogoći gledala samo svoj dobitak. Mi to ipak nemamo jer smo izvana isto kao i iznutra, uvijek strogi u zlobi, uvijek željni zla. Trostruko je bila jednaka nama koji smo trostruko pali: ohološću, pohlepom i zavisti; to troje je i ona imala. Trostruko je bila iznad nas i veća u zlobi nego mi, ona koja je bila svećenik i koja je ophodila Tvojim tijelom. Prvo jer nije čuvala svoja usta kojima je trebala govoriti Tvoje riječi, već je Tvoje riječi iznosila kao da pas laje. I kad je govorila Tvoje riječi, bojali smo se kao onaj koji čuje neki strašni zvuk; odjednom uplašeni, povukli smo se od nje. Ali ona je ostala stajati bez straha i srama. Drugo, nije čuvala svoje ruke kojima je doticala Tvoje najčišće tijelo, već ih je prljala svakim uživanjem. I kad je svojim rukama doticala Tvoje tijelo koje je nakon izgovaranja riječi bilo isto ono koje se nalazilo u Djevičinu tijelu i koje je razapeto, bojali smo se kao čovjek koji se od straha trese po cijelom tijelu, ali ne iz unutarnje ljubavi, već iz straha od Tvoje moći i veličine Tvoje snage. Ona pak je stajala nepreplašena i nije se brinula ni zbog čega. I kad Te prinijela na svoja usta koja su bila kao posuda uprljana svakom prljavštinom, bili smo kao ljudi čije snage su se izgubile i kao onaj kojem nedostaje svaka snaga i kao mrtvi od straha, iako smo besmrtni; no ona se nije bojala i nije se zaprepastila od doticanja Tebe. Budući da gospodaru slave ipak ne priliči ući u tako sramotnu posudu, Ti si odstupio svojim božanstvom i čovještvom i dok je ostala sama, mi koji smo dugo vremena bili otišli smo se vratili. U svemu tome nas nadilazi u zlobi i zato je posjedujemo s pravom. Budući da si Ti pravedan sudac, izraci nam osudu nad njom.“ Sudac odgovori: „Čujem što tražite; ti pak, bijedna dušo, govori tako da ova čuje kakvu si volju imala pri svojem kraju dok si još bila u užitku svojeg razuma i snage svoga tijela?“ Ona odgovori: „Moja je volja bila neprestano griješiti i nikad od toga ne odustati; no budući da sam znala da neću stalno živjeti, namjeravala sam griješiti sve do zadnjeg časa i u takvoj namjeri se dogodilo moje odvajanje od tijela.“ Na to sudac reče: „Tvoja savjest je tvoj sudac. Zato u svojoj savjesti reci kakvu osudu zaslužuješ?“ Duša odgovori: „Moja osuda je najgorkija i najgora muka koja će trajati bez kraja i bez sveg milosrđa.“ Potom su đavoli nakon što su čuli njezinu presudu pošli s njom. Na to Gospodin reče: „Gledaj, zaručnice, što moji svećenici rade; izabrao sam ih ispred svih anđela i ljudi i poštovao iznad svih; ali oni me srde ispred svih Židova i pogana i ispred svih đavola najviše.“ Sto trideset i peto poglavlje Krist pokazuje kakvu je ljubav iskazao svećenicima. No oni su nezahvalni i kao preljubnica preziru Krista tako da vole tri druga ljubavnika, svijet, tijelo i đavla. To objašnjava na duši nedavno umrlog svećenika koji je vječno proklet. „Ja sam kao zaručnik koji svoju zaručnicu svom ljubavlju uvodi u svoju kuću. Tako sam svećenike sjedinio sa svojim tijelom da bi oni mogli biti u meni i ja u njima. Ali oni mi čine kao preljubnica koja svojem suprugu govori: 'Tvoje riječi mi se ne sviđaju, tvoje bogatstvo je isprazno, tvoje radovanje kao otrov.' Njoj muž blago odgovori: 'Moja zaručnice, poslušaj me radije čekaj; jer tvoje riječi trebaju biti moje i moja volja tvoja, moje bogatstvo tvoje i tvoje radovanje moje.' Ali ona uopće ne želi slušati i ide onoj trojici. I nakon što je otišla toliko daleko da se zaručnika više nije vidjelo, reče prvi od njih, svijet: 'Ovdje se putovi razilaze; ja je ne mogu dalje slijediti, zato želim imati cijelo njezino bogatstvo.' Drugi, naime tijelo, reče: 'Ja sam smrtno i bit ću hrana crvi, a ona je besmrtna, zato ću je ovdje napustiti.' Treći, to jest đavao, reče: 'Ja sam besmrtan i bit ću bez kraja; budući da je htjela biti bez svojeg muža, slijedit će me bez prestanka.' Jednako tako mi čine oni prokleti svećenici. Trebaju biti moj ud i tako se isticati od ostalih kao prst na ruci; ali oni su zlobniji od đavla i zato će dublje potonuti u paklu ako se ne poprave. Zovem ih kao zaručnik. Sve što mogu činim za njih; ali što više ih zovem, to se više udaljuju. Moje riječi im se ne sviđaju, moje bogatstvo im je na teret, gnušaju se mojih slatkih riječi kao otrova. Slijedim ih i opominjem kao otac koji voli, nosim ih kao dobar gospodar, ugađam im poklonima kao dobar zaručnik; ali što više zovem, to se više odvraćaju. Tri prijatelja vole više od mene, to jest svijet i tijelo; zato će ih treći, đavao, primiti i nikad više pustiti. Zato jao njima što su ikad postali svećenici i moji udovi. Svećenik koji je upravo umro je trostruko griješio: prvo, ohološću jer se odijevao kao biskup; drugo, dao je da ga hvale zbog njegove mudrosti; treće, okretao je svoju volju svemu što je htio i sviđalo tijelu. Suzdržavao se radi zdravlja tijela i činio je što mu se sviđalo, samo ne moju volju. Ali što mu je to sad koristilo? Zato je za svoju oholost preda mnom kao napola raspadnut i smrdljiv čovjek, pun čireva i raspadnuta mesa. Umjesto hvale će od mene i ljudi biti zaboravljen. Umjesto njegove vlastite volje crvi obuzimaju njegovo tijelo, a dušu đavoli koji je neprestano muče. Gledaj što ti bijednici vole i što čine! Gdje su sad njegovi prijatelji, gdje njegova dobra, gdje čast i slava? Umjesto svega toga imat će samo vječnu sramotu. Kupuju nešto malo, naime svjetovnu čast i odustaju od velikog, naime vječne radosti. Jao takvima što su se ikad rodili jer padaju dublje u pakao nego bilo tko drugi.“ Pobožna službenica Kristova gospođa Brigita svetog pamćenja je slijedeće objave imala u božanski nadahnutom viđenju dok je bila u molitvi. One su poslane papama Klementu VI., Inocentu VI., Urbanu V. i Grguru XI. Bave se povratkom apostolske stolice i rimske kurije u Rimi reformacijom Crkve po zapovijedi svemogućeg Boga. Sto trideset i šesto poglavlje Dvije godine prije jubileja Krist daje zaručnici riječi sadržane ovdje i zapovijeda joj da ih pošalje papi Klementu da bi uspostavio mir između kraljeva Francuske i Engleske i došao u Italiju proglasiti godinu jubileja. Uvaženi gospodin Hemming, biskup Åboa i brat Petar, nadstojnik cistercitskog samostana u Alvastri u kraljevini Švedskoj. Sin Božji je razgovarao sa zaručnicom i reče: „Napiši ove riječi od mene papi Klementu: 'Uzvisio sam te i dao da se uzdigneš kroz sve položaje časti. Podigni se uspostavi mir između kraljeva Francuske i Engleske koji su kao opasne zvijeri, izdajice duša. Zatim dođi u Italiju i propovijedaj riječ ondje i proglasi godinu spasenja i božanske ljubavi! Pogledaj ulice popločene krvlju mojih svetih i dat ću ti vječnu nagradu. Sjeti se prošlih vremena kad si imao drskost izazvati me na gnjev, a ja sam šutio, kad si činio što si htio i nisi smio, a ja sam bio strpljiv kao da ne čujem. Zaista, moje vrijeme se približava i od tebe ću zahtijevati račun za nemar i drskost. Na isti način kao što sam dopustio da se uzdigneš kroz položaje, sići ćeš kroz druge položaje što ćeš istinski iskusiti u duši i tijelu ako ne poslušaš moju riječ. Tvoj razmetljiv jezik bit će tih. Ime kojim si zvan na zemlji bit će držano u zaboravu i sramoti preda mnom i mojim svetima. Zahtijevat ću od tebe i račun o tome kako si se nevrijedno dizao kroz položaje, iako je bilo s mojom dozvolom što ja, Bog, znam bolje nego što se tvoja nemarna savjest može sjetiti. Zahtijevat ću od tebe račun s obzirom na tvoju ravnodušnost i ponovnom uspostavljanju mira između kraljeva i tvom povlaštenom postupku s jednom od dvije strane. Nadalje, neće se zaboraviti kako su pohlepa i častohleplje cvjetali i povećali se u Crkvi u tvoje vrijeme ili kako si mogao reformirati i ispravno postaviti mnogo stvari, ali si ti, ljubitelj tijela, bio nevoljan. Ustani zato prije nego što dođe tvoj brzo dolazeći zadnji čas i ugasi nemarnost svoje prošlosti time da budeš revan u svojem gotovo zadnjem času! Ukoliko si u dvojbi kojem duhu pripadaju ove riječi, to kraljevstvo i ta osoba u kojima su učinjeni zapanjenost i čuda su dobro poznati. Pravednost i milosrđe o kojima govorim se približavaju svugdje na zemlji. Tvoja savjest ti govori da je moje uvjeravanje razumno i moj prijedlog dobrotvoran. Da te nije spasilo moje strpljenje, bio bi se trebao spustiti niže nego svi tvoji prethodnici. Ispitaj onda knjigu svoje savjesti i pogledaj govorim li istinu!'“ Kristove riječi zaručnici u kojima spominje papu Inocenta VI. koji je bio papa nakon Klementa. Sin je razgovarao sa zaručnicom i reče: „Ovaj papa Inocent je od bolje rude nego njegov prethodnik i materijal koji je podoban primiti najbolje boje. Ali zloba ljudi traži da uskoro bude uzet iz njihove sredine; njegova dobra volja bit će mu uračunata u krunu i povećanje slave. No kad bi poslušao moje riječi knjige koje su ti dane, postao bi još bolji i oni koji bi mu prenijeli riječi bi bili okrunjeni na još uzvišeniji način.“ Sto trideset i sedmo poglavlje Objava koja dotiče papu Urbana i koju je zaručnici imala u Rimu po pitanju potvrde pravila Reda Otkupitelja, kao i o oprostima svetog Petra u lancima koje je Krist dao samostanu svete Djevice u Vadsteni. Sin Božji reče zaručnici: „Onaj tko ima klupko od konca u kojem se nalazi najbolje zlato, ne prestaje odmatati sve dok ne pronađe zlato. Nakon što ga je pronašao, njegov vlasnik se njime služi na svoju čast i potrebu. Tako je ovaj papa Urban zlato koje je oblikovano za dobro; ali okružen je brigama svijeta. Zato idi i reci mu od moje strane: 'Tvoje vrijeme je kratko, ustani i pazi kako se mogu spasiti duše koje su ti povjerene. Predao sam ti pravilo reda koji se treba osnovati i započeti u mjestu Vadstena u Švedskoj. Proizašlo je iz mojih usta. Sad ne želim samo da ga samo potvrdiš svojim autoritetom, već i svojim blagoslovom jer ti si moj namjernik na zemlji. Diktirao sam ga i opremio duhovnim mirazom tako odobrio oproste koje ima crkva svetog Petra u lancima. Zato ti pred ljudima potvrdi ono što je potvrđeno pred mojom nebeskom vojskom. Želiš li znak da ja ovo govorim, to sam ti već dao vidjeti jer kad si prvi put čuo moje riječi, tvoja se duša kod dolaska mojeg glasnika na duhovan način utješila. Želiš li ipak daljnji znak, bit će ti dan, ali ne kao Joni, proroku.' Tebi pak će, moja zaručnice, kojoj sam iskazao spomenutu milost, ukoliko¸bez prethodnog davanja novca nećeš moći postići bulu i papinu milost, niti pečat potvrde za spomenuti oprost, moja milost biti dovoljna. Jer čuvat ću i potvrditi svoju riječ i svi moji sveti bit će ti svjedoci, moja Majka bit će pečat, moj Otac jamac, a moj Duh tješitelj onih koji dođu u tvoj samostan.“ Sto trideset i osmo poglavlje Ovo je objava koju je Kristova zaručnica imala o istom papi Urbanu u Rimu prije nego što se on godine Gospodnje 1370. vratio u Avignon. Sama mu ju je predala u Montefiasconeu. Dok je spomenuta osoba noću bdjela u molitvi, učinilo joj se kao da govori glas koji izlazi iz sjajnog kruga kao iz sunca. Taj joj je glas rekao slijedeće riječi: „Ja sam Majka Boga jer mu se tako svidjelo; ja sam i Majka sviju koji su gore u sreći. Iako djeca po svojoj volji imaju ono što im treba, ipak im se na umnažanje njihove radosti poveća veselje ako vide lice svoje majke radosno. Tako se Bogu sviđa sve na nebeskom dvoru ispuniti radošću i klicanjem nad čistoćom mojeg djevičanstva, nad ljepotom mojih vrlina, iako po moći istog božanstva na neshvatljiv način imaju sve dobro. Ja sam i majka sviju koji se nalaze u čistilištu jer sve kazne koje im pripadaju i koje moraju podnositi da bi se očistili od svojih grijeha se zbog moje molitve do neke mjere smanjuju; jer Bogu se tako sviđa da se neke od kazna koje im po strogosti božanske pravednosti pripadaju smanje. Ja sam Majka sve pravednosti koja je u svijetu. Tu pravednost je moj Sin najsavršenije volio. Kao što je majčina ruka uvijek spremna suprotstaviti se opasnostima srca svoga sina ako ga netko želi ozlijediti, tako sam i ja neprestano spremna pravednike koji su u svijetu braniti i osloboditi od svake duhovne opasnosti. Ja kao da sam i Majka svih grešnika koji se žele popraviti i koji imaju volju da ne griješe dalje protiv Boga; također sam voljna i grešnika uzeti pod zaštitu kao ljubazna majka kad vidi kako neprijatelji prodiru na njezina sina najoštrijim mačevima. Ne bi li se ona u takvom slučaju hrabro suprotstavila opasnostima da istrgne svog sina iz ruku neprijatelja i da ga s radošću čuva u svojem krilu? Tako činim i ja i činit ću svim grešnicima koji mojeg Sina s iskrenim kajanjem i božanskom ljubavlju mole za milosrđe. Čuj ti i dobro pazi na ono što ću reći o svoja dva sina koja ću ti imenovati. Prvi kojeg imenujem je moj Sin Isus Krist koji je rođen od mojeg djevičanskog tijela da bi objavio svoju ljubav i otkupio duše. Zato se nije plašio tjelesnih bolova niti prolijevanja svoje krvi. Također nije prezirao slušati uvrede i pretrpjeti muku svoje smrti. On je sam Bog i svemoguć u vječnom radosti. Drugi kojeg smatram svojim sinom je onaj koji svoje mjesto ima na papinskom stolici, naime na Božjoj stolici u svijetu ukoliko je poslušan njegovim zapovijedima i voli ga savršenom ljubavlju. Zbog moje molitve je primio prosvjetljenje Duha Svetoga da kroz Italiju do Rima ne treba ići s nikojim drugim razlogom nego da vrši milosrđe, jača katoličku vjeru, učvrsti mir i tako obnovi svetu Crkvu. Kao što majka vodi svoje dijete kamo želi kad mu pokazuje svoja prsa, tako sam i ja papu Urbana po svojoj molitvi i djelu Duha Svetoga vodila od Avignona do Rima bez da mu se dogodila bilo kakva tjelesna opasnost. Što mi je on učinio? Sad mi okreće leđa i odvraća od mene svoje lice i kani odstupiti od mene na što ga navodi zao duh svojom obmanom; jer božanski posao mu je zamoran i sviđa mu se tjelesna korist. Vuče ga i đavao svjetovnom radovanjem jer prema svjetovnoj navici mu je njegova domovina previše draga. Vuče ga i savjet svjetovnih prijatelja koji u oku više imaju svoju ljubav i svoju volju nego Božju čast i volju ili poticanje i spas svojih duša. Uspije li mu vratiti se u zemlju u kojoj je izabran za papu, u kratkom će vremenu primiti udarac ili pljusku tako da će mu se zubi razbiti i zveckati, lice će mu postati tmurno i zamračit će se i po cijelom tijelu će mu udovi drhtati, žar Duha Svetoga će se u njemu postupno ohladiti i povući se, molitve svih Božjih prijatelja koji su pod uzdasima i suzama za njega naumili moliti će otvrdnuti i srca će postati hladna u njegovoj ljubavi i za dvije stvari će Bogu morati položiti račun. Prvo za ono što je učinio na papinskoj stolici; drugo, za ono što je propustio od stvari koje je mogao učiniti na Božju čast svojim velikim veličanstvom.“ Sto trideset i deveto poglavlje Slijedeća objava je prva koja je po gospodinu Latinu Orsiniju poslana gospodinu papi Grguru XI. Jedna osoba koja je bdjela i nije spavala, već je ustrajala u molitvi bila je zanesena u duhu. I izgledalo je da sve snage njezina tijela slabe; no njezino srce je bilo zapaljeno i klicalo je u žaru ljubavi; njezina duša je bila utješena, a njezin duh ojačan određenom božanskom snagom, cijela njezina svijest je bila ispunjena duhovnim razumom. Toj se osobi onda pokazala slijedeće viđenje. Čula je slatki glas koji joj se ovako obratio: „Ja sam ona koja je rodila Božjeg Sina, pravog Boga Isusa Krista. Nakon što sam ti drugi put bila priopćila neke riječi koje je trebalo javiti papi Urbanu, sad ti opet govorim takve koje treba poslati papi Grguru. Da bi se bolje razumjele, reći ću ti ih pod usporedbom. Kao što se ljubazna majka, koja vidi svoje ljubljeno dijete kako golo i promrzlo leži na podu i nema snage da se podigne, već iz želje za majčinim milovanjem i mlijekom plače žalosnim tonom i vikom, nježnom ljubavlju smiluje, žurno pritrči sinu i podiže ga ljubaznom majčinskom rukom da ne onemoća od hladnoće i uskoro nježno miluje, blago grije majčinskom toplinom njezinih prsa i slatko ga napaja mlijekom svojih prsa, tako ću ja, Majka Milosrđa, postupiti s papom Grgurom dođe li u Rim i Italiju s namjerom da ostane i bude li imao volju kao ljubazan pastir oplakivati uzdasima i suzama milosrđa vječno prokletstvo povjerenih mu ovaca i njihove ozlijede i bolne gubitke, poduzme li dalje s poniznošću i dužnom pastirskom ljubavlju pomaknuti Crkvu u bolje stanje. Onda ću ja, Majka koja ljubi, podignuti njega sa zemlje kao golog, promrzla dječaka, to njega i njegovo srce potpuno rastaviti od svih zemaljskih radosti i sve svjetovne ljubavi koje su protiv Boga i blago ga ugrijati majčinskom toplinom moje ljubavi koja je u mojim prsima. Također ću ga nasitit svojim mlijekom, to jest svojom molitvom koja je slična mlijeku. Ah, kako su bezbrojni oni su mlijekom moje molitve uzdržavani i primaju! Nasitit ću ga tim mlijekom, to jest svojom molitvom koju ću za njega upraviti Gospodinu, mojem Bogu koji je moj Sin, da mu se svidi smilovati se i sjediniti svoga Svetog Duha s najunutarnjijom krvi srca tog pape Grgura. Onda će se tako nasititi istinskim savršenim zasićenjem da neće htjeti dalje živjeti za ništa drugo u ovom svijetu doli da može proširiti Božju čast. Gledaj, već sam mu pokazala majčinsku ljubav koju ću mu iskazati ako se pokori jer Božja je volja da u poniznosti svoju stolicu preseli u Rim. Da se kasnije ne bi mogao ispričati neznanjem, u majčinskoj ljubavi mu upozoravajuće najavljujem što će slijediti, naime da će ako ne bude slijedio ono što je prije rečeno, nesumnjivo osjetiti šibu pravednosti, to jest gnjev mojeg Sina jer će mu se onda skratiti život i bit će pozvan pred Božji sud. Onda mu neće pomoći nikakva moć svjetovnih gospodara. Ni mudrost ni znanje liječnika neće mu koristiti, niti će mu zrak zemlje njegova rođenja koristiti da mu imalo produlji život. Ako i dođe u Rim, ali ne učini spomenuto, život će mu se skratiti i liječnici mu neće pomoći, niti će se vratiti u Avignon da mu zrak očevinske zemlje može biti koristan, već će naprotiv umrijeti.“ Sto četrdeseto poglavlje Primijeti slijedeće četiri upute za papu: da se s poniznošću vrati u Rim, da ima naum ostati, da oplakuje pripast duša, da pokuša obnoviti Crkvu i tako dalje. Ukoliko ne učini sve te stvari, njegov će se život skratiti kao što je rečeno nakon riječi: „Sad opet.“ Zato nije dovoljno da papa jednostavno dođe u Rim, već mora provesti sve četiri upute gore. Slijedi drugo viđenje koje je istom Papi Grguru XI prenio gospodin grof de Nola. Hvala i služba Bogu za svu njegovu ljubav i čast presvetoj Mariji, njegovoj dragoj djevičanskoj Majci radi smilovanja koje ima prema svima koje je njezin Sin otkupio svojom dragocjenom krvlju. Sveti oče, dogodilo se da jednoj određenoj osobi koja vam je dobro poznata za vrijeme bdijenja kad se nalazila u molitvi da je osjećala kako joj je cijelo srce zapaljeno žarom božanske ljubavi i posjetom Duha Svetoga. Osoba je potom čula glas koji reče: „Slušaj ti koja vidiš što je duhovno, reci ono što će ti se sad zapovjediti i napiši papi Grguru riječi koje ćeš sad čuti: ja koji razgovaram s tobom sam ona za koju je Bog imao milosti izabrati je za svoju Majku i iz čijeg tijela je primio svoje ljudsko tijelo. On, moj Sin, na papi Grguru je učinio veliko djelo milosrđa kad mu je po meni dao navijestiti svoju presvetu volju koju sam mu u prijašnjim njemu poslanim objavama dala detaljnije za prepoznati. To se više dogodilo zbog molitava i suza Božjih prijatelja nego zbog nekih njegovih prethodnih zasluga. Zato smo ja i đavao, njegov neprijatelj, vodili tešku bitku za njega. Jer u drugom pismu sam istog papu Grgura opomenula da u poniznosti i božanskoj ljubavi žurno krene prema Rimu i tamo podigne svoju stolicu i ostane sve do smrti. Đavao pak i drugi savjetnici koje je imao savjetovali su mu da zategne i prebiva u kraju gdje se sad nalazi i to zbog zemaljske ljubavi i svjetovne utjehe rođaka i tjelesnih prijateljima. Zato đavao sad ima veće pravo i više prilika kušati ga jer je više bio poslušan savjetu đavla i tjelesnih prijatelja nego savjetu Boga i mojoj volji. No budući da papa sam želi primiti još detaljniju izvjesnost o Božjoj volji, pravilno je da mu se takva želja ispuni. Tako na najnedvojbeniji način treba znati da je ovo što nakon toga slijedi Božja volja, naime da bez ikakvog kašnjenja dođe u Italiju ili Rim, da to učini nepogrešivo i da ubrza svoj put kako bi brzo došao tako da u mjesecu ožujku ili najkasnije početkom dolazećeg travnja mora osobno doći u spomenuti grad ili neku provinciju Italije ako me želi imati za Majku. No bude li u spomenutome neposlušan, neka se na istinski način smatra uvjerenim da u ovom svijetu nikad više nikad neće biti posjećen takvom utjehom, to jest drugim posjetom ili drugom objavom, a nakon smrti će morati stajati pred govor božanske pravednosti zašto se nije htio pokoriti Božjoj zapovijedi. No pokori li se na spomenuti način, onda ću mu i ispuniti što sam mu u onoj prvoj od mene za njega određenoj objavi obećala. Činim ovom papi poznato i kako nikad u Francuskoj neće biti tako čvrst i miran mir da bi se njezini stanovnici mogli puni sigurnosti i sloge donekle radovati prije nego što narod u tom kraljevstvu kroz velika djela ljubavi i poniznosti ne ublaži Boga, mojeg Sina, nakon što su ga svojim mnogim djelima i svojim uvredama dosad izazvao na ogorčenje i gnjev. Zato neka zna kako se putovanje onih naoružanih muškaraca koji pripadaju pokvarenim društvima do svetog groba mojeg Sina tom mojem Sinu, istinskom Bogu, jednako malo sviđa kao i zlato koje je Izraelov narod bacao u vatru i iz kojeg je đavao načinio lijevano tele; jer u njima se nalazi oholost i pohlepa i ako i imaju neku volju ići do spomenuta groba, to je više iz oholosti i pohlepe za novcem nego radi Božje ljubavi i časti.“ Nakon ovih riječi je viđenje nestalo. Nakon toga je međutim Majka Božja dodala ove riječi: „Također reci biskupu, mojem pustinjaku, da zatvori i zapečati ovo pismo i nakon toga na drugi papir napravi prijepis toga koji neka otvoreno pokaže onom opatu, papinom nunciju i grofu de Noli tako da to mogu čitati i znati što je u tome sadržano. Nakon pročitaju prijepis, neka im prepusti spomenuto zatvoreno i zapečaćeno pismo koje bez kašnjenja trebaju poslati papi Grguru. Nakon što su ga pročitali, neka im ne ostavi otvoreni prijepis, već neka ga uništi i pred njihovim očima rastrga u komade. Jer kao što će pismo tako kako je sad cijelo biti rastrgano u mnoge komade, tako će, ukoliko papa u unaprijed određeno vrijeme i godinu ne dođe u Italiju, crkve zemlje koje ga sad poslušno i pokorno slijede biti pod rukama neprijatelja rascjepkane na vrlo mnogo dijelova. Znaj i vrlo sigurno da papa na povećanje svojih nevolja neće samo čuti, već i vlastitim očima vidjeti da je ono što kažem istinito i cijelom rukom svoje moći neće moći spomenute crkvene zemlje dovesti u prijašnje stanje njihove poslušnosti i mira. Riječi pak koji ti sad govorim još se onom opatu ne smiju reći ni napisati jer se sjeme skriva u zemlji sve dok ne naraste do plodonosnog klasa.“ Sto četrdeset i prvo poglavlje Slijedeća objava je spomenutoj Kristovoj zaručnici dana u Napulju za istog papu na blagdan svetog Polikarpa kad se vraćala iz Jeruzalema. Ovu objavu nije poslala papi jer joj nije bilo naređeno od Boga. Krist se ukazao svojoj zaručnici gospođi Brigiti kad je molila za papu Grgura XI. i reče joj: „Pazi na riječi koje govorim, moja kćeri! Znaj da taj papa Grgur sliči paralitičaru koji svoje ruke ne može pokrenuti na posao, a svoje noge na hodanje; kao što bolest paralize nastaje iz krvi i pokvarenih sokova i hladnoće, tako ovog papu neumjerena ljubav njegove krvi i hladnoća i mlakost njegova uma drže spriječenog za mene. No trebaš znati kako će uz pomoć molitve moje Majke već i ruke i noge dovesti u pokret tako što će u ispunjenju moje volje i moje časti doći u Rim. Prema tome najsigurnije znaj da će doći u Rim i doduše započeti put prema nečem budućem dobrom, ali ga neće završiti.“ Na to odgovori gospođa Brigita: „O, Gospodine, moj Bože, napuljska kraljica i mnogi drugi mi govore da je nemoguće da dođe u Rim jer mu francuski kralj, kardinali i mnogi drugi ljudi stavljaju prepreke na put. Također sam čula kako se protiv njega dižu mnogi koji kažu da imaju Duh Božji i božanske objave i viđenja i dolaze i pod tom izlikom ga odgovaraju od dolaska. Zato se veoma bojim da će njegov dolazak biti spriječen.“ Bog odgovori: „Čula si kako se čita kako je Jeremija onih dana bio u Izraelu i imao Božjeg Duha za prorokovanje, ali kako je onda bilo mnogih koji su imali duha snova i laži. Nepravedni kralj je vjerovao njima i zato je on zajedno sa svojim narodom došao u zarobljeništvo. Da je kralj vjerovao samo Jeremiji, moj gnjev bi se od njega odvratio. Tako je i sad jer ako se sad uzdižu mudri ili sanjari ili prijatelji ne duha, već tijela pape Grgura i savjetuju ga ili nagovaraju protiv, ja, Gospodin, ipak nisam ništa manje moćniji i vodit ću papu u Rim protiv njihove utjehe. No hoćeš li ga ti vidjeti kako dolazi ili ne, nije ti dopušteno znati.“ Sto četrdeset i drugo poglavlje Slijedeća objava je spomenutoj Kristovoj zaručnici pokazana u mjesecu veljači za istog papu Grgura. Prenio mu ju je izvjesni pustinjak koji se odrekao biskupije. „Sveti oče! Osoba koja je Vašoj svetosti dobro poznata bdjela je u molitvi; pala je u duhovni zanos i u duhu je vidjela sliku prijestolja. Na njemu je sjedila slika čovjeka neprocjenjive ljepote, jedan gospodin nepojmljive moći. I u dohvatu prijestolja je stajala veliko mnoštvo svetih i nebrojena vojska anđela. Pred onim koji je sjedio na prijestolju je na nekoj udaljenosti stajao biskup odjeven biskupskom odjećom i ukrasom. Gospodin pak koji je sjedio na prijestolju mi se obratio i reče: 'Meni je od mog Oca dana sva vlast na nebu i na zemlji i iako izgleda kao da s tobom razgovaram jednim ustima, ne govorim sam; jer Otac i Duh Sveti razgovaraju s tobom i iako tri osobe, ipak smo jedno u biti božanstva.' Potom je razgovarao s onim biskupom i reče: 'Čuj, papo Grgure XI., jedanaest riječi koje ti govorim i dobro pazi što ti kažem. Zašto me tako mrziš? Zašto su tvoja umišljenost i odvažnost protiv mene tako veliki? Tvoj svjetovni dvor pljačka moj nebeski. Ti mi na oholi način otimaš moje ovce i nepravedno iznuđuješ dobra Crkve koja pripadaju meni i dobra podređenih moje Crkve, uzimaš ih i poklanjaš svojim vremenitim prijateljima. Ti uzimaš i prisvajaš bez prava dobra mojih siromaha i nedolično ih razdjeljuješ svojim bogatašima zbog čega su tvoja odvažnost i drskost tako preveliki jer drsko ulaziš u moj dvor i ne štediš ono što je moje. Što sam ti učinio, Grgure? Strpljivo sam dopustio da se uzdigneš do najviše papinske časti, kroz pisma koja sam ti zbog božanskim objava poslao u Rim sam ti prorekao svoju volju tako da sam te u njima opomenuo na spas tvoje duše i upozorio sam te na tvoj veliki gubitak. Kako mi uzvraćaš za tako mnoga dobročinstva i zašto dopuštaš da na tvom dvoru vladaju najviša oholost, nezasitna pohlepa, rasipnost koja mi je strašna i najgnusnija, beskrajna, najogavnija simonija? Osim toga mi otimaš i uzimaš bezbrojne duše kao plijen; jer skoro svi koji dođu na tvoj dvor dovodiš u paklenu vatru jer ne paziš marljivo na ono što se tiče tvog dvora dok si predstojnik i pastir mojih ovaca. I zato je tvoja krivnja ako savjesno ne promisliš što treba učiniti i popraviti za njihovo duhovno dobro. I premda sam te zbog spomenutog mogao osuditi po mjeri moje pravednosti, još te jednom u svojem milosrđu opominjem na spas tvoje duše, naime da što je brže moguće dođeš u Rim na svoju stolicu. Vrijeme prepuštam tvojoj volji; znaj ipak da što više oklijevaš, to će se više smanjiti napredak tvoje duše u svim vrlinama. Ali što prije dođeš u Rim, to će brže tvoje vrline i darovi Duha Svetoga rasti i zapalit će te božanska vatra moje ljubavi. Dođi zato i ne oklijevaj. Nemoj doći s uobičajenom ohološću i svjetovnom raskoši, već s poniznošću i vrućom ljubavi. I kad tako dođeš, zatri, iščupaj i uništi sve poroke na svojem dvoru. Udalji od sebe savjete svojih svjetovnih i tjelesnih prijatelja i slijedi duhovne savjete mojih prijatelja. Zato pristupi i ne boj se; podigni se muževno i s povjerenjem se obuci snagom; počni obnavljati moju Crkvu koju sam otkupio svojom vlastitom krvlju; mora biti obnovljena i na duhovan način dovedena svojem prijašnjem, svetom stanju; jer sad se javna kuća više drži u časti nego sveta majka Crkva. Ne budeš li slijedio moju spomenutu volju, sigurno znaj da ćeš pred cijelim nebeskim dvorom biti osuđen kao prelat kojeg se degradira, javno mu se uz sramotu i prokletstvo uzima njegova posvećena, duhovna časna odjeća i obasipa sramotom i poniženjem, proklinje i vremenito kažnjava. Tako ću učiniti tebi. Odbacit ću te od nebeskog dvora i sve što ti sad daje tvoj mir i tvoju čast će ti služiti na prokletstvo i vječnu sramotu. I svaki đavao u paklu će primiti zalogaj tvoje duše koliko god besmrtna i neuništiva bila i umjesto blagoslovom, bit ćeš ispunjen vječnim prokletstvom. Sve dok budem progledavao kroz tvoj neposluh, imat ćeš sreću. Pa ipak, moj sine Grgure, još te jednom opominjem da mi se ponizno vratiš, pokori se savjetu mene, tvog oca i stvoritelja. Budeš li me slijedio na spomenuti način, primit ću te kao ljubazan otac. Zato muževno pristupi putu pravednosti i imat ćeš sreću. Ne preziri onoga koji te voli; jer budeš li poslušan, izvršit ću nad tobom milosrđe i blagosloviti te i odjenuti i ukrasiti dragocjenom biskupskom odorom istinskog pape, odjenut ću te samim sobom tako da ćeš biti u meni i ja u tebi i vječno ćeš biti hvaljen. '“ Nakon što se ovo bilo vidjelo i čulo, ovo viđenje je nestalo. Sto četrdeset i treće poglavlje Četvrta objava koju je blažena Brigita poslala gospodinu papi u mjesecu srpnju godine Gospodnje 1373. Pisala je i pustinjaku koji je bio biskup i koji se onda u toj prilici nalazio kod gospodina pape u Avignonu. „Naš Gospodin Isus Krist, gospodine biskupe, rekao mi je da vam napišem slijedeće riječi da bi ih mogli predočiti papi. Papa želi znak; recite mu: i farizeji su željeli znak. Njima sam odgovorio: kao što je Jona bio tri dana i tri noći u trbuhu kita, tako sam ja, Sin Djevice, bio tri dana i tri noći mrtav u zemlji. Nakon obećana znaka sam ja, Sin Božji, trpio, umro, bio pokopan i opet sam uskrsnuo i uzašao u svoju slavu. Tako će ovaj papa Grgur primiti znak mojeg opomene da spašava duše. Zato treba činiti djela koja se tiču moje časti i nastojati oko toga kako sačuvati duše i da moja Crkva opet dođe u prijašnje stanje i bolji red i onda će iskusiti znak i plod vječne utjehe. Drugi znak će primiti tako da ak one bude poslušan mojim riječima i ne dođe u Italiju, neće izgubiti samo vremenito, nego i duhovno i osjetiti nevolju srca sve dok živi. I ako će se ponekad činiti da njegovo srce ima olakšanje, ostat će mu grižnja savjesti i unutarnja nevolja. Treći znak je da ja, Bog, razgovaram čudesnim riječima sa ženom. I zbog čega i radi koje koristi ako ne za plod i spas i korist duša i da bi se zli popravili, a zli postali još bolji? Što se tiče prepirke između pape i Barnabe, odgovaram preko mjere mrska jer su time bezbrojne duše dospjele u opasnost. Zato mi se sviđa da bude sloga jer ako bi papa i bio protjeran od svoje stolice, bilo bi bolje kad bi se ponizio i stvorio slogu na koji god način nego da tako mnoge duše stupaju u vječno prokletstvo. O popravljanju kraljevstva Francuske neće iskusiti sve dok osobno ne dođe u Italiju. Zato, kad bi stajala vješalo i na njemu visjelo uže koje bi s jedne strane vukli bezbrojni ljudi, a s druge strane samo jedan, tako je i s prokletstvom duša i mnogi na tome rade. Prema tome neka papa gleda samo u mene i ako ga i svi odvraćaju da dođe u Rim i opiru se koliko mogu, ipak se treba pouzdati u mene i pomoći ću mu i nitko ga neće nadvladati. Kao što se mlade ptice u gnijezdu uzdižu pri dolasku majke i vrište i raduju se, tako ću mu i ja radosno požuriti u susret, uzdići ga i častiti u tijelu i duši.“ Gospodin još reče: „Budući da papa zdvaja treba li doći u Rim kako bi ponovno uspostavio mir i moju Crkvu, želim da dođe slijedeće jeseni. Treba također znati da mi ne može iskazati ništa prijatnije od toga da dođe u Italiju.“ Sto četrdeset i četvrto poglavlje Viđenje koje je Kristova zaručnica imala o sudu duše jednog umrlog pape. Zaručnica je vidjela kao osobu biskupa odjevenu škapularom. Stajala je u jednoj kući pošpricana uličnom blatom. Krov te kuće je stajao kao pritisnut na mozak spomenute osobe. Crni Etiopljani s kukama i drugim alatima za nanošenje štete su okruživali kuću, ali nisu mogli dotaknuti osobu iako su je ispunili vrlo velikim strahom. Onda sam čula glas koji mi je govorio: „Ovo je duša pape kojeg poznaješ. Ova kuća je njegova duhovna naplata. Jer bavio se različitim svjetovnim stvarima i zato njegova nagrada još nije svjetleće jasna sve dok se ne očisti u čistilištu i duhovnim molitvama i Božjom ljubavlju opet ne postane čist. Krov koji kao da mu pritišće mozak je znak jedne tajne; jer krov predstavlja ljubav prema Bogu i što je ona veća, to je duša šira i viša za duhovne stvari i revnost prema Bogu. Budući da je ljubav ove duše gorjela u nekim svjetovnim stvarima i više slijedila vlastitu volju, tako je krov, koji je za Božje izabrane svjetleći i visok, uzak sve dok se ne proširi krvlju Sina Božjeg i molitvom nebeskog dvora. To što izgleda da duša nosi škapular je znak da se trudila živjeti prema pravilima redovničkog reda i svog poziva; ipak, nije se trudila dovoljno da bi mogla biti primjer napredujućima i uzor savršenima. Sad ti je dozvoljeno znati o tri djela koje je ovaj ostvario u svom životu i zbog kojih sad trpi kaznu. Prvo je da je bio neposlušan prema Bogu i svojoj savjesti pri čemu je osjećaju kajanje i grižnju savjesti; drugo je da je u nekim slučajevima dijelio radi ljudske ljubavi i u tome je slijedio svoju volju; treće je da je zanemario neke stvari da ne bi uvrijedio one koje je volio, iako ih je mogao popraviti. Ipak, trebaš znati kako ova duša ne pripada onima koji idu u pakao, a niti onima koji dolaze u teže kazne čistilišta, već onima koji se svaki dan žurno približavaju milosti i licu veličanstva svemoćnoga Boga.“ PETA KNJIGA Kupite Objavama Svete Brigite Švedske na Lulu (488 Stranice) Predgovor Ovdje počinje peta knjiga Kristovih božanskih objava blaženoj Brigiti iz kraljevstva Švedske. Ona je s pravom naslovljena Knjiga pitanja jer uzima tijek po pitanjima na koja Krist daje čudesna rješenja. Gospođi je objavljeno na čudesan način kao što su ona sama i njezini ispovjednici često usmeno potvrdili. Jer dogodilo se jednom da se, kad je jednog dana dok je na konju jahala prema svom dvorcu Vadsteni u društvu više prijatelja, koji su s njom jahali, dok je dakle jahala, počela moliti Bogu i u svojoj poniznosti se podizati Bogu. Odjednom je bila uzeta u duhu i jahala je prema tamo kao otuđena od sebe, podignuta iz osjetila tijela u ekstazu duhovnog razmatranja. U duhu je tad ugledala ljestve koje su čvrsto stajale na zemlji i čija je visina doticala nebo. I na njihovom najvišem vrhu vidjela je u nebu Gospodina Isusa Krista kako sjedi na čudesnom prijestolju kao suca u tijeku suđenja. Do njegovih nogu vidjela je Djevicu Mariju. A oko prijestolja se nalazila bezbrojna vojska anđela. Na sredini ljestava gospođa Brigita je ugledala jednog određenog njoj poznatog redovnika koji je onda još živio u tijelu i bio je velikog teološkog obrazovanja, no ipak put lukavstva i đavolske zlobe. Njegovi pokreti su izražavali vrlo veliki nemir i nestrpljivost; prije je izgledao da je đavao nego redovnik. Jer spomenuta gospođa je tad ugledala misli i sve unutarnje osjećaje srca i kako ih je on neurednim i vrlo nemirnim pokretima na pitajući način, kao što dolje slijedi, otkrio sucu Kristu koji je sjedio na prijestolju. Gospođa Brigita je vidjela i čula kako sudac na ta pitanja vrlo blagim i pristojnim pokretima na svako posebno odgovorio ukratko vrlo mudro i kako je povremeno naša Gospođa, Djevica Marija, razgovarala s istom gospođom Brigitom poneke riječi kao što će to ova knjiga dalje dolje iskreno objasniti. No kad je spomenuta gospođa u istom trenutku cijelu tu knjigu u glavi imala u jednoj i istoj objavi i u međuvremenu bila došla do spomenutog dvorca, njezini prijatelji su uzeli uzde njezina konja i počeli su je tresti kako bi je probudili iz one ekstaze. Nakon što je opet bila došla k sebi, vrlo se žalila da joj je sad oduzeta tako velika božanska slatkoća. Ova knjiga pitanja je onda bila tako djelotvorno ostala utisnuta u njezinu srcu i na taj način u njezinom pamćenju kao da je potpuno urezana u mramornu ploču. Ona pak je to odmah na zapisala na svojem jeziku što je njezin ispovjednik riječima prenio na latinski jezik kao što je njegovao prevoditi i druge knjige. Ova knjiga pitanja je podijeljena na ispitivanja podijeljena na pitanja. Jer sadržava šesnaest ispitivanja i u svakom je sudac Krist upitan za izvjesne, sumnjive stvari. Na to odgovara oštro i čudesno tako da svako ispitivanje sadrži određen broj pitanja. Nakon toga slijede rješenja i odgovori na to kao što je u nastavku knjige opsežnije sadržano. Gledala sam prijestolje u nebu na kojem je Gospodin Isus Krist sjedio kao sudac. Do njegovih nogu je sjedila Djevica Marija, a oko prijestolja se nalazila vojske anđela i bezbrojno mnoštvo svetih. S tim je sucem razgovarao jedan redovnik, veliki učenjak u teologiji, koji je stajao na visokoj stepenici ljestava koje su se oslanjale na zemlju i čiji je gornji kraj doticao nebo, pod vrlo nemirnim i nestrpljivim pokretima kao punima zlobe i lukavstva na pitajući način ovako: Prvo ispitivanje Prvo pitanje: Suče, pitam te. Dao si mi usta; zar ne trebam govoriti što mi se sviđa? Drugo pitanje: Dao si mi oči; zar time ne trebam gledati ono što me raduje? Treće pitanje: Dao si mi uši; zašto njima ne bih slušao što mi se sviđa? Četvrto pitanje: Dao si mi ruke; zašto njima ne bih činio što mi je prijatno? Peto pitanje: Dao si mi noge; zašto njima ne bih hodao prema svojim željama? Kristov dgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac koji je sjedio na prijestolju i čiji su pokreti bili blagi i pristojni odgovori i reče: „Prijatelju, dao sam ti usta da bi na razuman način govorio što je korisno tvojoj duši i tvojem tijelu kao i da bi govorio ono što služi meni na čast.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Drugo, dao sam ti oči da bi vidio zlo od kojeg treba bježati i spasonosno koje treba sačuvati.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Treće, dao sam ti uši da bi čuo što je istinito i pristojno.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Četvrto, dao sam ti ruke da bi njima radio što je nužno za tijelo i nije štetno za dušu.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Peto, dao sam ti noge da bi se udaljio od ljubavi prema svijetu i da bi došao miru i ljubavi svoje duše kao i meni, svojem spasitelju i otkupitelju.“ Drugo ispitivanje Opet se pojavio redovnik kao prije na svojoj stepenici i reče: „O, Kriste, suče, ti si dobrovoljno na sebe uzeo najgorkiju muku; zašto se zbog toga ne bih trebao predati častohleplju i oholosti u svijetu?“ Drugo pitanje: „Dalje si mi dao vremenita dobra; zašto onda ne smijem posjedovati što želim?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto si dalje mom tijelu dao udove ako ih ne smijem micati i koristiti prema svojoj volji?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Dalje, zašto si inače dao zakon i pravednost, ako ne da se čini osveta?“ Peto pitanje: „Dalje si dopustio držati mir i odmor; zašto si onda uredio umor i nevolje da ih osjećamo?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, moja strpljivost dugo podnosi oholost ljudi da bi poniznost bila uzdignuta i moja snaga otkrivena. I budući da oholost nije stvorena od mene, već je izumljena od đavla, čovjek zato mora bježati od nje; jer vodi u pakao. No poniznost treba biti sačuvana jer vodi u nebo i ja, Bog, svojim sam je riječima i primjerom učio.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Dalje, vremenita dobra su dana ljudima od mene i dozvoljena da bi čovjek od toga učinio razumnu upotrebu i da bi ono što je stvoreno bilo pretvoreno u nestvoreno, naime u mene, stvoritelja, tako što me se zbog mojih dobara hvali i časti, a ne da se živi prema želji tijela.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Jednako su udovi tijela čovjeku dani zato da duši pokažu sliku vrlina i da mogu biti duši na službu i na snagu kao njezini alati.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Dalje su zakon i pravednost postavljeni od mene da bi bili ispunjeni višom ljubavlju i milosrđem i da bi među ljudima bili učvršćeni božansko jedinstvo i sloga.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Kad sam čovjeku konačno dao da može njegovati tjelesni mir i odmor, to sam učinio da bi slabost mesa bila ojačana i da bi duša primila jakost i snagu. Budući da meso povremeno odjednom postane bahato, sa zahvalnošću se mora podnositi kako nevolje, tako i sve čime se može popraviti.“ Treće ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pokazao redovnik na svojoj prečki i reče: „O, suče, pitam te, zašto si nam dao tjelesna osjetila ako se ne trebamo micati i živjeti prema osjetilima mesa?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto si dao živežne namirnice i namirnice za uzdržavanje tijela, naime hranu i druge prijatnosti ako ne trebamo živjeti prema žudnjama mesa za zasićenje?“ Treće pitanje: „Čemu si nam dalje dao slobodnu volju ako ne da slijedimo svoju volju?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto si dalje muškarcima i ženama dao sjeme miješanja i nagon prirode ako ne smije biti proliveno prema želji mesa?“ Peto pitanje: „Čemu drume si na kraju srcu dao volju ako ne da se voli ono što je najslađe prija i što je najslasnije za uživanje?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, dao sam ljudima osjetila i razum da bi razmišljali o putovima života i slijedili ih te da bi bježali od putova smrti.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Jednako sam dao hranu i nužno mesu za umjerenu prehranu tijela da bi ono moglo s više snage razviti vrline duše, a ne da bi bilo oslabljeno obiljem.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Dalje sam ljudima dao slobodnu volju s uvjetom da se zbog mene, koji sam njegov Bog, odrekne vlastite volje i time postigne to veću zaslugu.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Isto tako sam dao sjeme miješanja zato da na doličnom mjestu i na doličan način nikne i iz ispravnog i razumnog razloga bude plodno.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Konačno, dao sam čovjeku srce zato da bi u njega mogao zatvoriti mene, svoga Boga koji sam svugdje i bezgraničan i da bi mu radost bila misliti na mene.“ Prva objava u knjizi pitanja Djevica Marija razgovara s blaženom Brigitom i podučava je o pet vrlina koje treba imati iznutra i pet koje treba imati izvana. Majka reče: „Kćeri, iznutra i izvana moraš imati pet stvari. Prvo izvana usta koja su čista od zlog klevetanja drugih; uši zatvorene za isprazno brbljanje; stidljive oči; ruke djelatne u dobru koje te također odvlače od ophođenja sa svijetom, noge brze za dobro. Isto tako iznutra: žarku ljubav prema Bogu; mudru želju za njim; raspodjelu vremenitih dobara s pravednom i ispravnom namjerom i na razuman način; ponizan bijeg od svijeta; obzirno i strpljivo čekanje mojeg obećanja.“ Četvrto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se na svojoj stepenici pojavio redovnik kao gore i reče: „O, suče, zašto trebam tragati za Božjom mudrošću kad imam mudrost svijeta?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto trebam tugovati i plakati kad imam radost i slavu svijeta u izobilju?“ Treće pitanje: „Reci dalje zašto i kako se trebam radovati u žalosti tijela?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Isto tako zašto se trebam bojati kad imam jakost vlastite snage?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto trebam biti poslušan drugima ako je moja volja u njezinoj vlastitoj vlasti?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, svaki onaj koji je mudar prema svijetu, slijep je u odnosu na mene, svoga Boga. Da bi se zato postigla moja božanska mudrost, nužno je se brižno i marljivo traži.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Svaki koji ima čast svijeta i njegovu radost, tjeran je uokolo različitim brigama i zapleten je u gorčine koje vode u pakao. Da dakle netko ne bi odstupio od puta za nebo, nužno je da se pobožno brine i moli i plače.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Dalje je vrlo korisno radovati se u žalosti i slabosti mesa; jer tko ima žalost mesa, njemu se približava moje milosrđe i pomoću njega se taj lakše približava vječnom životu.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Dalje, svaki onaj tko je jak, jak je po meni, ali ja sam jači od njega. Zato se svugdje treba bojati da jakost ne bude oduzeta.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Tko dalje u svojoj ruci ima slobodnu volju, mora se bojati i istinski prepoznati da ništa ne vodi vječnoj kazni tako lako kao vlastita volja bez vođe. Tko zato meni, svojem Bogu, prepusti vlastitu volju tako što mi je poslušan, imat će nebo bez kazne.“ Peto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pojavio redovnik kao gore i reče: „O, suče, zašto si stvorio crve koji štete, ali ne mogu koristiti?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto si dalje stvorio životinje koje mogu štetiti i ljudima?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto tijelima šalješ bolesti i slabosti?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto trpiš nepravdu nepravednih sudaca koji svoje podređene muče i bičuju kao kupljene robove?“ Peto pitanje: „Naposljetku, zašto je čovjekovo tijelo mučeno još i u trenutku smrti?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. „Prijatelju, ja, Bog i sudac, stvorio sam nebo i zemlju i sve što je u njima, ništa bez razloga i bez sličnosti s duhovnim. Jer kao što duše svetih sliče anđelima koji su u životu i blaženstvu, tako su duše nepravednih slične zlim duhovima koje leže u vječnoj smrti. Budući da si sad pitao zašto sam stvorio crve, odgovaram ti da sam ih stvorio da pokažem višestruku moć moje mudrosti i dobrote. Jer iako mogu naštetiti, štete samo kad ja dozvolim i kad grijeh zahtijeva da bi čovjek, koji prezire podrediti se svojem najvišem nadređenom, mogao uzdahnuti što može biti mučen i od najnižeg i znati da čovjek nije ništa bez mene kojemu i ono što je nerazumno služi, kako sve čeka moj znak.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto sam stvorio divlje životinje, na to ti odgovaram: Sve što sam stvorio nije bilo samo dobro, već i vrlo dobro i stvoreno je ili za čovjekovu korist i za njegovo ili ispitivanje preostalih stvorenja ili da bi čovjek služio samo svojem Bogu to poniznije što je sretniji od svih stvorenja. Divlje životinje štete u vremenitim stvarima iz dvostrukog razloga. Prvo, za kaznu i spoznaju zla da bi zli ljudi iz bičeva mogli prepoznati kako trebaju biti poslušni meni, svojem nadređenom; drugo, štete i pobožnima za napredovanje u vrlinama i čišćenje i budući da se čovjek po griješenju podigao protiv mene, svoga Boga, tako se i sve što mu je bilo podređeno podiglo protiv njega.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto nad tijelo dolazi bolest, na to odgovaram da se to događa za veći oprez od grijeha i zbog poroka neumjerenosti i žderanja da bi čovjek kroz zauzdavanje tijela naučio duhovnu umjerenost i strpljivost.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto se dalje podnosi nepravedne suce? To se događa za čišćenje drugih i zbog moje strpljivosti da kao što se zlato čisti vatrom, zlobom pakosnih duše budu očišćene i odgojene i zadržane od svega nedozvoljenog. Zato i zle ljude strpljivo podnosim da bi đavlovi klasovi mogli biti odvojeni od žita dobrih i da bi se po mojoj skrivenoj pravednosti ispunila njihova pohlepa.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Naposljetku, zašto tijelo pati u smrti? Pravedno je da čovjek kroz ono što griješi bude kažnjen pomoću sličnog i budući da griješi kroz neuredno uživanje, ispravno je da bude kažnjen gorčinom i primjerenom kaznom. Zato kod ponekih smrt počinje ovdje da bi u paklu trajala bez kraja; kod drugih smrt završava u čistilištu i počinje vječna radost.“ Druga objava Djevica Marija govori blaženoj Brigiti da tko želi kušati božansku slatkoću, prvo mora kušati gorčinu. Marija reče: „Tko je među svetima imao slatkoću duha bez da je prije okusio gorčinu? Tko dakle želi slatkoću, neće bježati od gorčine.“ Šesto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pojavio isti na stepenici koji je prije bio tamo i reče: „O, suče, pitam te, zašto jedno dijete dolazi živo iz tijela svoje majke i postiže krštenje i zašto drugo umire u majčinu tijelu nakon što je primilo dušu?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto se dalje pravednom čovjeku događa mnogo protivnog, a nepravednom pak sve prema želji?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto nastaju pošasti, glad i nedaće koje muče tijelu?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto dalje smrt dolazi iznenada tako da se vrlo rijetko može predvidjeti?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto podnosiš ljude koji se s umišljajem srde i zavidni su i idu u rat s namjerom da se osvete?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, tvoje pitanje ne dolazi iz ljubavi, već iz mojeg dopuštenja, zato ću ti dati odgovor kroz usporedbu riječi. Pitaš: zašto jedno dijete umire u tijelu svoje majke, a drugo živo dolazi na svijet? Razlog je slijedeći. Sva jakost dječjeg tijela je uzeta iz sjemena oca i majke; no ako začeti plod zbog bilo koje slabosti oca ili majke nema nužnu jakost, umire zbog toga brže. Mnogo toga proizlazi i iz nemarnosti i nebrige roditelja kao što je mnogo toga posljedica moje božanske pravednosti što su duša i tijelo nakon njihova sjedinjenja ranije razdijeljeni. Ipak, dušu, ako za oživljenje tijela i nije primila dulje vrijeme, ne čekaju one najteže muke, već se više približava mojem, meni poznatom milosrđu. Jer kao što se sunce kad sjaji u kuću ne vidi u svojoj ljepoti, već se vide samo zrake, tako ove duše dolaze, iako zbog nedostatka krštenja ne vide moje lice, bliže mojem milosrđu nego muci, no ipak ne kao moji izabrani.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto se pravednim ljudima događaju protivnosti? Odgovaram: Moja pravednost zahtijeva da svaki pravednik postigne što želi. No nije pravednik onaj koji primjereno svojoj poslušnosti i za usavršavanje pravednosti ne želi podnositi protivnosti i koji svojem bližnjem iz Božje ljubavi ne iskazuje dobro. Ako zato moji prijatelji razmatraju što sam ja, njihov Bog i otkupitelj, učinio za njih i obećao im i istovremeno se obaziru na to kakva je zloba u svijetu, tako mole na moju čast i za vlastiti spas, kao i da ublaže grijeh, radi opreza radije za protivnosti nego za radosti svijeta zbog čega i dopuštam da nad njih dođu nevolje. Ako ih sad neki među njima podnose i manje strpljivo, ne dopuštam da se događa bez razloga i pomažem im u nevolji; jer kao što sin, kad je u djetinjstvu kažnjen od svoje ljubazne majke, zna malo zahvale majci jer ne shvaća zašto je kažnjen, ali kasnije, kad dođe u godine razlikovanja, zahvaljuje joj jer je kroz njezin odgoj zadržan od zla i navikao se na dobro ponašanje i odgoj, na isti način ja činim sa svojim odabranima; jer budući da mi oni predaju svoju volju i iznad svega me vole, jedno ih vrijeme opsjedaju nevolje i iako u sadašnjosti ne prepoznaju savršeno moja dobročinstva, iskazujem im što će im koristi u budućnosti. No bezbožnici, budući da se ne brinu o pravednosti i ne boje se drugima nanijeti nepravdu i koji žele prolazno i vole prijatno zemaljsko, zbog moje pravednosti imaju jedno vrijeme sreću i slobodni su od bičeva da ne bi griješili više ako bi ih dotakle protivnosti. Ipak, zlima nije dano sve što žele da bi znali da kod mene stoji ako nešto želim dati budući da i nezahvalnima činim dobro, iako ne zaslužuju.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje dolaze pošasti i glad? Odgovaram: u zakonu je pisano da tko počini krađu, mora dati više nego što je uzeo; ako prema tome nezahvalni ljudi ne prime moje darove i zloporabe ih i od mi nije iskazana dužna čast, u sadašnjem vremenu opsjedam tijelo većom nevoljom da bi u budućnosti duša bila pošteđena. Ponekad pošteđujem i tijelo i kažnjavam čovjeka na onome i kroz ono što voli da me onaj, tko me nije htio prepoznati, budući da se radovao, kroz nevolju razumije i upozna.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto dalje dolazi iznenadna smrt? Odgovaram: kad bi čovjek znao vrijeme svoje smrti, služio bi mi iz straha ili bi od boli ostao bez snage. Da bi mi čovjek mogao služiti iz ljubavi i uvijek bio zabrinut za sebe, ali osiguran za mene, zato je sat izlaska svih neizvjestan i to s pravom. Jer kad je čovjek napustio što je bilo istinsko i izvjesno, bilo je nužno i pravedno da bude mučen od nesigurnosti.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto dopuštam se da ljudi, kad se njihova osvetljivost prepuni, otvore ratu? Odgovaram: svaki koji ima savršenu volju naštetiti svojem bližnjem, sličan je đavlu i njegov je ud i alat i đavlu bih nepravedno učinio kad bih mu, bez da imam pravo, uzeo njegovog slugu. Kao što me moj alat služi u svemu što mi se sviđa, tako pravednost zahtijeva da đavao u onome, tko je više njegov nego moj ud, djeluje i čini što je njegovo, bilo za čišćenje drugih ili za okončanje svoje zlobe budući da tako dopuštam i grijeh to zahtijeva.“ Sedmo ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pojavio redovnik na svojoj stepenici i reče: „O, suče, pitam te u kojem smislu se govori o prezirnom i lijepom u svijetu?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto trebam mrziti lijepo svijeta kad sam lijep i od plemenitog roda?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto se ne trebam podići iznad ostalih kad sam bogat?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto se ne trebam staviti ispred drugih kad sam dostojniji časti nego drugi?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto ne trebam težiti vlastitoj hvali kad sam dobar i dostojan hvale?“ Šesto pitanje: „Ako drugima iskažem dobro, zašto ne trebam zahtijevati nagradu?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, što je u smislu svijeta prijezirno i lijepo, to kao da je gorko i slatko. Za nešto prijezirno u svijetu drži se biti prezren od njega i trpjeti; to je gorko za pravedne i korisno za njihovo zdravlje; za lijepo u svijetu se drži biti sretan i to je zavodljiva slatkoća i kao laskajuće i varljivo zdravlje. Tko dakle bježi od ljepote svijeta i odbacuje njegovu slatkoću, neće vidjeti niti odvratno mjesto pakla, niti kušati njegovu gorčinu, već će se uzdići k mojoj radosti. Da se ne bi kušala gorčina pakla i postigla se nebeska slatkoća, nužno je više težiti za onim što je u svijetu prijezirno nego za onim što je u njemu lijepo jer od mene je sve dobro stvoreno i sve vrlo dobro, no ipak se poglavito treba čuvati onoga što bi onima, koji moje darove nerazumno koriste, moglo dati povod za štetu duše.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto se dalje ne treba hvaliti rodom? Odgovaram: ono što si primio od svoga oca je najprezrenija trulež i u tijelu svoje majke bio si kao mrtav i potpuno nečist. Također nije bilo u tvojoj moći da budeš rođen od plemenitih ili neplemenitih, već te moja dobrota donijela na to svjetlo. Ponizi se, dakle, ti, koji si nazvan plemenitim, poda mnom, svojim Bogom koji sam učinio da budeš rođen od plemenitog i smatraj se jednakim svojem bližnjem jer ste od istog materijala, iako si ti po mojoj providnosti došao iz visokog roda, a onaj iz niskog. Ti, plemiću, boj se više nego neplemić jer što si višeg plemstva i bogatstva, to će stroži račun biti tražen od tebe i isto tako će te čekati teži sud jer si primio više.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto se ne smije umisliti bogatstvom? Odgovaram: Bogatstva svijeta ti pripadaju samo za potrebe tvojeg uzdržavanja tijela i tvoga odijevanja. Jer svijet je napravljen zato da bi čovjek radom postigao uzdržavanje svoga tijela i vratio se u poniznosti meni, svojem Bogu kojeg je, postavši neposlušan, prezreo, kako me u svojoj oholosti zanemario. No kažeš li da su vremenita dobra tvoja, kažem ti izvjesno da kao da si nasilno prisvajaš ono što imaš iznad svoje potrebe. Jer vremenita dobra trebaju sva biti zajednička i iz ljubavi za potrebite jednaka. No ti prisvajaš u obilje ono što bi trebalo iz samilosti biti dano drugima, iako i mnogi na razuman način ispred drugih imaju mnogo toga što razumno posjeduju i pametno razdjeljuju. Da na sudu ne bi bio teško optužen da si primio veće nego drugi, za savjetovati ti je da se u oholijem uzdizanju i gomilanju bogatstva ne smatraš ispred drugih. Jer kao što je prijatno u svijetu posjedovati više vremenitog nego drugi i imati obilje, tako je na sudu strašno i preko mjere teško ako se dozvoljeno ne upotrijebi razumno.“ Odgovor na četvrto i peto pitanje: „Zašto se dalje ne treba tražiti vlastita hvala? Odgovaram: nitko nije od samog sebe dobar osim mene, Boga, i svaki koji je dobar, od mene je. Ako zato ti, koji si ništa, tražiš svoju vlastitu hvalu, ali ne moju, iako od mene dolazi svaki savršeni dar, tvoja je hvala isprazna i vrijeđaš mene, svoga stvoritelja. Kako zato sve dobro koje imaš dolazi od mene, tako samo meni pripada sva hvala i kako ti ja, tvoj Bog, dajem sve vremenito, snagu i zdravlje, savjest i oštroumnost izmisliti ono što ti je najkorisnije, kao i vremena i život, tako zbog svih tih dobara biti čašćen tako što sa dodijeljenim postupaš dobro i razumno. No ako to upotrebljavaš loše, tako je krivnja kao i nezahvalnost na tvojoj strani.“ Odgovor na šesto pitanje: „Zašto se dalje za dobra djela u sadašnjosti ne treba tražiti vremenito vraćanje? Na to ti odgovaram: svaki koji drugome iskaže dobro u namjeri da od ljudi ne očekuje vraćanje, već im želi dati kao ja, Bog, primit će najveće za najmanje, vječno za vremenito. No tko želi zemaljsko za vremenito, primit će što želi, no izgubit će vječno. Da bi se dakle željelo vječno umjesto prolaznog, korisno je ne kod ljudi, već kod mene tražiti svoju plaću.“ Osmo ispitivanje Dalje se pojavio redovnik na ljestvama i reče: „O, suče, pitam te zašto dopuštaš da u hramovima pogana budu postavljeni bogovi i uživaju čast jednako tebi samome kad je tvoje kraljevstvo plemenitije od njihova?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto dalje ne dopuštaš da ljudi u ovom životu ne vide tvoju slavu da bi je to žarkije željeli?“ Treće pitanje: „Ako su dalje tvoji sveti i anđeli plemeniti i sveti iznad svih stvorenja, zašto se ne daju vidjeti od ljudi u ovom životu?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Ako je dalje muka pakla tako strašna da se ništa s time ne može usporediti, zašto ne dopuštaš da ljudima u ovom životu postane vidljiva da bi se pobjeglo od nje?“ Peto pitanje: „Kad su na kraju đavoli tako unakaženi i bez usporedbe odvratni, zašto se ne pojave ljudima vidljivi kad ih onda nitko ne bi slijedio niti im dao svoje odobravanje?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, ja sam stvoritelj svih stvari; zlome ne činim nikakvu veću nepravdu nego dobrom jer sam pravedan. Moja pravednost je da ulazak u nebo treba biti postignut postojanom vjerom i razumnom nadom i žarkom ljubavlju. Sve što se u srcu voli više i vrućije, na to se češće misli i to se češće moli; tako su i bogovi koje se izlaže u hramovima, iako nisu bogovi i stvoritelji jer samo je jedan stvoritelj, naime ja, Bog Otac, Sin i Duh Sveti, ipak od vlasnika hramova, ljudi, više voljeni od mene da bi im u svijetu išlo dobro, ali ne da bi živjeli sa mnom. Kad bih sad uništio ono što ljudi vole više od mene i kad bih dao da me mole protiv svoje volje, činio bih im nepravdu kad bih im uzeo ono što žele svojom slobodnom voljom. Budući da nemaju vjeru u mene i u srcu se nečemu raduju više nego meni, na razuman način dopuštam da ono što vole i srcem žele, također izvana ostvare djelom i budući da svoje vlastito stvorenje vole više od mene, njihova stvoritelja kojeg su iz njegovih znakova i djela mogli istinito prepoznati da su htjeli upotrijebiti svoj razum, tako je, budući da su zaslijepljeni, njihovo stvorenje prokleto i prokleti su njihovi idoli, a oni sami će na sramotu i zbog svojeg budalaštva biti suđeni jer nisu htjeli uvidjeti kako sladak sam ja, njihov Bog koji sam iz vruće ljubavi stvorio i otkupio ljude.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto dalje moja slava nije vidljiva? Odgovaram: moja slava je neizreciva i u ljupkosti s ničim usporediva. Kad bi sad moja slava mogla vidjeti takva kakva jest, čovjekovo raspadljivo tijelo bi postalo nemoćno i slabo kao osjetila onih koji su gledali moju slavu na gori. Tijelo bi se također od radosti duše prestalo raditi i ne bi zadržalo postojanost za tjelesni rad. No budući da se bez rada ljubavi ne događa ni pristup nebu i da bi vjera imala svoju nagradu, a tijelo bilo sposobno raditi, moja je slava jedno vrijeme skrivena da bi iz želje i vjere u vječnosti mogla biti gledana to sretnije i bogatije.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto se dalje sveti ne vide kakvi jesu? Odgovaram: kad bi moji sveti javno postali vidljivi i na vidljivi način govorili, bila bi im iskazivana čast jednako kao i meni i vjera ne bi imala zaslugu, slabost mesa također ne bi izdržala pogled na njih. Zato se moji sveti niti ne čuju niti ne vide kakvi jesu da bi sva čast bila iskazana meni i da bi čovjek znao da se nikoga ne treba voljeti više od mene. No ako se moji sveti povremeno i ukažu, ipak se ne daju pokazati u obliku slave u kojoj se zaista nalaze, već u obliku sa sakrivenim obiljem snage u kojem mogu biti gledani bez pomutnje tjelesnog razuma.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto dalje muke pakla ne postaju vidljive? Odgovaram: kad bi se muke pakla kakve jesu pokazale vidljive, čovjek se bi od straha potpuno ukočio i nebesko tražio iz straha, ne iz ljubavi. No budući da nitko ne treba tražiti božansku radost iz straha od kazne, već iz božanske ljubavi, kazne se drže skrivenima. Jer kao što dobri i sveti ne mogu kušati onu neizrecivu radost kakva je prije odvajanja tijela i duše, tako i zli ne osjećaju muku, već nakon što je duša odijeljena od tijela, iskustvom osjećaju ono što razumom nisu htjeli provjeriti kad su mogli.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto se dalje đavoli ne ukazuju vidljivi? Odgovaram: kad bi njihova odvratna ružnoća bila gledana, duša gledaoca bi od samog pogleda postala nerazumna; cijelo tijelo bi treslo kao ono drhtećeg čovjeka, srce također kao da bi od straha umrlo obezdušeno; i noge bi bile izvan stanja da nose preostale udove. Da bi duša postojano ostala u svojem razumu i srce bilo budno u mojoj ljubavi i tijelo ostalo dovoljno jako da radi u mojoj službi, ružnoća đavola se drži skrivenom da bi istovremeno njihova zloba i drskost bili zauzdani.“ Treća objava Krist razgovara sa svojom zaručnicom, blaženom Brigitom, i daje joj poduku kroz usporedbu o jednom liječniku koji zaista liječi i jednom lažnom koji ubija i o jednom čovjeku koji postupa prema procjeni i govori: „Od ruke čovjeka koji prima grešnike, koji, kada im pruža pomoć ili prigodu za griješenje, umiru u svojem grijehu, Bog će zahtijevati duhovnu smrt tih duša; no ako ih primi da bi prestali griješiti, da bi se od njega dali podučiti u vrlinama i poprave se, on i oni će imati veliku zaslugu od Boga.“ Sin Božji reče: „Ako je u kući bolesnik i k njemu uđe valjan liječnik, on odmah po vanjskim znakovima rasuđuje kakvu bolest onaj ima. Kad sad liječnik zna patnikovu bolest i da mu lijek nakon kojeg uslijedi smrt, optužen je da je ubojica i nije pravi liječnik. Vrši li netko tko ima znanje liječenja medicinu za plaću svijeta, od mene neće primiti nikakvu nagradu. Ipak, bavi li se netko medicinom iz ljubavi prema meni i radi moje časti, dužan sam ga nagraditi. No kad netko nije majstor medicine, već prema svojoj procjeni vjeruje da je bolesnome ovo ili ono korisno i da mu to u dobroj namjeri, on ne smije biti okrivljen za ubojstvo ako bolesnik umre, ali mora biti smatran kao budalast i drzak čovjek, a bude li od njegova lijeka bolesnik zdrav, onda on ne smije primiti plaću majstora, već čovjeka koji lijek nije dao prema znanju, već po procjeni. Reći ću ti što to znači: oni tebi poznati ljudi su duhovno bolesni, skloni oholosti i pohlepi i slijede vlastitu volju. Ako im jedan od njihovih prijatelja, kojeg uspoređujem s liječnikom, pruži pomoć i savjet nakon čega se prekorače u oholosti i častohleplju i duhovno umru, od njegove ću ruke zaista zahtijevati njihovu smrt; jer iako umiru kroz vlastitu nepravednost, on ipak, budući da je po svojoj pruženoj usluzi uzrok njihove smrti, neće biti slobodan od kazne. No ako je, vođen prirodnom ljubavlju, prijateljski prema njima i podiže ih u svijetu radi svoje utjehe i časti svijeta, od mene mu neće biti pružena plaća. Ako pak kao dobar liječnik razmišlja o njima i govori si: 'Bolesni su i potreban im je lijek i zato ću im, koliko god im on bio gorak, budući da je ljekovit, pružiti svoj lijek da ne bi umrli preoštrom smrću; zato ću ih kratko zaustaviti, ali im dati hranu da ne umru od gladi; pružit ću im odjeću da mogu uvaženo nastupati primjereno njihovu staležu; zadržat ću ih i pod svojim vodstvom da ne bi postali ponosni; opskrbit ću ih i drugim nužnostima da se ne podignu u oholosti i kroz drskost ne postanu neobuzdani, niti da imaju razlog drugima naštetiti.', takav liječnik će od mene primiti veliku plaću jer mi je takvo ponašanje prijatno. No misli li si njihov prijatelj i govori: 'Pružit ću im nužno, ali ne znam je li im korisni ili ne, no vjerujem da se Bogu ne sviđa ili da je protivno njihovu spasenju.', i umru li onda nakon njegova dara, prijatelj neće biti optužen za ubojstvo, već zbog svoje dobre volje i pobožne namjere u kojoj više voli njihove duše, iako prijatelj neće primiti putu plaću, bolesni će ipak imati olakšanje i ojačati svoje zdravlje koje bi, da ljubav nije pripomogla, teško postigli. Ipak je ovdje potreban savjet; jer prema općoj poslovici divlja životinja ne šteti tako dugo dok je zatvorena i ako u svojoj zatvorenosti prima nužnu hranu, postaje jaka i jednako bodra kao životinja koja ima vlast svoje slobode. Budući da su oni, čija krv i srce traže što je visoko, te vrste i njihova volja to više žeđa što više prije, njihov prijatelj im ne treba dati priliku za takve žudnje; doduše, žude za tim, ali ne mogu zadovoljiti svoj apetit.“ Deveto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Nakon ovih riječi pojavio se redovnik na svojoj stepenici i reče: „Suče, pitam te zašto se pokazuješ tako nejednak u svojim darovima i milostima da si svoju Majku stavio ispred svih stvorenja i uzvisio je iznad anđela?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto si dalje anđelima dao duh bez tijela i da ostanu u nebeskoj radosti, a ljudima zemljanu posudu i duh kao i rođenje u plaču, život u teškoći, smrt s boli?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto si dalje ljudima dao razumno razumijevanje i osjetila, a životinjama nikakav razum?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto si životinjama dao život, a preostalim bezosjećajnim stvorenjima ne?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto svjetlo ne vlada noću kao i danju?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, u mojem božanstvu je sve buduće i ono što se treba dogoditi kao i ono što se dogodilo znano unaprijed i od početka je unaprijed poznato. Jer kao što je čovjekov pad, koji je dopušten od Božje pravednosti, ali nije učinjen od Boga, bio znan unaprijed, ipak nije nikako zbog tog predznanja morao nastupiti, tako je od vječnosti unaprijed znano kako se prema Božjem milosrđu treba dogoditi otkupljenje ljudi. Pitaš sad zašto sam Mariju, svoju Majku, stavio ispred svih i volio je ispred svih stvorenja. To se dogodilo jer se na njoj nalazio poseban znak vrlina. Jer kao što kod zapaljene vatre od drva koja leže okolo najbrže hvata plamen i izgara ono koje najlakše i najdjelotvornije lovi vatru, tako je bilo i kod Marije. Kad je vatra božanske ljubavi, koja se po sebi nepromjenjiva i vječna, počela gorjeti i pojavljivati se i božanstvo je htjelo postati mesom, ni jedan stvor nije bio pogodniji i snažniji primiti tu vatru od Djevice Marije jer ni jedno stvorenje nije plamtjelo u takvoj ljubavi kao ona. I iako njezina ljubav na kraju vremena treba postati otvorena i vidljiva, već je od početka svijeta bila predviđena i tako je u božanstvu od vječnosti predodređeno da kao što joj u ljubavi nije nađen nitko sličan, tako joj niti u milosti i blagoslovu nitko ne treba biti jednak.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto sam dalje anđelima dao duh bez mesa? Na to odgovaram: U početku i prije vremena i prije svijeta, stvorio sam duhove da bi oni, obdareni slobodnom voljom, prema mojoj volji mogli radovati mojoj dobroti i slavi. Poneki od njih su postali oholi i učinili su si zlo od dobrog tako što su svoju slobodnu volju izokrenuli neurednim pokretom. I budući da u prirodi i stvaranju nije bilo ništa zlo osim nereda vlastite volje, pali su. Ali drugi duhovi su odlučili ostati poda mnom, svojim Bogom, u poniznosti; zato su zaslužili vječnu postojanost jer je dostojno i pravedno da ja, Bog, koji sam nestvoreni duh, stvoritelj i gospodar svih stvari, također imam duhove u svojoj poslušnosti koji su finiji i pokretljiviji od ostalih stvorenja. No budući da nije priličilo da u svojoj vojsci iskusim smanjenje, stvorio sam drugo stvorenje, to jest čovjeka, na mjesto palih koji bi slobodnom i dobrom voljom trebao zaslužiti isto dostojanstvo kojeg su se anđeli odrekli. Kad bi tako čovjek imao dušu bez mesa, ne bi mogao za tako visoko dobro i zaslužiti ga, zato je, da bi se postigla vječna čast, duša spojena s tijelom. Zato su mu umnožene i nevolje da bi čovjek isprobao slobodu volju u svojim slabostima da ne bi postao ohol; dalje, da bi želio slavu za koju je stvoren i odbacio neposluh u koji je dragovoljno stupio. Zato mu je iz božanske pravednosti dodan tužan ulazak i izlazak i mučan život.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto onda životinje nemaju razumni razum jednako ljudima? Odgovaram ti: sve što je stvoreno, na čovjekovu je korist ili za njegov zov prirode i uzdržavanje ili za poduku, kaznu, utjehu i za ponižavanje. Kad bi nerazumne životinje imale razum jednako čovjeku, služile bi čovjeku na nevolju i više na štetu nego na korist. Da bi sve bilo podređeno čovjeku zbog kojeg je sve napravljeno i da bi se sve moglo bojati njega, a on sam nikoga osim mene, svoga Boga, zato im nije dana razumna spoznaja.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto dalje bezosjećajne stvari nemaju život? Odgovaram: sve što živi, umrijet će i sve živo se pokreće ako nije zaustavljeno od prepreke. Kad bi bezosjećajne stvari imale život, prije bi se pokrenule protiv nego za čovjeka. Da bi čovjeku sve služilo na utjehu, za zaštitu mu je dano što je više, to jest anđeli, i on s njima ima razum i besmrtnost duše; što je nasuprot tome nisko, naime osjećajne i bezosjećajne stvari, dane su mu na korist, uzdržavanje, poduku i vježbanje.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto cijelo vrijeme nije dan? Na to odgovaram kroz primjer. Pod svakim su prijevozom, naime kolima, kotači da bi se natovareni teret lakše kretao naprijed i stražnji kotači slijede prednje. Slično je u duhovnom. Jer svijet je jedan veliki teret koji čovjeka opterećuje brigama i nevoljama i to nije čudo; jer budući da je čovjek prezreo mjesto mira, ispravno je da isproba mjesto teškoće. Da bi taj teret svijeta mogao biti što lakše nošen od ljudi, milosrdno su stupili izmjena i promjena vremena, naime dan i noć, vrućina i hladnoća da bi čovjek vježbao i imao mir. Jer razumno je da se gdje se sastaju suprotnosti, naime jako i slabo, popušta slabome da bi moglo postojati s jakim, inače je slabo uništeno. Tako je i s čovjekom; jer iako po snazi svoje besmrtne duše može ostati u razmišljanju i radu, zbog slabosti tijela bi podlegao i zato je stvoreno svjetlo da bi čovjek, koji ima zajednicu s višim i nižim, mogao postojati tako što preko dana radi i razmišlja o slatkoći vječnog svjetla koje je izgubio. Noć je dalje napravljena radi mira tijela ako ima želju doći na mjesto gdje niti noći, niti dana, već stalni dan i vječna slava.“ Četvrta objava kojoj Sin Božji vrlo lijepo hvali sve udove Djevice, svoje majke i tumači ih na duhovan način tako što ih uspoređuje s vrlinama i proglašava je vrlo dostojnom kraljevske krune. Sin Božji reče: „U svojem božanstvu sam okrunjeni kralj bez početka i kraja; niti moja kruna nema početka i kraja; ona predstavlja moju moć koja nije imala poček i neće imati kraj. No u samome sebi sam čuvao jednu drugu krunu i ta kruna sam ja, sam Bog. Ta je kruna ipak bila pripravljena onome tko će imati najveću ljubav prema meni i tu si krunu dobila ti, moja najslađa majko, i s pravednošću i ljubavlju si je primila na sebe. Jer anđeli i drugi sveti daju svjedočanstvo o tome da je u tebi ljubav prema meni bila žarkija i tvoja kreposnost čišća od svih i sviđala mi se iznad svih. Jer tvoja glava je bila kao sjajno zlato i tvoje vlasi su bile kao zrake sunca jer tvoje vrlo čisto djevičanstvo, koje kao da je u tebi glava svih vrlina, i suzdržljivost od svih nedozvoljenih pokreta pred mojim su očima svijetlili u svoj poniznosti i svidjeli su mi se. Zato si s pravom iznad svega što je stvoreno nazvana okrunjenom kraljicom, kraljica zbog čistoće i okrunjena zbog izvrsnog dostojanstva. Tvoje čelo je bilo od takve neusporedive bjeline i predstavljalo je poštovanja dostojnu stidljivost tvoje savjesti u kojoj je sadržano obilje ljudskog znanja i slatkoća božanske mudrosti svijetli nad svima. Tvoje oči su pred licem moga Oca bile tako svjetleće da se u njima odražavao; jer u tvojem duhovnom licu i razumu tvoje duše Otac je gledao tvoju cijelu volju i da nisi htjela ništa osim Njega niti čeznula za nečim osim njim. Tvoje uši su bile vrlo čiste i otvorene kao prekrasni prozori kad ti je Gabrijel objavio moju volju i ja, Bog, postao sam u tebi tijelo. Tvoji obrazi su bili najbolje boje, naime bijeli i crveni, jer su mi se glas tvojih djela i ljepota tvojih običaja u kojima si dnevno bila zapaljena sviđali. Zaista, Bog Otac se obradovao ljepotom tvoga obraza i nikad svoje oko nije odvraćao od tebe i kroz tvoju ljubav su svi postigli ljubav. Tvoja usta su bila kao svjetiljka koja je iznutra gorjela i izvana svjetlila jer su riječi i pokreti tvoje duše bile iznutra goruće od božanskog razuma i izvana su svijetlile od pohvalnog reda tvojih pokreta i prekrasnog sklada tvojih vrlina. Zaista, moja najdraža majko, riječ tvojih usta je u određenoj mjeri povukla moje božanstvo na tebe i žarkost tvoje božanske slatkoće nikad nije dopustila razdvajanje između tebe i mene jer su tvoje riječi slađe od meda i saća. Tvoj vrat je usklađen na plemenit način i vrlo lijepo uzdignut jer je tvoja pravednost bila savršeno uspravljena prema meni i pokreta prema mojoj volji i nikad se nije nagnula nekoj kažnjivoj oholosti; jer kao što se vrat naginje na glavi, tako se cijelo tvoje razmišljanje i djelovanje naginjalo prema mojoj volji. Tvoja prsa su bila napunjena svakom ljupkosti tako da u meni nije ni jedno dobro koje ne bi bilo u tebi; jer pomoću slatkoće tvojih običaja navukla si na sebe sve dobro kad se mojem božanstvu svidjelo ući u tebe i mojem čovještvu stanovati kod tebe i piti mlijeko tvojih prsa. Tvoje ruke su bile lijepe kroz istinsku poslušnost i podnošenje radova. Zato su tvoje ljupke ruke dotakle moje čovještvo i na tvojim rukama sam u svojem božanstvu mirno ležao. Tvoje tijelo je bilo veoma čisto kao bjelokost i kroz drago kamenje kao ispunjena najvišim sjajem; jer postojanost tvoje savjesti i vjere nije nikad bila mlitava i niti u nevoljama nije mogla biti ozlijeđena; površine tvoga tijela, to jest tvoje vjere, bile su kao najsvjetlije zlato; kroz njih je predstavljena jakost tvojih vrlina, tvoja pamet, tvoja pravednost i umjerenost zajedno sa savršenom postojanošću jer su baš sve tvoje vrline bile dovršene kroz božansku ljubav. Tvoje noge su bile iznimno čiste i oprane i kao u obilju prekrivene mirisnim biljem jer su tvoja nada i sklonosti tvoje duše bile upravljene prema meni, tvojem Bogu, i mirisale su drugima za uzor i oponašanje. To mjesto stanovanja tvojeg tijela, duhovnog kao i tjelesnog, bilo mi je tako poželjno i tvoja duša tako prema mojem sviđanju da se nisam bojao sići s najvišeg neba k tebi i u tebi uzeti svoje prebivalište, da, u tome mi je bila najslađa radost. Zato, moja najdraža majko, onu krunu, koja je bila čuvana u meni (i koja kruna sam doduše ja, Bog, koji sam morao postati meso), nitko nije smio staviti osim tebe jer si istinski majka i djevica i carica svih kraljica.“ Deseto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pojavio redovnik kao gore na svojoj stepenici i reče: „O, suče, pitam te zašto si, budući da si najmoćniji, najljepši i najkreposniji, na svoje božanstvo, koje je tako neusporedivo svjetlije od sunca, navukao takvu vreću, naime tvoje čovještvo?“ Drugo pitanje: „Kako dalje Tvoje božanstvo u sebi sve zatvara i od ničega nije zatvoreno, obuhvaća sve i od ničega nije obuhvaćeno?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto si dalje htio tako dugo ležati u Djevičinoj maternici i nisi izašao odmah nakon što si začet?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Budući da dalje sve možeš i posvuda si prisutan, zašto se odmah nisi pojavio u onom obličju kad si navršio trideset godina?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto si, kad po ocu nisi rođen iz Abrahamova sjemena, htio biti obrezan?“ Šesto pitanje: „Ako si bio začet i rođen bez grijeha, zašto si onda htio biti kršten?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac mu odgovori: „Prijatelju, odgovaram ti kroz primjer. Postoji vrsta grožđa čije je vino tako jako da bez djelovanja ljudi teče iz grožđa. Ako vlasnik primijeti vrijeme zrelosti, stavlja posudu ispod; ali vino ne čeka posudu, već posuda čeka vino; ako se ipak podmetne više posuda, vino se izlijeva u onu koja mu je najbliža. To grožđe je moje božanstvo koje je tako ispunjeno vinom božanske ljubavi da su svi korovi anđela time puni i sve što je jest sudjeluje u tome; no čovjek se neposluhom učinio nedostojnim njega. Kad je onda Bog, moj Otac, u od vječnosti predviđeno vrijeme htio pokazati svoju ljubav, poslao je svoje vino, to jest mene, svoga Sina, u posudu koja mu je najbliže postavljena čekala dolazak vina, naime u maternicu djevice koja je ispred svih stvorenja imala najžarkiju ljubav prema meni. Ta me djevica toliko voljela i toliko čeznula za mnom da nije bilo sata kad me nije tražila i željela postati mojom sluškinjom; zato je primila izabrano vino. To je vino imalo tri svojstva. Prvo, jakost jer sam izašao bez čovjekova doticanja; drugo, vrlo lijepu boju jer sam vrlo lijepa izgleda sišao s najviših nebesa da bih se borio; treće, najbolju slatkoću koja opija najvišim blagoslovom. To dakle vino koje sam ja sam otišlo je zato u djevičansko tijelo da bih ja, koji sam nevidljivi Bog, postao vidljiv da bih oslobodio izgubljenog čovjeka. Sigurno sam bio mogao primiti drugo obličje, no ne bi bila pravednost u Bogu ako ne bi bilo dano obličje za obličje, priroda za prirodu i mjera zadovoljštine prema mjeri krivnje. Tko među mudrima bi mogao vjerovati i držati se toga da bih se ja, svemoćni Bog, htio toliko poniziti, primiti vreću čovještva da nije bilo one moje nezamislive ljubavi pomoću koje sam na vidljiv način htio razgovarati s ljudima? I budući da sam vidio djevicu kako gori u tako vatrenoj ljubavi, strogost mojeg božanstva je svladana i ljubav se dala vidjeti da bi čovjek opet bio pomiren sa mnom. Što se čudiš? Ja, Bog, koji sam sam ljubav i koji ne mrzim ništa od onoga što sam stvorio, nisam odredio samo da ljudima dam najbolje darove, već i samog sebe za dragocjenu nagradu da bi oholi đavoli svi bili posramljeni.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Kako dalje moje božanstvo sve zatvara u sebi? Odgovaram: Ja, Bog, duh sam; kažem i dogodi se; zapovijedam i sve mi se pokorava; ja sam istinski onaj koji je svim stvorenjima dao postojanje i život, koji je, prije nego što sam stvorio nebo, brda i zemlju, sam u sebi, koji sam nad svim i izvan svega i u svemu kao što je u meni sve i bez mene nije ništa. I budući da moj duh puše svugdje gdje želi i može sve što želi i zna sve i brži i pokretljiviji je od svih duhova tako što ima svu snagu i predviđa sve sadašnje, prošlo i buduće, zato je moj duh, to jest moje božanstvo, s pravom neobuhvatljivo i samo obuhvaća sve u sebi.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto sam dalje tako dugo ležao u tijelu djevice? Odgovaram: ja sam stvoritelj cijele prirode i svakoj sam prirodi dodijelio njoj doličan način i red i vrijeme i nastanak. Da sam sad ja, stvoritelj, odmah nakon što sam začet napustio majčino tijelo, postupao bih protiv prirodnog rasporeda i onda bi primanje moga čovještva bilo kao prividno i smatrano neistinitim. Zato sam kao druga djeca htio biti tako dugo u majčinom tijelu da bih ono, što je učinjeno dobro tako što sam uredio prirodni raspored, ispunio i u samome sebi.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto dalje odmah u vrijeme svog rođenja nisam bio velik kao u svojoj tridesetoj godini? Odgovaram: da sam to učinio, svi bi se čudili i bojali me se i slijedili me više iz straha i zbog čudesa koja su vidjeli nego iz ljubavi. I kako bi onda bile ispunjene riječi proroka koje su bile prorekle da trebam kao djetešce biti položen u jasle među životinje, obožavan od kraljeva, prikazan u hramu i progonjen od mojih neprijatelja? Da bih na sebi predočio moje postajanje čovjekom i ispunjenje izjava proroka, postupno sam rastao sa svim udovima, ja koji sam na početku svoga rođenja bio u punini mudrosti velik kao i na kraju.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Dalje na tvoje pitanje zašto sam se dao obrezati? Odgovaram: iako s očeve strane svoje porijeklo ne vučem od Abrahama, s majčine strane sam ipak bio iz Abrahamova sjemena, iako bez grijeha. Budući da sam zakon odredio u božanstvu, htio sam ga ispuniti i u čovještvu da me moji neprijatelji ne bi mogli klevetati i govoriti da sam zapovjedio što sam nisam htio moći ispuniti.“ Odgovor na šesto pitanje: „Zašto sam dalje htio biti kršten? Odgovaram: svatko tko želi graditi ili započeti novi put, mora kao graditelj i početnik drugima prethoditi na putu. Starom je narodu bio dan određeni tjelesni put, naime obrezanje za znak poslušnosti i budućeg čišćenja, koji je u vjernim i zakonu poslušnim ljudima prije nego što je došla obećana istina, naime ja, Sin Božji, pokazivao određeno djelovanje buduće milosti. No kad je došla istina, u vječnosti je bilo zaključeno, budući da je zakon bio samo kao sjena, da stari put, kako je izgubio svoju snagu, mora biti ostavljen. Da bi se sad bila mogla pojaviti istina, a sjena povući i pokazati se lakši put u nebo, ja, Bog i bez grijeha rođen čovjek, iz poniznosti i drugima za uzor htio sam se dati krstiti da bih vjernima otvorio nebo. I za znak toga se kad sam se krstio otvorilo nebo i čuo se Očev glas. Duh Sveti se pojavio u obliku goluba da bi vjerni ljudi mogli znati i vjerovati da je Otac krštenim vjernicima otvorio nebo. Duh Sveti je s krštenikom i snaga mojeg čovještva u elementima, iako je djelovanje i volja Oca, mene i Duha Svetoga samo jedno. Kao što je onda došla istina, to jest kad sam došao na svijet ja koji sam istina, odmah je nestala sjena, ljuska zakona je bila slomljena i pojavila se jezgra; obrezivanje je prestalo i na meni samome je potvrđeno krštenje po kojem je mladima kao i starima otvoreno nebo i sinovi gnjeva postaju sinovi milosti i vječnog života.“ Peta objava kojoj Krist razgovara sa svojom zaručnicom, blaženom Brigitom, i podučava je kako ne treba brinuti za zemaljsko bogatstvo, također je podučava da ima strpljivost u vrijeme nevolja sa vrlinom savršenog poništenja i poniženja. Sin Božji je razgovarao sa zaručnicom i reče: „Marljivo motri na sebe.“ Ova pak odgovori: „Zašto?“ Gospodin joj reče: „Jer svijet na tebe šalje četiri sluge koji te žele prevariti. Prvi je briga za bogatstvo. Kad dođe, odgovori mu: 'Bogatstvo je prolazno. Za njega se mora dati to veći račun što ga se više ima u izobilju; zato se neću brinuti za njega jer ne slijedi svog vlasnika, već ga napušta.' Drugi sluga je gubitak bogatstva i šteta na dodijeljenim dobrima. Njemu odgovori ovako: 'Tko je dao bogatstva, opet ih oduzima; on zna što mi koristi; neka bude volja njegova!' Treći je nevolja svijeta. Njemu reci ovako: 'Blagoslovljen Ti, moj Bože, koji dopuštaš na nad mene dođu nevolje jer kroz nevolje prepoznajem da sam Tvoj, dopuštat da me nevolje sprječavaju u sadašnjem životu da bi me mogao poštedjeti u budućem; dodijeli mi strpljenje i jakost u podnošenju.' Četvrti je prijezir i sramota. Ovome odgovori ovako: 'Samo Bog je dobar i njemu pripada sva čast; a ja, koji sam činio čisto niska i zla djela, zašto i odakle bih trebao sudjelovati u časti, koji sam ipak dostojan svake sramote jer sam cijeli svoj život klevetao? Ili čemu mi čast služi više od sramote osim tome što izaziva oholost i umanjuje poniznost i zaboravlja Boga? Zato sva hvala i čast Bogu.' Zato čvrsto stoj protiv slugu svijeta i voli mene, svoga Boga, od sveg srca.“ Jedanaesto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pokazao redovnik kao gore na svojoj prečki i reče: „O, suče, pitam te, ti si Bog i čovjek; zašto svoje božanstvo nisi učinio vidljivim kao svoje čovještvo? Onda bi svi bili vjerovali u tebe.“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto nisi dao da se sve tvoje riječi čuju u jednom trenutku? Onda ne bi bilo nužno propovijedati iznova i iznova.“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje nisi sva svoja djela učinio u jednom satu?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto je tvoje tijelo raslo postupno u vremenu, a ne u jednom trenutku?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto se na kraju kod približavanja smrti nisi pokazao u moći svojeg božanstva? Ili zašto nisi dao da se tvoja jakost vidi na neprijatelju kad si rekao: 'Dovršeno je.'?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „O, prijatelju, odgovaram tebi i ne tebi. Tebi odgovaram da bi drugima bila poznata zloba tvojih misli; no ne odgovaram tebi jer se ovo ne pokazuje na korist tebi, već pobožnima i za oprez sadašnjim i budućim živućim ljudima jer ti ne razmišljaš o tome da promijeniš svoju tvrdoglavost i zato od svoje smrti nećeš biti predan u moj život jer si u svojem životu mrzio istinski život. No drugi će, kad čuju tvoj život i smrt, prijeći preko i doletjeti u moj život jer kao što je pisano: svetima sve služi za najbolje i Bog ništa ne dopušta bez razloga. Ja ti dakle ne odgovaram kao ljudi koji govore ljudskim ustima budući da raspravljamo o duhovnim stvarima, već zato da bi ono što misliš i želiš drugima bilo izraženo kroz usporedbe. Pitaš dakle zašto svoje božanstvo nisam javno dao vidjeti isto kao i svoje čovještvo? Razlog je što je božanstvo duhovno, a čovještvo tjelesno; božanstvo i čovještvo su isto tako i bili su od početka njihova spajanja nerazdvojni i božanstvo je nestvoreno. I sve što jest u njemu je i u njemu je sve savršenstvo i ljepota. Kad bi se dakle takva ljepota i savršenstvo vidljivo dali vidjeti, tko bi trebao izdržati gledati ih očima od gline? Ili tko može samo i materijalno sunce gledati u njegovoj jasnoći? Ili koga nije zapanjio pogled munje ili prasak groma? Koliko tek onda više kad bi se gospodar munja i stvoritelj svih stvari dao vidjeti u svojoj jasnoći? Zato se moje božanstvo iz dvostrukog razloga nije javno pokazalo. Prvo, zbog ljudske slabosti tijela čiji je sastojak zemlja; jer kad bi tijelo bilo kojeg čovjeka vidjelo božanstvo, rastalilo bi se kao vosak pred vatrom i njegova bi duša klicala u takvoj radosti da bi se tijelo raspalo kao pepeo. Drugo, zbog božanske dobrote i njezine nepromjenjive postojanosti; jer kad bih tjelesnim očima htio pokazati svoje božanstvo koje sjaji neusporedivo svjetlije od vatre i sunca, postupao bih protiv samog sebe koji sam rekao: 'Nijedan me čovjek ne vidi i živi.' Ni sami proroci me nisu gledali kakav sam u biću svoga božanstva jer i oni koji su samo čuli glas moga božanstva i vidjeli dimeće brdo, zaprepastili su se i rekli: 'Neka Mojsije razgovara s nama i slušat ćemo ga.' Zato sam ja, milosrdni Bog, da bi me čovjek mogao bolje upoznati, pokazao u obliku sličnom njemu koji se mogao vidjeti i osjetiti, naime u čovještvu u kojem je i božanstvo, ali kao prekriveno, da se čovjek ne bi prestrašio oblika koji mu nije sličan; budući da onako kako sam Bog nisam tjelesan niti imam tjelesni oblik, u svojem sam čovještvu mogao biti čut i viđen na lakše podnošljiv način.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto dalje sve svoje riječi nisam rekao u jednom satu? Odgovaram: kao što je materijalnom sastavu tijela protivno da u jednom satu uzme toliko hrane kao što bi bilo dovoljno za sićenje četiri godine, tako je bilo i protiv božanskog reda da moje riječi, hrana duše, budu izrečene u jednom satu i kao što se tjelesna hrana postupno uživa da bi se prožvakala i dovela želucu, tako i moje riječi nisu trebale biti rečene u jednom satu, već u vremenskim razmacima prema razumima onih koji su trebali učiti da bi gladujući imali od čega se nasititi, a nasićeni težili višemu.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje sva svoja djela nisam učinio u jednom trenutku? Odgovaram: među onima koji su me gledali u mesu bili su neki koji su mi vjerovali, no drugi nisu vjerovali, zato je onima koji su vjerovali bilo potrebno postupno podučavanje u riječima, ponekad bodrenje primjerima i jačanje djelima; oni pak koji nisu vjerovali trebali su moći pokazati svoju nasilnu zlonamjeru i biti podnošeni u mjeri kako je dopuštala moja božanska pravednost. Da sam sva svoja djela učinio u jednom trenutku, svi bi me bili slijedili više iz straha nego iz ljubavi; kako bi onda mogla biti dovršena tajna ljudskog otkupljenja? Kao što je zato u početku stvaranja svijeta sve učinjeno u određeno vrijeme i način, iako je sve što je trebalo biti stvoreno u predviđanju mojeg božanstva onda istodobno postajalo bez promjene, tako je i u mojem čovještvu sve moralo biti učinjeno na razuman i različit način za spas i podučavanje svih.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto je moje tijelo raslo u jednom broju godina, a ne u jednom trenutku? Na to odgovaram: Duh Sveti, koji je vječno u Ocu i meni, Sinu, pokazao je prorocima što ću ja nakon što dođem u meso činiti i trpjeti. Zato se svidjelo božanstvu da primim takvo tijelo u kojem ću od jutra do večeri i iz godine u godinu moći raditi sve do cilja smrti. Da sad riječi proroka ne bi morale izgledati uzaludno, ja, Sin Božji, primio sam tijelo slično Adamovu sve do grijeha da bih u njemu bio sličan onima koje sam htio otkupiti, da bi po mojoj ljubavi zalutali čovjek bio doveden natrag, umrli mogao biti uskrišen, a prodani opet otkupljeni.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto dalje svima nisam pokazao moć svoga božanstva i da sam pravi Bog kad sam na križu rekao: 'Dovršeno je.'? Odgovaram: sve što je o meni napisano, moralo se ispuniti i zato sam sve to ispunio do zadnje točke. No budući da je mnogo toga objavljeno i o mojem uskrsnuću i uzašašću na nebo, bilo je nužno da to stigne u stvarnost. Da se tad kod moje smrti dala vidjeti moć moga božanstva, tko bi se usudio skinuti me s križa i pokopati? Za mene bi konačno bilo nešto sasvim neznatno sići s križa i oboriti razapinjatelje; no kako bi se onda ispunilo proročanstvo ili gdje bi ostala vrlina moje strpljivosti? Da sam ipak i sišao s križa, bi li onda svi i vjerovali? Ne bi li rekli da sam to učinio čarobnjaštvom? Ako su već bili nevoljni što sam što sam budio mrtve, liječio bolesne, govorili bi još gore da sam sišao s križa. Da bi zarobljeni postao slobodan, ja, slobodan, postao sam zarobljen; i da bi krivi bili otkupljeni, ja, nevin, postojano sam ostao na križu i svojom postojanošću učvrstio sve nepostojano i ojačao sve slabo.“ Šesta objava Krist, Sin Božji, razgovara sa svojom zaručnicom Brigitom, podučava je i kaže kako se u duhovnom životu trudom i stalnom postojanošću i tako što se s poniznošću slijedi savjete starijih, kušnjama hrabrije pruža otpor, postiže mir srca i vječna slava. Navodi Jakovljev primjer koji je služio za Rahelu. Kaže da nekima na početku njihova obraćenja dolaze vrlo jake kušnje u duhovni život. Drugima dolaze u sredini i na kraju i zato se treba bojati i s poniznošću u vrlinama i nastojanju ustrajati sve do kraja. Sin reče: „Pisano je da je Jakov služio za Rahelu i zbog veličine njegove ljubavi mu se činilo malo dana jer je veličina njegove ljubavi olakšavala posao. Kad je Jakov mislio da je postigao što je želio, bio je prevaren. Ipak, nije odustao od svog posla jer ljubav zbog teškoća ne opada sve dok ne postigne što želi. Tako je i u duhovnim stvarima. Mnogi se trude postići nebesko, muževno u molitvi i pobožnom nastojanju. No kad misle da su došli do mira razmatranja, bivaju zapleteni u napasti i nevolje se umnažaju i kao što su se držali za kao savršene, nalaze se potpuno nesavršenima. I to nije čudo. Jer kušnje su te koje čovjeka čuvaju, čiste i usavršavaju. Zato se kod nekih kušnje umnažaju na početku njihova obraćenja duhovnom životu i oni su na kraju to više učvršćeni u savršenstvu. Drugi pak su na sredini kušani najteže ili pred kraj; ovi trebaju brižno obraćati pažnju na sebe i nikad si ne nešto umisliti, već to hrabrije raditi kao što je Laban rekao: 'Običaj je da se prvo uzme najstarija sestra' kao da je htio reći: 'Prvo se vježbaj u poslu i nakon toga ćeš imati željeni mir.' Zato, moja kćeri, ne trebaš se čuditi ako još u starosti napasti porastu; jer kao što je moguće da se živi, tako je moguće i da se bude kušan jer đavao nikad ne spava. Kako su kušnje prigoda za savršenstvo da se čovjek ne bi umislio, pokazat ću ti primjer o dva čovjeka. Jedan je od početka svojeg obraćenja kušan i ustrajao je, napredovao i postigao što je tražio; drugi je u svojoj starosti iskusio teške kušnje koje je u svojoj mladosti malo poznavao i u koje je bio tako zapleten da kao da je zaboravio sve prijašnje. No budući da je čvrsto stajao u svojoj odluci i nije odustajao od posla, iako je bio postao hladan i mlak, postigao je željeni mir srca tako što je na samome sebi prepoznao da su Božje odluke tajne i pravedne i da nije bilo onih kušnji, teško bi bio došao vječnom spasenju.“ Dvanaesto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pojavio redovnik kao gore stojeći na svojoj stepenici i govoreći: „O, suče, pitam te zašto si radije htio biti rođen od djevice nego od žene koja nije djevica?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto nisi predočio vidljivi znak da je ona, iako majka, bila čista djevica?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto si tako jako sakrio svoje rođenje da je bilo poznato vrlo malobrojnima?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto si nakon toga pred Herodom pobjegao u Egipat i zašto si dopustio da nevina dječica budu ubijena?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto si se dalje dao da te kleveću i da istina bude nadvladana od laži?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „O, prijatelju, radije sam htio biti rođen od djevice nego od žene koja nije djevica zato jer meni, najčišćem Bogu, priliči sve najčišće. Jer sve dok je priroda ljudi stajala u redu njihova stvaranja, nije imala izopačenje; no nakon što je povrijeđena zapovijed, pojavio se sram kao što se ljudima događa koji se, ako griješe protiv svojih vremenitih gospodara, srame udova kojima su griješili. Kad je zato sram došao do prekoračenja, odmah se umnožio neuredni nagon i uglavnom na udu koji je bio određen za stvaranje više ploda; ovaj je nagon, da ne bi ostalo prazan u plodu, Božjom dobrotom pretvoren u dobro i postavljanjem Božje zapovijedi je dopušteno djelo tjelesnog miješanja da bi priroda mogla donijeti plod. No budući da je slavnije dići se iznad zapovijedi i iz ljubavi činiti neko dobro koje netko može, svidjelo se Bogu u svojem djelu dati prednost onome što teži prema većoj čistoći i ljubavi, a to je djevičanstvo jer kreposnije i istaknutije je biti u vatri nevolje i ne gorjeti nego biti bez vatre, a ipak htjeti biti okrunjen. No budući da je djevičanstvo vrlo lijepa staza u nebo, a brak kao zemljana cesta, priličilo je meni, najčišćem Bogu, mirovati u najčišćoj djevici; jer kao što je prvi čovjek načinjen od zemlje koja kao da je, dok još nije bila zamrljana krvlju, bila djevica, tako sam i ja, Bog, htio biti primljen u djevičansku posudu i budući da su Adam i Eva sagriješili u zdravlju prirode, tako je po mojoj dobroti sve trebalo biti obnovljeno.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto vidljivim znakom nisam predočio da je moja majka bila djevica i majka? Odgovaram: sve tajne svoga utjelovljenja dao sam prorocima da bi im se moglo vjerovati to čvršće što dulje su prorekli. No da je moja majka prije i nakon mog rođenja bila djevica, za to je bilo dovoljno Josipovo svjedočenje koji je bio čuvar i svjedok njezina djevičanstva. No da je njezina krepost bila vidljivo predočena, zloba nevjernika ipak ne bi nikako prestala s klevetanjem Boga budući da čak ne vjeruju da je jedna djevica začela po moći božanstva tako što se ne obaziru da je meni, Bogu, to lakše nego suncu prodrijeti kroz staklo. I pravednost moga božanstva je zahtijevala da tajna božanskog utjelovljenja, koja je trebala biti otkrivena u vrijeme milosti, ostane skrivena đavlu i ljudima. No sad kažem da je moja majka istinski majka i djevica tako da, kao što je kod stvaranja Adama i Eve čudesna bila moć božanstva i s njihovim je zajedničkim životom bilo povezano časno radovanje, ulazak mojeg božanstva u djevičinu utrobu otkrio je čudesnu dobrotu jer je moje neobuhvatljivo božanstvo sišlo u zatvorenu posudu bez da ju je ozlijedilo. Bilo mi je prijatno stanovati unutra kad sam ja, Bog, posvuda prisutan sa svojim božanstvom, svojim čovještvom tamo bio zatvoren; onda se otkrila i moja izvrsna moć kad sam ja, bestjelesni Bog, izašao iz maternice djevice koja je ostala netaknuta. No budući da čovjek teško vjeruje i da je moja majka prijateljica sve poniznosti, svidjelo mi se na neko vrijeme sakriti njezinu ljepotu i savršenstvo da bi majka imala vlastitu zaslugu i bila to savršenije okrunjena i da bi ja, Bog, mogao biti više čašćen u vremenu u kojem sam htio dovršiti obećanje dobrima na zaslugu, zlima na vraćanje.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto ljudima nisam htio pokazati svoje rođenje? Odgovaram: iako je đavao izgubio uzdignuće svojeg prvobitnog dostojanstva, ipak nije izgubio znanje koje ima za kušanje pobožnih i vlastitu sramotu. Da bi moje čovještvo moglo izrasti i doći do određene starosti, morao sam tajnu svoga milosrđa đavlu ostaviti skrivenu; jer htio sam doći u skrivenosti da bih nadvladao đavla i odlučio sam biti prezren da bih slomio uobraženost ljudi. Učitelji zakona su sami prezirali onoga o kojem su čitali u knjigama jer je došao ponizan. Budući da su bili oholi, nisu htjeli čuti istinsku pravednost koja proizlazi iz mojeg otkupljenja zbog čega će biti na sramotu kad sin propasti dođe u svojoj oholosti. No da sam bio došao u punoj moći i časti, kako bi onda oholi bio ponižen? Ili treba li oholi sad doći u nebo? Nikako. Došao sam u poniznosti da bi čovjek mogao naučiti poniznost i sakrio sam se od oholih jer nisu htjeli razumjeti niti moju božansku pravednost, niti same sebe.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto sam dalje pobjegao u Egipat? Odgovaram: prije prekoračenja zapovijedi prema nebu je bio samo jedan jedini široki i jedan u božanskoj mudrosti i poslušnosti dobre volje jasan put. Ali nakon što se volja izokrenula, započela su dva puta, jedan je vodio prema nebu, drugi je vodio od neba; nebu poslušnost, neposluh od njega. Budući da je sad u čovjekovoj slobodnoj volji ležao izbor dobra i zla, pokoravati se i ne se pokoravati, griješio je jer je njegova volja bila drukčija nego što je trebala biti prema Božjoj volji. Da bi čovjek bio spašen, bilo je dostojno i pravo da dođe netko koji bi ga otkupio, koji je također imao savršenu poslušnost i nevinost i na kojem su jedni, kako su htjeli, mogli pokazati svoju ljubav, drugi svoju zlobu. No nije smio biti poslan anđeo da spasi ljude jer ja, Bog, nikome ne prepuštam svoju slavu, a također nije nađen nijedan čovjek koji bi me mogao ublažiti za sebe, a još manje za druge. Zato sam ja, Bog, sam pravedan došao da bih sve opravdao. To što sam pobjegao u Egipat, u tome se iskazala slabost moga čovještva i ispunilo se proročanstvo. Time sam također dao primjer svojim budućim prijateljima; jer ponekad se radi veće Božje slave progonu mora ići s puta. To što me moji progonitelji nisu našli, u tome je odluka mojeg božanstva bila jača od ljudske jer nije se lako boriti protiv Boga; ubojstvo dječice pak je bilo predznak moje buduće patnje i značajna tajna onih koji su trebali biti pozvani kao i božanske ljubavi; jer iako mi dječica ustima nisu dala svjedočanstvo, ipak su ga položila svojom smrću kao što je to odgovaralo mojem vlastitom djetinjstvu. Također je bilo predviđeno da po nevinoj krvi bude dovršena Božja hvala; jer iako ih je zloba nepravednih nepravedno ubila, moje uvijek pravedno i dobro božansko dopuštenje ih je na pravedan način predalo da bi otkrilo zlobu ljudi i objavilo nedokučivu odluku mojeg božanstva i moju ljubav. Budući da je zato na djeci bjesnila nepravda, s pravom je u njihovo obilje stupila zasluga i milost. I gdje je nedostajalo ispovijesti jezika i starosti, tu je prolivena krv bogato učinila punim najsavršenije dobro.“Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto dalje dajem da me kleveću? Odgovaram: pisano je da kad je kralj David bježao od progona svoga sina, jedan ga je proklinjao. Kad su ga njegovi sluge htjeli ubiti, David im je zabranio iz dvostrukog razloga. Prvo, jer je imao nadu u povratak, drugo, zato što je u razmatranje uzeto svoje vlastite slabosti i grijehe kao i budalaštvo proklinjatelja i Božju strpljivost prema njemu. U Davidu imam primjer; jer čovjek me progoni, kao onaj sluga svog gospodara, svojim zlim djelima i izbacuje me iz mojeg kraljevstva, to jest iz duše koju sam stvorio i koja je moje kraljevstvo. Na kraju me grdi kao nepravednog suca i kleveće me jer sam strpljiv. Samo zato što sam blag, podnosim njegovo budalaštvo i budući da sam sudac, čekam na njegovo obraćenje sve do zadnjeg trenutka i budući da čovjek više vjeruje laži nego istini i više voli svijet nego mene, svoga Boga, nije se za čuditi ako se zloga podnosi u njegovoj zlobi budući da ne niti ne traži istinu ili doći k prisebnosti od svojeg zla.“ Sedma objava Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i hvali čestu ispovijed da čovjek ne bi izgubio božansku milost koju ima. Sin reče: „Ako je u kući vatra, mora postojati otvor kroz koji se dim proteže van da bi se stanovnik mogao radovati toplini. Tako je svakome, tko želi imati moj duh i moju božansku milost, nužno stalno ispovijedanje da bi se pomoću njega dim grijeha odvukao; jer iako je moj duh nepromjenjiv, vrlo se brzo povlači iz srca koje nije čuvano poniznom ispovijedi.“ Osma objava Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i kaže da je molitva ljudi, koji radost nalaze u tjelesnim uživanjima i zemaljskim radovanjima dok zanemaruju nebesku želju, ljubav i uspomenu njegove patnje i vječnog suda, kao buka sudarajućeg kamenja i da će pred Božjim licem biti odbačeni na grozan način kao neblagovremeni plod i kao prljava menstrualna krpa. „Jedan je pjevao: 'Izbavi me, Gospodine, od nepravedna čovjeka.' Taj glas je u mojim ušima kao buka dvaju kamena koji se sudaraju jer njegovo srce kao da me zove s tri glasa. Prvo govori: 'Želim svoju volju imati u svojoj ruci, želim spavati, ustajati i govoriti kako mi se sviđa; dat ću prirodi za čim čezne, želim si novac u torbi i meku odjeću na tijelu. Kad budem imao to i drugo, smatrat ću se sretnim kao kad bih imao sve druge darove i duhovne vrline duše.' Njegov drugi glas zvuči ovako: 'Smrt je vrlo oštra, ali sud nije tako težak kao što je pisano; kad se prijeti, to je zato da bi se zadržalo od grijeha, ali kazna je manja zbog milosrđa; imam li zato samo svoju volju u sadašnjem vremenu, neka u budućnosti duša ide kako može.' Treći glas je ovaj: 'Bog ne bi otkupio čovjeka da mu nije htio dati nebo; ne bi ni podnio svoju muku da nas nije htio opet dovesti u domovinu. Ili zašto je patio, ili tko ga je primoravao da pati? Nebesko poznajem samo po onome što sam čuo i ne znam trebali vjerovati pismu; no kad bih mogao imati svoju volju, to bi mi bilo isto kao i nebesko kraljevstvo.' Gledaj, takva je njegova volja. Zato je njegov glas u mojim ušima kao oštra buka kamenja. Ali, o, moj prijatelju, odgovaram ti na prvi glas: tvoj put nije usmjeren prema nebu i patnja moje ljubavi nije po tvojem ukusu; zato ti je otvoren pakao i budući da voliš ono što je najniže i zemaljsko, idi najnižem. Na drugi glas ti odgovaram: sine moj, smrt će ti biti oštra, sud nepodnošljiv, a bijeg nemoguć ako se ne popraviš. Na treći glas ti odgovaram: brate, sva sam svoja djela učinio iz ljubavi da bi mi mogao postati sličan i nakon što si se odvratio od mene, vratiti mi se. No sad su moja djela na tebi mrtva, moje riječi tegobne, a moj se put zanemaruje; zato ti preostaje kazna i društvo đavola budući da mi okrećeš leđa, gaziš znakove moje poniznosti pod svojim nogama i ne obazireš se kako sam na križu stajao pred tobom i za tebe. Na trostruki sam način stajao za tebe: prvo, kao čovjek kojem je nož probio oko, drugo, kao čovjek čije je srce probio mač, treće, kao čovjek čiji se udovi cjelokupno tresu pred predstojećom nevoljom; jer moja patnja je za mene bila gorkija od uboda u oko, ali ipak sam je podnio iz ljubavi; k tome je moje srce više dotaknula bol moje majke nego moja vlastita, no ipak sam je izdržao. Sva moja unutrašnjost i vanjština je drhtala pred predstojećom patnjom i bolima, no ipak nisam odustao i otišao. Tako sam dakle stajao pred tobom, ali ti zaboravljaš, zanemaruješ i prezireš sve, zato ćeš biti odbačen kao pobačaj i kao menstrualna krpa.“ Trinaesto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se na svojoj stepenici pojavio redovnik kao prije i reče: „O, suče, pitam te zašto je nekima tvoja milost tako brzo oduzeta i zašto se nasuprot tome drugi tako dugo podnosi u njihovoj zlobi?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto je nekima u njihovoj mladosti dana milost, a drugima oduzeta u starosti?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto neke preko mjere opsjedaju nevolje, a drugi su skoro slobodni od nevolja?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto je jednome dan razum i neusporedivo učen duh? I zašto su drugi kao magarac bez razuma?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto neki vrlo jako otvrdnu, a drugi su usrećeni čudesnom utjehom?“ Šesto pitanje: „Zašto je dalje u svijetu zlima dana veća sreća nego dobrima?“ Sedmo pitanje: „Zašto je na kraju jedan pozvan na početku, a drugi na kraju?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, sva moja djela su od početka u mojem predviđenju i sve što je napravljeno, stvoreno je ljudima za utjehu. No budući da je čovjek dao prednost vlastitoj volji pred mojom, dobra koja su mu besplatno dana su mu s pravom oduzeta da bi čovjek znao kako je kod Boga sve razumno i pravedno i zato što mnogi nezahvalni prema mojoj milosti i postaju to bezbožniji što njihovi darovi postaju obilniji; zato će im darovi vrlo uskoro biti opet oduzeti da bi se odluka moga božanstva to prije otkrila i da čovjek moju milost ne bi zloporabio na veću osudu. Zašto se dalje neke dugo podnosi u njihovoj zlobi? Razlog je taj što su među mnogim njihovim zlim djelima i neka dobra podnošljiva i što služe drugima na zaštitu i čuvanje od grijeha. Tako je pred licem ljudi izgledalo da je Šaul, kad ga je Samuel optuživao, griješio manje, a David više; ipak se Šaul kad se trebao osvjedočiti bio neposlušan, povukao od mene, svoga Boga, i ispitivao je čarobnicu, no David je u kušnji bio vjerniji, strpljivo je izdržao što mu je bilo izvrgnuto i uvjerio se da mu je se to dogodilo zbog njegovih grijeha. U tome što sam strpljivo podnosio Šaula iskazuje se Šaulova nezahvalnost i strpljivost moga božanstva; a u izboru Davida se otkrilo moje predznanje i buduća Davidova poniznost kao i njegovo bolno kajanje.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto je dalje nekima u njihovoj starosti oduzeta milost? Odgovaram: do kraja je svima dana milost da bi davatelj milosti bio voljen od svih. Budući da su pred kraj mnogi nezahvalni prema mojoj božanskoj milosti kao Salomon, pravedno je da na kraju bude oduzeto što se prije kraja nije brižno čuvalo; jer moji darovi i božanska milost su ponekad oduzeti zbog primateljeve nemarnosti jer se na obazire na to što je primio i što treba uzvratiti; drugi put na upozorenje drugima da bi se svaki koji stoji u milosti uvijek bojao i pred padom drugih stajao u strahu jer i mudri padaju iz nemarnosti, a i sami oni koji su izgledali kao moji prijatelji, podlegli su kroz nezahvalnost.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje neki imaju veće nevolje? Odgovaram: ja sam stvoritelj svih stvari; zato nijedna nevolja ne dolazi bez mojeg dopuštenja kao što je pisano: Ja sam Bog koji stvara zlo, to jest dopušta nevolju. Tako se i poganima bez mene i bez razumnog razloga ne događa nikakva nevolja i moji proroci su prorekli mnogo od nevolja pogana da bi nemarni i oni koji zloporabe razum bili podučeni, a ja, Bog, koji sve dopuštam postao poznat i bio čašćen od svih naroda. Ako sad ja, Bog, pogane ne pošteđujem bičevima, tako ću još manje štedjeti one koji su bogatije kušali od slatkoće moje božanske milosti. Kad dakle ljude zadese nevolje, jednog veća, drugog manja, to se događa zato da bi se odvratili od grijeha i da bi prema sadašnjoj nevolji ubuduće mogli biti utješeni; jer svi kojima se sudi i koji si sami sude u ovom svijetu, neće doći na budući sud, prijeći će, kao što je pisano, iz smrti u život. Ako su onda neki pošteđeno od bičeva, to se događa zato da kad bi bili bičevani ne bi gunđali i propali još težem sudu; jer mnogi su koji ne zaslužuju biti bičevani u sadašnjem životu. Ima i nekih koji u ovom životu nisu opterećeni niti tjelesnom, niti duhovnom mukom i zato su tako sigurni kao da nema Boga ili da ih Bog zbog njihovih djela pravednosti štedi; ovi trebaju biti u većem i jačem strahu i nositi patnju da ja, Bog, ako ih u sadašnjem životu štedim, ne dođem nepredviđeno i osudim ih vrlo oštro. Poneki, iako se raduju u zdravlju tijela, pate na duši zbog preziranja Boga; drugi se ne raduju niti zbog tjelesnog zdravlja, niti zbog unutarnje utjehe duše, ali ostaju prema svojim mogućnostima u mojoj službi i mojoj časti, drugi su i od majčine utrobe sve do kraja mučeni bolestima. Sve njihove nevolje ja, njihov Bog, odmjeravam tako da se ništa ne događa bez razloga i plaće jer se mnoge oči koje su prije kušnji spavale otvaraju u nevolji.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto dalje neki imaju veći razum? Odgovaram: duši za spas ne koristi ma koliko veliku mudrost imala, već da svijetli dobrim ponašanjem; da, korisnije je imati manje znanje i bolji život. Zato je svakome dodijeljen razum kojim, ako je pobožno živio, može postići nebo. Ipak, razum je u mnogome različit prema svojem prirodnom i duhovnom rasporedu; jer kao što čovjek svetom revnošću za vrline raste u usavršavanju vrlina, tako čovjek propada kroz zlu volju, neurednu upotrebu prirodnih svojstava i zlim odgojem na ispraznosti i priroda vrlo često trpi štetu kad joj se protivi i griješi. Dakle nije bez razloga ako je kod nekih razum tako velik, no ipak je beskoristan kao kod onih koji imaju znanje, ali nemaju dobar život. Kod nekih se nalazi manje znanje, ali bolje korištenje, kod drugih se razum i život podudaraju, a nasuprot tome kod drugih niti razum niti život ne odgovaraju jedan drugome. Ta različitost ponekad dolazi iz od mene uređenog božanskog dopuštenja ili za korist ljudima ili za njihovo poniženje i podučavanje, ponekad i zbog nezahvalnosti i kao kušnja, drugi put iz prigode prirodne slabosti i skrivenog griješenja; ponekad postoji da bi izbjegla priliku za veće griješenje ili jer priroda nije bolje sposobna da shvati što je veće. Zato se svaki koji ima milost razuma treba bojati da će, postane li nemaran, zbog toga biti teže suđen; onaj pak koji nema razum ni duh treba se radovati i s onim malim što ima djelovati koliko može jer je oslobođen mnogih prigoda grijeha; jer i apostol Petar je u svojoj mladosti bio zaboravljiv, Ivan pak neuk, a ipak su u starosti zahvatili istinsku mudrost jer su tražili početak mudrosti. Salomon je u mladosti lako shvaćao, a Aristotel oštrouman; no ipak nisu dohvatili početak mudrosti jer niti su častili davatelja znanja, niti su ispunjavali što su znali i podučavali i nisu učili za sebe, već za druge. Da, i Bileam je imao znanje, ali ga nije ispunjavao; zato je magarica kaznila njegovu budalaštinu. Danijel pak je u svojoj mladosti sudio starcima; jer mnogo znanja mi se ne sviđa bez dobrog načina života. Zato je nužno da se oni koji zloporabe razum poprave; jer ja, Bog i gospodar svih stvari svih stvari, ljudima dajem znanje i kažnjavam mudre i nemudre.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto dalje neki otvrdnu? Odgovaram: to što je faraon bio otvrdnuo je njegova, ne moja krivnja, pomoću koje je se nije htio složiti s mojom božanskom voljom; jer otvrdnuće nije ništa drugo doli oduzimanje moje božanske milosti koja se povlači zato što mi čovjek ne da ono što slobodno ima, naime svoju vlastitu volju kao što ćeš moći razumjeti pomoću primjera. Obazri se na primjer plodne i neplodne njive. Bio je čovjek koji je posjedovao dvije njive od kojih je jedna ostala neobrađena, a druga je u određena vremena donosila plod. Jedan prijatelj mu reče: 'Čudim se, budući da si mudar i bogat, zašto svoje njive ne obrađuješ marljivije ili ne prepustiš drugima na obradu.' Drugi odgovori: 'Jedna njiva koliko god veliki trud primijenim ne daje ništa osim korova za hranu štetnim životinjama koje opustošuju mjesto. Kad bih na to nanio debeli gnoj da počne rasti, bila bi malobrojna na žitu, a donijela bi još više korova koji prezirem skupljati jer želim imati samo čisto žito. Zato je za savjetovati tu njivu pustiti neobrađenu jer se onda životinje ne dokopavaju mjesta i ne skrivaju se u korovu. A ako i iznikne poneka gorka trava, korisno je za ovce; jer kad je kušaju, uče ne prezirati slatku. Druga pak je njiva raspoređena prema svojstvima vremena. Jedan njezin dio je kamenit i potreban mu je debeo gnoj, jedan je vlažan i potrebna mu je toplina, jedan drugi suh i potrebna mu je vlaga. Zato ću svoj posao urediti prema svojstvima njive.' Ja, Bog, sličan sam onom čovjeku. Prva njiva je čovjeku dano slobodno kretanje njegove volje koji pokreće više protiv nego za mene i kad učini nešto što mi se sviđa, ipak me rasrdi u više toga jer se čovjekova i moja volja ne slažu. Tako je činio i faraon koji, kad je iz određenih znakova prepoznao moju moć, nije ništa manje otvrdnuo svoje srce protiv mene da bi ostao u svojoj zlobi; zato je iskusio moju pravednost jer tko ne iskoristi dobro ono što je najmanje, s pravom se ne smije hvaliti onim što je veće. Druga njiva je poslušnost pobožnog srca i nadvladavanje vlastite volje. Ako je takvo srce suho u molitvi, treba čekati na kišu moje božanske milosti, ako je kamenito kroz nestrpljivost i otvrdnuće, treba ravnodušno podnositi čišćenje i kaznu, ako je vlažno u razuzdanosti mesa, treba nastojati samo napraviti prekid i biti kao životinja koja je spremna na volju svoga vlasnika jer po takvom srcu sam ja, Bog, veoma slavljen. Ako neki otvrdnu, to čini meni suprotstavljena čovjekova volja jer iako želim da svi postanu blaženi, to ipak ne uspijeva ukoliko čovjek nije osobno surađivao tako što cijelu svoju volju istovrsnu mojoj. A ako svima nisu dani isti napredak i milost, to je skrivena odluka mene koji znam i dodjeljujem svakome što mu koristi i pripada, također namećem čovjekovoj težnji ograničenje da ne bi pao dublje; jer mnogi imaju polog milosti i bili bi u stanju dobro djelovati, ali odbijaju, drugi se suzdržavaju od grijeha iz straha od kazne i jer im nedostaje mogućnost za griješiti ili jer im grijeh ne čini užitak, zato ponekima nisu dani veliki darovi jer ja, koji sam poznajem srca ljudi, razumijem kako podijeliti svoje milosti.“ Odgovor na šesto pitanje: „Zašto dalje zli ponekad imaju više sreće u svijetu od dobrih? Odgovaram: to je znak mojeg velikog strpljenja i ljubavi i osvjedočenje pravednih; jer kad bih svojim prijateljima dao vremenita dobra, zli bi očajavali, a dobri bi postali oholi; vremenita dobra su ipak svima dana da bi ja, Bog, davatelj i stvoritelj svih stvari, mogao od svih biti voljen i da ako se dobri naginju oholosti, po zlima budu podučeni pravednosti; jer svi trebaju prepoznati da se vremenito ne treba voljeti niti dati prednost preda mnom, svojim Bogom, već imati samo za nužno uzdržavanje; također trebaju mi to žarkije služiti što manje u vremenitom nalaze nešto postojano.“ Odgovor na sedmo pitanje: „Zašto je dalje jedan pozvan na početku, a drugi na kraju? Odgovaram: ja sam kao majka koja ako na djeci vidi nadu u život, jednima daje jače, drugima blaže. No nad onima koji joj ne daju tu nadu se sažalijeva i čini što može. Ima djece kojoj je od lijeka gore – i čemu tu koristi posao? Tako činim ljudima čija je volja unaprijed prepoznata kao žarkija, poniznost i postojanost kao stalnija, takvima milost prilazi na početku i prati ih na kraju; no drugi, koji se dok čini zlo trudi i nastoji postati bolji, on zaslužuje biti pozvan oko kraja. A tko je nezahvalan, nije vrijedan da ga se pusti majčinim prsima.“ Deveta objava Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i pokazuje joj kako je već oduzeta kući svijeta i poroka i kako je sad vođena nastaniti se u kući Duha Svetoga; zato je opominje da se dovede u suglasnost s tim Duhom i uvijek ostane čista, ponizna i pobožna. Sin reče zaručnici: „Ti si ona koja je, odgojena u siromašnoj kući, došla u društvo istaknutih ljudi. U siromašnoj kući nalaze se nepravilnosti: prljavi zidovi, tegoban dim i čađa koja posvuda prijanja. Ali ti si odvedena u kuću gdje vlada ljepota bez mrlje, gdje je toplina bez dima, ljupkost bez neraspoloženja. Siromašna kuća je svijet, njegovi zidovi su oholost, zaboravljanje Boga, obilje grijeha i neobaziranje na buduće. Ti zidovi su puni prljavštine; jer poništavaju dobra djela i skrivaju čovjeku Božje lice. Dim je ljubav svijeta; ona šteti očima jer zamračuje razum duše i čini da si stvara suvišne brige. Čađa je razvrat; jer ako na jedno vrijeme i raduje, nikad ne siti i ne ispunja vječnom dobrotom. Od nje si sad odvedena i dovedena u stan Duha Svetoga koji je u meni kao što sam ja u njemu, koji i tebe zatvara u sebi; jer on je potpuno čist i vrlo lijep i od vrlo je velike postojanosti jer sve uzdržava. Zato se oblikuj prema stanovniku kuće i ostani čista, ponizna i pobožna.“ Četrnaesto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pokazao redovnik kao prije na svojoj prečki i reče: „O, suče, pitam te: zašto životinje trpe takve nevolje ako neće imati život vječni niti imaju korištenje razuma?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto su dalje svi rođeni u bolima kad u svakom rođenju nema grijeha?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto dijete nosi očeve grijehe kad još ne zna griješiti?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto se dalje najčešće događa ono što se ne predvidi?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto na kraju onaj tko je loš umire dobrom smrću kao pravedan, a pravednik ponekad zlom smrću kao nepravedan?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, iako se tvoja pitanja ne događaju iz ljubavi, odgovaram ti radi drugih. Pitaš zašto životinje moraju izdržavati bolesti? To je slučaj zato je na njima, kao i na drugim stvarima, sve neuređeno; jer ja sam stvoritelj svih bića i svakom pojedinom sam dao njegovu prirodnu osobinu i onaj red u kojem se svako treba kretati i živjeti. Nakon što se čovjek, radi kojeg je sve stvoreno, suprotstavio svojem prijatelju, to jest meni, svojem Bogu, sve preostalo je također počelo stupati u nered i sve što mu je trebalo iskazivati strahopoštovanje, počelo mu se suprotstavljati i sukobljavati se tako da ljudi i životinje imaju mnogo zajedničkih teškoća i protivnosti. Osim toga životinje ponekad pate zbog neumjerenosti njihove prirode, ponekad prigodom kroćenja njihove divljine i čišćenja same njihove prirode, ponekad zbog grijeha ljudi tako da, kad su mučene i čovjeku se oduzme ono što voli, čovjek sam postane pažljiv koje je kazne dostojan on koji se raduje većim razumom; jer kad grijesi ljudi ne bi zahtijevali, životinje koje su u rukama čovjeka ne bi bile tako naročito mučene; no ni one ne pate bez da ne učine moju veliku pravednost očiglednom jer ili će im se ubrzati kraj njihova života, ili smanjiti tegoba i pojesti jakost prirode, ili je posljedica promjene vremena, ili nemarnosti ljudi koja potječe od truda za njih. Zato se čovjek prije svih treba bojati mene, svoga Boga, i biti to blaži prema mojim stvorenjima i prema životinjama kojima se i radi mene, svoga stvoritelja, treba smilovati; jer zato sam ja, Bog, dao čovjeku zapovijed zbog sabata jer se brinem o svim svojim stvorenjima.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto su dalje sva stvorenja rođena u bolima? Odgovaram: nakon što je čovjek prezreo najljepšu radost, odmah je stupio u tegoban život i budući da je u ljudima i kroz ljude počeo nered, moja pravednost je zahtijevala da i druga stvorenja koja su ovdje radi čovjeka kušaju poneku gorčinu u prirodnom svojstvu svoga nagona i u brizi za hranu. Zato je čovjek rođen u boli i napreduje u tegobnosti da bi se potrudio požuriti istinskom miru; umire gol i siromašan da bi ukrotio svoje neuredne osjećaje i u sebi probudio strah od budućim sudom. Životinje se rađaju u boli zato da bi gorčina obuzdala njihovu divljinu i da bi one same bile sudionici ljudskih boli. Što je zato čovjek više plemenitiji od životinje, to vatrenije treba voljeti mene, svoga Boga.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje djeca nose očeve grijehe? Odgovaram: sve što dolazi iz nečista sjemena, kako to može biti čisto? Kad je zato prvi čovjek izgubio onu ljepotu i nevinost zbog neposluha, bio je izbačen iz raja i potonuo je u kaljužu. Nije se našao nitko tko bi bio sam od sebe bio dovoljan da opet zaradi tu nevinost; zato sam ja, milosrdni Bog, došao u tijelu, ustanovio sam krštenje kojim se dijete oslobađa sve nečistoće grijeha i zato sin neće nositi očeve grijehe, već će svaki umrijeti zbog svojih grijeha. Ipak se često događa da djeca oponašaju grijehe roditelja i zato su ponekad grijesi roditelja kažnjavani na djeci, ne kao da grijesi roditelja na njima samima trebaju ostati nekažnjeni, čak ako su te kazne na jedno vrijeme odgođene, naprotiv, svaki će umrijeti i biti kažnjen u svojem grijehu. Ponekad se grijesi očeva, kao što je pisano, kažnjavaju do četvrtog koljena jer moja božanska pravednost zahtijeva da djeca, ako nisu usrdna ublažiti moj gnjev niti zbog sebe, niti zbog svojih roditelja, budu kažnjena zajedno s roditeljima koje su slijedili protiv mene.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto se dalje najčešće događa ono što se ne predvidi? Odgovaram: Pisano je da se čovjek kažnjava onime čime griješi. Tko će moći shvatiti Božju odluku? Budući da me mnogi traže, no ipak ne da bi postali mudriji, već poradi svijeta, drugi se boje više nego što je ispravno, a drugi su previše drski, drugi opet oholi u svojim odlukama, ja, Bog, koji činim spasenje svih, dopuštam da se ponekad dogodi čega se čovjek najviše boji, ponekad mu se oduzme i ono što je voljeno više nego što je ispravno, ponekad mu je oteto ono što se previše čuva i želi da bi čovjek uvijek ispred svega bojao mene, volio i upoznao mene, svoga Boga.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto dalje zao čovjek umire dobrom smrću kao pravednik? Odgovaram: zli ponekad imaju nešto dobro i vrše neka djela pravednosti za što u sadašnjem životu moraju biti nagrađeni. Na sličan način i pravedni ponekad čine nešto zlo za što u ovom vremenu moraju biti kažnjeni ili očekivani. Budući da je tako u sadašnjem vremenu sve neizvjesno i uvjetovano budućnošću i budući da svi imaju isti ulaz, tako svi moraju imati i isti izlaz jer ne čini izlaz čovjeka blaženim, već život. To što je zlome ipak dan izlaz kao pravednome, događa se pomoću moje božanske pravednosti jer su sami tražili takav izlaz; jer đavao, koji predviđa izlaz svojih prijatelja, ponekad im najavljuje, na njihovu oholost, isprazno častohleplje i njihovu prevaru vrijeme njihove smrti kao što se može naći u knjigama koje se zovu apokrifi da bi nakon smrti mogli biti hvaljeni kao pravednici. Nasuprot tome pravednima se ponekad događa bijedan izlaz na njihovu veću zaslugu da bi oni, koji su u svojem životu stalno bili žarki u vrlinama, kroz svoju prijezirnu smrt mogli slobodno letjeti prema nebu tako da ne bi bilo za naći ni najmanje mrlje kojoj bi bilo potrebno čišćenje; jer pisano je da je lav ubio neposlušnog proroka, ali nije jeo od trupla, već ga je čuvao; što je time što je lav ubio tijelo drugo pokazano, doli moje božansko dopuštenje da prorokov neposluh bude kažnjen? To što lav nije jeo od prorokova trupla je bilo ukazivanje na prorokova dobra djela da bi se, očišćen u sadašnjosti, u budućnosti našao pravednim. Zato se svatko treba bojati suditi o mojim odlukama; jer kao što sam bezgraničan, tako sam strašan u svojim odlukama i sudovima i poneki, koji su me htjeli shvatiti u svojoj mudrosti, prevareni su u svojoj nadi.“ Deseta objava Krist razgovara sa zaručnicom i opominje je da se ne uznemiruje ako njegove božanske riječi koje su joj kazane u objavama ponekad budu nađene mračne, ponekad sumnjive, a ponekad nesigurne jer se to događa iz određenih ovdje navedenih razloga i pomoću skrivene božanske pravednosti. Ipak savjetuje da se uvijek sa strpljenjem, strahom i postojanošću poniznosti čeka na ishod na ishode i obećanja njegovih riječi da zbog nezahvalnosti obećana milost ne bi bila oduzeta natrag. Također kaže da su na tjelesni način izrečene mnoge riječi koje neće biti izvedene na tjelesno, već duhovno. Sin reče zaručnici: „Ne uznemiruj se ako jednu riječ kažem mračnije, drugu pak jasnije, ili ako nekoga sad imenujem svojim slugom, sinom ili prijateljem, a onda se nađe suprotno jer moje se riječi mogu tumačiti na različite načine. Tako sam ti o jednome rekao da će njegova ruka biti njegova smrt, a o drugome da neće stupiti dalje mom stolu. To je rečeno zato jer ću ti ili reći zašto sam tako govorio, ili ćeš u djelu na kraju vidjeti istinu kao što je očito na ovima dvama. Ponekad nešto kažem i na mračan način da bi se bojala i radovala. Trebaš se bojati da se zbog mojeg božanskog strpljenja, budući da poznajem promjenjivost srdaca, ne dogodi na drugačiji način; trebaš se radovati što se moja volja uvijek ispuni. Tako sam i u starom zakonu rekao mnogo što se mora razumjeti više na duhovni nego na tjelesni način, tako na primjer o Hramu, o Davidu, o Jeruzalemu, da bi tjelesni ljudi mogli naučiti željeti ono što je duhovno; jer za očuvanje postojanosti vjere i brižnosti mojih prijatelja mnogo sam rekao i obećao da bi prema različitim djelovanjima moga Duha dobri i zli mogli shvatiti na različite načine i da bi u različitim stanjima pojedini mogli imati nešto po čemu bi ih ja mogao podučavati, vježbati i ispitati. Ako je ponešto i rečeno mračno, to je bilo pomoću moga božanstva da bi moja odluka bila sakrivena i svatko mogao strpljivo čekati moju milost tako da kad bi moja odluka uvijek bila najavljena u određeno vrijeme, ne bi svi mogli postati ravnodušni u čekanju. Obećao sam i mnogo toga što je zbog nezahvalnosti ljudi povučeno. Na tjelesni način je rečeno i mnogo toga što će biti ispunjeno na duhovni način, kao o Jeruzalemu, o Sionu, jer Židovi su, kao što je pisano, slijep i gluh Gospodinov narod.“ Petnaesto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pokazao redovnik kao gore na stojeći svojoj prečki i reče: „O, suče, pitam te: zašto se dogodilo toliko mnogo toga što nije od nikakve koristi?“ Drugo pitanje: „Zašto se duše općenito ne vide kad su u tijelu ili izlaze iz njega?“ Treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje tvoji prijatelji nisu uvijek uslišani kad mole?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Zašto mnogima koji žele činiti zlo to nije dopušteno?“ Peto pitanje: „Zašto se ponekima koji to ne zaslužuju događa zlo?“ Šesto pitanje: „Zašto dalje griješe oni koji imaju Duha Božjega?“ Sedmo pitanje: „Zašto se na kraju ponekima đavao stalno prijanja uz neke i uvijek je s njima, a kod drugih nikad?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Kao što su moja djela mnoga, tako su i čudesna i neshvatljiva i iako ih je mnogo, nijedno nije bez razloga; jer čovjek je sličan dječaku koji je odgajan u zatvoru i u tami. Kad bi mu se reklo što su svjetlo i zvijezde, on ne bi vjerovao jer ne vidi. Na sličan način čovjeku se, nakon što napustio istinsko svjetlo, sviđa samo u tami prema općoj poslovici: 'Tko se navikne na zlo, zlo mu se čini dobrim.' Iako sam u ljudskom razumu zamračen, u meni ipak nema zamračenja niti promjene budući da sam sve uredio utvrđeno, uvaženo i mudro tako da ništa nije napravljeno bez razloga i koristi, niti najviše brdo, niti pustinja i more, a niti divlje zvijer i otrovni reptili, već sam kako za korist ljudima, tako zbrinuo sve i za korist svih stvorenja. Sličan sam čovjeku koji ima određene prostore da se rastegne, druge za čuvanje naprava, druge pak za pitome i divlje životinje, druge za utvrđivanje i tajnu svojih savjeta, druge za uređivanje svoje zemlje, a druge za kažnjavanje ljudi. Tako sam ja, Bog, sve uredio na razuman način: ponešto za korist i radost ljudi, nešto za postojanje divljih životinja i ptica, drugo za vježbanje i zauzdavanje ljudske pohlepe, nešto za sklad elemenata, drugo za divljenje mojim djelima, drugo za kažnjavanje grešnika, za izjednačavanje visine i dubine, drugo iz samo meni poznatog i rezerviranog razloga. Jer gledaj, mala i sićušna pčela zna mnogo toga izvući iz raznih stvari da bi pripremila med kao što i druga mala i velika stvorenja nadmašuju čovjeka u marljivosti, poznavanju bilja i prosuđivanju svoje koristi i mnogo je toga za njih korisno što je čovjeku štetno; kakvo je onda čudo ako je čovjekov razum slab da prepozna i razlikuje moja čuda budući da ga nadmašuju najmanja stvorenja? Gledaj, što je ružnije od žabe i zmije? Što je prezirnije od čička i koprive i sličnoga? Ipak su ove stvari vrlo dobre za one koji znaju razlikovati moja djela. I tako sve što postoji ima neku korist i sve što se pokreće zna kako njegova priroda može postojati i biti ojačana. Budući da su dakle moja djela čudesna i sve me hvali, čovjek treba znati da što je ljepši i što mu je dana veća prednost pred drugim stvorenjima, to se više treba zadužiti obazirati se da me časti. Ako vreva vode ne bi bila obuzdana granicama izgrađenim od bregova, gdje bi onda čovjek imao siguran stan? I kad divlje životinje ne bi imale sklonište, kako bi utekle nezasitnoj ljudskoj pohlepi? Kad bi čovjek imao sve prema svojoj želji, bi li onda tražio nebesko? No ako životinje ne bi morale raditi niti se bojati, postale bi ohole i nemoćne. Zato je većina mojih djela skrivena zato da bih ja, čudesan i neshvatljiv Bog, od ljudi bio prepoznat i čašćen pomoću divljenja mojoj mudrosti kod stvaranja tako mnogih mojih stvorenja.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto se dalje duše ljudi ne vide? Odgovaram: duša je daleko plemenitije prirode od tijela jer je iz snage moga božanstva i besmrtna je, ima zajedništvo s anđelima, divnija je od svih planeta i plemenitija od cijelog svijeta. Budući da je tako duša najplemenitije i vatrene prirode i tijelu daje život i toplinu i budući da je duhovna, ne može nikako biti viđena od tjelesnog bića, već samo tjelesnim ili slikovitim prikazom.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje moji prijatelji nisu uvijek uslišani od mene ako me u svojim molitvama mole? Odgovaram: ja sam kao majka koja kad vidi kako sin moli za nešto protiv svoga spasa, odgađa uslišenje njegove molitve i njegov plač ušutkava određenim negodovanjem, no to negodovanje nije gnjev, već veliko milosrđe. Tako ja, Bog, ne uslišavam svoje prijatelje uvijek jer bolje vidim što im je za spas najkorisnije nego što sami vide. Nisu li Pavao i ostali djelotvorno moliti, a ipak nisu bili uslišani? No zašto? Zato što moji prijatelji među mnogim vrlinama imaju i neke slabosti koje moraju biti pročišćene i zato nisu uslišani da bi mogli biti to ponizniji i to mi plodniji što ih većom ljubavi u kušnjama štitim i čuvam neozlijeđenima. To je dakle znak velike ljubavi ako moji prijatelji u svojim molitvama nisu uvijek uslišani radi svoje veće zasluge i očuvanja njihove postojanosti; jer kao što se đavao ukoliko može trudi zamrljati pravednikov život nekim grijehom ili sramotnom smrću da bi kolebali u svojoj postojanosti, tako ja ne dopuštam bez razloga da pravednik bude iskušan da bi njegova postojanost postala poznata drugima i on sam bio okrunjen na plemenitiji način. I kao što đavao ne zazire kušati svoje jer vidi su veoma spremni griješiti, tako ja s vremena na vrijeme ne štedim svoje odabrane jer vidim da su spremni na sve dobro.“ Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto dalje nekima koji žele nije dopušteno činiti zlo? Odgovaram: ako netko ima dva sina, jednog poslušnog i jednog neposlušnog, otac se protivi neposlušnom koliko može da ne bi prekoračio u zlobu; poslušnoga pak hvali i pokreće ga prema većemu da bi po njegovoj revnosti i neposlušni sin primio poticaj za popravljanje. Tako često i ne dozvoljavam da zli griješe budući da ispod svojeg zla čine i ponešto dobro čime koriste sebi i drugima. Zato pravednost zahtijeva da ne budu odmah predani đavlu, niti da uvijek budu u stanju ispuniti svoju volju.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto se dalje nekima koji ne zaslužuju događa zlo? Odgovaram: svaki koji je dobar je poznat samo meni, Bogu, kao i ono što zaslužuje jer mnogo toga što nije se čini lijepim. I vatra iskušava zlato. Pravednik pak ponekad mora trpjeti nevolje da bi drugima bio primjer, a njemu da bi služilo za krunu. Tako je bio kušan i Job koji je prije moje kušnje bio dobar, ali pod njom i nakon nje je ljudima postao još poznatiji. Tko može prosuditi zašto sam ga kušao ili tko može takvo što znati osim samog mene koji sam ga preduhitrio svojim blagoslovima da ne bi griješio i čvrsto ga držao u kušnjama? I kao što sam ga bez njegove zasluge preduhitrio svojom milošću, tako sam ga iskušavao svojim milosrđem i pravednošću jer nitko pred mojim očima neće biti pravedan osim po mojoj milosti.“ Odgovor na šesto pitanje: „Zašto dalje oni koji imaju moga Duha griješe? Odgovaram: Duh moga božanstva nije vezan, već stanuje gdje želi i ako želi, odstupa; ne stanuje u grijehu podređenoj posudi, već u onoj koja ima ljubav; jer ja, Bog, sam ljubav i gdje sam ja, tu je sloboda. Tko dakle primi moga Duha, može griješiti ako želi jer svaki čovjek ima slobodnu volju. No ako čovjek svoju volju pokreće protiv mene, moj Duh, koji je u njemu, odlazi od njega ili se čovjek kažnjava da bi popravio svoju volju. Tako je i Bileam htio prokleti moj narod, ali ja mu nisam dopustio; jer iako je bio zao i častohlepan prorok, povremeno je ipak govorio dobro, ali ne od sebe, već od moga Duha; jer često je dobrima i zlima dana milost moga Duha jer inače oni veliki govornici ne bi mogli raspravljati o tako visokim stvarima kad ne bi imali moga Duha; ne bi niti mogli govoriti tako ludo protiv mene kad mi ne bi bili neprijateljski nastrojeni i da se nisu okrenuli oholosti i htjeli znati više nego što priliči.“ Odgovor na sedmo pitanje: „Zašto je dalje đavao kod nekih češće i prijanja uz njih? Odgovaram: đavao je kao mučitelj i iskušavatelj pravednih. Zato muči s mojim dopuštenjem kod nekih duše, savjest drugih je pomračena; neke muči i na tijelima. Muči duše onih koji kod griješenja bez razuma podaju svakoj nečistoći i svakom nevjerovanju; nasuprot tome muči savjesti i duše onih koji zbog ponekih grijeha moraju biti pročišćeni i kažnjeni u ovom svijetu; tako mučenje se događa i djeci obaju spolova, poganskoj kao i kršćanskoj, bilo zbog nebrige roditelja, ili zbog prirodne mane, ili radi strašenja i za poniženje drugih, ili zbog ponekih grijeha tako što to moja pravednost propisuje na milosrdan način da oni kojima je oduzeta prilika za griješenje ili ne bi bili teško kažnjeni, ili bili slavnije okrunjeni. Na sličan način se mnogo istoga događa i životinjama bilo radi kazne za druge, za skraćivanje njihova života, ili zbog neumjerenosti njihove prirode. Ako đavao dakle prijanja uz neke i bliže im je, to se događa po mojem dopuštenju i služi bilo većem poniženju, ili oprezu, ili dodjeli ljepše krune i revnosti da me se traži, ili čišćenju od grijeha u sadašnjosti, ili se događa jer neki zaslužuju da vječna kazna bez kraja počne već ovdje.“ Jedanaesta objava Sin Božji razgovara sa svojom zaručnicom, blaženom Brigitom, i kaže joj zašto i kad je početo davati joj riječi božanskih objava u duhovnim viđenjima. Također joj kaže da prorečene riječi objava koje su sadržane u ovoj knjizi imaju prvenstveno četiri svojstva: na duhovan način site onoga koji žeđa za istinskom ljubavi, griju one kojima je hladno, obraduju ožalošćene i čine slabe duše zdravima. Sin Božji reče: „Iz prirodnih sredstava se može spremiti ljekoviti napitak, naime iz hladnog željeza, tvrdog kamena, suhog drveta i gorke trave. Ali kako? Zaista, kad bi čelik silinom pao na brdo sumpora i iz čelika bi izišla vatra, brdo bi se moralo zapaliti. Zbog njegove bi vrućine obližnja maslina, iako suha, ali iznutra sočna, tako jako počela teći da bi gorka trava koja stoji pod maslinom mogla postati slatkom i iz toga ljekoviti napitak. Tako sam na duhovan način učinio tebi; jer tvoje srce je bilo hladno kao čelik u ljubavi prema meni; no prema meni se ipak pokrenula skromna iskra ljubavi, naime kad si razmišljala da sam vrjedniji od svake ljubavi i časti. To tvoje srce je palo na brdo sumpora onda kad su ti svjetovna slava i radost postali protivni i kad ti je tvoj suprug, kojeg si tjelesno voljela ispred svega drugog, uzet smrću. Uistinu, svjetovna radost i uživanje se prikladno uspoređuju s brdom sumpora jer sa sobom vode napuhanost srca, smrad požude i žar kazne. I kad je kod smrti upravo tog tvojeg supruga tvoje srce bilo bolno udareno žalošću, uslijedila je iskra moje ljubavi koja kao da je bila zatvorena i skrivena; jer nakon što si prepoznala ispraznost svijeta, svu si svoju volju prepustila meni time što si me željela iznad svega. Ta iskra ljubavi je suhu maslinu, to jest riječi evanđelja i tvojih učitelja, dovela do tečenja tako da ti se svidjela umjerenost i kušala si kako ti sad sve što ti se prije činilo gorkim počinje postajati slatkim. I kad je maslina počela teći i moje riječi objava su u duhu došle nad tebe, jedan koji je stajao na brdu poviče i reče: 'Ovim napitkom se gasi žeđ, onaj kojem je hladno biva ugrijan, ožalošćeni obradovan, slabi ojačan.' Ja, sam Bog, taj sam koji viče; moje riječi, koje u duhovnim viđenjima često čuješ od mene, site kao dobar napitak onoga koji žeđa za istinskom ljubavi; drugo, griju onoga kojem je hladno, treće, obraduju ožalošćenoga, četvrto, liječe one koji su bolesni na duši.“ Šesnaesto ispitivanje Prvo pitanje. Opet se pokazao kao ranije redovnik stojeći na svojim ljestvama i reče: „O, suče, pitam te: zašto će prema evanđelju jarci biti postavljeni Tebi slijeva, a ovce zdesna? Zar ti se to sviđa?“ Drugo pitanje: „Ako si dalje Sin Božji jednak Ocu, zašto je onda pisano da niti ti, niti anđeli ne znaju vrijeme suda?“ Treće pitanje: „Ako je tvojim evanđelistima govorio Duh Sveti, zašto je nedostatak slaganja u evanđeljima tako velik?“ Četvrto pitanje: „Ako se dalje cijelom ljudskom rodu Tvojim utjelovljenjem dogodio tako veliki spas, zašto si tako dugo oklijevao da postaneš čovjekom?“ Peto pitanje: „Ako je naposljetku čovjekova duša bolja od cijelog svijeta, zašto posvuda i uvijek ne šalješ svoje prijatelje i svoje propovjednike?“ Odgovor na prvo pitanje. Sudac odgovori: „Prijatelju, ti ne pitaš da bi znao, već da bi tvoja zloba postala poznata. U božanstvu u cijelosti ništa nije od mesa, niti je tjelesnog oblika jer je moje božanstvo duh i dobri i zli ne mogu istovremeno stanovati kod mene kao što i svjetlost i tama jedno kraj drugog. Niti desno niti lijevo nije u mojem božanstvu tjelesno oblikovano, da, ovi meni zdesna neće biti sretniji od onih slijeva; one riječi su naprotiv govorene na način usporedbe; jer pod desnim se razumije uzvišenost moje božanske slave, pod lijevim povlačenje i nedostatak svega dobroga. Niti ovce niti jarci nisu u toj mojoj čudesnoj slavi u kojoj nije ništa tjelesno, ništa nečisto ili promjenjivo. Pod prispodobama i slikama životinja često su prikazane moralna svojstva ljudi kao što se pod ovcama misli nevinost, pod jarcima razuzdanost, to jest neumjeren čovjek koji treba biti postavljen slijeva gdje je nedostatak svega dobroga. Zato znaj da ja, Bog, ponekad koristim ljudske riječi i usporedbe da bi maleni imao iz čega sisati, a savršeni nešto čime postaju savršeniji i da bi se ispunilo pismo da je djevičin sin postavljen za proturječje da bi se otkrile misli mnogih srdaca.“ Odgovor na drugo pitanje: „Zašto sam dalje ja, Sin Božji, rekao da ne znam sat suda? Odgovaram: pisano je da je Isus rastao, postajao jak i pun mudrosti. Sve što raste i smanjuje se ima promjenjivost, no Bog je nepromjenjiv. Ako sam ja, Sin Božji koji je vječno jednak s Ocem, rastao, to se onda događalo na mojem čovještvu. Ako nešto nisam znao, to nisam znao prema svojem čovještvu, ali prema svojem božanstvu znao sam i znam sve jer Otac ne čini ništa što ne čini i Sin. Ili zna li Otac nešto što ja, Sin, i Duh Sveti ne znamo isto? Nikako! Već samo Otac s kojim sam ja, Sin, i Duh Sveti jedno biće, jedno božanstvo i jedna volja zna onaj sad suda, ali niti anđeli niti bilo koje drugo stvorenje.“ Odgovor na treće pitanje: „Zašto dalje ako je Duh Sveti govorio evanđelistima postoji takvo odstupanje među njima? Odgovaram: pisano je da je Duh Sveti raznovrstan u svojem djelovanju jer svoje milosti razdjeljuje svojim izabranima. Sam Duh Sveti je kao čovjek koji u ruci ima vagu i mnogostruko se njome služi da bi vagu doveo u ravnotežu sve dok se kazaljka ne umiri. Učen čovjek drukčije postupa s vagom nego neučen, slab drukčije nego jak. Isto tako se Duh Sveti u srcima ljudi kao vaga brzo diže i ubrzo spušta; diže se kad podiže srce oštrinom razuma, molitvom duha i zapaljenjem duhovne žudnje; spušta se kad dopušta da se srce zapliće u poteškoće, da se brine o nepotrebnom i da ga nevolje uznemiruju. Kao što vaga pokazuje ispravnu težinu tek onda je ono što je na nju položeno izmjereno i kad sudjeluje ruka onoga koji njome upravlja, tako je i kod djelovanja Duha Svetoga nužno odmjeravanje, dobro ponašanje, jednostavnost namjere i pametno razlikovanje u djelovanjima i vrlinama. Zato sam ja, Sin Božji, vidljiv u mesu, na različitim mjestima propovijedao različito i imao sam različite sljedbenike i slušatelje; poneki su me slijedili iz ljubavi, drugi iz znatiželje i da bi me imali priliku vidjeti; neki od onih koji su me slijedili su bili oštroumni, drugi jednostavna duha. Zato sam govorio jednostavno čime se podučilo jednostavne. Govorio sam i ono što je više čemu su se mudri čudili. Ponekad sam govorio i u prispodobama i mračno iz čega su neki uzimali prigodu pitati me, ponekad sam ponavljao rečeno ili sam proširivao ili ograničavao. Zato nije čudo ako su oni koji su propovijedanja evanđelja doveli u red zapisali različito, ali istinito; neki među njima su navodili riječ do riječi, neki smisao riječi, a ne same riječi, drugi su pisali što su čuli, ne što su vidjeli, neki ranije ono što se dogodilo kasnije, neki više o mojem božanstvu, ali svaki onako kako mu je Duh Sveti dao govoriti. No trebaš znati da kao evanđeliste treba prihvatiti samo one koje je prihvatila moja Crkva jer usudilo ih se pisati više koji su imali revnost, ali ne prema mojem znanju. Jer gledaj, kao što je danas čitano, rekao sam: 'Razvalite ovaj hram i opet ću ga podići.' Oni koji su čuli ove riječi i svjedočili, bili su istiniti svjedoci u odnosu na čute riječi, ali lažni jer se nisu obazirali na smisao mojih riječi budući da sam ove riječi rekao da se razumiju kao o mojem tijelu. Na sličan način su mnogi na moje riječi: 'Ako ne jedete moje tijelo, nećete imati život' otišli od mene jer nisu razumjeli kraj mojeg govora: 'Moje riječi su duh i život', to jest one imaju duhovni razum, duhovnu snagu. Nije čudo da su se prevarili jer me nisu slijedili iz ljubavi. Zato se Duh Sveti na način vage diže u srcima ljudi tako što govori malo tjelesno, malo na duhovan način. Spušta se kad se čovjekovo srce ili otvrdnjava protiv Boga kroz hereze ili se zapliće u svjetovne stvari i dopušta da se pomrači.“ U tom trenutku reče sudac ispitujućem redovniku koji je stajao na stepenici ljestava: „Prijatelju, tako si me često ispitivao istančanosti; no sad te pitam zbog svoje zaručnice koja ovdje stoji: zašto tvoja duša, koja ima razum i razlikovanje dobra i zla, više voli prolazno nego nebesko i zašto ne živi prema onome što prepoznaje?“ Redovnik odgovori: „Jer djelujem protiv razuma i dopuštam da osjetila mesa imaju moć nad razumom.“ A Krist reče: „Zato će tvoja savjest biti tvoj sudac.“ Na to reče Krist zaručnici: „Gledaj, moja kćeri, koliko mnogo na ljudima može ne samo đavlova zloba, već i zla savjest i to dolazi zato jer čovjek svojim kušnjama ne pruža otpor kao što bi morao. No onaj tebi poznati učitelj nije tako učinio; jer s njim je Duh sišao i tako ga jako kušao da su zamalo sve hereze stajale pred njim i skoro govorile jednim ustima: 'Mi smo istina.' No on sam nije vjerovao svojim osjetilima i nije se nadilazio svojim osjećajima, zato je bio oslobođen i postao je znajući od 'U početku' sve do 'alfa i omega' kao što mu je bilo obećano.“ Objašnjenje To je o onoj prvoj riječi u Bibliji koja tamo počinje: „U početku stvori Bog nebo i zemlju“, sve do Otkrivenja Ivanova gdje je pisano o alfi i omegi. I onaj učitelj je bio magistar Matija, kanon Linköpinga i ispovjednik svete Brigite. O njemu je govor u 3. i 52. poglavlju prve knjige i 89. poglavlju šeste knjige objava. Odgovor na četvrto pitanje: „Zašto sam dalje tako dugo oklijevao postati meso? Odgovaram: zaista, moje utjelovljenje je bilo nužno; jer njime je prokletstvo bilo raskinuto i sve na nebu kao i na zemlji dovedeno u mir. No ipak je bilo nužno da čovjek prije bude podučen prirodnim zakonom, onda pisanim; jer kroz prirodni je zakon postalo vidljivo kako je velika i koje vrste bila čovjekova ljubav, a kroz pisani zakon je čovjek prepoznao svoju slabost i svoju bijedu i onda je počeo pitati za lijek. Bilo je dakle prikladno da liječnik dođe onda kad je slabost postala velika i da onda kad je bolest prevladala lijeka bude u izobilju. No pod prirodnim kao i pod pisanim zakonom je isto tako bilo mnogo pravednika i mnogi su imali Duha Svetoga, mnogo su toga prorekli, odgojili su druge za častan život i očekivali su mene, Otkupitelja. Ovima je moje milosrđe blizu i vječna kazna ih ne dohvaća.“ Odgovor na peto pitanje: „Zašto dalje, ako je duša bolja od svijeta, propovjednici poslani nisu uvijek i posvuda? Odgovaram: istina je da je duša dostojnija i plemenitija nego sav svijet i postojanija od svega; dostojnija je jer je duhovna i jednako anđelima stvorena za vječnu radost, a plemenitija je zato što je prema slici moga božanstva stvorena, besmrtna i vječna. Budući da je čovjek plemenitiji i dostojniji od svih stvorenja, treba voditi plemenitiji život nego svi budući ispred drugih razumom učinjen bogatim. No ukoliko čovjek zloporabi razum i moje božanske darove, što je čudo ako za vrijeme pravednosti kažnjavam što je za vrijeme milosrđa propušteno. Zato propovjednici nisu poslani posvuda niti uvijek jer ja, Bog, koji unaprijed vidim tvrdoću mnogih srdaca, želim svoje odabrane poštedjeti teškoća da se ne muče uzaludno i jer mnogi griješe s trudom i znanjem i odlučuju radije ostati u grijehu nego se preobratiti; zato nisu vrijedni čuti glasnike spasenja. Ali, prijatelju, sad ću učiniti kraj s odgovaranjem na tvoje misli i ti ćeš završiti svoj život. Sad ćeš iskusiti što su ti koristili bogata rječitost i ljudska naklonost. O, kako bi sretan bi bio da si se obazirao na svoje zvanje i svoje zavjete!“ Potom Duh reče zaručnici: „Moja kćeri, ovaj, kojega si vidjela da pita ovako velike stvari, još živi u tijelu, ali neće ostati živ niti jedan dan; njegovi osjećaji i misli njegova srca su ti pokazani u slikama ne njemu na veću sramotu, već na spas drugih duša. Ali gledaj! S njegovim osjećajima i mislima će završiti njegov život i njegova nada.“ Dvanaesta objava Krist razgovara sa svojom zaručnicom Brigitom i kaže da se ne da uznemiriti što nad jednim čovjekom koji je bio veliki grešnik odmah ne izvrši pravednost; jer on odgađa kaznu da bi njegova pravednost, ako je dosudi, bila drugima očita. Također kaže njegove božanske riječi koje su sadržane u ovoj knjizi božanskih objava najprije moraju rasti sve dok ne dozriju do pune zrelosti i odmah potom će na svijet donijeti svoje djelovanje i snagu. Te riječi su kao ulje na svjetiljci, to jest vrline u duši; one podmazuju dušu i čine da duša, kad dođe Duh Sveti, gori i sjaji čudesnim. K tome dodaje kako će se spomenute riječi objava uzdići i donijeti plod i drugdje osim u kraljevstvu Švedske gdje su počele biti objavljivane zaručnici. Sin Božji reče: „Zašto se uznemiruješ što tog čovjeka tako strpljivo podnosim? Ne znaš kako je teško vječno gorjeti i zato ga podnosim do posljednjeg trenutka da bi u njemu moja pravednost drugima bila očita. Ako se trave koje daju boju odrežu prije svojeg vremena, ne vrijede pri bojanju stvari tako dobro kao kad se odrežu u pripadajuće vrijeme. Tako i riječi moje pravednosti i milosrđa moraju postati očite i rasti do punine vremena da bi donijele plod, više služile onoj stvari za koju su dane i mojoj snazi dodijele prikladnu boju. Zašto se uostalom brineš o tome što onaj ne vjeruje mojim riječima ukoliko mu se nisu pokazani jasniji znakovi? Jesi li ga ti rodila ili poznaješ li njegovu unutrašnjost kao ja? On je zaista kao goruća i svjetleća svjetiljka u koju se, ako k tome dođe ulje, dodaje čvrsto prijanjajući stijenj. Tako je svjetiljka vrlina, svjetiljka prikladna za primanje moje božanske milosti. Čim joj se uliju moje riječi, na savršeniji način postaju tekuće i silaze u unutrašnjost srca; koje čudo ako se masnoća tali i čini da svjetiljka gori? Jer vatra je moj Duh koje je u tebi i govori i isti Duh jest i govori i u njemu iako na skriveniji i njemu vrlo koristan način. Ta vatra zapaljuje svjetiljku njegova srca da bi radilo na moju čast. Zapaljuje i dušu da bi primila masnoću milosti i moje riječi od kojih je duša slatko primljena i potpunije promašćena da bi činila dobra djela. Zato ne boj se, već stoj čvrsto u vjeri. Kad bi ove riječi dolazile od tvojeg duha ili od duha ovog svijeta, s pravom bi se imala bojati; no budući da su od mog Duha kojeg su imali sveti proroci, zato se nemaš čega bojati, već se radovati sve dok se ne bojiš više ispraznog imena svijeta od objava mojih božanskih riječi. Čuj osim toga što kažem: ovo kraljevstvo je pomiješano s velikim, dugo ostavljenim nekažnjenim grijehom. Zato moje riječi još ne mogu niknuti i donijeti plod kao što ću ti sad objasniti govoreći kroz usporedbu. Zamisli da je u zemlju posađena jezgra. Na nju je stavljeno nešto teško tako da ne može doći u visinu. Ako je ta jezgra dobre snažne kvalitete, ukoliko zbog od gore pritišćuće težine ne može ići uvis, traži okolo zemlje svoj uspon na mjestu gdje se nalazi manja težina. Tu se ukorjenjuje tako duboko i čvrsto da ne samo da donosi vrlo lijep plod, nego i stablo, ako čvrsto naraste, uništava sve što zadržava uspon i širi se nad onim što ga opterećuje. Ova jezgra predstavlja moje riječi. One kod bujanja grijeha u ovoj zemlji ne mogu naći prikladan uspon i prije će niknuti negdje drugdje i stvoriti korist sve dok se tvrdoća ove zemlje ne smanji i dopusti milosrđe.“ Trinaesta objava Bog Otac razgovara s blaženom Brigitom i pokazuje joj na istančan način snagu pet određenih mjesta u Jeruzalemu i Betlehemu kao i milost koju primaju hodočasnici koji ta mjesta posjećuju u pobožnoj poniznosti i istinskoj ljubavi. Kaže kako se na spomenutim mjestima nalazi posuda koja je zatvorena i nije zatvorena kao i da je rođen lav koji bio vidljiv istovremeno nevidljiv, kako se tamo nalazi janje koje je bilo ostriženo i istovremeno neostriženo, da je bila položena zmija koja je tamo ležala i nije ležala i da je na kraju bio i orao koji je letio i istovremeno nije letio. U ovoj slici također sve izlaže. Bog Otac reče: „Bio jednom jedan gospodar kojem njegov sluga reče: 'Gledaj, tvoja njiva je izorana, korijenje je iskrčeno; kada da se posije pšenica?' Gospodar mu reče: 'Iako izgleda da je korijenje iskrčeno, ipak su zaostali zastarjele stabljike i panjevi koji u proljeće moraju biti raskinuti od kiše i vjetra. Zato strpljivo čekaj vrijeme sjetve.' Sluga mu odgovori: 'Što da radim u vrijeme između proljeća i žetve?' Gospodar mu odgovori: 'Poznajem pet mjesta. Svatko tko tamo dođe, primit će peterostruki plod ako tamo dođe čist i slobodan od oholosti i goreći u ljubavi. Na prvom mjestu je bila posuda koja je zatvorena i nije zatvorena, mala, a opet nije bila mala; istovremeno svjetleća i nesvjetleća posuda, prazna i istovremeno neprazna, čista i nečista posuda. Na drugom mjestu je rođen lav koji se mogao i nije mogao vidjeti, čuti i ne čuti, dotaknuti i ne dotaknuti, prepoznati i ne prepoznati, vezati i ne vezati. Na trećem mjestu se nalazilo ostriženo janje koje također nije bilo ostriženo, ranjeno i istovremeno neranjeno, koje je tamo zvalo i nije zvalo, bilo je kao umiruće janje i neumiruće. Na četvrtom mjestu je položena zmija koja je ležala i nije ležala, kretala se i nije se kretala, čula je i nije čula, vidjela je i nije vidjela, osjećala je i bila je neosjetljiva. Na petom mjestu je bio orao koji je letio, ali istovremeno i nije letio i koji je došao na mjesto kamo više nikad nije došao, koji je mirovao i nije mirovao, koji se obnavljao i nije se obnavljao, radovao se i nije se radovao, bio je čašćen i nije bio čašćen.'“ Izlaganje i objašnjenje onoga izrečenog u slici Otac reče: „Posuda o kojoj sam ti pričao je bila Marija, Joakimova kćer, majka Kristova čovještva, jer bila je zatvorena i nezatvorena posuda, zatvorena đavlu, a nezatvorena Bogu. Kao bujica koja želi prodrijeti u posudu ispred sebe, ali ne može i traži druge ulaze i izlaze, tako se đavao želio kao bujica poroka svim svojim idejama približiti Marijinu srcu. No nikad nije mogao prikloniti njezin razum bilo kakvom najmanjem grijehu jer je bila zatvorena za kušnje i u njezino srce je bila pritjecala bujica mojeg Duha i ispunila je posebnom milošću. Drugo, Marija je bila majka mojeg Sina, mala i nemala posuda, mala i neznatna u svojem poniznom poniženju, velika i vrlo nemala u ljubavi moga božanstva. Treće, Marija je bila prazna i neprazna; prazna od svih uživanja i grijeha, neprazna, odnosno ispunjena božanskom slatkoćom i svakim dobrom. Četvrto, Marija je bila svjetleća i nesvjetleća; svjetleća jer je svaka duša od mene stvorena lijepa i jer je njezina duša tako veoma rasla svakom savršenstvu svjetla da se moj Sin učvrstio u njezinoj duši i njezinoj su se ljepoti radovali nebo i zemlja; no ova posuda nije bila svjetleća pred ljudima jer je prezirala časti i bogatstva svijeta. Peto, Marija je bila čista i nečista posuda; bila je čista jer je bila potpuno lijepa i na njoj se nije nalazilo niti toliko nečistog da bi se na to mogla staviti oštrica igle. No nije bila čista jer je izišla iz Adamova korijena i rođena je od grešnika, iako je bez grijeha začeta da bi moj Sin bio rođen od nje bez grijeha. Tko zato dođe na ono mjesto gdje je naime Marija rođena i odgojena, neće biti samo očišćen, već će biti posuda na moju čast. Drugo mjesto je Betlehem gdje je moj Sin rođen kao lav koji je viđen i zadržan u svojem čovještvu, ali je u božanstvu bio nevidljiv i nepoznat. Treće mjesto je Kalvarija gdje je moj Sin kao nevino janje ranjen i umro dok po božanstvu nije bio podvrgnut patnji i bio je besmrtan. Četvrto mjesto je bio vrt sa grobom moga Sina u koji je bio položen kao prezirna zmija i ležao je po svojem čovještvu dok je po svojem božanstvu bio posvuda. Peto mjesto je Maslinska gora s koje je moj Sin po svojem čovještvu kao orao uzletio na nebo gdje je sa božanstvom uvijek bio. Po svojem se čovještvu obnovio i mirovao dok je po božanstvu uvijek bio u miru i isti. Tko dakle na ova mjesta dođe čist, s dobrom i savršenom voljom, taj će dobiti da vidi i kuša kako sam sladak Gospodin, ja, Bog. Ako dođeš na ova mjesta, pokazat ću ti još više.“ ŠESTA KNJIGA Kupite Objavama Svete Brigite Švedske na Lulu (488 Stranice) Prvo poglavlje Riječi Majke Božje zaručnici koje pripovijedaju o Kristovoj ljepoti i kako su Židovi, kad su se nalazili u smrtnom strahu, išli onamo gledati njegovo lice i bili su utješeni. Majka Božja je razgovarala sa zaručnicom i reče: „Ja sam Kraljica neba; moj Sin te voli od svega srca. Zato ti savjetujem da nikoga ne voliš kao Njega; on je naime toliko poželjan da kad imaš Njega, ne možeš željeti ništa drugo; tako je lijep da je ljepota elemenata ili svjetla u usporedbi s njegovom kao sjena. Kad sam podigla svog Sina, bio je obdaren takvom ljepotom da je svatko tko ga je vidio bio utješen u boli srca koju je imao. Zato su mnogi Židovi međusobno govorili: 'Hajdemo vidjeti Marijina sina da se utješimo.' I premda nisu znali da je Božji Sin, ipak im je njegov pogled dao veliku utjehu. Njegovo je tijelo bilo tako čisto da na njemu nikad nije bilo gamadi jer su i ove prijezirne životinje držale svojeg stvoritelja u časti. Ni u njegovoj kosi se nije se nalazila niti hranila nikakva nečistoća.“