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Subtitles and Transcript 0:12 So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. And she called, and she said, "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flyer." And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." 0:36 (Laughter) 0:37 And I was like, "Okay." And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk is you're a storyteller. So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, "You're going to call me a what?" And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." And I was like, "Why not 'magic pixie'?" 0:56 (Laughter) 0:59 I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." I tried to call deep on my courage. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that's what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe I'm just a storyteller. And so I said, "You know what? Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." And she went, "Ha ha. There's no such thing." 1:25 (Laughter) 1:27 So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- we're talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent. 1:45 And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year, I had a research professor who said to us, "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's and a master's in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box." 2:28 (Laughter) 2:30 And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work." And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things that I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see. 3:08 So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice, mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here. 3:39 So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, and one "opportunity for growth?" 3:52 (Laughter) 3:54 And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection. 4:18 So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? 4:51 The things I can tell you about it: It's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it, the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which, we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. 5:31 And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well. 5:58 (Laughter) 6:00 You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research. 6:15 My one year turned into six years: Thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. And I kind of got a handle on it. I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. 7:07 There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those. 7:51 What do these people have in common? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were "whole-hearted." These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. What's the theme? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kids because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just writing and in my researcher mode. 8:39 And so here's what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word "cor," meaning "heart" -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection. 9:39 The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first ... the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental. 10:43 I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown -- 11:12 (Laughter) 11:17 -- which actually looked more like this. 11:20 (Laughter) 11:22 And it did. 11:24 I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. 11:27 (Laughter) 11:28 A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you, it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo, I wouldn't want to be your therapist." 11:47 (Laughter) 11:50 I was like, "What does that mean?" And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. Don't bring your measuring stick." 11:57 (Laughter) 12:00 I was like, "Okay." So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good. 12:27 (Laughter) 12:29 And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit." 13:04 (Laughter) 13:06 "I just need some strategies." 13:09 (Laughter) 13:13 (Applause) 13:16 Thank you. So she goes like this. 13:23 (Laughter) 13:25 And then I said, "It's bad, right?" And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." 13:31 (Laughter) 13:33 "It just is what it is." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck." 13:38 (Laughter) 13:41 And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. 13:59 (Laughter) 14:02 For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back. 14:14 And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? 14:34 So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people. This is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. 15:23 And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- We are the most in-debt ... obese ... addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. 16:03 (Laughter) 16:05 I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God. 16:14 (Laughter) 16:16 You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then, we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle. 16:46 One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. "I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up." That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. 17:43 (Laughter) 17:46 Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow." 17:50 (Laughter) 17:52 And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh." That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems, I think, that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill ... a recall. We pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... "We're sorry. We'll fix it." 19:01 But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough" ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. 20:05 That's all I have. Thank you. 20:07 (Applause)
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Subtitles and Transcript Translated by Tilen Pigac - EFZG Reviewed by Romana Perković 0:11 Dakle, počet ću sa ovim: prije par godina, organizatorica evenata me nazvala jer sam morala održati govor na jednom događaju. I nazvala je, i rekla, "Doista se borim kako da pišem o vama na mali letak." I pomislila sam, "Dobro, gdje je zapelo?" I rekla je, "Pa, vidjela sam vas kako pričate, i nazvat ću vas istraživačicom, mislim, ali bojim se da ako vas nazovem istraživačicom, nitko neće doći, jer će misliti kako ste dosadni i nevažni." (Smijeh) U redu. I rekla je, "Ali ono što mi se sviđalo kod vašeg govora, je da ste vi pripovjedačica. Stoga mislim da ću vas nazvati pripovjedačicom." I naravno, akademski, nesigurni dio mene je bio, "Nazvat ćete me kako?" I rekla je, "Nazvat ću vas pripovjedačicom." A ja sam bila kao, "Zašto ne magična mala žena?" (Smijeh) Rekla sam, "Dopustite mi da razmislim o tome na sekundu." Probala sam se pozvati na svoju hrabrost. I pomislila sam, ja sam pripovjedačica. Ja sam kvalitativna istraživačica. Sakupljam priče; to je ono što radim. A možda su priče samo podaci sa dušom. I možda sam samo pripovjedačica. I tako sam rekla, "Znate što? Zašto jednostavno ne kažete da sam istraživačica - pripovjedačica." A ona je zatim išla, "Haha. Ne postoji takvo nešto." (Smijeh) Dakle, ja sam istraživačica - pripovjedačica, i pričat ću vam danas - pričamo o proširenju percepcije - i stoga sam vam željela ispričati nekoliko priča o dijelu mog istraživanja koji je fundamentalno proširio moju percepciju i doista promijenio način na koji živim i volim i radim i obnašam ulogu roditelja. 1:46 A ovdje moja priča počinje. Kada sam bila mladi istraživač, student doktorskog studija, prve godine sam imala profesora istraživača koji nam je rekao, "Evo o čemu se radi, ako ne možete izmjeriti, onda to ne postoji." I pomislila sam kako je samo slatkorječiv prema meni. A ja sam rekla, "Doista?" a on je rekao, "Apsolutno." I stoga morate razumijeti kako sam ja diplomirala iz područja socijalnog rada, magistrirala iz područja socijalnog rada, i stjecala sam svoj doktorat iz područja socijalnog rada, i tako sam kroz cijelu svoju akademsku karijeru bila okružena ljudima koji su, na neki način, vjerovali da je život neuredan, i voli ga. A ja sam više, život je neuredan, počisti ga, organiziraj ga i stavi ga u kutiju za ručak. (Smijeh) I stoga, pomisliti da sam pronašla svoj put, da sam pronašla karijeru koja me obuzima - doista, jedna od velikih izreka u socijalnom radu jest da se osloniš na neugodnost posla. A ja sam više za nokautiranje neugodnosti, pomicanje istog i dobivanje svih petica. To je bila moja mantra. Stoga sam bila veoma uzbuđena oko toga. I stoga sam pomislila, znate što, ovo je karijera za mene, jer me zanimaju neke neuredne teme. Ali želim biti u mogućnosti učiniti ih urednima. Želim ih razumijeti. Želim hakirati te stvari za koje znam da su važne i iznijeti šifru da je svi vide. 3:08 Stoga sam započela sa vezom. Jer, kada ste socijalni radnik već 10 godina, ono što shvatite jest da smo zbog povezanosti ovdje. To je ono što daje smisao i značenje našim životima. To je bit svega. Nema veze razgovarate li sa ljudima koji rade u socijalnoj pravdi i mentalnom zdravlju i zlostavljanju u zapostavljanju, ono što znamo je da je povezanost, mogućnost osjećati se povezanim, je - na neurobiološkoj razini onako kako smo umreženi - to je razlog zašto smo ovdje. Stoga sam pomislila, znate što, počet ću sa vezom. Znate onu situaciju kada dobijete evaluaciju od svoje šefice, a ona vam kaže 37 stvari koje radite izvanredno, i jednu stvar - priliku za rast? (Smijeh) I sve o čemu možete razmišljati je ta prilika za rast, točno. Takav je očito bio i moj posao, jer kada pitate ljude o ljubavi, oni vam pričaju o slomljenom srcu. Kada pitate ljude o pripadnosti, oni vam pričaju o svojim najbolnijim iskustvima isključenja. A kada pitate ljude o povezanosti, priče koje su mi ispričali su bile o izopćenosti. 4:18 Dakle, veoma brzo - doista oko šest tjedana nakon početka istraživanja - naletjela sam na tu neimenovanu stvar koja je potpuno rasplela povezanost na način koji nisam razumijela ili vidjela ikad prije. I stoga sam se povukla iz istraživanja i pomislila, moramo dokučiti što je to. I ispostavilo se da je to sram. A sram je doista lako shvatiti kao strah od izopćenosti. Ima li nešto o meni što, ako drugi ljudi znaju ili vide to, da neću biti dostojna povezanosti. Stvari o kojima vam mogu pričati: to je univerzalno; svi to imamo. Jedini ljudi koji ne doživljavaju sram su oni koji nemaju sposobnost ljudske empatije ili povezanosti. Nitko ne želi pričati o tome, a što manje pričate o tome, više toga imate. Ono što je poduprlo taj sram, taj "Nisam dovoljno dobra," - svi mi dobro znamo taj osjećaj: "Nisam dovoljno bijela. Nisam dovoljno mršava, dovoljno bogata, dovoljno lijepa, dovoljno pametna, dovoljno promovirana." Ono što je poduprlo to je bila bolna ranjivost, ideja o tome da, za povezanost da se dogodi, moramo dozvoliti sebi da budemo viđeni, doista viđeni. 5:31 A znate koje je moje mišljenje o ranjivosti. Mrzim ranjivost. I stoga sam pomislila, ovo je moja prilika da je izudaram sa svojim štapom za mjerenje. Odlazim unutra, dokučit ću o čemu se radi, provest ću jednu godinu, potpuno ću dekonstruirati sram, shvatiti ću kako ranjivost funkcionira, i nadmudrit ću je. Bila sam spremna, i bila sam doista uzbuđena. Kao što znate, neće ispasti dobro. (Smijeh) Znate to. Mogla bih vam reći mnogo toga o sramu, ali onda bih trebala posuditi vrijeme svih ostalih. Ali evo što vam mogu reći na što se svodi - a to je možda jedna od najvažnijih stvari koje sam naučila kroz desetljeće provođenja istraživanja. Moja jedna godina se pretvorila u šest godina, tisuće priča, stotine dugačkih intervjua, fokus grupa. U jednom trenutku ljudi su mi slali stranice novina i slali su mi svoje priče - tisuće komada podataka u šest godina. I počela sam, na neki način, baratati njima. 6:34 Razumijela sam, na neki način, što sram je, ovako on funkcionira. Napisala sam knjigu, objavila sam teoriju, ali nešto nije bilo u redu - a ono o čemu se radilo je bilo da, kad bih otprilike uzela ljude koje sam intervjuirala i podijelila ih u ljude koji su doista imali osjećaj vrijednosti - to je ono na što se ovo svodi, osjećaj vrijednosti - oni imaju osjećaj ljubavi i pripadanja - i ljude koji se bore za to, i ljude koji se uvijek pitaju jesu li dovoljno dobri. Postojala je samo jedna varijabla koja je djelila ljude koji imaju snažan osjećaj ljubavi i pripadanja i ljude koji se zaista bore za to. A to je, da ljudi koji imaju snažan osjećaj ljubavi i pripadanja vjeruju kako su dostojni ljubavi i pripadanja. To je to. Oni vjeruju kako su dostojni. A po meni, težak dio te jedne stvari koja nas drži podalje od povezanosti je naš strah da nismo dostojni povezanosti, bilo je nešto što sam, osobno i profesionalno, osjećala da moramo bolje razumijeti. Ono što sam učinila je da sam uzela intervjue gdje sam vidjela vrijednost, gdje sam vidjela ljude koji žive na taj način, i samo sam gledala u njih. 7:51 Što ti ljudi imaju zajedničko? Ja imam blagu ovisnost o uredskom priboru, ali to je druga priča. Imala sam manila mapu, i imala sam Sharpie, i mislila sam, kako ću nazvati ovo istraživanje? I prva riječ koja mi je pala na pamet bila je svesrdan. Ovo su svesrdni ljudi, koji žive na dubokom osjećaju vrijednosti. Napisala sam na vrh manila mape, i počela sam promatrati podatke. U biti, to sam prvo napravila u četverodnevnoj veoma intenzivnoj analizi podataka, gdje sam se vratila unatrag, izvukla te intervjue, izvukla priče, izvukla događaje. Koja je tema? Koji je uzorak? Moj muž je otišao s djecom izvan grada jer uvijek odem u tu ludu fazu Jackson Pollock-a, gdje samo pišem i u svom sam istraživačkom modu. I evo što sam pronašla. Ono što su imali zajedničkoga je bio osjećaj hrabrosti. I želim za vas na minutu odvojiti hrabrost od junaštva. Hrabrost, izvorna definicija hrabrosti kada se prvi put pojavila u engleskom jeziku - dolazi od latinske riječi cor, što znači srce - i originalna definicija je bila ispričati priču o tome tko ste vi sa punim srcem. I stoga su ti ljudi imali, vrlo jednostavno, hrabrost da budu nesavršeni. Imali su samilost da budu najprije ljubazni prema sebi a zatim i prema drugima, jer, kao što se i ispostavilo, ne možemo prakticirati samilost sa drugim ljudima ako ne možemo sebe ljubazno tretirati. I posljednje je bilo da su imali povezanost, i - to je bio težak dio - kao rezultat autentičnosti, bili su spremni odreći se osobe za koju su mislili da moraju biti kako bi bili ono što jesu, što i morate u potpunosti učiniti za povezanost. 9:39 Druga stvar koja im je bila zajednička je bila ova. Oni su u potpunosti prihvatili ranjivost. Vjerovali su da ono što ih je činilo ranjivima, da ih čini lijepima. Nisu pričali o ranjivosti kao da je ugodna, niti su pričali o njoj kao da je bolna - kao što sam ranije čula u intervjuima o sramu. Pričali su o njoj kao o potrebi. Pričali su o spremnosti da kažu "volim te" prvi, spremnosti da učine nešto gdje nema jamstva, spremnosti da dišu čekajući poziv doktora nakon mamograma. Spremni su uložiti u vezu koja bi mogla profunkcionirati ili ne. Mislili su kako je to fundamentalno. 10:43 Osobno sam mislila kako je to izdaja. Ne mogu vjerovati da sam se zavjetovala na vjernost istraživanju - definicija istraživanja je kontrolirati i predvidjeti, proučiti fenomen, iz izričitog razloga kontrolirati i predvidjeti. A sada moja misija kontroliranja i predviđanja je polučila odgovor kako treba živjeti sa ranjivosti i prestati kontrolirati i predviđati. To je vodilo do malenog sloma - (Smijeh) - koji je zapravo izgledao više nalik ovome. (Smijeh) I jest. Ja sam to nazvala slomom, moja terapeutkinja naziva to duhovno buđenje. Duhovno buđenje zvuči bolje nego slom, ali uvjeravam vas da je to bio slom. I morala sam maknuti svoje podatke i pronaći terapeuta. Dopustite da vam kažem nešto: znate tko ste kada nazovete svoje prijatelje i kažete, "Mislim da moram nekoga vidjeti. Imaš li ikakve preporuke?" Jer pet mojih prijatelja su rekli, "Wooo. Ne bih htio biti tvoj terapeut." (Smijeh) A ja sam rekla, "Što to znači?" A oni su rekli, "Samo kažem, znaš. Nemoj ponijeti svoj štap za mjerenje." Ja sam rekla, "U redu." 12:02 Pronašla sam terapeutkinju. Moj prvi sastanak sa njom, Diana - ponijela sam svoj popis načina na koji svesrdni žive, i sjela sam. A ona je rekla, "Kako ste?" Ja sam rekla, "Odlično sam. U redu sam." Rekla je, "Što se događa?" A to je terapeutkinja koja odlazi terapeutima, jer moramo ići njima, jer njihovi B.S. metri su dobri. (Smijeh) I stoga sam rekla, "Evo o čemu se radi, borim se." A ona je rekla, "Kakva borba?" A ja sam rekla, "Pa, imam problem s ranjivošću. I znam da je ranjivost jezgra srama i straha i naše borbe za vrijednošću, ali čini se da je ujedno rodno mjesto radosti, kreativnosti, pripadnosti, ljubavi. I mislim da imam problem, i potrebna mi je pomoć." I rekla sam, "Ali evo o čemu se radi, bez obiteljskih stvari, bez sranja iz djetinjstva." (Smijeh) "Potrebne su mi samo neke strategije." (Smijeh) (Pljesak) Hvala vam. Stoga ona počne raditi ovo. (Smijeh) Tada sam rekla, "Loše je, je li?" A ona kaže, "Nije ni dobro, a nije ni loše." (Smijeh) "Jest to što jest." I ja sam rekla, "O moj Bože, ovo će biti užas." 13:41 I je, i nije. I trajalo je oko godine dana. I znate kako postoje ljudi koji, kada shvate da su ranjivost i nježnost važne, predaju se i uđu u njih. A: to nisam ja, i B: ja se ni ne družim sa takvim ljudima. (Smijeh) za mene, to je bila cjelogodišnja ulična borba. Bilo je to natjecanje u tome tko će jače udariti. Ranjivost je gurnula, ja sam gurnula natrag. Izgubila sam borbu, ali sam vjerojatno povratila svoj život. 14:14 I stoga sam se vratila istraživanju i provela idućih par godina doista pokušavajuči shvatiti što su oni, svesrdni, koji su im bili izbori, i što mi radimo sa ranjivošću. Zašto se toliko borimo sa njom? Jesam li sama u borbi protiv ranjivosti? Ovo je, dakle, ono što sam naučila. Otupljujemo ranjivost - kada očekujemo poziv. Bilo je smiješno, stavila sam nešto na Twitter i na Facebook, poput, "Kako biste vi definirali ranjivost? Što vas čini ranjivima?" I u roku od sat i pol, imala sam 150 odgovora. Jer sam htjela znati što se nalazi tamo vani. Moleći supruga za pomoć, jer sam bolesna, a mi smo novopečeni mladenci; iniciranje seksa sa svojim mužem; iniciranje seksa sa svojom ženom; biti odbijen; pozvati nekoga van; očekujući poziv od doktora; dobiti otkaz; otpuštati ljude - to je svijet u kojem živimo. Živimo u ranjivom svijetu. A jedan od načina na koji se nosimo s tim je da otupljujemo ranjivost. 15:23 I mislim kako postoji dokaz - i nije jedini razlog što taj dokaz postoji, ali mislim da je ogroman razlog - mi smo najzaduženija, najdeblja, ovisna i liječena odrasla kohorta u povijesti SAD-a. Problem je - i naučila sam to iz istraživanja - da ne možete selektivno zatupiti emocije. Ne možete reći, ovo su loše stvari. Ovdje je ranjivost, ovdje je tuga, ovdje je sram, ovdje je strah, ovdje je razočaranje, ne želim ih osjećati. Popit ću par piva i pojesti muffin od banane i orašastog voća. (Smijeh) Ne želim ih osjećati. I znam kako je to znalački smijeh. Ja za život hakiram u vaše živote. Bože. (Smijeh) Ne možete zatupiti te teške osjećaje bez zatupljivanja utecaja, naših emocija. Ne možete selektivno zatupljivati. Stoga, kada ih zatupljujemo, zatupljujemo i radost, zatupljujemo zahvalnost, zatupljujemo sreću. A tada smo jadni, i tražimo smisao i značenje, i tada se osjećamo ranjivo, pa onda popijemo par piva i pojedemo muffin od banane i orašastog voća. I pretvara se u taj opasan krug. 16:47 Jedna od stvari o kojima, mislim, moramo razmisliti je zašto i kako zatupljujemo. I ne mora samo biti ovisnost. Druga stvar koju radimo je da pretvaramo sve što je neizvjesno u izvjesno. Religija je prešla put od vjere u nadu i misterij do izvjesnosti. Ja sam u pravu, ti si u krivu. Ušuti. To je to. Samo izvjesno. Što se više bojimo, to smo više ranjivi, to se više bojimo. Tako izgleda današnja politika. Nema više diskursa. Nema više razgovora. Postoji samo optuživanje. Znate kako je optuživanje opisano u istraživanju? Način pražnjenja boli i neugode. Mi usavršavamo. Ako postoji itko tko želi da im život izgleda poput ovog, onda bi to bila ja, ali to ne funkcionira. Jer ono što radimo je da uzimamo masnoću iz naših stražnjica i stavljamo je u naše obraze. (Smijeh) Na što će, nadam se za sto godina, ljudi gledati unatrag i reći, "Wow." 17:52 I mi usavršavamo, najopasnije, našu djecu. Dopustite mi da vam kažem što mislimo o djeci. Oni su predisponirani za borbu čim se pojave ovdje. I kada držite te male savršene bebe u vašim rukama, naš posao nije reći, "Pogledaj je, savršena je. Moj posao je održati je savršenom - pobrinuti se da uđe u tenisku ekipu do petog razreda i na Yale do sedmog razreda." To nije naš posao. Naš posao je pogledati i reći, "Znaš što? Ti se nesavršena, i predisponirana si za borbu, ali ti si dostojna ljubavi i pripadnosti." To je naš posao. Pokažite mi generaciju djece koja su odgojena na takav način, i mislim kako ćemo riješiti probleme današnjice. Pretvaramo se da ono što činimo nema utjecaja na ljude. Činimo to u našim osobnim životima. Radimo te korporativne - bilo da je izbavljenje, istjecanje nafte, povlačenje - pretvaramo se da to što radimo nema veliki utjecaj na druge ljude. Rekla bih kompanijama, to nije naš prvi rodeo ljudi. Tražimo od vas da budete autentični i stvarni i da kažete, "Žao nam je. Popravit ćemo to." 19:01 Ali postoji i drugi način, i ostavit ću vas s tim. Ovo je što sam otkrila: kako bismo dopustili sebi da budemo viđeni, duboko viđeni, ranjivo viđeni; kako bismo voljeli sa svim srcem, iako ne postoji nikakvo jamstvo - a to je uistinu teško, i mogu vam to reći kao roditelj, to je bolno teško - kako bismo prakticirali zahvalnost i radost u tim trenucima užasa, kada se pitamo, "Mogu li te voljeti toliko? Mogu li vjerovati u to sa toliko strašću? Mogu li biti bijesna zbog toga?" kako bi jednostavno bili sposobni stati i, umjesto katastrofiziranja što se moglo dogoditi, reći, "Jednostavno sam toliko zahvalna, jer osjećati se toliko ranjivom znači da sam živa." I posljednje, što je mislim najvažnije, je vjerovati da smo dovoljni. Jer kada radimo s mjesta koje, vjerujem, kaže, "Dovoljna sam," tada možemo prestati vrištati i početi slušati, ljubazniji smo i nježniji prema ljudima oko nas, i ljubazniji smo i nježniji do nas samih. 20:05 To je sve što imam. Hvala vam.