<p>I am neither a child psychologists nor a behavioral researcher, but a C++ programmer. Nevertheless I happen to have what I think is not a totally uninformed opinion on the matter, so here's my €0.02: </p>

<p>I think the biological mechanism at work here is intelligence. What children do is what you see among most of the social animals you can watch: dogs, crows, monkeys. They have a conflict (either over some resource or over their standing in the group), fight it out, and once it is solved, they will get along as if nothing ever happened. Only the members of very few, and rather intelligent, species will hold grudges against their peers. The big apes do, elephants do (although not as it is described in the old stories), crows do, dolphins might do. This is because holding grudges require a long-term strategy, long-term goals, and/or a system of morale and ethics. </p>

<p>If someone damaged your standing in the social hierarchy by taking away something from you, then this someone is threatening you climbing up one rung on the social ladder. Improving your place on the social ladder, however, is a long-term project. This is something apes work on for years, and humans work on for decades. You know that this person might forever be in your way if you let it get away with it, so you do need to fight this out. IMO, this is, if you cut it down to the bare bone, what holding grudges is about.</p>

<p>Of course, our societies are very complex even compared to those of the apes (you could switch your job and never run into that person again), and even the great apes have rather complex societies: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frans_de_Waal" rel="nofollow">Frans de Waal</a>, in his book <a href="http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674659216" rel="nofollow">Peacemaking among Primates</a>, describes how males chimpanzees pick their friends according to their political agenda ("If I manage to make Luke my mate, we could dethrone Harold, and while I might not be strong enough to be king myself, if Luke becomes king, he will have to give me a lot of freedom, or I'd side with Luke and dethrone him in turn."), while females stick to their preferences. ("I just don't like Lara. I never liked Lara. I will never like Lara. Lara is a bitch.") So it is not as simple as that. But I believe a lot of this is still in us, and this makes a big difference. </p>

<p>Morale and ethics, too, require intellect. De Waal argues that, to a certain extend, the great apes do have morale principles. He describes a scene where a new chimp was added to the group, and because he didn't know the rules yet (they <em>all</em> have to be indoors before <em>anyone</em> gets their evening meal), he caused everybody having to wait for their dinner. Knowing their chimps, once he was inside, in order to protect him, the humans overseeing the colony separated the one who caused the delay. However, they were very surprised that this didn't spare the poor chap a severe beating by the whole group when they met outside the next morning – because they remembered that the one individual did them wrong. IMO this is a perfect example of a scene that children up to a certain age will mostly have forgotten about in the morning, so they never act on what happened last night, let alone longer ago. </p>

<p>IIRC, human children only begin to overtake chimps intellectually when they are three or four. And, as I said before, our societies are much more complex than those of the other apes. So children have a lot to learn until they are able to have their own web of morale believes that resembles the one adult members of their society have. Until then, they just do not have enough knowledge to understand that someone did them wrong by their society's standards, or even to act upon that knowledge. </p>

<p>Of course, this is just one angle to look at the problem from, but it's the one that came to my mind immediately when I read your question. I am, however, very interested in what others will have to say about the issue. </p>

<p><sup>P.S.: For a very interesting different angle on apes vs. other social animals I suggest Mark Rowlands' <em><a href="http://openlibrary.org/books/OL23392887M/The_philosopher_and_the_wolf" rel="nofollow">The Philosopher and the Wolf</a></em>. (You do not have to be a dog lover to find this interesting.)</sup></p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2015-07-12T05:55:33.833Z
"...this is a perfect example of a scene that young children will mostly have forgotten about in the morning, so they never act on what happened last night, let alone longer ago." Support for this statement with appropriate (reputable) sources would make this a stronger answer. Personally, I believe preschoolers have very good memories, and that forgetfulness has little to do with this behavior.
anongoodnurse
CC BY-SA 3.0
2015-07-12T06:04:19.293Z
Sources are more helpful than straw men (the statement that a 3 day old does not have a memory is really quite a straw man. Of course they don't. What does that have to do with a 3 **year** old?
anongoodnurse
CC BY-SA 3.0
2015-07-13T09:35:50.183Z
I don't believe it's about *forgetfulness* (my 5yo regularly amazes me) - it's about *not carrying a grudge* as that is something we only learn later on, and let's face it: it's among the most counterproductive practices, we know this, yet still we do it. Adults are fools :-)
Torben Gundtofte-Bruun
CC BY-SA 3.0
2015-07-11T20:43:12.870Z
2015-07-13T08:23:46.923Z
sbi
<p>The key difference between children and adults in terms of forgiveness is <strong>the development</strong> of their emotional regulation and cognitive abilities.</p>
<p>Children have different brain development and cognitive abilities than adults, which can impact their ability to process and understand complex emotions and experiences. For example, young children have not fully developed their executive function abilities, which include regulating emotions and managing impulses, and as a result, they may have a more automatic and less reflective response to forgiveness. Additionally, children may not yet have developed the ability to hold grudges or to perceive the actions of others as intentional. As a result, they may have a tendency to forgive more quickly because they are not able to fully understand the situation or the motivations behind it. However, it is important to note that every child is unique and their capacity for forgiveness may be influenced by a variety of individual, cultural, and situational factors.</p>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2023-02-08T18:11:13.087Z
Please provide references for claims made.
Arnon Weinberg
CC BY-SA 4.0
2023-02-08T12:04:19.207Z
2023-02-08T12:04:19.207Z
Ian Hsiao
<p>Children have short memories. They can't remember that their "friend" of this moment was someone who hit them a few minutes ago.</p>

<p>They also have limited understanding of cause and effect. Most adults will "attack" each other (verbally or otherwise) for a reason. Young children don't understand that, and even if and when they hit each other, there's usually no reason or motivating force behind it.</p>

<p>This has a biological basis in children and adolescence, <a href="https://blogs.psychcentral.com/balanced-life/2014/07/ever-wonder-why-adolescents-make-such-bad-decisions/" rel="nofollow noreferrer">the underdevelopment of the pre-frontal cortex</a> specifically, and an imblance in the development of thinking processes, generally.</p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2015-07-14T01:10:28.160Z
2017-08-13T03:44:30.350Z
2017-08-13T03:44:30.350Z
Tom Au
<p>The short answer, kids live in the now.  They tend to forget everything quickly.  A child can be crying about their milk being spilled one moment, and playing the next.  They don't think as much about past or future, just what is happening now, and NOW is a big deal.  This can cause problems in some ways, but the plus side is they are quickly side tracked from whatever was bothering them before.</p>

<p>They don't hold grudges for the same reason you can make them forget how fun banging on the trashcan or drawing on the wall was.  The moment something is out of sight it's quickly forgotten.  The offense of 30 seconds ago don't matter, because that was back an eternity ago, and is not NOW.</p>

<p>That 'eternity ago' thing was only half a joke also.  It's been argued that children actually experience time different, because of their length of life and perspective.  A 2 year old has been alive for a tiny fraction as long as it's parent's have, it has less then a tenth the life experience.  However, since they measure time relative to the length of time they have been alive that means that 30 minutes feels like it's 10 times longer to them, because that 30 minutes actually makes up more then 10 times the amount of their life that it does for an adult.  If this is true it explains why a 15 minute wait is an eternity to a young child.  However, it also means that something that happened a day ago feels like it was weeks ago to a young child.  It's easier to forget pass offenses if it feels like they happened in some distant past of time.</p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2015-07-13T22:10:40.307Z
2015-07-14T13:27:17.807Z
dsollen
<p>Today I observed three children at a birthday party become involved in an extremely serious altercation including the use of (toy) weapons.  </p>

<p>Tears were dropping, threats issued, punches and kicks thrown and yet in the space of a few minutes the children had formed a new bond of friendship and were playing contendedly. </p>

<p>It made me consider the wider social impact; what is it that causes teenage/adult human beings to hold personal grievances and grudges for longer periods of time when children seem so willing to forget past transgressions? </p>

<p>I am sure there must be a biological mechanism at work from both the child and adult perspective so if any sociologists, child psychologists or behavioural researchers read this forum it would be great to get a detailed answer. </p>

<p>I suspect similar patterns of behaviour exist in other cub/child/young mammals in social groupings.  </p>

<behavior>
What is different between children and adults that cause children to forgive so quickly?
Venture2099
# What is different between children and adults that cause children to forgive so quickly?

(Asked by: username_0 on 2015-07-11)

Today I observed three children at a birthday party become involved in an extremely serious altercation including the use of (toy) weapons.

Tears were dropping, threats issued, punches and kicks thrown and yet in the space of a few minutes the children had formed a new bond of friendship and were playing contendedly.

It made me consider the wider social impact; what is it that causes teenage/adult human beings to hold personal grievances and grudges for longer periods of time when children seem so willing to forget past transgressions?

I am sure there must be a biological mechanism at work from both the child and adult perspective so if any sociologists, child psychologists or behavioural researchers read this forum it would be great to get a detailed answer.

I suspect similar patterns of behaviour exist in other cub/child/young mammals in social groupings.

**Tags:** behavior


---

## 4 answers

### Answer by username_7 on 2015-07-13. Score: 3 | Accepted answer

The short answer, kids live in the now. They tend to forget everything quickly. A child can be crying about their milk being spilled one moment, and playing the next. They don't think as much about past or future, just what is happening now, and NOW is a big deal. This can cause problems in some ways, but the plus side is they are quickly side tracked from whatever was bothering them before.

They don't hold grudges for the same reason you can make them forget how fun banging on the trashcan or drawing on the wall was. The moment something is out of sight it's quickly forgotten. The offense of 30 seconds ago don't matter, because that was back an eternity ago, and is not NOW.

That 'eternity ago' thing was only half a joke also. It's been argued that children actually experience time different, because of their length of life and perspective. A 2 year old has been alive for a tiny fraction as long as it's parent's have, it has less then a tenth the life experience. However, since they measure time relative to the length of time they have been alive that means that 30 minutes feels like it's 10 times longer to them, because that 30 minutes actually makes up more then 10 times the amount of their life that it does for an adult. If this is true it explains why a 15 minute wait is an eternity to a young child. However, it also means that something that happened a day ago feels like it was weeks ago to a young child. It's easier to forget pass offenses if it feels like they happened in some distant past of time.


---

### Answer by username_1 on 2015-07-11. Score: 1

I am neither a child psychologists nor a behavioral researcher, but a C++ programmer. Nevertheless I happen to have what I think is not a totally uninformed opinion on the matter, so here's my €0.02:

I think the biological mechanism at work here is intelligence. What children do is what you see among most of the social animals you can watch: dogs, crows, monkeys. They have a conflict (either over some resource or over their standing in the group), fight it out, and once it is solved, they will get along as if nothing ever happened. Only the members of very few, and rather intelligent, species will hold grudges against their peers. The big apes do, elephants do (although not as it is described in the old stories), crows do, dolphins might do. This is because holding grudges require a long-term strategy, long-term goals, and/or a system of morale and ethics.

If someone damaged your standing in the social hierarchy by taking away something from you, then this someone is threatening you climbing up one rung on the social ladder. Improving your place on the social ladder, however, is a long-term project. This is something apes work on for years, and humans work on for decades. You know that this person might forever be in your way if you let it get away with it, so you do need to fight this out. IMO, this is, if you cut it down to the bare bone, what holding grudges is about.

Of course, our societies are very complex even compared to those of the apes (you could switch your job and never run into that person again), and even the great apes have rather complex societies: [Frans de Waal](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frans_de_Waal), in his book [Peacemaking among Primates](http://www.hup.harvard.edu/catalog.php?isbn=9780674659216), describes how males chimpanzees pick their friends according to their political agenda ("If I manage to make Luke my mate, we could dethrone Harold, and while I might not be strong enough to be king myself, if Luke becomes king, he will have to give me a lot of freedom, or I'd side with Luke and dethrone him in turn."), while females stick to their preferences. ("I just don't like Lara. I never liked Lara. I will never like Lara. Lara is a bitch.") So it is not as simple as that. But I believe a lot of this is still in us, and this makes a big difference.

Morale and ethics, too, require intellect. De Waal argues that, to a certain extend, the great apes do have morale principles. He describes a scene where a new chimp was added to the group, and because he didn't know the rules yet (they *all* have to be indoors before *anyone* gets their evening meal), he caused everybody having to wait for their dinner. Knowing their chimps, once he was inside, in order to protect him, the humans overseeing the colony separated the one who caused the delay. However, they were very surprised that this didn't spare the poor chap a severe beating by the whole group when they met outside the next morning – because they remembered that the one individual did them wrong. IMO this is a perfect example of a scene that children up to a certain age will mostly have forgotten about in the morning, so they never act on what happened last night, let alone longer ago.

IIRC, human children only begin to overtake chimps intellectually when they are three or four. And, as I said before, our societies are much more complex than those of the other apes. So children have a lot to learn until they are able to have their own web of morale believes that resembles the one adult members of their society have. Until then, they just do not have enough knowledge to understand that someone did them wrong by their society's standards, or even to act upon that knowledge.

Of course, this is just one angle to look at the problem from, but it's the one that came to my mind immediately when I read your question. I am, however, very interested in what others will have to say about the issue.

P.S.: For a very interesting different angle on apes vs. other social animals I suggest Mark Rowlands' *[The Philosopher and the Wolf](http://openlibrary.org/books/OL23392887M/The_philosopher_and_the_wolf)*. (You do not have to be a dog lover to find this interesting.)

> **Comments:**
> **username_2**: "...this is a perfect example of a scene that young children will mostly have forgotten about in the morning, so they never act on what happened last night, let alone longer ago." Support for this statement with appropriate (reputable) sources would make this a stronger answer. Personally, I believe preschoolers have very good memories, and that forgetfulness has little to do with this behavior.  
> **username_2**: Sources are more helpful than straw men (the statement that a 3 day old does not have a memory is really quite a straw man. Of course they don't. What does that have to do with a 3 **year** old?  
> **username_3**: I don't believe it's about *forgetfulness* (my 5yo regularly amazes me) - it's about *not carrying a grudge* as that is something we only learn later on, and let's face it: it's among the most counterproductive practices, we know this, yet still we do it. Adults are fools :-)  

---

### Answer by username_4 on 2023-02-08. Score: 0

The key difference between children and adults in terms of forgiveness is **the development** of their emotional regulation and cognitive abilities.

Children have different brain development and cognitive abilities than adults, which can impact their ability to process and understand complex emotions and experiences. For example, young children have not fully developed their executive function abilities, which include regulating emotions and managing impulses, and as a result, they may have a more automatic and less reflective response to forgiveness. Additionally, children may not yet have developed the ability to hold grudges or to perceive the actions of others as intentional. As a result, they may have a tendency to forgive more quickly because they are not able to fully understand the situation or the motivations behind it. However, it is important to note that every child is unique and their capacity for forgiveness may be influenced by a variety of individual, cultural, and situational factors.

> **Comments:**
> **username_5**: Please provide references for claims made.  

---

### Answer by username_6 on 2015-07-14. Score: -1

Children have short memories. They can't remember that their "friend" of this moment was someone who hit them a few minutes ago.

They also have limited understanding of cause and effect. Most adults will "attack" each other (verbally or otherwise) for a reason. Young children don't understand that, and even if and when they hit each other, there's usually no reason or motivating force behind it.

This has a biological basis in children and adolescence, [the underdevelopment of the pre-frontal cortex](https://blogs.psychcentral.com/balanced-life/2014/07/ever-wonder-why-adolescents-make-such-bad-decisions/) specifically, and an imblance in the development of thinking processes, generally.


---

