<p>Why does it hurt that others have more than we do? Buddhism states that unsatisfactoriness (dukkah) is the cause of suffering and while I think this is truly insightful, it is also of course not a scientific observation. Evolutionary, since money signifies status we will suffer a loss in status when the relative gap to those that we compare ourselves to get a higher salary increase even if we also get a (smaller) increase. I think it's basically the same driving force that makes apes want to become the alpha male etc, so having a disposition that makes us strive for a climb on the social ladder has had a great adaptive value in the evolutionary process.</p>
<p>So that's some sort of explanation why this might be the case, but the more interesting question to me is how to counter this when we suffer in our own lives, because it's not always that the best thing for us is to invest even more in our careers in order to climb on the social ladder, and it might not always be possible. So how to deal with this?</p>
<p>Buddhism offers meditation as a part of the solution. In modern times, this has been developed into mindfulness practice which can arguably help with accepting issues such as this. I think that the basic idea here would be to train yourself to note any thoughts and feelings about this issue, and then letting them go so you're not affected by them as strongly.</p>
<p>Another solution comes from the stoicism of ancient Greece and Rome, which can be said to reconfigure our thoughts about such issues in order to achieve equanimity and tranquility. Personally, I've had some success in this regard with techniques from stoicism. Cognitive behavioural therapy (especially the cognitive part) can be said to be a modern adaptation of ancient stoicism, and also aims to change the way we think by questioning our underlying assumptions. I think this is where Ray Butterworth in the other answer is coming from.</p>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2022-05-13T13:58:24.730Z
2022-05-13T13:58:24.730Z
JonB
<p>To &quot;<em>make them feel better</em>&quot; would be to treat a symptom, not a cause.</p>
<p>In this case, the problem results from holding one or both of these underlying beliefs:</p>
<ul>
<li>Life is <em>fair</em>.</li>
<li>I personally <em>deserve</em> a better life.</li>
</ul>
<p>Neither belief is true.</p>
<p>You might be able to disabuse them, but don't expect that they will necessarily feel better.</p>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2022-04-26T13:09:05.290Z
Hi Ray, is this a personal opinion, or is it based on established treatments / coping strategies?
AliceD
CC BY-SA 4.0
2022-04-26T13:24:13.807Z
@AliceD, no, this is perhaps not a high quality answer, so feel free to delete it. ¶ It's simply my observation that most unhappiness, frustration, anger, etc. is caused by underlying false beliefs about how life works.  Dealing with those feelings generally doesn't help; determining what causes those feelings does. ¶ There's also the question's aim of making them "feel better".  If that were the main goal, prescribing lots of drugs would be a reasonable solution, but that shouldn't be the main goal. Making someone with a broken arm feel better shouldn't be the goal. (Again, only my opinion.)
Ray Butterworth
CC BY-SA 4.0
2022-04-27T06:22:01.460Z
Thanks for your post. To me, it feels rather like explanation than an answer.
Like your comment above :-)
Peter Pan
CC BY-SA 4.0
2022-04-27T13:06:47.570Z
@PeterPan, right, it's not an answer to the question itself.  It's a suggestion for how to look at the problem. ¶ That other people earn more than I do isn't the problem; that it bothers *me* is (e.g. the most deserving, hardest working people in the world will never approach Elon Musk's income). So *why* do I care; what false belief do I have that causes me to care so much about this *particular* reality of life (significantly more than global war, famine, and disease)? How did I learn that false belief; how can I unlearn it? What *other* false beliefs do I hold; how are *they* misleading me?
Ray Butterworth
CC BY-SA 4.0
2022-04-25T15:33:01.500Z
2022-04-25T15:33:01.500Z
Ray Butterworth
<p>If we know that our colleagues earn more money, we feel worse (see also <a href="https://psychology.stackexchange.com/questions/1449/a-study-about-preference-for-making-relatively-vs-absolute-more-money">A study about preference for making relatively vs. absolute more money?</a>).
We would be unhappy to get a higher salary if other people's raise is even higher.</p>
<p>Similarly, our emotion is controlled by the framing effect (see <a href="https://psychology.stackexchange.com/questions/7727/how-higher-lower-taxes-can-affect-reward-system-and-overall-satisfaction-of-some">How higher/lower taxes can affect reward system and overall satisfaction of someone</a>).</p>
<p>Is there a way out? What can we tell people who suffer from this effect? What would make them feel better?</p>

<emotion><economics><happiness>
How to care less about other people's income?
Peter Pan
# How to care less about other people's income?

(Asked by: username_0 on 2022-04-24)

If we know that our colleagues earn more money, we feel worse (see also [A study about preference for making relatively vs. absolute more money?](https://psychology.stackexchange.com/questions/1449/a-study-about-preference-for-making-relatively-vs-absolute-more-money)).
We would be unhappy to get a higher salary if other people's raise is even higher.

Similarly, our emotion is controlled by the framing effect (see [How higher/lower taxes can affect reward system and overall satisfaction of someone](https://psychology.stackexchange.com/questions/7727/how-higher-lower-taxes-can-affect-reward-system-and-overall-satisfaction-of-some)).

Is there a way out? What can we tell people who suffer from this effect? What would make them feel better?

**Tags:** emotion, economics, happiness


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## 2 answers

### Answer by username_1 on 2022-05-13. Score: -1

Why does it hurt that others have more than we do? Buddhism states that unsatisfactoriness (dukkah) is the cause of suffering and while I think this is truly insightful, it is also of course not a scientific observation. Evolutionary, since money signifies status we will suffer a loss in status when the relative gap to those that we compare ourselves to get a higher salary increase even if we also get a (smaller) increase. I think it's basically the same driving force that makes apes want to become the alpha male etc, so having a disposition that makes us strive for a climb on the social ladder has had a great adaptive value in the evolutionary process.

So that's some sort of explanation why this might be the case, but the more interesting question to me is how to counter this when we suffer in our own lives, because it's not always that the best thing for us is to invest even more in our careers in order to climb on the social ladder, and it might not always be possible. So how to deal with this?

Buddhism offers meditation as a part of the solution. In modern times, this has been developed into mindfulness practice which can arguably help with accepting issues such as this. I think that the basic idea here would be to train yourself to note any thoughts and feelings about this issue, and then letting them go so you're not affected by them as strongly.

Another solution comes from the stoicism of ancient Greece and Rome, which can be said to reconfigure our thoughts about such issues in order to achieve equanimity and tranquility. Personally, I've had some success in this regard with techniques from stoicism. Cognitive behavioural therapy (especially the cognitive part) can be said to be a modern adaptation of ancient stoicism, and also aims to change the way we think by questioning our underlying assumptions. I think this is where username_2 in the other answer is coming from.


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### Answer by username_2 on 2022-04-25. Score: -1

To "*make them feel better*" would be to treat a symptom, not a cause.

In this case, the problem results from holding one or both of these underlying beliefs:

* Life is *fair*.
* I personally *deserve* a better life.

Neither belief is true.

You might be able to disabuse them, but don't expect that they will necessarily feel better.

> **Comments:**
> **username_3**: Hi Ray, is this a personal opinion, or is it based on established treatments / coping strategies?  
> **username_2**: @username_3, no, this is perhaps not a high quality answer, so feel free to delete it. ¶ It's simply my observation that most unhappiness, frustration, anger, etc. is caused by underlying false beliefs about how life works.  Dealing with those feelings generally doesn't help; determining what causes those feelings does. ¶ There's also the question's aim of making them "feel better".  If that were the main goal, prescribing lots of drugs would be a reasonable solution, but that shouldn't be the main goal. Making someone with a broken arm feel better shouldn't be the goal. (Again, only my opinion.)  
> **username_0**: Thanks for your post. To me, it feels rather like explanation than an answer. Like your comment above :-)  
> **username_2**: @PeterPan, right, it's not an answer to the question itself.  It's a suggestion for how to look at the problem. ¶ That other people earn more than I do isn't the problem; that it bothers *me* is (e.g. the most deserving, hardest working people in the world will never approach Elon Musk's income). So *why* do I care; what false belief do I have that causes me to care so much about this *particular* reality of life (significantly more than global war, famine, and disease)? How did I learn that false belief; how can I unlearn it? What *other* false beliefs do I hold; how are *they* misleading me?  

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