<blockquote>
  <p>How can the mind be trained to accept ongoing mental or emotional
  suffering?</p>
</blockquote>

<p><strong>Experiential avoidance: avoiding what we don't like</strong></p>

<p>From the lens of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the process of regressing to a favourable past experience of escapism would be a maladaptive response to <em>experiential avoidance</em>. We avert our attention and stray away from the very things that cause us distress, e.g. we shift our attention to favourable past experiences with previous relationships when we are fighting with our loved ones in the present. We avoid the very things we need to deal with by distracting ourselves with other behaviours.</p>

<p>Experiential avoidance is defined as (EA; Hayes, Strohsahl, Wilson et al., 2004):</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>... [an] unwillingness to experience feelings, thoughts and sensations as
  well as attempts to alter them.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>For example, to avoid feeling loathe and resentment for their partner, a person resorts to seemingly pleasurable activities like gambling and drinking.</p>

<p><strong>Mindfulness and psychological flexibility: seeing things the way they are</strong></p>

<p><em>How do we then train the mind to address behaviours that arise from experiential avoidance?</em></p>

<p>The model of <strong>psychological flexibility</strong> is a good starting point in understand how to address ongoing distress, both physical and mental. The theory of psychological flexibility is around cultivating a sustained capability to observe experiences non-judgmentally while committing to value-driven activities (Masuda et al., 2011):</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>it is an overall behavior pattern of experiencing whatever one is
  experiencing as it is fully and non-judgmentally without excessive
  defense (i.e., mindfulness), while engaging in value-directed
  activities at the same time (i.e., commitment to actions).</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Firstly, in the context of a loveless marriage, the mental training involved would be around cultivating mindfulness to observe the experiences that cause the craving for 'mental and physical pleasures'. To see things clearly is paramount. The descriptor 'loveless' is not an indicator of factual evidence that a relationship is slowly dissolving. Recognising how one uses language and how it affects cognition is important in practicing mindfulness.</p>

<p>Secondly, values are the key catalyst for behavioural change. By systematically seeing things as they are through non-judgmental awareness, one can train their mind in focusing on acting in-line with <em>'what truly matters to them'</em>. This has eudaemonic roots but has practical implications for psychological flexibility. Consider this very simple hypothetical example:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>X believes that he or she is in a 'loveless' marriage. This causes X a
  lot of  psychological distress, e.g. X feels anxious and hopeless
  about the future with Y (partner). This anxiety manifests in thoughts
  such as 'I don't love Y. Why am I with Y?'. This is the language
  component that considerably causes a high amount of distress for X. X
  recognises the distress he/she feels and learns to become
  non-judgmentally aware and accepts that these thoughts and emotions
  for what they are. X identifies the values in his life that holds
  dear. As a result, X finds that he has greater clarity around how he
  should behave - he wants to be in a committed and flourishing
  relationship and does not want to resort to seemingly pleasurable
  activites, e.g. excessive alcohol, cheating etc.</p>
</blockquote>

<p><strong>Freedom in experiencing and choosing</strong></p>

<p>So the key to accepting ongoing mental or emotional suffering is to acknowledge them non-judgmentally and recognise any avoidant behaviours that are arising. Regarding the loveless marriage, the same concept applies: be aware of the thoughts and feelings causing the avoidant behaviours, tap into your values (i.e. for a better marriage, better relationship) and act accordingly to those values. Thus, rather than consumed in mental and physical pleasures - one has the freedom to take a step back and respond to their needs rather than react to ongoing emotional turmoil. This is by no means passive resignation.</p>

<p><strong>Additional: Simple explanation on mindfulness and values</strong></p>

<p>As humans, our thoughts and feelings seem like the only source of truth in understanding ourselves and the world. However, we can get caught up in thoughts and feelings believing that they are true when they are not. This is where mindfulness and values are important. </p>

<p>Mindfulness refers to non-judgmental awareness of our thoughts, feelings and experiences. In some ways, we become <strong>observers</strong> of our thoughts and feelings and we "take a step back" rather than act on them instantly. Some of these thoughts can cause behaviours where we avoid addressing how we feel rather than sort them out. For example, assume that X has a thought - "She/He never wants to have sex. I'm so frustrated about this." Because of this, X might go and cheat on his/her partner. This is the <strong>avoidant behaviour:</strong> X behaves in a way that he/she does <strong>not</strong> address how he/she feels or is thinking. Therefore, practicising mindfulness may help us recognise how we feel and think and not act so quickly.</p>

<p>What next? Well, clear <strong>values</strong> help us know <strong>how</strong> we want to behave. X may realise that his/her value is to have loving, intimate and sexual relationship with someone he/she cares about. He/she may then decide to communicate with his/her partner about the problem or decide to move on. Either way, X behaves according to his/her values and not simply how he/she feels.</p>

<hr>

<p><strong>References</strong></p>

<ul>
<li>Hayes, S.C., Strohsahl, K., Wilson, K.G., et al. (2004). Measuring
experiential avoidance. A preliminary test of a working model.
Psychological Record, 54, 553–578.</li>
<li>Masuda, A., Anderson, P.L., Wendell, J.W., Choi, Y.Y., Price, M. &amp; Feinstein, A.B. (2011). Psychological flexibility mediates the relations between self-concealment and negative psychological outcomes. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(2), 243-247.</li>
</ul>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T09:06:02.193Z
You said: `be aware of the thoughts and feelings causing the avoidant behaviours, tap into your values (i.e. for a better marriage, better relationship) and act accordingly to those values. Thus, rather than consumed in mental and physical pleasures - one has the freedom to take a step back and respond to their needs rather than react to ongoing emotional turmoil.` Could you be more kind enough to explain this part in somewhat detail and simple english, please.
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T10:22:40.687Z
Absolutely. I'm a little busy at the moment but will endeavour to explain for you. I'll add some further information about dealing with values in the context of acceptance of the partner and yourself when I write my response.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T10:23:08.000Z
Please be patient and I'll elaborate on the answer.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T13:19:05.123Z
@user462608 Please refer to the end of my original answer. I've added an explanation around the part you referred to in your initial comment. Let me know if you need me to clarify further.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T02:42:20.120Z
2013-10-09T13:17:43.477Z
2013-10-09T13:17:43.477Z
coeus
<p>I have a chronic illness and my experience is that acceptance is a function of giving up the hope that someone/something will save me and/or the hope that the world will magically re-allocate resources to compensate for the injustice of my injury. Removing these thought consuming loops forces the brain to explore new options that are more realistic.</p>

<p>So it might a function of learning to inhibit the seductive fantasies of rescue.</p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-08T19:52:46.217Z
2013-10-08T19:52:46.217Z
Annette Simmons
<p>We have physical, emotional and mental needs and wants; some tangible, some intangible.</p>

<p>In the case where we know that some of our needs and/or wants are not going to be met; how can the mind be trained to accept the reality with an ongoing craving, learn to accept the reality and live with it, as opposed to escaping within one's imagination dreaming of the past or the future?</p>

<p><strong>For example:</strong></p>

<p>In a committed relationship where one person is not receiving romantic, emotional and sexual pleasures, how can that person learn to accept these facts without continually fantasising and desiring these pleasures with someone else?</p>

CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-08T06:27:49.147Z
@JeromyAnglim Can we reword this simply as "How to make the mind "accept" the reality and live with it?" OR you think this still not making sense?
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-08T06:34:07.310Z
I imagine a general question around the psychology of "acceptance" would potentially be on topic, perhaps contextualised within the context of marriage. Perhaps give a few edits a go and see what other sites users think.
Jeromy Anglim
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-08T08:21:52.280Z
@JeromyAnglim I have made a change. Is it generalized now?
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-08T08:50:24.837Z
I'm not sure whether others will think it is on topic, but I appreciate that you have edited it to make it not self help. I've re-opened just to give it some attention.
Jeromy Anglim
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-08T08:54:56.777Z
@JeromyAnglim `I'm not sure whether others will think it is on topic,` Why do you still think so? Please tell so that it can be edited further.
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-08T12:14:20.523Z
It's just a sense. Let's see how it goes. I'm sure your willingness to edit your question to try to make it a useful general resource will be well received.
Jeromy Anglim
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T01:14:49.377Z
This is highly related to the topic of anxiety and I would go as far as saying rumination (i.e. future-oriented thoughts). Plus, 'experiential avoidance' would be relevant too. I think the question is coherent. I would suggest defining what some examples of 'mental and physical pleasures' are.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T02:02:00.773Z
@ThinksALot Mental and emotional, both, refer to mind. I'd say the title should be written as "emotional and physical". What do you say?
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T02:45:16.997Z
I have provided an answer to the question but have made reference to some cases involving "mental and physical pleasures". Please provide some specific examples and I will revise where necessary.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T05:34:11.847Z
@ThinksALot I understand your point now. You are saying what I meant to say.
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T05:35:28.603Z
@coeus By mental pleasure, I was referring to the "feeling" of love on the part of your partner, and by physical affection I meant sex resulting out of sheer love.
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T05:44:15.827Z
@coeus please read affection as pleasure above.
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T05:53:41.413Z
@user462608 In that case, it seems that the question and the question in the example are contrasting - one is asking how to accept 'mental or emotional suffering'. the other is asking how to accept cravings or pleasures. Which ones are we referring for the scope of the question?
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T05:57:04.913Z
@coeus Seems I haven't expressed myself clearly. Not a native English speaker am I - will try again: The question is - how to accept that you are not going to get any emotional pleasures like romance and sex, so it is important to live with this fact rather than live in a imaginative world where you dream of having sex with someone else.  ----- Am I clear now?
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:02:18.470Z
@user462608 Great, that's much more clearer. I understood it as: how do we deal with the mental and emotional suffering that arises from a loveless relationship and the regressing thoughts that come with it.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:03:22.063Z
@coeus If the original question doesn't state this clearly, please edit it.
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:19:16.190Z
I have edited the example with the above feedback to make the question more clearer to other users.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:21:30.643Z
@coeus That's a great edit!
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:24:53.940Z
@ThinksALot What was wrong with the edit? Or was it accidental?
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:26:59.283Z
@ThinksALot I do appreciate your effort in the other question, but I need some time to read it and the links in it, "throughly". BTW, I was wondering why no one besides me has upvoted it. You have provided references, so why aren't there many upvotes?
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:40:24.853Z
@ThinksALot It isn't only about you. I've noticed in may other questions that answers are referenced but haven't received many upvotes. :( That's discouraging.
Aquarius_Girl
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T06:57:17.990Z
@ThinksALot That makes sense. I believe that the edit was necessary based on the feedback that was provided by the OP as per above. The edit was reflective of the clarification provided by the OP without distorting the intent of the question. Thank you.
coeus
CC BY-SA 3.0
2013-10-09T09:12:42.320Z
@ThinksALot All good. What you did was perfectly fine :)
coeus
<social-psychology><emotion><clinical-psychology>
How can the mind be trained to accept ongoing mental or emotional suffering?
Aquarius_Girl
# How can the mind be trained to accept ongoing mental or emotional suffering?

(Asked by: username_0 on 2013-10-08)

We have physical, emotional and mental needs and wants; some tangible, some intangible.

In the case where we know that some of our needs and/or wants are not going to be met; how can the mind be trained to accept the reality with an ongoing craving, learn to accept the reality and live with it, as opposed to escaping within one's imagination dreaming of the past or the future?

**For example:**

In a committed relationship where one person is not receiving romantic, emotional and sexual pleasures, how can that person learn to accept these facts without continually fantasising and desiring these pleasures with someone else?

**Tags:** social-psychology, emotion, clinical-psychology

> **Comments:**
> **username_0**: @JeromyAnglim Can we reword this simply as "How to make the mind "accept" the reality and live with it?" OR you think this still not making sense?  
> **username_1**: I imagine a general question around the psychology of "acceptance" would potentially be on topic, perhaps contextualised within the context of marriage. Perhaps give a few edits a go and see what other sites users think.  
> **username_0**: @JeromyAnglim I have made a change. Is it generalized now?  
> **username_1**: I'm not sure whether others will think it is on topic, but I appreciate that you have edited it to make it not self help. I've re-opened just to give it some attention.  
> **username_0**: @JeromyAnglim `I'm not sure whether others will think it is on topic,` Why do you still think so? Please tell so that it can be edited further.  
> **username_1**: It's just a sense. Let's see how it goes. I'm sure your willingness to edit your question to try to make it a useful general resource will be well received.  
> **username_2**: This is highly related to the topic of anxiety and I would go as far as saying rumination (i.e. future-oriented thoughts). Plus, 'experiential avoidance' would be relevant too. I think the question is coherent. I would suggest defining what some examples of 'mental and physical pleasures' are.  
> **username_0**: @ThinksALot Mental and emotional, both, refer to mind. I'd say the title should be written as "emotional and physical". What do you say?  
> **username_2**: I have provided an answer to the question but have made reference to some cases involving "mental and physical pleasures". Please provide some specific examples and I will revise where necessary.  
> **username_0**: @ThinksALot I understand your point now. You are saying what I meant to say.  
> **username_0**: @username_2 By mental pleasure, I was referring to the "feeling" of love on the part of your partner, and by physical affection I meant sex resulting out of sheer love.  
> **username_0**: @username_2 please read affection as pleasure above.  
> **username_2**: @user462608 In that case, it seems that the question and the question in the example are contrasting - one is asking how to accept 'mental or emotional suffering'. the other is asking how to accept cravings or pleasures. Which ones are we referring for the scope of the question?  
> **username_0**: @username_2 Seems I haven't expressed myself clearly. Not a native English speaker am I - will try again: The question is - how to accept that you are not going to get any emotional pleasures like romance and sex, so it is important to live with this fact rather than live in a imaginative world where you dream of having sex with someone else.  ----- Am I clear now?  
> **username_2**: @user462608 Great, that's much more clearer. I understood it as: how do we deal with the mental and emotional suffering that arises from a loveless relationship and the regressing thoughts that come with it.  
> **username_0**: @username_2 If the original question doesn't state this clearly, please edit it.  
> **username_2**: I have edited the example with the above feedback to make the question more clearer to other users.  
> **username_0**: @username_2 That's a great edit!  
> **username_2**: @ThinksALot What was wrong with the edit? Or was it accidental?  
> **username_0**: @ThinksALot I do appreciate your effort in the other question, but I need some time to read it and the links in it, "throughly". BTW, I was wondering why no one besides me has upvoted it. You have provided references, so why aren't there many upvotes?  
> **username_0**: @ThinksALot It isn't only about you. I've noticed in may other questions that answers are referenced but haven't received many upvotes. :( That's discouraging.  
> **username_2**: @ThinksALot That makes sense. I believe that the edit was necessary based on the feedback that was provided by the OP as per above. The edit was reflective of the clarification provided by the OP without distorting the intent of the question. Thank you.  
> **username_2**: @ThinksALot All good. What you did was perfectly fine :)  

---

## 2 answers

### Answer by username_2 on 2013-10-09. Score: 5

> How can the mind be trained to accept ongoing mental or emotional
> suffering?

**Experiential avoidance: avoiding what we don't like**

From the lens of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the process of regressing to a favourable past experience of escapism would be a maladaptive response to *experiential avoidance*. We avert our attention and stray away from the very things that cause us distress, e.g. we shift our attention to favourable past experiences with previous relationships when we are fighting with our loved ones in the present. We avoid the very things we need to deal with by distracting ourselves with other behaviours.

Experiential avoidance is defined as (EA; Hayes, Strohsahl, Wilson et al., 2004):

> ... [an] unwillingness to experience feelings, thoughts and sensations as
> well as attempts to alter them.

For example, to avoid feeling loathe and resentment for their partner, a person resorts to seemingly pleasurable activities like gambling and drinking.

**Mindfulness and psychological flexibility: seeing things the way they are**

*How do we then train the mind to address behaviours that arise from experiential avoidance?*

The model of **psychological flexibility** is a good starting point in understand how to address ongoing distress, both physical and mental. The theory of psychological flexibility is around cultivating a sustained capability to observe experiences non-judgmentally while committing to value-driven activities (Masuda et al., 2011):

> it is an overall behavior pattern of experiencing whatever one is
> experiencing as it is fully and non-judgmentally without excessive
> defense (i.e., mindfulness), while engaging in value-directed
> activities at the same time (i.e., commitment to actions).

Firstly, in the context of a loveless marriage, the mental training involved would be around cultivating mindfulness to observe the experiences that cause the craving for 'mental and physical pleasures'. To see things clearly is paramount. The descriptor 'loveless' is not an indicator of factual evidence that a relationship is slowly dissolving. Recognising how one uses language and how it affects cognition is important in practicing mindfulness.

Secondly, values are the key catalyst for behavioural change. By systematically seeing things as they are through non-judgmental awareness, one can train their mind in focusing on acting in-line with *'what truly matters to them'*. This has eudaemonic roots but has practical implications for psychological flexibility. Consider this very simple hypothetical example:

> X believes that he or she is in a 'loveless' marriage. This causes X a
> lot of psychological distress, e.g. X feels anxious and hopeless
> about the future with Y (partner). This anxiety manifests in thoughts
> such as 'I don't love Y. Why am I with Y?'. This is the language
> component that considerably causes a high amount of distress for X. X
> recognises the distress he/she feels and learns to become
> non-judgmentally aware and accepts that these thoughts and emotions
> for what they are. X identifies the values in his life that holds
> dear. As a result, X finds that he has greater clarity around how he
> should behave - he wants to be in a committed and flourishing
> relationship and does not want to resort to seemingly pleasurable
> activites, e.g. excessive alcohol, cheating etc.

**Freedom in experiencing and choosing**

So the key to accepting ongoing mental or emotional suffering is to acknowledge them non-judgmentally and recognise any avoidant behaviours that are arising. Regarding the loveless marriage, the same concept applies: be aware of the thoughts and feelings causing the avoidant behaviours, tap into your values (i.e. for a better marriage, better relationship) and act accordingly to those values. Thus, rather than consumed in mental and physical pleasures - one has the freedom to take a step back and respond to their needs rather than react to ongoing emotional turmoil. This is by no means passive resignation.

**Additional: Simple explanation on mindfulness and values**

As humans, our thoughts and feelings seem like the only source of truth in understanding ourselves and the world. However, we can get caught up in thoughts and feelings believing that they are true when they are not. This is where mindfulness and values are important.

Mindfulness refers to non-judgmental awareness of our thoughts, feelings and experiences. In some ways, we become **observers** of our thoughts and feelings and we "take a step back" rather than act on them instantly. Some of these thoughts can cause behaviours where we avoid addressing how we feel rather than sort them out. For example, assume that X has a thought - "She/He never wants to have sex. I'm so frustrated about this." Because of this, X might go and cheat on his/her partner. This is the **avoidant behaviour:** X behaves in a way that he/she does **not** address how he/she feels or is thinking. Therefore, practicising mindfulness may help us recognise how we feel and think and not act so quickly.

What next? Well, clear **values** help us know **how** we want to behave. X may realise that his/her value is to have loving, intimate and sexual relationship with someone he/she cares about. He/she may then decide to communicate with his/her partner about the problem or decide to move on. Either way, X behaves according to his/her values and not simply how he/she feels.

---

**References**

* Hayes, S.C., Strohsahl, K., Wilson, K.G., et al. (2004). Measuring
  experiential avoidance. A preliminary test of a working model.
  Psychological Record, 54, 553–578.
* Masuda, A., Anderson, P.L., Wendell, J.W., Choi, Y.Y., Price, M. & Feinstein, A.B. (2011). Psychological flexibility mediates the relations between self-concealment and negative psychological outcomes. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(2), 243-247.

> **Comments:**
> **username_0**: You said: `be aware of the thoughts and feelings causing the avoidant behaviours, tap into your values (i.e. for a better marriage, better relationship) and act accordingly to those values. Thus, rather than consumed in mental and physical pleasures - one has the freedom to take a step back and respond to their needs rather than react to ongoing emotional turmoil.` Could you be more kind enough to explain this part in somewhat detail and simple english, please.  
> **username_2**: Absolutely. I'm a little busy at the moment but will endeavour to explain for you. I'll add some further information about dealing with values in the context of acceptance of the partner and yourself when I write my response.  
> **username_2**: Please be patient and I'll elaborate on the answer.  
> **username_2**: @user462608 Please refer to the end of my original answer. I've added an explanation around the part you referred to in your initial comment. Let me know if you need me to clarify further.  

---

### Answer by username_3 on 2013-10-08. Score: 2

I have a chronic illness and my experience is that acceptance is a function of giving up the hope that someone/something will save me and/or the hope that the world will magically re-allocate resources to compensate for the injustice of my injury. Removing these thought consuming loops forces the brain to explore new options that are more realistic.

So it might a function of learning to inhibit the seductive fantasies of rescue.


---

