<p>那<strong>之后</strong>因为<strong>不再不停地吃</strong>巧克力，我开始<strong>变瘦</strong>了。并<strong>不是</strong>某天起床后我发现自己魔法般瘦了下来，<strong>而是月来日往</strong>，我的身体逐渐改变，从一开始的胖女孩，变成了小美女。我当时<strong>并不是很懂</strong>，所以<strong>这种减肥药即便是朋友也没有告诉过</strong>，又<strong>因为</strong>我去看过好几次医生，所以对那一次也没有多想。现在我了解社会对胖子的态度，<strong>人们</strong>对他们有时候不友好，甚至有些残忍。但现在<strong>几乎</strong>谁都能像我一样减肥，所以除了最穷的人外，我们差不多<strong>消灭</strong>了胖子。</p>

<p>Comments：</p>

<p>题主自言本习作语言运用更大胆，自然错漏不通之处也更频繁可见了。</p>

<p>从此前的故事来看，这里讲的是注射药物后的事情，最好用<strong>之后</strong>，由此应该用<strong>不再</strong>而不是<strong>没有</strong>。</p>

<p>客观上不吃巧克力才能让我变瘦，而主观上不<strong>渴望</strong>与其因果关系更远。</p>

<p><strong>我开始减肥</strong>表达的是“我开始采取行动去控制体重”这件事，而事实上体重减轻应该用<strong>变瘦</strong>。</p>

<p><strong>如魔法般的</strong>已经表达了<strong>像</strong>的含义，所以不应该以<strong>并不像</strong>发语，而是<strong>并不是</strong>。</p>

<p>虽然都是转折关系，但是<strong>反而</strong>指与上文意思相反，或是指出乎意料的转折，此处否一是二的意图应该用“不是……<strong>而是</strong>……”的关联词。</p>

<p>虽然都表示时间的流逝，但<strong>久而久之</strong>侧重时间流逝后事物变化的结果，而<strong>日来月往</strong>这样的词，侧重随着时间的流逝，事物变化的过程。此处显然想要表达“随着时间推移我的身体渐渐改变”这件事。</p>

<p><strong>并不是很懂</strong>这个说法比较自然。</p>

<p><strong>对于</strong>一词引入了语病，句子的宾语丢掉了，所以要去掉。</p>

<p>因果关系。<strong>因为</strong>我看过好几次医生了，所以对于特定的那次没有什么特别的注意。</p>

<p><strong>他们</strong>对<strong>他们</strong>不友好？同一个句子同样的指示代词不宜二指。</p>

<p>矛盾。既然<strong>谁都能</strong>像我一样减肥，为何又说<strong>除了最穷的人</strong>呢？要加<strong>几乎</strong>二字。</p>

<p>要表达你的那重意思，<strong>消灭</strong>是更贴切的说法，其与时事相合，用这个词大家一听就知道什么意思。</p>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-15T02:02:56.383Z
"日来月往"和"月来日往"一样吗？
Becky 李蓓
CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-15T02:07:15.370Z
The same thing.QwQ
Toosky Hierot
CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-15T02:59:15.327Z
月来日往 is archaic/very old-fashioned. It sounds stilted when you put it into a mondern context.
dan
CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-14T18:24:45.547Z
2019-12-14T18:58:10.003Z
2019-12-14T18:58:10.003Z
Toosky Hierot
<p>Continuing from parts <a href="https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35746/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-and-the-revolutionary-new-technology">1</a>, <a href="https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35763/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-was-fat-when-she-was-young">2</a>, <a href="https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35780/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwangs-father-takes-her-to-the-doctor">3</a>, <a href="https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35870/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-gets-an-injection-from-the-doctor">4</a>, and <a href="https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/36003/writing-critique-request-the-almost-imperceptible-effects-of-zhou-ziwangs-inje">5</a>:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>那时候因为没有不断的渴望吃巧克力等，所以我开始减肥了。并不像我一天起床后就发现了我<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E5%A6%82%E9%AD%94%E6%B3%95%E8%88%AC" rel="nofollow noreferrer">如魔法般</a>地变瘦那样，反而<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E4%B9%85%E8%80%8C%E4%B9%85%E4%B9%8B" rel="nofollow noreferrer">久而久之</a>，我的身体越来越改变。从最初胖女孩的样子，我终于获得了健康的体重。对人人来说，<a href="http://%E7%B1%BB%E4%BC%BC%E4%BA%8E" rel="nofollow noreferrer">类似于</a>毛毛虫变成蝴蝶，我逐渐变成小美女了。我当时没有那么知道的，所以对于这种减肥药连朋友都没告诉过，而其实我好几次去看医生，所以我对那一次没有多想。现在我了解社会对胖子的态度，他人有时候不友好甚至也许<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E6%AE%8B%E5%BF%8D" rel="nofollow noreferrer">残忍</a>地对待他们。但是现在谁都能像我一样减肥，所以除了最穷的人，我们差不多<a href="http://youdao.com/w/%E6%B6%88%E9%99%A4" rel="nofollow noreferrer">消除</a>了胖子。</p>
</blockquote>

<p>Please critique my writing. New words for me are in links. I'm at an "almost mastered HSK4" level.  The narrative is from a person in the present (Zhou Ziwang 周子望) describing her unusual past.</p>

<p>I tried to be a bit more adventurous with my writing this time, with more sophisticated grammar.  The last sentence was the most difficult for me, so here's an English translation:</p>

<blockquote>
  <p>But now everyone can lose weight the same way I did, so except for the poorest people, we've basically eliminated fat people.</p>
</blockquote>

<p>It's fiction: if you're thinking "hmm... that sounds a bit like genocide", then I'm doing it right.  For those who haven't realized it yet, I'm heading towards a moral conflict between technology vs. individuality.  However, it's not straightforward to check if I'm successfully conveying a "kinda genocide-y feel" in my writing.</p>

<p>(Part of the reason for doing this is because standardized texts are <em>incredibly</em> boring, e.g. "How do you go about achieving success?" or "How did Wang Jing settle her dispute over buying a refrigerator?" ...zzzZZZ.)</p>

CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-15T01:00:36.830Z
对人人来说 is incorrect. Maybe you meant 对人来说(to human beings)?
dan
CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-15T02:23:08.883Z
Thanks.  Perhaps 对他人来说 or 对别人来说 is even better, something like "from other people's perspective".
Becky 李蓓
CC BY-SA 4.0
2019-12-15T02:54:13.857Z
在别人看来 or 在别人眼里(in others ' view) is what you intend to mean?
dan
<writing-critique>
Writing critique request: Zhou Ziwang loses weight, just like everyone else nowadays
# Writing critique request: Zhou Ziwang loses weight, just like everyone else nowadays

(Asked by: username_0 on 2019-12-14)

Continuing from parts [1](https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35746/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-and-the-revolutionary-new-technology), [2](https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35763/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-was-fat-when-she-was-young), [3](https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35780/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwangs-father-takes-her-to-the-doctor), [4](https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/35870/writing-critique-request-zhou-ziwang-gets-an-injection-from-the-doctor), and [5](https://chinese.stackexchange.com/questions/36003/writing-critique-request-the-almost-imperceptible-effects-of-zhou-ziwangs-inje):

> 那时候因为没有不断的渴望吃巧克力等，所以我开始减肥了。并不像我一天起床后就发现了我[如魔法般](http://youdao.com/w/%E5%A6%82%E9%AD%94%E6%B3%95%E8%88%AC)地变瘦那样，反而[久而久之](http://youdao.com/w/%E4%B9%85%E8%80%8C%E4%B9%85%E4%B9%8B)，我的身体越来越改变。从最初胖女孩的样子，我终于获得了健康的体重。对人人来说，[类似于](http://%E7%B1%BB%E4%BC%BC%E4%BA%8E)毛毛虫变成蝴蝶，我逐渐变成小美女了。我当时没有那么知道的，所以对于这种减肥药连朋友都没告诉过，而其实我好几次去看医生，所以我对那一次没有多想。现在我了解社会对胖子的态度，他人有时候不友好甚至也许[残忍](http://youdao.com/w/%E6%AE%8B%E5%BF%8D)地对待他们。但是现在谁都能像我一样减肥，所以除了最穷的人，我们差不多[消除](http://youdao.com/w/%E6%B6%88%E9%99%A4)了胖子。

Please critique my writing. New words for me are in links. I'm at an "almost mastered HSK4" level. The narrative is from a person in the present (Zhou Ziwang 周子望) describing her unusual past.

I tried to be a bit more adventurous with my writing this time, with more sophisticated grammar. The last sentence was the most difficult for me, so here's an English translation:

> But now everyone can lose weight the same way I did, so except for the poorest people, we've basically eliminated fat people.

It's fiction: if you're thinking "hmm... that sounds a bit like genocide", then I'm doing it right. For those who haven't realized it yet, I'm heading towards a moral conflict between technology vs. individuality. However, it's not straightforward to check if I'm successfully conveying a "kinda genocide-y feel" in my writing.

(Part of the reason for doing this is because standardized texts are *incredibly* boring, e.g. "How do you go about achieving success?" or "How did Wang Jing settle her dispute over buying a refrigerator?" ...zzzZZZ.)

**Tags:** writing-critique

> **Comments:**
> **username_1**: 对人人来说 is incorrect. Maybe you meant 对人来说(to human beings)?  
> **username_0**: Thanks.  Perhaps 对他人来说 or 对别人来说 is even better, something like "from other people's perspective".  
> **username_1**: 在别人看来 or 在别人眼里(in others ' view) is what you intend to mean?  

---

## 1 answers

### Answer by username_2 on 2019-12-14. Score: 1 | Accepted answer

那**之后**因为**不再不停地吃**巧克力，我开始**变瘦**了。并**不是**某天起床后我发现自己魔法般瘦了下来，**而是月来日往**，我的身体逐渐改变，从一开始的胖女孩，变成了小美女。我当时**并不是很懂**，所以**这种减肥药即便是朋友也没有告诉过**，又**因为**我去看过好几次医生，所以对那一次也没有多想。现在我了解社会对胖子的态度，**人们**对他们有时候不友好，甚至有些残忍。但现在**几乎**谁都能像我一样减肥，所以除了最穷的人外，我们差不多**消灭**了胖子。

Comments：

题主自言本习作语言运用更大胆，自然错漏不通之处也更频繁可见了。

从此前的故事来看，这里讲的是注射药物后的事情，最好用**之后**，由此应该用**不再**而不是**没有**。

客观上不吃巧克力才能让我变瘦，而主观上不**渴望**与其因果关系更远。

**我开始减肥**表达的是“我开始采取行动去控制体重”这件事，而事实上体重减轻应该用**变瘦**。

**如魔法般的**已经表达了**像**的含义，所以不应该以**并不像**发语，而是**并不是**。

虽然都是转折关系，但是**反而**指与上文意思相反，或是指出乎意料的转折，此处否一是二的意图应该用“不是……**而是**……”的关联词。

虽然都表示时间的流逝，但**久而久之**侧重时间流逝后事物变化的结果，而**日来月往**这样的词，侧重随着时间的流逝，事物变化的过程。此处显然想要表达“随着时间推移我的身体渐渐改变”这件事。

**并不是很懂**这个说法比较自然。

**对于**一词引入了语病，句子的宾语丢掉了，所以要去掉。

因果关系。**因为**我看过好几次医生了，所以对于特定的那次没有什么特别的注意。

**他们**对**他们**不友好？同一个句子同样的指示代词不宜二指。

矛盾。既然**谁都能**像我一样减肥，为何又说**除了最穷的人**呢？要加**几乎**二字。

要表达你的那重意思，**消灭**是更贴切的说法，其与时事相合，用这个词大家一听就知道什么意思。

> **Comments:**
> **username_0**: "日来月往"和"月来日往"一样吗？  
> **username_2**: The same thing.QwQ  
> **username_1**: 月来日往 is archaic/very old-fashioned. It sounds stilted when you put it into a mondern context.  

---

