As I have mentioned a few times in recent posts, I seem to be going through a relatively smooth part of my sober journey right now. The thought of drinking is far away and hand on heart, mostly seems very alien. I feel calm and at peace, joyous and grateful and my world seems to be expanding by the second. Keith over at Tiny White Box described addiction like being trapped in a dark, shrinking world and being under siege as it closes in on us, something I definitely sign my name to. Now that I am sober, it is the absolute opposite, unsurprisingly. I nearly wrote “suddenly” but there is nothing particularly sudden about it, so I’ll rephrase: NOW I’m finding myself able to pursue passions and opportunities are beginning to open up to me, little by little. I’m finding that I am capable of committing even when what I commit to requires more than a short burst of my energy. I have rediscovered how amazing it feels when you are kind to yourself, not just emotionally but physically too – I’m getting fit and last night after I’d collected hubby from the airport he turned to me and said “Anna, you’re looking really well“. It doesn’t bloody matter, does it, how we look on the outside, but when it’s a result of living better and recovering the person we were always meant to be, it’s fucking nice to hear.
A little puffed up with pride (this old gal is a sucker for compliments) I took a little look later in the bathroom mirror. He’s right, you know. My skin is looking much brighter than it used to. And my eyes too. But you know, I reckon so much of that comes from inside – I think my whole posture has changed in sobriety. I look up, for starters! Keen to seek eye contact and engage, as opposed to hiding away in my shrinking, dark world of addiction where I am all alone. Who knows, perhaps if you compared my skin now to my skin then, there’d be no discernible difference? Maybe it’s my energy that has changed and is shining through. Anyway, it doesn’t matter – all I know is that when I look in the mirror now, I see Anna. I see myself again. Welcome back, Me – I didn’t realise how much I’d missed you until I got you back.
Yes, this part of the journey seems to be almost laughably easy and this week has brought such good things with it that I feel so good about, not least the fact that I can now run over 7k without keeling over. It’s nice, it’s peaceful, I feel happy and I feel hopeful.
I also know that the only thing that stands between this magical, expanding world and being under siege is one glass of wine. No, I don’t want to and no, I don’t think about it. But I also know lots of people and have heard lots of stories of long term sobriety that suddenly crashes right back into the darkest depths of addiction. Just like that. And I also know that I am wired the way I’m wired – I know the bat shit crazy stuff my alcoholic brain has convinced me to do in the past, and even though RIGHT NOW that seems foreign and makes me shudder, I know I could end up there again oh so easily. It’s fucking insane. Clawing your way out of addiction is like fighting off a massive dragon with a toothpick instead of a sword, yet to fall back into it you just need to raise one tiny little drink to your lips. Fuck me. Sober Me, are you taking notes here? Capital letters please and put it up somewhere you’ll see it every day.
Or how about a tattoo? On my wrist perhaps. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Someone had NDTD for Never Doubt The Decision. I like that, but I need one that feels right for me. A sobriety symbol but not sure I want the circle with a triangle. Something though that will always remind me in case I keep having these nice patches of smooth sailing so often I end up forgetting where I once was. Just need to figure out what it should be but as with so much in life, I think the answer to this will become clear somehow.
Today I’m not going to drink.