Oh! I forgot to mention that you left me wanting more. I really wanted to get more details from their past, more on Slytherins thoughts. Maybe even a few more moments of their friendship before everything went south. You write the Founders very well! I'll have to see if you have written about them in other fics as well ;)
I really liked how you slowly built to telling the reader who the narrator was. In the beginning it could have been anyone from Hogwarts (I actually thought of Hagrid upon reading the summary). As the story progressed it became clearer who was speaking, and the spacing out of this information was wonderful. I was a bit confused during the him, her part, though I can't think of any way of doing it better.
I think the best part of this one-shot is your portrayal of Slytherin. Most people make him out to be this evil, heartless person (kind of hard not to after learning about the Chamber of Secrets...), but you painted him in a very different light. You could see why he and Gryffindor might have been friends, so excellent job there! Also, the detail to imagery you used in the flashback where Slytherin first meets Gryffindor was beautiful =D Fantastic job!
Ha ha ha! I should go over to LJ and cut and paste my review from over there in here. This really was a magnificently written work my dear. You are now on my "favorite autors" list and I'm going to start working through you other fics.
I decided that this should actually look like a real review, so here's what I said about it on your LJ for those who didn't read it there:
This one was fabulous by the way! Although I was slightly confused in the flashback about naming the school. Was Godric the one who named it? The one putting charms on the pigs? or was that Salazar? Throw a book at me if I'm being dense. I'm probably missing an important detail. But really, I loved how you kept the identities secret until the end. And the emotions were really good!
What a lovely story you have there, Liz! =)
The way you start describing the country is quite effective in easing the reader in a complicated story. For your story is quite complex, and that makes it interesting and different than other fics. I like how you alternate from past to future and back again. It's a great way to let the reader see the story from both sides, and make their own opinions and judgements. Doing it this way also foreshadowed the end. We knew in the second before last section that the main character is one of the Four Founders, but we never would have expected that it be Salazar.
He's an often overlooked character. Not many people write him, because he's so distant to us, so strange and surreal. We don't know how to get on with writing someone like him. He was a Slytherin, we know that. And he had some blood racism going on too. But apart frrom that, there's not much that aids us in writing him. You've approached him splendidly, and have gone far and beyond in capturing his feelings and views.
You also have an advantage in using strong words that convey those feelings. You have a nice play on words going on, and you say what you want in a short amount of space. You control the story; you don't let it control you.
Many authors fall into their story, and they want to make things work out so much, that they'll try anything to perfect it. Eventually, their story disintegrates, and they lose it. You, however, have control over your story, and you don't let it restrict your writing.
I can see that you've spent quite a while on your story, because that seeps through it and we readers can tell. You must have done either a lot of planning to have it flow through, or it came naturally.
The close of this beautiful one shot is final, satisfying and truly inspiring.
Fantastic job, dear.
One of the hardest parts of writing is one-shots is the technique of leaving the story ambiguous, and yet keeping the reader’s interest, even without providing a specific character. You do a very good job of this; though I spent most of the first half trying to figure out who you were writing about, the ambiguity never caused me to lose interest. You also managed to transition successfully between time periods without totally confusing me. I am easily confused by time changes, so this was very well done.
You use a couple of interesting techniques in here – the ambiguity and time changes, of course, but also the way you refer to the characters by their hair color; this was a very clever way of allowing us to differentiate between them without ever having to mention their names. My one problem was that we are never actually told who has what hair color, either in canon or in your one shot. Unless I’m forgetting some obscure canon reference (which, of course, is quite possible), I think it tends to be a fanon thing, in which people automatically assume that Hufflepuff is blond, Ravenclaw is dark, and Gryffindor is red-headed. Adding a further association between their hair color and their best known trait (for example, referring to Hufflepuff as gentle, or sweet) might help the reader be sure of whom you are talking.
A few nitpicks, before I get to the more important stuff. Be careful about your ellipses (…). Ellipses can be a very strong tool when used sparingly, but when overdone they tend to distract the reader. Use them in moderation, and they will be more effective. “He remembered her tears as she begged him not to go, but he was adamant--he had seen the look in his eyes and knew that if he stayed, he would die. Before him, before her, came himself.” I found this part rather confusing – too many pronouns. I know you’re avoiding the use of proper names, and you do it very well for the majority of the story. In this part, however, I found myself getting lost in the ambiguity – I had to work very hard to figure out who you were talking about. You should try to make the act of reading as effortless as possible for the reader – you want them paying attention to what you’re saying, not trying to poke your words apart. You might try clarifying the pronouns, not necessarily with proper names, but with other characteristics. If by “her” you mean Ravenclaw, refer to her as “his lover” or something. (At least, I think you had set up Ravenclaw and Slytherin as lovers, though I wasn’t really sure.) Or if by “his eyes” you mean Gryffindor’s eyes, say “his friend’s eyes” – otherwise we think you’re referring to Slytherin.
Overall, I think this is well written story, and you have a lot of potential. I love the overall theme – I’m a great fan of the friendship between Gryffindor and Slytherin, and you portray it very well. I’d like to see a bit more of the reasons for which Slytherin left, but you do a great job of showing that no matter who made the mistakes, they were still friends, and they still cared for each other. The scene about the naming of Hogwarts was humorous and poignant at the same time – you gave an amusing depiction, and yet at the same time you showed an essential bit of characterization and the dynamic between the four friends. The ending was lovely as well – I love the way that you suddenly pull back from the narrative. You’ve been showing us Slytherin’s thoughts through the entire piece, and at the end you distance the narrative from Slytherin, showing us only his actions, which are themselves strong enough to finish the story. It’s a lovely example of showing, and the transition is done perfectly. Good job, and I hope to read more of yours.
I've never read anything like this. It's a great story!
This is truly profound.
I had to read the beginning several times because I wanted to figure out who the man was before you said so at the end, and I went in the wrong direction for a while. I got there eventually, though ;) ! I really like this piece because it stands alone--you could add to it, but there isn't an overwhelming urge to know more. It does what a short story is supposed to do. So many one-shots are either begging for sequels or are trying so hard to stand on their own that I don't develop interest in the characters. This story has neither of those problems.
Sniff.. aww that was encrable.. ive wanted to read somethign like this for a very long time... it was wonderfuly bitter sweet and very resalic- angery dose slow over time..