Assuming You Want To Change Your Partner.
Everyone says you can’t change your partner and you shouldn’t even try.
You have to accept it, flaws and all.
While it is fundamentally true that you cannot learn to change your partner (as he needs to change himself), there are ways to influence someone else’s behavior.
These 5 easy steps not only increase the likelihood of behavior change, but also bring couples closer together.
1 . Understand What Is Causing the Lack of Change
Behavioral patterns are very rarely endgames in themselves.
There is usually something deeper causing the unit to act in the same way over and over again.
For example, if your boyfriend parties every night – staying up late and drinking too much alcohol to his own detriment – there’s more to it than just being “immature.”
Telling him to “grow up” won’t force him to change, and worse, it will probably tear the two of you apart.
Instead, ask him what he’s getting out of the party.
Are you doing this to relax?
To alleviate some anxiety?
To avoid liability?
Try to come from a place that really tries to understand the motivation behind the behavior before you even try to change it.
2 . Repeat Twice And Then Give Advice
Advice usually doesn’t work to change someone else’s behavior, for a variety of reasons.
This often seems to sound critical, encouraging the other person to delve into their current behavior.
But once you’ve taken the time to understand what’s causing the lack of change, you can offer suggestions that address the deeper problem.
This version of advice is harder for the other person to resist because they themselves have named the deeper issue and identified it as a problem.
To make your suggestions even more powerful, restate your deeper understanding of the subject to your satisfaction before offering any advice on changes.
Reaffirming your own words will make you feel heard and understood, not judged.
Updating works great to spark changes.
3 . Model The Behaviors You Would Like To See
Advice tends to be our primary method for helping someone else act differently, but there is a much more effective way to inspire change.
That way, you model the behaviors you would like to see.
Modeling works exceptionally well for three reasons:
- It’s showing, it’s not telling. This shows your partner in practical terms how he could do things differently.
- It’s positive, not negative. This sends the message “See what you could start doing” instead of “Why don’t you stop doing this?”
- It is rooted in our physiology. We all have mirror neurons in our brains that make us naturally inclined to imitate the people we like. If your partner likes you, he will naturally be inclined to adopt the behaviors he sees in you.
As an example, if you want your husband to be more adventurous, go on adventures.
Show him how taking risks can be fun.
He’ll also feel inspired to have fun, and best of all, he’ll think it was all his idea.
4 . Set Limits
Accepting a partner’s destructive behaviors isn’t always the most careful thing you can do.
If his behavior is really harmful to himself or is putting you at risk, it’s time to set some firm boundaries.
Setting boundaries means that you simply stop accepting certain behaviors.
And that means the relationship is at risk if the boundary is crossed.
The key to setting boundaries is to make it absolutely clear – both in your mind and in the other person – what you will and will not accept.
For example, if your husband likes to drive extremely fast, don’t just say, “Don’t drive extremely fast.”
Make it clear: what specifically does “extremely fast” mean?
Does this only apply when you are in the car or all the time?
Does it also apply on remote roads where there is little danger to drive fast?
Be clear with your limits.
And be careful to only set firm boundaries around things that really matter.
You are putting the entire relationship at risk, after all.
5 . Be Open To Changing Yourself
There is nothing that makes another person more willing to change than seeing you embrace change.
If you know you have a habit your partner really doesn’t like, make an effort to work on it.
The effort he sees that you put into improving yourself will be an inspiration and soften your heart to change yourself.
Remember, the two of you are in this relationship together, as equals.
Don’t ask your partner anything that you wouldn’t be willing to do alone.
It is true that you cannot change another person – he can only change himself.
But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to inspire change.