JJ’s little sister, Alicia, turned 21 yesterday. She loves to give me shit about me being old, although I did win a small victory. A few years ago I told JJ that while Alicia was out at 4am taking her 21st shot, I didn’t want to be at home, also awake, except up to my elbows in shit filled diapers. Granted, I’m only a few months away from that, but the point still stands– I wasn’t that old on her 21st birthday.
So as Alicia embarks upon drunken weekend after drunken weekend, what have my weekends evolved into? Babies-R-Us.
We made our first pilgrimage last Saturday night. We decided not to register that night and instead use it as a first pass research trip. It’s a good thing too, since we weren’t really as focused on specific decisions as we were in general awe of the sheer amount of baby related shit out there to buy.
“Is that ‘Baby’s First Toilet Brush’?”
That one drew not just looks, but full on comments from anyone in the near area. In hindsight, I think the two margaritas at dinner were just enough to raise the volume of my voice. Apparently the device was for scrubbing baby bottles, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t look like a miniature toilet brush.
“What? It could have been for the training potty.” I retorted to stunned onlookers before being forcefully dragged by Meg into the next section.
The next section contained breastfeeding bras (complete with Janet Jackson quick access panel), “breast shells”, and a rather creepy looking milking device. As I inquisitively reached for one of the suction cups Meg once again forcefully decided it was time to move on. Fear not, I’m sure I’ll have another blog entry in the future on breastfeeding, since the phrase “milk my wife” is entirely too funny to ignore.
We reached what was lovingly described as a “grooming” section. If the… uh, utensils weren’t colored pastel yellow, blue, and pink, I’d have been sure I stumbled into the seventh ring of hell. With as much as I exaggerate, I’m not far off the mark on this one, as the majority of these devices were designed to be inserted into at least one orifice on the child’s body. We saw nasal aspirators, which is a fancy term for a vacuum with a tube attached to it, a rubber thimble with a brush on it for brushing the kid’s teeth, and a digital thermometer (three guesses where that one gets stuck). I apologized to Meg’s growing stomach in advance and we moved on.
The car seat and stroller were two of the more challenging items to evaluate. Both came in a variety of sizes, features, brand names, and naturally, prices. Yes, I did say brand name, as Eddie Bauer has a line of car seats. I’m told Coach also makes diaper bags, but I digress.
They were a bit heavier than I anticipated. I tried to one hand taking a stroller off of a raised platform and learned very quickly that these aren’t exactly made of lightweight materials. I informed more stunned shoppers that I was testing the unit’s durability as Meg hid her head in shame.
My head was entirely in the wrong place. Meg was determining whether or not it would be feasible to one-handedly collapse and store the stroller, understanding that she would likely have to do this with a baby on the other arm. I, unsurprisingly, was wooed by the models that contained anything electronic, succumbing to my normal attitude of “More buttons is better.”
I’m very disappointed to find that baby bumper cars are no longer deemed safe. Not that I remember mine, but it just looks fun to be suspended in a round car based on the Flintstones Propulsion Mechanic (i.e. your feet stick out the bottom and you just run). In their place they have a similar toy, whereas instead of moving you can rotate around inside of the ring and have toys scattered around it. A bit disappointed, I still like the idea, and was having fun until one of my durability tests resulted in me being removed from the section.
We ended the trip by looking at bedding. Nothing for me to break or play with, so I really don’t have much to say on that one.
Perhaps I’ve been brainwashed by my own old age, but it was actually a lot of fun. Neither of us realized just how much there is to buy, but at least now we’ll be more prepared when we go to register (sorry Jenn, you don’t get to use the scanner gun this time). It’s just going to be a matter of deciding between things we need and things that I just want to play with.