tomorrow i'll be able to say that on the day after tomorrow... on the day after the day, after tomorrow, we can go home, tomorrow.

T-AH0 M-AA1 R-OW2 IH1-L B-IY1 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 S-EY1 DH-AE1 T-AA1-N DH-AH0 D-EY1 AE1-F T-ER0 T-AH0 M-AA1 R-OW2 AA1-N DH-AH0 D-EY1 AE1-F T-ER0 DH-AH0 D-EY1 AE1-F T-ER0 T-AH0 M-AA1 R-OW2 W-IY1 K-AE1-N G-OW1 HH-OW1-M T-AH0 M-AA1 R-OW2


oh good, i can hear someone washing up in the crap-

OW1 G-UH1 D-AY1 K-AE1-N HH-IY1-R S-AH1 M-W-AH2 N-W-AA1 SH-IH0 NG-AH1 P-IH0-N DH-AH0 K-R-AE1-P


van. it must be getting on for 12 now. so we've got 12 more hours-

V-AE1 N-IH1 T-M-AH1-S-T B-IY1 G-EH1 T-IH0 NG-AA1-N F-AO1-R T-W-EH1-L V-N-AW1 S-OW1 W-IY1-V G-AA1-T T-W-EH1-L V-M-AO1 R-AW1 ER0-Z


today. 24 on wednesday-

T-AH0 D-EY1 T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 F-AO1 R-AA1 N-W-EH1-N-Z D-IY0


24 on friday. 24 on saturday, and about 12 on sunday.

T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 F-AO1 R-AA1-N F-R-AY1 D-IY0 T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 F-AO1 R-AA1-N S-AE1 T-ER0 D-IY0 AH0-N D-AH0 B-AW1-T T-W-EH1-L V-AA1-N S-AH1-N D-EY2


that's about a hundred. that's a hundred-and-twenty hours. i'll check.

TH-AE1-T S-AH0 B-AW1 T-AH0 HH-AH1-N D-R-AH0-D TH-AE1-T S-AH0 HH-AH1-N D-R-AH0 D-AE2-N T-IH0 D-IY0 AW1 ER0 Z-IH1-L CH-EH1-K


i do a sum in the diary. yes i'm right.

AY1 D-UW1 AH0 S-AH1 M-IH0-N DH-AH0 D-AY1 ER0 IY0 Y-EH1 S-IH1 M-R-AY1-T


i've got a clock from the crapper van... 6:30.

AY1-V G-AA1 T-AH0 K-L-AA1-K F-R-AH1-M DH-AH0 K-R-AE1 P-ER0 V-AE1-N S-IH1-K-S TH-ER1 D-IY0


tuesday. i've just come home from a deer museum.

T-UW1-Z D-IY0 AY1-V JH-AH1-S-T K-AH1-M HH-OW1-M F-R-AH1 M-AH0 D-IH1-R M-Y-UW0 Z-IY1 AH0-M


it was okay. mum, not speaking to anyone-

IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-OW2 K-EY1 M-AH1-M N-AA1-T-S P-IY1 K-IH0-NG T-UW1 EH1 N-IY0 W-AH2-N


i went for a walk with [slossha 00:08:34] yesterday-

AY1 W-EH1-N-T F-AO1 R-AH0 W-AO1 K-W-IH1-DH S-L-AA1 SH-AH0 Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0 Z-EY1 T-M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 F-AO1-R S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-Y-EH1-S T-ER0 D-EY2


and she said mum smashed her in the face, and gave her a nosebleed.

AH0-N-D SH-IY1 S-EH1 D-M-AH1-M S-M-AE1-SH-T HH-ER0 IH0-N DH-AH0 F-EY1 S-AH0-N-D G-EY1-V HH-ER0 AH0 N-OW1-Z B-L-IY2-D


i can hear the the noises in the crapper van, but i can't decipher the words.

AY1 K-AE1-N HH-IY1-R DH-AH0 DH-AH0 N-OY1 Z-IH0 Z-IH0-N DH-AH0 K-R-AE1 P-ER0 V-AE1-N B-AH1 T-AY1 K-AE1-N-T D-IH0 S-AY1 F-ER0 DH-AH0 W-ER1-D-Z


the couple in the next tent are beating their kids up. one's two, and one's about five.

DH-AH0 K-AH1 P-AH0 L-IH0-N DH-AH0 N-EH1-K-S-T T-EH1-N T-AA1-R B-IY1 T-IH0-NG DH-EH1-R K-IH1-D Z-AH1 P-W-AH1-N-Z T-UW1 AH0-N D-W-AH1-N Z-AH0 B-AW1-T F-AY1-V


and they're doing a routine in the pleasant's courtyard between now and monday, if you want to try and catch that. they're doing their own-

AH0-N-D TH-EH1-R D-UW1 IH0 NG-AH0 R-UW0 T-IY1 N-IH0-N DH-AH0 P-L-EH1 Z-AH0-N-T-S K-AO1-R T-Y-AA2-R-D B-IH0 T-W-IY1-N N-AW1 AH0-N D-M-AH1-N D-IY0 IH1 F-Y-UW1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 T-R-AY1 AH0-N-D K-AE1-CH DH-AE1-T TH-EH1-R D-UW1 IH0-NG DH-EH1 R-OW1-N


06:34... still got ages left in this shitty, crappo country. i apologize.

S-IH1-K-S TH-ER1 D-IY0 F-AO1-R-S T-IH1-L G-AA1 T-EY1 JH-AH0 Z-L-EH1-F T-IH0-N DH-IH1-S SH-IH1 T-IY2 K-R-AE1 P-OW0 K-AH1-N T-R-IY0 AY1 AH0 P-AA1 L-AH0 JH-AY2-Z


and i was writing... this is in a school exercise jotter, and i was writing marginalia to entertain myself-

AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1 Z-R-AY1 T-IH0-NG DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-IH0 N-AH0-S K-UW1 L-EH1-K S-ER0 S-AY2-Z JH-AA1 T-ER0 AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1 Z-R-AY1 T-IH0-NG M-AA2-R JH-AH0 N-AA1 L-IY0 AH0 T-UW1 EH2-N T-ER0 T-EY1-N M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F


in addition to annotate the original text-

IH0 N-AH0 D-IH1 SH-AH0-N T-UW1 AE1 N-AH0 T-EY2-T DH-AH0 ER0 IH1 JH-AH0 N-AH0-L T-EH1-K-S-T


the marginalia on this page reads. i hate scotland-

DH-AH0 M-AA2-R JH-AH0 N-AA1 L-IY0 AH0 AA1-N DH-IH1-S P-EY1 JH-R-IY1-D Z-AY1 HH-EY1-T-S K-AA1 T-L-AH0-N-D


i want to go home. scotland's not for me.

AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 G-OW1 HH-OW1-M-S K-AA1 T-L-AH0-N-D Z-N-AA1-T F-AO1-R M-IY1


deer are nice. that's about it for scotland though, the deers. crappy crappy here.

D-IH1 R-AA1-R N-AY1-S TH-AE1-T S-AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1-T F-AO1-R-S K-AA1 T-L-AH0-N-D DH-OW1 DH-AH0 D-IH1-R-Z K-R-AE1 P-IY2 K-R-AE1 P-IY2 HH-IY1-R


7:20, i've not had tea yet.

S-EH1 V-AH0-N T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 AY1 V-N-AA1-T HH-AE1-D T-IY1 Y-EH1-T


i don't know how i'm going to manage for the rest of these holidays.

AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 HH-AW1 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 M-AE1 N-AH0-JH F-AO1-R DH-AH0 R-EH1-S T-AH1-V DH-IY1-Z HH-AA1 L-AH0 D-EY2-Z


7:40, slusher just kicked the tent. i presume it's tea time.

S-EH1 V-AH0-N F-AO1-R T-IY0 S-L-AH1 SH-ER0 JH-AH1-S-T K-IH1-K-T DH-AH0 T-EH1-N T-AY1 P-R-IH0 Z-UW1 M-IH1-T-S T-IY1 T-AY1-M


into the caravan i go, whoopee.

IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 K-AE1 R-AH0 V-AE2 N-AY1 G-OW1 W-UW1 P-IY1


i nearly put my hand on one of those huge spiders like that. can you see that? is that visible from there? that's big.

AY1 N-IH1-R L-IY0 P-UH1 T-M-AY1 HH-AE1-N D-AA1 N-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-OW1-Z HH-Y-UW1-JH-S P-AY1 D-ER0 Z-L-AY1-K DH-AE1-T K-AE1 N-Y-UW1 S-IY1 DH-AE1 T-IH1-Z DH-AE1-T V-IH1 Z-AH0 B-AH0-L F-R-AH1-M DH-EH1-R TH-AE1-T-S B-IH1-G


next, i had to help mum wash up.

N-EH1-K-S T-AY1 HH-AE1-D T-UW1 HH-EH1-L P-M-AH1 M-W-AA1 SH-AH1-P


she hadn't spoken to anyone for four days now. 9:45, mum's now speaking.

SH-IY1 HH-AE1 D-AH0-N-T-S P-OW1 K-AH0-N T-UW1 EH1 N-IY0 W-AH2-N F-AO1-R F-AO1-R D-EY1 Z-N-AW1 N-AY1-N F-AO1-R T-IY0 F-AY1 V-M-AH1-M Z-N-AW1-S P-IY1 K-IH0-NG


but not going home. 9:56-

B-AH1 T-N-AA1-T G-OW1 IH0-NG HH-OW1-M N-AY1-N F-IH1-F T-IY0 S-IH1-K-S


i don't know, scotland's not so bad.

AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1-S K-AA1 T-L-AH0-N-D Z-N-AA1-T S-OW1 B-AE1-D


25th of july, about 9:00 thursday. 75 hours left, nearly half over.

T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 F-IH1-F TH-AH1-V JH-UW2 L-AY1 AH0 B-AW1 T-N-AY1 N-AH0 K-L-AA1-K TH-ER1-Z D-EY2 S-EH1 V-AH0-N T-IY0 F-AY1 V-AW1 ER0 Z-L-EH1-F T-N-IH1-R L-IY0 HH-AE1 F-OW1 V-ER0


7:45, went to some boring gardens and got rid of five hours. to be honest-

S-EH1 V-AH0-N F-AO1-R T-IY0 F-AY1 V-W-EH1-N-T T-UW1 S-AH1-M B-AO1 R-IH0-NG G-AA1-R D-AH0-N Z-AH0-N-D G-AA1 T-R-IH1 D-AH1-V F-AY1 V-AW1 ER0-Z T-UW1 B-IY1 AA1 N-AH0-S-T


i'm looking forward to going home. i miss my bike, the tele, the cat.

IH1 M-L-UH1 K-IH0-NG F-AO1 R-W-ER0-D T-UW1 G-OW1 IH0-NG HH-OW1 M-AY1 M-IH1 S-M-AY1 B-AY1-K DH-AH0 T-EH1 L-IY0 DH-AH0 K-AE1-T


dad wants me to go and look at some rocks, but i don't particularly want to.

D-AE1 D-W-AA1-N-T S-M-IY1 T-UW1 G-OW1 AH0-N D-L-UH1 K-AE1-T S-AH1 M-R-AA1-K-S B-AH1 T-AY1 D-AA1-N-T P-AA2-R T-IH1 K-Y-AH0 L-ER0 L-IY0 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1


1:30, there's an army geezer outside mowing the grass.

W-AH1-N TH-ER1 D-IY0 T-IY1 HH-IY1 R-IH1 Z-AE1 N-AA1-R M-IY0 G-IY1 Z-ER0 AW1-T S-AY1 D-M-AW1 IH0-NG DH-AH0 G-R-AE1-S


1:45 and 30 seconds, he's gone now. i can get back to reading. 1:46, i'm reading.

W-AH1-N F-AO1-R T-IY0 F-AY1 V-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z HH-IY1-Z G-AO1-N N-AW1 AY1 K-AE1-N G-EH1-T B-AE1-K T-UW1 R-EH1 D-IH0 NG-W-AH1-N F-AO1-R T-IY0 S-IH1-K S-AY1 AE1 M-R-EH1 D-IH0-NG


2:15, this cow just took a bite out of my tent.

T-UW1 F-IH0-F T-IY1-N DH-IH1-S K-AW1 JH-AH1-S-T T-UH1 K-AH0 B-AY1 T-AW1 T-AH1 V-M-AY1 T-EH1-N-T


6:00, just got back from another castle.

S-IH1-K S-AH0 K-L-AA1-K JH-AH1-S-T G-AA1-T B-AE1-K F-R-AH1 M-AH0 N-AH1 DH-ER0 K-AE1 S-AH0-L


11:55, best news of the holiday. we're going home.

IH0 L-EH1 V-AH0-N F-IH1-F T-IY0 F-AY1-V B-EH1-S T-N-UW1 Z-AH1-V DH-AH0 HH-AA1 L-AH0 D-EY2 W-ER0 G-OW1 IH0-NG HH-OW1-M


i'll be home in eight hours, about 7:00 pm.

IH1-L B-IY1 HH-OW1 M-IH0 N-EY1 T-AW1 ER0 Z-AH0 B-AW1-T S-EH1 V-AH0-N P-IY1 EH1-M


all the clocks are stopped.

AO1-L DH-AH0 K-L-AA1-K S-AA1-R-S T-AA1-P-T


the floor creeks when you walk on it.

DH-AH0 F-L-AO1-R K-R-IY1-K S-W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 W-AO1 K-AA1 N-IH1-T


did i tell you, patricia [hanratty 00:02:29] fancies me.

D-IH1 D-AY1 T-EH1 L-Y-UW1 P-AH0 T-R-IH1 SH-AH0 HH-AE1 N-R-AH0 T-IY0 Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z T-UW1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 N-AY1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z F-AE1-N S-IY0 Z-M-IY1


i hate her. and that's the conclusion of my scottish enterprise. thanks very much.

AY1 HH-EY1-T HH-ER0 AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T-S DH-AH0 K-AH0-N K-L-UW1 ZH-AH0 N-AH1 V-M-AY1-S K-AA1 T-IH0 SH-EH1-N T-ER0 P-R-AY2-Z TH-AE1-NG-K-S V-EH1 R-IY0 M-AH1-CH


thank you so much. i bet loads of people are going, "ah, i burned my teenage diary." i shredded the-

TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1 S-OW1 M-AH1 CH-AY1 B-EH1 T-L-OW1-D Z-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AA1-R G-OW1 IH0 NG-AA1 AY1 B-ER1-N D-M-AY1 T-IY1 N-EY2-JH D-AY1 ER0 IY0 AY1 SH-R-EH1 D-AH0-D DH-AH0


but that note's still going, so i think if you're interested in going.

B-AH1-T DH-AE1 T-N-OW1-T-S-S T-IH1-L G-OW1 IH0-NG S-OW1 AY1 TH-IH1-NG K-IH1 F-Y-UH1 R-IH1-N T-R-AH0-S T-AH0 D-IH0-N G-OW1 IH0-NG


you could go to birmingham just to read your teenage diaries, it's lots of fun.and okay, next up, advertised-

Y-UW1 K-UH1-D G-OW1 T-UW1 B-ER1 M-IH0-NG HH-AE2-M JH-AH1-S-T T-UW1 R-EH1 D-Y-AO1-R T-IY1 N-EY2-JH D-AY1 ER0 IY0 Z-IH1-T S-L-AA1-T S-AH1-V F-Y-UW1 N-AH0-N D-OW2 K-EY1 N-EH1-K-S T-AH1 P-AE1-D V-ER0 T-AY2-Z-D


yes, unfortunately, couldn't be with us today. she's died, no, she's not. i don't-

Y-EH1 S-AH0-N F-AO1-R CH-AH0 N-AH0 T-L-IY0 K-AW1-L D-AH0-N-T B-IY1 W-IH1 DH-AH1-S T-AH0 D-EY1 SH-EH1-S D-AY1 D-N-OW1 SH-EH1 S-N-AA1 T-AY1 D-AA1-N-T


said that, i've being naughty.

S-EH1-D DH-AE1 T-AY1-V B-IY1 IH0-NG N-AO1 T-IY0


i don't know why. okay, our next guest up-

AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 W-AY1 OW2 K-EY1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T G-EH1-S T-AH1-P


is the lovely mr. alastair clark standup based in liverpool. come up to the stage.

IH1-Z DH-AH0 L-AH1 V-L-IY0 M-IH1-S T-ER0 AE1 L-AH0-S T-EH2-R K-L-AA1-R-K-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P B-EY1-S T-IH0 N-L-IH1 V-ER0 P-UW2-L K-AH1 M-AH1-P T-UW1 DH-AH0-S T-EY1-JH


the rest of them can go to hell, but as long as you're all right, we're cool.

DH-AH0 R-EH1-S T-AH1-V DH-EH1-M K-AE1-N G-OW1 T-UW1 HH-EH1-L B-AH1 T-AE1 Z-L-AO1 NG-AE1 Z-Y-UH1 R-AO1-L R-AY1 T-W-ER0 K-UW1-L


hi, welcome. hello, thanks for having me. so, i've been up here-

HH-AY1 W-EH1-L K-AH0-M HH-AH0 L-OW1 TH-AE1-NG-K-S F-AO1-R HH-AE1 V-IH0-NG M-IY1 S-OW1 AY1-V B-IH1 N-AH1-P HH-IY1-R


this month doing a stand-up comedy show about depression.

DH-IH1 S-M-AH1-N-TH D-UW1 IH0 NG-AH0-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0 SH-OW1 AH0 B-AW1-T D-IH0 P-R-EH1 SH-AH0-N


yeah, not a topic that naturally lends itself to comedy.

Y-AE1 N-AA1 T-AH0 T-AA1 P-IH0-K DH-AE1 T-N-AE1 CH-ER0 AH0 L-IY0 L-EH1-N-D Z-IH0-T S-EH1-L-F T-UW1 K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0


so, yeah, so the first work in progress was pretty unremittingly sad. so, i've made it a lot funnier since then.

S-OW1 Y-AE1 S-OW1 DH-AH0 F-ER1-S T-W-ER1 K-IH0-N P-R-AA1 G-R-EH2 S-W-AA1-Z P-R-IH1 T-IY0 AH0 N-R-IH0 M-IH1 T-IH0 T-IH0 NG-L-IY0 S-AE1-D S-OW1 AY1 V-M-EY1 D-IH1 T-AH0 L-AA1-T F-AH1 N-IY0 ER0 S-IH1-N-S DH-EH1-N


but i thought since this is called stand-up tragedy, let's not focus on the funny bits.

B-AH1 T-AY1 TH-AO1-T S-IH1-N-S DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z K-AO1-L-D-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 L-EH1-T S-N-AA1-T F-OW1 K-AH0 S-AA1-N DH-AH0 F-AH1 N-IY0 B-IH1-T-S


and i'll just roll out one of the silly shows. tell you the title, do a bit of that. and then, we'll get back on with the sadness. so, good.

AH0-N D-IH1-L JH-AH1-S T-R-OW1 L-AW1 T-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 S-IH1 L-IY0 SH-OW1-Z T-EH1 L-Y-UW1 DH-AH0 T-AY1 T-AH0-L D-UW1 AH0 B-IH1 T-AH1-V DH-AE1 T-AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-W-EH1-L G-EH1-T B-AE1 K-AA1 N-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 S-AE1 D-N-AH0-S S-OW1 G-UH1-D


yeah. no, i used to do political comedy, but people told me i was a bit self-obsessed.

Y-AE1 N-OW1 AY1 Y-UW1-Z-D T-UW1 D-UW1 P-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0 K-AH0-L K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0 B-AH1-T P-IY1 P-AH0-L T-OW1-L D-M-IY1 AY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0 B-IH1-T S-EH1-L F-AH0-S B-AH0-D-S


i wrote a show about my own mental health. yeah, so-

AY1 R-OW1 T-AH0 SH-OW1 AH0 B-AW1 T-M-AY1 OW1-N M-EH1-N T-AH0-L HH-EH1-L TH-Y-AE1 S-OW1


i've always struggled to live.

AY1 V-AO1 L-W-EY2-Z-S T-R-AH1 G-AH0-L-D T-UW1 L-AY1-V


always struggled. i think there's a nice analogy for it, right? i look at people and they just seem to be living it.

AO1 L-W-EY2-Z-S T-R-AH1 G-AH0-L D-AY1 TH-IH1-NG-K DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 N-AY1 S-AH0 N-AE1 L-AH0 JH-IY0 F-AO1 R-IH1 T-R-AY1 T-AY1 L-UH1 K-AE1-T P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AH0-N-D DH-EY1 JH-AH1-S-T S-IY1-M T-UW1 B-IY1 L-IH1 V-IH0 NG-IH1-T


and they can just get on with life and they're just like, "oh, wow. you seem to be doing really well."

AH0-N-D DH-EY1 K-AE1-N JH-AH1-S-T G-EH1 T-AA1 N-W-IH1 DH-L-AY1 F-AH0-N-D TH-EH1-R JH-AH1-S T-L-AY1 K-OW1 W-AW1 Y-UW1 S-IY1-M T-UW1 B-IY1 D-UW1 IH0 NG-R-IH1 L-IY0 W-EH1-L


it's terrible. it was when i was a kid, right, i used to get into the car with people. and they'd turn the key and just go. and i'd be like, "oh, well, that seems like a very simple process."

IH1-T-S T-EH1 R-AH0 B-AH0 L-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-W-EH1 N-AY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0 K-IH1 D-R-AY1 T-AY1 Y-UW1-Z-D T-UW1 G-EH1 T-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 K-AA1 R-W-IH1-DH P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AH0-N-D TH-IY1-D T-ER1-N DH-AH0 K-IY1 AH0-N-D JH-AH1-S-T G-OW1 AH0-N D-IH1-D B-IY1 L-AY1 K-OW1 W-EH1-L DH-AE1-T S-IY1-M Z-L-AY1 K-AH0 V-EH1 R-IY0 S-IH1-M P-AH0-L P-R-AA1 S-EH2-S


given the same opportunity i could do that. right, 10 months ago, i learned to drive, right? cut to me. sat in tears, in a car, in a park-

G-IH1 V-AH0-N DH-AH0 S-EY1 M-AA2 P-ER0 T-UW1 N-AH0 T-IY0 AY1 K-UH1-D D-UW1 DH-AE1 T-R-AY1-T T-EH1-N M-AH1-N-TH S-AH0 G-OW1 AY1 L-ER1 N-IH0-D T-UW1 D-R-AY1 V-R-AY1-T K-AH1-T T-UW1 M-IY1 S-AE1 T-IH0-N T-EH1-R Z-IH0 N-AH0 K-AA1 R-IH0 N-AH0 P-AA1-R-K


because i can't get the fucking thing to move. which is like, "what's going on? what's this enormous lever doing?"

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 K-AE1-N-T G-EH1-T DH-AH0 F-AH1 K-IH0-NG TH-IH1-NG T-UW1 M-UW1 V-W-IH1 CH-IH1 Z-L-AY1 K-W-AH0-T-S G-OW1 IH0 NG-AA1 N-W-AH0-T-S DH-IH1 S-IH0 N-AO1-R M-AH0 S-L-EH1 V-ER0 D-UW1 IH0-NG


what are all these stalks? what's this enormous wheel? this is nothing like mario kart. i'm just crying, what guys?

W-AH1 T-AA1 R-AO1-L DH-IY1-Z-S T-AO1-K S-W-AH0-T-S DH-IH1 S-IH0 N-AO1-R M-AH0 S-W-IY1-L DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-N-AH1 TH-IH0 NG-L-AY1 K-M-AA1 R-IY0 OW0 K-AA1-R T-IH1-M JH-AH1-S-T K-R-AY1 IH0 NG-W-AH1-T G-AY1-Z


every time you change gear, you got to pump your foot.

EH1 V-ER0 IY0 T-AY1 M-Y-UW1 CH-EY1-N-JH G-IH1 R-Y-UW1 G-AA1-T T-UW1 P-AH1-M P-Y-AO1-R F-UH1-T


who did that? who came up with that? that's not my idea. that's a stupid idea, right? that just makes life difficult for yourself. and we've chosen that, right? there's automated cars, but do we use them?

HH-UW1 D-IH1-D DH-AE1-T HH-UW1 K-EY1 M-AH1 P-W-IH1-DH DH-AE1-T TH-AE1-T S-N-AA1 T-M-AY1 AY0 D-IY1 AH0 TH-AE1-T S-AH0-S T-UW1 P-AH0 D-AY0 D-IY1 AH0 R-AY1-T DH-AE1-T JH-AH1-S T-M-EY1-K S-L-AY1-F D-IH1 F-AH0 K-AH0-L-T F-AO1 R-Y-ER0 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-W-IY1-V CH-OW1 Z-AH0-N DH-AE1 T-R-AY1-T DH-EH1-R Z-AO1 T-AH0 M-EY2 T-IH0-D K-AA1-R-Z B-AH1-T D-UW1 W-IY1 Y-UW1-Z DH-EH1-M


do we fuck, right? have a clutch. why? oh, let's make life difficult for ourselves, right?

D-UW1 W-IY1 F-AH1 K-R-AY1-T HH-AE1 V-AH0 K-L-AH1 CH-W-AY1 OW1 L-EH1-T S-M-EY1 K-L-AY1-F D-IH1 F-AH0 K-AH0-L-T F-AO1 R-AW0 ER0 S-EH1-L-V Z-R-AY1-T


if you're one of those pricks who's going, "oh, you know what? i like the clutch."

IH1 F-Y-UH1 R-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-OW1-Z P-R-IH1-K-S HH-UW1-Z G-OW1 IH0 NG-OW1 Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-AH1 T-AY1 L-AY1-K DH-AH0 K-L-AH1-CH


it allows me to feel the engine of the car. just shut up, right? you're looking for a fight.

IH1 T-AH0 L-AW1 Z-M-IY1 T-UW1 F-IY1-L DH-AH0 EH1-N JH-AH0 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 K-AA1-R JH-AH1-S-T SH-AH1 T-AH1 P-R-AY1 T-Y-UH1-R L-UH1 K-IH0-NG F-AO1 R-AH0 F-AY1-T


cummings is back in the stone roses. it isn't. it isn't. you're looking for a fight. let's fight.

K-AH1 M-IH0-NG Z-IH1-Z B-AE1 K-IH0-N DH-AH0-S T-OW1 N-R-OW1 Z-IH0 Z-IH1 T-IH1 S-AH0-N T-IH1 T-IH1 S-AH0-N T-Y-UH1-R L-UH1 K-IH0-NG F-AO1 R-AH0 F-AY1 T-L-EH1-T-S F-AY1-T


my driving instructor was called pete. he was just some old northern bloke, who i had-

M-AY1 D-R-AY1 V-IH0 NG-IH0-N-S T-R-AH1-K T-ER0 W-AA1-Z K-AO1-L-D P-IY1-T HH-IY1 W-AA1-Z JH-AH1-S-T S-AH1 M-OW1-L D-N-AO1-R DH-ER0-N B-L-OW1-K HH-UW1 AY1 HH-AE1-D


nothing in common with, right? and essentially once you can learn that, once-

N-AH1 TH-IH0 NG-IH0-N K-AA1 M-AH0 N-W-IH1 DH-R-AY1 T-AH0-N D-IH0 S-EH1-N SH-AH0 L-IY0 W-AH1-N S-Y-UW1 K-AE1 N-L-ER1-N DH-AE1 T-W-AH1-N-S


you've got the car moving, driving lessons are him just teaching, just chatting to you.

Y-UW1-V G-AA1-T DH-AH0 K-AA1-R M-UW1 V-IH0-NG D-R-AY1 V-IH0 NG-L-EH1 S-AH0-N Z-AA1-R HH-IH1-M JH-AH1-S-T T-IY1 CH-IH0-NG JH-AH1-S-T CH-AE1 T-IH0-NG T-UW1 Y-UW1


it's just chat. and then, he doesn't really teach you how to drive. you just get used to the car. so, really what you want a driving instructor-

IH1-T-S JH-AH1-S-T CH-AE1 T-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N HH-IY1 D-OW1 S-AH0-N T-R-IH1 L-IY0 T-IY1 CH-Y-UW1 HH-AW1 T-UW1 D-R-AY1 V-Y-UW1 JH-AH1-S-T G-EH1 T-Y-UW1-Z-D T-UW1 DH-AH0 K-AA1-R S-OW1 R-IH1 L-IY0 W-AH1 T-Y-UW1 W-AA1-N T-AH0 D-R-AY1 V-IH0 NG-IH0-N-S T-R-AH1-K T-ER0


one, good chat. two, be able to manage risk.

W-AH1-N G-UH1-D CH-AE1-T T-UW1 B-IY1 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 M-AE1 N-AH0 JH-R-IH1-S-K


those are the two qualities you want in that order. but it was kind of weird because-

DH-OW1 Z-AA1-R DH-AH0 T-UW1 K-W-AA1 L-AH0 T-IY0 Z-Y-UW1 W-AA1-N T-IH0-N DH-AE1 T-AO1-R D-ER0 B-AH1 T-IH1 T-W-AA1-Z K-AY1-N D-AH1 V-W-IH1-R-D B-IH0 K-AO1-Z


so, i just end up having all these really inane conversations with my driving instructor, like peter-

S-OW1 AY1 JH-AH1-S T-EH1-N D-AH1-P HH-AE1 V-IH0 NG-AO1-L DH-IY1 Z-R-IH1 L-IY0 IH0 N-EY1-N K-AA2-N V-ER0 S-EY1 SH-AH0-N Z-W-IH1 DH-M-AY1 D-R-AY1 V-IH0 NG-IH0-N-S T-R-AH1-K T-ER0 L-AY1-K P-IY1 T-ER0


because he'd just be like, oh. he was like, oh, he found out i was a stand up comedian quite early on. he was like, "oh-

B-IH0 K-AO1-Z HH-EH1-D JH-AH1-S-T B-IY1 L-AY1 K-OW1 HH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-L-AY1 K-OW1 HH-IY1 F-AW1-N D-AW1 T-AY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0-S T-AE1-N D-AH1-P K-AH0 M-IY1 D-IY0 AH0-N K-W-AY1 T-ER1 L-IY0 AA1-N HH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-L-AY1 K-OW1


stand up, the thing about stand up is you've got to be a man of the people, aren't you? you got to talk about things-

S-T-AE1-N D-AH1-P DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-AH0 B-AW1-T-S T-AE1-N D-AH1 P-IH1 Z-Y-UW1-V G-AA1-T T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0 M-AE1 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AA1 R-AH0-N T-Y-UW1 Y-UW1 G-AA1-T T-UW1 T-AO1 K-AH0 B-AW1-T TH-IH1-NG-Z


everyone can relate to. and i'm sort of like, "yeah, kind of mate, something like that, for the benefit of the tape."

EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2-N K-AE1 N-R-IH0 L-EY1-T T-UW1 AH0-N D-IH1-M S-AO1-R T-AH1 V-L-AY1 K-Y-AE1 K-AY1-N D-AH1 V-M-EY1-T S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-L-AY1-K DH-AE1-T F-AO1-R DH-AH0 B-EH1 N-AH0 F-IH0 T-AH1-V DH-AH0 T-EY1-P


i was miming trying to change gear while simultaneously-

AY1 W-AA1 Z-M-IH1 M-IH0-NG T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1 CH-EY1-N-JH G-IH1 R-W-AY1-L S-AY2 M-AH0-L T-EY1 N-IY0 AH0 S-L-IY0


you can't enjoy that, but it happened. did it go that well in the room? not massively, but i still felt like if you want the full enjoyment-

Y-UW1 K-AE1-N T-EH0-N JH-OY1 DH-AE1-T B-AH1 T-IH1-T HH-AE1 P-AH0-N-D D-IH1 D-IH1-T G-OW1 DH-AE1 T-W-EH1 L-IH0-N DH-AH0 R-UW1-M N-AA1 T-M-AE1 S-IH0 V-L-IY0 B-AH1 T-AY1-S T-IH1-L F-EH1-L T-L-AY1 K-IH1 F-Y-UW1 W-AA1-N-T DH-AH0 F-UH1 L-EH0-N JH-OY1 M-AH0-N-T


so, yeah, so this is the thing. i agree to him. i was like, "yeah-

S-OW1 Y-AE1 S-OW1 DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-AY1 AH0 G-R-IY1 T-UW1 HH-IH1 M-AY1 W-AA1 Z-L-AY1 K-Y-AE1


you do need to be relatable. you need to talk about stuff that everyone can relate to. but i've never really-

Y-UW1 D-UW1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 B-IY1 R-IH0 L-AE1 T-AH0 B-AH0 L-Y-UW1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 T-AO1 K-AH0 B-AW1-T-S T-AH1-F DH-AE1 T-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2-N K-AE1 N-R-IH0 L-EY1-T T-UW1 B-AH1 T-AY1 V-N-EH1 V-ER0 R-IH1 L-IY0


i can do that about driving, right, because that's something we've all done.

AY1 K-AE1-N D-UW1 DH-AE1 T-AH0 B-AW1-T D-R-AY1 V-IH0 NG-R-AY1-T B-IH0 K-AO1-Z TH-AE1-T-S S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-W-IY1 V-AO1-L D-AH1-N


day basis, i'm not sure how much people would be able to relate with me, because i don't feel like a-

D-EY1 B-EY1 S-AH0 S-IH1-M N-AA1-T SH-UH1-R HH-AW1 M-AH1-CH P-IY1 P-AH0 L-W-UH1-D B-IY1 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 R-IH0 L-EY1 T-W-IH1 DH-M-IY1 B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 D-AA1-N-T F-IY1-L L-AY1 K-AH0


human being. i always feel like this fucked up horror show, right? that's what i feel like.

HH-Y-UW1 M-AH0-N B-IY1 IH0 NG-AY1 AO1 L-W-EY2-Z F-IY1-L L-AY1-K DH-IH1-S F-AH1-K T-AH1-P HH-AO1 R-ER0 SH-OW1 R-AY1-T TH-AE1-T S-W-AH1 T-AY1 F-IY1-L L-AY1-K


so, anyway, what happened was is if i actually tried to talk about what it's like-

S-OW1 EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2 W-AH1-T HH-AE1 P-AH0-N D-W-AA1 Z-IH1 Z-IH1 F-AY1 AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 T-R-AY1-D T-UW1 T-AO1 K-AH0 B-AW1 T-W-AH1 T-IH1-T S-L-AY1-K


i guess, you know when you're going-

AY1 G-EH1 S-Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-EH1 N-Y-UH1-R G-OW1 IH0-NG


to sleep? you know when you're going to sleep? you don't just sleep though, do you? you haven't slept since about 2008.

T-UW1 S-L-IY1 P-Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 AA1-R G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 S-L-IY1 P-Y-UW1 D-AA1-N-T JH-AH1-S-T S-L-IY1-P DH-OW1 D-UW1 Y-UW1 Y-UW1 HH-AE1 V-AH0-N-T S-L-EH1-P-T S-IH1-N S-AH0 B-AW1-T T-UW1 TH-AW1 Z-AH0-N D-EY1-T


of nightmares, don't you? right, so you're lying in bed. it's about 4:00 in the morning. what-

AH1 V-N-AY1 T-M-EH2-R-Z D-AA1-N T-Y-UW1 R-AY1-T S-OW1 Y-UW1 AA1-R L-AY1 IH0 NG-IH0-N B-EH1 D-IH1-T S-AH0 B-AW1-T F-AO1 R-AH0 K-L-AA1 K-IH0-N DH-AH0 M-AO1-R N-IH0 NG-W-AH1-T


not mad, just a little bit. just so that it would break the skin and then that'll give you something to concentrate on. to take a physical sensation, to take your mind off the pain, misery and suffering that makes up-

N-AA1 T-M-AE1-D JH-AH1-S T-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L B-IH1-T JH-AH1-S-T S-OW1 DH-AE1 T-IH1 T-W-UH1-D B-R-EY1-K DH-AH0-S K-IH1 N-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N TH-AE1 T-AH0-L G-IH1 V-Y-UW1 S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG T-UW1 K-AA1-N S-AH0-N T-R-EY2 T-AA1-N T-UW1 T-EY1 K-AH0 F-IH1 Z-IH0 K-AH0-L S-EH0-N S-EY1 SH-AH0-N T-UW1 T-EY1 K-Y-AO1-R M-AY1-N D-AO1-F DH-AH0 P-EY1-N M-IH1 Z-ER0 IY0 AH0-N-D S-AH1 F-ER0 IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-M-EY1-K S-AH1-P


love you. the next day you catch yourself on a bread knife. it's, "ow, that really hurts." so, you think maybe self harm's not for me. am i right?

L-AH1 V-Y-UW1 DH-AH0 N-EH1-K-S-T D-EY1 Y-UW1 K-AE1 CH-Y-ER0 S-EH1-L F-AA1 N-AH0 B-R-EH1 D-N-AY1 F-IH1-T S-OW1 DH-AE1 T-R-IH1 L-IY0 HH-ER1-T-S S-OW1 Y-UW1 TH-IH1-NG K-M-EY1 B-IY0 S-EH1-L-F HH-AA1-R-M Z-N-AA1-T F-AO1-R M-IY1 AE1 M-AY1 R-AY1-T


you're there and you're lying in bed. it's 4:00 in the morning. you know i really should go-

Y-UW1 AA1-R DH-EH1 R-AH0-N D-Y-UW1 AA1-R L-AY1 IH0 NG-IH0-N B-EH1 D-IH1-T-S F-AO1 R-AH0 K-L-AA1 K-IH0-N DH-AH0 M-AO1-R N-IH0 NG-Y-UW1 N-OW1 AY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 SH-UH1-D G-OW1


to sleep now, i really should go to sleep. really i'll go sleep. you look forward to i'll turn over the-

T-UW1 S-L-IY1 P-N-AW1 AY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 SH-UH1-D G-OW1 T-UW1 S-L-IY1 P-R-IH1 L-IY0 IH1-L G-OW1 S-L-IY1 P-Y-UW1 L-UH1-K F-AO1 R-W-ER0-D T-UW1 IH1-L T-ER1 N-OW1 V-ER0 DH-AH0


the pillow it's wet, isn't it? wet with tears. so, you turn over the pillow, and the other side's-

DH-AH0 P-IH1 L-OW0 IH1-T S-W-EH1 T-IH1 S-AH0-N T-IH1 T-W-EH1 T-W-IH1-DH T-EH1-R-Z S-OW1 Y-UW1 T-ER1 N-OW1 V-ER0 DH-AH0 P-IH1 L-OW0 AH0-N-D DH-AH0 AH1 DH-ER0 S-AY1-D-Z


wet too. all right, guys. yeah.

W-EH1-T T-UW1 AO1-L R-AY1-T G-AY1 Z-Y-AE1


talking about, yeah. all right. okay. you know when you got a text off your old roommate? you get a text off your old roommate. he was like-

T-AO1 K-IH0 NG-AH0 B-AW1 T-Y-AE1 AO1-L R-AY1 T-OW2 K-EY1 Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 G-AA1 T-AH0 T-EH1-K-S T-AO1 F-Y-AO1 R-OW1-L D-R-UW1 M-EY2 T-Y-UW1 G-EH1 T-AH0 T-EH1-K-S T-AO1 F-Y-AO1 R-OW1-L D-R-UW1 M-EY2-T HH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-L-AY1-K


and you're just like, oh, you get there. you're like, can't keep. do you want a pint? do you want a pint? do you want a pint of lager? no, thanks. can i just have a ginger beer, please? he's like, "no-

AH0-N D-Y-UH1-R JH-AH1-S T-L-AY1 K-OW1 Y-UW1 G-EH1-T DH-EH1 R-Y-UH1-R L-AY1-K K-AE1-N-T K-IY1-P D-UW1 Y-UW1 W-AA1-N T-AH0 P-AY1-N-T D-UW1 Y-UW1 W-AA1-N T-AH0 P-AY1-N-T D-UW1 Y-UW1 W-AA1-N T-AH0 P-AY1-N T-AH1 V-L-AA1 G-ER0 N-OW1 TH-AE1-NG-K-S K-AE1 N-AY1 JH-AH1-S-T HH-AE1 V-AH0 JH-IH1-N JH-ER0 B-IH1-R P-L-IY1-Z HH-IY1 Z-L-AY1 K-N-OW1


to drink at uni? yeah, i don't want a lager, mate. can i just have a ginger beer? because i'm on some-

T-UW1 D-R-IH1-NG K-AE1 T-Y-UW1 N-IY0 Y-AE1 AY1 D-AA1-N T-W-AA1-N T-AH0 L-AA1 G-ER0 M-EY1-T K-AE1 N-AY1 JH-AH1-S-T HH-AE1 V-AH0 JH-IH1-N JH-ER0 B-IH1-R B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1 M-AA1-N S-AH1-M


what medication you on? clark, don't worry about it. you can drink on antibiotics. you can drink on antibiotics.

W-AH1 T-M-EH2 D-AH0 K-EY1 SH-AH0 N-Y-UW1 AA1-N K-L-AA1-R-K D-AA1-N T-W-ER1 IY0 AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1 T-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N D-R-IH1-NG K-AA1 N-AE2-N T-IY0 B-IY0 AA1 T-IH0-K S-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N D-R-IH1-NG K-AA1 N-AE2-N T-IY0 B-IY0 AA1 T-IH0-K-S


it's like, i was talking to a doctor about this. the reason that you can drink on antibiotics, yeah-

IH1-T S-L-AY1 K-AY1 W-AA1-Z T-AO1 K-IH0-NG T-UW1 AH0 D-AA1-K T-ER0 AH0 B-AW1-T DH-IH1-S DH-AH0 R-IY1 Z-AH0-N DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N D-R-IH1-NG K-AA1 N-AE2-N T-IY0 B-IY0 AA1 T-IH0-K S-Y-AE1


i'm not on antibiotics. i'm actually i'm on antidepressants. and he goes, "oh." and you see the look on his face.

IH1-M N-AA1 T-AA1 N-AE2-N T-IY0 B-IY0 AA1 T-IH0-K S-IH1 M-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 IH1 M-AA1 N-AE2-N T-AY2 D-IH0 P-R-EH1 S-AH0-N-T S-AH0-N-D HH-IY1 G-OW1 Z-OW1 AH0-N D-Y-UW1 S-IY1 DH-AH0 L-UH1 K-AA1-N HH-IH1-Z F-EY1-S


not as fun as i thought it was. am i right?

N-AA1 T-AE1-Z F-AH1 N-AE1 Z-AY1 TH-AO1 T-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AE1 M-AY1 R-AY1-T


guys, yeah, you with me? yeah.

G-AY1 Z-Y-AE1 Y-UW1 W-IH1 DH-M-IY1 Y-AE1


okay. right. you know when you're walking down the shop. while you're walking, you're walking down the shop, and you're like, oh, wouldn't it be brilliant if a meteorite crashed into the earth and killed literally everyone and everything, including all of you and everyone listening at home because-

OW2 K-EY1 R-AY1 T-Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-EH1 N-Y-UH1 R-W-AO1 K-IH0-NG D-AW1-N DH-AH0 SH-AA1 P-W-AY1 L-Y-UH1 R-W-AO1 K-IH0 NG-Y-UH1 R-W-AO1 K-IH0-NG D-AW1-N DH-AH0 SH-AA1 P-AH0-N D-Y-UH1-R L-AY1 K-OW1 W-UH1 D-L-AH0-N T-IH1-T B-IY1 B-R-IH1 L-Y-AH0-N T-IH1 F-AH0 M-IY1 T-IY0 AO0 R-AY2-T K-R-AE1-SH T-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 ER1 TH-AH0-N-D K-IH1-L D-L-IH1 T-ER0 AH0 L-IY0 EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2 N-AH0-N D-EH1 V-R-IY0 TH-IH2 NG-IH0-N K-L-UW1 D-IH0 NG-AO1 L-AH1 V-Y-UW1 AH0-N D-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2 N-L-IH1 S-AH0 N-IH0 NG-AE1-T HH-OW1-M B-IH0 K-AO1-Z


that way i wouldn't need to go to the shop. why do i need to go to the shop?

DH-AE1 T-W-EY1 AY1 W-UH1 D-L-AH0-N T-N-IY1-D T-UW1 G-OW1 T-UW1 DH-AH0 SH-AA1 P-W-AY1 D-UW1 AY1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 G-OW1 T-UW1 DH-AH0 SH-AA1-P


you don't eat, you die. and that doesn't sound too bad to you, but everyone else has got a bit of a problem.

Y-UW1 D-AA1-N T-IY1 T-Y-UW1 D-AY1 AH0-N-D DH-AE1-T D-OW1 S-AH0-N-T S-AW1-N-D T-UW1 B-AE1-D T-UW1 Y-UW1 B-AH1 T-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2 N-EH1-L-S HH-AE1-Z G-AA1 T-AH0 B-IH1 T-AH1 V-AH0 P-R-AA1 B-L-AH0-M


with it. am i right? so, you're there. you go down the shop and you buy i don't know. oh, what am i going to have for lunch? this is really stressful.

W-IH1 DH-IH1 T-AE1 M-AY1 R-AY1-T S-OW1 Y-UH1-R DH-EH1 R-Y-UW1 G-OW1 D-AW1-N DH-AH0 SH-AA1 P-AH0-N D-Y-UW1 B-AY1 AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 OW1 W-AH1 T-AE1 M-AY1 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 HH-AE1-V F-AO1-R L-AH1-N-CH DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-R-IH1 L-IY0-S T-R-EH1-S F-AH0-L


i know, i'll have a couple of apples and i'll watch half a season of the wire, while i cry. and that'll tie me over-

AY1 N-OW1 IH1-L HH-AE1 V-AH0 K-AH1 P-AH0 L-AH1 V-AE1 P-AH0-L Z-AH0-N D-IH1 L-W-AA1-CH HH-AE1 F-AH0 S-IY1 Z-AH0 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 W-AY1 ER0 W-AY1 L-AY1 K-R-AY1 AH0-N-D TH-AE1 T-AH0-L T-AY1 M-IY1 OW1 V-ER0


until tea time. that's a productive use of an afternoon, isn't it guys? so, yeah, but what-

AH0-N T-IH1-L T-IY1 T-AY1-M TH-AE1-T S-AH0 P-R-AH0 D-AH1-K T-IH0 V-Y-UW1 S-AH1 V-AE1 N-AE2-F T-ER0 N-UW1 N-IH1 S-AH0-N T-IH1-T G-AY1-Z S-OW1 Y-AE1 B-AH1 T-W-AH1-T


be out for tea, oh, this is super stressful. what am i going to have for tea? i know what i'll have for tea. i'll have a stir-

B-IY1 AW1-T F-AO1-R T-IY1 OW1 DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z S-UW1 P-ER0-S T-R-EH1-S F-AH0 L-W-AH1 T-AE1 M-AY1 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 HH-AE1-V F-AO1-R T-IY1 AY1 N-OW1 W-AH1 T-IH1-L HH-AE1-V F-AO1-R T-IY1 IH1-L HH-AE1 V-AH0-S T-ER1


fry again. why? because it's easy. cook it in one pan. barely any wash it up. you know what? save a plate, eat it straight out of the pan. right, so you get-

F-R-AY1 AH0 G-EH1 N-W-AY1 B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1-T S-IY1 Z-IY0 K-UH1 K-IH1 T-IH0 N-W-AH1-N P-AE1-N B-EH1-R L-IY0 EH1 N-IY0 W-AA1 SH-IH1 T-AH1 P-Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-AH1-T S-EY1 V-AH0 P-L-EY1 T-IY1 T-IH1-T-S T-R-EY1 T-AW1 T-AH1-V DH-AH0 P-AE1 N-R-AY1-T S-OW1 Y-UW1 G-EH1-T


in the wet hole in your face and you mash into your face and you swallow it and that makes you live. and then, the next day you got to go back to the shop because you've run out of-

IH0-N DH-AH0 W-EH1-T HH-OW1 L-IH0 N-Y-AO1-R F-EY1 S-AH0-N D-Y-UW1 M-AE1 SH-IH0-N T-UW1 Y-AO1-R F-EY1 S-AH0-N D-Y-UW1 S-W-AA1 L-OW0 IH1 T-AH0-N-D DH-AE1 T-M-EY1-K S-Y-UW1 L-AY1 V-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N DH-AH0 N-EH1-K-S-T D-EY1 Y-UW1 G-AA1-T T-UW1 G-OW1 B-AE1-K T-UW1 DH-AH0 SH-AA1-P B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-Y-UW1 V-R-AH1 N-AW1 T-AH1-V


stir fry. but you bought a big bag of apples. so, you're all right for them.

S-T-ER1 F-R-AY1 B-AH1 T-Y-UW1 B-AA1 T-AH0 B-IH1-G B-AE1 G-AH1 V-AE1 P-AH0-L-Z S-OW1 Y-UH1 R-AO1-L R-AY1-T F-AO1-R DH-EH1-M


am i right? guys am i-


...i right? it doesn't feel like it.

AY1 R-AY1 T-IH1-T D-OW1 S-AH0-N-T F-IY1-L L-AY1 K-IH1-T


okay, silly show idea number one.

OW2 K-EY1 S-IH1 L-IY0 SH-OW1 AY0 D-IY1 AH0 N-AH1-M B-ER0 W-AH1-N


richard the third bobsleigh mayhem.

R-IH1 CH-ER0-D DH-AH0 TH-ER1-D B-AA1-B S-L-AH0 M-EY1 HH-EH2-M


we're really sorry, mate. there's not been enough snowfall.

W-ER0 R-IH1 L-IY0 S-AA1 R-IY0 M-EY1-T DH-EH1-R Z-N-AA1-T B-IH1 N-IH0 N-AH1-F S-N-OW1 F-AA0-L


there's just not been enough snowfall. we're not going to be able to put a bobsleigh team together this year.

DH-EH1-R-Z JH-AH1-S T-N-AA1-T B-IH1 N-IH0 N-AH1-F S-N-OW1 F-AA0 L-W-ER0 N-AA1-T G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 B-IY1 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 P-UH1 T-AH0 B-AA1-B S-L-AH0 T-IY1-M T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 DH-IH1 S-Y-IH1-R


because i know you were looking forward to it, but there just isn't going to be any bobsleigh. sorry mate.

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 N-OW1 Y-UW1 W-ER0 L-UH1 K-IH0-NG F-AO1 R-W-ER0-D T-UW1 IH1-T B-AH1-T DH-EH1-R JH-AH1-S T-IH1 S-AH0-N-T G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 B-IY1 EH1 N-IY0 B-AA1-B S-L-AH0 S-AA1 R-IY0 M-EY1-T


now is the winter of our discontent.

N-AW1 IH1-Z DH-AH0 W-IH1-N T-ER0 AH1 V-AW1 ER0 D-IH0-S K-AH0-N T-EH1-N-T


there's an actual joke for you. yeah.

DH-EH1-R Z-AE1 N-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0-L JH-OW1-K F-AO1 R-Y-UW1 Y-AE1


i suppose, to be fair, i thought that was going to take longer than that. so, i still got two minutes.

AY1 S-AH0 P-OW1-Z T-UW1 B-IY1 F-EH1 R-AY1 TH-AO1-T DH-AE1 T-W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 T-EY1 K-L-AO1-NG G-ER0 DH-AE1-N DH-AE1-T S-OW1 AY1-S T-IH1-L G-AA1-T T-UW1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T-S


what i'm going to do is i'll tell you a quick ... right, what i've decided is that when you start getting better, what happens is you start talking about your problems. and you know, when i start to have a problem-

W-AH1 T-IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 IH1 Z-IH1-L T-EH1 L-Y-UW1 AH0 K-W-IH1 K-R-AY1 T-W-AH1 T-AY1-V D-IH0 S-AY1 D-IH0 D-IH1-Z DH-AE1 T-W-EH1 N-Y-UW1-S T-AA1-R-T G-EH1 T-IH0-NG B-EH1 T-ER0 W-AH1-T HH-AE1 P-AH0-N Z-IH1 Z-Y-UW1-S T-AA1-R-T T-AO1 K-IH0 NG-AH0 B-AW1 T-Y-AO1-R P-R-AA1 B-L-AH0-M Z-AH0-N D-Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-EH1 N-AY1-S T-AA1-R-T T-UW1 HH-AE1 V-AH0 P-R-AA1 B-L-AH0-M


i went to the doctor. i was like, "look, i want to, you know, a thing." i did the show.

AY1 W-EH1-N-T T-UW1 DH-AH0 D-AA1-K T-ER0 AY1 W-AA1 Z-L-AY1 K-L-UH1 K-AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 Y-UW1 N-OW1 AH0 TH-IH1 NG-AY1 D-IH1-D DH-AH0 SH-OW1


and i got a bad review. i couldn't let people leave the show because-

AH0-N D-AY1 G-AA1 T-AH0 B-AE1 D-R-IY2 V-Y-UW1 AY1 K-AW1-L D-AH0-N T-L-EH1-T P-IY1 P-AH0-L L-IY1-V DH-AH0 SH-OW1 B-IH0 K-AO1-Z


... thinking what the reviewer has said. because he goes, "the thing is, i'm worried about allister clark."

TH-IH1-NG K-IH0 NG-W-AH1-T DH-AH0 R-IY0 V-Y-UW1 ER0 HH-AE1-Z S-EH1-D B-IH0 K-AO1-Z HH-IY1 G-OW1-Z DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-IH1 Z-IH1 M-W-ER1 IY0 D-AH0 B-AW1 T-AO1 L-IH0-S T-ER0 K-L-AA1-R-K


"i'm worried about him." the thing is, don't be worried about me. i'll be okay. i've got a support network in place. i've got people who love me.

IH1 M-W-ER1 IY0 D-AH0 B-AW1-T HH-IH1-M DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-IH1-Z D-AA1-N-T B-IY1 W-ER1 IY0 D-AH0 B-AW1 T-M-IY1 IH1-L B-IY1 OW2 K-EY1 AY1-V G-AA1 T-AH0 S-AH0 P-AO1-R T-N-EH1 T-W-ER2 K-IH0-N P-L-EY1 S-AY1-V G-AA1-T P-IY1 P-AH0-L HH-UW1 L-AH1 V-M-IY1


you need to worry about people who are going through this on a day-to-day basis not talking-

Y-UW1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 W-ER1 IY0 AH0 B-AW1-T P-IY1 P-AH0-L HH-UW1 AA1-R G-OW1 IH0-NG TH-R-UW1 DH-IH1 S-AA1 N-AH0 D-EY1 T-AH0 D-EY2 B-EY1 S-AH0 S-N-AA1-T T-AO1 K-IH0-NG


... with it. that's who you need to worry about. right? the depression statistics are-

W-IH1 DH-IH1-T TH-AE1-T-S HH-UW1 Y-UW1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 W-ER1 IY0 AH0 B-AW1 T-R-AY1-T DH-AH0 D-IH0 P-R-EH1 SH-AH0-N-S T-AH0 T-IH1-S T-IH0-K S-AA1-R


...bad. the most likely way for someone under 50 to die is to-

B-AE1-D DH-AH0 M-OW1-S T-L-AY1 K-L-IY0 W-EY1 F-AO1-R S-AH1 M-W-AH2 N-AH1-N D-ER0 F-IH1-F T-IY0 T-UW1 D-AY1 IH1-Z T-UW1


... kill themselves. that's fucked up, right? and i'm sorry, that's not-

K-IH1-L DH-EH0-M S-EH1-L-V-Z TH-AE1-T-S F-AH1-K T-AH1 P-R-AY1 T-AH0-N D-IH1-M S-AA1 R-IY0 TH-AE1-T S-N-AA1-T


... off. madness. the one person i never thought i'd actually talk to about it was peter, my-

AO1 F-M-AE1 D-N-AH0-S DH-AH0 W-AH1-N P-ER1 S-AH0 N-AY1 N-EH1 V-ER0 TH-AO1 T-IH1 D-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 T-AO1-K T-UW1 AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1 T-W-AA1-Z P-IY1 T-ER0 M-AY1


... driving instructor. i go, "oh, i'm [inaudible 00:02:03] you from the-

D-R-AY1 V-IH0 NG-IH0-N-S T-R-AH1-K T-ER0 AY1 G-OW1 OW1 AY1 AE1 M-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z T-UW1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-R-IY1 S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-Y-UW1 F-R-AH1-M DH-AH0


... like, "what's wrong?" i said, "look, i'm really depressed." and he goes, "oh depression. i used to-

L-AY1 K-W-AH0-T S-R-AO1 NG-AY1 S-EH1 D-L-UH1 K-IH1 M-R-IH1 L-IY0 D-IH0 P-R-EH1-S T-AH0-N-D HH-IY1 G-OW1 Z-OW1 D-IH0 P-R-EH1 SH-AH0 N-AY1 Y-UW1-Z-D T-UW1


... have that. right? so, you just talk to me about it. what did i get out of-

HH-AE1-V DH-AE1 T-R-AY1-T S-OW1 Y-UW1 JH-AH1-S-T T-AO1-K T-UW1 M-IY1 AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1 T-W-AH1-T D-IH1 D-AY1 G-EH1 T-AW1 T-AH1-V


... counseling. i don't know many counselors you go to where you get a driving license at-

K-AW1-N S-AH0 L-IH0 NG-AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 M-EH1 N-IY0 K-AW1-N S-AH0 L-ER0 Z-Y-UW1 G-OW1 T-UW1 W-EH1 R-Y-UW1 G-EH1 T-AH0 D-R-AY1 V-IH0 NG-L-AY1 S-AH0-N S-AE1-T


... the end. second time. begin to think i failed the first time because i wasn't ready to-

DH-AH0 EH1-N-D S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D T-AY1-M B-IH0 G-IH1-N T-UW1 TH-IH1-NG K-AY1 F-EY1-L-D DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-AY1-M B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 W-AO1-S T-R-EH1 D-IY0 T-UW1


... home quick tip. if you want to keep getting that sweet cash, make your students emotionally dependent-

HH-OW1-M K-W-IH1-K T-IH1 P-IH1 F-Y-UW1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 K-IY1-P G-EH1 T-IH0-NG DH-AE1-T S-W-IY1-T K-AE1 SH-M-EY1 K-Y-AO1-R-S T-UW1 D-AH0-N-T S-IH0 M-OW1 SH-N-AH0 L-IY0 D-IH0 P-EH1-N D-AH0-N-T


... on you. cheers, guys. that's for me. i've been allister clark. you've been lovely.

AA1 N-Y-UW1 CH-IH1-R-Z G-AY1-Z TH-AE1-T-S F-AO1-R M-IY1 AY1-V B-IH1 N-AO1 L-IH0-S T-ER0 K-L-AA1-R K-Y-UW1-V B-IH1 N-L-AH1 V-L-IY0


am i still on, on the microphone? yes. excellent stuff. that's why they call it stand up tragedy.

AE1 M-AY1-S T-IH1 L-AA1 N-AA1-N DH-AH0 M-AY1 K-R-AH0 F-OW2 N-Y-EH1 S-EH1-K S-AH0 L-AH0-N-T-S T-AH1-F TH-AE1-T S-W-AY1 DH-EY1 K-AO1 L-IH1-T-S T-AE1-N D-AH1-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0


okay, you've been a fabulous audience. we've got our last act of the evening. oh, yay you did it.

OW2 K-EY1 Y-UW1-V B-IH1 N-AH0 F-AE1 B-Y-AH0 L-AH0 S-AA1 D-IY0 AH0-N S-W-IY1-V G-AA1 T-AW1 ER0 L-AE1-S T-AE1-K T-AH1-V DH-AH0 IY1 V-N-IH0 NG-OW1 Y-EY1 Y-UW1 D-IH1 D-IH1-T


i did not bribe them, radio listeners or whatever-

AY1 D-IH1 D-N-AA1-T B-R-AY1-B DH-EH1 M-R-EY1 D-IY0 OW2 L-IH1 S-AH0 N-ER0 Z-AO1 R-W-AH2 T-EH1 V-ER0


sorts of dinosaur technology. radio listeners on the inter web in space. okay. okay. our final guest is a standup comedian-

S-AO1-R-T S-AH1-V D-AY1 N-AH0 S-AO2-R T-EH0 K-N-AA1 L-AH0 JH-IY0 R-EY1 D-IY0 OW2 L-IH1 S-AH0 N-ER0 Z-AA1-N DH-AH0 IH0-N T-ER1 W-EH1 B-IH0-N-S P-EY1 S-OW2 K-EY1 OW2 K-EY1 AW1 ER0 F-AY1 N-AH0-L G-EH1-S T-IH1 Z-AH0-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P K-AH0 M-IY1 D-IY0 AH0-N


and founder of a dead cat comedy club. he enjoys wrestling, punk rock and your mother. and this is mr. red redmond.

AH0-N-D F-AW1-N D-ER0 AH1 V-AH0 D-EH1-D K-AE1-T K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0 K-L-AH1-B HH-IY1 EH0-N JH-OY1 Z-R-EH1 S-L-IH0-NG P-AH1-NG K-R-AA1 K-AH0-N D-Y-AO1-R M-AH1 DH-ER0 AH0-N-D DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-M-IH1-S T-ER0 R-EH1 D-R-EH1 D-M-AH0-N-D


i know there's something wrong with me because a friend of mine came around the other day-

AY1 N-OW1 DH-EH1-R-Z S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-R-AO1 NG-W-IH1 DH-M-IY1 B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AH0 F-R-EH1-N D-AH1 V-M-AY1-N K-EY1 M-ER0 AW1-N-D DH-AH0 AH1 DH-ER0 D-EY1


... a dealer. and i was sat in the living room, eating a jar of peanut butter-

AH0 D-IY1 L-ER0 AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1-Z S-AE1 T-IH0-N DH-AH0 L-IH1 V-IH0 NG-R-UW1 M-IY1 T-IH0 NG-AH0 JH-AA1 R-AH1-V P-IY1 N-AH0-T B-AH1 T-ER0


... using a snickers as an edible spoon. and that's just a sign that you've let your life-

Y-UW1 Z-IH0 NG-AH0 S-N-IH1 K-ER0 Z-AE1 Z-AE1 N-EH1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L-S P-UW1 N-AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T-S JH-AH1-S T-AH0 S-AY1-N DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 V-L-EH1 T-Y-AO1-R L-AY1-F


you know, like normally for lent people give up things like chocolate. well-

Y-UW1 N-OW1 L-AY1 K-N-AO1-R M-AH0 L-IY0 F-AO1-R L-EH1-N-T P-IY1 P-AH0-L G-IH1 V-AH1-P TH-IH1-NG Z-L-AY1-K CH-AO1 K-L-AH0 T-W-EH1-L


i gave up on myself. and it's been going very well.

AY1 G-EY1 V-AH1 P-AA1-N M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S B-IH1-N G-OW1 IH0-NG V-EH1 R-IY0 W-EH1-L


she left. anyway. i ... true story.

SH-IY1 L-EH1-F T-EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2 AY1 T-R-UW1-S T-AO1 R-IY0


i'm recently single actually, which means i now spend ... oh, don't aw that. it's not panto season.

IH1 M-R-IY1 S-AH0-N T-L-IY0 S-IH1-NG G-AH0 L-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 W-IH1 CH-M-IY1-N Z-AY1 N-AW1-S P-EH1-N D-OW1 D-AA1-N T-AO1 DH-AE1 T-IH1-T S-N-AA1-T P-AE1-N T-OW0 S-IY1 Z-AH0-N


she was a right bitch. anyway, she's behind my. jesus christ if she is.

SH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0 R-AY1-T B-IH1 CH-EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2 SH-EH1-S B-IH0 HH-AY1-N D-M-AY1 JH-IY1 Z-AH0-S K-R-AY1-S T-IH1-F SH-IY1 IH1-Z


she could be. she's quite small.

SH-IY1 K-UH1-D B-IY1 SH-EH1-S K-W-AY1-T S-M-AO1-L


anyway, let's get away from that. i basically-

EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2 L-EH1-T-S G-EH1 T-AH0 W-EY1 F-R-AH1-M DH-AE1 T-AY1 B-EY1 S-IH0 K-L-IY0


i live alone in this flat, and i don't think i should live alone because i'm quite scared of everything. you know? like my microwave, for instance. i'm terrified of my microwave. because it goes up to an hour.

AY1 L-AY1 V-AH0 L-OW1 N-IH0-N DH-IH1-S F-L-AE1 T-AH0-N D-AY1 D-AA1-N-T TH-IH1-NG K-AY1 SH-UH1 D-L-AY1 V-AH0 L-OW1-N B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1-M K-W-AY1-T-S K-EH1-R D-AH1 V-EH1 V-R-IY0 TH-IH2 NG-Y-UW1 N-OW1 L-AY1 K-M-AY1 M-AY1 K-R-AH0 W-EY2-V F-AO1 R-IH1-N-S T-AH0-N S-IH1-M T-EH1 R-AH0 F-AY2 D-AH1 V-M-AY1 M-AY1 K-R-AH0 W-EY2-V B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1-T G-OW1 Z-AH1-P T-UW1 AE1 N-AW1 ER0


who is microwaving for an hour? here, take 20-

HH-UW1 IH1 Z-M-AY1 K-R-AH0 W-EY2 V-IH0-NG F-AO1 R-AE1 N-AW1 ER0 HH-IY1-R T-EY1-K T-W-EH1-N T-IY0


you don't need an hour, do you?

Y-UW1 D-AA1-N T-N-IY1 D-AE1 N-AW1 ER0 D-UW1 Y-UW1


you know, my cats exploded after 10. so, it was a nightmare.

Y-UW1 N-OW1 M-AY1 K-AE1-T S-IH0-K-S P-L-OW1 D-AH0 D-AE1-F T-ER0 T-EH1-N S-OW1 IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AH0 N-AY1 T-M-EH2-R


i think they should put instructions on cats. lost five and a tumble dryer last week. it was a nightmare. but i have got two new pairs of slippers. so.

AY1 TH-IH1-NG-K DH-EY1 SH-UH1-D P-UH1 T-IH0-N-S T-R-AH1-K SH-AH0-N Z-AA1-N K-AE1-T S-L-AO1-S-T F-AY1 V-AH0-N D-AH0 T-AH1-M B-AH0-L D-R-AY1 ER0 L-AE1-S T-W-IY1 K-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AH0 N-AY1 T-M-EH2-R B-AH1 T-AY1 HH-AE1-V G-AA1-T T-UW1 N-UW1 P-EH1-R Z-AH1-V S-L-IH1 P-ER0-Z S-OW1


and a spare one if anyone wants a pencil case. there we go. special offer, today only. oh, god.

AH0-N D-AH0-S P-EH1 R-W-AH1 N-IH1 F-EH1 N-IY0 W-AH2 N-W-AA1-N-T S-AH0 P-EH1-N S-AH0-L K-EY1-S DH-EH1 R-W-IY1 G-OW1-S P-EH1 SH-AH0 L-AO1 F-ER0 T-AH0 D-EY1 OW1 N-L-IY0 OW1 G-AA1-D


i'm also scared. i've got window cleaners, right? i've got window cleaners.

IH1 M-AO1-L S-OW0-S K-EH1-R D-AY1-V G-AA1 T-W-IH1-N D-OW0 K-L-IY1 N-ER0 Z-R-AY1 T-AY1-V G-AA1 T-W-IH1-N D-OW0 K-L-IY1 N-ER0-Z


but they're not like normal window cleaners. my window cleaners-

B-AH1-T TH-EH1-R N-AA1 T-L-AY1 K-N-AO1-R M-AH0 L-W-IH1-N D-OW0 K-L-IY1 N-ER0 Z-M-AY1 W-IH1-N D-OW0 K-L-IY1 N-ER0-Z


... abseil down the side of my building with weegees and without warning.

AE1-B S-AH0-L D-AW1-N DH-AH0 S-AY1 D-AH1 V-M-AY1 B-IH1-L D-IH0 NG-W-IH1 DH-W-IY1 G-IY0 Z-AH0-N D-W-IH0 TH-AW1 T-W-AO1-R N-IH0-NG


right? i was trying to have my breakfast the other day. i thought navy seals were after my coco pops.

R-AY1 T-AY1 W-AA1-Z T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1 HH-AE1 V-M-AY1 B-R-EH1-K F-AH0-S-T DH-AH0 AH1 DH-ER0 D-EY1 AY1 TH-AO1 T-N-EY1 V-IY0 S-IY1-L Z-W-ER0 AE1-F T-ER0 M-AY1 K-OW1 K-OW2 P-AA1-P-S


i almost turned the milk chocolatey. it's not a good look. but the worst thing, the worst thing-

AY1 AO1-L M-OW2-S-T T-ER1-N-D DH-AH0 M-IH1-L-K CH-AA1 K-L-AH0 T-IY0 IH1-T S-N-AA1 T-AH0 G-UH1 D-L-UH1-K B-AH1-T DH-AH0 W-ER1-S-T TH-IH1-NG DH-AH0 W-ER1-S-T TH-IH1-NG


... now about living alone is they keep finding bodies in the canal next to my flat. and if they're finding so many, i'm starting to suspect myself.

N-AW1 AH0 B-AW1 T-L-IH1 V-IH0 NG-AH0 L-OW1 N-IH1-Z DH-EY1 K-IY1-P F-AY1-N D-IH0-NG B-AA1 D-IY0 Z-IH0-N DH-AH0 K-AH0 N-AE1-L N-EH1-K-S-T T-UW1 M-AY1 F-L-AE1 T-AH0-N D-IH1-F TH-EH1-R F-AY1-N D-IH0-NG S-OW1 M-EH1 N-IY0 IH1-M-S T-AA1-R T-IH0-NG T-UW1 S-AH0-S P-EH1-K T-M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F


i live alone with a rabbit, and i'm pretty sure she can't testify in court.

AY1 L-AY1 V-AH0 L-OW1 N-W-IH1 DH-AH0 R-AE1 B-AH0 T-AH0-N D-IH1-M P-R-IH1 T-IY0 SH-UH1-R SH-IY1 K-AE1-N-T T-EH1-S T-AH0 F-AY2 IH0-N K-AO1-R-T


... fucked, right? because i'm like, if you don't know me personally, i'm quite a quiet guy that keeps himself to himself. and that's like the worst thing you can do in that situation.

F-AH1-K T-R-AY1-T B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1 M-L-AY1 K-IH1 F-Y-UW1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 M-IY1 P-ER1 S-AH0 N-AH0 L-IY0 IH1-M K-W-AY1 T-AH0 K-W-AY1 AH0-T G-AY1 DH-AE1-T K-IY1-P-S HH-IH0-M S-EH1-L-F T-UW1 HH-IH0-M S-EH1-L F-AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T S-L-AY1-K DH-AH0 W-ER1-S-T TH-IH1 NG-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N D-UW1 IH0-N DH-AE1-T S-IH2 CH-UW0 EY1 SH-AH0-N


basically what i'm trying to say is i'm either doing it in my sleep or someone's trying to frame me. and either way-

B-EY1 S-IH0 K-L-IY0 W-AH1 T-IH1-M T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1 S-EY1 IH1 Z-IH1 M-IY1 DH-ER0 D-UW1 IH0 NG-IH1 T-IH0-N M-AY1 S-L-IY1 P-AO1-R S-AH1 M-OW2-N-Z T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1 F-R-EY1-M M-IY1 AH0-N D-IY1 DH-ER0 W-EY1


... i'll probably be doing my next edinburgh show via skype. so, that'll be good. look out for that.

IH1-L P-R-AA1 B-AH0 B-L-IY0 B-IY1 D-UW1 IH0-NG M-AY1 N-EH1-K-S T-EH1 D-AH0-N B-ER0 OW0 SH-OW1 V-AY1 AH0-S K-AY1-P S-OW1 TH-AE1 T-AH0-L B-IY1 G-UH1 D-L-UH1 K-AW1-T F-AO1-R DH-AE1-T


i thought it'd be really fun to spend christmas alone. it's not. i cried three times.

AY1 TH-AO1 T-AY1 T-AH0-D B-IY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 F-AH1-N T-UW1-S P-EH1-N-D K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0 S-AH0 L-OW1 N-IH1-T S-N-AA1 T-AY1 K-R-AY1-D TH-R-IY1 T-AY1-M-Z


we bought a zoo a back to back, because it's my favorite film. and it's beautiful. no, it is a work of cinematic artistry.

W-IY1 B-AA1 T-AH0 Z-UW1 AH0 B-AE1-K T-UW1 B-AE1-K B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1-T S-M-AY1 F-EY1 V-ER0 IH0-T F-IH1-L M-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S B-Y-UW1 T-AH0 F-AH0-L N-OW1 IH1 T-IH1 Z-AH0 W-ER1 K-AH1-V S-IH2 N-AH0 M-AE1 T-IH0 K-AA1-R T-IH0-S T-R-IY0


matt damon's in it, and scarlett johannson. and it's like a lion, but the lion dies. spoiler alert.

M-AE1-T D-EY1 M-AH0-N Z-IH0 N-IH1 T-AH0-N-D-S K-AA1-R L-IH0-T JH-OW2 HH-AE1-N S-AH0 N-AH0-N D-IH1-T S-L-AY1 K-AH0 L-AY1 AH0-N B-AH1-T DH-AH0 L-AY1 AH0-N D-AY1-Z-S P-OY1 L-ER0 AH0 L-ER1-T


and they've got a little girl and there's a little boy, and he lets the snakes out-

AH0-N-D DH-EY1-V G-AA1 T-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L G-ER1 L-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L B-OY1 AH0-N-D HH-IY1 L-EH1-T-S DH-AH0 S-N-EY1-K S-AW1-T


... the box. go and watch it. you will cry.

DH-AH0 B-AA1-K-S G-OW1 AH0-N D-W-AA1 CH-IH1 T-Y-UW1 W-IH1-L K-R-AY1


i went and spent christmas day alone.

AY1 W-EH1-N T-AH0-N-D-S P-EH1-N-T K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S D-EY1 AH0 L-OW1-N


i thought it'd be dead fun, because i'd be in charge of my own day. i'd sort of be in charge of things.

AY1 TH-AO1 T-AY1 T-AH0-D B-IY1 D-EH1-D F-AH1-N B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1-D B-IY1 IH0-N CH-AA1-R JH-AH1 V-M-AY1 OW1-N D-EY1 IH1-D S-AO1-R T-AH1-V B-IY1 IH0-N CH-AA1-R JH-AH1-V TH-IH1-NG-Z


so, i did what anyone would do if they wanted a really good christmas dinner, and i went to mcdonald's.

S-OW1 AY1 D-IH1 D-W-AH1 T-EH1 N-IY0 W-AH2 N-W-UH1-D D-UW1 IH1-F DH-EY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0 D-AH0 R-IH1 L-IY0 G-UH1-D K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S D-IH1 N-ER0 AH0-N D-AY1 W-EH1-N-T T-UW1 M-AH0-K D-AA1 N-AH0-L-D-Z


yeah, you're right. it's a bad choice. it was a bad choice, right?

Y-AE1 Y-UH1-R R-AY1 T-IH1-T S-AH0 B-AE1-D CH-OY1 S-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AH0 B-AE1-D CH-OY1 S-R-AY1-T


i thought it'd be fun. you know, i'm having a good christmas day.

AY1 TH-AO1 T-AY1 T-AH0-D B-IY1 F-AH1 N-Y-UW1 N-OW1 IH1-M HH-AE1 V-IH0 NG-AH0 G-UH1-D K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S D-EY1


i'm going to be in charge of my own christmas dinner. go to order something christmasy, something festive off the festive menu.

IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 B-IY1 IH0-N CH-AA1-R JH-AH1 V-M-AY1 OW1-N K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S D-IH1 N-ER0 G-OW1 T-UW1 AO1-R D-ER0 S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0 S-IY0 S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG F-EH1-S T-IH0 V-AO1-F DH-AH0 F-EH1-S T-IH0 V-M-EH1 N-Y-UW0


so, i ordered myself a chicken fiesta and yes, you're right-

S-OW1 AY1 AO1-R D-ER0 D-M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AH0 CH-IH1 K-AH0-N F-IY0 EH1-S T-AH0 AH0-N D-Y-EH1 S-Y-UH1-R R-AY1-T


edinburgh, that is spanish for chicken party. so, i got the ... it's my favorite joke.

EH1 D-AH0-N B-ER0 OW0 DH-AE1 T-IH1-Z-S P-AE1 N-IH0-SH F-AO1-R CH-IH1 K-AH0-N P-AA1-R T-IY0 S-OW1 AY1 G-AA1-T DH-AH0 IH1-T S-M-AY1 F-EY1 V-ER0 IH0-T JH-OW1-K


i got the chicken fiesta. and i put it down on the table, and i started a nomming away. and i was enjoying myself, right, on christmas day.

AY1 G-AA1-T DH-AH0 CH-IH1 K-AH0-N F-IY0 EH1-S T-AH0 AH0-N D-AY1 P-UH1 T-IH1-T D-AW1 N-AA1-N DH-AH0 T-EY1 B-AH0 L-AH0-N D-AY1-S T-AA1-R T-AH0 D-AH0 N-AA1 M-IH0 NG-AH0 W-EY1 AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1 Z-EH0-N JH-OY1 IH0-NG M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-R-AY1 T-AA1-N K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S D-EY1


i started eating the burger. and i was having a good christmas day until i read what it said on the box. and i remember what it said on the box. it said-

AY1-S T-AA1-R T-AH0 D-IY1 T-IH0-NG DH-AH0 B-ER1 G-ER0 AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1-Z HH-AE1 V-IH0 NG-AH0 G-UH1-D K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S D-EY1 AH0-N T-IH1 L-AY1 R-EH1 D-W-AH1 T-IH1-T S-EH1 D-AA1-N DH-AH0 B-AA1-K S-AH0-N D-AY1 R-IH0 M-EH1-M B-ER0 W-AH1 T-IH1-T S-EH1 D-AA1-N DH-AH0 B-AA1-K S-IH1-T S-EH1-D


enjoy yourself this festive season.

EH0-N JH-OY1 Y-ER0 S-EH1-L-F DH-IH1-S F-EH1-S T-IH0-V S-IY1 Z-AH0-N


into my face. that's all i knew how to do. so, i just started filling it into my face, and i was full. and i was bloated.

IH0-N T-UW1 M-AY1 F-EY1-S TH-AE1-T S-AO1 L-AY1 N-UW1 HH-AW1 T-UW1 D-UW1 S-OW1 AY1 JH-AH1-S-T-S T-AA1-R T-AH0-D F-IH1 L-IH0 NG-IH1 T-IH0-N T-UW1 M-AY1 F-EY1 S-AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1-Z F-UH1 L-AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1-Z B-L-OW1 T-IH0-D


that sounds like a pretty normal christmas to me.

DH-AE1-T S-AW1-N-D Z-L-AY1 K-AH0 P-R-IH1 T-IY0 N-AO1-R M-AH0-L K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S T-UW1 M-IY1


oh, god. lazy gentlemen, thank you so much for coming to this show. and more importantly-

OW1 G-AA1 D-L-EY1 Z-IY0 JH-EH1-N T-AH0-L M-IH0-N TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1 S-OW1 M-AH1-CH F-AO1-R K-AH1 M-IH0-NG T-UW1 DH-IH1-S SH-OW1 AH0-N D-M-AO1 R-IH0-M P-AO1-R T-AH0-N T-L-IY0


thank you so much for coming up to this festival. because god knows this month there'll be millions of people sat at home watching netflix and slowly dying. so, well done to you for coming out and seeing something with your own face.

TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1 S-OW1 M-AH1-CH F-AO1-R K-AH1 M-IH0 NG-AH1-P T-UW1 DH-IH1-S F-EH1-S T-AH0 V-AH0-L B-IH0 K-AO1-Z G-AA1 D-N-OW1-Z DH-IH1 S-M-AH1-N-TH DH-EH1 R-AH0-L B-IY1 M-IH1 L-Y-AH0-N Z-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0-L S-AE1 T-AE1-T HH-OW1 M-W-AA1 CH-IH0-NG N-EH1-T F-L-IH0-K S-AH0-N-D S-L-OW1 L-IY0 D-AY1 IH0-NG S-OW1 W-EH1-L D-AH1-N T-UW1 Y-UW1 F-AO1-R K-AH1 M-IH0 NG-AW1 T-AH0-N-D S-IY1 IH0-NG S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-W-IH1 DH-Y-AO1 R-OW1-N F-EY1-S


it's like a privilege these days. anyway, and also people on the podcast, fucking get off your asses, and get on a train, and come up here and give me some money. because-

IH1-T S-L-AY1 K-AH0 P-R-IH1 V-L-AH0-JH DH-IY1-Z D-EY1 Z-EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2 AH0-N D-AO1-L S-OW0 P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AA1-N DH-AH0 P-OW1-D K-AE2-S-T F-AH1 K-IH0-NG G-EH1 T-AO1 F-Y-AO1 R-AE1 S-AH0 Z-AH0-N-D G-EH1 T-AA1 N-AH0 T-R-EY1 N-AH0-N-D K-AH1 M-AH1-P HH-IY1 R-AH0-N-D G-IH1 V-M-IY1 S-AH1-M M-AH1 N-IY0 B-IH0 K-AO1-Z


anyway, ladies and gentlemen, you've been absolutely fantastic. i've been red redmond.

EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2 L-EY1 D-IY0 Z-AH0-N-D JH-EH1-N T-AH0-L M-IH0 N-Y-UW1-V B-IH1 N-AE2-B S-AH0 L-UW1 T-L-IY0 F-AE0-N T-AE1-S T-IH0 K-AY1-V B-IH1 N-R-EH1 D-R-EH1 D-M-AH0-N-D


okay, thank you. that's my lineup for tonight. so, if you'd like to give a-

OW2 K-EY1 TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1 TH-AE1-T S-M-AY1 L-AY1 N-AH2-P F-AO1-R T-AH0 N-AY1-T S-OW1 IH1 F-Y-AH1 D-L-AY1-K T-UW1 G-IH1 V-AH0


... for all our lovely participants, mr. ian hales.

F-AO1 R-AO1 L-AW1 ER0 L-AH1 V-L-IY0 P-AA0-R T-IH1 S-AH0 P-AH0-N-T S-M-IH1-S T-ER0 IY1 AH0-N HH-EY1-L-Z


and yes, these are a few of my favorite things. colleagues, don't straight jacket me back inside. don't make me sing-

AH0-N D-Y-EH1-S DH-IY1 Z-AA1 R-AH0 F-Y-UW1 AH1 V-M-AY1 F-EY1 V-ER0 IH0-T TH-IH1-NG-Z K-AA1 L-IY0-G-Z D-AA1-N-T-S T-R-EY1-T JH-AE1 K-AH0 T-M-IY1 B-AE1 K-IH0-N S-AY1-D D-AA1-N T-M-EY1 K-M-IY1 S-IH1-NG


... your company song. i'm not a commuter.

Y-AO1-R K-AH1-M P-AH0 N-IY0 S-AO1 NG-IH1-M N-AA1 T-AH0 K-AH0 M-Y-UW1 T-ER0


i don't belong. thank you.

AY1 D-AA1-N-T B-IH0 L-AO1-NG TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1


standup tragedy is a wonderful show, wonderful podcast. you all know that we come up-

S-T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 IH1 Z-AH0 W-AH1-N D-ER0 F-AH0-L SH-OW1 W-AH1-N D-ER0 F-AH0-L P-OW1-D K-AE2-S T-Y-UW1 AO1-L N-OW1 DH-AE1 T-W-IY1 K-AH1 M-AH1-P


we come up and we perform for free, more or less, but we have to pay for our lodging.

W-IY1 K-AH1 M-AH1 P-AH0-N D-W-IY1 P-ER0 F-AO1-R-M F-AO1-R F-R-IY1 M-AO1 R-AO1-R L-EH1-S B-AH1 T-W-IY1 HH-AE1-V T-UW1 P-EY1 F-AO1 R-AW1 ER0 L-AA1 JH-IH0-NG


please give what you think the show is worth. a quid per performer might be nice, or whatever-

P-L-IY1-Z G-IH1 V-W-AH1 T-Y-UW1 TH-IH1-NG-K DH-AH0 SH-OW1 IH1 Z-W-ER1 TH-AH0 K-W-IH1-D P-ER1 P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 M-AY1-T B-IY1 N-AY1 S-AO1 R-W-AH2 T-EH1 V-ER0


is caroline smiling.

IH1-Z K-EH1 R-AH0 L-AY2-N S-M-AY1 L-IH0-NG


... music.i do love music and poetry stuff. and i made the name caroline smiling, which in itself is like tragic optimism.

M-Y-UW0 S-IY1 S-IY0 D-UW1 L-AH1 V-M-Y-UW1 Z-IH0 K-AH0-N-D P-OW1 AH0 T-R-IY0-S T-AH1 F-AH0-N D-AY1 M-EY1-D DH-AH0 N-EY1-M K-EH1 R-AH0 L-AY2-N S-M-AY1 L-IH0 NG-W-IH1 CH-IH0 N-IH0-T S-EH1-L F-IH1 Z-L-AY1-K T-R-AE1 JH-IH0 K-AA1-P T-AH0 M-IH2 Z-AH0-M


i often write poems then songs, versions of the poems, which are different.

AY1 AO1 F-AH0 N-R-AY1-T P-OW1 AH0-M-Z DH-EH1-N S-AO1-NG-Z V-ER1 ZH-AH0-N Z-AH1-V DH-AH0 P-OW1 AH0-M Z-W-IH1 CH-AA1-R D-IH1 F-ER0 AH0-N-T


but with the same sentiment in it. and so today-

B-AH1 T-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 S-EY1-M S-EH1-N T-AH0 M-AH0-N T-IH0 N-IH1 T-AH0-N-D S-OW1 T-AH0 D-EY1


i'm going to ... i have a problem with loving myself.

IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 AY1 HH-AE1 V-AH0 P-R-AA1 B-L-AH0 M-W-IH1 DH-L-AH1 V-IH0-NG M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F


it's a pretty big issue for a lot of people. so, this poem is about that, initially, for me, and it's called heart state.

IH1-T S-AH0 P-R-IH1 T-IY0 B-IH1 G-IH1 SH-UW0 F-AO1 R-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0-L S-OW1 DH-IH1-S P-OW1 AH0 M-IH1 Z-AH0 B-AW1-T DH-AE1 T-IH0 N-IH1 SH-AH0 L-IY0 F-AO1-R M-IY1 AH0-N D-IH1-T-S K-AO1-L-D HH-AA1-R-T-S T-EY1-T


over the course of a long stretched summer pulled out before me like a roll of concrete-

OW1 V-ER0 DH-AH0 K-AO1-R S-AH1 V-AH0 L-AO1-NG-S T-R-EH1-CH-T S-AH1 M-ER0 P-UH1-L D-AW1-T B-IH0 F-AO1-R M-IY1 L-AY1 K-AH0 R-OW1 L-AH1-V K-AH0-N K-R-IY1-T


i kissed three people who didn't belong to me. locked lips with individuals-

AY1 K-IH1-S-T TH-R-IY1 P-IY1 P-AH0-L HH-UW1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N-T B-IH0 L-AO1-NG T-UW1 M-IY1 L-AA1-K T-L-IH1-P S-W-IH1 DH-IH2-N D-AH0 V-IH1 JH-AH0 W-AH0-L-Z


... who already had long standing lovers. and i'm not proud of this, but i know in my indiscretions seeking some warm and distinct comfort in the soft-

HH-UW1 AO0-L R-EH1 D-IY0 HH-AE1 D-L-AO1-NG-S T-AE1-N D-IH0 NG-L-AH1 V-ER0 Z-AH0-N D-IH1-M N-AA1-T P-R-AW1 D-AH1-V DH-IH1-S B-AH1 T-AY1 N-OW1 IH0-N M-AY1 IH2-N D-IH0-S K-R-EH1 SH-AH0-N-Z S-IY1 K-IH0-NG S-AH1 M-W-AO1-R M-AH0-N-D D-IH0-S T-IH1-NG-K-T K-AH1-M F-ER0 T-IH0-N DH-AH0 S-AA1-F-T


i was looking for something long lost, a long lay down is impossible.

AY1 W-AA1 Z-L-UH1 K-IH0-NG F-AO1-R S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-L-AO1 NG-L-AO1-S T-AH0 L-AO1 NG-L-EY1 D-AW1 N-IH1 Z-IH0-M P-AA1 S-AH0 B-AH0-L


managed to find my place as the one who can rest easy in the crook of any arm.

M-AE1 N-AH0-JH-D T-UW1 F-AY1-N D-M-AY1 P-L-EY1 S-AE1-Z DH-AH0 W-AH1-N HH-UW1 K-AE1 N-R-EH1-S T-IY1 Z-IY0 IH0-N DH-AH0 K-R-UH1 K-AH1 V-EH1 N-IY0 AA1-R-M


we fucked deep into little portions of heaven for brief fragments, but never invited to sleep in the security of a standing embrace.

W-IY1 F-AH1-K-T D-IY1 P-IH0-N T-UW1 L-IH1 T-AH0-L P-AO1-R SH-AH0-N Z-AH1-V HH-EH1 V-AH0-N F-AO1-R B-R-IY1-F F-R-AE1 G-M-AH0-N-T-S B-AH1 T-N-EH1 V-ER0 IH0-N V-AY1 T-AH0-D T-UW1 S-L-IY1 P-IH0-N DH-AH0 S-IH0 K-Y-UH1 R-AH0 T-IY0 AH1 V-AH0-S T-AE1-N D-IH0 NG-EH0-M B-R-EY1-S


i am the substitution. i'm a partner for a slow dance and all other arms, and hands, and hips.

AY1 AE1-M DH-AH0 S-AH2-B-S T-IH0 T-UW1 SH-AH0 N-IH1 M-AH0 P-AA1-R T-N-ER0 F-AO1 R-AH0 S-L-OW1 D-AE1-N S-AH0-N D-AO1 L-AH1 DH-ER0 AA1-R-M Z-AH0-N-D HH-AE1-N-D Z-AH0-N-D HH-IH1-P-S


a cupped and scooped into perfect circles with better matches than i could ever be.

AH0 K-AH1-P T-AH0-N-D-S K-UW1-P T-IH0-N T-UW1 P-ER1 F-IH2-K-T S-ER1 K-AH0-L Z-W-IH1-DH B-EH1 T-ER0 M-AE1 CH-AH0-Z DH-AE1 N-AY1 K-UH1 D-EH1 V-ER0 B-IY1


i know now that i am a nancy no-size.

AY1 N-OW1 N-AW1 DH-AE1 T-AY1 AE1 M-AH0 N-AE1-N S-IY0 N-AO1 Z-AY0-Z


everything is an ill-fitting match. and i want to say that i know what love is.

EH1 V-R-IY0 TH-IH2 NG-IH1 Z-AE1 N-IH1-L F-IH0 T-IH0-NG M-AE1 CH-AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 S-EY1 DH-AE1 T-AY1 N-OW1 W-AH1 T-L-AH1 V-IH1-Z


i want to say that i know that you will be the one to make the blood flow, and the heart palpitate.

AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 S-EY1 DH-AE1 T-AY1 N-OW1 DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 W-IH1-L B-IY1 DH-AH0 W-AH1-N T-UW1 M-EY1-K DH-AH0 B-L-AH1-D F-L-OW1 AH0-N-D DH-AH0 HH-AA1-R-T P-AE1-L P-AH0 T-EY0-T


and i like to scribble and i fight dirty without liking-

AH0-N D-AY1 L-AY1-K T-UW1-S K-R-IH1 B-AH0 L-AH0-N D-AY1 F-AY1-T D-ER1 T-IY0 W-IH0 TH-AW1 T-L-AY1 K-IH0-NG


so i guess, i am a sucker for getting myself hurt.

S-OW1 AY1 G-EH1 S-AY1 AE1 M-AH0 S-AH1 K-ER0 F-AO1-R G-EH1 T-IH0-NG M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F HH-ER1-T


masochistic only long enough for the wonder of being proved wrong. and i write punches into my songs.

M-AE1 S-AH0 K-IH0-S T-IH0 K-OW1 N-L-IY0 L-AO1 NG-IH0 N-AH1-F F-AO1-R DH-AH0 W-AH1-N D-ER0 AH1-V B-IY1 IH0-NG P-R-UW1-V D-R-AO1 NG-AH0-N D-AY1 R-AY1-T P-AH1-N CH-IH0 Z-IH0-N T-UW1 M-AY1 S-AO1-NG-Z


how often i want to have the breath knocked right out of me, but i'm fisticuffs now.

HH-AW1 AO1 F-AH0 N-AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 HH-AE1-V DH-AH0 B-R-EH1 TH-N-AA1-K T-R-AY1 T-AW1 T-AH1 V-M-IY1 B-AH1 T-IH1-M F-IH1-S T-IH0 K-AH2-F S-N-AW1


certain knowing that when i die, my last conscious thought will be... why did no one ever really love me?

S-ER1 T-AH0-N N-OW1 IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-W-EH1 N-AY1 D-AY1 M-AY1 L-AE1-S-T K-AA1-N SH-AH0-S TH-AO1 T-W-IH1-L B-IY1 W-AY1 D-IH1 D-N-OW1 W-AH1 N-EH1 V-ER0 R-IH1 L-IY0 L-AH1 V-M-IY1


that isn't a normal reaction.

DH-AE1 T-IH1 S-AH0-N T-AH0 N-AO1-R M-AH0-L R-IY0 AE1-K SH-AH0-N


mostly, although i function as well as i could, should ever hope to-

M-OW1-S T-L-IY0 AO2-L DH-OW1 AY1 F-AH1-NG-K SH-AH0 N-AE1 Z-W-EH1 L-AE1 Z-AY1 K-UH1-D SH-UH1 D-EH1 V-ER0 HH-OW1-P T-UW1


but i wear this skin as a costume that i feel i don't deserve.

B-AH1 T-AY1 W-EH1-R DH-IH1-S-S K-IH1 N-AE1 Z-AH0 K-AA0-S T-UW1-M DH-AE1 T-AY1 F-IY1 L-AY1 D-AA1-N-T D-IH0 Z-ER1-V


and it's why i am constantly trying to split the surface.

AH0-N D-IH1-T S-W-AY1 AY1 AE1-M K-AA1-N-S T-AH0-N T-L-IY0 T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1-S P-L-IH1-T DH-AH0 S-ER1 F-AH0-S


i serve these bones, a motor home of flesh that does mean no favors and belong here.

AY1 S-ER1-V DH-IY1-Z B-OW1-N Z-AH0 M-OW1 T-ER0 HH-OW1 M-AH1-V F-L-EH1-SH DH-AE1-T D-AH1 Z-M-IY1-N N-OW1 F-EY1 V-ER0 Z-AH0-N-D B-IH0 L-AO1-NG HH-IY1-R


belong anywhere, soaked in bad judgment.

B-IH0 L-AO1 NG-EH1 N-IY0 W-EH2-R S-OW1-K T-IH0-N B-AE1-D JH-AH1 JH-M-AH0-N-T


i try and pry out of strangers, but find no heaven in the response that i get from the cold corners of mouths of people that i don't know. i was shown them-

AY1 T-R-AY1 AH0-N-D P-R-AY1 AW1 T-AH1-V-S T-R-EY1-N JH-ER0-Z B-AH1-T F-AY1-N D-N-OW1 HH-EH1 V-AH0 N-IH0-N DH-AH0 R-IH0-S P-AA1-N-S DH-AE1 T-AY1 G-EH1-T F-R-AH1-M DH-AH0 K-OW1-L-D K-AO1-R N-ER0 Z-AH1 V-M-AW1-TH S-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0-L DH-AE1 T-AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 AY1 W-AA1-Z SH-OW1-N DH-EH1-M


i fit only in the spaces that they need rather than the spaces that i really am shaped like, and i sit back.

AY1 F-IH1 T-OW1 N-L-IY0 IH0-N DH-AH0-S P-EY1 S-AH0-Z DH-AE1-T DH-EY1 N-IY1 D-R-AE1 DH-ER0 DH-AE1-N DH-AH0-S P-EY1 S-AH0-Z DH-AE1 T-AY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 AE1-M SH-EY1-P T-L-AY1 K-AH0-N D-AY1 S-IH1-T B-AE1-K


marvel at this mess that i have made, brushed away logic with shaky hands.

M-AA1-R V-AH0 L-AE1-T DH-IH1 S-M-EH1-S DH-AE1 T-AY1 HH-AE1 V-M-EY1-D B-R-AH1-SH T-AH0 W-EY1 L-AA1 JH-IH0 K-W-IH1-DH SH-EY1 K-IY0 HH-AE1-N-D-Z


knowing that the only real thing.

N-OW1 IH0-NG DH-AE1-T DH-AH0 OW1 N-L-IY0 R-IY1-L TH-IH1-NG


is i never really learned how to love myself.

IH1 Z-AY1 N-EH1 V-ER0 R-IH1 L-IY0 L-ER1 N-IH0-D HH-AW1 T-UW1 L-AH1 V-M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F


everyone but hopefully it will pick up. somewhat-

EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2-N B-AH1-T HH-OW1-P F-AH0 L-IY0 IH1 T-W-IH1-L P-IH1 K-AH1-P S-AH1 M-W-AH1-T


okay. right. so our next piece of tragedy is going to be... whoa, well-

OW2 K-EY1 R-AY1-T S-OW1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-IY1 S-AH1-V T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 IH1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 B-IY1 W-OW1 W-EH1-L


and i hold them deep in fury and surely you can see why.

AH0-N D-AY1 HH-OW1-L-D DH-EH1-M D-IY1 P-IH0-N F-Y-UH1 R-IY0 AH0-N-D SH-UH1-R L-IY0 Y-UW1 K-AE1-N S-IY1 W-AY1


nobody knows that i hold my rage close to-

N-OW1 B-AA2 D-IY2 N-OW1-Z DH-AE1 T-AY1 HH-OW1-L D-M-AY1 R-EY1-JH K-L-OW1-S T-UW1


right. so our next performer, she is from the true storytelling night spark. put your hands together-

R-AY1-T S-OW1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 SH-IY1 IH1-Z F-R-AH1-M DH-AH0 T-R-UW1-S T-AO1 R-IY0 T-EH2 L-IH0-NG N-AY1-T-S P-AA1-R-K P-UH1 T-Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D-Z T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0


all the more reason you're going to have to help me tell my story. it is a true story, but i need your help doing it. i just want you to repeat after me. can everybody just say yiyer.

AO1-L DH-AH0 M-AO1-R R-IY1 Z-AH0 N-Y-UH1-R G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 HH-AE1-V T-UW1 HH-EH1-L P-M-IY1 T-EH1-L M-AY1-S T-AO1 R-IY0 IH1 T-IH1 Z-AH0 T-R-UW1-S T-AO1 R-IY0 B-AH1 T-AY1 N-IY1 D-Y-AO1-R HH-EH1-L-P D-UW1 IH0 NG-IH1 T-AY1 JH-AH1-S T-W-AA1-N T-Y-UW1 T-UW1 R-IH0 P-IY1 T-AE1-F T-ER0 M-IY1 K-AE1 N-EH1 V-R-IY0 B-AA2 D-IY0 JH-AH1-S-T S-EY1 Y-AY1 R-IY0


so i'm going to call him dr. yiyer.

S-OW1 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 K-AO1-L HH-IH1-M D-R-AY1 V-Y-AY1 R-IY0


look at his facebook page. you'll change your mind. so i look at his facebook page and indeed-

L-UH1 K-AE1-T HH-IH1-Z F-EY1-S B-UH2-K P-EY1 JH-Y-UW1-L CH-EY1-N JH-Y-AO1-R M-AY1-N-D S-OW1 AY1 L-UH1 K-AE1-T HH-IH1-Z F-EY1-S B-UH2-K P-EY1 JH-AH0-N D-IH0-N D-IY1-D


he's a very handsome young doctor; who has some samples of his band and he's the lead singer. and it sounds like coldplay, but in arabic-

HH-IY1 Z-AH0 V-EH1 R-IY0 HH-AE1-N S-AH0 M-Y-AH1-NG D-AA1-K T-ER0 HH-UW1 HH-AE1-Z S-AH1-M S-AE1-M P-AH0-L Z-AH1-V HH-IH1-Z B-AE1-N D-AH0-N-D HH-IY1-Z DH-AH0 L-EH1-D S-IH1 NG-ER0 AH0-N D-IH1-T S-AW1-N-D Z-L-AY1-K K-OW1-L-D P-L-EY2 B-AH1 T-IH0 N-AE1 R-AH0 B-IH0-K


so i said, well, what the hell? what's the difference-

S-OW1 AY1 S-EH1 D-W-EH1 L-W-AH1-T DH-AH0 HH-EH1 L-W-AH0-T-S DH-AH0 D-IH1 F-ER0 AH0-N-S


and i texted dr. yiyer. and i said... i didn't really care about being rude or anything-

AH0-N D-AY1 T-EH1-K-S T-IH0-D D-R-AY1 V-Y-AY1 R-IY0 AH0-N D-AY1 S-EH1 D-AY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N T-R-IH1 L-IY0 K-EH1 R-AH0 B-AW1-T B-IY1 IH0 NG-R-UW1 D-AO1 R-EH1 N-IY0 TH-IH2-NG


pick you up at the airport, just find your way to my house. too busy falling apart, i'll be crying all day or whatever.

P-IH1 K-Y-UW1 AH1 P-AE1-T DH-AH0 EH1-R P-AO2-R-T JH-AH1-S-T F-AY1-N D-Y-AO1 R-W-EY1 T-UW1 M-AY1 HH-AW1-S T-UW1 B-IH1 Z-IY0 F-AA1 L-IH0 NG-AH0 P-AA1-R T-IH1-L B-IY1 K-R-AY1 IH0 NG-AO1-L D-EY1 AO1 R-W-AH2 T-EH1 V-ER0


i thought, someday that will be funny and i will just file it away. at that moment-

AY1 TH-AO1-T S-AH1-M D-EY2 DH-AE1 T-W-IH1-L B-IY1 F-AH1 N-IY0 AH0-N D-AY1 W-IH1-L JH-AH1-S-T F-AY1 L-IH1 T-AH0 W-EY1 AE1-T DH-AE1 T-M-OW1 M-AH0-N-T


i let him in and all of a sudden, i-

AY1 L-EH1-T HH-IH1 M-IH0 N-AH0-N D-AO1 L-AH1 V-AH0 S-AH1 D-AH0 N-AY1


i'm lying in my bed, settling in and i-

IH1 M-L-AY1 IH0 NG-IH0-N M-AY1 B-EH1-D S-EH1 T-AH0 L-IH0 NG-IH0 N-AH0-N D-AY1


i hear this weird sound that i hadn't heard come out of me for three months.

AY1 HH-IY1-R DH-IH1 S-W-IH1-R-D S-AW1-N-D DH-AE1 T-AY1 HH-AE1 D-AH0-N-T HH-ER1-D K-AH1 M-AW1 T-AH1 V-M-IY1 F-AO1-R TH-R-IY1 M-AH1-N-TH-S


i could barely... didn't even know what it is and it sounded like-

AY1 K-UH1-D B-EH1-R L-IY0 D-IH1 D-AH0-N T-IY1 V-IH0-N N-OW1 W-AH1 T-IH1 T-IH1 Z-AH0-N D-IH1-T S-AW1-N D-AH0 D-L-AY1-K


huh. and it was like the first chuckle.

HH-AH1 AH0-N D-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-L-AY1-K DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T CH-AH1 K-AH0-L


but i have an erection doctor next door. so the first week he's there i come home-

B-AH1 T-AY1 HH-AE1 V-AE1 N-IH0 R-EH1-K SH-AH0-N D-AA1-K T-ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T D-AO1-R S-OW1 DH-AH0 F-ER1-S T-W-IY1-K HH-IY1-Z DH-EH1 R-AY1 K-AH1-M HH-OW1-M


he's got this thing... he's looking at something that looks like those big cuts of beef.

HH-IY1-Z G-AA1-T DH-IH1-S TH-IH1-NG HH-IY1 Z-L-UH1 K-IH0 NG-AE1-T S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-L-UH1-K S-L-AY1-K DH-OW1-Z B-IH1-G K-AH1-T S-AH1-V B-IY1-F


you couldn't even see that there was a person attached to it. through some sort of-

Y-UW1 K-AW1-L D-AH0-N T-IY1 V-IH0-N S-IY1 DH-AE1-T DH-EH1 R-W-AA1 Z-AH0 P-ER1 S-AH0 N-AH0 T-AE1-CH-T T-UW1 IH1-T TH-R-UW1 S-AH1-M S-AO1-R T-AH1-V


come home from work, pour myself a glass of wine and go, what do we have today? and-

K-AH1-M HH-OW1-M F-R-AH1 M-W-ER1-K P-AO1-R M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AH0 G-L-AE1 S-AH1 V-W-AY1 N-AH0-N-D G-OW1 W-AH1-T D-UW1 W-IY1 HH-AE1-V T-AH0 D-EY1 AH0-N-D


and we'd flip through some surgery pic-

AH0-N D-W-EH1-D F-L-IH1-P TH-R-UW1 S-AH1-M S-ER1 JH-ER0 IY0 P-IH1-K


why'd you make that choice. and anyway-

W-AY1 D-Y-UW1 M-EY1-K DH-AE1-T CH-OY1 S-AH0-N D-EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2


so from then on, for the month he-

S-OW1 F-R-AH1-M DH-EH1 N-AA1-N F-AO1-R DH-AH0 M-AH1-N-TH HH-IY1


he became a fixture in my life and it was his first time in america. he wanted to meet all my friends.

HH-IY1 B-IH0 K-EY1 M-AH0 F-IH1-K-S CH-ER0 IH0-N M-AY1 L-AY1 F-AH0-N D-IH1 T-W-AA1-Z HH-IH1-Z F-ER1-S-T T-AY1 M-IH0 N-AH0 M-EH1 R-AH0 K-AH0 HH-IY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D T-UW1 M-IY1 T-AO1-L M-AY1 F-R-EH1-N-D-Z


he wanted to experience everything i did. so he came to my yoga class and he was being san francisco.

HH-IY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D T-UW1 IH0-K-S P-IH1 R-IY0 AH0-N S-EH1 V-R-IY0 TH-IH2 NG-AY1 D-IH1-D S-OW1 HH-IY1 K-EY1-M T-UW1 M-AY1 Y-OW1 G-AH0 K-L-AE1 S-AH0-N-D HH-IY1 W-AA1-Z B-IY1 IH0-NG S-AE1-N F-R-AE0-N S-IH1-S K-OW0


some protest. he volunteered with me.

S-AH1-M P-R-OW1 T-EH2-S-T HH-IY1 V-AA2 L-AH0-N T-IH1-R D-W-IH1 DH-M-IY1


he invited my friends to dinner and made dinner for them and we even to watch barack obama's first inauguration because it was january 2009.

HH-IY1 IH0-N V-AY1 T-AH0 D-M-AY1 F-R-EH1-N-D-Z T-UW1 D-IH1 N-ER0 AH0-N D-M-EY1-D D-IH1 N-ER0 F-AO1-R DH-EH1 M-AH0-N D-W-IY1 IY1 V-IH0-N T-UW1 W-AA1-CH B-AA1 R-AH0 K-OW0 B-AA1 M-AH0-Z F-ER1-S T-IH0 N-AO2 G-Y-ER0 EY1 SH-AH0-N B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1 T-W-AA1-Z JH-AE1 N-Y-UW0 EH2 R-IY0 T-UW1 TH-AW1 Z-AH0-N D-N-AY1-N


and then, all my friends loved him. they-

AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-AO1-L M-AY1 F-R-EH1-N-D Z-L-AH1-V-D HH-IH1-M DH-EY1


wanted him with me everywhere i went and if i showed up without him-

W-AA1-N T-AH0-D HH-IH1 M-W-IH1 DH-M-IY1 EH1 V-R-IY0 W-EH2 R-AY1 W-EH1-N T-AH0-N D-IH1 F-AY1 SH-OW1 D-AH1 P-W-IH0 TH-AW1-T HH-IH1-M


one day, they would go, where's-

W-AH1-N D-EY1 DH-EY1 W-UH1-D G-OW1 W-EH1-R-Z


but this was very serious, but he did leave.

B-AH1-T DH-IH1 S-W-AA1-Z V-EH1 R-IY0 S-IH1 R-IY0 AH0-S B-AH1-T HH-IY1 D-IH1 D-L-IY1-V


and that day we did cry and you should know that there's nothing romantic between me and yiyer.

AH0-N-D DH-AE1-T D-EY1 W-IY1 D-IH1-D K-R-AY1 AH0-N D-Y-UW1 SH-UH1 D-N-OW1 DH-AE1-T DH-EH1-R Z-N-AH1 TH-IH0 NG-R-OW0 M-AE1-N T-IH0-K B-IH0 T-W-IY1-N M-IY1 AH0-N D-Y-AY1 R-IY0


it was just that we clicked and we love doing things together and he just turned on a light bulb in me.

IH1 T-W-AA1-Z JH-AH1-S-T DH-AE1 T-W-IY1 K-L-IH1-K T-AH0-N D-W-IY1 L-AH1-V D-UW1 IH0-NG TH-IH1-NG-Z T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 AH0-N-D HH-IY1 JH-AH1-S-T T-ER1-N D-AA1 N-AH0 L-AY1-T B-AH1-L B-IH0-N M-IY1


something that i'd never thought about in relationships and i thought maybe the next relationship i'm going to have-

S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-IH1 D-N-EH1 V-ER0 TH-AO1 T-AH0 B-AW1 T-IH0 N-R-IY0 L-EY1 SH-AH0-N SH-IH2-P S-AH0-N D-AY1 TH-AO1 T-M-EY1 B-IY0 DH-AH0 N-EH1-K-S T-R-IY0 L-EY1 SH-AH0-N SH-IH2 P-IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 HH-AE1-V


there will be compatibility, a look for compatibility. like somebody-

DH-EH1 R-W-IH1-L B-IY1 K-AH0-M P-AE2 T-AH0 B-IH1 L-AH0 T-IY0 AH0 L-UH1-K F-AO1-R K-AH0-M P-AE2 T-AH0 B-IH1 L-AH0 T-IY0 L-AY1-K S-AH1-M B-AA2 D-IY0


i always had love and passion and attraction, and-

AY1 AO1 L-W-EY2-Z HH-AE1 D-L-AH1 V-AH0-N-D P-AE1 SH-AH0 N-AH0-N D-AH0 T-R-AE1-K SH-AH0 N-AH0-N-D


but i'd never even thought that you could be this compatible with a male.

B-AH1 T-IH1 D-N-EH1 V-ER0 IY1 V-IH0-N TH-AO1-T DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 K-UH1-D B-IY1 DH-IH1-S K-AH0-M P-AE1 T-AH0 B-AH0 L-W-IH1 DH-AH0 M-EY1-L


but in this case there was no romance or anything and little did-

B-AH1 T-IH0-N DH-IH1-S K-EY1-S DH-EH1 R-W-AA1 Z-N-OW1 R-OW0 M-AE1-N S-AO1 R-EH1 N-IY0 TH-IH2 NG-AH0-N D-L-IH1 T-AH0-L D-IH1-D


we know that two years later i would be living in london.

W-IY1 N-OW1 DH-AE1-T T-UW1 Y-IH1-R Z-L-EY1 T-ER0 AY1 W-UH1-D B-IY1 L-IH1 V-IH0 NG-IH0 N-L-AH1-N D-AH0-N


i think it had something to do with being his true self and not being the-

AY1 TH-IH1-NG K-IH1-T HH-AE1-D S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 W-IH1-DH B-IY1 IH0-NG HH-IH1-Z T-R-UW1 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-N-AA1-T B-IY1 IH0-NG DH-AH0


person he had to pretend to be. and before i say the end.

P-ER1 S-AH0-N HH-IY1 HH-AE1-D T-UW1 P-R-IY0 T-EH1-N-D T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0-N-D B-IH0 F-AO1 R-AY1 S-EY1 DH-AH0 EH1-N-D


skill is not, as i said someone who can change the height of microphones.

S-K-IH1 L-IH1 Z-N-AA1 T-AE1 Z-AY1 S-EH1-D S-AH1 M-W-AH2-N HH-UW1 K-AE1-N CH-EY1-N-JH DH-AH0 HH-AY1 T-AH1 V-M-AY1 K-R-OW0 F-OW2-N-Z


skills i guess. it would be a handy skill for me to have though, as a host of a night. i do understand that. yes. right? so our next performer is-

S-K-IH1-L Z-AY1 G-EH1 S-IH1 T-W-UH1-D B-IY1 AH0 HH-AE1-N D-IY0-S K-IH1-L F-AO1-R M-IY1 T-UW1 HH-AE1-V DH-OW1 AE1 Z-AH0 HH-OW1-S T-AH1 V-AH0 N-AY1 T-AY1 D-UW1 AH2-N D-ER0-S T-AE1-N-D DH-AE1 T-Y-EH1 S-R-AY1-T S-OW1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 IH1-Z


and yet, not close enough. thank you.

AH0-N D-Y-EH1 T-N-AA1-T K-L-OW1 S-IH0 N-AH1-F TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1


we are in embracing ourselves. and at the beginning of the night-

W-IY1 AA1 R-IH0 N-EH0-M B-R-EY1 S-IH0 NG-AW0 ER0 S-EH1-L-V Z-AH0-N D-AE1-T DH-AH0 B-IH0 G-IH1 N-IH0 NG-AH1-V DH-AH0 N-AY1-T


the first set was about not loving yourself, and i find it hard to love myself, and one of the things that helps me to love myself and i occasionally get those moments of loving myself.

DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T S-EH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AH0 B-AW1 T-N-AA1 T-L-AH1 V-IH0 NG-Y-ER0 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-AY1 F-AY1-N D-IH1-T HH-AA1-R-D T-UW1 L-AH1 V-M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 TH-IH1-NG-Z DH-AE1-T HH-EH1-L-P S-M-IY1 T-UW1 L-AH1 V-M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-AY1 AH0 K-EY1 ZH-AH0 N-AH0 L-IY0 G-EH1-T DH-OW1 Z-M-OW1 M-AH0-N-T S-AH1 V-L-AH1 V-IH0-NG M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F


do we have time for me to do my song? yes, we do. okay. so we're going to finish on a song.

D-UW1 W-IY1 HH-AE1-V T-AY1-M F-AO1-R M-IY1 T-UW1 D-UW1 M-AY1 S-AO1 NG-Y-EH1 S-W-IY1 D-UW1 OW2 K-EY1 S-OW1 W-ER0 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 F-IH1 N-IH0 SH-AA1 N-AH0 S-AO1-NG


finish on a song. hopefully not knock over a microphone. harv, is there a plug for me to plug this into?

F-IH1 N-IH0 SH-AA1 N-AH0 S-AO1-NG HH-OW1-P F-AH0 L-IY0 N-AA1 T-N-AA1 K-OW1 V-ER0 AH0 M-AY1 K-R-AH0 F-OW2-N HH-AA1-R V-IH1-Z DH-EH1 R-AH0 P-L-AH1-G F-AO1-R M-IY1 T-UW1 P-L-AH1-G DH-IH1 S-IH0-N T-UW1


because i'm very... i was too busy looking up star trek quotes before the show started.

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1-M V-EH1 R-IY0 AY1 W-AA1-Z T-UW1 B-IH1 Z-IY0 L-UH1 K-IH0 NG-AH1-P-S T-AA1-R T-R-EH1-K K-W-OW1-T-S B-IH0 F-AO1-R DH-AH0 SH-OW1-S T-AA1-R T-AH0-D


the end of the show, which means i will remind you that this is the free fringe, and so if you can pay something back, remember all those tragic times, please do so.

DH-AH0 EH1-N D-AH1-V DH-AH0 SH-OW1 W-IH1 CH-M-IY1-N Z-AY1 W-IH1-L R-IY0 M-AY1-N D-Y-UW1 DH-AE1-T DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z DH-AH0 F-R-IY1 F-R-IH1-N JH-AH0-N-D S-OW1 IH1 F-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N P-EY1 S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG B-AE1 K-R-IH0 M-EH1-M B-ER0 AO1-L DH-OW1-Z T-R-AE1 JH-IH0-K T-AY1-M-Z P-L-IY1-Z D-UW1 S-OW1


hi everyone. how are we doing? good, lovely. gosh, it's very high-

HH-AY1 EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2-N HH-AW1 AA1 R-W-IY1 D-UW1 IH0-NG G-UH1 D-L-AH1 V-L-IY0 G-AA1 SH-IH1-T-S V-EH1 R-IY0 HH-AY1


so i've had one of these really weird edinburgh days when you're suddenly like, what the hell am i-

S-OW1 AY1-V HH-AE1 D-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-IY1 Z-R-IH1 L-IY0 W-IH1-R D-EH1 D-AH0-N B-ER0 OW0 D-EY1 Z-W-EH1 N-Y-UH1-R S-AH1 D-AH0 N-L-IY0 L-AY1 K-W-AH1-T DH-AH0 HH-EH1 L-AE1 M-AY1


so i don't know if anyone else ever feels like this... this won't be very funny by the way, for the first two minutes. i just had this weird day where i was just like, what am i doing?

S-OW1 AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 IH1 F-EH1 N-IY0 W-AH2 N-EH1-L S-EH1 V-ER0 F-IY1-L Z-L-AY1-K DH-IH1-S DH-IH1 S-W-OW1-N-T B-IY1 V-EH1 R-IY0 F-AH1 N-IY0 B-AY1 DH-AH0 W-EY1 F-AO1-R DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-UW1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AY1 JH-AH1-S-T HH-AE1-D DH-IH1 S-W-IH1-R-D D-EY1 W-EH1 R-AY1 W-AA1-Z JH-AH1-S T-L-AY1 K-W-AH1 T-AE1 M-AY1 D-UW1 IH0-NG


am i a good person? am i listening enough to all my friends?

AE1 M-AY1 AH0 G-UH1-D P-ER1 S-AH0 N-AE1 M-AY1 L-IH1 S-AH0 N-IH0 NG-IH0 N-AH1-F T-UW1 AO1-L M-AY1 F-R-EH1-N-D-Z


to be completely honest with you? i don't know how i fix that. i try and listen more, but it's one of those things where you-

T-UW1 B-IY1 K-AH0-M P-L-IY1 T-L-IY0 AA1 N-AH0-S T-W-IH1 DH-Y-UW1 AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 HH-AW1 AY1 F-IH1-K-S DH-AE1 T-AY1 T-R-AY1 AH0-N D-L-IH1 S-AH0-N M-AO1-R B-AH1 T-IH1-T S-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-OW1-Z TH-IH1-NG Z-W-EH1 R-Y-UW1


if you know things like that about yourself and you think, okay, i'm talking too much, filming too much-

IH1 F-Y-UW1 N-OW1 TH-IH1-NG Z-L-AY1-K DH-AE1 T-AH0 B-AW1 T-Y-ER0 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-Y-UW1 TH-IH1-NG K-OW2 K-EY1 IH1-M T-AO1 K-IH0-NG T-UW1 M-AH1-CH F-IH1-L M-IH0-NG T-UW1 M-AH1-CH


that's why i went into comedy, but, i'm talking too much.

TH-AE1-T S-W-AY1 AY1 W-EH1-N T-IH0-N T-UW1 K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0 B-AH1 T-IH1-M T-AO1 K-IH0-NG T-UW1 M-AH1-CH


how do i listen more? and i try and listen more, and then the little voices come in and-

HH-AW1 D-UW1 AY1 L-IH1 S-AH0-N M-AO1 R-AH0-N D-AY1 T-R-AY1 AH0-N D-L-IH1 S-AH0-N M-AO1 R-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N DH-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L V-OY1 S-AH0-Z K-AH1 M-IH0 N-AH0-N-D


it gets pretty stressful it gets sad, and i do sometimes wonder why-

IH1-T G-EH1-T-S P-R-IH1 T-IY0-S T-R-EH1-S F-AH0 L-IH1-T G-EH1-T-S S-AE1 D-AH0-N D-AY1 D-UW1 S-AH0-M T-AY1-M Z-W-AH1-N D-ER0 W-AY1


maybe it's the inherent need for procreation, but it's always that sense of you needing another person to complete yourself. and i don't.

M-EY1 B-IY0 IH1-T-S DH-AH0 IH0-N HH-IH1 R-AH0-N T-N-IY1-D F-AO1-R P-R-OW1 K-R-IY0 EY1 SH-AH0-N B-AH1 T-IH1-T S-AO1 L-W-EY2-Z DH-AE1-T S-EH1-N S-AH1 V-Y-UW1 N-IY1 D-IH0 NG-AH0 N-AH1 DH-ER0 P-ER1 S-AH0-N T-UW1 K-AH0-M P-L-IY1 T-Y-ER0 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-AY1 D-AA1-N-T


i've been single for a really long time. and i guess i'm trying to find the self-worth in myself that i can still be a valuable person.

AY1-V B-IH1-N S-IH1-NG G-AH0-L F-AO1 R-AH0 R-IH1 L-IY0 L-AO1-NG T-AY1 M-AH0-N D-AY1 G-EH1 S-IH1-M T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1 F-AY1-N-D DH-AH0 S-EH1-L F-W-ER0 TH-IH0-N M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F DH-AE1 T-AY1 K-AE1-N-S T-IH1-L B-IY1 AH0 V-AE1 L-Y-AH0 B-AH0-L P-ER1 S-AH0-N


[inaudible 00:00:12]um, yeah. so i like to think of myself as a positive person.

IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z Z-IH1 R-OW0 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D T-W-EH1-L-V S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-AH1 M-Y-AE1 S-OW1 AY1 L-AY1-K T-UW1 TH-IH1-NG K-AH1 V-M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AE1 Z-AH0 P-AA1 Z-AH0 T-IH0-V P-ER1 S-AH0-N


i'm not always like that. i like to think of myself as a positive person who puts positive energy out in the world-

IH1-M N-AA1 T-AO1 L-W-EY2 Z-L-AY1-K DH-AE1 T-AY1 L-AY1-K T-UW1 TH-IH1-NG K-AH1 V-M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AE1 Z-AH0 P-AA1 Z-AH0 T-IH0-V P-ER1 S-AH0-N HH-UW1 P-UH1-T-S P-AA1 Z-AH0 T-IH0 V-EH1 N-ER0 JH-IY0 AW1 T-IH0-N DH-AH0 W-ER1-L-D


-usually when i'm not sitting on my own, having a little cry, but i don't always get that back.

Y-UW1 ZH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 W-EH1 N-IH1-M N-AA1-T S-IH1 T-IH0 NG-AA1-N M-AY1 OW1-N HH-AE1 V-IH0 NG-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L K-R-AY1 B-AH1 T-AY1 D-AA1-N T-AO1 L-W-EY2-Z G-EH1-T DH-AE1-T B-AE1-K


i do get insulted quite a lot, usually by strangers. obviously my friends are wonderful and really supportive-

AY1 D-UW1 G-EH1 T-IH0-N S-AH1-L T-IH0-D K-W-AY1 T-AH0 L-AA1 T-Y-UW1 ZH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 B-AY1-S T-R-EY1-N JH-ER0 Z-AA1-B V-IY0 AH0 S-L-IY0 M-AY1 F-R-EH1-N-D Z-AA1 R-W-AH1-N D-ER0 F-AH0 L-AH0-N D-R-IH1 L-IY0 S-AH0 P-AO1-R T-IH0-V


-i guess, especially for women is to insult what they look like. nowhere is this more prevalent than at the fringe when you have to fly with your own face and that's fucking brilliant.

AY1 G-EH1 S-AH0-S P-EH1 SH-L-IY0 F-AO1 R-W-IH1 M-AH0 N-IH1-Z T-UW1 IH2-N S-AH1-L T-W-AH1-T DH-EY1 L-UH1 K-L-AY1 K-N-OW1 W-EH2 R-IH1-Z DH-IH1 S-M-AO1-R P-R-EH1 V-AH0 L-AH0-N-T DH-AE1 N-AE1-T DH-AH0 F-R-IH1-N JH-W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 HH-AE1-V T-UW1 F-L-AY1 W-IH1 DH-Y-AO1 R-OW1-N F-EY1 S-AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T-S F-AH1 K-IH0-NG B-R-IH1 L-Y-AH0-N-T


photoshop, yeah, like a lot of photoshop on it might work.

F-OW1 T-AH0 SH-AA2 P-Y-AE1 L-AY1 K-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V F-OW1 T-AH0 SH-AA2 P-AA1 N-IH1 T-M-AY1 T-W-ER1-K


no, but i mean, i did pay a professional photographer a shitload of money to make me look that good.

N-OW1 B-AH1 T-AY1 M-IY1 N-AY1 D-IH1-D P-EY1 AH0 P-R-AH0 F-EH1 SH-AH0 N-AH0-L F-AH0 T-AA1 G-R-AH0 F-ER0 AH0 SH-IH1 T-L-OW2 D-AH1 V-M-AH1 N-IY0 T-UW1 M-EY1 K-M-IY1 L-UH1-K DH-AE1-T G-UH1-D


so yeah, i get compared to being a man quite a lot, and there's nothing wrong with being a man.

S-OW1 Y-AE1 AY1 G-EH1-T K-AH0-M P-EH1-R-D T-UW1 B-IY1 IH0 NG-AH0 M-AE1-N K-W-AY1 T-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-R Z-N-AH1 TH-IH0 NG-R-AO1 NG-W-IH1-DH B-IY1 IH0 NG-AH0 M-AE1-N


i want to put them inside me, right? so that's not what the problem is. i just don't really want to look like one. got told once that i looked exactly like matt berry.

AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 P-UH1-T DH-EH1 M-IH0-N S-AY1 D-M-IY1 R-AY1-T S-OW1 TH-AE1-T S-N-AA1 T-W-AH1-T DH-AH0 P-R-AA1 B-L-AH0 M-IH1 Z-AY1 JH-AH1-S-T D-AA1-N T-R-IH1 L-IY0 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 L-UH1 K-L-AY1 K-W-AH1-N G-AA1-T T-OW1-L D-W-AH1-N-S DH-AE1 T-AY1 L-UH1-K T-IH0-G Z-AE1-K T-L-IY0 L-AY1 K-M-AE1-T B-EH1 R-IY0


now, if you don't know who he is, he's a very talented, very funny man. he's also a big fat man. don't want to look exactly-

N-AW1 IH1 F-Y-UW1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 HH-UW1 HH-IY1 IH1-Z HH-IY1 Z-AH0 V-EH1 R-IY0 T-AE1 L-AH0-N T-AH0-D V-EH1 R-IY0 F-AH1 N-IY0 M-AE1-N HH-IY1 Z-AO1-L S-OW0 AH0 B-IH1-G F-AE1 T-M-AE1-N D-AA1-N T-W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 L-UH1 K-IH0-G Z-AE1-K T-L-IY0


you look really tired. are you ill? nope. it's just my face. but-

Y-UW1 L-UH1 K-R-IH1 L-IY0 T-AY1 ER0 D-AA1 R-Y-UW1 IH1-L N-OW1 P-IH1-T-S JH-AH1-S T-M-AY1 F-EY1-S B-AH1-T


-this guy got a bit creative, got a bit different, and he said to me, "oh, lydia, that's, um..."

DH-IH1-S G-AY1 G-AA1 T-AH0 B-IH1-T K-R-IY0 EY1 T-IH0-V G-AA1 T-AH0 B-IH1-T D-IH1 F-ER0 AH0-N T-AH0-N-D HH-IY1 S-EH1-D T-UW1 M-IY1 OW1 L-IH1 D-IY0 AH0 TH-AE1-T S-AH1-M


handsome is an adjective used exclusively to describe men, okay? that is not a compliment.

HH-AE1-N S-AH0 M-IH1 Z-AE1 N-AE1 JH-IH0-K T-IH0 V-Y-UW1-Z D-IH0-K-S K-L-UW1 S-IH0 V-L-IY0 T-UW1 D-IH0-S K-R-AY1 B-M-EH1 N-OW2 K-EY1 DH-AE1 T-IH1 Z-N-AA1 T-AH0 K-AA1-M P-L-AH0 M-AH0-N-T


yeah, might be lying about that positive person thing. oh yeah.

Y-AE1 M-AY1-T B-IY1 L-AY1 IH0 NG-AH0 B-AW1-T DH-AE1-T P-AA1 Z-AH0 T-IH0-V P-ER1 S-AH0-N TH-IH1 NG-OW1 Y-AE1


i definitely have my dips. i'm not going to lie. i wrote a really bleak song that i really liked, so i'm going to chuck in just before i go.

AY1 D-EH1 F-AH0 N-AH0 T-L-IY0 HH-AE1 V-M-AY1 D-IH1-P S-IH1-M N-AA1-T G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 L-AY1 AY1 R-OW1 T-AH0 R-IH1 L-IY0 B-L-IY1-K S-AO1-NG DH-AE1 T-AY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 L-AY1-K-T S-OW1 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 CH-AH1 K-IH0-N JH-AH1-S-T B-IH0 F-AO1 R-AY1 G-OW1


i'll plug my show because god knows after you hear the bleak song-

IH1-L P-L-AH1 G-M-AY1 SH-OW1 B-IH0 K-AO1-Z G-AA1 D-N-OW1 Z-AE1-F T-ER0 Y-UW1 HH-IY1-R DH-AH0 B-L-IY1-K S-AO1-NG


-i don't think you'll be able to absorb any of it. so my show is called lydia king: a date with density.

AY1 D-AA1-N-T TH-IH1-NG K-Y-UW1-L B-IY1 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 AH0-B Z-AO1-R B-EH1 N-IY0 AH1 V-IH1-T S-OW1 M-AY1 SH-OW1 IH1-Z K-AO1-L D-L-IH1 D-IY0 AH0 K-IH1 NG-AH0 D-EY1 T-W-IH1-DH D-EH1-N S-AH0 T-IY0


it is not as miserable as the beginning of this set was. sorry. i had a review today-

IH1 T-IH1 Z-N-AA1 T-AE1 Z-M-IH1 Z-ER0 AH0 B-AH0 L-AE1-Z DH-AH0 B-IH0 G-IH1 N-IH0 NG-AH1-V DH-IH1-S S-EH1 T-W-AA1-Z S-AA1 R-IY0 AY1 HH-AE1 D-AH0 R-IY2 V-Y-UW1 T-AH0 D-EY1


-review actually, ostensibly, but i think the physical manifestation of that review was this-

R-IY2 V-Y-UW1 AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 AA0-S T-EH1-N S-AH0 B-L-IY0 B-AH1 T-AY1 TH-IH1-NG-K DH-AH0 F-IH1 Z-IH0 K-AH0-L M-AE2 N-AH0 F-EH0-S T-EY1 SH-AH0 N-AH1-V DH-AE1 T-R-IY2 V-Y-UW1 W-AA1-Z DH-IH1-S


-where he basically said that i was really great, and then he was like, "but not this."

W-EH1-R HH-IY1 B-EY1 S-IH0 K-L-IY0 S-EH1-D DH-AE1 T-AY1 W-AA1 Z-R-IH1 L-IY0 G-R-EY1 T-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N HH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-L-AY1-K B-AH1 T-N-AA1-T DH-IH1-S


"but this is fantastic, but this is shit." and it's like, oh, what-

B-AH1-T DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z F-AE0-N T-AE1-S T-IH0-K B-AH1-T DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z SH-IH1 T-AH0-N D-IH1-T S-L-AY1 K-OW1 W-AH1-T


so that's why i'm in a weird mood.

S-OW1 TH-AE1-T S-W-AY1 IH1 M-IH0 N-AH0 W-IH1-R D-M-UW1-D


yeah, so my show is on at 11:00 pm at the underbelly at med quad.

Y-AE1 S-OW1 M-AY1 SH-OW1 IH1 Z-AA1 N-AE1 T-IH0 L-EH1 V-AH0-N P-IY1 EH1 M-AE1-T DH-AH0 AH1-N D-ER0 B-EH2 L-IY0 AE1 T-M-EH1-D K-W-AA1-D


[inaudible 00:02:39] so this is the second time i've stood up. you know, i'm usually sitting down. right, well-

IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z T-UW1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 N-AY1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z S-OW1 DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z DH-AH0 S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D T-AY1 M-AY1-V-S T-UH1 D-AH1 P-Y-UW1 N-OW1 AY1 AE1 M-Y-UW1 ZH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 S-IH1 T-IH0-NG D-AW1 N-R-AY1 T-W-EH1-L


you might not be that sad.

Y-UW1 M-AY1 T-N-AA1-T B-IY1 DH-AE1-T S-AE1-D


however, i'm going to use my notes because i am going be talking about alzheimer's and i wouldn't want to forget anything.

HH-AW2 EH1 V-ER0 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 Y-UW1 Z-M-AY1 N-OW1-T-S B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 AE1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG B-IY1 T-AO1 K-IH0 NG-AH0 B-AW1 T-AE1-L-Z HH-AY0 M-ER0 Z-AH0-N D-AY1 W-UH1 D-L-AH0-N T-W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 F-ER0 G-EH1 T-EH1 N-IY0 TH-IH2-NG


that's the first joke, so that's where i was going to go. yeah, so my lovely, lovely grandma-

TH-AE1-T-S DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T JH-OW1-K S-OW1 TH-AE1-T S-W-EH1 R-AY1 W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 G-OW1 Y-AE1 S-OW1 M-AY1 L-AH1 V-L-IY0 L-AH1 V-L-IY0 G-R-AE1 M-AA0


-edna has dementia, and for quite a number of years-

EH1 D-N-AH0 HH-AE1-Z D-IH0 M-EH1-N SH-IY0 AH0 AH0-N-D F-AO1-R K-W-AY1 T-AH0 N-AH1-M B-ER0 AH1 V-Y-IH1-R-Z


-i looked after her, but now she lives in a dementia home in yorkshire. so can i get a big whoop for edna?

AY1 L-UH1-K T-AE1-F T-ER0 HH-ER0 B-AH1 T-N-AW1 SH-IY1 L-IH1-V Z-IH0 N-AH0 D-IH0 M-EH1-N SH-IY0 AH0 HH-OW1 M-IH0 N-Y-AO1-R-K SH-ER0 S-OW1 K-AE1 N-AY1 G-EH1 T-AH0 B-IH1 G-W-UW1-P F-AO1 R-EH1 D-N-AH0


i mean, she can't... even if she was in this room, she wouldn't be able to hear you, so never mind.

AY1 M-IY1-N SH-IY1 K-AE1-N T-IY1 V-IH0 N-IH1-F SH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-IH0-N DH-IH1 S-R-UW1-M SH-IY1 W-UH1 D-L-AH0-N-T B-IY1 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 HH-IY1 R-Y-UW1 S-OW1 N-EH1 V-ER0 M-AY1-N-D


all right. yeah, it's true. whatever. but yeah, we have a lot of fun-

AO1-L R-AY1 T-Y-AE1 IH1-T-S T-R-UW1 W-AH2 T-EH1 V-ER0 B-AH1 T-Y-AE1 W-IY1 HH-AE1 V-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V F-AH1-N


-together. like on several occasions, she did great things with food.

T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 L-AY1 K-AA1-N S-EH1 V-R-AH0 L-AH0 K-EY1 ZH-AH0-N-Z SH-IY1 D-IH1-D G-R-EY1-T TH-IH1-NG Z-W-IH1-DH F-UW1-D


for instance, once she burned all her sausages, and the fire engine... the fire engine?

F-AO1 R-IH1-N-S T-AH0-N S-W-AH1-N-S SH-IY1 B-ER1-N D-AO1-L HH-ER0 S-AO1 S-IH0 JH-IH0 Z-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 F-AY1 ER0 EH1-N JH-AH0-N DH-AH0 F-AY1 ER0 EH1-N JH-AH0-N


the fire brigade came all the way out to where she lived, which was this assisted living. by the time the fire engine had got there-

DH-AH0 F-AY1 ER0 B-R-AH0 G-EY1-D K-EY1 M-AO1-L DH-AH0 W-EY1 AW1-T T-UW1 W-EH1-R SH-IY1 L-AY1-V D-W-IH1 CH-W-AA1-Z DH-IH1 S-AH0 S-IH1-S T-AH0 D-L-IH1 V-IH0-NG B-AY1 DH-AH0 T-AY1-M DH-AH0 F-AY1 ER0 EH1-N JH-AH0-N HH-AE1-D G-AA1-T DH-EH1-R


-where's all the smoke coming from? she'd eaten all of this.

W-EH1-R Z-AO1-L DH-AH0 S-M-OW1-K K-AH1 M-IH0-NG F-R-AH1-M SH-EH1 D-IY1 T-AH0 N-AO1 L-AH1-V DH-IH1-S


so i'd get into her nighty, get her into bed, take her teeth out, put them in the little thing-

S-OW1 IH1-D G-EH1 T-IH0-N T-UW1 HH-ER0 N-AY1 T-IY0 G-EH1-T HH-ER0 IH0-N T-UW1 B-EH1-D T-EY1-K HH-ER0 T-IY1 TH-AW1-T P-UH1-T DH-EH1 M-IH0-N DH-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L TH-IH1-NG


-give her a quick [inaudible 00:04:03].

G-IH1-V HH-ER0 AH0 K-W-IH1 K-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z F-AO1-R M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-R-IY1 S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z


go out, i'd lock the door, be walking down the corridor, and then the door would open. she'd... "bye."

G-OW1 AW1 T-IH1 D-L-AA1-K DH-AH0 D-AO1-R B-IY1 W-AO1 K-IH0-NG D-AW1-N DH-AH0 K-AO1 R-AH0 D-ER0 AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N DH-AH0 D-AO1 R-W-UH1 D-OW1 P-AH0-N SH-EH1-D B-AY1


you know, she wanted to say goodbye to me, and that's very touching, very sweet.

Y-UW1 N-OW1 SH-IY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D T-UW1 S-EY1 G-UH2-D B-AY1 T-UW1 M-IY1 AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T-S V-EH1 R-IY0 T-AH1 CH-IH0-NG V-EH1 R-IY0 S-W-IY1-T


she doesn't now live near me and i don't get to see her as much.

SH-IY1 D-OW1 S-AH0-N T-N-AW1 L-AY1 V-N-IH1-R M-IY1 AH0-N D-AY1 D-AA1-N-T G-EH1-T T-UW1 S-IY1 HH-ER0 AE1 Z-M-AH1-CH


that's the tragedy part of it. then there's another grandma, grandma-

TH-AE1-T-S DH-AH0 T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 P-AA1-R T-AH1 V-IH1-T DH-EH1-N DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 N-AH1 DH-ER0 G-R-AE1 M-AA0 G-R-AE1 M-AA0


-jan. still dyes her hair blonde, but the thing is, she used to be a guerlain salesperson, so she's really into makeup.

JH-AE1-N-S T-IH1-L D-AY1-Z HH-ER0 HH-EH1-R B-L-AA1-N-D B-AH1-T DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-IH1-Z SH-IY1 Y-UW1-S-T T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0 G-ER1 L-AH0-N S-EY1-L-Z P-ER2 S-AH0-N S-OW1 SH-EH1 S-R-IH1 L-IY0 IH0-N T-UW1 M-EY1 K-AH2-P


the thing is that she's got parkinson's.

DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-IH1-Z DH-AE1-T SH-EH1-S G-AA1-T P-AA1-R K-IH0-N S-AH0-N-Z


shaky hands, but she still likes to do her makeup. you see where i'm going with this?

SH-EY1 K-IY0 HH-AE1-N-D-Z B-AH1-T SH-IY1-S T-IH1-L L-AY1-K-S T-UW1 D-UW1 HH-ER0 M-EY1 K-AH2 P-Y-UW1 S-IY1 W-EH1 R-IH1-M G-OW1 IH0 NG-W-IH1-DH DH-IH1-S


yeah, she likes to do her eyebrows.

Y-AE1 SH-IY1 L-AY1-K-S T-UW1 D-UW1 HH-ER0 AY1 B-R-AW2-Z


[inaudible 00:04:52], doing a macbeth recit-

IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z F-AO1-R M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D F-IH1-F T-IY0 T-UW1 S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z D-UW1 IH0 NG-AH0 M-AH0-K B-EH1 TH-R-EH1 S-IH0-T


-tal. actually the tragedy of that is that jan is in fact-

T-AA1 L-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 DH-AH0 T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 AH1-V DH-AE1 T-IH1-Z DH-AE1-T JH-AE1 N-IH1 Z-IH0-N F-AE1-K-T


no, she's yeah, she's fine. no, she just decided-

N-OW1 SH-EH1 S-Y-AE1 SH-EH1-S F-AY1-N N-OW1 SH-IY1 JH-AH1-S-T D-IH0 S-AY1 D-IH0-D


-to, and she decided. i liked that. she had the gumption to say, you know what i'm done with this. i'm going.

T-UW1 AH0-N-D SH-IY1 D-IH0 S-AY1 D-IH0 D-AY1 L-AY1-K-T DH-AE1-T SH-IY1 HH-AE1-D DH-AH0 G-AH1-M-P SH-AH0-N T-UW1 S-EY1 Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-AH1 T-IH1-M D-AH1 N-W-IH1-DH DH-IH1 S-IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG


oh, i mean, that's so unfair, isn't it? very convenient for him though. actually, i think all men-

OW1 AY1 M-IY1-N TH-AE1-T-S S-OW1 AH0-N F-EH1 R-IH1 S-AH0-N T-IH1-T V-EH1 R-IY0 K-AH0-N V-IY1 N-Y-AH0-N-T F-AO1-R HH-IH1-M DH-OW1 AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 AY1 TH-IH1-NG K-AO1-L M-EH1-N


actually i've gone and done some research into this.

AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 AY1-V G-AO1 N-AH0-N-D D-AH1-N S-AH1 M-R-IY0 S-ER1 CH-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-IH1-S


i'm like, yeah, go for it. i mean, if edna turns into a lesbian now-

IH1 M-L-AY1 K-Y-AE1 G-OW1 F-AO1 R-IH1 T-AY1 M-IY1 N-IH1 F-EH1 D-N-AH0 T-ER1-N Z-IH0-N T-UW1 AH0 L-EH1-Z B-IY0 AH0-N N-AW1


-i'll be like, great. dude, i'll be-

IH1-L B-IY1 L-AY1-K G-R-EY1-T D-UW1 D-IH1-L B-IY1


and the first 10 pages didn't change much, and it's had a great response, so that's kind of awesome.

AH0-N-D DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-EH1-N P-EY1 JH-AH0-Z D-IH1 D-AH0-N-T CH-EY1-N JH-M-AH1 CH-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S HH-AE1 D-AH0 G-R-EY1 T-R-IH0-S P-AA1-N-S S-OW1 TH-AE1-T-S K-AY1-N D-AH1 V-AA1 S-AH0-M


but i'll plug that later. i'm going to try and do three poems.

B-AH1 T-IH1-L P-L-AH1-G DH-AE1 T-L-EY1 T-ER0 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 T-R-AY1 AH0-N-D D-UW1 TH-R-IY1 P-OW1 AH0-M-Z


just give me a shot, but i'm going to do three poems that i haven't performed in a year.

JH-AH1-S-T G-IH1 V-M-IY1 AH0 SH-AA1-T B-AH1 T-IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 TH-R-IY1 P-OW1 AH0-M-Z DH-AE1 T-AY1 HH-AE1 V-AH0-N-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R-M D-IH0 N-AH0 Y-IH1-R


-that's all right. if you don't like these, then i've performed my show every day for the last 20 days-

TH-AE1-T S-AO1-L R-AY1 T-IH1 F-Y-UW1 D-AA1-N T-L-AY1-K DH-IY1-Z DH-EH1 N-AY1-V P-ER0 F-AO1-R-M D-M-AY1 SH-OW1 EH1 V-ER0 IY0 D-EY1 F-AO1-R DH-AH0 L-AE1-S-T T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 D-EY1-Z


-so it's better. this first one-

S-OW1 IH1-T-S B-EH1 T-ER0 DH-IH1-S F-ER1-S T-W-AH1-N


-these are all just stuff that seemed quite tragic.

DH-IY1 Z-AA1 R-AO1-L JH-AH1-S-T-S T-AH1-F DH-AE1-T S-IY1-M-D K-W-AY1-T T-R-AE1 JH-IH0-K


this first one i wrote about a year ago, and it's called ian.

DH-IH1-S F-ER1-S T-W-AH1 N-AY1 R-OW1 T-AH0 B-AW1 T-AH0 Y-IH1 R-AH0 G-OW1 AH0-N D-IH1-T-S K-AO1-L D-IY1 AH0-N


today i went hiking in marseille in the wrong bloody shoes.

T-AH0 D-EY1 AY1 W-EH1-N-T HH-AY1 K-IH0 NG-IH0-N M-AA0-R S-AY1 L-IH0-N DH-AH0 R-AO1-NG B-L-AH1 D-IY0 SH-UW1-Z


somehow i seemed to miss the clues, turned french mountain climbers striding past in walking boots-

S-AH1-M HH-AW2 AY1 S-IY1-M-D T-UW1 M-IH1-S DH-AH0 K-L-UW1-Z T-ER1-N-D F-R-EH1-N CH-M-AW1-N T-AH0-N K-L-AY1 M-ER0-Z-S T-R-AY1 D-IH0-NG P-AE1-S T-IH0 N-W-AO1 K-IH0-NG B-UW1-T-S


flip, son of a bitch, flop, and shit, shit, shit.

F-L-IH1-P S-AH1 N-AH1 V-AH0 B-IH1-CH F-L-AA1 P-AH0-N-D SH-IH1-T SH-IH1-T SH-IH1-T


and how you would give the world to walk that blistering hour in my broken shoes.

AH0-N-D HH-AW1 Y-UW1 W-UH1-D G-IH1-V DH-AH0 W-ER1-L-D T-UW1 W-AO1-K DH-AE1-T B-L-IH1-S T-ER0 IH0 NG-AW1 ER0 IH0-N M-AY1 B-R-OW1 K-AH0-N SH-UW1-Z


...every day, when you wander the streets of piccadilly barefoot. and to those who say that your mountain is just another man's molehill-

EH1 V-ER0 IY0 D-EY1 W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 W-AA1-N D-ER0 DH-AH0-S T-R-IY1-T S-AH1-V P-IH1 K-AH0 D-IH2 L-IY0 B-EH1-R F-UH2 T-AH0-N-D T-UW1 DH-OW1-Z HH-UW1 S-EY1 DH-AE1 T-Y-AO1-R M-AW1-N T-AH0 N-IH1-Z JH-AH1-S T-AH0 N-AH1 DH-ER0 M-AE1-N Z-M-OW1-L HH-IH2-L


-i will tell them that even molehills crunch harder under the naked foot than the snow that caps-

AY1 W-IH1-L T-EH1-L DH-EH1-M DH-AE1 T-IY1 V-IH0-N M-OW1-L HH-IH2-L-Z K-R-AH1-N-CH HH-AA1-R D-ER0 AH1-N D-ER0 DH-AH0 N-EY1 K-AH0-D F-UH1-T DH-AE1-N DH-AH0 S-N-OW1 DH-AE1-T K-AE1-P-S


all we will ever see of this tube map-like complexity is a neat little pile of dirt at the entrance-

AO1 L-W-IY1 W-IH1 L-EH1 V-ER0 S-IY1 AH1-V DH-IH1-S T-UW1 B-M-AE1 P-L-IH0-K K-AH0-M P-L-EH1-K S-AH0 T-IY0 IH1 Z-AH0 N-IY1 T-L-IH1 T-AH0-L P-AY1 L-AH1-V D-ER1 T-AE1-T DH-AH0 EH1-N T-R-AH0-N-S


-because they are just building molehills, and we don't have time for your little mole hill because we have more important-

B-IH0 K-AO1-Z DH-EY1 AA1-R JH-AH1-S-T B-IH1-L D-IH0-NG M-OW1-L HH-IH2-L Z-AH0-N D-W-IY1 D-AA1-N-T HH-AE1-V T-AY1-M F-AO1 R-Y-AO1-R L-IH1 T-AH0-L M-OW1-L HH-IH1-L B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-W-IY1 HH-AE1 V-M-AO1 R-IH0-M P-AO1-R T-AH0-N-T


-i said, we have more important mountains to climb, and it's fine.

AY1 S-EH1 D-W-IY1 HH-AE1 V-M-AO1 R-IH0-M P-AO1-R T-AH0-N T-M-AW1-N T-AH0-N-Z T-UW1 K-L-AY1 M-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S F-AY1-N


you stutter, as he spits warm wine at you, sat in the gutter, and mutters in broken-

Y-UW1-S T-AH1 T-ER0 AE1-Z HH-IY1-S P-IH1-T S-W-AO1-R M-W-AY1 N-AE1 T-Y-UW1 S-AE1 T-IH0-N DH-AH0 G-AH1 T-ER0 AH0-N D-M-AH1 T-ER0 Z-IH0-N B-R-OW1 K-AH0-N


-english, "homeless man, why you no shoes? homeless man..."

IH1-NG G-L-IH0-SH HH-OW1 M-L-AH0 S-M-AE1 N-W-AY1 Y-UW1 N-OW1 SH-UW1-Z HH-OW1 M-L-AH0 S-M-AE1-N


but i tell you what, ian, and yes, i remember your name, ian, it's not fine.

B-AH1 T-AY1 T-EH1 L-Y-UW1 W-AH1 T-IY1 AH0 N-AH0-N D-Y-EH1 S-AY1 R-IH0 M-EH1-M B-ER0 Y-AO1-R N-EY1 M-IY1 AH0 N-IH1-T S-N-AA1-T F-AY1-N


because as i curse myself and my inappropriate choice of footwear at the peak of a mountain in marseille, for fuck's sake, sarah, excuse-

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AE1 Z-AY1 K-ER1 S-M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-AH0-N D-M-AY1 IH2 N-AH0 P-R-OW1 P-R-IY0 IH0-T CH-OY1 S-AH1-V F-UH1 T-W-EH2 R-AE1-T DH-AH0 P-IY1 K-AH1 V-AH0 M-AW1-N T-AH0 N-IH0-N M-AA0-R S-AY1-L F-AO1-R F-AH1-K-S S-EY1-K S-EH1 R-AH0 IH0-K-S K-Y-UW1-S


i was there, 11:00 am, like we agreed.

AY1 W-AA1-Z DH-EH1 R-IH0 L-EH1 V-AH0 N-AE1 M-L-AY1 K-W-IY1 AH0 G-R-IY1-D


i never planned for the fact that you probably don't own a watch, and time for you is not a promise that in one hour-

AY1 N-EH1 V-ER0 P-L-AE1-N-D F-AO1-R DH-AH0 F-AE1-K-T DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 P-R-AA1 B-AH0 B-L-IY0 D-AA1-N T-OW1 N-AH0 W-AA1 CH-AH0-N-D T-AY1-M F-AO1 R-Y-UW1 IH1 Z-N-AA1 T-AH0 P-R-AA1 M-AH0-S DH-AE1 T-IH0 N-W-AH1 N-AW1 ER0


-i can rub cream into my feet and find relief in walking barefoot on the beach. no.

AY1 K-AE1 N-R-AH1-B K-R-IY1 M-IH0-N T-UW1 M-AY1 F-IY1 T-AH0-N-D F-AY1-N D-R-IH0 L-IY1 F-IH0 N-W-AO1 K-IH0-NG B-EH1-R F-UH2 T-AA1-N DH-AH0 B-IY1 CH-N-OW1


time for you is measured only in footsteps.

T-AY1-M F-AO1 R-Y-UW1 IH1 Z-M-EH1 ZH-ER0 D-OW1 N-L-IY0 IH0-N F-UH1-T-S T-EH2-P-S


27 between piccadilly and the place we agreed to meet. i counted, and, ian, you do that barefoot. we're talking london streets, and london streets, as you well know, are far from paved with gold.

T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 S-EH1 V-AH0-N B-IH0 T-W-IY1-N P-IH1 K-AH0 D-IH2 L-IY0 AH0-N-D DH-AH0 P-L-EY1 S-W-IY1 AH0 G-R-IY1-D T-UW1 M-IY1 T-AY1 K-AW1-N T-AH0 D-AH0-N D-IY1 AH0 N-Y-UW1 D-UW1 DH-AE1-T B-EH1-R F-UH2 T-W-ER0 T-AO1 K-IH0 NG-L-AH1-N D-AH0-N-S T-R-IY1-T S-AH0-N D-L-AH1-N D-AH0-N-S T-R-IY1-T S-AE1 Z-Y-UW1 W-EH1-L N-OW1 AA1-R F-AA1-R F-R-AH1-M P-EY1-V D-W-IH1-DH G-OW1-L-D


how i wish that you had shoes for me to walk a mile in.

HH-AW1 AY1 W-IH1-SH DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 HH-AE1-D SH-UW1-Z F-AO1-R M-IY1 T-UW1 W-AO1 K-AH0 M-AY1 L-IH0-N


all i can say is how deeply i know that i am lucky to have walked so many in mine, and how this mountain-

AO1 L-AY1 K-AE1-N S-EY1 IH1-Z HH-AW1 D-IY1 P-L-IY0 AY1 N-OW1 DH-AE1 T-AY1 AE1 M-L-AH1 K-IY0 T-UW1 HH-AE1 V-W-AO1-K-T S-OW1 M-EH1 N-IY0 IH0-N M-AY1 N-AH0-N-D HH-AW1 DH-IH1 S-M-AW1-N T-AH0-N


-how this mountain is so much easier to climb.

HH-AW1 DH-IH1 S-M-AW1-N T-AH0 N-IH1-Z S-OW1 M-AH1 CH-IY1 Z-IY0 ER0 T-UW1 K-L-AY1-M


yes. do you remember what-

Y-EH1-S D-UW1 Y-UW1 R-IH0 M-EH1-M B-ER0 W-AH1-T


we're talking about my best friends who through thick and thin keep me afloat, but i didn't want to step on-

W-ER0 T-AO1 K-IH0 NG-AH0 B-AW1 T-M-AY1 B-EH1-S-T F-R-EH1-N-D-Z HH-UW1 TH-R-UW1 TH-IH1 K-AH0-N-D TH-IH1-N K-IY1 P-M-IY1 AH0 F-L-OW1-T B-AH1 T-AY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N T-W-AA1-N-T T-UW1-S T-EH1 P-AA1-N


-their toes so i sat on my words. i didn't want to rock the boat, so we avoided the issue.

DH-EH1-R T-OW1-Z S-OW1 AY1 S-AE1 T-AA1-N M-AY1 W-ER1-D Z-AY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N T-W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 R-AA1-K DH-AH0 B-OW1-T S-OW1 W-IY1 AH0 V-OY1 D-AH0-D DH-AH0 IH1 SH-UW0


but somehow the awkwardness seemed to entirely miss you.

B-AH1-T S-AH1-M HH-AW2 DH-AH0 AO1 K-W-ER0 D-N-AH0-S S-IY1-M-D T-UW1 IH0-N T-AY1 ER0 L-IY0 M-IH1 S-Y-UW1


but you were unaware of this. you didn't even notice. not even the remotest hint of an acknowledgement of this.

B-AH1 T-Y-UW1 W-ER0 AH2 N-AH0 W-EH1 R-AH1-V DH-IH1 S-Y-UW1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N T-IY1 V-IH0-N N-OW1 T-AH0 S-N-AA1 T-IY1 V-IH0-N DH-AH0 R-IH0 M-OW1 T-AH0-S-T HH-IH1-N T-AH1 V-AE1 N-AE0 K-N-AA1 L-IH0 JH-M-AH0-N T-AH1-V DH-IH1-S


however often it happens, it-

HH-AW2 EH1 V-ER0 AO1 F-AH0 N-IH1-T HH-AE1 P-AH0-N Z-IH1-T


-never fails to shock me that in this day and age, people like you never see the errors of your ways.

N-EH1 V-ER0 F-EY1-L-Z T-UW1 SH-AA1 K-M-IY1 DH-AE1 T-IH0-N DH-IH1-S D-EY1 AH0-N D-EY1-JH P-IY1 P-AH0-L L-AY1 K-Y-UW1 N-EH1 V-ER0 S-IY1 DH-AH0 EH1 R-ER0 Z-AH1 V-Y-AO1 R-W-EY1-Z


no, it wasn't a mistake. no, it's not on the wrong finger.

N-OW1 IH1 T-W-AO1-S T-AH0 M-IH0-S T-EY1 K-N-OW1 IH1-T S-N-AA1 T-AA1-N DH-AH0 R-AO1-NG F-IH1-NG G-ER0


no, it's not new age, and no, she didn't propose. no.

N-OW1 IH1-T S-N-AA1 T-N-UW1 EY1 JH-AH0-N D-N-OW1 SH-IY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N-T P-R-AH0 P-OW1 Z-N-OW1


think about it. i won't spell it out for you.

TH-IH1-NG K-AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1 T-AY1 W-OW1-N-T-S P-EH1 L-IH1 T-AW1-T F-AO1 R-Y-UW1


eventually it will come to you, and when it does, i hope it humbles you. i hope it trips you up and stumbles you. i hope it refreshes your memory and tumbles-

IH0 V-EH1-N CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 IH1 T-W-IH1-L K-AH1-M T-UW1 Y-UW1 AH0-N D-W-EH1 N-IH1-T D-AH1 Z-AY1 HH-OW1 P-IH1-T HH-AH1-M B-AH0-L Z-Y-UW1 AY1 HH-OW1 P-IH1-T T-R-IH1-P S-Y-UW1 AH1 P-AH0-N-D-S T-AH1-M B-AH0-L Z-Y-UW1 AY1 HH-OW1 P-IH1 T-R-IH0 F-R-EH1 SH-IH0 Z-Y-AO1-R M-EH1 M-ER0 IY0 AH0-N-D T-AH1-M B-AH0-L-Z


-you headfirst into the 21st century. my best friends-

Y-UW1 HH-EH1-D F-ER1-S T-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 F-ER1-S-T S-EH1-N CH-ER0 IY0 M-AY1 B-EH1-S-T F-R-EH1-N-D-Z


...to be a disappointment.

T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0 D-IH2 S-AH0 P-OY1-N T-M-AH0-N-T


girl, i always thought that i'd grow up into a kind of, like, pirate ninja badass, the kind of person who would genuinely wear these boots all the time.

G-ER1 L-AY1 AO1 L-W-EY2-Z TH-AO1-T DH-AE1 T-IH1-D G-R-OW1 AH1 P-IH0-N T-UW1 AH0 K-AY1-N D-AH1 V-L-AY1-K P-AY1 R-AH0 T-N-IH1-N JH-AH0 B-AA1 D-AH0-S DH-AH0 K-AY1-N D-AH1-V P-ER1 S-AH0-N HH-UW1 W-UH1-D JH-EH1 N-Y-AH0 W-AH0 N-L-IY0 W-EH1-R DH-IY1-Z B-UW1-T S-AO1-L DH-AH0 T-AY1-M


but what happened is-


i grew up and i got a job in communications and i turned into one of these people who doesn't want to make a big thing out of it. but actually if you don't get your quarterly reports in, it makes it really difficult for me to compile the sales figures.

AY1 G-R-UW1 AH1 P-AH0-N D-AY1 G-AA1 T-AH0 JH-AA1 B-IH0-N K-AH0 M-Y-UW2 N-AH0 K-EY1 SH-AH0-N Z-AH0-N D-AY1 T-ER1-N D-IH0-N T-UW1 W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-IY1-Z P-IY1 P-AH0-L HH-UW1 D-OW1 S-AH0-N T-W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 M-EY1 K-AH0 B-IH1-G TH-IH1 NG-AW1 T-AH1 V-IH1-T B-AH1 T-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 IH1 F-Y-UW1 D-AA1-N-T G-EH1 T-Y-AO1-R K-W-AO1-R T-ER0 L-IY0 R-IH0 P-AO1-R-T S-IH0 N-IH1 T-M-EY1-K S-IH1 T-R-IH1 L-IY0 D-IH1 F-AH0 K-AH0-L-T F-AO1-R M-IY1 T-UW1 K-AH0-M P-AY1-L DH-AH0 S-EY1-L-Z F-IH1 G-Y-ER0-Z


quit, cups of tea.


up yours, nemesis. i will shout...

AH1 P-Y-UH1-R Z-N-EH1 M-AH0 S-IH0 S-AY1 W-IH1-L SH-AW1-T


very loudly in my head.

V-EH1 R-IY0 L-AW1 D-L-IY0 IH0-N M-AY1 HH-EH1-D


...old one now, from a show i did a couple of years ago called, "lullabies to make your children cry."

OW1-L D-W-AH1-N N-AW1 F-R-AH1 M-AH0 SH-OW1 AY1 D-IH1 D-AH0 K-AH1 P-AH0 L-AH1 V-Y-IH1-R Z-AH0 G-OW1 K-AO1-L D-L-AH1 L-AH0 B-AY2-Z T-UW1 M-EY1 K-Y-AO1-R CH-IH1-L D-R-AH0-N K-R-AY1


and it's peer reviewed by a friend of mine who actually has children. and they said, "mommy-"

AH0-N D-IH1-T-S P-IH1-R R-IY0 V-Y-UW1-D B-AY1 AH0 F-R-EH1-N D-AH1 V-M-AY1-N HH-UW1 AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 HH-AE1-Z CH-IH1-L D-R-AH0 N-AH0-N-D DH-EY1 S-EH1 D-M-AA1 M-IY0


"why does your friend hate us?" which is, to this day, awkward at barbecues. so yeah, sorry teagan.

W-AY1 D-AH1 Z-Y-AO1-R F-R-EH1-N-D HH-EY1 T-AH1 S-W-IH1 CH-IH1-Z T-UW1 DH-IH1-S D-EY1 AA1 K-W-ER0 D-AE1-T B-AA1-R B-IH0 K-Y-UW2-Z S-OW1 Y-AE1 S-AA1 R-IY0 T-IY1 G-AH0-N


anyway, this poem...


...everyone for mel moon!

EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2-N F-AO1-R M-EH1-L M-UW1-N


it will wow god. i tried to make it classy, it's just not for me. okay so you probably look at me now-

IH1 T-W-IH1 L-W-AW1 G-AA1 D-AY1 T-R-AY1-D T-UW1 M-EY1 K-IH1-T K-L-AE1 S-IY0 IH1-T-S JH-AH1-S T-N-AA1-T F-AO1-R M-IY1 OW2 K-EY1 S-OW1 Y-UW1 P-R-AA1 B-AH0 B-L-IY0 L-UH1 K-AE1 T-M-IY1 N-AW1


and yeah, it's really weird to-

AH0-N D-Y-AE1 IH1-T S-R-IH1 L-IY0 W-IH1-R-D T-UW1


what are you going to do about it? argue with me?

W-AH1 T-AA1 R-Y-UW1 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1 T-AA1-R G-Y-UW0 W-IH1 DH-M-IY1


well yeah, i think actually i might actually mel, shit.

W-EH1 L-Y-AE1 AY1 TH-IH1-NG K-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 AY1 M-AY1 T-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 M-EH1-L SH-IH1-T


okay, well then you can tell the kids why you killed their mother. we did find-

OW2 K-EY1 W-EH1-L DH-EH1 N-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N T-EH1-L DH-AH0 K-IH1-D Z-W-AY1 Y-UW1 K-IH1-L-D DH-EH1-R M-AH1 DH-ER0 W-IY1 D-IH1-D F-AY1-N-D