okay, my show is very good because the stage is only this high.

OW2 K-EY1 M-AY1 SH-OW1 IH1-Z V-EH1 R-IY0 G-UH1-D B-IH0 K-AO1-Z DH-AH0-S T-EY1 JH-IH1 Z-OW1 N-L-IY0 DH-IH1-S HH-AY1


and everybody is just falling forwards like that.

AH0-N D-EH1 V-R-IY0 B-AA2 D-IY0 IH1-Z JH-AH1-S-T F-AA1 L-IH0-NG F-AO1 R-W-ER0-D Z-L-AY1-K DH-AE1-T


there's some flyers you can, if you want to roll one up afterwards, we can roach them and i'll meet you in the alleyway.

DH-EH1-R-Z S-AH1-M F-L-AY1 ER0 Z-Y-UW1 K-AE1 N-IH1 F-Y-UW1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 R-OW1 L-W-AH1 N-AH1 P-AE1-F T-ER0 W-ER0-D Z-W-IY1 K-AE1 N-R-OW1-CH DH-EH1 M-AH0-N D-IH1-L M-IY1 T-Y-UW1 IH0-N DH-AH0 AE1 L-IY0 W-EY2


every night at the banshee. live, true storytelling every evening.

EH1 V-ER0 IY0 N-AY1 T-AE1-T DH-AH0 B-AE0-N SH-IY1 L-AY1-V T-R-UW1-S T-AO1 R-IY0 T-EH2 L-IH0 NG-EH1 V-ER0 IY0 IY1 V-N-IH0-NG


where there's a will, there's a dead person.

W-EH1-R DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 W-IH1-L DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 D-EH1-D P-ER1 S-AH0-N


where there's a dead person, there's a bill.

W-EH1-R DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 D-EH1-D P-ER1 S-AH0-N DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 B-IH1-L


i don't think i've read this out before, but i'll read it now. it's called "flower power".

AY1 D-AA1-N-T TH-IH1-NG K-AY1 V-R-EH1-D DH-IH1 S-AW1-T B-IH0 F-AO1-R B-AH1 T-IH1-L R-EH1 D-IH1 T-N-AW1 IH1-T-S K-AO1-L-D F-L-AW1 ER0 P-AW1 ER0


you slid your hand down my throat with remarkable ease.

Y-UW1 S-L-IH1 D-Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D D-AW1-N M-AY1 TH-R-OW1 T-W-IH1 DH-R-IH0 M-AA1-R K-AH0 B-AH0 L-IY1-Z


i could feel you fiddling with my ventricles.

AY1 K-UH1-D F-IY1 L-Y-UW1 F-IH1 D-L-IH0 NG-W-IH1 DH-M-AY1 V-EH1-N T-R-IH0 K-AH0-L-Z


and then with a quick tug, you whipped out my heart.

AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-W-IH1 DH-AH0 K-W-IH1-K T-AH1 G-Y-UW1 W-IH1-P T-AW1 T-M-AY1 HH-AA1-R-T


i remained surprisingly conscious.

AY1 R-IH0 M-EY1-N-D S-ER0 P-R-AY1 Z-IH0 NG-L-IY0 K-AA1-N SH-AH0-S


you dropped it into your food processor -

Y-UW1 D-R-AA1-P T-IH1 T-IH0-N T-UW1 Y-AO1-R F-UW1-D P-R-AA1 S-EH2 S-ER0


with a tablespoon of flour.

W-IH1 DH-AH0 T-EY1 B-AH0-L-S P-UW2 N-AH1-V F-L-AW1 ER0


and blended it. and so you had a pink plasticine-like consistency.

AH0-N-D B-L-EH1-N D-AH0 D-IH1 T-AH0-N-D S-OW1 Y-UW1 HH-AE1 D-AH0 P-IH1-NG-K P-L-AE1-S T-AH0 K-AH0 N-EY2-T-S K-AH0-N S-IH1-S T-AH0-N S-IY0


you then transferred it onto the work surface and molded it into the shape of your new boyfriend.

Y-UW1 DH-EH1-N T-R-AE0-N-S F-ER1 D-IH1 T-AA1-N T-UW0 DH-AH0 W-ER1-K S-ER1 F-AH0 S-AH0-N D-M-OW1-L D-AH0 D-IH1 T-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 SH-EY1 P-AH1 V-Y-AO1-R N-UW1 B-OY1 F-R-EH2-N-D


i wanted to write a poem about my kettle, right?

AY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D T-UW1 R-AY1 T-AH0 P-OW1 AH0 M-AH0 B-AW1 T-M-AY1 K-EH1 T-AH0-L R-AY1-T


so i've got this red kettle, innit. when i first bought it out of blue light that came on when you pressed it down.

S-OW1 AY1-V G-AA1-T DH-IH1 S-R-EH1-D K-EH1 T-AH0 L-IH1 N-IH0 T-W-EH1 N-AY1 F-ER1-S-T B-AA1 T-IH1 T-AW1 T-AH1-V B-L-UW1 L-AY1-T DH-AE1-T K-EY1 M-AA1 N-W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 P-R-EH1-S T-IH1-T D-AW1-N


i wanted to write a poem about my kettle, but i was listening to a lot of leonard cohen at the time.

AY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D T-UW1 R-AY1 T-AH0 P-OW1 AH0 M-AH0 B-AW1 T-M-AY1 K-EH1 T-AH0-L B-AH1 T-AY1 W-AA1 Z-L-IH1 S-AH0 N-IH0-NG T-UW1 AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1 V-L-EH1 N-ER0-D K-OW1 AH0 N-AE1-T DH-AH0 T-AY1-M


and it kind of rubbed off on the piece. right? okay. here we go.

AH0-N D-IH1-T K-AY1-N D-AH1 V-R-AH1-B D-AO1 F-AA1-N DH-AH0 P-IY1 S-R-AY1 T-OW2 K-EY1 HH-IY1 R-W-IY1 G-OW1


it's called "poem about a kettle, written when listening to a lot of leonard cohen."

IH1-T-S K-AO1-L-D P-OW1 AH0 M-AH0 B-AW1 T-AH0 K-EH1 T-AH0-L R-IH1 T-AH0 N-W-EH1 N-L-IH1 S-AH0 N-IH0-NG T-UW1 AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1 V-L-EH1 N-ER0-D K-OW1 AH0-N


kettle with tears. the tears -

K-EH1 T-AH0 L-W-IH1-DH T-EH1-R-Z DH-AH0 T-EH1-R-Z


from your eyes when you weren't looking.

F-R-AH1 M-Y-AO1 R-AY1 Z-W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 W-EH1 R-AH0-N T-L-UH1 K-IH0-NG


clicked it to boil.


came the cries.


before long, the kitchen was full.

B-IH0 F-AO1-R L-AO1-NG DH-AH0 K-IH1 CH-AH0 N-W-AA1-Z F-UH1-L


of bubbling screams.

AH1-V B-AH1 B-AH0 L-IH0-NG-S K-R-IY1-M-Z


the kettle peaked.


extinguishing the little light it had.

IH0-K-S T-IH1-NG G-W-IH0 SH-IH0-NG DH-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L L-AY1 T-IH1-T HH-AE1-D


i poured your sorrow onto the teabag of my life.

AY1 P-AO1-R D-Y-AO1-R S-AA1 R-OW0 AA1-N T-UW0 DH-AH0 T-IY1 B-AE2 G-AH1 V-M-AY1 L-AY1-F


and drank the sadness of your being.

AH0-N-D D-R-AE1-NG-K DH-AH0 S-AE1 D-N-AH0 S-AH1 V-Y-AO1-R B-IY1 IH0-NG


this book's got drawings in it too. people really listened to their pillows.

DH-IH1-S B-UH1-K-S G-AA1-T D-R-AO1 IH0-NG Z-IH0 N-IH1-T T-UW1 P-IY1 P-AH0-L R-IH1 L-IY0 L-IH1 S-AH0-N-D T-UW1 DH-EH1-R P-IH1 L-OW0-Z


fish in the sea. why do you got to be so free?

F-IH1 SH-IH0-N DH-AH0 S-IY1 W-AY1 D-UW1 Y-UW1 G-AA1-T T-UW1 B-IY1 S-OW1 F-R-IY1


fish in the bowl. why do you get to be so gold? fish in the supermarket. why do you get to be so dead?

F-IH1 SH-IH0-N DH-AH0 B-OW1 L-W-AY1 D-UW1 Y-UW1 G-EH1-T T-UW1 B-IY1 S-OW1 G-OW1-L-D F-IH1 SH-IH0-N DH-AH0 S-UW1 P-ER0 M-AA2-R K-IH0 T-W-AY1 D-UW1 Y-UW1 G-EH1-T T-UW1 B-IY1 S-OW1 D-EH1-D


fish in my stomach. why do you get to be so nutritious?

F-IH1 SH-IH0-N M-AY1-S T-AH1 M-AH0 K-W-AY1 D-UW1 Y-UW1 G-EH1-T T-UW1 B-IY1 S-OW1 N-UW0 T-R-IH1 SH-AH0-S


milk. this is cold milk.

M-IH1-L-K DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z K-OW1-L D-M-IH1-L-K


this milk tastes like it's off. but it's on.

DH-IH1 S-M-IH1-L-K T-EY1-S-T S-L-AY1 K-IH1-T S-AO1-F B-AH1 T-IH1-T S-AA1-N


no, but it's called stand-up tragedy, isn't it?

N-OW1 B-AH1 T-IH1-T-S K-AO1-L-D-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 IH1 S-AH0-N T-IH1-T


so i've got to... i can't read out... all my-

S-OW1 AY1-V G-AA1-T T-UW1 AY1 K-AE1-N T-R-EH1 D-AW1 T-AO1-L M-AY1


also, a bit of admin. i'm really sorry. every show-

AO1-L S-OW0 AH0 B-IH1 T-AH1 V-AE1 D-M-IH0 N-IH1 M-R-IH1 L-IY0 S-AA1 R-IY0 EH1 V-ER0 IY0 SH-OW1


his very own snuff film horror show. he showed up back home with six months to go on his third tour in a row.

HH-IH1-Z V-EH1 R-IY0 OW1-N S-N-AH1-F F-IH1-L-M HH-AO1 R-ER0 SH-OW1 HH-IY1 SH-OW1 D-AH1-P B-AE1-K HH-OW1 M-W-IH1-DH S-IH1-K S-M-AH1-N-TH-S T-UW1 G-OW1 AA1-N HH-IH1-Z TH-ER1-D T-UH1 R-IH0 N-AH0 R-OW1


questions like, "so did you shoot anybody?"

K-W-EH1-S CH-AH0-N Z-L-AY1-K S-OW1 D-IH1 D-Y-UW1 SH-UW1 T-EH1 N-IY0 B-AH0 D-IY0


"yo, how many of them hajis did you kill?"

Y-OW1 HH-AW1 M-EH1 N-IY0 AH1-V DH-EH1-M HH-AA1 JH-IH0-S D-IH1 D-Y-UW1 K-IH1-L


i want to show you something.

AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 SH-OW1 Y-UW1 S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG


rising from his seat. jay approached the tv.

R-AY1 Z-IH0-NG F-R-AH1-M HH-IH1-Z S-IY1-T JH-EY1 AH0 P-R-OW1-CH-T DH-AH0 T-IY1 V-IY1


filmed from his perch in the tank's gun turret. the dvd captured the first weeks incursion.

F-IH1-L-M-D F-R-AH1-M HH-IH1-Z P-ER1 CH-IH0-N DH-AH0 T-AE1-NG-K-S G-AH1-N T-ER1 AH0-T DH-AH0 D-IY2 V-IY2 D-IY1 K-AE1-P CH-ER0-D DH-AH0 F-ER1-S T-W-IY1-K S-IH0-N K-ER1 ZH-AH0-N


day one showed homes bombed down like dominoes. cars explode. everything destroyed in the tanks forward roll.

D-EY1 W-AH1-N SH-OW1-D HH-OW1-M-Z B-AA1-M-D D-AW1 N-L-AY1-K D-AA1 M-AH0 N-OW2-Z K-AA1-R Z-IH0-K-S P-L-OW1 D-EH1 V-R-IY0 TH-IH2-NG D-IH0-S T-R-OY1 D-IH0-N DH-AH0 T-AE1-NG-K-S F-AO1 R-W-ER0 D-R-OW1-L


day two showed dismembered torsos.

D-EY1 T-UW1 SH-OW1-D D-IH0 S-M-EH1-M B-ER0-D T-AO1-R S-OW2-Z


pulps of skin and shattered bone.

P-AH1-L-P S-AH1-V-S K-IH1 N-AH0-N-D SH-AE1 T-ER0-D B-OW1-N


by this point, the drinks had been put away.

B-AY1 DH-IH1-S P-OY1-N-T DH-AH0 D-R-IH1-NG-K-S HH-AE1-D B-IH1-N P-UH1 T-AH0 W-EY1


even the backwoods blunts were stomped out.

IY1 V-IH0-N DH-AH0 B-AE1 K-W-UH1-D-Z B-L-AH1-N-T S-W-ER0-S T-AA1-M-P T-AW1-T


the room was totally silent-

DH-AH0 R-UW1 M-W-AA1-Z T-OW1 T-AH0 L-IY0 S-AY1 L-AH0-N-T


save the screams of agony and ammunition. thundering from that audio.

S-EY1-V DH-AH0-S K-R-IY1-M Z-AH1 V-AE1 G-AH0 N-IY0 AH0-N D-AE2 M-Y-AH0 N-IH1 SH-AH0-N TH-AH1-N D-ER0 IH0-NG F-R-AH1-M DH-AE1 T-AA1 D-IY0 OW2


no one asked any more questions.

N-OW1 W-AH1 N-AE1-S-K T-EH1 N-IY0 M-AO1-R K-W-EH1-S CH-AH0-N-Z


somebody switched the film off, but-

S-AH1-M B-AA2 D-IY0 S-W-IH1-CH-T DH-AH0 F-IH1-L M-AO1-F B-AH1-T


it was clear to all of us. jay-

IH1 T-W-AA1-Z K-L-IH1-R T-UW1 AO1 L-AH1 V-AH1-S JH-EY1


um... five. i ended up living in uganda in the north.

AH1-M F-AY1 V-AY1 EH1-N D-AH0 D-AH1 P-L-IH1 V-IH0 NG-IH0 N-Y-UW0 G-AE1-N D-AH0 IH0-N DH-AH0 N-AO1-R-TH


and tribal war and it was the first time i really witnessed-

AH0-N-D T-R-AY1 B-AH0 L-W-AO1 R-AH0-N D-IH1 T-W-AA1-Z DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-AY1 M-AY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 W-IH1 T-N-AH0-S-T


real tragedy with my own eyes.

R-IY1-L T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 W-IH1 DH-M-AY1 OW1 N-AY1-Z


did you know that seeds never die?

D-IH1 D-Y-UW1 N-OW1 DH-AE1-T S-IY1-D Z-N-EH1 V-ER0 D-AY1


even after decades dry, when placed in water they will grow.

IY1 V-IH0 N-AE1-F T-ER0 D-EH0 K-EY1-D-Z D-R-AY1 W-EH1-N P-L-EY1-S T-IH0 N-W-AO1 T-ER0 DH-EY1 W-IH1-L G-R-OW1


in most third world countries, the leading cause of non-war related death-

IH0-N M-OW1-S-T TH-ER1 D-W-ER1-L-D K-AH1-N T-R-IY0-Z DH-AH0 L-IY1 D-IH0-NG K-AA1 Z-AH1 V-N-AA1 N-W-ER0 R-IH0 L-EY1 T-IH0-D D-EH1-TH


even the seeds lose hope.

IY1 V-IH0-N DH-AH0 S-IY1-D Z-L-UW1-Z HH-OW1-P


as typic as the image, gun barrels-

AE1-Z T-IH1 P-IH0 K-AE1-Z DH-AH0 IH1 M-AH0-JH G-AH1-N B-AE1 R-AH0-L-Z


are never cold. the first time i felt a muzzle jammed into my back, all i could think was-

AA1-R N-EH1 V-ER0 K-OW1-L-D DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-AY1 M-AY1 F-EH1-L T-AH0 M-AH1 Z-AH0-L JH-AE1-M D-IH0-N T-UW1 M-AY1 B-AE1 K-AO1 L-AY1 K-UH1-D TH-IH1-NG K-W-AA1-Z


have you ever witnessed a bullet traveling through the body?

HH-AE1 V-Y-UW1 EH1 V-ER0 W-IH1 T-N-AH0-S T-AH0 B-UH1 L-AH0-T T-R-AE1 V-AH0 L-IH0-NG TH-R-UW1 DH-AH0 B-AA1 D-IY0


no, we crumple round the bullet hole. we don't fall.

N-OW1 W-IY1 K-R-AH1-M P-AH0-L R-AW1-N-D DH-AH0 B-UH1 L-AH0-T HH-OW1 L-W-IY1 D-AA1-N-T F-AO1-L


when you see someone's heads cut off.

W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 S-IY1 S-AH1 M-OW2-N-Z HH-EH1-D-Z K-AH1 T-AO1-F


when you see that head hit the ground. it rolls 'til it lands on next stump. and then it stares up.

W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 S-IY1 DH-AE1-T HH-EH1-D HH-IH1-T DH-AH0 G-R-AW1-N D-IH1 T-R-OW1-L-Z T-IH1 L-IH1 T-L-AE1-N-D Z-AA1-N N-EH1-K-S-T-S T-AH1-M P-AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-IH1-T-S T-EH1-R Z-AH1-P


most nights there's always a war i see.

M-OW1-S T-N-AY1-T-S DH-EH1-R Z-AO1 L-W-EY2 Z-AH0 W-AO1 R-AY1 S-IY1


i met three men who earned their living driving continuously round the city, shoveling corpses off the streets.

AY1 M-EH1-T TH-R-IY1 M-EH1-N HH-UW1 ER1-N-D DH-EH1-R L-IH1 V-IH0-NG D-R-AY1 V-IH0-NG K-AH0-N T-IH1 N-Y-UW0 AH0 S-L-IY0 R-AW1-N-D DH-AH0 S-IH1 T-IY0 SH-AH1 V-L-IH0-NG K-AO1-R-P S-AH0 Z-AO1-F DH-AH0-S T-R-IY1-T-S


they'd been doing it so long. they tossed gunshot-battered bodies into back of pickup trucks. like-

TH-IY1-D B-IH1-N D-UW1 IH0 NG-IH1-T S-OW1 L-AO1-NG DH-EY1 T-AO1-S-T G-AH1-N S-AH0-B T-AO2 T-ER0 B-AA1 D-IY0 Z-IH0-N T-UW1 B-AE1 K-AH1-V P-IH1 K-AH2-P T-R-AH1-K S-L-AY1-K


they told me after 26 years of war, bodies-

DH-EY1 T-OW1-L D-M-IY1 AE1-F T-ER0 T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 S-IH1-K S-Y-IH1-R Z-AH1 V-W-AO1-R B-AA1 D-IY0-Z


i asked if they thought post-death our souls left us, they told me souls are the last casualties of war.

AY1 AE1-S-K T-IH1-F DH-EY1 TH-AO1-T P-OW1-S-T D-EH2 TH-AW1 ER0 S-OW1-L Z-L-EH1-F T-AH1-S DH-EY1 T-OW1-L D-M-IY1 S-OW1-L Z-AA1-R DH-AH0 L-AE1-S-T K-AE1 ZH-AH0 W-AH0-L T-IY0 Z-AH1 V-W-AO1-R


the thing you fight hardest for.

DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-Y-UW1 F-AY1-T HH-AA1-R D-AH0-S-T F-AO1-R


lost more quickly in the living.

L-AO1-S T-M-AO1-R K-W-IH1 K-L-IY0 IH0-N DH-AH0 L-IH1 V-IH0-NG


[inaudible 00:05:19] i've picked the topic of witness. i'm fascinated by, you know, the vietnam war.

IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z F-AY1 V-M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N D-N-AY1-N T-IY1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-AY1-V P-IH1-K-T DH-AH0 T-AA1 P-IH0 K-AH1 V-W-IH1 T-N-AH0 S-AY1 AE1-M F-AE1 S-AH0 N-EY2 T-AH0-D B-AY1 Y-UW1 N-OW1 DH-AH0 V-IY0 EH2 T-N-AA1 M-W-AO1-R


we saw photos of war for the first time in a real way. and that horrified us and i'm with iraq.

W-IY1 S-AO1 F-OW1 T-OW2 Z-AH1 V-W-AO1-R F-AO1-R DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-AY1 M-IH0 N-AH0 R-IY1 L-W-EY1 AH0-N-D DH-AE1-T HH-AO1 R-AH0 F-AY2 D-AH1 S-AH0-N D-IH1 M-W-IH1 DH-IH0 R-AA1-K


we started seeing real footage from our mates coming back and with tahrir square,

W-IY1-S T-AA1-R T-AH0-D S-IY1 IH0 NG-R-IY1-L F-UH1 T-IH0-JH F-R-AH1 M-AW1 ER0 M-EY1-T-S K-AH1 M-IH0-NG B-AE1 K-AH0-N D-W-IH1-DH T-AA0 R-EH1-R-S K-W-EH1-R


we were seeing real camera found footage of what actually happened,

W-IY1 W-ER0 S-IY1 IH0 NG-R-IY1-L K-AE1 M-ER0 AH0 F-AW1-N-D F-UH1 T-IH0 JH-AH1 V-W-AH1 T-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 HH-AE1 P-AH0-N-D


as it happened. and the nature of being-

AE1 Z-IH1-T HH-AE1 P-AH0-N D-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 N-EY1 CH-ER0 AH1-V B-IY1 IH0-NG


what it is to be privileged just doing it that. y'know.

W-AH1 T-IH1 T-IH1-Z T-UW1 B-IY1 P-R-IH1 V-L-AH0-JH-D JH-AH1-S-T D-UW1 IH0 NG-IH1-T DH-AE1 T-IH1 K-N-OW0


and the nature of witness is that we are no longer able to do that.

AH0-N-D DH-AH0 N-EY1 CH-ER0 AH1 V-W-IH1 T-N-AH0 S-IH1-Z DH-AE1 T-W-IY1 AA1-R N-OW1 L-AO1-NG G-ER0 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 D-UW1 DH-AE1-T


but the woman in the yellow bikini. and in my hands was a copy of that day's evening standards.

B-AH1-T DH-AH0 W-UH1 M-AH0 N-IH0-N DH-AH0 Y-EH1 L-OW0 B-IH0 K-IY1 N-IY0 AH0-N D-IH0-N M-AY1 HH-AE1-N-D Z-W-AA1 Z-AH0 K-AA1 P-IY0 AH1-V DH-AE1-T D-EY1 Z-IY1 V-N-IH0-NG-S T-AE1-N D-ER0-D-Z


there's a crowd gathered at the waterfront.

DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 K-R-AW1-D G-AE1 DH-ER0 D-AE1-T DH-AH0 W-AO1 T-ER0 F-R-AH2-N-T


there to witness the unveiling of the latest beach body.

DH-EH1-R T-UW1 W-IH1 T-N-AH0-S DH-AH0 AH0-N V-EY1 L-IH0 NG-AH1-V DH-AH0 L-EY1 T-AH0-S-T B-IY1-CH B-AA1 D-IY0


the latest beached body.

DH-AH0 L-EY1 T-AH0-S-T B-IY1-CH-T B-AA1 D-IY0


a mass of people, not large group, but vigil. this beach is-

AH0 M-AE1 S-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0-L N-AA1 T-L-AA1-R-JH G-R-UW1-P B-AH1-T V-IH1 JH-AH0-L DH-IH1-S B-IY1 CH-IH1-Z


lit with flickering candles, not littered with sunblock and sandals.

L-IH1 T-W-IH1-DH F-L-IH1 K-ER0 IH0-NG K-AE1-N D-AH0-L Z-N-AA1 T-L-IH1 T-ER0 D-W-IH1-DH S-AH1-N B-L-AA2 K-AH0-N-D S-AE1-N D-AH0-L-Z


they're are no wet bodies for happy mums to towel off. just body bags for border enforcement agents to zip up.

TH-EH1 R-AA1-R N-OW1 W-EH1-T B-AA1 D-IY0-Z F-AO1-R HH-AE1 P-IY0 M-AH1-M-Z T-UW1 T-AW1 AH0 L-AO1-F JH-AH1-S-T B-AA1 D-IY0 B-AE1-G-Z F-AO1-R B-AO1-R D-ER0 EH0-N F-AO1-R S-M-AH0-N T-EY1 JH-AH0-N-T-S T-UW1 Z-IH1 P-AH1-P


beach bodies is a town... is a term now more frequently referring to funerals,

B-IY1-CH B-AA1 D-IY0 Z-IH1 Z-AH0 T-AW1 N-IH1 Z-AH0 T-ER1-M N-AW1 M-AO1-R F-R-IY1 K-W-AH0-N T-L-IY0 R-IH0 F-ER1 IH0-NG T-UW1 F-Y-UW1 N-ER0 AH0-L-Z


but the lives lost are still reduced to numerals, to statistics, to election tactics, and cost benefit analysis.

B-AH1-T DH-AH0 L-IH1-V Z-L-AO1-S T-AA1-R-S T-IH1-L R-AH0 D-UW1-S-T T-UW1 N-UW1 M-ER0 AH0-L-Z T-UW1-S T-AH0 T-IH1-S T-IH0-K-S T-UW1 IH0 L-EH1-K SH-AH0-N T-AE1-K T-IH0-K S-AH0-N-D K-AA1-S-T B-EH1 N-AH0 F-IH0 T-AH0 N-AE1 L-AH0 S-AH0-S


they don't have to contend with the visual impact a beach body has.

DH-EY1 D-AA1-N-T HH-AE1-V T-UW1 K-AH0-N T-EH1-N D-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 V-IH1 ZH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IH1-M P-AE0-K T-AH0 B-IY1-CH B-AA1 D-IY0 HH-AE1-Z


'cause you can't draw chalk outlines on sand.

K-AA1 Z-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N-T D-R-AO1 CH-AA1 K-AW1 T-L-AY2-N Z-AA1-N S-AE1-N-D


i really mean that, i think trust is really important.

AY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 M-IY1-N DH-AE1 T-AY1 TH-IH1-NG-K T-R-AH1-S T-IH1 Z-R-IH1 L-IY0 IH0-M P-AO1-R T-AH0-N-T


i don't think we have the trust that maybe we used to have in society.

AY1 D-AA1-N-T TH-IH1-NG K-W-IY1 HH-AE1-V DH-AH0 T-R-AH1-S-T DH-AE1 T-M-EY1 B-IY0 W-IY1 Y-UW1-S-T T-UW1 HH-AE1 V-IH0-N S-AH0 S-AY1 AH0 T-IY0


maybe we're naive. we were naive or-

M-EY1 B-IY0 W-ER0 N-AY2 IY1 V-W-IY1 W-ER0 N-AY2 IY1 V-AO1-R


you know, that's not what this-

Y-UW1 N-OW1 TH-AE1-T S-N-AA1 T-W-AH1-T DH-IH1-S


they were my audience in the last show. so i'm going to... that's okay.

DH-EY1 W-ER0 M-AY1 AA1 D-IY0 AH0-N S-IH0-N DH-AH0 L-AE1-S-T SH-OW1 S-OW1 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 TH-AE1-T S-OW2 K-EY1


go to the paid show. it's going to be about my nan dying of cancer.

G-OW1 T-UW1 DH-AH0 P-EY1-D SH-OW1 IH1-T-S G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0 B-AW1 T-M-AY1 N-AE1-N D-AY1 IH0 NG-AH1-V K-AE1-N S-ER0


when i, when i visited my nan-

W-EH1 N-AY1 W-EH1 N-AY1 V-IH1 Z-AH0 T-AH0 D-M-AY1 N-AE1-N


in hospital, when she was dying of cancer.

IH0-N HH-AA1-S P-IH2 T-AH0 L-W-EH1-N SH-IY1 W-AA1-Z D-AY1 IH0 NG-AH1-V K-AE1-N S-ER0


why i do things. what i do.

W-AY1 AY1 D-UW1 TH-IH1-NG Z-W-AH1 T-AY1 D-UW1


trust is a big factor in that, if i trust someone i'm prepared to do a lot of things.

T-R-AH1-S T-IH1 Z-AH0 B-IH1-G F-AE1-K T-ER0 IH0-N DH-AE1 T-IH1 F-AY1 T-R-AH1-S-T S-AH1 M-W-AH2 N-IH1-M P-R-IY0 P-EH1-R-D T-UW1 D-UW1 AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V TH-IH1-NG-Z


and that was when i realized that-

AH0-N-D DH-AE1 T-W-AA1 Z-W-EH1 N-AY1 R-IY1 L-AY2-Z-D DH-AE1-T


my nan was one of the only people i'd ever broken the trust of.

M-AY1 N-AE1 N-W-AA1 Z-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 OW1 N-L-IY0 P-IY1 P-AH0 L-IH1 D-EH1 V-ER0 B-R-OW1 K-AH0-N DH-AH0 T-R-AH1-S T-AH1-V


i organized a party when-

AY1 AO1-R G-AH0 N-AY2-Z D-AH0 P-AA1-R T-IY0 W-EH1-N


she was supposed to be looking after me and i told her i was going out and i had a party around my parent's house.

SH-IY1 W-AA1-Z S-AH0 P-OW1-Z-D T-UW1 B-IY1 L-UH1 K-IH0 NG-AE1-F T-ER0 M-IY1 AH0-N D-AY1 T-OW1-L-D HH-ER0 AY1 W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0 NG-AW1 T-AH0-N D-AY1 HH-AE1 D-AH0 P-AA1-R T-IY0 ER0 AW1-N D-M-AY1 P-EH1 R-AH0-N-T-S HH-AW1-S


the next day, she came back and she didn't even know the police had been there or someone had tried to set fire to the loft.

DH-AH0 N-EH1-K-S-T D-EY1 SH-IY1 K-EY1-M B-AE1 K-AH0-N-D SH-IY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N T-IY1 V-IH0-N N-OW1 DH-AH0 P-AH0 L-IY1-S HH-AE1-D B-IH1-N DH-EH1 R-AO1-R S-AH1 M-W-AH2-N HH-AE1-D T-R-AY1-D T-UW1 S-EH1-T F-AY1 ER0 T-UW1 DH-AH0 L-AO1-F-T


or that a really popular vase of my mum's had been broken.

AO1-R DH-AE1 T-AH0 R-IH1 L-IY0 P-AA1 P-Y-AH0 L-ER0 V-EY1 S-AH1 V-M-AY1 M-AH1-M-Z HH-AE1-D B-IH1-N B-R-OW1 K-AH0-N


or that anarchy had been written on all of my mom's bottles of red wine.

AO1-R DH-AE1 T-AE1 N-ER0 K-IY0 HH-AE1-D B-IH1 N-R-IH1 T-AH0 N-AA1 N-AO1 L-AH1 V-M-AY1 M-AA1-M-Z B-AA1 T-AH0-L Z-AH1 V-R-EH1 D-W-AY1-N


when you're talking to your nan in hospital.

W-EH1 N-Y-UH1-R T-AO1 K-IH0-NG T-UW1 Y-AO1-R N-AE1 N-IH0-N HH-AA1-S P-IH2 T-AH0-L


and my nan knew she was dying

AH0-N D-M-AY1 N-AE1-N N-UW1 SH-IY1 W-AA1-Z D-AY1 IH0-NG


and she decided she was going to make it to christmas.

AH0-N-D SH-IY1 D-IH0 S-AY1 D-IH0-D SH-IY1 W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 M-EY1 K-IH1-T T-UW1 K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S


she was going to make it to christmas no matter what, she was really ill and she was going to make it to christmas.

SH-IY1 W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 M-EY1 K-IH1-T T-UW1 K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0 S-N-OW1 M-AE1 T-ER0 W-AH1-T SH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-R-IH1 L-IY0 IH1 L-AH0-N-D SH-IY1 W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 M-EY1 K-IH1-T T-UW1 K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0-S


she asked everyone what they wanted for christmas and she spent all her money making sure they got those things. and i asked for a glass shop chess set.

SH-IY1 AE1-S-K T-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2 N-W-AH1-T DH-EY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D F-AO1-R K-R-IH1 S-M-AH0 S-AH0-N-D SH-IY1-S P-EH1-N T-AO1-L HH-ER0 M-AH1 N-IY0 M-EY1 K-IH0-NG SH-UH1-R DH-EY1 G-AA1-T DH-OW1-Z TH-IH1-NG Z-AH0-N D-AY1 AE1-S-K-T F-AO1 R-AH0 G-L-AE1-S SH-AA1-P CH-EH1-S S-EH1-T


not knowing that it'd be the final gift from my nan.

N-AA1 T-N-OW1 IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-AY1 T-AH0-D B-IY1 DH-AH0 F-AY1 N-AH0-L G-IH1-F-T F-R-AH1-M M-AY1 N-AE1-N


and it's fucking awful.

AH0-N D-IH1-T-S F-AH1 K-IH0 NG-AA1 F-AH0-L


it's not wear and tear.


no, i absolutely fucking love it. and it's shit.

N-OW1 AY1 AE2-B S-AH0 L-UW1 T-L-IY0 F-AH1 K-IH0 NG-L-AH1 V-IH1 T-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S SH-IH1-T


and you can't get drunk playing the game.

AH0-N D-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N-T G-EH1-T D-R-AH1-NG-K P-L-EY1 IH0-NG DH-AH0 G-EY1-M


because if you've played shot glass chess, you know you only start when you're already drunk.

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1 F-Y-UW1-V P-L-EY1-D SH-AA1-T G-L-AE1-S CH-EH1 S-Y-UW1 N-OW1 Y-UW1 OW1 N-L-IY0-S T-AA1-R T-W-EH1 N-Y-UH1 R-AO0-L R-EH1 D-IY0 D-R-AH1-NG-K


these aren't big enough to sustain the alcoholic foam.

DH-IY1 Z-AA1 R-AH0-N-T B-IH1 G-IH0 N-AH1-F T-UW1 S-AH0-S T-EY1-N DH-AH0 AE2-L K-AH0 HH-AA1 L-IH0-K F-OW1-M


so you end up drinking a game of shot chess and ending up sober.

S-OW1 Y-UW1 EH1-N D-AH1-P D-R-IH1-NG K-IH0 NG-AH0 G-EY1 M-AH1-V SH-AA1-T CH-EH1 S-AH0-N D-EH1-N D-IH0 NG-AH1-P S-OW1 B-ER0


that is a tragedy.


now my nan, never used to say-

N-AW1 M-AY1 N-AE1-N N-EH1 V-ER0 Y-UW1-Z-D T-UW1 S-EY1


i love you. that was not her thing. she never said.

AY1 L-AH1 V-Y-UW1 DH-AE1 T-W-AA1 Z-N-AA1-T HH-ER0 TH-IH1-NG SH-IY1 N-EH1 V-ER0 S-EH1-D


god, i love you. what she used to do is give you sweets. you go around-

G-AA1 D-AY1 L-AH1 V-Y-UW1 W-AH1-T SH-IY1 Y-UW1-S-T T-UW1 D-UW1 IH1-Z G-IH1 V-Y-UW1 S-W-IY1-T S-Y-UW1 G-OW1 ER0 AW1-N-D


the house, oh have some sweets. i don't want any sweets. it's love eat it.

DH-AH0 HH-AW1 S-OW1 HH-AE1-V S-AH1-M S-W-IY1-T S-AY1 D-AA1-N T-W-AA1-N T-EH1 N-IY0 S-W-IY1-T S-IH1-T S-L-AH1 V-IY1 T-IH1-T


thanks nan. i don't like those sweets. you will.

TH-AE1-NG-K S-N-AE1 N-AY1 D-AA1-N T-L-AY1-K DH-OW1-Z S-W-IY1-T S-Y-UW1 W-IH1-L


thanks for the love, nan.

TH-AE1-NG-K-S F-AO1-R DH-AH0 L-AH1 V-N-AE1-N


and so that's what i'd like to do today. i'd like to give you all sweets.

AH0-N-D S-OW1 TH-AE1-T S-W-AH1 T-IH1 D-L-AY1-K T-UW1 D-UW1 T-AH0 D-EY1 IH1 D-L-AY1-K T-UW1 G-IH1 V-Y-UW1 AO1-L S-W-IY1-T-S


now i wish-


i wish that i'd had one more day with my nan, i wish i'd had that opportunity-

AY1 W-IH1-SH DH-AE1 T-IH1-D HH-AE1 D-W-AH1-N M-AO1-R D-EY1 W-IH1 DH-M-AY1 N-AE1 N-AY1 W-IH1 SH-IH1-D HH-AE1-D DH-AE1 T-AA2 P-ER0 T-UW1 N-AH0 T-IY0


but i didn't. so can i have someone up on stage.

B-AH1 T-AY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N-T S-OW1 K-AE1 N-AY1 HH-AE1-V S-AH1 M-W-AH2 N-AH1 P-AA1-N-S T-EY1-JH


so i can have that one last morning. that one last sunrise.

S-OW1 AY1 K-AE1-N HH-AE1-V DH-AE1 T-W-AH1 N-L-AE1-S T-M-AO1-R N-IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-W-AH1 N-L-AE1-S-T S-AH1 N-R-AY2-Z


even when he got an orange poncho.

IY1 V-IH0 N-W-EH1-N HH-IY1 G-AA1 T-AE1 N-AO1 R-AH0-N-JH P-AA1-N CH-OW0


that will save time.


some please, that's in the audience.

S-AH1-M P-L-IY1-Z TH-AE1-T S-IH0-N DH-AH0 AA1 D-IY0 AH0-N-S


that's not in the show.


if you could all imagine very emotional music.

IH1 F-Y-UW1 K-UH1 D-AO1 L-IH0 M-AE1 JH-AH0-N V-EH1 R-IY0 IH0 M-OW1 SH-AH0 N-AH0-L M-Y-UW1 Z-IH0-K


this is going to be great on the podcast.

DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 B-IY1 G-R-EY1 T-AA1-N DH-AH0 P-OW1-D K-AE2-S-T


thanks a lot [inaudible 00:02:15].

TH-AE1-NG-K S-AH0 L-AA1 T-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z T-UW1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D F-IH0-F T-IY1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z


and so we deserve, as i'm sure you regular listeners will agree.

AH0-N-D S-OW1 W-IY1 D-IH0 Z-ER1 V-AE1 Z-IH1-M SH-UH1 R-Y-UW1 R-EH1 G-Y-AH0 L-ER0 L-IH1 S-AH0 N-ER0 Z-W-IH1 L-AH0 G-R-IY1


put your hands together for brydie lee-kennedy.

P-UH1 T-Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D-Z T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 F-AO1-R B-R-IH1 D-IY0 L-EH2 K-AH0 N-EH1 D-IY0


and i felt... so i knew that he was going to-

AH0-N D-AY1 F-EH1-L-T S-OW1 AY1 N-UW1 DH-AE1-T HH-IY1 W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1


response at all. i do think that it's-

R-IH0-S P-AA1-N S-AE1 T-AO1 L-AY1 D-UW1 TH-IH1-NG-K DH-AE1 T-IH1-T-S


partly because a lot of people don't think that butterfly is a real stroke, which is fair.

P-AA1-R T-L-IY0 B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0-L D-AA1-N-T TH-IH1-NG-K DH-AE1-T B-AH1 T-ER0 F-L-AY2 IH1 Z-AH0 R-IY1-L-S T-R-OW1 K-W-IH1 CH-IH1-Z F-EH1-R


it is probably the least efficient way of moving through water, short of actually drowning, but they do give you medals for it.

IH1 T-IH1-Z P-R-AA1 B-AH0 B-L-IY0 DH-AH0 L-IY1-S T-IH0 F-IH1 SH-AH0-N T-W-EY1 AH1 V-M-UW1 V-IH0-NG TH-R-UW1 W-AO1 T-ER0 SH-AO1-R T-AH1 V-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 D-R-AW1 N-IH0-NG B-AH1-T DH-EY1 D-UW1 G-IH1 V-Y-UW1 M-EH1 D-AH0-L-Z F-AO1 R-IH1-T


but basically what i'm saying is i felt pretty confident about swimming in a calm, shallow lake in the middle of the french countryside.

B-AH1-T B-EY1 S-IH0 K-L-IY0 W-AH1 T-IH1-M S-EY1 IH0 NG-IH1 Z-AY1 F-EH1-L-T P-R-IH1 T-IY0 K-AA1-N F-AH0 D-AH0-N T-AH0 B-AW1-T S-W-IH1 M-IH0 NG-IH0 N-AH0 K-AA1-M SH-AE1 L-OW0 L-EY1 K-IH0-N DH-AH0 M-IH1 D-AH0 L-AH1-V DH-AH0 F-R-EH1-N-CH K-AH1-N T-R-IY0 S-AY2-D


so after a couple of days of going down and just sort paddling, i decided to go for a real, proper swim.

S-OW1 AE1-F T-ER0 AH0 K-AH1 P-AH0 L-AH1-V D-EY1 Z-AH1-V G-OW1 IH0-NG D-AW1 N-AH0-N-D JH-AH1-S-T S-AO1-R-T P-AE1 D-AH0 L-IH0 NG-AY1 D-IH0 S-AY1 D-IH0-D T-UW1 G-OW1 F-AO1 R-AH0 R-IY1-L P-R-AA1 P-ER0 S-W-IH1-M


so i ducked under the barrier that kept the kids' area in, in the shallow part of the lake. and i took off and i swam through the murky water and all of the muscles that i hadn't used the whole time i'd lived in london-

S-OW1 AY1 D-AH1-K T-AH1-N D-ER0 DH-AH0 B-AE1 R-IY0 ER0 DH-AE1-T K-EH1-P-T DH-AH0 K-IH1-D Z-EH1 R-IY0 AH0 IH0 N-IH0-N DH-AH0 SH-AE1 L-OW0 P-AA1-R T-AH1-V DH-AH0 L-EY1 K-AH0-N D-AY1 T-UH1 K-AO1 F-AH0-N D-AY1 S-W-AE1-M TH-R-UW1 DH-AH0 M-ER1 K-IY0 W-AO1 T-ER0 AH0-N D-AO1 L-AH1-V DH-AH0 M-AH1 S-AH0-L-Z DH-AE1 T-AY1 HH-AE1 D-AH0-N T-Y-UW1-Z-D DH-AH0 HH-OW1-L T-AY1 M-IH1 D-L-AY1-V D-IH0 N-L-AH1-N D-AH0-N


an alarm went off.


and the alarm sounded like this.

AH0-N-D DH-AH0 AH0 L-AA1-R-M S-AW1-N D-AH0 D-L-AY1-K DH-IH1-S


it means one thing. shark, everyone out of the water.

IH1 T-M-IY1-N Z-W-AH1-N TH-IH1-NG SH-AA1-R K-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2 N-AW1 T-AH1-V DH-AH0 W-AO1 T-ER0


it was the result of gross human error at best, and at worst-

IH1 T-W-AA1-Z DH-AH0 R-IH0 Z-AH1-L T-AH1-V G-R-OW1-S HH-Y-UW1 M-AH0 N-EH1 R-ER0 AE1-T B-EH1-S T-AH0-N D-AE1 T-W-ER1-S-T


attempted murder by the council. so i looked around to see what else could be causing the commotion.

AH0 T-EH1-M-P T-AH0 D-M-ER1 D-ER0 B-AY1 DH-AH0 K-AW1-N S-AH0-L S-OW1 AY1 L-UH1-K T-ER0 AW1-N-D T-UW1 S-IY1 W-AH1 T-EH1-L-S K-UH1-D B-IY1 K-AA1 Z-IH0-NG DH-AH0 K-AH0 M-OW1 SH-AH0-N


there was nothing going on in the kids' area, and there was no one behind me.

DH-EH1 R-W-AA1 Z-N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG G-OW1 IH0 NG-AA1 N-IH0-N DH-AH0 K-IH1-D Z-EH1 R-IY0 AH0 AH0-N-D DH-EH1 R-W-AA1 Z-N-OW1 W-AH1-N B-IH0 HH-AY1-N D-M-IY1


and i could see the lifeguard onshore, down from his tower of apathy, just like gesturing like this.

AH0-N D-AY1 K-UH1-D S-IY1 DH-AH0 L-AY1-F G-AA2-R D-AA1-N SH-AO2-R D-AW1-N F-R-AH1-M HH-IH1-Z T-AW1 ER0 AH1 V-AE1 P-AH0 TH-IY0 JH-AH1-S T-L-AY1-K JH-EH1-S CH-ER0 IH0 NG-L-AY1-K DH-IH1-S


and that's what i realized-

AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T S-W-AH1 T-AY1 R-IY1 L-AY2-Z-D


i was why he'd set off the alarm.

AY1 W-AA1 Z-W-AY1 HH-EH1-D S-EH1 T-AO1-F DH-AH0 AH0 L-AA1-R-M


because actually that roped off bit wasn't just for kids.

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 DH-AE1 T-R-OW1-P T-AO1-F B-IH1 T-W-AO1-S-T JH-AH1-S-T F-AO1-R K-IH1-D-Z


it was the only part of the lake that anyone was supposed to swim in. presumably because the lifeguard could not be bothered monitoring the rest of the lake.

IH1 T-W-AA1-Z DH-AH0 OW1 N-L-IY0 P-AA1-R T-AH1-V DH-AH0 L-EY1-K DH-AE1 T-EH1 N-IY0 W-AH2 N-W-AA1-Z S-AH0 P-OW1-Z-D T-UW1 S-W-IH1 M-IH0-N P-R-AH0 Z-UW1 M-AH0 B-L-IY0 B-IH0 K-AO1-Z DH-AH0 L-AY1-F G-AA2-R-D K-UH1 D-N-AA1-T B-IY1 B-AA1 DH-ER0 D-M-AA1 N-AH0 T-ER0 IH0-NG DH-AH0 R-EH1-S T-AH1-V DH-AH0 L-EY1-K


he was certainly not making any attempts to come in and rescue me from my mortal peril.

HH-IY1 W-AA1-Z S-ER1 T-AH0 N-L-IY0 N-AA1 T-M-EY1 K-IH0 NG-EH1 N-IY0 AH0 T-EH1-M-P-T-S T-UW1 K-AH1 M-IH0 N-AH0-N D-R-EH1-S K-Y-UW0 M-IY1 F-R-AH1-M M-AY1 M-AO1-R T-AH0-L P-EH1 R-AH0-L


just humiliated and even more embarrassed when i realized that all the locals were yelling and i thought, god.

JH-AH1-S-T HH-Y-UW0 M-IH1 L-IY0 EY2 T-IH0 D-AH0-N D-IY1 V-IH0-N M-AO1 R-IH0-M B-EH1 R-AH0-S T-W-EH1 N-AY1 R-IY1 L-AY2-Z-D DH-AE1 T-AO1-L DH-AH0 L-OW1 K-AH0-L Z-W-ER0 Y-EH1 L-IH0 NG-AH0-N D-AY1 TH-AO1-T G-AA1-D


totally got the revolution thing. because it does sound cooler in french. so i headed back to my towel, dried off, took out my phone to write a triumphant facebook status-

T-OW1 T-AH0 L-IY0 G-AA1-T DH-AH0 R-EH2 V-AH0 L-UW1 SH-AH0-N TH-IH1-NG B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1-T D-AH1-Z S-AW1-N-D K-UW1 L-ER0 IH0-N F-R-EH1-N-CH S-OW1 AY1 HH-EH1 D-AH0-D B-AE1-K T-UW1 M-AY1 T-AW1 AH0-L D-R-AY1 D-AO1-F T-UH1 K-AW1 T-M-AY1 F-OW1-N T-UW1 R-AY1 T-AH0 T-R-AY0 AH1-M F-AH0-N-T F-EY1-S B-UH2-K-S T-AE1 T-AH0-S


because why else do we do anything? and when i opened the app-

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-W-AY1 EH1-L-S D-UW1 W-IY1 D-UW1 EH1 N-IY0 TH-IH2 NG-AH0-N D-W-EH1 N-AY1 OW1 P-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 AE1-P


a photo of my ex fiance and his new girlfriend.

AH0 F-OW1 T-OW2 AH1 V-M-AY1 EH1-K-S F-IY0 AA1-N S-EY2 AH0-N-D HH-IH1 Z-N-UW1 G-ER1-L F-R-EH2-N-D


and they was standing in front of a sold sign on a terraced house in sydney.

AH0-N-D DH-EY1 W-AA1-Z-S T-AE1-N D-IH0 NG-IH0-N F-R-AH1-N T-AH1 V-AH0 S-OW1-L-D S-AY1 N-AA1 N-AH0 T-EH1 R-AH0-S-T HH-AW1 S-IH0-N S-IH1 D-N-IY0


in my favorite part of sydney, the part where he and i had lived together.

IH0-N M-AY1 F-EY1 V-ER0 IH0-T P-AA1-R T-AH1-V S-IH1 D-N-IY0 DH-AH0 P-AA1-R T-W-EH1-R HH-IY1 AH0-N D-AY1 HH-AE1 D-L-AY1-V-D T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0


so i already knew they owned property.

S-OW1 AY1 AO0-L R-EH1 D-IY0 N-UW1 DH-EY1 OW1-N-D P-R-AA1 P-ER0 T-IY0


and actually he and i weren't even facebook friends by this point. but 64 of our mutual friends had liked it.

AH0-N D-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 HH-IY1 AH0-N D-AY1 W-EH1 R-AH0-N T-IY1 V-IH0-N F-EY1-S B-UH2-K F-R-EH1-N-D-Z B-AY1 DH-IH1-S P-OY1-N-T B-AH1-T S-IH1-K-S T-IY0 F-AO1 R-AH1 V-AW1 ER0 M-Y-UW1 CH-AH0 W-AH0-L F-R-EH1-N-D-Z HH-AE1 D-L-AY1-K T-IH1-T


previous, i was in the middle of four months of solo travel around the world.

P-R-IY1 V-IY0 AH0 S-AY1 W-AA1 Z-IH0-N DH-AH0 M-IH1 D-AH0 L-AH1-V F-AO1-R M-AH1-N-TH S-AH1-V S-OW1 L-OW2 T-R-AE1 V-AH0 L-ER0 AW1-N-D DH-AH0 W-ER1-L-D


i've never read eat, pray, love, but i'm told that it was nothing like that.

AY1 V-N-EH1 V-ER0 R-EH1 D-IY1-T P-R-EY1 L-AH1-V B-AH1 T-IH1-M T-OW1-L-D DH-AE1 T-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-N-AH1 TH-IH0 NG-L-AY1-K DH-AE1-T


all i wanted to do is have a shower, just sort of wash it all off. and i headed into the shower room.

AO1 L-AY1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D T-UW1 D-UW1 IH1-Z HH-AE1 V-AH0 SH-AW1 ER0 JH-AH1-S-T S-AO1-R T-AH1 V-W-AA1 SH-IH1 T-AO1 L-AO1 F-AH0-N D-AY1 HH-EH1 D-AH0 D-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 SH-AW1 ER0 R-UW1-M


now as i said, i'd been in iceland for a few days. so i was aware of the fact that a lot of showers in iceland-

N-AW1 AE1 Z-AY1 S-EH1 D-IH1-D B-IH1 N-IH0 N-AY1 S-L-AH0-N-D F-AO1 R-AH0 F-Y-UW1 D-EY1-Z S-OW1 AY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0 W-EH1 R-AH1-V DH-AH0 F-AE1-K-T DH-AE1 T-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V SH-AW1 ER0 Z-IH0 N-AY1 S-L-AH0-N-D


are communal. there's just a room and there's a few different heads around you-

AA1-R K-AH0 M-Y-UW1 N-AH0-L DH-EH1-R-Z JH-AH1-S T-AH0 R-UW1 M-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 F-Y-UW1 D-IH1 F-ER0 AH0-N-T HH-EH1-D Z-ER0 AW1-N D-Y-UW1


and as i was showering, four tall, seemingly identical swedish men entered cheerily said "hello"-

AH0-N D-AE1 Z-AY1 W-AA1-Z SH-AW1 ER0 IH0-NG F-AO1-R T-AO1-L S-IY1 M-IH0 NG-L-IY0 AY0 D-EH1-N T-IH0 K-AH0-L S-W-IY1 D-IH0 SH-M-EH1 N-EH1-N T-ER0-D CH-IH1 R-AH0 L-IY0 S-EH1-D HH-AH0 L-OW1


and they continued to chat to each other in swedish, pausing only when one of them asked to borrow my shampoo.

AH0-N-D DH-EY1 K-AH0-N T-IH1 N-Y-UW0-D T-UW1 CH-AE1-T T-UW1 IY1 CH-AH1 DH-ER0 IH0-N S-W-IY1 D-IH0-SH P-AO1 Z-IH0 NG-OW1 N-L-IY0 W-EH1 N-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-EH1 M-AE1-S-K-T T-UW1 B-AA1 R-OW2 M-AY1 SH-AE0-M P-UW1


so i handed it to him. wordlessly wondering if i had in fact fallen off the horse and died over the course of the afternoon.

S-OW1 AY1 HH-AE1-N D-AH0 D-IH1-T T-UW1 HH-IH1 M-W-ER1 D-L-AH0 S-L-IY0 W-AH1-N D-ER0 IH0 NG-IH1 F-AY1 HH-AE1 D-IH0-N F-AE1-K-T F-AA1 L-AH0 N-AO1-F DH-AH0 HH-AO1-R S-AH0-N-D D-AY1 D-OW1 V-ER0 DH-AH0 K-AO1-R S-AH1-V DH-AH0 AE2-F T-ER0 N-UW1-N


and if this was my reward in heaven. after they left.

AH0-N D-IH1-F DH-IH1 S-W-AA1 Z-M-AY1 R-IH0 W-AO1-R D-IH0-N HH-EH1 V-AH0 N-AE1-F T-ER0 DH-EY1 L-EH1-F-T


when i opened my laptop, getting ready to send christopher an email, to tell him that i had just lived out-

W-EH1 N-AY1 OW1 P-AH0-N D-M-AY1 L-AE1-P T-AA2-P G-EH1 T-IH0 NG-R-EH1 D-IY0 T-UW1 S-EH1-N-D K-R-IH1-S T-AH0 F-ER0 AE1 N-IY0 M-EY1-L T-UW1 T-EH1-L HH-IH1-M DH-AE1 T-AY1 HH-AE1-D JH-AH1-S T-L-AY1-V D-AW1-T


and i saw an email from dave.

AH0-N D-AY1 S-AO1 AE1 N-IY0 M-EY1-L F-R-AH1-M D-EY1-V


and it had clearly been sent after a lot of beer had been consumed because it was riddled with typos.

AH0-N D-IH1-T HH-AE1-D K-L-IH1-R L-IY0 B-IH1-N S-EH1-N T-AE1-F T-ER0 AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V B-IH1-R HH-AE1-D B-IH1-N K-AH0-N S-UW1-M-D B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-R-IH1 D-AH0-L D-W-IH1-DH T-AY1 P-OW0-S


and it said "b, i was forced to dine with adam's new thing tonight. still love you best though."

AH0-N D-IH1-T S-EH1-D B-IY1 AY1 W-AA1-Z F-AO1-R-S-T T-UW1 D-AY1 N-W-IH1 DH-AE1 D-AH0-M Z-N-UW1 TH-IH1-NG T-AH0 N-AY1-T-S T-IH1-L L-AH1 V-Y-UW1 B-EH1-S-T DH-OW1


because i begged, i said "but you know i want to marry you."

B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 B-EH1-G D-AY1 S-EH1-D B-AH1 T-Y-UW1 N-OW1 AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 M-EH1 R-IY0 Y-UW1


and he looked at me then.

AH0-N-D HH-IY1 L-UH1-K T-AE1 T-M-IY1 DH-EH1-N


everybody for [inaudible 00:07:09].

EH1 V-R-IY0 B-AA2 D-IY0 F-AO1 R-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z S-EH1 V-AH0-N M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N D-N-AY1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z


our next performer, we normally keep him in a kind of box at the back of the stage, but tonight.

AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 W-IY1 N-AO1-R M-AH0 L-IY0 K-IY1-P HH-IH1 M-IH0 N-AH0 K-AY1-N D-AH1-V B-AA1-K S-AE1-T DH-AH0 B-AE1 K-AH1-V DH-AH0-S T-EY1-JH B-AH1-T T-AH0 N-AY1-T


he's coming forward to the front of the stage for the first time in a while. we always let you out in edinburgh, really don't we. we end up letting you out in edinburgh. so put your hands-

HH-IY1-Z K-AH1 M-IH0-NG F-AO1 R-W-ER0-D T-UW1 DH-AH0 F-R-AH1-N T-AH1-V DH-AH0-S T-EY1-JH F-AO1-R DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-AY1 M-IH0 N-AH0 W-AY1 L-W-IY1 AO1 L-W-EY2 Z-L-EH1 T-Y-UW1 AW1 T-IH0 N-EH1 D-AH0-N B-ER0 OW0 R-IH1 L-IY0 D-AA1-N T-W-IY1 W-IY1 EH1-N D-AH1 P-L-EH1 T-IH0 NG-Y-UW1 AW1 T-IH0 N-EH1 D-AH0-N B-ER0 OW0 S-OW1 P-UH1 T-Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D-Z


kind of play and sing a couple of songs. first one's about-

K-AY1-N D-AH1-V P-L-EY1 AH0-N-D S-IH1 NG-AH0 K-AH1 P-AH0 L-AH1-V S-AO1-NG-Z F-ER1-S T-W-AH1-N Z-AH0 B-AW1-T


sort of falling into old habits.

S-AO1-R T-AH1-V F-AA1 L-IH0 NG-IH0-N T-UW1 OW1-L-D HH-AE1 B-AH0-T-S


and kind of waking up six months later, realizing that you've quit your job and taken out load of payday loans.

AH0-N-D K-AY1-N D-AH1 V-W-EY1 K-IH0 NG-AH1-P S-IH1-K S-M-AH1-N-TH S-L-EY1 T-ER0 R-IY1 L-AY2 Z-IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1-V K-W-IH1 T-Y-AO1-R JH-AA1 B-AH0-N-D T-EY1 K-AH0 N-AW1 T-L-OW1 D-AH1-V P-EY1 D-EY2 L-OW1-N-Z


he also does the sound for the entire free pbh free fringe festival. so he is like an amazing person for that.

HH-IY1 AO1-L S-OW0 D-AH1-Z DH-AH0 S-AW1-N-D F-AO1-R DH-AH0 IH0-N T-AY1 ER0 F-R-IY1 EH1 N-AY1 F-R-IY1 F-R-IH1-N-JH F-EH1-S T-AH0 V-AH0-L S-OW1 HH-IY1 IH1 Z-L-AY1 K-AE1 N-AH0 M-EY1 Z-IH0-NG P-ER1 S-AH0-N F-AO1-R DH-AE1-T


that's a herculean task. people don't realize how much goes into this sort of stuff. and he does a lot of that stuff. so, another round of applause, i think for harv-

TH-AE1-T S-AH0 HH-ER0 K-Y-UW1 L-IY0 AH0-N T-AE1-S-K P-IY1 P-AH0-L D-AA1-N T-R-IY1 L-AY2-Z HH-AW1 M-AH1-CH G-OW1 Z-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-IH1-S S-AO1-R T-AH1-V-S T-AH1 F-AH0-N-D HH-IY1 D-AH1 Z-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V DH-AE1-T-S T-AH1-F S-OW1 AH0 N-AH1 DH-ER0 R-AW1-N D-AH1 V-AH0 P-L-AO1 Z-AY1 TH-IH1-NG-K F-AO1-R HH-AA1-R-V


put your hands together for next best thing!

P-UH1 T-Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D-Z T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 F-AO1-R N-EH1-K-S-T B-EH1-S-T TH-IH1-NG


performers this time are called next best thing. they do sketch comedy.

P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0-Z DH-IH1-S T-AY1 M-AA1-R K-AO1-L D-N-EH1-K-S-T B-EH1-S-T TH-IH1-NG DH-EY1 D-UW1-S K-EH1-CH K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0


they're doing a sketch comedy show called never been better at five o'clock opium from now until the 29th, apart from on the 19th-

TH-EH1-R D-UW1 IH0 NG-AH0-S K-EH1-CH K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0 SH-OW1 K-AO1-L D-N-EH1 V-ER0 B-IH1-N B-EH1 T-ER0 AE1-T F-AY1 V-AH0 K-L-AA1 K-OW1 P-IY0 AH0-M F-R-AH1-M N-AW1 AH0-N T-IH1-L DH-AH0 T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 N-AY1-N TH-AH0 P-AA1-R-T F-R-AH1 M-AA1-N DH-AH0 N-AY1-N T-IY1-N-TH


where do you think you're going dressed like that? syria?

W-EH1-R D-UW1 Y-UW1 TH-IH1-NG K-Y-UH1-R G-OW1 IH0-NG D-R-EH1-S T-L-AY1-K DH-AE1-T S-IH1 R-IY0 AH0


angela. hi, hi, how're you?

AE1-N JH-AH0 L-AH0 HH-AY1 HH-AY1 HH-AO1 R-Y-UW1


my god, so good. how are you?

M-AY1 G-AA1-D S-OW1 G-UH1-D HH-AW1 AA1 R-Y-UW1


yeah, no, yeah, no, yeah. it's just yeah, no, yeah. yeah. you, me, well you know. yeah no i've-

Y-AE1 N-OW1 Y-AE1 N-OW1 Y-AE1 IH1-T-S JH-AH1-S T-Y-AE1 N-OW1 Y-AE1 Y-AE1 Y-UW1 M-IY1 W-EH1 L-Y-UW1 N-OW1 Y-AE1 N-OW1 AY1-V


when you bump into someone in the street knowing you've had your little finger up their bum. memories. god.

W-EH1 N-Y-UW1 B-AH1-M P-IH0-N T-UW1 S-AH1 M-W-AH2 N-IH0-N DH-AH0-S T-R-IY1 T-N-OW1 IH0 NG-Y-UW1-V HH-AE1 D-Y-AO1-R L-IH1 T-AH0-L F-IH1-NG G-ER0 AH1-P DH-EH1-R B-AH1-M M-EH1 M-ER0 IY0-Z G-AA1-D


i thought she-yep she's safe from you now hall. so you've moved on.

AY1 TH-AO1-T SH-AY1-P SH-EH1-S S-EY1-F F-R-AH1 M-Y-UW1 N-AW1 HH-AO1-L S-OW1 Y-UW1 V-M-UW1-V D-AA1-N


i've moved on. we should double date.

AY1 V-M-UW1-V D-AA1 N-W-IY1 SH-UH1-D D-AH1 B-AH0-L D-EY1-T


hello john-


petals. bird feeders. a loofah. what do these things have in common? they're all symbols of-

P-EH1 T-AH0-L-Z B-ER1-D F-IY1 D-ER0 Z-AH0 L-UW1 F-AH0 W-AH1-T D-UW1 DH-IY1-Z TH-IH1-NG-Z HH-AE1 V-IH0-N K-AA1 M-AH0-N TH-EH1 R-AO1-L S-IH1-M B-AH0-L Z-AH1-V


customer design, things on jewelry.com and create an online profile.

K-AH1-S T-AH0 M-ER0 D-IH0 Z-AY1-N TH-IH1-NG Z-AA1-N JH-UW1 AH0-L R-IH2 K-AH0-N-D K-R-IY0 EY1 T-AE1 N-AO1 N-L-AY2-N P-R-OW1 F-AY2-L


containing the art to be photographed will be delivered to your home address under your mother's maiden name. the other containing the jewelry, you have to find.

K-AH0-N T-EY1 N-IH0-NG DH-AH0 AA1-R-T T-UW1 B-IY1 F-OW1 T-AH0 G-R-AE2-F T-W-IH1-L B-IY1 D-IH0 L-IH1 V-ER0-D T-UW1 Y-AO1-R HH-OW1 M-AE1 D-R-EH2 S-AH1-N D-ER0 Y-AO1-R M-AH1 DH-ER0 Z-M-EY1 D-AH0-N N-EY1-M DH-AH0 AH1 DH-ER0 K-AH0-N T-EY1 N-IH0-NG DH-AH0 JH-UW1 AH0-L R-IY0 Y-UW1 HH-AE1-V T-UW1 F-AY1-N-D


when it arrives at your office the following day under the name of disgrace.

W-EH1 N-IH1 T-ER0 AY1-V Z-AE1 T-Y-AO1 R-AO1 F-AH0-S DH-AH0 F-AA1 L-OW0 IH0-NG D-EY1 AH1-N D-ER0 DH-AH0 N-EY1 M-AH1-V D-IH0-S G-R-EY1-S


that's an excellent idea, but what do they want to do with my money?

TH-AE1-T S-AE1 N-EH1-K S-AH0 L-AH0-N T-AY0 D-IY1 AH0 B-AH1 T-W-AH1-T D-UW1 DH-EY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 D-UW1 W-IH1 DH-M-AY1 M-AH1 N-IY0


next best thing, everybody.

N-EH1-K-S-T B-EH1-S-T TH-IH1 NG-EH1 V-R-IY0 B-AA2 D-IY0


that's a nice sound for our podcast listeners there.

TH-AE1-T S-AH0 N-AY1-S S-AW1-N-D F-AO1 R-AW1 ER0 P-OW1-D K-AE2-S T-L-IH1 S-AH0 N-ER0-Z DH-EH1-R


so our next performer is doing a show called the boy with the moomin tattoo.

S-OW1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 IH1-Z D-UW1 IH0 NG-AH0 SH-OW1 K-AO1-L-D DH-AH0 B-OY1 W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 M-UW1 M-IH0-N T-AE0 T-UW1


it's really, really good. i really, really enjoyed it the other day. when i saw it and i'm a moomin fan.

IH1-T S-R-IH1 L-IY0 R-IH1 L-IY0 G-UH1 D-AY1 R-IH1 L-IY0 R-IH1 L-IY0 EH0-N JH-OY1 D-IH1-T DH-AH0 AH1 DH-ER0 D-EY1 W-EH1 N-AY1 S-AO1 IH1 T-AH0-N D-IH1 M-AH0 M-UW1 M-IH0-N F-AE1-N


so this isn't part of my show.

S-OW1 DH-IH1 S-IH1 S-AH0-N-T P-AA1-R T-AH1 V-M-AY1 SH-OW1


this is generally what i do for a warmup in the street, which is why i don't get many people in, and it's soon to be tragic on cosmic and personal and everything kind of levels.

DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z JH-EH1 N-ER0 AH0 L-IY0 W-AH1 T-AY1 D-UW1 F-AO1 R-AH0 W-AO1-R M-AH2 P-IH0-N DH-AH0-S T-R-IY1 T-W-IH1 CH-IH1 Z-W-AY1 AY1 D-AA1-N-T G-EH1 T-M-EH1 N-IY0 P-IY1 P-AH0 L-IH0 N-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S S-UW1-N T-UW1 B-IY1 T-R-AE1 JH-IH0 K-AA1-N K-AA1 Z-M-IH0 K-AH0-N-D P-ER1 S-IH0 N-IH0 L-AH0-N D-EH1 V-R-IY0 TH-IH2-NG K-AY1-N D-AH1 V-L-EH1 V-AH0-L-Z


i'd like to perform for you. a poem by mr. edgar allen poe.

IH1 D-L-AY1-K T-UW1 P-ER0 F-AO1-R-M F-AO1 R-Y-UW1 AH0 P-OW1 AH0-M B-AY1 M-IH1-S T-ER0 EH1-D G-ER0 AE1 L-AH0-N P-OW1


called the raven.


as i nodded nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.

AE1 Z-AY1 N-AA1 D-AH0 D-N-IH1-R L-IY0 N-AE1 P-IH0-NG S-AH1 D-AH0 N-L-IY0 DH-EH1-R K-EY1 M-AH0 T-AE1 P-IH0 NG-AE1 Z-AH1-V S-AH1 M-W-AH2-N JH-EH1-N T-L-IY0 R-AE1 P-IH0 NG-R-AE1 P-IH0 NG-AE1 T-M-AY1 CH-EY1-M B-ER0 D-AO1-R


"'tis some visitor," i muttered. "rapping at my chamber door. this it is and nothing more."

T-IH1-Z S-AH1-M V-IH1 Z-AH0 T-ER0 AY1 M-AH1 T-ER0 D-R-AE1 P-IH0 NG-AE1 T-M-AY1 CH-EY1-M B-ER0 D-AO1-R DH-IH1 S-IH1 T-IH1 Z-AH0-N D-N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG M-AO1-R


i remember it was in the bleak december and each separate dying ember,

AY1 R-IH0 M-EH1-M B-ER0 IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-IH0-N DH-AH0 B-L-IY1-K D-IH0 S-EH1-M B-ER0 AH0-N D-IY1-CH S-EH1 P-ER0 IH0-T D-AY1 IH0 NG-EH1-M B-ER0


brought its shadow on the floor. eagerly,

B-R-AO1 T-IH1-T-S SH-AE1 D-OW2 AA1-N DH-AH0 F-L-AO1 R-IY1 G-ER0 L-IY0


i tried to borrow from my books. so cease of sorrow, sorrow for the lost lenore.

AY1 T-R-AY1-D T-UW1 B-AA1 R-OW2 F-R-AH1-M M-AY1 B-UH1-K-S S-OW1 S-IY1 S-AH1-V S-AA1 R-OW0 S-AA1 R-OW0 F-AO1-R DH-AH0 L-AO1-S T-L-AH0 N-AO1-R


for the rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels name lenore.

F-AO1-R DH-AH0 R-EH1 R-AH0-N D-R-EY1 D-IY0 AH0-N T-M-EY1 D-AH0-N HH-UW1-M DH-AH0 EY1-N JH-AH0-L Z-N-EY1 M-L-AH0 N-AO1-R


nameless here, for evermore.

N-EY1 M-L-AH0-S HH-IY1-R F-AO1 R-EH1 V-ER0 M-AO2-R


just still the beating of my heart. i stood repeating,

JH-AH1-S-T-S T-IH1-L DH-AH0 B-IY1 T-IH0 NG-AH1 V-M-AY1 HH-AA1-R T-AY1-S T-UH1 D-R-IH0 P-IY1 T-IH0-NG


"'tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door. some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door.

T-IH1-Z S-AH1-M V-IH1 Z-AH0 T-ER0 EH0-N T-R-IY1 T-IH0 NG-EH1-N T-R-AH0-N S-AE1 T-M-AY1 CH-EY1-M B-ER0 D-AO1-R S-AH1 M-L-EY1-T V-IH1 Z-AH0 T-ER0 EH0-N T-R-IY1 T-IH0 NG-EH1-N T-R-AH0-N S-AE1 T-M-AY1 CH-EY1-M B-ER0 D-AO1-R


this it is. and nothing more. this it is and nothing more. this-

DH-IH1 S-IH1 T-IH1 Z-AH0-N D-N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG M-AO1-R DH-IH1 S-IH1 T-IH1 Z-AH0-N D-N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG M-AO1-R DH-IH1-S


it is and nothing more." presently, my soul grew stronger. hesitating-

IH1 T-IH1 Z-AH0-N D-N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG M-AO1-R P-R-EH1 Z-AH0-N T-L-IY0 M-AY1 S-OW1-L G-R-UW1-S T-R-AO1 NG-ER0 HH-EH1 Z-AH0 T-EY2 T-IH0-NG


...i, "or madam, truly your forgiveness-

AY1 AO1-R M-AE1 D-AH0-M T-R-UW1 L-IY0 Y-AO1-R F-ER0 G-IH1 V-N-AH0-S


i implore. but the fact is i was napping. and so softly, you came tapping and so gently,

AY1 IH0-M P-L-AO1-R B-AH1-T DH-AH0 F-AE1-K T-IH1 Z-AY1 W-AA1 Z-N-AE1 P-IH0 NG-AH0-N-D S-OW1 S-AO1-F T-L-IY0 Y-UW1 K-EY1-M T-AE1 P-IH0 NG-AH0-N-D S-OW1 JH-EH1-N T-L-IY0


and nothing more. deep-


into that darkness peering, long i stood there wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams-

IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AE1-T D-AA1-R K-N-AH0-S P-IY1 R-IH0 NG-L-AO1 NG-AY1-S T-UH1-D DH-EH1 R-W-AH1-N D-ER0 IH0-NG F-IH1 R-IH0-NG D-AW1 T-IH0-NG D-R-IY1 M-IH0-NG D-R-IY1-M-Z


no mortal ever dared to dream before, but the stillness was unbroken and the silence gave no token. and the only word that's spoken was the whispered word, "lenore?"

N-OW1 M-AO1-R T-AH0 L-EH1 V-ER0 D-EH1-R-D T-UW1 D-R-IY1-M B-IH0 F-AO1-R B-AH1-T DH-AH0-S T-IH1-L N-AH0 S-W-AA1 Z-AH0-N B-R-OW1 K-AH0 N-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 S-AY1 L-AH0-N-S G-EY1 V-N-OW1 T-OW1 K-AH0 N-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 OW1 N-L-IY0 W-ER1-D TH-AE1-T-S-S P-OW1 K-AH0 N-W-AA1-Z DH-AH0 W-IH1-S P-ER0 D-W-ER1 D-L-AH0 N-AO1-R


this i whispered, and the echo muttered back the word,

DH-IH1 S-AY1 W-IH1-S P-ER0 D-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 EH1 K-OW0 M-AH1 T-ER0-D B-AE1-K DH-AH0 W-ER1-D


merely this and nothing more.

M-IH1-R L-IY0 DH-IH1 S-AH0-N D-N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG M-AO1-R


back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning. once again, i heard a tapping somewhat louder than before. "surely," said-

B-AE1 K-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 CH-EY1-M B-ER0 T-ER1 N-IH0 NG-AO1-L M-AY1 S-OW1 L-W-IH0 DH-IH1-N M-IY1 B-ER1 N-IH0 NG-W-AH1-N S-AH0 G-EH1 N-AY1 HH-ER1 D-AH0 T-AE1 P-IH0-NG S-AH1 M-W-AH1 T-L-AW1 D-ER0 DH-AE1-N B-IH0 F-AO1-R SH-UH1-R L-IY0 S-EH1-D


i, "surely that is something at my window lattice.

AY1 SH-UH1-R L-IY0 DH-AE1 T-IH1-Z S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-AE1 T-M-AY1 W-IH1-N D-OW0 L-AE1 T-AH0-S


let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore. let my heart be still a moment. and this mystery explore, 'tis the wind and nothing more." open wide-

L-EH1 T-M-IY1 S-IY1 DH-EH1 N-W-AH1-T TH-EH1 R-EY0 T-IH1 Z-AH0-N-D DH-IH1 S-M-IH1-S T-ER0 IY0 IH0-K-S P-L-AO1-R L-EH1 T-M-AY1 HH-AA1-R-T B-IY1-S T-IH1 L-AH0 M-OW1 M-AH0-N T-AH0-N-D DH-IH1 S-M-IH1-S T-ER0 IY0 IH0-K-S P-L-AO1-R T-IH1-Z DH-AH0 W-AY1-N D-AH0-N D-N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG M-AO1 R-OW1 P-AH0 N-W-AY1-D


...with many a flirt and flutter,

W-IH1 DH-M-EH1 N-IY0 AH0 F-L-ER1 T-AH0-N-D F-L-AH1 T-ER0


in there stepped a stately raven of the sainted days of yore.

IH0-N DH-EH1-R-S T-EH1-P T-AH0-S T-EY1 T-L-IY0 R-EY1 V-AH0 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 S-EY1-N T-IH0-D D-EY1 Z-AH1 V-Y-AO1-R


not the least obeisance made he, not the minute stopped or stayed he-

N-AA1-T DH-AH0 L-IY1-S T-OW0 B-EY1 S-AH0-N S-M-EY1-D HH-IY1 N-AA1-T DH-AH0 M-IH1 N-AH0-T-S T-AA1-P T-AO1-R-S T-EY1-D HH-IY1


...beguiling my sad fancy into smiling. by the grave and stern demeanor of the countenance it wore,

B-IH0 G-AY1 L-IH0-NG M-AY1 S-AE1-D F-AE1-N S-IY0 IH0-N T-UW1 S-M-AY1 L-IH0-NG B-AY1 DH-AH0 G-R-EY1 V-AH0-N-D-S T-ER1-N D-IH0 M-IY1 N-ER0 AH1-V DH-AH0 K-AW1-N T-AH0 N-AH0-N S-IH1 T-W-AO1-R


"though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," said i-

DH-OW1 DH-AY1 K-R-EH1-S-T B-IY1 SH-AO1-R N-AH0-N-D SH-EY1 V-AH0-N DH-AW1 S-EH1 D-AY1


"thou art sure no craven, ghastly grim and antique raven coming from the nightly shore.

DH-AW1 AA1-R-T SH-UH1-R N-OW1 K-R-EY1 V-AH0-N G-AE1-S T-L-IY0 G-R-IH1 M-AH0-N D-AE0-N T-IY1 K-R-EY1 V-AH0-N K-AH1 M-IH0-NG F-R-AH1-M DH-AH0 N-AY1 T-L-IY0 SH-AO1-R


tell me what thy lordly name is on the night's plutonian shore." and the bird said,

T-EH1-L M-IY1 W-AH1-T DH-AY1 L-AO1-R D-L-IY0 N-EY1 M-IH1 Z-AA1-N DH-AH0 N-AY1-T-S P-L-UW0 T-OW1 N-IY0 AH0-N SH-AO1 R-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 B-ER1-D S-EH1-D


much i marveled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly, though its answer little meaning, little relevance he bore. for we cannot help agreeing that no living human being ever-

M-AH1 CH-AY1 M-AA1-R V-AH0-L-D DH-IH1 S-AH0-N G-EY1 N-L-IY0 F-AW1-L T-UW1 HH-IY1-R D-IH1-S K-AO0-R-S S-OW1 P-L-EY1 N-L-IY0 DH-OW1 IH1-T S-AE1-N S-ER0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L M-IY1 N-IH0 NG-L-IH1 T-AH0-L R-EH1 L-AH0 V-AH0-N-S HH-IY1 B-AO1-R F-AO1 R-W-IY1 K-AE1 N-AA0-T HH-EH1-L P-AH0 G-R-IY1 IH0-NG DH-AE1 T-N-OW1 L-IH1 V-IH0-NG HH-Y-UW1 M-AH0-N B-IY1 IH0 NG-EH1 V-ER0


...he did outpour. nothing further than he uttered, not a feather then he fluttered.

HH-IY1 D-IH1 D-AW2-T P-AO1-R N-AH1 TH-IH0-NG F-ER1 DH-ER0 DH-AE1-N HH-IY1 AH1 T-ER0 D-N-AA1 T-AH0 F-EH1 DH-ER0 DH-EH1-N HH-IY1 F-L-AH1 T-ER0-D


'til i scarcely more than muttered,

T-IH1 L-AY1-S K-EH1-R S-L-IY0 M-AO1-R DH-AE1-N M-AH1 T-ER0-D


"other friends have flown before, on the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before." and the bird said,

AH1 DH-ER0 F-R-EH1-N-D-Z HH-AE1-V F-L-OW1-N B-IH0 F-AO1 R-AA1-N DH-AH0 M-AA1 R-OW0 HH-IY1 W-IH1-L L-IY1 V-M-IY1 AE1 Z-M-AY1 HH-OW1-P-S HH-AE1-V F-L-OW1-N B-IH0 F-AO1 R-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 B-ER1-D S-EH1-D


startled at the silence broken by replies so aptly spoken. "doubtless," said i,

S-T-AA1-R T-AH0-L D-AE1-T DH-AH0 S-AY1 L-AH0-N-S B-R-OW1 K-AH0-N B-AY1 R-IH0 P-L-AY1-Z S-OW1 AE1-P T-L-IY0-S P-OW1 K-AH0-N D-AW1 T-L-AH0-S S-EH1 D-AY1


"what it utters is its only stock and store caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster followed fast and followed faster 'til his songs-

W-AH1 T-IH1 T-AH1 T-ER0 Z-IH1 Z-IH1-T S-OW1 N-L-IY0-S T-AA1 K-AH0-N-D-S T-AO1-R K-AA1-T F-R-AH1-M S-AH1 M-AH0-N HH-AE1 P-IY0 M-AE1-S T-ER0 HH-UW1 M-AH0-N M-EH1-R S-IH0 K-AH0-L D-IH0 Z-AE1-S T-ER0 F-AA1 L-OW0-D F-AE1-S T-AH0-N-D F-AA1 L-OW0-D F-AE1-S T-ER0 T-IH1-L HH-IH1-Z S-AO1-NG-Z


one burden bore. 'til the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden-

W-AH1-N B-ER1 D-AH0-N B-AO1-R T-IH1-L DH-AH0 D-ER1 JH-IH0 Z-AH1-V HH-IH1-Z HH-OW1-P DH-AE1 T-M-EH1 L-AH0-N K-AA2 L-IY0 B-ER1 D-AH0-N


still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, straight i wheeled a cushion to seat-

S-T-IH1-L B-IH0 G-AY1 L-IH0 NG-AO1-L M-AY1 F-AE1-N S-IY0 IH0-N T-UW1 S-M-AY1 L-IH0-NG-S T-R-EY1 T-AY1 W-IY1-L D-AH0 K-UH1 SH-AH0-N T-UW1 S-IY1-T


in front of bird, and bust and door.

IH0-N F-R-AH1-N T-AH1-V B-ER1 D-AH0-N-D B-AH1-S T-AH0-N-D D-AO1-R


with the lamp-light gloating o'er, but whose velvet-

W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 L-AE1-M P-L-AY2-T G-L-OW1 T-IH0 NG-OY1-R B-AH1-T HH-UW1-Z V-EH1-L V-AH0-T


violet lining with the lamp-light-

V-AY1 AH0 L-IH0 T-L-AY1 N-IH0 NG-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 L-AE1-M P-L-AY2-T


...cried, "thy god hath sent thee respite by these angels-

K-R-AY1-D DH-AY1 G-AA1-D HH-AE1-TH S-EH1-N-T DH-IY1 R-EH1-S P-IH0-T B-AY1 DH-IY1 Z-EY1-N JH-AH0-L-Z


he hath lent thee respite, respite and nepenthe from thy memories of lenore. quaff, oh quaff-

HH-IY1 HH-AE1 TH-L-EH1-N-T DH-IY1 R-EH1-S P-IH0 T-R-EH1-S P-IH0 T-AH0-N D-N-AH0 P-EH1-N-TH F-R-AH1-M DH-AY1 M-EH1 M-ER0 IY0 Z-AH1 V-L-AH0 N-AO1-R K-W-AO1 F-OW1 K-W-AO1-F


this kind nepenthe and forget the lost lenore." quoth the raven, "nevermore.""prophet," said-

DH-IH1-S K-AY1-N D-N-AH0 P-EH1-N TH-AH0-N-D F-ER0 G-EH1-T DH-AH0 L-AO1-S T-L-AH0 N-AO1-R K-W-OW1-TH DH-AH0 R-EY1 V-AH0-N N-EH2 D-ER0 V-AH0-M P-R-UW1 T-IH0-K S-EH1-D


tell me truly, i implore is there, is there balm in gilead?

T-EH1-L M-IY1 T-R-UW1 L-IY0 AY1 IH0-M P-L-AO1 R-IH1-Z DH-EH1 R-IH1-Z DH-EH1-R B-AA1 M-IH0-N G-IH0 L-IY1-D


prophet if you bird or devil. by that heaven that bends above us, by that god-

P-R-AA1 F-AH0 T-IH1 F-Y-UW1 B-ER1 D-AO1-R D-EH1 V-AH0-L B-AY1 DH-AE1-T HH-EH1 V-AH0-N DH-AE1-T B-EH1-N-D Z-AH0 B-AH1 V-AH1-S B-AY1 DH-AE1-T G-AA1-D


... "be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend,"

B-IY1 DH-AE1 T-W-ER1 D-AW1 ER0 S-AY1 N-AH1-V P-AA1-R T-IH0-NG B-ER1 D-AO1-R F-IY1-N-D


i shrieked, upstarting, "get thee back into the night.

AY1 SH-R-IY1-K T-AH1-P-S T-AO2-R T-IH0-NG G-EH1-T DH-IY1 B-AE1 K-IH0-N T-UW1 DH-AH0 N-AY1-T


and the night's plutonian shore. leave no black plume as a token of that lie-

AH0-N-D DH-AH0 N-AY1-T-S P-L-UW0 T-OW1 N-IY0 AH0-N SH-AO1-R L-IY1 V-N-OW1 B-L-AE1-K P-L-UW1 M-AE1 Z-AH0 T-OW1 K-AH0 N-AH1-V DH-AE1 T-L-AY1


thy soul hath spoken. leave my loneliness unbroken.

DH-AY1 S-OW1-L HH-AE1-TH-S P-OW1 K-AH0 N-L-IY1 V-M-AY1 L-OW1 N-L-IY0 N-AH0 S-AH0-N B-R-OW1 K-AH0-N


pallas just above my chamber door. and his eye have all the seeming of a demon's-

P-AE1 L-AH0-S JH-AH1-S T-AH0 B-AH1 V-M-AY1 CH-EY1-M B-ER0 D-AO1 R-AH0-N-D HH-IH1 Z-AY1 HH-AE1 V-AO1-L DH-AH0 S-IY1 M-IH0 NG-AH1 V-AH0 D-IY1 M-AH0-N-Z


...from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor shall be lifted-

F-R-AH1 M-AW1-T DH-AE1-T SH-AE1 D-OW2 DH-AE1 T-L-AY1-Z F-L-OW1 T-IH0 NG-AA1-N DH-AH0 F-L-AO1-R SH-AE1-L B-IY1 L-IH1-F T-AH0-D


put your hands together for joz norris.

P-UH1 T-Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D-Z T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 F-AO1-R JH-AA1 Z-N-AO1 R-IH0-S


the worst you can do is just sit and be polite and listen for a bit.

DH-AH0 W-ER1-S T-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N D-UW1 IH1-Z JH-AH1-S-T S-IH1 T-AH0-N-D B-IY1 P-AH0 L-AY1 T-AH0-N D-L-IH1 S-AH0-N F-AO1 R-AH0 B-IH1-T


they put their heads on their desks. it makes you appreciate bad comedy audiences.

DH-EY1 P-UH1-T DH-EH1-R HH-EH1-D Z-AA1-N DH-EH1-R D-EH1-S-K S-IH1 T-M-EY1-K S-Y-UW1 AH0 P-R-IY1 SH-IY0 EY2-T B-AE1-D K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0 AA1 D-IY0 AH0-N S-AH0-Z


it's never as bad as that. so i stood there just for a while, just feeling like i was dying and trying to explain what the creative impulse was to a bunch of people who wanted to be architects. and that was horrid.

IH1-T S-N-EH1 V-ER0 AE1-Z B-AE1 D-AE1-Z DH-AE1-T S-OW1 AY1-S T-UH1-D DH-EH1-R JH-AH1-S-T F-AO1 R-AH0 W-AY1-L JH-AH1-S-T F-IY1 L-IH0 NG-L-AY1 K-AY1 W-AA1-Z D-AY1 IH0 NG-AH0-N-D T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1 IH0-K-S P-L-EY1 N-W-AH1-T DH-AH0 K-R-IY0 EY1 T-IH0 V-IH1-M P-AH0-L S-W-AA1-Z T-UW1 AH0 B-AH1-N CH-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0-L HH-UW1 W-AA1-N T-AH0-D T-UW1 B-IY1 AA1-R K-AH0 T-EH2-K-T S-AH0-N-D DH-AE1 T-W-AA1-Z HH-AO1 R-AH0-D


we did oxford, he was an organ scholar, a very sort of academic man. and then i went into a career-

W-IY1 D-IH1 D-AA1-K-S F-ER0-D HH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-AE1 N-AO1-R G-AH0-N-S K-AA1 L-ER0 AH0 V-EH1 R-IY0 S-AO1-R T-AH1 V-AE2 K-AH0 D-EH1 M-IH0 K-M-AE1 N-AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-AY1 W-EH1-N T-IH0-N T-UW1 AH0 K-ER0 IH1-R


where i sort of throw crisps around and put a toilet seat on my head and wave an invisible dog about, and for a long time, i think he was, "i don't get, i don't understand this.

W-EH1 R-AY1 S-AO1-R T-AH1-V TH-R-OW1 K-R-IH1-S-P S-ER0 AW1-N D-AH0-N-D P-UH1 T-AH0 T-OY1 L-AH0-T S-IY1 T-AA1-N M-AY1 HH-EH1 D-AH0-N D-W-EY1 V-AE1 N-IH0-N V-IH1 Z-AH0 B-AH0-L D-AO1 G-AH0 B-AW1 T-AH0-N-D F-AO1 R-AH0 L-AO1-NG T-AY1 M-AY1 TH-IH1-NG-K HH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-AY1 D-AA1-N-T G-EH1 T-AY1 D-AA1-N T-AH2-N D-ER0-S T-AE1-N-D DH-IH1-S


i don't know where it comes from." and then he came to see it.

AY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 W-EH1 R-IH1-T K-AH1-M-Z F-R-AH1 M-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N HH-IY1 K-EY1-M T-UW1 S-IY1 IH1-T


i said, "are you enjoying it?" and he had this weird look that i'd never seen in him before. and he said,

AY1 S-EH1 D-AA1 R-Y-UW1 EH0-N JH-OY1 IH0 NG-IH1 T-AH0-N-D HH-IY1 HH-AE1-D DH-IH1 S-W-IH1-R D-L-UH1-K DH-AE1 T-IH1 D-N-EH1 V-ER0 S-IY1 N-IH0-N HH-IH1-M B-IH0 F-AO1 R-AH0-N-D HH-IY1 S-EH1-D


"i've never seen anything like this before." and that was lovely. and he came to see my first ever edinburgh show in 2012, it was a midnight show on the wrong side of town. barely anyone turned up, but he came along and met all the weirdos-

AY1 V-N-EH1 V-ER0 S-IY1 N-EH1 N-IY0 TH-IH2 NG-L-AY1-K DH-IH1-S B-IH0 F-AO1 R-AH0-N-D DH-AE1 T-W-AA1 Z-L-AH1 V-L-IY0 AH0-N-D HH-IY1 K-EY1-M T-UW1 S-IY1 M-AY1 F-ER1-S T-EH1 V-ER0 EH1 D-AH0-N B-ER0 OW0 SH-OW1 IH0-N T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 T-W-EH1-L V-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AH0 M-IH1 D-N-AY2-T SH-OW1 AA1-N DH-AH0 R-AO1-NG S-AY1 D-AH1-V T-AW1-N B-EH1-R L-IY0 EH1 N-IY0 W-AH2-N T-ER1-N D-AH1-P B-AH1-T HH-IY1 K-EY1 M-AH0 L-AO1 NG-AH0-N D-M-EH1 T-AO1-L DH-AH0 W-IH1-R D-OW0-Z


afterwards, including matthew heighton, who does a lot of standup tragedy stuff. he's a great storyteller and comedian.

AE1-F T-ER0 W-ER0-D Z-IH0-N K-L-UW1 D-IH0-NG M-AE1 TH-Y-UW0 HH-AY1 T-AH0-N HH-UW1 D-AH1 Z-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH1-V-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0-S T-AH1-F HH-IY1 Z-AH0 G-R-EY1-T-S T-AO1 R-IY0 T-EH2 L-ER0 AH0-N-D K-AH0 M-IY1 D-IY0 AH0-N


and after the show, he'd seen me do this show at midnight. and then he went around to everybody-

AH0-N D-AE1-F T-ER0 DH-AH0 SH-OW1 HH-EH1-D S-IY1-N M-IY1 D-UW1 DH-IH1-S SH-OW1 AE1 T-M-IH1 D-N-AY2 T-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N HH-IY1 W-EH1-N T-ER0 AW1-N-D T-UW1 EH1 V-R-IY0 B-AA2 D-IY0


...my dad hugged me, that hasn't happened ever. and then matthew heighton said, "oh, i don't-

M-AY1 D-AE1-D HH-AH1-G D-M-IY1 DH-AE1-T HH-AE1-S-N-T HH-AE1 P-AH0-N D-EH1 V-ER0 AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N M-AE1 TH-Y-UW0 HH-AY1 T-AH0-N S-EH1 D-OW1 AY1 D-AA1-N-T


want to make you feel bad." but he hugged me when he met me, which was-

W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 M-EY1 K-Y-UW1 F-IY1-L B-AE1-D B-AH1-T HH-IY1 HH-AH1-G D-M-IY1 W-EH1-N HH-IY1 M-EH1 T-M-IY1 W-IH1 CH-W-AA1-Z


great, but i hug him now every now and again. so that was that one. my mum,

G-R-EY1-T B-AH1 T-AY1 HH-AH1-G HH-IH1-M N-AW1 EH1 V-ER0 IY0 N-AW1 AH0-N D-AH0 G-EH1-N S-OW1 DH-AE1 T-W-AA1-Z DH-AE1 T-W-AH1-N M-AY1 M-AH1-M


by contrast, hasn't been to see any of my stuff in about two years. partly through-

B-AY1 K-AA1-N T-R-AE0-S-T HH-AE1-S-N-T B-IH1-N T-UW1 S-IY1 EH1 N-IY0 AH1 V-M-AY1-S T-AH1 F-IH0 N-AH0 B-AW1-T T-UW1 Y-IH1-R-Z P-AA1-R T-L-IY0 TH-R-UW1


...the more you feel like you start to question which it is that you gravitate towards. like you start building families out of friends.

DH-AH0 M-AO1 R-Y-UW1 F-IY1-L L-AY1 K-Y-UW1-S T-AA1-R-T T-UW1 K-W-EH1-S CH-AH0 N-W-IH1 CH-IH1 T-IH1-Z DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 G-R-AE1 V-IH0 T-EY2-T T-AH0 W-AO1-R-D Z-L-AY1 K-Y-UW1-S T-AA1-R-T B-IH1-L D-IH0-NG F-AE1 M-AH0 L-IY0 Z-AW1 T-AH1-V F-R-EH1-N-D-Z


i had a little family of girls that i was living with for a bit in my flat, tonya m. dog, little hen,

AY1 HH-AE1 D-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L F-AE1 M-AH0 L-IY0 AH1-V G-ER1-L-Z DH-AE1 T-AY1 W-AA1 Z-L-IH1 V-IH0 NG-W-IH1-DH F-AO1 R-AH0 B-IH1 T-IH0-N M-AY1 F-L-AE1-T T-AA1 N-Y-AH0 EH1-M D-AO1 G-L-IH1 T-AH0-L HH-EH1-N


lovely girls. they've all gone now to get on with their lives.

L-AH1 V-L-IY0 G-ER1-L-Z DH-EY1 V-AO1-L G-AO1-N N-AW1 T-UW1 G-EH1 T-AA1 N-W-IH1-DH DH-EH1-R L-IH1-V-Z


one of thems moved to kensington to move in with her boyfriend, one of thems-

W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-EH1-M Z-M-UW1-V-D T-UW1 K-EH1-N Z-IH0-NG T-AH0-N T-UW1 M-UW1 V-IH0 N-W-IH1-DH HH-ER0 B-OY1 F-R-EH2-N D-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-EH1-M-Z


just sick of me trying on her bras to see what i looked like. and i look rubbish, really rubbish.

JH-AH1-S-T S-IH1 K-AH1 V-M-IY1 T-R-AY1 IH0 NG-AA1-N HH-ER0 B-R-AE1-S T-UW1 S-IY1 W-AH1 T-AY1 L-UH1-K T-L-AY1 K-AH0-N D-AY1 L-UH1 K-R-AH1 B-IH0 SH-R-IH1 L-IY0 R-AH1 B-IH0-SH


she pulls them off better than me, but so they've all gone. and then my grandma called me up earlier this year and i always have the same conversation with my grandma.

SH-IY1 P-UH1-L-Z DH-EH1 M-AO1-F B-EH1 T-ER0 DH-AE1-N M-IY1 B-AH1-T S-OW1 DH-EY1 V-AO1-L G-AO1 N-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N M-AY1 G-R-AE1 M-AA0 K-AO1-L D-M-IY1 AH1 P-ER1 L-IY0 ER0 DH-IH1 S-Y-IH1 R-AH0-N D-AY1 AO1 L-W-EY2-Z HH-AE1-V DH-AH0 S-EY1-M K-AA2-N V-ER0 S-EY1 SH-AH0 N-W-IH1 DH-M-AY1 G-R-AE1 M-AA0


"i'm sorry." and this year she got confused. cause she's very old and she-

IH1-M S-AA1 R-IY0 AH0-N-D DH-IH1 S-Y-IH1-R SH-IY1 G-AA1-T K-AH0-N F-Y-UW1-Z-D K-AA1-Z SH-EH1-S V-EH1 R-IY0 OW1-L D-AH0-N-D SH-IY1


chose the wrong words. she said, "we're sorry that we don't see you very much-

CH-OW1-Z DH-AH0 R-AO1 NG-W-ER1-D-Z SH-IY1 S-EH1 D-W-ER0 S-AA1 R-IY0 DH-AE1 T-W-IY1 D-AA1-N-T S-IY1 Y-UW1 V-EH1 R-IY0 M-AH1-CH


...really that i'm trying... this isn't a coherent story or all part of my show.

R-IH1 L-IY0 DH-AE1 T-IH1-M T-R-AY1 IH0-NG DH-IH1 S-IH1 S-AH0-N T-AH0 K-OW0 HH-IH1 R-AH0-N-T-S T-AO1 R-IY0 AO1 R-AO1-L P-AA1-R T-AH1 V-M-AY1 SH-OW1


it encouraged me to believe in what i did. she moved to vietnam and i was left with, you know, my mum had moved away.

IH1 T-EH0-N K-ER1 IH0-JH D-M-IY1 T-UW1 B-IH0 L-IY1 V-IH0 N-W-AH1 T-AY1 D-IH1-D SH-IY1 M-UW1-V-D T-UW1 V-IY0 EH2 T-N-AA1 M-AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1 Z-L-EH1-F T-W-IH1 DH-Y-UW1 N-OW1 M-AY1 M-AH1-M HH-AE1 D-M-UW1-V D-AH0 W-EY1


i didn't see my family much. my housemates were all going and i'm left just with the impulse to try and make sense of the fact that i want to do something silly for a living.

AY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N-T S-IY1 M-AY1 F-AE1 M-AH0 L-IY0 M-AH1 CH-M-AY1 HH-AW1 S-M-EY2-T S-W-ER0 AO1-L G-OW1 IH0 NG-AH0-N D-IH1 M-L-EH1-F-T JH-AH1-S T-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 IH1-M P-AH0-L-S T-UW1 T-R-AY1 AH0-N D-M-EY1-K S-EH1-N S-AH1-V DH-AH0 F-AE1-K-T DH-AE1 T-AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 D-UW1 S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG S-IH1 L-IY0 F-AO1 R-AH0 L-IH1 V-IH0-NG


there's this visitor and we ended up on this island called koh rong-

DH-EH1-R-Z DH-IH1-S V-IH1 Z-AH0 T-ER0 AH0-N D-W-IY1 EH1-N D-AH0 D-AH1 P-AA1-N DH-IH1 S-AY1 L-AH0-N-D K-AO1-L-D K-OW1 R-AO1-NG


samloem in cambodia in the middle of the night. and i was having a little cry because-

S-AE1 M-L-OW0 M-IH0-N K-AE2-M B-OW1 D-IY0 AH0 IH0-N DH-AH0 M-IH1 D-AH0 L-AH1-V DH-AH0 N-AY1 T-AH0-N D-AY1 W-AA1-Z HH-AE1 V-IH0 NG-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L K-R-AY1 B-IH0 K-AO1-Z


its my holiday as well. and she said,

IH1-T S-M-AY1 HH-AA1 L-AH0 D-EY2 AE1 Z-W-EH1 L-AH0-N-D SH-IY1 S-EH1-D


"what's wrong?" and i said, "i've never told anybody this, but i wish i was a little ball of light instead of a body. cause i'll be able to get everything done and-

W-AH0-T S-R-AO1 NG-AH0-N D-AY1 S-EH1 D-AY1 V-N-EH1 V-ER0 T-OW1-L D-EH1 N-IY0 B-AH0 D-IY0 DH-IH1-S B-AH1 T-AY1 W-IH1 SH-AY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L B-AO1 L-AH1 V-L-AY1 T-IH0-N-S T-EH1 D-AH1 V-AH0 B-AA1 D-IY0 K-AA1 Z-IH1-L B-IY1 EY1 B-AH0-L T-UW1 G-EH1 T-EH1 V-R-IY0 TH-IH2-NG D-AH1 N-AH0-N-D


never get sad. but the problem is existing." and she said,

N-EH1 V-ER0 G-EH1-T S-AE1-D B-AH1-T DH-AH0 P-R-AA1 B-L-AH0 M-IH1 Z-IH0-G Z-IH1-S T-IH0 NG-AH0-N-D SH-IY1 S-EH1-D


"what do you mean?" she said, "what's made you feel this way?" and i said, "no, you've missed the point. you've completely missed the point."

W-AH1-T D-UW1 Y-UW1 M-IY1-N SH-IY1 S-EH1 D-W-AH0-T S-M-EY1 D-Y-UW1 F-IY1-L DH-IH1 S-W-EY1 AH0-N D-AY1 S-EH1 D-N-OW1 Y-UW1 V-M-IH1-S-T DH-AH0 P-OY1-N T-Y-UW1-V K-AH0-M P-L-IY1 T-L-IY0 M-IH1-S-T DH-AH0 P-OY1-N-T


and she said, "okay, what can we do to help you feel better?" i said, no, you've missed the point completely.

AH0-N-D SH-IY1 S-EH1 D-OW2 K-EY1 W-AH1-T K-AE1 N-W-IY1 D-UW1 T-UW1 HH-EH1-L P-Y-UW1 F-IY1-L B-EH1 T-ER0 AY1 S-EH1 D-N-OW1 Y-UW1 V-M-IH1-S-T DH-AH0 P-OY1-N-T K-AH0-M P-L-IY1 T-L-IY0


i'm not talking about causes or resolutions.

IH1-M N-AA1-T T-AO1 K-IH0 NG-AH0 B-AW1-T K-AA1 Z-AH0 Z-AO1-R R-EH2 Z-AH0 L-UW1 SH-AH0-N-Z


that's just how i feel now and i'm trying to express it.

TH-AE1-T-S JH-AH1-S-T HH-AW1 AY1 F-IY1-L N-AW1 AH0-N D-IH1-M T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1 IH0-K-S P-R-EH1 S-IH1-T


and the only thing i've ever tried to do i think is to try and find space in my head to imagine things in a way of clearing out the space in the middle of your head.

AH0-N-D DH-AH0 OW1 N-L-IY0 TH-IH1 NG-AY1 V-EH1 V-ER0 T-R-AY1-D T-UW1 D-UW1 AY1 TH-IH1-NG K-IH1-Z T-UW1 T-R-AY1 AH0-N-D F-AY1-N-D-S P-EY1 S-IH0-N M-AY1 HH-EH1-D T-UW1 IH0 M-AE1 JH-AH0-N TH-IH1-NG Z-IH0 N-AH0 W-EY1 AH1-V K-L-IH1 R-IH0 NG-AW1-T DH-AH0-S P-EY1 S-IH0-N DH-AH0 M-IH1 D-AH0 L-AH1 V-Y-AO1-R HH-EH1-D


that's all it is. she said, "i total understand." and then we went swimming.

TH-AE1-T S-AO1 L-IH1 T-IH1-Z SH-IY1 S-EH1 D-AY1 T-OW1 T-AH0 L-AH2-N D-ER0-S T-AE1-N D-AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-W-IY1 W-EH1-N-T S-W-IH1 M-IH0-NG


and there's bioluminescence out there. you know the little plantains that glow, i like them.

AH0-N-D DH-EH1-R-Z B-AY2 OW0 L-AH0 M-Y-UW1 S-AH0-N S-AW1-T DH-EH1 R-Y-UW1 N-OW1 DH-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L P-L-AE1-N T-AH0-N-Z DH-AE1-T G-L-OW1 AY1 L-AY1-K DH-EH1-M


and then i came back here and did an edinburgh show where i wear a toilet seat on my head. and weirdly-

AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-AY1 K-EY1-M B-AE1-K HH-IY1 R-AH0-N-D D-IH1 D-AE1 N-EH1 D-AH0-N B-ER0 OW0 SH-OW1 W-EH1 R-AY1 W-EH1 R-AH0 T-OY1 L-AH0-T S-IY1 T-AA1-N M-AY1 HH-EH1 D-AH0-N D-W-IH1-R D-L-IY0


you guys have been lovely for listening to me.

Y-UW1 G-AY1-Z HH-AE1-V B-IH1 N-L-AH1 V-L-IY0 F-AO1-R L-IH1 S-AH0 N-IH0-NG T-UW1 M-IY1


try and address that directly for the first time and work out what it actually means. so thank you very much. thanks.

T-R-AY1 AH0-N D-AE1 D-R-EH2-S DH-AE1-T D-ER0 EH1-K T-L-IY0 F-AO1-R DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T T-AY1 M-AH0-N D-W-ER1 K-AW1 T-W-AH1 T-IH1 T-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 M-IY1-N-Z S-OW1 TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1 V-EH1 R-IY0 M-AH1-CH TH-AE1-NG-K-S


audiences to create the ambiance, to make the podcast a brilliant thing. and it's a great show.

AA1 D-IY0 AH0-N S-AH0-Z T-UW1 K-R-IY0 EY1-T DH-AH0 AE1-M B-IY0 AH0-N-S T-UW1 M-EY1-K DH-AH0 P-OW1-D K-AE2-S T-AH0 B-R-IH1 L-Y-AH0-N-T TH-IH1 NG-AH0-N D-IH1-T S-AH0 G-R-EY1-T SH-OW1


right. hello, everybody. [crosstalk 00:01:12].

R-AY1-T HH-AH0 L-OW1 EH1 V-R-IY0 B-AA2 D-IY0 K-R-AO1-S T-AO1-K Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0 Z-W-AH1-N M-IH1 N-AH0 T-AH0-N-D T-W-EH1-L-V S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z


wow, it was a yay rather than hello, but i'll take it. right.

W-AW1 IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AH0 Y-EY1 R-AE1 DH-ER0 DH-AE1-N HH-AH0 L-OW1 B-AH1 T-IH1-L T-EY1 K-IH1 T-R-AY1-T


my name is dave, and i'm your host. now what we do at stand-up tragedy is we invite people to come and stand up and do some tragedy.

M-AY1 N-EY1 M-IH1-Z D-EY1 V-AH0-N D-IH1 M-Y-AO1-R HH-OW1-S T-N-AW1 W-AH1 T-W-IY1 D-UW1 AE1-T-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 IH1 Z-W-IY1 IH1-N V-AY0-T P-IY1 P-AH0-L T-UW1 K-AH1 M-AH0-N-D-S T-AE1-N D-AH1 P-AH0-N-D D-UW1 S-AH1-M T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0


we talk to storytellers, spoken word, artists, comedians, and more. and asked them to come and do their stuff here.

W-IY1 T-AO1-K T-UW1-S T-AO1 R-IY0 T-EH2 L-ER0-Z-S P-OW1 K-AH0 N-W-ER1 D-AA1-R T-AH0-S-T-S K-AH0 M-IY1 D-IY0 AH0-N Z-AH0-N D-M-AO1 R-AH0-N D-AE1-S-K-T DH-EH1-M T-UW1 K-AH1 M-AH0-N-D D-UW1 DH-EH1-R-S T-AH1-F HH-IY1-R


now we don't know what they're going to do, so that's exciting. we're all in this-

N-AW1 W-IY1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 W-AH1-T TH-EH1-R G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 S-OW1 TH-AE1-T S-IH0-K S-AY1 T-IH0 NG-W-ER0 AO1 L-IH0-N DH-IH1-S


you can't plan for it. well, tonight we can plan for it.

Y-UW1 K-AE1-N-T P-L-AE1-N F-AO1 R-IH1 T-W-EH1-L T-AH0 N-AY1 T-W-IY1 K-AE1-N P-L-AE1-N F-AO1 R-IH1-T


it's happening here on this stage. so we're going to hear some tragedy here.

IH1-T-S HH-AE1 P-AH0 N-IH0-NG HH-IY1 R-AA1-N DH-IH1-S-S T-EY1-JH S-OW1 W-ER0 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 HH-IY1-R S-AH1-M T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 HH-IY1-R


we're broadcasting to an even bigger audience.

W-ER0 B-R-AO1-D K-AE2-S T-IH0-NG T-UW1 AE1 N-IY1 V-IH0-N B-IH1 G-ER0 AA1 D-IY0 AH0-N-S


so it's quite fun for performers to come here because even if there's no one here-

S-OW1 IH1-T-S K-W-AY1-T F-AH1-N F-AO1-R P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0-Z T-UW1 K-AH1-M HH-IY1-R B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IY1 V-IH0 N-IH1-F DH-EH1-R Z-N-OW1 W-AH1-N HH-IY1-R


and it's a tragic s of gigs that there could be, there is still a big audience there listening.

AH0-N D-IH1-T S-AH0 T-R-AE1 JH-IH0 K-EH1 S-AH1-V G-IH1-G-Z DH-AE1-T DH-EH1-R K-UH1-D B-IY1 DH-EH1 R-IH1-Z-S T-IH1 L-AH0 B-IH1 G-AA1 D-IY0 AH0-N-S DH-EH1-R L-IH1 S-AH0 N-IH0-NG


but it's good to have you live because you're going to see it.

B-AH1 T-IH1-T-S G-UH1-D T-UW1 HH-AE1 V-Y-UW1 L-AY1-V B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-Y-UH1-R G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 S-IY1 IH1-T


they won't get to see it. so that's their problem.

DH-EY1 W-OW1-N-T G-EH1-T T-UW1 S-IY1 IH1-T S-OW1 TH-AE1-T-S DH-EH1-R P-R-AA1 B-L-AH0-M


i like to slack them off in front of them. they can hear me now anyway.

AY1 L-AY1-K T-UW1 S-L-AE1-K DH-EH1 M-AO1 F-IH0-N F-R-AH1-N T-AH1-V DH-EH1-M DH-EY1 K-AE1-N HH-IY1-R M-IY1 N-AW1 EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2


we've got a really great lineup. so this is, i should say, before i go into this, this is the sad men section.

W-IY1-V G-AA1 T-AH0 R-IH1 L-IY0 G-R-EY1 T-L-AY1 N-AH2-P S-OW1 DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-AY1 SH-UH1-D S-EY1 B-IH0 F-AO1 R-AY1 G-OW1 IH0-N T-UW1 DH-IH1-S DH-IH1 S-IH1-Z DH-AH0 S-AE1 D-M-EH1-N S-EH1-K SH-AH0-N


it's not the most interesting, but it is the most informative. so yes, we've got lots of other shows happening at the fringe.

IH1-T S-N-AA1-T DH-AH0 M-OW1-S T-IH1-N T-R-AH0-S T-IH0-NG B-AH1 T-IH1 T-IH1-Z DH-AH0 M-OW1-S T-IH0-N F-AO1-R M-AH0 T-IH0-V S-OW1 Y-EH1 S-W-IY1-V G-AA1 T-L-AA1-T S-AH1 V-AH1 DH-ER0 SH-OW1-Z HH-AE1 P-AH0 N-IH0 NG-AE1-T DH-AH0 F-R-IH1-N-JH


we've got some special additions of stand-up tragedy, so make sure you get a flyer from us and have a look and see who else is performing. and if you go to our website www.standuptragedy.co.uk.

W-IY1-V G-AA1-T S-AH1-M-S P-EH1 SH-AH0 L-AH0 D-IH1 SH-AH0-N Z-AH1-V-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 S-OW1 M-EY1-K SH-UH1 R-Y-UW1 G-EH1 T-AH0 F-L-AY1 ER0 F-R-AH1 M-AH1 S-AH0-N-D HH-AE1 V-AH0 L-UH1 K-AH0-N-D S-IY1 HH-UW1 EH1-L S-IH1-Z P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-IH0 NG-AH0-N D-IH1 F-Y-UW1 G-OW1 T-UW1 AW1 ER0 W-EH1-B S-AY2 T-W-AW2-S T-AH0-N D-W-AH1-K T-IH0 NG-W-AH0


you can have a look through all the lineups that are coming up. so that's the shows we're doing here at 7:30.

Y-UW1 K-AE1-N HH-AE1 V-AH0 L-UH1-K TH-R-UW1 AO1-L DH-AH0 L-AY1 N-AH2-P-S DH-AE1 T-AA1-R K-AH1 M-IH0 NG-AH1-P S-OW1 TH-AE1-T-S DH-AH0 SH-OW1 Z-W-ER0 D-UW1 IH0-NG HH-IY1 R-AE1-T S-EH1 V-AH0-N TH-ER1 D-IY0


apart from on tuesdays where we have special recordings of another podcast i do call getting better acquainted. hello, everybody come in.

AH0 P-AA1-R-T F-R-AH1 M-AA1-N T-UW1-Z D-EY2 Z-W-EH1 R-W-IY1 HH-AE1-V-S P-EH1 SH-AH0-L R-IH0 K-AO1-R D-IH0-NG Z-AH1 V-AH0 N-AH1 DH-ER0 P-OW1-D K-AE2-S T-AY1 D-UW1 K-AO1-L G-EH1 T-IH0-NG B-EH1 T-ER0 AH0 K-W-EY1-N T-IH0-D HH-AH0 L-OW1 EH1 V-R-IY0 B-AA2 D-IY0 K-AH1 M-IH0-N


there's plenty of tragedy to go around. okay. so yes, the other show-

DH-EH1-R-Z P-L-EH1-N T-IY0 AH1-V T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 T-UW1 G-OW1 ER0 AW1-N D-OW2 K-EY1 S-OW1 Y-EH1-S DH-AH0 AH1 DH-ER0 SH-OW1


i do is happening in here on tuesdays instead of stand-up tragedy, getting better acquainted-

AY1 D-UW1 IH1-Z HH-AE1 P-AH0 N-IH0 NG-IH0-N HH-IY1 R-AA1-N T-UW1-Z D-EY2 Z-IH0-N-S T-EH1 D-AH1-V-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 G-EH1 T-IH0-NG B-EH1 T-ER0 AH0 K-W-EY1-N T-IH0-D


which is a conversation podcast, which today was mentioned in the financial times in the same breakfast as-

W-IH1 CH-IH1 Z-AH0 K-AA2-N V-ER0 S-EY1 SH-AH0-N P-OW1-D K-AE2-S T-W-IH1-CH T-AH0 D-EY1 W-AA1 Z-M-EH1-N SH-AH0-N D-IH0-N DH-AH0 F-AH0 N-AE1-N SH-AH0-L T-AY1-M Z-IH0-N DH-AH0 S-EY1-M B-R-EH1-K F-AH0-S T-AE1-Z


island distant wtf with mark marin, thus making all of my dreams come true.

AY1 L-AH0-N-D D-IH1-S T-AH0-N-T T-AH1 F-W-IH1 DH-M-AA1-R K-M-EH1 R-IH0-N DH-AH1 S-M-EY1 K-IH0 NG-AO1 L-AH1 V-M-AY1 D-R-IY1-M-Z K-AH1-M T-R-UW1


so, yes. so check that out on tuesdays-

S-OW1 Y-EH1-S S-OW1 CH-EH1-K DH-AE1 T-AW1 T-AA1-N T-UW1-Z D-EY2-Z


we've got coming up on saturday we got tragedy fails better with paula bojack.

W-IY1-V G-AA1-T K-AH1 M-IH0 NG-AH1 P-AA1-N S-AE1 T-ER0 D-IY0 W-IY1 G-AA1-T T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 F-EY1-L-Z B-EH1 T-ER0 W-IH1-DH P-AO1 L-AH0 B-OW1 Y-AE0-K


and dan simpson. and then on monday stand-up tragedy will be hosted by the amazing samantha mann.

AH0-N-D D-AE1-N S-IH1-M-P S-AH0 N-AH0-N-D DH-EH1 N-AA1-N M-AH1-N D-IY0-S T-AE1-N D-AH2-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 W-IH1-L B-IY1 HH-OW1-S T-IH0-D B-AY1 DH-AH0 AH0 M-EY1 Z-IH0-NG S-AH0 M-AE1-N TH-AH0 M-AE1-N


now, if you don't know what that name means, you should come because that name is the best host we're going to ever have on this stage, much better than me.

N-AW1 IH1 F-Y-UW1 D-AA1-N T-N-OW1 W-AH1-T DH-AE1 T-N-EY1-M M-IY1-N Z-Y-UW1 SH-UH1-D K-AH1-M B-IH0 K-AO1-Z DH-AE1 T-N-EY1 M-IH1-Z DH-AH0 B-EH1-S-T HH-OW1-S T-W-ER0 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 EH1 V-ER0 HH-AE1 V-AA1-N DH-IH1-S-S T-EY1 JH-M-AH1-CH B-EH1 T-ER0 DH-AE1-N M-IY1


number one, a couple of years ago i lost my job because of the cuts. and now i'm trying to struggle and make it as an artist and i haven't got any money.

N-AH1-M B-ER0 W-AH1 N-AH0 K-AH1 P-AH0 L-AH1 V-Y-IH1-R Z-AH0 G-OW1 AY1 L-AO1-S T-M-AY1 JH-AA1-B B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AH1-V DH-AH0 K-AH1-T S-AH0-N D-N-AW1 IH1-M T-R-AY1 IH0-NG T-UW1-S T-R-AH1 G-AH0 L-AH0-N D-M-EY1 K-IH1 T-AE1 Z-AE1 N-AA1-R T-AH0-S T-AH0-N D-AY1 HH-AE1 V-AH0-N-T G-AA1 T-EH1 N-IY0 M-AH1 N-IY0


so it's important to me and my partner who's in the room because we need to pay our rent. so that's a good reason.

S-OW1 IH1-T S-IH0-M P-AO1-R T-AH0-N-T T-UW1 M-IY1 AH0-N D-M-AY1 P-AA1-R T-N-ER0 HH-UW1 Z-IH0-N DH-AH0 R-UW1-M B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-W-IY1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 P-EY1 AW1 ER0 R-EH1-N-T S-OW1 TH-AE1-T S-AH0 G-UH1 D-R-IY1 Z-AH0-N


to more kind of bigger, wider, big society. one might even say reasons to give to the arts at the moment. it is-

T-UW1 M-AO1-R K-AY1-N D-AH1-V B-IH1 G-ER0 W-AY1 D-ER0 B-IH1-G S-AH0 S-AY1 AH0 T-IY0 W-AH1-N M-AY1 T-IY1 V-IH0-N S-EY1 R-IY1 Z-AH0-N-Z T-UW1 G-IH1-V T-UW1 DH-AH0 AA1-R-T S-AE1-T DH-AH0 M-OW1 M-AH0-N T-IH1 T-IH1-Z


there is a tragic time in our country in terms of the politics going on. and it's the time to give back, not in a big society way, which i mentioned earlier on because-

DH-EH1 R-IH1 Z-AH0 T-R-AE1 JH-IH0-K T-AY1 M-IH0 N-AW1 ER0 K-AH1-N T-R-IY0 IH0-N T-ER1-M Z-AH1-V DH-AH0 P-AA1 L-AH0 T-IH2-K-S G-OW1 IH0 NG-AA1 N-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S DH-AH0 T-AY1-M T-UW1 G-IH1-V B-AE1 K-N-AA1 T-IH0 N-AH0 B-IH1-G S-AH0 S-AY1 AH0 T-IY0 W-EY1 W-IH1 CH-AY1 M-EH1-N SH-AH0-N D-ER1 L-IY0 ER0 AA1-N B-IH0 K-AO1-Z


that's bullshit, but in a kind of giving to the arts is the best thing that you can do at this moment.

TH-AE1-T-S B-UH1-L SH-IH2-T B-AH1 T-IH0 N-AH0 K-AY1-N D-AH1-V G-IH1 V-IH0-NG T-UW1 DH-AH0 AA1-R-T S-IH1-Z DH-AH0 B-EH1-S-T TH-IH1-NG DH-AE1 T-Y-UW1 K-AE1-N D-UW1 AE1-T DH-IH1 S-M-OW1 M-AH0-N-T


so we can spread the tragedy and talk about the tragedy, talk about the stuff that's going on.

S-OW1 W-IY1 K-AE1-N-S P-R-EH1-D DH-AH0 T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 AH0-N-D T-AO1 K-AH0 B-AW1-T DH-AH0 T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 T-AO1 K-AH0 B-AW1-T DH-AH0-S T-AH1-F TH-AE1-T-S G-OW1 IH0 NG-AA1-N


so now the saddening sections being enjoyed very much, i can say. so, yes-

S-OW1 N-AW1 DH-AH0 S-AE1 D-AH0 N-IH0-NG S-EH1-K SH-AH0-N-Z B-IY1 IH0 NG-EH0-N JH-OY1-D V-EH1 R-IY0 M-AH1 CH-AY1 K-AE1-N S-EY1 S-OW1 Y-EH1-S


inwardly i was outraged. everyone was touching her-

IH1 N-W-ER0 D-L-IY0 AY1 W-AA1 Z-AW1 T-R-EY2-JH D-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2 N-W-AA1-Z T-AH1 CH-IH0-NG HH-ER0


i was a tiny bit relieved though, to hear that this was the transgression that had resulted in my sudden pariah status. i greened namely pulled back my hair and said-

AY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0 T-AY1 N-IY0 B-IH1 T-R-IH0 L-IY1-V-D DH-OW1 T-UW1 HH-IY1-R DH-AE1-T DH-IH1 S-W-AA1-Z DH-AH0 T-R-AE0-N-Z G-R-EH1 SH-AH0-N DH-AE1-T HH-AE1 D-R-IH0 Z-AH1-L T-IH0 D-IH0-N M-AY1 S-AH1 D-AH0-N P-ER0 AY1 AH0-S T-AE1 T-AH0 S-AY1 G-R-IY1-N D-N-EY1 M-L-IY0 P-UH1-L-D B-AE1 K-M-AY1 HH-EH1 R-AH0-N-D S-EH1-D


can i have your ears pierced? yeah, what are you? some kind of baby? i thought i'd finally seen the-

K-AE1 N-AY1 HH-AE1 V-Y-AO1 R-IH1-R-Z P-IH1-R-S T-Y-AE1 W-AH1 T-AA1 R-Y-UW1 S-AH1-M K-AY1-N D-AH1-V B-EY1 B-IY0 AY1 TH-AO1 T-IH1-D F-AY1 N-AH0 L-IY0 S-IY1-N DH-AH0


helping women everywhere to fight ridicule, overcome embarrassment and to boldly wear light colors during their periods. and actually ever since then-

HH-EH1-L P-IH0 NG-W-IH1 M-AH0 N-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-EH2-R T-UW1 F-AY1 T-R-IH1 D-AH0 K-Y-UW2 L-OW1 V-ER0 K-AH2 M-IH0-M B-EH1 R-AH0 S-M-AH0-N T-AH0-N-D T-UW1 B-OW1-L D-L-IY0 W-EH1-R L-AY1-T K-AH1 L-ER0-Z D-UH1 R-IH0-NG DH-EH1-R P-IH1 R-IY0 AH0-D Z-AH0-N D-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 EH1 V-ER0 S-IH1-N-S DH-EH1-N


i started using the word menstruator and not just woman. and i've created stains tm.

AY1-S T-AA1-R T-AH0 D-Y-UW1 Z-IH0-NG DH-AH0 W-ER1 D-M-EH1-N-S T-R-UW0 T-AO2 R-IY0 AH0-N D-N-AA1-T JH-AH1-S T-W-UH1 M-AH0 N-AH0-N D-AY1-V K-R-IY0 EY1 T-AH0-D-S T-EY1-N-Z T-IY1


a removable stain you can wear on your clothing as you see fit. a fashion statement that really says something. and that something is-

AH0 R-IH0 M-UW1 V-AH0 B-AH0-L-S T-EY1 N-Y-UW1 K-AE1 N-W-EH1 R-AA1 N-Y-AO1-R K-L-OW1 DH-IH0 NG-AE1 Z-Y-UW1 S-IY1 F-IH1 T-AH0 F-AE1 SH-AH0-N-S T-EY1 T-M-AH0-N-T DH-AE1 T-R-IH1 L-IY0 S-EH1-Z S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-AH0-N-D DH-AE1-T S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-IH1-Z


screw you madison avenue, i'm taking this one back. i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve and my blood on my pants.

S-K-R-UW1 Y-UW1 M-AE1 D-AH0 S-AH0 N-AE1 V-AH0 N-UW2 IH1-M T-EY1 K-IH0-NG DH-IH1 S-W-AH1-N B-AE1 K-IH1 M-W-EH1 R-IH0-NG M-AY1 HH-AA1-R T-AA1-N M-AY1 S-L-IY1 V-AH0-N D-M-AY1 B-L-AH1 D-AA1-N M-AY1 P-AE1-N-T-S


i'm going to reclaim the stain, reclaim my blood and reclaim my period.

IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 R-IY0 K-L-EY1-M DH-AH0-S T-EY1 N-R-IY0 K-L-EY1-M M-AY1 B-L-AH1 D-AH0-N D-R-IY0 K-L-EY1-M M-AY1 P-IH1 R-IY0 AH0-D


because people i am telling you, red is the new black.

B-IH0 K-AO1-Z P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AY1 AE1-M T-EH1 L-IH0 NG-Y-UW1 R-EH1 D-IH1-Z DH-AH0 N-UW1 B-L-AE1-K


instagram is the spoof sponsor of adventures and menstruating. so if you come to the show, you will get a free stain kindly provided by the ceo of stains tm, which is me chella quinn. thanks very much.

IH0-N-S T-EH1 G-R-AE2 M-IH1-Z DH-AH0-S P-UW1-F-S P-AA1-N S-ER0 AH1 V-AE0-D V-EH1-N CH-ER0 Z-AH0-N D-M-EH1-N-S T-R-UW0 T-EY2 B-IH0-NG S-OW1 IH1 F-Y-UW1 K-AH1-M T-UW1 DH-AH0 SH-OW1 Y-UW1 W-IH1-L G-EH1 T-AH0 F-R-IY1-S T-EY1-N K-AY1-N D-L-IY0 P-R-AH0 V-AY1 D-AH0-D B-AY1 DH-AH0 S-IY1 OW0 AH1-V-S T-EY1-N-Z T-IY1 W-IH1 CH-IH1 Z-M-IY1 CH-EH1 L-AH0 K-W-IH1-N TH-AE1-NG-K-S V-EH1 R-IY0 M-AH1-CH


for our next performer, she is doing a show called a date with destiny at 11:00 at the underbelly med quote, not on the 18th and-

F-AO1 R-AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 SH-IY1 IH1-Z D-UW1 IH0 NG-AH0 SH-OW1 K-AO1-L D-AH0 D-EY1 T-W-IH1-DH D-EH1-S T-AH0 N-IY0 AE1 T-IH0 L-EH1 V-AH0 N-AH0 K-L-AA1 K-AE1-T DH-AH0 AH1-N D-ER0 B-EH2 L-IY0 M-EH1-D K-W-OW1 T-N-AA1 T-AA1-N DH-AH0 EY0 T-IY1-N TH-AH0-N-D


hi. great. okay. so i'm going to start us off with one of my mantras. this is a mantra do to get myself through that difficult situations. hopefully you can use it to.

HH-AY1 G-R-EY1 T-OW2 K-EY1 S-OW1 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1-S T-AA1-R T-AH1 S-AO1 F-W-IH1 DH-W-AH1 N-AH1 V-M-AY1 M-AE1-N T-R-AH0-Z DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-AH0 M-AE1-N T-R-AH0 D-UW1 T-UW1 G-EH1 T-M-AY2 S-EH1-L-F TH-R-UW1 DH-AE1-T D-IH1 F-AH0 K-AH0-L-T S-IH2 CH-UW0 EY1 SH-AH0-N-Z HH-OW1-P F-AH0 L-IY0 Y-UW1 K-AE1 N-Y-UW1 Z-IH1-T T-UW1


worst case scenario. surely if the objective is to poll, the worst case scenario-

W-ER1-S-T K-EY1-S S-IH0 N-EH1 R-IY0 OW0 SH-UH1-R L-IY0 IH1-F DH-AH0 AH0-B JH-EH1-K T-IH0 V-IH1-Z T-UW1 P-OW1-L DH-AH0 W-ER1-S-T K-EY1-S S-IH0 N-EH1 R-IY0 OW0


that was all i was going to do for you, but i've realized i've actually got a little bit more time, right? so i'm going to do one of my other songs for you. so i was... and the thing is, this is a big part of my comedy show.

DH-AE1 T-W-AA1 Z-AO1 L-AY1 W-AA1-Z G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 F-AO1 R-Y-UW1 B-AH1 T-AY1 V-R-IY1 L-AY2-Z D-AY1 V-AE1-K CH-AH0 W-AH0 L-IY0 G-AA1 T-AH0 L-IH1 T-AH0-L B-IH1 T-M-AO1-R T-AY1 M-R-AY1-T S-OW1 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 W-AH1 N-AH1 V-M-AY1 AH1 DH-ER0 S-AO1-NG-Z F-AO1 R-Y-UW1 S-OW1 AY1 W-AA1 Z-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 TH-IH1 NG-IH1-Z DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-AH0 B-IH1-G P-AA1-R T-AH1 V-M-AY1 K-AA1 M-AH0 D-IY0 SH-OW1


these stories and i kind of decided to turn them into something useful and something powerful that i could then own. so i'm really inspired by... i'm so sorry-

DH-IY1-Z-S T-AO1 R-IY0 Z-AH0-N D-AY1 K-AY1-N D-AH1-V D-IH0 S-AY1 D-IH0-D T-UW1 T-ER1-N DH-EH1 M-IH0-N T-UW1 S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-Y-UW1-S F-AH0 L-AH0-N-D S-AH1-M TH-IH0-NG P-AW1 ER0 F-AH0-L DH-AE1 T-AY1 K-UH1-D DH-EH1 N-OW1-N S-OW1 IH1 M-R-IH1 L-IY0 IH0-N-S P-AY1 ER0-D B-AY1 IH1-M S-OW1 S-AA1 R-IY0


just on before me.chella. chella? i'm so inspired by her and just her absolute frank honesty in front of-

JH-AH1-S T-AA1-N B-IH0 F-AO1-R M-AH0 K-EH1 L-AH0 CH-EH1 L-AH0 IH1-M S-OW1 IH0-N-S P-AY1 ER0-D B-AY1 HH-ER0 AH0-N-D JH-AH1-S-T HH-ER0 AE1-B S-AH0 L-UW2-T F-R-AE1-NG K-AA1 N-AH0-S T-IY0 IH0-N F-R-AH1-N T-AH1-V


there we go. i mean, that's why i do a tragedy show because i take puns and i ruined them and do the original version of them. so, yes.

DH-EH1 R-W-IY1 G-OW1 AY1 M-IY1-N TH-AE1-T S-W-AY1 AY1 D-UW1 AH0 T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 SH-OW1 B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 T-EY1-K P-AH1-N Z-AH0-N D-AY1 R-UW1 AH0-N-D DH-EH1 M-AH0-N-D D-UW1 DH-AH0 ER0 IH1 JH-AH0 N-AH0-L V-ER1 ZH-AH0 N-AH1-V DH-EH1-M S-OW1 Y-EH1-S


so our next performer is performing immigrant diaries at 10:00 at the assembly rooms, not on the 19th. put your hands together-

S-OW1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 IH1-Z P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-IH0 NG-IH1 M-AH0 G-R-AH0-N-T D-AY1 ER0 IY0 Z-AE1-T T-EH1 N-AH0 K-L-AA1 K-AE1-T DH-AH0 AH0 S-EH1-M B-L-IY0 R-UW1-M Z-N-AA1 T-AA1-N DH-AH0 N-AY1-N T-IY1-N-TH P-UH1 T-Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D-Z T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0


i have noticed i kind of host like pretty quiet then wrestling.

AY1 HH-AE1 V-N-OW1 T-AH0-S T-AY1 K-AY1-N D-AH1-V HH-OW1-S T-L-AY1-K P-R-IH1 T-IY0 K-W-AY1 AH0-T DH-EH1 N-R-EH1 S-L-IH0-NG


hey, what the hell is that? check that mommy is a chocolate man.

HH-EY1 W-AH1-T DH-AH0 HH-EH1 L-IH1-Z DH-AE1-T CH-EH1-K DH-AE1 T-M-AA1 M-IY0 IH1 Z-AH0 CH-AO1 K-L-AH0 T-M-AE1-N


[inaudible 00:07:36]. so straight away i'm going in front of the class-

IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z S-EH1 V-AH0-N M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 S-IH1-K-S S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z S-OW1-S T-R-EY1 T-AH0 W-EY1 AY1 AE1-M G-OW1 IH0 NG-IH0-N F-R-AH1-N T-AH1-V DH-AH0 K-L-AE1-S


this [inaudible 00:07:41] and i'm playing the xylophone and remember-

DH-IH1 S-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z S-EH1 V-AH0-N M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D F-AO1-R T-IY0 W-AH1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N D-AH0-N D-AY1 AE1-M P-L-EY1 IH0-NG DH-AH0 Z-AY1 L-AH0 F-OW2 N-AH0-N D-R-IH0 M-EH1-M B-ER0


the first day of class i'm the first asian in the school. and the school decided to play a wee xylophone tune.

DH-AH0 F-ER1-S-T D-EY1 AH1-V K-L-AE1 S-IH1-M DH-AH0 F-ER1-S T-EY1 ZH-AH0 N-IH0-N DH-AH0-S K-UW1 L-AH0-N-D DH-AH0-S K-UW1-L D-IH0 S-AY1 D-IH0-D T-UW1 P-L-EY1 AH0 W-IY1 Z-AY1 L-AH0 F-OW2-N T-UW1-N


and unfortunately it was to the tune of the number one hit of the week. boney m there's a brown girl in the ring.

AH0-N D-AH0-N F-AO1-R CH-AH0 N-AH0 T-L-IY0 IH1 T-W-AA1-Z T-UW1 DH-AH0 T-UW1 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 N-AH1-M B-ER0 W-AH1-N HH-IH1 T-AH1-V DH-AH0 W-IY1-K B-OW1 N-IY0 EH1-M DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 B-R-AW1-N G-ER1 L-IH0-N DH-AH0 R-IH1-NG


so unfortunately, as i'm playing xylophone the whole class is singing, "there's a brown boy in the class tra-

S-OW1 AH0-N F-AO1-R CH-AH0 N-AH0 T-L-IY0 AE1 Z-IH1-M P-L-EY1 IH0-NG Z-AY1 L-AH0 F-OW2-N DH-AH0 HH-OW1-L K-L-AE1 S-IH1-Z S-IH1 NG-IH0-NG DH-EH1-R Z-AH0 B-R-AW1-N B-OY1 IH0-N DH-AH0 K-L-AE1-S T-R-AA1


there's always so many stupid nerd in the class and i had jason wiley.

DH-EH1-R Z-AO1 L-W-EY2-Z S-OW1 M-EH1 N-IY0-S T-UW1 P-AH0 D-N-ER1 D-IH0-N DH-AH0 K-L-AE1 S-AH0-N D-AY1 HH-AE1-D JH-EY1 S-AH0 N-W-AY1 L-IY0


and he was like an inbred guy for musical braid with cross eyes he goes, "hey, pardon me-

AH0-N-D HH-IY1 W-AA1 Z-L-AY1 K-AE1 N-IH1-N B-R-EH2-D G-AY1 F-AO1-R M-Y-UW1 Z-IH0 K-AH0-L B-R-EY1 D-W-IH1-DH K-R-AO1 S-AY1-Z HH-IY1 G-OW1-Z HH-EY1 P-AA1-R D-AH0-N M-IY1


so you're a chocolate man." hey? are you a protestant or are you a catholic?

S-OW1 Y-UH1 R-AH0 CH-AO1 K-L-AH0 T-M-AE1-N HH-EY1 AA1 R-Y-UW1 AH0 P-R-AA1 T-AH0-S T-AH0-N T-AO1 R-AA1 R-Y-UW1 AH0 K-AE1 TH-L-IH0-K


and i said, "well, jason, because i was still english-

AH0-N D-AY1 S-EH1 D-W-EH1-L JH-EY1 S-AH0-N B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-AY1 W-AA1-Z-S T-IH1 L-IH1-NG G-L-IH0-SH


i think i'm a sikh. and jason goes-

AY1 TH-IH1-NG K-IH1 M-AH0 S-IY1 K-AH0-N-D JH-EY1 S-AH0-N G-OW1-Z


it's a place in glasgow will you please spot the white man.

IH1-T S-AH0 P-L-EY1 S-IH0-N G-L-AE1-S K-OW2 W-IH1 L-Y-UW1 P-L-IY1-Z-S P-AA1-T DH-AH0 W-AY1 T-M-AE1-N


there was hardly any white people there so maybe probably [inaudible 00:08:39]. and it's like i've seen that planet-

DH-EH1 R-W-AA1-Z HH-AA1-R D-L-IY0 EH1 N-IY0 W-AY1-T P-IY1 P-AH0-L DH-EH1-R S-OW1 M-EY1 B-IY0 P-R-AA1 B-AH0 B-L-IY0 IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0 Z-EY1 T-M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 N-AY1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-AH0-N D-IH1-T S-L-AY1 K-AY1-V S-IY1-N DH-AE1-T P-L-AE1 N-AH0-T


they were going to rename it pakistan. it was not good or bad, but i went to school and school was fantastic because it was an eclectic mix of people at school.

DH-EY1 W-ER0 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 R-IY0 N-EY1 M-IH1-T P-AE1 K-IH0-S T-AE2 N-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-N-AA1-T G-UH1 D-AO1-R B-AE1-D B-AH1 T-AY1 W-EH1-N-T T-UW1-S K-UW1 L-AH0-N-D-S K-UW1 L-W-AA1-Z F-AE0-N T-AE1-S T-IH0-K B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AE1 N-IH0 K-L-EH1-K T-IH0 K-M-IH1-K S-AH1-V P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AE1-T-S K-UW1-L


there was white people and it was good immigration in those days you know? not like the immigration today, but what we used to have was gang fights.

DH-EH1 R-W-AA1 Z-W-AY1-T P-IY1 P-AH0 L-AH0-N D-IH1 T-W-AA1-Z G-UH1 D-IH2 M-AH0 G-R-EY1 SH-AH0 N-IH0-N DH-OW1-Z D-EY1 Z-Y-UW1 N-OW1 N-AA1 T-L-AY1-K DH-AH0 IH2 M-AH0 G-R-EY1 SH-AH0-N T-AH0 D-EY1 B-AH1 T-W-AH1 T-W-IY1 Y-UW1-S-T T-UW1 HH-AE1 V-W-AA1-Z G-AE1-NG F-AY1-T-S


you know we used to have gang fights and the gang fights the chinese would get together-

Y-UW1 N-OW1 W-IY1 Y-UW1-S-T T-UW1 HH-AE1-V G-AE1-NG F-AY1-T S-AH0-N-D DH-AH0 G-AE1-NG F-AY1-T-S DH-AH0 CH-AY0 N-IY1 Z-W-UH1-D G-EH1-T T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0


the asians would get together and the two afro-caribbean would get together there in the school. and gang warfare was brilliant because when we were fighting-

DH-AH0 EY1 ZH-AH0-N Z-W-UH1-D G-EH1-T T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 AH0-N-D DH-AH0 T-UW1 AE2 F-R-AH0 K-EH1 R-IY0 B-AE2 N-IY0 W-UH1-D G-EH1-T T-AH0 G-EH1 DH-ER0 DH-EH1 R-IH0-N DH-AH0-S K-UW1 L-AH0-N-D G-AE1 NG-W-AO1-R F-EH2 R-W-AA1-Z B-R-IH1 L-Y-AH0-N-T B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-W-EH1 N-W-IY1 W-ER0 F-AY1 T-IH0-NG


it was like a scene out of power rangers. everyone did the moves, but there was no physical contact.

IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-L-AY1 K-AH0 S-IY1 N-AW1 T-AH1-V P-AW1 ER0 R-EY1-N JH-ER0 Z-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2-N D-IH1-D DH-AH0 M-UW1-V-Z B-AH1-T DH-EH1 R-W-AA1 Z-N-OW1 F-IH1 Z-IH0 K-AH0-L K-AA1-N T-AE2-K-T


you hear spiderman hits the floor.

Y-UW1 HH-IY1-R-S P-AY1 D-ER0 M-AE0-N HH-IH1-T-S DH-AH0 F-L-AO1-R


but anyway. so i had a great experience when i was growing up in [inaudible 00:09:33] because-

B-AH1 T-EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2 S-OW1 AY1 HH-AE1 D-AH0 G-R-EY1 T-IH0-K-S P-IH1 R-IY0 AH0-N S-W-EH1 N-AY1 W-AA1-Z G-R-OW1 IH0 NG-AH1 P-IH0 N-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0 Z-N-AY1-N M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 TH-R-IY1 S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z B-IH0 K-AO1-Z


it gave me the opportunity to sort of mix in with the crowd.

IH1-T G-EY1 V-M-IY1 DH-AH0 AA2 P-ER0 T-UW1 N-AH0 T-IY0 T-UW1 S-AO1-R T-AH1 V-M-IH1-K S-IH0 N-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 K-R-AW1-D


my mom, in order for me to get an identity sent me to the best place in glasgow.

M-AY1 M-AA1 M-IH0 N-AO1-R D-ER0 F-AO1-R M-IY1 T-UW1 G-EH1 T-AE1 N-AY0 D-EH1-N T-AH0 T-IY0 S-EH1-N T-M-IY1 T-UW1 DH-AH0 B-EH1-S-T P-L-EY1 S-IH0-N G-L-AE1-S K-OW2


the glasgow art center. does anybody know the glasgow art center?

DH-AH0 G-L-AE1-S K-OW2 AA1-R-T S-EH1-N T-ER0 D-AH1 Z-EH1 N-IY0 B-AH0 D-IY0 N-OW1 DH-AH0 G-L-AE1-S K-OW2 AA1-R-T S-EH1-N T-ER0


the glasgow art center was a fantastic place of just asian arts, chinese arts.

DH-AH0 G-L-AE1-S K-OW2 AA1-R-T S-EH1-N T-ER0 W-AA1 Z-AH0 F-AE0-N T-AE1-S T-IH0-K P-L-EY1 S-AH1-V JH-AH1-S T-EY1 ZH-AH0 N-AA1-R-T-S CH-AY0 N-IY1 Z-AA1-R-T-S


fantastic. and we learnt bhangra. now does anybody know what bhangra music is? bhangra music is the best-

F-AE0-N T-AE1-S T-IH0 K-AH0-N D-W-IY1 L-ER1-N-T B-AA1-NG G-R-AH0 N-AW1 D-AH1 Z-EH1 N-IY0 B-AH0 D-IY0 N-OW1 W-AH1-T B-AA1-NG G-R-AH0 M-Y-UW1 Z-IH0 K-IH1-Z B-AA1-NG G-R-AH0 M-Y-UW1 Z-IH0 K-IH1-Z DH-AH0 B-EH1-S-T


... indian folk music. it's a very gay dance. it's one of these dances that when we started doing bhangra.

IH1-N D-IY0 AH0-N F-OW1 K-M-Y-UW1 Z-IH0 K-IH1-T S-AH0 V-EH1 R-IY0 G-EY1 D-AE1-N S-IH1-T S-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-IY1-Z D-AE1-N S-AH0-Z DH-AE1 T-W-EH1 N-W-IY1-S T-AA1-R T-AH0-D D-UW1 IH0-NG B-AA1-NG G-R-AH0


we didn't want to do it because it was extremely gay, but we carried on doing it. and tonight-

W-IY1 D-IH1 D-AH0-N T-W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 D-UW1 IH1-T B-IH0 K-AO1 Z-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-IH0-K-S T-R-IY1 M-L-IY0 G-EY1 B-AH1 T-W-IY1 K-AE1 R-IY0 D-AA1-N D-UW1 IH0 NG-IH1 T-AH0-N-D T-AH0 N-AY1-T


how many fucking restaurants do you work in?

HH-AW1 M-EH1 N-IY0 F-AH1 K-IH0 NG-R-EH1-S T-ER0 AA2-N-T-S D-UW1 Y-UW1 W-ER1 K-IH0-N


so our last performer of today is she's doing-

S-OW1 AW1 ER0 L-AE1-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 AH1-V T-AH0 D-EY1 IH1-Z SH-EH1-S D-UW1 IH0-NG


... a devil's doorbell at [inaudible 00:00:39] at the mash house at five o'clock.

AH0 D-EH1 V-AH0-L-Z D-AO1-R B-EH2 L-AE1 T-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z Z-IH1 R-OW0 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 N-AY1-N S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-AE1-T DH-AH0 M-AE1-SH HH-AW1 S-AE1-T F-AY1 V-AH0 K-L-AA1-K


thank you. nobody does try to do better than me.

TH-AE1-NG K-Y-UW1 N-OW1 B-AA2 D-IY2 D-AH1-Z T-R-AY1 T-UW1 D-UW1 B-EH1 T-ER0 DH-AE1-N M-IY1


so i used to be rather ignorant and when they talk about things like collateral damage-

S-OW1 AY1 Y-UW1-Z-D T-UW1 B-IY1 R-AE1 DH-ER0 IH1 G-N-ER0 AH0-N T-AH0-N D-W-EH1-N DH-EY1 T-AO1 K-AH0 B-AW1-T TH-IH1-NG Z-L-AY1-K K-AH0 L-AE1 T-ER0 AH0-L D-AE1 M-AH0-JH


... then i realized, collateral damage is the baby found suckling on its dead mother.

DH-EH1 N-AY1 R-IY1 L-AY2-Z-D K-AH0 L-AE1 T-ER0 AH0-L D-AE1 M-AH0 JH-IH1-Z DH-AH0 B-EY1 B-IY0 F-AW1-N-D S-AH1 K-L-IH0 NG-AA1 N-IH1-T-S D-EH1 D-M-AH1 DH-ER0


and that baby happened to be my father.

AH0-N-D DH-AE1-T B-EY1 B-IY0 HH-AE1 P-AH0-N-D T-UW1 B-IY1 M-AY1 F-AA1 DH-ER0


on the 18th of january of last year, i was hanging out with my friends, chilling out, having a great old time. and then my father had to ruin it for me by dying.

AA1-N DH-AH0 EY0 T-IY1-N TH-AH1-V JH-AE1 N-Y-UW0 EH2 R-IY0 AH1 V-L-AE1-S T-Y-IH1 R-AY1 W-AA1-Z HH-AE1 NG-IH0 NG-AW1 T-W-IH1 DH-M-AY1 F-R-EH1-N-D-Z CH-IH1 L-IH0 NG-AW1-T HH-AE1 V-IH0 NG-AH0 G-R-EY1 T-OW1-L-D T-AY1 M-AH0-N-D DH-EH1-N M-AY1 F-AA1 DH-ER0 HH-AE1-D T-UW1 R-UW1 AH0 N-IH1-T F-AO1-R M-IY1 B-AY1 D-AY1 IH0-NG


so i got to his funeral in kenya, [inaudible 00:01:20]. i get to his funeral in-

S-OW1 AY1 G-AA1-T T-UW1 HH-IH1-Z F-Y-UW1 N-ER0 AH0 L-IH0-N K-EH1 N-Y-AH0 IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0 Z-W-AH1-N M-IH1 N-AH0 T-AH0-N-D T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-AY1 G-EH1-T T-UW1 HH-IH1-Z F-Y-UW1 N-ER0 AH0 L-IH0-N


... kenya. someone said something about the funeral that got me onto the path that i find myself in today.

K-EH1 N-Y-AH0 S-AH1 M-W-AH2-N S-EH1-D S-AH1-M TH-IH0 NG-AH0 B-AW1-T DH-AH0 F-Y-UW1 N-ER0 AH0-L DH-AE1-T G-AA1 T-M-IY1 AA1-N T-UW0 DH-AH0 P-AE1-TH DH-AE1 T-AY1 F-AY1-N D-M-AY2 S-EH1-L F-IH0-N T-AH0 D-EY1


so consider this. the year is 1885.

S-OW1 K-AH0-N S-IH1 D-ER0 DH-IH1-S DH-AH0 Y-IH1 R-IH1 Z-EY0 T-IY1 N-EY1 T-IY0 F-AY1-V


berlin. a few aristocratic men are gathered around the table discussing the burning issues of the day.

B-ER0 L-IH1 N-AH0 F-Y-UW1 ER0 IH2-S T-AH0 K-R-AE1 T-IH0 K-M-EH1 N-AA1-R G-AE1 DH-ER0 D-ER0 AW1-N-D DH-AH0 T-EY1 B-AH0-L D-IH0-S K-AH1 S-IH0-NG DH-AH0 B-ER1 N-IH0 NG-IH1 SH-UW0 Z-AH1-V DH-AH0 D-EY1


no, not european women's voting rights or the prevalence of gout amongst the privileged.

N-OW1 N-AA1 T-Y-UH2 R-AH0 P-IY1 AH0 N-W-IH1 M-AH0-N-Z V-OW1 T-IH0 NG-R-AY1-T S-AO1-R DH-AH0 P-R-EH1 V-AH0 L-AH0-N S-AH1-V G-AW1 T-AH0 M-AH1-NG-S-T DH-AH0 P-R-IH1 V-L-AH0-JH-D


thank you. never.


i'm your host. now what we do at stand up tragedy, is we invite-

IH1 M-Y-AO1-R HH-OW1-S T-N-AW1 W-AH1 T-W-IY1 D-UW1 AE1-T-S T-AE1-N D-AH1-P T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0 IH1 Z-W-IY1 IH2-N V-AY1-T


and my, like dave was saying, my show that i brought to edinborough this year is it's called-

AH0-N D-M-AY1 L-AY1-K D-EY1 V-W-AA1-Z S-EY1 IH0-NG M-AY1 SH-OW1 DH-AE1 T-AY1 B-R-AO1-T T-UW1 EH1 D-AH0-N B-R-UW2 DH-IH1 S-Y-IH1 R-IH1 Z-IH1-T-S K-AO1-L-D


it's at an inner city secondary school, a quite interesting education. and it's kind of tying in with the theme, of tragedy-

IH1-T S-AE1 T-AE1 N-IH1 N-ER0 S-IH1 T-IY0 S-EH1 K-AH0-N D-EH2 R-IY0-S K-UW1 L-AH0 K-W-AY1 T-IH1-N T-R-AH0-S T-IH0 NG-EH2 JH-AH0 K-EY1 SH-AH0 N-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S K-AY1-N D-AH1-V T-AY1 IH0 NG-IH0 N-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 TH-IY1 M-AH1-V T-R-AE1 JH-AH0 D-IY0


our current education secretary, nicky morgan, has this rhetoric that she trips out quite a lot about the idea of gts-

AW1 ER0 K-ER1 AH0-N T-EH2 JH-AH0 K-EY1 SH-AH0-N S-EH1 K-R-AH0 T-EH2 R-IY0 N-IH1 K-IY0 M-AO1-R G-AH0-N HH-AE1-Z DH-IH1 S-R-EH1 T-ER0 IH0-K DH-AE1-T SH-IY1 T-R-IH1-P S-AW1-T K-W-AY1 T-AH0 L-AA1 T-AH0 B-AW1-T DH-AH0 AY0 D-IY1 AH0 AH1-V-JH T-AH1-Z


she says that if you are 15 years old and you choose to study an arts and humanities.

SH-IY1 S-EH1-Z DH-AE1 T-IH1 F-Y-UW1 AA1-R F-IH0-F T-IY1 N-Y-IH1-R Z-OW1-L D-AH0-N D-Y-UW1 CH-UW1-Z T-UW1-S T-AH1 D-IY0 AE1 N-AA1-R-T S-AH0-N-D HH-Y-UW0 M-AE1 N-IH0 T-IY0-Z


... and i think that, without wanting to be melodramatic about it, to say that sort of thing to a 14 year old who just-

AH0-N D-AY1 TH-IH1-NG-K DH-AE1 T-W-IH0 TH-AW1 T-W-AA1-N T-IH0-NG T-UW1 B-IY1 M-EH2 L-AH0 D-R-AH0 M-AE1 T-IH0 K-AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1-T T-UW1 S-EY1 DH-AE1-T S-AO1-R T-AH1-V TH-IH1-NG T-UW1 AH0 F-AO1-R T-IY1 N-Y-IH1 R-OW1-L-D HH-UW1 JH-AH1-S-T


... because she likes music is really mean and really cruel.

B-IH0 K-AO1-Z SH-IY1 L-AY1-K S-M-Y-UW1 Z-IH0 K-IH1 Z-R-IH1 L-IY0 M-IY1 N-AH0-N D-R-IH1 L-IY0 K-R-UW1 AH0-L


and so i wrote a poem about it and it's called held back by nikki morgan.

AH0-N-D S-OW1 AY1 R-OW1 T-AH0 P-OW1 AH0 M-AH0 B-AW1 T-IH1 T-AH0-N D-IH1-T-S K-AO1-L-D HH-EH1-L-D B-AE1-K B-AY1 N-IH1 K-IY0 M-AO1-R G-AH0-N


don't tell the 14 year old with a form to fill in. if you love what you do, there was ever any reason.

D-AA1-N-T T-EH1-L DH-AH0 F-AO1-R T-IY1 N-Y-IH1 R-OW1-L D-W-IH1 DH-AH0 F-AO1-R-M T-UW1 F-IH1 L-IH0 N-IH1 F-Y-UW1 L-AH1 V-W-AH1 T-Y-UW1 D-UW1 DH-EH1 R-W-AA1 Z-EH1 V-ER0 EH1 N-IY0 R-IY1 Z-AH0-N


so i'm going to just do one more piece. i forgot that when dave asked me to do this gig, i promised to bring my whole band along.

S-OW1 IH1-M G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 JH-AH1-S-T D-UW1 W-AH1-N M-AO1-R P-IY1 S-AY1 F-ER0 G-AA1-T DH-AE1 T-W-EH1-N D-EY1 V-AE1-S-K T-M-IY1 T-UW1 D-UW1 DH-IH1-S G-IH1 G-AY1 P-R-AA1 M-AH0-S-T T-UW1 B-R-IH1-NG M-AY1 HH-OW1-L B-AE1-N D-AH0 L-AO1-NG


and i just remembered now, and luckily scott, who is my guitarist, did have his guitar. so we're going to do a stripped back version of one of the pieces from the show.

AH0-N D-AY1 JH-AH1-S T-R-IH0 M-EH1-M B-ER0 D-N-AW1 AH0-N D-L-AH1 K-AH0 L-IY0-S K-AA1-T HH-UW1 IH1 Z-M-AY1 G-IH2 T-AA1 R-AH0-S-T D-IH1-D HH-AE1-V HH-IH1-Z G-IH0 T-AA1-R S-OW1 W-ER0 G-OW1 IH0-NG T-UW1 D-UW1 AH0-S T-R-IH1-P-T B-AE1-K V-ER1 ZH-AH0 N-AH1 V-W-AH1 N-AH1-V DH-AH0 P-IY1 S-AH0-Z F-R-AH1-M DH-AH0 SH-OW1


yeah. some of them do. and that's why we chip away-

Y-AE1 S-AH1 M-AH1-V DH-EH1-M D-UW1 AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T S-W-AY1 W-IY1 CH-IH1 P-AH0 W-EY1


and that's always good. so our next performer is-

AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T S-AO1 L-W-EY2-Z G-UH1-D S-OW1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 IH1-Z


... doing leopard [inaudible 00:03:36]. thanks for-

D-UW1 IH0 NG-L-EH1 P-ER0 D-IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z TH-R-IY1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D TH-ER1 D-IY0 S-IH1-K-S S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D-Z TH-AE1-NG-K-S F-AO1-R


... that at 4:45 at the globe-

DH-AE1 T-AE1-T F-AO1-R F-AO1-R T-IY0 F-AY1 V-AE1-T DH-AH0 G-L-OW1-B


i saw it the other day and it was a really, really funny-

AY1 S-AO1 IH1-T DH-AH0 AH1 DH-ER0 D-EY1 AH0-N D-IH1 T-W-AA1 Z-AH0 R-IH1 L-IY0 R-IH1 L-IY0 F-AH1 N-IY0


right. good. this is a good way of introducing people, right?

R-AY1-T G-UH1-D DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-AH0 G-UH1 D-W-EY1 AH1 V-IH2-N T-R-AH0 D-UW1 S-IH0-NG P-IY1 P-AH0-L R-AY1-T


in the arms of margaret thatcher [inaudible 00:03:56]. it was the most powerfully unerotic site i had ever-

IH0-N DH-AH0 AA1-R-M Z-AH1 V-M-AA1-R G-ER0 IH0-T TH-AE1 CH-ER0 IH0 N-AO1 D-AH0 B-AH0-L Z-IH1 R-OW0 AW1 ER0-Z TH-R-IY1 M-IH1 N-AH0-T S-AH0-N-D F-IH1-F T-IY0 S-IH1-K-S S-EH1 K-AH0-N-D Z-IH1 T-W-AA1-Z DH-AH0 M-OW1-S-T P-AW1 ER0 F-L-IY0 AH2 N-ER0 R-OW1 T-IH0-K S-AY1 T-AY1 HH-AE1 D-EH1 V-ER0


... show could ollie and susie's new year's shindig and that's on at 4:30 at the south sider from the 9th to the 29th of august. she's really good. she's a comedian-

SH-OW1 K-UH1 D-AA1 L-IY0 AH0-N-D S-UW1 Z-IY0 Z-N-UW1 Y-IH1-R-Z SH-IH1-N D-IH0 G-AH0-N-D TH-AE1-T S-AA1 N-AE1-T F-AO1-R TH-ER1 D-IY0 AE1-T DH-AH0 S-AW1-TH S-AY1 D-ER0 F-R-AH1-M DH-AH0 N-AY1-N-TH T-UW1 DH-AH0 T-W-EH1-N T-IY0 N-AY1-N TH-AH1 V-AA1 G-AH0-S-T SH-EH1 S-R-IH1 L-IY0 G-UH1-D SH-EH1 S-AH0 K-AH0 M-IY1 D-IY0 AH0-N


yes. wow. our next performer is also arriving on... this is like an exciting, exciting night where everyone is like arriving just before their set, which is-

Y-EH1 S-W-AW1 AW1 ER0 N-EH1-K-S-T P-ER0 F-AO1-R M-ER0 IH1 Z-AO1-L S-OW0 ER0 AY1 V-IH0 NG-AA1-N DH-IH1 S-IH1 Z-L-AY1 K-AE1 N-IH0-K S-AY1 T-IH0 NG-IH0-K S-AY1 T-IH0-NG N-AY1 T-W-EH1 R-EH1 V-R-IY0 W-AH2 N-IH1 Z-L-AY1 K-ER0 AY1 V-IH0-NG JH-AH1-S-T B-IH0 F-AO1-R DH-EH1-R S-EH1 T-W-IH1 CH-IH1-Z


and i just wave my arms around a bit.

AH0-N D-AY1 JH-AH1-S T-W-EY1 V-M-AY1 AA1-R-M Z-ER0 AW1-N D-AH0 B-IH1-T


i can't see your hands at all.

AY1 K-AE1-N-T S-IY1 Y-AO1-R HH-AE1-N-D Z-AE1 T-AO1-L


who here's got sibling? who here's had to share a room with the bastard?

HH-UW1 HH-IH1-R-Z G-AA1-T S-IH1 B-L-IH0-NG HH-UW1 HH-IH1-R-Z HH-AE1-D T-UW1 SH-EH1 R-AH0 R-UW1 M-W-IH1-DH DH-AH0 B-AE1-S T-ER0-D


cool. masking tape marks the boundary.

K-UW1-L M-AE1-S K-IH0-NG T-EY1 P-M-AA1-R-K-S DH-AH0 B-AW1-N D-ER0 IY0


yellowed cream on brown carpet. i decorated it with felt tips.

Y-EH1 L-OW0-D K-R-IY1 M-AA1-N B-R-AW1-N K-AA1-R P-AH0 T-AY1 D-EH1 K-ER0 EY2 T-AH0 D-IH1 T-W-IH1-DH F-EH1-L-T T-IH1-P-S


this line drawers the battle lines.

DH-IH1 S-L-AY1-N D-R-AO1-R-Z DH-AH0 B-AE1 T-AH0-L L-AY1-N-Z


this line you will not cross. this line-

DH-IH1 S-L-AY1 N-Y-UW1 W-IH1-L N-AA1-T K-R-AO1-S DH-IH1 S-L-AY1-N


... i will defend with fists and feet, claws and teeth.

AY1 W-IH1-L D-IH0 F-EH1-N D-W-IH1-DH F-IH1-S-T S-AH0-N-D F-IY1-T K-L-AO1 Z-AH0-N-D T-IY1-TH


the rest of the room, demilitarized, legos strewn, is larger still.

DH-AH0 R-EH1-S T-AH1-V DH-AH0 R-UW1-M D-IY0 M-IH1 L-AH0 T-ER0 AY2-Z D-L-EY1 G-OW0-S-S T-R-UW1 N-IH1 Z-L-AA1-R JH-ER0-S T-IH1-L


i've left you all that. i'm being the reasonable one. and if you step over my line, i will kill-

AY1 V-L-EH1-F T-Y-UW1 AO1-L DH-AE1 T-IH1-M B-IY1 IH0-NG DH-AH0 R-IY1 Z-AH0 N-AH0 B-AH0 L-W-AH1 N-AH0-N D-IH1 F-Y-UW1-S T-EH1 P-OW1 V-ER0 M-AY1 L-AY1 N-AY1 W-IH1-L K-IH1-L


... you. when we fight.


i want. if i was strong enough-

AY1 W-AA1-N T-IH1 F-AY1 W-AA1-Z-S T-R-AO1 NG-IH0 N-AH1-F


... i would tear out hair and scalp, bit out chunks of flesh. i would hobble you.

AY1 W-UH1-D T-EH1 R-AW1-T HH-EH1 R-AH0-N-D-S K-AE1-L-P B-IH1 T-AW1-T CH-AH1-NG-K S-AH1-V F-L-EH1 SH-AY1 W-UH1-D HH-AA1 B-AH0 L-Y-UW1


if i was strong enough, you'd finally see i am one to be feared.

IH1 F-AY1 W-AA1-Z-S T-R-AO1 NG-IH0 N-AH1 F-Y-AH1-D F-AY1 N-AH0 L-IY0 S-IY1 AY1 AE1 M-W-AH1-N T-UW1 B-IY1 F-IH1-R-D


but my only thought every time is frustration.

B-AH1 T-M-AY1 OW1 N-L-IY0 TH-AO1 T-EH1 V-ER0 IY0 T-AY1 M-IH1-Z F-R-AH0-S T-R-EY1 SH-AH0-N


i am plastic safety scissors when i want to be a sword.

AY1 AE1-M P-L-AE1-S T-IH0-K S-EY1-F T-IY0 S-IH1 Z-ER0 Z-W-EH1 N-AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0 S-AO1-R-D


i am a plastic safety scissors when i want to be a sword.

AY1 AE1 M-AH0 P-L-AE1-S T-IH0-K S-EY1-F T-IY0 S-IH1 Z-ER0 Z-W-EH1 N-AY1 W-AA1-N-T T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0 S-AO1-R-D


i need to be, i need to be, i need to be a sword.

AY1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 B-IY1 AY1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 B-IY1 AY1 N-IY1-D T-UW1 B-IY1 AH0 S-AO1-R-D


if i were loud enough, i would shout you-

IH1 F-AY1 W-ER0 L-AW1 D-IH0 N-AH1 F-AY1 W-UH1-D SH-AW1 T-Y-UW1


... down. tantrum tick or tv. if you talked over me, i would shriek sonic boom until you whimpered and ran out.

D-AW1-N T-AE1-N T-R-AH0-M T-IH1 K-AO1-R T-IY1 V-IY1 IH1 F-Y-UW1 T-AO1-K T-OW1 V-ER0 M-IY1 AY1 W-UH1-D SH-R-IY1-K S-AA1 N-IH0-K B-UW1 M-AH0-N T-IH1 L-Y-UW1 W-IH1-M P-ER0 D-AH0-N D-R-AE1 N-AW1-T


i wouldn't care about their disapproval. the i am the normal one, the i should know better.

AY1 W-UH1 D-L-AH0-N-T K-EH1 R-AH0 B-AW1-T DH-EH1-R D-IH0 S-AH0 P-R-UW1 V-AH0-L DH-AH0 AY1 AE1-M DH-AH0 N-AO1-R M-AH0 L-W-AH1-N DH-AH0 AY1 SH-UH1 D-N-OW1 B-EH1 T-ER0


i would yell and hit and get away with it like you do.

AY1 W-UH1 D-Y-EH1 L-AH0-N-D HH-IH1 T-AH0-N-D G-EH1 T-AH0 W-EY1 W-IH1 DH-IH1 T-L-AY1 K-Y-UW1 D-UW1


it's only fair. anyway.

IH1-T S-OW1 N-L-IY0 F-EH1 R-EH1 N-IY0 W-EY2