1
[LOW, THRUMMING RUMBLING]
[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]
[ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS, FADES]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING]
[PHONE BUZZING, CHIMING STOPS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH BUZZING]
[PHONE BUZZES, CHIMES]
[SNIFFLES]
[WOMAN] Mmm. Yum.
- Mmm. Hmm.
- Mmm.
- Ah. Hey, Joan.
- Mike.
["TAP IN" FADES]
- I'll tell 'em to look at the machine.
- Thank you.
[EXHALES] I'm so sorry. So sorry.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
- I'm sorry. It's how the board feel.
- [WOMAN SIGHS]
[WOMAN] Joan.
- Okay.
- Joan!
[SCOFFS] I invited you
[WHISPERS] I've asked Brutus
[BRUTUS] I'll help you
[SIGHS]
- [GASPS]
- Joan, is that you? I know you're there.
[QUIETLY] Fuck!
[DOOR OPENS]
[JOAN] Thank you.
[THERAPIST] So, where are we at?
- Not good?
- Oh, no.
[GROANS, CHUCKLES]
- Yes.
- So, good. Good. It's good.
- Mac?
- Mac, yeah.
[SIGHS] But I never got over him.
[PHONE BUZZING]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
[EXHALES]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAC] It's so good to see you.
'cause you look hot as shit.
- Okay. Okay.
- I mean it.
- Yep.
- So, yeah, I am marrying Krish.
[JOAN LAUGHS]
- Well Hey.
- I shouldn't have come.
- I should not have come here.
- Joan.
[JOAN] Mm.
[DOOR OPENS]
[KRISH] That you, baby?
[CHUCKLES]
- What do you wanna watch?
- Oh, I'm easy.
- Let's see what's on Streamberry.
- All right.
[JOAN] Um
- [KRISH] Oh, how about Sea of Tranquility?
- Eh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry, just after Gacy, I
- Okay.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[JOAN] "New drama. Joan Is Awful."
[JOAN] Okay. What even is the show?
- Well, we're watching it.
- No, we're not watching Joan Is Awful.
- Just hit play.
- Mm.
- [SPLUTTERS] Come on. Hit play.
- [SIGHS]
[TV CHIRPS]
[PHONE ALARM CHIMING]
[MOANS]
- She uses the same toothpaste as you.
- Okay, just
[CHUCKLES]
[TV JOAN] Mmm
- Babe?
- [MAN 1] You should see this.
[SIGHS] Yeah, I guess.
[PHONE BUZZING]
[WOMAN] We're gonna
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[MAC] Huh.
[PHONE CHIMES]
[KRISH] Holy shit.
- How did I do this?
- This is a prank. How did you do this?
- Well, I didn't
- I don't find it fucking funny.
[LAUGHS] I didn't do anything.
- Also, Sandy is waiting for that 10:15.
- Joan?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
- Yeah.
- What?
[PANTING]
[PANTING] I'm having a panic attack.
- Uh All right, um
- I'm having a panic attack.
- Is he still there?
- [CHUCKLES] He's still there.
- Just get it over with.
- They made me the gayest man on earth.
- How the fuck is this?
- Um
- Give me five.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Sure. Thanks.
- Oh my God. Is that what I sound like?
- Sh. Will you be quiet, please?
- Uh, feel the carpet beneath your feet.
- I don't wanna feel the carpet!
- Well, just feel the floor.
- Uh Fuck the floor!
[TV JOAN] Correct. Your audio
- Also not their concern.
- I mean, you see what she's like.
- Oh my God, she is cold.
- Please.
- [LAUGHING] She did not say that.
- [TV SANDY] Oh my God.
[TV SANDY CRYING]
[JOAN] Jesus Christ.
[TV SANDY] What am I
- Oh my God.
- She's making me so uncomfortable.
- Get Brutus to escort her out.
- Why are you consoling Joan?
- Why am I consoling Joan?
- [TV SANDY] Please just give me a second.
- This is bad.
- Okay, all right.
- Fucking insane!
- All right, okay.
- [JOAN] Oh God.
- Hey, okay. All right. Hey, you're right.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
- Ooh.
[PHONE CHIMES]
- [JOAN] My dad's seen it.
- [PHONE CHIMES]
[JOAN BREATHES HEAVILY]
- [KRISH] Honey.
- What?
- Has Mac been texting you?
- What?
- [KRISH] All right.
- You can come in now.
- Okay. I think we should turn this off.
- What?
[KRISH] Well, actually, I
- Hey, whoa.
- Krish, Krish, I want it off!
- No.
- [TV THERAPIST] How's life at home?
- Joan!
- [TV JOAN] With Krish?
- He's kind and smart and caring, but
- Where's this stupid fucking button?
[TV THERAPIST] Hmm.
- I didn't say that. Krish, turn it off.
- [TV JOAN] It's just that
- Fuck.
- Krish?
- [TV JOAN] I haven't gotten over Mac.
- Krish!
[TV JOAN] I think maybe
- Okay?
- No.
[KRISH] Mm-hmm.
- [KRISH GRUNTS]
- Krish.
[KRISH GRUNTS]
- I don't know. I gotta go.
- Krish, come on. Please, please!
[TV MAC] I'm here three days
- Hey!
- then back to San Jose.
[JOAN] I said
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[JOAN GASPS]
[TV JOAN] So, what do you wanna watch?
[TV JOAN] Is that Cate Blanchett?
- That's Cate Blanchett?
- Oh no.
- That's Cate Blanchett!
- That's good.
- [TV JOAN] That's not my hair.
- She looks good!
[PHONE CHIMES]
- Goodbye.
- Krish.
[TV JOAN] Krish, you're being
[PHONE RINGING]
- You can't leave me!
- Mac.
- [EXCLAIMS]
- [TV JOAN] Krish!
[EXCLAIMS]
[CRYING]
[CRYING]
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONE ALARM CHIMES]
[SIGHS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Sorry I'm late.
- [ERIC] Uh-huh.
[EXHALES] How'd it come across?
- Krish is so mad at me.
- Joan.
- He walked out last night.
- Hey, Joan.
[SIGHS] Why is Brutus here?
[JOAN SNIFFLES]
"I'm in a pantsuit."
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
[LAWYER] You have. You just
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[SPLUTTERING] For, like,
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
[CHUCKLING] Oh, whoa.
[CHUCKLES]
[JOAN LAUGHING] Okay.
[PENSIVE MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROANING ANGRILY]
[TV JOAN] This show, it is using
- I would've known if I signed it.
- This is brutal.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
[TV LAWYER] You did accept it though.
- [TV JOAN] What?
- Yeah, they're in the clear.
- [TV JOAN] They can't do this to me.
- Oh, hey.
- Can I come in?
- Yeah, yeah.
[CRYING]
[JOAN CRYING]
[MAC] You're okay.
[JOAN SOBS]
[SOBS]
[JOAN BREATHING HEAVILY]
- It's Salma Hayek and
- Well, yeah, I know.
[SCOFFS] Uh, for what?
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[COUGHS]
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[GASPS, GROANS]
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[PRIEST] Anyone knows a reason
[AIR HORN BLARING]
- Merry Christmas, one and all!
- [GUESTS MURMURING]
[STOMACH RUMBLING]
[GROANS]
[MAN] Oh my God!
[GUESTS GROANING IN DISGUST]
[JOAN GROANING]
[SCREAMING]
- Get the kids out of here!
- Get out of here!
[GRUNTS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- [LAUGHS]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[PHOTOGRAPHER] Why?
- Uh
- You're free to go.
[FEMALE OFFICER] For now.
[LAUGHS]
[TV PRIEST] these two should
[AIR HORN BLARING ON TV]
[TV JOAN] Merry Christmas, one and all!
[GUESTS MURMURING]
[GUESTS GROANING IN DISGUST]
[TV BRIDESMAID] What are you doing?
[LAUGHING]
[JOAN LAUGHING]
[WEDDING SCENE PLAYING ON LAPTOP]
[HAYEK] Never in my wildest nightmares
- That's why I overpay you to protect me.
- Okay.
- Okay. All right.
- [EXHALES] Okay, okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
- [DOORBELL RINGING]
- [SNORTS]
[CONFUSED MOAN]
- I understand that you're mad.
- Oh, do you?
[INAUDIBLE] What the fuck?
- Come on!
- Coming!
- Mm-hmm.
- I don't wanna be associated with you.
- You are yelling at me.
- Well, I need to yell at someone!
- And?
- They told me to go fuck myself.
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
- That is so fucked up.
- Yeah.
- [JOAN] Javadi.
- Whatever.
- You know?
- Her office is all the way at the top.
'Cause you can just
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[HAYEK] Good morning.
[SECRETARY] Uh, I can't, um
- You rolling?
- Yeah.
- So, Miss Javadi.
- Mm.
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- I know, right?
- Bet you've got a heap of questions.
- Yeah.
[CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS]
- Lucy, I'm in the middle of an interview.
- I think it might be important.
- Didn't we tell her to go fuck herself?
- Maybe that's why.
- Yeah.
- Don't know how long she'll last.
- Joan Is Awful.
- Joan Is Awful.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[DOOR LOCK BEEPS]
- What are you wearing?
- It's a disguise.
- Hurry up!
- Okay!
[TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
[INTERVIEWER] Like Joan Is Awful.
[MONA] Exactly.
[MONA] And that is made
[INTERVIEWER] A kind
[INTERVIEWER] Joan Is Awful.
- [MONA] Correct.
- [WHISPERS] I like the picture.
[UNCOMFORTABLE CHUCKLE]
- [FATIMA] Wow. Great, thanks.
- [MONA] Did you get everything you need?
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [WHISPERS] Is that it?
- It's locked.
[DOOR OPENS]
[HAYEK] There it is.
[HAYEK] Okay.
[JOAN] What's that?
"Source Joan"?
[JOAN] Source Joan?
- Who's Annie Murphy?
- The actress.
- You're playing an adaptation of Joan.
- No, no.
- The fictive level?
- Yes, fictive level one.
- You're in a show right now.
- I'm in a show right now?
[HAYEK] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
- What?
[HAYEK] If I'm not
- I don't know where she is.
- Zurich?
- It's called Joan Is Awful. Her story.
- What the fuck?
[EXHALES] Annie Murphy, you're my hero.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
- She wasn't in the schedule.
- I know that. I was working
- Yeah.
- [DOOR OPENS]
- They're coming! Do it! Do it!
- [MONA] Stop!
- You!
- Billions of simulated souls
- Would I die?
- Instantly.
- [MONA] Listen to her. Do as you're told.
- [HAYEK] Put it down!
- It doesn't matter what I want
- Get in.
- It's Joan's.
- [MONA] Okay.
- It's happening.
- All right, Joan.
- She's doing it. Joan's doing it.
- [MONA] Joan, put the axe down.
[SCREAMS]
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
[PANTING]
[ALARM SOUNDING]
[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
- [OFFICER] What's your name, please?
- Annie Murphy.
[OFFICER] Miss Murphy, what do you
[THERAPIST] So, where are we at?
- Uh, I'm dating again.
- Mm-hmm.
[THERAPIST] And work?
- [THERAPIST] It's good to hear.
- Yeah, thanks.
[THERAPIST] Mm-hmm.
[THERAPIST] And you
- Oh, the house arrest?
- Mm-hmm.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC PLAYING]
- What is that?
- Yeah, it's not good. I know.
[ANNIE] Hi, Joan.
- How you doing?
- [JOAN] Good.
- The usual?
- The usual, please.
- [ANNIE] Missed you.
- [JOAN] I missed you. How are you?
[ANNIE] I'm good.
[UPLIFTING MUSIC CONTINUES]
[AIR HORN BLARING]
[GUESTS MURMURING]
[GROANING]
[GROANS]
[GUESTS GROANING IN DISGUST]
[GUESTS SCREAMING]