On Monday evenings I meet with a group of friends and we do writing exercises from Natalie Goldberg’s Old Friend from Far Away: The Practice of Writing Memoir. Each Monday, this blog will feature a reworking of one of the writing exercises that I did in previous weeks. This week we meditated for five minutes and then wrote about whatever was on our minds. I wrote the first segment of this (the conversation relayed below) in our memoir group, and the commentary that follows afterwards.
I was at a party with my family recently when a friend (who is old enough to be my grandmother) came over to tell me that she didn’t approve of my daughter’s hoop earrings.
“She shouldn’t be wearing those,” she said, “They’re totally inappropriate.”
“You think so?” I responded, “Well, I guess you should tell her that.”
“Why should I have to be the one to tell her?” She asked, “You’re the mother.”
“But I don’t have a problem with them.” I said.
“You don’t? She looks like a teenager!” my friend replied.
“To me, she looks like an eight-year old wearing big earrings.” I said, “She wanted to get dressed up and look fancy for the party.”
“They grow up too fast as it is,” my friend muttered as she wandered off.
The truth is, I am concerned about the ways that corporate marketing encourages our children to look and act older than they are. I don’t approve of sexy clothing or suggestive sayings on young children’s clothes. In fact, I try to avoid buying my children clothing or games that promote any particular products or characters.
That said, children have always emulated adults. The toys my children return to over and over again are those that help them learn what it’s like to be a grown-up: They play dress-up, they take care of their babies (dolls), they teach school, and run restaurants. Children’s play is at once practice for life and a reflection of the life that they are already living.
That is why I like to read to my children’s classes and encourage them to have their friends over to our house. When one girl my daughters met on the school bus came over to play on the weekend, she pretended that she was divorced and was getting ready to go out to a bar to meet men (dressing up in glamorous clothing and tucking her dolls into bed and telling them that she might be home late). I was glad I was there to steer their play in a more positive direction (and to talk to my children about what their friend’s life must be like after she left).
What children see as normal behavior in their homes is what they will emulate. I think that if we focus on the values that matter most in our households, we don’t have to worry too much about what types of earrings our daughters wear.
I also hope to teach my children that different people have different styles, and what may be appropriate for one person may not be appropriate for another. But decisions about what is and is not appropriate have to be made at home by the children and parents themselves.
I’m not sure what my friend was trying to accomplish by chastising me for what my daughter was wearing at the party. I’m sure that she had good intentions and was trying to protect my daughter from some perceived harm. But I prefer to provide my children with good role models and to talk to them directly about my concerns about their safety and appearance. I believe that will make a more lasting impact than forbidding them to wear something that makes them feel good (if it’s not insulting or sexually suggestive).