Q: I really need some help handling my four4-year old son’s temper tantrums. I have some strategies that work at home, but when we are in a public place I feel so judged and isolated. How can I deal more effectively with this situation?
A: If your strategies are working at home, then you need to stand firm and continue with those strategies in public, says the Help for Families panel. Being consistent is the benchmark of effective discipline.
Everyone who has had a child has been in your shoes, says panelist Rochelle Freedman.
“Your sense of being judged is your own projection of other people’s reactions,” she says.
Figure out what brings your son to the point of having a tantrum when you are out in public, says panelist Denise Continenza.
If you know his triggers, you can be prepared,” agrees panelist Bill Vogler.
Know his limits. For example you may be able to take him shopping for a short time but don’t take him along for hours of errands, says panelist Michael Daniels.
Be aware if your son is bored, hungry, tired or over-stimulated, Continenza says. If you sense he’s on the verge of a meltdown, stop at a playground and let him blow off some steam.
“Give him behavior-based ground rules ahead of time,” she says. “Let him know what’s ok and what isn’t.”
You need simple direct rules with follow-through, agrees Vogler.
“If he causes a fuss, you may just have to leave,” Vogler says.
It might seem like this happens all the time now but it won’t last forever, Daniels says.
“By the time he’s 7 or 8, you’re not going to be picking him up and taking him out of stores.”
“When a child has a tantrum he is using the emotional side of his brain, and not his cognitive side,” Freedman says. “He has a lack of validation of his feelings. If you validate how he’s feeling rather than dismissing his emotion it could help diffuse the situation.”
Try to get down on the child’s level and connect with his emotions, suggests Vogler.
Don’t ignore his tantrum, Freedman says. Either remove him from the situation or use some type of strategy.
The panel recommends a book about discipline, such as “1-2-3 Magic” by Thomas Phelan, which is a discipline system that gives a child three chances before a consequence is given. Another good book is “SOS: Help for Parents” by Lynn Clark which uses time-out strategies.