Proper Condom Use
When the fourth graders start beating off their dogs (in the mistaken belief that they're "milking" them), their parents demand they receive sex education. The fourth-grade girls are instructed by Ms. Choksondik (who despises sex) and the boys are taught by Mr. Mackey (who hasn't had sex since he was 19).
The girls are soon convinced that the boys have to wear condoms at all times to prevent disease transmission. So the boys buy some and start wearing them. When this gets back to the parents, they decide that sex education should begin even younger -- in kindergarten. We are then treated to the spectacle of Mr. Garrison demonstrating to the kindergartenclass how to put on a condom -- by using one's mouth. Then he and the little kids review sexual positions.
The boys discover from Mr. Mackey that they don't have to wear condoms all the time -- only during sex. Feeling that the girls are the source of all disease, they square off against them in an epic after-school battle involving flamethrowers and tricked-out cars.
Meanwhile, Mr. Mackey and Ms. Choksondik develop a sexual relationship. But their love making is broken up by the huge explosions from the kids' battlefield. Soon the town's adults break things up. Chef scolds the parents for not taking responsibility for teaching their own kids about sex. It's decided that, just perhaps, grade school isn't the best place to be introduced to the mysteries of sex..
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