Some months ago, we saw the launch of a print version of the alternative medicine magazine What Doctors Don't Tell You. This immediately inspired some other publications with a similar format. As with any publication that spreads information about human health and medicine that generally contradicts what science and trained experts would tell you (hence the title), it has met with much criticism from the scientific and rationalist communities.
This has seemingly come to a head this week, as criticism of What Doctors Don't Tell You has achieved high-profile coverage. As well as numerous complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority, this recent coverage (also on Channel 5's "The Wright Stuff") seems to be putting a lot of pressure on the magazine, and the supermarkets that stock it.
This raises an important question: if the magazine is pulled from the shelves, as many hope will happen, where will people be able to find out what doctors won't tell them? As a community minded individual who supports the proliferation of knowledge, I have put together a brief collection of therapies and treatments that professional medical doctors would never tell you about under any circumstances, for reasons that should be obvious. At no point should anything said in this article be seen as legitimate medical advice. Enjoy!
Hyperspeed restorative therapy
A multi-purpose cure for aches, pains, illness and general ageing, is a good, refreshing run. We all know that a good, vigorous run can make you feel better, but what doctors don't tell you is that the faster you run, the healthier you become! This is because as you run faster and faster, you approach the speed of light. Once you reach this limit and pass it, you violate space time and travel into the past, and thus reverse your bodies clock, undoing all the damage and decay the modern world causes. Superman used this very technique to bring Lois Lane back to life in his first film, and who are you going to trust more; some uncaring GP, or the last son of Krypton?
You may experience some heaviness and aches while doing this, but this is just parts of your body regenerating. The speeds necessary are sometimes known as "relativistic" because if you go too fast there's a chance you'll go too far back in time and become one of your own relatives.
Extreme carrot diet
Carrots are good for you, this is widely acknowledged. They contain many vitamins and help you see in the dark, despite what some "experts" may tell you. So, if some carrots make your healthier, imagine what MANY MORE CARROTS would do! By switching to an all-carrot diet, you can improve your general health, your skin can obtain a healthy orange glow, and your vision will improve to the extent that you'll be able to see the future. If you use this ability to tell someone what will happen to them, this is known as a Carot reading.
Swimming with sharks
A common therapy that aids wellbeing and general mood is swimming with dolphins. But dolphins are actually evil, and their positive image is a result of propaganda by Big Pharma. A better alternative is to swim with sharks. Sharks are almost magical creatures that definitely never get cancer, so by swimming with them they can imbue you with some of their health-giving powers.
The best approach is to find sharks in the wild, not in some cruel corporate aquarium. Sharks aren't known to be as friendly with humans as dolphins, so you'll need to get their attention. The best approach would be to smear raw meat all over yourself and do an impression of a seal, and await the arrival of a shark, eager to go for a friendly and soothing swim with you.
Voodoo depressive therapy
Many people suffer from depression, and the typical response of the ignorant medical community is to pump them full of pills. But taking a tip from some ancient, established cultures can remove the need for any of this dangerous behaviour. All you need to do is create a voodoo doll, but one that is meant to be you specifically. Once you have done this, take this doll to the fairground, or the cinema, or to dinner, or anything you like to do. This will result in the enjoyable nature of the activity being twice as powerful as normal, causing you to cheer up in no-time.
Height enhancement treatment
It is official that taller people are healthier, happier and more intelligent than shorter people. With this in mind, it's easy to improve your own happiness, health and IQ by increasing your height. Daily sessions on a specially-designed stretching machine will allow you to embrace the benefits of tallness no matter your original height.
Some so-called experts may say this is actually a form of torture, but they're just closed minded. It does hurt, yes, but that's how you know it's working.
Holistic hay fever prevention
Hay fever is a common allergy, suffered by countless people every summer. So-called experts would treat it with antihistamines and other poisons, but this narrow-minded view ignores the interconnected way the natural world works. Hay fever is caused by pollen, which is how plants reproduce. Pollen is entirely natural, and nothing natural is harmful, so hay fever is caused by an imbalance. In order to address this imbalance, simply masturbate regularly into a flowerbed or other convenient foliage.
The geological diet
Raw foods are better for you. Fact. By making food easier to eat, cooking makes them less healthy. So, logically, the less edible something is, the better it is for you and your general health. A diet of stones, rocks and, on special occasions, boulders will ensure a healthy and active lifestyle. Although make sure you get the free-range organic stones from Waitrose, not the GM, processed ones. Those aren't good.
Dean Burnett is always happy to dispense utterly ridiculous advice on twitter, @garwboy