Blog posts about love and relationship activities to help build confidence that leads to a more rewarding and fun filled life.
Welcome to Confused To Confident Where Great Romantic Relationships Are Possible
Hello all you wonderful women. I had a request for information on romantic relationships so that will be our topic for today.
There are several aspects of being a woman today that make it more difficult to have a meaningful, close, romantic relationship. The biggest stems from the women’s movement. A lot of great things have come from the growth in women’s power. We are able to vote and work in any industry, our pay scale has increased, and we don’t have to depend on men to survive. For all the good that has come from women gaining more rights though, there's still a big negative. It has blurred our identity, as well as men’s. This identity confusion has hurt our romantic relationships.
A Woman's Need To Be Masculine & Feminine
As so many women are working to support themselves or help support their families, we are taking on masculine traits and giving up our power as a woman. Being feminine is a strong power that many of us women have forgotten how to use. We are so afraid of being “objectified” or “harassed” that we scorn and suppress our femininity. We may even shun other women who are being feminine. If we want to have a strong, romantic, relationship with a man, we need to act more like a woman.
Now don’t click away thinking I’m saying we need to go back to the archaic days, or let men walk all over us, I would never advocate that thinking. I’m also not suggesting that you give up your career or strength in the workplace. All I’m saying is, when you are with your man, or a man you would like to be yours, be a woman.
This was a hard lesson for me to learn. I lost several wonderful romantic relationships because I didn’t understand that I continued to function in my masculine role, which I needed at work, even when I was with my partner. (You can hear about my eye-opening learning experience in the video or text below.)
I want to help you see, that as women today, we need to be able to switch back and forth between our masculine traits, which help us in the workplace, and our feminine traits, which are essential for a romantic relationship. This can be a burden sometimes but it's so worth it.
Switching back and forth does become easier the more you practice. I'll give you some concrete steps in today’s exercise that you can do to start on your way to developing your feminine side.
Every man and woman has some of both masculine and feminine traits that can be stronger or weaker at various time. If men are using more of their feminine traits most often, they are often deemed weak or gay, which may or may not be the case. Women, however, have more flexibility. We need the more masculine traits to survive in the workplace, yet, to be in a strong romantic relationship, we need to be fully in our feminine state.
How Do You Know Which Trait You're In?
If you have ever felt that your relationships with men tend to feel more like friends or business partners than spark-flying romance, there's a good chance you were using your masculine traits.
Here’s a quick example of how I realized I was normally in my masculine state. Maybe your reaction will help you identify if you are acting in yours.
I was sitting in the airport waiting to pick up a friend. A husband and wife were sitting a few seats down from me waiting for the wife’s sister to arrive. When the sister got there, the husband took her carry-on bag and the two sisters hugged and took off chatting together. My first thought was, I would have not let go of my suitcase. Then I thought about needing to be more feminine. I needed to learn to give up my suitcase!
Just that simple act of giving up her suitcase to the man, showed that this woman was acting in her femininity. In that act, she not only became more attractive to the men who may have seen her, she made her sister’s husband feel more like a man. He was able to be helpful, and take care of something for her, which is what men were made for.
Understanding Men Today
If you have a man at home and are thinking, yeah, right, I can’t even get my man to pick up his socks off the floor, you will especially benefit from today’s exercise. Many men have been taught, unfortunately by us women, to be less like a man. This is the flip side of us not understanding our femininity, however, you can turn that around. The more feminine you behave, the more you will let the men around you know it's okay for them to be masculine.
Men need to be able to do things for you. Heaven knows they don’t understand all our emotions and “sharing”; they know how to “do”. When we take care of everything we are teaching our men that we don’t need them. Even if we don’t need them, it feels good to be needed so, we need to let them feel like we need them.
Let them do the things for you men used to always do for women. Gush over the fact that he opens the door for you, and give him a big smile if he helps you on with your coat. Of course you can do these things for yourself, we are strong, capable, women, but in that strength we need to let our men do for us.
Look at the power we have as women, we get to choose to let our men be men. Men have had such a hard time with the “new woman” because they don’t know what their own manly role is anymore.
Let me tell you though, even if they have never opened your door, helped you on with your jacket, or paid for your meal, if you “let” them start doing these things (you may have to coax them to get started) they will feel manlier and treat you more like a woman without even realizing it. The stronger those two opposites are, masculine and feminine, the better your romantic relationship will be.
When it comes to masculinity and femininity it is true, opposites do attract.
Activity - Letting A Man Do For You
The activity this week is just one step, which can be repeated with different subjects. It will get you headed in the right direction of using your feminine side more naturally. If you are used to always being in your masculine traits, and don’t feel bad because many women have learned to do this, you may find using your feminine traits one of the most challenging things you have done.
I want you to find a man that you can “let” do something for you.
It can be that you let a man open the door for you – if he doesn’t, just stand to the side and wait. He has to go in so he will eventually open it. Immediately walk in, say “thank you”, and smile. Even if he didn’t plan to let you go in while he held the door, if you stand on the opening side you can slip in ahead of him. It shouldn’t take much, if you give him a big smile, for him to get the message. Start with this one simple act and train yourself to wait for any man you may be with, even strangers going into buildings at the same time, to open the door for you.
If you already do this act on a regular basis, think of something else you can do and keep practicing it until it becomes routine. Then do something else.
Let the man always get the bill when you go out, let him open your car door, let him carry the heavy stuff – even if he has to take two trips. There are a lot of little things you can do to show your femininity.
The idea is to increase your femininity, thereby increasing his masculinity, which will make your romantic life very exciting.
Still Have "Guy" Fun
Letting men do things for you doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy camping or hunting or other “non-girly” activities, it just means to remember to use your feminine power to make your relationships with a man stronger, or to attract a manly man if you are single.
How I Destroyed A Great Romantic Relationship
I was dating this guy, not serious yet, but heading in that direction, until I ruined it. I would occasionally spend the night at his house. Usually we would go out for dinner and drinks then just sit and talk. Well, one night he decided to make me dinner instead. He wouldn’t let me in the kitchen at all. He came out with this great meal and served it to me very ceremoniously. It was one of the nicest things anyone ever did for me. The following morning, he had to leave early and let me sleep in.
My First Wrong Move
I wanted to do something nice to show him how much I appreciated the meal the night before. So, before I left, I did up the dishes and scrubbed his very dirty stove. I left him a thank-you note and headed home. It was several days later and I hadn’t heard anything from him. Finally, after a week went by, I text him to see if I could stop by again. He said "sure."
My Second Wrong Move
I had been so impressed by him making me a meal the week before that I wanted to make one for him. I don’t cook much but I do make a great lasagna. So, I made up a pan, got some French bread to go with, and a pie for desert. I headed over to his house very excited. When it came time for dinner he said he wasn’t hungry. I had some of the food and we sat and watched TV. I went home very confused about what was wrong.
Figuring Out What I Did Wrong
After puzzling over it for the next few days, I finally called him and asked him what was wrong. His answer was, “I don’t think it’s going to work between us.” I asked him why not. He said, “Because I can’t do anything for you.” We talked some more, I apologized profusely, and we did see each other a few more times but his manliness had been wounded too much for it to work. I do have to say there were other similar instances that had happened prior to this but this was the final demasculinizing thing I did that ended it.
Seeing It From A Man's Perspective
You might be saying, “but you were just trying to be nice.” This is true, and was my complete motivation. After all women are the ones who “normally” cook and clean. Doing that doesn’t seem like I would be making a man feel less masculine. However, if I looked at it from his perspective, I could totally see how badly my actions came across.
First, by cleaning up his kitchen, I was telling him I didn’t think he was tidy enough. Second, by bringing food the next time I saw him, I was saying his cooking wasn’t good enough for me. Like I said, I had done other things that “told him” the same thing prior to this.
I hope you can learn from my mistakes. Come back next week and I will delight you with more of my learning experiences.
Welcome to Confused To Confident Where We Embrace Being Single
Hello all you wonderful women. We are going to cover another aspect of relationships this week, being single. If you didn’t see last week’s relationship post you can check it out here. Don’t worry if you are married, this post will still benefit you. Just read on to find a more fulfilling relationship within your marriage.
It’s a great feeling to be single, You’re able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, without having to check in with anyone. It has a sense of freedom that could never be achieved in a marriage or committed relationship. However, it also can come with a sense of being alone. There is comfort in knowing you have someone who always has your back and is on your side against the world. Sure this role can be filled somewhat with friends but friends don’t have a stake in your life like a partner does. If you make bad choices and your house is foreclosed on, for instance, a friend may feel bad for you but it doesn’t affect their life. Unless, of course, it’s their couch you end up living on. So how do you have both?
First Thing To Do If You Are Single
The first thing you must do if you are single is ENJOY IT! Go out with friends. Go out by yourself. Snuggle in at home doing your favorite activity. Dance around the house naked with the music loud, indoors only please. Start a new hobby or work on an old one. Join a club, Meetup is great for finding groups where you can learn new things and for connecting with people doing things you already enjoy. Travel, you can find out, below, about the best vacation I ever had, and I went alone. Just have fun.
What To Avoid If You Are Single
What you want to avoid is trying to “find someone”. Focus your mind completely on being single. If you meet someone you like, enjoy the moment and send him home. Let yourself be single for at least one quarter of the time you were “with someone”. So say you were married for twelve years, you will want to be single for at least three years. If you dated one guy exclusively for four years and another for two, then you want to be single at least one and a half years. Add up all the years you were in any committed relationship then divide by four. This is the number of years to be single. You can’t count any time between relationships you have to start the clock after your last relationship ended. This is important because it takes time to figure out who you are as an individual. Relationships tend to blur who we are as individuals.
This is a good time to put on some party pants and get out of the house. It doesn’t matter where you go but dress up nice and feel good about yourself. It may be a good time to do, or redo, the activities in the other blog posts on Confused To Confident too. Push through the low time and it starts to get better. Remember to focus on yourself, what makes you feel good. And no, it isn’t a man. What makes you feel good outside of a man?
What If You Don't Want To Be Single?
When you reach the point where you are completely comfortable with yourself, but not a minute before, it’s time to open yourself up to let someone else in. I know this seems anti-productive, to wait until you don’t want someone, to start looking for someone, but it’s the only way to get freedom within a relationship.
You have to truly know, and be happy with, yourself. Once you are completely comfortable with who you are as a single individual, you can start attracting others who fit well around your puzzle. If your puzzle is incomplete, someone else in your life is just going to start inserting pieces in the middle. If that happens then some of your pieces will never fit. That is where you start losing your identity and freedom.
If you are a whole picture, you can find someone to be your perfect frame. A good frame gives security to the picture but doesn’t distract from its beauty. That’s what you want in a good relationship. You want to shine as yourself while being enhanced by a partner. Doing the weekly activities here at Confused To Confident will help you complete your puzzle so keep checking back every week and do the homework.
Activity - Being Single
If you have been reading my posts you are probably wondering what the exercise for this week will be. Here it is. Both married and single women can do it, although if your married, run it by your spouse. Explain it’s an assignment you have to do to make yourself a better wife. You will be a better partner if you feel whole and capable on your own.
Get out of the house and do one fun thing alone.
You can''t bring a friend or a coworker or even your dog.
And it can't be shopping, especially to the grocery store.
Pay attention to how you feel while doing this activity. You can come back and share with us if you'd like.
This may be a little scary, maybe a lot scary for some of you, but you will survive and possibly even thrive from the experience.
You will be surprised, if you haven’t ever done something alone before, at how freeing it feels. It may not be the greatest fun you ever had, then again it may be, but it's an important step in finding who you are. Knowing yourself is the only way to find someone who fits with you perfectly.
My best vacation ever was a fifteen-day cruise, by myself, coast to coast through the Panama Canal. I have to say I dreaded the thought to start with. I don’t like doing things by myself and tried to convince everyone I knew to go with me.
I had always wanted to go through the Panama Canal on a cruise ship. The ships are so big they almost touch the sides. Well, I found out they had just decided to build a new, bigger, canal that the cruise ships could use easier. I needed to get on my trip now or it would never happen. Unfortunately, everyone I knew was either too busy or didn’t have the money to go. Finally, I just decided I would go by myself.
It was the best thing I have ever done!!! The people on board were mostly elderly people, retired and on board to cruise for the winter. They had nothing to do but sit around and chat. I learned about so many people from so many places, it was great! Being a big-time introvert, I don’t usually get fulfilled by chatting with people but I was able to go back to my room and be alone to rejuvenate. Once I had some alone time, then I could come back out and the people were there, ready to chat. It wasn’t like in the everyday world where people are usually too busy to interact with each other in person.
There, the ship was filled with hundreds of people whose sole goal was to get to know others on the ship. It was rewarding and refreshing to say the least. It also taught me that I can enjoy the company of strangers, even if I am an introvert.
I actually felt a loss from the lack of human connection when I got home. I now better understand why people are so addicted to their social media. We are a society of lonely people. So, get out there and meet some new people without worrying about romance. And leave those cellphones at home. It feels great!