The biggest and often most problematic part in attachment parenting and in homeschooling is lack of time for oneself separate from the children. Despite the number of attachment parenting oriented blogs and homeschooling blogs that never seem to talk about “time alone”, I still think this need does exist, but no one seems to want to mention it. Would we be badly attached mothers to admit that there are some things easier to do alone?
For me, this is where sometimes I think the Attachment Parenting movement got hijacked by the popular press or something. Attachment Parenting International talks about “balance” as one of its principles. Time to be alone, at least for certain things, exists for me, and many mothers I speak with as well. But many mothers I speak with have extreme difficulty finding time alone, and wish they could for certain things. Here are some of the frequent examples that I hear from mothers: many mothers really dislike trying to exercise with five children staring at them, or they really don’t want to go to the dentist for themselves, but with three children to entertain whilst they are getting their teeth cleaned! Some mothers say how hard it is to go shopping for adult clothes, or whatever it is on their list. I hear you, mothers, and I think boundaries are okay. Yet so many attached and homeschooling mothers seem to feel guilty about trying to arrange time away for themselves.
I think the key to this part of rhythm is:
1. Acknowledging that we, as mothers, wives, and women, do have some needs apart from our children and that is okay. It is okay to be an adult woman and separate from your children! Babies and toddlers absolutely do have intense needs, some children do have trouble separating as well, but it part of the basis of the attachment parenting movement (think Continuum Concept) to have a family-centered approach to the child.
2. Acknowledging some real needs for health do exist. It may be reasonable to think one might not be able to exercise or attend doctor’s appointments or do this or do that alone for awhile, but to think of not doing these things for years on end or to do them in a hurried and less frequent way through the years is actually, probably and very realistically not super healthy. Our families deserve us to be healthy in body and mind and soul!
3. To work toward ways of meeting some of your own needs within your rhythm with the help of other adult friends, your spouse, family members.
Make a list! What are the things that you wish you could do alone and how often must they happen? Dentist appointments, OB-GYN appointments, how about bra or swimsuit shopping? Exercising? A hair appointment? What would you like to do by yourself with no little eyes watching? Some mothers have mentioned to me homeschool planning is something they really need to do alone because otherwise it is hard to focus! How about budgeting or paying bills? Do any of you choose to do that alone?
I think then talk to your spouse. I have heard some wives say that their husbands are utterly unsupportive in their endeavor to have some time alone each week. This is so sad to me. It is not parenting as partners, and to me it also undervalues the work a mother does and the very real need to recharge. I try to think positively, perhaps their partners are working hard to make a living so their families can homeschool, and maybe they are actually short on time due to working several jobs. However, maybe these spouses or partners feel they are already doing their part and do not need to contribute toward spending time alone with the children so their wife can have a break, which is a bit more of a distressing thought. This can be a real problem for many of us in the United States who may be living far away from extended family who could otherwise help and who are essentially relying on their husbands for a break.
So, I think then we have to call in the reinforcements: do you have friends that could help you in trading off watching the children whilst you have a dentist or doctor’s appointment? I
Those of you who are lucky enough to have family close by, do you ever utilize your family members to assist you?
I would love to hear from you: what do you like to do alone, and how do you make that happen? Where is that as you plan your rhythm for fall?