Throughout history mankind has faced three primary hazards: starvation, dehydration and walking into solid objects. The two former dangers have been rendered less acute over the years as we gradually found new ways to procure food and water.
Alas, the last danger remains as pressing today as it has ever been. In fact, the invention of glass and its subsequent use in construction have elevated this threat to unprecedented levels. Glass has a well-documented tendency towards being transparent and therefore somewhat difficult to see. Consequently, people oftentimes do not notice this hidden peril until it’s far, far too late.
As someone who has been personally affected by this menace I feel I can speak with some authority on the subject. Today I will offer you a humble instructional guide to walking into glass, with videos. Make no mistake, this guide is not meant to help you avoid the impact. There are no reliable ways to prevent glass collisions. No, this guide is here to show you how to deal with the inevitable. When you eventually walk into glass, you can at least do this on your own terms. Here’s how:
7. The Socially Conscious
Notice the full circle the woman makes after impact? That’s the key – you want to do a complete survey of the area to assess how many people may have seen your run in with glass. Bonus points if you can make the “survey circle” look like it’s a part of your regular routine. “Who? Me? No no, I always do a little waltz before I exit any building. Thanks for asking, though!”
6. The Quit’n’Go
I want you to know this: it is perfectly OK to concede defeat. You can’t always win. Most of the time you can carry on with your day after glass-incidents, but there will be days where you have neither the energy nor the will to do so. In those cases it’s more than acceptable to say: “You win this round, door! I didn’t really want to go shopping in the first place. Until next time!”
5. The Nonchalant
This one is supremely difficult to pull off, but is also the most satisfying. It requires quick thinking, high pain tolerance and good acting skills. The key to it is shrugging the collision off in the first 1-2 seconds, otherwise it just doesn’t work.
Step one: Collide with glass
Step two: Recover from impact within maximum 2 seconds
Step three: Pretend that nothing at all has happened
Step four: Continue with exactly what you were doing before impact
4. The Helpful
You can’t do much to save yourself, but you can certainly help others avoid the same fate. You will need a substance that is visible and can cover a large area. Coffee works great for this purpose, but milkshakes, smoothies and other colourful liquids will do the trick. It is important to hold the liquid out in front of you. You want to make sure it covers the glass instead of your clothes. That would be embarrassing, wouldn’t it?
3. The Nonconformist
You’re a rebel. You don’t play by society’s rules! How do you make sure to communicate this? Well, encounters with glass can help you do that. First you need to establish the path of least resistance. In the above case this is represented by a wide-open door in your direct line of sight. Once you have located this path you want to make a deliberate and obvious effort to avoid using it. Sure, you will end up smashing some windows, but at least you won’t be taking the easy way out like the rest of those sheeple.
2. The Stooge
Let’s face it: everyone loves a jester! Why not turn your misery into entertainment and make others laugh? Get a running start at the glass door. Make noises. Make people aware of your intentions so they start paying attention to you. Once you hit the glass you may want to fall backwards comically. Of course, being naked helps. Being naked always helps in these situations!
1. The Bipolar
This one should only be attempted by professionals and seasoned glass shatterers, as it is almost impossible to execute convincingly. You should spend at least half a minute establishing your shy personality. Act helpless and look around awkwardly. Make a show out of rummaging through your papers. You have to make people believe you’re a quiet and reserved person.
Once your shy persona is established, it’s time to CHAAAAAARGE! No warning. No middle ground. No asking people how doors work or trying to examine the door closer. No. You need to transition from shy to The Hulk in a split second. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde got nothing on you!
If performed successfully it will leave everyone asking the same question: “What the hell has just happened?!”. Also, that stupid glass door will have learned its lesson once and for all!