Sometimes I get calls from men or women who want to work on building their self-esteem — an important goal and often not easily obtained.
Part of the difficulty is understanding from where a person derives their self-esteem. For some, self-esteem is related to looks; others attribute it to money, relationships, education or what they do for a living. There is no one size fits all approach to enhancing an individual’s self-image. Each person is the product of so many things including how they were raised, the values stressed in childhood and other factors.
Often, building self-esteem comes down to acceptance. If a person has poor self-esteem because of how they view their physical appearance, it may be useful to assist that person in accepting their looks. I have had countless men and women, although more often it’s women, who loathe themselves because they believe they are 20-30 pounds overweight. They have tried every weight loss diet known and if they do lose the weight, soon it comes back. It certainly isn’t healthy to be 20-30 pounds overweight but neither is it healthy to be disgusted with yourself because of it.
Acceptance means sure, try to lose weight responsibly and in a healthy manner, but stop pretending your life will suddenly be near perfect if the ideal weight is obtained. It also means stop denying yourself because you might feel unworthy. I have had patients who vow not to buy any new clothes until they reach their perfect weight. This is somewhat backwards. It makes more sense to buy clothes that enhance appearance and self-image before you reach the optimal weight. Wearing old, tattered or ill-fitting clothes is not a reasonable way to deal with self-loathing.
Money, education and what a person does for a living are often expressed as the cause of lowered self worth. The reality is I have facilitated counseling with men and women who are wealthy, have advanced degrees and prestigious jobs yet they also struggle with self-esteem issues.
If self-esteem were a commodity reserved only for the wealthy, I wouldn’t see so many men and women who still struggle after obtaining what others may view as the pinnacle of material things.
Take physicians for example. I will have counseling with a doctor who might be critical of himself or herself because they graduated from an “average” medical school or are not a department head. Certainly our culture has expectations that are often rooted in finances or accomplishments, but what I have learned from the men and women I’ve counseled is what looks great on the outside to another may not be enough for that person.
Most of us won’t be millionaires, doctors or lawyers, but these attributes do not equal a positive self-image. A person of the most modest means may be more self-accepting and at peace with who they are than their counterpart who may be viewed as having the ideal life.
All of us have “stuff” — meaning issues that bother even plague our existences. Those who seem to do best are individuals who accept their strengths and limitations and don’t judge themselves more harshly than they would others.