When asked how counseling will improve their lives, most say they hope it will help them get “unstuck.” I grew up in rural Texas where most of the roads were nothing more than worn out trails that would turn into mud pits when it rained. What comes to mind when someone says they are stuck is the countless times my rig would get stuck in those mud pits. Wheels spinning, rocking back and forth from drive to reverse trying to get some traction. Most of the time getting unstuck was achieved only after a few friends saw my dilemma and volunteered to push or someone came along with a rig fitted with a rope or chain.
When we keep repeating the same old behavior without any improvement, it can feel like we are spinning our wheels.
Some people feel stuck in their careers. Others are stuck in a spiritless marriage. Still, others are stuck in depression, anxiety, anger, hopelessness, or grief.
So why is it so difficult for intelligent, successful, healthy people to get unstuck? Why don’t they use the brains “God gave them” and figure it out! In many of life’s puzzles, our brain/mind helps us to solve problems. Say you wanted to paint your office. Thanks to your mind you know the colors you like, how much paint you will need, when to use rollers and when to use a brush.
But what happens when trying to solve a moral, ethical, social, or personal predicament? Why do many of us struggle with living a life with meaning? In two words “your mind.” Your mind is not your friend. The mind’s main purpose is to make sure you survive long enough to pass your genes onto the next generation. To do so, it needs your constant attention. For many of us, the mind feeds us an endless loop of thoughts (about 55,000 thoughts a day) that are not very life-enhancing. Thoughts like “you are not good enough” “you are too short” “you are not smart enough” “you are too old/young.” Where did those thoughts come from? Well if we think of our mind as a computer, we have had over our lifetimes, thousands of programmers tinkering with our hard drive. Moms, dads, brother, sisters, teachers, the TV, friends, books have all had a part in the programming of our brain. Some were great programmers. Others not so much. So why is the negative programming so much louder than the good programs? Survival. When thinking about a shortcut through that dark alley our mind chimes in “ARE YOU NUTS!?” Thank your mind. Thank your programmers.
Until you get ready to take that long-awaited and well-deserved trip to Hawaii and your brain, just trying to help, chimes in “The plane is going to crash!” Rationally we know the odds of a plane crashing are negligible. So we argue with the irrational thoughts our mind generates, or we reframe the thoughts into something more positive, or we consume alcohol, drugs, read a self help book or some other temporary distraction. But after the buzz has worn off the thoughts come back and this time with a vengeance.
The thoughts are not going away. They are part of your programming. And without the right tools, you are stuck.
Your New Upgrade is Ready
Alas, there is hope. Here come your friends with a rig outfitted with a rope and chain. In this metaphor, the ropes and chains are values, self-awareness, the willingness to accept the pain that befalls us all from time to time and being present rather than living in the past or future.
This may seem radical to some because it is so contrary to most of our teaching (programming). In some cases, we can delete the old unhelpful programming, but usually, the best we can do is turn down the volume on those thoughts that are not consistent with your values and turn up the volume on the more value consistent thoughts.
Trading in That Commodore 64
Our brains/minds are surprisingly malleable. With mindful practice, we can install new values consistent circuitry. While you cannot control your thoughts or feelings, you can control your behavior. You don’t have to be pushed around or controlled by your thoughts.
Isn’t it time you quit spinning your wheels?