Does Dissociation Make Us Special?
My answer: Of course it does. But, we are already special. Everyone is special. We are no more special than anyone else. And there are plenty of other things which make us special.
One of the worries I have when I think about and talk to others about recovery from a dissociative disorder and trauma is the special factor. I understand that there's always that natural tendency to want to be part of a group. To be special. Different. And I admit that I sometimes do get caught up in that myself. But when I take a step back, I know that the path of "I'm special because of my trauma and dissociation" is a dead end. It does not help us heal.
Intimately tied to the issue of being special is the language we often use. All of us sometimes get caught up in saying "we" and "co-consciousness" and "switch" and "integration" and "alter" and on and on. When absolutely necessary, I may use one of these terms. But I tend to avoid them. There's a simple reason for that. The language of dissociative disorders and their definitions present narrow views. These views tend to tie us into a particular way of thinking (and sometimes being) and ultimately hold us back.
All of us, I hope, embrace as our main goal to heal. For those of us who dissociate, it's undeniable that this ability was a main reason we survived. But we all end up eventually discovering that dissociation is severely limiting. The only way we heal is by broadening our awareness, often quite radically, from where it used to be.
It's rather easy to say "Personality A did this" or "Personality B was out" and people, particularly treaters, will know exactly what you mean. But that's usually said because of lack of awareness, or strict adherence to the dissociative language and paradigms. As we develop awareness–as we heal–we necessarily find ourselves at odds with these paradigms and with the goal of dissociation.
That's when we've reached a middle ground.
It's a bit harder to try to explain the middle ground. It takes a bit more effort to explain what is perhaps a less clear reality. While this is not always the case, I have come to believe that the dissociative barriers which demark personalities may be only consistently extreme at the beginning of our healing. I've known many survivors who have confirmed this view. Is there really a firm line that marks precisely where one personality ends and another begins? Is there really a distinction between co-communication and co-consciousness? At this point, we've outgrown the language, which is why I don't like it in the first place.
We heal when we begin to view ourselves as whole beings who are constantly changing. We heal when we take ownership and responsibility for our actions, even if we used to blame them on one part of us. We heal when we view ourselves as a little less special and a little more like everyone else.