Last week I wrote an article for the Swiss edition of Die Zeit, one of the main German newspapers, about the typical Swiss man. It seemed hard at first because I wasn’t sure that I’d ever met one, but in the same way that most people, particularly the Swiss, have an idea of the stereotypical Englishman (a picture I fail to conform to because I don’t drink tea), so the image of a Swiss male can be drawn. I decided to call him Homo helveticus.
Writing it was fun, but what pleased me most was that my helvetican man idea became the thread for the whole series of articles and the splendid illustrations from Markus Roost: William Tell in Zurich station, Alpöhi (Heidi’s grandfather) on an exercise machine and (pictured here) Geissenpeter with his iPad. That one’s my favourite.
The article was published in German, which you can read here, but for those of you that don’t speak the language of Wagner, this is the original English text:
At first glance, Switzerland appears to be a motherland. It has a feminine article and – more importantly – the popular personifications of Swiss nationhood are distinctly female: Heidi and Helvetia, the two faces of Switzerland. One all sweetness and innocence, the other statuesque and scarily well-armed; together they make a rather accurate picture of how the Swiss like to see their country. The trouble is they are both fictional. To see the real Switzerland, you need to look a little closer and discover that the country is in fact firmly controlled by a very special breed of man: Homo helveticus. Let’s meet him.
First introductions might be rather formal, done because they’re expected rather than desired. But without them, you might never get more than a handshake from him; not only is he a bit shy with strangers but he’s also very protective of his own privacy. Even with introductions done, making conversation can sometimes be as uncomfortable for him as it is for you. Small talk is not his forte, personal details are only reluctantly revealed and leading questions are not welcomed – never ask about his marital status or the cost of his car. Patience is what’s needed, and it will be rewarded in spades: befriend helveticus on his terms and he will open up and stay with you for life. Dependable and loyal, he’s most probably the best friend you will ever find.
As with any race there are significant regional differences, which to the casual observer might seem slight and unimportant. But for those concerned, they are as crucial a part of their own identity as the different languages they speak. The branch of Homo helveticus living south of the Alps is certainly more outgoing and less organised, more spontaneous and less cautious than the majority to the north. A second, slightly larger tribe, to the west likes to be more laissez-faire about problem-solving, happily drinks at lunchtime and openly favours closer ties with neighbouring races. Both branches often find life with the dominant tribe difficult, not least because their view of time, and life in general, is more relaxed. But as much as they might talk about being different, they very obviously belong – and want to belong – to Homo helveticus. To mistake them for another race is a big no-no.
Perhaps the easiest way to become acquainted with the archetypal helveticus male is to look at his life cycle. Its five distinct stages reveal everything you need to know about his behaviour and outlook, his expectations and insecurities. He is very much the product of his geography, his history and his society. In fact, he is Switzerland in human form.
As a boy, we can think of him as Geissenpeter, bounding with energy and carefree enjoyment of simple pleasures. With a mother who pampers him, a father who’s proud of him, and most likely a younger sister who worships him, helveticus junior has little to worry about. The biggest moment on his horizon is his first day at school, when he’ll be encouraged to walk there on his own. But his first real step to Swiss manhood will be getting his own penknife, most likely with his name engraved on it. Only then can he be a proper boy scout, whittling sticks for spearing cervelats and making fires. Perfect training for his main cooking task as an adult: grilling at the barbecue. By the time he’s a teenager, he will have had to make a choice – or have had it made for him: college or an apprenticeship? A decision that will map out the next few years, if not the rest, of his life. He might indulge in minor adolescent rebellions, such as some graffiti or an earring, but his sense of duty and need to conform will eventually prevail. And the most important thing he will learn? How to shoot his gun. In the army, of course.
In his twenties, he has become Roger Federer, the epitome of Swiss manhood. Kind, modest and polite, he is a gentleman who believes in fair play and is rarely ruffled by setbacks. This is a man whose dedication to his goals (and his family) is an example to all and has spent years driving himself be the best at what he does, be that banker, doctor, farmer or engineer. Fearing failure, he rarely takes risks and always seeks perfection; second best is not an option, but neither is bragging about any success. Most likely he moved straight from mother to girlfriend/wife, so is sensitive and considerate but has only the vaguest notion of household chores; he’d rather watch his football team or go hiking with friends. In reality he is more amusing and more interesting, but also less macho and less fashionable, than he thinks. When it comes to toys, he’s still a boy at heart and loves to buy the latest gadgets – and has the money to do just that. Not that he’d ever boast about his acquisitions, and he’s always careful to save a bit every month for the future.
In his forties, we now see Wilhelm Tell, a man who respects authority but hates being told what to do by anyone other than his peers. He is self-confident enough to fight for what he believes in, though his modern weapons of choice are his voice and the ballot box. The three pillars of his life are his work, his family and his free time, and all are clearly defined and equally well-organised. At work, helveticus is dutiful and methodical, particularly with his own paperwork: every course certificate, promotion letter and job reference is carefully saved in a folder. He is averse to confrontation, preferring to seek consensus through compromise, and avoids social situations with colleagues outside the workplace – in fact, he is probably not yet on first-name terms with all of them. At home, he’d like to think he’s more liberal than his father but still secretly loves to arrive home to a cooked meal and clean children. He wants to be the main breadwinner and provide a safe haven of security and stability – the perfect husband and father, as long as he is in charge. At play, he relishes the outdoors, no matter what the season: family skiing in winter, being sporty with his mates in the club, walking in the mountains in summer. Although he sometimes holidays abroad, in his heart he knows that there is no country more beautiful than his own.
In his sixties, he is Alpöhi, the gruff grandfather with a heart of gold – and probably a bank account full of it too. He dotes on his family, gives to deserving charities, and is still physically and socially active; he is as punctual and as efficient with his time as ever, but doesn’t waste any time complaining about anything that he doesn’t agree with. Shaking his head in disbelief is his favourite pastime. The world around him has changed, and often not for the better according to him, but he still believes that the rest of Europe, if not the world, could learn a lot from Switzerland. Not that Switzerland is the place it used to be: it was never the same once women won the vote and all those foreigners arrived. Although he wouldn’t dare say that out loud, he feels more comfortable these days thinking it. All the same, helveticus senior is as proud of his country as he ever was and yet has never shrugged off his inferiority complex, particularly in relation to his brash neighbour, Homo Germanicus.
In his eighties, he will die. His life expectancy isn’t quite as long as the females of his race but is still one of the highest in the world. By dying so late in life he can be proud to have helped Switzerland be a world-leader, in death as in so many other areas. Homo helveticus to the end.