SOS BOOK - Chapter 1.9 Living somebody else's life
Let’s consider a more controversial life lesson (No. 29) which is:
WE ARE TRYING TO LIVE SOMEBODY ELSE’S ‘IDEAL LIFE’.
Unknowingly, thought our childhood & social conditioning, WE SUBCONSCIOUSLY CONCEIVE A CONCEPT OF WHAT ‘OUR IDEAL LIFE’ SHOULD BE.
We usually don’t realise this has occurred, or to what extent. Instead we should utilise our unique individuality and deep knowing regarding this. However, the contrary has been deeply ingrained and conditioned into us. We have been TAUGHT & ENCOURAGED TO FOLLOW EXTERNAL DIRECTIVES, not our own inner cues. This conditioning starts in childhood, from before our first conscious recollections.
What is this subconscious conditioned message? In general, this is: if we want to survive & flourish, for example to be fed, cared for and loved, particularly as an infant, we must fit in.
So, WE LEARN TO FOLLOW RULES, learning how to behave accordingly. We learn to submit to another’s will and then conform to group norms and limits.
This is the next life lesson (No. 30):
WE'VE BEEN SOCIALLY CONDITIONED TO CONFORM
This conditioning to conform to the expectations of others commenced at our birth. In this conditioning process, WE GET REWARDED FOR OUR ABILITY TO CONFORM. Then if we want acceptance & success in our schooling, career and in our social group, we must fit in with the accepted behavior. WE THEREFORE SUBMIT, to a significant degree, to the will and expectations of others.
WE ACCEPT ALL THIS as being ‘totally natural’. As natural as our daily survival or ‘getting on’ with others. That is the nature of our social conditioning. OUR MOTHER'S LOVINGLY TEACH US THIS BEHAVIOUR, to help us ‘fit in’ and ‘to succeed’ in the outside world. This message is often unspoken. A facial expression or a posture might be all that is required to convey this. The subtle withdrawal of love, care or attention is even more powerful.
CONFORMING TO THE GROUP OR CLAN IS ACCEPTED AN IMPORTANT SURVIVAL SKILL. Our mothers want ‘the best’ for us. They want the survival and social success for their offspring. Our freewill, individuality and self-expression usually have a lower priority.
This is the next life lesson (No. 31):
WE ARE CONDITIONED TO COMPLY
We initially learn to comply and conform from our parents and family. As we get older, this is modified by observing our peers. This social conditioning is reinforced by our teachers, our workplace, our community and through media & social network sites. All these influences subtly restrain, limit, homogenise and then mold us into a group norm or to someone else’s expectation. It’s not to our own true image! WE NO LONGER THINK OR BEHAVE LIKE THE PERSON WE INWARDLY YEARN TO BE.
This is related to the next life lesson (No. 32):
IN A SOCIAL GROUP IT IS DANGEROUS TO APPEAR TOO DIFFERENT
If we appear quite different or behave radically, we risk being isolated, criticised or punished by our community or local group. So, WE SETTLE FOR SMALL EXTERNAL DIFFERENCES or cosmetic changes which are ‘acceptable’ or tolerated. We make do with these limited options! We usually suppress our true individuality and real inner needs. Instead, WE JUST PERSONALISE SUPERFICIAL BEHAVIOURS & our external appearance: like our taste in food, fashion or recreation. Or we focus on our cosmetic appearance, even to the extent of tattoos or body piercing.
WE ALSO LEARN TO REBEL ACCEPTABLY by following the latest pop, social, philosophical or political group. There is a perceived strength & acceptance in identifying with other such groups however radical. Yet each such group is similarly constrained. Rarely do we have the courage to seek or stand by our own true individual values.
This is life lesson (No. 33)...
WE EXPRESS SUPERFICIAL DIFFERENCES, BUT INWARDLY WE CONFORM
By demonstrating such small external differences, we hope to satisfy our deep needs…our need to be uniquely special and truly independent. But foremost we seek the attention and admiration of our peers by fitting in and following their set of rules. We especially don’t want to risk rejection by them.
This however leads to the next life lesson (No. 34):
SUPERFICIAL EXPRESSION IS NOT SUFFICIENTLY SATISFYING
Compliance with some group or culture is however not enough to replace or override our unmet inner needs. These group norms are not the real urges, values & differences that we seek to express from our innermost being. Satisfying society's expectations will not appease our INNER YEARNING for TRUE individual expression. This is just applying a superficial dressing to a much deeper hurt… which is left when a true inner need is unfulfilled.
This is the related life lesson (No. 35):
WE YEARN TO EXPRESS OUR OWN TRUE INDIVIDUALITY
Each of us has such a unique and brilliant individuality. It’s a combination of our own genetic code and unique life experience. No one else can quite match this! We are therefore able to excel at something no one else can. We have a unique part to play in the human collective. The diversity of such precious differences should be cherished and utilised by the world.
IF WE WASTE THIS PRECIOUS OPPORTUNITY TO EXPRESS OUR TRUE GIFT, IT COMES AT GREAT COST.
If we ignore our true gift, we personally increase our frustration, waste our energy and delay our fulfillment! But also, Humanity as a collective loses a precious resource.