Teach your child how government works
At first I thought this was humorous; but as I progressed through it, it became more and more disturbing, because even though presented in a satirical manner; a lot of truth surfaces here. . You'll see what I mean. Hey, it only takes you working 170 days now to pay taxes; the rest of the year is yours.
When your child is a little older, you can teach
him about our
tax system in a way that is easy to grasp and will allow him to
understand the benefits. Offer him, say, $10 to mow the lawn.
When he has mowed it and asks to be paid, withhold $5 and
explain that this is income tax. Give $1 of this to his younger
brother, who has done nothing to deserve it, and tell him that
this is "fair" because the younger brother 'needs money too'.
Also, explain that you need the other $4 yourself to cover the
administrative costs of dividing the money and for various other
things you need.
Make him place his $5 in a savings account over which you have
authority. Explain that if he is ever naughty, you will remove the
money from the account without asking him. Also explain how
you will be taking most of the interest he earns on that money,
without his permission. Mention that if he tries to hide the money,
this, in itself, will be evidence of wrongdoing and will result in you
automatically taking the money from him.
Conduct random searches of his room in the small hours of the
morning. Burst in unannounced. Go through all of his drawers and
pockets. If he questions this, tell him you are acting on a tip-off
from a mate of his who casually mentioned that you had both
earned a bit of spare cash last week. If you find it, confiscate all
of that money and also take his stereo and television. Tell him you
are selling these and keeping the money to compensate you for
having to make the raid. Also lock him in his room for a month
as further punishment. When he cries at the injustice of this, tell
him he is being "selfish" and "greedy" and only interested in looking
after his own happiness. Explain that he should learn to sacrifice
his own happiness for other people and that since he cannot be
relied upon or trusted to do this voluntarily, you will use force to
ensure he complies. Later in life he will thank you.
Make as many rules as possible. Leave the reasons for them
obscure. Enforce them arbitrarily. Accuse your child of breaking
rules you have never told him about and carefully explain that
ignorance of your rules is not an excuse for breaking them. Keep
him anxious that he may be violating commands you haven't yet
issued. Instil in him the feeling that rules are utterly irrational.
This will prepare him for living under a democratic government.
He is too young to understand the benefits of democracy, so explain
this wonderful system as follows:
You, your wife and his brother get together and vote that your son
should have all privileges removed, be caned, and confined to his
room for a week. If he protests that you are violating his rights,
patiently explain his error and tell him that the majority have voted
for this punishment and nothing matters except the will of the
majority. When your child has matured sufficiently to understand
how the judicial system works, set a bedtime for him of, say,
10 p.m. and then send him to bed at 9 p.m. When he tearfully
accuses you of breaking the rules, explain that you made the rules
and you can interpret them in any way that seems appropriate to
you, according to changing conditions.
Promise often to take him to the movies or the zoo, and then, at the
appointed hour, recline in an easy chair with a newspaper and tell
him you have changed your plans. When he screams, "but you
promised!", explain to him that it was a campaign promise and hence
Every now and then, without warning, slap your child.
Then explain that this is self defense. Tell him that you must be
vigilant at all times to stop any potential enemy before he gets big
enough to hurt you. This, too, your child will appreciate, not right
at that moment, maybe, but later in life.
If he finds this hard to accept, you can further illustrate the point as
follows. Take him on a trip across town with you, to a strange
neighborhood. Walk into any random house you choose and
start sorting out their domestic problems, using violence if that
is what is required. Make sure you use overwhelming force to
crush the family into submission - this avoids a protracted visit
and becoming involved for long periods of time. Explain to your
son that only a coward stands idly by whilst injustice is happening
across town. Tell him we are all brothers and problems left to
fester will eventually spill over into your neighborhood. Use
some of the $5 you took from your son as bus fare and to
purchase a baseball bat.
Drink a bottle of whisky and then lecture him on the evils of
smoking dope. If he points out your hypocrisy remind him that
the majority of people drink and that, as already explained, the
needs of the majority are the only moral standard.
Break up any meeting between him and more than three of his
mates as being an 'unlawful gathering'.
If he strokes the cat without the cat giving its express permission,
slap him hard for feline harassment.
Mark one designated spot in the yard where he can leave his
bike. If he leaves it anywhere else, padlock it and demand
$50 to release it. If he offends more than three times, confiscate
the bike, sell it, and keep the money.
Install a CCTV system in your son's bedroom and also record all
his telephone conversations. If he protests, accuse him of having
something to hide. Explain that only criminals seek privacy and that
good, dutiful children relinquish their privacy in exchange for the
advantages which protective parenthood offers. Remind him of the
boy across town who was caught smoking dope in his bedroom by
just such a CCTV system, and explain that this case justifies installing
CCTV in all teenagers' bedrooms.
Lie to your child constantly. Teach him that words mean nothing -
or rather that the meanings of words are continually "evolving", and
may be tomorrow the opposite of what they are today.
Have a word with his teachers at school and ask them to share
any merit marks your son achieves, with any ethnic minority
students who did not get any merit marks. If he questions this
policy, explain that long ago we abused the ancestors of these
people, and so it is only fair that he shares the merits around to
compensate their descendants.
This is also probably a good time to tell him that his energy, talent
and enthusiasm will not secure him a job if the quota of such
'abused' people has not yet been filled. Tell him talent stands
for nothing - it is fairness and sharing which are important.
Remind him that his primary duty is the happiness and welfare
of people he does not know, and will never meet.
Ban cutlery from your home and make your son eat with his
fingers. If he asks why, remind him of the youth who stabbed
a cat to death last week with a fork. Explain that if just one cat
is saved by the banning of cutlery, then this prohibition will be
worthwhile. If he protests, question him closely about why he is
intending to kill innocent cats, or accuse him of being a cat hater.
Issue him with a pass card which he must show before he can
enter the house. Stand guard at the front door. When he comes
home, politely but firmly take him into the spare room and
question him about his movements. Ask him how much cash
he has on his person. If in excess of $50, confiscate the lot as
it exceeds the house rule for maximum cash allowed. Then
search his rucksack and pockets. To keep him guessing, do
the occasional strip search. If he protests, detain him for longer
and make the search more thorough. If he gets really angry at
this, hold him in a locked room until he misses his next outing
If these methods sound harsh, I am only being cruel to be kind.
I think it is important for children to understand the nature of the
society in which we live.