While your daughter’s inability to separate from her mother may seem extreme, it is a
normal phase in child development. There are many toddlers who cling to one parent
(usually mom) like a cellophane wrap and any attempts to separate them produces heart
wrenching hysteria. Frequently, a youngster will want one parent over the other. This
usually exhausts the parent in demand and leaves the excluded parent feeling left out.
Stranger anxiety reaches a peak between 15 and 24 months just prior to the development
of real language. When the clinginess is excessive, however, it is important to see what
might be causing it.
A toddler’s greatest fear is separation from their parent. Developmental, the child
realizes that parents come and go. All it takes is one or two frightening experiences by
well-meaning parents and the child becomes desperate to have a parent near at all times.
For example, a mother puts her child to sleep and has to go to the store. She asks a
neighbor to stay with the child until she returns from her shopping. The child awakens
while mom is gone to find a stranger in the house. Frequent episodes like this justify the
youngster’s fear of separation.
Extreme separation anxiety can be a response to other distressing events in the
child’s life such as divorce, death, or the birth of a new sibling. In addition, extended or
repeated hospitalizations and changes in the youngster’s living location can add to a
child’s anxiety. Using threats as punishment (“If you are not good at the store, I am
going to leave you there”) sends the message that abandonment is possible. Parents who
come to their child’s “rescue” every time they cry unknowingly contribute to separation
anxiety. This promotes the youngster’s inability to comfort themselves in times of need.
Parents who have never left their child with a baby sitter or grandparent have never
allowed their youngster to experience separation.
What you should not do:
1. Force the child into the feared situation. Making the child leave her mother will only
increase her fear.
2. Ridiculing her for being a “mama’s girl.” This will not help.
What you can do:
1. Always help your daughter do those things that she can do by herself.
2. The two of you should sit with your daughter and watch a PBS show together. As she
becomes engrossed in the program, have mom leave for 30 seconds to a minute before
returning. This shows the child that mother does go away but always comes back.
3. Get your daughter involved in things that you are doing like making dinner or
cleaning the house. This might be a little difficult at first, but it reassures the child that
even though you are busy, you are always around.
4. Visit a friend who has a child of similar age. Have everyone sit on the floor and play
together. As your child starts in interact with the friend, the two mothers can move
away to a chair where your daughter can see you.
5. Maintain a constant routine so your daughter knows what to expect during the day.
6. Do not always give in to your daughter’s demands. Limit the attention to mom and
try to redirect her attention to another activity.
7. Provide your daughter with separation experiences by leaving her with grandparents
or a baby sitter. First, have the person come to the house one or two times before the
actual separation. Have her spend at least an hour or two playing with your daughter.
When the day arrives for mom to leave, make sure she says goodbye to your daughter.
Never sneak out when she is sleeping. Once mom begins to leave, there is no turning
back, even if she begins to cry hysterically. She will stop crying once you go.
8. Give her a picture of the two of you to hold when you have to go. Sprinkle a little of
mom’s perfume on her favorite blanket or stuffed animal.
In extremely rare cases, a child’s reluctance to stray from a parent’s side may be a
sign of a more serious psychological problem. As she grows older and begins to speak, if
she still experiences panic attacks when leaves her side, consult with your pediatrician.
Referral to a child psychiatrist or psychologist may be in order. Fortunately, for the
majority of kids, clinginess is perfectly normal and only a temporary stage in child