Carol LaScoula was born in 1953 is San Antonio Texas. After a near drowning incident in early childhood, Carol developed an intense fear of water, yet when I met Carol while working as lifeguard at a Senior Swimming Pool I immediately noticed her strong spiritual connection to water. Carol’s freedom, creativity and independence create new methods of aging based in a generative understanding of the body and mind that looks to the future rather than the past. After experiencing major traumas that upended her in every way, Carol gained the initiative to teach herself how to swim as a 56 year old adult. Overcoming her fears gave Carol the confidence to redefine the water as a space for her own mental, spiritual and physical growth. My paper explores the perceptual specificities that make water an ideal space for Carol’s redefinition of herself into a creative and independent phase of life. Carol has given herself the name “Wisest of Crones” during this late phase, identifying her attributes of independence, eccentricity, and magical sensitivity with that of a misunderstood historical icon. I seek to define how Carol’s relationship to an aquatic space has contributed to this phase of agency, and why this is important. In Carol, I found my own sort of iconic feminist figure, whose relationship to her body and self is markedly resistant of the narrative of decline that many older women fall victim to. I use select quotes from Carol to highlight specific phrases and develop the theoretical framework for Carol’s crone-ship throughout the paper. My decision to draw upon the subtleties of Carol’s resistance is inspired by her talent for “understanding between the lines of what people say and do.”
I. Introduction: a word on the aging female body in the aquatic space
Working as a lifeguard gave me the opportunity to spend hours every day carefully observing the ways that people orient their bodies in the space of the public pool. After years of such watching, I had come to understand public pools as a unique site where the private body and its movements become public. The body becomes particularly important as the locus of this mediation. The clothing that usually covers the body in public spaces and marks what is public from what is private is necessarily removed along with the ability to control one’s appearance through particular applications of cosmetics or the grooming of the hair. In addition, the particular abilities a body possesses become public as we call on our bodies to support and orient us within the water. As noted by performance scholar Bree Hadley’s reflections on the influential public sphere theories of Jurgen Habermas, “social performers, spectators, and scripts in day-to-day life thus constitute performative conversations in which people try to create common understandings about the state, status, and meaning of bodies” (Hadley 2). From these conversations, people negotiate what beliefs, behaviors, and attitudes are accepted publically and these understandings are mapped back onto our institutions.
The requirements of the public pool force a hyperconsideration of self presentation that can either be stifling or liberating for a body. If that body happens to be female, it is subject to an even more intense form of spectatorship. In this context, I notice the emergence of tensions between the body presented as an object to be viewed and the body as an instrument for phenomenological exploration and physical survival in the speech and motions of the swimmers I observe. These tensions become especially acute on the aging women, whose bodies have lost their place within the Western patriarchy that values youth at the cost of old age. This preference is emphasized further for the youth of women, whose youth is culturally valued through sexual objectification and biologically important through participation in the reproductive cycle (Woodward 12-13).
One of the locations where I would work most frequently as a lifeguard was a small pool at a Senior Recreation Center publically open to people over the age of 60. The pool was very small, not full sized. A single lifeguard would sit in a regular chair by the pools’ edge for the day’s entire opening hours. The intimate architecture coupled with the low intensity floating favored by older bodies made it common for swimmers to carry on conversations with whoever was present, lifeguards included, for the duration of their time in the water. During these conversations, the apologetic rhetoric older women used when speaking about their bodies struck me, as did their attentiveness to the visual appearance of their bodies on aesthetic terms. My own youth and beauty often became a topic of conversation. Inquiries into my personal life often centered around my relationship status and consequently, my position towards the next phase of my life- motherhood. The three primary stages of the female archetype-maiden, mother, and crone- are indeed determined by a woman’s position within the reproductive cycle. The maiden is most visible within the capitalist Western culture that values youth at the expense of old age, while the aged female is understood on largely negative terms, “characterized by an obsession with appearance that signifies nostalgia for earlier stages of life in an attempt to remain valuable and visible” (Woodward 5). The women’s concern over their physical appearance in the aquatic space can be understood as an attempt to salvage the aged body that has suddenly become unusually visible via the self-exposure required by swimming. At the same time, these behaviors could also be understood as socially required mediations with the stigma of the body in decline that were often channeled through self-deprecating humor shared between women in a social space they shared.
Whether in painful sincerity or in affable humor, the ubiquity of self-deprecating attitudes and the reservations older female swimmers exhibited towards their bodies is perhaps what made Carol’s understated independence and unapologetic command of aquatic space so striking.
This woman would come in and walk straight to the deep end of the pool. Her smiles and greetings were gentle and sincere, but she wouldn’t fully engage with other swimmers. While other swimmers would hover in the shallow end and chat, Carol would undertake an elaborate and structured set of movements that were at once unrestrained in their focus and intensity as well as being calmly self-possessed in terms of their specific formal execution. Most striking of all was the look that remained on Carol’s face for the duration of her exercises. With eyes ever-closed and lips returning to a slight smile between breaths, her saint like expression of peace was so complete that at times it verged upon ecstasy. I wanted to know more about this woman and her evidently deep relationship to the water.
II. LEARNING TO SWIM
“My son shot himself and people say, ‘I just can’t imagine that.’ But you know what? When you’re in it, there’s just nothing else. You either take yourself out of here, *motions with hands to the indefinite space before her* or you go on, you know? Whichever way it is, you’re sort of hurtling through life.
*breathes deeply* And that gets me exactly, by accident, maybe kind of on purpose, to water. That’s what it makes me think about when I’m in water.
I’ve hurled myself through life. Maybe kind of helter skelter sometimes. Maybe not always carefully, or diligently, or through the, the carefulness of my parents, my mom, or my aunts and uncles, or anyone who really cared about me…that is, carefully and really looking and weighing everything that I’ve done- but I’ve gotten through. I’ve gotten through to a good place. And uh, it may not be that much further down the line that I will be faced with another challenge. But I will say that I am now at a place emotionally, spiritually, and actually physically healthy.
And swimming has done that. “
“The first time (I came close to drowning) I was 3 or 4 and I remember it very clearly. And my sister was…she is about nineteen months older than I am. We (my mother, sister, and I) were in out in the water in Texas and the water was crystal clear in this particular place we were in… and that color gives you that feeling of ‘just freedom’ … at least it did for me. But we got caught in a whirlpool. And the whirlpool just brought us under. And it kept bringing us under. It would pull my mom under and then we would be able to come back up for a second. We were clinging to her so she would try to throw us out away from her and we would naturally try to swim back to her for our safety. And, we were drowning. Period. We were gulping. We were taking on a lot of water. We were extra weight. My sister and I were on either side of mama. We were splashing. It was the typical summertime thing that so easily it could have been a tragedy. And um, a guy came and brought me and my sister out and saved our lives. And went back for my mom. So that was the first time.”
The trauma of this incident instilled an intense fear of water within Carol that kept her from swimming for over fifty years of her life. She made many attempts to overcome her fear of the water, but she was never able to overcome the memory of her near drowning- until she began to drown upon land. After the tragic suicide of her son, which followed her husband’s earlier suicide, Carol sank into a deep depression. Her therapist recommended over and over again that she begin to learn how to swim. One day Carol took her advice and went to the pool. She was determined to overcome her fear of water, and she did it- all by herself.
“So um, can you talk about what went on when you were teaching yourself to swim? What were some moments you might remember when you felt like, ‘I can do this now’ ?”
“I think the technique of, closing my eyes and knowing when the water was going to come over my face. Often when there weren’t very many people in the pool, I would do it like I didn’t know how to see because that way, I would have to rely on water touching my face and just instantly holding my breath, like a baby does, when you first teach it how to swim. They just automatically go under the water and hold their breath. So, as I was practicing, I seemed to be finding my own natural instincts about water and when to hold my breath. And that was my fear- not knowing when to hold my breath or gulping down water. But when I found a certain rhythm… there’s a fabulous rhythm of breathing and having everything that’s supposed to work, when you’re trying to teach somebody how to swim its so much going on that you might take for granted if you’re someone who has known how to swim for a long time. “
Having found this wonderful rhythm in the water gave Carol the momentum to find a rhythm outside of the water. The confidence she gained by conquering her fears gave her a sense of agency that helped her manage and overcome the depression of her losses and the physical pain of medical conditions that had caused her physical health to in tandem, decline.
III. GENERATION AND RESISTENCE: MEDITATIVE TRANSFORMATIONS In water, we find a physical and psychological space to challenge ourselves to overcome what defines and limits on dry land. The ability to overcome a fear that had been limiting to Carol gave her the confidence to begin the transformation she needed to survive the dual traumas of her husband and son’s suicides. At this phase of her life, Carol needed a way to redefine herself for herself only. Within the water, we are bound up in and by ourselves. It is particularly important that Carol taught herself how to swim. Within the water Carol’s self definition continues. She developed her own system of aquatic exercise based on her body’s individual needs. Carol makes a clear distinction between swimming and other established ‘exercise’. She insists on the importance of senior swimmers having the free space to develop their own spaces within the water.
“I think its wonderful that they give us a free swim time. That is, without an instructor. And the reason that being is that if you have your own, and quite a few ladies that come up here and I’m sure some of the gentlemen but actually more ladies have come, I’ve noticed, we all seem to have our own sense of what our bodies need.And that’s the wonderful part is that when you have the free swim, that’s exactly what we get to do. “
Instead of an established form of self-disciplining, her swimming exercises are creative meditations that engage the mind, body, and spirit in unison. Each exercise is based on the movements of some other object or animal that she channels with her whole being. Carol designs repetitive gestures based on the movements or attributes of a specific underwater animal while targeting specific parts her body to accomplish the physical benefits that she needs. Each of these movement sequences involves total mediation upon the underwater creature from which it is derived. One of Carol’s favorite exercises is called ‘the manatee’.
“I love the manatee for it’s great gentleness anyway. Also because of it’s girth, it’s size…if it were on land, it would feel how I used to feel when I was overweight. In my efforts to release that weight, I channeled the darling manatee….There is a certain exercise I do in the water. I will go up and down- and if it looks like anything like a manatee to anyone else I don’t care- to me, I feel like a manatee that is surfacing and breaking and then going back under… or maybe even a whale… but the manatee is so gentle. And it doesn’t hurt anybody. And it eats plants. And since I’m a gardener… that worked. And yeah, I would actually channel the manatee and that would help me release any fear I still had of anybody looking or whatever. And imagining the clear waters in Florida, which is not that hard when you see the colors of the water… to imagine the sunlight filtering through the water.
The language Carol uses to describe her transformations pose her weight loss as a generative practice rather than an attempt to reduce her body down to a form that society finds more acceptable. Rather than shrinking her body to take up less space, Carol is expanding her borders beyond herself, and engaging in a generative creative practice over which she has total agency. She understands her body, even her overweight body, as one essential part of herself rather than as a package that defines her. There is specific and evocative language Carol uses to describe the transformation of her body that took place when she taught herself to swim. Carol uses the same language when describing the transformation that took place inside as she grew confident in the water. There is a particularity to her choice to phrase her transformations as a “release”. Carol chooses to “release” the extra weight she gained during her depression, to “release” her fear of water. It is as if she is able, finally, to decisively let go of these burdens, borne away by the gentle carriage of the water. That the water itself provides Carol the space for transformation is no accident. The particular phenomenological qualities of the aquatic space align with Carol’s advanced perceptual sensitivities and imaginative powers to create an ideal space for generation and transformation.
IV. THE PRIMACY OF PERCEPTION
Before I ever spoke to Carol, I felt as though Carol carried some heightened sense towards the subtleties of the sensory world. Although she was always dressed in the same simple utilitarian bodysuit, I was puzzled by not only the grace of her movement, but by the aesthetic harmony of her appearance. There was no sense of showiness to her appearance, yet I remember the acute feeling of visual harmony I felt whenever Carol appeared from the locker rooms. Her apparent lack of vanity and self-consciousness obscured the fact that this sense of visual harmony was a result of Carol’s own doing. I still remember the initial hint of intention I noticed.
One afternoon, as Carol floated upon her back, she laid her hands across her stomach. In that instant I was surprised to notice a pink polish on her folded fingers that perfectly matched the color I had not yet noticed upon her smiling lips. This pink shade was perfectly complementary not only to the royal blues of her suit, but also to the turquoise of the pool water. After speaking with Carol, I was unsurprised to find that she has always felt a special appreciation to color. Throughout our following conversations, she continued intonations of the colors, feelings and sounds of the water. Her very method of teaching herself to swim involved a form of acute sensory focus on only the water washing across her face. By closing her eyes and allowing herself into this sensory experience she was able to find a way to understand the subtle tendencies of the water’s movement and her own natural reactions. Her vivid descriptions of this memory are one example of a generally heightened attention to the sonic, visual, or even gravitational details of experience. These details illustrate a highly sensitive phenomenological understanding and engagement with the world that meshes in profound ways with the proven benefitsof aquatic submersion. The use of sensory deprivation and floatation for improvement of fibromyalgia, depression (conditions Carol suffers from) have been scientifically proven. In addition, the experience of aquatic immersion aids in meditation and can even bring on natural hallucinations.
Carol, who meditates and visualizes regularly, emphasizes the sensory experience of being encompassed in water as central to her relationship with the aquatic space. She has preferences for temperature, light, smell, and even wears earplugs to keep the ambient voices of other swimmers from “bothering” her. She uses precise language to describe the qualities of each body of water she encounters in her life. Clear water is of utmost importance. The foreboding murkiness of childhood lakes in Texas manifests itself in fear of any unclear water- a possible host to the unknown. On the contrary, Carol considers the clear brilliant turquoise of the Caribbean to be an invitation to total freedom. Her attraction to this color was the basis of a Caribbean cruise she and her husband took for the very purpose of overcoming her fear of water. Although their mission was unsuccessful at the time, Carol still wonders “if the swimming pool color was chosen as a sort of Carribbean blue” since “something about that color just makes you want to dive in.”
The water’s color is but one of my sensory elements that Carol finds appealing. The altered sense of gravity and sound creates an otherworldly space where the tensions of this world fall away. Isolated within this space Carol builds her own worlds where her body’s experience supports the fantastic transformations she desires. The creation of these fantasy spaces involves a degree of sensory deprivation and even isolation.
V. THE SALIENCE OF SOLITUDE: ECCENTRICITY
Although she is aware of the social benefits that public pools provide to many of her peers, Carol prefers to isolate herself from the conversations and relationships of other regular pool attendees. Carol is socially capable and well-liked, but her routines rely on a sort of suspension of reality that doesn’t permit for others. Carol is unashamed of her independence and eccentricity.
“As I have come of age, I tend to prefer the company of my own lovely cocoon, four footed furry animalitos, bats, birds, butterflies and fairy folken, uhhh, to that of most human creatures. I am a magpie for anything that sparkles and shines and openly admit to having seen a ghost and a wonder garden of fairies. My friends are angels because they accept me as I am.”
Although Carol’s existence within the realm of the supernatural or new age is certainly interesting and central to her self concept, I chose to avoid focusing my questions on Carol’s unorthodox beliefs for several reasons. Her beliefs were expansively eclectic to a degree that felt personal beyond what is communicable on terms that others could understand. Although I personally give credence to phenomena many may find supernatural, I am aware of the difficulty of qualifying and communicating one’s beliefs as well as the alienating effect of feeling misunderstood. I chose instead to focus on the heightened powers of perception that actually enable Carol see what others don’t.
A specific moment during one of our conversations illustrates the way a focal shift towards Carol’s perceptual strength contributes to an understanding of beliefs that some may find difficult to understand. During this interview, Carol was showered and fully dressed in a casual yet aesthetically unified manner. She wore a pendant with a beautiful stone and uncut stone around her neck. Towards the end of the interview, I asked her what kind of stone it was that hung on the pendant around her neck. She explained that the stone was Drusy quartz. I was hesitant to ask the question that followed, because although I understand how belief in crystal powers can aid in manifesting them, I am highly skeptical of the belief that certain rocks have the wide range of effects ascribed to them by those who wish to sell them for money. However, I asked Carol if the stone had particular meaning or power for her. Carol explained that the stone gave her insight into things that go unsaid, aiding in perception. Carol maintained that when people see a stone they are drawn to, it is usually the case that when one researches the properties of the stone their initial indications to the stone’s powers are correct. Yet Carol’s following statements indicate that stone’s meanings are not, in fact, “set in stone”, but indeed have phenomenological basis in the same manner as do the meanings of colors.
“It doesn’t mean that pink is just, the girl color. You know it means that what has been found and how it has been found is that it’s the color of love and care and gentility. When you think about it we came from red and pink. It’s like on the inside of a womb. Of course it’s dark but that’s what you’re birthed through. And so is the life’s blood -its red.”
By evoking the symbolic power of birth, Carol universalizes a subjective experience while simultaneously recognizing its subjectivity. Her example provides a framework for understanding how she may frame her own subjective experiences, which is especially useful given the special value she gives to what is “between the lines of what people say and do”. Carol’s womb signification becomes especially salient when contextualized amongst the myriad references to birthing and maternity she recounts during our conversations. In finishing, I wish to examine Carol’s relationship to motherhood in a final investigation of her identification as a “crone”.
VI. FROM MOTHER TO CRONE
As an archetype of an old woman, the “crone” has a complicated legacy. Negative associations are as old as the word itself, which was derived from an old Anglo-French word for a disagreeable old woman, carogne, literally meaning ‘carrion’ (Online Etymology Dictionary). Over the centuries, the word began to take on some positive meanings as well. The crone is also seen a wise woman whose proximity to death gives her occult wisdom. In certain wiccan or pagan circles, the crone represents the last of the three stages of a woman’s life. The crone stage is associated with greater freedom, wisdom, and personal power than the previous two stages, which are maidenhood and motherhood. In spite of, or perhaps because of her power, the crone is always a marginalized figure who does not fit in with society but uses her powers to subvert it. Through this lens, the crone provides contemporary women with a strong and storied model for aging when few such icons exist.
Carol’s personal identification with the crone archetype represents a transition into an age of creativity, wisdom and solitude. By taking on the name“Wisest of Crones,” Carol identifies positively with her late stage of life, actively resisting the narrative of decline. Although no longer sexually reproductive, the crone insists on remaining productive through craft and culture. Carol’s transition into this crone phase of life aligns with and is onset when she teaches herself how to swim. In this act, Carol transforms water from a realm of fear and exclusion into a world where she is able to create her own personal ideal spaces for the healing and regeneration of her body, mind, and spirit. The importance of transition from mother to crone is underscored by the trauma of her son’s suicide. Her identification as mother remains within Carol. Carol’s stories almost all involve either her time as a mother or the influence of her own mother upon Carol. She explains events of her life through frequent references to her maternity. For example, her understanding of the innate comfort of aquatic immersion draws upon recollections of the womb.
“I think we are all called back to the water. We are called back to the sea, and it’s a very close comparison to that when so many people are swimming in the pool. It creates the waves. And when you’re floating on the top and that water is supporting you, it is that gentle rocking. Especially in the deep end. It’s like a mother holding a child. Or being in the womb. And it’s unspoken.”
Carol’s active self- identification as “crone” is evidence of a radical self-acceptance based in a conscious recognition of the qualities she shares with this archetype. The freedom and yielding nature of the water unleashes Carol’s innate creativity and sensitivity to phenomena at the limits of perception. She engages in transformative practices of meditational channeling that reperform echoes of the initial transformation that took place when she taught herself to swim. Carol develops her confidence and prospective powers of growth every time she visits the pool.
The sensory effects of aquatic submersion upon the mind and body provide Carol with a perfect space to hone her powers of signification as well as healing her from the physical and emotional conditions that limit her on land. Carol’s resistance against the narratives of decline and shame in appearance that are common markers of old age in women sets her apart from others and necessitates a new master identity of independence beyond her former identification as mother. She provides a refreshing new model for