Dr. Sally Porter Ross is a Houston psychologist who drives the Middle Lane on Wednesdays. Today she writes about our treatment of our own life stories, and the positive or negative spins we choose to give them. Read on:
“If I’d played a sport in high school, I don’t think that I would feel so much like a loser today. And another bad choice I made back then: maybe I shouldn’t have turned in Al for cheating on a final exam. He never hung out with me after that.” Pete looked dejected as he recounted choices he’d made in his past, choices he saw now as big mistakes back then.
“I really should have been accepted into law school. I was definitely smart enough. And my life would be totally different if I’d had that chance to become an attorney. Of course, my parents didn’t help. If they’d given me extra money to hire a tutor or at least supported me financially while I studied for the LSAT, I know that I could have gotten a much higher score. It’s true that they weren’t rich, but it wouldn’t have killed them to have taken out a loan or something to help me.” Karen looked disgusted as she described how shortchanged she’d been in her life.
Pete and Karen are prime examples of how we see our past being a real determinant of how we’re experiencing our present. To illustrate this, let’s take another look at Pete’s stories. The reality behind them was that Pete joined a “Help for the Homeless” group at his church which took up much of his after-school hours, leaving no time for sports. But Pete loved that church group and made many lasting friendships there. As for Pete’s story about turning in a classmate who was cheating, Pete hadn’t taken a look at the “What if?” aspect of the situation. What if Pete had seen Al cheating and had done nothing about it? Knowing Pete’s strong moral code, he would probably feel terrible about not having done the “right thing.”
Karen’s accounts of how deprived she was demonstrate not only an unhelpful narrative (self-story), but also, unfortunately, a strong self-centered streak she needs to recognize and overcome. Seeing law school as the ticket to a fabulous life is a real stretch, as most attorneys will tell you. And, blaming her parents for not making significant financial sacrifices to help her, is especially unfair, as they had already given her quite a bit in her life, including private high school and college educations, neither of which was cheap.
Working with Pete and Karen on viewing their histories from a different perspective made all the difference in how they feel today. Pete now focuses on how great he felt when he worked with the homeless and how glad he is that he had the courage to turn in a cheater in high school. And Karen now sees the totality of a career in law, recognizing both the positive and the negative aspects. When she thinks about how her parents raised her, she’s thankful that they gave her as much as they did, rather than focusing on why they didn’t do more.
Take a look at your narrative. When you think back over your life are you mostly aware of the times you failed or were shortchanged or made the wrong choice? If so, make yourself, perhaps with the help of a friend or family member who knew you back then, change your life story. Revising how you see your past can make all the difference in how you experience your present.