The older they get, the more independent they get. For adolescents, the world revolves around the friendship circle. While you can’t choose friends for your children, you can teach them how to choose wisely. Some parents don’t get involved until it’s too late, when they desperately want their children to stop hanging out with bad influences. This may be accomplished, but the problem may return when the child meets someone similar. It’s more valuable to teach children about what a good friend means, rather than seek control over each individual peer of choice. You can start by asking your children to make a list of qualities that make up a “good friend” and helping them think about it objectively.
When discussing specific peers in their life, you can use the following questions as a screener:
Good Friend Checklist
- Are you able to be yourself around them?
- Do they make you feel good about yourself?
- Do you have interests and hobbies in common?
- Do you take turns being leader and follower?
- Would you stand up for each other?
- Do they want to help you when you’re upset?
- Do they listen when you need to talk about your feelings?
- Do they respect you when you say “no”?
- Can you work it out together when you have a fight?
If most of the answers are “yes”, the friendship is likely to be a positive one and hopefully boosts self-esteem. If most of the answers are “no”, the friendship could lead to insecurity and poor decision-making and should be re-considered. The “no” answers can also help identify which skills may need to be taught or strengthened.