Breaking Jokes
BREAKING NEWS ! Mary Poppins will no longer be endorsing 'Rimmel Vibrant Shades' lipstick - she claims it "breaks too easily" and it "makes her breath smell".
She gave the following statement:
"The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis"..
Breaking News: Brilliant scientists managed to find the last digit of pi.
They found it by writing the whole number on your mom's belly.
What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?
The shovel
BREAKING: Matthew McConaughey Announces Gubernatorial Run
When asked regarding his political leanings, McConaughey stated to a reporter that his views were "all right all right all right."
Italy is planning to launch 2 new communications satellites in the next year.
They're named Data-1 and Dissa-1.
Authorities uncover fraudulent claims from the makers of dandruff shampoo stating "This just scratches the surface!"
BREAKING: New Study Shows Getting Hit in the Testicles is More Painful than Childbirth
After childbirth 34% of women said "Yes" they would like to have another child.
After getting hit in the testicles ~0% of men said "Yes" they'd like to do that again.
Anybody caught breaking rule will be fined....
The first day of university and Dean addressing the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "A...
In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down.
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn't even finished coloring the second one.
Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.
Also,...
Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.
Denial.
Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...
BREAKING NEWS! R. Kelly has…
Tested positive for she-wasn't 19
The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one.
Doctor breaking the news
A patient is at the doctors office, it is the end of his appointment and he is discussing the results with his doctor. The doctor says: "Why don't you go downstairs to the vending machine and buy yourself a drink on me, this next bit of news might be tough to hear." The doctor rummages around his po...
4 guys meet in hell. A Bodybuilder, a Muslim, a Buddhist monk, and an American.
Satan comes over, whip in hand, and says:
-Those who endure 10 whiplashes can go to Heaven, the rest will stay here in Hell!
The American glances at the bodybuilder and is about to argue when Satan interrupts him,
-Everyone can choose 1 thing to place at your back a...
Some breaking English football news.
Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,
club doctors confirm.
There's no way they can catch anything..
An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...
An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"
The others ...
A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses
His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it's basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.
Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he "accidentally" sat on them.
He broke my secon...
How do you throw an egg againts a brick wall without breaking it?
It doesn't matter, there is no way an egg would actually break brick wall.
Breaking News: The CEO of IKEA has been elected Prime Minister of Sweden.
He's currently assembling his cabinet.
MY gf said we where breaking up , i was confused
Then i went out and the signal was lot clearer
[BREAKING NEWS] There's been a kidnapping at Lakewood Elementary School today
It's ok, he woke up.
Breaking news: Germany is advising people to stock up on sausages and cheese.
This is starting to look like the Wurst Käse scenario.
Paddy the farmer gets a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions...
Paddy O'Sullivan, an elderly, frugal Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview all of them.
On the appointed day, the inspector...
Mick Jagger and Keith Richards were arrested for allegedly breaking into a Spanish man's house
They reportedly took some of his belongings (only what they could carry). When the police asked the homeowner about it, he said "They took what they could, but then.... The Rolling Stones gathered no más."
Heaven is overcrowded, so Saint Peter has to come up with a plan.
His plan is, that he will only allow people who died in an interesting way through the Pearly Gates. There are three guys arriving at the same time, so Saint Peter goes to the first and says: "My son, heaven is overcrowded, I will only let you enter if you died in an interesting way."
The guy s...
A panda walked into the restaurant where I work as a server.
He came in, found a table and sat down. Hesitantly, I approached and took his order. He ordered sooo much food. He ordered at least one of every entree. I faithfully took notes and read them back to him. Satisfied, he sent me away to give the orders to the kitchen staff.
I took a detour to ask m...
I was talking to someone about Breaking Bad and they asked me if I remembered who Hector Salamanca was, I told them that he rings a bell
Breaking News - Devon and Cornwall Music Festival
The Devon and Cornwall Music Festival due to take place this weekend has had to be cancelled. They couldn't decide who to put on first, The Jam or Cream
An army sergeant lines up his men for their final ultimate test of patriotism
Sergeant: "Men! Do you love your wives?!"
Men: "Sir yes sir!"
Sergeant: "Do you love your country even more?!"
Sergeant: "Would you sacrifice anything for your country?!"
Men: "Sir yes sir!!!"
Sergeant: "Right men. In each of those huts o...
I decided against breaking into the Home Depot to steal their largest egg beater...
It was too big a whisk
Almost married...
A couple years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but le...
BREAKING NEWS Thieves have allegedly broken into the laboratory at Pfizer to try and steal the new Covid-19 vaccine...
They apparently took a case of viagra instead. The police are looking for a group of hardened criminals.
Breaking News: police station toilet stolen
Cops have nothing to go on.
Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands
to make a Penis Enhancer.....They will call it
ELONGATES
The United Kingdom is breaking up!
Soon it will be the Untied Kingdom.
My girlfriend messaged me to say she's breaking up with me because I'm too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away
That'll teach her
John is arrested for breaking windows, found insane, and sent to an asylum. At entry they ask him, What do you want to do?
I want to break all your windows!
After a month they i try again and get the same answer. Another 6 months and still all he will say is,
I want to break all...
I tried to translate and adapt one of my favorite jokes. Hope it works.
A Mexican gunslinger were hired to kill an old American lady who was deaf in one ear. The man put his two silver revolvers in the holster at his waist, put his bullet belt around his chest, took his lucky sombrero and went to the lady's house in the United States.
In front of the woma...
Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.
All involved were rushed to the ICU
A guy said to his girlfriend before breaking up, "A relationship is like a fart."
"How is that?" She mockingly said.
He then replied, "If you have to force it, it's probably crap anyway."
Some protestors are breaking into congress
I hear it is a capitol offense
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car...
The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.
Driver: "how so?"
Policeman: "what car are you driving?"
Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"
Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"
Driver: "...
BREAKING NEWS: There was an explosion at the local cheese factory!
Da Brie is everywhere.
Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.
The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.
My boyfriend was breaking up with me and started to walk out the door
So I jammed my knee into his stomach.
"You can't leave, I kneed you"
The year is 1939, Soviet troops are marching on Finland
As they cross the border, the general hears a Finnish voice just over a hill saying "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!".
The general laughs and sends 10 soldiers to take the hill, after a minute or so of gunfire, the same voice says "one Finnish soldier is better than 1...
BREAKING: A new drug is being trialled to increase semen output.
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