Vin and Scotty: Standing up for love
It started with a simple message from an online dating site, where Scotty asked Vin if he was a "foodie". "At first, I was offended," Vin said, admitting associating being asked if he's a foodie with his figure. For Scotty, though, it was a way to tell Vin that "I found him cute." When the two finally met, they ended up liking each other, so that they eventually moved in together and are now looking at forming their own family.
Jonathan Orbuda
It started with a simple message from an online dating site, where Scotty – an American living in Atlanta, Georgia – asked Vin – who grew up in the Philippines before moving to work as an architect in Atlanta – if he was a "foodie".
"At first, I was offended," Vin recalled with a smile. "(I associated being asked if I'm a) foodie with my figure."
For Scotty, though, it was a way to tell Vin that "I found him cute."
The chats continued; eventually leading to a date.
It was after the celebration of New Year, in the middle of winter, when Vin flew back from family vacation in Virginia to Atlanta. They decided to meet "on a cold night with freezing winds".
"Our first date was in a sushi restaurant," Scotty said. That night, for him, "marked the start of a very special connection."
And from Day 1, Vin and Scotty were inseparable; so that months later, the two – in love and happy waking up in each others' arms every day – moved in together. "I (now) live with Scotty and two adorable Russian Blue cats named Housey and Cherry," Vin said.
The interests of the two aren't necessarily (always) the same.
"My hobbies include riding my bike, truck and I take nutrition and fitness very seriously," Scotty said. "I love summer and fall, so I like spending time in the beach and the mountains."
As for Vin, "I love painting and cooking."
A "common ground", if you may, is the love for going to the gym.
"We plan to stay together for many years to come," said Scotty.
In fact, they already introduced each other to their respective families. Fortunately, they haven't encountered objections regarding their relationship, since both their families, as well as their employers "embrace diversity and the LGBT community."
The two are aware of their "privilege" – i.e. as Scotty said that since they are in the US, "we are free to marry if we choose."
As such, they encourage other LGBT people, particularly those in places where their human rights are not respected, to "fight for it."
"Love is unconditional. I never thought that I would fall in love with someone who is very different from me," Vin said. And so "we encourage everybody to fight for LGBT (people's) right to love. Someday, hopefully Filipino (LGBT people) can marry."
As for Scotty, since even LGBT people love, just as heterosexual people do, "we only want to live 'normal', as straight couples who are in love do."
And at least with each other, being with someone you love is the norm for Vin and Scotty.
Related Topics:#ComeOutforLove#EqualLove#LoveisLovePH#LoveWinsfinding lovegay Atlantagay manilalgbtLGBT PhilippinesLGBT relationships
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Jonathan D. Orbuda, an Economics graduate, was a writer in college, when he served as a section editor (from 2007 to 2008) of The Pillar. Not surprisingly, after completing his degree, he ended up blogging, detailing his travels (sans much of the frills). He also established "Cute Pinoy", an online social networking site for Filipino gay and bi men, eyeing to inspire closet gays to come out and learn to embrace themselves. Since finishing his schooling, he already worked for a bank and the BPO industry, among others. But his passion remains writing, and so he now travels as much as he can to discover what this world (and life) has to offer. As he keeps stressing: "I honestly don't want to be rich; I just want to fly and be free."
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Contrary to earlier concerns, a UNIGE study has shown that people who met their partners on dating applications have often stronger long-term relationship goals, and that these new ways of meeting people encourage socio-educational and geographical mixing.
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As dating apps escalated in popularity, so has criticism about them encouraging casual dating only, threatening the existence of long-term commitment, and possibly damaging the quality of intimacy. There is no scientific evidence, however, to validate these claims.
Now a study by the University of Geneva (UNIGE), Switzerland – and which was published in the journal PLOS ONE – indicate that app-formed couples have stronger cohabitation intentions than couples who meet in a non-digital environment.
What is more, women who found their partner through a dating app have stronger desires and intentions to have children than those who found their partner offline. Despite fears concerning a deterioration in the quality of relationships, partners who met on dating apps express the same level of satisfaction about their relationship as others.
Last but not least, the study shows that these apps play an important role in modifying the composition of couples by allowing for more educationally diverse and geographically distant couples.
"The Internet is profoundly transforming the dynamics of how people meet," confirms Gina Potarca, a researcher at the Institute of Demography and Socioeconomics in UNIGE's Faculty of Social Sciences. "It provides an unprecedented abundance of meeting opportunities, and involves minimal effort and no third-party intervention."
These new dating technologies include the smartphone apps like Tinder or Grindr, where users select partners by browsing and swiping on pictures. These apps, however, have raised fears: "Large parts of the media claim they have a negative impact on the quality of relationships since they render people incapable of investing in an exclusive or long-term relationship. Up to now, though, there has been no evidence to prove this is the case," continues Dr. Potarca.
Facilitated encounters
The Geneva-based researcher decided to investigate couples' intentions to start a family, their relationship satisfaction and individual well-being, as well as to assess couple composition. Dr. Potarca used a 2018 family survey by the Swiss Federal Statistical Office. The analysis presented in this study looks at a sub-sample of 3,235 people over the age of 18 who were in a relationship and who had met their partner in the last decade.
Dr. Potarca found that dating websites – the digital tools for meeting partners that preceded apps – mainly attracted people over the age of 40 and / or divorcees who are looking for romance.
"By eliminating lengthy questionnaires, self-descriptions, and personality tests that users of dating websites typically need to fill in to create a profile, dating apps are much easier to use. This normalized the act of dating online, and opened up use among younger categories of the population."
Searching for a lasting relationship
Dr. Potarca sought to find out whether couples who met on dating apps had different intentions to form a family. The results show that couples that formed after meeting on an app were more motivated by the idea of cohabiting than others.
"The study doesn't say whether their final intention was to live together for the long- or short-term, but given that there's no difference in the intention to marry, and that marriage is still a central institution in Switzerland, some of these couples likely see cohabitation as a trial period prior to marriage. It's a pragmatic approach in a country where the divorce rate is consistently around 40%."
In addition, women in couples that formed through dating apps mentioned wanting and planning to have a child in the near future, more so than with any other way of meeting.
But what do couples who met in this way think about the quality of their relationship? The study shows that, regardless of meeting context, couples are equally satisfied with their lives and the quality of their relationship.
Couples with a diverse socio-educational profile
The study highlights a final aspect. Dating apps encourage a mixing of different levels of education, especially between high-educated women and lower educated men. Partners having more diversified socio-educational profiles "may have to do with selection methods that focus mainly on the visual," says the researcher. Since users can easily connect with partners in their immediate region (but also in other spaces as they move around), the apps make it easier to meet people more than 30 minutes away – leading to an increase in long-distance relationships.
"Knowing that dating apps have likely become even more popular during this year's periods of lockdown and social distancing, it is reassuring to dismiss alarming concerns about the long-term effects of using these tools," concludes Dr. Potarca.
92% of people agreed that the wrong pick-up line can be enough to put them off someone and swipe left. This means there is a need to know what kinds actually work.
Photo by Thiago Barletta from Unsplash.com
Due to nationwide lockdowns, more singletons than ever have turned to dating apps to seek a partner, often resorting to dodgy pick-up lines and dreadful jokes in the hopes of scoring themselves a date.
But which one gives you the best chance of receiving a swipe right?
ManySpins.com did a research on this.
In the hopes of digging deeper and finding out why some pick-up lines are more effective than others, Manyspins.com surveyed 4,320 users to uncover their views.
To start, when asked 'Do you like pick-up lines?', 86% of participants said that they do and only 14% disagreed. This goes to show that your dating success is down to your choice of pick-up line.
Now, 92% of participants agreed that the wrong pick-up line can be enough to put them off someone and swipe left. This means there is a need to know what kinds actually work.
What kinds of pick-up lines are the surveyed users most likely to swipe right on? Consider the following response:
Cheesy/corny (77%)
Romantic (71%)
Funny (62%)
Straightforward (56%)
Dirty (34%)
Taking a range of pickup lines that fit into these different categories, Manyspins.com then took to Tinder to see which is most likely to get a response.
As stated, if you're looking for a new pick-up line for your dating app bio, Manyspins.com found that old cheesy classics work best. The pickup line that receives the most matches is "I'd say God bless you, but it looks like he already did" maintaining an impressive response rate of 80.4%.
With more people taking their search for love more seriously, using the classic "I think I've seen you before. You look a lot like my next boyfriend/girlfriend" appears to work a treat as this pick-up line leads to a respectable 79.4% success rate.
It seems that pick-up lines hinting of a potential future, are a hit when it comes to securing those right swipes, the profiles that used the pickup lines "So, when our friends ask how we met, what are we going to tell them?" and "You don't know how many swipes it took to finally find you" had a 77% and 70.6% success rate, respectively.
Not all pick-up lines work, obviously.
It's clear to see that pick-up lines hinting towards sex are off-putting. The pickup line most likely to hinder success is "Let's have a who's better in bed contest. I'm hoping to be a sore loser". With a success rate of just 20.6%, it may be too early to speak about the bedroom.
The pick-up line "If you were a booger, I'd pick you first" is another you may want to avoid. According to Manyspins.com's findings, it had a beatable success rate of 32.8%. This could be due to the idea of being compared to a booger or the picture it paints of a lack of hygiene, but we'll leave that up to those using it to find out.
Another popular pick-up line that didn't bode well with users was "Your parents will love me, but your neighbors won't". With a success rate of 34.2% it's clear to see that once again laying it on thick may not be the way to go.
Keeping the house in order is hard work, especially if you're a full-time worker. It therefore comes as no surprise that some relatively simple household chores can cause a lot of tension in relationships.
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With this in mind, ShowersToYou.co.uk wanted to find out which chores sparked the highest amount of tension within a relationship. To achieve this, the site surveyed 2,459 couples to find the answer, discovering that the chores that cause the most rifts are… pretty dirty (pun intended).
Here's a list of the most commonly fought over chores within households:
Doing the dishes is the chore most likely to cause arguments, with 57% of couples reportedly getting into a spat over it.
Taking out the rubbish and cleaning the kitchen came second and third, at 46% and 42% respectively.
Dusting is the chore most likely to cause the least amount of arguments, with only 9%, suggesting a lot of couples are fine with sweeping this one under the rug.
Interestingly, among the espondents who are no longer in relationships, 15% revealed that quarreling over household chores was a direct contributor to the breakdown of their relationship.
Other findings include:
40% of respondents disclosed that a lack of appraisal or acknowledgement for doing chores was a large factor in the sparking of arguments.
90% of couples will spend up to one hour arguing with their significant other over chores, with 45% of these arguments incited by a feeling of the chore not having been completed properly.
30% of couples argued about the timingsof the chore, showing that keeping to a schedule was a high priority. Only 15% argued over who was doing what chore, and the remaining 10% argued over entirely different things, with one respondent claiming that they "didn't like doing it" – which isn't surprising.
To reduce any ambiguity and the risk of someone secretly 'marrying for money,' a prenuptial agreement puts down on record what was agreed to before the marriage. This establishes the thinking at the time of the marriage, which is useful in and of itself.
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For people who are just beginning their business journey but have already gained millionaire status, with the prospect of growing wealthier over time, there's a need to protect themselves. Marriage being a legally binding contract, it opens up the potential for a loss of business control in a contentious and poorly managed divorce proceeding and subsequent settlement.
Why are pre-nups vital for wealthy people?
Where Does the Money Originate?
Some men and women are independently wealthy before they marry. They may have inherited money from family or built a successful business early in life. Either way, they probably want to protect their money in the event the marriage breaks down in later years.
Divorce Proceedings? Let the Mud Slinging Begin
Divorce proceedings tend to bring out the worst in people. Dividing the assets is not romantic and when there is bad feeling on both sides, it can soon get ugly. Previously friendly communications can quickly degenerate into false accusations as a negotiating tactic to force a higher settlement.
A negotiated prenuptial agreement for high-net-worth individuals should be a priority. Whether as a businesswoman or a businessman, it's important to preserve the business interests by avoiding a necessary breakup of the corporation. Also, it's preferable to have any children become the eventual beneficiaries rather than someone leaving the matrimonial union. This is often best achieved by limiting the financial exposure of a potential divorce through a negotiated prenuptial agreement.
The Validity of a Negotiated Pre-Nup
As a will gladly tell you, it's become increasingly common for people to attempt to get out of a pre-nup they signed. The most common reason cited is that they were "coerced into signing it" in an attempt to invalidate it. The situation occurs far less often when the person bootstrapped a business or was self-made. In which case, there's far less of a wealth disparity between the divorcing couple. Yet when marriage was the main wealth creator for one of the parties, their divorce can become extremely difficult to resolve.
A good resource to find a lawyer is using a directory like lawyers.findlaw.com. However, if you are looking for Lawyer in Salt Lake City, you might want to consider Hepworth & Associates Law Firm as they have considerable experience drafting legally binding prenuptial agreements. It makes it likelier that any pre-nup will be litigation-proof and far less likely that spurious claims used as a negotiation tactic will be taken seriously.
For anyone who is already wealthy or even expects that they might become so, it's worth getting a pre-nup before walking down the aisle. Otherwise, they're literally putting it all on the line with a contract that has a 50/50 success rate, at best. If that were an investment, they'd surely pass. Yet marriage is a special case, so special protections are required to do it right.
Being mindful and emotionally flexible in tough and challenging situations not only improves the lives of individuals, it might also strengthen and enrich their close relationships.
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"Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way," Leo Tolstoy wrote famously in 1878 in the opening lines of Anna Karenina. Turns out the Russian author was onto something.
Cohesive families, indeed, seem to share a few critical traits – psychologists agree. Being emotionally flexible may be one of the most important factors when it comes to longevity and overall health of your romantic and familial relationships.
That's the finding of a new University of Rochester meta-analysis, published in the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, which statistically combined the results of 174 separate studies that had looked at acceptance and commitment therapy, mindfulness, and emotion regulation.
The researchers' aim was to clarify how mindful flexibility – on one hand – and inattentive, mindless, and rigid inflexibility on the other – were linked to the dynamics within families and romantic relationships.
"Put simply," says coauthor Ronald Rogge, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Rochester, "this meta-analysis underscores that being mindful and emotionally flexible in tough and challenging situations not only improves the lives of individuals, it might also strengthen and enrich their close relationships."
Psychological flexibility versus inflexibility
Psychological flexibility is defined as a set of skills that people use when they're presented with difficult or challenging thoughts, feelings, emotions, or experiences. Such skills encompass:
Being open to experiences–both good and bad–and accepting them no matter how challenging or difficult they might be
Having a mindful attentive awareness of the present moment throughout day-to-day life
Experiencing thoughts and feelings without obsessively clinging to them
Maintaining a broader perspective even in the midst of difficult thoughts and feelings
Learning to actively maintain contact with our deeper values, no matter how stressful or chaotic each day is
Continuing to take steps toward a goal, even in the face of difficult experiences and setbacks
The opposite – psychological inflexibility – describes six specific behaviors, including:
Actively avoiding difficult thoughts, feelings, and experiences
Going through daily life in a distracted and inattentive manner
Getting stuck in difficult thoughts and feelings
Seeing difficult thoughts and feelings as a personal reflection and feeling judged or shameful for having them
Losing track of deeper priorities within the stress and chaos of day-to-day life
Getting derailed easily by setbacks or difficult experiences, resulting in being unable to take steps toward deeper goals.
Psychologists consider the rigid and inflexible responses to difficult or challenging experiences dysfunctional, ultimately contributing to and exacerbating a person's psychopathology.
Photo by @suzylee from Unsplash.com
How flexibility shapes interactions
Through their analysis, coauthor Jennifer Daks, a PhD candidate in the Rochester Department of Psychology, and Rogge discovered that within families, higher levels of various forms of parental psychological flexibility were linked to:
Greater use of adaptive parenting strategies
Fewer incidents of lax, harsh, and negative parenting strategies
Lower perceived parenting stress or burden
Greater family cohesion <
Lower child distress
Within romantic relationships, higher levels of various forms of psychological inflexibility were linked to:
Lower relationship satisfaction for themselves and their partners
Lower sexual satisfaction
Lower emotional supportiveness
Greater negative conflict, physical aggression, attachment anxiety, and attachment avoidance
The results suggest that psychological flexibility and inflexibility may play key roles in both couples and families in shaping how individuals interact with the people closest to them, the researchers write.
The meta-analysis, also commonly referred to as a "study of studies," cements and adds to the findings of Rogge's earlier work in which he and a team tested the effects of couples' watching movies together and talking about the films afterward. In that work, Rogge and his colleagues demonstrated that couples could bring mindful awareness, compassion, and flexibility back into their relationships by using movies to spark meaningful relationship discussions, leading to both immediate and long-term benefits.
That study, conducted in 2013, found that an inexpensive, fun, and relatively simple watch-and-talk approach can be just as effective as other more intensive therapist-led methods–more than halving the divorce or separation rate from 24 to 11 percent after the first three years of marriage.
"The results suggest that husbands and wives have a pretty good sense of what they might be doing right and wrong in their relationships," Rogge said about the earlier study. "You might not need to teach them a whole lot of skills to cut the divorce rate. You might just need to get them to think about how they are currently behaving. And for five movies to give us a benefit over three years–that is awesome."
Watching and discussing movies with your partner that feature onscreen couples can have a positive effect on your relationship, Rogge recently told People magazine. It's an easy exercise that "could be a lifesaver during quarantine," he says.
Which movies work? As Good as It Gets, Funny Girl, Gone with the Wind, Love Story, Indecent Proposal, The Devil Wears Prada, and Father of the Bride are a few of the films Rogge and his fellow researchers used in their 2013 study of couples.
Looking for some LGBTQ recommendations? Rogge suggests The Kids Are Alright, The Wedding Banquet, The Birdcage, and episodes of Grace and Frankie.
Problems in your relationship? What can you do about them?
Understanding how to tackle a problem is just as important as the problem itself, so if you don't know how to approach this issue, keep reading.
Relationships aren't always rainbows and butterflies. At some point, something is going to go wrong. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship, meaning that there will be a problem at some point that you're just going to have to deal with. But do you know how to do this?
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Understanding how to tackle a problem is just as important as the problem itself, so if you don't know how to approach this issue, keep reading down below. Here, you are going to find some of our advice as to what you can do when there's problems in your relationship.
Talk About Them
The first thing that you're going to need to do is talk about them. When there is an issue, encouraging open and honest communication is the very best thing that you can do to tackle whatever it is. If you think about it, how is the other person supposed to know that there is an issue if you're not willing to talk about it? You know that if your partner has a problem, you want them to discuss it with you so that you can work on it. Without this communication, you're never going to get very far in a relationship.
You need to trust that you can have an honest conversation about your feelings. If you think that you can't, then you're not in the right relationship.
If you feel as though talking isn't solving the issue and you're unable to fix the problem yourself, then you can always seek help. There are professionals out there that deal with this kind of thing for a reason, and it's because it isn't always easy to see certain things when you're the one in the situation. So, you might want to think about something such as sex therapy counselling if you think that this is where the issue is. Or, if you're married and having multiple problems, general marriage counselling might work out better for you. Just remember that there are professionals to help should you need them.
The final thing that you need to do is find a solution. We know that it isn't always this simple, but it becomes far easier when you change your outlook on a situation. You need to remember that it is you and your partner vs. the problem, not you vs. your partner. Once you realize this, it becomes far easier to come up with a solution that suits everyone because you view the problem from both sides. A relationship will only work for as long as you are both trying, so keep this in mind and give it everything that you've got.
We hope that you have found this article helpful and now have a better understanding as to some of the things that you can do when there is a problem in your relationship. Do at least one of these things, and we're sure that you will find a way to get past whatever the problem is right now. We wish you all the best.