I wrote a poem about this called "I Am The Shadow" I don't know if I've ever shared it with you or not. Would you like to read it?
Hi Joyce, I would love to read it and would be grateful if you could share it. Is it in one of your posts (and if so, could you send me the URL), or did you want to email it to me? Please feel free to use my email address to contact me directly, if you would like to!
I wish I could get that through to some of those closest to me, but the vulnerability of admitting how I feel, is too difficult to get past. Afraid to trust; afraid of being 'distorted' or misunderstood……it's a wonderful wonderful poem, and I know that I will keep coming back to it…..
Someone who understands! THIS is what I mean when I tell others that I always feel empty or dont know what to do with myself, my time. That Im just stumbling around, walking in circles (literally), looking for the answer. The concept of relativity overwhelmes me. And I feel useless. Ive tried in vain to express this before. This is why I cant work, finish school, or commit to anything. I havent any purpose nor am I able to conceptualize any interest or meaning in it. Very articulate post! Thank you.
But….please tell me, what can we do about it? I am desperate to know! It would seem that the logical answer would be to toss what is useless. But I want to try to feel SOMETHING.
Thank you so much for your comment, and I'm glad this struck a chord with you. I know from personal experience when reading other bloggers' posts, how important and helpful it can be to come across someone who really seems to understand and have felt the same things, and one of the reasons I blog, is to hopefully make that sort of connection with others. As for what to do about it….I only wish I had some answers! It's a perpetual problem for me in therapy, as well….I feel like I grow in self-awareness, and I uncover emotions and have certain realisations, but I have no idea what to do with any of them…how are they supposed to help, how is change supposed to happen? I completely see what you mean when you say that then logical answer would be to toss what is useless, and I am in the middle of writing a post about those feelings, which I have been having regularly over the last few weeks. However…..when I am not feeling that way, I know that there must be other logical answers, and that however impossible it might seem, the answer probably lies in trying to interweave the past and the present with all those realisations and the increased self-awareness, to make a new person who is nevertheless, recognisably still the 'old person', but a more complete one. Someone who is at peace with being a bit of a mess sometimes (!) and most importantly, someone who can accept themselves and their emotions. The psychiatrist who diagnosed me said I needed to accept that is no such thing as 'perfect care' – I think she's right, and I think that's part of the answer. But I know that I can't do it yet, however much the intellectual truth of it may stare me in the face. Like you, I want to feel something. And I want that something to be intense, and to be that perfect care that I crave. Those are the things that make me feel real….. Are you in therapy? I ask because I do think that therapy can be so important for those with BPD, and in terms of solutions, I really do think that the instrument of change can be a trusting and open relationship in therapy. I think that it can be one of the very powerful things that can aid that leap from intellectual appreciation of something, to really feeling it inside. And I think it's only that deep, felt knowledge and conviction, that can bring change and healing….Take care, and keep in touch!
I felt the same way when I first read this. In fact, this blog has helped me a great deal through my own BPD and helped me explain to my family how I feel. No one has ever put it in better words than in this blog!
Apologies again for taking a while to reply – I've had a really really difficult week to ten days, but I really want to let you know that your comment, which I read when I was feeling pretty horrendous, was immensely important and really made a difference. I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that my blog has helped you, and moreover that it has helped to explain things to your family. I can honestly say that your comment is one that I will treasure, and remember frequently. Sometimes, when you're feeling despairing and as though you don't matter, it's comments like these that can bring comfort and a reminder that the things you do, do matter. So thank you so much – your words are invaluable. And as someone who wishes fervently that my partner would understand how BPD affects me (ironic that I share my blog publicly where it can potentially benefit others but can't bear to share it with him!) I am so glad that this has helped your family to understand you better. What families read about BPD can be so important not just for them, but to our recovery, as what they read influences how they react to us, and we to them….
Thank you again for your wonderful words, and do keep in touch….
Feeling empty and without anything to hold you together and yet being in acute emotional pain. Yes, this is who we are. I have been living in this city for 8 months now, (longer?, not sure) and yet, every day, I struggle to see my surroundings as 'real' … it's like living in a cartoon. I cannot even weave together a narrative of who I am from the stories and memories that are my life — I have bunches of missing times, and I can't quite place when the things I do remember actually happened — most of it feels like it was someone else who experienced those events. There is nothing consistent in me except the pain that I drag around from place to place, person to person. The pain is what links it all up I guess; what makes me me.
Thank you so much for your comment. I absolutely know what you mean about not being able to weave together a narrative, and having so much missing time, and not being able to 'place' memories. I feel like I remember so very little of 'growing up', and what I do remember are just like snapshots, photographs, or remembered 'feelings' or 'impressions', rather than events. Remembering them, sometimes feels like looking at photographs – it almost doesn't matter whether the photographs are of me, or of someone else…..does blogging help to make things more consistent for you, to link things up a bit more?
Blogging/writing/photographing/etc helps in the short-term. It helps to read over and helps to get things out and onto/into a more permanent form but, over time, these things also fail to anchor my thoughts/feelings to any specific time or place or events/feelings.
Like you say, you can look at a photograph of yourself at a specific time and know, cognitively that that is you in that picture but there are no associative memories or emotions from that time, it is no longer a part of who you are and it is extremely difficult to understand that it ever was who you were.
Things just don't link up.
If I am at the same job, same people, same place, that bunch of time will gain consistency and reality but as soon as I leave (run) and I always do … it fades and becomes another 'storyline' that I can't quite recall or hold onto.
I'm glad blogging/writing helps to some extent, even if it's in the short term. I'm not sure if it's the same for you – although I write from the heart, once the words are on the page, it's almost as though they're about someone else. I feel detached from them – do you know what I mean? So much of myself is poured into them – how can that be? Thank you again for commenting and 'chatting'!
Thank you so much Cat, glad you enjoyed it! And as usual, your comments feel spot-on too, and also chime with how I feel. I don't know what I believe, what I think is important, or how I'm meant to act or be. Although having said that, at least when it comes to 'passions', the fact that I _do_ feel so utterly alone and estranged from everyone and everything, is sort of allowing some parts of me that were just buried under everyone else's interests, wants and desires, to start to surface again. Writing, for example. Sometimes it feels like the only thing that even barely keeps my sense of self afloat….
Therapy almost always makes me want to either scream or cry as well 🙂 And although I've been told a million times there is no 'right way' to do it, I cannot get away from that mode of thinking, and wondering whether I'm 'doing it right'…sigh….as for feeling stupid, I can definitely relate, particularly as I obsess so much over the therapeutic relationship itself, and that makes me feel pathetic. Urgh indeed…..
I know exactly how you feel on this. One thing that I have been doing to help me with my identity is that I have a little spot in the house (the desk where my pc sits actually) and I decorate it with MY stuff. I won't let anyone touch or organize it or even give me suggestions. I'm building my own identity with it and it's actually helping me a lot. I feel safe with my "bubble" of space, my little "world" that I call my own that my partner or my kids can't "destroy".
When I feel stupid I get angry at myself to the point I take my anger out on the ones I love. I don't mean to but that's usually what happens. I'm learning to control those feelings and at least not take them out on others. When I get angry at myself I blog, I journal, or I rant on Facebook even. I'll even throw punches at pillows depending on the severity of the situation. I hate feeling stupid or being perceived as stupid so I understand there too.
Thank you so much for reading, and for your comment! Many apologies for my delay in replying…..What a fantastic idea to help have a space all of your own, particularly in a house with a partner and kids, where it's so easy for everything child-related to take over. When I read your comment I was reminded once again of all the things I used to do as a teenager or in my early twenties, without really realising what I was doing, that helped me to cope with what I now know was my BPD. Music, dancing, writing down quotes, poetry, meditation – and keeping pictures, objects etc of significance, all around me in 'my space', just as you describe. It's been so long since I've done so many of those things, and that includes having my own personal stuff around, or having a place that is 'just mine'. I'm not sure I can carve out something exactly the same at the moment (lack of space and general untidiness!) but I think I should be able to take the principle and do something with it, even if it's only a little corner on my bedside table. Or even if it's the content of a box I can look at when I need to. Thank you so much for the suggestion and also for the memories and thoughts that it triggered.
I know what you mean about the anger. I hate myself daily for shouting at my kids. I tell myself everyday I won't do it again. And like you, I hate being perceived as silly or incompetent or 'weak', however you might define that. I had a very painful therapy session a few days ago, and part of what made it so made was feeling I'd made an incorrect assumption and had put my therapist in a difficult position. I felt embarrased and ashamed and I felt like pulling up the barriers as far as I could possible manage…..
Thank you again for reading and for getting in touch….
I don't have many eloquent words, but I wanted to thank you sincerely for writing this. This has been one of the biggest aspects of BPD that I consistently struggle with. Even if you're feeling good, how do you fight against the sudden onset of feeling so incredibly empty and hollow of person? In the past, I used to call it depression, but now see it as something unique in its own right, though feeling empty can certainly lead to depression. I've always had a really difficult time putting this feeling into words and seeing you get it down coherently made me feel overwhelmed with…relief. It means so much to me, as does the rest of your blog–I've added it to my RSS feed to keep up with. Thank you so much, and I hope that you've been able to find more respite from this illness. You seem like an amazingly strong person.
Thank you so much for reading and for commenting, and I'm really glad this post has helped you. Thank you for following and do keep in touch!
This is one of the best posts about bpd and feelings of emptiness I have ever seen…you have captured both the challenges that the person who suffers from borderline faces, associated simultaneously with identity and relationships, and the feelings of emptiness. The official description of the derealisation never fitted for me either… I think every person has their own mechanisms and it probably feels different for all of us.
Thank you so much for reading, and for your very kind words. I completely agree, I think the experience will differ for different people, and I certainly had to find my own ways of understanding my experience; some things I read didn't quite chime, but others seemed to fit perfectly…thank you again for your comment!
It is so helpful to read your personal description of the symptoms ! It is beautifully written and I can only admire the effort you have put into finding the right words to talk about your experience, as I personnaly find it impossible. I lack so much of understanding and education about my personnality, and your posts make me feel understood and help me to see much clearer.
It is so interesting to learn about the differences between the derealization and depersonalization symptoms. I always thought (and was told) that those feelings of emptiness were simply another word for low self-esteem. Now I understand that it is truly pathological. And interestingly, I never experienced a despersonalization moment, as I never felt like I was looking at myself as if from outside or anything of that kind. But on the other hand, I totally feel that I understand what derealization means, and how much I feel trapped in those moments. And as you don't happen to experience it, I thought it could be helpful for me to try to describe it, as it now ocurs to me that it is a "thing" with BPD.
It's actually the first time I talk about this and I feel quite ashamed honestly ("people are going to think I'm crazy"). But it's true, I'm never really sure to be there, unless I'm experiencing intense pleasure, because at least I can forget about my doubts and truly feel that I'm alive. And I agree with you when you say that seeking those intense moments is just a way of avoiding something, which is the sense of bizarre that comes with emptiness in my case.
I hope this made some sense, but anyway thank you for helping me finding the right words to understand myself !