Archive for the 'bizarre news' Tag
Kim Jong Un to U.S. : Turn over Wolf Girl or "Face Annihilation." Leave a comment
HUNTED: Photo of Wolf Girl taken in squalid "human zoo" prior to her escape.
By C. Michael Forsyth
PYONGYANG — A month after North Korea's famous wolf girl escaped from her cell beneath the palace of Kim Jong Un, the depraved dictator has accused the U.S. of sheltering the fugitive freak of nature in a secret C.I.A. safe house.
In a rambling, 11-minute speech on state-run television, the dangerously unstable tyrant demanded that President Donald Trump turn her over – or else.
"The Wolf Girl is a national treasure and the property of the people of North Korea," the pudgy strongman declared. "If she is not returned within 72 hours, America will face absolute annihilation. We will unleash our mighty nuclear arsenal and the people's missiles will reduce the city of Washington to ashes."
The Wolf Girl, who is covered head to toe in fur-like hair, is believed to suffer from a rare birth defect called congenital universal hypertrichosis. Her heartbreaking plight first came to light when human-rights activists revealed the existence of Kim's sick private "zoo" stocked with at least 150 human oddities beneath the presidential palace. Ironically, the diminutive despot showed little concern for the welfare of the pitiful 17-year-old creature before her daring escape from the squalid cell where she'd been held since infancy.
"Kim mistreated the Wolf Girl terribly whenever he visited his human menagerie," revealed a palace source. "He would prod her with his walking stick and squeal with delight when she snarled."
MADMAN Kim Jong Un gleefully mistreated the Wolf Girl when she was in his clutches.
The extreme urgency North Korea has attached to recapturing the Wolf Girl appears to be politically motivated. During her weeks on the lam, she became a symbol of freedom to peasants suffering under Kim's brutal communist regime.
"The government cannot allow such a living symbol to remain free," explained the insider. "It is a threat to Kim's authority."
The U.S. government has neither confirmed nor denied that it has given refuge to the mute teen, who communicates only in grunts, yips and howls, and crawls about on all fours. But a reliable State Department source claims that dissidents delivered her to American agents after she was found wandering the streets of the capital.
"She was naked, with her fur caked in mud and filth," he revealed. "She was wild-eyed and terrified, nipping at anyone who tried to help her."
DAY OF DECISION: President Donald Trump
Now President Trump is facing the greatest moral dilemma of his young presidency.
"This is a real profiles-in-courage moment," the State Department source stated. "The President has to decide which is more important: The freedom of one brave girl whom many might consider one of 'Mother Nature's mistakes' or the safety of 325 million Americans."
Copyright C. Michael Forsyth
If you enjoyed this mind-bending yarn by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Posted June 21, 2017 by C. Michael Forsyth in freaks, Kim Jong Un, North Korea, Uncategorized, wolf girl
Tagged with bizarre news, congenital universal hypertrichosis, female werewolf, freaks, human oddities, Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Un to U.S. Turn Over Wolf Girl or Face Annihilation, North Korea, weird news, wolf girl
Spies from Botswana Set To Topple Putin — and Trump! Leave a comment
GADGET GURU Barney Collier (Greg Morris) was a key member of the Mission: Impossible team.
The tiny African nation of Botswana has reportedly dispatched its own Mission: Impossible-type spy team to engineer the overthrow of Russian strongman Vladimir Putin. And even more shocking, their next target is American President Donald Trump!
"It's total role reversal," says a U.S. intelligence source who has compiled a dossier on the alleged scheme. "During the Cold War, it was the superpowers who sent spies to thwart the dictators of Third World countries. That scenario was played out again and again on the 1960s TV show Mission: Impossible, as the American spy ring concocted ingenious plots to bring about the downfall of the tin horn dictators of banana republics, played by actors like Ricardo Montalban and Fernando Lamas. Now it's a small Third World country that's deployed agents to rescue the two superpowers from authoritarian rule and make the world safe for democracy."
Screen legend Ricardo Montalban frequently played tin horn dictators in '60s spy shows.
The source likened the flip-flop to the movie The Mouse that Roared, in which the pint-sized European country of Grand Fenwick declares war on America and launches an invasion carried out by 20 men outfitted in medieval chainmail.
"The difference is that these are secret agents, not soldiers – and based on what we know of the efficiency of Botswana's spy agency, there is a very real possibility that they will actually pull off their mission."
President Putin is widely viewed as a vicious, cold-blooded tyrant. The former KGB boss has murdered a host of opponents, including journalists, activists, and political leaders – with radioactive materials his frequent weapon of choice — and he's jailed scores of others, such as the peaceful protest group Pussy Riot. The Russian leader has also ruthlessly bombed civilians and rebel groups in Syria, brutalized Georgia and Chechnya, invaded Ukraine and brazenly annexed Crimea, the first such land grab in Europe since 1945.
Russians who dare to oppose Putin, like the group Pussy Riot, tend to wind up in jail — or dead.
"Putin has has flooded the West with so many spies that there are more in England today than during the Cold War – including those licensed to kill who carry out his personal vendettas," the source revealed. "He's a venal and violent real-life supervillain who usurped power and uses his position to enrich himself and his cronies, amassing a private fortune close to $200 billion. In the past, the CIA might have been ordered to quietly overthrow someone that evil, but that won't happen, for obvious reasons. The government of Botswana's president Seretse Khama Ian Khama sees Putin as a threat to world stability and feels it has a moral obligation to step in."
Out of all the countries in Africa, it's not entirely surprising that Botswana stepped up to the plate. While it has a miniscule population of about 2 million, it has never been conquered or colonized and is one of Africa's most stable countries, boasting the continent's longest continuous multi-party democracy. According to a recently BBC profile, it is virtually free of corruption and has an excellent human rights record.
"Botswana is the world's largest producer of diamonds and the trade has transformed it into a middle income nation," the report states. Gay rights groups have recently been granted legal recognition – a far cry from Russia, where Putin has issued draconian laws against the LGBT community. "Botswana has a long tradition of lively and unimpeded public debate," according to the BBC, which notes that the government has allowed a "free and vigorous" press to flourish.
"In many ways it's like the fictional country of Wakanda that the comic book hero The Black Panther calls home," the intelligence source notes.
In contrast to the sober-minded leaders of Botswana, temperamental tycoon Trump has branded journalists "enemies of the people" – and that's one of the red flags that raised concern in the African nation.
"Botswana sees Trump as potentially even more dangerous to world peace than Putin," the source revealed. "A classified document we obtained describes him as an 'emotionally unstable narcissist and pathological liar, with authoritarian tendencies.' They fear that it's simply too risky to allow someone like that to have his finger hovering over the red nuclear button."
Could Trump really be overthrown like the buffoonish leader of some banana republic?
How the African secret agents intend to bring down the two leaders is as yet unknown. Experts say that the Botswana intelligence agency is highly sophisticated, modeled closely on the superpowers' own Cold War-era spy networks.
"We anticipate the use of intricate and cunning plots, high-tech gadgets hidden in objects such as watches, cigarette lighters and shoes, the use of glamorous lady spies and other staples of the intelligence field," the source says. "Their agents have been trained in methods such as gaining access to secure facilities by pretending to be carpet cleaners and crawling through narrow airshafts."
The fact that the agents are African and the Russian population is almost entirely white won't pose much of an obstacle, he adds. "There have been incredible advances in disguise technology since those masks of the Mission: Impossible era."
TV's Mission: Impossible team employed trickery, technology and clever disguises.
If you enjoyed this article by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of news satire, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats .
Posted April 7, 2017 by C. Michael Forsyth in Donald Trump, News Satire, political satire, Putin, satire, Trump, Uncategorized
Tagged with Africa, bizarre news, Botswana, espionage, humor, news parody, spies, Spies from Botswana set to topple Putin and trump, weird news
ZOMBIES COME BACK HORNY, NOT HUNGRY. Leave a comment
WASHINGTON — Zombies rise from the grave craving sex, not hungering for human flesh, according to startling eyewitness reports. In dozens of cases coast to coast, the lust-crazed walking dead have made awkward advances at living people — and have sometimes even bedded them.
"Remember, when zombies return to life, their brains retain only the most primitive instincts," explains a CDC researcher who helped compile the mountain of evidence. "The primary drive is sexual desire. Hunger is a distant second, particularly since in many cases, their digestive systems have rotted away.
"If you see a zombie shambling toward you, the odds are he or she is more interested in hooking up than eating your brain."
In one shocking incident that took place in Bishopville, SC., a terrified homemaker watched a "walker" approach as she planted gardenias in her backyard.
"He was drooling, and as he got closer, I got a better look at his ragged pants," she told investigators. "Suddenly the phrase 'the dead shall rise' took on a whole new meaning. From the look in his eyes, I could tell just what he had in mind."
Fortunately, the quick-thinking housewife managed to ward off the amorous creature with a weedwacker.
LIFE IMITATES ART: In this "The Walking Dead" porn parody, zombies crave flesh in a very different way. And experts now say that this time, Hollywood got it right!
In another case outside Philadelphia, an eyewitness identified only as Ken B. heard a knock on his front door, opened it and was stunned to see a former high school acquaintance who'd been buried weeks earlier.
"The right side of Kimberly's face had mostly rotted away, but she'd kept her figure. I was surprised when she suddenly ripped open her shirt and those double D hooters that made her so popular back in school came spilling out," Ken B. told a researcher. "The weird part was that back when Kim was a cheerleader and I was in the band, she would never give me the time of day.
"She reached for me – or I should say, a particular part of me. I've got to admit, I was tempted to go through with it, because I'd always had a crush on her. But I just couldn't get past that eye dangling from the socket, and plus my wife was in the kitchen. I slammed the door in her face. Later I heard that she made stops at three of our other classmates."
But not everyone has the willpower to resist the charms of undead hotties and hunks. A Texas man confessed to having a close encounter with a winsome walker as he was out hunting in a remote area.
"This girl came shambling toward me out of the bushes — buck naked and with a morgue tag still attached to her toe," the hunter told investigators. "Her skin was gray and there were chunks of flesh missing in places, but I guess I'd still rate her about an 8.
"I unslung my Winchester Model 700 and was just about to take the zombie out with a headshot, when she got down on all fours and gave me this 'come hither' look over her shoulder. I'm ashamed to say I took advantage of the situation."
DON'T be tempted by curvaceous zombie vixens, medical experts warn men.
Authorities warn that such behavior is high risk, because it often results in transmission of the virus responsible for zombieism, known scientifically as Ambulatory Lazarus Syndrome. Just how many victims have been infected by sexual contact with the raunchy roamers is unclear. But the CDC insider involved in the agency's hush-hush research into the widening epidemic says it could be "in the hundreds," with the numbers growing each year.
"The old narrative was that the zombie contagion was principally spread through bites," explains the researcher, who requested anonymity. "The new narrative is that it is a sexually transmitted disease. Even a hickey from a zombie can cause you to turn."
If you enjoyed this mind-bending tale by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Posted April 26, 2016 by C. Michael Forsyth in Bizarre stories, sex, Uncategorized, zombie movies, zombies
Tagged with bizarre news, horny zombies, news parody, news satire, sexy zombies, Walking Dead, weird news, zombies, zomies come back horny
Florida Governor Wards off Climate Change — Using Magic! Leave a comment
CLIMATE change could soon put much of Florida underwater — unless white magic licks the problem.
MIAMI, Florida — Governor Rick Scott has banned Florida officials from using the term "climate change" – and the age-old form of magic might actually save the state from global warming!
"This potent type of magic has been used to ward off danger since the dawn of human history," explains Karyn Fultenbach, high priestess of a prominent Wiccan coven in Miami. "When a tribe encountered a sabretooth in a cave, the shaman would warn the others not to say the word 'sabretooth.' They would instead close their eyes and only use the word 'cat.' This would keep the early humans safe, and some experts believe this is actually how ordinary house cats evolved."
The National Climate Assessment recently named Miami one of the U.S. cities most vulnerable to damage from rising sea levels. Experts have warned that the ocean could rise several feet, putting much of the state's beautiful beachfront property underwater. So, soon after Scott was elected, employees of the Florida Department of Environmental Protection were sternly ordered to refrain from using the terms "climate change," and "global warming" in official communications.
Fultenbach and her 12 fellow witches have written the governor recommending that the technique also be used to ward off specific natural disasters associated with climate change.
"He should also forbid the uses of the terms 'flooding,' 'tsunami' and 'category 5 hurricane,'" she advises.
INNOVATIVE Gov. Rick Scott has turned to magic to keep sea levels from soon rising above tourists' heads.
The danger-denying form of white magic was used in ancient times to defeat demons, according to the Wiccan priestess.
"A demon god would often be referred to only as 'He Whose Name Shall Not be Spoken,'" she reveals. "Forbidding people from mentioning it by name was a way to drive it from existence. This worked, and the concrete evidence is that few of those demon gods exist today."
In the Middle Ages, practitioners of Wicca used the white magic technique to protect their villages from the Black Plague.
"If a stranger wandered into town covered with oozing sores, white witches would warn the people never to utter the word plague. So no one could catch the disease," says the 43-year-old Wiccan.
GOOD witches have been using white magic to ward off disasters for centuries.
Ironically, the lifesaving acts led to the demise of many witches. Fearful and suspicious church officials, who thought only the Devil could have spared the isolated towns, often had the witches burned at the stake.
Not everyone thinks that using white magic to battle climate change makes sense.
"It sounds crazy," says Gus Quelby of the conservative group Florida Citizens for Common Sense. "So crazy it just might work. But resorting to paganism is dangerous. We're a Christian state. Even if using magic does prevent global warming from affecting Florida, it goes completely against the teachings of Jesus."
if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.
"The Blood of Titans" is a tale of love and adventure set in the Golden Age of Africa.
Posted March 12, 2015 by C. Michael Forsyth in News Satire
Tagged with Armageddon, bizarre news, Climate change, Florida, global warming, magic, Miami, news parody, news satire, Rick Scott, rising sea levels, satire, white magic, wicca, witchcraft, witches
NSA Warns Spunky Teen Girl Really COULD Topple Police State. Leave a comment
LIFE IMITATES ART: Concerned NSA officials warn that a rebellious teen might one day lead an uprising, just like Katniss (Jennifer Lawrence) in "The Hunger Games."
WASHINGTON — NSA officials who are busily setting up a "security state" fear that a single rebellious teenage girl could one day bring the entire dystopia toppling down!
"Every simulation we've run projects the same personality profile emerging as a rebel leader: a brave and resourceful female age 16 to 19," revealed an agency insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
"Anyone with a teenage daughter knows they're a handful. They hate authority, thumb their noses at rules — and try getting one into some bland, one-size-fits-all uniform! They're expert at using subterfuge to hide their activities and communications from adults."
The agency is now quietly compiling a database of girls who fit the profile, based on school files, surveillance of social media, and even satellite imagery, according to the source.
"We're not talking about 'rounding up' anyone at this time," the insider assured the public. "We will, however be tracking any individuals who have a high probability of tossing a monkey wrench into the system we're working so hard to construct."
PLUCKY Beatrice (Shailene Woodley) kicks some Big Brother butt in "Insurgent."
Speaking of gusty heroines, if you enjoyed this story by fiction writer C. Michael Forsyth, check out his novel The Blood of Titans.
Posted December 16, 2014 by C. Michael Forsyth in Dystopia, News Satire
Tagged with Beatrice, bizarre news, Divergent. Big Brother, Dystopia, dystopian ficition, Insurgent, Jennifer Lawrence, Katniss, news parody, NSA, parody, police state, satire, security state, Shailene Woodley, The Hunger Games
YELLOW 1985 CAMARO REINCARNATED AS BLONDE! Leave a comment
Va-Va-VROOM! Monica Hildenbrook lived before as a car, reincarnation expert claims.
BACK TO THE FUTURE: In the 1980s, the Camaro was the epitome of cool.
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — George Kelnway was heartbroken when his beloved 1985 Camaro was totaled in a wreck 25 years ago. But he believes the object of his affection has returned to him in the form of a curvy 24-year-old blonde.
And a top expert in the psychic phenomena agrees that the evidence is "overwhelming" that Monica Hildenbrook really did live before as the canary-yellow sports car.
"This is one of the most extraordinary cases of reincarnation I've ever encountered," declared paranormal researcher Dr. Bella Delungo. "It's like that old TV show My Mother the Car, but in reverse."
Among the striking coincidences cited by the investigator:
•	Monica was born at 8:40 p.m. on May 4, 1989 – the one-year anniversary of the 1988 crash, down to the very hour and minute.
•	Her hair is an unusual bright yellow that's virtually the exact shade of Kelnway's car, and yellow is also her favorite color.
•	Her favorite song is "La Bamba" the ditty that was playing on the car radio at the moment of the accident.
•	She has a lifelong affinity for automobiles and works as a model at car shows.
•	Whenever she sees the color red, she stops dead in her tracks.
"Monica has headlights you can't take your eyes off of and plenty of junk in her trunk, just like my Camaro," declared Kelnway, a 46-year-old marketing consultant. "The moment I laid eyes on her I felt a connection. It was the same bond I had with my first car."
The road trip into The Twilight Zone began in 1985 when Kelnway received the spanking new vehicle as a high school graduation present. He fell head over heels in love with the car.
LOVESTRUCK: Young George Kelnway couldn't keep his hands off his yellow Camaro.
"George lavished so much tender loving care on that Camaro," his mother Katherine recalled. "He'd spend hours detailing it, waxing and buffing it. We'd joke that it was like his girlfriend."
But the romance screeched to halt when Kelnway got in a head-on collision with a driver who'd fallen asleep at the wheel. Miraculously, the young college student walked away with only minor injuries, but his car was damaged beyond repair.
"When the tow truck took my car away I cried like a baby," he recalled.
TRAGEDY: George Kelnway's Camaro was wrecked 25 years ago.
Over the years Kelnway bought and sold many other cars, but never forgot his first. Then, in May 2013, as he shopped in the canned vegetable aisle at Wal-Mart, he smelled an eerily familiar fragrance.
"I turned and saw this gorgeous blonde in a yellow mini skirt," Kelnway remembered. "Not only was her outfit the same color as my old Camaro, her perfume smelled just like the interior. I couldn't help blurting out 'You smell like my first car.' She laughed and told me 'Everyone says this perfume is like 'new car smell,' but I don't care – it's my favorite.'"
Kelnway, feeling an instant attraction, asked for her number on the spot. Monica, who also says she felt sure she knew George from somewhere, eagerly accepted. They hit it off on the first date and have been an item every since.
George Kelnway
"When I found out that Monica loves driving at high speeds and models at car shows, the reincarnation thing began to occur to me, but it seemed too crazy to be true," Kelnway said. "Then, on about our third date, when we were driving home from the movies, she started humming "La Bamba" and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up."
The couple dated for several months before Kelnway dared suggest his reincarnation theory to his stunning young girlfriend. Although she thought the whole idea was silly, in September she agreed to undergo past-life regression under the supervision of Dr. Delungo. The results were mind-blowing.
"Under hypnosis, Monica remembered being put together on an assembly line, and vividly recalled the accident," the researcher revealed. "She accurately described the make and color of the other car involved in the collision, as well as the first three letters of the license plate – information she was not privy to."
CAR MA: In the 1965-1966 sit-com "My Mother the Car," Jerry Van Dyke starred as a man whose mother was reincarnated as a 1928 Porter Touring Car.
The expert says this isn't the first instance of a person having lived before as a machine. There are recorded cases of humans being reincarnated as army tanks, toasters, even electric can openers.
"In the cycle of births and deaths, a soul can return to the material plane as a human, animal or inanimate object depending on the moral quality of the previous life's actions," Dr. Delungo explained. "In all likelihood, Monica's soul began its journey as a human. According to the laws of karma, misdeeds caused her to be reincarnated in an animal form, then, spiraling downward, as a series of objects. Now it appears that the powers that be are giving her another shot as a human."
After emerging from the trance, Monica had no conscious recollection of her prior existence and was stunned to hear a recording of the hypnosis session.
"I have to accept that I actually was once a car," she said. "You can't argue with science.
"My friends love to make wisecracks, like 'How's life in the fast lane?' or 'Did George wax your rear end this morning?' But it doesn't bother me. All I know is that George and I have a special bond and this time I don't want anything to ever separate us."
If you enjoyed this mind-bending story by C. Michael Forsyth, check out his collection of bizarre news, available on Kindle and in other eBook formats.
Speaking of karma, the tables turn on an identity thief in a new thriller by the author of this article. To check it out, click HERE.
The author of this article also penned the highly acclaimed horror novel Hour of the Beast.
Posted December 1, 2013 by C. Michael Forsyth in reincarnation, Uncategorized
Tagged with bizarre news, blonde in bikini, My Mother the car, past life regression, people reincarnated as machines, reincarnated as a car, reincarnation, weird news, Yellow 1985 Camaro reincarnated as blonde, yellow bikini
Rich folks in China Having Face Lifts — to Look Different From Everybody Else! Leave a comment
WEALTHY folks in China are willing to go under the knife for a unique appearance.
BEIJING — In rapidly increasing numbers, members of China's upper class are undergoing plastic surgery to look different from the rest of their countrymen, experts say.
"The new status symbol in China right now is no longer a big American automobile or designer clothes. It's having a unique face," confirms Bradford Kinglem, a highly respected professor of Far Eastern Studies.
Although still communist on paper, modern China is an economic powerhouse in which savvy investors can become as rich as any American. Indeed, the disparity in income between the rich and poor is greater than in any other country outside of sub-Sahara Africa, according to researchers.
OLD DAYS: In years past, individualism was not prized in China.
"The days of thousands of people riding on bicycles through the streets of Beijing wearing identical drab uniforms and identical punchbowl haircuts are long over," says Kinglem. "People want to express their individuality."
According to health officials, the number of people undergoing cosmetic surgery specifically to "no longer look the same as everyone else" was 34,150 in 2012 – 10 times as many as in the previous year. And if current trends continue, the Asian nation will soon outpace the U.S. in folks going under the knife, a report from the International Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery indicates.
FAT CAT Li Chin-Hiang shelled out big bucks for this distinctive face.
The well-to-do in China have sought out plastic surgery in small numbers for over a decade, but in the past the goal was different.
"A wealthy industrialist would alter his face to look like a popular movie star like Jackie Chan, or his wife might get the Joan Chen. Now successful people don't want to look like anyone."
Some officials in the Communist Party of China, which rules the country, disapprove of the show of individuality, preferring the cookie-cutter look of the past.
Grumbled one older party member, "This is not what Red China is supposed to be about. Chairman Mao must be rolling in his grave."
The familiar mug of beloved star Jackie Chan was a popular look in the past.
Speaking of unique, the author of this story penned Hour of the Beast, hailed by Horror Fiction Review as "a fast-paced, rip-snorting, action-packed, sexy college romp." The book is available in hardcover and softcover at Amazon.com. But you can save $4 by clicking HERE! The Kindle version is just $7 and the eBbook is a measly $5. Be the first on your block to read this bone-chilling tale — before the movie comes out.
Posted March 26, 2013 by C. Michael Forsyth in China, News Satire, Uncategorized
Tagged with best werewolf novel, bizarre news, China, fads, foreign news, funny, humor, income disparity China, Jackie Chan, Joan Chen, news parody, plastic surgery, satire, trends in China, weird news
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