NEXT WEEK! GROUP COACHING: Tuesday Talk, July 14th 6:30pm-8:30pm Click here for more info and RSVP here. *Please note if you would like to receive weekly group session reminder emails(click here for most recent)about this meeting and other special events and separate offers, scroll to the bottom of this email, click on the Update Profile/Email Address link and be sure the "Thursdays at Three/Tuesday Talk" list is checked off.
Well hello. Yes, it's been three weeks since you last heard from me - the longest PGG pause in 5 1/2 years! So much has happened in the world recently that I would have liked to comment on through these missives, but allow me to take a more personal note at this time since my focus has been intensely elsewhere these past couple months.
Many of you know my mom had been dealing with several health issues for quite some time now. Some of you might have met her years ago at a Women's Mosaic event, or remember the PGG about her amazing spirit in What's Your Number? You might have also read about when she had open heart surgery in Heart & Soul and The Patience of Patients.
Today I am writing you about the loss of one of the most generous, beautiful and vibrant women I know, Juanita Doris Leonardi, as she passed peacefully last week after deteriorating health and much suffering due to complications from the lymphoma she was diagnosed with in October.
It is not easy to watch someone die, let alone someone you love, and someone who was such a force of nature. As with many mother/daughters, we did not have the smoothest of relationships and were built quite differently, but learned as adults to adjust to each others' personalities, lifestyles and communication styles best we knew how and ultimately came to admire and respect each other. She always supported whatever I did, and we shared our love of dancing and connections with people of other cultures! (Yes, she was a regular at a salsa club on LI and a Haitan joint in Queens...) Perhaps the best way to describe our relationship was when her friend came up to me after the funeral and said to me, "Your mother didn't understand you, but she loved you. She thought you were very brave. You were in territory she was completely unfamiliar with." That meant a lot to me.
The last several years, and especially months, have been some of the most stressful of my life, as any caregiver could relate. Because I practice what I preach, I was miraculously able to get through the intense ups and downs of caring for someone so ill, dealing with doctors and siblings, hospitals, rehabs and ICU decisions, and somehow gave a near-perfect eulogy that I delivered effortlessly. I did my daily meditations, exercised, ate decently and took vitamins; I was grateful for what I could be (which was a lot, believe it or not); I allowed myself to rest and cry and process as I needed and spent time in nature; I asked for help; I gave and got A LOT of hugs; I came to realize my limitations and forgave myself. I am still recovering, but I feel I am, and will be, okay going forward as time and my continual self-care heals the trauma and intense interactions of the past couple weeks and months.
Over the years I had worked through most of the complex issues with my mother in stages/various levels - some more painful than others - so by the time we got towards the end I could just be present with her and be compassionate without letting any 'stuff' get in the way. This is not to say being present and compassionate was easy, mind you, as she was quite sick and a difficult patient - but I got to the point where I didn't take any of the backlash personally, which was a big deal!
Despite the stress and sadness of it all, the last two weeks have actually been quite special. First of all, the Universe works in mysterious ways. After eight long weeks between hospitals and rehabs we were not happy with, she ended up in a different, much smaller hospital, in an ICU that was like a suite at the Hilton for her final ten days. As awful as her condition was, she could not have received better care, and this comforted me and my brothers tremendously; the peace it brought us can not be underestimated, and in fact I cried and hugged the doctor and all of the nurses in gratitude when it was all over.
Also, after not having been in my apartment for over a week, and knowing I would have to be out on Long Island for at least another, I came back to the city for one night and one day to be in my own space and take a day off of going to the hospital. On that Saturday afternoon, a dear client of mine who I had not seen in three years, who was in a really bad place, randomly called - not emailed - me to see if I might be available for a session.
My initial reaction was that in my mental, physical and emotional exhaustion and knowledge of my mother's imminent passing, how could I possibly work with anyone?!? But then I thought - the Universe knows better - what are the chances she would call me on the one day I was in town and technically did have the time? And that she was the same sun sign as my mother so I knew what she was also dealing with - more of a metaphoric death - and that I couldn't help my mom, but perhaps I could help her? And the fact that I profoundly love what I do and always feel really good after a session with clients. So we met. And it was just what the doctor ordered for us both! You know you are doing what you are supposed to be doing with your life when something like this happens. It's no joke.
And then the Universe worked it out the next day where me and my two brothers, in an unusual gathering sans their spouses, (who are my sisters, but it's not quite the same as just being the three of us who grew up together with this solid rock of a woman), had a serendipitous moment with her alone. That afternoon she was the most lucid as she had been thus far, and although unable to speak, nodded the most emphatic yes when my brother (the non-spiritual one no less!) asked if she had seen Dad yet. We looked at each other in awe and relief and knew it was time for her to end this suffering and finally reunite with him after almost 18 years. The next day was particularly poignant as we all spent time together in the room with her for more than six hours as she began to make her transition.
I'm not a big fan of the whole ritual of wake/funeral, but as I mentioned in my eulogy, I have a new found appreciation for it. Between the hundreds of photos my sister-in-law put together in collages and a slide show, and all the people who shared their love and fond, fun memories of her, it truly helped me to remember who my mom really was. Because she had been sick for such a long time and I had been so close a witness to that sickness, I had completely forgotten - and she was indeed resurrected for me as a result.
BE SURE TO ADD PGG TO YOUR SUMMER READING LIST!