It's 4:20 AM making it exactly FOUR HOURS that I've been up with Ellie. Four hours of patting, rocking, soothing, and pacing. Four hours of frustration and four hours that will chip away from my productivity tomorrow-I mean later today.
There is not a word that comes to mind that is strong enough to coney how much I despise these nights. These nights that happen at least once a week robbing me of much needed sleep and seriously questioning my sanity.
The only thing that gets me through is realizing that when Ellie finally starts sleeping like a normal child, I will never have to consistantly lose sleep again. That's because we will have no more children. For me, that decision was based on the issue of sleep alone, and I don't feel one bit of remorse for that.
I don't think my body could handle another bad sleeper, and I am confident that my emotional well being could not either. It's brutal, ya'll.
The silver linking is that I am my own biggest cheerleader because this isn't my first rodeo. Not by a long shot. I've done this before. I logged countless sleeplees hours with Eli walking a thousand miles up and down the hallway. I've paced , and cried, and yelled, and cussed, and prayed. I've done it all only to get up and go to work and press repeat night after night.
I've battled depression and overcome. I've conquered that beast, and some how, some way, I'll find a way to keep going.
As God is my witness, I'll never stay up all night again. Ha! Sorry, had to throw a little Scarlett O'Hara hunor in there.
I'll wake up for the day in an hour and 20 minutes, assuming that I even sleep. Then I'll take a shower to wash away the night and make a strong pot or two of coffee. I'll get the kids up, battle the normal morning routine of getting them dressed, and fed, and dropped off at daycare before 7:30. From there I will drive to work and jump right back into the cycle of my day.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture used by militant forces...and the Watson children. Ha!
No really, sleep deprivation is serious and so is the toll is takes on a person. Trust me, I know. I also know that this too shall pass, and God gives us strength for the day. I can't worry about next week or next month. Today. He will give me the strength I need to make it through today.
I know this is a long and and jumbled post, but I needed to process through some things to arrive at that last thought. If you've made it this far, say a prayer for me. I'm going to need all the strength I can get today to muttle through routines, the meetings, the homework, the cooking, and the parenting that will take place in the day ahead. The two hours sleep I've had is simply not sufficient, but our a God is!!
Ps- given the hour and circumstances, I hope you'll excuse any typos. Thanks, friend!