Miscarriages can take a toll on mums and their families physically (see Coping with Multiple Miscarriages) but it is emotionally stressful, too. We speak to Dr Hana Ra Adams, counsellor at German European School Singapore, who sheds some light in this difficult time.
Losing a baby is a terrible event for a mum, but she is not alone in facing the trauma; other family members do face emotional stress as well. Dr Hana Ra Adams, who is also a licensed marriage and family therapist explains that once a couple learns that they are expecting a baby, they will usually start to build dreams and hopes for a new life.
For mums, the connection with her baby is more immediate while for some fathers, the connection does not happen until the mum is visibly pregnant, he feels the foetus moves or the baby is actually born. Hence, if miscarriages occur in the early stages of pregnancy, it is usually more devastating for mums.
How a father responds to miscarriage thus depends on his connection to their baby. Dr Adams illustrates that some fathers maybe just as devastated as mothers because his ideas and hopes for his child began at conception. Other fathers might grieve but not to the same extent as mothers because although aware of the baby's presence, he might not feel a connection with the baby until he is born.
During this difficult time, it is vital that couples maintain an open line of communication and speak to each other about the loss, be patient with one another and not judge each other's feelings.
Due to the differences in the way people grieve, Dr Adams cautions that it may sometimes be difficult to speak to your partner about your loss. If that is the case, try to find a supportive friend or family member to speak with.
As with fathers, older children also experience different levels of grief based on the connection they feel towards the baby. For children, the concept of death can also be harder to grasp.
When breaking the news to your child, Dr Adams encourages couples to utilise their family's beliefs and values to express how the baby died. While parents should try and answer any questions the child has about death, Dr Adams stresses that it is okay to be honest with your child when you don't know something. Some children might become fearful that something might happen to them but reassuring your child that he is safe, loved and taken care of will help to allay his fears.
During this difficult time, parents may inevitably be upset or sad, even in front of their own children but this is healthy as it helps your child learn to recognise that parents have feelings too.
Dr Hana Ra Adams can be contacted via her website.