We lasted longer than anyone would have thought.
A year rolled around and we held on.
But we were not the same as we were before.
The same two people who had fallen in love.
is that it doesn't always last.
with all my hearts contempt.
from the boy I once knew so well.
thought that love could build us.
I cried so many times.
I felt as if you didn't care.
your arms wrapped so tight.
I tried to avoid the feeling.
Even when you were with her.
I told myself it would be okay.
I watched as weeks went by.
I would be almost better.
my heart just couldn't leave you.
Even though I should have.
And now everytime you leave me.
It hurts me over again.
I feel that I am soon fading.
At the hope that this time you will stay.
And I fear what it to come.
I don't know if I will make it.
So I must act now while I still can.
I now must run away.
The tears upon my cheeks.
Your smile soon long gone.
The laugh that kept me living.
The one my heart beat upon.
One I had hoped to never write.
This was a very compelling piece. It really kept me on edge while reading it, getting a feel for the story from one brief perspective.
I particularly like the first three lines. They were a fantastic hook. I keep referring back to this hook as I read this each time. The intro really works well and flows so smoothly. I think you did a good job here. It's relatable, it's curious, it's everything the rest of this poem describes.
Several of your lines here end in periods or hard stops, but it's almost too much. The line break does the effect for you, so I would probably suggest looking at that and changing some of them to commas or nothing at all. Just look at it from a grammatical point of view. The periods don't really do much except disrupt the flow. It'll take a fine-tooth comb to figure that out while you fix the typos.
I feared that maybe this was a bit lengthy for the topic it was describing, but then you introduced even more factors to the story behind the poem, and I feel like the length is fine. It gets a bit monologue more than anything, but I think it kinda works because the speaker is desperate for change just as she was desperate to make things work. You can almost feel the guilt behind her decision to move on. Heartbreak is the worst.
You did a good job here. Well done. Keep writing!
Hello, I'm here to review this big long Masterpiece of yours.
okay so what I thought but overall was pretty good. I like what the topic was about, what the title was, mostly I like everything. But, nobody's perfect, so I'm afraid there's a little bit and it's that you need to make.
So when you put the sentence, so I must act now while I still can,everything was perfect except I don't think you really need to add the now in that sentence. Try reading it out loud to yourself with the now and then try reading it out loud to yourself without the now. Hopefully you will see that the poem line flows better without the now.
Anyway, everything else in this beautiful poem if yours is fine. I really enjoyed reviewing it.
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely day.
So I saw two things that could be fixed.
Okay so the word in bold is what needs to be fixed. You see when I read this sentence it doesn't really make sens. I think you meant to have that it into a is. I think it was just a small typing mistake.
Moving onto the next thing.
Here there isn't really anything wrong, but I do think that you don't need to now in this sentence, if you don't have it, the flow to the sentence will be quit a bit better. But this sentence holds quit a lot of meaning so great job.
Now that is out of the way let's talk about the good things.
I think this poem is really well written and it hold a lot of emotion, that just keeps the reader there, wanting to read more, also it helps us as the reader to connect with the pain you as the writer are feeling. It is very powerful and i think you have done a great job.
I really like the name you chose, it's very fitting, and it catches the readers eye easily, that is why I'm here after all. I like that you managed to bring the word goodbye into your poem, it connects with the title even better.
Another thing I like was the words you chose to use, in some way it painted a really good image in my head, as I was reading the poem I could see all the things you were telling me play out, It just made it a lot more sad.
The flow to the poem was great along with everything else, so great job.
You are an amazing writer, everything about this poem is just, wow, really good. I loved reading and reviewing this for you, and I hope some time I will get to read and review for of your stuff. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thankyou so much for reviewing and I did mistype some stuff and will try to edit soon.
I'm glad I could help you out!
This is really well-written! I could feel so much emotion being conveyed from this... every line told a heartbreaking story that kept me hooked throughout the entire thing. I especially like the starting lines, "As our love grew, we did too". This led to them maybe growing out of their feelings or further apart, and it led smoothly into the rest of the poem.
Just a couple main typos I saw. In the line "I called you eveynight", it should be "every night". Another line says "The univetable fate", it should be spelled "inevitable".
I think it's in line 37... I would recommend cutting the first "Every single time" because it doesn't really make sense there. Also I don't know if you meant to make this free verse or not... but there's some areas with rhymes so I would also recommend clearing that up.
That's all from me. This is overall a REALLY good poem... I love the idea and everything. Great job!
Thank you so much for reviewing and I am kinda bad at spelling but I will make sure that things are spelled right in the future.