J. Michael Krivyanski
The Future Ancient Writing Known as Cursive
This is a humor column from my upcoming book that will be called "I Speak Cursive like a Baby Boomer."
The world of today truly never ceases to amaze me. It has always long been a long-standing tradition that one generation will pass down to the next generation things they have learned about this world. At one time, the passage of such knowledge was respected and even valued by the younger generation. My generation listened to everything the older generation taught us. We didn't follow it, and did things our way, but we listened. We were all so busy being obnoxious, know-it-all young people there didn't seem to be enough time to use all of the things we had been taught.
"Do you know that E equals MC squared?"
"No, but I know all the lyrics to "Stairway to Heaven" and how to operate a CB radio."
"Cool, you know what's important."
We may not have paid all that much attention like we should have but we did learn it.
Those who run the education system of today seem to have taken the concept of obnoxious, know-it-all young people to new and never before seen levels. It's bad enough the world is imprisoned by computers and video games. Most things like this don't bother me. Now they are refusing to teach young children how to read and write cursive. This makes absolutely no sense to me.
I think this is like refusing to teach a child that s'mores must have chocolate in order to be any good. There are just some things in this world a kid has to be taught in order to survive.
Refusing to teach kids in school how to read and write cursive makes about as much sense as a square bowling ball. How are the youth of today supposed to write their names on a contract, read the US Constitution or letters written by Abraham Lincoln?. They won't be able to read the messages their grandparents have written to them in their birthday cards. We Baby Boomers could write something like "We recorded your failed attempt at singing in the bathroom. We're going to play it at your birthday party. Because you can't read cursive, you'll never know what we're going to do to you."
This could actually be kind of fun.
I envision some time in the future where a person like an Indiana Jones character steals an ancient script from an evil adversary. He runs for his life and is shot at by the bad guys chasing him. Of course being an Indiana Jones character, he is only chased by people who are terrible shots, and they all miss him. Our hero then swims through alligator infested waters, leaps from one part of a mountain to another. Enemy aircraft appear in the sky and begin shooting at him. Since only terrible shots chase after an Indiana Jones character, they also miss. Our hero is able to escape death like a true Hollywood legend. After making his way to a remote village, he is told by a tribal people they know of an ancient scribe who could make sense of the figures on the ancient script.
After making his way a great distance to a remote part of the jungle, he notices a lone hut standing in a clearing. There is smoke bellowing from a chimney on top of it. Our hero makes his way to the hut and slowly opens the door. His ears are treated to the sound of AC/DC being played. On the walls are shelves containing strange and usual items our hero has never before seen. There is a Rubik's cube, 8-track tape player, Star Wars Action figures and a pet rock. He then hears the voice of an old man. An aged figure emerges wearing a torn leisure suit with earth shoes. On one of his fingers is a mood ring.
"Who the hell are you? I ordered that pizza a long time ago. Don't expect a big tip" says the old man.
"Oh no ancient scribe. I was told by those in the village that it is you who could unlock the mysteries of the writing on this paper. I have obtained it from enemies who would seek to decipher it, and use the valuable information it contains to do evil deeds. Could you please decipher this for me?" says our hero.
The old man takes the paper and looks at it.
"Humm, this looks interesting."
"What does it say? Can you tell me?"
The old man removes a pair of glasses from his pocket and puts them on.
"It says here, and I quote "If you crap-head idiots weren't so stupid, you would've taught your children how to read and write cursive. Then you knuckleheads would've known what this says and wouldn't have to have someone decipher it. It's not like teaching biblical Hebrew, Coptic, Hieroglyphics or another ancient language. Not teaching kids how to read and write cursive is just plain lazy."
"Well, it appears there is also the lyrics for the song "Stairway to Heaven" and "Free Bird." I think there is also instructions on the proper way to eat s'mores. You have to have the chocolate."
"I'll write that one down for you. It's important."
The ways of Baby Boomers is slowly fading away. Our music and humor are timeless. The rest of it is just fading away.
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