It's been a long, long week*. A week ago Friday, our son left and we didn't hear from him until he walked back in the house the following Friday morning.
He was cold and his hands were shaking as he held out his car keys and wallet, asking, "Would you hold onto these for awhile?".
This was followed by hugs and a brief conversation. Then he took a warm shower, made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, took the dog for a walk, and settled in for a long nap followed by another walk with the dog.
Here's hoping this week brings clarity and positive steps forward.
*Read The Third R blog post for details.
An update from Midwestern Mama on #SoberSon and his recent Return to Use aka Relapse.
Ordinarily when I think R & R, it conjures up the concept of rest and relaxation. However, when it comes to addiction and mental health, the R words that I think of are Relapse and Recovery. Oh, and there's one more: Ready.
2017 has been a struggle for my son. He's maintained sobriety from opiate use, but began using cannabis and drinking alcohol again. He thinks of it as self medicating, yet his mental health is suffering, not improving.
It came to a head this summer. To top it off, he decided to stop taking Suboxone – almost cold turkey instead of a slow taper with support from his treatment team. The effect is terrible. He's irritable and agitated. The cravings are strong. Anxiety and depression are ever present and getting worse.
Last week he admitted that things aren't working and that he hadn't anticipated the impact of going off Suboxone. To his credit, he made an appointment with a mental-health professional and decided to go on an anti-depressant. Of course, they counseled him about the risks of using marijuana and alcohol while taking the medication.
No more than a few days into the new approach, he left one morning and didn't come home later in the day to get ready for work. He didn't go to work that evening. He didn't come home that night. He didn't respond to text messages or phone calls. The next day, he didn't show up at home or work, and still wasn't responding to outreach. His medication was on his dresser. The day after that, he still hadn't made contact – with us or with any of his friends.
He's 25 – an adult. We give him space and let him take responsibility for his life and decisions. In years past, he reacted terribly when we intervened claiming we were overreacting – that's the addiction talking.
In the three years he's been in recovery from opiate use, he's never missed work. He's always kept us posted on his whereabouts and work schedule. He's always let us know if he was going to stay at friends for the evening.
Given this, you can imagine our concern and worry. This behavior was out of the ordinary. Where was he? Had something tragic happened?
Through the grapevine, we learned he texted a co-worker that he'd been picked up for public intoxication and was being taken to detox. Two days later he texted the co-worker, "I'm out :)".
It's concerning, but we are grateful he's alive. Now, we're wondering what is next.
It's now been another 24 hours and he hasn't come home or responded to our outreach.
We don't take it personally. We're not mad. We're not going to yell at him or lecture him. We're simply concerned and want to be supportive. We want to have communication. We want to have him in our lives. We want him to come home.
This all reminds me of the earlier days of his addiction journey, which further reminds me that recovery is possible and available to him, again, when he is ready.
Our family dog is the best-ever LADC (licensed alcohol and drug counselor). This rescue mutt came to us in early 2013. He was 14 weeks old and 19 pounds.
Little did we know what a prominent role he would play in our family – particularly in our son's life as he lives through addiction, sobriety, recovery and relapse.
At the time, our son was 19 and he was deep on his addiction path.
Although I had hope, I realistically knew that tragedy was a distinct possibility.
He was bouncing between living at home, sofa surfing and being homeless.
He was every bit as much in need of rescue as our sweet puppy.
Watching our son meet and interact with the puppy was pure delight. His heart showed. A smile returned. A tenderness came forth. Although he was struggling, he always had a few minutes to play with the puppy, take him outside to go potty and take him for walks around the neighborhood.
It was a bright spot for all of us to observe the bond and it was a reminder that there was a happier, healthier young man waiting to emerge from addiction.
It didn't happen right away, of course, and even when he decided to go to treatment about a year later it also included a devastating and rapid relapse that once again reminded us how fragile addiction renders its young adults.
Later that year, he would decide again to pursue treatment, sobriety and recovery. This time it took. Our son was three years free from opiate use in July 2017. During this time, he got a job, earned money to return to college and got straight A's in his classes.
They spent many hours together. The love between the two warmed our hearts, and each one thrived in many ways.
But then there was a shift. Tiny at first, but unsettling. Then another shift, and then another and another.
Here we are eight months later. Our son's personality – characterized by attitude, mood and behavior – has changed significantly.
We're all too familiar with his current state and fear the direction it's headed.
Exaggeration? No. It's a pattern we recognize, a pattern we've experienced before, a pattern we do not welcome but that we must acknowledge regardless. It's no longer just mom's and dad's radar, it's the dog's too.
Without a doubt, the dog knows. He waits by the mudroom door.
When will my guy return he wonders. When are we going for an adventure he wonders. When will we hang out together he wonders. Why is my guy always sleeping when he's home? Why won't he talk nicely with Mom and Dad? Why didn't he celebrate his birthday? Why do I see his car down the street instead of coming home? Why did he come home and go right to his room? Why did he leave in the middle of the night? Will he come back?
The routine has changed, and our dog doesn't understand. He doesn't want to eat. He just wants to wait for his guy and get back to the sober, recovery days.
What a Difference Recovery Makes!
Life with #SoberSon is going pretty well these days.
Three years ago, not so much. Then finally recovery came. For real this time.
Because things were so bleak, it was hard to be hopeful but our family maintained a hopeful outlook even on the darkest days.
In our son's early recovery, our hopes slowly turned into beliefs as he began to rebuild his life.
Attending and graduating from a high-intensity out-patient treatment program focused on addiction to opioids.
Working through his journey with an amazing LADC.
Rebuilding relationships with family and friends.
Getting a job and saving money.
Returning to college to get an associate's degree in mathematics – and paying for it himself!
Making plans to complete his bachelor's degree.
Thinking about law school in the future.
This partial list is a living, breathing reminder that #SoberSon is making progress. But what makes it all the more rewarding is that he shares his successes with us – and his challenges. That's not the way it always was when he was using.
Now he's more of an open book, which in turn means we trust him more and give him even greater privacy and independence. It's amazing how that works.
In spite of all the positive things going on, life still has its ups and downs but #SoberSon is better equipped to deal with these and it warms my heart when he shares the good and the not so good. He knows we are on his team – just as we always have been. But now he believes it.
Setbacks no longer derail him, and for that I am proud and happy. Yes, recovery works!
Growing up, my mother used to sing "Summertime and the livin' is easy." With her Southern drawl – she was from Georgia; it was nearly 40 years before she relocated to Iowa, where I was born — the lyrics, melody and beat transposed this Midwestern kid to another time and place.
That same song used to get my three kiddos laughing and hamming it up when it came on the oldies station. #SoberSon, in particular around age six to 10, used to get a real kick out of it. Just thinking about it brings a smile to my face, a memory of truly good times.
Since embracing sobriety during summer 2014, #SoberSon has made such progress in recovery. He successfully completed a treatment program and continues to see his counselor regularly. He enrolled in college classes and earns tuition and books with his part-time job.
The first semester (spring 2015) that he started at the community college, he did so with a sense of responsibility but it took an inordinate amount of time and energy to take placement tests, write an appeal letter, register for classes, meet with his academic advisor, order textbooks and get ready for class. But, come the first day of classes, he was ready and he dug in to studying, earned excellent grades and committed to taking classes again for fall semester 2015.
During that first summer without classes, I worried about him having time on his hands, but he managed it quite well and was rested and ready for fall semester. By this time, he knew the ropes and truly committed himself as a student. Ditto for spring 2016. Excellent study habits paid off with excellent grades … and exhaustion – welcome summer break 2016.
This summer is so pleasant. He isn't sleeping in all day. He isn't playing video games all day. In addition to his part-time job, he's been reading books, catching up on some television series, taking the dog on adventures, helping his sister ad brother in-law out with their dog, and sharing the family car with his younger brother. He's also had a bit more social life this summer catching up with old friends.
In other words, he's savoring summer and we are all thoroughly enjoying the routine. But, he's also looking forward to the school year ahead. Before the end of June, he'd outlined his fall semester classes and completed registration in July. What's more, he had already earned the tuition. And, just this weekend, several of his fall textbooks arrived. Last night, he even shopped for school supplies.
Sobriety and recovery continue to evolve for #SoberSon. Being able to savor today while looking forward to tomorrow is clearly an encouraging sign. The "Summertime" tune is stuck in my head as I do a little mom dance just thinking about his sobriety!
We hear a lot about service as an important part of recovery. Midwestern Mama observes #SoberSon experience the boost in self-esteem that comes from helping others – this time, a rescue puppy who needs a home.
Just as there is no one-size-fits-all treatment program, the same should be said for recovery. My son floundered in traditional approaches yet has thrived in the past 18 months through a guided, but self-directed program. In addition to counselors and family members, our family dog has been a central part of his recovery, and most recently, a new dog has offered him an opportunity to grow.
Enter a two-year-old pit-bull mix from a local adoption program that works through foster homes instead of shelters. Our daughter and son in law are fostering the puppy until it gets its "forever" home. Because they work overlapping full-time schedules, there are some points during the day when they need someone to let out the dog, take it for walks, and give it some love.
Enter #SoberSon. His spring semester college schedule has him wrapping up classes by early afternoon a couple days each week, so he's able to take on dog duty those days. Not only is this another example of the growing trust that our family now has in our son – he has a key to their house – it's an awesome opportunity for him to volunteer his time in exchange for tail wags and dog kisses!
He realizes that he's saving the dog's life and helping it heal from whatever past it may have had.
He commented the other day that, "it's all about giving him a second chance." My heart melted because, I think he realizes that he, too, got a second chance when he embraced treatment, sobriety and recovery.
Blogs I'd like to write, but haven't yet written.
The more I write, the more I want to write – mostly before there is always more I want to share. This is certainly the case when it comes to Our Young Addicts. There is so much to talk about and so many topics that parents, young people in recovery, and addiction/treatment professionals want to read about.
As the back-to-school season moves forward, I have less and less time to write. Fall is always a busy time for my business (unrelated to Our Young Addicts, although I do have a few clients in the addiction space). In addition, I am an adjunct professor at a local university, so I'm in the classroom two nights a week plus grading my students' papers. And, as every parent knows, the school year brings extra commitments – getting up earlier to get my 15-year-old off to school, encouraging good homework habits, carpooling to sports practice, and more.
My day is the same as yours. Twenty four hours. No more. No less.
Yet, I still want to give Our Young Addicts just as much energy, passion and content as the summer months. Some of that I put in play with our #SoberSchoolYear campaign with Tweets and Facebook posts running daily to offer tips and insights.
As well, I owe you all a good update on #SoberSon and his continued success with recovery as well as an honest account of some of the struggles that run parallel on this path. These real-time observations prove valuable no matter where your kid (of any age) may be on the spectrum of experimentation, use, addiction, treatment, relapse, and recovery.
For now though, I'm just going to share a whole bunch of topics that I'd like to write about at some point. Let me know what you think. Tell me which ones are of greatest interest. I remain committed to one post per week about our family's journey; one guest post per week from a parent, young person in recovery, or addiction professional; and one #TBT column – because there is so much wisdom in the early days of my son's addiction and its impact on the family.
Coming to terms with we didn't cause this, can't change this, can't control this, can't cure this … yet were supposed to do these "influential things" that still might not work, reconciling all this.
Dual diagnosis – are there different rules for support? For action? For expectations?
In one of my many English courses, I remember someone attributing this quote to Ernest Hemmingway, "I don't like to write, I like having written." This says a lot about the discipline of writing and the compulsion to edit. For this and many other reasons, I have never thought that I should edit content for Our Young Addicts – that it should come from the heart and brain to the page, just as it is.
There you have it, just as it is!
Thanks for reading and for your continued support and participation as part of the #OYACommunity.
True to his word, Midwestern Mama's #SoberSon will return to community college this fall, and he's doing it on his own. Another example of recovery in progress!
Back to the lecture hall for fall classes at community college.
Fall classes at my son's community college don't start until the end of August, but he's already registered and has earned enough money for tuition and books. This is significant. It's nothing short of an amazing transformation from addiction to recovery.
Just think, a year ago he had started another treatment program and it really felt different – better – this time. That alone was encouraging for us and empowering for him. We had hope, but in the past the new-car smell would wear off and we'd be left with another broken-down clunker.
As he went through the treatment program and began living in recovery, he started talking about going back to college part time. By December, he had completed the necessary steps including an appeal to override previous academic suspension from his addiction days.
His spring classes were tough, but he dug in and committed to attending and studying – receiving an A in English Composition and a B in Differential Equations and Linear Algebra.
While building his confidence, it also stressed and exhausted him to the point that he decided not to take summer classes.
It's takes hard work to get back in the swing of doing home work and studying for college classes.
Amid a more relaxed schedule this summer and a lot of video games, we've been hopeful that he would return to community college in the fall. However, we know not to push or hover because that stresses him.
True to his word, however – and this is a new behavior that we are coming to appreciate more and more each day – he just registered for fall classes AND informed us that he's earned enough from his part-time job to pay tuition and buy books. He's moving from eight credits up to 12 credits, a nice manageable load, and I'm looking forward to the routine of having him in class and doing homework, but not until we enjoy another month of summer!