Dear Annie: My mom won't leave my dad and I'm ready to step away from all the drama
Updated: Jan. 19, 2023, 10:45 a.m. |
Published: Jan. 19, 2023, 6:05 a.m.
Annie Lane writes the Dear Annie advice column.
Annie Lane | creators.com
Dear Annie: I have never been ignorant to the fact that, in my opinion, my parents' marriage sucks. My dad is and has always been controlling and domineering. And my mom just exists and really believes it is her job to just be submissive. (These are people married since the 1950s.)
But the last couple of years, particularly 2020-present, my dad has really sucked. I'm not sure if he's going through a midlife crisis or if he is just the worst man ever. He leaves all day and does as he wills. He has come home with new cars (yes, more than one), and she had no say. I've seen her call, and he doesn't answer his phone. My mom claims he hides money and spoon-feeds her finances like she's a kid. (This is nothing new, but it has gotten worse.) It's been "secret but not-so-secret" talk around the family of him supposedly cheating recently. And even more damaging, he just seems like he doesn't care for her.
I see it in his demeanor and behavior. He is cold, and it's sad to see my dad be that way. I don't live with them, and I try to stay in my own lane. But when I do visit and I am around them, it's a disconnect that's horrible. It's so uncomfortable, and it makes me not want to visit or be around them.
I have informed my mom it's OK to divorce. And it's not OK to allow anyone to treat you like you're nothing; she doesn't deserve it. I (and others in the family) am more than willing to help her leave and divorce my dad. But he's all she knows; she lives and breathes him, and she has given up on life. It's just sad that after 50 years, he is doing this.
But I have my own life, and I cannot carry people who refuse to acknowledge dysfunction. Lately, I have decided to no longer engage or be involved. I don't converse with my dad often, and I haven't confronted him because I'm concerned he'll take it out on my mom, and my mom has burned me (we don't have a great relationship) in the past and has told me to stay out of how they choose to live. But yet she continues to run to me and others complaining. I have informed her that when she's ready to divorce, I'm willing to help. But I have my own life I have to live. Am I wrong to move forward, build boundaries and not engage anymore? -- Concerned
Dear Concerned: This must be very hard to witness as a son. Unfortunately, one of the most difficult truths when it comes to dealing with friends and family is that we cannot help those who do not want to help themselves. I commend you for being proactive and communicative with your mother, but if she does not want a divorce -- which is an enormous and frightening step to take -- then you cannot force it on her. Forcing yourself to suffer by getting further involved in your parents' affairs will not do anyone any good.
As for your father, it is interesting that this hurtful behavior began in 2020 -- a time of great difficulty for many of us. It's quite possible that he is struggling himself and taking it out on your mother. I would pull him aside and explain how hurtful his behavior is toward you and your mother, and ask if there is anything going on in his life that is causing such a change. Getting both of your parents into therapy is a worthwhile first step.
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"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit Creators Publishing for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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