Losing or finding myself in motherhood.
One of my greatest fears in becoming a mother was that I would lose myself in motherhood, and not recognize the person I had become after having children.
It seems silly, now. Did I think who I was at 29 was who I was always going to be? Was I actually scared of growing and stretching and changing?
If anything, I've uncovered a more profound and complex version of myself that I never knew existed. As a mother, I have had to dig deeper into who I am. Parenthood has required more of me than any other role I have taken on: more love, more patience, more authenticity.
I can't be a different version of myself around my kids. They see me and know me. And I want to be my best.
Becoming a mother has changed me, and I have found a more beautiful version of myself. It turns out she was there all along, but it took me birthing two beautiful children to have a rebirth of me.
It has taught me to care less about appearances and more about l o v e.
It has taught me to offer myself and others more g r a c e.
It has given me a c o n f i d e n c e I didn't know was lacking. Ultimately, I am the only one in the world who has a mother's intuition about my own kids. I know them better than anyone else, and that means I am uniquely qualified to make decisions for them.
It has taught me to s l o w d o w n, play, adventure, wander, explore- with no end goal in sight, except for enjoying the experience.
It has given me the opportunity to have more f u n and j o y.
It has taught me to love, more deeply than I could have ever imagined. One thing that I didn't expect about parenting is that my heart would physically ache if I was feeling worry or fear about my children. The moment I saw each of my babies after they were born, there was such a natural and deep feeling of love and calling to p r o t e c t and n u r t u r e.
It has made me more v u l n e r a b l e than any other role I have taken.
Just this week, as I walked into Everett's room after brushing my hair that was still wet from the shower, he exclaimed, "mama, you're beautiful." He sees beyond what I can even recognize in myself: a deep beauty. And because of that, I feel called to see and nurture the beauty within me, too.
goldiknocks May 22, 2017 at 1:51 AM
I just have to write and tell you that I am crying while reading this post. You've seem to capture so much of the hardness and beauty of motherhood, it really speaks to me. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job at being a mother and an even better job at being the best version of you. <3
brooke May 28, 2017 at 8:28 PM
That's sweet of you to say. Thank you. If only we could get together and let our kids be crazy while we chatted over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine! That would be the best.