How Loving Yourself Can Help Change the World
'Designated Survivor' actress and mentor Chelsea Harris on the ways women of any age can build belief in themselves — and become formidable forces for good.
A Creative Collaboration By Dove and Shondaland
Given the daily messaging most women are inundated with — you must do "x" or you'll never be good enough for "y," you better dab on some "a" to make "b" disappear — it can be a struggle for us to believe we're worthy. That negative self-talk often begins at a young age and can lead to years of detriment and missed opportunities — which is a pattern "Designated Survivor" actress and self esteem mentor Chelsea Harris wants to stop. Growing up, Harris was bullied about her looks, and though she had acting aspirations, she didn't believe she could succeed. Today, she's not only a working actress with dozens of TV credits (including an appearance on Shondaland's own "Grey's Anatomy") but she's also made it her mission to give girls the same thoughtful, empathetic guidance she was lucky enough to receive as a teen — guidance that helped her achieve her dreams. We caught up with Harris to learn more about her daily practices for affirmation, the wisdom she's passed on to (and gained from) mentees, and the ways in which our own self-love can be revolutionary.
Shondaland.com: Who raised you?
Chelsea Harris: My parents are the biggest influences in my life. My mom, especially. Not only is she a mentor for so many people, but she is the person that I turn to any time I need advice, even as a 28-year-old woman. She is the light of my life. My dad was [also] a major influence. He had such a big presence in my school experience. He was the vice president of the PTA — which of course thrust me even more into the spotlight — but he had experienced a lot of the same bullying issues that I had when I was younger. He always had such a compassionate heart whenever I was having a rough day.
SL: When you were 16, you participated in the Dove Self-Esteem Project. What was the greatest lesson you learned going through that process?
CH: The greatest lesson I learned was that I get to be in control of the narrative that I live by. That I don't have to take on these other ideas of who I am and what I should be like and what I should look like, that the people around me are telling me or that I think that I'm getting from social media, from the news, etc. That I get to be in control of how I see myself. And it has been the most empowering tool of my life.
SL: That's something I think many people struggle with, even as adults. How do you maintain that today?
Chelsea Harris as Tricia Sims on "Designated Survivor"
CH: For me, it's about slowing down. You wake up in the morning, you check your email, you hop on social media, you're watching TV, and how often are we actually taking the time to check in with ourselves about what we're receiving and the thoughts that are going on in our head, and then the stories that we tell ourselves about the outside information that's coming in? So on a daily basis — because it's a practice — [I] sit in bed and meditate. [Also,] on my bathroom mirror, it says, "No doubt, no matter what." That message is really important for me, because so much of what I'm told as a woman is that I should doubt myself — how I speak, how I dress, how I look. So simply having that message there to remind myself daily, "Nope, you don't get to doubt, you know who you are." And then also taking time at the end of the day to check in with myself, like, OK, how do I feel like I did today? What am I telling myself that's really disempowering, and how can I change that?
SL: That process of reflection is so important. Going off of that, what would you say to your younger self, the girl who was struggling and didn't believe she could succeed?
CH: The number one thing I would tell myself, which is something so many young women need, is it's going to be alright. You're going to be OK. There are so many times where I felt like, my gosh, how can I just get through the day? Because my self-esteem was so low. I had so much internalized anger and self-hatred that if somebody I admired were to turn to me and just say, "Hey, you're alright, it's going to be OK" — that alone would have helped me so much.
It really doesn't take a lot to inspire someone, to help soothe some of their frustrations and their pain.
SL: Is that partly what inspired you to mentor other young women?
CH: Absolutely. When I was younger, having a mentor is what really helped to pull me up to the surface. And thank god that I had a mentor in Jess Weiner, who works with Dove, [and] has just been an incredible presence in my life. What she was able to do for me, I now get to turn around and do for somebody else. It really doesn't take a lot to inspire someone, to help soothe some of their frustrations and their pain. And if I have a little bit of time to do that, and any sort of wisdom that I've gained, then I feel like it's definitely my duty to send the elevator back down.
SL: What's your favorite piece of wisdom to pass on to mentees?
Find those things that are unique to you and really celebrate them.
CH: Find those things that are unique to you, whether it be how you look, whether it be the things that inspire you, the hobbies you have, your sense of humor — find those things that are unique to you and really celebrate those. When we're putting our attention to the things that we love about ourselves, then we're not putting our attention on the things that we don't like about ourselves, or about our environment or about our experience. Find those things in yourself and focus on that, make it bigger, amplify it.
SL: Do you have any tactics for young women — practical things they can do — to establish a daily practice to build up self-esteem?
CH: Meditation is one. I keep a gratitude journal where I write anywhere from 15 to 50 things each day that I'm grateful for. I [also] love to dance. Dance, to me, is one of the most powerful ways we can celebrate ourselves, because it's just you intuitively moving, and allowing whatever movement that wants to come through. It's a way that we can get into our bodies and really celebrate and love on our bodies.
SL: As a mentor, you obviously have a lot to offer your mentees, but I'm wondering if there's been a favorite lesson or something important you've learned from one of them?
CH: The biggest lesson that I've taken away [from one of my mentees] is that it's OK to ask for help. [She] reached out to me one day recently, and said, "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I just need some help. I just need somebody to sit with me and to speak with me. This is what's going on in my life, can I just talk to you for a few minutes?" Asking for help is so vulnerable. And yet, the only way that we can get help is by asking for it.
SL: You work with younger women, but do you think these practices can also work for women your age, or older women who've struggled with self-esteem for years?
CH: My mom actually sat through one of the Dove Self-Esteem workshops recently, and what we discovered in that process is, "Whoa, she's dealing with the exact same issues that I was dealing with, and that Caralyn, our mentee in the film, was dealing with." I really do think that these issues — especially around confidence, self-esteem, beauty, and beauty as a source of confidence — [they're] so universal. I think the practices are the same as well, whether it be meditating, affirmations, checking in with yourself, gratitude, dance, [or] finding those things that you love about yourself and really amplifying those — whether you're 8 years old or 80 years old.
The biggest lesson that I've taken away is that it's OK to ask for help.
SL: How do you define beauty and self-esteem?
CH: My definition of beauty is loving myself, [including] the parts that I deem are really great and that look good to other people, and the parts that I want to hide. All of it makes up who I am as a person. A dynamic person has both sides to them, and the people that we deem the most beautiful, the most inspiring, they have both sides. So loving all of it is my definition of beauty. My definition of self-esteem… what having high self-esteem feels like [is] waking up in the morning excited to conquer the day. Where I'm not looking at, Oh gosh, I don't fit into these jeans, and ugh, my body looks like this, or my skin looks like this. I'm not focused on that, because I'm so internally filled up that I can focus out[ward] on how can I be of service to the world around me.
Beauty comes in so many different forms, and nobody else gets to decide that but you. Years ago we didn't think — culturally, as a society — that having big, curly hair as an African American woman was [beautiful]. And now it is, because we decided. We decided that we liked it. Having full lips, full hips — that wasn't a trend at one point in history, [but] we decided it [is now]. And so why not decide that for yourself? Why do you have to wait for somebody else to tell you that what you have is special and exceptional, and that you should love it? Why not love it because you have it?
In Season 2 of Real Beauty Productions, Dove and Shonda Rhimes have teamed up to share the incredible stories of Dove Self-Esteem Project graduates who can inspire others to embrace their beauty, develop confidence and reclaim their power. Tune into "An Hour With Her" and change how a girl sees herself and imagines her potential – your #HourWithHer can improve a girl's self-esteem for a lifetime.
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