i started thinking about wild, and i realized it's wild that has served to help pull me out of this darkness, like a magnet or a dry towel pulling moisture off one's skin, or like the sun evaporating away only the most useless pieces and leaving me w/ the most essentials.
i was missing wild, and i never imagined it would come ever come my way, in any way other than my death, tbh; i do like this new knowing much better.
and then i thought that how you get to approach wild makes all the difference. for me, i'm coming from chaos so wild feels at first like more crazy. you came to it from a frustrated, undesired, boredom, and your experience was all primed for a fascinating and enjoyable exploration. for me, it's the same wild but my ability to plunge in is simply different.
and what matters (drum roll!!) is that wild exists at all (to be cherished and explored at anytime) not how much one can partake, and now i have it back in my life.
Sure, there's maybe a downside to wild i don't really know. i don't know much, b/c it's not that needed. it's easier just to do what's needed, and be Love.
It's actually an incredible time. Everything, me mainly, is/am almost infinitely vaster than ever. I will send you some writing but that one bit from Alan Watts about the entire universe experiencing each moment through every single one of is, has shifted everything. I can hear All Love cheering us on, yearning for each of us to feel safely and fully Alive.
twice over the weekend she started to dip into the fear, and i stood strong w/ her and told her she had to decide, whether to let the fear gallop away w/ her or to choose another path, where she is strong, and she is capable of facing life as it comes, and both times she was quiet and thoughtful and she decided to take the path away from fear.
so here's my normally composed 13 y/o daughter, bobbing, babbling, clawing at her flesh, banging her head into her fists, smashing her leg or my hand, yelling at them to get out! as if infested by a hoarde of mean, fast-moving fear creatures. she was tormented, and did not have the capacity (wisdom, gravitas, strength...) to fight back and regain control of her bodymind. she had slept little more than 4 hours a night decent for 5 nights running, and eating was a low priority in the face of a truly destructive assault on bodymind's existence.
she was losing the battles, and the battles kept coming. we called 911 and paramedics came and talked w/ her and offered her to goto the ER in their ambulance or with mom and dad and she chose the latter, finally admitting that she needed more tangible, structured support than she was getting at home. We knew it (made the call) but it was hard to come to, that decision, to call first responders to come to our home b/c we and our daughter were unable to cope w/ present tense reality—meaning, i nor tina nor sas could guarantee that we had her ongoing survival as well in hand as needed. we didn't. she had crossed the line of being a threat to herself or others, and so we drove to the ER.
they medicated her (zyprexa) and w/i 30 mins she was lucid and chatting. i used to think that these drugs were artificial or completely external, but there was something endogenous about her bodymind's reaction to that medication, to indicate to me a re-think. perhaps something truly organic was going on, in sas's madly complicated system, like maybe people w/ diabetes feel about sugar and insulin, or i feel about nightmares and cortisol. things are wicked convoluted, and we need to bring many agents to bear on our collective and individual behalf.