I am seated on my bed as I write this, seems to be a birthday eve ritual every year and no that's not a photo of my cake, but there will be a photo of the cake on my facebook page. Yes, I have turned into those girls. It's my birthday and if selfies on my timeline with a cake make me smile, I definitely will post one.
The first thing I did was close my timeline on facebook. I hate pretentitious on the wall happy birthdays! I am such a drama queen at some level…..but please refer to the statement where I said it is my birthday and I get to do what I want! Let's just make it clear that for the next 24hours life is basically going to be about me. Wait, it always is but this one is like a right, and if I say no facebook posts by calls with singing of the birthday song then that is what I will have #Thumps a bible#.
Haha, I guess I am on a roll today.
Last year at this very exact moment, I was sitting in this very same bed and instead of blogging, I was writing on my pink diary! The one I always talk about a lot. I loved much of what I wrote, I believed then and well I could list all of them here. So when I decided to write this today, which has been a while, I did not know what I would love to say. Wishes? Normally I would just write a list of what I want to do by my next birthday and review the old one.
Find something that scares you, rummage it through your brain until it hurts, then write about it.
I rarely write about me on this blog. I would love to give my wish list, but my wish bucket is full of too many what if moments and those, I am exhausted over. So I will write about me instead.
Last night, over a drink with my friends we were discussing normal issues and as usual they were bitching about love and men. She says she has never experienced a heart break, I told her I love the fact that I did get to that point. It meant that I have fallen in love. What I loved most about it is that now I can face anything.
23! I am growing and time is moving fast. My 22nd year started off badly. One text changed my life I think. In a bad way and a good one. It was selfish, but then I am selfish. I am glad it happened to some level, I am not to another. I do not live with regrets but like I said my wish jar is full of what ifs. It is my birthday eve and I am not excited as I always am. Maybe it is because I have work tomorrow, or that I have to buy cake for my workmates yet I always like the surprise element directed to me or or or…..but I am just thinking of it as a tomorrow.
I think I have lost too much with the year that has passed. I have equally gained much. It's like a sunset and a sunrise. One takes, one gives, it is perfect.
I have grown as always. I do not think of good and bad as two different sides of the same coin. I finally have a grey area. I think good and bad depends on which side on the coin it is you are standing. I do not fear loss anymore, when certain people walk out of your life, then you stop wanting to make everyone stay.
I am more interested in my writing, in making it better. I am now more willing to try out different things and see how I can work around it. I am more devoted to it. I do not wonder why some things happens, that would be opening my "what ifs" jar.
I still believe in love but I do not pursue it intently. If it happens when it will then I hope it will work out. I think love is great and amazing and should be the only reason why people date, but it does not make the world go round. It does not make my world go round. Honesty does. Integrity does. Those two will always rate higher than anything else.
I have gotten to a point of obsession, about wanting a baby. Someone thinks it is me compensating for something. I think I can work the logistics because I am the only one who sees babies as a bundle of joy and not a financial burden. Though I do get where they are coming from.
I have learnt to live life as each day goes by. Has a lot to do with the fact that recently, on a plane, it gave me the scare of my life. I do not know how long it will take before I can comfortably get into one again. I say life is short but I do not mean you YOLO in the "generation y" sort of way. I mean live life knowing you will not think you never fully lived tomorrow.
So I have changed. I wonder if I am any different than I was one year ago. Maybe not, but hell yes and the weight scales say so…haha. I anger less because I simply do not acknowledge some things. It does not mean stuff won't piss me off. They will and I will probably lose your number and put you on a reject list damn it! But I will talk myself out of a lot of rude words I would have spewed. I do not know what my take on friendship is. I still make the effort but I am sticking to the ones I know. People have the unfailing habit to disappoint a lot.
I respect my dad more. I love him more too because as I said I think a lot about if tomorrow never comes. If I said dad, then you all wonder about mum. Do not over-think it.
I am less happy than I was then. Life was simpler or maybe I am bipolar and if I wrote this article 2 hours late I will be ecstatic. It does not mean I am sad, it just means routine doesn't work out for me. I know the value of money, haha and I totally love it. I love the independence that this life brings but I hate the responsibilities it comes with.
I am less open about me. I do not care that it comes out as being cold let us just say it works for me. I still love the simplicity of life. I do not identify with what everyone deems cool but what I deem cool. This can be a walk in the afternoon with my music on and I will have a great day.
I want to one day put some good music and just drive, on my birthday, towards something or away from something, but just go. On one of this fine birthdays.
Wait, does it mean I finally can't sing and identify with Taylor Swift's 22? Ummmph!
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