A noise like thunder echoes in the distance. Over the hilltop rushes a stampede of loosely bound paper manuscripts, pages flying in the wind. Behind them, swirling a lasso and trying to round them up, comes our next author: Kyle Robert Shultz!
Kyle Robert Shultz began writing in his early teens after being bitten by a radioactive book. As a Christian, he strives to write fiction that is entertaining and wholesome, but devoid of overt "messages" or agendas. He lives in the wilds of southern Idaho, removed far enough from civilization to keep humanity safe should any of his rough drafts break through the electric fence. Aside from writing, his other passions are worship music, digital art, horseback riding, and raising miniature sheep.
By pretending to be completely susceptible to the mass-hypnosis-via-cat-memes-and-videos plot which is even now taking place. I will swear allegiance to the feline overlords and rise in the ranks until I am the official liaison between them and the human race. In the meantime, I will organize and train a secret army of dogs to attempt a coup. Naturally, this coup will fail, but it will also create a global cat-vs.-dog apocalypse. I will then take advantage of the resulting chaos and seize control of the world for myself.
Crayon, definitely. You can easily switch on the fly from ordinary writing to communicating the story through expressive stick-figure drawings. Great strategy when your brain gets stuck in perpetual adverb mode.
What's your sign? Mine is that one that warns you to watch for falling cows.
Mine says to beware of vampire aardvarks.
Long dark passage with creepy noises to scare away intruders? Sounds like the perfect writing retreat. I'd buy it and move in. I presume the heat and the noises come from a dragon, which I would adopt and train to fly me triumphantly over the rooftops, spewing flame and wreaking havoc.
Gallifrey. I want my own TARDIS. Better yet, a whole fleet of TARDISes.
Tails. They improve balance and can act as an additional grappling appendage. Heads are too full of thoughts and ideas and worries and self-criticisms.
An armadillo and a moose. Just imagine. The impenetrable armor of the armadillo, plus the size and the antlers of the moose. TREMBLE BEFORE MY MOOSEADILLO.
Figure out how to become one yourself and join them.