7 reasons why Shia Labeouf can't fill Indiana Jones' shoes
More: harrison ford, shai labeouf
George Lucas recently told Fox News
"I haven't even told Steven or Harrison this," Lucas said. "But I have an idea to make Shia [LeBeouf] the lead character next time and have Harrison [Ford] come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out."
Derober believes that Shia LaBeouf fighting terrorists in an Indy-esque role would be, well, Hindenburg-esque. His character's name is Mutt for Christmas' sake! Paying audience says, "No ticket. No ticket." Why? Roll your mouse over each photo and enjoy the 7 reasons:
Shia doesn't meet Indy height requirements
Harrison Ford stands a solid 6'1″ while Shia LaBeouf is a petite 5'10". Indy is short for Indiana. Shia is short because he's short.
Indiana Jones punches men like a freight train. Shia LaBeouf punches women like a cotton candy hammer.
Have you ever heard Indiana Jones' punch sound effects? They're like a MAC truck full of roaring lions that just drove out of the Apocalypse. Their pitch frequency resonates at a level mankind will never fully comprehend. Blue whales off the coast of eastern Asia are rumored to be the only species that can decipher the code in Indy's punches. Only teletubbies can hear the sound of Ninnypants LaBeof's punches.
A LaBeouf and a Ford
The Surname Ford evokes strong masculine imagery of muscle cars and Americana. A LaBeouf is some sort of French Sea Monkey.
Harrison Ford's body of work is stout, while Shia LaBeouf is just a product of Disney.
Ford starred in not one, but two epic trilogies that helped catapult me into puberty–Star Wars and Indiana Jones (of course). He also did another little movie you might of heard of called The Fugitive. His presence on screen could captivate an army of ADD diagnosed children yipped up on cocaine. He could impregnate a woman (or man) with a subtle grin. Simply put, Ford wears the pants in any relationship. Shia LaBeouf on the other hand has a history of whoring himself out to massive audiences of children, staring in corporate gum-droppy kid's shows for Disney. No leading man of mine is a mouseketeer.
Short Round would make a better Indiana Jones than LaDouche
Short Round, the show stealer in Temple of Doom makes Shia look like She-Ra. My dead cat's name is She-Ra. Dollars to donuts Short Round could rip LaBeouf's beating heart out of his chest and laugh about it. No time for love Dr Jones!
Indiana is a ladies man, not a mangina
Harrison Ford can make girls wet by clipping his toe nails. True story. Ask Cary Fisher and I'll bet she'll plead the fifth due to a severe case of 'can't walk straight.' Shia on the other hand has a chick's name, 6 pubic hairs, and plays with transformers. Close the book on this one.
Our fingers are crossed that Shia's "lead singer" is indeed stuffed between his legs this is not an actual cooter.
General Douchebaggery
Shai exhibits feminine characteristics in all areas of running, jumping, swimming, skiing, and breathing. It's a sort of douche-aura he carries with him at all times. This is our appeal to George Lucas, please don't make this stubby little poser the next Indy -or Mutt, I should say. You have a responsibility to the next generation of Indy lovers. Do you want them to tell their kids, "I remember when Indiana Jones Jr. got himself in a spot with some snakes and soiled his diapers… strait through."
On a completely semi-related note, check out Shia's co-star on Transformers (The Megan Fox) topless HERE
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Han Solo got 'Leiad'
If you've ever been hit in the nuts with a sledge hammer while finding out that your girlfriend of 3 years cheated on you with your best friend then maybe you can begin to understand my pain. Pain from what you ask?? Rumors are surfacing that Shai LaGay LaBeouf will play the lead in Indiana Jones 5 if the movie gets made (which based on George Lucas' sequel track record it's a lock). Lucas went on to say,
"I haven't even told Steven or Harrison (Ford) this…But I have an idea to make Shia (LeBeouf) the lead character next time and have Harrison come back like Sean Connery did in the last movie. I can see it working out."
Well shit. While you're at it George why don't you make a few more sequels to Star Wars in which the lead characters are the Ewoks who come to replace all the Jedi. Yeah, kids would love that. Kids also love sticking their thumb up their ass and smelling it (so I've heard). Doesn't mean we should tolerate it.
More: carrie fisher, harrison ford
If you live your life vicariously through Star Wars like me this will come as a shock to you. In an interview for a British TV special, Carrie Fisher admitted to having an affair with Harrison Ford while on the set of Star Wars: A New Hope. According to Carrie:
"I went on the film saying 'I'm going to have an affair', like it was a kiwi, an exotic fruit — because I'd never had one!" She adds: "I had a crush on Harrison for sure. Harrison is great fun when he's had a few drinks."
Shaking her head and saying: "I'm going to get in so much trouble," she adds: "Once I left the room and came back and he was in the closet not wearing a lot of clothes."
This really changes things for me. Now I know why the scene in Empire Strikes Back when Leia declares that she loves Han he only replies "I know." He didn't want Carrie to get any ideas that things would progress past that night. When you're a player like Ford this is standard issue stuff. You have to let the babies know that all this man can't be held in one place. It has to be spread all over the world until the well runs dry.
Thank you Han, for spreading your greatness over us all.
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