I empathize with all others who do not see their grandchildren. I though that I was alone and had no idea that so many grandmothers were experiencing the same thing. I have one 4 year old grandaughter...who is the most precious, beautiful person in the world to me. My son (24) has been separated from the mom (22) for the past 2 years, but has his daughter almost as much as the mom. They both live in the same town that I live in....but I have seen my grandaughter on average 3-4 times a year. I have asked questions, cried to my son, offerred to babysit, bought birthday and Christmas presents, but got nothing in return...I can think of a personalized mug that I cherish and a framed photo. Mom does everything with her own family but my son never brings the child to my house EXCEPT to collect birthday and Christmas gifts....oh and upon my invitation, accompanied my husband and me to the county fair last year where we easily spent $150. This year I didn't even ask him to go.
My grandughter's birthday is in 2 wks. and I have no idea how to handle it..., let alone Christmas.
Please ANYONE reply so that I get feedback early enough.
Jaybob210, welcome to the site. I'm glad you found us, but so sorry to hear about your situation. You have probably read enough old posts to realize you most definitely are not alone. There will be more replies tomorrow when the east coast GM's are up and moving around.
If you haven't already done so, please read the Forum Agreement and How This Happened under Open Me First on the home page. We ask this of all new members to make sure the site is a good fit. Pam1 is the moderator on this particular board, but she's been busy so I jumped in to make you feel at home.
I think you've already figured out that your fawning attention to your DS is getting you nowhere. We've all been there! It's like a natural response some of us moms have when we sense we're being rejected. It sounds as if you've already stopped extending invitations and spending money. You're already moving forward! Good for you!
The hard part is ahead and it's a tricky time of year. IMO, Luise, the amazing woman who started this site, is correct in advising us all to let go of our expectations. We cannot control our AC/ILs but we can control our reactions to their behavior. It is possible to get through this, although it's probably more difficult when GC are involved.
Do something that will renew your spirits and help you reconnect with the woman you were before having kids. Give the kids some space and take the time to pursue your own interests and dreams. Often when the pressure is off, AC feel more like reconnecting with their parents.
After my son got married, he and his wife moved 1000 miles away to have their baby. I would have been thrilled to see the GB 3-4 times a year! But I can see it could be torture to have them so close and not see them.
My advice is to not take this personally. It may be healthier for you to think that your son has a lot on his plate to handle and his own personal struggles that you may not know about. Your sadness may be just too much for him to handle. He's still pretty young and things are tough for a lot of people - especially if he's in an unresolved marriage/separation. The best thing you could offer him is a cheerful respite from any troubles he has.
Did you want advice about the birthday? I think starting some sort of investment fund for you GD would be a good idea. Something that you contribute to and control and will give to her when she's 18. You can let your son know it's there if you want. This way, you don't have to worry about delivering the gifts or the gifts being rejected, etc.
Enjoy your husband, meanwhile! Go be the parents who are spending and enjoying the kids' inheritence!
I moved your posts into a new thread so that our other members can come in to welcome you. I'm glad you found us and will find a lot of support here, we have many posters who have faced similar issues.
IMO, you should think of yourself. What do you want to do for Xmas? Has there been any place you want to travel to/see/experience/do? You deserve those things and to have your holidays be times to look forward too.
Welcome Jaybop and yes, I understand. I'm sure DS is trying to carve his nitch out as a divorced Father and has so much to do. That's not your fault in any way, but you have made the offers of help (babysitting, etc.) and will just have to wait until he takes you up on it. Since he is still bringing her by 3-4 times a year, she will get to know you and know that you love her.
I agree with Doe about presents. Set her up with savings bonds, a bank account (in your name) etc..
I appreciate the responses and support so much, and agree with all the advice. BUT, I am having trouble with the idea of a savings bond or something similar. A 4 year old little girl has no idea what that is.... and this, in my opinion, would not provide any excitment factor that a Disney doll or tea set,etc. would.
Some GMs have started scrapbooks for their estranged GKs. They write about themselves, how much they love the GKs, notes about their lives, include photos and the cards they can't send...etc. They are hopeful that at some point in the near future they will be allowed to share these mementos with the GC to show how much they are loved. If the Ps are adamant about keeping the GC away, the GPs will have to keep adding to the scrapbooks until the GC reach adulthood.
No, it's not a tangible gift the GC can enjoy now, but it's an alternative in situations that make gift giving iffy. Just a thought.
Yes, but she'll know what it means when it counts. She might need that some day.
A 4 year old little girl has no idea what that is.... and this, in my opinion, would not provide any excitment factor that a Disney doll or tea set,etc. would.
I honestly don't think a 4 year old will notice which person she gets a gift from unless someone takes the time to point it out. I haven't been around 4yos for a while so maybe I'm wrong. I had the impression that you wouldn't be seeing her for the birthday. She'll know what money is when she's 18 and wants to be independent!
Buy a nice gift for your GD and ask your son and GD round to receive it .
Organise a lovely tea party and be happy .
Then your GD will remember her GM who made her a lovely party tea .
they may want to see you more often if you take off the pressure .
I know it hurts like fury but try and enjoy the time you are together .
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you but there are so many of us and it hurts but my advice is to find a life for yourself - turn away, it's difficult but you have to preserve your sanity. I moved on, I still feel the pain but there is nothing you or I can do about our situations, don't beg, don't buy gifts, turn away and concentrate on your life.
No point in severing that lifeline , no matter how weak it may be . He still brings your gd to see you albeit not too often . Cherish that time and make it fun ,.they WILL want to come back .
I have not seen my grandson for a couple of months and fear I might not ever see him again because my daughter and I got into a huge fight. I will go on and make a good life for myself in case he ever needs a home with me. Also, setting up a bank account for him has crossed my mind too.
It is sad but strange we are in this situation. My mother used to accuse me of keeping my daughter away from her but I never did. She was my free babysitter and the one I trusted most with my daughter. I guess at some point, my life moved in different directions and I forgot about my mother wanting to see my daughter because she never came to visit nor asked one time to see my daughter that she was denied the visit. However, on those visits my mother always said mean and unfair things to me...so, she was easy to forget after many years of it...sorry to say!
Right now, I have quit begging my daughter to see my grandson and the pain is unbearable. I miss him every day of my life but there is nothing I can do except go on. However, there is no one than can keep me from loving that baby and hopefully one day when he gets older, I will see him again somewhere.
Hopefully, our children are not deliberately trying to hurt us by keeping their children away but are so wrapped up in their own lives, they have simply forgotten about us and do not understand the pain we are in.
I don't get on this site too often but it's sad to see there are so many of us. Yes, set up a bank account for your grandchild, I've done that and hopefully when the grandchildren get older they will look us up.
My daughter is very selfish, sad to say that as well, but I realized it when my mother passed away the only thing she was interested in was "how much did she leave me". It's my dtr's birthday today (33 years old) and I haven't seen her in 6 months, was told 4 months ago she didn't want to see me again and I couldn't see my granddaughter because his (her partner's mother) is the grandmother. OK, and there is nothing I can do, if someone doesn't want you in their life there is nothing you can do.
Have faith and go on with your life. There will be times when it will really hurt, just cry, it helps (I know that sounds silly) but it works for me.