Wow! That is a huge decision, but all of your reasons are sound. Congrats on making the decision to stay a family of 4!
Thank you! It feels good. Since our talk, I've been happier, lighter, and easier to live with. This decision was stressing me out!
Your friend completely hit the nail on the head for me. "Having a third could change you into the mother you don't want to be." This is exactly it. For those days that we knew about #3, JJ and I were so stressed thinking, we're already stressed with two, what will it be like with one more? Then you add on finances, and everything else that you mentioned and it quickly became overwhelming. Hats off to those people who do it with 3+ kids, but I know we couldn't.
The fear of what #3 could be as far as health goes is something else I was worried about. I had two wonderful pregnancies, deliveries, healthy kids – I feel like I'd be playing with fire trying to do it again. Yep, yep. I agree with everything you said in that paragraph.
Thanks, Steph! I feel REALLY great about the decision – almost liberated. Our family feels more and more perfect for us every day!
Good for you for questioning yourself. msot people won't do that and then they are unhappy.
I think you have many great points here and the ones that hit home for me were the health of the next baby and finances and what kind of mother would I be? I am also terrified the next baby could have major issues. And I am in complete agreement with you that you should have as many kids as will match your income and preferred lifestyle. There is no shame in that. And lastly, I know I would not be happy with myself as a mother if I had another. I just wouldn't have the patience or attention to devote the way I would want to.
And oh god, I just can't imagine going back to that dark place of no sleep . . . . . . . . .
We just got out of the dark place of no sleep and that was a factor I forgot to write about. I can't go back there either.
Thank you for your comment about not having shame in wanting a preferred lifestyle. Some people roll their eyes at me but it's all relative to your own experience and desires – no one else's. Why don't people get that?
Wow! I am so happy for you that you've made this decision and feel so much peace about it. Your reasons certainly make a lot of sense- while having a child who isn't healthy is a blessing in a lot of ways, it is HARD and heartbreaking and not something you would wish for. We are going to try for a 3rd and while I'm excited about it (and have our own reasons that fit our particular situation) I am somewhat envious of people who are "done" and can move on with their lives- and yes, stay out past 6:00 pm- ha! Your boys are precious and I love your complete little family!
Thank you, Elizabeth! I have wondered if you'd have another… you're sure enjoying Charlotte! I am so glad to be done with certain things – and not the diapers and other obvious things (but I am glad to be done with sleepless nights!) – but the not knowing what our family is ultimately going to look like. I'm glad to be done with that wondering, and the worrying about IVF and the stress that comes with it. I needed those things to be behind me.
Such a huge news! I'm so glad you've come to a place of such peace and acceptance about all of this. I totally understand where you are coming from, your reasons are well thought out (and I hadn't considered some of them and I kept thinking, ah yes, I'm SO GLAD we came to the same decision as well). This post makes me happy. Congrats on being done with family building!
Thank you! It feels like a huge accomplishment, doesn't it? DONE WITH FAMILY BUILDING! Now what? HA!
That's definitely a huge decision! I've been selling / giving away all of my baby stuff recently, and it is HARD. Part of me wants a third, but I've decided it's just stuff, and if we do decide to have a 3rd. I'll get it donated back to me or we'll just buy it again. I totally understand and agree with so many of your points above though, and that's why I think we'll probably be done at 2. It's just hard to give up that dream of the big family I always thought I'd have!
Yes – it's hard to give up the dream and the wondering. I think everyone goes through it, even when they KNOW they're done, done, done. It's a sort of grief, you know? No more babies, no more first smiles, no more pregnancy. But… it's still good!
Whoa, I thought I already commented on this. Oops! Glad I came back again!
Well, firstly, I am so happy for you that this decision has come to you and it feels right. It is an awesome feeling.. and I know because just in the past couple of weeks, it hit me too. In the week or two after Ez was born, I thought, gosh, this can't be it. I need another one. I need to do this all again! But then the weeks that followed, I sat back at times and just soaked in moments with my new family of four and my gosh, it just felt so right. When I say, it felt so right, of course some of those 'rights' were that it was hard and I can't imagine doing it all with THREE!!! But also, it felt right in that we just fit perfectly together. It just felt like a family.. a completed family. Other than just having a 'feeling', we have many many of the same reasons as you for making this decision. Some of the big ones for us being travel (none of our family lives close so we will always have to travel.. and far.. just to see anyone). Our UK trip this Christmas cost over $4000 in just flights at that is with Ez still free… eek! Then just things like all of us fitting in our car easily with car seats, going on rides at amusement parks and always having a partner, playing sports and having a partner, running through airports and holding one kid's hand each, not having to expand our house or squeeze 3 kids into a tiny bedroom, the list goes on and on and on. Two is it for us. I was really really worried that the feeling would never come but out of nowhere, it did, and it feels good.
You know, what you wrote is so true! Right after Bryson was born, I said, "I'm not done. I need to do this again." But now, this just feels right. Our family feels complete. Since making this HUGE decision, I've been a more relaxed mother, and more jovial wife, a better friend. It was really weighing on me and given how I feel after deciding this, I know it was the right decision.
I love that you call Esme "Ez." So cute! That name, and her nickname, are just so unique and wonderful!
And one more thing, part of my decision as well was the car space, travel expenses, ease of travel, table for 4 versus table for 5, etc. Those little things matter, and thank you for not making me the only one who thinks about them!
I thought of those little things too – after working in a restaurant for years, it's much harder getting a table for 5! And the car situation, both of us would have needed new cars asap, and the travel expenses would be higher too. Might be small things, but not silly at all to consider.
I know what you mean about the way some people parent. I have two friends like that and it's so alien to me, to leave him so often. I just don't get it. I'm also with you on the complicated pregnancy thing. It is actually traumatic, going through a pregnancy where every twinge is significant and possibly life altering. Nothing can prepare you for that insane level of hypervigilance. It takes a personal toll that is hard to come back from when you're dealing with a newborn.
We only have jman, but after our experience, I just couldn't do it again. I couldn't go through that again, and can't even imagine doing it with a toddler. I agree, that feeling when you've run the gauntlet and made it with everyone ok, it feels like such a risk to do it all again.
Your friends advice about not being the kind of parent you want to be if you had 3, I think that's so valid and insightful. I remember reading about your experience with Bryson and shouting at the ipad going "for god's sake woman, are you mad? no more!". I'm sure. I wasn't the only one. Glad you got to some kind of pease with this. A good thing.
I've been wondering what your plan was. I'm so glad you commented on my post and gave me the heads up on this post! I feel you on so so much of this. Such a huge decision, and I'm so glad that you are happy and at peace with your path and that B is on the same page. The health concerns are a such a big terrifying component, and the being the kind of mother you want to be. I really worry about this, as I feel like I yell all day just to get Leopold to listen to me. It's totally exhausting. and frustrating. And then I'm chasing Kate around and saying no to her and pulling everything out of her mouth ( a ladybug last week!).