My husband has a sexual fetish that makes me feel disrespected
Jaseena Backer August 21, 2020
When her honeymoon turned into a horrible dream
We talk about everything, but he won't talk about this
Sex must always be with full consent and on equal terms
He doesn't understand why I find it degrading
It's never too late to object
"We had sex for the first time a week after the wedding while we were on our honeymoon. I never had sex before marriage and hence it was the first time for me. When we were done, Alok said he wanted to go for a golden shower and took me into the bathroom. I had no clue what that meant. He then made me sit on the commode and urinated all over me. I tried to stand up but for some reason, I had no energy. I sat in the bathroom in an utter state of shock. He then took a shower and walked off into the bedroom."
"I felt humiliated, but I didn't react at all. It was the first day of my life I was with him alone in another country and I felt lonely. I went quiet following that incident. Later that night we had sex once again and then he took me to the bathroom again. This time I was expecting him to urinate over me but it was worse than that. He wanted me to urinate on him. Another shock for me in the same day. He kept asking me to and I just couldn't do it. He then got angry and walked off. I couldn't sleep that night, as something that I have been looking forward to since my engagement had completely gone wrong. Then I knew my sex life won't be normal, ever. I was so disappointed," let out Nanda about the dark secret in her bedroom.
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"I could talk to Alok on any topic, but he never encouraged talk on this subject, though we did talk about sex. Every time we had sex, I couldn't enjoy because it eventually ended up with a golden shower. Though I didn't have sex before marriage, I had several discussions with friends and no one told me they have a golden shower after sex. So I knew I was in a strange sexual relationship," she continued.
Such men are called paraphiliacs, people with odd or deviant sexual desires which could also be perverted ones. A golden shower thus is slang for the practice of urinating on another person for sexual pleasure or getting urinated on. It is a popular fetish play. Golden showers are one act in a spectrum of fetishes or behaviours that would hardly be considered mainstream. It is something else if its consensual, as then it's passion driven, but without consent, it is perversion and abuse.
It is something else if its consensual, as then it's passion driven, but without consent, it is perversion and abuse.
"I have never enjoyed sex with Alok. It was physically painful, but it was more of a mental torture. I feel disrespected when he urinates on me. Urine is the waste we dispose from our body, so urinating on me makes me feel like a commode. That's the extreme form of disgust and disrespect. How can we tolerate disrespect in marriage, even if it's in the bedroom? I tried to talk to him, but he said that's the way he likes to end sex. There was no consent from me. Once he even had golden shower on me on the bed, as I refused to go with him into the washroom. If I refuse, then it becomes violent for a while," Nanda confessed.
It is pertinent to address this matter of one spouse is being turned on by something that is humiliating, degrading or just plain mean to the other spouse. Sexual availability to the spouse does not involve subjecting ourselves to humiliation. For a woman it causes domination, division, anxiety, confusion and isolation. The foundation of marriage, and therefore of sexual intimacy, is love. Hence forced sex is not a loving act.
"The problem here is that every other aspect of our marriage is fine except this one thing. Thinking of solutions was tough for me, as I couldn't disclose this to anyone. I read up on it on the Internet and came to know that this is a prevalent perversion, though not a common one. So I took the help of a counsellor," said Nanda.
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Sometimes perversion is pure abuse and the partner can be abusive in all aspects. But here Alok is good in all the areas of married life and this was the only place where there was a difference of opinion.
"To Alok there's a sensory aspect to it – it's warm, it's part of him. So there's that intimacy and sense of connection he feels when he discharges on me. He only sees his connection; he fails to see my disconnection. It was like falling entirely beneath a man's will unwillingly. With this whole debacle going on, I can't ask any of my friends about it nor seek their help. All the articles on the Internet seemed to address this as a horrible and shameful thing. Therefore, I know for sure he is wrong," Nanda explained.
Nanda wanted to know the reason for Alok's fetish, but with most fetishes, there typically aren't concrete reasons why someone likes what they like. It might have an emotional history if analysed or it may be a completely random thing that he just happens to enjoy. Fetish is like food preferences; there's not necessarily some psychologically meaningful reason why you're so obsessed with pasta.
"We didn't speak in detail about sex before marriage. I object every time and still he finds his way out. I am not willing to do it to make him happy, but I have not been able to stop him from doing it," she went on.
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It's really important not to shame your partners for their sexual interests and desires. It is commendable that you're willing to consider your partner's desires, even though they're not ones that you share. Then there is a boundary of consent and acceptance.
"I can't put up with this demeaning sex any more. Everything else falls apart when there is no respect. I have no love in this relationship because there is no respect from him for this act of intimacy. I am willing to make things better, but this life is stressing me out," she said.
Now going back and saying NO to Alok is going to take a tremendous amount of courage from Nanda, because the golden shower has been in Nanda's repertoire of sexual activity for a while. Now she also has to explain her dislike after consenting for a whole year. But every individual has a right to change their mind. Hence, Nanda should once and for all set her boundary on this issue in a subtle manner, yet keeping the doors of intimacy wide open.
If Alok still continues the act after her talk, then it is abuse and Nanda should then discuss it with family so that there is a solution. Or she should take Alok for counselling where he is told about consent and acceptance. Otherwise, the marriage will eventually break up.
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Aditi Mishra July 25, 2018 - 11:33 pm
To be frank the whole concept of oral sex appears much fetish to me.. I am quite certain to discuss it with any man willing to marry me!!
aksa sania July 25, 2018 - 10:40 am
like said in the conclusion, either, for once and for all, talk to him about it outside the bedroom, and if it still doesn't get solved, probably counselling or taking the matter to a close family member is necessary so as to not let the rest of the marriage fall apart.