To be a part of a clique, a team, a couple.
To mesh, submerge, diffuse and be one with everyone.
Their jokes run off your tongue ..but you are still not as funny…oh maybe for a moment.
You wonder why you don't fit in for too long. Sometimes you find a nice cosy place. You're comfortable, delighted… and not yourself.
You've practised your lines, have your facts together, updated on the headlines so you can drop a golden nugget during the conversation.
It's not something you are consciously thinking about, it's just inside you.. wanting to belong, wanting to be liked, wanting to be important.
You light that cigarette and order another beer while your wife cries her eyes out at home. Your heart defiant as you steel yourself to ignore the warning bells in your head. Her love is not stronger than this need you have, to fit in, to be a part of this group, to be somebody.
You defiantly listen to his conversation, even when you get an inkling he is attracted to you and likes you, because at this very moment, you matter, you are someone's lifeline. Your husbands laughing eyes flash before you for a moment.
You sit with people who smoke, even when you hate the smell of smoke, because it's the polite thing to do, and you don't want to shift the atmosphere by saying you don't like it, because…..it's nice belonging just for this moment.
Your heart hurts as that juicy bit of gossip is being discussed in the office, but you smile and nod along, maybe drop some of that gossip honey yourself because… you don't want to alienate the office people…because.. you have to belong. You have to belong….. you have to be .. accepted.
No. You were not meant to belong if it means destroying your spirit, your health… hurting your spouse, …being totally unrecognisable.
When the day ends…..can the person you woke up as at dawn …… recognise you who now lays down to sleep. You're a fraud and you know it. What parts of you have you given away today..just so you can belong?
again: What parts of you have you given away today..just so you can belong?
'I'll be alone!' you scream, covering your ears.
You won't belong trying to be someone else. You won't go far on the adoration that comes from people that know nothing about you.
The time has come. It's time to stop trying to fit in.