Flock Jokes
I was suddenly surrounded by a flock of sheep!
It was... a lambush!!!
A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa
A white scientist is studying an African tribe.
One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.
The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.
"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...
I was attacked by a flock of sheep and was sent to the hospital...
Luckily, I was only grazed.
An old farmer has watched his flock of sheep dwindle over the years until he finally decides to go and visit a local vet for answers. The vet suggests that the farmer try artificial insemination in order to bolster his flock numbers.
Being a simple folk, and too embarrassed to ask for clarification, the old farmer presumes that artificial insemination means that he must do the job himself of getting his sheep pregnant. So the next day he loads his sheep into his truck and drives them up to the top field at the end of his farm a...
There are two hills, each one with a shepherd with his flock of sheep on the top.
One day, one of the two shepherds loses a sheep and tries to ask to the other one if he saw the animal.
- HAVE YOU SEEN MY SHEEEEP?
The other man seems not answering, so both of them go down their hills to speak better. They're still far from each other, but the first one tries anyway to a...
Here's a joke about a man and his flock of sheep.
Stop me if you've herd it before.
What do you call a flock of sheep tumbling down a hill?
A lambslide
Did you know the 80's pop band "A Flock of Seagulls" is gaining alot of attention in the middle east? They're getting really popular in Pakistan, Afghanistan
And Iran, I ran so far away!
One day Jesus was delivering a sermon to his flock. "The path to the Lord lies at y=x2−4x+2". A passer-by leans over to Peter and whispers "what's he banging on about?"
Peter replies "don't worry, it's just one of his parabolas"
A women is out golfing and finds a frog trapped in the woods...
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog s...
Why could the flock of female sheep never remember anything?
Not enough Ram.
A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.
A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we'll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.
Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...
Dad: Look, there's a flock of cows!
Kid: 'Herd'.
Dad: What?
Kid: 'Herd' of cows.
Dad: Of course I've heard of cows. There's a whole fuckin' flock of 'em right there!
The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries.
And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....
A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep
It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.
Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.
So that ...
A Geography Lesson from Flock of Seagulls
Y'see, kids, Canada is to the north of the US, and Mexico's to the south, *and Iran, Iran's so far away*.
A sheperd and his flock of sheep wondered onto his grumpy old neighbors property and got stuck in a fenced area...
...his neighbor told him to hurry and get the flock out.
TIL that a flock of crows is called a murder.
Thus apparently, gangsta rap lyrics are mostly about ornithology.
Man 1: "driving down a highway" check out that flock of cows!
Man 2: flock?
Man 1: yeah? What's wrong?
Man 2: its herd
Man 1: herd?
Man 2: yeah, herd of cows
Man 1: of course I've heard of cows. Theres a flock of them over there!
Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer died today over Barcelona. He was struck by a flock of seagulls and a 747.
Eyewitnesses say the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.
I thought people would flock to my bank if I offered 0% mortgages.
But there was literally no interest.
This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...
A guy from the city decides to go hunting
He spends a bunch of money getting all the right equipment and gear and camouflage outfit, etc. then heads out to hunt some geese. He finds his local hunting grounds and heads out with his rifle. He spends all day not seeing a single animal, and just before he decides to give up, he sees a flock o...
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized :/
A journalist decides he wants to write a book about shepherds. So, he decides to travel the world to interview different shepherds.
His first stop is somewhere in the plains of Asia and he finds a lonely sheep herder, tending his flock.
"Hi sir, I am writing a book about shepherds like yourself, all across the world. Is it ok if I ask you a few questions?"
The shepherd nods.
"Well I notice it's just you an...
A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.
At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.
"40," the dog barked.
"40? I counted 37."
"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."
Once a certain donkey driver turned to Khoja Nasreddin: "Oh, wise one, explain one thing to me, otherwise I will lose my mind."
\- I was given ten donkeys to drive to another city, and I hit the road. Before the road, I counted them, there were 10. I sat on a donkey and we drove off. On the way, I decided to count the donkeys again, and, to my horror, there were nine of them. Then I decided to make a halt, dismounted, and ag...
A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.
The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.
"Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?"
"Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!"
"Sure thing. What is it that yo...
New Rooster
A farmer's rooster passed away so he went to a neighboring farm to get another one. Speaking to the other farmer - He watches the flock and sees a rooster running all over the place screwing every chicken he can get a hold of. The farmer says " I think I'll take that one." The other farmer says "Oh,...
A flock of birds walk into a bar, look around, then head for the door.
Bartender says, "Hey, what's the matter?"
One of the birds says, "oh, it's just that this place looked seedier on the outside."
Just a sheep comversation
*Hi Sam, how you doin?*
*Meh.*
*I don't a give flock anyway*
And they both looked at the camera with a poker face.
I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.
How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?
How do ducks fly in Egypt?
They flock like an Egyptian.
The shepherd and the consultant
A shepherd is tending to his flock without a worry in the world as suddenly a sports car screeches to a halt next to him, out jumps a well dressed man saying "Hello shepherd, if I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, I may take one?"
The shepherd shrugs and the man starts to fi...
How did I get rich?
Well I was working on my sheep farm. We had just sheared the flock and spun the wool into yarn. As I was dying one skein of yarn green, a lamb wandered over and fell into the tub of dye. By the time I rescued the poor thing, he'd already managed to turn himself completely green.
Well, a littl...
A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.
He shouted over in Welsh: "Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!"
The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.
But still the man couldn't...
A redhead goes for a drive through the country..
A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.
"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...
Kim Jong-Un decides he wants to go hunting and takes his three top ministers with him, the Minister of the Interior, the Minister of Defense, and the Minister of Propaganda.
After a short while of stomping aroiund in the woods, they come across some ducks. Kim turns to his Minister of the Interior.
"Shoot the ducks!" he orders.
The Minister of the Interior raises his shotgun, aims, fires, and misses all the ducks.
Kim stares at him. The ducks start ...
A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.
Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.
A young sheep, out to pasture, is suddenly cornered by a farmer and tied up.
The young sheep faints of fright, and when he awakens immediately runs back to his flock.
Bleating wildly, he exclaims "how could the farmer do this to me!"
A wise elder sheep says, "calm down, son. What happened?"
The young sheep, still hysterical, cries "i was the most beau...
After feeling like he's being followed by a flock of ducks for years, a spanish man finally decides to lose them by jumping in front of a train...
I guess you could say it was quite a loco motive.
12 inch prick
So a man walks into a bar and a soon as he's through the door the most beautiful women in the bar flock to him. He walks up to the bar and says "drinks are on me" and pulls out a wad of money. As the bartender pours the drinks a little man, about a foot tall, runs down the bar, knocking over people'...
The Potato
A man went to the beach in hopes of meeting a pretty girl, but he couldn't attract attention no matter what he did.
He noticed another man in a speedo and a cowboy hat. All the girls at the beach were flocking around him, flirting and smiling. The man walked up to the guy in the cowboy hat an...
Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.
One day as he's overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process
The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...
What do you call a flock of crows eyeing a cake?
A tempted murder.
Priest in a bar
John Flaps the local priest walks into the local bar and sees one of his congregation.
She's extremely drunk and rowdy and before John can order a drink the bartender asks her to leave. John sighs but as it's one of his flock he decides to make sure she gets home ok.
He helps her up f...
A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)
when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree.
After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him.
She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle.
After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and w...
I went to ask a farmer for help
"I'm having lots of issues with a flock of cows"
"Heard of cows?"
"Yeah of course I've heard of cows there's a flock of them over there"
How do crows stick together in a flock?
Vel-crow
How is a flock of geese like an airplane full of encyclopedias?
They're flying in-formation.
Why are auto mechanics flocking to San Francisco?
They heard how often residents there tend to blow trannies.
It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.
A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:
"Alright bud, you're only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don't you tell me about how you died"
The man looked at Saint Peter and said
"Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...
A flock of geese passes by overhead, in class 'v' formation.
Dad: Do you know why one side of the 'v' is longer than the other?
Son: No, why?
Dad: Because it has more geese.
A plane hits a flock of ducks and begins to fall out the sky.
The people on the plane start screaming in horror in their final moments. This one beautiful wan suddenly stands up, tears open her shirt and says "I can die like this. Who's man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time."
A man stands up a few rows back. Pops his button up shirt off ...
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said
'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'
Bartender: What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.
Pirate: Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.<...
An old woman is sitting on a park bench
Suddenly, the old woman sees a young man in tattered clothes jogging down the path, being flocked by pigeons. They're scratching and divebombing at him.
"FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF," he shouts.
He dives behind the woman's bench, achieving a moment's respite from the swarm.
"...
Did you hear about the flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage?
It was a murder most foul.
Why did the flock of geese cross the road?
Because they were afraid to fly United.
What do you call a group of rabbits
A nest
What do you call a group of birds
A flock
What do you call a group of Lions
Mrs Jones has finished her laundry and now she is outside hanging it up to dry.
She looks up and sees a flock of terns flying nearby. She goes in the kitchen for a coffee and when she comes back out she sees that the terns have flown over and crapped on her laundry. Upset with what has just happened, she takes the laundry down, goes back in the house and washes it again. She c...
White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord.
After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.
"Ok chief. See that flock of shee...
A Priest and a Cowboy are walking in the desert
They come across a flock of geese so the cowboy pulls out his two guns and empties them in the direction of the geese.
"Fuck, I missed!"
"Do not use that word, child, for God will smite you"
They walk on and come across yet another flock of geese. Same thing.
"Fuck, I mis...
My favorite Engineering Joke (Thinking like an engineer)
A threesome is playing golf on a very nice golf course; a preacher, a doctor and an engineer. They're moving along really slow because the foursome in front of them is playing too slow. They catch up to one of the caddies from the foursome and ask him, "Hey can we play through?"
The caddie ...
A shepherd is tending to his flock of sheep...
...when suddenly one of them goes running off. The shepherd goes looking for it and after the entire day of frolicking, the sheep comes up to the shepherd and says "I'm ready to go back with the sheep now". And so the shepherd takes her back to the sheep.
The next day the same thing happens...
A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.
The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.
They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second
with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him.
I saw a flock of angry ducks the other day.
I wonder why they were in such a fowl mood.
After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.
After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.
"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.
To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."
Noah being ...
There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.
He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.
However, one day his son came home with terrib...
A farmer has 895 sheep.
Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.
So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding do...
Paddy and Mick standing in a field
Paddy: "Hey look! there's a flock of cows"
Mick: "Herd"
Paddy: "What?"
Mick: "Herd of cows"
Paddy: "Of course I've heard of cows! There's a flock of them over there!"
A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck
because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, "Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!"
The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of duck...
What did one sheep herder say to the other sheep herder?
Let's get the flock out of here
A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......
So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said ...
It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.
Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.
Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...
What did the shepherd say to his dog when he saw a wolf?
Let's get the flock out of here
Warning! If you receive an email with a link called 'free porn' don't open it.
It is a flocking birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it
He's not too sheepish
A sheepdog walks past a flock of sheep when one of the sheep shouts out;
"Hey! Your maw loves the boaby almost as much as your da does!"
"Excuse me? What did you just say about my family?!" Snarled the sheepdog.
The sheep smirked "You herd me."
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...
The farmer and the neighbor boy (sorry for the mobile format)
This lonely farmer likes to sit on his porch his every mourning. One mourning, as he's sitting there, a boy comes walking down the road carrying a giant roll of duct tape.
The farmer asks "what are you doing with so much tape?" The boy replies "this isn't just any tape this is duck tape. I'...
A rich man threw a mansion party
It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.
"Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!"
His curious (also drunk) flock followe...
A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...
A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:
"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"
His master gives him an anecdote.
"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...
The Penguin Joke
One day a cop pulls over a van and when he walked up to the drivers window he sees a flock of penguins buckled into the seats.
The cop asks the driver "are those penguins?"
The driver says "yes, they are my pets."
The cop replies to the driver "You need to take them to the zoo i...
Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.
The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.
Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.
The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...
Brewster the Rooster
There once was a farmer who had a few chickens. For financial reasons, the farmer wanted to increase the egg production from his chickens and go into business. And so, the farmer set out to buy a rooster. He drove across the county to another farm that had many chickens and roosters.
The firs...
So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...
God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."
Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...
So this father and son go hunting for an Easter Goose for the family...
They're up early and in their favorite blind by sun up. Coffee, hot. Rifles, loaded. Air, crisp. It doesn't take long before a flock heads their way and they shoot down a fair sized bird and collect it, then bring it home to the Wife and Daughter for cleaning and preparation. All goes well and the G...
The priests rooster
The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At...
The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)
A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...
Three men die and go to hell
Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...
It was a fine Sunday morning...
... and the devil was bored.
He picked a nice quiet country side church and rolled up in a cloud of foul smoke and brimstone. Right in the middle of the sermon.
Screams all around as the flock run for their lives. All that is, except for the priest and a wizened old farmer chewing on ...
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