My word for 2015 is "brave". I am becoming brave this year. While I know this is my brave year, I don't feel any more courageous than usual. In fact, I feel more afraid of life and her ruthless changes. than ever. I am, after all, the grown adult that is still afraid to stay home alone after dark. So, it would make sense that I would fear all that life is throwing at me this year.
My first lesson in being brave has been to remember that I am not the boss.
In this crazy life, I control nothing. I make none of the rules. This is not a powerless, helpless, pathetic position. I am not laying down and letting life happen to me and wreck me. No, I am bravely accepting that I am not in control of the weather, or the tides, or the sun. I am not in control of my heartbeat or the health of the cells inside my beautiful body. I am not in charge of the fate of loved one's soul, or their poor decisions. I am not the boss. I don't know why bad or scary things happen, but they do, and once I accept that I cannot stop them, I have freedom to be brave in facing life.
Learning that I am not the boss has helped me be brave in facing my anxiety. Whenever the nervous feeling seems to start to take over, even if I don't know why, simply whispering to myself, "I am not the boss" allows me to accept that for whatever reason, I am struggling with soul-sucking anxiety most days, but I am brave enough to accept my condition and live life bravely, not letting anxiety stop me from ANYTHING. This is huge. Anxiety used to stop me from EVERYTHING.
In the next few months, I will start student teaching.
I will continue completely revamping and changing my entire diet to accommodate my vegan pursuit.
I will be cutting back my hours at my already part-time job to focus more on my double-major, even though I pay rent and gas + electric and credit card blills now.
I will be standing in front of 100 people on my wedding day (in 4 months, no less) and committing my life and heart to a man I've known only 4 out of my 21 years. Yikes. I am beyond exciting to get married and I have no doubts that I want to get married, but a wedding is like an anxious introvert's worst nightmare.
I will learn how to navigate moving out of my parents' house for the first time and how to be a wife.
These among the countless other curve balls life will undoubtly hand me.
This is enough to make anyone pull their hair out in stress and worry.
But I am not the boss and whatever comes my way, I will have the courage and power to face it.