At around the age of four or five, you'll no doubt notice your child's imagination really starts to fire up. Creative and imaginary play becomes increasingly fantastical, and problem-solving abilities take on another dimension as they build on what they've learned about cause and effect.
Less charmingly, your child may also start to tell fibs. At this age, children are still really only capable of the most straightforward of lies – to deny they've done something that might get them into trouble, for example. But as their richness of imagination grows, and they develop the ability to understand other people's perspectives – what's known as Theory of Mind, or ToM – and understand that others have knowledge, beliefs and desires different from their own, more sophisticated lying starts. Naturally, parents find this alarming, but it's actually a normal part of development and is a good yardstick of your child's cognitive development.
That's not to say we should encourage lying – just that your fears that your child is turning into a sociopath are probably unfounded.
'Lies solve problems, whether that's to get a child out of trouble or get the attention of their peers,' says parenting coach Judy Reith of Parenting People. 'An important phrase I use a lot when I coach parents is this: behaviour always makes sense. So when your child lies, ask yourself: what are they getting from this lie? What are the rewards?'
The most common lies are usually based around trying to avoid being told off or to avoid embarrassment, or to boast and exaggerate, according to child development expert Dr Rebecca Chicot of online parenting expert cohort Essential Parent. 'More worrying lies are intentionally malicious lies, such as saying something nasty about another child, or selfish lies at the expense of another person such as blaming a broken glass on a sibling,' she continues. But while it's unpleasant, try not to get too upset about it and focus instead on communicating to your child your tolerance levels on lying.
The most common lies are usually based around trying to avoid being told off or to avoid embarrassment, or to boast and exaggerate.
'Some parents are absolutely fine with little white lies and tell them themselves, whereas others won't tolerate lying in any form,' says Judy Reith. 'If you prefer a blanket no-lie policy, make sure you model that behaviour yourself. Don't let your child catch you in a lie telling your neighbour you can't pop round right now as you're just about to go out when your child knows that's not true, for instance. Christmas is a time when lies pour from parents' lips – for example, 'If you don't behave, Father Christmas won't come', which is both a lie (on many levels, seeing as Father Christmas doesn't even exist!) and an empty threat, because for most children, there's a pile of gifts waiting under the tree on Christmas Day no matter how big the meltdown in the supermarket two weeks ago.'
Dr Chicot agrees: "Being honest is an important part of a parent's role and it's much better for a child if you help them to understand why they need to behave in a certain way rather than relying on scary lies to control their behaviour. It undermines your role as a parent and means they don't see you setting limits, which is essential. Children really need parents to demonstrate warm and loving boundaries."
Lies at different ages and stages
Pre-school (age 4-5)
Most untruths at this age are more about a child's burgeoning imagination (they may 'ad lib' about what they did at pre-school today as they dance between what actually happened and what they wish had happened). Otherwise, it's as simple as their denying something you know they did out of fear of getting into trouble. 'I tell my son that I won't be cross as long as he tells me the truth,' says Ruth Cox, mum to Thomas, four. 'It works because he's not frightened to tell me what he's done, I explain why it's wrong and then he rarely does it again.'
Dr Chicot agrees with this approach. 'If you are warm, sensitive and a good listener, your child will tell you fewer fibs,' she says. 'Don't humiliate your child or laugh if they're caught out in a fib. Try to explain that everyone makes mistakes and it's best to tell mummy or daddy the truth in case there's danger and telling the truth helps to keep everybody safe.'
Year 1 (age 5-6)
Children of this age often begin to show off and exaggerate to impress their peers. If your child tends to exaggerate and lie about things that happened at school, for example, 'I went flying with Superman yesterday', try not to humiliate them by revealing that you know that what they said isn't true.
Gently let them know they don't have to make things up to impress people and instead make them feel interesting and worth listening to without the need for lies. 'It's a fine line – you don't want to squash their imagination but they do need to learn that lying isn't the best way to get approval,' says Dr Chicot. Calmly explaining that exaggeration may backfire often does the trick – understanding that they may be caught out in the lie and teased as a result is a powerful deterrent.
"Older children quickly become savvy to the fact that lying can get them out of trouble!"
Older children quickly become savvy to the fact that lying can get them out of trouble. If the consequences for bad behaviour are so severe that a child would rather take their chances with a lie to try to avoid punishment and succeeds, lying is more likely to become a 'self-reinforcing' activity - it worked for them once, so they'll try it again.
Try to avoid draconian punishments that make your child fear you in favour of talking about (and praising to the skies) the behaviour you do like. Malicious lies, which require more advanced cognitive development, are the hardest to stomach because a child is choosing to say something that will hurt another person.
'It's really important to teach your child about empathy if this is something you're starting to notice,' says Dr Chicot. 'Encourage them to put themselves in the victim's situation - e.g., imagine how you would feel if Jessica went into school and lied and told all your friends that you had wet the bed? Exercise your child's empathy muscles. Discuss emotions and feelings and read books that explore kindness and empathy e.g.,The Selfish Giant by Oscar Wild.'