IT can be almost painful to watch very shy children, overwhelmed and tense, acutely aware of their vulnerabilities. For many, timidity around new people is a temporary response to stresses at home. For a few, it is a part of a larger set of anxieties and discomforts that may last a lifetime.
"The average person you meet is either shy, used to be shy, or is easily shy in certain situations," said Dr. Philip Zimbardo, a professor of psychology at Stanford University and the author of "Shyness: What It Is, What to Do About It" (Addison Wesley, 1990; $6.95). "Only about 10 percent of Americans say they've never felt shy."
Although most people equate shyness with timidity or awkwardness in social situations, especially with unfamiliar people, psychologists who study it say shyness is more complex. Shy people show characteristic patterns in their thoughts, emotions, and physiology.
A shy student faced with making a presentation at show-and-tell, or even asking a question in a classroom, will probably judge herself and her abilities harshly and negatively. She will be very anxious, and show that anxiety through physical symptoms like a racing heart, sweaty palms or a blush. But looking only at timid behavior can be misleading. Dr. Zimbardo has found that many stand-up comedians, talk show hosts, actors and politicians are shy.
"You can't tell from their general behavior, because they've learned how to mask their shyness," he said. "But they have the negative thoughts, anxiety and physiological changes. They're comfortable only when they're playing a highly structured role."Continue reading the main story
He says he has also found childhood bullies who were shy and used their behavior to keep people away from them and to hide their vulnerability.
Periods of shyness are extremely common among toddlers and preschoolers. Their social withdrawal is usually a temporary response to difficulties they are having at home, like a parent's illness. It goes away quickly when the other issue is resolved, often within a few months to a year.
But roughly one child in five is born with what Dr. Jerome Kagan, a professor of psychology at Harvard University, calls a "temperamental bias" toward not only shyness, but also a wider range of fears and anxieties triggered by unfamiliar people and situations.
In addition to being uncomfortable around new people, they may be finicky about strange foods and avoid new and challenging tasks. His research has found that these children are, on average, shy for a longer time than those who become shy in response to a situation at home or school. By age 6, half of these temperamentally biased children are still shy.
"At adolescence, it's down to one quarter," Dr. Kagan said. And, he said, "those adolescents are probably going to retain their shyness through adulthood."
At the same time, the overall percentage of children who say they feel shy goes up as they move through elementary school, until it peaks a year or two later. Dr. Zimbardo has found that about half the boys and 60 percent of girls in junior high school say they feel shy. He attributes that, in part, to the overwhelming feelings children have as their bodies mature and their social expectations change.
Teachers sometime misinterpret shy children's behavior as boredom or disinterest and tend to overlook them when asked to identify the brightest ones in the class. Persistent shyness in adulthood often leads to significant problems.
Acutely shy people "tend to make less money, are underemployed, don't get promoted and stay in unsatisfactory jobs," said Dr. Jonathan Cheek, an associate professor of psychology at Wellesley College in Massachusetts.
"They tend to be lonely, get married at a later age if at all, not to have as many friends and to be dissatisfied with their friendships," he said.
For a few shy children, however, social withdrawal can be advantageous if they find rewarding and nonthreatening ways to spend their time. "If such temperamentally shy children are intelligent and do well in school, and have parents who value academic success, those are the children who often end up as valedictorians," Dr. Kagan said. Things That Can Help a Child Feel Confident
PSYCHOLOGISTS who study shyness advise parents not to worry about it for the first few years unless the child shows many other fears. Remember that it is most often part of a passing phase.
"The worst thing you can do is tease your child about being shy," said Dr. Jonathan Cheek, an associate professor of psychology at Wellesley College and an author of "Conquering Shyness" (Dell, 1990, $8.95). "Nudge, but don't push your shy child."
Here are some other things that can help:
Don't pin negative labels on your child.
Hearing her parents call her "dumb" or "fat" will contribute to a child's low self-esteem and social anxiety.
"Don't call your child 'shy,' " advised Dr. Philip Zimbardo, a professor of psychology at Stanford University. "Parents often use that label when they are feeling uncomfortable with their child's behavior. That teaches the child that shyness is an excuse for getting out of uncomfortable situations."
Help your child rehearse at home.
Children gain confidence if they can try out behavior that they perceive as fearful in a safe setting and with familiar people.
"Let your child practice presenting at show-and-tell or giving a book report," Dr. Cheek said. "Acknowledge that these things are difficult, but encourage your child."
Try not to overwhelm your child.
Shy children are usually much more comfortable having one or two friends over to their house to play than going to a friend's house or playing with a large group.
Don't push your child into group activities just because other children are doing them or you did them when you were that age.
Encourage your child to play a few times with someone who is about a year younger and physically smaller.
This is especially useful if your child is around preschool or kindergarten age.
Shy children tend to be passive followers. But the dramatic differences in physical, cognitive and social skills at that age forces the shy child into a leadership position. This gives the shy child experience in an important social role.Continue reading the main story