Feelings are simply energy that show up in body sensations often with thoughts attached. “Don’t talk, Don’t trust, Don’t feel” can be some of those thoughts. They are classic alcoholic family messages but are also common in family systems where sexual abuse happens.
“Feelings and sensations will rise and fall unless we assign danger to them.” -Recovery Inc.
This tells me that if I believe feelings are scary, they will get stuck and not move through my body. I won’t “ride the wave” so to speak, and I will pay the consequences. Feelings last between 30-90 seconds. Therefore, if this is a part of recovery and healing, I can do this for 30-90 seconds, right?
A feeling that I have struggled with, and sometimes still do, is anger. I witness this with clients all the time. I have learned many important lessons from and about anger. I would like to share a few with you.
1. Anger, like all feelings is simply energy I experience in my body. It does not mean anything about me as a person. It is simply energy in my body. I do not have to be afraid of it.
2. Anger is not a “negative” feeling. There are neither positive nor negative feelings. There are just feelings.
3. It is okay and healthy to feel angry despite negative cultural and gender stereotype messages. (a woman who is angry is often called a “b#$%^)
4. The gift of anger is the energy and motivation to take care of myself.
5. It is important to get help in how to be with and ride the wave of anger because it is such a powerful energy.
6. As a young child, experiencing my caregiver’s anger felt like the love was cut off and I was cast into space by myself. This can be a universal experience that causes the fear and suppression of anger.
7. Anger is a feeling of protest; that my boundaries have been violated.
8. As a person who experienced sexual abuse, I probably have anger towards the “abuser”, and more importantly, the person, people or institutions that did not protect me.
9. It is okay for me to be angry with “God.”
“God?” Why did I just bring “God” into the conversation? Because many abuse victims spent and/or spend hours praying to an entity asking for the abuse to stop. They pray for their pain to be removed, for someone to listen to and believe them, and for the removal of the symptoms that are plaguing them. They wait for something to happen. What happens? Nothing. The abuse continues. The pain continues. No one has rescued them. The post traumatic symptoms continue. “God must not love me. I must be bad or have done something bad. I am being punished,” are just some of the messages a child gets with this scenario.
The crux of my healing from CEI and CSA has been the nurturing of my spirituality. I have explored and discovered many facets of this. One facet being this entity called “God.” When I started 12 step programs many years ago, I was challenged to confront my beliefs and feelings about “God.” I carried distorted ideas such as “it is not okay to be angry with 'God'”. If I am angry, I will be punished.”
I share this story with you to acknowledge that anger towards “God” may be an important issue for you to address in your healing. I also share it with you as an example of how honest and straightforward expression of anger can have a much needed positive and empowering outcome.
It would take a book to discuss all the ways I aid clients in identifying, labeling and expressing their feelings, anger, in particular. Due to limited time, space and the purpose of this blog, I will stop here.
What I do wish to close with is for us to remember that anger is simply energy in our body. We have the choice of what to believe and say to ourselves about this energy. Asking for and receiving guidance on how to experience and communicate anger in a healthy way is a crucial part of the healing from childhood sexual abuse.