One of my favourite shows – possibly embarrassing to admit – is “Project Runway.” This is the reality TV show that pits American designers against each other, competing to make garments with a limited budget in a very limited time span, in an effort to find the next new top fashion designer. What makes for good television is the line delivered somewhat harshly by Heidi Klum “one day you’re in, the next day you’re out.”
In psychology, as in fashion, ideas go in and out. For quite some time in the 80s and 90s psychologists were big on how to raise self-esteem. Low self-esteem was thought to be behind all manner of problems including dealing with stress, anxiety, depression, relationship problems, poor parenting skills, bullying, the list goes on. Better self-esteem was seen as the solution – we just needed to make people feel better about themselves.
Except there was a problem with this. More and more research came out showing that better self-esteem was not correlated to better achievement or better relationships with people. In fact, the research generally showed an increase in narcissism over the last couple of decades – an increase in self-absorption and self-importance – and in those who had been through self-esteem programs. As with many popular ideas not supported by science, the idea that better self-esteem is not the solution has yet to be widely embraced.
If you think about it, boosting people’s sense of their capabilities has some major flaws
1) People’s abilities fluctuate, and if your self-esteem is built on what you do well, what happens when you inevitably don’t do as well as you’d like? People then tend to become extremely judgemental and critical of themselves, others or both.
2) Evidence suggests that when people see their abilities as fixed and unchangeable (e.g., I am talented at drawing), they are less likely to try new things as it has the effect of threatening their sense of themselves – everything becomes an effort as they have to continually prove they are talented.
So what’s the alternative?
The new fashion is self-acceptance which is built in part by practicing self-compassion. Research so far highlights that when people practice it, they experience less self-criticism and judgement. Because these thought patterns are so common in both anxiety (e.g., why can’t I stop over-thinking?) and depression (e.g., I shouldn’t have done that, I’m so stupid), having a method to ease them is important.
Try the following exercise next time you experience disappointment, sadness, stress, anxiety, frustration or any painful feeling. It comes from the book “Self Compassion” by Kristin Neff. The aim is not to make the feeling go away, but to notice it, and to allow it so it doesn’t push you around so much.
Say to yourself the following 4 phrases:
This is a moment of suffering
Suffering is part of life
May I be kind to myself in this moment
I’m having a really hard time right now
This is part of being human
Let me go gently on myself
I will try and be as compassionate as possible