The Relationship Loss
We are created to relate. Everyone longs to be loved, accepted, and feel secure. Relationships can rock our world; even more so when a relationship is lost. Such a loss is amplified when a teen is already experiencing changes physically and emotionally, and adapting hormonally. While outwardly the body may appear more mature, your teen is developmentally and emotionally young and not capable of managing things as an adult.
This is impacted with emotional interruption when substance abuse is a part of the equation. Substances change how the brain develops. This impedes the ability to learn to cope in healthy ways while navigating life’s storms.
Teens have profound feelings and can become quite impassioned in relationships with friends or family members. Loss of friendships in high school years, which were established in middle school, can rock a teen’s world. The loss of relationship marks the end of the opportunity to relate to a person with which there was a connection. Teens often experience a number of these events; it is important to validate feelings during the grief of such a loss. To the teen, the world has changed. When a friend is no longer there, a teen can’t talk with him or her, share experiences, touch, or even argue. This can lead to withdrawal or change of behavior. Why? The pain is deep and a form of grief.
Relationship loss can result from a move, a divorce, or a death. It can also arise when having to face cliques at school, not wearing the right clothes, making or not making the team, or . . . just growing up.
What can you do?
Acknowledging the loss as important to the teen is healthy in the building of self esteem. Talking about the normalcy of having pain after a loss gives room for discussion if the teen wants to talk about feelings. Such feelings can range from anger to sadness, helplessness, frustration, or denial. Communicate that it is normal and human to grieve the loss.
Validation can foster self esteem and build confidence. One of the teachable moments in validation is reassuring your teen that you can be trusted with vulnerable moments and build into them the sense of security they long for and so desperately need when a relationship is lost.
Affirmation and Encouragement
Life’s toughest circumstances are teachable moments. As a mentor you have an opportunity to pour life into a teen. Ask yourself, “Have I faced this kind of loss? What was my experience and how did it impact me? What did I need then? How was it handled by those I looked to for strength and wisdom? What will I do differently now to help my teen?” This is not a time for blame of what was or was not done in times past, but it is a time to consider the impact you can make in the life of one who is hurting and in need of reassurance, sense of security, and a healthy self image.
Encourage your teen to be honest with themselves and give them permission to grieve. Compressing feelings only compounds the impact on may levels and impacts confidence over time. We are all human and that is what compels us in seasons of loss to want to do something. Sometimes, validating that pain is normal and admitting the pain helps the healing move in the right direction.
Relationships matter. All relationships deserve validation because each impacts others. Remember that there is something to learn from each relationship; Learn from what was done well, what could be improved or what not to do. Whatever the loss, there are teachable moments. Just watch and listen for a opportunity to adjust the perspective as the loss is grieved. Asking if it is a good time to share a perspective goes a long way with a teen. It respects the teen and meets the need to have a “voice” in his time of grief. Sometimes all that is needed is a listening mentor. Demonstrate that you care and build respect to validate, encourage, and reassure. This expression of care adds to the building block of well adjusted self image and esteem.
Portions of this article have been adapted from Norman H. Wright’s “Helping Teens With Grief“