25 Top Tips
of better conversations
- Conversations need
room to grow if they are to reach their full potential. Research shows
that we spend a lot less time talking to people close to us than we
imagine. Yet oddly, when a conversation is really working well, the
time seems to fly by.
- Make conversations
like dancing: a two-way partnership, with neither side dominating.
- The 'stitch in time'
rule applies to communication as well.
Studies show that many of our more 'difficult' conversations (the ones
that turn into battles) could be avoided by staying in more regular
contact. In other words, a chat a day can keep the arguments at bay.
- Every conversation
is a potential learning experience. We can all make our lives richer
by understanding the experiences of others. Having a conversation with
someone is like exploring the pages of an encyclopedia full of valuable
- How other people
see you greatly influences how they approach you in conversation. If
there are negative sides to your reputation as a communicator, work
hard to change them.
- Try to avoid the
Blame Game. Use "I" statements rather than "you"
statements when talking about your thoughts and feelings.
- Unless you're able
to recognise your own feelings, you won't be able to express them clearly
and be open with other people. If you are not able to recognise other
people's feelings, you'll only ever understand part of their picture.
- Many misunderstandings
arise from faulty assumptions about all kinds of facts and feelings.
So when in doubt, say what you mean and encourage the other person to
do the same. Hinting isn't good enough.
- Blaming the other
person for not understanding you - or for you not understanding them
- is pointless. While you can't be responsible for the other person's
efforts, you can for your own.
- Don't bring up important
issues where there isn't the time to deal with them properly or if the
circumstances are wrong.
- Use the opening part
of a conversation to be up front about why you'd like to talk and what
your main point is. You'll engage the interest of the other person and
help them understand what follows.
- Talk in a way that's
about real things, real experiences and real feelings. Aim to be the
central character of your stories.
- Once the conversation
has finished, it's too late to say the things you left out.
- Regularly summing
up what you've said can transform the quality and accuracy of your conversations
- and instantly eliminate many of the knock-on problems caused by misunderstandings.
- Don't just listen
to the words, listen to the 'music' as well, including body language
and voice quality. Also, look for clues in what is not being said.
- Listen with as little
prejudice and as few presumptions as possible. Avoid snap judgements.
Let your understanding develop like the image on a Polaroid film as
the information comes in. Try to avoid responses that are criticisms
in disguise. They are likely to sabotage the conversation.
- Empathy is about
demonstrating that you understand. You can best do this through words
that reflect the other person's meaning. So take care to feed in plenty
of Highlights as you go along.
- Be willing to recognise
when you don't understand or need to know more. The other person will
respect you for your efforts.
- If you're not clear,
try, try and try again. It may not be your 'fault' that you're feeling
fuzzy. It could be that the other person's thoughts are unclear. Encourage
them to be concrete and specific about all the ingredients of their
- From time to time,
feed back a summary of your understanding to confirm that you've got
- The best decisions
are those people reach for themselves. So be lean on the advice but
generous with the help and support. Men in particular feel the need
to solve other people's problems - especially those of their partners.
This can cause friction when all the partner wants to do is unload her
- If a conversation
is failing to work because of negative feelings on either side, deal
with this issue separately.
- It's an important
way to establish and demonstrate our closeness to people. Also, gossiping
is good for you. It helps you stay in touch with the details that make
daily life easier to organise.
- Offer helpful feedback
based on a straightforward description of the behaviour and its impact.
offer advice or guidance, always make sure you have enough information.
- Being genuine is
at the heart of all worthwhile communication.