“I've always wanted to be one!”
The History of the Flamingo
Contrary to popular belief, the flamingo is the most feriocios bird on Earth. Flamingos, along with crocodiles and Leonard Cohen, were here long before dinosaurs became extinct and some scientists believe that flamingos and crocodiles share the same gene pool. However, no one knows the origin of Cohen, who is widely believed to be of alien descent.
It is a little known fact that flamingos led the dinosaurs in the resistance against Cohen, who was eventually deposited in one of the planet’s rudimentary bottomless pits, which could be found at every other service station and in most Costa Coffee outlets. On his descent of the bottomless pit, Cohen managed to create a pair of wings, from his own elbows, foreskin and arse cheeks. This enabled him to fly back up the pit after billions of years of falling down. He eventually reached the entrance to the pit on September 21st 1934, which he now claims to be his birthday.
Meanwhile, flamingos continued to roam the Earth freely until the time of the Ancient Egyptians, when flamingos were forced into hiding. When the Ancient Egyptians first discovered the existence of flamingos, they thought them to have been sent by the Gods and that they were a symbol of general awesomeness. As a result, many generations of Pharaohs would have flamingos tattooed onto their reproductive organs (penises). This continued until one particularly absurd flamingo, called Gertrude McDoogle, reposed in the face of Pharaoh Khufu. He then ordered the blood of Gertrude to be spread across the land, and her body to be stuffed and displayed in a nearby port-a-loo. All the other flamingos quickly escaped to Russia, where they invented vodka.
In has been noted in ancient texts such as The Collins Dictionary and Sharon Osbourne: Extreme, that flamingos first started to reappear in Ancient Rome in the 6th century BC, during the reign of Lucius Tarquinius Superbus, also known as Tarquin the Proud. It is believed that it was the flamingos in Ancient Rome who overthrew Tarquin the Proud, after he was overheard calling them “beaver teething”. The leader of the flamingos, King Crazy Dave (also known as Moose Antler), then converted the Kingdom of Rome into a republic, and nationalized all the brothels to improve the stability of the economy, which has suffered greatly due to a banking crisis. Moose Antler is said to have had three penises, and retractable mammary glands. Elvis Presley is said to have modelled his style on Moose Antler, and Morrissey is said to have written the song “Handsome Devil” in order to get his hands on Moose Antler’s mammary glands, which he did.
Morrissey’s affair with Moose Antler is also widely believed to be the inspiration for the creation of Wales, due to the abnormal number of sheep and inanimate objects involved. Morrissey and Elvis were of course on holiday in the 6th century BC because Centre Parcs and Disneyland were fully booked up and there weren’t even any late deals on.
Moose Antler was later killed by the Flamingo Mafia because his beak was shit. All the flamingos in the world then emigrated to live a pastoral existence in China, which was then known as Kidneyville. Flamingos were rarely seen by any other species for many centuries, other than emerging for special events, including a guest appearance during the birth of Jesus Christ, Lord of Kingdom Come. Flamingos have also been known to have witnessed the Battle of Hastings, all six marriages of Henry VIII, the invention of rubber chickens, and the discovery of many countries including America, New Zealand and Rosie O’Donnell.
These rare sightings continued until 1874 AD, when Kidneyville was invaded by a fleet of horses, under the command of the evil Sarah Jessica Parker, Queen of the horses and self-confessed kleptomaniac. A brave troop of flamingo warriors defeated the horses, and then led the flamingos out of Kidneyville. The flamingos travelled through Middle-earth, stopping by in The Shire for tea and scones with Frodo and his posse, before depositing themselves in the South of France. Some flamingos then carried on going into exotic locations such as Florida, Barcelona, Scunthorpe and Scotland.
Modern Day Flamingos
As of the industrial revolution, many different types of flamingos roam the planet. The majority of these are eccentric millionaires. These kinds of flamingos can be found roaming in the wild wearing top hats, waist coats and monocles, with females also wearing sexy flamingo lingerie under their waist coats.
Most other flamingos are traffic wardens in Kenya and some areas of Canada. To remove any suspicions about these flamingo traffic wardens, any traffic wardens who are humans, horses, or sea lions must wear a flamingo outfit made from camel skin and old bottles of absinthe.
The rest of the flamingo population have either taken it upon themselves to become worldwide celebrities or emigrate to Mercury where the weather is much better and money actually does grow on trees. However, due to the fact that there is no mobile phone signal on Mercury, these flamingos have never been in touch since they left. They also forgot to fill up the Volvo before they left and haven’t got enough diesel to get back. One rare breed of celebrity flamingos can usually be found being transvestites, especially in hot countries or on the Jay Leno show. Well known transvestite flamingos include Dame Edna, Cilla Black, Freddie Mercury and Gordon Brown.
As we all know, flamingos are superiorly awesome to anything else that exists, or ever has existed. However, it is a little known fact that flamingos carry other such qualities, including kindness, integrity, mathematical genius, telepathy and the ability to make woman and men to become pregnant if they so wish. Most flamingos use their telepathic powers in order to convince their local councils that they actually have paid their council taxes, when really they spent the money on ice cream and Viagra. Flamingos also tend to own submarines, and meet every other Sunday to play hopscotch and drink whiskey.
Since 1993, all flamingos have been reprogrammed to have an interest in 16th century literature, and have been fitted with 12 megapixel eyes which have 8x digital zoom and came with a free timeshare in Edinburgh. Some flamingos have experienced side-effects due to the new eyes, with some reporting nausea, headaches, and an addiction to cocktails made from heroin and bull sperm.
A new generation of flamingos have been taking over Northern America and some areas of Germany and Holland. They are made from ice and can often be found protesting about political issues and global warming in supermarkets and in libraries. A group of these new flamingos were taken to South Africa for medical and psychological tests. These tests found that the flamingos have an average IQ of 376, making them much cleverer than Dame Stephen Hawking OBE. They also found that the flamingos have a life expectancy of 150 years and 39 minutes, they secrete pure alcohol from their anuses and they are 99.9% psychologically similar to Russell Brand.
- Flamingos are dangerous and aggresive do not attempt to approach empty handed
- Flamingos dont like coconut..attempt to feed them coconuts may result in your hand get bitten off.
- Flamingos are ultimately awesome.
- Flamingos are people too, except better.
- Flamingos are for fun, not just for Easter.
- ”David Hasselhoff” is an anagram of “Shaved Offal Dish”.
- Thatcher needs to be shot point blank in the face.