Let's break this equation down:
Confident kids believe that they're good at things and that they can succeed.
Resilient kids have the ability to bounce back after something bad happens.
The way I see it, combining these two traits sets kids up for life. Confidence paves the way for entering new, potentially challenging situations that lead to growth and opportunity. Resilience acts as a safety net and keeps things moving in a positive direction if (or when) things don't turn out so well. This dynamic duo seems to cover all the real world scenarios your child will face while growing up. So, how can you provide your child with the confidence to put his or her best foot forward and the resilience to persevere when faced with disappointment or failure? Here are three powerful parenting tips to make this happen for your child.
Parents usually jump on opportunities to praise (me included!). Here's the catch no one talks about, if you praise your child for "being" something (smart, fast, the "best," etc.) or achieving a specific thing (winning, getting 100, being picked for a team) it can backfire. Why? Because kids start to avoid situations unless the are absolutely sure they'll appear smart, fast, or be the best. What can you do? After you gush with high-fives and beam with pride, add a new spin by calling attention to the effort your child put forth. This will encourage perseverance regardless of the scenario or the perceived success rate. Here are some examples of praise that will boost both confidence and resilience with the traits you're praising in BOLD:
Not everyone can be great at everything and that's okay. When you provide accurate feedback you allow your son or daughter to trust in their skills and talents and also become comfortable with things that don't come as naturally. Gently leveling with your child to help her accept personal strengths and "growing edges" will foster both confidence and resilience. Without being too harsh, you can validate that your child finds it easy to solve math problems but has to work harder when it comes to spelling. This sends the message that it's normal to have struggles and being aware of them promotes ownership and helps establish realistic expectations. Final note here, by the time kids reach their elementary school years they will start dismissing parental feedback that's not accurate. Your three-year-old will smile gleefully even if you're lying through your teeth as you say, "Great job sweetie!". Your seven-year-old won't buy it. So, in addition to helping build confidence and resilience, being honest helps you keep your "street cred" as a parent.
LET THEM FALL
Falling down is an inevitable part of growing up. That said, do you really want to see your child fall, fail, or be distressed? I'm guessing no, and you've probably spent a lot of time and energy preventing this from day one. Rethinking this hard-wired parental urge may be hard, but it's a surefire way to help boost confidence and resilience. Think of it this way, the older your child is when he experiences a proverbial "fall" without you right there to catch, fix, or rescue, the harder it will be for him to cope. I'm not suggesting that you abandon your child or set up an obstacle-course of distress, but hanging back and letting mistakes happen is an important part of building confidence and resilience. Next time you're gearing up to run interference for your child, pause and let him try to find his own way. Offer your support ("I know this is hard and I really think you can handle it"), and if push comes to shove, brainstorm with your child while letting him take the lead.
Armed with these three parenting tools you will be on your way to raising confident, resilient kids who are ready to cope with whatever the real world tosses their way.
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