Eliminating 99% of your confilcts isn’t as radical as it sounds. I think you’ll agree with this when we dig into what causes conflict and what you can do to inhibit it.
What Causes You To Be In Conflict?
Aren’t 99% of your conflicts caused by your expectations and the other person’s expectations not being aligned?
Suppositions get us into big trouble. It’s unfulfilled expectations that cause dissatisfaction, frustration, anger and conflict!
Three Types Of Expectations
Let’s quickly look at the different classes of expectations we have:
- Verbalised expectations
You and the other person have discussed your expectations.
For example, you and Alex have agreed that, by Friday this week, he’ll deliver a two-page report about “xyz” and that he’ll address “abc”.
Because you’ve both tabled your expectations they’re likely to be met and conflict won’t arise.
- Non-verbalised expectations
You’re aware that you have expectations but they haven’t been communicated to the other person.
For example, you know you need “abc” addressed in a “xyz” report from Alex by Friday this week BUT you’ve not had a discussion with Alex about the report, the timing or your thinking about the what the report needs to contain.
It’ll therefore be hit and miss whether Alex has the report to you by Friday—and if by chance he does there’s a fair chance it won’t meet your needs.
So you probably won’t get what you’d hoped for—because there’s a fair chance Alex isn’t a mind reader J.
- Unconscious expectations
You’re not aware that you have expecations about xyz.
For example, you know that you need a report from Alex but you’ve not consciously thought about your timing needs or the details of what you expect the report to contain.
I doubt that your expectations will be met—unless you strike it lucky.
Warning! These unconscious expectations are VERY dangerous!
How To Create Maximum Satisfaction And Harmony
Think back to a recent conflict you had…
Did that conflict crop up because you didn’t discuss your expectations with the other person—or the other person didn’t discuss their expectations with you?
The key to maximising the satisfaction and harmony that you experience in your life lies in you having expectation-aligning discussions.
Let’s say someone took action on something without getting your input —and you perceived that your input was important to consider before action was taken.
What didn’t happen that you expected would happen? You expected to contribute to their thinking—and they expected to operate independently.
You needed to have an expectation-aligning discussion, rather than assume they would be aware of your expectations.
When there’s conflict it’s generally because that crucial, pivotal conversation didn’t happen!
Your Leadership Call to Action
Make sure you never hear your other person say, “Oh, I didn’t realise that’s what you wanted”, or “You should have told me about your expectations”.
“Before you get furious, get curious.” Don’t rely on telepathy!
Think about what expectation-aligning discussions you need to set up. Where might you need to create more clarity about what is expected?
Get curious about the other person’s expectations. Have a conversation with them with the intention of aligning your expectations.
You’ll notice how conflict rarely shows up when you take this preventive action .
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Carolyn Stevens has worked with leaders for more than 25-years—hundreds of them.
She’s supported leader after leader (including those who previously struggled to confront the difficult, let alone persuasively deal with the it) flourish—and become confident, courageous and impressively influential.
Carolyn is authentic and results-oriented. She draws on an eclectic array of approaches, tools and techniques to suit the situation.