Resilience is defined as the psychological strength to cope with stress and hardship. In other words, resilience means “bouncing back” from difficult experiences. When teaching my parenting classes or meeting with parents privately for parent coaching I consistently include resilience as one of the essential areas of child development. Parents need to understand and be mindful of building children’s resilience as part of their parenting practices. Being able to promote children’s resilience begins with the strength and resilience of the family and the adults caring for them. Parents need to be emotionally healthy so children grow up in positive environments that support their optimal development.
Research shows there are certain factors in families that significantly help parents raise children who are resilient and will thrive:
1. Parents have their own resilience. Parenting is full time work that is fulfilling and wonderful but not without its stress and challenges. Parenting requires us to be strong, flexible, mindful, and present for our children. To do the parenting work we need to do and to be responsive to children, parents need to be emotionally healthy. The Devereux Center for Resilient Children mentions the following four areas that help build adult resilience and improve their emotional health:
- Relationships: The mutual, long-lasting bonds parents have with others in their lives. Having a significant other or close friends in your life who support and guide you and with whom you offer the same support and guidance in return.
- Internal Beliefs: The feelings and thoughts we have about ourselves and our lives.
- Initiative: The ability to make positive choices and decisions and effectively act on these choices.
- Self-Control: The ability to experience a range of feelings, and express them using the words and behavior society considers appropriate.
If you find that you are struggling in any of these four areas or feel you need more understanding and support building your resilience working with a therapist can be helpful.
2. Parents have knowledge of child development and have appropriate expectations. Having accurate information about young children’s development provides the best foundation for children to learn skills and develop normally within the family. Knowledge of appropriate expectations for children’s behavior (and misbehavior) helps parents better plan activities and experiences. Challenging children just enough to progress without frustrating them with a challenge that is too far beyond their abilities to be successful is a good parenting practice. Having too low of expectations for children is undermining to their development and children won’t reach their full potential. We must know what we are dealing with developmentally for us to parent most effectively.
3. Temperament and social- emotional competence of children plays a role in the parent-child relationship. Children with challenging behaviors such as: not interacting positively with others, struggling with self-regulation, and not effectively communicating their emotions can negatively impact the parent-child relationship. This negatively impacted relationship can affect the way parents feel about their success as a parent. Families need to understand children’s temperaments and know children are doing the best they can with the limited social-emotional skills available to them. We create a healthy family support system for children to develop and grow when parenting perspectives are rooted in compassion, emotional availability, and patience, and when parents look to understand the role of temperament. Parents need to teach children the social-emotional skills they are lacking in order to build resilience.
4. Family social connections offer support in times of need and are critical to a family’s strength and success. Families need a community of networks that provide both emotional support and concrete assistance during times of stress or difficult situations. Having the support of friends, family, and neighbors is an invaluable resource for parenting information, solving family or situational problems, and offering childcare for parents to take a break. Parents who are isolated and who are overwhelmed and exhausted will struggle to consistently provide the positive, mindful and supportive parenting needed to raise healthy and resilient children.
Promoting the health and well-being of children includes strengthening families and goes hand in hand with promoting the health and emotional well-being of parents. Families rich in these protective factors above are able to nurture young children effectively and children will be resilient and thrive.