Anthropologically speaking, every culture has unwritten rules about marriage. These social assumptions guide every facet of interpersonal interaction and decision-making regarding housekeeping, sexuality, parenting and other domestic issues. Within a culture, these social rules establish a range of what are considered "normal" attitudes and behaviors about marriage. Some of these "normal" attitudes become what we consider stereotypical. For example, a young Mediterranean couple might both expect heated arguments and a high level of sexual engagement, whereas a middle-aged Asian couple might expect restricted emotional expression and more moderate sexual engagement.
However, even for those who fall within these norms, spouses can feel constrained and frustrated by the proscribed cultural roles, and many attempt to shift the unwritten rules to accommodate more updated ideas or personal preferences. Such shifts create confusion for many marriages because they require deviation from long-held expectations. For marriages in which one partner is comfortable with the norm and the other is chafing against it, this crossroad can be quite painful.
Nowhere is this confusion more evident than in inter-ethnic marriages, in which the husband and wife hail from different cultural backgrounds. The following summary of my visit with Stephen and Hope Johnson-Anders shows just how complicated these dueling assumptions can become.
Stephen, a White American male of Scandinavian descent, and Hope, an African-American woman, married four years ago after completing grad school and beginning careers in investment banking. Despite stressful jobs, they reported their marriage as "successful" for the first three years.
According to Hope, the problems began with the birth of their son Tim one year ago. Hope became accusatory as she described Stephen's insistence that she stay home with Tim despite her expectation and strong desire to return to work. Hope grieved the loss of her job, freedom and self-esteem. Stephen voiced his frustration with "Hope's selfishness" and snuck in sharp rebukes of her domestic skills, her complaining and their diminished sex life. Hope and Stephen's quandary is not unique to inter-ethnic marriages, but understanding their marriage as such is helpful to getting them out of it.
Grace-filled communication, while important to all marriages, is the foundation of the inter-ethnic marriage. Achieving your potential as an inter-ethnic couple requires that expectations be owned, spoken and negotiated. Ultimately, this process demonstrates love because it prioritizes your co-created couple identity over your respective individual cultures – promoting a balanced marriage in which each spouse's needs and desires are equally validated (Ephesians 5). Emotional intimacy and enhanced satisfaction are the natural consequences of this mutual validation.