Written by Chris O’Rear
Most people think of the holidays as a happy time filled with parties, presents, and special times of worship. For many, however, the holidays can stir feelings of grief. This can be particularly true in the first holidays after a significant loss. When grief is present in the holidays, understanding the feelings in yourself and in your children can help you navigate these days in a meaningful way.
Basics of Grief
When thinking about grief, it is important to remember some important realities. For example, we need to realize that death is not the only event that causes us to grieve. Any change from “how things have been” can cause feelings of grief. Moving to a new house or new town, loss of job or change of job, changes in school, or other transitions can stir feelings of loss and grief.
Of course, family members won’t experience the same feelings of loss or experience them in the same way. Children may experience a loss of something in their lives that their parents do not understand, but that does not mean it is insignificant for the child. Likewise, parents may feel a deep sense of loss for someone or something and not understand why their spouse or children don’t feel the same feelings.
Parents may expect their children to express their feelings like adults, but it usually doesn’t happen that way. Children are likely to express their grief through withdrawal or anger. Helping a child identify his or her feelings and verbalize the feelings is a great gift.
Embrace, Don’t Ignore
Because the holidays are often associated with family and special traditions, people are particularly vulnerable to feelings of grief during these times. Again, this can be particularly true during the first year after a loss. For example, the first Christmas in a new home might be a stark reminder of a loss because some of the old traditions won’t necessarily work in the family’s new surroundings. Likewise, the first holiday season without a member of the family or community is a reminder of what is missing.
A fellow Pastoral Counselor refers to a phenomenon he calls the “dialectic” of grief. He describes the paradox that occurs when we encounter something in our lives, like holiday traditions, that connect us with the person or situation we have lost. The paradox is that it is at the moment when we feel most connected to that person or thing we are most aware of their absence from our lives.
Many people experience these feelings of sadness and immediately feel the urge to move away from the grief. They feel a need to avoid the feelings of connection. However, healing and health comes through our connections with the experience and by allowing ourselves to feel the feelings. Even though we feel sad, it is in these moments that we feel most connected to the memories and experiences of the person we miss.
Something Old, Something New
It is no mistake that Ecclesiastes 3 reminds us that there is “A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.” (v.4). As many grieving people know, sometimes laughing and weeping and mourning and dancing are not that far apart in our experiences. Part of helping with the grieving process is learning to join these experiences of loss with the experience of connection. These connections can be created and facilitated in a number of ways.
Many churches now understand these feelings of loss that come during the holidays and have begun offering special services of remembrance during the holidays. Besides attending these formal services of remembrance, families can create their own rituals and traditions.
One friend told me that his father was from New England and they had a tradition of eating clam chowder on Christmas Eve. After his father died, his family continued to eat clam chowder on Christmas Eve to honor his memory. Other families I know have members of the family write memories on paper and place them on their Christmas tree. Some families simply have a special candle that they light only on certain holidays in honor of the person who has died.
The specific tradition is made meaningful by the shared experience. Your family can discuss options or parents can share traditions that come from their own families. The significance is in honoring the memories and feelings. Talking about the experience with one another can help facilitate connection with the feelings.
The holidays can be difficult as they remind us of times or people from our past- people with whom we shared holidays and traditions. Instead of trying to avoid these feelings, find a new tradition or experience to ritualize the remembering. Allow for each member of the family to feel (or not feel) what they will about what or who is grieved.
In a paradoxical way, the sadness of the grieving can actually add to the richness of the holiday as we connect with the people and traditions of our past.
A version of this article under the Title “The Empty Chair” appears in the 2011 December issue of Lifeway’s publication, Living with Teenagers, (p. 26-27).