Sometimes these types of behavior are just as innocent as they seem, other times they are signs of passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressiveness is a form of indirect aggression and it comes in many forms.
Passive communication is when a person tends to avoid conflicts and does not risk upsetting the people around him. This communication style results in a lose-win situation for the passive communicator and can create feelings of loss of control or victimization.
Aggressive communication is when a person uses power, manipulation, control and intimidation to get what he wants. These types of people are often disrespectful and may even be hurtful to others. This results in a win-loose situation and can create feelings of superiority.
Passive-aggressive people incorporate elements from both of the previous mentioned styles. This person tends to procrastinate, forget things, and work inefficiently. He cannot communicate directly but will behave aggressively especially if he feels he can get away with it. He often has a ton of excuses for why he can’t participate or why his work is late and often blames others for his mistakes. He also will use sarcasm, inappropriate jokes, rumor-mongering, and sniping to make his feelings known.
Indirect aggression can be stopped. The key is how you respond. The best way is with a process statement. Since indirect aggression is not usually about what is said but how it is said or how the person behaves statements about the actual behavior rather than the words being said is effective. Basically, using a well-timed process statement, you will point out the process of the incident rather than the actual words that were selected. Process statements point out the “elephant in the room” (i.e. their behavior).
Take a look at the following solutions and example process statements:
- Respond assertively. Do not imply that you approve of or agree with his behavior by failing to respond. For example, “you know I really don’t like to hear about the personal problems of other people unless that person is sharing them with me directly, it feels like gossip.”
- Communicate your confusion about the mixed messages that they are sending. For example, try saying something like, “that sounded sarcastic, is that the way you really feel?” or “wow, that sounded like a gibe, was it?”
- Ask questions about the true motivation for their behavior. For example, “I just noticed that this is the second time today you have made a joke about Jerry, is that because you are having trouble communicating how frustrated you are with him?”
- Pay more attention to what they do than to what they say. For example, notice if they often walk away from the group whenever a certain person approaches, if they cut certain people off midsentence more than others, or if they frequently speak for other people when a question is directed at that other party. If you can, make a statement about it. For example, “you may not realize this but you seem to interrupt Julie quite a bit, could you try to be aware of that next time she is speaking?”
- Hold them accountable for results. For example, “you know I’ve noticed this is the 5th month in a row you’ve been late in filing your reports, we really need to have these on time, if that is something you can’t manage right now we can give that duty to someone else.”
- Call them on their lies, gently. For example, “I could have sworn you posted that your kids were sick again so you couldn’t make it to our park cleanup last weekend, now you are saying that you were at a conference that weekend instead; am I confused?”
approval of their behavior and they may be confused by your (perceived) sudden betrayal when you begin using process statements to point out their behavior. However, if you let them know that you will not be manipulated or allow others in the group to be manipulated, you can stop passive-aggressive behavior in your Grove.
You may have to repeat these techniques several times before they take root. You may also have to deal with fallout if the passive-aggressive person is also an antagonist (which they more than often will be).
Always make your process statements with witnesses around; passive-aggressive people are likely to deny an incident or to blow it out of proportion. Do not respond to passive-aggressive behavior with more passive-aggressive behavior, and stay calm if they get upset or become more aggressive. Also, keep written records of any communications you have with passive-aggressive people; they often embellish past events and their memories are not always accurate; having facts on hand can help refute their statements.
Remember, that all people behave this way at some point. While you can use these tactics with people who only do it occasionally, it is far more effective with those who do it habitually. Also, be aware that sometimes a person who is routinely late actually has valid reasons, or perhaps suffers from ADHD or other condition that affects him in matters of timeliness. Other people who appear to make snarky comments on a regular basis just enjoy sarcasm and really don’t mean anything by it. While the person who leaves the group whenever a certain individual joins it may simply have an issue with that individual’s body odor. Using questions to clarify your observations might provide them with the opportunity to share what is affecting their behavior and give you a chance to help them.
The upside to facing a passive-aggressive person is that others will become brave and follow suit. You can create a drama-free culture in your Grove by modeling appropriate conflict and encouraging others to follow suit. Other passive-aggressive people in your Grove will recognize that their behavior is not tolerated and modify their behavior or leave; and your Grove members will have a safe haven to honor the Kindred together.