Life is made up of Significant Emotional Experiences (SEEs.) SEEs define who we are and who we could become. We encounter them continually, and looking at them is looking at a timeline of our lives. The SEE’s and our responses to them shape who we are.
SEEs change perspectives, outlooks, actions and thoughts moving forward. What we each learn from our personal SEEs affects how we react to situations in the future.
When a trauma, such as the death of a loved one, occurs our personal “balance” is knocked out of alignment. The weight of the world is on our shoulders, and our ability to regain a healthy equilibrium in our life can seem difficult, even impossible. In times like this, the trauma (negative SEE) can seem so overwhelming that we are unable to recognize the opportunities (positive SEEs) that are being presented to us.
Trauma, such as grief, is a horrific emotional experience—a negative multisensory overload that can affect us physically, mentally, and psychologically. But, the affect of a negative SEE in the past, can be balanced out by a continued flow of positive and present SEEs.
As a parent or mentor of a child traumatized by a negative SEE, such as the death of a loved one, it is important to help the child seek out positive SEEs to regain balance.
Every day presents us with opportunities to truly connect with the children in our lives. Every 10 minute car ride, every commercial break during a favorite TV show, every long line you get stuck in at the grocery store, can be a chance to organically and authentically connect with a child. Looking back, these are the moments that really count.
Time and time again, when kids at camp tell us what they would do if they had one more day with the person who died, we hear similar answers. They want to go fishing, see a favorite movie, or go to the park down the street. They crave, and desperately miss, those everyday moments that we sometimes take for granted.
The casual nature of these conversations can be so much more impactful than the seemingly forced nature of a conversation with a therapist or counselor. Think of all of the truly powerful conversations you have had in your life. Consider which of these happened because someone sat you down, stared at you, and pointed out that something was wrong with you, that something in you needed “fixing.” Now consider which of these happened because someone gave you the space and trust to just open up and be your own true self.
Children are no different. They also crave honesty and openness, and a chance to connect with the people who are present in their daily lives. Therapy can be a powerful addition to this process, but we shouldn’t and can’t expect it to be the magical cure to a hurting child’s heart. We also shouldn’t and can’t expect ourselves to turn every interaction with a child into a perfect and meaningful emotional moment. We need to recognize and respect that the perfect moment for us may not be the perfect moment for them. What we can do is open ourselves up to the possibilities, and assume that the children in our lives want to talk, want to share, want to have fun, and want to connect with us. If we assume that, we’ve already taken the first important step.
If we don’t provide opportunities for positive SEEs in a child’s life following a trauma, they will seek them out on their own. Unfortunately, these are the times that they find “false-positive” experiences: drugs, alcohol, promiscuous activity, dangerous risk-seeking behaviors. If they are not presented with numerous and diverse options for their own healing and growth, along with continual praise for taking safe risks, they will find their own avenues of growth and risk, and these will likely be avenues that we do not want to see our children go down.
If a child in your life is struggling, you must make the commitment to help them find the positive and real SEEs that will help them to heal. It is beyond scary to think that your entire life is broken because of one event or series of events.
Help a child to see that good things are still coming, they are still valuable individuals, and there is love and support waiting for them whenever and where ever they need it. The negative SEE of trauma has made them feel like a victim. Growth through positive SEE’s can help them to feel validated and valuable again. Help them to find this growth, and encourage them to seek it out for themselves. You’ll be amazed to find what a positive SEE it becomes in your own life.