The Importance of No
Many children may respond better to “Stop” than to “No.” That is often the case with younger children. An older toddler may find it fun to hear you say, “Freeze” when you want him to stop, and that’s fine, as long as he also understands that you actually do want him to stop whatever he was doing or was about to do.
However you choose to discipline your child, always be cognizant that your goal is to stop a specific behavior, not to stunt a child’s natural curiosity. Try to convey that you disapprove of the action, not of the child. It is crucial for parents to learn to discipline without damaging a child’s feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry maintains that it’s important to have logical consequences for misbehavior, as it helps children learn that they are accountable for their actions, without damaging their self-esteem.
The Academy offers these tips for effective discipline:
- Speak to your child as you would want to be spoken to if someone were reprimanding you.
- Model positive behavior. “Do as I say, not as I do” seldom works.
- Be clear about what you mean. Be firm and specific.
- Make sure that what you ask for is reasonable, given the child’s age and stage of development.
- Whenever possible, consequences should be delivered immediately, should relate to the rule broken, and should be short enough in duration that you can move on again to emphasize the positives.
- It may seem time-worn, but time-outs work. “Time-out is the most effective and safest punishment to use with a toddler and it makes the most sense,” says Dr. Wilkoff.
Rest is Key
Dr. Wilkoff also reminds parents that well-rested children are better-behaved children, and that the secret to more attentiveness and fewer tantrums may lie with more sleep. If you’re continually faced with a defiant, naughty toddler, you may be dealing with a child who needs a nap or an earlier bedtime. Children under six years of age should get a cumulative total of 12-13 hours of sleep within a 24-hour period. Ideally, that would look like a 7 p.m. bedtime, with a 7 a.m. wake-up time, and a 30-60 minute nap after lunch. Tired children are also the most accident-prone.
Another overlooked but no less important part of having a well-behaved child is making sure you get enough sleep. While most parents just assume that lack of sleep comes with the territory when raising a toddler, the fact is that a well-rested parent is less likely to snap or lash out at a misbehaving child and more likely to be patient and consistent with his or her discipline style. Consistency is key. It reduces resistance and testing behaviors. It will also cut down on the amount of time it takes a toddler to learn new rules.
Dr. Wilkoff believes that the commitment to safety, follow-through, and communication that you establish now with your toddler will reverberate well into his teen years. Which brings up another great resource for parents who genuinely feels at their wits’ end in dealing with a defiant toddler: consult the family practitioner or pediatrician. These physicians are often well-versed in child behavioral issues and can offer expert advice and suggestions on how to handle a toddler who won’t take “No” for an answer.
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