All of your exes would've been way better off in ancient Greco-Roman times.
Have you ever noticed that Michaelangelo's David is somewhat under-equipped? (Yes, yes you have. Hey, it's OK.) It's not just a coincidence. Large penises were considered ungainly in much of art history, mainly associated with fertility gods, satyrs and grotesque old men. For serious. Circumcision was also considered disgusting, FYI.
This specific image of image of the perfect man originated in ancient Greece:
The ideal penis was small, thin and covered with a long, tapered foreskin...The immature male's equipment was especially admired, which may account not only for the small size but the scarcity of body hair in classical art. A passage from Aristophanes sums up the most desirable masculine features: "a gleaming chest, bright skin, broad shoulders, tiny tongue, strong buttocks and a little prick."
Excuse me while I blush.
This small-penis worship re-emerged during the Renaissance (thanks to Michaelangelo! What a sweet dude!). In fact, many iconic dongs depicted during this time were tiny enough to be obscured by a fig leaf. Derp. Happy Monday!
Any art history scholars out there feel like giving us some more famous penis trends in art?