In thinking about how friction is handled within a relationship, I came up with the seesaw (or teeter-totter) analogy, but one where the fulcrum supporting the seats can move up or down, and the seesaw platform can also move 360 degrees.
If you could imagine two people in a relationship, either at the beginning or when together for years, are sitting facing each other at the ends of the seesaw. Imagine further that the height of the fulcrum dictates how high each bounce will go, and the turn of the seesaw dictates which view each rider gets.
At any given time, both people are making decisions, some consciously and some not, about how to conduct themselves, how to communicate with each other, how much they’ll attend to what each other needs or wants, and whether what they’re getting out of the ride justifies keeping it going.
Qualitatively, each person could rate the ride they get based on the following dimensions:
- How safe do I feel?
- Is the ride fun and enervating?
- Am I enjoying the view?
- If I wanted to change the height of the fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would my partner help me?
- If I wanted to take a break and go to the bathroom or do something else, would my partner help me get off and wait for me to come back?
- How safe do I make my partner feel?
- Is the ride fun and enervating for my partner?
- Is my partner enjoying the view?
- If my partner wants to change the height of fulcrum or turn the seesaw for a different view, would I help him/her?
- If my partner wanted to take a break, would I let him/her get off safely and wait until he/she is back?