Shakespeare first coined the term, “green-eyed monster,” but every human has felt jealous at some time. Whether it rears its ugly head over a relationship or comes out at work, we know when we feel it because the possessiveness, anger and rage take over. The majority of marital disputes are due to jealousy, and every police force trains their officers about one of their most deadly missions: being called to domestic violence. Jealousy, with all of its suspicion and irrational thoughts, doesn’t only wreak havoc in your relationships, but also takes its toll on your health. Becoming aware of your own jealousy or tendency for possessiveness and suspicion is the first step, and learning healthier ways to deal with it are the second step.
There are numerous theories about how we develop jealousy. It is common in people who feel insecure or overly dependent upon others, and it is also more likely if you grew up in a home where these types of behavior were demonstrated every day. Anthropologists will tell us it is wired into us as a safety mechanism, and is commonly seen in the animal world. Jealousy as a safety mechanism would be considered healthier and is more fear-based. The type of jealousy that becomes lethal, as do domestic fights, are the anger-based type. The jealous person ends up killing others or themselves.
Jealousy will kill a relationship because people who are frequently jealous obsess about the person they are most afraid of losing. They begin forbidding them from wearing certain clothes, going to certain places, and talking to certain people. Soon the person with whom they are in a relationship begins changing. They no longer have the same friends, wear the same clothes, or talk to the same people. The relationship becomes all about the jealous person trying to keep the object of their suspicion safe. No one and no relationship can survive that. The rage and anger present when the jealous person begins feeling threatened that their love will abandon them. Jealousy left unmanaged turns into a very sick situation and violence is the most likely outcome.
There are steps you can take now to begin managing your jealousy. These exercises will help prevent you from further health risks as well. I frequently work with patients who suffer cardiac problems and hypertension. It is not uncommon for these patients to express a history of anger and jealousy. When you are jealous and enraged your blood pressure has to go higher and the emotional stress you feel does negatively affect your heart.
- Practice letting go of the person you are most trying to possess. If you look at jealousy closely, the person you are most fearful of is the one you have to let go of. If someone is going to cheat, they are going to, no matter what you do or say. By letting go, you are saying to them, I am a complete being, and if that is not enough, it is better I let go now.
- Letting go of possessiveness is easier if you have something to do with the anxiety you feel. Exercising helps minimize the anger, anxiety and crazy thoughts that go along with jealousy.
- Engage with friends outside your relationship as much as possible. Our friends help distract us, and they help rationalize a situation.
- Tell your partner up front you have a jealous tendency, and ask them to be sensitive to that. Many times, partners will actually tease by trying to make their partner jealous. This is insensitive at best, and cruel at worse.
- Building confidence requires us to do the things that make us feel better about ourselves. When I see clients in my office I often times ask them for a list of things that make them interesting or feel good about themselves. I have yet to see someone bring in a list of more than two or three things. Each person should have at least ten things that they are doing that make them feel good about themselves.
- Counseling helps empower. When you become out of control with jealousy, you know it. Your life becomes overtaken by the green-eyed monster. Counseling will help you untangle the web that has been created, and may help you become aware when you are feeling jealous, so you can choose a healthy option before you destroy your life or someone else’s.
Love song lyrics lament about the jealousy and sadness felt when we see someone we love with someone else. These songs are popular because we have all felt jealous and fearful of losing someone we love. However, when this common emotion is expressed with rage and angry actions toward another person that you feel should be dead if they are not with you, it is no longer common, it is sick. Learning how to manage your jealousy will save your life as well as those you love. –Mary Jo Rapini http://www.myfoxhouston.com/story/19623443/2012/09/24/the-green-eyed-monster-of-jealousy-can-kill-you-and-someone-you-love
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