By Aaron Karmin
When you form a connection with your partner, it means there is an implied understanding of values, a common frame of reference, a series of shared experiences, and a sense that you are both on the same page. These connections form the bonds that foster trust and promote intimacy.
Having a connection is like cooking a meal. All the parts combine to create something new and distinct. No different than all the flavors that make meal, all the traits two people share combine to build a connection.
For example, even if you don’t like eggs, you may enjoy cake. And you would most likely favor a cake that has eggs in it, over a cake that doesn’t. Similarly, human qualities don’t exist in a vacuum. Traits that seem undesirable as an isolated personality characteristic, can promote a connection when combined with a host of other qualities.
One way we can connect with our partner is by fostering inside jokes. These are words, phrases, tones of voice, or facial expressions that remind you both of a funny incident. When you laugh with your partner, you create a positive bond, which is what connecting is all about.
Inside jokes come from shared experiences such as:
– parties, birthdays, anniversaries
– travel experiences
– playful moments with pets
– silly actions by children
– funny movies or TV shows
– self-deprecating remarks
– goofy singing or dancing
Another way to connect with your partner is with your body language.
Many important pieces of communication are non-verbal; that is they are not delivered through words alone. For example, our tone of voice, the speed of the voice, the intensity and pitch of the voice, all give our partner clues to our underlying emotion and mood.
Making eye contact with our partner also helps to promote a connection. Establishing eye contact when talking or listening is a way of saying, “I am here in this place and moment with you. I’m not looking at a screen or giving priority to anything else. I’m making you my priority.”
For example, say your partner comes in while you are watching a TV show and begins a conversation. You have a choice. You can turn off or pause the show and respond to the invitation for a conversation. You can continue watching without saying a word. Or you can leave the show on and respond with the distraction of the show still in the background. By turning off all music, televisions sets, computers and cell phones you are choosing to make a connection and emphasizing that this conversation is a priority.
Connecting with your partner has one variable that is not found in any other other relationship, romance. Romance involves the expression of sincere loving feelings and is the fuel that feeds the connection in our love life. Romantic gestures can be very dramatic or very small. However, if you constantly hold back what you really feel, then you may convince yourself that you don’t have a romantic side. But anyone who is capable of falling in love, and who wants to enter a relationship, has the ability to be romantic.
There are an endless variety of little things partners can do to connect with each other on a daily basis. A few examples include writing love notes or sending special e-mail messages, helping each other with a project, and preparing a favorite breakfast. Performing small, simple acts regularly can have a dramatic impact upon being connected with your partner.