My friend hasn’t been herself lately. She seems terribly sad and withdrawn, and I don’t know how to help her. What’s the best way to approach someone who might be depressed?
A Concerned Friend
Kudos to you for looking for a way to help your friend. It’s hard to see someone you care about sink into sadness, and to not know what to say or do to help. Depression is an illness that affects a great many people—not just the one out of every 10 adults in the US suffering from major or clinical depression, but the people close to them too. To help you find the best way to support your friend, I sought advice from mental health experts, and also deep-dived into my and others’ personal experience with this important issue. Here’s what you need to know.
What Depression Is (And What It Isn't)
The first step is to understand, as much as possible, what your friend is going through. From the outside, depression could look like regular sadness—the kind that touches all of our lives at times and brings us down before we eventually move on. Depression, however, is more extreme: symptoms last longer, emotions are more intense, and everyday life is simply harder to maintain. Clinical psychologist Dr. Jeffrey DeGroat offers this example:
A person who is sad may not study for a few days, avoid going out with friends over the weekend, or skip a couple days of school/work. While a friend who is depressed might not study for weeks on end, avoid spending time with friends and family for weeks on end, and may fail classes or lose their job.
Depression is not sadness. Sadness is common, normal, and, many would say, essential to us as human beings. You might be able to cheer up a sad friend with jokes, encouragement, or problem-solving. Depression, on the other hand, is a medical illness or disorder that can sometimes be devastating (every 30 seconds, somewhere in the world someone takes his or her life. Note: If your friend seems suicidal, go straight to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline—or your area's equivalent if you're outside the US—for advice.) You can’t talk or distract a person out of depression any more than you can talk or distract someone out of having the flu or a heart attack. Often, people with depression don’t know why they have that overwhelming feeling of despair or, on the flipside, extreme apathy. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense. Comedian Kevin Breel stated it so well in his TED talk: