Abuse in a couple
Abuse in a couple: causes, effects, and keys to understanding this phenomenon
Human beings are relational beings, that is, we can only understand ourselves about others, and the central place where we learn to do it is the family. Statistics indicate that around 30-40% of families suffer some form of domestic or partner violence. Harassment in the couple affects more women, but men can also be victims.
When someone is a victim of partner abuse, it is necessary to distinguish between psychological abuse and physical abuse.
Physical abuse and psychological abuse
The psychological abuse is based on intentional behaviors, executed from a position of power and aimed at devaluing, producing psychic damage, destroying self-esteem and reducing personal confidence. Their condition leads to depersonalization, at the same time as it generates dependence on the person who inflicts them. The abuser uses insults, accusations, threats, destructive criticisms, shouts, manipulations, silences, indifference and contempt.
The physicist, in addition to all the above, is performed by hitting and provoking any type of physical pain, either with hands or with other objects, which may cause the death of the person attacked.
Abuse is a process that usually lasts for many years, which starts from a situation of control and devaluation by the husband towards his wife or vice versa, and in which, among other things, prevents his partner from developing of social activities such as leaving their friendships or visiting their family.
Most aggressors do not use violence outside the family
Initially, it was believed that intrafamily violence involved irrational, impulsive acts, in which the aggressor did not understand the consequences of their actions. The reality is that it is not a problem of losing control of oneself, but of taking control over the couple and children.
The majority of offenders do not use violence against other people outside the family, nor do they risk attacking in situations in which they anticipate negative consequences for themselves.
Another widespread belief is that maltreatment in the couple is restricted to the most impoverished and uneducated sectors, but in reality, this is not an exclusive phenomenon of the weak segments, and as one ascends the social scale there are more resources to hide this situation.
Regarding the consumption of alcohol, the reality is that it is a risk factor, but it has been observed that it is not the direct cause of the abuse. Many alcoholics are not violent at home.
Why are there women who endure abuse?
In most cases, the battered woman maintains the link with her abuser because of being economically and emotionally dependent, and because of ignorance of her rights. The fear of a fatal outcome also prevents many women from going to social services to ask for adequate help.
To prevent gender violence, it is necessary to change attitudes through education in equal rights from childhood and adolescence and re-education to adults. Coexistence presupposes free choice and non-ownership of people.
Men can also be victims of abuse
Partner violence is immediately associated with the battered woman. But, to a lesser extent, men can also be victims of partner violence.
The majority of cases of gender violence in which the man is the victim are due to psychological abuse. Men do not usually report for different reasons: lack of legal support and resources for abused men, problems of credibility or fear of ridicule.
TEST – Does your partner mistreat you?
You think, that the physical abuse is something evident and that it is not necessary that you ask yourself questions to know if you suffer it; Psychological abuse, however, is usually something more subtle and difficult to identify, and it is even possible that it is difficult for you to recognize it.
There is also another type of abuse in a relationship, and it is indifference and lack of love, something that is demonstrated through small details. Therefore, even if you do not feel physically threatened, even if your partner does not insult or ridicule you – neither in public nor in private – you may not behave like someone who loves you.
I. When my partner gets angry:
1. It does not get aggressive or lose my respect.
2. It becomes aggressive, raising my voice excessively, threatening me or hitting objects.
3. It becomes aggressive and has come to raise my hand or hit me.
II. Regarding the money that I earn or that comes home:
1. We handle it between the two.
2. My partner wants to be the one who controls it.
3. My partner is very suspicious of what I do ( asks for explanations of all expenses).
III. When I consider separating from him/her:
1. I would not like it, but if things went badly, I would have to.
2. I feel restless; I do not know if I would dare.
3. I am afraid of not knowing how to be without him/her.
IV. When I have an emotional problem:
1. My partner is the first person willing to help me.
2. My spouse pays fair attention to me and thinks it’s not so bad.
3. My partner ignores me entirely because it does not give value to my feelings.
V. Regarding sexual relations, when I do not agree with your proposals …
1. He does not show annoyance.
2. He frowns at me, and it takes a long time to pass him by.
3. He gets angry with me (he gets aggressive, or stops talking to me).
VI. Regarding the time we can be without talking to each other after anger.
1. Little. If it is not one, it is the other, but we try to fix it soon.
2. My partner may not be talking to me for a few days, or he will not speak to me until I do not speak first.
3. My partner may not be talking to me or being indifferent to me for a week or more, despite my attempts to fix it.
VII. When I’m sick, and I need someone to help me:
1. My partner supports me justly.
2. Whenever possible, my partner is there for what he needs.
3. I can not count on my partner, because he does not value my discomfort or he does it reluctantly.
VIII. According to what he/she says, the opinion that my partner has of me:
1. I am a person who loves, admires and cares.
2. It’s pretty mediocre. I do not think he cares too much.
3. Is that of a stupid, a person with little value and inferior to him/her.
IX. When we are in a public setting.
1. Treat me in a manner that is respectful and appropriate to the circumstances.
2. Usually, I take the opposite side.
3. Many times he ridicules me or leaves me cut off.
X. When something has gone wrong in the relationship, or we have some problem
1. He does not usually blame me for the problem, and we look for solutions together.
2. He/she is never wrong
3. My partner always condemns me, exempting himself from any responsibility.
XI. How many times do you do things or take on tasks that you do not like to avoid an argument with your partner?
1. Few times, and when I do it, it’s to make you happy.
2. Not always, but I admit that more times than I should.
3. Constantly. My needs are second for him/her.
XII. When I did not want to have sex:
1. My partner has never insisted until I get upset.
2. My partner has declared on wrong ways (bad faces, etc.) until we have had them.
3. My partner has come to force me to keep them.
> 30 – Very High Abuse
25 to 29 – Bad
20 to 25 – Moderate
16 to 19 – Low
12 to 15 – Remote Abuse