1 a : to disengage or separate the threads of : disentangle b : to cause to come apart by or as if by separating the threads of
2 : to resolve the intricacy, complexity, or obscurity of : clear up <unravel a mystery>
The man I know as my father is unraveling with rapid speed. Disengaging day by day, unraveling and leaving parts of himself behind... a physical trait here, a memory there. They said it would happen, but we held out some kind of hope for a magic pill or a misdiagnosis.
And while he is unraveling, shedding the wholeness and complexity that once was, there have been moments of joy as his carefully woven facade sloughs away bit by bit.
I know my father loves me. I have always known that, but he's had a very hard time saying it. I blame his harsh Germanic upbringing. You could see the struggle on his face, or hear it in his voice when you would say, "I love you, Dad!" and he knew he would have to respond and sometimes he did, with merely a strained, "Oh... Thank you." It was painful... not that he didn't reciprocate the feelings, but that saying it felt like he was breaking some long-ago ingrained rule.
As my father's disease worsened, his emotions ran more freely. No more stifling a tear or denying a feeling. It was amazing, and at times, almost scary to experience.
And then there came a time, when talking to him on the phone, that the conversation was not as usual ended by me saying, "I love you, Dad!" and then waiting in discomfort as he tried to sputter out the same words.... There came a time when he said, with no discomfort whatsoever, "I love you, Sweetie! Don't stay away so long!" and he said it first. I think the first time he did that, I responded in kind, hung up the phone and cried. It was salve on the wound. It was reassurance... it was just nice. There was no facade, there was no persona, there was just a father telling his daughter that he loved her... and telling her first
If you like people, if you love people, tell them. Life is too short. There's too much bullshit. We don't hesitate for a second to rip someone a new one, but so often we hold back the good. There's something wrong with that. We should be taught to struggle to spit out the venom, not the love.
Things are funky right now... I'm not really in the mood for posting... not even my filler YouTubes... but I just wanted to say, for anyone who stops by on a regular, or not so regular basis, you are appreciated and I like you.