The experience of our life is based on the color palette from which we paint it. Having more colors and shades to choose from creates a more beautiful life. It begins with the three primary colors: red, yellow and blue. Or, considering emotional states: mad, happy, and sad. Imagine limiting your experience of art—and emotions—to just these three options.
Teaching a child emotional intelligence has a direct, positive impact on their quality of life. A study published by the American Public Health Association (APHA) found that social-emotional skills in kindergarteners positively correlated with “key young adult outcomes across multiple domains of education, employment, criminal activity, substance use, and mental health.” In other words, expanding one’s emotional intelligence reflects favorably in all other areas of life.
I often use colors as an analogy to teach children about emotions. One of my favorite tools is Montessori Color Tablets, the “3rd Box.” This beautiful wooden box contains nine sets of colors. Within each of the nine sets are seven tablets, each one a shade of that color. I like to take these tablets out and spread them around on the floor, like a blooming color wheel. The center of the wheel is the darkest color and lighter shades are at the outside of the circle. I ask children to choose a color that shows how they are feeling. Kids always seem to know what color they are feeling and choose one right away. I then let them describe what that color means to them.
A dramatic example is a six-year-old girl who had been having severe temper tantrums. Something would set her off, and she would have an intense reaction that could last for hours. I sat down with her and my color tablets. We talked about the most recent incidence, and I asked her if there was a color that showed how she was feeling. She chose black. “Black,” she said. “I feel like I’m going to die.” She placed the tablet on the table like the winning card in a high stakes poker game.
She understood that she was out of control. I explained to her that when she is that upset, her rational brain goes offline and she loses her “choice-making” ability. I taught her about her prefrontal cortex, the limbic system, and the amygdala—the part of the brain thought to store trauma and command our primal emotions like fear and anger. Yes, a six-year-old.
I then asked her to choose a color that showed how she was feeling just before black. She chose red. Was there a color before that? Yes, it was orange. I explained that when she is feeling like the orange color, she still has the capacity to make a choice, to choose a different behavior or thought that can keep her from reaching that black feeling. She understood. After playing with these color tablets and drawing for nearly an hour, we went out to her backyard to rest. She gently rocked in a hammock with the blue summer sky peaking through the fluttering green leaves. I guided her to systematically relax her body, her breath, and her mind. Afterward she said, “If you want to see me again, I’m available.” Her parents recently reported that she no longer experiences “black” on her personal emotions color wheel.
The gradation of each color on these tablets helps a child learn that there is a scale to an emotion. A child can be really angry, the darkest shade of red, or a bit irritated, which may be the lightest shade of red or a pale orange. A child learns that the world is not black and white; there are many shades and nuances. It’s not just “mad” or “happy” or “sad.” There is a much broader emotional spectrum from which we may paint a beautiful life.
When a child picks a color tablet, I also ask if there is a sensation in their body that relates to the emotion. Emotions are energy in motion. They are a felt sense in the body, and as an emotion arises, so does a body sensation. Body sensations are our emotional guidance system. Along with identifying a color with an emotion, it’s important to also learn to identify the feeling in the body. A rock in your stomach, a fluttering heart, and cold sweats are all examples of emotions as physical sensation. This awareness is incredibly valuable for both safety and enjoyment. Fear as tightness in the belly can let you know what action to take to stay safe. Warm, soft, openness in the heart can guide a child to approach someone who may turn out to be a lifelong friend.
There is a skill set needed to process emotions. Any experience that has not been processed gets buried in the unconscious and influences our day-to-day life for the rest of our life and without our awareness. This is where yoga comes in. Yogasana (postures) are an effective way to process emotions. As my teacher Yogarupa Rod Stryker said in a recent workshop, “Asana transforms your relationship to the past.” The physical body is like a canvas that captures emotions and thoughts. Everything we think and do makes an impression on the tissues of our body. Yogasana transforms your relationship with the past because you are moving the tissues where these experiences have landed. They are integrated and released. This integration keeps us free and open and alive.
In My Many Colored Days, written by Dr. Seuss and published posthumously, brightly colored animals are paired with feelings. This pairing is another tool to help children understand and express a broader palette of emotions. A purple dinosaur dragging his tail is lonely. Bright yellow, busy, buzzy bees say, “Wheeee!” A red horse says, “On bright red days how good it feels to be a horse and kick my heels!” Each animal in the book becomes a yoga pose. For example, to be a horse, children can begin in downward facing dog, kick their legs into the air, and whinny. Not everyone chooses red when they are excited, so I ask the kids, “Is red your color when you feel excited like this horse? Or is it another color?” Thinking about it in this way helps them develop an understanding of emotional states in others and a recognition that it could be different from their own state—a key component of emotional intelligence.
It’s important to acknowledge that this sensitivity is disregarded in our society. Children are exposed to stereotypes that still exist. Feelings are weak and girly; thinking is strong and manly. Fortunately, there is a sea change underway from “locker room talk” and a “tough guy” façade to a recognition and acceptance of the importance of emotional intelligence—in both men and women. We’ve reached a point of upheaval where both children and adults are being called to the task of broadening their emotional color wheel.
Another consideration in the development of emotional intelligence is the tendency to want to protect a child from experiencing difficult emotions. This is akin to “helping” a butterfly by ripping open its cocoon. It is in the struggle that it gains the ability to fly. This is the alchemical process of yoga. As children learn to identify and process a wide range of emotions—both those that are preferred and those that are not—they advance from working with the classic set of 8 Crayola® crayons to the “Ultimate” 152 color set. The raw sienna of losing a game or the brick red of an unfaithful friend create a compelling contrast to the laser lemon of a day at the beach.
Like a great impressionist, a child can gain the skills to mix an infinite variety of colors to create a rich and meaningful—and—beautiful life
Mira Binzen has a degree in child psychology and is a certified Yoga and iRest® Yoga Nidra teacher, yoga therapist, and co-founder of Global Family Yoga (globalfamilyyoga.com), a teacher-training program based in Chicago, focusing on children and families. She offers wellness consults for families by phone and Skype. Her e-mail address is email@example.com.