Amid and after the emotional upheaval of a relationship breakdown, learning to parent apart can be tough. It requires personal commitment and emotional energy at a time when you may feel very depleted. Children of parents who cannot find a way to parent cooperatively are at risk of poorer educational results, emotional and social difficulties and an increased likelihood that they too will face relationship breakdown as adults. Fortunately, there is evidence that not all children suffer long term negative consequences and there is excellent research on what helps protect children and build their emotional resilience. Perhaps surprising is the finding that there is no best or worst age for children to be at a time of separation and boys and girls are equally affected but may show it in different ways at different ages.
The good news is that parents have the power to reduce or overcome the most serious outcomes for their children. UK research by the Joseph Rowntree Trust and in the US by Jo-Anne Pedro-Carroll PhD, a clinical psychologist, discuss known risk and protective factors. These are summarised below (view references):
- Protection from parental conflict
- Co-operative parenting (except in situations of domestic violence or abuse)
- Good quality, authoritative parenting
- Healthy relationships between children and parents
- Stable households
- Each parent’s psychological wellbeing and recovery from separation
- Supportive relationships with brothers, sisters and extended family
- Economic stability.
Attending a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) is a good way to talk confidentially about issues that need resolving and to consider your options for dealing with them and finding information and any other resources that might help.
Pedro-Carroll JA. How Parents Can Help Children Cope With Separation/Divorce. In: Tremblay RE, Boivin M, Peters RDeV, eds. Emery RE, topic ed. Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development [online]. http://www.child-encyclopedia.com/divorce-and-separation/according-experts/how-parents-can-help-children-cope-separationdivorce. Published June 2011. Accessed January 14, 2019.