Are you familiar with the term emotional boundaries, KALMers? Let’s think for a bit: have you ever felt like your friends’ problems are your problems? They tell you about all the negative things in their lives like their annoying partner or their smoking habit that had been an issue for them in the past year, and you start to feel the same pressure as them. Maybe another friend keeps telling you about a part of their personal life that you are uncomfortable about, but you feel like you can’t say no to listening. Tiring, isn’t it? That’s because you may feel that you are involved with issues that actually have nothing to do with you. You may also feel like you can’t make a decision for yourself and keep trying to fulfil other people’s needs. If you feel like this, you may have a poor sense of emotional boundaries.
What are emotional boundaries?
When you are able to separate your feelings from another person’s feelings, that means you have your emotional boundaries established. Those boundaries are broken when you find yourself thinking that you’re responsible for another person’s emotions, feel that other people are in control of your feelings, prioritizing another person’s needs above your own, thinking other people are responsible for your problems, and thinking that you are responsible for theirs. Having a sense of boundaries means that your emotions won’t be easily influenced by other people, and having a strong sense of awareness and autonomy. You notice what your friends go through and how they feel, but you are mindful enough to not let that take you over. You are aware of what you are willing to do or not do for people, and you are assertive enough to take a stand for yourself when needed.
Why are emotional boundaries important?
As you may know, we are all unique individuals in this world. Boundaries are important because they help us establish our identities. Healthy boundaries help us set our individuality to differentiate ourselves among other people. They can also help us stand up for ourselves, and make choices between what we actually want to do and what we don’t. So, realizing where the line is between your concerns and their concerns are important because that is what separates them from you as an individual, and therefore allows more room for you to reflect upon yourself and grow.
Surely, your friends have vented to you about their problems, and you have done the same to them. It’s great that they trust you enough to share their issues with you, and your understanding towards their feelings show that you are a good friend. But sometimes, you may find yourself caught up in those problems and worrying too much that they disrupt you from your own thinking and activities. To stop that from happening, we must establish our emotional boundaries.
How do we establish our emotional boundaries?
Just Say, “No”
When setting up emotional boundaries, first you must be able to say no to tasks you don’t want to do or don’t have time to do; be firm and have confidence in doing it.
Accept Assistance From Others
Next is to say yes to “help”. When another person offers assistance and you need it, there’s no shame in accepting it! Afterwards, say thank you with no apology, regret or shame.
Learn to Ask for Help
Other than accepting help, asking for help is just as fair. When your friend asks you to do something for them but you choose not to do it, try to delegate those tasks. Offer your friend to make the request upon someone else who is available. It is not good for your friend either to always think that you are the only one they can ask for help.
Communicate Your Feelings
Don’t subject yourself to inconvenience; speak up if you feel uncomfortable with how someone is treating you or when your needs are being crossed out. Honour what is important to you by choosing to put yourself first. Each of us are responsible for our own things, so drop the guilt and responsibility for others
Don’t Forget That You Are Also Important
You may think other people’s needs are important, but yours are just as significant. So, protect your time – don’t overcommit to other people, and take time to think about yourself. When you start to feel suffocated, ask for space. Of course, we all need our own time.
Don’t Forget to Takes Care of Yourself
KALMers, emotional boundaries do not make you a bad friend; sometimes we just need to take care of ourselves first before we can take care of others. So, try to establish those boundaries as much as they fit to your needs. By being the best version of you, you may even become a better friend!
Notes: If you feel overwhelmed and still not sure how to create an emotional boundaries, don’t hesitate to use KALM and talk to one of Kalmselors (KALM professional counselors).
If you want to read how to set emotional boundaries with family, you can read it here.
Author: Alefa Raihani
Editor: Lukas Limanjaya
Camins, S. (2020). Setting Emotional Boundaries in Relationships | Road to Growth Counseling. Retrieved 2 June 2020, from https://roadtogrowthcounseling.com/importance-boundaries-relationships/#:~:text=Emotional%20boundaries%20involve%20separating%20your,and%20accepting%20responsibility%20for%20theirs.
Selva, J. (2020). How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 10 Examples + PDF Worksheets. Retrieved 2 June 2020, from https://positivepsychology.com/great-self-care-setting-healthy-boundaries/