Your preschooler isn't happy that you've just switched the channel from Arthur to the evening news. Upon seeing Dan Rather's face on the screen, he exclaims that he's a "fartface." Like many adults, he's coming up short of words to express his frustration. Or perhaps his best preschool buddy has just expanded his vocabulary and thought it funny to share a few choice words — which your child is now eager to recite at home. And since he's at least thinking about using the potty, your preschooler is especially fond of chanting scatological words in between streams of giggles. In almost every case, you're watching a thoughtful experiment on your preschooler's part: "Here's something I heard, which people seem to say with a certain level of intensity or distaste. Let's see what happens when I say it!" No matter where this language comes from, though, it's never too early to teach your child that it isn't acceptable.
Treat toileting matter-of-factly. If you wrinkle your nose every time you change your preschooler's pull-up or stage-whisper the common words for elimination, it's no wonder that he quickly latches on to the idea that bodily functions and the terms used to describe them are guaranteed attention-grabbers. Remind yourself that it's utterly normal for a child who's in the process of potty training — to be fascinated with his body (especially the parts that are usually kept covered) and everything that comes out of it. If you don't attach too much significance to his fascination with potty talk, it has a better chance of passing (eventually!). Reading fun picture books like Everyone Poops, by Taro Gomi, and The Gas We Pass, by Shinta Cho, can also help de-emphasize the forbidden (and thus endlessly alluring) nature of these subjects.
Keep a poker face. When your preschooler says a swear word or makes a reference to a bodily function, resist the urge to chuckle, which he'll take as wonderful reinforcement for doing it again. The ability to make adults laugh — or angry or upset — is enormously powerful when you're small. And even if it's entertaining to hear your wee one innocently inventing new terms (such as "poopynose"), showing your amusement isn't in his best interests.
Substitute fun-but-clean alternatives. If your child's just trying a new word on for size or sing-songing it under his breath for the thrill, you can probably persuade him to substitute another exciting new word (try "abracadabra" or "shazzam") or a nursery rhyme. Or you could swap a similar-sounding goofy word for the inappropriate one — snoopynose for poopynose, for example. If the problem is that he's short on acceptable words to express intense anger or frustration, it may help to encourage him to say loudly, "I'm mad" or "I'm frustrated." (The word "frustrated" is multisyllabic, but preschoolers get the meaning at once.) Some families invent amusing epithets of their own ("Oh, shoes," for instance).
Set limits. If your preschooler has latched on to a serious profanity or two, he needs you to set some guidelines. It's crucial to do this calmly — without becoming agitated or mad — otherwise, each time you blow up, you'll just remind him how much power he has to make you pay attention to him quickly. If it's a made-up word (such as "wee-wee-face"), tell him that there's no such thing and you don't understand what he's saying. For adult-variety swear words, don't explain what they mean or why they're unacceptable. Just make it clear, in a matter-of-fact and disinterested voice, which words are off-limits: "That's not a word you may use in our house or around other people." ("We don't allow that kind of language" is too vague for a preschooler.)
Invoke consequences. If your preschooler won't stop the salty talk even after a warning or two, then it's time for disciplinary tactics. Stay calm, respond swiftly, and be consistent: "That word gets you a time-out." (A time-out at this age should be short and can be enforced anywhere: the back seat of the car, a quiet spot at the mall, the back room at Grandma's.) If time-outs alone don't do the trick, you may need to up the ante by revoking privileges, but again, do it as consistently and unemotionally as you can: "If you use that word, you can't keep your playdate with Malcolm," or "you can't watch Dragon Tales this afternoon." At this point, you'll want to give some thought to why your preschooler is so bent on battling with you. Perhaps his use of foul language is a sign that something else is bothering him, for instance.
Don't let swearing get results. If your preschooler's cursing because he wants something, make sure he doesn't get whatever it is he's asking for. It isn't good enough to say, "That wasn't very nice language, but here's your ice cream cone anyway."
Teach respect. You're not doing your child any favors by letting him think it's okay to hurl even baby-variety epithets at other kids. (Ask him how he'd feel if someone called him a "farthead," for instance.) Swear words and excessive bathroom talk won't be looked upon kindly at preschool, on the playground, at playmates' houses — or at Grandpa's dinner table. Explain that these words hurt people's feelings, that it makes no difference if other kids are using the same language, and that name-calling simply isn't allowed. Your preschooler is still working on learning empathy and won't always remember to think of others, but he still needs to know that his actions have an affect on them.
Watch your own mouth. Sure, there are different rules for adults' and children's behavior, but if your youngster hears you casually pepper your daily conversation with profanity, it'll be a lot harder to convince him not to talk that way himself. If he mimics something you said, admit that you shouldn't have said it either, then distract him with a toy or a book — and vow to clean up your act.
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