Adopting a child is a life time commitment. It is a huge decision for all parents, whether as a couple or as a single parent. Once one has made the decision to adopt a child and registers for adoption, they need to wait for their name to come to the top of the waiting list, depending upon how long ago they registered. When that happens, the child’s age is matched with that of the prospective adoptive parent. More details regarding the parent – child age matching process can be viewed here: http://www.cara.nic.in
Today we are going to talk about the different aspects of adopting an older child. Adopting a child of any age requires a good insight into the various aspects of adoption and child care, but it gets even more challenging when the child is older. An older child is an individual who comes in with a definite past or with a certain family history and a behavioral pattern that is already set. When such a child comes home, the adoptive parents need to take these aspects into consideration and have the readiness to accept him unconditionally along with the emotional baggage that he may bring with him.
Things to Consider Before the Child Comes Home
Before deciding to accept the child proposed to them, prospective parents need to consider the following things:
1. Speak to the social worker of the agency and understand aspects of the child’s current life, such as:
- Basic nature of the child
- Daily routine
- Food habits – meal times, specific likes and dislikes, allergies related to food (if any)
- Immunization chart (if the child has had one while in the agency, it will help prospective parents follow up with the pending immunizations once the child comes home)
- Other health related information
- School related details (in case the child has already started going to formal school while in the agency’s care)
- In case the child has not started attending formal school and attends a non formal class in the agency, then the details of the same
- Special moments if any (the child’s birthday or festivals that may have been celebrated in the agency and which the child may have participated in)
2. Visit the child’s school in case she is already attending one. This will help prospective parents understand the child’s academic situation from her teachers.
3. Spend time with the child – play, talk and try to communicate with the child so that a bond is established even before the child comes home. This is also an opportunity for the child to start understanding her new family.
Things to Consider After the Child Comes Home
The coming home of the adopted child signals the start of a new chapter in the lives of the parents and the child itself. It is important for parents to take care to make the child comfortable and help her adjust to her new family and surroundings. A few things to consider after the child comes home are:
1. Introduce the child to your home and family – routines, food, smells, rituals etc. Considering the new adoption procedure introduced by CARA, the child need not be from the same area that you live in, which means that she may be used to a different lifestyle and even weather. Give her an idea of how things are different in your location.
2. The child may have mood swings or appear to be overly sensitive. It is important for parents to give the child lots of time and space, especially in the initial days to help her find her bearings in the new place. Being patient and understanding will help everyone transition through this phase.
3. Wait for the child to become comfortable in her new home before involving her in family functions or ceremonies that may include people other than her core family.
4. A few hugs time to time will go a long way in cheering up the child, since she’s quite likely to have missed out on actual human touch and contact in her early years.
5. Along with toys, educational games and books , be sure that you gift your child plenty of time, especially during the transitional phase.
6. Maintain an honest, open channel of communication with the child so that she can speak openly and you are fully aware of his/ her needs.
Tips to Help the Child adjust to the Community
Many older children who get adopted have had very little, if any, exposure to formal school, so it is essential to have realistic expectations on the academic front. This is probably the first time the child is attending school, and it might take her some time to mould into the school’s expected framework and it’ll probably be a while before she starts learning and understanding everything taught at school.
At this stage, parents can appreciate all the small achievements the child makes on every front, whether they are academic or just about adjusting to a new place. Help her make friends of the same age in your housing complex, but don’t force her on anyone or vice versa.
Be open to the fact that the child may talk to you about her past memories including her worst fears, happy moments, etc. It has been observed that older children placed in adoption start opening up to their parents once they have developed a good rapport and trust in them. Listening to your child’s unhappy past can be painful, but remember that this is very important for the child to heal. Ensure that you have a positive and open body language, and are available whenever the child wants to talk. If you find your eyes welling up with tears along with your child’s, let them flow freely. Letting out your emotions together is an important milestone in your relationship with your child and will help to strengthen your bond and convey your unconditional love towards her. Working together, you and your child can rebuild her dreams of a healthy and happy family life.
Watch out for our next article on adoption: Preparing your First Child for an Adopted Sibling
Deepali has a BA in sociology from Pune University; Masters in Social Work from the Tata Institute of Social Sciences (Mumbai); PG Diploma in School Psychology from Janana Prabodhini Institute of Psychology. She has the experience of working in the field of Family & Child Welfare since the last 15 yrs. She is currently a freelancer with 3 different adoption agencies. She is an adoptive parent herself.