Q: What is the cause of loneliness and what can we do about it?
A: There are three causes for loneliness. The first is depression. People who are depressed do not activate their life and thus do not take the time or the energy to meet people. The second is self-ego absorption. This type of person does not see the importance of relationships. They also feel that the time and energy spent is not worth it. Therefore, they do not enter into the mainstream of human interaction. The third and most fundamental cause of depression is that people have a comfort zone, which, like most people, they rarely leave. However, this comfort zone is so small, their emotions do not allow them to move out and meet people. Therefore they remain alone and, in time, become lonely.
Almost everyone has both introverted and extroverted qualities; however, some people are born more introverted than others. Often due to painful early childhood or past-life experiences, a person withdraws from the world into an even smaller zone resulting in even less contact with people.
Q: What can we do about loneliness?
A: First, recognize that there is a difference between loneliness and aloneness. Some people would be far happier alone than putting up with the “garbage” so they will not feel “lonely.”
Most people are bored, which I think is an offshoot of depression. When this happens, they fail to stimulate their mind and consequently feel the sense of loneliness rather than a sense of aloneness. They need to realize there is a world of fascinating subjects to be studied, learned and mediated upon.
People who do not study are rather dull and therefore if that person makes superficial contact, their dullness is evident and people will tend to pull away. Life is a two-way street. Each of us needs to bring something to any relationship—love, compassion, understanding—in short, knowledge. This is done by developing a sense of humor and a genuine interest in other people and what they are doing.
Start noticing their hairstyles, clothing, packages, books they are reading—and compliment them. This will move your awareness from your ego-self and direct it towards the world and other souls. Warmth and friendliness are the key qualities you should be projecting.
The people who become lonely most frequently are souls who are not interested in life, people, dreams or in ideals. Most often they are people who have lost faith in others. The truth is that they simply think others should speak and act as they think they should, when and how they think they should. They are lost in their own ego-structure that believes the world and everything in it should obey the laws as they understand or wish them to be. This attitude definitely attributes to their loneliness. After all, who could share their glory or understand their greatness?
Why do we think this way? Because we feel we have no self-importance. Religions and “Madison Avenue” have found that people with low self-esteem can easily be manipulated. Thus, unfortunately, they have worked at reducing people’s self-esteem rather than building it up.
The best and fastest way to lift your self-esteem is to help other people feel good about themselves. Do something important in order to help others improve their lives. Be able to offer humor, love, compassion, understanding, knowledge and/or wisdom, so as to bring to any relationship, at any level, something the other person needs and/or appreciates.
We do this by observing people, seeing what triggers warmth, what glues them together, what causes them to be torn apart. If you genuinely like yourself, others will like you. If you do not like yourself, your stance, intonations, or words will cause others to judge you in the same manner. The key is to work on developing your personality and to bring to any relationship that which is meaningful to the people you meet. In short, it is as my guru said, “By turning away from our ego-self and directing our energy towards others, we soften our personalities.”
In closing, understand the difference between loneliness and aloneness. Never pay the price of being a “mat” so that you will not be alone. It is better to be alone happily than to be in a self-destructive relationship.