This is not something that most parents would like to admit but what if, instead of the one being bullied, it was, in fact, your child who was the bully? Would you know immediately that your child was a bully? If so, how would you handle it? If not, how would you find out? Ask yourself a few of the following questions first in order to genuinely assess the situation.
• Does my child tend to be aggressive towards others including adults?
• Do most children shy away from my child?
• Does my child like to tease and pick fights with others?
• Is my child domineering and manipulative towards me and everyone else?
• Does my child tend to get frustrated easily?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, I would be willing to bet that your child is considered a bully to other children. So where do you go from here and how do you resolve to eliminate destructive behaviors to promote a positive change in your youth? It will take some time and patience but with the proper support, you could help eliminate these and all other destructive behaviors.
One thing that bullies tend to seek is attention and control, this is one of the main reasons they bully because they feel like this is the way they can gain control over situations. Teaching your child that emotions can change and anything that can change can be controlled helps in promoting healthy emotional behavior. Another thing bullies seek is power; they are usually very popular, most often because most people are too afraid to stand up to them. I remember when I was in school I had someone in my class who would bully me. I dreaded going to that particular class every day because I knew this particular girl would torment me.
I did everything I could to seem “invisible” from not really answering questions in class to literally slumping down in my seat as if to hide behind someone in front of me in hopes that this girl would stop her anger and aggression towards me and pass it on to someone else. It didn’t work. Then, one day, she got on my bus and went the same way home with me—I believe she was going to a friend’s house—and, yes, she teased and taunted me all the way home on the bus.
By the time we arrived at my stop, I was both relieved to be getting off and terrified that she would follow me.
So I mustered up every bit of courage I had in my little elementary body, got off the bus and, of course, she followed. She pushed me in the back; I fell to the ground and the other children laughed hysterically at me. Not wanting to be the “butt” of anyone’s joke, I got back up, dusted myself off and lunged towards her with everything in me. I began to hit her and push her until I felt like I could not do so anymore. I then ran home and was fearful that the cops would show up to my door later.
Next day, in school, she saw me in class and simply said, “I didn’t know you would fight me back,” and took her seat. Imagine my shock and surprise. A simple act of standing up to the bully is one way to prevent further attacks. Now, I do not condone violence so please do not hear me tell you to fight a bully but definitely standing up to them will prevent the bullying.
Teaching your child to manage their emotions in a positive way will lead to promoting productive behaviors and eliminating destructive behaviors like bullying.
Here are some helpful tips to use if you know your child is more likely a bully to other children:
- Focus on minimizing aggression. This is where it starts. Getting to the bottom of where the aggression lies is key. Observe when your child is most aggressive. What are they doing? What happened prior to the incident? And what do you do immediately following the aggression? Do not meet aggression with aggression as it will only cause more of what you do not want. When your child is actively displaying aggressive behaviors, pull them away from others and speak in soft tones. If they get louder, get softer until they finally quiet down. This will take self-control on your part (especially if your child is strong-willed and may go longer just to spite you) however if you do this, you will be able to minimize the aggression enough so that you can get to the bottom of the issue.
- Teach them there are consequences for every choice. Here’s a HUGE issue. It never ceases to amaze me how some of my clients will allow unfavorable behaviors in the child and act like there is nothing they can do about it. At an early age, children should be taught that EVERY choice has a consequence whether good or bad. If they make a bad choice, it MUST be met with a bad consequence, this is the only way to minimize destructive behaviors. So if you want to eliminate bullying in your child, be sure to teach them that although they are allowed to make any choice they want, they are NOT allowed to choose the consequence of that choice so therefore if they want better consequences, they MUST make better choices.
- Meet their basic needs daily in a positive way. This is something I teach my clients early in the process. We all have the same human basic needs however we prioritize each of them differently based on what’s most important to us as an individual. If you don’t figure out and meet your child’s human needs daily in a positive way, you better believe they will meet those needs more often in a negative way. Then you will find yourself in a vicious cycle of frustration and not know how to get out of it. Do yourself and your child a favor, find out what needs are driving their behaviors so you can meet them in a positive way.
Want to learn what is driving your child’s behavior? I’ve created a FREE assessment that will help you identify the needs driving the behavior and tips on how to help your child meet these needs. Click here for access NOW!