In the 45 minutes after the curfew deadline, a swarm of nightmares had attacked Rita and Jim about Melinda’s safety, but their relief at seeing her was not expressed before the anger erupted. “You’re late again! Where were you? What were you doing? You promised to be home by 10. We were worried sick!”
Later behind the slammed door, Melinda fumed. She was convinced her parents would never trust her so why should she bother trying? “I was only hanging out with my friends! Why do you always need to know exactly where I am and what I am doing? You check up on me all the time!” Silently she grumbled: “I hate this! They act as if I’m doing drugs, sex and crime! Do they think I have no brains at all? I feel like running away to where there are no stupid rules!”
In both rooms there is pain, anger, fear, disappointment and even despair. Is Melinda bad, sick or crazy? No. Are Rita and Jim unreasonable? No. Is this family dysfunctional? Not at all. There is actually a strong bond of love and respect among them. But tonight’s episode has them blaming the other and defending themselves. In their reactions to each other, they have slipped into a pattern that actually makes things worse rather than better. It is the common pattern of blaming linked with defensiveness. The real problem is not inside any one of them. It is in the interaction pattern between them.
What do we mean by an interaction pattern? It is a stable linking or “coupling” of habits of behaviour between two or more people that is mutually reinforcing. One habitual behaviour calls forth another habitual behaviour from the other person and vice versa. For instance, blaming invites defensiveness. The defensiveness in turns elicits more blaming in a circular pattern (see figure 1). The more her parents blame, the more Melinda defends herself. Round and round it goes! When Melinda blames them for checking up on her, they defend themselves by describing their worry. In other words, the participants may switch their positions but the pattern remains the same. The two types of behaviour get coupled and trigger each other to form a repetitive pattern. Like most habits, the patterns tend to be performed without awareness by those involved.
When we are in this pattern we usually don’t notice what we are doing. We only notice what annoys us, and that’s what other people are doing! We seldom see our own parts in the interaction, and we rarely notice the circular nature of the pattern itself. All of us are embedded in patterns of interaction, especially with the people closest to us.
Every relationship has particular sets of interaction patterns that recur. In families, most of these patterns are positive and have supportive or growth-promoting effects on the individuals involved. For instance, affection and respect are usually coupled with responsible and caring actions (see fig. 2). The more people are appreciated and respected, the more they are inclined to behave responsibly and vice versa.
Most of us have experienced these kinds of patterns. What makes the difference between one relationship and another is the amount of time we live with each other in helpful patterns as opposed to hurtful patterns.
Patterns that hurt may begin with positive intentions such as attempting to give corrective feedback. They become harmful when the behaviours have unwanted negative effects such as when the feedback is taken as criticism. In other words, the behaviour that results can be very different from what is intended. This occurs because the actual effect always depends, not on the intentions, but on how the behaviour gets interpreted by the receiving person.
Over time a problem pattern can become stronger than any one individual and more powerful than the whole family itself. It takes on a life of its own and “tricks” family members into continuing the pattern even when they don’t want to. For example, on the following day Melinda stayed in her room to avoid further confrontation with her parents. This fueled their continuing fears and they decided to take her in for a drug test. Once again she felt blamed. She responded by protesting. When she protested, her parents defended their action and she blamed them for not trusting her. Not only do we have more of the same old pattern, a related pattern of vigilance coupled with concealment is emerging. Much of what the parents do is interpreted by Melinda as yet another reason to withdraw and hide. Meanwhile, every withdrawal convinces her parents they need to monitor her even more closely (see fig. 3).
The problem patterns can become vicious and lead to desperate and tragic events like defiance, violence, running away and even suicide. These extreme reactions can occur when the behaviours in a pattern generate strong emotions. Thus, anger and fear (see fig. 4) can become coupled in an emotional conflict to fuel the behaviour pattern of blaming and defensiveness. These negative emotions make it even harder to escape patterns that hurt.
The good news is once you have noticed a problem pattern, you can start working your way out of it. When you realize you are re-enacting an unwanted pattern, you can consciously do something different. You can plan behaviours that, when enacted, make it impossible for the problem pattern to continue in the same way. As a guide for this, you could imagine a specific helpful pattern to replace the hurtful pattern.
One alternative for Melinda and her parents might be acknowledging the violations or mistakes coupled with agreeing extenuating circumstances occur (see fig. 5). Another could be apologizing coupled with forgiving (see fig. 6). Acknowledging a mistake or honestly apologizing is not being defensive. Likewise, honestly acknowledging extenuating circumstances or forgiving cannot be blaming. When you have a clear alternative pattern in mind, it is far easier to make an appropriate choice to act differently. For instance, if Rita and Jim had noticed they had slipped into blaming they could have stopped themselves and apologized for being so hasty to judge. They could have gone on to say they realized Melinda probably found herself in a situation with her friends that made it difficult for her to make it home on time.
Whether Melinda could join them in a new pattern or not would depend on how deeply she was trapped in the emotions of the problem pattern. She might very well continue in the old problem pattern for awhile and defend herself further or blame her parents some more. This would be a risky time for the parents. They are being invited back into the problem pattern. The parents would have to continue the new pattern until Melinda could respond to their invitations for the alternative behaviour to become fully established between them. Because of the parental position of greater power, it makes sense for them to take the initiative to interrupt old patterns and try out new.
However, young people can bring in fresh new ideas, and may need to take the lead at times. This is especially true when older people’s sense of responsibility carries with it some hard to shake ideas about “knowing best for their children.” Often a youthful spirit of “I’ll try a different behaviour whether you change or not and I’ll make a bet with myself that you won’t even notice for six months!” can avoid disappointment or open space for a delightful surprise. So if Melinda deliberately helped out more in the kitchen while her parents were still in the grip of the pattern, they might greet her efforts with skepticism or even sarcasm. This could drive her back into the problem pattern if she expected an immediate positive response. It may take a while for her parents to shake off the pattern enough to interpret her efforts as an attempt at reconciliation and cooperation.
Attitudes of “you need to change first” or “I’ll step out of the pattern if you do” seldom help. They set up a paralyzing pattern of “tit for tat.” Even world leaders get stuck in that one! Our suggestion is to take a constructive lead and hold your resolve to initiate a preferred pattern. When you notice the unwanted patterns trying to take over your relationship again, just chuckle, appreciate yourself for noticing, shake it off and move further towards what you prefer.
Problem patterns keep us in their rut by interfering with our ability to reflect and to notice. Often an outside view – from a trusted friend, elder or family therapist – can help show the patterns that undermine our well-being. So don’t hesitate to talk to outsiders but avoid recruiting them to your own limited view. What helps a lot is the attempt to understand the other person’s experience and point of view – not necessarily to agree but to become aware. Indeed, even attempts to stand with the other person and look past the behaviour to the intention, are big steps in disrupting problem patterns.
In this article we have described a few interaction patterns in a certain family situation. We do not mean to reduce the wonder, complexity and surprises of relationships to a series of patterns. Describing patterns is a simplifying device of writers and therapists. In fact, there are enormous pressures on families – historical and political factors such as sexism, ageism, racism, classism and heterosexual dominance. These factors can easily torment individuals and families and drive them into hurtful patterns of interaction. This focus on patterns is just an image we have found helpful in making space for the kind of respect, understanding and love that most family members value and enjoy.