Just like women’s, men’s mental health issues are heavily influenced by historical, economical, political, and cultural factors. Emotional suffering or psychological pain is often made worse by keeping the struggles in. This silence almost always creates disconnection in relationships and creates isolation. However, boys and men have often been socialized to figure problems out by themselves, or not ask for help. This puts boys and men more at risk for delaying seeking therapy when they need help. Another example of socialized conditioning that can make seeking therapy more difficult for men is the expectation that, “Boys/men don’t cry. Crying is weakness”. When boys and men present for counseling, these social messages they have received over their lifetime must be considered and addressed. Below are the most common reasons why men seek therapy, and the cultural messages men receive about these issues:
This is not a general assumption implying that all men are workaholic. However, in our society often men are socialized around the idea of being a provider and breadwinner. Even though more and more couples are adapting an egalitarian lifestyle in which both partners have paying jobs and are responsible for the income, there can still exist the underlying assumption that a male partner should make more money than female partner. In therapy, I see men pushing themselves to their limits to earn more money, often leading to burnout. Because men may take on the burden of being the breadwinner, they may feel exhausted from meeting financial responsibilities, feel alone in the pressure to be a provider, and often share that they missed out on spending time with family due to work responsibilities. Statements come with guilt, such as, “I wasn’t there when my daughter had a surgery because I was traveling for work”. Similarly, my female clients often tell me that, “I wish my husband would step back from work and spend more time with us. We barely see him”. It sounds like something needs to change, isn’t it? For this reason, therapy helps men and couples to achieve work & life balance by clarifying their expectations around shared responsibilities.
Another socialized conditioning is believing that “failure is not an option”. This belief often creates perfectionist and people-pleasing tendencies as many men struggle recognizing their own needs while they are more focused on their partner’s or children’s needs. The underlying assumption is that “men should be powerful” also creates power differentials in relationships. Therapy helps men to recognize power within and recognize and verbalize their unmet needs. Therapy with men also teaches men to celebrate and acknowledge their accomplishments, rather than minimizing the importance of them, and helps men to be gentler with themselves when they feel like they are running short or made a mistake.
Assertiveness and anger shouldn’t be confused with aggression. There are ways to express needs without being mean, rude, aggressive, or passive. Another socialized conditioning assumes that anger is a male trait. This assumption often prevents men to express their anger in healthier ways. Anger is a universal trait, and everyone is allowed to feel angry. It is often a secondary emotion as well. This means that there is usually another feeling behind anger such as frustration, guilt, or embarrassment. Keep in mind that, therapy for men don’t encourage engaging in abusive ways of expressing anger, including emotional and physical violence. Instead, helps men to express their anger without blaming or criticizing their partners, and allowing them to open up by identifying the underlying feelings behind their anger. Therapy helps men to learn and practice assertive communication style to express their needs better without engaging in aggressive or passive communication styles.
4. Depression & Isolation
In our society, it is believed that men like drinking, playing team sports or talking about sports, etc. Yes, there are many people from all genders enjoying these activities, however we cannot generalize that everyone is into them. It is completely okay and normal that some men don’t enjoy these activities. The socialized conditioning, “Men are into sports and drinking” is excluding many men when this assumption is not relatable for them. I have many male clients that they don’t follow any team sports, and drinking is not a part of their idea of fun. Some men don’t need a “man cave” to decompress after work, in fact the basement (or any other part of the house) is a mutual cave where both man and woman can use when they need their alone time by engaging in their relaxation activities. Some men are into physical exercises that don’t involve team sports, or they have many other interests such as cooking, photography, painting, and music. This social conditioning causes some men to feel excluded or isolated at work, especially when their male coworkers ask them “What do you think about the last night’s game?”. My male clients often tell me that they can’t relate to other men and feeling isolated in their family relationships when their male relatives are into sports, and they are not. Or when other male family members consume alcohol at family gatherings while they are probably feeling “awkward” when they are the only one who don’t like the taste of alcohol. It’s truly a shame that many men are being ridiculed or even bullied for not enjoying these, as they are often labeled as “not being man enough”.
For a man who doesn’t fit into this socialized conditioning, the solution is learning to be his unapologetic self and surrounding himself with a group of people who do enjoy similar interests with him. Keep in mind that, isolation may lead to depression, and depression may lead to isolation.
5. Sensitivity and Compassion
While anger is associated with male gender, social conditioning views personality traits like sensitivity and compassion through female gender. When a man is nurturing, caring, sensitive, and compassionate, he can be viewed as or feel like “not being man enough” or “being weak”. We all heard the most common social conditioning “Boys don’t cry”. Therapy with men helps men to identify the negative self-labels and prevents further pathologizing. Traits like sensitivity and compassion are strengths for all genders, rather than weaknesses. There is nothing weak or neurotic about being a compassionate and sensitive male. And the truth is, as a society we need more of these traits in all genders.
6. Sexual Dysfunction
The socialized conditioning, “failure is not an option”, also creates psychological barriers in sexual relationships for men. Outcome focused attitude during sexual intimacy, often causes performance anxiety where men mostly focus on their sexual performance and “pleasing their partner” while they are missing out on their own sexual experience and pleasure. In these occasions, a man’s mind gets distracted and difficulties around maintaining erection and/or achieving climax may show up. Anxiety levels increase and sexual frustration, embarrassment and “feeling not good/man enough” often manifest and create distance between partners. There is also this sexual myth that “Men think about having sex many times throughout the day”. Statements like, “Men think about sex once in every five seconds” aren’t based on scientific research. This myth hurts many men and leads them to set unrealistically high expectations for sexual desire and intimacy, and it creates more pressure for men and couples to have sex more often or more spontaneously. Research shows that many men -just like many women- don’t have spontaneous desire and they can’t be ready to always have sex. Just like women’s minds, men’s minds are also occupied with many thoughts, such as daily to-do lists. And just like women’s bodies, men’s bodies are also tired and need rest or recovery.
To work on identifying and eliminating these psychological barriers, when it comes to sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction, delayed or premature ejaculation; seeking sex therapy is highly recommended. If you and your partner are struggling with initiating or rejecting sex, or your sexual communication, couples therapy is highly recommended.
If not all, some of these social conditionings are impacting the current wellbeing in relationships, please seek therapy. Together, we can dismantle the gender stereotypes.