Behaviour modification is what we attempt with animals.
Reasons based on values and belief systems provide
children the deeper motivations to make just-right choices in life.
‣‣‣ Phil Day
Children need guidelines and boundaries. It is very confusing for children if they do not know what the rules or expectations are. Agreements about these need to be carefully worked out, explained and adhered to.
- Try to express guidelines as a series of do’s rather than a series of don’ts. Be positive rather than negative. Keep the list short!
- Work this out with all the adults in the child’s sphere so you are all on the same page.
- Discuss these guidelines with your children. What do these guidelines mean?
- Discuss the good consequences (rewards) for sticking to the guidelines.
- Go about ‘signing up’ each child to this agreement / vision quietly, gently, individually as well as together.
- Only establish the guideline if it is helpful and healthy for you all and only if you are prepared and capable of following it through.
Begin to develop deeper levels of motivations for keeping within the expected guidelines.
1st level: Consequences … good and bad
This is the 1st level of motivation where every action has a consequence. The process of warnings and then bad consequences come for not sticking to the guidelines. These need to be of the sort of bad consequences that will help them to stop and think next time: “What happened last time?”
2nd level: Immature Conscience
The next level of motivation to follow the guidelines comes from that little voice within the child … “Hmmm, remember what happened last time?” or “Hold on, what will ‘Mummy/Daddy’ say if I did this?”
3rd level: Vision & Values
This 3rd level of motivation comes from choosing on the basis of why we choose to do what we do. Gradually address such things as … What sort of family/group/team would we be if we did all this healthy, helpful stuff? Is this a picture of the sort of family/group/team we’d like to be? Why? What behaviours will need to change if we are to be this sort of family/group/team? What do we need to value together if this is going to work? Let’s come up with a picture for our family/group/team of what we’d love to see! I have a vision for you. I want to communicates how unique and special of you are!!
4th level: A deep sense of respect for self and others
This is the deepest level of motivation.
Relationships are important and breaking or damaging these is serious. It’s one of the most serious possible bad consequence of unacceptable behaviour. Expressing love and respect to one another means keeping healthy and helpful boundaries.