When I move freely about the house on my own two legs, you know that I have conquered
the developmental milestone of walking. When I say, "I do it; you don't do it
for me," I appear to have mastered pronouns. But my emotional development is
not as obvious as the development of motor or language skills. When I cling to Mommy
or throw a tantrum for Daddy, you may forget that these are signs of emotional development.
As my parent, you can facilitate my emotional development in five ways:
- Understanding the sequence of emotional development.
- Supporting me through separation anxiety.
- Handling my tantrums consistently.
- Helping me gain control over my fears.
- Fostering my development of a positive self-esteem.
Understanding My Emotional Development
As my parent, it is very important and helpful to fully understand the order in
which I develop emotionally. This will help you understand why I behave the way I
One-Year-Olds [ Top]
Most one-year-olds continue to experience anxiety when they are separated from
a parent. Separation anxiety usually emerges around nine months of age and generally
peaks between twelve and twenty-four months. Separation anxiety is usually expressed
in two ways. The first is when you leave me with another person. I cry when you leave
because I fear that you will be gone forever. I may burst into tears when you return.
I cry because your return reminds me how I felt when you left, and now that you are
back, I'm afraid that you may leave again. Separation anxiety is also expressed when
you are home but are not right beside me. Even though you may be in the same room,
I may become anxious and cry because you aren't close enough to me. This may occur
even though I was the one who crawled or walked to a different part of the room.
Between one and two years of age, I begin to develop and exert my independence. At
this age, I like to make decisions for myself. However, I may become frustrated when
I am presented with too many choices. As a younger one-year-old (twelve to eighteen
months) I may say "no" when I mean "yes" simply because I learn
to say no before yes. Later, as an older one-year-old (eighteen to twenty-four months)
I may say "no" when I mean "yes" out of habit or because it's
my only way of exerting independence. I should also begin to direct my own behavior
by saying no to myself in dangerous situations. I may also use "no" to
stop others from doing something and to resist you. I do this in an attempt to gain
some control and to exert independence. As a one-year-old, I want to do things for
myself, but I become frustrated easily when I can't.
Temper tantrums frequently result when I get frustrated. I become frustrated when
I don't get my way. I can be demanding, and want things right away. I have no concept
of "later," and I am often concerned only about myself. Therefore, I have
great difficulty understanding when I need to wait. I also lose patience when I can't
make something work the way I think it should work. I am more likely to become frustrated
when I am hungry or tired. As a result, I am more likely to throw a temper tantrum
when I miss a snack, don't take a nap, or go to bed late. Temper tantrums may consist
of screaming, kicking, punching, and crying. Although these tantrums may be frightening
to see and difficult to cope with, they are normal.
I enjoy being the center of attention and I am very affectionate. I am developing
my own self-esteem, and am learning to identify and express emotions such as jealousy,
fear, anger, sympathy, joy, and empathy. For example, I can empathize with another
child who falls and cries by getting you to help the child.
Rituals become important at this age. I like rituals and need them, because I am
changing and growing rapidly. The rituals keep certain aspects of my life reliable
Two-Year-Olds [ Top]
Separation anxiety usually decreases between two and three years of age. At this
stage, I generally separate easily from you when I am left with a familiar person.
However, I still tend to be shy with strangers. Even though I am more willing to
separate from you, I sometimes have difficulty with it. One day I may not want to
hold your hand while we go for a walk, and I may even run ahead. But the next day
I may cling to you and insist you carry me. If you tell me I have to walk and refuse
to carry me, I may sadly burst into tears or angrily throw a temper tantrum. On the
other hand, I am more likely to cooperate if you give me a hug, explain that I am
getting too heavy to carry, and promise to hold me while we sit in the rocking chair
after we get home. You can further ease the situation by offering me the choice of
holding either your left or right hand while we walk. When I am provided with such
an option, I may make a choice gladly, with a feeling that I have some control over
Most two-year-olds go through a period when they relate better to one parent at a
time. During this phase, I may want only Mommy or only Daddy to help me. This may
be difficult for you. If I want Mommy only, Mommy grows exhausted from trying to
meet all my needs while Daddy feels left out and unloved. At the same time, I am
often very possessive of my mommy, daddy, and siblings. For example, I may tell another
child, "You can't talk to him; he is my daddy."
I want to be independent, but am still somewhat dependent. I try to do a lot for
myself but still need help. Often, I resist help just so I can try something until
I finally get it or give up and ask for help. I experience extreme emotional shifts
while I try to do things for myself. For example, after putting on my coat by myself,
I clap excitedly and say proudly, "I did it!" A minute later, I collapse
onto the floor, sobbing because I can't zip it. But as you start to help me, I kick
my feet and scream, "I wanna do it!"
I have difficulty with transitions, such as getting dressed, ending play, and going
to bed. I may be demanding, sometimes talking with a rough voice. I may be physically
aggressive; pushing, hitting, and kicking to get my way. Frustration tantrums peak
between two and three years of age, and many two-year-olds develop fears. The most
common fears of young children are large animals, loud noises, and the dark. I don't
really know why I am afraid. All I know is that I want to avoid these things. I strive
to control my fears, sometimes acting them out as I play. As I approach three years
of age, I may be afraid of getting lost, of sleeping alone, and of monsters.
Three-Year-Olds [ Top]
I continue to separate easily from you as long as I am familiar with the person
and the place. I may not even remember to wave or kiss you good-bye unless someone
reminds me. I continue to feel proud of my achievements and I enjoy praise. I call
your attention to my accomplishments saying, for example, "See, I combed my
hair. I look good now."
As a three-year-old I can identify when I or another person feels happy, sad,
angry, tired, or hungry. When talking about my feelings, I may explain why I feel
that way and say what ought to be done. For example, I may say, "That makes
me sad. You shouldn't go out of the room when I talk to you. That is not polite.
Next time you wait till I stop talking before you leave." When I see a hurt,
sad, or angry child, I will try to comfort the child in addition to labeling how
the child feels. For example, "Don't cry. It's okay you spilled milk 'cause
it was an accident. Don't be sad; you can have more milk."
Between three and four years of age, children try to please their parents. If it
will make you happy, I will do it, and if it makes you unhappy, I will try hard not
to do it. During this period, I try to follow rules and requests, and the negativism
when I was two-years old is gone. Instead of saying "no" and running away
every time you try to dress me, I cooperate. Ritualism also decreases, and I can
handle changes in routine.
Supporting Me Through
Separation Anxiety [ Top]
You need to provide me with separate experiences so that I learn to trust other
adults and begin to establish bonds with other people. Separate experiences offer
me new environments and learning situations. These experiences also give you time
to work, run errands, or simply relax. Before leaving me with a new person, try to
make arrangements for the three of us to play together for a brief period of time.
Use the time to familiarize me with my new caregiver. By playing together, you can
show me that you like this new person and that it is safe and fun to be with her.
Next, leave me with the caregiver for a short period of time. If possible, before
you leave me with the new caregiver for an entire day, arrange for me to stay with
her for an hour or two while you run a few errands. Whenever you leave me with a
caregiver, leave me with a loving person who will give me the calm and proper care
I need, both as and after you leave.
When you leave me with another person, be sure to always say "good-bye."
As tempted as you may be, don't sneak off thinking that will make the separation
easier. Although I will probably cry when you say good-bye, I should stop crying
soon after you leave. If you don't say good-bye, you risk the chance of making me
always anxious and on guard; constantly afraid you will leave. When you tell me good-bye,
let me know where you are going and when you expect to return. If you tell me you
are going to work, I can picture you at work. This image will be more realistic if
I have seen where you work or if you have discussed your work place with me. Although
I can't tell time, knowing when you will return gives me an idea of when I should
expect you back.
Be cheerful and confident when you tell me good-bye, and try not to linger. It is
the act of separating from you that is hard for me, not the actual separation after
you are gone. I usually stop crying shortly after you leave. It is best to say good-bye
and leave promptly after getting me situated with my caregiver.
Many children have "cuddlies." A cuddly is an object such as a blanket
or stuffed animal that a child sucks on or holds to feel safe and secure. If I have
a favorite blanket or a special "friend", make sure that I have my cuddly
when you leave me with a caregiver. If I don't have a cuddly, offer me a familiar
object from home to cuddle.
Handling Tantrums [ Top]
There are numerous reasons children between the ages of one and four have tantrums.
I may have a tantrum if I can't do something by myself or if you say "no".
If you give me what I want after I throw a tantrum, I am more likely to throw another
tantrum in the future because this teaches me that tantrums get me what I want. As
long as the tantrum is not harmful or destructive, it is best to ignore it. Remember
that if you gave in to tantrums in the past and you are now trying to ignore them,
the tantrums may get worse before they get better.
There may be times when you do not want to allow a tantrum to continue where it is
occurring. If we are at home and have company, or if we are a guest in someone else's
home, you can change the location of my temper tantrum. For example, if others are
around and I have a loud tantrum in the middle of the living room, give me a warning,
and then take me to another room or hallway. Place me in a safe spot and ignore the
tantrum. A safe spot is a place where there are no objects with which I could hurt
myself or that I could break.
As mentioned previously, there are two types of tantrums you should not ignore;
those that involve my hurting myself or another person, or destroying property. If
I kick another child or tear pages in a book during a tantrum, give me a time-out.
Time-out involves placing me in a safe and nonstimulating place, such as a corner,
for a specified amount of time. The general rule is one minute of time-out for each
year of my age. So if I am two-years-old, my time-out is for two minutes. In addition
to the passage of time, I must exhibit appropriate behavior before I can leave a
time-out. Don't allow me to leave a time-out when I am screaming or kicking, because
I may think that the screaming or kicking behavior was the reason you let me leave.
The time-out technique is an effective means of controlling tantrums and other inappropriate
behaviors. The section entitled Guiding My Behavior describes
the time-out technique in detail.
Also, do not ignore me if I am hurting myself during a tantrum or while in time-out.
If I bang my head, tell me firmly and calmly to stop banging my head. When children
are told to stop hurting themselves, most continue screaming but stop the harmful
behavior. If I don't stop, place a pillow or your hand between my head and the surface
I am banging on. Even while preventing me from hurting myself, continue to ignore
the rest of the tantrum. The more attention the tantrum receives, the more likely
I am to have another one. Always use your best judgment and never let me hurt myself.
If I continue to have harmful tantrums that are difficult for you to control, talk
with my doctor--I may need special help to learn not to hurt myself.
There may be a point in a tantrum when I lose control and you sense that I can't
regain control on my own. At that point, go to me and comfort me. Try hugging me
firmly and rocking me gently from side to side. Continue holding and rocking me until
the tantrum subsides.
After the Tantrum
As soon as the tantrum stops or the time-out ends, praise my good behavior verbally.
Then briefly talk about how I felt and why the tantrum occurred. When I am one- and
two-years-old, you will need to do most of the talking. When I am three-years-old,
you can ask me to tell you what happened; adding the details. If I receive a time-out
because of harmful or destructive behavior during a tantrum, also mention why I got
the time-out. After our brief talk, resume your activity--finish shopping, rejoin
a party, eat dinner, or continue playing.
There are three strategies you can use to minimize the number of tantrums that
I have. First, set appropriate limits for me and manage my behavior consistently.
Guiding My Behavior discusses limit setting and behavior
management techniques in detail. Second, try to determine if there is a pattern to
my tantrums, and break it. For example, if I have tantrums only in the late morning
when I don't get a mid-morning snack, make sure I always get the snack. Third, provide
appropriate opportunities for me to release my frustrations. As you decide on my
outlet, consider how I act during a tantrum. Do I kick? scream? Provide me with a
similar outlet. If I kick when I am angry, give me a special pillow that I can kick
or stomp on when I am angry. Try to catch me before I start a tantrum, and redirect
me at that point. If you don't sense my frustration before the tantrum occurs, suggest
at the beginning of the tantrum that I go to my outlet. Praise me for doing that
if I do it. If I don't ignore the tantrum, during our talk after my tantrum has passed,
remind me that I should have gone to my outlet instead.
Helping Me Gain
Control Over My Fears [ Top]
Most children develop fears at some point in their young life. They are most frequently
afraid of large animals, loud noises, and the dark. As they grow older, many children
fear getting lost, sleeping alone, and confronting monsters. When I am afraid, I
need to know that you are not afraid, that you accept my fear, and that you will
help me gain some control over my fear.
For example, if I am afraid of a big bad wolf, searching my bedroom to prove a wolf
isn't hiding in the room often does little or no good. When I am afraid, I need a
way to gain control of my fear. One way is for you to show me that I can make the
object of my fear go away and stay away. If I am afraid of a big bad wolf, try saying,
"Let's find the big bad wolf and tell him that he has to go back to the woods.
When we find the big bad wolf, we will walk him to the front door, open the door
and make him leave. Then we will lock the front door so he can't come back in."
The technique of walking the large animal or monster to the door and making him leave
is almost always effective. You can use any other technique as long as it shows me
that you are not afraid, that you accept my fear, and that you will help me achieve
some control over the fear.
If my fears are extreme, try to desensitize me gently to the object of my fear. Perhaps
I cry and hide behind you every time I see a cat. Take the source of the fear, which
in this case is cats, and slowly introduce it again in a non-threatening way. In
the beginning, show me pictures of cute cats in a book. Once I am comfortable looking
at pictures of cats, try playing with a toy cat. Next, take me to the pet store to
see a cat or arrange to be outside when a friend is walking a small cat on a leash.
Finally, when I am ready, gently encourage me to pet a small, friendly cat. Throughout
these new experiences with cats, point out good things about cats.
Although most young children develop fears, there are a few things that you can
do to help minimize the number of fears I have. Before we watch a television show
or movie, find out what it is about and whether it contains any scary or violent
scenes. Remember to determine what is scary and violent from my perspective. Avoid
exposing me to inappropriate material. If I see or experience something that is frightening,
explain the situation to me, along with any positive outcomes that may apply. After
the experience, point out any similar, positive occurrences that you have encountered.
Sometimes you can make a potential fear less intense if you prepare me beforehand.
For example, during a bad thunderstorm, hold me on your lap and speak in ways that
will decrease the scariness of the situation. Mention that because it is raining
hard, I might hear some loud thunder. Tell me that thunder sounds like drums. We
could sing a song, like: "Thunder, thunder go away; Come again another day;
Little Tommy wants to sleep; Thunder, thunder go away." Often I will repeat
the assuring chant instead of becoming afraid. This type of activity permits me to
say or do something that decreases my fear.
Fostering a Positive Self-Esteem [
To develop a positive self-esteem, I need to feel good about myself. I need to
feel I am competent, lovable, and worthwhile. When you ask me to do something beyond
my abilities, I may feel badly if I can't do it. By understanding at what ages children
learn which skills, you can set appropriate expectations. When you think something
might be hard for me, use the word "try". When you ask me to do something,
give me the time I need to do it as independently as possible; letting me work at
my own pace. This means planning ahead and perhaps allowing an extra ten minutes
for everything. This will create a more positive and relaxed atmosphere. Remember
to also praise my attempts as well as my successes.
Although I am growing up and becoming more independent, I still need time for lots
of cuddling. While cuddling me at bedtime, talk with me about my day. Describe two
"special" things I did. As I get older, encourage me to describe the good
parts of my day. While cuddling me in the morning, talk with me about the things
I can look forward to during the day. Throughout the day, talk with me in a positive
and loving manner. Since gestures and the tone of your voice send messages, how you
say something is as important as what you say.
Spend one-on-one time playing and talking with me every day. It is best if this
time is consistent from day to day. It should be a time I can count on and a time
when there are no interruptions. The quality of time is as important, if not more
important, than the quantity of time. A short, loving, and positive period of time
each day is much better than a longer period that has negative comments, anger, and
frustration. Play with me as long as it is enjoyable for both of us. Then take a
break or change the play so it is enjoyable again.
Empathize with me when I am sad, when I misbehave, or when I am angry. Then discuss
the behavior. If I am crying because I can't have candy before dinner, say something
like, "You feel sad that you have to wait until after dinner to eat the candy.
If you're really hungry, you may start eating your carrots while I finish making
dinner. Let's put the candy on the counter so we don't forget to eat it after dinner."
By making such a statement, you acknowledge and empathize with my feelings, make
accommodations for me in case I really am hungry, and let me know when I may have
the candy. If this doesn't work, redirect my attention to something else.
When I misbehave, remember the misbehavior is what is "bad," not me. When
I misbehave, tell me what I need to do differently and tell me why. By telling me
why I may not do something, you provide me with a rationale that I can use later
to direct my own behavior. Similarly, when I behave well, praise the specific behavior
and let me know why the behavior is desirable. Always be a good role model for me--praise
yourself when you deserve it.