Take a close look at these two women. At first glance their forward posture and gestures might lead you to interpret that they are having an important conversation. Yet at closer examination you can notice that they are each plugged into a cellphone. They ARE having an important conversation, but it's with someone else. They are so engaged that they're not even noticing the person less than two feet away.
Anyone with a teenager will be all too familiar (and often frustrated by) this phenomenon. We've gone to the extent that iPods and cell phones are off-limits in certain situations - like the dinner table, for instance. Or if everyone's hanging out in the same area of the house we make a request that one ear stay unplugged so parents can get the music lover's attention without using a bullhorn.
Even during a trip through the store recently I saw a friend and said hello, but then immediately realized that she was intent on something being said to her through her earpiece. She didn't even know somebody was right beside her, she was concentrating so hard on the call.
How often are you plugged into something else? It doesn't even have to be an electronic device like your phone or the TV to distract you. You might be mentally plugged into things like:
- The day you just had at work
- Something somebody said to you that bothered you in some way
- Making a list of chores (or groceries)
- Rehearsing what you're going to say next
- Money worries
- Bad news that you're choosing the right time to tell
- Good news that you're choosing the right time to tell
- Somebody other than the person who's talking to you
- How hot or cold you are right now, or whether the chair is comfortable
If you're plugged into something else you're contributing to the noise that prevents valid communication (that's two-way) from happening. And you're sending your own message, because the other person or persons are interpreting your distraction:
- "They must not think I'm important"
- "They must not value what I have to say"
- "They aren't paying attention, so they are a good target"
- "They don't want to be here"
The solution to this is one of the simple but hard things: unplug. Give yourself non-Blackberry time or create no-media zones. Make a list if chores or groceries or the information you need to tell are distracting you. Make eye contact with the person who's talking to you. Keep your mind quiet and pay attention to what they're saying. Apply your energy to the process of understanding what is being communicated, and to feeding back to them.
If you're not the one who's plugged in, you have a number of options:
- Notice whether they're wearing a headset. This might sound obvious, but I've seen many a conversation go on for way too long before the sender realizes that the listener is engaged with something else.
- Work with the other person to create ground rules (like "no Internet after 9 p.m.")
- Wait for a better time for them, especially if it's really important that they hear and understand your message. You might even want to set an appointment or a date.
- Ask them to unplug for this interaction. If they're really involved they might not even realize that you're trying to converse with them.
If you make a point to do these things consistently you should see an uptick in the quality of your conversations and an overall improvement in your relationships.