I recently read a short story that began: I looked out my apartment window through the Venetian blinds down at a street full of shadows.
Do you see what’s wrong with this sentence?
It’s a common mistake that many rookie writers make: it’s written out of order. You don’t look out a window, through blinds, down at a street. You look through blinds, out a window, down at a street.
If you want the reader to visualize an action–or series of actions–you should present the scene in order. It helps immerse your readers in the story.
A variation of this error is describing an object before you place it in a scene.
Example: Four umbrellas, all blue, stood at attention in the umbrella stand just inside the door.
In this (wrong) way of writing, the object exists in outer space until you anchor it in the scene. A better way to structure this would be:
Just inside the door an umbrella stand held four blue umbrellas, standing at attention.
You should also consider the scene’s point of view character in determining the order of action.
John leaped back when he saw the bomb had only fifteen seconds left on the timer.
If you are in John’s POV, this sentence is out of order. John saw the timer, on the bomb, then leaped back.
Now, if you’re in another character’s POV, then it is correct, as he or she would probably see John jump before they realized why (the timer on the bomb).
And please, at all costs avoid the “Little did she know” trap: Lilah made her way down the cold, dank street. Little did she know the perp was waiting for her around the corner with a knife in his hand.
Assuming this is in Lilah’s POV, if she doesn’t know the man is there, he cannot appear in the narrative until she encounters him. This sentence also describes the character (Lilah) before the scene is set (rainy street).
A better way of structuring this would be:
- Scene Set: The street/weather
- Action: Lilah is going from one place to another
- Action: The man surprises her
When Lilah left the library, the weather had turned. Sheets of rain hit the grey asphalt as she navigated her way on foot to Daisy’s Diner. It was only three blocks away, so she decided to make a dash for it. As she turned the corner at Main, Lilah barreled right into a man with a briefcase in one hand and a knife in the other.
Do you see the difference? The paragraph, above, takes the reader along with Lilah through her point of view in order down the rainy street and into the encounter with the man. We don’t encounter the man until she does. She doesn’t encounter the man until we do. We are along on her journey in tandem.
Questions about writing in order? Write me! Author[@]JenniferMoss.com