S. T. E. P. SYSTEMATIC TRAINING FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING
Effective Parenting Requires Patience.
Take one Step at a time
Topics Understanding Children’s Behavior Understanding More about Your Child and Your self as a parent Communication Discipline and Consequences Family time Stress and conflict management Anger control tools Co-Parenting Managing blended-family dynamics Life-long Influences of Fathering on Female Psychosocial Development Avoiding common parenting mistakes
Understanding Behavior Several popular ways to explain children’s behavior 1. Behavior is primarily the result of heredity “She’s just like her dad” “She has her mother’s personality” 2. Behavior depends on environmental influences “If he didn’t hang around his dad’s family he wouldn’t act like that” 3. Behavior simply occurs in stages- is predictable around certain ages.
Taking the S. T. E. P.Approach
Look For The Goal Observe you own reaction to the children’s misbehavior. Your feelings point to the child’s goal. Observe the child’s response to your attempts at correction. The child’s response to your behavior will also let you know what The child is after… “Train yourself to look at the results of the misbehavior rather than simply Seeing the behavior itself”.
Four Goals of Misbehavior Attention Power Revenge Display of Inadequacy
ATTENTION The desire for attention is universal In young children.
POWER Power seeking children feel they are significant only when they are BOSS. “No one can force me to do anything” “I know already”
RULES Refrain from getting angry Disengage from the power struggle
REVENGE Children who pursue revenge are convinced that they are not lovable That they are significant only when they are able to hurt/control others as they believe they have been Hurt/controlled They find a place by being cruel an disliked
Child’s revengeful behavior stems from discouragement RULES Do not retaliate . Remain calm
DISPLAY OF INADEQUACY Children who display inadequacy, or disability, are extremely discouraged. “ cant do it”….”I don’t know how” They attempt to keep others from expecting anything from them since they have given up hope of succeeding
RULES Eliminate all criticism Focus instead on the child’s assets, strengths Encourage any effort to improve no matter how small it seems
Understanding Behavior Points to Remember
Effective parenting requires patience. Take one step at a time
Liberate yourself through a democratic relationship with your child.
doing so will make all members of the family more responsible and more capable.
Democratic procedures permit choice
All behavior has a social purpose. The goal of misbehavior are:
Attention-Power-Revenge-or Display of Inadequacy.
Your response feelings about a child’s misbehavior point to the purpose of his/her goal
Understanding Behavior Points to Remember
Change the child's behavior by changing yours.
Do what she or he does not expects
Show appreciation for positive behaviors, unless they are meant only to gain attention
Withdraw from power struggles and Do not retaliate with the revengeful child
Focus on the child’s assets and strengths rather than finding fault
A child who seeks power often has a parent who likes to boss others
A child who displays inadequacy is not unable; rather lack belief in his/her ability
Understanding your child and yourself as a parent People are social beings- main goal is to belong Children who misbehave are often discouraged Do not believe they can belong in useful ways Their misbehavior is for the purpose of Attention-Power-Revenge or Display of Inadequacy
EmotionLifestyleThe “Good” Parent
Emotions Necessary aspect of our makeup Where do emotions come from? Why do we feel happy, angry or annoyed? Why are some parents better at handling emotions then others?
We feel as we believe. Friendly and trustworthy = positive feelings and closeness Unfriendly and untrustworthy = create hostile feelings to keep them away
Parents often become annoyed and angry with children because the child will not do what the parent wants These hostile feeling serve the purpose of Controlling the child
Children can use emotions to manipulate parents/others.
NOT! They are often far from weak-very powerful
Use their feelings to force other to treat them as special
Once parents recognize this they are in a position to influence their children.
Get out of the vicious cycle by refraining from reacting
Becoming responsible for ones one emotions is a necessary
Part of growth and sets a good example for the children
Lifestyle We develop beliefs about
Who we are
Who and What others are
And what is important
We form our most BASIC beliefs when we are young Beliefs characterize or describe our lifestyle
4 Major Factors Influence lifestyle
Family atmosphere and values
Methods of training
Good Parents are the Worst One of the greatest handicaps a child can suffer is being raised by a good parent. Good parents are so involved with their children that they believe they must do everything for the children. Become servants to their children Parents must allow our children to make some decisions and experience the Consequences , positive or negative. ( Dangerous situations excluded)
The goals is to teach your child the value of mutual respect through modeling it Parents deny their children opportunities to learn this concept when they Control Dominate Overprotect Pity.
Communication, time together and mutual respect are the biggest and strongest links in cementing the family foundation. Parents have the power within them to turn the biggest relationship challenges into successful bonding experiences.
COMMUNICATION “Do you talk with your child?” “Sure I talk to my child.”
Which role do you play Commander in Chief The Moralist The Know it all The Judge The Critic The Psychologist The Consoler
Effective Listeners Use Reflective Listening Communication begins by listening and indicating you hear the child’s feelings and meanings Establish eye contact and posture which indicates you are listening Avoid nagging criticizing threatening, lecturing, probing an ridiculing Treat the child the way you want to be treated Accept the child's feelings Use reflective listening Give open responses that state what the other person feels and means Let the child learn resist the impulse to impose your solutions
Example Child: That teacher is unfair! I’ll never do well in that stupid class Parent: You’re feeling angry and disappointed and you’ve given up.
Example Child: I’m really disappointed with Billy and the other kids for not coming over to play with me. There's nothing to do Parent closed response: Well, thing don’t always go the way you want them to. Tha’ts life Parent open response: If seems like they don’t care about you, and you're feeing kinda left out huh?
Parents comments Why say the child’s words back to his/her I don’t like to have to stop and think before I give a response I feel silly saying things like that