Most images have been removed to prevent peeling and irritation.
Mar. 26, 1997, Submitted by Maxlap Click On Headline to view in full screen(VADUZ, Liechtenstein) In an all too familiar scene in Europe, rebels marched towards the capitol of this small Central European kingdom wedged between Austria and Switzerland today. Yet another village fell and Western diplomats predicted an orgy of killing, looting and stamp destruction.
The rebel offensive began yesterday around tea time as troops loyal to rebel leader Jurgen Van Postleitzahl launched a violent offensive against the government of King Hans-Adam II, taking the eastern third of the country before breakfast. The rebels have taken over Oskar and Heide Mullbrueke's bed and breakfast and are reported to be within two miles of the capitol, Vaduz. They are expected to enter the city by dinnertime.
Vaduz was in panic as fears of looting and stamp burning by undisciplined and intoxicated Swiss Guards caused residents to flee the city in Mercedes and Volvos piled high with clocks and gold pieces that, residents insisted, were not taken from Jewish families during World War II. Banks specializing in secret accounts closed early, forcing drug dealers and launderers of Nazi-plundered gold worldwide into financial chaos.
Mr. Van Postleitzahl is a philatelist and former stamp designer with the Swiss Postal Service, Liechtenstein Division. The sale of collector's stamps is (along with secret bank accounts) Liechtenstein's main source of revenue. Mr. Van Postleitzahl began his rebel offensive after the government rejected his latest design for a postal stamp.
Named "Der Wunderschoene David" (The Wonderful David), the stamp depicted U.S. television star and German rock singer David Hasselhoff as Friedrich Nietzsche's ideal of the Superman. In a letter received yesterday, the King described Mr. Van Postleitzahl's design as "at best silly, at worst basely homoerotic and not at all worthy of the exciting and respected field of philately."
The King fled to the South of France for hemorrhoids treatment, while his government fell apart. Several interim leaders tried in vain to negotiate a peaceful settlement with Mr. Van Postleitzahl. A delegation was sent out to the city's edge and shouted to rebel troops over the hill, but talks broke down soon thereafter when the King's Palace announced that lunch would be a particularly fine cut of sauerbraten.
Residents pleaded for the United States and the European Community to intervene. U.S. Marines announced an evacuation of U.S. diplomatic personnel from Vaduz and cautioned against Americans staying behind once the city fell. "It will be a bloodbath," said one official on condition of anonymity. "When will the world wake up and listen to what is happening here?"
Asked today what the U.S. response would be, President Clinton responded thoughtfully, "Where?"
White House Spokesperson Mike McCurry told reporters,
"Now, damn it, they didn't contribute one dime, and you know it!" When
told that reporters were not asking about campaign contributions, just
the U.S.'s response to the troubles in Liechtenstein, Mr. McCurry added,
"Oh, yeah, uh, of course, well, you know, the President is, of course,
concerned, and just as soon as he finds out where Luxembourg is he'll uh,
you know, well I can tell you it will not be like Bosnia."
Mar. 26, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood Click On Headline to view in full screen(New York, NY) Subbrilliant News, Inc. shocked the infotainment industry today by accepting a lucrative bid by media powerhouse ABC/CAP Cities. Terms of the agreement were not disclosed, but SBN Chairman and CEO Acedtect told reporters, "It'll buy a helluva lot of beer!!"
The announcement accompanied a press release that the staff of SBN would be downsized for efficiency. Wall Street responded favorably, with stock prices rising one-quarter of a point.
Fueling speculation that the merger had been in the works for decades, SBN "personalities" appeared at a press conference to announce that SBN's staff would appear regularly in the ABC television lineup.
"We believe these clean-cut young men will play in Peoria," said an ABC spokesman. "At least in some neighborhoods of Peoria."
In the coming month Editor-In Chief Acedtect will appear on "Nightline" to discuss the economic impact of patent law reform. Rusputin will open up on the next "Barbara Walter's Special," tearfully recounting his childhood on the mean streets of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Maxlap will become a regular on "Relativity," playing an environmental activist who causes the twenty-something characters to re-think their materialist lifestyle. Conorlin will join Al, Dan, and Keith on the Monday Night Football broadcast crew. In the bombshell announcement, ABC officials announced that Gutwood would become Ellen Degeneres' lesbian lover on the hit sitcom "Ellen".
"This thing's been in the works for decades," reported a source close to the negotiations. "How else would they have such specific plans for the SBN guys? The deal would have been done in time for the SBN staff to all go to Fantasy Island if it weren't for Acedtect's eccentricities. Negotiations stalled for a year over the shape of the negotiating table. He wanted a triangle, and not just any triangle, but an isosceles -- something about how the Czech's got screwed at Versailles. And then we had to fly our donuts in from some piss-ant bakery in Southern Illinois just because they had rhubarb-filled long johns."
Critics of the deal fear that SBN, once America's most powerful and prestigious independent media outfit, would lose the very independence that once made SBN synonymous with the word "independent". Glen Gladdikian, author of many books and articles critical of the centralization of media resources, commented: "At this point I feel I can say, without hyperbole, that independent journalism is dead. Forever. Period. End of story."
Mar. 26, 1997 Submitted by Bavhraghita Semionopololes Click On Headline to view in full screen(PARIS) Ever uneasy about the invasion of their country by foreign influence, France was shocked to hear that the board of directors of the Opéra Bastille was to be replaced by a group of American businessmen, more capable of achieving the high ticket sales needed to ensure the survival of the principal French opera house. The new owners have since unveiled a radical plan which they believe will bring audiences flocking back to classical music.
We all knew Disleyland Paris wasn't the greatest of successes when it opened a few years back. Now, it appears the struggling theme park is to team up with the similarly troubled opera house in an attempt to recover financial losses. How exactly this merger will come into being is not yet clear, but negotiations are well under way. The current plan is for Disleyland Paris to be dismantled and then rebuilt throughout the opera house - "not just in the auditorium," a spokesman said. "If the audience wants to reach their seats by roller-coaster, hell, we'll make sure they can."
The plan has met with hostility from many quarters, including the French President, who has demanded that the negotiations be stopped immediately. His opinion is supported by the Ministry of Culture, which has pointed out that the opera house is built on the site of the Bastille prison, the storming of which marked the beginning of the French Revolution. "We cannot possibly tolerate Mickey Mouse invading the Bastille, symbol of our national heritage," a spokesman said. "Mon Dieu, it is a scandale."
In spite of this, many world-famous singers have pledged their support for the plan. Luciano Pavarotti was just one to express his approval: "Me, I love-a the idea," he said. "I have-a always-a wanted-a to sing-a from-a the toppa of a water-chute-a."
Under these conditions, it will be possible for Madonna to make her long-awaited operatic debut (as Mimi in La Boheme). Michael Jackson is believed to be planning a concert in the revamped opera house.
The management has announced that they are looking for "fearless, uncompromising directors" to lead the adaptation of many opera and ballet plots so that they may suit the new surroundings: thus 'The Flying Dutchman' will be relocated in and around a ghost train, while the lake in 'Swan Lake' now becomes a shooting gallery.
Mar. 26, 1997 Submitted by Acedtect(Click On Headline to view in full screen)(TOKYO) UltraMegacorp International announced a hostile takeover bid of the United States government today. UMC describes itself as a "multi-national asset holder with interests in many areas." They hope to reorganize the government and turn a profit by the year 2000.
"UMC is of course very interested in the military division of US," said UMC spokesperson Brends Ronaldo "We have a small division of protective services in our company now but we would like to use US resources and superior training. We intend to downsize the government from 3 branches to one executive council and spin off the less productive departments like Education and Commerce. We see this as a 'win-win' situation for both US and UMC."
When asked about the fate of the President and Congress, Ms. Ronaldo replied, "Of course we'll want to consolidate management and bring in a lot of our own people. From what I can tell US could use a good dose of TQM (Total Quality Management). Most of the lower staff will retain positions outside of those being downsized. Other than that I really can't tell you. I'm just hired through a press agency. I don't really know much of anything."
Mar. 26, 1997, Submitted by RusputinClick On Headline to view in full screen(DETROIT) Tyrone Powell, maker and distributer of POW! And ZAP! Brands of Crack Cocaine, has broken from the pack and admitted that Crack Cocaine is addictive and that Crack Dealers have known it for years.
"Well, you know," said Powell. "You see, that's the whole thing, you know. You see, we get 'em hooked on the first one, right. 'Cause that one's free, see? Then, when we got 'em, right, after that first one, see then we got 'em. That's when we start charging. You get it?"
Powell has hinted that he may release, to the press, taped conversations with his fellow pushers in which they acknowledge that Crack is not only addictive, but also possibly harmful. This unprecedented move would shatter the longstanding agreement among Crack dealers not to speak to the press. It would also settle a controversy that has raged for decades.
"Yeah there's pressure, man," stated Powell. "But I figure, see, I figure I just gotta do what's right, dig? See, I dug deep down in my conscience, and I see that what I do, you know, it hurts people. I'm a bad man. And I gotta fix that."
While Powell is a small businessman, he feels that his step forward will force the major dealers to follow. Many of his colleagues, however, disagree.
"Man, he don't know what the hell he's talking about!" said Vice-Chairman of Michigan Spirit Crack Inc., "Slim" Jim Jeffrey. "Man, Crack is an all-natural product of the Earth. We don't add nothing, or take nothing out. This is the Crack Cocaine that God intended us to have, and we bring it to the people. That's what we do. Ain't nothing wrong there. Get outta my face." Industry analysts believe that this announcement will not hurt Crack sales in the long run, but will make most Americans think twice before picking up their pipe.
Academy Praises Exotic Accents, Universal Theme
March 28, 1997, Submitted by Gutwood(LOS ANGELES, with additional material from SBN TEXARKANA, Texas Bureau) Oscar may be as American as the Trans Am and Coors, but a French adaption of the American film classic "Smokey and the Bandit" swept Monday's Oscar ceremonies, winning best actor, supporting actor, supporting actress, best hound dog, and best song for the Paris Symphony Orchestra's rendition of Jerry Reed's "Bandit Theme (We Gonna Do What They Say Can't Be Done)"
Director Guy St. Juneau, in his acceptance speech, thanked the Academy and Ultra Mega Corp, International "for believing in this project when other venture finance companies laughed."
In the film, Bandit, played by Sir Laurence Olivier, runs interference in a souped up Trans Am for "Smokey II," a trucker who must drive from Atlanta to Texarkana, pick up $80,000 worth of Coors, and be back in Atlanta in 18 hours.
"Ze script had all ze elements," said St. Juneau. "Fast cars, trucks, fat Southern sheriffs. I believe the race against time theme represents the human struggle to evade death, which is represented in the film by the stubborn, repressive Sheriff Buford T. Justice. It has truly been a labor of love."
Critics of the film spoke of an "accent over substance" trend in the Academy, with one unnamed critic complaining that "hicks shouldn't even be allowed in the movies."
But most of the audience was inclined to believe otherwise. "Oscar can't resist a European accent," said professional gossip Julie Brown. "Everyone who's seen this film has been mesmerized by the romantic dialogue."
"Smokey et le Bandit" beat out what many consider the strongest group of nominees since the McCarthy era. "The Teley" -- a 2 and 1/2 hour British drama about a man who waits sullenly by a telephone, never speaking -- was the early favorite. Also nominated were "Bright", a sentimental tale about an eccentric chess prodigy who murdered an entire Australian village; and "Hollywood Formula", another sentimental tale about a dim-witted small-town Southern man who befriends a local youngster and becomes a war hero, star college football player, and a foosball champ.
But to the victor go the spoils, and "SELB", as it's known in the industry, has taken hold of American culture. CB sales have tripled since the academy announced its nominees, and Pontiac revealed in a Monday press conference that they will begin issuing T-tops and painted "hood eagles" for the '98 model year.
Doctors Warn of Washing-Hygiene Link
Mar. 21, 1997, Submitted by Rusputin Click On Headline to view in full screen(The Hague, Netherlands) Researchers in Amsterdam announced the discovery of an elusive connection between cleanliness, and something most of us do everyday.
"Yes, its true," stated Dr. Himmel von VanDerwyk. "Bathing causes cleanliness! Or to put it more succinctly, if you take a bath, or even a shower, chances are pretty high that you're going to get clean." Von VanDerwyk was working on an unrelated project, the effect of shoe polish on dogs, when he made his discovery. "Yes, we had just finished a series of Carnuba-Dachshund trials, when a lab assistant applied too much soap to one of the dogs. This 'accident' resulted in the dog becoming cleaner than any of us had ever seen. Well, not to be one who can ignore this kind of scientific revelation, I followed the lead."
Said lead, eventually led von VanDerwyk to the most startling discovery of the decade. Experts feel certain that von VanDerwyk's claim will have repercussions throughout the entire world, though many dispute his radical findings.
"You have to be careful with these kinds of scientific experiments," cautioned Daniel Johnson, MD, President of the American Medical Association. "Von VanDerwyk's work will have to be checked and rechecked, until we can be certain that his findings are inaccurate. We have never found any problem with bathing in the past and have prescribed it repeatedly for all kinds of ailments, even depression, without ever once receiving any complaint of cleanliness. We at the AMA refuse to accept that something we have all been doing for centuries can produce such an unexpected effect. We have never changed our minds about anything, and we would hate to change our minds about changing our minds."
"We just never realised what we were doing to ourselves," cried von VanDerwyk. "washing and lathering, rinsing and repeating until there was nothing left of our original filth. Its time we wake up, and start taking better care of ourselves. We can't do whatever we want to our bodies. There are always repercussions."
Experts predict an almost fifty percent reduction in bathing,
as people attempt to slow the effects of cleanliness. Americans and residents
of similar Western Industrial nations will be hit the hardest, while it
seems that the French have once again been way ahead of us the whole time.
Mar. 21, 1997,
Submitted by Bavhraghita Semionopololes Click On Headline to view in full screen(Hollywood, USA) Rumours are flying about the future of "Borderwatch", Aaron Spellbound's projected series concerning Immigration and Naturalisation Service agents patrolling the southern border of California. According to the SBN Sources (and the National Enquirer), the casting director (who cannot be named for legal reasons) originally intended on casting professional actors for the parts of the illegal immigrants.
California Governor Pete Wilson, who is to play the part of Mitch Wilson, the local squadron's sport-loving leader, is said to be against this. Wilson thinks real-life illegal immigrants should be cast in these roles. Furthermore, he insists, they should work for no pay and be deported afterwards.
"They cause the state to waste a lot of money," Governor Wilson is quoted as saying. "It's time for them to do something for the state."
Mar. 21, 1997 Submitted by Rusputin (Click On Headline to view in full screen)(Nantucket) Jerry Rieswaller, celebrated in limerick as the "Man from Nantucket", filed suit this week against anyone and everyone who has ever chanted the familiar limerick starting "There once was a man from Nantucket...".
"Although I feel strangely complimented by the legend," said Rieswaller's statement. "I nonetheless find the limerick to be a defaming invasion of privacy."
Rieswaller is seeking a sum of only two-hundred thousand dollars, which our experts assure us is just enough to pay for a 'reduction' operation. "Frankly I don't understand," said limerick artist Freddie Wishbone. "The Man From Nantucket is the best one I got. People love it. Sure I'll give him the money, but who's gonna wanna hear a limerick that goes 'There once was a man from Nantucket, Who wanted his p*** reducted...'? That doesn't even rhyme! For Christ's sake, the man should be thankful for what he's got. How many women are gonna turn down a guy with shlong as famous as his?"
"Sure, I get lots of dates," said Rieswaller in a private interview. "But all they want to do is watch me, uh, you know like in the limerick. I mean, hey, I've been doing that for years. Now its somebody else's turn."
Rieswaller is set to go to court next week, and will be representing himself despite numerous offers from the finest lawyers in the nation.
Claims Rieswaller, "Who knows how to take care of my needs better than me?"
Mar. 21, 1997 Submitted by AcedtectClick On Headline to view in full screen(Washington, DC) "Muppets should be our pals not a blight on the urban landscape begging for spare nickels," said President Clinton in an emotional speech to the "Club of Very Proper Non-Asian Democratic Backers Who Never Had Coffee With the President."
The President called on Congress to ease the plight of millions of muppets thrown out of work by the death of Jim Henson. "I'm making it my top priority to create a national Muppet Service Plan (MSP) that will retrain out of work muppets and get them back in the mainstream of life. You know I'm a little fuzzy myself sometimes. I know what its like."
The MSP calls for providing a 2 year retraining program for qualifying muppets. The program includes semi-skilled and skilled labour not requiring thumbs as well as jobs as mannequins, scratching posts and packing material.
"I want to work. It's fun," said one homeless muppet who asked SBN not to use his name. "Sleeping on the street is not very cuddly! I miss my warm blanket and beddy!"
Critics say Clinton's plan is too little too late and will hurt the muppet population more than help. "We've got an unemployment rate of 90% among muppets while K. T. Frog rakes in millions. What we need is some balancing to that equation. Retraining muppets and kicking them back on the street in 2 years isn't going to make the jobs problem go away," said Muppet Economist R. Franklin. "What we need is the graduated system of assistance and state sponsored television that England's Tony Blair proposes."
Blair's proposal has met stiff resistance in the UK and is sure to become a main issue in the upcoming election. "There is no Muppet Problem in as far as I am aware," said Prime Minister John Major. "There are no problems in the UK. We are doing fine. There is no poverty, hunger, underemployment or anything. We're just fine thank you. What was the question?"
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