One common phrase we, as parents, have tried to avoid using is the classic “You’re OK”. It seems like a perfectly harmless phrase and I understand why it’s used so frequently. The kid falls, hurts himself and you quickly pat his back and say, “You’re OK” because you want him to be OK and diffuse the situation as quickly as possible.
Daniel is approaching two, which seems to be an especially accident prone age. So we have more stumbles and falls than we’re used to. I’ve let the phrase “You’re OK” slip and noticed a huge difference in his reaction compared to avoiding the phrase and acknowledging his feelings.
When he falls and I tell him he’s OK, I’ve noticed he starts crying harder. Obviously he is OK, we don’t need to call paramedics because he tripped at the park. But he is hurting and that’s why he’s crying. Aside from invalidating his feelings, saying, “You’re OK”, in my experience, is a surefire way to prolong the crying. First he’s crying because he’s hurt, then he’s crying because he wants you to know and acknowledge that he’s hurt.
When you think about it, it is an incredibly frustrating response to hear when you’re hurt. Imagine you’re in labor, squeezing your partner’s hand and grunting through a contraction. Then you look up at his face for comfort and with a blank expression he says, “You’re OK.” …Not a good idea.
My husband’s a therapist. We often joke and refer to him as having a Master’s degree in feelings, which comes in handy because he’s especially good at things like this. The other day, he was holding Daniel’s hand when Daniel took a nasty fall. I was following behind and noticed the little guy fell pretty hard and his knee was instantly scraped. He scooped Daniel up and rubbed his back while Daniel cried and laid his head on his shoulder.
“Aww, that was a bad fall,” my husband said.
“Yeah!” Daniel sniffed.
“I’ll bet that hurts, doesn’t it?”
“I know, buddy. It’ll stop hurting in just a minute.”
By the time we got to our car, Daniel had stopped crying and was OK. I feel certain letting him cry and emphasize with him during his moments of hurting really helped him cope. All this may sound silly, but if you have a toddler, you know these moments happen all the time and even if it’s just a scraped knee, it’s still hard to see your child hurting.