Couples don’t always see eye-to-eye. Conflict is certain to arise in every romantic relationship.
What matters the most is how couples approach and deal with conflict. Research consistently shows that one’s attachment style greatly influences how couples work through disagreements.
Partners with an anxious style of attachment are likely to:
- Experience more frequent and intense conflict in their relationships
- Blame their partners for disputes
- Engage in a more controlling style of communication (make more demands, threats, and use manipulation).
- Have difficulty letting go of issues
Partners with a dismissing style of attachment are likely to:
- Downplay the importance and frequency of conflict in their relationships
- Distance themselves from their partners
- Withdrawal from conversations, limit their involvement, and curtail the discussion
- Try to keep their feelings to themselves
Given what anxious and dismissing individuals bring to the table in terms of their approach to conflict, you can see how such a pairing leads to problems in a relationship. One person tries to escalate conflict while the other person tries to check out… and no one is happy with the outcome.
Source: Feeney, J. A., & Karantzas, G. C. (2017). Couple conflict: insights from an attachment perspective. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 60-64.