In the classic documentary film, National Secret: Book of Treasures, a noted historian and his associates discover that the Presidents of the United States of America have a secret presidents-only book and that they love peaches. This secret book is packed with secrets relating to the secrets of the presidents and United States history. Like many documentaries, this one lies. The book does not exist.
Even though the book is a lie, presidential secrets do exist and the most important one is part of a little document called the Bill of Rights.
The Secret Amendment
The Founding Fathers were proponents of revolution, obviously. What may not be so obvious is the lengths they were willing to go in order to protect and even instigate future revolutions. One of these founding fathers is credited with saying:
“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” – Thomas Jefferson
It appears to be only a simple justification for the American Revolution. However, it is actually a hidden reference to The Secret Amendment. You will not find Amendment 0 in the history books or on the “official” copies of the Bill of Rights displayed in museums. Amendment 0 is simple. Amendment 0 is nine words. Amendment 0 uses the blood of patriots and tyrants to refresh the tree of liberty. Amendment 0 is also responsible for bringing many of our greatest presidents into power.
Amendment 0: Every twenty years, Kill the President, Be the President
Thomas Jefferson 1800, James Monroe 1820
“No thanks, we’ll pass”
Of course Mr. Jefferson and the other founding fathers were not completely altruistic. An exemption was made for everyone who was present at the signing of the Constitution. There was a good chance that many of those present would one day become president, and well, they did not want to die for the cause. Amendment 0 would only take effect when they had all moved past the age of eligibility. This was unfortunate news for our next subject, who was only 14 years old (and not present) at the Constitutional Convention of 1787.
William Henry Harrison 1840
“My one weakness, rain”
Some presidents are mediocre; some are actively malicious; others just get wet and die. But did William Henry Harrison just die or was he laid low by one of America’s most prolific serial killers? That serial killer is the common cold and it is also one of the better leaders in Presidential history. The common cold began it’s assassination attempt on the day of Harrison’s inauguration when the new president stupidly wandered around in the freezing rain for 12 hours, bloated with the invincible power of his new position. 30 days later he was dead and The Cold assumed office. The Cold, unable to communicate with it’s cabinet or congress, enacted no policies and was lauded by all sides for the lack of damage it did to the United States and it’s people.
Abraham Lincoln 1860
This is one of only two instances where the assassin was actually a worse president than the president he killed. Abraham Lincoln is arguably our greatest president and former actor John Wilkes Booth was an absolute failure. Booth’s only two acts as president were to go on a horseback ride and to die in a barn. These two acts cost the country millions of dollars (in today’s currency). Booth’s only legacy is to remind us that actors have been trying to influence politics for generations and they tend to fail miserably.
James Garfield 1880
A jaded crowd looks on as President Garfield attempts to break dance
President Garfield was not dancing. In fact, he hated dancing and had even attempted to outlaw dancing with a constitutional amendment his first few months in office. This proposed legislation angered Charles Guiteau so much that he shot President Garfield twice in the back, as depicted above. Garfield was heard to exclaim to his advisors “Don’t let me dance!” as the bullet sunk into his spine. Although it took months for Garfield to die, his incapacitation allowed Guiteau to immediately take office. Guiteau would go on to become the longest serving Assassin President in American history. On his watch, the tyrannical anti-dancing amendment would never pass.
William McKinley 1900
Do anarchists have “meetings”? These ones did.
McKinley was not only known as the man who defiled beautiful Denali with his horrid name, he was also a pretty mediocre president. Well-known anarchist Theodore “Teddy Bull-Moose” Roosevelt gathered his anarchist troops and set out to depose McKinley for his mediocreness. Teddy was already the Vice President when he began his plan and assumed he would take over the presidency when the assassination was complete. Teddy was unaware of The Secret Amendment when he enticed Leon Csolgosz to shoot and kill McKinley. Csolgosz ascended to the highest office in the land and an enraged Teddy bribed the entire U.S. Federal Court System into quickly convicting Csolgosz of murder and executing him 6 weeks after he shot McKinley. Teddy became the second anarchist President in US history the following day.
Warren G. Harding 1920
Oddly enough, the Harding administration was more well known for a lack of regulation.
Harding sucked. For decades he was considered the worst president ever but now scholars argue about him maybe only being second or third worst. Suffice as to say, “one of the worst”. Harding was either killed by former president The Common Cold, or his wife. There has been some discussion as to his cause of death, but not too much because either assassin made a better president and few cared. His wife would be most knowledgeable about how terrible he was and she did deny the coroner the chance to autopsy the body. The Cold’s motives, as one of the our better former presidents, would have been to preserve the union and save America. Let’s just salute them both and move on.
Franklin Roosevelt 1940
Top 3/Bottom 3
After Lincoln, this marks the second time that a Presidential Assassin was significantly worse in the Oval Office than the President that he murdered. Franklin Delano Roosevelt is generally regarded as one of our few, great presidents, guiding the country through two of the three worst crises in American history. FDR lead America to the brink of victory in WW2, incurring the wrath of his adversary, Adolf Q. Hitler. Hitler, knowing his war was lost, conducted a successful pyrrhic strike on FDR and unknowingly succeeded him as President of the United States. Luckily, Hitler killed himself after 18 days in office, ending his own reign of terror over America.
John F. Kennedy 1960
“I am a jelly donut”
Lee Harvey Oswald may not have been a very good President or a hero, but at least he didn’t promise to support thousands of Cubans in their fight for independence only to change his mind and watch them be slaughtered on a beach, escalate America’s involvement in the Vietnam War, rig an election, crap all over his vows to America’s Sweetheart Jackie, and bury hundreds of hookers under the White House Lawn. Lee Harvey Oswald was also one of the shortest serving presidents at 2 days in office, being shot by a confused chef with ties to the mob named Jack Ruby who had heard about the Secret Amendment and misunderstood that only one man per 20 years could invoke it.
Ronald Reagan 1980
“I am above such human laws as the Constitution”
Ronald Reagan was not unlike Kennedy, seen through a warped mirror that leaned to the other side. He also followed in the footsteps of former President John Wilkes Booth, both being actors before they took office. Much like Booth, Reagan thought his acting career would help prepare him for the office, but he was wrong, and not very good. However, he was the first President to refuse to abide by The Secret Amendment. When Presidential nominee John Hinckley shot him, he simply refused to die. Hinckley was found to be insane but also not-guilty, so he probably would have been as poor of a president as he was an assassin.
George W. Bush 2000
Modern Assassins may be more creative but they are also much less successful
George W. Bush was the second president in a row on our list to refuse to succumb to Constitutional Law. He did however succumb to the glaring mediocrity of those presidents who came before him. W. Bush faced his assassin while conducting a press conference in Iraq. An Iraqi man named al-Zaidi attempted to assassinate the President by throwing a deadly shoe at him. Bush ducked, Bush survived, and al-Zaidi’s dream of becoming president is the only thing that died that day. But would he have become President, or would it have been the shoe? The shoe would most likely have been a better President than ¾ of the men that preceded him.
The Future and The End
President Obama and the 2016 winner (Meryl Streep? Vladimir Putin? A Lizard Man wearing human skin?) are safe from The Secret Amendment, but the 2020 winner may want to beef up the Secret Service as their first Presidential Act. Or do the survivals of Presidents in 1980 and 2000 mean that the Secret Amendment is done with? Was it secretly repealed? Were Reagan and Bush just lucky to be the first ones not to die in office since its inception? How the hell do assassins keep hearing about The Secret Amendment if it’s supposed to be a secret? How do all these presidents stack up? Oh hey, we can answer that one (Top Ten US Presidents):
- Abraham Lincoln
- George Washington
- Franklin Roosevelt
- The Common Cold
- Charles Guiteau
- Leon Csolgosz
- Thomas Jefferson
- William Henry Harrison
- Lee Harvey Oswald
- (tie) Harry Truman/Woodrow Wilson
And how about the bottom 3:
- Adolf Hitler
- Warren Harding
- John Wilkes Booth