Everything I needed to know about computers I learned in the movies.
- Word processors never display a cursor.
- You never have to use the spacebar when typing long sentences.
- All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.
- High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
- Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
- Corollary you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
- Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.
- All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
- Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer as the characters come across the screen.
- All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backward. A skilled technician will bring such a computer back online in minutes.
- People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.
- A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
- Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
- Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per scond.
- When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
- If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file - and there are no undelete utilities.
- If a disk has encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
- No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
- The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.
- Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.
- Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.
- Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.
- Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. While operating computers under stress, humans NEVER make mistakes.
- Programs are fiendishly perfect and never have bugs that slow down users.
- Any photograph can have minute details pulled out of it. You can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.
Here are some interesting facts about the two well-known presidents of the United States of America:
- Abraham Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846.
- John F. Kennedy was elected to congress in 1946.
- Abraham Lincoln was elected president in 1860.
- John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
- The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
- Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
- Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
- Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
- Both were shot in the head.
- Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
- Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
- Both were assassinated by southerners.
- Both were succeeded by southerners.
- Both successors were named Johnson.
- Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
- Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
- John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
- Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
- Both assassins were known by three names.
- Both names contain fifteen letters.
- Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
- Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
- Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
- A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
- A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:
The science of categorizing shit has been thouroughly investigated and developed over the year by our shit specialists. Some said you are what you shit. This saying is true because the kind of food you eat really does affect the nature of your shit and your shitting habits. The following is the breakdown types of shits.
- Ghost Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.
- Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
- Wet Shit
The kind where you wipe your but 50 times and it still feels unwiped. So you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don't ruin them with brown stain.
- Second Wave Shit
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to shit some more.
- Brain-Hemorrhage Through-Your-Nose-Shit or the Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit
The kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.
- Richard Simmons Shit
The kind where you shit so much that you lose 30 pounds.
- Corn Shit
- Lincoln Log Shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush.
- Drinker's Shit
That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the treadmarks left on the bottom of the toilet.
- "Gee, I Wish I Could Shit" Shit
It's the kind where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet cramped and fart a few times.
- Spinal Tap Shit
That's the kind where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.
- Wet Cheeks Shit or the Power Dump
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that you butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
- Liquid Shit
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.
- Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own!!
- Cats do what they want, when they want.
- They rarely listen to you.
- They're totally unpredictable.
- They whine when they are not happy.
- When you want to play they want to be alone.
- When you want to be alone, they want to play.
- They expect you to cater to their every whim.
- They're moody.
- They leave hair everywhere.
- They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: They're like little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
Ski season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN OF THE UK.
- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
- She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
- She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
- He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
- He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
- He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
- He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
- He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
- He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
- He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
- He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
- He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
Kids say the darnedest things. Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:
- The future of "I give" is "I take."
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- (Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
- The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
The following statements are taken from product labels!
- On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
- On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
- On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
- On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
- On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
- In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
- On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
- In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
- On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
- On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING??!!
- On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
- On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
- On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
- On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
- On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
- On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
- Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
- Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
- Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
- Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
- Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
- Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
- Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
- Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
- Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
- Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
- Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
- Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
- Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
- English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
- Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
- Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
- Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
- Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
- Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
- Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
- Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
- Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
- Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
- National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
- Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
- Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
- Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
- Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to come out.
- Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
- Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
- Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
- Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
- Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
For years I struggled with explaining to friends and family exactly what the difference is between the various types of marketing. The perfect illustration...
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
"I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
- You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
"He's fantastic in bed."
- You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,
"Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
- You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
- You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.
- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.
- Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.
- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.
- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girl friend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barrelled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends') father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.
- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realised just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.
- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.
- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken arial.
- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.
- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 KGs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.)
- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.
- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all Niggers! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.
- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.