For most people the mind has developed into something that does incessant describing, comparing, and judging. When I didn’t have any awareness I didn’t notice how busy it was all the time. When I noticed it, I just assumed that it was me thinking. I didn’t think of my thinking as judgmental. I just thought that my opinions were the right ones. Because I was comfortable with my opinions for a long time they didn’t bother me. But then in times of stress when the voice in my head would keep me up at night, I began to notice things were out of balance.
Most everyone has this type of chatter in their mind to varying degrees. The difference is that some people identify with it, and feel it is them. Other people realize that their mind has taken on a life of its own and decide to do something about it.
One of the most helpful things in this process of quieting the voice in your head (the Voice) is to realize where it came from and what it is doing there. Understanding the origin of the Voice will help you let go of judgmental reactions during this process. Understanding your own thinking is so important that my mentor don Miguel Ruiz wrote The Voice of Knowledge devoted to this subject.
The inner voice of self-judgment develops in a young mind with the merging of memory and logic. Before memory and logic developed, we stayed in the present moment where there is only the desire and action to express ourselves. Before memory and logic, if we wanted to go outside and play, we would run outside and play. Later, mom might tell us to pick up our toys, and we still might run out and play. But, as memory developed, we could recall mom scolding us in the past for not cleaning up our toys.
With logic our mind would link the cause and with the painful effect of being punished. Then one time running outside to play we would see our toys and a little voice in our head would remind us, “I should pick those up.” The Voice was an echo from memory trying to tell us how to logically avoid the emotional pain of punishment.
Sometimes after being punished or feeling something unpleasant, an agreement like, “I should have picked up my toys,” gets stored in the memory also. The Voice was learning and reminding us what to do in order to be happy. Our memory was also storing all the suggestions from the Voice to be repeated back to us later when we needed. We learned to follow the Voice in order to avoid breaking other people’s rules that would get us punished. The Voice couldn’t know the future, but it echoed a rule from the past of what would cause us pain. In this way the voice in our head always lives in the past and projects assumptions of the future. It keeps us from experiencing the present moment.
The Voice also told us what to do in order to get rewarded with attention, and love, “I should…clean up my room, eat my vegetables, be quiet, stay in line and get good grades.” Do these things and people will like you, accept you, and love you. Do these things and you will be happy. The Voice echoed all the right rules based on the punishments and rewards stored in memory.
As a young child, we saw adults as very unpredictable, so we began to trust the little voice in our head more than anyone else. Even our parents who loved us couldn’t be completely trusted because they would also punish if we did something wrong. Maybe we got blamed and punished for what our brother did, and concluded that we couldn’t trust mom or dad with the truth. The voice in our head was the guide to emotional safety in a world of bigger people who had the power to punish us and take away our rewards.
We created that Voice in our Head by building memory with rules. We invested a lot of faith in the Voice as something we could trust in an uncertain world. It became like a Guardian Angel speaking in our mind telling us what to do. We gave it great authority and power over our choices and trusted it to be right.
The Voice grew and learned to look at things in our past and gave interpretations of what we “should have done” and “shouldn’t have done.” It gave us advice about our future and what we “should do,” and “should be.” Its opinion was built with the intelligence of our own logic. It drew on every memory for evidence. Later in life the voice sounds like us speaking and thinking when it is only the echoes of memory that have come alive. Sometimes we mistakenly put our trust in the voice from memory and think we are trusting our Self. We lose our identity and follow the rules of should and shouldn’t echoing from the past instead of being in the moment.
When we continue with this approach to life we create problems as we get older. When we were young our emotional well-being was based on how other people reacted to us. The logic rules we created were based on the rewards and punishments given out by others, but as we got older people didn’t punish and reward us the same way, or at all.
We would work hard at something but no one would notice and no one would reward us. At the same time we might feel a fear or nervousness that someone would do something against us if we didn’t please them. Wondering about what other people think of us is a clue to these past patterns. We are trying to please others with our rules of "should" from the past.
Perhaps mom is kind and wants to say yes, but has the good sense not to give us the pony that we ask for. Our disappointment is painful and the logic gets distorted with the agreement, “Asking for what I want only leads to pain.”
The mind mistakenly assumes our asking was the cause. It wasn't aware of the emotional attachment, expectation, or of the practical aspects of keeping a pony. The Voice wouldn’t include these understandings. It assumed that everything was about us, and only noticed that we asked. Even if the Voice made it about someone else, “she shouldn’t be that way,” memory stored that rule for us to follow as well.
If we had a broken heart the Voice would make rules so we didn’t get hurt again. It would declare, “All men are…” or “women are all the same.” It would swear off a whole gender as a solution to not feeling emotionally hurt. “Falling in love just leads to heartbreak.” It made declarations not based in truth. Later in life the rules make us afraid of expressing our love and asking for what we want.
There was no other part of our mind monitoring it for exaggerations and common sense in those moments. We had trusted its logic implicitly for so many years we didn’t question the exaggerations or faulty logic. We agreed to the rules with no consideration for how it might limit our happiness and choices for the rest of our life.
Perhaps a second heartbreak would bring a harsh criticism such as, “I knew better and I didn’t listen to myself.” “I am such an idiot.” As we got older we learned to accept harsher and harsher comments from the Voice. The harshness was accepted under the assumption that the criticism might make us obey the rules so we didn’t get hurt anymore.
We are sold on the logic of following the rules of the punishing voice as the path to emotional safety and happiness. Sometimes as adults we become so busy following the rules we don’t stop to wonder if they are true. No other part of our mind had been assigned to limit self-criticisms. We continue to live in the paradigm that the voice in our head was there to help us be happy even when it isn’t true anymore.
We invested the personal power of our faith in the Voice for so long that it took on a life of its own. It runs repeatedly with self-judgments and chatter completely separate from us. It is no longer a helpful Guardian Angel. Because it is largely our own voice programmed into memory we don’t recognize it as a separate entity. We usually don’t see it as a separate being until we are stressed and can’t sleep at night because of its chatter.
We spend our energy trying to satisfy its rules hardly noticing many of those rules contradict each other. “We should go after that promotion” conflicts with “I should spend more time with my family.” “I want to ask her out,” conflicts with fear of her saying no. Amidst this chaos in the mind we forget that all the rules were intended to bring us happiness in our life. Yet emotions like love and joy hardly have room to be felt amidst its incessant chatter of what we “should” do and “shouldn’t do.” At this point our Guardian Angel has fallen into may fear based and false beliefs and spends its time yelling them at us.
The reality to accept is that the Voice in your head does not know how to be happy. It only knows what it stored in memory from the past about how other people would react. It knows how we should have behaved in the past in order to get the best reaction from people in the past. It has knowledge of what we have to do for others to accept us, but not about how to accept our self. The voice does not know how to express love or joy, or laugh.
We can free ourselves from the faulty logic of the mind by choosing not to believe its rules anymore. But the Voice will not go easily. Just the thought of being without that Voice can bring up fears. We are powerful creators and have made it strong by investing our faith in it for many years. Even though you can’t seem to move it at times it is not stronger than you. It is like a large tree in your garden that has been there for years and grown roots. You may not be able to pull it out in with your hands in a day, but with some tools and time you can clear it away. It may appear stronger in a moment, but you have time, intent, and faith on your side. All you need is to add is some tools to take care of the job.
We will challenge the rules when we are tired of being unhappy. We will let go of the mind when we no longer accept the illusion of emotional safety that it offers. We will challenge the voice in our head when the fear of suffering under its faulty logic is greater than the fear of being without it's illusion of protection. We will defy the faulty logic when we realize it is based in fear and we don’t want to be afraid anymore. Our desire to be happy is the force that will propel us to personal freedom from the voice in our head.
The path to emotional integrity and harmony with your mind is through awareness, acceptance, and forgiveness, something the voice in our head knows nothing about. We begin to discover, for the first time, that our happiness in life has little to do with other people’s reactions and more to do with expressing our own emotions of love. The rules the voice in your head have you follow do not usually direct you to follow your heart and do what you love. Fortunately there is a lot more to our being than just the thinking voice. We have many other dimensions that we can look to for guidance in overcoming the voice in our head and creating happiness in our life.
Understanding this is a big step towards quieting that Voice. It will allow you to let go of your complaints and judgments about the fallen angel. Recognizing that it did the very best that it could will help break the judgments you have about that Voice. With an understanding that it never meant you any harm comes the opportunity for acceptance and compassion. Acceptance and compassion for your self is an important first step towards the redemption of a fallen angel that lives in your head.
Applicable free audio podcast Stop Beating Your Self UP mp3
For practical steps to change free your self from the rules and tyranny of that Voice in your Head I suggest doing the Self Mastery Course The first few sessions are available for a free trial.