How can we think differently about sexuality? How can we protect our children? Who should teach them–parents, the schools, the Internet? Do we really live in a “rape culture?” How do we impart to young men the desire to be respectful of young women? How do we enable young women to protect themselves?
I think these are all valid questions that parents should answer for themselves before they try to teach their children about sexuality. And my answer is “yes.” Ideally it should be parents who do the teaching. Kids may learn stuff from school or from media but parents should be the ones to field the questions, the concerns and the values. It is from their parents that children will learn attitudes about the body and sexuality—respect or disrespect; fear or elation; pleasure or pain.
Our attitudes about our bodies begin when we are born and eventually color the way we feel about sexuality. Those attitudes are inevitably influenced by the way we are treated by the adults who care for us. If allowed to do so a baby takes great delight in his or her body. It can burp and sneeze; feel touch and taste; experience tickle and cuddle and a host of other amazing sensations. When a parent is engaged and able to participate in the delight it is unimagined joy for both. It means that the child can grow into its body with full awareness of its potential.
If however a parent responds to the child’s body with scorn and disgust or, worse still, inflicts trauma and pain, a child begins to separate from the body. In extreme situations a youngster may mentally pull out of the body much in the way of an “out of body” experience. Then as the person grows up he or she begins to treat the body as an extraneous appendage–as if it were simply not attached.
When the person becomes an adult and becomes able to experience adult sexuality he or she may engage in sexual activity as if it were happening to “someone else.” As with my patient “Charlie,” the human values that the person normally espouses may simply not come into play. That is, he may be willing to exploit another person sexually in ways that he would otherwise not dream of doing. Conversely a person may allow the body to be exploited and be unable to be protective of it because it is as though it were happening to another person.
For a multitude of reasons—cultural, historical, biological and personal—the sexual roles tend to break out along gender lines. That is, males typically exploit women sexually and women are unable to protect themselves. That means that as parents we have different tasks as we prepare children to participate and find pleasure in adult sexuality. Boys need to learn that their sexual lives are subject to the same values of respect and honor with which they govern other aspects. Girls must understand that they are the agents of their bodies including their sexuality. It is always their choice as to where, when and how they will participate.
Children who understand and value their own bodies, beginning in infancy, will be far better able to make positive and considerate choices about their sexuality.
Ellen Toronto is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Spring, Texas and has been practicing since 1980. In 2017, she was elected a Fellow in Psychoanalysis by the American Psychological Association. In 2016, Dr. Toronto's practice was recognized as one of the top Ann Arbor Psychology practices. She received her Ph.D. in Psychology from the University of Michigan. Dr. Toronto is married to Robert Toronto, Ph.D., and together they have four sons and eleven grandchildren.