What is domestic violence?
Domestic violence is a pattern of coercive behavior used by one person
in order to maintain power and control in a relationship. Batterers repeatedly
subject their victims to physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, and financial
tactics of control in order to force them to do something batterers want them
to do without regard to the victims' rights or well-being.
Why do victims of abuse stay in the relationship?
There are many reasons victims stay in abusive relationships - and they
are all good reasons. They do not stay because they like the abuse
or are stupid. They stay because of:
Emotional connections - Some victims find it hard to leave because
they still love their partners. Even if they are abusive sometimes, they can also
be kind and gentle. They also may feel that if they "try hard enough" to fix the
relationship, they can work it out. Some people are afraid to be alone, and
prefer to accept the abuse rather than try to live on their own.
Family - Some people stay because they think it is important for their
children to have two parents, and don't want them to be from a "broken
Outside pressure - Some victims stay because their religion or family
expects that they stay with their husbands through everything.
Shame and embarrassment - Some victims stay because they
feel ashamed and believe that the failure of their relationship is somehow
theirown fault. This belief is supported by the abuser, who often tells them
that they are to blame for all the abuse that is done to them (i.e., "If you didn't
make me so angry, I wouldn't have to hit you/yell at you."). Some people
believe that domestic violence only happens to poor or stupid people, so they
do not acknowledge that it is happening to them.
Financial considerations - Many people stay because of money, or lack
thereof. If you have no job or work experience, no credit cards, no health
insurance and no checks in your name, it is very difficult to imagine surviving
on your own. It is even harder if children are involved.
Fear-Perhaps the biggest reason that women stay in violent relationships is
that they are scared. When women decide to leave, batterers feel an even
greater sense of losing control and they often increase their violent behavior.
The abuser may threaten to kill the woman or himself if she leaves. Staying in
the relationship may seem like the only way to survive.
What is the cycle of violence?
For many people in abusive relationships, the cycle of violence occurs in the
following three stages:
Rising tension - You and the abuser may argue often. You may
make extra efforts to keep the abuser from getting angry. But, the abuser
continues to find fault with what you do and say, or don't do or say.
Explosive incident - In spite of your efforts, the abuser will choose to allow
the tension to explode into extreme verbal abuse or physical violence.
The reconciliation (honeymoon) period - After the violence,
the abuser may apologize and promise not to hurt you again. This phase may
persuade you to give the relationship another chance. You must remember
that this phase will not last. Tensions will eventually increase and the cycle
will begin again.
If I decide to leave the abusive relationship, what should I take?
Pack a bag. Preparing to leave means having your important things
packed in a safe place and ready to take with you. Hide them outside your
house if necessary, but somewhere you can get to them easily. Remember to
Money - Cash, checkbook and checks, credit cards, bank book, half the
money in any joint account
Identification - Birth certificates, social security cards/numbers, marriage
Important records - Medical records, children's school and immunization
records, insurance information, phone numbers,address book, abuse journal
Car and house keys - Also car registration, house or apartment deeds or
Court orders or papers - Divorce order, protective order
Personal items - Medicine, clothes,cell phone chargers, special toys or
blankets (You also might make copies of important documents and keys to
keep at a friend's house in case you have to leave in a hurry).
|Frequently Asked Questions about Domestic Violence
If someone is abusing you, you may be able to get a domestic violence
protective order through the Magistrate court.
Shenandoah Women's Center, Inc.
236 W. Martin Street
Martinsburg, WV 25401
Community Resource &
Morgan County Satellite Office:
Jefferson County Satellite Offices:
Shelter/Hotline: (304) 263-8292
|What is a Protective order and how do I get one?