Small gestures that improve the day to day. Great deliveries that mark the course of life. Helping others can take a thousand different forms. It can be that person who facilitates the day, from a discreet background, so that everything flows better. Or it can be that person who makes a great sacrifice with a smile on his lips, without revealing the true cost of what he’s offering.
All of us, at some point we have helped someone. And we felt good about it. The emotional wear begins when our help is not recognized, when we give and give, without receiving anything in return, when the others do not realize everything we do for them and even suppose that it is our obligation.
“Take for granted syndrome”: When helping others we become invisible
Often, people fall into what might be called the “take for granted syndrome”, which is to ignore the value of good things in life. These people assume that our help and support are simply there, that they are entitled to it, and do not appreciate it in their proper measure.
The “take for granted syndrome” is related to the capacity to adapt, a process by which people quickly become accustomed to environments, situations and relationships. In practice, it is likely that this person felt excited the first time you helped her, and she thanked you for that gesture, but then she assumed it as something natural, the psychological mechanism of desensitization it’s been activated, and that help went from being a novelty to become something familiar.
Obviously, the ability to adapt is important, especially to avoid unnecessary suffering caused by drastic changes, but plays against relationships. We should think about relationships and help as a plant that should be taken care of every day. If we assume that the plant will always be there and does not need our care, one day it will simply dry up.
When that happens, the person will feel disoriented, as if suddenly her support structure collapsed. In fact, that is precisely what has happened: by not taking care of a relationship that gave it real value, the link has been broken and it has lost an important source of help. Only then does he value what he had taken for granted until then. Although, maybe it’s too late.
Giving a lot and receiving a little gets weary
Giving a lot and receiving a little is weary. Although it is important helping others for nothing, we also need to receive without asking. In fact, the psychologist Adam Grant, from the University of Pennsylvania, explained that we can imagine interpersonal relationships as a line, in one of its extremes is giving help, at the other extreme is receiving.
In some phases of life, we can be at a point closer to one of the extremes, such as when we have to take care of a loved person, but in a general sense, the ideal would be to find ourselves at a more intermediate point, where we can give without it becomes an energetic hemorrhage because we also receive support and help.
It is not even about the person we help “returns the favor”. It is not a quid pro quo, but to establish that deep and often indestructible emotional bond based on gratitude and recognition. On the contrary, when we help and the other becomes demanding or belittles our contribution, that help becomes a psychological burden.
Helping others also has limits
“Help your fellow men to lift their load, but do not consider yourself obligated to take it away for them”, recommended Pythagoras centuries ago. This Greek philosopher and mathematician knew that there is a limit to surrender, sacrifice and help; a limit beyond which we end up drained emotionally, especially when other people do not recognize what we do for them.
Centuries later, psychological experiments have proven the Pythagorean advice. In a study conducted at the University of British Columbia, participants were given a sum of money. Half of them were asked to spend it themselves and the other half to give it to the others. In the end, those who spent the money on the others reported feeling happier than those who spent them themselves. We know, without a trace of doubt, that being compassionate and helping others benefits us psychologically. With certain limits.
Empathy, for example, can consume us, causing us to adopt to such an extent the suffering of the others that we neglect our own feelings and needs. In fact, those who always prioritize the emotions of the others are more prone to suffer anxiety or depression. It is what is known as “empathy fatigue”, which fundamentally affects those who continuously help the others by becoming the pillars that sustain it.
In another study, conducted at Northwestern University, the researchers analyzed the effects of empathy on the parents of 247 adolescents. They found that adopting an empathic attitude improved the relationship and happiness of the family, but when parents became too involved in their children’s problems, they experienced more stress and triggered the markers of chronic inflammation. This means that carrying someone’s burden, without being able to decide or act in his place, increases our psychological and physiological burden, leaving us more vulnerable.
What practical lessons can we learn?
- Develop an empathic concern. There are different types of empathy, there is an empathy that traps you in the suffering of the others and another that allows you to connect managing that discomfort, so that the problems of the others do not drag you. Remember that as much as you can help, the final decisions will never be in your hands and, therefore, your emotional involvement should also be limited to what you can do.
- Do not exceed yourself by helping. Sometimes help, although well intentioned, can hurt by generating egocentric, demanding or dependent attitudes in the other. Therefore, the aid must always be dosed, designed so that the other grows.
- Don’t miss yourself. The philosopher Ayn Rand argued that if we want to develop good mental health, we must cultivate rational selfishness, which is nothing more than taking care of our needs and interests, since on many occasions we relegate them to a second or third plane, ending up suffering the consequences.
Manczak, E. M. et. Al. (2016) Does empathy have a cost? Diverging psychological and physiological effects within families. Health Psychol; 35(3): 211-218. Dunn, E. W.; Aknin, L. B. & Norton, M. I. (2008) Spending money on others promotes happiness. Science; 319(5870): 1687-1688.