Guilt is a feeling that all of us are familiar with, having felt guilty at some time or the other. Sometimes the guilt is small; sometimes it can be so severe that it seriously affects our peace of mind, our day to functioning, our relationships and our entire lives. “Guilt-trip’ is a term we all know.
To be able to avoid or eliminate guilt from our lives, we need to go deeply into the mechanism of guilt. Why and from where does guilt arise? If we don’t go to the root and keep cutting the branches and the leaves of the guilt tree, we will never be able to overcome guilt. Guilt is not an inborn quality; we are not born with the emotion of guilt. No child feels guilty for troubling its parents. If the child feels hungry, tired, and uncomfortable, irritated, distressed, has wet himself or feels sleepy, he does not care much for his parents. Irrespective of what his parents are doing or in what circumstances they are, irrespective of whether it is day or night, he cries out to them and expects to be attended immediately. Having troubled his parents day in and day out, having made their lives miserable, he feels no remorse or guilt. He continues to do what he did in the past, as and when he feels the need.
Guilt, as an emotion comes in later, due to our indoctrinations and conditionings by society, by our parents, teachers and others. For guilt to happen, we need to define an ideal situation or ideal action. Without this definition, there can be no guilt. And this definition is created by the society in which we live, often for protection of society’s members and to safeguard them. Very often, in the larger interests of society, the individual often has to give up much of his freedom. As a result, many parents feel guilty about the way in which they bring up children, and many older children and adults feel guilty about how they treat their parents. Teachers feel guilty that they have not taught their students well, and students feel guilty for not having paid enough attention in class and for not having performed well in the tests. And so on, in almost every relationship. Our guilt can arise in relation to any aspect of our life---ourselves, parents, friends, peers, teachers, relatives, neighbours, employees, employers, servants, our country, duty, responsibility----the list is endless. Tackling each and every one of these guilty situations will never get us to overcome guilt. Guilt is a negative emotion, like fear, anger and jealousy, which plays havoc with our mind and body, making us mentally and physically sick, and prevents us from enjoying happiness and peace on earth, something which each of us is entitled to, unconditionally.
Who or what is it who feels guilty? We are all made up of body, mind and spirit. The body has no guilt; it is a perfect machine which keeps doing its work. The spirit or soul is pure, unattached and does not carry the burden of emotions. It is the mind which is responsible for guilt. All guilt is only in our minds, not out there in the world. And since no two people are brought up in the same way, guilt too varies from person to person.
Having realized that guilt is a mental phenomenon, one needs to see how to get rid of it. Guilt arises when we have done or said something which we are not supposed to, or have not done or not said something we are supposed to. One must realize and understand that the criteria for ideal behaviour is not our own; it is someone else’s. If it were our own, we would always be doing what is right according to us. If I want to sleep, I will sleep, if I want to eat or shout or fight or sulk, I will do exactly that. But the problem comes when, having done that, I compare it in my mind to what I think I should have done, what I think I am expected to do, and this causes guilt. If we can understand that we only did or said what naturally came to us, that we were living as naturally as possible, and that we are not really bound to follow the diktats of others, provided we are willing to face all the consequences of being independent, there would be no guilt produced at all.
Fear of what will happen due to our behaviour, and how people will treat us in the future is a big reason for guilt. As long as we are bothered about other’s opinions about ourselves, as long as we depend on others for anything, we will be forced to do things that we may not want to do, and will feel angry. And by not doing it, we will feel guilty. To be totally free, one must be free from all expectations. And only in this freedom will we lose our guilt. But since we live in society, where we have to interact with those around us, our independence might relieve us of guilt, but it would definitely affect our interaction with others, might cause isolation and loneliness and might make us regret all the things that we did. One should be prepared for this. Or else, if one is really bothered about harmonious relationships with others, if one is bothered about rocking the boat, if one is constantly seeking harmony and peace with others, guilt becomes unavoidable.
Everything here is a choice, and each choice comes with its own price tag. Once we realize this, we are free to choose what we want to do or not do.