Assertiveness is a way of thinking and behaving that allows a person to
stand up for his or her rights while respecting the rights of others. Nonassertive
people may be passive or aggressive. Passive individuals are not committed
to their own rights and are more likely to allow others to infringe on
their rights than to stand up and speak out. On the other hand, aggressive
persons are very likely to defend their own rights and work to achieve
their own goals but are also likely to disregard the rights of others.
Additionally, aggressive individuals insist that their feelings and needs
take precedence over other people's. They also tend to blame others for
problems instead of offering solutions.
Assertive attitudes and behaviors
are at the heart of effective advocacy. A person with an assertive attitude
recognizes that each individual has rights. These rights include not only
legal rights but also rights to individuality, to have and express personal
preferences, feelings and opinions. The assertive individual not only believes
in his or her rights but is committed to preserving those rights. An assertive
attitude is important in recognizing that rights are being violated. The
passive person is so concerned with being liked and accepted that he or
she may never recognize the need to advocate. The assertive person clearly
expresses his or her rights or needs. They tend to face problems promptly
and they focus on solutions rather than problems. The following
will enhance your assertiveness skills.
listening is one of the most important advocacy skills we will discuss.
The goals of assertive listening are: (1) to let the other know
that you want to understand his or her point of view; (2) to understand
accurately what another is saying; and (3) to let the other know
that he or she has been understood. Remember that understanding is different
from agreement. You can understand what another is saying but still disagree
with him or her.
can let others know you are interested in hearing and understanding their
points of view in several ways. You can tell them you are interested. Here
are some examples of how you could phrase such a statement:
||I'd like to hear your views on....
||I'd like to understand your views on....
||Could you tell me about them?
||I'm confused about your stand on....
||Would you tell me more about how you see the situation?
||I think we are approaching this from two different perspectives.
||What does the situation look like from your perspective?
||I 'd like to hear your thoughts on
Looking directly at the other shows you are giving him, or her your
attention. Leaning forward slightly communicates interest, while a relaxed,
open posture communicates receptiveness to what the other party is saying.
for accuracy takes concentration and requires you to give your full
attention to what the other is saying. It is easier to listen for accuracy
when you feel relaxed. If you are tense and your own thoughts are racing,
excuse yourself for a minute and go to another room. Take a few deep breaths
to relax and clear your mind before returning. Ask questions as they come
up, especially if the answers are important to understanding additional
points the other party is discussing. Saying "um hum" and nodding your
head slightly will encourage the other to continue talking. Most people
will discontinue talking without these mild encouragements.
Listening. You can test whether or not you have understood the
other party by summarizing your understanding of what was said and asking
for verification. This not only lets you know whether you have understood
the other correctly, it also lets the other person know they have been
understood. Some problem solving or negotiation sessions get stuck because
people do not realize that they understand one another. Many times the
issue is not confusion, but disagreement about what to do about the problem.
Working out solutions is different from establishing an understanding and
some issues remain unresolved because parties never get past the stage
of establishing that all viewpoints are understood. Below are some examples
of language you can use to test for understanding.
||If I understand you correctly....
||Is that what you meant?
||I heard you say _____________, did I understand you correctly?
||I heard you say ______________, did I understand you correctly?
||Your view is _______________________, is that right?
Brain injury can interfere with the ability
to process information. Consequently, it can impair the ability understand
and make sense of complex information. This condition can be especially
troublesome when such information is presented in a stressful context.
It may become necessary to have statements or questions repeated or rephrased.
Note taking on such occasions can be used to reinforce your understanding.
Finally, you can test your understanding of the other party's intentions
by following the steps outlined above.
Assertiveness Even when we are silent we communicate a lot -- through
our eyes, facial expression, posture, gestures and personal appearance.
Through these nonverbal behaviors we communicate who we are and how we
feel. Others draw conclusions about our sincerity, credibility and emotional
state based on our nonverbal behavior. Poor eye contact, slouching, nervous
gestures and other nonassertive behaviors can convince others that what
we have to say can be safely ignored. Awareness of our nonverbal behaviors
is an important advocacy tool.
of Nonverbal Behavior Nonverbal behaviors are harder to control than
verbal behaviors, but with awareness and practice you can become effective
in communicating non verbally as well as verbally.
1. Eye contact. Eye contact means looking
directly at another, focusing on his or her eyes. Direct eye contact is
assertive. Children often play at seeing who can stare the other down.
The one who can maintain eye contact the longest wins and gains a sense
of power. We are not suggesting you try to out stare others, but looking
directly at another while you are speaking strongly suggests, even demands,
that you be listened to and taken seriously. Looking down while speaking
to another suggests timidity and weakens you in the eyes of others. Looking
to the side as you speak suggests avoidance and insincerity and jeopardizes
Maintaining eye contact while the other is
speaking shows your interest in listening. There are times when you will
want to minimize eye contact while others are speaking, perhaps to avoid
revealing your reaction to what is said or to give you time to think. When
this occurs, concentrate on note taking since this also gives the impression
that you are listening.
2. Posture. The moment you
walk into a room, your posture and carriage communicate messages about
your confidence, how you expect to relate to others, your energy level
and emotional state. Slouching may say "Don't notice me" or "I'm tired
and can be easily worn down" or "I'm not interested in being here". Slouching
does not invite the other to take you seriously. A tense and rigid posture
communicates you are in a heightened emotional state. It may be interpreted
as anxiety or anger depending on your other nonverbal behaviors. This kind
of posture makes you look out of control. An erect and relaxed posture
while standing and sitting communicates confidence, self-control, energy
and an expectation that you be taken seriously.
When sitting, leaning forward slightly communicates
interest and a sense of purpose. Leaning back communicates disinterest
or disagreement. Crossing your arms and legs suggests a tense and closed
attitude while uncrossed arms and legs suggests a relaxed and open attitude.
3. Facial expression. We
say a lot through our facial expressions. Our face tells others the degree
to which we are alert, interested, in agreement, or relaxed. It reveals
the types of emotions we feel. It is best to keep your facial expression
as neutral as possible.