“But” splits the sentence in two. When we say “but” we negate everything before it. “I’m sorry you feel that way, but…” is an empty sentence, an attempt at reconciliation that is likely to leave the listener feeling alienated and misunderstood. “You did a great job, but…” leaves the receiver hanging on to the criticism at the end of the sentence, and might miss the compliment. “But” erases and negates, emphasizing division.
“I was once asked why I don't participate in anti-war demonstrations. I said that I will never do that, but as soon as you have a pro-peace rally, I'll be there.”
-- Mother Teresa
On the brighter side, when we say yes, we are agreeing. We are forming a connection with understanding. We show that we are listening and that we can relate to what is being said, because we truly feel it from our own experience. When we say yes, we encourage and grow.
Whereas “And” is the yoga of words, the yoke that opens its arms in a verbal hug. “And” is the glue, the unifying principle. “And” heralds in the space for contribution, the place where we build off what has been said already. It is a place for openness, where disagreement and conflict are brought together in harmony. What wonders are revealed when people listen together in the spirit of “and!”
Sometimes we think that saying “no” to others gives our own ideas more weight. But the reality is, we can almost always replace “No, but” for “Yes, and” in a straight switch. The difference is, the practice of saying “yes, and” creates a tiny piece of space between our words and our egos, a space where beautiful things can germinate, like collaboration. When we say “no, but” we are bringing in our ego and taking the conversation in the direction that we personally prefer. When we say “yes, and” we are giving the conversation a huge embrace, acknowledging all that has been said, as well as adding and growing ideas.