What your preschooler knows – and needs to know – when someone in the family is deployed
Preschoolers are deeply affected when a parent or close relative goes to war. Two- to 4-year-olds will initially be concerned about how a deployment will change their own day-to-day lives ("Will I still go to school?" "Who will put me to bed?"). Later, they're likely to feel sad and experience separation anxiety (fear of being apart from you even briefly). Some children as young as 3 understand that war involves shooting and fighting and may also become fearful about the departing relative's safety.
The separation caused by a deployment undermines a preschooler's sense of the world as a predictable place. Your preschooler's anxiety may show up in different ways. She might act younger than usual, whine or become more clingy, throw tantrums, have nightmares, or wet the bed. What she needs most now is reassurance that she's safe and the familiarity and consistency of everyday routines.
If you're the parent remaining at home, you have the challenge of helping a preschooler feel secure when you may be feeling very insecure yourself. Shield your preschooler from scary news reports, particularly ones that mention troop deaths or details that may confuse her. Sticking to regular schedules will also comfort you as well as your child.
How to talk to your preschooler about a deployment
Get a grip on your feelings. It may be difficult to manage your own fears and sadness, but keep in mind that your preschooler will take her cues from you. There's no need to put on a false front that everything is just dandy, but if you're visibly shaken or scared, your child will be, too. Before discussing a deployment with your preschooler, take time alone with your partner, other relatives, or close friends to express your fears and get support. This will make it easier to communicate more calmly to your child about what's going to happen.
Break the news into bites. Give your preschooler no more than a week or two of notice, says Major Keith M. Lemmon, a pediatrician at Madigan Army Medical Center in Fort Lewis, Washington, and the father of three. "Talking about a deployment too soon isn't helpful for preschoolers because they don't hold on to thoughts very long," he explains.
When it's time, don't think in terms of sitting a preschooler down for a talk. "It's not like you're going to sit down with a script and do it all at one time," says Judith Myers-Walls, associate professor in child development and family studies at Purdue University and an expert on talking to children about war. "That's not how kids this age learn." Instead, while out shopping, you might say, "Daddy's going to be going away for a while, so we need to get things ready." Or before bedtime, "Why don't you let Daddy read you the story tonight, because he won't be able to do it for the next few months." If your preschooler asks why, explain that since Dad works for the military, he sometimes has to go far away to do his job.
Keep it basic. Don't go into a detailed description of a country halfway across the world or the roots of the conflict – it'll go way over your preschooler's head. Also omit any talk of the risks involved. "I don't recommend addressing potential dangers with 2- to 4-year-olds, because they won't be able to process the information and will wind up more scared than they need to be," says Lemmon.
Don't make promises you can't keep. Resist the urge to say things like "Don't worry. Mommy will be home in a few months." The concept of several months is much too abstract for these youngsters. Worse, if Mommy ends up being redeployed and doesn't come home as planned, this could damage the trust between you. Instead, give more realistic and timeless reassurance: "No matter what, I love you and Mommy loves you. We'll do everything we can to keep you safe." Tell your child that she's safe, and so is the rest of the family. The active-duty parent can also remind your preschooler how much she'll be thinking about her and missing her every day.
Comfort nonverbally as well. Some of your best clues about your preschooler's anxiety level will come out nonverbally – through aggressive play or disrupted sleep, for example. It's important to respond to her nonverbally as well. If she seems worried, give extra hugs and kisses. Encourage her to sleep with her favorite doll or with a night-light on if she wants to, or to hop in your bed even if she stopped doing so months or years ago.
The parent or relative who's about to be deployed should try to spend as much extra time as possible with your child, at the park or reading books at night. Choose fun activities that create lasting memories. Another strategy is for the soldier to leave something of himself behind. Major Lemmon put some of his T-shirts in his son's bed as a comfort and a reminder that his absence was temporary.
Encourage expression. Your preschooler's emotions may come out in unpredictable ways. Use art and dolls to help her voice those feelings. For example, you can say, "Let's send something to Daddy. Why don't you draw a picture?" The images may reveal a lot about what's going on in her head.
Make a plan to stay connected. Before a deployment, talk about how you'll communicate through phone calls, email, letters – even webcams if it's a possibility. Myers-Walls suggests making an audio or videotape of the departing parent reading a favorite bedtime story so it can be replayed in her absence. Once the deployed relative has gone, set aside time regularly for your preschooler to draw pictures or dictate a letter that you mail together. Take photos and make videos to send to your loved one. Many military families use a calendar to mark the days that a parent or relative is away.
Be ready to revisit the topic again and again. Don't be surprised if your preschooler asks the same questions repeatedly. She doesn't understand permanence yet, so even though she's heard about Daddy or Mommy going away, she might expect things to magically return to normal soon and may be confused when they don't. She may keep asking about the situation, especially if she sees that it's ongoing. Also expect some misunderstandings over complicated words your child might overhear – "deployment" or the names of foreign countries (she might confuse "Iraq" with "a rock"), for instance. Be available to explain and answer questions.
Protect your child from scary war news. Hearing about bombings or soldier or civilian deaths may confuse a preschooler and make her more fearful. Keep TV and radio news turned off until she's gone to bed. "If your child is exposed to news reports, be as comforting and reassuring as possible about the security of your family member," says Major Lemmon. Remind your child that many other soldiers are working to keep your loved one safe.
Also keep conversations, particularly arguments, about the conflict to a minimum. However, if there's uplifting news, feel free to share it with your child.
Tell her adults are working to keep her safe. It's sometimes hard to be reassuring in the face of your own anxieties about an ongoing war. But you can tell your preschooler (and remind yourself) that lots of people are working to keep us all safe. Talk about the ways that everyone from our government to the military troops to the local police is working to protect us.
Answers to common preschooler questions about going to war
"Am I still going to have my birthday party?" Your preschooler needs to know that when a parent goes away, everything else in her life will remain the same. Say, "Of course. And even though Daddy won't be able to come to your birthday party, he'll call and want to hear all about it."
"Can I go with you?" Your preschooler doesn't understand that she can't go to Mommy or Daddy's job overseas or how far away it really is. Say, "I wish you could come with me, but I have to go do grown-up work." Add how much you'll miss her and reiterate the many ways you'll stay in touch through phone calls, email, and letters.
"What's Daddy going to eat?" Many preschoolers react with concern for the well-being of the soon-to-be deployed parent. You can tell her, "Daddy will eat special food made for him." Add basic details about where you'll sleep and the fact that you will be with other grownups who will take care of you.
"When will he be home?" You may not be able to give a child a hard-and-fast date, notes Major Lemmon. Preschoolers will have a hard time grasping length of time anyway. Try to provide a range of time or approximate date. You might say, "Your big brother is expected home before your birthday. But he has an important job and may not be home exactly at that time."
"Will she be okay?" You can't promise your preschooler that her relative will be fine. But you can emphasize the work she and others are doing to stay safe. "Your auntie is with a lot of men and women whose job it is to protect each other. We're praying that she comes home safe as soon as her job is done."
"Why are you crying?" No matter how hard you try to maintain composure, you may succumb to sadness in front of your child. You can say, "I'm sad because Daddy has to go away to protect our country, and I'll miss him." If she has more questions, answer them as simply as possible. But remember that a preschooler will be upset if she sees that you're deeply distraught. Try to save your strongest reactions for times when she's not around.
"Are there monsters under my bed?" Preschoolers may suddenly become fearful of strangers, monsters, darkness, or other unknowns. Reassure your child: "No, there are no monsters under your bed or anywhere else. Let's look together so you can see." You don't need to explain anything about real-world "monsters." Your child just wants you to reassure her that she'll be safe in her own bed tonight.
Maintain basic routines. The stress of a separation can disrupt family schedules. But routines make preschoolers feel safe. So continue the same mealtimes, park visits, playdates, and bedtimes. "Reassure your child with familiarity whenever you can," says Myers-Walls.
Create a special photo album of the deployed loved one and routinely go through it together. Place photos of the person around the house and in your preschooler's bedroom.
Watch a Sesame Street video created for preschool-age military kids,Talk, Listen, Connect, which you can download here.
Visit helpful Web sites such as Zero to Three, which has a link for military families that contains articles and suggestions for activities, and the American Academy of Pediatrics Military Child Support site. Also check out the Sesame Workshop project for military families.
Reach out to your community for support. Attend church or other spiritual services. Join support groups for military families, such as those organized by the military, known as family readiness groups.
Call on the Department of Defense's support system, MilitaryOneSource, a 24-hour service, if you need counseling or other support.