I just watched a video from Parenting Gently called 4 Ways Parents Teach Kids That Consent Doesn’t Matter.
Her 4 points are:
#1 Parents sometimes play games with their children in which the children yell/giggle “No” while the parent(s) continue to tickle or rough house with them. Both parties (parent(s) and child(ren)) laugh the whole time and are in agreement that this is a game.
#2 Parents tell children that their feelings are wrong by contradicting what the child tells the parent that they are feeling. For example: the child says that they are hungry after having eaten and the parent says, “No. You’re not hungry. You just ate.”
#3 Parents encourage children to give affection even when the child does not want to. For example: the parent and child are interacting with an adult that the parent cares for and the parent tells the child to give the other adult a hug and a kiss even after the child clearly shows through words and/or behavior that they do not want to.
#4 Parents make it clear to children that they must listen to their elders because they are older and they are in charge. For example: the child runs into the kitchen and an adult the child is unfamiliar with tells the child not to run. The child doesn’t want to listen and responds to the adult drawing the parent into the room. The parent tells the child, “Listen to ______ because they are older and know better. Remember to respect your elders. Now apologize.”
What’s “cute” as toddlers, most people would agree isn’t cute as teens. How will these kids know what is okay and what isn’t okay if we don’t teach them while they are young?
Most of us can imagine scenarios like this in our heads and most of us have struggled with dealing with these situations. Very few things are clearly defined, but for the most part I agree with her list. Her point is that if we don’t teach children that their bodies are their own and they have the right to control them, we’re leaving them open to all kinds of abuse.Parents need to make sure that kids give enthusiastic consent.
According to the National Child Abuse Hotline, “More than 90% of juvenile sexual abuse victims know their perpetrator in some way.” That means teaching your child to listen to the older person and to suppress what they feel comfortable with in favor of what the elder is telling them to do isn’t doing them any favors.
Please, please please teach your child that their body is their own … even with parents. It’s okay for them to feel uncomfortable. It’s okay for them to say that they feel uncomfortable. It’s expected that the other person with respect their feelings and stop … even when playing. So yes parents …. it’s time to make sure that you have enthusiastic consent for those ticklefests.