They have become all too common on the nightly news — incidents of mass shootings. And in today's world of instant information, word of these tragedies reach our children like never before. That's why it's important that parents know how to address such incidents with their children.
Children differ in age, developmental level and more, and the world is experienced by each uniquely and must be explained to them individually. However, there are a few ways in which children are alike. They have hopes, dreams and fears. Young children look to the important adult(s) in their lives to help them understand and cope with life's stressors. Perhaps most importantly, even children too young to understand language take cues from adults about how to react to their environments.
Both the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommend avoiding the topic of societal tragedies with children until they are about 8 years old (or the equivalent developmental level). However, in this era of mass media and information overload, it is unrealistic to think that such information can be kept from even very young children. Often the information obtained from others is incorrect, sensationalized and/or inconsistent with your family's values. Consequently, parents and other caregivers should be prepared to know what to say and, even more important, how to react when these almost inevitable exposures occur.
Tragedies, particularly those caused by other people, have a way of producing visceral reactions and resulting strong feelings. We can't and shouldn't hide these feelings from children, but the way in which we express them is of utmost importance. Here are some general principles that work for all ages:
1) Don't pretend you're not upset when you are. Children and adolescents almost always know if you are distressed or angry about something.
2) Don't overreact. Yelling, screaming, breaking things, lashing out, crying uncontrollably or cursing sets a bad example.
3) Talk about your feelings honestly but as calmly as possible in language the child or adolescent can understand. If the child is pre-verbal, simply hold him or her in a comforting way to convey that things will be OK.
4) Reassure the child or adolescent that it is very unlikely that such a tragedy could affect them or those about whom they care.
5) Explain what precautions can be taken to reduce the probability that such an event could happen to them (e.g., "Be sure to do what your teacher/principal asks you to do in case of an emergency at school").
6) Provide your child with a developmentally appropriate narrative that helps to explain what happened in a way that is not likely to alarm him or her.
Here are some sample narratives/suggestions based upon developmental ages:
Under age six: "Sometimes people try to hurt others, but most people would never do that."
Elementary schoolchildren: Try not to let them see graphic pictures or images of the tragedy. Instead show pictures of and talk about those who were brave and helped. Answer their questions as matter-of-factly as possible.
Pre-adolescents: Ask if they have heard about the event and how they feel about it. If they haven't heard about it, tell them what you know calmly, but omit grisly details. Share your feelings and beliefs about the event(s) in a way that emphasizes and promotes pro-social values.
Teens: Allow them to share their feelings, validate their feelings and emphasize problem-solving. Talk about positive things they can do to help make the neighborhood/school/world a safer, better place.
Children are our future. How we, as caregivers, communicate with them will shape that future.
Dr. Ralph E. Cash is a licensed psychologist and professor of psychology at Nova Southeastern University's College of Psychology.