Friday, May 27, 2016
The Flying Cockroach Theory
Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Newton's Third Law and other laws fall short when compared to the Flying Cockroach Theory, which states: In a crowded room, a flying cockroach will always land on you.
Inspired and given birth by Murphy's Law, which basically states that if something can go wrong, it will, the Flying Cockroach theory further pinpoints how wrong some things can go.
There is nothing more humiliating than the reaction of a person who screams like a school girl when the dreaded kamikaze alights on them. Similarly, it can be compared to one's reaction when seaweed touches one's foot while swimming in the ocean.
This reaction occurs to everyone, from little girls to hardened combat veterans. The main reasoning behind this fear is a recent scientific discovery described as the "icky factor".
Originally, Murphy's Law stated that If there are two or more ways to do something and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it. Since then, several variations of the law have been incorporated as a definition.
Some laws, while accurate, are not very explanatory. For example. formally stated, Newton's third law is: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
While the scientific community seems to be in agreement with the law and its implications, I firmly believe that the idea behind the law was borne and influenced by flatulence.
While most actions and reactions can be scientifically explained, only those who have ever been afflicted by the Flying Cockroach Theory can truly identify with the phenomenon.
Monday is Memorial Day, a time when we observe the men and women of the armed forces who were injured or killed in battle. Please take the time to remember these valiant warriors who gallantly served their country.
The News As I See It: Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using "bad judgment." Priebus said, "I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus."
The Taliban has named a new leader this week after their former leader was killed in a drone strike over the weekend. It’s the only job interview where the correct answer to "Where do you see yourself in five years?" is "I don’t."
Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term "Eskimo" in all federal laws with the phrase "Alaska Native." O'DumbAss failed to take into consideration the case of Jerry O'Rourke, who was born and raised In Alaska and thereby, an Alaskan native.
This Date In History: 1647; The first recorded execution of a witch reportedly took place in Massachusetts when Achsah Young was hanged. 1703; St. Petersburg was founded by Czar Peter the Great. 1936; The Queen Mary left England on its maiden voyage, arriving in France four hours later.
1937; Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco opened. 1941; British ships sank the German battleship Bismarck off the coast of France, resulting in the loss of 2,300 lives. 1994; Nobel-prize winning dissident, Alexandr Solzhenitsyn returned to Russia after 20 years in exile.
1996; After a year and a half of bloodshed, Russian President Boris Yeltsin met with the leader of the Chechen rebels and negotiated a cease-fire. 1999; Slobodan Milosevic was indicted by the International War Crimes Tribunal at the Hague for crimes against humanity.
Picture Of The Day: The complexity of eradication of the famed Flying Cockroach.....
Printable Things I Never Told You: 1) I rarely worry where the subject matter will come from for my next journal entry. Deep down, I know I can always rely on a politician shooting himself in the foot. 2) My credit is so bad that Mastercard is now sending me my bills in Spanish. 3) When I was married, I took my wife everywhere, but she always found her way back. 4) I'm not saying that she was not attractive. I'm just saying that I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. 5) The doctor said, "I'm sorry sir, your mother-in-law didn't make it." I answered, "Was it the lack of prayers on Facebook?" The doctor replied, "Yes sir, I'm afraid it was".....and that's five !
Today's Horoscope: Gemini - May 27th: Fridays are for good times, so let your hair down and go for it. If you're going to the local pub, just remember, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
Birthdays: Cornelius Vanderbilt, industrialist, financier 1794, Julia Ward Howe, author and social reformer 1819, Wild Bill Hickok, frontier marshal 1837, Dashiell Hammett, writer 1894, Rachel Louise Carson, biologist, author 1907, John Cheever, novelist 1912, Henry Kissinger, American political scientist and U.S. Secretary of State (1973–77) 1923.
The AREA 51 Retirement Home Bar And Grill: During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related paraphernalia. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force pilot shook his head and in true pilot fashion said. "And to think that all these years I've just been chewing gum."
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a man, Tom Maynard, has sued St Luke's Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied,"Mrs. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology. All we did was correct her eyesight."
The Hits Just Keep On Coming: A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here, take this pill." The man asks, "What is it?" The dentist replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" The dentist replies, "No, but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth!"
A Chinese couple gets married and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring, "My darring, I know dis u firs time and you frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting, jus anyting you want. Whatchu want?"
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want...numba 69"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You wanna Kung pao chicken wif broccori?"
That's it for today, my little putty tats. Remember, forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. I'm heading over to AREA 51 for happy hour.
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Have a great Memorial day weekend and more on Monday.
Stay Tuned !