This is the first of a series of posts on relationships.
In this series, I will help you…
- understand what relationships are
- how you can appreciate the relationships you have that are “working”
- how you can attempt to improve the relationships that are problematic.
In this post, I look at what actually constitutes a “relationship”.
Enjoy, and, if you are registered, please leave a comment.
What is a “relationship”?
Take a moment and think about the relationships you currently have.
You probably thought about your significant other, your kids, or perhaps someone like a family member that you used to be able to relate to but are now estranged from.
Of course, you thought of the easy, or obvious, relationships.
But, did you think of your boss, your co-workers, the clerk at the store who helped you find the perfect gift, the policeman who pulled you over on the way to work, or the tech guy you called to help you figure out how to make your phone do what it is “supposed” to do but doesn’t do for you?
Or, did you think about the person at work you have to interact with in order to do your job but who, in reality, is a “jerk” because that individual marginalizes, demeans, or discounts you in some way?
On both counts, probably not.
What is a relationship? A working definition:
A relationship is any interaction with another person that:
- has value, is personally meaningful,or personally significant
- which, if not handled ” appropriately”, can result in unwanted consequences.
“Relationship” only indicates that there is a connection between you and another person and that you and another person are participants in the relationship.
The definition of a relationship does not, by itself, tell you anything about you, the other person, the nature of the connection, its valence (positive or negative) or how serious the connection is.
All of these elements are important and help to delineate what the particular relationship entails.
The category which you decide best describes any relationship in which you are a participant can impact the expectations you bring to that relationship.
I discuss expectations and their impact on a relationship in the next post.
Three Categories of Relationships
There are at least three categories of relationships. The first two are obvious.
The third, while less obvious, is no less significant.
- Personal – family, marriage, kids, in-laws, friends, significant others
- Business – your boss, co-workers, or customers with whom you interact
- Unrecognized – the clerk at the airline ticket counter, the tech person you call about your computer, the cop who pulls you over.
Unrecognized relationships are those interactions with others that you do not typically recognize as “relationships” but which can impact your life. They may help you get an upgrade on your airline ticket or hotel room, help you avoid a traffic ticket, or improve your ability to achieve other “outcomes” you desire.
Years ago, I happened to be standing in line at an airport and watched a man aggressively tell the clerk that he had to get on a specific flight. The clerk had informed him that the flight was full. He postured, the clerk repeated what she had said, and the man left in a huff. The next person in line approached the clerk politely, stated his need to be on the flight and, was able to get a seat. This second customer approached the clerk as if he had a “relationship” with her.
Fluid versus concrete distinctions
The categories I have noted above and the examples I have given for each are in no way meant to be either definitive or rigid. They can overlap. For example, your co-worker can be a personal friend.
A suggestion: Avoid “labels” and think of all “connections” as “relationships”
As a general rule of thumb, I try to communicate to others that I see them as a “person” and not just as a “label” such as “employee”, “cop”, “clerk” and so forth. In other words, while the connection I have with this person may not last very long, if it is “meaningful”, it is still a “relationship”.
Indeed, I am suggesting that going forward you consider all important connections that you have with other people as “relationships”. When you do this, the importance you use as a lens through which you view that connection will have a significant impact on how you relate to the other person.
Why is this the case?
Well, there at least two reasons:
- When you define a connection with another person, you are viewing that connection as significant or worthy of attention.
- If a connection is significant, you will take some time to figure out what is going on with, how to make progress within, and how, possibly, to improve that connection.
That a connection is significant does not imply that it is positive, desirable, or healthy. As an example, that “jerk” at work may be someone whose cooperation you need to complete a project. While you might like to eliminate him (or her) from your life and consider the connection undesirable, negative, or unhealthy, it is still significant.
And, it is, therefore, a relationship.
The Attributes of a Relationship:
It is possible to gain a better understanding of the connection that constitutes the relationship by examining the various attributes which define your relationship.
I’ll discuss the attributes of a relationship in the next post.