An apology is a statement of regret and
sorrow for wronging someone. An apology letter is simply a written apology in the
form of a letter.
To be of much use an apology
letter needs to elaborate on the situation. While not necessarily lengthy,
it should spell out the offense and explain why it occurred.
Very importantly, the letter should contain an admission of responsibility
and a promise not to repeat the mistake. It should also show contrition,
for forgiveness, and, if appropriate, include recompense.
Generally a letter is not needed for a minor
faux pas, but rather for something major. Of course, what seems harmless to one person could
earth-shattering to someone else.
Should you write
Before starting a
letter you should ask yourself whether writing and sending one is the best approach
available to you.
There are other ways to handle a mistake:
- Essentially ignore it
- Verbally apologize in passing
- Send an "I'm Sorry" card with with little
or no elaboration
- Meet with the offended party and cover the
Unless a letter accomplishes more than
the alternatives there is little need to send one. Of course,
a letter can serve as prelude to meeting one-on-one, and it may be your
only choice if you cannot apologize in person.
It is also worth noting that writing a
letter can be useful even if you do
not intend to send it. This is because the writing process forces
you to reflect and helps you adjust
to the realities and consequences of what you have done. The worse
your mistake, the more benefit there is to this.
Finally, keep in mind that you should refrain from
sending someone a
letter if you are concerned about legal consequences. In some
situations your letter could amount to a confession of guilt or an
acceptance of liability.
Apology letter dynamics
If a letter of apology is needed, a serious
occurred. A letter offers you the chance to correct the
problem, so don't waste your opportunity. To this end, try to make
your letter as effective as possible by systematically exploring the dynamics involved.
What's in it for the
As a rule the recipient is looking for three things. First, he wants contrition, which has value as emotional payback. In other
words, he feels pain from what you have done and he wants you to feel
some too. The recipient knows apologizing is painful. So by apologizing,
you help balance the scale, at least emotionally.
Second, the recipient may expect material
payback. If your misdeed caused financial injury, it is only fair
that you compensate for losses. Even if money is not involved, it
may well be appropriate to give a gift of some kind. This is
especially true when your penitence alone does not outweigh the grief you
Third, the recipient is very much looking
for signs that you will not repeat your mistake. To demonstrate
that you will do better, your letter should show:
- You know that what was done was wrong
- You believe it was your fault
- You understand why you did it
- You have a concrete plan that will prevent it from happening again
- You are committed to making your plan happen
What's in it for you?
Whenever someone writes an apology letter
they write it in their own self-interest. Whether it's alleviating
guilt, salvaging a relationship, keeping a job, or staying out of jail, definite benefits
accrue to the writer. Don't kid yourself about this.
To write a letter that maximizes the
benefit to both you and your recipient:
- Be honest with yourself about what
you hope to gain, no matter what it might be
- Understand your recipient's goals and the fact that they deserve to be
met; resolve to meet them
- Realize that your letter is ultimately
an act of trading (for example, trading remorse for guilt relief)
- Try to create a
fair trade. If you give too much,
you will feel resentful. If you give too little, your letter will not
accomplish what you hope.
There are other reasons for approaching
your letter in this practical manner. It
forces you to take an objective look at what you did and the hurt you caused. It makes it less likely you will over promise and
as a result not deliver. Finally, it makes your letter more honest and
therefore more believable.
Writing your letter
Because apology letters are personal,
they should be heartfelt and plain-spoken, not subdued or muddled by
corporate speak. Nevertheless, they should also be organized, easy
to read and logical.
While letters of apology do not lend
themselves to rigid structure, most include:
- A recap of the misdeed
- An admission of guilt
- An explanation for why the offense
- A statement of remorse
- Reasons why the wrongdoing will not
- A request of the recipient (for example,
These items do not fall in a formal order, and sometimes not all are needed.
Letter length can vary
dramatically. Depending on the circumstances, a good letter may need
from a couple of hundred words up to a thousand or more.
- Be sincere. Your letter should reflect
your personality and writing style.
- Be coherent. Your letter will discuss
important things. The recipient should be able to understand what
- Be deliberate. Do not include
unnecessary material. Stick to content that helps achieve the
goals of the letter.
- Be honest. If you describe
situations, do so factually.
- Be logical. Conclusions you
reach in your letter should rest on common sense rather than depend on
- Be consistent. For example, don't
take responsibility for something and then backtrack later
in your letter.
- Accept the real possibility that
writing your letter will be painful. Let what you say
demonstrate your pain.
- Apologies are are serious business.
Only inject humor when you are sure it will help.
- Use correct grammar and check your
- Write your letter as soon as possible.
- Make a first draft and let your
thoughts flow. Wait several hours and read it, then edit as
- Put your letter on quality stationery and send it
- Handwrite it unless you have
- Make a copy and keep it.
Betrayal of trust
I asked the maintenance supervisor about
you and he said you were fired last month. He said one of the neighbors
told the manager about the incident involving your daughter.
As soon as he said that, I realized that
I had played a part in your losing your job here. The information about
your daughter could have only reached the manager because of me and my big
mouth. I'm sure you realized I was the one who betrayed you.
I certainly appreciated your spending
your own time investigating my complaint about the security lights. I also
appreciated your telling me that because you lived here you were
concerned, too. But what really made me feel grateful was the honesty you
showed about what you discovered. Namely, that your daughter and her
boyfriends had been unhooking the lights so they could have sex in back of
the building without being seen.
You were shocked and upset and guaranteed
me that you would put a stop to this.
I told you I would not betray your
confidence. Clearly, I did not keep my word. I could go through a lengthy
explanation as to why I broke my promise. I realize that any explanation I
give would just be an excuse. In all truth, there is no excuse. All I can
do is resolve never to cause a problem like this again. From now on I will
always think before I speak.
I am very sorry for the part I played in
the loss of your job. I was told that because of your firing you lost your
employee discount on your rent and were forced to move. I can never undo
the damage I have done to you and yours.
I was glad the maintenance supervisor had
an address where I could reach you. I was relieved when he said you landed
another job and were getting a fresh start.
Again, I apologize for betraying your
trust. I hope that as time passes you will find a way to forgive me.
Please take good care. Good luck with your new job.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but
this morning I ran over your son's bicycle as I was backing my pick up
truck out of the driveway. It is damaged beyond repair. I am
extremely sorry for this.
I was impressed that Tyler agreed to lend
Joe his new bike while Tyler went to summer camp. Joe enjoyed riding it
around the neighborhood yesterday. Unfortunately, instead of putting
it somewhere safe last night he left it behind the truck. I never saw
it. I wish I had.
I blame myself for what happened.
His mother and I have tried to teach him to respect people's
property. Even so, he's only eleven years old. It was my
responsibility to look behind the truck.
I called several stores and searched
online to get an idea how much a replacement would cost. I had no
idea how expensive that bike is. I'm embarrassed to admit I'm having
money problems. I won't be able to pay you for the bike for a couple
of months. Please accept this letter as my personal promise to
Joe is upset about
what happened. He understands that his failure to look after the
bike was the underlying reason for what happened. I told him
how much I would have to pay for a replacement. He will go without his allowance until the cost of the bike
Joe realizes that Tyler trusted him when
he lent him his bike. He knows your son will be angry and
hurt. When Tyler gets home, Joe said he plans to go see him and
apologize himself. Joe has learned some valuable lessons here.
I hope this incident won't stand in the
way of the friendship between the boys.
Deliberately not inviting someone
As you know my wedding is coming up soon.
What you do not know is that I am not inviting you, Lucy or your son,
Julian. I thought it only fair to let you know my decision before I mail
out the invitations next week.
This was not an easy decision to make and
it was not made lightly. I discussed this at great length with Mom, Dad
and our sisters, Sue and Diane. In case you are mystified about the reason
for not being invited, let me explain. Every time the family gets together
for holidays, birthdays or other occasions the three of you create
tremendous problems. You and Lucy invariably end up drunk and quite
disorderly. Julian is twelve and old enough to at least behave in public.
Sadly, this is not the case. The boy always makes a scene over something.
Then, you and Lucy beat Julian and scream obscenities at him. Repeated
promises to get your act together have been broken time after time. Need I
A wedding is supposed to be a happy
celebration of love and commitment. John and I want our day to be filled
with memories we will treasure in the years to come. If you and yours
attend, any prospect for a wonderful day will go up in smoke. You know I
speak the truth.
I leave it to you how to explain your
absence to others. If you want to say you weren't invited, that's fine. If
you choose to make up a plausible excuse, that's OK. It's your call.
I apologize for this decision. Personally, I never thought I would feel compelled to write a letter such
as this to anyone, much less my own brother.
I am sorry that you will not be there to
help me celebrate such a special moment in my life. When I get the wedding
photos there will be no pictures of you, Lucy and Julian standing at the
altar with the rest of us. Those photos will be a sad reminder that you
weren't there. It will always tug at my heartstrings.
I do not feel good about this choice. I am sorry for the hurt I know this
causes. I hope you will not turn this into a grudge that drives a wedge
between us or between others in the family.
I also want to make it clear that the three of you will not be excluded
from other family events. We are family and all of us will always care
about you. However, please gracefully honor my wishes and give me and John
our once in a lifetime moment.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Jefferson,
You two deserve a real apology from us.
Since we moved into our apartment you've had to endure a lot of bad
behavior on our part. Our frequent parties have not only been loud, but
have lasted into the early morning hours. Our guests have left bottles and
trash on the parking lot in front of the building. To make matters worse,
the trash has sometimes been knocked from our balcony onto yours. Since
you live directly under our place our inconsiderate behavior has affected
you the most.
You and the other neighbors have
complained to us about the partying. The apartment manager has put warning
notices on our door as well. As you know, the police have come by several
times and lectured us about the noise. We had parties like this at our
last apartment and got away with it, so we figured we could get away with
Well, what happened last night was a real
eye opener. It was clear that someone at the party dropped a lit cigarette
off our balcony. It fell into the landscape mulch around the bushes in
front of your apartment. It was horrifying to see how quickly the mulch
ignited and the bushes began to burn. Fortunately, we were able to put out
the fire without having to call the fire department. We were relieved that
no one was injured and the only property damage was to the bushes.
Obviously, we needed to be taught a
lesson and this frightening event did the trick. We know we have no right
to expect you to forgive us, but we sincerely apologize. We promise to
limit our parties to one per month, hold them only on Friday nights and
end them by midnight. We will also supervise the behavior of our guests
and clean up any trash that results from the parties.
We are going to each apartment in this
wing and apologize face-to-face. In addition, Megan and I will go to the
manager's office and offer to pay all costs associated with the bushes.
We hope you are willing to give us
another chance to be not just neighbors, but good neighbors.
John and Megan Stanton
Late for work
Dear Mrs. Peterson,
I'm sure you are getting fed up with my
excuses for being late. I know I'm trying your patience, and I'm in danger
of losing my job. I really like working here, and being a single Mom with
a two year old son, I cannot afford to be unemployed.
Clearly, my lack of punctuality is
unacceptable, and I have finally taken steps to address the problem.
example, I used to rush in at a minute to 8. Now my goal 7:30.
to get here early I can pretty much guarantee being ready when the shift
I'm also taking control of my childcare
problem. The woman who comes to my home to watch my son also has a problem
being on time. Whenever she is late, I'm late. My son adores her and I
have been dragging my feet about replacing her. Last week I put an ad in
the paper in hopes of finding someone more reliable. I have several likely
prospects I plan to interview at my home this weekend.
Finally, I'm thinking ahead about what
might make me late. I'm reminded of the time I ran out of gas on the way
to work. I couldn't call to explain or even call someone to help me.
Why? Well, my cell phone was dead. I had forgotten to charge it the night
before, just like I'd forgotten to gas up the car. Two problems that were
easily preventable, and will be prevented in the future.
All this being said, I again apologize
for the problems I have caused you, my co-workers and the company. I hope
you have noticed that I have been on time everyday this week. I promise
that I will continue to be on time everyday.
Unable to attend
I had been looking forward to our annual
"Dad's Weekend" with our kids at the theme park. Unfortunately,
Jack and I will have to skip the trip this year. I realize the planned
weekend is still a month away, but I felt I should give you as much notice
as possible. There is no reason why you and Sam should miss out on all the
fun just because we can't attend. Maybe you can ask another friend if he
and his children would like to go.
Naturally, Jack was upset when I told him
we weren't going. He asked for an explanation and I just told him the
truth-- we can't afford it. I was relieved when he didn't say anything
and just went to his room. I decided to write instead of calling.
want to take a chance that Jack would overhear our conversation. Children
should not have to worry about adult problems.
I don't need to tell you how bad the
economy is. Like many businesses our company is downsizing to survive.
powers that be have been going through one department after the next and
looking for cuts. Unfortunately, they are now in my department. Rumors are
flying and it's just a matter of time before I'm handed my pink slip.
You're a responsible family man. I know
you would agree with me that now is not the time for me to spend the money
if I don't have to.
I sincerely hope we'll be able to set up
another weekend trip with the kids next year. Don't worry yourself about
us. Jessica, Jack and I will be fine. Please give our warmest regards to
Katie and Sam.
I promise to keep in touch.
false educational credentials
Dear Mr. Mayo,
I apologize for the outright lie I told
you when I interviewed for the position of General Manager. I figured my
opportunity to advance had arrived when the company decided to fill from
within. With my bachelor's degree in business and seven years of proven
experience as Operations Manager, I thought the job was mine for the
The only problem was that candidates were
required to have an MBA and I didn't. I decided to "fix" this
problem by simply lying on my resume and in our interview. Because I have
been here seven years and have performed well I assumed my credentials
would never be checked, much less challenged. A few days after our meeting
I was surprised when your office called. I was told I was no longer in the
running because I lied about the degree.
When I hung up I was horrified and
humiliated. How could I have been so arrogant and dishonest? Besides, it
was presumptuous of me to think that I could successfully meet the
multifaceted challenges of the position without an advanced degree. If I
had managed to gain the job with such a blatant ruse, I would have
deprived a qualified candidate. A candidate who had spent the time to earn
his or her MBA. In addition, I would have done a disservice to the
My actions to falsify my educational
credentials have exposed a serious character flaw. I have been berating
myself ever since my lie was exposed. Somehow, the news has trickled out.
While no one has said anything to my face, I've received a lot of dirty
looks. It's been especially difficult to bear the cold shoulder of the
remaining candidates, each of whom really has a master's. I deserve their
anger, and I intend to apologize to them once a selection is made.
I do hope you won't hold this
transgression against me as I continue my employment here. I enjoy my work
and hope to put my abilities to good purpose further helping the company.
In the future, I promise that when I want to advance up the ladder I will
possess the additional education required.
Again, my utmost apology,