Origins of Guilt
be seen as the price we pay when our behavior violates some standard or
belief we hold. As long as our behavior is violating this standard, guilt
often, our standards are not very clear in our consciousness and we
question our behavior only in response to feelings of guilt and shame.
Therefore, we might not be aware that our standards are unrealistically
high. If we consciously observed our behavior or put ourselves into
the role of a compassionate friend we might not apply the same high
standards. We may come from a family that encouraged us to feel overly
responsible through blaming or finding fault whenever things went wrong.
Super-responsibility may have been seen as an asset as we grew up. The
down side is that throughout life, even a trivial infraction noticed
by some authority figure (parents, teachers, employers, etc.) instilled
in us a sense of failure, guilt, and diminished self-worth. We developed
an "Inner Critic" to protect ourselves by forestalling external
criticism. Whenever our behavior now violates a certain standard, we
sink into a low state and feel guilty and worthless, instead of revising
this standard or using our guilt experience for learning and improvement.
cause of guilt seems to have its origin in the "magical thinking"
of early childhood. As infants we learn that when we have a need (for
clean diapers, food, etc.), all we have to do is make a sound, and someone
comes to fill our need. Therefore, we learn to believe in our own power,
growing out of the reality that we are the "center of the universe".
This belief continues until our intellectual level (age six to nine)
allows us to start understanding other cause and effect relationships
in the world. We learn that we are not the cause, and therefore responsible,
for everything that happens. But some of us may have kept a certain
remnant of magical thinking, like for example "to expect anything
good will only bring bad", and vice versa. Even under the best
circumstances most of us retain a bit of magical thinking that contributes
to a sense of guilt, especially in response to a profound loss. "What
did I do to cause this?" "What could I have done to prevent
this?" These are reasonable questions for adults to be asking about
their effect on the world. Whether or not they torment us and undermine
our sense of worth may depend upon the degree of "magical thinking"
we retain from our childhood
cause of guilt is also connected with an "illusion of control".
We would rather believe that certain events in our life are a result
of our wrongdoing than that they are caused by inevitable circumstances.
The price we pay for this belief that we are in control is guilt.
guilt is the most difficult to deal with because we are not directly aware
that we feel guilty. We may notice it indirectly when we feel defensive
as we talk about something we have done. Projection is another way unconscious
guilt can manifest itself. We project when we blame someone else for something
that is related to our own action.
guilt may lead to destructive behavior such as alcoholism or working until
we drop, etc. These behaviors are a way of unconsciously saying, "I
am guilty; therefore, I am unworthy and should be punished".
no need to suffer from unreasonable or even reasonable guilt. The following
tools will help you conquer your guilt:
- You first
need to be fully aware that you feel guilty and recognize how
you might act out unconscious guilt.
you need to identify, as clearly as possible, just what it is
you believe you feel guilty of.
- The next
step is to ask yourself if your guilt is logical or not. This
gives you a different perspective from which to view your actions. Ask
yourself: "With the information and resources I had, did I do the
best I could?" These kinds of questions may appear ridiculous with
their obvious answer but they help you look at your guilt in a true
light. Many times, when we say our guilt out loud or write them down,
we can hear or see the illogic of them.
- Ask yourself,
"what was my intention when I made the decision or action
I feel guilty about?"
your standards when they conflict with your behavior. Look back at the
behavior you feel guilty about from the perspective of a compassionate,
non-judgmental friend. Then see whether you would apply the same
standards as before.
- It might
also be helpful to evaluate whether you may be carrying guilt or
shame from your childhood that distorts your perspective now. If
your standards seem too high, you need to tell your "Inner Critic"
to back off and lower these standards.
- If you
are afraid to lower your standards of behavior, you need to weigh out
the pros and cons by asking yourself in each situation, "What do
I stand to gain or lose if I lower them?"
- If your
standards seem clearly appropriate, you need to acknowledge that your
guilt was reasonable. Now you can use your experience for learning
and improving your behavior.
the only answer is to ask for forgiveness from a person or from
God. This helps you to forgive yourself.
meditation or engaging in a spiritual activity, you can learn to use
the power of presence to create an inner atmosphere of acceptance.
time to resolve guilt. You may have to go through these steps over and