LOVE LINGERS HERE: INTIMATE ENDURING RELATIONSHIPS XIX: THE INGREDIENTS OF ENDURING RELATIONSHIPS
Second Alice and Fred cite their commitment to the third entity (the couple). Their relationship stands strong, no matter what the individual disappointments or wavering in their commitment to each other may be. Through their relationship, Alice and Fred have an opportunity to “create something bigger” than themselves through various kinds of investments in their relationship. They share financial investments, emotional investments and two children. Thus, if they are conflicted regarding one of the developmental plates, they have other plates, in which they are currently performing in a satisfactory manner.
Most importantly, they keep a healthy perspective regarding these conflicts. At the heart of the matter is their somewhat detached perspective on and humor regarding the domains in which they are in conflict. Throughout our interviews we found that humor was often absolutely indispensable in keeping the partners from taking each other and their areas of conflict too seriously.
Third, Alice and Fred share a vision of the future and their future and their own growth together as a couple and individually as two maturing adults. Their values plate is mature and stable, serving grounding for their own life plans as they prepare for their senior years and their final stage of development as a couple. At the heart of their shared commitment to a specific set of values (and their own relationship in particular) are a set of simple ceremonies and rituals that they perform frequently in their relationship. These ceremonies and rituals serve as symbols and reminders of the special nature of their relationship.
Finally, and perhaps most importantly, Alice and Fred have a shared memory of the past. They can recall events that they have enjoyed’ together and hardships they have endured together. This “community of memory” serves as glue for their relationship and provides the substance for this third entity and their commitment to it. In essence, we must tend to the unique character of the relationship we have constructed, as well as the broader culture(s) that we bring to the relationship from our own societal upbringing.