For decades researchers and psychologists have been telling us to catch our kids doing something right and praise them for it. It’s supposed to be the positive reinforcement our kids need to grow healthy, happy, and resilient. But there’s a problem … at least a couple of decades of research has led to a growing consensus among researchers that praise is actually not good for our kids at all!
So suddenly all that stuff about positive reinforcement is out the door – right?
No, not necessarily. The researchers are right about both praise and criticism. They’re best avoided. But there are plenty of alternative things we can say that research and experience show are delightful for our kids to hear, and really can and do lead to resilient, balanced, happy kids.
So, here are five things we might focus on saying to our children as often as possible.
Gratitude is a powerful motivator. It makes our kids feel appreciated. And saying thank you also models manners and gratitude for them to follow. Saying thanks and explaining why you’re saying it can have a powerful impact on a relationship between parent and child.
I’m sorry. I’m still learning, just like you
Parents who act like they’re the finished product who are simply there to impart wisdom to their children leave their children feeling judged and imperfect. But when we acknowledge our mistakes and describe how we are learning to be better people because of those mistakes, our children learn that it’s OK to admit fault and try again. This is a powerful and important lesson for our kids.
I watched how much effort you put in – you seemed to give it all you had
Because parents want their children to succeed, it can be easy to always ask for more, demanding ever increasing levels of performance. The pursuit of perfection will always lead to disappointment. However, when we let our kids know we saw how hard they tried, and let them know we are satisfied while ever they do their best, they’ll be inspired to try – and they won’t feel bad if they fail. Instead, they’ll be open to learning how to do better.
Another great thing about this is it’s not the easy praise we often fall back on. It’s not the same as saying “you’re so smart/so talented/such a genius.” Instead, it’s acknowledging effort and process – and research shows this encourages more effort without focusing on results.
What do you think?
If we want to have responsible children, they need to be given responsibility. One of the most powerful ways to help them become responsible is to stop telling them what to do, and instead, to ask them what they think they should do. Then we can encourage them (or gently guide them). By asking them what they think, our children also develop a trust in their own opinions, ideas, and instincts.
I love you
Every child should hear this every day. But they shouldn’t just hear it. They need to see and experience evidence of it in all of their interactions with us.
As we say more of these beautiful and important things, and fewer of those harmful things we are sometimes tempted to say, our kids are more likely to grow up feeling secure, confident, happy and loved.
More parenting advice on Kidspot:
- Why you shouldn’t force your child to say sorry
- 5 minute fix: How to teach your kids manners
- Why too much praise can be demotivating
More related reading:
- Five things parents should NEVER say to their kids from Happy Families
- Why it’s a bad idea to praise children from Psychology Today
- Positive reinforcement: 9 things you shouldn’t say to your child from Parenting magazine
What things do you think are important for kids to hear from their parents on a regular basis?