A mother’s dream is to see her kids supporting each other and being best friends long after she is gone. I think that’s one of the biggest reasons why we all have more than one child, so they’ll have each other when that day comes. Sometimes, though, their sibling rivalry makes us worry that they’ll never manage to even get along, let alone become best pals. What can we do now to ensure that they’ll always be there for each other in the future? Below are 7 things you can do while they’re little that will help teach your kids to be friends for life.
7 Ways to Teach Your Kids to Be Friends for Life
Whether you’re just starting out on your journey of parenting more than one child or you’re already dealing with a hefty case of sibling rivalry, these tips will help teach your kids to be friends both now and as grownups.
1. Never (ever, ever, ever) compare one child to another
First things first. Never ever compare one of your kids to another. In other words, don’t say things like, “Your sister never gets in trouble at school, why do you?” or “Why can’t you be more like Susie? She always keeps her room clean.”
Even if you don’t mean to do so, comparing your kids to each other makes them feel like you definitely have a favorite. That, more than anything, builds major resentment and causes a massive rift between your kids that can last well into their adulthood. For example, a 2015 Bringham Young University study found that parents’ comparisons can actually set the course for their childrens’ entire academic life and influence who they will become.
Alex Jensen, the lead author of the study, wrote, “It’s hard for parents to not notice or think about differences between their children, it’s only natural. But to help all children succeed, parents should focus on recognizing the strengths of each of their children and be careful about vocally making comparisons in front of them.”
2. Encourage their mutual interests…
This is a two-part tip, hence the ellipses. First, definitely encourage mutual interests. If both Tommy and Susie love science fiction stories, start a family book club. If they both adore hiking, plan weekly (or even monthly, if time is tight) family trips to the local trail.
Basically, make sure they have an opportunity to indulge in their shared interests together. Along with giving them something that they both enjoy doing together now, you’re also making strong memories for them to reflect on later.
3. …but also teach your kids that it’s okay to have “nothing in common.”
Of course, sometimes kids literally just have no shared interests. Maybe one of your daughters loves princesses and pink dresses while the other loves scary books and gets her fashion advice from Wednesday Addams. Perhaps they’re passionate about different sports. My daughter is into gymnastics, my son plays tennis.
Teach your kids that it’s absolutely fine to have “nothing in common.” Some of the best friendships involve two people who are polar opposites. Encourage your kids to cheer each other on, even if they have no idea what “love” means in tennis or what a “front handspring” is.
Remind them that even if they feel like they’ll never share a single interest, they do in fact have one thing in common: you! Which brings us to…
4. Let them “gang up” on you!
Kids love to gang up on us parents, don’t they? Even two children who rarely speak to each other make brilliant co-conspirators. While it’s frustrating to listen to a chorus of “please, please, please” after you’ve already said “no” to something, that act of ganging up on you is actually a terrific bonding experience for kids.
Here’s the part you may not love- let them succeed sometimes (as long as it’s safe, of course). Yep, even if you already said “no” to their fervent request. It’s worth it to lose a few “parenting consistency” points by letting them triumph over you. They’ll feel like they’ve accomplished something together that they couldn’t have done alone.
Plus, letting kids (all kids) win arguments from time to time helps them develop good negotiating skills later in life. In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics even agrees. In an article on HealthyChildren.org about family arguments, they write,
Let your child win sometimes. When you and your youngster argue, you need to do more than listen to her point of view; when she presents a persuasive case, be willing to say, “You convinced me. We’ll do it your way.” Let your youngster know that you value her point of view, and that through communication, conflicts can be resolved – and that sometimes she can win.
Of course, like all things in parenting, you have to use common sense here. Don’t let them convince you to do something dangerous, obviously. Wait until they ask for something reasonable, or something you’re already on the fence about. Maybe they’ve been asking for a puppy for ages, and you’re already “this” close to saying yes anyway. Rather than just giving in, encourage them to work together to present their argument. Then tell them that they’ve convinced you.
5. Eat together as a family as often as possible
You already know that studies show eating together as a family at least four times a week makes kids more successful as adults. It’s also a great way to teach your kids to be friends for life. During those meals, even kids who rarely spend time together throughout the rest of the day have a chance to catch up and learn more about each other’s passions.
In fact, these family meals are especially important for developing a bond between two kids who don’t have much in common. During the rest of the day, they can often feel like little more than tiny roommates sharing the same space and set of parents. Family meals help them actually feel like a family.
While just sitting down together at the same table is enough to reap the rewards, take it a step farther by playing conversation games. You’ve heard of “high/low,” right? Basically, everyone shares both the best and the worst thing that happened to them that day. I like to focus on the positive, so I prefer “two highs and one low.” Encourage your kids to celebrate each other’s wins and empathize with the not-so-great things. If you need more ideas, Smithsonian Magazine has a great list of games to play around the dinner table. Just adapt them for your kids’ ages a bit.
6. Don’t take sides
Even if you do all of the above, your kids are going to argue from time to time. Hey, it happens even among the very best of friends! Just like it’s vital to never make comparisons, it’s absolutely imperative that you do not take sides(unless one child literally just bonked the other on his head with a firetruck or something, of course).
Most of the time, your job as a parent isn’t to decide which child was in the right, but rather to remain an impartial mediator. As I said, if one kid hit the other for no reason other than the fact that he was there, then yeah, you’ll kind of have to take sides. Just make sure you do it in a way that shows both kids that you love and support them equally. Make it about the action, not the child.
However, if they’re just arguing over which cartoon is the coolest (a debate that can get oddly heated), follow the next tip closely.
7. Stay out of disputes as much as you can*
I know you want to step in and make everything better when you see your kids fighting, but you can actually do more harm than good. A friend once said to me, “Kids fight and get over it within minutes. Parents step in and they end up hating each other for months.” Now, she was referring to two kids and parents from different families, but the spirit of the sentiment still applies to siblings.
Basically, unless you see blood flying (or about to fly), stay out of it and wait to see what happens. Your kids could get into a vicious screaming match about cartoons and stomp off into different rooms. Then, three minutes later, they’re back to playing like best friends again. If you get involved, though, the fight lingers on.
There are discussions about feelings, forced apologies, resentment because one kid feels like you took the other one’s side. Then, they’re annoyed that their precious free time was filled up with discussions about feelings and apologies and resentment, which leads to more resentment. You get the point. A fight that would have been over in minutes has now taken the entire day to resolve.
So, like I said unless one child has or is about to direly injure the other, stay out of it and wait to see how it unfolds.
* Some parenting experts believe the complete opposite, that we should take sides and get involved in disputes because our kids aren’t born knowing how to resolve conflicts. So, before you follow those last two tips, first lay the groundwork necessary to help your kids learn how to fight “fair.” If this is their very first fight, then get involved only enough to make sure they have the tools needed to resolve it on their own. Give them guidance, remind them of your family rules (be respectful to each other, no hitting, etc).
If your kids break those rules in subsequent fights, you can step in with a gentle reminder. But beyond that, step back and give them a chance to resolve it on their own.
Even kids who fight like cats and dogs can become best friends later in life
If you notice, these ways to teach your kids to be friends for life have a few common threads. They teach your kids to find shared passions but accept that sometimes opposites attract. They help them create memories to draw on as adults. Most importantly, though, they teach kids that they’re entirely capable of resolving their own issues together.
That is so important for when the day comes that you can’t resolve problems for them.
Here’s something that will make you feel better if you’re worried that your kids will never like each other. Growing up I used to fight with my sister so much! But now we are best friends!
This is how I was raised because their were 8 of us and if you started trouble or you tattled on each other you got in as much trouble as the other one did. You were loved and you were expected to share and respect each other. No matter what happens or or someone said something about any of us. We stood as one. But the 7 rules of raisen a child are right on point and I did the same with my children. Thank for the reminder, it been wonderful to think about it good old days. I wish more people would follow those rules and also the golden rule. This world would be so much better off and treat everyone as a equal no matter who or what you are.
Lynda Richter says
I grounded my kids from one another for fighting, took the disputed toy away for a week, consequenced both for fights. I am not a detective. Someone started this 3 days ago and I don’t have the patience to find out who. Being grounded from 1 another when we lived in the CO mountains and on a WI farm was highly effective. The simply WAS no one else.
Paulene Shedd says
the best advice is the one about sharing meals…..more memories are made around the dining room table than any other place as a family. We had a very large family 10 of us plus we always had cousins or someone else staying with us, It was so much fun. I feel sorry for kids that did not grow up in large family.
Susan Gowan says
Thanks for the article. I am sure it will help many parents who have sibling rivalry issues. As an only child I never understood sibling rivalry. When my kids would stsrt fighting in front of usI ordered them to their shared room to fight there. Pretty soon we would hear giggling and fun sounds. No audience, not much point in fighting! Miss those days!
I agree but when your child’s significant other causes issues between the siblings most of the time it doesn’t work out. I have a child where their significant other divided the whole family! It’s very sad!
Oh Marie, I get it because the same thing happened in my family! It is very sad and that is why I don’t believe when people say blood is thicker than water. I hope everything works out for your family.
And it’s especially sad when your sibling and their spouse have their children dislike you because your feuding with both of them and years pass and their kids have a lack of respect towards you and your spouse. Which causes more conflict with the family. The disagreement should have been between two adult siblings. Children should never be involved.
Patti DeNike says
I did too😢 There is literally nothing I can do. So sad….
Mary Mohr says
Same here, I haven’t been able to know how to fix it.
Agree with everything except family dinner. I HATED it as a kid. Trying to juggle when even my daughter and I can have dinner together is just added stress. We find other times of the day to catch up. As long as we do that dinner doesn’t need to be part if the equation.
elaine Gudbrandsen says
Growing up my mother did the exact opposite of all of the seven principles that are listed in this article. My brother and I are 10 years apart in age and a million years apart in every other way.
When my mother died I learned that all her assets have been left to my brother. She had left me a token amount in her will;however my brother talked her into revoking that sum two weeks prior to her death.
All my life I tried to win her love and affection and received a load of mental ,emotional and physical abuse. I have struggled with these issues all my life even though I have sought counseling and received a MS degree in counseling.
Recently I discovered that my birth was the result of an affair she had while married to my father,the man who raised me educated me,even though he was aware of the affair.
He was the only one who ever cared about me;however once my brother was born,he turned all his attentions to him because he was the male heir. IEven though it was said my brother was also the result of an affair with yet another man.
My consolation is that I grew up to be,I hope,a decent person and that I did not treat my children the way I was treated.
Love your story and your strength and vulnerability. I’m the middle, adopted & my sharing would be a bit too long. ❤️❤️
Paulene Shedd says
you are so wrong. Later it life you will learn from your daughter what you missed.
Vicki Wells says
I loved the dinners together ❤ fun time had by all!
My siblings and I did many things together and are still very close.
My own children had quite a rivalry gowing on and still do!
They are so very different and they clash but my hope is they will draw closer as time goes on.
i grew up poor,materially
but i was rich in so much
a mom and dad
the bush,the creek
an old car in the pasture
we ate together,
Creative Healthy Family says
That sounds like a rich life to me!
Rita Liggins says
Beautiful and so true🥰👍🏽
Rosa Goff says
I love the honesty of Elaine’s comments and can truly relate. I must have been a very difficult child. Never felt really loved by my mother. I was sexually molested as a small child, but I was blamed for it. My mother reminded me daily as she left for work, “Don’t be playing ugly”, for YEARS! I actually did not do anything except to protest the sexual abuse by a cousin who was an only child, by only a few months older than me. . I did nothing wrong except to tell him I would not do what he asked. He wanted me to stick my finger in his butt. When I said NO! He begged, saying it would feel good, but I refused saying that’s nasty. My sister overheard part of the conversation and reported to my parents. In my 70’s today, it still makes me so sad. No one asked me what actually happened, they assumed it was me. Looking back and gaining knowledge, I realize that the boy was being abused in his home, most likely by his mother who was divorced and not very smart. I can almost imagine her doing that to calm a crying baby. Also, I was constantly compared to my older sister. Middle child. I’m sure my parents wanted a boy, but instead they got me, another girl. Then along came my younger brother. It was like I was tolerated, but not treated like my older sister or baby brother. When I told my mother that I had enrolled in college to study architecture, she commented in her disappointed voice that she always wanted me to be a teacher, “like your sister”. I brought her into my home in her later years to take care of her. She was no longer able to live alone. . It was the first time she got to know me and show some love, even though, it was still limited. My sister would come over to visit. One day we go into an argument. I have PTSD and must avoid all conflicts. After my sister left, I looked to Mama and asked her why she did not stand up for me because she knew the truth. My sister had left in anger. That’s when Mother affirmed that I was correct in that disagreement. I truly believe my mother was afraid of my sister’s temper. I was the only one who would stand up against her. Mother’s last wish was for us to get along. I told my sister that we would do that, as long as she stayed away from me and I would distance myself from her. My sister is one who thinks that making another look bad, makes her look better.
I raised 2 very successful children, one in medicine, the other, a doctorate in business administration. My sister’s children were HS dropouts. I will stop here. I have a beautiful life with children that love and respect me. I was certainly not a perfect mother, however, my children were and will always be my top priority and will always know that I love them, unconditionally.
God bless you. Sounds like you were the better person. I can relate with you, in some of these areas. I’m so happy and proud that You became successful and, hopefully, happy
Omg ur storey really touched me , I’m so sorry U had to experience wat U did n still no doubt would struggle to n have to manage on a daily basis, ur mum sounds like she was really something else back in her day ! God rest her soul , for whatever reasons ,it was wat it was n is wat it is still, U grew to be a kind decent human being with good ethics and morals , someone by the sounds I would very much look up to be inspired by and damn proud to say was my mum, and could not imagine the pain n tears in ur lifetime you’ve had to feel n shed , how U must of felt then n do now , as a parent none of us would want that for any child lil lone our own , stand tall n proud for U r the product of success n teller of ur own storey , I hope u find the peace U so deserve …..beautiful person came from all of it though …n that’s U x kind regards
Creative Healthy Family says
Thank you so much for your comment.
Arnold Miller Cabral says
People and Veterans who read this can you please Spread my belief email your Senators or Representative asked them to contact the Veterans Affairs Committee passed a new Disabled Veterans Law for Disabled Veterans who is lOO percent service connected need to get to have a Dentist knows how to put in G4implants for free because they don’t have one works for a Veteran Medical Centers Dentistry or don’t have a contract with the Veteran Affairs Administration and if a Disabled Veterans who is lOO percent service connected don’t get the G4implants it definitely cause really bad Swallowing Problems plus really bad Gum Disease also it really bad Hearts Problems….Thanks for your Support and Stay Healthy as possible and be careful of the Virus.
I’m a 50 year old woman. My brother is 6 years younger than me. We were the best of friends. Nobody ever picked on my brother when we were younger, I always had his back. We had a 6th sense, and could pick up on how we were feeling. My mother always made a difference with us. She always took sides. I was always in the wrong. But that never made me love my little brother less. We haven’t spoken for along time now, and I miss him terribly. I have 2 children, a boy and a girl. When I am gone, they will need to be there for each other. So let your children be, let them be best friends, let them argue and fight, let them be there for each other. They are family
Another tip: don’t be a disciplinarian with one and let the other get away with everything. Growing up, I was raised pretty strictly while my little brother was spoiled.
He was allowed to smash my toys with impunity. On another occasion he took my new 10-speed without permission and it was stolen bc he didn’t lock it up. My parents replaced my bike with with a beat up, used 3-speed.
It should come as no surprise that as adults we have little to do with each other, which frankly suits me fine.
Bea Smith says
I have 6 sons and 0 daughters and they are each others best friend! My oldest is now 72 and the youngest 60. They always did things together!! They all live close to each other! I am happy I lived this Long to see all this. I am 92 soon to be 93 in 3 months. People always said are you sorry you didn’t have a girl. NO NO NO! Who could have such a wonderful close, loving family and want something different! Each one calls everyday to see if I need anything! All come to see me !
Barbara Volkomer says
I wish I knew the answer. I know several families where kids always were friends. Now that they older they do not call, visit or care. Is it the TIMES? Everyone seems selfish, Everyone is busy. No time for family. Years ago there were family dinners or Sunday visits. Not anymore. Too much cell phone????? It makes it hard on their parents to see such not caring. We grew up around loving relatives not this generation. SAD
Good technique and rules for guidance in sibling relationships. Sometimes it is impossible for some siblings to get along no matter what!
Going by your comments in the introduction, my children should be the best of friends, but as much as I would like they all don’t get on, not anyore anyway. Got to the stage the harder I tried the worst it became, breaks my heart every day.
M Grubbs says
I was raised by a mother who played her children against each other and I was the black sheep of the family. My parents are gone and I only have A relationship with 1 sister (5 siblings). I vowed to keep my children together. We have frequent family gatherings. This Saturday we are doing a pumpkin carving. The grandchildren will spend time together creating scary creatures of their pumpkin and we will judge the most creative, scariest etc
They will each get a prize. We will have a bingo game and feast on homemade soup and chili. We t make time to plan gatherings and enjoy each other. I don’t criticize one to another. Each family member is important and deserves our respect. Try it! Spend quality time together and create happy memories. We now have 18 in our crew!
When you have an ADD child that has anger issues, there isn’t a lot of hope of having happy families together.
Growing up, my dad had MS and died early and it was just my mom and myself. As long as I can remember I wanted a big family. After I had my daughter, I had a son three years later. She was always jealous of him, and to this day, she’s rejected him and his wife and 2 children.
It’s sad for everybody