Why does my toddler get aggressive?Shocking as it may be to you (and others), aggressive behaviour is a normal part of your toddler's development. His still-emerging language skills and a fierce desire to be independent can lead to frustration, and anger. Add undeveloped impulse control into the mix and your toddler's hitting or biting is completely normal.
That doesn't mean you should ignore it, of course. Let your toddler know that aggressive behaviour is unacceptable and help him to develop other ways to express his feelings.
How can I stop my toddler being aggressive?Reward good behaviour
Rather than giving your child attention only when he's misbehaving, praise him for being good whenever you can. For example, when he asks to have a turn on the swing instead of simply pushing another child out of the way. Aim to give your toddler the most attention for positive behaviour, and cut the time you spend on negative behaviour.
Heap praise on him when he says what he wants, and be specific and honest with it ("Well done for asking to have a go!"). Remember also to praise his efforts to do something even if he doesn't manage to pull it off. ("Well done for asking the little girl if you could have a turn. I know she didn't answer and you got frustrated, didn't you?") This helps your toddler to build confidence and feel good about himself. In time, he'll realise how powerful words can be.
Use the following tactics to deal with undesirable behaviour:
Follow up aggressive behaviour with logical consequences
If your child gets into the ball pit at the indoor play centre and starts throwing balls at the other kids, take him out. Sit down with him and watch the other children play. Explain that he can go back in again when you both feel he's ready to join the fun without hurting anyone.
Try not to reason with your toddler, for example, by asking him, "How would you like it if she threw the ball at you?"
Toddlers aren't yet able to put themselves in another child's place or to change the way they behave based on reason. This cognitive maturity doesn't usually happen until children are four or five. But toddlers can understand consequences.
Keep your temper
Shouting, hitting or telling your child he's naughty won't get him to change his behaviour. He'll just get more riled and learn, from you, new things to try. In fact, watching you control your temper may be the first step in learning to control his.
Set clear limits
Try to respond immediately whenever your toddler is aggressive. Don't wait until he hits his brother for the third time. He should know straight away when he's done something wrong. Try to talk to him in a positive way ("The rule is kind hands" or "Please use your indoor voice"). Warn him that if he goes on hitting he won't be able to play with his brother. If he doesn't stop, remove him from the situation for a minute or two. Explain to him that what he did was wrong. Then let him let him go back.
Whenever you can, react to each episode the way you did before. Your predictable response ("The rule is gentle hands, remember") will set up a pattern that your toddler will recognise and come to expect. Even when you're out and mortified by your child's behaviour, don't lash out at him through embarrassment. Remember, other parents have been there too. If people stare, simply say, "Anyone want a two-year-old?"
Wait until your toddler has settled down, then talk calmly about what happened. Help him to name his emotions, listen to what he is telling you and accept his feelings, even if they are angry ones. Ask him if he can explain what made him upset. Stress that it's natural to have angry feelings but it's not fine to show them by hitting, kicking or biting. Help him to find a better way to respond, perhaps by talking about it ("Tommy, you're making me angry!") or asking an adult to help.
Ask your toddler what the rule is
Once he's lashed out he will probably be happy to tell you what the rule is, even if he didn't follow it. Asking him to remember the rule reinforces the behaviour you expect and, gradually, this will sink in. It may even be better than demanding an (often insincere) apology.
Limit screen time
Cartoons and other shows for young children can be filled with shouting, threats, even pushing and hitting. Limit the amount of screen time your toddler has, and monitor what he watches, particularly if he's prone to aggression. Some guidelines recommend that children aged two and under should have no screen time at all.
If and when you do let your child watch television, watch it with him and talk about what you saw afterwards. ("That wasn't a very good way for him to get what he wanted, was it?")
Help your toddler to be active
Unless your toddler gets a chance to burn off his abundant energy, you may find he's a terror at home. Give him plenty of unstructured play time, preferably outdoors, whatever the weather, to let off steam. Guidelines recommend that children under five should be active for at least three hours a day, every day.
As well as being active it's also important to encourage your toddler to have down time, playing quietly by himself. Doing so means he learns to stimulate his imagination and to amuse himself without relying on you. While any time can be good, transitions from lunch to nap time, or supper to bedtime are ideal.
Don't be afraid to seek help
Sometimes, aggressive behaviour requires more intervention than a parent can provide. If your toddler often behaves aggressively, upsets other children, or if your efforts to curb his behaviour have little effect, talk to your doctor. She may refer you to someone who specialises in child behaviour.
Together, you can get to the bottom of the behaviour and help your toddler through it. Remember, he is still very young. If you work with him patiently, the chances are that his violent outbursts will soon be a thing of the past.
Last reviewed: May 2013
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DH. 2011. Physical activity guidelines for early years (under 5s) - for children who are capable of walking. London: Department of Health. www.nhs.uk [pdf file, accessed May 2013]
DoE. 2012. Developmental matters in the early years foundation stage. Department of Education. www.education.gov.uk [pdf file, accessed May 2013]
GIG Cymru NHS Wales. 2011. A psychological guide for families: behavioural difficulties in children. Child and Family Psychological Health Service. www.wales.nhs.uk [pdf file, accessed May 2013]