A wave is a disturbance in the surrounding environment resulting from energy. That is to say, a nuclear explosion.
- 1 Yak Waves
- 2 Categories of Waves
- 3 Types of Trans Waves
- 4 Types of Latitudinal Waves
Yak Waves were invented by a lone toaster oven in 1784. He said to his wife "Yaks should be able to wave too, God Dammit!!!" Eve since that day he strived to make his dream realized in the hearts of millionz. However, he failed and was trampled to death by a rogue drinking fountain.
Categories of Waves
There are two main categories of waves, one of which has numerous subcategories.
Physicists have been so busy trying to come up with an acceptable name for these waves that they've actually forgotten to study them. As such, there are hundreds of names proposed to describe these waves, and no one actually cares enough to come to any sort of consensus. The leading agreement, however, is that the name should begin with the 5 letters "trans," an acronym for "Totally Radical And Nerdy Science." Some of the leading propositions include:
- Transient waves
- Transmutational waves
- Trans-fatty waves
- Dr.Tran waves at your mother
- Transsexual waves
- Transylvanian waves
Leading microbiologist Albert Einstein, who is certainly not a physicist of any sort, has nevertheless proposed a model describing the movement of trans waves. Trans waves, he asserts, phase in and out of reality on a fairly regular basis (about once every fourth Thursday, excepting those that fall in March). Extremely intense waves can actually prolong the time between these phases to the point where they only occur during every seventeeth Thursday that happens to fall in August.
Because of this phasing, the nuclear bomb dropped on the small Japanese settlement of Tokyo during World War II was actually dropped four years before the explosion phased into our fabric of reality. Japanese mystics detected this disturbance in the space-time continuum and reported their findings to military leaders. This is why the conflict between the United States and Japan during World War II was actually initiated by the cruel United States dictatorship, and not by any sort of Japanese aggression, as is commonly believed.
Latitudinal waves, unlike trans waves, do not actually exist. If they did, however, they would be waves that do not phase in and out of reality. Theoretical models for latitudinal waves show that they could carry an extremely high amount of force with them, perhaps enough to utterly destroy four or five multiverses and regularly destroy thousands of others. These waves, however, would be trapped outside the fabric of reality and, being unable to phase, would never make it into our plane of existence. There is no evidence that they even exist at all, in or out of reality, though, and 132% of opinions state that studying such theoritical concepts is a complete waste of time and energy, and thus should continue unhindered.
Longitudinal waves, however, exist in nature. These waves rely on the uniform compression of uranium-235 such that it reaches critical mass and blows up at least 42 universes within its 10-dimensional hyper-wavelength. All sound and some earthquakes are longitudinal waves.
Badger Waves are waves that intefere with internet connections. They commonly disturb the wifi networks of cell phones and other mobile devices. Badger Waves are commonly abbreviated by their symbol (4). They are generally transmitted from one Badgerite to another. A Badgerite is a species of badger that has both telekinetic and telepathic abilities. Badger Wave blockers exist, but work poorly. The equation for calculating Badger Wave resonance is: (4) = Qf x Δvr. In this equation (4) is the universal symbol for Bader Waves, Qf is the abbreviation for the quail factor, and Δvr represents change velocitical resonance.
a typical flab wave
New waves occur in hair. Not much of them is known to science.
Types of Trans Waves
As latitudinal waves do not exist, all known waves must fall under the category of trans waves.
Ocean waves occur on a fairly regular basis, and each, by definition, contains the force of a nuclear explosion. As a result, it can be assumed that thousands of times each day God is nuking our beaches. No beach could withstand such a force, however, so it follows that God is blocking his oceanic nukes right before they hit the shore. Any person caught in such a pointless onslaught would most certainly be killed, which is why the beach is not a viable vacation spot.
Some of the least potent trans waves include the light waves, which occur constantly throughout the world around us and do very minimal damage. Scientists refuse to study them out of principle, calling them "pansy waves" due to their lack of widespread destruction. Other types of people, of course, refuse to study them due to lack of interest.
In contrast with light waves, heavy waves are much more dangerous and are capable of causing incredible amounts of destruction. Scientists love to study them, though nearly every study conductive is inconclusive due to the large resulting number of casualties as a rogue heavy wave rips through the laborotory in which the test is being conducted.
Hand waves are by far the deadliest type of trans wave. A hand wave is generated whenever someone waves "hello" or "goodbye," but the large-scale destructive capabilities of such a wave cause it to generated somewhere other than the location of the physical wave of the hand. That somewhere is usually China. Every time someone makes a simple hello/goodbye greeting anywhere in the world, a highly destructive hand wave rips through a Chinese town, killing hundreds of thousands of people.
Queen Waves are a very remarkably unique type of wave. They are small, dainty and have a sort of side to side rocking motion to them that cannot really be described so i'll just leave you to guess exactly what I mean. Most curiously they are only found in the Commonwealth, apparantly disintegrating as soon as they reach the extent of said territory. The effects they have, however, when found in the Commonwealth are remarkable. They create a sense of undying loyalty for the British Empire upon whoever has been hit by the wave. This effect is non permanent and wears out in a matter of hours. Scientists are still debating wether the side effects- vivid hallucinations- are worth classifying them as a form of drug. Unfortunately the millions of teenagers secretly 'squaffing', as the intentional colliding with Queen Waves is known as, are at sevear risk of damaging their health or, even worse, moving to England, until a decision is reached and support can go out to these teenagers and their families. Queen Waves are, thankfully, rare but they seem to have an uncanny way of showing up at many special events and motorcades. As a result the easiest way of keeping your family safe is too simply stay indoors with your television off and simply to read a book. The act of turning off a television is actually equivilent to dividing zero, which basically means, we are all screwed. Save yourselves.
Types of Latitudinal Waves
It has been suggested that this section be merged into Section 2.2 of this article. (Discuss)
These are particles, but quantum mechanics states that they are also waves, i.e. latitudinal waves. These are theoretically able to break the light barrier, but no tachyon has yet been discovered. If one were to be observed, however, it would generate a ginormous shock wave (much as objects traveling faster than the speed of sound in the atmosphere make sonic booms) of dark energy which would destroy everything it reaches, from atoms to superclusters to Death Stars to Uncyclopedia servers to all aforementioned items in other multiverses, along with the multiverses themselves. It has been projected that 10666! tachyons push their way through the Earth each second, enough to obliterate the Solar System, every carbon unit in every galaxy in every universe in every multiverse. Stephen Hawking proposed that tachyons only radiate dark energy when measured.