My existential crisis over turning 30 ended on Amazon.
Welcome to Stress Purchase of the Week: The weekly column where our editors share the items that they’ve bought because Monday Monday-ed, because our inbox can’t to get down to 0, because our dog barfed all over the passenger seat, because that fender bender was totally not my fault, because the Republic is crumbling — because there is nothing the instant gratification of retail therapy won’t fix.
I found turning 30 to be very stressful in a gross, privileged millennial sort of way. But rather than spend some time unpacking why, I took to Amazon and ordered a 1:1 scale replica of Iron Man’s helmet instead.
"WEARABLE!" the advertisement copy boasted.
"I, a fully grown adult woman, need to own this to feel better about myself," I responded, before handing Hasbro $97.88.
Some assembly was required; three AAA batteries needed to be installed which, in turn, needed a Phillips head screwdriver. For the five minutes it took me — sitting cross-legged on our living room floor while my boyfriend watched very patiently — to put everything together, I was basically Tony Stark. And I guess, in some ways, that’s kind of the point.
The author with her very responsible adult purchase.
I’m part of the 82 percent of people more likely to impulse shop when in a bad mood, who don’t regret their purchases, and who experience a mood boost in the act. My purchases aren’t always practical (I own a bayonet for a .58 caliber Civil War era musket; I do not own the musket), but they do always have the intended effect. For what it’s worth, I do feel better after I click that checkout button. Each new superficial purchase means the consideration of an alternate reality that I can lose myself, even if it’s just temporary. There’s a moment of make believe we all engage in when we’re shopping for something that we want vs. something we need, as we visualize what our lives will be like with our new thing. How will I use it? How will I look using it? Where am I going to put it? Will it match my home, align with my current lifestyle? Will I still like it in a month? Does that even matter to me? Even considering these questions, alone, for less than two minutes in a store or in front of your computer is an escape from reality.
When purchasing an Iron Man helmet in lieu of, say, an expensive kitchen gadget or a splurge of a dress, the answers to these questions become odd. How will I use it? Several Amazon reviewers were careful to remind possible buyers that not only will this helmet not help you fight crime, it also won’t protect you if you fall off a motorcycle. It is, at best, an excellent cosplay accessory. At its most practical, it’s a great paperweight, and it does at least fit in well with the TARDIS USB, Star Trek mug, and assorted Funkopops littering my work desk. Otherwise? Well, no one looks good wearing a hundred dollar Iron Man mask. And since I scammed my way through high school and higher-ed without ever taking a physics class, I will never actually be Tony Stark — the superhero or the scientific genius who, at 30, was already 14 years out of college and running a billion dollar company. But he is a fictional character who exists in a universe in which I would probably be dead anyway (The Hulk destroys the entire vicinity of my first Harlem apartment in the first "Avengers" movie), and so maybe I, simply being alive at age 30, am doing just fine.
The helmet came with a brief escape, and perspective. Also, it lights up and makes noises, and two months later, I still think that’s cool, too.
Along with using a screw driver like Tony Stark, I drank like him too.
There's One Black Woman on 'GOT.' I Still Love it.
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