  Despite all its well-known flaws and calls for its dismissal, the notorious
$h$-index is still used in many instances when awarding grants, or promoting
and hiring scientists. To address this, I set out to devise a better index,
with the twofold aim of taking into account the authors' respective
contributions and considerably reducing the pollution of the scientific
literature. Finally, I present a strategy that is guaranteed to be best for all
researchers.
