  The PYTHIA Monte Carlo (PMC) has been applied broadly to simulations of
high-energy $p$-$p$ and $p$-$\bar p$ collisions. The PMC is based on several
assumptions, such as that most hadrons result from jet production (multiple
parton interactions or MPIs), that $p$-$p$ centrality is relevant and that
color reconnection (CR) strongly influences fragmentation to jets. An
alternative description is provided by the two-component (soft + hard) model
(TCM) of hadron production. TCM analysis of $p$-Pb ensemble-mean-$p_t$ data
reveals centrality trends quite different from those estimated via a geometric
Glauber model based on the eikonal approximation. Glauber estimates of
binary-collision number are three times TCM estimates. Detailed study of $p$-Pb
data conflicts with a basic Glauber assumption -- that a projectile proton may
interact simultaneously with multiple target nucleons. Instead, in both $p$-$p$
and $p$-A collisions, a $p$-N collision once initiated is exclusive of other
possible interactions (during that collision), and within the collision any
pair of participant partons may interact -- a $p$-N collision is thus "all or
nothing." In this presentation the PMC is challenged by an assortment of
contradictory data, and evidence for $p$-N exclusivity is reviewed to make a
case for the "preoccupied proton" of the title.
