  We propose two simple quirk models to explain the recently reported 750 GeV
diphoton excesses at ATLAS and CMS. It is already well-known that a real
singlet scalar $\phi$ with Yukawa couplings $\phi \bar X X$ to vector-like
fermions $X$ with mass $m_X > m_\phi/2$ can easily explain the observed signal,
provided $X$ carries both SM color and electric charge. We instead consider
first the possibility that the pair production of a fermion, charged under both
SM gauge groups and a confining $SU(3)_v$ gauge group, is responsible. If pair
produced it forms a quirky bound state, which promptly annihilates into gluons,
photons, v-gluons and possibly SM fermions. This is an extremely minimal model
to explain the excess, but is already in some tension with existing displaced
searches, as well as dilepton and dijet resonance bounds. We therefore propose
a hybrid Quirk-Scalar model, in which the fermion of the simple $\phi \bar X X$
toy model is charged under the additional $SU(3)_v$ confining gauge group.
Constraints on the new heavy fermion $X$ are then significantly relaxed. The
main additional signals of this model are possible dilepton, dijet and diphoton
resonances at $\sim$ 2 TeV or more from quirk annihilation, and the production
of v-glueballs through quirk annihilation and $\phi$ decay. The glueballs can
give rise to spectacular signatures, including displaced vertices and events
with leptons, photons and $Z$-bosons. If the Quirk-Scalar model is responsible
for the 750 GeV excess it should be discovered in one of these channels with 20
or $300 \mathrm{fb}^{-1}$ of LHC run 2 data.
