  We argue that the reported cases of Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) are
most likely due to the impact of the human body with an extremely high energy
particle like cosmic rays or Dark Matter. Normal and antimatter cosmic rays and
classical weakly-interacting massive particles (WIMPs) with energies of GeV to
ZeV can be easily ruled out due to their inability to dump enough energy into a
small region of human tissue, leaving as the single remaining candidate massive
Dark Matter particles. While primordial Black Holes would appear to be very
good candidates for inducing the SHC phenomenon, we show that the estimated
local Dark Matter density requires that the particles have masses of $\sim
10$\,kg, clearly ruling out this candidate. All of the other classic DM
candidates -- from scalar and pseudo-scalar spin 1/2 and spin 2 gauge singlets
to nuclearitic strange quark ``bowling balls'' -- can be ruled out. Axions
tailored to solve the CP-problem also cannot be invoked, no matter what mass is
considered. The only particles left are massive mega-axions (MaMAs), for which
there are an infinite number of possible string models.
