  We establish the connection between the Magellanic Clouds (MCs) and the dwarf
galaxy candidates discovered in the Dark Energy Survey (DES) by building a
dynamical model of the MC satellite populations, based on an extensive suite of
tailor-made numerical simulations. Our model takes into account the response of
the Galaxy to the MCs infall, the dynamical friction experienced by the MCs and
the disruption of the MC satellites by their hosts. The simulation suite
samples over the uncertainties in the MC's proper motions, the masses of the MW
and the Clouds themselves and allows for flexibility in the intrinsic volume
density distribution of the MC satellites. As a result, we can accurately
reproduce the DES satellites' observed positions and kinematics. Assuming that
Milky Way (MW) dwarfs follow the distribution of subhaloes in $\Lambda$CDM, we
further demonstrate that, of 14 observed satellites, the MW halo contributes
fewer than 4 (8) of these with 68% (95%) confidence and that 7 (12) DES dwarfs
have probabilities greater than 0.7 (0.5) of belonging to the LMC.
Marginalising over the entire suite, we constrain the total number of the
Magellanic satellites at ~70, the mass of the LMC around $10^{11}M_\odot$ and
show that the Clouds have likely endured only one Galactic pericentric passage
so far. Finally, we give predictions for the line-of-sight velocities and the
proper motions of the satellites discovered in the vicinity of the LMC.
