  Spontaneous collapse models and Bohmian mechanics are two different solutions
to the measurement problem plaguing orthodox quantum mechanics. They have, a
priori nothing in common. At a formal level, collapse models add a non-linear
noise term to the Schr\"odinger equation, and extract definite measurement
outcomes either from the wave function (e.g. mass density ontology) or the
noise itself (flash ontology). Bohmian mechanics keeps the Schr\"odinger
equation intact but uses the wave function to guide particles (or fields),
which comprise the primitive ontology. Collapse models modify the predictions
of orthodox quantum mechanics, whilst Bohmian mechanics can be argued to
reproduce them. However, it turns out that collapse models and their primitive
ontology can be exactly recast as Bohmian theories. More precisely, considering
(i) a system described by a non-Markovian collapse model, and (ii) an extended
system where a carefully tailored bath is added and described by Bohmian
mechanics, the stochastic wave-function of the collapse model is exactly the
wave-function of the original system conditioned on the Bohmian hidden
variables of the bath. Further, the noise driving the collapse model is a
linear functional of the Bohmian variables. The randomness that seems
progressively revealed in the collapse models lies entirely in the initial
conditions in the Bohmian-like theory. Our construction of the appropriate bath
is not trivial and exploits an old result from the theory of open quantum
systems. This reformulation of collapse models as Bohmian theories brings to
the fore the question of whether there exists `unromantic' realist
interpretations of quantum theory that cannot ultimately be rewritten this way,
with some guiding law. It also points to important foundational differences
between `true' (Markovian) collapse models and non-Markovian models.
