When Tempers Flare
Your mom just told you there's no way she's letting you
out of the house until you clean your room. What starts out as mild
annoyance (now you'll be late for Chrissy's party) turns
into red-hot anger as you pick up the magazines and dishes from
your floor. How dare she? You're not a child! Before you know
it, you've kicked a big dent in your closet door, broken a
dish, and yelled at your sister. Now you're grounded for the
whole weekend - plus, you feel terrible about the way you
So why did you fly off the handle so quickly? And why are there
days when you feel like you just wake up angry?
Some of it may be the changes your body's going through: All
those hormones you hear so much about can cause mood swings and
confused emotions. Some of it may be stress: People who are under a
lot of pressure tend to get angry more easily. Part of it may be
your personality: You may be someone who feels your emotions
intensely or tends to act impulsively or lose control. And part of
it may be your role models: Maybe you've seen other people in
your family blow a fuse when they're mad.
No matter what pushes your buttons, one thing is certain -
you're sure to get angry sometimes. Everyone does. Anger is a
normal emotion, and there's nothing wrong with feeling mad.
What counts is how you handle it (and yourself) when you're
Tools to Tame a Temper: Self-Awareness and Self-Control
Because anger can be powerful, managing it is sometimes
challenging. It takes plenty of self-awareness and self-control to
manage angry feelings. And these skills take time to develop.
is the ability to notice what you're feeling and thinking, and
why. Little kids aren't very aware of what they feel, they just
act it out in their behavior. That's why you see them having
tantrums when they're mad. But teens have the mental ability to
be self-aware. When you get angry, take a moment to notice what
you're feeling and thinking.
is all about thinking before you act. It puts some precious seconds
or minutes between feeling a strong emotion and taking an action
Together, self-awareness and self-control allow you to have more
choice about how to act when you're feeling an intense emotion
Getting Ready to Make a Change
Deciding to get control of your anger - rather than letting it
control you - means first taking a good hard look at the ways
you've been reacting when you get mad. Do you tend to yell and
scream or say hurtful, mean, disrespectful things? Do you throw
things, kick or punch walls, break stuff? Hit someone, hurt
yourself, or push and shove others around?
For most people who have trouble harnessing a hot temper,
reacting like this is not what they want. They feel ashamed by
their behavior and don't think it reflects the real them, their
Everyone can change - but only when they want to. If you want to
make a big change in how you're handling your anger, think
about what you'll gain from that change. More self-respect?
More respect from other people? Less time feeling annoyed and
frustrated? A more relaxed approach to life? Remembering why you
want to make the change can help.
It can also help to remind yourself that making a change takes
time, practice, and patience. It won't happen all at once.
Managing anger is about developing new skills and new responses. As
with any skill, like playing basketball or learning the piano, it
helps to practice over and over again.
The Five-Step Approach to Managing Anger
If something happens that makes you feel angry (like not being
allowed to go to a party until you clean your room), this approach
can help you manage your reaction. It's called a
problem-solving approach because you start with the problem
you're mad about. Then you weigh your choices and decide what
Each step involves asking yourself a couple of questions, then
answering them based on your particular situation. Let's take
the example from the start of this article: Your mom has just told
you to clean your room or stay home. You really want to go to that
party. The red-hot anger starts building.
Here's what to do:
1) Identify the problem (self-awareness).
Start by noticing what you're angry about and why. Put into
words what's making you upset so you can act rather than
What's got me angry? What am I feeling and why? You can do this
either in your mind or out loud, but it needs to be clear and
specific. For example: "I'm really angry at Mom because
she won't let me go to the party until I clean my room.
It's not fair!" Your feeling is anger, and you're
feeling angry because you might not get to go to the
Notice that this is not the same as saying,
"Mom's so unfair to me." That statement doesn't
identify the specific problem (that you can't go to the party
until you clean your room) and it doesn't say how you're
2) Think of potential solutions before
This is where you stop for a minute to give yourself time to manage
your anger. It's also where you start thinking of how you might
react - but without reacting yet.
What can I do? Think of at least three things. For example, in this
situation you might think:
(a) I could yell at Mom and throw a fit.
(b) I could clean my room and then ask if I could go to the party.
(c) I could sneak out to the party anyway.
3) Consider the consequences of each solution (think
This is where you think about what is likely to result from each of
the different reactions you came up with.
What will happen for each one of these options? For example:
(a) Yelling at your mom may get you in worse
trouble or even grounded.
(b) Cleaning your room takes work and you may get to the party late
(but hey, arriving late may add to your mystique). With this
option, you get to go to the party
your room's clean so you don't have to worry about it for a
(c) Sneaking out may seem like a real option in the heat of anger.
But when you really think it through, it's pretty unlikely
you'd get away with being gone for hours with no one noticing.
And when you do get caught - look out!
4) Make a decision (pick one of your options).
This is where you take action by choosing one of the three things
you could do. Look at the list and pick the one that is likely to
be most effective.
What's my best choice? By the time you've thought it
through, you're probably past yelling at your mom, which is a
knee-jerk response. You may have also decided that sneaking out is
too risky. Neither of these options is likely to get you to the
party. So option (b) probably seems like the best choice.
Once you choose your solution, then it's
time to act.
5) Check your progress.
After you've acted and the situation is over, spend some time
thinking about how it went.
How did I do? Did things work out as I expected? If not, why not?
Am I satisfied with the choice I made? Taking some time to reflect
on how things worked out after it's all over is a very
important step. It helps you learn about yourself and it allows you
to test which problem-solving approaches work best in different
Give yourself a pat on the back if the
solution you chose worked out well. If it didn't, go back
through the five steps and see if you can figure out why.
These five steps are pretty simple when you're calm, but are
much tougher to work through when you're angry or sad (kind of
like in basketball practice when making baskets is much easier than
in a real game when the pressure is on!). So it helps to practice
over and over again.
Other Ways to Manage Anger
The five-step approach is good when you're in a particular
situation that's got you mad and you need to decide what action
to take. But other things can help you manage anger too.
Try these things even if you're not mad right now to help
prevent angry feelings from building up inside.
Go for a walk/run, work out, or go play a sport. Lots of research
has shown that exercise is a great way to improve your mood and
decrease negative feelings.
Listen to music (with your headphones on).
Music has also been shown to change a person's mood pretty
quickly. And if you dance, then you're exercising
and it's a two-for-one.
Write down your thoughts and emotions.
You can write things in lots of ways; for example, in a journal
or as your own poetry or song lyrics. After you've written it
down, you can keep it or throw it away - it doesn't matter.
The important thing is, writing down your thoughts and feelings
can improve how you feel. When you notice, label, and release
feelings as they show up in smaller portions, they don't have
a chance to build up inside.
Scribbling, doodling, or sketching your thoughts or feelings
might help too.
Meditate or practice deep breathing.
This one works best if you do it regularly, as it's more of
an overall stress management technique that can help you use
self-control when you're mad. If you do this regularly,
you'll find that anger is less likely to build up.
Talk about your feelings with someone you trust.
Lots of times there are other emotions, such as fear or sadness,
beneath anger. Talking about them can help.
If you find yourself stewing about something and just can't
seem to let go, it can help to do something that will get your
mind past what's bugging you - watch TV, read, or go to the
These ideas can be helpful for two reasons:
They help you cool down when you feel like your anger
When you need to cool down, do one or more of the activities in
the list above. Think of these as alternatives to taking an
action you'll regret, such as yelling at someone. Some of
them, like writing down feelings, can help you release tension
and begin the thinking process at the same time.
They help you manage anger in general.
What if there's no immediate problem to solve - you simply
need to shift into a better mood? Sometimes when you're
angry, you just need to stop dwelling on how mad you are.
When to Ask for Extra Help
Sometimes anger is a sign that more is going on. People who have
frequent trouble with anger, who get in fights or arguments, who
get punished, who have life situations that give them reason to
often be angry may need special help to get a problem with anger
Tell your parents, a teacher, a counselor, or another adult you
trust if any of these things have been happening:
- You have a lasting feeling of anger over things that have
either happened to you in the past or are going on now.
- You feel irritable, grumpy, or in a bad mood more often than
- You feel consistent anger or rage at yourself.
- You feel anger that lasts for days or makes you want to hurt
yourself or someone else.
- You're often getting into fights or arguments.
These could be signs of depression or something else - and you
shouldn't have to handle that alone.
Anger is a strong emotion. It can feel overwhelming at times.
Learning how to deal with strong emotions - without losing control
- is part of becoming more mature. It takes a little effort, a
little practice, and a little patience, but you can get there if
you want to.
Matthew K. Nock, PhD
Date reviewed: June 2008
Note: All information is for educational purposes only. For specific medical advice,
diagnoses, and treatment, consult your doctor.
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