Beyond the motor development and social skills that need constant encouragement are the emotional skills and traits that are unique to your child. Whether they are nervous and easily frightened, sensitive and easily upset, or impatient and easily frustrated, toddlers will need your patience and guidance as you both learn how to communicate what the problem is and find an effective solution for it.
Toddlers are still babies, and some are more sensitive than others. Lots of crying is to be expected. Here are a few tips to help a little one whose faucets are constantly dripping:
Encourage them to use words to express their feelings.
Recognize that crying doesn't always signal sadness. Many children cry when they are angry. Model how to express frustration and irritation by using words when you are upset and by helping them say the magic words, “I'm
Just let them cry! Tears can relieve tension. They're only a problem when parents work overtime to make them go away.
Whining drives parents nuts. So why do youngsters do it? Because parents who have ignored requests and demands suddenly respond when the plaintive pleas begin. To cure kids of whining, respond before they switch into their high-pitched, plaintive voice, if only to ask for a minute to think about it. Insist that the child ask again without whining. Say “Ask me nicely” or “Use your regular voice.” Then try to comply with the request to reinforce your child's polite request.
Typical terrors that make young toddlers tremble are loud noises, large objects and buildings, something that has startled them, and strangers. Fear is instinctive — a response to a perceived threat that sends adrenaline surging through the body and mobilizes the muscles for flight. It is an inborn survival mechanism.
Difficulty distinguishing reality from fantasy sets the stage for many toddlers' fears. If there's a monster in the toilet bowl on TV, what's to keep it out of the toilet bowl at home? (The possibility of your child seeing that commercial is reason enough to pull the TV plug or keep it tuned to PBS.) Standing in line for 30 minutes while other kids have their pictures taken with Santa is one thing, but you want her to sit in that hairy stranger's lap? Go back when she's three and she might consider it.
To help toddlers overcome fears, try the following:
Confidently approach the frightening object yourself to show that it is safe.
Let them cling, cry, and hide their faces.
Say, “You're okay. You're safe” in soothing tones to desensitize them.
Ask, “Are you afraid of that dog?” Toddlers must know that you have identified the correct danger to feel reassured.
Do not urge or force toddlers to touch something that frightens them. Let them continue to trust their instincts rather than trying to teach them not to.
Later, continue desensitizing them by encouraging them to talk about the scary situation. They should appear less traumatized each time.
Do not ridicule, shame, or tease frightened toddlers. Otherwise, they learn to hide their fears, not overcome them. Fears may also be relayed in nightmares, or the child may lose the ability to sense danger. The goal should be to develop courage, not to create a daredevil.
Help a toddler overcome a fear of the tub by taking her into the shower with you or by joining you in the bath. Or consider this desensitization method (but note that it's dangerous because of the risk of falling!): Put her on the edge of the dry bathtub, keeping one hand on her at all times, with her legs dangling inside. Give sponge baths from a pail of water sitting in the tub. Sponge the hair, too, using very little shampoo. Put toys in the tub in hopes she'll reach for them. (Remember that wet feet make it easy to slip and fall!) If she does reach for a toy, see if she wants to sit in the dry tub for her sponge bath.
Then, follow a schedule something like this:
Children who have a hard time accepting physical comfort get upset more often and stay upset longer than children who readily accept it. Some youngsters may try to soothe themselves by rocking or clinging to a soft object. Others employ destructive strategies such as head-banging. Physical pain can be soothing in that it distracts toddlers from their emotional pain.
If your child bangs her head, bites or claws herself, or inflicts other kinds of self-injury when she's upset, do the following:
Hold her in your lap, rock her, and speak to her in a soothing tone.
Tell her that you love her and don't want her to hurt herself.
Tell her that when she feels like hurting herself she should come to you for hugs.
Teach her other strategies for releasing intense emotions, such as pounding pillows.
Talking on the Telephone
It's totally predictable. The minute you pick up the telephone, your tyke suddenly appears at your elbow and tries to distract you. “She just wants my attention,” irritated parents say. In a way, that's true, but the struggle for attention isn't as calculated as it seems. It is a toddler's attempt to restore a sense of connection to his beloved lifeline. Contact with a parent is so vital to a youngster's survival that he can become anxious when it disappears, however briefly.
There don't seem to be any good solutions for this age-old problem. You can try stroking the toddler's hair while chatting on the phone. The physical contact may quiet her down for a minute. Another idea is to set limits for the caller and the toddler. “I'll set the timer and when it rings, I promise …” The tot will know that the psychological absence will end soon. Finally, try offering your tot the chance-of-a-lifetime opportunity to jump on the beds, play in the dishwater, or tear up the plants while you talk.
Even that might not keep them content for more than two minutes. Threats and anger might be moderately effective, at which point your phone call has been derailed beyond recovery. The best solution may be to let Father Time usher the toddler to an age where he or she can tolerate not being at center of your universe. Typically, that's the stage also known as “adolescence,” and by then the phone will always be busy and you still won't get to talk on it!
Children who have difficulty bonding fly into rages readily, and are notoriously difficult to soothe because of their inability to trust others. A combination of the basket hold (discussed earlier) with the following strategy to promote bonding has helped many youngsters. When a toddler is spent and exhausted from having been in a basket hold, or from a tantrum, follow this procedure:
Carry the toddler to a rocker and hold him as if nursing, maintaining eye contact if the child is willing.
Rock the toddler lovingly but avoid speaking, so the youngster can focus on the physical and emotional warmth and closeness.
Use your intuition to determine when the toddler is ready to re-engage with the world, or carry him to bed if he falls asleep.
Do not discuss what transpired before or during the basket hold or tantrum unless the toddler brings it up.
Once toddlers are familiar with the procedure, parents can ask, “Do you want me to rock you like a baby?” when a stressed tot is losing control. Often the tantrum suddenly ends and the child hurries to the rocker. (See Chapter 8, “Doling Out Discipline,” for more on handling tantrums.)
Breaking the Pacifier Habit
If going cold turkey is too tough, some children have found it less traumatic to lose their pacifier a piece at a time. The parent pokes a small hole in the tip on day one. The next day, the hole is enlarged. On subsequent days, tiny pieces are cut from the tip to gradually shorten it. Children receive less pleasure from sucking as it disappears. After having been reduced to a nub, some parents report that their children lose interest and simply toss it aside.
Infants suck their thumbs in the womb. Toddlers suck their thumbs or fingers to soothe themselves. If a child is turning to his thumb for comfort, should parents worry? It depends on which expert you ask:
Some experts say it is a harmless activity that usually disappears on its own.
Some recommend trying to get toddlers to trade the thumb for a pacifier, blanket, stuffed animal, or doll for reasons of sanitation.
Some warn that the seeds of addiction are sown when toddlers use oral stimulation to comfort themselves. The desire to suck should be parent's cue to nurse, hug, rock, or cuddle.
Some say that thumb-sucking is positive in that toddlers comfort themselves rather than using something artificial like a pacifier.
Some say that since the thumb is so readily available, it's hard to give it up; but plastic is preferable.
Most experts agree that parental nurturing is a healthier way to soothe. Try to increase toddlers' feelings of well-being by criticizing less, praising more, and resolving family and personal problems to reduce the household tensions that can make toddlers feel tense and insecure. (See also Chapter 5, “The Road to Independence,” for details on a child's attachment to “comfort objects.”)
Use of thumbs, pacifiers, and bottles usually ends between ages three and four. If not, the social pressure of kindergarten is a powerful deterrent. Talk to your dentist to be sure that no damage is being done. There's not usually a threat until the permanent teeth start to come in.
Is Grandma spoiling her grandson by thinking he's the most wonderful child in the world? By providing unconditional love and acceptance? By showering him with sugary treats and expensive toys? By letting him jump on the sofa and generally get away with murder? Probably not, as long as when she does occasionally say “no,” she holds firm.
Maybe she keeps him safe when he jumps on the sofa by standing at his side so she can catch him if he falls. Of course, that means he'll want his parents to provide the same, personalized service. Maybe she does allow foods you'd prefer he not eat, but only if he does a good job on his veggies first. Maybe she rarely says “no” because she works overtime to make most everything permissible.
Will a toddler wish his parent would say “yes” to him as often as Grandma, buy him Big Wheels “just because,” and let him jump on the beds at home? Of course. But that doesn't mean he's spoiled or that he loves her more.
That will make it harder for the parents, who fear they will be seen as the bad guys for holding to stricter rules at home. Indeed, toddlers may test limits when they return home to see if the rules have magically changed. And, given that toddlers only express their crankiness and irritability when they're with people they really trust, they may be a handful after spending time with a doting relative, just as they save up their less savory emotions at day care and explode when they get home or the parent appears.
Rather than attempting to control your child's relationships with others, try to let them work things out between themselves. Instead of controlling gift giving, respond to inappropriate gifts as you would to a neighbor. Thank the sender, and then put the gift away until the child is older, or give the gift away, or suggest that the gift remain at Grandma's house so Sonny can play with it there (if that wouldn't hurt Granny's feelings).
The solution to many problems becomes obvious once parents understand what is driving toddlers to act as they do. Don't assume that troublesome behavior stems from naughtiness, contrariness, or mindless negativity. Look at what toddlers are trying to achieve. Be flexible as you help them achieve their goals in an acceptable manner.
The Waiting Room Blues
If you use car keys to entertain your toddler whenever you're in a waiting room or office trying to conduct a bit of business, boredom will set in fast. All that fussiness and grabbing items from peoples' desks isn't because she's naughty. She's not misbehaving, either. Her goal is to relieve boredom, so her behavior is appropriate, if decidedly inconvenient. Before heading out on errands, drop some brightly colored plastic lids in your purse or pocket to entertain a young tot; for older toddlers, buy some small toys that can only be played with during errands.