 
# Send To All Your Friends

Humorous email Forwards

Roger Pooley

Copyright Roger Pooley 2013

Published at Smashwords

# Send To All Your Friends

Humorous email Forwards

Compiled By Roger Pooley

Copyright © 2013 by Roger Pooley

rogerlovesemail@gmail.com

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-473-23824-7

No part of this publication can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without permission in writing from Roger Pooley.

#

# For Jennifer

# Introduction

Love them or hate them, most people receive forwarded funny emails. I'm not going to get psychological or sociological about it, but they create and maintain connections between people. They give you a sense of being included, of being acknowledged by others. And by you forwarding them on you maintain that connectivity.

This book is designed to picked up and read in those spare moments, but feel free to be gluttonous and read from cover to cover.

I cannot account for the truth attached to any of these emails, but as they say 'Where there's smoke...'

Enjoy.

Roger Pooley

## Chapter 1: For Your Information

How Big is WalMart?

At Wal-Mart, customers worldwide spend $42,754,109 every hour of every day.

This works out to $41,400 profit every minute.

Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target + Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

Wal-Mart employs 2 million people worldwide and is the largest private employer.

Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World (as measured by revenue).

Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway combined; keeping in mind they did this in only 15 years.

During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

Wal-Mart has approx. 4,253 stores in the USA of which 2,610 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at a Wal-Mart store. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.)

90% of all Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

10 Worst Slogan Translations

Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhoea."

Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."

When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).

The US Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"

General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".

The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax," depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole," translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Interesting Facts

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt"

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.

The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.

The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.

"Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."

There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.

'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.

The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."

There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.

The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade Los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, L.A.

Almonds are members of the peach family.

Ingrown toenails are hereditary.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti

Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Translations of Help Wanted Ads

Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.

Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.

Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.

Fast learner: You will get no training from us.

Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.

Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.

Make an investment in your future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.

Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.

Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.

Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.

Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.

Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.

Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.

Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.

Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dating Ads for Seniors as seen in "The Villages" Florida newspaper

**FOXY LADY:**   
**Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80′s, slim, 5'4′ (used to be 5'6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.**

**LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:**   
**Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.**

**SERENITY NOW:**   
**I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.**

**WINNING SMILE:**   
**Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.**

**BEATLES OR STONES?**   
**I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.**

**MEMORIES:**   
**I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.**

**MINT CONDITION:**   
**Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Smile for the day–Amazing Facts

**If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.** **Hardly seems worth it.**

**If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.** **Now that's more like it!**

**The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.** **O.M.G.!**

**A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.** **O.M.G.!!!**

**A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.** **Creepy, but I'm still not over the pig.**

**Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.** **Don't try this at home; maybe at work.**

 **The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.** **Honey, I'm home. What the...?**

**The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.** **30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?**

**The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.** **What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?**

**Some lions mate over 50 times a day.** **I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.**

**Butterflies taste with their feet.** **Something I always wanted to know.**

**The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.** **Hmmmmmm.......**

**Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.** **If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?**

**Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.** **Okay, so that would be a good thing.**

**A cat's urine glows under a black light.** **I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.**

**An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.** **I know some people like that.**

**Starfish have no brains.** **I know some people like that, too.**

**Polar bears are left-handed.** **If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.**

**Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.** **What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cool Facts about the Human Body

Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg; the smallest is the male sperm.

You use 200 muscles to take one step.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.

A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.

The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopaedia Britannica.

It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

At the moment of conception, you spend about half an hour as a single cell.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate; they do the same when you're looking at someone you hate.

Your thumb is the same length of your nose

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

World Village

If you could fit the entire population of the world into a village consisting of 100 people, maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth, that village would consist of;

57 Asians  
21 Europeans  
14 Americans (North, Central and South)  
8 Africans

There would be:  
52 women and 48 men  
30 Caucasians and 70 non-Caucasians  
30 Christians and 70 non-Christians  
89 heterosexuals and  
11 homosexuals  
6 people would possess 59% of the wealth and they would all come from the USA  
80 would live in poverty  
70 would be illiterate  
50 would suffer from hunger and malnutrition  
1 would be dying  
1 would be being born  
1 would own a computer  
1 (yes, only one) would have a university degree

If we looked at the world in this way, the need for acceptance and understanding would be obvious.

But, consider again the following:

If you woke up this morning in good health, you have more luck than one million people, who won't live through the week.

If you have never experienced the horror of war, the solitude of prison, the pain of torture, were not close to death from starvation, then you are better off than 500 million people.

If you can go to your place of worship without fear that someone will assault or kill you, then you are luckier than 3 billion (that's right) people.

If you have a full fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are wealthier than 75% of the world's population.

If your parents are still alive and still married, you're a rare individual.

If someone sent you this message, you're extremely lucky, because someone is thinking of you and because you don't comprise one of those 2 billion people who can't read.

And SO...  
Work like you don't need the money.  
Love like nobody has ever hurt you.  
Dance like nobody is watching.  
Sing like nobody is listening.  
Live as if this was paradise on Earth.  
Bypass those who are determined to see the worst in the world no matter what.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a few things I thought you should know!!!

All 50 US states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $US 5 bill.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. Some days that's about what my memory span is.

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. I know some people that could do this too.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. Good thing he did that.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Definitions

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

**ADULT:**  
 **A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.**

**BEAUTY PARLOR:**  
 **A place where women curl up and dye.**

**CHICKENS:**  
 **The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.**

**COMMITTEE:**  
 **A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.**

**DUST:**  
 **Mud with the juice squeezed out.**

**EGOTIST:**  
 **Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.**

**HANDKERCHIEF:**  
 **Cold Storage.**

**INFLATION:**  
 **Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.**

**MOSQUITO:**  
 **An insect that makes you like flies better.**

**RAISIN:**  
 **A grape with a sunburn.**

**SECRET:**  
 **Something you tell to one person at a time.**

**SKELETON:**  
 **A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.**

**TOOTHACHE:**   
**The pain that drives you to extraction.**

**TOMORROW:**  
 **One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.**

**YAWN:**  
 **An honest opinion openly expressed.** And MY Personal Favorite!!

**WRINKLES:**  
 **Something other people have, similar to my character lines.**

## Chapter 2: Instructions and Notices

Funny Instructions on Consumer Goods

In Honour of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- 'Do not turn upside down.' Well,...duh, a bit late, huh!

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- 'Warning: contains nuts.' talk about a news flash

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- 'Product will be hot after heating.' ...and you thought????...

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. That's the only time I have to work on my hair.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. The shoplifter special?

On a bar of Dial soap -- 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' and that would be???....

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- 'Serving suggestion: Defrost.' but, it's just a suggestion.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- 'Do not iron clothes on body.' but wouldn't this save me time?

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- 'Warning: May cause drowsiness.' ..I'm taking this because???.....

On most brands of Christmas lights -- 'For indoor or outdoor use only.' As opposed to what?

On a Japanese food processor -- 'Not to be used for the other use.' Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- 'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.' Step 3: say what?

On a child's Superman costume -- 'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.' I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.

On a Swedish chainsaw -- 'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.' Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Giving Pills to an Animal

How to Give a Cat a Pill:

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Call fire department to retrieve the cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

Wrap it in bacon

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sound Advice

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

Avoid arguments about leaving the toilet seat up, by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. But, remember to always use a timer.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a bunch of laxatives; that way you will be too afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How to Change Your Oil

Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it.

Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.  
Beer.

Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. Drink beer.

Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Drink beer.

Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob. Beer.  
Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

Beer.

Beer.

Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. Beer.

Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Beer.

Test drive car. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.  
Car gets impounded.

Make bail.

Get car from impound yard.

Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Going to Walmart

Going to Wal-Mart By Age Scenario:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Wal- Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:  
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:  
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:  
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:  
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:  
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog poop off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:  
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog poop on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:  
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Test for Dementia

Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

First Question:  
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are in second.

Now answer the second question, but take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question:  
If you overtake the last person, then you are in what place?

Answer:  
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the last person? You can't be behind the last person, that would make you last, and you can't overtake yourself.

Third Question:  
Here is some very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Take 100 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

Fourth Question:  
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? Well you would be wrong. Her name is Mary. Read the question again.

Okay, now the bonus question:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does he indicate what he wants?

He opens his mouth and asks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Psychoanalyze Yourself

NO CHEATING! That will take all the fun out of it. This is a very interesting test. Try it.

Have a pen and paper handy before you read any further. As soon as you read a question, write the answer right away.

Make sure to answer questions 1-10 before moving on...NO CHEATING!!

Read the following questions, imagining the scenes in your mind, and write down the FIRST thing that you visualize. Do not think about the questions excessively.

1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods. Who are you walking with?

2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal. What kind of animal is it?

3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

4. You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. Describe its size?

5. Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

6. You enter the house. You walk to the dining area and see the dining room table. Describe what you see on AND around the table.

7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is a cup. What material is the cup made of?

8. What do you do with the cup?

9. You walk to the edge of the property, where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water. What type of body of water is it?

10. How will you cross the water?

This has been a relational psychology test. The answers given to the questions have been shown to have a relevance to values and ideals that we hold in our personal lives. The analysis follows:

1. The person who you are walking with is the most important person in your life.

2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems.

3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems. (passive/aggressive)

4. The size of your dream house is representative of the size of your ambition to resolve your problems.

5. No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a closed personality. You'd prefer people not to drop by unannounced.

6. If your answer did not include food, people, or flowers, then you are generally unhappy.

7. The durability of the material with which the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person named in number 1. For example, styrafoam, plastic, and paper are all disposable, styrofoam, paper and glass are not durable, and metal and plastic are durable.

8. Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude towards the person in number 1.

9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.

10. How wet you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wonderful English from Around the World

Cocktail lounge, Norway:  
 **LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.**

Doctors office, Rome:  
 **SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.**

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:  
 **DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.**

In a Nairobi restaurant:  
 **CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.**

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:  
 **TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.**

On a poster at Kencom:  
 **ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.**

In a City restaurant:  
 **OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.**

In a cemetery:  
 **PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES** .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:  
 **GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.**

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  
 **OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.**

In a Tokyo bar:  
 **SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.**

Hotel, Yugoslavia:  
 **THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.**

Hotel, Japan:  
 **YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID**.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:  
 **YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.**

Hotel, Zurich:  
 **BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.**

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:  
 **WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?**

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:  
 **WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.**

A laundry in Rome:  
 **LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bar Room Signs

If life is a waste of time,  
And time is a waste of life,  
Then let's all get wasted together  
And have the time of our lives.   
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like  
Screwing for virginity.   
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

It's hard to make a comeback  
When you haven't been anywhere.   
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,  
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.  
Hell, do both  
GET MARRIED!   
Women's restroom  
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,  
It would be illegal.

Revolution Books  
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!   
Men's restroom House of Representatives,  
Washington , DC

Express Lane:  
Five beers or less.   
Sign over one of the urinals  
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him.   
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom  
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.   
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,  
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

~ and perhaps the most realistic one

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:  
If it has tires or testicles,  
You're going to have trouble with it.   
Women's restroom  
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says   
no, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers   
now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over   
what a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death   
no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant   
see if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace   
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile   
you think!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures   
who would have thought!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?  
Not if I wipe thoroughly!

Eye Drops Off Shelf  
So that's where I put it.

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide   
they may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges   
you mean there's something stronger than duct tape!

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge  
he probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group   
weren't they fat enough!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft  
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks   
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half  
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe  
opposable thumbs?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors  
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

## Chapter 3: Just Joking

Art Thief

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,

"Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to tell you this one!)

Well, I figured I have nothing Toulouse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Stupidest, Least Funny Jokes in the World

How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.

Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog

What did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb

How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up

Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree

Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank

Why did the reporter go into the ice cream shop? -- he wanted to get the scoop

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle

What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around

What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.

What did the man say when the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!

How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)

What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.

Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.

What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes

What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do?

What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip

Where do pigs park their cars? -- in a porking lot

Why did the banana leave the cinema? -- the film didn't appeal to him.

Why did the little cookie (biscuit) cry? -- because his mother was a 'wafer' so long.

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink? -- He found a leek there.

What do you call a crab who plays baseball? -- a pinch-hitter

Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars? -- a martian mellow

How do you cut a man on the moon's hair? -- eclipse it

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence.

What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus

Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly

What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you

What's brown and sticky? -- a stick

What's red and not there -- no tomatoes

What has 10 letters and starts with gas? -- Automobile.

Where does a general put his armies? -- In his sleevies.

What did the man say when he walked into a bar? -- "Ouch."

What are the strongest days of the week? -- Saturday and Sunday; every other is a weekday.

Why is it so hard to play poker in the jungle? -- Because there are so many cheetas.

What is the best time to see the dentist? -- Two thirty! (Tooth hurty)

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? -- Because then they would be bay-gulls.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Answers:   
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.

Freud: The fact that you thought that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

L.A. Police Department: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Saddam Hussein #2: It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed it, I've not been told!

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.

Albert Camus: It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.

Mulder: It was a government conspiracy.

Scully: It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

The Pope: That is only for God to know.

Immanuel Kant: The chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

M.C.Escher: That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.

George Orwell: Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Emily Dickenson: Because it could not stop for death.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

O.J.: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

**How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?**

Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:

'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'

**ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Puns for Educated Minds

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture boards an air plane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road? Take 2

BARACK OBAMA:  
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN:  
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON:  
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes m e uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL:  
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH:  
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH:  
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL:  
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:  
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:  
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE:  
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART:  
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

JERRY FALWELL:  
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they ca ll it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BARBARA WALTERS:  
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:  
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:  
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL CLINTON:  
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:  
I invented the chicken!

DICK CHENEY:  
Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:  
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

## Chapter 4: Being Professional

How Flight Announcements Should Be

"To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"Thank you for flying on our airline. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, we're sure as hell everything has shifted."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you"

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Star Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to your destination. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Star Airlines."

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is outside on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Funny 911 Calls

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?  
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.  
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?  
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 911 What is your emergency?  
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.  
Dispatcher: Excuse me?  
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.  
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?  
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 911  
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn, I think I'm going to pass out.  
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?  
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.  
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?  
Caller: No  
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?  
Caller: Running from the Police.

Dispatcher: 911 What is the nature of your emergency?  
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.  
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.  
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one  
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.  
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: 911 What's the nature of your emergency?  
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart  
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?  
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Airline Gripe Sheet

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some 'actual' maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.  
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.  
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.  
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.  
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.  
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.  
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.  
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.  
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.  
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.  
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.  
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.  
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.  
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.  
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.  
S: Took hammer away from midget

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aviation Humor

ATC: "Al Italia 345 continue taxi to 26L South via Tango – check for workers along taxiway."   
Al Italia 345: " Roger, Taxi 26 Left a via Tango. Workers checked – all are working"

Nova 851: "Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you out of 13,000 for 10,000, requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal (female): "Nova 851, Halifax, the last time I gave a pilot what he wanted I was on penicillin for three weeks. Expect runway 06."

Lost student pilot: " Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead, please identify yourself."

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?  
Pilot: Yes.  
Tower: Yes what?  
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

Frankfurt Control: 'AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots.'   
Pilot: 'Roger, Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fer ya.'   
Control: (a few moments later): 'AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 11/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots.'   
Pilot: 'AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots'  
Control: 'AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots'  
Pilot (a little miffed): 'Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?'   
Control: 'No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you.'

ATC: 'Cessna 123, What are your intentions?   
Cessna: 'To get my Commercial Pilots License and Instrument Rating.'   
ATC: 'I meant in the next five minutes not years.'

O'Hare Approach: USA212, cleared ILS runway 32L approach, maintain 250 knots.   
USA212: Roger approach, how long do you need me to maintain that speed?   
O'Hare Approach: All the way to the gate if you can.   
USA212: Ah, OK, but you better warn ground control.   
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 3,000 ft on QNH, altimeter 1019.   
Pan AM 1: Could you give that to me in inches?   
ATC: Pan Am 1, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH, altimeter 1019

Cessna 152: 'Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred'  
Controller: 'Roger, contact Houston Space Center '

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.   
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

Student Pilot: 'I'm lost; I'm over a big lake and heading toward the big "E".   
Controller: 'Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar.' (Short pause)... Controller: 'Okay then. That big lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to the big "W" immediately ...'

Pilot: 'Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000′ and 40 DME.'   
Approach: 'Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000′.'   
Pilot: 'Approach, 202′s unable that descent rate.'   
Approach: 'What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?'   
Pilot: 'Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours..'

Tower: 'American...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach.'   
American: 'That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right'

Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60. (pause)   
Controller: 'USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!' (pause)   
Controller: 'USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!'   
Pilot: 'Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!'

BB: 'Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet.'   
Bay Approach: 'Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude.'   
BB: 'Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!'   
Bay Approach: 'That's a good reason. 8300 approved.'

Controller: 'FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?'   
Pilot: 'A340 of course!'   
Controller: 'Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me 1000 feet per minute, please?'

Foreign Pilot Trainee: 'Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit'

Controller: 'CRX600, are you on course to SUL?'   
Pilot: 'More or less.'   
Controller: 'So proceed a little bit more to SUL.'

Pilot: 'Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.'   
Tower: 'KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.'   
Pilot: 'Please confirm: two hours delay?'   
Tower: 'Affirmative.'   
Pilot: 'In that case, cancel the good morning!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers – Take One  
Two engineering students were crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers – Take Two  
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers – Take Three  
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather  
slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind  
firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The threesome was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see  
if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers – Take Four  
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?  
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Embarrassing Medical Exams

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked." The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion, she answered..."Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

AND FINALLY!!!............

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things Santa Won't Tell You

Never force your screaming kid onto my lap. Just bring him close and give me a few minutes. I've got plenty of tricks up my sleeve.

Some of us get bonuses for making our daily photo quota. So please forgive me if I try to move things along.

I make around $10,000 a season doing this, but cut me some slack. Between October and December, most of us work about forty 10-hour days and listen to 30,000 children.

Wondering why both of my white-gloved hands are always where you can see them? Ask my lawyer.

I'm sorry Grandma is in heaven or that Mom and Dad have split up. But even Santa can only do so much, so let's just stick with what you'd like to unwrap on the big day.

Want to have more than just a few seconds with me? Skip the mall. Let's meet at your kid's preschool or a photo studio that invites Santa in for special portraits.

As a matter of fact, I did go to school for this. Topics of study: how to hold children, manage sticky conversations, and care for my hair and beard.

I don't have total recall. Don't come back after a few minutes and ask what your kid requested. Stand close enough to listen.

Those of us with real beards think we're superior. But the best of the rest of us pay as much as $3,000 to wig makers to make us authentic-looking whiskers.

I see you vigorously nodding your head, but even so, I will never, ever promise anything to a child.

Boys tend to give it to you straight: "I want a Game Boy and a remote control car." Little girls want to explain everything.

Is Santa real? "Well," I reply, pinching myself and grimacing, "I feel real."

I've been kicked in the shins, hit in the groin, scratched, bitten, and peed on. But there's a reason I keep doing this year after year: This is the best work I've ever found.

## Chapter 5: Men and Women

Awful Pick Up Lines

Oh my gosh, I thought I was gay then I met you.

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Excuse me, I've been noticing you not noticing me.

Man: Excuse me did you just feel my butt?  
Girl: No.  
Man: Why not?

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Excuse me, is that your perfume that you're wearing?

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

Kiss me if I am wrong, but isn't your name (take a guess)...Janice?

You say: "I bet you $20 I can kiss you without using my lips."  
She says: "Bet's on."  
You kiss her then say: "I lost."

You: "Did it hurt."  
The other person will naturally say: "Did what hurt?"  
You: "When you fell from heaven."

You look so sweet you're giving me a toothache.

You're so hot when I look at you I get a tan.

You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.

Do you mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted.

I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out.

Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?

I'm sorry, were you talking to me?  
Her: No.  
Well then, please start.

Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, long, long ago

One day, long, long ago there was this man who, surprisingly, was not full of BS...

But this was a long, long time ago...

And it was just one day.

The End

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attention Target Shoppers

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the Mission Impossible theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'Pick me! Pick me!'

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'Oh no! It;s those voices again.'

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.  
Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.  
Signed,  
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And Then the Fight Started

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on the TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started.

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, and simply said, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you  
just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Well it struck me as funny that the other guy was a dwarf. He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I am not happy!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you? Grumpy?"

And then the fight started.

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive. So, I took her to a Gas station.

And then the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."   
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started.

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replied, "Your eyesight's dang near perfect."

And then the fight started.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: Computers DO Have A Gender

Five reasons computers must be female...

No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

The message, "Bad command or file name," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

In the interest of gender equality ... Five reasons computers must be male...

They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.

They periodically cut you off right when you think you've established a network connection.

They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.

They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded in for a new model.

Some users, however, feel they've already got so much invested in the darn thing that they're compelled to remain with an underpowered system.

They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you have their attention.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If Men Wrote The Rules

Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying

"This is our exit" is not necessary.

Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Medical Info Women Should Know

**Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women**

 **Q: Should I have a baby after 35?**   
_A: No, 35 children is enough._

**Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?**   
_A: With any luck, right after he finishes college._

**Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?**   
_A: Childbirth._

**Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.**   
_A: So what's your question?_

**Q**? **: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?**   
_A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current._

**Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?**   
_A: Right after you find out you're pregnant._

**Q**? **: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?**   
_A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you._

**Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?**   
_A: Yes, pregnancy._

**Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?**   
_A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly._

**Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?**   
_A: When the kids are in college._

"ESTROGEN ISSUES"  
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

You're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving".

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

Cats' facial expressions.

The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

Fat clothes.

Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.

Cutting your hair to make it grow.

Eyelash curlers.

The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand: **OTHER WOMEN**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daughters or Granddaughters, Nieces, Aunts, Girlfriends, Etc

Don't imagine you can change a man – unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so we can tell them apart.

Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A (Warped) Woman's View of Men

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like Commercials You can't believe a word they say. !

Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

Men are like .. Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like .. Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Wish

**A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.**

**He wanted her to see what he went** **through so he prayed:**

_' Dear Lord:_   
_I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.'_

**God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.**

**The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman...**

**He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit.** Went grocery shopping. **Then drove home to put away the groceries. Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.**

**Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds. Do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, And sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.**

**At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.** After supper, **He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry. Bathed the kids, And put them to bed.**

**At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.** The next morning, he awoke **and immediately knelt by the bed and said: -**

_Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!'_

**The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:**

**"My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night"**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Words That Women Use

Oh, women; why can't men just figure them out? They were always here since the beginning of time, as Eve with Adam, but men still seem to struggle to interpret what women say and what they truly want. Here's a short but funny summary of very common words and phrases that women use, and what they possibly mean.

Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to the meaning of nothing.)

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. that will bring on a 'whatever').

Whatever: Is a women's way of saying a really bad word.

Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to 'Nothing" above.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Writing in His and Hers Diary

If you have ever taken a psychology class, you learn that women and men communicate differently, and it is seen in their speaking and writing styles. They say that there is a difference in brain structure between the sexes, but does it really make a noticeable difference? Well here is a funny story that contains an entry each in a woman's and a man's diary and see if you notice a funny difference in the stories!

HER DIARY

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

My Ski-Doo wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.

Hmm... yeah, I can see a slight difference.

Why men are happier than women

Have you ever wondered which sex has the easier life? With the introduction of equality amongst the sexes, you would think that they would be equal in the obstacles they encounter. Well, the following may help you decide on which gender is happier.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.  
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades..

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache..

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier ..

*Sigh*... Men lead such simple lives...

Man Schooling

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for Marriage, Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you too, can be a real man as well as earn an ASSociates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidities

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy under clothes for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Butthole When you're Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket after Farting is NOT Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mothers-in-law

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there...

MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, G(U)Ynacolegist...

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? And when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy!

Coincidental? I think not!

Cute Guys

A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice bodies and wore tight short pants.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called  
Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

If you fall victim to this insidious behaviour and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow Pages

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES  
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT   
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY   
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS   
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS   
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE   
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS   
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE   
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP   
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL   
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING   
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Chapter 6: Age is Coming

Retirement

Question: How many days in a week?  
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?  
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?  
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?  
Answer: There's not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why do retirees not mind being called Seniors?  
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?  
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?  
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?  
Answer: Stupid.

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage?  
Answer: They know as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?  
Answer: He's too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?  
Answer: Monday through Friday, nothing. Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Can't Look That Old

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old.

Well . . . you'll love this one.

My name is Mary, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?'

'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, balding, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-.........asked, "What did you teach

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**About Growing Older...**

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop worrying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Serenity

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,  
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.  
'Two years older than me'  
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.  
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:  
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked  
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. '  
Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.  
'Why Wal-Mart?'  
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?  
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

**The Senility Prayer:**  
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Old' is When...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

And old is when ... you're not sure if these are facts or jokes.

## Chapter 7: Stories

Wrong Number

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying, "Hello". I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the Caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his! car window - so, I wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole, (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes. I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up).

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beemer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called Asshole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are?"

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th Street.

There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

NOW, I feel better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our Trip To The Vet

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Short version: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Now, here's the long version:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb!)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," I replied.

Closed mouth, my mean, evil wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Story Summary:  
2 Lizards - $140...  
1 Cage - $50...  
Trip to the Vet - $80...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story: Finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cancelling Credit Cards

We know that when somebody dies, anybody that is owed money needs to claim it under the estate, as long as there is money left in the estate. Some cases, however, people still try to claim money long after the estate is closed.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange :

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'  
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'  
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'  
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been'  
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'  
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'  
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'  
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'  
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'  
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'  
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'  
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'  
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'  
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)  
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'  
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'  
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'  
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'  
(What is wrong with these people?!?)  
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'  
Citibank: 'That might help..'  
Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'  
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'  
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Political Forked Tongue

Spin at its very best...

Talk about obfuscation........

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Stephan Dion's, the leader of Canada's Liberal Party, great-great uncle, Robert Dion, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Quebec in 1889. The only known photograph of Dion shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Robert Dion; horse thief, sent to Quebec Provincial Prison 1883, escaped 1887, robbed the Canadian Pacific Railway six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted, and hanged in 1889."

Judy e-mailed Stephan Dion for comments. Dion's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:

"Robert Dion was a famous horseman in Quebec, Canada. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Canadian Pacific Railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave in 1887 to resume his dealings with the railroad. Subsequently, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Dion passed away during an important civic function held in his honour, when the platform on which he was standing collapsed."

AND this is why we call it "POLITICS"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two Great Stories - BOTH TRUE - and worth reading!

STORY NUMBER ONE   
Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal manoeuvring kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money big, but also, Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to the atrocity that went on around him. Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly. Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars, and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object. And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was. Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name, and offer his son some semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob, and he knew that the cost would be great.

So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion, and a poem clipped from a magazine. The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once,  
And no man has the power  
To tell just when the hands will stop  
At late or early hour.  
Now is the only time you own.  
Live, love, toil with a will.  
Place no faith in time.  
For the clock may soon be still.

STORY NUMBER TWO   
World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander Butch O'Hare. He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the South Pacific. One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne, he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top off his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his ship. His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron of Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet. The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but defenceless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing to do. He must somehow divert them from the fleet. Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 calibre's blazed as he charged in, attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until all his ammunition was finally spent. Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible and rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction. Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the carrier. Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact, destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Congressional Medal of Honor.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.  
So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

## Chapter 8: Just Plain Stupid

Stella Awards

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards'! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE :  
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE :  
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California, won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE :  
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowners insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE :  
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE :  
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tail bone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...

2ND PLACE :  
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses.

Go figure.

1ST PLACE :  
This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Celebrating the Darwinians - The Least Evolved Among Us

The Darwin Awards have been counted down and bestowed to honor the least evolved among us. Here are the winners, though I'm not sure if congratulations or sympathies are in order.

Just Deserts  
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

Hey! That's my Parking Spot  
A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

The Mental Case  
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

The Curious Youth  
An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

The Would-Be Robber  
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

The Thirsty Moron  
Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

The Idiot Mugger  
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

Spoiled Breakfast  
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 AM, flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Got Gas?  
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

The Glorious Winner

And the trophy goes to...

Brainiac Bullet  
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is a Relief

**If you ever feel a little bit stupid just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius.**

**(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)**

**Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?**

**Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"**   
**–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.**

**"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."**   
**–Mariah Carey**

**"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"**   
**– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign**

**"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"**   
**–Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward..**

**"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"**   
**–Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .**

**"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"**   
**–A congressional candidate in Texas**

**"Half this game is ninety percent mental."**   
**–Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark**

**"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.."**   
**–Al Gore, Vice President**

**"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix "**  
 **– Dan Quayle**

**"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"**   
**–Lee Iacocca**

**"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.."**   
**–Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.**

**"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."**   
**– Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.**

**"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."**   
**–Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina**

**"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."**   
**–Keppel Enderbery**

**"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."**   
**–Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman**

**Feeling smarter yet?**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

13 Questions and Answers

13 answers of a brilliant student who obtained 0%. Some people will give him 100%.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?  
A: His last battle.

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?  
A: At the bottom of the page.

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?  
A: Liquid.

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?  
A: Marriage.

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?  
A: Exams.

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?  
A: Lunch & dinner.

Q7. What looks like half an apple?  
A: The other half.

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?  
A: It will simply become wet.

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?  
A: No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?  
A: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?  
A: Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?  
A: No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?  
A: Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1 :  
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...  
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'   
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'   
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'   
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'   
Moral of the story:  
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2 :  
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.   
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'   
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk.. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.   
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.   
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'   
Moral of the story:  
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3  
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.   
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'   
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.   
Moral of the story:  
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4  
A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy'  
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. It's full of nutrients.'   
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.   
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch..  
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.   
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.   
Moral of the story:  
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 5  
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.   
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.   
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.   
The dung was actually thawing him out!   
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.   
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.   
Moral of the story:  
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.  
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.  
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Idiot Report........

Number One Idiot  
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there wo uld be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot  
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.  
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot  
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.  
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot  
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.  
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Number Five Idiot

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.  
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six  
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.  
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven  
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided tha t he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.  
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.  
The whole event was caught on videotape.

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

## Chapter 9: A Musing or Wisdom?

What I Learned from Movies

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

All single women have a cat.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life Truths

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

Don't wear polka-dot underwear, under white shorts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stuff to Think About

Would you kill for a Nobel Peace Prize?

Borrow money from pessimists, they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

What's the speed of dark?

How can you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What?

I want patience and I want it now!

Dichotomy is the root of all evil.

Anyone who judges others is horrible and evil.

I cannot tolerate intolerance.

I object to anyone who makes assumptions like the assumption that I assume you are making.

If you feel guilty you should be ashamed of yourself.

I am the most humble person on earth.

I can be more self-righteous than anyone; I am just so superior that I choose not to.

I could be wrong. I thought I was wrong once before, but I was wrong.

I used to think that I was superior just like you but I overcame that fault years ago.

I'm modest and proud of it.

Superstition brings bad luck.

Don't ask me what I think of ignorance and apathy; I don't know and I don't care.

Humanity can be divided into two groups of people; those who divide humanity into two groups of people and those who do not.

I'm not in denial.

You are so judgmental.

Is anal retentive hyphenated?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Everyone's an individual, but I don't think I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mysteries

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker?'

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a 'wet paint' sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the alphabet song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you're living in 2012 when...

You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

You have a list of 16 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial " 0 " to get an outside line.

You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND...

You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Prison vs Work:

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.   
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).   
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.   
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.   
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.   
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.   
AT WORK.....you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.   
AT WORK.....you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.   
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.   
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lessons for Life

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Memorize your favorite poem.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or loaf all you want.

When you say, "I love you," mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Love deeply and passionately. You may get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives, or by the life they were born into.

Teach yourself to speak slowly but think quickly.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Call your mother.

Say, "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his/her conversational skills will be even more important.

Spend some time alone.

Open your arms to change but don't let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Read more books. Television is no substitute.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.

A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

Don't just listen to what someone is saying. Listen to why they are saying it.

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Pray or meditate. There's immeasurable power in it.

Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

Mind your own business.

Don't trust anyone who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. It is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Live with the knowledge that your character is your destiny.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clever One Liners

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Will Rogers Sayings

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages ever known.

"Never squat while wearing your spurs"

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.

There are three kinds of men: The ones who learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Best One Liners

I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train...

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. – Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Someday is not a day of the week

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To err is human; to forgive is not a Company policy.

The road to success.... Is always under construction.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

. .and here's the best of the lot...

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or immoral.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some of the important things in life.

If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands-it's the best way to make everybody laugh especially if you're in the middle of a class.

Friends are the best things that will ever happen to you. But that doesn't mean you have to keep the same ones. People change, so do you...when that happens accept it and move on. But don't forget to remember your old friends; they have helped make your life what it is now.

Siblings will always be there for you; they love you even if they don't act like it.

Never break a fax machine-it will beep for three days straight.

Parents are the same, they'll yell and scream and shout because they want to help. They also have feelings.

Never try to stay up the whole night and tell your friend that they can do anything to wake you up if you fall asleep; especially if they have Ice tea in their hand.

If you smile someone will smile back.

If you dip pieces of apple in apple juice it will taste really weird.

There are people that love you but just don't know how to show it.

If you get hit with a ball and you start crying everyone will walk over to see how you are. If you're having a bad day but you're not crying only your best friends will.

The best feeling in the world is to ride with the window down and to be singing along with a song on the radio.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Normal people are people you don't know.

There is always one teacher that everyone hates that never misses school.

People may forget what you said but they'll never forget how you made them feel.

And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.

## Conclusion

A Man and his Dog

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.

"I'm sorry; sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, and then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."

So...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.

## About the Author

Roger Pooley lives in Rotorua, New Zealand. Most of his time is taken up with classroom teaching and being with his family.

Do you have an email you wish to share?

Forward it to me at rogerlovesemail@gmail.com

