

INTENSE INSANE IN LOVE

BY

SD BECCA

SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

Intense Insane In Love

Copyright © 2012 by SD Becca

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This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental. The characters are productions of the author's imagination and used fictitiously.

*****

Intense Insane In Love

Published by SD Becca

All rights reserved and © by SD Becca. No parts of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise) without the prior written permission of the copyright owner of this book. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, brands, media, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously.

Intense Insane In Love

Copyright © 2012 by SD Becca

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More books by SD Becca

 Intense Insane In Love II

Love's Insanity

*****

CHAPTER ONE

In approximately fifteen minutes it'll be ten o'clock and we will officially be late for Carol's annual Christmas party. I am not really in the partying mood, but Carol is expecting us and this is tradition. Robert and I go every year, that's actually how we met. If I had skipped that party five years ago, how different my life would now be.

"Are you ready?" Robert asks appearing at the bathroom doorway.

I don't bother looking at him. "Almost, just have to finish my make-up."

"You don't need it. You're just as beautiful without it."

"Liar," I laugh. "It's Kari that has the flawless skin, don't you think?"

He pauses for a few seconds. "I wouldn't know. I've never seen her bare faced."

"Yes, you have." I correct him while closing my right eye to properly apply my mascara.

"No, I haven't."

"How about when Kari and I were roommates?"

"Never bothered to notice, she's not really my speed. No offense to Kari." I burst into laughter. Utter uncontrollable laughter. I hear him asking me what's so funny but I can't stop laughing long enough to answer. After a minute of this, I'm beginning to fear that I've finally snapped and lost it.

"What in the world is so funny?"

"Nothing...Nothing," I finally say, now able to regain control.

"No. Let me in on the joke," he persists angrily.

"It's really nothing," I tell him now composed. Reluctantly, he drops it, watching in silence as I finish my make-up.

Moments later, his mind begins to drift to her.

When we first met, when those smooth brown eyes looked at me for the first time, he appeared as if he just struck gold, following me around the whole night. I knew then that he was the man that I should marry. Before him I felt incapable of being loved. When most men discovered the incurable disorder called Leah they'd immediately initiate their exit strategy, but not Robert Cole. When he found out about my issues he didn't run. Instead, he persisted until he broke down my walls, slowly getting me to open up until I let him inside. Then his love acted like a defibrillator and jump started my heart.

"Hey gorgeous," he calls out playfully, obligating me to look back at him. "I love you."

My gaze holds a few seconds, taking a moment to study his eyes, to see if there's any truth in that statement. I just don't know anymore. Unable to return the empty words, unwilling to play the part tonight, all I can do is smile and say, "Thanks."

"Do you know what today is?" Robert asks.

"No. What?"

"It's our anniversary." He walks up behind me. I ignore the irritation nipping at my gut from having him so close.

"I don't think we can have an anniversary without being married."

"I'm going to have to disagree with you on that one Lee."

I prepare myself for it, but I still tense up when his arms come around my waist. We look at one another in the mirror. I make a half-hearted attempt at an excuse. "It's my nerves. I have so much going on at work."

"It's alright Lee, I understand." He pulls me to him, and I have to fight the urge to pull away. The feel of his lips on my neck is almost sickening.

While applying my raspberry lipstick, I continue to watch him in the mirror. He's nervous. There's no hiding the worry in his eyes. It's been there all week. I already know what it is that he's hiding. Just when the heart fools you into thinking it can't hurt anymore, just when you believe you're finally numb to the pain, a stab pierces through and the ache is just as crippling as before.

Once upon a time I believed in faith. I believed in destiny and that Robert was part of mine. My promise of everything that I thought I could never have — my happily ever after. It was as if God looked down from heaven and saw my heartbreak, my pain, my loneliness, and sent me someone who would love me. Oh, if only I could stay in that fairy tale and build a life there. But I can't.

The truth is people say they love you just to see how well they can fake it. They work hard to gain your trust just to have the power to violate it. There is no rhyme or reason to life. There is no destiny. Our meeting was just chance — nothing supernatural, nothing sent from above. Robert works with one of my best friend's husband and he was invited to their annual Christmas party. I was Carol's roommate at Yale and maid of honor at her wedding, and also invited: no magic, no destiny, just life, circumstances, and probability. Two people came to the same party and met. He's attractive and successful, I'm easy to control, and here I am—miserable in a relationship that's kept glued together with deception and manipulation.

"You know I love you right?"

"You've already said that Robert."

"Maybe I want to say it again. It's a free world. A man can tell his girlfriend he loves her as many times as he wants."

I check my watch. It's five to. So I hurry and finish up my make-up. "We're going to be late. We should leave now." Unwrapping his arms from my waist, I head out of the bathroom. Following me into the living room he takes hold of my hand before I can reach the coat closet.

My resentment is veiled with a smile. "What's up hun?"

"Come here." He pulls me to him, another stomach-turning kiss on my neck and then my ears. "I need you tonight. Let's skip the party." He urges as his hands make their way down my back. I can feel his excitement. "I need to be with you tonight." His lips approach mine, I hold him off with a hand on the chest.

"My make-up sweetheart, I don't want to mess it up. We should go." Walking away from him, I grab my coat out of the closet and walk out the door without looking back.

On the ride to Carol's Robert doesn't say much. This is unlike him, but I don't complain. I appreciate the silence as I watch the snow hit the glass, slowly melting and changing form. One minute it's snow, the next it's liquid. Which is it, snow or liquid? It should decide what it wants to be. Make up its mind already and stop deceiving people.

Everything in life is a presentation, an attempt to deceive and mislead. I'm sick of it. I'm fucking sick of it all. I'm sick of New York, the people are so detached. I'm sick of my life and the living dysfunction that it has become. I can't live and die like this, in this.

I've been the perfect girlfriend. I've never confronted him for fear of losing him. Scared he wouldn't choose me. Why throw away five years? Why push them away? Why be alone? So I continue to play the part, pretending that our relationship is not a counterfeit, pretending not to notice the stolen glances when they think I'm not looking; or the awkwardness when we're all in a room together. I continue to pretend that it doesn't destroy me each time I see how they react to one another.

Everyone notices it. It's hard not to. Up to now I've always ignored it. Knowing that once he realizes how much it's destroying me, once he understands the soul depreciating damage that he has caused me, he'll definitely stop. He'll end it for sure, because he freaking loves me. The pain I've gone through these past years living with the feeling that she's got something that I don't, and is giving him something that I can't, has me feeling like I am less of a woman. How much longer can I live with this façade?

"We're here babe." Robert announces like I haven't been to Carol's house a million times before and can't realize it for myself. He searches for parking and finds a spot close to the front of the house. "Wait." He takes hold of my arm as I attempt to exit the car.

I turn to look at him and smile. "What?"

"I got you something."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? Because I love you."

"I thought we weren't exchanging gifts until Christmas."

"This isn't a Christmas present it's an anniversary present." He looks at me for a second and his expression changes. "Don't look so happy about it."

"It's been five years and you've never given me an anniversary present before. Why are you giving me one now?" My anger is about to spill over. I quickly get it back under control. "I'm sorry. Thanks. It's very thoughtful. I just wish I had known we were giving presents so I would have gotten you something. "

"Just open it."

I take the small box from him. It's a pair of princess-cut diamond earrings with three beaded gold strings hanging down. They're gorgeous and very expensive, but Robert's faults never included tackiness or being cheap—his faults are far worse.

"They're beautiful. Are you ready to go in?"

He gives me a blank look. "Can I at least get a kiss?"

"I would hun, but I don't want to ruin my make-up. Thanks sweetheart. I love them." I close the box back and place it in the glove compartment.

"Aren't you going to put them on?"

"I would but the sapphire earrings that I am wearing go much better with my dress." By the insulted look on his face I can tell my unresponsiveness has chopped off a piece of his unkempt ego.

"Put them on," he insists.

"Fine, if it means that much to you."

After changing earrings we finally make it inside the party. Rihanna is blasting on the radio. The living room and hallways are packed with people dancing.

"Hey Leah. You finally made it." Carol walks over to us. "Hi Robert."

"I like your dress sexy mama." She's wearing a short red dress that flares right below the bust line, making room for her six month baby bump.

"Thanks, you look alright yourself."

"I'm going to make my rounds." Robert informs me and walks off before I can respond.

"You guys seem tense." Carol is always great at pointing out the obvious.

"We're not. Stop looking for gossip prego. Where's Kari?"

"In the kitchen, she's helping me out with the food."

"Let me go help." I squeeze through the thirty people cramped in the Brownstone, to get to the kitchen.

Kari is my sister in every way except for blood. Her personality is magnetic. She is just a blast to be around: confident, fun, and never afraid to just be herself. She's the type of person that goes out of her way to make you feel better and the kind of friend who makes your enemy her enemy. She has always been loyal.

Shortly after my father abandoned me and my mom, I was so angry. I felt powerless. Then Kari comes over one day and says, "Let's give the bitch what she deserves."

"What are you talking about?" I asked her confused.

"You'll see, just keep quiet."

She picked up the phone and dialed my father's office. Judith, my father's receptionist and soon to be wife picked up. I listened in horrified admiration as Kari convinced her that she was calling from her doctor's office and her last check-up showed that she had tested positive for HIV. Judith had a nervous breakdown. Weeping and screaming she cried out repeatedly, "I'm such a good person. Why is this happening to me?" Kari was so convincing she deserved an academy award, an Oscar, and an Emmy for that performance.

A year later when my mom became sick Kari came over every day with my class work, telling exaggerated but ridiculously humorous stories, making both of us laugh. I can't ever repay her for those priceless smiles she brought to my mom's lips. I don't think I could have survived my childhood without her. She has always been there for me.

When I was in the hospital she was the only one who came to see me. My father refused to step foot in a psychiatric ward. I was an embarrassment to him. He wanted nothing to do with the situation or me.

Once my mom died Kari was the only family I had. The only time we have ever been apart was when I went away to college. Even then she was the only family that I had to come home to during the holidays. As a matter of fact since the age of eighteen we have spent every Christmas together.

She is the only person alive that knows all of my secrets. She knows the real me, yet she has never judged me, looked down at me or pitied me.

"Hey Leah," Kari says happily when I walk through the door.

"You seem very happy. When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago. Carol has been working me ever since."

"What can I do to help?"

"Help? What? The ivy league princess wants to do manual labor?" she snickers. "No. Your majesty, please leave such things to us common folks."

"If you insist," I say jokingly and take a seat at the island. Kari turns to the oven and takes out the lasagna.

"Oh, I'm gonna need a ride home. Can you wait for me?"

"Sure. I'll have Robert drop you home after he drops me off." I wait for her response.

She looks at me then looks away. "Whatever."

"Are you feeling any better?"

"Yeah, but I'm not one hundred percent."

Halfheartedly, I play my part, faking concern. "What do you think it is? Did you go to the doctor?"

She begins to cut the lasagna into square pieces. "Not yet."

"You better go and make sure nothing's wrong with you."

I am so sick of playing these games.

There's the sound of footsteps coming towards the kitchen, the pace hurried and consistent. I know it's Robert. To read the expression on his face when he enters the kitchen, I keep my eyes on the door.

"Leah?" He's taken off guard. "There you are. I was looking for you."

"Here I am. You found me," I say dryly.

"Hi Kari."

"Hi," Kari answers back without taking her eyes off the lasagna.

"My boss is here come say hello."

"Give me a second. I'm talking to Kari," I tell him dismissively.

He walks out without another word.

"What's up with you guys?" she asks still being overly attentive with the lasagna, never looking me in the eyes.

"Everything is just peachy, but I am not as happy as you, seeing that you still can't get that smile off your face."

"I'm not smiling."

"Yes you are. Is Mr. X finally going to leave her for you?" I ask looking for her reaction.

"I don't know, maybe."

Mr. X is the name Carol and I use for Kari's already committed boyfriend. She refuses to tell us who he is. All that we know is that he is with someone else and Kari is his side thing, and has been for years.

"Maybe?" I laugh. "Well then, you should have a Merry Christmas."

"Don't laugh at me Leah, and don't act like you're better than me," she snaps.

"Ok. Tell me, when is this going to take place? Has he at least given you a date?"

"No."

"Did he say he was going to leave her or are you just guessing?"

"It's a bit more complicated than that."

"I'm sure it is." I soften my tone. "Look Kari, I'm just looking out for you. I mean don't you think it's a bit pathetic that an attractive woman like yourself has to go to every event alone like a reject because some idiot doesn't respect you enough to acknowledge you in public? Don't you get tired of always playing second? Everything is on his schedule. It's when he needs you and never when you need him - when he's available, when he has time. That's not love."

"You're being a real bitch tonight Leah. Don't judge me. Don't push me." The knife she is holding is shaking in her hand. She's seething. "People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. I might catch a few and throw them right back at you, and break your perfectly fictitious world apart."

Amused, I tell her, "Hun, you take men too seriously, especially a man who's already with someone else. It's not like he's married to her, they don't even have kids together. He has no excuse for staying. If he really wanted to leave her, he would. It's that simple."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, it is."

"Then I guess if Robert really wanted to marry you he would."

"Yeah," I tell her unmoved. "It's that simple. Which is why I'm not on his schedule, he's on mine."

"Don't be so sure of yourself Leah. Life might have a few surprises in store."

"Maybe, but Robert won't. Did I show you the earrings he got me for our anniversary?" As I model the earrings for her I can see the jealousy crushing her heart. "Nope. He's not going anywhere."

"Good for you princess."

"I have to go say hi to his boss. Love you," I tell her and head out to the party.
CHAPTER TWO

Making my way back to the living room, I see Robert on the sofa talking with his boss, David Banks. I've met him a couple of times before. He's a nice enough guy. David's only in his sixties but looks ancient. He's a recent divorcee and the future husband of any young and willing gold digger.

I walk over to them. "Happy holidays Mr. Banks."

His eyes open wide as he scans me from head to toe, before standing. "Nice to see you again Leah you're as beautiful as ever. Call me David." I avoid his dirty old man hug by extending my hand for a shake.

"You're looking at the future Mrs. Cole," Robert interjects.

I roll my eyes.

"You better snatch her up before someone else does Cole."

"Is that an offer David?"

Robert gives me a look that I don't bother heeding.

"I know a beautiful young woman like you wouldn't waste your time with this old man."

"You'll never know unless you try."

"Excuse us," Robert says, grabs me by the arm, drags me through the living room, and brings me outside. The front door closes behind us. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Let's go back inside, it's freezing out here," I tell him while hugging myself to keep warm.

His brown eyes are darkened with rage. "No. Not until you tell me why you are acting like this. What the hell has gotten into you? Are you upset about something?"

"I said I want to go inside," I snap. "My hair is getting messed up by this hypocritical snow. It's wetting my hair. It puts up the pretense of a solid but it's really a liquid, and I am sick to freaking death of it."

"What?" he asks looking at me as if I am crazy, feigning ignorance. "I don't know what you are talking about."

"Don't push my buttons Robert. Do you want me to break it down for you? If you need me to I will."

He pauses for a second then backs down. "Let's get inside before you catch a cold." I look him in the eyes. He realizes now that I know.

"Coward," I accuse as I walk pass him and into the house. I don't hear his footsteps behind me, nor do I care. Back inside I return to the couch where David is and ask him to dance. He practically jumps out of his seat with excitement.

"You move pretty well for a lawyer David." I am such a liar. If I was wearing pants they'd be on fire.

"These old bones still have some fire in them."

Whatever grandpa, I won't be finding out.

"And how does an accountant learn to move like that?"

"I have more moves than that David." He laughs a loud obnoxious laugh and pulls me closer.

Under normal circumstances I would push the old fool away and ask him if he lost his aging mind. But, Robert is staring so hard I can feel his eye balls poking me from across the room. I'll let grandpa cop a feel for a few minutes. It's the least I can do for misleading him into thinking he'll be using his Viagra pills tonight.

By the third song Robert's nowhere in sight and I've had my fill of David, so I excuse myself. "I have to go to the ladies room I'll be right back."

"I'll be waiting right here."

I strut back to the kitchen. "Hey guys," I say as I walk in.

Their conversation comes to a halt. Kari turns her back to me and begins to clean the stove. Robert remains seated by the island counter looking dazed. How did I know this is where he would be? I must be psychic.

"What were you two discussing - the weather?" I ask laughing.

"No. We were trying to figure out why you are acting like such a bitch and what's gotten into you." Robert tells me.

Kari lets out a half laugh.

"Was I? Sorry handsome." I take the seat next to Robert, run my fingers through his hair and give him a kiss. "Do you forgive me?"

"Hell no. You were grinding up on my boss."

"Kari, tell Robert to forgive me."

"You don't need me to tell him I'm sure he'll do it anyway."

"She thinks I am a sucker."

"He's a real saint." Her tone is saturated with sarcasm, and something that can be mistaken for disdain.

"What does she know?" I tease.

"Not much apparently." Kari turns from the stove and looks at us. In the name of showmanship I give him a kiss on the lips.

"I'm pissed at you Leah. You humiliated me in front of my boss and colleagues. What were you thinking?"

"You're over reacting. I was just dancing. I didn't realize it upset you so much."

"Well it did," he says angrily.

"I'm sorry. Do you forgive me?"

"I don't know," he mutters through pouted lips like a bratty child.

Wrapping my arms around his neck, I whisper in his ear loud enough for Kari to hear, "Why don't we go to my place and I make it up to you?" Telling him all the things that I'll do to him, bringing my lips to his, I facilely draw him in. It takes little effort to put him in the mood and make him forget who's around. Robert is much too easy to seduce—there lies our problem.

Turning around he grabs me by my behind and pulls me to him. It takes all I have to fight the urge to pull away. I hate playing these games, but it must be done.

"Do you want me?"

"You know I want you," he murmurs.

"Can you guys take this show somewhere else?" Kari snaps.

Robert's face becomes overlaid with tension. "Sorry."

Giving it a break I turn to Kari. "Have you left the kitchen since you got here?"

"Not yet. I'm almost done. I'll be out soon."

Robert gives a fake yawn. "I feel so tired. Are you ready to go home?"

"No, you're here all night. You have to give Kari a ride home."

"Oh."

"But, I left something in your car. Do you want to come with me to get it?"

His eyes open wide with excitement. "Come on." He grabs my hand and heads for the door.

"Hold on hun, I have to go to the ladies room first. I'll be right back. Kari will keep you company while I'm gone...Won't you Kari?" I wait for a respond but she doesn't answer. I look to her but she does not meet my stare. "Won't you keep Robert company Kari?" I persist.

"Whatever Leah," she says irritated.

"Hurry up," Robert says impatiently.

"Sure hun." I give Robert a last tender peek on the lips and exit the kitchen.

Back in the living room, I find old man Dave waiting right where I left him. After dancing to two more songs I tell him I'm ready to go. He offers to take me home, and after a few seconds of faux hesitation I accept. We say our good-byes to Carol and her husband John, who also works for David. Carol gives me a questioning look which I read as "Are you drunk or out of your mind?" Ignoring her, I grab my coat and leave the party on David Bank's arm.
CHAPTER THREE

David is very talkative on the drive to my place but I don't say much. A depression begins to set in as I ponder what has become of my life. The guilt of teasing this old fool for the sole purpose of humiliating Robert is making its way to my conscience. Exploiting the elderly is wrong on so many levels.

A few blocks before reaching my building I start to yawn. "Oh goodness, I'm so tired," I complain. Disappointment fills the air as David's enthusiasm quickly fades. He catches on quick, an attribute I'm truly appreciating.

We reach the front of my building and my tone returns to formal, just in case he had any hope still lingering. "Thanks for the ride and the dance Mr. Banks."

"Anytime," he says and hands me his business card. "Give me a call if you get a chance."

"I just might do that. Good night handsome," I tell him and exit his Jaguar.

Exhausted, I begin to get ready for bed as soon as I step inside my apartment. Checking my voicemail I see that I have fifteen messages. I play the first two. Just as I thought, they are of Robert screaming and cursing in between empty threats.

"I'm coming over. If you're not home or if anyone's over there, we are done Leah. Done!"

"Please do me the favor," I mumble to myself before deleting all his messages. Knowing I am going to have trouble sleeping, I take two sleeping pills prior to getting in bed. Within a few minutes I feel the pills taking its effects. I'm already dosing off...boom...boom... boom.

"Leah! Leah!" Robert screams out, banging on my apartment door causing me to wake back up.

"I hate my life. This needs to change." I say to myself, or maybe to God, grab a pillow and place it over my head.

Maybe I'll get lucky and suffocate.

I woke up this morning with a new life in mind. After very little thought and no planning, I've decided to move. Relocate. Start my life anew.

Where? Don't know.

How?

Not sure, but I can't spend more than five minutes at a time thinking about it or I'll lose my nerve and chicken out.

At eleven o'clock this morning, when I woke up, the first thing I did was update my resume. It took a few hours to meticulously express all of my accomplishments as an accountant and manager, but it's a pretty impressive resume, if I do say so myself. Although the economy is crap and it might take months, I think I will eventually find the right job.

Now...Where should I start looking?

New Jersey?

No, too much pollution.

Connecticut?

No. Well, maybe.

Philadelphia?

Another maybe.

Okay then, it's between Connecticut and Pennsylvania.

Which one?

I'll decide how all reckless people do - flip a coin. After searching my apartment for one, I find a penny.

"Heads Connecticut, tails Pennsylvania." I say a little prayer and toss the round piece of copper in the air. Placing my hand to catch it, I miss by less than an inch. The coin hits my hardwood floors and rolls under the couch.

You've got to be kidding me.

While dragging the couch from on top of the coin my doubts begin to surface. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe I shouldn't move. How about if my new life is worse than my life here, much worse? Before I can sort my thoughts, the couch is moved from on top the coin. I see my future - tails. I take a deep breath. Pennsylvania it is.

Later on today I'll email my updated resume to the top head hunters in PA. No, not just anywhere in PA: Philadelphia. There should be more job opportunities in a city. There's this weird head hunter that's been aggressively calling and emailing me about job opportunities for the past year, maybe I'll finally give her a call. I can't believe I'm really going to go through with this. I'm really going to leave New York and Robert.

The phone rings. I let the machine pick up.

It's Kari. "Leah pick up. I really need to talk to you." This is her third time calling today. I already know what it is she has to tell me. I can wait. Robert hasn't called yet. I guess he's still pissed about last night, or pretending to be. He's good at faking emotions. Lying and deception are his specialties. Sluggishly I undress, walk to the bathroom, turn the water on, and pour the bubbles solution in the tub. While the tub fills with warm water, I look down. My hands are shaking. Maybe I should start seeing my psychiatrist again. It's been a while since I've seen her. She was just too nosy, always in my business. She isn't God; she didn't need to know every single detail about my past.

I step into the tub and submerge myself under water. I love the feel of the heat on my skin. Slipping lower and deeper in the tub I hold my breath as my head submerges under the water.

What if I stay here and never breathe air again. Never return to the surface. Never return to life and all of its lies and unkempt promises. Would anyone miss me? No. They'd just fake it. Nothing is ever sincere.

My heart beats slowly. I like it.

When you die is it better than living? When the heart beats cease does the misery also end? Is the dead better off? I'd be better off. There is no hope for me in this life. All that lies ahead of me is disappointment. I am cursed. There is no happy ending, no happily ever after. There's misery, more misery, and when I think I've had my fill, more misery waits in the pot for me to ingest.

When I was younger, when my mother was still alive, when my parents were still married, when my father still loved me, and my innocence was not yet stolen, I was filled with ideals about the life I wanted to have, the person I wanted to be. I loved the idea of love: vulnerable, overpowering, and unmanageable. I craved it. Even as a little girl I wanted to be loved and to love without inhibitions and angles. Now I know this type of love, if not all love, is impossible to attain. So I'm willing to settle. It's my hope, my aspiration, my preference over loneliness. This is what the world has offered me. This is all that life has in store for me. My dreams along with my youth will continue to slip out of my hands with the passage of time.

From beneath the water I can hear the phone ringing. It startles me, gasping for air my body jerks up, surfacing.

I pick up on the fourth ring, "Hello."

"Hey, I've been trying to reach you all day. Were you running? You sound out of breath."

"No. I'm in the tub. What's up?" I brace myself for the answer.

"I'm pregnant," she blurts out with excitement. Biting down on the pain I congratulate her. "How far along are you?"

"Seven weeks."

"I guess that's why you were feeling so sick. Did you tell Carol?"

"Yeah." Being the last to know deepens the cut. She knew it would.

"Does Mr. X know?"

She hesitates. "I don't want to get into this with you Leah. This isn't about him it's about my baby."

"Kari, I have to go. I'm in the tub."

"Ok," she says disheartened.

I quickly hang up. I could tell that she wanted to speak for hours but I'm only human. I can only take so much.

Today was one of my hardest days. I spoke to five head hunters from Philadelphia and all were impressed with my resume but all told me the same thing, "There's nothing out there. The economy is bad. It might take several months to land an interview and at least twice as long to get a job offer."

I'm stuck here.

As I walk into my apartment my phone rings. "Hey, Carol."

"What's up?"

"Why didn't you tell me that Kari is pregnant? How long have you known?"

"Two weeks, and it wasn't my business to tell."

"Alright," I tell her bitterly. "I'll remember this."

"Save the drama Leah. I'm pregnant myself and I plan on staying drama free for the rest of this pregnancy."

"What did you want Carol? I'm busy."

"I just called to see how you were doing."

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"What happened Saturday night? Did Banks get lucky or what?"

"Yeah, he took some Viagra pills and we went at it all night."

She laughs. "Robert went insane when he realized you went home with Banks. He stormed out the house like the devil was on his tail. Poor Kari was left stranded. I had to drop her home."

"You should have let John take her. You're pregnant you shouldn't go out that late."

"You think I am going to send my husband home with Kari alone. Do I look stupid to you? I'd be asking for trouble." I don't respond.

"She's my friend and I love her but I don't trust her with my man. Anyone who does is foolish."

"I don't believe in babysitting grown men."

"Ok Leah, you keep on living in fairy tale land, maybe someday you'll relocate to reality to reside with the rest of us."

"A man can want who he wants and love who he loves. It's not my right to deprive a person of that freedom, with obligation, guilt, tears, or anything else."

"Whatever. There's no way you can believe that."

I change the topic. "Kari wants me to go to her first ultra sound. Can you go instead?"

"Heck no, I am not condoning her scandalous behavior, and besides I didn't knock her up. She needs to have Mr. X man up and take her. Why would she even ask such a favor of you?"

"We've been friends since junior high Carol. We're sisters."

"And what am I, chop liver?"

"Please don't fake like you're offended you tough skinned crocodile."

"I could have been offended, I'm pregnant and emotional."

"But you're not."

My cell phone rings - it's Robert.

"Let me talk to you later Carol, I have to fix myself something to eat."

I hang up with Carol and pick up my cell. "Hello."

"What's up?" He sounds guarded.

"Kari's pregnant, did you hear?"

He pauses. "Nah, John didn't mention it."

"Oh, I thought she might have told you herself."

"Why would she tell me that? We're not close like that. How far along is she? Who's the father?"

"That guy that she's sneaking around with of course."

His tone remains guarded. "I never met him."

"Me neither, I don't even know his name, but I know that he's an idiot." My temper begins to get away from me. "Only an idiotic moron would get his woman on the side pregnant. How careless, how stupid..."

"Calm down Leah. I didn't call to talk about Kari and her baby or her baby daddy. Kari is no saint. The baby probably isn't even the poor guys."

"Yes, it is. But I'm sure he'll probably use the same excuse because he's a coward. I hope his girlfriend leaves him. She probably will. What woman would put up with that? It'd be easier to cut clean. Besides, it's not like he loves her."

He takes a deep exasperated breath. "Are you done? Leah this -"

"And can you believe the bastard doesn't want to go to the ultrasound with her. She had to ask me to go."

"Are you going?"

"No, it's not my place. He needs to man up and go."

"Look," he snaps. "Instead of focusing on Kari and her baby why don't you focus on us, and possibly having my baby one day?"

"I don't plan on being trapped with your little bastard Robert."

"Since we no longer have sex, neither of us needs to worry about that." He strikes below the belt.

There's silence on the line.

He finally speaks. "What happened Saturday night? I spent a half an hour knocking on your door, why didn't you let me in?"

I hesitate.

"Well?"

My voice is shaky, "Robert...We're over...I can't do this anymore."

He stays silent for a few seconds. "Are you sure that's what you want? You need to think this over Leah. After five years -"

"I wish you the best Robert and hope you find the right woman or maybe you already have. Good-bye."

"Leah, think -"

I hang up before he can mind fuck me anymore. Looking down at my hands I see that they are shaking uncontrollably. I have to focus to put the phone down on the kitchen counter. Afraid that my legs are about to buckle, I take a seat at the kitchen table. An anxiety attack is about to come on. Carefully, I walk to the medicine cabinet and take two Atavans.

The beginning of a matter rarely resembles its end. If I had known this is where our relationship would lead, I would have definitely skipped that Christmas party five years ago.

CHAPTER FOUR

It's been three weeks since Robert and I ended our relationship. During those weeks I thought a lot about how my father left my mother and their marriage. He left without a warning. He just never came home one night. I didn't have time to distance myself, harden my heart, and tell him I hate him, or at least rebel.

For twelve years he pretended to love me. Then just like that - he bailed. I meant nothing to him. He no longer wanted me. I was in the way, an inconvenience in his new life. How can a father not love his own daughter? I never thought he could have abandoned me like that, but he did. His price \- a mistress that wanted to be a doctor's wife. She didn't even love him - I did.

Loving someone is never enough when they don't love you back.

He was supposed to be my protector but he did me the most harm. He was supposed to provide me with love and security. Instead he delivered me into the hands of Satan, who crushed my spirit.

My father, the only man I've ever loved, handed me over to a monster to appease his wife. Effortlessly he went on with his life, enjoying his wealth and prestige, as I was being gutted open, as my soul rotted.

No matter how much I dress and bandage the wounds they never heal.

This Christmas I spent alone. It was my first Christmas on my own. Oddly enough I preferred it that way. The whole day was spent in bed watching television and reading romance novels. I didn't bother to shower. I spoke to Carol and John for a few minutes and told their kids Merry Christmas.

Robert called he wanted to bring my Christmas gift over since he already bought it. I didn't pick up.

I didn't call Kari, and she didn't call me - fuck her!

Shortly after Christmas I called the head hunters to see if any new positions had come up - nothing. Desperate, I called that weird aggressive head hunter Denise. She actually had a couple of positions. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

If nothing comes up by the end of the week I'm going to start looking in Connecticut or maybe further. I was considering Atlanta, but I'm afraid. I'd be too homesick. I wouldn't be able to visit my mom.

On New Year's Day, I went to visit my mother's grave. I spent most of the day crying. I miss her so much. Her love was real and unconditional. No one else will love me like she did.

Every time I look in the mirror I see her. Beyond the fullness of my thick lips, my complexion, and my chocolate almond shaped eyes, I see her rage, I see her fears, and I see her loneliness. April eighth will make it fourteen years since she died, since the cancer ate up my heart until nothing was left.

For ten months I watched her in agony, in her own hell, slowly being consumed by such a merciless disease. The cancer devoured her. By the time the end came I couldn't remember the buoyant woman she once was. Sometimes I felt rage towards my father for leaving her to go through this alone, most of the time I was just in awe to see how strong she was. He didn't deserve her.

About a year after my dad left she found Jesus. He was the man that was going to heal her heart. She told me he'd love her with such a perfect love. She truly believed it.

Two years later she dropped dead.

As she was dying, barely able to speak, all she did was worry about me. She kept saying, "I'm ok. I'm ok. Don't cry baby." When her eyes closed for the last time and the last breath escaped her body, I was alone and unloved for the first time in my life. Whatever part of my heart I was able to salvage after my father's abandonment died with my mother.

If Christianity is real then my mother died a Christian and she is in heaven, but in real life terms she had no guarantees. Christians live their lives thinking God is with us, so they do things by faith, as my mother did - and my mom dropped dead. She wasn't healed. She's dead! The consolidation that I'm given is that she is in a better place. I needed her with me, and she wanted to be with me. So how is death a better place?

If God exits I'd be a fool to turn my back on him. But I need a measuring stick, evidence that this faith is not a head trip like everything else in this crocked world. My mom being healed of cancer instead of dropping dead would have been real evidence of God's existence.

How do I know that this man called Jesus was what they said he was - The Savior? My own father couldn't...no, wouldn't love me. Yet I'm supposed to believe that this God downgraded himself into human form and willingly died a miserable death just for me? Isn't this the same God that couldn't or wouldn't heal my mother of cancer when I needed her so desperately? Maybe I'm missing something but I don't get it. Why do one and not the other?

My life would have gone so differently if my mom lived. I would have never gone to live with my dad. His wife would have never kicked me out. I would have never had to move in with her fifty year old brother Ken. The things that happened to me would have never happened. Thank goodness for Kari. She was all I had during those days. She saved my life. I was in a soul deadening hell that I wanted out of. It didn't take me long before I got up the courage to slit my wrist.

My hospital stay only lasted a week. I enjoyed being in the hospital. I preferred it to being at Ken's place. I feared him then. Sometimes when the nurses came to check on me I'd sense someone in the room and wake up screaming thinking that was him coming to my room again.

When Kari came to visit me in the hospital there was a barrage of tears. She took my hospitalization much worse than I did.

"What happened?" Sitting by me on the side of my hospital bed her voice was like a whisper, barely audible over her sniffles. "Why did you do it?"

Shrugging my shoulders I looked passed her at the TV, The Cosby Show was on. "I don't know. I just wanted to I guess. "

She burst into another unbearable fit of tears. The heavy shaking of her shoulders stirred the bed. Keeping my eyes glued on the television I tried my best to ignore her. I couldn't afford to feel anything at that moment, before I completely fell apart.

"You're not going to tell me?"

When her emotions ebbed, I brought my gaze back to her. "I don't want to talk about it." A tear slipped out pass my emotional barricade. Quickly, I turned my head towards the wall so she wouldn't see my tears.

"But we tell each other everything." There was an angry edge in her tone. "Was it what's his face?" I nodded and wiped my eyes. Shame stopped me from looking at her.

"Did he hurt you?"

I nodded again.

She was so quiet I could hear her breathe.

I mopped my tears and finally looked at her. "Kari? Are you ok?"

She looked at me, her face was expressionless. "Yeah. I'm ok. You're the one in the hospital. Move aside let me get on the bed." I scooted over, giving her enough space to lie down next to me. "Are you going back to your dads?"

"No. My dad thinks it best I stay where I'm at."

"Do you think he's gonna stop?"

I shook my head, and wiped the tears blurring my vision.

She sighed, "Come here." She placed her arm around me like a mother would to comfort a child, and she smoothed my hair while I continued to cry.

"Well," she said casually, breaking the repetition of my sniffles. "We can always kill him."

Her comment pulled a startled laugh out of me that had snot flowing out of my nose. It was my first laugh in weeks. Wiping my noise with the bed sheet I sighed with regret. "No, that's a sin. It's one of the Ten Commandments."

"That's silly. It's not a sin when you're sending the devil to hell." She was very matter of fact about it.

Confused and overwhelmed, I changed the topic to Kari's favorite one, Jason Cunningham, the love of her life. "How's Jason?"

"He got accepted into The University of Penn."

"That's an ivy league school. He must be psyched." I tried my best to sound happy for him.

"He's very excited." There was a sharp sadness in her words.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't understand how he can be happy about leaving me."

"You still have a few months together before he leaves."

"That won't be enough."

"He's only going to college Kari. He'll be back."

"It's in another state. We won't see each other and when he comes back he won't want me anymore. I can't compete with those college girls. We're pretty much over. I'm just gonna break up with him before summer begins. You're all I have left."

"I'm not staying either." She closed her eyes against the tears. Taking a deep breath she asked, "What do you mean? Where are you going?"

"I'm going to run away."

"And go where?" Her eyes popped open, bulging, red and piercing through me.

I shrugged my shoulders. "I don't know, maybe Mexico."

"Mexico?" I watched her heart sink then shatter.

"Yeah. I'll get a job dancing at one of those resorts. With all the dance classes that bitch forced me to take, I should be able to land a job."

"When are you leaving for Mexico?"

"Not sure." I was leaving for Mexico as soon as I got back to Ken's.

"Oh, sis you can't leave me." She grabbed my arm as if to stop me from leaving.

"You'll be fine."

Blindly I returned my gaze to the television. Bill Cosby was still playing the part of the perfect dad with his perfect family. It didn't ring through as real. Right then I realized Kari and I were family. We weren't perfect like the Cosbys but that was alright, because prefect families were only fit for television.

"When are you checking out?" Her tears dried, her expression was somber and determined.

"Wednesday."

"Is your dad coming to pick you up?"

"No. He doesn't have the time. He's letting what's his face pick me up."

"I hate your father. How can he send you back to live with that bastard?"

"That's ok. I think he'll leave me alone the first night."

"I'll come with you. I'll spend the night." She insisted eagerly. "My mom is working the night shift all through next week."

"No. Please don't. He'll hurt you."

She waved away my concern with a hand. "Don't worry I can handle him. It'll be great. We can prank call Jason and tell him there was an error and he was not really accepted to University of Penn, so he'll have to say in New York."

"He knows your voice Kari."

"True...Maybe you can call?"

"Kari, he's not going to fall for it."

"Please...I love him so much. I'll never love anyone else the same way." Her eyes were quickly regaining their gloss, feeling her sadness I conceded.

"Fine, I'll call."

The more thoughts of my past fill my head the harder it gets to leave my bed and return to living in the present. I've called out sick from work for the past three days, and I don't feel like going back. Maybe I'll quit, and move to Pennsylvania or wherever without a job. I can live on my savings and take any job in the meantime, even a staff accountant or bookkeeper position.

The fullness of my bladder finally motivates me to get out of bed. Slowly I drag myself off the bed. On my way to the bathroom I glance at the clock, it's four in the afternoon. I guess that means it's time to brush my teeth and take a shower.

The phone rings, I ignore it and let the machine pick up, it might be Kari calling. She's the last person that I want to talk to right now.

"Good afternoon Leah, this is Denise Kalzowitz from Finance Professionals. United Blue, one of the companies that I sent your resume to is interested in setting up an interview..." I run out of the bathroom and snatched the phone off the receiver before she hangs up.

"Hello," I say in between heavy breaths.

"Leah?"

"Good afternoon Denise." I take a few deep breaths to compose myself.

"I tried to reach you on your cell phone but I kept getting your voicemail. I figured I'd try your home phone." I have to remember to charge my cell phone. "Which position is this?"

"It's the corporate controller position at United Blue."

"United Blue." I hesitate, remembering I didn't really want that job. They are paying less than what I'm making now and are only number seven in their industry. I've never settled for less than number one professionally. I can hear my father's wife criticizing me in my head. "Even with a degree from Yale she can't be the best, what a disappointment. Never was worth all the effort I put into her."

"Are you still interested?" Denise asks.

"I'm not sure. I'll have to get back to you."

"What are your reservations?" She sounds alarmed. "You told me to send your resume there. They are very interested in you."

"They are paying less than I'm making now."

"Salary is always something that can be negotiated. They are very eager to meet with you. I've already set up a tentative interview."

"What?" Now I'm vexed. "If I knew this was how you conducted business I would have never gotten in contact with you." I knew there was something wrong with this lady, the way she consistently bombarded me with emails for the past year didn't feel right. Why don't I follow my instincts?

"How does next Tuesday at three sounds?"

"I'm not going."

"Leah, I apologize for not confirming with you first but this is a very important client. All you have to do is go meet with them. We'll cover all of you travel expenses...There's nothing else out there." Unfortunately, she has me on that point. It's not like I have any other options in this economy.

"Tuesday at three sounds fine."

She exhales loudly, releasing a lung full of air that I did not realize she was holding in. "Great. When you arrive ask for Rachel Schwartz in human resources. After speaking to Rachel for a few minutes you'll then interview with the CFO, Peter Boyd. He's a great guy. I'll send you a confirmation email with the address."

"Fine."

There's no way that I can take this job. How can I leave Deloitte, the top accounting firm, for the number seven company in the insurance industry? I'll do the interview. Denise didn't really leave me much of a choice, but there's no way that I can take this job.

I'll have to use United Blue as practice. It won't hurt to get out of these four walls and be out of New York for a few days. I'll leave Friday night after work. There's so much to do: book a hotel room, get my hair done and research the company. A spark of excitement is making its way through me.

"Job interview?" Carol asks. "Why are looking for a new job?"

"Because I am. Now help me decide what to wear." She rolls herself off the bed belly first, and wobbles to the closet. Taking my brown pants suit off the rack she asks, "How about this?"

"No, it's tight on my butt. Not good for an interview."

"But you look hot in it. Besides this job is in Philadelphia there's no way you're leaving New York. You're too much of a chicken."

"I'm Leaving Carol. I know you're going to miss me."

She rolls her eyes. "As I was saying, since you're not going to leave Philly with a job you might at least try for a man."

"You're lucky you're knocked up, you rude woman." Grabbing my two best power suits off the rack I place them in front of me side by side. "The navy blue or the black?"

"The black," she answers after considering, and wobbles back to the bed. "And wear your hair down."

I consider the suggestion. "No, wearing my hair up will look more professional."

"You look hotter with it down, almost exotic. Just do it...Since Robert is temporarily out of the picture, you seriously need to catch yourself a man. Then you can trap him with a baby like Kari did," Carol laughs wickedly.

"That's not funny. Don't talk about her like that. Don't judge her."

"Ok fine. I'll stop being truthful. Tell me about this job, have you researched it or are you just going to wing it?"

"It's an insurance company with about ninety billion dollars in annual revenue."

"That's not horrible."

"It's larger than I originally thought, but their financials appear off to me. Their revenue has doubled in the past five years since this Jacob Boyd has been CEO. Although most of the excess revenue is attributed to a subsidiary pharmaceutical company, there are a lot of red flags. For example -"

"I told you that you're not going anywhere. You're already talking yourself out of the job."

"And it pays ten thousand less than I'm making now."

"Cost of living is less in PA."

"I thought you didn't want me to move, but it seems like you're trying to talk me into it."

"It's not that I don't want you to move I just don't think you have the guts to do it. My cousin Terry lives in Philadelphia and she loves it."

Before walking out of the closet I place both suits back on the rack. "This is just a practice interview but the real one is going to come along and I'm going to leave New York, you'll see."

"If you say so."

"I do say so."

"I won't hold my breath. I'm hungry. What do you have here to eat?" Before I can respond she rolls off the bed and wobbles towards the kitchen.

CHAPTER FIVE

Center City Philadelphia is much less packed than Manhattan or even Brooklyn. Compared to New York it can barely be considered a city. The amount of skyscrapers in Center City, if they can be called that, is a fraction of those in Manhattan. Philadelphians are nothing like New Yorkers, their fashion sense sucks. Even the pigeons are uglier in Philadelphia. But I must admit the city does have a charm to it.

Sunday I went to Love Park. It's small but appealing with curved granite steps, a red "Love" sculpture in upper-case letters arranged in a square with a tilted letter O, and a single spout fountain which was off. I'm guessing it's on in the summer. If it weren't for the glances I was receiving from a homeless guy, I would have spent hours there. Instead, I decided to go back to my hotel and ordered room service.

Waking up grumpy and disinterested this morning I took a shower, ate breakfast, watched some television and went back to bed. Rising back up around noon, I washed the sleep off my face, got dressed, did my make-up and left for my interview.

It's snowing out. I wasn't sure how long it would take to walk to the United Blue building from my hotel in high heels, which is why I headed out at one-thirty. It's one-fifty now and I've already reached the building. I have about an hour to burn.

Standing in front of the building it doesn't look like much. I adjust my scarf on my head to better shelter my hair from the snow, and look around. The streets are covered with dirty grey slush that was once clean white snow. The United Blue building has a restaurant attached to it.

"Blue Cantina." Reading the green and blue sign above the restaurant to myself, I consider going in there to past the time, but quickly reject the thought.

Sighing, I walk through the revolving doors of the building, and head towards the security desk. There's a young rent a cop at the desk, I inform him that I have an appointment with Rachel Schwartz. While he's checking, something pulls at my insides. Reflexively my gaze moves across the floor...it lands on a very attractive well-dressed, well-built man with a goatee and hair as dark as mid-night. He's standing at the lobby entrance of the restaurant.

Our eyes meet - a shiver goes down my spine, my skin is tingling. Although I've caught him gawking at me he doesn't have the decency to be embarrassed and look away. Uncomfortable and unsure of how single people communicate, I give him what I think is a 'you may have a chance' smile.

He doesn't return it.

Jerk. He's probably gay.

Feeling completely rejected and foolish, I look away. I should have never come here. Being here is a total waste of my time.

"Your appointment is at three," the security guy informs me.

"Yes, I know." He begins to prepare a visitor's pass. Looking back towards the restaurant entrance, the gawker is now accompanied by a platinum blonde who is playing with his tie.

So much for my gay theory.

Such a cheap blonde, with such an expensive suit, go figure. Finding myself quickly getting irritated and bored with people watching, I turn my attention back to the security desk.

"Here you go Ms. Lovemann," the security guy says and hands me the visitor's pass.

"Where is your ladies room?"

"There's one on the twenty-third floor by the cafeteria."

"Thanks," I tell him and head for the elevator. I can feel the clash of the cheap blonde and expensive suit coming up behind me. Attempting to avoid being stuck in the elevator with the two of them, I slow down.

They walk pass me. I continue to do my impersonation of a tortoise on a stroll, allowing the distance between us to increase. They reach the front of the elevator. Crap! I'm still too close. The doors open and of course - Blondie decides to hold the elevator doors for me.

Damn it! Can't she take a hint?

"Thanks," I tell her with an appreciative smile.

Stepping into the elevator I take a quick inventory of him. His suit fits him very well. I'm guessing it's custom made, and his shoes look Berluti. His watch is a Rolex Daytona - black leather band, white dial with gold Arabic numerals. A watch says a lot about a man, and a Daytona says 'I not only make six figures but I also have good taste'. But with this guy I'm not sure about the good taste part he could have gone much classier than the cheap arm candy.

"I just hate it when I miss the elevator by a few seconds," Blondie says.

"Yeah," is all I care to respond, trying to look everywhere but at them.

"What floor?" she asks standing by the elevator buttons with a perky smile. The Daytona is standing next to her.

"Twenty-third." The elevator doors close. He begins to cut me open with a long dissecting stare, making me feel extremely self-conscious.

Is there something on my face? I hope I don't have an exposed bugger dangling from my nostrils. That would be humiliating, but I checked the mirror before leaving the hotel and again when I reached the building. To avoid the discomfort of his stare I turn and face the doors.

"Are you an auditor?" Blondie asks pressing the twenty-three button.

At least she knows her numbers.

"Excuse me?" I turn to look at her, but my eyes land on her weird side-kick, who I'm now certain, is a handicapped mute with a nerve dysfunction in the eye.

"The auditing department, it's on the twenty-third floor."

"No, I'm not an auditor, just going to the cafeteria." That was polite talk for 'mind your business'.

Finally, the elevator reaches the twenty-third floor. The cafeteria has several empty tables. Spotting a table by the window I saunter over to it, take off my coat and scarf and sit down. The view isn't that great so I pull out a book.

Again the feel of someone's stare pulls at my attention. Looking up from the book, I find Rolex Daytona from the elevator two tables away staring at me again. This is ridiculous. He is acting as if this is his first time being up close to a woman that wasn't his cousin.

My first instinct is to play tit for tat and have a stare down with him. Then walk over there and give him a piece of my mind, but the cafeteria is near empty and he seems mentally unstable, so I opt to return to my book.

After ten minutes of looking blankly at page two hundred, I decide to put the book away. Looking up, I'm relieved to see that my stalker is gone. Checking my watch, it's already ten to. I better hurry. I grab my stuff and head to my interview

On the thirtieth floor the reception area is right by the elevators. There is a middle aged Latino woman behind the desk. I inform her that I have an appointment with Rachel Schwartz in Human Resources. A few minutes later Rachel comes to the reception area to greet me. We make small talk as I follow her to a conference room down the hall. She asks a few questions about my resume. Knowing that she knows nothing about accounting I keep my answers short and simple.

"I don't think I have any more questions. Do you have any more questions for me?" I pretend to consider then tell her no.

"I'll have Peter come in."

"Alright."

"He should be in shortly," she informs me before exiting the room. Alone in the windowless rectangular room I stand up and smooth out my suit. After pulling the mirror from my purse for on last check I sit back down and wait. Moments later, a well-built caramel toned man walks into the room. He seems as surprised to see me as I am to see him.

"Leah Lovemann?"

"You're correct," I say coolly.

"Just making sure, I've walked into the wrong room before and interviewed the wrong person."

I half laugh. "When did you realize it was the wrong person?"

"An hour later, at the end of the interview."

"I don't believe you. You seem too smart for that."

"Well, it's true. I guess I'm dumber than I look." He smiles, exposing the light hint of dimples.

"That's not what I meant."

"No worries, but seriously, Jacob, he's dumber than he looks. Don't tell him I told you." I laugh politely.

"Peter Boyd," he says extending his hand; I connect with a firm grip. Peter is confident and relaxed which makes me feel comfortable. As he places his paper work on the table a gold band on his left ring finger catches my eye.

"Tell me about yourself Leah." He settles into the seat directly across the table from me.

"Sure." I begin to go through my experience with Deloitte.

He cuts me off. "I meant personally. Tell me about you as a person. We'll go into your professional background when Jacob joins us."

"Jacob Boyd the CEO?" Denise told me I would only be interviewing with Peter. She is so incompetent.

"Correct. Will that be a problem?"

"No not at all. He must be an extremely hands on CEO. Does he usually take part in interviews?"

"Let's continue. Where were we...oh, you were telling me about yourself."

I'm taken off guard by the way he evades my question but I'll roll with it. "What would you like to know?"

"Anything you want to tell me?"

"As you can tell from my resume I'm from New York. I live in Brooklyn."

"Did you grow up there?"

"I grew up in Greenwich Village."

"Nice are. Why do you want to leave New York?"

I anticipated the question and give the answer that I rehearsed. "I'm ready for a challenge. I want to leave public accounting and focus on the insurance industry."

"And you don't want to do that in New York?"

"No," is all that I offer him as a response.

"Do you have family there?"

"No." My irritation is expressed in my tone. "Why?"

"I just want to make sure you won't get home sick after a couple of months and move back. That's all, nothing more. How are you enjoying Philadelphia so far?"

"I like it."

"I went to school in Brooklyn, my brothers and I."

"Where?" The change in topic slightly interests me.

"Brooklyn College."

"Really?" How does someone who graduates from Brooklyn College become the CFO of a multi-billion dollar corporation? I went to Yale and I am applying for a corporate controller position. The scales don't feel balanced here.

"That's where I met my wife. She -" There's a knock on the door. "That's probably Jake. Come in." The door opens. I shift my body to see the person...

Oh no - Jacob Boyd is Rolex Daytona. Crap!

Ridiculous things like this only happen to me.

His face is expressionless when he sees me. I swallow hard and struggle to remain poised.

He walks in and closes the door behind him. Peter makes the introduction. "Leah, this is Jacob our CEO." Rising from my chair, I maintain eye contact and extend my hand to greet him with a professional hand shake.

"Hello, I'm Leah Lovemann."

"Jacob Boyd." He takes my hand in a formal quick firm grip before taking the seat next to Peter.

"Should we start?" Peter suggests. "Tell us about your experience at Deloitte."

As I go through my time at Deloitte and my management experience I'm pretty confident. My energy level is high. I'm maintaining eye contact with both men and talking at a steady pace.

"I manage a diverse staff of six..."

Jacob's eyes become fixed on me. He is surveying me with such an intimate familiarity. It's disconcerting to say the least. I'm struggling to remain collected.

Bringing my gaze back to Peter I continue with my explanation. "My staff consists of auditors from different industries and different skill levels. My ability to manage them so efficiently..." Returning my gaze to Jacob, our eyes lock for several seconds too long. Transfixed and unraveling I lose my train of thought and stop speaking mid-sentence.

"Please continue Leah," Peter says snapping me back into reality.

"Definitely...as I was saying...let me rephrase that..." I'm not sure what to rephrase since I can't remember what I was saying or what I was about to say. With my composure now gone, I begin fiddling with my hands like an intimated associate straight out of college. To buy myself a few seconds I clear my throat. Needing something to say, I begin to babble about my management style, not sure if I'm making sense.

"Take your time," Peter says patiently while writing something down on a sticky note. He places the note on what appears to be financial statements that he brought with him. "Excuse me Leah...I forgot to give this to you Jake." Peter slides the note and financials to Jacob who continues to make me wish I had super powers so I can turn invisible.

"What changes, if any, would you make to your management style to transition into this position?" Peter asks. Composing my nerves, I answer his question while risking a quick glance at Jacob, who reads the note than crumbles it up. I continue to explain the flexibility of my management style by using the diversity of my current staff as an example.

"Excuse me," Jacob stands up from his chair leaving the financials on the table. "I have a meeting that I must attend. It was a pleasure meeting you Ms. Lovemann."

"The feeling is mutual, Mr. Boyd." My legs are too weak to get up. I offer him an ungainly wave of the hand.

Instantly, after his exit I exhale an internal sigh of relief. What was all that about? Really weird.

"What experience do you have in the insurance industry?" Peter asks without offering any explanation for Jacob Boyd's behavior. In response to his question I throw the names of Deloitte's top clients in the insurance industry at him, and follow that up with my solid Sarbanes Oxley experience.

Somehow, we end up talking about our college years, politics, and how much I will love Philadelphia. The more we talk the more the idea of working for Peter is becoming appealing. Jacob is a little weird but no work place is perfect.

"So how soon can you start?" Peter asks taking me off guard.

Did he just offer me the job?

"Well," I say hesitantly. "Whatever job I choose to accept, I'll need to give Deloitte three weeks notice."

Smiling at me coyly he plays offended. "Whatever job you choose to accept? You're being courted Ms. Lovemann. Over here at United Blue we don't take rejection well. It's a self-esteem thing."

I laugh. "Really, I wasn't aware of that."

"Now you know so -"

There's another knock at the door.

"Come in," Peter calls out.

It's the cheap blonde that held the elevator doors for me earlier today. She sees me, a surprised look chases across her sharp features, swiftly followed by a smile. I don't return the smile. "Excuse me Peter Jacob would like to speak with you."

"Sure," he says getting up. "Ashley this is Leah Lovemann our new corporate controller for the Northeast region." I give him a questioning look.

That was a definite job offer.

"Leah, this is Ashley Pratt, Jacob's Administrative Assistant."

"Nice to meet you Ashley."

"We already met in the elevator," Ashley reminds me. I pretend as if I don't know what she's talking about. "It was me, you, and Jacob."

"That's right. I remember. You held the elevator doors for me."

"Nice to see you again."

"I'll be right back," Peter tells me before following Ashley out the door.

A few minutes later Peter returns looking uneasy. "Leah, something has come up requiring my attention. I have to return to my office. I'll have Ashley show you out."

"No problem."

After leaving the United Blue building I take my time walking back to the hotel. Looking around at Philadelphia, it's beginning to feel like home, my new home. This feels right, this is where I belong. Maybe I'll stay an extra day and go look at some apartments tomorrow, since I'm already here.
CHAPTER SIX

I want to get this over with, which is why I decided to go by Kari's right after work. Walking the two blocks from the train station to her apartment, I call her up. She doesn't answer. I lived here for three years before moving out a year into my relationship with Robert.

A couple minutes pass and I call her again - still no answer. I reach the front of her building and see Robert's car. I feel the knives they stabbed in my back digging deeper, and flinch from the pain. No matter how many times I see his plates here it never gets easy, but this time I'm not going to turn around and go back home. I'm not pretending anymore. Robert and I are over. No one needs to pretend anymore.

My heart is pumping its way out through my throat when the elevator reaches her floor. I walk to her door and knock. She doesn't answer. I continue to knock for five minutes before she comes to the door.

"Hi Leah," Kari says hiding behind the door. "What's up?"

"Can I come in?"

"Sure," she steps out of the way. Passing her to go inside I smell him on her, his cologne, his sweat, and his semen. The urge to vomit pesters my stomach. I take a seat on the living room sofa, and wonder how many times they were intimate on it.

"I tried calling but you didn't pick up."

She closes the door and walks towards me. She's wearing the green silk robe that I got her for Christmas a couple years ago. The pure irony of it makes me laugh.

"What's so funny?"

"I got you that robe for Christmas a couple years ago."

"Yeah so?"

"That's funny to me. Is Robert here I thought I saw his car outside."

"No. He lent it to me. I was having trouble with my car."

"Of course, that explains it. Am I interrupting? Do you have company?"

"Yeah."

"Mr. X?"

"Yeah."

"I won't be long. I just want to give you your Christmas present."

"Hold on let me get yours."

"No. Don't." I stop her from walking away by patting the cushion next to me. "Sit." With a deep breath I push aside the hurt. "I think you will make a good mom," I tell her and give her a hug.

"Thanks little sis, I needed to hear that. I love you."

Unable to return those three words I get to the point. "I found a job."

Surprised she says, "I didn't know you were looking."

"I gave my two week notice to Deloitte today. I was planning on giving them three, but I'm eager to move on."

"Wow, I didn't know you were unhappy there."

"I'm leaving New York."

A smile comes on her face.

Her initial reaction, although predictable, is disheartening.

"Really? Where are you moving to?"

"Pennsylvania."

"Oh, that's close."

"You would have preferred me further?" I allow the hurt to show in my eyes, but I'm not sure if she notices or cares.

"When are you leaving?"

"In two weeks. I've already put down a security deposit on this small house in the suburbs. When I saw it I just had to have it. And I bought a car."

"A car?"

"Yep. A black BMW 328i. It's going to be delivered to my new place in PA, a few days after I move in."

"Wow, you're really moving fast with this."

"Life's too short to waste it being in the way of others."

She doesn't say anything.

"Doesn't Jason live in Pennsylvania?"

"Jason who?" Her tone is instantly abrasive.

"Jason Cunningham, you dated him in high school."

"Why does it matter if he lives in PA?"

"Maybe, I'll see him. I wonder what he's up to. I have to remember to search for him on Facebook."

"Whatever Leah," Kari snaps.

Both she and I continue to give the other the cold shoulder. After sitting in silence for a few more minutes I decide it's time to leave.

"I just came by to tell you about my move...I have to go to the bathroom."

I get up and walk down the hallway, I pass the bathroom door and continue until I reach Kari's bedroom door. Unsure of myself or what my reaction will be, I pause. Screw it. I grab hold of the door knob. It's locked.

Of course it's locked. He's a coward.

When I return to the living room Kari is still sitting on the couch. The sight of her lets me know that I am doing the right thing - she's the happiest I've seen her in a while.

"Alright, I'm going to go. I'll see you if I see you." I head for the front door, she follows me.

"Where's my Christmas gift?"

"That was it."

"What?" She genuinely looks confused.

I look her in the eyes. "Leaving New York, that's my gift. You can have Robert. He's my gift to you." She doesn't say anything. Not a sorry or forgive me for betraying our friendship. I guess her silence says it all. "I'm so tired of hating you more than I love you. I wish things...I wish we could go back to the way we were. I wish we could be close again."

I grab hold of the door knob. "Good-bye sis."

"Leah," her voice is a whisper. "I'm so sorry Leah. I love you. Nothing can change that. You're all that I have."

My heartbreaks and my tears begin to pour. She holds me tight. We stay like that for a while, both of us in tears.
CHAPTER SEVEN

I promised myself that I wouldn't panic but I'm beginning to panic.

It's been a week and a half since the interview and I haven't heard a word from United Blue. Throughout the work day and the whole train ride home I tried to think of a logical explanation as to why they haven't called but I have yet to come up with a good one. What if I don't get the job? Can I still move? I'll have to. For my dignity, I'll have to go through with the move, but what if I never find a job? Then I'll use up my savings and eventually go broke. I'll be evicted. They'll repossess my new car. My darling BMW, how am I losing you before I even have you?

This is why I don't take risk. This is why I always play it safe. I know what I'll do. I'll ask Deloitte for my job back. No. I've already decided I can't stay in New York. I've declared my departure. Everyone is waiting to see if I have the balls to go through with it.

By the time I walk the five blocks from the train station to my building I'm in the middle of a mild panic attack. I begin to talk my nerves calm, "Take it easy Leah. You're over reacting. You're scheduled to move this weekend and that's exactly what you're going to do." Besides I'm sure I got the job at United Blue, Peter Boyd made it clear that he wanted me for the position. He practically offered me the position right there on the spot. I'm just getting cold feet, worrying for nothing.

When I enter the lobby to my building, I see Robert there looking like a pitiful loser. I walk pass him without any form of acknowledgement. He follows me into the elevator.

"What do you want Robert?" I ask while I search for my keys in front of my apartment door - found them.

"You were going to leave without telling me good-bye?"

"I've already told you good-bye." I open my door. He places his foot in the doorway blocking me from closing it in his face.

"Can I come in?"

"No. Please move your foot."

"After five years you can't give me a few minutes of your time?"

"No, I can't. Please move your foot."

"I'm not leaving until I say what I have to say."

"Fine," I say and let him in. "Say what you have to say then leave." He follows me into the kitchen and watches while I throw something in the microwave.

Looking distressed, he rakes his hands through his fade, and takes a seat at the kitchen table. "I'm not sure what to say."

"Why? You haven't gotten your lies together yet?" I ask tapping my fingers impatiently on the granite counter top.

"I've never lied to you Leah."

"Another lie, but I don't hold it against you. You can't help it. You're just speaking your native tongue."

"So you really think I'm sleeping with Kari?"

"Yeah, especially since you were in her bedroom hiding when I was at her apartment last week."

"What? I wasn't in her damn bedroom. I was at work unable to focus, thinking of you." He looks genuinely shocked and offended, acting the role of the falsely accused boyfriend meticulously.

"If you weren't there, how do you know what I told Kari?"

"When I went to pick up my car from Kari's place she told me some ridiculous story about you coming over there convinced that I was the father of her baby."

"Ridiculous?" I ask calmly.

"Of course that's ridiculous. Is this why you're doing all this, 'cause you think I've been sleeping with Kari?"

"She admitted it to me."

"That's impossible." He snaps, defending his innocence with over the top outrage. "She'd never tell you that...It's not true. Kari is a nut job. She weirds me out and scares the crap out me most of the time. I'd never have an affair with her?"

"Well that's what she told me."

"You must have misunderstood."

"If you think so call her up." I dare him coolly.

"Okay. Fine. I will." He hesitantly removes his cell phone from his pocket. "What's her number?"

"You tell me. I'm sure you know all her numbers by memory."

"I can't believe you Leah, what kind of man do you take me for? You think I would risk what we have by sleeping with your best friend?"

"Save the act and dial her up."

"I will. I just need her number."

Tired of the games, I snatch the phone from his hand, navigate through his recent calls and find her name. "Here you go Robert, you called her twenty minutes ago at work." He opens his mouth to explain "Save it. Just call her...And put her on speaker."

She picks up on the second ring. "Hey Boo Bear, how did it go with Leah? Is she still moving?" Kari's words spill out before Robert can stop her.

"Kari, stop your shit." He barks at her. "You know I'm over by Leah's. She's saying that you told her we are having some type of affair."

"What?" Kari tries to sound shocked but fails. She's losing her touch. "When was this? I never told her that." I roll my eyes at Robert. "Is Leah there? Let me talk to her."

"I'm right here Kari. What is it that you want to talk to me about?" I ask dryly.

"When did I tell you I was messing around with your man? You complain about him so much, why in the world would I want him? And he's not even my type."

"Really?"

"Yes really," she tells me, pissing me off.

They think I'm an idiot. They want to play - ok, let's play.

"Robert are you sleeping with Kari?"

"Hell no!"

"Ok. Well, I need to hear you tell Kari how you feel about me, our future together, and how badly you want me."

"What?"

"You heard me. Tell her all the things you tell me. All of it."

"Uhm...well..."

"Don't be shy Boo Bear she'd love to hear how much you love her best friend. Wouldn't you sis?"

Slowly Robert begins to talk about how much he loves me and I'm the only woman he has ever loved and ever will love. The only woman he'd ever marry or want to carry his baby...

"Whatever. I give up. Do what you want Leah. I have my baby to worry about." She abruptly hangs up.

My anger turns to guilt. Kari didn't deserve that. I owed her better. He owed her better, she's caring his child.

"Robert you have stooped to a new low. You're going to have her lie for you. What did you threaten not to go to the ultrasound with her if she didn't go along with this? And how could you say those things to her while she's pregnant with your child?"

"Enough is enough Leah." Angrily he pops up out of the chair. "If you want to leave me fine, leave me. Admit you never loved me, but don't dare stand there and accuse me of impregnating your best friend." He's so convincing I'm beginning to doubt myself. Maybe he isn't sleeping with Kari. Maybe it's all in my head. I watched the Maury Povish talk show once - Kari loves that show - a guest brought her mate to take a lie detector test because she was certain he was cheating on her. She was convinced of it. I completely believed her, until the lie detector proved that he wasn't. It was all in her head. Maybe, I'm that crazy woman from The Maury Show and it's all in my head.

"Baby," Robert says tenderly, taking me away from my thoughts of the crazy talk show guest. The hurt embodied in his tone made me feel like scum. "How can you think I would ever do anything to betray your trust? Don't you know how much I love you?" He walks over to me and begins to caress my arms, he pulls me to him and my body tenses.

"Stop pushing me away," he whispers in between kissing my neck. Feeling weak, I give in and kiss him back. I want so badly to believe him and go back to the way things were. It's safer.

He's my safety net. He always has been. I'm scared. I don't know what the future holds, and I don't want to start over at twenty-eight. I don't want to be alone. Who says that I'll find someone better than Robert? He's successful, a future senator, attractive, and let's not forget completely straight - a rare quality for men today. I know what to expect from him and he knows what to expect from me. I'm no great catch. I'm pretty screwed up in the head. Most men pass on damaged goods. Robert's unfaithful and a manipulative liar but I already know that. What horrible characteristics will the next guy bring, if there is a next guy?

"I love you," he begins to unbutton my shirt. "Let me make love to you." He urges with his typical impatience, always forceful and insistent when it comes to sex. I can't stand that about him.

"I've already made plans," I say stepping away from him.

"You can change them," he persists. Turning my back to him, I take my lukewarm fish dinner out of the microwave.

"I've already given up my apartment."

"You can move in with me."

"No," I tell him firmly. "I'm leaving for PA on Friday. My mind is made up." I walk him towards the door. "I'm tired. You should go."

"What if we get engaged?"

Surprised at what my ears told me they heard, I turn around. He looks more shocked than I am.

"Was that your poor attempt at a proposal?"

"Would it make you stay?"

"Do you have a ring?" I ask, but I already know the answer.

"No, but I could get one."

"Good-bye Robert. Enjoy the rest of your life." I hold the door open, pushing him to exit my apartment.

"At least let me help you move. You can't relocate to another state by yourself. You need help."

The offer sounds so good. I need someone to hold my hand. I desperately need the emotional support. I can't do this alone.

"No." I force myself to say.

"Just as a friend."

"I said no Robert," I tell him with shaky finality in my voice.

"But I've already taken a week off from work."

I can't help but weaken. "Just as friends?"

"Yeah. After five years we can at least stay friends. I think we owe each other that don't you?"

"Yeah, I think so too."

"Night. See you on Friday."

"Robert," I call out as he walks out the door.

"Yeah," he turns around.

"Thanks."

"You don't have to thank me. I love you Leah. I'll always be there when you need me. You know that."

Closing the door I know that's at least partially true. Is there enough truth in it for me to go back to him? No. I can't continue to live a lie. I'll lose my mind. But I do think there's enough truth in it for us to remain friends. For the past five years we've been more friends than lovers anyway.

I don't know how I would have managed if Robert hadn't been here with me this past week. He has been such a great help. I would have fallen apart without him. He helped with the movers and with putting the beds and everything else up. We test drove my new BMW. Of course he doesn't feel it's as good as his Jaguar. We drove around the neighborhood and Philadelphia. Robert likes the area but he prefers New York.

Kari hasn't called. Carol told me that she thinks Kari is upset with me for leaving her while she's pregnant. I doubt that. She's upset with me for taking Robert away from her. Too bad, she'll have to deal with it the same way I did for five freaking years.

I still haven't gotten a job offer from United Blue. Yesterday, I called the head hunter requesting that she get a yes or no from them. My nerves have been shaky all day waiting for that call, but I have a plan B. I have an interview on Monday for a temporary staff accountant position. It's paying only a fraction of what I was making, but beggars can't be choosers. My salary there would be able to cover my rent. That way my savings can last a little longer. "Good morning gorgeous," Robert says as he walks into my bedroom shirtless. I made him stay in the guess room this past week, and he has been a really good sport about it.

"Good morning yourself," I flash him a smile then go back to watching television. He lies down on his stomach next to me on the bed.

"What do you want to do today? It's my last day here." I take my eyes off the TV and turn to look at him; his welcoming brown eyes and generous smile. Like a brick over the head, it hits me that we are over - we're really over.

I'm terrified. It's all feeling real now with him lying next to me, as we decide what to do our last day together. We are really over. Five years of my life coming to an end. Now that it's ending, I'm not sure I want to give him up. This past week with him makes me remember why I stayed the five years. Looking at him now I see the man I met at Carol's party, and I'm reminded of how good it felt to have a man look at me the way he did then.

I act like it's all him but there were a lot of things that I pushed him to. Always rejecting him sexually and pushing him away, that can make any man cheat. How did I let this relationship fail? How did I mess this up?

"Since you can't decide how about I take you to breakfast." I pass my hands through his hair. "You are one handsome man Robert Cole." He smiles.

I give him a light kiss on the lips. He responds with a deep kiss filled with fervor. When I tense up he doesn't notice. Instead of slowing down he gets on top of me, spreading my legs open with his knees. I try to play along, pretend to like it, keep quite inside and think of a good place, but I can't. I don't want to be touched. Sometimes I can tolerate it but not now. I feel dominated. I feel filthy.

"I'm starving," I inform him once I get my lips free. He doesn't hear me or is pretending not to. Playfully I push at his shoulders. "What happened to breakfast mister? I'm starving."

He finally rolls off me irritated. Pretending not to notice I quickly head for the bathroom.

After breakfast we went shopping at Center City Philadelphia. Actually, I shopped while Robert walked along side of me texting the whole time. We are just reaching back now at two. The head hunter had called while I was at the mall but I didn't pick up. While Robert is lying down in the guestroom, I close my bedroom door and call her back.

"Hello, can you transfer me to Denise Kalzowitz please?" By the time Denise gets on the phone my heart is pounding a hundred miles a minute against my chest.

"Good afternoon Leah, how have you been?" She is stalling, that can't be a good sign.

Losing my patience, I cut to the chase. "Have you heard from United Blue?"

"Yes...Unfortunately they've decided to pass."
CHAPTER EIGHT

They what?

I must have heard her wrong.

"Excuse me?"

"Peter thought you were great but he decided to go a different direction. I'm sorry. If something else comes up I'll be sure to let you know."

Even as I hang up the phone I still don't believe I heard her correctly. Peter offered me the job. He introduced me to Jacob's secretary as the new controller. What could have gone wrong?

After twenty minutes of crying and giving myself the finger in the mirror, my shock subsides. Fear is now setting in. Taking the bottle of Ativan from the medicine cabinet, I pop it open, and take two to calm my nerves.

Oh Jesus, help me. What have I done?

Am I really going to have to take that temporary position? Will I ever find a job as a manager again? I'm even a bigger loser than I already was. Not only am I man less but I'm also jobless. I walk over to the bed, collapse across it, and pass out.

A consistent knocking wakes me up. Rolling to my side I glance at the clock, it's seven o'clock.

"What?" I call out.

"I cooked. Come eat," Robert says from behind the door.

Getting up to brush my teeth, I yell out, "I'm coming."

I pop another two Atavans and notice that my hands are shaking.

Robert calls for me to come eat again. He's getting restless, probably hungry. I ignore my nerves and head for the kitchen. As my bedroom door opens I notice that all of the lights are off. In the kitchen Robert has a candle light dinner waiting. I'm now very suspicious.

"What's all this?"

He pulls out a chair for me, "Just sit."

"Wow, chicken marsala, my favorite. When did you buy it?"

"I went to the market, while you were sleeping."

"Oh." I take a bite. "It tastes wonderful."

After a few moments of eating in silence Robert asks me, "Do you remember when we first met?"

"Yeah, I remember." I'm quickly finding the topic irksome but I know my sour disposition is not all due to him. The rejection from United Blue is still stabbing at my ego. I feel like a woman who expected a call after a one night stand - easy and foolish. When he never calls she takes a chance, puts herself out there, and calls him. Then...Bam! Come to find out the deceiver is married with a hundred kids.

"I asked you out and you rejected me. Even then you were rejecting me," Robert says pitifully, bringing my attention back to our conversation. "I did not reject you. I was studying for my CPA and couldn't afford distractions. It's not like I discouraged you. Three months later, the day after taking my last exam, you called me seven o'clock in the morning insisting that I have breakfast with you."

"I'm persistent. That's a quality you love about me." I want to tell him, I wish I was the only woman he went after with such persistence, but I hold my tongue. "For those three months I couldn't stop thinking about you. It took a lot of begging to get your number out of Carol."

"Mental note, shoot Carol." I'm only partially joking.

"I'm not that bad."

"You're also not that good or faithful or honest...Should I go on?"

"You're not painting an honest picture of me. I've treated you very well. You had a four month probation period before sex. I waited. I was a perfect gentleman."

"I should have known then you were too good to be true."

Ignoring my statement, he continues with the mind fucking. "Leah I've done everything but kill to be with you. I'm not about to let you go now. Not without a fight."

"I don't think you have a choice Robert, just like I didn't have a choice."

"What choice didn't you have?"

"You sleep with my best friend. You guys didn't give me a choice. It was happening. I had to deal with it. It's your turn to deal with it. You see how that works?"

"Lee-"

"No. Do not Lee me," I begin to raise my voice. "Speaking of how patiently you waited those four months, could it have been because you were already getting the ride of your life with Kari? While I worked late you get to screw my best friend behind my back, in the apartment that I shared with her. Do you know how many nights I came home from work and smelled you on her?"

I get up, wipe the tears from my eyes and switch all the lights on. "Screw you Robert! You piece of shit! You've been mind fucking me for five miserable years. No more. No fucking more."

"Lee baby calm down-"

"Don't you dare try to calm me down like I'm crazy, and don't you dare deny it. The looks you two gave each other, do you think I never noticed? Every time we are at Carols or at a party you disappear and where do I find you? With Kari." I begin to pace around the kitchen. "You think I didn't know? No. You knew I knew. You just didn't give a damn. Everybody knew. I was a joke. But you didn't care because you're a greedy bastard. You wanted to have your cake and eat it too - the hell with the calories."

"Calories? What? Leah -"

"I'm done. We are completely over. You wanted Kari so bad, now you can have her - or not. I don't care. I'm exiting this love triangle. I'm done. Done!" My hands are shaking like a leaf in the wind, and I can't stop the tears from pouring out of me. All the hurt and pain, it's like I'm feeling it for the first time all at once.

"Leah," he says calmly as if he is talking to a child. "Stop this. I am not having some torrid affair with Kari. I would never hurt you like that. You know that." He walks over to me and holds me. My sobs get harder. I feel weak, small, and so powerless.

"Sweetheart, you're shaking. Calm down. You're just nervous about making such a big move. Do you need to take a pill?" Unable to talk I shake my head no. I feel like I'm fifteen and helpless again. He begins to caress me. "Lee, baby, I love you. Take these horrible thoughts out of your head. You're imaging things." He takes my emotional state as an opening to manipulate me into sex, kissing me while his hands make their way under my shirt.

"Stop. Please stop. I don't want to, don't pressure me."

He tilts my chin up to make me look at him. "Lee, sweetheart, it's just me and you here, no one else. Don't think of anything else except for me and you."

My anger flares. "Don't talk to me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like I'm some victim, like I'm a mental case. I know it's you here Robert and I don't want you to freaking touch me." He backs away. I see his hurt, and I think it's real - good. It's about time someone else feels some pain.

"That's right I don't want you to touch me. As a matter of fact I can't stand even the thought of your hands on me. You don't love me. I'm not even sure if you like me."

"Then why am I here?"

"I don't know, maybe I'm so damn easy to control you just can't give it up. You like the power. But Kari's not that easy, is she?" I laugh. "She played you for the fool you are. Moron. She has you trapped. I bet you didn't even see it coming. You never had to worry about that with me because the thought of having part of you growing inside me makes me sick to my stomach. You're a heartless man Robert Cole. You don't know how to love. After you leave tomorrow stay the hell away from me, erase me from your memory."

"I didn't know you felt that way?" He's definitely hurt, his eyes are glossy.

I stand my ground. "Now you do."

"I almost wish I was screwing Kari, at least then I would have warranted such abuse. All I've done is love you Leah, unconditionally. Don't worry I'll figure out how to stop. I'll leave you alone if that's what you want. Goodnight." He walks off to the guest room.

Guilt overtakes me. I took out my frustration on him. He didn't deserve that. I wish I can take it all back. I want to go apologize but instead I walk to my bedroom and close the door. After popping another pill, I go to bed.

Maybe when I wake up tomorrow, I'll realize this was just a horrible nightmare. Or better yet, maybe I won't wake up.

It's been two weeks since Robert left, and I haven't heard a word from him. He is probably trying to make me feel guilty for the things that I told him the night before he left. As for Kari she hasn't been returning my calls either. I guess she's mad. I don't really care.

These past two weeks I haven't done much. Haven't really been out, except for Tuesday when I did that interview for the temporary staff accountant position. They called me yesterday to tell me I got the job. I'm starting on Monday - unlucky me. I'll be working under a twenty-four year old that has a fraction of my experience and education.

Today I was planning on going to Center City to look around. Maybe stake out the United Blue building and run over that bastard Jacob Boyd with my BMW as he crosses the street. Instead, this morning I woke up depressed thinking about my new loser job and lost my appetite for murder. Jerry Springer is on the television, they just came back from commercial. Stephanie, a young woman in her early twenties is there to tell Keshia, her best friend since childhood, that she slept with her boyfriend Kevin.

"It was in the heat of the moment Jerry. It just happened once," Stephanie, the backstabbing slut, tells the host Jerry Springer.

After Jerry's introduction, Keshia, the clueless victim comes out. Of course she doesn't take the news well, but the girl is strong. She doesn't break down crying, she immediately begins to beat the daylights out of Stephanie.

"Beat her down!" I scream at the television. "I had to deal with that crap for five years. She's not a friend. Beat her like an enemy. Show no mercy." Security breaks them up and now it's time for the boyfriend to come out.

"Baby, it was just that one time. It meant nothing to me. I was thinking of you the whole time." Kevin's frankness hurts Stephanie's feelings so she attacks the guy.

"Did you think he loved you? You dumb slut." I shout at the TV. Kevin ignores Stephanie's weak punches and focus on telling Keshia more lies in hopes she's dumb enough to forgive him.

"It'll never happen again," Kevin pleads.

Slap.

"That's right, hit him again. He deserves it," I yell at the television while slapping my knee with each word.

The phone rings, but I ignore it. Whoever it is, I don't want to talk to them, I rather watch people debase themselves on TV. It makes me feel much better about my disastrous life.

"Good morning Leah this is Denise Kalzowitz from Finance Professionals." At the sound of her voice I mute the TV and pick up. Maybe she has another job that she wants to submit my resume for.

"Hi Denise."

"Hi Leah, I'm glad I got you. I have great news." The excitement in her voice amps up my mood.

"What's the news?" I ask, almost cheerfully.

"United Blue called me this morning. They want you on board."

"Excuse me?" I know I heard her wrong.

"They want you on board. When should I tell them you can start?"

"Start?" I sneaker, the nerve of these people, "Please tell them I'm no longer interested in the position."

"You've found a job?" Denise sounds confused. "I didn't know you were working with another agency."

"I'm not," I lie. "I found this job on my own."

"Have you started yet?"

"No."

"United Blue might be able to match whatever they are paying. Would you like me to ask?"

"No. I'm not interested. I'm in the middle of something. I have to go."

After hanging up with her, I don't give the conversation a second thought. Taking the television off of mute I see that Jerry Springer has moved to another segment. This woman, I didn't catch her name, just found out that her husband has been cheating on her with a stripper. She's crying and asking him why.

"Why do you think dummy? Because you're so damn weak, he knows you'll put up with it." I scold my married counterpart on the other end of the television screen. The stripper comes out and instead of the wife beating up the stripper the stripper is beating the crap out of the wife.

Where is the justice in this life?

Unable to watch the slaughter, I turn the channel. Scanning channels I stop on a movie channel. There's a movie on about a married woman having an affair. About time we women start doing it to them. See how they like it.

Something's vibrating on my bed. I lift up my sheets and see that it's my cell phone.

"Hi Carol," I say after muting the TV.

Wasting no time she immediately begins to complain, "Why haven't you been returning my calls?"

"I've been working twelve hours a day trying to catch up and understand the insurance industry? It's extremely complex. I haven't gotten a chance to socialize."

"I'll accept that excuse this time. How do you like it?"

"I love it. It's just so...Awesome. Great. Fantastic."

"Any good looking guys?"

"I haven't been looking."

"You need to start. How about PA, do you like it?"

"Love it. I'm actually having lunch at Love Park as we speak."

"Aren't you cold?"

"That's how much I love it. The cold doesn't even bother me."

"Have you heard from Kari?"

"No. I've called but she hasn't returned my calls."

"Same here. The child is M.I.A."

"She'll show up." My home phone begins to ring. I see an unfamiliar number on the caller id.

"What's that ringing?"

"Someone next to me...their phone...Carol I'll call you later, I have to prepare for a meeting."

"I thought you were at lunch." Damn. Why can't I ever get my lies straight? "I'm eating and working. I barely have any free time."

"Alright, you better call me back."

"Ok." Hanging up with her I answer my home phone.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this Leah Lovemann?"

"Yes." Recognizing the voice, I smile.

"I hear you've turned me down."

"Who is it that I'm speaking to?" My tone remains formal.

"Peter Boyd."

"I'm sorry the name isn't ringing a bell, Peter Boyd from where?"

He chuckles. "I'm the CFO from United Blue. I interviewed you for a management position a few weeks ago."

"Oh...That's right. I completely forgot. I've been getting so many job offers it's hard to keep track. How can I help you Mr. Boyd?"

"You can come and work for me."

"No thank you. I'm going to have to pass."

"May I ask why?"

"I'm no longer in the market. Out of curiosity, what happened? Didn't you decide to go with someone else?"

"No. It was nothing like that."

"What was it?" I ask in a flat tone.

He pauses for a moment then cautiously continues. "Jacob Boyd, our CEO, he was there briefly during the interview. Do you remember him?"

"No, I can't say that I do. What about him?"

"He wasn't sure if you were the right person for the position. He felt you were over qualified, but now he wants you on board."

"He was right. I am over qualified for the position. I had only done the interview as a practice. I'm sorry you wasted your time calling me. I wish you luck with whoever you decide to go with."

"What can I do to make you accept my offer?"

"Good-bye Mr. Boyd." I slam the phone down and return to my TV.

That prick Jacob Boyd, how dare him change his mind about me and have Peter call me up like this? Like some old fling wanting to start thing's up again, asking for another shot at breaking my heart. That's not going to happen.
CHAPTER NINE

Despite my initial refusal of the job offer, Peter's calls and emails persisted. I started the temporary position and quit on the second week. I went to lunch and never returned. I was pretty much showing my boss how to do her job. Yet, she wanted me to apologize for being five minutes late from lunch, when I went to lunch ten minutes late because I had to explain the format of a balance sheet to her, and why expense accounts are not included on there. I just couldn't take it anymore; it was either I quit or strangle her. Prison terrifies me, so I quit.

After allowing Peter to court me for a full month I finally accepted the position at United Blue. The end of this week will mark my second month at United Blue. We call it UB for short. Compared to my previous employer the corporate culture here at United Blue is very informal. You would not expect that of a multi-billion dollar corporation. The atmosphere is laid back and social. It feels like I've been here for several years instead of just a couple of months. I feel completely at ease. The only difficulty I'm having is learning the insurance industry. They have so many regulations it's making my head spin.

"Where do you want to go for lunch?" Erica, Peter's admin, asks after she darts her head into my office.

"Doesn't matter," I tell her.

"Wanna go downstairs?"

"Sure." After getting my responses she leaves as quickly as she popped in.

Thirty minutes later Linda, Janet, Erica, and I are sitting in the restaurant downstairs eating by the window.

"He never wants to go see my kids with me. It's like he wants me to choose," Janet says of her boyfriend of two years.

"You have to put your foot down," says Linda, who always seems to give someone her two cents, even when they insist that she keeps the change. Both Linda and Janet are corporate regional controllers like me. Linda is a green-eyed, pint sized, dark haired workaholic in her mid-thirties. Married with no kids, she knows everything about everyone at UB. This is why, although she's sometimes extremely annoying, everyone is her friend - or at least pretends to be.

Bored with the conversation I look at Erica, her mind is somewhere else. Following her blue eyes, I discover what has peeked her interest, a blonde guy at a table in the middle of the restaurant. Erica is either twenty-eight or thirty-one. She's given me two different ages. Whichever age she is, I've been told she parties like she's in her early twenties. "Your kids have to come before a boyfriend," Linda persists with her unwanted advice to Janet.

Erica is now licking her lips at the blonde guy. My mind wonders outside. Up the block to the corner of Sixteenth and Market, I can see Ashley strutting on the concrete sidewalk with her two inch heels, her long platinum blonde hair bouncing with every step.

Every man's head turns and some women's as well, memorized as they watch her switch her twenty-four year old hips in a form fitting black dress like a model on the catwalk. All her attention is on the man walking besides her - her boss, the obnoxious Jacob Boyd. His hands are in his pockets, his stride causal and poised. Every few steps she looks up at him, smiling adoringly. Her affections go unnoticed, he never looks at her.

I think it's safe to assume that they are returning from a romantic lunch together. I have one word to describe their behavior - unprofessional. He could at least be discrete about having an affair with his secretary. There is something about secretaries and bosses that always result in affairs. My father had a five year affair with his whore before permanently deserting me and my mom. Several times before he tried to leave, but my mother begged him not to. Then one day, the inevitable happened - he left.

Robert also had a brief affair with his secretary who looked a lot like Ashley. Her name was Janice. It was not completely his fault. Our relationship had already begun to molder. I understood his temptation. She was always there happy and willing, while I continued to push him away. Both of us were working so many hours and there was all that other stuff - me being a nut and all. Our relationship had no chance of surviving.

After a few months Janice got greedy and wanted him to herself. She called to inform me of their unwavering love for one another, hoping the shock would cause me to leave him. When she saw that neither Robert nor I was going anywhere she decided to move on to another successful employer. Smart girl. It took me five years to make that move.

Jacob and Ashley get closer. I can see his face clearly, and his unsmiling eyes. Before I'm able to redirect my gaze he catches it. Unsure of what to do, I flash him a clumsy smile. He looks away without acknowledging me.

Jerk!

I wait for our eyes to meet again and cut my eyes at him.

He scowls at me. Intimidated, I look away.

That man has some kind of grudge against me. Since I've started at United Blue Jacob has been nothing but boorish. Although I've been brown nosing in excess he still has not warmed up to me. When I pass him in the hallway or the downstairs lobby, I politely say hello. He snubs me every time. I don't know what else to do. I realize that he has hated me from day one.

Lately for the past week or so, I've been ignoring him. I don't acknowledge him at all when we see each other in passing. Nor do I make any more attempts at conversation.

Whenever we are in a room together he stares at me as if I have three heads, just like he did that day I interviewed. He does it intentionally, to make me feel uncomfortable. He also over loads me with work by putting other controllers' responsibilities on me, and giving me special nonsense projects that keep me in the office until ten o'clock at night sometimes. Peter always apologizes for him but I am getting fed up. I'm sick of it.

"What a lovely couple," my voice filled with sarcasm. Realizing how my comment may come across I quickly try to cover myself but, "I love her dress," is the best I could do.

"Who?" Erica asks as all three women simultaneously look out the window just in time to watch Jacob and Ashley walk pass. "Oh please, she wishes."

"He's out of her league," Janet comments. "She is so not his type."

"Come on. Are you guys blind? They are always having lunch together. They don't even try to hide it," I point out.

"My cubicle is next to hers. She practically begs him," Erica interjects.

"If anything was going on between them the gossip would be all over the company," Janet states. "And Ashley would be the one spreading it," Erica adds.

"What do you think Linda?" If anyone knows it would be her.

"She doesn't seem like his type of woman but you never know."

"I can't stand her," Erica informs us.

"Why? She's actually really nice," Linda interjects.

"She's the type of woman that you need to keep your man from. And I hate the way she throws herself at him."

Linda frowns. "I don't see what women see in him."

"Are you blind? The man is gorgeous and not to mention rich. What woman wouldn't want him?" Erica asks.

"He's a heartless bastard. I thought Thomas was an underhanded CEO but Jacob takes the cake. He has no limits. I hope -"

"Who's Thomas?" I inquire.

"Thomas was the previous CEO." Erica interjects.

"His mentor. Jacob stole the position from him while he was battling cancer." Linda educates me with bitterness echoing in her tone. Linda is usually neutral and too self-righteous to display anger but she seems to hate Jacob.

"Thomas was a sexist prick. I can't tell you how many times that wrinkled up man made a pass at me. Before you start shedding tears for him remember you would still be an accountant if he was still CEO, Linda."

"That has nothing to do with Jacob and everything to do with Peter and David."

David is Peter's brother. He is the head of UB's pharmaceutical subsidiary, Blue Pharma. That building is located on Thirtieth Street. I have never meet David Boyd, but Linda talks about him constantly.

"They're the ones that make the decisions and clean up Jacob's mess. Jacob does absolutely nothing but get the company in lawsuits and..." With a bite of her tongue she locks away the flood of words. Her usual unbreakable composure returns. "Let's change the topic. What do you guys have planned for the weekend?"

"A lot of nothing," Erica says. "Are you coming to the happy hour on Friday Leah?"

"No, I don't drink."

"So start. Come. It'll be fun," Erica adds.

"Maybe."

I have no intention of getting drunk if front of coworkers. The first and last time I got drunk was my freshman year at Yale. I was drinking this sweet drink. Don't remember the name, but I couldn't taste the alcohol. Without realizing it I was drunk. After my sixth drink I became embarrassingly sick. Carol made several trips to the bathroom with me. By the end of the night both of us smelled of vomit.

In the middle of the night, at my dorm room, I was awakened from my drunken slumber by an urgent need to pee. After several painful minutes of rushing in the dark and walking into walls I finally got my pants unbuttoned. While searching for the light switch I realized I was in the closet and not the bathroom. It was too late - I never made it to the bathroom that night. Once I finished wetting my pants like a three year old I passed out on my bed. After lunch I head to my office to prepare for the controllers' monthly close meeting. The last two months it was canceled so this is my first one. I'm nervous. I'm not sure what to expect or what questions I'll be asked, if any. With butterflies fluttering in my stomach I head to the meeting. Walking down the long hallway to conference room C, the commercial carpet muffles the sound of my heels. Observing the pictures of old powerful men, board members and founders, lined up on the pale gray wall, I don't bother to take note of their names.

Amazed, I stop at the picture of a woman. She can't be older than thirty-five. How does such a young woman become a board member in a multi-billion dollar company? Many answers come to mind, all of them involve her on her back or possibly on her knees. At the bottom of her picture I find her name, Laura Dunn. I know that name Dunn. Where have I seen it before? Instinctively I look at the picture before hers and there is Joseph Dunn, a wrinkled frail looking man. I guess it was her last name that got her on the board, and I had already written the woman off as a whore - shame on me.

Analyzing her picture, the half smirk on her thin lips conveys her confidence, her sharp blue eyes mirror's her determination - I wouldn't want to cross her. I continue on down the hall. More pictures of old powerful men. I reached the last picture and stop again. That bastard is on the board of directors? How did he pull that off? He can't be more than a few years older than me. Who is he related to?

There looking over the picture of Jacob Boyd, his tense face, serious brown eyes, dark tanned complexion, and of course that very unprofessional goatee. I can't help but find him attractive. There is a magnetic force within me that draws me to men in positions of power. It's really my downfall, because most of them are complete self-centered swine who feels it's there right to treat people as they wish. I had spent the past five years with someone like that. I have more than enough experience to know I don't want to do it again. This time around I'm looking for a common guy.

Pulling myself away from the picture of Jacob, I see conference room C at the end of the hallway on the left. After taking a deep breath I walk in. It's empty. I check my watch. I'm fifteen minutes early. I take a seat on one of the black leather chairs towards the back of the room. There is a smart board at the front of the room. Peter will probably be in the middle, sitting in the back might make me appear indifferent. Quickly I change my mind and sit in the middle, next to the window.

The meeting should start in ten minutes yet no one else is here. Did I get the room wrong? I look through my phone for the referencing email.

Someone walks in.

Relieved, I look up. Instantly, my relief turns to unease - it's Jacob.

CHAPTER TEN

"Good afternoon," I tell him. He glances in my direction, barely acknowledging me before taking a seat at the back of the room. Why didn't he sit in the middle? I'm beginning to questioning my seating choice.

"Does it matter where I sit?"

He looks at me as if irritated by my question, "Do you see any name tags on the chairs?" I hear the unspoken "moron" at end of his question.

"No," I respond, regretting I asked such a stupid question.

"Then there's your answer. You figured that out all by yourself."

What a miserable man. Deciding to make no further attempts at conversing with such a brute, I occupy myself with my phone. Moments later, I feel him staring at me. When I look up at him, he's leaning back casually, his chair angled to face me.

Maybe I should make conversation. "How are these meetings like?"

He looks at his watch, then at me. "In seven more minutes, you'll see," he tells me dismissively. My mouth opens in amazement.

"How are you doing Lovemann?" Peter walks in filling the room with positive energy.

"Good. How are you Peter? Where have you been hiding?"

"I've been -" He notices Jacob. "What's up Jay?"

"Nothing bro, what's up with you?"

"Laura has been trying to get in contact with you," Peter informs him as he takes the seat next to me. "Did you get her messages?"

"I got them."

"Since when did you start attending these meetings?"

"My schedule opened up."

"I see." The two men exchange looks that I can't decipher.

Peter turns his attention back to me, "How has your day been so far Leah."

"Good."

Peter and I converse casually about the up-coming monthly close until UB corporate controllers begin to fill the room. Once everyone arrives Peter begins. Throughout the meeting Linda never stops talking, every two minutes interjecting her comments and ideas. I say very little, trying my best not to publicize how little I still know.

Jacob needs to stop staring at me so openly. His gaze is unrepentant. This is not normal or sane. If he continues with such brazen behavior people will begin to notice, rumors will start about me getting my position on my back. I smile at the thought; me and Jacob Boyd, the subject of hot and sensual office gossip. How does one strategically start office gossip about one's self?... Just a thought.

It's already thirty to five when I return to my office. I plan to run out of here in a half hour. I'm too tired to work late tonight, I'll work late tomorrow. I didn't get much sleep last night. A horrible nightmare woke me up at three in the morning. It was about Robert and Kari.

In the dream, years had pasted and they were happily married with two kids, a boy and a girl. Robert was a senator and Kari was the perfect senator's wife. All of New York adored her. She didn't even age. I was - this is where the scary part comes in - their maid.

I wasn't even good at it. The responsibility of cleaning their mansion was overwhelming. They kept me in the basement. I couldn't come up when company was present. My clothes were worn out and I looked like I was a hundred years old. I had no children or friends just twenty abusive cats that couldn't stand me.

The cats were upset with me for giving them the wrong food. Somehow I spoke cat, and explained to them we ran out of that particular brand. They didn't want to hear it. A first cat attacks me, scratching and biting me, then a second, and a third. Pretty soon all of them jumped me. That's when I woke up terrified, unable to go back to sleep.

It's a quarter to. As I'm about to shut down my computer I notice an e-mail from Jacob. Afraid to open it, I brace myself with a deep breath before clicking on the email.

Jacob wants me to give him a forecast for my regions profits. But I did that two days ago, which is exactly what I respond.

Do it again, he writes back.

This is ridiculous. Looking out my door, I can see his office. I feel like walking over there and giving him a piece of my mind. Instead, I bring up my financials on the computer and begin to prepare the forecast.

Two hours into it I hear Ashley talking. Lifting my head, I see Jacob exiting his office on the other end of the floor. He and Ashley head for the elevators. Outraged, I get up from my desk and slam my door shut in protest. After pacing around the room for several minutes, I step outside my office. My eyes sweep the entire floor. I'm the only one here. I'm leaving. If he tells me anything tomorrow I'll tell him he can take this job and shove it.

After shutting down the computer I grab my coat and head for the elevators. "I'll show him," I say to myself, aggressively jabbing the down button for the elevator with my finger. "Lovemann!"

I jump.

From down the hallway, Jacob walks towards me. "Didn't I ask you to let me know when you were done? Can't you follow the simplest of directions?" His eyes are blood shoot red. There's something off about him. He appears inebriated. "Were you going to have me here waiting for you all night?"

"I thought you already left. I went by your office -"

"I was in my office," he snaps, cutting me off. "Are you done with the forecast?"

"No, I'm not." With one last step he closes the distance between us.

"Your deadline is tonight." His breath fans against my skin. It smells like Listerine.

"I received the request two hours ago."

"That's not my problem."

"I'll have it on your desk first thing tomorrow morning." There's no way I'm returning to my office.

Without saying a word he stands there. Slowly, his gaze sweeps over my face, questioning, suspicious.

I look away.

A loud cling announces the arrival of the elevator - finally.

When I step towards the elevator, he grabs hold of my arm. "Let go of me," I tell him calmly. Not willing to allow him to continue to intimidate me, I meet his gaze and keep it.

In his eyes I'm confronted with a glimpse of him - rage, fear, and hopelessness pierces through me. The intensity, the rawness of his suffering so closely mirrors my own, it shocks me. A sharp pain shoots straight through my heart. Rubbing my hand over my chest, I attempt to chase it away.

"Do you know me?" His voice cracks. "I mean from before."

"From before, when?" Without considering the backlash I cover his hand with mine. Not to remove it from my arm but to comfort him. Somehow, I want to lessen his misery.

His index finger caresses the side of mine from beneath.

"Are you alright?"

Abruptly, he steps away from me, breaking contact. "I'm fine. Forget it."

"I can stay and finish the forecast."

His back is already to me. "No. Go home."

Walking to the train station I can't stop thinking about Jacob. He has to be the most walled off person I've ever met. Yet, there is something about him that draws me to him.

Staring out the train window as I continue to ponder Jacob, I'm pulled away from my thoughts. This odd insipid looking guy vacates his seat to take the one next to me - on this empty train. I am so not in the mood. Avoiding all forms of physical contact I lean away from him. After a few minutes he asks, "Do you know what the last stop on the train is?"

Although, I get off at the last stop I tell him, "No idea". Not getting the hint, he introduces himself as Steve. I don't offer my name. Undiscouraged, he proceeds with a one-sided conversation. The more he talks, it becomes obvious that Steve has a creepy nervousness about him, making it painful to be in his company. If I had to guess, I would say that he hears several voices in his head.

"I work for the Philadelphia school district." He tells me as he continues with the torture.

"That's nice."

"But it's not like I need the money because I don't. I have a trust fund. My monthly allowance is fifteen thousand."

"Of course," I say looking at the fifteen dollar Timex on his wrist.

"But I only spend about seven thousand a month. I'm looking for a girlfriend to help me spend the rest..." He continues to go on and on about how wealthy he is and then he asks me out.

"I'm very flattered Stan, but I'm already in a relationship."

"Steve."

"Excuse me?"

"My name is Steve."

"I'm sorry. Mental error."

"No problem. We can go as friends. It's not like you're married."

"I'm sorry. I can't. My boyfriend is very jealous and dangerous. He actually just got released from prison."

"You're very beautiful. I know I had no chance but it was worth a try." After saying this he goes quiet. I feel like a snob. No wonder I'm alone. Here is a perfectly nice guy asking me out and I turn him down for no reason. I am single and lonely and work is the most interesting part of my social life. A date is exactly what I need. I need to be reminded that I am desirable and that not all men are like Robert. Not all men will sleep with your best friend for years, and get her pregnant.

"You're a very classy woman. Your boyfriend is one lucky man."

"Thank you." What a cool guy. Even though I just turned him down he is still being very positive and behaving nicely towards me.

"Did you see that new Nick Cage movie? It's awesome."

"No. I don't really like his work."

"Me neither," he tells me. "What do you like?"

"I prefer plays."

"Yeah, me too. I love plays. As a matter of fact, there's a really good play in that theater. Has your boyfriend taken you to see it yet?"

"No. Which theater?"

"I forget the name. I already have tickets, and this is the last week. I can take you."

"No thank you...guy." What was his name again? I think it's Sam but I'm not sure.

"Please."

"Sorry, I can't"

"Please. Please. Please." He is practically begging. This whole scene would be doing wonders for my ego if he - whatever his name is - wasn't so odd. Looking at him he's not hideous or anything - nerdy, not my type, but not hideous. His head is abnormally shaped but he is definitely not the ugliest guy I've ever seen.

"Please. Make my day."

Why the heck not? I open my mouth to say yes but the words won't come out. "I can't Scott."

"My name is Steve." His right eye begins to twitch a little. "Are you sure you don't want to go?"

"Pretty sure." A smile is frozen on my face. My discomfort is amplified as his twitch worsens. Now his right shoulder accompanies his eye with a sharp upward jerking.

He begins to stand. "The next stop is mine."

Thank goodness.

"Hopefully, I'll see you on the train tomorrow night." I hope not.

"Goodnight."

He walks towards the double doors then turns around. "Can I at least get your name?"

"Kari," I tell him as the train doors open.

Finally, the train reaches the last stop. Walking to my car I see that I've missed a call from Carol, so I call her back.

"Hey."

"What's new?"

"Nothing. Have you heard from Kari?"

"Yeah, she was by the house the other day. Have you heard from Robert?"

"No, not since he left PA. Besides he has no reason to contact me. He and Kari have a baby on the way? That's what he needs to think about." The bitter taste of betrayal fills my senses, it's strong but dissipating.

"Don't fake with me. I know you're hurt. He'll be sniffing back at your heels again like I dog searching for his scent...I wonder how Mr. X feels about Robert and Kari?"

"Carol you can stop the act now. I figured out Mr. X is Robert."

In a low sympathetic voice she asks, "How long did you know?"

"For most of the five years."

"Really? You should seriously consider going into acting. I thought you didn't have a clue. I know you liked the idea of being a senator's wife, therefore I can see why you put up with Robert's crap but why stay friends with Kari?"

"I owe her. We have been through too much together for anything to end our friendship...I did not stay with Robert because he may one day be a senator."

"Of course you did. There's nothing wrong with that if that's what you want sweetie."

She must have not heard me, let me repeat myself. "My feelings for Robert Cole had nothing to do with his prospects of a political career."

"Well did you love him?"

"Good night Carol."

"Alright I understand. Who wants to speak the truth when a lie makes you feel so much better?" She's starting to aggravate me.

"Why do I talk to you?"

"Because I tell you the truth and since Kari isn't talking to you. I'm your only friend."

"Good bye Carol," I hang up before she can respond.

Yes, I admit it. I stayed because Robert, being the son of a well-known New York senator will probably become a senator within the next decade. That was appealing to me, and it still is. But in the beginning it was more than that. I was looking for someone to love, protect me, and make me feel safe, someone that my heart could call home. For a short time he did make me feel safe, desired and special.

When I realized it was all a fruitless, impracticable lie, I couldn't let go. I couldn't face another failure, another rejection. So I settled - for a more practical lie - a happy senator's wife. The more I thought about it the more I fell in love with the idea. I saw all the endless possibilities that our future held. I would become a senator's wife, we would have the perfect kids, live in the perfect house, and every woman in New York City would wish they were me. My father would regret abandoning me and my mom. He would see that I was worth the effort and die with regret. All Robert needed was for me to prove to him how perfect I was for him, show him how great we would be together.

By the end of our first year too much had happened for us to ever be happy. The relationship was already damaged far beyond repair. It was more than Kari. It was me. I have too many issues. Our sex life ended as soon as it started. He became frustrated, I couldn't blame him. His resentment grew, increasing the space between us. The more I tried the more I realized that I couldn't be fixed. I felt defective. There is something permanently wrong with me.

A man's ego is linked to his penis and it takes both to connect him with a woman. It took some time for me to recognize who she was. When I finally accepted that she was not me the betrayal left my heart feeling mutilated. The pain cut deep to my core. Screw him, I thought. I put my focus on my career and was able to get a position at Deloitte one of the top three CPA firms. I worked over sixty hours a week, for two years, before I was a certified CPA. Shortly after that I was promoted to manager. Mentally I moved on from Robert but emotionally I couldn't let go. I couldn't handle the defeat. So I found myself competing with another woman - my best friend.

Towards the end of our second year together, Robert and I broke up for three miserable months. In that time I dated every loser in New York. They all lead me back to Robert. Compared to them he was a catch. I had given him two years of my life at that point. Why should I just give him to another woman? So I stuck it out. I told myself he was sowing his oats and one day he'd get sick of sleeping around. He didn't.

I should have left then but I was stupid, too terrified to be alone again. Fearing if I left him I would never find someone else. Two years turned into five and I have nothing but bitterness and regret to show for all that wasted time. I was supposed to be married with kids already. Instead I'm approaching thirty, and starting over from scratch. I'm in a new state, with a new job, no ring, no man, and no prospects except some guy on the train with an abnormal twitch that hears voices.

I don't even have my best friend anymore.

Is this all that life has in store for me? Where is my happily after? Where is my prince charming? Unable to answer those questions I pull onto the driveway and get inside. Too tired to eat, I get undressed and go straight to bed.

As I lay there with my eyes closed, my thoughts return to touching Jacob's hand by the elevator. Why am I thinking of that, of him? That man is so uncouth, but still I would be less than honest if I said that I wasn't attracted to him. There seems to be some kind of connection between the two of us. With the hopelessness and loneliness of life weighing down on me, I feel overwhelmed. I need an escape, a release. With my mind wondering what it would be like to have Jacob's hands on me, my hand slowly and tenderly slides down my body to the center of my pleasure, setting me free...

Book two of this intense series is available for FREE

 Read Intense Insane In Love (Part II) for FREE

 http://intenseinsaneinlov.wix.com/sd-becca#!iii-part-ii-free/co3c

 Intense Insane In Love (Part II)

 Read Intense Insane In Love (Part II) for FREE

 http://intenseinsaneinlov.wix.com/sd-becca#!iii-part-ii-free/co3c
