 
INTRODUCTION

This story is about a young woman, who craves for true love & romance. Although, this is only a small part of her life, it will invite you to question her actions and give you a sneak preview in to her hopes & dreams. It is based on true accounts, where names and dates have been changed, but for a short period, her life is exposed. Will she eventually arrive at a place in her life, where she has peace & genuine love, is the future set in stone, or is this yet another failed relationship, destined to collapse. The story will take you through her journey from one place to another, telling you on route situations, until the arrival of her new life far away from home. Is this relationship going to be the right one, surely this time, her faith in another, will be rewarded.

Shattered Faith

Kim Clarke

Copyright 2014 Kim Clarke

Smashwords Edition

CHAPTER 1

I would like to share a small part of my life, which began in July 92, where I experienced a significant turn of events, that brought me, joy and happiness but also, lies, deceit and encounters beyond my wildest dreams.

It took me to people and places I had never believed possible and I felt a sense of enclosure, locked in a world of unopened doors, hidden nooks, luring corridors unable to ignore the liberating call of a new destiny.

Come with me and feel all I felt, share what I shared and experience a small part of my life which changed my vision, my hopes and my fears.

My relationship of 3 years was a deep and addictive love, which was empowering yet volatile. I believe we were two people so different, yet shared a love and common ground neither of us, could ever sever. We loved so deeply and realised the importance of a faithful bond and true commitment to each other.

We both believed there would never be another in our lives whilst together, we vowed to be as one and work hard to keep the relationship alive. Becky was a kind, generous, loving and an attractive woman, who took my breathe away, a person whom I wanted to share my life with, she had her faults like any of us do including me, but I loved and adored her so much.

There were so many factors hitting our lives, which began to break down, even the fundamental part of our structure as partners. We had a son whom at that time was adapting to me as a new parent from a prior relationship with a different partner, he was beginning a stage in his life where the demands of attention and puberty were running parallel and our focus became him as it would in any family unit. He knew as a child like most young people do, the pull and strain it was putting on us both, we tried actively to cover our emotions and fight to keep our relationship together. Our energy was also on a business which we both owned and may I add, which we both were excellent together, but the added strain of the business and the trials and tribulations, were clearly showing, our time was pulled in other directions and not only with us. Our son was my partners priority even though I strived to get a balance of discipline and a form of structure, it was a no win situation and I was now fighting for the love I longed for, a glimpse of attentiveness I begged to have and no matter how I tried to compromise and reason, I felt alone.

Becky tried I know she did, but she could not get passed the priority of her son and in many ways I felt he was the excuse she hid behind.

After three and half years of inseparable love, intense feelings, volatile events and the deep love we had, I felt drawn towards another.

I didn't know where it was going and had no intention of looking beyond a platonic friendship.

Becky had insisted we got connected.. to the internet that is, she felt it would be good to surf the net, as she said it would add an interest for us both. I constantly said no, as I felt it was not the way to go, I felt it was another escape from us and would only create more problems.....oh boy was I right.

After weeks of debate and heated discussion, I gave in simply to save more unrest and animosity. We got the internet, reluctantly.

We got connected, shame it was not us, the internet was here loud and brash, coloured, flashing and costing more money, mmmm, that of course did not matter, shrewd as I am, it was more expense.

Becky was elated and I was sceptical, but hey, who am I to have an opinion, here we go.....

Well to my surprise, I was pretty impressed with what I could do and the more I surfed, the more I saw the potential of it's uses, in more ways than one.

Throughout the first week we surfed and surfed until the early hours of the morning, clicking here clicking there. Oh my, then the hour came where you have guessed it, the chat room, yes the chat room.

What were we doing, why, oh yes I remember, intrigue, fun, curiosity and an urge to take a peek into the inviting smut zone.

Our attentions were focused on the gay sites as we were after all, gay of course oh you didn't know ? of course you did....

We entered the chat room, actually it was many, until we found one we latched on to, yes latched being a true description and at the time, seemed comfortable with, yeah right, how comfortable are these rooms, we were about to find out. We logged on, registered, then up we pop as a chat room user, oh my life, there in front of us lesbians galore from all over the world. We had heard of the crackpots, the cyber addicts and the lonely ones but never the one's who do, will and did hit hard and draw you in. oh yes, it happened, we fell for it, big style.

A certain lady whom I couldn't possibly disclose her user name, could I, oh I surely would love to but will not, as I don't want the satisfaction to be, all hers and sensationalize her ego, oh go on then, no I can't, sorry.

The anger and deceit, I felt at this time has now passed, but still remains a part of my break up, a piece of my history, I choose to keep locked away in the box, never to be re-opened.

What box you may ask, well the box I am about to open with you. A can of worms which took our relationship from a lesbian chat room to the extremes of lies, deceit and a slow process of our break up.

The woman in question seemed a lovely lady, please don't believe that, for one minute, although my partner would disagree on my judgment. I was not an innocent bystander, I don't want to give that impression but oh my, we rocked.

On a regular basis my partner and I would talk to this woman, it became so regular and due to the time difference of America and the UK, we stupidly arranged times to accommodate our lifestyle and business, crazy so crazy but we did. Our conversations were so tame so interesting so nice. Until a few months passed and in that time we had exchanged letters, gifts and for crying out loud phone numbers. I was fine with this we all were, not a slight inclination of our relationships being any other, than good friends. We talked of visits to America to the UK and still a sense of pure and sincere friendship. How naive could I be.....

Becky became different towards this woman, it felt closer, attentive and somewhat childlike. A photo was mentioned which this woman wanted of us both as I thought. Don't be crazy was I that stupid to think she wanted little me also, well actually, yes, until it became apparent one night, whilst both of us were on the computer speaking with this woman we had commitments to our customers, so we decided to take it in turns to attend to them, leaving one of us alone. Now you see the plot thickening don't you, I am glad you do, as I honestly didn't. So I went to attend to our customers, my partner happily typing away chatting to our so called friend.

Once I had finished with our customers I went back to Becky but for some unknown reason she didn't here me return, as I reached the door of the office, my partner panicked and hit the delete button to her conversation with this woman, in a split second, I knew deep down for the very first time, I had witnessed a weakness in Becky, I felt a sudden sadness for a brief moment and I reacted in a way, that surprised myself.

I drained and so did Becky, I could see the panic in her face, a clear vision of guilt a rush of fear, I felt the anger building inside me, I grabbed her arm and shouted, "get off the computer", I wanted to rip the wires from the wall, instead I sat at the screen, Becky frantically shouting, "its nothing why are you acting this way its nothing, its nothing". I began to type but not as me, but as Becky, oh yes, this was my only shot at finding the truth, the words, the reason for her acting in this way.

I typed, "are you ok", her reply was, "yes are you", I replied, "yes fine". My anger was building, I had to compose myself and remember to type the same as my partner, to say the words she did, not disturbing the flow of my partners type. I typed, "tell me again what you said I need to take it all in", the woman relied, "I love you, I really love you". Oh god, oh my god I could see in front of me the words, the reply I knew I would see, I just knew it, oh god please say this is not true.

I replied still composing myself, "but you cant love me how can you", she replied, "I love you and want you", that was enough for me, I typed hard on the keyboard and replied, "this is me you bitch how could you, back off now"...

I pushed back on the chair I was sitting on I stood up, ripped the wires from the wall, snapped the modem from its connection, turned to Becky, fighting back the tears but the anger, simply got the better of me, I grabbed Becky, spun her around and pinned her to the wall, shouting, "why, why, no, please tell me its not true", I grabbed Becky, neither of us physically hitting out, we frantically grabbed on to each other, shaking the living daylights out of one another. Becky said, "please, I don't love her, I panicked when you came down, I don't love her she said it to me, I don't want her I don't".

I could see in her eyes, she was riddled with guilt, panic and despair, I felt sick, broken and angry, I realised this was it, I was losing her and I didn't know what to do but lash out at her.

We forgot for a few minutes, which seemed a life time, about our customers, we both went to attend to them, totally screening our pain for the sake of our business.

An hour passed, our customers left and we closed up. I was devastated, I couldn't begin to imagine, how we were to get through this. You may think that I over reacted or didn't give Becky the chance to explain but I knew Becky, her face told a story of guilt and panic, of being found out, a sense of ego boosting smugness, shielding the facade of dealing with my every move and word, my partner being the person she was, didn't know what to say or do, she just kept repeating "its not my fault, she said it to me".

We both began to cry, I then asked my partner, why did she say it, why would she say those words, what prompted her to say what she did, why, please tell me all the conversation, please.

As she began to try and tell me in her own way, the telephone rang, I answered it, oh god please tell me this is a dream, it was the woman who had just told my partner she loved her, she began to say, please don't hang up on me, its not what you think, its ok really, its ok, I shouted its ok, where are you coming from because right now you are not on my planet, don't ring here anymore you've done enough damage and I slammed the phone down. This woman had got it bad, to ring from America, knowing the pain it had caused, perhaps she didn't care as long as she got my love, my life.

My world was falling apart, Becky's face spoke oceans of panic, I cried uncontrollably, I couldn't fight the deep rooted anger and I so wished I could, at least I could try to gather up the last few hours of my life, to erase it, as though it had never happened.

We looked at each other, where I found the room became unknown, I felt as though I was experiencing an out of body experience a sense of wanting time to rewind, to take away the pain I felt, it was a pain I had never experienced before, betrayal, lies and deceit. I knew this would change everything, my trust was smashed, I love her more than life itself, I could see her face, her everything. the struggles of our life together and love we shared was ripping me apart, right now, I couldn't do anything, I felt weak, helpless and most of all a failure.

The telephone rang, it felt so distant, as my ears were ringing, my eyes coated with tears and my head was pulsating so fast, I had to compose myself, I lifted the receiver, struggling to fight back the emotion, it could be a business call, a family or friend chat, oh god no, please tell me its not her again, it was, her voice sent shock waves of anger all over again, she said, "please don't put the telephone down", I truly believed that her persistence was because of her love for Becky and total disregard for me and our relationship. I said, "please don't call here, I will change the telephone number if I have to", I knew I couldn't immediately do this, because of the business but I could and would block her number, if I had too, she replied, "just listen to me", would you believe it, I let her speak, perhaps it was my way of hope and clarification of the situation, not that it would make any difference. She said, "I want to be your friend both of you, I shouldn't have said what I did, I'm truly sorry". I replied "let it be please, don't call us, you have damaged our relationship cant you see that, are you that insensitive to see any different", she replied, "yes I'm sorry please forgive me". Becky was silent not one word came from her mouth, she seemed scared briefly and said nothing. At that moment I became so calm, I was listening, taking in the last few hours of unplugged drama. I replied to the woman, "please just let it be, please don't call us ever again". I hung up and turned to my Becky and said, "I want the computer disconnected today, I don't want any contact with her again, if we have any chance, please do this", she replied, "ok but what about the business", as calm as a cucumber I replied, "we are more important than the business".

A calm between us both was apparent and for the sake of our son, the business and us, we resumed a form of normality, what the hell was that now, I had lost all sense of a normal life and instead a creation of hidden agendas, deceit and lies, always at the back of my mind, what was really said, would I ever know. I suppose, I could have insisted on the detail of the conversation, well I did in many ways but it didn't seem to fill my appetite, would it be the truth, no it wouldn't, it would be words accommodating what I wanted to hear, not what really was said and also the trust I had in Becky, was broken in to fragments dispersed everywhere, but where they really should be.

The following day, I opened my eyes, for a few seconds, wondering whether it was a dream, was it ?, why would I believe that. It was somewhat calm and quiet on the western front, knowing this day was going to be the beginning of regaining our true status and a disconnection of a woman, who said just three words and blew our relationship apart and made a significant change in our future as partners, oh god help me.

I got out of bed slowly walked to the bathroom and looked in to mirror, I was looking tired and exhausted, I glanced again in to my eyes and I was so sad, a face which truly said it all, I shook my head in disbelief, I saw a woman who leaned heavy on the basin, moved her body closer to the mirror, hoping and praying that this was just a blip, a reality check, to embrace the bad times and find a solution to repair the breakage, a time to try, in any way possible to believe her partner again and regain the love and loyalty, I so desperately needed back. Inside, I gave myself reassurance by a half hearted smile and shrug of my shoulders. It was time to face the day, I needed to regain fragments of what was left to save, if anything at all.

As I reached the top the stairs, I knew I would see her face and I had no clue what I would see, expect or feel, I couldn't even think straight, although I vowed to try to stitch parts of us together, knowing the scars would always be there.

I opened the door and I walked slowly in to the lounge and there she was, curled up at one end of the sofa, her robe wrapped around her, no facial expression just looking straight at me, wide eyed. I just said, "good morning, how are you". What a stupid question to ask but she said, "I've felt better". I sat down on the chair opposite, not invading her space or mine. I wanted to hold her badly, I love her, I'm crazy about her, I just couldn't. she said, "please this can be all ok, it means nothing to me, nothing". I replied, "I cant believe anything right now, you must understand, you have to help me to believe, I'm hurting deeply, I want this to go away, I want us, just make me believe, please"......

I could see in her eyes guilt, yet the child within, she wanted to come to me and make me believe, I wanted her to, but just couldn't.

The silence was too much it became a build up of wanting, longing, needing, I couldn't stop myself bursting in to tears, she came to me slowly and took my hand, I held her hand, she began to sob, we looked at each other and embraced, we held on so tight, I wasn't letting her go nor was she. We sobbed uncontrollably, we couldn't breathe, we were gasping for breath through the tears, we weren't letting go for no one. I shouted, "please let this be untrue, please say this is over, tell me it won't happen again, tell me you love me not her, tell me it will be ok, tell me, please"......she held me tighter, I could feel myself falling, I was draining and couldn't think of anything but being in her arms. She held me, then tighter and it felt like she was saving me, she did care, she wanted me, she really was sorry, she loved me so deeply, I felt her. It seemed hours we held on, as I thought it was our last embrace, surely it wasn't, was it.......

We pulled away from each other and we looked in to each others eyes, I saw from Becky, remorse, sadness, exhaustion and the deep love she had for me.

We couldn't split, we wont. I said, "I love you so much, she wouldn't die for you like I would", she replied, "your right I wouldn't die for her but I would for you".

It was that moment we knew we had to fight harder, we couldn't live without each other, we knew we had to fight and work harder, to keep us together.

As of that day, we became so great together, she was so close to me, so attentive, I was reciprocating three fold, it couldn't be better. We agreed trust had to be paramount between us and we kept the internet, simply for the business, yeah right, what the freak was I doing, being so god dam trusting.........here we go again.

Two weeks past and all was well, the business was good, our son was being a teenager, oh joy, It was all normal again, as I thought.

Becky was on the internet, yes that screen which provides a license to be who you want at any given time. She was typing away, it was early evening and our business was closed, therefore, freeing up sometime for us, us what was us, you guessed it, the two of them yet again.....

Sure enough Becky was typing to the woman again, as if nothing had happened, as though everything was great now, no problems at all, all is well, I can speak to this woman again...hell no.

I went in to the office, I said who are you chatting to darling, she didn't have to tell me, I saw this time she didn't delete the screen she was so blatantly open to the fact it was her again.

I hit the delete button, the chat disappeared, once again, history came back to haunt me, I felt a surge of anger rise and pour towards Becky. She had done it again, Becky had totally disregarded the pain and turmoil we had gone through, she chose to ignore everything we had said and engage in chat with this woman all over again, why ?, oh God, why ?.

This time Becky went ape, she pinned me to the wall and said, "for f... sake its nothing I'm only chatting to her, I didn't delete the chat with her did I ?". She kept shouting, " for f... sake its nothing, I want to talk to her, its ok now". I shouted and pushed back, "you don't think anything is wrong, she was the one who tore us apart only two weeks ago, sharing her undying love for you, I cant believe this, please let her go". Becky's reply was, "she is only a friend, no I wont let her go, I've missed her".

I pushed Becky against the wall and held her tight so she couldn't move and looked straight in to her eyes, I said "its me or her, make your choice".

Becky disconnected the computer, as it seemed an acknowledgment of, I understand, I'm sorry, I cried with relief and feeling at that moment, Becky had chosen me. Becky looked at me and began to cry as well, we held each other, I, feeling secure again, I felt apprehension that the situation was not over and this time was one too many, why was she so addicted to this woman, I wasn't even jealous of her, my goodness, no way was I, I had no respect for this woman nor a physical attraction and I'm sure Becky wasn't either, what the hell was it, was it me, what was I doing wrong, she didn't want me anymore, she wasn't attracted to me anymore, it happens I know, oh god please, help me.

Yet again we gathered our relationship to a stage, where we could regain some form of sanity, a place where both of us, needed to once and for all, to be honest and work out a simple closure, that's funny, a simple closure, how on earth could this be a simple closure, I had tried so hard, to get our relationship back on track, to enable us to re-kindle some of the lost parts of our connection.

We promised to put all this behind us and yet, although I had been the forgiving one and the instigator of keeping our relationship together, we were fighting again. Our son still the ever growing and demanding teenager, a young person who was becoming more of a strain and pull on us both, was needing the attention he deserved and although we maintained a protective screen, for him, the cracks were beginning to weaken and it became harder to hide the damage happening in front of us.

I felt I was losing my mind, I was looking, reasoning and trying so hard to please everyone else but me, I was up against so much and although I was of strong character, I was falling fast and I felt alone yet again, I became a weepy and weak person with no idea of direction. My family were so loving but I couldn't even talk to them, I had good friends but they were sick and tired of hearing me and my partner. It was left to fate but I didn't want fate to take the decision from me, I was too scared of that.

Weeks went by and although the relationship was strained, we were holding tight, it was a bumpy ride to say the least but that was pretty normal now. Can you sense my attitude of flippancy well your right, it was somewhat carefree.

Oh I forgot to add in the mix of all this, Becky was told by her GP, that due to her severe mood swings, she was suffering from a chemical imbalance, which certainly contributed to the way she coped with every day life. I'm not making excuses for Becky but I felt at the time, if she could understand the reasons for her behaviour, then she could receive the help, she needed right now.

I'll explain.......

In a space of months, I cant quite remember now but it became progressively worse. Becky showed significant mood swings which were pretty nasty and effected her approach to me, this by the way was prior to "the woman" and I was on the receiving end of verbal abuse, rejection, cold conversations, anger and her ability to make me feel an enemy instead of her best friend.

I knew I had to be there for Becky and endure her inner pain as I loved her so deeply and I knew, deep down, she loved me too.

After my subtle suggestions and persuasions, I encouraged Becky to go to the doctors and seek advise and help. She agreed and eventually, she went to her GP, I was so happy and relieved that Becky was doing something for her well being.

When she arrived back, I reassuringly said, "well what did he say".

Becky replied, "I'm on these god dam things", I could see what they were and I knew she wasn't happy, to tell you the truth nor was I, but we had to try and see if the results were going to be positive.

In two months, the signs were so remarkable and she was coming back to me, I was so happy, so elated and you know what, so was she. Becky's whole persona was incredible. She became calm, focused and most of all close to me, inside I really did thank god for giving me a breakthrough and hope of a new future with her, I was dancing inside. I hugged her for no reason, she smiled and sensed my happiness for her and us both. I knew now when she woke up in a morning, she wouldn't feel anymore aggressive thoughts or an urge to verbally lash out with regrettable attacks. We were going to be fine again.

It was a normal day and business was good, it had been for sometime, so we decided to decorate, you know that homely stuff you like or dislike, well we did like, so the day was set, painting galore.

Becky looked her sexy self as usual painting away, the radio playing and we were both swinging our butts to the music having fun and laughing again, I was so happy.

It was lunch time, I made a cuppa and we sat down for lunch. Becky said "I'm just going to click on chat to see if our buddies are on line", I said "ok, see you in a bit". I was trusting, why not, things were great, I had no reason to worry, its ok.

About half an hour passed, I wondered where my little worker was, I shouted at the top of the stairs, "where are you come on", she replied, "ill be up in a minute".

I carried on painting, no problem, really there was no problem

Another half hour passed, I became anxious, I knew there was nothing to worry about, there wasn't was there, no don't be crazy, ill just go and see if she is ok.

I reached towards the door, history repeating itself, I half smiled looking un perturbed about her chatting away. She didn't delete the chat, oh lord I was relieved. "Who you chatting to", I said, Becky replied, "oh the woman has just clicked for a chat, so I carried on chatting".

I calmly said, "do you know we have to finish off painting", she replied, "its ok ill be up in a bit ok".

I turned and walked away. What was I to do, we had been through it all before, nothing meant a thing, our fights, our shared tears, our love, our moments of weakness, our strengths, our life, our everything.

I went up stairs, lit a cigarette, sat down amongst the debris of paint, ladders and brushes, a half completed room, it really didn't matter, I had a blank expression, a blank mind, a blank and empty inner self, nothing simply nothing.

Minutes passed, my partner came upstairs eventually.

She saw from my face that all the belief, trust and love I had was draining from me, my face was saying goodbye and I have lost all drive to keep this relationship going.

She became blaze and held a stance of total disregard of us, after all she had the attention from someone new, someone she was unable to let go, an addiction I was unable to compete with any longer.

I didn't even challenge her, we got on with the decorating, with the odd word of, are you ok, yes, we are nearly done, yes it will look good when we are done, what shall we have for dinner, I don't know you choose. Crazy is it not, two people so in love, so in sink with each other, shared so much, lived in depth with the vows of in sickness and health, thou shalt not lie, thou shalt not forsake for another, trust in each other, etc, etc, etc, what a waste of love and energy, a part of my life I didn't want to let go, but I had no choice, we were done.

That night I packed my bag, my heart was in pieces but no tears, no nothing, it was as though emotionally, I had been preparing for this day,

I didn't feel alone anymore, I felt strong, I wanted to leave her behind, I wanted to leave her with the blaze and confident attitude she held. I knew Becky so well, it wouldn't last, I knew her so well, oh so well. She watched me walk through the door, she stood at the end of the road until I got to my car, I sat and thought she has let me go. I started the car, reversed and saw her petite silhouette in the distance, I drove away from her. I had no clue where I was going or what to think, I just drove, I headed for the motorway and drove like a bat out of hell, still no thoughts, no feeling, no nothing, just foot to the pedal and drove straight, my eyes focused, my mind not my own.

My mobile phone was switched off, I knew she would call, did I ?, did I think she would call me, I switched my mobile phone back on.

Sure enough, Becky had called me, I rejected the call, tears began to trickle down my cheeks, it was an uncontrollable heart felt jerk of emotion, I was a mess, I couldn't blank my thoughts any longer, I was reaching out for her and I couldn't get to her, I longed for the attention and love I gave her to come back at me, I needed her and I had lost the one person that I loved so deeply..

I drove for miles knowing the only place I knew that was safe, that was my home town, I didn't know where to go or what to do, I took the exit I knew so well, tears pouring down my face I couldn't see for the tears, I constantly wiped my eyes and gripped the steering wheel, in a frenzied attempt to compose myself, I was so lost, so alone and desperate to be held.

I pulled into a well known burger drive through car park, it was dark and empty, I reached for my mobile phone and there was no missed call, no missed message, no nothing, I hit the steering wheel over and over again shouting, "why" "why", what had I done to deserve this why was my life falling apart, no one cares, no one is here, no one needs me. The emotion was so overwhelming, my head was bursting and my heart breaking. I sobbed relentlessly, I couldn't stop every thought, every shared moment, every smile, every word, my everything, oh god please help me.

I slumped back in to my seat, my vision blurred from the rivers of tears, my head was surging with pain but then in an instant, a sudden calm came over me, I reached for the mirror and saw my face, it told the whole story, of a woman who was losing the one woman she truly loved, a relationship which was not short of highs and lows, a partnership which coped with volatile outbursts, I, who needed more than this, me, who had strived to have a great relationship, who loved, supported, committed and devoted herself to this one woman.

I got out of the car, I took a deep breath, walked calmly into the burger bar, not a care in the world that my face had distress written all over it. I entered the fast food bar and it had a few scattered people in there, as I approached the server there was no reaction or indication of my appearance, in fact no one else bothered for that matter, perhaps, some people know when not to react and simply understand, that a woman alone late at night, is an indication to them, not to ask nor comment and choose to ignore situations that don't concern them or may encourage interaction, they really don't want to engage in or perhaps, they are simply not bothered. I bought a coffee, used the bathroom and took hold of what was left of myself, I was going back home, home, they say home is where the heart is, right now, my heart is not at home, it is a heart which, is seeking answers and home is the only place, which is familiar and can give me a chance to mend, to piece together for once, my needs, oh yes, I was going back. I drank the coffee in haste, it was hot but my mouth was so dry and the heat from the coffee was the least of my worries.

As I drove back, the reality of the present and an uncertain future didn't scare me, in fact I felt a sense someone with me, a surge of strength inside, my mind seemed to clear putting the past on hold and the present at the fore front of my mind and clarity of it all, it was for me, the beginning of a somewhat, car boot sale, a sort out, it was time to take a hold of my life no matter how hard or messy it was to be, I had to grip normality in my life, after all this relationship had so many fundamental positives, yet when I met her, my dream of a normal relationship, "normal being to me", a loving, faithful, friendly and devoted life, on the whole it was throughout our time together, but I had to contend with added turns, twists and up hill struggles which were constant, grinding me down, draining everything I gave, stretching my outer limits which were truly alien to me, also my character and way of life, changed to the person I did not want to be, so I had to accommodate me again and pull back at least some of my old self.

As I approached the street where I lived, I still kept myself in check and remained focused and calm, the inner strength was imbedded inside me, It was as though the whole picture was becoming clearer by the second, I had to resolve this once and for all.

I put the key in the door, so bold, so easy and walked straight through to the lounge, where I dropped my bag down and sat quietly. A few minutes passed, wondering where Becky was, still concerned of her whereabouts and the love and care I still had for her, she appeared, pushing the door wide open, her smile beamed, she seemed so relieved, so happy to see me as though she was saying thank god your home and its all ok, it really wasn't.

I calmly said "how are you", she replied, "I love you thank god your home I've missed you". A bombardment of questions flew my way from her, where have you been, how are you, who have you been to see, you have been a long time, I wondered when you would come back. Would you believe it, she even knew I would come back, don't we make so many assumptions in life, that's why taking people for granted is so dangerous and conceited and right now, that was Becky all over.

I began to tell Becky, from the minute I left where I went, what I did, what thoughts were flashing through my mind and the decision I had made, to release us from the ongoing mental and emotional torture I was enduring, due to the fact of her addiction of this other woman and the way in which her life was consumed, with the attraction of contact, through a screen of an unknown entirety.

Could you believe it, well I am sure you would by now, I asked what she had been doing whilst I was away, you know, whilst I was driving away from her, whilst I was dying inside and leaving this whole nightmare behind, she replied, "I have been on the internet", "oh right" I replied, "talking to who", now I was not that naive anymore oh no I wasn't, her reply was "the woman". well I rest my case........

Was I surprised, no, of course not, but inside I was shattered and destroyed, what was all this for, how could one woman demolish and destroy such a unique relationship with three words and then blatantly manipulate another. I broke down and sobbed, Becky hesitating to approach me, wondering would I lash out or embrace her, she stood there watching me, like she used to when I cried. I didn't even rise to an argument or sarcastic response not even any sudden movement of my body, simply a rye smile through the tears of, it is the end of us, no more of this, no more fighting, no more thinking, no more planning, no more story telling, its goodbye to this part of my life and you.

I had a business to run, in fact, we had a business to run and we had a son whom we had to consider and his future, along with his reaction to our gradual wind down of the business and his immanent move away from his home, to live away from me and in another house, another new start for him.

We continued to be as amicable and friendly as possible, I was so up to a point, blank minded, my memory was assisting me to erase temporarily, the years of mental torture, anxiety, anguish, disappointment, the fighting, the longing, the hopes, the anger, the torment and the sheer blatancy of addiction to another.

For the sake of people around us and the business, we had to continue for a while to maintain a successful living until it deemed the right time to sever financial ties, although the deep rooted emotions were still rife, bouncing around within me, with no particular direction, I was fighting to keep them suppressed, for the sake of my self respect and dignity.

Months passed by, in the height of our busiest time, we maintained a false screen between ourselves and customers, even our friends and family. It wasn't easy as you can imagine but the mind is a complex tool and how to this day I kept a sane mind I don't know. Also Becky, soon to be my ex, was struggling also and coming to terms with the inevitable break down of our relationship, one which in many ways was happy but suffered too many multitudes of sins.

The day came when it became appropriate for the sever of our relationship, financially and emotionally.

CHAPTER 2

It was one day in October 92, I cant for the life of me remember the exact date, its funny I should have done, seeing as it was the start of a new turn in my life, a part that slotted in to position at a time where I can reflect now, a breathe of fresh air, where the attention I was longing for and a per occupation away from the negativity of the last 3 years.

I was on line, you know that flat screen with a key board, the one that brought all the attention and heartache in he first place, yes the internet, where you click here, you click there and arrive at the chat rooms, the one where there is a mine field of Lesbians, looking for love, friendship, lust, lies and deceit. Why did I do it, well I regard myself as a sensible, trusting and truthful person. You would think this loving and truthful person was far from sensible and entering everything she had fought against but I thought I could change people's views maybe, was the naivety setting in again, no it wasn't I honestly believed I could genuinely seek friendship, someone non judgmental and I could relate to although through a screen.

Becky, whom I still regarded as my partner, in fact we both were still pursuing our relationship, yet we were hoping and praying for a miracle to happen and possibly to erase the past, of course not, but we were together and the love was holding the last strands of what we held in common.

Becky knew my need to have some form of release, after all what could she do or say to keep me away from this beast which lured her away from me in the first place, to extreme distraction.

I logged on and not to my surprise had a hit of many women, as you do, well you do it's the norm, desperate to chat and make that crucial contact with potential pray.

It is said, out of all the clubs and bars and in this case screens, you walk in to mine. Out of the flashing hits of women, I chose and clicked one, just one. Oh my, was I in for a blast and total turn around in my life, a corridor of bright lights and enticing invitations, I wasn't about to turn down, I was intrigued and certainly hooked.

Towards the end of our break up, the tension was so high from Becky, for me it was many anxious moments, accommodating her erratic moods and indecision's of what she wanted and the realization of the break up.

We talked, we argued, I tried so hard again to calm the situation and plead with her to keep hold of and treasure what was important and that was the love we still had deep down for each other.

After long and draining discussions and a clear path of deciding who was walking away with what, the final chapter of us was to close.

It was agreed I kept the business and Becky moved out with our son, whom for a 14 year old, seemed to be taking it in his stride, we knew deep down although he was experiencing our break up and signs of excitement to move in another home, he really was suppressing his real feelings, he dealt with the situation very well, I was very proud of him.

I could not run the business alone and as business partners, Becky now , was the best around, we worked as a great team, hence why the business was so successful.

For a further one year and a half, we worked together on a part time basis and it felt so serile, a platonic and for once a fantastic partnership without the pressures of the relationship, the crazy part was we were still in love.

I was living alone, I felt lonely, isolated and the reality of beginning a new life was terrifying. I knew it was the only way forward even though I still missed her and thought could it change, could we re kindle the relationship using the love we had for each other to build and strengthen us.

This was always in my mind and heart but as our relationship had meaningful and deep reasons for our split, I had no choice but to end the misery for both of us.

Well my loneliness became a tool to prompt me to take advantage of my spare time, I worked hard during the day and maintained a successful business, even though it was somewhat on a smaller scale, relying on Becky for support in the peak business times, which she did willingly and with dedication, she was incredible.

As I said earlier, this corridor of bright lights, was about to illuminate the next chapter in my life and it was an encounter, which blew my mind, it took me half way around the world and back........

Ok, I turned my sole attention in the evening to the dreaded net, I mean the internet, well what I mean to say is erm, erm, lesbian chat rooms. I sound embarrassed, I'm not but lets face it, was that not the devil in disguise, the answer now......yes, then......no, I was somehow excited, I felt freedom from guilt because I was after all, single and could explore without question, even though I remained in love with my ex partner, I was scared, so many emotions were surging through my heart and mind, I even trembled at the thought of pressing the keys of the keyboard but guess what, I did.......so here goes.......

I'll cut to the quick, picture this, a house with 11 bedrooms, 4 storey, 4 other rooms and I am alone.

I am in the lounge with a mug of tea, dim light, lovely and warm and a bright square screen in front of me, I was ready to enter the labyrinth and walk straight into a world of mystery, lure, entice, unknown, pretence, a number, a world I could get lost and forget my pain and everything around me, in effect an escape, a release to explore without question.

I clicked on the lesbian chat and oh my life, I was hit instantly, it felt good, I had a buzz, my adrenalin was rushing big style, for a brief moment I went deaf, you know that ringing in your ears and your head starts to pulsate franticly. I sat back in the chair and waited until I calmed down, calmed down I was buzzing and terrified all rolled in to one.

I typed my very first words, which were, "hi how r u", so common, so original...not....but hey I'm new to this.

Oh my life, I had a reply, "hi I'm good, where r u from".

I was not that naive, I was careful and replied "I'm from the UK, and u".

The conversation went on for about 15 minutes, it was light refreshing chat and so normal, I felt great and then the next question was "so r u good in bed", mmmmm......not what I expected, oops, I had to make a quick exit, I replied "sorry not my conversation type, take care good bye", I was so polite, but I owed this person nothing and it was simply an intrusion on my privacy, who the hell was I kidding, I was the one who clicked to chat and opened myself up to an influx of unknown and bizarre questions, what did I expect, to be honest I was not that naive to understand anything goes, it was simply the content of the conversation, not what I was looking for.

I then became cautious and toying in my head, with the fact, should I just stop now and go to bed, it really was late, I could sleep for England. I went to switch off the PC and stopped, hovering over my little mouse the little clicker which determined whether I was to quit or carry on, I took a sip of my tea and paused just briefly.

It was late but you know what, I clicked my little mouse, my one and only friend this night, well it was my friend for sometime, as I used and abused it for the next few months, simply to engage in spare time frivolity, which then that was all it was.

I went to bed eventually after chatting to numerous anonymous people, whom I hadn't a clue who they were, where they were from or why they were chatting, even though they told me, was it true, well I would never know but it was clear to see I was not the only one typing away, lonely and reaching out to exchange chit chat simply to escape from whatever their issues may or may not be.

The following day was like every other day, a routine which involved making sure my business was running as smooth as possible and ensuring I didn't become too distracted from the night before.

My spare time at night was taken up with the 15 inch flat screen with a keyboard and my little friend, mouse. It sounds sad don't you think but at the time for me it wasn't, it was my saviour and escape to a world that wasn't real, well it was but I could be whoever I wanted to be , in the privacy of my own home.

During the next few months I continued to run my business as usual with the help of my ex partner, who I told, that I was engaging with the Lesbian chat rooms. I could tell she was reluctant to comment too much, as I sensed a feeling of the questions in her head, why ? Who ? Are you really ?? I could see she was clearly uncomfortable with this and it was not appropriate to continue the conversation, after all, although I wanted to be open and honest with her, some things, were just not up for discussion.

I knew now this was going to be a huge seed in the mind of my ex partner, I knew her, she was not going to let this issue go but I could see and feel how on the edge she was, every time we were together as the odd comment would be mentioned, the occasional question would be asked, this was the start of yet another chapter of letting go.

Throughout our break up it was clear to see and feel that we both had a long way to go and although we had finalized our relationship and agreed to be strong and have a lasting friendship, we still had a depth of love, which was not going to disappear overnight.

As I said, the next chapter in my life was one of intrigue and enticement, which I was not going to ignore, after all I believed I needed a breath of fresh air, an avenue to seek adventure and repair what was damaged inside me, along with hope that, I could find a person, who could share who I was and in return feel the love I had to give with all my heart.

Well, I did....

From one simple click of a button, up pops an American lady, willing to chat with me, yes with me, mmmmmm, I really want to chat with her, ok, here goes....

The conversation was so easy, so light hearted and so informative, with no intrusive questioning, it felt normal.

Ok, I have to admit, I do wear my heart on my sleeve but I was still cautious and pretty sad, my heart was not repaired nor was it really ready for a new encounter but I needed someone, something that would pull me up, pull me through the pain and emotional turmoil I felt, not an excuse nor an escape route, simply a battered woman, who craved for peace and to smile again.

Our conversation remained light, funny and unchallenged and after 3 hours of chat, I was flagging, it was so late, actually 3am and I had to be up for business but I didn't want to stop the chat, I was in fact hooked. I questioned was I hooked to the PC or this wonderful stranger I was chatting to, a someone, something, where I typed words in from a keyboard to communicate with a total stranger, what the hell was I doing. For a person who was pretty sceptical of the internet, I was portraying hypocrisy, I had to admit, I was hooked.

I typed good night and I sensed this person felt the same as I did, reluctant to end our link, it seemed crazy but we had only just met, just met, what the hell was I thinking for goodness sake, this was a total stranger, some fruitcake maybe, or simply a real person in the same lost and sorry state as me.

We said goodbye with an edge of sadness but the chat ended with goodbye. This woman asked if we could chat again, I replied yes I would love to, oh how desperate I sounded, ok I was in my bubble of madness.

The window of chat closed and she was gone, I leaned back still staring at the screen, whether in hope she would come back on or simply I was lonely and desperate to have a link of interest in me, yes someone was interested in me, I wasn't the washed up wreck that I felt and looked, I, who actually had an interested party.

That day, I had drank tea then coffee and water, infarct I was bloated with fluid and smoked until I was all puffed out, time to sleep, sleep, I didn't want to sleep even though I was so tired, my mind was spinning with excitement and intrigue, I felt a teenager again, I wasn't of course but I truly felt it, that feeling you get inside of opening something you have and no idea what it is.

Well ok, I gave in and slept.

As my excitement and intrigue increased, I couldn't lose sight of the business and my everyday responsibilities, they seemed such a chore and boring, yet I was a woman who took great pride in keeping everything in order and making sure I was responsible, in control and appearing not to be falling apart, even though I was. I couldn't wait for the time of day to reach 10pm UK time (5pm USA time), this was the time I could talk to this mysterious woman and continue to block out what was going on around me and be carried away onto another road, leading to my escape, yes an escape which was to become, so irresponsible and foolish, a misleading and calculated journey, where I, sincerely believed.

We continued to talk over a period of a few more months, where the conversation became deeper and informative, the word subtlety, was no longer in the equation at all. The chats were sexual, intense and I felt this was going further than I had truly anticipated, although deep down, I wanted to invite her to be with me, yes I wanted to meet her.

I actually prayed for the day to come, I was anxious, with a mix of driven excitement, but I felt compelled to take our journey, just that little more further.

The last time we spoke on line was in December 93, where she wrote, "I am coming to England", "meet me in London, I will book the hotel simply be there".

I was stunned, I paused for a few minutes, staring at the screen, reading over and over again what she had said, it seemed I was paralyzed, too shocked to move or think, so much so she wrote, "hello, are you there", it triggered me to answer immediately, "yes" "I mean, yes I am here" "yes I will meet you". my head was spinning, you know the spinning you get when your in deep shock and the rush of blood circles your brain, your breathing becomes deeper louder and your heart pounds so much you are breathing to keep conscious. Tears appeared in my eyes, I broke down and cried, at first it was an emotion I couldn't explain, I cried and cried out loud, she was typing, "are you still there", "what's wrong", "your not talking to me", "have I said something wrong".

They were simple questions but I couldn't answer her, I was drowning in tears of sadness, heartbreaking sorrow that I still missed my partner so much and I was still in love with her. In another breathe I wanted to meet this woman, the woman who had actually carried me through my break up, made me laugh, gave me my confidence again, didn't judge me, was attracted to me enough to keep coming back day after day and talking to me, she even sent me inspiring and heart felt emails, everyday. I typed back, "no you have said nothing wrong, I am coming to London to meet you".

I needed to go to London and guess what, well read on please....

CHAPTER 3

In January 94, I drove to London, a 5 hour drive, which was a drive, that was to be, one of the most biggest turning points in my life.

It was after midnight on January 8th 94, I remember as it was my birthday on January 10th. It was a cold and wet night but to be honest it could have been monsoon season and I would have still got in the car and drove to London. As I started the car, I felt sick with guilt, excitement and intrigue, I felt like a teenager with her first crush.

I drove out of town and joined the motorway south, clutching on to the steering wheel, knuckles white with a tight grip, my heart racing so much, I wish I could have clicked my fingers and I was there already.

After 3 hours I had to stop for a bathroom break, I was alone at around 3 am, walking into a motorway service area, heading for London to meet a woman, I had never met before and leaving behind a trail of guilt, love and uncertainty of what the hell I was going to achieve by doing this, I hadn't a clue, but that page had not been turned and I wanted to turn the page, in hope it was better than the one before.

I was on my way again, still focused on this long road ahead and what a road in more ways than one.

The road was quiet, hardly a sole to see, it felt like I was driving on air, I felt nothing, no thoughts, no feeling, no nothing, even the excitement had subsided, it was so strange but I felt a sense of calm and meaning, why I was doing this, it was simply, to satisfy my own needs, something for me, the freedom, something I could own myself.

I was 30 minutes from London and remember the excitement subsided, well guess what, it was back and this time with vengeance, my head felt as though it was going to explode, my heart began to race at high pace, the whole of my body started to shake uncontrollably, to the extent, I had to stop the car, I pulled over and tried desperately to compose myself, trying to be adult and rational about what I was doing. Rational, what the hell was that, how on earth I got to here I don't know.

We choose our own destiny, our lives simply pan out in one way or another, but I for one right now, couldn't for the life of me, stop the shaking and fast heart beat. I slumped back in my seat and closed my eyes, just for a few minutes, thoughts of my ex partner, came flooding in to my head, flashbacks of smiles, good times, holidays together, kindness, reliability, strength and compassion between 2 people........then my thoughts were intercepted by the heartache we had endured. By this time, I opened my eyes and for a few seconds forgot where I was.......

Now I was ready to complete my journey....

I'm a country girl and large towns are my limit, never mind the capital of England, for goodness sake.

Well here I am, oh my life it has been mmmmmmm, 10 years since I had been to London and even then it was amazing but daunting to say the least.

Oh there is the Marble Arch, round I go, oh round again, I'm sure that was my turning, ooopppps, round again, hey come on its 5 am and I've had a long drive and no clue, which lane I'm to be in, oh please give me a break, round again.....well at least I can give a detailed talk on the Marble Arch for sure.

There it is, oh one last trip past the Marble Arch, yet again, oh my.......

Oh turn right, hotel, where is the hotel, got it, thank the lord.

Sorry, I forgot to mention, my American friend had already booked the hotel, how wonderful is that, mmmmmm.

I parked the car, oh my life, it is so expensive, hey live life to the full they say, I'm certainly doing that for sure.

I got out of the car, cool as a cucumber, got my case out of the boot, locked up and strutted towards the main door of the hotel, oh how I strutted as though I was some kind of cocky celebrity, with a photo shoot ahead. Yeah right, eyes like golf balls, hands swelled from the heat of the car, my back aching so much, I felt like s...

Hey I pulled it off, approached the reception desk, gave them my details and hey presto, I was in the lift heading to my room, still cool as a cucumber. The ping of the lift stopping and arriving at my floor, certainly got my adrenalin pumping, the doors opened and I stepped out pulling my case behind me, well the dam thing got stuck in track of the lift and you know when you slightly panic, thinking the doors will shut before you get yourself and luggage out, well that was me too. Well the doors didn't shut as I yanked my case out, even though it was far from a slick manoeuvre. Ok which way, right or left, ahh yes left. Oh my life I was actually entering my room. Oh I have to mention, I am a day ahead of my American friend, so I have booked a single room until tomorrow, costing an arm and a leg and more but hey, I was firing on tnt, ready to explode with excitement, yet feeling sick to the stomach, that I had agreed to meet someone who I had never met before and from the USA, crazy, yet I knew deep down I had to, my curiosity and potential regret got the better of me.

I had my mobile phone switched off, as I knew that when my ex knew I had for want of a better word, fled, I would be bombarded with calls and texts, which I had no idea of how to explain this one, without it sounding so crazy, bizarre and totally hurtful towards her, even though we were over. My ex was still suffering badly emotionally, physically and mentally. I knew that my actions would hurt Becky, but I tried so hard to care for her and make sure our break up was disrupted to minimum but it made no difference, I knew I had to be here and that each stage, with passing time, would become easier for her. My feelings were pretty mixed, I had a sense of duty and care towards my ex, after all I still loved her so much, yet my heart and freedom were also important to making a decision to take a new path, a new future that I was craving for deep down, to find someone that maybe, just maybe, would have a connection with me, which fuelled a healthy relationship.

I sat on the bed looking around, absorbing the rich red paisley decor, flamboyant drapes, lush thick carpet and a bed so comfy, I knew I was going to crash out and sleep for England, I was so exhausted. I couldn't help feeling, as to why I was here, questioning whether to simply, grab my case and return home or follow this bizarre string of planned events. Was I really sure that I was aware of the down sides and worst scenario of returning home, deflated and disappointed, well guess what, it was countdown time, 24 hours to go before I met miss USA, I had made my mind up to meet her, I simply couldn't let this go.

I undressed, pulled back the silk covered duvet and white crisp linen, slipped into bed, closed my eyes and within minutes, I was at long last at peace and tucked away, in a state of sheer uninterrupted bliss, well for a little while anyway.

You know when you start to wake, the warmth and comfort you feel as you stir, well I felt so safe, so isolated and only one person knowing where I was, although up to a point the situation felt irresponsible, it also felt daring, throwing caution to the wind and potentially coming through a period in my life, where I was certain again, it could be right. I had failed before and now again, I wanted to embrace a new beginning, yes again, what the hell was I thinking, I had gone through a 10 year relationship which ended and a 4 year one, I sound like a little girl entering her first kiss, well I have had my fair share of loves with women over the years, and as I always say, this feels different, does it really !!!!!

I lay in the comfort of my bed, eyes wide open and taking in the splendour of my room and in between the thoughts of this cosy, isolated and warm room, again a rush of guilt, fear and a sense of obligation to a woman, who I shared such intense moments with, whether they be good or bad. I flung back the thick luxurious duvet from me, sat up in bed and stupid me, went light-headed and disorientated for a few seconds, realising where I was and what my purpose was of being hear, or did I ??

I got up made my bed, had a shower, got dressed and made my way to the breakfast room, well hall, alone and pretty sheepish, what was wrong with me, a strong willed, confident individual had succumbed to fear and low self confidence, all because I gripped my heart and took it somewhere different, somewhere in hope it could beat again the way I wanted it to.

I ate breakfast quite easily, I even had more, my appetite was rampant and I made the most of it, lovely surroundings, excellent service, wonderful food, it was simply like being let into a candy shop without restriction, it was a situation so childlike and a sense of allowing myself a treat, the freedom to do what ever I liked, just for that moment.

I went back to my room to begin the countdown, of the arrival of a woman from over the pond, bloody big pond if you ask me, an ocean which separated, right now , a future I so wanted to share, a future which only I could hope for, question marks, question marks, this was the hardest thing, question marks.

As I looked at my watch, I couldn't focus, my eyes went blurred, it wasn't tiredness, it was my brain blocking out the reality of the situation, I know it was. I concentrated and I had 3 hours to decide whether to turn around and go back home, I had 3 hours to convince myself this was right or wrong, I had 3 hours to sit and wait or even go and see the sites of London, well we could do that together, you see no matter how much I tried to kick myself into touch and challenge with my inner self, I had already made up my mind to meet this woman and embrace our bizarre encounter.

I checked my watch and 20 minutes to go before I would see the woman I had only spoken with and exchanged emails and chat. A few minutes to go and now I am pacing the large rich reception area, sitting down on the edge of the luxurious sofa, getting up again, sitting down again, oh my goodness, I was a woman pocessed, as they say.

I had to go to the loo, I couldn't bare it any longer, the waiting, the clock watching, the straightening of the hair, clothes and my mind exhausted with persistent challenge.

I looked in the mirror, checking I looked ok, staring at myself, rubbing my arms, straightening my hair, turning to the side, turning the other side, stop, stop, stop, one last look in the mirror, then I walked out of the loo and faced the beech double doors, oh my life, she was there, standing right by the reception desk, oh god please help me, let this be the right move, let this be the meeting I have prepared myself for all this time.

I opened the double doors and walked towards the reception desk with so much excitement, my face must have been a picture to capture. She turned around, as if she knew I was there, we looked at each other and both smiled.

She spoke the words, "my beautiful surprise", I smiled some more, in fact, it was as though I froze in time. She walked towards me and kissed me softly on the cheek, where I responded by putting my arms around her and saying, "it is so good to see you". A moment like this, is to be treasured, the sheer rush of happiness, elation and loved up emotion, yes loved up, comes all at once and a sense of well being runs through you out of control in seconds, until you realise, that you never want it to end, yet in reality you have to inhale, to take the oxygen, to enable yourself to calm down and take control of the situation, without looking like a fool.

We both smiled at each other, fixated in a state of time freeze, it seemed as though we didn't want to move, as if we had counted every second for this one moment, a moment of last minute planning, which at the time I thought, was a simple turn of fate.

I couldn't read her mind, but I saw in her eyes that this was somewhat an endearing encounter, a duty and something she needed to do, I know that this sounds a crazy statement to make but although I felt surrounded by a mask of heaven sent, I also felt that she was blasé, matter of fact, mixed with a believable presence around me.

After seconds of emotional turmoil and controlled calmness, she said, "shall we go to our room", I replied "sure", yeah right, who was the laid back matter of fact chic now, not me, I assure you.

Our journey, yes journey, well that's what it felt like to me, long slow and yet again I was feeling the adrenalin rush, I was so excited, wanting so much basically to grab her in the lift and kiss her and for the record, I didn't, but oh my I so wanted to. We stood side by side, both with a huge Cheshire cat grin, breaking in to nervous laughter, where I said "I am so nervous, yet so happy you are here", she replied, "I'm happy too, please don't be nervous", me nervous never, but I was, was it the fact I was pre-empting an outcome, or was it that out of respect I was suppressing my feelings or was it a simple case of my sexual desire to get to the room and make love to her.

Well guess what the lift doors opened, we slowly walked to our room, opened the door and yes you guessed it, or did you, ?

Actually, the first words spoken were, "wow, what a small room, for a London hotel", I actually agreed, it was pretty small, hey here I am passing comment on a London hotel room being small, in the light of the situation, a room, which was to be our haven of lust, sex and sheer indulgence, the room size was certainly not going to be an issue. My split second thought was, oh my, this must be small, compared to the magnitude of her property in New York, which she said she owned, amongst many.

We nervously, I mean, I nervously unpacked my case, hardly saying a word, it was as though we were caught up in the moment and after all the telephone chats, emails and online chat, we were all of a sudden struck with dumbness, it felt somewhat, regimental, something we had to do, to get things in order, as to get the formalities over with, a preparation, in readiness for our guards to drop and embrace the planned expectations, of the precious time we had together.

I turned and said "would you like a cup of tea or coffee", she replied "yeah sure", she laughed, "I mean coffee", I laughed back, then smiled and said "I can't believe you're here", she smiled and said, "well I am and it is so good to see you, my beautiful surprise", I walked over to her, put my arms around her and being the eager, crazy woman I am, I literally, sank my tongue down her throat, pushing us both onto the bed, where she responded by rolling me onto my back, pulling back and she raised up above me, straggled across me and said, "hey I want you to kiss me, but huni, please ease back on the throat surgery", I began to laugh out loud and so did she, it was for sure an ice breaker, my eagerness got the better of me and also was a crucial moment, which was to cement the rest of our time together.

The inevitable happened and although I would like to share this with you, it is suffice to say, the room became bigger, the world didn't exist, my mind was an abundance of happiness, my body ringing with delight.

We lay side by side for a moment, just a brief moment, when again

she demanded more, she infused me of yet more delight, I was overwhelmed with the sensation of wanting more, needing more, I pulled her down on me, her face was intent to please yet again and fulfil the needs, the lust, the want, the sheer seduction of unadulterated sexual desire between two people.

The whole of my body was exhausted and a sigh of ecstasy rang in the room, our bodies naked and refreshed, the smell of perfume and happiness, filled all of my senses, this for sure, was what I had longed for, oh how I had missed this excitement and space to express so much energy, with a person I came to know in such a short space of time and arrived at such a deep, intimate level with.

What was to be our next plan, a pretty good one, to follow this act, that's for sure. Well, I'm not that shallow, to encourage conversation, check out the sights of London and dine out, catch a West End show and simply have coffee and absorb every precious moment with her.

You know what, we did all that, it was fun from start to finish, we dined out in a small intimate Greek restaurant, where the meal was delicately sparse, and the service was much to be desired, a memory which at the time we shared, joked and placed in memory as a check off, as part of a list to do things list.

We had coffee in and around Trafalgar Square, we saw Buckingham Palace, we fed the birds, we saw the Beefeaters, we saw the guards, we walked through London until we dropped, passing Harrods, Selfridges and so many more, we never stopped laughing, chatting, looking, taking in the sites, oh and the Tate Gallery, even having lunch in a mind blowing tower restaurant, which cost an absolute fortune, for an afternoon cream tea for 2(so British).

We also, went into the Tower of London and she even persuaded me to take a "Jack The Ripper" tour, oh my was I wetting myself, well not in the literal sense but you get my drift.....

Finally, we booked the West End show, "Rent", it was a show which she had recommended. I had no clue of the story and actually, was my first West End show in years, so I was pretty nervous, as to what to expect. You know what, it was a show that I will never forget, nor feel such empathy, towards the cast who portrayed the story in a way, which will always be an embedded memory, please go and watch this show if you have the opportunity, it is simply, inspiring.

Phew, I'm exhausted........

Ok, I will mention, that in between all of the splendour and outrageous extravagance, the burning question, I'm sure your waiting for is......... did we experience yet more intimate delight, well yes, infact, I embraced the frequency of our special time together and also may I add, I was loved up so much, my body was asking for a reprieve, a break, a power charge, something to prepare, for the next surge of sexual intensity thrust in to me.

Suffice to say, a sexual experience, which was deep and consuming, a relentless barrage of sheer ecstasy.

The time together, had sadly come to an end, a time which I would never forget, nor choose to forget, it was too high drama to push aside and think it never happened, because it did.

Throughout our time together in London, I never mentioned really, any conversations we shared, well, not too much to tell, as the chats we had were, somewhat, misted, yes misted, I can only explain our exchanges as, everyday conversational chat, you would have with a friend, you haven't seen in a long time. I tried on numerous occasions, to ask and prompt more about her personal life, which in some cases was answered to an extent, such as, her recent break up, home life, work status, property ownership, a small family, a few likes and dislikes. All of what I managed to extract, seemed superficial, you are thinking and smelling an uncomfortable aura here, you are, are you not ????

Well, let me continue and then you can make your own mind up as to whether, Carly, oh yes her name is Carly, is all what she says she is.......

It was a cold morning, both Carly and I had to say goodbye, our time together was over, but your thinking, do we see each other again, yes of course we do.

I kissed Carly goodbye, it was a long and soft kiss, I remember she held me and whispered, "my beautiful surprise", I smiled and replied "thank you for a wonderful time, I am going to miss you so much", she replied, "I will miss you too, but I promise, we will see each other soon". with that, she walked to the taxi, loaded her bags, shut the door and the taxi drove off.

Carly didn't turn to wave goodbye, perhaps she was upset, maybe it was too upsetting for her, or she couldn't wait to get away from me.

I felt so alone again, I was upset to see her go, but a sudden rush of guilt came over me again, I know, that throughout my stay in London, my mind and body had been pretty occupied, to say the least and yes I was so consumed with the here and now, I didn't want to think of a week ago, or even the last few years, it was a negative part of my life and I simply wanted to forget.

I failed to mention, that I switched my mobile phone off most of the time in London, but just in case my family needed to contact me, I put it on occasionally, to check, as I was aware of Becky, possibly ringing or texting me. Sure enough, the times I did switch my mobile phone on, the calls registered and the texts were coming through, all from Becky.

I wasn't the kind of person to ignore her, nor dismiss getting in touch, I honestly thought, no contact, was sincerely the best policy, not because I was with Carly, but I made a choice not to, yes, I chose not to. I was being selfish, was I really, well being the person I was, I told myself, I was selfish, yet, I wasn't really, I was simply having a good time, yes a good time, a time of sheer self indulgence, something which I was not used to, a part of my life in London with a lovely woman, whom travelled, thousands of miles, just to see me.

I went back to my room and sat on the bed, looking around aimlessly, trying to put in perspective, where I was, what I had experienced and reflecting on the events of the last week, I had shared with Carly. It was pretty incredible to believe that what I had touched and sensed during our time together, I was in some ways so privileged to have shared such planning, preparation, precision, fun, laughter and sheer escapism, with someone, who I really didn't know, or did I........

I did a stupid thing, yes a spur of the moment click of a button and spoke these words, "I'm coming home and yes, I still want you". let me explain. I rang Becky, she was pleading with me to come home and we talk, with a promise that I would re-kindle our relationship. You know I sincerely thought we could, what was I thinking, I had just said goodbye to Carly, after spending a week of fulfilment, in depth passion and uninterrupted life, yes I was walking on air and I promised Becky all will be ok, no, no, no, it won't be alright. What I meant to say was, I'm coming home, I will pop in and see you and make sure your ok, why did I do this...

Becky was suffering more than I thought, with our break up and on my arrival it was apparent to see.

I got in my car, threw my case in the back and once again, attempted to get out of London, hopefully missing the Marble Arch, 4 times around. My journey became, a struggle for me, it seemed to take me forever to master the art of direction and time. Although I was thinking of Carly, I couldn't think beyond Becky either. In fact, I thought more of Becky, how she was, what could I say or do, how will I explain my week away with Carly, in a way which would ease her pain, her pain, no one can soften this blow, especially, when she will want to know the truth, everything in detail. I know we were finished and I have no obligation nor responsibility towards Becky but I am human, really I am and to be on the receiving end of the truth, is going to be heartbreaking for her but I have to tell the truth.

The journey is nearly at an end and thank the lord it is, I am so tired physically and mentally. Do I go straight home or go to Becky first, no I will go home, I need to sleep, I need to shut my mind down and hope, that when I wake, I am able to speak to Becky, Lord, I really hope I can.

CHAPTER 4

I have slept for 7 hours, not realising that my mobile phone is still switched off, oh my life, I panicked, why did I panic, this was because I immediately thought of..........Becky.

I held my mobile, in readiness for the tone of messages, constantly ringing out, sure enough, my mobile didn't stop for a few minutes, filtering each text coming through.

In the time I had slept, 33 messages had come through, 29 from Becky, 1 from my mum and 3 from Carly. I replied to my mum in brief, so that she wouldn't worry and replied, I would call her back later. As far as Carly, her messages read, "I miss you Shar x", "hi r u ok ? X", "I am home, text me, I need 2 hear u r ok x". I immediately texted Carly back, in a frantic, must do now frenzy. My message said, "I'm fine huni, needed to sleep, long trip like u, so glad ur safe x"

At this moment in my life, I felt cornered, I felt like a naughty school girl, who had to explain the why's and where for's, for goodness sake, I was 41, not a kid who had come in late from a drunken binge with her mates, I wanted to scream and shout, "why am I being punished, for trying to work hard to make a relationship work and to be knocked down, trying to be kind and warm, why was I riddled with guilt and deceit, I wasn't the one who was unfaithful, or spoke to another with such disrespect and contempt, why was I feeling this blanket of pressure, to be strong and perform a miracle, to make things better, it wasn't my job to do this. Oh lord, give me strength......

You know what, the Lord did give me strength, whether he did or not, something or somebody, dished me a lifeline. The blanket lifted, I felt clear in my mind, that very minute. I believe to this day, that I had snapped, not in an aggressive way but in a way, that I realised, it was time to put me first and although my character was scarred by the recent events with Becky, I wanted to maintain the caring side of me, I didn't want anymore heartache or aggressive exchange, it wasn't me, even though I placed myself in the relationship with Becky for sometime and should have ended it sooner, but I didn't have the guts, nor did I deep down, want to end it, as I loved her so much.

I gathered myself along with my thoughts and drove over to Becky's, was I in for one hell of a shock.

I knocked on the door and Becky appeared in front of me, my face said it all. Becky raised a smile and collapsed in my arms, as I held her, she was weak and uncontrollably sobbing. She had lost so much weight, I was terrified she would be so ill, that there was no turning back. Becky was so lifeless, she had no energy to argue, or even challenge me. I got her to the sofa and held her hand, she was still sobbing, tears literally pouring down her face, she couldn't even speak. I held her in my arms, all I could feel was a bony body, so weak. I began to cry, I couldn't believe how deep routed our relationship was, to mentally effect Becky so much.

I lifted her up, I walked her to her bed, so she could lie down, she said, "please, don't, you will go and I will never see you again", I replied, "no I won't go, I will stay with you and lie next to you", immediately she willingly, lay down and me next to her. It was a situation, I will never forget, 2 people, surrounded by such emotion, I have never experienced such deep love, I had then and yet I knew, even though right now, Becky needed me, I vowed to myself, I will take care of her, as I would any other but my problem was, to be there as a friend and not as a lover, I had to be there for her, no one else knew her like I did and I knew it would take some time, to get Becky back to a mental state, she could handle and become a stronger person, in hope she could let go and find her own way, to make a new life.

It took time as you can imagine, to repair Becky's heart and in a way, it was meant to happen like this, pain, suffering and heartfelt gestures. We became such good friends again, I saw Becky gain weight, colour return to her cheeks, her funny antics and the side of Becky, I once knew and missed. It certainly wasn't without challenge nor the odd dig here and there but somehow, we were getting through.

Throughout this emotional and endearing time, I continued to keep in touch with Carly and although Becky was aware of my contact with Carly, there was still a distant pain inside, I could see in her face she was trying so hard to brush off my connection with Carly, she would talk quite openly of our relationship and seemed to accept, up to a point, why I had to move on, it seemed easier, although somewhat cautious at times and I felt, I had to be honest, yet diplomatic and kind to Becky's ears and soul.

In March 94, after my spellbinding delights of London, I received a telephone call from Carly. An out of the blue call, as we always planned our contact, down to time and convenience of work schedules.

It was great to hear from her and we chatted for 2 hours, about work, friends, family and of course how Becky was doing. Even Carly, I guess, seemed to have accepted the situation with Becky and seemed to embrace, the importance of my time spent, getting Becky back to some form of normality, which to me, was part of the attraction to Carly, understanding, diplomatic, attentive and sharing situations with me, which in all honesty, was not her responsibility nor her place, to even entertain the fact.

You know when a conversation is coming to an end and you have exhausted all the small chat, well, that's how I felt. It seemed for the first time, we were pausing, a brief silence on the phone, where you say "are you still there", the reply is "yes, I'm still here". I felt I had no choice but to say, "ok huni, I will speak to you later on line, is that ok ? "Carly replied, "sure, I can't wait", then a pause again, "Carly are you there ?", "yes I'm here", I replied, "what's wrong, I sense it in your voice", another pause, "Carly, tell me, what's wrong", in those couple of seconds, I knew there was something Carly either wanted to say, or there was something wrong, she replied "Shar, I've booked a flight to the UK, for valentines and I will be with you for 12 days, are you happy ?"

Oh my lord was I happy, I had my tent pitched at the airport already, waiting........I think I deafened her, I replied "yes, yes, I'm so happy, what date, what time, which airport, are you sure, are you really sure, can you afford the flight, oh my life, Carly are you still there ?" all I could hear was Carly laughing so much, she was coughing to get breathe, she laughed and laughed so much, even I laughed to my hearts content, realising how wonderful this news was, that she was travelling yet again, so far, just to me, yes me, I knew in my heart Carly was going to become a more serious part of my life and yes, I was thinking long term, I was right now, letting my guard down to accept the feelings of this woman, was attracted to me, for whom I was and what I needed for me, oh joy. After the uncontrollable laughter had subsided, Carly said, "ok, are you listening to me now", I replied, "yes, I am"(chuckle), she continued to say, in broken laughter, "I will speak to you online tonight and give you all the details, ok", I said "ok, yes". it was at this point, I couldn't help myself, a moment of yet more madness but I felt it to be, the right time, where I said "I love you", what the hell was I saying but I felt it, was it out of madness, joy, stupidity or simply I had realised that it was suffice enough, that Carly had taken the time and money, to travel half way round the world to see me, yes me. Carly replied "I love you to Shar", I was elated to hear those words from Carly, it seemed to cement the moment and the long term thoughts I had, of us somehow being together, a happy ever after scenario, you know the one, where there are trials and tribulations but love conquers all, yes ok, let's move on.

Carly, said "I do love you Shar and we will soon be together, speak later, bye Shar", I replied, "bye Carly".

The phone went down, I didn't move a limb, I simply took a breathe and exhaled, so that my brain wouldn't pack up on me before she got here. You know what, I began to cry, tears falling down my cheek, it was a combination of happiness, sadness, excitement, loyalty, commitment and the thought of how I am going to explain this to Becky. Am I a fool to think of Becky, do I simply knock Becky in the head, not literally ofcousre, a figure of speech, do I move on and live my life and follow my heart, what if Becky slopes back in to depression, why am I bothering to save Becky's feelings, what about mine, how can I have a new relationship, based on the care for my ex, impossible, just impossible, I can't subject Carly to a life of ex trauma and history, how the hell would I feel, no way, I am going to be honest and move forward, I have a chance to start again, to ensure this relationship is honest and clear of passed debris, yes, I'm starting again...........really I am........hilarious.

I use the word hilarious now of course, as yet again, another sting in the tale, has a habit of biting you in the butt and in my case, my butt was bitten badly.

I had only days before Carly arrived, in the UK, in fact at my house, I felt I had so much to do, yet I hadn't really, all I had to do was, pick Carly up from the airport and bring her back to my home, for a whole 12 days, yes 12 whole days, oh how I was wanting the time to pass and praying it was today she was going to be with me. My initial panic, was not to do with what I had to do, but how I was to tell Becky, of her visit, in less than 8 days away. It was enough time wasn't it, to smoothly and calmly tell Becky, wasn't it...

As I was in such a motivated and certainly excited mood, I grabbed the bull by it's horns and telephoned Becky, straight away, I small talked my way through, what I can only explain as nervous assertiveness, in hope my voice didn't sound like a multitude of grovel and edgy one liners. Becky knew me too well, she sensed I was edgy and being too nice and accommodating, oh for goodness sake, again I was protecting her feelings, or was I, did I simply want to be strong, get on with my life and disregard how Becky would feel, no, I just wanted to do what was right, I didn't want to upset Becky at all, I just needed to move on and share my excitement of Carly coming to me and tell Becky how wonderful I felt, that Carly had surprised me by taking time and financial effort to come and see me again. For crying out loud, why do I have to continue explaining myself to Becky and only Becky. I loved her very much but the love was a respected love, god only knows why, it was history, a part of my life which I shared so much with her, that I was unable to disregard in such a short space of time. I had thought many times, how maybe, I was entering into this romantic mix with Carly, too quickly, too easily and although I felt a speediness to Carly and I, it still felt right, yet I was drawn to maintain a balance of ease for Becky.

Loyalty, what an over rated word, if Becky had been as loyal to me, then we wouldn't be in this situation would we.

Becky was too astute, as my over acted conversation didn't convince Becky at all, she said, "ok, are you going to tell me", I replied, "what do you mean", she replied, "I know you too well, just spit it out, tell me". she was right, I was simply skirting around, in hope I would pluck up the courage to tell her. I paused and calmly said, "Carly is coming to see me", she replied, "when", I said, "in 7 days time, she lands in the UK and I will pick her up and bring her back to my house", Becky replied, "how long is she staying for", I replied, "12 days", again Becky questioned, "so why is she coming again", I replied, "to see me, to spend time in the UK", she replied not to my surprise, "you mean, she's coming to bed you", her mood changed, now you know why, I was so reluctant to even discuss it with her. Becky paused again but I replied, "Becky, you wanted me to be honest with you and I'm trying so hard, to think of your feelings, I can't carry on like this, I'm the one who should be severing all contact with you, but no, instead I care for you and although I know this must be hard for you, deeply I do, what do you want me to do ?" Becky replied, "go and bed her, let's face it you already have and I hope you are very happy together", then she put the phone down.

I was supposed to be excited that Carly was coming to see me but instead, I felt worn out upset and wondering what to do next. Frustrating I know, you may be thinking, tell Becky enough, or are you thinking, you should never have met this woman and have a chance at a new life with another, or even get back with Becky, it's obvious you love each other. Well, I would say we still love each other, but for me, I honestly had the stuffing knocked out of me by Becky and although I love her, I am too scared to start all over again, Becky on the other hand would jump at even the thought of us being together again but I just can't, not anymore.

That day, I constantly thought about the reaction of Becky, afraid that when Carly arrived, I would be dealing with abuse and anger, I also ignored the phone most of the day, as Becky kept ringing me, in hope I would answer, but what was there to say, was I making it worse not answering or should I answer and receive yet more cutting and sharp edge comments from Becky, I just didn't know what to do.

I rang Carly in America, something I did quite a lot, the pay card I purchased, was certainly a cheaper way of communication. Carly was busy but found time to talk with me. I explained the conversation I had with Becky and Carly was so understanding, so empathic with me, Carly made it seem no big deal, it was just someone who was voicing off and was hurting but I had no reason to feel guilt nor responsibility for Becky, she was an adult who was dealing with this, in her own way. It seemed so clear when Carly had spoke those words to me, but I knew Carly didn't know Becky how I did and repercussions were at the top of Becky's list.

Six days had past and during this time, I felt between the devil and the deep blue sea, managing my thoughts, my words, my life and my business, a pretty tall order, when all of the above, are juggling acts. I never wanted any of this turmoil, which was consuming my life, a life which I had supposedly left behind, obviously not, I had to be strong, I had said this before, I promised myself, I would care for Becky but not be controlled by the constant bombardment of her words, the anchor she had put me in, I had to do something, to ensure Becky again understood, we were over, we were done, it is a closed chapter.

The eve of Carly's arrival couldn't come soon enough, I had spoken to Becky and clearly said to her, that no matter what, I would be her friend, if she allowed it to be, I also said, that Carly was arriving tomorrow and I want her visit to be a good one and before Becky could say one letter, I said "Becky, I mean it, if you think of planning to upset me or Carly, or come anywhere near us, I will call the police, this has got to stop", Becky I think, was taken back by my shaky but assertive tone and seemed to understand, that I was serious. You know what, I was serious, this was nothing to do with Carly anymore, this was Becky's issue, I had tried so hard to help her get through our break up, it was for goodness sake, time to let go. I know I loved Becky, for the time we had shared, the history, the person she was, but although I still cared for her, there was no more I could do, to make her feel any better.

The day arrived when Carly walked through the arrivals doors, there she was as she had promised, a beaming smile and a hug that was on the border of bone breaking, she whispered, "my beautiful surprise", I replied, "thank you for making this trip, it is so good to see you", we quit the bone crushing embrace and made our way to the car and drove home, yes home, where we both could, press the play button again, no stop, no pause, just play.

We arrived back safe and sound, still chatting away about general everyday stuff, keeping the deep, depressing chat well away for now. Carly's first impressions of my home was, "wow this is cute, not a bad size", I replied, "I bet not as big as your properties in New York", she replied, "you are right, it is smaller than my properties, but hey, you have done well".

You would think, that after such a long journey, sex was the last thing on your mind, not for Carly, she said, "show me your bedroom", I stood back, looked at her puzzled and re-checking what she had just said, yes she asked, where my bedroom was, I then laughed and replied, "downstairs, you can't be serious", she replied, "where's your sense of adventure, come on, I've missed you", I felt like a sailor, who had been away at sea and this was my 2nd port of call, yes one in every port.

There was a huge smile from Carly, I didn't know whether she was serious or joking around, oh my, she was serious, she grabbed my hand and said, "lead the way, come on, I've missed you so much", with that, I too, smiled and we went downstairs.

Carly, didn't say a word but began to take my clothes off, I felt exposed, ok wrong expression to use maybe, but I did, for the first time, I felt vulnerable in my own home, I had a sense of guilt, thoughts of Becky, not in a sexual way, but an apologetic cry within. You know what, for a brief minute, as Carly was undressing me, I also felt Carly was invading my life, why was I feeling this, as though she knew what she was doing, a plan or plot. Why the hell was I feeling this, as the last piece of clothing came from me, I began to undress Carly, looking into her eyes, searching for a clue or expression which would dampen my thoughts and feelings, I nervously took one garment of her, as to prolong my thoughts and to digest what was actually happening in front of me. Before I could finish, Carly began to kiss me, she ran her hands up and down my body, pulling me tight to hers, she gently lay me on the bed, where I had no room anymore for thoughts or negative feelings, she took me once again into an immediate ecstasy trip, yet again our intimacy together was powerful, explosive and dominating, a pleasure to be repeated, addictive to the extent of wanting more, in fact everyday, twice a day, sometimes three times a day.

Ok what else did we do, ate, drank, talked, gay clubs, dining out, walking along the beach, all the things you would want to do, when your with such great company. The thoughts I had initially, had dispersed, until two days before Carly was to leave.

Becky had kept her promise, well actually she didn't promise, but from the conversation we had prior to Carly arriving, I had made it clear, no wise cracks or disturbance, whilst Carly was here.

Well, up to now, Becky and I had chatted on the phone, where the conversation seemed calm, civil and somewhat subdued, but I was not going to knock it, we had a break through, so I thought.....

Becky rang first thing in the morning, Carly and I were still in bed, sleeping, yes I assure you sleeping.

I answered the phone and Becky said, "good morning", I replied, "good morning", Becky sounded jolly, which was great, so I said, "what are you up to today", she replied, "I thought I would pop over and see you", I knew then, her jolly tone, was a smoke screen for the plan she had to come over and begin her onslaught of wise cracks, suppressed anger and bullying tactics, this had to be nipped in the bud now, no more walking on the egg shells with Becky.

I replied, "Becky, we don't know what we are doing today, we may go out, we don't know yet", she replied, "no problem, let me now when your back and I will pop around then", I replied, getting out of bed, as I wanted to spare Carly of Becky's call, I replied, "Becky please, we have had this conversation, please don't come around, it will be best for all of us", she replied, "you mean best for you both, so you can s... to your hearts content". at this stage, I should have put the phone down but I didn't, mindful of, if I do, she will come here anyway, if I stay on the line with her, just maybe, I could calm the situation down, wrong. I said, "Becky, there are two days to go and Carly will be gone", she replied, "so what, I want to meet her, I want to see what she has that I don't", I replied, "please Becky, I am trying so hard to think of your feelings, I have been there for you and continued to walk on egg shells around you, just stop this now", she replied, "ok, I won't phone again, while Carly is here", I said, "thank you Becky", with this, Becky hung up.

I went back in to Carly, who was somewhat angry too, which up to a point, I can understand, she has had to be under the shadow of Becky, ever since we met. Yes, we have explored, enjoyed and whipped up quite a stir between us, but Becky just won't let go.

Carly displayed a coldness towards me but not quite enough to disturb my fears, she was attentive, with a twist of edge to her conversations and her closeness towards me, I began to feel, her interest towards me, was slowly turning off. Carly still remained jolly, happy go lucky, but it seemed the Becky situation had now touched a deep nerve.

That day we both tried to get on with our plans, I knew I was mindful of maybe Becky simply turning up at the door, I just had this feeling and Carly, although there was a chink in her armour, she also remained cautious, but pretty cool about it all.

We decided to have a movie day, curl up together and watch movies, one being, "my big fat Greek wedding", I had not seen it before and oh was it funny, I really enjoyed it. We drank coffee, then wine, ate Doritos and proper food as well, but basically had a great day together, oh and of course more intimate delight, at this rate, I will need a rest.

The day had ended on a high, one more day to go, then Carly had to leave.

I haven't really elaborated on the background of Carly have I, for you to get a picture, of her, I will give you a brief run down, as I am sure, you will draw for yourself, your own opinion and conclusion, of the real Carly, or will you......

Carly was born in New York, an only child, in 1963. Her mum and dad live a simple life, not wealthy but happy, along with her grandmother, who's health is a concern, but is well looked after. Carly owns property in New York, worth millions of dollars and yet boasts a simple and modest lifestyle, where she works as a sales consultant, travelling a lot abroad, for a large international company.

Her home also is small, but enough for her and her cat, which she loves dearly. Her friends are many, mixing in circles, where parties and travelling are a social pleasure.

Her relationship broke up 6 months prior, to meeting me and after 13 years, her relationship came to an end, due to her partner drinking and the breakdown was irretrievable. Carly spoke occasionally about her ex Elly, but kept it to a bare minimum because after all, in Carly's words, " it was over". Carly actually, showed me a picture of Elly and in my opinion, she was an attractive woman, dark hair, olive skin, lovely complexion, of I would say, a Spanish look, in actual fact she was Peutro Rican.

Carly enjoyed embroidery so much, she was a member of an embroidery group, where she made lots of things, to which some were as gifts to people.

Carly, from the day we made contact, right up to the end, did I say end, never, made sure where ever she was or who she was with, kept in touch with me, making sure, I was priority, she made me feel wanted and showed great interest in all I did, no matter how boring sometimes, I knew some things were to her. Things like the business, unknown trivial conversations with customers, places she knew nothing about etc, etc......

Carly always maintained her aspirations to be, in a happy relationship, to promote herself within the company, to make yet more millions of dollars, owning property, yes aspirations, this sounded so exciting, was I to be a part of her life, was I too going to share her success and help her to achieve all she had set out to accomplish. It was at the back of my mind to sell the business, invest my money and accumulate not millions but at least a modest return and live in New York, with Carly.

The last day had arrived and all was well, we woke up smiling and generally feeling good, although deep down I felt sad that Carly had to go home, I thought it's ok, we will see each other again, this time I will go to America and see her.

No sooner had we got up and had coffee, the doorbell rang, I laughed and said, "who is this, I'm in my dressing gown", Carly replied, "is it Becky", you know, I didn't even think it could be Becky, it couldn't be. I waited, then the doorbell went again, I then thought, oh it's the postman, he rings the bell if he has a large parcel. I went to the door and the bell went again, I shouted, "ok, I'm coming". I opened the door slightly and.......

It was Becky, I drained, my face a picture, before I could say anything, Carly sang, "stop, wait Mr postman, whey hey hey hey Mr postman", I drained some more and Becky pushed open the door and blasted past me, straight through to Carly in the back room. I frantically slammed the door shut, came running through, where I saw Becky just standing looking at Carly. Carly's face was a picture of shock, eyes wide open, literally, a movie moment.

I said, "Becky please, don't start anything please", "why are you here, you promised Becky, this is not fair", Becky turned to me and said, "Shar, I never promised and like I said, I wanted to meet Carly, just to see what she has that I don't", oh my, I was shaking from head to toe, panting furiously, trying hard to control myself and the potentially lethal situation this could be. I was angry and scared for Carly and I knew that I had to defuse Becky, before she lashed out at Carly, or even me.

I said, "Becky, look at me", she looked at me and slowly walked towards me, her eye's staring in to mine, "please Becky, will you leave, this is not the way, this is not going to solve anything, please Becky, this is between you & me, not Carly, she has done nothing wrong, please, I promise I will ring you tomorrow, please Becky".

Becky stood facing me, her eyes fixated on me, it was a deadly silence, Carly stood still and said nothing, I was hoping Carly would not move nor say a word, for a brief moment, it seemed Becky was calming down, I could see her eyes beginning to relax, her face not so stern or tight, I felt she was relaxing, I knew her, I could read her, I know in my heart, she would have left and uncontrollably, sobbed herself to sleep, I knew she would have walked away, then the moment I thought would never come...

It took two words, just two measly words, to inject the most lethal dose of female adrenalin and floor show, I am sure Carly had ever seen. The words were "Becky leave", not please, not Becky I go tomorrow, please leave and you won't see me again, not Becky I see your pain, not Becky I see your love for Shar, so tomorrow I will be gone, anything but Becky leave, why didn't she just say nothing, why couldn't she simply read the situation, why, why......

Becky slowly turned like the scene in "The Shinning", the quote "it's Becky"........she faced Carly and the worst part was, Carly squared up to her, she actually stood stiff, prepared for the charge of a bull, and said, "Becky you may scare Shar, but you don't scare me", "you are a bully, not a caring, romantic woman, you have drained Shar for all she has, you have beat her down, mentally and emotionally", "if you are the person, Shar says you can be, then why show this anger, this aggression, it is past the jealous, selfish stage with you, it is purely bullying now and you are not displaying a woman in despair and emotional turmoil, you are pushing the one person away, that right now has stood by you, even though, you were the one who broke her heart", "do you want her as a friend or do you want a life without her there at all, for gods sake grow up and if you want to fight, choose someone who doesn't give a dam, then you will really know where you stand".

Oh my life.....the room fell to a deafening silence, a room with three women in a triangle, drained and hearts beating out of each chest. No one moved a limb, it was a moment of waiting until the next woman, would be brave enough to speak or twitch that little finger, as to make sure, they were still alive.

Then came the moment I didn't expect, I wasn't prepared for this one at all. Becky turned to me and began to sob, her body shaking with the intake of breathe between her relentless crying. I didn't hesitate to put my arms around her, she needed some form of comfort, some reassurance that she wasn't alone, I felt so sad, so hurt inside, that she couldn't let her feelings go.

Carly immediately, poured Becky a drink, she handed it to Becky, not caring, the glass could have been thrown through the window or even in her face. Becky accepted the gesture and knocked it back in one, cringing at the alcohol bite and taking her breathe briefly, before the tears subsided.

Becky sat down and calmly said, "I will leave when Shar tells me to", Becky couldn't help herself, she always broke the olive branch given to her, she sometimes couldn't grasp the concept of diplomacy or empathy, it was always Becky's terms, Becky's way and if you chose your own way, it was a price to pay in love and war..

I replied, "Becky, I tried to defuse this and you chose not to listen, I do want you to leave please and you know what, I do care for you as my friend, you have taken every single ounce of respect I had for you and abused it, you have controlled my every move, my every word, you are a person who has needs, that I no longer can give you, in fact, you threw them away, when your so called cyber affair took over and you had no interest in me whatsoever, as soon as I have a romantic interest, you are doing everything in your power to destroy it all for me", "leave Becky, I have done more than enough for you, it is you, who has done all of this to yourself and we could have been true friends".

With this, Becky got up and walked to the door, with one last glance and said, "I love you". I couldn't even muster up a reply, she walked away and closed the door behind her.

I inhaled one huge gulp of air, held it, then exhaled slowly, my head was pounding, I slumped back on to the wall, wondering if this was the last I would see of Becky, or was this the calm before the storm. Actually, it was the last I saw of Becky for some time.

I walked back in to the lounge, where I saw Carly, sitting quietly and patient, looking at my every move, to see how I would react, to all of this. Well, I walked over to her and held her tight, we both knew inside, that Becky had taken every last drop of emotion she could have. This wasn't Carly's fault, ok some of those words were a tad insensitive, or were they really, after all, Becky was my ex, Carly was supporting me and for goodness sake, she had been through all of this with me, well heard it all and experienced, a small helping of Becky's intimidating side, the poor woman, was exhausted, with the whole lot.

We tried to enjoy the rest of the day, both of us covering the possibility of Becky's return, by laughing, joking and generally chatting about other topic's, we knew our day had been darkened by Becky, to which to this day, I still feel, that on the spur of the moment, she lost it and intended to, upset the last day of Carly's time she had with me. Do I blame Becky, yes I do, did I ask her over and over again to not "pop over", as she said, yes I did, but Becky once again, had her own ideas and pursued her last ace card, which worked a treat, didn't it.............

The day arrived, where Carly had to leave, a time of reflection for sure. I thought that once Carly had left, I wouldn't hear from her again and who would blame her, I couldn't even find any reason why she would return, yes I hoped our fun time together and the intimate moments we had shared, were enough, for Carly to return, for me to go to America, where Becky couldn't intrude or control our lives. The proof would be on Carly's return to America, where I would discover the true sincerity of Carly and her intentions towards our future.

Carly smiled many times during the journey to the airport and also spoke of her busy schedule when she arrived back in the US, I listened and took on board, that Carly was avoiding talking about Becky with a passion and I too, never mentioned Becky's name, I wasn't going to let Becky have the last call embedded in my mind, not before Carly was to leave me behind.

Carly walked towards the departures lounge, I sensed that she had a need to go, again I could understand her urgency to an extent, after all, she was leaving me behind, we had talked so much of my visit to America, down to the actual date. Perhaps she was as exhausted as I was, perhaps she didn't like flying, perhaps she was mindful of her busy work schedule or was it simply a case of the woman in every port, no don't be ridiculous, no one would spend money on two flights half way around the world, a hotel in London, no it couldn't be, we had shared so much together, I felt I had a new beginning with Carly that I wasn't going to let Becky, or anything else, stand in the way.

Carly stopped, turned to me and said, "Shar, we have had a great time, despite the upset from Becky, you know how I care for you and we will see each other again soon, ok", I smiled and said, "yes, we will see each other again, I can't wait for the next time, I will travel to America this time and you can show me the sights, I am going to miss you so much, thank you", Carly replied, "I will miss you too, my beautiful surprise". We held each other and I remember her perfume, it smelt of candy mixed with a subtle hint of fruits. Carly gently kissed me on the cheek and said, "I will always remember this time we had together, fondly, take care Shar, see ya". I replied, "see you soon".

Carly walked through the doors and turned, waved and disappeared, out of sight. That was it, she had gone, it felt so final, as though I had conjured up a make believe figure and like Cinderella, my time was up, all I had to remember her by, was her telephone number, there was nothing else, that would trace Carly ever again......

CHAPTER 5

A month had past and during this time, my contact with Carly was as they say, full on. We chatted on a regular basis, about her work, my business, home life, social events, our time together and of course my visit to America. I was so eager to set the date we had agreed in stone, I wanted Carly to feel the enthusiasm I felt in my voice and in my heart, which at this stage, Carly was pretty excited also, well her tone of voice, said she was. I genuinely didn't realise, that my dreams were to be shattered all over again, through my sheer stupidity and a heart on the sleeve disaster.

During the following few months, my relationship with Becky, surprisingly, became closer, I would say her personality, mellowed to say the least, Becky couldn't do enough for me, infarct, my business was thriving, through the hard work Becky and I gave to the survival of my lively hood, I was so grateful. For once in my life, I was feeling happy and content, I was able to live each day, without the fear of confrontation, I had a true friend in Becky at last, a thriving business, and Carly.

I never once thought, that the woman whom I respected, loved, treasured but also broke my heart in to small little pieces and destroyed what ever faith I had, in ever loving again, would one day sit me down and say, "Shar, marry me, accept this ring and marry me please", I began to cry, Becky cried, we sobbed to the extent, that we both realised how all of the past turmoil, had become a circus, a drama, a staged calculated mess, which began simply from a 15 inch computer screen, a documentary of life in a lesbians world. Becky still on her knees, holding my hands, me looking into her red watery eyes, I replied, "Becky, I'm sorry, I can't", her sobbing became uncontrollable , I too, sobbed, knowing how much it meant to Becky, that we could be together again, as it was before.

Becky had one last ace card, to put in front of me, one last crucial attempt, to get her woman back. Becky fought through the tears and said, "Shar, listen, marry me and I will make this work, I promise, not only can we marry, I have booked two tickets to your favourite destination, Hong Kong", I dropped to my knees, I couldn't believe Becky would go this far, to try and make all of the past disappear and start again, together, with a beautiful ring and a once in a lifetime honeymoon to a destination, I have always dreamt of.

My sobbing stopped, it simply stopped, it was like someone turning the tap off, the tears cleared, a rush of reality swept through my head, I sat back and said "no Becky, no, I can't, we can't go back, I need to go forward, I promised myself no more, we can't do this anymore, it has to stop".

Becky continued to cry, I could see the pain in her face and as much as I wanted to console her and say it will be alright, I couldn't, it wasn't right, that we both start a fresh together, it wasn't right, that we had both suffered for such a long time and managed to salvage, surprisingly, a friendship, which meant more to me, than the life we shared in such a volatile environment.

I sat and watched Becky cry so much, but I had to say to myself, over and over again, you can't go back, you must ensure Becky knows in her heart, we are over, finished, done.

I held Becky's hands, I looked at her, then slowly wiped the tears from her face, mindful, that she wouldn't misconstrue, my intentions, I simply cared so much for her and wanted her pain to go away. Becky, slowly got up from the floor, still with tears trickling down her face, she sat down next to me and said, "I tried, didn't I, I really tried and I would give and do anything to have you back", I put my head down and shook my head, as to say no Becky, I'm sorry.

We had been through so much together, it was so sad and heartbreaking, knowing that if all of this energy and love, was portrayed during our relationship, neither of us, would be where we are right now. I had never seen Becky so attentive or emotional and someone so hell bent on fighting for me, it was a relationship, I would never forget.

Becky left that day and went home, I held her tight before she left and whispered to her, "Becky I do love you but you and I can be friends, only if you let us be, just friends, I care for you but you must let us go now, we will speak soon, ok", with this, Becky replied, "I love you too, I always will, I'm sorry, so sorry for what I have done but I love you so much", I smiled as if to say, I know.

Becky and I did become great friends, yes there was the odd attempted pass from Becky, but instead of the situation being, nasty and emotional, we both managed to laugh it off and be just good platonic friends, I was so happy and so was Becky, we had reached the point perhaps where, I wanted to rush through, but it was the right timing all the way through, we still loved each other, yet we had realised, our common bond was friendship, something that certainly was missed, when we were in the relationship, a fundamental cog that got missed, where a certain virus, found our weakness and found a way to break us apart, but there was one thing that never got lost and this, was our love.

My relationship with Carly had taken a different turn, although I was in constant contact with her, chatting on the phone, sending emails and connecting to the online chat late at night, her tone of communication had changed, she came across slightly cold and dismissive of the time we spent together, along with all the effort of late night chatting and expensive phone calls. Carly would talk of work mainly, her depth of conversation was somewhat guarded, I couldn't laugh with her as much nor reminisce as such.

Our contact became less, well less from Carly but silly me, continued to contact Carly and she did accept my calls at work and chatted online but again her conversation became strained, as though we had never met. Ok, your thinking, wake up and smell the coffee, this woman has had what she wants, so stop now, well, I didn't stop, I honestly thought that maybe, work was stressful right now, perhaps her workload was demanding with more travelling, therefore, at this moment in time, she was unable to juggle all of this at one time.

So, I thought I would surprise her, yes, I was so excited, I booked a ticket to New York, it cost me an arm and a leg but hey, I wanted to see her again and perhaps, this is what Carly needs, a beautiful surprise and some fun again.

That night, I linked up with Carly on line, I was beside myself, you can imagine, the excitement I was feeling, knowing I was going to fly to New York, hold Carly again and have yet another, time of my life.

As my computer was connecting to online chat, I noticed how slow it was to link up, I became anxious and shouting in my head, oh please, not now, not tonight, speed up please. Thank the Lord, it was a gremlin, no, not a real gremlin of course, it was something that had got in to my computer and slowed it down, oh I'm rambling again, I was up and running, the anticipation was ready to explode, I just wanted so much to share the element of surprise with Carly and capture her initial reaction.

There was Carly, typing away, oh my lord, I was edging towards the keys to type back, I waited and kept the tone of chat, calm and matter of fact but then I had my window of opportunity, a chance to type, "Carly, I have something to tell you", Carly replied, "ok Shar but don't tell me you want to stop contacting me ?", why would Carly say this, it was quite the contrary, I replied, "no, don't be crazy, just the opposite actually", I paused and Carly didn't type a word, I then typed, "Carly, I have booked a plane ticket to New York for two weeks time, I'm coming to see you, I can't wait". I waited with baited breathe, for Carly's reply......I waited, for what seemed forever, nothing came back from Carly, perhaps her computer had gone down, perhaps she was interrupted and couldn't reply, I typed again, "Carly, what do you think, I'm coming to see you, are you happy ?". still there was no reply, the online chat disconnected. I was gutted, I frantically, tried over and over again to connect to Carly but I just couldn't get through to her.

My only way to get a direct link with her again, was to actually ring her, it was late here in the UK, but the US, was six hours behind and Carly was still at work, so all good.

I made the call, shaking still with excitement, needing to speak with Carly, to get an answer, as to how she felt about my visit. Carly picked up her phone and I was connected, I said, "Carly, its me, we got disconnected, sorry about that, did you get what I typed to you, I'm coming to see you in two weeks, what do you think", Carly must have taken one big breathe and replied, "Shar, you can't come over to see me, I'm sorry but it's not convenient right now", I replied, "hey, its no problem, I can change the ticket, to another date, which is best for you", Carly replied, "Shar, no its not convenient ok", oh my lord, this was not the reaction I was expecting, nor the tone of voice I was hearing, that I would ever hear. I tried again, "Carly, do you think you could check your busy schedule and come up with a date, that does work for you, I would be happy to check in a hotel central New York, then we could meet, when your not so busy", Carly replied, "are you not listening Shar, I have no free dates", I now heard a side to Carly, that was aggressive, a tone in her voice, which frankly, was not the Carly I knew. I replied, "Carly, what's wrong, I thought you would be happy, that I was coming to see you, I wanted to surprise you", Carly replied, "Shar listen, I don't want to upset you, but our time together has come to an end, you and I had fun and I will treasure it with great fondness", fondness, I thought, fondness, what the hell was she talking about, our time together, surely meant more than fondness. I tried again and said, "Carly, I don't understand, we have shared and done so much, our intimate times together, surely mean much more than a fondness", Carly replied, "look Shar, I have work to do and I'm sorry if this has come as a shock to you but in my life right now, I have no room for romantic involvement and although I do care for you, I am unable to give you what you want". with that Carly, simply hung up.

I was stunned, I slumped back into my chair, my mind racing with thoughts of, why, who, when, what if, I honestly couldn't believe the conversation we had just had, was I that stupid to not understand, Carly had casually said that's it, no more....

I had braced myself to surprise Carly, with a huge trip to New York, I had booked and paid for a flight and in the process, willing to book in to a hotel, as to lighten the burden of letting me stay with her, after all, she came to my home and stayed for free and something I didn't say at the time, I paid for the majority of our dining out, drinks, clubs, even gifts, surely my visit, would be, as she said, a beautiful surprise.

An hour passed and I hadn't moved out of the chair, still slummed and in total chaos inside. I didn't know what to do, I began to cry, tears slowly trickling down my cheeks, how stupid I had been, thinking that Carly and I could possibly have a great future together, how was I so gullible to believe, I had found someone who I thought, felt the same as I did, a woman who had, gone to so much effort, to reel me in, thinking that I was, the person she chose to be with.

It was such a sad waste of planning and precision, the excitement and anticipation, the many intimate and caring times, the fun, laughter, not forgetting precious money involved but most of all, the floor show in front of Becky, to protect me, like a proud peacock, standing her ground, when she asked Becky to leave. I sincerely don't understand.

With this in mind, I couldn't let this go without some explanation, I really cared for Carly, love is a deep word to use but I loved her for all we had done and the person she portrayed, when we were together, this was enough, to find out her reasons, Carly owed me that at least.

I made the telephone call to Carly at work, it rang for sometime, but anxiously, I heard Carly's voice, it was her voice mail, her soft alluring tone, made me smile, I had the connection again, you know that feeling, when you are struggling to understand this persons final words and any small glimmer of hope, that your able to hold on to, jolts you in to their world all over again, the words spoken before, you forget and hope a reconciliation will put things right again. Well this was my chance to do just this, I left the message saying, "hi Carly, please call me, I don't want to upset your busy work schedule, but please call me, I really do need to talk to you, please Carly, call me".

With this, I waited, waited, waited and waited, in fact, I waited all day, mindful that her working day was coming to an end.

I had tried to keep myself busy all day with the mundane chores of a busy business, I needed to do, but none of them seemed important. Becky had called me several times but I didn't answer, in fear I suppose, that she would be elated and gloating at the fact, Carly had severed contact with me and we were going nowhere, I couldn't face, the embarrassment nor third degree from Becky, so I chose to ignore her calls. It wasn't long though, before my doorbell rang and sure enough, it was Becky, how could I have not guessed that my knight in shining armour would come to the rescue.

I opened the door and Becky knew from my face, that something was not right, she held her arms out and hugged me, you know, our friendship was a bond not to be reckoned with, we were so deeply plutonically connected, it was a god send. Becky knew, straight away, that Carly was the fundamental reason, I was so down, her perception of me was second to none, she understood straight away more or less, what the situation was, before I had time to tell her. Becky had reached a point in her life, where she had come to terms with us and was able to see clearer and deal appropriately with life, it was for me an endearing quality of Becky, that I had not seen in a very long time.

We sat down with a mug of tea, I began to tell her what Carly had said, still mindful of the time passing and still no telephone call from Carly. Becky listened attentively and I was expecting the usual Becky, smug and I told you so, but just the opposite, she really was understanding, so much so, she began to lay out a plan of action. Becky could see and hear, that I was smitten with Carly and although her struggle to come to terms with our break up was traumatic for her, to say the least, she was prepared to help me, pursue Carly and genuinely assist in getting Carly and I back on track again.

I explained to Becky, that Carly's day was nearly over and still no contact from her, so Becky said, "ring her mobile phone", with time running out, I grabbed my phone and dialled Carly's number. It began to ring, I waited anxiously, until Carly said, "hello Carly Martinez, can I help you", it was Carly and I replied, "Carly, it's Shar, please don't put the phone down, please listen, I know you are leaving work soon, please spare me a few minutes". Carly didn't hang up the phone, she said, "ok Shar, I'm listening". Carly's tone sounded official and cold but I had to have some answers, I had to try and work out, why she had been so angry and set against my visit. I replied, "Carly, what is wrong, I thought you would be happy I was coming to see you, is work stressful right now, has something happened that you are unable to arrange anything right now, like I said, I can re-arrange the flight, it's not a problem", with this, Carly replied, "Shar, our time together was great and we had so much fun but for you to come here is not an option, my life is in the US and we could never be what you think it could", I tried again by saying, "Carly, I don't expect anything from you, all I want is for us, to have more fun and get to each other more and because you made so much effort to be with me, I thought it was my turn to surprise you", Carly replied, "Shar, I'm sorry, but our time together has come to an end and like I said, I am unable to give you what you want, also my life here in the US, won't fit in with a relationship right now, especially long distance, I can't make it any clearer to you". I couldn't believe it, I was not hearing the same woman, the same woman whom I had spent time with and shared, what most would consider, deep meaningful emotions, well to me it was, I could only reply with, "are you really sure Carly, we have shared so much and right now, I am finding it hard to believe, that you want to let it go and none of our time spent, meant anything, simply fun and nothing more", my voice became child like, as to hope that Carly would sense my deflation and wanting, waiting for her to change her mind and perhaps turn the conversation around and realise, what she was letting go.

Carly finally replied, "Shar, I'm sorry, I have to go, please don't ring me again, just put this down to a great time we had together and you will look back at this, with fondness, bye Shar", with this she hung up. Becky could see in my face, I was gutted, also, I felt such a fool, a fool to think that a romance, could have ever developed from this, a fool to expect and dream, that I would once again, find happiness.

I began to cry, dropping my head in disbelief, strangely not because of Carly no longer wanting to see me, but because I had foolishly believed another woman, would be interested in me and to encourage such passion and hope, that we could be together.

It was Becky this time, who came to the rescue, she consoled me as you would with any friend but she did more than this, she took time to restore my faith.

That day, Becky stayed with me, we drank tea, talked about Carly and I at some length and Becky listened to me, yes Becky listened, for once in a long time, Becky stopped her rail road chatter and became the attentive philosopher, a person who saw reason and placed events in boxes, dissected reasoning and tried her best to generally make me feel a better person. I was so happy she was there with me, a friend, a support, a genuine person, I could rely on to get me through my stupidity.

A week went by and Becky and I kept in touch by phone, text and visits for catch up chats, I still hadn't heard from Carly and I too, vowed not to contact her. It was a Saturday and I was sitting having a cup of tea, when my mind began to revisit all the time Carly and I spent together, the intimate times, fun times, cultural times, conversations we shared, the laughs, the internet chat, phone chats, coming to my home, the way she looked, how we both interacted with each other and most of all, how she made me feel, what I mean is, how she really made me feel. I stopped the super fast racy thoughts, just for a moment and my mind arrived at one significant thing, which simply didn't add up at all.

I mentioned briefly that it cost an arm and a leg in London, but didn't tell you to what extent. Whilst in London, I being me, paid for the majority of our dining out, show, gifts, drinks and general everyday expenditure, which at the time, I was happy to do, goodness knows why I did this, well I do, it's that impressing mode you get dragged into and the fact, I was genuinely wanting to come across as a giving, kind person, which I was, in addition, when Carly came to my home, again, I paid for food, drinks, dining out and again, general everyday spend, needed to fuel Carly's stay, I don't want to say Carly paid for nothing she did, but it certainly didn't indicate her so called wealth, she had told me about. This was the most significant tell tale moment I had, at the time, I didn't even think about it, I was genuinely drawn in and realised, I had been taken not only as a fool but a person, who was so gullible, that during all of this time, right up until this very day, Carly had no intention of going any further with our relationship, she got out as quick as she entered in.

With this thought and only thought, I needed answers, real answers, I know again you may think, just let it go, well rid of her, but deep down, I really cared for her and as crazy as it may sound, I thought Carly would tell me the truth and separate truth from illusions of grandeur.

This very day, I decided to pursue my anxiety, to have closure, on what seemed to be a foolish path to take, yet a hope that some of this could be repaired in my head and heart, so that I could just maybe, retrieve, at least some dignity, to end this chapter in my life, where lies and deceit became the fundamental structure of this stop gap of an affair.

Solely, without the moral support of Becky, I picked the phone and dialled the US, yes Carly, I knew she would be at home, well one of her homes, so I rang her, I took a deep breathe in preparation of her answering, but she didn't answer, it went to voice mail. Was this a sign, that I was to stop this futile mission, to solve a truth, with what purpose, well simply, to gain some peace of mind, that I wasn't as stupid as I had portrayed, it was for me, like I said something I had to prove, so that I could restore, some form of belief in myself, that another woman, couldn't walk away and continue to do this to others.

I made the call again, waiting for the voice of Carly and to my surprise, Carly answered, "hello", I replied, "hi Carly, it's Shar", she paused and she too took a deep breathe and replied, "Shar, I am so happy you called, I have missed you so much", I went in to a spin, a literal internal head spin, I couldn't believe what Carly had just said, once again, my stupidity, went sky high, I replied, "do you really mean it, you have missed me, what has changed", Carly could tell by the reaction in my voice, that I was ecstatic to hear those words and once again, Carly had mastered the art of impact. Carly replied, "I have done a lot of thinking and I have missed you and this has made me realise, that we have shared so much and I feel we are pretty good together". I couldn't get my head around her 360 degree turn, it was a different Carly, to the one I had only a few weeks back, had destroyed my faith in romance and truth. I replied, "so are we going to try again, you want us", Carly replied, "yes, I would like to continue our relationship, I want us to have fun and build on that", fun, that word again was so poignant to me, I replied, "Carly, what do you mean by fun", she replied, "you know, fun together, spend time together, share the passion that 2 women do, we were good together, weren't we Shar", it began to sound so good at the beginning, but Carly once again didn't fail to turn this in to an act of unimportant flippancy. Perhaps, I was too serious, perhaps my kind of fun was, sharing time together, going places, travelling, making love not having sex, but for me, these were my needs and I could feel, that Carly had her own way of sharing within a relationship and this certainly would be a test for both of us. Why was I even entertaining the thought of accepting Carly's words, her outlook on our future, why did I even call her, well I know why, but is this really what I want, or was I hoping that I could model Carly in to believing another way of having a truthful, honest and meaningful relationship, which let's face it, I have failed to have up to now.

Carly then said, "Shar, look let's stay in contact, then arrange your visit to the US soon, what do you think", again stunned at the new Carly, I replied, "that's great, when do you think, I can book a flight, of course, when it is good for you", she replied, "hey, slow down, I'm excited too, but let's talk some more, for a while, then you can look at booking your flight", I replied, "ok, I understand, your right, I am excited", we both laughed at my silly repeated girl like, giggle and in many ways, a sign, I had lost the plot, once again.

We chatted for a further 30 minutes or so, as though it had never happened and I fell hook, line and sinker, all over again.

We said our goodbye's and I rang Becky, straight away.

Becky talked with me for some time and she was cautious, to say the least, she wasn't convinced, that Carly's intentions were genuine and although I had this niggling feeling deep down, I still wanted to pursue this relationship and prove to myself and Becky, it was the right one.

Time passed, in fact it was around May time, and Carly and I continued our chats, emails, along with plans of my visit, all seemed to be promising, until this very day, where Carly suddenly stopped chatting, no phone calls, no emails, nothing, I tried desperately to contact her, at work, but her answer machine was always kicking in, I emailed her, I phoned her mobile phone and that too, went straight to answering machine. I was blocked from every angle possible, in contacting Carly. I knew that I was completely cut off from Carly and my worst fears came flooding towards me and I had no way of getting to Carly. I had one last throw of the dice, an ace card, which I really didn't want to use and that was Carly's mum, yes Carly had given me the number to her mum's, in case I couldn't get hold of her for any reason, I didn't know at this stage, whether it was a false number but I was once again, faced with desperation to hear Carly's voice. Why the hell didn't I just let it go, why was I pursuing Carly, over and over again, when I really knew now, that I had been used and made to look a complete fool, all over again.

I was alone and although I was tempted to call Becky, I needed to find out myself, why again, Carly had completely blocked me out.

I dialled the number of Carly's mum, it rang out, my heart was racing, my head ready to explode, with the anticipation of there even being an answer, but then a voice said, "hello", I replied, "hello, it's Shar, could I speak to Carly please", the voice replied, "sure, hang on", it went quiet, so quiet I thought the phone had gone dead, but I held on, then a voice said, "hi Shar, so you still had my mum's number", I replied, "I'm so sorry but I had to call you, forgive me", Carly replied, "it's ok, I thought you might", again I asked the same questions, as I did the first time Carly abruptly ended our relationship, "Carly, why have you not been in touch, why have you blocked my calls, what's wrong", this time, I certainly wasn't expecting this response, it was a tone of voice, I had never heard from Carly, a tone which without a doubt in my mind, made me realise, I would never see Carly again, it was a tone so loud, so angry, so final, it was for sure the end to me, a person I didn't want any future with, nor spend anymore time, effort or money pursuing. Carly said "Shar, just leave me alone, don't ring here or anywhere else for that matter, don't contact me, enough for Gods sake, don't you understand, I don't want to speak to you anymore, leave me alone", with this, she hung up.

I placed the phone receiver down slowly, forgetting briefly to breathe, a quick intake of breathe, shocked me in to realising so many things.

I was pursuing no purpose, no future and certainly no genuine relationship, I was simply a girl in one of the ports. I had invested so much of my time, effort and deep emotion in to Carly and all of this was futile.

What a complete fool I had been, believing that one day, we would be together, absorbing her every word, empathizing with her life and stupidly, placing my heart on my sleeve, to a woman, who had no concept of real love or compassion, towards me. We experienced deep intimacy, shoulders to cry on, aspirations, even future investment to create yet a stronger empire of property and the most heart wrenching of it all, Carly had shared the deep intimate details of my ex, Becky, which I now feel gutted about, this was something so special and delicate, that I trusted in Carly, I honestly believed, that I could trust Carly to genuinely hold this situation guarded and protected from anyone else, but I felt all that I told Carly, was simply unimportant and meant absolutely nothing. I couldn't believe, I had been so trusting, so bloody stupid, in inviting another person in to my life, who simply had no interest or respect of another, Carly was a person, who blagged her way through life, a person whom used another for self gain and gratification.

Carly, had reeled me in, at my most vulnerable, being aware of this, she continued to pull me in and once her fun was over for her, she dropped the net and let me go, amongst all the other suffering women, whom she left to pick up the pieces of the debris, she caused. I am to blame also, I was an adult, I take the responsibility, for allowing her in to my life, especially at a time, where emotions were running high, but then, I needed a release, something to lift me and take me away from the ongoing torment and hurt, I was experiencing, but now I know, this certainly wasn't the right way.

During the next month, I channelled my thoughts and feelings in to my business, it wasn't easy and through the trusted help of my ex partner, Becky, whom I treasure dearly as my friend, I got through. The business was steady, it could have been thriving, but my efforts were somewhat half hearted, I was loosing the drive I used to have, although it was my living, I knew, it was only time before I would have to sell, whilst business was good, in order to get a good price. I planned a sale of property, juggling the figures, so that I was aware of my expected sale price, I had the accounts prepared and had everything in order, I also, began to sell some of my furniture and down size on general stuff I had, in readiness for the sale, making sure, I could continue to run the business at it's full, with my trusted friend, Becky.

CHAPTER 6

Please, don't be mad, but unexpectedly, my life changed, yet again, to the extent that it was a million to one chance, that this situation could ever happen, to anyone, including me. You may smile and think, here she goes again and yes it could only happen to me, well........

It was a Monday morning, nothing special planned, a normal every day, week day, yes a wonderful boring Monday, where I was, sitting down with a cuppa quietly and enjoying sheer simplicity.

When the phone rang, I thought, blimee that's early, it must be Becky, she's fell out of bed maybe.......not..........

I picked up the phone and this following telephone conversation, would change a part of my life, in more ways than I bargained for, it was a phone call which would restore at least some faith, I thought, in human nature, a voice that would clear all future deception and clarify all reasoning of the past.

I said, "hello", then a soft and somewhat tentative American voice replied, "hi Shar, my name is Elly, please don't put the phone down, please listen, I don't want to upset you, honestly I don't, but please will you listen, as I hope we can both share something, which will in time, mend our hearts", with this I slumped back in to my chair, once again, that feeling of sinking in to shock and a day which I thought was so ordinary, in fact, was turning in to an extraordinary day.

I replied, "ok, I won't put the phone down, I will listen, I don't know you but I'm sure, I will real soon", I laughed nervously, in hope, I could get through this and also, portray to Elly, I was a kind and rational person.

Elly began to talk, so much so, her words were soft yet sad, so sad, that I realised the reason for her call, she spoke about Carly. The more she spoke, the more, I absorbed the extent of Carly's actions and the purpose of Elly's phone call.

That morning in America, Elly explained, that the mobile she was using, was not hers but Carly's, they actually had the same mobile phone and in a frenzied rush to get to work, Carly had picked up the wrong phone and had taken Elly's by mistake. Elly continued to tell me, that she had her suspicions about Carly, especially the amount of time Carly spent overseas, apparently with work, she too, Elly that is, continued to believe Carly and thought nothing of it, until today, when for the first time, Carly took the wrong phone and only by chance, Elly went to use her phone, that the amount of numbers in alphabetical order, all with small markers at the side of them, numbers Elly had never seen before.

Why did Elly choose mine to ring, well I'll tell you. Although my number was alphabetically way down the list as, S, my marker was the most recent call and Carly had failed to delete her past call history, which in most cases, people ignore the call history, with it being an obscure facility, not regularly used, well not when you think you are in an honest and trusting relationship of course, Elly delved some more and sure enough, my number was used so much, incoming and outgoing, this led Elly, to try and solve some unanswered questions.

Elly explained, that she had rang so early, as she didn't want Carly to ring me, before she could get the truth from me, Elly honestly hoped and prayed, that the call she made to me, was purely a business associate and that Elly had nothing to worry about at all, Elly's hope's were proved to be wrong.

I felt so sad, I wanted to reach out ad hold Elly, knowing that her pain was so apparent in her voice, I could only listen and reply.

You know, we spoke for about three hours and in that time, I felt closer to Elly, than I ever did with Carly.

Elly told me that they had both been together for thirteen years, that they did live in New York but in a trailer, translated for us Brits, a caravan, Carly had no property at all, in fact it was purely a dream and Elly said, on Carly's salary, it would never happen, Elly went on to say, that Carly did work for an international company as a support administrator, her business trips took her to Texas, Hong Kong, Florida and of course most recent, 2 trips to the UK. The trips were not business, as her position, would not warrant her extravagant global visits, they were purely pleasure, also she paid for the trips on her credit card, which Elly pointed out, she could not afford.

Elly spoke of their relationship at length but with caution, after all she didn't know me and I felt at least, Elly had more respect and protection of her relationship with Carly, than Carly did.

Our conversation was coming to an end, not that either of us seemed to want the chat to end, but we understood, this was a painful phone call to be made and the opening of a can of worms, which were to change a part of our lives, more so for Elly, who now had the heart wrenching task of ending the relationship.

I told Elly, that I was an honest person and meant no malis in telling her the truth, as I felt Elly needed to know and it seemed, that I wasn't the only woman, Carly had conquered in her quest, to deceive.

We both said "good bye" and it felt we had shared a truthful conversation, an open but slightly guarded subject, where I had so much respect for Elly, especially being on the receiving end of so many lies from Carly.

We edged carefully, towards dropping hints of future chats, which at the time, probably was not a good idea, considering the delicate issues, we both had encountered but never the less, we did arrange to speak again, we laughed and agreed, that we should buy the international calling cards, as these would be a cheaper option, if we were to keep in touch.

It felt like neither of us wanted to put the phone down, in such a short space of time, we had covered so many issues and developed a common bond, where the two of us, even though deeply hurt and betrayed, we could possibly salvage a real honest friendship.

I came off the phone from Elly and I was unaware, how significant her phone call was and the impact it would have on the next stages in my life. I was somewhat excited, mindful of the deceit of Carly and the connection Elly had with her but I honestly had no doubts in my mind, that Elly was a genuine and honest person, whom like me, had suffered the brunt end of betrayal and lies from the same woman.

That day, I had to have closure on a situation that had consumed months of my life, which included so much insincerity, yet happiness, yes happiness, I felt that although, Carly had drawn me in to her make believe world, at the time, it felt so real and I was crazy enough to allow it to happen, yet perhaps, sub consciously, I knew it was and chose not to deal with it and took my heart too far, too soon. I did begin to question myself for the first time, I know doubts had confronted me before, but knowing what I knew now, was a clear indication, that I had been as much to blame for letting Carly in to my life with open arms, where I should have slowed it down, but what I was not to be blamed for, was her lies and betrayal to me and Elly.

I waited until the time difference in the US was right, knowing Carly would be at work. I picked up the phone and called Carly, fully aware of what I was going to say and finalise an episode in my life, where Carly had no choice but to admit her failings and sort out her relationship with Elly.

Carly answered her phone, as chirpy as could be, she must have had a good nights sleep, totally oblivious, it seemed, that Elly or myself, had blown her secretive world wide open. I said, "hi Carly, how are you", she replied, "hi Shar, I'm good and you", I paused and said, "perhaps your day is about to take a turn and your jolly self is about to become your worst nightmare", Carly paused and replied, "hey Shar, what's wrong, are you ok", I replied, "actually, I am ok now and I now understand how foolish I have been, to believe you", Carly replied, "hey Shar, your not making sense", I replied, "you know what Carly, I believed in you, we shared fun times, lengthy chats, intimate moments, in fact you took away nearly a year of my life, with not a care in the world, knowing how I felt about you, Carly stopped me and said, "hey Shar, what's wrong, where has all this come from, of course, we had good times, we had great times", I replied, "yes that's the problem but you should have had those times with Elly", Carly went quiet and I thought she was going to put the phone down but she didn't, instead she replied, "Shar, you know Elly and I were over along time ago, that's the truth", I knew then her lies would never stop, she continued to deny her relationship with Elly and I must admit, for a split second, I thought, oh my God, is Elly telling the truth, perhaps they have split up and Elly can't let go but to clear my split second doubt, I went with one last shot, "Carly are you still there", she replied, "yes Shar I am but I am at work and I have to go soon", I replied, "Carly, do me a favour, do you have your cell phone with you", she replied, "yeah sure, it's right here", at that moment, Carly went quiet, I sensed that Carly had realised the cell phone she had in front of her, actually was Elly's, I said, "Carly are you looking at Elly's cell phone and not yours", Carly exhaled down the phone, her time of scripted lies, had come to an end. Carly began to speak, "Shar how did you find out", I replied, "how did I find out, well let me say this to you, I believed you whilst we were together, I took on board, that your relationship with Elly, was over, I knew that both of us, or should I say, I know my relationship was over, as I was telling the truth but you couldn't even, throughout your tall story's and continuous facade, tell me, that your relationship with Elly, was still ongoing, you led me to believe, that your 13 year relationship had ended 6 months prior, when the real truth was, you were still with Elly, yes Carly, I have been speaking to Elly, she rang me and the reason she made contact with me, is because she has your cell phone, with my name in it and you have Elly's", Carly never said a word throughout my explanation and words seemed to have disappeared from her vocabulary, she replied, "Shar, I'm so sorry, I never thought you would have ever found out, in my defense", in her defence, she had no defence, I had no doubt in my mind, that her business trips were of many and her lies, literally all over the world, followed her where ever she went, she continued to speak, "Elly and I have had problems for a few years now and although we still live together, our relationship has been over for along time", with this I replied, "Carly, I think it is suffice to say, you have some explaining to do with Elly, I on the other hand have been foolish, you are certainly not the person I thought you were, I knew when you were freaking out, when I said I would come and see you, but you know what, I let that go, even though, I was sad and feeling abandoned, you are in my eyes, a fraud, a woman with huge issues and no respect for others nor yourself, I feel sorry for Elly", with this, Carly replied, "Shar, I'm sorry but you don't understand", I stopped Carly and said, "Carly, I really do understand and even if you have many more lame excuses and reasons, I'm not interested, the one fundamental rule above all others is, don't cheat, goodbye Carly and please, if you have any conscience, do the right thing with Elly", with this I put the phone down.

I honestly believed that Carly would ring back but she didn't. I felt stunned to think that all I had gone through, that another was suffering too, at the hands of Carly, who continued to destroy and grind down two women, who really felt so

deeply for her, for reasons Carly created, in order for self gain.

Carly now, was in a position to claw her way back in to Elly's heart and I am hoping that Elly, may forgive Carly, for her foolish and calculated lies, she had portrayed, for such a long time. I really couldn't trust Carly again, I personally, couldn't forgive Carly, the trust and faith would have diminished, leaving a path for me to move on, but that is me, not Elly, who now, has to anxiously await Carly's somewhat feeble advances, to pull back and clear up the carnage she has left behind.

It was only the following day, when my phone rang, where I was delighted to hear this soft but somewhat sad and disappointed voice of Elly.

I was so happy to hear her voice, but I was also mindful of the hurt and heartbreak, she must be feeling right now, so I attentively said, "hi Elly, how are you feeling today ?", Elly replied, "I have to say Shar, I am exhausted, empty and totally washed out", I replied, "I can only imagine and being so far away from you, I can't even console you", Elly replied, "you already are, your voice is a comfort and I thank you for even picking up the phone and taking the time to even be involved in this mess, thank you", Elly sounded so thankful, so humble, I too felt privileged, that Elly was even speaking to me, considering, I was the other woman, the woman whom had been a part of the shocking revelations, that was a total mystery to her and in fact, I was a woman, she didn't know nor had seen, yet we seemed to come together and created a warm and civil bond.

Elly began to cry, I said, "Elly I'm so sorry, I feel your pain and heartache, I'm sorry you had to go through this and clearly you need a friend right now, do you have a close friend or friends you can call, is your family close enough to be with you, my sister is my friend, I mean in my family", I laughed nervously, "my mum is my friend too, I'm careful in what I do say to mum of course", I quietly laughed again, "but my mum is a great person, who always knows best, mind you don't all mothers", I nervously laughed again.

Elly replied, "Shar, thank you", I replied, "what for, you don't have to thank me", Elly replied, "for being on the other end of the phone, you have not disregarded me, you have shown compassion and I have felt you are a person who sincerely cares for others, this for me is enough to thank you".

I sighed and said, "Elly, if there was no huge pond in between us and although we don't really know each other, I would be at your side, like any other friend would be, I do understand you still have a lot to sort out and basically, your heart needs to repair and that could be some time, I will be here for you, when you need to talk, laugh, cry, or even be silent, at least I won't feel so helpless, with a damsel in distress", Elly then laughed, yipee, she laughed, I made her laugh, even though I knew it was part of the process, you laugh, cry then get even and so on, basically, Elly was to experience like all others, the heartbreaking road of a break up.

Elly became a little more up beat, she started to sound calmer with a hint of happiness. I knew this was temporary but stayed with her mood, which did change throughout our conversation, where the content, was purely about Carly, some I already knew, some I was not surprised about and the rest, predictable.

After a long and captivating exchange of endearing chat, our phone call had to end, 2 hours 20 minutes, passed so quickly and Elly's phone card, had taken a hammering, to say the least. Elly said again, "thank you Shar, your ability to listen and allowing me to feel human again, restores some hope, that I will get through this and prepare a life, free from deceit and lies, thank you", there Elly goes again, thank you, I hadn't done anything, well in fact I had, I was, in effect the other woman, well one of and I was being thanked from the woman, who had just had her heart torn apart, but I had to remember, that I too, had no idea of the scale and lengths, Carly had gone to, in planning this fully blown ego trip, which as in many cases, came back to bite her in the bum, as well as, creating such pain in her wake.

I replied, "Elly, I am happy and humbled you feel this way, this situation is certainly the most civil connection, I have ever come across, I truly had no intention of hurting you or anyone else, I sincerely hope you can get through this and I offer my friendship at a distance, where if I can help you, I will", Elly replied, "I won't say thank you again, ok," Elly laughed, "I will simply say, can I call you again soon", I replied, "yes ofcousre, I would be happy to speak with you", with this, we said our goodbye's and we put the phone down.

I sat on the edge of the chair and exhaled a huge sigh, I did feel helpless but also happy, that out of this crazy and bizarre situation, I was a friend of Carly's girlfriend, well ex girlfriend, I couldn't predict the outcome, but if they did get back together, I knew at this point, I had done enough and I would walk away, whatever their decision may be, they could both move on without the past.

I thought long and hard, yet again, to try and defragment this whole mess Carly had produced, it wasn't the fact I couldn't believe it, it was deeper than that, although I wasn't the only casualty, it seemed as though, I was the one picking up the pieces, making sure everyone else involved, was ok and lending emotional support to them and endeavouring to paint a clearer picture for somehow, in hope, they could begin to process all this, where they could perhaps find some way of moving on, from the mess Carly had cunningly manufactured.

The word blame is used so freely and easily, especially when things go wrong, there is always someone or something to blame, yet, it is a simple case of bad judgment or choice, that we tend to forget, played the major factor, which determined a bad or good call. So for me now, there was no blame or pointing fingers, it was a simple choice made, which was right now, certainly a bad one.

The lies and deceit were however, yet another carefully calculated choice that Carly made, when knowingly, she knew all the words and actions were wrong and ran the risk of being found out. A gamble Carly took, at the expense of others in her life, this was unacceptable to say the least.

Carly's fate was in the hands of Elly and for me, I was thankful, I didn't have to make that choice.

However, the choice I had to make, was to stop the train wreck of a love life, I seemed to be creating. Perhaps I wear my heart on my sleeve, maybe I believe in people too much, or is it simply my faith in happiness with another, is too high of an expectation.

CHAPTER 7

I had made a conscious effort to re-think my life and tried hard to tell myself, that although, the feelings I had of, sadness, loneliness and foolishness, but to name a few, I was going to sort my life out and try so hard to establish me again, who was me ? I simply wanted to be happy and share a common bond with another, not to rush in at the drop of a hat and make yet another huge error of judgment, to only end up a sad and shattered wreck.

It was a day or two until I received a phone call from Elly and to be honest, I didn't expect to hear from her for a while, until she had sorted out her feelings and most of all, whether her relationship with Carly could be repaired.

Elly explained, that she had listened to Carly and although she loved her, their relationship was over and had asked Carly to leave, as she had been hurt once too many times and it was time to move on in the best way she could.

Once again, I offered a shoulder to cry on, I couldn't do anymore than this, I was too far away and really, I too needed to process the past events and approach the future with caution, staying focused on what I wanted and needed to begin an honest and true life, with or without anyone else.

Elly and I continued to chat on the phone for about, I would say 5 months, clocking up the international phone cards and becoming sincere friends, talking at length of our lives, loves and general everyday schedules, we also chatted about our families and values, dislikes and likes, in fact everything under the sun including putting the world to right, we enjoyed each others company, if you could call it that, the pond as they say, was a bloody great ocean, yet still created a sense of being in each others lives, as though we were sitting next to each other.

Elly always called me about the same time, more or less everyday, Elly said, she would rush from work, grab her coat off, get a drink and wait until the clock reached the time to ring me, you know that time difference thing of five hours. I too watched the clock in anticipation of her phone call, for me it was 11pm, for Elly it was 6pm, this meant my nights were long and late, knowing that I had a business to run, yet it didn't seem to concern me at the time, I was, dare I say it, addicted to Elly's conversations, I too felt drawn and needing this friend, who had gone through the deceit I had, I was allowing myself to be distracted once again by a seemingly lovely woman, it felt different, genuine, trusting, calm, open and compassionate. I realised that 5 months down the line, I had found a woman, who was sounding at last, a person I would be friends with, someone I felt had no hidden agenda's or calculated plans, simply a woman whom right now, I began to trust and wanted to meet.

At this stage, we had exchanged photo's, after all, I needed to see the face behind the voice and sure enough I can say, Elly was beautiful, long dark hair, smooth dark skin, a smile to light up anybody's day and eye's to die for, she was simply beautiful.

I must admit, I struggled to get a decent photo to send to Elly of me, as I am not a photogenic subject and of course I wanted to send the best one, which was the best, none really but hey, I sent one anyway, which in the end was ok, at least I was smiling. Elly's reaction to my photo was the same, so she said, beautiful and kind. Yes she was right, lol.........

Elly said she was going to send me a final package over to the UK for me, I questioned, "why a final one", Elly replied, "don't worry, you will know why it's the final one". I was intrigued to say the least and even though I questioned her in a girly immature way, Elly was giving nothing away, she laughed too, loving every minute of my girl like pleading but it didn't work, Elly gave nothing away.

During the time Elly and I continued talking, I mentioned the package all the time, yet still she remained silent about it, I gave up, yes I gave up, I simply had to wait and that was one of the hardest things to do, when deep down inside, I had this feeling, it was a package which became, in the end, another beginning in my life, where this time, I had my eye's wide open and my heart destined to be somewhere else, I suppose you call it, a woman's intuition.

It was around five days later, that the postman rang the bell, I sprinted to the door and sure enough, in front of me, was a package from the USA, the postman must have thought, I was a woman possessed, grabbing the package, signing for it in a doctors scribble, oops, I mean illegible hand writing, I mean, oh you know what I mean, I shut the door and slowly walked back to the lounge, yes slowly and holding the contents, close to my chest, as though Elly was actually holding me, oh had I got it bad, AGAIN, am I destined to be happy, am I counting on this to be what I thought it would be, what I mean is, was this package going to reaffirm my thoughts and woman's intuition, that deep down, I was going to be with Elly very soon.

I opened the package, wrapped securely, so secure, I was frustrated that it was taking forever to get in to it, I know, really it was me being impatient, wanting so much to see the contents of Elly's secret.

It began to unravel, first was a cd, then another cd, then another and yet another, with a small pretty card, saying "to Shar, I thought you would enjoy some music, that I like too, I wish you were hear with me, even though you shouldn't", "love your friend Elly".

I was somewhat confused, deflated and sad, that she had kept this from me as a surprise, my anticipation was in vein and it was clear to see, that Elly was seeing us as purely platonic friends and I on the other hand, was being the foolish old idiot, thinking this was so much more, what the hell was I thinking, why am I putting myself through this, Elly doesn't feel this, for god's sake get a grip Shar.

I reluctantly, as a stubborn spoilt child, unlike me, put the first cd on, Norah Jones, I had never heard of her but I gave it a try, mmmmm not a riveting cd but I felt loyal and grateful so I played it. The next two cd's were other artists, which I had never heard of but again I played them out of gratitude.

There was one cd left, Deborah Cox whom I had heard of in the dance clubs, she had a few hits in the UK, not your romantic artist, she was in fact a dance club singer, which I really liked but right now, I was not in the mood for dance music. I put the cd's next to me and sat quietly, thinking, why, wondering what relevance the cd's were, I couldn't let on to Elly how I was really feeling, or could I. I had waited five days for this package and Elly had even said, this will be the final package I will send you, I was totally puzzled, I had to be honest with Elly, when we next spoke, I had to ask, why would she send me music ??????

That day, I wondered aimlessly around my house, I managed to get some things done but it was eating away at me, I was trying so hard to be positive, I tried to kick myself in to touch, constantly saying over and over in my mind, grow up, Elly is your friend, she is kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate and most of all a loving person, who has shown you true friendship, this is precious, wake up and embrace her loving friendship.

Oh my, oh how all that sounded like a crock of s@!!...., I was actually, fighting against falling for Elly, I was yet again besotted with her, I found in Elly, what I was hoping to be a genuine and honest future and right now, I was blowing it all out of perspective.

I went in to the lounge, grabbed the Deborah Cox cd, I fought to get the case open, I needed some loud club music on, to get me out of this hole I had created for myself, I needed to get a grip and be grateful for such a lovely friend and continue to have stability in my life without any complication.

As I managed to open the cd case, out sprung a piece of paper, small wrapped tightly together, this started my heart racing, I folded it back, it was Elly's writing, it said "Shar, play track 7, it will explain everything, Elly X"

You can imagine, for a few seconds I froze, my heart racing so fast, I forgot to exhale.

I fumbled stupidly to get the cd in the player, I flicked the switch, frantically pressing the button on the remote control to reach track 7, then it played. It was a long unusual dance intro but then the lyrics began...

"nobody is supposed to be here", "on a search to find"

"my heart says no, no, nobody supposed to be here" "but when I turn around" "love has knocked me down",

At that moment, I felt a surge of happiness, a sense of well being and celebration, I turned the cd louder, the neighbours must have thought, a party had begun and in fact it had.

I knew I was not imagining anymore, that our relationship was clearly deeper than I anticipated, well I had hoped for. Elly was telling me, that she wanted to protect her heart and not fall again for another woman but actually she had, Elly felt the same as I did. Elly couldn't say it on the phone but instead sent me a package and inside was a small note, with a huge message, that had travelled, half way around the world, to make that dramatic entrance, that impacted on my heart so much, I was beside myself with tears of so much joy.

Please don't laugh at my old fashioned romantic side but to experience such happiness, in one small package, is truly a gift in itself.

For hours, I played the song over and over again, trying hopelessly to get a grip on myself but as we all know, one single shred of emotional happiness, can and did place me at another level, a state of mind, where I was truly so happy and grateful, that a woman so far away and of course in such bizarre circumstances, had expressed deeper feelings for me than I could have imagined. I was given another chance to be happy, an invitation in to someone else's heart and again, endeavour to place my faith in another.

Once coming to terms with last few hours, well simply back to reality, I couldn't wait to speak with Elly, I had to wait until the end of the day, as that same old time difference came into play, so my clock watching, was a little erratic to say the least, I would get on with every day work, then check the clock and only minutes had gone by, I would do more work, in hope more time had passed, it had, but again not significant enough to get excited, in fact it was making me more anxious but I had to put myself in check, telling myself over and over again to calm down and wait, wait I had no choice. The frustration of not being able to speak with Elly was unbelievable.

I managed to get through the day, without losing the plot, which I can tell you wasn't an easy task, to be alone, even though I had the choice to speak with Becky, I simply wanted to control my feelings and treasure the emotion within me, of course I would share all of this with Becky in time, once Elly and I had spoken, giving us the chance to talk, with no distractions or words of advice, really I mean caution, bearing in mind, my recent failure not to acknowledge the deceitful antics of Carly, I had to deal with my feelings, be the judge of the sincerity of Elly's feelings and most importantly not rush to grab the first opportunity of love.

My ability to be private about all of this, was quite admirable, as I was bursting at the seams to tell Becky, even my family, but it was too early and certainly not appropriate, especially with my family to expose them yet again to a new love interest, especially my mum, although she was a wonderful woman and so understanding of my life style, I was always mindful of how much I was prepared to tell her, out of respect, I was careful and subtle about my life and when the time was right, I would share my happiness with her and everyone else.

I managed to get through the day, not speaking to anyone, desperate to do some work at home, even though I cheated on some tasks, yes, cutting corners, as my concentration was short lived, with my mind elsewhere, deep in the depths of Elly.

The clock had now been kind to me, it reached the very moment of the most important call in such a long time, well I had five minutes to go really, but close enough for my heart to beat faster, my stomach to do all flips under the sun and close my eyes, just for a brief second, to breathe.

The sound of a phone ringing is right now bliss, it was a sound that in my business, sometimes really got on my nerves with the constant calls, but right now, the telephone is my friend, an invention that changed so many people's lives and right now for sure, mine.

I picked up the phone and the sound of the long distance bleep, made me so sure, it was the voice, I had longed to hear.

Elly's voice said" is that you Shar ?", I replied, "yes it's me, how are you", inside I wanted to shout with so much joy, I was smiling inside and out so much, it hurt. Elly seemed to be so on the ball with her perception of my somewhat, reserved conversation, as I was so quiet, I mean I was stage struck, lost for words, I was simply so elated and happy again, It took me a few minutes to compose myself and have a normal chat with Elly. Elly said, "Shar, what's wrong ? You seem very quiet, are you ok ?", I replied, "if I told you the truth, I fear you will laugh, or think I am some immature kid, or even a love struck teenager", Elly did laugh, but I felt Elly actually knew how I felt and this came across in her voice, Elly had a voice, which told you all she felt at that time, she told a story with her voice, I could close my eyes and listen to her every word and know how she was portraying a feeling, a thought, a situation, an opinion.

I bit the bullet and began to tell Elly, how I had watched the clock all day, unable to concentrate fully on what I was doing, feeling so excited inside, that I wanted to shout and tell the world how I felt, my stomach performing all flips known to man and most of all, how I felt about her. This was the time I said the word love, yes I know, heart on the sleeve again, Shar is showing her mushy side, which has got her in to trouble many times prior, but I couldn't help it, I felt so close to Elly, so in touch with her innocent lure, of filling my life with simple loving, that engulfed me with so much happiness.

Your now wondering, what was Elly's reply, well here goes, "Shar, (in a soft voice), I love you too", this was to me, a statement from heaven, I closed my eyes and echoed those words in my head, over and over again, making sure, Elly had just said "I love you too" I replied, "do you", Elly softly replied again, "yes I do, I wanted to say it a while ago, but thought it to be too soon and I wanted to be sure in my heart, but I do love you", I paused and replied, "Elly, I feel so close to you, even though your in the US, I understand this between us, is certainly going to be a sure test of our hearts and mind but can we do this ?" Elly replied, "Shar, I'm here, you are there, that means at some point, we have to come together, don't you think ? ", I replied, "yes we do but when ?", Elly replied slowly and responsibly, like she always did "well, how about, we talk some more and drop in our conversation, you coming to visit me and me coming to visit you?", I was beside myself, in my head, I had booked the flight, I was already there, I started to pace the lounge, my head was pounding, with the added adrenalin shooting in places I had never felt before, my heart couldn't take this sudden impact of heart felt expression from Elly and now, the planning of actually going to see her and the very thought of holding Elly for the first time, was something I so dearly wanted.

Our conversation, as usual, was of fun, gossip and more fun, we never seemed to run out of chat, even after hours of uninterrupted phone chat, our phone cards on the other hand, were taking a hammering but no price could be placed on such a wonderful part of my life right now.

We said our goodbyes and we both agreed to begin looking for flights to the US, yes I had bit the bullet again and said I would visit Elly first and arrange for my business to close for two weeks, whilst I took a well deserved holiday, with a latin twist !!!!!!

My life right now, was at a stage of hope and uncomplicated bliss, I felt I was so close, to feeling truly loved again. Could all of this actually work for me, a future that could possibly restore my faith, with a woman who filled me with so much happiness, after so much turmoil and relentless heartache I had endured, at long last, could I really experience the true love, I had so dearly prayed for....................

It took me all of one day to find a flight to New York, nothing that day was as important as finding this flight out to Elly. It was an expensive day, the flight, clothes, bits & bobs, as you do when preparing for a holiday, but this two week journey, was special, so special that, so many arrangements had been made for the business and breaking it gently to my family, so that my trip came across to them that I was simply going to visit a friend, whom I had been in contact with for some time, well it was true, but I did leave out of course, the feelings I had spinning around inside and the fact of the circumstances surrounding this huge trip, are to be left unsaid, right now.

My mum, who was a beautiful person inside and out, was a very astute woman, who knew exactly what was going on in this head of mine, she didn't question my intentions, but she calmly asked me, "do you know what you are doing", this was my mum, knowing how I felt and seeing the excitement and passion all around me, my mum had this sixth sense to understand, that this was much more than I was letting on, I replied "yes mum I do", I smiled and replied again," you know me so well", she replied, "yes I do and I simply want you to be happy".

I loved my mum so much and even though, like many children, think they are right, mum's really do know best and her cautious concern, was deep down so welcoming to me, it truly showed me, that my mum really cared about my future and well being. My mum knew only too well, that I would make this trip, no matter what and although her motherly words were heard, my mind was made up and I had to get to Elly.

CHAPTER 8

The day arrived, where my cases stood in the hallway, ready and waiting to make this massive journey with me, it was me and my cases, all alone from the UK to the USA, a doddle for me really, as I am a pretty confident person, but to be quite honest, this was a little out of my comfort zone and when your purpose is surrounded by a child like crush, a loved up individual and wishing you were in a time machine that instantly placed you where you want to be NOW, it seemed to suppress the magnitude of what I was about to do.

Ok last checks, last look around, a rye smile, come on let's do it.................

My cases were loaded in the car, I took one last look at my business and said to myself, "see you in two weeks". I started the car, slipped in to 1st gear and oh my goodness, my wing mirror had been smashed, smashed to the extent, I couldn't leave, it was too damaged, I couldn't see through it at all, " you b.......", why did you do this to me, I began to cry, hitting the steering wheel in sheer frustration, what was I to do, it was 3am in the morning, no one around to help me, I really was alone and had a plane to catch in 4 hours. I wiped the tears away as much as possible, trying to compose myself and to get a grip, enough to try and think what I could do next.

After a few minutes, I began to laugh, yes laughing out load, wiping the remaining tears from my face, it was so out of character for me, I felt a little insane, I mean, one minute I was crying, the next I was laughing, my wing mirror was smashed, it was 3am in the morning, deserted and my plane was leaving in four hours, oh utter joy lol...............

I got out of the car, went back in to the house, grabbed some pretty strong tape and frantically began to bound the damaged wing mirror, it was smashed and hanging on by a thread of cable, but you know what, I became a master of car repair that morning. I taped the mirror as best as I could, making sure it was safe and wouldn't fall off, I had no mirror and it looked an utter mess, but I had no choice but to do what I did. I threw the tape in the boot, started the car and drove.

I knew I had lost thirty minutes on my journey but as I am the person I am, I always allow one hour extra just in case, a class one idiot decides to smash up my wing mirror at 3am in the morning, it worked, that extra hour became my saviour that day.

It seemed that moment of madness, was where I realised, that something so small for those few minutes, rocked my world to the extent, that I thought my plans had been stopped in their tracks, yet thinking about it now, there is a saying, "there is a lot to think about, but nothing to worry about" and to this day, that phrase stays with me, in all I do and another saying "what goes around, comes around", so the person who smashed my wing mirror, shame on you and be mindful, what you sew will come back and bite you on the bum.....

My journey had already began and with the small blip at the beginning, didn't deter me from what I was doing nor dampen the wonderful feelings I had inside, well it did for thirty minutes, but hey, what is thirty minutes..............

My long journey from my front door to the airport and a six hour flight to JFK New York was a walk in the park, yes I was literally on cloud nine lol....I felt so happy. I hadn't felt this happy in such a long time, I had forgot how this really felt, the feeling was of, exhilaration, fresh, crisp, vibrant, compelling and insanely addictive. The surprising fact was, that I had no nerves, not even a glimmer of concern, in fact it felt like a day at the office, business as usual, oh please forgive me, I mean, I was so casual about the whole situation, perhaps it was because, I felt I knew Elly already, after all, we had spoken for hours, which converted in to days, then months, it was as though I already had a friendship, that was established, a bond only a few can experience in such unusual circumstances and this I felt, secured my trust and situated me in a good place. Oh basically, I was deep down, excited but certainly not daunted or concerned, as meeting Elly for the first time, was going to be a wonderful.

I arrived at JFK New York, feeling like a small fish in a huge pond, sorry to use a small pun, but I was surrounded by a mass of bodies, pushing politely through to get my luggage, phew, I saw my rainbow strap, still wrapped around my suitcase, a quick snatch of the handle, oh my, I've got it, now where do I go, ok follow the rest and hope I don't end up on a flight back to the UK....

I followed the crowd and it was rather a large crowd, it was the biggest airport I had ever been to, I didn't feel intimidated, I simply became one of the mass of people, wanting to get through passport control. This was, may I add, certainly different from back home, your in line, well that's like home, you are called by a man in uniform with a gun strapped to his hip, that's not like home, where he directs you to the next available uniformed man, with a gun strapped to his hip, who then says "passport ma'am", I passed my passport over, where he looks intently at my passport then at me, may I say, my passport photo looked a little scary, with the dark mascara eyes and a hairdo which was much to be desired. Oh I forgot this is serious, so serious, that the guy paused with my passport in his hands, I thought, oh my goodness, what the hell have I done, for a split second, I did feel singled out, but bless his cotton socks he said, with a small soft smile, "your English, thank you ma'am, welcome to New York", I smiled and replied "thank you very much, I will". I got through, yippee, I survived JFK lol.

I pulled my luggage behind me thinking, what a lovely man, but I wish he didn't have that gun strapped to his hip, nice holster though......

Back to the moment, a moment that joking aside, I had been longing so much for and I was about to see Elly for the first time and actually be able to touch her, hold her and look in to her beautiful brown eyes.

I saw the arrivals, HUGE double doors, they were so big, my new name is Bridget the Midget, I can honestly say, the doors were the biggest I ever seen, people have said, everything in America is big and it is a fact, they are. I got closer to the doors and to my surprise, they opened automatically, but so slow, it was a moment, I can only imagine a superstar experiences, when they come onto stage, a per nerves entrance and the stage opens up and you are exposed to 100's of people, where you can't see them individually but know they can see you.

I casually looked from left to right, in front of me and I couldn't see Elly, I knew in my heart she was there but I couldn't see her. I searched again and again, stopping to focus, hoping I could spot a Latin, long haired, beautiful woman. I put my head down for a second as people were, crowding around me, my luggage taking a slight battering, they too had people to meet, not my luggage, I mean the people and in all of this wonderful chaos, I lifted my head and to the side of me, I saw an opening, where there was a ramp leading to the exit door, at the top of the ramp, I caught a glimpse of who I thought to be Elly.

I slowly manoeuvred myself and luggage away from the masses of people, there was a clear path for me to walk towards this woman. I could see as I got closer, a woman in jeans and jumper, with tied back dark hair. At this stage my mind went blank, everything around me was so unimportant, I stopped again and I could see Elly, with one simple action, Elly smiled, she began to walk towards me, she was still smiling, my face on the other hand must have been worth a picture, I was stunned, so stunned, I didn't move, you know the running towards each other and embracing the other the person, well it didn't happen. In fact, Elly walked straight at me within inches of me, I was lost for words and then exhaled in to a cascade of tears. Elly wrapped her arms around me, I literally sobbed with sheer joy. Elly instantly held me so tight and I too held Elly, it seemed time did stand still, the hustle and bustle of this world renowned airport, didn't exist. Elly knew that my tears were, of joy and happiness, a flood of so many emotions rose to the forefront for me, it was such a special moment for me and as it seemed for Elly.

Elly was the first, to slowly pull away from our embrace, stroking the back of my head, kissing me on the cheek, then saying, "hi lady Shar", then smiled from ear to ear. Lady Shar was a nick name she always used for me, you know the British stiff upper lip class thing and of course, with tongue in cheek, I was a lady lol......

I replied "hi, you are so beautiful, oh... and I'm sorry for my emotional entrance", we both laughed hysterically, realising now, that we were in the middle of JFK and we had to make our exit, before we were handcuffed and arrested.

The walk to the car was like a pair of love sick kids, who even in our 40's, still had the capacity to act so innocent and coy, the sneaky glances, the Cheshire cat grins, a small chuckle to acknowledge deep down, we were both so excited and elated to see each other.

I couldn't believe my journey to this very moment and yet, it was as though I had always been here, Elly made me feel so special, she was attentive towards me but I also knew she was very nervous. My luggage was in the car, we shut the doors and Elly looked at me and said "your eyes, they are gorgeous", I smiled and said "thank you, now lets go, I'm excited".

Elly laughed as I did too, Elly started the car and we left one of the most famous, busiest and somewhat huge airport behind, where I couldn't wait to spend the time I had, with Elly.

Our cheeky grins and short glances were, an ecstatic burst of human excitement, I felt compelled to jump over to Elly and smother her with hugs and kisses, to hold her and smell her, it was a somewhat irrational urge I had at this very moment, but I knew it certainly wasn't appropriate, even though I desperately wanted to. Her very presence in such a confined space, in this moment in time, sent me to a place, where I really couldn't imagine, I felt so happy to be next to Elly at long last.

I had no idea how long the journey would take and really I didn't care, as my time with Elly was precious and an opportunity to savour every moment with her. Elly drove away from New York City, which may I say, is one of the largest cities in the world, I felt quite proud of myself, to travel such a long way, in to one of the most famous cities in the world, to meet someone I had never met before. You know what, I really didn't place much emphasis on my accomplishment, as the actual being there with Elly, erased any apprehension or nerves I may have had.

We drove for about thirty minutes, through traffic and towns, swarming with people, but to be honest, I really wasn't taking too much notice, as thoughts of Elly and the time ahead I had to spend with her, seemed to take priority in my head. I had no expectations of the days ahead nor visions of my surroundings, but I did wonder how we would become closer physically. Please don't think that was the only thing on my mind, as I can assure you it really wasn't.

Our occasional smiles were indicating acknowledgment of each other amongst many other thoughts, the only words spoken in the thirty minute drive were, "are you ok", "yes I'm fine, I'm so fine", "I am so happy you are here", "me too", "where are you taking me", "mmmmmm wait patiently", "oh you tease" and then a warm and endearing smile.

Elly pulled in, an off road area, which was a viewing point, in actual fact, it really was one hell of a view point. The scenery was spectacular, in front of me was New York City at it's best, the car facing this panoramic experience, right in front of my eyes. Elly said, "what do you think", I replied, "breathtaking".

We sat in the car, both with a comfortable silence, I felt in an odd way, I was home, where did this come from, I guess I felt secure, comfortable and content. I thought I was the forthright person, but on this occasion, Elly slowly leaned towards me and kissed my cheek and said, "I am so happy you are here with me", I smiled and replied, "So am I, I have waited a life time for this moment", I turned and looked at Elly, the closest I had ever been and I began slowly kissing her, touching her soft face, holding the back of her head gently and kissing her so much I didn't want it to end. We slowly pulled away and smiled, along with a bow of the head, like a pair of embarrassed kids, but it was fine.

The whole moment was ours to keep and this alone, was enough to indicate the beginning of a wonderful relationship.

It's strange, from that moment on, our connection became a natural flow of understanding, a joining of two people without the awkward silences and inappropriate suggestions, basically, it was as though we had always been together, well that is how I felt anyway, Elly gave me no reason to think she didn't feel the same way.

As we drove further out of New York city, it was a pleasant surprise, some people think of New York as a huge city, full of hustle bustle, steaming sewer grids, sirens and swarming with people, well your right, but outside of New York city, still within New York, sorry, yes I'm still in New York......it's like "Star Gate", you step in to another world, surrounded by beautiful countryside, calmer and picturesque parts of the state, where people have a choice to opt for the quieter life. It was like the UK, London is go go go, yet it has borough's, where you can avoid the noise of a faster way of living. It certainly was a far cry from what I expected, well what I mean is, from what I had seen on the television and magazines. You know what they say, seeing is believing.

We pulled in to a trailer park, in the UK is what's known as a caravan park, pretty with a curved drive through and best of all, set beside the Hudson river, oh my life, I was in ore of the location. I felt so privileged, to be a part of the whole situation, to meet a wonderful woman, to fly to New York, be greeted at JFK airport, experience such happiness and then faced with such a fantastic location. As Elly pulled in to her parking lot beside her trailer, we faced the Hudson river, I took a sharp intake of breathe in total amazement. Elly said, "are you ok" rubbing my leg, I replied, "yes, I am absolutely fine, thank you". Elly got out of the car, smiling with what seemed to be, relief and happiness.

Elly was right to feel this, as I too, could not ask for anything more.

From the moment we loaded my bags in to the trailer, we seemed to be on our way to becoming, not only great friends, but also two people who could spend a long time together, two women who could experience the true meaning of love and respect for each other, developing each day, to heal the recent scars, we both had recently shared.
CHAPTER 9

In the two weeks we had together, there was so much to see and experience, even meeting Elly's family, although I was expectantly nervous, I felt excited to meet them and share a small part of their lives.

Elly suggested we chilled, after all, it had been a long and eventful day, so I welcomed the idea of relaxing, as the US was five hours behind the UK and I now had to basically relive extra hours, hey I really didn't mind at all, as you I'm sure you can understand why....

We had coffee, sat together talking about putting the worlds to right, general opinions, planning our two weeks of activities, which all sounded wonderful, a plan which was so structured, yet amazingly exciting. Later that day, we ordered a takeaway and wine. A pizza, ok it was only a pizza, which actually, was divine and rather large, but at this stage, any food tasted heaven. The unbelievable moments we shared that day, made me smile inside and out, in fact, words are beyond how I felt and I wondered if the two weeks to follow, could be any better, perhaps they will be, but if I feel the way I do today, I will be lost for words throughout and that's a first.

The day was drawing to an end, in fact it was effectively the next day, around 1am and I wasn't even tired, considering at this point, I had been awake 22 hours, but we had to give in and go to bed and sleep, we needed every ounce of adrenalin, to master the art of a two week full on assault course.

We looked at each other, with a smile and childlike glances, wondering which one of us would suggest going to bed first for obvious reasons, well those were my thoughts and I felt Elly also, struggled with any kind of subtle prompt. Sudden urges are sometimes fatal, but I swallowed slowly and leaned towards Elly, kissing her cheek, pulling slowly away and diving in to her eyes, in hope she would help me out somehow and invite me to continue, to kiss, to touch and embrace the moment, as I hoped she would. Sure enough, Elly pulled me towards her, holding me so lovingly tight, she caressed the back of my head, pulling away slightly, to kiss my lips, not once but many times, until we both engaged in to intense and passionate interaction, this moment was sublime, to the extent somehow, well I know how, but suffice to say, the ultimate encounter that 2 people can ever experience together, happened, it was beautiful and for sure, a memory that I would always have.

Going to bed together was no longer up for discussion, making love would now become a natural and exciting part of us and not wasting precious time on hope with forced innuendo's. Exhausting, yes for sure, content and ecstatically happy, most definitely, did we sleep, yes we did.

The following morning, I woke up, realising I was not only in New York, but waking up to the smell of percolated coffee and fresh bagels, filtering through to the bedroom, oh my, was this dream ever going to end. I couldn't wait to see Elly, but before I did, I swiftly went to the bathroom, freshened up quicker than I had ever done, brushed my hair, trying my best to look half decent, well I tried.

I opened the small bathroom door and in front of me stood Elly, with such a huge smile, looking so, dare I say it, ok then, sexy. Elly's long dark hair, dark brown eyes, beautiful Peutro Rican skin and a tatty jumper, it was perfect, really it was. I walked towards Elly with open arms, smiling as I walked towards her and Elly stood waiting to hold me. We held each other tight, as though there was no tomorrow and kissed each other with meaningful purpose. Today, is yet another feel good day.

As we chatted over the table, drinking coffee, tucking in to our bagels, the beginning of our planned busy schedule, was sounding impossible, but to be honest, I really didn't care, I was wanting so much to do all of these things together, but on the other hand, I prayed for the time to slow down and catch breathe. We chatted some more and even more, but we both realised the time was against us, it made me sad, only because we knew two weeks simply wasn't going to be enough, we wanted more, so much more.

We began to run around the trailer like wild deer, jumping, laughing, generally feeling elated at the fact, we were together and looking forward to every second we had together, pushing each other to fall on to the couch, getting up and doing it all over again, we were acting so immature for women in their 40's, but it felt so right, so funny, loving and true.

That day, we had planned to go to New York city, ok I had only just yesterday, landed in JFK (New York), but there was so much more to see in this wonderful city, so many sites, so many eating places, so many people, Broadway, Times Square, Empire State Building, the list was endless, but never forgetting the heart felt visit to Ground Zero, this was going to be one of the most emotional and thought provoking moments of my trip, but a place I was compelled to visit, purely based on, saying a prayer, that I can add to the millions of others, who lost so much that tragic day, yet quietly acknowledge within, the strength of the New York people and America as a whole.

All this was not going to be done in one day, but hey, I had two whole weeks.

I can't tell you enough, how every second I spent with Elly, was heaven, really it was so perfect. Such a word is used, to express ultimate pleasure and complete acceptance by many, but there was nothing that I could even constructively criticise, sickening to some maybe, but I seemed to have captured a time in my life, that genuinely showed me how lucky I was and the word humble came to mind, as so many people in my position right now, would never experience such fulfilment and joy, that I felt.

The day was full of mesmerizing sites, people, more people, high buildings, I really mean high buildings with such grandeur and mind blowing structure. The yellow taxi's weaving through the congested traffic, the drain holes steaming as you would see in the movies, the famous avenues, oh my, so many of them, all in one city, the smells of enticing global cuisine, along with the famous hotdog stands on each corner, the street sellers, this for me created and conjured all and much more, of New York City and there was so much more to see and experience. I felt so over whelmed and thankful, to see all of this splendour with Elly. I haven't mentioned Elly recently have I, well if I said, judging by Elly's face, it spoke all the oceans rolled into one. Elly's smiles, laughter, the occasional hold of the hand, her endearing suggestions, her attentive manner in which she made sure I was safe and secure, her care in planning the places of interest, where I could share conversations with others for many years to come, to take away with me, such a significant part of my life, where it was no longer a dream, but a privileged chapter, handed to me as a gift.

Most days were pretty full on, but to a pace which was smoothly scheduled, making sure I was cared for in every way. I had thought on the odd occasions, when would this reality of a dream come to an end, yet there seemed to be no indication of let up, of the consistent wonders put in front of me.

I prepared myself, to meet Elly's family, although once again, Elly made every effort to ensure I felt ok with meeting them. Of course I was, I sincerely wanted to meet them, I wanted to see who was behind creating such a beautiful and caring women, I was intrigued to share a part of their lives and show them also, that I came from a loving and supportive family, who I love so much.

We got in the car, Elly smiled and said, "ready", then laughed, I replied, "sure, lets do it", we both laughed, realising how nervous we both felt, never the less, deep down, I couldn't wait, seriously, I was so happy to be able to meet Elly's family.

It took five minutes to get to her parents house and to be honest, I was not expecting such a large house, with a drive, large rear garden with a pool. Elly's parents must have heard us pull up the drive and there they were, standing at the door, with huge warm smiles. Elly's mum showed signs of excitement and eagerness to meet me. I smiled with a little caution, but a wave of wanting to get out of the car, run to them both and fling my arms around them. Actually, I did, I too was so excited to meet them. I ran to them both, first to Elly's dad, where he gave me a strong bear hug and kiss on the cheek, saying, "welcome Shar", I replied, "thank you, I'm so happy to meet you", then I flung my arms around Elly's mum, who was smaller in stature but so cute and cuddly. I held her so tight and so did she, we embraced for what seemed ages, she felt so warm and loving, just as I thought she would be. Elly's mum was so like my mum, her manner, warm soft voice and kind loving eyes. Already I felt so welcome, it was a wonderful greeting from them both, which made the rest of the day a joy to be a part of. We chatted about the UK, where I was from, my family, my career, my plans even, that was not awkward, but I really had to choose my words, after all, although Elly and I were more than just good friends, the future was "watch this space" mode and I politely said, "well, I would love to see America and maybe, I could take time out of my work schedule, to do this, I really don't know right now", I felt Elly's parents were subtle in asking my plans but like many parents, they do need to know what is going on, however, Elly didn't help me out, she simply smiled. This at the time, could have been taken as, "hey mom, Shar is coming to live with me", or "It is too soon mom to even think of our plans", I couldn't work it out, but what I do know is, Elly's dad changed the subject pretty sharpish and said, "let's eat", phew, was I glad of that suggestion, it wasn't awkward but kind of too soon to make any concrete plans, even though deep down, I wanted to say, "I am coming to New York and spending my life with Elly", oh how that would have been a revelation wouldn't it.......

The rest of the day was spent eating mofongo, yes mofongo, a Puerto Rican dish, fried plantain, stewed pork, rice, garlic and red beans, it was delicious, the taste and smell was nothing like I had tasted before, I actually had more, just like Oliver, I know, how rude, but hey Elly's mum was so happy I enjoyed it and in fact, kept spooning more on to my plate to eat. It was a pleasure to consume such lush cooked food, especially authentically prepared by a Puerto Rican woman, who may I add, loved to cook for her family and friends, this I was grateful for. It was time to leave Elly's parents and in many ways, I was sad, I wanted to listen to them some more and remain in their company, I felt so relaxed, welcome and dare I say it, at home. Although, I wanted to be with Elly alone and I sensed Elly wanted to leave, not because she didn't love or want to be with her parents, but because, she too wanted us to spend time alone, sharing the rest of the precious time we had left, together.

I left Elly's parents, with so much love for them, they had met a total stranger, yet welcomed me with literally, open arms and this for me, again captured home, warmth, love and a long lasting friendship.

I could waffle on and tell you everything we managed to fit in those two weeks, but it would be so much of the same, I mean not the same, but the thoughts and feelings, I have already described to you. It is suffice to say, in this precious time we had, although it was brief, the sheer volume of captivating conversation, endearing gestures, caring actions, thoughtful gifts, extremely deep intimate moments, experiencing new foods, seeing so many city sights, than many would not experience in a life time, meeting Elly's wonderful parents, no one on this earth, could have felt the way I did back then, my mind, body and soul, embraced every second of such an amazing time, with not one thought of home, except my mum, who I missed so much, this alone, if my future lay in New York, would be the most heart wrenching for me, which would be a tug to remain in the UK.

The day finally came for me to leave, a day where I cried so much, Elly too was upset, yet seemed to portray some hint of strength for us both, Elly and I held each other so tightly, we both knew that we had 1 hour to get to JFK and in the traffic of New York City, this really was not enough time but we couldn't seem to have any sense of urgency. Ten minutes before we were to leave for the airport, Elly grabbed me in to the bedroom, lay me on the bed and slowly placed her body on top of mine, she began to kiss me passionately, caressing my body, kissing my neck, I didn't stop her, in fact I too, held her so tight, it was inevitable what was about to happen and neither of us could be separated, my flight didn't matter, nothing mattered at all, we were engaged and locked in to a frenzied act of intense love making. Within minutes, we realised the main reason why we were so connected, not just sex, but the freedom we both felt to express how we really felt without words, without complicated debate or reasoning behind any of our actions, it was a natural acceptance of need between two people, with no restrictions.

We both laughed out loud, gathered ourselves together, tripping over shoes, trousers and each other, it was hilarious to see two people fumbling around, not a care in the world, yet my flight was boarding in 1 hour and we had thirty five minutes to get there, oh my life, it was great, I was living dangerously, not for the first time may I add, but never the less, I had the potential to miss my flight, mmmmmm great, I would have to stay. Seriously though, we both knew how important it was but still we laughed as we got in to the car, engine on, laughing, reverse, laughing, driving laughing, oh all the way we laughed, joked, but also realising it would be such a long time until we saw each other again.

That day, luck was on our side, the traffic, although hectic, Elly knew the route and took every opportunity to steer her way through the chaotic congestion of cars. Elly pulled up outside the airport, we were rushed and had no time to process any of the events of our time together, the only words we could exchange, in between getting my cases out of the car and placing them down on the ground were, "Elly, thank you so much, words can't express how much I will miss you, I don't want to leave you, I want to stay", Elly replied, "Shar I will miss you too, I want you to stay, but I know this, we will be together again real soon". I hugged Elly so tightly, not wanting to let go, her arms locked around me, her head nestled in to my neck. I wanted to say so much, not that words were freely available, as I had said all of them and more.

We eventually let go of each other, standing just looking in to each others eyes, taking that last breathe of unforgettable moments we had shared. With this, I picked up my luggage and held Elly's hand and said, "I love you", Elly replied, "I love you too". I walked towards the huge double doors, they opened slowly, enough time for me to turn and wave to Elly, I was hurting so much inside, but kept the tears from pouring down my face, Elly too clearly held her tears back, even though I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, I turned and went through the doors, where they shut quicker than they opened, then Elly was gone.

Although, I felt so heartbroken to leave Elly, my mind switched immediately, with a sense of urgency to check in and catch my flight. I knew I had to get on that plane, I had a business to run and after all, the reality was, my home was in the UK, my family, friends and my life, but my life seemed to be left behind with Elly, what a crazy feeling this was, I wasn't going home, I was leaving home, it felt as though I was going on a business trip and returning soon. I knew deep down these were irrational thoughts and I had to get a grip on my life, in order to evaluate what happens next.
CHAPTER 10

The flight from New York to the UK, was a thought provoking one, six hours of leaving no stone unturned, as you can imagine. At this stage, I had already decided in my own mind, what I was going to do, but to successfully make the transition, it certainly was not my decision alone, it was also for Elly to think about. I wanted to sell all I had in the UK and spend my life in New York with Elly. A rash decision perhaps, but I had absorbed months of Elly, talking of all our hopes, dreams and expectations. I had been over to New York, actually seen for myself, where Elly lived and meeting her wonderful parents. I know, two weeks in New York, for goodness sake, how could I base the rest of my life in another country, leave my family, friends and basically all I knew, not to mention a successful business, well six hours on a plane, seems a short time to think through such a major leap, but my thought process began during about the third month of Elly and I chatting on the phone.

Our phone calls were every day for months and lasted for hours, where so much was talked about and explored, the honesty was not laboured or hesitant and the relationship clearly was becoming more than just good friends.

I was still on a high and couldn't wait to call my mum and of course Becky, to tell them both all of my two week run down in detail.

I called my mum and she listened with interest, laughing with me at certain parts I was telling her, she embraced the excitement in my voice, listening with attentive replies, but then came the million dollar voice of reason, my mum said, "Shar, do I sense a smitten daughter", well good job I was sitting down, my mum is a listener and like all mums, she detects more than a trained detective and baring in mind, my mum is a conservative person, someone who see's and hears a situation before you do, her suspicion was right of course, which at that moment, placed me in an open field, where there was no where to run, so sheepishly I replied, "yes mum I am". Mum giggled and said, "I thought you were, Elly sounds a lovely girl, but America is an awful long way to maintain a relationship, don't you think ?", I replied, "it is mum, but I'm sure we can talk and come up with a solution". I think mum once again, already knew what my thoughts were and I detected from mums silence, her mind was churning the possibilities of me moving to America, but did she think, that maybe Elly would move to the UK.

The subject was shifted swiftly on to other general day to day stuff, but I also felt that mum sounded sad and deflated, but she was trying so hard to be up beat for me. My mum was always the optimist, her faith was a huge part of her life, which made her the wonderful mum she was, everyone I knew never had a negative to say about her, she was very well respected for her compassion and care with others and I for one, respected and loved my mum and she was mine. So it really did make me think harder about my decision, even though I thought I couldn't think anymore than I already had, but my mum made me realise at that very moment, what I would leave behind, if I actually moved to New York permanently.

I spoke to Becky on the phone also and as usual, she wanted to know the nitty gritty of everything we did, even down to the bedroom, but as I am a pretty private person, as Becky knew, she got no detail, simply tasteful replies, which for Becky is boring but that's all she got. We laughed as usual at my diverts from the detail, but Becky knew better than to exhaust the subject, so finally, we chatted about the whole experience of meeting Elly, her family, explaining the overwhelming and humbling time I spent in New York, Becky also, was interested and excited for me.

It must have been a strange feeling for Becky to hear her ex partner, rant on about another woman, talk about all the experience's encountered and shared with Elly. Becky seemed in actual fact, ok with it, she came across in a word, ecstatic at the fact of a new romance developing, for Becky the thought of any chance of something new and exciting, was right up her street.

Our phone call came to an end and I wanted to sit for just five minutes, basically to take a moment to think of the conversations I had with my mum and Becky, mainly mum. Becky's chat was more of a fantasy chat, I mean not fantasy, but light hearted chat, my chat with mum was reality with meaning and care for me. I felt put in to check, not in a negative way, but mum slowed me down, encouraged me to see both sides of my thoughts, she always does this and in most cases she is right, what a bummer that was. I really did have to think this one through, to the extent of a back up plan.

In life I have always maintained, when in a position of great importance, I feel an A plan and B plan, are a crucial and fundamental element to a successful outcome, oh my I'm sounding like an Architect or business guru. What I mean is, simply have a back up, another option if the first fails, oh now I'm sounding defeated before I even begin. I knew how huge this decision was and not forgetting, Elly may not feel it is the right time for her, so I had to be respectful, cautious and attentive towards Elly's wishes too.

During the next two months, I continued to chat with Elly, our conversations becoming unbearable most of the time. Let me explain, unbearable is a word I would use to express, we were missing each other so much, getting upset to the extent of crying with each other over the phone, unable to physically console and wrap our arms around each other. Our conversations were consumed of, when we could be together again, knowing due to work and study commitments and the fact we were 1000's of miles apart, it was impossible. The torment and heartache we both shared at this time, really was an endurance not a romance in the making, well actually it was, but our obstacles were huge and somehow, we had to break them down one by one and this wasn't going to be easy.

A day in December 94, Elly called me as usual, she sounded calm and reserved, I felt a little apprehension and concerned, as there was only one time in which Elly sounded this way with me and that was when she was sending the parcel to me, with the contents of cd's and a letter. Basically a surprise, where she played her real feelings down, where she didn't want to give anything away, in hinting at what she was about to do. I said, "Elly, what's wrong, you sound cagey, subdued, what's wrong", Elly replied, "mmmmm well I have something to tell you", oh was I at this stage, scared of what Elly was going to say, I believed she as going to end the relationship we had, this was going to be one of the worst days of my life. Elly paused and sighed down the phone, again I said, "Elly, please tell me what's wrong, are you ok, please tell me", my voice was becoming shaky and I was on the brink of crying, I felt tears welling up in my eyes, which I fought hard to keep back. Elly replied in a soft calm voice, "Shar, you know we miss and love each other so much, we are literally an ocean apart, I feel it is too much for us to continue being separated like this, you understand don't you Shar ?". Now I let the tears flow, I replied, "yes I do Elly, please don't end this, I love you so much, please Elly we can work this out". With this, Elly replied, "Shar, why are you crying with sadness, I'm on a plane to Manchester England, next week and I'm staying with you for two weeks, is this ok with you ?", I took a sharp intake of breathe and sobbed with joy.

That very moment, my head went in to an adrenalin rush, I was sobbing and shouting, yes, yes, yes, yippee, my woman is coming to see me, my woman is coming to see me. I swung around, pacing up and down in a frenzy, if you could see me at this stage, a white van would have taken me to the padded cell and left me there, I was frantic with joy. Oh I forgot Elly, she was still on the phone and listened to my every screech, breathe and tears of joy, I could hear her laughing, in between the phone being dropped from my ear and the intermittent shouts of yippee and poor singing rhyme. Elly continued to listen to my ecstatic joy, we were going to be together again, where now, I had a schedule to plan. Once I had calmed down, took a deep breathe, Elly still chuckling away at my spontaneous outburst, I said, "Elly, from my loud reaction, I think you know how I feel", both of us laughing, Elly replied, "yes I do, you crazy lady, you nearly deafened me", laughing as she spoke.

Once we had composed ourselves, a little, we continued to talk about Elly's visit, both of us sounding like kids in a playground, fast talking, ecstatic tones, jumping in each others sentences before we had finished, chuckles and childlike banter, which thinking back now, was an endearing part of our relationship, we had no boundaries of sensibility nor any forced code of conduct, it was simply us being us.

From that day until Elly's arrival, I juggled, making arrangements, as though I was expecting royalty, well it was in my eyes an important event, it was my turn and responsibility to make Elly feel the way I did, when she pulled out all the stops to take care of me. The time couldn't go quick enough for me, not only was I concentrating on Ell'y arrival, I had to make sure I was attentive to my business also, this was an important part of my life, it was my financial income, where I made sure, I ticked every box, in order to apply less disruption as possible, prior and during Elly's visit.

The day had eventually arrived, where I was finalizing the finishing touches to my appearance, yes a woman has to look half decent at least, don't you think.

I left the house, realizing that I was going to see Elly and I felt deep down a surge of so much happiness, a need to be with Elly. Oh my, Elly was staying with me for two weeks, which for me was not enough, I wanted to keep her forever, so corny, but this was heart wrenching and this was going through my mind, all the way to the airport, was I going mad, to think such a thought, well actually, no it wasn't, it was a case of wanting and needing. I was and still am a realist, it may not sound that way to you right now, but really I am and although these thoughts were swimming around in my head, I was conscious that our time together was short and that our future, would be decided at the right time for us both.

As I approached arrivals at Manchester airport, I felt anxious whether Elly would be on the flight, excited that she would walk through the double doors, with that beaming smile of hers. Although deep down I felt anxious, there really would be no reason, why Elly wouldn't be on that flight, unless there was something genuinely wrong. Oh I was just being foolish, I didn't want to take all of this for granted, I was just being silly I know, but never the less, until I saw Elly in front of me, I couldn't begin to relax and enjoy the fact, Elly had travelled so far, just to be with little me.

Oh my, the double doors opened, flocks of people milling through the doors, I was on my tip toes to catch a per glimpse of Elly, I couldn't see her, my eyes were scanning everywhere, still no Elly, anxious no, frantic internally for sure, where was Elly. Oh my life, I caught sight of a woman with long dark hair and a long coat, was this Elly, I couldn't quite see for the floods of people passing through the doors and then, sure enough the smile to light up the room, there was Elly, looking tired after her flight, yet her beaming smile banished any signs of fatigue. I walked towards Elly, dodging other people to get to her, it was a magnitude of joy, to actually hold and feel Elly again, we held each other so tightly and the JFK arrival scenario happened all over again. We were locked in our hold, in the middle of a busy airport, which lent itself to crowds and noise, but neither of these, seemed to deter us from savouring this very moment.

We cuddled up side by side and began to walk back to the car, our childlike behaviour began to kick in, a combination of endearing gestures, looks and silly chat, for goodness sake we were women of forty something, but hey to us, this was only a number. We drove for just over an hour, catching up on our lives, chatting of our plans for the next two weeks, suggestions from me, Elly agreeing with total trust of my ideas, smiling glances, Elly's eyes looking outside as I drove, taking in UK soil and what it had to offer or not maybe..........

As always, our chats, glances and fooling around, came so naturally, we had become a wonderful partnership in every way. There was no barriers or obstacles which came between us, the openness and trusting relationship we had built, was developed over months of listening, talking, seeing and sharing each other without any influences around us, to distort our thinking or interfere with our decisions. This was a clear indication, where we both were and felt about each other right now.

Once again it was that two week time slot, where we had to pack as much as possible and just savour every precious moment together.

My home was my business also and although I had closed the business for two weeks, whilst Elly was here, Elly had a an insight of the business and the size of the property, a substantial difference in size than her home.

I helped Elly unpack and gave her the grand tour before settling down to a well deserved cup of tea, in a warm cosy lounge, with the tv on in the background, typically a sense of normality.

Elly looked most definitely at home and said, "You have a great place Shar, it's so warm and homely", this made me feel happy, the fact that Elly felt comfortable, I replied, "so, little England is to your satisfaction then ?", Elly smiled and said, "yes of course and a great cup of tea", the tea seemed to be the key to Elly's comfort right now and with a cheeky smile, Elly went on to say, "Shar, I'm happy and you know why, cos of you, your home, oh just being here is all I need right now and thank you", I replied, "for what", Elly replied, "just you, I have found in you a person who is real, beautiful and fun to be with, I never thought or imagined, I could find such peace again with another, especially in the circumstances, we both came together, I am blessed". With this I became so humble and a little tearful, there goes my emotional wreck mode, perhaps I was tired, or maybe it was a simple case of gratitude, to literally stumble on a genuine woman, whom I had fell in love with, yes, there I go again, I had fallen, hook line and sinker for.

The remainder of that day, was spent talking, watching tv and enjoying each others company, with not one phone call from anyone and that included Becky, oh joy. Seriously, I was thankful, not that I didn't want to speak to Becky, but because I knew in the two weeks Elly was with me, there would be plenty of time for Becky to catch up on gossip and meet Elly for the first time.

The first week was spent, visiting many places of interest and beauty, well most of it anyway, giving Elly a little taster of a small part of the UK, where she had never been. Elly seemed happy and full of fun, her camera clicking away, to capture those "look back & smile" memories, laughing, joking and being Elly, warm and affectionate, which I had been drawn to, right from the beginning, amongst other things.... It was again, sheer joy to be with Elly, to be happy and carefree, to watch and be a part of a romance, that in reality, really was priceless.

You may wonder, did I really think this would last, was Elly really all she was, why would I be so lucky in finding true love, could all this come crashing down on me, all over again, is this relationship based on having a good time then make a quick exit, all of this and more did run through my mind, it really did, but then I thought, how can Elly be so consistent for such a long time, how can she portray so many endearing characteristics, along with sincere gestures without wanting anything in return. Our relationship was different, a corny statement to make I know, but right now, there was no indication of any kind of deception, in fact, these thoughts were banished from my mind from that minute onwards, it was a defence mechanism inside me, that raised doubt, from past heartache and I needed to have faith again, to trust another without casting further doubt in my mind, it was a momentary flash, simply to keep myself in check and all I needed to do, was embrace all of this, for what it really was.

We both had one week left before Elly had to return home, without me. I kept sweeping the thought from my mind and focusing on the here and now, as I knew the moment Elly had to leave, was going to be heartbreaking for me. So, let the happy times continue, three days to New Years Eve and Elly would be with me to welcome a new beginning, where resolutions and dreams, would be wished for, in hope, they would all come true.

Ok, at least I can dream, who knows, being optimistic is certainly not to scoff at, I have always been an optimist, always thinking of the positive, I wasn't the type of person to take anything for granted but always tried to pull a plus out of a negative situation, or I try hard to understand people with a cynical opinion and even turn that in to a bright outcome. I also know, life is not a bowl of cherries, nor angelic harps in white fluffy clouds, I'm not that naive, but it is true to say, if I think the way I do, it keeps my mind always in a good place. I do have my down days and fortunately, although my heart has suffered, my head is my strength of character, even though it still gives me a headache, when tough situations decide to challenge my little brain, pain killers do wonders..........

Oh sorry back to my story, I was rambling then, sorry again. Ok, New Year, well, guess who had to invite herself and her new girlfriend, yes you have worked that one out, Becky. Becky was a master of organizing everybody around her when there was a big event, so rather than dampening Becky's plans, within reason of course, Elly and I were happy to humour Becky and let her take the reins on organizing our New Year venue. Elly seemed absolutely fine with this, infarct she thought it quite funny, we both did and although we had no clue at this stage where we would end up, it really didn't seem to matter, as we both knew, that whatever or wherever we went, the celebration of the New Year was going to be together and that to me, was one hell of a party.

The morning of New Years Eve arrived, Elly and I woke up, smiling with excitement, like a pair of loved up teenagers, we were a constant bubble of happiness, having fun and enjoying every moment as it was our last. The day was consumed with us being us, along with sorting what we were going to wear and the phone constantly ringing, on the other end, Becky teasing us about the night ahead, Becky was loving it, as she always did. Becky was deep down a thoughtful person and although she couldn't help the past, it seemed as though she wanted to make up for the bad choices she had made, I could see Becky was trying and this was part of a heartfelt attempt to get things right, in a light hearted way.

Elly knew that Becky was a huge part of my life, but also acknowledged, that although Becky was my ex, there was no going back and that my romantic life with Becky was over, it was a simple case of, better friends than lovers. Elly expressed she understood totally and didn't feel threatened in any way. To be honest, I made sure Elly felt the only one for me, there was no doubt in my mind, Elly was my focus and I loved her so deeply, this Elly knew, as I told her, well more or less every sentence. Ok, a little excessive I know, but it's new, fresh, mind blowing, beautiful, exciting, loving and most of all full happiness, I'm a hopeless romantic, so what's wrong with that, I hear you, some may say, oh how lovely, others, oh give it a rest, well guess what, no I won't, I feel so happy, bursting with it all , is an under statement.

Ok, now we are twenty minutes away from Becky ringing the door bell and bursting through the door, bold, brash and very loud. I prepared Elly, so that the culture shock was softened, but to be honest, no one can prepare you for the entrance of Becky, it is a sight to behold and only Becky, I mean only Becky, can blow your socks off, with a boisterous, overwhelming, beaming smile and a laugh so infectious, it breaks the ice with joy. Oh my life, the door bell, here we go, I turned to Elly, she burst out laughing, pushing me towards the door as I was fighting back not to open it, we were both hysterically laughing so loud, Becky would have heard us. Elly went back in to the lounge, I don't blame her, I on the other hand, braced myself and opened the door slowly.

One big push, Becky powered through the door, shouted "hi baby, where's Elly, come on where have you hidden her", Becky pushed past me, threw open the lounge door and dived at Elly with open arms, oh my, if you could have seen Elly's face, it truly was a picture to have. After the grip Becky had on Elly, I had to pull her off, Elly and I laughing so hard, Becky saying, "what's wrong, why are you laughing so much", we really had to contain ourselves, Becky couldn't understand why we were speechless with laughter. Elly dropped on to the sofa, simulating exhaustion, I too copied Elly, dropping beside her, Becky still bemused of the situation. Oh sorry, Becky's girlfriend, stood at the lounge door, also seeming puzzled at the whole scenario. I felt a little rude, that all of this was happening, when she stood alone, feeling quite distant from the frolics of the situation, but I sincerely got caught up in the brief moment, where Elly and I enjoyed the fun behind Becky's wonderful floor show.

We calmed down, still having the occasional giggle, we first did the introductions. Becky's new girlfriend was Lucy, a young girl about twenty, much younger than Becky, but they seemed in tune with each other. Becky was introduced to Elly properly, even though no introductions were needed, I felt it was only right to give Elly the opportunity to see Becky, at her calmer state, well a little calmer at least. Once the introductions were over, I felt Becky was a little too close to Elly at times and although I knew this was Becky's tactile manner and a part of Becky I knew, for Elly it seemed a tad overwhelming, so I stepped in at times, placing Becky back in to check. I also felt for Lauren, as Becky at the time, seemed to be more attentive to Elly than Lauren, this again was a characteristic of Becky, it always had been and you have to know Becky, to understand, that it is a simple fact of friendliness, which to some could come across as too much at one time, hence I had the job of observing what was going on around me, I know I shouldn't have to do this, but I felt it was a protection for Elly, until such time, Elly felt she could feel more comfortable around Becky and right now, I would step in if needed.

Sometimes, I felt Becky did this, to draw attention to herself, Becky was no harm, her heart really was in the right place, but her head certainly was somewhere else, no thought at the time, what impact her tactile and forthright actions were having on others.

It was New Years Eve and we would all enjoy ourselves, with the added bonus of Becky's bizarre one liners, along with her odd ball presence, this for sure, would certainly add a sense of the unknown, which I felt was appropriate for a New Years Eve celebration, for Elly, mmmmmmmm a site she simply had to witness for herself.

The night began with drinks all round, in a local club I felt comfortable to be in and not overwhelming for Elly. The club was intimate, good music and great stage comedy. Elly seemed to be pretty much at home, drinking, joking around, smiling and very close to me, which was bliss. Becky and Lauren seemed close in more ways than you can imagine, embarrassing sometimes, where Elly and I turned away, to give them some space, as we both felt certain behaviour has it's place and to be honest, this really wasn't the time or place. Becky was a show woman, she had no problem with her extrovert character and in some ways she made me laugh, in others, she pushed the limits to another level.

At this stage, Elly and I decided to take a walk outside to get some fresh air, it was becoming stuffy in the club and the reprieve of oxygen, was welcomed at the right time. Elly and I joked about Becky and how open she was, where Elly commented by saying, "how on earth did you cope", my reply was simple, "I shook most of it off, as it was funny sometimes, but there were may occasions, it was pushed too far, where I drew the line". That is Becky and now it is for Lauren to adapt, who knows, Lauren may tame the beast.

Elly and I went back in to the club, where it was loud, chaotic but fun. Becky was still acting the joker, flinging her arms around Elly and I, by this time, with a skinful of alcohol, which as I'm sure you can imagine, fuelled Becky's inner beast, mind you, she was so funny and although on the odd occasion, she pushed the limits again and again, I was aware the night was for celebration, Elly seemed happy and getting a little tipsy also, so who was I to worry my little self.

It was approaching midnight and everyone was ready with glass in hand, the anticipation of the crowd as they began to be quieter, the club comedian stepping on to the stage with microphone in hand. Then over the booming speakers rang out Big Ben, everyone went crazy, Elly and I held each other tight, saying Happy New Year and I whispered in her ear, "I love you", Elly replied, "I love you too, this is our year and many more to come", with those words, I felt it really was the start of many great things for both of us. Becky and Lauren had disappeared, but then Elly and I saw the crowd around us disperse a little, a clearing only enough to fit two people on the floor, laid flat, kissing the faces off each other, sorry to sound so blunt about it, but it was literally a floor show. I was mortified, I really sound like an old fashioned, stuck up, narrow minded individual, but Elly's face was a picture, as too was mine. The crowd in actual fact, were loving it, roars of laughter, finger pointing, nudging of arms and both Elly and I standing in shock, then looking at each other with total amazement. Elly and I began to laugh, only to join in with the bizarre chain of event, I felt so embarrassed, Elly said to me later, it was fun, however in my opinion, I sensed it was purely to cover up her embarrassment too and to make me feel better, even though Elly knew, I was not really impressed.

Elly and I decided to leave the club, Becky and Lauren were enjoying themselves so much it seemed and after all, they were adults, they had arranged a taxi home, so I knew they would be get home safely, even though they may not remember, but certainly worse for wear the next day.

Elly and I decided to go home, the whole night was eventful, to say the least, we both enjoyed ourselves so much, but it was time to make our exit. We both walked home with one thing in mind, no not what you may think, well maybe, but simply to be together and open a bottle of wine in the warm and comfort of just us, which we did and yes for your information we did become intimate, but again this is for me to keep and suffice to say, it was more than beautiful.

The next day was the eve of Elly returning to America, I knew the day would come and consciously fought to push it away in my mind throughout Elly's stay, but the reality won the battle eventually. Elly and I spent the last day, with the telephone off, door shut and I created a haven of uninterrupted bliss. I had enough food, drink, music, tv, warmth, comfort and scented candles to last a month, but I know, I only needed all of this for one day and a night, but at least those hours, minutes and seconds, were used to there capacity, not leaving any precious moment unused. I couldn't by magic, extend the day or turn the clock back, but for my sanity's sake, I had to believe that I would be with Elly soon. Elly became quiet throughout the day, I asked her, "tell me what you are thinking", she replied, "what do you think I'm thinking", I replied, "I can only imagine your thoughts, tell me Elly, what are you really thinking", Elly replied, "well, I don't want to go home, I love you, I will miss you, why do we have to live so far apart, how did we come to this, when will I see you, come home with me, book a flight, I love you, I love you, I love you", with this I leapt on Elly, rolling around on the floor like a pair of school kids, then stopped, I gently kissed her nose, her forehead and her lips, I pulled away and said, "I love you Elly and I too, echo all you have just said, I will see you real soon and let's just say, one day, I will come to America and we will be together". Elly looked at me puzzled, Elly said, "what do you mean one day, together". With this I smiled and rolled off Elly, leaving her with a smile and a nod, to solidify my statement.

I think Elly knew what was going through my mind, but at that moment, didn't want to entertain the possibilities of my intentions, nor did she want to presume my thoughts, or perhaps she was terrified of the implications of such life changing events.

The day was coming to an end and although we both packed as much of each other in to so few hours, we simply couldn't stop time. Elly had already packed her case, due to the early morning flight and we toyed with the thought of, staying awake all night, but this just wasn't a sensible option, Elly needed to sleep, she had a long journey ahead of her, I on the other hand thought, it's ok I will stay awake and watch Elly sleep, beautiful thought, where after 2 hours, I too, drifted off to sleep, at least knowing Elly was by my side.

My alarm began to sing to me, one of my all time favourite songs, although I smiled hearing a great track, I adjusted my mind to the fact Elly was leaving soon and I realised it was instead, a day that I was hoping time would not take from me. I turned to Elly, who was slowly stirring, her eyes were still shut, she looked so comfy and restful. I gently placed my arm over her torso and snuggled up close to her, she responded by, moving tight to me, we lay there with no sense of urgency, simply enjoying the last beautiful moment together before she had to leave.

Elly turned to me and said, "Shar, we have to get ready, we have to get going, I don't want to, but we really have to move our butts", I replied with a little giggle, "Elly, 1 more minute, please". In that minute I had asked for, seemed I had asked for the world, it was to be the longest minute on record, as both Elly and I couldn't resist one last rush of passionate intimacy. A frenzied tussle of two women, wanting and needing, it was so intense, we embraced the dominance of each other, unplanned relentless love making, to which we both surrendered our all, a barrage of beautiful feelings and sensations, that soared to the core of our bodies, so much so, we both began to cry, we had reached such an emotional and un-returnable point, it was clear to see, we loved each other so much and the very thought of Elly returning home, in less than 4 hours, was simply too much to bare.

We held each other so tight, sobbing but saying nothing, no words were appropriate, nothing needed to be said, the fact remained, we both knew how hard this was and how much we deeply loved each other, this alone, rang loud enough in our minds.

A surge of panic hit me within seconds, I pulled away from Elly saying, "Elly I love you so much, but we have to move, your flight", in a brief moment I thought Elly would ignore me, but Elly knew she had to be on that flight. With immediate effect, Elly dived off the bed, in to the bathroom, in minutes she was dressed, hair scraped back, make up on and ready. I too did the same, we had limited time to get to the airport, we didn't even talk much, there was no spare time, we had used every single second available to us, it was crunch time. We grabbed the bags, no breakfast, nothing to drink, got in the car, drove to the airport, rushed to the check-in, ran to departures and stopped. Out of breathe, sweating like pigs, fumbling for the boarding pass and passport, dropping them on the floor, straightening our hair, we were shattered. In all of this organised chaos, Elly had only five minutes to board her plane, with this, I looked in to her beautiful dark eyes and said, "I love you so much and I will be with you as soon as I can, right now I really hurt inside, but will use every emotion inside me, to capture all of our time together, which will somehow, pull me through, I love you". Elly was smiling and looking right in to my eyes and replied, "I love you to Shar, you are my Lady Shar, you are one hell of a beautiful lady, we will be together and I too, have to be strong and stop myself from crying right now, coz I'll miss you so much, it does hurt, why does love have to hurt, I feel lost right now". I replied, "Elly remember everything, let the memories make you smile, let the moments we shared, fill you with happiness and if they don't, then for Gods Sake tell me now".

We both laughed and with that Elly had to go, we flung our arms around each other, neither of us wanting to let go, I gently pushed Elly away, nodding and saying, "it's time, I love you". Elly's eyes said it all, she replied, "I love you, really I love you, I promise I'll call you later". With this, Elly disappeared in to departures, turning around one last time to wave goodbye.

When people walk away from each other, we wonder why they go, well I do, yes it could be a work commitment, maybe to visit loved ones, a holiday, or just to go back home and of course my situation. Letting that person walk away from you, why, you love them so deeply yet they leave you, I know they have to, but it must be one of the most hardest emotions to endure, as at that moment, I too, felt lost and alone. I couldn't process the deep rooted sense of loss that day, although a loss comes in many forms, they are at various degrees and this for sure was a level right now, where I was struggling big style.

My return journey home, was pretty subdued, how I got there, I really don't know, my mind was so per occupied with the fact, Elly had gone, it's that feeling of knowing where you are going, but can't remember how, a crazy sensation but thankfully, I arrived home safe and sound.

It didn't take me long to snap out of my sombre mood, it was time to plan, to make those all important arrangements, I needed to get this right and make sure it was the right move at the right time for both of us.

You know exactly what I'm going to do don't you...................yes, I'm moving to America, I know it sounds crazy, I couldn't agree more. I have my family, friends and successful business, why do this for one woman, who lives half way around the world, to be apart from your family and dear friends. I had thought all of this through, really I had.

My business was already up for sale, I had already decided no matter what the outcome of Elly and I, the business was becoming too much for me, I wanted to sell it whilst it was thriving nicely, as an ongoing concern at a level, which would attract the right buyer, I simply had to make it happen quicker, so I decided to drop the price, not too much, but enough to hopefully attract just one buyer. My friends, they are all great and I know my absence will be sad for them, but they too have their own lives, where they are healthy and happy, therefore, although I would miss them terribly and I hope they miss me too, I can be rest assured, they will be just fine.

My family, now this was different, my baby sister was a great sister, oh and still is, she is a smart but sometimes dizzy brunette, kind hearted even though her head is mostly in lala land, I'm smiling just telling you about her. I will miss her but she has grown up so fast and like me, although some of her decisions have been in question, she fights back and moves on. I know she will have mum to cuddle up to and be more of a pain in the neck, so mum will certainly be occupied with my sister.

My mum, oh my mum, she is a loving, warm, kind, caring, thoughtful, beautiful, sensitive, funny lady, she is a mum to be proud of, well respected by everyone around her and she touches the hearts of all of them. My mum has been a great teacher for me and although I have ignored her advise on occasions, even though I know she was actually right, I have listened to her in my own way, as her wise and caring words, have always been selfless, her thoughts and actions, have always been, to benefit me and people around her.

I will miss my mum so much, deep down I will weep often, knowing I can only speak with her and not have the privilege to hold her, but I know I will be in touch with my mum every day no matter what. All the processing in my mind of these thoughts and feelings, were highlighting in magnitude, what I was leaving behind.

With all of this in mind, I realised that not only was this a huge decision, it was a chance to make a new life for myself, to effectively start over again, with new everything, the only thing that wouldn't change, is me. I had made a promise to myself, that I would keep true to myself and not be influenced by anyone or anything, I was simply me and it was to remain that way.

With all of this in mind, my mental and emotional state had to be kept in check, focused why I was making this huge decision, thinking also of the temporary impact it would have on my family and friends, but it was something I had to do at a time in my life, where by sheer chance, sooner than I had imagined, I was loved again, this alone felt right.

CHAPTER 11

Elly arrived back in New York safely and although somewhat subdued on the telephone, when I began to discuss my proposed adventure, the conversation became more up beat and uplifting.

The following months were to be one of the most important times of my life, perhaps not just for me but for Elly also, not forgetting all of the wonderful people around us. It was something I had thought about from the day I arrived back from my first visit to see Elly. Throughout our conversations and visits, it became apparent, of the extent Elly had got to me, her whole persona had taken over my life in every way, the way she made me feel, think, act and deeply love again. This was not a decision made lightly, nor was it the bright lights of New York luring me to another land, it was simply for love and to be with a person whom I genuinely felt was right for me, I know your reaching for that sick bucket again, no really, it can happen, we have one shot, we can't turn the clocks back, nor can we say, "if only", it was right, it was now.

My preparations began, well they were in place more or less already, all I had to do was sell my business. The property market was slow, yet odd commercial properties were selling in my area, but at a low purchase figure. I had reduced the price to entice just one potential buyer, that was all I needed, surprisingly I had six viewings, three of which returned to look again, then two of the six viewings, made me offers. One of the offers was simply a side splitting laugh, which was a no from me, the other offer was the one, I was so ecstatic, the asking price was offered by a young couple who wanted to start their own business, they had never owned a business nor entered in to such a huge step together, but they were keen to purchase. This was music to my ears. Being the person I was and still am, I assured them both, I would be happy to help them in any way I could and in actual fact I did.

My solicitor was instructed to go ahead with the sale, where she advised me that I was selling my business too cheap, that the prospective buyers, were getting a real bargain and was I sure that I wanted to go ahead with the sale, my answer was, which I'm sure you can answer that one for me, yes it was a big fat YES.

Now it became a reality to savour, a sweet taste of stage one complete, I know and understand, the completion of the sale was not yet signed and sealed but at least I was seeing some form of progress towards my move, to be with Elly.

Two months went by and I had continued to pack and prepare for my mammoth move to America, it seemed like a life time, I know it wasn't, it was really me grabbing time to push it out of the way and wade through the process of all the stuff, I wish was already done, so I could just jump on the plane and get to Elly. Elly and I spoke oceans during the two months, remaining excited and full of future promise for our time ahead together. We never failed to cram so much conversation in our telephone calls and never forgot the cost of the cards which we ran up sky high minutes on, this was a financial hole in the pocket well spent, as we both knew, that soon that expense would be a thing of the past and a keepsake of our history.

It was a tense few months, waiting in hope the sale of my business would not fall through and that the rookie couple would sign on the dotted line, finding my financial status would blossom, with the sight of my bank balance flourishing and blooming with pounds essentially needed to fund a new future.

It was February 95 and I received a telephone call from my solicitor saying, "Hi it's Cassey, hand the keys over to your new owners, your money is in your bank, you have successfully sold your business", with this overwhelming ecstatically happy news, I was calm and professional with Cassey, even though she knew how much this meant to me, I replied, "Cassey, thank you so much, words right now are beyond me, but I think you already know how I feel, thank you so much". With this, Cassey said goodbye, chuckling as the telephone went down. I had a great relationship with Cassey, she always said it as it was and advised me throughout our dealings together with the sale of my business, so I knew she also was really happy for me, even though the price was contrary to her advise. I stood rigid, my hand over my mouth, why do we do this, no one is there, we still inhale and exhale, an action of surprise or shock, prompts us to cover our mouth or put our hand on our head, why, no purpose really, but hey I don't care right now, my business is sold, I'm going to America and you know what, I fly out to my new life with Elly in two days, oh my life, yes oh my life, it really is, my life.................

I wrote a small list of "things to do", this right now was a good idea, as my mind was running so fast, I knew somewhere along the way, I would forget something or miss small details which were fundamental towards leaving my old life and beginning the new.

I had purposely said to myself, don't multi task, one thing at a time, complete one before you move on to another, that thought failed immediately, the sense of urgency was engraved within and I was determined to complete my list at a pace, where my life depended on it, in an emotional way, it did, my time management had to be spot on to the hour, so here goes.

I contacted the new owners of the business and they were somewhat happy yet also subdued. Perhaps they were shocked, nervous, apprehensive and excited all rolled in to one, but never the less, now knew, they were the new owners of a business.

I arranged for them to pick the keys up in 2 days, the day I was flying out to New York, this way, I felt a proper hand over and a quick emotional exit for me. I didn't want to linger any longer than I had to, therefore, it was for me a moment planned, the quicker the better. After all, I was leaving not only my successful business but also my home, a place of many memories and although some not to savour, for me I had no regrets, simply realizing what a huge leap of faith I was taking, this alone, conjured so many thoughts and feelings but none of them with regret.

My checklist was nearing an end, the final two listed were, secure the premises and check luggage along with passport and all documentation I needed.

My checklist was complete.............................

February 8th 95 arrived, the UK weather was brilliant sunshine, typical when usually it was raining, but this day began bright and nervous. It was 6am, warm under my duvet and slowly I stirred from actually a great nights sleep, thank the Lord. For a few seconds it didn't dawn on me the importance of this day, until my mind and body, kicked in to touch, today I fly to New York, today I leave my home, business, family, friends and my mum, I begin a new life with Elly, oh my life, the new owners will be here in two hours, get up, get up.

I leaped up, straight to bathroom, showered, dressed, placed my luggage in the hallway, checked again all of my documentation, made a cup of tea, sat down, I think I was breathing at this stage, even though I couldn't remember if I did in between my frenzy of my final checks, then I stopped, sipped my hot tea and dropped my shoulders.

I had twenty minutes before the new owners arrived, in this time, I cried a little, scanning my memories of my surroundings, as I have mentioned earlier, some good even very good, yet some very sad and wish to forget. I couldn't help thinking, what would or could have been, yet we all know, the past is now history, no turning the clock back. I do wish though, that my life could have been different, where my choices and decisions determined a more positive outcome, yet at the time, I didn't see this and dealt with the situation in a split second as it happened. Like I say, one shot at life, therefore, my choice and future, are now made, no turning back, leave the past behind and step forward in to a new future.

Oh, they are here, the bell actually made me jump, I was so deep in thought, how strange when your mind blocks everything around you and a familiar sound or vision, places you back, to the here and now.

I approached the door sprightly, smiling as I opened the door and there they were, slightly sheepish, so I welcomed them in to their new home. I had one hour before the taxi arrived to take me to the airport, so this time was precious, if I was to show them, the basics.

I remember the first day, no heating on, it was cold, no previous owners to show me the ropes, no tour of the property, no security run down, infarct no nothing, I mean we, Becky and I, we had to find our own way, pure discovery. Oh and in the coming three days, a party of twelve girls arriving, what a culture shock that was likely to be, for the new owners.

Anyhow, I wasn't going to do this for the new owners, I had an hour, so I was going to show them as much as possible, without baffling them with science, I wanted to make it simple, yet effective, I wanted them to feel as comfortable as possible in their new surroundings. They did look baffled, even before I started, so I made them a cuppa, drink as we go, so to speak.

Thirty minutes flew by and I was trying so hard to concentrate on showing them essentials, but my mind also was away with a fairy, I mean Elly, I couldn't help it, as in 8 hours, I would be with her. Stop, concentrate, so back to basics, I continued to show and explain as much as possible, in the remaining thirty minutes, we had five minutes left, where we sat down. We began to briefly chat about my trip and their apprehension, I couldn't help but think, that only one of the partnership seemed keen to impress, the other seemed shy and reserved. In the last moments of our chat, I couldn't help myself, where I said, "Look, here is my phone number in America, if you need to ask me anything, please call me", what I saying, I had sold the business, it had nothing to do with me, I had no obligation at all to offer this, but the simple fact was, I felt like they did years ago and I wanted them to have at least, a good start and not feel alone. Was this the right the thing to do, my answer, yes it was, simply because, sometimes we need others for help and that is exactly, why I gave them my telephone number.

Once again the door bell rang, it was the taxi, here I go, with a fond farewell, a hug and good luck, I loaded the taxi with my heaps of luggage, stepped in to the taxi, waved the girls goodbye and my home slowly disappeared from sight. My home, it was no longer my home, simply a swift end to such an eventful part of my life, it had gone in a split second, fading away, to become a vision and memory of the past. I didn't feel sad nor any regret, but I did feel a sense of loss, this I feel was the memories, events and hard work I had ploughed in to the business, now a thing stamped and placed in the past.

The taxi was warm and the driver friendly, but to be honest, I just wanted to be quiet, I wanted to go back to the place I was when I was having my cuppa, where my mind blocked out everything around me. The taxi driver was chatting away and without being rude, I listened intermittently, where I acknowledged him with a nod or smile. I really didn't want to chat, which is unusual for me, really it is, I just wanted to relax, with my own thoughts and slumped posture, comfortable without moving an inch, I just wanted to be within myself, a place to think, a place where I could gather, all of the mixed and treasured memories. It was a time, where reflection for me was needed right at this time, I flicked through snap shots in my mind, remembering and smiling from within. I captured various events from my time with Becky, also with Elly, I compared what was and what I hope my future to be. I think we are all guilty of theory building in our heads and yet, most of our thoughts are diminished immediately, as not all of them if any, come to fruition.

The taxi ride seemed a speedy one and I hadn't noticed most of the journey, yet we were pulling in to the airport departures bay.

The driver opened his door, where a sharp gust of air came in to the car, basically jolting me in to a "move your butt mode", I too opened my door, got out of the taxi and proceeded to collect my luggage from the side pathway. The driver, jolly as ever, said, "there you go love, all present and correct", I replied, "thank you very much, take care", he replied, "I will and you too, enjoy the Big Apple", it took me back a little, that those simple words he said, I was going to New York, I really was stepping on to a plane and flying half way around the world, to live there. With this, I placed myself back in to check, said my goodbye to the driver turned and made my way to the check in desk. I needed a trolley, as I had three cases and two smaller bags, this was all I had, oh besides the two large cases I left with Elly from my last trip.

I had thirty five minutes before I boarded the plane, bound for JFK New York, in this time, I slowly walked towards the boarding gate, mindful I would be closer to board and could grab a coffee, a little caffeine to stimulate the early morning swagger, along with keeping my mind alert. My mind alert, right now, I felt so relaxed, it didn't make sense really, I had just sold my business, left all that I knew, I'm alone, surrounded by people I don't know, boarding a plane going one way to New York, beginning a new life with another, entering a new country, new culture, no job, no visa, no nothing, well a little money, which to be honest, was not important, as the reality was, my peace of mind, I was free of negativity around me, I felt liberated, hey that's a great word, no really, my mind was clear, free from complication, decision making and brain storming, no pleasing others in my life, I felt privileged to own how I felt, knowing my future to be, was a thought provoking time, to say the least, but I made this monumental choice, I took the opportunity to make a new life for me, away from ex partners. They would always be in my past but at least I could have a breathe of fresh air, away from any old influences.

All these thoughts, certainly ate away at the time I had left, before boarding, in 10 minutes I was getting on that plane.

Then from nowhere, I heard loudly....

"bbe, bbe, bbe", for a split second, I didn't react to a voice in the crowd yelling so loud, that I recognised, then I turned not to attract too much attention, that wasn't going to happen, attention was her middle name. My eye's nearly popped out of their sockets and my mouth opened as wide as the Grand Canyon.

It was.... you've guessed it.... Becky.

Oh my life, it was for me, an instant watery eye's moment. Becky had driven for over an hour, at speed to see me before I left. We had already agreed, no goodbye's on the day, due to exactly what was about to happen.

Becky flung her arms around me so tight, I could have burst open, I felt lifted with happiness, that Becky had taken the time to drive all this way to see me, for what was a few brief minutes. In the last minutes before I boarded the plane, Becky told me she was sorry for the past, wish things could have been different and that she loved me. We both loved each other, our relationship was so special, where we had met on common ground, the love I felt, had become more respected for each other, we knew where our hearts lay now and moving on was a given. I loved Becky for simply being Becky, her qualities do show through, even though at times, she lost herself and became quite an unsavoury character, never the less, Becky was still my friend. We hugged some more, smiled endearingly at each other and began to cry. It was many emotions, scrambled in to one single moment, but my life lay 1000's of miles away and it was there, where I wanted to place myself.

I turned and walked towards the boarding gate, looking back at Becky's face, tears ledged on her cheeks, hands in pockets, smiling through the sadness of me walking away, then I passed my ticket to the attendant, I walked through the check in, turned for the last time, waved to Becky, where she waved back, this time sobbing and so was I, Becky went out of sight.

I didn't even feel embarrassed that my face looked like a swollen melon, nor the fact my eyes looked like battered golf balls, it was sad to leave Becky, we had already said our goodbye's yet she had to be there, the tears and upset were a result of what we had wanted to avoid.

I found my seat on the plane, it was next to two girls, which I was thankful of, I had a window seat, I could see the airport windows but no Becky, everything seemed so small, so distant. I had to compose myself and prepare for take off, it really was hard to switch from such an emotional state of mind, to regain some form of normal facade, but I had to, for the sake of potential questions or muttering voices. The girls smiled at me, they seemed to be in their thirties and together, I mean together as in partners, this maybe a bonus for me, hey I'm not jumping the gun, I'm saying, my journey wouldn't be so lonely.

The plane prepared for take off and so did I, this was it, the beginning of a new future. Once again, I scanned my mind of memories and the people I was leaving behind, I had spoken to my mum on the phone, once I had checked in and she was so gracious, so loving, neither of us cried, but deep down I knew this was a wrench on our hearts. My mum spoke softly, reminding me to take care of myself, I knew she was concerned for me, like many mothers would be, yet she realised, I had to make this journey, in order to fulfil my needs with another. I said goodbye to my mum, you know where you don't want their voice to stop and hang on the phone as long as possible saying anything, so the call doesn't end, but we knew I had to go and it was me, who finally said, "mum, I love you so much and I will ring you everyday, I promise", mum replied, "you won't be able to afford the calls, ring me when you can, but make sure you ring me, when you get there", with this I replied, "I WILL ring you everyday, I love you", with this mum said, "I love you very much take care".

The phone went quiet. It was a brief slump within and a quick glance at the departure board. This journey was not a 20 minute drive down the road or a house move to a different county, or even a job opportunity in a different city, it was another country, 1000's of miles away, a place I had no idea of really what to expect for the rest of my life.

Here we go, the plane is sounding pretty powerful right now, I love this bit, take off, the feeling of power and sheer admiration of a pilot I don't know, taking a huge mechanical bird in to the sky with me on it. I can't wait for the landing, I love that too, the reverse thrust of a plane on touch down is so exciting. Oh please don't get any idea's or thought's of the perverted kind, or that I'm part of the "mile high club", I simply love the experience and feeling, that something man made or even woman made, can conjure for a limited time, exhilarating and exciting feelings for an individual, in this case, little me.

We were in the air, oh how wonderful it looks, clear blue sky, cotton wool clouds, what a view. The girl next to me, nudged me gently and offered me a sweet from her goody bag, which was full of mixed sweets a child would fight you for. I smiled and said, "thank you, I'm spoilt for choice", she replied, "I know, you hold the bag, take your time and pass them back when your finished, "I replied, oh I can have all of them", she replied, "are you serious" with a cheeky smile as she said it, again she said, "I don't think so" with a cheeky smile yet again. I took a sweet and said, "thank you, you are most kind, one sweet you offer me, when you have all those sweets to yourself, well that's a little unfair, will you offer me another one if I'm a good girl", I was ready to break in to hysterical laughter and so were the girls, infarct we did, it felt so appropriate, even though we didn't know each other. It was so nice to feel comfortable with total strangers, laughing and sharing a little thing, as a sweet, to open up an abundance of, laughter, chat, exchanges of one line jokes and to generally have company, all be it temporary.

Due to the lovely company I was grateful to have, the hours passed so quickly. The company, breakfast served, listening to my music, a quick doze and mind scanning thoughts, I had thirty minutes to landing in New York, where I would see Elly and be with her permanently.

The two girls I shared the journey with, had told me of there situation, both English and moving to America. They were going to New York, for a short break, then going flying to Miami, where they both had decided to live and work there. Their story seemed to be pretty believable, as there was no bold statements nor extravagant plans, they came across cautious in their plans, yet positive it was going to work for them. They said, that if it didn't work, they would fly back to England and stay there, it simply was an opportunity and dream, that they try together. They seemed to be so close and attentive to each other, they portrayed a sense of purpose, with sensible goals, again all planned with each other. I told them my purpose for this trip, but I was cautious with the detail, as even though they seemed lovely people, which I'm sure they were, my private disposition, always remained at the forefront of my mind. I do share my life with people, but only the information, that I am happy for anyone to know, after all, my private life is private and stays with me.

This is it, the plane is coming in to land and you know what I'm going to say, yes, yipeeeeeee, I love this bit too. Seat belt on, relaxed and...............reverse thrust ready, engines roaring, screech of the wheels on the runway, wait for it......... there it is, the sound of the reverse thrust, pulling the plane back to slow us down, oh this part is great. Your thinking those thought's again, you are, I know you are.

I'm in New York, oh my life, I have a mixed bag of the following, excited, nervous, panic, anxiety, heart rate is flippin fast, happy, smiling inside, pulsating head, deafness oh basically, I'm tired and a wreck, it's time to get off the plane, get my luggage and go to the bathroom.

I said my goodbye's to the girls, sincerely wishing them well in all they did, I also thanked them for making my journey a delight. They too expressed that they thought I was fun and a good listener, hey there's hope for me yet. The girls and I hugged, smiled at each other as they walked away arm in arm, turning around for one last wave goodbye. It seems that my day has been filled with goodbye's, although they seemed of sadness, they were actually, full of joy and love, I felt humbled to experience such kindness, love and sincerity, once again memories that I can reflect upon, from time to time.

Oh my, stop dawdling, get luggage, go to the bathroom, look at least half decent for Elly.

Ok, this was the moment of truth, one last look in the mirror, check, hair not looking like I had just got out of bed, check, deodorant applied, check, perfume subtle not burning your nostrils on inhalation, check, finally and the most important, zip up on trousers, check, this is so they don't fall down on approach and your underwear if you have any on, doesn't get you arrested in the process, check.

Here we go...........as I tried hard to be so casual and collected with my luggage in tow, you always get that one suitcase, that decides to overturn, like a caravan being towed, it sways from side to side, you try and keep the balance, so not to look a complete idiot, but no, it eventually wins the battle. One of my large, heavy cases tips, pulling me with it, then the domino effect begins, the whole damn lot goes with you also. I stopped, stabilized my luggage as well as myself and began the last long stretch towards the huge glass doors, where I focused and saw Elly, actually was that her mum also, oh my life, it was. They were both beaming with smiles, infarct her mum had tears in her eyes and they were both waving British flags. Oh I too had tears in my eyes, as I got closer, the doors opened and I stood still, all three of us beaming with joy, the sun was bright, it was a beautiful day in all aspects you could imagine. I went to Elly's mum first, to hug her so tight, she was a wonderful lady, a sincere human being, with so much love to share, how could I not feel welcome. I then turned to Elly, I had to be mindful of my persona, as not to offend Elly's mum. I held my arms out to Elly, who instantly, grabbed me and held me so tight, it was a hug I had longed for and worth the journey time and time again.

The unbelievable welcome, again was lodged in my memory bank, it was totally unexpected, but for sure, captured so many incredible feelings. This was a momentous part of my future, it cemented the beginning of my new life in America, the welcome surpassed all my expectations, I had arrived in my new home.

CHAPTER 12

The journey home, I'm saying home, it feels like home to me, was full of girlie laughter, the occasional embarrassing one liners from Elly's mum, regarding Elly, which were very funny and Elly took them pretty well. We both knew how funny Elly's mum could be, although it was at Elly' expense, it was pure gold to hear such innocent and endearing banter, from a woman of seventy two years old, with a mind of a teenager, along with looks of a young woman, can't be bad, it must be the Spanish genes or the Mofongo they eat.

We dropped Elly's mum back at her house, where we were asked to come in and have a coffee, but Elly was quick to say, "mum we will see you tomorrow, Shar is tired, she needs to unpack and settle in her new home", my new home, this was music to my ears. Elly was thinking of my feelings constantly and realised, that although the offer of a coffee with mum, actually meant the whole family and "the family", were also huge, hey they are Puetro Rican, what do you expect, family is an integral part of Spanish life and this for me, was the sense of being a part of this wonderful congregation of people. So, although an inviting gesture by Elly's mum, Elly paced my introduction into the fold, so to speak. Elly's mum seemed deflated, so I jumped in with, "Alicia, can I come and see you tomorrow for lunch please ?", with this Elly's mum, beamed, she replied, "oh Shar, that would be great, what time ?, so I can prepare lunch for you", Elly and I looked at each other and I replied, "how about 2pm, would that be good for you ?", with this, Alicia came bounding towards me, hugged me tight and kissed me on the cheek, she replied, "oh yes, see you then, do you want mofongo ?" with a beaming smile, I replied, "of course, yes please, oh could I have rice and beans also please ?", Elly's mum was in heaven, she lived to cook and make others happy. I too, was trying to make Alicia happy, by acknowledging, that although we were leaving her right now, that tomorrow she would see us and have a purpose to yet again, make someone happy, I felt it was my mum in front of me. I had at that moment, an explosion of happiness and well being, safety in surroundings so new, yet felt like home. With this, we left Elly's mum and went home, a huge trailer, nestled in a rural park, right next to the Hudson river, oh my life, I was experiencing yet again, an overwhelming sense of, too good to be true, but it was as real as the air I was breathing.

Elly could see that I was filled with joy and sheer contentment, even though I continued to welcome the whole new bundle of oncoming differences, smells, surroundings and warmth of all that was about to change the rest of my life.

We spent the remainder of the day, unpacking my cases, eating, laughing, watching the tv, talking like there was no tomorrow, listening to music, then when dusk came, we went outside in the modest garden and stood right by the Hudson river, the sounds of crickets along with the flashes of the glow bugs, created a fitting end to a long but incredible day, it truly set the stage for the start of my new life, here with Elly.

The next morning, I woke up first, taking a few seconds to realise where I was, re-adjusting to my surroundings and most importantly, Elly next to me, who may I add looked snug, with her long black hair, basically, all over the show, it made me smile verging on a laugh out loud moment. It wasn't the romantic staging you would imagine nor of a set off a Hollywood, but it simply was Elly and that alone was enough for me, to snuggle up to her and gradually wake up relaxed, to spend yet another precious day with Elly.

After about twenty minutes, Elly began to stir, she turned her body towards me and put her arm around me, rubbing her tired eye's as to clear them, with this she smiled and said, "good morning lady Shar", I replied, "good morning Elly", we both chuckled like children, nestling our heads together and kissing each other. No words were spoken for another five minutes, it seemed no words were necessary, as we both seemed to understand the grandeur of the whole situation in it's entirety. That day was to be the first of many, basically the same, with the exception of Elly's work and college study.

Two days later, came that huge difference for us both. I had no idea of the extent, to which our lives would have to adhere to such a set routine, I was perhaps not thinking of the fact, that real life would effect the dynamics of our relationship and I was trying to remain in cloud cuckoo land. Elly had to return to work, she had used her leave days up, with the arrival of a crazy romantic English woman, besotted with an American woman, this was to be a test of my inner strength and independent character, to adjust with haste, as there was no trial run, Elly had to go to work and was also scheduled in to college straight after work, therefore, she left at 8am and returned home at 4.30pm, grabbed a snack and left for college at 5pm, returning home at 9pm. This was for me, a pull on my inner resources, physically, mentally and emotionally, in a country where I was so far away from my mum, family and friends, what the hell was I going to do.

Elly and I had spoke about this many times and I realised the importance of her study, as she wished to become a Social Worker, therefore, her assignments were long and heavy, I knew the work load was a huge ask for anyone, but I realised the extent of how time consuming course work can be, as I too worked full time along with a three year course, so the demands were high. I felt our situation was going to be challenging, yet I fully understood the importance of supporting Elly, to achieve her goal and sacrifices had to be made, in order for Elly to be successful and gain all the qualifications required.

It was initially working really well, I would kiss Elly goodbye as she left for work each day, it was a long day, 8am until 4.30pm, then forty five minutes at home with me, then about turn and out again for college until 9pm. Elly's college nights were only Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night, which were pretty lonely at times for me, but hey those sacrifices had to be made.

I had a plan of action in place, where I needed a job, financially I was ok for a about 6 months, this was part of the plan, that I would have time to find a job, any job at all, as long as I could find a company or business to support my sponsorship in to the USA, in addition, I had already applied for my visa to stay in America, where I filled in a huge amount of forms, had witness signatures, photographs, collating documentation to support my application and in constant contact with the appropriate offices, so I was updated every other day.

So whilst Elly was working hard each day and juggling her college three nights a week, I too, had work to do.

Each day I had an action plan, what I was going to do, where I was going to go, mindful of the fact, I had no idea how to get from A to B, nor familiar with the roads, driving on the right hand side was not a problem nor being a left hand drive car, so driving not a problem, getting to my destination, was another puzzle, but once again, a challenge and an adventure, well more of a, "oh my Lord moment" really. Nothing seemed to phase me, I was a confident person, who faced opportunity and new angles of life in my stride, I always per planned my next moves, with regards to the unknown, each day is different, adapting to all situations and making the right choices, well try to anyway. I maintained, if you make an A plan, then this is your first choice, if the A plan, doesn't go how you would like it, have a back up B plan, at least then, you have two shots at the goal, if they both fail, perhaps re-think your path, if in doubt, let it go, as perhaps it wasn't meant to be in the first place. Oh I'm rambling and giving you a lecture in life choices, little did I know, that my philosophy lesson, was about to come to fruition.

My days were long, where I spent them, listening to music as I cleaned the trailer from one end to the other. I prepared a cooked meal every day, ready for Elly when she arrived back from work, I even varnished the outside decking, which looked pretty good, if I say so myself, I mowed the lawn area, I altered the curtain lengths, purchased new nets, took trips to Home Depot diy store, where I picked up a new air conditioner for the bedroom, in addition, a fly door shield, a cute hedgehog, oh not a real one ofcousre, a trellis for the bottom of the garden, new plants, oh the list goes on. These items were over a period of two weeks, it gave me the excuse to get out and have some fresh air and keep topped up on my driving and location. In between my shopping trips, I scoured the local papers and job magazines for work, I went on the internet also, where I scrolled down the 100's of posts available. I applied each day for two weeks, roughly around fifty jobs in total, I was so committed to finding a job, irrespective of the intense time and effort it took. Now I had to wait in hope, that out of the huge number of applications I had made, there would be at least one, just one, that would employ me and give me a chance. I had even prepared to purchase a car in readiness of a new job. I hoped that even just one response would offer me an interview, this then would be a start, where I could gain confidence and experience.

I haven't mentioned in all of this frenzied activity, two months had passed by and to be honest, the days had flown past, with Elly working, college commitments, me as the domesticated and faithful housewife, frantically trying to get a job, our relationship was full on, of us, eating out with friends, family dinners, Elly's mum looking after me with her wonderful cooking and wise advise, visiting New York City, nights out, my daily trip to the village, driving around the area, familiarising myself with my home environment, it was simply a joy, but our wonderful relationship began to change.

I noticed during the following months significant changes in Elly, she seemed so preoccupied in thought, I put this down to her work load and did my best to make life easier for her. However, Elly was coming in late from work, her reasons for this, stock taking and late customers. The trips to the liquor store were often, not every day but a few times a week, being mindful, it was a three litre box of wine each time, which was consumed in no time, in fact, if Elly ran out of her wine, she would get in the car and go and get more, bearing in mind Elly only drank at night. Her demena was bordering on chauvinistic towards me, our wonderful conversations became less and Elly showed little attentiveness towards anything to do with us. Again, I put this behaviour, well some of it, down to her work load and perhaps the plentiful wine, eased her anxiety of hours she had to endure, to get the qualifications she needed.

I even helped with her course work, infarct I wrote many pages of Elly's college work for her, on many occasions, as she had to complete specific modules each week. I knew she was tight for time, so I asked if it would help if I did it for her, she said, " sure, it will give you something to do". Elly's response felt cold, yet again, I passed it off due to the pressure she was under.

Another week passed, I had no replies from any of the jobs I had applied for, but still hopeful I would at least get one or maybe two. I began to think Elly's behaviour maybe be because I had no job and she was worried about this, but I was still paying the bills, buying anything that we needed, with my own money, so there was no financial worries. In fact, I personally thought, we were more than comfortable and shared everything together as equals.

Elly's behaviour seemed to become even more of a problem, I tried to talk with her, but she insisted all was ok, Elly explained, her down time was a glass of wine or three and engross herself in the tv, shutting out all around her, this included me also, I was part of that shutting down, I felt so lonely and isolated, again I tried to talk with Elly, but her state of mind was not in any mood to rationally respond.

On the many nights the wine had taken its toll on Elly, we would both go to bed, but as I was in the bathroom, Elly would come in sometimes, dreary eyed with a drunken smirk on her face, she would come up behind me heavily smelling of alcohol and her breathe so stale, it turned my stomach, I would be gentle and try to laugh it off by saying things like, "get your paws off me", or turn to her face on, where she would slump on to me, then I would stumble with her to the bedroom, knowing fine well she would collapse as soon as her head hit the pillow, how she ever got up for work so sprightly, I really don't know.

There were times also, when Elly would pinch me, they weren't cheeky endearing pinches, they were hurtful and mean. I realised at this stage, the relationship I had hoped for and the life I had prepared to have with Elly, was crumbling and fast.

This particular day, after one of the drunken shut down's of Elly's, I had to talk with her and talk until we had reached a point, that all this had to stop. We weren't the same people, I had changed my perception of Elly, which I didn't like, I was not the optimistic and hopeless romantic that stepped on to New York soil, I was an isolated wreck, who despite all the efforts, sacrifices and excuses I had made, they were making no impact on Elly and our relationship.

Elly listened intently at what I had to say, I was yet again trying so hard to be diplomatic, as not to hurt Elly, mmm hurt Elly, I was the one who had placed so much on the line, I wanted to help Elly with her busy work load, be a supportive partner, take the domestic and everyday boring bits away from Elly, I loved her, listened to her, cared for her and most of all generated so much ease to her life, so Elly could breeze in and out from home, with simply work and study in her life. I was forgetting in all the emotional turmoil, to look after me. I did pour my heart to Elly this day and even when I did, although I felt Elly was listening, her expression split periodically somewhere else and I had no idea where. I waited for Elly to respond and again, although Elly was saying the right things and vowing to make changes, I wasn't convinced. I couldn't put my finger on it at all right then. Elly apologized for her work load, but why apologize for something I already knew was a part of her life, Elly also acknowledged she needed to time manage her life with me, not around me and how important it was, we both spent more time together. I smiled at her proposal, but yet again, I wasn't comfortable with her intentions.

There seemed to be an underline issue, that I needed to explore within me, I felt Elly was keeping something to herself and even though our long talk together, I still remained uncomfortable.

That same day, Elly and I decided to go out to eat and shop. I felt it was a decisive attempt by Elly, to win over the day and camouflage the deep rooted issue, which Elly chose not to discuss with me. I even questioned myself, wondering, if it was my imagination due to my insecurity at this time, was I the one who was making this bigger than it really was. I embraced the day and days after this, trying hard to think rationally and see the changes in Elly, which may I say, did begin to happen. Elly calmed her drinking, her conversation was beginning to be more varied, we began to go out a little more, meeting friends, socializing and having some fun. Intimacy with Elly was how can I say, well bottom line, unromantic, more of a chore, not the attentive soft love making to when we first met. When Elly and I hugged, it felt distant, when we kissed, Elly was quick to pull away. It really wasn't in my imagination now, it was becoming a smoke screen of something or someone, which changed the whole dynamics of our relationship.

A few days later, I had this compelling urge to explore the past few months, where our relationship had become one big mess basically. I realised that I was a woman on her own, thirteen hours for three days, ten hours for two days and the remainder of the week, with Elly, only in body. There was no emotional, soulful or mindful Elly anymore, Elly was elsewhere and certainly not with me.

You could say, I had too much time on my hands and you are right I did, but thank the Lord I did, as the following two weeks would be one of the most traumatic and saddest moments of my life.

It was Elly's suggestion, that this specific week, I should have the car to explore more and attend the two interviews I had managed to arrange. They were not my choice of post but never the less, two jobs I knew I was more than qualified to do and potentially earn money. Having the use of the car, couldn't have come at a better time. I asked Elly how she would get home and she said, "no worries, I'll grab a lift from a friend". Elly was not particularly interested in the interview's I had landed , but showed enough enthusiasm to make herself feel a show of support.

I drove Elly to work each morning and used the car for both interview's, which I didn't accept either of them, as they were commission based post's, not a secure salary as I had hoped for and to be honest, I wasn't going to take either of the jobs, as I had more important issues right now, that I had to get to the bottom off.

Having the car was the most crucial tool I had, to enable me to find this nagging component, which was haunting the very essence of a normal life with Elly.

Each day, I drove to where Elly worked, around the time her day ended, where I would park the car some distance from where she would come out.

On the Monday evening, Elly got in to her friends car and sure enough came straight home. I took the short cut home, arriving back before Elly would with her friend.

Tuesday evening, the same again, Elly arrived home safe and sound. Wednesday evening, well, this was a different scenario, who do I see picking Elly up, only her very close friend Katy, a strange occurrence as Elly never mentioned to me that Katy was picking her up. This time I followed them, some way back of course, so that I wouldn't be noticed hopefully, I wasn't even nervous, I felt a sad yet inevitable conclusion, I was in actual fact, feeling a sense of relief at this very moment, an answer to the millions of questions running through my head. The car pulled in to a well known national park in the area, where the scenery is beautiful, a lake and peaceful picnic areas, where Katy's car stopped. My heart too for one second stopped also, I knew straight away without any doubt in my mind, that Elly and Katy were more than just close friends. I was in a position above them on a hill, where I was secluded enough not to be seen, but close enough to observe the next twenty minutes of intense heartache. Sure enough, an exhibition of two people, embracing each other, kissing like there was no tomorrow, the exchange of touching and caressing between them both, was too much to bare. I had seen enough, I began to cry, my tears blurring my vision, I wiped them as best I could, only to see through the rivers of my tears, Elly and Katy remaining locked in each others embrace.

Although I wanted to drive away, I needed to see where they both went next, I turned the car around, literally on a sixpence or even a dime, I had to be prepared for when Elly decided to leave for home.

As I turned the car around, Katy's car had already started to leave the area, I could see the car in the distance, so I slowly kept back from Katy's car and stayed with them. Katy's car was heading back towards our home, along the straight, so I had to be further back, as Elly would for sure, recognise her own car behind. As our cars got closer to our home, Katy's car stopped, I too came to a halt and Elly got out of the car but not before leaning towards Katy and kissing her passionately. Elly closed the car door, waved to Katy with a hand gesture on her left chest, as to say, I love you.

At this stage I felt sick, I slumped back in my seat, staring at Elly, as she began to walk the rest of her loved up journey home.

Now for my entrance, how do I handle this one, where the hell do I begin.

I pulled up outside the trailer, where for a few seconds, not even a minute, I had to compose myself and try very hard to think quickly, how I was to approach all of this nightmare, that had just unfolded right in front of my eye's. My time slot was up, no time to think right now. I got out of the car, to be greeted with open arms by Elly, she was so over the top, the Elly I knew from recent times, was all of a sudden the warm, nice, loving Elly, in actual fact, the one I first met. I too embraced the situation, smiling like a love sick kid, acting the part, so that Elly would not realise, that I had just witnessed the ultimate betrayal.

That night was full of laughs and warmth, I saw a different Elly, the one I had met at the start. I played along as though nothing had happened and to my amazement, I soaked up all of Elly, what I mean is, I held on to the way Elly was with me right then, it made me happy in a bizarre way, when really I wanted to burst with emotion and disappointment, yet I remained calm and accepting of it all, as I knew tomorrow was going to be another day.

We went to bed as usual and due to the moment of Elly's wonderful mood, we made love. Again, pretty bizarre and un-rational in the circumstances, but deep down, although the experience was in my head staged, I still felt a sense of, "one last time". A crazy thought pattern I know, but I loved Elly and thought that maybe I could place something inside her head, which would make her realise, I was the one she loved and wanted to be with. Again, it really is not naivety, I felt so desperate to hold on to us.

That morning, Elly went to work as usual, she was still in a great mood, hey she would be, she had me, the English housekeeper with financial backing and the mistress, who kept her topped up with excitement and secrecy, what more could she ask for.

I kissed Elly goodbye, looking in to those dark, deep brown eye's, knowing the truth behind her deceit and betrayal. Once again, I smoothed over the pain I felt inside, by showing Elly, all was well.

Elly left and I was alone.

It took me all of twenty minutes to decide what to do and I really needed help. I had invested everything in to this relationship, emotionally, mentally and financially, but I always had my b plan, oh yes, throughout my life, the b plan is a back up contingency, where if, an unlikely event occurs, I am able to re-group and take another path without too much disruption.

I made a phone call to the most trusted friend I had, this was Becky my ex partner. Our friendship was a blessing in disguise, a shame of course, we didn't make it as partners, but never the less, Becky and I remained best friends and this was more valuable than our broken relationship.

I made the transatlantic call to Becky, where she answered straight away. Becky knew by the tone of my voice, there was something not right, I explained the whole story as it was, where Becky being Becky, reacted not too well, a few choice words were literally shouted down the phone, where I actually smiled, as it felt so comforting, Becky understood in her own way, the extent of what was going on, she realised the seriousness of my words, understanding I had no familiar back up. Becky and Lauren, would be with me within two weeks, thank God.

After a one and half hour telephone call, thank goodness for phone cards, the stage was set, to make my quiet but strategic exit. It all sounds pretty clinical I know, but believe me, I was terrified of the prospect of feeling a fool, losing Elly and changing my life all over again, what a fool to believe I could have had so much love and begin a new life, so far away with a woman who I thought truly loved me.

The following two weeks were, tense to say the least, mentally I was so alert, yet my heart was so sad. I asked Elly if it would be ok if Becky and Lauren could visit us for a week, to my surprise, Elly jumped at the prospect of seeing them both again. This was a breakthrough, as stage one went in to effect. I rang Becky and sure enough, the flights were booked that day, Becky was coming to stay, where New York was going to be painted red for one week only.

Elly continued to be up beat, let's face it, she would be, her secret rendezvous was becoming a regular occurrence. Elly didn't have a clue I knew anything, nor of my intentions, which although I felt at times just as bad as Elly, I couldn't bring myself to discuss the situation and to be open with Elly. I had gone through so much, the drinking, odd pinching times, lack of attentiveness, no warmth, lack of conversation, ignorance, meaningless intimacy, taken for granted, but to mention a few and most of all, betrayal.

It was enough for me to realise, Elly was not the person I had met and to be fair, perhaps I was not the person for Elly, but I would never had made the most monumental step that I had, if I knew Elly was going to be unfaithful. I had made a huge commitment, I wouldn't dream of looking at another person, I am a faithful person, I'm not perfect by far, but I have and always will be faithful to a partner, it is one part of me, that I believe is a must.

It was a sad and gut wrenching few days, I had placed so much faith in Elly, only to be used for the sole purpose it seemed, for financial support, with the added, as and when I was required. I was surrounded with so much sadness, yet for want of a better word, calculated planning, began to take it's toll on me, I forced myself to push through each day until Becky arrived, knowing Elly remained up beat and secretly visiting Kate, yes Kate, the woman who seemed to have what it takes to attract Elly away from me. I was bursting with frustration, but no anger. I questioned myself over and over again, where is my anger, the emotion which builds, where you confront the person or situation, in order to vent your facts and views, or make them try to understand how hurt you really are, or even in some cases, show you care so much for them, what they are doing, is not right.

No, I felt no anger, I had exhausted trying with Elly, I was done and because of this, I had nothing left to give nor be angry about, I had lost Elly, my home and a future in America.

There was one thing in my life though, that actually was the most important, my mum. I was supported by my best friend, sister, other family members and friends, but my mum was my mentor. My mum taught me many things, along with an emotion called love, well she taught me a lot of things, to which like most, I still did them my way of course, but love is a huge emotion I treasure, perhaps I wore my heart on my sleeve too much, which resulted in my downfall, yet I channelled so much more than love with Elly, I simply have to retreat and accept that I am not the woman for Elly.

The day had arrived, where Becky's plane was arriving in JFK airport in one hour, inside, I felt ecstatic, excited, apprehensive, tense, happy and most of all, I was granted parole, my release was immanent, dramatic I know, but believe me, although the sentence was short, it really felt like a life time. It really was for the latter part of our relationship an endurance test, a part of my life that I didn't want to repeat ever again. I was a woman who was forty something, who had established her career, became financially stable, fell for an American woman, took a leap of faith, channelled all she had in to this one woman, only to be reduced to nothing, I really mean nothing, no job, no home, no partner and no future.

I had a B plan, remember I always have a back up, I felt it was a sensible part of my make up, always think, if the first path you take is a dead end, take another, thank the Lord, I had some sense to do this.

Elly and I got in the car and drove to pick up Becky with Lauren. The journey was about thirty minutes, maybe a little more due to traffic, where the conversation was light hearted, funny and so false. There was me covering the inevitable plan and Elly with her deep rooted secret. This next week was going to be a test of the strongest, how I was going to do this, was anybodies guess.

As the huge double doors at the arrivals gate opened, a beam of light burst through them, this light was the smile of my best friend Becky. Becky's smile was the most endearing welcome I had experienced in a while, I felt safe again, I knew that my life would be happy again, that she was here to take me home where I belong.

The feelings I had at this very moment, over spilled when I ran to Becky and flung my arms around her, holding her so tight and whispering, "thank you for coming to get me", she replied, "your safe now, I'm bringing you home". With this, I went over to Lauren and hugged her too, she after all, had made this journey with Becky and I felt thankful to Lauren also.

Elly waited until the hugs had finished and Becky went to Elly, hugging her tightly, smiling away, joking around as Becky does. Becky in actual fact meant the tight hug, I mean non of Becky's endearing ways with Elly were false, she genuinely cared for Elly but realised that her involvement, was delicate and although she knew the extent of the situation, she was being courteous to Elly for inviting them over to stay with us. I genuinely wanted the next week to be an eventful one, I mean, fun for Becky and Lauren, they had taken their holiday allocation and were going to spend a lot of money, therefore, this was going to be a holiday of a lifetime.

The following days ahead, were full of fun, conversation, laughs, as though no issues were apparent at all. Even Becky said to me, she couldn't believe the situation was so bad and she saw no indications from Elly, that would suggest otherwise. Elly was charming and full of fun, a far cry from what I had experienced, just for a moment I felt such a fraud, Elly was back to the person I had met, Becky and Lauren were seeing the original Elly, not the two timing, lying, drunken woman, but to mention a few, that I had endured all this time.

It seemed, that when Elly had to act her way through, she would deliver an Oscar winning performance and she did.

Again, I questioned myself, wondering if this period of time in Elly's life, was purely a phase, someone was paying her attention and flattery got the better of her. I then began to process the lying, drinking, betrayal, ignorance, cruel behaviour and the lack of attentive conversation, all of this was too much to even dissect, my mind was made up for sure, I didn't belong in Elly's world and yet I still loved her.

It was the day before I was to leave America and return home. It was a day to remember, we all went to New York city, visited Empire State building, Ellis Island the Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, where once again my heart was sad, yet proud and respectful of this wonderful city.

We ate lunch in an American Diner in Madison Square Gardens, oh yes, we did it all, well as much as our feet would allow. The smells, bright lights and yellow cabs, certainly never fail to impress. I had seen all of this and so much more but you can never see enough of New York city, it continues to excite and impress, always holding new and appealing temptation, for the next time you visit, basically it is impossible to see all of New York city in a day, but you can cover a whole lot of ground. New York for me, is going to be a memory I will always hold so dear, it is a world of wonder and to experience all of this, is a privilege, not a given.

We returned back to the trailer, I did call it home, but for a brief time, it really was, but now it is going to be a distant memory.

After a coffee and cream cheese bagels, it was time to hit our pillows, Becky, Lauren and myself, knew the day ahead, Elly on the other hand, it was just another day at the office. Becky and Lauren said there goodnight to Elly, where it was a sad farewell, Elly knew that they were both returning back to the UK in the morning and Elly would have left for work before they had to get up, but Elly had no idea, that I too, would be the extra passenger and on her return, I would be gone also.

Morning came so quickly, the day in New York city took it's vengeance on our sleep, Elly and I slept like a log, quite surprising for me, I thought I would be tossing and turning unable to sleep, but quite the opposite.

Elly was tired and I understood how quiet she was, hardly speaking to me, brushing past me quickly to get her bag ready for work. I asked Elly if she would like breakfast, her answer in a sharp swift voice, was "no, you know I don't have time", infact she had thirty minutes before she left for work and usually she would have something. I sensed Elly was slipping back in to her non charming way, where Becky and Lauren were not in sight, so it was back to, let's be nasty to Shar again.

I wanted to try and leave with some form of calm and endearing note, a fat chance of this, Elly was on a mission to finalise my fate, by being the person she had been for some time, the whole week was an act, a facade to impress others and hide the real Elly. Elly said to me, "I'm going now, tell Becky and Lauren, to have a safe journey home", I replied, "you have another twenty minutes yet, sit with me and hold me", this was a last ditch attempt to hold Elly and in my head say, effectively goodbye. Elly, kissed me on the cheek and said, "see you later, I have to go", I replied, "Elly, I do love you, why are you going so early", Elly replied, "I have to pick one of the girls up this morning", I replied, "who", she replied, "the new girl, that starts today", I replied, "oh, you never said", Elly replied, "I don't tell you everything" with a rye smile, this for me was yet another sharp, hard hitting blow, Elly for the first time was telling the truth, she didn't tell me everything. Elly again, kissed me on the cheek and said, "see you later", actually no, Elly wouldn't see me later.

Elly got in to the car, reversed in to the road and drove off, not even looking back.

I knew in my heart, that Elly was not going to pick up a new girl at all, in actual fact, it was to spend time with her guilty pleasure.

The reason I knew this was, that on every Monday morning, her work has a training morning for the senior staff, where other members of staff, can go in to work one hour later, I think Elly forgot that I was a little more astute than what she thought, so this was the final drop of cement, that solidified, I was making the right decision, to go home and leave Elly, to her life without me, in it.

My whole posture slumped, I leaned forward with my hands covering my face and quietly said, "goodbye Elly".

I felt nothing, really absolutely nothing, Elly had made her feelings quite clear, what more did I need to clarify that I was doing the right thing. I had one focus for the next five hours and that was to make sure, I was on that plane to the UK.

Becky, Lauren and myself, frantically packed our cases, bags and condensed all of my personal nik naks, souvenirs and anything else I could shove in my case I could. I had to leave the unimportant odd stuff behind, as we were conscious of the weight restrictions, therefore, I had no choice but to leave some of me behind, which I'm sure would be on the next yard sale.........this thought was a flippant one right then and although on reflection, was my way of getting through this whole mess.

While Becky and Lauren were finishing packing and making sure they had everything of theirs, I placed a fair few hundred dollars on the kitchen counter, all labelled as to what I was paying for. I felt that it was only fair to pay towards the monthly bills, even though I wasn't going to be there, I also had ended my cell phone contract, where I left also, the remaining balance of this, in all, I had left my share of the bill money and a little more. I really didn't have to leave any money, as since I arrived in America, I paid for, a new air conditioning unit, new grill, varnish, paint, outside garden furniture and much more. At the time, it was a part of our life, it was for us, but now, I will neither see or have the benefit of any of this again.

I had worked hard to make our life better in so many ways, giving so much love and support, yet it obviously wasn't enough.

I stood in the kitchen staring, with flashing thoughts of what could have been and once again, I began to feel so sad, I could believe it was happening, yet never thought it would. In that New York minute, it was back to normality, none of this was happening, it was a serile moment, where my mind had blocked out the urgency of getting to the airport to go back home, until Becky shrieked, "Shar, come on, move yourself, the taxi will be here in five minutes", with this sudden bolt at the back of my neck, I jumped to attention, once again, I was back to gathering all of my stuff, scanning for any bits I had left unpacked, I checked I had my passport, money and all that I needed, this is it, I'm leaving and Elly has no idea, the extent of the strategic and methodical planning, I had put in to place, to make my swift but sad exit.

The taxi arrived on time, thank the Lord, all was going well, however, the next forty minutes, were a story of their own.

An American man, about seventy years old, bent over, slow in walking, coughing so loud and deep, dressed for, well I really don't know, certainly didn't instil any confidence in us at all, his ripped jumper, creased trousers, shoes with holes in them, greasy hair, yellow teeth and dirty hands, was a sight to behold. The three of us stopped in our tracks for a brief moment, rudely staring at this man, who was driving us to the airport, which in traffic, was around forty five minutes, oh my Lord, will this man be alright to get us there safely ???????

Becky said to me, "come on, load the cases in the back, let's go". With this, Lauren and I loaded our cases in the back of the large taxi, which as the door opened, a disgusting draft of stale unpleasant smell, came from within the taxi, it was breathtaking. The three of us knew we had no time to cancel this taxi and although the stench and look of the taxi and driver were so undesirable, we had no choice but to endure the next forty five minutes, with our heads sticking outside the window and placing ourselves away from the unidentified stains on the seats, I dread to think what they were and I really didn't want to know, eeewwwww.

My mind at this time, was consumed with this drive to the airport, I was tense and prayed we would get to the airport on time without any problems, well they had already started, but we were coping as best we could.

All I was thinking about was how my clothes would smell once we had got out of the taxi, how I so wanted to wash my hands and face at the airport, freshen myself up before boarding the plane.

The driver of the taxi was driving so slow, then accelerated to a speed, where we were in fear of our lives, he would steer towards the verge, correct himself then sway in to the middle of the road.

The driver then, slows down, reaches for his cell phone, dials a number, begins to speak in a southern American accent, the most he had spoke since he picked us up, all I got when he arrived was a few grunts and yeah.

At this stage, I was in two minds as to whether I should ask him to get a move on, but knowing his erratic driving ethic, I looked at Becky, where I saw the fear and confusion in her face, Lauren on the other hand, looked terrified and I'm not surprised, this man was so unpredictable, I really had to choose my words and tone.

I plucked up the courage, once he had finished on the phone, to say, "excuse me, but we have to be at the airport in twenty five minutes, please would you speed up", with this he grunted, then without warning, put his foot flat on the accelerator, where we fell back in our seats.

This was now a situation, where the three of us, were concerned. We sat back in our seats, constantly looking at each other, trying to understand what the hell was going on. This driver was either too old or didn't care one bit for the safety of his passengers, we were in the hands of a maniac, who for at least twenty minutes, was driving at high speed, literally swaying from side to side. We were holding on to our seats, our eyes wide open with shock. I had no choice but to say to the driver, "please slow down, this is ridiculous, you are scaring us", the driver shouted, as he had to, the taxi was so loud inside, "you told me to put my foot down, so I did, what do you want fast or slow", I replied, "please just get us to the airport safely, at a reasonable speed", he replied, "hey I've been driving for years, don't worry, I'll get you there on time". With this, he slowed down, enough to ease our blood pressure levels. I couldn't believe this man was not stopped by a state trooper, not one traffic police car was to be seen.

I knew we had only ten minutes until we reached the airport and how relieved we all were, when we saw the huge sign of JFK. I reassured Becky and Lauren, that we had arrived. I have to say, I have never seen Becky with a face that spelt out fear, Becky is normally fearless, but that forty five minutes was one of the most terrifying situations, all three of us have been placed in.

The driver, screeched to a halt outside departures, he got out of the taxi, flung open our doors, went to the back of the taxi, flung open those doors, then grabbed our cases and flung them on to the tarmac. I rushed to stop him, for one reason and one reason only, I said to the driver, "hey stop, what are you doing, please, they are our cases, please treat them with some form of respect", with this he stopped and replied, "ok ma'am, get them yourself". At this point I was so upset and angry, I treat everyone with respect and tend to compromise in difficult situations, but this particular moment was not one of them. We got the remaining cases out of the back of the taxi, we cleared them away from the taxi, ready to wheel through the huge departure doors.

The taxi driver yelled, "hey, you need to pay me", I replied, "hey, please don't speak to me like that and I will pay you", I walked up to this old smelly rude man, pulled half the amount of the total cost I owed for the taxi fare, I handed him the money, where he said, "hey that's half, where's the other half", I replied, "with the greatest of respect, I owe you no more than this, do you really think that you can put us through what you have, speak to me like you did, your personal hygiene is much to be desired, the taxi is disgusting and you had no respect for our safety whatsoever", with this he replied, " you bitch, you got a free ride", I replied, "no sir, I paid you more than what it was worth". The driver got in to the taxi and drove off at speed.

My saying has always been, "what goes around, comes around", I hope one day, the taxi driver will look back on this and realise his days of driving as a whole, are over, if not, then the safety of others and himself are numbered for sure.

Oh, back to us, the three stooges, laden with luggage and a huge plane to catch back to the UK, so a race against time. The three of us grabbed the luggage, loaded it on to a trolley and threw ourselves in to action. The huge departure doors opened, where we focused solely on getting to the right departure gate.

We found our correct gate, panting furiously, this was a combination of rushing and temporary anxiousness, where we knew speed was of the essence. Success, we had checked in, luggage tagged and we were literally on the home straight. We were so pleased with ourselves, that there was still time to grab a coffee before boarding our plane. we leisurely sat down with our drinks and for the first time, without any intense panic.

The three of us, were pretty quiet, no real conversation, just the odd comments about the airport and the sheer size of it's grandeur, small talk sometimes is enough, as realising the extent of our planned operation had drained our bodies and mind, our mission, was complete.

The hustle and bustle of 100's of people, was at times, pretty deafening, our eye's and ears were so alert to the surround sound of different languages, accents and emotions, where attention was needed to listen for the announcement of our plane boarding, the digital flight board, constantly changing the time of our flight.

Just then, my phone rang, I looked on the screen to see who it was, my heart raced, it was Elly, I immediately clicked accept and said, "hello", the voice of Elly came across sad, yet not surprised, Elly replied, "Shar where are you", I replied, "I am at JFK, ready to board a plane back to the UK", a pause from Elly, then she replied, "please Shar, don't go, please come home, I will come and get you now", Elly didn't sound convincing enough, it was as though the words were forced, so as to sound concerned and come across meaningful and true, unfortunately, it really was too late, Elly's words were not enough and to be honest, nothing would ever change, nor could I quite frankly, erase Elly's actions. I replied, "Elly, thank you for the experience of living in New York, meeting your wonderful family and the feelings I had for you will always stay with me, but you know why I am leaving and I hope your family know the truth also, as this is none of my doing, you betrayed me, knowing the journey I had made and the sacrifices I was prepared to make to be with you, the rest is best left unsaid". With this, Elly replied, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen, thank you for the money you left, you are such a kind, genuine person, I am a fool, will you ever forgive me", with this, I knew I was doing the right thing, to return home and start all over again. I replied to Elly, "Elly, forgive you, perhaps in time, forget, no, I will never forget, I really thought you and I would make a go of us, but you certainly made sure we would fail, I love you, but this also in time will fade, I wish you well and hope for you, you don't mess up again, as that would be a hat trick Elly, take care, goodbye", Elly replied, "Shar I do love you, you do know that don't you", with this I put the phone down. Tears began to swell in my eye's, not because I would miss Elly, but that I was such a fool to believe, to give so much, sacrifice all I had, to put everything on the line, where I thought deep down, Elly and I could be happy, another case of wearing my heart on my sleeve, a decision I made with the heart and not the mind. For me, it has been a part of my life, where I have been overwhelmed, happy, content, privileged, humble, excited, hopeful, scary, unhappy, bewildered, destroyed, fun, but above all, my faith in new hopes and dreams have been shattered.

All I ever wanted, was to believe I could really be happy again.

Faith of any kind, is shared by many people, who are inspired by others to believe and hope for something or someone, to engulf their entire life, to offer them a sanctuary of purpose, to share a common ground, where hope, security and love on their own, are powerful tools to enrich the soul. Faith can come in to our lives and surrounds us, to ensure our belief is channelled only to this.

When a faith is challenged for what ever reason, it is only ourselves that can choose to remain faithful.

THE END

About The Author

My name is Kim Clarke, I was born in a small town in the UK, in the sixties. I was privileged to be part of a loving & devoted family, who taught me the meaning of strength, love & respect for one another.

I grew up with many good friends around me, although at times, there were cruel kids, who made my life uncomfortable, due to their own insecurities, but with the support of my family and friends, I did manage to keep some dignity and surround myself with all the positive's, something I was mindful of, that the other kids did not have.

I have worked all my life, within the Administration/Service sector, where my posts have placed me in a high pressure environment and crucial decision making, along with the most humbling of situations.

My life has been colourful, challenging & somewhat diverse to say the least, considering my family conditioning, but in my later years, I have become to realise, the most simple things in life, really are enough.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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