( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: WELCOME BACK.
MY GUEST TONIGHT, HE IS IS SUPREME LEADER OF THE NATION OF WADIYA, AND HIS NEW FILM IS
CALLED "THE DICTATOR."
>> WE'RE JUST TWO ORDINARY AMERICAN TOURISTS.
>> I LOVE BEING AN AMERICAN.
>> AMERICA IS NUMBER ONE.
>> 9/11.
>> 9/11 IT'S THE BEST.
>> I SAID 9/11, 2012.
(SCREAMING).
>> Jon: PLEASE WELCOME ADMIRAL GENERAL ALADEEN.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> YOU'RE OKAY.
YOU KISS MY RING.
>> Jon: I DID.
THE RING IS NOT....
>> I JUST....
>> Jon: MY SALIVA IS VERY CAUSTIC.
I HAVE A DISEASE.
>> YOU HAVE HERPES?
LAST TIME I WENT ON UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT HERE FROM THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT I THINK HIS
NAME WAS KEVIN.
HE GAVE YOU IT TOO.
>> Jon: YES, SIR, TOO.
HE GIVES EVERYBODY HERPES.
THAT'S WHY THE SERVICE IS SO GOOD.
WOULD YOU CARE FOR A SEAT?
>> NO PROBLEM.
YOU ASK WHATEVER YOU WANT.
NO PRESSURE.
>> Jon: HELLO.
THESE ARE YOUR GUARDS, I GUESS.
>> THESE ARE MY VIRGIN GUARDS.
I HAVE 25 OF THEM.
THEY ARE CHECKED FOR THEIR VIRGINITY EVERY NIGHT BY THE HEAD OF MY PENIS.
NO, THEY ARE.
>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND.
DOES YOUR PENIS HAVE LIKE...
YOU PUT A MINER'S LIGHT ON THERE.
>> GOOD, FINALLY SOMEBODY ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY PENIS.
I WAITED SO LONG TO COME TO AMERICA, FLY ALL THE WAY HERE TO HAVE YOU ASK ME QUESTIONS
ABOUT MY PENIS.
PLEASE.
SO ASK AWAY.
IT IS LIKE A LITTLE MOUSE.
YOU WON'T FEEL IT.
WHEN I DO A SEX ACTIVITY WITH YOU LATER.
I'M NOT A HOMOSEXUAL.
IT'S MORE OF A POWER TRIP FOR ME.
>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND.
>> HUMILIATION OF YOU.
IN JEST.
PLEASE, PLEASE, RELAX.
>> Jon: WHAT KIND OF ACTIVITY....
>> DON'T WORRY.
YOUR FAMILY IS SAFE.
THEY ARE HAVING A GREAT TIME.
>> Jon: ARE THEY....
>> YOUR SON IS LEARNING A LOT.
>> Jon: OKAY.
THE... WE'LL KEEP IT THIS WAY.
>> MAYBE YOU DON'T TOUCH THE GUN.
>> Jon: I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO OFFEND IN ANY WAY OBVIOUSLY.
YOU'RE VERY GRACIOUS TO BRING YOURSELF AND YOUR DLGTS.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Jon: YOU'RE VERY WELCOME,
SIR.
LES NOT MINCE WORDS.
YOU'VE LOST KING JONG IL DEAD.
QADDAFI DEAD.
OSAMA BIN LADEN DEAD.
WHO DO YOU PLAY CARDS WITH NOW?
WHO DO YOU PLAY BRIDGE WITH NOW, WITH THOSE GENTLEMEN GONE?
>> RICK SANTORUM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE HIM DESPITE HIS LIBERAL VIEWS.
BUT YOU ARE RIGHT.
ALL THE BIG ONES ARE GONE.
HUSSEIN, QADDAFI, CHENEY.
YOU KNOW, I LOST THESE FRIENDS.
I MISS THEM.
QADDAFI, I MISS YOU.
I MEAN, QADDAFI, I MISS YOU.
>> Jon: I UNDERSTAND.
HE WAS PURSUING, IF I MAY-- AND AGAIN THIS IS VERY SENSITIVE.
>> PLEASE, PLEASE.
>> Jon: WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION.
NUCLEAR WEAPONS.
BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS.
THIS TYPE OF THING.
YOU'RE A PEACE-LOVING MAN.
YOU HAVE ALWAYS SPOKEN OF YOUR LOVE OF PEACE.
>> NOT REALLY BUT CARRY ON.
>> Jon: TRYING TO BE GENTLE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU WITH NUCLEAR WEAPONS?
WHEN DO YOU HAVE PLANS TO HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON?
WHAT IS THE TESTING SITUATION LIKE IN YOUR COUNTRY RIGHT NOW?
>> LISTEN.
JON, JON, JON.
>> Jon: JON.
>> JON IT'S JON.
>> Jon: YES, WITHOUT AN H.
>> LISTEN.
I DON'T HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON.
WINK, WINK.
I'M WINKING BECAUSE I AM LYING.
THE ONE YOU SHOULD BE CAREFUL OF IS NORTH KOREA.
THEY ARE YEARS AWAY DEVELOPING A BOAT CAPABLE OF REACHING JAPAN.
OBVIOUSLY IT WILL DEPEND ON THE WINDS AND THE TIDES.
THEY HAVE RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER THOUGH.
IT IS TERRIBLE.
YOU STAND DOWNWIND FROM KIM JUNG ON.
IT'S UNBEARABLE.
I AM BUYING 300,000 ROLLS.
>> Jon: TO BRING BACK TO HIM AS A BEAUTIFUL GIFT.
THAT IS VERY NICE.
DO YOU EVER SHAVE YOUR BEARD OR IS THAT JUST... IS THAT IN YOUR COUNTRY THAT IS CUSTOM?
>> THIS IS MY... I DON'T SHAVE THIS BEARD, NO.
>> Jon: YOU JUST LEAVE IT.
>> DO YOU EVER SHAVE YOUR BEARD?
>> Jon: NO.
>> YOUR BEARD THERE.
>> Jon: MY PENIS HAS NO BEARD.
>> SHOW ME.
SHOW ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: NO BEARD.
>> NO BEARD.
>> Jon: THOSE ARE WHAT WE CALL MUTTON CHOPS.
>> NOT SO MUCH.
>> Jon: YOUR EXCELLENCEY, IS THAT EVEN THE WAY TO SAY IT?
MR. MAYOR.
SUPREME LEADER.
THE DICTATOR, I KNOW IT'S A WONDERFUL FILM.
YOU ARE WONDERFUL IN IT.
YOU'RE A GREAT ACTOR.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
>> Jon: IT IS IN THE THEATERS ON WEDNESDAY MAY 16.
>> YES, CORRECT.
>> Jon: THANK YOU.
ADMIRAL GENERAL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING WITH US.
ADMIRAL GENERAL ALADEEN,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
