I don't know why anyone gets a pet monkey.
When you get to the monkey level
of pet ownership, have a kid.
Really, I mean, you're so close.
[Audience laughter]
You know, make that little jump.
When you need a pet that can roller skate
and smoke cigars, it's time to think
about a family, don't you think?
I mean, you can't even do anything
with a monkey because monkeys,
he has a leash, you know,
like he's gonna walk it.
But monkeys don't walk anywhere.
Any place a monkey has to be
Yeah, he's already there.
[Laughter]
They just, yeah, he's there,
he's on the wall.
Yeah, he's on your head.
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
They're so wired. Their faces.
That face skin is pulled so tight
it's just, that's the look you have
upon your face when you come that
close to being the dominant species
on your planet and you don't make it.
I was so close, I had the thumbs.
[Audience Laughter and applause]
So I see 'em out the front of the building
walking with the monkey.
It's, I do and it's like, 
they're not walking.
They're, just like, 
"Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah."
He's on some guy's head. Yeah, Yeah.
It's not like a dog.
You can walk any dog.
You take a dog out,
put a leash on him.
He immediately understands it.
You yank that leash,
his body flips up into the air.
Dog never gets upset,
he looks around, like I'm sure
I had that coming to me for something.
I don't know what I did but I'm a dog.
I understand my position.
Not a monkey, boy because, you know,
they're just, I hate being alone with it.
Sometimes if the guy splits and I'm sitting
there on the couch and the monkey is there.
Ever been face to face with a monkey,
just you and him? [Laughter]
You know, you just go, did we go to high
school together? [Laughter]
Or something? I don't know.
Can I get you a banana daiquiri?
I don't know what to say to you.
The only thing we have to say on, like,
behalf of the monkey is they contributed
to the space program. Monkeys were the first
Astronauts which did, I'm sure, come as
great news in the monkey world.
Sure that made perfect sense to the monkey.
Actually, instead of the little "Bell Hop" uniform,
you want me to blast off and orbit the earth
at supersonic speed. [Laughter]
'Cos I've been working with the Italian Guy
and the Crank Organ.
I feel I can handle the Maximum G forces.
