[Martha]:There's a rumor going around that Trevor Holt has the biggest... you-know-what.
[Drew]:Skiiiip
Youtube, stop showing me this ad
I don't wanna download Hooked
Anyway, now I can watch my video
[music]
(Internal voice): What'd they mean his "you-know-what?" I don't know what! And frankly, I don't appreciate the assumption that I would.
Whatever. I'm not gonna let this ruin my day off. I'm having a great time. So I'm just gonna enjoy my video
I'm not gonna think about the weird app and their cryptic language
I don't need to figure it out- [OUT LOUD] Oh they were talking about his dick!
Oh okay, I get it now.
Now, Hooked is very good at advertising
I have downloaded the Hooked app multiple times
and I always delete it, because it's never what I was expecting.
I am seeing so many ads for Hooked and so many different types of ads. They're really trying everything. It started with the stories
I've seen them kind of do, like, FaceTime versions of that, but they're acted really poorly
But this one's the first I've seen that has this level of production to it
It almost doesn't feel like the same app at all
It feels like I'm seeing an ad for, like, a new Netflix show
but one that's also porn.
Like this is very much the beginning
of
a porn
And because of that
I think it pretty much goes without saying
That I did download the app again. Cuz I had to see what the dick-- what the app is all about.
So the first thing that happens when you download the Hooked app
is they ask you if you want a scary story or a romantic story.
Because those are the only two types of stories. So obviously I picked romantic because I'm invested in what's going on with Trevor
And if you do that, here is what happens.
They immediately start playing the story they know that you came here for.
Which is great, um
But it cuts off
right as it's panning down.
They cut you off and say no, no, no, no, no
If you want to see that, you gotta sign up. Well, that's fine. I'll just sign up to a membership.
And look I'm getting seven days free!
And then after that, it's only
$4.99 a week. *Explosions because of how insane that is*
Are you kidding?
That's like $250 for the year. Don't worry though
There is a more cost-effective way to sign up for a year of the Hooked app.
If you do a whole year all at once, it's only $40.
Which sure, in comparison to $250.
Yeah, I guess that's better. A monthly subscription is $15.
So you're telling me I could either spend
$15 a month on
Netflix and watch every show and every movie or I could spend the same price on this, the Hooked app, but of course
I'm invested. I've seen this ad cut off so many times, I've seen this shot just a few seconds ago
So I have to see what comes right after it
So I'm gonna sign up for the 7 days free so I can at least watch this story and figure it out
and I'm definitely not going to forget that I signed up for a free trial and I'm going to
cancel before they charge me, cuz I've never done that before, where I sign up for a free trial and then forgot
And then paid for HBO Now for 4 months.
I've never done that before
Anyway, let's watch the rest of the story now.
[Martha]: --in school, and
Here he is.
Standing outside my dorm room.
Naked. [music]
[Drew]:Wait, it's the same as the ad?
That I've already seen?
That's what I signed up for?
Oh wait, no, okay, looks like it's about a
15-minute movie.
That's good.
I'm sure this will be entertaining.
[Martha]: What are you doing?
[Drew]:Okay, let me sum up this movie for you. Trevor comes in. He's butt-ass naked
He asked Martha, the main character, to lie to this other girl and say that he's not here, even though he is.
Apparently he's hiding from this girl, because--
[Trevor]:She jumped me in the shower
[Drew]:-- But anyway, Martha hides him.
He's like, 'Thanks for hiding me under your bed. Now I owe you a favor,' and she knows exactly what to do.
[Trevor]:What can I do you for Martha?
[Martha]:*gasp* "Drew Longhorn!"
[Drew]:Drew Longhorn.
[Martha]:Yeah.
Drew Longhorn.
[Drew]:That's the name of her crush. And also the name of my alter ego, who is a cowboy.
[Martha]:I want to kiss Drew Longhorn. [Drew]:hmph, don't we all.
But anyway, he's like, okay. Well, I owe you one
So I'll help you get on a date with Drew Longhorn, and here's how we're gonna do it.
We're gonna show up to a party, and I'm gonna pretend to be your boyfriend, and then he's gonna be jealous
And then he'll want to be your boyfriend...
Wait I just watched a Netflix movie with this same exact plot.
[old lady]:I don't know the first thing about abs.
Unless it's the bloomin' onion at Outback Steakhouse. [Drew]:Speaking of movie clichés, on the way to the party
He's giving her all these pointers about how to get a guy to pay attention to you,
You know, things like, smile at him, make eye contact, and this is all such a foreign idea to her.
WaIT a MINutE
You're telling me all this time, I was supposed to be looking at guys? And giving them a little smile?
Cuz what I was doing was turning my back to him and farting on his face
But this does seem like a better plan.
[both] *ovelapping* "Sure!" "Nah."
[Drew]:now, you're not gonna believe what happens next
I know this is gonna sound crazy but it turns out that Drew Longhorn, the guy she thinks she likes, is
actually a douchebag. So she's very distraught, and as a result this happens:
*clattering noises as she stumbles out of the party*
*ehEhEHeheHeHeH*
*more stumbling and then an EPIC FALL*
Wow, I'm surprised they didn't need to get a stunt double for that fall. That was intense.
*airplane noises*
I'm sorry to spoil the ending for you, but what happens next is that she...
ends up with Trevor!
[Martha]:The guy with the biggest... you-know-what. [Drew]: Isn't that crazy guys? That they ended up together.
I didn't think that they would.
[Martha]: and me,
The Virgin.
[Drew]Um.. It's a cute little movie, I guess
I'm not sure if it warrants its own IMDB page, but that certainly didn't stop them.
The thing is, like obviously, I'm not the target audience for this movie. I could see someone
enjoying this; there's a decent production value. If they made a whole bunch of these and put them on an app,
I could totally see the value in charging a monthly fee, sure, but this isn't what the app is. There's one
video on the whole app and we just watched it.
So even if you loved this short film and wanted to see more, you couldn't! That's it.
You've already watched the entire app.
You gotta read the rest. Which again, there is absolutely value in having unlimited access to what looks like a few hundred short stories?
If the stories are good...?
Um, so let's read a few of them. Literally the first story that I ever read on Hooked
uh, is insane. It's called "Panty Raid," and it's these two guy friends texting each other back and forth
One of them is in a girl's closet
Wait, I just noticed their names are Jim and Roy,
Is the girl's name Pam by any chance?
Oh, here she comes!
What how!!!!??? Just shut up. Yeah, shut up. She's here. She might hear your... texting.
She's just "texting to someone."
Boring!
Relax, Jim! Good lord!
Okay, hold on. He's texting Jim with one hand. He's making sure to text
constant updates, then he's holding the camera with the other hand, and then I guess with his third hand,
That's how he opened the door?
Okay, and then this is where it somehow gets even weirder
I have the camera rolling, (in my third hand) but the shower screen is all fogged up.
Okay, seriously, who is this Jim guy? What the fuck is-- What is this situation?
(Jim is still as horny now as he was earlier.)
So did he say ow, and text ow?
And that's "Panty Raid."
I mean, I'm glad it wasn't a happy ending for Roy, because he was kind of being a perv.
I wish Jim had the same outcome though. I feel like he gets away scot-free.
So... that's kind of a bummer.
The next one I read is called "Poisoned."
And this one has some crazy plot twists.
So, in this one, Eve is texting her friend Bri, concerned,
thinking that her boyfriend is poisoning her because she has all these symptoms, and it only
happens whenever she sleeps over at his house and he cooks her dinner.
Which, okay, let's just say he IS poisoning her right? He's using poison. He's putting poison in her food
Wouldn't she be dead by now?
What kind of shitty-ass poison did this guy buy that it's just giving her a headache?
That's really shitty poison. What, did he buy it from like a garage sale?
Now this is where it's also revealed that Eve is an aspiring author
She's been writing a lot of books throughout the years but none of them have been able to get published
She's still like trying to figure it out
But she's working on a book now
that Dan (her boyfriend) is not too fond of.
So her friend, Bri is like, 'alright, you should go to the doctor, and if they find any
poison in your system, then we use that as evidence against Dan.'
Four hours later:
After four hours?
She's got a good doctor!
He's been putting cyanide in her food?
cYaNiDe? And she's just like getting headaches? I had to double-check this, cuz I was pretty sure she would have died instantly
and yeah if you have cyanide in your system, you'll die in like two minutes.
And she's just "feeling woozy."
But okay, so, we'll just accept that she has cyanide in her system. That's what we're gonna go with here.
Jesus Christ, Eve.
Okay, so what happens next is Dan comes over. He makes her dinner once again, and she's suspicious
of course, so she only
"pretends" to eat the food,
which I guess Dan doesn't notice, that she's pretending to eat
*om nom nom*
[Drew 1]:Mmm! Good sandwich, honey! [Drew 2]:Babe, I can see that you're not actually holding anything
[Drew 1]:Mmm! Yummy sandwich.
[Drew 2]:I made spaghetti.
[Drew]:Occasionally what she does is she takes bites and stores them in her cheeks.
You know, like a squirrel?
so I'm pretty sure now that this is a story about squirrels. So she stores it in her cheeks and then goes to the
bathroom and spits it out into a plastic bag. But before she can hide it, Dan walks in.
[Uh, nothing.]
(laugh track)
Okay, he like barely tried to deny it and then he just left. But we're still going.
It doesn't say 'slow clap' there but i feel like her character would at that moment.
Why? And this right here guys, is the twist of the century.
She killed her friend
to steal her book and take credit for it. Her friend, who is not an established author, who has NEVER WRITTEN
a successful book in her entire career, she killed her, so that she
could say that she wrote the book, and she's going to become rich from the book.
Its...
incredible, it's poetic. It's the perfect crime
Steal a book from someone who's never written a successful book and risk going to jail forever
by doing so. That's...
Amazing. So I guess the question now is, is the Hooked app worth
Fifteen dollars a mon--
No.
I will say, going through all the stories, there were a couple good ones
especially the horror stories tend to be a little bit more engaging than any of the others. Actually the ones with
real human voices voice acting them, those are pretty good. But just like with the story about Trevor
There's only I think three or four of those on the entire app
And that's what they had always used to advertise the Hooked app. They acted like that was the whole app
When, you know, you download it and there's only a couple that are actually like that, and the rest
you gotta read, and are much more boring. To me this just seems like a classic case of "false app advertising."
It's a lot like all those mobile game ads that make it look like it's gonna be some Triple-A console game
for your phone, and then you download it and you realize all they did was animate a fake cutscene to sell the game,
but the actual game looks like this.
I imagine they're making a decent amount of money
I mean they already made $5 from me, cuz I signed up last week and forgot to cancel
Just like I said I wouldn't.
Maybe throw a little bit less money into all this false advertising
and use some of that money to just like, hire more voice actors?
It couldn't be that expensive to have a few people just go through and actually narrate some of these stories
It's not like they're that long. So just do that, and then it wouldn't be false advertising anymore
It would just be... advertising. Final verdict. I give the Hooked app two bottles of poison out of five.
Well with that being said, why don't we hear a word from our sponsor?
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It's a YA novel about a can of beans that comes to.. life...
