-You guys, it's Avengers week.
That's right.
I'm excited.
"Avengers: Endgame"
is almost here,
and I read that it could
make over a billion dollars
in its first weekend.
[ Cheers and applause ]
A billion dollars.
That means after Thanos,
the Avengers' next big enemy
is going to be Bernie Sanders.
[ As Bernie Sanders ]
Tony Stark is in the 1%!
[ Normal voice ]
Speaking of Bernie Sanders,
last night
from 7:00 to midnight,
CNN had five town halls
with five Democratic candidates.
Yeah, five straight hours
of town halls,
which is why Wolf Blitzer
kicked off things by saying,
"Good evening.
I'm wearing a diaper."
[ Laughter and applause ]
That was weird.
-Really?
-But the town halls
were pretty interesting.
Take a look at the beginning
of Bernie's event.
-All right.
How about our first question?
We ready?
-Why not?
-Why not, indeed.
-What else do we have to do?
-[ Laughs ]
That's actually
his campaign slogan.
Bernie 2020.
[ As Bernie Sanders ] Why not?
What else do we have to do?
Why not?
Let's go, let's go.
Hurry up.
What else do we have to do?
[ Normal voice ] Hang on.
Can we see Bernie
in that chair again?
[ Laughter ]
Is that a town hall for Bernie,
or is that
"Weekend at Bernie's"?
What?
[ Laughter and applause ]
But all the 2020 candidates
are on the campaign trail.
And a lot of them have to answer
the same questions
everywhere they go.
So to help everyone out,
we put together each candidate's
most frequently asked questions.
They're kind of fascinating.
For example, first here
is Pete Buttigieg.
He's most often asked,
"Are you lost, little boy?
Where are your mommy and daddy?"
-Wow. That's it?
-These are the most --
-That's the one
he's asked the most. Wow.
-Next, here's Cory Booker.
A lot of times he's asked,
"When is the new
'Fast and Furious' coming out,
Mr. Diesel?"
[ Applause ]
Next up, here's Beto O'Rourke.
He's most often asked,
"What kind of name is Beto?
Are you named after
a rejected Avenger?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
I am Beto!
And finally,
here's Bernie Sanders.
He's most frequently asked,
"Were you mugged
on the way here,
or is that how you always look?"
"Get over here.
Give me your wallet."
Oh, some business news here.
After a rough couple of months,
Kraft Heinz announced
that they're getting rid
of their CEO.
Yeah, and Heinz
is going to get him out
the only way they know how --
flipping him upside down
and whacking him in the butt.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Grunting ]
At least they're not putting
a butter knife in his throat.
Yeah.
[ Audience groans ]
Guys, today is --
Oh, you've done it.
Come on, now.
Today is William Shakespeare's
birthday.
So in honor of him...
I would like to recap some
of today's biggest news stories
in the style of Shakespeare.
All right, here we go.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Slow music plays ]
[ Laughter ]
Mueller, oh, Mueller.
We doth see your report.
But alas, what does it all mean?
Republicans sayeth
it falls much too short,
while Democrats sayeth,
"Yas, Queen."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Avengers: Endgame"
is finally here.
And Thanos is quite
the mean brute.
But thine heroes approach,
so haveth no fear
as I say to myself,
"I am Groot."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Buttigieg, Beto, and Biden
and Bernie.
It's "B" after "B" in the race.
But to Trump, 'tis no one
who seems too concerning.
He's just like,
"Let's go to space."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Kraft Heinz hath a new leader,
it seems, a CEO who's on the up.
Let's hope that the company
he can redeem
from the shadows
of thy Mayochup.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Elizabeth Warren says,
"Free school for all."
And methinks her idea
hath some legs.
So come 2020,
head to class in the fall
and spend all of your money
on kegs.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
-Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
Wow.
-I trained.
-Fantastic.
-I trained for years.
-My God.
-Ah. Listen to this, guys.
A town in England
has been having problems
with aggressive seagulls
on its beaches,
so they brought in a pair of
bald eagles to get rid of them.
It's great.
Now beachgoers
can relax in peace,
knowing that if a seagull
gets too close,
an eagle will swoop in
and murder it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
The kids will never forget it.
[ Seagull squawks ]
Get this -- A pizza restaurant
in Texas was shut down
after people found out they were
putting laxatives in the pizza.
[ Laughter ]
They even had a special deal.
If you're not on the toilet in
30 minutes, the next one's free.
[ Applause ]
