(bright music)
- Hi, and welcome back
to The Lisa Nichols Show
where we spend some time
really transforming our minds,
our hearts, our spirits.
Here with me is a very
special, special person,
friend, colleague, co-creator
in the dream, Mr. Matt Gil.
(clapping)
- What, what, what?
- Woop, woop, woop.
- In the house.
So many times Matt and I
are on live stages together,
or he's behind the cameras directing me
letting me know what you're
saying, reading the comments.
We create curriculum together.
We travel the world together.
So it's super, super
exciting to be here together.
- Yeah.
- And we're doing something special now.
- Reading your comments, your questions.
You guys, what I love about this tribe
and what I love about this community
and what I love about this show
is as you say at the
very end of each show,
this is not a monologue,
this is a dialogue.
- Dialogue.
- And so that's what this
episode is all about,
sharing your comments,
sharing your questions.
- Your questions like now.
- Getting some juicy stuff.
- Getting nitty gritty
into what you wanna know.
- Right.
And so let's just jump right in.
- Yeah, let's jump in, I wanna know.
So this also drives home the importance
of you sharing your comments,
submitting your questions.
So many times, you're
just being talked at.
- Right.
- But this is a conversation with you.
And you actually get to drive this part.
So organic.
I don't study the questions ahead of time.
Matt combs through your
comments and your questions
and decides what he's gonna bring to me,
and then we just shoot off the hip
and give it our best shot.
So comment, submit questions.
- So this question comes from Ursula,
and Ursula asks, what do I
do to improve my self-esteem?
How do I start self-care
when I've convinced myself
that helping others is better?
- So here's the breakthrough, Ursula,
that I don't even think you know you got,
is that you know that convincing yourself
that helping others is
better than helping yourself,
you know that that's dysfunctional.
You know that that's dysfunctional,
that that's an unhealthy way of thinking.
That's why you're asking me.
You're saying, Lisa, I know
this isn't the right way
of thinking, but I keep
thinking this way, help me.
So the first step of change is awareness.
And you actually already
have the awareness.
So often we wanna change our behavior,
but we haven't changed our mindset.
So in order to change our mindset,
you have to recognize the
unhealthy, or dysfunctional,
and I say that with all respect.
We're all dysfunctional.
We just manage our dysfunction
at different levels.
- Right.
- Like when you just
kinda get that, like ah.
The reason why life is so turbulent,
and relationships are so lumpy and bumpy,
'cause we're a bunch
of dysfunctional people
managing dysfunctional relationships,
and there's nothing wrong with that.
And that's becoming at peace
with your imperfection.
I tell people, I'm as
dysfunctional as the rest.
I just manage my dysfunction well.
I just know, I know
that I can be righteous.
I know that my ego can get engaged.
I know that I can be codependent.
I tell people, okay, before
you tell me your problem,
know that I can be codependent.
So please help me manage my codependency
by allowing your problem to stay
your problem. (laughs)
- Your problem. (laughs)
- Help a sister out.
- Right, right.
- And so that's just
managing my dysfunction.
I even laugh at my dysfunction.
I get other people to
laugh at my dysfunction.
So recognizing the dysfunction,
and then calling it out.
'Cause when you don't call it out
and it's all in here, it's
all in here, it's all in here,
when you don't call it out,
that's when it feels
like it's huge, it's big.
But when you go, okay,
so here's my dysfunction.
My dysfunction is I have a tendency
to put other people in front of myself.
I value other people having joy
before I value myself having joy.
Here's my dysfunction.
Okay, so in a relationship
with you as my sister,
or as my brother, or as my lover,
as my husband, as my child,
I'm gonna keep my dysfunction here,
so that it doesn't get here
and I don't forget that I have it.
And then I start living
like I don't have it.
When you get to that level of transparency
and holding yourself accountable, man.
And now it feels emotionally naked.
Let me just say.
But it's freeing.
So the first thing, Ursula, is
to call out your dysfunction.
And call it out to the people
that you're putting in front of you.
Ooh.
Are you willing to do that.
- That, that's a bold move.
- Yeah, because in order
to call yourself out,
call your dysfunction out to
the people that it impacts,
or to the people that's a
part of the dysfunction,
you have to give up four things.
And I'm always going back
to these four things.
You gotta realize that
there's nothing to prove,
there's nothing to protect,
there's nothing to hide,
and there's nothing to defend.
- [Matt] Right.
- We're just human.
And inside the journey called humanity,
I'm gonna have things that
I do that are imperfect.
And so can you, Ursula,
are you willing to,
and I'll give you the
words even, how 'bout that?
(Matt chuckles)
Are you willing to go to
the people that you love,
the people that you put
in front of you and say,
I owe you an apology.
I learned something from my coach.
That's me.
(laughs)
I learned something
from my coach recently,
and that is that the strongest thing
and the healthiest thing I
can do for my own self-esteem
is to acknowledge my greatness,
and my chaos, and my dysfunction.
And there's a way that
I keep myself small.
And I need to come true to you.
I need to come clean with you.
I keep myself small by putting you
and your needs in front of mine.
- Right.
- And in this season,
I love you, and I honor
you, and I wanna serve you,
and I will continue to serve you.
I'm not going anywhere.
But my responsibility to me and to us
is for me to serve myself first.
- [Matt] Right.
- My responsibility to me and to us
is that I serve me first.
Now this is new, and I'm
learning how to do it.
- Right.
- So I need your support.
Here's the good part, oh, my God.
- Write it down.
- Here's the good part.
There will be times where I'll live
like I've forgotten this lesson.
And in those moments, I need your support.
Please remind me that I
committed to putting me first,
so that I can serve you and everyone else
not from my cup, but from my overflow.
(sighs) That's good stuff, oh, my God.
- One of the things that
I remember you saying,
and as somebody who is a server
that likes to serve and
be of service to people.
- I love to serve.
You know that, right?
- Right.
- We have staff meetings at my house,
and I just make it a cooking.
I'm looking at all my team right now.
Like I go, oh, I'ma
cook 'em chicken wings,
and I'ma make salsa, and chips.
And like homemade salsa, and
homemade guacamole, and yeah.
- So one of the key things
that you say is that self-care
is not selfish.
- Is not selfish.
- And that right there was
just like one of those moments
where it's like (impersonates explosion).
- Right, right.
- Because so many times we feel--
- Guilty.
- That we're being, yeah.
- Yeah, feel guilty, like oh, my God.
I used to sneak and get a massage.
As a business owner, I own my own company.
(Matt laughs)
I wasn't even taking a day off.
I be like, I got a meetin'.
- [Matt] Right.
- I got a meetin'.
And I go get a massage,
'cause I felt guilty.
I felt like I was cheating.
It's supposed to be hard always.
I'm supposed to suffer.
(Matt laughs)
Put ash across my forehead and suffer.
It makes me a good person.
It makes me a better person.
The more I sacrifice, I'll
get mines in Heaven, you know?
That's what I was raised believing.
I go, wait a minute.
Abundance, true abundance
is about you getting your flowers now.
It's about not only you
getting your flowers,
but you share your flowers with others.
But you smell them first.
You smell every single one first,
so you can describe how good they smell.
And so often we give away our flowers.
We give away our joy.
We give away our free time.
We're like so irresponsible
at times with our time.
- Right.
- Just give it away, and
then we run out of it.
Oh, there's not enough time in the day.
Yes, it is, you just gave it all away.
You gave 23 hours away and try to keep
an hour for yourself when you needed five.
- [Matt] Right.
- Man, that was a hard
lesson learned, man.
I'm not talking from
a teacher perspective.
I'm talking from a student
who's now become the teacher.
But man, I just had to.
Everything about me is about service,
but I had to be responsible to go,
if I serve you and give
you everything I got,
I just live my life like it
was a race and not a marathon.
This is a marathon.
I wanna be around for the long haul.
- [Matt] Right.
- I wanna be around.
I wanna watch my son's grandchildren.
I wanna be that.
I wanna be like my
grandmother watching my child,
because I reserved something.
I wanna love the story that I'm writing.
I wanna selfishly,
(Matt chuckles)
or not so selfishly love the chapter
of my life called my now.
'Cause in a moment, it's
gonna be my yesterday.
- [Matt] Right.
- It's gonna be my last year.
And man, that's when I can't rewrite it.
- [Matt] Right.
- Do you know what I mean?
- And we're not guaranteed tomorrow.
- No, that's bold.
I realized that acting
like you have next year,
and another year, and another
five years is very arrogant.
That's wild.
- (laughs) That one I know
is touching some people.
- I know I'm kinda gut
punching you, right?
But it's awful arrogant to
assume you got time to wait
to do something that you can do now.
Ooh.
- (chuckles) That's juicy.
- So that's why when I was
writing the book, Abundance,
I didn't just write great
abundance, living in abundance.
- [Matt] Right.
- I put Abundance
Now.
- Now.
- Not later.
Who said you got later?
I'm not saying you're gonna die tomorrow.
I'm not claiming that on your life.
I hope you're here for a long time.
But if you can live every
moment like you only got now,
you'll get off your phone some,
you'll become present with your children,
you'll eat dinner looking up
and asking good questions.
I never ask my son, how was your day?
I say, what did you love about today,
and what sucked about today?
(laughs)
- [Lisa] So I get a better answer.
- Right.
- I get a juicier answer.
And he go, ooh, what I love was this,
and what really suck was this.
- [Matt] Right.
- Okay, now I understand your day.
- [Matt] Right.
- And so, Ursula, no one's gonna come
and rescue you from yourself.
Life isn't doing anything to you.
You are a co-creator in
your life experience.
And if you really wanna serve others,
give them the experience of
watching you be in self-care.
- Right.
- Because someone's looking at you,
following you, and modeling you.
And when you step up and say, hold on,
I owe it to myself to catch my breath
before I give you my oxygen.
Hold on.
Then some little girl, 13,
nine, four,
24, 54,
is gonna say, ooh, (breathes deeply)
you made me take a deep
breath when you did that.
And that is better than
anything you can give her.
- [Matt] Right.
- Is the witness of you
showing up and serving you first.
We don't understand how much
when people witness us
be a stand for ourselves.
So, Ursula, there's nowhere for you to go
to get more self-esteem.
You can't purchase it.
It ain't on Amazon Prime.
You can't Google download it.
There is nothing you can do with it.
You can't swipe left and get it.
It's something that you have in you
that you decide to access and call for.
So there's no go getting
anything, my friend.
You already have it, it's an awareness.
And you have the awareness so much
that you knew to ask this question.
(chuckles)
Hm, watch out for the answer.
- What I love about this particular show
is it's the right message
at the right time.
(Lisa chuckles)
And somebody posted inside of the comments
and they're saying, with
all of the negative things
that are currently circulating
in the news and on social media,
I'm so delighted when
I receive notification
of a new uploaded video on this show.
So thank you.
- You're welcome.
I find myself
always speechless.
I want you to know that
every single comment
lands on my heart.
And
I get the climate we're in.
We're in a funky climate.
But only the best things,
only the best things
have risen from the ashes.
Ain't nothing major coming out of average,
and ordinary, and exemplary.
The best rises from the ashes.
The best comes out of the
Nelson Mandela moments,
the Cesar Chavez moments,
the Mother Teresa moments,
the Mahatma Gandhi moments,
the Martin Luther King moments,
the this moment.
You are coming out of it.
And so I'm grateful,
'cause this is when we
lock arms, hand in hand.
This is when start tapping
into that part of us
we didn't even know existed.
- Right.
- This is when we buckle down
and we find out what we stand for.
Right now.
You don't ask for this gift,
'cause it comes wrapped in sandpaper.
You don't ask for this kind of gift.
It comes wrapped in sandpaper.
But you're wise enough, smart enough,
and brilliant enough to
go, but this is a gift,
'cause who I will become
going through this
and who I am on the other side of this
is not the same person.
And what I love is that we get
to witness that in each other.
- Right.
- 'Cause of social media.
'Cause of online programs like this.
We've been doing this and being
this person for a long time.
We just didn't know it,
'cause we didn't have a way to connect.
- [Matt] Right.
- So I love you.
I love you, and I'm grateful for you.
And thank you for
recognizing my contribution.
Mm, I so love this space
that we get to create.
- Right.
- It shows me the power of intention,
that you're here because you decided
that you wanted to be in a space
and create even more energy.
- Right.
- And so it shows me that as powerful
as negative energy is,
positive energy is more
powerful than that.
- Right.
- And I'm not hokey pokey,
and I'm not woo-woo.
It's just real.
This feeling is real.
- Mm hmm.
And leaves a bigger impact.
- Yes, long-term impact.
So listen, you know this by
now, definitely by this episode,
you know that this show
is not a monologue.
It's not about you just listening
to me, or listening to us.
This show is a dialogue.
It's a conversation between
one, two, 10, 10,000,
20,000 people who wanna think consciously,
be aware, have transformation.
This is that space you come to go,
not only who have I been,
but more importantly, who can I become?
- Right.
- I ask the juicy things.
So I want you to comment.
What was your a-ha?
What was your a-ha?
What was that part of the
answer to the question
that made you go hmm,
or made you go whoa,
breakthrough, out loud?
Please comment, let me know.
Let me know what you felt.
And then inside your comment,
if you got a question,
who knows, we might be picking,
Matt might be picking
that question next time.
Right, and then share.
Share, because if you
already know this answer
that we gave today, and
you're already living with it,
or today you got it, somebody
else is still waiting on it.
They're hoping and praying it comes.
- And if you haven't
subscribed to this channel yet,
subscribe today.
Click the button, subscribe,
and tell your friends about it, too.
- Right, 'cause this is your family.
- Right.
- You already know that.
We're your tribe.
- Right.
- And Matt and I, we're your brother
and sister in prosperity,
and in possibility.
- In possibility.
- And if you haven't
heard it from anyone else,
hear it from us when we
say we believe in you and--
- We love you.
- Because we do.
See you soon.
(lighthearted music)
