>> Stephen: A LOT OF WRITERS
SAY THEY WERE NERDY KIDS,
UNPOPULAR, LIKE OUST CAST OR
THAT SORT OF THING.
WAS THAT YOUR EXPERIENCE GROWING
UP?
>> I THINK THAT'S EXAGGERATING.
I THINK PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY, "OH,
I WAS SUCH A NERD.
I WAS A REBEL.
I SAT IN THE BACK OF THE BUS."
MOST PEOPLE SAT IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE BUS.
THAT'S HOW BUSES WORK
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: DO YOU SIT IN THE
MIDDLE?
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I SAT.
I MEAN, I DID MY HOMEWORK AND
DREAMED OF BEING A BIT OF A
REBEL.
I DID-- I DID A VERY NERDY
VERSION OF REBELLION, WHICH I
GUESS IS SORT OF MY WAY OF
BALANCING WHERE I SAT ON THE
BUS.
WHEN I WAS 14 I GOT IT INTO MY
HEAD THAT I WANTED A FAKE I.D.
AND I COMMITTED WHAT-- THE ONLY
TERM FOR IT IS IDENTITY THEFT TO
GET THIS FAKE I.D.
I NEVER TOLD THIS STORY BEFORE.
THIS IS PRETTY MUCH THE NERDIEST
WAY YOU CAN BE, LIKE, A BAD KID.
I WENT TO THE NEWTON LIBRARY
WHERE I GREW UP, AND I WENT
THROUGH THEIR POLLING RECORDS--
BUCKLE IN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I THINK YOU'VE
ALREADY-- JUST THAT SENTENCE HAS
VIOLATED A FEDERAL LAW.
BUT GO AHEAD.
>> THERE'S A HAND FULL OF THESE.
AND I ACTUALLY TRIED TO GOOGLE
THE STATUTE OF LIMITATIONS ON
THIS BEFORE THE SHOW AND
COULDN'T GET THE WIFI.
I LOOKED UP-- THIS IS TRUE EYE
LOOKED UP SOMEONE THAT WAS 21
YEARS OLD THROUGH THEIR POLLING
RECORDS --
>> Stephen: AND YOU'RE 14.
>> I WAS 14 YEARS OLD.
I LOOKED UP SOMEONE WHO WAS 21
WHO HAD MY SAME FIRST NAME AND
INITIAL BECAUSE I THOUGHT, IF I
GET DRUNK-- I'D NEVER BEEN
DRUNK-- IF I FORGET MY NAME, I
CAN'T GET BUSTED.
SO FOUND SOMEONE WHO WAS NAMED
BENJAMIN J. SOMETHING.
SO I FOUND THIS GUY'S NAME, AND
I THOUGHT IF I CAN JUST FORGE
ALL HIS DOCUMENTS, I CAN GO TO
THE D.V.M., AND SAY I LOST MY
LICENSE, AND THEY'LL GIVE ME A
NEW LICENSE WITH HIS PICTURE.
THIS IS MY PLAN.
SO FIRST I NEED TO KNOW WHERE
HE'S BORN SO I CAN GET HIS BIRTH
CERTIFICATE.
SO I CALL HIS HOUSE.
I ASK FOR HIM EYE DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE-- I GET
HIS BROTHER.
AND I SAY, "I WORK WITH BEN.
WE'RE DOING A CROSSWORD PUZZLE
BASED ON HIS LIFE FOR HIS
BIRTHDAY, AND YOU TELL ME WHAT
TOWN HE WAS BORN IN?"
SO HE TOLD ME, I TOOK THE SUBWAY
THERE, AND I GOT HIS BIRTH
CERTIFICATE YOU.
>> Stephen: WENT TO THE
COUNTY CLERK--
>> THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR I.D.
THEY JUST GAVE ME THIS BIRTH
CERTIFICATE.
THEN I-- THEN I OPENED UP A
MAILBOX IN HIS NAME.
AND WROTE-- I WAS 14.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.
I WROTE TO THE I.R.S.
( LAUGHTER )
AND I FILLED OUT TAX FORMS IN
HIS NAME.
AND THEN I WENT TO THE D.M.V.,
AND I SAID, "I LOST MY WALLET.
I NEED-- THIS IS ALL I HAVE."
AND I LOOKED 14 YEARS OLD.
BUT I HAD THESE DOCUMENTS.
SO THEY SENT ME TO THE BACK ROOM
WHERE THIS WOMAN SIZED ME UP AND
SAID, "I CAN'T GIVE YOU THIS.
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A PICTURE."
AND THEN SAID WITH A WRY SMILE
ON HER FACE, "OPEN YOUR WALLET
RIGHT NOW."
AND LIKE A TRUE METHOD ACTOR,
THE ONLY THING I HAD IN MY
WALLET WAS A LIBRARY CARD I HAD
SIGNED IN HIS NAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND SHE APPROVED IT.
AND FOR THE REST OF HIGH SCHOOL
I HAD THIS ACTUAL DRIVER'S
LICENSE WITH MY PICTURE ON IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I'M GLAD I HAVE SOME SUPPORT.
YOU HAVE A LOOK ON YOUR FACE
LIKE I DON'T EVEN THAT WAS FUNNY
OR --
>> IT WAS FA FANTASTIC.
I JUST HOPE YOU HAVE A GOOD
LAWYER.
