- Describe me in three words right now.
(playful music)
- Honestly, (faintly speaking).
- I would've gone with your dream girl.
Hi, everyone.
We're are at Six Flags Magic Mountain
somewhere in California.
I don't know where we are, truthfully.
It's all the same.
This is a place for people
who like roller coasters.
I don't typically consider
myself to be one of those people.
But we'll get on a ride today.
- Yeah, we're gonna put
our big girl pants on
and ride the (beeps) rollercoaster.
We're gonna eat some food.
I had a funnel cake, I think.
It's gonna be a day.
(laughing)
A day, that's we're calling it for now.
We'll circle back later.
(cheerful music)
Starting our day at Twisted Witches.
Again, you know we're
trying to incorporate
more vegan, vegetarian
options in these parks.
So, we're starting with a
meatless meatball sandwich and
also some sour cream chips,
which could be my meal.
That would be fun.
This is a sandwich that ideally you'd
be sitting down to eat.
In a perfect world without healthy.
(laughing)
I don't even know where it's coming from.
Should I just demand that the park shut
the coasters off while I'm here?
- It's certainly a meaty
enough cheese string.
The sauce is very sweet.
They went hard on the fennel,
which I appreciate in any
kind of meat-adjacent dish
we're gonna get anyway.
Getting some oregano.
Lot's of cheese.
(faintly speaking)
It's just me.
This is a saucy little meal.
For a saucy little person.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- It's delicious and I like it a lot.
Next.
(celebratory music)
- Thinking about it a lot.
I think they should put out my tombstone
theme park sushi.
So, we landed at Food Et cetera.
Real name, real place
to eat theme-park sushi.
A real thing that I'm about to do.
It actually looks beautiful.
I'm very pleasantly (laughs) surprised.
The park was like, "This is California,
"you should try our theme-park sushi."
YouTube should just ding me for every time
I say those three words in succession.
It's just too much.
But anyway.
Okay, so this is a chef
sampler-type thing.
So, you get a little bit of spice.
You have a tempura roll.
You have... I don't
actually know what's in it.
I wasn't listening.
It's too early for this.
I need to get my (beeps) together.
Maybe I should have a Diet Coke.
(laughing)
I'm gonna go with one of
these salmon-covered rolls.
That looks like it might
have some crab in it,
some cucumber, avocado.
This is great.
I'm just gonna chase it
with some ginger 'cause...
A little palette cleanser.
Honestly, I might take
my dinner to go today.
I don't want to slurp it all day.
Okay, that was delightful.
Is he gonna come back?
I just wanna eat my theme park sushi.
(cheerful music)
Full Throttle Sports Bar.
We're staring with the Tater tot burger.
Which when it first came out,
I was so impressed by
these tentacles of cheese.
Do you see?
It's just like a mother
cheese octopus just...
- Are you using your fry as a pointer?
- Yeah.
They're in abundance here, why should I?
Anyway, I will say there's something
to be said for the French fries.
You know how I feel about
any kind of potato product
is the gauge of a good meal.
It is fantastically large.
That patty is flame broiled.
You can taste it in the
slightly gas coming off of it.
Do you know what I mean?
Good, mid-summer barbecue straight patty.
The cheese is also spicy.
I don't know what's in there
that's making it spicy.
Probably those little green chunks
that I keep on seeing.
This is generally not
how I feel about burgers.
This could stand for
a little bit more bun.
We got real ambitious with the
toppings and stuffings here.
I'm a little chill about the bun ratio.
So, give me a bigger bun to hold all
of this cheese you gave me.
And I'm a happy gal.
With our spicy burger, we
ordered a fruity sweet beer
from Golden Road right down
the road in Los Angeles.
Mango cart it's called.
I do smell mango coming off of it.
Like a lot of mango.
This is yummy.
It tastes almost like cider to me.
Normally when you drink a fruit beer
or when I drink fruit beers,
I'm probably drinking really (beeps) ones
but they just stay on
the back of your tongue
for a very long, unpleasant time.
Not this.
It's just coasting right down.
Whatever.
You try it.
- It does taste and smell like the juice
at the bottom of the fruit prep.
- It does, you're not wrong.
Do you see how when you say something
and I agree with it,
I can see it?
I'm like, "Good job,
Chelsea, you did good."
But when I say something and you disagree.
IPA from Golden Road.
- It's a hazy (faintly speaking).
- And what does that mean?
- It means it's an IPA that's hazy.
(laughing)
I just don't like beer
very much, truthfully.
It tastes like ground-up wheat.
Anyway.
I like it better when I eat a French fry.
Hot fry and cool beer.
I get it.
Sure, okay.
So, this is a cheese curd burger
and it's fantastic achievement
in both height and weight
from the Magic Mountain crew.
Just to break it down by layer,
'cause there are quite a few here,
there's a jalapeno mayo on the bottom,
you can see a little bit,
you got a patty, you've
got more of that mayo,
you've got cheese,
you've got cheese curds,
which I heard are seasoned
with something spicy,
and just a little bed of a spring mix.
Oh, and there's a little
shoestring onions.
Or frizzles as Julie would call them.
(bell ringing)
Okay.
I get it.
The cheese curds are covered in cayenne.
- And parsley.
- Parsley is just like the
extraneous that of herbs.
(laughing) I would have to
say I'm a really big fan
of the patty on every
burger I've had here.
It is super thin.
It just tastes like the
bottom of a gas grill to me,
which again New Jersey.
It's just like a taste that
you grow really accustomed to
and I love it.
I could eat a million
flame broiled patties
forever and always.
So, that is jamming on
the spice quit a bit.
These shoestring frizzles.
- Right?
- They maintain their
crispiness even though
there is literally seven
pounds of meat and veg
and top of them.
And these cheese curds, man.
Wow, can you see how
heavily seasoned they are?
- No turning back now.
- It tastes like
if you dipped perfectly
innocent cheese into
flaming hot Cheeto dush and stuck it
in a deep fryer.
Oh, French fries.
Okay.
Everything's fine.
We opted for a French fry skillet
because this is what dreams are made of.
I'm pretty sure we just have bacon bits,
cheese, and they serve it to you with
both regular ranch and jalapeno ranch,
which again (beeps) that noise.
I think the issue here is
that I don't eat enough
ranch in my regular life.
(laughing) I make my sad
lunches and none of them
have ranch on top.
So, that's pretty lame.
Good cheese to fry ratio.
Lot's of bacon bits.
They didn't really skimp on anything here.
I feel like my sensibilities
or my idiosyncrasies
are becoming more lizard-like as we go.
And that just feels so ironic.
I feel like I'm like (sucking noise).
That's what I'm doing.
They're just part of me now.
We haven't seen one in California.
Cheers, babe.
(mid-tempo music)
One of the things I was
most excited to eat today,
truthfully, is this Oreo funnel cake.
It smells like Oreo shavings.
I am fascinated by the
color of the saucer.
It is translucent and pearlesent.
When I'm not in Florida or California,
this is the color of my face.
Oh, and there's some sort of Oreo glaze.
Oh, my God, there's a hardened glaze.
Sorry I just shrieked into the microphone.
- Really?
Is that what that is?
- Mm-hmm.
You know how the other
day we were talking about
those white-fudge covered Oreos?
- Yes.
- It's like the white fudge.
Do you see it?
- Oh my, God.
- This is delicious.
I will say the integrity
of the funnel cake is a
little bit compromised
by how much soft (beeps)
we got goin' on up top.
I don't really care.
It's holding its own.
But no, you're tasting
white chocolate fudge,
the most whipped of whipped creams,
Oreo chunks, crispy fried dough,
(beeps) me up you guys.
(beeps) me the (beeps) up.
(mid-tempo music)
Do you think I should
push in front of the kids
to get the (murmurs)?
Hi.
- Hi.
- Can I have the thrill shake please?
- Yeah, which one?
- Both of them.
- All right.
- This is an Oreo-centric
shake, obviously.
I feel like it's a bit thinner than most
over-the-top extravagant shakes like these
because it sips so easily.
I'm not sitting there
sucking, and sucking,
and sucking.
I'm just getting ice cream.
I love that.
It's like the popsicles they used to have
down at camp at the end of the day.
Oh.
The straw's cutting into my face.
That's a brownie and it's so sweet.
(screaming)
- Are you crying?
(laughing)
- Almost.
Give me a second and I'll cry.
I'll pick it up.
Thank you so much.
Oh, Chelsea.
(upbeat music)
Oh, no.
Chelsea don't look at that.
Look at my beautiful (beeps) face.
Strawberry freak shake.
You know how I was so
enthralled by those jars
of Pop-tarts when we walked in?
This is where they end up and
wouldn't you know it
frosted strawberry Pop-tarts
are the only ones that should exist.
I got it.
Strawberry shortcake pop.
Strawberry Pop-tart.
What else?
What am I missing.
Did I get it all?
Caramel whipped cream.
Graham cracker.
Oh my, God. I just wanna exfoliate my face
with these finely-ground Graham crust.
Describe me in three words right now.
- (faintly speaking)
- I would've gone with your dream girl.
There is an option to go on Tea Cups.
And there's a merry-go-round.
But, no, we're gonna put
our big girl pants on
and ride the (beeps) rollercoaster.
- Rollercoaster.
- Yeah.
This is my coaster now.
Do you think I could
just straddle the middle?
(mumbles) my shame.
Oh, I really don't
wanna do this, you know?
Oh, God.
(clanking)
I don't like this.
I don't like it.
I don't like it.
I don't like it.
I don't like it.
(screaming)
Jesus.
Christ.
No, no, no, no.
Okay, stop it.
We've had enough (laughs).
We've had enough.
Oh my, God, I'm gonna (faintly speaking).
(laughing)
(cranking)
No more roller coasters.
- Wait, is this it?
(screaming)
(upbeat music)
- Did you see it?
- My sealed fate?
Yeah, I saw it.
(upbeat music)
It's big enough to shield me from the sun.
So, that's kinda nice.
Kind people at Magic Mountain.
Yeah, it's too bright.
They understand the
turkey-like shit 'cause
they know it well.
They watched all of the videos.
They insisted I try this one.
Said it was really good.
Better than the rest.
It's not that I don't have
so much faith in them.
It's just that my hatred
for turkey knows no bounds.
(upbeat music)
There's a ward of cool teens walking by.
I'm not gonna tell what
was easy to bite into.
You saw it with your
own two eyes. It wasn't.
But the meat is falling apart.
It's softer in there than anticipated.
So, points.
Oh, yeah.
Barbecued fry chip sandwich.
Freshly fried barbecued
chips, which are so smokey.
They taste like you're favorite brand
of barbecue chips that
don't sponsor this show.
So, no mention for you.
What I like about this is you can smell
the sweetest coming off of it.
It smells like molasses.
Bourbon.
It turns out though I tend to
confuse and molasses taste.
So, who knows what's in here.
You know how I like any
kind of thinly shaved meat.
It just makes it more
manageable to get down.
And I like how much sauce they give you
because again it just helps sliding.
But, no, this is pretty mild
in terms of barbecue sauce mildness.
Whatever.
It doesn't make sense again.
But a lot of bread, a lot
of mean, a lot of sauce.
You get your money's worth.
(upbeat music)
- What can I get for you?
- (faintly speaking)
- Sure.
- Thank yoU.
- You're welcome.
- When's the last time I drank?
Oh, I had beers.
Okay.
Crazy rum.
Super thick.
It kinda makes me wanna (gags) before I...
- Don't do that.
- Don't do that.
Just sip it.
Just go--
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Yes.
- Ready?
- Yes.
- That's a little spicy.
It's actuallY just more
citrus than I though
it was going to.
Cayenne and citrus.
And then the beer, of course.
A lot of beer.
A lot of Bloody Mary-type vibes here.
Which, again, I'm pretty sure
is a Mitchelada's meant to taste like.
Am I the most helpful
food reviewer of all time?
Or what?
So, I'm gonna venture so far as to say
that if you like this kind
of thing, this is lovely.
If you don't, you have options.
Do you like Micheladas?
- I do.
Of course you do.
- That's so good.
- It's so good.
- This is what I want to
drink at the Jersey Shore.
- Okay, well, I will be the judge
of what we drink at the Jersey Shore.
(laughing)
But, great.
There you have it folks.
Chelsea approved.
- Big league chill.
- What did I say to you?
- (faintly speaking)
- That it looks like spaghetti
shredded Xanthan gum.
Do you see it?
- Oh.
- And the fun of it is that
all of this can be put in
your mouth in one mouthful.
It tastes like children's Tylenol.
(cheerful music)
♪ Grass is greener on the other side ♪
Are you filming?
Jesus Christ.
Okay, Twin Charged Tacos.
I didn't ask for the corn.
In fact, I think that was
just a last-minute addition.
But that's okay.
I'm enjoying this dollop
of guac we've got here.
That's really generous.
Oh, and it is piping hot.
♪ I tried to tempt him
with a sweet kiss. ♪
- Oh my, God.
- I love this song!
What if they play 3LW next?
I will die.
I will melt into a puddle.
I always appreciate a theme-park meal.
They're for anyone who is not looking
to eat her way through a park
in the matter of eight hours.
To have the option to sit down
and actually eat a nice meal
and then continue on your
day as a normal person.
And this is one of those things.
We had two tacos that
are packed with meat,
packed with veg, and packed with guac.
We've got some chips if you want 'em.
How convenient and lovely for you.
Also, from Twin Charge Tacos.
Well, I don't know that I've
ever had the pleasure before.
But this is potentially
deep-fried shards of dough
covered in cinnamon sugar and drenched
in what looks to be caramel sauce.
I'm very excited.
They smell delightfully churro-like.
Whoa.
It tastes a little butterscothy actually.
It takes like the Dunkaroo crackers
before you dipped them in the icing.
Only a heathen would eat
a Dunkaroo sans icing,
but if you were a person
who did once in a while
you would know exactly
what this tastes like.
I love that it's a bit
crunchy on the inside
but it kinda disintegrates in your mouth.
Oh, these are lovely.
If I sit on my Big League Chill,
will my ass be a grape?
(laughing)
- So, hot right now.
- This is why my parents
don't undersaturated
what I do for a living, by the way.
(mid-tempo music)
The music is (beeps) poppin' here.
Chicken waffle sandwich.
It's like a fried chicken filet.
Literally served on two waffles.
I'm smelling maple and butter.
Oh my, God.
They put maple syrup and
butter on this, didn't they?
Actually I thought that was going to be
a lot sweeter than it is.
I don't know if you
can see how much pepper
is on that fried chicken,
but there is a lot.
The first thing that's
hitting me is pepper,
then freezer waffle which
is a fantastic, fantastic
taste experience.
I don't know if you experience
a freezer waffle really.
I'm not gonna call it spicy
but a lot of pepper in
the back of the throat,
which is nice because then
you get this caramelized
syrup butter combination right at the end.
I'm eating my hair, aren't I?
This is fun.
I would pay a stupid
amount for this at brunch
in New York City.
(upbeat jazz music)
This is a pecan turtle.
Look how caramelly and mosaicy it is.
That's so nice.
There's so much caramel and nut in there
that I barely taste the chocolate.
So, this is probably the correct turtle
for someone who likes
something a little bit sweeter.
Oh, boy.
I was looking forward to a
caramel apple to end the day.
And was told this is the most
popular caramel apple offering
at Coaster Candy.
To which I said, do less every one.
But also, sure, if you
like your apples dunked
in caramel, and then milk chocolate,
and then just sunken into
bacon, that's fantastic.
Fat (beeps) blast.
(upbeat music)
Can we end it?
Oh, it's coming.
This is it for me.
Just felt the crunch of
bacon when I sat down.
So, there you go.
(upbeat music)
