AND "THE NEW YORK TIMES" IS NOT
THE ONLY MEDIA OUTLET TRUMP IS
MAD AT.
YESTERDAY, I TOLD YOU THAT "THE
WASHINGTON POST" DISCOVERED THAT
A "TIME" MAGAZINE WITH TRUMP ON
LOT OF TRUMP'S RESORTS IS FAKE.
COME ON, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO FAKE A
MAGAZINE COVER, PUT YOURSELF ON
THE COVER OF "O."
LIVING HIS BEST LIFE.
RADIANT.
SO, THIS MORNING, TRUMP FIRED
BACK:
"THE #AMAZONWASHINGTONPOST,
SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS THE
GUARDIAN OF AMAZON NOT PAYING
INTERNET TAXES-- WHICH THEY
SHOULD-- IS FAKE NEWS!"
FIRST OF ALL, THAT'S A FAKE
TWEET.
( LAUGHTER )
AMAZON DOES PAY TAXES.
THEY COLLECT SALES TAX, AND
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS
"INTERNET TAXES."
SECOND, MR. TRUMP, WE KNOW YOU
THINK "THE WASHINGTON POST" IS
FAKE NEWS.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP TELLING
US.
I MEAN, OBAMA DIDN'T WAKE UP
EVERY MORNING AND TWEET: "STILL
FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.
#IAMTHEDREAM!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DIDN'T DO IT.
DIDN'T HAVE TO.
DIDN'T HAVE TO.
OH, HEY, THIS IS IMPORTANT.
I SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS AT THE
BEGINNING OF THE MONOLOGUE.
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS ON YOUR
COMPUTER LATER YOU'RE GOING TO
WANT TO HOSE THAT THING OUT.
IF YOU HAVEN'T HEARD, THERE'S
BEEN ANOTHER GLOBAL CYBER
ATTACK.
THIS TIME, HACKERS UNLEASHED A
VIRUS CALLED GOLDENEYE, WHICH
YOU MAY REMEMBER AS THE NAME OF
PIERCE BROSNAN'S FIRST JAMES
BOND FILM.
WHICH MEANS IT'S A PRETTY GOOD
VIRUS, BUT YOUR DAD STILL THINKS
SEAN CONNERY'S MALWARE WAS
BETTER.
( APPLAUSE )
WE MISS YOU, SEAN.
HE'S ALIVE, RIGHT?
HE'S ALIVE.
OKAY.
GOLDENEYE IS RANSOMWARE, WHICH
IS A KIND OF SOFTWARE THAT LOCKS
UP YOUR COMPUTER UNTIL YOU PAY A
RANSOM TO THE HACKER.
THE VIRUS STARTED IN UKRAINE,
WHERE IT HIT BANKS, CASH
MACHINES, GAS STATIONS, AND
SUPERMARKETS.
IT WAS AN UNPRECEDENTED ASSAULT
ON UKRAINIAN TO-DO LISTS, AND IT
( LAUGHTER )
-- IT WASN'T JUST ERRANDS THAT
WERE AFFECTED.
THE VIRUS HIT THE RADIATION
MONITORING AT CHERNOBYL, FORCING
IT INTO MANUAL OPERATION.
THE MANUAL BACKUP, OF COURSE,
IS A GUY RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE
HALLWAYS SCREAMING, "OH, GOD,
WHY DID I TAKE THE JOB AS I.T.
GUY AT CHERNOBYL?"
"WHY DIDN'T I GO TO LAW SCHOOL
OR IMPROV COMEDY?"
( APPLAUSE )
SO-- SO LITTLE APPLAUSE FOR
CHERNOBYL THESE DAYS.
( LAUGHTER )
THIS ATTACK EVEN MADE IT DOWN
UNDER, ACCORDING TO AUSTRALIA'S
MINISTER OF CYBER SECURITY.
>> I CAN CONFIRM THAT THERE HAS
BEEN TWO AUSTRALIAN COMPANIES
WHICH HAVE BEEN IMPACTED BY
RANSOMWARE OVERNIGHT.
>> Stephen ( USING STRONG
AUSTRALIAN ACCENT ):
"NOW, TO MAKE SURE ME LAPPY'S
NOT CHOCKERS WITH BUGS, I'M
GONNA BASH DOWN TO THE APPLE
STORE AND THROW IT ON THE GENIUS
BARBIE!"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THAT'S NOT A VIRUS.
DINGOS HACKED ME LAPTOP.
NOW, DON'T THINK YOU'RE SAFE,
FOLKS, BECAUSE THE VIRUS HAS
ALREADY SPREAD TO AMERICA, WHERE
COMPANIES SUCH AS THE DRUG MAKER
MERCK, AS WELL AS OREO AND
NABISCO.
NO!
OUR PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS ARE
ONE THING, BUT HOW DARE YOU HACK
OUR DRUGS AND OUR COOKIES?
THAT'S HOW WE COPE WITH THE
RESULTS OF OUR PRESIDENTIAL
ELECTION, OKAY?
DOUBLE-STUFFED XANAX.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
