Last time, in the good Star Trek movie...
A whale of a tale!
It appears a probe is destroying the Earth in the hopes of finding the extinct humpback!
Desperate to hammer in an animal rights commentary,
the Enterprise goes back in time to see if they can find some!
They're told time travel is dangerous,
despite the fact that they've done it a billion times before
and will continue to do it a billion times after!
Yar she blows!
But this marine biologist will not hand them over so easily.
She will later be banished to the same horrendous realm that Captain Decker was banished to.
The whales are captured,
the probe is pleased,
and director Leonard Nimoy is happy this reaches an audience that lives outside their parents' basements.
Will Shatner have the same luck as he takes over directing the next one?
Well that depends.
Do you like ladies over 50 years old doing a half-naked fan dance?
Hopefully, you answered, "No!"
[Kirk screams "Khan!" over and over to the opening theme of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan]
And now we get one of the more famous stinkers of the Star Trek franchise,
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.
This movie has so much, and yet so little going on at the same time
that it can't help but result in an illogical mess.
The harsh moments are funny,
the funny moments are harsh,
the characters seem like over-the-top cutouts of themselves...
it's just crazy.
So let's see why this film boldly went where no film should've gone before.
We open with a scavenger on Nimbus III, in the Neutral Zone,
where he seems to think he can make more holes in the movie than the script can.
[Drumbeat from scene in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" where Sir Launcelot charges Swamp Castle]
[Drumbeat]
[Drumbeat]
[Drumbeat]
LAUNCELOT: Ha ha!
GUARD: Hey...
SYBOK: Your pain runs deep. Share your pain with me.
CRITIC: It turns out this rider is a Vulcan named Sybok,
who has an incredible power to take people's pain away in a matter of seconds.
Oh good, we'll need that after this movie.
J'ONN: What is it you seek?
SYBOK: What all men have sought,
since time began:
the ultimate knowledge.
Well you're not gonna find it in the film Shatner directed.
And, speaking of which, we see Shatner trying to climb his own ego,
as it seems Kirk and the crew are on shore leave.
McCoy watches from below, trying to see if he can have a heart attack on screen.
MCCOY: God damned irresponsible...
SPOCK: Greetings, captain.
(Kirk gasps)
I have been monitoring your progress.
KIRK: I'm flattered.
CRITIC: It's also nice to see that the innovative technology so often praised on Star Trek
has taken a backseat to Wile E. Coyote trademarks.
KIRK: Why don't you go pester Dr. McCoy for a while?
CRITIC: Back on Nimbus III, we see a scuzzy bar, where..
ah, gheesh.
Did I mention that Shatner WROTE this, too?
Mr. Shatner, I don't know why you wrote in a three-breasted cat lady in...
(as Shatner) Vanessa.
Vanessa.
But, she doesn't seem to be all that important...
(as Shatner) Oh, but she is. She shows 
what a run down place it is.
Then she kills all the main characters except for you.
(as Shatner)Yes! Everything in Star Trek has been building up to
the sexual adventures of me and her three breasts.
But that doesn't make sense!
Why would a cat lady...
(as Shatner) VANESSA.
...Vanessa
be the big payoff in Star Trek?
(as Shatner) Because it adds to the...
gravitas...
and, weight, of...
You just wanted to see this disgusting thing on screen, didn't you?
(as Shatner) Just give me five scenes with her.
-One.
-Four.
-Two.
-Done.
Ha ha ha. Shatner, ya still got it.
CAITHLIN DAR: Gentlemen. I'm Caithlin Dar.
CRITIC: So it turns out - oh God I can't believe I'm saying this -
a Romulan, a human, and a Klingon walk into a bar.
Don't look at me, I'm sure it was written that way in the script.
Erect penis hair here is a Romulan representative.
In fact, they're all representatives of their governments.
And they meet up in this shithole of a location -
kind of weird, they couldn't find another place to meet? -
to lay out exposition.
CAITHLIN DAR: Twenty years ago, our three governments agreed to develop this planet together.
ST. JOHN TALBOT: Our "new age" died a quick death.
CRITIC: But their "sucks to be them" speech is interrupted by Sybok.
CAITHLIN DAR: Our governments will stop at nothing to ensure our safety.
SYBOK: That's exactly what I'm counting on.
CRITIC: We then cut back to Camp Hammy,
where Spock, Bones, and Kirk all sit around the fireplace eating beans.
Uh, don't sit too close to Spock, there.
MCCOY: These are from an old southern recipe handed down to me by my father.
SPOCK: In that case, I have little choice but to sample your beans.
GEORGE TAKEI: Ohhh myyy.
KIRK: Bourbon and beans: an explosive combination.
MCCOY: With that Vulcan metabolism, he could eat a bowl of termites and it wouldn't bother him.
You know, you two could drive a man to drink.
You really piss me off, Jim.
CRITIC: Okay...take the whiskey away from him, he's clearly had his fill.
MCCOY: Maybe it didn't cross that macho mind of yours that you should've been killed when you fell off that mountain.
(as drunk McCoy) And another thing. What's up with the three-titted cat lady you had earlier?
(as Kirk, voiceover) Vanessa.
KIRK: I knew I wouldn't die, because the two of you were with me.
SPOCK: I do not understand.
I've always known...
I'll die alone.
Or with a bald man, trapped under a bridge, gasping for air, but,
I know it's one of those two.
So, to be fair, that is a pretty deep scene to have in a Star Trek movie.
What's it leading up to?
SPOCK: I believe we are required to engage in a ritual known as, the sing-a-long.
KIRK: I haven't sung around a campfire since I was a boy in Iowa. What are we gonna sing?
Wh- Bones- wh-what are we gonna sing?
MCCOY: How 'bout "Camptown Races?"
"Pack Up Your Troubles."
"Moon over Rigel VII."
MCCOY: "Row, Row Your Boat."
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat!"
I love Row...d-do you know "Row, Row, Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"
That song did not come up in my research, captain.
The lyrics are...are very simple.
It's uh...ah...
Row, row, row your boat...
Um...is this really worth playing over the hostage scene that we had going on earlier?
I don't know if I see the necessity of this.
KIRK: Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily/Life is but a dream/
Ah, the doctor and I will start it off,
and then when we give you a signal, you jump in.
Doctor, if you please.
(Clears throat)
MCCOY: Don't say I didn't warn you.
They're really building up this musical interpretation, aren't they?
MCCOY (singing):
Row, row, row your boat/Gently down the stream/
KIRK: Row, row, row your boat/Gently down the stream/
MCCOY: Merrily, merrilly, merrily, merrily/Life is but a dream/
EVERYBODY!
(with children singing)
Row, Row, Row your boat/Gently down the stream/
Merrily, merrily, merrily, mer...
(stops singing) What the hell are we doing?!
Are we really spending so much time on this?
Wasn't there some...government representatives that were threatened with death?
Why are we still here?
KIRK AND MCCOY: Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
KIRK: Life...
Come on, Spock, why didn't you jump in?
SPOCK: I was trying to comprehend the meaning of the words.
I'm trying to comprehend the meaning of this SCENE.
MCCOY: It's a song, you green-blooded...Vulcan.
SPOCK: Life is not a dream.
No! You're right! It's a series of questions leading up to inevitably asking,
"What the hell am I doing sitting around a fireplace singing row your fucking boat?!"
KIRK: Good night, Bones.
MCCOY: Good night, Jim.
KIRK: Good night, Spock.
SPOCK: Good night, doctor.
MCCOY: Good night, Spock.
SPOCK: Good night, Jim.
JOHN WALTON: Good night, children.
JOHN BOY: Good night, daddy.
ELIZABETH: Good night, John Boy. Good night, Jim Bob.
JIM BOB: Good night, Elizabeth.
CRITIC: Meanwhile, we cut to a crazy Klingon who's just,
well, bored.
So he looks for crazy shit to do.
Riveting subplot, huh?
(Speaking Klingon)
Wasn't that Nimoy's quote about the film?
(Speaking Klingon)
And he might get his wish.
Shore leave, it appears, is cancelled due to the hostage situation,
and the crew are flown back.
KIRK: All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by.
MCCOY: Melville.
SPOCK: John Masefield.
Are you sure about that?
I am well versed in the classics, doctor.
Then how come you don't know
 "Row, Row, Row Your Boat?"
Oh good! We get to sing it again!
Row, Row, Row your boat/Gently down the...
KIRK: I told you to
CRITIC: Aw.
KIRK: have this ship operational in two weeks,
I gave you three, what happened?
SCOTTY: I think you gave me too MUCH time, captain.
Bridge.
I hope...
I could use a shower.
SPOCK: Yes.
Well that wasn't nearly as important as the "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" scene,
but, I still see the necessity of that line.
It was to piss us off, right? 'Cause, you did a very good job.
So the ship has all sorts of problems, and odds and sods that aren't fixed yet,
but that doesn't stop the Federation from sending what seems like the only captain they ever send for anything.
BOB: Now I know, Enterprise is not exactly up to specs.
KIRK: The Enterprise is a disaster. There must be other ships in the quadrant.
Other ships, yes,
but no experienced commanders.
Captain, I need Jim Kirk.
Well why don't you take a ship that's not a disaster, and put Kirk on that?
MCCOY: What's the matter, Jim?
KIRK: I miss my old chair.
Ok, is the writing from Little Rascals? You need better jokes than these!
Actually, it DOES feel like The Little Rascals!
No, seriously. Spock's reaction is just like the dog, isn't it?
KIRK: I miss my old chair.
(Confused dog growl)
Stupid!
We then see the hostage footage that Sybok has sent out.
CAITHLIN DAR: He requests that you send a Federation starship to parlay for our release at once.
SYBOK: I deeply regret this desperate act, but these are desperate times.
I have no desire to harm these innocents, but do not put me to the test,
I implore you.
JOKER: Oh, and, every day he doesn't, people will die.
(Laughing)
CRITIC: Oh, and by the way, when did Voldemort get there?
Was the representative of Hogwarts on that planet, too?
VOLDEMORT: AVADA KEDAVRA!
SCOTTY: So, because the teleporter isn't working, they take a shuttle down to see if they can sneak in.
A shuttle from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" apparently.
But in order to sneak in, they need a distraction.
(Uhura singing)
Oh God, no. No no no-no-no-no-no.
Oh, Shatner, have you no shame?!
SHE COULD BE MY MOTHER!
Oh, pull the camera back. Go no closer, go no closer!
(Gagging)
(Vomits)
Oh, God, go no closer!
Oh God, I can see Uranus.
Why would you do this, Shatner, WHY?!
(as aliens) Quick! Put some clothes on that woman!
Frank, gimme your robe!
-Then I'll be naked!
-Trust me, it'll be better.
(normal voice) Oh God, there's gotta be something I can cut to while Calendar Girls is going on!
How long is this scene?
[Ding!]
Perfect.
Save me, corporate America!
...the hell kind of ad was that?
Oh, anyway, is the dance over?
Oh, thank God!
UHURA: Hello, boys.
I've always wanted to play to a captive audience.
CRITIC (as alien): For the love of God, don't rape us.
(normal voice) While that's going on, Chekov is distracting Sybok, pretending to be the captain of the ship,
while Kirk and the others sneak in.
J'ONN: Where are they going?
KIRK: Spock.
SPOCK: Hold your horse, captain.
No. He didn't say that. He didn't say...
I refuse to believe a line that stupid is in a Star Trek movie.
SPOCK: Hold your horse, captain.
CRITIC: No, don't play it again, I've already repressed it.
It's gone. You play that clip, all I'm gonna see is:
KIRK: Spock.
(as Catherine Zeta-Jones) Do me.
(normal voice) If only I could do that for the Uhura dance.
(Uhura singing)
Oh, it still doesn't work!
CHEKOV: Even as we speak, a Klingon warship it on its way.
We estimate arrival within the hour.
SYBOK: I imagine the Klingons will be quite angry.
CHEKOV: You are under attack by
 superior Federation forces.
SYBOK: It wasn't bloodshed I wanted!
CHEKOV: Wait! Come back!
CRITIC (as Chekov): I'm not done meespronouncing theengs.
Hand over all your wascally wabbits.
(normal voice) And number five on Shatner's very bizarre bucket list finally gets fulfilled!
That's right, cats don't dance.
No more pussyfooting around!
Forget it, Jake, it's Cheetara!
Oh, let's face it, it's better than:
SPOCK: Hold your horse, captain.
I at least gave you the option of three to hate.
But it turns out Sybok has used his power to brainwash the hostages,
and now they have Kirk captured as well.
Sybok and Spock recognize each other as old friends from long ago, but Spock still refuses to join him.
Thus, they're forced to fly Sybok back to their ship,
all while the lead singer of Kiss closes in on them.
KIRK: To get us inside, and, re-raise the shields will take...
SPOCK: Exactly 15.5 seconds.
...an eternity, during which we'll be vulnerable to Klingon attack.
KORRD: He speaks the truth.
CRITIC: Wait a minute, don't they have a Klingon general there?
Why don't they just use him to tell the guy to stand down?
KIRK: Fly her in manually.
CRITIC: Or, this works, too.
CHEKOV: Warp speed, now.
ROAD RUNNER: Meep meep!
CRITIC: So Kirk, Spock, and Bones are put in the ship's prison,
while Sybok continues to brainwash the crew by taking away their pain.
But we also find out some very interesting info:
KIRK: I ordered you to defend your ship!
SPOCK: You ordered me to kill my brother.
KIRK: You mean he's your *brother* brother?
Sybok couldn't possibly be your brother because I happen to know for a fact you don't have a brother!
Technically, you are correct.
There, you see?
I have a half-brother.
OBI-WAN GHOST: So what I told you is true...
from a certain point of view.
CRITIC: Yeah, they pull the old "you never asked" trick, just so they can connect these two together.
Honestly, the story would've worked just as well if they were close friends instead of brothers, but,
screw it. Doesn't matter. What's Sybok's evil plan?
SYBOK: My Vulcan ancestors were ruled by their emotions.
They believed in a place in which these questions of existence would be answered.
The greatest adventure of all time:
the discovery of Sha Ka Ree,
at the center of the galaxy.
CRITIC: So, and I swear I'm not kidding here,
Sybok is literally looking for God.
Oh, and I don't mean in a spiritual sense
 or look within yourself, no no!
I mean physically locate him.
Find out where he's been hiding.
And he thinks that God's been covering up Heaven for all these years behind something called the Great Barrier.
KIRK: No ship has ever gone into the Great Barrier, no probe has ever returned...
CRITIC: Oh, and don't think I'm misinterpreting 
that this is God or Heaven,
because he literally uses those terms later.
SYBOK: The place from which creation sprang.
Heaven, Eden, call it what you will.
KIRK: God's a busy man.
CRITIC: Yeah, kinda hard to believe they're really going here.
I mean, it's pretty hard not to be let down when you're being promised GOD in your movie.
That's kind of a lot of buildup!
SCOTTY: What are you standin' around for? Do you not know a jailbreak when you see one?
CRITIC: But Scotty breaks them out of their cell, and tells them where he thinks they can get a distress signal out.
And, is it me, or is the placement of those pipes really kinda stupid?
KIRK: Mr. Scott, you're amazing!
SCOTTY: Well there's nothin' amazing about it, I know this ship like the back of my hand.
(Bonk!)
[Three Stooges theme]
CRITIC: They start climbing to get to their location, but Spock believes he has found a faster way.
SPOCK: I believe I have found a faster way.
CRITIC: Oh, and never mind the obvious shadow of the lift holding him up.
I'm sure it's just the shadow of his really fat wallet in his back pocket or something.
SPOCK: It appears we're too heavy.
KIRK: Must be all those marshmallows.
Fire the rockets!
CRITIC: Wait a minute. What was the order of the decks they passed?
Fifty-two...
sixty-four...
sixty-THREE...
fifty-two again...
seventy-seven...
seventy-eight...
seventy-eight again...
and then the ceiling.
No, why did you stop? Apparently the layout of this ship is like a video game glitch!
Keep going higher and higher, and yet somehow you keep getting lower and lower.
Go through the ceiling! I'm sure you'll end up at the floor again.
But they're caught once again, and Sybok decides to have a little chat.
SYBOK: I want your respect.
Are you afraid to hear me out?
Wait outside.
Ok. Beat him up.
(Punching noises)
I mean, come on, guys! You outnumber him three to one!
He has no weapons! Just hold a knife up to his throat and say, "give me back the goddamned ship, you pointy-eared Sean Connery!"
SYBOK: Your pain is the deepest of all.
I can feel it. Can't you?
CRITIC: But, instead, we see Sybok try to take away the pain of Bones and Spock,
in the hopes of winning them to his side.
MCCOY: Father? Oh my God, don't do this to me.
I'm here.
I'm with you, dad.
CRITIC: Now, to be fair, this scene is very well done,
as we see the pains our characters suffer, and even discover that, many times, our pain helps in forming who we are.
KIRK: Dammit Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand.
They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are.
I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!
CRITIC: Well fair enough statement, but, all I'm thinking is:
how the fuck is he making these images appear?
He never did in the opening, and you never see it with anyone else.
And we're told it's not just inside their minds, as clearly all four of them can see the visuals.
And on top of that, where DID this power come from, anyway?
It's not like psychiatry where he talks to 'em, he just sort of looks at them and the pain goes away.
Where'd he learn to do it? How's it being accomplished?
N...ever addressed.
We just assume that he's a Vulcan Jesus.
A...Vesus.
SPOCK: I have found myself, and my place. I know who I am. And I cannot go with you.
CRITIC: Sybok's brainwashing doesn't 
seem to work on them, but,
they decide to join him anyway, because they're as curious as he is.
Um, you sure you didn't brainwash 'em?
SULU: They say, no ship can survive this.
SYBOK: I say they're wrong. I say the danger is an illusion.
CRITIC: Well, apparently it IS an illusion.
Because, not only do they make it through with no problem whatsoever -
I mean, the ship doesn't even shake -
but they literally do it in the span of just a couple of seconds.
How is this the great danger they were talking about?!
Were all the ships in the galaxy just like,
"Duhhh, looks dangerous!"
and never went in?
What kind of explorers are these?
To boldly go where no man has g...bullSHIT!
To cowardly run away from anything that looks different!
The Great Barrier's about as threatening as the Ring of Fire from Finding Nemo!
Terrifying!
So they take a shuttle down to planet...Heaven,
and come across something big.
(as Spock) It appears we're in the remains of a brontosaurus burger, captain.
"GOD": Welcome.
MCCOY: Is this the voice of...God?
One voice. Many faces.
Does this better suit your expectations?
The Cowardly Lion is God?
(as the Cowardly Lion) I'm the Messiah, 
I'm the Messiah, hallelujah!
"GOD": The journey you undertook to reach me 
could not have been an easy one.
Actually, it was disgustingly easy.
Kinda like stepping through a light fog.
"GOD": And how did you breach the Barrier?
SYBOK: With a starship.
Could it carry my wisdom beyond the Barrier?
KIRK: Excuse me.
Yes, Kirk, do you ingeniously want to point out the painfully obvious?
KIRK: What does God need with a starship?
"GOD": Bring the ship...
I said, what does God need with a starship?
CRITIC: I think the real question is, what does KIRK need with a WIRE strapped to his back?
KIRK: Why is God angry?
SPOCK: You did not answer his question. What does God need with a starship?
CRITIC (as Spock): All right, I'm convinced. He's God.
"GOD": The ship. I must have the ship!
Now, to be fair, according to most texts,
God has asked for a lot of bizarre things:
"Jesus, die on the cross."
"What?"
"Abraham, kill your son."
"Huh?"
"Moses, wander through the desert for about 40 years."
"What the fu--?"
Asking for a starship almost sounds reasonable.
"GOD": An eternity I've been imprisoned in this place...
CRITIC: But they are now convinced that this is not any god at all, so,
what is he then?
SYBOK: Reveal yourself to me.
(laughing)
"GOD" (as Sybok): What's wrong?
 Don't you like this face?
CRITIC: What a...twist?
I don't even get it. It's him but it's not him?
They never really explain it.
SYBOK: This is my doing. This is my arrogance...my vanity.
CRITIC: I am you and you are me.
HUGH SIMON: I am Hugh.
JUDGE MAXWELL: You are me?
I am HUGH.
CRITIC: So Sybok tries to fight off the...whatever,
as Kirk has his ship fire a torpedo at it.
It kills Sybok, but doesn't seem to destroy the entity.
But the teleporter starts working, but can only beam up two people, so Kirk says, beam up Spock and Bones.
"GOD": Yooooouuuuuu...
("God" continues sceeaming)
SCOOBY DOO: Scooby dooby doo!
CRITIC: But the Klingon ship arrives -
funny, I guess that's TWO ships that made it through the HORRIFYING Great Barrier -
and destroys the beast with its laser gun.
So a photon torpedo barely hurts it, but few shots from a tiny laser kills it off?
SPOCK: Logical.
He's then beamed aboard the ship, where it turns out that Spock convinced the Klingon general to outrank the crazy guy chasing him.
Just like they should've done BEFORE...oh God, who cares? The movie's almost over.
Let's just hear our half-assed moral that even Veggie Tales could tell us.
MCCOY: Is God really out there?
KIRK: Maybe He's not out there, Bones.
Maybe He's right here...human heart.
Well one place He definitely isn't is in this script.
Why? Because no loving God would ever let us end on this scene:
[Spock playing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"]
(Screams) Are you fucking serious?!
You're really bringing it back to this scene?
Like, this was the big favorite in all the movie?
You know what, when it's paced this way, it almost seems like nothing happened!
(as Kirk) Bones, did we do a weird thing where we searched for God and Spock lost his brother?
(as McCoy) It's not mentioned in the next Star Trek movie; I don't care.
[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy sing "Row, Row, Row Your Boat" in rounds]
Roll, roll, the credits, quickly cross the screen...oh, thank you.
Whew! That was Star Trek V,
and let me tell you, for a movie about finding God,
I really feel like nothing was accomplished.
At times it can have some good moments,
even some good character development, but,
a lot of the scenes don't tie together, a lot of characters seem pointless,
the comedy is really bad, and plus,
the story is just beyond ridiculous.
I felt closer to finding God in "History of the World, Part I" than I do in this film!
And, granted, the next film IS a lot better,
but we still have a whole 'nother generation of movies to fuck it up.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it, so you don't have to.
[Star Trek II theme]
[Record scratches]
(Children singing)
Row, row, row your boat/Gently down the stream/
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily/Life is but a dream/
[Song continues]
[Song fades out]
SPOCK: I have little choice but to sample your beans.
