TOOOOOP of the mornin to ye ladies MOY namez...
*sigh* What's his name The-the cunt with the--the green hair
Boys and girls, today I've got a very, very special announcement:
Today, we're gonna be playing some Hitman
Not that Hitman. No.
Uh, th- this Hitman
*what am I doing with my life*
Hitman: Blood Money's a pretty old game, came out well over ten years ago.
I played it a fair bit on the 360, but today, i wanna do a full playthrough of the game because honestly,
it's a fucking masterpiece.
The only problem with it is, it's an old game
Therefore it was built for old monitors
errr, I'm trying to play it on a... *sigh*
Fucking hell the size of that text jesus chr-  Playin it on a 2k monitor
Don't worry the game itself will be you know, full screen
It's just menus and stuff. So
We've got to think of a name for our assassin
a name that is going to be feared and revered by everyone
by the time, the game is over
(Pyro proceeds to be a meme, best joke of 2016.)
So we got a opening cutscene here of our
"Anti-hero" Agent 47
uh...
The cutscene is very fucking compressed because..
*breaths*
Again, it's an old game, alright?
Take what you got; you're not enjoying this,
Go watch Pewdiepie do a Try not to laugh challenge Come here, come here little seagull
COME BACK CUNT
Doing our first dialogue with another (even though its his first) NPC in the game..
Let's see how it goes.
"What the fuck you lookin at, cracka?"
"I'm here to see Joseph Clarence"
"Never heard of him"
Mr Swing King (Will Smith playing in background)
*Thanks for the ear rape*
*More glorious ear rape.*
*You can actually see the spike in the waveform for this shit ffs.*
That's pretty much how, err...
All dialogue is gonna go in this game.
Uhhh.. Minimalist dialogue.
Someone dies.
Alright Is he even dead? I'm gonna go check out this bitch
UUUH,
He is either unconscious, (he's dead jim)
Or he is so dead that he ascended to another plane (Death is the new drug, it's free)
'cause that-that guy didn't even
That guy died with his eyes open. Who knew smacking someone into the door could do that?
So now we've got to distract to these two beautiful guards
And that guy looks like the one we knocked out probably his twin brother or something, I don't know
uuh, let's throw on that bullseye, very convenient
I am a First Person Fag (And just a regular one)
So the most of this game will be in first person
I'll switch to third person occasionally
But... Most of it will be first person
So now we've got to kill another gangster again
The objectives in this game, absolutely riveting
We've pull out this fiber wire though
cos uh i want to kill someone. I've got a...
I'm quite possibly a psychopath
Let me just uuh...lemme just
Why can't i..lemme just
*Watch as Pyro displays his MLG Pro Gamer skills*
Omg, dude!
No No No No No! You didn't see nothing, You didn't see nothin!
no, Excuse me, excuse me sir?
Sir, Sir, let me just... no
Fucking hell i didn't mean to do that.
Sorry, sorry about your face dude just, give me a minute, yeah?
Just let me just...
OMG LET ME-
*Sad music as Pyro completes a simple button press*
Okay- Okay, you didn't see any of that! (kinda did Pyro.)
First kill *Totally forgets his first victim*
Absolutely flawless
We killed him
Ignore the blood, ignore the struggle
Can you be quiet please?
Can you x3
ssshssHHSSHHHHH!
Jesus, man
Can you be quiet? Can you be quiet
*Kinky time boi continues to scream "Help". Didn't he learn that No means Yes?*
*Gunshots*
I told him!
Oh god no bois bois it's not what it looks like
It's not look, I suffer from extreme white privilege and white guilt
That one guy had to die.
Bois plz
Don- oh they're both dead
and they're both wearing a pair of Tims™
God bless
I wonder if I can steal a pair of Tims™ from these guys that'd be pretty cool
Just, just to uuh just to assure you all..
I am an assassin.
I kill everyone swiftly
Quietly
no signs of struggle whatsoever
Take a little look-look through the keyhole
We got 2 people...
(Snorting the White Privilege won't make you any less black sweatie :) )
I don't know what they're doing playing Yu-Gi-Oh or some shit
I really don't care
Right, let's grab this shotgun
We could pick the lock but of course
subtlety is key
(KNOCK KNOCK OPEN UP THE DOOR IT'S REAL)
BANG
I gotta hide their bodies
Let's ignore the fact there's
blood
and
uh wasted shotgun shells
and
bullet holes
all across the room!
It's fine x2
Because
We got rid of the bodies!
Let's see who's through that door
HOOOOOLY SHIT it's Professor White Guilt (You mean...Mr. Every other race is genetically superior Onisicunt?)
Jesus Christ my adversary
See, i'm playing as white privilege
Any people i kill, it's entitled to me
But,
Whi- White guilt?
This guy feels guilty for every thing a white man does.
So uhh...
He must be eliminated.
there can be no equilibrium in this lets play
uhhh what am I gonna throw at you
right lets throw this knife yea lets try and get a head shot
I love how there's blood everywhere
he just doesn't acknowledge it he's like
na nigga I need some money plus aswell
He isn't even-he isn't even stealing that money.
You see that?
okay you know what its fucking Monopoly money anyway, you got pranked
Right can you keep still my man?
you just- you just keep still?
oh, oh god. jesus christ.
You know what, there was no noise there
but that looks very painful. I'm just gonna steal your clothes, alright?
How Convenient, they fit me and i now look like the guy from split (More like Walter White from Breaking Bad)
Again, uh, no crime scene whatsoever!
I wanna see Cole Phelps from L.A Noire try and decipher that crime scene
Bitch won't be able to do nothing!
"What exactly did you see them take?"
"They was  workin' on the tires! That's all that was took!" (CLEARLY)
*Fuck he's right...*
*Bout to cry like a little bitch baby*
*Downs who jug of bleach*
*OOF*
Let's take this pistol, even though we've got like fifty. Aaaaand...
we're gonna place it inside the baking soda crate
And we're gonna take that baking soda crate.
And yeah, I guess we're gonna take it to the control room, or whatever the fuck the game's telling me.
"Gotta check you right white bread" You're gonna scan me? (THE FUCK INSULT IS WHITE BREAD)
Okay well, you're gonna find a gun in the baking soda crate..Seeming you're scanning it.
"Ight, you cool."
Okay. Perfect logic.
So if you have a gun on your person, that's terrible. (would you say it's....triggering? BA DUM TSHH)
But, if you have a gun in inside a baking soda crate,
That's totally fine,
th-theres not a problem there.  x2
There's a lot of people down there, I'm seeing (orgy?)
Uhhhhh
Probably best to be sneaky. (Yeah right, the day pyro's sneaky is the day I can finish these in under 2 hours)
so lemme just-get on this elevator. and fiber wire this boy here. just-just pull em up. ( first time)
Pull em up! thats right! let him ascend to heaven in an animation that looks like its fuckin- Shrek in Unity. (Shrek Has Swag 5 confirmed?)
Right
W-What's uh...
Okay. I'm just gonna pretend I didn't see anything.
I gotta sneak through the factory
But of course these guys can't see.
Y'know, they need someone to light up the area for them
So allow me to do that for ya.
*busts a couple caps in em*
*E X P L O S I O N*
Uhhhh, you're alive
Oh, dear.
UH, oh look, whoops! An accident!
*busting more caps*
Whoops!
(Sarcastically) Oh nooooooo! Another explosion! Oh, whoopsie daisy.
What a mistake!
And this guy is...
This guy's taking a piss, and he did not-
Are you serious right now? That you didn't hear those MASSIVE explosions?
Right let me take your TMP for a second.
"Like they say! The longer they cum, the longer they piss!"
*Bewildered Expression*
I'ma take you as a human shield for that.
We're gonna use him to clear out the room
*boop*
Oh for fuck's sake, I didn't mean to do that.
I need you as a human shield- There's a lot of guys in there, I need you as a human shield! Yeah?
Wake up??? *Does the one thing you shouldn't do when trying to wake someone up*
Fuck, I probably shouldn't have done that.
(In the distance) what was that?
Uhhh what was that? Nothing! That was nothing!
Please don't come in here! Please don- I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!
Bois- *Proceeds to decimate everyone with a goddamned TMP and gets away with it.*
Right I'm just gonna climb up this ladder, uh....
Let's pretend that never happened.
That was just a bunch of people that shot themselves repeatedly with a- with a TMP.
They all took turns. (SNL's Dear Sister except they're black)
Right we got a rifle suit case now let's unpack that shit
See what's inside it.
A Draganov. My favorite. It's- fucking semi auto- rifle.
What's the key to zoom in again?
 Lemme-...X. Right, X to zoom in, yeah
a-again, uh, you can really tell that this game was not made for a keyboard in mind
Let's do a nutshot with you! *boing sound effect* *Pyro becomes a hoover for one second* nut shot, deadly
Instant kill,  uh headshot with you
*Jeff*
deadly, of course and with you, ma boi, let's for the TIMB™SHOT *PLAY THAT NOTEBLOCK NIIIIICELY*
Take this rifle suitcase with us cuz, uuh, i feel like i need it
Lemme just, fuckin throw it down there
Thousands of dollars worth of sniping equipment in there,
Probably traveled tons of different countries just to get in the hands of my character...
And I don't give a shit, I just-I just throw it, throw it down a balcony..
lets just take this syringe, again, all these people are just wondering why there being killed off
you are just leaving equipment for a hitman to use around here so i ain't even gonna complain
again shotgun ammo I-I don't get it
That is 2017 dialogue, that is dialogue in a video game
Jesus Christ, you know what im sorry, that was so bad imma push you off that ledge
excuse me, uuuh, m'lady I'll just poisoning your drink, alright,
uuuh I just injected what ever this is into pure glass whats even in this any way
*Pyro reads the item description*
Super Boring
Pay no attention
I think thats every thing that they use in a lethal injection
except uhh you know the actual anesthetic
That's meant to can make it kinda painless
is she gonna down that
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Please drink it-ple-thank you very much
right, i will now leave the closet because i know that you are dead, no
you just drank this, you're meant to die
die.....? *A Bass Boost Death so rave it became basic*
*Pyro proceeds to die inside, even more than he already has*
It wasn't-it wasn't the lethal combination of sodium pentothol, potassium chloride and pavulon that killed her
It was the push OF COURSE
I dont fucking get this game to be honest
Like I get that this is an old game but i dont get it
But anyway,
All that aside, lets go confront our target; Mr. Swing King
(Swing King) Who the hell are you, how did you get in here? CAROL ANNE
The fuck is he doing?
What is he doing?
(Swing King, having spasms) I don't understand
Its like he really needs to take a shit
This is such an important conversation
Why are you twitching around so much (Swing King is having a  minor stroke)
(Agent 47) Please look at the photograph, Mr. Clarence
Right, take the ph-
WHY IS IT REPEATING THE DIALOGUE????????????
Are you-?
(SPAMMING A KEY ON HIS KEYBOARD)
(Swing King, begging for mercy)Please, haven't I suffered enough?
Uhh, well, I did just have to initiate dialogue with you twice, so I think- I think the question falls onto me. Have I suffered enough? (Never.)
Okay, can you be quiet?
OKAY, I GET IT
This is meant to be a scene in the game where your target pleads with you,
so you feel some kind of empathy before you end his life,
But at the moment all i hear is *whining like an 8 year old spastic*
"[meh meh meh] I'm sorry, I won't- I won't put TNT on your house again, don't ban me from your minecraft server
(Swing King) Ah, no, don't! (Fucking do it, Pyro)
(Pyro) You know what, you know what, you've made a good case, with all them grunts and growls
And repeating dialogue,
I-I'll let this guy live. (NO, YOU FOOL)
Mr. Swing King, I'll be back in a moment. *Vaults out window*
I'm gonna bring you a present, actually. One moment x2
Let me just grab this, uh, this detonator
And this RUAP mine, yeah?
This is a present, okay?
*Vaults window again* Ignore the fact that it says mine, it actually gives you, uh, balloons. (Good thinking, Pyro)
So, lemme just- lemme place this next to you.
Yeah? You see that mine? Get as close to it as you possibly can.
Okay?
(Swing King) I'm so sorry, I know I-
*beep*
BRRRRT *SwingKing fucking dies*
Place bomb on the winch...
Uh, unfortunately, I can't do that, Eidos.
*BRRRRT*
Yeah, I- I used that to kill Mr. Swing King (RIP)
So, I'll have to kill these guys in a less inventive way.
*BLAP* *BLAP* *BLAP*
I don't even have to kill these guys, these guys are just doing it for me
I'm just- I'm just gonna run down there with a fucking hammer.
Uhh, 'scuse me boiz, it's White Privilege, how ya doin'
*OOF*
Oh Jesus, that looked fuckin' painful
Lemme just- lemme just pick up that hammer again, yeah?
Uh, yep.
*OOF*
Beautiful. And that- that actually killed you.
Jesus.
And you're cowering, right?
There's a Deagle right there- You know what, actually my man, I'm actually gonna make the job a little bit easier for ya-
Take my pistol, yeah? Take my pistol.
There you go. OH, SHE'S GOING FOR IT!
SHE'S GOING FOR IT! Don't do it,
Ah, Jesus, I thought you were gonna go for it.
Right, lemme get this Desert Eagle, very nice weapon.
OHHH *Minecraft oof* Don't do that, put it down. Put it down, put it down, PUT IT DOWN
*Minecraft oof*
Put it- Put that shit down, put that shit down right now.
How- How DARE you shoot me? How dare- I want an apology.
(Snoop Dogg himself) Cooper, I have no idea how I'm gonna record this video, dude.
You have five seconds to apologize.
*counting down* Five,
*more Minecraft oof*
Uh, that's five seconds in Pyrocynical time.
Now, you,
You get to live today, because you didn't attack Pyrocynical.
Alright? Everyone else here? They all dead. This uh, fuckin-
*BETRAYAL*
OH MY GO-
She killed me...
She killed me, I can't- I can't fire...
YOU BITCH *Lesbian Pitch Intenses*
*47 fucking dies*
You. Actual. Bitch.
That has annoyed me, that has- cause I was gonna let her live
She gRABBED that deagle when I wasn't looking, havin' my little epic funny monologue
And she SHOT me... *smeagle voice* god damn what  bitch! (Someone's a salty Sandra)
I-I hate her the most, out of ANYONE in that level
Swing King, uh, Fresh Prince of Bel Air lookin ass... I hate her the most
Anyways guys i'm gonna end it here. You didn't miss out on anything don't worry.
If that- bitch didn't kill me, then I would have just walked out a door and the level would have ended
There was no other area
hOPE you all enjoyed video, if you did, leave some support, maybe drop a liiike or, comment anything down below
I'm trying to introduce a new series here (yeah right), this was a training mission so it was very straight forward, a lot of hand-holding
I'm using it more as like a "Pilot episode",  so if this does well, then I'd be more than happy to turn it into a fully fledged series (which hasn't happened yet)
But, obviously if it doesn't get the views then, I can't really do much about that unfortunately
Again, thanks for watching your support is greatly appreciated, thank you for giving me the opportunity to make these...
tERRIBLE fucking memes that, I love making, and hopefully y-HOPEFULLY you enjoy watching my
uh, "quality" content... (Shut up we love you)
Third time now (dude chill) thanks for watching guys, much appreciated
I'll see you in the next video
(Boi the fuck, you used Jack's intro and Mark's outro. fAKE FAKE NEWS FAKE YOUTUBER, i'm joking, love you so much)
(I just took...three hours out of my day to subtitle this. I have school work to do and commissions.)
(But instead I'm subtitling an old ass pryo video...)
*note from another contributer* (you're not alone, it's almost 2 in the morning and I'm doing this shit)
"Don't worry..."
"He's not allowed to touch you."
*BLAM*
