Attention! The following images are full of strong discomfort.
We recommend to not drink alcohol or coffee while watching.
Greetings, crew, and welcome back on my ship!
I'm Barbascura...
X! And today I'll take you on a new travel on the desolate land
called discomfort.
And there is really a lot...
Because, for Bob's sake, if my soul isn't a bit dead, I can't draw forth.
You have to know there is someone who pretends to be me. He
even makes video with my name, do you
realize it? My name!
Well, since I am the founding father of very bad resume,
let's go to resume one of his video! As always...
BADLY!
Look at the villain, the one who pretends to be me, he's focused
on eating, or searching for food, as long as
there is...
some food. But I don't believe it. But where
do he lives, in 0,79 square rods? I think it's a studio apartmet
where there is a bedroom, a kitchen and *laughs*
a batroom *keeps laughing*.
But leave it be, let's go on *keeps laughing*.
This wine isn't healthy for me.
He found it! He found a tempting pizza!
But no one will ever find out that pizza's
mar- what kind of pizza is that?
It looks like one of this cheap pizzas you buy at food dealing!
What sadness, what discomfort... Before he even opens the pizza,
explain me why he wears glasses at home!
Let's wait and let's hope he manages to open that pizza,
but I don't think he will, it seems he's fighting with that pizza.
It won't attack you, go easy, calm down! What are
smelling, what, the frozen pizza, you smell?
If you want to smell the pizza you have to smell it when it's cooked,
not when he's frozen, what do you smell, ice's scent,
do you smell? Guys, I'm speechless.
Oh, let the mermaids accept me!
And it's ready, the pizza is ready.
Good, smoking. well, not really, but anyways...
But tell me who, in his right mind, while he's eating a
pizza, with fork and knife, by the way,
picks the toilet paper in order to dry off
the mouth! I was right, that flat was a bedroom,
a kitchen and a toilet! It's hard, guys,
it's hard, guys, that pizza's hard, it's really hard,
it's hard. I can't imagine what comments will come up.
It's hard. But he finally found out that pizza
has to be eaten with hands, not with fork, he found out, good,
that's the important. It's fake because he's fake, it's really fake,
but not that fake. By the way,
we don't understand which movie he's watching, but he's
watching- Barbascura:"But what-?"
Dorian:"I didn't understand,
does he hear me?"
Barbascura:"What the fuck?" Dorian:"You're telling me this fake he's listening me?" Barbascura:"Who would be-"
Dorian:"I am the great Barbascura...
X!"
Barbascura:"Who are you supposed to be?" Dorian:"Barbascura. Barbascura X."
Barbascura:(incredulous expression)
Dorian:"Look at this fake, here we understand it's fake, he can't reply me-" Barbascura:"Fake?
To me?" Dorian:"Fake, you're fake-" Barbascura:"You
would be the true Barbascura?" Dorian:"I'm the true Barbascura,
I've got a dark beard!" Barbascura:"You don't look like me at all!"
Dorian:"That's point." Barbascura:"What the heck is that, you drew you
a beard whit the marker?"
Dorian:"The beard doesn't count, they're details."
Barbascura:"If you're me, my name is Eustace.
And it isn't." Dorian:"What are you saying, Eustace,
how do you dare? I'm YouTube Italy's pirate,
I'm the discomfort's king! ME!" Barbascura:"I'm handsome,
hot, charming,
and, most important, really, really
humble..." Dorian:"Yeah-" Barbascura:"And until proven
otherwise I edit videos, so (snaps fingers)" Dorian:"NO,
(complains until he disappears)"
 
This is much better. Crew, there are lots of fakes
around here.
Who, as a kid, has ever got a PolyStation, or the great
Robertcop, or the complete set of the
Sense of Right, with a Power Ranger, Superman, Batman,
Spiderman, and, most important, Shreck.
What goddamn heroes. All in the same
box, but why Shreck, holy cra- Or still a wonderful item
of clothing of Hike!
Do you feel the high quality? Well, what I'm going to show you today is the creme
de la creme of the fakeness: some ugly
movies, so much ugly...
to be masterpieces! Your life is about to drastically
change...
for the worse! And that's a remarkable step forward,
so don't worry. Because Ratatouille becomes
Ratatoing, The Princess and the Frog becomes
The Frog Prince, Jack the Giant Slayer
becomes Jack the Giant Killer!
Well, it's different, no? Kung Fu Panda becomes Little
Panda Fighter!
Do you know Brave of Pixar? (spits)
It sucks! It's disgusting! Way
better KIARA the Brave! Oh,
yeah, now we're reasoning! Look how much is epic
this army! Look and enjoy!
In this scene he, the villains' boss,
spurs his soldier to attack, and he...
flies away! What am I saying, he took off! He lands
gravity-free on the king who throws him away...
Obviously I didn't even dare to watch the movie, this is
just the trailer. Trailer that, by the way,
ends in this way.
They fly.
Thus, dunno. This movie has been made by
Phase 4, which managed to falsify even the logo!
For Bob's sake! That's Fantastic Four's icon!
In America those movies are called "Mockbusters", which
meaning is "awful movies inspired by blockbusters which make your
eyes, ears and hair pores bleed, cause chronic ebola,
but that if you don't see them your life isn't worth being considered lived."
This definition is from the Oxford dictionary. There are entire production
companies specialized in fakes.
One of the most famous is "The Asylum".
This ones make a really funny game.
Every time a particularly interesting movie is
announced, they organize themselves in very few days,
they engage an entire troupe of hobos which salaries are made of
plumcakes and they make the entire movie! Boom!
In very few days, in very few weeks
And so, sometimes, the fake movie comes out
even before the original one!
The Da Vinci Code? Here they make
The Da Vinci Treasure! Pirates of the Caribbean? Naaah!
Pirates of Treasure Island! Snakes on a Plane?
It's way better Snakes on a Train! High School
Musical? You meant Sunday School Musical!
Terminator? The Terminators, with the s,
it's plural, so we don't say they copy. Piranha 3D?
Way better MEGA Piranha there's the word
mega, it's more epic, you have to admit it! Pacific Rim?
Atlantic Rim! RoboCop?
Android Cop! Suicide Squad? Sinister Squad!
Well, you got it. There are some times the fake is
even worse: 11-11-11.
They made 11/11/11, with
the slash instead of the dash, got it?
So it's different. You say "Well, maybe they aren't
so bad..."
The fuck you say... What are you seeing is "Transmorphers",
be focused, "Transmorphers", not "Transformers".
Look at the special effects, the lights,
the setup, the water falling
in front of the camera in order to pretend it's raining, it's
wonderful! And there's even a sequel:
"Transmorphers 2: Fall of Man"!
Mmmh, what quality, what quality!
But there's worse. In 2012 the original movie
"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" came out.
Now, when I heard the announcement of the movie I've gone
mad from happiness. Well, yeah, we all agree
it's a bright idea! Well, a stupid idea,
but that's the point, it's bright! Who has never dreamed seeing
Abraham Lincoln killing vampires, come on!
But here's The Asylum's fake:
"Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies". Dunno, thus.
Dunno.
Because Abraham Lincoln who cuts a zombie's head, who looks like a
junkie, with a sickle, isn't that great?
Or "Almighty Thor", of The Asylum, which
is Thor with blades and machine guns
that fights dinosaurs!
GREAT!
YEAH!
Do you know "Alien vs. Predator"? They made
the admirable "Alien vs Hunter".
Because yes! Because we needed a Predator (well, an Hunter)
who hunts an alien giant spider in our
lives! Obviously they haven't money for
special effects, so in fights we don't understand
anything because as soon as we see something they cut it out.
So at this point you'll say:" who would see these bullshits?"
Come here, I'll tell you a story.
This summer I went back to Taranto, and, after dinner,
my brother, zapping on Sky,
tells me:"Hey, look, there is the new
Ghostbusters movie, that one with girls, that one
it seems it sucks!" And me:"Oh, yeah, it's crap, well,
let's see it!" And indeed there was a green ghost that
was losing snot, but it was done really badly. There was
a kid within main characters, there was a woman,
a girl, yeah, but the other ones didn't appear.
At half movie, realized it sucked beyond any
expectation, and that there was only a girl
in the cast,
I ask myself "How is it  possible?" I check the data,
and I see my brother got the title wrong.
The movie was "Ghosthunters".
Production company:
The Asylum.
(glitched windows starting music)
Curse you, bastards, you stole important minutes
of my life!
And I even finished it, because, at that point... I just
tell you that in the end they defeat these really evil
ice ghost appeared at the end for no reason
with friendship's power.
Because friendship emanates heat.
And so it melts.
At a certain point The Asylum realized he's famous
for shit. 'Cause people are masochistic.
Or simply they don't read Sky's data.
RIGHT, GABRIEL? And it decided to ride the wave, producing
the now famous "Sharknado".
For how much Young Zee from Beverly Hills
90210, who jumps with a chainsaw in a shark's
mouth fallen from sky and then opening it from the inside
and saving thus a girl previously eaten,
is both epic and terrifiyngly trash,
so potentially a masterpiece, weeeell...
but, you know.... in the end this is trash
made on purpose, it's different. Well, a thing is
seeing an ugly movie that took
himself seriously, but it's ugly, and so it's funny,
and another thing is seeing ugly scenes made
ugly on purpose, dunno.
I'm an expert, so I know these things. But we have to
say they gave us a great emotion: Martin, sadistic
bastard, you had fun killing the best ones
like sausages?
HERE YOU ARE! Take the shark on your belly!
But let's talk about another production company, even if
company is a big word, maybe it's better group. The
Dingo Pictures, a German animation
studio which is property of two guys: Ludwig
Ickert and Simone Greisse,
wife and husband.
I don't know who's the wife and who the husband because they have awful nam-
Who, probably tired of living, they decided to...
to spread a bit of their depression for the world
producing movies like Pocahontas,
"I fear he won't manage to do it, my people are
preparing to fight!", Dinosaur adventure,
Aladin, which is original, because he has just one d, so, indeed...
or the incredible "Lion and the king" (The Lion King and his son 2).
I don't know.
I-I really don't know.
Starting with the fact that the name is The Lion King and his son
2,
but there are no data
about a likely prequel.
That's because it probably
doesn't exist.
Those guys probably made a movie that seemed a sequel of "The Lion King" in order to
catch unaware audience.
Crocodile:"the hiding point. Let's get the treasure!" Snake:"What?
No, it's mine!
Hah, you can't enter in the cave! There's a downfall!"
Homer:"Oh, ok..."
Crocodile:"I'm nearly crying." Look at this
beautiful drawings, look-at-them. That
trunk, look at the details. This
crocodile, who's asking to die. But the
creepiest thing, obviously
other than drawings and animations, those are really creepy, holy crap,
is that, in order to save, Dingo Pictures seems
to make dub movies in italian
(awkward silence)
to strangers who don't speak italian.
That's why they talk like Trumpfags. Lion:"Can you help me?"
Crocodile:"Are you crazy? Your father's goin...
surely going to see us!"
Shit, my ear's bleeding. This dubbing
hurts animals. And plants too.
You made a groundhog angry.
But we have to say this is a fake
of another fake. Because yes,
"The Lion King" too is a fake.
Simba and the lion king is an outrageous
fake of the japanese manga, then become anime,
Kimba the White Lion. Simba,
Kimba... how much effort. Kimba, he's an orfan too,
he talks too with parents in sky, he fights
with a black blind from an eye lion too, there's an army of hyenas here too,
he grows and meet the love,
do things here too... eeh, Disney, it isn't even the first time,
eh? Stupid... But we'll talk a bit better
in "The Lion King" resume, we have lots
of childhood to ruin. "Metal Man", that's an original one!
I know you're thinking it resemble someone else, but NOPE!
And anyways nothing will ever reach "The Amazing
Bulk", a... thing
of 2012, produced using stock images
of online bookstores as setups. A
scientist who works for government makes a whey
for increasing strength, ability, etcetera.
Villains with superpowers, etcetera. Exciting
plot twists, etcetera. But the plot is secondary
just to the interpretative vastness, deepness of
dialogues and dynamics. Like people who walk
on spot while the background moves. What a progressive thing,
what magnificence. Here we can see the incredible Bulk,
with the cock outside, running like he's shitting himself,
to a castle guarded by...
Spartans, or Vikings, I don't know. Or
touching lightly cars making them explode!
Look how much action, how much tension there is!
Let's look, for example, this incredible chase.
We have to say this wanted to be a sort of parody.
I think.
I hope. Who instead takes himself really seriously
is the Indian Star Wars. Look
how much is powerful this Jedi who's just been to the hairdresser,
ready to fight a Sith, who looks like
Adriano Pappalardo! There's even
C3PO! More or less, he-he got the
parkinson's deseas, but he's him. One of the greatest things, other than the
wonderful choreography and soundtracks
stolen from the original movies are the
sound effects.
They're the same sound effects from Bud Spencer's movies.
The audience of the fight is made of particularly confused guys that seem
to not have any idea of what's going on.
He got a towel on his head, so he must be really important.
Incredible acrobatics on the rope with endless looks
and senseless framing changes.
I swear, I didn't assemble it, it's made in this way
in the original movie.
Do another spin, come on. And in all of
this we don't have to forget about the turkish Star
Wars, with his training scenes punching
rocks, while music dies and
and a girl looks at him pitiful.
Guys, everyone stand up. Let's give
him FIFTEEN OSCARS!
And then obviously there's Supaidaman, the japanese version
of Spiderman.
Who transformed himself and fought enemies that
became gigantic... WITH A MEGAZORD! YEAH!
I won't say too much about him because
we already talked about him in the "Power Ranger" resume. And if
you believe nobody would ever be as
epic as a MEGAZORD,
well, you're wrong.
Because we're going to talk
about african movies.
Yeah.
And I'd say to begin with the nigerian
Spiderman. The plot is exciting:
someone is worshipping Satan, that for some reasons
has the head in a fish tank (don't ask anything),
Satan appears in all its glory, says some things and then
returns in the tank with an animation worth of the PlayStation
1. Dunno. Then there's a guy who wants to crap in
a farmland. But a hatchet pisses itself off, because it doesn't accept it!
You can't crap in a farmland! So, flying, it
clubs him.
And in the end it hatchets him, because it's an hatchet.
Hatchets are terrible people. At this point a
woman appears without a reason.
Don't ask anything. Then, at a certain point, a guy who
is dressed in a really handsome way as a tank
bearer, is penetrated by a spider that looks like a
crab, he transform himself in...
I can't not feel admiration for all of this!
Hence, you don't have money, you
don't have means, you don't have ability to do
something in computer graphic, you could have put
someone with a good Spiderman dress in tights...
and instead...
you do thus. You're great, you're great! (claps)
Look how much is powerful, how many flowing movements,
what moves!
Did I tell you Spiderman throws fireballs?
Anyway, that's not the only african Spiderman.
You can have an epileptic seizure. Here
Spiderman will fight even with a devil! Obviously,
I shall say. Devil with which he loves to play
vaulting horse, and using his things
(because they're not webs) to rob
astonished people. The devil loves to crash
on helicopters too, but in the end it will be killed
by a guy that comes out from Matrix.
African cinema is full of masters of arrange
art. (has difficulties)
For example look at this masterful
scene from another nigerian movie.
That, ladies and gentleman, that's an helicopter.
And this is a moving airplane crash scene.
There is even a female Spiderman. Well, obviously,
Spidergirl. Sort of. A woman is lying down
on the ground when a spider, big as a
football camp, puts himself on her thigh.
Ahh, curious spider! And then I dunno, thus. And nothing, there's nothing to say. The
rest is
perfection. The physics, ladies and gentleman,
the physics, look at how the gravity
works!
(Spiderman song)
But let's change movie and let's go to Ghana. Do you remember
the T1000 of Robocop (Terminator)? Leave it be,
you didn't see anything.
Well, here it is, the T1000 is a badass
guy with the pink shirt opened on the belly. If you see one of them,
I recommend you to lightly scream
and then you shoot. Then...
there are the guys who summon
lightnings, you see? Because...
well, lightnings... But keep calm, we don't have just
one Terminator movie.
Tell the truth, this intro made you get an
erection. At least for this guy that got that possessed
thing on his head. I don't know why. Look what a good
Terminator! From the trailer we see a woman too that was
washing the clothes when suddenly a head comes
out. Those are problems, it happens. By
the way she realizes it at last, it was there
and she sees it in the end, what do you want? She has
to be used, in fact she doesn't seem to be scared, but just
bothered. Obviously there are zombies too!
Obviously, there's Terminator, there have to be zombies, no?
I think they're zombies... And if Terminator:
part 1 and two isn't
enough, there is even Terminator
vs Alien!
Terminator walks erect, hiding a wicked
smelly armpit. In Ghana temperatures come
to 400° in the shade, but he's got the leather nail.
He can't take it off, both because
he's cool and because it melted. When
he meets an Alien. (Yes it's an Alien,
don't ask anything). The Alien kicks a car like it was Maradona,
but Terminator makes a MEGAPHOTONIC jump,
touches the moon and lands with style.
But the alien is pissed off, and from the ribs it comes out a gun's
stick! (Yeah, don't ask anything)
He shoots a really slow and big like
a shoe bullet, but strangely Terminator
avoids it masterfully. Then Terminator
throws a spinning blade from the elbow,
(Yeah, don't ask anything), that hits in full the Alien,
that in turn throws another spinning blade
that burns!
But Terminator doesn't give a shit about the fire,
So the Alien materializes from hands two bikes,
(Yeah, don't ask anything), tries to smash
Terminator, but he throws them with class,
making them explode on the unbreakable
estate of the brother-in-law. At this point, the Alien is tired,
and turned into a little flame returns
on his spaceship.
But you don't fuck with Terminator, and- (crash sounds)
Then, for some  reasons, we see a child. Since the Alien is
coming, the parent decides to leave the child to his
fate and he escapes.
But where do you go, despicable father? So the
Alien kicks the kid like a Nike ball.
But let's talk about the african Matrix:
B14 from Ghana.
Yeah, B14, and here too, in the trailer,
your ears will bleed. For all the time you'll hear
a guy screaming:
B14!
It's wonderful, it's a touching thing!
Here we can relive the typical epic atmospheres
of Matrix.
And most important-but that... but that's Scorpio!
Hi guys!
I'm Batman!
AH, NO, IT WAS ME, I TRICKED YOU! (laughs)
Batman's outfit is completely different.
This is his outfit.
Whit a bag full of bats in his hand and a selfie stick.
And he got powers, he can fly!
He flies badly, really badly. He gives atomic
haymakers, and summons an army of
bats.
I will die laughing. They're attacked by bats and they
scream "Hey, hey, hey!"
And to end this video it couldn'y miss the
ghanaian Mortal Kombat: "Aliens Aba
Ghana".
(title)
Crew, I don't care about anything.
I want the blow up of this thing here.
I didn't see anything more legendary, l-look at that
guy, goddamn... A portal opens
in the sky and blow out an Alien.
Then arrives Scorpio too. Obviously, no?
After the Alien, comes Scorpio. In
parallel, two guys fight and happen this.
I don't know why. Anyways this guy is strong, eh?
It can do this incredible move, too!
This mister is Scorpio in his casual outfit.
It's Scorpio, it's clear, it can even do the typical
climb tree move.
A guy is talking with his wife, who is bothering
him, and turn himself into Goro.
I don't know why. Anyway Goro is a piece of
shit who jumps on cars and throw them in air.
OH! Look at this asshole. We see other exciting fights,
like the guy who shoots fireballs from
hands or the helicopter who fights against
Cerberus. We find out that
the cool guy from before is actually
SubZero, in fact he frozes Goro
whit the typical Vigorsol move.
It's beautiful SubZero in this movie.
And then it's enough, please.
Stop, the video ends here.
I could continue endlessly, you haven't any idea-
What have you seen
are some of the most famous examples. But the real question is:
why
should I waste important hours
of my life searching and watching
those movies?
Well, for two good reasons: the first one is
because you're masochistic: you saw this video too,
so you deserve it. And the second is... ehm...
when you're playing with your friends
at the movie game...
I assure you those movies could be
really useful for you.
Greetings for DorianBe, who made
my fake in a really bad way. Dorian:"Hey, nonononono,
don't get you wrong!
I'm not DorianBe!
I'm Barbascura...
X!" Yeah... we'll see each other
with a bad resume that will be on something
I don't know, you'll see.
AND WE'RE DONE, LET'S GO ON! Greetings to all of you
from Barbascura...
X!
(explains his actions at the beginning of the video)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
