- It's been a couple weeks,
so I stayed in this really
nice like bed and breakfast.
The woman that was
running it every morning
she would ask me, she was like,
"are you gonna go hiking today?"
And all I could think was,
"Wow, this lady knows nothing about me."
(audience laughing)
"Hiking not today or ever."
(audience laughing)
I wouldn't hike to escape the Nazis.
(audience laughing)
Like if I was in that
movie, sound and music
and they're like, "to avoid the Nazis
head over those mountains."
I would have been, "mountains?"
(audience laughing)
"Isn't there a basement I could hide in?
I mean like a finished basement, yeah."
(audience laughing)
"One of like a keg and an NFL season pass,
you know what I'm talkin' about?"
I've been hiking.
The first thing you
noticed when you go hiking
is it's a mistake.
(audience laughing)
"Oh, we're not walking
anywhere in particular,
"there's nothing at the end of this trail,
"there's no bar restaurant.
Not even a vending machine,
we're just idiots."
(audience laughing)
There's always that
moment when you go hiking,
when you realize, "Oh no,
now we have to walk back."
(audience laughing)
"There's no exit through the gift shop."
(audience laughing)
I wanna like hiking, it's
like horseback riding.
You wanna like it and
then you get on a horse
and you're like, "that's right.
I'm not a 12 year old girl."
(audience laughing)
"Get me off this poor animal."
But hiking is huge.
It's huge, there's hiking clothing,
there's clothing for walking outside.
I thought all clothing
was for walking outside.
(audience laughing)
And there's whole parts of the country,
the entire Pacific Northwest,
everyone's dressed like there
could be an impromptu hike
at a moment's notice.
(audience laughing)
"Well, I'm going for a coffee,
but you never know what
a hike might break out."
(audience laughing)
"So I'll put it on some sturdy shoes
and a breathable fleece."
(audience laughing)
That joke was brought to you by Patagonia.
(audience laughing)
(audience applaud)
You usually hike with a friend, right?
And pretend you're in a viagra commercial.
(audience laughing)
"How is your erectile dysfunction?"
(audience laughing)
There's always that solo
hiker that looks like
they just got rid of a body.
(audience laughing)
"Was that guy with someone?"
(audience laughing)
"Why is it carrying a garbage bag?
"Is that Dexter?
Why'd you ask me to walk in the woods?"
But it's not just walking,
hiking involves an unnecessary
amount of climbing.
"You wanna climb up here?"
No, I don't want to climb up there.
I'm an adult, I have a driver's license.
(audience laughing)
I don't like climbing.
I don't like climbing into an SUV.
(audience laughing)
You know that final step
up, I'm always like,
"is this worth it?"
(audience laughing)
"We can't remember a normal car.
"What are we going on a safari?
"I better see a damn elephant
if I'm climbing into your gas guzzler."
But once you get in an
SUV are always like,
"Oh yeah.
Let's invade a reck."
(audience laughing)
"Out of my way,"
'cause everyone turns into
a jerk on an SUV like,
"I don't need a blank car."
(audience laughing)
Remember 15 years ago when they were like,
"stop buying us SUVs everyone.
They're wasteful and bad
for the environment."
And we were like, "okay,
I'd like to buy an SUV."
(audience laughing)
"No, I have a reason,
I don't care."
(audience laughing)
I don't own an SUV, I don't even own a car
'cause I'm a good person.
(audience laughing)
No, I live in New York
city and I have five kids,
so I just have them carry me around.
(audience laughing)
I know nothing about cars,
I come from a car family.
My dad loved cars,
my brothers love cars,
they talk about cars,
they go to car shows.
My brothers pay to look at
cars they will never drive.
And I thought strip clubs were weird.
(audience laughing)
Most of the accessories are wasted.
I mean I've never used cruise control.
The heated seats, I just
feel like I just wet myself.
(audience laughing)
"Oh this is nice, can we
swing by the emergency room?"
(audience laughing)
"I think this is also
a symptom of a stroke."
When I go home to Indiana,
I always rent a car.
My brother Mitch is always like,
"what kind of car you rent?"
I'm like, "it's blue."
(audience laughing)
"Is that 4 or 6 cylinders?"
"Blue."
(audience laughing)
I do know that the most
manly form of transportation
is a pickup truck
'cause my brother Mike has a pickup truck
and he's a real man.
And at this point, pickup truck
commercials give me anxiety.
(audience laughing)
They're like, "you can tow one ton,
"you can tow two tons,
you can go an aircraft carrier."
Why?
(audience laughing)
Why would you need that?
I only see it going to Cracker Barrel
(audience laughing)
(audience applaud)
But people that drive pickups,
they wanna be associated
with the work ethic.
And based on that, I
should drive a bread truck.
(audience laughing)
I also have my brother
Mike had a plant nursery
and I was like, "Hey,
if I buy a small tree,
can I put it on the back of your truck?"
And he's like, "no,
you'll get the bed dirty."
And I realized something, everyone I know
who owns a pickup truck is
not picking anything up.
(audience laughing)
It's like walking around
with a big empty suitcase.
(audience laughing)
"Are you going on a trip?"
"No, but I'm the type of guy who would.
(audience laughing)
Ram Tuff."
(audience applaud)
Ram Tuff.
(upbeat music)
- Wow, that was amazing.
I feel like we really connected.
I think you're ready to move
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