Hi, I’m Buck Schwartzmore, mayor of Brogden,
Pennsylvania.
Home of the Brogden Lions, a haunted rock
quarry,
and hopefully the future home of Amazon HQ2!
Word is that New Jersey's offering 7 billion
dollars in tax breaks.
Well, Brogden is willing to sweeten the pot
too,
we'll take 10 billion dollars in tax burdens
and shift them off you,
onto our local businesses and residents.
Go Lions!
I'm Mayor Steve Hightower of Anderson, Virginia
home of the Anderson Tigers and the world's
best tasting ham!
Anderson's known for our small town charm
and our unyielding crony capitalism.
Hell, our town seal is Mr. Monopoly beatin'
up a coal orphan.
And we're willing to grease the wheels with
15 billion dollars in refundable tax credits,
'cause we do what it takes here in Anderson.
Go Tigers!
Hi, Buck Schwartzmore again,
looks like our friends south of the Mason-Dixon
line have put on their big boy pants
ooh!
Well here in Brogden, we're willing to give
you 20 billion dollars
in direct kickbacks.
We're willing to go the extra mile for you
here in Brogden.
In fact, over the weekend, me and the city
manager drove down to Anderson Virginia
and broke a sh*t-ton of windows.
Go Lions!
Well the joke's on them!
Fixing all these broken windows is gonna be
great for our infrastructure spending!
Our economy is going to the moon!
That's why we're prepared to offer you guys
30 billion dollars
in unmarked non-sequential bills, no questions
asked.
We do what it takes, face it!
We got the land, we got the people, we got
the desire,
the only thing we don't have is a respect
for taxpayers or basic understanding of economics!
Come on down to Anderson Virginia!
Or should I say Amazon Virginia,
that's right, we will change the name of our
town.
Go Tigers!
Amazon Tigers.
Okay, first, tigers don't live in the Amazons,
that's just stupid.
Second, we've put 50 billion taxpayer dollars
in an untraceable overseas account,
that's yours for the taking.
Third, we'll not only rename the town, we'll
re-brand the Lions
the Amazon Primes!
The jerseys will have prime numbers on the
back of them,
the box seats will all look like Amazon Prime
boxes,
I mean, the whole concept just sings, really.
Go Primes!
Amazon Primes!
All right, bullet train, you want a bullet
train?
'Cause I will eminent domain this whole f*ckin
town
and build you the fastest train you ever saw.
We'll take it all the way to Seattle, I don't
give a sh*t.
You can blow up anything you want just for
fun around here.
You think I'm bluffin?
Watch:
Go Tigers.
Okay let's get real, real talk.
I have a shipment of pure uncut cocaine flown
in from Bogota every weekend.
You like women, men?
Hell I'll jump on the pile I just...
need those jobs.
I could be, senator, governor...
I will do anything for those jobs,
I will do-
anything.
I have in my hand a legal document
that entitles all high ranking employees at
Amazon to hunt and kill for sport
human beings inside the city limits of Amazon
Virginia.
All I have to do is sign it.
You have not lived until you have seen the
light go out in another man's eyes.
Full in the knowledge it was your cunning
and guile that extinguished it
a candle snuffed out that will never burn
again.
to take a soul from another human being
is to bond with an ancient energy in the universe
to touch the face of God himself.
All of this I offer you and more.
Go Tigers!
