After a seemingly endless wait, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, one of the most prolific hitters of all time, was suspended by MLB commissioner Bud Selig this afternoon for the rest of this season and all of next season for taking banned performance-enhancing drugs and attempting to undermine the league’s investigation. What makes A-Rod’s transgression particularly unforgivable is that he was already caught juicing a few years ago: In 2009, Sports lllustrated reported that A-Rod failed a drug test in 2003.

In an interview with ESPN two days later, A-Rod, dressed wholesomely in a blue sweater, fessed up to taking banned substances for three years, from 2001 through 2003. He also apologized profusely, sought forgiveness from his fans, and promised that he had turned a new page. Obviously, it was all bullshit. Here are the fifteen lines that, in hindsight, are the most hilariously phony.

“I just feel that, you know, I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for that time. I’m sorry to my fans.”

“I couldn’t feel more regret and feel more sorry because I have so much respect for this game, and, you know, the people that follow me and respect me.”

“I realized that, you know what, I don’t need any of it, and what I have is enough.”

“You get to a point where you get tired of being stupid and selfish and not being honest with yourself. And that’s what I realized in ’03.”

“There’s absolutely no excuse, and I really feel bad about it.”

“I want to do things to influence children and realize they should learn from my mistake because, you know, it’s the biggest regret I have in my life because baseball’s given me everything, and I have so much respect.”

“I felt it was important for me that all my years in New York have been clean, and I wanted just to move to the next chapter in my life.”

“Today, I’m here to tell the truth, and I feel good about that. I think my fans deserve that. I’m ready to put everything behind me and go play baseball.”

“When you take this gorilla and this monkey off your back, you realize that honesty is the only way. I’m finally beginning to grow up. I’m pretty tired of being stupid and selfish, you know, about myself.”

“The most important thing for me in my career is to be honest and forthright.”

“I’m responsible for this. And I’m deeply sorry for that.”

“I just ask the American public to look at those three years as something that – as an aberration. I screwed up in those years. I was stupid. I was naive. And ever since I’ve been doing the right thing and proud of.”

“It may never go away. But, you know, being honest is absolutely the only thing for me to do right now.”

“I feel good today about coming forward and being honest and turning the page to the next chapter in my life.”

“I mean, you know, the one good thing is, I feel the truth will always set you free.”