Praise Jesus Claus, Santa Christ, and the Holy Mr. Bear! Jodie Sweetin has a new book coming out titled, “unSweetined,” which is a memoir of her life. Now personally I would have called it either of the following: “How Rude: How Mr. Bear Got Me Hooked on Wine and Meth” or something catchier like, “I Never Got Over the Death of Papouli: The Jodie Sweetin Diaries.”

Moving on. According to our friends (who don’t know us) at People Magazine, we can learn a lot about the demons that Jodie fought after Full House wrapped after 8 mind-numbing seasons. For example:

Jodie got so drunk at Candace Cameron’s wedding that she puked and was carried out: Oh shiz! Wait until Danny finds out about this! Stephanie and DJ are going to have to come up with a song better than “Dad, Dad, Dad…He’s So Rad, He’s Our Dad” to get out of this. Also, Jodie doesn’t confirm if by Candace’s wedding she meant the wedding to that hockey player or Uncle Jesse’s Greek nephew. Eh, scratch that. I’m pretty sure they got divorced by walking backwards around the kitchen table.

Jodie did ecstacy in high school and cocaine in college: More shocking that Jodie went to college?

At the Olsen Twins premiere of their movie, “In a New York Minute,” Jodie was “high as a kite” on the red carpet and snorted meth in a bathroom stall. Jodie brags, “I look at photos from that event and I didn’t even look strung out!” : Impressive. I wonder if Jodie was a little more strung out than she thought because I think she confused the “red carpet” from “In a New York Minute” with her “living room couch” whilst watching the direct-to-video of the Olsen Twins singing “I’m the Cute One.”

Jodie was adopted when she was 9-months old and her real mom abused drugs and her dad was killed in a prison riot: Um, her dad was Danny Tanner and her mom died shortly after Michelle was born. Drugs much?

I’m hoping Jodie’s book also is available in the audio version because I’d like to listen to it on repeat whilst I sleep. Also, if Jodie is asking for my advice, and I think she is, she’s going to need a huge bomb to really sell the piss out of this book, similar to the way Mackenzie Phillips did. Oh, I don’t know…off the top of my head…uh….em…er….uh….ok, perhaps she had a consentual sexual relationship with both Papouli and Mr Woodchuck? Did somebody say…..wooood? Or maybe she used the one Olsen who wasn’t filming scenes that day, as a drug-mule? Maybe she gave sexual pleasure to Comet? Maybe she had a three-way with Kimmy Gibbler and DJ’s Spanish teacher that kissed Danny? Sky is the limit, Sweetin, sky is the limit!

I would like to interview Jodie for this blog. Just putting it out there.

“unSweetined” comes out on November 3rd. Buy it, read it, buy it again. Buy it for all of your Christmas gifts. Buy it, read it, record you reading it, put it on iTunes, have Kandi from Real Housewives of Atlanta remix it, and then buy that song version of the book.