Published: October 8, 1997

When the world is being attacked by aliens from Venus, or the sinister Gorilla Grodd turns everyone into apes, or if an alternate-universe Superman begins a crime spree, you can count on one thing: The Superfriends will fly to the rescue. The Invisible Jet and the Bat-Plane will soar in, with Superman, and the Flash flying close behind and ..... wait one second...



The most important exposé you will read this year

by Kevin Hines No, the Flash cannot fly. Yet, fly he did. The other day I was watching an episode of the Superfriends on the fabulous Cartoon Network. The Legion of Doom had come up with yet another implausible plan ( most likely involving time travel ), and the Superfriends had begun to take action. Superman flew off, followed by Black Lightning and then the Bat-Jet. Next thing I knew, it happened. The Flash took off and flew right into the sky behind the Bat-Jet.

The Hall of Justice

...but not, it seems, of truth. I was furious!*

The Superfriends is constantly riddled with mistakes, most of which I don't mind. Batman's lips may move while Wonder Woman talks, or Aquaman's hair may change colors for a short time, but these are simple technical errors. The Flash flew directly towards the screen. This error could not be caused by poor editing or rushed animation. He didn't run in the sky, and it wasn't Green Lantern miscolored with a red outfit. No, the Flash put his hands forward and legs together and without even an "up up and away" he had taken flight. It wasn't even a one-time mistake. In another show, the Flash flies to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge, grabs the cables and soars over to tie up a toppling skyscraper. Sure, this foiled Captain Cold's evil plan, but the Flash could have just run up the bridge.

Apache Chief

When it comes to height,

he has no reservations. The writer of this episode actually beleived the Flash could fly. Ridiculous! He didn't give Robin toxic breath, and he was able to keep all of El Dorado's ridiculous powers straight. What's so difficult about the Flash? There is no super hero more simple to understand than the Flash. The Flash runs fast. Thats it. No laser vision, no mental telepathy, no teleportation, no shape changing. One power. He runs. He doesn't even have a magic lasso or utility belt. The other charcters were executed correctly. For instance, Apache Chief never left the ground, and Bizarro never spoke in complete sentences. Even the Wonder Twins are more complicated, but I never once saw Zan turn into a non-water based object. If the writer knew enough to do all that, how demanding is it to remember the Flash can't fly?

The Wonder Twins

"We need to catch the Flash when he falls!

Form of an ice-net!" I don't ask much. I don't complain when Darkseid defeats 12 superheroes with two laser blasts but runs in terror at the sight of Superman. I don't complain when Lex Luthor calls the team "The Super-Fools" for the eighth time in the episode, yet still finds his joke amusing, and I don't even complain when Marvin claims he is Super-Marv just because he is wearing a cape. Any cartoon that can teach me how to make a bank from a milk carton or warn me to never swim without a buddy should be able to handle the Flash. The Flash runs fast. That's it.

Kevin Hines is a regular contributor for Spite Magazine. Among his extensive comic book collection, one of his favorites was called "Groo."