ABC

I feel sick to my stomach even writing this. Friends, Romans, Instagram shills, the day we always knew was coming has finally arrived. Call your kids and tell them that, yes, it's time, and yes, they can put the plane tickets on your credit card. Wells is passing on to the next world (Puerto Vallarta) and there's nothing any of us can do about it. I know you all must have a lot of questions, which I promise will be addressed at my press conference in the Rose Garden later this afternoon. But let's rewind: Wells gets a date card from Jojo that says "You better kiss me on this date or your ass is getting Eva Perón-ed right out of here." The other boys make fun of him for not having kissed her yet, which is mean and dumb of them. "I don't know how he does it; I can't keep my hands off her," boasts Robby. Haha, classic Wells! Respecting a person's bodily autonomy and being mature enough to not grope them at every given opportunity is soooo lamesauce. Wells and Jojo go to Fuerza Bruta, which is apparently a chain? There's definitely one a few blocks from my apartment, I swear to God. I always kind of thought it was a restaurant. It's not, it's a nightclub-esque horror show (?) wherein mermaid-looking girls thrash above the crowds in some kind of transparent Slip-n-Slide. Wasn't this one of the photoshoots on America's Next Top Model? Wells and Jojo get a chance to try their hand at being Fuerza Brutes and Wells Slip-n-Slides right on into Jojo's mouth. Jojo then squeals "That was it, Wells! That was the moment!" which I thought was awfully childish of her. Stop belittling the dude! He is the oldest and most normal person on this show! The remainder of the date does not go Wells for him at all. At dinner, he starts sweating like an iced coffee in the sun because he is too tender for the Argentinian heat. He then tells Jojo that his last relationship ended because they had more of a friendship than a romance, and Jojo goes "That's literally so crazy because that's exactly what I was just thinking about you. I can't give you this rose." Back at the Best Western Buenos Aires, a production assistant picks up Wells' very strange-looking suitcase (like truly, go back and look at it) and all the guys make fun of him some more. Awww. Goodnight, tender prince. You are a sweet buttermilk donut too good for this world.