TORONTO, ON—Doug McLenin, a retired exterminator from St. Thomas, Ontario, looked on in disgust as 31-year-old Janice Hervey breastfed her son in front of fellow subway passengers while making minimal effort to conceal the act.

Due to his pure repulsion, McLenin nearly spilled his Red Bull on his already-stained shirt. In an effort to silence her noisy newborn—whose inability to go hungry for the remainder of the subway ride is clearly a sign of its own weakness — Hervey proceeded to provide nourishment for her child until it peacefully fell asleep.

McLenin wanted to clarify for the record that he's normally "a huge fan of boobs" but that this seemed different.

"I'm sorry, but this is a complete invasion of personal space," McLenin declared as he hoisted his Crocs up on the chair beside him, absently helping himself to as much public territory as possible. McLenin also expressed utter confusion as to why the baby didn't have a big enough breakfast to hold him through the commute, like he had the foresight to do.

McLenin says he typically spends his commutes looking at used cars on his phone, even though he isn't currently looking to purchase a car. But today he "just felt like looking up" and says his freedom was immediately jeopardized due to Hervey's reckless and horrifying act of attentive parenting.

"What was I supposed to do, look somewhere else?" asked McLenin as he blew his nose and put the Kleenex back into his pocket. "If I want to stare at women on the subway without being subjected to nature, that's my right."

Fellow passengers were so traumatized by the experience that they continued to quietly go about their business, almost as if this wasn't the biggest travesty they had experienced or even the 15th most unsettling thing they'd seen on public transit.



In a defiant act of selfishness and protest, Hervey says she plans to breastfeed her one-month old child for 2-5 more months.