Time to get Inside December 8, 2011

He fogged up the glass with his breath and drew a heart with his index finger. It was harder to see his face now but I knew he was smiling as he motioned towards it and pointed at me. I shook my head, half in amusement and half in disbelief, and rolled my eyes at him. He couldn’t be real. I mean, who does that? Especially for me?

He waved from inside the car, shrugged, and drove off. I waited until he was out of sight to let my face give into the grin that was forming on it. I felt like jumping and the world felt like it was spinning and this stupid, stupid grin threatened to grow and take over all the motor functions on my face. Clenching my teeth was all I could do to stop myself from laughing or shouting. I must have looked like the Cheshire cat, all teeth with a mysterious air of satisfaction. If this is supposed to be like drug addiction then I already knew I wanted another hit.

For the first time in a long time I felt wanted instead of wanting. There were no excuses or roadblocks, only a desire to be with me and the actions that carried that out. It wasn’t a guessing game and I wasn’t the choice after all other options had been exhausted. I was the option. Uncertainty be damned. It was choice, the choice to take those uncertainties and undefined x factors and doubts and move forward anyway. It’ll never all get figured out and worrying about it was just a waste of time. What mattered was the choice and the conviction to deal with things as they came. The reason? Simply that I was wanted and worth it, and that felt strange.

The leaves had turned brown months ago and frost was forming on the branches. Even with my coat buttoned the chill somehow found its way past my defenses. My face was getting numb, both from the cold and the strain of clenching my teeth. These days it got dark earlier and the sun must have sunk while I wasn’t looking. I didn’t even realize I was shivering. It was time to get inside.