You got a card from me, aren’t you special? But, like, in the good, kinda sarcastic way… (Jesus, I hope you’re not retarded)

Dear G,

I haven’t worked at this store for about two weeks, but I figured that since I remember your address (I think it’s creepy too!) that I might as well write you the thank you card that I owed you. I didn’t get fired from manners for inappropriate conduct!

First off, I apologize for the lateness of my reply. I have been dealing with a lot lately, it being Memorial Day Weekend and all, and me having to find, and apologize to soooo many German tourists that I drunkenly chased around Pershing Square yelling, “Never Forget!” It was like 15.

So anyway, you bought a phone, right? Thanks for that. Also, if your name isn’t G____, then maybe I’m thinking of an ex-girlfriend, I usually am (also, you’re a man, aren’t you?).

- Mike