Today is a milestone in my life- a milestone that only women who have been here would understand. It’s been five years since I made the decision to have an abortion. Today, though, is easier than last year and the year before that. I’ve struggled a lot with myself and my choice over the years and I’ve finally reached that point in healing where my decision has settled comfortably in my life. There are still bad days- still guilt, anger, remorse, dissapointment in mysef… but more and more there is acceptance, healing, and peace.

I had a very sheltered life as a child. I was the quiet, reserved, studious kid. While my sibling was out, running the town getting into trouble, I was at home largely forgotten. I learned easily from my siblings mistakes and despite never having any of “the talks” with my parents I knew what was expected of me and what was right and wrong.

I wasn’t a happy adolescent. Most of the time I just felt alone and ignored. I didn’t have many friends and I never dated. My home life was far from perfect. I had generally good parents and I never wanted for the things I needed. But I could never shake this feeling of loneliness- of being in the way and not being wanted.

The summer after my senior year of high school was my first step out into the world. I moved to a national park for work and spent the whole summer away from everything and everyone I knew. That summer was when I met the man I would marry. I was swept up in fairy tale romances and the notion of finding true love… any love. I thought that once I found the right man I would never feel alone again. The summer went by quickly and I wish I could say uneventfully- but little did I know that my life was set in motion, down this crash course that I never would have expected.

I met my husband while working during the summer of 2006. To be short and sweet and to the point. I didn’t love him, I didn’t want to marry him- more than anything I felt sorry for him. One thing led to another and we dated- and in august of 2006 at 18 and in my very first relationship, I realized that I was pregnant. The man I was seeing asked me to marry him- after only having known each other for 3 months- and I foolishly said yes. I didn’t say yes because I was in love or even wanted to be married. I said yes because I couldn’t shake this need to have my own family that loved and cared for me, and knowing that I wouldn’t be alone.

I knew I didn’t care about this man that I was seeing but the thought of getting married and having a child that I could love and that would love me, made me incredibly excited. However, I miscarried a few short weeks after finding out.

After having the miscarriage I moved to Arizona and began college. I vividly remember a phone call with my step-mother, that I’d received shortly after getting to Arizona: she had found out that I was (or better- had been) pregnant before leaving for college and she said to me, “Are you pregnant? I don’t care if you went and ‘took care of it’ but we need to know that your being safe now” and that lead into an uncomfortable conversation about birth control and ‘being safe’.

I remember the intense feeling of outrage and disgust at even the mention of having an abortion- of killing my own child. I would NEVER do something like that… only horrible women had abortions…

I can honestly say that I was naive and jaded and in love with the idea of love. so I did the most rational thing I could think of- I ran away. I ran away to Utah to meet the man that I had spent the summer with. I sold everything and bought a bus ticket and the entire trip I mentally slapped myself because I knew I was making a mistake, I knew I was being stupid. But once I’d reached Utah I had the fairy tale ending of being able to rush into the arms of someone who was waiting there just for me, someone who cared about me.

Life took a drastic turn at that point- and I finally admitted what a terrible mistake I’d made. We had gotten married and only afterwards I realized how manipulative and abusive the man I married was. I realized that I didn’t know him at all. And more importantly I realized that he cared for me as little as I cared for him. But I was resigned to making things work- because, after all, being in an unhappy marriage was better than being alone. So we left Utah and moved back to my home state in November of 2006. In late December of 2006 I found out that I was pregnant again.

This time around the joy and excitement of learning I was pregnant was nowhere to be found. I was mortified at the though of having my husbands child. Psychologically it weighed heavily on me. I began getting sick and was in constant pain, not because I was physically ill, but because I was mentally torturing myself. At this point in the pregnancy abortion still had not crossed my mind- I was resigned to suffering and dealing with it and somehow raises this child. Even now, five years later, it is not easy to admit that every day I spent pregnant I secretly wished I would miscarry.

On my birthday in February we ended up in our local emergency room- me suffering from severe abdominal pain. After waiting all night I finally had an ultrasound preformed and largely ignored the fact that they were poking and prodding at me. I didn’t even care about looking at the screen. I think this was the breaking moment for me where I finally decided that I did not want to and could not have this child. I would rather have died that night on the table then continue down the path that I was on.

A few days later I scheduled an appointment at planned parenthood for something called “options counseling.” They did a general exam and then began discussing what my choices were- parenting, adoption, or abortion. I became hysterical and inconsolable, openly admitting I didn’t want to be pregnant but that I, also, couldn’t have an abortion. The nurse was of little help and sent me away with some papers and a few phone numbers.

It wasn’t until a few weeks after having visited planned parenthood that I finally pulled out the sheet and began looking at the numbers for abortion clinics in Montana. Being Montana, abortion services are incredibly limited. One clinic preformed abortions before 12 weeks and the other preformed them after 12 weeks. I crossed my fingers and called the before 12 weeks clinic.

The people on the phone were friendly and compassionate and after a brief questionnaire I was scheduled to undergo a vacuum aspiration abortion that Friday morning March 9, 2007- just a few short days away. The counselor went over costs with me and explained how payment worked- cash before the procedure. There was no way I could come up with the over $400 in weeks times and I felt my heart sink at the realization that I wouldn’t be able to go. After I had hung up the counselor had called a friend who handled state insurance cases. And that women was able to get me immediate coverage to cover the cost of the procedure. I don’t want to say it was a stroke of luck- but that’s certainly what it felt like at the time. The week passed and I continued secretly hoping I hadn’t waited too long. I had to drive over 300 miles to reach the clinic and I would have been devastated if I had finally gotten there and been turned away.

I left the day of my appointment very optimistic- I felt like a different person. It was like any other car trip if you overlook the reason for making it. A few close family and friends had tried to convince me I was making a mistake and to not go through with it, however, somewhere along the way I just snapped and shut down emotionally. I told my husband he didn’t have a choice or say in what I was doing and that I didn’t care what he thought. I also told him that he would not be coming with me because I didn’t want to be anywhere near him- looking back I can’t believe I was so heartless and cold- but at the time I didn’t feel anything.

I made it to the clinic- a tidy and serene building with blue awnings. This particular clinic was not simply an abortion clinic- it’s a family practice that serves children, women, men, and the elderly- abortion was just one of the many women health services they offered.

I remember going to a room and having a blood test and an ultrasound preformed. I watched as the nurse tucked the images from the ultrasound into my chart and set it on the counter as she left to prep the next room I would be going to. I stared at the folder for a long time, briefly thought about getting up and going to look at the images safely tucked away inside, but then realized that I didn’t care about seeing them. All that kept going through my mind was, “I’m having an abortion at 11 weeks and 5 days- it was almost too late.”

Three years after my abortion I called back the compassionate counselor I had originally spoken to and requested a copy of my records including the original ultrasound pictures- the only thing I have left of a child I knew so briefly.

I went to the next room, your average og/gyn suite and got ready for the doctor to come in. The nurse gave me an oral medicine and asked to lie back and relax. I was calm and ready to get everything over with when the doctor finally came in- it’s weird looking back on it now, I don’t remember if the doctor was a man or woman, I don’t remember the sound of their voice, or what they looked like- but I remember everything they said. A very nice nurse stood by my side and comforted me as the doctor began.

I began experiencing the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I remember the doctor becoming concerned and saying, “It’s not suppose to hurt that bad.” The nurse then asked if it was okay to give me a shot and explained that it would make me sleepy and dizzy but that I would remain awake. I began drifting in and out of consciousness and clearly remember the nurse getting upset and trying to keep me awake. My head kept rolling from side to side and I just remember feeling like I was no longer a part of my body anymore.

The drug wore off quickly, just as they were finishing the procedure. The doctor said that they were done and that they had to go to the lab and confirm something, after which I would be allowed to get dressed and go see the counselor. I was still dizzy and the room was tilting from side to side. I remember standing up and walking across the room to a table- I felt like I was walking sideways on the wall. On the other side of the room was a table with all the doctors tools- everything they had just used on my. I just stood their staring at everything- everything covered in blood- and I couldn’t move.

The nurse came back in and seemed shocked that I was standing, staring, not moving. She helped me get dress and get to the next room. The drug they gave me finally wore off completely and I began talking to the counselor again. Everything went even quicker at this point- I got a shot for birth control, contact and aftercare information and was allowed to leave- I felt like I had been in their for hours but walked out less than 2 hours after walking in.

I felt an overwhelming and almost debilitating sensation of relief- of being free, alive, and that everything was going to be okay now. I felt like I hadn’t felt in month- the pain and agony disappeared instantaneously. I left the abortion clinic, took my niece to the park, ate lunch, and drove the entire way home. I moved forward and didn’t look back- everything was better now.

A year later- to the day that I had conceived the child I aborted (that is very hard to say- even now) I got pregnant again. This pregnancy was no easier and there was little joy. And it was only after giving birth that I was overwhelmed with guilt, remorse, regret, anger, hatred, and so many other things because of the choice that I had made. I would hold my tiny child in my arms, nuzzle his cheek, or hear him coo- and would be overtaken by bittersweet emotions at the joy of experiencing the wonders of someone so small while also remembering everything that I had denied the child I had aborted. I had taken all those precious moments from my daughter- she would never smile or laugh, she would never reach out a tiny hand or learn to walk. She was perfect and healthy and I ended everything that could have been.

I worked through that belated grief- I found an amazing group of woman who also had experienced abortion and we laughed and cried- and healed together. The second year anniversary of my abortion was dark and my life seemed hopeless and I’m amazed that, now, five years later I can look back and say that I’m okay with my choice, what I’ve been through, and who I am today.

I don’t regret what I did- if I had the choice to go back and do things differently I wouldn’t. I do feel remorse, I do feel sadness- but I would not be who I am now without experiencing this time in my life. Yes, it’s heartbreaking, yes it’s horrible to look at from the outside. It’s easy to judge and condemn and few can understand without having been there themselves.

I think it’s important for women everywhere to know that they are not alone and that, even more importantly it is OKAY to talk about this, it is okay to share your experience- your whys, hows, and when- without trying to justify your actions to someone else. I have never shared my story publicly before- and despite being active in abortion issues I am still terrified, and nervous, and don’t want to make myself vulnerable and open like this- but I am, I need to- and I can only hope that one person will come across this and find hope, acceptance, or healing.

Love Bonnie