Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: We have two happy, healthy kids under 5 and are past all the major little-kid milestones — they sleep great, are potty-trained, etc. Spouse wants to add to the family. When it first came up I said I was neutral on the idea but would go along if that was what spouse really wanted. Spouse did and birth control ended. Nothing happened.

My spouse made appointments with fertility docs a couple of months ago without discussion. This irked me but I didn’t say anything and went along, including blood tests, “samples” and signing my life away on paperwork.

Entering into the second round of fertility treatments I find myself drifting into this-just-isn’t-worth-it while spouse has pretty much gone all-in. There is a lot of tension in our relationship at the moment — me because I’m wavering hard and spouse from the disappointment of no success.

For what it’s worth, my spouse tends to make emotional decisions, and part of me questions if she is subconsciously seeking some sort of validation or attention via pregnancy. My decision-making is generally much more practical so the costs weigh on me (bigger house, another vehicle, etc.), plus I’m not excited about sleepless nights, parenting till 60-plus and the heightened chance of birth defects/special needs that come with our ages.

I also end up with well more than 50 percent of childrearing and household chores because of my job proximity and flexibility. I do this gladly, but adding to my plate doesn’t get me excited. Is it okay going forward if I’m neutral at best? I love my kids more than anything and no doubt would love hypothetical No. 3.

Adding to the Family

Adding to the Family: A rephrasing, if I may: “Is it okay going forward if I’m holding in so many objections that I’ve stopped communicating with my wife, started to resent her and fundamentally question her motives?” Perhaps that doesn’t fit the situation, but it fits your description thereof.

I’m sympathetic to your misgivings, but when you silently, irkedly “went along,” that was big trouble.

You needed to speak up! Now the gulf between you widens as her emotional investment deepens. Please start a badly needed conversation by apologizing for your decision not to speak up right away.

Actually, scratch that — please figure out what you want. To humor your wife? Say no more kids? To humor her only up to some line you won’t cross? (Age, degree of medical intervention, etc.)

●If you choose the former, please go all in. No pretending to be on her team while doing a full-court suppress.

●If enough is enough, then please say so nicely — not with theories on her wanting attention, egad, but with a wholehearted appreciation for her loss. Yes, loss — expect she has imagined this child so clearly that she’s actually grieving.

●And if you choose the middle, then lead with compassion: “When I supported trying for another child, I didn’t foresee it going this far and bringing you so much stress and sadness.”

Enlisting a skilled family therapist might make sense. Still open with the apology for not speaking up, though: Admit the effort outgrew your ability to process it. That can happen with infertility and with one-more-child disagreements, and, wow, you’ve got both.