this comment is something i wanted to say a long time ago, but couldnt because of several reasons. one of them being my fear that the events happen again if i talk about them. this is not about losing a loved one, but about losing what is the easiest to be lost: control of your life.

if you dont want to read this, i dont blame you.



a few years ago, i got my first gaming device, a Nintendo DS Lite with Pokémon Diamond version. until then, i knew pokémon only from TV, and i got addicted to the game. i didnt want to catch them all, i just replaced my real life friends with my pokémon and wanted to spend time with them. i did not eat or sleep, i faked diseases and my mom sent me to a therapist because she believed i would hurt myself. she soon got asked if she was hurting me, and it nearly destroyed my family, until my Nintendo DS Lite broke and i couldnt play anymore. though i didnt try to kill myself, i just spent the days in my room crying and wishing to be in the pokéworld when i open my eyes, together with all my pokémon. i then got a computer and found a game called Antbuster TD. its main goal is to keep ants from stealing your cake using towers, but the thing is: u cant win. ok, the game crashes once u reached 999.999.999 points and score another one, but other than that, it just keeps getting harder. as u might guess, ive played it a lot. i went back to school, but instead of learning, i made tactics for this game. where to place which tower, when to place said towers, such things. after i crashed the game 5 time, i found my first MMORPG. i met some friends there, joined a guild, defeated nearly every other guild in the game, became the leader of the guild, there was literally nothing that could do me any harm. i had a 500 health per second regeneration factor, the strongest armor and weaponry in the game and was the leader of the 5th best guild in the entire game. then, one day, there was a player, who defeated some of the lower-level members of my guild. i challanged him and he asked me if we wanted to make it an all or nothing battle. i agreed, and he defeated me. he used a very weak weapon, but it stopped the target from regenerating health. after the first strike, i already lost. he gave me five minutes to say farewell to anyone in my guild. i just told them what happened, and that they should leave the guild form a new one and wait for my return. i also told them the codeword i would use so they can identify me, then i put my entire inventory in the guild´s chest and talked with someone who played the game just for fun, instead of making it the main focus of his life, like i did. i told him that i wouldnt return anytime soon, and that he should have my best weapon. i gave it to him and told the guy who defeated me my account data, then i logged out for the last time. several weeks of crying, walking around outside during the night and more crying later, i checked my e-mails and found one from someone i didnt know. it was the mother of the guy i gave my best weapon to. she told me her son had a severe mental disorder and that i was one of the few things that gave him hope. losing the contact to me was the worst thing that ever happened to him, and he is in hopsital now because he tried to kill himself out of frustration. i not only ruined my own life, but also almost killed someone else i didnt even know in real life. after that, i isolated myself from anyone and barely taled to my family, if i ever said anything.

but then, one day, i was watching TV like i used to in my childhood, i saw My Little Pony. and actually, i have no idea what exactly it was that kept me interesed in it, it was the first 2 episodes of season 1 after all, but i kept watching it, and soon found out about the brony fandom. at first i thought it was something small and nothing real, but then i saw a picture of one of the BroNYCons and started searching for brony youtubers. it took almost 15 years for me to talk to someone im not related to, but since i do, im very happy, but also mad at myself for not doing so earlier. i just wish there were any bronies where i live, so we could talk in person.



thanks for reading everyone.