Oh, honey. Are you ready for season 10, honey? I don’t think you are, honey. It’s fierce as hell, honey. Sickening the house down boots, honey.

K, I’m done. Let’s get into this season 10 extravaganza!

First things first: If you thought the werk room was really bright before, get ready for your eyes to bleed. It got a makeover since All Stars 3, and it looks … well, extremely gay.

Time for the queens to enter! First one through them doorseses is Eureka, season 9’s Elephant Queen!

Eureka is super duper excited to be back. She even kisses the werk room floor.

The first non-Eureka queen to arrive is Asia O’Hara, a sassy, polished Texas showgirl. She and Eureka bond for a bit over being extra, but not before Asia almost dies by feather stabbing.

The next one in is a gorgeous, beautifully dressed queen who comes in… screaming about dinner.

Miz Cracker‘s peculiar name is based on both the fact that she is “thin, white, and very salty…” and also the racial slur.

Next up is Yuhua Hamasaki, a stunning, super lively Asian queen.

Miz Cracker and Yuhua are both from New York, and they know each other. But what Cracker didn’t know is that despite her Japanese-sounding last name, Ms. Hamasaki is actually Chinese. Also, full of sass.

The next one fresh off the boat is Blair St. Clair, a young, tiny little Broadway queen who’s just starting out in the business and is looking for her first big break. Did I mention she’s young?

The next queen comes in sweeping the floors…

But wait! She has a reveal! In her entrance look!

This spectacular creature is Monét X Change. I mean, that name? That entrance? We’re done here. Everyone else can go home. Thanks!

Next up is Kameron Michaels, a tatted-up muscle queen from Nashville. Everything from the neck down is gorge, but I’m not a fan of how that wig is sitting on her head. Still, she seems really nice.

Make room for Mayhem Miller, because she’s here to slay!

Mayhem comes in and at least two of the other queens already know her by name. That’s how you know this one’s a huge threat. Well, that and that lewk.

This next queen’s look is a bit more basic, but she pulls it off with so much confidence, it doesn’t matter. It’s Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams!

Number 10 on season 10 is Monique Heart, who has a whole little choreographed number coming into the werk room.

Her wig is a little thirsty, but her makeup is fierce and she is serving it. She’s also really funny. Miz Cracker introduces herself and Monique’s face gets stuck in this pose for about a minute.

I like this next one already: Dusty Ray Bottoms comes in bringing us cutesy ’50s schoolgirl who straight-up exploded.

It’s a fierce look, and I love her grungey attitude.

Speaking of attitude…

This Chicago queen is serving fierceness by the gallon. It’s The Vixen, and she ain’t here to fuck around. She’s into politics and likes to perform at protests. A queen with a message!

This next queen is Vanessa Vanjie Mateo, drag daughter of the sickening Alexis Mateo. Not only is her look totally incredible, but she is super damn entertaining. She comes in with two extremely quotable lines within her first twenty seconds: “Get these cookies,” and “Thottin’ and boppin’.” I’m in love.

Last but not least, it’s Aquaria, a fabulous bitch with an at-ti-tude! I was hoping her full-of-herself shtick was just going to be a Meet the Queens thing, but I guess she’s always just super confident. It looks like she’s allowed, though, because 90% of these other queens know who she is. Werk.

Right away, we’re treated to some Alyssa/Coco, Eureka/Trinity-style T: Aquaria and Miz Cracker are huge rivals who perform in the same circles and apparently always do the same thing. So their relationship is very very awkward.

Well, this is it, girls! Fourteen queens. Oh honey, we’re already 700 words into this recap and I’ve only covered the first ten minutes! But don’t go anywhere, betch: it’s about to get juicy.

Now that everyone’s here, RuPaul comes in!

RuPaul is excited to get season 10 started, with a fierce hashtag: #DragRace.

Before we get to the serious business, it’s time for a fierce mini-challenge. The girls are brought out into a room full of queens from past seasons.

The mini-challenge? Oh, just werk the runway in front of almost all the best queens from Drag Race. No big deal!

Mayhem Miller sets the bar really high by doing a cartwheel on the runway in a damn pageant gown. Respect.

Meanwhile, Miz Cracker gets to run into her drag mama, season 8’s Bob the Drag Queen!

Dusty Ray Bottoms had a reveal planned for just this occasion! Bitch came prepared.

Monét X Change gives us gorgeous vogue moves crossed with comedy and gets a laugh out of Trixie Mattel, which is a good sign for sure.

Aquaria is doing really well until she loses her balance and accidentally slaps Jinkx Monsoon right in the punum.

With that incredible mini-challenge out of the way, the season 10 girls get back to the werk room to de-drag for the first time. Dusty Ray Bottoms, who’s already done, announces he’s been keeping an eye on everyone trying to figure out who the “booger” is. Behind him, The Vixen calls out “If you can’t spot the booger…”

Kameron Michaels, the muscular tatted queen, gets out of drag, and is obviously a total hunk as a boy. Everyone around him is basically just trying not to drool at this point.

RuPaul comes back into the werk room to announce the mini-challenge’s winner: it’s Monét X Change!

Now for the maxi-challenge: We’re bringing back season one’s very first challenge, “Drag on a dime!” The queens are going to have to use literal trash from the 99-cent store to create a custom fashion lewk.

The gals get some junk in their trunk and start coming up with ideas. Vanessa Vanjie Mateo grabs a bunch of flowers to make a princess look. Yuhua Hamasaki wants to go Lady Gaga-style and use a bunch of caution tape for a lewk. Dusty Ray Bottoms is using a car sun visors for a dress. And, as it turns out, so is Blair St. Clair.

Fast-forward to the next day—elimination day!—and the girls are getting their looks together.

The girls ask Eureka about the knee surgery she had after she left season 9. It was much more serious than she thought and she almost lost the ability to dance. But she worked hard and she recovered and she came back.

The girls start to do their makeup and Miz Cracker is going for this sad clown thing with her eyebrows.

Aquaria turns around and… she’s doing the same thing.

Aquaria is clearly bothered. She thinks Cracker has been copying her for a while, and is still doing it right now. This could get ugly.

Let’s get to everyone’s favorite part: the main stage!

Here we go! Drag on a dime realness.

I can’t decide if I like Aquaria’s look or if I hate it. The bare chest with the pasties is super super jarring, and I’m not a fan of the hair and makeup either. But the poofy skirt and the hat are nice. So I like it and I hate it.

Asia O’Hara gets my respect for having managed to glue all that to her head and get it to stay, but her look is way too busy for me. Standing ovation for the makeup, though.

Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams has done a dollar bill dress. That was pretty risky, seeing how it’s been done on the show plenty of times before and this one is not too special. Still, she’s selling it.

Get it? Selling? Okay sorry.

If you look at the details, Blair St. Clair’s design isn’t that incredible. But something about it—the hair, the shoes, or the gloves, or all of the above—really pulls it all together.

Dusty Ray Bottoms has gone all crazy witchy tin man, and her signature dots are in full force tonight. It’s a lot to deal with. I don’t hate it! But it’s a lot.

Kameron Michaels says she likes to counter the fact that she’s super masculine-looking by wearing very feminine lewks. I kind of wish she wouldn’t? The girly thing feels a tiny bit forced. Still, cute-ish.

I’ve been loving Monét X Change so far, but this sponge look is a boot for me. It’s really unflattering, the hair looks a bit awkward, the story she’s trying to tell with the details is not very easy to understand… At least her makeup is fierce.

The Vixen’s noodle thing is uh… interesting. She’s very lucky her hair, makeup, and just general genes are killer, because the rest is a bit peculiar.

After a series of so-so looks, this outfit by Mayhem Miller is a toot. It’s dark, it’s gorgeous, it’s provocative, it’s a teensy bit creepy, and her makeup—and contacts—are superb.

Eureka’s built her look around a personality, and it’s helping the overall thing. It’s cute. I always fall for poofy skirts.

911? I’d like to report a murder, because Monique Heart is killing this challenge. The construction on that skirt made of cards is pretty damn incredible, and so is that plastic hair. She made this look, you guys.

Vanessa Vanjie Mateo is gorgeous, but her pile of Barbie dolls and flowers swallows her up a little bit. I love the flowy fabric behind her, though.

Yuhua Hamasaki made herself that dress out of caution tape, and it’s flowy and gorgeous. She’s just super beautiful. Look at those damn teeth. Perfect.

Miz Cracker has taken the sad clown makeup and infused some A-class acting into it to really sell this tragic figure look. It’s also really fashionable. Love it, head to toe.

That’s everyone! The verdict is in. Kameron Michaels, Aquaria, Asia O’Hara, Eureka, Monét X Change, Monique Heart, and The Vixen are safe. Monique Heart? Safe?!

And now, a new twist. RuPaul wants to introduce a new queen to the race. Someone they all know: Farrah Moan.

It’s Christina Aguilera!

Christina Aguilera actually dressed up as Farrah Moan for her guest judge stint. Pretty sure Farrah is now dead watching this.

Now for the actual judges’ critiques. Kalorie and Vanessa get poor feedback. Blair and Yuhua did well. Dusty Ray Bottoms is asked about her dots by Michelle Visage, who really doesn’t like them. She tells Dusty she’s looking forward to not seeing them anymore.

Mayhem Miller breaks down from the positive critiques. She’s auditioned for this show for years and has waited for this moment forever. This, right here, is her dreams coming true.

Miz Cracker gets her turn with the judges, who call her outfit a masterpiece. She’s super quick-witted, and answers everything the judges say with a joke. Best one: “There are no accidents in fisting.”

Meanwhile, backstage, the safe girls kiki about surviving the first elimination. Monique Heart is rightfully annoyed that she wasn’t in the top. Monét X Change is miffed too, but she quickly learns most of the other girls don’t think her sponge look is cute.

The girls ask Aquaria about the Miz Cracker thing and their weird situation. Aquaria talks about how Cracker always seems to turn up with similar lewks to hers and it’s getting on her nerves. The Vixen, who has straight-up said she wants to either start drama or watch it this season, throws a fuckton of fuel on those flames and accuses Miz Cracker of “faking it all the way to RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

Monét X Change, who’s good friends with Cracker, quickly comes to her defense. She says it’s not very fair of Vixen to jump to that conclusion.

It’s worth noting that since The Vixen escalated this drama, Aquaria has taken a backseat and is suddenly very quiet.

After the critiques, the tops and bottoms join the safe girls backstage. The ones with the harshest critiques are feeling pretty terrible. Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams, though, uses that frustration to put aside her cutesy nice girl act for a minute and start some shit. She says she feels some of the safe girls didn’t look that great. And she POINTS.

Kalorie thinks Monét X Change’s sponge look is stupid (which, to be fair to Kalorie, several other girls said the same thing earlier). Monét isn’t happy about that, obviously, and shoots back that Kalorie kinda looks like shit too. Kalorie ain’t satisfied though, so she throws Blair St. Clair and Aquaria under the bus too, saying Blair told her earlier in confidence that she thought Aquaria’s lewk sucked.

Moving on—Christina Aguilera comes backstage to say hey! The girls scream for a minute, then gather round and chat it up with her.

Once Christina leaves, the girls get back to their kiki. Vanessa Vanjie Mateo quietly reaches out to Eureka because she’s feeling emotional and needs to let it out.

After a pep talk by Eureka, the girls head back to the main stage for the final verdict. Mayhem Miller is the winner of the first challenge!

Dusty Ray Bottoms narrowly avoids the… well, bottom. That placement belongs to Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams and Vanessa Vanjie Mateo. Time for the first lip-sync of the season, to Xtina’s “Ain’t No Other Man.”

Given how the judges felt about Vanessa, this lip-sync is really hers to lose. But right away, Kalorie is showing a lot more energy and fire. Vanessa looks seriously rattled and isn’t doing so well.

Vanessa does, however, get points for this shoe projectile/death drop move:

At the end of the day, though, it’s clear Vanessa got her padding handed to her. Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams survives to slay another day.

Miss Vanjie is heartbroken. She’s in tears through her entire exit, and it hurts. She made a monumental first impression on the judges and the audience, though, and I think—maybe even know—that this is Drag Race’s new Shangela. We haven’t seen the last of her. Mark my words.

Let’s do that rundown!

Aquaria – I’m not entirely sure how I feel about Aquaria yet. She’s giving me occasional Laganja Estranja flashbacks with her attitude. I just hope she remembers the Alyssa / Coco drama from season 5 and doesn’t let her rivalry with Miz Cracker get in the way of her performance.

Asia O’Hara – One thing is certain, this queen can paint. Her makeup is flawless. I’m not entirely sure how well she’ll do on the season yet at this point. She hasn’t stood out too much thus far.

Kalorie Karbdashian-Williams – Kalorie was clearly pegged as the first out by the producers, and she didn’t let that happen to her. Kudos to Kalorie for taking a lip-sync that was likely setting her up to fail and showing everyone she was worth it.

Blair St. Clair – Blair’s been pretty meek so far, keeping to the background and doing her thing. She did well this week, but I don’t know how well she’s going to take to all the drama in Untucked.

Dusty Ray Bottoms – I really hope Michelle Visage allows Dusty to do her thing once in a while. It’s not fair that her signature look is being shot down on day one. I’m interested in seeing what she does next.

Kameron Michaels – Kameron seems sweet, but so far, I’m not that impressed. Her looks this episode have been a little on the basic side. Hopefully, she steps her tatted pussy up soon.

Monét X Change – Her runway look was a bit peculiar, but this queen made a strong first impression for the premiere. She’s definitely striking me as a frontrunner, no doubt about it.

The Vixen – The Vixen is gorgeous. The fact that she was able to somehow make that pool noodle thing work for her says a lot. She really lives for drama, too, so she should make for some good TV in the coming weeks.

Mayhem Miller – Mayhem’s clearly very polished and talented. But hopefully, she’s going to force herself to be a little less emotional throughout the competition. She’s already cried three or four times in a single episode. That’s a lot of tears, mawma.

Eureka – Eureka is starting right where she left off, with a lot of sass and presence. As opposed to last’s season returning queen, I know this one can do a lot and I’m looking forward to her second chance.

Monique Heart – It’s a real shame Monique was safe this week because that look was incredible—and totally fitting for her, too! Plus, her personality is really fun. Her reactions to everything are so over-the-top, it’s hilarious.

Yuhua Hamasaki – Yuhua is confident, really funny, and knows exactly who she is. Something about her is really refreshing. She’s got star power for days.

Miz Cracker – I can’t say enough about how much I enjoyed Cracker for her first episode. She’s super fun, clearly very talented, and really smart too. Plus, she hasn’t let the Aquaria drama get in her way AT ALL. Showing these other bitches how it’s done.

That’s it for this week, ladies! Hope you enjoyed this premiere as much as I did. With that, I shall leave you with this amazing video of Farrah Moan (the real one) getting to meet Xtina on the set of Drag Race! Bye!

BRING BACK VANESSA VANJIE!