

Top NCdot skirmish FC and campaign planner Fufa or Foofa or something like that demonstrates his radical new strategy for taking Fountain at the bazillionth attempt.

It’s Deja Vu All Over Again

Welcome back to Fountain. For what is almost certainly less than the eleventh time, we find ourselves scratching our heads in bemusement while watching a bunch of NCdot members strapping ostentatiously spiky helmets to their heads and waddling at what passes for top speed towards our walls, apparently in the wild hope that they can head-butt our sovereignty indexes to zero.

I’m not going to lie to you: this invasion is so bafflingly obviously doomed that I find myself making excuses for the enemy. I presume that they have some vast ally we didn’t think of waiting in the wings, or that they have a spy in one of our Fountain allies with roles to disband or the like. Because at the moment theirs is so nonsensical a plan that if I scratch my head much more I’ll end up trepanning myself and letting the bad voices out.

This is almost certainly going to be the last great war under dominion sovereignty, and may well be the last war for a long time in which those of you with supercaps and titans – apparently most of you judging by the move ops – will get the chance to flaunt them with any real effect. So for goodness sake get them to Fountain. In a convoy. Not solo. What, are you ex-Razor or something?

Seriously, I don’t know why you would go through all the pain of getting those supercaps, of endlessly replacing all those ratting ishtars you lost to Moa – usually because you were watching hentai porn on the other monitor and it was just getting to the good bit with the tentacles – if you are going to pass up the chance of a BR- rerun but on home soil and with even greater subcap dominance. Don’t make poor Gevlon have shelled out all those hundreds of billions for nothing yet again. Because believe me, the third-tier scrubs who organised this invasion ache to be able to have a comeback to that humiliation and there is a very real chance we’ll get to show their supercap fleet what the inside of four hundred kilometres of bubblefuckery looks like one more time.

Here, by the way, is a gif of one of the five move fleets yesterday. Don’t miss this. Check the forums for further massively bloated move ops that act as unfun gateway drugs to the euphorics our enemies are selflessly offering us on the Delve border.

The Mystic Stylings of the Prophet Endie

Most of you know the way that these wars play out, especially in Fountain. Fuelled by the blindly optimistic view that “this time will be different, no really, I have a good feeling about this guys, just trust me,” the hostiles will get excellent turnout for a few fights and structure shoots against only the locals. They’ll take the odd system and circle-jerk threads about it on reddit into the stratosphere, because everyone knows that he who controls the karma, controls the universe. After all, when we were driven from the reddit battlefield during the previous Fountain invasion after Phoebe, in short order we lost the entire region, going on to be driven back to Venal in a series of unmitigated disasters only made bearable by the fact that it was entirely imaginary.

That’s usually the point at which we sacrifice a titan to the fickle gods of Eve war, but apparently we some deep-cover sleeper corp in the alliance called Repertoire or Reparations or something who have carefully laid low by never coming on any fleets and only ever posting while disguised as the bastard offspring of Fcon and Widot. Now, as we begin a war, they have pounced, viciously jumping their titan into a Snuff trap and cackling as they assure our doom by dying like a Liberian mortician with a fetish for blood play.

As an aside, and as a member of Bat Country I should like to point out that losing a titan to Snuff Box is, in fact, a clear signal that you have really made it as a corporation in Eve and that you are dining at the top table of Eve’s elitest p33v33p33.

Brave Newbies: The Implodening

Napoleon “Sun Tzu” Bonaparte once said that if you place a lion in charge of 100 dogs, the dogs will fight like lions, but if you place a dog in charge of 100 lions, the lions will die like Korean entrees. Actually I don’t know: maybe Dokdo can clear this up for me but I imagine they probably eat lions too, given half a chance. That’s beside the point. The issue here is that Napoleon never considered what would happen if you put a panel of a herd of sheep, three parakeets and a drunk jellyfish in charge of a giant sack containing several thousand chubby cats. That is pretty much BNI at the moment.

After a hilarious (if you are not stuck in a station depending on these guys to save your stuff) soundcloud was leaked containing an impressively drunk leader whose grasp on space politics was not improved by the apparent consumption of a quart of absinthe arguing with less than eighty or ninety of the elite inner circle who run Brave Newbies, drama has spiralled excitingly with PL’s decision to push Brave’s staging system into final reinforced. I certainly recommend you listen to the soundcloud in question: if you can do it without grinding three millimetres of your molars into dust at the bit where some antipodean says “can I just have a newbro moment here?” you are a calmer, more forgiving person than me.

Goodness knows how this will play out. Since several huge, sprawling factions of scores of people all think that they really run BNI. One of the Brave Newbies governments worship the N3 bloc that farms them merrily for kills, and if they succeed in having their way we could yet see BNI bringing vast fleets of ewar ships to fight us, but that is just one of a huge range of kkkomedy options that lie before us: maybe they really will move to geminate. Maybe they’ll melt down so fast they burn right through the earth’s core and end up singing that annoying woman from the soundcloud. Someone should run a sweepstake.

Loldozer

Let’s pour some cocaine on the kerb for a gangbanging thug who never saw it coming: Fwiff0/Mandozer. Apparently Aryndel saw that he’d left on good terms last time and thought that this Fabulous Freewheelin’ Franklin of the spaceways was now a reformed character and let him in unvouched (and this with people like me saying “not on my dime this time”). Even more bafflingly, someone thought that loaning him a bazillion ISK was wise: frankly I’d rather lend my house to the Greek government for the purposes of moving it to a warzone and putting up a big sign saying “fuck all Putins and ISIS: bomb this house if you’re not down” but I guess that’s why I’m stuck with all this stupid ISK unlike the cunning eve capitalist in question.

Fwiff0’s plan had been to go out aw0xing that guy from that Repertory corp who spends his days making Widot look like Epsilon-tier posters but, Dozer being Dozer, he literally slept through his own aw0xing spree and the hit squad he had infiltrated into his alt corp killed Warr Akini, ironically someone he got on with ok, instead.

TL;DR

Get to Fountain. Or if you are in EG, Reavers or Blackops get your shit deployed to where you will be infilcting your own particular brands of hilarious griefing on our hapless foes. Don’t move supers solo. Don’t use a council to run your alliance and never lend money to someone who only joined the alliance to win a bet.

And hurry on the deployment, because sooner or later Vince Draken is going to log in and notice what these bunglefucks he left in charge are up to and once he stops laughing he’s going to cut our fun shorter than a reality show star’s career.

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