As a new father, I’m learning more about my role every day. I have become great at the mechanics of being a stay at home dad. With an established routine and an organized schedule I know what to expect on a day-to-day basis – on the surface. However, between the seams of our carefully stitched together days are the really challenging and dynamic aspects of being a parent. It is the unexpected twisting, turning thread that connects the mundane: the unanticipated facets of parenting and the most essential level of raising children.

One of the unforeseen challenges that I have faced as a father is finding balance between being my son’s playmate and his parent. I know how to be both. I am the parent at the skateboard park meandering between kids with my son on our skateboards; I am the default “monster” at the playground chasing my child up and down the equipment; and, if one was to look into our home at night, I am the second flashlight running around playing hide-and-go-seek. My son has transformed me into a big kid and this is something I looked forward to when I knew I was going to be a dad.

But lately I have been unable to balance the scale. On the more serious, brass tacks end of the parenting spectrum I feel that I am walking a tight line between being overly demanding to my son and being the authoritative but fun guide I want to be. Some days I feel that I have fallen so far from being permissive that I am failing my son and ruining his expectation of enjoying spending time with me. Other days my easygoing, laissez-faire approach allows us to seize every moment to enjoy as ours.

I get it. My days will be inconsistent and filled with unknowns but I don’t want these unforeseen variables to dictate how I parent. I want to find balance and consistency in my role as a dad.

I don’t want my son to view me as a Jekyll and Hyde character. But I want to raise him to be a self-sufficient, thoughtful, intelligent and compassionate individual with a sense of the world he lives in. I also want to raise him to laugh, be curious, spontaneous, and creative.

I want him to be optimistic and enjoy life.

There is an internal struggle within me to both offer him insurmountable amounts of joy and to instil in him the same values I had growing up. And I hold a looming fear deep inside of me that he could one day resent me for taking a strict approach in raising him.

I want to learn to be softer. I yearn to be the firm, true headwind guiding his ship rather than a series calm seas and turbulent storms – they both will see him to his destination but being the consistent source of influence, learning and love will give him the journey of childhood he deserves.

How will I accomplish this? I don’t have a straightforward answer. It’s a new year and every day of every month I will do my best to be better for my family. And through this, I am confident I will achieve my goal. Call it a resolution, an oath, a promise; call it whatever you want. Semantics are irrelevant.

My actions are all that matter.