The Jackass Story

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to

take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take

it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I

found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin

Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone

could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.

She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with

Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to

call it again.

When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and

hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in

my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a

really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.

Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real

disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice say,

"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone

Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID

program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's

ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial

823-4863.

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space.

I didn't think she was ever going to leave.

Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the

slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. "Great,"

I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying

up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was

here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He

walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, "This

guy's a jackass. There sure a lot of jackasses in this world."

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down

the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off

the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really

easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the

phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought

I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's

parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while

things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two

jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and

hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the

problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's you name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked

out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802

West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got

home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th

Street. After that, I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to

watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out

of each other in front of six squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the

greatest experiences of my life!

The moral? Be nice to people on the phone and wait your turn!

