“First thing this morning I went to Brussels. Now I’m back again. Everybody is really pleased with me”

Monday

I’ve just flown back from a disastrous meeting in Brussels into another one in Downing Street. Everybody is shouting at each other.

“Nothing has changed,” I say. “Nothing has changed.”

“It’s bad,” says Gavin Barwell. “The DUP are our most important allies.”

“Except for the animals,” says Michael Gove, piously.

“Ukip?” says Barwell, bewildered.

“No,” says Gove. “Literally the animals. Who we love. Because we are Conservatives.”

This keeps happening with Michael. Ever since I made him environment secretary all he wants to talk about is animals. It’s getting really annoying.

“Shut up about the animals,” says Amber Rudd. “Listen. Did nobody actually check with Arlene Foster?”

“I did!” says David Davis.

“What did she say?” asks Rudd.

“Oh OK,” says Davis. “No I