They say parenthood makes you do crazy things, and three months in, I'm finding that "they" are right. I'd murder for my daughter, take a bullet for her, make the same silly face and voice over and over and over and over again if it's making her smile. I would also army crawl past her crib if it was the only means of not waking her. And I have.

Living in a one-bedroom with a baby isn't for the faint of heart. Especially when that baby is a light sleeper. I love my daughter more than anything in this universe, but I do not want to wake her up. Here are 10 embarrassing, insane things I've done to keep her sleeping.

1. My husband and I went through a period when we stopped flushing the toilet at night after she went to bed. Were Cookie magazine still around, I don't suspect they'd do a feature on us.

2. We developed a system of "tight-rope walking" past her crib on the one wooden panel in our floor that doesn't creek. We've also slithered.

3. I've borderline passed out from stifling a coughing fit while rubbing my sleeping baby's back after a bottle.

4. I've hid in my bathroom with my dog when my neighbors are walking past my door, as neighbors walking past my door make him bark. (Also, low point in my life: I actually said "fuck you" to him once after he woke her.)

5. I've watched TV with the closed captioning on.

6. I've talked on the phone on my fire escape. (You should see what getting out onto my fire escape entails.)

7. I've avoided drying my hair. May not seem like a big deal to you, but I have bangs.

8. I've threatened to emancipate myself from my father if he went in to her "room" to look at her. (He didn't know the floorboard system.)

9. We've called restaurants we've ordered take out from -- numerous times -- to ensure that the delivery guy not ring the buzzer ... to which they've said, "Yes, no problem" ... and to which our buzzer was rung.

10. We moved. Okay, this wasn't solely to avoid waking our baby, but life sure is nice with a bedroom door and a video monitor.