Buffy's Diary 2001-2002

Entry One

Dear Diary

I haven't written in here for a while what with being dead and all. Things are getting a little better I guess. Why did I tell Spike that I was in Heaven? A moment of not thinking and it just slipped out of my mouth. I can't tell the others since they thought I was in Hell. This is Hell but I'm back and life goes on again.

So much for getting a loan. I can't even escape demons at the bank. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I'll figure that out after I go see Angel. I was dead for three months so I can't expect things to just fall into place right away since it's bound to take time.

Entry Two

Dear Diary

I decided to try the whole school thing but it went very bad. I felt really stupid and as a bonus time went all wonky. Then there was exploding lint and time went back to normal. Next I tried construction but demons came and melted when I killed them. Now that is handy with the clean up but not so much when there isn't any proof they were there in the first place. So I got fired.

Those idiots wouldn't even admit that I saved them. They sucked. Next I went to the Magic Box for a hellish time. Everything kept repeating over and over. The gang is trying to figure out what's going on. Like I need someone messing with my life when it's already messed up. I think I'll go see Spike. I don't know why maybe it's the dead thing in common or that he pops up when I am utterly miserable.

Entry Three

Dear Diary

It turns out that Xander summoned that demon. At least the Halloween sale at the magic shop didn't go all repeato on me. The stupid vamps were all out and that was supposed to be the night they stay in. Well my secret just popped out so now everyone knows. Stupid singing that makes you blurt things out.

At least the singing is over but not before me and Spike kissed. That had to be the stupid spell. I am happy for Xander and Anya. At least they'll be happily married soon so maybe that's a sign of hope for me to one day have that too.

Entry Four

Dear Diary

I can't believe that Giles left. I need him more than I ever have and he bails. I went to the Bronze and found a depressing song playing that fit my mood perfectly. Once again Spike showed up and I ended up kissing him again. Why do I keep doing that? I just need to avoid him so that doesn't happen again.

Death must have made my brain go all wonky. I was upset about Giles leaving and wasn't thinking. My brain obviously shut off. Tara and Will broke up so now there's only one happy couple. So the house isn't full of that happy thing. I'm not sure how I feel about the truth popping out. I guess in a way I'm relieved but Will must feel horribly guilty even though she had no way of knowing.

She thought I was suffering so she did it out of love. So I can't really blame her for that. It's really hard to get back into the swing of things. I guess I'll have to bepatient until that day when I really feel like I'm living instead of just going through the motions.

Entry Five

Dear Diary

I must be out of my mind. I slept with Spike and oh God I enjoyed it. I was out all night and we brought the building down literally. I have to stay away from him. It turns out that I wasn't the only one that pulled an all nighter. Willow was out with Amy.

Well Tara was there with Dawn so all is well I suppose. Will was finally able to switch Amy back so she's a girl again and I'm glad that Will has someone to hang with since she's all depressed over the whole Tara thing.

I'll just stick to my guns and avoid Spike since he's bad for me. Maybe I did come back wrong in my brain anyway since Spike can hurt me. It's not like I can talk to anyone about this since it's too disturbing for words. I can just picture the looks on their faces if I was to reveal my dirty little secret. It just happened and it won't happen again. It was a fluke when I temporarily lost my mind.

Entry Six

Dear Diary

Everything went kablooey big time. How stupid of me not to notice that Will was drowning. I was too involved with myself to notice my best friend was suffering. She has a serious problem. I'm just glad that Dawn wasn't killed. This is going to be such a long night.

I had to go to Spike to help find Dawn but nothing happened between us which is a good. It was a emergency and I had no other choice. Dawn is sleeping and Will is trying to sleep. It's going to be hard but she admitted that she needed help which is a good sign. Too bad there isn't rehab for magick users. I decided to give my room a new look with a bunch of garlic to keep the unwanted creatures out.

Entry Seven

Dear Diary

It was kinda fun being invisible. I needed a change so I got my hair cut. Why did I go to him again and do what we did? I must be crazy or something. Being invisible helped with driving Doris nuts. I don't think she'll be bugging me anytime soon. So I'll be ready the next time a social worker pays a visit. It's not like I could say that I'm recently back from the dead and haven't quite got back into the swing of things.

So the dorks made a gun that turns people invisible. These are the morons that have been messing with me. When I heard that I was going to turn to mush if that gun wasn't used on me to make me visible again I actually got scared. I made it through another day and Will did too magick free. I guess things are getting a little better since I don't want to die. Ooh scary I have three dorks that are a pain in my ass lurking around.

Entry Eight

Dear Diary

I got a job at the Doublemeat Palace. Not the greatest place but I need the cash and this was the best I could do. The place is creepy and the people are all spacey. I think something's going on since people keep disappearing. I made it through my first day but Spike had to show up. He's dead so why show up at a place that serves food? How did he know where to find me anyway?

That video was a bit too much and oh joy I had to eat one of those Medley Burgers. No one will tell me what the secret ingredient is. I should know what it is since I work here and will be eating them every day for lunch. Actually the burger wasn't too bad so I guess it won't be so bad but I don't like smelling like this when I'm patrolling.

Entry Nine

Dear Diary

The fun continued and I got stuck pulling a double shift and as an added bonus I got fired. I found a finger in the meat grinder. It may be Gary's. Oh great now I have a funky smell from working at the place. I'm glad that my theory about burgers of people was off since Xander scarfed it down in seconds.

It turns out that Wig Lady was having some people to go with her pie and coffee. No wonder she wore a wig with that snakey thing coming out of the top of her head. Thanks to Will I now know what the secret ingredient is. I could use that as leverage to get my job back. It's worth a try. Aahh again with Spike and the thing.

Entry Ten

Dear Diary

Yaye I got my crappy job back. I still haven't got Spike out of my system. I wonder if there's a patch for this. I actually had a conversation with him which was so strange. He called me an animal which I'm not.

I'm going to call Tara and have her check into the spell since I need to find out what's wrong with me. There has to be some explanation for what I'm doing. It's like I can't help myself and part of me likes it and the other feels dirty. There has to be something wrong since this makes no sense at all. Maybe I should just stake him and be done with it.

Entry Eleven

Dear Diary

Well I kept up my tradition when it comes to my birthday. We all became stuck in the house because of a vengeance demon and Dawn making a wish. So to make things even worse there was a demon trapped in the house and that poor guy that Xander and Anya brought over got the pointy end of the sword. I also got the great news that my little sis is a klepto.

I am proud of Will for not caving into temptation. I need to spend more time with Dawn. All these things happening around me and I'm like the clueless wonder. I just need to try harder but they are really working me at the Doublemeat and since I need the cash I continue to wear a cow hat.

Entry Twelve

Dear Diary

Oh great now I'm even a turn off to vamps that usually want to kil me. Also it's not good to have that jingle in my head. Maybe wearing ear plugs would help. Everyone at that place wants to turn me into a lifer. Well I'm stuck there and school is out since I was rejected so the fun just keeps coming.

Riley swoops in and he saw me in my dorky uniform with my cow hat. He's married which threw me. I didnt' tell him that I just didn't let him leave. For him anyway it turned out to be for the best. I'm glad he's happy and Sam's a great girl.

In a way it was a wake up call when Riley came across me with Spike. Now that was a hideous moment. I'm determined to end things since it's killing me. Besides it's not fair to him since I don't even like him and I'm just using him.

Entry Thirteen

Dear Diary

Well the light at the end of the tunnel just had a major blackout. What was supposed to be a happy day turned into a nightmare. No wedding and everyone all miserable. They were my hope and now it's all blown to Hell. I hurt for the both of them. I hope Xander's ok.

If they couldn't make it the what hope is there for me? I haven't exactly had the best of luck in the guy department. I've been screwing a vampire but no more. I have to pull myself together and focus on Dawn. She returned the stuff she stole and we'll pay for the rest. I need to do better since I'm like the parent now but I'm not doing that great of a job.

Entry Fourteen

Dear Diary

I hope to never see one of those waxy demons again. I almost killed all of the poeple I love. Those kinds of demons really should have a warning label about being poked. Thank God no major damage was done. It was just so strange since the longer I was under the influence of that poison. Everything that wasn't real in a strange way seemed to feel more real.

I started to think that I'd never left that clinic. I mean most people would think I was totally insane if they heard about the things that have happened in good old Sunnydale. It was nice to see mom since I really miss her. Well all is back to normal well what passes for normal here.

Entry Fifteen

Dear Diary

Great I'm being spied on by the Nerds. Seeing Spike and Anya hurt. I'm not sure why since I don't even love him or even really like him for that matter. I got in some sis time. I think I went overboard with the whole breakfast thing. We can only go into the pet store since pretty much all of the stores are off limits for now. Like everything it'll just take time.

At least I haven't had to work double shifts lately. That look on Xander's face was why I didn't tell anyone but now my secret's out. When will things get good? It would be nice to be happy for a change along with those that I care about.

Entry Sixteen

Dear Diary

Well I went to see Xander and it didn't go too well. It'll be good to go out on patrol and do some slaying. It'll help some. At least Will and Tara are back together which is great. At least there's one couple that's happy.

Damn it my jacket was ruined by the lovely present they left me. I ruin more clothes in the line of duty. The Council should give me some compensation for everything I do. Is that really too much to ask? So I get to smell funny and do the slaying at night.

Entry Seventeen

Dear Diary

Everything is really bad around here. Will totally lost it when Tara was killed. That was brutal since they had just gotten back together but the happiness didn't last long. Will went seriously scary and all veiny. She was running on pure fury and came pretty damn close to ending the world.

I just couldn't believe that the evil I was fighting this time was one of my best friends. It was so great to see GIles. I really should have called him but Will was doing really good. At least I didn't have a long hospital stay. Giles is taking Willow to England to see if he can help her. I hope he can since I want my friend back. I am no officially up with the living thing instead of just enduring it.

I guess being near death can help put things into perspective. I am going to work on my relationship with Dawn. No more unobservey me. I want to live my life and watch my little sis grow up. I can teach her so much. I'm even thinking about taking her out one night to patrol. She may as well know what to do since I can't always be there to protect her.