29 August 2009

SINGER Amy Winehouse is launching an attempt on the world drug-bender record to raise money for a Ugandan primary school.

The children begin each day with a hearty rendition of 'Rehab'

During the mammoth session the 'Back to Black' star will be consuming crack, heroin, cheap speedy pills and a two gallon jug of paint stripper.

A spokesman said: "She's been in training with some of the country's top junkies, including the legendary 'Norwegian Dale'.

"The plan is that when she starts to glaze over from the brown, the Es and crack will perk her up again and give her the energy to stay on it. She really is an inspiration to everyone who wants to take drugs for charity."

Winehouse's record attempt will raise money for a school in the Ugandan village of Katosi, which desperately needs a new roof.

Head teacher Akiki Balunda said: "We are very grateful to Amy for this and have faith in her bison-like constitution.

"We wanted to help her out by sending some drugs, but all we could find was a few out-of-date malaria tablets."

The existing world drug-bender record is held by a 44-year-old from Manchester known simply as 'Cheb', who consumed nine times his own body weight in poor quality street opiates during a two month ming-up which ended when he jumped naked into a local zoo's Komodo dragon enclosure.

He wished Winehouse well in her record attempt, adding: "Mint. Bangin'. Mint. Mint. Totally fuckin' mint"

Cheb said he given up endurance drug taking so that he can focus on trying to kill an owl with a crossbow in the belief that if he eats it he will become Dolph Lundgren.

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"Because the consequences for human welfare involved in questions like these are simply staggering: Once one starts to think about them, it is hard to think about anything else." (Lucas 1988, On the Mechanics of Economic Development)

"The philosophers have hitherto only interpreted the world in various ways; the point however is to change it" (Marx 1888)

I'm Head of Research at Ark Education Partnerships Group, a charity working with governments and non-state actors in developing countries to give every child an excellent education. Roving Bandit is a reference to Mancur Olson, not because I think I'm some kind of badass.