January may be taking its time to get going on the gaming front, but make yourself feel a little better knowing that at least these monstrosities have already done the rounds.

Chemical Spillage Simulator

The simulator run of games, somehow, have actually started to build up a following over the last few years, we presume by people who have dreams not quite in sync with our own. 'What do you want to be when you grow up, Barry?' 'I want to be a novice member of the Special Chemical Disaster Prevention unit.' Of course you, do…

Asked to transport and analyse some of the most dangerous chemicals on planet Earth, we have absolutely no idea where the appeal for something like this lies. We'd genuinely rather play Twister. With Bratt.

Ellen Whitaker's Horse Life

When we originally stumbled across this, the first thought that popped into our head was: 'Ha. That sounds a bit like Blur's Park Life.'

Then we read the description for the game on a certain retailer's website:

"Alllll the jockeys.
So many jockeys.
And they all go hoof-in-hoof, hoof-in-hoof through their horse life!

Someone isn't taking Ellen Whitaker's Horse Life seriously at all…

Private Dancer

With all the hooping and a hollering about video games in the 21st century, how the hell is this box image deemed acceptable? It is literally the mini-game from Grand Theft Auto 5's stripclub but drawn out to insane levels.

It also tries to pretend that its main focus is on casino-type games such as blackjack and roulette. Bo**ocks. When your tagline is: 'The more you win, the less they wear, until they're your very own Private Dancer!' the only person you're fooling is yourself.

Remember when Professor Kawashima's Brain Training came out for Nintendo DS and stole everyone's cash? We should all be really pissed off that became a trend, because off the back of it came the likes of Face Training.

With the old professor there was an obvious gimmick as you were, as the name suggested, training your brain. Plus the mini-games were oddly addictive, and Kawashima - despite existing as nothing more than a giant head - had a certain charm to him. Mostly because he belittled you to extreme lengths when you failed.

Here, though, you're just pulling your face into odd positions while staring at a DS. How is that a good thing? Or deserving of money that you've slaved away to earn?

Russell Grant's Astrology

This game can be bought in some places for 90 pence and has Russell Grant's face taking up 80% of the entire box art.

That's all you need to know.

And that if you buy this it will make your life worse. Now there's a horoscope for you...

Little Britain: The Computer Game

Hopefully in the dictionary next to the term 'selling out', arguably the worst thing about Little Britain: The Computer Game is the name itself. We assumed it was all agreed that anyone who deems it necessary to attach such a subtitle to their product opted for 'Video Game'. Unless you're a grandmother, it's just not acceptable.

That's the case with this entire monstrosity, mind. Utterly useless on every level, it can still be bought even though the TV show is barely a memory for most of us.

Wu-Tang: Taste The Pain

We don't like taking pot shot at games featuring rappers, as that would mean insulting 50 Cent: Blood On The Sand. While some aren't aware of it, it's one of the most underrated titles ever made.

The same is kind of the same here: despite its ridiculous name, Taste The Pain wasn't atrocious. No one would ever say it was a masterpiece, either, but 3D fighting with members of the Wu-Tang Clan was average. The FMV cutscenes, on the other hand, were not spared the same fate. They remain a joke.

Onechanbara - Bikini Samurai Squad

Hands up who knows why this game was made. If you think it has anything to do with the artistic direction of design, you're well off. Even the official description is obsessed with mentioning how many 'skimpy' outfits feature, just in case you were confused as to what the point of all this was.

Some people wonder why video games are often thought of in a negative fashion, and it's mostly because every now and then we're subjected to these type of trinkets. Unless of course the Bikini Samurai Squad actually exists. Then we apologise without question.

Imagine Journalist

Given what we all do here at VideoGamer.com, we're confident we have this journalism thing down. Unfortunately, it seems we're well off the mark.

If we are to believe Imagine Journalist, firstly we need more Pukka pads and 'dead behind the eye' smiles. It's also essential to learn how to drive a scooter. We can't tell you why you need to do these things. Apparently that's just the way of it all.

Admittedly these games are usually aimed at children, but even then. We're leading them astray…

6 Comments

User Comments

I kind of want to play Chemical Spillage Simulator. I think it's relevant at this time.

Also Imagine: Journalist is something I would've probably picked up for the kid I used to take care of. I think most of the Imagine games are pretty terrible and enforce gender stereotypes, but this one looks okay (and kid was always making up newspapers and stuff anyway.)