Thursday, April 27, 2006

Exxon just posted an 8 BILLION dollar THREE-MONTH profit. Allow me to write out 8 BILLION as to show you the ridiculousness of the number...

Eight, Zero Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero, Zero Zero Zero.

I'm sure every paper in the country will write editorials about this story, but let me be the first to say it's time to revolt. I'm talking about a full-scale, burning shit in the street, pretending we were offended by a Mohammed cartoon, balls-out revolt. Oil execs, like that Jabba the Hutt-look-alike that I posted a pic of last week, are literally ruining this country and nobody is stopping them. Their constant greed and lack of any moral compass must be punished.

We need a hero...

By day, Dave was a mild-mannered comedian.By night, he was America's only Superhero devoted to eliminating evil oil-execs one at a time.He was known as Oilio.

Okay, I need a better name, but I'm seriously considering this. Sidekick applications now being accepted...

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I just got back from an audition for a desk-based internet news show. It went pretty well, although I�ve learned not to hold my breath or I�ll just end up with massive brain damage. Anyway, they brought us into a room ten at a time and then we read from some cue cards. After we finished they asked us if we read blogs. The guy sitting next to me turned to the girl on the other side of him and said, �What are blogs?� She paused for a second and said, �They�re like these internet things.�

I found it interesting, because first of all, does anyone in their 20�s not know what a blog is? I�m sure plenty of people don�t read them, but it seems like you should at least know of them. More interestingly though, was her response, because she clearly knew what blogs were and somehow was afraid to tell the guy because it might give him a leg up in the audition. Priceless stuff, truly.

To top it all off he was black and she was asain. Somehow I doubt it would�ve been the two of them slugging it out as the finalists.

That�s not to say a black guy or an asian girl couldn�t have been selected. I�m just saying I just doubt that these specific two would�ve been the finalists. They�re just too far apart on the diversity scale to be the final two people. Isn�t the exact opposite of a black guy an asian girl? I think I read that in Stuff Magazine. Or was it Newsweek? No, no, I think it was Black Tail Magazine.

Oh, who am I kidding? Neither one of them had a chance, anyway. Everyone knows that white people are by far the best cue card readers.

On the way to the audition I bumped into the only person on the planet Earth that I truly hate. I�ve got plenty of people I dislike, but I truly despise this vile piece of dung. For some reason though, I shook his hand when he put it out to shake mine. I should�ve left him just hanging there, but I didn�t, and now I feel gross from the whole interaction. Damn those four years I took at the Canterbury Manners Institute of Oxford.

Well, there�s always next time. You live and learn.

(FYI, the picture above is of the TORE desk at Ikea, which retails for $169.00. It�s not quite a news desk, but it�s a pretty good deal.)

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

I'll be damned, there is actually a thousand dollar bill. However, there is absolutely no truth to the Trillion dollar bill that Mr. Burns was supposed to deliver to the Europeans to aid in the reconstruction after WWII. It's still a great episode, just one with a factual error.

I mention the 1,000 dollar bill because The Daily Dave hit 1,000 unique visitors each and everyday last week. We've had the occasional 1,000 hit day here and there, but last week we hit it everyday, which seems like some kind of milestone in the world of blogging.

As I've mentioned before, checking the number of people who come here, and from where, is an important part of writing this. If I didn't know that people were reading I could just as easily keep this all in my notebook only to have it sold to pay off my debts after my untimely death 30 years from now.

(Unfortunately, I have a sneaking suspicion that I'll be murdered by poweful oil-industry executives sometimes in the 2030's.)

Anyways, good things are on the horizon, so stay tuned. Actually, sit right there. Or, you know what, don't move at all. Stay perfectly still. Just refresh the screen every few minutes in hopes that I've updated. That'll be the best way to stay abreast of everything.

I've had a couple people ask me about doing a guest column recently, one of them being the infamous Real Sherman. I'm considering it, but they always say that a comedian shouldn't ever hand the mic to someone in the crowd. I wonder what they say about doing it virtually. Thoughts?

Congrats to my college pal, Ed, who had a baby girl over the weekend. I'm pretty sure his wife had something to do with it too, so congrats to her as well.

Do I owe anyone else a congrats for something that they've accomplished lately? Don't be shy folks, you know you've done some good stuff recently, stand up and have yourself counted...

Monday, April 24, 2006

Another day, another bombing, this time in Egypt. This one was in the resort town of Dahab, which I actually visited about 8 years ago. The beach-side town is known for it's lax restrictions on drugs, marijuana specifically, and thus it brings in quite an eclectic mix of people. My few days there were spent sitting on the beach, eating lots of hummus and smoking the funny stuff. I mention this because if you ever need proof that marijuana should be legalized, Dahab would be the place to go. There are Arabs, Israelis, Americans and Europeans kicking back, all enjoying the weather, the water and the weed. It's a great example of co-existence, something we see so rarely these days.

Now some terrorists went and blew up the place. I'm really loosing my patience with the al-Queda motherfuckers.

As long as I'm on al-Queda, how about that new audio tape from Osama? Isn't it about time he started podcasting instead of dropping off shoddy audio tapes to al-Jazeera? I mean I'd love to add him to my RSS feed and then just download his stuff whenever I sync up my iPod. It'd be so much easier that way.

No, I don't have an iPod, I have a Dell mini-Jukebox, but it's just a lot cooler to say iPod.

The Nets lost the first game of the playoffs yesterday despite the fact that I've been raving about them for weeks. It's almost as if they don't even read this stuff. Unreal.

Anyone else with a Plasma TV concerned that you're gonna have irreversible burn-in on the screen from the scores of NBA playoff games? For those of you not into the NBA, feel free to replace the NBA with NHL, MLB, or whatever you're into, including porn. I'm pretty sure you can get tit-burn-in if you watch too much of that stuff.

Friday, April 21, 2006

I haven't posted a personal picture of myself on here in, well, ever. So, to prove I was in Jersey with the old-time buds, here is a pic. Yea, it doesn't quite prove that I was in Jersey, but why do I keep trying to prove that? I was there, we all just have to accept it.

Yes, that's me in the red shirt. And no, it's not pink, it's red. I wouldn't wear no pink shirt. If I have to say that again heads are gonna roll.

Maybe this will start a trend of personal pictures of me and my cohorts on The Daily Dave. Or maybe it'll start a trend of people wearing pink...uhh, I mean, red, yea red, shirts...

Thursday, April 20, 2006

In Jersey today with my two old-time elemetary school friends, Jon and Ari. The picture above pretty much resembles us, except that none of us has the unkempt hair that Larry does. You should've seen the fiasco that occured when we were trying to paint the basement a few minutes ago. I stepped in a bucket, Jon knocked over a ladder and Ari spontaneously combusted. It's amazing the hijinks that happen when old friends get together.

Anyway, I promised I'd come back, so here I am, but I gotta go because Jon is about to fire up the old 8-bit Nintendo and I should start stretching my fingers...

The lack of post yesterday was due to the weather which caused "a beautiful day in the neighborhood." I couldn't help but be romaning outside, people watching and enjoying the day.

While it's equally as nice out today, I promise to take my shoes off later and write a solid, humorful, well-thought-out post. In the meantime, check out yesterday's comments for a new Daily Dave theme song, as well as some thanks from the NYPD Commissioner.

Oh, and as long as I'm on a Mr. Roger kick, I'll tell you that I used to have nightmares about that woman who lived in the carousel. Anyone else freaked-out by her?

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Didn't post early today due to the fact that I wasn't really in the mood. Then, about five minutes ago, I got into the mood, only to turn on the TV to find out that there are fifty people trapped in the tram that goes from Manhattan to Roosevelt Island.

Now I have to go rescue them which really sucks because my Spiderman costume is at the dry-cleaners. That means I'll have no choice but to go in my Robin Underoo's, which are ironcially the very same underwear that I picked up at Filene's Basment yesterday.*

This is gonna be a majorly dorky rescue operation.

*Congrats to Real Sherman for almost guessing the underwear. Cinders, nice try, but I like superhero's, not animal paterns.**

**In reality, I got 3 pair of black CK boxerbriefs. They were all out of Underroo's.

Monday, April 17, 2006

This very confused looking man not only didn't do anything for 7 of the most important minutes of our nation's history, but he also is stealing music. In a recent interview, Mr. Bush said that he has The Beatles on his iPod. Thing is, you can't get any Beatles music off of a legal downloading site. And, according to some big record industry people, it's illegal to burn music even off of your own CD's.

The seven minutes were one thing, but this is just too much. It's time to impeach.

Obviously, Mr. Bush doesn't put the music on his own iPod, so I don't blame him personally. I mean the guy is the President, he's a busy man. You think a war can go this wrong all by itself?

In other high-powered people news, Martha Stewart has begun selling homes all designed to her liking. The first group of them will be in a "Martha" community in North Carolina. That's disturbing at soe many levels I don't even know where to begin. Let me be the first to say that something stinks in North Carolina, and it isn't the pig crap.

Did you know that there are more pigs than people in North Carolina? Clearly, Martha is trying to even the score.

I was just in Filene's Basment, for reasons that I'd rather not get into. That store is really something else. There are people of every age, ethnicity and economic status all trying to find a some kind of bargain to brag about. There's just something about a bargain that make people want to buy useless stuff. Anyway, I got some new underwear at a very reasonable price.

Well, now you know the reason I was there. Anyone wanna guess what kinda underwear I got?

Just saw a commercial for Actonel, which is a drug for women who want to prevent getting a back hump. The voice-over said, "Women should not use Actonel if they cannot sit or stand for 30 minutes." Umm, well, if they can't sit or stand, what can they do, hang from a tree?

Hanging from a tree, that sounds like fun. I wonder if I can find one...

Friday, April 14, 2006

Some of you may have noticed that Rubinville was temporarily down this morning, apparently due to some server problem. In my haste I quickly busted out the credit card and charged something to someone, only to find out that it was only a momentary problem. I don't even know what I charged exactly, but the important thing is that we're back in business, and I'm slightly more in debt.

As I'm sure you've figure out, the picture above is of the room full of dedicated servers that run Rubinville. It pretty much takes up my whole apartment, but I don't need heat in the winter, those things are hotttttttt.

I really was freaking out for a few minutes when the site was down. I truly missed you folks. And when I say folks I mean that in the same way that George Bush does when he refers to the terrorists as folks.

So the Seder's we're rockin' as always. Everyone was well-behaved as we retold the story of the Jews eascaping slavery in Egypt. I feel like nobody gives us the credit for building the Pyramids, but we did. That's why I have that gimpy leg, I got a cement block dropped on it while I was building Pyramid #4.

Speaking of cement, I shit a brick this morning. Matzah will do that to you. Hmm, I wonder if I can start building something with it.

You're right that was disgusting. Very, very disgusting. Maybe I'll check in later and clean up this mess...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Had a very busy day yesterday, hence no posting. I always feel like a divorced father that doesn't show up on his weekend to have the kids when I don't post, which really makes no sense since I post pretty much everyday. It's that kind of cataclysmic pressure I live under every single day.

I watched a bit of ABC's new "Ten Commandments" over the past two nights. No, don't worry, there weren't actually any new commandements, just a new cast and some really crappy special effects. The new Moses was okay, but he was no Charlton Heston. "Let my people go, you damned, dirty apes!!"

I'll be heading to family in Jersey today for Passover. If you don't know about Passover it's another holiday where the Jewish people celebrate not being completely annihilated. That's pretty much the main theme in all our holidays. It's enough to make you neurotic or something.

That being said, I'm gonna take tommorrow off from The Daily Dave. I'm pretty sure they don't have blogging techonology in Jersey yet.

Why did I just attack Jersey there after all the pro-Jersey talk I've had here lately? I really don't know why I did that.

Soemthing else I don't know is why I bought a pair of white Puma sneakers last week. I like Puma, but white just was not a good idea. Everytime I put them on I feel like I am going to play tennis or golf. I might have to switch back to my old black/grey Adidas'.

Okay, I'd write more but I have some matzah in the oven and I have to get it out before it levens...

Monday, April 10, 2006

Thousands of people are marching all over today to show support for the millions of immigrants who want to stay in America. Frankly, I have no problem with immigrants of any kind. If people want to come, let them come, and if they want to stay, let them stay. It's like I said during that Elian Gonzalez uproar a couple years ago, if a little mexican boy wants to go back to Puerto Rico, I say let him go.

(That joke was a main-staple of the act back in 1999. Eventually I had to get rid of it, along with all my Y2k jokes. Damn the passing of time. It's been screwing me for years.)

Had a nice day wandering downtown yesterday. It's amazing how people look so much more attractive when it's nice out. You haven't seen a higher concentration of ugly people than in NYC during the winter. It's a freakshow out there.

Went to a birthday party on Saturday night where there were a lot of people in the TV biz. During one particularly interesting conversation, someone who works for a major network told me that the VP of the network ordered a new show based on a pretty popular blog, obviously without having anything to do with the person who writes the blog. I'm tempted to e-mail the person, even though I don't know him/her. Should I just keep my nose out of it?

No, the person is not a transexual, but I wrote "him/her" to keep you guessing. Pretty clever, indeed.

Does anyone know how to e-mail a picture from a RAZR phone? I know how to send a picture in a text message, but not how to e-mail one. I've got some pictures that I'd like to post on here but I just can't figure it out. I should probably ask my grandkids. They're know-it-all's with today's fancy technology.

Speaking of grandkids, I spent Friday with my grandma in Jersey, which is why I didn't post anything that day. We went to Japanese for lunch, where grandma had sushi and I had salmon teriyaki. You don't think of a grandma eating sushi, and then it happens. Maybe it was all the Sake that got her in the mood.

Wasn't Mr. Miyagi's old friend turned arch enemy in "Karate Kid 2" named Sake? If it wasn't it was something close to Sake. Sooki? Sumo? Suduko?

If only there was some kind of website with a search engine that would allow me to find useless, arcane knowledge in a matter of seconds. Hmm...

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Just watched Meredith Viera tell her View co-hosts that she's heading off to The Today Show. Star Jones fake cried, Barbara tried to show emotion but failed, Joy said goodbye with a joke, and the blonde said something but nobody listened.

A couple months ago I wrote something about finding Katie Couric a little creepy, so I'm not sure if I'd want to get my news from her. Of course, I don't get my news from network news, nor does anyone else anymore, so it's all a lot of yammering over nothing, really.

Yea, I said "yammering", it's a first for me personally, as well as in The Daily Dave.

I had a dream last night that I was stuck in college because I couldn't afford to get the credits I needed to graduate, but the whole time knew it didn't matter because I was going to be a comedian. Somehow though, it felt more like a nightmare than a dream. I'm really not sure what to make of that.

Hmm, I should probably take a nap to re-enter my dream world to try and sort it all out. Hopefully that guy with the ugly green and red sweater won't be there. Wish me luck...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Allow me to slightly misquote a fairly awful movie when I say, "Mr Vice-President, we're in the midst of a major, global climactic shift!"

I mention this because it's snowing outside right now just few days after it was sunny and in the 60's here in NYC. It's not only snowing, but I haven't seen flakes this big since my last family reunion.

(Insert band leader's fake laughter here.)

I just IMed comedian Brian Baumley and said, "Look at the size of those snow flakes outside, isn't this how "The Day After Tommorrow" started?" He wrote back, "No, I'm pretty sure it began with credits."

Touche.

He then added, "Now, if credits were falling from the sky, that would be something."

Double touche.

As long as I'm talking about IM convo's, Joe Grossberg IMed me to tell me that I'm becoming the "anti-corporate comedian." I like that tag, and it pretty much gaurantee's that I'll die broke, but with integrity. Sweet.

I've been doing some name-dropping lately, but does it really name dropping if nobody knows who these people are except for me and my small band of followers?

Actually, I think in many ways I am the "anti-corporate comedian" but I really don't know how to translate that into anything. And it is a scary premise. I mean, it's not even slightly controversial to call President Bush a moron, but in this business it's totally controversial to say that Lorne Michaels doesn't know what he's doing, or that Leno is a hack, or that Carrotop is anti-carrot.

Why'd I go for a Carrotop joke there? I'm pulling punches for no reason. Unless, as I've long suspected, the corporations have somehow sent micro-organisms into my brain through the NYC public water system.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Writing from Starbucks today, where I was just giving a sample of the new Raspberry Frappuccino. Quite delicious. Good work giant, evil corporation.

So, on Saturday night I had a couple beers and watched some Final Four action with Andrew Tavani. As always we discussed sports, life and the state of television. We even watched Saturday Night Live for a few minutes, hoping for a laugh that would never come.

That show really is just awful. I think I've written about it before, but they clearly need to take some time off to fix whatever it is they are doing there. They take one marginally funny premise and drag it out into a five minute sketch, that, as Andrew pointed out, always ends up with someone singing and/or dancing. And could those girls doing Weekend Update stop laughing at all their own jokes? I've generally noticed that when comedians laugh at their own jokes it's a trick to make people think that something funny when it, in fact, isn't.

Why am I even talking about this? As if Lorne Michaels is gonna read this and be like, "Boy, that Dave Rubin sure makes some good points, why don't we get him in here to fix this piece of crap? I sure do love Dave Rubin. Thank God for Dave Rubin!"

Hey, you never know.

Uh oh, I just noticed I only have 22 minutes left on laptop battery. I've been here writing for about 2 hours, working on my one-man show. It's fifth or six incarnation of it, but I think this is the one that will finally be seen by the public. That's opposed to the five or six other versions that sit in the graveyard of files that is the "My Documents" folder on my computer.

I wanted to mention that the audition that I went on last week was for The Daily Show. I was a little conflicted whether to mention what it was for or not, as if somehow that in itself would jinx it, but I don't see why not at this point. As I said, the audition did go great, and last I heard no decisions have been made, so I'll be sure to keep you posted. Of all shows for me to get on, The Daily Show would be the most rewarding, especially as my first, because I was an intern there years ago and I think that'd make for a nice little story to tell my grandkids.

Yea, I have grandkids but that's a story for a time when I have a full battery.

And on that note, that's it for now, the battery is almost gone and it would be ashame to lose any of this self-indulgent literary drivel...

Monday, April 03, 2006

Saw "V for Vendetta" on Friday night. Excuse my cornyness when I say that it was "E for Excellent."

I won't give any spoilers in case you haven't seen it, but it's nice to see that Hollywood can still make a dark, edgy, smart movie. It's unfortunate that it had to take place in London for it to happen, but I'll take what I can get.

Speaking of movies, July 2007 will debut both The Simpsons Movie as well as The Transformers Movie. I haven't had two good thing like that happen in one month since July of 1985 when my sister was born and I was the last remaning player in a game of dodgeball at camp.

NCAA basketball wraps up tonight, and I have to admit I've watched less of the tournament this year than any previous year. Well, probably not less than my toddler years, but that shouldn't count, should it? I wasn't even allowed to hold the remote back then. Counting those years would be absolutely, utterly, insanely, ridiculous. That's just not something that I'm gonna take part in.

Charles Barkley was voted into the Basketball Hall of Fame today. He announced that he'll celebrate the decision tonight by getting into a bar-fight, spitting into a fans' face, punching someone, getting drunk and eating way too much. In other words, same old, same old.