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Dear Deandre, Week 2

Dear Deandre

After last week’s help, one user posted a problem in the comments below. Thank you for your problem and we shall address this for you now.

Fear to commit to relationships

“Dear Deandre,

I’m a 26 year old confident male. I never have a problem in getting relationships with women but my problem is wishing to stay in them and the thought of being stuck or trapped in one is something I don’t like/want? I fear this stops me wanting to commit myself and also find myself wanting to stay single. I do want a wife and kids one day and I do want a family but just hate the thought of not being free. Please help me to understand what this is many thanks.”

Feeling trapped in a relationship makes us want to break free immediately to maintain our freedom. Establish connection with partners and communicate well. Make time either indoors or out and share intimate times with one another unrelated to sex. Conversate on issues that matter or even when watching television or listening to music together. If temptations are around you focus on what is important to you. Should you seek another, end the relationship you are a part of? Finding the right one will take time but is available when you wish to look for similar connections of interests.

My once a month love life

“My husband and I only have sex once or twice a month – if I’m lucky. How am I going to conceive? I’m 27, he’s 29 and we’ve been married for three years.”

As you allude to later “he’s stressed but doesn’t know why” clearly highlighting he is stressed on some level. Have you discussed the issue of children or have you assumed a marriage is the norm for the next step of children? Perhaps he does not want them? The added pressures of having sex as a chore or forced necessity can cause feelings to become floundered. If you drive him further away he may awaken his sex drive with someone else. Talk to him, ask him what is bothering him and that you are prepared to listen. You must be prepared to listen and take in the intimate details. If you wish only to procreate and your husband is not prepared for this you should consider whether there is a future between you. It all sounds very rushed.

I told straight pal I love him

“I told my straight friend I loved him during a drunken argument and now our relationship has changed. Were both 23 and have known each other since university. I didn’t hear from him for ages. We met up again with a group of friends.”

As you explain he is a “Jack the lad” chasing skirt. He is young and carefree and the pair of you are polar opposites that will never connect the way you hope. What you are feeling is infacution due to close proximity and friendship. It sounds as though he has no care for you overall as a friend and is only due to your University lifestyle’s and having friends to be connected with in Uni life, which could be lonely without. You have separated yourself from other options by favouring this lothario. He has since found new friends to share his time with. He may want to reconnect or show off his friends and possibly tell/prove to them that you love him to earn street cred. You need to stop seeing him so regularly or at all and spend time away. After a couple of weeks to a month your feelings should pass if you pre-occupy yourself with other things unrelated to him. Cut all ties or cutting the cord, as it were. Move forward and find who is out there for you.

I need more

“Sex with my wife is all one-way traffic. We’re both 34 and have been married for ten years. I always have to make the first move and I satisfy her in every way possible. She never returns the favour.”

Your partner may not feel comfortable, sexy or even know how to make the first move. Tell her frequently that you care and raise her confidence. Do you make more of a connection in your home life than you suggest? Or is it only when sexual mood takes you that you both go forward? If nothing further happens, talk to her and ask her if she would like to take a more leading role. Talk to her about what you like and find her interests and encourage one another to make time to plan romantic nights in, or out. Maybe role play would give her a new sense of initiative also.

Daughter looks at lesbian porn

“Our 14 year old daughter has been accessing lesbian porn on her tablet we bought her for her birthday. I was shocked this might mean she is gay. I don’t know whether I should talk to her about it.”

So? If you love your daughter surely her sexuality is not the issue and clearly it is yours. This could eventually drive your daughter away if you take a bigoted approach with her life choices. At a young age she is growing sexually and maturely in life. She may be seeing this as an experience and curious rather than gay. Most people who are heterosexual will never admit to having a gay encounter be it male or female and this is not any cause for concern. She may feel comfortable around other females or those who seem to care. If you do talk to her about it you should say you noticed something on her tablet with other girls. Be careful, as the moment you breach her trust is the moment you could lose her forever. If your conversation is to tell her and put her off what may be her feelings then you should stop and question your principals. Checking on your daughter is important but you should not alert your wife to this. Blocking websites is not an answer. Censorship prompts us to find another opening, one that could be even more graphic. Let her know she can talk to you and it is between you both and if she needs to talk to you she can if you are prepared to accept she may be gay. If you can’t you should book counselling for yourself. Also, why did you buy her an expensive tablet at 14? You now shoulder some responsibility. She may also be looking to discover her own body from another female body as a part of growing up.

Ashamed I’m 23 and a virgin

“I worry that being a virgin is holding back my life. I have had many opportunities but everytime I seem to freeze. I am a man of 23.”

Go to your GP and explain your problems. It is hard to talk about it but you may need to. You could have an anxiety issue which prevents sexual action akin to stage fright. I cannot remember the technical term so apologies. They can give this to you. Find someone you feel comfortable with and keeping feeling of friendship and connection. Have sex when it feels natural but building communication beforehand seems to be a key imperative for you. You may not be some one night stand guy as possible inclined towards and prefer established communication.

Uncommited lover wants sex only?

“I am having sex with a guy aged 31. He is lovely with me but says he cannot have a relationship because I am only 19. I don’t know where I stand with him due to the age gap.”

Age gaps are not taboo in my view. Other’s may moan but this is an idealistic bigoted idea. It is common today, however this may be one reason he won’t be in a relationship with you. How other’s see him would be as potentially a dirty old man. This is how many assume certain things in today’s age when they are actually unharmful. The problem here is he wants to have a sexual encounter with a younger female which in pornography is classed as “barely legal” and this fantasy is one lived out. He may be a nice gent to you as you say, however he does not want a relationship with a 19 year old due to the connotation mentioned before as well as assuming you may be naïve and unready for a mature relationship. Some boys today are just that as you express but this man is not there for you and only wants a young sexual object. You should look for someone closer to your age who has your interests at heart and able to commit to you fully.

He posted flirty pics with girls

“I broke up with my boyfriend over photos of him with other girls on Facebook. We are back together but I am struggling to get the shots out of my head. He’s 22, I’m 20. My mum tells me he’s no good for me.”

He enjoys the attention of others and wants to be adored by all around him. If sex was available would he take it? It sounds like that answer would be yes. Regardless, these saucy snaps that have angered you prove his immaturity and prompts your future. If he cannot give himself fully to you and only wants fun with girls while at your expense possibly to keep you in line for feeling threatened on purpose, is that any form of a sustainable partnership?

Baby panic after 3 in bed with sis-in-law and cousin

“How do we find out whose child it is before it is born? I am 24, my brother is 25 and recently returned from a tour of duty in the army. Our cousin is the same age as him and the three of us have always hung out together. My brother will go ballistic if he finds out. How can we keep this a secret?”

Obviously I don’t need to tell you this is deplorable on both counts at the same time. You will have to face the consequence and on this one I suggest you be man enough to personally confess to your brother and accept whatever outcome. Truth will always out no matter how much you attempt to hide it. The longer it is contained the worse it becomes. You’re attempts to keep a secret as well is rather inhumane and you should start being more mature and take some responsibility. You will need to do so when the baby drops, won’t you? You will be a father. You must start manning up and cease sex with your relatives.

Ex on prowl

“My boyfriend has admitted having casual sex a few times with his ex, months after they parted. Now she’s having problems in her new relationship and keeps asking his advice. I am 27 and he’s 28. We’ve been together for six months. I get the vibe she is trying to steal my boyfriend.”

She may be hoping to have casual sex again and this is your concern. She has expressed to your boyfriend that she is having issues and this may be a subtle inclination from previous hook ups. You need to outline to your boyfriend that you are uncomfortable with this and need to understand why he is doing so. Why does he still having open connections with her? Sounds like he is keeping her on tap should you two not work out, or perhaps he is hoping for a threesome. You need to establish what his intentions are and not be so fully involved if he is with you. If he can’t stick to this you then need to decide your future.

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