My FI and I had an argument yesterday about wedding planning, and I have not spoken to him since. The reason I am still mad is because we can’t seem to have a calm conversation about this. I know a lot of bees say fighting over wedding planning is normal and this shall pass. I still have grudge against him not because wedding related stuff, but because of his attitude toward it.

So here is the brief scenario: since a lot of my family are flying to our wedding venue, we plan to have a 4 days trip right after the wedding for everyone. However, the tour guide that my FI plan to have does not speak any language other than Chinese. Problem: my family won’t be able to understand.

Therefore, my family suggested that we go on a trip with a travel agency that offers multiple language. Once I told him about the option that my family and I he started to flip out. I looked and him and said “there is no need for you to raise voice toward me, I am just telling you what my family think about this”. He went on and on about how it makes him look bad and as if he has not done anything for me ya da ya da.

I told him it is okay to stick with his plan, just find us someone that speaks multiple language. He said he can not find one, and it is unecessary to have a tour guide, because they talk crap anyway (?!?!)

What hurts me the most is that he finally said “I will just keep my trip plan, and it is up to you and your family to join us or not. Or else they can book their own trip and I have mine.”

So, what is the point of us getting married after all? I feel like we lost track of the whole thing, as if this has nothing to do with us getting married.

After our fight, he started to emailed his trip plan to our friends and copied me on it. And this morning he emailed me the info of our photographer. To be honest, I don’t really like that photographer’s work. However, I don’t feel like I want to express my opinion anymore. Or may be I can’t care less at this point. It seems to be someone’s else wedding, not mine.

Last night I went out until 1AM and he just didn’t care. I came home and saw him sleeping already. I think his behavior is very controlling and inappropriate. I just want my family to have a nice experience traveling, especially this is their first time traveling to a different country. It hurts me to know that my FI does not care about that, especially he has never met my parents. On top of that, I don’t want to be with someone that I can not have a calm conversation when it comes to major events let it be buying house, having kid, moving, changing jobs… Normally he is a positive person to be around. We can goof around with each other all day. But when it comes to major things, he makes sure that he has his way and my opinion is often claimed as stupid.

Bottom line is I don’t feel that I am at fault this time. If he does not initiate a serious talk and appologize to me, I don’t think this is working out. He can plan all he wants, deposit on everything, the only thing missing is a bride. I am not going with him if this conflict is not resolved. I am thinking about not coming home tonight at all, because I don’t even want to look at his calm face right now as if nothing happened. And I don’t think it matters if I don’t come home a day or 2. I am really depressed.

I think he’s dealing with a stressful situation very poorly, and I think you have making it worse. While you have a legitimate concern, staying out until 1AM, not speaking to him, AND not going home tonight are all childish responses.

If he’s controlling and you’re unhappy, then maybe consider postponing or cancelling the wedding. If you don’t know that this is the right call, then you both have some serious soul-searching to do. My outside opinion is that something is not right in the relationship right now, but only you two can figure out if that’s because of the wedding planning, or a deeper issue that’s brewing under the surface.

I don’t really have any real advice…but I voted for take some time and clear your head. Write some lists…pros and cons, reasons why you love him, your hesitations, how much negativity is tied to the wedding, etc. It might help!

@goldfish2308: I am looking past the superficial issue here. You are not fighting about wedding planning, you are fighting because he is being inconsiderate and you don’t feel valued or appreciated. If tour guides don’t have anything of value to say anyway, then why does he care what language they are speaking in? He is purposely being antagonistic towards you and it seems he has lost sight of the reason why everyone is coming to see you guys – you’re getting married! That means you come first and he treats you with respect.

Communication is one of the foundations for a relationship and it needs to be effective in order for the relationship to stand the tests of times. You will face a lot more important issues as a couple other than booking a tour. If you aren’t able to navigate through these small issues, how will you handle any large ones? He also wasn’t concerned about you being gone and just went to sleep – I find it hard to believe a man wouldn’t want to check on his partner to make sure that she is okay if nothing else.

I am not saying don’t marry him. I am saying make sure he treats you with the respect you deserve and communicates with you in a way that is not offensive and is, in fact, productive.

@goldfish2308: Realize that when a guy says they can’t do something over half the time they mean “I just don’t want to”. Take a few days to clear your head, your response of running away and his passive running away will be big problems if you don’t get them sorted out. A large part of marriage is learning how to deal with the stuff you’d rather run away from. This might also be the place to seek couseling (not long just one or two sessions), you could talk to a pastor or non-religious counselor, but you can’t just pretend the problem exists.

I think there’s a bit of Mars/Venus thing happening here. You’re telling your fiance that you’d like a tour guide who speaks a language your family can understand – totally reasonable, btw – but he’s hearing, “You really screwed up when you booked this tour and that was dumb and wrong and bad of you.”

Did he react well? Hell no. He acted like a jerk. But wedding planning is a stressful time that can bring out the worst in people.

My question for you is…does he frequently overreact to things? Does he generally dismiss your opinion? Does he often times tell you that you’re on your own if you don’t like his plan? If this is common behavior, you are right to run. If this is not something that happens often, I think you need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel. I believe his response will be very telling.

@goldfish2308: I voted for “why are you marrying him?” I really have nothing nice or constructive to say, so I won’t say much. All I’m going to say is… I’d never date someone who treated me like that, let alone marry them. There is more to a marriage than having fun and goofing around with them. If you can’t agree on something that’s supposed to be fun like a vacation, how are you going to agree on anything that’s important?

@goldfish2308: I agree with sailor_girl. His reaction wasn’t about your suggestion. It was about your suggestion -> his interpretation based on assumptions, sensitive issues, or the way he read your tone/expression -> his resulting feelings. A lot can happen in the split second it takes to respond to someone. And before you know it, both of you are reacting to what you thought the other person meant… It’s dangerous and the only way out of it is to talk and find out what really triggered him. Next time, hopefully you can both react in a way that doesn’t cause more hurt and fear. <3

@oneofthesethings: Indeed, he told me to translate everything to my family. However, I don’t even know a word of Chinese. He meant he will translate it to English to me, and I translate English into my language to my family!?! And there are 10 ppl including my parents. How am I supposed to enjoy time with my family while all I am doing is trying to find out what is going on on the trip?!?! This sounds ridiculous!

@mrspinesol: I recently notice that we don’t often talk about serious matters to each other. Do I have fun time being with him? Ofcourse! But do I feel like a life partner with him? May be not.

@sailor_girl: Recently, he easily gets frustrated. He and I were working on the background of a fish tank, and he did not read the instruction. Therefore, the project was a mess and he got frustrated. The whole time, he cursed out like crazy “what the f, this is stupid, f, f, f”, then he ripped the thing out and said “can’t believe i spent 2 hours on this sh*t, f….” I suggested that I youtube it. I fould the solution and we redid the work. The experience just shows that he has bad temper when things don’t work out, not just wedding related stuff.

Well I can’t imagine the stress of this wedding. It sounds like you all and his family all live in China and your family is coming over. Planning a wedding alone is bad enough but when you’re having your family fly in from another country it just increases the stress level exponentially.

Neither of you is really free of any guilt in this situation. He needs to calm down and be more understanding of you and your family and you need to not stay out till the wee hours of the morning or avoid going home. You’re just perpetuating the situation. You need to sit down and talk it out like adults. If you can’t do that then he, you, or both of you aren’t ready for marriage.

It ain’t always fun…you give, you take, you bite your tongue, you talk about things that aren’t enjoyable. It’s a part of marriage. If you can’t do it now then you need to work on it before you take the next step.

Don’t let you emotions rule your decision now. You have a couple months. Work on it now.

@OctBride-2012: It is stressful because he and I living in the US, and my family are flying from VN, and the venue is in China. It is a big mess. I don’t know why we bother to have a wedding like that, to be honest with you. It is such a headache

@goldfish2308: It sounds like your fiance does not handle stress very well.

Also, you said in your original post, “[W]hen it comes to major things, he makes sure that he has his way and my opinion is often claimed as stupid.”

So you’ve got a guy who flies off the handle over minor inconveniences, demands to have his own way, and tells you that your opinions are stupid. Those are some serious red flags.

The tone of your posts make it sound to me like you’re ready to break off the engagement. I can’t tell you one way or another what to do, except to say that I see some red flags from both of you (his temper/attitude, your staying out to 1 AM/talking about how it doesn’t matter if you come home or not) and that taking some time to talk and sort things out is probably a good idea.