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Anxiety won't kill you...

4 February 2018

The other day I took on the biggest personal challenge of my life so far...I had a really important assessment day for my dream future career in the public service. I have wanted do this particular career for my whole entire life and as of yet, I don't know whether I have been successful...but I am not feeling too confident. Needless to say it was one of the most nerve-racking situations of my life, if not - the most nerve wracking. I didn't feel too nervous for the actual day, it came over me more when I started the first exam. The assessment comprised of many different tasks, to which the first one led to me panicking mainly because it was the first task of the day and I didn't know what to expect. But, I tried to not let this affect my future progress because I had a long day ahead of me. As time went on, the anxiety reduced. However the two biggest tasks; the interview and the role-play were looming and even though I was there in the building every inch of my body was telling me to run and that there was no possible way for me to get through it. It came down to the role-play and I can honestly say that at that moment, stood outside the door and waiting for the buzzer was the most nerve wracking experience of my life or at least it felt like it at the time. If you've been a reader for a long time, you'll know that I have had anxiety for many years and I used to have a severity of anxiety that meant I couldn't leave the house and if I came anywhere near it, I would have a complete, out of control, meltdown and panic. In that moment standing outside of that door however, I had that feeling of wanting to run away. My heart was in my throat and it was a type of anxiety I don't think I have ever felt before. I think I felt such a way because usually by that point of severity of anxiety, it would've been expressed in a panic attack. But at that moment I couldn't. I was surrounded by other candidates, officers, actors and assessors. It was not the time and it took everything for me to maintain my composure. As a result I felt a type of severe anxiety that couldn't have any release and in that way, I just had to let it wash over me and it was exactly that. I literally felt the anxiety wash over and through me rather then letting it build up in tension. It's almost difficult to explain, but because I couldn't do anything to reduce it, I just had to make peace with it in some way. Knowing that I went through a situation of extreme anxiety and rather than running away like I always used to do, I stuck with it. It surprised me and I am extremely proud that I managed to do it. I'm not sure I could experience a level of anxiety much higher which provides me with the confidence that I can face many more challenges than I first ever thought I could. It just reinstated to me that if you think about it, you have survived every day so far, even those you thought you could never make it through.