Greetings to all infidels and defilers of Islamic law, my name is Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer of Infidels, and Allah has sent me to kill you. Allah has become increasingly sickened by the existence of Christians, Jews, a-theists, and every other infidel out there who refuses to accept that he is the one and ONLY true god there is. (Just as a side note, he is NOT angry with any infidel for dissing his prophet, Muhammad, at the moment. This is because Muhammad owes him a great deal of money from a bet he lost to him on the Super Bowl, and until it’s paid, Allah will act as if Muhammad doesn’t exist). However, Allah IS angry, beyond all words, by the arrogant disrespect infidels show him by choosing to be infidels in the first place. So, if you are an infidel, Allah wants you to know he hates you. He hates you SO much, in fact, that he’s proclaimed you must be executed as swiftly as possible for he can no longer stomach your existence. And he has chosen me, Admiral Taslim Ackbar, to be the vehicle through which this is accomplished.

Admiral Taslim Ackbar, Killer Of Infidels

However, before I bring Allah’s bloody vengeance down upon all infidels, I must first ask a question that I’ve pondered my whole life: How could any intelligent man chose NOT to be Muslim?! What an outstanding, manly religion Islam is! It has everything any male monotheist could ever ask for in an ancient, outdated, dogmatic belief system. Below are but a few of its more desirable qualities.

Women are looked upon as evil temptresses in Islam and are considered to be no more than second, or even third-rate, pieces of property belonging to their husbands. They must keep their evil, temptress-like faces veiled at all times so men won’t be tempted to rape them. AND, now get this, if a man does happen to rape a woman, well, it’s simply seen as her own fault for not wearing the right veil or for having eyes that were just too seductive and evil for ANY man to resist. Now if that isn’t just about the best example of a win/win situation there is for a guy, I don’t know what is!

Like Muhammad, men can choose to marry, in certain advanced Muslim countries, girls under the age of 12. What adult male pedophile wouldn’t love this idea? No better way to train a woman to behave exactly the way you want her to than to start fuckin’ ‘er before she’s 12! That’s what I always say!

In many parts of the world, America in particular, religious “Faith” is given such a high degree of deference that you can do almost ANYTHING in its name and people will remain silent about it for fear of “offending” you. This serves Islamic bullies, like me, quite well. Being a killer of infidels, I appreciate not having my religious practices, which often involve public declarations of hate and threats of death against those Allah decrees I must abhor, questioned by anyone for fear they might offend me by doing so. Islam is a great religion if you love hating people openly as much as I do.

The last desirable quality of Islam I wish to tout here is this: No other religion, in the year 2015, can silence criticism of itself and its wrong doings as well as Islam does. Islam keeps artists, writers, actors, politicians, leaders of other religions, and even news reporters afraid to speak out against it. Through acts of horrific violence and threats of such violence against those who call into question just how miserable and completely fucked up Islam is, Islam continues to exist as the misogynistic, backward, fucked up, piece of shit “Faith” it is without the criticism it deserves. And once I kill all the infidels out there who question it, as Allah says I must, everyone in the world will be just like me. Doesn’t that just make you feel all bubbly and warm inside?

Shitland, Ohio. Hello to all my fans! This is Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo, formerly know as Pope Benedict XVI. I’ve noticed many of you have shown an interest in me and my decision to convert to Islam so that I could wed the love of my life, a 12-year-old girl-child whose name embarrassingly alludes me at the moment.

Well, you’ll be happy to know that not only do I now belong to a true monotheistic religion, there is NO god but Allah, I’m happily married to not one but 5 brides all under the age of 13! I can’t tell you what country I’m in, for fear the parents of my brides might track me down and do horrible things to me, but I can tell you I’m quite sexually satiated and at peace with God (and the laws of the country where I live). It is a true blessing not to have to explain that Christian nonsense about 3 being 1 anymore. No one is that stupid, and Christians embarrass themselves every time the topic comes up.

Young Bride-Beater Bullwhip

I get up each morning and have 5 very young brides hopping about doing whatever I demand of them. And I truly believe that, though they may feel they MUST do as I demand because of the large bull whip I use on them when they don’t, they do the things I demand out of a deep love and respect they have for me, Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo. Life is good, my friends. The key to being happy, I’ve found, is living in a country where your particular sexual fetish isn’t just accepted, it’s considered the will of God that you act upon it. I’ll check back soon. Bye til then, Sheikh Allah BaBa BooBoo

Because my sanity is not at all stable, I often get ridiculously nonsensical ideas that I turn into blog posts. This is one them. If famous characters from the Bible were animals, here’s what they’d look like. Hallelujah!

1.) Here’s God just after he, unexpectedly, created the first humans.

I Didn’t Think It Would Really Work. What The Hell Am I Suppose To Do Now?

2.) And here’s his number one bad-ass of a son, Jesus.

I Told Ya I Could Lift It, Pa. Didn’t I? Well, Didn’t I?

3.) And now, to help us round out the three gods who are, somehow, actually only one, here’s The Holy Spirit.

Say, Jesus, I Dropped By To Use Your Pool. Hope You Don’t Mind.

4.) John the Baptist’s freshly decapitated head is next.

What The Fuck Are You Lookin’ At?

5.) A group shot of the 12 Apostles arriving at Jesus’ place for the last supper.

OK, Jesus, We’re Here. Where’s The Eats?

6.) Eve, the first woman, in a rather compromising position.

Hey, Adam! This Apple Just Fell On Me. Could You Help Me Get It Off? Just Don’t Bite Into It For Christ’s Sake, OK?

7.) And, here’s Adam and Eve suffering the consequences of Adam not following Eve’s instructions from the above picture.

Wadda Mean Yer Kickin’ Us Out? Where The Hell Are We Gonna Go?

8.) Lastly, we have this lovely picture of Allah, the great god of the Koran, as he moves into his new home.

There Is Room For Only One God In This Hen House, And It Ain’t You, Yahweh!

Forest Moon, Endor. World renowned Biblical archeologist, Professor Al Lickya, stopped by TACP’s Berlin office today with some stunning photos he discovered in Tunisia of famous Bible folks sporting beards. Have a look at them, and let us know what you think. Some of them are quite shocking, so please, do not view them if you are an expectant mother or bald.

1.) This first pic is of the big guy himself wearing a very General Grant-ish style beard. Quite dapper, in a Civil War kinda way, eh?

God

2.) This next pic is of the big guy’s number one kid, looking a tad bit scruffy and very, very pissed off. Guess he REALLY didn’t want his picture taken.

Jesus

3.) Next, we have a pic of the big cheese from another holy book, The Koran. He looks a lot younger than I thought he would. Wouldn’t you agree?

Allah

4.) Here’s one that I find quite surprising, as I never expected to find her wearing a beard. Too much testosterone in the food back then I suppose.

The Virgin Mary

5.) And lastly, here’s a pic of Mary’s earthly husband taken immediately after she told him she was pregnant, and the baby wasn’t his, but God’s.

In order to keep up with the demand that god and faith become more incorporated, legally speaking, into the daily lives of Americans, Congress today voted that Islamic Law now become the ONLY law in America. “Yeah,” said Congressman and Sheikh, Joe Doohicky of Virginia, “we in Congress just got tired of all this bitchin’ and moanin’ over what exactly is and what exactly isn’t separation of church and state. So, we decided to toss out the state part all together and make America Islamic by law. Things are just bloody simpler this way. Why Islam, you ask? The answer is easy: because there is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. Let me repeat that for you, just so there’s no confusion, OK? There is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. This means, that as of tomorrow, July fourth, no religion but Islam can be practiced or even mentioned by any American citizen ever again. Anyone doing so will be immediately stoned to death. As well, every American female will now keep her face completely covered when in public. We don’t want women, the temptresses of Satan, encouraging decent men to rape them with their demonic faces and seductive eyes. Women not following this law will be put to death by stoning. Immediately.

Follow The Law, Or Else

Remember this, and all will be well: there is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet. We followers of Allah, who make up the Congress of the United States, have killed every member of the Supreme Court and the President. As well, we’ve taken total control of the military and will nuke any state that does not comply with this new law. We, your Islamic Congress, are now everything to you, America, like it or not. We wish you, and your loved ones, a very blessed, Islamic, Fourth of July. It is the day America will remember as the day it truly became one nation under one god, Allah. The right religion has finally been made into the law of the land. There is no god but Allah, and Mohammad is his prophet.”

Fox News announced this morning that Saint Paul, creator of Christianity, and Mohammad, creator of Islam, will fight to the death this Sunday at 8PM on the patio of Todd’s Crawdad Emporium in South Bend, Indiana.”We’ll be broadcasting the event live,” said Fox News Sports anchor, Gary Dobsinskiebergstein.

I’ve Altered A Few Things To Make It Read Better

“Of course, we here at Fox are hoping St. Paul kills Mohammad and very, very slowly, too, because he’s Islamic. We here at Fox News are Christians, and we bask in the light of Jesus’ love for us and those exactly like us. Thus, we hate Islamic people because they deny the divinity of Jesus, the guy Paul said was God, a really long time ago, and people just took his word for it. I personally hope Paul flays the bastard, slowly, keeping the skin intact in one piece. That way, Paul can mock Mohammad even further by wearing his flesh as he disembowels him, fries his intestines in a pan, and shoves them into his mouth while shouting, ‘Doesn’t pig taste delicious, you fucking Muslim dog!’

Say Guys, Why’d Mohammad Tie that Head To His Horse?

After Mohammad has finished eating, Paul can reach into his chest, tear out his beating heart, toss it onto the floor, and stomp it into a bloody pancake before flushing it down the toilet. Finally, after Mohammad’s body is quartered and given to atheists to eat, Saint Paul can say mass. We all can share in the glory of Christ’s love for us by consuming his flesh and drinking his blood. That’s what we here at Fox News hope happens. But if, for some God awful reason, Mohammad gets the upper hand on Paul and kills him, the Fox News team will tear him into bloody pieces with our bare hands. We’ve done it before, and if need be, we’ll do it again. So be sure and watch Sunday. You’ll regret it if you don’t, especially if you love Jesus like we do.”