An Open Letter To Jerry Jones

by thoughtsonthedead

Dear Jerry Jones,

Hi, Mr. Jones. I am Thoughts on the Dead. Yes, that Thoughts on the Dead. How are you? I’m fine.

Mr. Jones, I’m going to get straight to my point: please hire Johnny Manziel to be a Dallas Cowboy. Pretty please with sugar on top. You wanted to draft him, to the point of having to be physically restrained from making the pick. He is now available, and at a bargain price. Please hire Johnny Manziel to be a Dallas Cowboy.

Allow me to sweeten the pot, Mr. Jones. I’ll blow you. That’s how much I want to see this upstanding young man let loose into your organization. I will grasp your skinny, quivering thighs, pull your twice-broken pelvis towards me, and ululate you with my uvula. I will enthroatulate your longhorn into semi-tumescence and tug with all my strength until some milky dust poots out the scabby end of your turkey vulture.

And then I’ll leave the room without a word.

To reiterate: please hire Johnny “Billy Football” Manziel to be a Dallas Cowboy, and please put his locker right next to Dez Bryant or Greg Hardy. How bout them Cowboys!

When Disney finally gets around to making “ToTD: The Movie,” this post is going to be one of my favorite scenes. Especially if they cast Christopher Walken to play Jerry Jones and Tommy Lee Jones to play JJ’s penis.