BRUVS PACK A PARTY PUNCH

THERE couldn't really be a better time for the Ferreira family to arrive in EastEnders (BBC1).

THERE couldn't really be a better time for the Ferreira family to arrive in EastEnders (BBC1).

Storylines like Phil & PC Kate are an unedifying, frankly unsatisfactory, combination of the preposterous and dull.

Dirty Den Jr, Dennis, has forged a reputation for being fascinating, dashing and tough, but actually has all the charisma of a portion of cold chips from Ian Beale's chippie.

As for the nonsense involving a girl who is under the impression Ricky Butcher is writing poetry ("you're such an intell-eckt-chull, Ricky")' the writers really must think we're fick.

So surrounded by this tripe, it's not surprising that last night's house-warming party (or "arse-warming" party as Bloody Big Mo called it) allowed the three brothers, and in particular their excitable mate Tariq, to introduce a bit of zip. Admittedly, this mostly consisted of that tired soap device - karaoke - with their Dad dressing up in a white Elvis suit.

EastEnders has, apparently, vowed not to pack the Ferreiras' storylines with racial issues although, on their arrival, Jim Branning was muttering "they're Indian, they do like to pack 'em in, don't they?"

There was much nonsense from the Slaters about "showing that we're a friendly, tight-knit community" (Huh?!) and lavishing them with what Dot called "East End horse-pitality."

This turned out to mean wearing funny hats, making some sarnies, and getting out a can of tinned salmon from the back of the cupboard. Whoopee s**t.

As if the Ferreiras' hadn't suffered enough, Pauline Fowler turned up, albeit behaving so miserably at her memories of Mark that she quickly left, grumbling, "I don't really feel like a party." So no change there then.

Pauline was also heard to remark, "it's nice to see one big happy family living here."

Sure enough, it wasn't long before the Ferreira family - especially the bruvvers - were kicking off.