During counseling sessions with Lena, we spent a lot of time talking about what kind of things she would want in a relationship, what she felt she needed from a supportive partner. We talked about different aspects of the unhealthy and abusive relationship she had witnessed between her parents, and what the alternatives were for a healthy relationship.

I never tell a teen I’m working with what to do – that doesn’t work. I want teens to really think about these things on their own, with my help, so that they can figure out what they want in their lives and what they want out of a loving relationship.

I help them understand that because they saw violence growing up doesn’t necessarily mean it is normal or okay, but instead that there are all different ways to have a relationship and to communicate effectively what you want and how you feel.

The biggest challenge I face is working with teens families who have so many competing needs. Most of the families I work with have really concrete issues that need to be addressed, due to financial struggles, and due to systems that continue to oppress the teen and their family (including the public benefits system, education system, court system, or just racism/classism/sexism in general).

When my clients are returning to chaotic and violent neighborhoods and homes, it’s hard to help them focus during a counseling session on discussing their feelings.

That said, working with teens is amazing. I’ve worked with teens and young people from 12-25 years of age from all over the world and various educational, socio-economic, religious, and ethnic/racial backgrounds and I have learned something from all of them.

One thing I’ve learned, is that teens can tell when you’re being fake or just trying to placate them – if you’re honest with them, they will be honest with you. It’s a great feeling to get to know a teen, have them share things with you about their lives, and then help them figure out what they want for themselves and how to achieve it.

For Lena, talking through practical examples of healthy versus not healthy relationships was huge. She started thinking that healthy relationships were impossible, but eventually saw they were possible and that she deserved to have healthy relationships in the future.

The power of providing services to teens is that I can intervene at a really critical time in a teen’s life, and empower a teen like Lena to create a really different, healthy and fulfilling future for herself.

Andrea Yeriazarian has been working with kids and teens since she became a social worker 11 years ago. Andrea has spent 9 of those years with Sanctuary’s Children’s and Youth Services Program, and has been a leader in shaping the agency’s services for teens.

It’s hard enough being a teen. So what happens when teens face domestic violence?

Lena was just 17 when she came to Sanctuary for counseling. For years she’d witnessed her father abuse her mother – physically, verbally, emotionally and economically – and at times Lena herself was the target of his attacks.

Teens are deeply impacted by witnessing any sort of violence between their parents. It’s normal for teens to be focused on developing their identity, figuring out who they are, and asserting some sort of independence. When there is violence in the home, these normal developmental tasks are impacted and even sidetracked.

The way that we as individuals learn about life and how to act in life, and what behavior is appropriate, is through our family. We learn from watching our parents – how they take care of us, how they interact with each other, how they interact with the world. When the only examples you’ve been given are of violence, it’s really hard for teens to understand that an abusive and controlling relationship isn’t normal – that love doesn’t have to include violence.

Lena faced these struggles. She knew she did not want to be in an abusive relationship, but she was also convinced that any relationship she tried to enter with a boyfriend would turn abusive. She had a hard time believing that healthy relationships were real or possible, and struggled to identify any healthy relationships she knew of at all.

Of course, feelings like these are abetted by pressures from peers and messages from society. If you think back to when you were a teen, did you seek advice from adults or other teens? Most likely, you talked to your friends about your relationships, not your parents. Which is totally normal.

The thing is, teens don’t always have the most accurate or healthy information to pass along to their peers. In our world today, there exists so much violence and so many examples of unhealthy relationships that people start to believe these relationships are normal. Combine this with an abusive household, and the results can be disastrous for a teen who’s just trying to figure things out.

Teens in violent homes may be forced to act “parentified” – as an adult, instead of a teen, taking on the responsibility of protecting the abused parent and younger siblings while trying to keep the household running. Some teens will leave altogether and engaging in risk-taking behaviors: skipping school, substance use, and participating in gangs as a way of finding support. Needless to say, school often suffers and it’s nearly impossible to set goals for the future.

This post is Part 1 of a 2-part series about teens and domestic violence- read Part 2.

Andrea Yeriazarian has been working with kids and teens since she became a social worker 11 years ago. Andrea has spent 9 of those years with Sanctuary’s Children’s and Youth Services Program, and has been a leader in shaping the agency’s services for teens.

View all of our Domestic Violence Awareness Month blog series, and find out how you can speak up.

Tyler was 15, Matt was 13 and Alicia was just 9 when they arrived at the doors of the Rosa Parks Crisis Shelter with their mother Nancy.

“I remember the first day that every family comes in,” says Keyra Carpio, Children’s Activities Specialist at Rosa Parks. “When I came down to meet with Nancy’s family, the three kids were tucked into their hoodies, silently checking their phones – doing everything to block themselves out from the situation.”

Nancy and her kids left an abusive father and a lifetime of instability, and were ready to start over free from violence. But the challenges they faced were extreme – one day after arriving at the shelter, Nancy was diagnosed with cancer.

Finding safety in shelter

Rosa Parks is one of Sanctuary’s five crisis shelters, the first place families go when escaping domestic violence. Home to five families at any given time, the shelter is a tidy, bright building with a backyard, a dedicated children’s room, and separate full apartments for each family.

Residents and staff treat the shelter like a true home and care for each other like family. Rosa Parks definitely challenges stereotypical expectations of shelter in New York City.

But entering shelter, no matter how welcoming or warm, is never easy, and holds extra challenges for children and teens.

“The first few weeks are always the most difficult for children and teens in shelter, but especially for Nancy’s family,” says Keyra. “Tyler, Matt and Alicia felt insecure and uncertain from being in such an unfamiliar place, and on top of that, now their mother had to navigate advanced-stage cancer.”

Transforming children, and moms

Keyra and the Rosa Parks staff help kids and families transform every day by providing extensive children’s and youth services on-site, for all young residents. Along with a dedicated Children’s Room for play, art and homework, Keyra plans an extensive art curriculum for every kid by age group.

Art, says Keyra, helps kids open up. “Just painting a self-portrait helps kids speak and share about themselves. Engaging with pictures and art let kids explore who they are, which is critical.”

Staff advocate for the kids to get them enrolled in school, and sort out any school issues that might conflict with shelter circumstances. Tutors come to Rosa Parks to help kids out with their studies.

Fields trips to museums and theater workshops take place at least once a month, and the staff takes advantage of every opportunity to throw a celebration, from birthdays to graduations to holidays.

Trips and parties aren’t just for kids – moms take part too. After moms and kids have experienced trauma from abuse, these group activities can help them come back together and rebuild their relationships.

A community pulls together

For Nancy and her kids, the Rosa Parks community played a crucial role in their journey from fear and abuse to safety and security.

“When Nancy was diagnosed, it was a drastic change for the family, even after all they’d been through,” says Keyra. “Suddenly, the kids had to take real responsibility, because their mom could not handle it all on her own.”

Nancy had to travel from Brooklyn to the Bronx daily for chemotherapy and radiation, and there were days, in the throes of her illness, where she did not think she could get out of bed.

The Rose Parks staff helped the family develop a plan for getting chores done, getting the kids to school and Nancy to her appointments. The family’s counselors and shelter staff held regular check-ins, planning for how to keep everyone going through the most challenging of times.

Slowly, the family pulled through.

Rebuilding a family through art

As Nancy progressed in her treatment and grew stronger, she began to spend time in the Children’s Room.

Inspired by the art projects hanging on the walls, Nancy wanted to do something for herself.

“Nancy wanted to feel productive and creative again,” says Keyra. “She came up with an idea to create an ‘art journal,’ documenting the challenges and joys of her time battling cancer.”

Soon, the entire family was taking part in this temporary relief from their day to day struggles. Over six weeks, they created six paintings, each one meaningful in a different way. Together, they represent the family’s long journey to safety and happiness.

A happy beginning

Six months after arriving in shelter, Nancy and the kids moved on to a transitional shelter. Recently they found permanent housing through New York City’s new LINC program.

Nancy is cancer-free, and her children have found their confidence again.

They plan to decorate their new home with their art.

This post is one of a series about children that we are sharing during Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Visit our blog for more, and find out how you can speak out during Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Find out how our counselors work with children to break the cycle of violence.

This Q&A with Children’s and Youth Services Program Director Pam Krasner is part two of a series. Read part one.

What sets your staff’s approach to therapy apart?

Pam: Much of what we do is help children feel safe. We do our best to create a non-judgmental, client-centered space. We focus on self-determination at any age – children already only have so much control over their lives and much of that is stripped away under domestic violence, so we work to restore that confidence.

We let the children lead. The topics they bring up, the stories they tell in play therapy – all of that informs our understanding of what is happening. When children are dealing with anxiety and fear, we teach them breathing exercises, just like an adult might try. We talk to them about healthy relationships. We make it clear that the abuse is not their fault.

What is the hardest part of your job?

Pam: Knowing that children can’t protect themselves. For Kasey, Carl, and Joey – the kids I spoke about earlier – when they were at Sanctuary, when they were with their mom, I knew they were safe. But their father still had ongoing visitation, and none of us could be there when they went to stay with him. It was hard to not feel worried about what might happen when he was in charge. This is not uncommon, and it’s why self-care is such a critical part of this work.

Despite the challenges, does this work ever bring you joy?

Pam: Absolutely. Seeing a child like Joey go from being delayed and afraid to laughing, walking and taking my hand? That’s incredible. Working with children, I see my role as helping to stop the cycle. I am working with kids during a time when I can really make a difference, educate, and show them an alternative path forward. That knowledge makes the tough times easier.

Sanctuary recently announced a new Strategic Plan that emphasizes expanding our impact on children and youth. What do you envision for CYSP moving forward?

Pam: First of all, expansion of CYSP is critical. We perpetually have a waitlist. We do not have enough resources to meet the extensive need for children’s domestic violence services in New York City.

Second, we are working on processes to identify the children of clients more quickly, assess their needs more fully, and intervene more effectively. I am proud of how we do all of that now, but as I mentioned, we sometimes encounter barriers to providing treatment, like when parents are resistant to services because they don’t think the children were affected. In these cases, it can takes longer for CYSP to get involved. There is definitely room for improvement.

Finally, I think we do a great job collaboratively and holistically addressing a family’s complete needs – guided by Sanctuary’s model. But we could be working more closely with lawyers, shelter staff, and other individuals involved. This is definitely a priority moving forward.