Lincoln taps Bond to win the war

The new Spielberg movie, "Lincoln," looks like it'll be a big success. Which means Hollywood will be hoping for a sequel.

Unfortunately, a sequel will be hard to create, unless there's a yet-untapped audience for a film titled "Andrew Johnson."

But there is a way. Another big, successful movie also recently opened, with a hero who always gets sequels. So, if they could just put the two together …

(SPACE)

Abraham Lincoln rose from his desk in the Oval Office as the visitor entered. "Good morning," said the president. "You are …"

"Bond. James Bond."

"Yes, the fellow loaned to us by British intelligence. Very nice of your boss, M."

"Actually, the chief is now K, who recently replaced J. We won't get up to M for a hundred years yet."

"Commander Bond, I'm mighty glad you're here. You know we've got this pesky civil war going on. My spies in Richmond tell me the Confederates are developing a powerful new secret weapon that could tip the balance of the war. We need you to go down there and thwart their nefarious plans."

"Thwarting nefarious plans is my specialty, Mr. President."

Three days later, Bond was in Richmond, posing as an itinerant wholesaler of men's long johns. He knocked on the door of his contact's house.

A beautiful young woman opened the door. "Ah've been expecting you, Mr. Bond," she purred. "Ah'm Magnolia Spoonbread, the ravishing Southern belle who's secretly a Northern spy. Shall we have the sex scene now and get it ovah with?"

Bond took Magnolia in his arms. He flung off her wide-brimmed, flowered hat. Then he untied the ribbons on her dress. Then he pulled off a crinoline. Then he pulled off another crinoline. Then he went to work on unlacing her corset …

Ten minutes later, both of them lay panting on the floor. Bond estimated he still had at least five articles of clothing to go.

"OK, forget the sex," he said. "What have you learned about the Confederacy's secret weapon?"

"You've never seen anything like it," said Magnolia. "It's …" Then everything went black.

When Bond came to, he was tied up in a chair. There, sitting across from him, was Mr. Big himself.

"So, Mr. Bond, you thought you could thwart my plans," said Jefferson Davis silkily, as he stroked his beard.

"How did you know I was a Union agent?" asked Bond groggily.

"One small slip. You called yourself a seller of long johns, which of course is another name for …"

"Ah," said Bond. "Union suits."

"Before you are shot as a spy," said Davis, rising, "behold the thing that will bring the Yankees to their knees."

Bond looked at the strange object on the table. Hmm, he thought, a leather-covered pointed prolate spheroid …

"It's called a football," Davis smiled. "The ultimate agent of Southern dominance! The South will rise again, in a new, stronger confederacy: the Southeastern Conference! It will dominate the nation! And not only that! We Southerners will dominate the Atlantic Coast Conference! The North will have nothing that can match us!"

"That means," said Bond, "you even could have …"

"Yes! Tailgate parties!" Davis continued. "Why, with football teams like these, the South could — dare I say it — rule the world!"

Bond sighed. "I give up, you win," he said. "Here, have a cigar."

Needless to say, it was a cigar that Q had supplied Bond with. In the confusion following the explosion, Bond untied himself and rushed out the door. Outside, he was immediately surrounded by a swarm of gray-clad soldiers, rifles in hand. It looked like certain death.

In unison, the soldiers grabbed their powder cartridges, tore the cartridges, poured the powder down the muzzles of their rifles, dropped the musket ball in the barrel, took their ramrods and …

Bond yawned and strolled down the street.

After a death-defying horse-and-buggy chase through the streets of Richmond, Bond made his getaway, the football under one arm and Magnolia Spoonbread under the other.

"You have saved the Union," Lincoln told Bond back at the White House. "Under the generous terms of surrender General Grant has given to General Lee, the South can keep its football teams, although the radicals in Congress have insisted on NCAA sanctions. But there will be big-time football in the North as well. We expect great things from Notre Dame and the Big Ten."

"Good, Mr. President. Can I get back to Britain now?"

"Just one more thing, Commander Bond. The history books won't mention it, but I've been having this problem with vampires …"