Russia Today/YouTube screenshot by Chris Matyszczyk/CNET

I don't want to disturb what you're doing right now, but apparently four different species of aliens have been visiting Earth for thousands of years.

I don't quite have the evidence at hand, but Paul Hellyer, who used to be Canada's defense minister, claims he has.

In an interview with Russia Today, Hellyer explained (as if it was obvious): "Of course, there's been a lot more activity in the last few decades."

The reason for this, he said, was that man was stupid enough to invent the atomic bomb. Aliens are frightened that we're going to use it again (and again) and that this will affect the whole balance of the cosmos.

Ergo, each visit seems to have symbolized: "What the hell are they doing in that insane asylum today?"

Hellyer suggested that there are Edward Snowden-style whistleblowers who have already revealed government knowledge of alien visits. "It doesn't take long to get your hands on it," he said.

Hellyer is perhaps less convincing about his own experience with UFOs. He claims to have seen one, but when asked what it was like he said: "It just looks like a star."

He added: "The Star of Bethlehem is one of God's flying saucers."

Hellyer used to believe that there were between 2 and 12 different species of alien. Now, he says he's received reports that there might be as many as 80.

What's perhaps most interesting to our self-centered species is that some of them apparently look just like us. Indeed, he claimed that two alien ladies went to Las Vegas to shop dressed as nuns and no one was any the wiser.

Why would they be? This was Vegas. Try that in Springfield, Ill.

In case you feel you might have met one in your home town, some are tall ("Nordic blondes"), some are short ("Short Grays"), and some look like aliens in cartoons.

At this point, you'll be worried about whether these aliens are mean-spirited. Hellyer said that only one or two species might be threatening. He didn't mention whether they spoke Klingon.

In previous pronouncements, Hellyer has insisted that aliens know how to make us greener.

The aliens would, it seems, like to teach us better ways to live. Hellyer believes, though, that they are waiting for our consent. Moreover, they're scared that if they revealed themselves we'd throw a conniption.

Honestly, it's as if these aliens have never seen a single sci-fi show. We've been begging them to sort us out for many a year.

You'll be wondering, though, about their technology. The aliens are "light years" ahead of us. And, apparently, "a lot of the things we use today, we got from them."

Ah, that's why it's called the Samsung Galaxy.

Microchips and Kevlar vests are two of the other creations that, according to the serious Hellyer, came from outer spatial sources.

We would get a lot more technology from them "if we would go about it peacefully."

Hellyer's concerned that we might truly need a Star Wars capability "if we shoot down every UFO that comes into our airspace."

It's easy to dismiss Hellyer as being, well, from another planet. But our obsession with what's out there belies, surely, our considerable dislike of what we have become.

Perhaps hardest to swallow is Hellyer's notion that the majority of alien species out there are benign, loving, and progressive.

To be supposedly within reach of better attitudes and better technologies -- and only not receiving them because we don't ask for them -- seems to be the ultimate in tragedy.

So, dear aliens, could you just prove your benevolent ways by sorting out the three things that are bothering me right now. You know what they are, because you have the technology, right?

I am asking you nicely. Pretty please?