When you’re alone and life is making you lonely, as Petula Clark might have sung back in 1964, you can always go (ba-ba-ba-bum) on a whistle-stop five country jaunt to abroad.

The odds may be stacked against Donald Trump forgetting all his troubles, all his cares, on his first foreign tour, as Pet promised in “Downtown”. But hey, there’s nothing like some geographical distance to put local difficulties in perspective – and who in his domestic position wouldn’t dream of sparkling on the international stage?

Whether he is capable of sparkling in Saudi Arabia, Israel, the Vatican, Belgium or Italy is in doubt. But at the time of writing, he hasn’t monumentally shamed himself on the first leg in Saudi Arabia. The one trivial embarrassment so far saw Trump, who attacked Barack Obama for bowing to the previous king, treating the incumbent to a stiff-kneed, little-girl curtsey.

Yet these are the earliest of doors. By the time you read this, he may have congratulated King Salman on the sensible Saudi approach to road safety (“Women drivers, huh, who needs ’em?”), and female complainants about sexual assault (“Highness, you have the greatest public floggings”).

He may, in today’s speech to the leaders of 50 Muslim nations, stray from the teleprompter with a rant about the “deep state” and an invitation to his audience to join him in a chorus of “Lock Her Up”.

Tomorrow, when he nips to Israel and lavishes that amazingly generous 15 minutes on the Holocaust museum, Yad Vashem, he might blurt something like “so sad, so very sad… although Bannon tells me it never happened. Fake news… ” as he lays the wreath.

At the Vatican on Wednesday, he is capable of asking Pope Francis what he does for relief when he gets a bit full up beneath the red robe (“This celibacy thing, Frankie, it’s baloney, right?”). On the final leg, at Friday’s G7 meeting in Sicily, you wouldn’t rule out a reference to Vito Corleone’s birthplace, and some wistful reflecting on that other Don’s methods of dealing with those who showed him insufficient respect.

Yet the best guide to how Trump will handle his top-level summits is a later model of Italian-American than the Godfather. It’s Joey Tribbiani from Friends, specifically in the episode where a door-to-door salesman (played by magician Penn Jillette) tries to flog him a set of encyclopaedias.

“Let me ask you one question,” says Penn. “Do your friends ever have a conversation and you just nod along even though you’re not really sure what they’re talking about?” Joey’s mind, such as it is, flashes back to the Central Perk sofa.

“I think he deserves a Nobel Prize,” says Monica, and Joey nods until the others ridicule her, and he looks utterly bemused. “I mean, it was like the Algonquin kid’s table,” says Chandler, and Joey uneasily joins in the laughter as the reference whooshes over his head.

As for his nodding incomprehension at Ross’s “I’m telling you, it’s just totally unconstitutional,” – need we really belabour the parallel confusion in the Oval Office about its meaning?

The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Show all 17 1 /17 The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Paul Manafort Mr Manafort is a Republican strategist and former Trump campaign manager. He resigned from that post over questions about his extensive lobbying overseas, including in Ukraine where he represented pro-Russian interests. Mr Manafort turned himself in at FBI headquarters to special counsel Robert Mueller’s team on Oct 30, 2017, after he was indicted under seal on charges that include conspiracy against the United States, conspiracy to launder money, unregistered agent of a foreign principal, false and misleading US Foreign Agents Registration Act statements, false statements, and seven counts of failure to file reports of foreign bank and financial accounts. Getty The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Rick Gates Mr Gates joined the Trump team in spring 2016, and served as a top aide until he left to work at the Republican National Committee after the departure of former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort. Mr Gates' had previously worked on several presidential campaigns, on international political campaigns in Europe and Africa, and had 15 years of political or financial experience with multinational firms, according to his bio. Mr Gates was indicted alongside Mr Manafort by special counsel Robert Mueller's team on charges that include conspiracy against the United States, conspiracy to launder money, unregistered agent of a foreign principal, false and misleading US Foreign Agents Registration Act statements, false statements, and seven counts of failure to file reports of foreign bank and financial accounts. AP The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation George Papadopoulos George Papadopoulos was a former foreign policy adviser for the Trump campaign, having joined around March 2016. Mr Papadopoulos plead guilty to federal charges for lying to the FBI as a part of a cooperation agreement with Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation. Mr Papadopoulos claimed in an interview with the FBI that he had made contacts with Russian sources before joining the Trump campaign, but he actually began working with them after joining the team. Mr Papadopoulos allegedly took a meeting with a professor in London who reportedly told him that Russians had "dirt" on Hillary Clinton. The professor also allegedly introduced Mr Papadopoulos to a Russian who was said to have close ties to officials at the Russian Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Mr Papadopoulos also allegedly was in contact with a woman whom he incorrectly described in one email to others in the campaign as the "niece" to Russian President Vladimir Putin. Twitter The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Donald Trump Jr The President's eldest son met with a Russian lawyer - Natalia Veselnitskaya - on 9 June 2016 at Trump Tower in New York. He said in an initial statement that the meeting was about Russia halting adoptions of its children by US citizens. Then, he said it was regarding the Magnitsky Act, a US law blacklisting Russian human rights abusers. In a final statement, Mr Trump Jr released a chain of emails that revealed he took the meeting in hopes of getting information Ms Veselnitskaya had about Hillary Clinton's alleged financial ties to Russia. He and the President called it standard "opposition research" in the course of campaigning and that no information came from the meeting. The meeting was set up by an intermediary, Rob Goldstone. Jared Kushner and Paul Manafort were also at the same meeting. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Jared Kushner Mr Kushner is President Donald Trump's son-in-law and a key adviser to the White House. He met with a Russian banker appointed by Russian President Vladimir Putin in December. Mr Kushner has said he did so in his role as an adviser to Mr Trump while the bank says he did so as a private developer. Mr Kushner has also volunteered to testify in the Senate about his role helping to arrange meetings between Trump advisers and Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Rob Goldstone Former tabloid journalist and now music publicist Rob Goldstone is a contact of the Trump family through the previously Trump-owned 2013 Miss Universe pageant, which took place in Moscow. In June 2016, he wrote to Donald Trump Jr offering a meeting with a Russian lawyer, Natalya Veselnitskaya, who had information about Hillary Clinton. Mr Goldstone was the intermediary for Russian pop star Emin Agalaraov and his father, real estate magnate Aras, who played a role in putting on the 2013 pageant. In an email chain released by Mr Trump Jr, Mr Goldstone seemed to indicate Russian government's support of Donald Trump's campaign. AP images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Aras and Emin Agalarov Aras Agalarov (R) is a wealthy Moscow-based real estate magnate and son Emin (L) is a pop star. Both played a role in putting on the previously Trump-owned 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. They allegedly had information about Hillary Clinton and offered that information to the Trump campaign through a lawyer with whom they had worked with, Natalia Veselnitskaya, and music publicist Rob Goldstone. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Natalia Veselnitskaya Natalia Veselnitskaya is a Russian lawyer with ties to the Kremlin. She has worked on real estate issues and reportedly counted the FSB as a client in the past. She has ties to a Trump family connection, real estate magnate Aras Agalarov, who had helped set up the Trump-owned 2013 Miss Universe pageant which took place in Moscow. Ms Veselnitskaya met with Donald Trump Jr, Jared Kushner, and Paul Manafort in Trump Tower on 9 June 2016 but denies the allegation that she went there promising information on Hillary Clinton's alleged financial ties to Russia. She contends that the meeting was about the US adoptions of Russian children being stopped by Moscow as a reaction to the Magnitsky Act, a US law blacklisting Russian human rights abusers. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Mike Flynn Mr Flynn was named as Trump's national security adviser but was forced to resign from his post for inappropriate communication with Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. He had misrepresented a conversation he had with Mr Kislyak to Vice President Mike Pence, telling him wrongly that he had not discussed sanctions with the Russian. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Sergey Kislyak Mr Kislyak, the former longtime Russian ambassador to the US, is at the centre of the web said to connect President Donald Trump's campaign with Russia. Reuters The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Roger Stone Mr Stone is a former Trump adviser who worked on the political campaigns of Richard Nixon, George HW Bush, and Ronald Reagan. Mr Stone claimed repeatedly in the final months of the campaign that he had backchannel communications with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange and that he knew the group was going to dump damaging documents to the campaign of Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton - which did happen. Mr Stone also had contacts with the hacker Guccier 2.0 on Twitter, who claimed to have hacked the DNC and is linked to Russian intelligence services. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Jeff Sessions The US attorney general was forced to recuse himself from the Trump-Russia investigation after it was learned that he had lied about meeting with Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Carter Page Mr Page is a former advisor to the Trump campaign and has a background working as an investment banker at Merrill Lynch. Mr Page met with Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak during the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland. Mr Page had invested in oil companies connected to Russia and had admitted that US Russia sanctions had hurt his bottom line. Reuters The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Jeffrey "JD" Gorden Mr Gordon met with Russian Ambassador to the US Sergey Kislyak during the 2016 Republian National Convention to discuss how the US and Russia could work together to combat Islamist extremism should then-Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump win the election. The meeting came days before a massive leak of DNC emails that has been connected to Russia. Creative Commons The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation James Comey Mr Comey was fired from his post as head of the FBI by President Donald Trump. The timing of Mr Comey's firing raised questions around whether or not the FBI's investigation into the Trump campaign may have played a role in the decision. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Preet Bharara Mr Bahara refused, alongside 46 other US district attorney's across the country, to resign once President Donald Trump took office after previous assurances from Mr Trump that he would keep his job. Mr Bahara had been heading up several investigations including one into one of President Donald Trump's favorite cable television channels Fox News. Several investigations would lead back to that district, too, including those into Mr Trump's campaign ties to Russia, and Mr Trump's assertion that Trump Tower was wiretapped on orders from his predecessor. Getty Images The biggest names involved in the Trump-Russia investigation Sally Yates Ms Yates, a former Deputy Attorney General, was running the Justice Department while President Donald Trump's pick for attorney general awaited confirmation. Ms Yates was later fired by Mr Trump from her temporary post over her refusal to implement Mr Trump's first travel ban. She had also warned the White House about potential ties former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn to Russia after discovering those ties during the FBI's investigation into the Trump campaign's connections to Russia. Getty Images

It isn’t easy to feel sympathy for Donald Trump. It requires a colossal effort of will, if not mind-altering drugs, to come close. Even so, I ask big-hearted readers to make that gargantuan act of will, and imagine his torment as he meets world leaders to discuss matters of Byzantine complexity about which he knows about as much as Joey. If that.

His ability to master a brief mirrors Joey’s to learn French. Such is his ego-to-concentration span balance, we read, that aides pepper two-page documents with the words “Donald” and “Trump” to keep him engaged.

So if his hosts stroke that ego by remembering to congratulate him on the “largest electoral college win ever”, he’ll do a Joey whatever they say. If Benjamin Netanyahu asks him to drop a pair of MOABs on Ramallah to mark the first day of Ramadan, he will nod his agreement, and leave it to Sean Spicer to brief the press that he was joking from behind whatever the Wailing Wall has to offer by way of bushes. If Bibi brings up the ongoing strife between Sunni and Shia, he’ll nod and say that he and Ivanka love doing “I Got You Babe” together at Mar-a-Lago karaoke nights.

On some level, to some degree, the sense of inadequacy will penetrate the bombast as he tries to bluff through these meetings. It will be a painful experience, however briefly remembered, because no one enjoys feeling spectacularly out of their depth, and his foreign policy knowledge makes the 2008 Sarah Palin look like Henry Kissinger.

All he has in his favour is that expectations could not be lower. As with Palin in her 2008 VP debate with Joe Biden, all he needs do for the trip to be considered a huge diplomatic success is avoid wetting himself at the G7 and vomiting over His Holiness.