Gwyneth Paltrow wants to sell you something.

Those are seven scary words… that get even more frightening when you learn it involves your butt. And coffee.

Goop’s latest “Beauty & Wellness Detox Guide” includes a recommendation to buy a $135 “Implant O’Rama,” a.k.a. a coffee enema, a.k.a. a machine that sprays coffee up your colon in order to clean it.

… Normal enema bags from the drug store cost 10 to 20 dollars and just removing them from the plastic packaging releases toxic fumes. Putting coffee, which is an acid, next to substandard plastic or rubber defeats the detoxification process as it leeches xenoestrogens and other toxic chemicals into the liquid. Even expensive silicone bags are difficult to clean and need to be replaced frequently. The Implant O’Rama is made from glass, kynar connectors, and silicone tubing. This system is completely non-reactive to coffee acids or ozone. The pump attached to the Implant ‘O Rama allows the liquid to be pushed in with a small amount of force, delivering the liquid to areas higher in the colon.

Oh good. You wouldn’t want to coffee just getting up part of the way. That would be disgusting…

Look at that product, though. It’s not special. It looks like a Mountain Dew bottle, covered in green mesh, with a tube sticking out of it. I could make one for under $5. (The internal asspresso explosion would be free of charge.)

There’s also a problem with the whole idea of detoxing, since that’s not something most people need to do, certainly not as a health regimen and definitely not with coffee grounds. Beth Mole of Ars Technica explains:

… there’s no need to “detox” — unless you have kidney or liver failure, and/or have been poisoned recently. When in good working order, your body naturally clears any toxins you might encounter. And there’s no evidence that any DIY detoxing cleanses or diets improve health. That said, there’s plenty of evidence that coffee enemas and colon cleanses in general can cause harm.

Also scary is the giant disclaimer on the product’s website.

… By using this site for any purpose whatsoever, including reading, browsing, studying, verification, purchasing, etc., you are agreeing to indemnify Implant O’Rama LLC, the designer of these products or anyone associated with this product including the website designer and manufacturers from any claims or responsibility for anything which may result there from, and you accept sole responsibility for any legal, medical, or financial liability which may occur as a result of your usage of the pages or products on this site.

In other words, when you’re in the hospital, don’t blame them.

I can’t believe the type of people who enjoy raw water and jade eggs found a product that’s even worse for them, but there you go.

The people who routinely talk out of their asses want you to stick something in yours.

