Keeping The Faith Script - Dialogue Transcript

Voila! Finally, the Keeping The Faith script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Edward Norton, Ben Stiller, and Jenna Elfman movie.  This script is a transcript that was painstakingly transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Keeping The Faith. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to drop me a line. You won't hurt my feelings. Honest.

Keeping The Faith Script

            Evenin' fell just like a star

            Left a trail behind

            You spitted You slammed out the door

            If this is love, we're crazy

            'Cause we fight like cats and dogs

            I just know there's got to be more

            Please call me, baby

            Wherever you are

            It's too cold to be out walkin' in the streets

            We do crazy things when we're wounded

            Everyone's pretty insane

            I don't want you catchin' your death of cold

            Out walkin' in the rain

            I admit that I ain't no angel

            I admit that I ain't no saint

            I'm selfish and I'm cruel but you're blind

            If I exorcise my devils

            Well, my angels may leave too

            When they leave they're so hard to find

            Please call me, baby

            Wherever you are

            It's too cold to be out walkin' in the streets

            We do crazy things when we're wounded

            Everyone's pretty insane

            I don't want you catchin' your death of cold

            Out walkin' in the rain

            Answer me honestly.

            If I was to tell you that I love you...

            and that I'd throw it all away to be with you...

            w-what would you say to me?

            Good night, Paulie.

            Yep. Yep, that's about par for the evening.

            But what I want to see

            Is the way things used to be

            Between you and me

            The way things used to be

            Let me guess.

            Your old lady got fed up because you're out here chasing the skirt...

            so she took these little ones and left you.

            It's a little more com-- It's a little more complicated than that.

            Oh, yes, it always is. Everybody thinks their story is the one with the twist.

            But let me tell you, in my experience it's--

            - Holy shit. - Exactly.

            - This I've got to hear. - No, look, uh, it's a long story.

            And I know you're ver-- I know you're very busy...

            and I don't really feel like swapping stories...

            - Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, wait. - if you want to know the truth.

            Okay, now tell me, Father, how long has it been since your last drink?

            Um, it's been about a minute and a half since my last drink.

            Of course. Now, what about these kids?

            Okay, um--

            - Well, you see the one on the right? - Mmm.

            - The cu-- The cute one? - Mm-hmm.

            That's me.

            - That's very cute. - Brian Finn.

            Paulie Chopra.

            Okay, well-- Now, you see this kid on the left?

            - Mmm. - That was my best friend Jake.

            - He's a priest too? -Jake?

            No, um, as it-- as it turns out, Jake's a rabbi.

            Come on. A priest and a rabbi? I think I've heard this one.

            No, look, I've heard all those, and, trust me, you have not heard this one.

            Okay? So there's this priest and this rabbi, and they're best friends.

            - Mmm. - But before they were a priest and a rabbi...

            they both knew this girl.

            - Ah, the girl. - Yeah.

            - Who's the girl? - That's Anna Reilly.

            Reilly? Let me guess. She became a nun?

            Not quite. Not quite.

            See, we all met in the sixth grade at P.S.    right here in Manhattan.

            I think I already knew Jake, and then we both met Anna.

            No, wait, you know what? Actually, I remember exactly how we met...

            'cause, well, it was sort of one of those defining moments.

            Well, after that we were pretty much inseparable.

            Now, Jake and I were definitely what you'd call "late bloomers."

            And your average seventh-grade girl's attentions can be pretty fickle.

            But not Anna. Her loyalty to us was constant.

            Anna was the friend that every   -year-old boy dreams of.

            You know, that magical cross between Jonny Quest and Tatum O'Neal in Foxes.

            Yes! Yes!

              Yeah, we were some trio. Anna used to call us "two Micks and a Yid."

              She was gonna make T-shirts.

              You know, there's eight million people in New York...

              but when the three of us were together it felt like we were living on our own little island.

              But New York is an island.

              I'm trying to sprinkle a little fairy dust here.

              - I'm-- I'm trying to tell a story. - I'm terribly sorry.

              - Continue. Go on. Sprinkle away. - Mm-hmm. Okay.

              Well, then disaster struck.

              The summer after eighth grade, Anna's father got a job in California...

              and just like that, she was gone.

              Well, as for me and Jake, our friendship just got stronger and stronger.

              In most ways, we were like any other two kids in New York...

              but our relationship did have this one unusual component--

              we were fascinated with each other's religions.

              He showed me the secret rituals of Judaism...

              and I let him in on the Catholic mysteries.

              Just remember: spectacles, testicles, watch, wallet.

              I bet you're wondering what makes two kids wanna become a priest and a rabbi in this day and age.

              Well, you know, people don't talk that much about a calling any more...

              but I just knew it was something I was supposed to do.

              And even way back then, everybody just seemed to feel good bringing their problems to me.

              My parents had basically given up on children when I came along...

              so my mother always called me her gift from God.

              That really stuck with me, and when I was eight I told her I had a feeling I was supposed to return the favour.

              She was so happy, she cried.

              My dad just wanted to know if working for God came with dental.

              Now, Jake's sense of a calling might not have gelled as early as mine.

              Religion was really more of a hobby for him at first.

              Got it. Got it. Need it. Need it.

              Got it. Got it. Need it. Got it.

              Jake was just one of those special kids, you know.

              He was smart, popular. Everything came easy to him. He just had that kind of aura about him.

              You took one look at this kid and you knew he could do anything he wanted with his life.

              Jake's family had been in the investment banking business for three generations.

              His father and his brother Ethan both tried to convince him to join them at the family firm.

              I think he gave it some serious thought, but in the end he decided he wanted to do something different with his life.

              When he made his decision to become a rabbi, he did it with great confidence and resolve.

              I don't want to listen to any of you!

              Jake and I went off to seminary the way other guys go off to the army or the Peace Corps.

              It was an adventure.

              Newly ordained as masters of theology, we were both assigned back to New York City...

              where we quickly confronted the practical aspects of our jobs.

              Oh! Jesus!

              And despite these early setbacks, we eventually found our groove.

              - Take it nice and easy. Win 'em over slowly. Okay? - Okay.

              Shabbat shalom, everyone.

              Before we get started, I want you all to do me a favour.

              I want everybody in the back there to come on forward and fiIl up these first three rows here.

              Oh, guys, come on. Let's try one more time. Shabbat shalom!

              - Shabbat shalom! - Thank you, Mom.

              Ma'am, you in the back. Yes, you. Come on.

              God hates a solo artist, I promise you.

              We're gonna be the Fugees here this morning. No Lauryn Hills.

              Okay, my mom is the only person in the room...

              approximating the level of "Shabbat shalom"-iness that I think we can hit.

              Sir, you're leaving. Why-- I-- It's customary to sneak out after the Communion.

              Now, give me something I can work with, folks. Shabbat shalom!

              - Shabbat shalom! - All right! Now we're ready to daven!

              I don't want to brag, but the word got out that there was a new act in town...

              and soon we were playing to the packed houses I always knew we'd been destined for.

              I know. I know!

              I-- I-- I know. But seriously, what is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about?

              - Anybody. Steve Posner. - Sexual perversion.

              Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching a little too much Spice Channel, okay.

              The Seven Deadly Sins. Who can name the Seven Deadly Sins?

              People, it was a very popular film with Brad Pitt. You have the ultimate Cliff note.

              And Lot takes them in and he protects them.

              What happens next? Anybody. Ah.

              Greta Nussbaum, before she pulls her rotator cuff.

              God spares Lot and his family.

              Bingo! Two-week cruise for Greta! You're goin' to the Bahamas!

              You know, when you think about it...

              God is a lot like Blanche Du Bois.

              He's always relied on the kindness of strangers.

              And that's really what the story is about-- it's about us taking care of each other.

              God relies on us to take care of each other.

              Because faith is not about having the right answers.

              Faith is a feeling. Faith is a hunch, really.

              connecting us all together.

              And that feeling, that hunch, is God.

              And coming here tonight, on your Sunday evening...

              to know that we're doing pretty well as a community.

              Even if all of you failed my pop quiz miserably.

              Let us pray.

              Jake and I used to talk about how we needed to kick the dust off our faiths, bring 'em up to speed with the times.

              No more of the old routines.

              Jake said, "We're gonna give 'em an old-world God with a new-age spin."

              Feel the prana.

              Our first big idea was to turn this abandoned gay disco...

              into a joint Catholic-Jewish senior centre-slash-karaoke lounge.

              You know, sort of a Fiddler on the Roof meets Lord of the Dance...

              meets Buena Vista Social Club.

              Not an easy idea to sell to some of the higher-ups...

              but that's what we lived for-- to push the envelope.

              You know, we were gonna bring our religions into the    st century any way we could.

              We were gonna shove 'em a little, if we had to.

              Jake said we were gonna be like those young cops who come on the force and shake things up.

              You know-- the God Squad.

              Well, it's just like the ocean under the moon

              Well, it's the same as the emotion that I have for you

              You got the kind of lovin' that can be so true, yeah

              So give me your heart Make it real

              Or else forget about it

              Or else forget about it

              Or else forget about it

              Come on, bring it. Nice.

              Oh. So Ben Lewis comes into my office this morning, tells me he's retiring.

              - Rabbi Lewis? - Yeah.

              - Wow, that's the end of an era. - I know.

              But that's exciting. How long before they give it over to you officially?

              Well, I'm telling you, there are a few backwards thinkers on that board who just--

              They don't get what I do. You know?

              Plus, there's the whole thing about me being single.

              - Single? - Don't think that's not an issue.

              Wait a minute, wait a minute, are you seriously telling me that if you don't find a nice Jewish girl...

              and settle down in the next six months, they're not gonna give you this job?

              I'm seriously telling you that-- that there's not been a bachelor head rabbi of B'Nai Ezra...

              since the beginning of the synagogue.

              - Wow. I mean-- - I know. It's--

              You'd better start getting out there more.

              - Tell me about it. It's embarrassing. - Okay, okay, but forget about that. You do want to meet somebody, right?

              No, I'm just saying that I want to meet somebody in a spontaneous and casual manner, that's all.

              - And it's almost impossible with me. - Why? I don't understand that.

              - Because I'm a rabbi. - Yes. Yes. What's your point?

              The point is that every time I go out with a woman I don't know if she likes me just for me...

              or because I'm Rabbi Jake.

              You know? There's a certain expectation.

              It's like, I can't go with my impulses. I have to-- I don't know.

              Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews that they don't have the time to be.

              Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of people they don't have the discipline to be.

              - So, we knew this getting into it. - Right.

              Oh, no, man. Check this out.

              - God Squad in the house. - What's up, Shabazz?

              Okay, so, you gonna give it up, Rabbi, or are we gonna have to go through the motions?

              Get ready to say your prayers, my friends, 'cause I am in no mood today.

              - Watch your ass, Shabazz! - Come on

              Turn me loose

              Just turn it up

              Power to the people, y'all

              - Turn it loose, hey - Oh!

              Shake hands with the  - -

              Like I said before PE got a brand new funk

              - Turn it up - Bye.

              - Good game, Shabazz. - Tell your mother I said "hi."

              All right.

              Power to the people

              I gotta quit playing with those guys from Jewish Theological Seminary.

              It really lowers the bar.

              Oh, can I just say "oy"?

              Amen to your "oy."

              - What happened to our youth? - I'm telling you, it ended at    pal.

              Oh, hey, speaking of our youth, I forgot to tell you something.

              - What? - This is big. Guess who called me.

              - Who? - Okay.

              Think about who is the coolest woman you and I have ever known, ever.

              That's easy. Anna Reilly, eighth grade. No question.

              - You got it. - What?

              - She called you? - Yeah.

              - Anna Reilly called you? - Yeah. Totally out of the blue.

              - Why? -'Cause she's coming to New York, uh, for work...

              and she wanted to get together with us.

              - She just looked me up. - Really?

              - Yeah. - Anna Reilly. What is she doing now?

              She-- She's, like, analyzing synergies, or synergising analogies, or, or some such thing.

              I couldn't follow it. She's, like, this very high-powered business-- You know.

              - Woman? - Woman, yes. Thank you.

              - Wow. And you told her about us? - Yeah. She flipped, in a-- in a good way.

              - Man, that is so cool. - I know.

              I wonder why she called you.

              What do you mean?

              No, I mean, she called you.

              - What, are you in the eighth grade still? - What? That's a legitimate question.

              I just-- I mean, we're both listed.

              Finn before Schram, okay? You're ridiculous.

              That's a good point. Alphabetical.

              I think we should toss this. We look like idiots.

              - Shut up. We do not. - You shut up.

              - You think she's changed? - No, I bet she still weighs    pounds and listens to Leif Garrett.

              For the record, it's Leif. Long "A." Didn't you see the Behind the Music?

              Hey, come on, admit it. You're excited. This is gonna be great.

              The three of us hanging together again? I can't believe it.

              - Is that her? - No. No.

              - Hail Mary. - Mary.

              - Full of... something. - Full of something'.

              Hello, boys.

              - I don't understand. - Well, basically, I'm like a plumber, except I fix leaky corporations.

              - Oh. -Jake Schram.

              - Yes. - How are you? Who are you?

              Tell me everything. Give me the  -  -  . I wanna know.

              - Well-- -Job, girls, news.

              Oh, now, hey, come on, come on. I know him. I know him. Y-You start. Catch us up right now.

              - All right. Job is good. Really good. - Men.

              News: My parents are happy and retired.

              - And, uh-- - Men? - I take yoga.

              - Men. - That's my life.

              - No. - Men. - Come on.

              - Don't cheat us. G-Give it up. - I don't-- Relationships? Yada-ya--

              I don't have time for relationships. I work, like,     hours a week.

              - You guys have no idea. - Hey. Hey.

              - Excuse me. I think that we work pretty hard for a tough... - Yeah, working for the--

              - That's a... - boss. - full-time thing.

              No, I work harder than God. If He had, uh, hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.

              Great. That's great. So you're saying that we're just never going to see you.

              - Is that-- This is the big kiss-off. - No, for you guys I will make time.

              - Wow. I feel special. - That's my bag.

              - I got it. I got it. - I got it. I got it.

              - I got it. - I got it, man. I got-- No, I got it. Let me-- Let me-- I-I can get it.

              Okay. Thanks.

              - You okay? - Yep-- No-- Go.

              Remember the names of some of those kids we went to school with?

              - Remember Aram Salaam? - Mm-hmm. His father was a diplomat, right?

              He was always saying he couldn't get a parking ticket  'cause he had diplomatic immunity.

              - Remember Elan Portnoy? - Yeah, he was always complaining.

              He was always smoking pot.

              - Hey, remember our shoplifting club? - Oh, yeah.

              - You had to steal something to be a member. - How about you with the basketball?

              Remember she stuck that basketball under her shirt, and you said you were pregnant?

              - I pulled it off. - Yeah, but you were twelve.

              Yeah, but it was New York, it was the  '  s. You could get away with anything.

              - We should get home, right? - Huh? - Yeah, it's getting kinda late.

              - We should take you back. - Well, I'm still on West Coast time. It's only  :   my time.

              Let's go do something.

              So this is a rectory. Sounds like a dirty word-- "rectory."

              - Great place to meet chicks. - Totally.

              Oh, I'll bet. So, what's your chick situation?

              Oh, uh, don't ask. It's, it's, it's not a good story.

              - Why? -'Cause his whole congregation's trying to set him up...

              and it makes him very uncomfortable.

              - What's wrong with that? - There's a reason that pandas don't mate in captivity.

              - What does that mean? - It means that all these mothers keep making these dates for me

              They're very intimidating. They're like the Kosher Nostra.

              - Oh. - It's true. They're little women, but they're very determined.

              You get a little melodramatic about this, don't you think?

              Oh, yeah? Check this out.

              - I was faxed one of their daughter's resumes this morning. - Get out.

              - Let me see that. "Ali Decker." - Yeah. Look at the bottom.

              - Oh. She has a skills section. - Yes?

              Oh. You win. She put jogging as a skill.

              See, she doesn't even know the difference between a hobby and a skill.

              - All right, well, maybe she's a skilled jogger. - I have to go on a date with this girl.

              - Why don't I just say no? - I don't know. Why don't you?

              Because I can't alienate these women. They-- I need body count at the temple.

              Just relax. It'll be fine.

              Oh, God, please let this be painless.

              - Hi. - Hi.

              Right on time. I like that in a rabbi.

              Oh. Hey, this is a great place. This is really--

              - My lair. - really nice.

              - I'll be ready in a second. - A lot of space.

              I know. Thanks, Daddy. Right?

              You go, girl.

              No pain, no gain.

              Oh. Tuesdays with Morrie. I love that book.

              I'm ready.

              - Oh, do you, uh, do these tapes? - Are you kidding me?

              - No. - Are you kidding me?

              - Hmm. No. - These tapes are my life.

              Exercise is like a religion to me. No pun intended.

              - Feel my abs. Not bad, right? - Ouch.

              - Punch me. - Excuse me?

              - You heard me. - Um, I-I'm not gonna punch you.

              I think you will find, Rabbi Schram, that this princess is no pushover.

              I can tell. And, hey, come on. Call me Jake. All right?

              Okay, let's get a few things straight here, Jake.

              One: I like you a lot.

              And unless my radar is completely on the blink, I think you like me.

              - Well, I mean, we-- we just met, but-- - Two: I am many things.

              No one thing defines me. Are we clear about that, Jake?

              - Yes. - Then let me have it.

              - I'm not gonna punch you. - Punch me!

              -You're a girl. I'm not gonna punch you. -Hit me. I can take it.

              - I'm not scared. - I'm sure-- I know you're not. I just-- You're a girl, and--

              - What, are you some kind of wuss? - No, I'm not a wuss--

              - But I'm not gonna punch a-- Oh. All right. - Little wuss, little wuss,

              Oh. Are you okay?

              - I'm fine. - You sure? -J-Just get my bag.

              - Okay. Uh, you said you could take it-- - Fine!

              That's wonderful. Th-That headband's so cool.

              - Oh, I'm so glad you noticed. - Yeah. What is that?

              - It was-- It was beaded by the mentally retarded. - Oh, really?

              - Yes. - Really? 'Cause it looks really good, though.

              - Oh, n-- Well, they're heavily supervised. - Uh-huh.

              - Th-They-- - Yeah, but it really-- i-it seems to--

              - I mean-- - It goes together well, don't you feel?

              - Oh. - My God. Get a-- - Oh, no, no. That's--

              - Get away from the table. - Whoa, no, no, no.

              - Get out of here. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's okay. Hey.

              Hey, here, here, here. D-Don't-- Don't-- Here.

              - Thank you. Thank you. Have a nice day. - You're flushing it down the toilet.

              - Thank you. Don't-- You don't wanna-- - He's gonna spend it on booze.

              Well, I had a great time. Thank you. It was wonderful.

              Uh, good night.

              - Don't you want to come up, tuck me in? - I-I-I shouldn't.

              Believe me, you should.

              No, I can't. I-I-- You're a congregant, and-- You know?

              I'm telling you, you can. I want you to.

              I-- I-- I would love to.

              I just-- I-I have a-- I got a-- I have a friend at home.

              - A friend? - A male friend. A guy.

              A dog. A male dog.

              - A beautiful puppy named Pinchas. - Pooch can wait.

              - No, no, no, he's a Rottweiler. -Just come up for a minute or two or three.

              No, no, no, no! No! Don't! Don't. No, listen to me. This dog is a codependent little puppy.

              He needs my help, or else he'll go to the bathroom over everything. He does it.

              Well, send me the cleaning bill. Get outta here.

              - No, no, no. Don't get out. No, stay. I-- I would-- It's not gonna-- - You are making me crazy, Rabbi.

              - You're making me so-- No. No. -Just come on. Just come up for me.

              - Come on! For a minute! - I can't!

              -Just come on! - Aah! Are you okay? Good!

              - Oh, wow. - Go! Go! Go!

              - Hey! Hey! - Thanks! I had a wonderful time! See you in shul!

              You're not playing games with me, are you, Phil? You sure?

              Okay, 'cause you know better than that, right?

              Okay. Well, if those results are correct, then I, uh, say we have a deal.

              Of course, I'll expect it in writing by the end of the day.

              Yes, by the end of the day, Phil. What, did I stutter?

              All right, Phil, you know what? I don't have time for this, okay?

              Gotta go, Phil. Gotta go, gotta go.

              No way.

              Oh, yeah, baby.

              Okay, okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Take a break. Take a break.

              I suck. They're gonna take away my yarmulke.

              - No, no, no, you-- you don't suck. - I suck.

              Okay. Yes, you do. You suck.

              But that's okay. You're supposed to suck. This isn't a talent contest, this is a rite of passage.

              I mean, this happens in all cultures. It's about you being    years old.

              God knew that your voice was gonna change when you were   .

              There's a reason why you gotta do your haftorah at this age. It's a challenge.

              God is challenging you. He's calling you a chump. So you gotta come back at him.

              So you gotta say, "Hey, hashem, you think You can scare me with a little, uh, biblical Hebrew...

              just 'cause my balls haven't dropped yet?''

              I'm serious. I'm serious. You gotta show Him what Alan Klein's made of.

              - How? - By sucking with style.

              Embrace the suckiness. Just say, "I love that I suck."

              - I love that I suck. - Good, but own it. Say it.

              - I love that I suck. - I love that I suck!

              - I love that I suck. - I love that I suck. Good. Good.

              - You play. I love that I suck. - I love that I suck.

              - Keep going with that. - I love that I suck.

              -Okay, good. I'll see you next week. Hello? -I love that I suck. I love that I suck.

              -Hello? -I love that I suck. I love that I suck. -You suck. You can do it.

              - Hey, Anna? - I thought I got the Tony Robbins hot line there by mistake.

              Sorry. I just was, uh, finishing up. How you doin'?

              - I called to see how the big date went. - That's so funny.

              I had an impulse to call you last night, and then I didn't  'cause I thought it'd be too late.

              You should have. I was stuck here barking at Los Angeles.

              - Really. - So, how'd it go?

              Um, mostly horrible, with a few brief moments of excruciating agony.

              - But at least it was long. - lam so sorry. What a waste.

              People should have to qualify to go out with you. You're too precious to be on the open market.

              - That's what I try to tell them. - See? They should listen to you.

              You're the best. You know that? If only you were Jewish.

              Yeah, well, nobody's perfect.

              So, what'd you wear?

              I'm not gonna tell you what I wore on my date. Why should I do that?

              I wanna get an image of a young rabbi on the prowl. What's your game, man?

              All right. Navy blue button-down shirt.

              Mmm. It's a good colour for your eyes.

              - Navy blue pinstripe suit. - I can picture that.

              Tasteful, yet with a quiet power.

              That's me. Chic but with a quiet power.

              Black, Kenneth Cole, leather.

              - Big. - Ow!

              Wanna hear about the special knot in my tie?

              Oh, baby, no. We gotta save room for dessert.

              - Don't give up hope. Okay? - I'll keep it alive.

              That's right. Goodbye, Mr Sharp-Dressed Man.

              Ah, nice.

              I have a friend here I thought you might want to see.

              Will you now please turn to page     for "Ein Keloheinu"?

              I'm sorry, Raphae. Just hang on one second here.

              Guys, I gotta just say this before we do this again...

              because it's really been bothering me.

              "Ein Keloheinu. " It's a joyous song.

              It's a prayer about praising the Lord...

              telling the Lord how much we love Him, or Her.

              But no matter what I do, I can't seem to be able to get you folks to sing it with any feeling.

              I mean, I brought in the band. That didn't work.

              I brought in my bongos last week.

              I think we can all agree that was a backwards step.

              So this morning I've decided to bring in a little outside help.

              Maury, if you would.

              You can even sing along! Come on! Have a little fun with it!

              That's right! Get up! Get those butts out of those chairs! Come on!

              Up in the cheap seats!

              I can't hear you up there! Sing it out! Come on!

              Over   !

              Come on! All the young Jews!

              Hey! Congratulations! You were wonderful!

              - Great job! - Rabbi! Rabbi!

              This is my daughter. Isn't she lovely?

              This is astonishing. This is a shul.

              This is a house of worship. Do you know what my grandfather would do if he saw this?

              This is my daughter Ruthie. She's in college. She's going to be a physiotherapist.

              What a shaineh maidel you are. Look at this.

              Oh, Rabbi, you're so wonderful. You know my daughter Hillary.

              Mom, don't embarrass me. Hi.

              Jake, Bonnie Rose. I don't think you've met my daughter Rachel.

              - Hi, Jake. - Oh! Hi.

              This is exciting. We don't get a lot of celebrities in here.

              One time, once, when I was really young, we had, uh-- Bella Abzug showed up for a bris, but that was--

              Well, I've heard so much about you, I had to come and see for myself.

              - The service was wonderful. - Oh--

              You were really, really wonderful.

              Well, we're all certainly aware of your successes.

              You know, she just moved to network prime time.

              Ooh, look at that. We got in a live feed.

              - Well, my mom does all my PR. - I know what you mean. Mine too.

              No, I mean really. My mother's firm does all my PR.

              -Jake, I'm at PMK. - Oh.

              - We got her special correspondent. - Great.

              You know, she just got back from interviewing Arafat.

              - Yassir? - In Arabic.

              - That's great. I didn't know that. -Jake, what you don't know is a lot.

              You two should get together.

              - Sure. - I'm free on Thursday.

              Thursday. That's-- That's fine-- That's great.

              - Okay. - Okay, great. Well, nice to see you, Bonnie.

              Rabbi. Wonderful.

              - This is Hillary-- - Oh! This is-- This is the man you were telling-- Right. Yes, sir.

              Well, I appreciate what you did for us in the war, I really do.

              - How upset are they? - Let's just say they're less than thrilled.

              -To be honest, we're less than thrilled. -Okay, with what, specifically?

              With what, specifically?

              Well, with guided meditation, specifically.

              With stand-up comedy sermons, specifically.

              With your loose, improvisational style, specifically.

              Okay, with people actually enjoying services? People-- People showing up at all?

              To be serenaded by the Harlem-freaking-Gospel Choir?

              - At least they were praying. - It was a hell of an "Ein Keloheinu, " Lar.

              - It's not kosher, Rabbi Lewis! - Larry, what does that mean?

              I have to tell you what kosher means? Study your gemara!

              I mean, is this you too? Do you feel the same way?

              It's not your ideas. Your ideas are very good.

              But sometimes you're a little aggressive in the execution.

              Yeah, but, Ben, come on! I mean, I mean, it was working!

              I know, I know, I know, I know.

              - You like to shake things up, and that's good. - When it works, yeah.

              But you have to appreciate the fact that a lot of people come here for a sense of continuity.

              It's not just the board. I-It's your congregation, Jake.

              Mrs-- Mrs Katz likes to sing the "Ein Keloheinu" the way she knows it.

              - Tradition is not old habit. - All right, I'm-- I'm--

              - No. It's comforting to people. - Okay, but I'm not interested i-in baby-sitting Mrs Katz.

              I-I wanna-- I wanna push people to grow and expand.

              - Otherwise, what are we doing? - I know, I know, I know.

              But you have to be patient with them.

              I think you'll get a-- you'll find that people will go a lot farther...

              if you-- if they feel they're being led and not pushed.

              Good for you, Anna. Oh, I'm so proud of you.

              No more of this "woman behind the man" shit.

              Half the men I know are completely unworthy of the opportunities they've had.

              You know, as a woman on your own, trying to make your mark...

              what do you do with that victory energy at the end of the day, you know?

              - I mean, don't you want someone to share it with? - Well, do what they do. Take lovers.

              - I've had more dates than Jake. - Mom.

              It's true.

              And when lovers bore, which they will, sublimate. I take classes.

              Me too. I'm addicted to it. What's your favourite?

              - Kabbalah. You? - Kickboxing.

              Oh, I used to take kickboxing, but I don't know, I found it too high-impact.

              So I take Tae-Bo now. It's doubled my energy. You really ought to try it.

              - Yeah. I need that high impact though. - Yeah, I know what you mean.

              - I take Native American drumming. - You take Tae-Bo?

              Oh, look at those pomegranates, huh?

              Oh, Our Lady's Bedstraw. The most poetic herb.

              All right, now over to you. Anybody new in your life I should know about?

              Wow,    minutes. I can't believe we made it this far.

              It's my God-given right to check. Now, what about that Shapiro girl?

              - Oh, no, not the Shapiro girl again, please. - Why? She was a looker.

              - That wasn't the problem. The problem was here. - What, bad skin?

              - No, not bad skin. - What?

              Okay, all right, you want an example? I take her out to dinner, I order dessert, she says she doesn't want any.

              So I get pecan pie. She asks me for a bite.

              I give her a bite. Her face swells up like a chipmunk.

              She looks at me and she goes, "Oh, my God, are there nuts in this?"

              - So what? - Mom, it was pecan pie.

              - Oh, there must be somebody for you. Come on. - Oh, no, I don't even want

              - Oh, come on. Tell her. - I don't want to talk about it.

              - He's got a very hot prospect. - Oh? Who? Who?

              Rachel Rose! Okay? Rachel Rose. That's who I'm going out with.

              - ABC Rachel Rose? - Yes, ABC Rachel Rose.

              Well, I think I could be in-laws with ABC Rachel Rose. Hmm? Peter Jennings would be at the wedding!

              Hey, hey, speaking of in-laws, Ethan and Jackie took me to see her mom's new play, and it was hilarious.

              - How is Ethan? - He's great. He just got a promotion.

              He's a vice president now.

              - They gave him Dad's old office. - Oh.

              How nice. I gotta hear this from you.

              - Hey, maybe if you called and congratulated him-- - I don't want to talk about it.

              - Mom, he would be so happy to hear from you. Just-- - Please, Jake, please.

              Don't spoil this, huh? I got you. I'm proud of you.

              I got this beautiful garden. I've reconnected with this great old friend.

              Let's just hold hands and breathe, hmm? Together.

              - You're not breathing, Jake. - I'm breathing.

              -I don't hear you breathing. -I don't breathe audibly, but I breathe.

              - Mm-hmm? - Whoo.

              All right, you know what? I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta go.

              - I've gotta go. Yes, I've gotta go. - I gotta go. Really gotta go. - All right, all right. Hi.

              - Why don't you just have that thing implanted in your ear? - Oh, I'll be top on the list.

              - Beep-beep! - Oh-- Oh. - Hello, young sir!

              - Hello, Radioman. - I feel like I'm in The Godfather. Look at you.

              Yeah, well, you know, I'm God's consigliere. You gotta go through me to get to Him, so I'm very popular.

              Oh, whoa. Children. Hey.

              I totally forget how amazing New York is.

              I know. You know, I think whoever said it, it was really true.

              The true New Yorkers understand that people living anywhere else must be, in some sense, kidding.

              - Can I ask you a question? - Yeah, obviously. Anything.

              It's personal, so--

              - Okay, wait a second. Are we gonna have the sex talk here? Is that what this is gonna be?

              You're my friend, and I wanna know how this works for you.

              - It's fine. Fire away. - Really? - "Really?"

              - No-- Okay. Okay. - Yeah, no, come on. Come on. I know you got a list.

              - Okay. - Okay.

              - Well, you don't, right? - No. Right.

              - At all. - At all.

              So, have you ever?

              - Yes! - Had sex? - Yes.

              - With women. - Yes. - So you're not gay?

              - Oh, no. No. - Are you sure?

              Yes, but even if I was, the rules are the same.

              - Okay. - Right.

              - Do you miss it? - No. - Are you tempted?

              - Oh, admit it. If they changed the rules, you'd be psyched. - I don't even think about it.

              - Do you fantasize? - I have dreams sometimes, but not really.

              - How is that possible? - What, specifically? - I've seen the way women look at you.

              - Even though they know you're a priest. Especially when they know, actually. - I'm not blind, okay?

              - Okay, so how do you deal with that? - It's not an issue for me.

              - It's really not. It's not-- - Really? - Yeah, I'm past that point. It's--

              I'm completely committed to what I do. I really am.

              To my work, to ministering to people. It defines me completely as a person.

              - A-And it fulfills me. You know? I'm very happy. - Hmm.

              And, and that, that particular sacrifice is-- It's a gesture. It's a symbol of my commitment.

              - That's quite a gesture. - Yeah, I know it seems that way.

              But, you know, I-- It's like when people quit smoking, and, and the first year is really tough...

              and then people can light up right in front of you and it doesn't even bother you.

              I quit smoking two years ago. When people smoke in front of me, I want to French-kiss them...

              just to suck the smoke out of their lungs, okay?

              - Well, don't be a priest. - I-- God!

              I really admire your commitment.

              - Well-- - I don't think I could take it.

              You've given up all kinds of things for what you do. You--

              Yeah, but there comes a point where I just crave contact.

              You know? Like, I-I wanna touch someone and be touched.

              Oh, you're amazing.

              - Thanks. - You're welcome.

              - Thus endeth the sex conversation? - Thus endeth.

              I bet no one ever asks the Dalai Lama these questions.

              You know what? Len, don't argue with me.

              Look, I have it right here in front of me, and it's not right.

              I'll be back in the office in an hour. Run it again.

              God, I hate these Harvard guys.

              Mmm! Rachel Rose.

              - Mmm. - Yeah. When's that going down?

              - Thursday. - Thursday night,  :   p.m., dinner.

              - Are you excited? - Yeah. I have a pretty good feeling.

              - Where are you taking her? - I don't know. I thought, uh, Ernie's.

              Ernie's? You can't take her to Ernie's. Ernie's has been around since we were kids.

              You might as well take her to Houlihan's. You cannot take Rachel Rose to Ernie's.

              - Definitely not Ernie's. Definitely not. Mm-mmm. Uh-oh. - No, you gotta take her

              - No, hot. Definitely hot. - Well, what's-- Okay, what's new and hot?

              - What do we know about this girl? - Rachel Rose,    years old, Columbia School of Journalism.

              - Middle East affairs expert. - Perfect. Middle Eastern.

              She can order in Arabic. Give her a chance to shine. What's a good place?

              Delphini's. Definitely Delphini's. Four stars, New York Times. Definitely Delphini's.

              - Need a reservation. Delphini's. - Now, are you gonna wear a suit, or are you gonna go cas'?

              I don't know. I don't know. I hadn't thought about it. I guess cas'.

              -No, suit. -No, suit. Definitely suit. Definitely--

              Hey, shut up, Rain Man. Seriously. Enough, all right?

              - Now you're making me think about this. - Oh, relax. You'll do great.

              Hey, what if you guys came with me?

              What, you wanna bring a priest to your first good date in two years? That-- What kind of a strategy is that?

              I don't want to bring a priest. I wanna bring my friend Brian and his girlfriend Anna.

              We could m-make it like a double date. Come on.

              Pretend you're a couple. What's wrong with that? What, are you busy? Huh?

              - You can bring your cell phone. You'll be totally connected the whole time. - I'm always busy.

              - That's not the point. - What's the point, then?

              - The point is, you're old enough to date without a chaperone. - Amen.

              I don't need a chaperone, I just need some help. Come on. Guys, please?

              I'm begging you.

              Yeah, that's the way the business is going. People want their news to have more of an edge.

              - That's why Brokaw stands now. - What?

              Tom Brokaw. He stands up when he reads the news.

              - The whole time? - Yeah.

              - He does? - Well, he's been doing it for about a year now.

              - Really? - Mm-hmm. - I gotta watch the news more.

              You know, I saw your saringas report. It was very powerful.

              Thanks. I really earned my stripes with that piece.

              Mmm. I earned my stripes by getting through a bris without fainting.

              - I talked Mc Donald's out of the Mc Oyster. - And a grateful nation thanks you.

              - Made me a star. - So, how long have you two been together?

              - Oh, right, uh-- - Oh, God, like-- Oh, we go way back.

              We've all known each other since we were kids, 'cause we grew up together.

              - I used to have a crush on Anna. - Really?

              - I told you that. - Did not! - She knew that.

              - No, you didn't. - Mm-hmm. - No, you didn't.

              - I-- - Well, anyway, we reconnected.

              A couple months ago, this was, and, and we just clicked. Uh, very unexpectedly, but--

              Oh, G-- I think it's so great to be friends first. Don't you?

              Always. Friends first.

              So, do you write your own reports, or how does that work?

              - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, yeah.

              - Well, I wouldn't trust anybody else to get 'em right, you know. - Right, right.

              - I mean, you write your own sermons, right? - Mmm.

              Actually, I download them off the net. There's this great service.

              - It's called - Really?

              Ow! Ooh. No.

              - No, I was kidding. - Oh. So you-- you do write your own sermons.

              - Yeah. Yeah. - He writes beautiful sermons.

              Thanks. Actually, I like to improvise a lot. You know, keeps everybody-- myself included-- on their toes.

              I-I-I guess you really can't do that too much with your job, with the news.

              - What? - Riff.

              Oh, mmm, no, not really.

              You know, I'll bet the Middle East is lovely this time of year, huh?

              Well, not if you're Kurdish.

              Excuse me.

              Oh, my God. The Iraqi defence minister just committed suicide.

              - Oh. - Ooh. - Is that bad or good?

              Well, i-- Brian, would you explain it to him?

              I will.

              - How do you think it's going? - She's really beautiful.

              - Sh-She's great too. - Yeah. - She's very adult.

              - Oh, y-you're doing great. We've been-- We've been totally impressed. - You look so hot in your suit.

              - Can I just tell you? - Thank you.

              - You look beautiful. - You do. You look amazing.

              - Thanks, men. - Yeah, there's something about you. I don't know what it is.

              - Tonight there's some special-- - An absence of something.

              - Of the cell phone. - Uh-uh-uh. It's set to vibrate.

              Oh, my-- Wow. That's sexy.

              - Did you ever just wanna be free of that thing? - No-- You don't understand.

              I-- I have a relationship with my phone.

              We have a chemistry together. I can't explain it.

              Yeah, well, chemistry's a funny thing.

              Yes, it is. Are you speaking abstractly or specifically?

              Well, looks like I'm going to Baghdad.

              Two seconds. Two seconds. So, it was a pleasure.

              - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Take care. - It was nice to meet you.

              - Yes. Good luck to both of you. - Thank you. - I'll talk to you soon.

              - Okay. All right. Okay. - Okay.

              - I'll-- I'll talk to you. - Okay. Okay, call me.

              - All right. Okay, thank you. - Okay. Call me soon.

              - Thanks again. - Okay. Bye. - Bye.

              What are you thinking about right now?

              Oh, it's funny. I was at the Met yesterday.

              - Again? - I go every week now. And I noticed this little painting.

              It was a watercolour by Bonnard, and I've probably passed it every single time...

              and I don't know why, but this time I looked at it.

              And I was just-- I was riveted. It was so beautiful.

              That's all. I was just wondering why I never saw it before.

              Well, I mean, sometimes...

              we don't see certain things till we're ready to see'em...

              in a certain way.

              You know?

              Very true.

              Hey, what's going on with Ruth and Ethan?

              Oh, uh--

              Ethan married a Catholic girl, and that did not go over well.

              - That's why they're fighting? - No, no, they're not fighting. They're not talking.

              Two years now, no comunicado.

              - Are you serious? - Totally. It's--

              What? Weren't they really close, though?

              - Oh, as close as Ruth and Jake. - Wow.

              - Well, that explains a lot. - Yeah. Yeah.

              I mean, you see why tonight is not just a date.

              I feel really terrible about having to cut the night short.

              - You know, if they-- - That's fine. I totally understand.

              - I mean, when the beeper beeps-- - You know, I'm just gonna be packing.

              Would you, um, like to come up for a nightcap?

              - Keep me company? - Uh, um--

              I would love to, but I think I should let you do your thing.

              - I mean, you gotta go to Baghdad. I mean-- - Yeah. Yeah.

              - So. - Long flight. I know.

              - Yeah. - It-- Well, okay.

              But when you get back, we should definitely get together.

              - I would love to. - Okay.

              - It's a date. - Okay. All right.

              - Bye. - Bye.

              - Well, this is me. - Okay.

              - You wanna come up for a while? - Oh.

              I would love to, but I really should get home, because I have a very early conference call.

              Me too. I mean, I gotta talk to the Big Guy.

              - Right. - He calls early.

              - Rain check, though. - Yeah. Definitely.

              - Definitely. - Okay. - Okay.

              Good night.

              - Good night. - Good night.

              - Hi. - Hi.

              What are you doing here?

              I don't know. What am I doing here?

              I haven't screamed that hard since the U.S. hockey team beat the Russians.

              You're incredible.

              I've been wanting to do that since the second you walked off that aeroplane.

              - Really? - Yeah.

              Right away? You hadn't seen me in    years.

              I know, and you were this, like, tough, sexy, straight-ahead businesswoman.

              I just wanted to pull you off into Security and give you a cavity search.

              Now that would have been impulsive.

              Yeah, well, this is pretty impulsive for me.

              - Believe me. - But good, though, right?

              Yeah, good, just, I mean, could get a little complicated. You know?

              Well, what would people at work think if they knew you were sleeping with a rabbi?

              Could be a scandal.

              - Listen. - Yeah.

              You know what my life is like.

              - I'm only here for a little while. - Yes.

              And I'm fine just hanging out having a great time with you.

              But sometimes I wanna jump you too. What can I say?

              Is that okay?

              Yeah, it's okay. It's more than okay.

              Think we should say anything to Brian?

              I-I think it might be a little weird for him.

              You don't think he'd understand?

              No, I just-- I don't know.

              I think we should just keep it simple.

              I'm for simple.

              I have something simple that I'd like to discuss with you.

              Do you wanna know

              If everythin' glitterin'

              Will turn into the gold

              I see in your hair

              Feel it could be there

              And do you wanna fight

              Somethin' worth savin'

              The change would do me right

              'Cause I've been just waitin'

              And hesitatin' with this heart

              You're still a mystery

              But there's somethin' so easy

              In how you're sweet to me

              I feel completed

              Like it's somethin' I needed for this heart

              There's always somethin' so tragic

              About a hopeless romantic

              We have a Jake Schram here for Anna Reilly.

              Yes? Okay.

              Hey, you know, I'm gonna be coming here a lot, so maybe in the future we don't have to do this whole name thing...

              and you could just say, "Hey, Jake," and I could say, "Hey, T-Bone."

              - That pass is good for one hour. - Okay. Thank you.

              Wednesday night, you have a due diligence call at  :  ...

              and a dinner at  :  .

              All right. I'm make the call, but cancel the dinner. I have a class.

              Oh, he's late.

              Oh, my God. Are you guys getting serious?

              - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Yes, you are.

              - No, we're not. - I saw it. I can tell.

              - No, no, no. - I-- - Oh, it's-- He's here.

              - Hey. - Hi.

              Uh, Debbie, this is Jake. Jake, vice versa.

              - Hi. - Hi. How you doing?

              Hi, Jake. Can I just say, um, good-- good for you.

              - Thank you. - You're welcome.

              - Uh, Debbie? - Debbie, Debbie, Deb-- What?

              - Oh! Th-- Um, the numbers are good for you, yeah? - Good.

              Good. Just run one more scenario and assume an eight-percent I RR and PV it to present day.

              - Hi. - Wow, you're really gonna run an eight-percent I RR...

              'cause I'd go with a fifteen percent at least.

              Stick with the Torah.

              Look at this place. This is ridiculous.

              This is so impressive. Wow.

              - Hi again. - Hey. - Hey.

              - Can we close your Levolor blinds and-- - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

              - What? - I want to show you something. Remember that guy I told you about?

              - Um, the guy, the guy-- Oh, that guy. - Mr   rd Floor.

              - Yes. - Check it out.

              - All right. - Right there, with the huge ficus plant.

              I doubt anything interesting will be going on now...

              - Trust me. - but if you want me to look at--

              Whoa! Holy majoly!

              Told ya.

              Does he have music on in there? Huh?

              He's, like, porn-slapping her.

              - We should go now. - Ooh.

              He has a healthy self-confidence. I can tell from his posturing.

              - Ready? Let's go. - I can-- Hang on one second. I'm learning something here.

              - I'm learning-- - We're gonna be late.

              You're gonna be-- You're gonna benefit from this.

              I can't Wednesday night. I have a class.

              Okay, what are these classes already?

              I just try new things sometimes. I don't want to talk about it. I get embarrassed.

              You shouldn't be embarrassed. A lot of people take aikido.

              - Nope. - Line dancing.

              - Not even close. - Why-- What is the big deal?

              - Why can't I know? -Jake.

              - Feng shui? - No.

              You shouldn't be embarrassed if it's feng shui. Okay.

              You know what? Don't tell me. I don't even need to know, 'cause I like the little misterioso quality.

              - It's very sexy. It turns me on. - That's very good.

              - Yeah. - All right, I gotta pee.

              Hold on a second. I wanna tell you something. Listen.

              Hold that thought.

              - Look who's here! - Hey!

              - Look who's here! - Hey! - Hey, Rabbi!

              Ho-- Holy. How you doin'?

              - Larry. - Larry, Ellen... - Yeah.

              What the-- What the-- What are you doin' here?

              What do you think? We're buying a turkey. No, no, we're seeing a movie.

              - That's what we're doing. - Are you alone?

              No. I mean-- I mean, I'm with an old friend.

         has been trying to get you to take her daughter out for months, huh?

          Let me tell you, it wouldn't hurt to call her, because her family is very wealthy.

          - Although she's no Rachel Rose. - I know, but they could contribute to the senior centre.

          I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna call her, but right now I'm taking a little break from the dating and the whole--

          - Why? - It's a little bit too much-- Whoa! - If this isn't too--

          - Whoa! - Look at-- - What the heck is-- This is--

          - Hi. How are you? - We were just talking about Rachel.

          Well, naturally. Did you all come together?

          - No, no, no, no, no, no. - No.

          We-- We just-- We just-- This-- This is why I love New York.

          - Yeah, it's true. - Well, these are my movie girls.

          - Hi. - Hi. - This is Roz and Chaya Lentz.

          - Yes. Hi. - We're gonna see that Garcia picture. Andy Garcia.

          - We are. - Oh, so are we. - Oh.

          - Hi, Rabbi. - You know, my daughter's been back from Libya like a week.

          - Right. - Yeah, she told me that she called you a couple of times.

           - Yeah, we've been-- we've been trying to call-- - She's very disappointed...

            - We-- We-- - not to connect up with you. - I know. I'm sorry.

            - It's-- - Hey. - It's been-- Hey, how you doin'?

            - Perfect. Great. Um-- - This is your friend?

            This is it. This is my buddy, um--

            This is my buddy, Anna. These are people--

            This is Larry Friedman. He's the president of the synagogue.

            - And his wife. - I've heard so much about you. - Hi. How are you?

            - I'm good. Thank you. - And Ellen.

            - Hi. - Hello! - Nice to meet you.

            - Pleasure. - Hi. - and the Luntzes?

            - Lentzes. - Lentzes. - Hi.

            - And all of these people are all members of the congregation. - Got it.

            - I don't think I got your last name. - Reilly.

            - Um-- - Reilly?

            We, Anna and I and Father Brian, as children, used to play.

            - Isn't that nice? - What movie are you seeing, Rabbi?

            - We're gonna-- We're gonna see the I MAX-- - Andy Garcia.

            - He's in that, right? - No, I don't think so.

            - Well, maybe we should go. - We're going to the same one. Let's go.

            Anyway. I thought he was in that.

            Where are the paper towels?

            There are no paper towels.

            Jesus Christ, lam in a crisis here! I need some help!

            I need someone that can look around the house...

            and when there are no paper towels, they go to the god dam store and buy some paper towels!

            I mean, how many god dam stores do you pass on the way home from school...

            - that are filled with paper towels? - You okay?

            - Yeah. - I need someone to use a little common sense around here!

            Why don't you get somebody else?

            - Okay, what? - If we were actually going out, I'd be very pissed off at you right now.

            Yes, well, if we were actually going out, I'd say that...

            that was a very scary situation for me, and you just made it worse.

            Well, then I would say that is no excuse for what just went on in there.

            Well, I'd say, "I'm sorry. Too bad. That's the way it is, and you have to deal with it."

            - Well, then I would say that you-- that was absolutely-- - What? What would you say? What?

            Come on. Bring it! Bring the pain!

            Say it. Say it all.

            - You wanna-- - I guess it's a good thing we're not going out, then.

            - Thank God. - Thank God.

            - I wasn't really mad. Were you? - No, but you're still gonna get a spanking.

            - You're in such good shape. I mean-- - Are you all right?

            Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Oh, God.

            No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You gotta stretch.

            - I can't-- No. - You gotta stretch, or you're gonna tighten up. I'm telling you.

            - Ow! - Does that hurt?

            - No, it feels good. - Okay.

            Harder. Harder.

            Okay. That's enough.

            You're such a wimp.

            Hi, this is Anna. Only three people have this number, so if you're not one of them, leave me alone.

            Hey, it's me. Are you there?

            Hello? Pick up the phone.

            Probably still at work. It's not that important.

            I was just thinking about you.

            Thought maybe we could do dinner this week, you know, just you and me?

            This is Brian, by the way, in case you were wondering.

            You know where to find me.

            Call me, okay? Bye.

            - What? - I gotta go now. I gotta go.

            What? No, no, no. Can't-- Just give me    minutes. Come on.

            - Twenty minutes? - Okay.

            - I'm late. This is becoming a bad habit. - Fifteen minutes.

            - I have-- - Well,    /  minutes. Please?

            - I have to go back to the mines. - We all have to go back to the mines.

            - Don't you have work to do? - I do.

            We're doing a hostile takeover of Congregation Bertov Sholem.

            - Okay. - And-- - You do that.

            - Okay, I'll do that. - I'm officially going now. - Okay. Oh, whoops.

            - Okay. - Okay-- Oh.

            - Oh-- - Toll booth. Ding-dong.

            - Time to pay the toll. - Okay.

            - There. - Oh-- - I paid.

            God was showing off when He made you.

            Okay, go.

            But you'll be back. They all come back.

            Ah, yes, they all come back.

            Sooner or later, they all-- Ooh.

            - Hi. How are you? - I'm good.

            - How you doin'? - What's up, my man?

            What are you-- What are you-- What are you doing here?

            - I wanna get the karaoke machine. Am I interrupting something? - Yeah, I got a blonde in the back.

            - Come on. Let's go. - Right now? - Yeah, yeah. Come on.

            - Okay, okay, okay. - We got the money. I mean, why wait? - Come in for a second.

            - Come in for a second. - No, no, no. Come on. I wanna go. The place closes in, like,    minutes.

            - Okay, come in for one second. Come in for one second. - Well, wait, wait, wait--

            Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Hey. A.D.D. boy. Right here.

            You wanna get it, let's get it, but be with me when we get it.

            - Stay focused. - I'm with you, man. - Okay.

            - Okay. - Okay.

            Test. Test. Sibilance. Sibilance.

            I'm the king of rock. There ain't none higher.

             - Suck-- This doesn't work. - Well, guy's in the back.

              - Sucka-- - I can't find him.

              Hey, listen. The contractor wants to do a walk-through on-- on Tuesday next week.

              - Can you do that? - Mm, Tuesday.

              We have to, like, "punch up" or "punch out" or something.

              I didn't understand the terms. I just-- I just said okay.

              No, Tuesday's not good for me. I gotta mourn with the Schwartzes.

              Oh. Hmm. What about Thursday night? I think they can do Thursday night.

              - What you got? - Uh-- I-- I just-- I can't do that. I got a thing.

              Well, can you cancel it?  'Cause we're, like, getting really behind schedule here.

              - They're-- They're gettin' very irritable, and the-- - No. It's just this--

              It's just this thing. Anna wants me to take her to this office party deal.

              - I don't know what it is. - Really?

              Is it like-- like, uh, something-- big thing or something?

              - No. No, no, no. Just she needs someone to, you know go with her. - Oh.

              Yeah, no, 'cause she-- I mean, she-- she didn't even mention that to me, so I was--

              Nah, it's not a-- It's a-- Whatever.

              Jesse is a friend

              And he's always been a good friend of mine

              But lately something changed that ain't hard to define

              Jesse's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine

              And she's watching him with those eyes

              And she's loving him with that body of hers, I just know it

              You know that I want Jesse's girl

              -Jesse's girl - How you guys doing? I'm Don.

              - Don? - Don. Rhyme with flan.

              - Hey. Brian. - Flan? - Yes. You have any question?

              Yes, yes, indeed, Don, we do. Um, is this-- is this a good machine?

              Yeah, it's good, if you're a cheap bastard.

              No, just-- Just doing comedy with you.

              That one is okay, but if you really serious about karaoke--

              - Oh, we are. - Okay.

              Then there only one model for you.

              The Audio     .

              This baby got the   -bit dual D.A. converter...

              three-beam tracking, digital key controller...

              so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks, but I don't need that.

              - That's nice. How much? - Price is not important.

              - No, price is very important, actually. - Okay.

              You got me. Take me away. Okay.

              It's a little bit expensive, but let me tell you, it's worth it.

              - When you sing to your girlfriend... - Uh-huh.

              and her heart-- Shoo! Boom!-- fall down on the floor...

              then you say, "Thank you, Don!"

              Okay, how much does it cost exactly?

              All right. Here's the real deal, okay?

              Um, I don't usually do this, but you guys look like cool guys...

              and, uh, I got a little piece of ass last night, so I'm feeling extra generous.

              - Oh. - I'm gonna let you guys have it for   ,   .

              - Thirteen hundred? - Final offer.

              - Oh. Excuse me. I just got a-- I got a little warm there. - Yeah.

              - My friend, he gets-- he gets a little warm. - Yeah.

              Aw, man!

              What is that? What is th-- Get outta here with that!

              - Is that real? - Oh, yeah.

              Trust me, they'll love you. These guys are fascinated by anyone who can survive on less that a hundred grand a year.

              All right, okay. I feel ready for this.

              You wanna give me some special business terms so I sound like I know what I'm talking about?

              - Standard B.S.C. deal. - What does that mean?

              - Booze, schmooze and cruise, dude. - Ah.

              Wait. How do I look?

              - You look incredible. - Do I have anything in my teeth?

              Uh, let me see. No.

              - You look perfect. - Thank you. You ready for this, Rabbi?

              - Not at all. - Oh. - Let's do it anyway.

              What you think

              What you feel now

              What you know

              - To be real - Hey, Anna, come here.

              We're doing shots. You gotta do-- Hey, I'm sorry. Just gotta borrow her for one second.

              All right. You think you can talk. This woman can talk.

              - Oh, Len. - No, you know you can, Anna.

              - What you know - Thank you.

              To be real

              See? That's the guy's problem, right? He's afraid to drive.

              If the guy would just go down the middle with some, you know, like Sprewell.

              - Same thing. Hey. - Excuse me, Rabbi.

              I'm sorry to interrupt, but there's a question of Talmudic precedent that requires your immediate attention.

              - Ah, excuse me. - My love is your love

              - Our love is here to stay - Very good. - Charming.

              Talmudic. Where'd you learn that?

              - Look at the city. - What you think - I think I love you

              What you feel now

              I feel I need you

              Do you think Len was a Ritalin child?

              - He still is. - Those guys love you.

              Hmm. They love me  'cause I bust their balls.

              No, no, no. I mean, they really respect you.

              It's amazing. You should be running that company.

              - Actually, they want me to. - What do you mean?

              Um, they want-- asked me to run the high tech group back in San Francisco.

              - Anna. Are you serious? - Mm-hmm.

              - That's-- - I kind of knew it was coming.

              I mean, who else were they gonna give it to?

              Listen to you. You're like-- That's incredible.

              Yeah? Well, if you think I had no life before, I mean, I'll disappear.

              Yes, but this is-- this is everything you've worked for, right?

              - I'm so proud of you. I'm so happy for you. - Really?

              - Yeah, of course, really. - Well...

              here's the thing, Jake.

              I've been thinking about it, and, um...

              I'm excited, but I'm not as excited as I am about you and me...

              and so I don't think I wanna go, because I wanna be near you.

              So I thought I'd put in for a transfer and stay here.

              What do you think?

              Um, that's...

              - Um-- - It is? - Yeah.

              Are you sure that that is the best thing?

              - Oh, I-- - For-- For you?

              Oh. I don't know. I--

              - I thought you'd be excited. - No. No, no, no. I am. I'm just-- I'm just--

              I-- I'm sorry. I thought-- Am I off base here?

              - Sorry. - No, you're not.

              It was just an impulse. It's totally fine.

              - Okay, 'cause I-- - It's totally fine. Really.

              - I thought that we-- - No, I know. I--

              I think that tequila shot made me a little giddy.

              - Should we go somewhere and talk about this? - No, no, no, no.

              - Let's get outta here. - No, no, no. No, no. - Let's go talk about it.

              No, no, no. No, no, no. It's totally great. It's so fine.

              I'm having a great time. Let's just have fun, okay?

              - Ooh. - No, I don't-- Oh.

              - Whoo! Let's go dance. - Playin' in a rock and roll band

              I never had no problems, yeah

              Burnin 'down the one-nightstands

              And everything around me, yeah

              - Amen. - Amen.

              - Oh, my! - Sicko. Sicko.

              I can't laugh. My spleen hurts. I'm so full.

              H-How did you stay such a skinny kid in this household with you cooking like this?

              He was always blessed. He got my genes.

              Ethan, on the other hand, that's another story. When he was a kid, he was such a little chub.

              He actually had to miss school one day because he couldn't fit into any of his pants.

              - You're joking. - No, it's the truth. He had to call in fat.

              Mom, he never called in fat. Come on. Give the guy a break.

              He looks so good these days. You should see him.

              He's been working out with a trainer. Jackie's got him on this-- this regimen.

              I mean, he looks very trim and slim. He looks good.

              He's looking very trim because she don't know how to cook.

              She's a good cook. You might find that out if you ever tried some of her food.

              I don't wanna talk about this any more. Get it?

              I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

              - What were we talking about? - The meal was so good.

              This was so good. Thank you.

              - Hear! Hear! As always. - All right. Yep.

              Somebody's gotta feed all these skinny people in the world.

              Okay, now you guys get the dishes, and the ladies will talk.

              Jake, put on some water for tea, will you?

              It's like a fairy tale, these flowers framing you.

              That's called a chuppah.

              Oh, my God. You look so beautiful together.

              Please. We were so young. We were kids.

              As much grief as I give Jake, I think you're all doing it the right way.

              It takes at least ten years to get to know yourself well enough to stop being a total idiot.

              It's hard enough without binding yourself to another total idiot.

              Well, what's scary is, when you spend those ten years...

              going after the things you thought were important...

              get those things, and then feel a sneaking suspicion that you went after the wrong things...

              and that where the important things are concerned...

              you're still a total idiot.

              - Can I ask you a question? - Mm-hmm.

              Is my son a good kisser?

              You're in a very good mood.

              I'm usually in a good mood.

              But you're in a particularly good mood right now.

              Okay, yes. Yes, I am.

              I'm in a-- a very good mood.

              Okay. Do you wanna share anything?

              Not quite yet. Maybe soon, though.

              - Really? - Yeah. - Soon?

              - Mm-hmm. - Okay.

              - Well, you let me know, okay? - I will. I will.

              I'll be looking out for that.

              - No, that's what she said-- That's what-- - Ridiculous.

              - I'm so sorry. -Jesus, what happened?

              Girl talk. We're fine.

              I didn't go into explicit detail, but she knows we weren't holding hands.

              God! I can't believe you did that. We agreed this was between us.

              Jake, I didn't tell her. She figured it out on her own.

              - Well, did you at least try to deny it? - Come on, Jake. She knew!

              Oh. No wonder she was crying.

              You know, I was crying too, all right?

              We had a very nice talk about it, to be honest with you.

              Yes, she was upset, but she was not angry.

              - Yeah, no, that's the face she put on for you. - I don't think so.

              I know, okay? All right?

              I mean, trust me. You have no idea the nightmare that I'm in for now.

              All right, you know what? This is not a nightmare, okay? So stop it.

              Hey, look at me.

              Look at me.

              - I am in love with you, Jake. - Yeah, I love you too.

              No, you are in love with me, you jerk.

              You just won't say it because you're scared of what it involves.

              - Yes, I am. - Yeah, me too.

              But I'm dealing with it because I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I have for you...

              and I want to see if I can work it out.

              - Great. How do I work it out? - Okay.

              Let's just take it from the top.

              Don't talk to me about your mother or your brother or your synagogue.

              Just you. What do you need to work it out?

              Those things are me. Do you understand that? I can't separate them out.

              I mean, it might be hard for you to accept, but the fact that you're not Jewish is a real problem for me.

              I don't think so.

              Okay, okay, okay. A-All I'm saying, Jake...

              is I think you should be honest with yourself.

              Because I think if it was just up to you...

              you would stick with this and see where this relationship is going...

              but it's a problem for you because you assume that all the people in your life can't deal with that.

              - No, they can't. - Well, give them a little credit, Jake.

              - It's the   st century. - "The   st century"?

              What the hell does the   st century have to do with anything?

              This is you and me, right? I thought we were supposed to be just having a good time, keep it simple.

              - Well, that's my point. I'm having fun. - I'm having fun too.

              This is a lot of fun. Whoo! Fun!

              Well, exactly. So why throw it away?

              Look, maybe you're right, but can't you see that you're asking me...

              to risk losing everything that's important to me...

              just to see if we work?

              I mean, I love you, but-- but-- but--

              we're so different in so many ways that have nothing to do with whether or not you're Jewish.

              - What are you saying? - I'm saying we have totally different priorities.

              Look at your life.

              I don't think there's room in it for what I've spiritually committed to.

              That is so unfair.

              Your faith is a huge part of what I love about you...

              but you have to have some patience for the fact...

              that it doesn't come as easily for most people as it does for you.

              And you know what? You are never going to find the kind of relationship that I know you want...

              and you are never going to be the kind of spiritual leader that you could be...

              until you learn to put a little faith in other people.

              I'm not saying, "Let's get married."

              All I'm saying is that I am in love with you, and I want to give it a real shot.

              That's all I'm saying.

              I don't know what to say.

              How about "I've been waiting for someone like you my whole life, and I'm not gonna let you go"?

              I'm sorry.

              You think you're sorry now. Wait till you realize I just went out that door and I'm not coming back.

              This is my apartment. You get out.

              This is for you. Who's calling at this hour? This is barbaric.

              - I don't know. I'm sorry. - I was dreaming about my mother's sausages.

              - Hello? - Brian?

              Hey, what's wrong?

              I need to talk to you. Can you come over? Please?

              Look-- Don't move, okay? I'll be right over.

              No, I'll be right there. Okay.

              - Hi. - Are you okay?

              - I came running right over. - I'm sorry.

              I didn't mean to call you so late.

              No, it's fine, it's fine. Don't worry about it. What-- What's going on? What's wrong?

              - Everything. - What do you mean?

              - Me! - What do you mean, you?

              - You-- You're perfect. - I-I am a loser!

              You're a world-beater. What are you talking about?

              - I am a workaholic. - No, you're not. You--

              Okay, yes, you are, you are, but you're our workaholic, and we're very proud of you.

              - So-- - Brian?

              - What? - You're my friend...

              and if I ask you something, you'll answer me honestly, right?

              Of course I will. You know I will.

              When you look at me, when you look at my life...

              do you say to yourself, "Now there's a girl whose values are all out of whack"?

              No, and certainly not in that voice.

              - Have I got no spirit? - What?

              I don't mean "spirit." I know I'm fun to hang out with.

              But, I mean, does my life seem shallow to you?

              - Am I spiritually empty? - No.

              Are you-- Are you crazy?

              You've got-- You've got more spirit in you than half the goofballs running around in robes out there.

              What-- You're a natural. You radiate. What--

              Trust me. What-- What's going on here? What's this really about?

              I don't even know where to begin, Brian.

              You're my best friend, and I have been keeping all this stuff from you.

              All these feelings.

              And, um, now, something has happened, and I can't keep it from you any more. I feel bad.

              - No, it's okay. I understand. - No, it's not okay.

              I have some things I have to tell you, and I feel bad.

              I know, me too, me too. I have things I gotta tell you too.

              - But mine are big. - No. - Mine are really bad...

              - No. - and I think I need to get it off because--

              - Okay. It's okay. - Oh, please, just listen. I don't--

              - I love you too. - What?

              I love you. That's what you're trying to say, but you're scared because it's me, and so I'm gonna say it first.

              - Br-Brian, um-- - No, it's okay. Trust me.

              - Oh, Brian. - Trust me, trust me.

              - We can't fight it. It's too strong. - What?

              It's okay.

              No, Brian, I can't!

              It's the vows, isn't it?

              It's the vows. They make you feel guilty.

              I can't believe it. God, I should have never had that sex talk with you on the bridge that day.

              - I knew it. - No. - I knew it.

              In the back of my head was this little voice saying, "Don't go there. She's--"

              - Brian, you don't understand. - You wanna know something?

              Right now, first time ever, I feel jealous of Jake.

              I envy him, you know, 'cause this would be so easy if I was him.

              - Brian-- - I picked the wrong gig.

              - Brian, let me talk to you. - Come on, come on. Admit it.

              If I wasn't a priest, if I was a rabbi, you could fall in love with me without this guilt.

              - Listen to me! - What?

              I'm in love with a rabbi.

              - Sorry? - I'm in love with Jake.

              That's what I was trying to tell you.

              I'm-- I'm stunned. I mean, I'm-- I'm-- I'm stunned.

              I'm-- I'm-- I'm paralyzed. What--

              Excuse me. My mouth just went all dry. I--

              I can't believe this.

              When-- When did this-- this happen?

              - We've been together since July. -July? Oh!

              Ah. July.

              We knew we should have told you, but we just weren't sure how you'd react...

              and we thought it would be the better choice.

              No, no, no. I'm-- I'm glad you saved it, 'cause it's definitely less weird for me now.

              Brian, could--

              Brian! Come on. Let's just talk about this. You don't drink.

              Excuse me, but I think in light of recent revelations...

              neither of us is in a position to say what the other one does or does not do with much authority.

              Wouldn't you say? Oh, God!

              You must think I'm such an idiot.

              - No, Brian. - No, no, no. I mean...

              I think I'm an idiot.

              I mean, all these moments with you.

              You know, I've been walking around on a cloud and...

              it's just been reflected glow off of you and Jake.

              That's not true.

              I'm so embarrassed. I--

              God, talk about a bad case of the third wheel.

              - Oh, Brian. - It's like I'm on some...

              bad new Aaron Spelling show.

              - Melrose Priest. - No.

              I don't-- I don't get this, you know? Why-- Why now?

              Why tell me like this, after months and months of lying?

              Why call me over in the middle of the night and cry to me and--

              He broke up with you, didn't he?

              That moron broke up with you, and you called your old friend the priest.

              - Well, I-- - No, no, it makes total sense.

              It's just...

              tonight I really didn't want to be one.

              Oh, Brian.

              Yes. Yeah, I've heard about that.

              And my grandfather and my father were both mohels.

              Excuse me, folks. Folks, I'd like to make a toast to the--

              Rabbi Jacob Schram? Rabbi Jacob Schram?

              Oh, Rabbi Jacob Schram. Oh.

              - Hello. - Excuse me.

              - May I help you? - Yes, you may, may you. I am Father Brian Finn.

              I'm looking for my old friend, Rabbi Jacob Schram.

              - And there he is. - Brian, what's going on?

              Looking smart and breaking hearts as always.

              - Brian, what are you doing here? - Don't smile at me.

              Okay? 'Cause I'm on to you, and I'm in no mood.

              - What's going on here? - Yeah, your jig is so up.

              - Yeah, you're drunk. - I'm not drunk.

              - You're drunk. - I'm not drunk. I'm Irish. - You're very--

              I'm Irish. This is milk to me, baby.

              - What the hell is going on here? - Milk.

              - It's okay. - It's not okay.

              My best friend has been lying to me for months.

              And he stole my girlfriend on top of it. You wanna explain this?

              - Come here. - No, no, no, no, no. - Did I miss something?

              - Hey, hey, hey! - Did they change the rules?

              Take your hands off of me!

              - What? - Give me that. Give me that!

              - I can't believe you. - You know, you better not lie in here, man.

              This is-- This is the big room. God does not look favorably on it.

              - He has a tendency to throw lightning bolts and things... - All right.

              - at liars! - All right, how did you find out?

              "How'd you find out? How--" Is that the best you can do?

              - How do you think? - Oh, she told you.

              Yeah, when she was crying on my shoulder.

              What did you expect?

              You know, did you think she was just gonna, like, take it on the chin for you...

              after the way you treated her?

              - Oh, hey, hey, wait a minute. - No, you listen to me.

              Anna is very special, okay? She's not like other girls.

              And you said some things to her that I resent on her behalf.

              You can't-- You can't just write her off like one of your dates, Jake.

              - I won't let you do it. - Brian, I'm in love with her!

              Okay? I'm sorry that you found out about it this way.

              It sucks, but the fact is that we have to work it out together.

              - It's between me and her. - No, it was between you and her.

              And then you mucked things up, and now it's between you and me.

              - Why is it between you and me? - Because I love her.

              I know you love her. I love her too.

              No. I'm in love with her.

              - What? - Yeah, it came as quite a shock to her too, believe me.

              You're in love with her?

              I-- It's just-- I mean, she's like your sister, Brian. It's--

              Yes, thank you for adding new depth to my confusion.

              Damn it, Jake, you have a whole city full of women, you know, at your feet.

              You could go out with anyone you want to.

              Why did you have to go and hone in on the first woman I've ever had any real romantic feeling for?

              Oh! Wait a minute! Listen to what you're saying.

              You're telling me that I should have been sensitive to the possibility...

              that a Catholic priest had a crush on my secret girlfriend.

              So what? So what? You know how much I care about her, and you could have guessed it would end up this way.

              - I mean, you know yourself. - I know myself? What does that mean?

              You're always trying to have these casual flings and relationships...

              and it never works because the women always fall in love with you...

              -'cause you're so smart and funny and cute and yada-yada... - What are-- Hey. Hey! Hey!

              - and you know it! - Hey, don't put this all on me.

              Why? Why? You could have had a fling with anybody, Jake.

              - Why did you have to pull Anna into your bed? - I didn't pull her into my bed.

              I don't want to hear that. I don't believe that.

              Sorry. It's the truth. She's a woman. She's not the Virgin Mary!

              Um, let me get this straight.

              I am talking to a priest...

              who went on a bender because his best friend, a rabbi...

              stole his girl.

              Thank you.

              I want to thank you for telling me this story.

              - Why? - Because now I can retire.

              You have to give me advice. That's what this is supposed to be about.

              Oh, God. What do I know?

              I'm a ha If Punjabi Sikh...

              one-quarter Tamil separatist.

              My sister's married to a Jewish doctor from New Jersey...

              and our other grandmother...

              was an Irish nun who left me this bar, which is a very long story.

              You're a Sikh Catholic Muslim with Jewish in-laws?

              Yes. Yes.

              It gets very complicated.

              I'm reading Dianetics.

              I don't blame you.

              I thank you for listening to me.

              I feel like I should ask you for my penance.

              I don't do penance. I do shots.

              I'll tell you what I know.

              May those who love us love us.

              And those who don't love us...

              may God turn their hearts.

              And if He cannot turn their hearts...

              may He turn their ankles...

              so that we may know them by their limping.

              I'll tell you why l

              Don't wanna know where you are

              I got a joke I been

              Dying to tell you

              A silent kidis looking

              Down the barrel

              To make the noise that I kept so quiet

              Kept it from you, pitseleh

              Anna? Anna?

              - Hmm. - I'm not what's missing

              From your life now

              I could never be the puzzle pieces

              They say that God makes problems

              Just to see what you can stand

              Before you do as the devil pleases

              Give up the thing you love

              Hey, Brian. It's me again.

              Please call me, okay, Finn?

              Brian, call Anna. Please to call.

              Seriously. I really wanna talk to you, okay? Bye.

              I remember I fell in love with this girl in Prague.

              Was in     .

              She was beautiful. She looked like Carole Lombard.

              She grabbed me. It was in the alley behind my church.

              She pressed me against the wall. She kissed me.

              I felt like Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds, you know...

              in the barn with Maggie.

              I was so happy I could die.

              You've never told me this. What-- Did anything happen between you?

              Not really.

              Flirtations, little moments...

              but then soon after the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia...

              and I moved to the United States.

              I don't know. I'll tell you something.

              If she had kissed me back...

              I don't think I'd be sitting here right now.

              I would have given it all up.

              I mean, she didn't, but--

              I don't know. I just-- I keep thinking about what you said in the seminary...

              about how, you know, the life of a priest is hard...

              and if-- and if you can see yourself being happy doing anything else...

              you should do that.

              Well-- Well, that was my recruitment pitch...

              which is not bad when you are starting out...

              because makes you feel like, like a marine.

              The truth is...

              you can never tell yourself that there is only one thing you could be.

              If you're a priest or if you marry a woman...

              it's the same challenge.

              You cannot make a real commitment...

              unless you accept that it's a choice...

              that you keep making again and again and again.

              I've been a priest over    years...

              and I fell in love at least once every decade.

              You're not gonna tell me what to do here, are you?

              No. God will give you your answer.

              - Hey. - How you doin'?

              Well, what's up?

              - Well, I know you're probably still mad at me-- - "Probably"?

              No, I'm definitely, definitely still mad, you know?

              - Okay-- - I hope you didn't think you were just gonna stroll over here...

              after a couple of weeks and find me in a good mood or something.

              No. I just said, "I know you're probably still mad at me."

              Yeah, well, what do you expect, you know?

              I mean-- I mean, you should have just told me.

              You should have just told me,  'cause I'd have said, "No," and I'd have been jealous...

              and told you it was gonna muck everything up, but at least we'd still have been friends.

              We're still friends. Jesus, I hope we're still friends.

              We-Well, friends don't lie to each other...

              - and set each other up to be humiliated like that, Jake. - All right.

              All right. Well, that's why I'm here.

              That's why I wanted to, uh, apologize, if you let me talk for a second.

              Well, uh, I wanna talk, you know? I-I've got all these things on my mind.

              - Okay. - I wanna vent a little. - So talk!

              - Let me vent. - Vent!

              Come on. Vent. Go ahead. Vent.

              Well, now I lost my momentum. So, so go ahead.

              S-- Well, say-- What do you wanna say? What?

              I wanted to say that I think I handled things really badly and I'm sorry.

              You're my best friend, and would you please forgive me?

              - That was very simple and direct. - Thank you.

              You know, you're lucky I am a priest...

              'cause forgiveness kind of comes with the job description.

              Well, you're a good priest.

              I got something for you.

              I almost didn't 'cause I was so mad at you, but this was too good.

              Holy shit. That's the Rabbi Schlomo Schnurson rookie card.

              - This is like the last of the series. - I know. You've been talking about this card for, like,    years.

              - It's in such good condition too. - Yeah, it's mint.

              - This is like-- - Mint. I had to get it.

              Thank you.

              Well, you're welcome.

              You know, look. As pissed off as I was, the weird thing is...

              I-I'm very sorry I didn't get to see you two together, you know?

              I think that would have made me really happy in some weird way.

              - So, have you talked to her? - No, no.

              I mean, things are really strange between us now. I--

              What about you? Are you guys talkin'? Are you workin' this out or anything?

              No. No.

              But that's kind of offset by the fact that I'm about to lose my job.

              - You serious? - Uh-huh.

              Whew. What a mess. I'm sorry.

              Man, I was really starting to think I had a few things figured out there.

              Yeah, me too.

              What happened?

              Excuse me if I say that I don't think I'm the person...

              to offer objective advice on this particular confession.

              You don't have to say anything, okay? Just listen to me.

              I just want to say one thing, and then I will go away.

              You're my friend...

              and whatever else is going on...

              I can't have you out there thinking that my feelings for you...

              are tied in to my feelings for Jake.

              That's not the problem, and you know it.

              I thought you wanted me.

              And-- And that affected me.

              I don't know. I-I-- Maybe that's not fair, and I'm reading all kinds of things wrong...

              but it sure felt that way to me.

              I don't know what to say.

              I, um--

              I've just been having so much fun, and...

              I've been feeling all of these feelings lately...

              and not just my feelings for Jake.

              But this...

              reconnecting with this part of myself...

              that has been shut down for a long time.

              And if I indulge those feelings too much with you...

              or if I took you for granted, I am so sorry.

              I can't bear that I hurt you.

              Ah, it's not your fault.

              I totally set myself up for this.

              I'll tell you something, it's-- I don't know which feels worse.

              Having my heart broken...

              or starting to doubt myself because of what that means for me.

              Don't you dare doubt yourself.

              You have a gift, and you know it...

              and if you start to doubt that because of me...

              Brian, I don't know what I would do with myself.

              I don't doubt myself because of you.

              I-I feel like the best version of myself around you...

              and that makes me doubt everything else.

              I don't know what to do, Brian. Just tell me what to do, and I will do it.

              Is it me, or is confession getting a little touchy-feely these days?

              - Thank you. - Okay.

              All right, the lights are workin', cameras came...

              chairs are all set up the way we want 'em now.

              Okay, I sent the invitations out yesterday. We've got the karaoke machine.

              - Oh, no, no. - What? - We need the discs for the karaoke.

              I-- We-- I have to call Don. I'll do it when I get home.

              Well, that's all right. Do it now.

              Excuse me. Wh-What is that?

              - It's a cell phone. - Since when?

              Since Anna gave it to me. Look. She put God on the speed dial.

              I called it. It was the Elvis Presley Museum.

              Look, I-- I'm sorry. I have to say this.

              You know she's leaving next week, right? You do know that?

              - Yeah. Yeah. - Okay. I'm just checking.

              - You guys have been talking? - Yeah, yeah. I-- We had a good talk.

              - We sort of worked it out. - That's good.

              - It's okay. - Good. - Yeah.

              - Good. - It's so obvious you're thinking about her.

              - Are you sure you don't want to talk about this? - Yes, I don't!

              - It's weird to me. We haven't talked about this. - Am I asking you?

              I don't want to talk about it. I would talk about it if I wanted to talk about it.

              - I just think that she's leaving next week. - Brian, I know.

              - So if you're gonna deal with this, you'd better do it soon. - What do you want me to do? It's not--

              Oh. Rabbi Schram.

              - Excuse me. I'm looking for Ruth Schram. - Dr Marks.

              - What happened? - Your mother collapsed.

              - She suffered a transient ischemic attack. - A what?

              It's an almost stroke.

              An-- What does-- What does that mean, "almost stroke"? What are-- What are you talking about?

              - She had a temporary blockage of blood to her brain. - Is she all right?

              Bring me my Obsession perfume, a couple of macaroons and my computer.

              -I gotta get some E-mailing done. -Mom, I'm not gonna bring your computer.

              - You gotta rest, okay? The doctor said two days-- - Two days? Get outta here!

              If I have to stay here for two days, I'll give them an ischemic wh-whatever the hell I had.

              I assume your brother knows all about this.

              Yeah, he's, um, he's stuck in the Hamptons...

              but he's-- he's checking in and, and--

              Yeah. Okay. Well, doesn't matter. I'll be home by tomorrow.

              Thanks, guys, for being so dutiful.

              It's our pleasure.

              So where's the third Musketeer, Miss Reilly?

              Hmm? Workin' hard?

              - What? - You know what? Um, I-- I need a cup of coffee.

              - I'll get it. - No, that's okay. I'm gonna get it.

              You guys stay and talk.

              - What happened? - Look, Mom, I don't want you to worry about this, okay?

              - Everything's gonna be fine. I've dealt with it. - "Dealt with it"? You dealt with what?

              I dealt with it. It's over, and I don't--

              - I wanna talk to you about this. - No, we don't have to talk about it.

              - I wanna talk to you about this! - I think you should rest.

              - There's-- There's nothing to talk about. - Yes, there is.

              - No, there isn't. - There is.

              Sit back. Relax.

              Listen to me. There's a reason why your brother isn't here.

              - Yeah, I know, I know. - No, you don't know. - No, I know...

              - No, you don't. - and I'm not gonna let that happen again.

              You don't know!

              I made a mistake.

              It's true, he's punishing me a little too much for it...

              but it was my fault.

              It's hard to see your son as a man.

              I couldn't do that for him.

              You're a man, Jake. You're a good man. I did a good job with you.

              Make your own decisions about what's important to you.

              I'm proud of you no matter what.

              I love you.

              Thank you.

              How's your mother, Jake?

              She's good. She's, uh-- She's actually here tonight.

              Oh. That's wonderful.

              So I suppose you have your speech all prepared.

              - Yeah. - Yeah. Good.

              Good. Then you'll go out with a bang, huh?

              Since, uh, Yom Kippur...

              is kind of like the Super Bowl of the Jewish calendar...

              most rabbis try to cram a whole year's...

              worth of sermons into one kind of big "best of" sermon.

              Um, I'm not gonna do that tonight.

              I'm not gonna talk about the meaning of God...

              or the situation in Israel...

              or the status of Jews around the world.

              I'm-- I'd like to talk about something a little more personal.

              I'd like to talk about us.

              The status of you and me.

              A wise man once told me that no rabbi can save anyone.

              He can only offer himself as a guide to other fearful people.

              We live in a really complex world...

              a world where boundaries and definitions are blurring...

              and bleeding into each other in ways that--

              that I think challenge us not just as Jews but as human beings.

              And for a while now, you've let me be your guide.

              You've, uh--

              You've shared your lives with me.

              You've explored your faith with me...

              in ways that I know sometimes have seemed a little strange...

              and, and maybe even a little scary...

              but you put your trust in me...

              and over the past few months...

              I have been violating that trust.

              I've been violating it because I haven't been sharing my life with you.

              For a number of months, I've been seeing a woman who isn't Jewish.

              It doesn't matter if I'm still with her, which I'm not, or if I still love her, which I do, very much.

              What matters is that I shouldn't have been afraid to discuss it with you.

              I'm not sorry for loving her.

              I am sorry-- I'm very sorry-- that I put too little faith in you.

              Yom Kippur is the day of atonement.

              And so tonight I stand before you...

              and ask you to forgive me.

              This could take a while, Jake. Go home.

              I-I'll call you as soon as the board makes a decision.

              Or you could stick around. Okay?

              Come on. Come on.

              - Yes? - Yes. - Yes! Oh! Oh!

              - God, don't mess with me like that, you-- - Well, I couldn't--

              Oh. Oh. Oh!

              It's so fantastic. A made rabbi.

              - How does it feel? - Feels good.

              God. You know, we got a lot to celebrate tonight...

              barring an interfaith rumble at our opening.

              I know. It's definitely Manischewitz time.

              Hey, we got two cases delivered, by the way.

              Oh! Did you, uh, get the discs from Don?

              No, I'm going to. Don't worry, but, look, not to rain on your parade...

              - I just-- I had to go and say goodbye to Anna 'cause she's leaving tonight... - Oh.

              -which I know you know and don't want to talk about, but there it is, you know? - Yeah, I don't. There what is?

              Come on! Come on, man. What are you doing?

              What do you want me to do, flagellate myself?

              Jews don't do that. We-- We plant trees.

              Listen, who's talking about feeling guilty?

              I'm-- I'm-- I'm saying, you know, you're--

              I just think you'd want to do something about it. You're on such a roll right now. What--

              What could possibly be holding you back at this point?

              Y-You do love her, don't you?

              Yes, I do. I just-- I just--

              I mean, come on. Sometimes that's not enough, all right?

              Not-- What are-- Listen to what you're saying! "Not enough"?

              There-- There's nothing else that's worth anything against that, and you know it.

              I mean, for years I have listened to you-- to you talk about...

              how much you want something exactly like this to happen to you...

              and-- and when it comes, you-- you walk away from it over a few very minor complications.

              Now, what-- What kind of a plan is that? You-- You know how God works.

              Well, you think He's just gonna drop a gift like that in your lap a second time around...

              just 'cause you happen to be one of His crew, you know?

              Seriously. Look at me. I'm--

              I'm your friend, and I'm telling you, you are making this too complicated.

              It's a very simple situation. You're in love with her.

              She's in love with you, and she is leaving in about two hours.

              You need to ask yourself a simple question. Are you gonna do anything about it or not?

              What the-- Why are you standing here?

              Oh, my God. You're right. What am I doing? What am I doing standing here?

              Sign hasn't changed.

              - Oh, my God. - This is New York City. Who waits for a sign?

              What-- Cross the damn street! What, do we all need signs to tell us what to do now?

              - Come on! Cross the street! Don't wait. - Brian, Brian, Brian. I gotta go.

              - I gotta-- I gotta go! - Yes! Go.

              - Go! - Brian, thank you! - What happened to free will?

              - Thanks! - The power of human agency? Get across the street.

              That's right. Go. Go! Go. Go forth and, and prosper.

              - Excuse me, sir. May I help you? - Yeah. Hey, T-Bone. I gotta go see Anna.

              Oh, good! Yea!

              I'm sorry, sir. There's no answer at her office.

              T-Bone. T-Bone, look at me. Look at me. Don't you recognize my face?

              - It's Jake. - What is this in reference to?

              It's not in reference to anything. I'm just-- It's--

              Look, do me a favour. This is a very, very important thing to me.

              It's personal. If you could just go up there, tell anybody that Jake Schram is here.

              - Okay? - I'm afraid I can't do that, sir.

              Oh, man, help me out. Come on. Come on.

              Just two guys, "T."

              Take me with you.

              I really would, but I don't know where I'm going yet.

              What are you talking about?

              You're going to San Francisco to run the world and lead the exciting life.

              Well, don't tell anybody, but I think I need to take a break from this exciting life.

              - Really? - Yeah, I do.

              So what are you packing there? Something like        ?

              -    . - Oh,    .

              Okay. Okay. Okay.

              - All right. - Next time, sir... - Ow!

              - I suggest you make an appointment. - Ow!

              Hey, hey. No seriously. Seriously. A toast. A toast.

              To Anna. To Anna.

              Hear! Hear!

              - Thank you. I'm gonna miss you guys. - Yeah, right.

              No, really, I'm-- I'm gonna miss a lot of things around here.

              Like Len's endless Howard Stern recountings.

              And, of course, I'm gonna miss my Romeo Casanova boy across the way.

              - Hey, what is that? - What?

              Oh, my God.

              Who is that?

              - It's Jake. - What's he doing?

              I don't know.

              - Anna Reilly. - Anna?

              Anna, it's Jake. Can you-- Can you-- Can you see me?

              'Cause I can't see you. I can-- I'm, like, looking at a reflection of myself.

              Jake, I can see you. What are you doing?

              I've been trying to get up there for the last hour, but it's like the friggin' Pentagon with that T-Bone guy!

              So I decided to try Mr Casanova here. By the way, his name is Howard.

              Listen. There's some things that I've been thinking about. I'd like to talk to you.

              -Am I on speakerphone? - Hi, Jake!

              Hi. Hi.

              - Go on. - Well, can I talk to you alone?

              - Could I come over there? - No, I think now would be a good time.

              Okay. Um, alright.

              Listen, I-I-I've been thinking about stuff...

              an-an-an-an-and I just want you to know I'm sorry...

              and-- and you were right.

              - About what? -About everything.

              About--About us, about me. Especially about me.

              I've been acting like an idiot.

              - So what are you saying, Jake? - Yeah, what are you saying, Jake?

              I'm saying that I love you.

              I'm in love with you.

              And I've been waiting my whole life for someone like you, and I'm not gonna let you go.

              Please, don't go.

              Anna, I don't want you to go.

              Uh, could we hang up the phone, maybe?

              Hello? What's going on? Anna? Anna?

              - She's gone, buddy! Move, move, move! - What? What? Oh--

              Stuff like that never happens to me.

              Me neither.

              No jolts, no surprises

              No crisis arises My life goes along a sit should

              It's all very nice but not very good

              And I'm

              Ready to take a chance again

              Ready to put my love on the line

              With you

              Been living with nothing to show for it

              You get what you get when you go for it

              And I'm ready to take a chance again

              Ready to put my love on the line

              With you

              Been living with nothing to show for it

              You get what you get when you go for it

              -And I'm ready to take the change again - Hey! - Hi.

              - Is everything okay here? - Yeah. - Yeah, all good things.

              - Very good. - All good things. - All good things. All good things.

              - All right. - With you

              And I'm ready to take that chance again

              Rabbi Lewis. Anna, this is Rabbi Lewis.

              - Rabbi Lewis-- - Good to see you again, Miss Reilly.

              - Good to see you again, Rabbi Lewis. - You missed our last class.

              I know. I'm sorry. I thought I was leaving town.

              Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

              - I would love to start up again, if that's all right with you. - I'd be delighted.

              Now, if you'll excuse us, we've got some dancing to do.

              - Hey, come on, come on. Let's get this started. - Okay.

              Okay, if we could have your attention, please, we'd like to kick this off officially.

              - Yeah, everybody-- - It's so great to see such a great turnout.

              - Thank you, all, for coming. - Congratulations to everybody.

              And, uh, I gotta say, it's just wonderful to see so much interfaith dancing happening.

              - Like-- -'Cause you don't-- Get it?

              - It's like the end of West Side Story, where it really warms your heart. - That's right.

              - Let's give ourselves a hand. This is a great night for us all. - Yeah, this is your place.

              - Enjoy it, okay? - Okay. - Hit it.

              - Hello. - Hello.

              Can I interrupt, or is three a crowd here?

              Not this three.

              Hold it.

              Do you wanna know

              If everythin' glitterin'

              Will turn into the gold

              I see in your hair

              Feel it could be there

              Some how tonight

              And do you wanna fight

              Somethin' worth savin'

              The change would do me right

              'Cause I've been just waitin'

              And hesitatin' with this heart

              You're still a mystery

              But there's somethin' so easy

              In how you're sweet to me

              I feel completed

              Like it's somethin' I needed for this heart

              There's always somethin' so tragic

              About a hopeless romantic

              So though we cannot know

              If everythin' glitterin'

              Will turn into the gold

              I'm through with waitin'

              And hesitatin'

              I want you takin'

              This heart

Special help by SergeiK