text
string | score
int64 | upvote_ratio
float64 | num_comments
int64 | created_utc
float64 | url
string | id
string | subreddit
string | author
string | source_endpoint
string |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
I've heard it said "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Whoever said that is a fucking piece of shit, but, *I really like his shirt.*
| 319
| 0.97
| 7
| 1,593,247,435
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hgq1f1/ive_heard_it_said_if_you_cant_say_something_nice/
|
hgq1f1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
My dad asked me what my new year's resolution is... I looked him in the eye and said "1920x1080 Full HD".
| 318
| 0.99
| 5
| 1,609,586,957
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kow1nd/my_dad_asked_me_what_my_new_years_resolution_is/
|
kow1nd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Strong91105
|
top_all
|
I need some batteries! Cause I’ve reached the end of life’s extension cord.
| 318
| 0.98
| 2
| 1,603,572,203
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jhgc2w/i_need_some_batteries/
|
jhgc2w
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
dmgdwd
|
top_all
|
"Let's just say old Tommy is sleeping with the fishes tonight" the mobster said grasping a thermos. A man dresses as a night guard, having forgotten his coffee, is vast asleep at his post in the local aquarium.
| 317
| 0.97
| 14
| 1,742,818,043
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jip2s5/lets_just_say_old_tommy_is_sleeping_with_the/
|
1jip2s5
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
whahaga
|
top_all
|
Karen always had a soft spot for pretty men with big muscles. She laughed as they slowly sunk down into the Quicksand she lured them into.
| 317
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,594,721,013
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hqyt73/karen_always_had_a_soft_spot_for_pretty_men_with/
|
hqyt73
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
In Spanish, 'pez' means 'fish' So to Spaniards, the sea is literally a giant pez dispenser.
| 316
| 0.93
| 8
| 1,734,558,254
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hhcngh/in_spanish_pez_means_fish/
|
1hhcngh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
meesterincogneato77
|
top_all
|
You see, no matter what I do, I always feel like I can never be good enough "Lmao pussy" said the therapist.
| 316
| 0.98
| 3
| 1,596,129,950
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i0q67j/you_see_no_matter_what_i_do_i_always_feel_like_i/
|
i0q67j
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
"Daddy there's someone in the closet." "for the last time sweetie, Uncle Jeff and I are just roommates!"
| 316
| 0.98
| 7
| 1,743,554,758
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1jpbtjd/daddy_theres_someone_in_the_closet/
|
1jpbtjd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Playful_Trouble2102
|
top_all
|
In London, once you've seen one person smile, you've seen them all.. No I'm not talking about bad teeth; literally no-one smiles.
| 315
| 0.97
| 12
| 1,617,103,714
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mgdsun/in_london_once_youve_seen_one_person_smile_youve/
|
mgdsun
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
anon9876543210nymous
|
top_all
|
“Before you can work for me, you’re going to have to pass this IQ test.” Said Donald Trump. Turns out my IQ is 121 which is way too high
| 315
| 0.85
| 41
| 1,755,565,502
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1mu4ctk/before_you_can_work_for_me_youre_going_to_have_to/
|
1mu4ctk
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
EarlGreywarm92
|
top_all
|
It's been said you should never interrupt your enemy when they're making a mistake. Now my Ex's new boyfriend understands the pain of chlamydia.
| 315
| 0.99
| 10
| 1,741,559,901
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1j7jrya/its_been_said_you_should_never_interrupt_your/
|
1j7jrya
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Shrekdup
|
top_all
|
When I heard our priest cut his finger, I secretly swapped the holy water for pure alcohol. The whole church gasped when he dipped his hand in and screamed, "It burns!"
| 314
| 1
| 9
| 1,752,079,891
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1lvntwy/when_i_heard_our_priest_cut_his_finger_i_secretly/
|
1lvntwy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
LevelQx
|
top_all
|
I just landed a job where all I do is sew two people together by the anus, no questions asked. It's not a dream job, but it makes ends meet.
| 313
| 0.97
| 3
| 1,728,219,706
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fxfz1o/i_just_landed_a_job_where_all_i_do_is_sew_two/
|
1fxfz1o
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
DismalDude77
|
top_all
|
"I'M DYING!" I screamed as the creature pulled me further under the bed. From the other side of the door came the muffled reply: "Hi Dying, I'm Dad!"
| 312
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,588,789,154
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gepdm0/im_dying_i_screamed_as_the_creature_pulled_me/
|
gepdm0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
peterfeatherpen
|
top_all
|
"That's absurd, we have plenty of gay friends!" "No, Jean, I said that your name and Gene's name are homo*phones*."
| 311
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,747,922,480
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1ksrh08/thats_absurd_we_have_plenty_of_gay_friends/
|
1ksrh08
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
Much to the annoyance of everyone around me, I talked incessantly about my Oscar, my Emmy and my Tony. It's gotten to the point where people were relieved I didn't have a fourth child.
| 311
| 0.99
| 11
| 1,726,754,900
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fklrfs/much_to_the_annoyance_of_everyone_around_me_i/
|
1fklrfs
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
I will never forget Father's last words: "I shall now take a vow of silence."
| 311
| 0.98
| 14
| 1,709,819,991
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1b8vbuw/i_will_never_forget_fathers_last_words/
|
1b8vbuw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
“Your sentence shall be reduced” the judge said. I replied in excitement, saying “Thank you so mu-
| 311
| 0.99
| 43
| 1,628,110,162
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/oy209s/your_sentence_shall_be_reduced_the_judge_said/
|
oy209s
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
The_Fish_Alliance
|
top_all
|
"You'll really be able to take me places if I sign with you, Miss Handbasket?" asked Nick, the naïve young artist. "Please, call me Helena," she replied, holding out a dark red fountain pen.
| 311
| 0.98
| 9
| 1,610,637,306
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kx7j8w/youll_really_be_able_to_take_me_places_if_i_sign/
|
kx7j8w
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
Despite her desperate screams, they pryed her legs open and forced her down. Sitting in a highchair and eating mushed vegetables was a fate she didn't wish on her worst enemies.
| 310
| 0.97
| 5
| 1,612,102,411
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l9d1si/despite_her_desperate_screams_they_pryed_her_legs/
|
l9d1si
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
tacocat941
|
top_all
|
Why do people think beating cancer is difficult? I’m already at stage 4!
| 310
| 0.94
| 10
| 1,571,598,999
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/dko9wu/why_do_people_think_beating_cancer_is_difficult/
|
dko9wu
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Don't be impatient dear, death eventually comes to all. *video-footage of Death jacking off to you*
| 310
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,610,126,477
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kt70eg/dont_be_impatient_dear_death_eventually_comes_to/
|
kt70eg
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
wondererSkull
|
top_all
|
I bought my girlfriend an engagement ring. She bought me gloves.
| 309
| 0.89
| 15
| 1,600,538,195
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ivxd7v/i_bought_my_girlfriend_an_engagement_ring/
|
ivxd7v
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
normancrane
|
top_all
|
"Hey babe, hold still for a sec you got a little string on your bikini..." *wo oo sh*
| 309
| 0.97
| 3
| 1,591,403,930
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gxgt7v/hey_babe_hold_still_for_a_sec_you_got_a_little/
|
gxgt7v
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
rosie4568
|
top_all
|
I developed a sense of humor as a defense mechanism because I wasn't very tough. Then I had to start working out because I'm not that funny.
| 309
| 0.99
| 9
| 1,569,002,873
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/d6yrew/i_developed_a_sense_of_humor_as_a_defense/
|
d6yrew
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
HunterSDeadguy
|
top_all
|
A soldier gets caught trying to have sex with a weapon, and is brought in for questioning. When asked why he committed his actions, he replied with, “Well, sir, it’s called a railgun for a reason.”
| 308
| 0.97
| 7
| 1,620,013,786
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/n3n859/a_soldier_gets_caught_trying_to_have_sex_with_a/
|
n3n859
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
validemaillol
|
top_all
|
Her body tensed and quivered as wave after wave surged through it. I probably should have told her about the new electric fence.
| 308
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,615,192,893
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m0bhjg/her_body_tensed_and_quivered_as_wave_after_wave/
|
m0bhjg
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
seriouslampshade
|
top_all
|
My father was adamant that I would never win a beauty contest and demanded a recount of the votes I could see from the expression on my siblings faces, that we all remembered why we stopped playing Monopoly with him
| 308
| 1
| 12
| 1,621,184,521
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ndsoym/my_father_was_adamant_that_i_would_never_win_a/
|
ndsoym
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
Mark: "?" Is that a question, Mark?
| 308
| 0.98
| 6
| 1,589,149,273
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ghaxg1/mark/
|
ghaxg1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
I ordered a Scotch, but after a second called to the barkeep, "And bring me a double." He came back with a single Scotch and a guy who looks just like me.
| 308
| 0.99
| 4
| 1,621,307,928
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/nezu6p/i_ordered_a_scotch_but_after_a_second_called_to/
|
nezu6p
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
weirdinchicago
|
top_all
|
I can’t get a girlfriend My wife won’t allow it
| 307
| 0.97
| 12
| 1,620,278,131
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/n5zui3/i_cant_get_a_girlfriend/
|
n5zui3
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
I’ve always wanted to do a loop-the-loop manoeuvre in a plane, and today I finally did it! I don’t think the passengers appreciated it as much as I did, though.
| 307
| 0.98
| 5
| 1,597,849,014
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/icp721/ive_always_wanted_to_do_a_looptheloop_manoeuvre/
|
icp721
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
RedWestern
|
top_all
|
We found a nice, quiet place to do the deed. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian kicked us out.
| 307
| 0.98
| 10
| 1,625,821,262
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ogrov1/we_found_a_nice_quiet_place_to_do_the_deed/
|
ogrov1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
Good day, I'm Bob the necromancer. Today we'll be doing an unboxing.
| 307
| 0.98
| 6
| 1,613,167,489
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lim00b/good_day_im_bob_the_necromancer/
|
lim00b
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
tony7914
|
top_all
|
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words... ....could get me sued.
| 306
| 1
| 4
| 1,609,350,203
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kn6sum/sticks_and_stones_may_break_my_bones_but_words/
|
kn6sum
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CKO1967
|
top_all
|
"Honey i just ran over our donkey." "Deadass?"
| 306
| 0.99
| 4
| 1,624,016,968
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/o2n9xo/honey_i_just_ran_over_our_donkey/
|
o2n9xo
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
El_Chromo
|
top_all
|
I love to get up early in the morning and rearrange the furniture in my home, by moving it a few inches I then sit back and watch as my blind mother in law trips over everything
| 306
| 0.98
| 3
| 1,614,530,747
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lukciy/i_love_to_get_up_early_in_the_morning_and/
|
lukciy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
I was annoyed when the Queen of England died Not because she died but because she spoiled the ending of the TV Series “The Crown”.
| 305
| 0.96
| 29
| 1,737,207,221
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1i47mkd/i_was_annoyed_when_the_queen_of_england_died/
|
1i47mkd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CL4R101
|
top_all
|
I was thrilled to find out my girlfriend was pregnant. My wife didnt share my enthusiasm.
| 305
| 0.99
| 3
| 1,582,647,381
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/f9cmh7/i_was_thrilled_to_find_out_my_girlfriend_was/
|
f9cmh7
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
"Who's a little cutie pie?" I cooed at my cat, who had just jumped on my lap during the conference call. "Not me," replied my boss, as I realized my phone was not on mute.
| 304
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,588,620,303
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gdi7xi/whos_a_little_cutie_pie_i_cooed_at_my_cat_who_had/
|
gdi7xi
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
BlueSunflowers4589
|
top_all
|
“Bloody Hell!” I groaned, stubbing my toe for the 28th time “Actually, flaming hell would be more accurate, but do carry on,” grinned the demon overseeing my (admittedly petty) eternal punishment
| 304
| 0.99
| 5
| 1,617,027,365
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mfqi3t/bloody_hell_i_groaned_stubbing_my_toe_for_the/
|
mfqi3t
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
KailTheDryad
|
top_all
|
“Today’s the day,” she thought; “time to land that perfect bullseye.” Hunching low on her paws, she sprang and landed a direct hit; the sleeping man’s shriek confirming her victory.
| 304
| 0.97
| 5
| 1,732,371,278
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gy0jc4/todays_the_day_she_thought_time_to_land_that/
|
1gy0jc4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
InspiredWhispers
|
top_all
|
I thought it was a good idea to get my daughter a unicorn for her 8th birthday, she'd been so well behaved I felt she deserved it. To my horror, and my husband's amusement, she ended up naming it "Horny".
| 304
| 0.99
| 4
| 1,726,846,318
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fleupc/i_thought_it_was_a_good_idea_to_get_my_daughter_a/
|
1fleupc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Carbon_C6
|
top_all
|
They said gloves and a mask were all you needed to go to the supermarket. They lied; everyone else had clothes on!
| 303
| 0.99
| 1
| 1,584,796,370
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fmerjw/they_said_gloves_and_a_mask_were_all_you_needed/
|
fmerjw
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
mehar254
|
top_all
|
When my wife became pregnant, as the doctor used the ultrasound, I said: “I hope our foetus is a boy”. That’s when I noticed a middle finger on the monitor.
| 303
| 0.94
| 6
| 1,753,007,857
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1m4lsnd/when_my_wife_became_pregnant_as_the_doctor_used/
|
1m4lsnd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Nessieinternational
|
top_all
|
Never turn your back on friends from school They have the ugliest photos of you before puberty happened
| 302
| 1
| 5
| 1,593,415,822
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hhvhds/never_turn_your_back_on_friends_from_school/
|
hhvhds
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
abhijithvivek
|
top_all
|
I awoke from surgery and looked at my trusty, smiling best friend, "Where are my balls, Summer?"
| 302
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,619,629,769
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/n0jnbt/i_awoke_from_surgery_and_looked_at_my_trusty/
|
n0jnbt
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Ken_nth
|
top_all
|
Condoms are for fucking pussies! Tell me I'm wrong!
| 301
| 0.97
| 9
| 1,746,652,724
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1kh8x23/condoms_are_for_fucking_pussies_tell_me_im_wrong/
|
1kh8x23
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
pinkyandthebrain-ama
|
top_all
|
[OCT2020] Funerals are great because as soon as you start writing the word, you're already paying your respects.
| 301
| 0.97
| 17
| 1,602,551,376
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ja3m80/oct2020_funerals_are_great_because/
|
ja3m80
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
thealiagator111
|
top_all
|
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised
| 301
| 0.92
| 15
| 1,734,693,336
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hihmy8/i_told_my_wife_she_was_drawing_her_eyebrows_too/
|
1hihmy8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
RanaViky
|
top_all
|
I caught my wife flagrantly cheating with the next door neighbor! Monopoly night is officially over.
| 300
| 0.94
| 21
| 1,734,731,677
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hiut0o/i_caught_my_wife_flagrantly_cheating_with_the/
|
1hiut0o
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheRaincrow
|
top_all
|
"Well," the werewolf told them, "it's that time of the month!" "Daaaaaaaad," his kids groaned, "you get so corny around the full moon!"
| 300
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,611,792,265
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l6idw1/well_the_werewolf_told_them_its_that_time_of_the/
|
l6idw1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
LaceBird360
|
top_all
|
My son told me he will get a good job out of school He’s an art history major
| 298
| 0.78
| 92
| 1,602,100,595
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/j6y4ku/my_son_told_me_he_will_get_a_good_job_out_of/
|
j6y4ku
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
JeromeTheFerret
|
top_all
|
A couple of my friends couldn't comprehend the concept that S. Morgenstern was fictional and did not actually write "The Princess Bride". To them, the very idea was inconceivable.
| 298
| 0.97
| 14
| 1,726,496,358
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1fi5tzd/a_couple_of_my_friends_couldnt_comprehend_the/
|
1fi5tzd
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
What did the valedictorian say when she was climaxing? Cum Laude
| 298
| 0.98
| 8
| 1,594,360,041
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hojh1r/what_did_the_valedictorian_say_when_she_was/
|
hojh1r
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
YellowDomino
|
top_all
|
My friend didnt want to have the initials C.J, as it was too common. Though, changing his name from Carl Jubbs to Bastien Jubbs wasnt exactly a better solution...
| 297
| 0.98
| 14
| 1,611,177,116
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l1ioc7/my_friend_didnt_want_to_have_the_initials_cj_as/
|
l1ioc7
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Cyborginox
|
top_all
|
What do fish use to get high? Seaweed!
| 297
| 0.94
| 6
| 1,592,260,630
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/h9qk2g/what_do_fish_use_to_get_high/
|
h9qk2g
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
All students who don't speak english as their first language are requested to let me know before the exam "¿Qué? "
| 297
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,590,950,798
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gu4he8/all_students_who_dont_speak_english_as_their/
|
gu4he8
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
Someone once asked me how I could possibly think the unthinkable… Solemnly, I replied, “With an itheberg, of courthe.”
| 296
| 1
| 19
| 1,751,435,432
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1lpo4ch/someone_once_asked_me_how_i_could_possibly_think/
|
1lpo4ch
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CayleeB95
|
top_all
|
I told my parents to watch the kids. When I came back the baby was still chewing on the ouija board, so I guess it worked.
| 295
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,737,236,211
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1i4i32c/i_told_my_parents_to_watch_the_kids/
|
1i4i32c
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
LeviathanEugenious
|
top_all
|
I recently got married. Hold up, this is the wrong reddit- I meant to write this in r/twosentencesadness, my bad!
| 295
| 0.89
| 25
| 1,602,623,137
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jamgh1/i_recently_got_married/
|
jamgh1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IronMongerVi
|
top_all
|
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg and I said, "I bet I know what your favorite holiday is." He replied, "Have to love Easter, baby".
| 294
| 0.99
| 9
| 1,635,392,565
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/qhe54o/i_saw_arnold_schwarzenegger_eating_a_chocolate/
|
qhe54o
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ClutchingMyTinkle
|
top_all
|
My penis was in the guinness book of world records. Until the library kicked me out.
| 294
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,644,749,736
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/srg5z2/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/
|
srg5z2
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Corona-saurusrex
|
top_all
|
I see a hideous, unspeakable abomination before me... Whoops, my bad, it's just my driver's license photo.
| 294
| 0.99
| 12
| 1,612,377,403
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lbum0s/i_see_a_hideous_unspeakable_abomination_before_me/
|
lbum0s
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
CKO1967
|
top_all
|
If your dick is there, and my dick is here... ...then who's dick is in my ass?
| 293
| 0.98
| 7
| 1,640,981,543
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/rt27jm/if_your_dick_is_there_and_my_dick_is_here/
|
rt27jm
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Turbulent_Ad_2847
|
top_all
|
What do you call people who are always reposting jokes? I don't know, this one's actually never been told.
| 293
| 0.99
| 18
| 1,609,931,502
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/krluxu/what_do_you_call_people_who_are_always_reposting/
|
krluxu
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
thealiagator111
|
top_all
|
There was concern that my friend may have been suffering from hypothermia when he started removing his clothes saying how hot he was. "You misunderstand: he's a narcissistic exhibitionist," I explained.
| 293
| 0.95
| 9
| 1,724,681,558
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1f1p7f9/there_was_concern_that_my_friend_may_have_been/
|
1f1p7f9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
You guys won't believe what happened to my foreskin after circumcision [removed]
| 292
| 1
| 13
| 1,666,112,809
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/y7cp57/you_guys_wont_believe_what_happened_to_my/
|
y7cp57
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
steikul
|
top_all
|
Delorean for sale Only used from time to time
| 292
| 0.95
| 8
| 1,596,477,961
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/i322zl/delorean_for_sale/
|
i322zl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Thedepressionoftrees
|
top_all
|
My friend told me that she had a dream where I called her a whore and ghosted her, I told her that’s absurd. I only talk to whores.
| 291
| 0.98
| 0
| 1,598,210,558
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/if9dot/my_friend_told_me_that_she_had_a_dream_where_i/
|
if9dot
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
"Life was simpler when I was single" Thought the multicellular organism
| 291
| 0.99
| 0
| 1,589,759,002
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/glq6oh/life_was_simpler_when_i_was_single/
|
glq6oh
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
"Don't stop playing, you're killing it boy!" They said to the young musician In fact, his flute solo was so shitty that it killed the dragon, restoring the peace in the kingdom.
| 291
| 0.98
| 18
| 1,577,220,079
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ef6sms/dont_stop_playing_youre_killing_it_boy_they_said/
|
ef6sms
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Tramelo
|
top_all
|
My college friend announced to me the he’s now a time traveller, but had a run-in with my mom. I didn’t realize what he meant by that until I realized that I’m now a redhead just like him.
| 290
| 0.98
| 12
| 1,613,676,816
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/lmv30n/my_college_friend_announced_to_me_the_hes_now_a/
|
lmv30n
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
cindybubbles
|
top_all
|
The genie, now seeing the vision and grinning with a newfound approval, grants me a 8th wish and I take my 8th beer. He knows wish 10 is going to be car keys
| 290
| 0.94
| 16
| 1,730,747,978
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1gjmntm/the_genie_now_seeing_the_vision_and_grinning_with/
|
1gjmntm
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
follople
|
top_all
|
Who needs April fool? When your whole life is a joke.
| 290
| 0.97
| 14
| 1,617,283,508
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mhv8uu/who_needs_april_fool/
|
mhv8uu
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sreeker6
|
top_all
|
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer "Smoking" or "Non-smoking". Apparently the correct terms are "Cremation" and "Burial".
| 289
| 1
| 4
| 1,631,242,532
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/plcl9g/i_got_fired_from_my_job_because_i_kept_asking_my/
|
plcl9g
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
ClutchingMyTinkle
|
top_all
|
Our science professor tried to explain cloning to the class, but my friend confessed he still didn't understand. "That makes two of us", I admitted sadly.
| 288
| 0.97
| 1
| 1,736,558,186
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1hykg27/our_science_professor_tried_to_explain_cloning_to/
|
1hykg27
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TheRaincrow
|
top_all
|
I put blood, sweat and tears into my job. The restaurant said I’ll never find work as a chef ever again.
| 288
| 1
| 3
| 1,611,552,800
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l4gyvj/i_put_blood_sweat_and_tears_into_my_job/
|
l4gyvj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Kiddish_Panda
|
top_all
|
I always get this subreddit and twosentencehorror confused. It’s probably because all of the jokes here kill and the horror there is a joke!
| 288
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,702,045,495
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/18dnxpj/i_always_get_this_subreddit_and_twosentencehorror/
|
18dnxpj
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Brokelunatic
|
top_all
|
I knew that something was wrong the second I walked into my house, and immediately tensed up and prepared for the worse I stared in horror at the burnt mess on the table as my husband proudly proclaimed that he had cooked dinner
| 288
| 0.99
| 5
| 1,619,266,107
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/mxiomc/i_knew_that_something_was_wrong_the_second_i/
|
mxiomc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sugar-soad
|
top_all
|
Knowing I was the last person alive on earth, I was filled with confusion when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. "You have 7 new likes on tinder, join premium now to find out who"
| 287
| 1
| 8
| 1,745,285,835
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1k4uk2b/knowing_i_was_the_last_person_alive_on_earth_i/
|
1k4uk2b
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Polite-Degenerate
|
top_all
|
Why do bears don't want to go to the taxi? They'd rather prepare for a Ubear.
| 286
| 0.94
| 7
| 1,608,977,421
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kkgc3t/why_do_bears_dont_want_to_go_to_the_taxi/
|
kkgc3t
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
When in doubt, you can always trust your gut! \[*juicy fart*\] I've been betrayed.
| 286
| 0.98
| 6
| 1,594,929,498
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hsh3q0/when_in_doubt_you_can_always_trust_your_gut/
|
hsh3q0
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Legojedi73
|
top_all
|
I once had a dog with only 3 feet. All three of them were left feet, and that bastard ran in circles all day.
| 286
| 0.94
| 6
| 1,592,846,956
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hdwoen/i_once_had_a_dog_with_only_3_feet/
|
hdwoen
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
Oh God, it's the Devil again. I didn't answer the call because I couldn't deal with him right now.
| 286
| 0.97
| 5
| 1,592,671,694
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hcph2j/oh_god_its_the_devil_again/
|
hcph2j
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Outside_Normal
|
top_all
|
The wretched creature escaped, the world was gonna change I screamed ‘CURSE YOU PERRY THE PLATYPUS’.
| 286
| 0.99
| 6
| 1,595,625,005
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hxa5z9/the_wretched_creature_escaped_the_world_was_gonna/
|
hxa5z9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
bomberman324
|
top_all
|
What's the worst invest in 2020? Purchasing a planner for 2020.
| 285
| 0.94
| 15
| 1,592,483,108
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hbdm9v/whats_the_worst_invest_in_2020_purchasing_a/
|
hbdm9v
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
litty956
|
top_all
|
Finally, the ring I accidentally ate after my fiancee hid it in a cake was coming out the other side. As I stood up to get it, I heard the automatic toilet begin to flush.
| 285
| 0.99
| 8
| 1,696,960,208
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/174rdp4/finally_the_ring_i_accidentally_ate_after_my/
|
174rdp4
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Alanmx97
|
top_all
|
Just a single gram has the power to kill a hundred men! Why did we ever give her that gun??
| 285
| 0.98
| 4
| 1,615,887,900
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/m65c9d/just_a_single_gram_has_the_power_to_kill_a/
|
m65c9d
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
IronMongerVi
|
top_all
|
You know what they say about cliffhangers
| 285
| 1
| 9
| 1,640,243,919
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/rmq0zp/you_know_what_they_say_about_cliffhangers/
|
rmq0zp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
weeb_gal
|
top_all
|
Uncle jack is stuck on his horse! Can you help uncle jack off?
| 283
| 0.97
| 16
| 1,598,158,589
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/iexegl/uncle_jack_is_stuck_on_his_horse/
|
iexegl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
The smell of maple syrup wafted through the air, people being absurdly kind to each other, and you couldn’t find a single Starbucks anywhere. You realize that you have just entered: The Canadian Zone.
| 283
| 0.97
| 14
| 1,611,614,858
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/l4zqr1/the_smell_of_maple_syrup_wafted_through_the_air/
|
l4zqr1
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Waddl3z
|
top_all
|
As i was cleaning my sons room, he yelled "That's the spirit, dad!" The pale girl with the long black hair in the corner of the room, did not seem excited
| 283
| 0.97
| 6
| 1,749,737,825
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1l9nmfl/as_i_was_cleaning_my_sons_room_he_yelled_thats/
|
1l9nmfl
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
LevelQx
|
top_all
|
Did I tell you about the mime who kidnapped me? He did unspeakable things
| 282
| 0.99
| 12
| 1,734,189,949
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/1he56rq/did_i_tell_you_about_the_mime_who_kidnapped_me/
|
1he56rq
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Purple_Law_8796
|
top_all
|
I hate the term stupid I prefer selectively smart
| 280
| 0.97
| 8
| 1,614,265,856
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/ls8o3n/i_hate_the_term_stupid/
|
ls8o3n
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
TrashMouth4898
|
top_all
|
The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen. But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."
| 280
| 0.99
| 14
| 1,608,166,075
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/kembxp/the_british_anthropologist_enjoyed_rare_tribesmen/
|
kembxp
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
normancrane
|
top_all
|
This morning I told life I was tired of feeling down and I didn't care how many lemons it threw at me because I knew I could make lemonade. "What do you mean my auto insurance doesn't cover lemonade stands??"
| 280
| 0.98
| 1
| 1,606,135,095
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/jzgud9/this_morning_i_told_life_i_was_tired_of_feeling/
|
jzgud9
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
NoNoNotLikeThatAgain
|
top_all
|
They think I’m a master of illusion. Little do they know...
| 280
| 0.96
| 10
| 1,593,066,860
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/hfh7jc/they_think_im_a_master_of_illusion/
|
hfh7jc
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
Pikapoleon
|
top_all
|
My whole world turned upside down when I found my wife was cheating on me with my best friend at my goddamn bed. That guilty son of a bitch even dared to wag it's tail and bark at me when I saw them.
| 279
| 0.98
| 7
| 1,588,440,689
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/gcabx2/my_whole_world_turned_upside_down_when_i_found_my/
|
gcabx2
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
sgc0014
|
top_all
|
I died yesterday, and somehow I was sent to Celebrity Heaven by mistake. It sure is quiet around here.
| 279
| 0.99
| 7
| 1,586,565,082
|
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoSentenceComedy/comments/fysqjy/i_died_yesterday_and_somehow_i_was_sent_to/
|
fysqjy
|
TwoSentenceComedy
|
[deleted]
|
top_all
|
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