1. Make plans via text with your girlfriends.
Miraculously, it appears that you might all be able to sneak out of the house on the same night of the week. Ain't nobody got time for a phone call or group email so just go ahead and get the text chain going, but for the love of all things, keep it brief, the baby is requiring a diaper change. Blame it on the rain, teething, another incident report for biting, whatever, but it's evident that everyone needs a night out of the house to drink wine, so let's make this happen, ladies!
2. Convince the Husband that your Girls Night Out will have very little effect on him.
Go ahead and get going on dinner (some type of meat in the crock pot is a safe bet), get the house picked up, the baby's pajamas laid out and, while you're at it, have a Come To Jesus chat with your offspring about not being a holy terror at exactly the moment when you need to flee the scene. Send Husband a sweet email about how wonderful the baby has been all day and casually mention that the girls are talking about grabbing a super quick dinner. If needed, emphasize that you won't leave until after bed time. Now is the time for strong negotiation skills so have your game face on.
3. Get Husband on board, locking down his ETA.
Don't skip this step. You need to know what time he'll be home so that you know when you can 1. shower and 2. what will be required of you prior to attempting to leave the house. Are you on baby dinner duty? Will you need to shower prior to baby dinner duty? If so, put on a pre-leaving the house outfit so you don't end up with toddler ravioli all over your one Out Of The House Outfit for the week. Also, considering you probably rocked your pj's all day, make sure you leave a little wiggle room to actually pick out an outfit. This may be your only shot to wear an actual pair of pants all week so don't squander it.
4. Wait by the window for Husband to arrive.
Watch the clock and debate whether or not to pour a glass of wine. Hope husband isn't late because you are feeling fancy enough to curl your hair. Text your friends to see if their back up has arrived. Feel slightly relieved that they are also waiting by the window and you most likely won't be the last to show. Plug in curling iron so you don't lose momentum. Shoot a sideways glance towards your underwear drawer and hope it's stocked with something clean.
The Calvary has arrived! Carefully take a few minutes to show him how yummy dinner looks and how sweet your babe is. Shower as quickly as possible so that you can really spend time on your under eye concealer. Also, don't forget to brush your teeth. When all else fails in the make up department, slap on a red lip. Red lips will distract from the under eye circles and your girlfriends will be impressed with your efforts. Curl your hair in large chunks so that you can speed up the process. Spray to death with hairspray. Struggle into your jeans but be proud of yourself that you are in bottoms with a zipper fly. Warning: at this point, you may hear the baby fuss. Do not stop the process unless things really escalate. Trust me, it's a trap.
Ok, you made into pants and have fresh breath and real lipstick.
Casually walk out of your bedroom, only stopping to grab your purse (do not stop to switch purses or bother with any other fancy trickery). Give the husband a quick kiss if he's within striking distance and tell him that you'll be home soon. Try not to rile up the baby, it will only make things harder the next time you want attempt to bounce solo. Confidently and calmly walk out the door. Play it cool and don't geek out on the group text until you actually make it out of the driveway. Do not make eye contact with any of your family members who are watching your leave through the windows (this includes the dog). Clear your property line and take a deep breath.
Hope the bartender is ready because Girl's Night, here you come.
I love spontaneous Monday nights out with you!
I do not have babies yet but this. Is. HILARIOUS. Love your sense of humor.