Marty Deeks studied the figure of his fiancée, currently hunched before the fire he'd set blazing in the hearth. Those were the first words she'd spoken since they'd arrived home.
Deeks hesitated, not certain whether to let her vent, or try to assuage her angst. It was a bit of uncharted territory for him, albeit welcome. This wasn't the first time she'd broken down with him, but each time before had been followed by her chastising herself immediately afterward, for her self-perceived weakness.
Today had been different. Today, she'd been no less strong. If anything, she'd shown the depth of her strength, the source of it. She'd shown her compassion. She'd allowed herself to hurt, and she was still in that space. She'd not shaken it off, nor tried to escape it. She'd stayed with it. Or it had stayed with her.
To a very young Kensi, compassion had been almost anathema, even as she'd exercised it. She'd considered herself to be tough, hardened by the many losses of her youth….her happy home, her mother, and then, in devastating fashion, her father. She'd been bent, but not broken, not even on the streets of LA, where she'd pitifully turned for solace. Having grown what she'd considered to be an impermeable outer shell, she'd been repeatedly taken by surprise when something penetrated, and found her core….which was, it turned out, not so steeled as she'd thought. In spite of herself…or maybe because of herself, and the life she'd lived, Kensi had developed a deep well of compassion.
David had tapped into that well today. But the problem with compassion was that, once acknowledged, it demanded one to see things that one would rather not see, and feel things that one would rather not feel. It demanded that one confront the human condition, up close and personal. And it demanded all of those things without benefit of protective armor.
Kensi hadn't hesitated at all when David had asked her to stay with him. She'd known his situation, even if he had not, yet she'd agreed immediately to bear it with him. She'd reacted viscerally to the photographic evidence of what had happened to his young son, at the hands of a madman wielding the power of chemical weapons. She could only have wished that the pain of it, the knowledge of it, the horror of it, had been unimaginable. But she'd seen it for herself. There had been no imagination required, and no amount of distraction to remove the image, and the fact, from her mind.
As mighty as was the temptation to draw her into his arms, Deeks resisted it. To hold her now would be to tell her that what she was going through wasn't necessary. Wasn't right. But some part of him, some wise, weathered part of his soul, knew that it was necessary. That she had to feel what she was feeling, and confront it, and confront all of the things that had contributed to it.
So he simply sat beside her, and softened his voice to a whisper.
She barely noticed the tears running down her face, and would have denied that she was crying, her cheeks having become so accommodated to wetness over the past few hours. Still, she reflexively wiped at them.
She'd turned to look at him, begging for an answer to herunanswerable questions.
I only hope I'll be that lucky one day, when it's my turn.
Shivering involuntarily at the memory of a few hours ago, when he'd been afraid that it had been his turn.
Deeks finally gave in to his temptation, and reached out to his fiancée, his hand rubbing circles into her back, his voice barely above a whisper.
Listening, Kensi studied her fiancé.
Deeks succumbed completely to his desire for contact. He turned her to face the fire again, and moved behind her, his arms finally filled with the woman he loved.
Reminding her of the good she'd done. Thinking about this afternoon, when he'd wondered if he might ever hear her voice again. When he'd longed to, in those seconds that had seemed to stretch into years.
"But I couldn't change anything else. I couldn't keep him from dying." Her voice breaking again.
"You think I did something sacred?" Incredulity in her voice.
Kensi couldn't quite get there with him.
Deeks had been trying not to think too hard about his day in the field, and now he faced a dilemma. Should he tell her? Or would it unnecessarily frighten her? Would it make her untrusting of Turk? Would that be a bad thing?
He was out of control today. And he seems to be around a lot. She trusts him, from Mexico. What if she's teamed up with him, some time, and doesn't know to watch her back?
Which made the decision for him. Not that he would have had any choice. Kensi had long ago demonstrated her ability to read him.
"We have time now." Insistent.
Kensi felt the involuntary tensing of the muscles in her fiance'sarms, and turned herself around to face him.
He hesitated before telling her, despite his resolve to do so. She'd already been more fragile with him this evening than he could remember. But keeping secrets was poison to a relationship, as he well knew.
"You…." Unable to hide her shock and fear for him, even after the fact.
Once he'd started, there was no way he could hold it back.
"I was in this shallow alcove, and there were at least three of them, and all I had left was my knife. Which I took out, stupidly enough. And I thought…." Stopping himself, fearing his voice would break.
"Baby…" She reached out to him, cupping his cheek.
"Oh, my God. Baby!" Reaching her arms around him, comforting him, cherishing him, offering thanks for the fact of him in her life. Sad, once again, that David's wife wouldn't be able to do the same.
Nothing besides me looking death in the eye, and blinking.
"You came home to me. That's a good thing." Smiling through her tears.
Deeks turned her face to his, holding her chin.
This was well done. I was especially taken when Kensi said she'd feel safer standing behind a gun the than open herself to someone else's anguish. That was really telling. I think this episode had Kensi rethinking some things about their future and I think it's an episode that I and the fans will never forget. Again an excellent fan fiction by an excellent writer. Thank you.
You were right about Kensi rethinking their future, as we saw in the last episode. I guess you can't really have an experience like the one she had without it changing your life.
Beautifully written. I loved the conversation between Kensi and Deeks when Deeks told her about his close brush with death because of Turk. I thought the reason Deeks gave himself for telling her was perfect , it was something she needed to hear to better understand Turk if she was partnered with him.
Glad you liked it. It will be interesting to see if this incident comes up the next time we see Turk, assuming there will be a next time.
This was wonderful. One of my favorite parts was Kensi telling Deeks that she admired his ability to smile even after terrible experiences (it reminded me of the scene in "Getaway" when she said she admired his abilityt to make friends). My other favorite part was Deeks telling Kensi about his experience with Turk and her responses–from her initially one- to two-word utterances as she can't believe what she's hearing to her realization that her fiance might have died alone while she was making sure a stranger didn't suffer the same fate (didn't make that connection myself–nicely done!) to her admiting that she's going to have a hard time not killing Turk when she next sees him. Brava!
Thanks, glad it rang true. I think one of the things that drew me to Deeks in the first place was his persistent sunniness—and then I was intrigued to find out how much darkness was in his past. There's so much to dig into in the spaces between those two things!
I also loved how you had Kensi react when she found out what happened with Deeks and Turk and the firefight. I think she will definitely have a few choice words for Turk.
Then, the ending where she asks if Deeks is her angel was just perfect!
Kensi has been through so many things in her life that you would have expected her to have asked those questions before this. But she's always struck me as someone who is afraid of showing weakness if she delves too deeply. Maybe Deeks is helping her to see that it's okay.
This is such a beautiful story. I am so grateful the episode "Better angels" really seems to have inspired many of you, amazingly talented NCIS:LA fanfiction writers, to delve a little more into Deeks' and Kensi's thoughts, feelings and reactions at the end of that unbelievable day. Sometimes this is what I miss the most at the end of such emotional episodes. Luckily there are stories like yours, Amusement, to make amends!
Thanks, Cladani. I'm with you—I always wonder "what happened next?" And I find that, the richer the characters—and these are very rich characters—the more there is to explore.
This is the best show I have watched. Wait from week to week for next episode. During program times no one is to interrupt me for any rhyme or reason.compliments to writers directors and producers for creating this show. Also, to the very wonderful actors who do such a sensational job. Keep up the good job.