'I'm actually at capacity': Can you rebuff a friend who reaches out?
By Mary Ward
December 3, 2019 — 12.11am
Last month, US academic Melissa Fabello tweeted a screenshot of a text message she received from a friend: "Do you have the emotional/mental capacity for me to vent about something medical/weight-related for a few minutes?"
Fabello followed by saying she appreciated the message because "asking for consent for emotional labour ... should be common practice".
Can you rebuff a friend who reaches out? Credit:Stocksy
The thread attracted attention online, prompting Fabello to share a form-fill message which she sends to people when she doesn't think she has the emotional bandwidth to hear their problems. It read:
"Hey! I'm so glad you reached out. I'm actually at capacity/helping someone who's in crisis/dealing with some personal stuff right now, and I don't think I can hold appropriate space for you. Could we connect [later date or time] instead/Do you have someone else you could reach out to?"
Her message – criticised for its impersonal nature and demonstrating what some viewed as a transactional approach to friendship – quickly went viral, with the thread retweeted over 6000 times. Then, as things are, it was ridiculed as a social media meme.
However, while many were startled by how blunt and impersonal an approach to friendship the message represented, others sympathised, sharing their own versions of the message and saying they also appreciated it when someone asked for permission before unloading.
The split in opinion begs the question: In this age of self-care, can you rebuff a friend who reaches out? Or is that a decidedly unfriendly thing to do?
Elisabeth Shaw, clinical and counselling psychologist and CEO of Relationships Australia NSW, says, even though sometimes telling a friend you aren't the person who can help them is "absolutely the right thing to do", she wouldn't recommend sending a message such as this.
A distressed person can read all sorts of things into writing that they may not in person where you can salvage things if misunderstood.
"Ringing or catching up and expressing concern and saying what is going on for you, is better than handling the whole thing online," she warns. "The written word does not have the emotion in it that we convey by voice, even if we have laboured over the words; a distressed person can read all sorts of things into writing that they may not in person where you can salvage things if misunderstood."
For clinical psychologist Dr Tim Sharp, from Sydney's Happiness Institute, the sentiment behind messages like these is also acceptable, although the execution "might leave a bit to be desired".
"I definitely think it's important we look after ourselves; at times that might mean saying 'no' to others," he says. "But like anything, it's not just what you say but how you say it."
If you truly believe you will not be able to cope with supporting a friend through something at this time, Sharp says it is important to send that message, but to do so in a way that is caring and compassionate, taking into account both your needs and theirs.
"I'm reluctant to specify any exact wording because the 'right' way will differ from person to person and situation to situation," he says. "I think that's the main problem with this 'copy and paste' approach you've mentioned. It's not personalised or individualised."
The type of friendship you have with the person matters, too. Melbourne psychologist Meredith Fuller says you should remember there is a difference between being a friend someone can lean on in times of hardship and being an amateur therapist they use instead of seeking professional help.
"If this is a continual situation where they are always asking you to be their 'ear' but they are never available for you, then it is an unequal relationship and then it is adult and reasonable to recommend other avenues in the best interests of your friend and yourself," she says.
In instances such as these, Fuller recommends an empathic response ("I am sorry to hear this, it sounds hard to manage, that is awful"), followed by a practical one: say if you will be able to meet them to talk about it next week, or if you think the issue could use the attention of a psychologist as it appears to crop up often or be too intense for you to support them through alone.
Shaw agrees: "If your friend's mental health is very poor, and in fact [they need] professional support, sometimes friends rallying can mean the person does not get the help they need. That doesn't mean abandon them as a hard line measure. It is more that you might say, 'This is beyond the help a friend can provide. I can support you as a friend but believe you need other support as well, and I can help you get that.'"
Mary Ward is Deputy Lifestyle Editor of The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age.
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