I decided I needed to talk to myself and me. It was and is a conversation I need to have occasionally.
I launched into the discussion with me and the topic for this meeting of me was "A Crisis of Faith." I wondered if other people who have served the Lord wondered just where God is and is all of this I have believed really true. For myself, deep down inside where me resides is a deep abiding faith and love for Jesus the one that redeemed me from sin.
It was the I and me that were having difficulty when myself joined in and asked some very serious questions.
Why do you think you are even asking this question?
Where do you think the thoughts are coming from?
If you don't believe what is the alternative?
Myself is the one that holds truly to what Me and I believe. All the studies, all the sermons and messages and truths that reside in the body shell that holds the three of us. They all have a part in keeping the vast amount of memories, facts and various tidbits of information cataloged and stored in the vast "computer" that makes up my brain. It is in my heart, the seat of my emotions, that really knows what all of us (me, myself and I) really believe.
The three of us, after a long debate answered this question –where are these thoughts coming from? The we (meaning me, myself and I) knew immediately where this came from. The enemy of our soul, the liar Satan, aka the Devil was trying to plant the seeds of doubt in the soil of my soul. He was a tenacious seed sower who kept trying to nourish the small seeds of doubt to blossom and destroy what God was cultivating in my life. I reminded me and myself of a line in a song "has fear and doubt come against you mind, has your faith been sorely tried." Yes we all answered. This is where we are. Another line from that same song floated through our thoughts. "Lift up your eyes here comes your help." This brought Psalms 121 to our collective thoughts, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1,2 ESV version.
One question answered, now for the other two. I said to me and to myself you are asking this because you don't understand what is happening in the circumstances around you. We all took a look at what was happening around us in the various parts of our life. We looked backward to all the happenings and events of our life that brought us to this moment. The three of us all said at once if we don't believe what is the alternative? Long discussions ensued over this question. All of us agreed we did not like the alternative and decided we would not entertain those thoughts, so we brought those negative and troubling thoughts of doubt and gave them to the one who sits on the throne of authority in our life, Jesus Christ, God's only son. We listened to Him as He told us the enemy of our soul would love nothing more than to cover your eyes with the cloak of deception and cause you to fall away from the love of Father God.
Me, Myself, and I made a declaration that day – our faith still holds unto Jesus Christ who is the author and finisher of our faith. We choose to allow Jesus to help us banish doubt and fear and ask the Father to destroy the seeds of these insidious plants trying to destroy the garden of our heart and to strengthen our faith.
Will this conversation take place again, maybe, but the three of us (Me, Myself and I) know where to go to get the answers.
She heard the knock at the door. Who would be calling at this time? Standing there was the last person she expected. Miss Pity breezed in and past her. Her presence filled the space and her essence permeated everything. Right behind her trouped, doubt, fear, mistrust and few more of her close friends.
I didn't invite you she told the guest. I came anyway because I just knew you needed me. She was right. Feeling sorry for myself I allowed Miss Pity to set the agenda for my morning. There was the gentle reminder of who had offended me then she laid out a long list of things from my past. We sat down as the delectable morsels of faded memories and accusations we spread before me.
She was right. I needed her. I needed to feel that poor little oh me syndrome. It wasn't long before doubt and fear unpacked their basket of goodies and I was overcome with what they said was true. It wasn't but then they were really convincing. Mistrust was the last to bring her enticing delights. I should only trust Pity and her friends she reminded me.
Yes, yes, they were right. I shouldn't be treated like this I thought to myself. The ladies, my so called friends, spoke cruel and punishing words. I didn't need friends who would whisper behind my back and share things I had said in confidence.
Fear was dancing for glee. This pity party was going exactly as planned. It wouldn't be long before their hostess would be filled with fear and mistrust. They would have her captive then. They could control her and she would never breakthrough to victory.
They twisted God's word to fit their agenda saying, "If God really cares – then why is everyone else blessed and not you." God is punishing you was another tidbit they placed on my plate. He really doesn't care about you.
These uninvited guests were winning. They could feel it and they settled down for what they thought would be a long extended visit.
The phone rang and the hostess rose to answer. Her guests said let it go, they will call back later. After all these uninvited guests had so much more to share.
No, no she couldn't do that. "Hello," she said. It was her friend and she had called to remind her that she would be there in a few minutes to pick her up. She had forgotten – a girls lunch out. She didn't feel like going but – she was one to not disappoint. She dismissed her guests and Miss Pity and her pals were ushered out.
It was time to go home. She left encouraged and lifted by their friendship and love. She determined the next time Miss Pity came to call she would refuse to entertain her and would close the door. She just didn't have time for them anymore.
Sometimes I am a little hard headed and often I have to repeat the lessons God is trying to teach me. Finally I get tired of being in 1st grade and learn the lessons and moved to the next level.
Years ago I became aware of a need in a family's life. It wasn't life threatening but it was a concern they had. God spoke to me and said, "the money you have tucked away, I want you to give it to that family." After arguing with God, (but Lord it took me a long time to save that much – I have plans for that money) I finally surrendered and folded the money in an envelope and gave it to the mother. I knew the pressing need they had and really expected them to apply that money to the need. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that they took "my private stash" and spent it on something frivolous. You can believe I let God know how upset I was. "God what were you thinking?" Don't question God because He will answer and I was truly put in my place. His words to me were, "It is not about how they used the money it is about whether you are willing to do what I ask of you and leave the rest to me." I never forgot that lesson. I bowed my head and asked forgiveness and promised not to question His requests.
I learned it was not about them and what they did it was about me and my obedience.
At other times I find it easy to do what He asks. It just seems natural to obey. When I surrender to His plan my life is much richer. Again, there are the other times when ruling and guiding my own life seems better. "Will I ever learn?" My Heavenly watches from heavens gates and in patience lets me have my way.
It never fails when I take control and place self on the throne of my heart things never go right. Oh, for a while things are good. Thinking to myself "see, I can do this, things are going just the way I wanted." It never fails, sooner and sometimes later, smack dab in the middle of my "little world" a problem arises, an insurmountable obstacle I can't handle. Like the prodigal son in scripture who returns to his father, I find myself running to my Heavenly Father and asking for help with my insurmountable obstacle.
Sometimes in my rush to Him I forget to say I am sorry Lord. You rule my life I tell him. In His love He folds me in His arms and draws me back into a right relationship with Him. As His grace and mercy surround me I find myself weeping for His acceptance and forgiveness.
Sin always has consequences and my own selfishness has caused me to bear those circumstances but there comes a realization in knowing God understands and He will make a way through the mess I have caused. I am learning to lean on Him and trust Him in all things.
I just keep learning lessons.