This story was written after "Initiations" aired, but before "Tattoo."
time since she had needed an alarm to wake her up in the morning.
until she fell into bed exhausted and slept like the dead all night.
That had been followed by several months of her own "time of mourning,"
reality as soon as she was deeply asleep again.
effect, snapped his head off only to have hers snapped off in return.
day for the past month.
knees, and rested her chin on them.
that she wanted him to get.
had been an adolescent crush when she was not ready for more than that.
that was only part of the reason it was so dangerous.
she could call them up at will with a letter and a number.
easily as she could see what was happening to him?
Neelix come up with this time?"
like a muffin kind of morning. Don't you agree, Captain?"
hoping that she was keeping her face as straight as he was keeping his.
"Muffins?" Neelix looked from one to the other. "Just _muffins_?"
"And coffee." And the captain prepared for the onslaught.
before. I've been working on another subst--"
"Well--" Neelix looked at the first officer, as though for support.
Allowing only a trace of a smile to become visible, Chakotay shrugged.
of these days he'll get something right."
pancakes on Sunday morning. My father would make them. It was an event."
"The only time the family could get together all week?"
He paused in the act of taking a drink of coffee. "Watch?"
"So we wouldn't talk the guest out of the loop. You know. Get excited.
"I know," he said softly, smiling again.
"You and B'Elanna do that all the time when you're together."
important, being able to look at him without anyone watching.
about hers, was as good a time as any.
His expression changed, although she could not have said how it changed.
there a moment before was almost completely gone.
and that was most of the time."
"And your mother?" she asked, knowing the answer.
heritage is an essential part of our selves--the way we see ourselves.
"I don't know. Displaced. Misplaced." He paused, thinking. "Confused.
realized what he must be saying. "You feel his presence?"
interest that she actually was feeling.
right in with him." Looking at her again: "What's so funny?"
"Your eyes are," he said.
spread to her mouth. "Can you live with that?"
"Looks like I'll have to." His own eyes were twinkling now.
"Where did you live before you settled on Dorvan V?"
working on together. She moved on, and the room began to clear.
his hand like a student wanting to ask a question of his own. "My turn?"
full on hers: "What happened to the picture in your ready room?"
for what she was about to do but unable to stop herself from doing it.
"Harry," she said across Chakotay's shoulder, "won't you join us?"
and left them, it was almost time for their watch to start.
had not known she was holding in an audible sigh of relief.
"I--think I was afraid you might never ask again."
had once brought the sun in with, and then he was gone.
with the Sikarians. It was not simply a matter of "No hard feelings.
Nothing honorable about going around mad all the time.
without looking back. Tuvok had given her his word, and that was enough.
of the Starfleet crew members she was now supervising as chief engineer.
you're going to have to clean up after me."
hard not to show either. "Could I have just a moment?"
been sitting down before. "Is it a personnel problem?"
"Yeah, I--suppose you could call it that." Why should she be scared?
but she's afraid the other person might take it the wrong way."
"She could always ask for permission to speak freely," she said evenly.
B'Elanna simply shook her head.
Resigning herself, she simply nodded.
She had expected B'Elanna to take another deep breath, but she didn't.
Looking directly at her captain, she spoke quietly with surprising calm.
"Go for it. You'd be a fool not to, and you're no fool."
imagination. Give her that. Yet Janeway felt as though someone (Herself.
*I did this to myself*) had stripped her naked before her crew.
enough to think nobody knew _why_?
She had lost control, and she might never get it back.
line that no Starfleet captain could afford to cross.
who always knew all the answers to everything. Oh, no. Not to her.
together to keep from doing to him what she had done to B'Elanna.
Not to him. No matter what, not to him.
they were allowed off the bridge for as much as two hours at a time.
part of her life that she wanted to try to get in perspective.
the controls and turned her mind to the dilemma at hand.
Can't go forward, and can't go back.
she would not have chosen to do that even if it were possible.
an option--not for two Starfleet officers in their position.
"What I need right now," she muttered aloud, "is a ship's counselor."
their crew well. Someone who could be at once objective and empathetic.
"Captain, return to the ship." No _Chakotay to Janeway_? Tense.
she reflexively pushed the small craft toward full impulse.
around her and she was nowhere.
familiar ship much smaller than Voyager.
sleeveless wine-colored tunic that looked like it had seen better days.
been, but still long enough to spread across the shoulders of her tunic.
She did not own a headband.
Voyager, completely destroying the smaller ship.
Almost a year ago. Immolated. And yet there it was, whole and intact.
Where Voyager was the ship that had been destroyed?
She pressed her hands to her mouth, closing her eyes against the tears.
prayer, snapped her back to reality.
First step: find out for sure.
wondered, and then put her curiosity and her excitement firmly aside).
appeared to be a shuttle port at the aft end of the Maquis ship.
confidence if she were ever going to get home.
forty standard years old, and badly in need of a maintenance overhaul.
repressurized and lounging against the airlock.
this was a first contact situation.
who else would be apprised of your presence in lieu of your double.
knew, this might be the same one that her predecessors had visited.
all of them had ended up on his ship instead of hers.
before she could stop herself, she smiled.
"Yes," she said quietly. "Ch--"
they would not be interrupted?
that she had not waited to tell him who she was.
was not the man that her body and spirit ached for.
so hard that she winced in empathy.
and "Not now" was not an option.
"I'm Kathryn Janeway, captain of the Federation star ship Voyager.
counterpart in this universe must be...where I came from."
grabbed her by her upper arms as though she were his lifeline.
"TALK to me!" His eyes were black now, and his face devoid of color.
"Where is she? What's happening to her?"
For a moment he stood perfectly still, simply staring at her.
was no longer on the verge of hyperventilating.
appreciate that I'm concerned for the safety of my science officer."
minutes, there were certain things she had to know.
"Is she your first officer?"
last word was only a whisper.
"Can you tell me anything at all about what happened?" he was asking.
Voyager too. Did your ship's sensors picked up anything?"
"In engineering?" He explained that there was no "engineering" as such.
the moment. "Do you recommend that we tell her what's happened?"
"Recommend?" he asked softly, and their gaze held.
equivalent should be apprised of my presence here."
"I know the rules, Captain."
members of Voyager's crew are aboard this ship?"
"Just my science officer and my tactical officer."
"Yes. And, yes--I know what he was doing here."
he had reached out his right hand to her over the back of his chair.
"It wasn't your crew," he said gently. "It was hers."
it had nothing to do with how she would get back. "Okay. B'Elanna, then.
wanted to look away, but he did not.
"Yes. But she and I didn't have to. We wanted to."
After a moment, she asked, "For how long?"
would want to do that."
He nodded absently, not completely relieved. "Who is it? Tuvok?"
captain and first officer since...since the beginning."
machina. A full-dress copout. How convenient for him."
_...And dangerous lightning. Take cover...._ She ignored the memory.
all he said was, "Right."
conscious of the stress under which she is presently operating.
in the presence of Voyager's commanding officer.
without appearing insubordinate toward Commander Chakotay.
commanding officers on this ship.
I think this must be the longest day and a half that I've ever spent.
in here last night, and it serves her right.
thinking I give a damn.
weren't ready for it yet. But tomorrow, we will be.
believe that she doesn't mean as much to him as Kathryn does to me.
about him, but luckily we were interrupted before she could chew me out.
ought to be in any universe.
stuffy to her, the quarters she shared with Torres stiflingly tiny.
muttering. But the teeth-grinding was more than she could bear tonight.
fingers slipped and there was a soft plop as the boot hit the deck.
Instantly, Torres shot to a sitting position, glaring.
having poked a snake and had it wake up hissing.
nervousness, Janeway picked up each boot and slipped her foot into it.
"By tomorrow night you'll be rid of me and have Seska back in here."
rage: "Don't CALL me that! What the hell gives you the right--"
despised; she deserved minimal courtesy. "B'Elanna. Lieutenant.
Whatever's appropriate at the time."
except walk the halls and brood.
recognition as a familiar voice asked, "Need a white glove, Captain?"
to shake as reality set in. "Can we talk about that?"
either universe I can talk to about this."
"There's one other." Now the grin was completely gone.
"She isn't here, and she never will be while I am. I'm here. So are you.
Are you game or not?"
challenge she had given him.
don't know where you live, Commander. Lead the way."
"That was you." She spoke barely above a whisper.
could talk, she still in a whisper: "It was him."
his head--not in denial, she realized, but in an effort to stop her.
"I can't answer questions like that. You'll have to ask him."
he spoke, his voice was as loud and nearly as angry as hers.
thumb over his shoulder. "Your choice."
Without a word, she turned again and began to climb.
after he and.... Stop, she thought. Just stop. Right now.
again as wide as those in the double crew's quarters on the deck below.
had seen her change of expression for what it was.
breath. The light in the room was starlight.
questioning look: "That sounded a lot like, "'Report, mister."
over you--were you wearing something blue?"
"One cigarette and an ashtray." It was her turn to gaze back in silence.
off a chill that came from nowhere in this hot, stuffy room.
"What began?" But it was hard for her to meet his gaze now.
"Observable phenomena. Isn't that what this--conversation is about?"
of a copout, I believe?"
you wonder." He was silent for a while, no longer moving restlessly.
agreed to be your first officer."
could have destroyed _you_ any time during this past year?"
the room. "Yes, of course it's occurred to me. He's chosen to..." What?
"Me? Don't you mean Katydid?"
"No." He turned to face her. "That's where it started--_why_ it started.
has with you. Because I--can't have it with him."
After a moment, he said almost conversationally, "You mean won't."
sorry you don't see that_. "You could have it all for the taking."
"There _is_ no 'all' for me, Commander! Surely you can understand that.
officer once. I can't risk losing the respect of _my_ people by--by--."
"What people?" Now there was almost a sadness in his gaze. "Him?"
"No," she answered without hesitation, and saw his faint smile again.
"Score one for the good guys." Then, quickly: "You're right. It's not.
I'm sorry." Again there was a silence. "What people, then?"
tightly on the back of the chair, but now it came up with a snap.
"If you're right, what does he see that I don't see?"
"That everything's changed," he said quietly. "That everything's new.
"He wants to get home as much as I do. He's told me that."
that, make a decision about the way you want to live, and _act_ on it?"
"I made that decision when I joined Starfleet."
"We're not in Kansas any more, Captain."
short, painful sound more like a sob.
tears now. She was too tired to cry, almost too tired to talk.
unthinkable. Now it seemed like the most natural thing in the universe.
the ship's day cycle began.
Chakotay's just-vacated chair, she spoke quietly to him.
ago. That's quite a tribute."
Frowning slightly, Tuvok managed to raise one eyebrow at the same time.
is largely a function of the behavior of its command officers."
commanded by two individuals who were far more than partners-in-command.
Could he too be conflicted?
than she had intended, and his frown deepened.
fly. Then, in Vulcan. "Live long and prosper."
In the lift, Chakotay asked, "Are you all right?"
won't know if I'm dead or alive until somebody looks at me."
on both sides is an optimist."
Their gaze held, and no longer smiling, she said, "You love each other."
"Oh, yes." No fanfare. Just a simple, heartfelt affirmation.
"And that makes everything all right."
much as you dislike me?"
"Because she never tried to pull rank on this ship."
"No," B'Elanna agreed bitterly. "But you would have. Sooner or later."
"You're so sure of that."
one of _us_ from the beginning. You never could be."
ready, Captain?" Still matter-of fact.
"I want to thank you for all you've done, B'La--Lieutenant."
"No, you don't. You just think you ought to. And I am not a lieutenant."
Chakotay startled them both by bursting into delighted laughter.
other. It was Torres who looked away first, wiping the grin.
on the road before our window comes and goes."
he kissed her cheek. "Don't take seventy years to get home, Kathryn."
was his hand sketching the shadow of a salute.
ship, in uniform, gazing down on Voyager, silver in starlight.
She had expected to weep when she saw it again, but she did not.
Strangely, she felt more calm than she ever had in her life.
utterly beautiful those uniforms were.
by the deliberate shifting of her gaze toward the ceiling.
"You didn't get pulled into the rift. That means they didn't either."
we didn't warn you in time. It all happened so--"
to Janeway's. "'Everything' was out o' line."
"Yes, it was." Janeway's hand tightened. "But thank you anyway."
something I should know about?" he asked as the lift doors opened.
lives for some time to come: I'm not sure. Let me think about it.
smallest of smiles, she found his waiting.
tenderness here, though. Only quiet joy. "What about him?"
true, yet there was no time now to explain why.
"Teasing?" But he was enjoying himself thoroughly.
the spoken. "Did she tell you they're lovers?"
"No. But--" He hesitated--amused, a little embarrassed.
"There were...observable phenomena? When she talked about him?"
"Something like that." Now definitely amused.
now. "Soon," she finished, barely above a whisper.
still clasped behind their backs.
"Where're you going to be?"
"You got any bread crumbs?" he asked.
shrugging, and then turning back to his work.