Three times in fifteen months.
It surprises me that I don't dream of you more often.
My dreams and subconscious take a different form.
I have started to write them down, my dreams, googling what they might mean.
The second part was filled with people and moments I can't quite begin to know why they were there, I'm not sure how everything relates.
After your dad died, if you dreamt of him, I would tell you that he was visiting, trying to tell you something.
I'm not sure if this is true, and I know not many people will follow a similar train of thought, what I do know is each time I've dreamt of you has come at a time where I have needed you the most.
So maybe there is something in it.
You were you again, pre cancer you, pre leg, pre chemo, pre steroids, pre nightmare.
Just that you were, that was that.
Talking to me as if this was the most reasonable thing in the world.
That I would have to live without you.
Mad that you kept grinning at me in such a stupid way!
Enough with the stupid grin!
The setting was strange, in separate cars in the car park of a place we know.
Other people were there, with other symbols and things happening that probably all mean something.
My dad trying to be peace keeper in the calm manner he has in reality.
Trying to reason with me as you passed me something, keys maybe, through the open car door.
Still with a stupid grin on your face.
Because you had been there.
I have you, our memories, our love, locked in my heart.
Trying to piece each thing together.
I am angry with you.
I don't blame you, not even for a second, you didn't ask for any of this.
I am angry at this situation.
Or how hard this is.
I am angry this had to happen to you.
I am angry at time for always being against us, for moving me away from you.
I am angry at death, for coming too soon.
I am angry at grief.
For all the things it has stolen and how it makes me feel.
For the times I knew you would love.
I am angry for the kids.
For how hard they find it without you.
That is not the life for us you would have wanted.
Because why else would you keep doing that stupid grin.