I am sitting on a multi coloured almost psychedelic couch in a room filled with giant aloe vera plants, alters, dim lights and hundreds of books on Light and Spiritual growth, I am with my 83 year old friend Ananda. I have arrived at her place after nearly one month on the road traveling, meeting family I have never met, searching for warm water and reconnecting. This quest for a space where I can simply Be is endless as it always leads back to me.
I have lived in extremes, especially the last 3 years, and yet I yearn for balance. I have followed my karma through the trials it has brought forth and yet I always come out the other side of it stronger. I realized that I did not share a lot of my journey of being in The Pas and that this stems from simply not wanting to and also not needing to. I came to The Pas for Rebirth and that process is extremely personal and does not have words. This leg of the journey it felt inappropriate and incredibly challenging, maybe the hardest part of my journey so far. I came out the other side with more clarity and confidence as well as what feels like a vast sense of self. I feel ready for a rest and simultaneously ready to begin a completely new phase of life. In order for something new to emerge something old must die. The way I have been living life has been unsustainable and so I must examine how I care for myself and let the old ideals go.
I found new roots of love and old roots of anger. I lost parts of myself and found beauty in others. I revealed things I'd rather not see and things I'd never seen before. I created enemies and wonderful new friends. I relived old patterns and watched as my new patterns emerged from within without effort. I did it all with an open heart and as little judgement as I could muster, knowing that I was here to learn from it, all of it. The whole while gaining awareness of where I came from, how I got there, where I could go and where I want to go.
I find beauty and inspiration in struggle, mine and others. I am drawn to fierceness and softness equally. My time with the Native people of the area was profound. I am thankful for my Nursing education for facilitating such a unique cultural and healing experience. I will never forget this transformative time.
I experienced the raw beauty of the wild once again which my heart longs for and needs. I sang with Eagles and danced with Bears. I picked flowers and learned about medicines. I entered the womb of the mother where I was given my spirit name and supported in my healing journey by the most gentle and kind men I have ever met. I learned a new language one with words and one without. I found out what it means to honour spirit and listen to the water.
To the elders who shared with me the teachings I say "Ekose", I will carry this knowledge within me with great pride. To the elders I had the honour of caring for in their homes I am humbled to have been of service to you, forever a piece of my heart belongs with you. I am changed at my core by the stories I witnessed and the beauty of the culture in which I was immersed. This was a gift, you were all a gift to me.
Time came to bring balance back into my own life so I needed to leave. I am on the road once again and all I can hear in my heart is the word HOME. I want to go Home. I miss my calm, beautiful apartment, my friends upstairs and just down the road. I miss my foster dog Flynn Flynn, so much that my heart squeezes at the thought of him, and I miss walking down the street and talking with strangers who quickly became friends. I even miss those who are glad to see me go. I have many places which I have called home and I am in one of those right now but there is always a grieving period, a necessary phase where light comes pouring forth from all the small cracks in my story. I feel blessed to know that I can create such deep connections wherever I go and it is in the leaving when I realize just how deep they are. The removal of self from any situation will reveal strengths and weaknesses and my heart continues to guide me home, for this is really where I live.
I am grateful for community, roots and connection. I am grateful for being pushed and for pushing back until I finally let go and simply allow. My Ego took a bruising and knocked me off my pedestal making room for pain which is the greatest teacher I know. As I make plans and let them go again and again, I watch the layers unfold, the ones that hold me back from allowing life to happen, and I learn to trust in the process.
Here I am……right where I need to Be.